#my homocidal thoughts are getting worse

[smartpolishperson]

call me ticci toby cause im going to kill my fucking dad

[undead-discourse]

genuinely have to wonder what these people who are so staunchly anti non-offending paraphiles want to happen to said paraphiles. like... what, do you want them to be killed for their thoughts they cant control? you think they deserve to die because theyre mentally ill? do people with homocidal intrusive thoughts deserve to die too, for an act they have not and likely will never commit? i hate to break it to you, but paraphilias are way more common than you think, and the people who have them are humans just like you. some of them seemingly come from nowhere, but a lot of them stem from trauma, which yall dont like to think about because it reminds you that if things just went a little differently, you couldve ended up like the inhuman, irredeemable monsters you advocate for the murder of. either way, its literally not something that the paraphile can control. fundamentally its unlikely any of them will ever be able to shirk their attractions. they can, however, just like you, control their actions. they are people with mental illnesses so stigmatized that its socially acceptable to publicly call for their slaughter. if you fancy yourself someone who thinks that people can be reformed and rehabilitated, someone who identifies as a prison abolishionist or an anarchist, you cannot also advocate for the involuntary killing of people with mental disorders. and you cannot perpetuate this culture of shame and fear and hostility, because all it does is push paraphiles who desperately need help further into isolation, away from the help that they need, and closer to actually offending. if someone is outed as a paraphile, their entire life is ruined. all of their connections are severed. theyre met with constant active hostility for something they never asked for and something they cannot control. so why, then, would a paraphile ever feel comfortable asking for help? how could they ever feel like they can reach out to a professional or even just to their friends and family when the risk is so high? when theyre told that theyre going to hurt people no matter what anyway?

full disclosure, im a paraphile. i wont specify anything beyond that. but for the longest time i really did feel like an irredeemable monster who was doomed to hurt others, that it was only a matter of time. that mindset, unsurprisingly, is not very conducive to recovery. it was only when i found other paraphiles online, learned i wasnt alone, that i didnt have to feel like the only option was death, that i finally felt like i could take control of myself. the isolation was the biggest hindrance to that. feeling like i was entirely alone in the world aside from people who had committed heinous acts, because the paraphiles who havent obviously cant talk about it. except they do, in small corners of the internet, where they still face incredible harassment and shame. still, knowing i was in the company of good people and knowing that my attraction wasnt some conscious choice on my part that made me into an inherent monster helped majorly. i didnt choose to grow up in the environment that i did. i didnt choose what i was exposed to as a kid. i didnt choose how any of that would affect me. i didnt choose to be a paraphile. but i am choosing to be a good person despite it, and im choosing to let other paraphiles know that they can do the same. i know there are some reading this. youre not alone, you can get help, and you can choose to be a fantastic person. youre not doomed. you dont have to die to keep others safe.

to summarize: paraphiles are human beings with mental illnesses just like many of you. and just like you, they need help and support, but its incredibly difficult to get that when the public opinion on them is generally "you deserve to die no matter what." we are incredibly common. you probably know a paraphile. and if that deeply upsets you on a moral level, i hope you know thats the reason why paraphiles hide it and just get worse and worse.

paraphiles are always going to be here no matter how hard you wish they were all dead. thats just a fact. so you can keep making graphic threats against mentally ill people, literally only causing further harm to them and to others, or you can show compassion and a genuine desire to see things get better by at the very least not perpetuating obvious anti-recovery, pro capital punishment, pro thought crime propaganda.

.

[dangraccoon]

Jari'eyc - Chapter 11

Read on AO3

Word Count: 1973

Warnings: fugue state kinda?, war and fight flashbacks, injuries, homocide (justified), Wrecker is dyslexic, misunderstanding feelings, intense pain from injury, medical procedures (administering pain stim), implied spiciness

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“Jaine.”

The ground was a very uncomfortable place to be, Jaine discovered. Her head was spinning. 

“Jaine?” a voice called, just ahead of her. “Jaine, you have to get up!”

“I- I’m up,” she mumbled as she pushed herself up to her hands and knees. Waves of ache rolled through her body.

“We have to move,” the voice hissed. She knew that voice, didn’t she?

Vaguely, she could feel someone pulling her up by her arm. Her eyes wouldn’t focus.

“What-”

“We’re getting out of this shithole,” he spat, eyes shifting around the landscape. Slowly, she could hear the sound of blaster fire and explosions in the distance. 

“My side,” she whimpered, pressing her hand to it. 

“That one’s just a graze,” he confirmed, slinging her arm over his shoulders, effortlessly supporting her weight despite his own limp. “Your real trouble is in your leg.”

“We have to- to get out of here.”

He nodded. “We’re about a klick from the rendezvous point. The rest of Ghost Company is waiting for us just over that ridge.”

“C-Cody,” she said. 

“Don’t even think about it, Jaine,” he grunted as he pulled her along. “I’m not leaving you here.”

“Cody-”

“No.”

“Jaine.”

“Commander!”

“What?” she muttered, the feeling of her old friend at her side flickering like a holo with a spotty signal. 

“Commander, are you alright?” 

Jaine blinked and she was on the ground again. She wasn’t on that stars-forsaken desert moon she couldn’t remember the name of. Cody wasn’t the clone kneeling in front of her.

“Sig, get the medpack,” Fluke called. He pushed her gently back into a sitting position as she attempted to get up. “Easy, Commander. Need you to stay put. It didn’t knick anything too important, but I can’t have you passing out on my watch.”

“Fluke, I-I’m alright,” she lied. The pain in her side was growing stronger. Oh right, she thought. That insurgent with the knife.

Fluke scoffed. “Sure, Commander, and I’m the Queen of Naboo.”

Sig arrived with the medpack and Fluke set to work, irrigating the wound. It stung like hell. 

“I can patch you up here, Commander, but you’re gonna need stitches.”

“Fluke, I thought I told you to just call me Jaine,” she huffed out.

“You did, Commander,” he retorted with a smirk.

“You’re a pain in the ass.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Wake up, Jaine.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her power suppressing cuffs.

“Commander Jaine Vale, you have been tried for the murder of an Imperial officer and found guilty. ” the Admiral stated, his voice even.

Jaine could feel her blood boiling and bile rising in her throat. “He deserved worse,” she spat.

“Sir, the subject is unresponsive.”

Jaine kept her head down as she was repeatedly ordered.

“Commander?” a voice said next to her as she boarded the prison transport. She recognized his mess of curls and the scar that crossed the bridge of his nose and tops of his cheeks, as well as the buzzed red hair of the clone next to him.

She hazarded a glance. “Fluke? Sig? Why are you here?”

“Guess the higher ups don’t take too kindly to those trying to wake up their vode,” Fluke chuckled.

“Quiet, clone,” hissed one of the stormtroopers as he jabbed Fluke with the end of his rifle.

The three prisoners shared a look of annoyance, all finding comfort in being together.

“Did she die again?” Hemlock asked, his voice seeming disinterested.

Karr shook her head, turning her datapad for him to see. “No, sir. Her vitals and brain activity are normal.”

“Have her eyes been open the whole time?”

“No, that began about two minutes ago.”

Hemlock shone a bright light in her eyes. “Her pupils are reacting normally. Heart rate?” 

“Normal,” Karr answered.

“Perhaps Miss Vale is simply ignoring us,” Hemlock concluded. “Start the droid again, don’t stop until she begins responding.”

“Doctor Hemlock, the subject has repeatedly stated she does not know who Clone Force 99 is,” Karr said. “I’m not sure if-”

“I would not recommend taking the word of prisoners.”

–

Crosshair woke with a start, nearly smacking his head against the ceiling.

“You alright?” Wrecker asked from his bunk.

“Fine,” Crosshair mumbled as he swung his legs over the side. He could practically feel Wrecker’s hesitation. “What?”

“Was it a nightmare? Or did you see-”

“Jaine, yeah.” He rubbed at the back of his head, absentmindedly noting how often the spot of Jaine’s scar bothered him as well. 

“Is she okay?” Wrecker asked anxiously.

Crosshair felt his stomach twist into knots. “Wrecker, she’s in a prison where she is tortured all day by some sadistic fuck.”

His words were harsh and hit Wrecker like a tsunami, but his tone was hollow and haunted. 

“I’m sorry,” Crosshair started. “The dreams are getting… less vivid. It’s like- it’s like I’m out of range to pick up the comm chatter.”

“And you’re worried about her,” Wrecker finished. Crosshair nodded, running his hands over his eyes. “Do you-” He fidgeted a little. “Do you still like her?”

Crosshair eyed his brother, who seemed to be looking anywhere but directly at him. “Yeah.”

“Even after everything she did?”

Crosshair sighed. “Yes, I still love her.”

He watched the bigger man shifting uncomfortably in his bunk.

“Cross?”

“Yeah?”

“I gotta tell you something,” he practically whispered as he sat up in the bunk.

Crosshair nodded as the man’s leg started to bounce. He only did that when he was really nervous. 

“Cross, I… I really like Jainey,” he breathed, his shoulders dropping like a weight was pulled from them. “I really like her. Even after all this time and everything she said and did.”

Crosshair simply nodded. He didn’t want to discourage this- he couldn’t.

“And I know that you and her were– are-” he chuckled nervously. “A-a-and I don’t want to get in the way of that, but I don’t like holding it in; doesn’t feel right.”

“I know, Wreck,” Crosshair said.

Wrecker’s eyes shot up to his younger brother. “You do?”

“I saw the way all of you looked at her,” he shrugged, taking her datapad in his hands. “I can’t blame you; I look at her the same way.”

“Really? You’re not mad?”

Crosshair scoffed as he jumped down from his bunk. “Wreck, I’d be more surprised if you weren’t in love with her.” He offered the datapad in his hands. “She wrote me a letter in her language. Tech translated it. I think it might be good for you to read it, too.”

Wrecker’s eyes searched his brother’s face for even the tiniest hint of a joke. Finding nothing he just nodded, taking the datapad in his hands. He watched his little brother stretch, the action vaguely reminding him of a loth cat, and walk away to another part of the ship, leaving him alone on his bunk.

Wrecker’s hands were shaking a little. He hadn’t been so nervous to read since he was a cadet. He shuddered at the unpleasant memories of the Kaminoans’ “tests”.

Take a deep breath, he heard Movri's voice in his head. This is just a moment. For better or worse, it will be gone soon.

He could feel his pulse quicken at the thought of the kind togruta man. He pushed it away- his burgeoning feelings for his new friend weren’t important now; finding and rescuing Jainey was his current mission.

As he looked down at the screen, the words and letters seemed to bond together into an impenetrable wall. He shifted the screen back and forth, growling a little as he tried to decipher the translated text.

With a groan, he gave up on the first paragraph, opting instead to try and search through until he found his own name.

Wrecker has been more touchy lately. He picks me up and holds me close. He is so sweet and kind, it almost makes my heart ache. I play along like I want him to put me down, but that is far from the truth. I see how he steals glances at you when I am in his arms. I know he is nervous, but I would be glad to let him hold me as long as he sees fit.

Wrecker sighed once he got through the paragraph, relief washing over him as the headache he’d quickly started to develop waned. He’d been worried that she didn’t like the physicality of his affection. But this put it to rest: she didn’t mind it and they were friends.

We have to find her.

Realization struck through his chest like a spear. She doesn’t remember you, some cruel voice echoed through his brain. 

“Wrecker?”

His head snapped up to meet Omega’s concerned look.

“Oh, hey, ‘Mega,” he tried to smile.

“Crosshair gave you the letter, didn’t he?”

Wrecker heaved a sigh and nodded. “I-I know she…did a lot of really bad stuff, but-”

“You miss her,” Omega finished for him. “It wasn’t her fault. It’s the chip.”

“I know,” he frowned. 

Omega placed a gentle hand in his. “We’re going to get her back.”

-

“Tech, are you alright?” Runi called, knocking lightly on the fresher door.

“I am fine,” came the muffled response. Even through the door she could hear the strain in his voice. “Your medical assistance is not necessary.

Runi scowled. “You ran in there pretty fast,” she argued.

“Your concern is-” his voice wavered. “Is unwarranted.”

“Tech-”

“What’s wrong with him?” Echo asked, sidling up to press a kiss to her temple. She smiled at the soft touch.

“Don’t know,” she sighed. “He just ran in there.”

“Give him a few minutes,” he advised, his hand cupping her cheek. “He’ll let someone know what’s wrong when he’s ready.”

Runi raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Oh, I’m sure,” she snarked.

“Runi!”

Both of their heads snapped towards the medbay and they ran.

“What’s going on?” Runi asked as she took in the scene before her.

Sinya was curled in on herself, cradling her left hand against her chest, pained whimpers falling from her lips.

“She was fine but then she started-” Hunter explained, shirtless Runi noted in the back of her brain. “It’s- it’s the burn.”

She spoke soothingly to Sinya, gently coaxing her to release the clutch on her hand as she stuck a monitor patch to her chest. “Can I look at your hand?”

“I-I can’t,” she sobbed. 

“Hey, it’s alright,” Runi shushed. “I’m going to give you a pain-stim to help you relax a little, then we’re gonna look at your hand, alright?”

Sinya nodded tearfully and Runi looked over her shoulder.

“Echo, grab the-”

“Here,” he interrupted, the stim already in the autoinjector he was handing to her.

“Alright, Sinya, deep breaths, hun,” she whispered, pressing the injector against the twi'lek’s forearm, who whimpered a little at the sharp poke.

Runi looked at the med scanner, watching as Sinya’s heart rate began to ease back down to a normal pace. 

“S-sorry,” the woman whispered between pants. Runi looked up to answer, but found that her patient’s eyes were on the man sitting next to her. His eyes were filled with concern, but his lips were pulled up in a gentle smile.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, sarad,” he assured her, taking her uninjured hand in his. “We’ll have time.”

Runi fought to suppress a smile, exchanging an amused look with Echo as she unwrapped Sinya’s hand.

Once she pulled the bandage away, she nearly gasped. The burn had gotten worse. The center had expanded, faint red wisps still emanating from the ruined skin.

“That bad?” Sinya quipped.

“Honestly?” Runi hummed, releasing Sinya’s wrist. “I don’t know if it’s bad, and I don’t know how to treat it.”

Sinya nodded. If she were honest with herself, she probably expected that. “Do you think it’ll spread?” 

Runi scowled. “I hope not.”

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Thanks for reading! - River

Jari'eyc Masterlist DangRaccoon Masterlist Taglist Form Read on AO3

Tags: @lokigirlszendaya @serenityselene @nomercyforthewarrior @ravenclawbitch426 @luna-the-lone-red-wolf @techs-goggles9902

[0-cyprus-0]

CW: blood mention, violence mention, murder mention (?)

How do I know if intrusive thoughts are concerning, specifically violent/homocidal ones?

Whenever I see a knife or something sharp, I get the thought “hey, you could drop that onto your foot. Blood looks nice” or “you could stab someone with that. You should go do that” and if I’m angry, it’s even worse. I’ve almost stabbed my brother with a skewer because he was being slightly annoying. I’m kinda scared that if I’m really angry I might actually stab someone, but at the same time, the thoughts don’t bother me. They do last for a while once I get them, but I just vibe with them and wait it out. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

My friend told me that it’s only genuinely concerning if I plan to follow through with the thoughts, which I don’t think I do, but I get pretty intense urges to do what they say and kinda do want to do what they say. I genuinely have to think through the thoughts, consider my options, and try to remind myself that I shouldn’t do the things.

[enchantedlokii]

Just Like Forensic Files

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: poisoning

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Ned Leeds, FRIDAY

Mentioned: Ben Parker, Karen, May Parker, Pepper Potts, Happy Hogan, Adrian Toomes

@whumptober2020 Day Twenty-Two: Poisoned

Peter could remember Ben always teasing him when he was younger for watching Forensic Files. Because “why don’t you want to watch cartoons, Peter?” Sure, he liked cartoons too, but Forensic Files was more interesting. He had always loved science, and he wanted to learn more about it, even at a young age. So, he would watch Forensic Files any chance he had.

Flash forward nine years and he’s a crime-fighting mutant spider-kid who might actually need these facts that were stored in the back of his mind. He had, in the past, had to have Karen contact poison control for people he found in different situations. Usually it was drugs that they had taken willingly, but there were the occasional attempted homocides. It was New York City, after all, and there was always going to be crime. Some of those crimes would, unfortunately, be murders.

What he didn’t expect was to need those facts as Peter Parker. Especially not at a high school party. A high school party that the host had promised wouldn’t even have alcohol. Had there been that possibility, he wouldn’t have went. Because he didn’t want to be slipped anything at a party and have some sort of weird reaction because of his spider powers. He would make sure that he was at home or at Tony’s when he did eventually try any, but he still knew that would be years from now. It would be hypocritical of him to do something illegal when he stopped crime on a daily basis.

What he never expected was for someone at that party to slip something else in his drink. Something stronger, an obvious attempt at murder. It didn’t make sense. There were six people who knew his identity; May, Ned, Tony, Pepper, Happy, and Toomes. The only one of those who would have any reason to want him dead was in prison, so he thought he had nothing to worry about.

“Are you alright, Peter?” Ned asked as they stepped away from the drink table. The moment they stepped that way, his Spider-Sense had warned him of danger. He had been glancing around suspiciously ever since, trying to determine who there was in danger and, more importantly, who was planning on harming them.

“It’s a um. . . An intern thing,” he said quietly, giving Ned a knowing look. It wasn’t until he took a sip of his drink that he realized what it was. “Does your drink taste funny?”

“No, why? Does yours?” Ned asked, looking in his drink and then at Peter’s as if he could see a difference between the two.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I’m going to go pour it out. If I’m not back in a few minutes, come find me.”

Ned nodded uncertainly, watching as Peter started towards the bathroom. Just in the time it took him to get there and pour the drink out, he felt sick. A wave of nausea hit him so bad he thought he was going to puke, but when he tried nothing came except a pounding headache. He took a shaky breath and sat down against the locked door, pulling out his cell phone. He texted Ned first, telling him to be waiting outside the bathroom for when he unlocked the door. Only when he saw that his friend had read the message and replied with a thumbs up did he got to his contacts, deciding to call Tony first because he could probably get there quicker than May.

“Hey, Kiddo,” he answered within two rings. “Having fun?”

“Um, hey, Mr. Stark,” he started. He closed his eyes and focused on keeping his breathing steady. He had a feeling he knew what was happening to him, and if he was right his heart could give out if he let himself panic. He had to stay calm no matter how terrified he was. “So, I have a question.”

“I’m not going to like where this is going, am I?”

Peter chuckled nervously but didn’t answer, instead continuing. “So there was this episode once. . .” He trailed off to take another deep breath, something that seemed to be getting more difficult as time went on. “They poisoned the water and the woman got sick in minutes. She. . . She was dead before they got there.”

“Okay,” Peter could tell that Tony was trying to stay calm, but could hear him saying something to FRIDAY off the phone, probably telling her to track his phone. “Please tell me that I’m wrong in why you’re telling me this.”

“So. . . I, um, I think that’s happening to me. . . Like right now. . .” He told him. “Cyanide, is that what it’s called?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s what it’s called,” he replied. Sure enough, Peter heard a familiar whirring noise and then a few clanks. “Keep going.”

Peter was sure that he already knew everything he needed to know and was just trying to keep him talking now, but he went with it. So far, talking had helped keep him focused. He could not panic. “So it’s supposed. . . Supposed to be colorless. . .” He told him, recalling how the whole tank had been contaminated with more than enough to kill someone and no one noticed until they took a drink. “It was. . . The taste gave it away. . . And my drink tasted funny. . .”

Peter tried to take another deep breath, but felt like he couldn’t get as much air in as before. “I’mma let Ned in. . . Take me outside. . . Need air. . .”

“Alright, Buddy. Just keep me on the line, okay? I’m on my way.”

“Mmkay,” Peter replied. Shaky as he did so, Peter forced himself to stand up and unlock the door before he had to lean against it and catch his breath. “Ned?”

Ned pushed the door open, nearly causing Peter to fall over. “Dude, you don’t look too good,” he started. “Are you alright?”

Peter shook his head, too winded to reply at the moment. “Pete? Can you put Ned on speaker for me?”

“Y-yeah,” Peter managed, tapping the button on his phone and handing it to Ned so he could use that hand to grab ahold of his friend. “Need air. . .”

“Ned?” Tony prompted over the phone. At first Ned was a bit stunned, but forced himself to reply, knowing the severity of the situation.

“Yes, Mr. Stark, Sir?” he replied quickly, not missing the weak, teasing smile Peter gave him.

“I want you to take Pete out the back door for me. I’ll be there in three minutes, and I don’t want to cause a huge scene. Can you do that for me?”

Ned turned to peek out the door, finding the back door. “It’s not far, Peter. Do you think you can make it?”

“Can try,” Peter told him, following his gaze.

“Alright. We’re going to try,” Ned replied towards the phone before taking Peter’s arm and putting around his back. He glanced around before he started helping his friend walk in that direction. Once they were outside, he helped him sit down against the wall. “Better?”

Peter just nodded in reply, closing his eyes.

“Ned, give me a rundown. How’s he doing?” Tony asked. “I’m about a minute out.”

“He doesn’t look good,” Ned replied, frowning as Peter looked up at him. “But he’s awake. That’s good, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great. Just keep him awake for me if you can, okay?”

Peter blinked at Ned and shook his head. He had started to feel faint the moment he stood up, and it was only getting worse. “Can’t,” he managed to choke out.

“Just a little longer,” Ned pressed. “Please, Peter. He’s almost here.”

“‘M sorry,” he murmured, giving him a sad look. At this point, he could only hope that he would wake up again.

[siren-theories]

Maddie Bishop's treatment by the writers in Season 3

(tl, dr: Maddie deserved better this season) SPOILER WARNING: This post includes spoilers up to and including Episode 308 “Till Death do us part”.  I apologise to the readers for - after a long hiatus - not writing another analysis post first. But I felt the way Maddie was written in Season 3 deserves its own post. So let us take a look at the the way Maddie was written in Season 3, the inconsistencies with her earlier established character traits and the possible justifications for this treatment of her by the writers. 

I. Introduction

I generally do not like to post about a show which has not finished its current season. That is because a lot of developments only make sense in retrospect and only then the viewer can know why the writers decided to emphasize certain developments. As such, I am usually trying not to write episode reviews and engage in wild speculation about what will happen next episode. I much prefer writing after the end of a season. 

Looking back on all the shows I have seen in my life, there are only a few that come to mind that had a great third season. The West Wing and the Wire are the prominent examples that come to mind. 

(Shameless West Wing Plug. I so miss this show and its intelligent characters, especially in the current political climate). 

Other shows meanwhile go completely off the rails (like Andromeda, which never recovered from its Season 3). So in general I tend to be very forgiving to shows entering their third season, not expecting much. Thus I would usually not write something like this. 

But: I worry about the treatment of a character I feel very protective of, the chracter who is my favourite character in the show: Maddie Bishop. 

(Vivat regina.)

Her being my favourite character might be surprising to the reader considering most of the posts on this tumblr are about Ryn (and to a lesser degree Ben), while I have written only sparingly about Maddie. But that is simply because Ryn and Ben are more interesting characters to analyze. Emotionally, they tick the "lets root for them" box for me, despite - and because of -  their character flaws. Those flaws always add to the story in a fascinating and dramatic way. 

But Maddie Bishop I RESPECTED right from the start. This is in no small part because I always felt drawn to her analytical, logical, scientific side. In cheesy terms, I felt a bond with her because I could easily think of me acting the same way she did in many situations. For me, she was easy to emphatize with, easy to like and very easy to root for. 

But this season has been hard to swallow in some respects.

In the words of the Godfather: 

(Tremble in awe of my awesome MS Paint skills) 

Note that this does not apply to all of Maddie's actions. In fact, the vast majority of her actions this season are no big deal to me and fit her character. Many of the actions Maddie seems to catch a lot of flak for on other parts of the internet seem perfectly justifiable to me as they do not go against the core traits of her character. 

I have no issues with many major decisions Maddie made this season, including but not limited to: 

She is totally right to re-evaluate her relationship with Ben. Everybody should probably do so when their boyfriend confesses that he let somebody intentionally drown. (It also is not the first time they have broken up. One breakup per season seems to be the norm with those two, not the exception.)

Her hiding the fact of Ryn being her girlfriend to Robb was the right and logical choice. Most people do not talk about their sexuality in face-to-face situations with strangers.  Let’s remember that they all agreed to hide their relationship even when having dinner with Ben's family...so why would people expect Maddie to refer to Ryn as her girlfriend to strangers? 

I am also okay with her deciding to pursue a relationship with Robb. Even though I view him as a giant waste of screentime he seems like a good guy in total. (I really hope his introduction pays off in future seasons because right now it feels as if he has taken double or triple the screentime he should.) 

I could go on but I feel the point has been made. What I am however definitely not okay with are the instances where Maddie acts like a complete idiot. Those show a massive failure to respect established character traits by the writers.

Because one thing Maddie Bishop is not is an idiot. 

She probably is the smartest character on the whole show. And she is definitely not a hypocrite - in fact, her strong moral core is what made her that great of a character in Season 1 and 2. 

Let me just highlight a few situation this season where I disliked heavily how Maddie was written.  

II. Revealing the secrets of the Sirens and their existence to a total stranger ?

“Remember this big secret people are literally getting killed over? I wonder if I should talk about it to this guy I met for a few coffees...not like letting other people knowing about it has ever hurt somebody....Ian? What is an Ian?”

Over the span of a few days, Maddie does the following in Season 3:

Reveal information about the Sirens to a total stranger, even going so far as to show him secret Siren history in the cave

Bring a complete stranger into the maritime laboratory (what exactly could have been her thought process here, what did she hope to gain by this?)

Doing the above despite being repeatedly warned not to do so

I can live with Ben being an idiot and refusing to heed warnings until it almost kills him because that is who his character is - somebody who lets his emotion, empathy and character flaws get the better of him at times despite his good intentions. Him taking stem cells is thus consistent with his character and at the very least a justifiable writers decision. To a lesser degree this also applies to Ryn and her total lack of impulse control. Ben and Ryn making bad decisions it is very consistent with their characters - and yes, this even applies to making stupid decisions. (For Ryn, agreeing to work with the military in Episode 207 “Entrapment” is but one example). 

But this is NOT Maddie and never was.

The Maddie from previous seasons was so very invested in keeping the secret that she hid it from her own father in Season 1. This led to the awesome scene between her, her father Dale and Ryn In episode 107: “Dead in the water”.

She hid this secret from her own mother in Season 2 (heck, she even hid her relationship with Ryn from her). She hid Ryn from her best friends, her former boyfriend and her coworker. And yet, suddenly some stranger from outside town waltzes in and within the span of a few coffee dates she goes and spills the beans to him? After being explicitly warned not to do so? Without even being in a relationship with Robb at that point and knowing next to nothing about him?  If you had held a gun to my head and forced me to pick somebody who would be dumb enough to just reveal the secret of the Sirens to outsiders, Maddie Bishop never would have been my answer. 

I could see Ben “Bad Judgement” Pownall and Ryn “No brakes on this train” Fisher doing so. I expect Xander and Calvin to be trash at keeping secrets because that is consistent with their past behaviour. But Maddie? No. Not Maddie. Not the girl who hid her mother’s addiction from the world as best she could. Not the woman who was okay keeping Ryn a secret from her own father. And not to a total stranger. 

This is Ben-level stupidity. Actually, it is worse than that. Blabbing about the mermaids to a total stranger without being under any kind of duress is by far the most stupid thing any character has ever done in this show. It risks not only Maddie herself, but also the Sirens as a species. It is even worse than Xander telling Nicole about Helen's family burials at the end of season 2. It is irresponsible and completely outside Maddie's established character traits and her past actions. It is unbelievable. 

III. Killing is different when my (animal) girlfriend does it 

Besides turning her into an idiot, the writers also turned Maddie into a hypocrite in stating Ryn letting Ian drown is different than Ben doing the same. Nevermind the fact that Ryn has actively killed people (and probably will continue doing so). 

(Why is it different when two people react exactly the same?Because.....reasons. The best reasons. People tell me they are the best reasons. My uncle went to MIT and invented these reasons. Big brain time.) 

So the writers had Maddie claim it is different when Ryn does exactly the same thing as Ben. It also is okay for Ryn to kill somebody who was no real threat to Ryn (or Maddie with Ryn being there). Remember when Ryn killed the drug dealer in Episode 205? Ryn was toying with the guy throughout the whole fight and clearly enjoyed killing him in a brutal manner. She even grins during the fight once she realizes the guy has no chance against her.

And yet, Maddie was okay with this. But it is not okay for Ben to let somebody drown who was  a) a homocidal maniac who used his car as a deadly weapon, having attempted to run Ben over twice previously b) somebody who could not be trusted c) who had just kidnapped a drugged-up Ryn.

I cannot remember when I ever groaned in frustration at anything Maddie had done or said throughout the course of the show. This must have been the first time and it is especially jarring in response to the following scene in 206:

(Ryn does not. The writers might.) As I said above, I am more than okay with Maddie evaluating her relationship with Ben, what I am not okay with is her immediate declaration that Ryn killing people is different...because she is Ryn? And I hate how it has one particularly ugly implication - that to Maddie, Ryn killing people is just what she does. The conclusion to be drawn from that is that Ryn is indeed a predator/animal first to Maddie than a human being. 

And this is obviously inconsistent with Maddie's earlier actions. 

First, she did not mind somebody eliminating threats before. She was okay with potentially having to hurt people in order to defeat the sonic cannon in Season 2. She was “willing to fight” to protect Ryn and her species. And several times Maddie carried loaded guns and was ready to use them herself in the series. 

She also always believed in Ryn's humanity. I am sure the many scenes between Ryn and Maddie in Season 1 and 2 are fresh in everyone's mind. Suffice to say that Maddie has always believed in the humanity of Ryn, starting with the car scene between the two in Episode 102 or the trust scene in Episode 103, which I have linked below. 

(and where did this dynamic go btw?)  Which ties in neatly with my next point: 

IV. The Marginalization of Maddie regarding Ryn and Ben  

Let me start by saying that breaking up the trio to focus on Ben/Ryn (and probably continuing to focus on those two) is not something I want to critize from a storytelling perspective. Final judgement on the storytelling will be reserved until the end of the series. As this issue is inextricably linked with “shipping” preferences, I think at this point I have to explain where I stand on the issue. I would prefer Polymarine as I think it really fits the characters best...but I can live with Ben/Ryn. This is in no small part due to Eline Powell and Alex Roe doing some of their greatest work on this show playing off each other. See for example how in Episode 306 they improvised with her hair sticking to his body after a hug and turned that into a tender gesture...great impromptu acting without breaking character. If the writers want to explore this (or any other) relationship  further I can respect that decision from a storytelling perspective because I think the payoff will be satisfying to me as a viewer.  Even though I feel it would have been better to explore Ben/Ryn in the context of Polymarine I begrudgingly accept the right of the writers to tell the story the way they want to.  

And If nothing else it leads to stunning visuals - image credit to @crayonboxhearts, more gifs from this scene at the link. 

But I dislike the way in which the writers set it up and executed it this season because (as outlined above) it sacrificed some of Maddie’s core character tenets and had her acting out of character. 

Having the trio become a duo on its own in an organic way without the above would have been preferable IMO. There were enough angles the writers could have chosen to facilitate that in a believable manner. They could have focused on the connection Ryn has with Ben, they could have had family reasons...et cetera pp. And they also could have used some of the issues Maddie has in her own past to justify a breakup. All of this would have been (IMO) preferable to what we got. 

What we got was something that felt as if it was written to check some boxes to set up the future plotlines and in doing so marginalized Maddie with regards to her importance to Ryn, Ben and the overall story. 

Granted, the show tried to show Maddie and Ryn's feelings for each other and they spent some time showing Ben moping after her - but in light of the significant strides made in the Ben/Ryn dynamic these scenes feel more than a bit hollow. 

And anybody who has watched episodes 308 could just see the role of Maddie as it relates to interacting with Ryn and Ben getting smaller by the minute. Ryn and Ben now have their own little circle, one which only seems to include Maddie on the periphery. Nowhevere was this stronger on display than in Episode 308, with Ben and Ryn making lifelong promises to each other.

Ryn: “I will live on Land. With you.” Ben: “On land. You mean, stay human?”  Ryn: “Yes. Here. Together. Human.”  Ben: “What about Hope?”  Ryn: “She can be with us. As a family.” Ben: “I can’t ask you to do that.”  Ryn: “It is my choice. When it is time, I will be human with you.”

Notice how Maddie was not even mentioned once during that conversation? And yes maybe it would have been a bit weird to include her in the dialogue . However this is not an isolated incident.  Later on Maddie is not even in the same frame when Ryn and Ben actually exchange a wedding ring and make a “til death do us part” promise. Let me repreat this: They are exchanging wedding vows and Maddie is not even in the frame.

(Yes, technically not wedding vows, but only due to the circumstances surrounding them - the sentiment and meaning was there. FFS, she is even wearing white). 

And sometimes it is something as simple as Ryn in 308 kissing Maddie on the cheeks and Ben straight on the lips. 

There could not have been a more clearer message than the contrast here.  And this was clearly intentional on part of the director considering these frames followed each other immediately.  

And then of course we get the followup scene on the docks where Ben is literally standing in the middle between Maddie and Ryn, before turning and following Ryn, both leaving Maddie behind. Observe the contrast between that scene and the pier scene in Episode 203. 

203: 

308:

(Ngl,seeing her standing alone there in the dark hurt) And some of that can be viewed as a logical development of Maddie no longer being in a relationship with Ben (and whatever kind of relationship Maddie has with Ryn, it is clear that Ryn is not staying at Maddie’s place at all). Siren has always been about the relationship of the main characters within the tight-knit circle and it is clear that at this point in the story Maddie is not part of the inner circle anymore. 

V: Maddie’s role in the story

And if Maddie would be doing something else, something central to the story of Bristol Cove, something that would valiate her character and make her essential to the plot in other ways, it might be enough for me or at least end up softening the blow. But is that the case? 

The side characters that have the closest connection with her (Dale and her mother Susan) have not even appeared once this season. And we had Xander replace her in her role as the gun-carrying backup which Ben calls first when stuff goes down in episode 306. So far there has not been a critical “Maddie moment” this season that was absolutely essential to the plot. She figured out the reason why the pool was not working in Episode 307 but it was Ben who came up with an actual solution to the problem.

(A caveat: Ben usually is the one who figures out solutions in the show (cf 208) so I might just be overreacting here.) But what exactly is left of the crucial role that Maddie had at the start of this season? Is she still as important as the other two main characters with regards to story development? I really hope the Finale will make me look like a fool for even asking that question. But I hate having arrived at a point where it even is a question once can ask legitimately.

VI: Previous acts of plot

This is not the first time the writers have decided to ignore established character traits in order to tell a certain story.  I have written before how it made no sense for certain storylines of Season 2 to play out the way they did in Episode 214 and 215 - except in the context of them serving the overarching plot.

Specifically, Ryn not knowing Ben's last name despite living together for weeks and months and suddenly going haywire after hearing it made little sense. And yet it was clear why it had to happen - because the writers wanted to tell a specific story. (A longer argument for what happpened and why can be found in the middle of this post if you do not want to take my word for it.) They wanted to do so because it led to great payoffs for the viewer:

1) We had an awesome discussion between Maddie and Ryn in Episode 214 

(Remember how emotionally intelligent Maddie was in that situation? Where did scenes like that go?)

2.) It led to several great scenes between Ben and Ryn and also provided further justification for Ben’s choices in 216. 

In retrospect,  the plot contrivances of 214 were done by writer's fiat to setup a scenario that would test the relationship of the trio. This created more drama and paved the way for a satisfying payoff at the end of Episode 215/216. In doing so, the writers allowed character inconsistencies and plot contrivances to steer the story towards a predetermined outcome, to the detriment of character logic and past character developments. 

And we can see a similar trend developing here. The end goal of the writers seems to have been the rock scene between Ben and Ryn at the end of Episode 308. 

And if you assume this to be the end goal in the current plot development...if the goal was to focus on Ben and Ryn...then there needs to be a breakup. Because huge parts of the storyline (stemcells, them going swimming, them making promises to each other etc.) do not work with Maddie in the picture. 

But was it necessary to sacrifice parts of her character and have her acting in a manner inconsistent with her established traits in order to do so? (Maybe they had to rush it because of lack of episode time, but then why waste so much time on Robb and Helen’s ghost stories?). 

And there is another problem: The success of this plot development will heavily depend on whether it will fit the personal preferences of the viewership. As I said above, while I would have preferred Polymarine I can live with and enjoy Ben/Ryn or Maddie/Robb. 

But for die-hard polymarine and Maddie/Ryn shippers, I feel the results might be somewhat different. And this is only made worse by Maddie being unfairly treated by the writers in order to facilitate the overall plot development. I suspect many Maddie fans (regardless of their shipping preference) will have been disheartened about how the writers made Maddie behave this season. 

I know I was. 

VII: The parallels between Episodes 108 and 308 - and why they worry me

And there is another meta-reason why I am deeply worried about Maddie and her role going forward. And this has to do with the way in which Siren’s previous ten-episode season has been set up. In Season 1, it was Episode 108 that cemented the character development happening in that season. Episodes 109 and 110 served to defeat the big bad of the season and to introduce temporary setbacks that had to be solved at the start of the following season before the characters returned to the dynamics establied in 108. 

In short, while Episodes 9 and 10 were exciting, Episode 8 of Season 1 is the pivotal episode of the season. Ryn’s desire to learn and to stay on land, her first steps into human society...all those happened in that episode. There are also strong parallels in the way 108 and 308 treated Ryn’s relationship with Ben, even ending their screentime in the episode with a impactful scene between the two (”Will you sing to me” / “Til death do us part”). Other parallels include both episodes featuring an important event in a human’s life (a wake/a marriage), both episodes involving the whole Bristol Cove community etc. 

And like 108, 308 was (IMO) a near-perfect episode in terms of performances, pivotal scenes and dialogue. Just by the sheer number of extras, costumes etc. involved the writers clearly wanted it to be important. And it was important.  It greatly drove forward the plot and I personally rate it as one of my favourite episodes of the show on its own for that reason. 

But there is one major difference that seperates 108 and 308: Maddie was very much still in the picture (literally) and a plot-driving force in her own right.

And this worries me. 

I expect the final two episodes will be about defeating the big bad of the season, as it was with Season 1. Maybe the season will even end the same way as Season 1 - with Ryn being on her own for a bit. Maybe she even goes back to the water for a longer time (or is forced to do so due to circumstances). But I also expect character development in season 4 to largely use 308 as its base. 

And now you can see why I am getting concerned here about Maddie’s diminished role. I really hope the writers have not forgotten what a wonderful character they created in her and find better ways to use her in season 4.

There are plenty of options within Siren to give her meaningful screentime again (her spending more time with Xander and Calvin for example would also give more screentime to those two, which I would love to see). But whatever the writers chose to do in the future, I really hope that it does not involve Maddie acting out of character again. 

Conclusion:

The way the writers wrote Maddie in Season 3 is not something that I agree with, nor does her diminished role in the central dynamics of the story sit well with me. Did it completely ruin the show for me? No. The mysteries of the sirens, the Pownell family saga, the question of whether Ryn has to permanently return to the sea, her child and the whole Ryn/Ben dynamic kept me entertained - and will do so in the future.  

But Maddie being this off-base and not being in the main picture definitely does diminish the show for me - and I think I am not alone in this. When I look at the failed opportunities for her character it saddens me in a major way. Even though Season 3 is still an enjoyable and entertaining season for me, it could have been much more. 

[elejahfanfic]

The Vampire Files/9

Fanfiction

Part 9

AU story, with characters from tvd/to, featuring Joel Goran from Saving Hope

Nick and Elena are FBI Agents investigating supernatural activities and homocide caused vampires and demons.

Expect witches, demons, vampires. Inspired by X-files, Twin Peaks, and many other shows

Main pairing_Nick Amaro & Elena Gilbert

tag_ @miguelsbrat​

✧˖*✧◝(^▽^)◜✧˖*✧˖*

***

"Conlindam in sanguinem" Elena murmurred sipping the blood slowly down Nick's mouth, repeating it in a manner that resembled a trance- and he, taken by the magic fighting inside of him now rolled his eyes, his whole body trembling in the worst possible fever.

Dita didn't move. She stood just watching nervously rubbing her hands. Now she whispered constantly as if in the same turmoil as Nick. "I never wanted this to happen-I never wanted this"

The little bit of consciousness that lingered made Nick feel like he was walking through the darkest fire of Hell. This was the darkest of magics Elena had not felt since she was a teenager. She as a medium could channel the magic through to the silver knife on Nick's chest making it void. Still in the state of delirium he clenched his teeth as the blood streamed through them somehow. And then he suddenly was calm and relaxed.

Elena stopped chanting removing the knife from his chest. Nick shot his eyes open looking around and as he realized where he was sat up now rubbing his mouth off seeing the blood on his hands. He wiped his mouth and hands off not looking at either Elena or Dita.

Elena walked out of the room speedialing Valerie again.

"Done. What next?" Elena said to the witch. This was the first time Elena asked her for a favour, even though Stefan had told her numerous times that she could trust Valerie entirely.

Flashback A year ago

Jackson and Elena got into the bar, both wishing Stefan a happy birthday.

"Beers and more shots!"Stefan ordered."Tonight we're going to get smashed. These two people here have cracked a biggest case ever. Everything is on me!"

"How many did he have already?" Elena asked Valerie.

"I am not counting. I only know I am driving him home" Valerie said.

It turned out that Jackson drove Stefan home. Valerie was called by an informant and asked Elena to accompany her. That night Elena learnt that Valerie was a witch as the informant was a trap. Elena dealt with the shaman in question as he wanted to strangle Valerie.

"Whenever you need a favour- I owe you one," Valerie said,"Angel heart"

Nick was quiet. Numb. He felt like he was stuck in one of those stories from the  Twilight zone. But this was real. Same as the creatures he read about and now he was something. He was a creature of the darkness. He glanced at Elena and then his eyes met Dita's. Answers,they said. I need answers. Now!

"I will tell you everything" Dita said and sat down on the chair near a window opposite from him.

Elena, having finished talking to Valerie interupted them for a second.

"Ahm- before -well- I need to tell you that you would probably crave blood, so I will have to get you some. Won't be long"

Nick noded slightly like it was the most normal thing. In honest truth, he only cared to hear what Dita had to say.

Elena left them. She remembered so vividly the night her parents told her about her supernatural heritage.

"Why did that woman call me Angel Heart?" Elena asked her father.

"Because of the light you carry in your heart." he explained.

Elena's mind now wondered to a more pragmatic questions. Who knew about him and sent them to New Orleans? Someone in the Bureau did this- was Elena's thought.

Her phone rang and picked up the call.

×××× In Washington, D.C.

Caroline strolled out of the court house with Liv Parker, her fellow colleague,  happily informing Klaus that the cross examination went in their favour.

"I had no doubt you would snare the defence" Klaus remarked.

"We are having a late lunch" she said in an informative way in her heart secretly hoping he would say he would meet them there.

"Take the rest of the day off. I am sending you preliminary details about the Fell case." Klaus said.

"Oh, the Bureau collected enough evidence?" Caroline said surprised as that case dragged on.

"Just received a call from the office,” Klaus said, "got to go. The mayor is expecting me. Good job, Forbes!"

They both hanged up and Caroline shone proudly. It was very rare Klaus had a thrill in his voice. She then commented about Klaus going to the mayor.

"He will run for the mayor" Liv said.

"What? Where did you hear that?" Caroline was stunned.

"It's a rumor," Liv replied,"Mayor's assistant is my friend. She has suggested he would run for the office. There is also a rumor that they are sleeping together"

"Klaus and Genevieve Guerrera?" Caroline was now wide-eyed. Her heart didn't want to hear this. But why should she care? Since she had arrived at the D.A.'s office, all they did was but their heads together and on very seldom occasions did he agree with her. Yes. Till he gave her that look transpiring his heart the other day. And eversince she could not stop thinking about him. Maybe this was what she needed to hear. Now she could stop thinking about him. He is a guy without a heart. She often said it. He is all work, sex and career. Not necessarily in that order.

Caroline got into her car and as if she was closing a case mentally wrapped her thoughts up.

*** In Carencro, LA

Nick waited for Heloise to start talking. The woman took a deep breath starting quite bluntly,"Your mother was a Nephilim. I believe you know what they are."

"Not quite,” Nick said," but as you saw my partner is very knowledgable about the creatures of the night- so she will soon explain. What was her name?"

"Cesaria" Dita said.

"And where is she?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything about her after she had left you here with me, in my care." Dita replied.

"And my father? My real father? Not the one you told me silly stories about"

"All the stories about him were true. He was human. Fiorello. A teacher. You know. He was killed in a car accident when you were nine months old. That is all true."

"Who is Isabella? The name of the woman on the tombstone? Well, she's obviously not my mother! Are you related to me at all?" Nick continued with the questions feeling the blood craving coming on strongly. It was a strange feeling, worse then hunger.

Dita could see his eyes getting yellowish and now took the knife Elena left on the table in her hands.

"I won't hurt you" Nick reassured the woman.

"I don't know that. No one knows how you’ll be. That is why she spelled you and left you behind"

Elena then entered the house and seeing him agitated now pored some of the blood she got from the butcher's into a cup. "Here"

He took it reluctuntly and had a sip. Immediately he felt at ease again.

"Thank you" he slipped as he had some more.

"Sorry to crash like this but just need to tell you that you that you won't need blood once the transformation is over" Elena said.

"Transformation?" Nick looked at her puzzled.

"Like werewolves change with the full moon. Nephilim change as well, but nothing major like that. At least that it what I know." Elena replied.

"And then- what will happen?"

"Can we talk about it later. Here, I also got you a sweater." Elena passed him the bag.

"Yeah- I need a shower" Nick stood up and went to the bathroom.

His talk with Dita was far from over, but he needed a breather. Way too many things happened at once.

The silent glare between Dita and Elena spoke volumes. Elena could see that the woman was going through a personal turmoil. The woman put the knife away on the table sighing.

"I knew this day was coming,” Dita said,"noone ever stays completely away from the darkness. At least not our kind. What are you? Not really a witch, but you can do spells?!"

"Demon hunter" Elena said simply.

"Not just a hunter. They can't do what you have just done"

"I am a bit different- yeah" Elena said. It was clear she didn't want to go into detail of all the aspects she possessed.

Nick now appeared. He seemed all right. The man she had known.

"We can go," he suddenly said,"there is an investigation we need to wrap up?!"

Denial. Elena inhaled deeply But, if he wanted to leave she could not telling him to stay.

Dita got up walking over to a chest of draws taking out a little box. She then silently passed it to Nick."This was your mother's."

He gulped a bit looking at the woman who had been a mother and a father all these years, who schooled him, raised him to be the man he was, a warm, compassionate, clever and generally a good person.

"She had her reasons for having done this. It was not easy for her. She wanted to protect you" Dita said.

Nick nodded a little. He looked at Elena giving her a sign that he was ready to leave.

To break the awkwardness Elena went out first. Nick followed. They each went to their respective cars. Just before he turned the ignition key, Nick turned to have one last look at Dita, who was standing at the front door. Whatever choice she had made he could not keep a grudge. This was not him. Dita put her hand up as if wanting to wave goodbye, but then put it down.

***

Meanwhile in NOLA

Dean sat down to write his report. His heart was heavy. The empitness her death left behind was eating up his soul.

Flashback Some time ago

"I could fall in love with you" Davina said as kissed Dean chuckling a bit then nestling on his shoulder.

Dean brushed up and down her back with his fingers lovingly saying "I thought you already are"

"Wow - you really are a charmer" she put her head up a little facing him.

"I was in love with you the moment I saw you. Maybe you put a spell on me " he said, a charming smirk dancing on his lips.

"Maybe.But real witches din't do that." the witch smiled back.

How could he not see what really was going on with her. Maybe he could have stopped it. Maybe. Maybe- drummed in his head. Now she was no more. It felt like his heart was cut out as well. He now returned to his report.

An hour later, in Algiers

"Drink now"- the witch said to Dean, who now took the bowl filled with the blood of a vampire. The Agent looked at the woman and with blurred vision from the hex he saw Davina in front of him nodding uttering, "Avenge me", he drank up.

"It is done!" the witch then run a stake through the Dean's heart and he screamed as the tip pierced it. She pulled it out murmuring words sipping some of the blood of a witch on the wound that healed immediately.

 "Now we have a real monster. Come, drink from me!" A man now walked in from the side room smiling wickedly, slashing his wrist open putting the hand to Dean, who dug his fangs deep into the wrists sucking the potent blood hungrily into him.

*

At the Old No. 77 Hotel, Elena paid for the room service and wheeled the

“I’m not really hungry”

“You got to eat something.” Elena said.

“I’d rather you answer a few questions like - you knew what I was - why didn’t you tell me?”

"All right- I knew-  but not straight away," Elena sighed,"I get this dream-like preminitions- and then I checked with Jenna."

"And then it was never the right time to tell me" NIck said.

"I should have just come to you and go- by the way, Amaro- you are a Bloodborn, a nephilim- a kind of a demon hunter-ok- are you having a beer or blood?"

"I get it -but still inbetween a pie and a doughnut you could have at least say that you were not just an Agent."

"And you would take that like it's an everyday thing" Elena said.

"I don't know. You could have tried, maybe you would have been surprised. But the trust issue was there from day one" Nick shot back.

"I have already admitted that it was a mistake. Like you never made one. And it's not that I din't trust you. I do. I actually trust you more than anyone I did before” Elena said with sincerest of eyes.

"You have s strange way of showing it," Nick mellowed down a bit,"You saved my life- twice-"

“We are not keeping score - or have you already forgot?!”

"No.” Nick huffed and sat down at the small table by the window,”This is the end. At least for me."

"What?" Elena looked at her partner in disbelief. "You're not going to quit, are you?"

"I can't continue with the work in the Bureau- not being this- whatever I am"

"So, you're going to bail. Leave me to kick their asses on my own?! I didn't think you were the bailing kind!" Elena was miffed.

"How can I go on? Look at me. Inside I fill like my gut will rip open. I feel like millions of wasps are swarming in my body." Nick said playing with the food in front of him. Huffing he got up and sat on the bed.

Elena stood up and walked over to him. She pressed her hand on his forehead. He was burning up. He was still in transition.

“Come on, lay down” she said.

"Stay" he uttered faintly, taking hold of her hand. “Please”

"Sure" Elena said taking his shoes off, and pulled the blanket over.

"Can you lay down- I won't bite" he said inhalind deeply.

She smiled a little at his comment and now taking her shoes off and jacket, she laid next to him.

He looked at her dearly. And Elena reciprocated.

"You're beautiful" he then slipped.

Elena knew that it was now the fever talking and played along a bit.

"Well, thank you for the compliment. Now close your eyes and try to sleep, ok?"

"I don't want to. I want to look at you. Forever" Nick blurted out.

"You can do that tomorrow, but now I am ordering you to sleep. Come on!"

“You promise that you won’t leave.”

“I promise” Elena said.

Taking her hand in his he closed his eyes. Elena rubbed the back of his hand gently with her thumb. She looked at him like he was not the creature from this world. Inhaling softly, she made a mental gulp, her feelings bubbling up inside her, made her wonder into a floaty daydream.

He brushed his fingers tips over her lips and raised her head. Tentatively, his lips grazed across hers, slowly, teasingly. And then his mouth took possession and his lips moved over hers, softly and yet demanding at the same time, filling her with an aching sensation, a desire that rumbled through her, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She slid her tongue to his, savoring the hot velvet flesh, entwining ravenously with hers, pulling her deeper.

Elena inhaled softly, feeling her insides quake with the sudden desire streaming down her veins. Her heart flattered in her chest at the thought of his soft brown eyes opening, turning to her, smiling gently, brimming with feelings unspoken. She fluttered her eyes shut. Denying her feelings. But then, she stretched her arms across his chest, snuggling up to him, listening to his breathing that was getting calmer and more relaxed.

Where do they go from here? Can things get even more complicated? Absolutely.

[willing-to-listen]

i have homocidal thoughts,, right now i ain’t havin em,, but i feel like soon it’ll get worse and i’m afraid but ion know how to tell my therapist,, any advice??

I can see how this is making you afraid, and just try to keep in mind that deciding that you should tell your therapist and knowing that it may get worse is a really big, important, and difficult step, and it’s great you’ve gotten past it. 

However, the more you put off talking to your therapist, the more afraid you’re going to be, and things aren’t going to be able to go in a positive, productive direction. 

Your therapists’ job is to help you and understand how you’re feeling, so although I completely understand how heavy this can get and how hard it may be for you, it may be helpful to remember that this is their job. This is the best way for you to get help, and more positive, good things will come out of this rather than negative. 

Everything is gonna work out for you given you take the right steps. :) Feel free to message me anytime or send me an ask if you want to stay anonymous. 

[spn-rewrites]

01x10 (part 3)

Season One Episode Ten: Asylum

Summary: a fake phone call, a stupid decision and an unexpected ending

Word Count: 2.3k

The four of you walked the halls, looking for an exit but all of them were sealed shut the same way that the door was sealed shut when Kat was inside the exam room. Sam tugged and pushed on all of the doors and eventually, you decided to go to the doors you guys came in through. Those doors were a guaranteed exit, right?

“So Y/N said you guys know about all this ghost stuff because it’s your job, right?” Kat asked as you walked the quiet halls.

“Yeah,” Sam confirmed.

“Why would you want a job like that?” She asked the same question you asked yourself every time you ended up in a place like this.

“I had a crappy guidance counselor,” Sam joked but his voice was emotionless and focused.

“And Dean, is he your boss?” She asked, directed towards Sam. You had to laugh at her question, getting a glare from Sam.

“No,” Sam said.

“Yes,” you said, getting another glare but it was well worth it. Sam shook his head at you as you finally got to the doors you came in through and Sam pushed and pulled on those ones just as he did the other ones and still, no luck. He sighed.

“We have a problem,” Sam mumbled.

“Let’s just break it down,” Gavin suggested.

“That’s not going to work,” you told him. You knew that it wasn’t just a coincidence that all the doors were sealed shut and no amount of strength would open them.

“Then a window,” Gavin said.

“They’re barred,” you reminded him, shooting down his ideas once again.

“Then how are we supposed to get out?”

“That’s the point,” Sam finally said. He was quiet, thinking. “We’re not. There’s something in here. It doesn’t want us to leave,” he said.

“The patients?” Kat asked, referring to the ones that you saw earlier.

“No, something else,” Sam said, a sinister tone to his voice that gave you the chills and you knew in your gut that he meant the spirits that were causing all those deaths. Whatever was in that room Dean was looking for, was going to help you stop them. “There’s no other way out,” Sam said.

“What the hell are we going to do?” Gavin asked, frantic and looking around the place like maybe he could find an exit you and Sam couldn’t.

“Well, we’re not going to panic,” you told him just as Sam’s phone started to ring. “We’re gonna figure out what’s in room 137 and stop whatever is keeping us here, okay?” You tried to keep them calm but you could hear Dean’s voice on the other end of the phone, competely not calm. He was yelling for Sam to come to the room. He said he could see it. He said it was coming after him.

“I’m on my way,” Sam said and hung up the phone with Dean. “Y/n, take the shotgun, If anything comes near you three, shoot. Okay?” Sam said, taking the gun off his back and handing it to you. You nodded at him, taking the gun. The adrenaline you felt earlier was completley gone now and your hands were shaking until Sam’s brushed against them. “Be careful,” he said.

“Duh, you too,” you tried to joke through your heart racing and you gave him a fake

smile. His eyes lingered on yours for a moment before taking off down the hall. You stood in front of Kat and Gavin like a body gaurd, ready to shoot anything that would come near them.

“What is that going to do?” Kat asked.

“It’s filled with rock salt. It’ll stop the spirits for a while. Won’t kill them but it’ll keep them away from us,” you explained to her. Kat nodded and curled into herself and you could tell they were scared so you had to be less scared. For them.

Gavin started pacing back and forth and Kat sat down on the ground, couching so if she had to get up to run, she could. It was quiet and there wasn’t much going on which was good for them but it made you wonder if that meant there was a lot going on in the basement where Sam went.

“Hey Gavin, he we make it out of here alive, we are so breaking up,” Kat said to her boyfriend, making you chuckle a little bit until there was a loud bang. You brought the gun up, ready to shoot at whatever it was but it was just Dean.

“What are you guys still doing here? Where’s Sam?” He asked as you lowered the gun down. He was walking towards you, eyes jumping from each person looking for his brother.

“He got a call from you a few minutes ago? You said he needed to come to the basement because you saw the thing that was making everyone crazy? He left to go find you,” you told him, slowly becoming more worried by the second because if Dean didn’t call him, who did?

“I didn’t call him,” Dean said.

“He said it was you, Dean,” you emphasized. Dean sighed and grabbed the gun from your hands.

“Keep an eye on them, y/n. I’ll go get him.” Dean nodded towards you and then turn to go the way he came,

“I want to go with you!” You called out for him but Dean sent you a look over his shoulder that you knew all too well.

“You’ve gotta stay here. They need you. I’ll get him, I promise,” Dean said as he kept walking and rounded the corner and disappeared. You sighed, clenching your jaw.

“So I got it wrong when I said Dean was your boyfriend, huh? It’s Sam,” Kat said, smiling at you depsite the curcumstances.

“Neither of them are my boyfriend, okay?” You whispered to her, leaning against the dirty wall with your fingers in your hair. The feeling you had now, of helplessness and worry and sheer panic was the exact reason you made Dean start taking you on hunts instead of leaving you at the hotel room.

You would sit on the bed, rocking back and forth and changing the channel every two seconds. You would open and shut the same magazine twenty times, not reading a single word all because you were too worried about what was happening to him.

Then he would come home, bruised and bloody and you would freak out even more until he smiled at you with blood on his teeth and make you feel better. The panic you were feeling now, though, was different than that. It was harder and scarier.

“Okay, um, you guys stay here,” you finally stood up and pointed towards Kat and Gavin. You were going to go find Sam yourself because you can’t just sit here and wait.

“What? You can’t leave us!” Gavin argued.

“Yes, I can. Stay put,” you ordered. You ran down the hallway and all the hallways after that until you found the basement stairs. The stairs echoed as you trotted down them, watching your step because at the pace you were going you could easily miss one and fall.

You heard grunting and muffled voices and you followed them. You heard a thud and Dean’s voice and then nothing. You saw a light shining and then Dean. “Hey, where’s Sam?” You asked, causing him to jump and shine the light in your face.

“I could have shot you, you know!” Dean hissed at you. “What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t just sit up there! Where is he?” You asked as Dean motioned you to come to his side and you did. He grabbed your elbow and pulled you close to him as he looked around frantically.

“I found Ellicott’s journals. Apparently, he was expirementing on his patients. Making them as angry as they could be, thinking that it would then go away and they’d be cured or whatever from their homocidal tendacies. It only made things worse and that’s why they rioted and I think that it’s Ellicott’s spirit that’s causing these deaths. He’s making these people so angry they kill,” Dean explained as he walked. “I think Ellicott got to Sammy. He tried to kill me,” he said.

“What?” You exclaimed.

“I knocked him out, he’s over there,” Dean pointed the light towards the corner where Sam’s body was propped up against the wall, his eyes closed and head hanging down. Dean looked at the angry, shocked, worried expression on your face and shrugged. “He was going to shoot me,” he defended.

“So what are we looking for? His body?” You asked.

“Yeah, this room was some sort of secret exam room where he did the expirments. I think it’s where the patients took his body and hid it. Probably did some really messed up things to him, too,” Dean said, raising his eyebrows. “You really shouldn’t be done here,” he said.

“I know.”

“He could have gotten you, too,” Dean said as he moved old, stained curtains out of the way with his gun. You nodded and looked around at the tables. You looked for anywhere they could have sutffed a body and that’s when you saw the cabinets.

“There,” you pointed. Dean nodded and kneeled down on the ground, hesitating for a moment to open it. You sighed and grabbed the handle yourself and whipped it open, only to be hit with the rancid smell of a decaying body. You and Dean coughed, covering your nose and mouth. “Well, there he is,” you joked, your voice muffled from your arm covering it. The smell was enough to make you vomit.

“That’s just gross,” Dean said. You opened up the bag, grabbing the lighter fluid and handing it to Dean. He opened it and started covering the body with it. “Can’t believe they stuffed him in a cabinet,” he said.

“They were psycho’s,” you deadpanned. You couldn’t take your eyes off of the dead body and the only reason you did was because an exam table flew across the room, knocking Dean on his back.

Ellicott’s body crawled on top of Dean’s, his fingers on his temple. “Don’t be afraid, I’m going to help you,” the spirit said as Dean groaned out in pain. Snap out of it, you thought to yourself as your eyes were glued to Dean and Ellicott. You thought of the body. The body covered with lighter fluid and then your eyes landed on the match. You lit it, throwing it on Ellicott’s body.

He removed himself from Dean, stood up, and then combusted. You covered your eyes as he went up in flames and then, nothing. Dean pushed himself up against the wall and you ran to him. “Are you okay?” You asked. He nodded, rubbing his side where the exam table hit.

“Sam,” he mumbled. You turned to the corner where Dean propped Sam’s body. He was awake and looking around dazed and confused. “You’re not gonna try and kill me again, are you?” Dean asked him, chuckling. He tried to get up but groaned out in pain.

“Let me help,” you offered. He put his arm in your hands and you pulled him up off the ground.

“No,” Sam said.

“Good, that would be awkward,” Dean joked.

+

The doors were no longer sealed shut and you three made your way to Kat and Gavin and then outside without a problem. After you bid your goodbyes to the kids, Sam turned to Dean and offered an apology. “I said some really awful things back there,” he said.

You didn’t know what happened before you showed up and you didn’t want to know. Sam had a lot of built up anger towards his brother and father and maybe even towards you and you wanted nothing to do with it.

“You remember it?” Dean sounded shocked. Like how a person doesn’t remember what they do while being possessed but Sam wasn’t possessed. All his anger just came flooding to the surface. It was him.

“Yeah but I couldn’t control it. I didn’t mean any of it,” Sam said.

“You didn’t, huh?”

“Of course not,” Sam said, shocked that Dean would ever think otherwise but if what Dean said was true about what Ellicott was doing then he must have meant some of it, deep down. Whatever it was. “Do we need to talk about this?” Sam asked.

“No. I’m not really in the sharing and caring kin dof mood,” Dean said, getting into the Impala. You let out a sigh and prepared for another car ride filled with tension and arguing. You wished that they could just let out all the things that were making them upset and be over it because you were done playing referee.

The ride to the hotel was quiet and quick and Dean fell asleep with no problem but Sam was tossing and turning in bed next to you, also keeping you awake. “Sam, stop it,” you cried, turning your back to him.

“Look at me,” he whispered. You sighed and did what he asked. Your faces only inches apart but you tried to ignore that and ignore his sleepy eyes and husky voice and messy hair. “You really think Dean thinks I meant that stuff I said?” He sounded sad.

“I don’t know what you said, Sam. So I can’t really say,” you admitted.

“I don’t want to get into it,” he sighed, laying on his back and looking up to the ceiling. “I just hate fighting with him. I hate all the awkwardness.”

“Me too,” you chuckled. Sam smiled and looked at you, his chin resting on his shoulder.

“Thanks,” he whispered. “For everything.” You nodded and Sam licked his lips and you guys were still so close and his head leaned down a little bit, getting closer and closer to you and his eyes were dancing from your eyes to your lips and this was it, you screaming in your head. He was going to kiss you. His lips were almost touching yours when the phone rang and you jumped and Sam turned to look at his brother, who was dead asleep.

“Get it,” you said. Sam grabbed the phone off of the nightstand. “Hello?” You couldn’t hear what was happening on the other line but Sam shot straight up. “Dad?”

tagged: @matchamendes @stuckupstucky @sillydecoy @jessewa26 @kaelyn-lobrutto24@liztorr1212 @icanreadbookstoo  rachael-mae

[floral-and-phaning]

I’m Scared

I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into. I have this friend who everyone says is crazy but I don’t think she is. She’s just a bit homocidal and schizophrenic and honestly I like that about her. But one thing that might be kinda alarming is she kinda sorta likes the taste of blood...She thinks creepypastas are real and that Eyeless Jack is her half brother. (I know you’re probably gonna say this is an unhealthy relationship and I need to stay away from her but I don’t care.) She tries to strangle me daily which honestly I don’t mind because my friend who’s much bigger than her can just tell her to stop and pull her off(@thedramallama19)But recently she began self harming and in the past couple weeks she’s been cutting her hands and drinking the blood from the cuts. But a few days ago she said she was curious as to what other people’s blood tastes like. I wasn’t too surprised when she came up to me yesterday and asked to “taste my blood” and it didn’t make me too uncomfortable to fulfill her request considering I have a history of self harm and I like to consider myself clean for the past few months. So this morning she took me into the bathroom and handed me her pocket knife she keeps with her at all times(even thought she could get in a lot of trouble at school). She asked me to cut my hand and I did because...honestly I don’t even know why I did. Luckily, the bell rang and we had to go to homeroom(which is only like 10 minutes). After homeroom during passing period she told me to come with her to the bathroom and she said a strange prayer and then grabbed my hand and began to lick my still bleeding hand and then bite around the wound and suck. Since the knife was pretty dull, there wasn’t much so she wants me to try again after school with a sharper pair of scissors.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I can’t say no because she’s going through something really hard right now and I feel like telling her no would make things worse. Plus if I tell her no she might not wanna be my friend anymore.

[ithisatanytime]

I rant about kai the hitchhiker and make up a part of the brain that doesn’t exist... yet

 I couldnt fucking believe for how long people believed this guy, i mean... fucking LISTEN to him talk. he appeared on jimmy kimmel off the back of this murder. about a year after this original video, i saw another youtube video where these guys heard “Kai” talking about his surfing prowess, so they took him surfing and taped it. they knew he couldnt fucking surf, and boy was it fun to watch him try to fake it. shortly thereafter, Kai the hero, found himself committing another justifiable homocide. as the man he killed and robbed while he was sleeping in bed, had tried to rape him. “what would you do if you woke with the taste of blood and... in your mouth and this old dude like totally took advantage of you’ to which one of his facebook friends responded “kill him with a hatchet” to which kai replied “precisely my dear boy” i am paraphrasing but you get the picture. of course his story didnt stand up to even a little bit of scrutiny, and hes just a sociopathic lair who thinks he can kill anyone so long as he throws the R word them post mordem. even his first totally justifiable homocide that probably wasnt a cold blooded murder he lied about, he drops it late in the video. i also found kai comes from a troubled home, actually he came from a fairely normal home, but they were troubled by kai, he was constantly in trouble at school to the point he had to be sent to some kind special deal (i know how that goes) and if im not mistaken he had numerous run ins with the law and was diagnosed clinical with some kind of psychiatric disorder as part of a court thing. the details are a little fuzzy as i havent thought about this in a pretty long time. honestly his story, his history, all that had very little to do with why this gets to me so much, its beause he lies worse than a child, his voice is clearly put on, every word out of his mouth is to aggrandize himself in the eyes of others in a way that comes off as cunning, but what it really comes down to is i could just tell and it made me want to rip my fucking eyes out becaues it was so obvious, some primordial alarm bells going off in areas of the brain, complex structures specifically evolved to detect deception, if thats not already a thing nuerologists are aware of i promise they’ll find it. we all have it. but some people watched this video and went “that guys a hero” something about that goes down wrong with me in a way i dont understand.

[artificialqueens]

I Look Spooky but I’m Really Nice; the Saga Continues (Vatya/Sashea/Katlaska) - Remény

If this somehow gets posted twice, I’m sorry!!

If you want to read where the story all began, which I suggest, you can find it here. If you want to read the first part of this continuance, click here. 

TW: illicit drugs by names, character death (well technically she is already dead but I’d rather put it in just in case) blood, hospitals

Just a few words of thanks, if you’ll bear with me, and then we’ll get back to Sasha being possessed by a HOMOcidal (hehehe getit?) maniac

Thank you to Tiff and Vixen for tirelessly running this blog, it’s really appreciated and I don’t say it as often as I should.

Feedback really makes my day, I really love talking with people, so I wanted to say thank you to @civonumist and @leelovesbelli, sorry for scaring the crap out of you Lee! Well I’m kind of sorry but I’m glad you liked it!

Thanks for the constant encouragement from my squad of awesome nerds who write about drag queens and play ACPC with me.

Ok I’m done, not back to the story!

Love and Glitter,

Remény

I just laid there for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. Then I remembered Aja, they still weren’t moving. I pulled myself over to them and shook their shoulder, “Aja! AJA! Wake up!” I put my hand on their chest, thankfully they were still breathing. I lay flat on the floor so my mouth was beside their ear. “C’Mon Aja!”

They sat bolt upright, coughing and breathing like the wind had been knocked out of them and looking around frantically and hugging themselves around the middle. I made them jump when I said, “over here Aj!”

They looked at me, blinking a few times in confusion. “Where’s your chair?” They asked in a gravelly voice, grimacing and rubbing their neck.

“Sasha…er Sharon took it!”

Aja mouthed the word “BITCH!” and let out a grunt of frustration.

“Aja, we got bigger fish to fry. I need your help, we have to warn Katya, can you find my cellphone? It should be on my bed.” Aja tried to scramble up and fell back with a cry of pain. They tried again, gritting their teeth. “Easy Aj! You’re injured. Just stay down! Do you have your phone on you?”

They shook their head, “no, I forgot it. Otherwise I would have called you before I showed up.” They tried to get up again and grunted in pain.

“Just stop it! Lay down! You’re gonna hurt yourself worse. I have an idea.” I dragged myself over to my bed and yanked on my blanket until it fell, my phone clattering down with it. I reached for it, fumbling it before getting a better grip. I managed to roll myself onto my back, jabbing in Katya’s number.

Aja laid on the floor again curled on their side, pulling in ragged little breaths as they tried to control their breathing. I didn’t know if they were hyperventilating from shock or if Sharon had done some kind of damage to their throat.

Katya’s number rang and rang and finally clicked to voicemail. “Hey Kat! Listen, this sounds crazy but trust me, DO NOT tell Sasha where you are! Call me back please, it’s an emergency. I’m so scared. I love you!”

I hung up and texted her, Don’t tell Sasha where you are! It’s important! Trust me! Please call me!

I wiggled my way the few feet over to Aja. I put my hand on her back and she jumped, “it’s just Violet, she’s gone Aja.” They nodded but didn’t say anything. “Where are you hurt? Do you need me to call an ambulance? Oh shit, you’re bleeding.” I don’t know why I didn’t see it before except that side of their head was turned away from me before they had laid down again. There was a slick dark puddle by my bed that was slowly seeping into the lavender coloured blanket I had pulled to the floor. My stomach lurched.  I reached over and pulled a dark T-Shirt out and pressed it to the side of Aja’s head, they let out a little hiss of pain. “Sorry! Sorry! Shit! Hold that!” They raised a shaky hand to hold the cloth in place.

I reached up, barely reaching the bed bar as I labouriously pulled myself to sitting, switched on my bedside lamp and then dragged myself backwards over to my large closet, pulling the folding door open. I swear I heard the hallelujah chorus go off in my head as the light shined onto my old beat up chair that I used to play wheelchair basketball.

I was pushing it out of the closet when my phone buzzed. I abandoned the chair and scooted back to my phone.

There was a text from Katya.

Katya - Why? It’s too late anyway, she offered to drive me and whoever else could fit in Shea’s car back home. She was acting kind of funny, like she might be drunk or high, she refused to speak in Russian. Was she drinking? Is she unsafe to drive? I’m confused because I thought she was supposed to be taking care of you!  Did you guys have a fight?You didn’t kick her out, did you?

I hit redial and it went directly to voicemail. “Dammit Kat, call me back!” I threw my phone in my hoodie pocket and went back to Aja, who was still laying on their side, mouth open and staring blankly ahead but their unblinking eyes weren’t focusing on anything. “Hey Aja, what can I do? Do you need me to call an ambulance? AJA!” They didn’t respond for a second and I had pulled out my phone to dial 911 when they shifted and took a deep breath, eyes darting all over. “Shhh hey hey hey, easy Aj! Are you ok? Talk to me? Do you need me to call someone?”

“No sis, I think I’m ok, I think the wind got knocked out of me. I’m just in shock. I got a wicked headache and my neck is killing me.”

“No wonder!” I opened a drawer and grabbed a few of the instant ice packs Katya insisted I keep on hand after my foot injury. I smacked them and passed them over before going back over to my chair and hefting myself into it. I rolled over and held a hand out to Aja, “do you think that you can sit up? Slowly!”

They nodded and with many grunts and moans, we managed to get them propped against the side of my bed, both of us out of breath.

I was just passing Aja a wet cloth for their bleeding head when my phone rang, making us jump.

“Hello? Katya is that you?”

“No it’s Shea, how ya feeling?”

“I’ve been better but much better than this afternoon. Listen, I have to leave the line open because Kat is going to call me about one of our friends who was in surgery.”

“Oh ok, no problem. It’s just…” she paused and I expected her to hit on me or something, “is Sasha there? I’m sorry for calling so early but I’m kindof worried, she’s not answering her phone and I was hoping if you were feeling well enough, that Sash could run out real quick and drive me home. I hate working nights and I’m exhausted because I worked a 14 hour shift. If I go on the bus, I’m gonna fall asleep and miss my stop.”

“N..n..no she had to go grab a few things at the store for us. Maybe her phone died? I mean she was probably on it when she was bored out of her mind during the day while I was sleeping.”

“Good point. When she comes back, can you have her call me?”

“How about I do you one better, I’ll go on my Lyft app and get you a ride? I’m happy to help since you helped me this afternoon. I don’t know when Sasha will be back, she just said she had to pick up a few things and was going to grab me some soup and ginger ale. Does that work?”

“The good ol’ you wash my back, I’ll wash yours kinda thing?” She purred and then yawned loudly. “Yeah, just text me the deets, I know you need to get off the phone, I hope your friend is ok!”

“Thanks Shea! Bye!”

“Bye gorgeous.”

@@@@JAX@@@@

“Do you have anything for pain?” Aja asked.

“Yep. Are you sure we shouldn’t get you to a hospital?” I passed them water, a bottle of Advil, a bottle of tylenol and then passed over my percocet. Ok I know I shouldn’t share meds but one of my best friends was just thrown across the room like they were a rag doll, some of the most gruesome bruises I’d ever seen were blooming around their neck from a friend possessed by a sociopath.

“Nah sis, I’m fine. Just a little beat up. Ask me again when the adrenaline wears off. Holy shit! That was unreal!” The somewhat rye look on their face slid off to be replaced by a look of sheer panic.

“What?”

“If Sharon’s soul or whatever is in Sasha’s body, where is Sasha’s?” They asked in a high pitched squeak.

I ran my hand through my hair, “shit, I don’t know! I’m calling Katya again.”

I fished my phone out and pulled up my Lyft app and quickly ordered Shea a ride before I could forget. Just as I finished, my phone rang, startling me so bad that I almost dropped it.

“Katya, is that you?”

“Da is me! Vhat is wrong? Vhat happened?”

“Ok listen, I’ll explain it but first you need to know that you CAN’T let Sasha see or talk to Alaska! Do you still carry around that little bottle of holy water?” I always teased Katya about carrying it but she promised her devout Christian Orthodox Mom that she would keep it on her and I hoped with every fibre of my being that she had kept that promise.

“Yes, of course! I promised my Mama. Vhy?”

“Ok when Sasha gets there, you need to throw it at her.”

Katya laughed, “vhat are you even talking about?”

“Ok this sounds crazy but Aja is my witness that this really happened!”

“Oh Aja’s there? Tell her ayo sis!” Katya giggled.

“Kat FOCUS!” I snapped.

“Ok, ok!”

“So the girl in the mirror came back.”

“Vi, you had really bad fever today, are you sure that you didn’t dream it?”

“Yekatarina no. Listen to me! Unless it’s some kinda weird shared dream bullshit it happened! So Sasha and I were sleeping and Aja woke us up when she knocked on the window.”

“Why vas Aja at house in middle of night?”

I sighed in frustration, “Pearl kicked her out for the night but that’s besides the point!”

“Ok! Ok! Take deep breath love.”

“There is no time for breathing!” I said panicky, “so Sasha had brought her Ouija board and we were talking to the girl in the mirror and then Sasha said she would just channel her because she had done that before for her aunt and then Sharon, the girl from the mirror, kinda jumped Sasha and took off! She said she had to reach Alaska but I don’t know if she wants to hurt Alaska or not!”

“I know it’s October but it’s not hallowe’en yet.” Katya said with a little chuckle.

“IT’S NOT A JOKE! If you don’t believe me, can you at least trust me please!” I begged, “she is really strong, I mean Sasha is a twig but it’s like Sharon is strong. She threw Aja across the room by their throat and hit me and knocked me out of my chair and she stole my chair so I couldn’t come after her.”

“VHAT!! And you are promising me that this isn’t a joke?”

“No it’s not, I swear to you! You have to trust me Kitty Kat, please believe me!” I started crying in frustration and panic. “I really want to make sure you and Alaska are ok. I’m so scared,” I sobbed.

“Ok shhh love, please don’t cry, I believe you. Are you ok? Did you do your checks to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself when you fell? Is Aja hurt?”

“She’s pretty banged up,” I looked over at a slouched over Aja, I think they may have fallen asleep, “I’m worried that they are really hurt. Sasha…I mean well Sharon technically really threw them and they have some really nasty bruises on their neck and they split their head open, I haven’t been able to see how bad it is. I’m just really more scared she’s gonna hurt you or Alaska so you have to hit her with the water when she gets there and keep her from Alaska but be careful! Promise me that you will videochat me when she gets there?”

“I promise, go look after Aja, call an ambulance if you think you should! Do your checks please and don’t forget, you have a spare chair in your closet.”

“ I will, I promise, I remembered about my chair. Please be careful and keep you and Alaska safe. I’m so scared. I love you!”

“I’ll go to Alaska’s room now. I will keep her safe. I’ll tell you when she gets here.”

“By the way, where are you?”

“We’re in San Mateo.”

“That’s only 25 minutes away so she will be there soon! Get to Alaska Kat. Right now! Lie and say that you’re her sister if you have to to get in to see her because I guarantee Sharon is going to fight dirty. You will know Sasha is back by asking her what her nickname for me was today. She called me kukolka.”

Katya let out a little giggle but quickly got somber, “I’m on my way to Alaska. I’ll video chat when I get there. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I went to Aja, they were asleep but there was still a trickle of blood seeping through their light purple hair. They stirred when I slipped the cloth out of their hand and parted their hair so I could get a better look at the cut. It was only about an inch across, about an inch and a half above their right ear. I grabbed the water bottle off the floor and poured some in the cut, using the cloth to catch the drips.

“What are you doing?” Aja whined, pulling her head away to give me a dirty look. “Did you get a hold of Katya?”

“Stay still!” I commanded, putting pressure on the cut, making them grimace. “Yes I got a hold of Katya, she is going to call back once she gets to Alaska.”

“Good! Do you have to press so hard sis?” Aja complained.

“Yeah I do because you won’t stop bleeding SIS!”

Aja yawned, their eyes were drooping, “I’m so tired.”

“Do you think you can try to get into my bed?”

“I can try.” they took a deep breath and turned so they were on their knees, holding themselves up with one arm, letting out a little grunt.

“Use my chair.” I said, throwing on the brakes so they could grab the side of my chair to heave themselves up, they crumpled on the bed. “You ok?”

“Yeah,” they panted as they struggled to stay awake, “I’m ok. Wake me up when you hear from Katya?” I nodded and their eyes fluttered and closed.

So I sat silently, waiting and worrying with my phone in my lap, clutched in my hand so hard that my knuckles were white. What was taking Katya so long to call me back and should I take Aja to the hospital?

My facetime rang, Aja didn’t even stir so I let them sleep. Katya’s face popped onto the screen, she had an arm around a shaking Sasha.

Alaska was sobbing in the background and screaming “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT! DAMN YOU KATYA!” Monitors were going off and several medical people rushed in. It was sheer pandemonium as they punted Sasha and Katya out of the room. Sasha needed to be supported to walk and she slid down the wall outside Alaska’s room. Katya followed suit and I got a brief glimpse of Alaska, red faced and sobbing while the nurses tried to calm her and hold her down.

“Hello Kukolka.” Sasha breathed, wiping at the steady stream of tears that cascaded down her face.

Katya was just opening her mouth to speak when a deep male voice said, “you have to move ma'ams, you’re upsetting the patient in there and I’ve been asked to escort you to the waiting room. Is she ok?”

Katya rattled off a string of Russian to Sasha who responded shakily. “Da, I mean yes, she is ok. Just upset. Can you help me get her up?” A big black mountain of a man in a dark blue security uniform came into view on the other side of Sasha as they heaved her up. The blinds in Alaska’s room were drawn but I could still hear her raging, although she seemed to be winding down like a toy with a run down battery.

Katya and the security guard sat Sasha down, she was still shaking so violently that her teeth were clacking together.

“So what happened?” I asked after a moment of stunned silence.

It looked like the waiting room was virtually abandoned but Katya’s voice still dropped to a whisper. “Vell vhen I go to Alaska’s room. Sasha or I guess Sharon was standing over bed. Sharon vas saying something to Alaska. Her eyes were really wide, she looked taken aback at vhatever Sharon vas saying. I said something in Russian and vhen Sasha did not respond but she just kind of growled at me and turned back to Alaska. So I dumped the bottle of holy vater on her head and told Sharon to leave in Jesus name. Sasha fainted but I caught her. Then-” Katya trailed off for a minute, looking nervous because the guard was back but he had just brought Sasha a blanket that he draped across her shoulders and set a styrofoam cup of steaming tea on the table beside her. Sasha smiled sweetly and thanked him and he left again. “Then Alaska started to freak out, I tried to explain that Sasha vas not herself, that even though it sounded unbelievable that she vas possessed by girl from mirror of room 121 and then Alaska just freaked out more! I mean you saw her, she was enraged. I do not understand what happened.”

Sasha was quiet through this explanation, just sadly staring off into space. A nurse came over to them and asked, “Is one of you Sasha? Are you ok Miss?”

“Yes, I’m Sasha.” Sasha responded, smiling slightly at her. “I’m ok.”

“Um Alaska is asking for you to go see her, but she made it clear that she wants only you. She’s a little drowsy because we gave her medication to calm down but she insists that she won’t rest until she can talk to you. It’s really important that she rests so if you could come see her for a moment, I’m sure it would set her mind at ease to make sure you are ok. Do you know what got her so worked up to begin with?”

“I think that she vas maybe upset about the bus accident?” Katya offered.

“Maybe, don’t worry about your friend, I’m sure she’ll be fine in a few hours. Sometimes anesthetic can have the side effect of making people feel angry for no reason. She may be asleep by the time you get to her room but she was quite adamant she needed to see you first.”

Sasha looked pale, she turned to Katya and they had a quick conversation in Russian and Sasha pulled the blanket off herself. She was still very shaky so the nurse put an arm around her waist and slowly walked Sasha away.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea for her to go in alone Kat?”

She nodded, “Sashinka said she had to go and hear her out, find out vhy she was so upset. See if she could get the story of vhat happened between Alaska and Sharon out of her.” Aja stirred and let out a little whimper behind me, making me jump as I’d completely forgotten they were there. “Is Aja ok? I haven’t told Sasha about vhat she did to you both, she just seems so shaky and upset already and everything happened so fast.”

“Tell her once she calms down a bit, it wasn’t really her, we both know that. I think they are ok. I’m not entirely convinced that I shouldn’t take them to a doctor to be honest.”

“Vait a minute, isn’t one of Aja’s friends doing a med school residency? Maybe he could come over and check them over?” She let out a little noise of frustration, “We met him that one time but I forget his name. Charles? Chandler? Chad?”

“Charlie, that’s a good idea. They forgot their phone at their house but maybe I can get his number from Pearl. I don’t want to wake Aj up if I can help it. I’m just worried they did some damage to their throat, the bruises are horrible,” I fretted. Aja had turned towards the wall so I couldn’t see their face and but their sides were rising and falling with their breath, so at least things were not swollen so much that it was cutting off their ability to breathe.

Sasha came out, still unbearably pale but looking reticent and reserved as she took a sip of her waiting tea with only slightly shaking hands.

We both just gaped at her but Katya was the first to break the silence, “vell? Vhat happened?”

“Well, I spoke to Alaska and she made a convincing argument so I said yes.”

Katya’s look of confusion mirrored my own. “Yes to what exactly Sasha?” I asked wearily. I was feeling weighed down and I was sure that the fever I’d been too preoccupied to notice was raging once again.

Sasha remained stoic and announced like it was the most normal thing in the world, “when Alaska is well enough to return home, I am going to channel Sharon again for her so they can talk.”

“WHAT? NO!” I shouted. Katya was immediately red faced with anger as she started yelling and swearing in Russian. I knew she was swearing because I had gotten her to teach me some of them when we first started talking.

Aja sat bolt upright, wheezing out, “Wazappenin’?” and letting out a grunt of pain and a cough. Their wide eyes darted around the room.

“Nothing Aj, go back to sleep.” I said calmly and patted their knee. They noticed I was on video chat and sat up and swung their legs so they were sitting on the side of the bed.

“M’ok! You were supposed to wake me up!” They mumbled. The bruises on their neck were turning deep purple. “Ayo sis’!”

Katya and Sasha stopped arguing for a moment, they both gasped, Sasha’s hand raising to her mouth. “Aja! Wha…what happened to you!? W…who attacked you?” Sasha stammered.

“Didn’t you tell her?” Aja said, sounding miffed and giving my shoulder a little cuff.

“Sorry, we hadn’t got there yet!”

“Tell me what?” Sasha asked, worry furrowing her brow so deeply it was almost a unibrow.

Katya reached over and held Sashinka’s hand and gently spoke in Russian. Sasha blanched even paler and her hands covered her mouth in shock as tears pooled in her eyes and trickled down her face as she let out a little sob. “I…I did that?”

“No Sasha, it wasn’t you. We both know that.” Aja said softly.

“I actually threw you across the room? How? And I don’t know where your chair is Violet, I hope it’s not lost. What have I done?”

“This is vhy you can not do that again Sashinka!”

“But I have to. I promised! She needs help.”

“WAIT! Hold up sis,” Aja waved her pointer finger in the air, “you mean to fucking tell me that you are thinking of letting Sharon highjack your body AGAIN? Naw sis! No! That is NOT okay!” Aja said, immediately incensed.

“I never meant to hurt anyone but I made a promise to Alaska,” Sasha dropped her hands and then put them over her heart, “there’s so much heartache there, such loss, I can feel it. How can I not help if I have the ability to? I AM so sorry! Next time, maybe it can just be Alaska and I but I have to do this! My heart. My heart. I can’t say no! I can’t tell her no. I just can’t!” She sobbed and Katya pulled Sasha in for a hug as she blubbered onto her shoulder.

“Don’t cry Sasha, ve’ll figure something out.” Katya soothed, cupping Sasha’s little bald head in her hand as she held the distraught girl close while we exchanged worried looks. Katya murmured in Russian and then looked at the camera, “Vi, vhy don’t you take care of some things there,” her eyes momentarily flicked over to a groggy looking Aja who was barely staying upright,” and then ve vill touch base soon. My phone is going to die anyway so I vill have to find a plug in. I vill let you know vhen ve know anything about Alaska or vhen ve vill be home.”

“I have Shea’s car here,” Sasha offered as she sniffled. “Oh dammit, Shea!!” She smacked her head, “I don’t know where my phone is, she’s probably worried sick! I don’t even know where the car is!” Sasha puffed her cheeks out and blew out a breath of air.

“You are in no condition to drive silly Sashinka. Vell, ve vill just go have a look around and see if ve find it. You can call Shea from my phone. Violet, ve vill keep our eyes out for your chair. Let us know how things go there.”

“Ok, I love you both!”

“Ve love you too.” Katya said with a small lopsided smile, Sasha was back to crying.

“I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!” An anguished Sasha pleaded and then Kat’s battery must have died because the screen abruptly went black.

I opened up my texts and sent Shea a text.

Me - Shea, Sasha went to go see Katya and bring back some of the girls on the team, she said she can’t seem to find her cell so I just wanted to let you know she’s ok.

Then I turned and passed my phone to Aja, who just looked at it dumbly. “Call your friend Charlie and see if he can come and check you over. Your neck is looking gruesome and it needs to be checked out.”

“I don’t want to bug him.”

“Ok, you have two fucking options Aj,” I said firmly while I glared at them, “you can call Charlie and see if he can come check you out or we can go to the hospital where they likely have to report it and I don’t think they will take the whole my friend was possessed plea.”

“Riiiight!” Aja sighed and tapped away at my phone while I pulled up my fuzzy pant legs and hastily checked my lower limbs over. I had good sized bruises blooming on my knees, which must have hit first. My wrists were a bit sore from taking the brunt of my weight when I fell to protect my face and head. My ribs hurt and I wondered if my knees ran into them on my way down, I couldn’t remember how I fell because it happened so fast. I lifted up my shirt a little, sure enough I had two faint bruises.

“You still in one piece? What happened after she tossed me?”

“I think I’m ok, my wrists are a bit sore from bracing myself when I fell. I tried to stop her from leaving, she said she didn’t want to hurt me but she would if she had to. Well apparently she felt she had to because when I wouldn’t move she backhanded me really hard which caused me to fall out of my chair and then she grabbed my chair and said she was taking it so I couldn’t stop her. That she was unstoppable.” Goosebumps multiplied on my arms and down my neck, making me shiver and wrap my arms around myself.

“Hopefully your chair is just in Shea’s trunk. It better be!” Aja grumbled. “Charlie said he’ll be here in 15 minutes or so, I was kind of vague so he’ll probably bring way too much stuff until he knows what he’s dealing with. Does Sasha wear rings by any chance?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You might wanna check out your face sis.” They suggested with a grimace.

I sped over to my vanity and sure enough there were 3 long angry scratches across my red and purple cheek. “Fuuuck! Now how the fuck am I gonna cover THOSE up?”

“I dunno sis, how the fuck am I gonna cover THIS up?” They said, flailing their hand at their neck before going back to hugging themselves like they couldn’t get warm. They had a point.

“I have some scarves, I mean most are bandanas from my neckerchief phase.”

“I remember that!” They said with a little chuckle, “not your best look sis!”

I pretended to be shocked, “how DARE you!! I was young and stupid back then! I didn’t know any better!”

“Back then? Biiiiitch, it was like a month ago!” They laughed and then screwed up their face in pain, pulling the ice packs up to their neck.

I was opening my mouth to ask if they were ok when there was a soft knock on the door, it reminded me of the tap, tap, tap on the mirror and a shiver ran through me. I couldn’t help glancing nervously at the mirror, Sharon wasn’t there. I didn’t think she would be but it never hurts to check. There was a more insistent knock and I realized I was probably too busy staring at the damn mirror. I shook myself like a pissed off cat that got stuck in the rain and opened the door.

Aja was not joking about Charlie bringing a shit tonne of stuff! He had a bag in one hand and a red fucking suitcase on wheels with a giant white cross on it. Subtle. Reeeal subtle!

“Hi Violet and Aja.” Charlie said with his faint british accent. He was a bit older than most of the other students but he had a ready smile and a certain charm about him. “Bloody hell! What happened to you Aja?!” He exclaimed, he grabbed their chin and turned their head to get a better look at the side of their head where the blood was a stark contrast to their light purple hair.

Aja sucked air, they let one of their ice packs go to whack his hand away. “Jesus! Easy Charlie!”

Charlie sat down hard on the side of the bed, “what the hell happened to you Aja?!” We were both silent, “no, I need to know who did that Aj, what happened to you? What happened here?” Charlie looked from Aja to me and back.

Aja and I both spoke at once.

“Rough foreplay?” Aja blurted.

“Their ex!” I babbled.

Aja thought quick, thank God! They tried to keep their face serious but the corners of their mouth twitched, “Yes ok, I have an ex who’s into some rough shit. We just got carried away? Vi’s just a giant worry wart and made me call you.”

“She was right to! And this cut on your head?”

“Wellllll, I kinda passed out and they’re a bad catch?”

“Hmmm.” Charlie said but didn’t say anymore.

He cleaned Aja’s cut and used this weird glue to shut it which made them yelp as they exclaimed that it stung like a bitch. He noticed they were holding their arms against their stomach, “may I?” Aja nodded, biting their lip as they pulled up their shirt to reveal a long bruise across the same side they fell on. Charlie felt around while Aja tried and failed to hold in their whimpers of pain. I had a sinking feeling in my gut and felt like I might throw up, I didn’t think they were hurt anywhere else and cursed at myself for not noticing. No wonder they couldn’t get up.

Charlie had a deep look of concentration as he listened to their chest, getting them to breathe in and out a few times. He sighed, “You definitely bruised or possibly broke a few ribs. I think you are ok all things considered but I would lay off of that stuff. ” Charlie said with a disapproving glare at Aja, “you’re going to be hoarse for the next few days or you might temporarily lose your voice all together. I wanna check in on you in a day or two or sooner if anything gets worse but I’m glad you called. Now what happened to you Violet?” Charlie turned my scratched face so he could scrutinize it in better light.

I brought my hand up to my cheek. Once again Aja and I spoke in unison.

“Jealous ex!” Aja spat out.

“Bar fight?” I interjected but it was more like a question than a statement, now it was my turn to think fast, “yeah I guess my ex didn’t know I was dating someone new and kinda lost it and backhanded me across the face.”

“Hmmm,” he said again, “well make sure that you put something on it at night to keep it from drying out. There will be less chance of scarring. I have to go but” Charlie shot a dark look at me but sternly spoke to them, “Aja tell your ex to knock it off.” He turned his withering glare to Aja, “and Violet, I would recommend you stay away from your ex too. Do you need a ride home Aja?” He added gently.

Aja and I looked at each other, finally cottoning on to what he was talking about. We both burst out laughing.

“He thinks…” I giggled.

“We’re each other’s exes!” Aja wheezed and coughed, holding their side as they laughed.

“No?” Charlie asked looking simultaneously amused and confused, a cute little flush of pink creeped up his neck.

“Charlie, I like boys! And I’m pretty sure that my good sis over there is not a boy. And Vi is totally not my type anyway!”

“Ditto!” I squeaked out, still trying to hold my laughter in, “I mean about Aj not being my type, not about boys, ew!”

“More for me!” Aja teased.

“Ok, answer me one question.” His face turning worried as his voice dropped to a whisper, “are you both safe?”

Aja grabbed Charlie’s hand and looked at him seriously, “it’s a really long story we don’t to get you involved in it because it’s a dramatic mess right now but we’re both safe. I promise. That person can’t hurt us again. They’ve left and they’re not coming back.”

Charlie gave us some parting instructions and sighed deeply again, “ok, I’ll check in with you later,” before wheeling his suitcase back out with a dorky little wave.

We both let out a breath of air. I went over and grabbed a few more ice packs, “lay back and put these on your ribs fool.” A whine crept into my voice as I grabbed their hand, “why didn’t you tell me you were hurt so bad?”

“I was worried that you would make me go to the hospital.” They panted as they laid back with a loud groan.

“God!” I exclaimed, “now I know what you and Katya must feel like when I’m too much of a dumb ass to go to the doctor!”

“I know right?”

“The emphasis is on YOU being a dumb ass right now, just to make it clear!” I cracked.

They giggled and then sucked air like the wind had been knocked out of them. “Well at least you know what it feels like now!”

I grabbed the throw pillows at the bottom of my bed and lifted their legs a few inches to shove the pillows underneath before setting them back down slowly.

“Thanks sis.” Aja mumbled, sounding half asleep.

“No problem sis,” I chuckled, “go to sleep!”

They lifted their head up, “wait, where are you going sleep? Get up here,” they patted the bed beside them.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” I reassured them, wiping a hand across my sweaty forehead, “I don’t want to make you sick!”

“Sis, I just got thrown across the room by a fucking supernaturally charged Twiggy. Perspective bitch.” They chuckled and grunted in pain again.

I guffawed, “True! True!” I went over to my nightstand and pulled the anti-nausea meds over, hoping to calm my rolling stomach. “What if I lay with my head down at the bottom, maybe that will help you not get the plague? I don’t mind sleeping on the floor! Actually I could just sleep in the ugly orange chair, it reclines,” I looked over at Aja, their face was relaxed with one hand resting across their ribs, soundly asleep already. They looked so young as I pulled a fleece Stanford blanket over them.

I grabbed a hoodie out from my drawer for a pillow and pulled my bathrobe down from the hook to cover myself with. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep with my whirring mind but as soon as I leaned back in the chair, my eyes drifted shut.

I woke up to a key being put in the lock of my door, I felt my eyes get huge as the handle of my door seemed to turn painfully slow, they flicked over in Aja’s direction but they were still knocked out.

The door creaked open and my chair was rolled in, I expected to see Katya peek her head in and was surprised at who it was.

“Max? What are you doing here?”

The long grey haired beauty put a hand on her chest, saw Aja and whispered, “gracious! You scared me! I’m sorry that I just let myself in but I heard you weren’t well and then someone found your chair in the quad and I got really concerned. I was going to knock but I didn’t know if you’d be able to get to the door, I suppose I should have knocked though. I’m sorry! Did someone take your chair? Are you ok? You look awfully pale,” The classic beauty fretted and looked completely scandalised, but to be honest, she looked like that a lot!

“Someone must have taken my chair! I didn’t notice!” I said dumbly but Max’ eyes flicked to my beat-up chair beside me and she pressed her lips together and gave me a look. Well fuck!

Max sighed as she hovered in the doorway with a hand on her cocked hip, “may I come in?”

I waved her in, “of course!”

She pushed my chair in and picked the chair Aja was sitting in up from the floor where it had fallen when Aja stood up so abruptly earlier and sat down facing me.

“So what happened? Gracious! What did you do to your face girl? Is someone harassing you? Did someone attack you?” She exclaimed, bringing a hand up to her pearls. She looked over at Aja, her eyes widened and she did a double take, staring at their neck and then down at the drying puddle of blood that I must have rolled through at one point as there was now a gruesome tire track of crimson across my floor. Well shit! Max’ brow furrowed, she wrung her hands and murmured gravely. “It’s clear that we should be speaking with campus security and the police Violet. When they tracked me down to bring me your chair, I said I’d take care of it but I think that you need more help than just I can provide and you both need to see a doctor!”

“We both got checked out by a doctor and I’ve seen two doctors in the past like 12 hours, you know how anxious they make me, please don’t make me!” I begged, hoping I looked the right enough amount of pitiful for her to relent but not pitiful enough for her to insist.

“I know you don’t like them but it’s clear that SOMETHING went on here. Anyone horrendous enough to attack two girls in their dorm and steal someone’s wheelchair should be arrested and brought to justice!” She said, passion igniting in her eyes. “Did you fill out a police report when you got checked out?”

“No, I had a friend of a friend come here to check us out. They’re in their last year or two of residency. It’s hard for me to get around in this old clunker of a chair, it weighs like 3 times my normal chair.” I was purposely vague as the last thing I wanted was for Charlie to get into trouble over all of this.

She crossed her arms, “well thankfully, you have your chair back so you can go.”

I knew what I had to do, I am not proud of knowing Max’ weakness. I burst into tears, I had been through a bunch of shit the past day. I was worried about Katya and Alaska and Sasha and this crazy idea of hers that she should pull that shit again. I was worried and scared and so it wasn’t hard and my breakdown was only partially fake. “Please Max? I can’t! I just can’t. I can’t explain what happened, I can promise that it won’t happen again and I can promise we’re safe. Can’t that be good enough?” My stomach lurched and I managed to get out an “uh oh” and then promptly ralphed all over the floor.

I don’t know if it was the crying or the barfing but Max seemed to relent, her face softening as she handed me the bucket, “shhh it’s ok! Don’t work yourself up so much Vi! Deep breaths.” She disappeared out the door momentarily and came back with a bucket, rag, dish gloves and cleaner and started to clean the floor.

“Max, you don’t have to do that!”

“It’s no bother! I don’t mind at all! But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about you Violet and I’m not someone who lies.” She said primly, “Did you want me to take this to the laundry?” She asked in a whisper, holding the bloody lavender blanket out at arm’s reach, giving it a dirty look like it had offended her.

“No, I don’t think it’ll come out and it’s making me nauseous just looking at it. Just throw it in the closet please, if you don’t mind. I’ll take care of it later.”

“No it’s ok, I’ll take care of it.” Max disappeared out of the room again with the bucket but returned in a moment. Max still looked worried, her angular face looked pinched. “What else can I do for you? What do you need?”

“Can you pass me my meds please?” I asked, pointing to my bedside table, “I think there might be a ginger ale in the back of the fridge too, if you don’t mind.” I felt bad asking her but maybe if I could keep her busy, she wouldn’t over think not calling the police. I let my head flop back and turned to look at Aja who was still out cold. Max looked down at them for a moment with pity in her eyes before rustling around in the fridge, finding a ginger ale and handing it to me.

“Thanks, ugh I’m sorry Max,” I said, as she handed me everything.

“You can’t help it love, are you sure I can’t convince you to report this? I’m worried.”

“I know you’re worried, I don’t want you to get into trouble and I know you don’t like to lie but can we just say my chair being out in the parking lot was a prank or something? I dunno…or anything?”

She pursed her lips and looked unhappy but sighed, “I truly don’t think that anyone will ask me about it, I reassured the girl that found it that I would make sure it was reported if it wasn’t an accident.”

“It was definitely an accident, the person wasn’t in their right mind when they did it.”

Max hurrumphed, “so it was someone you know?” Oh shit!

“Not really, I mean only in passing, I spoke to them today and they were very remorseful and I just don’t want to get them in trouble for something they really didn’t have control over.”

“Are they ok? Because someone who is sick or an addict is more likely to get help if they get reported.”

“Max, would you please just let it go? We’re safe, I promise you that. Okay?”

She sighed, “okay but if you change your mind…we can always report it. Do you want me to stay with you?”

I shook my head and yawned, “no I’m ok, I’m just going to go back to sleep I think. I’m so tired.”

“Well I guess I will check in on you in a wee bit, you have my number so please use it if you need anything. Do you want me to get you some soup or tea while you’re still awake?”

My stomach lurched at the mere mention of food, so I shook my head. “No, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give my stomach anymore ammo if you know what I mean?”

“True, true. Well I hope you feel better,” Max leaned over and kissed the top of my head, “take something for your fever and tell your friend I hope they feel better.”

“Yes mother,” I said sweetly and batted my lashes.

“Smart ass,” Max mumbled and chuckled on her way out, closing the door softly behind her with a click.

I must have passed out again, the next time I woke up, the door was being unlocked and turning again.

The door opened a bit and then paused, people whispering out in the hall, “come on in Max, I’m awake.” I called.

A familiar blonde face appeared, wearing a giant grin, and whispering, “hey! Sorry, ve vanted to peek in and see how you vere. You look terrible love!”

“Gee thanks! Please don’t come any closer. And we?”

Sasha poked her head in, she looked like she’d been crying her eyes out. “Hi,” she said in barely a whisper, she looked from Aja to me and burst into loud sobs, running into the bathroom and locking the door.

Aja stirred and let out a little moan.

“Oh dear, Sasha’s been doing that all afternoon.” Katya shook her head.

“Any news on ‘Lasky? Is Farrah ok?”

“Farrah is well drugged, Kimora is taking care of her. Hopefully she’ll be nice but if she isn’t Farrah probably won’t remember it anyway. Alaska should be back tomorrow, she has a bit of a hard road ahead of her with the pins in her leg. She can’t even put any weight on it for a few weeks, she’s actually going to be moving in two doors down in the accessible room for a bit since she’s on the 2nd floor of her apartment and there is no elevator. It’s kind of lucky that girl dropped out.”

“Poor ‘Lasky! That’s horrible,” I frowned.

“Hey you found your chair! That might help cheer Sashinka up?” Katya put her mouth up to the door and said in a slightly sing-song voice usually used to calm the very young, “Sashinka, they found Vi’s chair, I told you that it vould turn up. Pleeease stop crying dear. It’s not your fault.” Sasha seemed to cry even harder and louder.

“Oh shit, mother fucker!” Aja exclaimed with a groan. “Ouch!”

“Good morning sunshine.” I said in a bright sunny voice, “Kat, can you give Aj these please?” I handed Katya my prescription pain meds and she gave me a questioning look but took them over, helping Aja sit up seemed to be difficult but Katya pulled a bunch of pillows behind them so they could sit up before taking one of the pills gratefully from her.

I dragged my carcass out of the orange chair and into my own, going over to the bathroom door and putting my hand on it, “Sash, please come out. Please? I can’t talk to you through a door.”

“Ayo sis, get out here!” Aja tried to yell but it came out a gravelly, squeaky mess. It seemed to have some effect because the door slowly creaked open and Sasha hesitantly peeked her red, tear streaked face out. Aja smiled and patted the bed beside them, Sasha took a deep breath and then slunk out of the bathroom like an animal that got caught doing something wrong. Aja pulled one of Sasha’s hands away from her face, I rolled over and patted her knee. “Listen sis, I know I don’t know you well at all and half of that time, you were possessed by an evil, raging, bitch-monster.” That earned Aja a little watery chuckle from Sasha, “bottom line, we both know that this wasn’t your fault. I gotta be honest though, the idea of you putting yourself or us through that again is pretty damn scary to me.”

“Ve have a plan for that!” Katya announced triumphantly. We gathered around like a football team while Katya shared her and Sash’s plan.

Needless to say, I did not stay in my room after dark for the next 2 nights. I slept at Katya and Trixie’s, who’s new nickname was Tracie since old Professor Tempest couldn’t seem to remember her name.

We helped a miserable and pale looking Alaska move into her new digs the day she was released from the hospital 2 days ago. She was using a wheelchair and had to keep her leg propped up on pillows. I showed her a few tricks to getting around, just in case she wanted to go out. Alaska was pretty much despondent when she did reply and I knew nothing of what anyone said to her before tonight’s gathering with Sasha would sink in.

We went out with Sasha and Aja for a late night snack before we were due to meet Alaska at 2 am. Aja looked horrible when they joined us at this greasy lil diner we’d discovered the other day, they were still walking slightly hunched over. Thankfully between some theatre grade foundation and powder, the cold snap and a guilty Sasha’s very ample turtleneck sweater collection no one seemed to see the dark bruises on Aj’s neck. Some of them were fading out to shades of green and yellow. As Charlie had predicted, Aja was completely horse still. I also had on a thick layer of foundation and I’d been wearing my hair so it hung over that side of my face instead of my usual ponytail.

Sasha was chasing her Julienne salad around her plate with her fork but not really eating any of it but a few pieces of tomato and a bit of the chicken, she was wearing a long thick cable knit grey sweater and red tights with little rhinestones on them. It was strange to see her head covered by a matching grey cap when it was normally so proudly and defiantly on display. She had dark bags under her eyes and a sallow tone.

“You know the food works better if you actually eat it, right?” Sasha didn’t appear to hear them, so Aja raised their voice, “AYO SIS!” Sasha’s head snapped up, “did you stone those tights yourself?”

Sasha smiled and shook her head. “No Shea’s friend Val made them. She’s obsessed with AB stones.”

“Vhat’s wrong Sashinka?” Katya put her hand on Sasha’s arm and she jumped out of her skin.

Sasha sighed, “Sorry. I am just worried that this won’t work, that somehow I won’t be able to do it or it will go wrong. Or that I will hurt someone again. Or Shea will find out, she already knows I’m upset about something and she keeps apologizing like she has something to be sorry about. Did you turn up the heat in your room Vi?”

“Sash, you’re not going to hurt anyone, our plan is good. It wasn’t your fault the first time either. And yes, I turned up my heat.” I smiled at her.

Sasha managed a weak but queasy looking smile and nodded, she pushed her plate away, “I can’t eat anything. I’m just too nervous.”

Katya pushed the plate back, “how about you eat some protein? Just eat egg or meat or cheese,  c’mon 3 more bites? Please Sashinka? Shea said you haven’t eaten much in days, I’m vorried. Ve are all vorried.” Katya needled her just like she’s done with me countless times, Sasha sighed and picked up her fork, skewering a tiny piece of cheese but with a look from Katya she added a half a boiled egg.

Katya and I had gotten a slightly panicked facebook call from Shea yesterday.

“Hey guys, has Sash been acting weird lately or is it just me? I know she’s been hanging out with y’all a lot since I’ve been working so much and spending such long hours at the studio getting ready for the show and I’m glad that she is! Don’t get me wrong! But, has she been eating with you? The groceries in our apartment have hardly been touched, she hasn’t used her meal card in days either. I went to see if I should put some money on it since I got paid and it was still full. I made her her favourite sandwich the other day and I found it in the trash without one bite taken out of it!”

Katya and I exchanged looks, Sasha hadn’t been hanging out with us much.

“Uh…you know that she looked after me the other day when I had the stomach flu, maybe she picked it up? I hope not! I would feel so bad.” From what I’ve seen of Sasha, she didn’t seem sick. Withdrawn and stressed, yes, but not sick.

I think she had been spending a lot of time with Alaska, who did nothing but stare out the window. As far as I know, she hadn’t told Sasha much about who Sharon was to her or what the story was, just that something happened and she needed to talk to Sharon.

We couldn’t do the seance thing until tonight because Sasha insisted we wait for a night when Shea was for sure working and not just at the studio where she could leave and pop in at any point. For some reason Sasha was adamant that Shea not find out, it had taken some pleading with Alaska but what could Alaska do? It’s not like she could MAKE Sasha get possessed or whatever.

“Hmm I don’t know,” Shea scowled. “I mean you were completely out of it when you had it Violet. I don’t think they’ve had a fever, I would have noticed.” Shea chewed her bottom lip, she did look really worried and I wondered, not for the first time, why she flirted with me or anyone else when she seemed to really love Sasha.

“I promise, ve vill keep a better eye on her.” Katya said from over my shoulder.

I nodded, “we will make sure she eats something.”

“Ok, thanks. Just let me know if she says something, I mean, I feel like she’s keeping something from me. Like she’s upset about something? I don’t know, maybe I’m bugging out about nothing? I mean, I’ve never hoped I was bugging out about nothing til now.”

“Ve vill keep our eyes and ears open.”

“That’s all I can ask, I gotta jet but I’ll talk to you guys soon? Take care of my girl for me ok?”

I guiltily looked away, but I heard Kat murmur “ve vill,” before Shea hung up.

Katya nudged my ribs, bringing me out of my memory, “you need to eat something too Missy!” Sasha and I rolled our eyes at each other, a small but genuine grin turned up one side of Sasha’s mouth. Another nudge and I sighed and picked up my own fork, Aja was staring at me.

“What Aja?”

“Nothing. It’s ok sis!”

“No say it.” I stabbed a fry with so much force that the fork scraped across the plate, making us all cringe. “Sorry.”

“Maybe I’m just used to you having your hair back but you just look like you’ve lost weight.”

“Gee thanks! Anyone else wanna tell me I look like shit?” I asked sharply, throwing my fork down with a clatter that made Sasha jump. “Maybe I did lose weight, three days of barfing can do that to a person!” I knew I was overreacting but I couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

Aja pouted, and flailed a chicken wing in my direction, they rolled their eyes, “no sis you’re right!” Then they added sarcastically, “you’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, you’re a model! Everything about you is perfect!”

I let out a little surprised bark of laughter and it seemed to break whatever mopey spell had been cast on our table. Even Sasha looked up from pushing her food around her plate and let out a little chuckle.

“Smartass,” I muttered, nibbling at the corner of a chicken strip.

“Are you feeling any better kukolka?” Sasha asked quietly.

I nodded, “definitely but I still have no appetite. But I haven’t had a fever in the past day or so.”

“Glad to hear it.” Sasha pushed her plate away again and said something sharply in Russian to Katya when she opened her mouth to tell her to eat more.

A cute girl came to our table to give us the bill, we were the only ones left and it was obvious that the staff were wanting to close up for the night. They were upturning chairs onto tables, sweeping and mopping the floor but leaving a path of dry floor for us to leave by.

Katya had to drive Shea’s car after we decided Sash was too distracted to drive when she tried to get in someone else’s car. On the way back, Sash kept nodding off.

When I opened my dorm door, the stifling heat was like a smack to the face.

“Jesus!” Aja exclaimed, immediately peeling off their sweater.

“I think you’re thinking of the other direction!” Katya joked as she striped off her own sweater.

“I should go change, Alaska will be here any moment. Do you have the…uh…things Vi?” Sasha sighed yet again.

“There’s a bag in the bathroom, there are a few to choose from. There’s a housecoat on the back of the door but I doubt you’ll need it with it being this warm. At least I know the heat works!” I unravelled my scarf and took off my hoodie, putting my hair up in it’s usual ponytail.

There was a chair in the middle of the room, the beat up ouija board box on the table beside it. There was a soft knock on the door, Katya answered, swinging wide the door to let a pale and slightly green Alaska wheel through.

“Hi.” She said but it was little more than a puff of air, “thanks for doing this Violet, I really appreciate it.” She smiled weakly.

The door to the bathroom opened and a bashful and red faced Sasha poked her head out. “Oh good, you’re here Alaska!”

“Mmhmm, thanks again Sash but uh why are you in a bikini? And why is it so fucking hot in here? Someone should open a window for God’s sake!”

“You didn’t tell her the plan?” Sasha said, looking between the other three of us in the room. When none of us said anything, Sasha sighed and sank into her seat in the middle of the room, she had her hands splayed to hide as much of herself as possible.

“So I really hurt Violet and Aja last time when Sharon…uh…borrowed my body and I just don’t feel comfortable putting you all at risk again. So the plan is Katya, Aja and Violet have super soakers filled with holy water. So if it seems Sharon is going to get physical again, they can pull her out of my body.”

“She won’t hurt you again, Sharon would never! She was just worried when she heard I was hurt. Sharon wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Alaska said, scandalised at the very thought that Sharon could be violent.

Aja strode over to the vanity and plucked up one of my makeup wipes, removing the thick layer of cake makeup and powder and going over to Alaska and craning her neck so Alaska could see the full extent of the damage. Alaska grimaced and looked away. “She threw me across the fucking room so buzz, buzz, mother fucker because here is proof that she can and will hurt a fly. She could have killed me!” Sasha opened her mouth to apologize yet again but Aja brought up a finger and shook it in her direction, “and stop saying you’re sorry Sis! It wasn’t you. I know that and so does Vi.” Sasha closed her mouth again.

“I still don’t get why Sasha is in a bikini though.” Alaska mumbled.

“We need the largest amount of skin available to shoot at because we are all bad aims.”

Alaska’s eyes were already brimming with tears and a fat one splashed onto her lap. “Please just give her another chance?”

“So what is the story between you two?” Aja asked, sitting carefully on the edge of my bed.

The lights flickered and Sharon appeared in the mirror, her face totally changed at the sight of Alaska. Her face softened and lost it’s hollowed out look and her eyes sparkled. She put a hand flat on either side of the glass, a glowing tear trickled down her face.

“Ok let’s go. Vi, I think you need to start at the ouija board since it’s your room.” Sasha said, letting out a breath of air from her puffed out cheeks as she swirled the heart shaped wooden planchette around the board while Alaska and I rolled over to the table. Katya stood by the door and Aja stood opposite with their water guns pointed at Sasha.

We added our fingers to the board, Alaska hesitated for a fraction of a moment before adding her long, spindly fingers as Sasha said, “we invite communication from the spirit world, specifically from the girl in the mirror of room 121.”

The planchette almost sprinted around the board, “she just spelled out I’ll be good.” Sasha said, she looked up at Sharon sternly, “you better or I won’t be doing this again.” Sharon nodded emphatically. “Ok let’s get this over with.”

I backed up and grabbed my own gun from my bed as Sasha lowered her head to her chest. There was a moment of still before Sasha took in a huge inhale of air and lifted her chin.

The three of us with guns shifted, I couldn’t talk for the other two but I felt a jittery energy sweep through the room.

Sharon slowly lifted her hands, palms out. “I am not going to hurt you.” She said calmly, it was eerie how much Sasha’s voice changed into this high pitched whine. Sharon turned her eyes to Alaska, “Lasky?”

“Hi,” Alaska breathed, pulling Sharon’s hand into her own and asked in a small voice, “why did you have to leave me all alone? I’m sorry, it should have been me. It was my stuff, it’s all my fault.” Alaska wailed.

“Stop it!” Sharon barked and squeezed Alaska’s hand, shuffling the chair closer. Then her voice softened, husky with tears. “You didn’t know it was bad. I’m glad I got to it first. You can and have and WILL do so much more good in this world than I ever could.”

“But the last thing I ever said to you was that I hated you. ” Alaska sobbed and flung her hands in the air, “and then I just left you. I was so mad but if I hadn’t left, you’d still BE here. I could have saved you, I could have. I should have stayed.”

“No,” Sharon shook her head, “I hate you isn’t the last thing you’ll ever say to me. We have this chance, right now. I love you so much but you have to stop blaming yourself. You have to let yourself move on because that is the only way I will ever get to.”

“I love you too but you…you forgive me? You should hate me, you have every right to! I wouldn’t blame you. I killed you!” Alaska looked down at her lap and broke down, crying harder than I’ve ever seen anyone cry. She looked like she might come apart with the force of her shaking.

The three of us with waterguns gasped at Alaska’s confession.

Sharon’s head snapped up and she looked surprised to find us there, like the only thing that existed in her world was Alaska. “She didn’t kill me.” Sharon scooted closer, lifting her chin with a crooked finger to make Alaska look her in the eye, tears streaming down her own face. “You didn’t. There’s nothing to forgive. NOTHING! I need you to do some things for me.”

“Anything. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.”

“But you can’t Alaska! You can’t! I wish I could too but if it meant you would die, I wouldn’t do it. You can fulfill my dying…er…dead wishes.”

“Anything.” Alaska murmured again.

“I need you to stop wishing you were dead, I need you to NEVER try to kill yourself again. Promise me!” Sharon said firmly, running her hands over Alaska’s collarbones.

Alaska nodded and sobbed out, “I promise, I’m sorry. I can’t help it, I just get so sad and I miss you so much.”

“I know you do babe, I miss you too but you have to realize you’re supposed to be HERE! I’m so, so proud of you for getting sober, I wish we could have done that together. I just want you to know, when you’re ready, that it’s ok to move on. You deserve to love and be loved by someone as special as you are.”

Alaska shook her head and mouthed “no. I can’t.”

“You can! I need to know you’re going to be ok. Promise me?” Sharon pulled Alaska into a hug, running her hand down Alaska’s platinum hair. Aja, Katya and I had all lowered our guns, I swiped at the tears cascading down my face.

“I…I promise, I’ll try but I don’t think I can ever love anyone like I love you. I can’t put my whole heart in it because you took a piece of me with you.” Alaska wailed and held onto Sharon harder, blubbering into her shoulder.

“Shhh I’m so sorry baby. Shhh. I love you so much but I can’t stay. You won’t be able to move on and I need that for you. I need to know you are going to be ok. Shhh. I’m so sorry beautiful.” Sharon cooed, pulling back to cup Alaska’s face in her hands, pressing a kiss onto the sobbing girl’s forehead before pulling her back in again.

We sat there, paused, frozen in time while the two girls in the middle of the room held onto each other and cried out their heartbreak together. We didn’t know the whole story but you didn’t have to know it was a catastrophic loss for both of them.

“Dawn is coming. Can you do one last thing for me?” Sharon asked with a wobbly voice, sniffling and wiping at Alaska’s face with the pads of her thumbs. “Can you sing me to sleep one last time?”

“I can’t. I haven’t sang since you left me all alone.” Alaska whimpered.

“You have to share that gift with the world Lasky and I’m…I’m so tired,” Sharon’s voice cracked and she ended with a sob, sounding child-like, “please? Sing me to sleep.”

Alaska looked conflicted, a gamut of emotions running across her face. She would obviously want to help Sharon find peace but would feel like she was losing her all over again. She finally sighed and nodded, between sniffles she asked, “can you help me onto the bed please Katya?”

While Kat and Aja helped a sobbing Alaska who grunted in pain onto the bed, Sharon came over to me. She looked nervously at my gun so I set it down on the table beside me. Sharon got down on her knees and pulled me into a strong hug, whispering in my ear, “can you please tell Sasha thank you? The words thank you are not remotely strong enough to voice my gratitude but it’s all I have. She’s let me finally rest. She’s given my girl peace. I’m so sorry for hurting you and Aja, when I heard Alaska was hurt, I guess I just lost my damn mind for a minute.”

“Shar?” Sharon’s body stiffened against mine at the sound of Alaska’s broken voice, “I’m ready as I’ll ever be.” Alaska patted the bed beside her.

Sharon sat beside Alaska, a wry smile on her lips as she looked over at me, “also tell Sasha’s girlfriend I’m sorry.” I was about to ask her what the hell she was talking about when she wrapped her arms around Alaska’s neck and pulled her into a long, passionate, open-mouthed kiss as tears streamed down their faces. I looked away, thinking that maybe the two girls would want some privacy in their last moment.

“I don’t think I can do this. I’m scared, I don’t want to let you go.” Alaska admitted tearfully, I turned my head to look at her, Sharon was laying on her side, head in Alaska’s lap, curled around Alaska carefully to avoid her injured leg. Alaska was stroking the back of her fingers down the side of Sharon’s face as she sobbed.

Sharon caught her hand and pulled it to her lips to kiss it and then whispered “please baby? Let me finally rest in your arms, sing me to sleep Lasky?“ Her eyes pleaded with Alaska as she repeated, “I love you but I’m so tired. Please don’t forget me.”

“I could never!” Alaska swore, leaning down to kiss Sharon’s forehead. “I love you so much.”

When Alaska started to sing, my mouth flopped open with surprise at the rich tones of her voice.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Sharon let out a sigh, a small smile on her lips. Sasha’s body went slack and Alaska let out a mournful, keening cry. She cradled Sasha’s limp body against her own and screamed and wailed.

Sasha’s eyes fluttered a few times before they opened. She sat up straighter in Alaska’s arms and pulled the still inconsolable Alaska into a tight hug. “She’s gone, isn’t she? Oh Alaska,” she breathed, “I’m so sorry. Shhh darling.” After a few moments she looked around the room at us, “Katya, I think Alaska could use a nice cup of tea from the cafeteria. Aja, could you run down to Alaska’s room and get her a warm sweater, she’s shaking like a leaf. Vi…uh…”

I could tell Sasha was trying to get rid of us to talk to Alaska alone but was uncomfortable ordering me from my own room, “I will do whatever you need me to, but I have to go to the bathroom first.” I offered.

“Yeah, no that’s good. Yeah go do that.” Sasha stuttered out, giving me a sweet little thank you smile.

We scattered and I pulled the door shut. I wasn’t trying to listen. Occasionally I heard a word or phrase here or there, Alaska was wailing again at one point and I winced. I turned the tap on to drown out what Sasha was almost having to yell to be heard over Alaska but I still heard Sasha repeat the phrase, “you loved her enough to let her be at peace. There is no greater love than that, no greater gift that you could give her Alaska!” Minutes that felt like hours ticked by and Alaska was slowly winding down.

There was a knock at the door to my room and I heard Aja say they got the sweater and then ask if they should come back. Sasha said no so I took that to mean they were done their talk and it was safe to come out, so I poked my head out.

Sasha was sitting cross-legged beside Alaska, her arm around the lanky girl who was rubbing her red rimmed eyes. They both looked absolutely exhausted.

Katya came in shortly after with 4 large paper cups of hot water, pulling milk and sugar and a plethora of different tea bags out of her coat pocket. “I forgot to ask vhat kind.”

For a few minutes Alaska stared at the tea she held in her trembling hands while we all stared at her. She cleared her throat and whispered, “I can feel you staring at me, I’m going to tell you. I just need a minute.”

Sasha patted her hand, “you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to dear.”

“No, you especially out of all people, deserve the truth. I just ask that you not judge me too harshly once I’ve told you the whole story.”

“We wouldn’t do that.” Aja promised somberly and Katya and I murmured sounds of agreement with them.

Alaska sighed, “ok, so before this was an accessible room, it was our room. Sharon and I were roommates, I kind of hated her at the beginning to be honest. She was all doom and gloom and grumpy exterior and I was an independent, overachieving, tightly wound gymnast and cheerleader prone to temper tantrums when I didn’t get my own way. But when I hurt my foot, I saw a whole different and gentler side of Sharon, she took care of me without being asked to. At first it was annoying to me but she kept taking care of me and I eventually admitted to myself that I liked it. I liked being taken care of.” Alaska admitted as if it were a crime to want to be cared for. “I got better and Sharon and I went our separate ways…well…as much as roommates could anyway. Sharon hung out with a different crowd than me but we somehow managed to land at the same pharm party.”

“What’s a farm party? Is it held in a barn?” Sasha asked innocently. Aja let out a snort.

Alaska looked down and turned red. “No no, Pharm with a PH, it’s a party where you go and the entrance fee is usually a couple bucks and whatever prescription meds you can get your hands on. They put them all in a fishbowl and then you take some.” Sasha gasped. “Yeah it’s dumb because you don’t know what you’re getting but I never claimed to be smart. Whatever I took, fucked me up, bad, and Sharon rescued me yet again. She probably saved my life that time too. She made me throw up and watched me through the night even though she was tripping balls herself. When I woke up or came to or whatever, she was in the corner of the room, hugging her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth, muttering to herself that she was a horrible person and I was dead. Not the most amazing time for a first kiss but it calmed her down.” Alaska let out a little chuckle. “I wish I could say that we were never that stupid again, that we vowed to never take drugs again and lived happily ever after but that would obviously be a lie. We did swear off pharm parties, sticking to the drugs we knew so to speak, pot and E, meth a few times but we had the best time with coke so we started to do coke exclusively, somehow trying to convince ourselves we weren’t really drug addicts if we didn’t do the supposed hard stuff or start injecting. It got so bad that I would cut out of class early to do a line before the next one, my grades started falling, I got put on academic probation. I was still secretly chasing a bigger high to avoid my problems. The high from snorting coke could no longer fuel my need and so I started sneaking behind Sharon’s back to inject amphetamines, which were great for my grades as I studied frantically but I wouldn’t sleep for days and Sharon was anything but stupid. Our regular dealer got busted, I had to search this other guy out. I was the one that got the drugs because I figured that way Sharon couldn’t find out how much I was doing or that I was veering from our coke-only plan.” Alaska sagged, “she came home early after I had just picked up a new supply, she walked in our room to find me laying on the bathroom floor with a needle in my vein, half of the drugs still in the syringe. Her walking in on me was the second time she saved my life, I woke up the next day to all my stuff packed and by the door and an irate Sharon who had had 18 hours to think while I lay unconscious on the bed she dragged me onto. I was going into withdrawals at this point and feeling the worst physical pain I’ve ever felt which seemed to go with the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt. Sharon wasn’t an angel, she had a temper as you two both saw, but I’ve never seen someone so angry.”

Alaska shuddered and held her tea to her chest while Sasha covered her in a blanket. “You can stop Alaska, it’s ok.”

Alaska shook her head and gritted her teeth, “no I’ve come this far. I have to finish it. Sharon gave me an ultimatum as I lay shaking in a pool of my own sweat, get clean or get out. Things were said that shouldn’t have been but in the heat of the moment, I couldn’t take it back. I screamed at her I would do one better and leave without the drugs. She could have them. That I hated her and then I threw the 3 bags of coke in my pocket at her and left. I didn’t take anything with me so I didn’t get her texts. I didn’t know she was in trouble! I would have come back!” Alaska broke down as she pulled up her phone and passed it to Sasha who read it and passed it to me, she had saved the messages from Sharon.

9:42pm Alaska, baby please come back. You’re sick, you can’t spend the night on your own. At least tell me you are somewhere safe, that you aren’t out on the street. Come home.

11:32pm I tried not to do it, but I used some of the coke you threw at me. I think it was cut with something, I feel different.

11:35pm I’m scared something is really wrong ‘Lasky, my heart feels like it’s going so fast it might stop. I think I need to call for help but I’m scared. Can you?

11:40pm HELP ME!

11:41pm I will always love you.

I spent the night at a friend’s house getting wasted, I went back to the room to get some things when I knew Sharon would be in class except she wasn’t. She was laying on the floor dead with one hand over her heart. I’ll never forget how dim her eyes were without their usual sparkle, she was gone.” Alaska stopped for a minute to drink her tea.

Aja, Katya and I all had tears trailing down our faces. I folded in on myself and Katya came over and held my hand. Sasha was weeping loudly, her breath coming in ragged little gasps.

“I freaked, I called 911 and tried to revive her while they got there but she was pronounced dead at the scene, she’d been dead for hours, there had been no chance for survival. Our room was a crime scene until they could figure out what happened. They tested the coke and it came back that Sharon was right, it wasn’t even coke, it was white heroine which looked like coke but was much more potent and since Sharon often did at least two lines, she didn’t have a chance at survival, it stopped her heart and breathing after 10 minutes. The drug dealer didn’t know what he was doing, he was caught and charged with involuntary manslaughter and possession with the intent to traffic. I moved out of our room, Sharon’s memory was everywhere. I spent the first 6 months after Sharon’s death getting coked out until my friend and new roommate nicknamed Jinkx was forced to call 911 because I purposefully ODed. I missed Sharon too much, she was gone  and it was my fault so I felt it was only right for me to die too.”

“Oh Alaska,” Katya whispered from right by my ear, making me jump.

“My parents made me go to rehab, I got out and relapsed within 12 hours, confirming my worst fears that I was worthless, hopeless and should be dead. I almost drowned coked out in the bathtub one night, I think maybe Sharon saved me that time because I made sure Jinkxy was out for the night before I did it. I remember going under and feeling at peace but I woke up freezing with the water drained out of the tub. I got thrown in rehab again but this was a different program, they recognised that they needed to help me with underlying problems not just sober me up for 30 days. A year and 3 months after her death, I was sober. I still struggle everyday with cravings and the guilt, which I’m going to try to forgive myself for. It was a horrible accident. When I heard about the girl in room 121, I was glad I wasn’t living in there because I was afraid of what Sharon would say. I knew it was her, of course it was. After graduation, I left the country for a few years, trying to run as far away from this room and the memories it held. When I got offered a job, I was reluctant to take it but I felt like I had to, i was being called to. That there was a deeper purpose and I was right, I just wish I wasn’t such a chicken because I would have been able to give her peace earlier. Thank you Sasha, for giving us both peace.” Alaska said, punctuating the end of her sentence with with a yawn, “if you guys don’t mind, I think I should go to bed.”

“I’d like to come with you and watch over you, if that’s ok.” Sasha asked timidly, “I just have the feeling maybe you shouldn’t be alone tonight.”

Alaska thought for a moment and I recognised that internal struggle between independence and allowing someone in. She smiled a little and nodded, “ok, I’d like that.”

Aja decided to head out too until it was just Katya and I laying in bed with our arms wrapped around each other.

“I love you so much, I don’t know what I’d do or who I’d be without you.” I whispered when I thought Katya was asleep.

Katya pulled me closer, “I love you too. I don’t ever vant to find out how I’d ever live vithout you.”

I relaxed in her arms and let sleep carry me away.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I hear two Atlanta Police Officers with missing vehicles called the Mayor and apologized to her for thinking of only themselves, admitted they were afraid that if they were in the same situation they would been fired as the other two in the Rayshard Brooks case and they couldn't allow that to happen to,themselves and the community so they wanted to show what would happen if it did because like me they all saw it as a justified homocide, a honorable weapon's discharge.

But after reading what i wrote last night. They fully regrret their decision and would like to have a meeting with her today, the entire 25 that stayed home for 3 days and they will all drive up to see her, in their personal cars of course.

Of course they got her mussing her mascara and all. Weeping she is. Don't mean she's weak. Just means she knows love. And she knows how evil attacks it and makes love so painful.

... ...

I mean I'm real surprised at Atlanta. I never had any problems with them they was always "The Next New Orleans" i called them.

Always just witchy with it. Good and a skip ahead.

So besides my anger at the situation created...

Look. I come straight outta the 90s.

Back then... Man. Our history been lost in 30 years. Our soul soul soul filled history. Its gone. It ain't there.

Back in the 90s we had about a 15 year break. From the protests from Vietnam War. Love not War Protests. We had them nice little 1950s with "Hello Technology: introduction to the TV" ONWARD to the "60s Hippies. Make love not War" taking it right onto the 70s which came back with the Civil Rights

So our 90s. Y'all they were the most beautiful. They were the combo of the 60s and 70s.

The riots and protests being taught to me and we made it big as we could with all the best parts of being a Human Rights Activist with brand new only 1990s fluorescent neon dripped could bring in.

That was all lost. Its all gone.

But the fight. The rights. THE TRUTH we went all 1950s and stayed in and raised our kids right. People wanna say shit about the Millennials. But we spoke truth. We spoke from our heart and we let them find,the truth as safe as possible and form their own opinions based on truth alone.

So now people wanna beat our kids. People i went to high school with they got high school graduates. Mine will be 17 this August. Real honest to God birthday and age.

Those are my babies. Our babies. They are our future. In 50 years they're gonna be like old man Bernie Sanders. 70 years old bent over fighting because we're gonna be near dead at 90 and more.

And people neglect and beat and ...

Man Our kids got it bad enough already. Simply because THEY KNOW THE TRUTH.

And man we got to protect them. Protect their hearts. Their minds. Their souls.

And they getting allllllll this stress. Put on them. Stress that is simply avoided.

By one dancing in the streets.

By 15 officers stating their badge numbers.

By the police owning up to who they are and why they exist.

Don't they want peace? Used to be they were called Peace Keeping Officers.

Now they called Lice Officers. Coming in on Native American Reservations claiming unwashed hair bread bugs. Let me tell you something. My daughter and I got lice a while back.. Like 8 years. The only thing that killed them was coating our hair in oil

Lice breath through holes in their exobody. So the oil makes them suffocate to death and die. Furthermore people whom smoke reject lice more frequently than those that don't. It takes me 3 months longer to get lice than a non smoker.

Peace pipe anyone?

.

So historically police aren't loved. They aren't wanted.

Being a police or military. It becomes a color of our skin. I'll post a tattoo that isn't finished being colored or lined. It's not done. I'll show you we can balance it.

Get out of your comfort zone. Step out of your skin.

We can't stop being black. We can't stop being what drives us to be police.

But we can control it.

"BURN ALL THEIR FUCKING CARS" demanded the international head of the CIA.

"No ma'am. This is what we did" they didn't tell me No before. They just did it. Because they knew it was better. They knew it would cause all 25 of y'all to have to stand up and say "my car is missing. This is how i feel. I do/don't want it back"

Where yall can't pretend what y'all did didn't matter and just get up and go to work the next day. All sneak in and get back to business.

No. You got a fucking problem. You forcing others to take on your load, Zone 5.

Were not walking away and being all its fine what ever. You got a problem. We need to tackle it in a for real state.

Foooorrrrr Reeeaaaalllll state.

You got a problem in your mind? Those become tangible. They aren't floating thoughts. They are what makes us do what we do.

Make it concrete. Take away their cars.

I ain't saying the charges will be dropped. That's all a whole other issue. I don't work in the justice system. Court. Law. I tell you how to win in court. But i ain't about telling some DA how to shove it. I just sue them. When its courts. I fight their game. With paperwork and all that shit. So like i said that's not on me to say the charges will be dropped.

When it's a basketball game you use a ball and circle to drop the ball in.

Use proper tools

Atlanta PD could and should said "alright let's picket the DA. Lets go in uniform. Leave our weapons in the car. Unbutton our shirts. Put red paint on our foreheads to show where they're hurting us. Show them the DA now made us defense less and stripped"

Half hour. 10 minutes. 2 hours. Don't matter. As long as you make that statement.

NYPD did that.

Sure i can ask Tree, tree why ain't you posted that? Taught them?

But why didn't NYPD pull out thier hands and say NBC, FOX. Where's them videos of what we use to do and so we can stop and make this shit right in the streets?

Thata all i did. That's all im doing now. Yeah I'm,the most brilliant and all

But the last since November i been telling y'all "shake them tail feathers"

How is Gary Trump's brother going into human trafficking for 24 years to be found by me. Then murdered by his brother that took his name and lied about who he was? And his brother didn't care. He said "ill go by Gary. It don't matter. Hes worked hard under my name"

How is the ACTUAL Donald Trump not allowed to be in a Black Lives Matter movement? How come no one is shaking their tail feathers to a man killed by the government for greed and white power?

The faux Donald Trump that is our impeached President is a racist.

So why isn't his brother being named? Black Lives Matter.

One person says "Let's Shake Our Tail Feathers".

Dont matter if you believe me. Its the movement. Quite literally.

Its confusing and alive and can make us all sick. It is its own plague. "Shake ya tail feathers" it's a mental plague if you refuse truth.

Regardless how i named it. I still taught it and spoke it. And led y'all to dance it.

Bye bye stress. Bye bye human trafficking.

Bye bye inequality.

Instead it's crazy

It was already planned to be crazy. Burning down buildings calling them Liberty Torches.

Civil Rights . Civil Liberties . take No Justice/Fairness and make it a sight to behold.

Is it fair to me financially to burn down my own economicially profiting legally businesses to make a Park and Garden where you can get fresh and,free vegetables and fruit for life? HELL FUCKING NO.

I got to pay security and taxes and i don't get a single domestic dime in return.

Kids go play on my slides and swings and wear them out having too much dam fun. Then i gotta spend More Money to make sure i am making sure they even get a single second to know what fun is.

I spent my whole life working. Every dam day.

One day I went out and I was 18 years old and i heard laughter. And i didn't know what it was. What made people laugh? How could people even be happy? Or want to laugh?

I was 18 years old. Didn't under stand a human thing.

And it just kept going and going and going. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to do whatever it took. And I didn't know why. Because i got my car keys out and opened my car door the second time that day. This time to make it stop. I put my car key between my fingers. Next thing i knew, I was sitting back down. And starting the car. Obviously my mom knew I was crazy with worry. And lost my mind. Shoved my ass back in the car and said "no you're just gonna leave and leave those innocent people alone"

I was so angry and bitter. And now my life is even worse.

If I couldn't attack them people. No one else can attack innocent people in public.

I don't care how fucked up you are. YOU CAN'T ATTACK SOMEONE FOR THEIR FREEDOMS.

Laughter. Black Lives Matter. Blue lives MATTER. All lives MATTER.

Some ignorant fool was arguing with a store clerk saying how her Black Lives Matter sign offended him

Watch me, #BLM #BLM ONE OF THOSE IS BLACK. ONE OF THOSE IS BLUE. TOGETHER WE ARE BRUISED BLACK AND BLUE.

Why can't y'all see and accept that?

We can't we be one. One truth.

One life to live

I can't live as Cleopatra or anyone of my past lives. I can't even live the life I led in the 90s. I can't even walk

We have one life to live and this is it.

So do we kill each other? Or do we protect each other?

Why aren't we being One?

When you're alone you can think of only you. You realize how important you are. We all need alone time.

When im with you i can only think about how important you are.

There isn't enough room in my brain to say how important we both are at the same time unless we do and think and act the same way all day long. Even for twins and clones its impossible.

So in my brain and in yours. You can only think about how much ONE life matters at a time.

ONLY ONE LIFE IN THIS WORLD MATTERS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!

We. Our. Us. You can't stop a great combination.

Power and love = unified. Unity. United.

Watch me, #BLM #BLM ONE OF THOSE IS BLACK. ONE OF THOSE IS BLUE. TOGETHER WE ARE BRUISED BLACK AND BLUE.

Stop the pain. Hold our hands. Let the love flow. Let the Heart speak until it sings.

So yesterday old Blackfeet and Regina didn't see each other for the DUMBEST thing. She said "oh baby ill move in the nursing home with you"

He says something all "nonsense that's dumb shut up" all Grumpy Bear.

I don't even want to be with you.

So i talked to Michael about their unique situation.

He could had said "I'm well enough to move into a regular home with you. We don't need the nursing home. I moved to (US state) to be with you. To be close to you because you mean more to Me than Anything in the world. And you deserve a big ole castle. Because i love you and we gotta do all this best and right. No nursing home. We got another 50 years plus i wanna be doing you on the kitchen table and not here. All I can smell is stinky old man diapers from the neighbor"

And she could said had he continued the fight "oh idk what I'm saying I've never even seen the nursing home. Do you mind i come visit you there? Id really like that"

It would taken ONE. Only one to stop their ninny war.

And they would been holding each other. With love.

Instead of living in Hell.

So, now what happened was we put it all on old dad. Because hes the Black Beethoven who can suddenly sing a ballad of symphony in the midst of telling some real bad history truth.

Then moments later Regina said "well i could said something different, too".

It takes two to tango.

So I challenge y'all to punch inequality in the face. BLM. there is no difference between.

Black. Blue. Red. Purple. Yellow. Green. All bruises.

Challenge each other. Black and blue.

Force it. There is no difference and it must be seen.

Chant it. Turn on the "Boombox" and dance together. Dance if some won't. But do it in their face.

Laugh. Be happy. In their face.

If they're bitter like an 18 year old me and don't have a Angel Mommy to bust their ass back down into a sitting position. Someone will beat the shit out of them. Someone will stop them and i Will go after them and send you services for legal and medical. Free.

Acknowledge.

You are hurt. I am hurt.

Lets Live. Lets be happy.

Lets try. Trying makes perfect.

"MOVE BACK"

"TAKE THAT FIRST STEP"

"MOVE BACK"

"SEE WE ARE HURT SAME AS YOU" point out the ones that have fear. The ones that try to intimidate. -- The I Can See You -- let them scream in your face youre nothing but a piece of shit. And yell back they're someone inside a police uniform. And you can see it.

Beat their asses like fucking Care Bears.

Teach you a little photography. 1. Dirty lens. Dry skin. 2. Lotions the skin. Hannibal lectur. 3. Cleans the lens. 4 & 5 close up with flash. 6&7 close up without flash.

After meeting some kids in college. Native Americans from tribes near Gallup. Very very. Very Racist.

I began to question my life long believe of how I could live with being a military based person. And being an Native American.

I didn't know. I just knew i could and it wasn't fair to me to destroy the very being of me. Simply because it don't make sense without actual factual historical documents.

Remember Oregon Trail was First. That made Atlas.

Then down the coast to find gold. So NM DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT NO FUCKING TRAIL OF TEARS SO GET OUT MY FACE.

And so my owl... Its every thing. I didn't design it normal. It has wings that are out stretched yes.

But it has a secomd pair of wings. Which are pins from the United States Coast Guard. Those wings are like hands. To do things close by to the body.

Its slightly designed after a Hindu God. She has 6 arms.

Here the wings are keeping the body warm and safe and sound.

How could myself own an owl to represent my secret past of S.Leigh if it can't have hands to represent both my heart and mind?

There figlirliee on the head. That's not for me. Its because I think about you. The mass population of Earth.

I need more simply than what the Earth can provide in the reality of which exists on Earth.

There's an hour glass of water on it's side, traveling... My baby bird is flying with an hour glass.

If you look. You'll see a woman under and between the two shields. And she has "duck lips"

For the real "Not Gary Donald Trump"

Her lips are actually a heart. But they look off..

A rose each sits above the shields. A diamond in the midst of the tail feathers.

No piece

No area.

Is just a feather. A stroke of color.

Each is an item. There's no nothing. It is all something

The military did not just beat us and we took it as Muscogee Creek Nation. We built an Atlas. Recivejed the City of Atlantis -- the Spain sent supplies to help us for years. All the way from Florida.

There was Something. It all wasn't nothing

Or for nothing. Everyone looks for the truth. Looks for the Lost City of Atlantis and i am the one who sunk it. Because I am the Goddess.

The diamond has a purple eye. Diamonds are the hardest and toughest known substance.

Well i know my mind is gonna cut you and rip you apart from what I've seen. So my eyes are like diamonds. My mind

Our tounges are diamonds. We can slash each other apart.

Or we can acknowledge the riches we have.

My Ultimate Challenge is for the police to create a barricade when necessary. No weapons in hand. Hands on the top of their heads and chant BLM Bruises are the same.

We know black bruises hurt the worst, the same level as red.

Then purple. Then blue. Green and yellow rarely do.

So please fight blindness and inequality with me.

And please post it on the national news and international news. So that we know as a world we all fight together

Whether it's in the couches or in the streets.

Thank you for trying.

[while-im-home]

Sunday 15/03/2020

So today I was finally hit by whatever plague has been circling my immune system. I’ve had a kind of sore throat for about 3 days and feeling like I’m burning up every now and then and this morning, I felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks. My body aches, I’m sweating buckets, I feel a little confused and dizzy, my sore throat doesn’t seem to be here but something is definitely up. I climb into bed and put the fan on to try and combat this hot flush I’m having. There I stayed for the rest of the day, watching YouTube on my phone all day and hoping I would feel better as the day went on. This did not happen. Unfortunately I don’t remember much of that evening other than feeling sad that this was how I was feeling.

Monday 16/03/2020

Today was hard. Today was the anniversary of my mum passing away. I felt really horrible mentally and physically today. My soul ached not just because she was gone but also because I felt too crappy to do anything to remember her by. I planned to bake some cupcakes and B had given me a wonderful gift to remember her by, a video message that can be sent into space and he was going to record me and pay to send it into space through a company he found last year and had been keeping it a secret until today. It was so sweet of him. I cried for hours that day. I spent this day in bed again, feeling sorry for myself and also a little angry as my online food shop had arrived and half of my order was missing because of those asshole panic buyers swiping all the things. I took a turn for the worse tonight. I felt as though my face and body were pressed against scalding radiators and I felt very tired and delirious. B said I didn’t feel as though I had a temperature but my cheeks felt like they were going to catch fire any second. We tried to call 111 but we couldn’t get through. A lot of other panicked people it seemed. At this point we had been convincing ourselves that there was no way I had coronavirus, I had only seen one person and I was housebound anyway due to my agoraphobia. It must’ve just been a flu. I was drifting in and out of sleep as my body battled all these horrible feelings, my arms and legs felt so heavy and ached heavily. I managed to get to sleep with a cold flannel on my face.

Tuesday 17/03/2020

I woke up feeling a little better. I didn’t feel as though I was burning up anymore but I did feel shortness of breath and I messaged my friend who I had seen around a week prior to see if she had this feeling. She did. Granted her feelings were a lot more cold based where as I primarily had a fever and an achy body. She recommended I call 111 and see what they say. I decide to do it later when B had woken up (he had stayed up really late the night previously). Thankfully B had brought my Xbox into the bedroom for me and I began a playthrough of L.A.Noire. A game I adored but had never fully finished before. I will be talking about this a lot. I flew through Traffic and Homocide that day but before I could even think about starting Ad-Vice B had woken up. He was very anxious. He takes medication for his anxiety and was late in taking it so he was in rather a bad state mentally but called 111 for me anyway as my symptoms had started to worsen again. My ear was bright red and was burning up and that slowly traveled to my cheeks again. We got through this time and the woman was rather rude to me. She said because I had a fever and shortness of breath, they were going to transfer to me to the coronavirus specialist phonelines. I was sure I didn’t have it because I don’t have a cough. And that was the main symptom. They gave them my number and eventually called me back, she was the loveliest woman ever and said that they would keep me on their radar in case my symptoms worsen or anything but until then all I can do is self isolate and rest up. I fell asleep that night struggling to breathe and woke up many times in the night because of it. It was horrible.

Wednesday 18/03/2020

I don’t remember much from today. I remember feeling short on breath all day and feeling incredibly lonely. Self isolation is incredibly isolating, who would’ve known. I miss my friends and my boyfriend. He’s being cautious with me but is still managing to be a loving and caring boyfriend. My dad visited me but didn’t come into my bedroom, was the first time I had seen him in weeks. We don’t really have the best relationship. I remember eating more than I had done the day previously. And I remember that drinking had been a problem, I was struggling to force myself to stay hydrated, I only managed to force myself to drink one cup on one of the days but today I managed to drink around 4-5 pints of water (and a couple of them had orange squash in ☺️). I didn’t feel as feverish today but I did briefly that night. I was mostly very scared because the doom the media has been churning out had kept convincing me I was going to be put in hospital or that I was going to die.

Thursday 19/03/2020

Today was bad but for a different reason. After 5 hours of sleep I was rudely awoken by my own body. I was cramping. Hard. My period had arrived and wasn’t going easy on me. I managed to go and clean myself up and get back in bed. Unfortunately one of the symptoms I get with my period is that I get bad hot flashes. I burn up. So on top of my fever, it was hard to tell if it was my fever or my period causing me to toast marshmallows. And I couldn’t even have a hot water bottle to combat the cramps without completely overheating myself. I pushed through and it got better as the day went on. My shortness of breath felt a little easier but my sore throat had returned. Win some lose some. I finished L.A.Noire properly this time. And oh. My. God. I cried. I cried hard. The ending was so... unexpected and FUCKING SAD???? I have so many thoughts and feelings and although I’m really upset with the ending, it did make me love the game even more on a deeper level. I wasn’t in the mood for another game after that and ended up spending the entire rest of the day watching 2 Broke Girls on Amazon Prime. I’m actually really enjoying it. The writing is a little off and after a while it gets very repetitive. Caroline whines about how far she’s fallen and Max says vagina. There that’s the whole show. Fr though I am enjoying it. It’s a good distraction. B went out today, we know he wasn’t supposed to but we desperately needed some groceries that our online shop couldn’t get us. He was cautious, covered his mouth and tried not to touch ANYTHING he didn’t have to or wasn’t going to purchase to keep chance of spreading whatever I have to the absolute minimal. He also got me a present to cheer me up AND as an early birthday present. It was a Yachemon plush from Overwatch, I laughed so hard when I saw it my shortness of breath got worse. Oops.

Friday 20/03/2020

Today was the best day by far. I felt so much like myself, I barely felt hot at all, my shortness of breath was practically non existent and I actually felt a lot more human, however, I do have a lot Of phlegm in my throat and have had to cough and clear it a few times, still wouldn’t say I had a cough though. I’m a little wary of the people that have said it gets worse before it gets better so am keeping to the bed for a few days longer just in case. I feel so much like myself and was even able to get up briefly without feeling like I was going to pass out! It’s a step in the right direction at least! I was still mourning the L.A.Noire ending and was feeling incredibly lonely again (a common theme, I complained of loneliness to B a thousand times even though we both know he should only really come and see me if he HAS to). But he came down to hang out with me briefly to help me pick a few games to buy from the Xbox store. We picked some that were on sale, the first 5 chapters of Life Is Strange and Mafia II. I decided to start with Life Is Strange and I’m sadly really unimpressed with it. I’m not a massive fan of games where your choices effect certain things because they make me anxious I will choose the bad endings! I’m a little disappointed that it’s a supernatural storyline, I was hoping for something a little more realistic but it doesn’t ruin the game. I love the art style and voice acting, it’s a beautiful game with a promising storyline (even if it’s not specifically my cup of tea). I think the chapters were a little short considering how much they are at original price separately but I guess I’m just lucky I caught it on sale. I’m not itching to play more but I will anyway, I just hope it gets a little better :/.

We’re all caught up. I’ll try and write a diary entry every evening. It will mostly focus on reviewing the entertainment I have and describing my symptoms and just what I get up to. I’m writing for myself and people reading it is just an extra. It’d be nice to have something to talk at like a diary for a while. Even if it’s not talking back I appreciate the social effects it’s having on me.

Anyways. I’ll post today’s diary entry either tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then we take it easy. ✌🏻

[ncscope-archived-blog]

“Grandma’s Got A Gun” (aka: my favourite Ana TV Tropes according to this website)

Action Mom: Mother to Fareeha (aka Pharah), Ana's returned to the fight to protect her daughter and her closest allies.

Animal Motif: Birds, like her daughter, though in her case it's more subtle. The white hair emerging from her hood resembles a hooked beak in her concept art and most of her victory poses.

Archenemy: Widowmaker. Widowmaker is responsible for Ana's missing eye and decision to fake her death. If the two meet each other again, Widowmaker taunts the aged and weathered Ana, and Ana snipes at her by saying Gerard was a fool to love her. If Widowmaker eliminates Pharah, she mocks "Like Mother, like daughter" and if Ana eliminates her, Ana throws back her "One shot, one kill" line.

Badass Longcoat: She wears a tattered gray hooded sniper's coat that helps her blend in with the environment and shield her from enemy sight (and fire). Her Origins skin gives her a blue trench coat that she used to wear when Overwatch was still active.

Badass Family: Together with her daughter Pharah.

Brought Down to Badass: Lost her cybernetic eye during her last mission with Overwatch and has refused to get it replaced by either a new prosthetic or through Mercy growing her a new one. The lack of it only slowed her down a tad.

Brutal Honesty: When Reaper tries to say that teaming up with her is like old times, she says that it is..."except for the part where [he] became a homocidal murderer".

Chameleon Camouflage: As seen in her character trailer, her sniper's cloak helps her blend in with her surroundings as realistically as a real-life sniper can do. When put in the Anubis map, her cloak adopts traces of brown to fit in with the desert color scheme.

The Chick: Despite her skills as an elite sniper and later becoming Morrison's Number Two after Overwatch was established, Ana remained acutely aware that she was a killer, albeit one which had a better reputation than most. This weighed on her as time went on.

Cold Sniper: She used to be one in her prime, but later came to regret all of the lives she had taken. Has moved into Friendly Sniper territory since.

Cool Old Lady: To the younger Overwatch members. Winston mentions to Pharah that her mother was a hero to him and "all of us". Hell, even McCree calls her "ma'am", with respect.

Combat Medic: More ranged than Mercy, as Ana fights from afar.

Deadpan Snarker: Several of her lines and interactions have her as this.

Dented Iron: While she's still fighting in the present day, she's no longer a crackshot like she was in her prime, due to having had her dominant eye shot out. As such, she became a supporting hero.

Even Evil Has Loved Ones: She's not evil herself, but in the comic that was released after she was added to the game, after giving a rundown of her team and their families, she acknowledges that her enemies most likely have people that care about them too.

Eye Scream: She lost her right eye during a moment of hesitation via Scope Snipe thanks to Widowmaker. While she knows that she can probably get it fixed (especially since it was already a cybernetic implant to begin with), she decided to leave her wound as it is as a personal reminder.

Faking the Dead: She was content to let many people believe she died after her failed mission hospitalized her. She most probably received help from her medical team regarding the cover-up.

Follow in My Footsteps: Subverted. Despite what her former co-workers assumed, Ana never wanted her daughter to join Overwatch, since Pharah would be exposed to the same violence and death as she had been and forced to make the same difficult decisions as she had done.

Friendly Sniper: Her shots heal allies. You can't get more friendly than that.

Gone Horribly Right: A non-negative example, except from Ana's personal perspective. Ana's main motivation in the old days of Overwatch was to create a better future for her daughter and to set an example that taught her to stand up for what's right. That's why she made it so that Fareeha would grow up in the presence of heroic role models. It worked — but to Ana's horror, it worked too well. Fareeha didn't just look up to those heroes, she wanted to join them.

Handicapped Badass: You'd think that the loss of an eye would be a detriment to a sniper, but Ana makes it work.

Hypocritical Humor: Ana, who faked her death for years, a very close friend of Jack Morrison, who also faked his death for years, has an unlockable "Everybody dies." voiceline.

I Did What I Had to Do: She didn't like the horrible things she did in her career, but she justified it as Just Following Orders. That, and killing her foes was a much better option than letting innocents die.

I Was Quite a Looker: She looked like a long-haired Pharah when she was younger. Now, her hair has gone completely white, and she shows visible signs of aging. She knows she's still hot though.Ana: [Upon killing a young opponent] Age before Beauty, and I've got you on both.

Knight in Sour Armor: Ana will still do the correct thing, but like Mercy, she's not too sold on the idea of Overwatch coming back.

Like Mother, Like Daughter: Double Subverted. Ana and Pharah are very different types of people, in terms of personality. And Ana never wanted her daughter to experience the horrors of war, and tried to discourage her from joining the military. Subverted because Pharah still inherited her mother's ideals of courage and justice, and although Pharah went against her wishes, Ana is very proud of her. When Pharah gets a kill, Ana proudly states, "Like mother, like daughter".

Mama Bear: She is called this by her teammates in the Legacy comic. When they were attacked by two snipers she ignored the retreat orders and went after them. It didn't end well.

Missing Mom: Pharah tells Winston that he "probably" knew her mother better than she did. In hindsight, it was Pharah putting Winston down gently as she realised that he idolised Ana, without knowing what truly happened to her.

Military Superhero: A member of a legendary strike team that became the foundation of Overwatch.

Moe Greene Special: Years ago in Egypt, she was on the receiving end of this courtesy of Widowmaker, as shown in Legacy. Miraculously, she survived and is now back in the fight once again, now sporting an Eyepatch of Power.

A Mother to Her Men: She was this to her soldiers back in the days of Overwatch. One even called her "Mama Bear."

My Greatest Failure: She still regrets the moment of hesitation she suffered when she had Widowmaker in her sights, giving Widowmaker the opportunity to take the first shot. It's implied that Ana's mistake led to the failure of the mission and the deaths of many innocent people. Despite offers to have her blown-out eye restored, she chooses to keep it the way it is, as a personal reminder of her life-ending blunder.

Never Mess with Granny: Ana is in her 60s by the time of the game. She was in combat operations as late as her 50s.

Not So Different: In the comic short "Old Soldiers", because he was also kept in the dark about what really happened on that failed mission, Reaper believed that Ana was also screwed over by Overwatch, left to die by Morrison and her comrades after she was injured by Widowmaker. When they meet up again some years later, Reaper invokes this trope in hopes it'll earn him an ally.

Number Two: Was Strike Commander Morrison's second-in-command, according to her profile.

Parents as People: While Ana tried to raise her daughter as best as she can, training her in both martial arts and raising her alongside the greatest heroes of their time, some of Pharah's lines in-game when interacting with former Overwatch members seem to indicate that she may not have been the best mother to Pharah. Following her playable reveal, it's shown not to be as bad as previously thought: she was an alright parent, but simply didn't like the idea of Pharah joining Overwatch, trying to prevent her daughter from suffering the same moral dilemmas and tragedy that she did.

Retired Badass: She briefly retired from hero work after nearly being killed by Widowmaker, but eventually returned to her old line of work when she could no longer ignore the state the world was in.

Seen It All: Part of her snarky demeanor comes from the fact that she's seen the worst the world can offer and has survived it. While healing her teammates, she'll tell them things like "I've seen worse. You're going to live" and when respawning, she states "I've come back from worse". One pre-fight line she has also goes, "There's nothing I haven't seen before. Stick together — we will complete our mission."

Shell-Shocked Veteran: Time and war had not been kind to Ana. First, the reason why she got heavily injured was the realization that it was her former friend (Amelie/Widowmaker) who's the villain, causing her to hesitate and get gravely injured (she couldn't even know about how Talon modified her to be like that). Then, not only did she had to deal with Overwatch's fall and the separation of her former friends (with one of them performing a Face–Heel Turn), but the things she did in her career constantly plague her conscience. Despite what her co-workers believed, she hoped that Pharah (who idolized Overwatch) would never become an Overwatch agent so she wouldn't experience the same horrors she had to go through. Her guilt and regret was to the point where she even believed that people assuming she was killed by Widowmaker was for the best.

The Snark Knight: Ana is one of the snarkiest characters in the entire game, with many of her lines, emotes, and highlight intros have her behaving in a mocking, humorous tone.

So Proud of You: Although Pharah doesn't believe it to be the case, Ana does show that she's proud of what her daughter has become. Most notably, if she witnesses Pharah get a kill, she'll state, "Like mother, like daughter".

Stepford Snarker: Ana is deeply troubled, conflicted, and haunted by her past — both the people she's failed to save and those she killed herself. She never fully recovered from the horrors of war. In the years since she faked her death, however, she's developed a very snarky attitude and penchant for trolling. The majority of her lines in-game are either motherly words of encouragement or one-liners mocking her opponents. Or, in the case of Pharah...Both.

Team Mom: She is very protective of her team and often tries to calm down injured allies while she heals them.

10-Minute Retirement: Her defeat at the hands of Widowmaker took her out of the game for only a few years at most; Old Soldiers establishes that she was operating in the shadows even before her official reappearance, much like Soldier 76.

Troll: In her elderly years, Ana has developed a knack for jokes and quips specifically designed to mock opponents or get under their skin. Glimpses of Ana in her youth have shown her as serious and focused. The current Ana, however, does things like throw her enemies' catchphrases back at them after a kill, feign motherly concern for them while putting them to sleep, brush off their own insults with sarcastic quips, and specifically insult them or people they once cared about to get under their skin.

Unwitting Instigator of Doom: We're not given the exact sequence of events, but it was entirely possible that Reinhardt's forced retirement was due to the fallout from that fateful mission (whereby Ana's age was blamed for its failure). Without her and Reinhardt around, it seemed inevitable that Reyes and Morrison will come to blows that day at the Swiss HQ. in Old Soldiers, Reyes flat out believed that Ana was left behind to die after that mission, without knowing (or caring) that she deliberately hid her survival from the world.

You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Although she presumably never let McCree know about it, she already considers him worthy of being mentioned as one of the heroes in Overwatch whom Pharah grew up with. Mind you, Mac was only a few years older than Pharah and at the time, his days as an outlaw were not that far behind him yet.

You Fight Like a Cow: Ana's lines typically mock her opponents. In particular, for one Bond One-Liner, she asks: "Who taught you to fight like that?!"

[themanyfacesofkat]

Just a “small” vent

I hate it when I’m brushed off as if my problems mean nothing, my step brother just always HAS to have it worse than me.

I was talking with him earlier and I don’t remember why but I was prompted to say “I have severe anxiety” because I DO. It’s mostly for social situations, of course I have anxiety about other things like grades and doing good, but my MAIN hangup is social situations.

Immediately he invalidates it by saying “at least you don’t have anxiety as bad as me” then proceeds to tell me about how he’s anxious about everything and the general fear of fucking up. He could have said that without fucking brushing me off as if my problems didn’t matter.

I know he probably didn’t really mean it like that but it hurts. It fucking hurts.

I’m worried that I annoyed several people into stopping communication with me

I’m still hung up over something stupid and disgusting I said in third grade and how it effected that person’s view on me even though its possible they dont even remember it

I’m still hung up over a small tantrum I threw in fourth grade because I didn’t fucking understand how to play scrabble

Whenever I talk about one thing in particular for an extended amount of time I’m worried I’m boring the other person

Whenever I go on a tangent I’m worried the person’s not happy I began talking about something unrelated to what we were previously talking about.

I’m worried I’m being too loud or too quiet

If I’m talking to someone I feel the need to respond as soon as humanly possible and I feel bad if I have to tell them I’m busy doing something at the moment

Whenever someone’s flirting with me I just feel like they have some ulterior motive

For some reason I’m convinced the former friend I have who’s now in Germany is still mad at me for “fucking up” a toxic relationship he had with two of my other friends even though I haven’t spoken to him since high school and our mutual friend tells me he’s indifferent towards me

I feel bad when I take a long time to type shit because often times people think I’m about to go on a full on fucking rant, I’m not, I’m just trying to figure out how to say something properly and I take a while to think. I use the time to type as thinking carefully over my words, something I’m unable to do IRL because when I talk it’s near unfiltered

I had a fucking breakdown in the car while trying to learn to drive because I was so stressed out from seven minutes behind the wheel because I was going too slow, my step mom paniced and grabbed the wheel when she thought I was too close to the edge, I didn’t even want to be there

I’m concerned that my method of making friends is fucking weird when it’s observing how a particular group or person acts, determining if my general personality is compatible with theirs, and acting in a manner that helps me properly mesh with the dynamic until I find a way to comfortably exsist within it

I’m worried I’m too inconsistant with how I act and behave, it’s erratic depending on who I’m talking to, what time of day it is, how I’m feeling, and what room I’m in. I’m much nicer at night while in the morning I’m borderline homocidal and during the day it can swing either way, my dynamic with the person in question matters too.

I’m still hung up over sophmore year when I had to call my dad to come get me and ditched my date at prom because I didn’t want to be there in the first place but he was the friend of a friend and his promposal was in front of a large window while kids were coming into the school and the rest of the rotunda had people going along and the rest of my friend group was there so I felt like I had to accept and he went off to hang out with friends because I was boring while I was left sitting at a table alone because I literally didn’t know anyone else there and wasn’t having any fun and thus led to me adamantly refusing to go to my own Junior and Senior prom.

I’m convinced I’m a shitty sister, friend, daughter, aquaintance, I don’t know how people stand me, I’m annoying as shit, I’m violent, a terrible talker and conversationalist, I don’t even know how I have friends at this point, it’s a mystery. Maybe I’m the friend people just tolerate because they feel bad for me

People in school were always surprised that I knew how to swear and be loud, meanwhile immediate family was always surprised when I shut the fuck up for more than five minutes.

My art’s not good, I’m ugly as shit, my grades are shit, I’m 87-90 pounds, I’m weak, I’m too emotional, not emotional enough, not exhibiting the right emotion or behavior and a particular thing, my sleep schedule is broken, my opinions might be wrong, people are watching me, everyone will remember everything I do, am I coming off as a narricist? Am I coming off as a know it all? Am I talking about myself too much? Am I annoying them? My writing’s shit, I’m singing wrong, I forgot, I don’t put in enough effort, I’m a functioning disaster, am I not being clear enough? Did I accidentally upset someone? I lost track of time, I fucked this up for this person and it’s my fault. The instructor/professor forgot I needed help again? Do I need help too much? Do I ask too many questions? Am I a terrible person? Did I make the wrong choice? I’m not worth it.

I’m my worst critic, I critically judge every single thing I do and tell myself I can do better, I can be better, I’m not supposed to fuck up. While I’m in the process of fucking up, I am 100% aware of what I’m doing most of the time but I can’t stop it and I don’t know why. I don’t need to hear “mine is worse than yours” when you don’t even know the things that eat away at me every moment I’m conscious.