#my iron levels are kinda low but good enough to donate

[no-one-hears-me]

back on my blood donation grind

[viridianforest]

i just donated blood for the first time!! 😱

gonna be talkin about it under the cut so don’t read if you don’t wanna hear about blood n stuff!!

so me and my dad arrived at the place (he was giving blood too, he’s done it before) and we had to fill out health questionnaires to make sure we can actually give blood

then we were given big glasses of water to drink. i got a refill because i drank mine too quickly ;;

then i got called over to answer a few questions cuz i’d ticked yes on the medications part of the questionnaire so they just needed to write down the meds i take, and then they pricked my finger to get a drop of blood to do an iron test and it turns out my iron levels are good 👍 (i was slightly worried because i’ve had low iron levels in the past which i had to take tablets for but it’s good to hear it’s all good now) i also had to sign a piece of paper giving them permission to use my blood etc and i was so anxious i wrote the wrong date twice fghjkhnjmghjk

i then sat in the next waiting area until i got called and had to sit in a big chair which they can rotate backwards. the nurse said i looked small and asked me if i was definitely heavy enough to donate blood and i said i knew i was at least 50kg (which is the minimum) and she was like, you know that’s borderline right? so she had to go speak to a colleague to be sure and it was fine but she said they just have to be sure (the reason i’ve never donated blood until now was because i’ve been too small but now i have some more meat on me so i finally meet the minimum weight. it doesn’t help that i’m so short 😅)

she then put the needle in and i made a weird involuntary noise like “ohh ho ho ow ow ow ho ho” and she was like “oh dear” and another nurse nearby said it was the funniest noise she’d heard all day. the nurse that put the needle in then was about to leave me to it and i asked her out of curiosity how long it’d take and she was like “it’s down to you, however quickly you bleed!”

i had to make sure to do a few small exercises to keep my blood pressure up, like clenching and un-clenching my fists, leg muscles, etc. i started to feel pretty faint and nauseous and weak and it probably didn’t help that my anxiety levels had been pretty high all day and especially since getting there (like, even tho i rlly wanted to do it i was still rlly nervous) it also probably didn’t help my anxiety that out of curiosity i looked over the side of the chair to see the bag filling up with my blood (i mean it was rlly interesting but also kinda like... omg that’s coming out of me right now holy shit) my dad said i almost looked like i was asleep or something

when the bag was full another nurse came over to unhook it all and asked me how i was feeling and i mentioned i was feeling light-headed so they reminded me to keep tightening and un-tightening my leg and butt muscles whilst they tipped the chair back further so my head was below my body and they gave me some water to drink

one of the nurses stayed with me talking to me to make sure i was ok 😅 i told her how i have anxiety which was probably making me feel worse and she was like yeah probably 😆 she said apparently i looked pretty pale when i said i felt lightheaded and i mentioned how i always look kinda pale and she was like “well... even more pale... almost like a pale green” 

after i felt mostly better she helped me up and i went over to the table with snacks and drinks and she gave me a leaflet they give to donors that feel faint with some help and advice in case you still feel faint later on

soon after my dad joined me at the table (it went fine for him, like usual, he’s a lot bigger than me so it must affect him less!). i had lots of blackcurrant squash and raisins and he had a drink and a snack too and then we made our way back.

and now i have this on my arm which i have to keep on until later tonight

all in all despite feeling quite rough i’m glad i did it!! feels rlly good to know that i could be helping someone out who needs a blood transfusion and i’d like to do it again sometime (the nurse said how it won’t feel as bad and i won’t feel as anxious next time i do it because now i know what it’s like!)

[my-autistic-things]

@charles-stark137 Kinda. Supposedly. Yes? I mean, if you didn't look at my blood test numbers then yes T makes my RBC too high. Verbally, everyone is saying my T is the cause, but my T levels are low and it doesn't make sense why this would be happening at all.

Your doctor should have suggested that you donate blood every 4-6 months. Mine is too high to donate (if your iron exceeds their range they won't let you donate). If your iron is too high, then you'll need to go to a clinic to properly discard your blood. If your iron is good enough, then you could donate and save lives. I'd go donate asap bc (in my state at least) you get put on a blacklist for 8 (? 6?) months if your levels are too high so I had to go see a clinic. It's fairly easy to donate blood. You go down to the place, probably should make an appointment, or go to a blood drive, fill out their forms, then they will prick your finger to test your iron levels and then idk what's next bc that's all I could do before they shooed me away lol (just don't mention ur gay/homosexually active bc then u can't donate blood)

I've officially made it to closing time at the clinic where I do my phlebotoby. So uhhh almost an hour and a half to do all this (drain 400 of my blood)

[momoverthemoon]

Not a mom thing

I just failed a psyche eval for a job I was supposed to do. It’s not a job that I had my heart set on but still it sucks. My previous visits to get help kinda worked against me.

My job says to get help and it won’t hurt your career and yet...

...I’m sure I’ll get over it, I have to. Just sucks when my body/mind lets me down. It’s just as bad as when my iron levels would be too low to donate blood or plasma. It’s not that I really really wanted to donate but that I felt good my body was healthy enough to be useful. Idk.

I’m done

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....