#my life is in fucking shambles. i dont even know why i do anything anymore 👍 like i can't do shit no fucking wonder i cant get hired look

[theood]

Have to a call a job place back and it's giving me.so much fucking dread to do it

[kitvinslakte]

im gonna put as much of this personal rant in the tags as i can. tw for internalized ablism and uh. suicidal thoughts and stuff ig.

[safertokiss]

Don’t Call Me Doctor - Part 2

A/N: Heyo party people! Ok this is part 2 of DCMD and I’m super excited for you guys to read it. I’m so happy I finally decided to give in to my urge to write cause it’s so much fun! Thank you guys for all the support of the first part. Enjoy:)❤️

Pairing : SPENCER x READER

Category: Fluff and Angst and Smut

Word Count: 2.2k

ENJOY!

~~~

MASTERLIST

~~~

The moment she walked through those doors I knew I was a fucking goner.

Her beauty was indescribable. Unmatchable. Unattainable.

Dangerous.

She was dangerous. All she had to do was enter the building and I was already wrapped around her finger. Dangerous.

Even though the bullpen was bustling and filled with chaos at the time, the unmistakable creak of the front door rang clear in my ears. Glancing away from my work momentarily, my eyes were immediately drawn to her. I mean how could they not be? One look in her direction and it was clear she was nervous. She looked flustered, her face was flushed, but strangely enough there was a hint of a smile upon it. Even in her frenzied state, her beauty knocked the wind out of my chest. Who the hell is this girl?

As she surveyed the hectic room, I noticed her head perk up at whatever or whoever it was that she had located. Following her line of sight I was met with Hotch. Oh so she’s here for him, maybe a family member or friend.

Wait. Wait wait wait wait.

Remembering the conversation Hotch had had with us recently about a new recruit to the team, I was able to answer my own question. Oh god she’s the new recruit.

This is bad. This is really, REALLY bad.

I couldn’t go through this again, it simply wasn’t an option for me. My heart could not handle anymore pain, a pain that would surely accompany this girl if I let her in. Too much had happened in my life already at such a young age, from missing my chance with JJ to losing the one somewhat serious relationship I had ever had. Like I said, she’s dangerous. I had only been aware of her existence for a couple of minutes and I already knew that she possessed the key to unlocking my withered heart. However, she also wielded the axe that would run me through in a split second.

I knew in that moment that, as much as it pained me, I couldn’t let her have the chance. I had to take away her power over me before she was even aware she yielded it.

Looking back in the direction of my enchantress, I noticed her and Hotch had moved from their original spot and were now walking towards the center of the room. Towards the rest of the team. Towards me. Quickly, in order to avoid making eye contact I ducked my head down and pretended to work away at the papers sprawled in front of me.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the others shaking from excitement at meeting our newest agent and I didn’t blame them. It wasn’t often we got new blood around here. Certainly none of them had taken my breath away like she did.

I was aware of how rude it was for me to not join in on the welcome party, but I was still struggling to breathe correctly from the brief glance I got of her. From my position at my desk I was close enough to hear the conversations being held, well enough at least to hear her be introduced to the team.

Y/N Y/L/N.

It fit her perfectly. A beautiful name for a gorgeous woman. While the others were busy meeting our newest member, I decided I just had to hear how her name rolled off my tongue, even if just this once. In the most quiet voice I could muster up, I released my own personal curse from my lips.

“Y/N.”

Fuck. It just felt so right. It was as if she had been given that name just so at one point in life I’d be able to shout it out for the entire world to hear. Why did the universe hate me so much?

I had gotten so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t noticed the woman plaguing my mind had already taken a seat at the desk next to mine. It wasn’t until she sputtered out an overly enthusiastic greeting directed towards me that I realized she was there.

“Hi I’m Y/N Y/L/N! Nice to meet you Dr. Reid.”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Immediately as the words started pouring from her lips I felt my body tense. Suddenly I understood the allure of sirens. How a voice could be so enticing to reel in unsuspecting sailors on the sea. I understood their choice of action. But when she called me Dr. Reid. Fuck. That should simply be illegal. Hearing her use my title awakened something deep inside of me that I had been trying to suppress since the moment she waltzed through the door. It also awakened something below my waist, my body twitching as a result. Stop it Spencer. You can’t let this happen, you need to push through it. Make her stay away.

I must have been sitting there speechless for too long because before I knew it she was at it again.

“Sorry if I scared you! I’m not the most socially adept individual. I couldn’t help but notice that-“

Put a stop to this Spencer. Make her stay away.

“You’re rambling.” Fuck that was rude.

“Pardon me Dr. Reid?”

Holy fuck if I hear her call me that one more time I don’t think there’s anything in the world strong enough to prevent me from ripping her clothes off and taking her right here on my desk. Spencer stop! Make her stay far away from you.

“You were rambling. Thought you’d like to know. And it’s Spencer.” I am such a dick. But I had no choice. Letting her into my heart would only leave the both of us in shambles, longing for the pieces to be put back together. Deciding it wouldn’t hurt, I accompanied my rude remark with a slight glance in her direction. Yeah that was a big mistake. Even if it only lasted a split second, I could clearly see the hurt plaguing her beautiful orbs, a hurt that was caused by yours truly. Wow this fucking sucks.

“Oh...ok”, she replied before turning her attention back to her files in front of her.

I really wish I didn’t have to treat her like that, but it was the only option that left us both unscathed. Returning to the task at hand, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander and imagine a life alongside the enchantress sitting next to me.

Maybe in a world where I wasn’t so fucked up.

~~~

Ok remember when I said this sucked? Yeah it was worse than I could’ve ever imagined. It had been about three months since Y/N had started working with us and I spent the majority of that time running away from her. She’d walk in, I’d briskly walk out before cracking. She’d wave at me and I’d have to look away before imploding on the spot.

The worst part of this whole ordeal was that it was obvious that she had a thing for me. The amount of times I had caught her staring at my hands or for some reason my hair while she was trying to be subtle, was a number almost too large to keep track of. I’d be trying to mind my own business and block her out of my thoughts, when I’d catch her biting her lip, lost in thought, while her eyes raked my body. It was getting to be too much to handle.

Most of the time while we were at the round table discussing cases she would take the seat next to mine, much to my dismay. Her close proximity always acted as a ticking time bomb to my poor, defenseless body, usually eliciting reactions not suitable for a work environment. Following nearly every meeting I’d hightail it out of the room straight to the bathroom. And while she probably assumed I was just trying to avoid her, the reality was much more humiliating.

What had she turned me into? I felt like a horny teenager all of the time. What would my friends think if they knew I had to run to the bathroom to take care of my arousal almost every other day? It was so embarrassing, but only she could provoke such a reaction from me.

As often as my bathroom escapades took place, I had become a pro at suppressing my true feelings for her. For some reason, however, my attempts to make her stay away triggered the opposite response on her end. I can’t even explain the amount of pain that filled my chest everytime I had to reject her offers to get together and spend time together outside of work. I had even stopped going out with the unit because I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself around her, usually coming up some lame excuse about having work to catch up on.

I had no idea what to do. I wanted her so bad.

I felt like I was in my own personal purgatory that had absolutely no escape in sight. All I had to do to set myself free was reach out and touch the ethereal being in front of me and express the feelings I harbored for her. But I still refused to consider that an option.

Not only was she keeping my mind occupied at work, I couldn’t make it through a single night without seeing her beautiful face. While the dreams had started off pretty neutral and innocent, they quickly progressed into territory that shouldn’t have been accessible. I truly felt like a teenager again with the amount of wet dreams I had been having to deal with. I just couldn’t help myself. Her body was amazing. It was physically impossible for me to not picture myself ramming her into my desk or bending her over the round table, making her scream my name for all of D.C. to hear.

God it was getting harder and harder to ignore her. What was stopping me from grabbing her wrist, pulling her into an empty office and destroying her on every surface available. I had to do something or figure out a way to push those thoughts away.

“Hey pretty boy! Get over here!”

I swiveled in my chair to seek out Morgan, spotting him across the bull pen. Sighing quietly, I made my way over to my friend, trying to mask the internal conflict occurring between my brain and my heart.

“What can I do for you Morgan?”

“You gonna tell me what’s going on between you and Y/L/N?” Shit. Fuck. I thought it wasn’t noticeable. Play it cool Spencer.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me pretty boy.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Lies. All lies.

“Reid, come on man. It’s not really hard to notice that something is off between you two. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you interact with her outside of a case and you’re the kid who’s known to ramble to anyone within a five mile radius, nevermind the girl who sits next to you everyday. Did something happen?”

“No...no. Nothing happened and quite frankly I seriously don’t think it’s any of your business to question me about who I do and do not converse with, ok?”

“Geez! Calm down buddy. I’m sorry, ok. I won’t bring it up again.” I once again felt like the biggest dick in the world watching him walk away from where we had been standing. Recognizing that there was nothing I could do about it now, I made my way back to my desk, noticing that Y/N had returned from her lunch break.

After sitting down and working for a bit, I couldn’t help myself. The urge to look at the object of my affections was just too damn insistent. Glancing up at her, I was instantly entranced by the goddess in front of me. She was busy scribbling away at whatever was laid out in front of her, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her face. She was biting her lip in what I would assume was a way to help her concentrate, but all it did was stir things inside of me. Ok this was getting ridiculous.

It was crazy how even the simplest of things, like her eyes crinkling at the corners when she smiled or the way she licked her lips like it was going out of style, would instantly prevent my mind from functioning correctly and make the world around me dissolve until all that existed anymore was her. God those eyes. So intricately designed that even the most beautiful gods and goddesses would be jealous.

WAIT. HER EYES.

Fuck. She was looking at me. She saw me staring directly at her.

As fast as I possibly could, I ducked my head down and cleared my throat, deciding to play it off and pretend like nothing had just happened. Except that that was kind of hard to do when my body decided to say “fuck you” and turned into a goddamn tomato within seconds. Oh god why did I do that? How was I going to get myself out of this already complicated situation? This was bad. This was really bad. Three months of rejections and cold responses down the drain with one stupid, meaningful glance in her direction.

Fuck.

To be continued...

https://safertokiss.tumblr.com/post/623412350001856512/dont-call-me-doctor-part-3

https://safertokiss.tumblr.com/post/623219810962178048/dont-call-me-doctor-part-1

Tag list: @hopebaker @pastathighs @psychedellic-phase @gloryekaterina @sleepysnapesnake

[nudeemogirlfriend]

Holy shit. The world is in shambles, but I am very much alive. I took well to the new adjustments in society from the pandemic. I have 7 grand in savings so I didn’t even plan on working UNTIL they called me back in. Now I’m excited to be doing something outside of my house (apart from my daily runs or backyard photo shoots). I’m going to be back in society and MAKING GOOD MONEY AGAIN. Which is always a plus.

Anywhom. I didn’t open my tumblr app in the first time in 6 months to talk about fucking work or this shitty pandemic. I want and need to talk about my *winces* feelings.

Today Kolby and I spent the day together. I remember the days we spent together early on and I recall not being able to keep my hands off of him. I fantasize about him constantly. I can honestly say that I’ve never been so hopelessly attracted to anyone in my life. With this obsession I have with him... I know I overwhelm him. I know I might seem needy and maybe I stare at him too much and I smother him. I get annoyed when he wants to hang out with the roommates and play video games instead of hanging with me. I see that I overwhelm him... Listen. I can be a lot. For everyone I’ve ever dated... I always overwhelm them. (To be fair I am also equally always overwhelmed as well). This time for the FIRST TIME rather than viciously trying to push my significant other away, I’m trying to hold onto Kolby for dear life.

SO here is my quarrel. WHY ARENT WE HAVING SEX LIKE WE USED TO AND WHY DOESNT HE LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE HIM? We used to fuck on my floor DAILY. We used to fuck hard and when we were finished WE’D DO IT AGAIN. He doesn’t seem interested and only gets annoyed when I bother him for sex. It’s funny because I recognize the attitude. I used to be the girl who would use excuses to get out of having sex specifically with drew. He would beg quite often and I was on another planet and had lost attraction to him after being overcome by resentment. I’d tell him that “I have a migraine. I’m too exhausted. I’m stressed to have sex.” It was all bullshit. The more I was ASKED or expected to have sex, the less I wanted to do it.

So I stopped asking kolby for it. I told myself that I wouldn’t make the first move. And honestly, being turned down by your significant other SUCKS. It makes me feel totally pathetic to beg for sex and even worse when I don’t get it. But... we went FOUR DAYS WITHOUT IT when I wasn’t asking. And that’s just... idk. Hard for me because I find so much self worth in being sexual. It’s very very important. If I could, I would fuck all day. I love doing that. If I’m not getting fucked into oblivion AND then being held and cuddled then I DONT FEEL GOOD OR CLOSE TO MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. When I was trying to express my concern to Kolby, all he could say was “I made you dinner tonight!”

Why can’t I have both? Why can’t I have dinner AND get fucked (the good loving way, not the lazy way where I do all the work and don’t get off. Not the way where I get pounded and don’t even get eye contact), AND share a bath and cuddle after. Why doesn’t he tell me how pretty I am anymore? Why doesn’t he look at me the way I look at him? Why doesn’t he fucking touch my body when I am unable to stop touching him/admiring him. I just am not used to anyone I’m seeing not being totally infatuated. In my past, I’ve required nothing less than total adoration. Not that I LIKE comparing relationships because obviously my past ones have been totally fucked, but I used to be held when I was anxious. I used to be taken on shopping sprees when I was sad. Someone used to read to me out loud every single night to keep me comfortable...And those were things I’ve NEVER ASKED FOR. I would never ask Kolbs to take me shopping or anything. I know I’m in a better spot financially than he is currently and I guess that’s what makes this different than the way things have been for me in the past but Kolbs doesn’t even want to do the things I do ask for. I KNOW I’m not asking for too much. Look. I require a LOT of attention and love and I know I can be overwhelming but I DONT WANT A HALF ASS RELATIONSHIP.

And I want my infatuation reciprocated. I want flames and passion and constant fucking. I want to do things together all the time and have shared interests. Kolby never wants to go running with me and it’s making me not want to work out anymore because it just gives him opportunity to turn on his Xbox and ignore me all fucking day. I’m pissed. I thought writing this out would make me feel better but now I’m even more dissappointed.

I just don’t want this to become something that I’m going to be unhappy in all the time bc that’s when things get fucked up. So I’m going to have to make him try harder because that’s really the only solution I have.

To be clear and remind myself. My relationship with Kolby is just fine. It’s fine. Nothing AWFUL is wrong. We don’t cheat. We work hard. We live together and pay our bills equally. BUT DAM I NEED TO BE FUCKED IN HALF REGULARLY. Anyways. I’m pissed off and starting work again early tomorrow so I’m going to masturbate and go to sleep.

Yeah that’s a thing. I masturbate quietly next to Kolby almost every night or else I can’t really sleep well. Because he doesn’t have sex with me at night very often. (But tries to wake my sleepy ass up at 7am to give him head regularly) OK DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT GOODNIGHT.

[hauntedharlequinn]

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this is some Weird shiT 

eariler today, i was feeling solid static. like my head was a mountain of mush, my head was heavy and my forehead ached as it wanted to drip downward into the pillow

and, i dont think i quite know why, i dont think i can quite articulate what made me think to do it, but i looked back on my blog. 

like, /way/ back.

to them times. 

not specifically to see them, there was no reminiscing. no rehashing and rehashing my mistakes like i always do. but i went to look at how things were. just to examine where i was, how things were in the month leading up, and mostly, to remember. remember how certain posts made me feel, remember what i was thinking behind the post, remember the tiny things, the day i sat down and marathoned an entire ghost hunting series, what i was using it to escape from, how i came back and bragged about it with a “:D :D ^-^ nbd!!!” even though that night i was vibrating with stress

frankly, i think my blog paints a happier picture of what happened than it was

you dont see any of the harassment, you dont see any of the fighting. i never reblogged the posts as they were being made. none of the gaslighting ‘callout’ posts, none of the “here is my stance” posts, none of the screaming and arguing that was going on at the time. you see none of the long drawn out hateful notes they sent to me, none of the bartering, none of the name-calling or threatening or anything quite so raw as the explosive utter fucktastrophy of a mess that was that whole fucking thing.

in fact, the last thing on the blog they left for me was a colorful, cutesy, “happy birthday” picture, and then thats it.

no words from them

thats the end.

its also not, though. you see me vaguely refer to it 100 times to 1. they vanish off the face of the blog, but not out of the face of my life. i dont call them by name, my friends who know me know whats going on, anyone else just passing by might be clueless. their name is erased, and i cant touch it anymore

.

.

but the weird thing is not that, not any of those things at all. the weird thing is, thus far, your name has been some kind of poison to me. i step around it, i avoid it like the plague. i scroll fast so i dont have to look at what you left, what traces of you can still be found under the dust. i  but tonight as i paged back, turned the time back, took a look into it all, i stared it i stared your name directly in the eye and said “NO, YOU DONT HAVE POWER OVER ME.” and read ahead anyway.

i conquered the ability to read back, see through unfiltered memories what person i was before

and then i realized im not so different from that version of myself after all

as i pieced through the entries of my past, i realized i had some of these were things i would still be saying, jokes i still would be making, feelings i still would be feelings. in my skin right now, on dark nights and colorless mornings, i feel like im a completely different person. different values and different ideas, shambling thoughtforms after you ripped the foundations out from under me. but i compare it all side by side, got a chance to look at my words, to look at me now, and... 

you couldn’t destroy me at all, could you?

.

i kinda feel like i walked into a dungeon today, and came out with a piece of me that had been missing

.

this is not the end, this is only a piece. but it is a piece i have acquired after facing many of my trials, and now seeing all the pieces i have collected together makes me feel a lot stronger about finding the missing ones, and now its time for the next challenge

this is my quest, im the queen and you’re not going to take my kingdom from me

[mindless--wanderer]

2020.

Dear Diary 2020 Edition,

In  January, Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran after that. We might actually still be almost at war with them. I don’t know, because Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards show and everyone flipped the crap out, but then there was this thing happening in China, then Prince Harry and Megan peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial for Donald Trump, and then the coronavirus showed up in the US “officially,” but then Kobe and his daughter died in a helicopter crash and the UK peaced out of the European Union. 

In February, Iowa crapped itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi took ten. whole. years. to rip up a speech, but then The WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused some really important people in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty, and  Americans started asking if Corona beer was safe to drink, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor who just knew the flu killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18. Asians in America were getting targeted and attacked because we were wearing face masks. Face masks were in severe short supply, and Americans did not know the importance of them.

In March, stuff hit the fan. Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust , but then Italy shut its whole country down, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency was declared in US, but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can appreciate teachers for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen), close down all of salons so you can’t get your hair or your nails done, everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The DOW took a crap on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing  (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to TIGER KING and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year, Carol Baskin totally killed her husband ..... whacked him and then fed him to the tigers! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.

In  April, Bernie busted himself out of the presidential race, but then NYC became the set of The Walking Dead and we learned that no one has face masks, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID, and by now our outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like, NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….

In May, the biblical end times kicked off, historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games however people forgot to let us know. White people legit started to protest lockdown measures with AR-15s, sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were protests in every city ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in crowds of more than 10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away from each other. Those people must have forgotten about the pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media struggled with how to focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest after monkeys stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid narrowly missed the Earth.

In June, science and common sense just got thrown straight out the window and somehow wearing masks became a political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a God given right (still haven't found that part in the bible or even in the constitution). Then scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe that repeats itself every so many days, and everyone was like  DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT but then America reopened from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great . All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works, but then Florida was like hold my beer and let me show you how we’re number one in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Trump decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court to shut down Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic , but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud coming straight at us from the Sahara Desert, which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then learned of meth-gators, and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card can we use it as the free space??  Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola outbreak is over, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever?  ....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!

So here comes July…. at this point we are over it, just tell us what’s next .... Aliens? Zeus?  Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool  or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh, like hahaha April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point. Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore! Several countries in Asia are getting a second wave of coronavirus cases and LA is in shambles because it is breaking new cases and records everyday.

what the fuck is going on.

[kowlsy2]

y'all know that trope about two friends getting married at 35 bcs theyre still single? Heres my take on it w/ the dream team. Lets be real these three would get married for a meme. (posted on mobile if formatting is weird)

--

Okay, if Dream was being honest he barely remembered the conversation. Him and Sapnap were still using skype for god's sake, it happened a long time ago. Sapnap had gotten on, quiet, and just seemed out of it.

(or had it all been a joke? a stupid joke between middle schoolers??).

How it started didn't matter. The ending was the same. They were so young, but already Dream worried too much about looking cool- about looking 'right'. About not being the nerdy boy who didn't talk to girls and spent all day hutched over a computer in some dark room while his cooler classmates did all the stuff they talk about in books and movies, coming of age, whatever.

If they were both single, hopelessly single, when sapnap turned 25, they would get married.

"Ew dude dont be gay"

"I'm not gay!! I'm just saying if we got married then we could meet! and then like, I don't know help each other get girls. We wouldn't like, actually be married, it'd just be paperwork."

"Sure dude, whatever. Lets get married if we're still single in a decade and a half. theres no chance."

What a stupid meme.

--

It was a bit more of a big deal with George.

Dream never asked George about his love life-- it seemed insensitive honestly. He knew, or basically knew, that George had never really gotten close with girls. It wouldn't surprise him at all if George hadn't even had his first kiss yet. No girlfriend, no date to formals; nothing.

They were older now, Dream had been doing online school for a year at this point, George was going to uni, they were growing up. They spent more time talking then they didn't; but Dream never brought up his fumbling attempts at kissing, dating, even that ill fated attempt at 'more' at that one party.

But george brought it up, late at night, quiet as death.

"I think I'm going to die alone."

The words were funny. His tone was not.

"What are you talking about?"

"I think I'm never going to have a girlfriend."

"Did something happen? Dude that's ridiculous."

"Is it? I'm 20 and I've never had a girl even like me. I just don't think I'll ever find someone that likes me." A pause. "Nothing happened, in particular. I just was thinking about it. I'm just like- I don't know- I thought for a little that I was just going slowly, but now everyone I know, even people younger than me, everyone has had girlfriends, and sex and I'm just. Not. Doing that. No one wants to do that with me."

"I'm sure thats not true!"

"Yes it is! All the girls here, they want to date cool dudes, dudes with experience, who don't have fucking minecraft server staff meetings on friday nights instead of going out to clubs and whatever."

"Like you'd even want to date a girl who goes out and gets trashed on a friday night."

"I'd date anyone at this point. but no one would date me, much less like, marry me."

"Marry you? Dude what are you talking about, marriage is like, so far away from us"

"Not really Dream. My mum got married a year after she graduated uni, thats only a few years away. Most people get married in their 20s, and I can't even get a single date with a girl."

"Dude, worst comes to worst, if you're like, 29 and still single I'll marry you."

"Please don't joke about this"

"I'm not! If we are both single, and you're almost 30, and you still haven't found a girlfriend, I'll marry you, and they you can come live in the US, easy, and all the girls will love you for your accent if nothing else"

"ha ha ha"

"Oh, don't you be sarcasitc. I'd marry you and we could just like, be friends, and live together, and it'd be so much fun. I'd totally do it."

"oh yea, and our youtube channels will have 3 million subscribes each, and minecraft will be more popular than fortnite again."

"Georgeeee just say youllll marryyy mee"

"Fine. If I'm still single in 8 years lets get married Dream."

It was barely a meme this time. But it worked.

--

He never should have included the bit with the berries in the final video. Sapnap and George had just been so funny, it felt wrong to cut it out. Dream sometimes worried that viewers didn't understand George and Sapnaps relationship, thought that they were just both his friends, so they hung out together, but this clip finally showed that they had their own relationship, their own friendship outside of him.

Even as he was touching it up he knew he was letting them outshine him in his own video. Now it felt like the meme followed him everywhere, cutting him out of the punchline, even in his own streams.

"George! Thank you so much for grabing this bonemeal for me!"

"oH you're so welcome Sapnap! Anytime!"

"Wow george you're so kind and generous!"

"Sapnap you're so polite! and it's such a good job you're doing with the farm!"

"Thank you so much George! I'm so glad you've taken the time to let me know that I'm appreciated!"

Dream had to do something before the entire stream got derailed; he had a goal and he wasn't going to let his idiot best friends upset if.

"yes yes you're both wonderful people, so generous, ladies they are single."

Oh my god how didn't I notice! George, you're like, perfect husband material!"

"Sapnap youre also going to be amazing husband, so kind, and hardworking and-"

Chat was in shambles, Dream would need to act fast if he ever had a chance at getting them to stop.

"well if you're both such good husband material why don't you marry each other?"

That would stop them in their tracks.

"Oh Dream that's such a good idea! Sapnap, love of my life, will you marry me?"

Or not.

(Dream always forgot how much more confident George was when he wasn't the one streaming)

"Oh George! Yes! a million times yes! As soon as you come to the states!"

The meme was much funnnier this time.

--

It may have been a stupid idea. A face reveal, and a meet-and-greet and meeting George and Sapnap in person for the first time, all at the same time.

But hey, Dream wasn't famous for forthought. He was famous for cluches.

By this point (5 million subscribers oh my god) George and Sapnap getting married had been a well established meme.

Him and George hadn't ever talked about That Conversation again, but sometimes, he'd send george funny articles about people marrying to get green cards, or videos of american women swooning over British accents. (it still wasn't that much of a meme, but it seemed less likely now. They had all grown so much, become so much more sure in themselves), and sometimes George sent them to Dream as well.

He had forgotten about his conversation with Sapnap, years ago, before it all started.

But before leaving for vidcon he needed something soothing, something mindless, so he had been sorting through old accounts, deleting anything he hadn't used in years.

And he found his oldest skype account.

Of course all three of them had planned to get married to each other, like something out of a shitty fanfic.

But that didn't mean it wasn't funny.

So he bought them matching rings.

Sue him. He had the money.

Dream had planned to do it at his face reveal, but, it got much, much too chaotic fast, and he didn't think fake proposing to his two best friends would calm people down.

So he did it afterwards.

I mean he already had the rings.

"What is this?"

"Relax, dude, its a joke--mostly."

"What??"

Okay maybe it felt a little stupid when they were both looking at him.

"okay so basically-- I was looking at super old skype logs, and Sapnap, Nick, whatever, do you remember like, back in like 2014, we were both like, freaking out about not having girlfriends"

"oh wait-- yeah--"

"--so we said that if we were both single when we were 25 we would get married?"

"yeah, to like better be wingmen or whatever--"

"--so basically, here you go."

Dream slides the first box across the table. It has a ring in it, 2 rings of plain gold with a pressed ring of volcanic glass-- obsidian-- in the middle. He has a matching one on a chain around his neck, hidden, and a third in the box sitting in front of him.

He slides it over to George.

"and George I figured that all of our schemes about marrying so you could come live over here--"

"You guys were planning what?"

"-- and I think that you probably don't need to do that anymore, but I thought you might need this too. If you ever need a reason to stay in the states, well, there you go."

God he was awkward in real life.

"I don't know what to say--"

"God don't say anything-- Especially not on twitter-- But. Just. Thank you, so much. For being my friend. I can't marry both of you, and honestly, I'm pretty sure I should just wait and marry a girl for real, but. I'm so glad you both are in my life, and I hope you both stay in it for a long time. Like marriage or, something like that."

It's not a meme at all this time.

[haileybaeley]

ill never stop loving you.. you think your visions getting worse and you might become legally blind.. ill be there for you.. ill love you endlessly even if you cant see me.. ill describe everything as best as i could so its like youre seeing it with your own eyes. ill be sad that it doesnt matter what clothes i wear anymore, i wont wear any if thats what you want. i love looking into your eyes oh my god you have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen and ive seen a lot of eyes and yours are just perfection looking down at me. you have the most beautiful face. beautiful body that i always want to touch. i want to kiss your neck. i want to hold your face in my hands and apologize for not being strong enough for myself. i want to kiss you on your nose and also on your forehead in hopes that youll kiss me back, anywhere i dont mind i just want your soft sensational lips on any part of my skin. ill love you endlessly even if a stroke is inevitable.. ive already accepted that because you made it seem that way. ill be holding your hand every step of the way even after you recover yes youll recover. i’d never leave you.. i cant believe you told me to pull the plug on you. even if i did my life would be in shambles afterwards and there wouldnt be any point to a future any longer because i lived my life you are my universe and if my universe disappears, so do i. nick you have the best hands ive ever felt, my heart is always calm when you are holding my hand, i just always want you grabbing me and pulling me to be with you right next to you. im trying to pretend like i can feel you touching me the way you were the other night. im pretending that when i turn over ill see your backside and grab on to you and fall asleep some more. its just a blanket that still smells like you but i can pretend. i want to grow old with you. i want to run around the world with you i never truly wanted to go anywhere until i met you. i want you to see all the beauty in the world thatll never be even close to being as beautiful as you, but youll look at all of it thinking it is even though its not, ill being looking at the most beautiful creation to exist, you. you are so fascinating and admirable and im so intrigued by your thoughts. i love you and i have never loved anyone or anything more. you changed me so bad because i could be treated with so much love and i dont want it if it is not from you. you probably dont feel this strongly towards me and thats why you know youll be okay if i ruin us. if i ruin us, wow. its funny i believe i saw you in my dreams when i was younger. when i was little and dreaming about high school and how i would be with someone who is literally you. me in elementary school would be so so proud of me for finding the person i dreamt of. for finding you, my density. i dont expect to feel this sick forever i expect to get better i will get better i am working on getting better and my work will fucking pay off. when i am confident in my mind i want you to still be there, watching me overcome all of the nonsense ive shoved into my mind. i want you proud of me and happy for me and ready to give me all if your love that ive been dreaming of. i will get that. i will fix myself and you will love me endlessly like i love you endlessly.

i love you