#my fucking hard knock life project. im so. it's my favorite im so fucking sad

[muffinrag]

trying to be so calm about accidentally deleting a bunch of videos that were part of my favorite project but deep down i do kind of want to explode the entire world and then myself

[softyoongiionly]

Fear and Dumplings: Chapter Six

Confronting your fears for a final grade sounds unappealing but, with Yoongi as your partner, things might not be so bad.

Summary: You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears. Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: College Au, Underground Rapper! Yoongi, Soft!!! Yoongi, Fluff!!!, some moderate angst (later), smut (later later),  slow-ish? burn

Word Count: 5.1K

A/N: I’m literally on fire after writing this chapter lol. I hope you like it!😊

Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of fear, anxiety, sadness, some angst aka Jimin is an insecure boy who is unaware that he is literaly heaven on earth, swearing, suggestive situations/concepts, if you squint really hard you can see the beginnings of smut.

Warnings for the Fic: mentions characters confronting their fears, characters in uncomfortable situations, emotional moments between characters, mentions of bad parenting, explicit language throughout the fic, moderate angst, and very explicit smut later in the story.

Chapter 6: Doubt and Shadow Demons

You’re lying on your bed in one of your many baggy t-shirts, smiling like an idiot at your phone. Jimin had sent you screenshots of what he believed to be Yoongi’s twitter. If Jimin wasn’t aiming to be a dancer, you would have suggested a career as a private investigator because,  he could literally find anyone. You hadn’t asked Jimin to go looking for more information on Yoongi but, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested. His Twitter was mostly black, no bio and, no location but, the avatar was a picture of Yoongi wearing headphones, his newly blonde hair disheveled as he smiled at the camera. He really had no business being that cute. ‘@agustd93’ was his handle and you furrowed your brows in confusion as you tried to decipher what it could mean.  Yoongi didn’t seem to tweet much, he just retweeted a lot of music equipment accounts however, there were a few scattered tweets here and there that made you laugh.

“Roommates are drunk, again. They can’t hold their alcohol for shit.”

“Update: Drunk Hobi is obsessed with my cheeks and, I swear if he pinches them one more time, I’m going to cut his hands off.”

“Another Update: Joon just started crying after explaining to me that, “we are all just little flowers in the garden of life, trying to find our bees.” What the fuck does that even mean?”

You giggle, shaking your head, your thumb scrolling down to search for more tweets. There were more scattered between retweets of what you assumed to be the latest music equipment as Yoongi quoted some of the them with captions like ‘Dream Studio’ and ‘if only I wasn’t broke.’ You kept scrolling before coming across a tweet that made your stomach flutter.

‘Where? Everywhere.’

Fuck. He tweeted that last night. After you and Yoongi got off the Ferris Wheel, you actually ended up having a pretty decent time. The two of you got dinner at the park and wrote your experiences down in your research journals. Yoongi acted like the conversation on the Ferris Wheel never happened but, he seemed to warm up to you more and more as the night progressed. But still, nothing flirty occurred between the two of you and, Yoongi was very careful not to get too close to you. The whole thing was very confusing, one minute, Yoongi’s admitting that he would kiss you ‘everywhere, if you let him’ and, the next minute he’s treating you like he normally did. This tweet was sent at 11:30 which would have been around the time he got back to his place. Maybe it wasn’t about you, Yoongi seemed to have a habit of being vague and, he easily could have been talking about something else but, none the less, it made your heart skip a beat.

Did you like Yoongi? More importantly, did it matter? You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of your complicated thoughts as you rolled out of bed. Marzipan throws a complaint your way as you walk past her lounging at the end of the mattress. Normally, you would be out at your favorite crepe café gossiping with Jimin over some iced coffee but, Jimin had texted you the night before saying that his showcase rehearsal was running late and he didn’t think he’d get any sleep if he met up with you. You had of course met this with an abundance of understanding as you knew better than anyone how hard Jimin had been working at his showcase routine. So, instead of meeting up with your best friend, you planned on working on your final paper for your International Relations course. You had been working on it all semester and, felt accomplished that for once, you didn’t procrastinate. Green tea was essential for today’s writing session so; you brewed a decent sized pot before, continuing your paper. Marzipan eventually made her way out into your living room, opting to sprawl out on the couch, claiming her space as usual.

After writing for some time, you glance at the clock at the bottom of your laptop and your eyes widen. Shit. You had been writing for 4 hours. How was it possible that much time had passed? You had gotten a lot done, adding an additional 6-7 pages to the giant that was your final paper. Just after leaning back in your chair and stretching your limbs, your phone lights up with a text message.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): I miss the squad tho.

You giggle at the message, your heart warming as you reply.

BROS 4 LYFE: me too tho :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): me 3 tho :/ :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): MY BABIES :( i miss u guys.

A hint of sadness plucks at your chest as you read the messages being sent in by your friends. You had made new friends in school and, college had been an overall fun time but, you had to admit that you never stopped missing having all three of your bestfriends in one place. The past four years hadn’t been the same without them and you couldn’t wait til the four of you graduated so, that you could finally have your group back together again. Jungkook had been drafted to play pro ball on a minor league team in your current city and, Taehyung had made the decision earlier in the semester to pursue his masters in art history at the school you and Jimin were currently attending. This meant that in a few short weeks, everything would back to normal for a little while.

BROS 4 LYFE: only a few more weeks my dudes, we got this.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook) stay on that grind squad, college grad hours are about to be open.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): kookie and tae, will you be here for my showcase? It’s two weeks before graduation.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): duh. We wouldn’t miss it for the world Jiminie.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): yea we would never miss a chance to see the world’s shortest ballerina.

Your eyes widen as you laugh, already imagining Jimin igniting in fury when he reads the message. His reply comes before you are able to chime in.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): YAH! IM NOT A BALLERINA!

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): I AM A CONTEMPORARY DANCER.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THE CHAMPION CONTEMPORARY DANCER

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THREE YEARS RUNNING THANKYOUVERYMUCH

At this point you’re in a full blown laughing fit, shaking your head as your fiery best friend pops off in the chat.

BROS 4 LYFE:  go best friend, that’s my best friend.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): let the record show that Kookie bought 12 of the limited edition Jimin shirts that your school sold after he won the championships.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T TELL

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): >:)

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): love u kookie

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): …love u too…

The responses eventually dwindle down and, you decide to hop in the shower to tend to the mop of hair that was growing slightly greasy on your head. Afterwards, you throw on a cozy sweatshirt and your favorite pair of fuzzy pajama shorts and, settle on the couch to watch some Netflix. You hadn’t had a night in to yourself in a long time and, it felt amazing to be able to sit around and, do nothing.  Marzipan made her way up your body before, snuggling up in the free space between you and the edge of the couch. As your fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur, you feel your lids becoming heavier and heavier and, finally, you drift off into a much needed nap.

Needless to say, the nap turned into you passing out around 7:30 and, sleeping through the night until, finally, you awake to the ethereal sound of the never-ending city construction. You grumble as you pull the covers over your head to drown out the noise causing Marzipan, who clearly hadn’t left her spot all night, to flee from the couch.  Checking your phone, you noticed a few messages from your group-chat and a snapchat or two from some of your other friends. After responding to the majority of your missed messages, you drag yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen to make some coffee. The microwave displayed the current time: 7:45am; an unholy time to be awake on a Saturday morning. The coffee was finishing up before a loud knock at your door caused you to jump out of your skin. Who the hell was at your house at 7:45 in the morning? You gingerly made your way to the door, hoping that it was just someone from maintenance. Opening the door, you nearly scream as a tuft of pink hair practically collapses into your arms. It was Jimin and, he was crying.

“Jimin, babe, what’s wrong?” You hold him to you, your eyes wide with concern as you usher him into your apartment.

“I can’t do it y/n, I can’t do anything right.” He cries into your t-shirt, his hands clutching you as if you’re about to slip away.

You rub his back, maneuvering you both onto your couch, Jimin clinging to you all the while.

“Hey, hey, that’s not true at all.” You murmur soothingly. “Jimin, what brought this on? Did something happen?”

Jimin, still crying, nods, as the tears stream down his puffy cheeks.

“I’ve been rehearsing for…for 36 hours…and I ca…can’t….do it…I can’t get it right. I ke…keep messing up. I’m n…not getting it…they’re…they’re going to drop me from the showcase if I can’t do it….they…they will…” At this point, your heart is broken, your usually smiley best friend is completely shattered, sobbing, into your arms. You hadn’t seen him like this since he had his first serious breakup sophomore year and, even that couldn’t compare to what you saw before you.

“Shh…minnie…it’s ok, it’s ok, I got you.” You gingerly tilt his swollen face towards yours, your eyes holding an immense amount of emotion as you gaze into his. “Listen to me ok? You can’t rehearse like that, you’re going to burn out and, get hurt. You have to rest. You’ve been practicing non-stop for the entire semester. You could do that routine in your sleep babe. The only reason you probably messed up is because you are exhausting yourself.”

Before you can even finish, Jimin’s eyes well up with tears once again as he shakes his head.

“No…no…you don’t understand…y/n…the coaches came to watch me last night and, I fell…I fell and they…they said that they were disappointed with my progress…and that I need to do better…so…I had to stay to re…rehearse…cause I failed. I failed y/n, I failed.” Jimin bursts into another fit of sobs as he clutches you tighter and, you actually have to hold back the tears that are pricking the corners of your own eyes.

“Dancers fall all the time Jiminie, it’s ok, you had been rehearsing all day. Every free moment you have, you spend in the studio practicing. I know it must have been so hard to fall in front of your coaches but, hey,” You tilt his face to you once more before he can hide away in your arm again. “You are Park fucking Jimin. You are the youngest collegiate dancer to win the national showcase and, the ONLY dancer to win it three years in a row. Dancing is like breathing to you. Audiences are mesmerized as soon as you step on the stage. You did not fail. You are exhausted. You can’t work yourself like this or, there won’t be a Park Jimin to win the showcase four years in a row.” As your words tumble out of your mouth, Jimin begins to calm down, still sniffling lightly, he hugs you again, his normally sparkling eyes, heavy with exhaustion.

“I’m so scared…y/n…there’s so much pressure and, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it if I disappoint anyone.” You place a chaste kiss to the top of his bubblegum hair as you nod.

“It’s ok to be afraid, this is something you really want and, when we really want something, the thought of failing can be crippling but, you have worked so unbelievably hard.  No one deserves this more than you do. Try and have a little faith in yourself ok? There is nothing you can’t achieve. You have something so magical within you.  Working hard is good but, everyone has their limit and, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you won’t be healthy enough to achieve all of the amazing things I know you are capable of.” Your voice has dropped to an even lower volume as you continue rubbing Jimin’s back. He is looking up at you with intense focus but, you can tell he is on the verge of crashing.

“You promise? You promise you believe I can do this?” He whispers and, your heart shatters in pieces that someone whom you care so deeply for, is in so much pain.

“I don’t just believe Jimin, I know.” You whisper back before jerking your head to the other end of the couch. “Can you please try and sleep for me? When you wake up, we can go somewhere, or we can stay in,its up to you. Just try and rest of a while.” At your request, Jimin lets out a yawn, his lips pressing to your shoulder once more before he flops back onto the couch, still sniffling lightly.

You help him out of his shoes and his coat before grabbing a blanket and, literally tucking him in.

“Thank you y/n.” Jimin whispers, practically half asleep, his hand holding yours lightly.

“You don’t have to thank me, that’s what best friends are for. I’ve cried on your couch a few times too, remember.” You smile fondly as Jimin lets out a twinkling giggle, happy to see that he’s feeling somewhat better.

“I love you.” He whispers, his eyes beginning to shut.

You squeeze his hand lightly before replying.

“I love you too Jimin.”

Jimin drifts off a few moments later, his light snores filling your living room. Your heart feels achy as you reply the last few moments over in your head. You knew your words wouldn’t be enough to completely take away Jimin’s uncertainty but, you were so grateful that he came to you instead of suffering in silence. Jimin had a history of feeling this way right before a showcase. He had done something similar to this your freshman year before, winning and subsequently making history. It absolutely devastated you to see him hurting but, you meant everything you said. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Jimin was going to go far in life; you just hoped one day, he could see it for himself.

—————————————————————————————————-

“The dark and the ocean….I think maybe it’s time that we start tackling our fears one by one, what do you think?” You look over at Yoongi, who nods from behind his phone.

“Yeah, I think so too. I don’t know how we’d combine the dark and the ocean anyway.” His voice was slightly scratchier than normal but, when you had asked if he was sick, he told you that he had lost his voice at a concert he went to the night prior. For whatever reason, you didn’t believe him but, rather than prying, you opted to enjoy the sound of Yoongi’s raspy voice becoming even raspier.

“If we did, it would be terrifying and, I would probably die.” You state bluntly, causing Yoongi to scoff in disbelief, shaking his head at you.

“You’re so dramatic.” He chastises, smirking lightly, tapping away at his phone. You shrug, not bothering to disagree with him as you doodle on the corner of your paper. “Are you comfortable confronting this fear directly? I don’t know how you would imagine it, unless, you just imagine yourself in a dark room.”

The shudder that passes through your body was completely involuntary and, Yoongi notices it.

“You don’t have to, we can think of something else.” He assures, his almond shaped eyes, wrinkled slightly in concern. You shook your head insistently, putting on a brave face.

“No, its ok…I can do it. I won’t be alone so, it will be a little easier.” You force smile onto your mouth but, Yoongi isn’t buying it. Thankfully, he decides to accept your statement anyway.

“Does tonight work for you? I have a free Tuesday for once so, I figured we could do yours today and mine on Thursday.” Yoongi’s suggests, his demeanor returning to normal. You nod, leaning back in your chair, attempting to look casual but, your heart jumped slightly in your chest.

“Yeah, that’s fine, what time?” You needed to know how much time you had to straighten up because, you definitely left dirty dishes in the sink and, you were quite certain that you dropped a pair or two of clean underwear whilst running late this morning.

“Well, it doesn’t get dark until 7:30-8 so, maybe around then?” Yoongi cocks his head slightly, his eyes sleepy as usual. You had never had such a strong urge to tuck someone into bed and, kiss their forehead until you met Min Yoongi. That boy needs more sleep.

“I’m good with that yeah. Are we eating together or do you want to eat before you come?”

“I’ll bring something, I have a lot to make up for since somebody, decided to buy our tickets last week.” He gives you a pointed look, disapproval gracing his features. You laugh, shrugging shamelessly, looking up at him.

“I guess you better bring something good then.” You insist, smiling, nudging his desk with your foot.

————————————————————————————————–

It was that very conversation that led you to where you were now:  belly full of That’s Amore’s pasta, apartment tidied up, and Yoongi glancing over at you curiously.

“What?” You giggle lightly, confused at his intense gaze before, he nods over to you.

“Why are you afraid of the dark?” He murmurs, his tone cautious but curious.

You bite your lip, as you feel your body grow slightly uncomfortable. Meeting Yoongi’s gaze, you attempt to sound as brave as possible before, answering his question.

“I…used to have really bad nightmares as a kid. I had them every night for almost two years.” You admit, your eyes moving to stare at the couch instead of continuing to look at Yoongi. “My parents finally took me to a doctor and they told them that I would eventually just grow out of it. They gave me something to help me sleep through the night and, over time, the dreams finally stopped but, I slept with my light on until I was like 14.” You giggle, trying to lighten the mood, not really enjoying the serious tone of the conversation.

Yoongi nods, regarding you earnestly from the other end of the couch.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly and, you can tell that he means it. You smile over at him, brushing it off.

“No, its ok, it happened a long time ago. I’m just still not a huge fan of the dark.” You explain, finally meeting his gaze again.

“You don’t have to do this, you can just keep talking about it…I don’t want you to feel afraid.” He insists, his tone firm and certain.

You nod, your smile growing more genuine.

“I can do it. I think it will be good for me and, like I said, I won’t be alone so, I don’t think it will be too bad.” You’re lying. The dark terrified you but, logically, you understood that there was nothing dangerous about it. You know you can do this.

Yoongi nods but, you can tell that he’s uneasy, his movements cautious and hesitant as he looks around your apartment.

“Ok, do you want to start slow? We could just turn off the lights first; the streetlights shouldn’t make it too dark.” He assures you, nodding toward the window but, you shake your head at his suggestion.

“No, I think it’s better if we just do everything now. I think prolonging it will just make me more nervous.” Your voice is growing smaller and, once you catch that, you sit up straighter.  As if, sitting up straighter would lessen the fear you felt. “Let’s do this.”

Yoongi nods and the two of you move to start closing the curtains and turning off the few lamps that you have on in your apartment. You both stand on opposite ends of your living room as Yoongi’s hand hovers over the main light.

“Are you ready?” He calls softly, his face littered with concern.

You nod, smiling tightly, bracing yourself for the darkness.

“You have to protect me if a shadow demon tries to eat me!” You insist, giggling, trying to lessen the tension as Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“There’s no such thing as shadow demons.” He counters, smirking before, he nods anyway. “But, yeah, I guess I’ll protect you if that happens.”

Your heart is picking up its pace in your chest as you attempt to pull a deep breath from your nose.

Yoongi looks at you pointedly and, before another question can pass his lips, you nod to the light.

“Go ahead. I’m good.” You assure him, putting on the bravest voice you can find.

There’s a click and then, darkness envelops your apartment. You could never have imagined that your apartment could get to this level of darkness. The room was pitch black, you held your hand out in front of your face and you saw nothing but a faint blob.

“Are you ok?” Yoongi calls softly from the other end of the room.

Another shaky breath passes your lips as you attempt to calm yourself.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m ok.” You assure him but, even you could tell that your tone wasn’t convincing. There’s a shuffling on the other end of the room that causes you to jump out of your skin. “What was that?”

“It’s just me; I’m trying to find my way to the couch.” Yoongi’s voice calms you and, you curse yourself for being so obviously afraid.

“Yeah, I should probably do that too. I don’t want to just stand here…vulnerable…where literally anything can attack me if it wanted to.” You muse casually and, this causes Yoongi to finally break out in his rickety laughter.

“Nothing is going to attack you, just come here and, be careful not to trip over anything. That’s the only real danger you need to worry about.” Yoongi’s voice is practically a whisper and, you use it to guide yourself to your sofa. You finally feel the familiar fabric and make your way around the arm of the couch before, tucking your body into one of the cushions. The heartbeat in your chest hasn’t lessened its pounding but, you feel slightly better that you’re not doing this alone.

“I made it.” You whisper but, Yoongi could already feel you sit down at the opposite end of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Yoongi whispers back to you and, you feel yourself relaxing slightly at the sound of his voice. He really should be doing ASMR in his free time. Your mouth opens to lie again but, you end up sighing in defeat.

“I’m scared.” It’s the first time either of you have uttered this phrase since beginning your project and, you grow uneasy as you wait for his response.

“That’s ok.” He assures and then he falls silent for a moment. “I know it’s difficult for you. We can stop whenever you want.”

“I’m ok right now; my eyes are starting to adjust.”

Another moment of silence passes between the two of you and, you feel a familiar thickness in the air that seems to occur a lot when you and Yoongi are alone. You close your eyes for a moment, stifling your desire to mention it to him. He had made it very clear on the Ferris Wheel that he wasn’t interested in being with you that way… ‘right now.’

“You can…move closer to me, if you need to. I’m not sure if that will help but, you can try. I don’t mind.” Yoongi whispers and, his offer catches you completely off guard. Should you move closer to him?

Silently, you scoot your body down the length of the couch until you feel your shins meet Yoongi’s feet. He must have been sitting cross-legged on the couch and, now that you’re closer to him, you can make out his posture. He’s sitting with his legs crossed, his body turned to face the direction you were sitting, while his hands rested in his lap.

“Thank you.” You whisper, and you can sort of make out the faint smile ( :] ) on his lips.

“Is it any better?”

“Yeah, it is, actually, thanks.” You repeat your gratitude and you finally start to feel the anxiety subsiding from your chest. Yoongi was warm and, he smelt like berries and the ocean? An odd yet tantalizing combination that, in all honesty, made your stomach tighten. His hands are adorned with a few rings and your eyes squint in curiosity as you try to make out what they look like; regretting that you hadn’t checked them out when the lights were on.

“What are you trying to look at?” Yoongi’s whisper causes you to smile as  you realize that his eyes were also adjusted to the darkness and, he was probably wondering why you were staring intently at his lap.

“Your rings.” You giggle, your head jerking their direction. At your answer, Yoongi’s fingers flutter lightly in response, his head turning down to look at them.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t wear these a lot but, my roommate Namjoon got them for me and, started giving me shit for not liking them. So, I made a point to wear them more.” He explains his tone one of fondness and annoyance. Another laugh passes your lips as you nod in understanding.

“They look nice. Namjoon has good taste.” You compliment, feeling far more comfortable.

“Yeah, he’s alright, I guess.” Yoongi jests but, you know he doesn’t mean what he says, always hiding behind a snarky comment. Before you can speak again, Yoongi holds one of his hands out to you. “You can look at them if you want.”

Your heart stalls a moment as you look at Yoongi’s out stretched hand. The hand that had been on your own lap comes up to bring Yoongi’s closer to your view. The rings were actually beautiful and, you were thankful that the tiniest amount of light had escaped through the curtains so you could properly see them. There were four of them each covered in silver, the engravings depicting the four elements: Earth, fire, water, and air. You smile as your fingers gently examine Yoongi’s rings (hand). His hands were one of your favorite things about him. They were nearly double the size of your own, blue and green veins pushed slightly against the surface, fingernails bitten out of what you could assume as nervousness.  There is a light increase in your heart rate as you continue to examine Yoongi’s hand and, if he had noticed that you stopped looking at his rings, he wasn’t showing it. You tilt his hand up so, its perpendicular to your own, your fingertips only reaching the middle of his fingers, as you place your palm against his hand.

“Your hand is small.” Yoongi whispers but, this time, you detect a different tone from him that you can’t say you’ve ever heard before.

A small smile graces your mouth as you nod.

“Against yours it is.” The whisper that leaves your lips is almost in audible, your eyes find Yoongi’s and, you find him staring back at you, the faint streetlight illuminating his face. The two of you stare at each other as you feel Yoongi’s fingers lace with your own. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you lick your lips in attempt to compensate for the dryness in your mouth. Without warning, the two of you are leaning towards each other, your shaky breathing intertwining momentarily before, your lips press together. Yoongi audibly lets out a sigh of what literally sounds like relief as he mold his lips against yours. You rise up on your knees lightly, in an attempt to get closer to him, your free hand coming up to gently touch his face. The butterflies that had been taunting you for the past month erupt in your stomach, your heart racketing against your sternum. Yoongi’s hand that was interlaced with yours slips out of your grip and, settles on your waist instead, pulling you into his body. Your lips are beginning to move against one another and, you actually feel Yoongi’s heartbeat rattling against your hand. The thought of you having that effect on him, makes you clench between your thighs. Your body moves to make its way into his lap but, before you make it there, Yoongi is slowly pulling away. He seems reluctant to stop, his swollen lips still pecking against yours as he presses his forehead to your own.

“I don’t want to stop but, I think…”His breathing is too ragged for him to speak properly, and you press your lips to his cheek in an attempt to sooth him, even though, your breathing is just as bad. “We….should slow down….”

You nod in agreement but, relish in the fact that Yoongi is still holding you close to him, your body leaning into his chest.

“You’re right.” You whisper in return, your breath just as shaky as Yoongi maneuvers you so, that you’re tucked into the side of his body. Your hand rests on his chest and you smile as you feel his heart pummeling against the palm of your hand. The two of you lay there for a moment in complete silence, Yoongi’s fingers play with your own  as you wait for the other to say something.

Surprisingly enough, it’s Yoongi who breaks the silence, his raspy whisper penetrating the darkness around you.

“Are you still scared?” He whispers softly, his eyes finding yours.

You look up towards him, a soft smile on your lips.

“No.”

Yoongi smiles back at you and, you can’t help but notice how shy he’s being, his eyes softer than you have ever seen before.

“Good.”

Maybe, the dark wasn’t so bad after all.

[hyperdrivehearts]

Is the number ask thing still something you do? If so, 2, 15 and 18 please ^-^

QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN, REGARDING THE MUSE

(Always accepting these anon!! Seeing people ask me things (especially strangers on anon– it makes me happy that people are interested in my muses!!))

2. What made you decide to write this muse? 

Kalin and Yusei have always been my favorite 5ds characters, ever since it originally aired in Canada! There’s this channel called YTV (youth television) that had a Saturday morning bit called Crunch where you’d get your regular Saturday morning cartoons, and in the early afternoon some anime would air! It was always in this order: Beyblade Metal Fight, Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds, Pokemon Diamond & Pearl.) My parents were and are seperated, so I was only able to catch episodes every second week (I relied heavily on the previous episode recaps but it would mess me up when things would have repeats) had a very hard time remembering the name of 5Ds for some reason, and was never able to catch up online of missed episodes like I did for beyblade.

Because I never could catch up on what i missed, I didn’t get back into YGO as a whole until 2012, where I originally wrote Yusei on wattpad in my original Dark Signer AU. (He had a really cool old lady seer for a friend (who was supposed to be Carly’s grandma(??)) and I had a self insert OC who was Crow’s sister and was supposed to be Yuseis love interest (how how far I’ve come.) ANYWAYS what I’m getting at here, is that Yusei has been a muse of mine since like 2012.

I rewatched 5D’s in about…..2016?? Maybe later????And then again not long after I met Kasa ( @soulburnings ) on her Manjoume blog, and then Kasa made her Yu boys blog, and THEN HER CURRENT BLOG FOR TAKERU and it’s Kasa’s fault entirely for getting me back into YGO. Since Kalin and Yusei were my faves back then (What can I say?  I love batshit murderers and cool bro characters– I have terrible tast,) it only felt natural to gravitate back towards them.

TLDR: Blame Kasa. Ily Kasa.

15. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

Yusei could get along with a fucking LAMP POST honestly. He’s friendly, understanding, a bro, and he’s very patient with people and always sees the best in them. I feel like he’d be a person you could spill tea to, and he’d never tell a soul.

Kalin on the other hand…. not so much. Enforcer!Kalin would have definitely been someone I could get along with, while Dark Signer!Kalin would, y’know, try to kill me as one does. My Present!Kalin and hell, even canon Present!Kalin, are not a) approachable, b) are very open c) they both have the habit of shoving people away. And like, I also self project onto Kalin A LOT, and something that not a lot of people seem to realize that if you met someone so similarly like you, ESPECIALLY in the negative aspects, you probably wouldn’t get along that well and butt heads.

18. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not? 

Unpopular opinion: the fandom likes to make Yusei seem like an “uwu good cinnamon roll boi who can do no harm uwuwu” so for me, personally, it’s very important to acknowledge that he has one hell of a petty attitude and temper. It’s established right from episode 1, where he revs his engine because his friends didnt realize he was back home in the subway– he doesn’t say anything (and the reaction of Tank, Nervin, Blitz and Rally implies that this is a regular occurrence with him.) Yusei has shown on multiple occassions that he isnt afraid to throw his disk down and knock sense into someone with his fists. He built another, and better duel runner, to go after Jack solely for his Stardust Dragon card– it wasn’t even a revenge plot, he just wanted what was rightfully his.

(Not to mention, he has one hell of a resting bitch face. He’s scowling so much, I don’t think he even realizes it.)

Despite all of this, from destroying duel disks and decks as an Enforcer, to he and Jack punching each other in the face, I think it’s equally important to know that even when Yusei is being a bit of a prick, he doesn’t hold onto negativity and resent– he essentially doesn’t hold any grudges. (However, he does hold onto grief and sadness, so much so that Luna picks it out while communicating with his duel spirits in the dub.) After he got Stardust back, while he was still rightfully peeved at Jack for his actions, Yusei forgave him and moved on.

Despite all of Yusei’s good qualities, and being an excellent friend, Yusei does have negativity inside of him and that part shouldn’t be ignored. People are not black and white.

As for what he values about himself: nothing. Yusei doesn’t really have an ego. He knows he’s good at dueling, he knows he’s good with technology and mechanics, but hes humble about both things. He doesn’t value one over the other. He loves his friends, and protecting them is second nature to him, but he believes that everyone needs to value the people they’re close to, so it’s not really a part of his personality that he finds the most important.

Honestly, if theres anything that he’d think that’s the most important to him, it’s his pride. I know that sounds selfish, especially when it’s in Yusei’s case, but when Kalin crushed his pride, it shook him to the core where Yusei felt as if he didn’t trust himself dueling. For him, I don’t think its a matter of honour as much as it is a matter of justice. He takes pride in his friends and family, he takes pride in being a Satellite, he takes pride in fighting for the right thing: it’s less about himself than it is about other people.

For Kalin, I’m going to solely focus on my portrayal bc fuck canon, but anyways, it’s his determination to keep fighting, to keep living and knowing that people can change. He probably valuse that part of himself too, but he’d never admit it.  Kalin has literately gone through hell and back, and has come out entirely traumatized, but he doesn’t let that trauma win.

(suicide mentions below.)

Kalin’s suffering from PTSD and depression, and he is suicidal, yet he never truly gives up (until he’s sent to the mines in Crash Town, really.) When he first arrived at Crash Town to die, he could have lost his duel on purpose, but he never did until Yusei showed up. I think a part of it is pride, not wanting to go down without a fight, but I don’t believe Kalin was only fighting other duelists– he was fighting himself and his right to live. He already offed himself in the Facility.

As someone who tried to commit suicide twice, it’s important that Kalin keeps on fighting through it. There’s going to be bad days, days where you can’t leave your bed, days where you let out a nice cry in a hot shower. Keeping yourself going, for any reason, is very important because things do get better. (Im not great, but im better, and so is Kalin.) If that reason is as small as needing to feed your cat, its a good reason to keep going. For Kalin, he wanted to see Yusei once more and then he’d be satisfied.

Kalin’s not perfect, he is an ass and he knows that, but he does want to be better so other things can get better for him and rebound off of each other. (I was a prick too when I was in that mental state.) Things get better, but you also need to take charge and make it better yourself and Kalin knows he can force light into the darkness he was wallowing in for nearly 4 years.

It’s not a personality point, but I’m sure Kalin is just happy to be alive.

[thecruciblegavemeyou]

mint chocolate chip

i got bored and i liked this idea so i ran with it. longer than i intended.. could probably turn into something longer. eh (simons pov) 

ao3

simon has a very bad week, and baz makes the mistake of grabbing the last tub of simon’s favorite ice cream

words: 2.4 k

this was the last straw. the last, very short straw of a number of shitty straws i had received this week.

monday

agatha broke things off. for the last time, i think. "si, this just isn't working anymore. we've both known that for a long time. and, well... i think i'm asexual, i dont know. i have some stuff to figure out simon, and i think i have to do this alone."

i could still see her, standing in front of me in the living room. i had romantic candles lit all around the room. and i (penny) made a fancy dinner, that was laid out on the only tablecloth that penny and i owned that i had yet to stain.

she didnt cry, but i certainly did. it was humiliating. i thought we had finally been making it work this time, and i was even going to ask her to move in with me and penny. hence the fancy dinner.

so she left me there on the couch and i spent the rest of the night crying in the tub (with a bottle of red wine).

tuesday

then, because i stayed up all night crying (and very drunk), I missed the bus to class tuesday morning. which meant i had to walk 2 hours to school in the rain while hungover (in a torrential downpour) and i missed my class anyways.

i didnt even get to turn in my paper, because even my professor had left by then. it would have been the best paper i wrote all semester too; instead, i watched the grade be entered as a zero. i tried to email my professor, but i already knew it was hopeless because she was a bitch. and i always fell asleep in class, so i wasnt exactly her favorite student.

by the time penny came around to give me a lift home, i was soaked to bone. i knew something was wrong the moment i got in the car, but i didnt press her. normally penny greeted me with tea, a scone, and a perky hello, but she was as somber as the rain outside.

she didnt say anything for a long time. we were almost back to the flat when she turned the volume down on the radio and turned to me. "hey, simon, do you remember micah?" penny asked.

"what a bloody idiotic question penny, of course i remember your boyfriend. im hungover, not stupid." i snorted, grabbing my sopping wet bag from the back seat.

she killed the engine; she was watching me with that expression of pity, the one she wore every time agatha said she wanted to take a break. "he's moving to london." she mumbled.

"pen, that's great! now i won't have to listen to your skype dates and-"

"we signed the lease for an apartment today." she gulped.

my world was spinning. i stopped walking, "when, um... is he in town? you never mentioned... was this a split second decision? i..." i always knew that penny move move out someday. i thought it would be farther down the road. i'd need to find a new roommate, because there was no way i could continue to afford the apartment penny and i had by myself...

"when are you leaving?" i blurted out.

"i spent today packing. im almost ready to go. micah and i are going to finish packing and moving everything from my apartment to the new one tomorrow. do you want to help?"

"you mean... i only have one day to find a new roommate?" i couldn't help the anger boiling in my stomach. she gave me no warning whatsoever and the rent was due next friday. im not proud of what i did next, but theres no going back.

i stormed into my room and locked it behind me. i couldn't look at any of penny's packed boxes. i didn't even stop when micah called out a greeting. i was too upset, and i didnt really know the guy well enough to let him see me cry. the took turns trying to coax me out of my room throughout the night, penny even went out and bought me sour cherry scones from my favorite bakery across town. i didnt have any appetite.

wednesday

i got out of the house before they woke up. i had work, anyways. thankfully, it had stopped raining sometime last night. unfortunately, the puddles remained. a taxi flew around the curb with no warning and soaked my jeans and shoes (my good jeans).

"bloody fucking merlin and morgana-" i shouted, before the mother behind me hurriedly covered the ears of her toddler.

I made it to the starbucks where i worked, and took in the comforting smell of coffee and sugar and the faint smell of cleaner that was used to wipe down the counters each night. it was apparently the only dependable thing in my life right now.

"sorry im late, trixie, i had a bad morning-" I sighed, grabbing my apron off the back rack.

trixie (my boss) just waved me into her office, "simon?" she was sorting through piles of paperwork and notices, and it took her a moment before she realized i was already in her office.

"so, simon-"

"yeah?" i responded, more focused on trying to tie the apron behind my back. i had terrible hand-eye coordination as is, it didnt help when you took one factor out of the equation. I could smell coffee wafting in from the front, and i prayed trixie would be quick so i could go out and grab a cup for myself.

"we had to make some budget cuts this month, so we have to let some people go... im so sorry, simon. here's your last paycheck."

trixie held out a sad, slumped little slip of paper. i stared at her, barely registering her words. after an awkward minute of silence, i took the check and left the apron draped over the chair opposite her desk. i didnt make eye contact with my coworkers as i left and i prayed they hadnt been able to hear the entire conversation between me and trixie, if it could be called a conversation.

i knew they mustve heard, even if they didnt it wasnt hard to put two and two together.

i shoved the check into my (wet) jeans pocket and made my way towards the flat. halfway home, i turned into the bank and cashed the check, knowing there was no way i would remember to do it tomorrow.

this was turning out to be the worst week of my life.

when i got back to the flat, half the boxes, micah, and penny were nowhere to be found. i holed myself up in my room again, this time having the foresight to take some food back into my room with me. i blasted my music, and kept the door locked again. the lock wouldnt actually keep penny out (there was a key for every room in the house) but if it was locked she wouldnt bother trying to intrude on my sob fest.

thursday

when i woke up, the house was empty. i made my way into the bathroom to freshen up and tried to ignore how quiet the flat was now. penny had even taken a lot of the photos and such with her, but she left most of the furniture (out of pity, i think). her and micah would get to buy all new furniture, together.

on the kitchen counter was a note, a key, and an address. her new apartment was within walking distance still (ten minutes or so). i imagined they were still settling in, and i still had nothing to say to her (i wasn't mad, i was just... not ready). anyways, i needed to start searching for a new roommate.

i went and grabbed my laptop, and settled in on the couch. i ignored the notifications reminding me to study or finish this project or that, and delved into my search. i didnt have class until later tonight, and i didnt have a job to get to either, so i had most of the day free.

i needed to search for a new job, too. there was no way i could afford rent if i didnt have a job, let alone a roommate to split the bill.

i had no idea where to start. i didn't really want to live with a stranger, but i absolutely didnt want to lose this apartment either. it was so close to campus, and i liked being near all the other students. it was ina great part of town, and almost everything i needed was within walking distance. maybe i could ask a classmate if they wanted to move in? it seems a bit short notice, and i imagine that by the end of the first semester everyone already has a place to live anyways.

i was screwed.

i grabbed some take out on my way back home, alone, and spent the rest of the night procrastinating homework and responsibilities. this is why i needed penny.

friday

it was obvious friday was following the same downward spiral when i woke up to a text from agatha, asking if she could come by to talk. she wanted to stay friends and she thought she left a jumper at my place.

i almost fell off the couch at four o'clock, when agatha let herself in to find me in my boxers on the couch.

"oh, hi, simon. didnt you hear me knocking?" she asked, hanging up her jacket and unraveling a scarf from her neck. i could smell her from here. that perfume would haunt me forever. i never really liked that scent. i'd have to light a candle after she leaves.

"no..." i mumbled, trying to be discreet as as tried to get my pants back on as fast as possible. agatha headed straight for my room to look for her jumper. she had no qualms, did she?

"simon, where did everything go? why is the flat so empty?" agatha asked, drawing back the curtains to let some sunlight into my cave. didn't she think this was awkward? why was she acting so normal?

i cleared my throat, "uh, penny moved out. she got an apartment with micah a few blocks down. she sprung it on me this tuesday." i covered the emotion in my voice.

"oh, well, thats great for penny and micah." she hummed and finally found her jumper, which had wound up in my laundry.

she started for the door. i refrained from going after her. i wasnt going to chase her and beg her to come back, not this time. even agatha seemed surprised. she stopped at the door, almost as if to tell my this was my last chance to chase her down and beg for her forgiveness.

i didnt move.

"it was good to see you, simon." she smiled and twisted the door knob, "coffee sometime, okay?"

"no, thank you, though." i said. i didnt miss the flash of surprise in her eyes as she shut the door behind her. i cranked the volume back up, and cried in tune with adele.

come dinner time, i made my way into the kitchen to try and find something to eat.

the fridge and cabinets were empty. all that was left was a jar of curry, a bag of peanuts, and expired milk. i let out a moan. penny always did the shopping.

i peeked at the clock. it was already nine. but i was starving, and i wanted ice cream. i deserved ice cream, after this shitty week. and maybe some alcohol. any type of alcohol.

i tugged on my old Watford sweatshirt and a pair of grey sweats, and dug through piles of crap until i found my wallet.

the store was half empty, and there was only one cashier open still, slowly checking out one old lady who couldnt seem to remember what she was doing. i made my way towards the milk and ice cream first.

i grabbed a smaller milk, because there was no way i would finish a whole one without penny, and it didnt look like id be getting a new roommate yet.

i stopped. there was another boy by the ice cream, grabbing the last tub of mint chocolate chip.

i lost it.

"no, no, no! merlin, no, you dont get to have the last of the mint chocolate chip!" i exclaimed and the guy jumped, spinning on his heel to face me. why was he in jeans, it was nine thirty already? who wears such nice jeans out to the grocery store.

"excuse me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"if you dont mind, id like that tub of ice cream. i deserve it. i had the fucking worst week of my life. and all i want is to go home, eat some goddamn mint chocolate chip ice cream, get drunk, and pretend im not doing it alone." i shouted. he stared for a minute, before he broke out in laughter.

my face went red, but i didnt back down. i wasnt letting him take that ice cream away from me, i didnt care how gorgeous he was.

"i dont want to be alone, either." he smirked. "but you cant finish this whole tub by yourself."

"then come help me." i teased. i couldnt help it. that smirk was infectious. and he had pretty eyes.

"fine. but youre buying the alcohol." he said, pointing towards the next aisle. he followed me into the next aisle over, and we picked out various bottles of various alcohols.

he didnt make me pay. in fact, he paid for my milk too. and then i let him follow me back to my flat.

"im baz." he said, holding out a slender hand.

"simon."

i dont remember how we got there, but i didnt mind when i woke up on top of baz, stretched out on my couch, with him in a pair of my sweats (those bloody jeans may have been hot but i knew they werent comfortable). i didnt even mind the hangover i could feel coming, or the messy, empty tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream on my coffee table.

not when baz was kissing me, mumbling “good morning, darling,” in my ear.