#my man literally SET ASIDE the time to be gay what must have been hours before his death

[sylla-headhunter]

this is just the fool from realm of the elderlings and i’m right

yeah i’m doomed by the narrative but i have a little time to be absolutely gay

[whoacanada]

Zimbits - Bartender!Jack + NHL!Bitty AU

Prompt: Retired NHL player Jack Zimmermann takes ownership of a sports bar in Pittsburgh and accidentally falls for the Penguins’ (closeted) new left winger.

A/N - just the start, I’d like to get around to more of this; the basic idea was an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia AU, but I couldn’t manage to make everyone that terrible so Jack owns and operates a gay sports bar and starts crushing on one of his patrons.

“Can’t believe you’ve owned this place since ’89.” Jack coughs, waving the dust away from his face. “Did you ever come back after we moved home?”

It’d be disingenuous to say Jack had been expecting anything other than cigars and whiskey when his father had invited him on a trip down to Pittsburgh to see Mario and glad-hand some Penguins sponsors. In fact, he’d kind of been looking forward to sulking and getting shit-faced, not limping around a condemned building dodging roaches and rats.

“It was an investment opportunity. That was the trend back then, famous athletes buying up restaurants and clubs — I had big plans for this building. Then your mother got pregnant and I realized I didn’t really give two shits about running a nightclub.”

“Realized you were pretty lazy, huh?”

As Bob laughs, Jack picks at the peeling, lacquered bartop, trying not to imagine how many decades of grime he’s just collecting under his nail, the situation made even more disgusting in such close proximity to the glittering gold championship ring his father had insisted he wear to their lunch meeting with the Penguins front-office suits. Jack flicks the gunk away as Bob levels him with a weighty look, hands braced in the air as if outlining a play and not offering a tour of a cobweb-filled dive.

“Here’s my thought,” Bob says. “The bar. It’s yours.”

Jack leans against the counter, taking some weight off his braced leg, and asks, “What’s mine?”

“This place,” Bob gestures around the room. “The whole building. It’s just sitting here, empty, the bar, the liquor license, there’s apartments and office space upstairs, we’d just need to do some renovations and —“

Jack can’t help himself. He barks a laugh and says, “I’m not moving to Pittsburgh.”

“How many times have you and I talked about opening a sports bar? I’d wanted to get this place fixed up so it’d be ready when you retired, but since the final — you could make it a gay bar, even, if you wanted!” Bob says quickly, offering another awkward olive branch. “A gay sports bar. I wouldn’t care.”

“A gay sports bar. In Pittsburgh,” Jack echoes, reaching for a chirp to defend himself, but he closes him mouth as he realizes a sports bar run by a Zimmermann might not be a terrible investment idea. “The building needs a ton of work,” Jack settles. “I just saw a rat.”

“That was a mouse,” Bob dismisses, not bothering to look at the rat still clearly in view. “Nothing that can’t be fixed. Got a dollar?”

Jack pats his pockets, finds a spare looney and hands it over. Bob doesn’t hesitate, pulling an envelope out of his back pocket to exchange for the coin.

“Congratulations. You are now the proud owner of,” Bob looks around helplessly. “I actually don’t know what they call this place now. A Bar?”

“I’m sure we’ll figure something out.” Jack swallows against the tightness in his throat, holding the deed carefully in his hands. “Thanks, Dad.”

Bob brings Jack in for a loose hug and they both ignore the soft squeaking coming from the backroom.

Five Years Later

There’s a man examining the announcement board in the vestibule, and Jack knows that posture: the forward hip cant, thick thighs, a small but definite bubble butt — guy’s a hockey player, and he has been for some time.

“Hey. Hi.”

Blondie spins around at Jack’s address. Not quite startled, but something close enough that Jack feels a twinge of guilt. “You interested in playing in our beer league? You look like you might know your way around a rink.”

The man quickly looks at his chest, as if expecting to find something displayed, but relaxes immediately. Jack fights a grin, he was once old hat at wandering into public spaces decked out in identifiable team merch.

“Bitty.” The man squares up to offer his hand; his accent is warm and distinctly southern, not at all what Jack was expecting. “You can call me Bitty.”

“Oh, with a nickname like that, you have to play, now, no excuses,” Jack gives Bitty’s arm a firm shake, surprised at how complementary his grip is; not just an overcompensating bro who’s walked into the wrong club.

“If only I had the time,” Bitty placates wryly. “Is this place new?”

“Been here a few years, but not long. How about you? Are you ‘new’? In town, I mean.”

“Moved for work,” Bitty’s smile is timid, eyes darting around the room looking for other patrons, up at the memorabilia and the various pennants. “First year. Slowly learning the area.”

Jack doesn’t miss the way Bitty’s eyes linger on the Pride flag draped from the second floor railing, but Bitty doesn’t mention it, and Jack isn’t in the business of prying.

“Let me be the first to welcome you to The Bar.”

“I saw that outside, do you not have a name?”

“We weren’t creative. The owner didn’t realize he was filling in the wrong line on the business license so we are literally called ‘The Bar’.”

“That’s actually pretty solid,” Bitty laughs, the sound lifting Jack’s mood easily. “I’ll have to make sure I come back and patron your establishment at a reasonable hour.”

“What you aren’t interested at getting sloshed before noon?”

Bitty laughs, and Jack is enough of an adult to recognize he’s got a tiny bit of a crush.

______

True to form, Bitty slowly becomes a feature of Jack’s early afternoons. The first few weeks, he does little more than quietly purchase a single domestic beer before tucking himself away in a corner booth, hunched over his phone, ball cap pulled low for discretion. Jack gives him space, and aside from a few curious regulars, Bitty is little more than another closeted young man seeking quiet sanctuary.

That is, until, hockey kicks up and Mario hooks Jack up with season tickets beside the bench. It’d taken time for Jack to get comfortable with being in an arena again, especially without the ability to step onto the ice himself, but he’s acclimated and learned to appreciate his new lot in life. He can be happy for his success and mourn the end of his career with equal measure.

(Doesn’t hurt he still gets asked for autographs on the regular.)

Bittle, the new forward traded out of Columbus, spins to whip the puck between Lundqvist’s thighs and the score is 3-2 with a minute left in the third. Jack stands to cheer with the crowd as Bittle’s pulled into a celly with his line mates, and the new angle gives Jack a good look at the man’s sunny face, complete with a familiar, bright smile and missing canine. Jack’s heart leaps into his throat when he realizes Bittle is ‘Bitty’, and Jack can’t help but cheer louder.

________

After the game, Jack does his homework. Pulls up stats pages and articles on Eric Bittle. Looking to link the quiet hottie from his bar with the energetic man he saw tonight on the ice. If Jack wasn’t in love before, he absolutely is after watching highlights from Bittle’s time in Columbus.

The next time Jack finds Bitty slipping into the bar, probably between practice and a good nap, Jack makes his move; filling a pint glass, wedging an orange slice on the rim, and adjusting his shirt before striding to the corner booth as easily as one can with a titanium femur.

“On the house,” Jack says, setting down the glass gently. “Choice goal, Tuesday. Great bounce.”

Bitty’s grateful smile falters, turning into something guarded.

“What goal?” Bitty asks, voice steady, and Jack’s immediately alerted to his misstep. Jack casts a careful eye around the room and doesn’t find anyone watching, kicking himself for not thinking this through. He’s used to playing this game with guys who aren’t quite comfortable, who might be visiting with the wrong people, but he hasn’t had to do the closeted-pro-athlete dance in a while.

“You know, I must have been mistaken.”

“Happens all the time. Very sweet of you, though.” Bitty apologizes and pushes away the beer, but Jack waves him off. It’s the least Jack can do for calling the guy out.

“I should have known,” Jack tries to recover. “You’ve still got all your chiclets. But, between you and me, Bittle’s a spitfire, eh? Crazy soft hands. I’d like to meet him someday.”

Jack whistles low, rapping his knuckles on the table before turning back to the bar, moving slowly enough he catches the way Bitty’s cheeks flare pink at the compliment.

About thirty minutes later, Jack, half focused on counting down the till, nearly misses Bitty’s exit. He looks up to offer a parting wave, and Bitty returns the gesture, flashing a shy, incomplete smile; one canine missing on the left side.

________

“Anything new to report? Sales look good, think you might be able to take some time off and visit your poor parents?”

Jack slides open a window to let some air into his bedroom, not for the first time wishing he’d taken the chance to tear out a wall and convert a corner of the top floor into a balcony. There’s still time — his father never seems to wary of giving Jack renovation loans — but Jack loves his condo and hates the idea of relocating again, even temporarily.

“New distillery opened, cut a deal on some local gin. We’re working on drink specials, if you have any ideas for names I’m open,” Jack eases onto the windowsill and looks down at the line of people waiting to get into the bar. “And I met someone. Think he might be a hockey player.”

“No shit? Beer-league?”

“NHL.” Jack corrects, an edge of caution in his tone he knows his father won’t misinterpret. “Started coming around a few months ago, gave me a fake name. Went to a game last week, scored right in front of me.”

“Well, you going to tell me who or am I going to have to guess?”

“He’s keeping to himself,” Jack holds the curtain steady to catch sight of a particularly flashy person in a glittering teal gown, texting Holster to snag a photo for the bar’s Instagram. “Don’t go hunting.”

“Well, if he needs any help you let me know.”

“What could you do?”

“I don’t know. Talk to . . . someone. I guess.”

“I’ll keep that under advisement.” Jack placates, smiling at the saucy photo Ransom texts back immediately of Holster lifting their favorite Drag Race runner-up above his head like something out of Dirty Dancing.

“So.”

“Mmm?”

“Does this mean you’ve got a little boyfriend, again?”

Jack leans out over the railing and tries to see if the universe has blessed him with a sighting of his favorite new Left Winger. Sadly, it’s Saturday evening and the Penguins are in Dallas, so no Eric tonight. 

“Working on it.” Jack offers, rapping his knuckles lightly against the window sill and trying not to think about the way Bittle’s face lights up when he sees that Jack is working. “Think I might really have a shot at something.”

“Well, you know what Wayne always says.”

“I do,” Jack breathes, pressing his forehead against the cool glass, taking in his one-of-a-kind view of the city. “I’ll let you know how it goes. Once he gets back.”

“ — You know, I’ve got the game on right now. I bet you $1000 I can tell who you’ve got the hots for. You have a specific type — ”

“Papa.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

“Thank you.”

“But it’s the kid we just got from the Blue Jackets, isn’t it. Bittle? You always like the fast ones — ”

“Goodnight, Papa.”

[shinsoussimp]

hi 💀🤠🤠!! can I request something? may I request a Iida x male reader, where when reader confesses to Iida initially he gets turned down but it’s obvious the speed man likes him (but poor bby Iida is in ✨denial✨) and Uraraka (and maybe deku if he isn’t too pussy ykyk) make this plan to make Iida ‘fall in love’ with yn? (Even though he already is HAHSHD he just doesn’t realize it) sorry it’s a...odd request but it’s been plaguing my mind for forever 🥺 and it’s totally fine if you don’t do my request, no hard feelings !! Love you and YOU CAN USE COLOR IN THE ASKBOX NOW LOOK HAHAHA

a/n: mr mizunetzu i’m sorry it took so long for me to get this out 🥺🥺 i hope you like it!! this is such a fun request :D

Iida in denial

literally everyone knew about your massive crush on iida

and you had already come out as gay, nobody had a problem with it

the only problem was iida was oblivious 

speed man had no clue

you just had lunch with uraraka, todoroki, deku, and iida

ya know, the gang

and uraraka pulled you aside to talk about iida

“you have to tell him at some point! lord knows he’s not gonna figure it out on his own”

after her being on your ass for like the past two weeks you decide to finally do it

you’re gonna confess

-------------------------------------------

after all of your classes finished for the day, you and the rest of 1-a were walking back to the dorms. you decided that this would be the best time to get iida alone.

“iida? can i talk to you?” you ask awkwardly after tapping his shoulder to get his attention.

“uh, sure.” he shrugs, “but make it quick we must have out trash ready for bakugou in half an hour.” you smile and nod as you lead him off to the side of the dorms.

“there’s something i’ve been wanting to tell you... for a while now.”

“what is it?” he tilts his head slightly. you take a deep breath and stuff your hands in your pockets.

“i really like you. like a lot. i just had to get it off my chest.” iida’s face turned bright red and he had a weird feeling in his chest the second those words left your mouth. but he had never felt like this before, he didn’t know what it meant.

“i-i’m sorry, y/n. i don’t feel that way about you..” he felt weird saying that but it was the truth, right? so he patted your shoulder and promptly made his way back to his dorm to clean up a bit. you sat down by the tree behind you and sighed. you figured something like this would happen, being gay did significantly cut down your dating pool, but this one stung. 

you waddled all the way up to ochaco’s dorm, pouting the whole time. you knocked on the door and once she let you in, you flopped down face first onto her bed.

“i’m gonna assume it didn’t go well..” she placed a comforting hand on your back. you shook your head and groaned.

“i thought i had at least a bit of a chance! i mean no straight man cares about organization that much..” deku’s laugh makes you jump, you didn’t even realize he was in the room but there he was, sitting at ochaco’s desk.

“maybe he’s just confused right now.. i mean if i’m being honest it kinda seems like he likes you.” deku says softly trying to comfort you as well.

"whatever i'm gonna go take a nap." you groan as you mope out of the room.

"denial!!" ochaco shouts once the door shuts behind you, causing deku to jump.

"what are you talking about?"

"iida's in denial! he likes y/n it's so obvious, he just doesn't know it yet."

"i knew i wasn't the only one who saw it!" deku cheers as ochaco pulls out a blank pieces of paper, "what are you doing?"

"we.. are going to get y/n and iida together." she smiles devilishly as she pulls the cap off of a pen.

--------------------

ochaco and deku were on their third try to get iida to realize his feelings. they had set up for you and iida to train together but last minute, iida cancelled.

"uraraka.. they say third times a charm, our third try didn't work."

"no! i have one more idea! this one's gonna work, trust me." they decided on a blind date to make iida realize he likes you. deku's job was to get iida to go and ochaco for you. she barged into your dorm and slammed the door behind her.

"Y/N!" she shouts so loud you almost fell off your chair, "you're going on a date tonightt~" you shake your head and put your face in your hands.

"don't you think it's kinda early for something like that? i mean i just got rejected.."

"nothing like a cute stranger to act as your pick me up am i right??" she could tell how upset you really were about this whole thing so she squatted down next to you and put her hand on your shoulder calmingly, "y/n, this guy is a friend of mine and he's super sweet. why not just go have fun and relax? if nothing comes from it at least you get free dinner."

"ughh fine. i'll go.. only for the free food."

--------------------

after showering and getting ready, you decided to do something nice for whoever your date was and go get some flowers. you picked up a nice bouquet and made your way to the  restaurant with ochaco still by your side.

"are you sure he'll like them?" you asked softly.

"they're his favorite color! i know he will." you smiled and asked once again what this guy's name was, and of course ochaco tells you that it's a suprise. once you get to the front door you see deku standing there as well.

"he's here before you so he must be excited!" ochaco cheers.

"he's at the booth by the side window." deku says with a suspicious smile on his face. you say bye to them both as they wish you good luck.

you take a deep breath as you walk inside, and when you get up to the booth deku mentioned you see none other than tenya iida.

"y-y/n!" he stammers with wide eyes.

"iida.." you quickly hide the flowers behind your back as heat creeps up the back of your neck, "what are you doing here?"

"deku said he was setting me up on a blind date. what are you doing here?"

"ochaco set me up on a blind da-" realization hits you and you look down at the floor awkwardly, "y-you uh... you don't have to stay. i'm sorry about all this."

"what's behind your back?" iida asks with a hint of red on his cheeks. you laugh awkwardly and reveal the bouquet of blue flowers.

"i promise i didn't know about this. i know you said you didn't feel the same way but, heh.. deku and ochaco can be very persistent as you know."

"you.. you can sit. if you'd like." you sit down across from him, setting the flowers down on the table. iida takes them and looks closer at them, smiling softly.

"this can be just as friends you know? like i know how you feel so-"

"you picked these out for me?" you laughed awkwardly and explained that ochaco told you his favorite color so you thought they would be nice. but your words fade out when you see how sincere iida looks while looking at you.

"is everything okay?" he takes a deep breath and stands up and bows to you.

"please forgive me. i'm stupid! you're amazing and awesome and great and i shut you down. but i realized i like you too! so, will you give me another chance??" he's literally at a 90 degree angle in front of you trying to win you back, you can't help but laugh.

"iida sit down!" you giggle. instead of sitting down across from you like before, he sat down on your side of the booth, grabbing you hands softly.

"i'm really sorry for the grief i put you through, y/n.. i-i would like to be your boyfriend please!" you smile, looking right into his eyes.

"i would like that too." once he hears this, he can't stop himself from pecking your forehead. he pulls away with wide eyes and a red face.

"i'm sorry i didn't ask if that was okay! was that okay?" he asks softly.

"it was more than okay."

[im-the-punk-who]

 Toby Stephens Thirstography #3 - Die Another Day (2002)

Toby Stephens Hotness: You Might As Well Be Walking On The Sun

Ah, yes. And we’ve come to the catalyst for this entire project.

This movie is an excellent example of our classic paradox, “Must a movie be good? Is it not enough for it to be incredibly aesthetically hot?” Is it not enough to watch Toby Stephens skydiving, being evil, fencing, yelling, and flexing his pecs in a skintight white fencing uniform. Is it not enough to see him cry multiple times. Is it not enough to Witness That Ass. IS IT NOT ENOUGH that he wears the patented Toby Stephens Shark Grin through 80% of his screen time. Must He Among Us Without Sin Be The First To Condemn The Nipples, Sir?

Listen. You can see the rating. This is undoubtedly one of the hottest roles Toby Stephens has ever taken on but ... god, at what cost. Other stuff has better quality, or more nakedness or just more Toby Stephens in general but. For literally four minutes of the entire 2+ hour movie, this got into the top three. That should tell you something, I suppose. Toby Stephens’ shoulders in this movie alone can and have rendered me speechless. It’s really just...the filmmakers must have known that Pierce Brosnan had no chance of measuring up to Halle Berry and Rosamund Pike so they rang Toby up like ‘hey do you want to be the hot one’ because just....Damn.

(I will add as a caveat, this is also the highest budget thing Toby Stephens has ever done, which really only matters because the actual picture quality is good enough to pick up the tiniest detail and therefore enhance hotness. Out of Toby’s entire filmography, this is one of only two entries that I didn’t have to High Pass a majority of the screenshots for visual clarity.)

What is this, a mid 90s band poster?

One upside of Toby being in this was that it gave him the opening to actually voice James Bond in a bunch of radio plays, which I generally enjoyed if only for the ASMR of Toby Stephens talking for two hours.

Plot: 4/10

I find it absolutely hilarious that even among Bond films this is regularly rated the worst of the bunch. That, my friends, takes talent. And in my opinion, it is a well deserved ranking because this movie is t e r r i b l e and not in the good irreverent way. 

The plot I think can generally be summed up as:

Super-Suave-Sexist-Man, James Super-Suave-Sexist-Man, sets out to discover who sold him out to the North Koreans - resulting in him going through a largely plot-irrelevant torture sequence - and why super hottie Gustav Graves is so smoking hot. Oh, wait. Why (super hottie) Gustav Graves is building a space satellite in apparent collaboration with the aforementioned North Koreans. I personally would rather know why he’s so hot but - ya know. Priorities.

Oh, also, conveniently there’s a face-changing laser that can make ANYONE LOOK LIKE ANYTHING! I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with eugenics or racism. 

Watchability: 5/10 and 3 of those points are for Toby Stephens. 2 are for Halle Berry and Rosamund Pike respectively.

Honestly.............even aside from the general unredeemable problems with the script itself I just didn’t find this that entertaining? Granted I’m not any part of the target audience so maybe it’s a spy movie thing. The parts with Toby in them almost make up for the terribleness ... almost. And also Halle Berry. Rosamund Pike is also In This And Smoking. 

But, still. This one two hour movie was actually the most painful thing in Toby’s entire filmography, and that’s saying something because I watched Dark Corners. The only reason to watch this is if you are bisexual and/or gay and/or a lesbian and/or just like gazing at pretty people with the sound off - just literally the only reason to watch this is Toby Stephens and the other various hot people running around getting paid bank for it.

But really, just watch the fencing scene and call it a day.

Warnings: 

Is “It’s a Bond Movie” enough of a warning? Lots of racism and racist tropes and the kind of sexism and awkward male fantasy dialogue you should expect in a Bond film.

Where to Watch:

This changes almost daily. It’s been on Netflix before in various countries, so check your local streaming services. There is also a copy on Dailymotion last time I checked. Please don’t pay for this.

[theshinobiway]

When you have the time and inspiration, will you please write all of Team Gai with the physical touch numbers 6 or 9 (sorry if you've already done them, I haven't seen them) as scenarios (or head canons, up to you ^^)? I really enjoy your writing style btw!

Since I’m trying to push through these requests, I went ahead and did HCs for these since I can crank those out pretty fast. These were fun to do, it’s been a while since I did some fluffy headcanons for these babies! Also foot things feel SO weird to write and I don’t know why? It’s just…feet. I think the internet is to blame.

Also, you are so sweet! Thank you so much for the compliments on my style, I’m so happy you enjoy it! Thanks as always for contributing to the blog!

FAQ // Mobile Masterlist

Team Gai Headcanons – Piggyback Rides & Footsie

Might Gai

Piggyback

Ø  Trying to give this man a piggyback will be simultaneously be the most adorable and the funniest experiences ever.

Ø  Gai will totally let you do it. The only issue is if you can actually pick him up. If you can, he’s like a little kid. He keeps cheering for you to go faster and to push yourself to go longer. He’s so proud of his S/O’s strength and he’s going to make sure the entire village knows about it as he (loudly) demands (encourages) the passers-by to offer you praise as well. Oh Gai, never change.

Ø  Gai will challenge you to carry him around the village for 200 laps. Will you do it? Will you not? Only you know. Be not wary, Gai is your biggest supporter regardless of your limits.

Ø  Remember that challenge to carry Gai around the village? It’s his turn. It’ll happen either after you do yours or when you politely decline.

Ø  Gai carries people as a part of training. It’s his thing. As either his close friend, student, or his S/O, you’re roped into it—whether you like it or begrudgingly accept it. Tenten is on Tuesdays, Rock Lee is on Wednesdays, Neji has his own block in the schedule for being chased down (ahem, Gai considers it scheduled cardio with a potential block of sparring) followed by a scheduled piggyback ride. You personally can decide how much of his time you’ll take up, but you can’t delay the inevitable. Nobody escapes from a Gai piggyback ride.

Ø  As an S/O, Picking you up and carrying you around is Gai’s way of spoiling, protecting, and loving you all at once. Training aside, he wants you to feel that you’re his most precious person and he wants to take the weight from your day, even if it’s just for a little while. If that means something as simple as letting you rest your head on his shoulder while you walk home after a long day, he’ll do it.

Ø  Gai loves giving piggyback rides. He does it whenever, wherever he can. He loves picking you up and carrying you around for two reasons: One, it’s great training. Two—Gai is naturally so affectionate that he’ll spoil you with any kind of physical contact. There’s a variation where he’ll walk around on his hands and carry you on his feet, but he does that mostly when he wants you to feel “on top of the world.”

Ø  You should definitely tell him you do. And then tell him it’s because Gai is your whole world. He’ll have to stop and embrace you because he’s bawling tears of joy and love.

Ø  Gai’s muscles are unreal. It doesn’t matter if you’re not his S/O and you wind up (accidentally) death-gripping his solid biceps while attempting to hold on for dear life as he races through the village with you on his back. Gai will burst out laughing at your shocked expression and go on about the power of youthful living and how it keeps him in shape.

Ø  If you decide to ever have children, you can bet he’ll be carrying them all around the village on crazy adventures. If you have multiple children, Gai’s carrying them all at once and zooming around the village, and the kids are having the time of their lives. (If you follow the epilogue, you can bet Metal’s in the bunch too and Gai has them all on his wheelchair while he zooms around the village like a little wheelchair-bound racecar.)

Footsie

Ø  Say goodbye to leg presses, hello to Might Gai footsie leg presses where you’ll be using your feet in a battle of the fittest.

Ø  What, did you think Gai wouldn’t turn this into training? You fool. ANYTHING IS TRAINING.

Ø  If there were ever a time where Gai would need to chill out, it would be when it comes to footsie. He’ll try really, really hard to not start exercising, but that will be training exercise in and of itself. You’’ll see him straining in the most comical way and proclaiming loudly that he must “cement his will and train his impulses!” Gai’s sweating, his fists clenched, and grunting while you try to prod his feet with yours. He’s sitting still and playing footsie just fine, but the compulsion is just too strong.

Ø  Once you’re done, he’s bound to explode with energy. Gai will have you sit on his calves while he does leg raises. It’s honestly impressive how effortlessly he can do them for the first twenty sets.

Ø  He’ll let you play a little bit of footsie under the table, but that can turn into Gai raising you up with his feet real quick. And the table, and your chair.

Ø  The only real time you’ll be able to accomplish this feat is if you’re lying on bed together and Gai is falling asleep. He’ll relax just enough to play a little bit of footsie while he’s dozing off, but you get maybe 10 minutes tops before he’s KO’d

Ø  Gai is actually really sweet when he’s tried enough to play footsie. He has a habit of doing little caressing motions with his hands when he’s falling asleep with you and that can extend to the rest of his body. He likes to know you’re there and show his appreciation for you in little ways.

Ø  You could try to caress his thigh with your leg, but that means you’re locked in for a few hours of special Might Guy training. What’s the special training you ask? Well, you brazen pervert, if you must know…

Ø  It’s time for thigh presses. Saddle up and get to work, you’ve got 500 ahead of you.

Ø  RIP your legs.

Rock Lee

Piggyback

Ø  Lee is…not sure how to process that you want to give him a piggyback ride? He prefers to be giver rather than receiver (in more ways than one, wink wonk!) He’ll do it in earnest and he’ll have fun with you, but given the opportunity he prefers to have you on his back.

Ø  Gai is really the only person he’ll hop on (literally) for a piggyback ride, but that’s because they both do it as a part of training. If that’s what you’re aiming for, then by all means! Lee is always willing to do anything he can to help someone improve themselves!

Ø  But, of course, you’ll be propositioned for a ride if you’re around while he’s training [and Gai is carrying Kakashi around, or whoever was on his schedule that day.] Even if you have reservations, it’s so hard to say no to that face. Lee doesn’t mean to be pushy, but it might come off that way if you’re the shy type. Still, he does it in such an eager and non-confrontational way so you can turn him down if you need to. He won’t take it too hard.

Ø  As for giving piggyback rides, Lee may not have the solid steel that Gai does, but his muscles are firm. The spandex makes it pretty easy to tell, even without being in close physical contact. If you compliment his physique, Lee will burst out blushing and stuttering and is oh-so-flattered and flustered. He isn’t used to getting compliments.

Ø  If you fall asleep on his back while he’s carrying you around for any reason, he’ll die of happiness. Especially if you’re his longtime crush—He’ll resolve to keep walking around until you wake up, not wanting to disturb you. Hey, it means more time with you and the chance to stay close like this for just a little longer. Oh, and training. He’ll say it was good training, but Lee really can’t keep a secret—neither can the giant blush on his face.

Ø  If you’re romantically involved, Lee will never turn down an opportunity to carry you around. He’s such a romantic at heart and he loves the feeling of your arms wrapped around him and your heartbeat against his back. Lee really does give his all for his spouse, and he’s so gentle with them.

Ø  You should definitely lean forward and give him occasional cheek kisses while he carries you around. It never fails to make Lee blush and laugh. It’s the kind of laugh that comes from the heart, it’s warm and genuine and always makes you smile—just like him.

Footsie

Ø  Chances are you’re Lee’s first S/O and Lee is always willing to try any sort of loving gesture. If you initiate it, he’s fully on board from the get-go.

Ø  Oh, and he latches on pretty quick. If you end up doing this once, be prepared. Every time you sit across from one another from then on your feet will immediately tangle together under the table. It’s like holding hands. Lee loves physical contact and seeks it out every chance he gets.

Ø  At home, Lee loves cuddling with you in any way possible. Tangled limbs and sweet kisses are a constant with him. While cuddling, he’ll gently rub his feet against yours while his hands caress your hair and back, pressing gentle kisses to your forehead, cheek, nose, anywhere in reach.

Ø  Even if you’re simply eating dinner at home, he’ll nudge you with his foot and tell you just how much he loves dinner and appreciates how you took the time to make it, and of course he knows your cooking is the best. You’ll get a little bit of footsie under the table while he gives you a big grin and rests his head on his hand, admiring you with that little sparkle in his eye.

Ø  If you’re sitting across from one another, Lee loves it when you swing your feet and he can catch them with his. He makes cute little kung-fu sound effects when he catches it because he knows it makes you smile and laugh.

Ø  If you try to catch his feet with yours and demand that he’s “captured,” he’s right on board to play along with it. He’ll go over the top with his acting too. “Uwoooaaah! I’m caught, I’m caught! You’re too strong for me! Please (y/n), have mercy! I’ll do anything! Let me bargain for my freedom! I’ll give you all the massages and kisses you want! I’ll even do the dishes!”

Ø  (Lee would/already does do that anyway, just so we’re clear.)

Ø  Lee will always go out of his way to make sure he’s gentle with you and doesn’t hurt you, especially with his leg weights off. He has such a great management of his own strength and knows that if he’s reckless the strength in his feet could spell out an unwilling injury.

Ø  Once or twice you got a chance to (carefully) stand on his feet and he put his arms around you. He stepped side to side, dancing and humming a made-up tune while he spun you around, balancing you on his feet. Resting his chin on your head, Lee makes sure that this is one memory he’ll never forget.

Tenten

Piggyback

Ø  Tenten is down to both give and receive piggyback rides. Tbh let her give you one at least once, you know she’s absolutely ripped and seeing her flex while she picks things up with little to no effort (especially you) should be considered its own sexuality.

Ø  Tenten will pick you up for fun if you’re joking around and feel free to openly swoooon at buff girl Tenten’s lovely biceps. It’s a huge confidence boost for her, and it’s so nice to have someone that doesn’t play the “but you’re a girl!/strong for a girl!” card when she displays her impressive physical strength. Well duh she’s strong, she’s a taijutsu specialist. It’s nice to be appreciated, though.

Ø  If she’s older she’s developed far more Gai/Lee traits. She was probably roped into the team Gai special “piggyback training” at least once and you were the only poor blessed soul around to receive a ride from this goddess. You may not be going as fast as the other two, but for some reason you feel far more assured in your safety.

Ø  Unless it’s out of necessity, Tenten won’t really initiate physical contact—although she isn’t contact avoidant like Neji. But she’ll be the first to volunteer to carry an injured teammate and likewise won’t be too upset if you need to carry her. She’ll apologize profusely for giving you trouble if it’s the latter and she could use some reassurance. If you tell her that you know she’d do the same for you, she’ll feel much better.

Ø  Carrying her crush around is something she never thought would happen; Tenten thought she would never have a crush. You’re different. As she feels you close to her back, the unbelievable happens—her face gets hot. She feels her heart pounding more than normal—can you feel it, too? She doesn’t…want to put you down? This is so nice. And when you both are having a casual conversation, the nervousness subsides. This is comfortable. This feels natural. She wants this. She really, really wants to have something like this. She wants this with you.

Ø  If you carry her around, she has time to sit there and think about what you mean to her. She doesn’t get this way around anyone. It’s not all heart-pounding and blushing and nervousness when she finally likes someone. That was never what she wanted anyway; it was about the ease, the comfort, the way you just “fall together.” She grips you a little tighter and buries her face in your shoulder, unabashedly memorizing your scent. It’s not as simple as a crush to her. To her, you feel like home.

Ø  As an S/O, Tenten loves to snuggle up to your back when you’re carrying her home. When you’re walking home in the setting sun she loves you all over again. You respect and love her for being strong and you show her in so many ways that you cherish her. It’s so nice to have someone as openly affectionate as you.

Ø  Alternatively, if she’s carrying you around and you snuggle up, she might just melt at the thought. She’s already decided that you’re going to cuddle a lot more when you get home.

Footsie

Ø  As Tenten gets older she becomes openly playful like her green-clad teammates, this kind of lighthearted affection is right up her alley.

Ø  Tenten is prepared—she’s probably the only member of her team who is. She catches on right away, shooting you the cheesiest grin from across the table. She immediately attacks pushes back, locking your foot between her ankles as your eyes meet. Suddenly, there’s a dangerous glint in her eyes and you can’t tell if that smile was meant to be intimidating or suggestive.

Ø  Both. It’s definitely both.

Ø  Oh no, OH NO she took it as a challenge. You’ve initated war. Calm down Tenten, it’s just a leg.

Ø  Once she latches on, she playfully tugs at you—not so gently—almost pulling you under the table until you admit defeat (to her made-up war.) And how can you not? She’s so gosh darn cute when she’s about to floor you using her legs. Those thick thighs save end lives.

Ø  Okay, so now she’s being sweet. She’s gentle enough to play footsie without too much thought, but if you try to tickle her feet be prepared to forfeit your life.

Ø  She’ll probably initiate it more often than you unless you really have a habit of it because Tenten isn’t shy with physical affection when she really gets invested in a relationship. It’s nice because this is something she can do almost anytime or anywhere and she doesn’t have to worry about “appropriate” affection in public when your feet are conveniently hidden under the table and out of sight.

Ø  It happens the most often when she’s falling asleep. Tenten overheats easily and doesn’t like to cuddle during sleepytime, but she still likes to feel your presence near her. She’ll gladly lock her feet with yours to have the minimal (but still meaningful) affection while she dozes off.

Ø  When you try to caress the side of her thigh in public or private, she isn’t even perturbed. Tenten rests her head on her hand, tilting her head in coy suggestion with a mischievous grin spreading across her lips. She immediately takes it a step further and reciprocates, making sure your face turns red enough for her liking. One devious look from those half-lidded eyes and you’ll be begging the waiter for the check.

Neji Hyuga

Piggyback

Ø  Rock Lee is the only man alive to ever have given Neji a piggyback (by force.) He won’t even entertain the thought of being carried, it’s just his way. The only way you can carry him is if he’s knocked out, otherwise just spare his dignity.

Ø  Neji will platonically give piggyback rides to injured teammates, but don’t try to jump on his back. The kind of unwarranted grabby-ness that academy/genin Ino and Sakura pulled with Sasuke would never fly with Neji. In fact, you’ll be the one sent flying if you get handsy without his permission.

Ø  So, say you just injured your leg and need to get to the clinic from the training field and he doesn’t have feelings for you. Not a problem, he’ll either have your arm over his shoulder or carry you if need be. He did it for Lee when Lee’s leg was injured, so it’s not an issue.

Ø  Now if you’re his crush things get interesting: don’t let his cool confidence fool you. Neji has no idea how to handle physical affection (at first) and gets put out of his comfort zone immediately. Being outside of his comfort zone is a big no-no for Neji. If he has a crush on you then he’ll do the most counterintuitive thing: he’ll try to get anyone else possible to take you, claiming earnestly that he needs to “continue training and doesn’t have the time.” He has a reputation, after all, and being nervous is certainly not a part of it.

Ø  Given that his style of fighting is the “Gentle Fist” and he doesn’t seem to be a “hard” Taijutsu specialist like Rock Lee or Gai, you might not expect Neji to have the same sort of effortless physical strength when picking you up—but he does. You can just barely make out the firm muscle in his arms and abdomen when you cling on to him. Yeah, feel free to swoon a little right now—he’s too distracted by the sudden warmth of your body to notice.

Ø  He’ll be quieter than normal—is that possible?—when carrying you to your destination, but you can feel a small tremble in his hands. It stands out because his other movements are smooth and disciplined. He’s trying to act as natural as possible and focus on where he’s going. He keeps his eyes locked forward, pretending not to notice the way your arms are around him or the fact that your head is -almost- resting on his shoulder.

Ø  The rest of the walk passes without incident unless you make a move yourself. Say something sweet to him coupled with a reassuring squeeze and you’ll never hear such a stuttering, flustered response in your life. Somewhere it ends with “stop saying such direct things..” but he really doesn’t want you to. It only happens for a moment, but the point was made—you made his heart skip a few beats.

Ø  If Neji can tell you want him there then he’ll be carrying you home, too. You don’t even need to ask. “I’m here already and it isn’t safe with your injury…Don’t worry about it. I’ll take you home.”

Ø  As an S/O, piggybacks aren’t really a regular thing with Neji. He prefers to hold your hand. If you end up having kids, though, he’ll love carrying them around the same way his father did with him when he was young.

Footsie

Ø  Neji has had very little exposure to physical affection in the past and had never paid much attention to couples around him. Little things like this go way over his head. He probably thinks you’re trying to kick him or stomp on his foot.

Ø  Neji scrunches his face up in this adorable little way when you try to play footsie with him under the table. He probably thinks that it was an accident, so if you keep trying he’ll move his feet, thinking you need more room. (Or that you’re being rude, but he’ll shoot you a look and bite his tongue for now.)

Ø  If he sees your pouting face after he moves his feet, he’ll take his time to process what in the world you’re up to. This boy has no idea what you want. Attention? You want attention? Either suck it up and tell him or resolve to live a footsie-less life.

Ø  Neji’s face is completely blank as you try to explain the concept to him. Internally he’s gauging how invested you are in this, because you’re about to put him way out of his comfort zone if he acquiesces. It’ll take a few moments for him to respond, during which you get an uncomfortable silence followed by a subtle ‘hm.’

Ø  Once you get over the initial blank stare, Neji will cautiously move his foot back towards yours and gently nudge. He has no idea what he’s doing and he feels silly. If you can subtly ease him into it he’ll relent and try to relax. Oh, it’s just like holding hands but…feet. He’s not sure if he likes it.

Ø  He’ll seem like he’s pouting about it, but the observant will notice the small, quiet look of adoration from the corner of his eye. Alright, he’ll let the cuteness ensue this time. He can appreciate that this would possibly be a way to show affection in public away from prying eyes. He has a much stronger preference for holding hands, but this will do. Especially if he knows you like it.

Ø  Once he can tell you’re satisfied (and you’re pretty cute about the whole thing, but he’ll keep that to himself) he’ll go back to what he was doing, letting this continue for a while…or at least until his leg gets tired.

Ø  If you decide to use your foot to say, stroke his leg, then the reaction will entirely depend on if you’re in public. Of course, Neji isn’t one at all for PDA—and he expects you to know that. He’ll immediately sputter and choke on whatever he’s drinking and stare at you wide-eyed. You can tease him a little to enjoy his flustered reaction, but that look means you had better watch it. Also, good luck getting him to ever play footsie in public ever again. You lost your privileges.

[swiftlythebest]

Hey! Can you do something with this for Levi and Nico? Can you throw in a Link? 😉 “you work in the ER and it’s like 2 in the morning but i sleepwalk and i fell down the stairs and broke my leg, why're laughing i’m literally crying in pain”

Okay. It’s been a bit. Once again, I have no excuse. But I love this prompt, and I hope I did it justice. I kind of wish I had put in more Link, but it went in its own direction. It took me a second to find my rhythm again since I’m a bit rusty with these guys. Hopefully, they felt in character. Also, timeline, what timeline? It’s a bit long, so I put some under a cut. I hope you enjoy!

Levi Schmitt could not believe he was in this situation. It was 2 in the morning and his mom was currently driving him to Grey + Sloan Memorial Hospital because he had fallen and broken his leg. He knew he had broken his leg because he was a medical student, who was hoping to get an internship at the very hospital at which he was about to be admitted.

He hobbled through the door of the ER, his mother in tow. “Mom, you really don’t have to stay. I can just call when I’m ready to be picked up. It may be a while.”

Myrna Schmitt was the ultimate worrier and staunchly refused to leave but did concede to stay in the waiting area. Levi was already a complete disaster, he didn’t need his mother breathing over his shoulder as well. All Levi could hope for at this point was that no attractive man happened to stumble upon him in this state because he was enough of a newly out gay disaster without throwing in the embarrassing injury.

Levi got settled into his bed, watching as the nurse hooked him up to the machines, trying desperately to avoid eye contact. Hopefully, this nurse would one day be his colleague, and he did not need her to commit any part of him to memory.

“Okay, Mr. Schmitt. You’re lucky; it’s been a slow night for orthopedic injuries, so you will get our head of ortho and his fellow taking care of you,” She said this with a level of excitement that Levi could not share. Well, it looks like he’ll be avoiding ortho as much as possible during his time at Grey + Sloan.

“Great.”

“And here they are!”

Levi turned towards the direction the nurse indicated, immediately gaping as the two most attractive men he’d ever seen made their way towards him, seemingly in slow motion. One was tall and blonde, giving off a definite surfer vibe. But the other one… Now he was truly a sight to behold. Tall, dark, and handsome didn’t feel like a strong enough descriptor, but Levi’s brain was short-circuiting, making it hard to think much beyond “HOT!”

Of course, these men were his doctors. He had to quickly think of a lie so they wouldn’t know the true nature of his injury. Sports? Did people do sports at this time of the morning? Maybe he got into a fight and was so macho and cool and totally took the other guy down, leaving with only a broken leg. Nope, no would believe that short and average Levi was winning any fights. He was screwed.

“Hello there, Mr. Schmitt. I’m Dr. Lincoln, but feel free to call me Link,” The surfer doctor shook his hand, before moving aside for the other doctor.

“I’m Dr. Kim, Link’s fellow.” Levi shivered slightly at the deep timbre of his voice, instantly charmed. As they shook hands, he felt tingles run up and down his arm. This was not good. Or maybe it was really good? 

“Um, call me Levi,” He whispered, unable to fully find his voice in the presence of Dr. Kim.

“Okay, Levi. Can you tell us what happened?” Link asked as Dr. Kim inspected his leg.

“The real story or the cooler story I’m still trying to formulate in my mind?” Dr. Kim huffed out a surprised laugh, causing Levi to break out into a dopey grin. Get a super attractive guy to laugh? Check!

“As much as I’d love to hear what you came up with, the real story will help us more.” Link had a sly smile in place, clearly enjoying the slight tension developing between Levi and his fellow.

“Um, okay. Just… okay. I… sleepwalk? Sometimes. It’s not a big thing. But… I do it. And my room is in the basement. So I guess I tried to get up the stairs, probably to steal some chocolate from my mom’s secret stash. I do that when I sleepwalk, apparently. But I fell. From one of the top steps and… here we are.” As he retold the story, Levi fully remembered the pain he was in, and his eyes began to water, both at the pain and the memory.

When Levi looked at his leg, he noticed that Dr. Kim was shaking. His head was hung low, but his shoulders were shaking. He had stopped his inspection of Levi’s leg and was standing at the foot of the bed, shaking.

“Nico, you okay, buddy?” Link placed a hand on Dr. Kim - Nico’s - shaking shoulder.

When Nico looked up, he had tears in his eyes and was hiccuping with laughter, face lit up in mirth. He met Levi’s eyes, his face bright red as he tried to steady himself and calm down.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I just - “ 

“You’re laughing at my pain! You’re standing there, just laughing at my pain!” Levi couldn’t be too mad, because he realized that, to an outside observer, his story was probably hilarious.

“No! No, not at your pain, I promise! You’re just… that’s such a wonderfully adorable story. Genuinely, ridiculously endearing. And I’m at hour 23 of a 36-hour shift so I’m a bit punchy. I’m sorry,” Nico had calmed down and was staring at Levi with such sincerity, he almost had to look away.

“Should I leave you two alone?” Link was full-on smirking.

“Let’s treat him first. Then, we’ll see.” Nico turned to Levi and winked. Full-on, honest to God, winked! Levi wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Or maybe jump Nico’s bones right then and there. It was a toss-up.

Levi tried to keep his cool, but he’s sure he said some nonsensical things about Nico being “a pretty, pretty macho man,” or something to that effect, while under the influence of the laughing gas. He knew he shamelessly gazed at Nico as his cast was applied, giving him his best attempt at bedroom eyes. In actuality, he probably looked insane, but Nico’s blush indicated that it must have been working for him.

Once everything was all set, Nico insisted on wheeling Levi out, going so far as to wrench the handles of the wheelchair from the nurse’s hands. They walked out in silence, with Nico standing off to the side as Levi filled out the discharge paperwork.

“Okay, Mr. Schmitt. You will have a follow-up with Dr. Lincoln in a couple weeks, but until then, you’re all set!” Levi nodded and gave his thanks to the nurse, wheeling himself around to face Nico.

“Um, so, I’m done. You can… leave, I guess.” Levi had to crane his neck up to meet Nico’s eyes, the height difference even more pronounced with the wheelchair.

“You’re no longer my patient,” Nico gave a small smile that caused Levi’s heart to beat double-time.

“Uh, yup,” Levi nodded his affirmation, unable to focus on much more than Nico’s perfection.

“You know, I couldn’t ask you out while you were my patient. But now that you’re not…” Nico smirked as Levi sputtered, floundering for something to say in response. He settled for some strange, inhuman noise.

Nico laughed, no malice in the sound, only pure happiness, evidently charmed by Levi’s intense awkwardness. He grabbed a Sharpie off the check-out desk and signed Levi’s cast, adding a little heart next to his name. Levi blushed fiercely.

“I know a great restaurant downtown that’s pretty spacious, so you’d be able to get around easily with your crutches. I’d love to take you on a walk afterward, but we can save that for another time. Are you interested?” Nico’s confident exterior crumbled slightly, his nerves coming to the surface.

“Of course! Yes. I’d love to. Yes.” Nico beamed, handing Levi his phone to enter his number.

As he was handing the phone back, Myrna rushed over, “Levi! How are you? Oh, look at you in your cast. Let’s go, we need to get you home!” She wheeled him off, not sparing a glance to Nico. Levi turned and gave Nico an awkward wave, which he returned, albeit with much more finesse. Maybe something good did come from his unconscious clumsiness.

His phone buzzed. 

Hi, handsome. ;)

Yup, something good was definitely beginning.

[ohayohimawari]

The Genin Gaffe

Remember the Kakashi look-alike, Kumade Toriichi? Maybe you don’t, but I do, and he hasn’t been far from my imagination:

I discovered this unknown Konoha Dork last February and wrote a drabble about him titled, The Copy Ninja.

I decided it was time to continue the Kumade and Kakashi Saga with a new piece of pure crack fanfiction.

I offer no excuse nor apology for this ridiculous drabble. I've spent most of my life surrounded by boys in my immediate and extended family, so, it was inevitable that fart humor would make its way into my fanfiction.

Gen, Rated: G

Hiruzen Sarutobi assigned a mission to Kumade Toriichi erroneously, and he enlists Minato's help to cover his mistake before there are long-lasting consequences to Kakashi Hatake's reputation.

Read on AO3

The Genin Gaffe

“You have a mission for me, Lord Third?” Minato Namikaze raised his head to regard the leader of the Hidden Leaf from where he knelt in the Hokage’s office.

“Yes,” Hiruzen Sarutobi exhaled the word absentmindedly within a cloud of pipe smoke without looking up from the scroll he was reading.

Minato maintained his reverent position and waited patiently as Lord Third finished scanning the message. Hiruzen signaled his completion of the letter with a thoughtful hum before he rolled the scroll up again and set it aside on his desk. The slight creases around his eyes became more pronounced when he issued a small, but warm smile to Konoha’s Yellow Flash.

“Minato,” he said the jōnin’s name softly and slowly. “Do you know Kakashi Hatake?”

“I’ve heard of him, certainly,” Minato said as he stood up. “He’s the son of the White Fang, correct? Other shinobi in the village have called him a prodigy, having graduated to genin after only one year at Konoha’s Ninja Academy.”

“Hmm,” Lord Third confirmed Minato’s information with a nod. “Kakashi has displayed exceptional skill and intelligence for one so young. However, I’ve been unable to find a permanent place for him on a team, even though he was quite popular among his classmates.” Hiruzen tapped the ashes out of his pipe into a glass dish before setting it down.

Minato paused for a moment to consider his response. “I have also heard that Hatake is difficult to work with,” he admitted. “Kakashi’s rigid adherence to the Shinobi Rules and determination to successfully complete missions regardless of the cost to his teammates has prevented others from wanting to join up with him.” Minato’s bright blue eyes met Hiruzen’s fixed gaze. “I assumed his behavior was a result of the circumstances surrounding Sakumo’s death. I can imagine the passing of his father has cast a long shadow onto Kakashi’s life.”

“Yes,” Lord Third emphatically agreed. “And it’s only one of the many problems his son is left to resolve on his own.”

“Oh?” Minato’s curiosity and furrowed brow displayed his genuine concern for Kakashi.

The younger man’s reaction was precisely what Hiruzen had hoped for, and he lowered his voice to emphasize that his next words were to be held in the strictest confidence. “As I said, Kakashi was popular among his classmates. Another student, Kumade Toriichi, seems to have modeled himself after Kakashi; though he hasn’t been successful at emulating him.” Lord Third ran a hand down his tired face.

“Kumade?” Minato cast a quizzical look to his Hokage.

“Toriichi,” Hiruzen repeated. “He struggled at school, and because Kakashi excelled in nearly every way, Kumade began to mimic him; in appearance especially.”

Lord Third pinched the front of his official headgear between two fingers and brought the hat down to hide his expression. “It has led me to assign a mission to Kumade erroneously. I’m afraid this has made things even more difficult for Kakashi.”

Minato’s blue eyes widened in shock that Konoha’s leader had made such a mistake, but he was quick to wipe the evidence of his surprise from his face. “The two must bear a striking resemblance, Lord Third.”

“Indeed,” Hiruzen lifted his hat a little, revealing the embarrassed flush that remained on his cheeks. “But that’s not the worst of it. It seems that Kumade has digestive issues.”

“Why would that matter?” Minato puzzled.

“Flatulence compromises even the best shinobi, Minato. Kumade is about as stealthy as Maito’s son. However, whereas Gai will learn the necessary skills to hide himself completely, Toriichi’s condition will plague him throughout his shinobi career. He may never rank higher than chūnin because of it unless perhaps, he can learn to harness it to his advantage.” Hiruzen removed his Hokage’s headpiece and ran one hand through his thinning hair.

Minato silently reassessed his dream to become Hokage, when introduced to a challenge he’d never considered. Outwardly he asked, “What does this have to do with Kakashi?”

“Kumade took advantage of the opportunity that my mistake granted him. He wants to be just like Kakashi, so he pretended to be Kakashi instead of correcting me. His hair looked a little different, but I thought Kakashi had cut it because of the hot summer it’s been.” Hiruzen shook his head. “That doesn’t excuse my mistake and doesn’t change what followed.”

Minato waited in expectant silence as Lord Third cleared his throat and continued. “It was a surveillance mission. They were supposed to shadow a group of traveling merchants that had roused suspicion during their visit to Konoha. From the little intel the team gathered, these merchants may very well have been spies from Iwa.”

Hiruzen sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. “I assigned Shikaku Nara to lead this team, and according to his report, they managed to follow the others for several hours undetected until Kumade literally blew their cover.”

Minato’s mouth fell open, and he attempted to recover as quickly as possible, asking the first serious question that came to mind. “Wh-what made Shikaku suggest they were Iwa nin?”

“The targets encased themselves within an air-tight mud dome, which is an impenetrable protective jutsu that Iwa nin are known to employ. It’s their toughest defense, so it must have been awful. Unfortunately, the mishap incapacitated Shikaku’s team as well, and by the time they recovered, the so-called merchants had escaped underground without a trace.” Hiruzen leaned forward, propping himself up by his elbows on his desk as a grim expression overtook his face.

“My mission then is to try to confirm the identity of the escaped targets?” Minato wasn’t distracted by the odd details of Shikaku’s failed mission and quickly cut to the seriousness of the situation.

“No, I have a different mission for you. One that will remain off the books, and which may test even your patience, Minato.”

Minato respected the secrecy of this upcoming mission and stood silent, waiting for the details of his assignment.

“Word of this episode has spread throughout the shinobi of this village, as one would expect of gossip,” Hiruzen began to explain the sensitive situation to the Yellow Flash. “As you know, Kakashi’s cold demeanor hasn’t endeared him to his comrades. I have received several scrolls from Konoha ninjas respectfully requesting never to be assigned to work with the, uh, Gassy Genin, as they now refer to him.” Lord Third lifted the scroll off of his desk and offered it to Minato.

Minato accepted the scroll and was astonished by what he read. He inhaled sharply, “Does Kakashi know about this?”

“Not yet. I sent him to Suna to deliver a message to the Kazekage. Partly to report the suspicions of Iwa and partly to get Kakashi out of Konoha for a bit. I hoped that this whole mess would be forgotten, but it’s only grown worse. I expect young Hatake to return tomorrow morning.” Hiruzen sighed and looked up at Minato again. “Kakashi has enough problems without the foolish mistake of an old man adding to them.”

“How can I help?” Minato returned the scroll to the Hokage’s desk.

“Team up with both Kakashi and Kumade tomorrow. Round up lost cats, help the elderly carry their groceries, or assist civilians with chores—whatever you can come up with to keep those two boys together and most importantly, seen together. It’ll be easier to explain the mistaken identity that way and hopefully clear the air.”

Minato couldn’t help himself from chuckling at Hiruzen’s choice of words, and Lord Third soon followed him. “Please do this for me Minato. You’ll be compensated out of my pocket for a B-rank mission, because this may be just as difficult. Kakashi detests Kumade, and after seeing how far Kumade will go to mimic Kakashi, I can’t say that I blame him.”

Minato offered a half smile and a nod as acceptance of his mission, before bowing then turning to exit the Hokage’s office.

“Oh, and Minato, if it’s this hot tomorrow, take the boys for ice cream. It might help us determine if Kumade is simply lactose intolerant, which is easy enough to remedy. And should he drop offense where he goes, that’ll be all the proof we need to show the others that they too have mistaken this copycat ninja for Kakashi.”

The End

[petrichoravellichor]

The Long Haul

^Gorgeous art is a commission from the talented @holydean.

(Written mid-Season 14; canon divergent in that Michael and the Empty are both no longer threats.)

Rating: M

Tags: Destiel, denial of feelings, angst with a happy ending, first kiss

******

Dean couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this exhausted. What had initially seemed like a routine salt-and-burn just south of Wichita had quickly devolved into a case involving a set of cursed sex toys and no less than five very pissed off ghosts who’d apparently never quite gotten over their commune catching fire during an orgy back in the ��70s. He and Cas had managed it, but only barely.

As soon as the final spirit vanished with a burst of flame and several outdated--and, Dean couldn’t help but feel, pretty damn hypocritical, all things considered--slurs, Dean slumped against the nearest tree, closing his eyes and wincing slightly at what felt like at least one bruised rib. 

So much for hippies being all about peace and love and all that crap...

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind than Dean felt a familiar, feather-light touch against his temple. The pain in his abdomen faded, replaced by a warm, tingling sensation, and Dean opened his eyes just in time to see Cas’s gaze return from burning ice to its normal shade of blue.

“Are you all right?” Cas asked quietly, withdrawing his hand, and Dean nodded.

“Yeah, ’m good, thanks. Man, talk about one for the books. Can’t wait to fill Sammy in on what he and Jack missed.”

Cas quirked a small smile. “Yes, I’m sure Sam will deeply regret not having been here for--what was the term you used? Oh, right: this ‘literal clusterfuck of a case.’ As for Jack, I’ll admit to more than a little relief that we don’t have to explain the particulars of, ah, group love. Truth be told,” admitted Cas with a thoughtful tilt of his head, “I’m not sure I fully understand all of the mechanics myself.”

Dean smirked. “Yeah, well, don’t worry, buddy; it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Three can be fun, but any more than that’s just too much damn work.” 

That earned him a shocked stare that quickly softened into one of amusement when Cas caught the glint in Dean’s eyes. “You’re joking.”

Dean chuckled, pushing off the tree and clapping Cas on the shoulder as he brushed past. “Not about three bein' fun, but yeah, never done anything beyond that. So, you ready to head back? Should be able to make it home before dawn if we get goin’ now.”

“Dean, you’re exhausted. We should go back to the motel and leave in the morning, after you’ve rested.”

“Nah, place had crappy beds, and I miss my damn memory foam. Besides,” he added with a shrug as they approached Baby, “ain’t like I’ve never driven tired before.”

It was true. From the time he’d first learned to drive--which had admittedly been well before he was legally old enough to drive--Dean had grown accustomed to long hauls on the open road. Often it had been because his dad had been hurt after a hunt gone awry; on other, rarer occasions such as his parents’ wedding anniversary, it was because John was drunk, and Dean sure as hell wasn’t going to let him drive with Sam in the car. Even in later years, when it had just been the two brothers, Dean had continued his habit of refusing Sam’s offers to drive when they were both obviously tired, usually by bitching about his younger brother’s probable choice of music until Sam would roll his eyes and shuffle toward the passenger side in defeat. Secretly, Dean didn’t give a damn what Sam played on the radio, but he always smiled when Sam, almost inevitably, ended up snoring softly against the passenger door. Some things, Dean knew, you just endured for the sake of the people you cared about.

Dean was reaching for the driver-side door when his fingers were abruptly blocked by Cas’s hand covering the handle. Letting out a huff of annoyance, he turned to ask Cas what the hell only to find a look of equal if not greater stubbornness on the angel’s face. “And it isn’t like I’m not an angel of the Lord who doesn’t need to rest. You haven’t slept properly in days, and that fight took more out of you than you’re willing to admit. So, either you hand me the keys, or I’ll put you to sleep and retrieve them myself.”

If it had been anyone else, Dean would have continued to argue, but as he met Cas’s determined glare, he felt a long-familiar flush that he knew had nothing to do with anger creeping up the back of his neck. 

Son of a bitch, not again...

“Fine,” Dean grumbled, shoving the keys into Cas’s free hand before the angel could discern things in his expression that Dean would strongly prefer to leave unsaid. He stalked around to the passenger side, mentally kicking himself with words like Cas and off limits and freaking angel, for fuck’s sake. Dean had long since come to accept, albeit grudgingly, that he might not be as straight as he’d once thought, but that didn’t mean he was going to let himself go full-metal gay for his best friend just because the way Cas looked at him made him feel things sometimes. If there was one thing Dean was good at besides killing monsters, it was burying shit he’d rather not deal with.

They drove in silence, the late hour meaning that they had the road largely to themselves. Dean was determined to stay awake, but it turned out that pure spite wasn’t quite the energizer he remembered it to be, and he ended up drifting into an uneasy sleep about thirty minutes into the drive. 

He dreamed that he was underwater, flailing and gasping for breath. Fighting panic, he made a frantic swim for the surface only to find that it was a solid, translucent wall he was powerless to break through. 

No...God, no, please, not again...

He hadn’t been strong enough. Michael had won. And just like that, Dean knew that he was looking out through his body’s eyes and that those were his hands wrapped around Cas’s neck in the bunker kitchen, Sam and Jack’s crumpled bodies lying on the floor nearby. All around Dean, a horrible, smug voice echoed through the depths...

Because I can, Dean. Because I can. 

Dean screamed. He beat his fists against the barrier until blood filled the water and stung his eyes, but it didn’t matter, nothing mattered, he couldn’t do a damn thing to put the light back in Cas’s eyes, couldn’t even catch the angel’s body as it too was tossed aside. He was helpless, he was useless, and this was all his fault, it was all his fault, it was--

“Dean!"

--all his--

“Dean!”

--fault...

“Dean, wake up!”

Dean opened his eyes with a gasp, jolting violently against an unyielding solid, and oh god, it hadn’t been a dream, he really was trapped, he--

“Dean.” Strong arms wrapped around him, gripping him tightly, and Dean heard the click of his seatbelt being released before he was pulled forward into a protective embrace. “Dean, it’s all right, you’re all right.” 

“...Cas?”

“I’m here.”

“Michael, he--” 

“Michael is gone. We beat him. You’re safe.”

So are you. 

Dean closed his eyes, let his head fall forward onto Cas’s shoulder, personal space be damned. “Fuck,” he whispered, his voice weak and muffled against the rough fabric of Cas’s trenchcoat. “Fuck, goddamn it...”

They stayed like that, Cas’s hands moving in soothing circles against Dean’s back as Dean worked to regain control of his breathing. Dimly, he realized that Cas must have pulled over before managing to wake him: as he gazed sideways out the windshield, he saw wild grass illuminated by the headlights Cas hadn’t bothered to turn off. Part of Dean knew that he should pull back, that in his current position and state of mind he was liable to say something he’d immediately regret, but before he could muster up the energy to move, he was stilled by the soft sound of Cas’s voice:

“All the pain you’ve endured throughout your life...I wish that I could take it away.”

Dean felt a lump forming in his throat. “Yeah, well,” he managed to say, “’s’not like me cryin’ ’bout it’s gonna do any good. I can deal with it, ’s what I do.”

“I know.” Dean could hear the slow smile in Cas’s voice, even if he couldn’t see it. “You are the strongest being I have ever known, and in spite of everything you’ve gone through--”

“I’m a fucking mess, Cas.”

“--in spite of everything you’ve gone through, you are brave, and you are thoughtful, and you are kind.” There was a pause, and Dean felt the rough tickle of Cas’s stubble as the angel turned to brush his lips against the base of Dean’s neck. “You are good, Dean Winchester, whether or not you let yourself believe it.” Another pause; when Cas spoke again, his voice was barely louder than a whisper: “And if you cannot love yourself, then I will love you enough for the both of us.”

Dean stiffened in surprise, his breath catching in a way that should have been painful, except...no. No, he must have misunderstood, because there was no way, it just wasn’t possible...

“I love you, Dean.”

 ...unless...

Dean pulled back abruptly, just far enough to see Cas’s face. The way Cas was looking at him...God, it shouldn’t have been possible, Dean never thought it could ever be fucking possible, and yet...

...it was. 

I’m done burying this.

Before he could lose his nerve, Dean leaned forward into Cas and kissed him. Cas made a deep, needy sound in the back of his throat and pulled Dean flush against his chest, returning the kiss an intensity that burned away any trace of doubt still lingering in Dean’s mind. He wrapped one arm around Cas’s torso and brought his other hand up to tangle in the angel’s hair, gripping Cas just as tightly as Cas was gripping him and knowing in the most profound depths of his soul that this was good, this was right. 

He'd finally gotten something right.

[stylinsonlibrary]

HISTORICAL AU FIC REC

50+ fics set in the past

A Word We've Only Heard (6k)

So, where are you headed?” Liam asked, not wanting to sit in awkward silence for their journey.  It was twelve hours to Chicago, and that was far too long to sit and not chat with his fellow passenger in front of him.

“Chicago,” he answered, his blue eyes meeting Liam’s own.  “It’s home.  Been on the road for quite some time now, it’s the first time I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed in almost a month.”

Liam whistled.  “You must be pretty excited.”

The man gave a soft smile, which made him look younger than Liam initially expected; he might even still be in his twenties.  He wondered what kind of a life this man had led to look so tired until he smiled.

Or, it's 1951, Harry is the owner of a music shop, and Louis is a traveling salesman making his way back home.

I'm Ready to Fall, Love (9k)

Louis doesn't like Harry, except for the fact that he really does.

(Basically: A royal AU with Prince Harry and Stable Boy Louis.)

One Day You'll Say These Words (11k)

Growing up together in Yorkshire has led to a lifelong friendship between Louis Tomlinson, the future Marquess of Rotherham, and Harry Styles, the heir to a viscount. When Harry suddenly inherits his uncle’s title and estate much earlier than expected, Louis must watch his friend struggle under the weight of these new responsibilities, including searching for a wife with a dowry large enough to save his estate. However, sitting idly by as Harry looks for a bride brings some unexpected feelings to the surface.

A friends to lovers story set in the Regency era.

feel my heart beating (12k)

‘90s AU where Louis’ addicted to matchmaking and Harry’s just playing along.

lead me out on the moonlit floor (12k)

In all honesty, Harry was long forgotten, cast aside by a dimpled stranger and too much champagne. He was almost glad, now, that Harry hadn’t come, because he wouldn’t have met this stranger, this tall man who could make his heart flutter with a single glance.

Victorian!AU where Louis is a wealthy lord throwing a masquerade ball for his birthday and Harry is a toymaker who's only confident when he's wearing a mask.

Autumn at Fairbridge Hall (14k)

It is October 1817. Mr. Louis Tomlinson hosts an Autumn Ball and a Fox Hunting Party at his estate Fairbridge Hall, with the intention of finding suitable husbands for his younger sisters.

A Regency AU where Louis does not want to deal with marriage proposals, a stubborn sister and unwelcome guests. The only things he really wants is peace and quiet and..., the handsome Mr. Styles.

To Honor (14k)

Commander Styles leads his men to victory, but at what cost?

Manifest Destiny (15k)

Harry and Louis had fallen into bed together again that night, mouths greedy and hands needy. And now every time Louis stops at Fort Kearney, even if it’s weeks in between, he and Harry spend the night together. The nights are always filled with heat and passion, and it gives Louis something to think on fondly as he rides across the western territories carrying sacks of mail.

They’ve never talked about it, and they’ve never kissed. Louis doesn’t know if he wants either of those things to change, but he knows that his presence in Harry’s life is sporadic at best. Probably best to leave things be.

Or, Louis is a Pony Express rider and Harry runs a station along the trail.

Howls Like A Beast (You Flower, You Feast) (16k)

“You don’t love me,” Louis had said, utterly blasé as he callously fractured the heart of a Harry that was just barely eighteen.

“I do,” Harry had insisted pleadingly, green eyes already watering.

Louis had rolled his eyes, exasperated and flippant in the way only beautiful, young boys could be when faced with the affections of a baby prince. He had run his finger down Harry’s cheek then, had forced him to look into his eyes as he delivered the final blow.

“You’ll change your mind once you’ve seen more of the world,” Louis had teased, pressing a brutally delicate kiss onto Harry’s lovely, pure cheek. “Once you’ve been properly defiled.” He had whispered filthily, delighted by the gasp he heard, the frantic pink blush that had rested high on Harry’s cheeks, the power he had felt at knowing he could make the Crown Prince squirm.

Break Me Down, Build Me Up (16k)

America, as it’s been told, is the world of riches. Men and women alike can come to the land of the free and achieve the American dream, regardless of their background. He wanted nothing more than to create a better life for his sisters, for himself, and perhaps for his future. Harry Styles was never a part of the plan.

[or: Louis moves his family to America to try and find a better life. Harry finds him instead.]

The Man I Love (17k)

It's the Roaring Twenties, a time of blissful prosperity, overflowing champagne flutes, adrenaline-filled dancing, and the rise of the Jazz Age—and Louis Tomlinson absolutely abhors it all. A stickler for modest classics, jazz is the bane of Louis' existence.

Coincidentally, Harry Styles is the bass player for an underground jazz band.

Or The 1920s AU where Louis is a hardworking, no nonsense paralegal, Harry is in love with the greatest city on earth, Zayn is the enigmatic leader of the band, Niall's just there to make sure everyone's having a good time, and Liam is the barber who started it all.

The People's Playground (17k)

It is 1900 in New York City, and Harry Styles has recently immigrated to America from England. His sister encourages him to take a day off from his life as a factory worker and Harry decides to take a trip to the infamous Coney Island where he literally runs into Louis Tomlinson. It looks like Coney Island will be more than Harry bargained for.

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart (19k)

Louis and Harry had been childhood best friends, but had been separated by evacuation as the city they grew up in was destroyed around them. Now, twelve years later, they are both back in London, and through chance they meet again. In a time when you can't admit to being gay, for fear of arrest, admitting to your best friend that you love them seems like an insurmountable obstacle.

Featuring boxer Harry and mechanic Louis, much pining, and a lot of post war Britain

No One Like You (19k)

Dear Niall,

I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

Dance Like Warriors On A Battlefield (20k)

Down in the arena, the triumphant gladiator places his foot on the back of the loser, holding him there as he waits for instruction on his next move. Kill or let live. It’s barbaric, really, the bloodlust involved in this sport. Louis is pretty sure that if it wasn’t for his distaste for the killing there would be a lot more blood soaking that sand.

As it is, his father rarely gives the kill order anymore. He gives the order to let the loser live. Louis rolls his eyes, turning away. He doesn’t miss the way the gladiator’s eyes linger on him.

threadbare (20k)

Harry Styles was eight years old when Louis Tomlinson kept him from falling into a machine in a Manchester textile mill.

He was 18 years old when nothing, not even the threat of death, could keep Harry from falling in love with Louis.

Un Verso Que Hiciste De Mi (20k)

Harry froze as he looked up to his handler’s face. He found himself staring at the most beautiful twin pools of blue he’d ever see, and had to take a second to breathe before he remembered what to say.

“Please, don’t kill my friend,” he whispered.

Louis looked over at the red headed man. “You are to go back to your manor, and tell his family he will only be brought back if my ransom is met.”

or a Scottish Borderlands AU where Louis is a laird that kidnaps his rival’s betrothed, and Harry just happens to be that betrothed.

Damn the Dark, Damn the Light (20k)

“Why is this face of beauty ringing so true?” The genuine confusion in Harry’s voice causes Louis’ chest to painfully twinge. “You’re a complete stranger in my eyes, William Shakespeare, but not in my heart. How is that possible?”

Louis wants to live out every romance plot he has ever written in his own life. He wants to be the protagonist of his own narrative, the hero who finds true love and gets his happy ending. Instead, Louis is stuck with only dreaming of such wild fantasies and writing them down. He can create entire romances in his dreams, yet he can never live one.

let it shine under the morning star (22k)

It's the summer of 1891, and Bruges has significantly more angry swans and accidental Irish revolutionaries than Harry was anticipating being faced with on his summer holiday.

the dead things we carry (25k)

September ‘49 

He hasn’t seen him since that day in France, that horrible muddy day where for one terrifyingly long second, Louis really thought he was going to die. He winces with the phantom pain, the hand not holding his cane going to his stomach automatically, remembering the franticness, the tenderness, of Harry’s hands while Louis was bleeding out.

This is the man who saved Louis’ life.

For one second, Louis fears Harry won’t recognise him, but his eyes widen when he turns to his left and they meet Louis’. He takes a step forward, reaching for him with a shaky hand before stopping himself.

“Louis,’ Harry says with a shudder and Louis doesn’t think his name has ever carried more weight.

This is the only man Louis ever thought about kissing for real.

“Oh,” Mrs. Padley says, clearly taken aback. “You two know each other?”

There are some things people never fully come home from. Until, one day, if they’re lucky, home comes to them.

Is it too much to ask for something great? (26k)

It is the dawn of the sixties and the whole sexual revolution may as well never happened since Harry still has to muffle his groans in the pillow when he fucks. God forbid neighbours would caught on. But maybe he wants to scream, maybe he wants his moans to carry through the wall and maybe he even likes to think that they would irk the person there somehow, but no. No such thing happens with Louis, because apparently he is the only person on the planet who doesn't care who you fuck. Being a fag in Greenwich Village is great, lots of fun, being a fag who is in love with his painfully straight best friend Louis? Torture. He should just let the whole thing go. Louis doesn't care for his moans, he produces a lot of them on his own, and those on the other hand haunt Harry's dream, and he's pretty sure that ten days on the road with Louis and Louis alone is actually going to kill him.

And he doesn't even like Beach Boys.

Box of Rain (26k)

that in his free time informally works as a ring boy. Somehow he manages to always get tangled on the ropes and at the same time charm the pants off of all the fighters and patrons. They meet in Manchester in 1977 and, even though they don't seem to have much in common, they... Well, they just sort of click, really.

The one with a friendship ruiner game of Monopoly, Harry always ending up in jail for wanting to save the world, Louis face to face with his archenemy and way too many references to 70s music.

Also staring Zayn as a brooding anarchist punk rocker, Liam as the nerdiest and nicest boxer in all Britain and Niall as a bookmarker that can easily convince people to bet fortunes, but can't make his friends realise their mutual crush on each other.

autumn leaves (27k)

“Brave?” Harry frowns, caught off guard. “No, not particularly.”

“You seem brave,” Louis decides, pushing off the wall and stepping on the butt of his cigarette. “You are strong, and you are not mean. That’s good,” he assures, touching Harry’s arm gently.

“Thank you, but that’s not true,” Harry smiles ruefully. “I’m really not anything special.”

Or, Harry is an American soldier in France during World War II, and Louis is a French waiter that doesn't mean to fall in love with him.

What Happened to 'Never Say Die'? (28k)

The 80s were one of the best decades to be a teenager in America. Just ask anyone who's seen a John Hughes movie. Louis would beg to differ. At least today he would, while he was stuck cleaning out his family's basement - part of his grounding after a senior prank gone wrong. But when he finds a box containing details of the biggest unsolved crime in Luna Hills, he and his friends decide to sneak out for one last adventure before they're all off to college. That is, as long as the mayor, who also happens to be Louis' mother, doesn't stop them before they discover the truth.

Or, a coming of age American AU inspired by classic 80s movies like The Goonies and Stand By Me where everyone has a secret and no one wants to get caught.

the beginning of everything (30k)

“How do you take it?” Harry asked, pouring tea into a cup.

“Just a dash of milk, please,” Louis cast a look over the small table, filled to capacity. “They’re very fond of you.”

Harry ducked his head, grinning. “They’re trying to impress you.”

Louis smiled, shaking his head. “Why would they want to do that?” he asked as he took the cup Harry passed to him, their fingers brushing for an instant.

“Empathy,” Harry said under his breath.

A Belle Époque AU set (mostly) in Paris in which Harry is a struggling artist, in more ways than one, and Louis is a successful theatre critic and a failed writer, more or less.

Our Stable Heart (30k)

Louis Tomlinson had it all. A beautiful mansion in the country-side of London, a well known job in the heart of downtown, and a lovely fiance he would soon marry...

But what happens when Louis' world is turned upside down just from gazing into a pair of dreamy, green eyes?

Something Louis could never have imagined himself...

i could marry that smile you're wearing (34k)

Louis is lost in his thoughts. Harry has found his new purpose in life. Both meet very unexpectedly and it is all full of cliches you can expect.

Ancient Greece AU - Louis as a member of aristocracy and Harry as a common slave.

what this world is about (34k)

An eighties American high school AU; there are first times, football games, and feelings.

Gem and the Hunters: The Treasure of Babylon (34k)

Louis Tomlinson wished, for one thing, his whole life: to find the ancient city of Babylon. After one failed attempt, he swore to never again attempt a search for the city. His friend, Niall Horan never pushed the issue, but when his family finds themselves in trouble, Niall’s only option is to convince Louis to try and find Babylon again.

Niall enlists the help of two famous treasure hunters: Harry and Gemma Styles and their friend Liam Payne. Harry and Gemma love ancient cultures as much as Louis and would give anything to find Babylon. Liam is just along for the ride, running from a shade in his past.

The five embark on the adventure of a lifetime… and find much more than any of them bargained for.

The Boy with the Red Scarf (35k)

It’s 1925 and Harry has left his small home to chase after his father’s footsteps. He wants to be a movie star, make money to keep his family comfortable just like his mother had told him his father had. But when he makes it to Chicago, he finds that people aren’t what they seem. The parties are grand, the women charming, and the money rolls. What he doesn’t understand is that behind that beautiful mask of a city there is something lurking in the shadows.

Starring Harry as a struggling actor and Louis as Al Capone.

If we meet sometime in the after years, my darling, I trust I will find your love still mine. (38k)

1970s AU.

The boy at the dinner table isn’t as much of a stranger as Louis thought, and somewhere between the diners, concerts, and the way the moonlight falls just right, the summer is enough time for realizing just that.

Felt the blood rushing through my veins, I still remember (42k)

Harry is the heir to his father's estate and wealth and he knows he is the most eligible bachelor in all of England. Louis is the stable boy who everyone loves and adores even though he can be a touch too bitter sometimes. They can't stand each other, and the pride of one and the prejudice of the other disallows any other feelings they might have.

Coeur du soleil (48k)

After assuming the throne when the Cardinal dies, Louis becomes King of France in 1661. He thinks he has everything under control and is determined to prove himself the leader he knows France needs, but his plans are quickly thrown aside once he meets a curly haired English Ambassador.

Harry's only job was to observe the King, and he ends up observing a little closer than expected. Featuring Captain Payne of the Royal Musketeers, Ambassador Malik from the Ottoman Empire, and Lord Horan from Ireland.

We're What's Right In This World (48k)

“Why did you talk like that in Brighton? If you weren’t planning on ever telling me?” Louis asked. “Is it because you think you’re going to die?”

“It’s war, Lou,” Harry said finally.

The words were a knife slipped between his ribs. Everything hurt and he was bleeding. He shifted up, his palms cradling Harry’s jaw, his lips against his boy’s. Not kissing, just resting there, so Louis could feel him. “Promise you’ll come back to me.”

Harry’s hands smoothed down the sides of Louis’ body. “You know I can’t do that. I’ll never lie to you.”

“Promise me. We’re going to have our cottage. And our dogs. And our breakfast in the garden where nothing grows because of the wind from the sea. Promise me.”

“I won’t.” Stubborn as always, his boy. “I’ll promise you, I’ll love you all my life. I’ll promise you, you’ll never leave my thoughts. I’ll promise you, you’re my forever and my always. But promising you something I can’t cheapens the things I can.” Or the World War II AU where Harry goes off to fight and all Louis wants to do is be the boy who brings him home.

the last person on earth i could ever marry (50k)

A Pride and Prejudice AU, where Harry is fed up with rich men and Mr Tomlinson is a very rich man.

For the Sake of Propriety (52k)

Louis Tomlinson is the caretaker of an estate that is not truly his, and when his Uncle calls upon him to take it back, Louis knows he will soon be out on the streets with four overly zealous sisters to care for. His only solution: wed the eldest two off and pray for the best. When an even better solution unexpectedly presents itself in the form of the charming Mr. Styles, Louis is faced with a difficult choice. But as with all things in the regency era, reputation very well may threaten to outweigh the fleeting matters of his heart.

Back To You And Tennessee (57k)

Louis Tomlinson rises to rock and roll fame at age twenty three and is thrown into a life of luxury and excess, but being on stage isn’t easy for a boy who has always stuck to the side-lines, and Louis struggles to deal with his new fame as he joins the Grand Ole Opry and is sent out on tour with names like Liam Payne and Elvis Presley. His life takes a turn, however, when his childhood role model, Harry Styles, joins them on tour, and the two become closer than two men in the spotlight are allowed to be.

OR, the one where Louis is Johnny Cash and Harry is June Carter

I Hunger For Your Beautiful Embrace (57k)

Legatus Harry is governor of Capua and Dominus of his estate. He governs with a firm and harsh rule and has never been known to be soft. That is until Louis comes into his life. A beautiful slave who creeps into Harry’s house and heart.

But in the times of Ancient Rome, when sex, wars, and death are the entertainment of the times, life and love are rare commodities.

Paint The Sky With Stars (62k)

On 10 April 1912, Harry Styles boards the finest ship the world has ever seen. Still grieving the death of their mother, he and his sister are being sent to America to live with a callous uncle who cares more about his business connections than family. Harry prepares himself for a long, disappointing voyage alone in his stateroom.

Louis Tomlinson has borrowed and saved, and finally has enough to purchase a Third Class ticket to America. With all of his belongings in a single ruck sack, he boards the Titanic filled with hope for a brighter future. Never one to sit still, he can’t resist exploring the massive ship, and soon goes sneaking into First Class in a stolen steward’s uniform.

By a twist of fate, Louis finds himself in Harry’s stateroom, entranced by the most attractive man he’s ever laid eyes on. He keeps returning day after day, even if he doesn’t understand what it is about Harry that continues pulling him in. That’s all right; Louis has a week to figure it out, and Harry is plenty willing to help.

Except they don’t have a week. They have four days. Because on 15 April, their entire world will be turned upside down.

Or, the historically accurate Titanic AU with a happy ending.

Life Had Just Begun (63k)

Stand up. Breathe. Run. Survive.

Back on his knees, Harry can wipe the blood from his eyes and see again, blurred and in slow motion, but he can see. He doesn’t think, he just moves. He gets to his feet, stumbling as his brain goes white in time with the lightning strike.

Run. Run. Run.

It’s 1985. All the cool kids are wearing Members Only jackets and acid wash jeans. The gay rights movement might be gaining traction around the country, but for a small town in Colorado, even listening to Queen is an invitation for a beating. Louis Tomlinson’s life is turned upside down when he comes face to face with the afterlife, and is given one seemingly simple mission: save Harry Styles.

The Art of Being a Gentleman (64k)

Out of all four of the Styles children, Harry has always been the most adored. He is the handsome, intelligent, and oh so charming golden child of the family, the perfect son who will soon be married to the perfect woman, a beauty queen named Victoria Astaire. Despite how loved he is among all who reside in the affluent town of Alton, his siblings absolutely despise him. In order to stain his squeaky-clean reputation and get their traditional, old fashioned parents to despise him as much as they do, they devise a plan that involves Harry’s giving nature, the desperation of a mother and father, and a mischievous boy who doesn’t give a damn about what’s proper.

Such Good Luck (66k)

Louis smiles at Harry’s words, leaning into his touch. “Tell me again.”

Smiling, Harry takes Louis into his arms. Pressing gentle kisses to his face, Harry murmurs, “In six months’ time, I will have my twenty-fifth birthday. On that day, my portion of the inheritance will become legally mine. And I plan that very day to announce to my family that I have found love.” Harry chuckles as he runs his lips lightly along Louis’ cheekbone. “That, in fact, I found love when I was twenty-one years old, and that I have loved and been loved every day since.”

Or, an Edwardian AU where Harry is a young aristocratic lord and Louis is a working class dairy farmer. Secrets are a necessary part of their relationship, but Louis has one that could topple their whole world.

Adore You (66k)

“We invited our new acquaintances from uptown. You’ve simply got to meet their oldest son!” said his mother with a flourish, and suddenly it became abundantly clear as to why his parents had so adamantly demanded he join them in Deansville for the entirety of the summer.

Against his wishes, Harry spends the holidays at his family’s summer estate, and is reluctantly pulled into a courtship he didn’t ask for. Harry doesn’t want to get married, but Louis does. They don’t fit, but then again they really, really do.

Vaguely set in the 1920’s. Headpieces, jazz, fashionable canes, and flapper dresses, and that.

The World Turned Upside Down (71k)

In September 1984, Harry Styles starts at Manchester Polytechnic with two goals: to take pictures and to join the Lesbian and Gay Society. He’s never paid much attention to the news, but everyone he meets in Manchester supports the miners. He realises how right they are when he meets Louis Tomlinson, a striking miner who flirts with him. A month later they are both at the founding meeting of Manchester Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners, trying to bring down the government. Through letters and visits they build a relationship, in a world very much not of their own choosing.

Manchester and Doncaster in the 1980s are grim, hopeful and alive. Niall is president of the Young Labour club, Nick Grimshaw is in love with the singer of an up and coming band, Fizzy wants to know more about the women of Greenham Common and Harry and Louis are brave.

A Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners/Pride AU.

modern love (72k)

It's August 9th, 1985. "Shout" by Tears for Fears is the top song on the Billboard charts, Back to the Future has been the #1 film in the country for five weeks straight, and Harry has just moved to what he believes to be the shittiest town in the Midwest.

Louis has been wasting away in East Chicago for over five years, Harry is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to him, and both of them are hiding a dangerous secret from their best friend: they're, like, totally sprung on each other.

Chasing Empty Spaces (79k)

The year is 1934 and Harry Styles was to inherent the largest tobacco firm in the south. His parents have picked out the “perfect” girl for him to marry and he has the privilege of receiving the highest education possible. The problem was, Harry hadn’t realized he didn’t actually want any part of that future until he met a mechanic named, Louis Tomlinson.

This Feels A Lot Like Love (80k)

Harry didn’t expect for his senior year to be filled with a blue-eyed boy with sharp cheekbones and an even sharper tongue. Then again, he didn’t expect to fall in love either.

Closeted romance, false promises and stolen kisses ensues. Set in the 90’s era.

Victorian Boy (81k)

Victorian AU. Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the Bilsdale fox hunt in York, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis' bed. But when secrets from Louis' dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn't the only one being hunted.

Atlas At Last (83k)

He doesn’t know what he had been expecting out of the road trip itself besides burping contests and too much shitty gas station food with Oli and Stan, but in the brief moment before Harry ambles up his driveway, Louis idly wonders if this is about to become some sort of Gay Coming of Age story.

Maine to California in ten days. In which Zayn’s an open-shirt hippie they meet somewhere in Ohio, Liam’s the pastor’s son running away from home, and Niall’s the number they call on the bathroom wall.

It’s 1978. Harry and Louis are just trying to get to San Fran in time for the Queen concert.

And down the long and silent street (86k)

The year is 1881 and if you’re alone in this world you might as well be dead, because starving dogs have no mercy.

Or: Wherein Louis and Harry are on the opposite ends of the social ladder, but their paths still cross on the filthy streets Louis calls his home. The odds are staked against them from the beginning, and even more when Louis' past finally catches up with him.

Coax the Cold (86k)

England, 1897.

English Professor Louis Tomlinson’s passion for the occult has been a source of mockery and derision for most of his life. When he hears whispers of a travelling freak show newly established in London claiming the existence of a monstrous sea hybrid, half-man, half-fish, Louis sees it as his ticket to credibility amongst his peers. The summer he spends undercover working on the show, however, gives him much more than that.

Here In The Afterglow (88k)

“If you hadn’t noticed, I don’t have many friends,” Louis whispers, the blossom of insecurity in his stomach unfurling and clawing its way into his throat.

Harry is silent for a long time, and then he speaks; a soft, slow uncurl that makes Louis’ stomach shake. “I’ll be your friend.”

1970’s AU. In a tiny town in Idaho, Louis’ life is changed forever by the arrival of a curious stranger.

Resist Everything Except Temptation (100k)

The lethargic sound of heels clicking against wood resonated across the sea. Footsteps descended the staircase, every assured step creating a menacing aura as it grew closer. Perspiration gathered along Louis’ palms as the rhythmic sound halted in front of him.

“Captain,” Malik greeted.

Louis watched out of his peripheral as Malik’s boots shuffled back a few steps. Sweat matted the hair along the nape of Louis’ neck as he waited for something to happen. He felt as if a sharp blade was twisting his gut as the silence became tangible. There was a metallic slide of a sword being pulled out of its sheath, the sound startling Louis out of his cocoon of sterile shock. His shoulders jumped as the tip of a blade flattened underneath his jaw. Louis’ distorted reflection stared back at him in the polished metal. Engraved rose petals twisted his appearance as they crawled up the length of the sword. The sword lifted and took Louis’ chin with it.

Standing in front of Louis was Captain Styles.

OR The one where Louis is the commodore's son who is forced to become a part of Harry's crew when he is captured.

Butterfly Gun (100k)

Harry has never been much of a fighter, but—as always—where Louis Tomlinson is concerned, a lot of things stop being true.

1940's AU. Even after six years apart, they can't forget their shared wartime childhood.

Through Eerie Chaos (102k)

For as long as anyone can remember, Old Hillsbridge Manor has always been believed to be haunted. Everyone in the village agrees and keeps a respectful, fearful, distance. New in town after a bad breakup and an internship that led to disappointment rather than a permanent job, Harry Styles figures taking pictures of the decrepit building could be a great new creative project. Or at least a much-needed distraction while he searches for a job and crashes at his parents’ new house. No one warned him about the apparitions though; about the music, the laughter, the people who flicker and vanish when you call after them, the echoes of a past that should be long gone… Harry has never believed in spirits but even he can admit that there’s something weird going on. What starts as mere curiosity evolves into a full-blown investigation and soon enough, Harry finds himself making friends with an aristocrat from the 1920s and struggling with finding the best way to tell him that he’s dead.

The Ghost Hunter AU where Niall lives to prove ghosts are real, Zayn is a skeptical librarian and Harry gets caught up in a century-old mystery and catches feeling in the process.

Landslide (143k)

The year is 1976. In November, Jimmy Carter will take control of the White House. Americans are meeting Laverne & Shirley at their apartment in Milwaukee. Hotel California diverges from the reign of Kool & the Gang. And the FBI is still reeling from the repercussions of Watergate, the tragedy at Wounded Knee, Operation Family Secrets, and the strategic terrors of the anti-cult movement.

That's what Special Agent Harry Styles has been told is the basis of his mission to an abandoned farmhouse in rural New Hampshire.

With his hair grown out long and his shirt untucked, he's going undercover to do reconnaissance on suspected cult leader Louis Tomlinson, who has led a group of people out into the middle of nowhere, leaving no record of the life he'd had before. All Harry knows is what the agency gave him: Tomlinson's name, and instructions to figure out what he's doing with the eleven people he brought with him.

In the year that Harry spends undercover and under Louis Tomlinson's wing, he learns more than he ever expected.

Love Endless (series; 3 completed works/1WIP; 696k)

The year is groovy 1973, and eighteen-year-old Louis Tomlinson is perhaps the gayest teen to ever grace the gloomy, hateful town of Fortwright. Would be fine if he wasn't so viciously bullied at both home and school for such a "harmful" sexual preference.

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard this story, haven't we?

Believe him, Louis didn't think he was anything special either.

Until he found the mansion. The notoriously haunted mansion hidden deep within the forests of his tiny blip of a town in Bumfuck Nowhere, Idaho. No one with a brain ever goes near it, but Louis could use a little excitement in his life...and possibly a Band-Aid or two.

After discovering the mansion was less abandoned than he'd thought, he's now left with the most riveting mystery of a lifetime; every new finding leaving him with more questions. Who is this elusive owner, and why won't they show themselves? Why is there a set of journals in the same handwriting that span over centuries? Why in the world is there a padlock on the refrigerator...and who the hell is Alexander?

[bellabooks]

“Pretty Little Liars” recap S7 Ep18: Chose or lose

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Aria had the most glorious fever dream involving Mona singing and dancing as a prison guard, and it was so good that it almost made me forget about Mona and Emily pretending to be a couple. Making out with Emily Fields is the cure for morning sickness   Alison is back in town and cuddling on the couch with Emily, who tells her she’s pretty and instigates some morning sex. They kiss and stumble into the bedroom, but OF COURSE they are twat-blocked by that damn board game, which is taking up space in the bed.  Is that thing a drone? How does it keep moving so fast?   Suddenly, the police bust in with a search warrant and start packing up evidence, including their phones. This is a coordinated effort across Rosewood, as the rest of the Liars are forced to turn over their phones and belongings to the cops. Aria manages to shred the last page of her file literally as the police walk in. The Liars wind up at the police station, where they’re met with Detective Tanner. Hi Tanner! Welcome back to Rosewood. Tanner quickly explains that Marco has recused himself from the case, what with sexing up Spencer and all. Wow, doesn’t he know that Rosewood has an open door policy on cops hooking up with suspects? It must be in the handbook. Tanner is smug as all hell and ready to lock up the Liars, which is pretty bold considering she knows their backstory and rescued them from the dollhouse. “Rescued” is a strong word, she merely let Caleb use police software and complained the entire time. She assures the Liars that she’s going to nail them on something, because the second rule of Rosewood Policing (after sleep with your suspects) is to always blame the victims. I’m here to chew bubble gum and make accusations, and I’m all out of bubble gum.   Back at the Brew, Aria finds a hidden cell phone in the wall…a gift from A.D. Aria demands to meet them, and A.D. agrees to meet that night, telling Aria to wear the uniform. We then cut to Mona’s apartment, where she has been listening in on the call this entire time. Hanna shows up at Radley, where Ashley is waiting for her with a suite for the Liars. She demands that Hanna tell her the truth so she can Mama Bear the situation, but Hanna refuses to involve her because she loves her too much to make her an accomplice. Ashley Marin is the best mom in Rosewood, which is a low bar, but a bar nonetheless. One day I’ll own my own vineyard and be free of this nonsense   The Liars and Caleb are holed up in the suite, trying to plan their next move. Spencer gives everyone a burner phone, because she is never not prepared. I would not be surprised if Spencer just has a stash of like, 20 burners on hand at all times. Emily tells the gang that A.D. was watching her and Ali sleep last night, and Hanna is the only one who is like, “y’all sleeping together? Nice!”. All we need is Sparia to come to their senses, then we’ll all be #queerendgame   Caleb tries to track the missing board game on his laptop, when Hanna finds the board game phone on the room service cart. The phone tells them that they have 36 hours to decide: either one of them turns themselves in, or they all go down. Just then, Mona walks in and tells them that she thinks Aria has switched teams. At first the Liars refuse to believe her, but Mona came with proof.  I magically manifest whenever someone says #queerendgame   Spencer runs into Toby in the Radley lobby, who has been brought into town for questioning. He’s been living in a cabin in the woods, with a mountain man beard to prove it. He invites her to visit him, and asks what is going on, but Spencer assures him that it’s better if he doesn’t know. Ah, just like old times. Aria sneaks out of the house and goes to meet A.D. in the woods, where she is of course busted by all the Liars. She tries to explain herself, but everyone is furious, especially poor sweet Emily. Aria asks them if they remember when Ezra spied on them and exploited them for a book, as if that’s something anyone would forget. She tells the Liars that she was so mad she wrote a police report against Ezra for being a pedophile, but never filed it. She claims that she had no choice, but everyone rightly calls her out for putting Ezra’s needs above the group. But…but…but…my boyfriend tho   Aria reminds them that they’ve all done terrible things for A, like that time Spencer kidnapped a kid (which I totally forgot about) but Spencer fires back that her parents are getting a divorce because of Aria’s actions. I mean…let’s be real: this divorce is a solid move. I think it has less to do with Aria than it does with Peter screwing every mom in Rosewood. But I digress. The Liars storm off, leaving a devastated Aria alone in the woods. The Liars are summoned to the police station, where they ice out Aria. Tanner sits them all down and lays out the evidence she’s gathered: bloody windshield glass in the shower drain, plus windshield fragments under Archer’s finger, plus video footage. It doesn’t look good. Tanner says she wants to give them a chance to tell their story, and claims that, had they been honest from the beginning, they never would have been kidnapped. God I wish I had cheese fries right now   The Liars stonewall Tanner, who reluctantly lets them go. In the car, Aria calls A.D. and yells at them for ruining her life. She’s about to throw her phone out the window when A.D. tells her to wait. Okay, aside from bloody glass, video footage, and fingerprints galore, what evidence do you have?   The rest of the Liars convene at the hotel and watch as the phone counts down. Hanna offers to confess, since she was the one driving. Spencer then offers, since it was her credit card mistake that nailed them. Ali expresses guilt that she married him in the first place. Emily tells the Liars that this is A.D.’s plan, for them to bicker and fight and fall apart. They already succeeded with Aria. Spencer blames Aria for her part in it, but Emily reminds her that she also played for the A team, and that they’ve all been forced to do terrible things. Meanwhile, Ashley confronts Caleb and demands the truth…and he tells her what happened. I mean, at this point, why not? Spencer goes to Aria’s place, and Aria begs for her forgiveness. They seem to be mending their friendship, when the cops arrive to return Aria’s belongings. Apparently, there is (doctored) camera footage of Aria in New Hampshire that exonerates her, a parting gift from A.D. Spencer is furious and storms out. New plan- I got us all tickets for the next Olivia cruise leaving the country, let’s go!   Aria realizes that she has to tell Ezra the truth, but he already read the file before she shredded it. She tries to apologize (FOR WHAT THO) and Ezra tells her that he doesn’t blame her, and that he probs deserves to go to jail. This is the only smart and self aware thing Ezra has ever said. Aria is ready to tell him the whole damn truth, but first she wants to have a goodbye kiss/bang. Caleb brings Hanna to the courthouse, where her mom is waiting with a justice of the peace. They decide to get married because they’re running out of time, plus they won’t be forced to testify against each other. It’s a win-win!  I also built a tree house with solar panels and wireless internet so we literally never have to leave the woods.   Alison brings Emily into the woods, where she’s set up a beautiful romantic picnic at the kissing rock. It’s very sweet, even though none of these ladies should ever be alone in the woods. They start making out and we get a sex montage of all the Liars: Caleb and Hanna get married, Ezria has sex, Spencer goes to Toby’s cabin and seduces him, and Emily and Ali roll around together in their sex picnic. Is it sweet? Yes. Do the lesbians get a tamer scene than everyone else? Obviously. But nonetheless, it’s still a love scene, and for now we get to see Ali and Emily in love under the stars. Also, having a sex picnic in the woods is an all-star gay move.  We get it Ali, you’re a top   The next morning, the Liars (sans Aria) gather around the phone to watch it count down. When the clock runs out, Spencer smashes the phone with a giant rock…I mean…maybe she could have done that before the clock ran out? I don’t know, guys. They all swear to each other that no matter what happens, they will understand and forgive themselves. Meanwhile, Aria calls A.D. and tells them that she’s turning herself in…but the clock is already up. Aria has won unlimited freedom, and her friends are going down. Aria’s phone bursts into flames and she drops it on the ground. It’s a FIRE…sale   Caleb and Ezra get a ping on the game, and track it to Mona’s house. They use a heat vision iPad (wait what) and see Mona cuddling up to the board game, as a jail cell rises onto the board. She’s wearing her nerdy Mona glasses and looks strung out…has the game activated her adrenalized hyperreality? Mona + glasses is my new OTP Aria is driving to the police station when she feels something rolling around in her trunk. She pops it open, and there’s Archer’s decaying body. Suddenly, a police car sirens and pulls over. Close that trunk, girl! Next week we find out who killed Charlotte. Only two episodes left! Tweet me your feels and A.D. conspiracy theories at @ChelseaProcrast http://dlvr.it/PMVlMk

[isaacathom]

ok heres my eurovision liveblog thoughts i guess

i love slovenias look but im not a.... trap fan?? is that the genre? not a fan of that. also not a flashing light thank, thank you.

‘the need for everyone to fall in love’ the need??????? sfuck off

uhhhhhh...... oh thats cute. oh those lil videos are cute. and i appreciate them. i wish she’d say the /O/ in old because she clearly can but it just sounds like ‘ahld’ or smth.

what wa the point of the australian presenter to spoil the fact her husband showed up on stage like that wouldve been sweet if i hadnt KNOWN it.

‘electronic groups’ oh god AGAIN? oh thank god. oh this is nice.

‘really gets under your skin’ wow these presenters suck. thats very much the wrong metaphor. like that literally means the opposite of what you WANTED it to mean. shit. fuck.

these presenters honestly are just kinda ass. also ‘songwriters are saying it doesnt make sense’ ??? are they stupid. its. its not exactly abstract expressionism?????? what the fuck are they talking about. also what was hthat camera cut with a bald man just side eyed the camera like hes ready to kill. my god. what a legend. but was thatcomment.a joke? wild. oh it was a joke. ok. yea no im not feeling their humour. also why do they keep cutting out.

oh im really liking portugals. like it just feels nice. its sorta cozy.

‘thats one way to put it’??????? was that a gay joke?????? what the fuck was that. what was that?????? like, she said ‘listening to music for 73 hours straight’ and she went ‘straight? thats one way to put it’ IS IT A GAY JOKE???? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. im so confused. i dont understand. pls. why.

ooh its time for the invader, im Ready???? i think im ready. im sorta not but i sorta am. no choice, i cant pause. im liking this song though. ok cool im getting second hand anxiety about knowing an invader is coming. im not ready. i have no choice but OH BOY!!!! oh boy!!....... ok she handled that fairly well, but the fact her vocals kept going does look weird (tho its just clearly a backing vocal track to help boost it or to allow her to hold long notes, so im not fussed)

i like this song tho, i sorta wish she’d taken the reperform . ooOOOOH ‘absolute cockhead’ same. i like that they decided to cut to an interview to allow for the backstage crew and security to figure out what the Fuck just happened. like its obvious it was an unplanned interview but i think that was a good way to do it. a+

oh fuck thats ethereal. wooooahhhhhhhhhHHH. oh bitch. oh my god. i love this. oh i REALLY like this one. gave me chills. also, ‘crazy colonel sanders’ what, the flutist? yall are uncreative fuckers. he looks nothing like colonel sanders, in ANY way. like he just loosk like your reclusive grandfather. or like uhhhh montgomery montgomery from the asoue movie (i forget the actor sorry i know hes big)

oh this song hurts and it really shouldnt. ow. fuck. im meant to be doing my essay and im crying on the couch bitch Fuck. listen dude songs about close family dying hurt me so bad. HES CRYING TOO!!!!! bitch. ow. god no wonder he came 4th, that shit fucking Hurt me. oh my god. my throat hurts. god dammit germany! no!!!! bad!!!!! i came for fun. im slain.

im a fan of this albanian song too. it feels sorta like im listening to uhhhhh...... one of chelseas french musicals, actually. specifically robin du bois. i think its the instrumentation. big fan. oh my god i Love him.

why is their outfits being designed by gautier matter. wow those are square shoulders. i wish he hadnt. looks like something a Sith Lord would wear. the shoulders are better in context of the whole outfit. just..... not on a close up, i dont think. uh lovely song btw. oh the converse do not work with that outfit. why is she wearing sneaker esque shoes. what the hell was that.

he did a backflip?? in rehea- woah. hold on. black bars????? they havent been there the whole time, have they?? this looks like an aesthetic choice???? im confused. oh no did he have to dance like that. was that to fill in for the backflip they had to cut because he hurt himself. :| did they just dab. this is disgusting. i mean the song is nice but Why tho. czech hipster man, why must you hurt me. also i love how ‘whats up eurovision’ worked perfectly with the beat. v nice.

i heard viktor krum, what did he do. what does he have to do with this. why the fuck did they mention viktor krum, that actor is bulgarian and this is denmark???? i cant rewind. did i miss a joke. also ooh this is a fun viking beat.

WHAT HE FUCK DOES VIKTOR KRUM HAVE TO DO WITH IT. these commentators absolutely suck. i literally dont understand. they look NOTHING like durmstrang??? yall fuckers seen the movie?

also wow this is the much hyped australian act................. hmm. yea no we deserved 20th place. this isnt great. it also doesnt feel like shes hitting certain notes? but im tone deaf so i cant judge. this really isnt great. like ‘oh were a win chance’ yall blind from patriotism. i prefer most of the others. this isnt great. (i mean i dont wanna be that downer asshole but i Mean......... this is a competition and we got what we deserved here) oh god no that didnt work. nnn nah.

also STOP THE FUCKING FLASHING LIGHTS you fucking assholes. oh my god. im just /begging/. oh my god shut the fuck up commentators. these commentators honestly fucking suck. i hate them.

the commentators dabbed. Why. WHY. whats wrong with yall. fuck me.

also im still bewildered by the ‘straight? one way to put it’ joke like genuinely what was it. if the prior performance had been one of the gayer ones that i know are coming up, then maybe itd make sense. this is bewildering. heyyy its the ncis lady. i like her.

im waiting to finally hear israels unbutchered song ver (the ‘vote for israel’ ad presumably fucked it).

fuck i need food and i cant pause. god, is every song a favourite, yeesh. small aside - im sick of bands with a Single female. cowards. i mean this band is fairly diverse and i appreciate that! thats very nice!!! its not a specific knock. just like.... come on........... where the girls in the big bands at.

X RATED WIGGLES???????? are you all fucking mad. good lord this shit is absurd. oh this feels like a gameshow set. i like this. oh i like this. this is an aesthetic. i love the illusion stuff. im a Big fan. i dont think id call any of this x rated... m, certainly. wouldnt ban most of this from tv, you feel me. i thought that was quite fun. can you stop talking over the actual presenters please, you australian cockheads. im really hungry.

ooh i like this. edm, right??? i kinda dig it. like its hit or miss for the genre but i like this.

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE BLACK BARS. fuckers. it was stylistic, right? i appreciate it.

oh. screamo? fantastic. just what i want! :) precisely my genre :) big fan of screaming :) OOH this opening beats though, ooooohhh fuck yea. lets hear it boys. oh, les screaming, more yelling. no im mostly okay with that. its in hungarian but thats aight. im sure the nordic countries appreciate this hard rock representation. also, flashing lights!!! stop! oh im not a fan of the backup singers there. thats a shame.

‘unique song’ thematically??? yall fucking crazy weve covered both bullying and metoo in two previous songs. ya dunce.

ok lets hear it. OH her vocals are gorgeous. also by ‘referencing jpop’ are you talking about the outfit??? im mixed on it because idk shit about ~culture~ but it is cute, i suppose. i dunno anything about jpop either.

but wow that ad really did not represent this song well. dumbass.

huh. country. weird. i mean this is nice, sure, but its not my thing.

HEYYY IRELAND!!! helloooo. this is nice. just nice and sweet. like that was just nice.

ooh cyprus. oh my fucking god STOP SAYING FAVOURITE you absolute fucking balloons. ‘how does she get the outfit on’ you can see the zip and its obviously a full body suit, ding dong. dumb man. im liking this though. big fan.

oh final song, thank god, i can almost go get FOOD!!! im hungry.

was that a russian overlay. interesting?? i also feel like some of these overlays definitely arent italian. are they singing italian tho? are the overlays just thematic w/ some subtitle esque ones? its nice though. like, the message is definitely in a good close and i love it on that level..... on a uh...... Song level? not really.

well that was neat.... im getting food. oh jeez the commentators almost spoke over each other yeesh.

why do they keep saying fucking viktor krum. im so fucking mad about that. its so fucking stupid. like thats. thats not. thats not remotely close??? you dumbass.

not an exhaustive list, but i like norway, portugal, UK, germany (brings me to fucking tears), albania, france (STOP GOING ON ABOUT GAUTIER), finland, bulgaria, moldova, sweden, israel, cyprus. theyre nice. germany fucked me up the most so i think im legally required to say i wish germany had won.

‘heres sandra bullock and jennifer lawrence’ shut the actual fuck up.

anyway im leaving. that was fun.