#my future self is gonna hate me but honestly at the chance of seeing my boy on screen it’ll be worth it 😌

[chaosinstigator]

the way im going to fuck up my entire sleep schedule this week for this man

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

The crushing | joel miller x f!reader, 5.2k

Summary: This is the story of a man who had everything in the palm of his hand and traded it all for an empty space in the hollow of his heart. Or This story follows Joel, two to three years after he cheated on his wife.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, ANGST, cheater!Joel, Joel's POV, this is NOT “The Falling” from Joel's POV, brief mention of smut (p i v) but nothing too graphic (I think), self-loathing, depression, therapy, flashbacks and memories from the past, alcohol consumption, Tommy being a supportive brother (eventually), as always let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Ok, so, Joel gave me a whiplash on this one, he was either staring at me through the screen giving me nothing, or he was mumbling unintelligibly in my ear while I was trying to keep up with him. It started out as a final chapter, but I really think that this part should be Joel's POV and the next and -probably- final one should be the resolving, however that may come. I guess it can be read as a standalone, but if you're interested, it's a sequel to “The Falling”. I edited it seven thousand times because I kept adding things along the way, so I hope it all makes some sense and there are not too many mistakes.. Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all! 🥰😘

P.S.: I just wanted to take a moment and let you know that I really appreciate everyone who has read, liked, commented, reblogged and asked about “The Falling”. I honestly didn't think a single soul would take the time to read that kind of story. It means more than you know and I didn’t take lightly how close to home this fic hit for some people; yet you’ve given it a chance, sharing some of your own experiences with me. I love you all, take care and I'll see you -hopefully- in the comments! 🥹🫂

Dividers by @cafekitsune & @saradika-graphics

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...need your reassurance...

...your only focus…

...for the foreseeable future...

He did make it his sole focus. Because of course, he closed the deal, even after he left that damn table like a madman. He still found a way to get what he wanted. That's the man he was. And he wasn't sure if he hated himself for it or not. But self-loathing was a daily occurrence now, so one more reason added to the list was nothing he couldn't handle.

For two years he would wake up every day, is it called waking up if he doesn’t sleep at all?, he would work his ass off, he would go home, he would sink into despair and then he would start all over again the next day. A vicious cycle consisting of 730 days in a row. The deafening silence within the walls of the house was excruciating, the loneliness was unbearable. Even the light penetrating through the windows seemed different than when you were there with him, a dullness surrounding every corner of the now barely lived in space.

You. He hadn’t seen your face in 730 days. He hadn’t smelled your scent or touched your soft skin. He barely listened to your voice anymore, any form of unavoidable communication, you preferred to be conducted by the lawyers, or via text messages, at the most. At the 731st one, he finally knew, something had to change. He couldn’t repeat another day, like all the others that came and went. He simply couldn’t.

Tommy suggested that therapy might help Joel, a few times, but he refused every one of them. Maria was keeping her distance, her place was delicate, being his brother’s wife but also his wife’s best friend. Surprisingly, she was the one who finally got through to him.

“Are you gonna stay a recluse for the rest of your miserable life, then?” Maria wonders, switching her gaze between Joel and the dining room. Everything was untouched, as you left them when you moved out, but the place felt empty, depressing, probably mirroring Joel’s existence.

Joel sighs, closing his eyes briefly. “I’m not a recluse..”, he snarls through his teeth, rolling his eyes at her. He was more than eager to be done with the dinner his sister-in-law insisted on having in his house and be left alone, in his natural state. Alone. Infuriating woman.

“What do you call that?”, Maria persists, goddamn lawyer to the bone.

“What?!” Joel spits back pissed off, looking at his brother next, for support.

“That!” she gestures around his body and his surroundings. “The way you go on for the past two years! Either get over it or do something about it!”, she doesn’t hold back, even when Tommy proposes a gentler approach. Yeah, look where it got you, is the paid answer, so Tommy steps back, shaking his head and raising his hands up in surrender.

“You’ve got him on a leash, hm?”, Joel jokes absentmindedly, “Can you breathe alright, Tommy boy?”, earning himself a hard glare from Maria.

“Maybe the wrong Miller is on a leash..” Maria mutters, causing Tommy’s eyes to widen in horror.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Joel retorts doing a double back at her.

“Means that freedom is for those who can bear it.”, Maria throws her napkin on her plate and leaves the room. Joel remains silent, pondering the meaning of her words. It would be a long time before he understood what she meant.

Therapy was hard.

Therapy was hard because he had to do it for himself. He had to concentrate on himself. He thought, being the contractor that he was, that he would walk into the room, get the answers he needed and fix his marriage, just as he rearranged the bricks and the wood and the steel on the construction sites.

But this wasn’t about his marriage. His marriage and the way it crumbled down was the aftermath, he came to learn. It was the outcome of insecurities, selfishness, lack of communication, ungratefulness.

He got it all wrong. Everything. Every little thing. He had to rewire his brain and change every point of view he was holding onto. Honesty. Honesty was the key.

“Why didn’t you reach out to your wife after that night?”, his therapist insists.

“I respected her boundaries.”, Joel was quick to respond.

“And what were those?”

“She didn’t want to see me.”

“Did she say that?”

“No-, I mean-, the way she left that night, she didn’t say much in general. But she blocked my number, so.”, he shrugs in defence.

“So, how can you be so sure that she didn't want to see you? Even if you're right, it doesn't mean that she didn't expect a reaction from you, or that you weren't allowed to try, if that’s what you wanted.”

“Why would she? I upset her, she needed time to think, work things out.”, Joel explains.

The therapist swipes her fingers over her lips, contemplating her approach. “Joel, you walk into your bedroom, into what is supposed to be a safe place and you see your partner with another person in an intimate moment. How does that make you feel? Just say the first words that come to mind.”, his therapist changes the point of view.

Joel shudders just at the thought of it. You, naked, flushed, lips parted and swollen, skin sweaty, breaths short and pupils blown wide, coming for anyone other than him. It would utterly destroy him. “Furious, pissed, betrayed, heartbroken.. I think I would lose it, if I’m honest.” he admits instantly, in his haste to throw the abomination of this image from his thoughts.

“I see. But in her case, you think your wife was just upset?”

“No, of course not.” Joel slightly frowns, shaking his head.

“Do you think she felt all those feelings that you just described to me?”

“I believe so, yes.”, god this is so hard.

“You believe so?” the therapist pushes, again.

Joel’s nostrils flare from the sharp inhale, “I know so.”

“So, she wasn’t just upset.” the therapist concludes and Joel agrees without meeting her eyes, “No, she wasn’t.”

Over time, Joel came to realize that his choice of words was a subconscious attempt to diminish the seriousness of his actions.

“You said in a previous session that you gave space to your wife to work things out.”

“Yeah, it was only fair.”, Joel confirms.

“So, it was hard for you to give her that space?”

“Yes, of course, I missed her every day.”

“Was that a constant in your relationship?”, the therapist wonders.

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

“How did you work things out as a couple, before? I assume you had difficult times as partners, no?”

“Nothing major to be honest, my wife was a very calm and reasonable person. If anything occurred she would talk to me about it.”

“And how did you respond to that?”

“Uh, I was there to listen, we always found a solution together as a couple.”

“Hmhm, so, what changed this time?”

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what she meant.

“Why didn’t you talk to her? Communicate with her? Maybe help her see your side of things, like you did before, find your way out of this together, as partners.” his therapist explains. “And even before the infidelity, did you let her know that something was bothering you, that you felt differently?”

"I didn't feel differently about my wife. My feelings for her never changed.", he immediately corrects her. "My love for her was never the problem," he confesses and it's the first time since his therapy began that he's shared something so personal, so private.

“But there was a problem, something was wrong if you felt the need to be intimate with another woman. So, why did you keep that from her?”

Joel opens his mouth already knowing he does not have an answer. Or that he doesn't want to give one. He shakes his head, raising his brows in a silent admission that he can’t answer that. Or he won't. His gaze is fixed on a loose thread on the fabric of the couch, his fingers keep picking on it.

“Joel?”

“I- I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t know.” he keeps shaking his head. He can’t answer that. He won't.

He was so angry when he left the session that day. He was so angry at you. He was angry at your honesty, your clarity, your courage to have a mind of your own and to speak it freely, knowing full well that probably no one else shared the same opinions as you did. That's what he loved most about you, but now he hated it.

“Own it, Joel. Own what you have done. At least that way it will be worth something. Otherwise it was all for nothing.”

This was one of the last things you said to him on the phone, while he was trying to persuade you to change your mind about the divorce. You were always so brave about those matters. Matters of the heart, of integrity. He remembers you always talking about things that he found admirable but utopian. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

“I need to be able to sleep at night. I need to own my decisions; not because I’m always right, far from it, but at least I know I’m being honest with myself. And that matters.” he recalls one of your late-night talks.

You usually found it easier to share your most vulnerable thoughts once you were thoroughly fucked and satiated. When Joel held you in his arms, your breaths almost shared over the same pillow, your scents and your fluids mixed together.

“We’re all imperfect beings, flawed; we all feel embarrassed when we fuck up,” you continue, “it’s hard to admit our mistakes to others, I get that. But deep down we always know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Admitting it only helps us to be present in our lives.”

“Be present?”, Joel seems fascinated by the way your mind weaves your thoughts together into deeply rooted beliefs.

“Yes, my love, there's no greater freedom than to live your life truthfully.” you smile at him, softly. Your sleepy eyes roam his face affectionately. Your fingertips caress his jawline, your thumb pressing lightly against the bare patch of his beard. He can feel your devotion pouring from your fingers and sinking into his skin at that moment.

“That’s one of my greatest fears, you know. Living my life in ignorance, in a lie.”, you whisper your deepest insecurity against his soft lips. His hold on you tightens as he rolls you onto your back, nestling his hips between your welcoming thighs. You are safe in these arms. His arms. You surrender to him, body and soul. You can feel his growing erection pressing between your folds, already wet from your combined releases. He tenderly brushes his lips against yours and slowly licks his way into your parted mouth, as he intertwines his fingers with yours. He enters you in one fluid, slow thrust, his warm exhale cooling your wet lips. “Then let me give you something real.”

Thinking back to those moments, Joel couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that he was the one who had brought that fear of yours to life. What broke him was that it was not a lie. Your life together had not been a lie. He loved you. In fact, he was burning up for you. He was a man of control, but not with you. Never with you. You consumed his every thought; being around you for too long made his lungs constrict in pain, begging for a deep breath. Sometimes he was worried sick that if he completely let himself love you like he needed to, he would suffocate you. He loved you. And it killed him that his actions suggested otherwise.

But at some point he had to be honest with himself. He was just protecting his ego. He was trying to get the upper hand out of a shitty, compromising situation. He wasn't being thoughtful, he was being selfish. He was biding his time. He thought the longer he left ‘it’ untouched, the less it would hurt when the inevitable time of confrontation came. He was scared out of his mind that he would lose you forever. No second chances, no redemption, no reconciliation.

No lingering scent on his pillow as your hair pools there, under his chin, as you nestle your face between his neck and shoulder, breathing him in. No laughter through the enormous house, damn, why did he build it so big; you never clarified what the disbelief in your eyes meant when he said he built this house for you, while he pulls you up on your feet for a silly cowboy dance.

No more gentle touches, no more noses brushing together as a silent goodbye in the kitchen before you rush off to work. No more turning around just before you open the door to leave, running to him like a little girl, giving him quick, hungry pecks on the lips while he laughs on your mouth, squeezes your butt cheek and slaps it playfully to say goodbye. Later, baby, he would promise you, his teeth nipping at your earlobe and he could feel your skin crawling with anticipation.

No more I love yous, either breathed, either whispered, either panted, as he makes a home for himself inside your warmth.

When did he fuck you last? He used to have you every day. You craved it every day. You craved him. Why did he stop telling you he loved you every chance he got? When was the last time you said it?

A week before that fateful night, when you touched him longingly, aching for him to touch you back and he told you he had work to do, he wasn’t a teenager anymore. Why the hell did he say that? Why did he sit there and watch the light fading from your eyes? I love you, you said with a sigh against his temple and walked out of his office defeated. Why did you say that? Did you know? Did you suspect? Why didn’t you fight him? You should have said something, anything, pushed him, punched him in the chest, woken him up. Would he have woken up? Or did he need that to come to his senses? Does he have to fall? Does this falling ever stop? Does he have to let you go? Will you come back to him? Does he deserve you?

Days blurred seamlessly into one another. Joel drifted further and further away from everyone. The house haunted him, all the progress he was making within the therapy walls was dissipating once he stepped inside the cold space of his empty house. Leaving the confines of it was his first thought in the morning, while he hurriedly dressed to go to his office far earlier than necessary and his last when he closed his eyes, as he laid his weary limbs on the couch, chasing still your now long gone scent on its fabric, knowing another sleepless night was his only companion until the first rays of sunlight hit the floor-to-ceiling windows to announce the beginning of another day.

People at work tiptoed around him, not knowing how to act. It was as if he was there, but not really. He was focused solely on the Marks project, mechanically going through board meetings, paperwork and supervising the construction site. He. Just. Wasn’t. There.

Joel, will you please sign the papers?

He simply stares at the text message for a good full minute, his thumbs hovering over the screen of his phone. This was one of the rare occasions you had initiated communication with him, always about the progress of the divorce.

No, no, I won’t, the little toddler in him screams, stamping his little feet on the ground.

The papers are not ready.

Joel texts back. He keeps it simple, frightened he might not get an answer back.

Joel, we both know they are. I don’t want any of your assets or your money; this is an easy signature, please.

An easy signature? You think he cares about the houses, or the cars, or the money?

You know I can’t accept that. The house is yours and so is a good part of the money.

The point was to share this house together, Joel, don’t you think us splitting up kind of defeats the purpose? And what on earth makes you think I would ever want to go back in there?

So, there’s nothing I can do to make this easier for you?

Easier? You think money or property can make up for what you’ve done?

Of course not, I wasn’t implying anything like that. Just wanna do something for you, anything.

Can you turn back time?

Of course, he can't. So, he doesn't know what to say to that. He just keeps staring at the screen, lost in thought. After 2 minutes another text follows.

?

You know I can’t..

Sign the papers. Please.

“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today, or should I take the lead?”

“Actually I’ve been thinking a lot about that night.”, Joel suggests for the first time. He usually lets the therapist decide where to steer the conversation, then simply refuses to elaborate until he feels ready to talk.

“What about it?”, he shifts his gaze from the window to the direction of her voice.

“I should probably rephrase that. I’m always thinking about that night, repeating it in my head again and again and I’m troubled by something I realized.”

His therapist nods to signal that she's listening.

“Why did she just leave? The more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. She just left. No shouting, no breaking things, no attacking either me or-”, her. “Why she didn’t stay? Why she didn’t insist that I leave? She was just- so quiet.”

The therapist smiles in recognition of Joel's near breakthrough. They were beginning to get somewhere, his empathy nudging him under the surface.

“I'm really glad you mentioned that, Joel, so I'd like to take you back to that night and try to understand what might have been going through your wife's mind at that moment," she explains.

“So, she walks into the house, finds her safe space violated by her husband, and she chooses to handle the situation calmly and quietly-” Joel tries to stop her, but she already knows what he's going to ask. “I can't tell you why she chose that path, that's for her to answer, only she knows why.” His therapist continues, “She is making one request of you and one request only, can you tell me what it is?”

“She asked me to leave the house.”

“Hmhm.” the therapist looks at him expectantly.

“I just wanted to talk to her.”, Joel elaborates, “I thought that if I refused to leave, she would accept to listen to me.”

“So you forced your needs on her, while she was in a particularly fragile state of mind.”

“I should have made my intentions clearer, you mean?”

“I mean, that maybe you shouldn’t have had any expectations in the first place. Why do you think was so important to you, to explain yourself right at that moment?”

“Because I knew it was probably the last time I would see her for a while, I just wanted to ease her pain, why is that so wrong? Should I be indifferent? Would that be better?”

“Did it ever occur to you that you might be depriving her of her right to choose?” Come on, Joel, break some eggs.

Joel now begins to make connections. He rubs his hand over his face, the realization of what has really happened crushing him. “Oh, god, I-” He's been so selfish from the start. He hasn't shown you any respect, not even at this delicate moment. He didn't give you a choice as to whether you wanted to listen to him or not. He didn't even let you choose where you wanted to stay. He just made you leave the house. Did he make you believe he wanted you to leave? That he wanted her to stay? Because he didn’t. Fuck. “-I never thought about it like that.”

Fuck.

How could he be so blind? Why was he so blind?

His therapist insisted on it. Because no matter how much progress Joel made over the course of a year, he never revealed the true reason behind his infidelity.

“Joel, we’ve talked about a lot of things; you’ve tried really hard to make this all about your wife and about understanding what she was feeling and how your actions have affected her, but as I keep reminding you”, she smiles understandingly, “you’re the one in therapy, you need to heal your wounds before you even attempt to heal hers. And although it is in fact a really noble thought, this” she gestures between them, “can only work if you do it for yourself. I know it may sound selfish, but I promise you, it is not. It is the exact opposite.”

Fuck.

“Yeah?”, his voice hoarse from sleep as he answers the door after the insistent knock at it. Tommy looks at him surprised once he opens it, “You’re sleeping, already?”. No, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t call it that. But when he goes almost a week without any proper rest, passing out is the right word for what he’s doing. “Yeah, I guess I dosed off..” Joel lies. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Tommy responds as he squeezes himself through the door to enter the house. “Yeah, sure, come on in.”, Joel mutters under his breath. “You just saw me at work this morning, is everything all right?”

“I just came to check on you.” Tommy confesses uncomfortably.

“You could have called.”

“Would you have answered?” Tommy deadpans.

Touché.

“Tell Maria I’m fine, Tommy, no need to worry about me; go spend the night where it counts.”, Joel replies in an attempt to push him away, as he walks farther into the house, rounding the kitchen island.

“Hey, brother, I’m here, I am here for you.” Tommy’s eyes narrow in pain and concern as he stares at his sibling's back, following behind him.

Joel exhales hard through his nose, his grip tight as he grabs the edges of the counter, his head lowering between his shoulder blades.

“You shouldn’t, nobody should.” Joel sighs, rubbing the pads of his fingers across his forehead.

“Ok, that’s enough.” Tommy snaps at him. “Enough self-loathing, enough resignation. Enough. You’ve punished yourself enough.”

Joel laughs at that. “Is that right? Is it enough for you? What about her?” he asks, his head turned to the side, looking at his brother over his shoulder.

“What?” Tommy is genuinely confused.

Joel turns his back, resting his waist on the edge of the counter, now looking straight at Tommy. “I should have what? Just get on with my life? Let it all be water under the bridge? Disrespect her even more?”

“Jesus..” Tommy mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, the other resting on his hip, his eyes shut in frustration.

“Are you doing this for her? Does she even know that?”

“It doesn’t matter, Tommy!” Joel raises his voice, exasperated. “I’m not doing this for her, I’m not doing anything for her, apparently and that’s the problem.”, his voice breaks, the lump in his throat too big to push down. “She’s not here anymore, Tommy.” he’s standing fully on his feet now, pushing himself away from the counter, leaning slightly forward, like he’s trying to make his brother understand; his eyes are glazed, Tommy had never seen him so devastated before. “She’s gone. I’ve lost her.”, his palms clenched in fists in front of his chest, resisting the urge to wrap them around his shirt and rip it to shreds, as he wants to do with his heart.

“I thought therapy was working..” Tommy whispers, his eyes dropping to the floor beneath him.

“Oh, it’s working, all right!” Joel chuckles in irony, sniffing his nose. “I’m getting a front-row seat, witnessing what a piece of shit I am-”

“Hey!” Tommy tries to cut him off.

“-what on earth was she doing with me to begin with, is beyond me.”

“HEY!” Tommy's eyes bulge out of his sockets, angry at his brother's self-deprecating words. Joel bends his waist forward, puts his elbows on the island in front of him and lets his head sink in again.

“Ok.” Tommy breathes deeply to ground himself, his hands in a position of a prayer in front of his mouth, “Ok, we could both use a drink.” he realizes, as he moves to open the cupboard to grab two tumblers and the whiskey from the shelf with the drinks. “..or five.”

The two brothers drink their first round in silence, both calming their nerves down. Tommy refills their glasses without asking; he knows this is going to be a long night.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Tommy begins, pushing Joel’s drink back towards him. Joel wringles his brows in confusion, “What are you talking about? You’re always there for me.”

“No, I haven’t, not really.” Tommy admits, “I let Maria take over when all this happened and I’m sorry.”

“There was nothing you could do, Tommy, don’t sweat it.”

“Let me say this, please.” Tommy raises his hand, his palm facing his brother. “I was just- fuck, we all knew how much you loved her, how much you loved each other, so when it all went down, I just didn’t know how to deal with it. What to say to you, how to comfort you. I didn't know how to deal with you.”

“You blamed me.” Joel says matter-of-factly.

“No-”, Tommy weakly refuses but Joel shakes his head dismissively, interrupting him. “It’s ok, Tommy, you should.”

Tommy looks embarrassed, his cheeks slightly pinkish, not only from the whiskey. “It’s just that I- I couldn’t reconcile the image of the man you were with her, with.. you know..”, he stutters.

“..the image of a cheater. Say it.” Joel adds.

Tommy shakes his head, like he still can't believe what's happened. “Besides, while she was staying with us those first few weeks I saw how devastated she was, man- she was a shell of a woman, so I was confused, I didn’t know how-”

“Tommy. Tommy, it’s fine.” Joel feels his skin crawl visualizing you like that in his head, cutting his brother off once again; he deserves every ounce of mistrust and he knows it.

“No, it’s not.” Tommy insists. “Yes, you fucked up. Brother, you really did. You did a number on her-”, Joel’s body tenses instantly at his brother’s words, his jaw clenching as his eyes darken, moving down to his hands, his grip on the tumbler tightening, his knuckles turning white and Tommy stops abruptly, “shit, sorry, I didn’t mean-”, his face twitches with regret.

“It’s the truth. That’s exactly what I did.” Joel’s gaze seems detached as if he's somewhere else right now.

“What I meant to say, is that I should have been there for you in spite of what has happened. I can see you're suffering, it's taking its toll on you, it has been for some time now; tell me what I can do. How can I help you?” Tommy seems almost desperate, like he’s the one in need of redemption.

Your text flashes through his mind, can you turn back time?, making him smile bitterly.

“Can you turn back time?” Joel's repeating your question and as the words leave his mouth he can feel your presence next to him. That's the most he felt of you for the last three years. He's almost blissful.

“You know I can't.” Tommy sighs. Joel laughs earnestly, the irony of the moment too good not to appreciate.

“Joel, brother, please, just talk to me. Help me understand. You act like you’re the one who’s been cheated on. So, what happened? Why did you do it?” Tommy is pleading with him to give him anything.

Silence fills the room for much longer than either of them would like. Joel feels torn between telling his brother everything or keeping his mouth shut. He wants to tell him, he hasn’t told a soul, but he’s not sure he can get the words out. He’s not sure he can bear to hear the words coming out of his mouth. He’s not sure he can substantiate it, make it real. Because that’s how it feels. He talks about it and it becomes real.

But maybe this is the right thing to do. That’s what needs to be done. He needs to talk about it. He needs to tell the truth and admit the pain he’s caused. Make it real for you, too. Perhaps it is time for him to give you what is rightfully yours. Acknowledgment.

Joel’s made up his mind. He’s gonna talk to Tommy. He lifts his glass to down his drink for some liquid courage, freezing his hand in mid-air as the next words fall from his brother’s mouth. “First of all, who was it?”

“What?” Joel's eyes search Tommy’s through his glass for an explanation.

“Who did you do?”, Tommy clarifies.

Joel feels like he’s been struck by lightning. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Who did you fuck, Joel?”, Tommy begins to feel confused, are they not on the same page here?

“You don’t know?”, Joel can barely speak now, his voice low in shock.

“No one does, not even Maria; she never told anyone.”

You told nobody? Not even your best friend? Why on earth would you do that? Did you feel ashamed? Was it just too much to talk about?

But his brain takes pity on him, helping him for once to understand. He’s connecting the dots while your voice fills the corners of his mind through his memories. His head is swarming with images of you standing in that walk-in closet, remembering what you said the last time he saw you. You’re the one I married, not her. I expected better from you, Joel, not her.

You were right.

It didn’t matter who it was. That is why. He was the one making the choice. He was the one breaking his promises, breaking your trust, breaking your heart; breaking you. He was the one who should have known better. He was the one who should have been honest. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

He feels a fresh wave of pain scattering through his body. He welcomes it. Damn, he’s craving it. He’s glad you chose to withhold the identity of the woman. Not because somehow it’s making it easier for him to defend himself, on the contrary.

There’s no one else to blame. Nobody. Just him. All of the anger, the resentment, the disappointment, all of them on him. He embraces them all. Everything. He will take it all, swallow it down and let it rot inside of him.

Joel tells Tommy everything. Everything, but her name.

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Taglist: @southernbe, @orcasoul, @auteurdelabre

[biconickyoshi]

So. I think it’s possible that they’re actually gonna do Kataang. Definitely with her speech at the end of the season, THAT actually felt like Katara. Finally. And apparent the actor just did an interview recently and she motioned that there were hints of Kataang and there would be a lot more come the next season

I shouldn’t have hope. But little 10 year old in me that grew with this show needs to see them fall in love all over again for 26 year old me.

Yeah, strangely in the last couple of episodes Katara finally started to feel like herself in that she expressed much more emotion than she had the entirety of the rest of the series (though I still hate the girlbossification of her character in the NAtLA NWT storyline). That scene of her yelling at Aang on the wall was also the first scene in the whole show that I personally saw any sort of inkling of Kataang, platonic or romantic. They are supposed to be best friends, but it didn't feel like Katara truly cared about Aang in a deeper way until that scene.

I know how you feel though - if my 10yo self watched this adaptation, I would have been extremely pissed, because Kataang was my OTP above all other ships in any other fandom for yeaaaars haha. I'm so glad to hear Kiawentiio has been hinting at more Kataang in the future - I honestly really like her and I'm still so mad that she didn't get more chances to actually be the Katara we all know and love, because she can definitely do it! She's not a bad actress, it's just the shitty writing!

I wonder if they will actually try to revisit the Cave of Two Lovers in S2 - NAtLA has made it to where the caves lead directly to the city's prison, so it would make sense for the Gaang to use them to try and sneak into Omashu to bust Bumi out. Who knows, maybe we will actually get the Kataang content we deserved too. I still think having Katara and Sokka go into the lovers' cave has been the most egregious change in the entirety of NAtLA so far lmao

[cacklefrendly]

I love how you draw your gin and vodka!!!!!they so cool and cute!!!now I wonder what is you're gin backstory.like do he parent work with the organization or something like that??I'm just curious

:D AWW THANKIEEE ANON!! i keep telling myself that i'm gonna draw them being threatening and. it doesn't happen. they end up being sappy again. so im glad i'm not the only one who enjoys it regardless lmao

as for backstories. uh.

good question.

what backstory my personal versions of Gin and Vodka DO have — and my versions of the entire Black Org. team, too — is vague enough to be almost canon-compliant while leaving plenty of wiggle-room in case future canon declares any new information i think is interesting. it's not a tactical choice! working around canon to make things complicated is part of what makes playing with side characters fun for me. :>

also i'll admit: i usually don't think much about a character's childhood unless it gives something meaningful to the story. i don't think it matters too much why Gin got into the Black Organization? to me, it matters more that he's there and making it everyone else's problem :P i might change my mind later though, we'll see!!

for Gin and Vodka, at least, their backstories are more of a years-long, vaguely three-arc showcase of who they are at wildly different points in their lives together, which has some really interesting moments implied but not explicitly stated.

just for fun, here's a synopsis of those 'Arcs': (i remembered to write a transcript this time, it's under the read-more)

“ARC” 1: SETUP (met once, briefly, by accident.)

VODKA (asides: “Just some dude” & “he uses cheap ballpoints and it hurts my soul. he gets better I promise.”)

maybe grew up in a rural area?

recently finished college, working at one of the Black Organization's front companies

dealing with being a closeted gay man while also trying not to get involved in normal office drama and still hear all the gossip

Very Aware that the company is doing some shady illegal stuff and is SUPER CURIOUS, but 1), he'd like to keep being payed thank you, and 2), he has enough self-preservation to know better than to go snooping

honestly he's just Some Guy

GIN (asides: “dysphoria hoodie” & “[PROTOTYPE] called, Alex wants his damn clothes back.”)

where did you even come from-

working as a low-level assassin with the Black Organization but already starting to garner attention from some of the higher-ups

aggressive, paranoid, AND experiencing dysphoria all at the same time!!! uh oh!!

dealing with the gradual realization that being trans is. a Thing. while also having a really bad-ass action movie as a life, complete with betrayal and murder and explosions

starts transitioning after he climbs the Organization's ranks enough to carve out a place he KNOWS he's safe and can relax

“ARC” 2: MEET-NOT-CUTE (a year or two after “Arc” 1)

VODKA

suffering from the aftermath of The Incident and trying to grapple with the fact that he's been working for an international crime syndicate

and trying to understand his role in all of this mess

and trying not to get killed by his new boss

AND is trying not to think about the fact that his new boss is SO scary and mean

AND trying SO HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT HOW HE'S KINDA INTO THAT-

GIN

high-ranked enough that he can no longer keep working alone and he HATES IT SO MUCH

it's not just a blow to his pride, it's also all the paranoia. it's mostly the paranoia, to be quite honest

called dibs on the most harmless, pathetic-looking man he could find who still seemed to be useful. and that man was Vodka

even so, spends a good while CONVINCED that Vodka will turn on him if Gin gives him the chance.

BOTH

Gin keeps trying to bait Vodka into trying to kill him and is infuriated as nothing happens.

Vodka sees the bait and is confused at first, later horrified when he figures out what Gin's expecting him to do

as Vodka shows his usefulness, Gin starts to calm down. full-on Trust takes several years to develop

the first time Gin falls Asleep near Vodka freaks Gin out more than a little

“ARC” 3: GET A FUCKIN ROOM (roughly a few years before and into Canon)

Vodka: “If you want coffee you gotta’ let go.” Gin: “*unintelligible sounds of disapproval*”

they aren't in a romantic relationship. they haven't even had a one-night stand. and yet they carry a very "aging gays who've been married for 30 years" energy. it drives the Team up the wall.

before the Trust developed, Vodka let Gin control/initiate all contact as an appeasement/self-preservation strategy. at this point he still does it, but out of habit more than anything.

plot twist, Gin's actually super tactile with people he trusts. he invades Vodka's personal space constantly. it's especially bad when he's cold or tired (so, most of the time)

they know each other's boundaries very well even though they never, like, sat down and talked about it. it's been trial and error thus far. it helps that they're also good at reading each other.

Vodka's uncomfortable attraction turned into a crush, which turned into quiet love. Gin's wariness turned into trust, which turned into love. BUT Gin's doesn't think much about trust OR romance so he's not actually aware (yet) that his feelings for Vodka are more than Really Strong Trust. he also doesn't know Vodka's feelings for him (YET)

there are so many ways this fucking slow-burn could end and I love all of them too much to pick just one

[mrhaitch]

Hihi! This is my first ever ask for you, and I’m quite nervous actually, (I was when I was sending one to Haitch too, I kinda look up to both of you in more ways than one and both of your writing makes my brain tingle✨)

So, my question is more along the lines of seeking your opinion as I feel, you might be the best person who can answer this. (Haitch is welcome to answer it too…I will def appreciate it)

So, being a straight-A student all my life, I made the people around me surprised and kinda miffed when I announced that I wanted a degree in English literature, when any college possible was readily accepting me for any degree in science (which the people around me were subtly nudging me towards. I mean I’m an Asian..it’s a given that they expected me to inevitably go for the most obvious choice)

After six years of grueling and being told over and over that my career has no fruitful future in my country, and an undergrad degree later, I am just a year away from completing and getting a masters degree in English literature. And the self doubt is finally setting in. There are moments where I feel like is it even worth it? Because my end goal is to become a professor.

And I know that it’s gonna be a mediocre pay—which is not the source of my worries, honestly I love literature too much to care—the thing that worries me is, the amount of time it’s gonna take to reach the said end goal.

See, in my country, you gotta clear a national level competitive exam to get a chance to even be an assistant professor in any university. The pass rate is low so to speak. And then I gotta start my PhD. So the thing that scares me is, what If after so much toiling and feeling like I’ve been doing nothing but study, for the entirety of my life, what if I end up actually hating the thing I love?

I just can’t help but feel a bit lost, and I’m scared about losing face in front of the people I stood up against. So as a person who has been a professor—of English literature no less— I need you to lay it straight to me.

Is it worth it? Should I keep going? Because to be honest, keeping my worries aside, I have been eagerly looking forward to that little me I envisioned doing something I love.

Because all this endless studying (I’ve also been trying to learn French since the last 4 years) is giving me a little burnout.

Okay. First things first, take a deep breath as it sounds like you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure so take a moment.

Academia is highly demanding, competitive, undervalued, and underpaid as career paths go. Much of the work you'll do (research, applying for grants, etc) will be unpaid and you'll do it for the love of it, and because it's the only way to secure and keep your job. I'm still very early in my career - I taught for two years and still haven't secured a permanent post as my publishing record still isn't to the required standard. It's likely that I'll be spending the next two to five years undertaking unpaid research, pursuing publications, and attending conferences in my own time and with my own money - all with the hope it'll get me a permanent position.

It still might not.

Even if I do succeed what awaits me is an ever dwindling pension rate, the promise of grotesque levels of overwork and an ever diversifying workload where academics are being required to take on more and more administrative tasks, ON TOP of their research, teaching, and pastoral responsibilities.

And no one will thank me - in the UK academics are heavily criticised by the press and the public at large.

But I'll still do it, I'll still chase it.

The main question is why? (Or as I had to say in terrible workshops I was forced to run in my previous job: 'what's your why?')

Academia is like healthcare, or policing, or social work, or any traditional vocational role: you tend to already know if it's what you want, and what you're going to push yourself beyond all reason to get to. You know it's hard, and unpleasant, and thankless, but part of you doesn't care - you'll likely do it anyway.

Burn out is a risk, as it is with any demanding career paths. You'll likely have many moments where you'll want to quit, or take up sewing, or anything at all that isn't what you're currently doing. There'll also be moments where it all feels worth it - looking out across a classroom and seeing a student fully understand what you're saying, that they get it; or having colleagues read your work and engage with it like it's a valuable contribution; or speaking in front of an engaged audience who value and appreciate what you're doing.

I have no definitive answers for you. I don't know your situation, I don't know your country or what the academic culture is there - I can only speak from my own experiences and from what I know.

What I can say is this: if this is what you want, truly and deeply, then go in with both eyes open. Never forget the challenges or the problems, never let yourself be lulled into a fantasy: know what you're doing and your reasons for doing it. Do it because you love it, because you'll need that love. Do it because you have something to say, something to put out into the world because that will be the thing that keeps you going when it's hard.

If this is what you want, be prepared to fail and fail often. Be prepared to be frustrated, and for people to suggest you quit and try something else (they mean well, mostly).

But also be prepared to be utterly smitten with and moved by your work, by your students, by that feeling of contributing to the ever deepening well of human knowledge. It's beautiful, it's bad, but it's beautiful.

[seerofmike]

something im starting this year is a very self-indulgent, "my year in review" thing where i list 7 video games i enjoyed this year + 7 movies from this year that i liked because as time goes on i feel like i'm getting worse and worse at determining what i did and when i did them so this is basically just a place for me to journal the things i enjoyed this year for future reference.

all the movies are 2022 releases but since i'm hardly ever on top of current video game releases. my games list is gonna be all over the place. im mixing them up. feel free to read if you want yippee it's meant for me but since its being posted publicly ill write em all up as little recommendations. going in no particular order other than alphabetical and alternating between a movie and a video game i liked this year. also why 7 of each ? because 7 is my favorite number fuck you

The Batman

-hmmm. thoughts. congratulations to our second gay batman, robert pattinson. ok this is only half a joke. i love the riddler being a twitch streamer terrorist i like when media modernizes older characters it's funny. gotham truly felt like a shithole in this movie. soundtrack fucked. can't fight city halloween was on my spotify 100 wrapped

Inscryption (2021)

-i fucking suck at this game, i still have not beaten the trapper and as i understand theres like 2 whole other parts of the game to go or something??? so no i have not beaten it yet. but i have also sunk an unholy amount of time TRYING to beat it and i didn't get sick of it. it's a very dark but very entertaining card game and it has a free demo. even if you don't like card builder games i think you should try. it has a very unique atmosphere and premise

Bullet Train

-yes i liked the cringe brad pitt action movie. fun fact this was actually specifically tailor-made for me in a factory! it has a large cast of assholes trying to kill each other and it's funny and wacky and i love the directing. that sounds so fucking nerdy to say but i want to be a film director so im gonna say it. the directing of the action sequences especially was really impressive to me because there's only so much space/movement your camera can (believably) achieve when filming in a small, rectangular, ever-moving box like a train and i think mr david leitch did it very well. also tangerine and lemon funniest characters in an action comedy ever

Milk Inside a Bag of Milk Inside a Bag of Milk (2020)

-i kind of don't want to say much about this on the off chance someone reads this and also decides to play a game on this list but. listen. play it. it's like a dollar. it's very short, it's about a girl dealing with mental illness, and that's all i'll say about it.

Glass Onion

-mr benoit blanc u are so fruity. but ohg this was fun. it was fun! and it was especially more fun to rewatch it and see all that i missed and the small moments that they weren't really trying to hide from you. i enjoy the concept of being gaslit by a movie. also janelle monae is always so fun to see act

Paradise Killer (2020)

-honestly, there is so much i hate about this game. the sprites are awkward. the voice acting is bad. the platforming is abysmal. yet it's still here because i think its world is genuinely insane and unique and it knows the exact type of vibe its going for with all these terrible people in a vaporwave reality and it achieves it and also its a murder mystery and i like those. give it a try

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

-yeah we all know her pussy slaps. there really isn't anything new for me to add. it's funny. it's got good action. michelle yeoh best actress award NOW!!!!!

Pathologic Classic HD (2015)

-yea this one is kinda cheating. i started it last year and got like 2 hours into it and gave up and then did a bunch of other things but i finally figured out how to get my controller hooked up to my laptop this year and i played it. 100%'d it. its proudly displayed on my steam profile.

look at that. awful. horrible terrible plague walking simulator 0/10 am playing again

Nope

-i love jordan peele. i love keke palmer. i love daniel kaluuya. this movie was made FOR MEEEEEEE it was very slow and tense and i know a lot of people complained about the slow pace of it but the build-up made (SPOILER) reveal all the more terrifying. speaking of terrifying, the scene where everyone (SPOILER) is the scariest thing ive seen in years and i think i have claustrophobia now :) also akira homage <3

A Short Hike (2019)

-this one was soso cute and relaxing :) it was very funny and had a cute artstyle and i beat it in like 1 hour. not a very big commitment but its charming enough to want to come back to

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish

-ummm. so. puss in boots??? that shit slapped????????? it had NO reason to be that good. like obviously the animation has been spiderverse'd which SLAPS but the they put their whole puss(y) into this movie and they didn't have to. it's good. all the characters were SO fun, literally all of them. i love the stupid little dog. he is my scrimblo. go check it out if you haven't it is NOT the soulless cash grab i thought it would be

Slime Rancher (2017)

-so like, conceptually, this game is weird as fuck. a first person shooter where you suck up little jellies and feed them and harvest their poop. its insane. its also very relaxing but also very ...management-y, like the way stardew valley is where its technically very relaxing but you are doing SO much to maximize ur profit for the day. i love that shit. look at those things. theyre adorable

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

-ohg. knumckles

SOMA (2015)

-ok so i don't actually get scared that often BUT here is a mike secret. ocean shit SCARES me i do not like anything set under the ocean and the fact that this game takes place underwater freaks me the fuck out. i dropped my 3 hour save file to switch to little baby for bitches mode after 3 hours not because the monsters themselves are scary but because emotionally i cannot handle monsters on top of a deep sea setting. also the story was really good you should play it

[kudzucataclysm]

OK SO. i’ve had a couple drinks and so i’m gonna expand upon certain se ships that i was asked abt a couple nights ago AAAAA

Vincent and Jack: THE FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS ANGLE!!! these two were all each other had for their respective childhoods and both fell apart cuz of time and space, both are forced onto opposite sides of conflict cuz of their jobs and circumstances…like the TENSION!!! of knowing that person you’re fighting against is like, someone u love ya know….

Thursday and Friday: honestly. honestly. i cannot expand upon this except… they r two very fcuked up individuals who love each other soooo so so much. like Friday keeping their true self hidden from Thurs out of fear not knowing that Thurs would like…fucking love them regardless. that no matter what Thurs loves them for everything they are and who they’ll be and and. oh my god. what the FU

Friday and Valentine: tbh there’s nothing here there’s just the DramaTM. Valentine being one of Azel’s partners but like having a weird crush on this human-aligned martian who’s trying to kidnap one of yur lovers kids like. wtf is going onnnnnnnn dude yur insane

Carson and Maya: AAAA CHILDHOOD…CHILDHOOD FRIENDS…TO ACADEMIC RIVALS TO LOVERS TO ENEMIES…both were students of Altena and Prometheus, working to better the world for future generations and as they both grew older they became disillusioned with that and grew apart….Maya becoming something that goes against the betterment of humanity and Carson willing to sacrifice entire generations/life including her own for a CHANCE that one day the world will be better…AND THEM BEING OPPOSING EACH OTHER…AAAAAAAAA

Carson, Maya, and Dmytro: same as above tbh…but Dmytro retreated from the world and from Prometheus as a whole, throwing themselves into their work but holy fuck like the POTENTIAL!!! IF ALL THREE OF THESE PEEPS WERE LIKE SANE AND FULLY EMBRACED THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER (dmytro loved cars and maya queerplatonically but wtv love is love-) like whoa. if only they weren’t fucked up ya know it’s the YEARNING

Carson and Hobbes: Hobbes is a weirdo android who like..provides that safety net that Cars needs. like yeah his function is to spy on her and make sure she doesn’t do anything too crazy but like the way this android who believes himself to not like experience anything human BECOMES human in one of the worst ways possible through interacting with Cars like. whoa. what the fuck

Maya and Miss Keystone: no explanation literally it’s just girlboss x girlboss, it’s for funsies. Keystone being a Martian supermodel and corporate agent and Maya being one of the richest people in the world like cmon. it’s just fun

Carmine and Grant: Grant used to have a crush on Carmine so it’s like. what if Carmine wasn’t RepressedTM ya know. again for fun it’s just two old gay criminal dudes who find comfort in each other…cmon now..

Hammond and Laima: these two r like the definition of Hater. HATERSSSS and they both hate Azelfafage and both use each other and work together…enemy of my enemy is a friend etc etc…once again for fun and cuz like if they were Normal it’d be like a very intense relationship i feel…

Hammond and Azel: sheer crack. all Azel wants is to like have sex with Hammond but can’t cuz Hammond will kill him (probably) so. i dunno i just find it funny is all…very one sided

Hammond and Lupe: THEY WERE FUCKING BESTIIIIIIES LITERALLYYYYYYU LIKE OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGG such a tragic fucking end. like oh my god i just can’t like just to see someone you love just fucking waste away and become a shell of her former self and so u put the world on your shoulders JUST because u think that’s what she wanted…go ahead and fucking kill me bro

Lupe and Veronika: gfs who were forced apart becuz of the world, and one of which sacrificed herself to give the world another chance. and Lupe remains to waste away and not be able to witness the fact that the world was in fact not better from that sacrifice. don’t fucking touch me

[rainbowchaox]

i want to know all about your bi himbo and his friend group so i’ll take 50 for each of them

What is your favorite thing about them?

First off with the bi Himbo himself! His name is Athan and my favorite thing about him is honestly not what usually people would think. I love how petty and how despite being a asshole he is still charming. His whole thing is that he never believed in god but realized as one of the many bastard kids left to be raised by a whore mother in a brothel in the middle of what is pretty much like whore alley in a shitty unlawful like city right in the middle of two major kingdoms (one is based on like Roman and Greek stuff and the other is Arabic and Asian insipred) that hate each other and numerous times have gone to war. that he either was gonna be eventually be forced to be a servant or a whore because Surpise! He’s mixed Race between the white race and the brown race. And both kingdoms hate them mixed races (there’s actual lore reasons but I’m trying to summarize as much I can). But yeah he figured out soon as a kid the only way he could go past than a life in the gutter is to get any sort of schooling. But obviously he isn’t dumb so he quickly realizes that the only way to get said schooling is to become part of the church as luckily his magical core is Light (there’s schools for nobility and then the church also teaches their priests in training the same stuff.). It’s his best chance to have a life BUT becoming the part of the church is like where the shitty second horns of nobles usually go to and Despite being one of the only talented commoners ducking insults all the rich boys and legit is so blunt that half his class hates him. He is just in it for a good job and somehow he becomes a better priest than legit all his peers. Like he is petty and will make a douche embrass himself. (Literally how he became a ex priest is when the new head saint is like you are too rude to the nobles and he was like ok give me my retirement fund and the head saint was like WHAT THE FUCK.). He also starts numerous socialist movements by accident when he drank some wine. (Ps he has light brown skin numerous freckles and moles golden brown eyes.)

Next is Eis (my beloved). I love him so much because he is such a funny little ace spectrum (literally only had them feelings when he saw Athan being his gremlin self and was like oh shit) homosexual.he is introduced as this powerful Battle Mage that everyone is pretty sure is the next incarnation of the worlds evil god. And when you see him and his future man interact he is JUST- that one smart kid in your class that legit tried to make some dangerous chemical in the lab for shit and giggles. He looks cold and a bit condescending but he is totally a force of chaos and major only child syndrome I won’t lie. (He has white hair and pale skin with stormy blue eyes)

Next is our girl boss and mess of a human being! Cadenza the expelled student from like Alchemy College. She is just insane. My favorite part of her is despite her utter insanity she will go ram for those she cares about. Like the amount of loyalty this sapphic goober has in her. (Brown wavy hair with emerald eyes)

And finally the queen herself, aka Norturne a ex assassin that’s such a bro. My favorite part is despite being the supposed edgy one she is legit the voice of reason. And she can’t flirt to help her whatsoever despite looking like a typical Feme fatale that uses charm to screw over people, nope. She is just very mellow and socially awkward.

[osaemu]

lipstick stains with actor gojo…….. formal event where his collar is unbuttoned, tie undone, hair disheveled…………. stupid grin on his face when the press asks where those red lipstick marks came from……………….. smiles and says something about not kissing and telling………………………..

GOJO SATORU: LIPSTICK, KISSES, AND AWARD SHOWS

✩ ‧ ˚. synopsis: it's an hour before you and satoru have to be at an award show, and it looks like he'll be looking.. less than professional when you arrive. (actor!au)

contents: fem!reader. very suggestive.. and very self-indulgent. call me vegas the way i added a teeny tiny plot twist at the end.. that will lead to maybe-angst in the future. side-note, i love you guys and thanks for being patient with me lately :,) 850 words.

"make sure you wash it off before you go out," you remind satoru, holding your phone up for him to use as a mirror. he peers into the camera and studies his face, which happens to be adorned with dark red lipstick stains from the hundreds of kisses you've been leaving on him for the past couple minutes.

you swipe back your phone and rub your thumb underneath your lips in an attempt to fix your smudged lipstick. you don't get far before satoru's thumb takes its place and turns your face towards him, giving you a chance to admire your work in all its glory.

there's a flurry of auburn kiss marks trailing down his jaw and all over his pale neck, and the dark veins underneath his skin stand out far more in the dim lighting. satoru's eyes glint as he helps you fix your lipstick, a little smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "nah, i don't mind. the whole world could see me like this and i wouldn't care one bit."

your eyes widen into a doe-like shape as satoru taps his index finger against his lips, cocking an eyebrow mischievously. "oh, and i think you missed a spot."

without hesitating, you lean in and press your freshly-painted lips to his mouth, mumbling something about how the red carpet could wait. satoru's only too welcoming when your lips press against his, and somehow his hands wrap around your waist and pull you down onto his bed.

"satoru, you're gonna mess up my hair," you protest, pawing at his chest. "and my makeup, and my dress, 'cause we both know how messy you are, so—"

"baby, i love your voice, but shhh," he coos, cutting you off by pressing his index finger to your lips. "i'll do the talking, you just lie there n' look pretty for me, 'kay?" when you don't reply, he smiles and adds, "good girl."

satoru reaches up and loosens his tie with one hand, making quick work of his collar next. it's concerning, really—it's almost like he's too eager to get his white shirt stained red with your lips, but the state of his appearance is the last thing on your mind as satoru dips his head and kisses you again.

it's rare that satoru kisses you with his eyes open, but when he does, it feels as if he can see right through you and your clothes. "satoru, we have somewhere to be," you whisper, words muffled by his lips on yours. as expected, he ignores your weak protests, but honestly, you could care less about the award show. "satoru—"

"i'm already holding myself back from— fuck, why do you have to make this so hard?" satoru groans, breaking away from the kiss to gaze at your heated face. "damn it, do we have to be there?"

"yeah, it's kinda important," you reply, a touch of playful sarcasm in your words. this award ceremony is one that could change the rest of your career, and as tempting as it is to stay underneath your co-star, it isn't really a viable option. satoru nods in begrudging agreement, muttering something about hating his schedule as he pushes himself off of you.

"c'mon, let's go," he grumbles, ruffling his hair in the floor-length mirror and examining his reflection. you comb your fingers through your hair in a futile attempt to smoothen it out and hop off his bed, joining satoru in front of the mirror.

"are you really gonna go out like that?" you tease, adjusting the strap of your dress in the mirror and eyeing satoru's lipstick-adorned face.

satoru meets your eyes in the dimly-lit mirror, lips twitching with the beginnings of a smile. "why not?"

when you two arrive at the ceremony venue, you get swept away by one crowd while satoru gets ushered to the forefront of the red carpet by another. as you wait for your turn in front of the cameras, you can almost feel the crowd going wild when satoru casually poses for the paparazzi with his collar undone, tie loosened, and face covered in your kisses.

"was that you?" the well-known actress next to you, shoko ieiri, whispers, short auburn hair glinting in the chandelier's glow. you grin and shrug in response, turning your attention back to the interviewer chatting with satoru.

"well, you certainly came in with a bang, didn't you?" the interviewer asks coyly, looking satoru up and down. she raises an eyebrow with interest when she sees how the lipstick marks go down below his unbuttoned shirt collar. "tell us, who's the lucky girl?"

satoru laughs good-naturedly, running his hand through his hair as he replies, "sweetheart, i'd love to say, but i don't make it a habit to kiss and tell."

looks like your little on-again, off-again charade will continue, for now. rumors are still circling all over the internet about you and satoru from the stunt the two of you pulled before the oscars, and nobody can quite discern if you and satoru are dating or not.

including you.

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 188

Devil May Care/The Angels Take Manhattan

“Devil May Care”

Plot Description: Dean shocks Sam when he opens the Impala’s trunk to reveal he’s kidnapped the King of Hell. Meanwhile, Abaddon rises with plans to take over his role.

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: oh, we START with Dean dragging in a corpse, but it doesn’t seem like anyone else is dying

I really hope she has even ONE episode where she doesn’t get brutalized…

Ok maybe it wasn’t Dean dragging in a corpse, just some shmuck recruited by Abaddon. Love that ❤️ she’s back

I don’t like whatever’s going on in this bunker now. You don’t get to keep both Kevin AND Crowley there

Honestly, yeah. That’s probably the best way to torture Crowley: leave him alone in a dark room with no one to make snide quips to

I would 100% accept her as queen. She’s as cruel as she is beautiful

Abaddon is having so much fun and I love that for her

I can’t believe Kevin 1) chose Solo as his fake last name (I actually can) and 2) basically blackmailed the military officer

ABADDON HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER. Everything she’s done is completely right

Nooo…honestly, it was inevitable, but you shouldn’t have left Kevin and Crowley alone in the bunker. He’s just a KID, and Crowley’s a centuries old demon. I can’t even blame him if he gets manipulated into freeing Crowley

PLEASE. I’m begging. Just ONE episode. A little holy water splash is fine but she’s already been through so much at the Winchesters’ hands

I……….she could possess me any day. I wouldn’t want to actually do the things she’s threatening to make Dean do should she possess him, but the way she talks about it 🥰🥰🥰 I’m very normal about her

I still don’t trust Ezekiel.

Fuuuuck. It does look like…oh, Crowley’s still here. But where’s Kevin??

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, he’s gonna think that this is Dean only needing him because he’s useful…..omg, ok, so turns out if Kevin cries, I cry. He’s needed cuz he’s FAMILY. Eat your heart out, Fast and Furious franchise

Godddd, when will the secrets STOP?!

“The Angels Take Manhattan”

Plot Description: the Angels are back, and this time they’re taking over Manhattan

This little girl’s got no business playing peekaboo with a Weeping Angel. The fuck

Wait. That’s not how they work. You disappear from your timeline…you don’t…you don’t make it back to your same timeline, do you?? And meet your old self? But…I guess…wibbly wobbly timey wimey

I’ve been to that rock they’re sitting on.

Oh. Oh Rory. Oh dear, sweet Rory who has apparently never been on the internet????? “Only [the Doctor] could fancy someone in a book”??? Good thing ao3 is down. It’s completely blow his mind to bits. Then again, just send him to any character tag here and same difference

And I had my picture taken at that fountain

Of course the protagonist of the book is actually River. (I remembered the author even now but I forgot the main character was River)

That giggling though. Creepy

Omg. Okay, I like all the weird time travely stuff. It’s one thing to go to one destination but it’s another to get a book from the past and then influence that book by going even further into the past. Just. Delightful

Ohhhhhhh the Doctor’s freak out about saying goodbye to Amy…telling River to get out of the Angel’s grasp without breaking her own wrist, to change the future that’s already been written. AND SHE WANTED TO LET HIM BELIEVE SHE HAD 😭😭😭

I can’t believe Amy just had to watch Rory die again…this time as an old man

Amy’s love for Rory is so beautiful and endearing, and it’s so dumb they ever made us doubt it

OMG YOU CANNOT MAKE HER WATCH HIM DIE AGAIN. TWICE?? IN ONE EPISODE??

I know this is supposed to be an emotional moment but the music is killing the mood

Except now we’re back in that graveyard……and I know what’s gonna happen and I hate it

It was the right thing but it doesn’t make it less heartbreaking. She’ll take any chance to see Rory again. Every time

Donna🤝Amy: gingers who tell the Doctor to not travel alone

[diabolicalacid]

this is going to be long….but i have to let this out my chest because i am going to combust just thinking about this:

if ms. self destructive is gonna end up mr. sakusa im going to screaaammm !! i don’t think it would be a wise decision if they decide to rekindle when their past barely even has a foundation. it was literally just a fling that happened in their teens, like it’s so petty!! who in their right mind would go to that extent just to have a “sloppy revenge?” also, made my blood boil when reading how she’s just shirking off her responsibilities and goes back to her “woe is me, i‘m the only one suffering in this world so all of you should have sympathy for me and be there for my every beck and call” attitude and mentality, e.g. when she went off in the gc for the first time without warning and put someone on the spot with personal details, when she doesn’t have an ounce of professionalism, passion nor dedication to her career (literally made me scream because the job market is very competitive and she’s just wasting it like she was born with a golden spoon in the mouth, hello!!), when she repeatedly never listens to her friends and blows them off, her constant mean and derogatory comments about reina (calling her a bitch and a wench…it did not ate as she wanted it, just made her pathetic honestly 🫤), and when she turned the situation around and basically told shoyo (non-verbatim) that her feelings were more important than “a bunch of games that’ll never lead up to the future/amount to anything” or something like that. the nerve of her to just say that to a person whose life revolves around volleyball!!! whose career is being an athlete!!! whose income would be determined by whether their team wins or loses!!! how dare she.

literally never hated a reader so much which is a double edged sword because i love when the roles in the story are reversed from the usual, like the character is the one hurting and the reader is the a-hole. your characterization and ability to make a character so insufferable, unlikeable, and hateable is amazing btw. i wouldn’t be surprised if kenma and kuroo leaves her in the dust. i wouldn’t be surprised when she just gets fired because behaving like that and not doing your job properly only because of your personal problems is a big no no in japan, and it will literally lessen your chances of getting rehired in another company once they do a background check on you and find out your incompetence.

the reason why im so fired up with boarding the hate train against reader is because this particular situation hits too close to home, because i know someone like this irl. well, knew, since both my friend who is involved with this particular incident, and me, cut off ties with the messy ex-friend. in this situation i was like kenma and kuroo in one. it was very emotionally exhausting and draining, and it’s really not worth it to save a friendship when you know they’re headed to crash and burn but they don’t want to change because of their singular goal. that, and having tunnel vision, only seeing what they want to see, the whole shebang. i don’t mind telling you the background story behind it, but idk if you want me to blow up and rant in your askbox though lmao.

to reader in the story, only thing i can say is: f*ck around and find out. 🥱 play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🥴

i appreciate the fact that you took your time to write this all down. like wow 😭 i’m really glad that you were able to cut ties with your messy friend and start clean. as for kuroo and kenma, they’re pretty used to yn. they shouldn’t be, but they are.

everyone will get their happy ending, but happy ending doesn’t mean yn and sakusa will end up conventionally. clearly they’re both very toxic in their own ways right now, so there’s a lot they need to work on.

and yn being rude to her friends, saying things she knows she’ll regret— that’s such an everyday thing, it’s truly sad. i hope she gets better, cuz sunshine sho didn’t deserve all that she said to him 🥹😭

[holycow99]

Ishida Sui & Takahashi Kunimitsu 20/12/21 Stream Translation (requested) Part 5

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. I apologise for any grammatical errors.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

notes:

I = Ishida Sui, K = Takahashi Kunimitsu

* = Translation may not be accurate

Ishida Sui and Takahasi Kunimitsu on responsibility

C: Sensei, honestly speaking, have you ever thought newbie mangaka are inspired by you when you read their one-shots?

I: I don’t know about that since I’ve never had the chance to read one. However, there are a few people around me that have become mangaka and following my style. When I saw that, I thought they’re copying me.

K: (laughs)

I: I asked my staffs’ opinions about it. I did have that kind of thought. Other than that, I’m not really familiar with the current manga, let alone the chance to read newbies’ works. People who judge their works might have the opportunity to do so. They did ask me to be the judge for new manga when I was doing TG, but I rejected it since I was a shitty bastard.

K: That’s a big responsibility, after all. Someone’s life could be changed because of that.

I: That’s right. I did think it might be worth it, but the me at the time was just a novice and felt unqualified to judge. I might get hated, so I rejected the offer. I still am to this day.

K: Would you accept if they offer you now?

I: I might reject it due to different reasons. I want to use the time I have to do other things. I want to concentrate on myself. If the same thing happened to you, would you accept it?

K: I could give my opinion on whether it’s good or bad, or whether I like it or not. But I wouldn’t know how that person’s gonna turn out in the future. So, it’s hard to give judgment whether that person’s qualified or not. I could only judge them based on the quality of their submitted song.

I: I think that’s absolutely fine. After all, evaluation requires your current judgment.

K: Then, it’s not an evaluation of the person because I only rely on that one song.

I: Well, that’s the way it is. It’ll be too much to handle if we think about their future. We can only judge their capabilities through the works they submit. It’s like an exam.

K: That’s why, I think it’s too big of a responsibility.

I: Yeah, it is. There are things that could help us prepare in taking such big responsibility. We could train ourselves, in the first place. I did think I might’ve run away from responsibility too much. Maybe I should’ve looked at them.

Ishida Sui and Takahashi Kunimitsu on self-love

K: I wanna be good at love.

I: Are you (laughs)? I see, you wanna be good at love.

K: Seriously.

I: (laughs) There’s no good or bad in love.

K: I wanna get along with myself. I wanna love myself more (laughs).

I: (laughs) Why? But I get you (laughs). Ultimately, you can’t love another person if you don’t love yourself.

K: I’m really bad at loving myself, so I wanna be good at it.

I: Which part of you, you don’t like? Go look in the mirror (laughs).

K: (laughs)

I: Tell me. Which part? You have two eyes, a mouth, and a pair of ears. So, which part of you can’t be loved (laughs)? What is it you don’t like about yourself?

K: I’d feel worthless.

I: Everyone feels that.

K: They do. However, I can’t become stronger if I told myself I’m not.

I: People think before they act about a lot of things. But when they think too much, they can’t have a wrestling match with the other party.

K: (laughs) So, I’ve been doing Sumo all by myself.

I: The other party might wanna have arguments. When you guys argue, you might realise the other party doesn’t think of you the same way as you do. You might be able to love yourself more, right? That way, you can destroy the labels you’ve put about yourself one by one. Then, you’d gradually love yourself. **

**t/n: Just to make it clearer in case it’s hard for you to understand what he said. He basically meant Takahashi Kunimitsu cares too much about what people think of him, so he often being cautious of what he says or does. However, if he just be himself, he may realise that people are actually okay with it.

K: I had been doing sumo alone all this while. I was the one thinking badly about myself.

I: You’re like that sometimes.

K: Me? Then, I’ll be careful from now on (laughs).

I: (laughs) Try to do it.

I: There’s a lot of things where we think too much. After all, it’s terrifying to be hated because you did something or say something weird. It’s okay to say something weird once. The other party might not give a damn about it. You’d realise it’s not something bad. Of course, there are times when the opposite happens.

K: Then, tomorrow I’ll buy a cake (laughs).

I: (laughs) Why are you buying cake?

K: I wanna spoil myself.

I: That’s good. Go buy some cake.

K: A reward for myself.

I: That was funny. Buying cake seems like a happy thing. People only buy cakes on joyful days, after all.

K: It’s like a symbol of happiness.

I: Everyone, go buy a cake precisely when you’re down. Buy the one from cake shop.

[tsunderedoctor]

What the OP Boys Would do if You Have a Bad Day

Part 1 for now 

Part 2 in the foretold future (aka when I get the time to use my laptop-)

Monkey D. Luffy

Boy struggles with his self-hatred on important dates in time. Remembering past friends and family who passed is one of his biggest self-hatred motivators. So he does understand when there are times when you are down too! However, he also knows his way to cope might not be the same as how you cope, but it doesn’t mean he can’t try!

Will start by sniffing out the area thinking your feelings are coming from some unknown danger to him. If nothing on the outside around you seems off he concludes it’s something on the inside! After this he will began to come up with his own reasons why you are in a sad/sour mood: stomach ache, motion sickness, boredom, things that usually would resonate with him. If it’s none of those he will just point blank ask you at this point. 

“Want some meat? You can wear my hat if you want. I can do an impression on whoever you want!” 

Literally just naming out things he knows cheers people up and if none of them work he is stomped! Baby literally cannot process how to help you, will mostly just bug the hell out of you the entire time until you tell him how to help you-

So just tell him.

Roronoa Zoro

He can be observant when he wants to be (a man only motivated by alcohol and swords-), unfortunately he sucks at people skills-

He knows you’re upset/angry/sad, he just doesn’t know how to fix it. Would offer if you want to spar with him since that’s how he copes, if you are weaker however or don’t prefer fighting he would ask if you want to watch him. Would not offer you alcohol (both due to not wanting to lose his precious and not getting you used to coping this way-).  

If he sees you cry the dude will lose it a mixture between “Who hurt you?!” and “Stop it!” Truly hates it when you cry because he feels he is failing at his job to protect you (even if you never told him to-). If you want him to do something for you, use this time wisely cause he will do whatever he has to in order to get you to stop crying.

Not the best at giving comfort, but will lend you an ear to listen to you rant. Would also give you advice to cut whoever hurt you. If you are having more self-hatred he would understand and embarrassingly admit his favorite parts about you in order to help you see how people care about you.

Vinsmoke Sanji

Would spoil you (more than usual) to make your day better! Compliments, gifts, food the whole galore! He can sense the moment you wake up that you were off mentally (Vinsmoke senses? Who knows-), will bust through the door and begging you to tell him how to fix it. Honestly you might not even realize you’re in a foul mood until he tells you-

Tells everyone not to mess with/tease you constantly- “They’re having a down day, so Luffy stop talking.”

Will make your favorites and force everyone to eat it/say how good it is- Will also tell you every reason why he loves you (even if they make no sense) and gets you flowers, chocolates, hugs just everything.

The man is like the king when it comes to comfort due to the fact he will legit do whatever you ask of him. “Tell me I’m pretty.” Done. “Am I a good person?” The best in the world. “What if I turn into a worm?” You can have a worm themed wedding-

Just a good puppy trying to please his master-

Trafalgar D. Water Law

The best (worst-) at handling you when you are having a bad day. Will totally doctor nag you the entire time. 

“Did you drink water? No? That’s why you’re depressed.”

“Did you get enough sleep? You didn’t? That’s why you’re agitated-” 

Will not feel sorry for you if it’s due to your own health neglect; however do not be surprised if after he lectures you, you find some onigiri left out for you or just a randomly placed hoodie you can take a nap with.  

If it’s something more mental (as in someone hurt your feelings or you hurt your own feelings) he will just listen to you rant while wearing his usual grumpy facial features. In the inside he’s annoyed at who hurt you (even if you did it yourself-) and is contemplating on how to handle the situation. He won’t try to cheer you up and will give you some sound advice in the end, he won’t force you to take it either, you have to make your own decisions on that.

Is a sucker for tears though; oh boy it’s downhill now. Just in complete shock and can’t talk. Unlike Zoro though, he won’t do anything to make you stop crying. Will just throw a hoodie/Bepo at you and leave- baby can’t handle that-

Eustass “Captain” Kid

Comfort? Him? Okay maybe just a little-

A tsundere where it matters, but deep down cares about you, he just sucks at showing it (and without insulting you first-). Will mock you for letting things get to you, and let’s all be fair here; was probably the cause of your bad day.

Boy just loves to fight, gives him a rush to see you all pissed at him over something stupid he did or said. However, he will shut up completely once he sees even a shine of wetness in your eyes. All that adrenaline is out the window and guilt has overtaken his system. 

IF by some chance it wasn’t him who hurt you and it was someone else; please expect to see them get their ass beat. He doesn’t give a shit who the person is either, if they made you cry, they lost all respect from him (which wasn’t much so-). Might have you watch him beat them too, or if it’s too much/you are in a state where you can’t handle it, will bring you a bodily souvenir.

 Is the type to suggest you take out your anger in some violent way whether it’s breaking vases or faces, he doesn’t care. “Get the bat babe, we’re going out.”

Killer

He’s the Teddy Bear troupe kind of guy, fight me on it-

Is worried about you the moment you show any low level cues you are having a rough time. Will suggest things you have mentioned in the past that have helped you relax. If you can’t do any of those things or is too down to do anything he will suggest things he knows help him (usually cuddles-).

Will let you play with his hair while you rant about your feelings and how they came to be in that place. Isn’t as bad as Kid, but does imagine what it would be like to show you that you don’t have to worry about a person who upset you because they are dead (if you suggest it though, I mean he ain’t gonna say no).

Babe just wants you to know how much he loves you and needs you in his life; you helped and accepted so much of him he can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose you. So if you are having any negative thoughts, please be honest and tell him, cause he will make them go away in no time. 

Also please tell him if Kid says anything mean to you because he has no problem kicking his captain-

Portgas D. Ace

A sweet pup who just loves to love you. Has no problems if you are having a bad day and honestly same boo, it be like that sometimes. I feel he is the most normal (well close to it anyway) on handling your bad day. Will suggest a few ideas and let you decide. If none sound good, then he wants you to think of something. 

Will make jokes with you and try fun things to distract your mind. The type who doesn’t like to sit in the past and would rather see the future. So makes plans with you on random things to help clear any stress out of you. 

If you are crying would throw his hat on you without saying anything and find the asshole who hurt you to talk to them. If it was something you personally feel will wait to you’re done crying and have the talk with you (Dateline meme “Take a seat”-).

By the end of the day, you honestly forgot you were even upset and that’s his main goal. He wants you to remember all the fun and great things in the world, rather than think about the negative parts we can’t control.

[frostedfaves]

Repercussions (15 - Alt Ending)

Masterlist

Pairing: dark!Natasha Romanoff x dark!Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha and Wanda refuse to leave without you.

Warnings: dark themes, gun mentions, threatened suicide, manipulation

A/N: never expected to write this despite it being highly requested, but with me being stuck with Particular Taste and in the mood to write some angst, I ended up doing it. I’m still down to write angst, so I may do another Sad Song Sunday, but I’ll let you know.

Original part 15

-

“You worried us, printsessa, disappearing like that,” Natasha addresses you in a chilling tone as the two of them stop a few feet away from you. “And we’ll deal with that later, after you tell Wesley to come out so we can punish him first.”

“He’s not here,” you tell her calmly. “His only job was to bring me here--”

“And take the tracker out of your leg, which we will be putting back,” Wanda interjects with a stern expression. “Now you can either come with us to the car willingly or we’ll drag you.”

“I won’t be doing either of those things.” You stand slowly, lifting the gun to your temple as you go. “Your only choices are to leave me here and go back to the way your lives were before I came in, or you can let me die. If you take me again, I’ll just fight you every day until you wish you’d killed me yourself. No matter how you manipulate my mind, my true self will never love someone who wants to control me. I’ll tell you how much I hate you for ruining my life every second I’m able, and I’ll kill myself the moment I get the chance to do so.”

You notice the glassy look in their eyes as they face each other, and you knew they were having a silent conversation in their minds. Seconds feel like minutes as they seem to discuss their options, eventually turning back to face you. Wanda is fully crying now, and Natasha seems to be physically holding back her own emotional break.

“Please don’t do this, printsessa,” Wanda chokes out with a cautious step forward. “We just want you to come home.”

“What’s home to you is a prison to me.”

“But it didn’t always feel like prison, right? Remember those days we’d bake together, and watch your favorite movies all day?”

“Or that time we took you to Coney Island for a week straight because you couldn’t get enough of it?” Natasha added and you sighed.

“You don’t get it, do you? I was obsessed with those Coney Island trips because it was the only time you didn’t make me feel like a kid that would get lost if I wandered too far! The only time I felt like an actual human instead of a fucking meat puppet!”

“The moment we decided to trust you a little, you abandoned us!” Natasha yells so loudly that Wanda even flinches. “We’re in Nebraska right now because you couldn’t stand being a good girl and waiting for us to get home!”

“You left me with a fucking babysitter, Natasha! It doesn’t matter that it was someone I actually wanted around. You installed cameras and tried to bug Wesley and me. You put a tracker in my leg! If you trusted me, why did you go through so much to make sure I couldn’t leave? You can’t say that you love me and treat me like you don’t.”

“I’m so sorry.” Wanda’s voice comes out in a whisper as she steps forward again, and you watch her eyes for any hints of red. “I never meant to make you feel so cornered, but you have to understand that I’m an Avenger. I’ve seen what enemies are out there and at one point I was one, so I just wanted to do what I could to make sure you never ended up in the wrong hands.”

“She’s right,” Natasha chimes in, clearing her throat as a single tear slips down her cheek. “I know what lengths some people will go to hurt the loved ones of the other side because I used to do that exact thing. I’d let the world end before I let any harm come to either of you, and I guess I went a little overboard with protecting you because Wanda has a bit of an advantage.”

“I know I’ll never understand what it’s like to do what you do, and to live with your pasts…” You take a deep breath as you feel a lump forming in your throat, and the hand holding the gun to your head begins to shake. “But I do know what love is supposed to feel like, and it’s not this. I shouldn’t have to worry about setting you off because I didn’t agree with something, or waking up from a week-long mind trance because you didn’t want me to fight back.”

“How about we start over?” Natasha offers, glancing at Wanda and turning back to you once she nods. “No trackers, restraints, babysitters or manipulation. Just us getting to know you and vice versa, and hopefully rebuilding the love you once felt for us.”

“Please.” Wanda gives a pointed look toward the gun still pressed against your temple. “I know how upsetting this already must be for you, so please. Let us help you make it better. Let us fix this and hopefully have an even better relationship in the future.”

“We love you, and we agree that we should’ve gone about this in a healthier way. Please give us the chance to make this right.”

“And you promise there will be no more tricks?” you ask, and Wanda nods as two more tears make an appearance.

“Cross my heart--”

“--and hope to die.”

You stand there for what feels like minutes, your gaze bouncing between the two women in front of you, hoping to gauge their level of sincerity on expressions alone. As much as you didn’t trust them because of everything they’d done before, you’d be lying if you said there wasn’t a part of you that missed those happier moments, and wouldn’t mind starting over to create more. Perhaps it was worth a shot, if they were truly serious about not messing with your mind anymore.

“Okay,” you finally answer, and you notice the relief appear on their faces. “If you’re serious about starting over and doing this the right way, I’ll give this a chance. But you’re going to have to wait a long time before I start to trust you.”

Wanda grins at the two of you as Natasha approaches you cautiously, and you place the gun on the chair behind you before allowing her to pull you into a hug that you melt into surprisingly fast. Your other girlfriend joins the embrace, and her ecstatic giggle is the last thing you hear before everything goes dark.

-

“Y/N/N...hey wake up!”

You jump up suddenly, nearly bumping into the person standing above you. After a few moments of blinking to adjust to the bright sunlight, you turn your head to see your cousin sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Wesley?!” you gasp as he grins in acknowledgement. “What are you doing here and why do you look like shit?”

“You know, I’m gonna let that go because it’s your wedding day, but I’ll get you back later.”

“Wait, my what?”

“Jesus, did you hit your head or something?”

“Feels like it,” you grumble as your eyes close for a moment.

“Bachelorette party must’ve been crazy.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” You sigh and face him again as your eyes open. “Did you have a crazy night too or did you come here all bruised up?”

“I got into a pretty bad accident a little while ago,” he answers after a few moments of silence. “I guess I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t want you to worry, but I probably should’ve said something when I got the invitation in the mail. Which reminds me, it’s time for you to get ready.”

He stands up slowly with the help of a cane beside him and limps out of the room, and a chill washes over you as the door closes behind him. You move to run your hands over your face and pause as you feel a cool metal bump against your nose, and you lower your hands to see a ring on the appropriate finger.

Of course it made sense considering--according to Wesley--you were getting married today, and the ring is exactly what you would want, but it just doesn’t make sense how you got here. As you move onto the bathroom and begin showering, you get hit with flashes of moments with Natasha and Wanda that include the moment they proposed, but it feels a bit more like watching a movie than a memory should. Still, there’s a warm feeling in your chest as you come to terms with the fact that you’re marrying two people that have been so good to you since your relationship was formed.

“Come in!” you respond to a knock on your door as you slip on a robe, smiling as Pepper enters the room holding what seemed to be a dry cleaner’s bag and a small jewelry box.

“Hey there, just bringing your dress.” She drapes it carefully over the end of the bed and faces you while holding the box out to you. “And your almost wives wanted you to wear this.”

You take the object from her and lift the top off, gasping as a necklace is revealed. It consists of a simple silver chain, but the pendant has a spider with a prominent red gem that almost seems to glow as the sunlight makes contact with it.

“Need some help?”

You nod with an appreciative smile as you hand her the necklace and turn around, feeling your smile widen as the cool pendant touches your warm skin. Your fingers run over the spider while you wait for Pepper to secure the chain around your neck, and you face her when she pulls away.

“Thank you. Wait!” you call out as she turns to leave. “I just have to ask...Do you think going through with this wedding is a smart idea?”

“Well, I haven’t been around the three of you much, but I’ve seen the way Natasha and Wanda react whenever you’re mentioned. It’s equivalent to someone finding out they won the lottery, honestly. I also know how much time and effort they put into making this house as safe as possible to put their minds at ease about you while they’re away on missions. In my opinion, I think you’re in good hands here, but I’m also not there for the little things. I’d recommend just listening to what your heart tells you.”

You thank her before she leaves the room, letting her words echo in your mind for a bit before moving to get ready for the ceremony. The dress, you quickly discover, is an exact replica of one you’d seen in a magazine that you loved so much you saved it in a scrapbook for years. How you’d managed to track it down, you had no idea, but the questioning thoughts seemed to fade away a bit once you realized how amazing it felt to be finally wearing it.

“How do you feel?” Wesley asks once you reach the bottom of the stairs, and you loop your arm through his free one as he leads you to the back yard.

“If I’m being honest, I’m super nervous about all this. Everything’s felt like a weird coma dream since the moment I opened my eyes.”

“Hey, you’re about to spend the rest of your life with Natasha and Wanda,” he reminds you quietly, and your gaze shifts away from his joyous expression to the small crowd that begins to stand upon your arrival and Natasha and Wanda smiling at you from the end of the flowery path. 

“It’s what you’ve always wanted.”

-

**for future dark!fics you must be 18+ and have your age in your bio in order to be tagged**

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[astermacguffin]

Okay. I warn y'all that this is very much a Poast™. This is another one of Those Poasts™. You have been warned.

I very much blame (affectionate) @autisticandroids for this, since this is pretty much me trying to combine as many concepts as possible from the #mpregpocalypse tag.

In this au, Cas is pretty much just collecting babies left and right. The following stuff are all simultaneously true in this spn mpreg rewrite:

- Cas absorbs the deanlisa baby and carries the child himself. This is his first pregnancy. This is also the most "monstrous" of his children because of the godstiel stuff and the leviathans.

- For maximum effect, I don't want Cas to give birth just yet. I want Benny to see Cas with the baby bump and put the dots together in his head. I want Cas to give birth alone, after Dean and Benny already went through the rift. I want Naomi to take Cas out of purgatory and leave his child alone there. I want Cas to grieve for the loss of his child when he remembers. (We'll go back to this in the future.)

- Dean fucks Casifer at one point and impregnates Cas' body. (I mean, with Casifer peeling off his layers and thotting up the place while in the bunker? Not surprising tbh.) NOTE. I wanna be clear with something: this baby is Dean and Lucifer's nephil. I mean, biologically it's a Destiel baby, but with Cas' grace growing weaker and him being possessed by Lucifer, in terms of grace this is pretty much Lucifer's nephil. (But also not??? Because what allowed the conception to happen in the first place is Cas wanting it SO BAD.)

- No one else notices the conception of this baby because Cas hides it within himself (the same way he did with the deanlisa baby) and pauses the pregnancy at will.

- When Cas meets Kelly, they are very much BOTH pregnant with Lucifer's kid. Remember that screenshot where they both look pregnant and bonding about their babies? Yeah, this is inspired by that. When Cas touches Kelly's baby bump and they like soulbond or whatever, Kelly looks at him and goes "oh you're pregnant too?"

- Cas tells him that it's Dean's child, but leaves out the Lucifer part. They already have one Lucifer nephil in danger, he doesn't need anyone else knowing this secret (especially since he hid the nature of this child so well for so long). Kelly thinks he's hiding it because of the Dean part.

- They both know Kelly's not gonna survive giving birth, so they already have a plan: Cas will transfer the pregnancy to himself when it's almost time for Jack to come out (the same way he did with the deanlisa baby). Cas is confident that he'll survive what Kelly cannot. (His hubris, of course, always tend to bite him back.) Dean, Mary, and Sam arrive just in time to see Cas pregnant and about to give birth. Kelly catches them up on the plot.

- Cas dies of childbirth due to an unexpected complication: the pregnancy transfer triggers the birth of the other child inside him, which makes him give birth to TWO children. The strength of the explosion unfortunately kills both him and Kelly, rendering Cas' sacrifice as pointless. (As much as I wanna keep Kelly alive, the point of this au is to inflict as much damage as possible)

- Lucifer and Mary still get stuck in Apocalypse world, and now Dean and Sam have to care for TWO children, one of which is Jack (who still grows quickly) and...another baby? They have no idea who the fuck this baby is until they find two videos: one made by Kelly and one by Cas (a backup plan they made just in case one or both of them don't survive).

- In the video, Cas reveals that the child is his and Dean's nephil (again, removing the Lucifer part). Dean just takes it in stride (since they had enough sex in the later seasons for it to be a genuine possibility) and takes Cas's word.

- In any other scenario, Sam would definitely be teasing Dean for impregnating Cas. But since Cas is dead and they're still grieving, he shelves this conversation for a future time. (With so much plot happening, Sam never finds the right chance and eventually just forgets it. He's just happy that he was right all along.)

- They agree to never let anyone else learn about the baby's nature, which the baby seems to understand as well, choosing to not manifest any angelic abilities. In fact, the baby internalized Cas' instructions to keep all their secrets under wraps that the kid goes selectively mute throughout the series. (I wanna see Eileen teaching ASL to the kid.)

- The two babies scenario works great for two reasons: it satisfies my "give Dean a baby" instinct (that pretty much drives my baby jack truthing) while still keeping Jack the way that he is in canon.

- Dean lets the baby rest on Cas' chest for a short while before wrapping Cas up with the curtains. Both Dean and the baby cry over the body.

- I want to give Jack as many Problems Disorders in this au. I want him to be jealous of the way Dean treats his twin (because they're pretty much twins, right? They have the same grace-father, they got birthed by the same body, so yeah).

- Dean treats the baby with as much care and love while still treating Jack like shit. Sam once calls him out on it and says "Dean, they're both Cas' children." Dean throws out an "I can hardly look at the freak" rant. Jack wakes up Cas from the Empty, yada yada.

More fucked up shit below the cut:

- I wanna keep this as close to canon as I can, so Dean would still exhibit suicidality before Tombstone. You would think that the baby would at least hinder this instinct, but he genuinely believes that he's poison and that everyone he touches dies. (And besides, Sam is good with both Jack and the baby so they won't need me anymore, right?)

- Cas comes back, and things mostly stay the same as in canon (except there's now a baby there, who honestly won't influence much of the plot until later). Dean never really apologized that much to Jack in canon (and I still hate it) but in this au, it would work perfectly. I want Jack to believe that Dean still sees him as a freak, even if he's a bit nicer now that Cas is back. (I can and will put my entire pussy into the Dean-as-John, Jack-as-Sam parallels.)

- When Jack kills Mary, Cas hides it from Dean and Sam. We're going full Torturewife on this one, folks.

- Jack's truth spell forces Cas to confess that (1) Cas hid the fact about Jack's soullessness; (2) Cas lied about Jack killing Mary, and; (3) the Destiel baby is technically a Dean/Lucifer nephil. Chaos fucking ensues.

- Dean has to confront the fact that both of the kids (HIS kids) are Lucifer's spawn.

- Chuck doesn't really care about the baby since it never manifested any powers (yet), unlike Jack (who is a genuine threat to him).

- Moriah happens, Jack dies. (And it's even more fucked up now because despite being soulless, Jack remembers all the insecurities he got from Dean. The "It's okay, I understand" line Jack says to Dean while having a gun pointed to him is sooooooo.) Rupture happens, their divorce is finalized and Cas takes custody of the baby.

- Cas having some father-child bonding with the baby as a breather between all this fucked up stuff.

- The Trap happens, they make up, and oh? Who's this person who helped Cas escape and get the flower? It's the deanlisa baby, but now grown! Together with Emma! She was thankfully found by her big sister, Emma, when she was a baby in purgatory. She had to grow up fast and now they survive together.

- After eating Eve in order to save Cas, the deanlisa child is now technically the new Mother of monsters. Dean explains the Chuck problem, so the two choose to come with them to help.

- Cas never really explained the deanlisa baby, huh? When they get back with their now grown child (and Emma, who doesn't really hold a grudge over the entire Sam killing her thing) and Cas explains, Dean is baffled but takes it in stride. I mean, they just made up! He doesn't wanna fight with him anymore and he wants the family together again!

- They make the two stay with the baby so they'll be safe in the bunker while they try to trap Chuck with the Mark of Cain spell. It fails, of course. (But hey, at least there was sibling bonding time in the bunker.)

- Billie brings back Jack and they formulate a plan (Billie doesn't go evil in this one btw.) They strengthen Jack, Jack knows that he'll be a bomb and is totally fine with it. "Maybe if I do this one good thing, Dean won't see me as a freak anymore." Remember, Jack internalized a lot of the shit Dean said.

- Cas attempts to call out the self-sacrificial bullshit and that Dean actually loves him, but Jack insists. "You would do the same! In fact, you have done the same! (In reference to the Empty deal, which still happens here btw.) I'm just learning from all of you." If there's one thing I'm obsessed about in fics, it's when Jack calls them out for learning martyrdom from team free will.

- Dean finds out about the plan and tries to talk Jack out of it. They have a heart-to-heart, Dean finally fucking apologizes for all the complexes that he's given Jack, and Jack (for the first time) finally believes that Dean doesn't see him as a monster anymore. Jack stops the process so he doesn't become a bomb (but at least he's stronger than he was before).

- They call Billie to come up with an alternative plan. She considers the options, and says an alternative plan would be harder and would require more players in the field. "As long as we don't have to sacrifice any of our loved ones anymore, we're good," Dean says. "I don't think that's an easy request, but we'll try," Billie says, giving a pointed look at Cas. (Hmmmm, wonder how this would come to play later?)

- Billie points out that the destiel baby is in fact not powerless, but is instead choosing to supress their own power. If the child can be convinced to unlock their own capabilities, then perhaps they might stand a better chance at winning.

- They spread out to gather more allies: Sam goes to Rowena, Dean goes to Michael, Billie goes to Gabriel (yes, he's alive here), and the kids stay in the bunker with Cas to try and explore each other's abilities. (Since I hated the Michael-Lucifer nonsense of 15x19, none of that happens here. Lucifer doesn't go back and Michael doesn't betray them.)

- Jack finds out that he can push out all the energy he gathered for the bomb into a one-time-use blast. They find out that the baby can apparently enhance the power of whoever they're holding. And the new Eve apparently has traces of Godstiel/Leviathan still in her after being in the womb with them. (She also spends the time catching up with Cas because they've not seen each other for years.) Emma is just vibing there, adoring her powerful younger siblings and interrogating her father's...husband? Boyfriend? Ex? (She's still confused about their status.)

- This goes just like in S11, and they go all out and attack Chuck together until he's weak enough for Death's scythe. There's one shot where the kids are just holding hands to power each other for Jack to deliver a fatal blow. Billie is just around the corner, ready for the final blow, when Cas turns to Dean.

- "Dean, I need to say something." Cue the 15x18 confession scene, except this time Dean knows about the deal now. So the moment Dean realizes what Cas is doing, he tries to stop him.

- "Stop, please stop. Don't say it, you don't have to say it." Because of course, happiness is in just being, it's in just saying it. And Dean knows what true happiness would do.

- But unfortunately, Cas has to do it. (Billie talked to him about it, and her scythe won't exactly do a clean job with something as powerful as a Chuck-Amara hybrid. I don't know when or why they fused together since the bomb plan was cancelled, but it happened here okay? Yeah. So they need something that is guaranteed to be older and greater than God or the Darkness—the Empty. Billie can only go there, but she can't summon it to be on Earth. Enter Cas' deal.)

- Cas says "I love you," Dean reciprocates, they share a final kiss, and then Billie finally reaps God. The Empty arrives to take Chuck, and Cas shares one final moment with his kids before accepting his fate.

- Billie goes to the Empty to make sure the job was done, and she finally gives the Shadow the sleep that she promised. She uses her scythe on the Shadow, because death is the final slumber. (Of course, you can't exactly kill nothingness; she only destroyed an embodiment/personification of the Empty.)

- Post-fight. They're happy because Chuck is finally defeated but also...Cas. Before they even have the chance to process what the fuck just happened, Billie is back and she has Cas with her. "I just put the Shadow into sleep, so it's not like anyone would notice," she says. The problem is that Cas is still very much asleep. (He still has some grace here btw. Maybe he's not at full angel anymore, but he's not fully human either. There wasn't a need to cut out his grace without warning.)

- Dean and the kids crowd Cas' body. The baby's touch on Cas's shoulder (which burns a mark that parallels Dean's) is what wakes him up. Reunion kiss!

- Happy ending! Michael (with Adam) goes back to heaven to fix things, and they are very much implied to be a couple. Midam rights babyyyyyy! Gabriel goes back to roaming the world and occasionally visits the kids.

- Sam and Eileen organizes a hunter's network and organizes a bunch of safety protocols and rehabilitation projects with the help of the new Eve (which most monsters obey, key word most). Oh, and Saileen definitely swings regularly with Rowena (and occasionally with Gabriel when he's around).

- Emma decides that she likes hanging out with the Wayward Sisters better (and you know what? Good for her). The new Eve decides to hang out there often as well (whenever she isn't busy with monster diplomacy or something).

- When Jack finally feels safe and peaceful enough, he reverts back to his child form. The baby, who has been selectively mute this entire time, holds their brother's face in recognition and utters their first word, which is "JACK!" Dean and Cas cry in joy over this entire exchange. (That's his twin! He missed his twin!)

- They move out of the bunker to get their own house by a lake or something. Whenever the topic of pregnancy comes up again ("Dean, when do you want another baby again?"), they can now playfully joke about it and Dean says something like "Don't steal someone else's baby again, okay? The next baby to be inside you needs to be mine." They're both stupidly horny about the subject, I hate them so much.

- Whenever there's an important event, they all celebrate it in the bunker for the extra space (because their family is, indeed, very large). END.

There's something poetic to me about the Empty being the one that beats Chuck in this mpreg rewrite because technically, the Empty is the Original Womb that gave birth to God. It it the nothingness of potential, the dark water of pregnant beginnings.

All this talk about the Empty and stuff also made me stop and think about the metaphysics of spn. The fact that the Darkness and the Empty are two distinct entities says something interesting about the metaphysical reality of spn. It doesn't treat darkness as a mere absence of light, a mere nothingness, but rather a thing/substance of its own. It's a very Manichean kind of metaphysics as opposed to a Platonic/Neoplatonic one. (Oh, St. Augustine would probably have a blast trying to unravel whatever the fuck is happening with spn.)

The fact that it's also Cas' free will that brought upon God's demise? Delicious.

(If you're still reading, congratulations for finishing my very long spn mpreg rewrite. Why did you do this to yourself tho.)

(also apologies if I didn't give a name to Jack's siblings. I haven't thought of a good name for them just yet)

[sailors-diary-for-elise]

Reaching Out

SEE! SOMETHING OTHER THAN SMUT. Also this one is old and a bit dusty, sooooo warnings are gonna be to the best of my ability. ALSO. THIS IS ANGST AND HAS TRIGGERING THEMES. PLEASE SCROLL PAST IF THE WARNINGS ARE DISTRESSING TO YOU. I wrote this during a really difficult day and was just word vomiting tbh. I am also gonna state that this is a work of fiction and I am in no way a therapist or anything, so if something here bothers you I’m sorry this is just something I wrote mostly for myself.

Warnings: god this is painful but here we go. Reader is depressed and has anxiety, mentions of self-inflicted injuries (she punches a mirror...repeatedly-), blood, panic attacks, it takes a few of the members to restrain the reader so if you’re uncomfortable with that please don’t read this, this is honestly just a hard read imo so please read with care. Also, the reader hates herself and just doesn’t really think highly of herself at all sooooo yeah-

It was the fourth time this month. The fourth argument that could’ve and should’ve ended differently.

You’d come out of your room to find San off at practice or on some work related schedule, spend the entire day outside trying to break a horrible cycle in your mind, just to disappear again once he returned home. It was frustrating you both and causing a serious strain in your relationship.

On San’s side, he couldn’t understand why it was that you would fight against him trying to get you to come out of your room when you spent the entire day alone. Then there was his frustration when you would complain about never seeing him and yet would disappear and avoid him when he was available. To San, it didn’t make any sense. All he wanted to do was spend time with you and support you, but it seemed as though you were determined to shut him out. He watches you storm off to your bedroom, running a hand through his hair as he tries to recall the last time he’d come back from a schedule and had a nice quiet evening that didn’t end in you both screaming at each other. When he can’t, San grabs his jacket and walks out of the apartment with his phone and keys, planning on spending the night at the dorms so that you can have some space to cool off. Once he gets in his car, he quickly dials Hongjoong’s number, pulling out of the parking garage of your complex and letting out all of his frustrations and concerns. 

As he drove, San had no way of knowing how much you hated yourself for what was happening between you both.

What San didn’t know was that your depression and anxiety had been spiraling lately due to the pressure that had been placed on your shoulders from not only your work but from being the girlfriend of an idol that had become so famous. He didn’t know that every day you were terrified that, now that his future was so bright and secure, he’d no longer want you. That he’d leave you just like so many before had done, and that he’d realize you were no longer something of use to him. And finally, how you criticize every minute of your life, finding ways that you are failing even when you’ve done nothing but your best. It came to the point that waking up from dreams was physically painful, because you could control a dream and guarantee the people you love never turned their backs on you. San didn’t, or rather, couldn’t know this. Because to know this would mean you would have to tell him. And no one should have to bear this burden but you, and there was always that small part of you that was terrified of having your feelings invalidated. 

Your whole life people have toyed with you, accepting your depression only when it was convenient to them and berating you once the curtains fall. Some even went as far as to weaponize your emotions, tearing you down in an argument with something that was the equivalent to the beating heart in your chest. Yes they would apologize and you would eventually forgive them because people make mistakes. But the thing about words is that once they leave someone’s mouth, the damage is already done and there’s no amount of remorse or forgiveness that can repair it. That’s where you are now.

You slam the door shut, leaving all the lights in your room turned off, your head pounding after the screaming match you and San had just finished (rather, you ran out on and barricaded the door so he wouldn’t see you cry) and your face stained with tears. Not a sound left you as you curled up on the bed, biting your fist as a punishment for your body's betrayal of emotions. All it would take was one minute of silence and the entire apartment would be able to hear how you were feeling. In all honesty, you didn’t want San to see you cry. Because in your mind, you didn’t deserve to cry. You were the one who picked a fight. You're the one who made unfair accusations, using his career and passions as weapons against him. You were the one that hurt him in the same ways that had been done to you, falsely claiming that it was to “beat him to it and strike first.” 

The front door slams shut, and you work quickly. You unbarricade the door and peek out, making sure no one is there. Dashing across the living space, you reach the spare bedroom and lock the door, not seeing the need for such extreme measures as earlier. You then sit with your back to the door, listening for the sign of San’s safe return from the store. Your butt has just about gone numb when this occurs, the front door shutting softly alerting you instantly. You rise from your position, albeit a little slowly due to your cramped muscles, and shuffle to the bed. A knock sounds, and a decision has to be made.

“Y/N? I know you’re awake. Can you come to bed? You and I both know that neither of us can sleep alone anymore.” San mumbles through the door. You hear shuffling, and you hold your breath thinking he might unlock the door. You’re not sure though, whether you’re holding your breath in hope or fear. But all you hear is a thud, indicating San sitting down. “Look, we don’t have to talk. You don’t even need to look at me, it just feels better for both of us if I’m holding you through the night, because at the end of the day, we still love each other, right?” 

San’s cheeks are marked with tear streaks, eyes red and puffy as he waits for any sign of confirmation from you. He loves you more than anything else, so much so that he’d give up everything for you, and needed to hear that you still loved him as well. He holds his breath, hands covering his face while he waits for you to show him a sign that you’re even listening. That you’re even there. 

You tip-toe over to the door, gently crouching down in front of it and rest your fingertips lightly on the wood, near where his shoulder is supposed to be. It’s cold and unyielding, but this is the bravest you’ll ever be. You hear a sigh on the other side, almost as if he can sense your presence.

“You know, you don’t have to keep it all in. From the first moment I saw you, I knew that there was so much going on in your life that it’d take time to get you to trust me. And I still want that. I want to know what’s going on in your life again. I want to hold you as you're crying again. And I want to repay you for all the times you’ve helped me.” San whispers, his voice showing how much of a toll this has taken on him. “I know a lot has changed, I travel a lot, and it’s harder for us to go anywhere without me being recognized. But I promise you that my feelings for you, the amount of love I feel for you, it’s all still there. If anything, I love you even more now than before. I don’t want to lose you Y/N. I want to keep fighting for us and I just need you to reach out to me, show me you want this too. Open the door, even if it’s just a crack, and let me help heal those open wounds. Yes there will be scars and yes it will take time, but I’m willing to wait.”

At this point you have tears streaming down your face as you withdraw your hand. You don’t move though, despite your broken mind willing you to do so, you stay rooted in your spot. Sniffles break through the other side, showing how much San is hurting. You feel as though there’s a war going on inside of you, your heart begging you to open the door and stop this madness, but your mind resolute on keeping this wall up. 

“I. Can’t.” you croak out, bringing your trembling hand to your lips and nibbling your thumbnail as you rise slowly. “They were right, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.”

“What? Who told you that?” San questions, confusion swirling in his head as he struggles to better understand where this was coming from. Standing, San presses his hands to the door, trying to open it only to find it locked. “Love, talk to me.”

“All I’ve been doing is hurting you, and I’m sorry. ” You whimper, your mind screaming at you to shut-up and not give away anything while your heart, your very being, is begging to be set free and allow him back in. “I, I love you, San.” And with that you rise, walking towards the bathroom attached to the room. You close the door, locking it and turning to the mirror to see your disheveled state. Tears stain your cheeks, your eyes have bags under them, and your hair is greasy and a mess from the lack of effort on your part to take care of yourself. 

Thoughts swirl and distort your reflection, harsh words clouding your mind. Some of the words surface from your past, some are from deep within you stemming from your lack of forgiveness for yourself. You don’t deserve forgiveness or a second chance. You don’t deserve him caring for you. You’re toxic. You do nothing but hurt him. Toxic. Toxic. 

You start screaming, starting in your gut and ripping out through your mouth, scaring the shit out of San who begins pounding on the door. You hear him calling out to you, but it’s muffled in your head as you continue to sob and scream at your reflection, running your hands through your hair before tugging on it out of frustration. The longer you look at yourself, the worse the feeling in your gut gets as the harsh words continue to tear you apart, worsening with each passing moment. With one last scream you pull your arm back and punch the mirror, desperate to feel something other than the all consuming self-hatred. And it works.

There’s a crack on the mirror with droplets of blood in the center. You bring your trembling hand into view, noticing your knuckles slightly bloodied and cut. The pain replaces all of the noise in your head, if only for a moment, and you become entranced by it. Raising your fist again, you punch the mirror once, twice, three more times before stopping to look at your handy work. The crack has grown and your hand is bleeding steadily, a couple of pieces of glass stuck in your knuckles. You’re ashamed of what and who you’ve become and raise your fist again when the door breaks down.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” San shouts, restraining your flailing and screaming form as tears stream down your face. Four pairs of hands are pulling you out of the bathroom, with San’s arms wrapped tightly around your waist as he pulls you on the bed. He immediately starts shushing you, whispering into your hair as he wraps his legs around you as well, restricting you so the others can clean you up and call an ambulance if need be. At this point though, he doesn’t need to as you’ve gone completely limp, sobbing into his neck loudly as the emotions you’ve kept hidden flood out in a wave that swallows you whole. “Shh baby, it’s okay. We’re here now and we’re not leaving you. I’ve got you, we’ve got you. It’s okay, it’s okay.” His voice is trembling, absolutely terrified by what he’s just experienced. It’s lucky that Hongjoong, Yunho, and Seonghwa arrived when they did or he might have been too late, having planned on coming to help San piece back together your relationship. It took Yunho and Seonghwa to break down the doors, and all four of them carried you out of the bathroom so you wouldn’t hurt yourself or them.

Soon, you run out of energy and are left whimpering and quivering in San’s hold, slowly coming to your senses as you hear running water, hushed murmurs, and the cabinet mirror (or what’s left of it) being opened in search of something. When the realization sets in that San, Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Yunho have seen you at your worst, your chest tightens and your breathing becomes irregular which are the first signs of a panic attack. Something San was familiar with but hadn’t seen happen in some time.

“No no no no.” San repeats, noticing the changes in your behavior and looking towards the bathroom. “Hongjoong! It’s getting worse!”

Immediately, footsteps can be heard heading in your direction, and a gentle face appears in the corner of your eye. Hongjoong slowly reaches forward, grasping the hand that had begun curling in on itself to the point of almost drawing blood and pulling it away from your chest.

“Sweetie, grab my hand and squeeze that instead. You won’t hurt me, I swear.” Hongjoong whispers, slowly working his nimble fingers between your clenched ones. It comes as a surprise to him when, instead of resisting, your hand flies open into a rigid position. “Shh… it’s okay sweet-heart. How about this. Follow this.”

Your hand is placed on a firm and warm chest, a slight bump hitting your palm and drawing your attention to the pattern. It’s his heartbeat. Hongjoong’s pulse creates a rhythm in your head, distracting you from your fears and disdain towards yourself momentarily while Seonghwa and Yunho both return to the room, one holding medical supplies and the other holding a bowl with warm water and a towel. Crouching in front of you, Seonghwa notices the hand on Hongjoong’s chest is the one that’s injured, glancing at San who is fighting back tears as he strokes your hair.

“Y/n-ah. We have to clean your hand. Put your hand on San’s chest, follow his heartbeat.” Seonghwa says in a firm yet kind tone. At this point, you’ve lost almost all self-awareness, too exhausted to fight anyone as you nod partially, removing your hand from Hongjoong’s chest to place on San’s. “No sweetie. The other hand.” Seonghwa instructs, a heartbroken smile crossing his face at the sight of you behaving like a toddler who skipped their nap. You look confused, bringing your hand to your face to inspect it, finding the streaks of blood and bits of glass as a few tears trickle down your face. 

You’re not sure how long it takes for Seonghwa to properly clean your hands, or when you got changed into one of San’s shirts that fits like a dress, but as you’re lied down on the bed with San, who’s watching you intently to make sure any slight changes on your face are caught immediately, you find yourself in an almost numbed mind-frame. Too exhausted and confused to comprehend anything around you. 

Your eyes slowly close, the occasional tear slipping out only to be swiped gently away by San. San, the last thing you see before you fall into a dreamless sleep. And you are blissfully unaware of what’s to come in the morning.

As you snore softly in San’s grasp, your chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, Yunho leaves the room to clean up the mess that has been left behind with Seonghwa following closely behind, most likely to comfort the younger boy. Hongjoong reaches forward to brush hair out your eyes and slowly strokes your cheek. Who knew such a small body could take this much pain? he wonders to himself, not even beginning to understand what caused you to struggle so much and break down so devastatingly. And that’s the only way to describe your attack. Devastating.

Like a tsunami, you receded from social outings and even your true love San, and once they realized what was happening and why you’d “changed” the wave had already hit. But his main question was voiced by San.

“Hyung.” San rasps out, looking up at Hongjoong with tears streaming down his face. “Why-or how did this happen? What caused this? What are we-what am I supposed to do?” 

San’s breathing becomes labored, almost as if the weight of the situation has sat fully on his chest. He chokes on a sob, looking at you in your angelic state while pressing a gentle and wet kiss to the top of your head while crying. He clutches you to his chest, rocking slightly and burying his face in your head. Hongjoong panics, thinking he’ll wake you but settles once realizing how exhausted you must be. “Why would she keep this from me?”

“San-ah, I honestly don’t have the answer to that.” Hongjoong mumbles, holding his own tears back with a few deep breaths before looking at the pair of you. He honestly considered Ateez his family, and you became his little sister that he felt he needed to protect from the world. If only he’d realized sooner how much damage the world had already done to you. “But I do know one thing. Now more than ever, she needs us.”

San looks at his hyung and leader, absolutely wrecked from the storm of emotions that flowed between you two. “How?” he croaks out.

“I’m not sure. But what I do know is that the storm hasn’t gone and that this is only the beginning of our journey.” Hongjoong places a hand on your cheek and his other on San’s hand, squeezing slightly in hopes of reassuring the younger boy. “I see how much you need her San. And how much she needs you. She’s scared San. More so than any of us right now. Which is why we have to stay with her no matter what. No matter what she might say or do to scare us off, we have to fight through it all and show her we are here for her. Because if we don’t.” Hongjoong’s voice cracks, revealing his true emotions and the toll this whole ordeal has taken on him. “We might lose her forever.”

San sits quietly, shaking slightly from the silent tears that are being shed and pulling you closer to his chest if that was even possible, crying himself into a slumber much like you did moments prior. Hongjoong rises, tucking both of you in like he would an upset child, and walking into the bathroom. The scene that awaits him is what finally breaks his own dam of tears, collapsing next to Seonghwa and Yunho who are both crouched down. They’ve hunched over, scrubbing the white tiles of your blood and throwing glass shards away in a paper bag. Upon noticing Hongjoong, Yunho drops what’s in his hands, embracing his leader and best friend. His tears fall as well, the sight of someone as strong as Hongjoong breaking down terrifying him. 

Seonghwa wipes the few stray tears before rising, quickly finishing the task of cleaning before ushering the two broken boys out of the room. He sits Hongjoon and Yunho down, pulling out a paper and pen and titling it “Y/n’s Healing.”

“We’ll make a plan, and take this journey one step at a time. Until Y/n’s finally healed.” Seonghwa states, immediately writing steps and plans he’s already come up with in his head. And so the journey begins.