#my mom so desperately needs therapy it’s not even funny

[stunkbug]

probably one of the more depressing memories i have is of my mom sending us to bed early after screaming at us and having the very distinct feeling that it was unfair and uncalled for. and then she took a shower, apparently achieved enlightenment, got us out of our bed to lay down in hers with very little explanation, took ANOTHER shower, and then had us watch the pilot episode of sam and cat. we were too old to watch sam and cat. did not actually apologize once but seemed to feel immensely guilty. i don’t remember anything else about that day so i have to assume it was my dads fault

[aesterblaster]

Bad Dogs Can Learn New Tricks

Which Blue Lock Characters Have Gone To Therapy, In My Humble Opinion. (+ Who Desperately Needs To But Hasn't + Who Might In The Future)

Warnings: Some spoilers for way past the U-20 Arc, also not an extensive list of characters, honestly kind of funny. I wasn't trying to be TOO serious

Songs: Falling Behind / Laufey , The Main Character / Will Wood , Nothing's New / Rio Romeo

Has Gone To Therapy And Loves Their Therapist Gang

-Anri, There is no way she is able to have that much patience and take that much shit from corporate without having a therapist. I think she uses like 1/5th of her paycheck on books about improving your life and stuff like that LMAO. Her therapist is also a woman so it helps her to have someone who understands her frustrations with not really getting credit despite being one of the founders of Blue Lock. Also sometimes she gets worried she's unethical towards the boys so that weighs on her.

-Kenyu, Look it's still in progress ok? He was just starting before he came to Blue Lock. Once he realized he was going to lose his vision he started working with a professional and found it really helpful. In fact they were the one who encouraged him to go after Blue Lock in the first place. One of the reasons he was so quick to say sorry to Isagi is because he has those #coping skills.

-Gagumaru, After having a run in with a bear in the woods he kept having nightmares and his parents made him go to therapy. Well it was kindddd of therapy..it was a hippie who's a family friend. That doesn't mean he doesn't know grounding techniques. He even taught Naruhaya how to calm down from a panic attack once. But yeah, he doesn't really tell people that he went to therapy

-Snuffy, After his best friend's death he went to therapy ASAP. The type to only call his therapist once every 5 months and still have a rock solid relationship with them. His therapist helped him break his womanizing habit and realize that he's enough all on his own. 100% did some soul searching and stepped away from the scene. He also combined the therapist with a personal trainer to really max out his healing process. 100/10 dude for it.

"I Have Gone To Therapy And It Didn't Work" Crew

-Chigiri, Similar to Kenyu, his parents thought he might need some mental health help after the trauma of thinking he'd never be an athlete again. But he was one of those cold shoulder my mom is forcing me to do this cases. He never actually worked through what he might do if this whole thing falls through. Also snarkiness 100, his therapist almost quit because he was so insulting to them. Chigiri just felt ashamed that his parents even thought he should go in the first place and convinced his sister to also beg them to stop taking him lmao.

-Isagi, Okay at some point his parents realize he takes faliure wayyy too hard and tried to get him in therapy. When he talked to the therapist though the dude was like "Yeah, he's just competitive. Nothing wrong here." Alas, he's been masking for so long that he's incapable of revealing his issues to anyone who hasn't known him for 3 years or plays sports with him. Also, he convinced himself he doesn't need it and then idly imagines just going apeshit and killing his enemies to cope with stress...like bro...

-Noa, Why do you think he gets along with Isagi? All jokes aside, his PR people probably asked him to do it and he went and then secretly never went back. It honestly didn't work because he wasn't willing to give it a chance. And still isn't!!!! Would rather backflip off of a yacht than tell someone in a lounge chair about how growing up in intense poverty still haunts him sometimes, makes him question his worth and avoid conflict in day to day life. Sometimes he wonders if one day he'll wake up and find out it was all a dream....But nah he doesn't need therapy!

-Oliver, He was soooo close to actually getting his mental health in check but then his therapist retired. After that he got another really seasoned one and saw the amount of case files in his desk and just felt like a straight up burden. One of those "other people have it worse" and "it is what it is" guys. He's very open about his emotions and feelings so he just talks to his friends when he's really struggling. (Even though Sendou never says the right things-) Like yeah it's their job but why bug these nice people when sex?? Why talk about issues in sessions when he can get drunk or go train for 4 hours??? Riddle him that?

The "I Need Therapy And I Know It" Team

-Ness, He has so many fucking issues. Honestly, despite his devout worship of Kaiser he does realize that his behavior isn't quite healthy or normal. Dude tries to show you a funny video on his phone and all of his ads are for Betterhelp. Genuinely trying to figure out a diagnosis. Yes he has looked up all sorts of personality disorders and no he doesn't think he has any of them (He has at least two). But again, Ness is self aware enough to know that some help or someone to talk to who sees him as an actual human being would be nice.

-Niko, He cannonicaly describes himself as very very introverted and nerdy, also he hides his face. Tell me you were bullied in school or at least had an extremely traumatizing incident without telling me. Kind of never had anyone, just people who hung around because of his soccer skill or avoided him like the plague. He is that guy who will rant about "society" online for hours and fantasize about moving to a different country thinking he'd get better treatment there. Cripplingly lonely and self conscious at the end of the day, in all honesty. Also he genuinely wants a therapist but just can't afford one.

-Hiori, Obviously his parents are the ones who stop him. He tries to go and his mom realizes where he's making her drive him and swerves off. Even when he gets his license, you just know they're tracking everywhere he goes. He doesn't have enough privacy to really get better like that, Hiori has to wait until he moves out. Still genuinely fucked up by the fact that Gagumaru has gotten therapy and he hasn't. Just listens to emo music and plays video games and pretends that that fixes everything. He's totally releasing a top-selling book about his horrible childhood after Blue Lock.

-Bachira, Is he outgoing and silly? Yes. Does he need better coping skills? Also yes. Men will tell you the most horrible and traumatizing childhood memories about getting jumped and then laugh it off, and it's him, Bachira is men. He ties to brush off his trauma with humor but it never really works. He knows that he genuinely needs to talk to someone other than Isagi or his mom about the Monster and how it was by his side for so long. But also never goes through with getting professional help, just thinks about it sometimes.

The "What's Therapy? Fuck You!" Group

-Kaiser, Oh god, don't even suggest it to him. I headcannon that mental illness kind of runs in his family. He's watched family members be taken away for being too out there and openly mentally ill so he has a reason to not trust doctors. Just associates therapy and things like it with abusive institutions. If he told a therapist all of his issues, he'd probably be sent to a psyche ward. Just the threat of being sent there single handedly kept him from killing himself or talking about his feelings when he was younger. He will continue to just be slightly abusive to the people around him thank you very much.

-Ego, Bro's got the government banning him from soccer and you think he's thinking of therapy? When Anri tells him he needs it offhand, he's like, revenge is my therapy. Insane as fuck but thinks that it's a good thing. He is not willing to talk about his issues to anyone, but especially not someone who will write it all down. Genuinely ruined a few relationships in his past because the main people he attracts are the "I Can Fix Him" people and it just never works. Suprisingly unself aware for how much he analyzes others.

-Barou, His main issue is just shame and failed gifted kid syndrome. But as soon as he's back up he's convinced he doesn't need help. Barou suffers from really high highs and really low lows but he also has the mental fortitude to handle it. He is a well adjusted and kind enough person outside of the soccer field so he never considers that he needs therapy. When he feels bad about himself he hits the gym but he's never really opened up to anyone and he sure isn't going to start once he gets more famous. Especially when he's seen as one of the best right now, can't risk his reputation.

-Rin, He's would rather gut himself with a sword than admit that his mental illness doesn't make him a cool loner wolf and just a lonely person who hasn't healed his inner child. Kind of just wants someone to baby him and tell him everything's going to be alright but in the mean time his barriers are up 24/7. He disdains therapy, thinks that he'd just be seen as a pay check and he kind of isn't wrong. Rin would rather pay money for expensive cleats than spend it for someone to suggest him breathing exercises. He also had a traumacore phase, but he'd rather not talk about it.

[cruelestpigeon]

THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES IMPRESSIONS: EP 115 - 120

EP 115: Taking Stock

SALESA?? Omg Salesa backstory? I feel like I've heard about the meat grinder in a previous story, no? Noooo Helen. Like I get why Jon was a jerk but like idk me personally I'd listen. It's better to have a weird ally than a weird enemy.

EP 116: The Show Must Go On

This episode was sooooo well written. HELP JON IMMEDIATELY SAYING MARTIN CAN'T GO??? Omg the gang is back together and scheming I'm so happy. "If you die I'm afraid you won't be able to claim your expenses." Tim is in desperate need of therapy it's not even funny, like someone has got to book him an appointment.

EP 117: Testament

I love these little bits where we get to see the characters thought process. JON BRINGING UP THE OFFICE GOSSIP IS CRAZY???? HES STUTTERING??? BRO YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE YOU CANNOT BE STUTTERING OVER THIS LMAOOO. Awww Basira and Daisy are actually so cute, I love their friendship so much omg. Melanie's voice actor is so talented omg this is so well acted. I feel so bad for Melanie :( MELANIE'S TRIP???? :( Man I love Melanie. "I need him to be okay. sorry." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN MARTIN??? DID HE JUST TELL JON TO CHILL OUT LMAO? Oh my god Martin has a legitimate crush stop I love him. World could possibly end and he's here yapping about his crush. Daisy is so real for just turning on the recorder and only breathing and saying okay. Noooooo Tim :(

Current predictions: Tim dies, Someone is irreversibly injured, Basira dies? They succeed but not properly so there's extreme damages to our world and reality

EP 118: The Masquerade

Jon was really okay with Martin burning cases?? Losing that knowledge??? Tim I love you for making bad jokes. Oh?? Weird Tape appearing out of nowhere?? ELIAS CLOCKED MARTIN'S FEELINGS SO FAST LMAOOO This is horrifying then. HE ADMITTED THE FEELINGS???????? YALLLLLL. Elias really said "your mom" and then went on to attack Martin's mommy issues. GUYS IM ACTUALLY THE NUMBER ONE ELIAS HATER. THEY BETTER SUCCEED AND KILL HIM I NEED HIM GONE AFTER WHAT HE DID TO MELANIE AND MARTIN. DID DAISY JUST SHOOT JON???????

EP 119: Stranger And Stranger

The music goes so hard for this intro omg. THIS EPISODE IS SO COOL??? Tim saw Jon and then went to kill him, didn't even need an illusion goddamn. The Watcher??? Rip to Tim since he's pressing the detonator. After reading the description I missed Daisy dying and Basira leaving because I got confused :')

EP 120: Eye Contact

Elias you cannot be making a statement about a guys dreams that's just not right. So Jon is in the hospital?? Y'all this was a very cool statement but confused me so bad. WAIT SO DAISY DIED??? Elias is under arrest?? So there is that weird Lukas guy. OH new guy in charge then.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

This finale was so weird on so many levels. So much not processed??? Like we haven't see the aftermath of it all which is a bit weird. Man I wish I was apart of the fandom at the time so I could see people dissect this and explain bits I missed and make silly theories.

[diazpatcher]

7x09 my thoughts

"my resignation" WHAT BOBBY WHAT. this man needs extensive therapy bc why does he think he doesn't deserve good things.😭

Athena being the supportive wife she is. "Walking away from the 118" THOSE ARE YOUR KIDS

Edmundo noches is at it, with his ex dead wife's doppelganger 💀 the date is waaaaaaaaaaay to romantic for 2 people who aren't an official item.

Eddie baby no, you're not only emotionally cheating you are full on cheating bro 😭💀 pls let her be part of his mental breakdown.

Athena fighting for bobby even when bobby doesn't want to anymore:( Athena is such a great wife I can't fucking handle it.

Finally they talk about Bobby's struggles, of balancing his past and his present and the guilt he has😭 as much as I want retirement for the Grant-Nashes I don't want Bobby to leave 😭

Bobby is straight up evil, he wants to retire and before he does so, he takes care of every single person in his team "they're not the only kids you're raising Mother Hen"😭

BUCK is the Chef😭 BRO THE WAY HES ACTING MAKES ME THINK HES GONNA DIE😭

Buck and Eddie cooking together😭

Buck looking at Bobby the way a kid looks at their dad waiting for praise 😭 im not okay bro that whole sequence fucked me over. BOBBY😭 7 years😭 "here's to seven more" 😭 Their father son relationship makes me want to chew on glass 😭😭😭 "it's been my pleasure kid"

BUCK MEETS THE DOUBLE, OMG. THE WAY HIS FACE FELL😭 He is so fucking funny I can't 😭OH OH BUCK IS MAD. He used the Back door💀😭 The way he's trying to figure out if Marisol is still around lmao😭 "Eddie who's kim" HILARIOUS ACTUALLY. "Marisols my girlfriend, she just a friend" "a friend who's a dead wringer for your dead wife' OKAY BUCK😭 Buck has healed he is ready to confront and pull Eddie out of his ass. The way Eddie is trying to justify his actions, "does this poor woman know thay she is a carbon copy of your dead wife"

"Im worried about you" HUSBAND BEHAVIOUR 😭😭😭

The kids🥺🥺😭 Wilson-Han family is so special to me❤️ Chim knowing something is wrong with Bobby!!!

I knew that the Council woman was gonna be a bitch. I knew it.

I feel so bad for Kim. She got pulled into this mess it's insane. "But I'm not her" THIS POOR WOMAN. she knows Eddie just wants to replace Shannon with her 😭😭 heartbreaking. "which was not fair to you"

Hey anyways Eddie did that after buck talked to him even his break up with his ex wife's doppelganger is colored by the interactions with buck.

"I never meant to lead you on"

"but you did" 😭 "I guess she was the love of your life" STOPOP😭😭😭

Eddie should be talking about this with Frank 💀

"living happily in Florida with his husband" lmao💀 Okay either Amir is gonna help Bobby or he's gonna torch the place. oh he's gonna torch the place. right.

Mom and Dad are fighting 😭 oh god Athena is so desperate. She's trying so hard. "You're making your round to say goodbye" 😭 Athena still worrying about Bobby being suicidal. "And you're standing on the ledge of a building again, Bobby." 😭 I'm in shambles. somebody glue me back together.

Athena doesn't know about the Book...

"I threw it in the trash on the night of our first date." She gave him hope that he was worth something 😭.

Garica is a BITCH. idc what happened to her she's a bitch. Who is she to refuse Mara a home😭 just bc her idiot son refused treatment. They're ripping apart a family they don't give a shit. Fuck CPS. fuck those 2 especially. ripping Mara out of Karen's grasp what the fuck. Fuck this what the fuck.

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS KIM DOING. SHE GOT A HAIRCUT AND IS.WEARINF SHANNONS DR3SS???????? Eddie looks as horrified as I do. She's pretending to be Shannon IM GOING INSANE. Kim is so smart istg. "You have to let me go" 😭 She is doing the right thing but my god this is psychotic to watch 😭

Eddie finally FINALLy letting go of Shannon is so 😭 he deserves peace. Eddie breakdown era 2.0 let's go. he sounds like a little boy so scared and angry and hurt. CHRIS WALKING IN WITH MARISOL !!!

Bobby, Bobby??? bobby... oh. oh no. He is, he's drinking. Oh my god. he dreamed of his dad while HIS HOUSE IS ON FIRE. ATHENA!! he gets to save his family this time. BOBBY???? HE HAD A HEARTATTACK WHAT.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Sick people are still sick, even if it's addiction or mental illness. We know that but we still don't think and act that way.

I've been wanting to post this for awhile but held back because it's a difficult topic but today I discovered some saddening news that made me feel it was time to talk about it. I'm not going to speak directly to that news or to any of the other situations I'm referencing. You can figure it out if you want but really it doesn't matter who the people are because the people can be anybody.

I'll start by saying I'm the child of a drug addict, my ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic, I've had many friends who have battled addiction and mental health issues. I was deeply hurt by growing up with an addict mother. It is the single most defining thing about me next to being a black woman. I am in my 40's and still grappling with the effects of growing up with her beside me and growing up with her absent from me. The abandonment, isolation, shame, uncertainty, fear, feelings of being cursed, never having normality, all of that will never leave me. All I can do is cope. And I experienced it all over again within a long term relationship in adulthood.

It's probably best that I was estranged from my mother. I know it's best that I left my ex for the last time. I didn't want those people in my live as they were and there was never any way to know if they would ever get better. My mother died. Not a drug related death, ironically she was killed by a drunk driver. Someone else's addiction took her. My ex is still living and the last I knew he was still drinking. A miracle could happen or he could drink the rest of his life.

But what I want to talk about is how we view these ill people. I hated my mother and my ex for a long, long time... until I didn't. That doesn't mean I'm not still angry or no longer hold them accountable. It just means I don't view them simply as my abusers and myself as their victim. It just means I had a shift, not only in how I see them but how I view all people. I had a religious/spiritual conversion at one of the darkest times of my life. Looking back I see that it happened shortly after I left my ex the last time and I was at a sort of rock bottom on every level. I won't go into the long story but will say I came out of the other side loving people. Not in a toxic positivity way, in a genuinely I value people and humanity was put here out of love, made with love, and we all deserve dignity and forgiveness, and can be redeemed no matter what. My whole worldview was rocked. It's a truly radical belief of my faith. Not the supernatural things. I think this because what the average person struggles with the most is just pure love for other people and love for themselves.

And when you view people with love, value life itself, all life, that you can look at a person who doesn't value their own well being and puts the well being of others, even those closest to them, in danger, and still say that person is a child of God who can be redeemed, who is not trash, who is not a loser.

And the funny thing is supposedly we are in a mental health awakening and supposedly see addiction and mental health ailments as sickness. But we still have a hard time accepting that when people are in the worst of their illness that they are indeed sick people. So we label, dismiss, and ridicule them. And if they are a celebrity, forget about it. We want to champion wellness, self care, and therapy but when someone actually desperately needs it and is struggling we shit on them.

I'm in no way saying all behavior is forgiven and there shouldn't be accountability. But after seeing some of what I've seen said recently and especially today it seems like people are just ready to tear someone's complete being down, not just condemn the behavior. I don't think my mom nor my ex were trash. They were deeply broken as we all are, in ways different from myself, or perhaps not and it just manifests in ways different than myself. It still hurts, it always hurts, but they were always hurting, too. It doesn't mean I needed to stay in a place they could hurt me but I didn't degrade their being in thought, speech, or action.

So these people don't deserve to have victims but they also don't deserve to be dehumanized.

We are all worthy of grace. So I'm going to continue to pray for healing of myself and those I know who are struggling.

[skayafair]

Petulant Children

Apparently I have an especially soft spot for insufferable kids characters who are in fact just... lost, aren't treated properly by their parents or sort of remotely parental figures and go completely south as a result?

Like Yellow from Malevolent or Jamie from Give Me Away.

Because they behave like they are terrible (and that's the opinion of other characters, too) but in fact they aren't bad at all?

(Funny thing is that they both are from podcasts about headmates of sorts.)

I don't think I need to say anything about Yellow (but of course I'm still going to). It's not exactly a "parent-child" situation and I actually hate the implication that Arthur shaped him completely (and Larson just continued to hone the traits he needed). Like hello, even with amnesia there was some personality in there, Yellow just didn't have enough time to sit and take everything in, gain various experiences to make more informed judgement. John did have this time while Arthur was in a coma. He had time ON HIS OWN to remember and process himself (not as in remember his past - just... himself, what kind of a person he feels he is and what he wants). Yes the result changed him into something completely new but some core things like curiousity stayed intact. He can still be violent, he's still very much murder happy if it means survival, he snaps easily, and he hates lying. Everything that made the King - the King, a dangerous and at times vicious god, is still there. He only changed the point of view, and the rest followed.

Yellow didn't have this opportunity. Arthur was snapping at him and telling him what he was supposed to be (and failed time and again) all the time, cutting many curious questions short (Arthur really is father of the year huh), so any positive traits - positive, joyful for Yellow himself - didn't have much room to grow. Hatred, though... and then there was Larson who didn't even have to make much effort manipulating his rage and hurt to get what he wanted. It's not every day you get to use an eldritch god, amirite? Gods I hate Larson so much

So what do you get when one doesn't remember his past, only some very, very terrible and frightening things he managed to escape, then he's constantly berated, and when he rightfully feels fury, it's being fueled more and more, - AND not a moment to himself, on his own? Exactly. Yellow does say and do terrible things, but... it's not because he's evil or vicious. He's conditioned to behave this way.

Now, to Give Me Away.

Jamie in ep 9 (I'm in the middle of it but needed to dump my thoughts and emotions somewhere first because there were too many) acted completely on impulse, I get it, and it's more because she wants to be a hero and by that to prove to her mom and sibling and to everyone else she is as good as Thalia or even BETTER. I know. It's a very selfish impulse. But it a) doesn't change the fact that she's still trying to save everyone's lives and b) values her life LESS than validation from her family and people around, and this is fucking tragic. I just want to hug this kid (yes I'm 31 so I'm allowed to say a 22 yo is a kid, more so when she behaves like one) and get her some therapy, gods know she needs it (and will probably resist kicking and screaming so she needs to see the necessity herself first).

I mean. Whatever the reasoning, she can still die.

And yet she's going along with the plan.

Although she's really her father's daughter, and I'd say she at least developed SOME spite. Graham is so detached I have to wonder at times if he's even there at all, it feels like most the time he would be happy to surrender the body and mind to Joshua completely, unless one of the triggers like Jamie is up. The way it feels... Graham wouldn't mind being in a computer, probably. Just exploring stuff and thinking it over. He already spent most the time inside his head by the time of the divorce. He's pretty desperate because he doesn't know what to do with his life, to the point when it feels like he doesn't want to live all that much in general but dying is a bit extra for him, too. One of the rare cases when I want to say "Grow some balls ffs!" but then can't get rid if the thought that if he did he might have killed himself, which is... no.

Jamie is wrecking havoc wherever she goes, appears to not care about morals much, but in fact she's just as empty inside and desperate to be SOMETHING, something meaningful. Graham finds fulfilment in his inner values, so he actually doesn't care much what everyone else thinks - as long as it's meaningful enough by his own standards, it's enough. Jamie seeks outside approval. In any case, they both are wrecked mentally.

Having BPD, I know how it feels. I really feel for them both, their cases are pretty extreme exactly because they didn't find the ways? didn't search? didn't have an opportunity? to fix those neural paths to fill the yearning void inside in a non-harmful way. That's why their cases are tragic to me. Instead of making their choice out of pure moral values and desire to save others they want to save themselves this way. Only it isn't gonna work.

The more I listened, the more the pressure inside grew: I want to scream at Graham sometimes that he's not getting better this way, he's only digging his pit much, much deeper. And now Jamie does the same, although in a different way. They both don't need to do what they are doing, they need help. It's painful to listen.

I don't know why Give Me Away strikes me so much. I didn't have such a visceral emotional reaction to stories for quite a while.

Also Joshua should be thankful for Graham because he really needed that mental slap. Being too full of himself is a road to ruin, and his hubris can bury not just himself but all his people along with him, and then some.

[gubes-sweaters]

Fire on Fire

Content Warning(s): discussion of childhood trauma, small mention of Cat’s mother’s murder

Word Count: 1.5k

Chapter 2: I Almost Started to Believe Her

“I think this session went well, but before we go. Overall, how’ve you been feeling? I know these past couple weeks haven’t been easy,” she says, pushing her blonde bob back behind her ear. She looks carefully at the young woman sitting across from her. The young woman who was clearly avoiding the conversation busied herself by rolling an M&M in her hand, then popping it into her mouth before the candy coating began to melt.

Her mouth opened slightly like she was getting ready to talk, but she grabbed a few more M&Ms out of the bowl of candy on the wooden coffee table in front of her. She ponders her thoughts for a moment before opting to speak.

“I don’t know it’s been… heavy,” She wasn’t sure what to say. Knowing the sister she desperately looked for and created this star studded image of from a young age before and after they were separated by the foster system, did what she did, left her numb to say the least. She popped the colorful candies in her mouth signaling that she was done talking.

“I know the idea of finding Catherine one day was something you dreamed about. We talked about that when you first came into my office six years ago. It has to be disappointing, knowing she turned out like this,” she says, while writing something in the woman’s patient file.

“I think I just liked the idea of her more than anything, Someone who protected me and loved me, but looking back without the rose tinted glasses, her love was conditional. If I didn’t do A then she did B or she would ignore me for X amount of time. All while I have the other childhood trauma running alongside the turmoil she put me through,” she says with a solemn look on her tired features.

“Well, why did you stop listening to her? What changed?” The therapist asks before adjusting herself in her leather seat. The two women had been talking for over an hour at this point and it showed because both of them have been wiggling in their seats more frequently as the time passed.

“I guess I started to get a mind of my own and she didn’t like that. Shortly after our dad killed her mom, and we were both sent off to foster care. She ended up with some man in North Carolina I guess and I eventually ended up with my foster moms. Since we have different mom’s and her mom was murdered, we were considered different cases, so we were split up and we lost all contact,” she says bluntly. It wasn’t even two years since she originally unpacked all of this trauma. Reliving all of this feels like opening old wounds. Especially since she had to go into depth about her childhood because of Cat getting arrested the first time. She had talked about her childhood a lot when she began therapy, but Cat now being brought into this brought a whole new set of memories. No longer did she see her older sister as this snarky, funny, and strong person. She was a bully at the end of the day. She used to be able to look at her old memories and see Cat as a beacon, but those memories are now forever stained.

“So, it didn’t end on either of your own accords?”

“No, I was still very young when everything went down and Cathrine was a teenager,” she says before adjusting herself and fidgeting with her necklace.

“Alright, I’m sorry to cut this off, but we are over our time and I know you have to go back to work. I’ll still see you next week, at the same time?” The therapist asks.

“Yep,” the younger woman responds, while grabbing her belongings off the tan leather couch.

“Alright then and you know if you need me for anything, call my number,” the woman says while standing in unison with her.

“Will do. Have a nice weekend,” she replies while walking out of the office. She repeats those same sentiments to the man who works at the receptionist desk after picking up her doctor’s excuse for work. As she makes her way out of the building the sun that's peaking through the cloudy sky warms her skin and she pulls out her sunglasses from her purse while making her way to her car.

She doesn’t even get to open her car door before her phone starts buzzing. She expected it to be her boss or even a co worker wondering when she’ll be back to work. Instead she got an unknown number in her phone.

“Hello?” she picked it up, curiosity looming in her voice.

“Hi, um this is, well, I don’t know how to explain this very well. This is Spencer Reid, I’m with the BAU. We did an investigation on your sister, Cat. Well, my team did, I wasn’t there because… the reason isn’t all that important right now. I wanted to know if we could talk about a few things over coffee,” a shaky voice replies on the other line.

“Listed I told your team I haven’t even seen Cathrine since I was eight. There’s nothing I can do to help,” she snapped back.

“No, it’s nothing work related. It’s just personal. Cat has caused me a lot of… problems in my personal life and I’m just taking my therapist’s advice. I wanted to know if it was alright to meet for coffee, maybe we can talk. If- If you don’t want to that’s fine,” he ended his rambling sounding unsure and awkward. Spencer sat in his car fidgeting with anything that was in the cup holders or center console, waiting for a response with bated breath.

She lets out a long, but quiet sigh. The other line was nearly silent for a minute minus the muted sounds of the young woman on the other line opening her car door and cranking the car up.

“Sorry, I wanted to switch the call to the bluetooth in my car. I don't want to be running late for work,” speaks up. Spencer suddenly feels the shred of confidence he had when making the decision to call begin to dissipate.

“How does Thursday afternoon work? Like three o’clock? After two I’m off work for the rest of the day.” She says with a slightly gentler tone. The tenderness makes Spencer’s ears perk up a bit.

“Yeah that’ll work. There’s a great coffee place that I love. They have a latte that uses robusta coffee beans. Which has very high levels of caffeine. It's actually very interesting. I can send you the address to the coffee shop.” He says before cutting himself off before going on about his prefered type of coffee.

When Spencer first moved into his apartment after Gideon recruited him that was the first place he visited. Ever the routine-oriented person, he has gone there before work almost everyday since.

The women's cold demeanor began to be chiseled away. This was proven by her light, airy laugh she let out at Spencer’s sudden facts tumbling from his mouth, an old habit of his.

After her small laugh she agreed with a simple ‘okay’, with the remnants of her laugh still lingering.

Now it was Spencer’s turn to be quiet. He wasn't sure how to navigate certain conversations, especially with new people because of how often he was bullied as a child. It doesn't make it any better when the new person he’s talking to is a half-sister of the woman who’s dedicated the past few years of her life to ruining his.

“I'm sorry if that seemed like I was laughing at you, I wasn’t . You kind of sounded like my mom when you started bringing up random facts.” She says, noticing the quiet. Y/N tended to be very perceptive. Captivating a small crowd of people with varying reactions is important. Knowing how to get shy, curious people to speak up, get overtly snarky know-it-alls to quiet enough for everyone else to enjoy the tip, but entertaining their conversations enough that they did not feel rejected, or to get more bored people engaged with the stories she tried to paint became her forte.

“That’s alright, well I’ll send you the address. I’ve uh- got to go. I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, have a good day. Bye.” She says, admittedly kind of awkwardly.

“You too, bye.” Is all Spencer udders before fumbling with his phone then hanging up.

When the call drops he heart is left pounding. Not with fear or worry, but the type of anxiousness that makes someone have butterflies in their belly. The type of anxiousness that brings a little bit of warmth to the tips of a person’s ears and cheeks.

She has a small smile she can’t wipe off her face as she pulls out of her parking spot and heads towards work.

A/N: I’ve had this unedited sitting for so long, but i finally decided to edit it and put it out, mostly only because I said I would yesterday and now I feel obligated. So enjoy! Also if you have any requests my messages along with submissions are always open! Also this is inspired by the Sam Smith song Fire on Fire. The titles of the chapters are the lyrics to that song. Their voice is absolutely breathtaking and I listen to their music a lot while I write.

Taglist (if any aren’t gray that means i tried to tag, but couldn’t find the user sorry :/): @striving4averagegirl @measure-in-pain @tvandfanfic @haylaansmi @rexorangecouny @sophiario

[slashingdisneypasta]

So uh, do you remember my Tiny Tots AU? Well, I've thought of a few more things for it, if you'd like to hear XD of course you can easily ignore this too ^^

- Ok so in your second chapter of the Smartass' Daughter AU, it looked like that lady was initially drawn towards Wheezy because he was holding baby Y/N (but got ensnared by his beautiful eyes~). What if this became SUCH a common thing in the Tiny Tots AU? Like, so many women (and men) see just-starting-to-smoke-probably Wheezy with all these kids of varying ages, sees how much of a dad he is over all of them despite the fact none of them are his, and swoon over it? Maybe they assume he's some teacher, or a town baby sitter or something, but either way, they all feel similarly? Idk I just think this is funny XD

- What if Wheezy, and by extension Greasy since he's SUPPOSED to be the other responsible one here, get to befriend some of the parents? Not all of them, like I doubt he'd like Psycho's, depending on what they're like before the sanitorium, and he definitely has no respect for Poppy's. But like he and Smartass' and Stupids mum! I can definitely see her appreciating him watching over her sons very much ^^ (on this note, imagine Wheezy's cousins catching wind of this 'daycare' he's running and telling Mr. And Mrs. Wheezy.)

(This is for your headcannon of their families specifically since I'm still trying to figure out how I see their family situations. I'll get back to you with this when I do if you want XD)

- So, Greasy desperately needs some therapy. Wheezy might as well be an unlicensed therapist with the way I depict them. Maybe, even though Greasy is constantly leaving him with the kids and getting into trouble, they wind up bonding? Not necessarily a father-son bond, but maybe more like brothers? Idk, I just need Wheezy comforting Greasy when he's having a particularly rough day.

(Imagine Stupid, and possibly Poppy, being a comfort to Greasy too! Like taking care of Stu could distract Greasy from whatever is bugging him, and he's reassured that at least this little tyke likes him, even if the rest of the world seems against him ^^ and with Poppy. Well, she's a slightly older baby, so she doesn't quite understand why he's upset on a deeper level. But I can see her just hugging him, regardless if he's got a sneer or a defensive posture, and just telling him that everything will be ok. She'd try to stay until he feels better ^^)

- Psycho and Greasy totally develop a childish rivalry. Like the kind that makes Greasy wonder half the time why the hell he's even dealing with this little twit, and the other half he's being just a petty as Psycho is. Idk how it started- you know what? There wasn't even a beginning probably. Psycho met Greasy, this shifty teenager who smells funny, and immediately decided he didn't like him. It's like those videos of babies who start crying as soon as they're in somebody's arms XD except this child can and will bite-

- Alright, back to angst. Smarty is more than likely really stressed with having to take care of his little brother. It's no one's fault, his mom has to work so hard just to put food on the table and before Wheezy, there wasn't any other adult in their lives they could trust. But it doesn't change the fact that he still had to grow up faster than he should have because of this (maybe this is where he gets his leader instincts? So at least there's that). Fortunately, he's got Wheezy, and sometimes Greasy, to help out ^^ unfortunately, they came with all these other children so Smarty has to deal with that too XD

- Since Psycho and Poppy are friends in this AU, what if their families wound up knowing each other too? Idk what Psycho's family would think about her parents, but her parents definitely didn't approve of the little weasel friend she's made. I can imagine if one set of parents find out that their child is gone though, they'll call up the other household and ask if their kid is missing too. If yes, both families know that their kids are off together doing lord knows what XD (maybe this could lead to Poppy finding out about Psycho being left at the sanitorium too! She would definitely help get him out, or at least convince his family to take him back out).

- Roger and Jessica aren't really around that much. They'd kinda be like side characters in a TV show that only show up in a few episodes, I guess? But I'm imagining that they and the weasels and Poppy all run into each other on occasion. If Roger and Poppy are related, they'd show up and hang out more often. But if not, then there wouldn't really be a way/reason for them to interact with the others that I can see (unless Psycho still chases after Roger, and now Jessica has to defend her friend from the scary kid XD)

- Now that Shiny has officially been created, I gotta figure out how she fits in this AU. But this definitely would take place during her magician phase. She and Jessica are also the same age- maaaybe even know each other? Still debating it.

And that's all I got so far. I hope you like these! ^^

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH man, this is all so amazing, I just- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!, the tiny tots au and all your ideas for it are so so obsess-worthy!!

'that's all I got so far'- 'THATS ALL'?? What do you mean, 'that's all', this a novel and more then we deserve!! XD 🧡💛💚💙💜

I cant even- I wanna add more because I feel like that is how I can properly express my loveee for this AU and your work but I really cant think of anything, this is all just overwhelmingly good!! Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much for sharing!!!

Every single dot point had me grinning from ear to ear XD

[isa-ghost]

Reading your journal thing rn and damn that's a ride XD

Was curious at "figure out a communication method that my skepticism can’t debunk" and honestly should've guessed that it'll end up being tarot, these little shits (affectionate) never fail to feel me called the fuck out lmao. A pendulum was my guess tbh (pendulum & dice were my first tools)

But also, damn Leviathan & Michael? - you're in very good hands. (the rest likely too, just no experience with them). Think... healing, recovery, shadow work, trauma work... Both of course have different approaches, but when they intend to help you get better, they mean it.

And your response to my ask - yeah, I tend to be drawn to the ones that feel like powerful friends as well, rather than the ones that expect me to walk on eggshells and overthink every action... imo that makes things a lot less stressful.

"He loves slapping me with my Spotify playlist" - Leviathan used to do that to me lmao. Me: trying to chill. Leviathan: okay but what if we think about *growth* instead??

Honestly, everything you're saying sounds promising and you sound excited :3

Heard only good things about Apollo tbh, but don't know much personally, I'm more familiar with demons ;) - A

YES I was so hesitant to use a pendulum at first because it's easy to go "no that was me moving. No it was already swinging like that. No the fan blew on it and made it move. Etc." I still often ask questions twice or even three times to confirm the answer is legit and I make sure the pendulum is absolutely still before I ask a question, so that any movement is Definitely An Answer after. Tarot, however, doesn't lie, and WOWIE do Apollo and Levi love to go for the throat. It's very funny.

Last night before Leviathan was like "yeah I scratched you, L. Anyway put Ashton on the mic I want him dead rn," I was doing a reading with Apollo because I'd seen a crow while I was out, which usually means "Isa I have words." And he basically came outta nowhere with 4 cards that were basically like "take a wellness break, all your major obligations are dealt with, things at home are peaceful, you're doing great sweetie." And I was bewildered bc he'd made it sound like I was super stressed out but I really wasn't.

I was scrambling and probably overthinking that he was referring to something specific when he was just speaking generally, but when I asked him if it was just a plain message with the pendulum, its movement was basically the spiritual equivalent of him going "EEEHsorta? ... You'll figure it out later."

Leviathan hasn't personally obliterated me with anything but literal Lake Michigan waves yet, but he basically turned my friend Ashton into soup last night, so I know I'm definitely in good hands and whenever he DOES have a tarot message for me, I'm lovingly dead meat. I always joke that he's my Paranormal Activity Demon, he claimed me as a baby and he'll fuck up anyone who touches his blorbo.

Michael is probably the third most present entity of the five, despite him lurking rather than working with me. My sister is,,, Desperately In Need Of Therapy and refuses to get it, so she's A Lot /Neg. I'd confidently say she's verbally/emotionally abusive to me, let's just say that. And Michael gets very defensive of me about it. He got into it more in that reading I mentioned about Family Matters in the post. He's also been like "Its ok bestie I got you" while I've been in churches for weddings and whatnot.

Ceridwen has had a single message for me, which was basically "hey dummy, start talking to Levi and I more, I know you're only confident in talking to Apollo but you gotta talk to us in order to get that far too." And this poor woman. I was misunderstanding the cards so hard, I ended up pulling like 6 more cards and asking questions that all got progressively more exasperated "NO"s. Like mom I am so sorry, I'm a huge dumbass omg. So eventually I gave up and talked to the friend who found out these 4 were around me in the first place bc she was the first one to start working with Ceridwen, and right away she was like "yeah no you were overthinking so hard, she meant this." I have yet to get anything else from her, but our group has gotten to the point where if more than one of us works with a certain entity (nearly all of us work with Apollo. After he picked me, he went on his "actually I want this whole server" arc, which is funny bc we're all art kids and that's His Thing. Multiple of us work with angels, Morrigan, Ceridwen, Thor, Aphrodite, Athena, and Asmodeus, just to name a few), we can ask the others to help discern what the entity is trying to tell us if we can't figure it out for ourselves.

Morrigan hasn't said anything to me directly Or through other friends yet. Which tbh is on brand for her I think, she's probably the most intimidating entity present in the server. Has big Disciplinarian Stern Mom Woman Of Her Word energy. She said she'd lurk and she meant it, whereas Michael lurks but he'll be like "heeeyy :>"

Overall I Definitely feel like I'm in good hands. I've looked up symbols for all of them, so when I'm out of the house there's a high chance at least one of them (usually Apollo) makes me laugh because I see something and I'm like "REALLY DUDE?" They're all really good at making it known they're here.

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

[quiet-in-the-wild]

Today in therapy it was so good I was breaking down and really challenging like 4 major things my parents instilled in me that I just absolutely don’t value or believe

and I just had a realization- when I saw a photo of my friends kid

My parents always have hated kids. They hate everything about them. Lol it’s funny right-

My mom a teacher who desperately wanted to be a mother so bad she tried to adopt 7 times but they fell through - hates kids - both my parents are so disgusted by kids

And I like kids - I think they are so smart and creative but they are a lot sensory wise so I’ve just kinda held onto those beliefs too

So today I saw a picture of a friends kid with food on her face & usually I would think ugh gross. But today I saw it without that lens of my parents influence . And I was like- that is so human.

And it hit me- everything thing they hate is human. Everything they tried to erase from me or have me hide was my humanity.

They are disgusted by rest, joy, pain, emotion, vulnerability, mess, love - they both hate it all. And I saw that photo and it hit me so hard it feels like I finally broke away- like

I love humanity. I love the complexities, the mess, the joy, the connections we make, the way we grow and learn

I feel like logically or in the back of my head I’ve know this- but it feels like walls just came crashing down. Fuck them I don’t even need to hold onto anything they pushed onto me- in the most neutral way.

I feel free from it.

[onceuponalegendbg]

Alright alright alright. Time for me to really get my thoughts down for the penultimate episode of Owl House.

I really enjoyed it. I think I liked the premiere a bit better but this was still so good. Dana and the crew did a fantastic job hitting the story beats they needed to in such a condensed amount of time.

Let’s try to hit this by character for some sense of organization.

I’ll hit Amity first since she took a little bit of a back seat this episode. Which is fair. She’s arguably gotten the second most amount of screen time as a whole after all.

She had some nice moments though, especially her moment with Luz at the Owl House and a couple of funny moments. Really nice to hear how she woke Ghost.

Gus got to show off why he’s such a good friend to both Willow and Hunter. His banter with Matt was great. I love this little dude so much. Confirmation that he knew about Hunter being a Grimmwalker. Like Amity there isn’t a whole lot to get into here but he played his role well.

Hunter, man I just feel bad for this kid. He’s still trying to figure himself out and he’s not really properly grieving for Flap yet. He’s still processing which is fair. Also, Huntlow.

Willow, sweetheart, precious bean. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Like, I get it. This girl bottled her emotions even before Luz showed up but that was back when she was being bullied. Now, she’s still bottling things up in an effort to prove how strong she’s become and that people can rely on her. It sucks. Her admitting that she missed her dads really just puts into perspective that these are all just kids who are going to need so much therapy when this is over (someone call Sasha!) and I want to hug them so bad. I also just love seeing her stand up to Boscha more and that they’re not suddenly friends because Boscha sort of kind of had a somewhat change of heart.

Camila is kind of the MVP of season three if I’m being honest. I love everything about this woman. She’s a pure, kind soul and seeing her being a mom to all these kids is so heartwarming. But especially seeing her interactions with Luz just… it’s the best. Also, her admitting to being a secret nerd. We been knew.

Luz. Oh my baby girl. Camila really hit this one on the head though. “She just seems determined to make herself sad.” Oh honey. I’m so proud of this kid, though. She finally figured out what it really is that she wanted, and the animation for that was gorgeous. The look on her face. Man. I got so emotional. Also, String Bean is precious and I will protect them with my life. Seriously so cute.

I do want to kind of throw Boscha and Kiki here, because there’s not any major development with them but there’s a couple things worth mentioning. It’s hinted at in the credits that while Boscha was actually very upset about her team (friends) getting captured Kiki snuck in and kind of took advantage of that. Really preyed on this teenager’s own insecurity. More like Belos than I thought, there, Kiki. I also just want to, once again, admit to being a moron and not even recognizing Kiki in disguise. Did not even occur to me.

So, I’ve always liked Boscha for the kind of role she filled in once Amity got her redemption. There’s been a couple moments that kind of show “oh yeah, she’s still a kid” (her reaction to actually getting her palisman comes to mind), and it was kind of nice to have this reinforced here. Have to give credit to the voice actress for really selling the scared and desperate kid (specifically when Boscha thinks Amity left/disappeared again). I wish we had the time to explore this side of Boscha a little more. See how she actually viewed the relationship between her and Amity, and between her and her team. I don’t know. She’s a very minor side character so I get why they didn’t of course. It’s just something I’ve always been a little curious about but never expected them to touch at all. This is really more than I ever expected from Boscha’s character really and it’s not even that much.

Belos…. Oh Belos. You really are just the absolute worst. Got to say though, the animation for his goop monster form and the way it all just basically melts off his bones… oh boy. And now with him taking possession of Raine, I see so much angst in the future. I’m actually really glad he still seems like the final boss of all this.

I really don’t have to much to say about the Collector and the rest of the Owl Gang. I love the new designs but other than that not a whole lot to comment on.

The OST slapped so hard though. Beginning to end.

I honestly don’t even know what to expect for the finale, man.

[xtrablak674]

I am Alive

I'm trying to remember if there are any picture of my father and me together after this image, and I don't think there are any, ergo my using this photo as the thumbnail for this entry. Addendum, I had used the photo I was talking about as a thumbnail on another entry and decided to change it with this scan of my father's public benefits card also from nineteen ninety-one, its like the story writes itself.

According to the postcard the year is nineteen ninety-one and the date is November twenty-ninth, the things that are immediately clear to me is that this isn't my campus address, and Ithaca is spelled incorrectly.

Context is very important so Dear Reader I will give you some, maybe with in a year or two after the above photograph my father moved back into his parents household where I was already residing in their former living room having been turned into a bedroom for their first-born grandchild after the passing of his mom maybe a year or two before this photo is taken.

Curiously as I did my yoga this morning I was thinking about this trucker hat that I used to own, I remember it being two shades of blue with a white plastic mesh, and as I was taking another look I am actually wearing this hat in the picture below. Its funny to me because behind the scenes my subconscious has been putting together the pieces of this journal entry in subtle ways. Last week I was sharing the postcard from my father with my nephew when we were sharing college experiences.

As usual I have gotten off-topic, but my father had moved into my 'bedroom' and we shared the pull-out bed in the couch. Interestingly I hadn't shared a bedroom since I was maybe four or five years younger, my mom had moved me into my older brother's bedroom in our apartment feeling I had the need for a bit more privacy and my father sharing a bed and room with me was a double regression, one for him and one for me.

I am feeling hesitant in how to proceed because I am not sure if I have written about how the man who had been my best-friend for most of my life turned on me, and attempted to murder me right in his parent's home which he had returned to.

I will say this our relationship was never the same after the attempted, well which is it manslaughter or more appropriately boyslaughter, or is it attempted murder? According to a Google search its all about intention, so I think this was totally murder. But thats not what I want to write about, I want to write about this postcard and the desperation that is laced in it.

When recounting the experience years later in therapy Ms. Kennedy asked me, did someone call the police? The saying, you could have knocked me over with a feather could never have been more appropriate. I had never even considered at the time that filicide is indeed a thing, there is literally a word for when a parent attempts to exterminate their offspring. The only defense I have for my grandparents is they made him leave the next day, so I only had to spend one night with the man who attempted to extinguish my life, there couldn't be anything traumatic about that, could there? #sarcasm

As an adult I can admit that folks all around were trying to do their best, it had to be hard for my grandparents to have to choose their grandchild over their first-born child, but I was the minor and legally under their care, my safety had to be put first. Writing about this now this feels like such an abstraction for me, never in my entire life I would have guessed that my own father would be the person who would attempt to assassinate me for ultimately being too much like him, not that there is ever any excuse for an adult to lay hands on a child.

I am not saying I made it through childhood unscathed, but the monsters or villains of my youth were usually people who weren't related to me. Like Marvin Church my god-grandma's eldest son who did things to me that a forty year old man should have never done to a ten year old. My father's girlfriend Patricia Jackson had beaten me in the head until I was unconscious I think the first time in my childhood I had lost consciousness. Whatever would lead me to believe that my dad would join these brutes as one of the people who weren't looking out for my best interest?

Back to the postcard, I can see that this wasn't any off-the-cuff postcard, some serious thought had went into its selection pairing humor with morbidity, an appropriate reading of his sense of humor which is also mirrored in my own humor.

Back of postcard:

"Name of Item

The letter you were expecting has been placed on back order.

We expect to ship within the next year.

Thank you for your patience."

He clearly was in his feelings about my lack of contact since I had left for college. Small context about college, I had done all of the necessary documents, applications, paid fees all on my own. My grandparents nor him had any part in my getting into the private college in upstate New York. Out of the five that I applied to I am even surprise they found out which one I was accepted to, maybe someone from my high school helped them with that piece of evidence, because I didn't share my acceptance letter with any of them.

Well it seems I need more of an explanatory comma here, at eighteen I was more than ready to leave my grandparents house, my burgeoning sexuality had caused tensions between me and the matriarch of the house leading to many terse conversations.

I was not only coming into my own, but taking the steps to realize those dreams without any input or participation of the adults in the household. There may have been some resentment on her part because it must have been embarrassing when her friends or sisters inquired where was I and she didn't have a clear idea. This probably lead to my eviction and subsequent homelessness that would happen within months of this postcard.

Front of postcard:

"I am alive.

As are your paternal grandparents.

How about you?

Please advise.

Am still working on the w.p.

I love you very much.

Aṣẹ

V.O.M.-C.M."

I have to pause a minute, I seriously thought this journal entry would be about this piece of hard paper that has been living in a collage on the wall of my bathroom, but emotionally there are feelings tangled up in how we got to this postcard, some that I didn't even anticipate. For a moment I believed that this would probably be a humorous short entry with a couple of photos. But there was so much more to unpack.

"I am alive."

Curiously two years after this postcard nearly to the month he wouldn't be alive. He'd be found in his apartment body rotted for weeks in the un-air conditioned enclosure of his Harlem apartment. The same address which is a stamp near the bottom of this missive. With his death my orphanage would begin in earnest having less than ten years with my mom and fifteen with my father, albeit I was in my early twenties when he died, after his assault I never saw him again.

"As are your paternal grandparents."

His father would die eighteen years after this postcard and his moms thirty years later peacefully in her sleep at home.

The most curious thing is he feels the need to distinguish his parents as opposed to my moms parents. She was the one who asked them to take me in case of her death, he wasn't even under consideration as a choice because he hadn't shown a level of stability in his adult life that she could trust to be conducive to raising a child. Ergo she asked his very responsible, stable and capable parents to take in his first born child. His simple sentence is laced with an un-earned self-satisfaction that I was under his parents, my grandparents care. But I think what he's missing is I should have been under his care. He was only reflecting his own failure as a parent. #idiot

"How about you?"

Well, I am guessing if you thought I was dead you wouldn't actually be writing to me. There's not much to say about that. I think I fully had cause to not want to have contact with him or his parents who non-verbally condoned his violence by not having him arrested.

"Please advise?"

I can assure the studio audience that I didn't respond to this inquiry, nor did I feel it necessary to do so. I was enjoying the freedom of young adulthood and learning so much about life attending this away-from-home college living amongst people I couldn't even imagine associating with.

"Am still working on the w.p."

This is the saddest thing in this postcard, because once again it emphasizes my father's failures. I think months before I was set to go to college he had asked me if I needed anything, that in itself was odd because at no time prior had he ever attempted to take on a parental role. He usually enjoyed embracing the role of friend or compatriot not a figure of authority or rule.

He had also never directly asked me about my needs or wants. And sadly he was decades too late! I had become very self-sufficient as a young adult having not only held a job consistently since I was fourteen but also going to school full-time and doing volunteer work at theatre downtown.

His asking me for what I wanted was a foreign and new feeling to me and I recall being taken aback because I had never even considered him as a person who would support me in anyway beyond the comic books he bought for himself that he gave me after he read. I said a word processor, clearly dating myself, but also being practical. A manual typewriter would have been unwieldy but a word processor would be useful in college a place where writing papers was the norm. But it would never come. I bought my first computer a used Macintosh SE from a junior high school friend.

"I love you very much."

I am guessing in his way he did albeit I don't think he did a good job of showing it physically. Unlike my other siblings father's he was at least more present, I visited with him much more than the other dads would visit with their children. So maybe this was love. The thing it had been tainted because of his actions towards me which he never apologized or made reparations for.

He may have been alive, but he had been dead to me for a long time, and in '93 his status had caught up with his body and he was truly dead.

[Photos by Brown Estate]

[genderjeopardy]

This is a brief, kind of muddy and unreliable recollection of my coming out to my parents like an year ago so,

TW: transphobia, s**c*de mention

i still find it so incredibly funny that my parents waited MONTHS to have "The Talk" with me. when it happened, they started off by mentioning how they always noticed my "habits" (trying to grow my hair out, speaking in a higher pitched voice, using my mom's deodorant, etc.) but weren't explicit about their observations. they then reassured me that in that time period, they had became more "open-minded", "knew more about the world" and how they would accept me regardless of my "sexual orientation". me being me, i was obvs swept up in a newfound respect and love for my parents, and almost instantly decided to let go of any hatred or reservations about them that had been boiling inside me for quite some time.

alas, i made a terrible oversight and failed to pay close attention to their exact words. "Your sexual orientation". now, i dont and wont blame my parents for not being up-to-date with queer lingo, but the point remains that they were expecting me to tell them that i was like, idk, gay (mlm) or bi or wtv. at the end of the day, in their heads, i would still remain their son.

ofc, this realization sailed way over my head at that point in time. as a result of this, and me letting of my guard, i blurted out that i thought that i was maybe trans. like i just mentioned offhand about going to therapy to discuss abt my supposed dysphoria and wanting my parents to use my preferred pronouns.

as soon as i finished my sentence, i could just feel the entire mood in the room just do a full 180. my parents who were v committed to presenting a calm, rational aura till that moment, instantly gravitated to smtg closer to pure confoundment and, weirdly enough, grief (in retrospect this made way more sense). like i just told them their relative died or smtg. heads buried in hands, my father crudely commented abt me becoming one of the "psychopaths". mom just straight up warned me that she would end herself over this (i think this was just said out of frustration, but still), trying to talk while almost choking on her tears. it was rlly tough for me to process exactly what was transpiring but i subconsciously went from "open your heart out" mode to "damage control", reassuring my parents that i wasnt sure whether i was even trans, let alone ready and willing to socially and medically transition. the situation kind of came into more control from there, but the message was clear, from both sides. my parents knew that i was not "just gay", and i knew that my parents werent rlly approving of my potential transness.

from then on, i kind of subconsciously restricted myself; somewhat lowering my vocal pitch, not regularly shaving my facial and body hair, more compliant with my parents' requests to not let my hair grow too long (my mom would question me sometimes whether i was still considering "that thing" with the same tone one would use when discussing idk, a drug addiction).

i still like to think that its not rlly hatred, but just an apprehension of smtg alien, smtg so incredibly against everything that both my parents have been raised with. i still like to hope that maybe in the future, with time and effort from myself (in terms of understanding them and teaching them), things could very well change. but i also cant help but lie that obvs the things they said were hurtful. furthermore, my feelings abt my supposed transness have been way more inconsistent than what i'd hoped for. not regular enough for me to be confident that i desperately need to transition, but also not completely out of my mind to convince me that im cis. if i cant convince even myself, who am i to teach anyone else?

anyways, i just wanted to let it out for funsies, considering the wide (and funny) gulf between my parents working so hard to prepare themselves for me coming out as "gay", only for them to get blown away with a completely different concept.

[speakingagain]

Hi,

I'm Mae, I'm 24 years old and tired of giving a shit. I have created this blog for a few reasons. As stated in the description, I have a lot to say but never say it. This is a bad habit that I've had for many years and it has negatively impacted me in multiple ways.

I struggle greatly with opening up, trusting others and letting myself be vulnerable with anyone but my dog. That's not exactly healthy. And I know that ideally, one should deal with mental health issues such as this one with a professional, like therapy.

However, I live in the US and as a part of the lower class, that's a whole ass joke. Insurance is expensive, therapy is expensive, I don't qualify for state provided insurance and even if I did, the waiting list to get seen is several months out, if not longer. And I'm honestly one slight inconvenience of losing my shit. So Tumblr it is.

This blog is not meant to gain a ton of views. I'm not looking for followers, likes, fame or anything of the like. I don't care about that and I don't care about your negative opinions on my issues and/or feelings. My life is too much of a dumpster fire as it is to really care. So if you have nothing nice or supporting to say, don't waste my time or yours by commenting. You will get blocked, and I'll think about it for like 15 minutes max before I get distracted by my own lack of attention span. I personally think it's a waste of both of our time.

I'd also like to make it clear that I am aware that I am the cause of most of my own problems. I make dumb decisions more often than not and that's something I'm trying to change. Hence the blog.

If you want to say something nice, funny or supporting, I do encourage it and because we can all use some positivity in our lives because the world is shitty enough as it is.

A little bit about me.... I have no life. I work overnights and have two jobs, as an RBT (registered behavioral tech) and as a QMAP (Qualified Medication Administering Person (because they needed to make a whole title of it apparently)). I got married at 19 because I was an idiot who was (and still is... lets be honest) desperate for love and support while also being a brat wanting to rebel from my family. I'm currently working on getting a divorce, but I'll be honest, it's not high on my priority list right now even though it definitely should be.

I have a dog, she is 10 years old, and a lab/pittbull mix. She's a big old goofy girl and she thinks she's a lap dog. She's the highlight of my life even though she has approximately 3 brain cells per day. Her favorite things involve being a crack head, stealing food, and forcefully cuddling anyone not strong enough to push her off (me and her grandma basically). She has weird habits like trying to hide her plush toys outside and then forgetting they exist. For the last 5 years I had her, she barked only a handful of times but since I moved back in with my mom, she has started barking regularly. I try to be mad about it but she sounds like a strangled turkey and it's honestly hilarious. She loves fireworks but is absolutely terrified of hot air balloons, I have no idea why.

I live with my Mom for a few reasons, like the rising cost of living, me getting a divorce and her being lonely. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves (like most mother/daughter relationships) but most of the time we just make wise cracks and talk shit and occasionally smoke the devil's lettuce together. Our favorite thing to do is watch TV together, vape and then sit under the stars in the summer and talk about whatever comes to mind and laugh until we get eaten alive by mosquitoes.

She also has a dog, but technically it's her boyfriends (he's just currently out of the country being a tech nerd). This dog, is also 10 years old, and is a weird Shiba inu/Chihuahua mix? That's our best guess. We were told by her breeder she was purebred Shiba inu but she looks weird and shakes as much as a Chihuahua does so we took a guess. She's sassy and spoiled but also adorable. She broke and dislocated her ankle last month while jumping out of the car and just had surgery the other day to repair it. She's been high on pain meds for the last 48 ish hours and it's both sad and hilarious because she is half shaved but also stares at the floor for 25 minutes trying to decide if she should lay down or not.

I have 3 siblings (technically 4, but that's unnecessarily complicated and he's kind of an asshole who I haven't seen more than 2 times in the last 7 years so it's fine). I have two older sisters and and older brother. They live across the eastern side of the US, living their best lives as they can. I like to think we are all super close but there's always long spans of time we just get so busy with our adult lives that we kind of forget each other exist and then after like a month and a half, someone sends a meme in the group chat and no one shuts up for the next 2 weeks. Family, am I right?

My father is for lack of better terms, an POS. He's uninvolved and we are all better off for it. He's a waste of time and space. I may go further into details in later posts where I explain my lengthy daddy issues, but honestly, he's a loser who looks like a fat and homeless hobbit but lives off his 80 something year old mother. Like I said, POS.

For my hobbies, I enjoy sleeping, being sarcastic, and pretty much anything involving art. Photography, drawing and painting are my favorites. I am attempting to learn how to tattoo but it's way harder than it looks and my motivation is about as consistent as my attention span. Non existent.

I'd compare it to trying to draw on raw chicken with a vibrator taped to a pen.

I love music and it's one of my main coping skills. I like metal, pop, and some rap. (I am proud and un proud of being able to rap with Nicki Minaj with Bottoms Up). And indie pop is a top favorite recently.

I am an introvert at heart but at the same time, I don't know how to shut up (as you can probably guess from this long ramble) and have little to no filter. A lot of people find me weird and unsettling. They aren't wrong. Sometimes I wish I was a proper extrovert because I think that if I had more self confidence (and the social battery to be around people) I'd have a lot more fun and have more memories beyond working and staying at home watching Supernatural or The Witcher (I'm a sucker for pretty boys).

I'd love to go out more, meet more people and experience life. I'd like to go clubbing and go to bars and socialize. Maybe have a hoe phase. I'd love to meet new people and make memories and have funny stories to tell my 13 cats when I'm old. But quite frankly, I hate people. I hate loud and crowded places. And I especially hate being touched. It generally comes down to me getting outside my comfort zone and also having friends who have time to do that shit. And money. That's a reoccurring problem for everyone though.

That's pretty much me, thanks for reading, and I'm proud if anyone actually read this whole thing. I appreciate each and every one of you, and I'm glad you're here. Don't give up on your mental health journey and take care of yourself, yeah?

Wish me good luck on my journey to get over the shit I've got going on in my brain, I'm gonna need it.

Picture is of my dorky dog, Sable 😊

[sparkbugs]

I think the last time I talked with my sister, I had given her a Hello Kitty build-a-bear I got her for her 17th birthday. I knew it wasn’t much, but she loved Sanrio characters, Hello Kitty mainly, and as soon as we got it in stock I thought of her. “This’ll make her smile.” I had thought as I bought it that day I was working, “this will give her a moment of happiness that she so desperately needs.”

She turned 17 on the 7th of July. While she was still a teen, her eyes held pain way beyond her years. I gave her the gift when she came to visit our aunt, gave her the biggest hug, said “I love you.” And she was gone.

I think that’s the last time I talked with her. She had texted me, asking if stuff came in the mail for her, but I had been sick so I didn’t respond as I didn’t check the mail stupid of me not to respond, I could’ve told her I loved her earlier and maybe it would’ve changed something. Probably not though, her mind was already made up.

She had written notes on Saturday. To her mother and this man who was “the best person in her life”, who she was staying with because her own mom would whore her out for drugs and alcohol, and then kick her out once she’s had her fill. The one to her mother, telling her that she loved her, even though she was never good enough to deserve love back. The one to the man, saying thanks for everything he did for her, allowing her to have a place to rest her head and to be taken care of.

They found her, two days later, after a missing persons report was closed because she “wasn’t in that location” and they stopped looking. They found her, two days later, after my aunt had called them, begging them to find her baby. They found her, two days later, face down in the marsh. Hand full of fentanyl, untouched.

She was 17, so young, but so hurt by the one she wanted the love and approval from most, that she felt she had to end her life.

I hold a lot of guilt as an older sibling, I feel as if I could have done something, anything, to prevent this. However, I also know that someone who doesn’t want help can’t be helped, though I did my best to provide her with as much love and support possible. I was just a kid when all of this started, I tried to say something, yet my voice wasn’t heard. It didn’t help that she lived two cities away, and I only ever saw her when my mom felt like driving over. “We don’t deal with goes on in that house” she had said once. Selfish of her, letting a child go through the abuse alone like that, knowing we could’ve helped. My sister didn’t want to come live with us, though. And since she was old enough to make that decision, we couldn’t force her to. Not that I would want to force her to do anything, I just wanted her to be safe and to know she had support, but. She didn’t want that with us. She wanted to stay with my aunt, and her alone, but with her being disabled and in need of a caretaker (the wait list being way too long-), she’d have to stay with the three of us, which wasn’t an option in her mind. (Which fair, my mother isn’t the best either, but is in no way, shape, or form like hers.)

It’s funny, how I had a therapy appointment this morning. I told my therapist about everything going on. How we couldn’t contact my sister. How I was worried she was already dead in a ditch somewhere, waiting to be found. It’s funny how she had told me “call me if things change and you need to talk” and I told her I would, yet scheduled our next appointment 3 weeks out. I don’t have any plans on calling her back and telling her now that it’s happened that we need to talk, as I still haven’t fully processed this information. As I still haven’t really cried over it all, about how my baby sister is dead.

I’ve only told one other person that she’s died, besides my family. My friends don’t know, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell them or how. It’s one of my friends birthdays today too, so I feel like that could probably dampen the mood. I’ve said that I’m going through a lot but I’m not ready to talk about it yet, and I don’t know how I would even talk about it. How do you talk about that? How do you bring up that your kid sister killed herself? That’s not necessarily a good conversation starter-

She had been diagnosed with a few things but refused to take medication for it. I totally understand that, when I was first diagnosed with my depression I didn’t want to take any form of medication. It made it more real and I despised that thought. I think she also felt that way, which is why she didn’t start any meds. She also refused therapy, she was recommended it by multiple people (I believe from outpatient and from rehab facilities), but I think that everything she was going through and she had went through was too much to talk about. I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it, from the things I heard it made me want to curl up into a hole and disappear from the world too.

I’m glad she’s at peace now, though. Despite it all. She deserved nothing but the best, and the world gave her the worst it had. She was a good kid, kind and wanted to make people smile. I’ve missed her for a month, and now I’ll miss her forever.

Love you, kid. Give uncle a big hug for me <3