#my head hurts but writing delusional tumblr posts is more important

[artydonsgf]

okay funs over pls drop asks, i’m sick, in a writing mood, and extremely bored

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[srawesleyghuewrites]

Back To You - Chapter 7

Series: Back To You(Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6)

For desktop users: masterlist

For mobile users: mobile masterlist

Pairing: Drake x MC(Anna Grey)

Faceclaim: Daniel di Tomasso as Drake Walker, Elizabeth Olsen as Anna Grey and Paul Wesley as King Liam

Book: The Royal Romance

Word Count: ~ 1700

Rating:  M for language

Prompt:

Drake and Anna finally face her decision and all the consequences that follow.

Author’s Note:

HEY EVERYBODY!!! I’VE MISSED YOU GUYS AND TUMBLR SOOOO MUCH IT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE... I’ve been away from tumblr for quite a while now, because I’ve been studying and writing like a mad woman but now along with THE ROYAL HEIR, I’M BACK!!!!!!!!!

And so is my good old Back To You fanfic, I’ve finished writing and now I’ll start posting again. It’s a lot of angst until the very end(which might me angst too???) and I hope you all like it, keep reading and comenting about that.

I’m really glad to be back and very excited to be a part of this wonderfull comunity agaaaain. So, grab your tissues and read along!

Let me know if you wanna be in or out of the tag list and I appreciate feedback!(And I’m not sure the tags are working so always check my blog for updates):

@debramcg1106 @simplyaiden-blog @lizeboredom @writtenbycandy @drakewalkerwhipped@naomisveil @nazarihoe @taliahunt @cocomaxley @mymandrake @the-everlasting-dream @honeylightningambition @walkerismychoice @drakewalkerstan@trueauthor @innerpostmentality  @liam-rhys @agent-zephyrkah  @her-imperial-hangman-s  @wolfsterrr @bluediamondsapphire @glorious-fandoms  @desperue @bellamystorms@journeytohomesworld @fanfictionrecommendations-com @liamxs-world @easyobsession @nikkis1983 @tacohead13 @findingdrake @beautifulobsessionforpink @jenp02cutie-blog  @confessionsofabrokegirl @mrsnazario1223 @trr-fangirl @littleredroseonthevalley@darley1101  @moodygrip @missevabean  @pilitella  @littlewonderbear  @queen-maximoff  @puppymaster101   @clarissafics  @boneandfur  @countrymusicandncis-blog  @damienazariostan   @mpbeaumont  @christopher-powell  @bella-ca @asprankle  @sue9659​  @american-duchess​   @parkerattano​  @ads0036  @personthatlovesshippings​   @eileendannie​

Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me(except for Anna Grey),  I just borrow them from Pixelberry!

The consequences are brutal

We never got it right

Playing and replaying old conversations

Overthinking every word and I hate it

'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)

Previously

“Liam proposed.”

“Oh…”

“An-n-nd I sa-aid no.”

The words are as blurry as her vision and Anna’s not sure why the tears are building up, maybe because that’s the first time she told this to someone or because she’s finally confessing just how deep her feelings for him go, either way her hands are starting to sweat. And the time it takes for him to express any reaction is torture, like there’s an ocean of possibilities hanging in those inches between them. She can see her future, their future being decided and it scares her every bone.

On the other side, Drake’s brain is still trying to make sense of what she just told him. Running through many different scenarios where this is a dream, a prank, if Anna is having a delusional moment or maybe if she’s really telling him the truth and she doesn’t wanna marry Liam, but Maxwell or Hana. He’s well aware of how everybody has fallen for her graces and though he doesn’t think anything happened between them, it’s way more possible than what he wishes for it to mean: that she’s not marrying Liam because she loves him and wants to be with him.

“What?”

She tries to recompose herself, breathing deep and letting the air leave her lungs along with all the hesitation from before. The decision was already made and now Anna has to own it, so she repeats the sentence in a firm tone, her green eyes filled with tears now have a gleam of confidence:

“Liam proposed to me, and I said no.”

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. It doesn’t make any sense and he barely knows what to think, even less what to say. Anna’s already growing impatient, after everything she had to go in order to get this moment and when everything’s finally arranged Drake simply freezes. She takes a step closer to him, her hand coming up to caress his arm to get his attention and it works because his dark irises shift to her fingertips touching him. However he just stands there, looking at her little affectionate move until Grey finally breaks the silence and speaks again.

“It would be nice if you said something right about…” She pretends to check a clock on her wrist “ now.”

“Wh… why?”

“You know why.”

Another step towards him and now she’s standing so close he could easily wrap his arms around her, which is why she moved at all. There’s the hint of a smile on her lips, a provocative one, hope that this will answer his unfounded question. Why the hell would she say no to Liam and then come tell him? For Anna seems pretty obvious, meanwhile Drake struggles not to get distracted with her proximity. He needs her to tell him.

“I need you to tell me Grey.”

She takes his face in her hands, forcing his eyes to find hers, both of them with sparkly tears building up. From this close she can see the how tense he’s by the way his breathing catches every now and then and he can see the loving smile that takes place on her lips. Soon touching his in a gentle kiss.

“Because I love you.”

He doesn't have time to smile and answer because somebody knocks on the door and they both jump, wondering who could that be when the sweet voice of Hana is heard in a whisper:

“Anna, Liam is looking for you and he said it was important. Sorry to disturb.”

Hana hates the fact that he has to do this, but the worry in Liam’s voice and his commendatory tone left her no choice. Maybe he was just hurt from the rejection, or maybe it was something actually serious, anyway she wouldn’t risk it.

On the other side of the door Anna and Drake exchange a look. His is a sad one, like the moment they just lived escaped through his fingers too fast and there’s nothing he can do about it. Hers is an apologetic one, hope written all over her features as she takes one last look at him before opening the door to find not only Hana but Liam standing next to them.

Hana doesn't seem to notice the king right away, not understanding the shocked look in their eyes until a deep voice comes from behind her:

“I was just coming to tell Hana it wasn't so urgent, but I guess I'm too late.”

The words cut through the air like a sharp knife, hurting more than just one heart as the guilt appears in both Anna and Drake’s faces, and the pain in Liam’s. Finding them getting out of a bedroom together definitely wasn’t on his plans and it feels like a punch to the gut, though, with his many years of training if there’s one thing he’s learned is to recompose quickly.

“Well, I was waiting to explain to you how we’re going to present you officially as a Duchess but that can wait, for I know you two have other matters to discuss.”

“Our conversation can wait too Liam, don’t worry. I’ll leave you to it.”

Drake motions to leave, however the King stops him by putting a hand on his chest,  staring at his best friend’s eyes with a mix of anger and sorrow. He got the girl of his dreams, he’s been winning her heart during the moments Liam couldn’t be there, and as happy he wants to feel for them nothing could hurt so much as the way Anna’s still staring intently at Drake, not him.

“Please Drake, I didn’t intend to disturb your moment so do not let me. Lady Hana, shall we go? I’m afraid Maxwell might do something dangerous without any supervision around.”

Hana quickly nods, a relieved smile crossing her face as she interlaces her arm with Liam’s. They engage in a conversation about the young Beaumont and leave Anna and Drake alone together with a polite wave.

The second they cross the hallway, getting out of their sight, Anna closes the door behind her attracting Drake’s attention. He looks at her through the could of pain, guilt, shame since he knows Liam to well to realize how badly they’ve hurt him.

“Did you told him about us?”

“Yes. Would you prefer I lied?”

“I don’t know Grey. All I know is that your decision crushed him.”

He brings his hands to his face in a desperate act to calm himself down from the mess they made. Now that she’s not caressing him anymore and the memories of Liam’s devastated expression just a few moments ago keep coming to him, there’s no more comfort to linger on. And Anna’s not giving him anything until he’s done with the bullshit, which is why she answers in a rispid tone.

“I’m not here to talk about him.”

“How can we not? What else is there to talk about?”

“Us Drake! We have to talk about us.”

“But Liam…”

“Why? Why do you still fight this like hell? Why do you put him between us?”

“Grey…”

“Answer me.”

Her angry tone is evident and suddenly everything feels too big right now. That’s why he doesn’t even think before blurting out:

“I don’t put him between us, that was all you.”

“Oh you want to play that game huh? Yeah Drake, I was the one who got involved with the two of you at the same time and I was the one who made Liam fall in love with me but I said no, alright? I said no to him and took him out of the equation, because it wasn’t fair to anybody. And you’re the one who doesn’t let him go.”

Anna lets out a gasp and then a dry laugh, thinking about how stupid she’s for still being there trying to make him understand that they’re free to be together. She’s not sure that this is still what he wants, the thought makes her shake her head ‘no’ to stay there and she starts to walk away from him.

Until he stops her by holding her arm gently, Drake’s eyes finally facing hers after she told him ‘I love you’ and for a moment she believes everything will fall into place. Little did she know that Drake was still confused about the situation, about how anyone would ever reject Liam to be with him, he’s still looking for a hidden reason. And being tired of the subjectivity of their talk, he decides to go straight to the point:

“Why didn’t you say yes?”

“I already told you that Drake.”

Being Liam’s shadow is a habit as old as himself, and a very hard one to turn away from so Drake can’t help but compare everything about both of them and everytime he does that, someone chooses Liam over him. It’s the obvious choice, the only choice.

“But why? It doesn’t make sense. He wants to pamper you, take you on fancy romantic dates, be the perfect gentleman. Fuck, he wants to marry you Grey, to give you a castle, a title, a crown, a whole fucking kingdom. He wants to give you a future, he can give you a future. He wants to. Liam wants everything with you.”

“And you can’t… or you don’t want to?”

Drake doesn’t know the answer, he has no idea if he’s ready to give her a whole future or if the future he can give her will be enough. The little box in his pocket makes all the situation harder, after everything he still believes she would be happier with Liam. That she should be happier with Liam and that he’s just standing in the middle, being something to distract Grey from her real destiny and love.

To Anna, his silence is answer enough and she doesn’t wait the tears forming in her eyes to fall before unhooking her arm from his hand and walking away. From not just the moment, or the fight, or Drake, but from all what they could’ve been.

To be continued...

[exos-prteam-blog]

How Kpopmeetblackwomen/kmusicblackwomen Got Popular

Omg so I always said I'd make a post regarding the history of that controversial tumblr and so today is the day! I was there when ole girl first made the tumblr and dipped when things got a little weird to me but I know why she got fans in the first place and how she's kept them. This is gonba be long so get Ready for some bulletpoints and tea!! (Cold old tea lmao)

* 2014-15 kpop tumblr was....rough...especially for black fans. Like kpop was as problematic as ever but people were coming for each other's throats for liking problematic idols, like people were acting like parents and police when it came to this. You reblogged a picture of Chanyeol??? You had atleast 2 people in your inbox wanting to know why you reblogged his picture. There were these headass "most unproblematic member in each group" lists going on lmao and there was this one person who said you were a "Baekhyun sympathizer" if you still liked the problematic lil fellow. Baekhyun has said some trashy shit HOWEVER making that parallel was doing the absolute fucking most, when someone says sympathizer you know you automatically think of Nazis. Oh! And there was also this trend of people subposting other people, telling them they don't love themselves and when they'd get called out on it, they'd backpeddle. Those people are just now admitting that the shade they threw was towards specific people.

* With that being said, the dominant black kpop tumblr was blackkpopfans and during that time it became less of a place where you could find out updates on comebacks and such and more so a place where people could list out their justified grievances towards antiblackness in kpop. The issue with that however was, it came to the point where people where beating dead horses and the environment there was very negative. Like it was multiple anons going on about how they hate gdragon or zico, which is fine, but it was 80% anons like that and 20% actual kpop content. And I think it got to the point where people were thinking like....well why are we even into kpop if it's gonna be like this???

* So that was the state of blackkpopfans and some reached out to the admins to say they didn't think the atmosphere was right and that it was really negative to which the admins replied it's not negative here, this is what our anons have to say. Which is where I side eyed the admins cuz they weren't being genuine nor truthful and they acted like the atmosphere was something they couldn't help which they most certainly could especially since they were the ones responsible for posting information about comebacks which for a while they hardly did and they often posted anons daily that literally said the same thing, like I'm telling you people were running over dead horses:old, old receipts. Also the black and teal or green color scheme was depressing and just made everything worse, it was so not appealing lmao but maybe that was just me. I personally think, if the tumblr was a black kpop fans anonymous tumblr, like the one we have now I believe, I'd cut the admins alot of slack but they called themselves a place where black fans could gather, get information on debuts and comebacks, and discuss a multitude of things good and bad, so that's why they get a side eye.

* So overall, things weren't "fun" over at blackkpopfans. It was actually getting boring too cuz like I said all the repetitiveness and lack of new information. And so guess who toostie rolls onto tumblr in 2015??? That's right, Kpopmeetblackwomen. And guess what, people FLOCKED to her why? Cuz it was like a breath of fresh air.

(THE IMPORTANT STUFF LMAO)

*Now in the very very beginning, Kpopmeetblackwomen wasn't "bad" persay. The admin, at the time, like I know she's a lil dust bunny now, but INITIALLY, admin came across as very very sweet. She was nice to all her visitors and when people asked her why she created the tumblr she said she just wanted another resource/outlet for blackkpopfans to have. She didn't think it was good that blackkpopfans was all there was especially considering what was going on over there. I think, in the beginning, she wanted black kpop fans to still have a place to enjoy themselves, cuz in the beginning she didn't bother blackkpopfans at all. So you know, everything was innocent and nice enough in the beginning. The theme was pink, white, and a lil bit of yellow? Nice and bright, the layout was attractive, things were tagged properly. People talked about how excited they were for certain groups comebacks. Comeback info for groups was actually posted. It was just a welcoming place. Along with discussions of new releases there were also fans submitting legitimate fanaccounts, and alot of them came with video or footage. And that aspect was fun too, it was nice seeing black fans interact with their favorite groups, especially at the time where I think alot of us were kinda scared due to the known antiblackness and the subsequent environment on tumblr. So people posted how they met so and so at the airport or restaurant and posted selfies and I swear no one was being cringe, we, the fans, were just enjoying thus exchange of information. Also, there people actually were still discussing the problematic behavior of some idols, some people said outright they didn't like a certain person and it was cool, so it felt like a good balance. Though there were one or two situations in the beginning that made me sideye a follower, I brushed it off cuz the comment seemed silly and extra at most..lmao if only I knew.

*So where did things go wrong? From my point of view...I'd say after like the first 6 months???? Maybe, but after a while the fanaccounts dried up, naturally so cuz groups don't come to the u.s or Europe that frequently anyways. But when the submission of legitimate fanaccounts dried up, the admin and some of her followers began to act a little weird. Not only that but she stopped talking about new kpop and I think that's when the atmosphere legitimately shifted for the worse. Yes were there some people I sideyed before it yeah but I can pinpoint exactly when that space went to a point of no return: when the fan submissions were few and far between and the discussions became less relevant to kpop and more so to how (insert kpop idol or group) just looooves him some chocolate. Yeah it got really messy really quick.

* So after that shift I kinda bounced cuz I just wasn't comfortable interacting with her or her tumblr when I saw what it became and I actually think a good bit of us left after a while. Lmao after I left tho, everytime I popped my head in to see what was going on, things just kept getting worse and soon the admin and her minions started attacking not only blackkpopfans admins but also girls who contacted her requesting their fanaccounts and/or pictures be removed due to the blatant fetishism going on. One prominent incident was when those two sisters, can't remember their names, but they were being harassed after they asked the admin to take down their video or pic of them meeting Zion T.

* I haven't checked on her at all really after those incidents that happened but I still see that she's still up to no good and she's as delusional as ever. Oh! Wait another thing she'd do is write fanfic fanaccounts but then not tell people it was fanfic so people were being tricked to believe those were actually fanaccounts until someone made her clarify. Whew chile. Now I see she's still busy with making bad photoshop edits.

* Overall I really hope she snaps out of it but I don't think I can truly forgive her for preying on the insecurities of young black girls and women who obviously were/are in need of validation. While I understand the desire to be desired, that's not the way to go and it ultimately ends up with hurt feelings and an even worse self esteem. I am glad black kpop tumblr is in a better place now where there's room and acceptance for laughter and lighthearted fangirling or what have you while also room to have tough discussions.

**side note- okay lil shade, not directed to any of my mutuals though, but lol some of yall who be dragging sis be knowing ALOT about what's going on over there lmao and I'm always wondering how you stay up to date on a person who's content you don't fuck with. Like I don't like ole girl and I hardly hear about her unless something really extra goes viral. Do you though, it's all love, I'm just teasing you lol**