#my ideal romance is just really good friends and i didnt feel that

[i-spilled-my-soup]

things you liked+didn't like about tsats?

haven't read it in a hot minute but my recollections follow thus

liked

that scene with bianca in the lotus hotel.... augugahug. i miss bianca. i wanna see more of her. please

dionysus being a chill guy. and he's eating popcorn. he deserves it

disliked

its so romance-focused.. which i guess is The Point of that book but. not what i was hoping for, not what i was looking for..

it doesn't fit my taste which is not a fair standard for anything Remotely unbiased but this post is biased so i shall continue. there were a number of tropes that i've seen before and poignantly dislike. the cutesy romancey bits felt a little dull to me

that one bit about jasons arms

[dateamonster]

trying to imagine how a platonic alternate ending for sonny and dawn could have gone and the conclusion i keep coming to is that theres just no way there was enough room in this b-plot for things to be resolved in a satisfying way. for me a good ending to the sunny/dawn storyline would have to require at least a few things:

more time spent exploring their friendship dynamic. how did they meet? when did sonny develop feelings for dawn and why? was it just superficial attraction or something more based on their growing closeness as friends? did sonny ever worry about how his feelings might affect their friendship?

more time spent exploring the differences between fairies and elves, specifically from sunnys perspective. its pretty apparent just from visual cues that the elves are supposed to represent a sort of peasant class to juxtapose against the fairy royalty, but as ive talked about probably an annoying amount at this point, this is never addressed or even really necessary to the plot. theres no way it didnt affect their dynamic though. id love to see an interpretation of sonnys unrequited love that plays with this a little. maybe he sees dawns obsession with romancing young fairy men and fears what he sees as an inevitable future in which he is no longer an important part of her life. maybe his attachment to dawn alienates him from his fellow elves and he finds himself feeling caught between worlds.

explicit confirmation that the true love necessary to break the love potions doesnt need to be romantic in nature. since the movie steadfastly refuses to reveal more than the bare minimum on how the magic here works, heres how i think it should go. true love can be platonic but must be equal/requited between both parties to break the spell. dawn realizing she loves sonny doesnt break the spell. shes always loved sonny, as her best friend. in this version, its sonny realizing that his love for dawn as a friend is more important to him than his fear of rejection.

basically my ideal sunny/dawn platonic storyline (very briefly) would be like. sunny meets dawn when theyre both young and shes immediately very open and loving with him, not old enough yet to be bogged down by class/species distinctions, but while sonny cares for her as well hes much more aware of the imbalance and constantly worries about her losing interest in him. over time, and as his feelings for her develop, that fear only grows and he takes on his bombastic personality, playing the role of friend, confidant, wingman, personal jester, and whatever else is required just to keep her in his life. when she starts taking a (very intense) interest in dating, he realizes he cant put off confessing his feelings much longer, but dreads what he feels like will be a guaranteed rejection, marking the end of their friendship. from there the plot continues as normal until, in the final confrontation, the love potion influenced dawn takes a blow meant for bk and sonny realizes that the actions he took to try and keep her in his life could be the reason he ends up losing her forever. he tearfully confesses that he doesnt care any more if she returns his feelings, he just doesnt want to lose his best friend, and thats what ultimately snaps her out of it.

i think the arc should end sorta semi-ambiguously but hopefully, with dawn being naturally upset about the whole love potion thing but also understanding, realizing shes been ignorant to his worries and insecurities as well and grateful that theyre now finally back on the same page.

anyway thats my vision! i also think its p crucial to this arc for this version of strange magic to be ya know better about the racist coding involved in certain character designs but otherwise this is the gist.

[memorantia]

I technically dont know im autistic because im not diagnosed and its more like peoppe around me have told me they think i am (whether it be in a nice way or not might i add 🙁 lately its also sometimes been in a weirdly... attempting romance way? like slow your roll buddy im not this way to make you happy in that way, all apologies, but get outta town!) and like i also have had most close friends that are autistic and even if i am neurotypical and just bad at it, I resonate with autistic people and im glad peoppe seem to be normalizing autism because the world we live in needs to be more open to more minds in general. I sometimes think about how some cultures have been brought to near if not outright erasure only to have the remains pushed together into some commodified "idealized" zombie of what once was and everyobody forgets about the people the ideas came from who died for their beliefes and culture and everyone just keeps forgetting and stuff. I hope we can love autistic people, weird people, all people because anyone who isn't an active harm is an active heal in my opinion and i hate seeing people get put down now that I see no good comes from it. I mean I know there are exceptions but work that out with yourself I don't want to sit and think about it because I am tempted to rant once more. Anyway part of my point is that I'm thankful for autistic acceptance being on the rise (perhaps, its hard to tell) because people do treat me more like an eccentric now and less as a fuck up. For most of my early life people really really didnt like me and though it was eventually deserved because I started being a big cunt wagon to everyone, at first it was because I wasnt likeable, because I said stupid things I thought were funny but everyone elae found embarrassing, etc. My kindergarten teacher got so mad that 8 couldn't hold a pencil and didn't care that I wasnt holdijg it right and refused to change how I held it. She got so mad she called me a slur. No one else in class really understood or cared, and my family used the word kinda flippantly so I thought it was just a word like dumb. Later in 1/2nd whenever I was sent to the principals office these 2 ladies would gossip about me right in front of me and would call me dirty because i would crawl on the floors if I wanted to or play in whatever at recess and yes it did make me kind of dirty. But at least i was alive! When I was in middleschool/early Highschool i got really mean and tried to avoid cringe as much as I could brinf myself to, and would shame others especially online. But in the past 3 or so years I've slowly let go, and today I feel very very free abd try to be as kind to others as I can (when I'm not in evil mode I mean. I'm also very VERY evil). There is so much to love about how everyone is wired a bit differebtly, how everyone was born in a slightly different moment and spot, and how every combination makes the world more complete. If you push people to only be certain things you get very tall islands. But the ocean needs more filling, methinks. Sorry to unleash all this I know no one will see this or be particularly changed by some weirdos surface level takes, but this post sure did speak to me. In conclusion, I love cringe of all forms! We are enemies no longer.

The hard truth about autism acceptance that a lot of people don't want to hear is that autism acceptance also inherently requires acceptance of people who are just weird.

And yes, I mean Those TM people. Middle schoolers who growl and bark and naruto run in the halls. Thirtysomethings who live with their parents. Furries. Fourteen-year-olds who identify as stargender and use neopronouns. Picky eaters. Adults in fandoms. People who talk weird. People who dress weird.

Because autistic people shouldn't have to disclose a medical diagnosis to you to avoid being mocked and ostracized for stuff that, at absolute worst, is annoying. Ruthlessly deriding people for this stuff then tacking on a "oh, but it's okay if they're autistic" does absolutely nothing to help autistic people! Especially when undiagnosed autistic people exist.

Like it or not, if you want to be an ally to autistic people, you're going to have to take the L and leave eccentric, weird people alone. Even if you don't know them to be autistic. You shouldn't be looking for Acceptable Reasons to be mean to people in the first place. Being respectful should be the default.

[emonaculate]

AOT Freshman v Senior Year headcanons (Eren, Armin, and Mikasa)

❥ AU: Highschool!AU

❥ Genre: Fluff

❥ Rating: Everyone can read

❥ Pairing: hinted at Eren x reader

❥ Warnings Include: Profanity, mentions of violence, manipulation, mention of weed, and slight angst

❥ Author Note: I'm making this an entire series for the main cast or my favorite characters from AOT

Eren Yeager

Freshman year

Extremely fucking loud for no reason

Runs to class and somehow always manages to be late

Tries to pay attention in class but due to his ADHD would always spaces tf out

Despite being loud, only talks to Mikasa and Armin

Smells like nothing but AXE body spray, its not even a bad smell, its just too much

That kid that takes P.E. TOO fucking serious

"Eren you know why you're in trouble right?"

"No."

"...You hit your classmate in the face with a ball."

"He could have dodged."

"Eren it was a basketball, you broke his nose and chipped his tooth."

"He shouldn't have gotten so close to me."

Im sorry but totally dresses like this

Constantly compared to his older brother.

"Yeager... Are you by any chance related to Zeke Yeager?"

"No way, your brother is THE Zeke Yeager?"

Makes a name for himself rather quickly

Listens to heavy rock/metal music

He loves My Chemical Romance and Three Day Grace.

Learned how to play the guitar just so he could play "Teenagers"

Forced Mikasa and Armin to also listen to the bands

They ended up all deciding on making a small little garage band; Miki on vocals and drums, Min on bass, and Eren as lead vocalist and electric guitar.

His style changed randomly but no one questioned it since his personality remained the same.

Senior year

180 personality

Completely mellowed tf out

Either he is in class on time or not showing up at all

Senioritis is strong within him

Works better when he is completely out of it

STONER

This mf always high as shit

Either you love him, hate him, or respect him there is no inbetween

MANBUN

Smart as hell but usually on the low

His music taste has changed a little

LOVES POLITICAL RAP

J.cole and Kendrick stan; it is not up for debate

His favorite songs are Neighbors by J.Cole and Alright by Kendrick

Listens to throwback RnB when high

Still godly at the guitar

Has a couple stick and poke tattoos; He has one behind his ear matching Min and Miki.

He has the sun, Armin has the ocean waves, Mikasa has the moon

PIERCINGS

A total of 8; 4 in his left and 2 in his right + the industrial

Has a tongue piercing

A two slices in his eyebrow but only got them as a dare

Most of them minus the industrial piercing was done at home because he has an abnormally high pain tolerance.

Dresses like this

Doesnt really play sports but is super good at soccer and basketball

He's actually good at most sports just refuses to join because why would he want to support a corrupted system??

Still more of a loner but has a rather nice friend group

Looks mean asf but is actually really nice

Goes the hardest for his friends

You fuck with them = you getting your shit rocked by him

100% the friend that hits you for forgetting to eat

Despite being hot as shit; never really has a girlfriend

Its only because hes oblivious or just not interested

Deathly scary when hes pissed

If you guys got beef; there is no talking

Its on sight bro

Be prepared to get beat the fuck up

A few things that makes him go from 0 to 100 is racism, mocking disabled people, and domestic violence

He's an activist

If you need help organizing a protest; he'll help and somehow manage to get people to come.

Basically a really good guy just hot headed as hell

Armin Arlert

Freshman Year

The kid who looked up those lame videos on how to survive highschool.

Panicked when it came to speaking in class

Stuttered like hell

AP CLASSES

He's way too advanced like could graduate early but refuses to so he can stay with his friends

Super sweet but extremely naive

People definitely took advantage of him.

"Hey Armin, my dog got in a car accident so I wasnt really focused in class, can you give me the homework answers?"

"Yeah sure its no problem."

Sends them a whole ass powerpoint on the entire lesson and teaches them better than the actual teacher.

Band nerd

Can play the Piano, Bass, and Trumpet

Listens to Mother Mother and Queen religiously

Only joined Eren's garage band after he agreed to watch Bohemian Rhapsody

Dresses like this

Moved in with Ren and Miki after he went through some shit with his family; he came out as bisexual after realizing he was attracted to one of his classmates.

Sometimes worries that Eren gets uncomfortable but relaxes after he remembers who Eren really is.

Wouldn't trade his friends for the world

Senior Year

His glow up took awhile because he didnt really feel the need to change

He was always rather cute; just shy and timid

VALEDICTORIAN

Slightly because he manipulated his runner up into become a burnout gifted kid lmao

Everyone has his Snapchat and Instagram so they can get help

Now he knows when people are using him and he still lets them; the only difference is you fuck with him and he can make you end up repeating the same grade.

Lets people copy his test and at the last minute pauses and erases all his answers before putting the correct ones.

No one has realized his plan.

His fashion sense changed a lot

Subconsciously tries to match Eren all the time

The only person that noticed was Mikasa; she thinks its cute

Is in love with Russian foreign exchange student, Annie.

He talks to her from time to time before gathering enough courage to ask her out

Doesnt realize how popular he is.

Oftentimes volunteers at the aquarium to study the ocean life as well as help out.

Helps plenty of organizations clean up the ocean.

A total of four piercings and the tattoo that matches his friends.

Two in his ears and nipple piercings.

It was a dare he sobbed through

Mikasa Ackerman

Freshman year

Basketcase

Follows Eren and Armin around

Super quiet

Doesn't really have much of a personality

She is cute though

Dresses like this

Like I said no real personality at all

Well except she was the girl who thought she was in a romance novel

Especially when Eren would get into a fight.

"Eren look at me... This isnt you."

"Mikasa move."

Most times it wouldnt work.

It was just cringy man...

Can play the violin, flute, piano, and cello

Only learned the drums so she could play with Eren and Armin

A secret pop stan

Loves Ariana Grande and Doja Cat

Thank god she manages to grow out of that yucky phase.

Senior Year

GOTH GF

Track, Gymnast, and female basketball player

She mellowed out as well and became her own person

Still heavily in love with Eren

Confessed to him during a karaoke session to the song Baby I by Ariana Grande; he didnt realize.

Sang her heart out and was a blushing mess but still got no where

Has deep down accepted that she may never be more than just his friend

Is okay with it and NOT toxic when he's crushing on someone else

Just wants him to be happy

Saw how he looked at some girl during a fundraiser to raise money for animal shelters and realized that he may never look at her like that.

Turned a guy down because Armin had a crush on him

The ultimate wing girl

Introduced Eren to her opponent after a track meet after realizing it was the girl from the fundraiser.

Dresses like this

Super sweet despite her look

However pick on her friends and you're fucked

CAN and WILL whoop your ass

The only person who can get Eren to not fight.

Pissed them both off at the same time and you're screwed

Has a total of three piercings

Her ears and nose

Loves her boys more than anything

Stays with Eren while her parents travel to help with natural disasters

Noticed that Armin's ideal type is Eren but never mentioned it because she knows Armin would overract

Very observant

Just wants the best for her friends even if she is the one who ends up happy

Eventually falls for the guy that asked her out junior year.

Still close to her boys because they come before anyone.

[helisol]

dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,, 

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi! 

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second. 

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose. 

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right? 

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer.  and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right? 

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo. 

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person. 

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me”  for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo. 

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

[simonalkenmayer]

Miss Simon, I'm a 24 year old nb trans man here to give my two cents on why I personally find monsters of varying shades appealing.

I was really genuinely lonely as a child, I didnt make my first Real Friend until I was 12, and that was toxic as all get-out because she'd never had a friend before either. At school, I was ignored until it was time to be relentlessly bullied. At home, my sister hated my guts, my parents were overworked, and my father was a hideous man in his abusive actions as time went on (he and my mother divorcing when I was 11, thankfully). I had books for escapism, and then games later on.

I never found solace with the humans that I existed alongside for my entire childhood. I never felt right, I always felt like an oucast held up to standards I don't think anyone ever expected me to meet. This was even before I realized I was trans (after i turned 18) and I found my fascination with the "other" to be something I could always relate back to- abused when caught, hated for things you don't understand or can't control, misunderstood, intentionally driven away even by some who offered solace.

For me, monsters were where I felt safe. A vampire or a werewolf or a powerful demon that loved me, romantically or otherwise, that cared enough about me to enact vengeance on my behalf one day and whisk me to a happily-ever-after the next, where we never had to look back... I never wanted anything more as a kid and socially awkward teen. Even still, I find myself yearning for that romance I wanted as a kid, even as I am now surrounding myself slowly with humans who don't make me feel othered and hated and someone to keep around only so they're not alone, or they have a punching bag.

All of this to say that I found in monsters, what I lacked from my human peers and family. Wish fulfillment all the way down. An idealized world. From humble beginnings at Queen of the Damned when I was about 7, to falling hard and fast for Illidan Stormrage at age 11 or so. The personalities drew me in, and made the more "monstrous" aspects of appearance more attractive by association. Now I just think that claws and horns and funky eyes and non-human skintones are quite aesthetically pleasing even aside from this.

Apologies for quite the long ask, I'll understand if you don't publish. I iust wanted to let you in on my perspective, and I know some others feel similarly. Your blog is a delightful presence, and thank you for running this experiment.

Interesting.

One thing we have been discussing a bit in the discord is the subject of the work of one of our members, which has to do with the coding of monsters in stories as being trans or gay. And that this reflection of societal norms actually caused members of the LGBTQ community to identify with and prefer those villains instead of heroes, and thus the link is established.

This is a fascinating thing and for me explains the large number of members of the LGBTQ community that have come here.

I’ve often said that I feel that how monsters have been treated in fiction evinced some internal struggle to humanity, but this idea is causing me to reposition on that. I believed humanity was turning the monster into something similar to itself to vanquish it or incorporate it, but now... what if what was happening was as simple as humanity patterning the monsters in fiction after the real “monsters” it wanted to destroy, until the archetypal images became so much a part of culture that it actually emboldened the ones who were outsiders to make their own fictions, glorifying the monster and making it a subject of desire?

Let’s look at Interview with the Vampire, made in the 70’s. Now I flatly hated and was against the barest notion of it. To me the eroticism and sexuality of the vampire was loathesome. To me it was almost like a breechong of a boundary. At least if the monster was frightening, I knew your species still fears me and I could do something with that. It was familiar. It also made good sense. Of course you’d fear the thing that hints you. But this? It was homoerotic drivel (no offense meant) and was an excuse to talk about abusive relationships. It seemingly had no connection to the myths before which at least had the decency to imply that any sexuality appearing in the films and books were more a manifestation of evil seducing good and good succumbing than anything else. It seemed like such a. Breech, such a strange leap, and I had no context. But really...it seems as if the coding humans put into the monsters they’d been crafting caused people to identify with the monster, and when finally such people had the right and opportunity to create the fictions they wanted to see, we had Anne Rice appear and write a series of books that amounted to gay pornography (no offense again. I know that those books inspired many and are dear to some despite the author’s behavior). All of a sudden we have a huge explosion of vampire stories and especially vampire romance and cue me, standing there with my mouth hanging open wondering why and thinking “I’ll be damned if I ever let one of the monster fetishists near me.”

My how the times have shifted.

But you see? This is an example of why it is important to step into things that bother you and learn about them, so that you can identify what it is that bothers you, and divide it from other things to which it has been attached. I hold no grudge or I’ll will or even sense of injury toward the LGBTQ community, and now that I have heard these ideas I of course understand completely. I already knew I had a huge LGBTQ population and speculated it had something to do with feeling “other” but had no idea how the two were reflexively linked. So now I am very intrigued and will indeed be asking more questions regarding this thought in my surveys.

It’s something that has been echoed by the mentally ill and neurodivergent communities who have come here too—the sense of “otherness” and identifying with the monster (me). I was always sensitive to that fact but had almost no idea that perhaps the shift in the fiction had more to do with a rising counterculture taking ownership of the symbols used to victimize them. This makes me very happy. It reframed all that I worried about. It makes me proud to be what I am, and happy to furnish such a cause. If indeed this proves true, then “monsters” are exactly what all of you are—harbingers of new ways, the omens of change. That pleases me greatly.

And then of course there’s the delightful flirting that makes room for my otherness and the hilarious images of elaborate sex toys that used to have me vaguely concerned for humanity’s mental health.

In any case...I’ll be rethinking some ideas I had, recomsidering the flow of thoughts I’ve seen.

Fascinating stuff.

Then there’s the fact that, as I said in the discord, I unwittingly coded myself as gay/trans/ND because these were the words I had,. I wear both genders or none at all rather fluidly. I saw fit to write about my attaachemts both to Rebecca and Chef. I saw fit to talk about what I feel and how I sometimes lose myself—all words and ideas that cause me to be coded as yet another villain you can all identify with and feel empowered by. It’s no wonder so many of you want to write Dan fictions or stories inspired by me. I understand it now.

Society tried to cast you out, you did the same thing as I, and used their tools against them, appealing to their deeper thoughts about themselves and to others of your group. You used monsters as a rallying point. And this encouraged me to believe that there were no longer any of the barriers there used to be, and step forward, which for some of you must seem...affirming I would think. And here we are...friends of a kind. And I am using my story to reflect back on society and show it what it has been discuss what it should be.

This is a delightful memetic helix we are locked within and I approve.

[cottoncandyjester]

What would be your OCs ideal "meet-cute"? Like how did they plan to meet their darling in a way that would attract them to the boys? Or did it happen by pure coincidence?

love the ask! Prepare for chaos cause I like seeing them struggle

Also omg you gave a request Im so happy I think you're so cool and i like seeing you on my notifications so please like and request more stuff if you want to ahhhh💖-

This story contains: talk of stalking, yandere behavior, talk of sex (sorry it's prince...sex is always on his mind)

Theodore

Oh he's smart

He knows exactly how he wants to set up

He first saw you in your favorite bakery and from then on it was a done deal

His five years of stalking you has paid off

He knows almost everything at this point

He wanted it to be romantic and something out of a romance movie

But- he's still a bit of a dummy at times and it didn't go exactly how he wanted it to

He's played this out in his head about 100 times, he has done everything he has to in order to get everything to work out in his favor, so why did this have to happen?

His plan was to walk in ten minutes before you did at the bakery, he would pretend to be unsure of what to get then once you walk in he waits exactly two minutes before asking what exactly you would get sounding as lost and clueless as possible

out of the kindness in your heart you will respond and he will charm his way to getting your number, even though he already has it. That was the plan but you never did show up to the bakery so he panicked and went to your house to look for you

Were you kidnapped? Sick? What was going on?! He has rushed to your place now right infront of the door only for it to swing open and for you to crash into him falling ontop of him, okay?

You were frazzled and flustered, you must have woken up late. He looked at you and felt his cheeks turning red as you scrambled up and he picked up his glasses

"i-im so sorry! I just crashed into you i didnt see you"

This wasn't exactly how he expected it but he can use this, sure it wasn't the same but it was alright he can work with this.

"ah, it's quite alright. Though I'm sorry to say but my ankle isn't doing so well"

"holy shit, I'm sorry! So you need help?!"

You helped him up and as theodore leaned on you slightly he shuddered at the scent of you, absolutely delicious.

"sorry, I'm so rude I'm theodore"

"I'm the rude one here, it's [y/n]. do you live around here or something? I feel responsible so let me help by getting you home"

Theodore smiled and adjusted his glasses as he faked the pain in his ankle, it was a little embarrassing having to pretend to be pathetic but his first plan flew out the window and this was all he had left

"live just down the road, thank you for such kindness"

He smiled and knew that he wormed his way into your life, sure it wasn't how he wanted but he was in no rush.

Hikaru

He has to be careful

He's famous after all

He has an image to maintain so he can't be all creepy and stalk you

He pays people to do that

He first saw you at one of his photoshoot sites and he just couldn't help but fall

He really honestly just wants to walk up to you and say hi

But a crowd of people would be on him I minutes so maybe not

He decided to wear a hat and mask

He honestly is so self centered he just wanted to say hi and expected you to swoon

Hikaru adjusted the mask now walking into the book store where he saw you walk into just moments before, plan was to casually find you and bump into you before revealing himself and next thing you know you are jumping into his arms!

So he did just that, walked into the book store, saw you and "accidentally" bumped into you causing the book in your hand to fall

"oh I'm sorry, how clumsy of me"

"no no it's fine! Accidents happen y'know?"

Hikaru smirks before pulling down his mask while picking up the book, his eyes shining with a charming gaze as he looked at you

"how about I make it up to you with some yummy food"

"oh! You're that model from the magazines!"

Yeah baby now come jump into-

"that's sweet but I'm good it's truly fine"

Excuse me bitch?

Hikaru felt his body twitch now fighting the urge to turn his charming grin into a harsh scowl, what the actual hell!? Do you not see how hot he is?! God why the fuck did he fall in love with such a dumbass?!

"o-oh well, how about I pay for your book? I like this book as well so it's only fair"

"you like 'elmo goes to wonderland?'"

Hikaru twitched once more as he glanced down at the book you had dropped and felt his eye twitch with annoyance, why were you buying this?!

"it's for my friend's sister if you were wondering, if you're still up for it let's have that food I want some red bean buns!"

Okay..so that worked?!

Hikaru didn't understand why him being a total idiot wooed you but okay?!

"names [y/n] by the way, I'll let my friend know that you love elmo I'm sure she has more books for you"

Your joke wasn't funny and hikaru now wanted to kiss and strangle you at the same damn time. He feels so embarrassed but at the same time happy.....but the real thing he's thinking is why the hell did I fall for this idiot?!

Prince

Okay so he really just wanted to get into your pants

Like really wanted to get in there

Until he started to stalk you and saw how you acted

That's when he fell for you

He has no idea how to court anyone so he has no idea what the hell to do

This was a whole different game that he didn't know how to play

You were different than the strippers and party loving people he hangs with

You two met out of pure fate

Your friends were forcing you to go out for your birthday to a bar

The bar he worked at

His heart was about to burst

He wanted to say hi soooo bad but your friends were flirting with him hard

He figured if he got them drunk they will pass out

So he did exactly that while leaving you tipsy

He's been bartending for a while so he knows how to do this kinda stuff

Once he strikes up a conversation with you he's so happy

"so, you don't exactly look like one of my normal customers"

"what exactly does your normal customers look like?"

Prince grinned at you as he fixed you another drink before placing it infront of you, giving you a sly wink

"nothing like you doll face, you're too cute and I've never seen your face trust me I would remember a face like yours"

He prayed to God his flirting works cause that's the only trick he's got. He watched you laugh as you took a sip of your drink and he knew he wanted to marry you on the spot

"smooth, but you'll have to try a little harder than that"

"alright well, what's your name?"

"[y/n], why whose askin?"

Prince flashed a huge grin as he leaned down his arms rested against the bar as he eyed you up and down.

"prince is the name, so ever wanted to get behind a bar before?"

"won't you get into trouble for that?"

"I won't tell if you won't"

Sexual tension was HIGH

Prince was ready!

then..you fell asleep

Damn it he got you too drunk, with a long sigh he leaned back now feeling the biggest blue balls in his entire life, he decided it was time to take you home so he did exactly that.

Getting into your place was far too easy and he reminded himself that when you two stsrt dating he has to tighten security around here, he laid you in the bed before placing a soft kiss onto your cheek and leaving but not before writing his phone number and name on a napkin and placing it on your nightstand

Axis

Okay so I've talked about how dumb axis is

But he is like...reallllyyyyy dumb

Poor boy was so excited when he first met you before falling in love

He met you at an art store

He needed help on picking the right color and you popped up

Your voice made him giggle and your smell made him drool

He was in LOVE!

He wanted to meet you again

So he showed up at that art shop every single day listening for your voice and hoping to smell that amazing scent

After six months of actively going he almost given up..until

"excuse me, where are the paint buckets?"

"oh! Right this way!"

Axis perked up as he heard footsteps and the soft scent filling his nose, you! It was you! It had to be you! You were here!

He slowly followed your scent hearing you talk to the worker before hearing the worker's footsteps vanish, he was panicked! Did he look okay?! Did his eyes look weird?! He made sure to wear his sunglasses but they weren't all too tinted..what if you see his weird fish eyes!

All this panicking made him start to shake and he soon heard a voice break him out of it

"excuse me, are you okay?"

He tensed up and snapped his attention onto that voice, that angel of a voice. That voice that could make him do anything it could ever want, you were infront of him and he loved it

"y-yeah! Sorry! I'm just panicking cause I don't know which paint to buy, being blind has its limits haha"

"oh, well I can help if you need?"

He gave an excited nod and you did exactly that just like you did six months ago, it was magical

"what do you need paint for?"

"oh I just moved into a new place"

You moved? He didn't know that, he doesn't know anything about you, he wants to know everything

"oh, well I'm an artist haha, weird yeah?"

"well I don't think it's that weird, it's actually really impressive"

Dontcrydontcrydontcry-

Axis held in every tear he could as he decided to ask the age old question, the question he wanted to know for six months

"what's your name?"

"oh! Sorry! It's [y/n]"

What a pretty name, a name he wanted to now write over and over again, when you asked his name he of course gave it to you before throwing an opportunity out there hoping you take it

"if you ever need help painting your house, I can help out trust me I'm awesome with a brush!"

"I would actually like that, when are you free?"

"now."

That's how he ended up in your home, and into your life.

Yuki

He literally just walked up and said hi

That's it

He saw you and was like "oh okay let's do this now"

He has no grace he doesn't usually plan things out he just goes and see how it works out

As a person who is a mute 80% of the time talking with you was a little awkward.

He gave off a lost puppy type vibe

Yuki usually would never come to an arcade, but he wanted to win the giant stuffed cat that they had at the prize booth it was so big that they simply had a picture of it..it would make a wonderful place to sleep on

It costed so many tickets though so he had put his entire paycheck into that card to hopefully win as much tickets as he could. That's when he met you, you were absolutely killing it on one of the zombie games and honestly it looked super cool

He walked up to the machine before swiping his card and picking up the player two gun, without a single word he started to play as well. The silence was awkward for sure but it was you who broke it

"wow you are actually pretty good, you play a lot?"

"nope."

His short one word answer made you think that he wasn't really wanting to talk so you were about to leave when he simply swiped his card in the player one slot before handing you the gun once more, with a grin you stepped back up and continued to play

You would ask him questions and get one word responses back or even just sounds filled with emotions, you quickly realized that he just was a man of few words

Yuki had been swiping his card for the both of you so when the time came that he was tapped out a look of shock filled him, he was about to go out more money in but it seemed like the store was closing

"well, I better g-"

You were cut off with him grabbing your hand and pulling you to the prize counter. You followed as he gave the worker the card and got exactly what he wanted...the softest, warmest, biggest plushie ever!

As he hugged it close he watched your eyes soften at the sight of it and you were in awe. He glanced at the plushie, then back at you, then back at the plushie

With that he handed the plushie to you watching your eyes grow big as you hesitantly reached out to it

"you're giving it to me?"

He nodded softly as he watched you hug it close

"are you sure?! This is the most expensive thing in the prize corner, I don't even think you can get another one! Are you re-"

"take. It."

You nodded and flashed him a huge grin before you watched him take out a pen and write on the plushie's tummy in big letters

'yuki: XXX-XX-XXXX'

"that's your name? Yuki..well yuki I'm [y/n]! I'll be sure to send lots of pictures of our new baby! Figured we can have joint custody hmm?"

Yuki have another nod as you both started to walk out, he didn't feel mentally exhausted when he was around you. You were definitely special and he wanted to know more.

[flying-elliska]

i didnt rly get time to tell you this after reading chapter 8 last week but ohmygod ellie. you manage to outdo yourself every fucking time im always so blown away by your talent

god i dont even think i can reread it because seeing love portrayed the way you just did makes me cry so bad lmao (the same way i cant reread lucas' pov from diamants with all the sacrifices he made for eli)

it's always so beautiful seeing them nourish each other's souls with the love and warmth they share, and how they treat each other's feelings so delicately (lucas still not admitting to eliott about how his taste buds absolutely dont agree with eliott's and instead seeking out cuisines that'll cater to eli's tastes 🥺 also you have the best date ideas ahhh your mind)

the poetry absolutely broke me tho i teared up so bad sksks youre sickeningly romantic and it hURTS 😭😭 that scene is def in my top 5 romance literatures fr

goddd i love how all versions of Elu in your fics have different love languages and their love is still idk insurmountable(?) like they'll gladly give up everything for each other and still have so much love to give (sorry im a mESS just thinking about it)

also that cliffhanger was so satisfying thank you so much for not letting us experience their heartbreak over separating im so so glad he had the epiphany of this possibility before it was too late ahhhh IM SO HAPPY THEYRE OKAY. yk me being me and generally expecting bad outcomes to get through life, I thought eliott would be snatched away and they'd lose a few years and be reunited later somehow but ofc the pain of loss cant be undone (cause when does life ever work in your favor lol) but im so fucking glad you didn't let that happen omg

sksjsj sorry for this rambling i just wanted you to know what an absolute blessing you are to everyone who gets to read your work (honestly i even recommended this to my friend and would gladly do so to anyone cause i feel bad for whoever hasn't gotten to experience your writing it really is an indulgence 😭 and how you manage to churn out such incredible work in just dAYS?!? is beyond me fr)

also i cant help but envy ppl who have you in their lives cause like omggg this lovely and brilliant person exists amongst you !!! no but rly, this isnt just about your ideas or eloquence, i really love your tumblr (and it feels like a glimpse into your personality) and how well-rounded it is in terms of politics, activism, aesthetic, humour, lol i could go on and on.

thank you so so much for all the efforts you put into your beautiful work and posting your chaps in time (i dont get how you could think we wouldn't follow this fic past winter cause it's literally impossible to abandon your fics in between)

i hope you're doing well and hope you always remember that you're very well-loved by all of us ❤️❤️❤️

🏃🏻‍♀��🏃🏻‍♀️ok im just gonna leave sksjd

what a sweet ask anon ^^ haha it also embarassed me a little, but in a good way ^^

the thing about the love languages is very true. i love that they’re so attentive to each other in canon, that being honest with each other is not always easy but even though they struggle, they keep trying to pay attention and to open up. I think this is so important because in romantic stories there is often the first rush of attraction, the crush, where you get an intuition of who this person is and why they would fit well with you, but if you never go beyond that, it feels like a very shallow story.

I love that with Elu there is this attraction at first sight that feels very romantic and ‘meant to be’ but the story doesn’t equate that with them immediately being completely easy or familiar with each other, they’re still strangers that have to get to know each other. and i think that love language develops at that moment, to bridge the gap between this butterflies-in-the-belly feeling of being irresistibly drawn to a stranger ; and falling in love with a person because you’re discovering who they really are - but it’s very scary, because you have to take the risk of being vulnerable and rejected and messing up. it’s like celine sciamma said, about lovers feeling like they’re inventing a new language every time. if there is not an element of that - something made of inner jokes, of unique little moments, of tentative attentions and attempts at connection, of doubt and taking risks, of learning something entirely new and specific, of making something new together - the romance generally bores me very deeply (i hate insta love for this reason, honestly.)

anyway, yes ^^ with knight AU I had thought about either making it like the movie where only Eliott goes back but like...it’s at the core of Lucas’ character that he goes after Eliott to a dark and scary place to let him know he’s not alone so that just needed to happen ^^

thank you for recommending my writing to your friend, that’s so sweet <3 haha and for your compliments, i think i’m absolutely delightful to be around at times but also frequently grumpy and cantankerous and a lil pretentious so you know ^^ it’s easy to present an idealized version of yourself on the internet. But! it’s still lovely to know that what you put out there vibes with another person so much, you know ?

anyway, big love to you, i hope you are having a lovely day and are doing ok ! <3

[drangues]

nnNOOO I DIDNT WANNA MURDER YOU BUT IM FLAD YOU FOUND THE IDEA,,, TOUCHING??? NICE??? ENOUGH TO SAY I DID. I allegedly write really good one liners out of the blue but I wasn’t expecting that to be one of them. Anyways YEAH that sounds like Kunikida, he’s like the tense before the jumpscare, if that makes sense??? He makes you nervous and you wait and nothing happens but it feels like you aren’t in the clear yet and then BANG. (Nyanon, 1/6)

And then someone smacks their head on something because he scared the hell out of them (AKA Dazai, whenever he tries to sneak out to nap or get food). Dazai, meanwhile, is too much of a Large Ham to pull off tense scares (unless you make him Angry in which case you Better Run). But the idea of them accidentally scaring Fukuzawa though,,, Poor guy, at least they won’t hold it over his head like they would with someone else. (Nyanon, 2/6)

Scares aside, poor Akutagawa can’t seem to Not get Dazai as his Ridiculous but admittedly Very Skilled upperclassman, it’s hilarious. And of course Dazai would be chaotic with his picture taking, he probably pulls off a lot of really dangerous stuff to land some good ones. Then he’s smug about it because even though people are scolding him his pictures are Good and everyone Knows It. And falling out of a tree is probably nothing new to him, lets be honest. (Nyanon, 3/6)

It’s just normally while he’s taking the pictures and not before he can hit the button (it’s okay Dazai, Atsushi is pretty enough that we understand). Also can I just say that poor Chuuya probably has. SO. Many awful photos of him that get taken, courtesy of Dazai. He’s truly a menace (Akutagawa tries to make up for it, though, because photographers are just hardcore piners like that I guess). Also also I’ve decided that Atsushi and Chuuya are lit majors (maybe novelists or poets? (Nyanon, 4/6)

Poe is also in their class!) and Atsushi is Chuuya’s kinda mentee figure. Both of them also use their major to pine, they’re just more Subtle because they can write it out in sappy love letters and stuff. But anyways, onto another Concept: I like to imagine that, when Atsushi gets really into something (a franchise, or a mythos, or something like that), he starts putting together timelines and maps based on the events that happened over the course what he’s interested in. (Nyanon, 5/6)

And he feels a bit stupid because he feels like there are better ones out there, but Dazai is immediately seen in the background, frantically studying what he can on the topic because he thinks Atsushi’s dedication is Cute and he wants to be able to talk to him about it. I don’t know if this is realistic or not I’m very tired. (Nyanon, 6/6)

you writing good liners out of nowhere?? sounds exactly like you and i Agree AND Y E S SS kunikida loves the Suspense, Th r i l l  e r . he likes to screw with you psychologically, im sure he has a detailed ideal plan on how to do that, thats just how he is uwu

dazais professor: YOU SHOULD N E V E R DO THAT E V E R AGAIN THAT WAS DANGEROU- dazai: but i get an A right? professor: dazai: professor: ,,yeah bUT MY POINT STILL STANDS-

i bet dazai has a whole album filled with “unflattering” pictures of chuuya and he gifts it to him as a gag gift on christmas, and akutagawa knowing dazais schemes already (cus he was forced to wake up early in the morning to print everything out with dazai) he has another album ready filled with the most beautiful pictures hes taken of chuuya (which in his opinions are all of them but he had to think from chuuyas perspective) and plus some other photos of stuff chuuya really likes like wine and fancy clothes and expensive looking food (i just know chuuya has a Rich Taste)

chuuya being atsushi’s mentor,,,,s O BBBB god thats so good i LOVE IT and them writing love poems is just so- can we please make poe write a romance novel thats literally just chuuaku and dazatsu and how they got together and thats his Break Through novel that makes him Sell Bank, all because one day he was like “hey lets write this im getting frustrated at the pining” and he just writes chapter after chapter until they finally get together- chuuya and atsushi arent really the most quitest when they tell each other what has happened with their respective love interests and dazai/akutagawa are Very Attention Grabbing with their antics. so poe just Gathers Everything quietly (plus his boyfriend ranpo, a criminology major, also friends with the four idiots, tells him everything)

ALSO WE DONT C AR E ABOUT REALISM THIS IS FICTION BABEYH REALITY CAN BE WHATEVER WE WANT AND DAZAI WOULD D E F IN I T E L Y TRY AND STUDY FRANTICALLY WHAT ATSUSHI IS INTERESTED IN JUST TO CASUALLY BE LIKE “oh that?yeah i thought (x) arc was really cool” AS IF HE WASNT UP ALL NIGHT OEHJAHAJKDSDS 

[aro-aizawa]

ty so much for your response hehe!!

yeah when i was younger ppl would be like, oo who do u have a crush on? and i dont think ive ever had one? sure theres been people i find attractive but id rather have close friends?? (qpr please 🤲) idk what crushes are even like too,,,,,,,, r u just obsessed with them??? want to spend time with them????

when my friend confessed his feelings i just kinda. blank screened. i didnt want to really date someone or anyone? friends was better. so the rejection was. Rip.

idk. in an "ideal future" there would be at least one person i love and we live together. to be best friends -- isnt that what the ideal marriage thing is anyway? but i squirm away from even the concept of dating anyway. for you, what do would u like, ideally?

also.... this is kinda funny but for a while i also id'd as asexual panromantic! currently i like queer bc its so versatile and it sums up so much of my (question marked) feelings towards sexuality and gender lol. ooh and also im getting a diagnosis for adhd !!! (same hat! ) (will the drs ever get in contact after the first questionnaire... *stares off into the distance*)

o)-( idk !! i think ill be experimenting for a while heh

(and im glad u liked the question haha, i hoped it wouldnt be crossing any boundaries)

ALSO with allo fandom reminded bc ur url... i really like fics which are focused on family ties!! when fics are always so focused on a single pairing, it doesnt interest me that much. like just caring abt one person and forgetting ur family/ found family also exists (when good family) is kinda... hm. Hm. Hmmmmm.

thank u again for ur rlly good response!! 🥰🥰🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

right???? i mean when i was younger i did have “crushes” but honestly, when i look back at them the ones i had in primary school was either a) a popular boy that all the girls had crushes on or b) a guy who i could potentially befriend and he was so cool i wanted to know him. at the time i didn’t even have anyone pestering me about who i liked bc i had One (1) friend at the time who didn’t care what i thought lmao but i told myself i had those crushes bc i wanted to fit in w the rest of the kids.

and yikes that sounds hard. like, honestly i really do not know if someone confessed that they had a crush on me. i’d probably be flattered on some level? but i’d also be HELLA nervous, probably decide that i’ll at least try it but eventually they’d get disheartened because i never initiated anything. (oops that sounds like how my literal one relationship happened that i never count bc we didn’t have a crush on each other at first until my friend told him that i had a crush on him when i didn’t. and he asked me out bc of it.)

honestly that’s a mood??? i feel like that’d be completely ideal, because as much as i love being on my own and i’m pretty independant, financially that’s not stable at all. i’d love to have a QPP that i can just,,, relax with. decide that i’ve had enough of being on my own and need to lay on top of someone like a cat decides to curl up with another cat. wouldn’t want to share a bed tho bc i can never sleep when sharing lol

nice! and hnkk yeah queer is deffo a good label. personally, not for me. i like calling the community the queer community instead of the lgbt+ community because it’s more inclusive that way but personally i feel like if i ever label that myself people will assume that i’m alloromantic because we live in an amatonormative society, but it’s a v good term. lol what are the odds! i’m not currently on track to receive a diagnosis of adhd just yet, it’s smth i was considering officially getting pre-covid times and then doctors are like “medical emergencies only” and so i’m just kind of,,, waiting for covid restrictions to ease before officially getting that diagnosis on the way. but like. on the down low bc even though my cousin got diagnosed w it, i’d feel like i’m attention seeking by telling my family i have it without an official diagnosis. but yeah rip it’s gonna take me forever to get it.

HARD SAME. i am. just so WEAK for family focused fics, they’re just. god i love them so much. it’s just. why does the allure of romance compell people so much when you can read about this gruff adult taking one look at this hurt child and think “time to find those adoption papers”???? like FORGET the shipping. i’m gonna get sucked into the 940th found family fic i’ve read ever.

(tho i do actually like some ship fics, they have to be well written and not involve the characters i headcanon as aromantic though, otherwise i will close out of that fic so fast. an annoyance in the mha fandom when 85% of the fandom views aizawa as gay and married to his best friend,,,, they just love to shoehorn that side note in there when it has no revelence whatsoever,,,)

[tadcoopers-throneroom]

Madelena x Gareth (i have a lot of thoughts about this and madelena being arospec and how they communicate about what makes them most comfortable since they're both relationship novices so if you have anything like that you want to add please, please do)

some reason this didnt show up on my phone and since this is a bit more serious then the others I will drop the ask game angle (if this is for the ask game I reblogged) And I’m arospec, so I do have a lot of feelings. And some might be similiar to yours. So Im going to state my thoughts as a demi aro before headcannons.

In general minus the aroness before hand I love this couple because villain x villain is my jam. Just is the trope is amazing.

But Madelena had a whole song number about how she doesn’t feel love and then became good with love is a special kind of infuriating.  Like I do headcannon her as demi aro, mainly with how it’s written it seems like a demi aro experience.  I just had my first crush at age 22,  so it’s not crazy to me that a demi aro who spent a lot of time pretending to be someone she’s not and never really having a friend before Gareth for her not to feel romantic feelings for anyone before Gareth gave her ears and pretty much without directly saying it tells her he understands.  But again having a potential redemption arc with an arospec coded character get saved by romance isn’t ideal. Also the way the song is presented made it seem that she doesn’t feel love because evil is also not good.

And it’s kind of the reason of me not having any hope of any good demi aro representation to come before I die.  Because well most of it will probably be accidental and have the person be saved by the power of love. So in short I love this couple but get why some people might hate it. 

Okay headcannon time

Well from my experience, Madelena is going is to get a crush on Gareth and it’s going to be a bit scary for her.

Like it might be a bit less scary for her then me because my body is made of anxiety but there is still a risk.

Like Gareth is her first friend and she is feeling emotions she never felt before but can’t tell anyone without confessing to Gareth.  And while I HC Gareth as allo , he probably has some concerns about having feelings about Madelena. First off he probably doesn’t want to deal with romantic feelings at all, not dating for him and also isn’t thrilled at the prospect of having feelings for Richard’s wife.  So he has to deal with that. So I feel like the beginning of these feelings they weren’t exactly communicating their emotions.  Just ignore it and it will go away.

But Gareth realizes it isn’t going away so he has to deal with it and I think he would probably lead to him being more vocal with his emotions.  Like he has a feeling and it needs to be fixed. And confessing them seems to be the more direct route, whether it leads to him dating Madelena or not.  

I feel like them communicating could be a problem at first.  I think Gareth would be the more open but I don’t think he would like to be vunreable and Madeleana this is the probably the first time she could be vunerable with someone. But I think they could read each other well which helped them at least until they did start talking about their feelings.

I think the moment when they truly start talking about insecurities is would be when Gareth tries to do something romantic and kind of failed.  And he admits he has no idea what he is doing and Madelena would confess the same thing.  And that is when they started to try and be more open.  Mainly to help each other through their inexperience.  

 Though as far as him being Madelena’s first crush and Gareth finding out.  That would be amzing to see.  I think Gareth would be a bit proud of the fact that he is her only crush she has ever had and a bit confused on how.  Like he  avoided crushes like the plauge as a child and still got them.  How did she imagine to go through her entire life without one?  And maybe Richard or Sid find out about demi aros in the enchanted forest and for some reason tell Gareth.  Or maybe when hunting for Madelena he stops at the bar and hears that term or gray aro and it just clicks.

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[edge-lorde]

just finished savage edennnnn.

it wasnt terribly scientific but it reminded me a lot of the ya books i used to read. obviously written for the love of writing a cool story and doesnt really have a moral or agenda, just pure entertainment. also gives the neanderthals a hopeful end rather than dwelling on the fact that they do all die out. 

i do have a few issues/critiques with it, and i will post them here because they are not necessarily neanderealated, but thinking about what makes a book good or bad and how narrative is put together is honestly half the fun for me. 

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

my first issue is a critique of the writing. ive commended this book for its much better characters than other self published books i have read, but there are still a few things that bother me. 

to begin, the setting of the book is a clan of hunter gatherers just before the last ice age. this clans structure includes all of the men being a group of hunters, which is run in a para-militaristic style. the main character is a man named golau, whose character is the masculine ideal for his people. hes the generic hero type, but also very kind and nurturing, and is set to be the next clan leader. a few of the other hunters are named and come up, but few enough so as to get a good read of their personality. 

one of these such hunters is a man named ceffyl, who did not stick out in the writing at all until the very moment it was relevant. when golau first breaks off from the others to begin his adventure plot, he names ceffyl to take his place as leader and it is revealed that they had actually been best friends this whole time, despite maybe having one scene together where they talk to each other in passing. 

then this happens again when ceffyl reveals to golaus betrothed, a girl named sky, that he wanted to marry her but they couldnt become close because golau might still come back. then it is revealed that ceffyl was actually THE most eligible bachelor in the clan this entire time, but had never married, presumably because he was waiting for sky. none of that had ever come up the second before this happened, and it happened in the last quarter of the book. 

this happened a few more times with other characters too, but i wont list them all. its a shame because the book is only 242 pages long and i see so many places where it could be beefed up. there are a lot of hunter characters and many of them are interchangeable too. it makes me wonder how much backstory there actually was that didnt get put in that could have made the book that much more compelling, and i already thought much of it was compelling! 

another problem i have is with the two main romances. both of them are between teenage girls and adult men. this immediately puts me on guard but both are very respectfully written.

 there are no ‘lust’ scenes that are so common in YA, which i am thankful for, for one thing. the first romance ive described already, between sky and ceffyl. after ceffyl reveals his feelings, there are no more scenes like that between them. i take this to mean that both of them act like adults and continue to work with each other without pursuing a relationship until golau comes back and releases sky from their betrothal. 

its never stated how old ceffyl is, but he is described as ‘young’ while golau is described as 25. sky is described as 17 at the start of the book but is likely 18 by the end. it could be that ceffyl is actually much closer to her in age than golau was, but before she came to like ceffyl, she had accepted her future marriage to golau, logiced out it would be a good match, and kissed him goodbye at the end of the book for ‘what could have been.’ the 8 year age gap was also commented on by another teenage girl in the book, so we know that this is not common even by whatever the standards of the time are. 

the other romance is between a 16 year old girl and a neanderthal hunter whose age is never commented on, though he takes on a full adult role and even leads his people as ‘senior male’ for a time. i dont think this title refers to age, but it would be strange for a teenager to take the lead over more experienced members, doesnt it? this plotline is similarly never grossly written and always thoughtful, but it just irks me that the girls are so young. 

i cant imagine anything about the story changing if they had just been bumped up in age by a few years. you could make the argument that girls mature faster than boys, but..... they shouldnt have to. is it really unrealistic for the average age of marriage for a woman to be early 20′s rather than mid to late teens? if so, sky could also be just a widow. golau’s first wife died from illness, shes mentioned in one sentence and never brought up again. 

idk.... it makes me uneasy..... but then again, so does all romance so what am i even talking about, right?

[hotshotshitshow]

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some  guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards 

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women 

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess

[skyybridge]

all the valentines asks. I wanna know how you love

what an ominous way to phrase that but i’ll take it. im only gonna answer the rest of the ones that havent been sent to me yet !

first date: describe your ideal first date. i don’t think i really have an ideal first date! I’m people pleaser so whatever the person i’m taking out wants, I imagine? i do like fun stuff where we can chat and do Things, so maybe not like a dinner or a movie or anything like that. hrm. dunno

first kiss: what’s the best way to be kissed?i don’t have a lot of experience in Being Kissed but i imagine real soft kisses late at night are the best

preference: sexuality? what’s your ‘type’?i’ve always liked redheads w freckles, and brown eyes, but as far as appearance or gender other than that, i cant say i have a preference

hand holding: do you like pda? uhhhh pda is kind of weird for me because i dont do well when other people are like, having a steamy makeout session near me, but hand holding and smooches and dumb cutesy stuff doesnt bother me (seeing it or doin it!)family: how important is your family’s approval of your s.o.?i think regardless of who i fall in love with my parents will always have disapproval towards them, so i... try not to care as much

doves: what’s the most romantic thing someone’s done for you?made me a handmade scrapbook of all our memories!love hearts: where were you when you met your crush?i cant remember zoinks

candy: favourite thing to eat on a date?spaghetti. u dont know a person truly until u see them eat spaghetti. and also spaghetti hits

roses: do you like picnic dates?YAAAA THOSE SOUND SO CUTE! giggle: what’s more important in an s.o.: intelligence or humour?anyone who can make me laugh has my heartlace: who looks best in your favourite colour?this question confuses me so i dont know

cupid: have you ever been set up? have you ever set anyone else up? how did it go?mmmm i dont think i have, nolovebirds: at what point in a relationship would you make it ‘public’?it’s hard to say.... i’m pretty bad with even knowing if someone likes me or not. my previous partner and i (knowingly) had mutual feelings for each other, but we didnt make it public until they were ready. i guess im just good to go whenever

love knots: would you like to forget the person you shared your first kiss with?mmmm my first “kiss” was with this dude in 5th grade so it doesnt count. my first kiss on a guy i really liked was in 9th grade, but we’re still friends to this day, so i’d never want to forget him!promise ring: who do you see yourself being with in two years?this is a hard question bc theres a lot of like “i hope” and “i know this is the reality”ballad: best love song?theres too many! vanilla twilight by owl city, dumb stuff by lany, just the way you are by billy joel.... aphrodite: how important are looks?not important at all. i can find love in just about anyone ahah. but with my feelings i see the beauty in ppl too, so i think just about anyone i care for as cute!harp: have you ever written a poem for a crush?YEAH i’m a terrible, terrible poet but ive written poems for every single person ive liked. they dont always see/know about them though. theyre like. secretred: where will you be spending february 14th?me houselove notes: who was your last valentine? where are they now?i’ve never had an official valentine before but the person i liked last year for valentines is probably currently wishing a girl was kissing her and collecting lost things like the funky little goblin she isflowers: what’s the best romantic gift to give someone?i think something handwritten just will always be... truly like.... the highest and most honest form of romance

st. valentine: what are your hopes for love this year?i already am so full of love and ive found people to give it to! im trying to make 2019 a good year and wearin my heart on my sleeve has been workin thus far

[moanbyul-yi]

k so @byulyi dared me to do all the flowers from this and my dumbass thought it was a great idea to accept the dare but my dumbass also fucked up and basically deleted the ask so here it is in a post lmao buckle up bitch!! (u really dont have to read it if u dont want its sm longer than i thought it would be) 

amaryllis - name an attribute of yourself that you are proud of. proud of my ability to find the shittiest and worst tv shows/movies and watch them religiously lmao

anemone - describe a time when you felt abandoned or betrayed by someone you loved. back in yr 8??9?? i had a super close friend (that i was also in love with but i didnt realise bc of compulsive heterosexuality) that randomly cut off ties with me and yike it sucked 

azalea - would you describe yourself as a patient person? in terms of simple things like waiting on a package no lmao but if its waiting for a person or smthn like ykno that deep shit then yeah 

begonia - describe anything you see as a “red flag” (something that makes you cautious about a new friend or love interest) straight up if theyre an asshole,, if they say something homophobic/racist/sexist etc just if theyre not accepting and nice to all people 

bird of paradise - do you like hosting parties, or do you prefer to just attend? i love hosting!!!!!!! i love making sure everyones havin a lit time and organising all the stuff 

bluebell - what keeps you humble? tbh idk how to answer this question just bc ig im not really in a position where i have stuff to flex so like i dont have a lot to be humble about ?? in terms of like achievements n shit 

chysanthemum - describe your idea of a perfect day.  this is kinda gay but honestly just a day i get to spend chilling with my girl whether we go out or just stay home and binge movies all day whatever it is,, just to have a chill day with her with no ‘you have to be doing this!!!!!!’ feeling 

spring crocus - describe your favourite childhood memory. the first one that comes to mind is me and my cousin when we were like 5yo running around the house with a cape on pretending we were superheroes

daffodil - how do you confess your feelings to someone you’re interested in? ive only done it twice, the first time was a complete Mess and the second time they initiated it so idk lol i wing it ig 

daisy - describe something that gives you hope when things seem bleak. honestly idk bc im the kinda person that just wallows in their sadboi but i guess something that helps is just talking to people esp my gf about whatever it is thats sucky

foxglove - when was the last time you told a lie? i told my parents i was going to the city for lunch with a friend today but i went to a dance class for love shot by exo lmao 

gardenia - have you ever had to keep a romance a secret? if so, why and for how long?  yeah bc we were both not out - had to keep it a secret from p much everyone other than a few friends the entire time we were tgt 

purple hyacinth - describe a time when you had to apologize to someone last year,, i had a fight(??) with my friend and yeah 

hydrangea - how much time do you spend on your appearance each day? not a lot i always look like a Mess 

white jasmine - what is something that never fails to make you laugh? !!!!!!!mamamoo !!!!!! 

lavender -  describe your oldest friendship, and why you think it has lasted so long. i have a primary sch friend and we’ve been friends sort of since kindy but properly for like 8 years???? its the kinda friendship where we dont have to talk often but we can hit each other up whenever and it isnt weird its just chill and gucci ( @akicchisano luv u binch no homo)

lilac - describe your first relationship or first love. yeet ok my first pROper rs?? lasted like a year and a half and it was a friend in high school,, uhh it was good while it lasted but im glad its over and i wouldnt go back lmao but it was definitely a learning experience 

calla lily - what traits do you find beautiful in others? in yourself? i guess imma be really typical and say kindness like the kindness in which u dont expect anything in return?? like the way people aim to make people happy and laugh and shit ykno (i just woke up soz this is terrible)

tiger lily - if you had to choose between doing what you love and making very little money, or doing a job you hate and making a lot of money, what would you choose and why? im assuming the very little money is still enough to get by?? but i would choose that just bc if i hated my job idk how long i would last in it but i dont think it would be very long at all. if i had people to provide for or something tho then definitely the second bc gotta get that dough for them 

lotus flower - would you say that you are a spiritual person? if so, what elements of spirituality are important to you? nah im not really  

magnolia - describe your favourite thing to do outdoors. probably just walking around ykno with nothing to do or maybe hiking?? sightseeing?? shit like that 

morning glory - are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection? very lmao if i like you romantically or platonically ill be v touchy and cuddly if u reciprocate it,, i also will give random gifts like stuff ive made or stuff that reminds me of that person just random small things 

pansy - what is the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for you? idk if this is the mOSt thoughtful bc i have bad memory but that one time the mvp @akicchisano bought me a smol christmas tree bc i kept talking about how i wanted one but couldnt find one that shit got me busting the phattest uwus

peony - describe the top three things necessary for a happy life.  a sugar daddy,, good food,, girls

petunia - what never fails to make you angry? when people borrow shit and dont put it back how they found it >:(

red poppy - what tips or tricks do you use to cheer yourself up when you’re down? i go for a drive (i cant drive so i make my brother lmao) or i watch smthn funny just get my mind off it somehow

red rose - describe your ideal date or romantic evening.  shit idk about ideal but itd be really nice to maybe get dinner and go star gazing like somewhere far where theres less light pollution and hella stars and then after that just coming home to binge movies and cuddle

yellow rose - do you get jealous easily? sO easily its terrible but most of the time i dont do anything about it

snowdrop - have you ever had a falling out with a friend or family member? not in such a way thats resulted in us not ever talking again 

sunflower - do you consider yourself a loyal person?  ye,, ya girl aint no hoe

sweet pea - describe a difficult goodbye you had to make to a friend or other loved one. probably saying bye to all my family bc they came to visit and having to send them off opened up some real emo hours :((((

violet - how important is loyalty in friendships and/or relationships? v important bc u gotta have someone to rely on but it should be loyalty and not blindly following 

wisteria - do you like poetry? if so, describe your favorite poem(s). yeah i kinda just like random poetry theres a lot from an insta acc called poeticpoison that i really like

zinnia - do you have any loved ones in your life that you miss and wish you could see?  yeahh my gorlfriend and all my family since they all live in different countries