#my heart goes out to his friends family and maya (?) (who i imagine is probably getting far more hate rn than necessary)

[djarinova]

i did watch Liam's story last night before i went to sleep (bad idea) and one of (or maybe even the very) last things he posted was a photo with niall after his concert. im so

[corklen]

Exploring an idea

I have written A LOT of angsty Farkle Minkus fanfiction throughout my teenage years. He was my vassal for exploring complex family structures and learning how to write good stories. He was a sponge for my ideas.

My main question in writing these kinds of stories was unpacking Farkle Minkus's family structure and how it has impacted him. Using that I would expand the stories into how it impacted his relationships, mental health and self image.

One possible idea for unpacking him within the Minkus family that I never touched was if his father died. I did write one with his mother's death but never with his father's.

Imagine, Farkle whom doesn't have that great of a relationship with his father finally express it. Not like in Money, but in a more volcanic way. Where his anger and pain starts spilling out.

Like he passes out in class and we can FINALLY address that pothole. But either of his parents are there and this makes Farkle really upset. So Farkle is kinda just stuck at the hospital, and the friend group tries in lots of silly ways to break into the hospital to see him. Finally Farkle is let out by his dad who had a communication breakdown with his mother and thought she had gotten him. Farkle is livid, yelling at his dad. Farkle refuses to stay at his house as he doesnt wanna talk to his dad and sleeps in Riley's closet (without Mr.Matthews knowing). When Mr.Matthews finds out, he forces Farkle to talk to his dad and his dad finally comes to his senses and decides to retire. This choice causes his parents to divorce but its seen in a positive light. Like maybe this relationship isnt healthy and we need to put our sons needs before our own wants and needs.

Farkle is happy and all is well. He feels loved by others (maybe not quite loving himself) but nonetheless life is great.... until his father dies of an unexplained heart condition reason.

His breakdown happens in 10th grade and his father's death happens in 11th grade. Farkle is shocked, upset and determine to find a the reason and cure for his father's death. He refuses to talk to his Mother as he blames her. Justly neurotic, he almost fails out of school and breaks up with Smackle.

This whole thing puts a strain of on the friend group. Lucas confronts Farkle as its been a couple months and he's still acting "normal". His causes a fight and a whole 'Texas Lucas Arch'. Riley chooses Farkle's side, saying they cant just let him go. Lucas and Riley break up, its only until the couple days before Senior year Farkle and Lucas are able to reconnect.

Senior year starting, Farkle's finally reconnecting with his mother and coming to terms with the lost of his dad. He works with Smackle to develop a drug that pretty solves what his dad died from (probably some super scienceity and rare heart disease). Farkle wants Smackle to be the face of the treatment drug, super sweet moment. He is no longer basing his self worth on academic achievement.

Farkle gets into every college, the whole dead dad and solving a rare heart disease is a golden ticket. But the rest of the gang aren't so lucky, expect for Riley who gets on the waitlist as Yale. Farkle decides to give up his spot to hopefully get Riley off the waitlist. Riley gets super mad at this and wants to get in by herself, so she writes an essay on a bay window on campus that connects to her own.

Riley ends up getting off the waitlist and learns that Farkle still had his spot. He had never called the school to give her his spot. This makes Riley realize how much Farkle cares about her and she's like "It's always been him."

Farkle gives a killer valedictorian speed, Smackle was also valedictorian but gave the speed to Farkle. Riley runs in late for some reason, and tells Farkle how much she loves him and how its always been him. They have a sweet kiss and everyone cheers.

Farkle and Riley both go to Yale and Maya goes to the small art school next to Yale. (Smackle doesnt go to college because she's too smart, Lucas goes to play baseball at Wake Forest and Zay gets into lacrosse at made up top lacrosse school).

[supercorpkid]

Can you keep a secret?

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader, Alex Danvers x Niece!Reader, Kelly Olsen x Niece!Reader

Word count: 2960.

For this to make sense, please read New Girl first

She kisses you. And you kiss her back. And your body feels out of control. Your heart races, your palms get sweaty, your breath gets caught in your lungs, because you’re kissing. You’re finally doing what you’ve been thinking about for at least a week.

You were too scared to admit this to yourself, because you know that in your life people don’t usually tend to give you a chance past your name, and you were sure Maya would get up and leave one day and never look back to the freaks she was once friends with.

A smile is stuck in your lips, even while you kiss. You are not dumb, you’re not a stupid, and you’re not a damn fool. She does like you, and she does see more than the Luthor name. And so, you’re kissing your only friend. Jamie’s only friend.

“Oh.” You say when she steps away from you, and she chuckles.

“Rao, you’re such a weirdo.” Maya has a smile on her face and you can see she doesn’t mean it like she meant yesterday. This time it’s not a bad thing. You feel your cheeks getting hotter and you know you’re blushing like a total loser.

“Oh God, you’re saying Rao now.” You smile back at her. You think about how the word ‘God’ just rolled out of your tongue so effortless. How kissing her was so easy, and good, and how right it felt.

You always thought your powers would kill you, but now, while you’re reaching for her hand and she lets you hold it, now you know it’s the normalcy that will kill you. This strong powerful feeling of just being -aside from all the strength and intelligence- this is what might make your heart explode in your chest and just kill you.

“Shall we go to class?” She asks, and you look at the dimples on her cheeks and you just want to kiss her more. And forever.

“If we must.”

You don’t let go of her hand and she doesn’t let go of yours. The whole school can stop and watch for all you care. They can throw tomatoes and call you freaks. They can tell you to kill yourself as much as they would like to, because for once, you don’t fucking care. You don’t.

“Where the hell were you guys?” Jamie asks when she sees both of you going inside the classroom. It takes her a few seconds to acknowledge your intertwined fingers. She drops her mouth comically low and you smile. “Shut up.”

“What?” You let go of Maya’s hand to sit on the same place you always do. She goes to the desk behind Jamie.

“I mean, I saw it coming, but-” Jamie says and you laugh. How the hell did she see it coming when you didn’t see it yourself? “Oh my God!” She talks a little louder. “I thought you were going to be single forever, but I’m the one who will!”

“Oh no, big-Danvers.” You put your hand on her shoulder. “You’re gonna find someone.”

“Yeah, Jamie!” Maya agrees, putting her hand on top of yours, making you blush again. “We can even help you, if you want.”

“Uh.” Jamie huffs. “How is it that you’re both already super annoying about it?”

You smile at the teacher who’s about to start the class. You smile at Jamie next to you. You smile at Maya. You smile at the window, and the colleagues that hate you. You smile at everyone. You haven’t felt like this before in your life.

Sure, you are loved by your moms, your aunts, cousins (Conner here included), and maybe even both of your grandmothers. But this is family. You don’t think Maya loves you, but she is interested, and she wants to get to know you, and that alone feels amazing and like being loved, especially because this is what? The first time?

“Quit smirking at me, I’m serious!” Jamie kicks your cast next to you and your smile widens, unbothered.

“Hey, don’t kick her. You’re going to hurt her.” Maya jumps to your defense, making you smile harder.

“I’m not smirking!” You defend yourself, while totally smirking at Jamie.

“Well, quit doing whatever it is that you’re doing with your face, dipshit.”

“This is me with a cheery disposition. A ray of sunshine in a mist of gloom. Don’t put a cloud over my sunshine.”

“Jesus Christ, you sound like aunt Kara.” Jamie says and you think about it. You do sound like your momma.

“Rain cloud.” You tease, but you stop smiling.

Your chemistry teacher is talking nonstop and you hear words, but they’re not processed in your brain. You have other things to think about. Better things to dream about. Are you actually going to be annoying about the mere fact that you’ve kissed a girl?

“Hey, there she is!” Kara says excitedly when you walk in the living room later that night. “Where were you?”

“School?” You half answer, half ask. It’s not a lie, you were actually in school, but you weren’t doing school’s stuff at all. Unless school stuff involves you kissing Maya all afternoon.

“Oh, how was it? I know you didn’t want to go today.” Kara says and your legs tremble and you flick your eyes to Lena for a second, hoping she didn’t hear what Kara said. Even though she is basically sitting on Kara’s lap, arms tangled around her shoulders, face buried in the crook of Kara’s neck.

“You didn’t?” Lena snaps her head at you, and she already sounds worried. “Because of that girl?”

“What girl?” Kara asks, sitting up straight, making Lena untangle herself from her. You see the crinkle on her forehead peeking out of her furrowed brows, and you just want to dig a hole and fall to the center of the Earth to make this conversation stop.

“No one.” You answer fast. “There’s no girl. There’s no reason, I was just tired and being lazy, and I thought it would work.”

That could be true. And you know that any other parents would think exactly that, if their kid asked to skip class. But then again, you are not any other kid, and your moms are not any other parents.

“There was a girl.” Lena comes back to it and you close your eyes, feeling your heart squeezing in your chest. Damn it. “We saw a girl from her school at the mall yesterday, and she politely said hi and the girl-”

“Mom!” You yell to stop her. “It wasn’t a big deal! She just said I was weird.”

“WHAT?” Kara stands up immediately at the sound of that.

“I AM weird!” You shrug and Kara puts each hand on your arm, squeezing them gently.

“You are not weird! You’re amazing! This girl is a bully and you shouldn’t listen to her.” Kara kisses the top of your head and you breath deep. Good luck telling them that you just spent the entire afternoon kissing the lips of this bully.

“Ok, whatever, listen-” You untangle yourself from Kara, but she holds your hand not letting you go far.

“No baby, you listen to me.” Kara puts one lock of your hair behind your ear. “You’re amazing! Anyone who can’t see that it’s not worth having by your side. So, forget about this girl!”

But you can’t. You can’t forget about her, and her smile, her dimples, her bright hazel eyes, and the way she rolls her tongue when she says ‘Rao’. You can’t stop thinking about the fact that she says Rao in the first place, and that she looks incredibly cute while doing so. You can’t stop thinking about her flushed face after you two kissed. The way she keeps asking if your leg hurts, and drawing little hearts on your cast.

“Okay?” Kara says squeezing your shoulder gently. You’re taken away from your memories and you look at her shaking her head in denial.

“You guys are making a bigger deal than it is.” You untangle your shoulder from your momma’s hand. “Jamie calls me weird all the time and no one makes a fuss about it.”

“Because Jamie says it as a joke.” Lena says, and you look at her rolling your eyes. “She wasn’t joking, baby.”

“Ok, whatever. I just can’t ignore everyone who calls me weird, nerd or freak, can I?”

“Wait, what? Is that, love, is this happening at school? Are people calling you those names?” Lena stands up too, and you brace yourself for probably the longest speech you’ve ever heard. But then your phone rings a text, and you look down to it and can’t help a smile that comes.

“Um, no.” You look back at them. “It was a hypothetical situation. Now if you two don’t mind, I have homework.”

They don’t even have time to answer and you’re going back to your room the faster you can run with your leg cast still on. You throw yourself in bed and look at the text you just got.

Maya: Hey you 😊

You: Hello right back at ya!

Maya: Whatcha doin’?

You: Trying to do my homework, when all I can think about is you.

“Kid.” Kara puts her head inside your bedroom and you look up from your phone. “How’s that homework going?”

“Huh?” You furrow your brows, it takes a while to hit, but you finally realize what she means. “I’ll start in a minute.”

“Sooooo…” Kara sits on your bed trying to read your phone. “Who are you texting?”

“Um, the only person I text?” Why are you lying? You don’t even know. Actually, you do know. How the hell will you tell your moms that Maya is not bad and she doesn’t think, well she thinks you’re a weirdo, but not like they are imagining.

“Little one.” Kara calls you again, and you raise your eyes at her. “You’ve mentioned the people from your school don’t like you.”

“Mhm.” Eyes flickering back to the screen, waiting for an answer.

“Do they call you names?” Kara holds your chin up, and doesn’t let go, even when she hears a little ring on your phone. “Hey, Jamie can wait. Please talk to me.”

“I just don’t understand why you’re so worried about it now.” You shrug. “It’s nothing new. And trust me, that girl, she-she is not bad.”

“How is she not bad? She could’ve just said hi.”

“I know, but… It’s her mom who has it for the Luthors. Not her.” You breathe deep.

“How can you defend people who can’t even see past your name?” Kara asks and you smile at her, almost laughing.

“Please, like you don’t defend people who do worst things?” You untangle yourself from her hands and kiss her forehead. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course!”

“I got this, ok? You don’t need to worry.” Kara reluctantly agrees with her head.

“Will you tell me if I ever need to?”

“Yeah.” You kiss her head once more. “For sure.” You get up from your bed and sit on your desk. “Now I’m actually going to do my homework.”

“Ok.” Kara gets up too. “Dinner in an hour.”

But you obviously don’t work on your homework. You text and flirt, and smile to yourself like a loser, and you feel so happy that if you didn’t have a cast on, you would probably just float away like a balloon.

The week goes by in a blur. Time moves fast when you’re having fun, isn’t it right? You have stayed after class every day. Hiding yourself away with your girlfriend, kissing under the bleachers, feeling like a real teenage girl. If your colleagues had something to say about it, you wouldn’t know. Basically, because when you’re around Maya, all of them just become background noise.

It’s Saturday afternoon, you’re watching TV in the living room with your moms, but you’re anxiously waiting for the Olsen-Danvers to show up, so your aunt Alex can remove your cast. When you hear the doorbell, you’re out by the door before Kara and Lena even have time to acknowledge where the sound came from.

“Oh my God, finally!” You open the door and your response is furrowed brows.

“Did you just say God?” Aunt Alex holds your hand for support, even though you don’t need it anymore, and you sit on the first surface you see.

“Take it off. Pleaaaaase, please just free me from this prison! Take it oooooff!” You plead exaggeratedly and Alex gets on her knees to help you. “I’ve been counting the minutes.” You see your moms going inside the kitchen to meet everyone.

“Kid, you didn’t even let them settle.” Kara notices everything Kelly is holding and helps her with the bags.

“I did.” You didn’t though. “I just can’t take this anymore.” You look back at Jamie. “We can go flying!”

“Oh please, you just want to go see your gir-OW!” She screams when she feels your elbow on her ribcage.

“See who?” Lena asks, but the sound is drowned down by your excited yell when Alex finally removes the cast and you see your leg.

“FINALLY!” You stand up in one movement. “Would you look at that, I’m as good as new!” You use your superspeed rounding everyone in the kitchen, getting different reactions. Kara and Jamie are cheering excitedly, Alex is yelling that you should go slow, Lena is telling you to stop using your powers inside the house and she’s scared you might break something, and Kelly is just watching it all play out. You stop next to Jamie and grab her waist. “Don’t wait for us, we’re going flying!”

And flying you go despite all the protests you hear in the background. You missed flying so much. For the first time in your life, you realize that you love your powers, even though you can’t control them perfectly, you love them, and you don’t want them to go away ever again.

“Stop, stop.” Jamie asks and you land in your training center, looking very confused. “You didn’t tell them. You finally found yourself a girlfriend and you didn’t tell your moms about it.”

“I didn’t tell them yet.” You roll your eyes. “It’s not like I’ll be able to hide it forever.”

Jamie was ready to talk back when her phone rang.

“It’s your momma.” She picks it up. “Hey, aunt Kara. Yeah. No, it’s fine. Ok. Sure, I’ll tell her. Ok. Yeah. Bye.” Jamie looks at you. “Well, apparently you’re going to tell them now, because you left your phone at home and Maya texted.”

“Oh no!” Your eyes grow big and before Jamie can even blink you already picked her up, flew home, and landed in the backyard.

“Never. Do. That. Again.” She bends over and forces a vomit, but nothing comes out. You usually fly at a slower speed so she doesn’t feel sick.

“Sorry. Now, please, act cool.” You help her up, and go inside the house, to the kitchen where they are all together. “We’re back.”

“Great! How was the flying?” Kara asks and looks at Jamie, looking green next to you. “Flew too fast?” You both agree with your head.

Your moms look at each other like having a telepathic conversation that no one else can understand. Is Kara who breaks eye contact first.

“Some girl named Maya texted you.” She says pointing at your phone on the counter. You look at Jamie. “And apparently she misses you.”

“Oh. That’s nice.” Aunt Alex is the first one to have a reaction. You just stand there unmoving for a few seconds.

“Cool, well, thanks.” You grab your phone from the counter and run to your bedroom so you can answer the text. But you know you left Jamie behind, and that they’ll make her talk, so you use your super hearing .

“Jamie?” You hear Kara’s voice. “Who’s Maya?”

“Maya? I’m not sure…” Jamie’s voice comes next. You smile at the fact that she’s still keeping your secret.

“Should we worry?” It’s Lena’s voice that comes now.

“No! Not at all. Nothing to worry about. Well, I’m gonna-Yep.” It doesn’t take long until Jamie walks in your room and you smile at her. “Make me lie again, and I’ll figure out a way to kill you.”

She throws herself in your bed next to you, but you don’t lift your eyes from the text on your screen. You have the biggest dopiest smile ever.

“I don’t understand why you haven’t told them right there.” She pokes you in the face, and you shrug.

“Why haven’t you told your moms that you’re not gay?” You ask her back and she huffs.

“Not the same thing.” Jamie mumbles and you agree with your head.

“Last time Lena saw a boy in my lab she threatened to fire him, told Kara, and Kara followed him around National City dressed as Supergirl. Now poor Luke thinks Supergirl wants to leave him in Siberia just because he talked to me.” You raise your eyebrow at her. “And you wonder why I haven’t told them.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about the Luke thing.” Jamie breathes deep next to you. She slaps the phone out of your hands, and it falls on your face, making her laugh uncontrollable. “I should have filmed it and sent it to Maya.”

“It didn’t even hurt.” You pout. It didn’t hurt, but you know you looked stupid. “Ok, you know what? I’ll tell them about Maya, and you’ll tell them you’re not gay.”

“Those things are not codependent.” She first says, but then sighs like she’s agreeing. “Ok, whatever. Let’s have the most awkward family dinner ever.”

“Oh, I love awkward dinners.”

Notes:

@itzyourgirlnat prompt idea was that Lena and Kara found out on their own, se here it goes :)

[galaxina-the-pyro]

Any headcanons for Phineas and Isabella after Act Your Age? I'm curious! (:

The thing is, is that...I...don’t really FOLLOW the canon of “Act Your Age” entirely? If at all? Like, even while I considered AYA to be my top episode, I always thought of ways of how it could’ve gone differently. I’m on the boat that says that Phineas and Isabella should’ve gotten together in HIGHSCHOOL, rather than towards their college years, like...the whole episode, as much as I love it, is convoluted.

Which is the POINT - the episode was trying to parody those cheesy romance films where the main couple gets together at the end after falling out and stuff. But...that just doesn’t FIT Phineas and Isabella. In fact, it paints them both in a bit of a negative light, which would’ve been GREAT for character development if we could’ve actually...seen it? Like, was there a falling out, or was Isabella just too busy to hang out with Phineas during that particular Summer? Phineas said it himself that he hadn’t seen her much THAT Summer - that doesn’t mean they didn’t hang out AT ALL, that sort of implies that they tried to stay in touch.

And you’re telling me that Phineas would say things like “the friendzone”? Again - that’s part of the trope. Phineas and Ferb are known for tearing a part those things and making fun of them, but like...I dunno, I feel like they could’ve gone a different route.

So, while I DID like AYA and stuff, I do know of it’s flaws and it DOES feel like a badly written fanfiction or even a fever dream Isabella had as a child.

Regardless, I suppose I have a couple headcanons for the two post AYA:

-Phineas and Isabella have dorms that are right across from each other, continuing the “girl across the street” trend

-Phineas and Isabella like trying to surprise each other with gifts, but both are terrible at surprises; the only thing that ever surprised either of them was their first Christmas as a couple, where they gave each other similar gifts without planning to, and declared that they had reached the level of “soulmates”

-After the first year of college, Phineas goes to a college out of state, leaving his friends and family (and most of all Isabella) behind; he and Isabella text each other everyday, and FaceTime/call as regularly as possible

-During this time, there’s an incident where some jerk tried to make the moves on Isabella, and when Isabella retold the story to Phineas, suddenly their conversation went completely silent. Three days passed, and Isabella was incredibly worried until Phineas came to her college campus and proceeded to hound down the punk who bothered her. Needless to say, Isabella thought that was a wonderful gesture, if not a bit excessive

-Phineas tries to propose to Isabella towards the end of their Senior Year in college, but the Mysterious Force foils each and every one of his attempts and big gestures until he’s had enough, marches over to Isabella while his shirt is on fire (leave that up to your imagination for now), gets down on one knee, and proposes with the passion of a raging tiger. His frustration dies down the moment Isabella says yes.

-Candace is ultimately the one who plans their wedding (ala, “Candace’s Big Day”); Ferb is Phineas’ best man, Gretchen is Isabella’s “Maid of Honor” while the rest of the Firesidelums are Bridesmaids, Buford, Baljeet, Django, and Irving are Groomsmen along with a long lost cousin of Phineas’

-Phineas and Isabella are both the type of people to want a lot of kids. I’d imagine that when Isabella was younger, she probably wanted, like, twenty babies, but after giving birth the first time she came to the reasonable conclusion that, at max, she’d want six (in MY little corner of the universe, they end up having four, currently: Aaron, Maya and Kayla, and Ian. But they’re considering having another)

-Not really POST AYA, but like, there's no way that the "what-if" moments in "What Might Have Been" didn't happen, so either they reenact those moments unintentionally while they're together (maybe this time PHINEAS gets salmonella and Isabella tends to HIM, lol), or they DID have those moments together but saw them as completely platonic even though they were CLEARLY having moments and everyone around them is just like:

And that’s pretty much it? But then again, all of these HCs can be taken out of AYA canon entirely and fit into other storylines where Phineas and Isabella got together in highschool or even a bit earlier than that (unrealistic or not, I like the idea of Phineas and Isabella just being together for a long time because...they’re so wholesome). But yeah - that’s my AYA headcanons that I currently have, lol

(Also, this was cute, but it HURTS so much that Isabella grew out of saying "Whatcha Dooin", it breaks my heart, but it's like? Such growth. My baby is growing up too fast and I don't know how to handle it, aaaahhhhh)

[calpalirwin]

Heart Wins

Summary: Single dad Michael hires a babysitter for his son.

A/N: Not the collab! Ha! Could you imagine?

Word Count: 2.4k

And away, and away we go!

__

“So, I would just need someone to watch him during the day so I can get some studio time in,” Michael told Maya. “I mean, he’s pretty lowkey. Likes to swim in the pool, watch cartoons, basic little kid stuff. I’ll try to keep my schedule as regular as possible, but there might be times I’ll ask you if you can stay later or even help me out on weekends if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s not a problem,” Maya smiled. “And the studio is where?”

“Here, mostly. We try to do what we can at our own places before paying out the ass for ‘professional’ studio time. And since I have Tidus, we usually work here. I just can’t be focused on working with them and watching Tidus at the same time. I mean, it’s not glorious or anything on your end. But, like I said, the kid’s pretty lowkey. And you’ll have the run of the place, so feel free to do whatever. But yeah… any, uh, questions?”

“Um, no I don’t- oh! What happens when you go off on tour?”

“I double your pay?” Michael laughed. “Honestly, I’m not too sure. I’m not set to leave anywhere for about another four months, so if you haven’t run for the hills for something better we can discuss it more then?”

Maya nodded, looking around the house wondering why on Earth she would ever want to give up a sweet ass job like this. “Works for me.”

“Alright,” Michael said, clapping his hands against his thighs and standing up. “I guess I’ll just show you where Tidus is, and leave you guys to it.”

She followed him through the house, up the stairs to a bedroom that had been converted into a playroom. A little boy of no more than 3 or 4 sat in the middle of a comfortable looking couch, his attention held by the cartoon playing on the large television. “Ti,” Michael got the boy’s attention. “This is Maya. She’s gonna watch you for a bit. Can you say hi?”

“Hi,”

“Hey, bud. Whatcha watchin’?” she asked, moving around to sit beside him.

“Pokemon!”

“Oh, cool! I love Pokemon. Who’s your favorite?”

“Pikachu.”

Michael smiled. “Alright, Ti. Maya’s the boss.”

“‘Kay.”

“I’ll be in the basement if you need me for anything,” Michael directed the statement at Maya. “Other than that, make yourself at home.”

“Thank you, Michael.”

~~~

“Maya,” a small voice whispered. “Psst… Maya!”

“Mmm? Wha?” Maya asked, yawning and opening her eyes to find a pair of light green eyes peering back at her under a cloud of soft yellow hair. “AAAHHHH!” She retreated to where her bed met the wall. “Tidus, are you tryin’ to kill me?!”

The six year old laughed. “Sorry… Dad said I wasn’t supposed to wake you…”

“But why would you do a silly thing like listen to your dad?” she questioned with her own laugh.

“Exactly! He’s not the boss of me. You are!”

“Nice save, kid.” She threw back the covers and sat up. “You want pancakes don’t ya?”

“Yes, please!”

“Alright. Your dad in the studio with your uncles?”

“They were there all night!” Tidus told her dramatically as they walked downstairs to the kitchen.

She frowned as she tried to remember what time her phone had said when she finally heard Michael’s footsteps on the stairs and the close of his door. Close to 2 am she was sure. And he’d probably only slept for a few hours before heading back down. He probably hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning, too close to a break through with the newest album to focus on much else. “Do you think they’re hungry?” she asked the boy.

“We’re gonna have to make the whole box,” Tidus giggled.

“Then let’s make the whole box.”

“Can we make a bunch of different kinds?!”

“Of course we can!”

“Whoohoo!”

A half hour and at least six different types of pancakes later, Maya and Tidus made their way to the basement studio. Tidus carefully carried the stack of plates while Maya held the platter of assorted pancakes, a bottle of syrup tucked under her arm. “Knock knock!” they yelled loudly. “Special delivery!” Maya kept up with it as she let them into the room.

The four adult men turned their heads at the intrusion. “That’s a lot of pancakes,” Michael spoke first, stepping forward to help Tidus with the plates before he dropped them.

“Yeah, we went a little overboard,” Maya responded, setting down the platter on the little table in the room. “Figured you guys must be starving.”

“You figured right. Thanks.”

“Oh, I just made the food. Was Ti’s idea.”

“Ti…” Michael said sternly to his son. “I told you to let her sleep.”

“But you said Maya was the boss. You never said I had to listen to you, too.”

Ashton, Calum, Luke, and Maya snickered into their hands as Michael’s green eyes went wide for a second. “What are you? An elephant?”

Tidus put his arm against his nose like a trunk and made his best elephant noise.

“Well in the future, Elephant Boy, you should listen to me, too. I am your dad after all.”

“10-4, boss man!” the boy chirped.

“What in th-?” Michael chuckled, looking over at Maya.

“No idea, boss man,” Maya laughed back. “Well…” she gestured at all the food. “Dig in!”

~~~

“So,” Calum asked, wiping away the last traces of sticky syrup after Maya and Tidus made their way back upstairs. “How long has Maya been watching Ti?”

“Uh…” Michael thought quickly. “‘Bout two years.”

“Mhm… And how long has she lived here?”

“She moved in right after the first tour, so a little over a year.”

“And she’s good with Ti?”

“Oh, she’s great with him. I’d be lost without her.”

“So, you’ve known her for two years. She’s lived with you for one. And she’s great with your kid,” Calum recapped.

“Yeah… That’s what I just said.”

“What Cal’s trying to say,” Ashton cut in, “is have you slept with her yet? And if not, can he?”

“What the fuck?!” Michael screeched at the same time Calum shoved Ashton with a “That is not my question!”

“Is too! Maybe not the sleeping with her yourself part. But the first part’s true. We’re all wondering, mate,” Luke piped up.

“What the fuck?!” Michael repeated, looking at his friends, slack jawed. “What kinda question is that? No, I haven’t slept with her!”

“Why not?”

“She’s Ti’s babysitter!”

“So?”

“So I’m basically her boss, you nitwits! I’m not fuckin’ the babysitter,” he growled.

“Alright, alright,” the other three held up their hands in surrender.

“And neither are any of you lot!” Michael added.

~~~

“Hey, Maya?” Tidus asked as they watched cartoons.

“Yeah, bud?”

“My dad goes on dates, right? To find me a mom?”

She blinked. She had been expecting him to ask if they could go swimming,or play with Legos, not have the Mom conversation. “Uh… well… yeah, your dad goes on dates. But he’s not trying to replace your mom.”

“No, I know that. But like, he’s trying to find someone that would love us like a mom would. Right?”

“Right. He just wants someone who’s gonna love you as much as he does.”

“So, why doesn’t he take you out on a date?”

Maya choked. “Uh… it’s not that simple, bud.”

“Well, why not? I mean, you’re here. And you don’t get mad at me when I wake you up to make pancakes. And you take me swimming, and watch cartoons with me. And you help in my classroom like all the other moms. Is it cuz you don’t love me?”

“What?! Of course I love you, you goof!”

“So, why can’t you date Dad and be my mom?”

Maya sighed. “It’s not that simple, Ti. Your dad and I have a different relationship.”

“Oh… Will you still stay if I do get a mom?”

“Of course I’ll stay!” she told him, even though she really had no way of knowing. She supposed it would depend on what the new woman did for a living herself, and how comfortable she would be with Maya staying in the house.

“Cool. Cuz me and Dad really like you here.”

“Dad and I,” she corrected absentmindedly.

“Dad and I,” he repeated. “Do you like being with us?”

“No place I’d rather be,” she grinned at him.

~~~

Michael’s head swam with his conversation with his bandmates. Yes, him and Maya got along with each other. Yes, Michael had come to view the woman as not only an integral part of his life, but also as part of the family. Maya had been there for every moment him and Tidus had over the last two years. And she was pretty in a way that often left him breathless, whether she was in a tank top and pajama bottoms with her hair slightly ruffled from sleep, or totally dolled up in a way befitting of magazine covers. But this wasn’t some friendship that could handle a little awkwardness. There were so many ways things could go with too many options for how it could end, each one worse than the last. And to risk it all over a maybe crush? No. It was far better to keep his mouth shut.

Unbeknownst for Michael, Maya’s own head had been swimming with her own equally conflicted thoughts that matched his own. “Hey, Michael,” her soft voice greeted him in the dark hallway.

“Shit!” he whisper-screamed, hand flying to his chest. “Fuck… didn’t see you there.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare ya…”

“Nah, it’s…” he shook his head. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” it was her turn to shake her head. “Was just about to turn in.”

“Oh… well, night then.”

“Night,” she murmured, feeling his body brush past hers. “Hey, Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Um… can we talk a moment? Ti said something earlier that you should probably be aware of.”

“Yeah, course. C’mon, we can talk in here.” He led them both into his bedroom, flicking on the light. “Is everything alright?” he asked as he sat on the edge of his bed, patting the space next to him.

“Oh, it’s not bad! Just… curious,” she told him as she sat beside him.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, he mentioned you dating.”

“Aw, shit… I guess I didn’t explain that to him as well as I thought I did…”

“No, no,” Maya shook her head. “He understands. Well, as much as any six year old can anyway. It’s, uh… well he brought up something that I just can’t seem to shake.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… um… and I’m not asking to put you on the spot or anything. It’s just…”

“Curious?” he supplied.

“Yeah. Um… what happens when one of these women becomes your long-term girlfriend or wife? Like… what would that mean for me?”

Michael leaned back on his arms. “Shit… Tidus came up with that?”

“Well, he asked if I would stay. I sort of filled in the rest.”

Michael nodded. Then, “What would you do? If it weren’t for this, what would you be doing?”

She shrugged. “Probably teach. I don’t think I’d have it in me to get invested in another family like I am with you guys.”

He nodded again. “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to see you go.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He smiled before laughing. “Aw shit. That explains a lot actually.” He kept laughing.

“I’m sorry?” she asked, not getting the joke.

“I’m the single dad with a live-in babysitter. No wonder all my dates end horribly.”

“Oh geez!” she laughed with him. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. That’s just…”

“Utterly ridiculous?”

“That’s terrible. Like this is my job. Sorry it’s ruining your dates.”

“Nah, it’s not your fault. Guess some people are just immature. Like I couldn’t possibly resist the temptation of having a beautiful woman in my home.”

“Beautiful woman?” she blinked, turning her head to look at Michael with his flushed cheeks.

“I- I didn’t mean it like that,” he rushed. “I mean, you are. Beautiful. But I- no. I should stop talking now.”

“No. What were you gonna say?”

“Well… I mean I pay you to be here. It’s not like you’re here because you want to be. I mean, maybe you do now. I hope anyway. But, like you’re here because you’re doing a job. If I wasn’t paying you I doubt you’d stay.”

“Well I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t pay me because I already feel bad enough you let me live here rent free. Not because I don’t want to be here.”

“Well, I appreciate the sentiment. But, this is all hypothetical. I need to find a girl who won’t run away once she realizes what my life really entails first.”

Maya brought a finger to her lips in thought. “Hmm… yeah, good luck with that one.”

Michael laughed. “Yeah. So if you have any friends who are understanding like you, lemme know.”

She laughed with him. “Sorry. Just me, I’m afraid.”

“Bummer…”

“Ouch!” She swatted his arm playfully. “You’d be lucky to have me.”

“I am lucky to have you,” he corrected. “But… we…” he pointed back and forth between them. “It’d be stupid.”

“Terribly stupid,” she sighed in agreement. “Or at least that’s what I told Tidus when he asked. Well, I said it wasn’t simple. But same thing.”

Michael choked. “He asked you what?”

“He asked why you didn’t take me out. Since how you’re trying to find a woman that loves him as much as you do.”

“Shit… how’d that kid get so smart?”

“No idea,” she joked. “Must be his babysitter.”

“Can’t be me, that’s for damn sure. If I was smart, I’d know what to do right now.”

“What's your brain saying?”

“To shut up, go to bed, and to keep trying to make it work with other women the way it already works with you so I don’t fuck up a good thing.”

“And your heart?”

“To take the risk anyway because at least then maybe I’ll have a clear answer.”

“And which are you gonna listen to?”

“No idea.”

“That makes two of us.” Maya patted his leg as she stood up. “G’night, Michael.”

“Wait,” he said, his fingers wrapping around her wrist. “Two of us? You feel this way too?”

“Course I do. But that doesn’t matter. Does it?”

“Fuck it,” he muttered to himself, tugging on her wrist so she fell down on his lap. “Heart wins.” His fingers stroked gently up her cheeks as he cradled her face in his hands, his lips brushing against hers.

She sighed into the kiss, tangling her own fingers in his soft hair, changing positions so she was straddling his lap. “Heart wins,” she agreed against his lips, as she started to pull away. “We can figure out the rest later.”

“Agreed,” he nodded frantically, green eyes shining brightly. “Fuck, c’mere.”

__

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[aion-rsa]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Funniest Guest Cast Characters

https://ift.tt/3oTakdX

Warning: contains Brooklyn Nine-Nine spoilers.

Brooklyn Nine Nine is one of the funniest sitcoms around thanks to its fantastic ensemble cast and just-broad-enough humour blended with almost-realistic cop show elements. But that great regular cast are supported by an equally brilliant array of recurring characters and guest stars. In this list, we’re celebrating the funniest of the show’s less often-seen characters, those guest appearances who’ve turned up once or twice to inject a fresh burst of comic energy into the show.

Note that we’re not counting regular recurring characters like Adrian Pimento, Madeline Wuntch, or Kevin Cozner, aka Mr Raymond Holt. If they turn up more than once a year, or in more than three episodes in one season, they’re off the list.

12. Adam Sandler, played by himself in Operation: Broken Feather, Season 1, Episode 15

Adam Sandler’s appearance as himself in Season One is beautifully self-deprecating as well as funny. His deadpan delivery of “I’m a serious person” is hilarious in just the right way – of course the real Sandler is, presumably, as serious and as complex as anyone else, but he knows his own public persona and just how to play on it in the right way to raise a different kind of laugh. The interest in antiquities, the planned film about the Russian Revolution, it’s all funny – and somewhat undercut, even more amusingly, by his taunting of Jake straight afterwards. The whole scene did help to flush out a criminal though, so it wasn’t a total loss for Jake.

Funniest moment: Admitting his “serious” Russian Revolution film features Kevin James as Trotsky, and a wife who doesn’t wear a bra through the whole film.

11. Geoffrey Hoytsman, played by Chris Parnell in two episodes in Season 2

When Jake’s lawyer girlfriend Sophia uses her boss as a transparent excuse to break up with him (by going on ‘pause’), Jake wilfully misunderstands and decides that the boss is the key problem, so he sets off to make the man like him. It all goes horribly wrong when Jake finds Hoytsman snorting cocaine in the bathroom, which Hoytsman claims he was doing accidentally while screaming loudly that Jake is arresting him to the whole room of lawyers. Sophia somehow still ends up blaming Jake – probably because she simply wanted to break up with him in the first place – and Hoytsman ends up returning to take Jake hostage and quite seriously threaten his life later in the season. Parnell’s over-the-top performance as a character who is, of course, high for much of the time, is what really sells the character.

Funniest moment: Sniffing cocaine off his collar in the middle of the police precinct.

10. Jessica Day, played by Zooey Deschanel in The Night Shift, Season 4, Episode 4

Back in 2016, both New Girl and Brooklyn Nine Nine were active Fox sitcoms, so the network decided to do a crossover event in which the New Girl characters travelled to New York City and ran into the 99. Most of the crossover scenes actually ended up in the New Girl episode, but Zooey Deschanel’s character Jess Day did make a brief appearance in the otherwise stand-alone Brooklyn Nine Nine half of the crossover. While the New Girl episode provided a lot more context for Jess’s feelings about New York and her stress level surrounding Schmidt’s mom’s car and the soup she’s carrying, her appearance as an apparently slightly nutty woman who resists Jake’s attempts to commandeer the car is an entertaining interlude during the half hour.  

Funniest moment: Insisting that Jake’s oath to serve and protect applies to her soup.

9. Philip Davidson, played by Sterling K. Brown in The Box, Season 5, Episode 14

If this were a list of the show’s ‘best’ guest characters, rather than ‘funniest’, the top ranked would surely be Philip Davidson, played by Sterling K. Brown. ‘The Box’ is a tight, taught bottle episode that takes full advantage of Brooklyn Nine Nine’s hybrid status as both sitcom and cop show, and Brown’s Davidson forms a strong third of a triangle in this three-header with Holt and Peralta. It’s a really strong performance, but given that he’s playing a tough-to-crack murder suspect, not really the funniest, exactly. Still, he gets a good few laughs when appropriate over the course of a really engaging half hour of comedy/cop show crossover.

Funniest moment: When Davidson finally cracks, he cracks hard – his confession is equal parts triumphant, cathartic, and hilarious.

8. Karen Haas, played by Maya Rudolph in Coral Palms Parts 1&2, Season 4, Episodes 1&2

Maya Rudolph has a good line going in slightly weary authority figures (see also: The Good Place). Handling Holt and Peralta while they’re in witness protection is not an easy job and her exasperation at Jake’s refusal to accept his situation is well played. Haas is really funny, though, when she starts bringing her own issues into her official duties, clearly trying to get permission to cheat on her husband from someone, anyone – and Holt is happy to oblige.

Funniest moment: Whoever it is she wants to sleep with is “really young” – something that clearly shouldn’t be funny, but the face Rudolph pulls as she says it is what sells it.

7. Lin-Manuel Miranda as David Santiago in The Golden Child, Season 6, Episode 9

Miranda is marvellously smarmy as Amy’s too-perfect brother, her demanding parents’ favourite, who snubs popular culture and shows off by saving people’s lives (including Amy’s own husband). Amy’s delighted reaction when he’s arrested for cocaine possession and deep disappointment when he turns out to be innocent are highlights, but the funniest scene by far is the dance-off between David and Amy, in which both comprehensively demonstrate that dancing is not among the Santiago family’s many strengths.

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Funniest moment: David thinks elbows should form a bigger part of a dance routine than they really should.

6. Frederick, played by Nick Offerman in Ava, Season 3, Episode 8

Any time we meet Captain Holt’s friends and family, many of whom share his stoic, Vulcan-like demeanour, it’s always hilarious. JK Simmons as his old friend Dillman very nearly made the list, but he was just pipped to the post by Ron Swanson – sorry, Nick Offerman – as Holt’s ex-boyfriend. There’s a lot of crossover between Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine Nine among the cast and crew and Offerman isn’t even the only Parks & Rec alumnus to appear on this list, but he’s probably the one whose appearance most quickly calls to mind his earlier character. The idea that Holt’s ex-boyfriend is Ron F-ing Swanson is just genius. OK, Frederick lacks Swanson’s magnificent moustache (though he has a glorious beard) and he’s even more brusque and stand-off-ish, but he’s a perfect match for Holt, even more in their post-break-up mutual antagonism than we imagine they were in their relationship.

Funniest moment: His straight-faced insistence at the door that they have a “wooden-duck situation”.

5. Mark Devereaux, played by Nathan Fillion in Serve & Protect, Season 4, Episode 14

It’s always funny any time police characters in a cop show visit the set of a TV cop show, and for added meta humour, in this case the actor playing the fictional detective is played by an actor who works on a cop show (albeit as a non-cop character). Phew! That’s a lot of layers of meta. Nathan Fillion’s pompous star who apparently thinks playing a detective makes him a detective is very funny, and it gets better when it turns out that was a ruse to cover up his own petty criminal activity before he folds like wet paper. It’s just a shame we didn’t get to see more of him.

Funniest moment: Devereaux tries turning on the angry detective act from his show to cover up his own crime, only to be confronted with quite a lot more than a “shred” of evidence and fold immediately.

4. Eleanor Horstweil, played by Kathryn Hahn in Hostage Situation, Season 3, Episode 11

We heard a lot about Boyle’s ex-wife over the first couple of seasons, partly because Boyle was still living in her basement, hanging out with her new husband Hercules. We knew what sort of person Eleanor was when Boyle explained that he gets the beach house from December to February. When we finally meet her in the flesh, Kathryn Hahn does not disappoint – Eleanor is surely one of the most purely horrible characters we’ve seen on the show (and yes, we’re including all the murderers). She hits a 90-year-old priest with her car and then destroys Boyle’s frozen sperm, all with no apparent sense of guilt, and she largely gets away with it, too. But she does it all with a perfectly deadpan expression and carefree attitude, each horrifying act funnier that the last.

Funniest moment: She goes further than Jake ever thought she would when she “shoots a hostage” – i.e., throws some of Boyle’s sperm down the drain.

3. Seth Dozerman, played by Bill Hader in New Captain, Season 3, Episode 1

Bill Hader’s screentime on the show is relatively brief, but he is hilarious from start to finish, attacking the squad with every shouted command like he’s firing metaphorical bullets at them. It might actually have been really cool to see the squad try to deal with him as their Captain for more than one episode, with his extremely demanding requirements and very highly strung personality, but on the other hand, perhaps this is a joke that works better in small quantities. Any character whose dying words are “Tell my wife I love her work ethic” is probably a character better enjoyed for a shorter period of time. 

Funniest moment: Both heart attacks are very funny, but the first (non-fatal) one just pips it for the sheer suddenness of it.

2. Caleb, played by Tim Meadows in three episodes in Seasons 5 and 6

Jake is shocked to discover his only friend in maximum security prison is a cannibal (though he would prefer to be identified as a wood-worker), having assumed everyone in protective custody was a wrongly accused police officer. Caleb is surely Brooklyn Nine Nine’s best streak of really, really dark humour – not only did he murder and eat nine and a half people, they were small children too. Every reference he makes to his “nightmare” past is sickly hilarious, and gets worse and worse every time, including a reference to his “skin suit”. But he really does care for Jake, even if he still kind of wants to eat him. The sheer audacity of the black humour surrounding this character is fantastic and always funny.

Funniest moment: Caleb shows that he has a softer side when he saves Jake’s life – but he immediately deeply regrets it and would not do it again.

1. Doug Judy, played by Craig Robinson in multiple episodes (one episode or two-parter per year)

Yes, we carefully defined a recurring character as someone who is either in more than three episodes or who appears more than once a year specifically so that we could include Craig Robinson‘s Doug Judy. It’s our list and we make the rules. There’s something twistedly beautiful about Jake and Doug Judy’s tender but tense friendship, even in the early years when Judy is constantly double-crossing poor Jake. The two of them have perfect comic chemistry, and each running gag in their friendship, especially their fondness for swaggering out in a new outfit or disguise, just gets funnier and funnier. Long may Doug Judy continue to turn up roughly once every twelve months to harass his long suffering best friend.

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Funniest moment: Having escaped yet again, Doug Judy leaves Jake a pre-recorded message in a karaoke booth – complete with a full hour of pre-recorded singing for Jake to duet with.

The post Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Funniest Guest Cast Characters appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3kZOKSD

[harryandmolly]

Change of Pace - 4 (Summer 2019)

cowritten by @achinglyshawn

summary: Shawn and Maya meet again 10 years after life got in the way of love

warnings: language

wc: 10.9k

---------

“I missed you.” 

“You did?” His teeth dig into his lip.

“Always. Every day.”

“Then why didn’t you come sooner?” 

She closes her eyes. Takes a breath. Her fingers dig into her thighs. 

“Maya?”

Her name feels heavy on his tongue. 

She’s still. Fingers gripping her thighs.

“Maya? Please?” 

He blinks. 

He’s alone. 

+

He tells Cheri about Maya. There’s no one in Starbucks, so the barista takes a break and sits at his table in the window with him so he can lament about his long lost love. 

He also gets Maya’s number from her. Apparently, they take the same yoga class and have had lunch together a couple of times. 

She tells him to suck it up, just text her. 

He waits a few days, then thinks of an excuse. 

‘Hey Lu, it’s Shawn. Dunno if someone’s told you, but they still do that bonfire night on the beach every Wednesday. Still a pretty awesome time, if you’re looking for something to do tomorrow night. You should come check it out.’

She doesn’t answer. He tries not to be disappointed.

+++

Rationally, he knew Maya wasn’t going to show at the beach last Wednesday night, but a part of him had hoped, anyway. He ended up glued to his phone, waiting for an “I’m here!” text all night instead of actually being in the moment, having fun. 

So he tries not to think about it this week, because he’s starting to hate himself for still vying for her attention. She clearly doesn’t want to give it to him. She didn’t know she was going to be vacationing in Shawn’s hometown when she picked Avila. So he’s a blight on her relaxing summer, a reminder of a time she probably doesn’t let herself think about because it’s ancient fucking history.  

He didn’t expect things to be any different. He never imagined a romantic reunion when he let himself, on the rare occasion, think about running into her again. 

He doesn’t know why he feels so disappointed. 

(Except he does. Because he’s a hopeless romantic, even when he tries so hard not to be.) 

He goes to the beach with his guitar, a case of beer, and s’mores supplies. Geoff has tequila and a bag of limes, plus a handful of joints, both for when the kids go home. 

They claim a cluster of beach chairs near the fire, and settle in with a couple of beers as they wait for more of their friends to show up. 

Shawn doesn’t look for Maya. He forces himself to focus on Geoff and the way he slices limes in the palm of his calloused hand. 

Armed with a handle of the most expensive rum she could find in 15 miles, Maya swaggers toward the beach like Captain Jack Sparrow. (Because maybe she had a little sip already to get herself out the door to come to this thing.)

Wednesdays are a sacred night in Avila. It’s not a very religious community, so in lieu of celebrating god in church on Sundays, they plant themselves by the ocean with snacks and booze and weed and give thanks to the community their own way. 

She and Shawn used to spend most Wednesdays together at the Avila beach bonfire nights. That probably had something to do with her reticence to attend. That and their still somewhat unresolved tension after the drunken kiss in his shop a couple weeks ago. 

But tonight, after an afternoon in the surf followed by a joint in the bathtub, with her hair kissed by salt and her skin warm and tan again after so many years, Maya heads out, knowing full well Shawn is probably there and she will have to face him. 

She takes another little swig of the bottle before she descends to the beach. 

The waves lap at the shore a little fiercer than they were just a half hour ago, and Shawn wonders if his chair is far enough back to avoid a rising tide. He doesn’t move, though, just sips his beer and continues to watch the sunset. 

He’s trying not to stare at the boardwalk. Trying not to get his hopes up for something he knows he should really be forgetting. So he watches the waves, sips his beer, and digs his toes into the white sand beneath his feet. 

As Maya crests the dunes, she surveys the scene below on the beach. It’s not straight debauchery yet, the way she’s seen it after 10pm when all the kiddies are safely tucked away. 

It’s clean family fun still. She stows the rum in her tote and clears her throat, trying not to look for him. 

Instead, she spots some women from the yoga studio she’s been frequenting since she got into town. They’re sitting around the fire in lawn chairs with wine spritzers. It makes Maya giggle. As she trudges down the sandy hill, her eyes betray her and search for him as subtly as she can manage.

There he is. He’s in a lawn chair closer to the water and not looking at her. From this angle, she can see the way the cut of his jaw is lit up by firelight. There was a time once when she’d take off at a run and drop into his lap in front of everyone with a squeal and a probably inappropriate kiss. 

It was a long time ago. 

Instead, she makes a beeline for the yoga ladies, who greet her eagerly, already three sheets to the wind.  

The night air is cool, but the bonfire is egregiously warm, so he shrugs his shirt off after finishing his beer. Geoff howls from across the fire, but he’s shirtless too, so Shawn flicks him off. 

“S’mores?” he shouts to his roommate, who nods, then spreads the news to the people around him. 

Shawn pulls the skewers out before popping open the extra-large family sized bag of marshmallows. He skewers a few, handing them off to people as they approach.

Geoff takes his at last, and Shawn’s free to make one for himself. He stands near the fire next to G and flips his marshmallow over every ten seconds, just like Maya used to. 

His marshmallow catches fire once or twice, but he likes them burnt, so it’s okay. He and Geoff go for the rest of the s’mores supplies at the same time. Geoff hands him a graham cracker while Shawn snaps off four pieces of chocolate for them each. 

They bite into their sweet sandwiches at the same time, both getting crumbs all over their laps. Marshmallow clings to his lips as he pulls the s’more away from his mouth. The strings of fluff eventually snap and recoil onto his chin. 

“Napkins, dude,” he says as he sucks stray chocolate from his thumb. “You need one?” 

Geoff crunches on graham cracker and nods, pointing to his chocolate stained mouth. “Mmph, ya,” he confirms, then takes another bite. 

Shawn laughs and goes for the snack table, where napkins, plates, and cups also rest. He’s too busy thinking about the next s’more he’s gonna make to stop himself from scanning the crowd, and that’s when he sees her. 

Maya sits on the opposite side of the fire, settling into a chair in the circle of yogies. He jerks his head away when he realizes he’s been staring for a moment too long. He makes his way back to Geoff. 

Shawn chucks the napkin at his roommate, then goes back to his chair that, luckily, isn’t facing the woman he’s addicted to staring at. He stares at the ocean instead, and forgets all about that second s’more while he wonders if she saw him when she arrived.  And if she did, why she didn’t even bother to say hi. 

Maya’s doing the thing. 

She’s doing the thing she used to do in middle or high school when a boy she liked didn’t fall all over her when she walked into a room. She’s doing the “I’m having so much fun over here with my friends without you, ha ha ha!” thing. 

She sucks down the rest of her Solo cup full of water and takes a wine spritzer when it’s offered to her. 

She knows he’s seen her now as he gets up and goes for a shirtless jog to the snack table. Her entire circle of ladies go silent and slack-jawed when he passes. She just averts her eyes and laughs to her friend who didn’t even say anything. 

This is stupid, she decides after the wine spritzer has come and gone. She has to just go talk to him. They’re practically neighbors in this tiny beach down and yeah, he doesn’t know yet that she’s not actually leaving at the end of the summer but…

She’s heading over anyway. She leaves mid yogi convo and strolls over with her empty cup. She stands by him and chews on her lip. 

“Hey mister, can I have a s’more?”

Her voice is clear, cuts sharply through the sounds of the water rushing against the sand and the gulls, screeching along the horizon. A shiver runs down his spine, and he has to resist the urge to visibly shake with it. 

“I think ‘a s’more’ is grammatically incorrect,” he deadpans, but when he looks at her his heart leaps into his throat, and he has to smile. “But I wouldn’t know what’s actually correct, so. Sure.” 

He can’t believe he was pouting because she wasn’t going to say hi to him. He feels like he’s back in middle school, when liking the prettiest girl in the grade is a given, but also totally taboo because like, ew. Girls. It’s stupid. She makes him fucking stupid. 

She watches him closely, trying to determine how he feels about her trotting up to him and asking for food after how their last two meetings went. He doesn’t seem put off. In fact, he seems a little shyly happy to see her. It’s… nice.

He stands and brushes his hands on his swim shorts, then leads the way to the s’mores. He skewers two marshmallows on a stick for her, because he remembers everything, like how she takes her s’mores. Two marshmallows, three chocolate bits, and half a graham cracker because they’re better “open-faced”. 

He hopes it hasn’t changed, that someone else hasn’t come along and shown her a better way of eating s’mores. He likes her way. 

Before she can ask for additional mallow, he skewers one more for her automatically like he never forgot, like they never skipped a beat. She stands there a little dumbfounded, staring at him as he preps her food. 

She almost says it, almost says “you remember”.... but she knows where that got them last time. She holds her breath instead. 

He hands her the skewer, then takes his own to the fire, hoping she’ll follow without any prompting. 

She goes with him to the fire in silence, trying not to check him out as he walks ahead of her. It’s hard, because he’s him and he’s sculpted from marble. 

“So… uhm… do you come here often?”

Oh my god. 

“Um, I don’t know, are you a 50 year old divorcee or are you just really bad at small talk?” he says with a laugh and a glance in her direction. She’s funny even when she doesn’t mean to be, which is disgustingly cute, just like it’s always been. 

He’s trying not to resent her for it. (Or fall in love with her because of it.) 

His laughter subsides and he mashes his lips together, suddenly worried that was maybe a little mean, given their previous interaction. He always used to tease her like that, they’d tease each other. But now—

Now, everything is different. 

“Sorry,” he murmurs with a ghost of an apologetic smile tugging his lips. 

Shawn seems to fall in to teasing her, treating her like he always used to. She feels warmed by it, feeling like between his attention and the fire she might just combust. 

He begs off, though, like he remembers that they’re not what they used to be. She blinks and nods.

“It’s ok. I know I have no game at all,” she sighs, timing her marshmallow carefully as she rotates it onto its side. 

He’s pretty sure her total lack of game is part of what makes her so charming, and it’s definitely something he’s into. He always has been. 

He watches her roast her marshmallow for a moment, then remembers she actually asked a question. 

He clears his throat, looks back at the fire. 

”I do, though. Come here often, I mean. It’s a fun time, and a cool way to connect with people. There’s, you know, music and dancing. Plus plenty of booze and drugs.” 

Maya knows about beach Wednesdays, but he’s telling her this shit anyway. He’s not sure why. 

She can imagine him getting into his rhythm here, showing up with Geoff, kicking around a ball, rolling the joints she remembers he was known for in college, maybe taking home a yogi every once in a while.

With a furtive glance back at her group, she scans them, wondering which, if any, Shawn’s fucked. She blinks hard and looks back at the fire.

He laughs again, but it’s stilted this time. “I sound like the mayor or something. Trying to sway you on Avila so you’ll stay for good.” 

Please, stay here for good. 

He shouldn’t let himself think like that. He shouldn’t let himself care again, even though he wants to. So he just laughs. 

And then he mentions her leaving. She licks her lips and shifts on her feet, cursing herself for her enormously stupid lie. Because he’s going to fucking notice when she doesn’t leave at the end of summer. 

She chuckles falsely and pulls her marshmallow from the fire to prepare her s’more. “I like it here, too.”

Shawn follows her lead, pulls his sticky marshmallow from his skewer and goes for the pieces of graham cracker and broken chocolate left on the snack table. He hands Maya a graham cracker with a gentle smile, watching as she picks the marshmallow from her sticky fingers. 

“It’s definitely not a bad place to settle,” he says as he smushes his marshmallow between the crackers and chocolate. He takes a bite and only demolishes half of it, doesn’t go for swallowing the whole thing in one go because it’s kind of gross and he doesn’t think he and Maya are in a place where he can be disgusting in front of her, again. 

As he wipes to corner of his mouth with a napkin, he wonders if she’ll notice him holding back.

Shawn sprays his chest with graham cracker crumbs as he takes an enormous bite of his s’more. Maya giggles like they’re in high school. She feels the gap between them now in an intangible way, like they’re not entirely themselves right now, but a cleaned-up, tucked-away version. 

Maya fidgets, deciding whether or not she should leave the gap be, let it take the place of what they were to each other, or if she should fight it. Fight to love him again, fight to be there for each other. 

He jerks his head towards the pair of beach chairs that Geoff has recently abandoned in favor of flirting with the yogis, says, “You wanna watch the water with me? Or look for constellations?” 

He hopes to sound casual and not completely desperate. He’s trying so hard to play it cool, cooler than he did the other night when he kissed her and made her cry and then she ran away, again. 

He really doesn’t want her to run away from him a third time. 

Shawn’s voice startles her as she chews. Maybe this time she’ll let him make his mind up for them. 

She follows him to the set of chairs he’s nodding at and drops into one, taking another bite and giggling at the stickiness. She hasn’t had a s’more since… probably that summer with him here in Avila.

Maya’s drawn to the water. She watches it rush in and pull away and she feels like she understands it. Maybe it has a million reasons not to stay onshore. Maybe the ocean is torn too. 

She looks over at Shawn and leans back, looking at him in a way she hasn’t really let herself since she got here. 

Maya doesn’t say anything and it’s only a little unnerving. There used to be a time when he knew exactly what she was thinking, no matter how quiet she was, no matter how few words they actually exchanged. They communicated with a look, with touch, with a carefully timed catch of breath. 

It’s nothing like that, now. Now, he has no idea what she’s thinking, why she’s not saying anything, or what she might want. He doesn’t know what she expects of him. He hates it. He feels untethered around her, even though she once was his anchor, his fucking rock. 

The anchor tattooed on the front of his right hip aches, and he decides to never tell her he got it for her. 

He drops down next to her, pushing his feet deep into the sand as he stretches his legs out and leans back into his chair. He finishes his s’more in a big second bite, then has to resist the urge to watch Maya finish hers. 

The waves draw closer to their chairs, but he doesn’t move. They used to always do this, plant their chairs too close to the shore and let the water wash over their feet. They used to play pictionary in the smoothed sand, either with their toes or a stick, if they could find one. 

Shawn glances at her briefly, a millisecond at most, and is satisfied to see her gazing out at the horizon, totally distracted from him. He looks back down and tries to think of something to say. It’s not a problem he used to ever have with her. There were always a million things he wanted to tell her, a million things he could think to share, a million secrets he wanted to tuck into her hair as they fell asleep curled together. 

There’re still are a million things to say. But he’s too scared to try any of them. 

“Beer?” is all he can come up with, because it’s safest and he thinks he definitely needs to be drunk to get through this. 

Maya is too deep in her own head when she hears his voice again. She looks up from the sea and sees him looking eager for something to do. 

She swallows; her mouth is dry. “Actually…”

She trails off and glances around. Her tote bag is back by the yogis. She dashes off to get it and comes back, lifting the handle of rum out by its neck. 

He watches her run away and tries not to stare at her ass. She has such a great ass, though. Which he definitely shouldn’t be thinking about. He tries to think about anything else, anything that doesn’t remind him of how well he once knew her body, and how well she let him love it. 

He watches the sand kick up around her feet instead as she comes running back towards him. 

“I brought something stronger. If you’re interested.”

She twists off the cap and takes a swig, dropping into her seat. 

He blinks up at her, lips pressing together as he contemplates the rum. He was thinking tequila shots with Geoff, but rum with Maya sounds like a much better idea. He watches her drink, watches her throat move as she swallows and tries not to think about how badly he’d like to taste her there again and leave a mark or two like he used to. 

He pulls his gaze from her, directs it back at the ocean and tries to shake the thought. 

As Maya swallows a second sip of rum, she looks him over again. 

“Some of those tattoos are new,” she comments, trying not to sound too hungry, like she’s been staring at him. 

“Oh,” his gaze drops to his own torso, to the intricate black lines of ink that adorn his skin,  “uh, yeah, all of these chest pieces are new for you, I guess.” 

He looks up at her and tries not to blush under her gaze. The rum taunts him from her fingers, so he plucks the bottle away and takes his own sip. 

Maya leans in, looking closely. She struggles to focus on the artistry above instead of the masterpiece below it because she doesn’t want to salivate all over him. She lifts a hand and almost reaches out to trace the waving tips of the thistle outlined on his abdomen but manages to stop herself and clear her throat to make way for more rum.

“Mm.” Shawn pulls the bottle from his lips and swallows. “This one, too,” he says as he twists his left forearm around to show her the black-line tattoo of the little prince being carried away by a flock of birds that sits just beneath his elbow. 

She takes the rum back and takes a hearty sip, blinking away the haze. She looks in at the tattoo he’s gesturing to on his inner forearm and smiles.

“Le Petit Prince,” she recites with a wistful smile, “You used to keep a copy of it by your bed in all your apartments.”

She tilts her head back against the chair. She’s not sure why she said that. Why did she say that?

The rum passes between them again while Maya looks like she’s caught up in a memory of which she’s particularly fond. A memory of him. His pulse beats loudly in his ears and he wonders if she’s thinking of all the times he read the book to her in french as they soaked in the bath together. He swallows and looks back at the ocean, twirling the bottle between his fingers so the liquor sloshes around in a sloppy vortex. 

“Yeah,” he finally answers, looking back at her, “that was a little pretentious, wasn’t it?” 

He blinks, looks down at his arm. 

“Is this tattoo pretentious? Do I need to get it turned into something that makes me look less of an asshole?”

He looks over at her, and he’s not really worried about looking like a pretentious dick. He just wants to make her laugh. Or for her to tell him how much she actually loves his tattoo. He’s really not above fishing for a compliment from her. He’s always basked in her praise, whenever he’s managed to get it.

Maya watches him crawl inside his own head like he’s always been prone to do. She used to get to crawl in after him and pull him back out again with a few quiet love words and some kisses to go with them. She doesn’t have her old tools available to her now so she has to improvise. 

With a deep breath, she leans across the space between them and traces the lines of the balloons with her fingertip. 

“It’s not pretentious if it’s honest. And this is honest,” she hums, remembering how much he loves that little book, how his whispered broken French used to set her skin on fire when they were under water. 

He holds his breath as her delicate fingers brush across his skin. She’s casual about it, like it’s no big deal and she’s totally not setting his entire body on fire. He has to fight the urge to jerk away.

She eyes the large tiger tattoo curling around his ribs and hip and raises her eyebrow. “That one’s questionable though.”

She notes the way it disappears under his bathing suit and licks her lips, taking the bottle back from him for a drink. “Please tell me the tail doesn’t wrap around your dick.”

He lifts his arm as she nods to his side, looking down at the tiger that he can’t completely see unless he’s looking in a mirror. His brow furrows, lips pursing. 

“I’m not that much of an asshole,” he says, trying to ignore how hearing her say the word ‘dick’ does something funny to his. “I also don’t think I’m tough enough for that. Sounds very not fun.” 

Maya didn’t actually think for a moment that Shawn had actually been stupid enough to get his dick inked but she’s glad for the reassurance. He has the most beautiful dick from what she can remember. And she remembers it well. 

He drops his fingers to his ribs and traces the lines of the tiger he’s always been pretty proud of. It was actually inspired but one of Maya’s drawings, a quick little character study she did when she was going through an animal phase in the beginning of senior year. He guesses she doesn’t remember that.

She watches his thick, nimble fingers trace his ribs over the intricate lines of his tattoo. She wonders how long it took, how long he laid there alone under the needle, thinking, getting lost in his head like he does. 

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks, looking back at her and dropping his arm. “He protects me from danger and shit.” 

He grins, takes another sip of rum, then pushes the bottle into the sand at their feet. 

“Nothing,” she coughs, eyes running over where the tiger disappears into his shorts, “He’s beautiful. I’m glad he’s there to protect you.”

When I wasn’t. 

She glances down at the bottle, then leaves it where it is. She uncrosses her legs and settles in, thinking. 

“I never got any of the tattoos I planned.”

She sounds… resigned. Like she’s destined to live a tattooless life and that’s just that. He frowns, watches her watch the ocean before them. 

“Why not?” he hears himself asking, even though he thinks the answer might be personal. He remembers her notebook of tattoo ideas, remembers how she would say she was saving up so she could get them done completely, perfectly right. 

He was supposed to go with her to get the first. Hold her hand if she needed it. 

And then she left. 

He doesn’t want to let himself think that he’s the reason she never got any. It’s more likely that she was too busy or it’s inappropriate for her line of work. 

He’s trying not to assume everything in her life has some symbolic connection to him, because that’s stupid and narcissistic. He reaches for the bottle of rum to help him ignore the idea. 

Maya hasn’t put much thought into why she never got the tattoos she wanted, just like she hasn’t thought about why she hasn’t been in a real relationship since Shawn. That’s the problem, though — she let her life sprint past her while she sat at a desk and worked herself to the bone. 

She chews on her lower lip and wonders — is there a part of her that didn’t want the tattoos if Shawn couldn’t enjoy them with her? She doesn’t like to think that. She doesn’t like to think she can’t be herself without him. 

But she hasn’t been herself in years. 

She doesn’t answer his question and he suddenly feels like he crossed a line. His fingers tighten slightly around the bottle between them as he looks back to the horizon. He won’t push if she won’t answer. 

He doesn’t want her to run again.

Maya looks over. He’s got the bottle in his big, beautiful hands again, held by the swallow tattoo she used to kiss when she said goodbye to him and trace with her tongue on lazy Sunday mornings. 

“I want a tattoo,” she murmurs. 

Her voice is so soft he almost doesn’t hear her. When he registers she’s spoken, his head turns, his brows raise. She wants a tattoo. Now?

“Now? Like— tomorrow? Or right this second?” 

He wonders what she wants. When they were together, she was really into getting this elegant, simple line tattoo of an easel, like the proper kind she used in the art studio. He loved it then. It was so Maya. 

Shawn doesn’t know if it’s still her. People change. He wouldn’t care though, truthfully. He’s beginning to realize he’ll be in love with Maya Lu for the rest of his life, no matter who she chooses to be. He tried to not love her once. He only ended up loving her more, and having to work that much harder to pretend he didn’t. 

Even when he hates her, he loves her. The emotional dissonance is sickening sometimes. 

So she’ll get an easel or a surfboard or a really hideous chest piece that says MOM and it won’t matter. He’ll still be as miserably fucked for her then as he is now. 

She wasn’t really that sure until he said it out loud. 

“Yeah,” she gasps, “Yeah no, now. I want it now. Do you have a place you like? Is it open?”

She must look a little frantic. She knows she used to go off on whims like this when they were together in their early 20s, but maybe he’s not used to that anymore. She doesn’t want to freak him out. 

But she wants him with her for this. This is big.

“Please,” she murmurs, lifting her gaze to his, “Please, I want to do this now. With you.”

He hurled back to college by the desperate look in her eye. He’s nodding before he can really think. Of course. He’ll do anything she wants. He’s had enough rum for that to be easy, for his heart to be plucked out of his chest and slapped on his sleeve. It beats loudly in his ears and he wonders if she can hear it, too. 

“Okay,” he says, “Yeah, now. Let’s go now,” he says, already pulling on his shirt and finding his shoes.

With me, with me, with me. 

“I-- yeah, my friend Jessica, she’s-- yeah, she’s the best, she did my whole torso. She’s always open til midnight, too,” he pushes himself up and holds his hand out for her.

“C’mon, Lu. It’s now or never,” he urges with a grin, even though he knows that’s not true. But it feels true, because he knows it’ll never be like this again. This is his shot. His perfect shot at one night where he can pretend they’re them again. Where he can embrace the fact that it feels as though no time has passed, even with everything that’s different, because she still looks at him the same way and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend she doesn’t. 

And just like that, it’s 2007 again and they’re them, running against the wind.

Maya stands. Her heart is thrumming hard with the adrenaline rush. It’s a high she barely remembers -- she chased it with him all the time when they were together. Without him, any attempt was dulled, lacking.

So she takes the hit of him now as he offers it to her. She’ll worry about the addictive consequences later. She needs this. She deserves this.

She takes the hand he offers her and looks up at him, a little desperate, a little wild.

“Don’t let me run away from this, even if I try.”

She hopes it sounds like she’s talking about the tattoo.

She holds his hand easily, and his thumb runs along her knuckles, just like it always does. 

He shakes his head and tugs her gently as he leads her towards the boardwalk. “No way, kiddo, I’ll strap you down if I have to.” 

He’s gone enough to not care about the looks the locals give them as they walk away from the party before it’s really gotten started. He’s gone enough not to think about how creepy telling his ex-girlfriend he’s gonna “strap her down” is. Tonight he’s in college again, and in college he joked like that with Maya all the time. 

He doesn’t like pretending around her. And he’s fucking sick of hiding. He’s sick of feeling like a stranger in his own town. Maya makes him finally feel at home. He wants to chase that feeling. 

+

The tattoo studio is luckily not that far down the boardwalk, because neither of them is in the shape to drive. It also means they don’t have a good excuse to stop holding hands, so they continue until he’s hooking a left into a little shop with a bell over the door.

Once inside, surrounded by photos of beautiful tattoos over the years Jessica has displayed, it feels a little more real. She’s not backing down, though. This is too important.

“Just a minute!” Jessica calls from the back when the bell over the door chimes, signaling their arrival. 

“S’just me, Jessie,” Shawn calls, pulling Maya into the shop behind him. “I brought a friend, though!” 

“I love new friends,” Jessica laughs as she bounces out of the back room. 

He gives Maya a little smile as he releases her fingers, then wraps his arms around Jessica, pressing a quick kiss to her hair as she pats him on the back five times, like always. They separate and Shawn steps back, curling an arm around Maya and guiding her forward. 

Maya tugs at her fingers while Shawn greets Jessica. She fixates on a photo of a piece that takes up a woman’s entire back -- it’s a scene from Avila Beach. It’s enchanting.

“Jessica, this is Maya, the first timer. Maya, Jessica. The tattoo master.” 

Shawn’s arm around her waist gets her attention. Automatically, she rests her hand on his forearm and grins, reaching out for Jessica’s hand.

“Hi. Yeah. First timer. Kinda nervous.”

Jessica takes Maya’s hand with a wide smile splitting her lips.

“Maya,” she says, like the name means something to her, “So nice to meet you!” 

Jessie throws Shawn a furtive, yet pointed glance, and he knows he’s been caught. The thing is, he likes to vent when he gets ink. It’s a good distraction from the pain. Tattoo artists are definitely part time therapists, but better, because Shawn doesn’t ever want to tell his actual therapist about Maya. 

Not yet, anyway. 

Jessie’s easy to talk to, and everything about Maya came out pretty easily when she was doing the anchor on his hip and asked him if it had a special meaning or anything. With each new tattoo came more and more honesty, about Maya, about Leah and his divorce, about everything. 

He’s pulled from his thoughts when Jess extracts Maya from his side and pulls her towards the little consulting area next to the counter. 

“Don’t be nervous,” Jess starts as she sits Maya down, then settles next to her. “They say I’m the gentlest you can get for a first time.” 

Jessica seems really delighted to meet Maya and it’s fishy. It’s more than just the enthusiasm of gaining a client, it’s more than that, like maybe Shawn got loose-lipped in the chair while she was inking him. Maya goes red, wondering what her told her.

Jessica guides her to the counter and Maya struggles to focus -- is she doing this? Is she really about to do this?

“Maya’s an artist,” he pipes up, because he feels like a fish on land, flopping behind them in the middle of the shop. “She already has plenty of awesome ideas for a piece.” 

When Maya looks back at Shawn, she smiles gratefully and feels a little more secure. Shawn would never let her get hurt. Never.

She clears her throat. “Um, yeah, I was thinking an easel? Really simple, clean lines, on my wrist. Do you have a pad and a pen? I can draw it out.”

She looks back at Shawn and waves him over because he’s looking a little lost.

An easel. Still. He loves that. He always wanted to see the little easel she used to doodle on literally everything inked across her skin. It’ll be all too fitting for her first tattoo. 

Jessie goes for a pen and pad of paper as Shawn smiles down at Maya. She looks nervous, like maybe she might get up and run away if he doesn’t stand in front of the door. But the door is so far, and he kind of wants to be as close to her as possible. 

Shawn makes his move to sit on the other side of Maya as Jess comes back and slides the pen and paper onto his-- onto Maya’s lap. 

“Have at it,” the tattoo artist encourages with a smile before she gets up and fumbles around for papers and what have you behind the counter. She looks back at them for a moment, says, “After you do that, I can do pricing and then we’ll have to talk about the process and aftercare.” 

Maya sits at the stool and does her best to block Shawn and Jessica out altogether as she draws. It’s a simple piece, she’s doodled it hundreds of times, but this one’s on her body. She grins at the final product and hands it to Jessica.

Once pricing is set and they’ve gone over details, Maya reaches back for Shawn’s hand and tugs him along to the chair. She sits and looks up at him, trying to hide her panic.

“So your first tattoo, the guitar,” she begins, hearing her voice shake, “It didn’t hurt that much, right?”

Shawn curls his foot around the rolling stool in the middle of the room and pulls it over to Maya’s side as she lies in the chair. He wets his lips, presses them together as he squeezes her hand and sits next to her. 

“Nah,” he says, because that’s the truth. Comparatively, his guitar was no big deal. Nothing was worse than the tiger. 

Objectively, however, the guitar still kind of sucked. 

“It wasn’t, like, a walk in the park either, though,” he murmurs, running the pad of his thumb along the inside of her wrist. 

Shawn settles in next to her like a boyfriend and Maya is not complaining. She stares up at him while he talks and feels a little like a kindergartener listening to a big kid explain the rules of the playground. His thumb is calloused and rough against the thin skin of her wrist. She shivers. 

Shawn smiles down at her, trying for reassuring. “But you’re fuckin’ tough. You know that.” 

Maya smiles. She was tough for a time. Maybe the last 12 years made her a different kind of tough. She doesn’t often feel tough anymore. It’s nice to be reminded she has the capacity. 

He rests his elbow on the edge of her chair and lifts their intertwined hands, bringing her fingers to his lips, dusting the tips of her fingers with gentle kisses. He doesn’t think too hard about it, just lets himself do it. 

“And anyway, I’m right here.”

Jessica stencils out the easel on her wrist exactly as she wants it. Maya gives her the go ahead to continue. With a smile, Jessica starts the tattoo gun and gently begins the piece. 

Maya’s abdomen tenses and she doesn’t know if it’s from the sudden sensation in her wrist or Shawn’s lips on her fingers. She gazes up at him again like they’re alone in the room and watches as he kisses each fingertip like they’re his to kiss. 

“Ok yeah,” she pants a little against the pain, “Yeah, it hurts a little.”

He doesn’t mean to laugh, but she’s fucking cute. He bets it hurts more than just a little, but she’s always been good at putting on a brave face. His teeth sink into his lower lip as his laughter subsides and he gives her hand a careful squeeze. 

Maya wrinkles her nose at him. But he’s laughing at her, so her whole body is covered in goosebumps. 

“S’gonna get worse before it gets better. Just so you know,” he says gently, reaching forward to tuck a wild tendril of raven hair behind her ear. 

His fingers linger on her ear, and he realizes she’s got a rook piercing in her cartilage she didn’t have before. It’s pretty and fitting for her, and it makes him want to kiss the delicate shell of her ear. 

He doesn’t, obviously, and instead drops his hand away from her to rest it on his knee. 

“This is gonna look so good, though, Lulu. It’s gonna be great.” 

As he tucks hair behind her ear, she looks back down at her wrist as Jessica does her careful work. Maya’s sure it’ll be worth it when it’s done, but it does hurt like a bitch. 

Jessica skims over a particularly sensitive spot. Maya flinches a little, managing to keep her wrist steady, but she squeezes Shawn’s hand. 

“Ow,” she mutters quietly, blushing and trying to keep her eyes off Shawn. 

He feels her flinch, her hand tightening around his. She’s staring at the needle going into her skin, and he’s not sure why. It always squicks him out. That’s why he focuses on talking. 

He squeezes her hand back. “Hey,” he murmurs, tugging at her fingers gently, “Don’t look down there. Look at me, sugar.” 

The word falls from his lips before he can stop it. She was his sugar for so fucking long, it’s almost second nature for him to use the pet name. He decides not to back down from it, though, just holds her hand firmly and cups her cheek, urging her to look away from the tattoo. 

Maya’s brow is furrowed, focused on the pain in her arm and feeling her heart rate rise at watching the needle in her skin. 

Shawn pulls her back in a way only he can. His voice, the pet name, it’s like something from a 10 year old dream. Maya inhales sharply and looks up at him, eyes wide, waiting to see if he’ll shrink away from it, take it back, make a joke. 

He’s not joking. He cups her cheek. Her wrist doesn’t hurt anymore. 

She looks at him and he kisses her. He can’t help it. Her eyes are wide, pleading. They tell him, stay with me, don’t go. 

Maybe he’s making it up. He kisses her anyway. His hand tilts her head back so he can press his lips carefully to hers. A spark ignites; fire spreads from his lips and courses through his veins. It drives him crazy, touching her like this, and then it settles him. 

He feels at home here, holding her clenching hand and kissing her soft lips. He feels a dislodged piece of himself, the one he’s been chasing for years, click into place as the tattoo gun buzzes between them. 

Maya feels beautifully heavy, grounded somehow when he kisses her. It’s solid and real and purposeful, not fraught like their last kiss. This one feels like an old kiss, like a leftover from their time together. Maya settles into it, scraping her dulled fingernail affectionately against his finger as he tilts her head back.

He tastes like rum. Or maybe she does. She should probably consider the fact that they’re not alone, but it’s the furthest thing from her mind right now. They feel alone, really alone together for the first time since she came to Avila.

Maya sits back a little from the weight of the kiss and smiles at the wet sound their lips make as they separate, audible over the buzzing of the gun. She doesn’t go far, pulling away to his cheek to brush her lips over his skin and watch the hair on the back of his neck stand up for her.

He has to stop himself from purring I love you into her ear as her lips brush his cheek. His drunk brain tells him it’s like, the best idea in the world because the truth is always good, right? But he’s clinging on to his sobriety just enough to know that his drunk brain is tricking him. 

It’s a perfect moment, just the way it is. He won’t let his big mouth ruin it. 

He pulls back just enough to rest his cheek on the chair next to her face, tucking his chin on her shoulder as he watches Jessie try her very, very hardest not to look up at them. Her focus is laser as she glides the gun across Maya’s skin. 

He kisses her shoulder, glances up at her. “This is gonna be super cool, Lu. Like, you’ll love it.” 

Shawn stays close, nestling next to her in their little bubble. She unwinds her fingers from his in favor of running them against his jaw and watching his chest rise and fall.

Her eyes slide shut for a few perfect seconds as he kisses her clavicle. She hums in agreement and continues stroking his skin, the rhythm comforting as a distraction from her pain.

He looks back at the gun, at the way Jessie bites her lower lip like she does when she’s really in the zone. He’s jealous, for a moment, of Maya’s abused skin. He basically always wants another tattoo, has an endless list of ideas, and witnessing someone else get inked always makes him that much more desperate for something fresh, himself. 

“I think I’m gonna go next,” he says from his perch on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze. 

Her eyes open. “You’re getting one? Now?”

Jessica sits up and turns off the gun. Maya looks down. She bites down on a goofy grin.

“Wow. Jessica, it’s beautiful. Thank you.”

He looks from Maya’s wrist to Jessica as he lifts his head from the chair. 

“Yeah, now,” he says with a nod, “I mean, if that’s okay, boss.” 

Jessica laughs as she takes off her gloves, cleaning up in the sink in the corner of the room. 

“Fine with me, babe,” she says, drying her hands, “Just lemme know me what you’re thinking.” 

Shawn looks to Maya and reaches for her freshly inked wrist, now wrapped in cellophane. He runs his thumb along the back of her wrist as he studies the easel. 

“I like it,” he murmurs, even though he fucking loves it. He loves seeing ink on her skin. He looks up at her while Jessie futzes around the shop. “But I don’t know what to get.” 

He keeps one hand on her while he retrieves his phone, looking at Maya with pleading eyes as he opens his photos. “Help me pick?” 

Maya’s admiring the tattoo, turning her head to different angles while Jessica tidies up. Shawn tugs at her hand and takes a close look with her.

As he leans in, Maya turns her head and noses at the fine little curls at his temple. She hopes it’s ok to do now that the distraction of the pain can’t be used as an excuse anymore. Though her wrist still hurts a little.

Maya watches Shawn flip through pictures of inspiration on his phone and chews on her lower lip. She doesn’t know what piping up now will bring, but as soon as he said he wanted a tattoo tonight, an old image came to her head.

“I have an idea, if you want,” she offers, standing and going to the counter for the pad of paper.

She sketches it from a memory so old it could’ve been a dream. Or maybe it was a dream. Either way, Maya remembers it well. She thinks it’s probably in an old sketchbook at the bottom of a box in her Avila house -- she has a rule against throwing sketchbooks away.

She holds up the pad, eyes wide, lips tight, heart pounding. It’s an intricately sketched thimble with little crosshatchings and sculpted designs, tipped over on its side with some gentle shading. The image is as intimately familiar to them as anything could ever be, one of their most meaningful shared moments.

He’s busy flicking between two designs when Maya scurries away from him. He lifts his head, gaze following her to the counter. He watches her as she leans over the pad and starts scribbling, her lips pressed together as she concentrates. 

He doesn’t move. He’s curious, his stomach twisting at the thought that she has an idea for him. She wants something she’s designed inked into his skin. Permanently. He got his anchor tattoo for her, but getting something she designed for him, on purpose, seems so much heavier.  He swallows and eventually stands, just as she’s lifting the pad and turning to show him her work. 

“Maya,” he murmurs when his eyes fall to the intricate thimble sketched in the middle of the paper. It hits him in the gut, the simple little design that used to mean so much to both of them. It still means so much to him. That’s why he never got it on his own, even though she’d mentioned it in passing. 

Seems like maybe it meant enough to her that she actually ended up designing it for him. And the fact that she remembered it well enough to sketch it so beautifully, so quickly-- well, maybe that means it still means a lot to her, too. 

“Really?” he asks, brows raising as he looks from the paper to catch her gaze. “I mean-- is that okay with you? I fucking-- you know I love it.” 

Maya looks down at the pad and back up at him. “I just… it’s old. I mean, I had the idea… a really long time ago. I don’t know if this is exactly how you’d even want it. And you don’t have to get it, it’s just--”

She stops herself and takes a breath. She mashes her lips together.

“I know it’s… it’s not who we are now. It’s who we were once. You don’t have to get it, I just wanted you to have it. I’ve always wanted you to have it. I made it for you.”

Maya puts the pad back on the counter and stands. She reaches for his hand and takes it between both of hers. “It’s up to you, anyway.”

She’s suddenly very candid, bringing up their relationship in an honest way neither of them have been willing to broach before. She’s braver than he is, he guesses. His compartmentalization skills are unparalleled; he would’ve gone the entire summer without ever calling direct attention to their past. 

He’s a fucking wimp. 

He looks down at her hands and shakes his head. She doesn’t have to do so much explaining and justification. That’s it for him. It’s the perfect tattoo.

He reaches for her face, cupping her jaw gently. “It’s perfect, Lu,” he murmurs, tipping his head down so he can press her forehead to hers. 

Shawn pulls her in for a tender moment. She closes her eyes and lets herself feel close to him -- feel the weight of his forehead against hers, feel his breath on her cheeks, feel the warmth of his body against hers. It’s a welcome, comforting stillness.

An ‘I love you’ bubbles in his throat, but he swallows it. It’s just a tattoo, right? No reason to confess his deep dark secret because of it. 

And yet. 

A flicker of hope ignites in his chest. She wants a sign of their love burned into his skin, and that’s gotta mean something.

He wants it to mean something. 

He presses his lips to hers briefly before he pulls away and reaches for the pad. Jess must’ve slipped into the back office, because Shawn realizes they’re alone as he looks around. 

“Jessie!” he calls, “Maya designed the perfect tattoo!” 

She earns another little kiss for her thoughtfulness. When he pulls away to call for Jessie, she blinks out of her Shawn-induced daze and licks her lips.

Jessie comes when she’s called. Maya nods at the pad and continues playing with Shawn’s fingers. Jessie takes a look at the sketch and smiles knowingly.

“Very nice. Where are we putting this?”

Maya looks to Shawn curiously.

He hadn’t thought about it. He looks down at the pad, then looks down at himself, then to Maya. He shrugs, tilts his head. 

“Dunno. What d’you think, Lemon? I didn’t even think about that.” 

Maya snickers at his use of a nickname he hasn’t used in a long time. He always did love coming up with nicknames for her.

He’s got plenty of clean skin compared to some people he knows, but it’s still always hard to pick the right place. Sometimes it’s nice to have an outside perspective, particularly since he can’t see, like, all of himself. 

He takes a step back and tugs his shirt off once more, tossing it onto the counter. 

“Here. Tell me what’s gonna look good,” he urges with a grin, holding his arms out wide. 

She watches him strip off his shirt and smiles -- now she’s really allowed to study him. He holds out his beautifully toned arms. Maya swallows and turns in a circle around him. As she passes his chest, she shoots him a teasing glance.

Maya reaches her fingers out as she slowly paces around him, tracing them down his spine and swirling around the firm definition of his back muscles. She makes another slow pass, feeling a little predatory. Then, she stops facing his back. She lifts her hands to his waist gently and steps in, closing her eyes as she presses her lips to a spot on the inside of his shoulder blade.

Because he’s Shawn, he’ll know what it means. He’ll remember the way she used to hold him at night as they fell asleep together and kiss her favorite little spot, whispering one of her favorite lines from Peter Pan about how a kiss is a thimble.

Her lips burn against the skin of his back. He has to swallow a groan, has to fight the shiver that crawls across his skin. 

Maya feels the well trained muscles of his shoulder go tight under her soft mouth, feels him inhale sharply in surprise. It’s all she can do to pull away from him and not just take more. She rolls her fingers into fists by her sides and steps away. 

After letting her lips linger for a beat too long, she moves away from him, but he still feels her even after she’s gone. Like always. 

“Yeah,” he coughs, turning to look down at her. “That’s a good idea.” 

He doesn’t let himself kiss her again, even though he’s a little desperate. But they’re not alone, and he doesn’t think a second instance of PDA would be polite. 

Jessie’s watching, and Shawn can practically feel her gaze burn his skin. He’s going to have a lot of explaining to do, later. He doesn’t care. 

“Okay, Jess,” he says, turning to the tattoo artist. “We’re doing the right shoulder blade.” 

He agrees breathlessly. The tension breaks when he brings Jessie back into the mix. Maya is grateful. Her head was starting to spin. 

Jessie doesn’t say anything, just gives him a smile and nods her head towards the chair, because he knows the drill. He takes it on himself to readjust it, making so he can lie on his stomach while she works on him. 

Shawn looks to Maya before he lies down, tips his head. “You gonna hold my hand?” 

Maya watches as he climbs onto the chair face down and looks up at her. She smiles and pushes some loose curls off his forehead with a nod. She perches on a stool next to the chair as Jessie begins to set up behind him. She takes his hand in hers and traces the swallow with her thumb. 

“Of course.”

Shawn presses his cheek into the chair as she slips her fingers between his, sending her a crooked smile. He hears Jessie behind him settling at his side so she can outline the thimble on his shoulder. He shivers slightly, squeezing Maya’s hand. The pen on his skin always makes his skin tingle in such a satisfying way. 

The tattoo gun buzzes to life above him. He wets his lips and looks from their joined hands to Maya’s sun-kissed face. 

“I’m a talker,” he starts, eyes slipping shut with the first press of the needle to his skin. “Talk too much, probably, but talking through the pain is good. Like, medically or whatever. If you can talk through the pain then you’re not dying, you know?” 

His eyes open again.

“Not that tattoos can kill you. Unless they get infected and then you get gangrene or hepatitis or something. But that’s--” 

“I’m a very hygienic tattoo artist, thanks,” Jessie interrupts, and he can hear the smirk in her voice. 

“Then I guess I won’t die,” he says with a wink to Maya, just as his fingers curl tighter into her palm. He’s good at a brave face by now, though the rest of his body sometimes betrays him. And the talking.

Maya looks between Shawn’s face as he rambles and Jessie’s hand as she works. She’s always liked watching other people draw. When she was too keyed up after a 14-hour day at the office to sleep, she’d watch YouTube videos of people drawing. It’s mesmerizing and calming to her. And Jessie’s art is unlike anything Maya’s ever seen done. 

She likes listening to him talk. When he’d get anxious, he’d go off on tangents, swinging her fingers as he held them and gesturing wildly with his other hand. She’d pipe up occasionally with a comment or a question but otherwise just listened.

It’s nice just hearing him talk aimlessly again.

“Yeah,” she giggles, lifting his clenching hand to her lips. She presses her mouth to the knuckle of his thumb with a shy smile, “Please don’t die.”

Something tugs at his heart when Maya brush a kiss against his knuckles and decides she doesn’t want him to die. Not that he ever thought she did, but the reassurance is nice. It’s nice to know she’d miss him if he were gone. He’s beginning to think she might’ve missed him before, too. 

Maya looks back over his shoulder to watch Jessie round out the thimble that she’s dreamed about seeing on him for so long.

With a crooked smirk, she asks, “Do you remember the first time we watched Peter Pan together?”

He grins at her question. “Animated version or the one with the kid? Because yes to both.” 

He’s always loved Peter Pan. He’s always loved the idea of being a kid forever, even when he was itching to grow up. It just got worse as he got older and realized growing up sucked a little. 

It sucked a little less with Maya. 

“I remember you cried both times. And I remember you sang along even after you told me you wouldn’t because you weren't drunk. And you said a thimble would be a good tattoo and I said maybe a naked mermaid would be better and then you hit me.” 

Maya laughs. She was referring to the animated version but she remembers both occasions fondly. She was curled up on the couch with him during her senior year. He had a hand up the back of her t-shirt to trace patterns until he slipped her out of it completely. And yeah, she did sing dead sober. She probably would’ve stopped at some point but he looked so delighted to hear her voice.

“I think it was more of a love tap,” she points out, raising an eyebrow at him, “Who gets a naked mermaid tattoo, anyway? Who do you think you are, Harry Styles?”

“Hey,” he crows, his voice slightly more on edge than it would be if he didn’t have a needle pricking his back, “I came up with that idea way before that guy even existed. I’m the original.” 

Maya rolls her eyes at his indignation but doesn’t poke at him further because Jessie’s doing plenty of that on her own.

The tattoo artist chuckles and continues crosshatching the thimble. Maya smiles quietly.

“It looks beautiful,” she tells him.

He closes his eyes and hisses when Jessie has to work on a particularly tender spot, just near the spine of his shoulder blade. His teeth dig at his lip and he pulls Maya’s hand toward him, pressing his nose against her fingers. 

“Shit,” he chokes out a laugh, “You’d think at some point this wouldn’t feel like anything anymore. Like your nerves would just get used to it. Maybe that’s bad, though. Like, can’t feel pain, don’t know when you’re getting hurt. Then you die.” 

As he tenses and drags her hand in closer, she goes willingly and brings her other hand up to stroke through his hair. She hopes the rhythm of it will provide some comfort. He continues rambling, she continues smiling at him and glancing over his shoulder to keep an eye on Jessie’s work.

Shawn blinks up at Maya when Jessie lets up to wipe at his skin with gauze. 

“Guess I think a lot about death and mortality when I’m getting inked.” 

She looks back down at him. “Stop talking about dying. Nobody’s dying. And it looks like Jessie’s wrapping up soon.” Jessie smiles, still focused on her work, and nods.

Maya chews on the inside of her lip thoughtfully, twirling one of Shawn’s curls around her finger. She’s just become aware that once he’s finished and they’ve both paid, this part of the night is over. She doesn’t know what happens next.

What happens next?

After another ten minutes of rambling, Jess dresses his tender skin with gauze and tape, then leads them both to the counter to pay. Shawn doesn’t drop Maya’s hand until he has to fish his wallet out of the pocket of his swim shorts. He itches to grab her hand again after, but then she’s paying, hands busy, and he wanders over to the door to wait for her instead. 

He doesn’t want to leave her. He doesn’t want the night to be over. It’s only like 9:30, and they’ve just started to find the rhythm with which they were once so familiar. 

Maya does her very best pretending that things aren’t immediately weird and tense after Shawn stands from the chair and they go to pay. There’s idle chatter, but it feels a little overly polite, like they’re both trying to make each other comfortable at their own expense. 

Maya smiles as she approaches him and he grins back. He can’t help it, she’s contagious. He waves at Jess over Maya’s head, says, “Thanks, Jess. I’ll see ya soon.” 

Once they’re back on the boardwalk, he takes Maya’s hand back like it’s the most casual thing in the world and not a decision he’s been laboring over since they first separated. He plays with her fingers like he used to, rubs his thumb between her knuckles like he used to. 

He really wants to do everything like he used to, but he wants to do it all differently, too. 

Not that it matters, since she’s leaving. But he could give her a really great summer, if she let him. 

She’s a little relieved and a little empowered when he takes her hand back outside. They haven’t started walking anywhere yet and it’s clear that it’s because they don’t know where they’re going.

“You tired?” he asks, breaking the calm silence of the cool night. 

Maya mashes her lips together and focuses on the way his fingers feel interlaced with hers. She wants to feel more, she thinks. She wants to feel him again.

Maya looks up, squeezes his hand. “Is… it ok if I’m not?”

He laughs, bringing their joined hands to his lips. He nips at the knuckle of her middle finger as he looks down at her. 

“That is probably the most okay thing in the world, Lu,” he says with a soothing kiss to her bitten skin. “I’m not bored of you yet, anyway.” 

It feels like their first date again, back when he didn’t know what she was thinking and wasn’t sure if she wanted all the same things he did. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once. And also sad. If she were staying for good, this could be their chance to fall in love again. But they can’t, so he’ll take what he can get. Even if it makes him more than a little sad. 

He shakes the thought and starts walking down the boardwalk, tugging Maya along with him back towards the party. 

Maya watches as he cycles through a few different emotions and she’s surprised by how easily she can still read him. Or she thinks she can. She’s curious to see just how much he perks up by the idea of taking her back to the party. But then he takes a left turn into something that seems wistful and nostalgic. 

She thinks maybe he’s thinking the same thing she is, about how they used to be when they were here. About how it feels sometimes like maybe they could get back there without too much trouble.

If she doesn’t think about her lie.

“Geoff brought bud, if you wanna smoke or something,” he looks down at her. “Or there’s tequila. And more s’mores. Whatever you want.” 

Shawn starts to lead her back down the boardwalk to the party. Suddenly, her body makes up her mind and plants itself firmly like a child about to have a fit at the mall. She locks her knees and stands firm.

“I’m -- wait. I think instead,” she pants gently, “I think you should… god. Fuck it. Come home with me, Shawn.”

---------

Taglist: @smallerinfinities @the-claire-bitch-project @achinglyshawn @infiniteshawn @mendesoft @singanddreamanyway @alone-in-madness @abigfatmess @shawnitsmutual @awkwardfangirl2014 @september-lace @grittyisaho @sinplisticshawn @rollingxstone @yslsaint @randi-eve @fallmoreinlove @heyits-claire @itrocksmysocks @parkerspicedlatte @simpledomain @abeautiful-and-cloudy-day @thecurlsofgod @desire-to-live @jillian-nd @shawnwyr @curlsofshawn @graysonmendes @tnhmblive @meltingicequeen

[thelanguageoflovers]

A Study in Fate - Chapter 6

Lucy took a deep breath, leaning against the door of Emily’s car and closing her eyes. Cool air swirled around her, calming her heartbeat as she pulled her phone and earbuds out of her pocket. Sighing, she put them in her ears, subconsciously moving along to the song flooding through her earbuds.

When her hands stopped trembling a few moments later, she opened her eyes to find Buffy and Amber standing in front of her.

“There she is,” Amber said, smiling gently. Lucy nodded, gathering Amber into her arms in a warm hug. “You scared me, Luce.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled into Amber’s shoulder. “Where’s Teej?”

“Told him to take the other car home.”

“And Buffy’s here because…?” Lucy glanced over Amber’s shoulder, watching as Buffy’s eyes widened at the use of her first name. Lucy winked, smiling as Amber opened her mouth.

“She-”

“-Can speak for herself, I imagine?” Lucy teased, pulling away from the hug and looking to Buffy.

“I’m here to apologize,” Buffy supplied, stepping forward. “So, um, here goes. I’m...sorry. For everything. You’re here for what? 6 hours? And I was awful to you, and you didn't deserve that. At all. You’re more talented than I thought,” she admitted.

“That is how one apologizes, yes, good job,” Lucy chuckled, offering Buffy her hand. “I appreciate it.”

Buffy grinned, taking her hand and shaking it.

“...But I‘m still not joining the dance team,” Lucy said, grinning maliciously.

“Damn,” Buffy huffed.

“I’m just not a big ‘school dance team’ person. Cheerleading? Already in the works. Studio dance team? Already on it. But school dance teams? No thank you.”

“How the hell are you going to fit all that into your schedule? Maya told me you signed up for a 25 hour dance week,” Buffy said, eyebrows furrowed.

“Cheer is before school, with games on the weekends. I can make games after dance. And competition team will be during dance hours- I pulled some strings, and now it replaces strength and conditioning in Maya’s eyes. I guess that’s because it meets every day- also I now only have a 22 hour week- and I keep up with workouts. So anyway, I still get the key to the studio, and competitions will replace classes- shit. I forgot- I’ll be right back!”

With that, she was rushing back into the studio. They watched her go for a few moments before turning back to one another.

“Is she just...Permanently renouncing sleep?” Buffy asked, leaning against the car.

“She already has,” Amber said casually. “And yes, she’s always like this.”

“Hmm. Fair enough.” Buffy smiled as Lucy stepped back out of the studio. “What’d you do now?”

“Got Maya to let be choreograph the team’s numbers for the competition in two weeks,” Lucy said, smirking smugly.

“All of them?” Buffy asked.

“Mhm, why not?”

“That’s insane! How did Maya Beck let you do that? Her own son wasn’t even allowed to when he asked two seasons ago. Granted, Jonah Beck is awful. Should definitely just stick with his guitar. But he is her son. Like- the literal and actual continuation of her family. They’re not flesh and blood, but-”

“They’re family, we get it.” Lucy rolled her eyes in amusement as she and Amber slid into the car. “You getting in?”

“I- what?”

“Don’t you want a ride home?” Lucy asked, smiling like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“...Please don’t kill me,” Buffy mumbled, sliding into the backseat. “Jesus Christ, this thing is worth more than three times my mother’s entire pregnancy of American medical bills. And that woman needed an emergency C-section.”

“Interesting yardstick you’re using there,” Lucy chuckled, pulling out of the parking lot.

“Yeah, yeah. You still haven’t answered my question, though.”

“It’s like you said, Buffy.” Lucy briefly made eye contact with her in the rearview mirror. “I’m more talented than you might think.”

“...You are so fucking cocky, Kippen number 1,” Buffy said, gesturing for Lucy to take a right.

“So are Kippens 2-3,” Amber responded. “So what are you going to do for the competition?”

“I don’t know yet. But I do have a hell of an idea for a duo and one for a group routine. We don’t have nearly enough people for the group though, there are only seven girls including me. And no boys.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“...Probably some bullshit ‘7 Rings’ piece for the group. A duo to ‘Ghost of You’? That one’s gonna take a hell of a lot of work. Maybe a trio to ‘Hold On’-”

“Which one?” Amber interrupted.

“Extreme Music.”

“And you’ll be performing in all of these, I imagine?”

“Well, yeah. Maya said I’m probably best off taking the reins for a few competitions until I can get my girls in shape.

“Good. Anything else?”

“A solo. My solo.”

“Wait, are you going to-”

“Yup.” Lucy cut Amber off, hands tightening on the wheel.

“I thought you said you’d never perform that one again, no matter how much we liked it.”

“What? No! Not that one! That solo can rot, it’s awful. I mean ‘War of Hearts’.” Amber let out a low whistle, eyes wide.

“What’s ‘War of Hearts’?” Buffy asked from the back seat, leaning forward in interest. Amber waved her off, manicured acrylics dismissing her.

“Hang on. You’re going to pull out that solo on your first competition?”

“I don’t see why not.” Lucy shrugged.

“Because you almost died last time!”

“I did not ‘almost die’! I broke my leg and ankle, calm down. Plus, it’s never been performed in front of an audience, the choreo is done, and I only need one prop,” she bargained, rolling her eyes at Amber.

“A prop that almost paralyzed you last time!”

“I was not- okay I was almost paralyzed,” she conceded. “But it wasn’t the table’s fault! I just, uh, screwed up the fall. A little.”

“A little? Lucy, you had like three surgeries because they couldn’t figure out what the hell to do all at once!” Amber argued.

“What the hell is this routine?!” Buffy yelled. “It sounds like she has to like jump to her peril.”

“Not much better! She has to fucking fouetté off a table!”

“I do not fouetté off the table! I fouetté to the edge of the table and then fall off!” Lucy defended. She slowed to a stop at a red light, glancing at Buffy in the rearview mirror. “Very different experiences. Trust me, I’ve done both. Why are you so worried about this, anyway?” She drummed her fingers against the wheel, waiting for the light to turn.

“Lucy! You came back home a little banged up last time. But if you’d fallen a little further onto your neck? You wouldn’t have come home at all.”

Amber squeezed her eyes shut, pointing to the green light in front of them to distract from the fact that she was crying. Lucy sighed, waiting for the traffic in front of them to start through the light before she followed.

“Okay, I won’t-” Lucy was cut off by a flash of dark blue metal crossing her peripheral vision. Someone was about to run their light and kill them all. She’d always imagined she’d know what to do in this situation. Maybe she’d hit the breaks, maybe she’d turn out of the way. And yet somehow, she was on autopilot. She swerved to avoid the car, but it was too late. A loud shatter of glass signaled the car smashing into the passenger side of theirs.

Lucy paced back and forth in the hallway, phone pressed to her ear.

“Goddamnit TJ, pick up!” She nearly threw her phone across the hallway, but Buffy’s hand on her forearm stopped her. “Hey! You’re okay!”

“Just needed some stitches. Thank God I was sitting behind you, not Amber.”

“I am so sorry, Buffy. If I hadn’t offered you that ride…”

“If you hadn’t offered me that ride, maybe it would have been me and my mom in that accident. It wasn’t your fault, Lucy.”

“Is she on her way? Your mom?”

“Yeah, but it’s not her I’m worried about. Any word from TJ?” she asked, sitting down in a chair against the wall. Lucy sat down next to her, shaking her head and burying it in her hands.

“Nothing yet. I’m gonna try Aunt Em.” She put her phone to her ear, reciting the same word over and over. Please.

“Hello?”

“Emily? Oh thank God,” Lucy sighed. “Listen, is TJ with you? He’s not answering his phone.”

“No, he headed to the park to play some basketball, what’s going on?’

“I’ll explain later. Just get TJ and come to the hospital. Amber’s in a coma.”

“What?!”

“Just get down here!”

“On my way.” Lucy sighed, hanging up and running her hands through her hair.

“Em’s coming. She’s gotta run by the park to get TJ.”

“How many cars does that woman have?”

“How many billions was my family born into?” Lucy retorted.

“Do I want to know?”

“Nope,” she laughed, popping the ‘p’. “The Kippens are neither humble nor poor, though I wish we were the former.”

“You know, your lack of humility? It’s kind of your most signature characteristic in my mind to date. Care to change that?”

“...You do know that ‘to date’ is literally just one date to you, right? You met me this morning, Buffy.”

Buffy simply nodded in defeat, leaning back into her chair.

“...But, we are more complex than lack of humility,” she said.

“Alright, give me a rundown,” Buffy said, grinning. “I want the full out, ever present narrator in a teenage romcom description.”

And who was Lucy to say no to that?

“You ever seen Heathers?”

“...Yes? Do I want to know where this is going?”

“The Kippen triplets are kind of...that.” Lucy put on her best narrator voice, a dramatic expression on her face as she readied herself to speak about herself in the third person.

“Really?” Buffy asked. “Like- felony arson and all?”

“No,” Lucy laughed. “Like- they’re the Heathers. Chandler, Duke, and McNamara.”

“Then who’s who?”

“Well, there’s TJ, or Heather Duke in our case. Kind of seems like your classic white douchebag jock, but he’s actually a really sweet guy. He’s the baby of the triplets, but packs a hell of an angry punch. Don’t get in his way unless you absolutely have to. That goes for all three of them though; they’re a bit of a feisty trio.

“Um, then Amber, the middle triplet. And our Heather McNamara. She’s… A bit of a popular girl cliche. She and Lucy were co-captains of the cheer squad in New York. She, TJ, and Lucy are best friends, and together… They’re kind of a murderous group. Amber knows how to throw a punch pretty damn well for a rich girl with stiletto shaped acrylics- she’s just as good as TJ. Maybe better. If she wants something, she knows how to get it.”

“And that leaves…?” Buffy prompted.

“Heather Chandler. Lucy Kippen. In our case, one and the same. Lucy’s pretty much the head bitch of her life.”

“Fascinating,” Buffy said, propping her chin up on her hand. “Does that make you a mythic bitch?”

“Yeah alright, that’s over now,” Lucy said, reverting to her natural voice. “Listen, I’m just a normal person, Buffy.”

“You’re a Kippen.”

“Okay, I’m like… 70% a normal person.”

“Alright, but I’m only really concerned for your whole 100%?” Buffy said slowly.

“Alright fine. I’m a dancer. 100%.”

“One hell of a cop-out you’ve got there.”

“Ugh, fine! My favorite color is red, I get all A's in school, my favorite subject is math, my lucky number is 28, I am 6’1”, I weigh 127.8 pounds, my favorite animal is a cat. Anything I missed?”

“Hold up, you only weigh 128 pounds and you’re 6’1”? Alright, not my business. I know.”

“Good. Don’t criticize a ballerina’s weight, idiot,” she teased, knocking her shoulder into Buffy’s.

“I know, I realized it the second I said it,” Buffy apologized sheepishly.

“Don’t sweat it, Driscoll. It’s all good.”

“Have you met me? On the outside, totally good. But definitely gonna sweat it, Kippen. You will actually never hear the end of this apologetic tirade.”

“Please don’t bore me with that.”

“Ms. Kippen?” Lucy turned her attention to the doctor standing in front of her.

“Yes?”

“Your sister is still unconscious, but you’re welcome to see her now,” Dr. Lawrence said gingerly.

“Oh- thank you so much. Is- is she…?”

“We can’t be sure of anything right now, Ms. Kippen.”

“Okay, thank you. Um, Buffy, stay here and tell TJ and Emily where I am? Please?”

“I’m not going anywhere, Kippen. I’ll tell them.”

“Thank you,” Lucy whispered, turning to follow Dr. Lawrence.

She stepped into Amber’s room, breath catching in her throat. She’d never seen her sister like this; she was covered in bandages and stitched up cuts. Lucy pulled a chair up to Amber’s bedside, sitting down with a heavy sigh.

“Hey, Ambs. I don’t know if you can hear me, but, you know. I’m still going to talk to you. God, I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say, Amber. I’m supposed to have this eloquent speech about how you’ve changed me as a person and I miss you so much and please come back, but… I don’t know what there is to say. You’re my best friend, Ambs. TJ and I would be lost without you. But you already knew that. And I’m not- I’m not going to tell you to wake up. Because, if you have to go, Ambs, I get it. I’ll cry and scream and I’ll break down and probably resent you a little bit, but I’ll get it. If you need to go, I want you to know that I understand. However, I am definitely going to plead with you here a little bit. Please, please wake up, Amber. I can’t do all of this without you. TJ relies on us for fucking everything, and I rely on you two, too. There have been three of us since the very beginning, Amber. And there will be three of us until the end. So just- God, just wake up.”

“You think that works?” Lucy turned around to find TJ leaning against the doorframe.

“Teej,” she breathed, looping her arms around his neck and pulling him into a hug.

“How’s our girl?”

“She’s… Alive. Somehow.”

“She’s a fighter. Learned from the best, I guess.”

“Who?” Lucy asked, meeting TJ’s eyes.

“You, dumbass,” he teased. “You are by far the strongest person we know.”

“I’m strong and a dumbass?”

“You’re a multitasker. Hell of a good one, too.”

“Well, if a girl an be a strong dumbass, there’s nothing else to want!” Lucy said with a roll of her eyes and a shove of TJ’s shoulder.

“My point exactly. Listen, do you mind if I…?” he gestured to Amber. Lucy nodded, squeezing his forearm.

“I’ll go find Buffy. And maybe also a coffee. Want anything?”

“Um… I could really go for some chocolate.”

“On it,” Lucy promised. “Be back soon.”

As Lucy stepped out of the room, TJ sat down in the seat she left behind. She gently let the door click closed, turning down the hall toward the waiting room.

“How’s she doing?” Buffy immediately asked, standing up when Lucy stepped out of the hallway. “Um, this is my mom.”

“Ms. Driscoll,” Lucy said, extending a hand to the woman next to Buffy. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

“You too, Lucy. Please, call me Pat. How’s your sister?”

“She’s good. I guess. She’s alive. Comatose, but well and truly alive.”

“I’m so glad.”

“Lucy!” Emily exclaimed, rushing forward to hug Lucy tightly. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

“It was awful, Em,” Lucy sobbed into Emily’s chest. “And it’s all my fault.”

“Hey. This is not your fault, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong, kiddo.” Emily’s voice was measured and careful as she pulled back to squeeze Lucy’s hand. “In fact, you did everything right. You tried to avoid the accident, you were quick to call 911. Hell, you have Amber’s blood on your leotard because you kept her conscious until the EMT came. You’re basically a damn superhero, Lucy Eleanora Kippen.”

“Eleanora?” Buffy hissed, eyes wide.

“I didn’t choose it,” Lucy defended, glancing down at her outfit. “Holy shit. That’s actually Amber’s blood.”

“You didn’t notice?” Pat asked.

“Not really. I- I’ll change… at some point. But for now, I am on a coffee and chocolate run.”

“Coffee… and chocolate?” Buffy asked.

“Long story. Come with me?” Lucy asked quickly.

“Uh, sure?” Lucy tugged her down the hall without a second thought, only stopping when they found a coffee machine.

“What’s going on? You good?”

“Yep,” Lucy said, pulling Buffy forward and kissing her. Buffy’s hands tangled in her hair as she stood on her toes to reach Lucy’s lips. They pulled apart after a few moments, and Lucy nodded decisively.

“Uhh…” Buffy said slowly. “What was that about, exactly?”

“Thank you.” Lucy nodded again, as if confirming something, before disappearing back down the hallway.

“...Any time.”

[heeydolan]

Scheming {G.D.} – Part 1

Summary: Being best friends with the Dolans only naturally means Y/N will do anything for them. Even if that means possibly sabotaging any chances she has with Grayson, she just can’t seem to say no to the people who have been there for her the most.

A/N: Hey guys! This is my first ever fanfic I’m posting! Sorry if it sucks lol. Enjoy! Also, this is inspired by the movie John Tucker Must Die.

Warnings: N/A

WC: 1.9k

masterlist

Senior year.

The year every high schooler anticipates but never expects to come so quickly. On your first last day, you feel this weird excitement that you can't really explain but at the same time you're dreading another year at the place that you've dragged yourself to every morning for the past three years. You're ready to be done with this hell hole but you can't imagine leaving.

All the perks that come with the title of being a senior also keeps you pushing regardless if you're ready to leave or not. Being the Kings and Queens of the school, half-assing every class, and the parties all make it pretty bearable, too.

All the anxiety and stress Junior year caused me makes the work load that Senior year is going to hold look wimpy.

Of course that was my choice last year but overall, my GPA and I are very thankful for all my effort.

Aside from school work, high school has been very good to me.

I've discovered my true friends, Camilla Vargas, Ethan Dolan, Matt Jensen, and Grayson Dolan.

Cheerleading has brought me a lot of joy. Thank you Camilla for forcing me to try out our freshman year.

And it's taught me to live and appreciate life.

I'm sure there's a lot more to learn from high school, as I still have this next year to get through but my priority is walking across the stage, getting my diploma, and graduating.

Pulling into the student parking lot, I make my way to my assigned parking spot next to my best friends. The three of them had already arrived and I'm not surprised that they beat me here.

Gathered around Ethan's truck, they turn their attention to me as I get my things out of my back seat.

"Of course Y/N is the last one to get here." Camilla says as she pops her lollypop back in her mouth. I roll my eyes at her as I swing my book bag over my shoulder and shut the car door.

"At least she made it on time." Grayson chuckles as he swings his left arm around my shoulders.

"You guys are rude." I wrap my right arm around Grayson's waist and we all begin walking into the large school building.

I honestly love all of my friends so much. They're like my family. But Grayson has always been extra special to me.

He's the first person out of our group that I met.

He and Ethan were moving into the same neighborhood as me the summer before we started third grade. Grayson was in my back yard hiding from his parents so he didn't have to help unpack and I got scared so I told my mom. When she came out to look, he was gone. Later that afternoon, as I was playing alone in my treehouse, he popped back up and apologized for scaring me.

I didn't have many friends due to the fact I was so introverted but thanks to Grayson and Ethan, they really pulled me out of my shell.

Now Lisa and Sean are like my second set of parents and Cameron is like the older sister I never had.

Grayson and Ethan, are easily known as Long Valley High's it boys. Both are stars of the football team– Grayson being the quarter back and Ethan as the wide receiver makes for the perfect duo. Not only that, but their success in academics are pretty impressive, too.

When we all arrive at our lockers, we compare our schedules. Being seniors, we only have a total of four classes.

First period: Economics with Camilla, Grayson, and Ethan.

Second period: AP Lit with Grayson.

Third period: Statistics with Camilla.

Fourth period: Physics with Grayson, Camilla, and Matt.

Economics flys by. Our teacher, Mrs. Frost, gave us our syllabus then talked about her kids the rest of the time.

Grayson and I say bye to Camilla and Ethan and head to our second period together.

"Sucks that we couldn't have just gotten that one other class together." Grayson says as we pass the other students in the hall. Some faces are familiar and some aren't.

"Yeah, sucks but probably a good thing. I need a break from you at some point, Gray." I joke.

He laughs then gives me a little nudge, "don't lie, you can never have enough of me."

"Right–"

"–Hey Grayson! How was your summer?" Some girl interrupts, stopping us in our tracks.

He looks over at me giving me a questioning look. I shrug my shoulders and he turns back to her, "Oh uh, it was great. Football practice kind of took it over though."

"Oh yeah! Can't wait to see what you and Ethan do this fall!" She rubs her hand down his bicep and I feel myself flench.

"Thanks!" He says, trying to be as friendly as possible to the girl neither of us know. "But hey, I gotta get to class. Nice talking to you!"

"Of course!" She begins to walk away but turns back towards us, "I'm Maya by the way. I'll see you around if like, you want to see me."

She winks and then she's gone. Grayson and I look at each other and laugh.

"What the hell does that even mean?" He questions as we walk into the classroom.

We both take a seat in the back beside each other. Every english class I've ever had since I met Grayson, we've had together. It's always been a thing and I've always helped him due to the fact it's a little more difficult to him.

"Good morning Seniors!" Our teacher, Miss Wilson, walks in as the bell rings. Miss Wilson also happens to be the cheerleading coach so I can already tell this class is going to be a breeze.

She introduces herself, goes over the syllabus with the class, then gives us the rest of class to mingle.

"Cameron just asked for You, Me, and Ethan to meet her at Perk's when we get done with school." Grayson says while looking down at his phone.

"Sounds good." I say while scrolling through instagram.

Although our group is close, Ethan, Grayson, and I are way closer. We hang out without Camilla and Matt a lot of the times but they don't seem to mind.  

Statistics goes by super slow as our teacher, Mrs. Abney, gives us actual work to complete. It's the first day of school and we're already being graded.

"Alright, ladies and boys, how's it going?" Mr. Bass, the Physics teacher, begins class. "This year is going to be easy, if you apply yourself. Now to begin, I want you to choose your lab partner. This is the partner you will have for the rest of the year. You will turn in assignments together, work together everyday, and be graded off of your teamwork."

I look around the room for Grayson. He didn't get a seat by me because he came in a little later than I did.

"Y/N, be my partner?" Camilla asks.

I feel a little caught off guard. Camilla knows Grayson is my go to. I finally find Grayson and he's already giving me a look. "Sorry C, I already told Gray I'd be his partner." I lie.

She rolls her eyes, grabs her bag, and walks over to Matt.

"She good?" Grayson asks as he sits at the table with me where Camilla was previously sitting.

"I think she's mad." I reply, resting my chin on the palm of my hand.

"I mean, I'd be mad at you too if I was stuck with Matt. He's great at football but he's as dumb as a bag of rocks."

I laugh and we both focus our attention to the front of the classroom.

The hour in Physics ends. Once the bell dismisses us, I gather my things and we all head to the student parking lot. I throw my book bag into the back seat of my Toyota 4Runner and hop in the drivers seat.

Camilla and Matt ask where we're going but once we tell her Cameron asked us to meet her, they don't say anything else.

I follow Ethan and Grayson to Perk's Diner. It's only about 3 miles away from the school so it doesn't take us long to reach the familiar building.

Cameron is already here. The three of us walk in and take a seat at the booth with her.

"Ok Y/N," Ethan starts before I can even say hello to Cameron, "if you don't want to do this, we will completely understand. But we really need your help–"

"–really, really need your help." Cameron cuts in.

"Ok, go on."

"So you know our friend Charlie, right?" Ethan questions. I slowly nod my head. Charlie is in the same class as Grayson, Ethan, and me. He was held back a year so he's technically a year older than us and a year younger than Cameron. He plays football with the twins and somehow managed to convince Cameron to date him for two years.

"Well, he cheated on me. Guess that's what I get dating a younger guy."

I give her a sympathetic look, but before I can give her the 'you-deserve-better-than-that' speech, I'm cut off by Ethan. "I could kill the guy. And that's exactly what we're gonna do." I look at Grayson, to Ethan, then to Cameron with wide eyes.

"Not literally!" Cameron reassures me, "Just, emotionally."

"Ok, so how exactly do I fit into that?"

They all give each other looks. Cameron and Ethan both nod to Grayson, as if they're giving him permission to speak, so he takes the floor. "After Cam found out he cheated on her, she immediately ended things between the two of them. Well, us being the great siblings we are, we knew we needed to give him a taste of his own medicine. Ethan and I decided to pretend to still be friends with him, because that opens a door of numerous opportunities."

"So basically keep your friends close but your enemies closer?" I question.

"Exactly," Grayson continues, "so he came up to me this morning during third period and asked me to give him details about one of my friends. That friend being none other than you, Y/F/N." He looks down at me with his beautiful, hazel eyes and the butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter. "That's when it hit me, instead of giving him a taste of his own medicine, why don't we take it even further?"

"You have to make him fall in love with you, Y/N!" Cameron exclaims. "Then break his puny heart... assuming he has one." I feel hesitant at first, looking down at my chipped nail polish. As much as I want nothing to do with the drama, I couldn't bring myself to say no.

I couldn't say no to the girl who was basically like another big sister to me.

"Fine," I finally sigh, "I'm in."

They all let out a breath simultaneously and I receive thank you smiles from them all. Grayson drapes his arm around me and pulls me into a side hug.

"The other two girls who he cheated on me with are in on the plan, too." Cameron begins, "They're meeting at our house after school so can you be there around three?"

"Yeah! I'll be there."

[frankchurchillsaysrelax]

christine i’m ready — hit me with your jtmd headcanons pls

hokay let’s start with our three scorned lovers shall we?

maya is the artsy girl, she’s always painting or sketching or putting together a performance piece. she is also the main dj for the school radio station. everyone knows who she is. most people like her. she fell for lucas’ charms after the third time her faculty advisor made her interview him on her show. a few easy smiles and she was disgusted by how quickly she agreed to go out with him. she never had any misconceptions about the seriousness of what they were doing but she sure as hell had no idea he was seeing anybody else. she is out to show lucas that nobody pulls one over on maya hart.

farkle and lucas have actually been friends for a few years before anything romantic ever happened. the kind of friends that didn’t spend time together outside of school but always stopped to talk at parties and chose to work together on class projects. lucas helped farkle with his campaign for student body president and farkle is not ashamed to admit that he won almost entirely because of his endorsement. while lucas is out, farkle has spent the last few years struggling to identify his sexuality. farkle likes labels and he has no plans to put one on himself until he’s done his research. then lucas offers to kiss him and turning that down seems stupid, which farkle is not. the first time he says anything out loud about his feelings is after he finds out about maya and izzy. farkle is the most heartbroken over the discovery.

izzy is a genius. the only reason she’s at this academically inferior school is to experience genuine social connections with her peers. it doesn’t go exactly the way she hopes. for all her pragmatism, izzy is a hopeless romantic. cheesy movies have taught her that more than friendly feelings are a natural progression from the shy smart girl tutoring the aesthetically pleasing jock, so she welcomes the flirting lucas throws her way whenever they meet to go over his trigonometry notes. they have only been on two official dates when the three of them discover lucas’ infidelity. she is hurt of course, but it is easier for her to compartmentalize her feelings in favor of teaching him a lesson.

now for some fun parallels to the movie!

in place of a boat, lucas owns a horse and thinks taking riley riding will impress her. instead, the horse spooks and takes off at a gallop, almost flinging riley off of the saddle and taking them out of range from the others’ surveillance equipment. they sit under a tree as they recover from the excitement and have a heart to heart.

farkle gets riley transferred into lucas’ chemistry class and she has a feeling he paid off a few people in order to get lab partners switched around until she is paired up with lucas.

cory is chaperoning the school trip where the panties incident goes down. i’ll let you imagine how that plays out.

zay is, of course, lucas’ best friend and probably the only person who knows the extent of lucas’ philandering or understands the reasoning behind his actions. he has the sweetness of scott and the playfulness of tommy. he and riley have some fun conversations because zay will always have lucas’ back.

i can see some scenes very clearly in my head

lucas gets a chance to talk to each of his exes individually and apologize. farkle’s is pretty tearful. iz ends up psychoanalyzing him for about 20 minutes. maya watches him squirm for a while before telling him he’s forgiven. she also tells him he’s being watched and if he does anything to hurt riley they won’t hesitate to come after him again.

post panties incident, lucas is somehow invited to the matthews home for dinner even though that is not part of the plan. riley bans them from interfering around her family but all three of them try to sneak into her house anyway. maya ends up trapped under auggie’s bed while the kid practices his scales for half an hour. farkle gets stuck in a window. izzy panics and drives off leaving the others behind.

[lullaandby]

sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short. 

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

 a  treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy. 

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone 

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation. 

"These guys are no good.

 Nah. Not like how they used to be. 

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior. 

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad. 

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

 Dad. We're done here. 

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold. 

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net 

there’s a photo of your neighbor, 

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year. 

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys. 

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts 

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Or 

Corninthians and just put in random numbers. 

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away. 

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese 

Do it out 

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out 

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

 they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

*

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set. 

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything 

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential. 

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl. 

Who was just one two many break ups deep. 

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny. 

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one. 

*

STORY- ME

*

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE. 

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office 

Keep talking about going to sweet greens 

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are 

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives 

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness. 

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething. 

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION. 

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation 

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS 

Jessica simpson? 

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it 

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane. 

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off. 

MOTHER SHAME. 

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage 

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except 

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack. 

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah. 

Just do it out. Oprah. 

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family 

Who came before them

As precious moments statues. 

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load 

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science. 

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS 

[daydreamsandwikiwalks]

Thank you for the tag! @sparklingpidge

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Raspberry tea  2. Phone call: My sister :) 3. Text message: To my sisters I think.  We send each other silly stuff every now and then.   4. Song you listened to: “Hallelujah” by Pentatonix 5. Time you cried: Lol I cry all the time.  I actually cried a few minutes ago watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pd1byTNi7YY 

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: No, I’ve actually never “dated” anyone: I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with someone, and I was briefly involved with someone else, but I’ve never actually had a boyfriend/relationship.   7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I used to: The first (and only) person that I kissed broke my heart.  For a while I was angry at him and at myself, but now I’ve come to peace with everything that happened between us.  Even though we never got together, I’m thankful that I still have him as a friend and that I shared that experience with him.   8. Been cheated on: No. I’ve never dated anyone so I’ve never been cheated on. 9. Lost someone special: Yes.  I’ve lost many people that I care about over the years.  I hope they’re in a better place.  10. Been depressed: Yeah. I’ve been diagnosed with Clinical Depression/Major Depressive Disorder.  I’m getting treatment for it now, but I still have my bad days.   11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nah.  I actually don’t really drink for religious  and personal reasons.  Also, I don’t really like the taste of alcohol.  :P  

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: pink, yellow, and purple :)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yeah, definitely! :)   16. Fallen out of love: I haven’t fallen out of love with a person, per say, but I have fallen out of love with things I used to like.   17. Laughed until you cried: Lol Every day almost! :) Just like I cry easily, I also laugh very easily, and I’m lucky enough to have a coworker (and sisters!) who always keeps me in stitches!   18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah   19. Met someone who changed you: Not necessarily, but I have met people this year that have encouraged me to try new things and have shown me different perspectives on life.   20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, but in a good way.  I found out that more people love me and care for me than I thought. :)  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No.  I haven’t kissed anybody recently. 

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Almost all of them.  They’re mostly just classmates, coworkers, and family.  23. Do you have any pets: Yes! I love animals! I have two cats and a dog.   24. Do you want to change your name: Not really.  I love my name, but sometimes people mispronounce it.  (It’s Alysia btw)  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: My last birthday was actually a couple of weeks ago (June 30th), and I went out of town with my family to visit my sister in New York.   26. What time did you wake up: 7 am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching Hamilton. (a recording not the real deal.  I ain’t ballin’ like that)   28. Name something you can’t wait for: Going back to medical school (I’m taking a break right now to deal with my depression) and Voltron Season 3! :)   29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Like 5 minutes ago, lol 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I were more confident and that I didn’t care so much about what people think of me.  31. What are you listening to right now: “Walking the Wire” by Imagine Dragons 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I’ve talked to a person named Thomas.  Does that count? :) 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Some of the discourse in the Voltron fandom and the behavior of some of the fans.   34. Most visited Website: Tumblr and YouTube probably.  

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: I have one on my right shoulder.   36. Mark/s: I have a small birthmark on my lip.   37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a teacher like my grandmother and my dad, or a famous poet/writer like my heroes Maya Angelou and J.K. Rowling. :)   38. Haircolor: Dark brown 39. Long or short hair: My hair’s medium length. (It goes just past my shoulders) 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes, but they’re halfway across the country.   41. What do you like about yourself: I always try to be kind to others.   42. Piercings: Two, my ears 43. Bloodtype: A positive, I believe 44. Nickname: In college, my friends used to call me Little Bee. :)  My family calls me Lisa, Leisha or Leela Bee.   45. Relationship status: Single, but not quite ready to mingle.  46. Zodiac: Cancer  47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Voltron: Legendary Defender, Steven Universe, and American Horror Story 49. Tattoos: None 50. Right or left hand: Righty tighty! :) 51. Surgery: Nada 52. Hair dyed in different color: No, but I always wanted to dye part of my hair pink. :) (I’m just not brave enough to do it.)  53. Sport: Soccer or Tennis  54. (question wasn’t here) 55. Vacation: My family always goes to Savannah to visit family.  One day, though, I’d like to take a trip to Hawaii or somewhere in the Caribbean.    56. Pair of trainers: Yes, but ‘round these parts we call ‘em tennis shoes. ;) 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I’m not picky.  I’ll eat anything as long as it’s not organ meats. :|  58. Drinking: Trying to drink more water.  59. I’m about to: Take a shower. 62. Want: To be happy and content.  To be more accepting of myself.   63. Get married: Hopefully some day. :) 64. Career: I want to be either a pediatrician, like my mentor, or a psychiatrist.   

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs! 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Taller, but honestly, everybody’s taller than me.   68. Older or younger: Older.  I tend to get along well with people who are a little older than me.  I also find that I’m attracted to guys who are older: Of the two guys that I’ve been involved with, one was 10 years my senior and the other was about 8 years my senior.    70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms all the way.  They’re good for giving good hugs. :) 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: I’m old fashioned, give me a relationship. I don’t understand this hook-up culture of the youths. :)   73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I think it depends.  While in some situations it is good to exercise caution, in other instances you need a “troublemaker” to stir things up and bring about change.  

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Somebody’s baby kissed me.  Does that count as a stranger?                                                                                                            

75. Drank hard liquor: Nah.  I don’t really like the taste of alcohol.                 

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Lol I actually broke my glasses and I lose my contact lenses all the time.  I’m a mess.

77. Turned someone down: Yeah.  I went on a few dates with an older guy from my church a few years back.  At the time I was 19 going on 20 and he was around 29.  He was ready to get married and I wasn’t. (I still wanted to finish college and go on to medical school.)  In so many words, I told him that I didn’t think we should continue to date because I didn’t see myself getting married anytime soon. (and I knew that was his purpose for dating, at the time) I didn’t want to lead him on or waste his time.  

78. Sex on the first date: No.  I’m actually celibate for religious and personal reasons.   79. Broken someone’s heart: *See 77* Even though we remained friends afterwards, I worry and still feel guilty that I may have broken his heart. I do hope that he finds someone special.  He’s a really good guy.   80. Had your heart broken: Yeah.  But going through the above scenario in 77 and 79 helped me to come to terms with my own heart break.   81. Been arrested: No.   82. Cried when someone died: Every time.  83. Fallen for a friend: I don’t know.  I really care about my best friend and she’s like a sister to me.  I love her (we even call each other “my love”/she calls me “habibi”), but I don’t know if I’m in love with her.  

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Not as much as I should.  85. Miracles: Yes 86. Love at first sight: I’m not sure.  It’s never happened to me, but it could be possible.  I tend to see love as something that builds over time, however.   87. Santa Claus: Nah.   88. Kiss on the first date: If I know the person and I like them well enough, then yeah.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: Norah, Karen and my sister Jennifer! :) 

91. Eyecolor: Dark Brown

92. Favorite movie: The Color Purple 

tagging: @smolsarcasticraspberry​, @littlespacestars​, @breezycheezyart​, @allurahimesama​, @leandrawwz​, @aflyawaykindaday​, @aquaburst07​, @immaculate-messes​, @momolady​, @lovinglifeandallitsflaws​, @tokyojihens​, @takashixshiroganes​, @eryth-blue​, @cheif-kieph​, @that-bookish-nephilim​, @mandomorp​, @pidgeonlance​, @theawkwardkat​, @illusionarydragons​, @bi-the-bookworm​ 

[lullaandby]

SU

2.         

*

SECTION C.

 JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

a treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

  Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

 The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

 Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

 What am I going to do- tell someone

 "hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

 He thought about it some more and came back with-

 ["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

 That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

 "These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

  Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

  So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

 Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

 Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

  Then he goes " HEY Jo"

 That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

 What Dad.

 "Are you a lesbian?"

 No Dad.

 "ok well I want you to know it's ok."

 thanks.

 "well.... do you know what they do?"

 who?

 "The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

  Dad. We're done here.

  ST HORROR

 Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

 Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

 Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

 And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

 Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

 And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

 No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

  Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

 Just bleeding profusely.

 And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

 No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

 It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

 FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

 It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

  Really the church needs a revamp.

 Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

 Watch pews fill up.

   GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

 The he…

 Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

 It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

 It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

 But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

 Dueternonmy

Or

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

 And they walk away.

  OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

 Some like weird cheese

Do it out

  BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

 How did they have hoes in the Bible?

  I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

 And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

 Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

  *

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

 LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

 Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

 Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

  LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

 This is essential.

 Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

 There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

 Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

 Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

 That’s day one.

  *

STORY- ME

   *

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

  The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

  They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

 THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

  BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

 They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

 Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

 COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

 MONGOOSE.

  VALIDATION STATION.

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

 Jessica simpson?

  Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

 When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

 They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

 Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

 When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

   THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

   It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

 There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

 MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

  DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

 But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

  Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

  MOTHER SHAME.

     JENNER WORLD

 Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

 (Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

 end on marriage

  The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

 Except

  Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

 Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

 The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

  But who is the influencer of the influencers?

 Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

 Just do it out. Oprah.

 And she doesn’t even have instagram.

 And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

 So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

    PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

 Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

 And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

 Just our old friend science.

 ****

 JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

     *****

SECTION D.

 KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

 All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

 Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

 Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

    GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

 Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You  to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

     *

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

 That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

  *

  BJs WHOLESALE

  FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

 You’ll have

infinite  protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

 Poetry.

      POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

  I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

  PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

 "I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

  DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

 WHY WE KILL THEM

 Let him live.

 Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

 Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

       WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

  How men don’t listen

 How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

 My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

 He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

 OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

 How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

   PHD. /// BOB

 MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

 But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

  MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

 You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

 Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

 So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

 When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

 You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

 DAVIDS BIRDAL

 BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out  because couples lie

 S-  CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

  Black Lab

 Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

    *****

SECTION F

 OVERSHARE****

 METH NANNY pt2.  20 seconds

My  go to overshare detail

 Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

 Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

 They'll go-

 "ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened?  {really dramtic sad face}

 did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

 it that what you did?

 well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

     TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

 The guy  in the office who does barely any work,  

 yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

 He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

 BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

  ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

 In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

 But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

  ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

 which is strange.

 I've never stayed in a job past a year.

 So Historically  I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

    Stories- work

 *******

 ****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

  FRIENDS (material. )

 AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational  FB posts turn into daily ones.

 I called up one of my best friends  after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

 How did you know? She said.

  If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic  copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

  FRIEND BREAK UPS

  TRUE FEMINISM

  QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

 My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos  and said, "oh my God.

 Isn't he soooo hot?"

 I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

 and that’s Nasty Caroline.

 And she said, " I know. I know-

 {caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you.  Keep building that tower."

 We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

 That’s not one of them.

  Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

 Twerking on a case by case basis.

  SECTION G

MOCHA

 OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person  stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

 It feels incredible.

 Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

 Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

 for an empty ketchup bottle.

 And you realize just they're working out a wide array of  anger management issues.

 Not really. on. my team.

 CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

 Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

 To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

 ah-  but you had a whole craft bin.

 I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

 A hat with a pom pom?

 Story- affirmative action

   ****

SECTION H.

 DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means  parents periodically send me unsolicited  snapshots of their little cuties.

 Which- is the same as a dick pic.

 That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

 DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

 Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

 Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

    Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

 Perhaps it’s because my personality is  it’s own restraining order.

 I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

 I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

 In my twenties.

 But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

 And it all makes sense

 DATING

  Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

   BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

 Ladies  have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

 Take body maintenance.

 My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

 including.  her butthole.

 Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

  It's a welcome statement.

 NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

 I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

 You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.  

 That's the aesthetic I desire.

 A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

 It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

 It's doable.

 Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

 BB tag. Dinner party.

 ***

 2.        CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3.        Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

4.         

5.        “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

6.         

7.        Boys are always selling

8.        At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

   SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

  If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

 Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

  SECTION I

 2.        ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3.        Brother is a nerd

4.         

5.        NERDS

6.         

7.        Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

8.         

9.         

10.     Put you down for not knowing things

11.     Ask about things they know you don’t know

12.     Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13.     Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.      

15.      

16.     They don’t value.

17.     Having athletic ability

18.     Knowing about pop culture

19.     Being able to socialize

20.     Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21.     Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22.     Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.      

24.      

25.     Things they do.

26.     Being lauded for smart achievements

27.     Knowing things in their field

28.     Knowing niche culture things

29.     Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.      

31.      

32.     Things they get pissed off on.

33.     If you don’t validate their knowledge

34.     Making fun in anyway way

35.      

36.      

37.     The kardashians of education.

38.     Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.      

40.      

41.     Reformed

42.     Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.      

44.     Double down

45.     Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46.     Like doughnuts

47.      

48.     Dabbling

49.     Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.      

51.     Professor

52.     Debates and bows out when they loose

  (The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)