#my mom was 32
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See how easily they bleed
#I’m on an evil mom Gil kick sorry for this#I don’t know if I’d call this generational trauma#it probably is but I’m calling it generational bloodlust#hws prussia#hws germany#hetalia fanart#hetalia#I like how I looked up a historical reference for Gil’s uniform but then did fuck all for lud#put him in some rich boy frilly thing#wooow look at me posting at a time that is not precisely 11:32 on the spot#digital art#my art#experimenting with more messy sketch pieces as warmups#I’m trying to do warmups but then I draw them and my brain is like welp that’s our daily quota done!#he probably wouldn’t have coddled young Ludwig like this at this time period#but I’m channeling mother gothel for him rn
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sometimes I wonder why I ended up loving comedy so much but I did have a phase (into 18!) where I wanted to join a circus so bad I taught myself to do a split. I was and emailing nearby youth circuses to see if they were accepting applications for training and trying to convince my parent to let me go to a circus+clown magnet school 6 hours away. this has never stuck out as a particularly odd phase to me but in hindsight what the fuck
#I don't think i ever stopped yearning for clownhood#also by nearby i should add i mean the furthest was still several hours away#some were boarding (????? but not like full on schools you lived at the circus but had to do online school??) and some were not#i was willing to do whatever and live wherever it took.#unfortunately my mom took one look at me (32 credit hours of pre-engineering coursework starting from 9th grade) and.went. no.#and frankly. though i still yarn for the circus and she is wrong about many things. i think she was probably right about that#still going to use half my vacation next year to go to clown camp for adults...
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I think I have arthritis or something. For a long time now, I've kept feeling the need to crack my two middle fingers in particular--like, it felt like there were air bubbles there constantly and there still does--but whenever I do so now, there's instant pain when I do it, which shouldn't happen. But if I don't crack my knuckles, there's this annoying feeling of the air bubbles being there. (But I've decided to just ignore that now and try not to crack them.)
And when I did crack said knuckles, sometimes my hands started to kind of fall asleep or go numb? It's hard to explain. So much so, that sometimes lately when I'd try to type sometime afterwards, it was near impossible to.
This past week, my hands have been in searing pain, like every day. I do think my hands are partly dry and that could be part of the issue, but surely not all of it. I put lotion on them last night and am still having this problem.
And it's so bad, that I'm even having trouble picking stuff to eat and am kind of giving up and not eating as much as I really need to.
I've been thinking I should probably go to the doctor about it this week, but been putting it off. But I think I'm going to bite the bullet tomorrow and finally make an appointment.
#if i DO end up having arthritis in my hands that means that i have arthritis in my hands and neck at the young age of 32. yay#and that tests i've had before that could have picked up that i had arthritis in my hands (that were testing for all kinds of things)#somehow didn't#but i really don't know what else it could be? unless it's carpal tunnel? i think i was tested for that too?#i also had my mom look at my hands today. and she's not an expert or anything. but she thinks from just looking at them that my knuckles#look pretty swollen and that i should go to the doctor
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happy birthday !!!
thank you anonymous friend!!! i hope your my-birthday is really great too.
#i still have a couple hours of being 32 in my time zone#gotta call my dad for the annual remembering of my birth from his point of view#(my mom went into labor while he was watching dr zhivago and it was already overdue at the video rental place so he ALLEGEDLY#never got to finish it#i say hogwash i distinctly remember watching it with him when i was 9)
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I hate having my whole family following me on Instagram cus now I can't post vents or they're going to worry about everything I draw and pretend to care for me GRRRRRRRRR
#ohhh but this doesn't mean they actually wprry about me tho#they just want to “look nice”#and then use the shit I post to say shit about my mom mistreating me or smth#(which isn't true#they're the pnes who do it)#but then my mom is gonna tell me to not post that stuff cus they say that shit to her#and she's paraboid that child protection services are gonna come#blocking them isn't an option tho#it will look suspicious even if my grandparents don't get how Instagram works#also add that they don't understand english and they use google translator for everything so IMAGINE WHAT IT TRANSLATES.......#I'm not even being paranoid#my grandparents texyed me the other day for random shit vents I posted on my stories#oh just if they knew they're one of the reasons I've been feeling like shit for years#please normalize that not all grandparents are meant to be good just because they're old#some (most actually) are old geezers that don't even want to make an effort in understanding “modern stuff” just for their own comfort#sorry if this sounds shity but the only good thing I get from them is 32€ per month >_<#not art#not scp#vent
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I’m grateful literally every single day I wake up child free lmao
#motherhood is a horror story actually#I’ll be 32 in a little over a month (lmao lol even) and that’s how old my mom was when I was born#and I cannot fathom how different my life would have to be to accommodate a child#ew#husband is gonna get a vasectomy this year and I am so excited to never deal with BC again
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anyway my vague 'plan' is like. an ideal split between part time normie work and art markets/illustration/maybe a patreon postcard club type thing. i need to use my degree for my mental wellbeing. also live in ottawa w my dog. i need to learn how to drive and u know what after literal years of saying i should do so i actually ordered the manual lmao. like in my mind palace i drive back here once a month to see my friends and my parents, also toronto once a month to see my niece/nephew/brother, i have fulfilling employment, i have minimum one cute ass dog, im not completely insane or physically ill. idk i dont think its too unreasonable but the housing situation across canada rn is fuckin diabolical
#i dont think i could work a normie job fulltime without wanting to kms for real alkdhjsa Serious Mental Illness <33#but i could do part time plus illustration stuff i think.... or temp work and illustration??? im 32 i live w my mom idk anything#future is scary however i must plan for it regardless i guess! progress.
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We didn’t have any birthday candles in the house
#there’s three bc my nephew turned three on the eighth#I turned 32 on the 10th but that’s a little too many candles lol#my dad made the angel food cake and it’s usually my mom who bakes#he didn’t beat the egg whites enough so the cake kinda deflated but it tasted fine#my dad kept calling it a fallen angel food cake tho
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Im starting to prefer the idea of Kana being 2 years older than Noriel instead of 1 because it just makes sense for their dynamic and I am This Close to aging her up like fr fr
but the only thing kinda holding me back is that my god Im going to feel so bad for her mom but I think I will do it anyway
#fyi Kanas mom right now is 32 years old and Kana would be 14 if I age her up#you do the math#not that when Kana was 13 it was any better tbh and that is by design I wrote it like that on purpose#but still adding yet another year onto that just makes the pit in my stomach bigger#canischat#thinking about Kanas mom for more than 2 seconds makes me viscerally upset
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Finally dragged my 32 year old bureau out of my bedroom and out onto the street for the trash. My dad was fucking livid because “it’s still in great shape” and refused to even acknowledge me with a response when I said about ten different times that the wood is rotting inside and it gives all my clothes an awful awful smell
Anyway it’s a good day, I have more room now and I’m getting a new vertical bureau instead that has more drawers and only takes up half the floor space 🙂
#my mom was the one who picked it out before I was born and yet she was fully in support of me finally getting rid of it#it served its purpose! I had 32 years with it! it was way too small to hold all my clothes nowadays anyway!#anyway now I’ll have a nice new one that isn’t shedding rotten wood shavings and stank onto my clothes ☺️
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just thought about something cool that could happen ten years from now without any caveat about an apocalypse or dying before then and i am not sure that's ever happened before, neat
#i deconverted 13 years ago now and this is the first time i can recall this happening#ALSO i think im doing pretty well considering yesterday was my 31st and mom got diagnosed and started to die at 32#i'm generally doing a lot better than i thought i would be at this age tbh
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I have a hole next to the back pocket of my jeans and I keep telling myself “okay this is the LAST TIME I wear these jeans before fixing the hole” and of course every time I wear them the hole only gets bigger and it’s been like a month now since the problem started and I’m still wearing the pants so consistently …
#MY FAV JEANS#MY PERFECT JEANS#MY MENS 32 Y2K seven jeans my mom found for me#I’m probably their third owner#so you can imagine how worn these things are#sisterhood of the traveling pants
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"Biz, what would you like for your birthday this year?"
"For nobody to misgender me for a day."
Turned out too much to ask (:
#tw: transphobia#tw: misgendering#literally every person i had to talk to today misgendered me#my mom kept misgendering me over and over again even in trying to correct people#“HER pronouns are they/them” i'm going to eat the fucking sun and shit#every doctor and nurse i spoke to kept calling me she/her#“IT'S FUCKING THEY/THEM I AM NOT A GIRL"#everyone reacts like i'm some special snowflake bedwetter that can't take misgendering#when the reality is that i have never gone a single day in my LIFE where i haven't been misgendered#oh and my doctor's office was too narrow for my wheelchair which was humiliating#and i had to spend 3 hours trying to explain to mom in a way that actually made a difference WHY it matters to not misgender me#and finally it clicked at hour 3 with “YOU'RE DESCRIBING TO STRANGERS WHAT MY FUCKING GENITALS LOOK LIKE AND IT FREAKS ME OUT”#“i hadn't thought about it that way”#oh and my doctor rolled her eyes at seeing a 32 year old in a wheelchair like i was malingering in a $5k chair#and demanded to know why i use it when it wasn't relevant to my visit AT ALL#my younger and older siblings BOTH treated me like shit for my gender identity so i wound up agender#because jesus fucking christ how insecure are you fucking cunts that you can't stand NOT being the only son/daughter to our mom#so i chose to be nothing!!! and they STILL won't fucking just live and let live#everybody's gotta hate biz for fucking something and that includes gender#*biz unsubscribes from gender* “hey >:(”#i hate my life#this was literally the worst birthday in my fucking life#had to starve myself of sleep to get up at 6am to drive 4 hours to a 20 minute appointment#misgendered 100% of the time while i couldn't get my wheelchair into any exam room because the doors were too narrow#questioned for needing a wheelchair. looked at like a child for being trans. clueless mom that wouldn't back me up.#and siblings that hate me because my mom genuinely likes my company more and it's because the two of them are so selfish#they won't bother to treat our mom with basic respect or interest in her as a human being outside of a mother when i do#but THEY can't be the problem. it has to be something MY fault
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(Pls read my dni before interacting)
One year with my Fellow ✨
#also one year since my mom found me having a meltdown in my room#over all the footage of him and how phenomenal 32 was#and impulsively said ‘go talk to Evie we’re going’#that feels like a lifetime ago#♍️#self ship#self shipping#self ship community#self shipping community#self ship art
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fellas after so long of being unable to play spore i have discovered a route. this may also mean i can play rainworld but ill investigate later. for now gaze upon my unicorn centaur
#labyposting#the horn was supposed to be temporary (couldnt afford the other ones after getting a new head) but i kinda fw it#i used to play spore religiously on my moms little old macbook air. that poor thing was huffing and puffing like crazy every time i openedi#i managed this through a thing that like takes 32 bit games and repackages them or something. actually i have no idea it just lets me open#windows version steam instead of my normal smelly mac one#and then i can play steam games#i feel like rain world should be included but i didn't check in my haste to play spore
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