#my knees don't work right
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Zionists want you to conflate Judaism and Zionism. Zionists want you to believe that Judaism cannot exist without Zionism and that all Jews are Zionists. Zionism would have Jews believe that a Jewish state is the only way that they can be safe from antisemitism and will point to any instance of antisemitism as proof that Zionism is the solution- so Zionism wants gentiles to be antisemitic in their support of Palestine. They want you to conflate all Jews with Zionism and the state of Israel, and they want you to treat all Jews regardless of political affiliation as the face of Israel. Antizionist Jews exist, and incidences of antisemitism ostensibly acting against Zionism will not help dismantle the forces propping Zionism up.
Don't do their work for them.
#red rambles#viva palestina#antizionism#i haven't actually seen a lot of antisemitism personally. not recently anyway. but that's more a feature of me not following antisemites#i DO however see a lot of people talking about the people they're seeing throw their support behind antisemites using palestine#as an excuse to conflate all jews with israel#and i cannot stress enough that that is literally what israel and zionist forces abroad WANT.#i am jewish. my entire family is jewish. i want to see palestine free. and i have SEEN how the jewish community gets conflated with israel#both from the inside and out#and i am dead serious when i say that every time someone is antisemitic it strengthens the conviction from people abroad#that it's a terrible sad situation but there's 'no other choice'#if you're being antisemitic you are doing the enemy's work for them. Stop it.#like... look. i am putting this in the tags bc im talking in the tags but i mean this. I do not give a single flying fuck if you personally#are a giant raging antisemite at the moment. Your personal beliefs are your problem and not mine. I do not fucking care. But if you are#being openly and loudly antisemitic *in your support of palestine* you are absolutely not fucking helping. I am so dead serious right now#if you want to raise awareness and you're being antisemitic because of deep held beliefs or whatever i want you to look around and read the#fucking room. Do you understand how much of Israel's international support comes from the idea that they are the only country where jews ar#safe from antisemitism? do you see how every time palestine comes up people point at incidences of antisemitism in anti-genocide actions to#discredit the entire movement? do you not understand how your actions are cutting the movement down at the knees?#i'm jewish and proud of it. i don't like antisemitism. but there's a genocide on and i'd rather work against it than quibble over who i#work alongside. i dont fucking care. you can be as antisemitic as you like in private. stop fucking the movement up.#there are bigger things to worry about here. if i can put aside my own concerns as to who i'm talking to you can hold your tongue#and fight the good fight instead of handing weapons to the people who are trying to fucking flatten gaza.
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I am SO grateful that ed and stede exist as characters exactly as they are. I'm so grateful for these two men who are traumatized and messed up and struggle to even like themselves, who are terrible at communicating, who make enough mistakes between the two of them to fill an entire ocean. I am so grateful to watch them struggle and be seen and be loved and reach out for the things they want and are maybe starting to believe that they deserve. I'm so grateful that the show lets them fall in love and get together exactly as they are, that it doesn't say they need to wait until they've become some unattainably perfect version of themselves before they have permission to have that. i am so grateful for ofmd
#ofmd#there are no other shows like this one#I'm so tired of media that repeats the same idea that you need to hit a list of predetermined therapy milestones (determined by who???)#before you can fall in love#I'm honestly tired of fic that does this with ed and stede too#because guess what#you can live in the 21st century with access to therapy and dsm diagnosis and a bunch of different medications and you can be doing all the#right things and still be a trainwreck!!!#putting in the work doesn't mean you're gonna become perfect and never have problem again any more than falling in love doesn't mean you'll#never have problems again#I'll forever be crying on my knees levels of grateful for the unique writing on this show#for saying that it's okay you can be a mess you can take one step forward and three steps back and you'll still always be deserving#of love and grace and forgiveness#you don't have to do anything to deserve you deserve it just because you exist#i love this show with my entire heart#alex watches ofmd
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Fellas can you take this somewhere else. Maybe. Just not in the fucking halls. Thanks 🫡
I couldn't resist drawing out these tags I wrote on a dif post LMFAO
Moe just has...... SO many problems.......
Close-ups of my fave shots!
The elusive Líf...
#fire emblem#feh#i'm like. split between feeling proud of this and feeling So Over It LMFAOOOOOOO#which is why. lighting could be better. but i don't care enough to put in more work than i already have LMFAOO#LIKE... ONE COOL PART is this could be my first fully colored comic piece w completely original dialogue???#where like. i didn't quit at any point of it. EXCEPT. skimping on the backgrounds. but again. more effort than i'm willing to put in#but i think it still counts bc my only real plan was to have the askr pillars/walls as framing/backdrops#ALSO the characterization... in the panel where lif walks into frame. it's SO fun to me#they both look at lif. but moe is Not subtle about it. looking directly at him. while alfonse side-eyes him.#and the most IMPORTANT detail. is that alfonse and lif are making the same kind of face. like 🤨#there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL. in alfonse and lif sharing facial expressions. in having the same knee-jerk reactions to things.#and it's espppp fun to figure out bc you're only working w half of lif's face. it's all in the eyes/brows and SOMETIMES!#SOMETIMES!!!! it's in the nose! in this illust he is more relaxed/resting so you don't see it here#but i'm TELLING you. adding some scrunch to the nose can add soooo much expression-wise#this took longer than i expected it to. also. which is why i'm so over it LMFAOO#but i do think the extra time was worth it... first run of the last panel was too lighthearted/jokey#capturing some conflict between moe/alfonse was the right choice. in how intensely this starts off (tonally)#AND! in showing how they do butt heads at times. in fact sometimes they clash REALLY badly!!!!#which is actually so huge bc i've wanted to capture this since the beginning. how they're so similar but also so opposite#that a lot of times! they understand each other deeply and cover each other's basis. HOWEVER.....#other times. it's just catastrophic. like it isn't That intense here but you can probably see how it goes horribly wrong.#i am... always thinking about it.... and only occasionally stressing myself out about it LMFAOOO#fe alfonse#fe lif#moe tag#summoner oc#my art#my comics
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I have this problem where I want to buy a new winter coat (I've had and loved mine for 9 years now, but my mum says it looks shabby -.-) and I kind of want something with an 1880s - 1910s kind of feel to it. But coincidentally (???) my research project is also set in that time period and I don't want my colleagues to look at me and think, whew, Artemis is feeling herself a bit too much, she's cosplaying her own PhD project now. When I'm actually cosplaying Sherlock Holmes. Help.
#i don't want people to think that I'm taking myself and my work too seriously because I've just started and i have no idea what I'm doing#and in general#also everything is so expensive which i guess is justified#but whew. this feels like buying a car#also :( I'm too short :((#things that are supposed to skirt the knees look ridiculous on me :(#AND i have no eye for fashion#is this because I'm going to the Benelux countries again? this is because I'm going to the Benelux countries again right#my german ass always gets an inferiority complex when i see people dressed in anything other than rain jackets#personal thoughts
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hate when the things I've convinced myself are just excuses turn out to be real issues after all
#in other news I'm TRYING to follow this workout plan but ough ah my lower back#ooh yikes my knees#for serious though like. it should be that I have to stop because the actual muscle group I'm trying to work gets tired right???? right????#not because my back starts to Feel Bad before anything else#anyway I was like oh well maybe I just need to strengthen the muscles there in my back/core and stuff so this is good and helpful#but hmm maybe pushing through it is not the answer because now it still Feels Bad in a way that does not feel like muscle soreness yk#and I don't think it's a form issue because it's a problem for me with various otherwise unrelated exercises#(also how does anyone do enough squats-adjacent stuff to actually make a difference without taking video-game style damage to their knees??#asking for a friend
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@heartofstanding tagged me in this meme months ago and unfortunately it took me this long to get to it because I had a mild crisis over how long it's been since I've read a novel, let alone one that I loved 😅 so this is nine of my favourite novels (not books, because if I included manga/short stories/comics/etc this would be giant)
0The Picture of Dorian Gray -- Oscar Wilde// Pyrrhus-- Mark Merlis//The Scarecrow--Ronald Hugh Morrieson//Unnatural History--Kate Osman//Tunnels of Blood--Darren Shan//The Coffin Dancer--Jeffery Deaver//Hero--Perry Moore//Frankenstein--Mary Shelley//One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-- Ken Kasey
#TPODG I feel like is obvious. But a genuinely hilarious book that is also poignant and tragic and so /so/ compelling#The more work you put into it the more you get out of it and I get so sad every time I see people#not wanting to look deeper than what's beyond the surface#Pyrrhus gets the extremely high honour of Greek Myth Retelling That is Actually Good#it's less about the Trojan War and more about the journey there set in the 1980s gay scene#the cursed spot that gets Philoctetes abandoned is an effective allegory right until the moment it isn't an allegory at all#and you should see the gut punch coming but somehow you don't#The Scarecrow is my Token Kiwi Representation and it's also the one that got me into the genre I now write almost exclusively#reading it feels like watching a cheesy low budget slasher that accidentally says some really interesting things about sexism and misogyny#(I say accidentally because it is the 20s and my tutor very loudly hated this book for being sexist)#(and I both totally agree and disagree because Prue is the prototypical final girl and needs an adaptation that does her justice)#Also the story of this novel's publication is freaking hilarious and why I will only write under a pseudonym because I would be next#Unnatural History is an exact blueprint of what I love about sci-fi done well in the way we've only very recently started to see on screen#and I hate that the show of Doctor Who rarely if ever reaches this level#Tunnels of Blood is my favourite of the Darren Shan Saga but really is just a stand in for the entire series#yes it's a kids series but it's a kid series that got me into horror and surrealism#and delivers the most effective and heartbreaking plot twist that not even Hannibal pulled off as well#The Coffin Dancer is just some damn good crime fiction and I wish Jeffery Deaver wasn't so slept on#(yes I know The Bone Collector got an adaptation but The Bone Collector isn't even in the top ten of the Lincoln Rhyme series)#unfortunately Deaver's strongest point is his use of point of view#but he still manages to get the twist to be shocking (and Coffin Dancer is the best example of it) in a way that other media fails at#Hero is about a gay disabled teen with superpowers and somehow tumblr does not know about it#It is such a fun riff on superheroes while also being genuinely sweet and touching and sad#It was meant to get a tv show but the writer passed so it got stuck in production hell :(#Frankenstein is Frankenstein. It's just good on like every level. Victor is my problematic fave. I will take no criticism.#I am however on my knees hoping the Guillermo Del Toro adaptation finally gets it right#one flew over the cuckoo's nest means so much to me but no one ever talks about it beyond the Ratched and Mcmurphy stuff#who are the least interesting characters to me. And I find the debate about the sexism ignores that the novel is about the structural abuse#of the mentally ill
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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#me: *does manip quick on my knee*#people: omg!!!! real!!! i love it!!!!#150 notes#and#me: *spends hours looking for right photos and putting so much work and care in how the final effect looks*#notes: 30#1 person: nice 👍🏻#FMFMKDJDJDDJHFJSJDJKKS#HOW#WHY#don't get me wrong - i'm absolutely excited by every since like but like qnd appreciate all rectinions (❤️🥺)#but how does that work#no idea#anyway happy you enjoy at lest some of the things i make 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻#in fandom this size i didn't really think it will be place for me#but here qe are#so thank you ❤️🫶🏻
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got APPLAUSE at work....wtf... in 3 days they've been rlly happy because. i do my job ig ekcnskfn and am reactive and managed these past 2 very hectic and chaotic (🗿) days almost on my own at some times and they were impressed...sniffles sniffles........weird to have praises im tucking my hair behind my ears and giggling hehehe what do you mean i'm not absolutely worthless and useless omg.....
#like no wonder my knee and legs in general feel like that when i just.#don't take a break and never stop working until it's time to go zkcjsbfosb#that's why working in restauration was also hard cos i just. never took break and was at 100% for the entire end of the afternoon/evening#it just never seems the right time to take a break😭 so i just never do#tomtom_is_rambling
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Im sooo happy im on physical therapy again
Toned legs and less pain here i come!
#a while ago i did a year of pt everyday and i looked goooood#its also helping me push past my usual limits and cope with pain#using my muscles distracts from the raging fire in my bones#an i miss working out soooo much#fun fact before being bedridden and house bound i was really athletic!#not so fun fact i completed a triathlon at 18 and it was a really great moment for me but it was too much for my body.#couple weeks after i got tendinitis in my right knee which started my crps#so id say that triathlon caused my crps#no regrets though! i loved doing it and i atill love my life now#and not to romanticize chronic pain#but it really taught me some valuable things because i was forced to look inward#when you literally cannot move you only have one thing to do#think#think for months on end#and when that happens a lotta shit is revealed#when you're abled bodied you have the privilege of distraction#beddridden people don't have that privilege#thus you live in the mind trying to take refuge from the body#and now i know deep truths about myself#anyways yay pt!
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#i'm in so much pain el oh el#it's the second day of my period. at home the painkillers worked just fine. the INSTANT i left for work they stopped working#like i've taken four 500mg pills which includes my backup pill for work so now i don't have any more painkillers on me#it's pulling down into my calfs. i can barely stand. i can't sit#i'm legit about to burst into tears because my clothes don't feel right on my body and everyone keeps talking to me and i'm so overwhelmed#and everything fucking hurts i just want to lay down on my cold floor#currently eating a tub of ice cream in the break room and aggressively bouncing my knee to try and keep it together#it's over four hours until i can go home why is every day i'm here just an exercise in suffering#i was fine at home everything was fine before i got dressed and headed out i'm going to scream
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Just restarted Merlin and, like, these folks are a little homogay
#the first episode ALWAYS shocks me#walk on your knees for me. will you walk on your knees yet. I'll take you apart with one blow. ill take you apart with less.#but like. by episode 2 its CRITICAL to Merlin that Arthur trusts him and doesnt fire him#seriously he starts working for Arthur like “ew I don't want to be a servant” and within a week is like “😭 Sire dont fire me I need this”#no you dont Merlin you just need to be near Arthur#Then episode 3 is soaring romantic music over Merlin and Gwen having no chemistry and over Arthur and Morgana being siblings#and episode 4 is Arthur offering to drink a poison goblet for Merlin and then goes on a dangerous quest to save him#Boy is down so bad#and Uther - who forced this situation to be a thing like 2-3 weeks ago - is already like “Youre acting crazy for a servant what the fuck”#~he's my destiny~ is the right answer for why arthur is like that and is also a gay ass answer#merlin rewatch
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Before I post anything else actually I have a VERY IMPORTANT PSA
(context, Alfonse and Sharena are Emblems here and it's a continuation of another goofy thing I made featuring them w this AU)
Transcript under cut!
Emblem AU
Sharena: "ALFONSE you ASSHOLE"
(scribbly and jagged "Huh?!" from Alfonse)
Sharena: "AS OF gen 7, Flareon AND Salazzle are the only fully evolved Fire Types who can't learn Solar Beam!!"
(Dialogue outside of talk bubbles) Alfonse: "DAMN it!! A grave oversight..." (BONK effect as Sharena punches him) "do you HATE women Alfonse?!" Alfonse "What!! No!!"
Alfred: "THIS is BLATANT Incineroar erasure!!!"
Céline, in rambling text: "also recent additions are Cinderace and interestingly enough Ceruledge -- its counterpart Armarouge can, meanwhile Ceruledge learns Solar Blade via move reminder"
Bullet point reads: *Physical counterpart to Solar Beam, introduced with Lurantis
#fire emblem#adding to my sharena swearing hc actually. the og hc i had was she's the type to say a swear word Once#and then feel so so soooooooo bad about it and makes a promise to herself she will NEVER say that EVER again#without any outside influence she's just like that. updating this thought though part 2.#she VERY occasionally swears ONLY if it's funny. scares the shit out of alfonse any time it happens#also i feel like clanne and framme could have worked here or alfred and clanne (clanne infodumping) but.#i love celine....... 🥲🥲🥲 and honestly she's lowkey autistic about tea. so. i think it translates.#(idk if that's a hard and fast hc i have but like i have no other way to describe it LMFAOOOO)#i have to play more engage.......#fe alfonse#sharena#fe alfred#fe celine#my art#ADDITION ACTUALLY I REALLY WANT ALFONSE AND CELINE TO BE FRIENDS TOO.#i find it SO fascinating and funny that the firene siblings are like the askr siblings but in reverse.#heroes was SO RIGHT to establish an alfred/sharena friendship but i think they can go further.#ALFONSE CELINE FRIENDSHIP WHEN HEROES!!!!!!!!!!! ON MY KNEES BEGGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also yes i did go out of my way to look this up on serebii dot net. i don't think i missed any? if i did sorry!!!
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Bro what the hell
[it's me]
girl you've been running through my mind all day
#saving this gif actually. need it for purposes and methods#fun fact about me: i almost never run if i can help it#i have almost an inability to run bc my self inhibitions are that strong#do i know why? not really#is it childhood trauma? i hope not!#and now i REALLY don't run because one of my knees doesn't work right and will probably pop out of the socket#this gif is my vibe though#a little creature traversing the mortal plane with uncanny locomotion
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people who dont eat snacks on a regular basis have my deep admiration.
#i dont know how they do it. i need a snack everyday#i'm getting a snack right now#and i DON'T need it!!#i'm trying really hard to cut out snacks and work out more often#i used to be able to work out like 2 hours a day#but lately its been hard for me to do more than 30 minutes#especially since i cant go to the gym right now or walk like i used to since i hurt my knee#i need to find a good workout that can make me sweat
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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