#my health has had a dip lately so this is the first time in a long while i feel well enough to paint 🌟

[ghost-shepherdess]

painting in egg tempera for the first time in 6(?) months !!! after all the moving !! and it makes me feel so joyous :'^)

[drewharrisonwriter]

Softer

Status: One Shot, Complete.

Pairings: No Outbreak Joel Miller x Female Reader

Summary: Marriage has been good to Joel—he’s happier, softer, and maybe a little pudgier.

Word Count: 1,592 words

Warnings: Explicit sexual content (18+), dirty talk, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex (hehe), mentions of weight gain, body appreciation, strong language

A/N: This fic was written for @beefrobeefcal’s Married Joel Sits on You Challenge! Am I too late for this challenge? 😅 Please forgive me for any mistakes, English is not my first language and it's my first time joining such a challenge, and I utterly enjoyed it. Thank you so much Beefro for this 💖

The prompt was: "Marriage had been good to Joel. His mental health and financial stability had improved, and he seemed overall a happier person. The only drawback seemed to be the effect it had on his waistline."

P.S. Do you enjoy my writing? If so, I’d truly appreciate any support through comments, likes, and reblogs! If you’re able, donations or writing commissions would also mean the world to me as I’m currently managing everything from my phone due to financial constraints. You can donate here or DM me your commission ideas. Thank you so much for your love and support! 💜

Read this on AO3 | Check out my Masterlist

Joel adjusted his sunglasses, glancing at his reflection in the mirrored elevator walls. It was late afternoon, and they’d just come back up from the beach to their hotel room. He scratched his beard, tugging his shirt down over his belly, feeling the fabric cling just a little too snugly.

Tommy’s teasing echoed in his mind. "You packin’ some extra cargo these days, big brother?" The little shit had poked his side earlier as they lounged by the beach, laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.

"Asshole," Joel muttered under his breath.

You glanced up at him, curious. "What’s that, honey?"

Joel shook his head, giving you a half-smile. "Nothin’, sweetheart. Just thinkin'." He hooked an arm around your waist, pulling you close as the elevator doors slid open. You walked out together, your hand slipping down to his lower back as you strolled through the quiet hallway.

“Tommy’s words still botherin’ you?” you asked softly, your voice coming off with gentle teasing. You gave his belly a playful squeeze. “He’s full of shit, Joel. I love you like this. Tommy don’t know what he’s talkin’ about.”

Joel grunted in response, though a small smile tugged at his lips. He didn’t say anything as you continued walking, but you could feel the tension in his body slowly easing under your touch.

Once you reached your suite, Joel swiped the keycard, and you both rushed inside, quickly locking the door behind you. You double-checked the lock, raising an eyebrow at him. “You sure you locked it, Joel? You know how those girls are… Wouldn’t put it past Sarah or Ellie to barge in at the wrong moment.”

Joel let out a low chuckle, his hands finding your waist as he pulled you close. “I ain’t paid this much for a vacation just to get interrupted when I’m tryin’ to make another baby with my hot wife,” he murmured, his voice dropping to a gravelly whisper. “Trust me, darlin’. That door ain’t budging.”

A playful grin tugged at your lips as you teased, “Baby, aren’t you a little old for a newborn?”

Joel cut his eyes at you, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You’re real funny, you know that?” He dipped his head, brushing his lips against yours. “Doesn’t matter how old I am. If it were up to me, I’d keep you pregnant all the damn time.”

Your body flushed at his words, the heat between you flaring with the roughness in his tone. “Yeah?” you whispered, your voice thick with need. “You’d keep me pregnant, huh?”

Joel’s hands slid down to your ass, squeezing as he pulled you close. “Damn right. We could start right now if you want,” he growled, kissing the side of your neck. “Or maybe after a couple more vacations like this one.” His lips traveled lower, sucking a mark just beneath your ear.

Your breath caught as you smiled, running your fingers through his hair. “I don’t mind more vacations first,” you teased, your hands wandering down his back as the two of you continued to make out as you made your way toward the bed.

Joel’s large frame practically caged you in as he guided you down onto the plush mattress. You tugged at his shirt, pulling it off as he hovered over you, his body solid and warm. His fingers made quick work of your bikini top, tossing it aside.

As he leaned over you, your hand ghosted over his once-firm stomach. Marriage had been good to Joel. His mental health and financial stability had improved, and he seemed overall a happier person. The only drawback seemed to be the effect it had on his waistline.

“You look so good…” you hummed. 

Joel’s expression softened for a moment, his thumb brushing over your cheek as he kissed you. “You mean I’ve gone fat?” He grinned before leaning in, his lips grazing your ear.

You laughed, cupping his face. “I love it,” you assured him, pulling him in for another kiss, deeper this time.

As you kissed, Joel’s hand slid between your legs, fingers dipping into the wet heat between your thighs. “Goddamn, baby,” he groaned against your mouth, his fingers teasing your entrance before sliding two thick digits inside you, curling them just right.

Your body jerked at the sensation, and you whimpered softly, “Jesus, Joel!” It’s pretty good and scary at the same time that he knows exactly where and where to curl his fingers inside you to hit that soft spot that makes you see stars. 

His fingers worked inside you, while drawing slow circles on your clit with his thumb that had your hips bucking up toward him. “So needy,” he murmured, “But you’re gonna have to wait, sweetheart. Wanna take my time with you.”

You gasped, head falling back against the bed as he worked you over, his free hand holding your hip steady. The rough pad of his thumb brushed over your clit, and the pressure was just enough to send sparks flying through your body. “Fuck, Joel…”

Joel growled, his mouth closing over your breast, his tongue swirling around your nipple before sucking it into his mouth. You moaned at the sensation, your body arching into his touch as his fingers continued their slow, torturous rhythm inside you.

Your hands tangled in his hair, tugging hard as the pleasure built deep in your core. He kissed his way back up to your lips, his beard rough against your skin as he murmured, “You’re gonna cum for me, baby. But not yet.”

His words sent a shiver down your spine, and your body trembled beneath him as he finally pulled his fingers out, leaving you gasping for breath.

“I need you, Joel,” you whimpered, your voice trembling with need. “Please…”

Joel positioned himself between your legs, the head of his cock pressing against your entrance. “You’re gonna take every inch of me, darlin’,” he rasped, his voice thick with lust. “Gonna bury myself so deep inside you, I’ll be the only thing you can feel.”

With one slow, deliberate thrust, Joel buried himself to the hilt, his cock stretching you wide as his blunt tip kissed your cervix. You gasped, your hands flying to his shoulders, clinging to him as he held himself still, giving you a moment to adjust.

“Fuck, baby,” Joel groaned, his forehead pressed against yours as he began to move, each slow thrust hitting deeper than the last. “You feel so good… so fuckin’ tight around me.”

Your nails dug into his shoulders as he picked up the pace, his cock dragging against every nerve inside you, setting your body on fire. “Joel…” you gasped, your voice breathless.

He leaned down, his lips closing over one of your nipples again, swirling his tongue around the hardened peak before sucking hard. The sensation sent a jolt of pleasure straight to your core, and you moaned, your hips rolling up to meet each of his thrusts.

Joel groaned, his hand sliding between your bodies to rub slow circles on your clit. “Cum for me, baby,” he growled, his voice rough and commanding. “Wanna feel you cum all over my cock.”

Your body responded instantly, the tension snapping as your orgasm crashed over you. You cried out, your walls clenching tight around him, your vision going white as a wave of pleasure rippled through you.

Joel’s hips stuttered as you came, and with a deep groan, he buried himself to the hilt one last time, his cock pulsing as he filled you with his release. He collapsed on top of you, both of you panting and trembling from the intensity of it all.

After a few moments, Joel gently rolled off you, still catching his breath as he sat up on the edge of the bed. “Don’t move, darlin’,” he murmured, brushing a kiss to your forehead before disappearing into the bathroom. He returned moments later with a warm, damp towel, gently cleaning you up with tender strokes.

“C’mere,” Joel whispered, tossing the towel aside and pulling you into his arms. You curled up against his chest, his warmth and steady heartbeat lulling you into a blissful daze. He kissed the top of your head, his large hand rubbing slow circles on your back. 

“You okay, sweetheart?”You smiled sleepily, nuzzling into his chest and just humming your reply. 

Joel chuckled, brushing a hand through your hair. “Good thing we locked that door. Last thing I need is Sarah or Ellie walkin’ in while we’re busy.”

You snickered, burying your face into his chest with a soft laugh. “We’ve done a good job avoidin’ that so far.”

Joel sighed contentedly, running his hand along your back. “Yeah, but I swear, if they catch us one day, Tommy’s gonna have a field day. He’s already givin’ me shit about puttin’ on a little weight.”

You laughed harder, resting your chin on his chest as you looked up at him, your hand slowly sliding down to his soft belly. “This pudge’s the proof you’re enjoyin’ yourself, Joel.”

Joel chuckled, his chest rumbling as he pulled you closer. “Hell, maybe you’re right,” he admitted with a smirk. “Can’t say I’m complainin’, though.”

You smiled, pressing a kiss to his chest. “I love you like this. Softer, but still strong.”

Joel squeezed you gently, his voice quieter. “Feels good, don’t it? Finally bein’ able to enjoy things.” 

You could only hum in response. You let sleep take you, safe in the warmth of his arms.

[pucksandpower]

Lullaby

Max Verstappen x Reader

Summary: in which Max is the only lullaby you’ll ever need

Warnings: 18+ content

You stare up at the ceiling, wide awake. The numbers on the alarm clock seem to taunt you, the minutes ticking by as you struggle in vain to fall asleep.

It’s nearly 1 am and Max still isn’t home.

With a sigh, you roll over and bury your face in his pillow, breathing in his familiar scent.

It’s not the same.

Your body craves his warmth, the protective circle of his arms. Sleep just won’t come without him here.

You’ve always been this way, for as long as you can remember. A perpetual insomniac, tossing and turning through the lonely nights.

That is, until you met Max.

The first night you spent together, you were astonished to find yourself drifting off within minutes of being wrapped in his strong embrace. It was like magic. Now, months later, the spell hasn’t broken. Max has become a necessity, not just for your heart but also for your health.

The sound of the front door opening stirs you from your restless thoughts. Muted footsteps make their way to the bedroom and you feel the mattress dip down.

“Hey,” Max whispers, his hand grazing your shoulder. “Sorry I’m so late, the meeting ran long. I didn’t mean to keep you waiting up.”

You roll over to face him, drinking in the sight of his tousled hair and tired eyes. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here.”

He offers you a soft smile, the one he saves only for these quiet intimate moments, and your heart skips. No matter how many times you see it, that smile never fails to make you melt.

“Let me just wash up and I’ll be right there, okay?” He squeezes your hand gently before disappearing into the bathroom.

You listen to the familiar sounds of him getting ready for bed, a ritual you know by heart. The splash of water, the electric hum of his toothbrush, the soft thud of his clothes hitting the hamper.

When he emerges in just his boxers, you lift up the covers in silent invitation. He slides in behind you and tucks your body against his chest, legs tangled together.

You fit so perfectly, two puzzle pieces made for each other.

His arms wrap around you like bands of steel and you feel yourself begin to relax into him. Here, cradled against him with your legs interlocked, is the only place you’ve ever found true peace.

Max brushes his lips over your hair. “Did you miss me?” He murmurs.

You smile into the darkness. “You know I did.”

“I missed you too, schatje.” His voice is husky with fatigue. “I’m exhausted but I had to get back to take care of my girl.”

You snuggle deeper into his embrace. “My hero.”

He chuckles, low and warm like honey flowing over you.

You talk softly as you both unwind from the day, voices hushed in the intimacy of the night. He tells you about the team debrief that ran late and you fill him in on the book you started today, trading thoughts and details as the fuzziness of sleep starts to seep into the she of your consciousness.

Eventually conversation tapers off, words replaced by contented silence. Max’s breathing deepens and you know he’s nearing slumber. But your mind still buzzes, body fighting against its own weariness.

You shift restlessly and Max instantly tightens his hold. “Shh I’ve got you,” he soothes. “Just try to relax.”

One large hand begins massaging gentle circles on your back and you focus on its hypnotic motion, on the sensation of his calloused fingers tracing delicate shapes.

He starts humming softly, a nameless tune that fills you with wistful melancholy. You’ve never asked where he learned it. It belongs to these fragile midnight moments, when he coaxes you to stillness with his voice and touch.

Between the comfort of his embrace and the lullaby reverberations rumbling through his chest, you finally feel sleep approaching. Your thoughts drift away until only the present remains — Max surrounding you, his warmth, his scent, the combined rhythm of your heartbeats.

Just as your heavy eyelids begin to close, Max shifts suddenly and cages you beneath him. You gasp as he presses urgent kisses under your jaw, nipping at the sensitive skin.

“Max!” You squirm half-heartedly. “I was almost asleep.”

“Not quite yet, schatje. We’re not done.” His voice is gravelly with arousal that makes your belly swoop. “I need you.”

He kisses you deeply until you’re clinging to him, nails digging into the flexing muscles of his back. This man unravels you with barely a touch, your body open and pliant to him like a flower turns to the sun.

When he enters you it feels like coming home. You let out a shaky exhale, overwhelmed by the perfection of his body joining yours. This connection, this wholeness, is all you’ve ever wanted.

Max sets a slow, deep rhythm. His eyes blaze into you, grey flickering with lust and love and possession. “You’re mine,” he rasps, thrusting harder. “This is right where you belong. Under me, surrounding me, taking all of me.”

“Yes, yes I’m yours,” you gasp. The slide and drag of your bodies is maddening, tension coiling at the base of your spine.

Max grips your thigh, hooking it over his hip to drive himself deeper. “No one else gets to have you like this. You only come apart for me. I’m the only one who gets to feel you shatter.”

You cry out as he hits that perfect spot inside, stars bursting behind your eyelids. “Max, please …”

He crushes you closer, thin control fraying. “Please what? Tell me. I’ll give you anything you need.”

A particularly deep thrust wrings a wanton moan from you. You’re so close now, balanced on a knife’s edge of bliss. “Just you,” you manage to say. “I just need you.”

Max smiles, satisfied. “That’s my girl.” Then his lips slant over yours, swallowing your sobs of pleasure as his hips piston faster. The tension crests, higher and higher, until finally it breaks and you’re swept away on waves of dizzying ecstasy.

Max tenses and follows you over with a rough groan, your name a prayer on his lips. He collapses heavily against you, breath coming in harsh pants.

For long moments you just cling together, fingerprints bruising, heartbeats thundering through one another.

Eventually Max stirs, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. But he doesn’t separate your bodies. He knows you’ll rest easier staying connected, so he simply shifts just enough to take some of his weight off you.

You let out a small sigh of contentment, his warmth seeping into every inch of you like a blanket. Utterly spent and sated, you quickly begin drifting off. But before sleep claims you, Max’s quiet voice cuts through the haze.

“I’ll always come back to you. Every night, just like this. You’re my home.”

His words wrap around your heart, a vow and a lullaby in one. You manage to murmur a quiet “love you” before finally succumbing to sleep, safe in the harbor of his arms.

[victoria-grimesss]

Call the Doctor, I'm in Love

masterlist

->Paring: Johnny ‘Soap’ MacTavish x Medic!Fem!Reader

->Words: 2.9k

->Warning: fluff & angst, mentions of injury/wounds

->Summary: Soap has a big ol crush on you, he’s not sneaky or quiet about it. Here are the many times he’s fantasized about you and the one time you answered his dreams.

->A/N: a little something because I love Foap!

Johnny ‘Soap’ Mactavish is a pretty guy, a hunk if you will and he knows it. He has no troubles with the ladies and is highly experienced but he always feels like he’s lacking something, someone. Until you came along, pretty new medic. You’re his favorite. He always goes to you for a patch up even waiting for medical help until you come back from break. Johnny is a saint, he is a patient and giving man. 

But he wants you, desperately. He’s got a big fat crush and he’s not quiet about it. The 141 is exhausted hearing about what you did today and that Soap thinks you looked dreamy today, stitching up his arm. He saw you look at him a little extra that means you want to be with him right? They can’t wait until you either reject the poor fool or take him on a bloody date. Here are the times poor Mactavish has swooned over you:

The 1st Time: Your Introduction

Soap has found himself head over heels for you. He first saw you in the medical tent after him and an enemy went headfirst over a steep rockwall, he was fine of course, seems like that guy can bounce back from anything, you had nursed him back to health and he was done for. Your caring words and gentle hands were all he wanted now. And imagine his surprise and excitement when you became the team's new task-force medic.

“Alright team I hope you read over the file, we got a new member to our team. She's going to be our medic but don’t worry she can hold our own on the field. She’s reliable and damn good at her job. We’ve had too many close calls lately and I don’t want anyone dying of something that could have been prevented.”

Price ends his introduction and you greet your way around the room, everyone is nice enough for tuff military men. You find yourself sitting next to John, or Soap, or sometimes Johnny depending on who you ask. He’s a good looking guy, as are the rest in the room but you have a job to do so you don’t plan on messing up your place on the team by intermingling with one of them.

“Aye lass, do you carry one of those stethoscope things around with ya?”

He’s leaning on one arm, checking out the equipment you had brought with you.

“I usually keep it in the office, why is something wrong?”

You’re looking him over for anything obvious but nothing sounds any alarm.

“Ah no, it’s just my heart… it’s acting funny, beats a little faster when you come around.”

He’s smiling and you laugh not expecting a bad pick-up line but seems like he’s that kind of guy.

“I see. Well might want to try working on your cardio then that’ll improve that heart rate of yours.”

He pauses, thinking of what to say next to lure you in.

“You like bars doctor?”

“Not particularly..”

“Would ya mind joining me, I hate drinking alone.”

You smile, amused.

“Why not one of the other boys, someone you’re more familiar with.”

You’re looking into your bag and he drops his head lower so you’ll look him in the eyes.

“I’d like to be more familiar with you bonnie.”

You stop and put your hands on your hips pretending to think.

“Well I’m not so interesting, just a doctor after all. I’m sure Gaz would love to join you, you two seem the best of friends.”

He seems a little discouraged when you don’t play into his game but he looks at the small smile that plays on your lips and knows he’s just gotta keep trying. You won’t shake him off that easily.

—

The 2nd Time: The Flu Incident

Flu season. Your favorite time of the year, your inner monologue drips with sarcasm as you scrub your hands raw for the sixth time today. It’s late afternoon and the sun dips over the horizon as the rooms are casted with a honey soaked orange glow. The murmurs from the outside hallway peak your interest and you dry your hands and exit to the hall.

“I told you MacTavish I can help you just as easily as any other nurse or doctor, just come into my office and we’ll get you fixed up.” 

An older more seasoned nurse has her hands on her hips, gaze pointed at Soap with a motherly disapproved look at her face. You step out of the room tossing the paper towel into the bin.

“Troubled patient?” 

Soap lifts his head at your voice and he smiles, voice nasally and strained.

“Ah there ya are bonnie, been waiting for you. Think you can fix me?” 

“You’d be in better hands with her you know? Unlike me she knows what she’s doing.” 

Your tone is playful and Johnny stands weakly, hand on the wall.

“Yea but you’re my favorite, can’t feel better unless it’s you.”

The other nurse is called away shooting you a good luck look with her eyes, no doubt happy to not have to deal with the sickly man.

“Alright Johnny whatever you say. Let’s get you to a bed.”

“You’re a real saint hen.”

You place a steady hand on his back leading him to the bed in your office, away from the overflow so he can hopefully get some rest.

“Alright Johnny go ahead and lay down I’ll get your temp and let’s see if we can break that fever alright?”

He groans as he lays down obviously dealing with joint pain from the flu, it’s a nasty one that’s hit the base this time.

You run a washcloth under cool water, grab your thermometer, and sit next to him making sure he’s comfortable. You take his temp and frown, 

“Give it to me straight doctor, am I going to make it?”

He grips your hand dramatically and you laugh while patting his hand.

“I think you’ll just scrape by, it’ll be close though.”

“Oh thank heavens. Guess you’ll just have to take extra close care of me right?”

He’s giving you those stupid puppy dog eyes again as you place the washcloth on his forehead and place the back of your hand on his cheek to feel the temp there as well.

“I guess since I’m part of your team now I’ll have to make sure you live, so yes. I will take extra good care of you.”

You smile at him softly, you don’t like seeing anyone sick but sick Soap reminds you of a kicked puppy.

You miss the way his eyes shine up at you as you chart his info. How the thoughts in his head are those of you and him on dates, what ring he will propose to you with, where you’ll honeymoon and various other daydreams he has swirling around. He would do anything for you to be his, he would capture the stars for you.

You get up from your chair to put his info into the computer and he looks at the sad flowers on the side table, shriveled and needing to be tossed.

“These flowers aren't lookin so good.”

You glance over and frown.

“Oh yeah, it’s been so busy lately I haven't had a chance to replace them yet.”

He hums and you walk back over to him and give him some painkillers and electrolyte drink mix.

“Take these and get some rest please, it’ll do you good.”

He sits up, eyes on you as he takes the pills, handing you the little cup back.

“I’ll get you some new flowers, take you out too.”

You’re facing away from him, a smile gracing your features.

“Johnny, I-”

“You don’t have to say yes now lass, just please, for the sake of my well-being think on it.”

You move over to him and dab the cloth onto his cheeks and cool down his pulse points, heart growing slightly as you reply.

“Sure Johnny, I’ll think about it. Now sleep, doctor's orders.”

He sleeps quietly next to you as you finish your charting. The sight of him so calm warms your heart and it scares you a little bit, you wouldn't want to throw off the balance of the team or make any weird power dynamics by falling for him but he makes it harder and harder. 

The next week fresh flowers are left on the side table.

—

The 3rd Time: Award Ceremony Ball

Dressed to the nines each of you are. A very successful mission rewarded the whole team with a variety of medals and everyone was looking very nice all cleaned up.

Your dress was a floor gown with a slip up the leg and your back was exposed, the dress felt so silky and it was nice to not be covered in blood for once. Although you did manage to spill some kind of fancy jam on it and you were frantically dabbing at it with water when you were interrupted with Soap meeting up with you.

“Well don’t you look nice.” 

He’s lively tonight, eyes bright with optimism after the job and sporting brand new chest candy to show off.

Your eyes drift up from the new stain on your dress to him and he, well he looks damn good. A new pink scar graces his jawline but it looks good on him, he can wear scars well.

“Thank you, you clean up well yourself too.”

“Ah bonnie don’t make me blush now.” 

The rest of the team is chatting at a nearby table, Price is nursing a short glass of something dark, Gaz is going to town on the amazing food, and Ghost is engaged in conversation with the two of them.

“You wanna head back to the table?”

You offer, he shakes his head and offers his hand.

“I ask the fine lady to a dance.”

You blush, never asked to dance before, the ballroom floor filled with experts, couples swirling to the melody in the air.

You stew on it for a moment, and put your hand in his.

“Ok but if I fall you fall with me okay?”

“Always.”

Your hands are intertwined, one of his is on your waist and yours is on his shoulder. You both try to copy what the others do and the messy dance combined with the flutes of champagne you both consumed makes for quite the site. The mess of bumping feet and unsteady movements.

“For a sergeant you’re rather uncoordinated MacTavish.” Your laugh is light.

“I didn’t go to fuckin dance school, certainly didn’t learn this in the marines that’s for sure. What, did they teach this in medical school?”

“Does it look like they did? I can stitch up a bullet wound but lord help me I can't dance for shit.”

You bump into him again and his grip tightens slightly.

“I got ya bonnie.”

He could be living in a dream right now, you in such a pretty dress adorned in your well deserved medals, him with his. You’re gripping his shoulder and he’s got you in his arms, he can smell your perfume and see the small hairs out of place as the two of you spin but he loves it all the same. He wants it all the same.

“Johnny. Can you hear me?”

He blinks harshly, really sinking back in. You’re not his right now, he can’t take you back to his place after this and kiss each part of you, unzip the dress and let his fingers graze over the skin that's revealed to him. Watch how you move under the moonlight as he touches you just as he imagined. Not yet.

“Yea?”

“I said I think Gaz just devoured his fourth bowl of that dip I wanted to try.”

“Must be good then, should we head over before he finishes it all?”

You laugh and agree.

“Thank you for the dance MacTavish, you made me feel less silly for not knowing what I’m doing.”

His eyes sparkle at your admiration.

“I’m always happy to help.”

—

The 4th Time: Yes

This mission could not have been more fucked up. Shrapnel flies and bullets whiz by. The air is cold but your body is so hot, on fire from the adrenaline. 

The coms are staticy and choppy but you can make out the team. 

An undercover mission with Soap had you outside a pretty nice villa at dusk. It was meant to pose as a couple on a retreat to gain intel from an organization nearby but all hell had broken loose. You're cornered and Soap had been down to three bullets and you at two until you were able to take down someone else and gain the upper hand.

Communication with the team was hard, they had sent for backup now you just had to wait.

And Soap is shot.

He has taken a bullet for you and you’re frantic. 

“Fuck Johnny, shit.”

He grimaces as you rip your bag off of your back to grab for first aid. It’s not enough though, you had to pack light and it’s not enough.

“Stupid ass job, told them to find a way to get more equipment.”

You’re more muttering to yourself, ripping things out of the small bag you were allotted to patch him up.

“You’re cute when you’re frustrated.”

Johnny laughs and it sends him into a coughing fit, the bullet is in his side. You pray it hasn't done permanent damage but the gravel in his cough scares the hell out of you.

“Hold on Johnny, I’m gonna get you fixed up alright, just stay still.”

A bullet nearly misses your head and he shoots back hitting the guy before clutching his side again.

“You think that’s all of them?”

“Fucking hope so, I need- I have to clean it.”

He’s strong, so strong and sweet and kind and nice and charming and you can’t lose him. 

Not when you know you want him now. That you need him now. 

“Gonna lift your shirt ok? Just watch your breathing.”

“Aye, not even going to take me to dinner first.”

Your eyes are blurry as tears slip down, first one the two.

He wipes them away, his blood smearing onto your face and you choke back a sob.

“C’mon bonnie, don't cry. I hate seeing you cry.”

His voice grows weaker the more he speaks and you beg him to stop, but he rambles. 

He talks about how each morning he wakes up to see if you’re up yet. He waits for you at the gym, always goes to you when he feels unwell, gushes to the rest of the team about you when you’re not around. 

He flirts openly with you and what a fool you’ve been to not reciprocate fully, to reel into him.

The needle breaks his skin and his eyes grow heavy, the blood is still flowing freely and you almost feel it rushing out of you as well.

“I’m so sorry Johnny.”

You stitch and wipe and repeat. It’s a gaping wound and it makes you sick seeing it on him. 

You’re so focused on stitching him you don’t notice when his eyes close. His breathing is shallower now. 

Your eyes race around his face, head now slumped to the side.

You wipe the wound, it’s not good but it should be ok. Heavy on should.

Your hand, coated in blood cups his cheek, shaking.

“Johnny?”

You move his head, it's heavy in your hands and your breathing hurts now.

You get closer, enough to press his forehead to yours and you inhale his smell. 

You hold cloth to his wound to try to stop the bleeding and you whisper promises to him if he will just pull through. 

Your lips are so close to his that when your tears roll down your face they roll off your nose onto his lips.

The hand that cups his cheek feels his pulse on his neck and it’s quiet and slow. It’s so silent here now.

“I’m so sorry Johnny. I love you. Fuck I love you so much I just didn’t want to mess anything up. Please don’t leave yet. 

You lips touch his softly, like if you pressed any harder he would shatter.

“Could have- could have told me all that before I was dying yea?”

He laughs weakly, his smile cracking the corner of his lips. You cup his face fully now, careful to remove your hand from the wound but you applied enough pressure by now the blood has coagulated some. 

“You mean all that?” His eyes are heavy but he still looks at you with that same shining he always did.

“Yes, god yes. I just didn't want to mess up the team dynamic but I don’t care anymore, you just have to pull through alright then let's go out.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Blades of the helicopter sound nearby cutting through the silence.

“Just hold on Johnny we’re gonna get you patched up. Then I want to see you in that suit again.”

“Anything for you bonnie.”

—

He recovered well with you by his side of course. You dressed his wound properly and gave him a kiss to make it heal faster he would say. Then two weeks later he showed up in a suit with flowers at your office door. The rest is history, but the team is much happier not listening to Soap’s rambling about you but they are happy nonetheless.

[silken-moonlight]

Older Alpha and Human Waitress / Moodboard and playlist

Desmond Lyall

We already had an introductory post for Desmond; however, I wanted to write a little more about him. Desmond's family had been...tense. His father was a man of sternness and coldness; weakness was not tolerated in his house. In the werewolf community, this is viewed as toxic Alpha family behavior. His mother was no different. With both his parents alphas and raised with the same mindset, it had been a difficult environment to grow up in. Desmond was the golden child; he was expected to be perfect. He managed to become a somewhat good person still. His younger brother, William, was not as fortunate. He suffered under the reign of his parents. Back then, Desmond had viewed him as weak. Like his parents, he was disappointed in his brother and his rebellious behavior.

Nowadays, Desmond has matured as a person. Being the Alpha of his pack has made him view things differently. Many challenges and changes have occurred for him over the years. He has come to put his own needs behind everyone else's. He occasionally takes time for himself, but that has become rare. He overworks himself to the point that his beta, Isaac, is concerned about his physical and mental health. He has changed, becoming awfully similar to his father, and he hates that but cannot help it. He is complex and has so many layers that somebody would need to free him. He himself would never find peace on his own; somebody has to guide him.

His greatest and deepest desire is to feel cared for. He wants to be weak, even if he could never admit that. He yearns for something, something that is just his own. He yearns for love and warmth, gentle touches and silly moments. These songs shall display him a little better

The reader/ you

Disclaimer: This is how I imagined the reader. How you imagine them or if you imagine yourself is your Business. This is just 'my' view, please don't see this as Set thing how you should imagine the reader/you.

A little background for the reader: She still lives with her parents, who are both chronically ill. Her parents need her in their lives, and the reader loves her parents; however, their care and constant needs can be suffocating. Sometimes she feels like there is no way out, and she feels guilty for thinking this, since she would do anything for her family. She has lost many friends over this, and the friends that have stayed use her as a free therapist. She has sometimes lost her sense of self, and a deep exhaustion has settled into her. While she always tries to be happy and carefree, sometimes her exhaustion and sadness peak through. She loves to care for others, but it will be her eventual end if no one begins to take care of her.

She is happiest outdoors with her dogs, loving nature and books. She goes skinny-dipping in any river or pond she finds, unafraid of any animals and wanting to befriend every animal in her path. A wild child, as her parents call her, she is difficult to catch. A soul pure and good, her energy is addictive, but many drain her energy.

A/N: This was a lot of fun to do. I love making stuff like this. I hope you liked it too! I thought at first to make a pintrest Board and Spotify playlist. Though I find this solutiin a bit better. How did you like it?

[from-izzy]

[03:10] | the boyz kim sunwoo

Sunwoo hums to acknowledge your thoughts. "Let's try again, okay? Together this time."

​PAIRING » tbz kim sunwoo x gn!reader (fast proofread once! lmk if i missed anything!)​ TROPE/AU » ​established relationship au!, non-idol au! GENRE​ » hurt/comfort at night (morning), fluffy fluff fluff, a sprinkle of angst, sunwoo being your understanding and patient boyfriend, sunwoo tucks your hair behind your ears (i find this so so so cute), big spoon sunwoo who protects you from the world, sunwoo tries to steal your (his) clothes because he's staying the night over and can't fit in yours WORD COUNT » 1836 ESTIMATED READING TIME » ~7 mins WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!) » reader has trouble sleeping, reader has a history of taking prescribed melatonin, mentions of unsupportive family, reader has medium to long hair, sunwoo is physically bigger and taller

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

thank you for reading and helping with genres/warnings @sohnric !!

something that i wrote up back late december 2023 but only releasing today because it marks day 100 since i had my last melatonin pill. taking melatonin pills everyday since 2021 has had a toll on my body and i see the effects that it has on my body even more after stopping. with it, my body clock somewhat matches the time frame that society 'accepts'. without it, the birds chirp first and even though sleeping at 5-6am is exhausting, i tell myself to keep pushing on.

for another note, this story is not written to influence the audience into thinking that taking medication is bad! please take your medication properly and on time! do not be influenced and swayed by society for your health!

please always stay healthy and i'm rooting for you! hang in there! you can do this!!

You didn't need to look at the clock to know what time it was at night—or should you say at this point, day. 

You were thankful that Sunwoo wasn't asleep yet or on a call with his friends when you sent him a message, asking if he was able to come over. You debated even texting him at first, seeing that it was past midnight but you remember the time he bent down to look at you at eye level, hugging your lips with his before pulling away and telling you to always send him a message if you ever needed him at any time and anywhere.

At that point, all your worries washed away as it was the exact words that you needed to hear from your loving boyfriend.

As soon as Sunwoo read and replied to your message, it took him less than ten minutes to appear on the other side of your window—but it took you a second quicker than him to open the said window before he could knock on its frame as all you did after you turned off your phone was put your arms around your legs, resting your chin on your raised knees and watch the mocking moon in the sky.

It was so high on a cloudless night that your stomach churned with anxiety and the truth that time waits for none kicks you in the gut devastatingly. The physical time tells society to sleep and wake up because that's the universal time to keep the world going. The long hand ticks in your head while the short one follows bit by bit—like a bomb that explodes when everyone greets you a ‘goodnight’. Your body has always run at a different time and even though the moon gives so much light and comfort to the night for some, it only serves as a grim reminder for you that your seven o'clock alarm will ring in less than four hours. 

It's heartbreaking to realise your perception of the ray of light in the black night that you used to be excited for has changed as you grew older.

"Hey..." Sunwoo keeps you close to his body as soon as he jumps inside your room. One hand holds the back of your head gently, the other wrapping around your waist. He dips his head down to press a kiss to your forehead, a little smile against your skin on his soft lips, "You're okay. It'll be okay."

"I can't fall asleep, Woo..." Your hand harshly grips the leather material of his jacket at the sides of his body and the shape of your nails is most probably imprinted on his daily outwear by the number of times you've done this.

Sunwoo hums to acknowledge your thoughts. "Let's try again, okay? Together this time." His fingers that run through your hair leave you slightly breathless and you try to focus on his careful and slow action towards you, successfully easing your racing thoughts. "I'm here now, bubs."

The smile on his face grew when you nodded against his chest, still burying your face into his chest and to breath in his comforting scent that always seemed to calm your whole body. Delighted and relieved at your response, Sunwoo begins to sway his body from side to side, singing a gentle tune with his mellow singing voice that you love. He alternates between singing the romantic words straight to your ears and humming the words out as he presses multiple kisses on the parts of your face that he can reach.

"Were you sleeping when I messaged you?" You whisper guiltily to his chest.

"Don't worry about those little things." Sunwoo continued humming after. When he finishes singing the last note, your hands no longer hold onto his jacket for dear life, instead just leisurely around his waist. He pulls away just enough to finally face you in the limited light that your nightlamp gave. "Hi there, bubs."

The way Sunwoo says the pet name that you adore so much makes your heart break a little bit. You could tell at a glance that his eyelids were heavy, that he was probably trying to fight the yawn from his song and that his legs were probably trying their best not to fall asleep. Sunwoo quietly observes your trembling lips and he picks up the high possibility that you were most probably conflicted in your thoughts.

It still haunts you more than the moon outside; more than any horror movies or the amusement horror houses you’ve been in. Maybe it’s because, during all those situations, you had someone beside you. But it’s inevitable once again when your eyes won’t close that you think of the scene in the dining room. When that one artificial light hangs on the ceiling in the middle of the dining table, the square sides taken up by the other members of your family, you will never forget the disbelief and scoffs of disgust when you told them about the small white circle in the palm of your hand that your doctor prescribed.

"I'm so sorry. Maybe I should've just taken the medic—"

"Don't be like this to yourself." The moonlight behind your boyfriend highlights the tears that roll down your pale cheeks. Your heavy, shaky inhales are what prompts Sunwoo to bring yourself back to the present time. "I want to be here, okay? I want to take care of you." Your cold cheeks met the warmth of his palms, his thumbs brushing across the underside of your eyes to wipe your tears away while the rest tucked the lone strands of your hair behind your ears. "If you don't want to take the pills then you don't have to. Please don't be sorry for anything."

"But you're so tired..." It's a miracle that the sentence was comprehendable though it did break multiple times along the way.

He keeps his reassuring eye contact with you when he shakes his head, "You must be more tired than I am." 

You whimper at his thoughts, biting your bottom lip to keep your cries from growing any louder. Sunwoo shakes his head once more, resting his forehead on yours and whispering sweet nothings to you delicately. His thumb lands on the outline of your bottom lip before lightly pulling it down to free it from the pain you were inflicting on yourself. When your cries did break out from your lips, restrains fully gone, your boyfriend's kind heart completely breaks.

Sunwoo takes your breath away by giving you his own when he tilts your head slightly to meet his plump lips. He drinks all your sorrows, cupping your jawline to bring you closer, the sides of your nose brushing against each other. Your lips stop trembling, focusing on the love and patience that he gives you. Your hands unclasp from his back, moving to curl and envelop his wrists, resting the pads of your thumbs on his to feel his calming heartbeat. The muscles that made your eyebrows furrow relaxed with the way that Sunwoo held you so carefully in the now-broken, silent night.

Sunwoo learns from the number of times that you have called him in this situation that showing you gestures like these are the fastest and most effective way to ease your mind and ground yourself. His heart does little loops and jumps every time before he kisses you but he is more focused on making you feel better than anything. As much as it makes him happy to know that he's the only one who could give you the loving gesture, nothing beats the feeling of knowing that you will always feel better and be in a better state of mind afterwards.

The boy pulls away eventually, scanning your face to look for any discomfort. When he found none, his thumbs continued to brush over your skin for a little while more, trailing a series of kisses from your forehead, the shape of your nose, your eyelids that protect his favourite pair of eyes to your precious lips that his own would never get enough of.

"May need to borrow some clothes, bubs." An eyebrow raises from him and a teasing grin makes its way to his face, "Even though ‘borrow’ is a weird word as it’s mine in the first place." A chuckle fills your room melodically. "Will you lend me my clothes?"

"And if I say no?" You did a little nose scrunch, pouting after.

Sunwoo is not the strongest soldier, especially not to your cute actions that sent his heart beating erratically against his chest when your sparkling eyes met his. "Bubs, I'm not going to fit in your clothes. Even if I could, I don't think you would like it when you get it back all stretched."

"I have oversized too, you know."

"You mean my clothes that are oversized on you."

Your eyes smile at the short conversation and Sunwoo's heart feels full and content, relieved to see the beautiful sight that he has always wished you would have in long nights like these.

After Sunwoo changes, you both cover your bodies with your weighted duvet. Just like before, he holds you close to his body, resting an arm for you to lay on before bending it up to soothingly run his fingers across your scalp. You smile contently, hiding your face to his chest, pressing a kiss on his jawline.

"I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

Just like every time as an act of 'goodbye' or 'goodnight', you relish the forehead kiss that goes on for slightly longer than all the other forehead kisses. After a date and a long day, you would always pout and beg for another one, not wanting to leave his side yet. But on nights like these, when his arms would spoon your figure and you would hug his other free arm, you wouldn't need to pucker your lips to him, knowing well that it's a 'goodnight' and not a 'goodbye'.

"I love you so much, bubs."

"I love you so much too." You push your body up a little bit, careful not to crush the arm beneath you and press a final kiss to his lips before trying to reset your body clock for another day. "Thank you for coming, Woo."

"Anytime and anywhere. Never forget that."

Sunwoo did fall asleep first but his presence with his little snores and the warm exhale from his lips comforted you greatly. Your head seems to agree with your heart because when your eyelids become heavy and sleep finally overtakes your body, you're glad that the last thing two things you see before drifting off to one of the best sleeps in your life, are the sight of your intertwined hands between your bodies and the thought that you're blessed to have Sunwoo who loves you so much and so dearly. 

Wrapped in patient love, the seven o’clock alarm didn’t seem scary to you anymore.

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you...' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here or removed!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️ @kflixnet 📺🍿 @sanaxo-o

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[abiiors]

Firsts

Day one of Matty's Birthday Bash! by @the1975attheirverybest. I'm adding all of these to my Series Masterlist. Enjoy :)

Monday: First Birthdays As A Couple - His Birthday

Made myself tear up a bit with this one :,) it's suggestive but no smut

What do you get a man who seems to have everything in life?

He has money, fame, health (he’s been working out lately and looking really delicious), wonderful friends (who are also your friends), a perfect girlfriend (that’s you) and the perfect career! What he doesn’t have, however, is the knowledge that you’re waiting for him in his hotel room to be back from his morning jog. 

Nearly two and half months into the relationship, this is the first time you’re celebrating his birthday as a couple. The nerves twist in your gut, worry gnaws at you heavily. What if he just wants to spend the day with his friends and party the night away? What if he’s not happy about the fact that you’ve shown up here unannounced? The tour is on a break right now but he does still have other things to do; multiple interviews, Dirty Hit stuff, the works! 

A faint beep echoes outside, followed by the sound of a doorknob that indicates his arrival. The butterflies in your stomach flutter—half excitement, half nerves—but as the door opens, you know you’ve made the right decision. 

Matty walks in, damp curls plastered to his forehead, to his cheeks. He’s wiping the sweat off his forehead with the hem of his tank top, toned abs on full display, tattoos glistening in the sunlight. His arms flex from the movement as droplets of sweat run down his throat. And for a moment you stand there dumbstruck just by how attractive he is. 

He freezes for a brief second, trying to take you in but then his face breaks into a big, giddy grin and he comes barreling at you, picks you up in his arms. 

‘What are you doing here?!’ he asks, his tone full of surprise and elation and his mouth is on yours before you have the chance to answer. 

So he has missed you, after all. 

The kiss is deep and long and Matty cannot contain his smile throughout. His hands can’t get enough of you; can’t decide if he should hold you by the waist or hold your face or squeeze your ass which he absolutely loves doing. So he just settles for letting his hands run all over you. You giggle when the thought hits you. 

You haven’t even had the chance to wish him a happy birthday yet. 

Clearly, the post-run pheromones are working quite well. Matty’s knee is pressed between your legs, pushing you against the wall even when the bed is right there. His kisses are hungry, bordering on feverish. He bites your lower lip, letting his tongue in once you open your mouth with a gasp. 

‘Matty,’ you half-moan, almost the start of a sentence but his lips are now hot on your jaw, his hands already under your top. ‘Fuck–stop, stop,’ you gasp out. And as much as you want this to keep going, you have a whole day planned out for him. 

‘What’s wrong,’ he frowns. His hips are still pressed to yours and his excitement is very evident. 

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ you smile at him sweetly and press a kiss onto his lips once again. ‘Happy Birthday, baby!’

Despite his confusion from a moment ago, Matty beams like an excited kid. His eyes go crinkly, his toothy grin is on display and he hums contently. 

‘Are you my gift?’ he asks, eyeing you slowly from top to bottom. So that is still on his mind. But you suspect that that is always on his mind. 

‘I can be,’ you answer just as suggestively, ‘but that’s for later.’

‘Mmm, later sounds promising,’ he winks. His gaze dips back down to your lips, eyes darkening with want and you almost abandon all thoughts once again. 

A sudden feeling of shyness overcomes you. You have spent weeks planning this day. You have bugged his friends to tell you about everything he likes, about restaurants he wants to try and what his usual birthday traditions are. You have spent weeks hounding your friends with ideas, asking them for their opinions on them. And now that it’s finally time for the execution, all of this feels a bit like a test. 

You’ve only really been together for a few months. This is the first birthday to come up in your relationship. This is huge. 

‘What are you thinking?’ he asks, his gaze searching. Some of the heat in his eyes cools, replaced by curiosity. 

‘I planned a day out for us,’ you bite your lip bashfully. The feeling of uncertainty still lingers at the forefront of your mind. ‘If you’d like that, I mean!’ you amend quickly, ‘if there’s something you don’t want to do then we can always—’

Matty quickly cuts you off with another kiss and whatever words of self-doubt were about to make an appearance, die on your lips. 

‘There’s nothing more,’ his lips move up to your nose, pressing a quick kiss on the tip, ‘that I would love,’ another kiss on your forehead this time, ‘than spending my birthday with you.’

He sounds genuinely so excited about it, so earnest that all the negative thoughts melt away and what you’re left with is pure unbridled excitement. 

‘Okay perfect,’ you beam up at him and all but clap your hands in anticipation. ‘Because I’m going to spoil my boy!’

‘I rather like that title,’ he laughs and moves away begrudgingly when you nudge him to. Then for the first time, he sees the shopping bags in the corner of the room. ‘Is that for me?’ he asks with a raised eyebrow. 

And this is your moment to shine! 

‘Okay, so I can’t exactly tell you what the plan of the day is because it’s a surprise,’ you speak in a matter-of-fact tone, moving to get the bags onto the bed. ‘So then obviously I couldn’t ask you to dress a certain way because that would give it away.’

Matty stands in his spot and watches you move around the room, talking animatedly. The room is bathed in golden light and the beautiful skyline of the city is visible behind you from the massive floor-to-ceiling windows. The bed is ruffled, slept-in. The soft smile on his face is one of your favourites. 

Of course, with a relationship so new, it’s too soon to move in together. Especially when he’s away half the time. So it’s not often that you both just get to experience the domesticity of being together. The lull in between the moments of passion. Excited conversations in unmade beds with gentle sunlight streaming in. 

‘I love you,’ he blurts out. 

You drop the bag and go still. Did he really just say what you think he said? You want to ask him again, make sure your brain didn’t make up the same fantasy for the millionth time but he’s way ahead of you. 

He walks up to you again, stands just close enough that your toes are touching. ‘I love you,’ he repeats. 

Your heart thunders in your chest, you brain screams at you to say it back. Come on, coward, you’ve been thinking about it for weeks! But his sudden confession has left you speechless. 

‘You don’t have to say it back,’ he reassures calmly and with surprise you realise that there really is no edge of panic in his eyes. He really did say it without expecting anything in return. 

‘I was supposed to say it first,’ you whisper rather stupidly, still unsure of how your legs are still holding you up. 

Matty laughs; a deeps rich laugh that sends tingles down your spine and makes a blush creep up your cheek. Then he places one hand on your waist and pulls you closer. 

‘I might be the one to say it first,’ he breathes against your skin, ‘but you were the first one to show it. You made an effort to find out my likes and dislikes,’ he smiles. His fingers move gently, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. ‘You made an effort to care about my life, my friends. You look at me like no one else has,’ he continues, ‘you look at me like I’m your whole world.’

Oh god, this man. The tears are about to come any minute but he’s not done yet. 

‘And…’ he grabs a hold of your hand and places a kiss on your knuckles, ‘you’re here. You’re here for me.’

‘Matty Healy, when did you get so wise,’ you tease through the lump in your throat but all you feel in this moment is pure joy and adoration. 

He simply makes a show of looking superior and then breaks out into a breathtaking smile. His golden eyes shine in the sun, his hair sticks out in all directions, he smells of old cologne and sweat and he’s simply the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen. 

‘So you’re really not gonna say it back?’ he teases again and pouts to drive the point home. 

You laugh at him and shake your head. ‘Matty, you’re an idiot!’

[filmtv2022]

"Together" Part 2 

All Works Masterlist

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

Pairing: Jake “Hangman” Seresin x Reader

Summary: Y/N and Jake begin to walk through the journey of grief together. Jake struggles with how to help, and amid this internal battle is forced to let go of the emotional barrier he'd taken years to build up.

Warnings: Kissing + mentions of death in the family + grief

A/N: So, first of all, thankful for having patience. I know it took a while for this part to get done, but I'm grateful to all of you who stuck around. Life has been rough lately, and I had to prioritize my mental health. But I'm feeling a bit better, and am excited to be back writing. With that, I didn't want to rush this story too much, as I think there are still more things to explore. Thanks for reading, and I apologize for any mistakes. There will be a third part (hopefully it will be ready to go soon)!

-------------------------------------

Exhaustion pure and true painted the skin beneath your eyes in a wash of sickly blue as the dull burn of irritation washed over your normally bright eyes. Leaning against the counter, the edge bit into your sensitive skin leaving behind a stinging sensation. Quiet knocks on the door were lost in the wave of thoughts as they crashed through your mind. Each memory threatened to pull you under, the crushing pain of reality was suffocating as it drowned out the happiness of the past. Unable to attend to the knocks that continued to fall on the door, you stared blankly ahead into the mirror, the whites of your eyes marred with angry red lines. 

…

Hearing no response, Jake twisted the knob gently before pushing open the door. Letting go of a rattling breath, he stepped into the space, the air heavy with steam as hot water continued to pour from the shower. Softly, he called your name, wanting to let you know he was there without causing you to startle. Still, there was nothing, your reflection remained unchanged as he moved closer. Unsure of what to do, Jake found himself settling into the space behind you. His hands ghosted over your hips before coming to rest on your body, one on the curve of your waist and the other low on your stomach. Pulling you back into his bare chest, he felt your body relax into his touch as your eyes fell shut. 

Jake smoothed his fingertips over your exposed skin as memories of the night before mixed with the reality of what had come to pass. The taste of your skin, the pressure of your fingers on his body, the sound of your voice as he pulled you over the edge, and of course, the promise he'd made to stand with you through it all. Pressing a kiss to your temple, he adjusted his hold on you before guiding you closer to the shower. Keeping a hand on your back, he removed his boxers before yanking back the curtain and stepping inside.

“Come on, sweetheart.” 

The low timber of his voice reverberated through your soul, giving you the strength to follow him into the swirling steam. Closing the curtain, Jake backed you up closer to the stream of falling water. Gliding the palm of his hand over your side, he threaded his fingers in your hair. With a feather-light touch, he tipped your face up to meet his. Lost in the depth of your eyes, he dipped down to capture your lips. The embrace was light, just enough to ground you both. 

Letting go of the kiss, he rested his lips gingerly in the space between your brows for just a moment before working to wet your hair. Holding you as close as he could while still giving himself room to move, Jake took his time massaging the shampoo through your strands, smoothing on the conditioner once the water ran clear.

 Step by step, Jake did what he could to help ease your stress. His only concern was you. 

…

The warm water rolled over your back as Jake’s strong hands held you upright. Releasing his hold on you to reach for the body wash, you found yourself chasing his touch. Running your hand up his front, your fingers found their way into the hair at the base of his neck. Holding him close, you allowed yourself to focus only on the feeling of him. Time seemed to stand still, but the sudden chill of the shower curtain being opened snapped you back to reality.

Water droplets rolled down your body as Jake reached for the towel on the hook nearby. Trailing along your curves with the plush fabric, he placed tender kisses on your skin as he moved, each brush of his lips sent waves of electricity running through you. Feeling him kneel before you, your eyes fell down to Jake, as he continued to take care of you in the only way he knew how. Taking your hand from his shoulder, you once again threaded your fingers through his hair. The wet strands were soft between your fingers as he turned his face toward you. The green of his eyes was muted in the light of the bathroom, and yet the same light did nothing to hide the swath of blue that adorned his under eyes. Despite his best efforts, it was clear just how deeply this was affecting him too. 

… 

The rest of the morning passed by in a blur, and true to his word, Jake walked with you through every step. Helping you to file the proper paperwork, and standing by your side as you spoke to Maverick and the rest of the team. A ball of emotion caught in his throat as he took in the haunted look that formed in your eyes as you struggled to find the right words. Phoenix was the first to move into your space, scooping you into a deep hug as the dam of emotion broke for the first time in public. 

His shoulders moved in a haphazard pattern as he fought against the tears that threatened to spill over at the sight of you crying into Phoenix’s shoulder. Needing some space, Jake made his way out of the room but didn’t go far. From his spot in the hallway, he could hear muffled voices as the others tried their best to comfort you. The cool temperature of the wall behind him seeped through the fabric of his khaki uniform as he tried to breathe through the waves of emotion that rolled in.

The metallic grind of a stiff door hinge sounded to his left and tore him from this moment of grief. Snapping his attention toward the noise, he found Maverick walking toward him. The Captain’s eyes were stormy, clearly fighting back his own reaction to the news he’d just heard. Wiping over his face, Jake stood up to his full height and turned toward his squadron leader. 

“Thought I might find you out here… how are you holding up?”

The question caught him off guard. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but this certainly wasn’t it. Discussing emotions, and letting people in, wasn’t something Jake was accustomed to doing.

“I’m fine, sir.” Jake’s voice was strained as he said the words.

“Don’t bullshit me, Seresin.” Maverick’s words were sincere in a way that leveled the younger pilot. This wasn’t a superior checking in on a subordinate, these were the words of a man who’d walked through this storm too many times in his career. That thought was sobering to Jake, and this realization began to open up the cracks that had formed in his armor. 

There was a wall with Jake, one that he’d worked years to build, one that had protected him from a great deal of sadness, disappointment, and emotional turmoil throughout the years. It had been carefully crafted out of steel but at that moment… it broke. The seams that had been welded shut were torn apart, and for the first time in years, Jake allowed himself to feel it all. The worry, the anxiety, the helplessness, the fear. 

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how… I can’t-” Jake’s shoulders began to heave with the unsteadiness of his breathing, his chest tight with panic as he tried to speak. 

…

Seeing Jake crumble, Maverick pulled the younger man into a tight embrace. Jake’s body shook with the intensity of his emotions as he fell apart. Giving Jake the space to let go, Maverick waited patiently for the right moment to speak again. Eventually, the Lieutenant pulled away, his face streaked with tears as he tried to calm his lungs. 

Keeping his attention, Maverick began to speak, “She needs you, Jake.”

“But I don’t know how to fix this, I-”

“There’s nothing to fix. You have to get that idea out of your head. She just needs you. She needs you to walk with her as she navigates this because-” Maverick’s voice wavered for a second before he could continue, “because this isn’t something you can do alone. Can you do that for her?” 

Clearing his throat, Jake inhaled deeply before he spoke, “Yes, sir.” 

“Good. Now, with that in mind, I’m going to ask Cyclone to put you both on leave for the next few days. Y/N needs you more than we do right now, and considering the situation at hand, I’m sure that he will work with me.”

“Thank you, sir.” 

…

Leaving Jake alone to collect himself, Maverick headed off toward his office to take care of the paperwork. With a few swipes of his palms over his eyes, Jake mustered up the courage to go back into the room. The door creaked as he pushed against the handle signaling his entrance and pulling everyone’s attention to him. Their concerned glances left him feeling naked and exposed, but as his eyes found you across the room nothing else mattered. With just a few long strides, Jake made his way over to you, your arms encircling his frame as he pulled you into a hug. 

“You ready to go, sweetheart?”

Unable to speak, you simply shook your head yes. Giving the rest of the group a quick nod over the top of your head, he turned you back toward the door, his hands never leaving your body as you walked together. The future was a blurry mix of certainties and unknowns at that moment. Both were equally terrifying and together they created a blinding slurry of emotion, but Jake held onto one thought as his anchor. 

No matter what happened, no matter how ugly or unsettling it got, he wasn’t going anywhere. You’d weather this storm together. 

[kalisburnerphone]

1 Shot // Haruchiyo Sanzu

CW: mentions of Bipolar 1 Disorder, mental health, alcohol consumption, slight codependency. it’s mainly just a vulnerable piece.

Not sure what the word count is either.

Artwork is not mine, full credits to the owner.

music rec- 1 Shot, Mood - DPR IAN

Sanzu felt like shit, he really did. He didn’t want to feel like this but it was one of those days where the depressive lows came before the manic highs and he couldn’t deal. He needed you but you were at home while Mikey had sent him and the Haitanis to Seoul to sort out an issue with one of their connects. It’s been two months since he’s held you, touched you, kissed you and fuck he knows it’s wrong but he couldn’t help how dependent he’d gotten to you.

When Sanzu had first come clean about his bipolar 1 disorder, he was surprised that you weren’t appalled by it. Sure he never really made much of an effort at relationships before you but the ones he did want to try with had all bolted when they found out why he’d pop pills so often. The pills had made him feel like shit but they had helped regulate his moods and kept his manic side at bay. You didn’t bolt and run for the hills like he’d expected, just grabbed him by the hand and pulled him back down on the bed stuffing his face in your chest and reassuring him that you were there and you weren’t going to leave.

He’d been stuck in his hotel room for the past two days , barely touched the food Rindou had sent to his room. Doesn’t remember the last time he showered or shaved since he started dipping. Sanzu knows he shouldn’t be mixing alcohol with his meds but it’s all he can do to numb what’s he’s feeling.

The sound of his room door opening goes unnoticed and that’s how you find him, shirtless on a loveseat with a half finished glass of whiskey between his fingers. He has his eyes locked on the view of the city provided by the ceiling to floor windows.

You don’t make your presence know, not sure if he’s actually noticed that you’re here or if he’s lost in his head. You clean up around the room, change the sheets on his bed and run a bath using the lavender bath bomb from the set on the bathroom sink. Easing your way back into the bedroom, you move in front of him taking the unfinished whiskey from his hand and resting it on the table besides him. The look in his eyes is enough to let you know that he’s not really present in his mind.

Cupping his cheeks in your hands you press your lips to his. It takes a few minutes of continuous pecks to his lips before you feel him reciprocating,feel him coming out from the depths of his mind.

“Princess?”

“Hi,baby.” You smile at him as he takes time to process that you’re really in front of him-that he hadn’t imagined you walking through the door of his hotel room.

“What’re you doing here?”

“It’s nice to see you too, Haru.” You tease, raising up and pulling him with you as he lets you lead him towards the bathroom.

“Rin called, said you’d been a mood lately but he couldn’t quite figure it out. I didn’t really dwell on it cause I know you but, then you stopped calling, stopped texting or returning any of mine…that’s when I noticed. Ran called as I was booking my flight and said that he’d already handled everything, just get my ass on the flight and here I am.”

You smile as you help him out of his clothes and push him in the direction of the filled tub. As he settles in the warm water, you unclasp one of the grabber clips holding your hair up and use it to hold the longer strands of his hair up.

“ ‘m sorry. It just hit me outta nowhere and I knew you had that big work project going on…I didn’t want to bother you with my issues.”

You don’t give him an immediate answer, instead opting to slip out off the outfit you’re wearing and ask him to move back a bit. The tubs big enough for you to settle on his lap and once again cup his face in your hands.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t need to apologize for things that are out of your control? Yes, that work project was important but above all you’re the most important person in my life Haru. I’m here for you, as long as you’ll have me.” You state before pressing kisses all over his face until you feel him relax and slump against the tub. His hold on your body is tight, like he’s afraid you’ll disappear if he doesn’t hold you close.

“I love you,” it’s faint, but the with the way he has you pressed against him; you hear him loud and clear.

“…I know that I don’t say it often but I need you to know that I love you and I’m grateful to have you by my side.”

“I love you too, baby. Even if you don’t say it often, I know. It shows in the little things you do for me like making sure my favorite cereal is always in the cupboard despite thinking cereal for breakfast is a crime. Ensuring that I get home safely every day whether it’s doing it yourself or getting one of the boys or your driver to do so. It’s in the way you always put me on the inside of the pavement whenever we go on those little walks.”

You could go on about all the ways in which your boyfriend makes you feel loved and cherished. Haruchiyo might not be some angel but your boyfriend’s extra curricular activities were not your business. What mattered to you was that he was happy and healthy. People do what they have to do to survive and as far as you know, your boyfriend has a corporate office job that requires a lot of late nights and frequent travelling.

By the time you’re both out of the tub, your fingers have begun to prune. He wraps you in one of the big fluffy towels before pulling you back into the room with him. You’re being pulled onto his lap once he’s settled on the bed, lips trailing across your shoulder, up the side of your neck and across your cheek before he pecks your lips. You know it’s nothing sexual, just his need to have you close to feel your warmth against him; to remind himself that despite the darkness and the shit he feels, that you’re there for him. That little bit of light at the end of the tunnel whenever he’s to lost in his own head to get out alone.

“I’m gonna put a ring on this finger, y’know.” It’s soft the way he says it that you almost miss it as he fiddles with your ring finger. “Might not be today or tomorrow but I’m gonna make you my wife.” he continues, pressing a kiss to the palm of your hand as your other hand plays with his hair.

Not much needed to be said in moments like this and he would never admit that he enjoys how much you listen to him rant. You’re always attentive and aware of his wants and needs that words aren’t always a necessity between you both, You don’t say much the rest of the night, just little inserts where you deem necessary until you feel him yawn against your exposed chest. You knew he never slept when his moods shifted and that he’d been out for a few hours before he woke you up for other activities.

“Get some sleep, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Ya promise?” he mumbles trying to push himself further into your chest.

“Promise, I’ll always be here.” a soft kiss to his forehead and you feel him sigh contentedly.

“Forever and Always?”

“Always and Forever,Haru.”

[sherlockianscholar]

part 2 (1991-1995): the saga of jeremy brett through the scuttlebutt archives

go here for part one!

since 1971, sherlockian and baker st irregular, peter blau has published a small "gossip" sheet for all sherlock holmes news under publication of the "Scuttlebutt from the Spermaceti Press." after the advent of computers, peter started digitizing all his sheets from 1985 onward.

we are now officially in the later stage of granada's sherlock holmes. production was driven by the desire to make large profits. thus, the quality of the show took a significant dip. our only remaining constants were jeremy and edward. but their acting stood strong even through significant trials and tribulations. by 1991, jeremy's health (mentally and physically) would continue to worsen dramatically, which ultimately led to his death in 1995.

March 1991: mmmm, not sure he's joking there

October 1991: jeremy finally commits to doing all of the stories

January 1992: first of all, Y I K E S. this is so messed up and homophobic to sherlock holmes. why, because of his usual celibacy?and "to the relief of fans who have wondered about his bachelor lifestyle." what the fuck.

this might be reading too much into it, but i think it might've been a jab at jeremy's sexuality. He had (at least) two long-term homosexual relationships: gary bond (1969-1976) and paul shenar (~1973-1978). while jeremy never publicly came out as bisexual, his relationship with gary bond was considered "one of the first relatively out" couples in the acting world. at least in the industry, it was common knowledge.

now i'm going to wildly speculate, so here goes. jeremy and joan married in 1976, which is also when jeremy and gary bond broke up. it's unknown how long jeremy and joan dated prior to their wedding. reportedly, jeremy dated paul shenar from 1973-1978 (and they remained close friends until paul died of aids in 1989), which overlaps with jeremy and joan's marriage. jeremy and joan spent a lot of time apart, with her in the usa and him in manchester. now, i don't think jeremy would EVER cheat on joan. but, i wonder if they had an open relationship (or maybe some form of polyamory). mind you, i have nothing to back that up, but it's something i've wondered about before.

circa 1993: this is the earliest article i've been able to find on jeremy's mental illness, which still makes me wonder when his difficulties became public. the details of his psychotic break in this article are heartbreaking to read.

as stated prior, linda pritchard (the interviewee) was jeremy's companion/probable girlfriend for the last seven years of his life. they met backstage during the secret of sherlock holmes. linda approached jeremy for help raising money for cancer research, which he naturally supported with a passion. she nursed and took care of him. she provided life-saving mental support and no matter how painful or how much jeremy's bipolar lashed out, she made sure he felt safe and loved. she's kind of controversial because she's written a lot of books about jeremy. firstly, she doesn't actually profit off them at all--she just wants to share jeremy's story. and at the end of the day, who cares? that woman loved and protected jeremy during the most vulnerable chapter of his life. she was there till the end. she will always have my respect.

March 1993: okay, sean day-lewis, you have no idea what you're talking about and your views are bad.

June 1993: we have 1 hour episodes back! but it's too little, too late.

July 1993: happy birthday, young michael! according to the sherlock holmes society of st. charles, "jeremy became very fond of the young boy by his side and they corresponded for many years. his father was one of the leaders of the chester baskerville society and editor of the devonshire chronicle."

on a heavier note, this is the beginning of the end. jeremy's health began slipping faster and faster. as did the the future of granada's sherlock holmes. once again, what could've been if jeremy hadn't gotten ill?

September 1993: okay, so there's a lot to unpack here.

firstly, they label jeremy as "a heavy drinker." this is the only thing/quote i know of that could approach that statement:

"i started drinking champagne as a kind of celebration to lift my spirits. it started with just a glass in my bath, and grew until i needed a whole bottle to put me to sleep at nights. well, that was getting entirely out of hand, and it had to stop." -jeremy brett during the beginning of granada

but i don't think that really spells out "heavy drinker" or "alcoholic."

secondly, jeremy's physical illness has become extremely noticeable and is officially out of the bag. but not the specifics. "jeremy brett has been struck down by a crippling illness." he "was taking medication for most of the day and at one stage had an oxygen mask to help him breathe." jeremy is now "suffering from pleurisy," which a granada spokesperson "confirmed" was true. but they were only the symptoms of a far greater problem--jeremy's heart disease and the lithium poisoning/complications that led to it.

November 1993 #1: and now we're calling it an "asthma attack." again, stating a symptom, but failing to understand how that piece fits into the big picture.

November 1993 #2: the big picture is revealed (except for the key piece of info--that this was because of the lithium). granada's june wyndham-davies (and presumably the rest of the major staff) remained publicly optimistic.

December 1993

February 1994

Spring 1994: JEREMY BRETT BREAKS HIS CONTRACT WITH GRANADA

March 1994: another psych ward stay. although it says that jeremy had a "nervous breakdown" in 1986, it's highly probable that it was actually a psychotic break. i believe the quote below is about the article cited above, but i'm not certain b/c i don't have an exact date for this quote nor do i have the article in question:

"i went there to pick him up, and two tabloid newspaper men, from the sun, had actually been clever enough to use his real name at the door, which is jeremy huggins. they went up to his bedroom where he was waiting for me, burst in with a camera, and said, 'we have come to see if you have got aids.' he kicked them out." -june wyndham-davies

April 1994: "i have bounced back like bambi," said brett. "i'm as fit as a fiddle, though still a little fragile." if only...

his second psych ward stay in a month. jeremy's lithium poisoning becomes public. (i'm on lithium! which literally saved my life. when i was first prescribed it, a nurse actually sat me down to make sure i knew how serious potential complications could be if i didn't adhere to exactly what the doctors told me. that never happened with any other medication.)

when the very last episode of jeremy brett's sherlock holmes premiered: "after completing 'the cardboard box', jeremy brett was back in the hospital--a mental hospital. in his own self-effacing way he called it 'the nuthouse.' when the memoirs was screened in britain, the man who was sherlock holmes failed to see his own last series because he was in a ward where the other patients preferred to watch another station. jeremy brett deferred to their choice of viewing." -david stuart davies from bending the willow

June 1994: jeremy continues to remain optimistic

December 1994: even though jeremy was incredibly ill, he decided to try and continue acting as best he could. "after mad dogs and englishmen, he had to renounce the fine projects proposed to him: the role of ebenezer scrooge at the national theater with a script by john mortimer, a season in chichester and the role of professor higgins in a new version of my fair lady. he hoped to at least to be the voice of a deer or an elephant in a future disney cartoon, but even this modest ambition proved impossible." (ACD encyclopedia)

can you even imagine how delightful jeremy would've been as a disney character? that would've been priceless.

January 1995: at this point, i believe jeremy began to realize he was dying

February 1995: jeremy is "on the mend"

July 1995: jeremy is forcibly retired from acting

September between 3rd-11th 1995: jeremy's doctor told him that he needed a heart transplant. jeremy's reply, “that's too dramatic, darling, even for me.”

September 12, 1995: peter jeremy huggins dies at the age of 61

“bless your darling hearts. much love, keep warm and dry and if you see him whisking around the corner – you know who, SH – then wave, because that’s all you’ll see of him. bless his darling heart, isn’t he wonderful, streets ahead of us – still.” -jeremy brett, 1995

and bless your darling heart, jeremy. thank you for everything.

[growandrecover]

hi,

im really scared bc im officially ✨overweight✨ and my ed has just been #triggered. any tips on how to avoid relapse?

Hey, anon.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm really proud of you for reaching out and actively trying to avoid relapse. That's wonderful.

First up, if you can, stop weighing yourself, measuring, body checking, or anything else you may be doing. Your weight does not say anything about you. Absolutely nothing. If you're concerned about your BMI specifically (which I know a lot of people with eds get caught up in), it's all a bunch of garbage. It was made based off of cis white men, and does not take muscle mass into consideration. Even if you happen to be a white amab person, it's still a joke. If you can't stop completely, try to limit what you're doing.

Next, please make sure you're eating all your meals and snacks. My therapist has told me to do this, and I'm passing along the information to you guys. If you have to, set a schedule for yourself and stick to it with the best of your ability.

If you're someone who used exercise to lose weight in the past/if you exercise currently, you may want to lay off that until you're in a better headspace. Going along with this, if you wear a Fitbit or Apple Watch of any kind, taking it off may help avoiding triggers like your daily step count, calories burned, and your other exercise levels. I wore one for almost a year and took it off a few months ago. Surprisingly enough, my quick dips back into some of my ed behaviors have stopped. I finally realized that those triggers sitting on my wrist 24/7 had been messing with my head.

If you're able to/not already, get an adequate amount of sleep. I think we all know what happens when we stay up too late, letting our minds wander into our ed thoughts in the middle of the night. Low levels of sleep interfere with our mental health, which, in times like these, needs to be extra nurtured.

Try to look at it from someone else's point of view. If someone you knew came to you with this exact problem, what would you say? Would you want them to be kind to their body, to fuel it, and to take care of it? Probably, right? Or if that's hard for you to say to yourself, wouldn't you just want them to be free of their eating disorder?

This is pretty harsh, but your ed is trying to hurt you. It's trying to kill you. Whatever it needs to say to get you to engage in those behaviors, it will. It'll tell you that you're not as [adjective of your choice] or [another adjective of your choice] when you weigh more than you have in the past, but that's simply not true. As I said earlier, your weight is just a number. You deserve recovery. You deserve happiness. You deserve a life free of food rules and that nasty voice in your head.

If you're scared, I'm here to tell you: your ed will not fix anything. Losing weight will not fix the idea of yourself you have in your head, and won't make you magically like your body more. It wants you to think it will, but it won't. It only makes your life worse.

Something that helps me is looking at recovery posts on Pinterest or Tumblr. I love being able to see other people's thoughts and encouragement. It always inspires me to keep going, and I hope it'll do the same for you, too.

Whatever it is that triggered you is not worth all the pain and suffering that comes with an ed. I don't care if it was something somebody said or just a thought you had. Nothing is worth going back to your ed.

You can do this. I believe in you.

I really hope this was at least a little bit helpful, and I hope you're okay, anon. If you're not right now, you will be.

If I missed something, or you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message! ♡

[candyfloss-esophagus]

Heyo, it's me! Not being late for once!

Okay, ask game time! (not holding back this time so get ready!)

These are all for Crying Wolf, cause I'll never be normal about it <3

☼

☄

✄

♡

☠

☾

☽

∞

★

(I know you've answered similar questions about the fic before, so feel free to skip those if you don't wanna answer them again <3 )

Hey, thanks for the ask!! I'm sure I have answered similar questions in the past but fortunately for you, my brain is a sieve that has been thrown over the edge of a waterfall.

☼: how i came up with the idea

I didn't actually come up with the idea all by myself, I'm part of the noirpunk discord server that regularly has little round robin fics and snippets that everyone can add onto. In its very early days, we were discussing what would happen if there were a symbiote that was virtually undetectable (and also, tangentially, what would happen if Hobie became infected) and I was so intrigued by this concept that I asked to use it in an actual fic!

☄: what the writing process was like

Arduous. Writing is like pulling teeth for me lol and Crying Wolf is certainly no outlier. I wrote chronologically whenever I had the time to sit down and think about it, but I had it vaguely planned out from the get-go. The only thing was that I added in another chapter -- chapter four was never meant to exist! I was going to shove everything that happened in chapter four and five in together but that seemed like a little much.

✄: something i deleted before the final draft

I post on a chapter by chapter basis because I'm too impatient to keep an entire wip to myself (trying to change that!) but there was going to be a scene where the symbiote was explicitly purged from Hobie. I decided not to write it because of medical semantics and how it would have made it even longer and also because my mental health was like a raft strapped together by duct tape at that point in the year.

♡: my favorite part

My favourite part is the end bit and Peter's conversation with Hobie because that was the thing that the server went into most detail about when we were cooking up the whole concept. I love thinking back to that night so much!

☠: something i found challenging

Fucking writing the damn thing lol. Motivation is very tricky for me and finishing what I start is even moreso (ta adhd!) but we got there in the end!!! As mentioned before, writing is difficult for me and I'm not actually a very good writer so trying to get it to a standard that I felt honoured what we had originally come up with in the server was definitely a challenge.

☾: how i thought people would respond to the fic

I.. didn't? Getting comments is so incredibly rare and special to me and the fact that I get so many purely because I write the most for noirpunk on ao3 is WILD.

☽: how people *actually* responded

Well they responded for a start lol. I got veritable essays on how bad I made people feel and theories for how it would progress and how well done the whole thing was and people from the server cheering me on and even one person who only investigated for the cannibalism, and were grossed out by it which is incredible. It was just a torrent of warmth and love and it was so confusing to me at the time but so important now looking back. It was an awful time for me and my life and having all those comments and responses was so special.

∞: something i wish i’d done differently

I read back on it a few days ago and it all seems so superficial to me now, so suffice to say most things and be done with it there.

★: something i’m proud to have accomplished

Just fuckin. Writing it. Finishing it. Impacting people's lives with it. That's why I write that's why I do this. And it was my first foray into more violent stuff so I'm glad I started it by diving in headfirst instead of just dipping my toes in.

Thank you for the ask! Ask game for any other fics of mine that you care to hear about is here, the fic Crying Wolf is here, and I hope you have a lovely day!!

[epitomees]

What's something you wish to improve?

What are your biggest (personal) Tumblr crushes?

Questions for the mun

What's something you wish to improve?

((Oh there's a lot I can still improve on both as a writer and as a mun too. I think one thing I want to work on more is reaching out to new followers, or even mutuals whom I've never interacted with since I followed them. Lately it's been difficult on my end due to IRL situations coming in the way, and in turn making me kind of isolate away from others since I want to take care of myself more. That in turn has affected me trying to start conversations with new people, or old people I've never talked to before.

It's all about managing my time to myself and when I want to chat with other people. I know, and I understand VERY WELL, how anxiety-inducing it is to strike up a chat with a new follower to try and plot something out. That's why I always tend to try and be the one who reaches out first, because well...I'm a big ole extrovert and I just want to make new friends whenever I can! So I want to adopt all the introverts here, be as friendly as I can, all while I'm still maintaining my own mental/emotional health and taking care of myself when I need it.))

What are your biggest (personal) Tumblr crushes?

((Oh PERSONAL you say...okay well, there are a few I can name off!

For starters, you are definitely one of them, Lea. When I first dipped my toes into Persona RPC, and well before I even made a Persona blog, you were one of the first blogs to follow me and interact with me over on the Vivi blog. I remember how excited I was when it happened because I saw so many other blogs mention your blog and how great it was and how cool the mun was so I felt ECSTATIC when you followed me! I had a really rad person following me and now I could throw my own muses at yours to see how well they meshed together. Lo and behold, you're just as much of a nerd as me and I love you so so much!

Then there's @darckcarnival! My meme husband, the meme father, the big green teddy bear, he is LITERALLY one of the best friends I have ever made by being in the Tumblr RPC. I was still a little newbie at Tumblr RPC when we first interacted with each other, and MAN I can remember way back when how nervous I was to start talking with him because he was another well-known blog in the community we were in. And then ONCE AGAIN, I come to find out he's just a sappy, lovey-dovey, mushy nerd who adores his friends and needs to be shaken around a little bit. It's been well over 10 years now since we've known each other, and I still feel so lucky I get to call him one of my closest friends.

Lastly, for now as I don't want to make this post long, there's @townofcadence!! Love, love, love, LOOOOOOOOVE TRISTAN!!! I love this mun so so much, and you have no idea how happy I was to find out he was still hanging around Tumblr and writing on a different blog. This is a mun I've known for a very long time too, back in the beginning of the very first MSA days. Tristan is an absolute sweetheart, with a kind personality and a very friendly demeanor. Not to mention, GOD HIS WRITING IS BOMBASS AWESOME!! I remember the times we stayed up REAL LATE at times because we were writing these REALLY intense threads, making the dashboard and other blogs scream at us, but it was SO WORTH the little sleep we got that day. He also inadvertently helped me develop and improve my own writing style, without me even realizing it. So GO GIVE HIM A LOT OF LOVE!! HE DESERVES ALL OF IT!!!))

[tendercherie]

Babes I'm so confused. Idk what to do.

My sister is trying to set me up with this dude from her work. At first I said no. I'm terrifed of romanic relationships. I've never even kissed anyone. I've only been on one date, which went horrible. She got our Mom involved and Mom's been encouraging me to give him a chance. Ik my family just wants me to be happy. And also I have v bad mental health problems. So ik they'd like if I had someone else who would help "take care" of me and support me if anything were to happen to them. I talked to my therapist about this. She suggested I give him a chance. That it will be good for me and help me work on my anxiety. And she reminded me if I don't like him I don't ever have to see/talk to him again. Amy (my therapist) also encouraged me bc I think I'll ruin his life if things were to work out between us. She said that's thinking WAY to far ahead. I should just worry about texting with him first and seeing if we get along. And she reminded me that him and I could always just be friends. So I told my sister I'd give him a chance. She said okay. She told him about me. Idk what that means. The only things I can think that she'd tell him are all my red flags. She also said she showed him a full body photo of me. There are v few of those bc I'm v fat and do not like my body. She said his response to seeing the photo was "personality is more important then looks." Which makes me think he doesn't find me attractive. So my sister gave him my number. It's been 6 days. He has not messaged me. I'm fucking stressed tf out. I'm so anxious waiting for him to message me. It's driving me crazy. I've asked my sister to ask him why he hasn't messaged yet. His response was that he's been busy with work and he doesn't use his phone at work. And he gets out of work REALLY late. Like 11:30pm. He told my sister he did think of texting me after work the other night but he said that I shouldn't be texting someone I don't know that late. I keep asking my sister if she sees him at work and she gets mad at me. Today I asked if she could find out if he's ever gonna message me. She yelled at me. Saying I'm "clingy" and I haven't even met him yet. And that I can't blame it on my BPD bc I can "control it." I just - Idk what to do at this point. I'm overthinking everything. I'm anxious every time my phone dings. I'm afraid to take a nap or go to the store in fear that he'll message me and I'll take to long to answer and then he'll get mad and not want to talk to me anymore. I'm trying so hard to be "normal" about this. But everything about this situation stresses me out. I just wanna cry. I've had a shit month on top of that. My friend Sarah tells me to just try to not worry and be excited about getting to know him. But what if he just took my number to be nice to my sister? Idk what to do. How long do I wait for him? Do I wait for him? What should I do?

Honestly, my love, it does not seem like you’re ready to dip your toes in romantic waters…

By forcing you to be open to being set up with someone, your sister is just setting you up for failure, no matter how pure her intentions are.

My best advice is to try to clear your mind of the situation and your anxiety surrounding it by staying busying with things that make you feel happy, fulfilled and at peace. If you hear from him, great! If not, you shouldn’t spiral because you have no idea if he was in the right mindset to date either.

[0celesteisthebest0]

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while but I haven’t had any time as a late so better late than never right! I got inspired by @saradika from the stardust reblog challenge she is doing at the moment. But instead of doing it monthly I decided to do a whole masterlist of the fics I’ve read since making this blog! I haven’t had a lot of time to read and comment lately so I hope this masterlist can show my appreciation!

Also this fic rec masterlist comes with a warning a majority of these works are 18+ please respect this warning and do not read this content if you are underage.

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—Aaron Hotchner—

Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity by @maybege​ 

Summary: As the newest addition to the BAU you have a hard time feeling confident in your new position – especially when you very attractive and very divorced boss keeps doubting. But when you finally get the chance to prove yourself, Aaron Hotchner’s opinion of you did not seem to be so bad in the first place. 

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!Reader

Rating: E (18+ only!)

Warnings/Tags: Older Man/Younger Woman, Boss/Employee Relationship, slow burn, yearning, canon-typical violence, canon divergence

—Benny Miller—

Benny miller headcanons part 1, part 2 and part 3 by @softanon​ 18+

Summary: A list of wonderful headcanons that get into the character of Benny miller from his childhood to military life. Dia goes into the complex relationship he has with Will and in relationships.

Warnings/Tags :  Mentions of violence and blood, language, mention of sex, Fem! reader Implied in part 3.

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Benny thots by @softanon

Summary:  Untitled semi-public sex with Benny Miller/fem!reader. 18+ only.

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You can do that on purpose part 1 and part 2 by @softanon​ 

Summary:  Benjamin Miller learns a curious fact about vaginal sex he was previously unaware of. Set about ten years before the movie. 

Warnings/tags :Benny/fem!reader, 18+. Sexual topic of conversation, swearing, friends with benefits, conversations about sexual health/birth control, swearing, mention of alcohol, vaginal sex (fingering and PIV), dirty talk.

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La primera fiesta by @marvelousmermaid

Pairing: Benny Miller x Latina!Reader

Summary: Benny is finally going to attend a family event with you and it makes you so nervous. He’s already met the important and immediate family sure but this is a cousin’s birthday party and Benny will stand out.

Warnings: food/eating mentions, comments toward male body (not technically negative. iykyk), overbearing Tìas!

—Boba Fett—

Arise, ascend by @zinzinina 18+

Summary:  They don’t tell you much when they take you to Boba Fett’s palace. Only that he needs a healer, and you happened to be the first one they’d found. You’ve heard his name whispered plenty of times, enough that you’re prepared to hate him; fight him; hurt him if necessary, despite your fear. You’re wrong.

Pairing:  Boba Fett x F!Reader

Warnings/tags: Apparent abduction, description of injuries, mention of canon-typical violence, slow burn, eventual smut, age difference.

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Midnight special  by @maybege​ 18+

Summary: After an exciting fling in a bar, you and Boba enter a secret relationship that mostly takes place in motels where you pay for the hour. But when your friend invites you to her family’s BBQ, you meet under drastically different circumstances.

Pairing: hot dad!Boba x fem!Reader

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Sick hcs by @saradika

Summary:  “What the bucketheads would do if you were feeling really sick, but you didn’t want to tell them?”

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Skinny dipping with Boba by @zinzinina​

 Pairing: Boba Fett x F!Reader

Warnings: The tiniest bit of non-explicit nudity

—Din Djarin—

Seed pearls by @zinzinina

Pairing: Din Djarin x F!Reader

Rating: Explicit 18+

Warnings: Arranged marriage, mention of death, mild canon-typical violence, descriptions of abduction, unprotected PIV sex, contraceptive conversation, clothed male/unclothed female, oral sex (male receiving), vaginal fingering, inexperienced reader, aftercare.

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Sleepy sex  by @saradika

Pairing: Mand’alor Din Djarin x F!Reader

Warnings/Tags: somno, oral (m and f receiving), established relationship (married), PiV, lots of fluff

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Sick hcs @saradika

Summary:  “What the bucketheads would do if you were feeling really sick, but you didn’t want to tell them?”

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Idyllic by @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Din Djarin x (f) reader

Warnings: 18+, explicit, uhhh lots of praise and body worship, tons of fluffy smut, p in v sex

Summary: waking up with Din is best when you have nowhere to be.

—Ezra (Prospect)—

The mirror @littleferal

Rating: explicit. Warnings: anal sex, cockwarming, edging, ezra has his own tag, dirty talk, mirror sex, sex toy mention (nipple & clit clamps) but no actual use

Excerpt To say this isn’t what you imagined when you first found the mirror would only be half a lie. Oh you’d known Ezra would want to take you apart slowly, but you hadn’t thought it’d be like this.

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Trust by @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Ezra (Prospect) x reader

Warnings: none, pining, fluff fluff fluff

Summary: the inherent intimacy of sharing space

—Fennec Shand—

Songbird by @writeforfandoms

Warnings: Some violence, nothing explicit. Very overwhelmed reader.

Pairing: Fennec Shand x GN! reader

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I’ll be your princess too by @tiffdawg

Pairing: Fennec Shand x Reader (fem; no y/n)

Rated: E  | Warnings: NSFW – explicit sexual content, Fennec gives the strap, cum as lube, squirting, oral sex (f receiving), dirty talk. Open relationships; reader is also involved with Boba Fett. Mild language. 18+ only.

—Frankie ‘ Catfish’ Morales—

Sleep @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Francisco Morales (Frankie, Catfish) x reader

Warnings: 18+ for mature audiences only!! sexual content (lots of grinding and kisses and dry humping, there are so many words and somehow no actual sex sorry about that), implications of PTSD/trauma, lots of cuddles and intimacy and fluff

Summary: sleeping with someone in a non-sexy way is as intimate as sleeping with them in a sexy way, at least for Francesco. You make him want both, despite the vulnerability

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Catch by @scribbledghost

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales/Reader (no y/n, gender neutral)

Warnings: none

Summary: Frankie finds a friend in the yard and wants to show you.

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Frankie thots @littleferal 18+

Summary : Frankie saying something that makes you laugh in surprise while you two are in the middle of it and he gasps, stilling in his movements before looking up at you in something akin to awe for a moment. 

Pairing : Frankie Morales x reader 

—Marcus Moreno—

thinking with Marcus by @ohheyitsokay​

Summary: Soulmate AU where you could hear fragments of what your soulmate is thinking of

Warnings: a little angst, brief mention of Marcus’ wife passing

Pairing: Marcus Moreno x reader

—Oberyn Martell—

The day she lost her heart @captainstormborn

Pairing: Oberyn Martell x Ellaria Sand

Warnings/Tags: Hurt no comfort, Major Character Death, Oneshot. 

—Paz Vizla—

A little piece of heaven by @maybege

Summary: Williamsdale hates people “like him” and Paz hates Williamsdale, so it’s a perfect fit. Content with living from day to day, Paz’s life takes a sharp turn when he meets you and he is reminded of the life he once dreamed of. But navigating a new relationship can be hard when there is an unplanned pregnancy that makes things even more unpredictable.

Pairing: biker!Paz Vizsla x teacher!fem!Reader

Rating: E(18+ only!) 

Tags/Warnings: Modern AU, Biker AU, unplanned pregnancy,

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Tattoos with Paz by@ohheyitsokay

Summary: where your soulmate's name appears as a tattoo, with Paz

Pairing: Paz Vizla x Fem!Reader

Warnings/Tags: 18+ description of piv sex, oral sex, fingering, rapidly falling in love

—Poe Dameron—

Red string with Poe by @ohheyitsokay

Summary:  Poe and red string of fate

Pairing: Poe Dameron x reader

Warnings/ Tags : death mention, canon-typical violence, angst with a happy ending

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Directions by @zinzinina

Pairing: Poe Dameron x F!Reader

Rating: Explicit 18+

Warnings: Experience vs. inexperience, descriptions of sex-related anxiety and insecurity, praise kink, encouragement kink, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected PIV, overstimulation, implied cum eating. Anything you think I’ve forgotten that needs to be flagged, please let me know.

—Triple Frontier—

Poly frontier by @ohheyitsokay

Summary: A masterlist full of wonderful poly frontier fics! Contains a list of immersive stories that expand on the relationships between Will (Ironhead) Miller, Santiago (Pope) Garcia, Francisco (Catfish) Morales, Ben (Benny) Miller, and a female reader.

Warning: All works go under 18+, accept this warning!!

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Delayed gratification by @softanon

Summary: Sending the TF boys lewds/nudes while they’re busy

Warnings/Tags:  18+, gn!reader. Separate thots for Will, Santiago, Frankie, and Benny. Language and non-explicit allusions to naughty pics/audio sent to one’s lover. 

—Jack “Whiskey” Daniels—

Multitudes by @scribbledghost

Summary:  The Statesman techs have managed to create a window into another universe. A window that just so happens to appear in your kitchen. Before long, you and Whiskey both find yourselves developing feelings that appear to span across time and space itself. Multitudes chronicles the relationship of one smitten cowboy and his interstellar lover.

Pairing: Jack ‘Whiskey’ Daniels x reader 

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Fragile normality by @scribbledghost

Summary: Just a few weeks after the events of Shadows, you finally go back into town to see what damage has been done. Over the next few weeks, you spend time trying to decide whether to reveal your Minotaur lover’s existence to your neighbors, and Jack wrestles with the emotional repercussions of what he did to keep you safe during the mimic creature invasion.

Pairing: Minotaur!Agent Whiskey x Reader

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Forgotten creatures by @scribbledghost

Pairing: Minotaur!Agent Whiskey x Reader 

Summary: While their patented AlphaGel treatment is still in development, one Agent Whiskey becomes its first human test subject. But goes terribly wrong, and he comes back from the dead as something not quite human - a modern Minotaur. Years after he’s abandoned in a Statesman basement, he becomes a myth, a legend no one seriously expects to exist. One day you venture inside his lair, urged on by your peers to see if you can find the “Statesman Monster”. What you find instead is something very different and distinctly human.

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Agent whiskey masterlist by @scribbledghost

Summary: I’ve read the majority of Ghosts Whiskey works and this masterlist right here is a comprehensive love letter in a way to a character the movie didn’t give props to! This masterlist is just beautiful and contains tons of whiskey works!

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Tennessee Waltz @softanon

Summary: Jack Daniels remembers dancing.

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Honeysuckle by @softanon

Warnings/Tags: Implied fem reader. Kissing and oral sex, a hint of overstimulation. 18+ only

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Sleeping habits by @littleferal

Summary: A list of sleeping headcanons regarding Agent Whiskey

Warnings/Tags: mention of anxiety, co-dependency and separation issues. mild angst

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Teasing by @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x reader

Warnings/Tags: extremely mild implications of sex at some point, kissing and cuddles 

Summary: the power you hold over Jack Daniels lies in the fact that he adores you

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Just us by @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x (f) reader

Warnings/Tags: discussion of not wanting children, brief mention of trauma (the accident), brief mentions of sex, generally sweet and cozy

Summary: Jack and you both grow into what you want (and don’t want?) for the future

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Letters of consent by @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Jack Daniels x (f) reader

Warnings: 18+ , strong language, sex-pollen (but ✨consensual✨), p v sex, oral sex (f receiving), filth, elle not knowing how to write smut like a normal person

Summary: elle's therapist brain went off the rails again and this is what came of it. Jack needs someone to sign his papers and the only one he wants in a time of crisis is you.

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Singing with Whiskey by @ohheyitsokay

Summary: You can hear your soulmate sing.

Pairing: Whiskey x reader 

Warnings/Tags: brief mentions of trauma?

—Javier Peña—

Curriculum Vitea @tiffdawg

Summary: After leaving Colombia and retiring from the DEA, Javier Peña steps into a new role as a university professor. A woman with multiple degrees and more books than you can count, you meet Javier as you similarly struggle with the future of your career. Despite your odds, the two of you find something you need in each other during uncertain times.

Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader (fem; no y/n)

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How Javi met… by @jedifarmerr

F!Reader (no y/n, no physical description, established backstory).

Rating: E (18+)

Warnings: mostly set post-season 3. Slow burn, kinda enemies to friends to lovers, eventual smut, semi-accurate timeline - cannon compliant. language, drinking, smoking. Sexual situations. Age gap is ambiguous (Both reader & Javi’s age never explicitly stated).(individual warnings on each chapter)

Story is loosely based on Harry Met Sally 

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Pobreceito By @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader

Warnings: none, pining, yearning, enough fluff to fill a couch cushion

Summary: you hide that you know Spanish long enough to accidentally sort of hear Javi fall in love with you

—Will miller—

Will Miller headcanons part 1 @softanon

Summary:  Headcanons of Will and his childhood

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Patience @ohheyitsokay

Pairing: Will (Ironhead) Miller x (f)reader

Warnings/Tags: 18+, explicit, edging, piv sex, oral (m receiving) gosh. just a lot of fluffy filth. I'm not even sorry, but let me know if I should add anything

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Touching and tattoos with Will by @ohheyitsokay​

 Summary: A soulmate AU with Will. Knowing your soulmate when you touch. Tattoos blossom where you touch your soulmate for the first time. 

Pairing: Will Miller x reader