#my mental health is booing me

[karskilledme]

Getting a caregiving job when I don’t currently have the capacity to give care to another human and myself at the same time was a really smart decision. Unfortunately, the capatiism machine demands I make monies. 

[thatonefreemanversefic]

Happy Cicero Sunday! How are u? ^_^ -⛄

I'm a day late!! Noooo!!!

To answer your question, I am doing fine :D I know this blog has been silent for a while now and the fic has been on a brief hiatus, but rest assured I am working on it still!! My goal is to get an update out sometime between now and this Saturday o7

[vcrnons]

considering violent crime because i'll never be as cool as boo seungkwan? far more likely than you'd think.

[scatteredcloud]

I wish society wasn’t fatphobic to the extent that people will congratulate you on your weight loss when you’ve lost weight because you’ve been physically and mentally ill all year.

Haha thanks it’s because I’ve been starving myself :] haha I’m so glad you think it’s appropriate to say that to anyone in any context but especially in this one where you’re speaking to someone who had thin privilege to begin with :]] you’re right it’s really cool and healthy for me to be the same weight I was as a 12 year old :]]] yeah it’s super cool of you to notice that I’ve been eating 1.5 meals a day and then think it’s a good thing :]]] hahaha thank you so much for reaffirming my disordered eating habits that’s really beneficial for me in trying to break those habits so thanks for reminding me that you think that it’s an acceptable and even morally superior way to live what the fuck is wrong with you hahaha :]

[7xwc]

so today i screamed to bols*naro's face (and to his many minions) that he is a ''genocidal asshole'' and how is your day going?

[peony-pearl]

it’s funny that I often write about folks like the Fire Fam finding new paths in life and goals and figuring out who they are and lately I’ve encountered my own identity crisis bc hell if I know anything about myself lmaoooo

[rxkuyo]

the urge to tell this woman that she's fucking dumb in the pettiest most angry way vs. me having to calm myself down and be as friendly about pointing out things she might want to reconsider because I am trying to help this horse and telling her off in any way will just result in her shutting down and not considering my (very valid) points at all

[archersaturn]

potentially very triggering pls do not read if you aren’t in the right headspace to read about bad mental health stuff

(Seriously, don’t read the rest of this if you think you will be affected in any way. TRIGGER WARNING: suicide + self harm)

(no there’s no actual mention of drugs or alcohol abuse in this post I just put that warning on it so ppl wouldn’t accidentally click the post and be met with negative thoughts by tumblr user archersaturn.)

Tfw you were going to kill yourself and then you didn’t do it so now you have to shamefully keep existing on this planet after promising that you would go away…

yeah so anyway pretty much exactly one month ago was the day I was supposed to take my own life and then I didn’t do it so thanks to my cowardice and poor planning skills. Against my own will I am indeed still alive. Yay?

I am so tired of everything and I started to resent all of my hobbies (for whatever stupid reason). I didn’t want to draw, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to keep cutting and burning my skin for no apparent reason (not exactly a hobby but you get the point). I kept going anyway until I decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore, and instead of putting the effort into making things better I was just gonna get out of here. Yeah, go ahead, point and laugh at me. Literally was too lazy to make my life better even though I knew what the problems were lmfao. AND THEN I put so little effort into my attempt that IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. Guess that’s what happens when you are both dumb and mentally unstable. I’ll admit it. I did just say goodbye again to multiple people + a whole community because I knew that if I did that, I would feel bad about returning, therefore essentially forcing myself to go through with my incredibly well thought out and elaborate plan. And now I feel like an idiot not only for not killing myself and also for saying “omg guys I’m leaving the internet again!!,!,!,” or whatever the fuck I even said that time I honestly don’t remember. Like I know I was in such a bad state mentally that I was about to end it but seriously…? I couldn’t have been just a little smarter about it? Incredibly stupid

and now that I’m still here and too lazy to distract myself with hobbies like drawing or writing (you know, the ones that would make me feel better and more productive), I’m just fighting my compulsive urge to rejoin the tfall server because ocd brain says I must read every single little thing that has ever been said about the funny archer game. God forbid I allow anyone to peacefully discuss the game without me witnessing! To anyone who decided to read this: I’m sure it sounds insincere at this point because I’ve said it so many times but I am genuinely really sorry. I’m sorry that I am so upset all the time and I’m sorry for not keeping promises I make. I really do not know what is happening to me but I feel like I have such little control over my emotions at this point and it’s (obviously) a problem. I feel so helpless and it leads me to constantly try to correct or clarify things in such ways that it only makes it all worse (…y’know, like what I’m doing foolishly right now). Like I said, I’m sure by now that must not mean much, but I sincerely hope that I’ve not been any more disruptive than I think I’ve been.

Ahem… anyway. I’m still trying to stay away from discord because I really do have a problem checking my phone too often when I have potential free towrfall mentions waiting for me to read them and I refuse to let ocd win this one (and it would be embarrassing to come back right after the last thing I said there… I don’t really remember exactly what it was but I know it was embarrassing). It can have everything else but I don’t want to be so distracted by discord anymore. I already (intentionally or not) threw away my easy ticket to the afterlife so I’m going to try to start drawing again sometime but probably will not post anything for a little while longer. But, knowing me, we’ll see how long I’ve got that mindset for.

[jarotopal]

My mental illness deciding to mental illness today on the eve of the Acolyte? Homophobic.

[arolesbianism]

Oh also the sekai april fools stuff is pretty cool. Haruka 👍

[berrymeter]

maybe the answer was to snack while reminiscing on how ridiculously bad anger management advice is online all along

[springboggle]

Starting to think that while autism has ruined my life in subtle ways, I don't think it impacts me enough to truly own the label. Like, I feel like the fact that I'm able to be social, reach out, do things spontaneously, try new genres of music, give new movies a try, I can talk about a lot of different topics without showing straight up disinterest in things I kinda don't care about, I can organize my usual schedule around a friend coming over etc etc it just doesn't feel right to call myself that. If anything I have more in common with the autistic stem weirdos on here that praise the Torment Nexus and navel gaze about if bombing people or global warming is okay or not than the average autistic person.

It's like it's been beaten out of me or something. Wtf

[tchaikovskym]

Oh no I once again looked at fictional characters in love and it undid all the progress I had regarding the "I am an independent person on my own, I don't need a romantic relationship" and now I'm, once again, a "pathetic unlovable adult"

[obsidianmama]

Hated myself a lot in the first year of my daughter's life for rarely cooking and the apartment always being a mess

Tonight I have no spoons left after cleaning up from lunch so I sat L down with my old phone and YouTube kid's songs while I make chicken alfredo out of a freezer bag and I know I'm still a good mom

[thefictionaffair]

y’all ever think it’s ok I’ve grown I’ve moved past this, this cannot hurt me

only for the thing to happen and suddenly your 13 all over again, and because I am not actually 13 it feels worse actually

[yawansomecheekinlad]

Anyways what a shit week to be a lfc pakistani.

You'd think my blood and flesh would understand the pain of Liverpool throwing themselves away to a bunch of trees but nooooooooooooooooooo they have to spit on me too.