#my housemate reminding me we will be 30 when there are new elections

[secretnameofeverydeath]

nightmarish waking up in a country where i had to explain to a turkish friend last night what this all meant, seeing her type out: now there are two countries that do not want me.

i try looking for silver linings but i am not finding them today. yes of course the left-wing party is second biggest but it does not mean anything, especially as it's basically the same amount of votes - the leftist group of voters has not grown, and the price is that we have lost the one antiracist & anticolonial party that is actively pro-palestine and not homophobic.

even 'oh but young people would have voted differently' while that's true, is still not all that hopeful. young people would have voted more fascists and also conspiracy theorists into the government.

and then the media trying to portray these elections in a semi-neutral way, as if politics is all laws of nature, as if their framings and attention do not mean anything - what a surprise some parties do not get votes when these parties are not even invited to debates nor ever discussed in any serious way. what a surprise when polls are presented as if they just happen, as if presenting them will not inadvertently influence the voters and their strategies.

you know i am an angry person most days when it comes to politics. i argue and i rant and i go to protests and shout. but my anger stems from a belief in change, an optimism things can become better, a frustration we are not working towards better. it stems from a hopeful part of myself.

but today i am tired, and very sad. i did not want to get out of bed. asking myself what then did i expect. that's... that there is dangerous, you know. that's looking at politics as if it's some natural phenomenon we all take no part in. it's cynisism. slipping into resignation. laughing because at least i have a job, or something. you can roll your eyes while accepting a status quo, but then you're still accepting the status quo.

this party is against everything i believe in. and it's not just this party - it's three of the four biggest parties. it's the parties that might actually form a coalition. i will give myself today to grieve. tomorrow i will get up and look for a fight.

[thepandemicinterviews]

Ally, September 30 2020, Sydney

I’m writing this six and a half weeks after my interview with my housemate Ally was conducted. It is a long November afternoon, and my head hurts, partly due to the names, numbers, and stories of lives that clutter my mind, and partly because I slammed my forehead against the edge of the desk at work. I think the only solution is meditation, but I’m waiting to begin a yoga class so I don’t fuck it up. 

The reason for this long gap in time between my last interview and this one is very simple: transcribing takes time and love and focus. I didn’t interview Ally for a while after she was nominated by Issy because I had just started a new job, on top of my other two. I was working long days, five days a week, and trying to squeeze in my other random admin job on the train or on my lunch breaks. Then, in October, I was entangled in a different kind of chaos: a matter of the heart. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. Now, to sit here in the eleventh month, writing this self-involved introduction at the best time of the day (6:30pm), fuelled by kombucha and tacos, I don’t know what’s next. 

Unlike the earlier months of this pandemic, our understandings of our current reality seem more grounded in our selves, rather than regurgitated from ever-changing news articles and norms within our social groups. The slow burn of the US election results. The lethargy of having lived through this year. 

A week later: I had my yoga class yesterday and at the end we lay down in the dark. It is a useful exercise to simply witness where your mind goes when there is nothing forcing it in any particular direction. I wish I could formulate a few sentences here to fit all the matter in my (and the social) psyche together like a jigsaw puzzle. I want to write about the tankies I encountered at a party, who, poker-faced, said that Biden was just as bad as Trump, if not worse for the “movement”. I want to write about how relieved I am that he’s not, obviously. I want to write about how stuttered conversation can be, how easily a few words can become fragmented from a larger sentiment. How the obvious to the speaker can be so deeply unknowable to the receiver. 

Maybe I will one day. But for today, I’ll let Ally’s insights speak loudly below. I admire Ally a lot, in all of her disparate interests and careful ambition. She reminds us to be grateful for our support systems, our communities, and also for ourselves. To turn inward and investigate what we believe in and why we do, and to take comfort in our self-concept.

C: At the beginning of 2020, how did you think the year would go?

A: At the beginning of 2020, I’d been on a full-time contract for the first time in my life for a couple of months, had a stable job, a stable relationship, a stable house. I don’t think I necessarily had expectations, but I think like every year you kind of expect it to be – things will shift a little bit and you’ll expect that that’s going to be the year that you have a bit more time to get your life together or clarify what you want to be doing, blah blah blah. But I think at the start of 2020 I thought it was going to be quite unremarkable. Like I think I kind of expected maybe some slow internal shifts towards… I don’t know, yeah. It feels like my sense of time’s so warped now, I don’t even know. I can’t imagine myself in space at the beginning of the year because it’s felt like such a non-linear year. I think it’s all just scrambled up in a big knot.

C: What was your full-time job?

A: At the gallery, the commercial gallery selling paintings to rich people. Actually I think it would have been at the beginning of the year that I sold a painting for more than my salary for the year. Like on my own. Just like it was no big deal, but I was like, oh, you’re putting this on your wall but that’s more than I earn in an entire year before tax, so. I think that was maybe a bit of a moment of I’m probably not really going to be valued in this space. Or like I can’t be the person that I need to be to be valued in that space maybe. 

C: Did that make you re-evaluate your place in the art world?

A: Yeah, I mean to be honest I’d only really sort of worked in a very specific part of it. And I knew that there was more out there, but I think prior to that I always thought it was something that I would do for a while and learn a lot from and then move into something that was more me. And I don’t think I ever – I think I always thought that commercial art wasn’t something I’d do forever. 

C: Then you went on JobSeeker?

A: I went on JobSeeker, yep. 

C: And how was that?

A: Well, I had been on Youth Allowance while I was studying so I didn’t have to go and wait in line. But I did spend a few hours on hold with Centrelink for them to hang up, that old chestnut. Like I think it’s been a tough time for a lot of people, but I think in a way I kind of needed that break to recalibrate and it took a lot of pressure off to do other things. The whole world was kind of in disarray so I didn’t have that internal pressure to do this or that.

C: What did you do with your time?

A: I spent a lot of time in the house. Baked a bit of sourdough. But I swear I’d been doing it years earlier as well [laughs]. I started off being like, yeah, exercising! So good! Cooking, woo! And then by maybe two weeks later, I was just watching way too much TV. I did take the time to think about a lot of things. There was a lot of time on my own just in my own head, which is obviously a good and a bad thing. 

C: When it’s imposed on you, I guess you don’t really have a choice.

A: Yeah, and in the end it was a good opportunity to reflect on where I was and where I wanted to be and what was fulfilling me and what wasn’t. What my own values were and how I wanted to express that in what I was doing. I don’t know, it did turn out to be what I needed but under not ideal circumstances, obviously. Like you don’t want your own epiphanies to come at the expense of obviously millions of people suffering. So correlating those things makes it sound really selfish, but in terms of just the time, or my very internal experience of it, it felt like an important time for me to slow down and reflect. And I think I was having a lot of conversations to that point too, with my housemates, and with my boyfriend, and just with people I was talking to. So I guess internally and externally, just working through a lot of ideas that maybe I hadn���t completely put into words, or hadn’t explored fully in my mind. 

C: Do you feel like you’ve acted on those feelings, those ideas?

A: Yeah, I think I actually have, which is unusual for me. But yeah, I was studying a bit, which was difficult, but I learnt a lot in that process. About myself as much as I did about the content that I’m studying. I started volunteering and that was the best thing. And that really reinforced what I do really enjoy and what I feel fulfilled by or engaged with or want to be engaged with. And then I guess too, as a lot of us do, I think I put a lot of pressure on myself so doing that in a volunteer capacity rather than working, it’s a nice way to explore that. I guess I was contributing without letting someone down who was paying me, or having to be this or that. I could just be there, and be present, and really enjoy the experience and get a lot from it, and hopefully contribute a little bit as well. And I think just reconnecting with community as well – that got in the works when we were still a little bit locked down I think. But when I started, we were still pretty restricted but there were a few things going on. So I think after that period of hibernation, it was nice to be involved in a community and work towards something with people. And I think I underrated the importance of community. It’s not something I’ve explicitly sought before. I think I realised it’s more important than I maybe give it credit for.

C: How did you feel with all the restrictions? Did you feel like you missed out on normal life, did you miss seeing people in person?

A: Not really, which is kind of bad [laughs]. No, it’s not good or bad. When it was really restricted, that was a little bit difficult. But as soon as we could have like two people over, I was happy. I was super happy just being at home and then being able to have two people over for dinner. That was fine. I don’t really miss going out that much. I was saying to someone the other day, I can have a good dance once every six months and I’d be happy. I don’t know, it was almost like there was a sense of relief not having social obligations.

C: In terms of making art, were you doing much of that before Covid?

A: I think I gave up my studio a couple months before. Maybe even a month or less. So strange timing, but I had started working full-time, so I didn’t really have time to go to my studio and I was paying rent on it. I had a grand idea to turn my shed into a studio and got as far as painting the walls white and then kind of left it. So, I don’t know, I was kind of slowing down anyway and I think I was quite hard on myself for not using that as an opportunity to make art. 

C: Just from external influences, like people saying…?

A: No, I think myself. I think I was kind of like, if not now, when? And in a sense, being an artist is so much time on your own, isolated in the studio. Your work doesn’t require necessarily many interactions. And then I was seeing all this stuff, like, artists have been practising for a pandemic their whole lives, or whatever. Which is kind of true to an extent, but I just couldn’t get in the headspace. I couldn’t get past that first step. I whipped out one painting for my friend’s birthday, even though I owed her another painting for something else completely. And I made a couple pinch pots but. I was quite disappointed in myself for not making more. 

C: How do you feel about it now?

A: I don’t know, I feel like I have more of an understanding that being completely self-directed isn’t me, like I need a bit of structure. And I think the environment of Covid and isolation, it was kind of the opposite of that. I wasn’t working, I wasn’t seeing people, I wasn’t seeing art. I didn’t even have a daily routine or any sense of days or weeks passing. So trying to fit in any sort of practice or productive activity when my sense of time was so warped and I had no sort of bearings on the day. I think that’s okay. I think now, it’s alright, but at the time I put a lot of pressure on myself and felt a lot of guilt for not utilising the skills and the materials and the education that I had to sort of make it work for me. 

C: Do you think you’ll go back to it?

A: Yeah. Well, I have a weird strange theory that I kind of stand by that I always have a bit of a hibernation period and this period of self-doubt, and I get quite productive in spring. Like I think I’m a bit of a cyclical artist. I don’t know if that’s even a thing. But I’ve just decided it is for me. So I often have a bit of energy at the beginning of the year, and then I have this period of like, what am I doing, self-doubt, not doing much, freaking out, thinking a lot. I feel like in winter, I just think so much but I don’t really do, and then often, I find that in spring, I get kind of a burst of energy and a burst of growth and whip stuff up, so hopefully it’ll be the same. I’m like semi-committed to something, so I just need to hold myself accountable now.

C: It’s in print [laughs]. It will be. We’ll all be holding you accountable.

A: But I feel a lot more inspired than I have in a while and I feel like I have a lot more energy to make things and I have ideas and I have plans.

C: Can you give us an inkling of what these ideas look like or what images come to mind? And is it related to this intense hibernation period?

A: I feel like it probably will be. I haven’t really thought about it like that at this period. Usually my process is to go out and do a bunch of studies. I think a lot of my practice is about me in nature and how I relate to the space that I’m in. So I think that in some way it will probably affect that, not necessarily in an explicit way. I don’t know, it’ll be interesting to see if that’s something that people pick up on, or I even pick up on. But I think at this stage I just want to go to some places with materials and just spend a few days just drawing and painting lots of studies.

C: In nature?

A: Yeah. And maybe then interpret them once I get them back out of that setting, and sit back and see what they mean to me, and make a bit more of a body of work from that. It’ll be interesting to do some self-portraits at the moment too though, which isn’t really my thing. But I think it’s always an interesting exercise every so often. To see how you interpret yourself. It’d be quite an interesting moment in time.

C: Do you think you’ve changed a lot internally throughout the year?

A: I think a bit, yeah. I think I’m fundamentally the same person, but I think I’m a bit more confident about how I feel about certain things. I think I’ve just spent so much time with myself. I really investigate on my own why I think or feel certain ways about certain things. So I think as much as I have maybe more self-doubt in certain areas, I think I’ve kind of changed in that I know…

C: You’re more certain about your self-doubts?

A: Yeah, exactly, and about who I am and who I am not. 

C: Yes.

A: And that’s kind of nice and comforting. Maybe that’s just the thing about getting older as well. It’s probably both.

C: We’ve all aged a lot this year.

A: I know. I’ve started getting two-day hangovers.

C: Do you have any thoughts about how the pandemic has affected the world in general? Or what 2021 might look like?

A: Well, I mean the debate in the US was on tonight, so the next few weeks could really impact what 2021 looks like. But I feel like it’s scraped off a layer of bullshit and brought a lot of stuff to the surface that needed to be addressed for a really long time. In so many countries and so many areas, like public health and global health and politics and the environment and our relationships with ourselves and each other. I don’t know, I feel like a lot of stuff that’s been simmering for a really long time, and that people have been telling us is really important to address for a really long time – like it feels like we’re at a point where we can’t really be wilfully ignorant anymore, or just refusing to engage doesn’t really seem like an option. I don’t really know how to express it, but it feels like it’s a perfect storm and not really in a good way, but I think we can just only be – I want to be optimistic that the outcomes will move us forward. 

C: I think a lot of that was echoed in what Erol said about the pandemic kind of taking things to a logical extreme of what was already happening in the world. Seeing it all play out and highlighting all the inequalities.

A: It’s funny, when you were talking about that just then – I always feel like I’ve got a visual montage going through my head of all these news clips. I feel like there’s visuals associated with the pandemic because so much of it comes through that visual culture. I’m seeing like protests, and snippets of Trump, and snippets of Scomo, and protests. It feels like there’s a reel just spinning so fast and I’ve got this visual of all this information.

C: Accelerating. What do you think you’ll remember the most when you look back on this year? What are the happy memories so far?

A: No, there’s been lots. I feel like I just had some really interesting genuine conversations with people. I feel like that kind of no bullshit thing has extended a little bit to personal interactions. And just being in the garden, and eating nice food with friends.

C: Focusing on the simple things.

A: Yeah, the simple things. Reading a really good book or watching a movie. I guess they’re the things that can happen any year.

C: But it feels more profound because of the shit that’s going on.

A: Gratitude’s maybe an overused word, but I feel like I’ve had the space to really see how lucky I am and be really grateful for the circumstances that I’ve been able to find myself in. I feel like that’s all come together a lot this year, on a very macro and micro level, which has been humbling and important to remember every so often. 

C: Is that linked to just living in Australia and how it’s played out here compared to everywhere else?

A: Yeah, completely. Even like my mum works in a public hospital and it’s been really full on for her. If she was in Italy or the UK or the States or China or so many other places, she would be having such a tough time, I would be so worried. Just that fear for loved ones and family and friends and the unknown. So yeah, living in Australia with the health systems that we have and the support networks that I’ve got as well. And I think the new job I’ve started doing and the volunteer work I’ve been doing has maybe given me some perspective on how that experience might be if I didn’t have the support that I do, or the stability and safety that I do have. So that’s really humbling as well. 

C: So you want to get into medicine – is that something that was reinforced this year watching the pandemic play out?

A: It was something I thought about in high school, and then I thought, no, it’s just only the ultra-elite. It felt like people like me don’t achieve that. It’s people who thought they were going to do it since they were six and had tutoring and they’ve got all the connections and go to the private schools or whatever. I think I just had an idea in my head about what it would entail. I don’t know, it just didn’t seem achievable. But then I kind of knew some people who were doctors and I was like, oh, they can do it, they’re real people. And then I started reflecting on the fact that actually having real people is really valuable. So the last year, maybe longer, I’ve been thinking about it more seriously, but then keep freaking myself out and being scared of failure. But then when I lost my job, I was like, well, if not now, when? So I was doing lots of studying also when I was locked down. I think there was a sense of like, I wish I had the skills to contribute and the training and the qualifications to be a part of that response. And I did find it a little bit frustrating when I was looking for jobs, looking for volunteer roles in the middle of lockdown and obviously they needed people with certain skillsets. Wanting to help but not quite having the right qualifications to do anything so just having to sit back and wait. 

C: Do you feel quite certain about where you want to be?

A: I don’t know, I’m looking at a few things. Like I’ve also applied for midwifery, thinking about applying for social work as well. So I’m not too rigid about it. I think it would be really interesting. And I think like you said about psychology, doing it for the people that can’t do it. It’s that idea. It’s not an easy thing. And if you do have that opportunity, being that person who is compassionate and hasn’t taken the most conventional path to get there and maybe has a bit more space for people who don’t fit the mould. Having a bit of space and compassion and empathy because you didn’t necessarily think initially that you were the person who could do that and then realising that you can and then actually being that person could be really valuable to a lot of people. 

C: Speaking of space, I guess Covid has, as you said earlier, given a lot of people the space to reflect and recalibrate. Do you think that’s true of a lot of people you know? You said you had good conversations with a lot of people. Do you think you’ve become closer with people as a result?

A: In terms of other people having the space to recalibrate, or consider where they’re at or where they want to be, I think it’s gone both ways. I know a few people who have thought about or decided to start studying again. It seems like people have either had way too much time, lost their jobs, or their circumstances have changed so much that they have a surplus of time, and then there’s the people who’ve just gotten more busy and they haven’t had time to think about things. They’re just going, but more so, and they’ve got less delineation between work and sleep and study. I’ve got friends who’ve been writing a thesis and working from home and sleeping in the same room and haven’t had time to kind of think about anything. It’s just been go-go-go. So I think it’s gone both ways with the people that I know. But I don’t think anyone’s really been entirely the same. I think for very few people it’s just changed nothing. I think a lot of people have kind of been like, fuck capitalism, I’ve been working too hard. Like what’s it all for. I don’t know. 

C: Definitely, fuck capitalism. 

A: I’ve had a lot of those conversations about capitalism, abolish the police, defund them. 

C: The role of the police has become more and more in the mainstream.

A: Yeah, because it’s not something – I’m not necessarily proud of it, but it’s not something that I had thought that much about, or had really needed to think that much about. So it’s something I’ve learnt a lot about recently. But I don’t know, to me it makes a lot of sense to fund holistic support systems that would address those things before they became matters that are being addressed by the police. Anyway, it’s a whole thing. 

C: Yeah, and I think that’s been a thing that’s been particularly highlighted this year.

A: Well, there’s been such a big crossover with Black Lives Matter and the coronavirus and the police response. And the health and justice outcomes are just so disparate, like they’re so different. 

C: But they could all be addressed by the same kind of approach, which is idealistic and difficult to get to. But it feels like it’s all linked. 

A: It seems like we can’t really go back to how things have always been because when has that worked for us? It works for a few people, but it doesn’t work. I keep thinking about the book I just finished reading actually, it seems very relevant.

C: What did you read?

A: Intimations, by Zadie Smith. 

C: What happened in it?

A: Six essays that she wrote in the first six months of this year, from New York and then London. 

C: During the pandemic?

A: Yeah, about the pandemic and racial inequality and politics and stuff. Just really personal. I feel like reading that book felt like it was a lot of this year. Like it really captured a lot of what this year’s been but from a very personal… I mean, she’s a great writer. She’s a beautiful writer too, so that helps. It’s just such a thin book and I feel like I just keep coming back to that and being like, yes, that’s what this year was. 

C: Did it recently get published?

A: Yeah, really recently. It came out in the past month maybe. So it hasn’t had that really long editing process or anything. It’s just like, she wrote it when it was happening and it’s still happening, this is what it is. 

C: I find it so interesting seeing pieces of – any kind of book or media, artefact, that happened this year, and like we’re still going through it. 

A: It’s so interesting reading it now, but I think it will be so interesting reading it in like five or ten years time, reading it anytime in the future, after reading it when it’s happening and seeing how that makes me feel as well. 

C: Just looking back on this whole period with Trump. Like it couldn’t have gone any other way. Just feels like this year was created for the future to look back on, as like a historical textbook.

A: Like, yes, that really happened. 

C: And there was that debate on September 30, which commentators on Twitter described as a shitshow or a circus, and then people who worked in the circus were like, that’s offensive to us [laughs]. Just an absurd year, but do we continue on this train of absurdity, or? 

A: I hope not. 

C: I mean, it depends on how the election goes. 

A: He still has so much power. 

C: It’s fucked that we care so much here in Australia. 

A: It affects everyone which is so wild and ridiculous, but it’s the way it is. 

C: It’s just like this TV show playing out. 

A: I know. And you can be in such a bubble where you feel like so much of the world agrees with you, and then you realise no, not even a little bit. Like we’re just reinforcing our own ideas but it’s not going to change that much necessarily, anytime soon. 

C: Like accepting, understanding how fucked the world is isn’t necessarily going to do anything.

A: Yeah, but there’s not like a clear path to take that will do something. I don’t know. 

C: It feels everyone is becoming more and more segregated and you know, the right are getting more and more into their conspiracy theories.

A: Oh my gosh, until really recently, so QAnon – obviously, big thing. I had just seen the headlines, not really looked into it, kept seeing it in headlines more and more often. Anyway, I totally thought everyone was talking about Qanda! 

C: What’s Qanda? 

A: Like, Q+A? So you know, when people are watching Q+A on the ABC? And they tweet like Qanda, Q and A? 

C: Ohh! 

A: So I totally misread QAnon as Q+A, and thought everyone was getting disgusted at the ABC! I was like, Hamish Macdonald has really got the conversation going. Oh my gosh, and then I finally figured it out, I was like no, QAnon’s been a really big thing for the last like two weeks. Very different. Very misguided. 

C: I got into this Facebook hole of like – only like two people who were really against the ABC. There’s a whole world out there and it’s so exacerbated by Facebook. 

A: Totally, and that feminist episode of Q+A that got taken down. I remember watching that and then I heard the next day that it had been taken down. 

C: I don’t know what happened. Was it controversial, or?

A: Yeah, a bit. But it was great. Lots of fuck the patriarchy, fuck capitalism, abolish the police. So obviously people were like, not on my ABC! But I mean that was good, and they give so much airtime to people who lean towards the right, or have pretty problematic and harmful views. It felt a bit ridiculous that people couldn’t handle that whether they agree or not. 

C: A lot of people can’t handle what they don’t agree with. And that’s like the rhetoric that the right says about the left, but it’s really the other way round. 

A: I think about that sometimes. How much can I accept things that I don’t agree with?

C: I guess the way I see things is just people haven’t had the education to think about things critically. 

A: I think so, but then sometimes I’m like why do I think I’m better, why do I think my education entitles me to be that critical thinker who’s correct. But then you can’t move forward with anything.

C: Like what’s the ideal world. 

A: Tricky. I’m sure there are lots of people with much better answers to that.

C: I feel like this past month I’ve barely thought about Covid. It’s become less and less of a thing in my mind to care about or worry about. And it does feel like surely things won’t get worse from here. How have you been feeling about it recently?

A: I don’t know. I feel like we’ve adjusted and we’ve gone through that period. Like in a broad sense, we’re grieving all those things that we can’t have or we’re adjusting to this huge change and now it’s back to a bit more normal, and it feels like we’ve gone through that acute period. But I feel like it’s really not over. Like in so many countries, it’s ramping up, the death rate and the infection rate are higher. I think some of the milestones in terms of positive cases and deaths and everything are increasing more than they were at the beginning of the pandemic. I think the UK the other day had the most positive cases that they’ve had since it started. But in saying that, I guess it was very hard to get a test early on so those numbers maybe aren’t indicative of who’s actually been affected. I don’t know, it feels like there’s these two coexisting realities of like, it’s moving on and we’re coming out the other side, but then also like, slightly out of sound and out of mind, it’s really not. And that could hit us anytime because at the end of the day, we can put a lot of measures in place but it is a virus and it doesn’t discriminate in terms of who it affects. 

C: And how we feel about it. 

A: Yeah, exactly. If it’s in the community and it gets to a certain point, it is what it is. And it’s kind of bigger than all of us. And it’s not this visible thing that we can wage a war on. It’s kind of just there. So I feel like there’s these two coexisting realities and like, theoretically in all of these places it’s getting worse, and certain numbers are increasing, and certain milestones are being passed, but at the same time, it feels like the opposite’s happening here. And that’s what our day to day experience is. So it’s kind of hard to – what’s the word I’m thinking of?

C: Reconcile?

A: Yeah, reconcile the two things. 

C: Yeah. I think a lot of how I’ve been feeling – maybe people in general here – is because of the big dramatic increase in cases in Melbourne and then quite a dramatic fall, and that kind of reassuring everyone that it’s all okay in Australia, and will be soon. Christmas is coming, you know.

A: Yeah, but then is there going to be another spike after Christmas and New Years, when people are moving around and seeing everyone and in the shops. Wanting to do social things. And for Melbourne to get where it is now – they’ve been in a very serious lockdown for a long time. And there’s no reason why – I mean, obviously aside from restrictions and measures and hotel quarantine and all of those things, but if the virus gets out into the community, there’s no reason why the same couldn’t happen again. From my understanding at least. 

C: Yeah, definitely. 

A: And there’s so much we don’t know too. Like we don’t know how long people will be immune to it for, or how much it’ll mutate, or even what the long-term effects are. So it seems like it’s kind of out of sight and out of mind for now, but it’s also this thing that doesn’t seem entirely real but is kind of an ever-present threat. But then I think, I don’t know, is that just the way our brains work? Like to compartmentalise it or… I don’t know. 

C: There’s no way of accessing the reality. 

A: Yeah, especially if you’re not – if you’re removed from the extent of it. 

C: I think most people in Sydney have been lucky enough to be removed from the real life effects. 

A: Yeah, like we’re not in the health system, we’re not in a hotspot, I don’t think we know anyone who’s died from it. It’s so different in other places. It’s going to be super interesting reflecting on this period. I wonder if I’ll remember how I thought and felt about everything. What is going to be remembered, what’ll stand out. 

C: What do you think you’ve learnt the most from this period?

A: I think it’s kind of self-indulgent, but I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself from spending a lot of time with myself. And I think that’s an important thing to grow and move forward. 

C: What’s the main thing you’ve learnt about myself?

A: I don’t know if that’s something I even have words for. 

C: Maybe an image.

A: I’ve got abstract thoughts but I don’t necessarily have the – I don’t know what words they would make. 

C: What’s the first thing that comes to mind?

A: Like who I am, I don’t know. I think I’ve just sat with myself and I know – I think as a lot of us do, I’ve equated who I am and a lot of my identity with a lot of external things like what I’m doing for work, what I’m making creatively, where I’m living, all of those kind of actions or behaviours. But I think I’ve become more comfortable in my identity independent of what I’m doing. 

C: The inexpressible. The intangible. 

A: Yeah, it’s super internal. Like how I think and feel about certain things. I don’t think it’s like an epiphany or a revelation. Those things have always been there but I think they’ve become more dominant to how I see myself and who I think I am. As opposed to what my job is, or what I’m working towards right now. Like in saying that, those things still obviously matter, but I think there’s been more of a shift from needing that external validation to being a bit more comfortable in how I feel and what I think and who I am and how I comprehend the world. Finding value in that. 

[arynchris]

Omaha city primaries are today.  I found out late last night (when I was too tired to research), but I got a little time at lunch, so did what I could.  Here’s a taste of what’s typical in a local election, for those who’ve never voted at the local level:

Our mayor and district representatives (city council) are up for re-election in May.  They serve for 4 years each.  The primaries are like federal primaries-- we are voting to see who appears on the May ballot, not who gets the office.  Omaha primaries are nonpartisan (which I believe is unusual!), so you aren’t voting for your political party’s candidate, you’re just voting out of all the people running.

I don’t know what to say about our mayor or the people running against her, so let’s focus on city council.  There are 7 districts in the city of Omaha; this year is different because the city has been expanding westward, so the districts have been redrawn to be bigger.  I haven’t found a lot of information on that, but I’m concerned, because gerrymandering is a big problem in the state of Nebraska (as it is everywhere in the U.S.).  Gerrymandering is why all of our state’s electoral votes went to Trump last November, instead of 4 to Trump and 1 to Hillary, like how we gave 1 vote to Obama years ago.  Nebraska is very visibly divided in politics, economics, and culture between the people in Omaha and Lincoln (cities) and the rest of the state (rural).  The redrawn city districts are expected to increase the Republican (conservative) vote in Omaha, which is no surprise if we’re annexing recently-rural areas, but I’m concerned that gerrymandering may be happening again... especially because I can’t find any information about the new map, which would make it clear very quickly whether gerrymandering was going on or not.

Primaries are only held if there are more than 2 people running for an office.  If there are only 1 or 2, those 1-2 are automatically on the May ballot, so they aren’t voted for in the primaries.  This applies to Omaha city districts 5 (current aka incumbent council member has no opponent), 6 (incumbent is retiring, only 2 people interested in his job), and 7 (incumbent has 1 opponent).  Those districts are only voting in the mayoral primary today.

District 1 has an incumbent and 2 opponents:  a retired railroad worker (his 10th attempt to get public office) and a university student.

District 2 has an incumbent and 6 opponents:  a graphic designer, a daycare owner, a technical writer (who also ran for an office last November, her big thing is legalizing medical marijuana and using taxes on it to pay for things), a social worker, a hospital helicopter dispatcher, and a high school student.

District 3 has an incumbent and 3 opponents:  a guy who just moved to Nebraska, a marijuana advocate, an “activist,” and a “communications specialist.”  I have never seen a more dubious and vague list of descriptors.  It’s not even clear whether the marijuana advocate wants all cannibis to be legal, or just medicinal.  Fortunately, I’m not asked to vote in District 3.

I’m in District 4.  District 4′s current councilman is retiring, and we have 4 people interested in the job:  a white guy who has been involved in politics for years but has never run for office himself (he worked for the senator I voted for in November, and word from my housemates’-cousin’s-son-who-works-in-the-mayor’s-office is that he’s worth voting for), a white guy with two small businesses who is currently on the district school board simply because no one wanted it (so he knew he could get it easily), a Hispanic woman who unfortunately reminds me of this video (7:05 and 30:35), and a social worker who is running as a “write-in” aka someone whose name you can write in the blank space on your ballot (because she messed up on the application paperwork).

White guy #1 wants to improve the roads instead of give random tax breaks-- which is very important, since there’s a moron in our local government who thinks that the way to solve our bad city roads is to REPLACE THEM WITH DIRT ROADS in residential zones.  White guy #2 wants to improve both the roads and public parks, which is great, but I see that one of his businesses involves this stuff and am uncertain whether that is something which gives him greater expertise or something that creates a conflict of interest.  Woman #1 grew up in Omaha and has heavy community involvement and environmental interest, and spends a lot of time trying to keep kids out of gangs and clean up neighborhoods, but I just don’t trust someone who states that we should trust her on the grounds that everyone else already does.  Woman #2 wants to work on unemployment in key neighborhoods, which her job certain qualifies her to know a lot about, but if she can’t figure out how notaries work, she sure as hell isn’t going to figure out unemployment.

I ended up voting for white guy #1 as my city councilman.  I was really stoked about voting for the Hispanic woman... until I read the quotes from her.  I might have voted for white guy #2, except that the more I thought about it, the more I wondered why he took so long to get into politics if city council really is his “dream job,” and why he only chose to run for school board "because no one was interested”--aka he had no competition.  I didn’t vote for the social worker because I just don’t imagine she’d be effective in office.  White guy #1... well, it’s less about his political experience and more that I just didn’t find anything bad about him.  It’s difficult to find information on people running in smaller elections like this, but “nothing bad” is good start.

We’ll find out tomorrow night who made it through the city primaries.