#my health hasnt really improved

[hmsmilkbone]

I am going to make bread tonight. It ferments, and then I cook it tomorrow. there shall be butter and temporary peace on earth in my corner of life.

[itsbebebrainrotting]

Fuck it, blocking the qadmin situation tag for my own mental health.

I feel really bad for all the admins who got mistreated and the fact that it happened in the first place does piss me the fuck off.

But I want things to get better. I hope they will get better. I trust that they will get better.

Quackity doesnt seem like a malicious guy, nor a dumb guy and hasnt throughout this whole thing so I have faith in him to be working on improvents the best he can (plus everything pierre said sounded really promising). The lack of communication sucks but i want to live in my potentially naive world where hes not communicating everything to every relevant party for good reason.

Hearing the dissenting opinion and seeing some people so sure quackity is handling this poorly is just stressing me out when i really just want to wait and see if the qsmp as a server lives or dies and use that to judge quackitys actions (and the server will not live if quackity never makes good changes cuz the union will sue him or some creators will probably be mad at him and stop playing (eg the french if pommes admin gets fired), as a reminder).

And yes, i will buy the egg merch because whether we know the money goes to paying the admins or not, quackity has implied very clearly that the qsmp needs money to keep functioning (especially since they need to pay their admins) and if it isnt clear i want the server to keep going because i like it and all the silly ccs and admins on it. Also, babies.

[coloursofaparadox]

i am very very proud of my chronic fatigued ass slowly building up to an average of like 15-20k steps or like. 3x 1.5 hour hikes/dog walks a week over the last few months. part of my whole messed up body shtick (P.O.T.S.) means one of the best ways to reduce the impact is to exercise, with the fun catch 22 of it makes DOING that exercise feel much, much, much worse 🙃 but now that im finally on a combo of meds that more or less works for both physical and mental health, ive been really really enjoying getting outside and doing things with my dog, even despite feeling like shit a lot of the time lmao. over the last like....4 months? I've slowly built up from the bare minimum for him (slow half hour walk 3x a week + off leash time where I can more or less stand still) to now where we go on a medium intensity hike almost every week, plus 1.5hr walks to the local community centre park to weave our way through and find fun little obstacles to do agility on, and run around in the field.

and it hasnt been easy!! like the half hour walks at the beginning were really, really iffy a lot of the time on whether or not i felt like just sitting tf down and giving up at some point. but im finally where i need to be w/ mental health and meds where i can keep slowly improving and not do a massive burnout backslide, in very large part due to figuring out how to eat intuitively in a way that works for me for the fuckin first time in my life, and managing to actually eat consistently enough that i have energy throughout the day. unless i go a bit too hard and get hit with the Super Fun Post-Exertional Malaise, I think I've actually been consistent with this level of activity for a while now.

anyways i am proud of me even tho i did it mostly for Lucas's sake. he is so, so much happier and more content now that he's getting enough exercise and going out to do new things with me. on my end i am very very happy that i can walk that long and go on hikes and feel good after, even tho I'm not totally confident yet on how much it helps day-to-day with POTS stuff like standing too long, etc. I feel better though with daily stuff like grocery store trips and standing in line. same with some household chores that always used to really spike symptoms.

anyways. being gaslit by doctors and passing out on a skytrain at 16 -> diagnosed, properly medicated and eating healthily pipeline only took 12 years and a dog i would die for 🤝 lets go me

[manie-sans-delire-x]

I've ADHD and other problems. Changed multiple jobs. I'm interested in research but don't want to do a Ph.D. Maximum I can do a master's but I honestly don't know if I can complete it. I am not interested in studying for so long but a bachelor's is a waste of time If you don't want to study more in the psych field. But you can go to other fields.

Since I've mental health problems, I don't think I can see others, or listen to their problems. Don't have patience but sure it can come with time. But really nope. I don't wanna treat patients.

I/O, perhaps but you need masters. I'm pretty much tired and from what I've read although there are jobs in I/O, people are still unemployed

Developmental, cognitive, and behavioral sounds interesting and you can go to research but a Ph.D. is needed.

Oh I see. Dont take this to be passive aggressive or implied as a negative thing, but is autism or schizophrenia one of them?

Ive job hopped a lot as well, and definitely relate to your situation, quite a lot actually, Ive been thinking about and considering similar things.

Well you dont have to do a masters program right away. You might not get accepted the first few times anyways- a lot of the successful applicants already have a masters and are going for a second. Its kinda unfair imo, but I suppose it means you just have to be that good to compete. I think that especially for mentally ill people in psych, you have to be in a good enough place in your life to be able to do the work long term, or complete a degree. Thats not always now.

I have a friend who made it, graduated with her masters, now opening her own clinic and giving therapy sessions independently. I have another friend who hasnt made it in yet, despite being very intelligent and good at school. Im sure she will though.

I wouldnt say a bachelors is a waste of time, not at all. Especially if you want to work directly with clients. Even if you dont, education is never a waste of time. I would say going to college was one of the best things in my life. Whether or not its financially worth it these days, is another matter and I think depends on the individuals circumstances, personality, and goals. Also, having a degree in anything improves your chances of getting most jobs, and psych is applicable to a wide range of jobs. Everything involves people.

You could always try it for a few months if you dont know what else to do. It may surprise you. But yeah, I mean, its psych. Its going to be very difficult to work in the field while avoiding people. Academics and research would be the most promising in terms of minimizing all that, but like you said, you need a doctorate.

Let me ask you this, why do you want to work in psych at all? It could still be part of your life, without being your profession.

[bishiglomper]

Second time seeing my new GP. Saw my lab results last night so i thought i was gonna get the third degree about my eating habits... But she said everything had actually slightly improved since last time. Except my A1C. That was bumped up to 7.0. Which is.. okay. 👀💧

Told her I think the ozempic was giving me a major sweet tooth and its made eating meat hard. And sissy mentioned my stabbing tummy. But that hasnt happened in a few days.

But she was about to stop the ozempic because stabbing in the left side and intolerance to meat means gastroperesis. Which would be bad. I explained my thing with meat was more of an autistic burnout feeling, not that it hurt my tummy.. So I get to keep it. For now. 👀

I'm only 5lbs away from the weight i decided i would be happy with. Like lemme have that, yeah? 😅

She wants to take me off some meds. She said looking at my med list made her nauseous. Ive been on half of those for over a decade so a revamp is overdue. Especially since now im on 2 blood pressure pills and its starting to run a little low..

And FINALLY

A doctor whos wants communication from my other doctors. And not just to send me away to them to have them deal with me.

I have to sign 5 release forms so she can see what all the specialists have done so she can make informed changes. Like my diabetic meds are broken up between 3 docs, none of which were really from endocrinology lmao

Also i told her i hated cardiology and that they were useless. So once she gets those records we said she could play with my heart all she wants. Maybe since she'll have a full picture she wont just tell me to exercise my tachycardia away. 🙄

I also got a flu shot and my depo. So yay.

I had to do the mental health assessment. My sister was with me. That was kind of funny. She had opinions. 😅

Its hard to answer things like that because i am depressed and anxious, but about very specific things. 🤔 like my dysfunctional body. And the house.

In other news, I really need to do laundry. I wore this new bra i had picked up at a thrift store. I thought it was a sports bra, but now im thinking it might be some kind of compression top.

Its very comfy. I like it. Might live in it. 🤔

Normally i wouldn't want to squish my boobs but as long as it doesnt make my gut stand out, i really dont care if i dont have boobs. 🙃

[gtzgoblin]

Guys the message here is so important.

If you ask anyone in my family they'll tell you about when I was "thin" or "thinner" or "before I put on all of this weight" or whatever.

Y'know why I was thin? Because my insulin, the medication I need to live, wasn't working right. My diabetes was terribly controlled. I wasn't testing because of the anxiety that came with that, I was going to the hospital once a year and they'd basically go "ah well". My Lantus wasn't working for me like it should, it was wearing off too early, but all people did was increase it, leading to really dangerous nighttime hypos but still with a really high hba1c. But they didn't believe me about the hypos at the hospital because of the hba1c, either.

I switched hospitals and went on an insulin pump once I gathered myself enough to realise I was basically dying and pretty rapidly started to gain weight because I was able to utilise my food rather than have it go straight through me with a side of acid blood. And yknow what a VERY CLOSE member of my family said to me? "That insulin pump is doing you no good, look how much weight you've put on."

Because thin = healthy, right? At least in my family's minds. And they had no idea, and no intention of trying to understand, why my weight was changing and how that related to my health.

Back when I was "thin" I had protein in my urine and developed background retinopathy that STILL HASNT CLEARED OVER 10 YEARS LATER. I had a hypo so bad overnight that I almost didn't wake up. I had no energy and couldn't focus at university (re-sit central) and got so many chest infections I was diagnosed with asthma (I don't have asthma!).

But I was thin.

I am healthier now than I was, even though I've gained a significant amount of weight. I'd like to lose some, I'd like to be healthier. But I was not healthy then, I was barely surviving. To hold that over me is essentially saying I preferred you when you were almost dead because aesthetically, the bones were more pleasing than a bit of a belly. What kind of a message does that give? I'll tell ya: how you look to others is more important than your life.

It. Absolutely. Isn't.

If I'd listened to my family and given back my insulin pump I'd be on 5+ injections per day, with a higher hba1c and far less ability to correct bad blood sugars with a much lower quality of life. Would I be thinner? Who even knows. I left early adulthood and aged like everyone else does. Half of my family (on the side of the main commenter) are overweight. How do I know it isn't genetics? Why are we blaming the medicine and medical technology that keeps me alive for the weight gain and not any number of other things that could be causing it.

Please be careful what you say and how you view others. Even celebrities, because they are people too and they don't deserve to be scrutinised just because they're in the public eye. And we certainly don't deserve to know every single thing about their lives in order to make an informed decision about something as dumb as their recent weight change. But your comment could be the one to tip the scales. And even if they're "wrong" (whatever that means) about their healthy, calling them out won't change that, it just adds to the pressure that might have caused it in the first place and this is what leads to poor self esteem, eating disorders and all sorts of other issues.

People get ill physically and mentally, people experience grief, people experience depression. People go through times where they can't afford food, or the right food. People have to care for others or put things above themselves. People need medication to save (or drastically improve) their lives.

Everyone's healthy isn't the same, and what might seem unhealthy to you could have a reason behind it that's difficult for that person to change/may be deeply upsetting for that person. I've spent years dealing with negative body image and I genuinely think even if I lost a load of weight again (healthily or unhealthily) I'd still find something else to be upset about because it's almost been conditioned in by people who have constantly had an opinion, and felt a right to share that opinion with me, about things I can't really help (my natural hair colour, my teeth, my weight, my bloody glucose sensor at my wedding was an issue for some people because it might dare to show in the photos!)

And anyone who is in this situation rn please be kind to yourselves too. Weight isn't everything. Living with this shit is really difficult, and you're doing great.

[darkestbones]

How is it that i want to die more than i have inyears AFTER starting this stupid mental health journey

Home conditions haven’t helped but even THESe

Yeah everyone is broke as hell but theres basically no fighting. Financial stress hasnt driven us all to rage like it used to. Massive improvement

Every now and then my parent calls me pretty which is cool

My best friend… well, the only best friend i have left calls me and talks to be regularly. I would probably have already fucked off without her

I have

Plenty of time to myself

And im actually using it to do things MY SELF unlike previous years where all i could do was sleep and listen to music and run everyones errands

Retired errand girl seeks relief from the pain of existence

How could i possibly take care of anyone or anything in this state

All i can say is that my 19 year old self would be amazed and and elated to be in this life.

I even have the body i always wanted

….i even have the body ive always wanted

And yet. The feeling persists

Just write. Don’t act.

I thought i was done feeling like this.

But no. Im just more functional than i have ever been and still feeling like this

One day when they unlock my phone it will become apparent just how insane i am

I need to get my priorities right

I need to refocus my attention

Redo the stupid fucking brain pathways

Make choices that encourage happiness

Im losing everyone ive ever loved and i really want to die about it so they all feel bad

Narcissistic i know

[thetruthblogger]

i believe no on actually reads this cause i have decided to confess my raw thoughts here.

so things have a rough for the last few days. we had our freshers dance last saturday and it was a blast. the dance was the only thing in my mind since december and since the semester began, there has been practices till night which kept me fully occupied all the time, mentally and physically. to be honest i loved the feeling of it. practicing all the day, pushing myself everyday and actually feel like i was improving.

so last saturday was the day and we won the freshers group dance. and after that... i dk. its been a bit dry. i feel like my mental health has been kinda dropping lately. i m not sure. havent really talked to helen in more than a week except a few words like hey, hello, bye.

and i d k. even thought i tell myself she's no longer an integral part of my life, it's hard ig. i was fine for the last month but now i have time to think and that hasnt been great.

u c the thing is, helen has been my best friend for about 20 months or nearly 2 years. aaand i always knew i wasn't her bestfriend. it hurts sometimes but i was fine with it cause i used to think i was like maybe the second or third best uk. but since college has been i have realised that i was wrong. i m not her best friend and that is it. there's no ranking system or anything.

i know a lot about her and she know a lot about her and we are close friends. that is the end of it. i have been ok and alright with this but now it feels it like i was ok with it only because i didn't any time to think abt it.

i feel like a moth falling one of its wings crumbled to dust; spiraling in circles towards a campfire, blazing red orange flames; a band of vibrant youth around the flame, dancing singing, and crying, living the life they are ought to. the moth falls deep into the fire. the youth keep on living.

[dewprisms]

Thinking about the past and year n stuff before i go to bed (i never cared for staying up)

gonna put this under a readmore bc it came out more negative than i was expecting...

thinking back to the past year, we got the kittens fixed, i got more hours at work, got to see some siblings again, got to see my other nephew again, got rly lucky with pulls in Po Ma E X throughout the year...

idk what else was good though. didnt do any drawing practice, didnt work on my fic, didnt finish work on the character doc, started on the ruesid ref but didnt finish, stuff in the house keeps breaking, havent seen a doctor yet (its been like a decade), havent seen a therapist yet, the only new game i played was totk and pkmn sleep even tho i bought some more, actually barely played much games at all this year, failed to practice good hygiene habits, failed to lose weight, i actually gained even more than when i lost it 3 years ago and i still didnt get skinny at all back then, and actually i think my health has gotten worse because im even MORE tired than before all the time and my feet hurt a lot too, wasted money on a gym membership cause after august i stopped having the energy after work to go, and with it being cold out with no car idk how ill do it in the slow months (aka jan and feb), failed to talk to ppl more, failed to do anything good with the group chat because my memory is so shit that i just forget, my acne seems to have gotten worse, i keep falling behind bad at work (and it doesnt help that we cant keep ppl for more than a week but thats the company's fault but it still falls on the rest of us to pick up the slack), keep feeling like a burden at work and unintentionally getting on ppls nerves, plus the state of the world has also gotten more shit, and it doesnt look like itll be improving any time soon...

idk it just hasnt been that good and idk what to look forward to anymore. not even xbgr in k h 4. im so fucking lonely and i feel both my physical health and mental health deteriorating and theres nothing i can really do except watch it happen from behind these eyes that constantly question if reality is really real or not. ive been wanting to cry for the past like 5 months and i dont know what the fuck to do anymore, i dont have the energy for shit

🎉🎉wooooo!! 🎉🎉🥳🥳🎈

[furballfaggot]

!! surprise motherfucker

tumblr sure does Notify Me Of Things! you already know a bit about this one but im telling you about him anyways bc I Need to talk about him. soery. no art bc i havent drawn him in like 2 years (i really need to though augh)

general details: Antiander Hapheles, he/xe, born to parents i havent named yet and older brother to sister i also havent named yet. im very good at what i do. pansexual, genderqueer, and autism + adhd. because i project them onto like all of my characters. likes squids and the ocean, sewing, and rollercoasters

tws for domestic abuse, murder, and suicide

Antiander Hapheles (he/xe) is a lust demon who works at Cerberus Law as a defense attorney. originally born as a normal human named Jared Montagna, Tian was a frequent partier who hooked up with various people while xe was alive. sometimes these would just be hookups, sometimes theyd be short-lived relationships. it was never really possible to tell beforehand what it would become, but they really only ever lasted a few months at most (usually due to the other person losing interest, since most people he got together with were also frequent partygoers who were pretty much the same as xem)

all of that changed, however, when he met a woman named Alicia (she/her) at a party -- and not for the better. while jared was genuinely in love with her for at least a while, she seemed to only treat him as a punching bag for her needs. she abused him frequently, cheated on him several times -- they had previously agreed on a closed relationship, but she insisted on making it an open one after her first few affairs -- and got silently jealous and far more controlling when xe spent any quality time with anyone but her. they would go to parties together, but as time went on Alicia started to isolate him more and more even while out and about with her. eventually jared slept with someone at a party against her wishes, which spun out of control once she found out and ultimately resulted in her committing murder-suicide and very violently ending their 9-month relationship. i know this doesnt sound like a very human villain but theres only so much condensing that can be done to at least 2 years worth of established backstory before you lose some depth

as a murder victim, jared was given a new name when entering hell and thus became antiander hapheles. at first he was cautious of everything and everyone (youd be paranoid too if your horrendous now-ex girlfriend literally backstabbed you in your sleep) but eventually fell back into xyr partying and hookups. all of that changed, however, when he met a woman named Sontorelle at a party. this was alicia, who manipulated, gaslighted, and blackmailed him into entering another relationship with her. this succeeded, partially because antiander was Very Drunk, and thus their relationship continued for about another year. during this time, tian got a job at cerberus law and eventually started making friends and connections. sontorelle had no idea xe had a job, since 9 times out of 10 she was out with someone else or otherwise ignoring what her victim was doing, but after a while Antiander started spending time with his new friends Azariah (they/them) and Velnoir (she/they) outside of work which she caught onto right away. the duo, meanwhile, quickly noticed the scarring and bruising all along tian's body and began to check in with xem on the regular. eventually antiander finally gathered enough strength and confidence to break free of sontorelles clutches and got a restraining order, as well as reporting the long history of abuse xe had endured. to his knowledge the courts didnt give her a very long sentence, so shes very likely still out there, but by now its been a good few years and she hasnt given xem any trouble. antianders mental health since then has greatly improved, though xe struggles with cptsd from his abuse

[messenger-of-stupidity]

IRL Rant

I just really need to put this somewhere.

Edit: I've decided to just put all my future rants here so I'm not a downer on people's dashboards whatever.

CW: Cursing, ranting, mentions of depression symptoms (nothing to heavy, but I do bring it up.)

Rant 2: social anxiety

Okay to start off, it’s not really important or needed as to why I’m taking the class. All that’s important is that I am.

The fucking thing is called Health Sciences. Which sounds cool, right? It’s “Health science is an interdisciplinary field that involves the application of science to health-related topics, such as medicine, nutrition, and environmental health. It involves applying scientific research to clinical practice, in effort to improve healthcare for patients and communities.” (Which I had to google to find out, but we’ll get to that.)

It’s a term long class, which is nice so I can fit other classes for my major in during this year and not have my brain scrambled with information. 

The problem with the class, is the prof. There’s not a lot of students in the class for whatever reason (maybe they know the the horrible tale of it.) so it’s a fairly small class. Which has lead the prof into thinking she needs to get to know us. Spoiler alert, she doesn’t. It’s not needed, especially since I’ll only be seeing her for a short period. But this has lead to a week long full of introductory things. And these stupid things are what I expect of middle school or some shit. She had us literally make a post-it note with 2 truths and 1 lie, but with our medical history. Because it’s “health sciences related”. It’s so stupid. But hey, if she wants to carry these home to figure out in her free time, be my guest. But my medical history is just that. Mine. Private. But it’s, guess what? A GRADED ACTIVITY! Which idek if she’s allowed to do that. I would talk to my advisor about it, but I’m not that confrontational.

And I know if there’s a problem and I don’t do anything to solve it, I only have myself to blame. But it’s a term long class. I thought if I can sit through it for a term I’ll be fine. I’ll get the required class for my major done and over with and then I can just move the fuck on.

And I’m still going to do that. 

But then there’s the latest assignment. She wants a presentation about who and what motivates us. It’s not health related. Not in the slightest. What the fuck is this shit? I don’t want to do it, but once again... ITS FUCKING GRADED! And considering it’s a short class, every assignment is going to matter. And the class is small, so she has a brilliant idea to have us present it to the class. The presentations have to be between 2-3 minutes long. If it’s not, our grade gets docked. I seriously don’t think she’s allowed to do this but alas once again my fear of confrontation stops me from being able to do anything about it.

I don’t know about the rest of the people in my class, but my depression kind of saps that motivation. Any given day, I have one singular motivation. But no, this presentation needs to be 3-5 slides long. She seriously expects me to have that many fucking motivations? Yeah right. 

But Mess, how does google play into this?

Great fucking question.

SHE HASNT EVEN EXPLAINED WHAT WE’LL BE DOING! Her syllabus is literally just her expectations of our fucking behavior and how to find where the assignments are. 

I’m so fucking fed up and I’m only a week into this class. I can’t even explain how angry I am. 

Rant #2:

I know my family is just trying to help me or whatever. I wanna preface that.

Background info- my stepfather runs rpg games (kinda like DND but more forgiving dice rolls) at a local gaming store for people. My mother sometimes comes along and plays a game on her phone or something just for that presence of quality time. Same energy as reading different books to yourself in the same room.

I have this huge problem with social anxiety irl. It leaks into online life sometimes but it's not as apparent and it's easier to hide the way my hands shake when typing out a comment on a post or something.

Not so easy to hide that shit when I'm standing in front of someone. I'm not saying how old I am specifically since I'm hella paranoid about that kinda thing, but I'm old enough to make my own decisions and all that jazz. But when it comes to social interactions (ordering food, asking where the bathroom is, ect) I struggle. A lot. If you know Komi can't communicate, I'm like that, just a little less extreme. So my parents will help me out if I'm with them sometimes.

But then there are those times where they make my life 10x more difficult. I can talk to them in front of people, granted my voice shakes like a leaf and my whole body is trembling. This was one of those nights.

I was having a banter with my stepfather while I got some research to shadow someone in a few weeks, and I asked him a pointed question. (He's really into 3D printing) I asked how many printers he owned now. The people who were taking part in the game were also throwing comments in, but my socially anxious ass was kinda ignoring them. It was fine tho since my stepfather and mother were acknowledging it though. And he acted like he did when I was younger.

This man really said "if you want the answer you need to go introduce yourself to them." It was only two people, but the way my chest tightened with immediate panic and dread. But I acted my age and went over, staring at my shaking hands and introduced myself. I was this 👌 close to crying. I can't make eye contact with more than three people without having a panic attack. It's bad.

But I did it. When more people arrived, I just ignored them, listened to music, and drew on a scrap piece of paper I found in my bag to calm down. And then I turned back around and now there are 6 people. Whatever. I ask my stepfather is I can show him a disturbing meme I found and if he'll humor my antics and laugh at it. My voice sounded like I was about to cry because I'm talking in a public place. And he did it again. Except now it was; "I will if you introduce yourself to each individual person" and he's smiling as he's saying this.

He's not a bad person. He's actually really nice and one of the best father figures I could ask for.

And I was struggling to not just break down then and there. I got halfway through before just giving up and acting like a child to hide under one of the tables in the game store. My mom managed to help me calm down, but now I feel like a total fool. So I just ask if I can go to her car since she picked me up and drove me here. (Our apartment complex gives us one parking space per apartment and my roommate had the car.) She lets me.

Turns out when I'm an embarrassed anxious mess, I forget how cars work. So I accidentally ran the battery down. We got it jump started luckily but it definitely sucks.

I don't think my stepfather actually realizes the extent to what my anxiety makes me feel. I feel unsafe in my surroundings and my own fucking skin. Tonight just sucks.

Also in case anyone's wondering, yes I am seeing a therapist for this and yes it does make my life difficult.

[catboy-changeling]

Tldr I told my therapist I was struggling with stuff and she told me to google it instead of trying to help so now I'm ranting in the tags about the joke that is The Mental Health System

Ignore me

[leggyre]

on a small personal update

so my mood's been a rollercoaster again

hasnt been as low as that one lowest point but it's been definitely hard. i've been struggling a lot with overall self esteem and motivation, just kinda existing in a sorta melancholic state for most days. big thing is, this past week has been WEIRD. i keep going in and out of what might be a manic episode of sorts; occasionally doing reckless and/or dumb stuff because of a weird burst of confidence. really have been wanting to at least chibi commissions open even if just for some sense of purpose but its a hard decision to make considering i might not even know how i'm gonna feel about it on the next day :1 (ik some people rly dont mind the long wait for stuff but personally doesnt do me well to keep things on a backlog,,)

most of me being quiet as of late is due to either not having the energy to talk or being completely absorbed into stuff im doing to the point i forget about everything else. it's,, good when it's good but i really don't like being like this, added with the occasional health stuff i still have to deal with(still getting dizzy af around halfway through the day every day, still some pesky headaches that can at times become worse and some eye strain although thats a minor problem zzzzz)

it feels like almost all of my time is spent enduring stuff, and then when i go back to the things i was doing i dont have as much motivation anymore. it sucks.

..anyway yeah this small vent has been brought to you by me attempting to make sure i dont explode again by occasionally just letting things out. i do finally have a therapist i dont hate so hopefully things can ??? improve ??? yeah.

(vintage artwork of mimitchi)

--although, i forgot to add this but i guess i should mention it eventually. its unrelated to the things above, ive had to deal with a lot of bunny anxiety too. lil guy's gettin' old, and it's hard to find good bunny healthcare where i live. he's fine right now, but there are some concerning issues that have been hard to deal with. it hasnt been happening as often, but sometimes bunny anxiety just takes me down for like 1-3 days.

[lewdladylily]

you been feeling okay? iirc you said you werent feeling great about a week ago, hope that gets better for you if it hasnt already!

Thank you for asking, I appreciate knowing people care. Unfortunately, I can't really say I am well right now. I don't mind sharing a few details so you can get the big picture.

I have mental health issues, pretty severe ones. Over time I have been working on them, getting medications and improving personal habits and self care. Unfortunately over the past few months, about since the start of the year, my medications have not been working properly so my condition has been steadily declining. I didn't recognize it until a month or so ago, but in retrospect it is pretty obvious.

I think I've more or less hit bottom for how bad it is going to get because of that so I'm not going to get worse, but it's a bad place to be in. I am working with my doctor to figure out new medication but it is a slow process by nature.

So its more of a long term problem. I can't exactly say I am ok and I wont be able to say that until we find some working medications, but I'm also not in any sort of crisis situation so there isn't anything specific to worry about either.

In practical terms this means I have a lot more bad days and sustained down periods, and I have to more carefully spend what energy I have on high priority stuff. Social interaction is fun, but also quite draining to me. I do really enjoy getting messages and such, but I wont always have the energy to answer them.

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

General TW

Gonna try keeping this short, but life rn is stabbing me in the shin and then rubbing lemon juice in it so imma just...give yall an update/vent;

-I'm pretty much the leader of a group of like-- 6-8 active members- on discord- Which basically means i generally have good relations with everyone in the group server, and im the one they turn to when they have conflicts, or concerns with another member. (made more so since i created the server for the first members and i-). Lately, all the active members except a few have been having problems. Specifically two people. and im stuck having to try and fix, and put a band-aid on the problems-

-One of my friends has been attempting to...off themself- more frequently- and that happened again yesterday. This was after their partner, another close friend, broke up with them for the moment due to stress from their previous attempts and other factors- and after talking to me and my girlfriend about the situation, asking for advice; we gave them options.

-People's parents always jump to judging me and i dont know what i'm doing wrong- I have an idea, but those ideas are either really old stuff, or, stuff like my gender and attraction to others-- i feel like im constantly being observed under a midcroscope and the slightest misstep will cause me to ruin relationships with the friends' parents who DO like me- or at least dont mind my existence-- I'm trying really hard to improve myself but its crap like this that makes it really hard,,, because its like-- no matter how hard i try, it doesnt matter or make a difference..

-Stuff with mom rn arent looking so great- i wont go into detail, but im worried about her- she had to be sent to the hospital at some point while she was out last night due to mental health reasons, and my brothers, father, and her boyfriend cant figure out where she is rn-- we dont know who she put down as her emergency contact- all we know is that when the police came to tell us and check on us at 2am, they already knew our names-- i think mom might've told them...idk-

-lastly, im starting to slip into old school habits, due to being so distracted by other stress- and i was really proud of my no overdue streak... now that its gone i find it harder to motivate myself to do my school work, and this week hasnt helped-

TL;DR: I feel awful, this week has been awful, and just when i think things are normal again, life decides to kick my metaphorical bleeding, lemon juice infused, shin

[yonymii]

ty for tagging me rina!! @seijohblues 🥰

Questions Tag Game;

1. nickname; selene, lene, etc!

2. birthday; 3rd march (the same as tanakas 😼)

3. zodiac; sun - pisces, moon - virgo, rising - aries

4. height; 5"7!

5. location; uhh the uk 😳

6. occupation; student/piano student! i dont have a job 😔

7. hot or cold; definitely cold, but i have bad circulation so im always cold anyway 😐

8. last thing you googled; hanon piano exercises pdf

9. song stuck in my head; 505 by arctic monkeys! i was in the car with my dad and we were listening to this a few days ago

10. recommended movie; howl's moving castle ! a lot of people have prbably watched it but its been my faviurote since i was little and i watch it a lot

11. amount of sleep; about 7 hours

12. lucky number; 3! (because its my birthday number)

13. favourite song; maybe it's not our fault - yerin baek ,, she just has such a pretty voice and the song is really pretty too 😳😳😳

14. favourite instrument; piano obviously but!! i played cello for a few years when i was younger and i enjoyed that too

15. aesthetic; dark academia mixed with like,, indie skater kid stuff lmao 🤩🤩 mainly dark academia though.

16. favourite author; anne brontë, oscar wilde and cassandra clare

17. things you are doing right now; listening to my piano recordings and making notes on things i could improve,, piano theory too haha 🙈🙈

18. fandoms that have piqued your interest; jujutsu kaisen and seraph of the end, ive watched seraph of the end but it was a while ago so i might watch it again!

19. how has the pandemic been treating you; honestly, its been ok! apart from having to have piano lessons over facetime it hasnt affected me that much. its still a little annoying though

20. one fact others dont know about you; history is my favourite subject and i wanted to study that instead!! i hate medieval history though.

21. what's your favourite dere type; kuuderes! i think theyre really sweet 🥺🥺 yeah

22. rate your life (from 1-10); i grew up very well off compared to my friends so in that sense an 8 or 9/10. but i had a lot of issues with school and mental health too so in that way a 4 or 5/10.

tagging; @thegreatk1ng @chqrryvelvet @gigis-galaxy and anyone else 😐 i dont have many mutuals lol 😔