#my little brother. but i'm over it now because the memory's hazy now and i'm more aware of how it wasn't ACTUALLY my little brother bc it

[jasmines-library]

Hello!

Truthfully, I know only surface level information about DC, but I've really enjoyed all your fics for the Batfam💕

Only take this request if it sparks something for you and you can write whatever form, being HCs, imagine, etc!

I'd like to request something for a (gn) civilian reader who is friends w/ the Batfam, but recently got superpowers that are magical girl-esque. I imagine reader was in the wrong place, wrong time situation w/ some criminals and got powers from an alien artifact. Their powers are sparkely and elegant but pretty flashy as well. Their tranaformation actually stuns people into watching and a lot of their moves only work if there is flair and finesse to them.

Reader is already struggling w/ if they want to be a new vigilante, but they’re mostly embarrassed by how showy and pretty their powers are in comparison to the dark and brooding Batfam. They feel out of place next to them and hate becoming the center of attention.

Sorry if this idea is a bit out there, but ty for letting me be indulgent in your ask box 💕 Love your writing!!

Acceptance

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

Note: Not really sure what i think of this one but im trying to clear out my inbox so people can request again. Thanks for requesting anon!

Word Count: 600

⛧ BATFAM MASTERLIST ⛧

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

The first thing you recalled was the pain. Fiery and burning, radioactive through your veins. The second was the light. So bright that it was practically burned into your retinas. And the third was the ringing sensation that was too stubborn to leave your ears. It made your head throb and your eyes water. The city is cold as you walk through the streets, wandering aimlessly with little to nowhere to go and with even less to do. 

Not too long ago, you found yourself in a bit of a situation. A ‘wrong place, wrong time’ kind of situation. The feeling of icy cold fingers wrapping around you will never leave your mind. The feeling of being tied down and exposed to…whatever it was they used to experiment with will always have a permanent place in your mind. And although the memories were there…..most of them were hazy. Glimpses. Fragments of memories. You thought that perhaps you were in and out of consciousness. Or that whatever strange artifact you were exposed to fucked with your mind. Nevertheless, you now have these….strange abilities. Beautiful, yet strange. Enthralling. 

“Still brooding?” A voice sounded behind you, light, full of amusement and belonging to none other than Dick Grayson clad from head-to-toe in his nightwing get up; black except for a splash of blue across his chest and over his shoulders. 

“It’s not brooding” you corected, hardly sparing him a glance before continuing down the street. You had encountered the vigilantes many times. Sometimes you found yourself on the same case as them. And each and every time they would come practically begging for you to join them. Tim, Dick’s little brother had pieced together your situation alarming quickly. He knew you had nowhere to go. So in came offer after offer for you to join them. You had repeatedly declined. Not that you didn’t like the vigilantes; in fact you found them rather amusing. It was the fact that you felt out of place with abilities like yours. It was easier to work alone.

“Oh yeah?” Dick caught up with you quickly, his larger strides matching your own with ease. “Then what would you call it?”

“None of your business, that’s what.” You replied, but there was a soft grin on your lips.

Nightwing just tilted his head with an unamused look. 

“What’s that look for?” You teased, continuing to walk.

“Come on. You know what i'm going to ask”

“No.” You answer immediately.

“But–”

“No.”

“Why not? You’re wasting your potential here.”

“Because.”

Dick let out a frustrated sigh, deadpanning at you as he brought the two of you to a stop. “You’re impossible.”

“No. it's embarrassing.”

Dick’s eyebrows shoot up at that. “Embarrassing?”

“My powers are…flashy. I don’t want to be the centre of attention. It’s embarrassing.”

He frowned, eyebrows knitting together as he turned to face you. “You’re embarrassed of them?”

“....i guess.”

“Sweetheart, look at me. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Seriously.”

“No?”

Dick looks at you as if you committed a crime. “Course not. What you’ve got is really special.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” He says. “I'm serious. Your powers could save lives, Kid. Consider it.”

“I……fine.”

“You’re serious?” His face lights up. “You’ll join us.”

“Yes. But don’t get used to it. I won’t always let you get your way.”

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

BATFAM TAGS

@aestheticdaisies @hearts4robs @xxrougefangxx @mamapucket @hell-o-kittys @harleycao @batfamsstuff @alicedawitchbish @killxz @rosecentury

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

[moremaybank]

jj x john b’s little sister will always have a special place in my heart. Especially when she’s been pining over him since they were kids, the built up tension, the way they act like a couple but they’re not, ugh!

no bc this is my favourite trope with jj 😭 it's just so fitting and honestly nothing hits like a good brother's best friend trope (at least for me)

You were lying in bed, mindlessly scrolling through your phone when you hear your front door open, followed by the clunking of heavy shoes against the hardwood floors as they walked their way through your home.

At first, you panicked. Was this it? Were you about to get murdered in the comfort of your own home, warm and cozy in your bed? But then it clicked. There was only one person you knew who had loud footsteps like that. He had messy blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, a cheeky grin. He was most likely wearing one of his worn out cut-offs, and black timberland boots.

Those staple shoes of his were definitely the culprit.

Your doorknob twisted open slowly, and there JJ was. Stumbling into your room with a hazy smile on his face. He tripped over his foot upon entry, leading him to kick his boots off clumsily.

"J, what the hell are you doing? I thought you were Freddy Krueger or something, jeez."

He plopped onto your bed, using one hand to pluck your phone from your hand and toss it to the other side of your bed. He laid between your legs, resting his head against your stomach and wrapping his arms around your waist.

Butterflies erupted in your stomach instantly. Being this close and cozy wasn't new for the two of you; you'd been touchy since you were kids. Endless piggyback rides, cuddling sessions during movie nights, playing with each other's hair, that was just the two of you in your normal state. That's what happens when you've known someone since you were in elementary school.

"Hi," he murmured, nuzzling into you as he got comfy. "You smell good."

Your brows furrowed as you held back a laugh. "Are you drunk?"

"No." A moment of silence passed, and then he spoke up again. "Maybe."

"Okay, and where's my brother?"

"Ditched me for his kook girlfriend."

You hummed in response, starting to weave your fingers through his sun-kissed locks. You heard him sigh in content, and he hooked his legs over one of yours.

"D'you wanna get high?" JJ asked, breaking the silence.

Your hand crept down to his cheek, stroking it with your thumb gently. "I think you're intoxicated enough, Maybank."

He picked his head up, his chin now resting where the left side of his face was previously smushed against. He smiled, his eyelids half closed. "You're always takin' care o'me. So sweet, like candy."

"You always need to be taken care of," you joked in response. The small huff of laughter he let out was like music to your ears. You could listen to it on repeat for the rest of your days, and it'd always be your favourite soundtrack.

His eyes seemed to glimmer as he zoned in on yours again. He released a sigh, before reaching up and cupping your cheek. "You're so beautiful."

Your heart fluttered. You were used to JJ's unrelenting flirtations, but he'd never said anything like that to you. It'd always been lookin' good, mini routledge, or we should makeout. y'know, for science.

"Don't. You're only saying that 'cause you're drunk. It's mean."

His brow arched. "Me thinking you're beautiful is mean? I don't get it."

"It's mean because it's just the alcohol talking," you explained. "You don't really mean it, J."

"I do mean it. Why do you think I'm starin' at you all the time? I have to force myself to keep my eyes off you."

He was pulling at your heartstrings, saying all the things you'd been longing to hear from his mouth for as long as you could remember. It almost felt cruel; the fact that he could say these things so casually as if the memory wouldn't be burned into your brain until the end of time.

"Go to sleep, JJ. We'll talk in the morning," you spoke, eyes darting away from his as you changed the topic.

JJ removed himself from your hold, scooting up next to you and using his index finger and thumb to guide your gaze onto him. His eyes were softened, so vulnerable as they looked at you. He wore a small pout, too, only making you want to plant a kiss on it and wash it away.

"I know 'm an idiot. But one of these days, I'm gonna get my head outta my ass and tell you that I got a major thing for you," he said. "You're gonna be my girl, princess. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of that."

And with that, he laid his head down on the pillow next to yours, slinging an arm over your waist and cuddling into your side.

"Good night, beautiful."

concepts

[laiosynth]

come away, oh ghostly child... (pt 2)

( PT 1 <-) (-> PT 3)

For about 3 months now, there's been a ghost in Gotham. He's young, maybe 3 or 4.

The people of Gotham have come to accept this ghost (who says his name is Phantom) as a regular part of life, just like the heroes, villains, and other general weirdness surrounding Gotham. He has his own twitter and tumblr tags, #phantomwatch and #gothamsnewson respectively. He's as much a part of the ecosystem as the rest of Gotham.

She kept her promise, the city is his playground.

But Danny is lonely.

Maybe that's why he starts to frequent the heroes' haunts more often.

Nightwing is Danny's favorite. He's kind, more so than even his parents had been to him in his hazy memory. He's strong, too, and he protects people. And he's like Danny- he has a secret identity! Nightwing puts on a mask to keep himself safe, just like Danny.

The other vigilantes are the same, but some of them smell- literally. They reek of rotting, decayed, corrupted ectoplasm. It's gross. Icky. They're still fun to be around, but Danny wishes he could help. The one time he did try to approach one- Red Hood- to help, the vigilante had been busy.

That night, though, Gotham visited him in a dream.

"Danny, my lovely child, you are not my only. These Bats, they are my children too. They are your friends, your brothers. They are safe. They will keep you safe. I know you are lonely, little one. They will keep you company."

The night after that dream, he resolves to meet one of his new brothers. Nightwing is kind, surely he wouldn't mind!

And so, that night, he follows Nightwing! On the way, while Nightwing is resting, there is a churro stand. The smell is heavenly, and he's so hungry, so how can he resist?

So he approaches the churro stand.

"Hello, Mister. Can I please have 1 churro?"

The man running the stand doesn't take kindly to Danny's appearance.

"Back, foul demon! Evil Creature!"

The look on the man's face as he grabs a cross and exits the stand to go after Danny makes him remember his parents, chasing him with ecto-guns and weapons. It makes him cry. He sobs, his wails filling the street, echoing off the walls unnaturally.

"No, no, no! Stop, stop, please!"

The man does not stop his berating. Instead, he raises his cross over his head, intending to bring it down on Danny.

The man does not get that far, because Nightwing has grabbed his hand, and is saying something to the man that makes him flee back to his churro stand. Then, Nightwing kneels down to him.

"Hey, buddy. I'm sorry about that guy, are you okay?"

Danny wails, because he's scared, and he still remembers.

"Hey, hey, Phantom, can I touch you?"

Danny looks up at Nightwing, kind Nightwing, and nods.

Nightwing picks him up, and then they're flying, a different kind of flying than he's used to, and despite himself, he giggles because it's fun and feels funny.

They settle on a roof, and Nightwing moves Danny to his lap, carefully checking him over.

Danny reaches up to Nightwing's face, brushing his gloved fingers over the black mask.

"Yeah, that's my mask. It keeps me safe."

Danny knows all about that.

"I'll be quiet so you can be safe," he whispers, "They can't find out. That would- that would be very- very bad."

Danny wonders what Nightwing needs to stay safe from. He hopes it isn't right around the corner!

"Yes, shh, they can't find out. Very good, Danny."

Danny reaches a finger up to shush him, scared.

"Shhhhh! If they find us, they'll disstect us. Molcle by Molcle..."

Danny wants to cry again. He doesn't want Nightwing to be dissected!

Nightwing cups Danny's face with his hand, and suddenly, Danny feels a lot safer.

"It's alright, Danny. They can't get us up here."

They can't get us... Danny's safe. He's really safe!

Danny lets his ghost form fall.

Suddenly, he's very, very tired...

...

tags: @basilf1res @angelheartgamer @justgray15777 @terzatheunderscorerima @phantom120 @undead-essence @crazydoughnutlady @big-flrda-kys

(tell me if this works, im still very new to tumblr ;-;)

[merakiui]

VNSJSCJSKKGKSKWKF PUNK JADE????? as a jade stan i am CLAWING my walls istg

so we have himbo jock virgin floyd,, WE HAVE TO ELABORATE ON PUNK JADE CUZ THE THOUGHT OF HIM JUST MAKES MY WORLD SHAKE

seriously still kicking my legs at that tag omg the thought of punk jade fkkfjsjjc like those stereotypical wattpad bad boys but somehow he's a little more charming and... tolerable (to an extent), i guess...

he leans on lockers, probably rides a motorcycle his rich ass mafia father gifted him, and is definitely brooding and mysterious, but oh my god is it so attractive... you don't mind and it's as if you were put into a spell; especially after you realize you're tangled up in the sheets of his bed, your mind hazy and memories hardly legible <3 you realize he's just as bad as his brother but then again, he's soooo much better in bed, you don't mind in the slightest anymore !!! <33333

fjsjjfjdkrjv i'm just spilling my brain worms now jade has affected me once again

— (a new-ish follower named star hehe <3)

orz punk Jade is so fine omg,,,,,, he has so many piercings, a few very intricate tattoos here and there, and in my heart he kills it on the electric guitar. <3 he rizzes you up with just a few chords and you know his fingers do more than skillfully play chords. Omg omg and he has a split tongue!!!!!!! He always wears his hair in messy styles, uses hair gel to keep it spiky when he wants it to be, and maybe he smokes on occasion; perhaps even coerces you into smoking. >:) getting high with him is an experience omg,,,,,,, maybe you hotboxed with him in Floyd's van once and the two of you kissed a few times and you learned that he's so good at kissing???? So much better than Floyd, and you have to wonder how he's leagues better when Floyd's so social, loved (and feared) by all, popular enough to be with anyone he wants. Jade's just so alluring in a way that his twin isn't. Whereas Floyd's all broad shoulders and bulk and muscle, Jade's all lean muscle and willowy and agile.

You don't trust him to take you for an innocent ride on his motorcycle, so Jade suggests using Floyd's van for stuff. Floyd doesn't really care because he's so busy with sports; his van is already messy enough (he draws the line at cum stains, though. At least, cum stains that don't belong to Floyd himself lol). It's a little unfair that Jade's really good at sex because you want to experience all of this technique with Floyd (who has yet to make you cum with his dick, mind you). Jade just knows what tips you over the edge. He wrings orgasms out of you like he's trying to prove something, and maybe he is. You never really paid much mind to him because he was the "quiet twin," the one who, despite his notable fashion and style, didn't really draw your eye.

Jade just loves showing up in your life when you're trying to avoid him and his bad influence. He teases you about that all the time, playfully calls you good girl/boy/goody-goody when you insist you're only visiting his apartment to see Floyd. He has the stickiest, sleaziest smile on his face when he lets you in, speaking in that mocking drawl of his, "You know Floyd has practice at this time, right?" And god you want to punch him, kick him in his dick, tear his hair out. But you don't because you can't. Because he's addicting. Because he's good at fucking you and talking to you and being your friend and making sure you're safe and sound when you have a bad trip and asking if it feels good when he lays you down in Floyd's van and ruts into you like he has all the time in the world. You hate him, but then you don't because he's so much better than Floyd. And of course you still like Floyd, but he doesn't hit in the way Jade does.

You wake up in his bed more times than you can count, twisted up in the sheets or, more recently, in his arms, and Jade has such a fun time teasing you for it. But then he's so tender in the mornings, so soft and gentle, caressing your cheek or pressing kisses over the marks he left the night prior. The two of you are way more than friends, but neither of you say anything to make it official and so you're stuck in a situationship that feels so comfortable and enjoyable.

Omg and when he plays the guitar for you....... orz Jade is the worst thing to ever happen to you (or so you adamantly claim), but he's also the best because if it weren't for him you'd never form such a genuine connection with him. <3 also, he opened your third eye. You shouldn't settle for bad, sloppy sex with his brother when he can fuck you six ways from Sunday and leave you satisfied each time. He takes immense pride in this, too. Annoying, but you love him. You really, truly, honestly do.

[rel124c41]

I suck horribly at actually talking to people but I NEED to make it known how much I've loved and enjoyed your jade fics!!! Every single one has been a total banger., i've been fed so well.

I absolutely loved the readers lack of autonomy in your japanese folklore fic (im typing off memory so my spelling of everything will be off) they didn't have a choice in anything. fish wife <3 I'll admit I was a little confused with the Garappo, i truly thought it was some weird suicide until Jade later mentioned it. And why Floyd mentioned his brother dying to one, (I honestly thought it was supposed to be jade creature)

AGHHHH fish wife??? really?? fish wife??? the ending was so delicious, i could almost visualize it. so lovely. the fear, lack of autonomy, the loss of all they've known, never knowing what's real and what's a fantasy. I'm not sure what you envisioned for their future, but I can imagine that lack of autonomy will be more of a pressing issue than it was. God, the view of that though!!! Someone you only remember when you're too hazy to be in the real world, someone that's been with you throughout your life, someone that's wanted you since you could remember. isn't that so romantic? Finally together where the sun can't part you, under the water.

i dont know how to really explain what im feeling, or what i think, but i feel like it's such a poignant visual to be killed by this Jade in that way. It feels like watching a puzzle you've been working on be completed, or reaching a new plot point in a game you like, it's this feeling of intrigue, anticipation, idk. I always get that feeling reading your fics and also HOLY FUCK THEYRE SO LONG!!!!!!

and dont think i've forgotten your other fics LOL im ready to talk about those too holy fuck. I don't have that much to say unfortunately, I really enjoyed them just as much but I'm far more speechless. The Jade fic based off of Mera's god! Floyd was... really nice. The altar scene felt like Jade was punishing them for something. That's just how the bee crumbles, though. "sadist" might not rhyme with "jade" but it's basically the same word anyway... I loved watching Jade's opinion of Reader change over the time skips, he goes from mild annoyance/hate or, idk, repulsion (?) to interest, to love (menace style).

The reader fulfilling nothing in the end was certainly something. I loved it.

I've never really had a family, so I can't understand reader's motivations in your "crowley finds a way to send Yuu home" fic, but it made me wish I had one. I enjoyed the ending, the usage of the ghost camera. Poor Jade, really. I don't have much to say, because I'm not personally a fan of angst.

I feel like I can safely say you're my favorite writer, even above Mera. (who i now know you're also a fan of!!! which is neat!!!!!)

i know i probably could've DMed you but I feel like an ask is more appropriate >:) i hope you enjoy the long ask, as an artist myself this is kinda like tags on my art, and i really feel like you deserve that happiness. not good at talking, my bad!!!!

oh the way this made my day, i’m on break for my 6-2 shift and just AAAAAAAAAA thank you thank you thank you for this ask (*≧∀≦*) i’m geeking over here man,, i’m so flattered

okay to answer the first thing about why Floyd mentions his brother got killed by one!! the entire point of him going there is to check if his future sibling in law opinion on yokai, his brother’s lovesick so Floyds on the case

he had to make the reader let him stay!! the idea of the garappa outside is more terrifying to the reader than letting in a stranger & he mentions his brother dying to one (falsely!!! he’s lying ofc!!!)

bc the reader’s like oh that sounds familiar for him to have a brother, that fits into place — doubled with the bath salts, it’s an ease slip inside the shrine

“the fear, lack of autonomy, the loss of all they've known, never knowing what's real and what's a fantasy.” dude why did you write Sundo better than me??? why did you write the whole thesis of Sundo in a more poetic and all around better way that i ever could holy shit

also if i was the reader i’d give into to be an umi bozu so easily,, like the eldritch beauty of becoming something truly incomprehensible, some Berserk-esque creature

like look at this!!!!! it would be so cool to be this!!!!! GIANT FISH WIFE!!!!

AAAAA to be a huge monster loved and adored by your husband who stole/shares your immortal soul and infects your memory like a leech 💕💕

“It feels like watching a puzzle you've been working on be completed, or reaching a new plot point in a game you like,” AAAAA THANK YOU!!! (￣个￣) this particular part has me geeking,, i’m a big video game fan so to mimic that feeling of completeness, integrality!!!

and yeah i’m always worried about length bc i’m too fluent in yappanese when it comes to writing

the altar scene in Psilocybin was definitely a mixture of punishment and accepting them into his world — he’s always going to be salty that he does not know what fear tastes, smells, looks like upon the reader! (〃´∀｀)

i’m a HUGE momma’s girl so that’s where the theme of Schism came from haha and i love Tool’s music — thank you for saying u like the ghost camera usage, i was worried the audience might not get this BUT reader does not end up leaving; that end scene is specifically with the fragment of her soul from the photograph on Jade’s desk

ALSO MORE THAN MERA???? AAAAA THATS CRAZY PRAISE 💕💕💕 (O∆O)

UM THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK <<<3 im tattooing it in my head forever!!!! also ure my first mutual and it’s such an honor bc you’re so incredibly talented and AAAA i’m still geeking 💕

[ocie-vt]

Thoughts on ARCADEA / AWOL

Quite a while ago now I played the ARCADEA demo on stream with my good friend Purea Patel… I'm only writing this review(?) so much later because Ive just uploaded the VoD.

To get things started, ARCADEA Is an upcoming RPGmaker game in which you take control of Maisie, a mute girl on a quest to find her brother Jas. To do this, we must go through the world of Arcadia. It should be noted that Arcadia here does not refer to the Greek province, but instead refers to one of the interesting phenomena that can be found here: you see, In everyone's dreams lies an Arcade machine which represents their innermost psyche or something. It seems that we can go into these arcade machines for… reasons. Something to do with a cat? Here's the problem with writing a review of sorts from memory months after I've played something, A lot of the exactitudes of the game story have become hazy in my mind. For instance, I remember there was a talking cat who acted slightly sinisterly and seemed to be important somehow… The only other thing I remember about him is that we made him Australian for some reason. A lot of my recollection is like this, so from now on ill just mention the stuff that's stuck with me the most about the game.

Firstly, I must mention the art here, especially the character portraits. It's very good, I feel like all the main characters have very distinct designs, they're all vaguely colour coded in these nice lighter colours which both makes every character easy to tell apart which also giving them a nice sense of cohesion. It's all very cute, and this carries over to the level art, which also has pleasing pallets whilst keeping a good sense of variety between zones. Secondly, I must mention the minigames: they are of paramount importance in a game literally structured around arcade machines, and they most certainly do not disappoint. Even this demo has quite a few varied little gameplay segments, and it honestly does better in them than even some other extremely well produced or popular RPGmaker games like Pocket mirror, which relies a bit too heavily on variations of the chase sequence. Of course ARCADEA isn't exempt from having one or two chasers, close to the end there's a chase sequence against a paintbrush monster thing… but at least there is a mechanic there where you can leave bait for the monster to stall it a little. The other games are a bit more interesting though, for instance there is a puzzle in which you have to stand on a certain spot and then line up a piece of paper to reveal a symbol that tells you what direction to go next. It's a bit like that one forest sequence from Metal Gear, except in Metal Gear, the devs just left you to flounder until you got out. There's also one or two quick time button presses that I was very bad at… but it's also an interesting change of pace from other games I've played.

Last thing I'd want to mention here is that in one scene you are put in a greenhouse and told to draw one of a few plants highlighted in the room, except there was also a random set of vines highlighted that had nothing to do with this, and I was very disappointed when I couldn't try to select the random set of vines over all the pretty flowers to draw.

Anyway, all in all I had a very good time playing ARCADEA, and I'm excited for the full release. I would highly suggest that you play the game for yourself, you can download it here.

After we finished that demo on stream, me and Purea still had a fair amount of energy left, so we decided to look at the other game that the ARCADEA dev has worked on, A Wave Of Lights (AWOL). It's a cute little visual novel about a shut in girl meeting an alien girl and then, like, being gay for two hours. I've not much to say on the actual game itself since it's relatively short, It's just well written and the art is also cute. I will say that, uhh, I made some choices on the stream's end that might have impacted the drama of it a tad… When we played it we decided to voice one character each and whilst Purea gave a pretty neutrally toned voice to the main character, I heard that the other character was an alien and like… I can only decide the voice I went with as somewhere between Skeletor and a Dalek, because alien. It was really something going into the more dramatic or serious scenes with the characters opening up to each other and whatnot, where Purea was playing it 100% straight, and I was doing the silliest goddamed voice I have ever attempted.

to close this out, I should say that the Dev for Arcadia is named Aishin, and you can find them here on tumblr @arcadea-rpg.

Whilst Aishin was the artist for AWOL, it seems that the writer and lead dev listed was Tabby Wright, who you can find here.

AWOL itself can be downloaded from here, and finally you can find the VoD for my stream here.

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[restinslices]

Memory

Not Liar pt 3 and not X Reader. It's Matthias x one of my ocs that's his sister. They both think the other is dead because lore I'm too lazy to explain at 1am. Word count: 1553 Summary: Matthias has a really bad memory which his sister, Kajsa, has a nearly perfect memory. Either way though, they both feel the sting of grief.

Matthias had a pretty bad memory.

It wasn't complete shit, but it definitely wasn’t the best. He could remember short term things, and occasionally he’d remember something from a while ago, but he wasn’t someone to bet on.

Some things he was glad he didn’t remember. He was glad that sometimes his memory became hazy and the images would stay partially blurred, or the words would be so quiet he couldn’t really hear it.

He was glad the screams were quiet. He was glad he didn’t remember the inferni soldiers' faces, and only the keftas they wore. He was glad he couldn’t remember exactly how the day went. It all would slide in his mind so fast. Like someone hit fast forward. 

He also hated it though. 

Every year on the anniversary, he’d go by the sea. Djel was everywhere and if he was closer to the water, the thing that connected everyone, the thing that fed everyone, then he was closer to Djel. He hoped that meant he was also closer to his family. He hoped they could hear him.

If he wasn’t on a ship with the Druskelle, he’d go to the harbor. If that wasn’t possible then when he wasn’t needed, he’d find a secluded -as secluded you can get on a boat with several men- spot and look out at the sea.

He liked the harbor though because it was connected to a series of memories he’d recount. Matthias had a younger sister by two years, Kajsa Helvar, and like many other little girls she found herself crushing on an older man that she hardly saw. Matthias didn’t remember his name, or what he looked like. He was a blur. All he remembered was that he was Druskelle which meant he was always boarding and leaving ships. Kajsa would drag Matthias along since she wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. Overprotectiveness Matthias hated since he’d rather be doing anything than watching this random guy lift stuff then get on a boat, meanwhile Kajsa would be swooning and saying if she was older then they’d 100% be married. 

“Yeah right”, he remembers saying. “He wouldn’t want a girl who gets big fat pimples on her nose” Matthias can’t remember what she said next, but he remembers pushing her in the water, realizing what he did, then jumping in after her. He pulled her head up from under the water, and thankfully multiple adults saw their heads and helped them up. One of them being the guy Kajsa liked. Kajsa was a sweet angel in front of them but once the shock wore off, he remembers her punching him in the face for embarrassing her in front of him. 

Matthias wished he could remember more, especially now that he was in a strange land. A land that wasn’t his own. A land that demjins like Brekker called home. 

Matthias waited till everyone slept before he slipped out the tomb and sat at the edge of Black Veil Island. The water anywhere near Ketterdam was disgusting and looked unsafe to drink but it was all he had. He did what he usually did; try to remember more. He couldn’t understand why he’d remember something as stupid as his younger sister’s crush, but couldn’t remember what shade her eyes were. They were green just like their father’s but besides that, he couldn’t remember the shade. He didn’t remember exactly what her voice sounded like or how much shorter she was compared to him or what she was even wearing the day she died. Why did he care about her so much? Why not stress this much over his parents? He missed them dearly and thought about them all the time, but why did she specifically stress him out?

Maybe it’s because he failed. 

He was the older brother. He promised both his parents that he’d always look out for her and for the most part he did. How could he have failed this badly? Why couldn’t he find her that day?

Why did he let her down?

~~~

Kajsa had a nearly perfect memory.

She was one of those people that always won at memory games and picked up skills easily because she’d watch, memorize, and repeat. It was also just really convenient. There was no “where’d I put my stuff?” with her. It had plenty of good uses.

But it was also a curse. 

Kajsa was sure she must’ve done something terrible in her past life and now she was being punished in this one. She remembered everything. The bell ringing, the screams of the people in her village, her dad leaving to go find Matthias, the smell of her mom’s burning flesh, houses collapsing, the smell of smoke. Everything. Plenty of times she’d hear kids scream in joy while playing but her brain would turn those to scream of agony. Screams of people full of fear as they felt their skin burn. 

Every year on the anniversary, she’d go by the sea. Typically it’d be the same river her family would often visit. One memory she liked took place the day after Matthias pushed her into the water at the harbor. She guessed she deserved it. All he said was that the guy she liked wouldn’t want her because she got huge pimples on her nose, and she said “pimples or no pimples, at least he doesn't like my friend instead of me”. Matthias was head over heels in love with their neighbor Ana, but she confessed to like liking -yes “like liking”. Kids said “like like”- one of his friends Kristopher, He was gutted. The day they started holding hands is the day Matthias sat in his room, loudly singing Fjerdan songs about heartbreak he heard older men sing. It made her laugh whenever she thought about it. A ten year old singing about heartbreak. 

The two still wanted to go outside the next day but because of the pushing incident, their parents wouldn’t let them unless they were there. It took longer to even leave the house because her mom got cold easily so she wore multiple layers of clothes all in the color blue but in shades that were so different but so close that it drove her crazy.

“Can you wear another color?” Kajsa asked with a frown on her face. Her mom paused from pinning her hair and gave her a look that made her shut up and Matthias snicker. Then they walked all the way to the frozen river and the two kids started this stupid game where they’d tried to cover the whole river in snow which obviously didn’t work.

“Do you think one day we’ll marry people and be like Mama and Papa?” she asked. Her mom and dad were building a snowman together all while smiling and laughing like they were kids. Maybe it was because Kajsa was young but it was the cutest thing she ever saw. She looked back over at Matthias who did not look pleased. 

“Yeah yeah, I’m sure pimple nose”.

Kajsa didn’t forget much, but she did get distracted. Kajsa hadn’t done anything to get Matthias back because she was too shocked about her almost dying. Now though? The shock was over. She took a few steps towards him then socked him in the jaw as hard as she could, making him fall over. Their parents did not want to hear her excuse of “I had to get him back” and although Matthias said she was no longer allowed within ten feet of him, he still barged into her room to complain about his broken heart. Parents just didn’t understand how hard it was to see someone you like like slip away.

The sun was still setting when Kajsa stood by the river. Once again it was frozen over. Only now could she see how stupid their game was. The river was too wide and the constant back and forth from picking up snow to bringing it to another spot would kill you. Still though, she remembered it fondly. It didn’t matter if it made no sense. What mattered is that they always had fun. What mattered is that they were together. What mattered is that Matthias was still alive. 

Why did she feel so terrible? Why did images of him torture her? Maybe it’s because she didn’t see him or her father die. She just heard it happened. The family had been separated during the attack and it took days before the list of everyone deceased was shown to survivors. 

What if he screamed like everyone else? What if he begged to not be hurt? What if the Inferni took their time with him?

Or maybe she felt terrible because she failed him. Matthias teased her like siblings do, but he loved her. He was always protecting her and sticking his neck out for her, and the one time he needed to be helped or saved, she couldn’t. Logic told her that this wasn’t her fault. The back of her neck had been set on fire, and although she tucked and rolled, the pain still caused her to pass out. But logic was never louder than her guilt. Why didn’t she fight through the pain? Why didn’t she stay awake? 

Why did she let him down?

Might delete later, idk

[crowley-in-arkham]

To say I wore the flannel well would be a joke worth telling. I never entirely notice how much smaller I am than other people. I'm used to looking up, I suppose.

I was drowning in flannel fabric, sleeves draped down over my hands and the shirt was long. I rolled the sleeves up to where I could use my hands. I sat in Crane's office with my hair still damp. I was curled under an itchy wool blanket.

I sat on a cold brown leather couch, back to a bookcase, and a fair distance from Crane's desk. His set up was nearly identical to my own, the lights just dimmed significantly and an empty birdcage sat where my safe would usually be.

Crane sat on the other side of the couch, leaned haphazardly over the arm, his legs crossed and his posture open towards me. A book sat perched in long thin fingers as blue eyes ran over it's contents.

I fumbled with the edge of a blanket.

Crane cleared his throat and chuckled, snapping the book shut between his fingers, "Sorry to deny you a coffee, hun. I just don't think you should consume caffeine right now. Water?"

I shook my head.

"A'ight," he leaned forward and placed the book on the coffee table. He opened his posture towards me, "You wanna talk?"

I stared at him and moved closer to him, "Yeah, yeah. I'll talk."

"How's your cat, anything new?"

"He's fine, been finding massive rats outside my bedroom door."

"Sounds like he's taken to Gotham."

"I was worried he wouldn't."

Jon chuckled, "Felt that way about Craw. How about your family?"

"The old man is still a worried mess about my being here, always had been. Haven't spoken to my brother in about a year and a half."

"Is that typical?"

"Usually, for as close as we are, we don't talk much."

"I see," Jon pulled a drawer open under the coffee table and plucked out a notepad and a pen, "How's that make you feel?"

I chuckled, "Therapy with Dr. Jonathan Crane?"

"I s'pose you can say that."

"It makes me--" I stopped for a moment, gripping the blanket, "I think-- angry? Frustrated."

"Now, why's that?"

"It's a new feeling, usually I'm pretty lenient with him. I think it's because I view his priorities as flawed."

"Oh? Go on."

"He prioritizes this-- romantic love over his ties with his family."

"Well, Mina, why do you think that is?"

I bit my bottom lip and squeezed the blanket around me, "He's afraid of being confronted by the reality of our broken home-- and instead of confronting that fear, he scapegoats blame onto our parents."

"Tell me about your "broken home," Mina."

"My mother walked out on us before I could remember her. My father was a soldier with commitment issues. My father worked active duty, so I never saw him, usually jumping home to home with caretakers, or staying locked in my house with a stepmother or one of my father's girlfriends."

I sighed, "I used to hate my brother for knowing what a family was like."

"Let's explore that unstable home environment," Jon said, sipping at his cup of coffee, "do you remember where the Carrion distinction began?"

I averted my eyes, and tightened the blanket around me, "I do."

"Could you tell me?"

I moved closer to Jon, resting my palm on his knee, pawing little lines into his pants with the tips of my fingers as I recounted the experience.

"One of my father's partners had kids, two boys. I must've been five or six at the time, it's a hazy memory." I continued to run circles on Jon's knee, "We got into some kind of fight, her youngest and I-- he was just shy of a year older than me. I was a small kid, so, I couldn't do much when he pinned me to the floor."

I felt tears well up in my eyes, "He pinned my elbows up on each side of my head with his knees, and clamped his hands around my throat."

I began to shake, rubbing Jon's leg with my sweat covered palm.

"I remember seeing my brother watching. Didn't do a damn thing, boy was petrified. The second my assailants' grip on me loosened up I snapped. I can't remember what happened."

I gripped Jon's knee and sniffled, "I just remember prying skin and blood out of my nails for the next couple of weeks."

Jon tilted his head, "is this the only time Carrion ever took control?"

"No."

"Would you like to tell me about that?"

"Had to do with my old church, they thought my mental illness was some kind of demon. Held me down and tossed holy water on me until I stopped crying."

Jon let out a light chuckle, "damned religious types. You're real open about this Mina."

I sighed a shaky breath, "The trust was pre-established, like what Jeremiah said when I first came here."

"Unorthodox idea on his part, but there a reason doctors don't treat people they know."

"Conflict of interest, I know."

"Yes'm," Jon nodded. He gave me a look I couldn't quite place with those drooping eyes of his, "Mina, you said the boy choked you, right?"

I nodded, then flinched, as Jon lifted his hand.

"I promise I ain't gonna hurt ya," Jon said in a soft tone as his fingers pushed back my hair and touched the pads of his fingers to my neck gently, where he'd once grabbed hard before.

"You a'ight, with me doin this?"

I gave a slow nod, leaning slightly into his palm.

"I'm sorry for what I did a few weeks ago." His fingers gently dipped behind my neck and drew me towards him, "Ya scared of me?"

I nodded again, this time averting my gaze from his.

"Mina," I heard a low tone rumble in his throat before he pulled his hand away.

"I think we oughta shift gears," he stood up rather hastily, the couch springing up with his sudden absence, "Water? Sweet tea?"

I blinked, looking up at him from my seat on the couch, which his eyes darted away from as he neared the mini-fridge by his desk.

"Sweet tea, please."

He let out a chuckle, "Some things ain't never change about you, do they?"

"What do you mean?"

"Used to bring sweet tea to my class every day, don't reckon I've ever seen you drink anything else."

"Water, probably."

He laughed, "Mhm, in your office. Only if Tetch was in there though."

I smiled, "He hates the idea."

Jon rolled his eyes, "Lil hatfucker treats it like murder."

I furrowed my brows and leaned back towards where I originally sat; "You see why he doesn't like you, right?"

Jon sat the duet of glasses on the table and sat back down, "Ya think I give a hot damn what Jervis thinks 'bout me?"

"I suppose not," I huffed amusedly, picking up the glass and taking a sip, "what about Edward?"

"What about Edward?"

"What you think of him and Harvey? You haven't punched either of them so it can't be that bad."

Jon raised a brow, "I tolerate em."

"Harsh," I chuckled, "but that's how you are."

"Now wha's that supposed ta mean?"

"I don't think you like anyone," I chuckled, drawing my legs to my chest, and adding mockingly; "Professor Crane doesn't like any of his students."

"'Cept one."

"Yeah?"

"Think you're a'ight."

"Just alright?"

"Don't get yer hopes up, hun."

"Never did, Jonny."

He raised a brow at me, "Jonny, huh? Been hangin' out with Harley?"

I chuckled, "I think it's cute."

"Shut up."

Jon leaned back into the couch and sighed, "I'm bringin' you home tonight."

I tilted my head, "What? Why?"

"Ion trust your hallucinatin' ass drivin', yer outta yer damn mind," He sipped his tea, crossing his legs like before, "I'm takin' ya home, and I'm unna stay at your apartment; ya gotta couch, dontcha? I can't keep ya in Arkham, but I wanna keep an eye on you since you could be a danger to yerself or someone else."

"Off the record?"

He scoffed, "like rogue to rogue, Mina. Welcome to Arkham Asylum."

[uzyplus]

1. December - 0:05 Rewrite+ VN There will surely be spoilers and I'm not gonna mark any of them, as this is more of a diary rather than anything.

At last, we're here. How long has it even been since I first started it? I watched the anime around December of 2017, probably picking the VN not that long after. The date would fall back to when I was still a first year, at most around the second year of high school. It took me five and a half years to read it from the start to the end. Truly impressive, a new personal best. Back in those years, I'd used to have my HDDs fail on me all the time, being my fault for using old shady ones, that I dug up from whoever knows where, and thanks to that I was reluctant to pick the game back up due to the lost progress. Little did I know that "progress" was in reality just the tip of the story, I'd reckon not even 1/5 into the common route.

Well, part of why it took me so long is that I'd feel embarrassed watching anime or playing related games when people could see what I was doing. At first, I had a room all to myself, with the desk placed next to the door, hidden from the line of sight. Later I'd change the position of the table, which looking back on the room layout, I'm not sure why I went with the most visible spot, but that doesn't matter, as I started playing osu! a lot anyway, forgetting Rewrite even existed. Lastly, I swapped rooms with my sister and now had to share with my brother, who's quite a bit annoying, so I stopped a lot of anime-related things altogether.

And so one afternoon I decided to give the game another go. Thanks to mainly using a laptop (Legion 5 Pro 16ACH6H), I could just sit on the bed, playing without being interrupted or anyone watching my screen. The starting date is 7.2.2022, about a week after the end of the exam period with one more week to go until the next semester. I had great fun with the common route, playing it for a big chunk of time for the next 5 days, and so school started and gameplay stopped.

Taking a look at the saves, looks like there were roughly 11 hours to go, which I then got done a whopping 7 months later, entering Kotori's route on 3.9.2022. And guess what? The next save is from August the next year :kekw: Classic Uzy, what a guy, batshit insane.

Just a bit of an observation beforehand, I just skimmed through the Rewrite first season of the anime, I must say, whatever drugs they were on while making it, I need to get my hands on some of that. To fit all of the routes into such a short time and on top of that to make up so much story that's nothing like the VN, wow, that sure takes a skill or something. I wonder what was going on with me more though, I didn't remember anything at all, so much info that was crucial in the VN, yet when reading it I didn't recall any of it.

But now seriously, from then on I played the game actively, until school started, finally finishing in small increments in late November. The first route I got was Kotori's. My memories at this point are a bit too hazy, having read it more than a year ago. Ranking it, I would have to say it was my least favorite, I found it very saddening, the burden and overall depression. I genuinely felt bad reading the story, seeing how there was no hope for a happy end. Being the first route, I went with Kotori on most selections, because of how fun it was seeing her always cheerful and so carefree, only to then see the opposite. As the first route, it left an impression on me, that all the routes in this stage will be nothing, but pain, displaying that there is no hope in them, but in contrast, the rest were so much better thanks to it. Out of all the stories, I somehow remembered the way Kagari dies here rather vividly from the anime. So strange that I'd remember a 3-minute section of S2E1 despite totally blanking on the rest, but oh well.

Some common story skipping later, I decided to pick Shizuru's route next, however consequently picking Lucia over her. I loved everything about it, just how I hated all of it. The story was a wild ride, making me overly happy the one moment, just to shatter everything the next. I simply wanted Lucia's story to go no way, but great, always thinking the story was finally reaching its end when things were beautiful and peaceful. Lucia made for a wonderful romance heroine, I genuinely wish to read more of Key's works that are focused on that later, but alas, I forgot to grab them during the Authumn same. There isn't a lot that can be said about this route than that. If only Kotarou wasn't such a dork, if only Lucia wasn't so easily manipulated or perhaps the story pulled some miracle. Anyway, in the end, I found the story very satisfactory, Kotaro and Lucia are together, despite all the complications, what more could I ask for? As far as the routes go, this one would be the most impactful. I was always either so happy or unfortunate, so much so that I had to brag a lot about it to my friend. Despite not being as informative as some other routes, I will look back on this one a lot more.

Next up Shizuru. First thing first, during the common route, I enjoyed her interactions a lot, leaving behind way too many saves of her and even more screenshots. I don't have a lot to say about this route. The change of storytelling was nice, Kotarou having lost his memories and slowly regaining them, and the story progressing from that viewpoint. Overall the route was quite calming and easygoing in contrast to the previous, Lucia's. It also introduced Chihaya's standing, which made me excited for her story. I'm not sure whether this was the route where I got to see Gil and Pani, probably. I was honestly amused when I saw them. What goofy ahh hell are these creatures?? I had a great laugh, I didn't expect them, I remembered nothing from the anime, what a joke. The two were a great addition to the story, I truly had fun interacting with them. Also one more thing, Miss. Nishikujou's voice when speaking in a happy tone, man I need more of that in my life, truly healing.

And now it's time for Chihaya. Other than Akane, I still have her fresh in my memory, since I played the majority of it just this week. In the early stages, I'd say I liked her the least out of all the characters. There was a certain front-facing sprite of her that I didn't like looking at for whatever reason, but overall I'm not sure why I disliked her character in the first place. My opinion changed to the point where I’m having a hard time deciding whether her route was my most favorite or not. Tennouji developed quite a bit in the previous 3 routes, but it was here, where I recognized his as well as the others' development the most. Instead of coming out as a foolish kid, who had his mind still focused on getting the club back together, he was now more focused on protecting the girl he had left, while still keeping his ideals, as can be seen later in the abandoned church. The story put him through hardships, which with help he conquered and built character. With Midow's message always on his mind, he was aware of the consequences of his actions and was therefore more serious. Other than Kotarou, I got to like Sakuya a lot. At first, I viewed him as an obstacle, always managing to one-up Kotarou in certain situations, I just couldn't see them ever coming to friendly terms, which made me cherish the relationship between them all so much more. The story was very informative, it led me to understand the path Kotarou will take in the Terra route, due to the similarities between him and Sakuya, and overall the end was happy.

At this point, there was one thing that however bothered me quite a bit. I'm not one to mind small details a lot, I mean if it's convenient for the story then so be it, but the fact that it made a big deal about Kotarou almost bleeding to death, because his old wound opened after Kagari is gone in Kotori's route not being reflected in the other routes did bother me. I didn't notice any other major disparities, a lot of the differences in the stories can be written off as Moon Kagari setting different variables for that individual branch, but it's just that one part that bothered me a bit.

And so we're at the door of the grand finale. At this point, I was getting pretty curious about my reading speed, but unfortunately, I haven't tracked the time I started for one of the days, so I could do that only in the final routes. Would you believe me when I say that I currently cannot recall absolutely anything about the route despite finishing it just 3 days ago? The route seems to be blending in a bit with the Terra, due to taking so much place in the Gaia environment. Let's see. Tennouji's character was very enjoyable in this one. Being able to let all the frustration out and steadily getting over his childish self was a refreshing sight. He was able to sully his hands with blood to fight for the one he loved, Akane. A whole new perspective overall, thanks to the story progressing way further, surpassing the timelines of all the other routes. I felt the downward spiral of events towards the end, but I was still surprised and fooled. I expected Akane to simply give up, I thought that was the end of the road, the Holy Woman steps down, the spiritual branch of the Martel Group disbands and leaves with a happy ever after. Except we got the song of Destruction, not quite the same thing, but it turned out quite the same I guess. I was more than happy to see Yoshino once again, seriously, it's characters like him, Sakuya, and Mr. Esaka I am really happy to interact with. As for the end, Kotarou forces Akane to live to repent her life for everyone she killed, I feel like I've heard those lines somewhere. Either the anime managed to fit those words in it, or it appeared in some other anime at some point in time. In the end, we got our happily ever after, an ending I can get behind.

If I were to order the routes by how much I liked each of them, then I wouldn't be able to do so on a ranking system. I certainly liked Kotori's route the least and Chihaya's probably a bit more than the rest, but in the end, all of the stories were different, good in their own ways, and bad in others.

I'll quickly jump over the Moon route, I remember a lot about it from the anime and I feel like it was adapted very faithfully to the VN. I found a few places that clarified things I missed in the anime, but nothing major. For some reason, my recollection of the events of Season 2 of Rewrite is very good unlike Season 1. I spent in total 169-minutes on the Moon route, which at 4044 lines (data from https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/boards/2000121-anime-and-manga-other-titles/65843636) is about 23-24 lines per minute. A number that is pretty close to my estimation of 25 which I got a while back when I counted how many I could read in one minute. By this calculation, the whole game should've taken me about 72 hours, which it certainly didn't, but it's nice to know that my reading speed is around average. Terra took 445 minutes, 24.7 lines/minute.

As for the Terra route, I too remembered a big chunk of it from the anime, but a lot less. I didn't remember how Tennoji got to the Guardian training camp, only that he was there as well as some of the people he interacted with there. I'm pretty sure I knew about Imamiya, but not so much Nishikujou. Seeking her not happy makes me very sad :<, happily that got fixed around the half :>. Another thing is that I didn't realize for a while that the kids Kotarou saved were the ones from Chihaya's route. I only remembered Midow by name and only confirmed my hunch in the end scenes where I saw them next to Jasmine. I also didn't remember at all what the way Kotarou approached escalating the conflict between Gaia and Guardian, only that he was a double agent and messed them up from the inside. And lastly the ending. Getting there made me extremely happy, it's been a long journey and I'm glad I embarked on it. There's only one remark, for me, the ending scene in the VN couldn't possibly compare to the end in the anime. Come on, I'm just a dude brought up on watching Disney and whatnot romance movies, in which case the VN end felt a bit bland. I'm not one for deeper messages, nor digging any lore up or open endings, I simply yearn for a nice kiss end scene that I can look back to and remind myself of the story I went through.

One last thing, unfortunately, I wasn't able to port the cracked game's saves to the full game after I bought it due to some format conflict, so I had to finish it up on the cracked version, guess I'll never know whether there's any difference between the two. My Steam at this point is a graveyard of games I played cracked, then bought afterward, just to never put a single hour on, ~sigh~, guess I'll have to change that in the future.

I'm unsure what to read next, I still have WorldEnd EX to read and then pick up the unofficial translations, thanks to Yen Press never picking the SukaMoka and after that, I have Planetarian ready, which was another anime I really loved, so I'm super excited for it. Next on my list would Little Busters or Summer Pockets, but well, those will wait, mostly because I forgot to grab them during the Steam sale, and being a former FGO player, I'm really good at waiting, so no worries. Chances are, even if I had the games, I wouldn't pick them up for the next 5 years.

But that's really all from me. For this entry one picture simply won't cut it, so let me find a few of my favorites in the screenshots. Also, 2500 words, let's go.

[colbyflask]

oops - a prelude

so i literally made this blog(?) three months and ten days ago and then never touched it again, in classic me fashion. Isn't that hilarious?? in the time since then, I got laid off from my job (exactly two months ago!!), I saw paramore in concert, flew to a city that is 3 hours away by car to dog-sit (the flight was 30 minutes - yes i am in my taylor swift era), and went to a wedding. these are probably the most life-altering things that happened to me in those three months. that's literally a whole fiscal quarter, I think. but this blog (again - is that what this is???) isn't about that. it's about me listening to music.

The only things I have turned on for my ear holes to listen to since February (how tf do you spell that??) are paramore and gorillaz (and the new fall out boy album but not as extensively). i do not think i am emotionally ready to capture the perfection that is paramore's discography in my dum dum words, so i want to start with gorillaz (since their music is kind of what kickstarted this whole writing experiment tbh).

when I started this thing, I think I had only listened to 3 of their seven albums. That number is now up to five. My initial plan was to go song-by-song on their self titled album, but I'm not going to do that anymore (like I will eventually, but that's not what I want to start with). I have now decided that I will start with what I'm currently listening to - the now now. That's such a funny name for an album (and is also why I didn't listen to it for a while LOL).

I want to tell you (yes, you - the person reading this) how I even started listening to gorillaz (also my brother and I have a joke where we call them "the gorillaz" but then we say it in funny voice so every time I type it, that's what I'm thinking of). I want to say I've always been aware of them (or at least their music, not necessarily their lore or concept). Clint Eastwood would come on one of the radio stations I would listen to in high school pretty often, and I had heard Feel Good Inc. at some point throughout the years. I absolutely saw people wearing the demon days shirts. While I enjoyed the music when we crossed paths, I never really dug any deeper. I do have a faint memory of checking out their music videos and being a bit put off by the animation (I think it was 2-D's eyes that creeped me out) and kind of put it on the back burner until last year (in hindsight, it was probably for the best that I didn't start listening until I was an adult because I would've been absolutely insufferable with it). also - the animation/art style has really grown on me. It fits with who the characters are, and I love how it's evolved since their conception.

The beginning is a little hazy, but I know it started with hearing Clint Eastwood again on the radio. It was as if the spirit of Del possessed me - after that, I had it on repeat on Spotify. I have this thing where I don't like to not know the words of songs (it might be fall out boy trauma, or maybe it's the lingering of perfectionism I like to say I've gotten over but totally haven't), and I listened to it over and over until I got most of the words down. I peeped over to their artist page, and did the same exact thing with Feel Good Inc. (it's quite honestly one of my favorite singles of all time and I have yet to get sick of it). I think I also listened to dirty harry a few times because of that one tiktok trend with the outfits (I hate how central tiktok is to this because I like to think I am not online as much as I am, but alas, here I am). This is the part where it gets hazy - Cracker Island (the song). I could not tell you how or when I first heard it (it was probably a youtube tiktok short), but when I did, I was absolutely obsessed. It was one of those rare moments where an artist captures so much of what you like on a single track. I wanted more, but I (stupidly) didn't seek it out.

Last year, Spotify wrapped did a silly goofy thing where your favorite/most listened to artists (that recorded a video) would popup and say "hey thanks for listening this year." Scrolling through mine made sense, until I saw a weird looking green man on my screen. Although I had only listened to like four songs, I listened enough to have gorillaz say thank you to me at the end of the year (and to promote their new album, of course). This is one of the few times where I feel like the word flabbergasted really describes my true emotion - first of all, had I really listened enough to make this green dude appear?? Second, who IS this green dude?? Third, WHY IS HE BRITISH??? If you're curious, this is the video in question. Knowing what I know now, this was honestly perfect marketing. It fits in SO well with what the band is and what their newest art is conveying. I showed this video to people and was like "what in the world IS this??" and then we laughed - we laughed into the new year.

And into the new year we went. Cracker Island came out sometime in February (that's kind of an iconic month for me now, huh?), and I could not tell you when I decided to listen to the whole thing. I don't remember if it was that month or in March, but boy am I glad I listened to it. Part of the appeal to me was it's name - why is this song and album called cracker island??? I had to figure that out (and whether or not I found out will be revealed in that review...).

After watching the two music videos for Cracker Island, I began to have questions. Who were these four people that composed this band? What's their story?? Why do they look like that?? Who is really making this music??? What in the world was happening in the Cracker Island and Silent Running music videos??? Who is this green guy and why did he kiss that old lady??? Luckily for me, this video popped up in my YouTube recommended and began to unravel some of the mystery. By the end of it, I was hooked. I wanted to know the history behind these four strangers. I wanted to know how all of this worked. And that's how I started listening to Gorillaz.

The first thing I had to figure out what everyone's name was - it took me a little bit to sort out the names and their instrumental roles (the green guy is called Murdoc??? and he was replaced by that guy from the Powerpuff Girls for an album??? what??? who is Paula Cracker??). I scoured wikipedia, read their brief character biographies, and had more questions than answers. What the hell is a phase??? Noodle shipped herself in a Fedex box?? why is there a 7 year gap between albums??? how did they make these albums???

tangent here - I used to play guitar hero as a kid (who didn't??) and on one of my favorite songs to play was song 2 by blur on bass. it took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out that the singer of blur was the same dude from the gorillaz. like, I think I figured it out last year. what the heck. anyway it's one of my favorite fun facts.

In my research, I learned of the importance of an album called Plastic Beach. From YouTube comments to Wikipedia reviews, I deduced that it's their magnum opus. As a result, I decided I wanted to save that album for last. The listening order for the rest of them was a bit more variable. Here's what my listening order is/likely to be.

Demon Days (2005): after seeing it on so many shirts (that's a joke - it's because it was the album with feel good inc. and dirty harry), I figured I start off strong with this one. I 100% made the right choice

The Fall (2010): in my research i learned that this was a weird one, and I was too scared to start with anything else. I was bored at work (back when I still had a job lol) and put it on in the background. I still need more time with it, but it's still pretty solid. More to come.

Gorillaz (2001): This album is so fun - and it's also the only physical album I own. It was also the album I was jamming through when I decided to start this blog. I have notes written down for this one, so I'm looking forward to writing about her.

Humanz (2017): The album art on this one creeped me out (why does Murdoc look like john lennon) but the music is spectacular. I'm excited to write about this one.

The Now Now (2018): My current listen - I'll be writing about this one first!!

Song Machine (2020): One of two albums I have yet to listen to - is this even considered an album?? Like I know it is, but the song conglomeration is a little confusing to me, so I'm hoping I can figure out how to listen to it.

Plastic Beach (2010): I'm so afraid that this isn't going to live up to the hype I'm building up in my mind. But I'm also so looking forward to listening - rhinestone eyes is a provoking song that i could listen to forever and I'm anxiously anticipating listening to its relatives. I love a good concept album, and I think this is what that's supposed to be.

I'm leaving out some of the peripheral tracks (think the d-sides and laika come home) for the time being. Maybe they'll be the epilogue to this little project. I'm hoping to get this listening party done before the year is over - ideally before december. The majority of the past seven years, my top artist has been another british band that starts with a G, but this is the year they're ultimately dethroned (there was a year where a certain band that I will not name took top billing, but we're not going to talk about that because they're supposedly retired and I don't want to write about them).

I think this concludes our little prelude here - I wrote so much. It absolutely is not proofread, and i'm not starting everything out capitalized. it's not intentional or purposeful - I just didn't feel like hitting shift all the time. Until next time - I'll see you on The Now Now.

'-V

August 15, 2023

[jellyfishright]

At A Distance, Spring Is Green -BL Version (Yeo Jun x Nam Soo Hyun)-Chapter 15 : The fruit of your sacrifice

"Jun Wan." a bruised Yeo Jun sat up in his bed

"Yeo Jun." Jun Wan perched himself on the side of the bed, his voice serious.

"Why are you calling me like that?" Yeo Jun was scared "Just call me Jun."

"Listen to me very carefully.From now on, you are on your own. You don't have a mom or a dad."

"why not?" Jun was confused.

"They're not your parents."

"Jun Wan." Yeo Jun's confusion was deepening. "But I have you."

"No. You have no one." Jun Wan replied.

"Why are you being like this?" Yeo Jun asked. "You're scaring me." He held on to his brother's hand.

"Don't tell anyone what happened today." Jun Wan cautioned. "Forget everything." He peeled his hands away from his little brother's and hastily left.

"No." Yeo Jun began to cry "Don't go.! Jun Wan!"

Yeo Jun crawled out of bed and headed quietly to Jun Wan's room. When his little legs finally reached the door he peeked inside.

Even without looking he could hear his brother crying inside.

"I'm so sorry Jun." Jun Wan was curled in a ball in the corner, as his tears flowed. "Jun. I'm sorry."

A thousand realizations dawned on Yeo Jun all at once.He'd been wrong.

"Jun." Soo Hyun approached him as he stood in a daze. "Are you alright?"

"Soo Hyun." Jun looked at him

"Yes. What is it?"

Jun's eyes were glassy with tears "Maybe my memories are wrong. It scares me."

"Are you afraid of finding out the truth?" Soo Hyun asked.

"No." Jun took a deep breath "I want to know."

"Then find out." Soo Hyun encouraged. "If you fix things now, you can start over."

Yeo Jun nodded. "I'm going to go back." he told Soo Hyun.

Soo Hyun patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Go."

Without hesitation, Yeo Jun took off, heading back to Seoul. As he was transported, those once hazy, distorted memories became clearer and clearer and for the first time since he was child, he could see the truth. The one who'd scared him, beat him, traumatized him so much was not his older brother...

"Dad." the name rolled off his tongue absentmindedly as he saw that face as clear as day.

Why do I have to go through this because of you?

Why?

You're crying? 

How dare you cry?

Those memories of his father's abuse floated back to him one after the other.

"It wasn't you?" Yeo Jun asked his brother as they both stood on the bridge, overlooking the expansive lake. "The person who hit me that day.It wasn't you?" Jun Wan was silent. "Tell me." Jun demanded.

"It was Dad." his brother admitted.

"It was Dad. Not you?"

Jun Wan turned to face him. "Yes. It was dad."

"Then why did you do that?" A shell shocked Jun asked. He grabbed the lapels of his brother's coat "Why haven't you said anything all this time?" he shouted.

"I'm your brother." Jun Wan replied.

Tears pricked Yeo Jun's eyes "You should have atleast not made me hate you. You should have atleast been someone I could lean on."

"I'm sorry." His brother apologized. Yeo Jun's heart ached as he slowly released his brother's clothes. "The only way to protect you from him was to live the life that he wanted.It's why I didn't have the time to check in on you or to acknowledge your hardship."

"Why did you live that way?" Yeo Jun asked. "What was it all for?"

"We're all given a role in life." Jun Wan replied. "I devoted myself to the life I chose and will keep on doing so.This is my calling which has nothing to do with you.You go ahead and live for yourself.Freely."

"It's a freedom that's the fruit of your sacrifice." Jun pointed out, a hard lump in his throat.

"I'm fine with it." his brother told him. "Let me take you home." he began to walk away

"Thank you." Yeo Jun said after his brother had taken two steps "For finally telling me the truth." Tears began rolling down his eyes. He had been so wrong, for so many years. He had hated his brother so vehemently for so much of his life when in truth, his brother had done everything for his sake---- just to protect him. The truth was much too bitter.

It was late when Soo Hyun got home.Unlike the others who'd decided to spend overnight at the villa with the Professors he wanted to be back home, with him.

"Why are you back" A surprised Jun greeted Soo Hyun.

"I should sleep at home shouldn't I?"

"Did everyone else make it back?" Jun asked.

Soo Hyun shook his head. "Just me."

"I'm glad I didn't ruin it for everyone."

Soo Hyun shrugged. "Who cares. How are you? Did the talk go well?"

"Are you actually asking me first?" Jun smiled at him. "I'm touched."

Soo Hyun looked over Jun's shoulder, to the balcony. "Over there. I'd like to check it out."

Jun smiled at him and nodded. "Sure. Let's do that."

A few minutes later, the two sat side by side, looking up at the night sky.

"As a boy, I told everyone I was an only child."

"Why?" Soo Hyun looked at him.

"Because I hated my brother." Jun sighed. "It was of no use though. Despite the big age gap, people still knew me as Yeo Jun-Wan's little brother.I was always compared to the model student.I saw a brother that other people saw, but that wasn't the real him." He paused. "Then one day he said this. That I didn't have a family.No brother and no parents.I don't know why he said that or what went through his mind as he lived on.I just don't get it."

Soo Hyun sighed. "At first, I didn't get you at all either."

"Likewise." Jun agreed, looking at him.

"Why was spending money so easy for you? Why were you  flashing  fake smiles at people? And why did you keep bothering me?"

"Meanwhile you were prickly, only had complaints about the world and were annoyed by me when others loved me."

Soo Hyun smiled and nodded in agreement. "I was annoyed by you." His smile didn't leave. "Some thing about you still get on my nerves."

Jun hmphed. "Likewise." 

They looked at each other.

"Maybe there will come a day when you and your brother will reminisce about your past like we're doing right now."

"Will that day easily come?"

"Yes." Soo Hyun replied confidently. "I'm sure it will."

Yeo Jun sighed. That lump was back in his throat and he was trying not to cry.

"So." he turned to Soo Hyun. "What about me annoys you?"

"Do you have all night?" Soo Hyun asked, getting up.

"What are they?" Jun walked after him "Just name three then. You annoy me in lots of ways too you know."

"I'm sure I do." Soo Hyun left him behind.

The next day

"Soo Hyun. Wait." Jun grabbed Soo Hyun's hand as he was walking out the door. "Let me come with you. Give me five minutes though."

Soo Hyun rolled his eyes.

Jun looked at him. "Is that really how you're leaving the house?"

Soo Hyun looked at himself and then nodded. "Why?"

"I see you didn't get much sleep last night." Jun folded his arms, inspecting Soo Hyun's face.

"Actually I did." Soo Hyun denied his claim.

A stubborn Jun shook his head and grabbed a hold of Soo Hyun. "Come over here." he attempted to lead him to his room.

Soo Hyun refused, leaning his weight back. "But I'm late."

"Come..on.." Jun pulled with both hands and leading him off.

"Darn. You're strong." Soo Hyun observed as he was led to Jun's room.

"Follow me in here." Jun stopped him infront of the mirror. "Frowning like that will give you wrinkles."

Soo Hyun sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Apply it on yourself." Jun handed him a face product

"I already have." Soo Hyun replied.

"Trust me will you?" Jun was still being stubborn. "Should I lend you a hand?" he raised a brow.

Soo Hyun swallowed. "I'll do it." he grabbed it. He looked at Jun. "How do I use this?"

"Under the eyes."

Jun watched as he complied.

"Above the lips" he instructed.

Soo Hyun obeyed.

"And your neck."

Soo Hyun also did that under Jun's watchful eye.

"Happy Now?" Soo Hyun asked Jun begrudgingly when he was done.

Jun smiled at him  and took his chin between his index and forefinger, turning his face this way and that as though to inspect it.

Soo Hyun's heartbeat increased at Jun's touch. He looked at him and swallowed hard.

Yeo Jun looked at Soo Hyun's lips briefly before pulling his eyes upward. "It's good. Now you're glowing.You look good."

"I'm leaving." Soo Hyun was ready to make a hasty retreat.

"While you stay here. I'll iron out your frown and your personality." Jun called after him with a smile as he left.

"Who here has a role model they can look up to as a leader?" Professor Song addressed her class.

Yeo Jun raised his hand.

"Jun. I didn't know you were in my class." Professor Song was surprised by the hand that was raised.

"Well your reputation speaks for itself." Yeo Jun replied "So I snuck in today even though I am a freshman.Is that okay?"

Professor Song smiled. "That's commendable. So tell me. Who is your role model ?"

"In my case, it's Soo Hyun." Jun pointed a hand in Nam Soo Hyun's direction.

The entire class was shocked.

Soo Hyun turned in his seat to look at Yeo Jun.

"Soo Hyun?" Professor Song was curious. "What about him made you think that way?"

Soo Hyun looked at Jun as though he wanted to shut him up before he spoke another one.

Jun looked at him with a teasing defiance. "He does not lean on others nor does he care about being popular. He couldn't care less about what others think of him." Soo Hyun wanted to disappear. What was he saying right now? 

"How can that alone make him a good leader though?" the teacher probed

It was Kim So-Bin who chimed in next, raising her hand. "He's the same inside and out." she added. Soo Hyun spun now to look at her. Were she and Jun in cahoots? "He tries to keep his words at all times and he's responsible.His qualities make others want to depend on him."

The rest of the class listened in stunned silence. Were these two talking about the UP? Nam Soo Hyun?

Professor Park smiled. "And here I thought you only got good grades." she said to Soo Hyun. "Soo Hyun." Nam Soo Hyun's head shot up. "I'm seeing you in a new light."

Soo Hyun's face flushed red as he eyed Yeo Jun and Kim So-Bin.

The minute their class ended he accosted them.

"You two.What do you want from me?"

They both looked at him.

"I'm just fond of you." Yeo Jun replied

"Me too." So-Bin echoed.

Soo Hyun looked from one to the other in exasperation. "Could you two keep the fondness to yourselves and just leave me out of it?"

Jun and So-Bin laughed as they watched a flustered Soo Hyun walk down the hall.

"He's blushing hard." Jun commented.

"Mn." So-Bin agreed, walking to catch up to their friend.

Their next session was with Professor Park and since Soo Hyun had sped ahead of them, he arrived first, sitting in his usual seat.

So-Bin had to make a stop first so Jun headed in alone.

The minute he sat down, Gung-Ho called out to him. He spun in his seat.

"Jun. We're good right? Chun-Guk that jerk! I don't know what's wrong with him. He has crossed the line big time."

"I was against him calling your friend." Sang Tae added his piece. "Don't think we're just as bad."

"Are you cutting ties with him?" Jun asked "You guys were close."

"Not me." Sang Tae denied it. "Besides. We're the ones who told Young Ran where to find the room."

"Ahhh..I see." Jun spun around in his seat.

"We almost got lumped in with Chun-Guk." Sange Tae complained under his breath.

"Traitor." Gung-Ho accused in a low voice

"And you're not? "Jun overheard the whole exchange between the two but chose to ignore it.They weren't his friends.

So-Bin arrived and took her usual seat beside Jun with Professor Park following closely on her heels to begin the class.

"What kind of assignments do you find the hardest to do?" Professor Park opened when he arrived in class. "I'm thinking about considering your answers for next semester's assignments."

"Team projects." the class shouted in unison.

"Why do you hate team projects?" Professor Park asked. "Isn't it better to work in a group?"

"I hate it." Gung-Ho was very vocal 

"After team projects, I found myself hating people more and more." Hye-Jie added her own reply. "And now I believe that we were born evil."

Professor Park took another taste of his lollipop. "Right. That's too bad then.In that case. Let me give you another simple assignment.Write about how you felt about the recent team project.Fill in an entire A4 page in font size ten. You can't live in this world on your own.I'm sure you've learned something important by working in a team and cooperating."

With that announcement, their class began.

Their session was over within the hour and the trio exited together. Soo Hyun in the middle, flanked by So-Bin and Yeo Jun.

They'd just made their way down the short flight of stairs outside the main building when they were approached by someone.

"Soo Hyun.Can you spare me a moment?" Mi-Ju asked.

"Uh.." Soo Hyun hesitated.

So-Bin elbowed him

Soo Hyun sighed and agreed. "Sure."

Jun bit his lip as he watched them go.

"She really does like him hmm?" He commented

"Seems so." So-Bin replied. "What about you?"

"What about me what?" Jun asked.

"Do you like him?"

Jun furrowed his brow. "Wha? Why would you ask that?"

So-Bin looked at him. "You just seem a little..different around him."

"Different? Different how?" 

A teasing smile bloomed on So-Bin's face. "Like someone with a crush."

Yeo Jun scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Is it that obvious?"

So-Bin laughed. "No. Not really but I see it sometimes when you look at him." He looked to where Soo Hyun and Mi-Ju had walked off into the distance. "Why don't you tell him?"

"I did." Jun confessed. "But I'm not sure he believes me."

So-Bin nodded. "I see.Well you should make him believe you."

"How?" Yeo Jun asked.

"You're the great Yeo Jun." she smiled at him. "I'm sure you will think of something."

[synonymroll648]

Drink water bud

bc just how much my throat hurts depends on how much water i drink (more water = less pain), i've been drinking plenty, dw :)

[spaceandfiction]

How Old is Castiel?

The angel of Thursday is old. Like old old. But fanworks often disagree as to exactly how old 'old' really is. This is understandable, as the show itself is very nebulous about what was going on in pre-biblical times and added more information about the past, some contradictory to pre-existing information, up until its final few episodes. Our friend Cas could be thousands or hundreds of thousands of years old, perhaps even millions or billions. Allow me to answer the question 'how old is Castiel' in the rambling post to follow, which is pointless but ultimately amusing to myself and potentially to others

In the beloved episode "The Man Who Would Be King," Cas describes a variety of memories he's had over his long life, including the line

"I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach and an older brother saying,

[GIF: don't step on that fish Castiel, big plans for that fish.]

This means that in the universe of Supernatural, evolution took place. Somehow, though, the biblical Garden of Eden and its inhabitants were also real. And not just as the first chosen people of God, or some other cop-out. Season 15 makes it clear Adam is considered the first man, period. Cain, of hair fame, even appears on the show to tell us Cas is Dean's Colette

[GIF: Cain says "then you kill the angel, Castiel. Now that one- that I suspect would hurt something awful"]

That has nothing to do with Castiel's age I just think it's fun. Anyway, if we're going to try to synthesize these two things I think we have to look back to Genesis. Obviously, biblical literalism will get us nowhere close to answering this question. I'm not a religious scholar so things are about to get a bit hazy, but I used an online version of the bible to refresh my memory of chapter one of Genesis. I think if we're going to try and use biblical sources to help us here let's all agree that a "day" in the biblical sense is a period of time stretching for however long that evolutionary process might have taken. God created these things, but he used the regular scientific properties to help them unfold in a direction he enjoyed.

Now the current opinion on when the first fish moved onto land suggests it happened something like 385 million years ago.

BUT WAIT! This is just something Cas remembers, that doesn't mean that's when he was created. We know that Castiel is

[GIF: Chuck calls my beautiful boy Cas "the self-hating angel of Thursday"]

I think this means Cas was the first Angel created on Thursday AKA the fifth day in Genesis. This is the first leap I'm really going to make here, because we don't know this for sure, but I think it would make sense. Not all angels are the same age. We know the archangels, for example, were created before any other angels. I think it would make sense for Chuck to have created different angels with different functions at different times, and a hierarchy established as the archangels incorporated these new siblings into heaven's dynamic. This would make Castiel a relatively 'young' angel, born on the fifth of six possible days of creation. That makes sense in the context of his role: stationed to watch over Earth as a soldier. He became a commander after Anna fell, sure, but he's still relatively excluded from knowledge of Heaven's plans.

We also do not see Cas perform any particular action for Thursday that would explain why it is his domain. The Doylist explanation is that Kripke just picked the angel of the day his show was airing, but that's no fun. I think it would make sense if Cas was created with the dawn of the fifth day and as such, it became his title in heaven.

The fifth day in Genesis is devoted to the creation of swimming water creatures and birds. Birds being significantly younger than fish, evolutionarily speaking, they don't push back Cas' age whatsoever. Fish in general, though, clearly predate their evolution to walk. To get this date, it really depends on what you let count as the 'beginning' of sea life. The first splitting cells in the deep-sea vents? The first fish? Obviously, those writing about these events had no idea what cells were. They also had no idea that a gay angel would one day be a featured character on something called a television show and keep me up at 1 AM over a year after said television show had stopped airing wondering how old he is, and yet here I am

If you were to count any and all living cells in the sea, Cas would sit at a spritely 3.7 billion years of age. If we're starting at not very fishy but still living sea sponges, the figure goes down to about 800 million years old. But I think this seems a bit much. I want Cas to be the fresh-faced cool kid on the heavenly block. To accommodate this desire, I'm willing to say Chuck didn't start counting day five until the first little something one might consider a fish came around which would make Castiel's true (approximate) age 540 million years old.

Do with this information what you will. I have no idea why I provided it. Thank you, Castiel, for being the impetus into scientific exploration

[angrylizardjacket]

it's in the blood // this is tradition

Summary: Children inherit all sorts of traits from their parents. Not all these traits are good.

"My reputation preceded me before I was born."

[ charlotte & lola au ]

A/N: 2292 words. Halsey's new album killed me on the spot. i talk a lot about the next gen being mirrors of their parents, but i'd like to go into detail about that not necessarily being a positive. @misscharlottelee this made me feel things. i love these kids.

Warnings: overdose mention, addiction discussion, mentions of drug abuse.

Penelope Dingley-Lee

Tommy can count the amount of times he'd seen Razzle truly angry on one hand, and here and now he can see it again, written all over his neice's face. He'd thought she would look like Charlie when she's angry, and occasionally she does, the way her lip curls derisively, dismissively, that's very reminiscent of his cousin, but here and now, her blue eyes are hazy, cloudy, and her lips twist with an irate arrogance that is worryingly familiar.

Angry and high and wearing clothes that don't quite match, in this moment she's exactly her father's daughter.

She's been in the papers again. Her tits have been in magazines again. Tommy bites down on his instinctual desire to repremand her; she'd call him a hypocrite, call him an old man, tell him to keep his opinions to himself while she could still buy his sex tape out of a shady car boot down the street.

Charlie was like that too, on occasion, wit too quick for him to keep up with. When she got into a mood like this, Tommy didn't have to worry so much; usually Razzle would egg her on, but knew when to pull her back.

"It's my god given, motherfucking right to go feral -" he'd heard Charlie back in the eighties holler at three in the morning, high on amphetamines and waving a gossip rag above her head. Razzle would be on the sofa, equally fucked up, but gazing at her like she hung the stars in the sky.

"Lola gets photographed at least once a month stark naked along the strip like it's a sport, why is my Playboy shoot a national crisis?! My tits are fantastic!"

"They are, my love," Razzle nods seriously, and Tommy pulls his pillow from beneath his head, trying to either block out their voices through the thin walls, or maybe smother himself. The girl beside him, the groupie whose name he doesn't know, asks blearily why there's so much yelling. Tommy doesn't answer.

A week later, Tommy is the one to bail out Charlie and Razzle for public indecency, and they're both beaming from ear to ear.

Here in the present, Penny is draped out on the sofa, laughing low and pleased as she watches TV.

"TMZ blurred out my tits," she snorts, "cowards."

"Penny..." he can't help the faintly disappointed notes in his voice when he says her name.

"Thomas, I've read The Dirt," Penny fires back venemously. Hypocrite he hears in her tone, you have no power over me.

There's something hollow in her eyes in the photos he sees of her in the papers. She wears her father's inflluence and her heart on her crushed velvet sleeve, on the arm of a shallow, pretty, band boy who plays badly and loudly. But she laughs louder, though tthe sound is low and unconvincing if anyone bothered to listen hard enough, and Tommy wonders if he has enough dark hair dye left for when that boy breaks her heart.

Jupiter Lee

Tommy is proud to watch Jupiter on stage, but he is afraid.

Their anger is something he remembers from Lola, the way they cling to the past with vitriol echoes their mother, but on stage, they drink up the attention, get high off the love the audience gives, and he sees himself in those moments.

A child of addicts, Jupiter had drawn lines in the sand for themselves that they refused to cross; no alcohol, no drugs, and they'd stayed loyal to that. But highs come in all forms; they simply picked a different kind of poison without realising.

On stage, halfway between the gutter and a god complex, Tommy knows the smile they wear all too well.

Rebellion from Jupiter didn't shock the world like it did when it was Penny's name in the papers. Jupiter's trajectory was spot on in the eyes of the public, but rebellion wouldn't be the thing that broke them.

Once, so long ago that it's a miracle the memory survived, Tommy remembers asking Lola what she would be doing if she wasn't with the band. Lola gave him an easy, bleary smile, laughing sweetly when she told him that one way or another, she'd be here. In the moment it overwhelms him with love. In hindsight it breaks his heart.

"Come on, I think this is inevitable," Jupiter smiles on television as an interviewer asks them the same question; if they weren't making music what they'd be doing, "as if I'd do anything other than this."

'Don't you know where I come from?' is left unspoken, but Tommy still hears it.

He tries to picture himself in a life without the world at his feet the way he has now. No image comes to mind. Nothing else makes sense. Even if he wanted to do something else, wanted to grow up to be something else, he couldn't even begin to picture it for himself, tragedy and all.

They play their parts. They let history repeat itself. Jupiter makes mistakes Tommy and Lola had already learned from. Penny plays Jupiter's conciousness until the role grates on her nerves, diving head first into chaos, taking Jupiter with her with little convincing.

Tommy remembers this too.

When the world looks at Penny and Jupiter, they like to remember how Lola was seen as a bad influence on Charlotte, but forget that Tommy would have followed Charlotte in to Hell without hesitation.

Leo "Seo" Sixx

Lola has google alerts set up for her son, Seo, because he disappears for months without warning. Tommy asks how he is, and Lola looks to her phone with a tight smile, telling him that he's competeing in a skateboarding competition in Prague. She learned that from Twitter.

Seo comes and goes without warning, and talks to his siblings more than his parents. He loves them, but he hasn't allowed himself to stop for years. He doesn't know how. Then again, neither did Lola or Nikki.

"Jupiter thinks a lot about legacy, don't they?" He's in Tommy's kitchen, eating a poptart, when Tommy returns home one friday evening. He's waiting for Penny and Jupiter to finish getting ready, the three of them going out.

"Do your parents know you're in town?" Tommy asks with faint amusement, though there's a twinge of guilt in his gut when Leo considers that he should probably let them know. Says he forgot. Tommy's not sure if he believes him; like his parents before him, he tends to leave a lot unsaid. It's part of his charm, the world seems to think, but Tommy knows all to well how deliberate of an act it can be.

"Jup's got all this stuff in their head about legacy and who they should be," he continues his earlier thought, "which I guess makes sense, they tie a lot of themselves up in their identity," he shrugs, then, "I don't know Leo."

Tommy's not sure if he's talking about the grandfather he's named after, or himself.

"You've given this a lot of thought," Tommy says quietly, humouring him.

"I think a lot," Seo responds, "I've been thinking about going back on my meds, its weird being off of them." Of course this concerns Tommy, who knows objectively that Seo isn't his kid, but he's close enough that Tommy feels like he's allowed to be concerned. "I'm worried a doctor's note isn't going to be enough to let me compete at the Olympics on speed," falls too casually from Seo's lips, alarming Tommy in an instant. Though it must clearly show on his face, as Seo breaks out into an apologetic grin, "dextroamphetamine, for my ADHD. I've been trying to wean off it for the Olympics, it's been hard -" but his next words, said so blithe, so casual, have Tommy's heart stopping in his chest as he's thrown back thirty years, "I've been on them since I was like eleven years old; it was great, I could think, like the right amount, but now I... I think everything. I feel everything. Its a lot." He shrugs, like he didn't just become an echo of his father.

Seo's parents both died twice from overdoses, and now their son feels like he can't function without amphetamines.

Objectively Tommy knows that they work for Seo, that he's not abusing them he simply uses them to help him function, but the irony is not lost on him. It's a lot to unpack. He doesn't think to ask about the Olympics; it slips his mind until he sees Seo and a silver medal on his Twitter feed.

Lola calls Tommy in tears. She's proud, but she wishes she'd known, wishes she'd been able to watch it live, or go over and support him in person.

No-one in Seo's life seems to fully know or understand his intentions or actions, no-one can predict his next move. He puts up a bright facade, but like his parents before him, he does not trust the world to know him.

They don't know where he goes in the few months after the Olympics, all they know is that he doesn't come home.

Cerie "CerieThree" Sixx

Since she'd turned sixteen, Tommy has never seen Cerie Sixx without a smile. That is a very deliberate choice that she's made.

She's made a choice to rise above the percieved grime of her origins. She's halfway across the country, smiling for a camera she can control, editing her image before she lets it out into the world. Cerie Three - even the name the world knows reflects this; she's picked apart the context she was born into, disecting it, deciding which was useful to show the world, disposing of the rest.

She speaks warmly to her family, from what Tommy can gather, but the people on the peripheries of their life seem more like associates in the coldest sense of the world. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes half the time when she sees Tommy, and she shakes his hand when her brothers will hug him. The internet is closer to her than he is.

Cerie looks the most like her mother of all her siblings; she's 21, the exact same age Lola was when she met Tommy, but half the time he can barely see the resemblence. Lola had let the world see a villain at that age; Cerie had learned from that, had rejected that, rejected the cold, hard humanity of her mother's fronting. Cerie wanted to be perfect. Cerie had to be perfect, hyper aware of her own image, like her siblings seem to be, but the way she'd so effectively shaped her public identity was kind of terrifying.

Perhaps this was what it was like for people who didn't know Lola, only allowed to know the image she put out into the world, or people who only knew Nikki for his stage presence.

But the more Tommy thinks about it, the more he remembers just how effectively Lola had wrapped the band around her little finger when she set her mind to it, how she talked her way around exectives despite being dressed like she'd woken up in the gutter and fucked up on any number of drugs. Lola understood people, and it seemed Cerie did too.

Cerie Sixx, twenty one, doesn't stop creating content, doesn't stop studying, and doesn't stop smiling. Two of those three things are inhereted traits, inhereted determination, and the third is a choice.

Cyrus Sixx

Though Cyrus had inhereted much of his parent's musical talent, the same way Jupiter had, Cyrus had also inhereted a love of the high life. Even so, he's so full of love, kissing his mother on both cheeks before he goes out to get shitfaced in the bars she was decades before he was even born.

He works hard, at his job, on his music, but his partying matches it just as well. He knows exactly how far he has to fall before he meets the depths his parents' had sunk to, and though he doesn't voice this, his arrogance comes across in his actions.

There'd always be someone to pull him away from swan diving to rock bottom. He takes that for granted, and keeps getting closer and closer.

The only one of Nikki and Lola's children who still lives at home, he's the only one like them in the way they'd feared.

"He's going to have more success than he will ever be able to comprehend," Nikki had told Tommy, the day after Cyrus had been admitted to hospital after staying up for four days while high and obsessing over a song he had been working on. Nikki had found him having a fit after having fallen from his desk chair. Now, sitting on Tommy's patio in the sunset, he looks tired, he looks afraid, "if he doesn't end up killing himself first."

A month ago, the fire department and the police had to pull him, kicking and screaming and bareass naked from a tree in the middle of town. His parents had bailed him out, had felt a familiar sting of guilt as they find themselves reminded of their own youthful exploits. They repremand him, of course, but they both know the only reason they stopped climbing trees was because there had been no-one to pick them up after.

Nikki sees himself in his sons mistakes, but he'd had to learn concequences the hard way.

Tommy loves his family and all it's strange branches, as well as their raucous youth, but his closest friends were some of the most volatile people he'd known, and somehow he'd forgotten that as time as taken people and memories from him.

But these children were made in their image.

[dcwnhardin]

We know that while you are from the Capitol, you were actually born from District Seven. I feel we don't ask you enough about that. So I'm curious, do you still feel attached to your home district? Or are you one of us completely?

It's a pointed question, the intent clear enough with how he says they haven't asked him about it enough over the years, the way he asks if he's completely one of them. He thinks it says something about where this interview has left him, though, that it doesn't make him quietly upset to have it put in such a way. Instead, he feels the sting of bitterness, because it's ridiculous to think they haven't made it clear enough already just how much he's not one of them. It's been obvious since he was a child trying desperately to fit in, failing every step of the way.

And yet, any attachment to his long gone home is far off, the sort of hazy, pleasantly colored childhood memories that he's certain aren't entirely accurate at this point, forty years old. He was born in Seven, yes, he spent the first few years of his life there, and he was given Seven for styling, in a rather pointed gesture from the Capitol, but that isn't the same as being from Seven. He could never fully understand what it's like to grow up there, to live in fear of the Games in that way, to perhaps make it past the reapings, only to then have to worry about losing limbs or dying cutting down trees for the Capitol's lumber.

He thinks that a little honesty is just in character for him at this point, even if he knows how dangerous it's going to be to deny the latter half of the question.

"I think anyone who's met me knows the answer to that already," he starts, shifting a little, adjusting his suit jacket a little as he decides how to put it all, while he has their undivided attention.

"I still remember my time in Seven, you know. I remember my birth mother, and I remember her not coming home one night, I remember continuing on with my routine because there was nothing else to do, children lost their parents every day to accidents, after all. Did you know that before my parents, the Hardins, chose me, I was staying with Twig Elphineson's family? We could have grown up brothers, if things had been just a little different. I could have been mourning his reaping from his home, instead of in the comfort of a luxurious Capitol penthouse."

Dawn pauses, frowning.

"I'm grateful for what my parents have given me, for offering me a life I never would have had the chance at had I stayed in Seven, for helping me into the position I'm in now. And I've tried so hard, for so long to be what they expected, what the whole of the Capitol expects, but it's always been the same, Caesar," he shakes his head, his frown still deep. "Do you remember Io? Io Ilvana? We were going to get married before...well, she helped me realize that there's strength in paradoxes sometimes. I've never been one of you completely, and I've never been one of them completely, either. I'm a strange combination of both, and I know how off-putting, and maybe even terrifying that is to people who have only ever known the Capitol, but I can't be anything but what I am. And I hope everyone else is able to find enough peace to feel the same one day, too. I think that's more important than ever now. Thanks, Caesar."