#my imposter syndrome is kicking me hard

[missbiddle]

life, huh

[caprart1]

Vindictive god

[nataliescatorccio]

mood today is feeling deeply inadequate and always the forgotten person yay!!!

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Me: wow I can't believe how well that meeting went! This might actually pan out!! Wow!! I feel... So...

Brain: sad?

Me: what

Brain: exhausted, anxious... Sad?

Me: no definitely not sad. This is great! This is good news! This is positive!

Brain: sad.

Me: why 😭

[0rchidm4ntis]

i want to skip classes tomorrow bc i need to go get groceries but also i skipped the entirety of last week mhhhh

[thebeths]

sooooo crazy... I got no fucking clue man

[blood-starved-beast]

Melinoe: Care to cite your sources on how the people that care for me don't actually do so? In 12 pt Times New Greek font and MLA format? 🧐

Eris, who is not at all projecting her own issues here and lowkey expected some meeting in the middle and did not expect Melinoe to respond this way: Oh you know...

Anyways shout out to Melinoe for this level of self-worth. When you have imposter syndrome it can be hard not to fall into bad habits like doubting the love of those around you. Doesn't mean she picks up on Eris's whole deal though (damn the autism is strong with this interaction).

I wonder if this is part of Eris's history though. Back when the house was still Nyx's and Eris was born during that time when Nyx was swamped with work and kids. People smiling at the youngest kid then being kicked out cause she's Strife and the new order that no doubt was established after Hades joined the business didn't allow for that kind of disorder. Like I wonder...

Cause it's interesting. Eris the goddess of discord not only embodies the conflict as we know it but the negative emotions that drive competition if I'm reading my greek myths right. So if you see someone winning Eris is there whispering in your ear to covet their position and do better (metaphorically speaking of course). So that could be the case here with Mel (and in a more abstract sense, the motivation for the fights in the Beach) but also. Could have that been her role in the House pre-Hades? "Inspiration" through spite but when that's not wanted anymore gets kicked from the place? She does have a strong animosity towards the House after all.

[moldspace]

new year new news

hey everyone! wow! 2022 is over! what a year! i made a lot of art, had some cool opportunities (painting a mural!!!) and some challenging transitions (quitting my job, switching academic programs!) but i think, overall, i’m glad to put this one in the rear view mirror. 

now, to get out of the rear view mirror and look forwards into the metaphorical windshield - my resolution this year is to MAKE MORE ART and to GET OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE and with that in mind, my first actionable goal for 2023 was...

to start a patreon!

not gonna lie, i’ve been just as nervous as i’ve been busy setting this up the past few weeks (and the imposter syndrome has kicked in HARD), but hey, doing new things is always scary and awkward. and i really wanted a good excuse to put some time and energy into behind-the-scenes stories, progress shots, sketchbook pages that aren’t pretty enough to post on their own, and rambling talks about the winding path my own art tends to follow. so maybe check it out and throw some money my way, if you’ve got extra and are curious!

currently i’ve just got one $3 tier up, but i’m sure that will change and evolve as i figure out what i’m doing. but what can i access with three dollars, i hear you ask? well...

full digital copies of all of my zines! with transcripts, and personal commentary!

polls! maybe i'm making new stickers and don't know which design to go with, maybe i'm amassing work for an update and don't know if i should make some more selkies or some more sphinxes - these polls will help ME decide what to make more of, and help YOU ALL see more of what you want from me. win-win!

behind the scenes posts and videos! i have to admit that i harbor a secret love for video editing, but I have so far had no real outlet for it (aside from the AMVs that i occasionally make in a fugue state and NO i’m never showing them to a soul) - but i've just filmed and edited the first full start-to-finish process video for patreon! watch me make a ceramic beasty from sketch to glaze firing, with full voiceover commentary (my voice was once described by a child as “why do you sound like that? you sound like you’re going to cry” so look forward to that!) i have plans in the future for tutorial posts and videos, more process timelapses, and full behind the scenes zine-making retrospectives, from writing to illustrating to binding.

this month (january 2023) only, sign up as a patron and i will personally send a little doodle to your house! yes, like in the mail. feel free to send me a prompt with your pledge, otherwise it’ll probably be some sort of creature with a human face and stars on it. maybe it will still be that, even if you give me a prompt.

finally, you will get my eternal gratitude! i truly cannot thank you all enough for the support and love over the years. it's been such an amazing honor to find other people who like the wacky little critters i make, and whether you've purchased art from me, follow me, or are even just someone who's seen and liked a piece of mine, i am forever grateful to be able to connect across space and time, with you, over art. 

whether or not you decide to pledge, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! i am so lucky to have this space on tumblr to share my work - every kind comment means the world to me, and i just hope my work can be enriching to your worlds in some small way, too! i know making it enriches mine :^)

[youalreadyhavefullresults]

more success stories

During the time I wasn't as active on Tumblr, I was actually going through pretty difficult circumstances in the 3D. There had been some issues with my enrollment, and I was about to be kicked out of the university I was at. Why did this happen in the first place?

Despite me manifesting that I was at my desired university earlier in the year, I would constantly feel imposter syndrome, as if everyone was so much smarter than me, as if I didn't belong there. I would constantly be feeling inferior to everyone, and I just assumed that it was a normal feeling to have. I won't go into too many details, but eventually, I had a month before I was to be kicked out of the uni.

Obviously, my first reaction was panic, and then I started to calm down. If my thinking led me into this situation, then couldn't I just manifest myself out of it? At this time, I was more of an affirm and persist kind of person, but no matter how much I affirmed for hours, nothing happened. At this point, I had a week left, and I was starting to freak out.

That's when I stumbled onto Edward Art, someone who preached the use of states and knowing that it's done. And that's when I realized. For the entire time I had been affirming for hours, I was treating affirming as a way to get something I wanted. It was a method to get me what I want.

But affirming, visualizing, scripting, subliminals, or any method, isn't meant to be done to get something. It's to make you feel as if you already have it. Persisting in that is what will actually get you your manifestations. I'm still a big advocate for affirming, but make sure it's being used to remind of your desire rather than get you your desire.

So I followed this advice, and with a week left, I stopped affirming for hours. Whenever the thought passed my mind, I'd only think in my favor, and then let it go. It was all natural thoughts, to the point where I couldn't tell whether the 3D or 4D was real anymore. It's hard to fully fall into your imagination when there's this inherent fear that it won't manifest, and I found this video to be really helpful. I soon started to know that my 4D was more real than my 3D, and eventually, within that week, I got big movement, and I was allowed to stay.

Fast forward to 2 months later, no one around me ever found out this happened, and I am thriving in my classes now.

tldr; any method is to remind you of your desire, not give you your desire.

-cinna

[yuurivoice]

A lot of creatives have a point where they have that sorta "Nobody's gonna wanna see this/nobody will care" feeling about their work.

I was wondering if you've ever struggled with that sort of feeling, be it about your audio content or even just other creative projects? If so, how did you end up overcoming it in the end? Do you ever feel that way these days?

Only if you wanna answer ^^

Oh plenty of times! Whether it's due to imposter syndrome, or just a general numbers slump, or something you worked really hard on just not doing as well as you wanted it to...plenty of ways to end up with that sorta hopeless feeling.

This is one of the times where it truly matters why you started doing the thing in the first place, when your intentions get checked. That big ass filter will hit you eventually. Are you here because you wanna create, or because you want number go up? Would you be doing this even if there was no compensation, or are you tapping out the moment you aren't profitable?

So you take a deep breath, feel bad for a little bit, then take a look inwards. What could you do better? What can you change or do in addition to your current approach? What are others doing that's working, and why isn't it working for you?

Sometimes auditing yourself to see what's not working can be rough. Looking at your peers might press on your insecurities. But if you actually want to improve in terms of reach and growth, you can't just piss and moan about algorithms, or how other people are successful, or any of that.

You can always improve in some way or another, and there are always alternative paths to success. Whatever that might look like for you!

When Finn's content was first coming out he didn't do super great. He was cute but he wasn't doing numbers. It bummed me out and soured me on pushing him real hard at the time. Years later, his compilation with many of the same videos I didn't love ended up being my first video over a million views.

There is ALWAYS a way to make shit work. It might not be right when you expected it to be, but it can surprise you if you keep hustling.

A lot of the recent changes I made with thumbnails and other stuff came about because I was frustrated in this exact way. 7 years into it and I was still looking for ways to get better and kick more ass. It'll happen again and again because I'm here for this shit and it's not just a job, it was a hobby that I fell in love with and take pride in. I like getting better, whether it's in the business side or if it's my writing and acting.

But I've never immediately spring back from that initial feeling of frustration. I'll mope and feel bad and get frustrated and upset.

Then it's over, and I get back in the saddle.

So keep on trying, keep on creating, and try to find the joy in it all!

[nevarroes]

I don't know if it will help but. There is a finite number of poses a human body can take. At some point you would use all of them.

To me Gortcas arts are like a fav actor's Instagram. Like babe you can post the same selfie in a different shirt and still will be kicking my legs from joy.

It's a bit crazy to me how easily you find beauty to appreciate in other people's art you repost. But at the same time can't see how amazing your own is :<

thank u so much man, I'm glad 2 hear you still like it even if I struggle with like well. idk... art in general I suppose😭

I get the thing about poses but it's really more of an irrational fear tbh, me getting a bit mad at myself when I need the same face angle for a pose as I used in a recent drawing, imposter syndrome moments when I reuse things I never finished for another drawing etc. like I can honestly sit there all day nd beat myself up for shit that I very much KNOW make no sense but its just idk.... I'm hard on myself even if I don't mean to be

anyways sorry I didn't really mean to vent w this tbh just kinda talk abt what's going through my head (unfortuantely) and I really appreciate this though. thank you💜💜

[velvvetcat09]

sometimes my imposter syndrome kicks in and starts gnawing all my progress. i feel like i’ve done something bad with my art when it gains attention, i feel like taking away attention from other people, i feel like an outsider intruding whenever i get into a new fandom, place. i feel like i’ve insincere all this time

part of me knows that’s not true, that i’ve done my best. and it’s always been those two sides battling inside me. i feel like i cant tell this to anyone that i know, not to family, not to friends. i feel like wearing a transparent mask all the time.

i feel so bad asking for validation, reassurance, again and again. i crave them so much that i do anything i could do to gain that recognition, but only to feel like a total fraud after that bc i feel like i have ulterior motives. i don’t, but maybe i did, i really don’t know, i hate that i keep feeling like this after everything i’ve done.

i’m so sorry if what i’ve done, what i’ve created has annoyed, offended, hurt you. i’m sorry if i’ve unconsciously taken something from you, maybe there’s people out there that felt that about me. i’m so sorry.

it might be just my stupid brain, in constant battle with my rationality. in the midst of all, i’m trying to be a good person, reliable, responsible, capable. it’s really hard when you’re your worst enemy, critics, hater. if there’s anyone that hate me, rest assured i hate myself more than you ever will.

[nights-at-crystarium]

January 9 is Vivi’s birthday \;w;/ The date’s cheeky, it’s when I reached ShB on him ingame. A year ago. JUST A YEAR. No other oc of mine had such an intense development process. I wanted to try writing a disaster, and, well....

Lemme have today as an excuse to ramble about his influences. Of course I didn’t merely lump these together, I kept realizing the likeness as time went on.

The concentration of unhinged blondies and literal idols is past the critical level, take cover, it’s gonna blow.

Spoiler warning for everything.

Anarchy Panty

Because his full name’s Vivien Fucksalot Rell x’D A good number of their tropes match perfectly.

This speech could as well be copypasted into his final battle with Emet:

Panty: You're right, I'm just a little bitch and I'm proud of it. But guess what, douchebag? That's not the point. News flash, I don't need special fucking powers to beat the shit out of you. You know why? Because I'm a bitch who doesn't give a fuck. You and your half-dead face can preach about hymens and demons and other weird words that supposedly mean shit, but that doesn't change the fact that if any of you fuckers get in my way, I'm gonna kick some twisted-ass ass. You hear me dick? I'm a hot bitch angel named Panty. And no matter what anyone says, I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT!

Princess Ai

An edgy fashion icon that I'm still in love with. Brainstorming the visual styles for Vivi, I simply decided to indulge as hard as I can.

Howl

Howl gets his redemption arc, Vivi, uh.... Surprise, the entire ShB part of Fragments is his redemption arc of sorts. But he exists outside ShB as well. He’s not meant to be a goody two shoes. But hey, his drama queen moments are entertaining to watch.

Raha has a lot of Howl in his character too. With Vivi, he’s basically this, except he doesn’t swallow him.. Okay he does but in a different way *kicked*

Arataka Reigen

Because I’m physically incapable of writing a classic hero.

Vivi has a complicated relationship with his career and a pragmatic approach to most things in life. He also prefers words to violence, will fight only if that fails.

When confidence and persuasion carry so hard you don’t really need anything else. Vivi firmly believes in everything he says and does. He doesn’t derive any fucked up joy from being right, but he knows as a fact that he IS right.

Sakuma Ryuichi

Duality my beloved \o/ And dorkiness. Other than that, Ryuichi doesn’t have as much influence on his character, but the visuals?

I mean I literally use this shirt and necklace as an easter egg/homage. Gravitation triggered my queer awakening in the faraway 2006, might as well give it the acknowledgement it deserves.

And, lastly, the he.

What else do you expect from a character tailored for a ship \o/

Short. Sassy. Dorky. Gremlin. All of their direct likeness stems from ARR, while the more subtle parallels and extreme opposite values form later.

If Raha’s eccentric, Vivi takes that just a tad bit further, simply because he’s always been allowed to.

What Raha keeps repressed, buried deep down, Vivi embraces in full. He’s an unruly, effervescent spark of life, he’s meant to be Raha’s “manic pixie dream boy” according to tvtropes, to slowly lure him out of his shell and teach him confidence, the joy of living, and find a way to stop him from killing himself over and over again.

Words of praise and affirmation have no effect on them. Both are competent in some field, but never brag about it. While Raha has a severe imposter syndrome, Vivi knows he’s cool as a fact, which still doesn't mean he loves or values himself as he should. He just acknowledges and uses his status for his own benefit as openly as the world keeps using himself.

Destiny (affectionate) and destiny (derogatory).

Raha’s The Adult (tm) Vivi needs to stay somewhat stable. This’s the reason they don’t quite get along in ARR yet, Raha must go through that century of suffering that, despite all common sense, refines him into something delightful, Vivi must go through HW-SB to realize his priorities in life and frankly get fucked up enough to form a perfect chemistry with Exarch.

Raha has a moral compass that he may adjust at will, Vivi has none at all. How much more questionable would they be if they weren’t cute and charismatic :’D

They’re feisty and competitive towards each other, Raha especially so. Vivi has a red cloth effect on him. Forever wrestling for that imaginary control (yep, in bed too). On the emotional side, it’s forever “you matter, I don’t”. They’re mirrors of each other, reflecting some parts as they are, twisting others in most peculiar ways.

Vivi literally wouldn’t exist without Raha, both ic and ooc. So I daresay Raha has the most influence on his character, at the same time he’s his own guy enough to stay interesting. I’m so proud of him. I’m holding him by the scruff and helplessly shaking him in the air.

[rinamars]

Sorry this is unprompted but i need a safe space to dump all my Erwin love that I don't know what to do with lmao. I'm so down bad for this man I need help.😭

You just KNOW this man would make a great devoted husband. I KNOW his natural scent and pheromones would smell sooo goooood. You KNOW this man got a dig ol bick. You KNOW he's a great learner and would be so attentive and intuitive when pleasing you. You KNOW that behind that stoic facade he's a big ol softie just aaahhh this man's got me kicking my feet and giggling lmao 😭😭. And while he's a big ol softie at heart you KNOW he can turn on his ruthlessness to dominate you. I just wanna kiss kiss kiss his face. I just wanna rub our faces together like cats. I just wanna lovingly caress those eyebrows. I just wanna hold him and console him over his imposter syndrome and his traumas. I just wanna tell him his father's death isn't his fault. I just wanna tell him his sacrificing his own humanity to save humanity and all his hard work and efforts don't go unnoticed. I just wanna SUCK HIS DICK. I JUST WANNA---

ohhh anon you're in the right place!! you're so real for this. YOU'RE SO REAL

i agree 100%... he'd smell heavenly and he'd be so soft and loving. i too want to minimize his self loathing and spoil him with cuddles and kisses. and also, y'know

(i hereby declare my blog a 100% safe space for the erwin girlies whenever they're in heat)

[sakarrie-creates]

It’s that time of year! Here’s my 2023 art summary! After two years of having to include non-colored pieces, I finally did enough ‘full’ pieces to fill my art summary template! I did have to get a bit creative with the months since I was able to draw a LOT more during the summer, but I’ll take it! Sorry it's a bit blurry. I'm not sure if that's just for the preview or not, but it was a smaller file than normal and since these reflections are 99% for my own interest, I decided it wasn't worth trying to change.

As usual, I got rambly so reflection questions are answered under the cut. The template I used is available here in case anyone else wants to make their own! My fic summary will be coming in a week or so, so stay tuned for the stats and round-up there. :)

What events did you participate in (with art)? Player Appreciation Week, Fandom Trumps Hate, Dear Fellow Traveler (Animatic), Weird People (Editing), SPN Comfortably Queer Zine (dropped), and lots of zine applications for page artist, merch artist, comic artist, and spot artist roles!

What was your biggest challenge this year? While time, like last year, was still a challenge, I think my biggest challenge was a mix of low motivation and an intense perfectionistic mindset. At the start of the year, I got super into TOH and was super hyped about all the zines with apps opening. I really REALLY wanted to get into them and figured I should apply for art too just cause it would increase my overall chances of getting in. After the finale, I did a screenshot redraw that ended up being absolutely fantastic for where my skill level is. I went deeper into rendering than ever before, and somehow it worked for me. 

That probably was the start of my unreasonably high expectations, and I got it into my head that maybe if I could make a whole portfolio of artwork at that quality level, I actually stood a chance at getting into a zine as an artist. From then on, I was hardcore crash-coursing perspective, rendering techniques, and generally trying to improve without allowing room for mistakes. While I do think it helped me grow a lot, it burnt me out so I struggled to work on stuff past summary (when all the zine apps were) and even dropped from the SPN Comfortably Queer Zine cause my imposter syndrome was so strong. (Though that was also partially because it was a ‘sign-up and you’re in’ zine, so they never saw my art during the application process and had no way of knowing if I was good enough.

What was something you were surprised by? I’m pretty sure I discovered the perspective tool is CSP this year! CSP has so many tools I’m not aware of (despite watching tons of tutorials and guides), so it wasn’t super surprising but it was nice. I have to say, they’re a serious hassle to work with and require a higher understanding of vanishing points and such than I currently have, but I could see it being very useful for future scene art pieces.

Did you try anything new this year?

Yes! This year I kicked down the door to the merch world and have been collecting and designing throughout the year. Though the designs have mostly just been for zine app portfolio’s, everything has worked out really well for me and I hope to produce charms for my collection as I improve my skills. Where do you think you most improved? Definitely my confidence in rendering! And probably my rendering itself too. I did a ton more pieces with it this year and it’s definitely a favorite part of the art process for me. I think I’ll have a lot more fun with it this year too, since I’m trying to keep it lower pressure, so I can experiment more to find out what brushes and styles I like most. What are you most proud of? I think I’m most proud of how ambitious I was with my zine apps. Though I didn’t get into any for art and it burned me out a fair bit, I did a lot of hard work and made pieces I can be mostly happy with. As for specific pieces, I’m very proud of my animatic clip for the Dear Fellow Traveler MAP (which is what the Belos art from the summary is from). My portion was about 5 seconds with 24 fully colored and shaded frames. A few of those were moving frames too, so the end result is the closest thing to actual animation I’ve done. I also really like the rendering on the Huntlow Epilogue art and generally how the Steve&Matt hug turned out.

How’d this year compare to your 2023 goals? I honestly couldn’t remember what my goals were, but all things considered, I didn’t do too bad! Thankfully past-Sakarrie was wise and made it a bullet list so I can just check things off. Met: -Player Appreciation Week -Add to zine portfolio -Apply to at least one zine as an artist (fine if don’t get accepted) -Keep experimenting with backgrounds and shading -Pull out some old WIPs -Build more consistency of style

The checked off ones I definitely met, so good for me! This was a very zine-focused year, so I way exceeded those goals. The last two I did do, but they’re a bit subjective. Specifically, I think the ‘WIPs’ I was referring to were old sketches, but most of the old WIPs I revisited were already colored and I was either adding rendered or cleaning them up for zine usage. As for style, I’m REALLY bad at telling haha. That said, my characters seem reasonably similar when I draw them, so I’m going to tentatively count it. Kinda: -One fully colored piece per month

I’m gonna give myself a half check on this one. I didn’t have a fully colored piece every month, but I did have over 12 fully rendered pieces in the end, several of which had backgrounds. So while I didn’t meet the letter of the goal, I feel like I met the spirit of it.

Did Not Meet: -Finish Huntlow comic -30 minutes animatic digitalize rough draft -Maybe make some fanart of my favorite fics

These don’t shock me. They’re all personal projects and this was a very external-goal-driven year for me. The Huntlow comic is a big love of mine but it’s definitely ambitious for where my skill is. I’ve got the whole thing messy-sketched and most of it has been clean sketched, but the jump from that to lineart is gonna be hard, and I have no idea what I’d be doing with color since the panels don’t have a background. That said, I do feel like it’s some solid work and I adore the angst vibe of it, so maybe I’ll get it done one day. I could also see myself posting it as a messy lineart comic so that others could enjoy the concept being executed in case it never gets finished.

As for the 30 Minutes animatic, I still 100% intend to complete it eventually. I love the way it fits to the music and I’m so proud of the thumbnails. Even if it never becomes a full animatic, I want to digitize the frames and line it up with music so I can share the concept I see in my mind with others. My brain was somewhat overtaken suddenly by TOH this year, so now that that’s settled and I’m hoping to follow my muse more this year, maybe this will be something I can get excited about again.

The fanart for favorite fics is no surprise since it’s kinda the tack on. With low motivation and projects with deadlines that needed my focus, personal art like this was buried way below other priorities. It’s a nice though for sure though.

Alrighty then, now it’s time for 2024 goals!! Oh goodness, I really don’t know what to expect of myself. I definitely am going to try to allow for more personal projects with lower pressure, but I do still have some goals. Hopefully most can be accomplished without applying big pressure though.

2024 Goals:

-Number One Priority: Create for my and don’t put myself in a place to get crazy burnt out and still have requirements. If I meet this goal, then it’s okay if I don’t meet any of the others. (It would be sad.... But I would still count it as meeting overall goals.) -Participate in Summergen and PAW Week (Art or Fic) -Design Handplates charm as anniversary gift (November) -Design CS Charm -Have a fully usable Zine Portfolio (Currently need more merch samples and rendered pieces with backgrounds) -Apply to new TOH Zines or other loved fandom zines. If I end up getting into any, I can pull back, but since that doesn’t seem likely, I want to get into the habit of always being ready to apply with what I have. -Make an ongoing project list to pin to my tumblr. This applies mostly for fics, but that way people coming to my page can see what fandoms I’m actively creating for and what they can look forward to (as well as have an opening to ask questions if they’re interested). -Post more (at least 10 times throughout the year) and add my best pieces to instagram (8+ pieces by end of year). -Do ONE of the following:     1. 30 minutes digitized so it can be shared with music      2. Open Up Your Eyes fully thumbnail      3. Fanworks for other people’s fics      4. Participate in an extra bang or exchange with art      5. Design and manufacture a pin -Play with different brushes and rendering styles -Draw something from scratch every month, no matter how small -Not exactly art, but I want to have a finalized long-term merch display plan for all my items Overall, how’d the year go? I think I did well! I didn’t meet all my goals and I pushed myself too far, but I learned and improved a LOT this year. All things considered, I made pieces that last year me would be blown away by, so I think that’s an automatic win. I’m pretty uncertain on how this next year will go (even more so than last year, which is surprising since I was changing schools last year), but I’m hoping to enjoy what I do and create art semi-regularly. Here’s to 2024!