#my least favorite process is the 3 day 'i hate all of these words' phase lmao i always manage to convince myself that my skill just like

[scare-ard--sleigh]

my favorite part of the (work) writing process is looking at what i have drafted after being convinced for like 3 days that it's complete garbage and seeing that it's actually totally fine 💖 i have been doing this for five years 💖

[nerdieforpedro]

20 Questions of Writers 📑

I was tagged by @frenchiereading @avastrasposts and @maggiemayhemnj (Bless the three of you. You know a dissertation is coming 🤣🤣🤣) 💜

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 81 works on AO3. There are some that are there and not on Tumblr yet. As to why, some of them are other series I haven’t finished or I’m not sure if I should post them here.

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

As of today: 351,908 words (updated for a new chapter of one of my works)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently: Pedro Pascal, Oscar Issac, Garrett Hedlund and might dabble in Call of Duty (maybe)

No longer writing: Marvel

4. Top Five fics by kudos: (some of these were written long ago, when Nerdie was a wee one in fandom)

Sard’ika Sessions (the most in kudos and hits- it tells me ya’ll like Din being a soft dom and using several different tools, maybe at the same time?)

Our Journey Across the Star Ocean (people enjoy the way I write Din maybe?)

The Viper Longs for Foliage (the one fic I have about Oberyn Martell - I don’t feel I write him well but people feel differently I suppose 🤔)

The Best and the Worst Day (AO3 only - Chris Evans fix it was a phase 🫣)

I want him to see me (AO3 only - I had to look up what this was lol Sebastian Stan fic)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I make sure to go through my inbox to reply to anyone who was nice enough to leave me one. ☺️

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Bold of you to assume I finish fics regularly 👀

Scarlet Stains and their Echoes Such angst with a Backstreet Boys joke thrown in. 😆

7. What is the fic you wrote that has the happiest ending?

This is a three way tie (cheating because Nerdie is not above it) between Sard’ika Sessions, The Lake Between Us and Parts of you Mr. Morales. Each fic has a different Pedro character - Din, Ezra (I had to give him something happy 😭) and Frankie.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not that I’ve seen. I totally thought I would and that’s why something stay on AO3 or in the WIP folder but so far I have not. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

9. Do you write smut?

I used to. I used to write a lot and enjoyed it. I find now that when I write smut it’s awkward and takes me at least a month to finish a smut scene because despite watching and reading reference materials (porn and other awesome smut fanfic here and on AO3) I don’t have the same mojo when writing it any more. I feel a bit sad about it, but there’s nothing that’s worked. It’s not like I don’t have thots. I just can’t get them in a fic. 😭😭

10. Craziest Crossover?

I haven’t really done many. One m/m fic where Din and Poe crossed blasters (pun fully intended), one sandwich with a female reader, Lucian Flores and Benny Miller, My Tim Rockford series where Dieter is his brother and that’s about it I think 🧐

11. Have you ever have a fic stolen? Not that I know of. So happy I’m in my small weird little box 📦

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic? Nope I would be open to it but I dunno how the process would work.

14. All time favorite ship? The Razor Crest, it has room for passengers. 😆

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Such heart ache 😣 My first series that I started was with Dave York (he was done so dirty dammit!) and it was pretty smut filled. Felt with him and the OFC’s messed up dynamic as well but because of all the smut and how I can’t seem to write smut to save my neck now, it will likely go unfinished. 😭

16. What are your writing strengths?

Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe just the weird plot ideas I can make and dialogue. That’s about it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing a fic, SMUT, weak comedy (I can’t resist it though), fixating on small details that don’t matter and everything that wasn’t listed as a strength. What is writing really? Can I make the words go together? 😨

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Pretty cool, just make sure you ask a native speaker in that language to look over things before posting. I have found that some of my Spanish is too literal and no native Spanish speaker is actually going to say that. Plus each language always has little nuances you need to take into account.

19. First Fandom you wrote in? Marvel 👀 Look it was a phase dammit! 🫣 Leave me alone. 😭

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Nerdie will cheat again, because this is her post! 😆 I enjoy all my fics. Otherwise, why would I write them? But one stands above the rest. It gives me all the feels, giggles, some funny banter, smut that took a damn month to write and inspired @soft-persephone to tag me in a meme that @boliv-jenta made, Weddings 101 with Dieter.

If there’s one fic that I feel has the majority of my writing (all styles and facets) in it, Weddings 101 would be it. My humor, agnst, attempt at making a villain and sub-plots, slow burn romance with a goat as Dieter’s ride or die. 🤗 That trash panda gave me a lot so I wrote him a wild ass series. 😋

NPT: @tinytinymenace @megamindsecretlair @perotovar @pedroshotwifey @lady-bess

@djarinmuse @alltheglitterandtheroar @inept-the-magnificent @lotusbxtch

@jeewrites @rosecentaur1916 @westside-rot @jessthebaker @trulybetty

@rhoorl @musings-of-a-rose @saturn-rings-writes @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @magpiepills

@secretelephanttattoo @morallyinept @goodwithcheese

[losersroom]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @tetrapod7! thanks man, this was a fun one.

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 17 on my current account. there's more on my old one and obviously that doesn't count everything i published on other platforms (livejournal, ff.net) in the ancient days, lol

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? again just on the wolfspider account, 168,153. i cant tell if that feels low or high to me

3. what fandoms do you write for? right now, just wild hrpf. in the past it's been mostly anime and various cartoons.

4. top five fics by kudos: i'm hitting the skip button on this because like. wrt my own work i think it's not a very good metric of EITHER how popular those stories actually were OR the quality of them; they're mostly the TUA ones and im chalking that up to that fandom being Huge when i was active. my most kudos'd fic of all time is still how much was mine to keep, though, and i think that one holds up.

5. do you respond to comments? i try to now. i went through a long phase of not engaging with comments due to Social Anxiety and also being kind of fed up with the hyper-combative culture in the fandoms i was in. like i wanted to just yeet my work out there and be done with it. in hrpf fandom i'm actually interested in the community aspect though so ive been trying to get over myself and respond as best i can.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? the brodsfabes time loop fic, hands down. it's weird because as a reader i am um. not very into unhappy endings or unconsummated angst but every once in a while when i'm writing i'll get into a Mood and write something viscerally upsetting. anyway that one was pretty clearly me processing some grief that was happening in my real life, lol.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? probably entangled, from my spiderverse days. ngl i kind of hate it now though so let's move on from this. i think most of my fic has happy or at least ambiguously-positive endings, though.

8. do you get hate on fics? only one time ever and it was someone complaining that a ship i tagged for wasn't present in the story after One Chapter so. we're discounting that one. i've been pretty lucky!

9. do you write smut? yeah. my relationship with writing pornography ebbs and flows, like. sometimes i'll be really into it but sometimes i'll just stick a sex scene into a story where i feel like it's the least interesting thing that happens because people expect it and aren't going to read a romance that isn't leading up to that. i'm a horrible pervert and building up to a sex scene is an easy way to give your story a climax (...in multiple senses of the word) though so. why not.

10. craziest crossover: i don't write crossovers but if i did it would be the insane one ive been thinking about lately where the minnesota wild are stuck in the dungeon from dungeon meshi

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? not to a degree that i can prove it but part of the reason i left TUA fandom was somebody, in my opinion, ripped off large chunks of one of my fics and did just enough massaging of the language to make it defensible as Not Plagiarism. ruined the whole experience for me though.

12. have you ever had a fic translated? no, i think that would be one of the highest honors i could receive as a writer though. i wish i knew enough of a second language to translate my own work, but i'm still at like a kindergarten level in japanese so that will. Not happen.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? tried to once with someone i am no longer friends with, it was a disaster. never gonna do that again. i am just too much of a control freak to relinquish any amount of creative decisionmaking i think.

14. all time favorite ship? don't have one! i tend to like hyperfixate on one ship for anywhere from one month to a year and a half and then when the brain juice runs out im Done and i never want to think about this concept again. im giving check please jackparse a point for being a ship i can read about post-fixation without getting bored but other than that. right now it's 725, in the future, who can say.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but never will? [stares at my overflowing gdocs draft folder. stares at the camera] i do not see it

16. what are your writing strengths? i like my prose, most of the time, and i think i'm pretty good at descriptive writing and like, internal character voice. sometimes i can accidentally stumble into excellent pacing

17. what are your writing weaknesses? INTENTIONALLY good pacing. writing dialogue that sounds like a human said it and not a sitcom character. i'm decent at line-by-line editing but awful at structural editing. recently ive become aware that i tend to subconsciously reuse certain plot beats a lot.

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? like anything else, there's a way to do this that's fine and interesting and a way to do it that's insultingly terrible and it all depends on intent and execution. like if you're peppering in phrases in a second language just to show off that a character Is Foreign, don't do that. try to do it in a way that's realistic for how people talk. do it purposefully, i suppose

19. first fandom you wrote in? god dude i do NOT remember this was literally 21 years ago but probably either naruto or fullmetal alchemist.

20. favorite fic you've written? probably one of the unpublishable ones tbh. or the time loop one again. honestly i really like all my hrpf work, ive been putting out some bangers lately. it's nice to feel like ive been growing as an ~artist~ or whatever.

[abarbaricyalp]

Author Question Tag Game Thing

Thank you so much for the tag @cobrafantasies !!!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

131 (ElisabethMonroe)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

863,403

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel/SamBucky (I've got a few Buddie WIPs languishing)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Truths Beneath Our Ribs The North American Superhero in a Domestic Situation Tying Me to You (never) Lost In Translation A Conversion of Worry and Love All fics I wrote while the show was airing. Please, casual fans, come back

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! But I am so behind right now :/

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably My Sunshine. I was rude with that ending. Though Stained and Sun Burst may give it a run for its money.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmmm. Most of my fics have pleasant endings. Maybe Until The Last Rose?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Knock on several pieces of wood, no. I've never gotten hate on a fic. Please, nobody take this as a challenge.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. I've discovered the hilarious pattern in my writing where Bucky is nigh on constantly giving Sam a bj. It's what Sam deserves. Other than that, I hope my smutty scenes are kinda sappy and lovey, for the most part.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

For my own personal enjoyment, yeah. I came into fandom with SuperWhoLock, so there was a lot of cross over there and I write a Raven Cycle/X-Files crossover when I'm bored or unmotivated.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Hopefully not, but I used to get prompts stolen a lot when I RP'd back in ye olden days.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Maybe. A few people have asked, but never followed up. I totally get it. That's a lot of work.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not necessarily as a co-author, but I've done Bangs and had betas/artists that were essential to the process.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Y'all know I love me some SamBucky, but I do hold onto MorMor still. It just scratches the itch in my brain.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

So many. I think the one I most want to write but have the least confidence in finishing it is a Sam/Steve/Bucky Hunchback of Notre Dame AU. It's set in a future-Hydra Won world and has assassin and spy intrigue and so many identity issues

16. What are your writing strengths?

I always say dialogue on this question and I always hope it's true.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

1) Remembering to describe things, but I think if I have time I'm pretty good at going back and filling in the gaps. 2) Getting out of the research phase. I love to read about things and make as full of a story as possible, but I often spend so long doing that, I either lose confidence or lose interest in the actual writing.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If you've read (never) Lost in Translation, you'll know I'll use it. If you read the comments on that fic you'll also know I'm bad at it and it takes a village.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Technically Twilight but I don't really count that. Really really officially, it was Sherlock/MorMor.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Currently it's Tell It to the Bees (and the birds). I also really like A Time for Dancing and i found something in the woods somewhere

Please, anyone who wants to do this, do so! I love reading responses to these kinds of things!

[kerosenecrushh]

20 questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @sensitiveheartless (kind of, they left it open at the end to anyone who wanted to do it)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

40, as of today!

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

79,131

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Bungou Stray Dogs, but I occasionally write for My Hero Academia and Sk8 the Infinity as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

tastes like candy

raw

Kinktober Day 4: Praise Kink

Kinktober Day 3: Dirty Talk

wanna get out of here?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yep, pretty much always! The only times I don’t are if someone leaves a one-word comment or I’m not sure how to respond lmao. I love when people show their appreciation for my writing, so I try to show that gratitude by replying!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I wouldn’t even necessarily classify it as angst, but the Fyolai Blood Play fic didn’t exactly end with aftercare and cuddles.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Pretty much all my fics have happy endings. I hate sad endings with a burning passion, so as a treat to myself, I just don’t write them!

8. Do you get hate on fic?

I haven’t so far, thankfully! I have had people comment vague stuff about being “traumatized” by my work, but that’s mainly people who didn’t expect to find smut, I think.

9. Do you write smut?

Yepppp haha, in fact I’ve only recently branched out to writing SFW stuff.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven’t yet, but I wouldn’t rule it out for the future. I just haven’t felt inspired to write one so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, but I have seen a fic that HEAVILY borrowed from one of mine. It pissed me off a bit, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that these things happen.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so. No one’s asked me if they could translate any of my fics, at least.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I’m curious what that would be like. So far I’ve only ever worked alone in the writing process, so think it would be challenging to adjust to working alongside someone. Again, not something I’d rule out though!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Man this is tough. Fun fact, I have a Pinterest board for ships with 26 subsections of specific ships, so there are plenty to choose from here. Soukoku and BakuDeku are ones I love to write and consume content for, but my favorite to actually write would probably be Ranpoe. They’re just so fluffy! I always feel better after writing a fic about them.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

There’s this one idea I had based on a BSD theory that ended up being wrong. It would essentially be a long multi-chapter fic where abilities were written out of existence, so the story restarts at the beginning and the characters all eventually find each other, even without abilities or past memories pushing them together. So, for instance, Kunikida would still be a math teacher; Atsushi would never have been kicked out of the orphanage; Yosano would (interestingly enough) be working at a candy shop; and so on. I don’t know that I’ll ever get around to writing it, since it’ll take a TON of research on the canon materials. I’ve started the planning phase but it truly is a mammoth of a fic. Link to my theory if you’re interested in the details.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think characterization is a strength of mine. I also typically have a first draft that’s like 95% ready to post, since I edit while writing. I usually do a quick read-through, change a word here or there, and post.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Non-character details (like setting). I get too caught up in the action! I can also be impatient with transitions between scenes, hence the massive amount of one-shots.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I’ve translated one word for a fic, but even that felt a bit cheesy when I did it. I try to avoid it, since there’s almost definitely native speakers out there cringing at literal translations and google translate errors in fics.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The first one I wrote for was Bungou Stray Dogs, and that remains the one I write for the most!

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Kinktober Day 31. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I must have read it at least 5 times now. I’m really proud of how it turned out.

Following @sensitiveheartless’s example, I hereby tag anyone who sees this and wants to do it! Have fun!

[lokigodofaces]

I finished Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

And this might just be because it's 3 am, but there's so many thoughts swirling in my head about this show. I just finished the final episode, so most of what I'm going to say is on the emotional end, I need more time to process it for anything more than that (and probably not at 3 am). This is all just going to be on the scale of somewhat opinionated to very opinionated rambling from me.

I've never really experienced something like Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. Gosh, I'm trying to think of something comparable. Maybe, maybe Clone Wars (I watched it in 7th grade, and for the new season I rewatched it all and the final season and that was an experience). Even still, AoS was different.

They took a Phase One character that everyone loved. No comic origins, just a random S.H.I.E.L.D. dude. And it spiraled from there to the point that when the "Asgardian Mussolini" (Coulson's words, not mine) killed him and everyone loved him to the point that Marvel was willing to make risks with AoS.

By no means was AoS perfect. But, darn it, it is one of, if not the best parts of the MCU without a doubt. Heck, several things that happen in the MCU movies or other TV happen similarly in AoS, but better. Evil robots? Done better multiple times. Time travel? Done better so many times. There's so many things like this. AoS honestly has ruined me for 90% of the rest of the MCU. It's kind of hard to watch Age of Ultron after watching season 4.

Part of it is that I've probably had more screen time with several of the AoS characters than other MCU characters, but I feel so much more connected with the AoS characters. There are exceptions, Bucky and Loki trump pretty much everyone at least for me and my personal thoughts and feelings. But that's two people on the same playing field as AoS. I adore the AoS characters, or hate them if that's what's needed, or love/hate them.

My roommate is watching AoS for the first time, so I also watched the pilot earlier today. Which was an experience, watching the pilot and then the finale. I think that really added to the experience for me.

I wish I could write down my thoughts for every character, every episode, etc (maybe some day I will). But that's too much for one post at what is now 4 am (believe me, I tried talking about all of the characters, that's why it's been an hour since I started this). But Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is truly special and I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone.

This probably isn't coherent and doesn't give evidence, but whatever. But I thought I'd end with what might be my favorite quote from the series.

"We are not agents of nothing, we are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and that still carries weight! It has to carry weight. After everything we've been through, that carries weight."

Phil Coulson

[taleofharrison]

Part 2

Pairing: Calum Hood x Holland!Singer!Reader and Tom Holland x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 785 (Blurb 2/5)

A/N: You didn’t hate part 1! I’m so happy so as I finished part 2 this morning I decided to keep these parts as an introduction, I don’t really know how long this will be yet but I want it to have less than 10 parts or so and after that I want to make blurbs and stuff to fill gaps or conitnue with the story I want each moment to be special and detailed because Tom and 5sos are my comfort celebrities and I also want you guys to be part of the story too and request stuff if you want. I really want to create a whole AU aout of this.

MASTERLIST HERE | AU MASTERLSIT HERE

The last time you remember feeling this nervous was when you had your first big concert and the trip from the airport to the studio where you would meet one of your favorite bands just seemed longer with every minute passing and Los Angeles usual traffic wasn’t making it easier it just felt like you had been in the car for years now.

Once you could see the usual studio where you usually work you felt a knot forming on your stomach excitement probably or maybe just nervousness anyways the building in front of you felt so unfamiliar like a new unknown place suddenly you felt small.

“Y/N you’re here!” Laura exclaimed hugging you “they are waiting in that room.”

With a deep breath you pushed the door open the four guys turning to see you all of them smiling at the sight of you.

“Y/N so glad we can finally meet you” Luke first spoke.

“Hi-uhm I’m glad to meet you too I’m a big fan” you told them in starstruck.

“Good because we love your music too” Ashton giggled.

Only a nervous laugh came out of you, one of your favorite bands knew and liked your music this was insane.

“Should we start now?”

…

“TOM I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY WORKING WITH MY IDOLS”

Tom laughed at your reaction over facetime though you were meant to spend these days with your brothers in Atlanta playing on set and chatting with Zendaya in a sort of weird kind of vacation, but you couldn’t lie you were happy your agent called you to interrupt them.

“I’m happy for you sis” he chuckled.

“Is Harry there? I wanna talk to him too.”

“He’s already asleep” he said, “but tell me is Calum as cute in person as you imagined?”

“Shut up” you groaned “I didn’t pay him that much attention.”

“So, you are telling me that you didn’t check out your childhood crush” he mocked “seriously?”

“Well, he’s my co-worker now” you told him “this is strictly platonic I wouldn’t make a move or something.”

“So, you still have a crush on him!” he exclaimed.

“It was a celebrity crush nothing serious” you replied, “it’s the first time I talk to him plus I got over my screaming teenager fangirl phase.”

“If that helps you sleep at night okay.”

Tom ended the call maybe he was right maybe he wasn’t; you didn’t even know how to feel in the same room as Calum given the fact that not only had you looked up to him and his band for years but you still thought he was cute. The cutest guy in the band and just his presence would make you nervous.

A few days working into the song with 5sos you dared to say that they became your best friends. The chemistry between all of you was so good the song was already written it took you less than 3 days to find the words for the song with them was so easy and you loved their creative process, and it was now time to record the song it was taking a little longer since you guys were playing with the music and lyrics you had created most of time changing them and bending them just to create something even more perfect.

“I think that’s enough for today” you said to the mic so that Luke could hear you.

“Did that sound good?” he asked.

“Perfect dude I think we’re almost there with this one” Ashton told him. Luke took off the headphones and left the recording booth.

“So same time tomorrow?” Luke tried to confirm once he was in the same room as the rest of you.

“Yeah, guess I’ll see you guys” you smiled waving goodbye at them.

You were outside the building waiting for your uber to arrive it wouldn’t take long or at least that’s what the app said anyways meanwhile Calum was hoping you’d still near so that he could talk to you without the guys around to make fun of him.

“Y/N! Good you’re still here” he sighed in relief when he saw you.

“Uh- my uber isn’t here yet of course I’d be… here” you said slightly taken aback by his reaction “Is something wrong?”

“No, I just was wondering if you wanted to get a coffee or something one of these days?” he asked, “just the two of us.”

“Like a date?” you tried to confirm holding back a smile which came out anyways.

“Yeah, if you want that” he smiled back “is tomorrow after work okay?”

“It’s perfect” you said and as if on cue your uber arrived “Uhm goodbye.”

“Yeah bye”

Tags: @theshyspy

[hargrove-mayfields]

Autistic max? I’m all in -🦖

yes!! Max being on the spectrum is one of my favorite headcanons! Here’s a bit of my thoughts and hcs for you anon! <3

okay so first i wanna talk a little about where this hc came from! this idea was born in my head for a multitude of reasons, but the general summary is this:

-she misses a lot of social+emotional cues! she didn’t pick up on just how annoyed Mike was with her in the gym and kept pushing until El intervened, she didn’t detect any of Lucas’ panic or frustration when he was explaining the upside down to her until he touches her, and when el is jealous and just not interested in meeting her, she seems to be completely unfazed by that until she walks away. also every scene she has with Billy, he’s very shut off and she seems to be confused about what she’s expected to say, missing that he’s angry until he’s lashing out, and idk to me it just seems like she doesn’t really have a grasp on understanding others’ emotions!

-similarly, she only seems to react in the face of immediate danger, as if she’s a lot of the time unaware of how bad things truly are around her. like when she’s helping to find dart without even knowing what’s going on, driving a whole muscle car and going down into the tunnels without a hint of fear, seeming barely concerned when the mindflayer was about to drop through the ceiling. it’s almost like she has trouble fully processing the consequences of certain things, which could also explain why she sneaks out even though she probably knows what Neil is like and the fact that it could potentially put her in danger.

-the way she dresses just screams tactile sensitivity! she doesn’t ever wear anything flowy, any scratchy materials, and even at the snowball, where we see Susan fussing over her, she’s still dressed for comfort. what young girl with a mother clearly interested in making her pretty is going to get away with wearing jeans to a school dance if she doesn’t have sensory issues?

-also, whenever she gets upset she seems to shut down. like she almost never talks to Billy after he yells at her unless it’s necessary, when her and Lucas are talking on top of the bus it definitely seems like she’s struggling to voice her feelings or put words to her emotions, when Billy’s in the sauna, after he’s activated she starts turning in on herself, and after his death she’s just sitting in his room. like maybe she doesn’t really understand her own emotions that well either.

I’m not really viewing any of this as like, solid evidence or anything btw, these are just some things I’ve noticed about her as an autistic girl her age and living in a very similar situation that I think are neat and relatable!

onto the stuff I literally made up because I love her!

-Susan gives me autism mommy vibes. Like, making it her identity that she has a child with autism, and at times that can get super frustrating for Max because she hates being her mom’s little trophy daughter, gossiped about at all the potlucks so people feel sorry for her. Her absolute least favorite thing is “She’s such a handful.” and when Susan pulls the I’m so lonely because of taking care of you card to make her feel bad. Especially because she doesn’t feel very taken care of, once she’d hit a certain age her mother decided she’d be alright without all that “kid stuff” and basically tossed her into the world on her on. (hence why she’s Billys responsibility)

-In the 80s (and still now if we’re being entirely honest) it was very normal to just throw a casual r slur into conversation and it kills Max every time her friends say it, especially Mike because she thinks he’s being mean and doesn’t like her. She doesn’t know how to explain to them that that hurts her feelings because she doesn’t even know how to bring it up that she’s autistic. Billy tells her once to try to cheer her up that he could beat them up for her but she cries even harder because that’s what she doesn’t want, is for them to think she’s overreacting. He feels bad and tries to make up for it bringing it up with some of the moms of the group and asking that they tell their kids to stop using that word ever.

-In California she was in special ed classes, but Hawkins Middle deems that not necessary for someone of her “functioning level” (yuck) and she gets landed in coed instead. It might’ve been alright if that was how she started her education, but she was already used to classes of four or five kids like her, and she just cannot learn in that new environment. So she does really, really bad in school her first year in Hawkins. She feels kind of self conscious around her friends because they’re all so smart and her grades make her feel stupid even though it’s not her fault, and that’s why she kinda drifts towards being close with El because she struggles with learning things too.

-Smells are probably her worst overstimulation triggers. Things like cigarette smoke, fresh brewed coffee, her moms perfume, cooking and baking smells, the automatic air freshener thing, candles. Pretty much anything stronger than the smell of water is just overwhelming for her, especially if there’s something else already working her up, because then a whiff of something too strong can put her straight into a meltdown. Billy decides to quit smoking for her (he’ll never admit that, he’s adamant that it was because it was messing with his lung capacity and he’s trying to work out) and he also does things like buy Susan a new, less offensive perfume for her birthday and open windows to get stuffy air out of the house. They never really talk about what that does for her but like, that’s part of how they start getting closer, is when he starts making little accommodations for her like that.

-In addition to smells, there are very specific sounds she can’t stand. It’s not all loud noises, some of them like the rev of Billy’s car or a bass guitar at an outdoor amphitheater are some of her favorites, but the ones she doesn’t like, she really hates. Things like styrofoam, dishes hitting off of each other, something scratching against ice that builds up in the freezer, TV static, the toaster popping up or the oven beeping, and people who can’t chew with their mouths closed (looking at you Billy, keep that gum in your mouth please) all make her feel gross. She’ll try to physically shake off the way those sounds make her feel but sometimes they’re just too much and she shuts down for a while until she gets to hear something else. In that case usually really quiet music or someone talking to her quietly can reel her back in.

-Her interests vary a lot! The longest she’s ever held one special interest was a Miss Piggy phase! Susan liked that she was showing interest in a feminine character because of a lot of her si’s were tomboyish, but Max liked Piggy because she knew karate and punched people who laughed at her or tried to make her feel bad about herself! She has all sorts of Piggy collectibles, like toys, bed sheets, posters, books, mugs and watches! Otherwise her interests and fixations tend to come and go pretty quickly, like one week she could want to know everything there is to know about pro skaters, and the next she’s into the history of circuses! She liked cars for a little while and Billy was really excited to indulge in that and let her get familiar with the camaro, but she shifted to video games pretty soon after and he had to let it drop.

-Another interest that’s also pretty constant for her is nature! Not only for the sensory experience of it, listening to leaves rustle and birds chirp and water rush, but also all the knowledge about it. She can identify any type of flower, grass, tree, critter, or fungus! When she’s melting down and needs to be away from the house, she asks Billy to take her to the state park so she can just sit and be quiet and calm down on a fallen tree or a swing set somewhere. They do have some woods behind their house but she’s too afraid to venture out there and prefers to be out with her brother anyways.

-Stims! She’ll fiddle with zippers and buttons and loose threads constantly to the point that they buy her three or four of the same jackets and shirts for when she inevitably breaks them. She also chews on sleeves and hoodie strings a lot. Other tactile stims she favors are string tricks and braiding and tieing knots! Braiding her and Billy’s hair is something she’ll do anytime she needs to feel grounded, and she has a whole bunch of those little wooden boards that kids use to learn how to tie their shoes to tie knots with. She also always has a pocketful of yarn, and her favorite thing to make with them is a spider web or a star!

-Sort of related to her fascination with string is that her shoelaces never ever match, she has like a whole drawer in her room full of different ones to change them out! (and she has Miss Piggy Bow Biters to put on them!)

-She’s also a very verbal stimmer at times! Giggles for days with Max, if she’s excited, happy, nervous, whatever, she’s giggling. Humming and mimicking too, like if she hears a sound she likes she’ll try to make it, whether it be part of a song or something she hears outside. But if she is sad she’ll get as quiet as a mouse.

Idk these are just like my sort of canon compliant hcs I guess? Like what I feel would be true for her in the timeline and storyline of the show!

[withoneheadlight]

Fic Writer Questions

I was tagged by @neonponders, thank you so much, love! 🔅🔅🔅💓💓

How many works do you have on AO3?

I have a few accounts? xD I’ve got 23 in the one I’m using now, but it's all very tiny.

What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

54,159

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

mmmm…

Game of Thrones

Supernatural

Teen Wolf

Harry potter

Pacific rim

Stranger Things

And a few minor fandoms

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

‘That’s how you close an open wound’ | ‘Kinda wanna make us happen’ | ‘It burns in my tongue’ | ‘The Buckley-Hargrove dilemma’ | ‘Forget the paths written in the palm of your hand’

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I always, always try to. Sometimes It might take me a little while to get to things but I try to never forget to answer. I honestly appreciate the effort it takes to leave a comment or a note or tags in a reblog, and I also try to always answer to those. I think it’s important to show to that person how much it means to you that they’ve taken the time to reach out. Because it is so important to the writer. So important it can even be determinant for us to keep on writing.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Uff. It was a Ned/Robert, for Game of Thrones (more like Asoiaf). And I basically cried the whole time. I still do, when I re-read it. I managed to actually capture something, in that one.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Sometimes? I wrote a Supernatural/Lost Boys thing back in the day that’s still 2? 3? Chapters from being finished? Hopefully one day. And I have not as much a crossover as an ‘inspired on’ the Goonies universe Teen Wolf fic where Derek and Stiles go to Stiles’ mom natal town to investigate a polish ghost pirate ship while falling in love. And a tiny harringrove /Men in Black au where Agent S and Agent B end up paired with a demo-puppy.

Wich one's the craziest, I honestly don't know. All of them feel pretty ??? to me! xD

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yeh, a few times. Basically just bc of writing m|m, of bc my 'awful writing' or for catboy!Steve xD.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yep. I’ve always considered myself more smut writer than anything else. Now I guess I’m a smut writer with pretensions xD. (Truth be told, when I started writing I didn't imagine I would be capable of writing anything more than that). So I wasn’t actyally writing that much smut when I landed on harringrove. I was more focused on the pretensions (aka the gosh pirate ship fic). But harringrove and their chemistry hit me hard, I literally put aside everything else and started writing them like crazy, including lots of smut bc hfahfsafhfhsifhs. Another reason is that it’s hard for me to keep other kinds of stories short, but smut not that much (I get an idea for an slightly emotionally charged scene I like and I suddenly feel the need to write 10k for it minimum). So I focused more on smutty stuff when I jumped into this language, as a way to have something finished on my hands, feel like I was making some kind of progress (BUT ALSO: THE CHEMISTRY).

And I guess my smut comes in diametric opposites, or at least that’s how I perceive it. Plain, straightforward smut, or heavily (in my head, at least) emotional smut. I’M IN LOVE WITH the way we can use touch and slow pace and physical sensations and glances to enhance what we’re saying about emotions in a sexual scene.

Also, and contradictorily, smut is so hard to write sometimes for me! So another good thing is that when I finish one smutty story I suddenly feel like a can write anything! Haha.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeh. A few times. Both Sterek oneshots :(.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yess! <3<3<3< To Chinese and Russian and English and I <3<3<3<3<3<3<33<3<3<3<

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Was about two once, with a friend. But sadly both out lives became real busy, so didn’t. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll be cut for it, but I wanted to test it.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

The last ship I land on always feels like my fav to me. But it might be true in this case. Bc yeah, harringrove.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Ufff, too many.

What are your writing strengths?

Uh. Eh. Well. I hopeguess sometimes it sounds good? I can’t control that in eng as much as i do in spa bc I don’t have any real knowledge of the phonology but, well. I try. And that’s one of the aspects I put more thought/work into because I LOVE that.

Sometimes I like my dialogue and sometimes I like my pacing/rhythm. Sometimes I feel like I’ve managed to convey/describe one feeling the way I wanted to.

I dunno. I try to keep my head in a the ‘get the work done’ space not as much as in the ‘is good’. Not easy but, again, try is the key word in here.

I rely a lot in the editing process but I think I’m actually good at that. At least, when I finish, I like the prettified version way more than the ‘raw’ one.

What are your writing weaknesses?

My writing reads the same way my brain works: in a cluttered, messy way. And I don’t like it but. I feel like I can’t change it. Can control it, sometimes. I manage to keep the ‘too much’ at bay but other times it just wins me. I also keep rolling my eyes at how sticky-sweet I can get and despise the way I keep repeating formulas and sentence structures (I feel you @neonponders ) but. Ugh. They just. Happen? Gah.

But! I actually feel more at peace with all that than it might look like xD. ‘Cause the alternatives is not writing and that I cannot do so 🤷‍♂️

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Ahhh, I LOVE IT! Started doing it with the kegboys, basically to treat myself XD, and I’ve got it in a few wips and also in this dumb thing I wrote. I think it’s fun, and it also adds certain feeling of expansion to the world the characters live in, helps us remember there’s more (people, places, types of lives and ways of communicating and meanings) aside from the ones represented in the scene/wholeness of the story. I’m aware that too much can be confusing and tiring for the reader, but not more than a bit is needed, really. Also, can be used to induce some fun misunderstandings xD.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Some fantasy book series I was reading at the moment, during my ‘epic fantasy’ phase xD.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably one supernatural fic I wrote ages ago. It isn’t particularly well written or anything. But was one of the first longer-ish things I wrote. And I still feel proud about that one. And I always felt so happy writing Theon Greyjoy, so I really love the things I wrote for him. And the ship fic, again, if I ever finish it! Except I feel like I can’t stop writing harringrove.

I’m tagging! @memes-saved-me @edith-moonshadow @disdaidal @dyingontheharringrovehill @wherearetheplums @c0bblenygma @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger @pretty-bratty @ghostofjellyfishforgotten

[aelysianmuse]

DESTIEL FIC REC

Okay, so, fanfiction is something that has brought me so much joy, entertainment and comfort during these hard times. These are the Destiel fics that I have bookmarked and would suggest for everyone to read. They are top notch in every department and I’ve read each and every multiple times. I wrote them down from the lowest word count to the highest and I linked the authors to their tumblr accounts, whenever I could find them, so please go shower them with love!

Touchstone - by xylodemon -   Words: 3,519 - Summary: "You're in pain," Cas says finally. He sounds sad. (Episode tag for 11x03, the one where Dean is hurt but doesn’t think he deserves Cas healing him. Cas disagrees and makes heals him in loveliest, most tender way. Everything is beautiful.)

Colette - by englandwouldfall - Words: 4,218 - Summary: Cain’s prediction keeps ringing in his ears. He’s going to kill Crowley, then Cas, then Sam. It makes sense to him. He hates how much sense it makes, but there’s something almost poetic about it; it’s circular, neat, the Mark wants it. The Mark wants to destroy everything, but most of all it wants to destroy Dean. And that would do it. (Episode tag 10x14, Dean struggling with the Mark, unable to deal with all the anger and urge to kill and Cas trying to be his savior Collette. Feelings are acknowledged but things are far more complicated than that.)

Newton’s Third - by felolle - Words: 6,220 - Summary: “How can I be running from something when I’m racing toward it?” “I dunno -- kinda your thing.” Thanks for the call out, little brother (Episode tag 14x03, Cas helping Dean deal with Michael possession. Awesome character portrayal!)

Take me home tonight - by persephoneshadow -  Words: 8,111 -  Summary: The one where Cas wants to have sex and Dean is there to help (It’s a PWP where it takes some jealousy for Dean to get his head out of his ass - and Cas knows exactly what he’s doing)

Boys on film - by loversantiquities - Words: 8,540 - Summary: But maybe that’s what it is—maybe Castiel’s finally realized something Dean is too chicken to admit, despite the fact he’s been jerking off to the idea of Castiel fucking him for the past few weeks. The idea warms him as much as it pains him to think about, his friend not being able to talk to him about something like that. That has to be it—it’s the only explanation. Castiel likes him.“Or maybe he knows you do cam shows.”Dean chokes on his burger. (Basically Dean does cam-shows, Cas knows. They get it on in the end.)

Cuckoo and Nest - by komodobits - Words: 10, 190 - Summary: For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental.It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. (Boys walking on eggshells around each other, Castiel mistaking Dean’s neatness for annoyance about Cas’s lack of thereof, Dean mistaking Cas’s apprehension for having one foot out of the door. Miscommunication that gets resolved. It’s delightful!)

Just turn around and go - by Porcupinegirl - Words: 11,320 - Summary: Dean should be happy. His best friend and housemate of five years, Castiel, is moving out to live with his boyfriend, Balthazar. Dean's career is going great, so he can easily afford the house on his own now. This is just growing up, moving forward to the next phase of their lives.It would be awesome, if he weren't in love with Cas. (Some angst and miscommunication among roomies who are in love but needed a little push to finally do something about it, and that push is Cas deciding to move out and live with his actual boyfriend. Things work out just fine.)

So glad we made it - by annie d (scaramouche) - Words: 16,421 - Summary: At twelve years old, Dean makes a friend, who becomes his best friend, who will eventually become the love of his life. (Destiel fic in which they know each other since childhood and take their sweet-ass time with admitting to each other that they’re otp: meant to be. But it happens. Timeline of little snippets that show them falling in love and owning that shit up, at last!)

I know who I want to take me home- by annodominique -  Words: 17,548 - Summary: The one where Dean and Cas are new workmates who hate each other's guts, are somehow forced into driving each other crazy because they secretly want to fuck, and they might have fallen in love with each other in the process. (Lots of sexual tension, mutual pining and enemies to lovers storyline - all in a nursing home. It’s amazing and absolutely heartwarming.)

Welcome to humanity - by winnywriter -  Words: 19,944 - Summary: Castiel is falling, slowly but surely becoming fully human. Every day there is something new to discover, and many of those discoveries are not wholly pleasant ones. And the whole time, Dean can't help but worry about the fact that the further the angel falls, the more he finds he likes the human Cas is becoming. (It’s exactly what the summary says it is. Moments of Castiel slowly becoming human and Dean trying to help him navigate that path while navigating it himself in the most Dean way possible)

On air - by wincechesters - Words: 21,219 - Summary: Cas and Dean are radio DJs who host the second most popular morning show in Lawrence. They’ve been co-hosts for years at different stations across the country, and they own a house together out of necessity, even though they’re just friends. But for some reason, a lot of their listeners and even some of their friends and family seem to think that they’re secretly in some kind of relationship, which they’re totally not (besides that one time that totally doesn’t count). In spite of that, Dean thinks he’s got everything figured out, until an ill-fated on air game of Truth or Dare turns everything upside down (and the billboards around town aren’t helping either). (Friends to lovers story that’s very well summarized, so I have nothing to add except that it’s such a wonderful read, this author is absolutely amazing and you should definitely read it.)

The Beach House in the Winter - by englandwouldfall - Words: 23,715 - Summary: They're not exactly in a good place right now, so it was probably a bad idea to agree to a full Milton family reunion at their old summer haunt to mark a year since Cas' father died.Obviously, he did it anyway. (This is a second part of a series, I absolutely suggest reading all of the works ‘cause they’re equally wonderful, but I read this one first and individually and loved it the most so I’m suggesting it. Look at tag warnings. It’s about Dean having panic attacks mid sex due to trauma, Castiel trying to treat him right and handle the situation properly. They love each other so much ugh)

There are many things - by imogenbynight -  Words: 28,807 - Summary: In which Dean and Castiel learn, through trial and error, how to be together. (What starts out as an angsty fic that follows Cas’s human experience after Dean kicked him out of the bunker, turns into a Destiel falling in love fic as they find their way back to one another)

Sometimes it fits - by ballsdeepinwinchesters -  Words: 37,720 - Summary: Castiel is an over-worked, socially awkward neurosurgeon; Dean is the ruggedly handsome paramedic that asks him out for drinks. The rest kind of fell into place. (Two hotties with busy work schedules having lots of sex and being domestic. It’s a lot of fluff and smut. No angst.)

Put up your dukes - by saltyfeathers - Words: 38, 282 - Summary: Dean can't sleep. Cas offers to tire him out. (Dean struggling to accept the sexual tension relief Castiel is oh-so-eager to offer. So much tension, sparring goodness and bed sharing.)

All’s well that ends well - englandwouldfall - Words:  52,326 - Summary: Dean knew the second he took off that he shouldn't have left, but that didn't mean he could have guessed what he'd be coming back home to. (It’s actually a part 4 of the series, and I do suggest reading the entire series, but I read it first and individually before even realizing this and I absolutely loved it nonetheless. It’s about both Dean and Cas having made some poor choices in the past, abandonment and infidelity and two of them loving each other so much that they’re willing to forgive and fight for each other no matter what. Angsty and beautiful.)

A midterms night’s dream - by englandwouldfall -  Words: 75,756 - Summary: There's at least fifteen good reasons why they're not sleeping together, it's just that Dean can’t remember them when Cas sends him one second dirty snapchats to goad him into doing the dishes. (One of my absolutely favorite fics and one of my top 3 fic authors (does a lot of series, which gets you really emotionally invested!). I suggest you read literally every single Destiel story written by this author, ‘cause it’s consistent in character portrayal and in invoking emotional response and I’ll probably explicitly write down at least one more story that I particularly liked from them. This one’s about them being college roomates who’re basically oblivious to sharing sentiment of wanting to be in relationship with the other, so they pine emotionally while having exceptional we-are-strictly-fuck-buddies sex)

Version 2.0 - by elizabeth1985 - Words: 75,937 - Summary: Life is nothing but a series of processes. We rise, we work, we function within the walls we’ve designed for ourselves. Dean Winchester does not deviate from this system. Heavily tattooed and a certified genius; Dean necessitates control. Relationships are a no-go. Too messy, unpredictable. And yeah, he knows having casual sex with his best friend, roommate, and business partner is a dumbass move. But Cas’ suggestion is impossible to resist.What Dean doesn’t expect and couldn’t possibly predict is the unique way Cas manages to shut down his mile-a-minute mind, giving him a level of inner peace he’d thought to be unattainable.What starts out of convenience morphs into a dynamic emotional slide neither of them were prepared for, forcing them to decide what they’re willing to risk. (Cas and Dean being business partners turning to fuck buddies turning to mutually pining idiots, where Cas won’t let things progress further ‘cause Dean is so entwined in every single aspect of his life that he’s absolutely terrified to lose it all. But Dean makes an effort to show him otherwise!) + It’s hard to fool around in a tent (Words: 5,861)

Any little heartbreak - by followthattardis - Words: 76,897 - Summary: Dean Winchester knows everything there is to know about the human heart. Well. Anatomically speaking. (Very Grey’s Anatomy-y, Dean is a thriving cardiosurgeon, Cas is his new surgical nurse assistant, there are so many well written characters, so much gossip, gratuitous sex and eventually a relationship. It’s so lovely, ugh I love this writer.)

A crash course in computer safety - by followthattardis - Words:  85,269 - Summary: On the day of his 29th birthday, Dean receives an email from his old nemesis: Michael Milton, the guy who got him kicked out of college and stole his girlfriend. The email contains encoded images with top secret CIA/NSA intelligence – and now their only copy is in Dean’s brain. Both agencies send their best operatives – Castiel Novak and Victor Henriksen respectively – to handle their accidental asset and protect the invaluable data in his head. To justify their sudden appearance in Dean’s life, they adopt covers: Victor as Dean’s new co-worker and neighbor, Cas as his new boyfriend. Needless to say, Dean’s brother and his girlfriend are thrilled to see him in a relationship they believe to be real. Clearly, there’s no way this could go wrong. (This is a NBC: Chuck AU and one of my top 3 fics ever. I haven’t watched Chuck at all and regardless of whether you have or not, I don’t wanna write anything else in this section ‘cause I enjoyed discovering every bit of information on my own. I’ve literally taken this fic and studied/analyzed it as a writer myself to take pointers on accurate character portrayal and writing style. It’s book material, I’d literally buy anything this author writes. It’s becoming a series and more content is to come so I suggest subscribing.) + Curtain up (Words: 10,311)

La hantise (The only work in progress fic here) - by quiettewandering - Words:  87,468 - Summary: Castiel’s mother dies, leaving him the family home that sits abandoned on the moody coast of Maine. He’s forced to return to the past ghosts of his trauma, as well as meeting the mysterious and nomadic Dean Winchester. Dean offers to help Castiel fix up the house so he can sell it, which quickly becomes problematic as Castiel begins to develop feelings for Dean; especially when details of Dean’s troubling past come to light.This is a story about the sea, second chances, and two broken, forgotten people building a love between them while restoring a broken, forgotten house. (Romance, ghosts, house renovation, cliffhangers, angst - I am awful with WP’s, never read them till they’re done ‘cause I’m an impatient one but this is the one I couldn’t resist and thoroughly enjoy)

Ignore the butterflies: best friend advice from Dean Winchester - by impatient14 - Words:  114,837 - Summary: Dean likes his doctor, but his doctor doesn’t like him.Accidental friendship ensues, heartwarming bonding type moments occur, and oops!friends become best!friends.But best friends aren’t supposed to feel the way Dean feels about Castiel. He knows this. So he ignores all the things that he can’t help feeling. When he sits and watches a movie with his best friend or when they are arguing about which method of coffee brewing is best, he pointedly doesn’t look at his friends lips, or the adorable way he tilts his head when he doesn’t understand.Dean ignores his feelings.That’s the way he knows how to keep his best friend.Just ignore the butterflies. (Dean is a heroic firefighter who ends up in stand-offish Castiel’s ER and flirts mercilessly with him, but to no avail. Cas is not made of stone, though, he’s just trying to protect his little heart ‘cause Dean does scary heroic things. It’s super emotional, go read it.)

Keeping you in sight - by gingerswag - Words:  136,374 - Summary: Castiel valued his solitude, and was happy to stay hidden away in the mountains for the rest of his life. But when his seeing eye dog dies, that solitude is suddenly broken when Gabriel shows up not with another dog but an actual human slave. Castiel doesn't believe in slavery, but he can't turn away the very hurt and broken man he's given. (This is a slavery fic, look up the tag warnings! It’s extremely angsty, it has a very human and rational ending which not might satisfy those looking for a conclusive, expressed fairytale ending for these two. It’s about Dean having gone through a lot of trauma and Cas being extremely lonely and two of them trying to mend each other while going through an excruciatingly painful healing process. I don’t think I can summarize it in a way that envelops everything that happens in this fic - it’s a tougher read but absolutely wonderfully written and very angsty)

Stay with me, sweetheart - by mandalarose - Words: 142,926 - Summary: A single moment's distraction ends with a serious car accident that leaves Castiel trapped in his vehicle. Fortunately for him, fire fighter Dean Winchester is there, never leaving Castiel's side as the rest of his company work to free him from the mangled remains of his SUV.When the two meet again in the ICU, Castiel finds himself just as drawn to and comforted by the handsome fireman as he was during his accident. Dean is certainly attractive, but single father Castiel doesn't have time or space in his life for a romantic relationship.Then again, there's no harm in making a new friend, is there? (Dean is so whipped, so is Cas but he tries really hard not to get invested ‘cause everyone leaves and it’s not a commodity he can afford now that he’s got a baby. Thankfully for him, Dean is all-in kind of guy who’s gonna make all the right choices, one after another, fighting to show Cas that he can have what he desires and deserves, even after multiple attempts of Cas’s to push him away. Love conquers all!)

Four Letter Word for Intercourse - by bendingsignpost - Words:  194,739 - Summary: As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties.What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right? (I think I probably read this story a hundred times. Fantastically written fic where Dean is a student discovering his sexuality through a phone sex line, struggling with having to take over family business and Cas is a professor with a sidejob, with whom Dean interacts wordlessly at the library. It tackles on mental health, on wonderful sex dynamics, coming out and lots of other stuff. It’s one of the best writen fics out there, along with the other works in this series that I highly suggest to read: A Little Anal - Words: 18,805 and What makes a man kneel - Words: 9,920)

[loverontheleft]

Long anon has thoughts and I’m here to reply but also I’m fucking wasted

Okay, different anon, but I love giving unsolicited advice (joking, joking... kind of), so I had to chime in. Plus I think I’ve read RtL like 2 or 3 times in full now (way more if you count all the times I’ve read a chapter because of the sex scene and then just kept reading after that), so I’m very invested. God you’re better than me. I didn’t mind chapter 30. It wasn’t my personal favorite scene (that’s just really not my jam, if I wanna revel in the angst, I prefer the later chapters), but with some tweaks I do think it was a good addition. Like, it did give the relationship a little more, I’m not sure if this is the right word, respectability? Realism? Weight? It showed that they’re not just clouded by lust or the honeymoon phase. Which is where I get into the conflict of fanfic imagine writing vs fiction writing. Most fanfic readers seem like they don’t want the plot and the character growth and the realism. The point is fantasy. I can do that short-term, but in a long-haul series like this…angst is necessary. Tension is necessary. Their relationship doesn’t exist in this perfect little bubble, it’s “perfect” because they’re really compatible, and that’s even more important than love in a longterm relationship. It showcased how much Brendon is devoted to his work, which is one of the reasons the reader loves him, but it has the real possibility of causing real issues that they need to address and work through. Now, again, it needs a little work. I don’t love that B basically accused the reader of being intentionally malicious, and I also don’t love that she was more of the victim rather than it being a two-way conflict. I think it could’ve had more of a build-up (I know you said you sort of wrote this without a plan so it makes sense that the build-up wasn’t as much as I think it needed to be, but, hey, that’s the beauty of rewriting it.) and oh rewriting it will be a thing eventually. Like she doesn’t love that he’s overworking and she brings it up a few times throughout like 3 to 5 chapters before nationals, and it sort of gradually goes from the reader going, “hey I think your hyperfocus on your job is starting to affect both your quality of life and our relationship” (obviously in a way that’s more writer-y and less information dump-y lol) to “I’m starting to feel like a toy you play with when you’re interested and completely ignore when you have homework.” And then Brendon’s responses starting at, “oh I’m sorry, babe, I’ll manage my time a bit better,” all the way to, “why don’t can’t you respect my career?” Then in chapter 30, it all comes to a head and they full on fight instead of the previous semi-passive-aggressive communication they had before. I like you; you understand what my brain is trying to do with this rewrite.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, as much I think fighting and arguing can be healthy and necessary, I HATED the fight in chapter 19 (at least I think it’s 19. The one where he’s like, “just talk to him, you’re being crazy”). No it’s totally bullshit I hate it too; even writing it I was like ughhhh. I love your work and I don’t want to be rude, but this is just how I feel about one chapter in an otherwise beloved series. It’s not rude; that was jammed in there for the plot and god I hated it then and I hate it now it’s just bad writing. It’s that I just think it was so out of character, for both of them to some extent, but especially Brendon it was. Maybe it’s just the reader projecting her ex onto Brendon when she’s feeling distressed, so that’s why he seems SO different from the way he was in previous chapters (hell, even earlier in that chapter no it took a sharp left turn it’s a bad chapter) and than every other chapter afterward which okay can we agree Chapters 18-26 are whaaaat is happening and 27-31 are ?? and 32 is steamy forgiveness and then 33-36 are smut but so little plot and…oh god I have so much to rewrite I’m gonna cry but he’s so fiercely passionate and protective over, not just the reader, but sort of everything that he cares enough to invest time into (teaching, music, the reader, lovemaking 😏😂, etc.) that don’t think he would’ve proposed talking to the ex at all, much less become all cold and calculating and downright rude when talking to her. I almost think it would be more realistic if she said, offhandedly, “maybe I’ll just talk to him, try to get rid of him, give him some money, I just want this over with,” and Brendon AT THAT POINT would be like, “no absolutely not, you’re being crazy/irrational .” And then it would turn into a big fight because the reader not only feels condescended and invalidated, she’s starting to feel controlled and smothered, which in conjunction with all the feelings that have been brought up with the ex in town, makes her feel like she just needs to get away from B. I guess that wouldn’t have the same effect later on at the end with the lockdown drill which I really want to cut, good lord Cece it was so extra wtf (full disclosure: at the time of writing, the school where I was a teacher had an active shooter in the area but not on campus, so I was probably processing that?? See my note below about writing as therapy), but it would still kind of work. Instead of B realizing that the reader was right about the ex, it would be the reader realizing that B really just cares for her wants what’s best for her, and ofc B would have to apologize for saying that the reader’s crazy because that’s sooo shitty. Actually, now that I think about it, that might be more effective. Other than that one argument, there wasn’t a big question of whether or not B respected the reader and her judgment, but with the ex showing up, the reader was getting scared about being in another serious relationship and being so dependent on someone else oh definitely. Doesn’t help I was using writing as my therapy since I was very out of a mentally abusive six-year relationship. I just peppered in my own trauma left and right (drunk Cece put left and write at first lmao) and left the characters to figure it out and that’s not fair to y’all so it would be much better narratively to confirm to the reader that she can trust Brendon and that he cares for her even if he messes up rather than to just have an argument that gets resolved. Which would work too if it weren’t for the fact that the characters and dialogue were so off, just maybe not quite as well. Lots of changes to be made; you’re not wrong.

Okay, I’m sorry for talking your figurative ears off omg no I love it this is a craft revision and I’m so here for it. Feel free to say I’m way overstepping because, well, I am, but I’m a fan okay!!! Idk if you’re overstepping I’m too drunk but I don’t deserve fans I’m crying yall are so wonderful And I overthink EVERYTHING, so there’s that too haha same though. These are just things to consider and jumping off points, so don’t let it change whatever you have planned. I’m sure it’ll be great, and frankly, I mostly read for the smut anyway so I don’t know why I’m so invested in the plot LMAO this is why I’m worried about Dulce being a slow burn y’all just want the smuuuut and @beautiful-tragic-fallout can tell you there’s a huge difference between my fanfic writing and my fiction writing though you’d think they’d be similar. Maybe I’ll just write it as a novel, never post it here, hope it sells, and one day y’all can be like “this book plot sounds familiar… I remember this slut who wrote a bunch on tumbl—wait, is this author actually Cece?!?” Because, reminder, Cece is an abbreviation of my second middle name and very few people actually know it at all and my published fiction writing isn’t under Cece (I’m mostly joking, but really, as long as the porn’s good, you could write anything well, thank you.) I’m sure this whole ask is riddled with typos and forgotten words and bad grammar (brevity has never been my strength), so I’d also like to apologize for all that. Listen I’m so drunk right now…I didn’t even notice. And my responses probably are too.

[bubbashawn]

hi friends

grudgingly I have to admit that I really don’t know everything about Shawn *gasp* but I know some things and y’all know some things so can you help me and send in an ask with answers you thing Shawn would say? there are 70 questions so don’t feel pressured to answer them all just answer 1 or 2 or more if you’re bored in quarantine :)

what’s keeping you busy? Writing the next album

exciting thing in your life right now?

boring thing in your life?

what recently moved you? Watching old videos from tour

what’s your favorite instrument? guitars

number of guitars you own? As of 2018, 35-40 so probably 50 by now

what’s the first song you learned? ‘The A-team’ Ed Sheeran

what’s one hobby you’ll never give up? Juggling

hobby you want to pick up? Skateboarding lol idk

you just finished a tour? In December

favorite venue? Buenos Aires

favorite performance ever? Performing ‘Youth’ with Khalid and the stoneman Douglas show choir

how would you describe yourself in 3 words? Driven, meticulous, fun

pet peeve? When people text “k”

what’s something your scared to lose? My family

what makes you angry? when people lie

whose your fashion inspiration? Mixture of manny and a “natural rockstar” as Tiffany, stylist, likes to say

fashion piece that’ll never let you down? Black skinny jeans

regrettable fashion choice? The plaid phase

one you hope that’ll never come back? Bulky diamond studs, the littles hoops are way better

what’s your favorite exercise? Ascending height hurtles

best song to run around to? ‘I Want Crazy’ by Hunter Hayes

what’s your spirit animal? A black lab

favorite candy? Chocolate

favorite thing to eat? Turkey roast dinner

least favorite thing to eat? Tomatoes

desert you can’t live without? Muffins

first memory in your life? Brian breaking his elbow on the edge of a pool

who do you look up to most in life? Aaliyah

best piece of advice you’ve received? Nerves mean you care

good rule from your parents? Go to bed

advice you’d give your 15-year-old self? Don’t try to be perfect. People don’t like you because you’re perfect they like you because you’re you.

what do you know now that you didn’t know then? This is something a person could do

where do you see yourself in 10 years? Settled down, out of the city, happy with a family

tv show you’ve binged recently? Grey’s anatomy, again

fictional character you’d want to spend the day with? Ron Weasley

fictional place you’d love to live in? Hogwarts

last movie that made you cry? Definitely, maybe

movie you can watch over and over again? Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban

favorite movie as a kid? Tarzan

any hidden talents? Like, no. Correct me if I’m wrong

can you say anything in a foreign language? “Puis-je utiliser les toilettes” May I use the toilet in French

go to dance move? Salsa

biggest surprise? Taylor swift and fans singing happy birthday on his 16th

biggest gift you’ve ever received? John Mayer’s guitar

what people are most surprised to know about you? Hates being inside

what’s your favorite thing about your sister? Her laugh

coolest thing about your family? Manny

silliest nickname you’ve ever been called? Benito

when do you feel most happy? Coming home to loved ones

when do you feel most creative? On stage

favorite song to blast in the car? ‘Still in Love’ by Thirdstory

can you tell us the name of your next song? Stuck on you

if your life was a song what would the title be? Miscommunication

do you remember what your first concert was? Taylor Swift

first thing you do when you have an idea for a song? Used to sing to Karen in the kitchen

what’s your writing process? Write it down in the leather journal from a fan

do you have to be in a certain mood to write? No - but the tone of each song will change with the mood

what song took the least amount of time to write? Something big

which took the longest? When you’re ready

how do you know a song is finished? When you smile every time you listen to it, it’s like pride overflowing

where do you keep your awards? Some in childhood bedroom with the fan mail all over the walls

what award are you proudest of? JUNO’s fan choice award, twice

what do you do on days off? Hang out with friends

whose your ‘go to’ friend? Any of them

if you had to vacation with one other person who’d it be? Niall Horan

place you like to visit? Hawaii

what do you like to do at home? Fifa against friends and chilling on the balcony with a lot of blankets

whats your most cherished item? Feather ring from Japan

one thing you can’t live without? friends and family

[propertyofnikkisthighs]

Cigarettes and Regret PT 3 (Nikki Sixx X Reader)

Hey y’all I hope you like this and it’s not a dissappointment compared to my other parts. Anyway I love validation so let me know what you think!

Warnings: Alcohol, drug mention, SMUT

“We got a fucking record deal!” Tommy screamed practically tackling you the moment you had crawled into the apartment window. He was smiling so wide you were afraid his face would split in half and the drummer would be dead from excitement.

“Babe that’s so awesome!” You yelled just as enthusiastic as him. You were incredibly proud, not just of Tommy, but of all the boys.

“I’m gonna get some beers before we rehearse. After the show tomorrow we’re gonna have a huge party, much bigger than our other parties, it’s gonna be so sick. You’ll come right?” Tommy said grabbing some cash off the kitchen counter and heading to the window..

“Of course. I want to celebrate with you guys” You beamed and you meant it. Ecstatic was an understatement. Tommy just gave you the horns and bounded out the window as a response.

You finally looked around the apartment to see Nikki fixing you with an unreadable expression. Oh Lord. You hugged Vince in congratulations and he kissed the side of your head before he went back to figure out how to remove the mannequin’s head from its body. Mick was tuning his guitar and nursing a flask you knew was full of vodka and you lightly placed your hand on his shoulder knowing he wasn’t one for a lot of physical contact. Mick wasn’t a saint and you’d seen him score his fair share of groupies, but he was the most sane of all the boys and secretly your favorite. He smiled small and restained at the contact and continued his tuning. The small touch had said all you needed to say. You finally turned your head to Nikki and motioned to his room hoping he’d get the hint that you wanted to talk to him in there. 

“So do I get a congratulations?” He teased lightly shutting the door behind him and wrapping his arms around your waist.

“I’m so fucking proud of you Nikki” You whispered leaning into his touch and looking up at him. From this position you could see his eyes which he normally kept hidden behind bangs. When did green become your favorite color?

“This is everything I have been working towards.” He looked far away and happy. “It feels like a sick dream ya know? I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to go wrong”

“It’s not gonna go wrong Nikki. You all have worked so hard from the moment you became a band. This is you getting what you deserve” You nuzzled into his neck and placed a soft kiss. You hoped he could sense the sincerity behind your words. From the moment Tommy and you had met Nikki in the diner the night London had fallen they worked their asses off.

“You’re far too good for any of us.” Nikki chuckled, “You’re too kind, too helpful,....too beautiful, and here you are with us degenerates and you never once stopped believing in our dream. Thank you.”

Your heart skipped a beat and you felt your ears become hot. Nikki was never sweet to you like this unless it was after sex. You wanted to say something, anything, to let him know that he did in fact deserve to have someone treat him like this after the life he had lived; however the words wouldn’t form so you just stood on your toes and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth. You should’ve known he wouldn’t be okay with just a soft kiss though. He pressed his lips more urgently to yours and flipped you around pressing you against the door. He licked your bottom lip begging permission and you relented despite the voice in your head saying you needed to end this. His tongue could do unholy things even just while kissing you and you felt yourself growing more needy for his touch. Whimpering when he bit your bottom lip you yanked his hair the way you knew he liked, but you pulled his face from yours.

“We can’t.” You panted with a flush face. “Tommy will be back any minute and you need to rehearse”

“I know how to play the songs I wrote (y/n) I don’t need practice.” He trailed sloppy kisses down your neck “Besides the noises you make are like music to my ears”

“Nikki we can’t right now. You guys just got a deal, that’s gonna be difficult to live up to if you and your drummer have an all out brawl” You tried to be strong even as he nipped at your ear lobe. Asshole.

“Just end things with him” He hummed pressing more kisses from your jaw and down your neck

“Why do you want me to end things with him so badly?” You couldn’t understand why he wanted you and Tommy to break up when you both knew he’d never commit to you.

“So I can stop feeling guilty every time you suck my dick in my dressing room (y/n)” He finally relented and pulled away from you and you hated to admit you were slightly disappointed that he gave up.

“God you’re so romantic.” You rolled your eyes and straightened yourself out so you didn’t look like you were making out against a door.

“You don’t come to me for romance” He shrugged “You come to me to get fucked into next week. Romance is Tommy’s department.”

“Then I should be able to keep both of you.” With that you walked out of the room knowing that line would get under his skin. Judging by the grumbled cuss words coming from his mouth you were right. Good. Asshole.

You tried to help tidy the place up as much as you could while the boys rehearsed as you did during all their rehearsals. You felt it was the least you could do seeing as they never had an issue sharing their drugs and alcohol with you. The boys were now huddled around discussing new songs for their soon to be new album. You loved Too Fast For Love as much as their other fans so being privy to new music coming from them had you giddy. You didn’t understand much about writing songs so you loved to listen in on the boys collaborating on what should go where and what sound they wanted the songs to have. Nikki had a notebook that he constantly scribbled in when inspiration struck so he seemed to already have a multitude of songs possible for this album. You had caught him staring at you while scribbling and tried to take a peek at what his notebook said but he flipped it over and glared at you.

“The notebook and songs are for band members only.” He snapped.

“Oh come on Nikki don’t be so mean she’s just curious, aren’t ya babe?” Tommy laughed pulling you onto his lap.

“She’ll be first to hear all the songs once we finish the album. Before it even hits shelves.” He smiled softly but quickly wiped the smile off his face.

“That’s okay with me.” You smiled directly at Nikki “As your biggest fan I’d rather hear the finished album before anybody else. I don’t need to know the process” If you didn’t know better you’d say Nikki was blushing.

“Nikki you need to get you a girl like (y/n). Someone like her would probably make you less of an asshole.” Tommy never was good at keeping his foot out of his mouth.

“What’s your fucking excuse then?” Nikki stood angrily glaring at Tommy

“What do you mean dude? I’m all love all the time” Tommy didn’t even seem phased that Nikki was pissed. He was still grinning like a dumb excited puppy.

“Exactly. You’re all love with everyone that isn’t (y/n)” You weren’t ready for this. This could not be happening.

“Why don’t you shut your mouth and mind your fucking business.” Tommy hissed as if you weren’t right there and hadn’t already heard what Nikki had to say.

“You know she knows right? She knows you put your dick in anything that fucking walks. She’s not fucking dumb” Nikki was getting louder with each new sentance spilling from his mouth.

“Guys-” Vince started.

“Shut the fuck up Vince.” Mick finally spoke up “Just don’t get involved.”

“Shut the fuck up Sixx!” Tommy shouted standing up essentially pushing you off his lap and onto the floor.

“You can’t be serious” Nikki laughed humorlessly. “Do you think she’s blind?”

“Why are you so concerned about my fucking relationship Sixx?” Tommy challenged and you braced yourself for the worst, for Nikki to expose everything that has happened between you both.

“I’m tired of hearing you drone on about how great (y/n) is while also fucking groupies. Pick one. (Y/N) or the groupies? Chose now.” Nikki was practically shaking with anger.

“(Y/N)” Tommy started but you cut him off.

“Nikki’s right. I know about everything.” You said quietly not able to look either boy in the eye.

“Listen I will change, okay? We’re gonna get married remember?” Tommy genuinely sounded full of panic and you couldn’t help but feel bad for him. This wasn’t how you wanted to end things and Nikki took that from you. Part of you wanted to forgive Tommy just to punish Nikki for making a decision for you and the other half wanted to pull Nikki in his room and reward him for calling Tommy out.

“Oh Tommy we would never work as a married couple.” You said finally looking up at him and caressing his face.

“But….but I love you” He said sadly leaning into your hand with his eyes closed.

“I love you too Tommy and I always will, but this wasn’t working anymore and we both knew that. All bad things must die eventually” You leaned up and kissed his cheek.

“You’re not gonna stop coming around are you?” He whispered.

“You’re still my best friend Tommy. You’re stuck with me until you guys become super famous rockstars and have to live your own lives and even then I’ll still be your biggest fan” You smiled wide at him and he returned his own smile to you.

“You’re coming to the top with us (y/n)” Tommy laughed sitting back down already having forgiven Nikki without it being said and the other boy copied his actions.

“So (y/n) now that you’re single- OW!” Vince was glaring at Mick who had tossed a beer bottle at him.

“Keep it in your fucking pants for 10 minutes god you all need neutered” Mick grumbled.

The next day the show went even better than anyone expected. You still watched from side stage only you watched from the side Nikki played on per his request. When they finished the show Tommy still hugged you and spun you around, but he was quicker to run off with one of the girls pulled back stage than before and that didn’t bother you. Probably because once Tommy had his back turned Nikki had tossed you over his shoulder and brought you to his dressing room. You squealed when he set you on the arm of the couch but he quickly cut you off with his mouth on yours.

“Sorry I broke you and Tommy up” He said between kisses already pulling his stage clothes off.

“Hey it made my job easier” You giggled pulling your shirt over your head and unhooking your bra.

“Can’t say I actually feel bad about it” Nikki pulled your shorts and underwear down in a swift motion “Fuck (y/n) you’re so hot”

You wanted to respond but he turned you into a moaning mess by inserting his middle finger into you. You arched your back and whimpered. You needed more, but he was enjoying teasing you. You tried to rub his dick to get him as needy as you were and instead he took a step back from you smirking his evil little smirk. He added a second finger and worked you more using his thumb to rub your clit. You could almost see stars and you tried to move your hips to match his hand movements to get there faster. He removed his hand quickly and stepped between your legs. 

“There’s no need to be quiet now” He grinned and wrapped your legs around his waist.

“Fuck me like you mean it then.” You smirked at him knowing he could never turn down a challenge like that.

He filled you slowly for once letting you adjust to his length then he pulled out and entered you again this time at a rough pace. He kept that up for a few thrusts before he picked you up and slammed you against the wall. Once he had you against the wall he aggressively snapped his hips to meet yours the angle hitting you right where it needed to and soon you saw stars as your orgasm hit your body in rolling waves. Nikki continued his movements going harder and deeper with every thrust. You were practically screaming his name when he sunk his teeth into your neck and you felt his release coming. Nikki’s thrusts were getting sloppy and he was even whimpering a little bit and oh fuck you could feel a second orgasm coming. You both came at the same time shouting each other’s names and not giving a fuck who may have heard. As you tried to catch your breath Nikki brought you both to the couch and sat you on it trailing kisses all over your face and neck. You decided in that moment that cigarettes and regret had never tasted so sweet.

[curtisandlewis]

Recently, I read 2K to 10K by Rachel Aaron and 5,000 Words Per Hour by Chris Fox. To paraphrase, these books claim that by using their techniques to get into a flow state you could conceivably have word counts of up to 10,000 in a single day. Guess what? I believe them. The flow state they both described is what I used to feel every single time I sat down to write. I could get 5,000 words in a single session and have the time of my life while doing it.

After 2015, anxiety and OCD got in the way of me getting into that flow state and I figure it’s worth the try to get back to it. I had already planned for March to be the month I write most of the fanfiction I post here throughout the year. So, what better time than to follow the techniques while I do each phase of writing and document the process all right here in this post. 

Zero Draft: A draft that isn’t structured enough to be a full first draft. I write it very fast and it’s the best way to get the story out. I write this using only Google Docs on my Ipad.

I know it’s only been two days but this turned out to be a real success. The process I followed was to meditate in the morning and spend the first ten minutes thinking about the fic and letting the scene play out like it would in a movie. This is how I applied their technique of visualization. I then give myself 5 or 10 minutes to prepare for my writing session. 

I play music by Troye Sivan because that matches the mood of the scene the best for me. 

The next thing I do is my own creation. I open a separate document (usually create a new note in Google Keep) and manifest what I want my writing session to be. I believe in the power of your thoughts to dictate your behavior and ultimate success if that’s not your thing feel free to skip that step. 

The last thing I do before actually opening my writing document is open Google Sheets on my Ipad and fill out my Word Sprint Tracker. Tracking your progress is essential in both these books. It’s been pretty fun watching my word count speed go up with each session. 

I have three apps open on my Ipad: Google Docs, Google Keep, and Google Sheets. Docs and Keep are in a split screen so I can write while seeing my outline or I can look at my manifesting note when my motivation starts to get down (I also put random ideas on there if I don’t want them cluttering my document)

The next step has helped me the most HANDS DOWN. I take five or so minutes and describe the scene. What is it about, what are the emotions I want to convey, what does it mean to the characters, and ultimately what is the freaking point!

That five minutes has increased my word count from 125 in a half-hour session to a solid 500 in every session and no more staring at the screen hating life because the words will just not come.

Start Date: 3/1 End Date: 3/2  Word Count: 2,076

First Draft: The typical first draft. All the gaps have been filled in and I’ve decided where I want the story to go. I will be writing on my laptop for this draft using only the writing program Scrivener. 

First, my process

Review outline 

Have a split-screen view of Google docs (Zero Draft) and Scrivener.

Copy zero draft to Scrivener by typing word for word

I love typing up the document over again. The zero draft serves as a map for when I get stuck and I’m free to expand or cut as I go. As for the laptop, I have pros and cons. 

PROS

I have my desktop free to play music, videos, or serve as a mood board for inspiration as I write. 

The screen is bigger than my Ipad and the keyboard is a lot easier to type on

CONS

It may be portable but it’s still heavy-ish. I can’t exactly wake up and start typing away.

The battery life doesn’t last very long so I have to keep it plugged in most of the time.

I’m leaning towards using the desktop for projects that are 20K+ words but shorter than that I think the laptop would be fine. I really enjoyed working at night with the lights turned off and my diffuser running. It created a nice mood, especially when writing the romantic/ sexy parts. I don’t think I would have the same experience writing on my desktop. Also, I’m totally hyped it only took me two days to write the first draft!

Start Date: 3/4 End Date: 3/7 (A total of 2 working days) Word Count: 2,501

Second Draft-Developmental Edit: For this draft and all the way up to posting I will be working only on my desktop. Since I use my desktop for everything not related to writing I thought it would be good to limit it to revision. It’s the idea if you use your bed for activities other than sleep than you’ll have a hard time sleeping. During revision, I can take my time and not have to worry about word count. Also if I inevitably get distracted by the internet it’s not as disastrous as if I was drafting. This is the first edit and I’ll be trying out a new process for this referencing 2k to 10k. 

Update the small outline I made before writing

Read the fic in Scrivener and make a comment for each thing I want to change (it’s similar to comment feature in google docs) this will be my to-do list (mentioned in 2K to 10K)  

Open my second writing program Liquid Story Binder and start with the biggest problem on my to-do list

I’ll take the section of text that I want to change from scrivener and copy it to Liquid Story Binder where I will make the change and paste it back into Scrivener. Focusing on a small section of text at a time helps with my anxiety.  

It only took about an hour or so to do this so I can’t say how I feel yet about using the desktop. I do think it was helpful having Liquid Story Binder to focus on a specific text, especially when working on pacing.

Start Date: 3/8 End Date: 3/8 Word Count: 2,553  

Grammar Edit: This phase is pretty much how it sounds. Same as before I copy and paste small sections of text into the Hemingway editor and make the changes there. 

This may be my least favorite phase of the writing process. It’s very tedious and I don’t like being reminded how much I abuse the word “just.” As for working only on the desktop, I feel the extra screen real estate helps a lot.

Here’s the resulting document

Start Date:3/8 End Date:3/8 Word Count: 2,628  

 Last full Developmental Edit: Working only in Scrivener I’ll read the whole story from beginning to end, make my to-do list and make all the changes directly in Scrivener.

This serves mostly as another read. Usually, if something is giving me anxiety I’ll take this time to see if I can change it while still being true to the characters and the story I want to tell. This time I just took twenty minutes and read through it, marking up a couple of more typos.

Start Date: 3/9 End Date: 3/9 Word Count: 2,647

Prepare for posting: This is the most tedious part of the process. 

Write the summary

Hopefully, I can name the damn fic at that point

Add all the general information about the fic (Pairings, Warnings, notes, etc...)

 Read the fic and list Somethings to Look Foward To

All the tags...      

Start Date: 3/13 End Date: 3/13  

Last line edit: I read through again going line by line fixing any typos or grammatical errors and really paying attention to how the words flow. 

Working on the desktop probably works the best for this phase. I’m depressed and had to force myself to finish this fic. I’m not writing anymore in March or April. Luckily this experiment was only for one fic and I do have a better understanding of what process works for me. However, I won’t be able to test it out until May.

Start Date: 3/13 End Date: 3/13 Word Count: 2,392

Post!

[bethexpresshuns]

Acceptance

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom.  I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict.  I haven’t lost all of my money (which is not significant by any means).  What I mean is that I’ve hit rock bottom from an emotional and well being standpoint.  I’ve been on a downward slide over the past year or so, and have finally named it......”depression”.  Yes, I am depressed.  Sometimes I think the depression started about a year ago, and sometimes I think it started more than 10 years ago.  It doesn’t really matter.  The truth is that I’m depressed.  And putting a name on how I’m feeling helps me to try and figure out a way to get out of it.  So I’m starting this journal as a method to track my progress.  I’m sure no one is really interested in this blog, but I’ll keep it open to the public just the same. 

First, let me start by providing some details about myself. I’m a 62 year old woman, married, no children, living in a nice house somewhere in Western Washington.  I have 5 siblings, I am number 3 in the order.  I am the only sibling who is an introvert.  All my other siblings are very outspoken and it can be very difficult for me to get a word in edgewise at holiday gatherings. I love all my siblings tremendously, I am closer to some than others. Although I wouldn’t mind at all being very close to all of them. 

I am self-employed, and I work from home. And in the past few years, I’ve been working towards a part-time schedule.  It was a little weird at first, seeing a drop in income.  But I got used to it after the first year, then proceeded to decrease more work hours.  Now, I am only working 15-20 hours per week.  

My current interests outside of work are gardening, reading, bicycling, sitting by a campfire, playing with our pets, embroidery, cross stitch, and my favorite...creating lovely Christmas decorations. 

Another area that takes up a significant amount of my time is taking care of my 85 year old mother. She currently lives with my sister, she has significant health problems, and there are a total of 5 of us who trade off “shifts” to care for her (4 of her children and 1 paid caregiver). The help we provide her are cooking, cleaning, toileting, and bathing help. Although we have 5 people taking care of her at various intervals, as my sister put it, I am the “go to” person on caring for her. I manage her finances, her medications, I decide who takes what shifts, I work with her state social worker, take her to doctors appointments, grocery shopping. I am a ten-minute drive away from her, and my perception is that I am “on call” all the time.

And this brings me to the crux of my new battle with depression. I would like to pinpoint all my depression on the work and care that I provide my mother, but I think the truth is that it has just exacerbated an already existing condition, and has put a spotlight on some well-being issues that I’ve needed to deal with for a long time. Last Fall, as I finished with a care-giving shift, I declared to my siblings that I hated my life. I had made this declaration based on a text message from one of my siblings that I totally misinterpreted. You see, I had asked for help in taking care of my mother.  At that time, I was caring for her pretty much all the time. Going to my sister’s place Monday through Friday when my sister was at work. Then again, at the drop of a hat, whenever my sister said she needed to take off for awhile, or for the weekend, for that matter. I misinterpreted the response, and felt that I wasn’t getting the help I asked for.  Now, mind you, as an introvert, I rarely ask for help.  Let me say again, I rarely ask for help. So when I do, it’s a significant thing for me.

My life had entered a phase where I was now a main caregiver.  And even though I had been in favor of my mother moving into my sister’s place, and I had stated to my sister that I would do whatever was necessary to make it work, the reality was that I wasn’t prepared for the new lifestyle. You might be asking, why did we not just hire additional help?  Well, my mother is broke. She cannot afford to hire help for herself.  And to be honest, I didn’t relish contributing money to this cause, purely from a selfish standpoint.  After all, I was in the process of downsizing my work hours, and I needed to protect my own savings for my own retirement.

Things are better now, which is 7 months after my declaration of hating my life. One of my sisters has doubled her shifts to 2 mornings a week. We have a state-paid caregiver that we like, who has been coming in for 5 hours a week. And the state is upping the amount of hours available to us at 93 hours per month. Sounds like a lot, but it’s really only two and a half days per week.  And one of my sisters is coming over once a month to spend a full day (she lives 3 hours away). So my time caring for my mother has lessened quite a bit.  And you would think as a result, I would kick the depression mode.  But no, sadly it is not true, and I think it’s just getting worse.

So I am now on a quest to figure out how I can work my way out of this depression. I was not born with depression.  I don’t feel like I need to take medications for treatment. At least, not at this point. Instead, I am going to start learning from others how to make a better life. Learn how to love life, instead of  letting life just “exist”, if that makes sense. Wish me luck.

[surveystodestressme]

211.

3000 question survey pt 1

1.      What is your idea of perfect happiness?

 being healthy and alive and well

2.      What is your greatest fear?

 being killed or kidnapped or just dying in general

3.      What is the trait you most deplore (dislike) in yourself?

 I can be really mean and hurtful

4.      What is your greatest extravagance?

 oh i don’t know

5.      What is your current state of mind?

 i am doing okay. 

6.      What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

 just being a good human being

7.      On what occasion do you lie?

 i try to never lie

8.      What do you most dislike about your appearance?

 i am super acne prone

9.      Which living person do you most despise?

 rapists and murderers, no specific person

10.  What is the quality you most like in a man?

 humor

11.  What is the quality you most like in a woman?

 also humor

12.  Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

 too many of them

13.  What or who is the greatest love of your life?

 my boyfriend or my cat

14.  When and where were you the happiest?

 i don’t know off the top of my head

15.  Which talent would you most like to have?

 i would love to be able to make things or fix things

16.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

 i wish i was nicer and was more patient

17.  What do you consider your greatest achievement?

 getting through college (almost, haven’t graduated yet but i’m certain that i will)

18.  If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

 a golden retriever in a rich home that will spoil me

19.  Where would you most like to live?

 somewhere warm all the time

20.  What is your most treasured possession?

 my cat (don’t really count her as a possession but i treasure her dearly)

21.  What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

 i don’t know

22.  What is your favorite career?

 astronaut

23.  What is your most marked characteristic?

 i like to think i am pretty helpful

24.  What do you value most in your friends?

 honesty and loyalty

25.  Who are your favorite writers?

 i don’t really have one

26.  Who is your hero of fiction?

 *

27.  Which historical figure do you most identify with?

 i don’t know

28.  Who are your heroes in real life?

 my sister and my mother

29.  What are your favorite names?

 i always liked Parker

30.  What is it that you most dislike?

 bad people

31.  What is your greatest regret?

 trying to kill myself when i was younger and all the people i hurt because of it

32.  How would you like to die?

 i would not like to die painfully

33.  What is your motto?

 i don’t really think i have one

34.  Do you like watching reruns?

 yes!

35.  Have you ever won any kind of contest yourself?

 i think so

36.  What gives you cheap thrills?

 i don’t know

37.  What do you think is worth waiting for?

 love

38.  Are you an organ donor, if so why/why not?

 i think so?  I mean if i can be useful after death, why not

39.  Should parenting classes be mandatory for new parents?

 yes, a lot of people i know that have had kids have no idea wtf they’re doing and they are going to fuck their kid up

40.  What is the number one thing people are always asking you for help with?

 advice on relationships, schoolwork, pets, etc.

41.  What movie did you love the original but hated the sequel to?

 there are plenty.

42.  Are you more talk and less action or vice versa?

 more talk lol

43.  Have you ever given someone a handmade present?

 yes! plenty of times. i definitely think that is the best kind of present to get. i love getting handmade presents

44.  What type of person angers you the most?

 rude people and stupid people

45.  Could you live without electricity for a week?

 yeah probably

46.  Do you think Great Britain should be a part of a united Europe?

 i don’t care

47.  Have you ever eaten a whole tube of pringles by yourself?

 probably

48.  Do you like champagne, if so, what is your favorite brand?

 i don’t mind champagne but i would not go out of my way to drink it

49.  What nervous habits do you have?

 i bite my nails, bite my lip, bite the inside of my cheek

50.  What do you do when you and your best friend get into a fight?

 i don’t really fight with my friends.

51.  What do you think should be a wonder of the world that currently isn’t?

 i don’t know

52.  What comforts you on bad days?

 my cat

53.  Do you treat yourself and your body with respect?

 i like to think so

54.  Something you eat that other people would find gross.

 i make ramen and i out ranch, hot sauce, and cheese in it

55.  Have you ever broken the law and didn’t get caught, if so how?

 yeah, trespassed more times than i can count.

56.  Something you fear might change you.

 moving away from my friends and family

57.  What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

 arrogance, rudeness

58.  Have you ever resented someone, if so what for?

 yeah but i don’t really remember what for

59.  Do you have a favorite t-shirt, if so what’s on it or what does it say?

 i have plenty of favorite sweatshirts but no favorite shirts

60.  How old do you think is too old to have a baby?

 probably late 40s

61.  How have you changed over the last five years?

 oh god, plenty.  i’m not a suicidal teenager anymore.  i eat now. i don’t hurt myself

62.  Have you ever painted a house?

 the inside

63.  Have you ever had a surprise party (that was an actual surprise)?

 yes!! they are so much fun

64.  What makes you feel miserable?

 when people are mean to me

65.  What’s the best costume you’ve ever worn?

 i was chucky one year, i even did my own makeup

66.  What’s been the hardest loss you’ve had to take?

 my cat, lily, when she passed away

67.  Do you like sunny days or rainy days more?

 sunny

68.  What does your typical Friday night look like?

 usually sitting on my computer playing video games, watching movies/shows, or doing homework/studying.  i rock climb too on fridays

69.  Who is your favorite movie director and what’s your favorite movie from them?

 i don’t really care about the directors of movies, i don’t pay attention to that stuff

70.  What is the furthest you’ve ever got a paper airplane to fly?

 not very

71.  Do you like the person you are becoming?

 i think so, at least for the most part

72.  What’s the highest you’ve ever jumped into the water from?

 not very far.  there is a swing into a creek near my parents house

73.  What inspires your ideas?

 a lot of different things, inspiration comes from everywhere

74.  Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?

 not by myself

75.  Have you ever bolstered your resume to get a job you really wanted?

 yes

76.  How emotional are you?

 very

77.  Have you ever had an internship, if not what would be your dream intern job?

 i interned at a vet clinic last summer

78.  Do you prefer chicken, beef, or seafood?

 i would usually say beef but lately i’ve been craving seafood

79.  Have you ever had a health scare?

 nah

80.  What do you love most about the holiday season?

 decorating

81.  Do you think a fling could be a good thing?

 sure

82.  What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?

 actually doing something with my hair lol. i hate dealing with it

83.  What do or did you hate the most about dating or the dating process?

 i don’t mind dating, it feels good to date but i’m always worried that i will say the wrong thing

84.  What do you frown upon when it comes to raising kids?

 when people raise them wrong

85.  Have you ever been professionally photographed?

 for family photos, yeah

86.  Where or how do you find serenity?

 reading or writing

87.  Do you influence people more than they influence you?

 i don’t know

88.  What can you do to make your life better?

 try harder

89.  If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, what would you ask?

 i would ask any dead person what it is like to die and what comes after, if anything

90.  What is your favorite hiding place?

 someplace where no one would find me

91.  Do you buy anything organic, if so, what is it?

 nope

92.  Describe yourself in terms of food.

 delicious

93.  How could you reinvent yourself?

 plenty of ways

94.  What was the name of the first album you ever bought and who was it by?

 it was one of gwen stefanis first albums but i don’t remember which one

95.  What is your Chinese zodiac sign and is the description accurate?

 aries, i don’t know the description tbh

96.  Do you have any prejudices you’ve admitted to yourself?

 plenty

97.  Who is the very first friend you ever remember making and how old were you?

 kristen in kindergarten

98.  What makes you lose sleep?

 worrying

99.  What are three phases or sayings you say almost every day?

 there are too many

100. Do you floss or use a toothpick when food gets stuck in your teeth?

 yes