#my friend brought donuts and I’m sad no one ate them

[bbibbirose]

gays I went hiking for the first time yesterday and I almost didn’t make it

[fireflykaizoku]

Heya! I know you’ve done 3 soulmate fics now, but with the sort of angsty feel with Mimi-ya’s request I was wondering if a Katakuri x reader, in regards to the age difference he had given up hope that it was even possible for him to have happiness outside of his family, would make for a good read and also possibly dangerous for reader to come face to face with Big Mom and all those siblings! Thank you x

Hii! i'm sorry i took long to finish it, but i kept watching OP and reading more about Katakuri, since it's my first time writing for him. Since i'm still on episode 850, i was afraid it'd be a bit ooc. If it is, i'm so sorry! my writing for Katakuri will improve as i finish the arc. I hope you like it anyway, it was fun to write it ❤

Your family was rich and well-known around the Grand Line. Being the only daughter, they were trying to find a husband for you, a political marriage that could be good for both families, especially yours. They had a list of potential husbands, but you didn’t bother checking it since you were too focused on your birthday party. It was a small party, just with close friends and family, but you wanted everything to be perfect.

And it was. You had so much fun around people you loved, it was hard to fall asleep after that; you were genuinely happy.

Before opening your eyes, you could already feel the sweet smell, something like candy, donuts or cake. Thinking it was maybe a belated birthday breakfast, you opened your eyes and was ready to jump out of the bed when you realized the bedroom was completely different from yours. And as soon as you looked down, you realized that body definitely wasn’t yours. The toned chest, tattoos and the scarf around your neck weren’t yours.

You could only feel happiness and relief, you were glad you already switched bodies with your soulmate. Who knew it’d be that fast? But you wanted to see more of him, so you got up and started looking for a mirror in his room. The reflection surprised you at first, not being the kind of soulmate you expected to have. He had tattoos, crimson hair, and apparently was very tall. In fact, he was huge. When you put the scarf down a little, you noticed he had scars, and you assumed that’s why he covered his mouth. He also had fangs, which you thought were extremely charming. He wasn’t ugly, in fact, he was far from that. He was very handsome. Intimidating, of course. But very handsome.

Looking around, you found a vest, and on the back, you noticed “Charlotte” written on it.

— Charlotte? — you whispered to yourself, thinking you’ve seen that name somewhere until you finally realized after a couple of minutes.

— He’s one of Big Mom’s son!

You remember when your parents were trying to find a husband for you, his name came up a couple of times. It was probably Charlotte Katakuri. You’ve never seen any pictures of him, but you knew he was a very strong and powerful man.

After a couple of minutes just looking at his figure in the mirror, admiring his traits, a knock on the door brought you back to reality.

— Katakuri-sama, it’s almost time for Big Mom’s tea party. — someone said, outside the room before leaving right away.

You heard about the famous Tea Parties, but you didn’t even know how to behave. You knew there would be so many people, powerful people, and some probably well known as well, so you couldn’t take the risk of things going wrong.

You couldn’t describe the relief you felt when you noticed a den den mushi in the corner of the room. Perfect! You’d call him, explain everything and hopefully he’d be there just in time for the party.

It took a couple of minutes, but finally someone answered. You got quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say.

— Charlotte Katakuri? — you asked, a bit nervous.

— It’s me. I assume you’re (L/N) (F/N)? — you hummed in response. — I see you’re my soulmate and we switched bodies.

— Yes, and you have a Tea Party to attend today. Do you think we can switch back before then?

— Unfortunately, no. Your island is quite far from the Whole Cake Island. Can you go instead? You’ll just have to sit without saying anything. It won’t last too long, and when it’s over you go straight to your room.

— But what if… I need to fight? I don’t know how to… — he interrupted you.

— Don’t worry, it shouldn’t have an attack. But if anything happens, look for Brûlée and explain everything. I’ll be there before the sunrise, and we’ll be able to switch back, hopefully.

He seemed so calm even in a situation like this. But following his advice, you went to the party. It was fun and there was delicious food everywhere, but you couldn’t disrespect your soulmate and remove the scarf off. Maybe when you switch back you can ask Katakuri to let you eat a few.

You started sweating whenever Big Mom or any of his kids got near you, trying to talk. So to avoid raising any suspicions, you just nodded the whole time. And whenever you heard a fuss, your soul felt like it’d leave your body, worried it’d be a confront. If you had to fight today, acting like Katakuri, you wouldn’t know what to do.

You were hungry, but too shy to ask for anything. As if someone heard your thoughts, a few small men knocked on your door, bringing donuts. Not just two or three, but many donuts. They bowed and left quickly.

After eating half of it, you fell asleep. You were very anxious since you’d meet your soulmate in a few hours, but your eyelids got heavier and you couldn’t fight the sleep anymore. You woke up a few hours later with someone gently tapping your arm. When you opened your eyes, you realized Katakuri had arrived.

You were still sleepy, and sat on the bed, rubbing your eyes until you actually felt awake. The height difference was quite a lot, and it was funny. You had to sit on the floor so the two of you would be face to face.

— Hello, Katakuri. — you felt incredibly shy now.

— Good morning. — he tried to hide the fact he was embarrassed, and was hoping you couldn’t hear how fast his heart was beating.

— This… Is it the time when we kiss?— you suggested, looking away. Would he think you were being too straightforward?

— Yes… We should… Kiss.

You pulled the scarf down slowly with your now cold hands. You closed your eyes, feeling very nervous. You kissed a few times before, but it still felt like something new. Especially now that it wasn’t just a random person, it was your soulmate.

Noticing you were waiting for him to make a move, he moved closer, sealing your lips together. Just a peck at first, until you gave him permission to deepen the kiss. Both of you were shy, and the kiss was a bit clumsy. Maybe he haven’t had many kisses too.

You didn’t have to open your eyes to realize you two had switched back, his big and strong hands holding your face was a sign that it worked. You rested your head on his hand, looking at him with eyes full of admiration and a soft smile on your lips.

— Aren’t you… Scared or disgusted? — he asked, feeling insecure now that his face was exposed to you.

— Why would I be? — you genuinely asked, smiling softly.

— Because… Of my mouth. I’m not how you probably wanted your soulmate to look like, and I don’t want you to think you have to put up with me because we’re soulmates. Now that we switched back, you can go if you want to. — his voice didn’t seem angry, as if he was demanding you to leave. It sounded sad, as if he had been through a lot.

You heart ached just to think that someone had the courage to hurt your soulmate.

Little did you know that many people treated him differently, not wanting to be around him or making fun of him because of his appearance; little did you know that while most of his siblings found their soulmates already, and he spent most of his life thinking he didn’t deserve his other half. Little did you know that he gave up on finding someone and started to deal with the fact that only his family would be able to love him.

But now, after meeting you, he threw his rational self out of the window. He felt like he could love someone; marry someone for a reason other than just a political marriage. But would you want him just like he wants you?

— We switched back, right? — you caressed his face softly. He wasn’t expecting it, no one has ever been this gentle with him before. — That means we’re in love.

— I don’t want you to be with someone like me, you’d only be in danger. — he turned his face not to see you. — You wouldn’t be able to deal with my siblings. It won’t be like playing house, and it won’t be like the marriage you might be expecting.

You got quiet, taking a deep breath. He wouldn’t push you away easily. Katakuri noticed your silence, and was expecting you to leave the room, agreeing that life with him wouldn’t be the perfect calm life you probably wanted. Instead, before he could even use his haki to have a glimpse of the future, you turned his face and pecked his lips.

— I won’t give up so easily. — you crossed your arms. — You’re my soulmate and I won’t leave you just because you think I can’t deal with a dangerous lifestyle. I want you, and if you want me too… We can make this work.

Looking at your face that was looking at him with love in your eyes, how could he say “no”? Maybe Big Mom would be willing to accept this relationship and give her blessing, and his siblings would be happy for him. He could even pretend it was all because of your family and their power at first.

His stomach started growling before he could say anything.

— I’m sorry, I only ate a few donuts while I was in your body. — you felt a little embarrassed about what you were about to ask. — But I wanted to eat some of the sweets yesterday. Do you think… — he didn’t let you finish the question.

— You can have the sweets, I’ll ask to get them delivered for breakfast. — he covered his face with the scarf again. — For now, you should sleep. We’ll have a long day meeting my family tomorrow.

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Away From Home

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Captain America: The First Avenger

Pairing: 1940s! Bucky Barnes x Female! Reader

Summary: Reader and Bucky are half a world apart. How are they holding up without each other? ft. some love letters!

Word Count: 1644

Warnings: 18+, minors DNI, hint of smut, angst, talk about war, mention of suicide. Please read at your own risk!

Authors Note: Just want to thank my beautiful wife @buckybarnesdiaries for hyping me up with this series! Not everything may be accurate to the 1940s, war or Bucky’s story. My apologies! Enjoy loves <3

Main Masterlist | Bucky Barnes Masterlist

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It wasn’t easy being all alone without your other half, but you managed to fill up your day with fun and responsibilities to take your mind off it. The women at the office missed their husbands immensely, just like yourself, so it was good that you all took comfort in one another. It was good to talk with them about the shared feelings of fear and uncertainty that came with the men going off to war.

The office work that was ordinarily boring to you became very interesting as your bosses ordered you around. At home, you had organized your various pieces of literature more times than what was necessary. You couldn’t either count how many times you’ve gone “I missed a spot” on the kitchen counter when it was nothing there in reality.

When there was nothing at home to do, you called up your girlfriends, hoping they would be willing to go out on the town. The few times they were up for it, you forgot all about the hurt inside as you danced the night away with your best friends.

Bucky's parents could come and go as they pleased. Your house was their house; whenever they wanted to drop by, they could. On the weekends, they would invite you home to their residence for dinner and drinks. It was sweet of them to ask you. You already had a strong relationship with them that only increased with you spending more time with your parents-in-law.

The stories they would tell you about James growing up in Indiana with his siblings were stored in your memories to use late at night when you couldn’t sleep. Those thoughts would turn into dreams and scenarios of him and your child that you would hopefully get pregnant with soon.

On the few occasions his parents and your girlfriends had other plans, you sat mostly inside staring at one spot on the wall. The book by your side would only be read a few pages before it was placed to the side again so you could continue gawking at the flower patterns on the wall.

That’s how you were sat now. The television was on, but you weren’t paying attention to the boring movie you had watched countless times playing on the screen. You decided that you would write another letter to James. Writing letters to your husband and receiving letters from him was the thing that brought you joy and was the closest you could come to him for the time being. Picking up the pen and paper, the words flowed easily as you wrote.

~~~~~~~~~~

My Dearest,

I feel I must write you again altho there is not much news to tell you from the last time I wrote. Work is keeping me busy, while your parents’ comfort and the fun my girlfriends are bringing keeps me content. I dreamt last night my husband. I dreamt about a child. Our child. A child that will bring us love and joy in the future.

I miss you terribly, my love. I miss the warmth from your touch as we are tangled in the sheets together. I miss the softness of your voice as the words whispered in my ear are meant for me only. I miss your laugh filling up the house that feels so empty now without you. I miss you. There is nothing more that I desire in life but to have you with me constantly.

I wonder how you are getting along, my love. I shall be so relieved to get a letter from you. I can’t help feeling a bit anxious for you, my dear. Thinking about what you are going through in the gruesome war overseas. I pray to whatever higher power exists for you to survive and come home to me in my arms.

Well, my husband, my brave soldier, I don’t know what more to say now, so I will finish this letter with fondest love and kisses from your wife.

I love you the most. From yours truly,

xoxo

~~~~~~~~~~

You sealed up the envelope containing your love letter for your husband, your other half, your soul mate, and hoped that it would bring him a hint of delight in his usual dark, empty and deadly war days.

Somewhere in hostile Germany…

With barely enough sleep from the night before, Bucky rested his eyes for the few minutes they had before it was out on another day of fighting the opposition. The faint sound of bombs dropping was heard in the distance. His heart started pumping in both fear and excitement to be out there again.

As his eyes were closed, he sat and wondered what his wife was up to at the moment. You were most likely at work. What would you have for dinner later? Something good, he hoped. It would at least be ten times better than what he ate for breakfast, soggy bread with a slice of cheese on top.

His mouth watered at the thought of a homemade meal from you right now. You always made the tastiest and fulfilling dinners.

What were you doing after? Out with your girlfriends? Were his parents coming to visit? Either way, he hoped you had the most beautiful time being as carefree as you always were.

When the darkness came, and it was time for bed, what would you be doing? Had the day been exhausting that you dropped dead on the covers as soon your head hit the pillow, or would you stay up and think about him?

His mind started racing to you, touching yourself dead at night while you remembered the last time the two of you were intimate. The thought about you moaning his name so softly and innocently had him adjusting himself in the seat.

Not now, Buck. We have to leave soon. There’s no time for that now.

“BARNES! Post for you.”

Once he had the letter in hand, he immediately knew it was you from the little drawing you drew on the envelope. You always did some form of artwork on it that had his heart warm up.

A single tear ran down his cheek after finishing the heartwarming letter. He could never fully express to you and his parents how these letters had saved him when he needed it the most. When he had thought about ending it all after watching the inhumane things he had witnessed that no human should ever have to see, the pieces of love from you and his family were what kept him going.

There was still some time left before they had to go out to war again. So he took that chance at writing a reply to his wife.

~~~~~~~~~~

My Darling,

Thank you for the heartwarming letter. It found me well in the time when I needed it the most. I so long to be close to you. Trust my love that I do not forget you. I am doing everything in my power so that these few lines reach you.

I am happy to hear that you are keeping yourself busy with work, friends, and family. I’m jealous.

I miss you terribly, my love. If only we could be together soon. I’d give anything to be back in the comfort of your arms. To be tangled in the sheets together. To feel you wrapped so tightly around me in all the ways possible. To hear your laugh that fills my heart with warmth and butterflies. Soon my love, soon.

A child? I’ll give you as many children as you want when I return safely to you. We will buy a big house out in the countryside to raise our children and grow old if that’s what my wife desires.

The war? I don’t know what there is to say? I won’t sugarcoat it. The war is brutal and gruesome. It is something I don’t even wish upon my worst enemy to experience the things I’ve seen and gone through. Don’t be alarmed, my love, by the words you just read. As long as I have you in my mind, I can make it through the days and nights.

There is not much more for the time being to write to you. Just know that I am coming back to you after the terrible war is over.

I love you the most. From your brave soldier,

xoxo

~~~~~~~~~~

He sealed it up in an envelope, and he once again hoped that this wouldn’t be the last letter he ever wrote to you.

A few weeks later…

You waited anxiously out on the steps of your home for the postman to arrive. Legs were bouncing up and down in anticipation if today was the day a new letter from James would arrive.

“Morning, ma’am,” the postman nodded at you. By now, he knew very well who you were as he would find you most days waiting for him to bring you the mail.

“I believe this is yours.” He handed you a single letter. A smile on his face once he saw the excitement on yours when you realize it was from your husband.

“Thank you, George.”

“Have a wonderful day, Y/N.” “You too.”

You opened it right there on the steps. There was no time to walk a few meters into the house to read it.

You took the time to read the lines on the paper written by your love. Sadness came over you as you read the part about war, but a smile was left on your lips nonetheless after you had read the whole thing a few times over.

You clutched it to your heart. To try and feel that extra bit of love that radiated off it. A few tears rolled down your cheeks.

Soon my love. Soon you will be back safe and sound in my arms again.

Credit @ firefly-graphics for the wonderful divider

Thank you for reading <3 Feedback through a comment is highly appreciated if you liked it! As well as a reblog to share it with others!

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[petersasteria]

The Forces of Nature || Ch.11

Pairing: Peter Parker x Superhero!Reader

Summary: “There’s this kid out there that can control the wind or something. I think she’s a great addition to the team. Let’s recruit her.”

SERIES MASTERLIST  ||  PP MASTERLIST

Click the pictures for better quality

Step six. The step that Peter has been waiting for. He can finally and officially recruit Y/N. He didn't know how to do it, though. Maybe he could butter her up first like what he did on the previous step.

Peter wanted to just get her on the team, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. Nevertheless, he knew he had to start somewhere. So when he and Y/N were walking around the mall on a peaceful Saturday, Peter knew he had to shoot his shot.

"Y/N, I realized something." Peter started.

"Yeah?"

"We're, like, friends now and we both have powers." Peter whispered. Y/N nodded, "That's correct. What about it?"

"I'm on the Avengers, right?" Peter said. "And we need a new member. I figured that you might be interested." He shrugged. He was trying his best.

Y/N pursed her lips and said, "I'm, uh, really not into the whole hero thing. I told you last time; I want to live a normal life."

"But we could use your help, though. You're a great addition to the team, Y/N. We'd be powerful!" Peter smiled excitedly.

"And while that's true, I'm still not sure. I'm sorry, Peter." Y/N gave him a sad smile. Peter nodded, "Okay."

Y/N felt guilty for letting Peter down. "How about this- show me what your job is like as an Avenger or something for a week and if I'm not enjoying myself, I'll turn down your offer and go on with my normal life."

"And what if you enjoy it?" Peter asked.

"Do I get a welcome basket?" Y/N giggled.

Peter laughed it off as they continued to stroll around the mall. "You know, we could go there now if you want." He shrugged.

"Okay! I have nothing to do anyway." Y/N said.

"Really?"

"Yup."

"What about our Spanish homework?" Peter smirked, knowing full well that she hasn't done it yet.

"Let's not think about that." Y/N shook her head. "Let's go!"

The pair went to the compound and Y/N thought it would be nice to bring something for the avengers. After all, it's not everyday that she could meet such interesting people. Peter went straight it with Y/N trailing behind him with two boxes of pizza.

He told Y/N to buy donuts instead, but she didn't want to. She insisted on buying two large pizzas for the heroes. After all, they deserved it. They entered the elevator and a voice came through the speakers.

"Hello, Peter. Do you want me to notify Tony about your arrival?" F.R.I.D.A.Y asked.

Peter shook his head, "Uh, no thanks. We'll just be here for a while and I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay, Peter."

Y/N looked impressed, "Wow. That was cool!"

"Does that make you want to join?" Peter asked as they reach their destination.

"I need a little bit more than that, but I'm very impressed." Y/N smiled as she and Peter exit the elevator and walk to the living room where everyone was.

"H-Hey guys! I've brought a guest." Peter smiled.

"Peter, what did I tell you about-" Tony said but as he turned around to look at Peter, his jaw dropped when he saw Y/N. In fact, all of them were surprised to see her. Because of this, Y/N felt awkward and uncomfortable under their gazes.

Peter cleared his throat, "This is Y/N. Y/N, these are the Avengers."

Y/N looked at them and she was starstruck. She didn't know what to do except smile at them. Her knees were weak and suddenly the two pizza boxes felt super heavy.

Tony was the first to approach her and he shook her hand, "It's so nice to meet you, Y/N!" He turned around and looked at the rest of the team, "Right, guys?"

A chorus of 'yeah' filled the room. It was very awkward and the tension was thick. Y/N didn't know why the tension was thick, but the rest of them knew. "So, Y/N brought two boxes of pizzas, didn't you, Y/N?" Peter looked at her and slightly nudged her.

"Oh, um, yeah! I-I did." Y/N stammered. She set down the two boxes on the coffee table and gave the team a tight smile.

"Relax, kid." Steve said with a warm smile. Y/N's eyes sparkled when she saw the hero. She loved him! She still did. "Oh my god. I'm such a huge fan of yours, Captain America!" Y/N smiled a giddy smile.

"Please, call me Cap or Steve." Steve said and Y/N nodded as she repeated it over and over under her breath.

"So, what brings you both here?" Tony asked and turned to Peter with his eyebrows raised.

"We wanted to surprise you!" Peter said.

Tony nodded, "Yeah, uh-huh and we definitely were!"

"Peter was asking me to join your team actually." Y/N said in a soft voice. Everyone turned to look at her, waiting for her to continue. They really really wanted her on the team.

"Please tell us you agreed." Sam said and Bucky nodded.

"Did you agree?" Tony asked. His gaze was serious, but he was full of hope even if it wasn't obvious.

"Peter and I made a deal. I'll participate in one week and if I don't enjoy myself, I would turn down his offer. But if I do enjoy myself, then I'll accept it." Y/N smiled.

Tony nodded, "That seems fair."

The next few days after school were spent at the compound while Peter was off patrolling. After patrolling, Peter would pick up Y/N from the compound and he'd swing her home. It was a new experience for her, but she loved it. Recently, she had been hanging out with Clint, Wanda and Thor.

She and Wanda would bake together and sometimes, they'd show each other's powers. Wanda would forever be amazed by Y/N's powers and Y/N would forever be blessed to see Wanda's powers when it's not being used for heroic actions.

Thor was like the uncle Y/N never had. She was jealous of Peter for having an uncle before his uncle's untimely demise and she wanted one. Now, she was glad to have Thor. They would play games together, dance together, tell jokes, eat, and binge watch movies. Thor's favorite was leaving mjolnir in different places and Y/N would have to look for it and try to lift it.

Clint was like a father to her. She missed her father terribly and she saw similarities between her father and Clint. Plus, Clint had a family and he loved Y/N like his own. In a span of a few days, Clint became a father figure to her and she loved it. It made her think of her own father.

On the last day of the week, Y/N was hanging out at the compound as usual while Peter patrolled. She was watching Wanda move things around using her telekinesis.

"Why are you moving things around again?" Y/N asked.

Wanda shrugged, "I'm just bored."

"Same here." Y/N sighed. Her frown was quickly replaced with a smile when she looked at Wanda with an excited look on her face, "I have an idea!"

"What?" Wanda smiled.

"Let's make smores with our powers! You can levitate the ingredients and I can produce the fire on my hands." Y/N lifted her hand with a closed fist and opened it with her palm facing upward. Then, a flame appeared.

Wanda looked at her and she did her part with the ingredients. The two of them happily made smores for everyone after that.

"Y/N! I've hid mjolnir somewhere. It is your time to find- what is that amazing smell?!" Thor's voice boomed. He reached the living room and grabbed a ready made smore on the plate. He took a bite and nodded, "This is delicious!"

"Hey, guys! I'm here now!" Scott entered with a grin. He gasped at the sight of Y/N. "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. ARE YOU ON THE TEAM NOW?? THAT FIRE THING IS SO COOL. Wait, if you can do your own fire, does that make it organic? But I think fire can't be organic... or can it? I'm not really sure, but you're super cool!" He said quickly.

Y/N stared at him and awkwardly smiled, "Thanks, mister."

"Call me Scotty!"

"I think I'll call you Scott instead." Y/N laughed nervously.

"Scott, calm down." Clint said as he entered the room. He sat next to Thor who was comfortably sitting on the couch as he munch on smore after smore.

"Y/N, it's time to leave." Peter announced as he arrived and grabbed his backpack from the living room floor, not bothering to change in his normal clothes. Y/N visibly frowned as she and Wanda stopped making smores which made Thor upset.

Peter saw her frown and he was thankful that he was wearing his mask and no one could see him smirking. "C'mon, Y/N. Eunice wants you home early tonight, remember?" Peter said.

"Yeah, I guess." Y/N said sadly as he got up from the couch to give Clint, Wanda, Thor, and even Scott a hug. They bid her goodbye and they left. Peter swung her home and they didn't speak on the way to her apartment.

When they landed on the fire escape by Y/N's window, that was when Peter broke the silence, "So um, it's been a week. What'll be your answer?"

Y/N turned to look at him before she entered her room. She smiled at him and said, "I'll be looking forward to working with you, Spider-Man."

The eyes of his suit widened and he said, "D-Does that mean-?"

"Yes, I'll join your team." Y/N giggled. "It would be an honor."

"Yes!" Peter cheered. "You won't regret this, Y/N! I swear and promise you that you won't regret it."

"I trust you, Pete." Y/N smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay! Good night, Y/N."

"Good night! Text me when you get home, Pete." She smiled and watched Peter swing away. When Peter was far, she entered her room and changed into comfier clothing.

Peter happily walked out his room and helped aunt May with dinner and they ate together. Y/N ate dinner alone because Eunice was working late, but she didn't mind. It's been a while since she's been alone with her thoughts. She thought about everything she could learn from the Avengers and she thought about what other things she was capable of that the Avengers could help her discover.

After dinner, Y/N got ready for bed and watched a little bit of television before heading to bed. Peter, on the other hand, wasn't going to bed yet. He had to report to the group chat. So after dinner and after cleaning up, he brushed his teeth and went to his room. He plopped down on his bed and quickly texted the Avengers group chat.

Peter charged his phone and drifted off to sleep. Peter didn't know it yet, but he would have one hell of an experience in the following days and he wouldn't like it one bit.

* * * *

We’ve now begun the other half of this series. I hope you lot will support this series’ journey towards the nearing end.

𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @blueleatherbag​ @harryismysunflower​ @buckys-little-hoe​ @justanothermarvelmaniac​ @itstaskeen​ @sandystoriess @heeeyitskay​ @slytherin-chaser​ @quaksonhehe​ @yaya4302​ @lil-mellow-bunbun​ @starlight-starks​ @swiftmind​ @alexx-stancati​ @sovereignparker​ @nerdyandproudofitsstuff​

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @marvelousell​ @justasmisunderstoodasloki​ @rubberducky-jrr​ @petersholland​ @osterfieldnholland​ @miraclesoflove​ @god-knows-what-am-i-doing​ @perspectiveparker​ @hollands-weasley​ @itstaskeen​ @call-me-baby-gir1​ @the-panwitch​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @chloecreatesfictions​ @holland-styles​ @halfblood-princess-505​ @spidey-reids-2003​ @herbatkazmiloscia @whatthefuckimbisexual​

[space-blue]

Kismet Cop

My suicide note is a sad thing, short and written on cheap paper, filled with sybiline accusations stained by blood. Mine I presume, though I can't be sure. There is, however, no mistaking my  handwriting, with its long curves and whorls. They brought me back because my death was suspicious. It's not done often as it's expensive and dead people are a nightmare to handle. I know just how much, since it was my job back at the station. Now I get to experience it first hand, my thoughts always drifting, looping back and forth. Professionally, it's fascinating. As I'm not trying to drill any clues out of myself, it's also less infuriating than expected. I wish Damon, my partner in our two-people local unit of the Kismet corp, were here to talk to. However miserable my death might have made him, I'm sure curiosity would get the better of him. As if the fairy godmother of dead people heard my wish, my pocket buzzes. My phone, also tucked in a plastic evidence bag, reveals a glowing image of Damon's face, distorted by three-quarters of a donut shoved whole in his mouth.

"Hello!" I cry through the plastic.

"Oh God, Layla?"

"Sup?"

"Sup?! You disappeared from the station with a bunch of evidence! Barton went crazy, had the place combed down to the morgue! I just left, never figured you'd actually answer. Damn, where are you?"

"Chief should have had my fingerprints taken off the system. I had to go, they were asking all the wrong questions, wouldn't even let us talk."

"You killed yourself, I'm – was – your partner, of course they wouldn't let me see you!"

"I know – protocol – but they had no clue how to do the job. And you're the only other Kismet cop in the state! You've seen the note then? I didn't see my autopsy but it doesn't matter," I pat the back of my head and my neck as I speak, but there is nothing missing there, or anywhere. They did a good job on me, I can tell. The summoner was an Adept. The state of the body helps in fixing the remnants of the spirit, but no spirit can remember its passing, so I still haven't figured out how I did myself in. Head wounds make memories worse, so much so that judges haven't signed a summoning for anyone who ate a gun in decades, making that unlikely. "I didn't kill myself for nothing."

I can hear Damon's laboured breath. Is he crying? When he speaks again, it comes out like a moan.

"You're summoned... Layla, a shade..."

"I noticed. Actually, it's fasci–"

"You're consumed by what you left behind incomplete, you know this! What made you run away? What do you regret this bad? Is this about James?"

I cluck my tongue.

"You're not listening. I'm not running away. I'm moving forward. Capitalising on what a summoning can grant me."

"That being?"

"Drive, Damon. Single-minded drive." Car lights ripple on the window bays. Time to hang up. "Listen, how about I meet you at our old hangout on the corner of Samasarat avenue? In an hour? You can call the chief if you like."

"Wai–"

"I loved working with you Dam, don't be hard on your next partner."

I hang up and stash the phone away, my mind distracted by broken memories of the last six years, snagging on sharp-edged remorse, these minor regrets competing with the greater hurt that defines all that's left of me. I'm just the remnant of a dead Kismet cop, the strongest pieces of her will that survived her passing: the regrets that ate at her heart, the obsessions that drove her mind–the skeleton of a soul. Keys rasp in the main door. I rise from my crouching position, patting my suicide note through the evidence bag, tutting at the blood stains – the ones outside of the bag, that spread thicker the more I try to brush them away. But blood is everywhere, on my hands, sleeves, up my throat and jaws, drying my work-issued shirt in stiff creases. I walk to a corner, wipe my palms on the carpet and pick up my crowbar, hefting it. A voice calls in the dark hallway.

"Mike?"

No one answers. The door closes, keys are tossed in a bowl, switches are tried in vain. The man curses and makes his way towards the single lit and functioning bulb, walking straight into my trap like a little shrimp into the jaws of an anglerfish.

When old Supreme Justice Harkson steps into the room, the first thing he sees in the faint light is a pool of dark glossy matter against the fluffy cream carpeting, with a human shaped lump in the middle of it. You'd think he'd panic, but all he does is gasp, and flick the room's switch angrily, like the wires would uncut themselves. His eyes must have adjusted now, to recognise the lump as his son, the pool as gore and blood.

"Mike!" He cries, stumbling forward, falling to his knees in the black-red gunk.

Only months of built up obsession keep me from following my screaming instincts and pounce. Instead I step quietly out, closing the only escape.

'Hello there, Justice Harkson!'

He whirls around, one knee down, presenting the other better than I could have asked for. I swing the crowbar, crushing through tendon and bones. Harkson shrieks, falling back down on the corpse of his son, hands blindly fumbling for his gun.

'A-ha! None of that.'

I bat at his hand, satisfied to see the weapon disappear under the couch, and pull out my own Glock, making sure Harkson can see it trained at him, with little success, since the man passed out. I can wait. After so long, this is just teasing.

'What did you live for' is the first question we ask the dead. They're always ready with an answer burning their lips. I lived for my family, for pleasure, money, glory, or because dying was harder than going on. They all have their reasons. Then we ask: 'Who did you fear, love or hate?' And they tell us of the people who marked their lives. We let them rumble on, listening as their regrets gnaw their way out of their heart without artifice. The dead have no reason to lie, so they tell us everything. My job was to turn that flow of emotional information into something useful for investigators. Even dead I am still patient.

Harkson stirs, waking in what I assume must be a cloud of serotonins and endorphins.

"What's a Kismet cop,” he whizzes, “doing in my house, covered in blood?”

His teary eyes sweep over my pale face, the white hair tumbling from my beanie, the bloodshot eyes and bruise-coloured lips.

“A dead Kismet cop.”

“Very observant. Took your son longer to get that far. Proof that when daddy's a bigwig any dumb psycho can turn to serial-killing.”

"I don't know what you're talking about! Who are you?"

"Does James Fitzharding sound familiar?"

Harkson's eyes narrow, from pain or suspicion I can't tell, but he remains silent.

"My name is Layla Fitzharding. The big sister."

Silence still.

"I was Kismet, James was a crime inspector. Worked on the Merryway murderer. Your son." I spit.

"You have no proof!"

"Oh, you made sure of that – for years – didn't you, Justice? No one signed the papers to summon my brother. He was packed off to family to be buried, his colleagues left to puzzle over the circumstances of his death." I laugh. "Too bad for your murderous duo, big sis is friends with half the Necromancy Guild. Had ourselves a little private summoning."

My voice cracks. Dead people can't cry, so I don't.

"Whatever Inspector Fitzharding said during an illegal summoning won't stand in court!"

"I found out clues about the Merryway murderer during a random interrogation on a dead woman who had never testified. She wasn't supposed to be out, she said. Well, her husband killed her anyway!"

I smile a sad, twisted smirk.

"It was me who called my brother with that information. It's the regret that eats me inside out, that I spoke the words that sent him on your hell-spawn's trail. To his death."

Harkson stares balefully, maybe still taken with his illusions of legal justice and fearing recording devices.

"You know why you're not scarred? It's because you think us Kismet cops just chat with the dead. You don't know how often we have to restrain them."

Finally, that raises some alarm. Dots connecting, maybe.

"What–"

"These burning regrets and emotions, they're not only driven to talk about them, but to act on them. To have vengeance, redemption – peace... It feels so right."

We look at each other then, understanding full well we're two dead people chatting over a third.

"Your son was hors-d'oeuvre, but oh! You–" I laugh, and shoot.

~~ September 2017 – Theme : Regrets and redemption

[amnachil]

To the Perfection Chapter 2 Part 6

My uptade schedule is a mess right now :) But that’s usual so you’ll have to deal with it x)

Cody Thursday April 11

"Ah."

Hate. Disappointment. Repugnance. Cody felt all that in this one word. Their coach just put Thomas and him together for an exercise. This will be terrible. The teenager was suffering everyday. He felt like shit. He blamed himself for everything. The others were right : he had no right to stand next to the amazing ginger. He should just disappear. A rational part of himself knew some people had endured way worse for way longer. He also knew that maybe Thomas was to blame. But I love him. Still, I love him so much.

"Come here leech." ordered his crush. "I don't want to be the center of all the attention."

They went on a corner and started the training. At first, Cody sensed their classmates staring, but after a while, he forgot them. His eyes went on Thomas. According to the nurse data, he was 176 cm (5'9") and weighted 71 kg (156 pounds). He was so perfectly hansdome. His muscles bulged when he stretched. His green eyes where shining. He had delicate freckles, almost invisible.

"Did you learn your lesson ?" the ginger suddenly asked.

"Uh ? I... well... Yes. I'm sorry for everything. I know I screwed up." Cody replied quickly.

He's talking to me. I thought it would never happen again. Thomas frowned.

"Joël you're so annoying." he muttered and then continued louder : "Maybe I reacted a bit harshly. Just a bit but you didn't deserved all this hate. I'll tell everyone to stop now."

The dark-haired lad opened his mouth and shut it again. He... He was kind of apologising ? Am I dreaming ?

"Don't think I'm trusting you again." continued Thomas more aggressively. "I still resent you."

"Okay. I deserved it anyway. I'm sorry I've been so pushy with you and Ilhan all this time. I thought he was depressing and wrongly accused you so..."

"Hey, you don't need to talk." cut the ginger. "Just... be your old annoying self and don't talk to me."

And he left.

Cody went home lost in his thought. Thomas had talked to him. He was almost nice. Once locked in his bedroom, he ate his whole meal for the first time in month. The nurse had said he was a bit underweight by the way. I don't know what is this feeling ? Maybe it was relief. Or serenity. But for the first time in weeks, Cody slept peacefully.

Dan Saturday April 13

"I'll be straight. You're still growing fat. You have more mass muscle now for sure, but you're still gaining too much weight. What do you prefer ? Another kind of diet or we continue just like this ?"

Dan glanced at Sandra. Then, he looked at the number on the scale. 96 kg (211 pounds). 4 kg (9 pounds) in half a month.

"I know you usually don't like to talk about nutrition." continued his personnal coach. "Nonetheless, you'll keep getting bigger at this rate. I just want to be sure you know what you want ?"

He grunted. What I want is my boyfriend and some answers. Thomas's theory was messing with his head. He had dumbly rummaged through all Raphaël's stuff. He felt bad for having doubts. And the more he felt bad, the more he felt unworthy of the star athlete. Which brought him to this eternal thought : the ginger would soon find someone better and leave him. Dan couldn't blame Thomas for this. His friend was very supportive and he was doing his best to cheer him up. Same for Shirley and Carol. But he was turning crazy. Who the hell knew what Raphaël was doing abroad ? He could easily meet someone and bring them to his hotel room and they could... Stop this. I need to stop thinking like this.

"Earth to Dan Vince." waved Sandra. "Your decision ?"

"Honestly I don't care right now." he replied. "My weight is the less of my problem and I want it to keep it that way."

"Fine. So same routine than usual, go get ready."

When he arrived home, Dan received a call from the university. He had to attend overtime classes in order to graduate. Not the thing I needed right now. Thomas was already there and he smiled cheerfully when he saw him.

"I cooked diner."

"Cool. I need to stuff my face and forget how shitty the day was."

They sat around the table and he started with the big plate of pasta his friend handed him.

"Still preoccupied by my big brother ?" the ginger whispered. "I can see it's bothering you a lot..."

"Yeah... I don't know what to think anymore. I should trust him you know ? I feel bad."

Thomas nodded and let him finish the dish. Dan continued with mashed potatoes and then two big burgers. He didn't even realise that wasn't really a "healthy meal".

"I know the feeling..." assured his friend. "I want to trust him too but... I don't know what else it could be... He even doesn't answer your calls."

"Darren said he was probably busy with all the work." replied Dan.

"Yeah I would gladly think the same but..."

What ? Just spit it. You know something right ? Damn, the brown lad was getting bitter. All this stuff was so unbearable. He was scared, angry, tired and heart-broken at the same time.

"He answered to mom's call two times." whispered Thomas. "It looks like he's avoiding you on purpose..."

Dan finished his fifth plate. He stood up and smiled to his friend.

"I'm exhausted." he said. "Thanks for the diner, it was awesome. You're awesome."

He managed to go into his room before he cried. The world was falling apart.

Thomas Sunday April 14

He kindly rubbed the protesting stomach. With one expert hand, he made soft circle around the most painful spot. With his other hand, he gave Ilhan another treat. This one groaned. He swallowed. Slowly, he tried to stand up straight, but his weight prevented him to.

"Stay quiet." demanded Thomas. "You have a lot to eat yet."

A glint of panic crossed the other's eyes. He was already stuffed. His bloated belly was streching his too-tight shirt. The buttons looked ready to burst, which was exactly what the ginger wanted. The last few days had been hard, he deserved some pleasure. Ilhan managed to eat three more pastries. They heard a popping sound. His shirt opened wide, unveiling the glory that was his bloated gut.

"Nice." whispered Thomas.

Seing Dan so sad was very difficult. The poor college student was suffering because of Raphaël. But it's only a matter of days. Then, everything will be okay. I'll take care of him. Two donuts later, Ilhan grunted.

"I can't... eat... burp... more."

"You'll stop when I say so."

The ginger sat astride his feedee. His bare skin touched the oversized belly. He gently rubbed his six-pack against it. One hand grapped another pastry.

"We're getting to the fun part." he moaned.

And yes they were.

Once he had satisfied all his needs, Thomas left Ilhan. He had an important meeting with Darren. This one lived next to the Vince's family. Since he was a bachelor, he only occupied a third of the house. He greeted the ginger politely.

"We'll have to keep things professional." he precised. "Until the end of the year, I'm still your teacher and it would be dramatic for the highschool if we were spotted talking together. They're very strict since what happened last year with the Strucker boy."

"First of all, don't ever talk about Liam in front of Raphaël or me please. This isn't a topic we like to  think about. He's our friend and we don't like all the bad rumors spreading about him."

Darren apologized quickly, and offered some snacks.

"Did Raphaël ask you to come over ?" he asked. "I mean, I wouldn't be surprised since he hates me... He wants you to pass the message right ?"

"Not at all. To be honest, big bro and I never talked about you." replied Thomas. "Just relax, I'm here to help, not to spy on you."

The ginger smiled. He knew his warmth had less effect on Darren, but it worked anyway.

"Yeah you're right, sorry. So, can you tell me how I can appease Raphaël ?"

Should I ask what exactly happened between them ? It would be nice to know the detail, but the teacher could become wary again. Plus, Thomas didn't need much more intel now that Dan was doubting. A proof will be enough.

"I guess you already told him you were only thinking about Dan's happiness ? You should prove it too. Do you have any old photos of you two ?"

"Sure. Let me find them."

Darren went to the garage to search in his old boxes. The teenager took the opportunity to go through the living room curiously. And he found a godsend proof. A rough draft of a letter. Wednesday is the day I win. Be ready big bro.

To be continued

Welp things are rough. Cody’s living hell is not totally over but there is progress right ? 

In the meantime, Dan is the new victim of Thomas’s scheme. The young ginger said it himself : he’s so winning this. 

[bombtimer]

Day 13: On excitement

There have been many excitements in my lifetime. They range from (as one of my friends think of me) superficial things to perhaps philosophical ones. Here we go.

1. Entering the bookstore

While one of my earliest excitement going to the bookstore was in Gramedia Sudirman, Yogyakarta, there is no less joy when I have to spend money in a bookstore. I remembered my aunt bought me an illustrative book of volcanoes while my cousin got the earthquake one, and we ate Dunkin’ Donuts afterwards. There was also a new bookstore opening, called Social Agency Bookstore, when upon its opening, they have many discounts, particularly on manga. I prefer Gramedia to Gunung Agung, as I think the latter’s collection is less. But the favourite retail bookstore in Indonesia has to be Togamas. Not only does it give you discounts, they also provide free plastic cover for the books you’ve just bought. I developed admiration for mas mbak penyampul since they work so fast and neatly. I tried to cover my books several times but they don’t come as perfect as ones done by mas mbak Togamas.

During my undergrad, I might have not immersed myself with books. I can only remember reading Murakami’s Norwegian Woods and 1Q84 (which is arguably one of the best romantic novels ever). And, of course, Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google. These books might motivate me to read books again after high school, and sure, I tried several Goodreads Challenges every year.

In the UK, I have Waterstones just in the corner of my campus. It is a four-storey building. All floors are carpeted so you will hear people trying not to stomp and walk quietly. Books related to my field are located on the third floor, where there is no lift. But there is a small spot when you could read there and even work on assignments. It is a quiet corner where you can see people taking a smoke outside the Faculty of Engineering. There is also a cafe with delicious cinnamon rolls on the first floor.

Second bookstore that captivates me is Cambridge University Press Bookshop. I was roaming on the streets when it started raining and accidentally I was just on the outside of this gem. The building is three-storey, and it is quite small for what is one of the prominent press bookshops in the world. It is also no wonder to not see a rack dedicated to urban planning, though surely it contains the geography section.

I was definitely left in awe when I visited Blackwell’s in Oxford. Another friend told me that I should go there since the collection is humongous. And when finally I went there, I thought it’s the biggest bookshop that I ever visited and it contains a specific floor for social science. The Oxford University Press Bookshop is even smaller than that of Cambridge, and I remember I was questioning how come this university does not have what I am looking for. Yet in Blackwell’s, even two bookshelves are dedicated to urban planning and Southeast Asia. I also found Pisani’s Indonesia Etc., along with workpieces of Sir Batty. I spent almost £120 along with a tote bag that shouts for “Yes, I’ve been to Oxford but no I’m not a student at Oxford Uni”. Maria and I spent a solid 2.5 hours wandering in silence looking for what we like; she even spent £200 on five books which cover all the possible materials for her dissertation. All hails Blackwell’s.

2. Going places with close friends

The memory started in 2014, when my undergrad friends went to my hometown and tried Dieng for the first time. It was in January, so we didn’t catch the sunrise at Sikunir. Though Wonosobo has a scenic view, it’s not much to do around here except eating and talking. 

I also consider the trip going back to Bandung with Bohokism after failing to say goodbye to Mira before she embarked for Stuttgart back in 2017. We had a really deep conversation where I finally did acknowledge my darkest times. It was also a start of something great because thanks to them, I also got motivated to be where I am today.

In the UK, I’m blessed to be surrounded by kind people. The one of trip memories started with a Bristol-Bath trip during the reading week in the first term. I happened to get acquainted with Hana and Aska, with Maria and Gineng also joined in. I remember the Cornish pasty that was so good I brought one to go. We wandered around Bristol and noticed the unicorn lightning rod on top of a building, and bought some Indomie and eggs to eat at our oh-so-comfy AirBnB. Afterwards we strolled on the dock and enjoyed the night breeze. The following day we went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant that gives a student discount so we could eat only for £10. We also had a photo session down in Bath Spa, as Hana is good with her camera. I also remember the bus going back to London when we sat by ourselves and did some Netflix and reading (clearly not me).

The next trip would be the Scotland trip. Some said that enjoying the highlands is better in winter (as in going to Morocco), and indeed it was true. We arrived in Edinburgh and climbed the hills and stopped by the Department of Theology of Edinburgh University and realised that every university in London doesn’t have a similar ambience. We also checked in to every Christmas market or Winter Wonderland in every city we’ve been to, as Marwa really loves mulled wine. Our mandatory photo was taken at a photobooth but we just didn’t print it.

We then proceeded to Glasgow and headed to the highlands. Like whoa. I have been seeing the mountainous scenery as I always live in the highlands but that doesn’t compare to what Scotsman see everyday. I also lived my childhood dream as finally I saw the mighty Loch Ness. It’s a sad thing that I couldn’t go to Isle of Skye, but that's alright since I remember having a really deep talk with Agita, Marwa, and Punyu at a hostel near Dundee city square. I couldn’t find Indomie so I had to eat local instant noodles which tasted horrible. We basically just read the Book of Questions and yeah I think that is what is making us closer afterwards. 

There were a lot of trips in between, but I have to emphasise my Cornwall trip with Albert, Maria, and Hana in September 2019. We were dying to enjoy the beach in the southwestern part of England. We rented a car with no insurance, where only Hana and Maria were able to drive the car smoothly. We packed lots of snacks and cooked in our small but comfy AirBnB. We went to St. Ives and enjoyed the beach and the drizzle. And the famous fish and chips. I always asked to stop for a chocolate twist and Maria and Hana would just sighed. Albert is always that curious guy who would end up falling but he didn’t. We also hung out at a beach bar where it was a family night, where the three of us had cider or beer while I stuck on soda and lime. We cooked every time and had only all-you-can-eat when we stopped by Portsmouth on the way back to London. We realised that we were so lavish that during the 3 days trip we spent almost 200 quids each.

In the end, I agree that it’s not about the destinations as they will be just them. It’s always about the journey, the talk, the snack, the “e e awas awas!”, the “pake duit lo dulu dong”, and the memories, particularly with these chaps.

3. Getting called upon the stage

One thing I just realised that I will have to lower my expectations if I want to get an award or something alike. I remember seeing my seniors getting called and put in front of all students and their parents during the national exam results in junior high. Ten students were called along with their parents. I thought, at that time, like whoa they are smart. In high schools, only the top three students from natural science and social science class got called to the stage. Along with opening the result of SNMPTN and Chevening. I was thinking that I’d just be having a real good time along with my friends during the graduation when suddenly I heard my test number getting declared. I remembered that I couldn’t believe that fact and saw Eriska just congratulate me. I thought I was done after delivering a speech as I was an ex-OSIS guy, but I have to say that that day was quite specially wrapped.

Another case is when I went to Shah Alam by myself, presenting the research findings back in November 2017. I was the only Indonesian presenter there. The faculty members of the university holding the conference said that they knew some of my lecturers. As the conference was about research methods, I wondered why several presenters didn’t emphasise the novelty of their methods. But among six key tracks of the conference, I was awarded The Best Paper in Urban Planning and Development track, where I also just couldn’t believe it yet I couldn’t contain my excitement of getting my work noticed. I remember Maria putting it simply “Gue tau lo pengen karya lo yang diliat orang, bukan nama lo. Like let your works speak for yourself”. And yes, she was obviously right.

[jetsetlife138]

Sick Like Me

This is a work-in-progress. I'll update the summary, tags, etc., as the story goes on. For now, just enjoy?

Summary: You come across a downtrodden man in an alley and offer him salvation. That was your first mistake.

Pairings: Michael Langdon x You

Words: 2,300

Warnings: None in this chapter, but there will be eventual smut (lots), dubious consent, religious imagery, gore, and more as we go along.

The sense of hopelessness weighed heavy on the young Antichrist. After spending four days alone in the wilderness in an unsuccessful attempt to receive direction from his absent father, he was filthy, starving, and exhausted. He felt dejected and empty - lost and without a purpose as he sat on the pavement against the chilled brick of the building in the alley that he aimlessly wandered down, alone and desperate for a sign. 

Holding his head in his hands, he leaned forward to prop his elbows on his crossed legs while he rested his eyes, trying to make sense of his existence. 

“Excuse me, sir?” The soft, feminine voice caused him to look up, squinting in the light as his eyes fought to focus on his visitor. When he didn’t verbally acknowledge your presence, you asked again, “Hey, excuse me, sir… are you okay?” “What’s it to you?” he mumbled skeptically, trying to portray himself as standoffish, but instead sounding pitiful and weak. “I just…” you began, struggling for words. “You look like you could use some food and water. Or somewhere to rest at the very least. I’m on my way somewhere that can help. Do you want to come with me?” “That’s… actually really nice of you,” he replied, his voice thick with emotion. Grinning wryly, you extended a hand to help him up. He took it gratefully, raising to his feet, suddenly towering over you. He could get a better look at you now that you weren’t standing with the sun behind you. 

He noted that you had a kind face and a welcoming smile, which was something he wasn’t accustomed to. Hanging from your arm was a basket of pamphlets with a plain black cover, not revealing the purpose of them. Still gripping his hand, you gave him a firm shake as you introduced yourself. “I’m Y/N.” He returned your gesture with as much force as he could muster, which wasn’t much. “My name is Michael. Michael Langdon.” “It’s really nice to meet you, Michael,” you replied, releasing his hand. He flexed his fingers at his side at the absence of your touch, not used to the kindness of others. A pang of grief surged through his mind at the memory of Ms. Mead, the only person to genuinely care for him, and who was now gone. “Come on,” you urged. “It’s not far at all. Just another block down the alley.” He limped beside you, his legs still recovering from kneeling on the hard ground for four days straight. As you walked, he took notice of the way that you had walked with a purposely slow pace so that he could easily keep up. Only a few minutes later, the two of you had reached an opening in the alley, leading you to the back of an industrial building. Michael paused, hesitating when he noticed an a Satanic emblem in the form of an upside-down cross painted on the corner. 

“Michael?” you called out when you noticed his delay. “You okay?” He nodded, dismissing the symbol and following you towards a back door leading into the building with a gruff-looking man sitting on a stool next to it. “Hey, Mo,” you greeted happily. 

The man looked to be in his early 50’s, with a disgruntled expression, adorned with a worn leather jacket to add to the intimidating appearance. Though he appeared threatening, his demeanor was friendly. “Hiya, Y/N. What brings you here?” 

“I brought these for Aunt Madelyn,” you answered, raising your arm holding the basket of pamphlets. “Hannah had asked her to order these for the potluck on Wednesday, but she didn’t have time to pick them up from the store, so I told her I’d bring them by.”

He nodded, grumbling in acknowledgment while his eyes darted between you and Michael. “Y/N, you know you have to actually be a member in order to have guest privileges, right?”

“Mo, come on,” you pleaded. “He just needs some water, and I know you guys are hoarding donuts in there. Just this once?” 

Michael appeared baffled at the way you easily manipulated the man with your sweet voice and batting eyelashes, turning him into putty in your hands. 

With an eye roll, Mo sighed heavily before standing from the stool and opening the door. “You owe me one.” 

“You’re seriously the best,” you praised, beaming at him before the two of you slipped inside. 

“Mhm,” he muttered before closing the door behind you. 

Leading Michael down the stairs into the below ground chambers, you thought it best to warn him before descending to the wolves. “So, um… this is probably going to be a little weird for you, but just keep to yourself and don’t judge too harshly. Everyone here is off their rocker, but they’re harmless. Mostly.” 

“What do you mean?”

“You’ll see,” you warned, reaching the entry into the chamber. 

Entering the grand room, you gauged Michael’s reaction to the church hall, which was adorned in red and black with pews of people facing the upside-down cross at the front. He seemed completely in awe and at a loss for words as he took in his surroundings. 

“She’s almost done,” you informed him, nodding towards Hannah, the High Priestess dressed in a bright red robe preaching to the congregation. “Let’s take a seat and as soon as she’s done, we’ll get you some food and water, okay?”

He nodded gratefully, following as you walked toward the pews. You had noticed your aunt in the back row and quietly sat next to her, motioning for Michael to join you. Hannah was ranting, berating the congregation for not being sinful enough and insisting that they should be ashamed of failing Satan in hopes of helping to bring about the end times. Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you kept your focus on Michael, wondering when this would be too weird for him and he’d go running for the door. Much to your surprise, he didn’t. He was hooked on every word she spoke, though you noticed that he seemed somewhat… disappointed? Odd.

You thought for sure that when Hannah had confessed to robbing a nursing home and donating the money to the NRA that he would bail, but instead, tears trailed down his face as he lifted his hand to mask his sadness. It was hard not to offer words of encouragement, but you thought it best to leave him be. 

Your Aunt Madelyn pulled your focus when she handed you the collection plate, to which you replied with a glare. “Not happening.” You were all for freedom of religion, but if they thought for one minute that you would monetarily contribute to their absurdity, they were even more insane than they appeared. 

“Well, what about your friend?” she asked, motioning to Michael. 

His eyes flickered to the collection plate before he addressed her pathetically, “I don’t have any money.” She offered him a sympathetic glance before passing the plate to the row in front of her. “Or any food from the looks of it. How long has it been since you ate, kid?” “That’s why I brought him here,” you informed her. 

“To offer him stale donuts?” she inquired, narrowing her eyes at you, which you met with an annoyed glance. Ignoring your stare, she looked past you to Michael. “I live just a couple of blocks up the street. I can offer you a hot meal if you’d like.” 

With tears in his eyes, he nodded gratefully. Leaning in closer to your aunt, you whispered in her ear, “Are you seriously going to let a strange homeless man in your house? Not that I don’t condone kindness, especially from a Satanist, but don’t you think that’s a little dangerous?” 

“Well, nobody’s perfect. Besides, he seems harmless,” she gestured, looking him over. “Honestly, we could use all of the new members we can get.” “I didn’t bring him here so that you could recruit him to your freaky sinners anonymous group,” you hissed under your breath. 

“No one’s recruiting anyone, dear. If he’s here, it’s because our Dark Lord led him here. He’s right where he’s supposed to be.” Rolling your eyes, you sighed heavily, knowing that arguing with her over this kind of thing was a lost cause. A simple gesture of thoughtfulness was quickly spiraling into a homeless housing situation, which made you nervous. Not that Michael had creepy vibes or anything like that, but he was clearly going through something that was devastating enough to leave him in this state, and you weren’t sure you wanted your family caught up in whatever he had going on. 

Once the service wrapped up, you and your aunt escorted Michael to her home where she had prepared a hot beef stew. You watched Michael carefully as he sat in silence, not meeting your eyes unless you addressed him with a direct question. 

While Madelyn was putting the finishing touches on the stew, you sat with Michael at the dinner table, twiddling your thumbs in the awkward silence until you couldn’t help but try to make conversation. 

“So,” you began, causing his eyes to flicker to you from his lap. “Do you want to talk about what happened to you?” 

Shrugging his shoulders, it appeared that he was too emotionally drained to talk about whatever had led him here, so you changed the subject. “Look, don’t let Aunt Madelyn scare you off with her rants about worshiping the devil. She’s a little nuts, but she doesn’t mean any harm” 

“You believe that she’s mentally impaired because she has dedicated her life to Satan?” 

His question made you hesitate for a moment as you tried to determine the amount of sarcasm attached to it. It didn’t seem he had any malicious intent, but was simply curious.

“I think that everyone has their own way of trying to find their purpose in life. Worshiping something mythical like Satan and trying to bring about the end times if my aunt’s messed up way of coping.”

“You’re convinced that Satan is a myth?” he pressed further, carefully gauging your reaction. 

Giving him a wry smile, you replied, “I don’t know what I believe. If you asked my aunt, she’d tell you that Satan has blessed her with riches beyond her wildest dreams.” For dramatic affect, you gestured around the run-down house to emphasize your sarcasm. “But I don’t think that I could ever get behind something that encourages such evil and hatred towards others. It just doesn’t feel right.” 

Pursing his lips slightly, he continued to look you up and down, making you squirm in your seat as his heated gaze started to become uncomfortable. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly into a smirk as he seemed to realize the affect his intense gaze had on you. “How noble of you,” he finally commented, keeping his voice even so that you couldn’t determine if he was being genuine or sarcastic. 

You didn’t have the chance to ask him to clarify before your aunt came in with the food, talking about how inspiring the service was today and how she wished you’d give it a chance. 

Too caught up in observing your new guest, you didn’t bother to argue with her. Instead, you were focused the way Michael listened intently to her every word in fascination as he ate. Though he must have been starving, he took his time eating, savoring the meal as if he weren’t sure when he would get another. It was endearing in a weird way. When she started on the morbid subject of selling her soul at a Black Mass, you cut her off, intent on changing the subject. Though you had heard of what selling your soul at a Black Mass entailed, you never truly believed that your aunt was capable of taking someone’s life. You had figured that it was more a fable than anything else. Regardless, it wasn’t something that you would encourage her to proudly confess to a stranger. 

Michael, ever the curious one, pressed further with a hint of facetiousness, “Did you sign a contact in blood?” 

You couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped you at the absurdity of it all, which your aunt didn’t appreciate. “Y/N, this isn’t a joke. Look at what the Dark Lord has blessed me with!”

You exchanged a telling glance with Michael, recalling your previous conversation. He smirked again as he chewed on a mouthful of bread while she continued to list all of the material items that she received as a gift for her dedication.

Oblivious to your silent exchange, she continued, “Every Wednesday night, Brad Pitt comes over and fucks me till the sun comes up. On Friday nights I get Ryan Reynolds.”

Slapping your hand over your face in embarrassment, you couldn’t find the words to excuse your aunt’s delusions, so you remained quiet, allowing Michael to be entertained. However, when you looked at him, he didn’t seem amused. Instead, he appeared dejected as he commented, “So that's all it is then. Satan is carnal pleasure.”

Shaking her head in denial, Madelyn continued, “Hell no! We've got a greater purpose. We are moving towards the beginning of the end. Our Savior is coming! A spawn of Satan will lead us off of a cliff and into the end times! We just have to make things terrible enough for him to rise. We are the rancid, contaminated soil from which he will bloom and then plunge us in eternal darkness so that we can walk with Satan in eternal hellfire!”

He wasn't fazed at all by her rantings. In fact, he seemed somewhat guilty. You couldn't understand his expression, but it made you feel uneasy. “I hate to break it to you... but you’re waiting in vain.”

Taken aback by his statement, you turned to Madelyn quick enough to see her snatch the food from Michael’s reach, her expression livid as she got up from the table to put the food away without another word. "What are you talking about?" she hissed, refusing to look at him.

Sighing heavily, Michael met your eyes before he followed his previous statement in a melancholic tone, “I’m the one you’re waiting for.”

[memories-of-a-sleever]

Let's ramble for starters...

I had thought about making a tumblr for a while now, mainly to use as a personal diary. Something I can look back on as my journey progresses and remember where I came from. Because that's important. You never appreciate where are if you can't look back on where you've been. I don't know who said that, someone much more inspirational than me. I suppose since I took this long to start my Tumblr, I'd better start from the beginning.

Let's start with the basics. My name is redacted. I am an Australian gay guy in his mid to late 30s. I have a wonderful partner of many years, a steady job and own my own house. I love Nintendo, Pokémon Go, comics and Marvel (Both the movies and the comics). 

Oh, one more tiny thing. I also love food. I love food more than I probably should, and let's be real. I've always loved food. I can remember loving food from a very early age. I love the taste of food, I love trying new food, I love socialising with people over food. I obviously love food too much, and this shows through my habits, my weekly food spend and most importantly my body.

My body has been ravaged by food all my life. I don't think there was ever a time that I was skinny or a regular weight. I was a chubby kid, who turned into a fat teenager, who turned into a morbidly obese adult. There's a fucking awful thing to be called. Morbidly Obese. It makes you feel like you are so disgustingly fat that you belong in a freakshow. Whoever coined that term, you are a cunt. Unfortunately, facts are facts America; I am morbidly obese. I currently weight 196kg (432 pounds for those not on the Metric system). I am currently the heaviest I have EVER weighed and I have myself to blame.

I don't think I remember a time as a kid or teenager when my mum (who is also a larger lady) wasn't on a diet or forcing me to be on a diet. They never lasted long, and some of my most prominent memories are my mum and I sneaking treats when we should be dieting. I remember hating the diets though. We would eat diet food that always had that artificial sweetener taste that I fucking hate and we would have super restrictive food intake. Although, it probably wasn't as restrictive as I remember it to be, but I just remember being REALLY hungry a lot of the time. 

I would cheat a lot on my diets. Sometimes, I would have a spoonful of milo to get that sugar hit I was craving, or a spoonful of peanut butter. Always spoonfuls of things, because you can't get caught for that. No-one keeps track of EXACTLY how much of something is in a jar, so if the spoonfuls are small enough you can absolutely get away with it. I remember that my mum used to pack me diet yoghurt in my school lunches, which of course I hated. So I used to trade them for nicer food with a kid at my school. I don't think we were even friends, so looking back I don't know if she had a body image issue and wanted diet food (Cause she wasn't big by any stretch) or maybe she just liked me. I guess I'll never know. The point is, I cheated. A lot. 

I remember always feeling like I was in a constant state of misery or shame. I'm sure I remember things way more intensely than they actually happened, but I guess they're the only memories I have. So I hate dieting. Always have, probably always will. When I became an independent adult, i.e - living out of home and earning my own money, I decided I didn't want to diet anymore. I wanted to enjoy my life. And I did. I spent over 10 years, basically eating what I wanted and doing what I wanted.

I remember when I was at home by myself one night, I cooked an Enchilada kit and then ate the whole thing. Those kits have 8 servings in them. So I ate 8 servings of Enchilada in one sitting. On eating the 6th or 7th enchilada I started to feel overfull, but I kept going. I've learned to hide any evidence of eating poorly by ingesting the evidence and that's what I did. When I finished the 8th enchilada, I felt so ill. My stomach was bloated like I've never felt before and was physically hurting. I actually thought I was going to burst my stomach and I was panicked and embarassed and sore. Turns out, your stomach can put up with a lot of torture from you. After a few hours, it righted itself. Needless to say, this is a moment that I remember with pure horror. I was so embarassed and I knew it was wrong, but I kept going. I kept eating whatever I wanted.

Now, anyone who isn't fat or has never been fat probably wont understand this, but I was a fairly healthy fat person. I could run if I wanted to (Though rarely did), my breathing was fine, I didn't have diabetes and my blood sugar and pressure were always normal measurements. All those things that they tell you will happen to you if you are a fatty. They didn't happen to me. My doctor would always say to me that I should lose weight, and that he wished he could tell me that I was unhealthy because of it to motivate me, but it just wasn't the case. I was able to live a fairly normal life. I mean, I still got the stares in public, the children whispering about me to their parents, I still felt uncomfortable on a plane (I'll come back to that another time >_>) and had trouble finding nice clothes that fit me, but more or less I lived a happy life.

When I was about 24 I think, I had my first real relationship. I had wanted a relationship for a while, but never had the guts to talk to anyone or ask them out. Truth be told, I probably didn't understand why they would want to go out with me. I was the exact opposite of what the world tells us we should want to be or be with. Just to be clear, because for some reason I need it stated I was not unfamiliar with the more carnal desires of life, just the relationship part, as a teenager I experimented with every person who was willing on the down low. Probably partly because of my shame with being gay at that age and partly with my shame of being fat. It doesn't really lend itself to self worth. Anyway, my first relationship. 

I was with a guy who I suspected at the time, but confirmed towards the end, was a chubby chaser. He liked bigger guys, and that worked for me at the time. He was attractive and we made it work for a good few years. We did the normal things; dated, moved in together, bought each other promise rings. I started to get REALLY comfortable and happy. And when I'm happy, I like to increase the happiness with my old friend food. I was in charge of cooking most nights, so we would usually have food that I liked; burgers, nachos, stir frys. We would go out for dinner at least 2-3 times a week. Couple that with the fact that I would buy lunch at work and lived a fairly sedentary lifestyle playing video games and understandably, my weight started to increase. 

This is when I started to become sneaky in my relationship too. I would come home from work early and cook myself a burger before dinner, or if I worked from home I would get a bunch of junk food and eat it all before my partner came home. If you are trying to figure out how much junk food that is, an example could be: A pack of donuts, a 2L coke, a bag of chips, a family packet of M&Ms and a packet of shapes. I don't remember when I got to this weight, but I think I was around the 150-160kg mark at this stage.

Looking back, I suspect that I had become too big, even for my chubby chaser boyfriend because he started to flirt with a guy at work, he told me it was harmless and meant nothing, but when I came home from work one day and they were in our apartment building's hot tub together I knew it wasn't nothing. Those were some of the hardest days of my life. I broke up with him on my birthday, when I could tell he just didn't care less about me anymore. He cried and made me feel bad about my decision, but by the next week he had started dating the guy he was flirting with. I was pretty heartbroken. Looking back, it's a sad memory but at the same time it worked out for the best, and also those two didn't last long so they can go fuck themselves XD.

The months after the breakup brought on a level of depression I had never felt before and I learned I have a VERY different reaction to depression than I expected, but I will add to this later.

[duallygirl178]

Dearest O'Malley Chapter 12

Chapter 12

It took me 2 months to pull myself back to health and being sad about losing Joe really got me. I didn't want to start working again as soon as I heard about it. I know that small things such as a relationship has came to an end don't upset me. I wasn't upset when Shay stopped hanging out with Nathan but when things like this happen, it takes me a long time to get over it. I too was really close to Joe since I was almost always up there. I know I would mess around with him when I needed something lined up. It would be a very hard, tough summer for me. Night after night, I'd sit under the carport looking sad. Nathan spent over 36 dollars trying to fix me while Natalie urged him not to give up. She went with him to see me. No matter what the problem was, I still missed Joe. Carol was transported to Good Sams to get better and it would be days before she could come home. The only person that could help now was Shannon; Buck's old landlord from Flora Vista. Nathan needed to go get him.

When Shannon came to the rescue one day, I started to feel a bit better. It had been after 5 years since I've seen him. He helped Nathan correct the problem and realigned my points. Then, when I started for him, it brought Nathan great joy. It was all on a Thursday afternoon in September and it was just in time because tomorrow would be my 51st birthday. Nathan took pictures of me t show Natalie. I quickly noticed I had worn off the affects of the nitrous from the college and let go of the pain of being sad. After all, the sun was shining and it was comfortably warm out. I would miss Joe but I will always remember him. When we went to get Natalie that Friday evening from her babysitting job. Natalie was happy to see me running again. Today, was my 51st birthday and we drove to celebrate it at SONIC as my birthday dinner. We ordered hamburgers and had master blasts  while listening to all my favorite songs on Natalie's phone. She recorded song over the week all for me. They all took me back in my day when those hit songs were written and sung on the air. I haven't heard songs like "Rip it up" in over 16 years and it really had been a long time since I've heard them all in a drive-in burger joint on a summer night. I was having a nice birthday and I was enjoying it all except for that two friends of mine that were missing to make it even better.

The moment after we got done eating, I started to make my way down the street headed home that night. I suddenly heard someone sing out to me about 4 feet behind me "Good Golly, Miss Molly!" and I wasn't paying any attention until the last minute on who it was. I heard it again. "Good golly, Miss Molly! Sure like a ball!" I looked behind me and it was Gonzo. I laughed and said "Uh-on. Someone come get Gadget-mobile...'Good morning Riverton'!"

It was a very good to see him here tonight. I haven't seen the ol' Saucer in weeks. When he finished laughing, Gonzo replied "Where've you been at the last few weeks?" I told him; "I got sick after I had surgery on my transmission and didn't run for two months." Gonzo gasped in surprise and said "Oh no. That's not good. Well, I hoped that you were able to get better." I agreed and remembered to tell Gonzo something important. I said "And I was able to get well because it's my 51st birthday. I'm an old man." Gonzo replied back "I remembered. Happy birthday, O'Malley. I had a gift for you, but I forgot it at home. Let me make it up to you. Tomorrow, I'll come by with it and give you a cake that I made to celebrate. You'll really like it. I made you a Recess cup ice cake." I smiled and said "You didn't have to do that. It's not a big deal." Gonzo refused and said "No, no. I insist because that's what friends do." I snickered and said "Alright, if you insist." Then Gonzo talked to me a few hours and then, had to get home after he was going to the dollar store. It was almost time for his TV show that he was hooked on. We headed home also with our bellies full of good old American food. When we got home, I got a nice birthday under-carriage rub from Natalie. It was a great present and whatever that Gonzo was going to get me, it was going to be even better. I've been enjoying a lot of those belly rubs from Natalie lately and they got better every time. Once I got a belly rub, they appear to come out like a lasagna in every place. I would get a massage under my chin, belly, sides and hood. I started feeling younger, healthier, and stronger. When Jan got up to wash dishes, the TV was ours to watch after she was done watching her Lifetime channel. I didn't mind, I was enjoying my massage from Natalie. She gave me a chin rub after she rubbed my belly. I wished Gladys could have given me massages, but she never did. I was guaranteed Natalie did a better job than anyone.

The very next day in the afternoon, Gonzo came over to 1025 which was where I lived at. He brought me cake and a gift over and he told me happy birthday even though my birthday was last night. We still celebrated it and ate cake. It was even better than the Village Inn restaurant because when it came to cake, Gonzo made the best.  When I opened my gift, it was a fifty dollar gift card to Starbucks. Gonzo wasn't so great at picking gifts but I have been craving Starbucks for a while and since I haven't been to Starbucks in a long time, I was sure to spend it on a latte and a cheese Danish for sure. I smiled and thanked Gonzo. He chuckled delighted and said "Now you can stop by Starbucks and those cheese Danishes and coffee won't be taunting you anymore." I told him "I had a few dreams about hot and doughy pastries like cinnamon rolls, donuts, scones, and Danishes that I wish I could pull right out of my dreams and bask into their sweet gooey sin of freshness. You did a good job of making this recess pie. I tell you what it makes all the cherry pies look shameful." Gonzo thanked me on the compliment and we updated on what we've been doing on each other. Other than me getting sick for almost 2 months, Gonzo's been doing good aside from him getting allergies from the cottonwood trees and getting stuck out in the sun, only to get worse in his condition. It was a good thing I didn't catch allergies coming to think of it while Gonzo talked on and on. I mean, holy flounder-flop, he talked as long as my cousin did.

After that, Gonzo had to head home because it was already 3PM and getting late. He needed to be home for dinner so, he let me have the rest of the cake. Gonzo departed as soon as he pulled out. The next day, I got to celebrate my 51st birthday again with Robin since he always remembered my birthdays. Robin took me out for lunch at DAD'S Diner by the mall. Robin encountered a jukebox, put a quarter in, and played "See you later alligator" by Bill Haley and His Comets which I hadn't heard that song in forever. It was one of my favorite songs. I instantly perked up and hummed along. Just as Robin was headed back to me, he saw me humming along to "See you later alligator" and said "You know, you're 51 years old. You need to loosen up, be cool and release your energy into some of that jive." I looked embarrassed. I haven't danced in a very long time and wasn't sure if I wanted to stand up and dance. I stuttered and said "Robin...I.…...I-I haven't danced in over 20 years. I don't even know if I want to dance in front of all these people." Robin blew raspberry and said "Oh come on. It's your birthday. You only get to be 51 once in your life. It'll be fun." I snickered and was finally into the groove since I loved that song so much, I could listen to it for days. So I got up and said "Okay, only if you dance with me, man. No matter how many people are staring." and Robin agreed. So we danced to the song and even got a kick out of it when the song ended. I had the most fun. Being 51 was great and it was about to get even better. After Dad’s Diner, we went on a little cruise in town. Robin blared the music to "Good Golly, Miss Molly" and we shouted to every classic car that was also out for a drive, parts of the lyrics to Little Richard's song in their faces. We got looks of "What are you talking about" on their eyes and lots of "Whoo hoo!" comments. I was sure having a great time and a great birthday. When the song ended, I was talking to Robin on how much fun I was having and I added "You know Robin, Folks my age should really goof off on special days or on young moments from being 17 years old. This us just...too much!" Robin bursted out laughing and said "I know. It pays for being 51 years old because old folks just want to have fun." Instantly, I thought of an idea and so I told Robin what it was. He laughed and reduced his speed to 10 miles an hour. He and I picked random cars in traffic and cruised by them for a few minutes. Then we would make them fishtail and stop dead in traffic. I sped up to a person with a Farmington High School bumper sticker on his 2008 Nissan Ultama. I got by the driver's side while driving in traffic and waited 20 minutes for the moment at 20 miles an hour and then, made the dude swerve over to the left side and right on the street until his car drove over on a curb. Robin and I bursted out laughing as we left the sucker in the dust. Robin did the same thing as I did. He drove up to a random car in traffic, pulled up, waited for the moment and swerved a little making the car fishtail. We started doing that until we turned down the street to fill up on motor oil. Robin couldn't wipe that smile off his bumper but it would take weeks to wipe the smile away.

The week before Carol came home, I heard some news that Erik had stolen her computer. I couldn't believe it! Stealing! From his own grandmother! It was treacherous.  This happened while I wasn't paying attention and how he broke in, was beyond me. Erik might have crawled through a spare room window and got the key to the computer room when I know it was locked. But I do know that Erik had stolen a lot of items from Joe and Carol before and then some at Wal-Mart. He was quite a bad person for a thief. I had this feeling that no one was going to do a thing about it to get it back. I didn't even hear him come in as I was reading Carol's books and relaxing on Joe's chair. I laid the book page-down to go see what else the little thief took with him. I came to the bookcase in the dining room with the antiques on top of it, and checked in the bowl where the computer key was. The key was still in there and so I grabbed the key to unlock the computer door. I opened the door, and saw the computer was gone. Next, I closed the door, locked it, set the key back into the bowl and thought about Joe's bedroom. I hunted all over the room to find what more Erik stole. I remembered Joe kept a pistol by his bedside for emergencies. It was gone too. I looked for the pistol but couldn't find it. I supposed Erik stole that too but I wasn't sure if it was true. I couldn't prove it because I didn't see it nor video record it. There was nothing I could do, so I went back to the living room and enjoyed the rest of the book. It would be up to Jan now to find out about what happened and believe what she saw. I still couldn’t believe Erik did such a horrible thing from his grandma. It was all because he wanted Nathan to buy him an expensive gaming system after Tiny was sold to a new home when Nathan's mother was a big priority than Erik. He threw a fit for a few days and Nathan still wouldn't buy him anything because Erik was disrespectful. Nathan didn't care and he always took care of things with love. Erik didn't deserve it. When Carol got home from Good Sam's that late September, after my birthday, we started to take care of her to help her live well again. She went downhill after several weeks and it was getting tiresome.  We knew it was time to call an assisted living care when Carol got too needy because She wanted Jan to stay up at her home and help her. Jan had work and couldn't give her the care she needed. Jan looked at several assisted living agencies and searched for their reasonable prices that only Carol could afford. None of them seemed to help Carol with the chores that needed done, although the nurses did help her change diapers and bathe her. It was time to make drastic measures. Jan called Good Sams and had her transferred to Aztec. The first week that Carol was there, the nurses didn't attend to her and took over an hour to get to her. Carol was going downhill fast and all we could do now was keep visiting her.

That Autumn season, I was having a conversation with Natalie. She was worried about something that Nathan was saying to her. I told her "Nathan always does this. He tried to scare me because I wouldn't start for him. He threatened to sell me to a home, but I outsmarted him. He doesn't start acting on what he says he was going to do." I added that Nathan needed to act more mature by following through on things he was asked to do. Natalie sighed and said "Why does he act that way?" I looked down almost ashamed of myself for telling her that Nathan was trying to win in an argument. I told her "Because he wants you to think you've done something wrong so he can win in the conversation." At that moment, I asked myself quietly 'Was that the best advice I could give?' Was it enough to make Natalie satisfied on how Nathan worked? I didn't feel that it was, but Natalie was very satisfied with the input I gave her. So, Natalie went back in the house and said nothing more...not even what I told her.

A while back, Nathan got a dog after Natalie had to surrender her new cat; Velvet that she got from the Durango animal shelter. What I didn't expect, was to get a pit-bull mix. She was pretty with the black and white but she talked a lot with moos. I knew Nathan wouldn't take care of her nor pay attention to her after a while of getting her. I liked Shyla because she had a different personality, she was full of energy and was funny. She didn't deserve to be left out on a chain on summer nights. She needed a good home with a family that had space and a yard. She needed someone who could walk her. Shyla had ran away a few weeks later but came back 30 minutes later. I remembered that Candy had done that a few times but I've never seen a dog that was so athletic that she could outrun a cheetah in Africa. When Shyla returned, she needed a large amount of discipline. She started walking all over Natalie with no boundaries and making sure Natalie was out of energy. But she didn't stop for Natalie to rest, she wanted to play another round of tug-of-war. Shyla would bring the toy to Natalie while she sat down. Instantly, Natalie got Shyla trying to reach up and grab the toy out of Natalie's clutch when she would jerk it higher than Shyla's reach. I watched her do that too-slow game to Shyla just for my entertainment. Then, I would take a turn to play with Shyla and give Natalie a break. The poor girl had been to the gym for 45 minutes and worked out hard on the treadmill. As I was playing with Shyla, I noticed Shyla had quite a grip. It was like trying to play tug-of-war with an alligator because that dog had a strong, tough grip. About 30 minutes later, Shyla gave up and laid down on the couch. I had finally exhausted Shyla in a game of tug-of-war. I had imagined I had more energy than Shyla. I put the toy on the table and had a seat next to Natalie and said "And that's how you exhaust a dog with tons of energy. I told you I could tire her out like that. Natalie gave me this tired but I'm-quietly-proud-of-you look on her face. I chuckled quickly. I had out-powered Shyla good enough.

That evening as we went into town, we stopped at the gas station to get me fed with gasoline. Our next stop was going to be Wal-mart because Jan needed to buy BOOST drinks while she's pn the run for the weekdays. Natalie was talking about treating Nathan to some new shirts to wear for the week. After I ate my gasoline meal, we pulled into the busy parking lot to Wal-mart. I prepared to wait 45 minutes for them to go shopping. I found out I had to wait only 30 minutes because I saw them coming out with a cart of groceries. Natalie and Nathan were loading the groceries into the trunk while Jan was let in to sit down. She was tired. It felt heavy from all those groceries weighing my balls to the ground. But it turned out, it didn't weigh me down. I was able to get it home with no problem. When we got home after Wal-mart, Natalie grabbed about 15 bags of groceries out of the trunk. Nathan told her and kept telling her to bring in 5 bags at a time. She didn't listen and kept bringing in all the groceries she could handle. After bringing in the groceries, I got a few side rubs from Natalie while Nathan tried on his new shirt. It was a black DEADPOOL Shirt that said "I have Issues" which matched Nathan so well. Recently, Nathan bought the movie "Deadpool" from Safeway and he just loved it. I've seen it once and thought it was pretty raunchy for me, but good for one time. There was a part in the movie where it reminded me of Impa and what he would say. Impa has had that personality that Deadpool had in his eyes. He said the same crude things Deadpool used once. Gonzo and I were even shocked that Impa would say such things but all that was 40 years ago. I didn't remember why Impa said that or who it was to. But besides my point, Nathan and Natalie would watch that movie over and over on occasional nights.

That very next day, Nathan was wearing his new Deadpool shirt. Natalie bought him another one that was white too but she didn't know why he wasn't wearing it. I wouldn't get to see the white shirt on him to know how Nathan liked it. Natalie had asked him "Why aren't you wearing your Beavis and Butt-head shirt?" Frankly, Nathan responded to her "It's hard for me to keep whites clean. Every time I wear them, they get stained." I looked at Natalie and remembered the last few white shirts that Nathan had were stained with something impossible to get out. Natalie told him "Well, if you aren't going to wear it, then I might as well wear it myself." Nathan chuckled as if he didn't mind. Natalie enjoyed wearing T-shirts better than those mule-twisted tees that were for sixth graders...not that I've ever seen or had a problem with her wearing them. I liked her in whatever she had in her closet; pants with a large tee, shorts with a t-shirt...whatever she owned.

A few weeks later, I noticed it was almost time for the Brookside park to have its annual car show. I had to look spiffy and clean for the judges to see. Natalie was already getting a hop on it. She vacuumed my interior out and did everything to get me ready. She worked hard to get the dirt out and the ashes that were in my ash tray from when Jan emptied her ciggs. After a few "Ows" and a lot of "Take it easy. you're hurting me" cries, Natalie was done vacuuming the interior.

A day before the car show, Natalie gave me a bath and scrubbed me down with soap herself. I had to say, it was the best bath I ever gotten. She wore shorts that she sewed together out of her old pants and wore a long t-shirt. I got a little excited and said "Now all you need to be wearing is a shorty-short shirt with a bikini bottom and you'll be all set." I chuckled after I just imagined Catherine Bach's body with Natalie's face on it. Natalie gave me a strange but silly eyes and said "Oh sure, yeah right." She was more confidently happy about her figure than most husky girls. Natalie was my kind of girl with that-girl-as-good-as-she-looks personality. It was like a whole new spunk for me.

Natalie was very thorough when she scrubbed. It felt good as she scrubbed my hubcaps and tires hard. It was like getting a finger massage in hot coconut oil. She gave me a better bath than Nathan and it wasn't normal for Nathan to allow other people to wash any of us three cars. I hated the part where I was sprayed down with a high pressure of water. Now as for the washing part, Natalie loved to use a sponge with soap on it. Next time, if I wanted a bath, I wanted Natalie to do it from now on. That night, Sonic was having a classic car party because it was registration night. I got nervous I wasn't going to be able to park next to Robin this year. I remembered there was a time when I didn't get to do that. I've been parked and seated next to strangers that were terrible. I was used to being close to Robin and I didn't do so hot with strangers. In 2015 of summer, I almost had a fight with an Oldsmobile and I didn't want to go through that again.

[bluenet13]

A Magical Holiday Break

I wrote this mainly for my own amusement and almost decided not to post it, but thought someone might enjoy it so I went with it and here we are. This is my third @densi-mber story and exists in the same timeline as the other two, but it can totally be read on its own.

“Baby, we’re not spending New Year’s Eve in Times Square.” Kensi said for what felt like the 100th time, continuing the argument that had started 2 days ago, as soon as they had been informed that NCIS was giving all the OSP team one week off as holiday vacation.

“Come on Princess, what place is more magical to receive the New Year together than Times Square?” Deeks looked at Kensi with his best puppy eyes and charming smile, hoping to convince her so they could start making travel arrangements.

“Shaggy, you just said the key to this whole situation… any place would be magical as long as we’re together… I just want to receive the New Year with you,” the sincerity and love in her words made his heart flutter and not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, he wondered how he had managed to get so lucky as to have this incredible woman in his life.

But, still there was an argument to win and a decision to be made so he couldn’t let his heart control his actions and needed to keep thinking with his head… at least until they were back in their shared bedroom. “I know that Kensalina, but if we can add a magical scene it would only make the moment even more magical and unforgettable.”

“Deeks, when we’re on a case you usually need to pee every 30 minutes… just imagine in the middle of winter… in New York City… and surrounded by 1 million people.” She looked at him from across their dining table, while she continued to eat her pasta. “It’s a recipe for disaster…” She eventually finished after a huge mouthful of her favorite Deeks’ culinary creation and a swig of her beer.

Deeks concentrated on his meal while he thought of a better argument but Kensi had just made a valid point. His face shined and his eyes took on that brightness they got when he was about to say a joke or tease one of his friends, “we can always use an adult diaper…”

Kensi almost chocked on the serving she was currently devouring and glared at her boyfriend while she took another swig to help fully swallow the offending pasta. “I’m not using an adult diaper…” Seeing the still amused looked in his eyes she knew she had to make her point even clearer, “…and neither are you!”

“You’re such a spoilsport Fern…” Kensi could only laugh at his comment and the pout that appeared on his face after her comment.

“Oh, and you’re such a baby Marty… stop with the pouting and act like the grown-up you’re supposed to be.” She kept laughing even as she said the words, enjoying teasing this man she loved so much.

He just glared at her and pouted even more, almost pointing out that he didn’t like to be called Marty, but knowing she had done it to annoy him and not wanting to give her the satisfaction. So he just decided to continue eating his pasta, while silently still thinking of a way to convince her.

-x-x-x-

The next morning started as the previous night ended… With another argument about their upcoming vacations. “Come on Kens, you know this is the best idea, pleeease?”

“Stop giving me your puppy eyes, they won’t make me change my mind…” Even as she said the words, she reached out to push his bangs away from said eyes, staring at them lovingly and getting lost in their blue depth.

“Then what do you say we do? Enjoy our vacation staying in the same LA and house?” He tried sounding indignant, going for a different approach to persuade her.

“We could still travel, just maybe somewhere close by… That way we can still enjoy a bit of free time and holiday celebration with our moms.”

“Yeah Kens, like that’s exactly what I want to do after our successful breakfast the other day, and dinner this past Sunday turned into little Marty picture time…”

“Oh but those pictures were so cute… I still want a copy of the one you’re wearing nothing but a diaper and the fluffy Santa hat,” she hugged him as she said the words in an attempt to show him that it was not a joke but that she really meant it.

“I’m sure mama is gonna get you a copy of it… and probably of the whole album if you asked, sometimes I think she likes you more than me…” He faked hurt as he said it, emphasizing his point by placing his hand dramatically over his heart.

“Well, can you really blame her? I actually make attempts to meet her while you always want to find an excuse… and you pointed a gun at her boyf… Guy… the first time you met him.” Every time the man was mentioned in an intimate capacity with Roberta, Deeks seem to blow a fuse, so she decided to take the save route and address him by name.

“Kens, you weren’t there… You don’t know how walking into that looked to me….” He was tired of speaking about Guy, his mama or anyone else, and he really just wanted a time for themselves, like the one they spent after going all in…

Just then his eyes took that special brightness and cheerfulness she loved so much, making it clear his crazy mind just had a new idea. “I got it! Let’s still go to NY but instead of staying in the city let’s book a cabin in a different town, what do you think?”

It was impossible to tell him no when his eyes were tinkling like that and when such an adorable and innocent smile was present on his face. “Okay baby, I remember reading of this town called Tarrytown, it’s just a short train ride away from Manhattan, so we can still see and enjoy the city but get back to a cozy cabin at night and… I would like to get back to LA for New Year’s.”

Hearing her words he instantly nodded, and with his adorable smile still present on his face, moved to hug her and kiss her sweetly on the lips, lingering there a second longer and breathing in her scent. He really liked the idea of spending New Year’s in New York, but also understood that given the year they just had, it was important to enjoy those days with family and their NCIS teammates and their moms were just that.

After breaking apart he went to their bedroom to pick up his laptop so they could start looking for a place and making reservations. Finding a place so close to the holidays wasn’t going to be easy, but hopefully one away from the city wouldn’t be as hard or expensive to find. After their conversation about Holiday gifts and saving money for their wedding they had almost decided not to go on vacation at all, but they both agreed the escape was needed and that’s when the discussion to pick a location had started.

It took the couple 45 minutes and a couple of new disagreements but they finally booked their flights and a small one-bedroom cabin north of NYC and close to the train station. They decided to travel early in the morning from LA and late at night from NY so they could enjoy as many days in the city without having to use all their vacations days there. Kensi having convinced her boyfriend to leave a day open so they could meet the moms for another Holiday visit and a day to meet the guys as they declined to go with them when they had been invited to join the trip, preferring to stay in LA and enjoy some calm days.

Holiday plans in motion, the young partners just needed to survive a few more days at work and it would be time for their much needed vacation and relaxing days to enjoy the company they both loved and cherished the most.

-x-x-x-

That morning Kensi and Deeks woke up eager to have a quick breakfast and head straight to the airport, bags already finished the night before, and just needing to add some toiletries and pack their laptops. After about 20 minutes of getting ready they left their home ready for their trip, both feeling sad having to leave Monty behind, but glad that Eric and Nell had agreed to come pick up the mutt later that day and take care of him for the duration of their trip.

They got to the airport with plenty of time to spare and with an excuse of going to the restroom Deeks stopped at a donut place to get some treats for his girlfriend to surprise and indulge her on the plane.

The young couple spent the flight snuggled together, laughing and looking at each other as if they were the only other person in the world… And in that moment, they really were. They ate their donuts, and laughed even more when Deeks jokingly smeared a bunch of powdered sugar on Kensi’s forehead, resulting in her covering his nose in strawberry jelly and excitedly screaming that she was flying with Rudolf. For anyone looking from a distance, the young couple might have appeared drunk, but in reality they were only overindulging in love and the peace that these days, away from it all, brought them.

“Come on baby, baggage claim is that way,” Kensi couldn’t help but smile at the pure wonder in Deeks’ voice as he signaled for the way to go. He looked like a kid, and she wondered how many vacations like this he had been able to enjoy during his childhood.

“Slow down Shaggy, I’m coming.” She was practically running behind him as she said the words, struggling to catch up to him and not crash with any of the other ton of people walking around them. New York City was surely a busy place this time of the year.

It took them around 3 hours to finally arrive to their cabin, having to wait for a prior flight before reclaiming their luggage and then awkwardly discovering that all NYC taxi drivers didn’t know how to get to little towns north of the city, so eventually deciding to head over to the train station instead. Kensi had wanted to rent a car but Deeks succeeded in convincing her to just enjoy these days as a tourists and not worry about traffic, parking and the other things that came with driving in the Big Apple.

“Oh wow, this place is awesome… And look at this tub.” Now it was Kensi’s voice the one full of wonder as she took in the sight before her and especially the hot tub located in the back, already thinking of all the things they would do there.

That night the couple decided to stay in their little town, and just left the comfort of the cabin to have some dinner and quickly came back… to escape from the cold, and find warmth in each other. Also finding a lot of help in the fireplace and hot tub that the cabin offered.

-x-x-x-

The next morning came quicker than any of them wanted, and with it started their 3 days for tourism and relaxation before they had to fly back on the fourth.

Combining both of their interests they first decided to head over to Union Square where the Wonder Twins had recommended they checked out their Holiday Market. As soon as they got out of the subway, they were surprised by the enormity of the skyscrapers and the simplicity of the little plaza where the market was located. They shopped a little, buying some homemade treats to eat that night at the cabin and some special handmade souvenirs to take to their teammates and moms back home. They even got one for Mosley, hoping to stay in her good graces and never have her try to, again, send Deeks back to LAPD.

Leaving the market they decided to walk 5th street until the point it reached Central Park, stopping at various places to look at the characteristic Manhattan Attractions. They took pictures of the Empire State, Flatiron Building, Rockefeller Center and many other places in between.

If asked later, both would easily agree their favorite part of the day was the ice rink they found in one of their stops, both instantly transported to another frozen lake 3 years prior. They held each other more closely after that, both remembering the past 7 years of their lives and how a MMA gym, a girl name Tracy and a boy name Jason had changed the course of both their lives forever. And how ultimately passing through another girl named Melissa and then Fern, and a boy named Justin and then Max, they had ended in a couple name Kensi Blye and Marty Deeks… One that would hopefully share the same surname, soon.

They got back to their cabin later that night, tired but content in the success of their day and ready to enjoy another night in each other’s arms.

-x-x-x-

The next 2 days of their trip proceeded in a similar way. They woke up tangled in each other, happy in the comfort and warm the other provided. They showered together, and almost every morning ended up taking longer than expected as said activity involved a lot more than just showering.

The first of those days, they decided to walk Central Park, especially as Deeks wanted to visit Strawberry Fields, the part of the park with the Imagine memorial dedicated to John Lennon. As they were leaving to continue their walk, the young man turned up to look at the sky, and Kensi silently wondered if he had wanted to visit the memorial for his father and if maybe that gesture had been dedicated to him. The rest of the day involved more walking, pictures, laughs, a nice dinner and getting back to their cabin to enjoy another night in the hot tub and then spread in a blanket in front of the fireplace.

The last full day they would be spending in New York passed by quicker than any of the others. They woke up a little later than expected after the previous’ nights activities had lasted more than planned. But still it left them enough time to go to the city. That day they visited the area of Battery Park to look, at least, from distance at the Statue of Liberty, before walking to the 9/11 Memorial and paying their respects to the fallen heroes and civilians of that day.

When time for lunch came, Kensi insisted they took the subway to a special place she wanted to visit. Not totally sure but not wanting to deny his girl anything Deeks agreed and was completely surprised when they reached their destination. It was the original bakery that invented the Cronut and he couldn’t feel more love for his girlfriend than he felt at that moment. His mind, instead of being invaded by darkness and memories of past nightmares, was full of the love and admiration he felt for Kensi, also the pride he felt for himself as he had managed to, for the most part, leave those demons behind.

They went into the bakery hand-in-hand, and Deeks’ disappointment at learning the Cronuts usually were all sold out before noon, quickly evaporated as he learned that Kensi had called the day they booked the trip to reserve a half-dozen for them; using her NCIS influence to make it happen. He hugged her and whispered in her hear a quick thank you, along with sweet promises of things to come later that night.

Cronuts in hand and hearts full, the couple left the bakery to get back to the train station so they could make their way back to their town. They enjoyed a nice dinner together and eventually ended up like all previous nights, just this time, enjoying some cronuts along with the heat of the fireplace and each other.

-x-x-x-

On the last day of their trip, they decided to stay in the town and walk a bit down Main Street instead of going back to Manhattan and risk losing their flight later that night.

The walk lasted less than expected as both man and woman wanted to get back to the cabin as soon as possible to enjoy some last moments in their favorite hut tub and in each other’s arms. They whispered sweet nothings, promises of better times and reassurances of love as they soaked their joined bodies in the hot water, letting the action melt all their fears, doubts, and old nightmares away.

For them, this trip signaled more than just a vacation but it was really a matter of leaving the last year behind. Not only what had happened to them, but also to Sam, Owen, and to their family as a whole. They had needed the days to finally breathe and enjoy the mere fact that they were still alive and, more importantly, together. Eventually, they would have to go back to the realities and uncertainties of their lives and jobs but at least these few days had given them a little respite from all that.

They got to the airport feeling fresh and recharged, as always happy to be with each other, but also eager to get back to the rest of their family and hoping for a perfect New Year along with them, and hopefully an even better 2018, given all they had lost in 2017… 

[purrincess-chat]

The Girl Under the Mask CH6

This chapter is old, but I never shared it here with you guys! So here it is!

FF | AO3

“Yes! Good! Now give me that dreamy pout! Bravo,” The photographer cheered between snaps of his camera.

Adrien posed according to each instruction, such love-struck looks coming naturally to him in those days. All he had to do was think of his lady and that soft smile spread across his lips. He looked forward to his evenings when she came around, and as such, he found himself willing time to pass faster.

“Excellent, my boy! You know what it is like to be in love, no doubt,” He gave Adrien a knowing look that brought a flush to his cheeks.

“Uh, no-not really,” He said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“She is a lucky girl. I wish you all the luck, my friend. What am I saying? A face like yours needs no luck.”

Adrien smiled politely before Nathalie motioned him onward. He had a piano lesson to get to.

One good thing about living a busy life was that days passed quickly, and before he knew it, evening arrived at last. He scarfed down his dinner and excused himself to his room. Only two more hours until Ladybug would come by again.

Would tonight be the night he finally confessed how he felt? Would she feel the same way? His hands felt clammy just thinking about it, but he got so lost in her eyes and those lips tempted him with all kinds of wild thoughts.

He just wanted to be something to her. Someone she came to when she felt sad. Someone she could lean on, and he’d hold her and kiss her hair. He wanted her to trust him with things she didn’t tell anyone else and to be close to him in ways she wasn’t with anyone else.

“Adrien?” He blinked open his eyes and saw her standing timidly a few feet from him. He must have dozed off.

“Hey! Sorry, I had a long day,” He said, rubbing his eyes.

“I-I’m a little early, but I wanted to bring you this while it was still fresh.” She presented him with a small, unmarked pastry box. Curiously, Adrien flipped open the lid to find a cookie with the words ‘Good luck, Adrien!’ inscribed in frosting.

“You have a fencing tournament tomorrow, right?” She said, and he looked up into her cheerful smile. “I wanted to wish you luck.”

“Wow. Thank you, Ladybug,” He gaped before flashing her a warm smile and placing his hands over hers on the box. “That really means a lot.”

She watched eagerly as he retrieved his treat and took a hearty bite. The cookie was soft, and Adrien noticed, still a little warm.

“Did you bake this yourself?” He asked, cocking a brow. “It’s really good.”

“I grew up baking, and I wanted to make something for you…You’re really sweet, just like a cookie.” Adrien choked at that, face burning as he clutched his chest and hacked unattractively. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” He wheezed, and she patted his back.

“Sorry! I shouldn’t have said that…It was lame. Let me get you some water!” Before he could stop her, she rushed into his bathroom to retrieve a glass for him.

Ladybug called him sweet.

“Here you go.” She reappeared a moment later and helped him take a sip. “I didn’t mean for it to almost kill you.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” He laughed. “And, I think you’re sweet too.”

She blushed at that, seemingly pleased by that response.

“So, you bake a lot, huh?”

“Oh…yeah! Ever since I was little. My dad taught me. I only bake for people on special occasions though, so consider yourself lucky.” She flicked his nose playfully then seemed to realize the boldness of her actions and clasped her hands together in front of herself awkwardly.

“My mom used to make cakes every Christmas. It was the only thing she knew how to bake, and they weren’t very good; our chef makes them way better, but she always insisted every year, and every year we ate them because it made her happy.” He recounted with a distant smile, a sad smile. “It’s strange, but I really miss those cakes.”

“Do you know what happened to your mom?” She asked carefully, and Adrien fixed his gaze back on her.

“No.” He shook his head, and she frowned sympathetically. “I miss her, but…it’s okay. I know wherever she is, she wouldn’t want me to worry, so I try to smile every day, for her.”

“You’re strong, Adrien.” He searched her gaze, fixated on him for a moment before she pulled him in for a hug.

“Having good friends makes it easier,” He murmured against her shoulder, soaking in the softness of her body against his and squeezing her a little tighter. “Having you here makes it easier.”

She pulled back but kept her hands on his shoulders, that cheerfulness he adored returning to her face. “Why don’t we go bake a cake? One like your mom used to make.”

“I don’t know how…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She never wrote down the recipe. It was her secret.”

“I’ll help you.” She insisted, those bright blue eyes full of warmth and the kindness he loved.

“Okay.”

Fortunately, the kitchen staff had gone home for the day, allowing them to sneak down without being discovered. Once safely inside the kitchen, Ladybug retrieved an apron from the rack and fastened it around her waist.

“First we need flour,” She said, glancing around.

“Uh,” Adrien opened the cabinet next to him only to find it filled with pots.

“You don’t know where the flour is?” She cocked an amused brow.

“I don’t usually come in here,” He admitted sheepishly.

“Okay. Then step one is find the flour.”

They went on like that for a while, some of their playfulness coming out again. He watched her measure out the flour and sugar contently until she caught him staring.

“What?” She asked, pausing her stirring.

“Nothing.” He shook his head, cheeks turning a rosy pink.

“What?” She asked more emphatically, placing a hand on her hip.

“Nothing! You’re just cute, that’s all.” She startled at that and dropped the spoon in the batter.

“Y-You really think so?” She laughed nervously, fishing it out carefully.

“Absolutely, clumsy girl,” He said with a wink, and she pursed her lips, eyes narrowing into a playful glare.

“Don’t mock me, pretty boy, or I’ll sneak garlic into this cake,” She pointed the wooden spoon at him threateningly.

“Why would you ruin perfectly good cake? What did it ever do to you?” He scolded.

“You’re right, I should punish you.” She whipped the spoon out of the bowl and swiped it across his cheek.

“Hey!” He yelped as she cupped a hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles. “Oh, it’s on, Ladybug.”

“No, no-hey! You started it,” She pleaded between laughs as he scooped up a couple fingers full of batter and attempted to smear it across her face. She half-heartedly slapped him away, but ultimately accepted his retaliation.

“Now who’s wasting cake?” She shot back, bowing up to him.

“Still you, clumsy,” He said, licking his fingers. “So, are we gonna bake this sometime this century- or?”

“You can’t rush a baker, Adrien,” She huffed, resuming her post.

“Are you bakerbug now? Is your weapon of choice a donut?”

“A macaron, actually. I fly around and deliver baked goods to children until they get cavities,” She said with a mischievous smirk while she prepped the cake pans.

“She’s a villain!” He gasped dramatically.

“The best kind.” She winked. “Help me pour.”

Adrien did as instructed, placing his hands over hers to steady them while they filled the cake pans. He couldn’t help himself being so close to her, so he laced their fingers together and leaned his cheek against hers, which she didn’t seem to mind. Once they finished, their hands remained on the bowl, and Ladybug looked up at him, her soft lips only inches from his own.

“Now what?” He breathed.

“Now we bake them.”

“And then?” He cocked a brow.

“And then…” She bit her lip, gaze flicking down to his, and he tilted his head to the side, leaning in closer. He felt her breath hitch as he touched his nose to hers, and for a moment, he thought she’d close the gap, but she pulled away with a coy smile.

“Then we do dishes,” She said, setting the bowl aside, and Adrien let out a breathy laugh.

“Aye, aye, bakerbug.” He saluted while she placed the pans in the oven.

He moved the dirty bowl to the industrial sink and flicked on the water. It occurred to him that he’d never actually done the dishes before, but he supposed it couldn’t be that hard. Ladybug wiped up the counter while he scrubbed, and he stifled a laugh at the sight of Paris’s beloved heroine cleaning his kitchen. It seemed so ordinary and mundane as if they were an old married couple. His cheeks flushed at the thought, and he pictured what it would be like to spend every day with the woman he loved right beside him.

“Have you never washed a bowl before?” He blinked out of his daydream to see Ladybug standing next to him.

“Uh.” He glanced down at it. “Not really.”

“Here, let me.” She bumped him out of the way with her hip, taking over the washing while he continued his fantasy.

“You’re really good at this stuff,” He remarked once she finished.

“Well, not all of us have kitchen staff. If we don’t clean then the house will be a mess,” She retorted while she dried her hands then flashed him a playful smile. “Some of us have to lift a finger if we want something done.”

“Are you implying that I’m spoiled?” He folded his arms over his chest in offence.

“No, I’m explicitly saying it,” She chuckled, and he puffed his cheeks out grumpily. “I didn’t say spoiled rotten.”

“I didn’t ask for this life,” He said, rubbing the back of his neck, and Ladybug sobered. “Sometimes I wish I was normal like everyone else. Being a celebrity is pretty…isolating. Sure, everyone admires you, and you get a lot of attention, but somedays, I just want to blend into the crowd, ya know?”

“I guess I’m the spoiled one in that regard. I can turn off my fame if I want to.” She stared down at her gloved hands somberly. “I know it’s not much, but if you want, you don’t have to be Adrien Agreste, famous teen model when you’re with me. You can just be Adrien, boy who likes anime and wastes cake.”

They exchanged warm smiles, and he couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and pecked her cheek softly, heart fluttering in his chest when his lips made contact with her skin.

“Thanks, Ladybug.”

She touched the spot with a shy smile, cheeks as scarlet as her mask before she turned back to the counter and cleared her throat. “So, shall we get started on the frosting?”

This time she let him do most of the mixing, but he insisted that she do the decorating once the cake layers had cooled off. He watched her work with fascination and, he had to admit, admiration. She seemed so at ease in that kitchen, piping frosting onto their cake, and he wished he could bask in it all night, but soon enough she set the frosting bag down and turned to him with a smile.

“Ta-da,” She giggled.

“Hmm, I don’t think it’s quite right,” He said, tapping his chin. “Yours is way nicer looking than hers were.”

“Sorry, I’m kind of a perfectionist.” She winced, then dug through drawers for a knife. “Let’s see how it tastes.”

Adrien fetched a plate and forks while she sliced a perfect piece, and he passed her a fork. Her cake was far superior to anything his mom had ever baked, but it gave him that same warm feeling. It was the nicest gesture anyone had ever extended him, and he wasn’t surprised that it came from the most extraordinary woman on the planet.

“How is it?”

He blinked back to reality and smiled. “Perfect.”

She beamed proudly, and Adrien felt himself falling for a much different Ladybug in that moment. His lady was many things, powerful, brave, clever, and above all else, kind, supportive, and caring. Every night she visited to keep him from being alone, and that night she’d baked him a cake because he missed his mother. He felt closer to her than he ever had as Chat Noir, and something in his gut tightened, prompting him to speak those three small words that put a name to his feelings.

“I-”

“It’s getting late,” She said, glancing at the clock on the wall. “I should go home.”

“R-Right, yeah,” He gulped, cheeks burning as he led the way back to his room.

“See you tomorrow?” She paused by his window sill and glanced back at him hopefully.

“I’ll be here,” He affirmed, and she flashed him one of those radiant smiles.

“Good night, Adrien, and good luck tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” In one swift motion, she tossed her yoyo and shot off into the night, leaving Adrien alone once again.

Out of all the evenings they had spent together, that one felt the most surreal, and Adrien kept expecting to wake up at any moment. Because this was the exact life he wanted, just the two of them cooking together, talking, laughing. No fronts, no walls, just the two of them being unapologetically themselves. Of course, his fantasy also included knowing who she really was and maybe a kid or five, but to him, this felt like the start, and he vowed that he would tell her his feelings soon enough.

[writingwithcolor]

American Jew (PoC Profile -Religion)

I am not an immigrant or child of an immigrant; my great-great-grandparents are the ones who brought my family to America, but I thought it would be interesting to see how my cultural experience compares to those who are immigrants or immigrant children.

Beauty Standards

Of course, there is the typical stereotype that Jewish people have big noses. I’ve heard people comment that someone doesn’t “look Jewish” because their nose isn’t as prominent. Just because someone doesn’t fit the stereotype doesn’t mean their identification is any less true or important. 

Food

Food tends to be a big part of Jewish culture. I don’t know if this is true for others, but in my family we have a joke that goes: “They tried to kill us, we won, we ate”. This is pretty much used to sum up every Jewish holiday because the holidays tend to revolve around the Jewish people overcoming an obstacle or celebrating a victory. Some of my personal favorite foods from my culture are latkes, sufganyot (jelly donuts), matzah ball soup, and falafel. On the holidays, my extended family gathers and provides a feast. Some of my childhood memories are of my mom making homemade latkes and my dad and I eating all of them before anyone else could get to them. I also have memories of my great-aunt spooning me bowls of matzah ball soup to hand out to family and of my grandma bringing us lots of kosher for passover foods.

History

There’s not much to tell since my family is very Americanized. No one in my family is a immigrant or immigrant child, so there are no stories of that kind to tell. My mother will tell the story though of how when she went to college, some of her roommates had never seen any Jews and thought she’d have horns, because that’s how they were raised. My grandma and grandpa were both born in 1938, so they have vague memories of the Holocaust. 

Holidays

In my family, we don’t celebrate any of the minor holidays. We only celebrate holidays such as Passover, Chanukah, Rosh Hashanah, etcetera. On the holidays, most of my extended family gathers at my family’s house. Together we provide a feast of foods like brisket, meatballs, potatoes, latkes, and more. We all chat and tell stories and eat a lot of food. Our families don’t go to temple all together, as most of my family lives out of state and doesn’t belong to our synagogue. I remember enjoying services when I was younger because my parents would allow me to bring books to read because we attended the adult service, and not the kid service. I remember dreading services after my parents stopped letting me bring books because in my mind, they were very boring and dragged on forever. Now, I get a little bored, but my rabbi tells interesting stories and makes a few jokes to keep us entertained.

Home/Family life/Friendships

Being Jewish hasn’t really affected any of my relationships. All of my extended family is at least ½-Jewish, so they all understand at least some of the culture and traditions. My town has a high Jewish population, so I’ve never felt out of place because of my religion. My middle schools were dotted with bar and bat mitzvahs, which got repetitive after awhile, but it was still nice to see my non-Jewish friends participating in prayers and songs. 

Language

Growing up, my parents sent my brothers and I to Hebrew School at our temple. My town has two main temples, so our classes were pretty small. I’m sad to say that while I do know the Hebrew Alphabet and can read fairly fluently, I don’t know the meaning of the words. My Hebrew School also didn’t teach us to read without vowels (most Hebrew is written without them), so when my family traveled to Israel we had difficulty reading signs and directions.

Microaggressions

It annoys me when people assume I’m Kosher just because I’m Jewish. It also generally annoys me when people mock my traditions or are just plain ignorant about them. Just because they don’t know about my religion doesn’t give them the right to make fun of it. Ignorance is not an excuse.

This was actually more than a micro-aggression to me, but an acquaintance and I were having a friendly insult battle, and they referred to me as a “terrorist” just because my ancestors are from the Middle East. At the time, I laughed it off, because though it’s a terrible thing to say I know my friend didn’t know what she was implying (which of course doesn’t make it right). But months later, I still find myself thinking about that comment. I don’t make fun of my friend for her Albanian and Greek culture, and yet she referred me to in such a negative way without even realizing the magnitude of what she was saying. 

Things I’d like to see less of

I’d like to see less of people caring about others’ religions. This doesn’t mean you should be ignorant about them, but I hate seeing religion cause rifts between people. Just because people believe something else than you doesn’t mean they’re wrong. 

Things I’d like to see more of

I’d like to see more people having awareness/knowledge about other people’s religions. Most people only know about their own religion and don’t know anything about other religions. I’d also like to see more of schools discussing the Holocaust and other major events that revolve around religion. I don’t know if this is true for other schools, but in my school we never talked about the Holocaust. Most of my friends only know that it was something involving the deaths of many Jews and it was caused by Hitler, but that’s all they know. They don’t know about the atrocities committed or the lingering affects; the Diary of Anne Frank and all of the people who were killed just because of their belief.

Tropes/Stereotypes I’m tired of seeing.

I’m tired of people picturing Jews and only envisioning Orthodox Jews. People think Jew, and they picture a man wearing a tallis and a yamaka/kippah who keeps Kosher and has a prominent nose. Everyone assumes that we all are this religious when whether or not you celebrate the Sabbath and wear religious clothing doesn’t determine your Jewishness. I’m tired of Israel being just thought of as a conflict zone, when if you go there you’ll discover an amazing, rich culture and history. I’m tired of people being ignorant of our struggles and conflicts throughout history

–

Read more POC Profiles here or submit your own.

[ikonislife]

Always Mine.

- Hanbin x Reader (ft. Monsta X’s Shownu)

- Requested part 3 to Just Go and Please Stay 

- Angst, fluff 

-This is it folks, the last installment of this monstrosity. It only took me 7 months to finish (sorry guys, I lost inspiration for it somewhere in the middle) I’m glad to be able to finish it. Even though it’s not one of the more popular posts I have, I’ve invested a lot of time into the trilogy so I sincerely hope you all enjoy at least some part of this insane journey. Thank you for reading. As always, feedbacks are welcome.

- Despite being the one to initiate the break up, Hanbin finds himself lost without you. All the while, the return of your past life poses an imminent threat that Hanbin knows all too well might be the end of you and him forever.

Endless streams of clouds floating pass the small window of the private jet fast steading, tearing through the golden rosy sunset sky. Leaning back into the white leather seat, Hanbin nurses the second glass of whatever the hell it was he had grabbed out of the bar in the blur between boarding and stumbling to his seat. He couldn’t really care about anything but you at this moment what’s with the strange cryogenic state your relationship is in as you laid silently in the hospital alone. Whatever could take his throbbing mind off the obvious state of the stale relationship he had ruined will works, nothing seems to matter to him anymore. Watching the amber liquid swirling around the crystal clear pieces of ice, condensation rolling down the crystal glass, old memories flood his senses much more bitter than the taste of poison on his tongue. Against better judgement of the throbbing headache that screams for him to take rest, he let himself drown in the ghost of your memories.

It wasn’t too long after he was abled to call you girlfriend that you had gotten a big promotion at work. To commemorate the occasion and a small reward for your hard work, he took you on a surprise weekend getaway on his jet. The wonder filling your eyes, the cute random questions you’d ask, your curiosity, all if it delighted his excited heart.

“Wait babe, you mean all this time you took business trip, it’s this plane?” You stared around in awe of every tiniest details. Sure you had been in first class on trips with your own company so a bar on the plane isn’t anything new. However, he got a freaking chandelier, a damn chandelier in the stupid plane. If that doesn’t scream extravagant, you were sure you didn’t know what would. 

Your amazement found itself landing on the large leather couch, white just as the rest of the interior and no doubt as heavenly as the one in the living room of his more than spacious house. Hanbin had teasingly winked, whispering sultrily, hot breath fanning the shell of your ear, something about mile-high club and bed when you had stumbled pass it earlier while boarding. Too wrapped up in your own amazement of the overwhelming sight, you hadn’t paid much attention to his words until now. A giant burst of heat and steam erupted on your face the second your brain clicked onto what he had meant, your face redden, way worse than the reddening sky outside.

“Hmm, what’s wrong? I thought you knew?” He peered down at your half amused half impressed expression with just a hint of embarrassment. He caught your pouty lips in his, moulding them perfectly against each other.

“I don’t know.” You giggled hard at the slender fingers prodding at your side. “The thought you of waiting so so “patiently” in line through security, then to get on the plane, then through custom is kind of funny.” Your little air quote gesture pulled a hearty laugh from Hanbin, his eyes lighted up in delight just as it always did from your random little antic. “Now I know why you never minded long trips. You practically brought the comfort of home along with you.”

“Why? cause you think I can’t be patient? I’m offended.” His brows furrowed, his lips pursed in feigned anger but his eyes gave it all away - way too cute to be angry.

“Hey, you say that. Not me. Come on, babe. You were like fuming the other night when we had to wait in line for those donuts you called stupid then ate half the box in one sitting.” 

“Because it IS just some stupid donut. Why do I have to wait in line for that? I could have my chef makes better one for y-” His voice trailed off, expression immediately ceased up at your smugly smirk. Suddenly his words failed him as he scratched his head awkwardly, eyes stared longingly out the passing clouds avoiding your victorious giggle.

“Mmhmm… patient huh?” You flushed your body tight against his, fingers intertwining, seeking for warmth and security. Glancing back at the couch once again, you were sudden very aware of his every movement, from the way he’s rubbing up and down your arms to the soft breath steaming up the skin of your neck. Heat rushing, this burning all over your body as you struggled to keep the stableness in your lungs. “Hanbin, uh… you weren’t serious about the couch being a bed right?” You questioned, trying your best to keep your heart steady although you had an idea he knew you were far from calm from the way he stole that smirk right off your face. No doubts by now he had already felt the erratic drumming of your heart. The devilish mark of his playful side returned, replacing the puppy eyes and pouty lips as he knew once again, he was in full control.

“You’ll see…” He whispered simply before hoisting you up toward the piece of furniture in question. “Just to clarify, I can’t always have comfort of home at my disposal because this cute girl I call girlfriend always refuses to go on business trips with me.”

Everything was adorable in his eyes. You spent most of the rest of the flight staring out the window while snuggling up to his chest, forgotten completely about the objection of him wasting so much money celebrating something as lame as a promotion. You had always felt pale in comparison to your multimillionaire talented CEO boyfriend. What is a measly promotion in contrast with him holding a whole thriving empire under the tips of his fingers. What you didn’t know was his chest swell in pride for being able to love someone so determined, so hard working. Every little achievement, every tiny accomplishment would be a big deal in his eyes and he loves boasting about you any chance he gets.

Something about recalling the past had put a grumble in his stomach, Hanbin stands up stretching his legs before moving toward the small bar hoping for food. A slight upward curve of the lips still prominent on the worn out face sensing the sudden lift in the heaviness of the atmosphere from the sheer remembrance of you alone. He can’t wait to be back next to your side, to hold your hand, to recharge himself. Ultimately, he just wants to be there to ensure your safety once you’re awaken.

Bracing from the unexpected turbulent induced jerk, he sends paperwork that had been resting so peacefully on the small table flying through the air. A strange white envelope that resembles nothing of what could be work related catches his eyes as it lands with a force beyond impact of mere paper. His brows furrow in utter befuddlement before raising high from the way his eyes lit up in anticipation. Lily had given it to him before the trip along with a cryptic message bout urgent matter of the heart. Could it be that after all this time, you finally decided to break down his wall with the full force of your heart… He could only hope whatever lies in the carefully seal paper pouch would set his soul free. He had been waiting far too long for your frustration to settle and setting your feisty self ablaze, bursting into his office demanding a face to face. He knew it wasn’t a possibility but a boy could dream. 

His fingers hesitate, a soft smile blooming as he soak in the bends and curves spelling out his name. He wouldn’t mistake it anywhere. He spent hours obsessing over how neat your writing was compare to his. You had complained for the umpteenth time about the chicken scratch he actually expect his subordinate to decipher when he, out of frustration, challenged you to do better. Sitting back down, food pushed to the back of his mind, mess of paper neglected, his finger nimbly tear open the envelope with great care. 

“My dear Hanbin, I hope you’ve been well in my absent. You’ve always work way too hard and never bother with taking time for yourself. It worries me a great deal that I swear I lost 5 years off my lifespan. Now that I can no longer pester you to eat, promise me you’ll eat on time (and not junk food. You have personcal chefs, please put them to work). Please, find it in your heart to sleep once in awhile. I know, I know, the great vampire Hanbin knows no sleep but just try. It’s fun! Since I am no longer cluttering up all your time, it should free up a whole lotta time for these mundane activities that God-Hanbin deemed unworthy. You know, you have to assimilate to us normal folks at some point, don’t just sit in your great office all lonely. Eating, sleeping, going to yearly check up, have some fun, watch a movie, go shopping, meeting friends, hit up the club sometimes, all these things might seem small but they go a long way. Don’t worry, you look way too ethereal to be of this world, people will still know you’re heaven sent even if you do the things us normal folks do. Take a rest, the sun will rise and the world will still spin round tomorrow. Promise me you’ll do all of that so my heart can rest easy.”

Always with the praising and the subtle sarcasm, he chuckles at your seemingly delightful word despite nearly losing yourself pinning after someone as worthless as he is. Within the highs of laughter induced by your joke, a hidden sadness lurks in the shadows of the twists and turns of your written thoughts. It was almost as though you were writing final, farewell words. Words that will neatly wrap up the greatest chapter in his life, put a bow on the last bit of lingering hope in both yours and his eyes.

“I guess next comes the hard part now that the jokes are out of the way. I want to apologize for intruding back into your life when you had made it clear I was no longer welcome. You must understand, I was desperate to know of your wellbeing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you’re hurting. It’s been a hell of a couple years with you in my life. I’m undeniably happier when you’re near and I hope you know that. You shined light in the darkest corner of my life, in ways I didn’t think was possible. You know, when I met you, not in a million year would I have thought you’d honor me by letting me share your life in such an intimate way. I would’ve choose to be with you million times over even if every single time I’d end up in heartbreaks. Don’t be sad, please. I know you wouldn’t hurt me if it wasn’t necessary because you’re a man of reason. Is it safe to say that you were at least in love with me when you made this decision? I also know you like to blame yourself for everything, even if it’s inevitable. I’m fine, love. I understand. Don’t blame yourself, don’t wallow in guilt, alright?”

The tear he had thought dried up from so many nights sulking in his own self loathe  burst out like a stream, soaking his Sahara liked soul, begins to meander its way down his pale cold skin stinging every bit, every cell. He couldn’t find the strength to continue but he must. He misses you too much to part way with the thought you had so wonderfully written down for him. He will adore this the way he had everything else you’ve done even if it’s excruciatingly painful. Maybe, just maybe somewhere in the heartfelt lines, you’ll help him move on too.

“You’ve inspired me to smile at adversities and face my problems head on. I used to take your wise words for granted but now that I can no longer confide in your vast wisdom, I suddenly find myself lost? I don’t know how I’ll make it through hardship without your encouragement and advices but perseverance is key right? 

Thank to you, I’m a better person. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you for one of the best chapter of my life. Thank you for letting me share a piece of history with someone as wonderful as you are. Thank you for loving me. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve said and all the things I should’ve said but didn’t. I wish you all the happiness in the world, happiness I couldn’t give you. I’m elated to see that you’ve found someone to entrust with your love once again. I must say she’s very exquisite. I hope she can make you feel like the only man in the world. I promise I’ll leave now so you can rebuild your life. Don’t worry about me. Hyunwoo had been taking excellent care of me and I thank you for bringing him back into my life. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Please, tell your parents I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye to them in person. I love them so much and thank you for allowing me to be part of the family even if it’s just for a little while. Tell your sister I’m sorry I can’t take her to Disneyland for her birthday. I’m sure you and your lady will be able to take care of that.

I won’t lie to you and say I’m not having a rough time. How could I not parting way from my heaven sent best friend and my everything. I will miss you so much. 

Please allow me to say this one last time. My wonderful Hanbin, I love you. I will always love you. I hope we can meet as friends as we once were in the future.”

Leaning back onto the chair that barely seems to be able to support his sadness, Hanbin sighs dejectedly, a bitter chuckle breaches the corner of his lips. You were back with Hyunwoo after all. All his fear had been realized.

He lost you.

A sudden anger arises at the mention of your new love, or rather true love. Where the hell was he that you’ve been suffering all this time, all alone. He was supposed to make sure you’re safe. He was supposed to make sure you’re happy. All the days Hanbin spent by your side in the hospital, not once did Hyunwoo show up. Rage flashes, spreading like a brush fire in dry season, Hanbin slam his fist onto the small table before tearing away for another drink, already going against your words of taking care of himself.

It had been a mere 12 hours since Hanbin arrived to his destination but the anxiety of being separate from you already begin to surface, itching and aching through every inch of his body. It itches but when he reached out to scratch it dissipates, radiating out like an internal burn. It was nowhere but everywhere at once. There was no particular source of it he could sooth, no visible marks, just intense discomfort all throughout. Perhaps this grief with Hyunwoo for not taking care of his girl, Hanbin’s girl, properly pushes him just a little bit further over the edge than usual.

Deals signed in record time, even his own assistants couldn’t believe the aggressiveness of thousand lions pouring out from their own boss.  He has no time to waste, no mind left to spare to entertain the pompous old man sitting across the table from him, all he wants now is to return home to the quietness of your hospital room, to the little niche he had made with you even if the imminent date of your awakening looms ahead like a great storm. He even finds himself missing the vexing beeps of your heart monitor. if he’s really honest, he had found solace in once again be able to listen to your heartbeat even if it wasn’t by pressing his face close to your chest while reveling in the pleasure of your soft hand carding through his jet black hair. 

Waiting impatiently in the rooftop cafe of his hotel, his foot taps to some random rhythm that seems to take the surface layer of the aching that resulted from missing you away, just a surface scratch. He gazes upon the spotless black sky dirtied with the city light, wishing hard to turn back time to that summer night spent making love to you under the stars. 

Oh what a summer that was. You had allowed him to take you to the furthest corner of your comfort zone, entrusting him wholeheartedly in all the crazy ventures he suggested even barely a few months into your young bud of a relationship. You both pushed your own limits to extents neither of you had before, physically and emotionally. You let him depended on your comforting embrace and cuddles like an abandoned puppy finally finding a permanent home to rest his weary mind, chipped away by a world he never truly belonged in. In return, he helps you get lost through his low grunts and your own moans of highs that only Hanbin could provide. He sighs out in satisfaction as his senses recall the ways you let him touched you, hold you. Ways that let him know you had given yourself fully to him, obeying his every word, drinking in every pass of his fingers. 

Perhaps the most memorable of all would be the hours laid under the bursting galaxy above that was so magnificent without getting stained by the city’s lights, bodies sticky with sweat, mind drunk amongst the depth of your post coital chat. Neither of you really minded that just bellow the thin cover, both your bodies were dirtied in the best way possible as he held you close to his chest. You spilled your heart and soul to which he reciprocated with everything he got, every secret he held, even the most intimate that had never taken a breath before that night. With each graze of your index along his soft skin, he felt himself sink further into this reality where only you and him exist. The money, being CEO, the pain of the past, none of those things matter when in this moment he had you safely by his side. 

God how he wishes to be able to call out to you just one more time. He just wants to hear the delight in your voice when you answer, the sparks in your eyes, the way your lips curve up without you even needing to command them to at his utterance of a simple “baby”. It’s such a simple wish. He’s not asking to be immortal or to be forever rich, he’s only asking for his baby girl back. Why couldn’t the universe just grant him this one simple wish. What good is all of his money and power for if he can’t even keep you safe and by his side. 

Just then, anguish in all the empty wishing upon millions of stars, he suddenly found another emotion coursing through his vein. An emotion so primal that perhaps he could argue it was born when man was created - anger.  Out of the corner of his eyes appear the source of all his unpleasantness, like a predator, with a growl, he pounces on his prey.

“Hanbin, What the fuc-”

Before the tall boy could say anything, Hanbin already had him by the collar. Dragging Hyunwoo toward the staircases, Hanbin ignores the fact that Hyunwoo has several inches over himself, that his body packing way more muscles, that if he really wanted to, Hyunwoo could put him down with one punch. He left behind a young woman, very pretty Hanbin had to admit, although nowhere near your beauty. Panic stricken on her previously content features, dainty hand covering her mouth in pure shock. Her other hand grasping onto Hyunwoo desperately, lips whispering his name like a prayer. With all his might, Hyunwoo yanks away pressing a soft kiss onto the sun kissed skin of her cheek before grinning as if to let her know it was okay. She nods in return, eyes near tearing at this point but she stepped back, letting go of the needy grasp on his arm. Hyunwoo once again let Hanbin drags him off to a secluded corner before feeling himself being slam against the wall.

“She’s dying in the hospital yet you’re oversea, flirting with some girl. I thought you were better than this Hyunwoo.” He rages, wishing he could pummel the shit out of the cheater. He gave up his whole life, whole world so you and Hyunwoo could have another shot at happiness. Yet here the bastard was, smiling, arm in arm with someone else. He wonders if the girl even knew the man she’s so affectionately snuggling up to has a girlfriend, immobile all alone in the hospital bed. Or maybe she just doesn’t care.

“What in the world are you saying, Hanbin. I don’t understand.” Baffles, all Hyunwoo could do is stammers in confusion. If it wasn’t for the hand he has against Hanbin’s chest pushing him away, Hyunwoo was sure he’d soon pass out from the constricting hands Hanbin has on the collar of his shirt.

“Don’t play dumb, asshole. I didn’t break up with her so you can treat her like shit. How could you hurt her like that.” Hanbin seethes at Hyunwoo’s apparent ignorant. No longer were blood coursing through his veins but rather boiling hot magma. Hanbin could feel every inch of his body going numb from the heat of rage and no one can stop him now.  

“HANBIN. how dare you.” Hyunwoo snarls back at the ridiculous accusation. He had remained un-bias up till this point. He could understand why Hanbin decided on such stupidity. It’s action of a fool so deep in love he has gone borderline irrational. The hidden rage was well masked by an unsettling calmness he didn’t even think he could keep up with.  After all, how could he not feel the slightest tinge of fury when he practically watched his best friend break down, reduced to a mere shell without a soul by an idiot that claimed to love her.

“I could ask you the same thing. You broke her heart and left her on the side of the road like yesterday news. I was there for her the past two months. Where the hell were you?” a strong prod from Hyunwoo’s finger found itself onto Hanbin’s chest, no doubt marking it with all the bitterness Hyunwoo felt watching you cried. “You think you’re a saint now that you “sacrifice” your relationship? Please, give me a break. I’m starting to think I made a mistake telling her to fight for you.” Hyunwoo shoves the angry man in front of him off , not even realizing how much strength he was exerting out of pure discomfort from having heard such preposterous things being said about himself. Nothing could make your usually calm and collect teddy bear happier now than landing a fist right across Hanbin’s face but he knew you wouldn’t like it so two months worth of pent up frustration went onto the wall behind Hanbin’s head instead. He had been siding with Hanbin for so long that he forgotten about the first reaction, the first emotion he had seeing you slumped over on your front door step that night. Pure white hot rage. “You shitty ass excuse for a boyfriend. Are you even a fucking man? You broke her heart but you couldn’t see her off properly? You couldn’t even take her home yourself? You had your assistant dragged her away like trash? Not even a goddamn proper explanation. Give me one reason right now to not kill you.” Hyunwoo had never been more glad for his grand stature than now as he hover over Hanbin with all the intimidation he could musters up.

Fist shaking in the air, Hanbin’s anger manifests itself before his senses overcome, dropping the would be punch out of confusion at the strange sentence. Letting his rival off, Hyunwoo backs away, brows furrow in an effort to decipher the expression on Hanbin’s face.

“Wait. What do you mean you told her to fight for me?”

“The girl was dying over missing you, dumbass. She kept questioning herself, saying that she wasn’t good enough. She thinks you were over her and uses me as an escape plan. Don’t make me regret all those night I spent convincing her that you still love her.” 

Dumbfounded, Hanbin crashes his weight onto the railing of the cold metal staircase. Both men stood there in silent, nothing but panting could be heard as they both try their best to collect themselves. Clearly, a big misunderstanding is afoot and neither of them are stupid enough to not realize so. Hyunwoo watches as Hanbin murmurs like a madman incoherent jumbles of “but she said” and “no, that’s not right” before he cuts him off, shaking his shoulders to snap him back to reality.

“Listen to me, she fucking wants you. Not me. We spent two months together, every single night. Every oversea trip I took, she was right there in the hotel room with nothing but thin air separating our bodies. Trust me when I say if there is something between us, it would’ve happen already.” Hyunwoo sighs. How could he not have seen this, it’s so you to pull some sort of stun like this. He leans back, shoulders resting against the cold wall feeling the exhaustion of the day pouring out. “I’ve moved on, Hanbin. That girl you’re accusing me of cheating on Y/n with, her name is Ella. She has been my personal assistant for the past 2 years, ever since I got promoted. She was the first person I had truly loved after Y/n but you know, moving on from someone like Y/n is a hell of a fucking feat.” He chuckles at the way your eyes sparks with delight when you realized the way Hyunwoo look at Ella, the same stare you felt all those years ago. He near had to throw you over his shoulders and run away when you had threaten to spill his secret after he failed to confess for the 3rd time.  “She has been helping me making a move on her for a good month now. They actually had became pretty good friends. I get so scare every time they hide in the corner and giggling about lord knows what. God know where I’d be if she hadn’t pep talked me the whole way through. Before I left, she schemed a plan for me and it worked. I’m with Ella, Hanbin. We’re official. I have a girlfriend and it’s not Y/n.” Hyunwoo’s visage finally soften at the sheer utter shock breaking upon Hanbin’s pale face like dawn over a new day.

“WHAT?! but the way you talked about her that one time we met. Even that first time we saw you…” Hanbin could remembers that night clear at day. He had always felt guilty for swooping in on your vulnerable state but that night, that night was the last crack in his iceberg of selfishness. Hyunwoo stood there, stoic and silent but behind those kind droopy eyes, Hanbin could see a man in pain. A man that just witness his could be wife walked off with another man. What he couldn’t predict was the fact that Hyunwoo had been struggling with moving on for so long that in a rush of relief and nostalgia, he suddenly found himself lost. Lost in the flurry of the past, in the pain, and in guilts. All 3 years worth of emotion suddenly flushed back mixing with the pain of leaving and the guilt of moving on. Hyunwoo cried tears of what, he didn’t even know. All he knew was his heart was finally light watching the genuine smile on your face as you stared into Hanbin’s eyes. He knew Hanbin is your endgame. 

“We spent 3 years together as a couple, there will always residual feelings, nostalgia. Nothing will ever take that away. She was once my whole life and I was hers. Do you really think we could ever get rid of such important people in our lives just with the ticks of time? We still love each other…” Hyunwoo mulls over the word carefully, watching the way Hanbin’s expression twists up in pain, elated that his words affect the poor boy greatly. Not in a menacing way, of course, just in a way to see if this man in front of him is really worth your time and love. If he ever had doubts about Hanbin’s love for you, this anguish emanating from the ghost pale boy upon hearing the sentence “we still love each other” would be enough to dispel it all. If he even has any doubt to begin with. “…just not in the way you think we do. You don’t even know how glad I was to know she has you. You treated her million time better than I could ever have, ever will. You need to get over this true love bullshit. We’re not five watching Disney movies anymore. Happily ever after is what you make with the person you love, the person that love you. It’s not some ultimate god given will, alright? I thought Y/n was my heaven sent piece of forever but look at where we are. Ella is my forever now and you’re Y/n’s. Don’t fuck it up. Hyunwoo stares at Hanbin with those soft understanding eyes although to outsider, the way he’s raking his rough hand through his perfectly made hair would say otherwise. “I couldn’t admit to myself that I’ve moved on. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that I love someone other than her but Y/n, she has her way of bringing closure to everything. Judging from your tormented state, she did it to you too, didn’t she?” 

“She wrote me a letter. Wishing me well and pretty much said you two got b-back together.” Even saying it now pains Hanbin. Sure he had seen you snuggled up to Hyunwoo back in the days of his secret one sided crush. He’d smile every time you pressed a gentle kiss on Hyunwoo’s cheek, hoping someday he’ll be lucky enough to meet someone that’s never ashamed of showing her love so publicly. Deep down, he knew he had already met that person, just at a very wrong time. He was disappointed of course but what could he have done. You’ve been with Hyunwoo for almost 3 years when you bulldozed him over onto the cold pavement. Sometimes he had wondered what would happened if that fateful day just 3 years earlier. Now, now that he had a taste of how wonderful, how gloriously addicting your love could be, just the thought of Hyunwoo comforting you burns every millimeter of his body.

“She’s lying. She’s been miserable as hell. What funny is she actually think she could hide it from me, puts up a happy front. I could give her temporary comfort but long term, it’s all you man.  Whatever it is you did that makes her think she has no chance of getting back with you. I don’t care what it is but if she lies, she did it so you’re not burden with the weight of knowing she’s hurting over missing you. I’ve been dropping her off at your work and picking her up for awhile now. I never thought she’d put herself in harm way like that. I’ve been oversea on a business trip for over a week now so I told her not to go by herself but she didn’t listen. Stubborn as a bull, that one is.” Hyunwoo’s words trail off at the thought of your steel liked mind and judging from the small chuckle falling off of Hanbin’s lips, he agrees.  “My other assistant told me she’s in the hospital. I was ready to fly back, dropped all my meeting actually, but I was informed she’s in very good hands.”

At this, Hyunwoo place a firm squeeze on Hanbin’s shoulder with a small understanding smile. Hanbin cards through his hair, blaming himself for being so stupid as to not see through your lies. It’s so you to pull a stunt like that. You had always put him before yourself.

“God… What the fuck is happening, man. I, I just don’t understand how she could pushed herself that far off the edge. If I hadn’t followed her that day…”

“But you did. And you caught her. Like always, you caught her when she needed you most. That’s what important. Look, I know the kind of person you are. You don’t do things without reason. And while I appreciate your concern for my love life, you really should’ve talk to both of us before sending her away like that. You know how she is, man. She’d rather sacrifice herself than have harm comes our ways. That’s her biggest flaw to be honest, she’s too kind to us shitty men.” Hanbin nods in agreement, sniffles grew loud in the relief the clear of all the storm clouds that had been plaguing his mind for much too long.

“I fucked up really bad, Hyunwoo. I don’t know if I can make things right. God, I wish I ran into you sooner.”

“Do right by her. Start over and beg for forgiveness. She been through enough, it’s time for her to be happy. We’ve both fucked up her life majorly. I missed my chance of making things right years ago but you still got plenty of time. I really want to thank you, for taking care of her after I left. I haven’t seen her so happy talking about anyone in such a long time.” He wasn’t lying. Hyunwoo knows better than to compare the love you have for Hanbin to the love you had for himself. Yet he still has to man up and admits that Hanbin is really your happiness from the way your eyes sparkles recalling all the good time.

“A fair warning. She’s not exactly herself lately so she will give you a hard time especially if she misunderstand your intention but persevere. Go to her, she needs you.” Using the line of text that Hanbin used to send Hyunwoo your way, Hyunwoo finally got his chance to repay your love and kindness by sending Hanbin back into your arms. Walking away with a deeper understanding of each other, Hanbin and Hyunwoo spent hours that night talking about the delights you brought to their lives. How someone so small could impacted their lives in such monumental ways. They talk well into the morning, all the way till Hanbin got the call he had been anticipating.

“Hanbin ah, she’s awake!” His mom excitingly exclaiming over and over again through the phone. Hanbin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. First Hyunwoo gave him the best course of action of his life and now you’re awake. He feels like he had just won the lottery 3 times over. Both men of your life broke down into tears at the wonderful news, overjoy that you were back in their lives once more. Hyunwoo parts way but not without a giant hug to which Hanbin more than welcome. 

“Alright, I better check on Ella. She got so freaked out when you dragged me off.” Hyunwoo lingers at the doorway, basking in light of the newly formed friendship.

“Tell her I’m so sorry and I’ll make it up to you both. You know, you better save me a seat at your wedding. The way you gushed about her for the past 4 hours, I can already hear wedding bells.” Hanbin jokes with a supporting slap to Hyunwoo’s broad shoulder. Elates in the way the older boys blushing so intensely at the thought.

“You know what, I better be freaking best man at yours and Y/n’s. I mean, I think I had a pretty big part in this future holy matrimony, don’t you think? At least godfather to your first born? Yes?” Hyunwoo retorts sassily, earning a big shove from Hanbin as he saunters off down the winding hallway.

“Yea, yea. Get back to your lady before she thinks I killed you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight and good luck!” Both men wave each other off into their love ventures, hopeful that no matter the process, only happy endings await especially with the gain of a new friend in each other.

Awaken cold and alone, you summon all your strength into a futile attempt of sitting up only to come crashing down moments later. The loud thud stirs awake a sleepy Mrs. Kim slumping in the couch still hold the scent of her son whom spent nights wasting away to that rhythmic beeps. You grunt loudly, fingers move to yank away the constricting wire in a daze of confusion. Why were you attach to so many things, where the hell is this place. Your whimpers and whines grow loud as frustration settles in. Tears breaching the brim of your eyes, you nearly scream when a small gentle hand comes to caress your nappy locks.

“It’s okay… You’re safe. You’re safe.”

His mom repeats the small chant, each word eats at your nervous heart and unsettling mind until your hands drop away willingly, letting her soft dainty hand put everything back in place.

“Mrs. Kim? Wh- How?”

“None of that matter right now, okay? Rest and get healthy. My pretty daughter shouldn’t worry about anything right now. Focus on getting better.”

“I-” You couldn’t even get a single syllable out before the soft shushing of a concern mother hushes your anxiety back to sleep.

“Shh. Rest, I’m going to get the doctor okay?”

You nod, feeling the steel weight of your lids closing down on your vision… Whatever, however you get here will have to wait.

The second he landed, Hanbin mind tunneling in on the fastest route back to you. Knowing your heart, he can now confidently open his arms to embrace you back in his life. Nearly knocking over every person in the usually cold drab path that suddenly doesn’t seems so cold anymore. That stale yellow wall lining the way to his temporary home seems to be bursting with sunshine as he storms into your room with a loud bang of the door to only find it empty. Tottering toward the vacant bed, his lost eyes could still make out the hospital bag Lily and Jane had packed for you beside the nightstand. You’re definitely still here. The sun shining joyously matching his mood as he runs a hand over the bundled up blanket draping precariously over the edge, pulling it neatly back to where it should be. The sun’s rays dance upon the room, giving it a big burst of colorful joy to the usual quiet room. Set on his way to find you, his footsteps halt as the disheartening sight of a twinkle of gold caught his eyes. You were nowhere to be found but the necklace holding your ring left behind, lonely on the night stand.

Speeding back into the hallway, he clutches the ring close to his heart hoping you were just wandering around nearby. He suddenly finds himself smiling at the strange habit of yours, always wandering off the second he turns his back. He could still remember all the panic he had the first few months of being with you when one second you were clinging onto his hand, the next disappeared into thin air. Growing up as the heir to a big enterprise, he had always been taught to be cautious, to be aware so needless to say the carefree spirit you possess to think it was completely normal to jog down the street to pet a dog without a care in the world isn’t something he was used to. He’d always get worried sick but never angry with you, just sigh in relief the second he spotted your figure hovering over someone’s dog or staring into a cafe to check the menu.

A few minutes of frantically searching, his eyes soften at the familiar back and tousles of messy hair in the distance soaking in the warmth of the sun. Steps slowed down, he carefully approaches, mulling over his opening line with great care because honestly, this could be the happiest day of his life or the day where he loses you all over again. Sitting down onto the next seat, he couldn’t help but fidget with a strange sense of, of something so familiar yet he couldn’t figure out what.  The way your features glow in the light takes his breath away, so much so that the souring taste of acid reflux from being so uncomfortable to think that he needs to brainstorm before talking to you was being wash away completely. Since when did he ever needs a filter to talk to you, the one person that will accept all his words no matter how silly or how philosophically profound they might be. Oh, that’s right, since the day he threw you away like trash but right now, right now he can’t take his eyes off of you even if you’re just wearing the simple hospital gown. As if he had seen an angel, he forgets about the entire world, lost in the familiarity of your features. Smiling like an idiot, the flutters of your eyelashes with each blink mesmerize him into a trance. How cute are the rosy pink cheeks, bitten by the cold. The way you purse your lips entrap him, leaving him wondering what you were thinking about. After spending so long staring at you sleep, he’s overjoy even with just watching you space out.

“I tried to leave, but they said without your permission they can’t give me the release form…”

You speak up so unexpectedly, startles the lovesick boy out of his reverie. Catching himself drooling over you, he clears his throat before humming out a quiet answer.

“hmm, they informed me of your transfer request.”

“They won’t even let me do that… unless I can pay for the fee in full amount. I didn’t think you were this kind of person, Hanbin.” Your voice firm, unwavering yet your mind a mess from forcing yourself to speak so coldly to the man you love, the man that’s having your heart hammering so hard he probably already figured you out by now. Finally facing his way, the aloofness so prominent on your face scares him. He was so ecstatic, delirious with joy that he had forgotten about Hyunwoo’s warning of just how you might react even if you still love him. Needless to say the cold in your voice shocks him to bits.

“Using money to keep me hostage. You know damn well I can’t pay the fee. Why’d you even bring me to this fancy ass place for? just leave me in one of those cheap clinic.” You press on but wary of the surrounding, scare of making a scene of who might be listening in. The last thing you want is for Hanbin’s image to be tarnish because you cause a scene out of fake spite for him.

“Don’t you dare say that. You deserve the best treatment in the world. You have all my asset at your disposal. Wha-Why would you say such a thing.” He blurts out, stuns, incredulous at your ridiculous statement, almost even a bit angry that you’d think he’d abandon you so carelessly. How could you possibly think so poisonously when his intention is purely because he’s care. He had began to reach out for your tear stained rosy cheek when your glare made him understood his touch was no longer welcome. Sadden, he cowers back in his seat and his hand painfully returns to his lap.

“What do you care…” He flinches once again at how flat and cold your voice had become. Where was that sweet like honey voice he loves so much. Where were those fresh, crisp laugh that reminds him of a spring morning. Who is this person so disdainful sitting in front of him, criticizing all his action that he had done out of nothing but pure love. His mind spins so fast Hanbin was getting dizzy from adjusting to this new you that he wasn’t sure he wants to get use to.

“I care a lot. I care because I love you. You’re mi- uhm, you were mine, you were my baby. You’re still my friend. We were friends even before we were together for god’s sake. Why wouldn’t I care?” Addressing you in past tense is something Hanbin never got used to. In fact, he resists with all his might to get used to it. He was still referring to you as his girlfriend even well into the 3rd week of the break up. Every now and then he’d temporary forget, letting himself get lost in this carefree pocket of life and calling out your name only to have it echoed dejectedly around an empty house.

“Love” you scoff at the ridiculous sentiment. “Bit late for that, don’t you think?” Before he could say anything else, the gentle voice of your attending nurse cuts off his torture.

“Miss Y/n, let’s go get your lungs check up.”

With a small smile, you roll your IV pole away, leaving him stammering like an idiot at your pure coldness. Having rushed home so quickly, he barely had anytime to anticipate how you would react. He knew it was wrong to use the hospital authority, to use money to force your hand but he was so scared. Scared that you would leave the second you wake up. Scared that you would scurried back into the night, leaving him lost. After all, Hyunwoo had just told him the night before you were planning on moving away, out of his reach. He knows once you’re out of that apartment, he has no tie to your life, no way of reaching out to you. You’d be lost forever in the universe.

Following the gentle-voiced nurse, you swing your head slightly back at his direction, stealing a few glances of the handsome boy you’ve been dying receive affection from. Indisputably glowing under the soft winter sun even in simple black sweatpants, t-shirt, and the leather jacket that, tho he rarely wears it, used to drive you absolutely bonkers when he did. Elbows resting on his knees, he buries his face deep within the palms, fingertips rubbing gently at his hairline, you couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain spreading through your chest and it wasn’t because of your illness. You secretly wish you would just stay sick a bit longer, that way you can keep him for yourself just for a bit more. You bit your lips to force the regret of not falling into his arms threatening to vomit out of your heart back in. 

Waiting patiently in the small armchair beside your bed, he couldn’t help but feel his heart clenches at the image of the ring laying carelessly on the night stand. Never once did he sees you without it until that night he so ruthlessly slipped it off your finger despite your protest. In a way, Hanbin knows he deserve all of this but he couldn’t help but pray to all the Gods that you’d be the kind hearted girlfriend he loves. Staring at his own worn out ring on his finger, the thought of the two rings that should be occupy your finger remain ownerless plague his mind like the worst kind of storm. Spinning it around his finger, his mind races against time, steaming to figure out how he could get you to talk to him. The sudden sound of the metal lock shock him out of his own thought, leaving him smiling at your emerging self.

“You’re back!” A bright smile greets you first thing through the door and you could feel your icy heart melting.

“Yea, like I can go anywhere else.” Although feeling like an ass, you needed to do it for yourself. He has someone new, giving into his affection would just mess you up further when he leaves.

“What did the doctor say. How’s your lungs?” anxious vexes on his face, stomach stirring at the thought that you’re unwell then at the though that you were leaving him soon if you’re well.

“Uhm, no fluid so it’s good.” an awkward smile creeps onto your lips and you just feel strange. You were so used to just crashing into his arm coming back from doctor appointment and he’d just welcome you with no question ask. He knew how much you hated doctor, hated hospital and if him just holding you could replace all the discomfort stem from it then hold your for days he will. He’d waste a whole day just snuggling up close to his chest whenever you were sick. Although according to Hanbin, it’s not wasted if it’s something done out of love. You need that so bad right now but it’s as though there’s a big invisible wall in between you both.

“Tha-that’s good! That’s really good, you can leave soon then.”

If you didn’t know any better, you could swear he sounds disappointed? Must be a trick your lonely heart played, how could he be disappointed, after hall he pushed you away and got himself a new woman. 

Although the good news relieves all his pain, all his worries, he couldn’t help but face the reality of what will come next. Once you’re out of the hospital, would you still let him stay by your side? Cater to your needs?

“Yea… I guess” you do know better and your answer is definitely laced with disappointment. As you clamber into bed, he holds your arm, fluff your pillows, set up the TV remote so it was within range of your hold. Shyly, he pulls the cover over your body, helping you lay down. Each touch of his fingertips sear into your heart. You could feel it beating again with the force of a volcano ready to explode. Privately in  your heart, you let your soul basks in the warmth that shames even the sun’s playful rays emanating from the caring man. You could see the bite on his lower lip, the way he leans up just a smidgen aiming for your forehead but that kiss never came. Instead, He retreats back to his favorite couch pulling out stacks of paper and once again, your hospital room turns into his office.

Eyes on the TV screen, you couldn’t help but peek over every other minute to look at the gorgeous face under the pair of tortoise colored glasses. You had always have a thing for Hanbin and glasses, always wondering what kind of student he was in college, whether he would’ve give you any of his time. Now and then, you would catch him peeking over, using whatever documents he’s holding to appear as inconspicuous as possible, smiling softly at your resting form and giggle at the thought that he thinks he’s slick. Every so often, you would have a cough attack and immediately, Hanbin would be right by your side, offering water, rubbing circle on your back while his wincing face tells you he much he wishes to replace your spot in the hospital bed. If you’re being really honest, you’re drinking up all his attention like a crack on the desert floor after a big rain storm. You couldn’t help but fake cough just to get him close without giving into his attentiveness that’s no doubt chipping at your heart.

By the day end, he had forgotten that it was awkward for him to touch you, to pet your head occasionally while pacing the floor on his phone, taking care of company’s business. Embolden  by your lack of refusal, he even slips his index under your chin grazing it affectionately as he used to whenever he thinks that you did something cute. Before you could react, he had already sauntered away, rambling about one thing or another to the person over the phone. Truthfully, you couldn’t be loving the small contacts any more than now knowing maybe after this hospital stay is over so will his affection.

For most part he left you alone, fearing any action, even meaningless one would push you away. He already feels so blessed to be able to work in the same room with you without being smite by your spiteful words, to just being able to watch you from afar. He should be used to this as he had watched you for so long before he got to call you his girlfriend but in reality, it’s so hard now that he had a taste of what life really is like being your everything.

Time seems to past painstakingly slow when the only person able to distract you from the cough and the boredom on staring at the same four walls is the same person your pride won’t allow you to be friend with. Staring at your dashing roommate, you wish things were the way it was. Instead of distancing himself on the lonely couch, he’d be tuck into bed right by your side. He’d shower you with kisses the second your eyes open, petting your hair, holding your hands. Instead, all you get now is a few glances he’d steal whenever he thinks you’re not paying attention. Being Hanbin’s girlfriend was easy. He’s attentive when it comes to catering to whatever your desire be. If you wanted hug, he could be working on super important document and still let you cling onto his back. Now, even though your body uneasy, feeling like there’s electricity running through every vein, itching for his touch, you can’t even ask for it. You wish he’d just go to sleep but knowing him, sleep time would be closer to sunrise than sunset. Sighing loudly, you return your gaze to the mindless show on TV.  

Luck seems to be on your side tonight as not even 5 minutes past midnight, Hanbin weary self had slumped over on the couch, snoring away softly. Waiting another half hour to be safe, you softly creep off your bed and silently make your way to him. The way his eyes twitches, lips slightly part, arm drapes across his forehead, hand holding onto his glasses precariously, everything about him was still so perfect. Allowing yourself to get lost in the past, your fingers reach out hesitantly to trace his nose ridge down to his jawline. You lost count of how many times he’d get so hyped up to watch a movie but always ended up slumbering through most of it out of sheer exhaustion from work with his head on your lap. You’d always just watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest while letting your fingers tangled in his soft locks. He loved the small little shivers you sent through his body from just something as simple as petting his hair.

Moving further down, your hand rest easy flat upon his chest, soaking in his beating heart. A small tear trail down your cheek as you timidly press a small kiss onto his stilled lips, wishing he’d wake up and kiss you back. You carefully peel his fingers away from his glasses and the stack of paper still tightly clung, settling them down onto the desk. Pulling a spare blanket from the closet, you encase his body into the soft material before allowing yourself to steal another kiss, on his forehead this time. A soft moan tear you away from your day dream, sending your body scurrying back to the large bed to avoid confrontation in case he wakes up.

The loud clank of the remote hitting the floor shocks Hanbin out of his work trance. Glancing up, he chuckles at your attempt to fish the remote without getting out of bed. Currently draping yourself, half hanging off the bed, you sigh out a frustrated “ayyye” before your prince once again, abandon work just to entertain your little needs.

“Hmm… sorry…” You whisper timidly, finger quick to push a messy strand of hair behind your ear to peek at your loving prince. You were blushing so intensely when he flashes his dimple that you wonder if he had just figured out you’re only putting on a tough front with him. Judging from the way his hand purposely brushing against yours while placing the remote back in your hand, you would say that option weren’t too far-fetch. God, the way his smile lingers a bit too long on his lips reduces you to a melting puddle of mess. You’d be giggling like a school girl too if it had not been for the battle against yourself to put up a tough exterior, a battle that you can feel you’re slowly losing grip on.

“Was I too loud? I’ll move all my work stuff back to my office tomorrow morning. I know you need rest, it’s getting pretty late too.”

You sit silently for a minute, staring at those loving brown eyes. You wish for nothing more but for him to stay close by but that would be too selfish. He has someone new and you were just pulling him back into some confuse crazy whirlwind. Why couldn’t you just be strong, yell at him or get angry. That way he could just walk away without feeling guilty. Sensing that everything is less than okay, Hanbin backs away slowly, retreating to his couch before cleaning everything up in a flurry. His heart aches. He had thought you were finally begin to seek comfort with him once again but looks like he gave himself false hope. Sniffling quietly, he chuckles out of the amusement of how easily he thought you’d let him back into your life. After the stunt he had pulled, did he really expect for you to welcome him back with open arms? He questions himself, nearing the brink of tear but he silences himself. Little did he knows, all his movement scrutinize to the extreme with a fine toothed comb by your eyes.

If he had moved on, why does it looks like he’s less than thrill to leave?

Lord knows what comes over you the next second but whatever it was, it lifts Hanbin’s hope greatly.

“Stay…” You speak up softly, biting your lips, mulling over whether this really was the right thing to do. “…If you want. It does get lonely here by myself.”

“You sure?” He asks and immediately regretting giving you an option to back out of the offer.

“Yea. Stay! It’s kinda too quiet in the morning when you leave for work… I could use the company.” You speak again, more confident this time as he moves closer to your side. A soft smile plays across his lips before he did something so unexpected it hurts even more than your aching lungs. He kisses you and you couldn’t bring yourself to reject the act of love you’ve craved for so long. You had always loved being kiss by Hanbin. He leans into it so delicately it almost felt unreal. Your quivering lips stay still, mulling over the taste of his lips, horrify at how foreign everything feels. Fear runs deep through your spine, how could his kiss feels so strangely distant already after only a mere few months. By no mean it was foreign because of the taste, or how they feel moulding against yours. It wasn’t the fact that he’s so awkwardly stilled instead of grabbing at any part of your body he could nor was he deepening the kiss as he should. It was the fact that the kiss wasn’t the same happy ones you two shared countless times through out your wonderful time together, the one you’d ask for without any reason and he’d give you without questioning. A shiver shoots through every cell of your body at the thought of how far away he’d be after a year. 

Although brave enough to finally take his chance, he could barely move fearing you’d refuse him at the slightest movement. He stands there with his arms awkwardly hang loose on his sides, back aching from the strange angle he had found himself bending over to be close to you yet he’d die before he breaks contact with your lips, his drug. Unexpectedly, your lips part way allowing his wavering nerve to push his lower lips in between your cracked ones, a soft satisfying moan fills the room. If he has to tally up all his luck, he’d say today would be the luckiest day of his life as your hand reluctantly reaches out to grasp onto his shirt, balling it up in your closed fist. Taking his chance, he edges himself onto your bed, newfound conviction coursing through his veins. You let your hand wanders onto his chest, caressing the body you had missed terribly to hold for the last few months. Even with his tongue plunging deep within your mouth now, his hands still unsure of where they’d be allow so he decided to simply rest it on your thighs. Sensing his hesitation, you trail your fingers up across his collar bones, wrapping firmly at the nape of his neck before pushing deep into his hair gratifying all his senses just the way he had been missing. 

“Hanbin…”

You whisper so quietly that he was scared he heard you wrong but all his doubt thrown out the window the moment he feels your chest pressing closer to his, desperate to deepen the connection. Breaking away for a second just to get a good look at the face of his love, he grins satisfyingly at your blown out pupils and how your face looks so blissful it almost resembles the mess he used to left you after a long session of love making. He basks in the pride of still being able to captivate you with just his lips even after all this time. His hands rest easy on your hips, pulling you squarely onto his lap without much resistant.

“Hmm, baby… I miss you.”

He sighs onto your lips, taking his chance before you snap out of whatever high you’re on that let him kiss you in the first place. Humming in reply, you have your arms around his torso now, tighten behind his back as he cups your cheeks with both hands. He pulls you closer, as if that was even possible at this point and you acquiesce in his action, nudging your body against his. You could feel all the tension in your heartstrings loosen. One hand slowly trailing along the curve of your spine, Hanbin somehow manages to raise all your hair on its ends as he twist and turn, attempting to exploit every bit of your vulnerability. He knows it’s wrong to take advantage of your confused heart but he couldn’t care. He was far too desperate to stop and your lack of refusal only embolden his venture.

“I miss you too…” 

Once again you were Hanbin’s girl. You feel his love permeates from his heart through the kiss and you only see him. You were ready to let go, to let him have his way with you, to be love one more time.

Just when everything begins to feel right, the ugly thought of the angel liked girl giggling her way into your brain forcing your eyes open. He was still deep, lost within your kiss with his eyes shut tightly, a few tears dotting his long lashes. You push him off with all your might, sending yourself tumbling backward on to the bed. He sits there in shock, in pain, mouth gapes wide open for anyone to see before he could even realize what was happening, his hands already reaching out to encase you in his embrace once more. To his dismay, you reject it with all your strength. He couldn’t believe it. His happiness is being rip away once again and he can’t do anything to stop it. It was inevitable, he knows that much but he wishes it wasn’t so soon.

“No. No. How could you?” You exasperate, tears welling up.

“Baby… Please don’t be like this. I know I messed up” His trepidation grows at your painful expression. Had he gone too far? His heart felt like it was the right thing to do. You kissed him back but what went wrong? His hands reach out for you but painfully you flinch backward instead.

“Messed up?” You groan with disgust.  “Hanbin you dumped me, in case you forgot. There’s nothing between us anymore. I really think you should stop calling me that… wouldn’t your girl mind? If she doesn’t then I’m pretty sure she would mind that kiss. Goddamn it, Hanbin, I don’t want to be the bad guy here.” You whine. The thought of hurting another person like an arrow through your heart. How would she feels if she had found out he spent the last three days camped in his ex’s hospital room. The pain she’ll go through would be unbearable when she finds out you made out with her man. Her man. Even thinking about that hurts.

“Babe… please don’t think about me like that. I’m loyal to only you, that girl you saw, she’s just a friend. We’ve been friend for awhile and she was visiting from Europe. I haven’t seen her since before we got together. We were just on our way to dinner and, and I didn’t want her to see me so miserable so I pretended. I’ve read your letter. You misunderstood, baby. Please.”

“The way you held her…” You croak painfully, shutting your eyes so forcefully tears spilling over from the thought of his arm around her shoulder warmed from his jacket.

“Is nothing compare to the way I used to hold you, still want to hold you. Baby, out of everyone you should know that the best.”

Frustrated at the thought that you would think he’d betray you in such way so shortly after the breakup, he walks off toward the window, stopping short of just jumping out of it to hide away. Discontent taut on his forehead as his brows furrow. He just couldn’t believe you’d think of him in such a light. Sure he expects you to hate him, to slap or kick him in the nuts but to accuse him of being unfaithful is something that he can’t accept.

Full of regret, you hide away in the safety of your blanket. You were careless. So careless that you hadn’t even consider the possibility he has his own version of Hyunwoo. Not once did he gets angry with you for spending time with your ex yet here you laid, accusing the man that had given you everything, getting jealous that he was happy without you. 

Even though it hurts, he knows ultimately this was all his doing. He has no right to be mad, to be annoyed at your discord with his action but he can’t help it. To him, you were never truly gone. At the same time he understands as he not even a week ago picked a fight with your gentle bear best friend out of frustration, of misunderstanding, but also very much out of jealousy. 

“Baby… look at me, please. I love you, so so much. I know I don’t deserve you after the way I shunned you off. You have every right to be mad at me, hate me. But please, don’t think I would ever betray your love. What about that kiss that one night…Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“What? I- But you were sleeping. You can’t- No how is it possible?”

“I learned to be alert even in my sleep after the first night spending here watching you. I had to be aware, to be here when you wake up so i changed my sleep habit I guess. The thought of you waking up in confusion laying in a strange room, a hospital room at that… I couldn’t let that happen.”

His heart aches at your shivering form under the blanket. The way your body curls up so small as if you wish you could just disappear from the room.

“It doesn’t matter, Hanbin. We’ve broken up… you’re free…free to do whatever you please, whoever you please. Don’t think you need to explain yourself to me.”

“No, we… we. I don’t want us to end. I never wanted us to end. God what I would give to take all your pain away.”

“But you can’t. We all have things we want but life doesn’t work that way. You’re finally happy again, take it, hold it close and don’t let go.” your words feeble through your tear and the weakness of your own heart.

“Happy? You think I’m happy without you? God, baby. I’m miserable. I’m insufferable to everyone around me. The happiest thing that happened to me the past two months was seeing you wait so patiently for me everyday like the good girl you are even when you know I won’t talk to you. Do you even know what that does to me? I’ve watch and re-watched the security footage of you sitting at that bench so many time i’ve lost track. When you’re not there, i’d go and sit where you would sit, imagining your body, soaking in your present. I wanted to die without you.” He vexes hoping to convey how painful it was to watch you but couldn’t touch you, knowing that you were waiting but he can’t relent to his temptation of meeting you.

You sit up with such force you could feel the whiplash liked creak in your neck. Blanket flings off in a flurry of anger, you roughly shove your hand through your hair, nearly ripping off every strand.

“Then why the fuck did you left me huh? Out of all those days, all you had to do was smile at me but GOD. The first time I saw you smile in months, it wasn’t for me, it wasn’t because of me. It was her. All you had to do was hug me, Hanbin and I would’ve given you everything. But instead you left me there, in the cold.” Your words choke in your throat as if warning you to stop before it’s too late, before they leaves you wallow in regret from pushing the love of your life too far. “ Why am I even here, huh? All those days I was crying on my own, all I wanted was a simple hug, something to acknowledge my presence but I couldn’t even get that. You know how ridiculous that feel, Hanbin? Here’s a guy that claimed he loves me with all his life, with all his might but I was shivering in the cold on my own, he couldn’t so much as spare me a glance but oh no, it’s wrong for me to assume he had moved on.” You huff in exhaustion, damn all the coughing, damn this illness, damn it all as you clutch your chest from the short heaves of your lungs that barely provide enough oxygen. “ What? You think because you sent a replacement that you’re instantly clear of all charges? How dare you, Kim Hanbin. Playing God with my life like I’m some rag doll for you to mess with. Son Hyunwoo is someone precious to me. How dare you roped him into this sick game of yours. Shoving him my way like some secondhand incentive. He is not a thing for you to mess with. He’s dear to my heart no matter how my relationship had ended with him. I thought you were brave but no. You’re just a damn coward that uses everyone. You were sick of me so you throw me aside, claiming Hyunwoo still loves me. That you, sir, somehow knows my heart better than myself. I did get confuse for a bit… Maybe there’s some truth to your words. Maybe you do know me so I doubted myself. Disgustingly felt sorry that I put you through such a tough situation.  How dare you mess with someone’s heart like that. I hate you, Hanbin.”

Your rage boils superficially like a volcano, threatening to explode any second. You no longer care how much tear or snot stream out of your face as your glare at him with the utmost poisonous of eyes. Horror shields those loving eyes of his away from you as he bit his lips shut. He blames himself every second of every day for putting you in that hospital bed. No word could describe the staggering heartbreak he felt seeing you so lifeless, silent amongst the beeping of the machines. He couldn’t believe his ears, his brain can’t for the life of it register the word “hate” coming out of your mouth with such force. Sure you had jokingly said it before but now, now you really do mean it.

“Love me…” You scoff, a mirthless grin flashes on your face and honestly it scares Hanbin. Never once did he knows of such an dark, almost evil look to take root in your features. No, to him you’re not capable of doing any harm, of being mean. This, this has to be the result of the mess he started. It pains him to see bitterness oozes from your every pore knowing it’s all because of him. From the moment he had laid eyes on you, he wishes for nothing more but to protect the sunshine and innocent you possess that’s so different from the rest of his cold and calculated world. Alas, he had lost that battle. “You know, when the light inside a lighthouse break, the keeper would change the lightbulb, tweaks the setting, not replacing the light house. You… You damn went and destroy the whole thing. This, this so called light house, beacon of ‘love’ that you said I had built for you brick by brick. Gone. And you! You’re the one that torn it all down.”

He knew this would happen but no preparation in this world could be enough for this moment. You rip all his breaths, all his words, all his thought away with that agonizing tinge contorting your face into a frown. You were looking at him now, just like he wanted but that heartbreaking sight of your tear make him feels like a helpless little boy standing on the shore being crush by the unimaginable force of an oncoming wave. Clutching his chest, once again like a coward, he runs away in tear leaving you stunned with the loud slam of the door.

“Shit, what did I do.” You sat there helpless watching his back turning away, leaving you to fend for yourself once again. You’ve done it. You’ve finally push him out of your life permanently.

Muttering a soft “No”, you want nothing more but for him to come back, to kiss you again. Like a fool, you lost your chance just because you’re an angry bitter person. Why couldn’t you just hold off on being selfish for one second and just say you love him. Reality come crashing down as the rhythmic beeps of the machine returns with dead air as its companion and the dust of fury had settled. You shed tears now not of frustration but of self pity. You had the best man in the world pinning after you but what did you do? You push him away. Uncontrollable sob and screams pulsate from your lungs and you couldn’t care less who hear. It’s none of their business anyhow.

“It’s okay, Y/n… it’s okay.”

A good minute past before you could register the heat leaking into your pale cold skin and the soft, gentle voice lulling you back down from your high. Your eyes flutter open to find your head resting on Hyunwoo’s strong shoulder as his fingers softly comb through your hair.

“It’s okay, babe. You got it out. You got your anger out. Let it go, don’t hold it back.”

“I messed up, Hyunwoo. H-He…fuck. Hanbin’s not coming back… He told me she was just someone he trusts and I still accused him of moving on. He has every right to move on, Hyunwoo. I…” You yank vexingly at the endless wires and the loose collar of your hospital shirt that suddenly feel all too constricting. “I gotta go find him…” Hyunwoo tighten his hold on your shivering body, soaking away the frustration that’s wrecking your every fibre. It’s useless to even fight the grasp of your gentle bear as he soothes away all your aching with every pass of his hand over your back.

“He will. Trust me. He will but you gotta meet him halfway, babe. You can’t push him away like that. I know he messed up but get over your pride. You want him back. He loves you unconditionally, he won’t look down on you or laugh at you. Just show him you need him. The boy is ready to give you the whole galaxy if you ask for it. The least you could do is give him a chance. If not for him, for yourself. Like you said, you deserve to be happy.”

“I wanted to…” Your eyes falter to the spot he once sat so patiently typing away on his laptop. You heart aches for the sight of him taking a peek at you with a soft smile on his face. He had always looked at you like you’re the only girl in the world but in your tormented twisted mind, you couldn’t see that… Why couldn’t you just see that.

“Look, I’m not taking his side. I’d beat the shit out of him if I could but I know that only hurts you so I’ll just be honest. You think the last two months had been hard on you and I agree. No one should ever feel this pain but let me tell you the side you don’t know. He’s hurting a lot more than you think he is. When we broke up, you had Hanbin constantly catering to your needs…” The slight pause in his comforting tone has your heart twisting up in guilt. For the first time since having your life line reconnected, you really look at Hyunwoo as you did all those years ago. The pain of first love still linger beneath the calm facade and that sad smile of his. Those kind eyes were still the same but perhaps a bit more worn. Those lips, that smile, everything were still so familiar yet so different. You’ve been so selfish with playing the victim that you really had forgotten the other half of this world of pain. You had forgotten to listen. “I was alone, dealing with losing you all on my own and let me tell you this, hurt isn’t even just a word anymore. It’s my being, my breath, my mind, everything hurt. It felt so bad that I was in constant shock over what had happened and honestly, I can’t tell you how many time I got close to dropping everything and running back to you. It’s unfathomable, Y/n, the kind of pain that I felt, Hanbin still feeling, knowing we did this to you. I couldn’t eat, sleep. I secluded myself. Every time I was beginning to feel happy again, guilt, guilt just override everything. The moment I found someone else, I couldn’t help but just think of how miserable you must be. Do you know what kind of relief I got when I saw you clutching onto Hanbin’s arm when I ran into you two on your 2nd anniversary? It’s like torrential downpour on my cracked dry, drought heart. Like the biggest weight got lifted off my chest and I could breathe again knowing you were happy with someone else. For once in my life I could be happy without feeling guilty.”

“I’m sorry…” The one thing that you will never forgive yourself was that you let Hyunwoo dealt with the heartache all on his own. Nights after nights you’d laid awake in bed, imagining what kind of horrifying pain he must’ve felt being in a foreign country all alone dealing with a break up but at the end of the day, you still fell asleep in the warm safe embrace of Hanbin. Hyunwoo on the other hand… You couldn’t even worked up enough courage for an apology. 

“No, it’s not your fault. We both decided on parting way and we both felt the pain of it. Sometimes, nobody is at fault…. Life is just cruel. All I’m saying is, be that relief for Hanbin. He’s all alone in that cold office. He’s a lonely man, Y/n. You were always that salvation to his “sad, pathetic life”. His words, not mine.”

“What?” You raise your eyebrows, wincing a bit at the sound of “sad” and “pathetic”. Why would Hanbin says such preposterous thing?

“We ran into each other in Japan and he spent all night just doting over your little quirks. His eyes light up anytime I mentioned your little habits and he’d exclaimed excitingly that you still do those things. There’s a lot of thing he knows about you that you don’t even realize. I know you already know this but the guy, he had been beaten up by this dog eat dog world enough. Let him be happy. He will never be happy again knowing you’re still hurting. If you don’t love him anymore, let him know so he can moves on. But I know you do. He’s your true love, Y/n. I admire the kind of love you two share. Let yourself breathe, babe. Just go. Go and be happy with him.”

With the last words of his well wishing, Hyunwoo gently lift you away from his shoulder and press a soft kiss to your forehead. He was grateful because you brought him happiness, even more now that you had brought him and Ella together even with your own loneliness looming like a big storm. All that needed for his world to be perfect now would be for you to be happy.

“You know what’s funny? He used to say the same thing about our love. He said we inspired him.”

Hyunwoo and you both chuckle at the strange thought that somehow your love inspired Hanbin to pursue you the way he did. Somehow out of all the fuckery life threw at you both, Love grew from the sadness of a broken first love. You sat there in Hyunwoo’s arms for God know how long musing over the strange way life played out, how at one point you were all strangers but now… Now you, Hanbin, Hyunwoo, and Ella all found solace in being an irreplaceable part in each other’s lives.

He wasn’t happy coming back to his company in a chaotic mess but it wasn’t anything Hanbin couldn’t handle. A part of him was thankful for the dire need for overtime as his weary heart can’t take much more emotional trauma. If there’s one thing he learned about this cruel business world is that it’s as cold as a polar bear’s toe is that there would be no need for him to “feel” when dealing with these pesky business ventures.

A pat on the back and a supportive squeeze on the shoulder from his dad signaling the crazy 36 hours overhaul had come to and end. Hanbin sinks down into the large leather chair finding himself wondering what you were doing at this moment, if you were eating well. The small clock on his wall ticks 11:30 PM as he hails a small breath of relief. He had gone straight into the company the second he left your hospital room and hadn’t left since. He barely ate, only shower out of the necessity of looking presentable to the other CEOs. The last two days were just a big blur of stumbling in and out of conference rooms. His eyes grew tired of the same beige wall and set of circular desk and chairs. He misses the calming pastel blue wall of your hospital room. It reminded him of the beach and he wonders if you knew, would you laugh at him for thinking such a weird thought. The slight hum of your bedside humidifier reminds him of the wave crashing the shore. Most of all, he knows just on that bed not too far away from his soft couch laid the brightest sun in his galaxy. He couldn’t help but grin like an idiot at the way your face so shyly sneaking a peek when you think he was too enthralled in his paperwork to notice. He was only partial to the idea of pushing the kiss onto you until he caught your silent school girl giggle one time when he had fumbled a donut onto his documents, twice, cussing at the round chocolate ring obstructing some very crucial numbers. Underneath the brooding tough girl in front of him was still the adorable little Y/n he loves.

It was only now that he realizes the lack of his personal phone as he reaches into his empty pocket to get a glimpse of your picture he still has as his lockscreen background. He had snuck it during an afternoon stroll by the river. Too busy fumbling around with change to pay the street vendor for some shaved ice, he failed to notice you had once again left his side and ran off to a cute herd of puppies. Dessert in hand, he turned around to only met with the empty spot you had excitedly hopping in when he said he’d get you food. He knew better by this point to really worry, instead, eyes searching for what could distract you away from him. When the sight of you squatting in front of three dogs, laughing away without a care caught his eyes, he couldn’t help but captured the way your bright smile seemed to put everything else to shame. 

Rushing down to his car, he feels his lungs constricting from the raging adrenaline, the pure needs of seeing your face. Hastily pressing in the passcode, his heart elates to see 4 messages from a number he knows all too well despite having deleted it from his contact.

[3:51 AM] Can we talk?

[3:55 AM] I know you must be sleeping. Sorry… I’m getting discharge soon.

[9:00 AM] It’s okay if you don’t want to. I know the last time we spoke, I wasn’t exactly civil… I just wanted to say a proper goodbye… It’s been over a day since you left and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to see me again. I just want to thank you again, for the best few years and for always being there when I needed most. I realized all I’ve done thus far is yell at you but never once thanked you for rescuing me. God know where I’d be now had it not been for you that day, so thank you. 

[6:25 PM] I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Goodbye, love. I wish you the best. I love you, always.

“Fuck” was all he could mutters before tearing out of the parking lot leaving a trail of scorched tire marks on the ground and the unpleasant scent of burnt rubber swirling around the empty lot. Racing down the silent hall, he earned a few ire shush from the nurses but his heart couldn’t be bother. With a scream of your name, he slams the door open only to be meet with compete silent. Eyes tracing every details of the immaculate room, a flutter of the wings of fear settles in his chest. He’s too late. The empty hospital bed neatly made and the mess of a duffle bag you had next to the night stand, gone. The only remnant of you left is the gold glint of the old worn out promises sitting lonely on the night stand.

His weight drops onto the floor as if his life and soul vacated, leaving their meat suit to fend for itself. Stammering “I’m sorry” repeatedly, tears flood the frail face. For the first time since he broke your heart, you truly see how far gone his heart had been. It was easy for you to blame the cold image of the guy that had ordered for your removal from his office but seeing Hanbin now, your Hanbin… You wish for nothing but take all his pain away.

He had torn your heart but at the same time, with his own hand, he pulverized his own. In his bruised chest, a void in place of what used to be a heart. He had done his work now it’s your turn. The sight of him so broken kills you. Softly tip toeing into the room shutting the door gently, small pitter patter make their way to the boy lost in his own black hole. You sit next to him but his eyes, dead, staring into space as if you’re merely a spirit. In that moment, aside from the heavy down pour from his eyes, the rest of him seems to be stuck inside a frozen pocket in time and space.

Suddenly, a sensation so wonderful, so warm radiates from his back. It stays in one spot at first but then glide all over his back, bringing the life back to the cold pale skin. It didn’t stop there. Like a ballerina, it twirls its way upon his shivering shoulders then to the barren face, it was only then he had realized, the girl he loves was trying to save him. You were there with those concern eyes and the small frown he had always thought was so adorable. Your hands upon his body, smoothing and soothing over every crack, every site that had been pricking like needle.

“Shh, Hanbin. Don’t cry, I’m here.”

You speak up so gently you weren’t sure if he had heard right. He had heard but wasn’t sure if this is just another one of the hallucination his mind made up to attempt at healing its host. You’re sitting so close to him, whispering comforting words. Like a person coming out of a coma, his eyes slowly flicker, following the movement of the hand that was now rubbing gently on his chest to ease his ragged breathing.

“I’m here, Hanbin. Don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”

You said it again, he couldn’t believe it. A reluctant hand meet the pink skin of your cheek, caging it while his thumb runs along the pair of lips he had dreamt of so many nights. A smile blooms at the contact of his finger onto your skin and he sighs with relief.

“It really is you… I’m not dreaming, am I?”

“You’re not, babe. I’m here. They needed to clean my room so I went outside to relax. Don’t worry, I’m here, baby.”

Desperately, his arms pull you into his body, nearly topple both of you onto the hard floor but he didn’t care. If he let go now, you would melt away with the wind. Or perhaps much worse, you would go back to the cold, and bitterness of hate, pushing him away. He has to hold you close, to never let go, just like you said he needs to. He had found his happiness once again and hell freezes over before he’d let you go again.

“Please don’t leave me, Y/n. I can’t live without you. I don’t care if I’m being selfish, I don’t care. I need you so bad. Please… I know I hurt you. I know because I was hurting too. I can’t sleep because when I close my eyes, my mind just takes me back to that night. Watching you cry, hearing you call my name, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t eat because, fuck, how could I eat when I know you’re starving yourself from crying for a useless fool like me. God, I thought I was too late. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t see your text an- and, your lugga- your luggages are gone. Whe- I’m not too late am I? I know you’re angry and everything I’ve done so far is unfair to you, to Hyunwoo. I just, I thought I was… I’m so stupid, baby. You have every right to hate me. It might seems like I can’t make up my mind, pushing you away then asking for another chance, like I’m hurting you on purpose but that’s not what I want to do. I’d much rather spent the last few months cuddle up to you admiring the ring on your beautiful hand than walk through hell. I thought I was letting you have the happiness you deserve. I’m so sorry. I regret everything I said.” He cried out with all the desperation in the world, all the heartbreak every soul on this planet had ever felt, he let it all out. 

“Shh, baby it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, Hanbin. I’m right here. I put my bags away so they could clean the room. I’m not leaving yet. We have plenty of time to talk things out, okay? I’m not angry.” You tried your best to stay strong for him but the wavering of your voice threaten to burst through. You want to cry. Cry because guilt cuts deeper than anything else could. Cry because he was here in your arms once again. Cry because he was begging for you to stay. Cry because you know you will stay.

“Please, Y/n. Please, baby. If I ask you to not to leave me, will you stay? If, if you stay, will you love me again? I just need one chance, just one, I can prove to you…” His thumbs rubbing the tear away from your cold cheeks, eyes latching onto any bit of emotion you were showing through. For once in months you weren’t angry… You were just, well you.

“My idiot Hanbin, I’ve never stop loving you.”

None of your word could relent the neediness of his hands, of his eyes, of his love. Like a child lost in the raging current of life, he clings onto your body like the salvation of a lifeline, the last bit of hope before he drowns in the harshness of it all. Understood, you sit still, head snuggles into the crook of his neck, letting him get high off of you. Arms tighten around his waist, you press a small kiss onto the slender neck, taking in his warmth as he does yours. His hand tangles in your hair, your fingers, your shoulders, your back, everywhere. Your craving of him rattles in its cage like a starving monster with him being so impossibly close that you could hear his heart beat. But right now, you need to put him first, let him have his moment. 

A small terrifying gasp left his lungs as you pull away, putting space in between the two hungry bodies.

“No, no, no. Baby, don’t leave. I need more. I need you…”

Fearful that the drought of his heart will no longer be grace with your rain, panic envelops his body. You remain close, sitting still in between his legs. One hand moving onto the dull skin of his cheek, you crack a small smile that eases his weary mind. His begging stop the instant your lips touch his in the most delicate manner, pressing colors of love back into his monotone soul.

“I love you, Hanbin.”

You murmurs against his lips with the best smile you could muster up and immediately feel his lips curl up in reciprocation.

“I love you so much, Hanbin.”

You repeat when the wetness drench your skin in the torrential downpour of his eyes. It was as if every prayer, every hunger, every thirst his body went through the last two months answered all at once, overwhelming every senses in his body. His face numb with your drug. All he could do was clutching onto the loose fabric of your hospital shirt while letting your lips work his into oblivion. You work gently and carefully, wary of the splitting cracks of his lips that must be stinging like thousands pricks of thorn. Soon enough, neither of you could be satisfy by the lightness of a few pecks. As if he read your mind, his lips part slightly, welcoming your own pressuring for a deeper kiss. Your soul relishes in familiar plush of his lips, the dominance of his tongue, the sweetness that he is. 

“Please, be mine again.” You murmur against his lips, giving you both a chance to catch up to reality.

Your words so small and simple but it restores his heart, mends his soul. Finally reeling in the reality of it all, he breaks away from your touch.

“Always. I’m always yours baby. Y/n is mine. Forever. I’d love that.”

Echoing the words you had said to him two years and six months ago when he first tie your life to his, he lets out a joyous sob. Mirroring his emotion, you wrap your arms around his shoulder, cheek rubbing onto his,  thankful for a second chance at love. No word could describe the feeling your soft touches are giving him at the moment. It simply feels like he’s among the clouds of his best dreams. Like any dream, reality rears its ugly head and this time it comes in form of a string of heavy cough shaking your body. The settling cold of night has once again gotten the better of your still recovering body. Hunching over in a fit of cough, you smile through it all. For once in all the days laying in this cold room, you know once again you can confidently grab onto Hanbin for support.

Holding your body close, he carries you off easily with your arms still clinging around his neck. Gently settling your tired body onto the unnecessary large bed, Hanbin made sure you drink enough water before pulling the cover over your body. Shuffling around awkwardly beside your bed, he suddenly overcomes with a sense of uncertainty. Even though his body still feeling like it’s on the best high, guilt begins to course through his every vein. He had been so overwhelm with emotion that his overloaded brain forgotten about the betrayal he had put you through. Now regaining his consciousness, he couldn’t help be be hesitant, scare of how to bring the past up without pushing you spiraling back into hatred. His dubiousness not missed by your eagle eyes. Although adorable, you couldn’t help but be a bit sad from the distance between your body and his. For as long as you could remember, he never had a filter for skin-ship. All his best friends complain just how clingy he is when it’s come to being touchy, how thankful they were you came along to take some weight off their shoulders. Totally opposite of his work demeanor - cold and calculated, around you he was as affectionate as they come - hands constantly feeling the need to be in contact with your body even if it’s just resting gently on your shoulder.

“Uhm… Can-May I?” Finally catching onto your scrutinizing eyes, he stammers in embarrassment, unsure of what to do with himself.

“What kind of question is that? If you insist on being a stranger with me then just leave. I really don’t need doubts and distance right now.”

Whispering a small sorry, he finally picks a spot nearby your feet, hands softly resting on your legs.

“You’re such an idiot, Hanbin.” Sighing in defeat at his cluelessness, you peel the corner of the large grey blanket away, patting the spot next to you softly before motioning for him to come over with two fingers. Swiftly kicking off his shoes, he carefully settles under the cover right next to your body. Instinctively, you immediately snuggle up close under his arm, head resting gently against his beating heart. Without missing a beat, his arms assume their favorite position around your body just as they always had.

“What I need right now is my boyfriend. My caring, loving, affectionate Hanbin. The guy that abandoned work to bring me soup when I came down with the flu. The guy that screamed he’s not mushy or lovey dovey but then clung onto me for a whole day like a crybaby after I came back from a long trip. The guy that willing to give up sleep to drive for hours just so I can see the beach. The guy that makes me smile just by blinking his beautiful eyes, melts my heart with a touch of his finger. I can’t stand you being so distant, so detached from me. I need my Hanbin back. I want my Hanbin… I deserve to get you back. I’ve been through enough… Don’t you think?”

Your voice trails off as sob takes hold. The flashes of his standoffish expression, cold manner replay in your mind like the worst nightmare that won’t go away. Even now with your body safe in his embrace, you still fear this is all just life cruel trick. Lifting you high before throwing your body crashing down once again. Without warning, his fingers nimbly secure your chin in their grasp, lifting your head up to meet his gaze. Your painful teary eyes transform into gleeful ones instantly when those soft lips crash messily onto yours, moulding itself against the curve of your own.

“I don’t fucking deserve you, not one bit. I must’ve been a saint in my past life because hell, I haven’t done anything in this life to deserve your love.” He murmurs against your lips before another round of thrashing of lips begin. His hands rough yet gentle at the same time, conveying the neediness you crave. His full attention focuses on making you feel at home, on taking all your worries away. He needs you to know he’s never going anywhere, ever again. You have him for as long as you want, this life and all the lives after that.

“But I will stay for as long as you need. I’ll be your servant if it means I get to worship at your feet every minutes of the rest of my pathetic life. I love you so much, baby. Whatever you want babe. I’ll give you everything if it means you’ll take my worthless self, let me back into your life.”

The intensity of his loving gaze set you ablaze with joy. The way he’s drinking in every bit of your features, longing for your touch even though he’s already holding you so close, lips merely centimeters away from yours.

“I love you, Hanbin. You don’t need to do anything, just staying by my side and loving me is enough.”

Finally parting touch out of bare necessity for air, his eyes glisten with newfound strength. Hands still tangles in the knots and strands of your hair, he whispers “thank you” incessantly before laying back down. Minutes then an hour past without much being said. Simple sound of kisses smacking and content sighs replace words that need not be say to be understood.

“Is this why you chose this hospital… because the bed is big? So you can crawl into bed with me when i’m out cold.” A devilish smirk on your tired lips, deciding you miss his soothing buttery voice. As much comfort as this blissful silent brought, you’d much rather listen to his incessant babble after so long of watching from the distant.

“What kind of person do you think I am, baby? I’m not that desperate.” He scoffs, although the arms tightening their hold around your shoulder said otherwise.

He places a kiss on your forehead, lips smirking victoriously at the sight of your small body flushing against his, letting him pet you however he likes. An air of easiness floods his lungs at the sound of your small giggle. It was something he took for granted. Having heard nothing but screams and cries the past few months, it was now a sound he vows to hear at least once a day. The best part of it all, it was him that caused that lovely sound.

“I’m pretty sure you are.” you insist, hand wanders from his toned chest to the tight abs. You’ve missed this. Cuddling was something you both love, perhaps even more than making love. The intimacy of knowing you could be so impossibly close without needing to resort to lust and biological urges is a high of its own.

“Fine but I only did it once, okay? And it was because I had to leave you. I’m not creepy like that. I just kinda held your hand and kiss you here and there. You know, whispering into your ears. Typical K-drama kind of scenes.”

“Ugh, Mr. Hanbin. Kissing and laying with someone without their permission, how could you. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.” You groan, scrunching up your nose feigning disgust at his confession.

“If I admit i’m a creep for you, will you stop teasing me?” he quips, fingers digging into your hip eliciting a loud yelp. Doesn’t matter how much you beg, his fingers never cease their banter. Your eyes dart hastily between the door back to his playful eyes, worries engulf you.

“Yah, stop. I’m gonna get scold by the mean nurse again. She already hate me enough as it. It’s all your fault too!” You groan loudly, simultaneously hushing his overexcited self.

“You little brat, how is it my fault if you’re an annoying patient huh?” His eyes light up in pure happiness watching you squirm under his touch, a smile broad on your lips.

“CAUSE! you left a big mess with all your papers and shenanigans. Then you keep storming in and out of my room. Ugh, you’re so annoying”

“Hey, how dare you call your boyfriend annoying. You’re so getting it now!” Shifting off, he hovers threateningly over your body, hands begin trailing down along your side and once you realize where they were heading, it was already too late.

 “No, come on babe. Not my freaking thighs, stop! Yes. Yes. as long as it’s for me.”

“I’m only a creep for you, Mrs. Hanbin. Happy now?”

‘Mrs.’, that was something Hanbin had always avoided saying. Not because he didn’t see himself marrying you but because he had always been scared of rejection. He was readied, so ready to take you with him for the rest of his life. Never once had he called you “mrs.” anything. Hearing your new title, the meaning, it rattles your heart with intensity of a 9 point earthquake. Playfully hitting his chest, your crane your neck to press a small kiss onto his awaiting puckered lips before laying back down.

“Baby?” Timidly, Hanbin awaits your response, unsure if he really wants to go dig a hole when everything feels so right.

“Yes, boyfriend.” You breathe almost effortlessly much to his delight. He loves the way you could make such a simple word impact his heart in such a way, evident by the brilliant smile tumbling from his lips. You stare back with delight glossing over your doe eyes and he found himself sadden. Sadden not because of what you said but because all this time, he could’ve just given you the ring, that none of this would’ve happen.

“I’m really sorry for all the things I’ve done. I know there’s no making up for it.”

“I know…” You whisper softly, index grazing along his torso. Feeling the gap increasing between you both even though you’re still stuck close to his body, you wiggle even closer. “I… I blamed you for causing all my pain but I realized, it must’ve been ten…no, thousand times worse for you. I won’t say it’s okay because honestly, it wasn’t. I can say this though, I forgive you and I need for you to forgive yourself if we’re going be together.”

“I love you so much.” He digs his face deep into the crook of your neck, feeling his large body somehow fitting so perfectly inside your small embrace. “I don’t blame you for hating me. Even as I was going through that night, my head kept screaming at me ‘fool, you need her. Stop now before it’s too late’. Even when you were being drag away, I just wanted to chase after you, pulling you back into my arms but I was so blind I thought that was the only way you’d be happy.” A bone crushing hug found its way around your body as he mutters out a muffled confession. He finally exhales after feeling like his breathing has ceased for so long. His body on cloud 9 as your hand rubs comfort back into his skin.

“Hanbin… I can’t say that I agree with what you did but I understand. You had my best interest in mind even if it meant throwing yourself away in the process. A man that can forget about his own well being for the good of his love ones is someone I can stand behind. My happiness is with you. What I needed from Hyunwoo was closure.” You smile at the thought of having two amazing men in your life that are willing to give and support you no matter what. How lucky can one person be, honestly. “We both had thought the reason we felt so guilty for moving was because there was still lingering feeling. Turns out, we just needed closure, to make sure the other person is happy.” It was true a small part of you always held back from loving Hanbin fully. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to or you don’t care. It was you couldn’t bring yourself to be truly happy when God know where or how Hyunwoo was. In the short few months of your love being absent, progress made further than all the years that came before it had. You both found peace with letting go of a love you once cherished so deeply. You both finally forgave yourself for moving on, for being happy. You finally get to close that chapter of your life properly.

“Thank you for always understanding me. There’s something I, I’m… I don’t know if I should but I just need to know.” 

“Anything, love.” You whisper with a kiss on his forehead, worries once again dances on the tip of your tongue. Should you shut him up with another kiss or let him voice his concern no matter where his question might lead.

“The doctor, they said you were unwilling to wake up… Di-Did you remember anything from when you were sleeping? Was, was it because of me? Did you dream about me? Was it because you don’t want to see me again?” He utters out the painful cluster of words, arms constricting around your body as if it being impossibly close to you would ensure he’d get the answer he hopes for.

“No, silly. I just thought if I wake up, I’ll lose you all over again. In my dream, you were smiling at me and I couldn’t… I couldn’t let go.” 

And hope you given him.

“I’m sorry. I promise you I will never leave you. I want to spend the rest of this life with you, then all the lives after that. I honestly don’t blame you if you wake up one day and decide to leave me. I deserve every pain in this world. If I were you, I would never forgive me.” 

“But you’re not me and I’m not going anywhere. I forgave you a long time ago, Hanbin. I figured if I can’t give you the happiness you deserve then I can at least help you… that’s why I wrote you the letter.”

“My happiness is with you, always had been, the second you knock me down on that street.” Finally found enough courage to look you in the eyes, Hanbin feels himself experiencing the very definition of happy as a smile was already on your lips.

“And mine, yours.”

Now that you were officially well enough to sleep without being constantly monitor by the watchful nurse or the plentiful beeping of machines, the room suddenly feel boring.

“Hanbin, are you sleeping?” You stare up at the serene on his resting face and found yourself smiling for no reason. He’s so handsome, more now than ever that you both spilled your hearts to each other without holding anything back.

“No… I can’t sleep without you imitating the machines to lull me.” You gasp, eyes blown wide open at his little confession. Many nights while Hanbin would peacefully rest on the couch, you’d find yourself making noises, beeping along with the machine or humming random tunes. It was a way to ground yourself to reality, God know how hard it was to stay away, to not just clamber atop his stilled body and fall asleep. Other times, it’d just to keep you company from the restlessness of having been sleeping all day long.

“Oh no! You heard that?” You rasp and Hanbin just chuckles. You could never stay quiet for long and he loves you for it. Always touching him or making cute random noises as you do the most mundane things. He finds your neediness adorable. You hide behind the palms of your hands before feeling kisses being place all over them.

“Yes, babe. I heard all the noises you made up. Light sleeper now, remember?” With his eyes still close, he leans further into your needy grasp before pecking blindly at the top of your hair, missing the target a quite a few times.

“Well…. Since you’re awake, wanna do something crazy with me? One last hurrah before I say bye to this place forever?” 

“Baby, we are NOT fucking in here. The door doesn’t even have a lock. People know me here. I can’t be having my parents going in for a check up and hear fleeting murmurs of my rendezvous with my crazy girlfriend. Uh uh.” You didn’t need to peek to know there’s a full blown smirk on his devilishly handsome face despite the minor protesting he’s faking at the moment. “Plus it’s 3 in the morning, get some sleep. We’re leaving the hospital at 11 tomorrow morning.”

“Come on, baby… You never let locks and fleeting murmur stop you before…” You whine and you know he hates it. “3 in the morning is exactly why I’m proposing we do this. No one comes by at this hour.”

“No.” A simple stern word hit you before he lets his eyes fluttering close once again. No way were you going to let this opportunity go as you climb atop his stiffening body.

“Please, Hanbin. I miss you… Please…” You beg knowing he would never last if you pull a pout on him. Now how to get him to open his eyes… A dangerously smirk found itself on your lips as you straddle across his torso, lips pressing softly up to his jawline as he gulps more time than you can count in a few seconds. “Technically we don’t have to do it here… I may or may not have found a safe spot in my many days spent in this place.” The second you finish your sultry laced sentence, his head shot up faster than you could even begin to imagine. Eyes wide, his mouth gapes wide open in the process of deciphering what the hell you mean by safe spot. Just as his eyes met with your pout, you hop off the bed and begin strutting toward the door pulling along the spare blanket that was once neat atop your bedside chair.

“God, you’re so crazy.” Left Hanbin’s lips with a shake of his head yet that mischievous smile tells you he was gamed. By the time he caught up, you had reach the door to the staircase with a suggesting curl of your finger calling him over. Sighing loudly as tho he doesn’t want to, he pulls his jacket over the loose  V-necked t-shirt that had been tempting you all night by revealing just enough of that flawless skin and enticing sharpness of his collar bones and neck. 

“Baby, how is the staircase safe?” he questions, taking your hand in his.

“Not here. I’m not crazy.” You jest, leading him up. His mouth gapes wide open in shock as if your proposal of fucking in the same hospital that he was born in, got his first cast on his arm after falling off his beloved horse, then stitching on his knee not too long after from a dirt bike, the very same one that his parents still frequent often is absolutely, completely normal but getting it on in the staircase is absolutely bonker. A strangled sound caught your attention as you reach out for his hand. He looks like a damn fish gulping air in and out as he struggles with the logical side of himself whether he should speak up or not. 

“Don’t you dare call me crazy, Kim Hanbin. We fucked in a freaking field before, and on the plane, and in the closet that one time you were bored out of your mind at the old men convention.”

“Can you not call my business party “old men convention”? Make me sound so unattractive.”

“it’s some lame party with a bunch of old dudes pretending they’re still in their primes and they have the perfect family, perfect marriage. but really they’re just happy their wives let them loose for once to mingle with other old dudes and like stare at my ass.” Your head twist around to sass at him. “ You know the only reason why their wives let them out right? So they can all huddle up in the corner of the party with their expensive wine that cost more than my apartment and talk shit about their husbands. Oh and they stare at your ass, and body, and face, and like everything else. Come on, babe. You didn’t even wanna go and you were the one that hosted the party.” You hop down a few steps to meet his level before leaning in for a simple sweet kiss on his lips. “Don’t worry, you’re the handsomest old man there. I won’t leave you even if some other old man was worth 10 times more drop out of the sky. No sir, I’m good with my old man Hanbin.” You scrunch up your eyebrows, shaking your head a few time just to emphasize on how much you enjoy teasing him.

“You’re lucky I love you. I swear, you’re so goddamn vexing sometimes.” He groans but did not refuse your hand pulling him along the steps.

By the time your feet had past the door of the highest floor, just 2 flights of stair above your floor, Hanbin finally caught onto your idea of a safe spot is. Judging from the darkening of his eyes and the smug grin on his lips, it’s fair to say he agrees. Soon enough you both reach your destination as the auto doors slide wide open, rushing fresh air to the dampen atmosphere of the mostly unused highest flights of stairs. Aside from the nurses and doctors hiding out for a quick smoke, you had figured out that no one ever go up here outside of lunch hours despite the well maintained area equips with outdoor heater and a numbers of picnic table for lunch breaks. Now that the inky sky had taken over for the day, no one bothers trekking all the way up here seeing how the elevator stopped two floors down, the last floor with actual patient rooms. 

“What do you think? Neat huh?”

“Okay, fine. It’s pretty nice up here.” Hanbin unwillingly admit although a smile bright on his face as he approaches the thick glass fencing that remains the only thing holding the  safe haven of the roof and the 15 stories drop onto the world below.

“I spent a lot of time here whenever you leave for work… something about it. Clears my mind. I just forget about all the messy relationship stuff when I’m here. It’s just me and my thought.” Your voice dips low as you take a spot next to his, back leaning onto the cool glass, eyes searching for any sign of stars above but all you could see was man made stars. “ I forget sometimes that you were gone when I’m up here. I found myself calling out to you then just break down crying when there’s no answer. Pathetic, right? All I had to do was kiss you but I’m too fucking stubborn to even do that but then I sit here and cry like none of this is my fault. I’m so sorry” Your eyes on your very own star now. He seems to be shining so brightly even though a frown was forming on the edges of those beautiful lips of his. His eyes dejected as he gazes down on the bustling world below, almost as if wishing he could just jump and warp back in time to stop himself from hurting you. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby… I started this.” He breathes so gently it’d have been carried away with the night breeze had you not been giving him your full focus.

“For screaming at you, for hating you, for everything. Please… Hanbin.” Your pleading left your lips weak, dismal but all the more sincere. “Please, don’t leave me again.” You were sobbing now and there was nothing he could do to stop you but pulling you tight under his arms, secure you in his needy grasp as he cries with you. For the first time since you woke up, you utter words of weakness and deepest desire, You could scream, you could hit him, cuss at him and while it hurt, nothing hurt more than to see you break down into fragile fragments of what left of his girlfriend.  

“It’s okay, baby. I’m never leaving, ever again.” was all he could whispers as the night cold paints you both with its brushes of frost. You both stand there, stealing each other body heat, bearing all the vulnerabilities of being hurt for each other to see. Your hands cling onto his back desperately under his jacket because even with the relatively thin material obstructing you from feel him, you’re still fearing he could just be another one of your figment of imagination, fisting up the material as tightly as you can just in case he’d dissipate if you let go. He says nothing but grabbing tighter onto your shivering frame because he knows you need this, he had his weak moment just letting it all go in your arms and now you need yours. He had long figured out that it would take all his life to earn back that seemingly unending trust you had for him because well, he gave you a taste of his disappearing act and what will stop him from performing it again. He gave you a taste of what your sunshine of a man could really do if darkness takes over, even if he meant well. He’s acutely aware that to you, the option of him just up and leave out of nowhere is all too real even if with all his heart and soul he’s certain, so certain that never again would he do it. He needs you too much, loves you too much to ever do something so hideously stupid ever again. It pains to even think he had done so much damage that your fear is that of him just walking away… again. You were the fearless one in the relationship. The fearless he’s thinking of here isn’t the kind that you possess as a strong independent woman he fell in love with, the kind that he admires so much. No, the fearless here is the one where you lead your relationship without ever worrying about consequences or being hurt. The one that whispered in your ear “yes” when he asked you to take a trip with him 2 weeks into your friendship even though you got no idea where you were going or even if he’s really is just a lonely sad boy who needed friend. The same one that encased you in its carefree embrace as he lead you toward the walk in closet at his parents’ mansion during the old man convention knowing how humiliating it would be if anyone were to catch the both of you moaning each other names as they walk by. You didn’t care, you trust that he would take care of you if such things did happen. The same one that stroked a laugh out of you as you both hand in hand jump off a cliff in some exotic island you can’t even pronounce the name off into the glistening blue ocean that would make aquamarine pale with jealousy even when you were scare shitless of the height. Why did you do it? Well because he would never endanger you in anyway. No harm would come to you, his promise that he upheld for so long until that night. The sheer shock and panic of going through that decision again in his mind rips him away from his reverie as he feel you calm in his hold. Suddenly the shadow of trepidation darken his body as his embrace constricts, letting him feel every dip and curve of your body and how you just melt into his touch, wiggling just to fit in with the tightening grasp. You’re so serene in the way your hand caressing the curve of his spine, face resting in the crook of his neck with your other hand over his heart. His urges too strong at this point to ignore so he pushes you off and chuckle at the strange cat-liked sound you produce, stupefy for a moment from the sudden movement. You stare deep into Hanbin’s eyes searching for any hint of uncertainty, any hint that he wants to hurt you again, push you away again but satisfy when you found none. He’s just your Hanbin again. The same one with eyes holding your whole universe, lips like the ripeness of all the best summer fruits this world could hold, and heart fresh like the first breeze of spring. He stares back and find all the answer to his life struggle as you crack a small smile, captivating him in a way nothing of this world could. Then almost too fast for human being, he’s already on your lips in a kiss with the fervidity of all those who lost but then found love again. It wasn’t the usual slow built kiss that remind you of the campfire that one summer spent at his cabin. It didn’t start of slow and dry like the tiny flickering flame of the smolder struggling to catch on. It wasn’t even the paced wet kiss of a newly born fire, latching onto any source of fuel it could. He lunges on you the burst of flame that comes with the added support of lighter fluid, of all the kindling he could possibly add in. His lips waste no time in pulling yours into the little pocket of space and time where only you and him exist. Hanbin tugs at your lower lips, nibbling, biting, smashing his lips against your all the way he knows how. The moment he feel you gasping under the pleasurable pain of his bite and the desperation of wanting more but also needing oxygen, his tongue breaches pass your lips getting straight to chasing yours. Hands tangle in your bedhead strands almost locking you in place conveying how much he wants to let you know he is never going to lose you, ever again. 

“Hanbin…  baby… table” is the most you manage to wrangle out before he already hoists you up making his way toward a table in the back corner, the furthest away from the entrance. He stays silent, never say a word but it’s not like he ever needs to for you to understand his intention. You shed your wrinkled up hospital shirt from hours of cuddling the second your weight got support from the wooden table below and he follows suit. By God, after so long of holding in the thirst for him, the sight of him standing there shirtless admiring you with pupils so blown out his eyes are almost pitch black is enough to make you finish then and there. Ever so caring, he wraps his jacket around your now naked body, shielding you from the numbing gaze of the night wind as he lets his eyes trace out all the part of you he misses so much. 

“You will be the death of me.” He breathlessly mutters out before resuming the fight for dominant over your lips, smirking at how easily you submit to you. His hand like a map guiding his lips to explore the temptations of your body. Still staring deep into your eyes, the soft pads of his fingers caress the sharpness of your collar bones before dipping down letting the flowers of love bloom brightly on your soft skin. A gasp struggles out from the thousands of small tingling shocks running, spreading from your skin deep to your core. Your fingers quick to make home in his hair, tugging and scratching, pulling him closer. “You like that? Letting everyone knows you’re mine?” He sounds so devilishly captivating and all you could let pass your lips was a breathless “yes” before kicking your head back, basking in the gratification of his thumb circling, flicking your nipple gently while his lips working on the other one. “It’s still amaze me how perfectly your breasts mould to my hands, just so perfect, all for me.” He took a step back, eyes scrutinize every part of your body the best way possible with his hand still kneading at your soft mounds, his jacket barely hiding the world from gazing upon your naked body. He dips back in, sucking at your skin, inciting fire at with ever pass of his lips before his teeth dig into the already crimson marks. The man knows exactly what to do to get you work up and before you know it, “all yours” already slips out into the cold air stroking his ego further. 

Both hands on your side now, he slowly trails them down, thumbs pressing into your sensitive skin as his tongue trail down from the valley of your breast straight to your belly button, not bothering to stop once until he reaches the forbidden place that only he has the key to. Hands holding your hips down firmly in place, he orders a stern “open” before diving straight into your more than willing spreading thighs. No teasing tonight as his tongue quick to the point in toying with your aching swollen clit. Your body curl up in the sudden floodgate of pleasure opening from months of drought only to have him grasping on tighter surely to leave marks. “Don’t you dare move, princess. I need a good taste first, then I’ll make you feel good. You want that, don’t you? I would hate to deny my princess that, especially after this long of waiting.” You nod furiously, hand holding down your thighs as if that really would stop the instinctive jerk of your body in response to his tongue flicking but then he stops, just staring up at you. “You waited for me right?” He looks so dangerous with eyes nearly all black from lust, a snarl threatening to spill from his lips, brows furrow driving his features into a cross of half smugness half anger, as if daring you to say no, to find out what kind of punishment would awaits you if you did. To his heart content, you nod yes. “Use your words, baby.” He grunts and you yelp out a loud “yes” to meet his victorious smirk. Something about the way he was praising you with the simple use of “good girl” had you rolling your hip onto his lips almost instinctively. You gasp, hand clasping over your lips in worry that you had just done something wrong, that he would deny you of your end but he only response with a dip of two fingers inside your body. You nearly cry from the sudden pleasure, back hitting what would’ve been the cold hard surface of the table if not for the jacket that Hanbin had so attentively wrap around your body. “Come on, princess. You wanted this, at least do my skill some justice. Let me hear you.” Your eyes shut tight, hand grabbing at nothing from the already intense stroking of his fingers. “Fuck, Hanbin… Please. It’s been too long, don’t tease me.” No sooner than your begging mess collapse backward onto the cold hard surface, a charming smirk and a breath of sigh meet your senses in their dance of allure. “No patient, as always. When will you ever learn that good things, very good things will come if your pretty little body can just hold out. No matter, we all know how much I love you begging anyways…” That cocky little shit, you thought, how he manages to put you in this dumfounded trance no matter what he does you didn’t know. What you do know is judging from the swift sound of the drawstring of his sweat untying, you’re about to get exactly what you’ve been asking for so if it means stroking his big, but not by any mean unfound, ego then you will. 

Both his hands found purchase around your jaw as he settles in between your legs, eyes holding an intense gaze, burning you with all his love and desire. A soft kiss finds itself onto your lips with a fleeting whisper of “I love you” drawing out your own smile as you return the favor. 

“Ready, baby?” He growls, breaths growing heavy with anticipation as yours hasten knowing exactly what’s about to happen.

With a gentle nod, that devilish smirk is back on his gorgeous features as he watches your struggle to cope with the sudden flood of blinding pleasure. A moan escapes your lips, face twisting up looking near in pain although Hanbin knows otherwise as his face takes on a similar expression. He hold himself still for a moment, letting your body acclimate to the familiar feeling of him filling you up so wonderfully and he with the overwhelming pressure of being so intimately connected to the person he cares so deeply about. He sighs in relief, overjoy as your scrunched up expression blooms into a blissful smile, eyes being force open to stare up at him. So delicately, Hanbin eases back out as slowly as he could without denying either of you the pleasure that’s buzzing fast across your warming skin. A near scream involuntarily rips from your throat as he suddenly thrust hard, hips snapping against your body with the surge of primal desire. 

“You’re alright, baby?” Ever the gentleman, even being lost within his lust, nothing could stop him from assuring you are perfectly safe and sound, happy when a ragged “yes” then a “harder, Hanbin” stumbles from your parting lips. “Anything for my lady.” he had said before all you could see was stars as his thrusts increase in both speed and strength. Six months, half a year of being away from you, of not being to experience your love, all of it is behind him. He collapses atop your jerking body, lips resume its exploration of your body all the while a grin play upon his delectable lips.  

“Fuck, baby. Your body is amazing. I don’t think I will ever get enough.” He grunts, hardly able to pass a breath as his senses overload with everything that’s you.

“Neither can I but please…” You huff out, feeling your end ringing close, sweat dripping down your skin even with the cold breeze of night. “… I’m so close, Hanbin, please… I-” 

Begging, begging had always been his biggest weakness, just seeing you so submissive, so willing to cater to his ever needs just to chase your own ending with those innocent eyes despite being fuck into oblivion. No sooner than your pleading whines left your bruised lips from the endless tugging of his teeth, a hand softly, and skillfully wrap tight around your craned neck having your breath hitches in excitement. His eyes darken further, an almost dangerous smirk burst out with life as he stares down on you threatening, daring to see if you were brave enough to break eye contact with him. The small gasps with your struggle to your meet long awaited high has his thrust pounding you into the hard surface and his grunts deepen. You needed your high to drop so badly and you could tell by the way his face twisting up so painfully pleasurable, so did he. 

“Begging like that… You’re lucky we’re no- we’re not at home because you’d be in so much trouble. Teasing me, riled me up then begging with those doe eyes of yours. We both know you’re just a devious little girl, playing me to get what you want.” Hanbin’s hand retreats from your neck to carding through your hair, grasping it harshly, lips near assaulting your own. 

“What are you gonna do about it, boss? I- I think you’re more bark than bite.” You stutter out as confidently as you could but with Hanbin’s teeth clamping down tight on your battered lips, tugging it as harsh as he could, your voice shuts up fast, only satisfying moans were left. 

“What were you saying, baby?” He pulls away, his thrusts messy as he peers down on you almost contemptuously with that shit eating grin of his, knowing he has all the power over you. Your eyes hide away, nails clawing at the cold table after a hard thrust, thighs clenching hard around his body. Hanbin himself is beginning to lose control himself, one hand neatly atop your breast groping harshly, the other pressing your convulsing body down in place, head thrown back as he tries his best to keep it together to chase your high. 

“Hanbin… Fuck… I-I” Ears ringing, eyes blinding, your mind’s befuddle no words would come out even if you try.

“Let go, baby. Let me help you through it.” His words soothe your whole body into nirvana,  your back ripping off the cold surface as a scream for Hanbin tear from your throat, chest heaving violently reacting to the waves of pleasure roughing up your body after so long. Your hands grip tight on the flexed muscles of his upper arms as he hasten his pace, pushing your limit as small burst of lightening buzzes through your body from the overstimulation. You want so bad for him to stop but you can’t deny him his well earned release. You lick your lips, fingers ghosting over your own nipples as you stare deep in his eyes. You moan to egg him on and moan because that’s all you could do to cope with how sensitive everything is, how far he’s pushing your abused bare sex. He couldn’t tear his eyes off of you even with his own high shutting down just about every function in his brain. Hanbin slumps over, hands grasping your shoulder tighter as he feels the coil in his lower ab tensing up with each thrust. One last grunt before his eyes flutter shut and warmth spread all over your sore, overworked inside. Ignoring the dead weight pinning down your body, your hands cup his cheeks pulling him close for one last fervid kiss before letting the lull of exhaustion carries you both to rest. 

Laying there in his arm, completely bare for anyone to see feel strangely comforting. Neither of you were shy when it comes to baring all for the world to see but this moment is breaching any limit you had set before. Even with the lack of the warm cover and soft mattress awaiting to serve your weary bodies just a few floor below, you’re perfectly happy in this moment with Hanbin flushing tight on your back, face nuzzling close to your hair.

“You know I was really jealous…” You speak up to break the silent that by no mean dull. You just miss hearing his voice.

“Hmm? Jealous of my friend?” A kiss finds itself resting on your disgustingly sweat filled locks that hanbin too kindly had said was still perfect even post sex.

“I mean, that’s obvious … I was talking about before.”

“Before?” He parroting back, humming in confusion. What had you got up to now.

“Like, before I confessed to you… I was really jealous. All those girls that rubbed up on you at parties, practically sexed  you in front of hundreds of people. I hated that I couldn’t be them.” You sigh at the thought of being back in that place, of not being able to love Hanbin so publicly.

“Was that why you were so grumpy all the time? That has to be the cutest thing ever. I made you so jealous that you finally decided to confess? Damn, if I knew all it took was me side eyeing other girls, I would’ve done that years earlier.” He suddenly exclaims with excitement as if it would’ve changed the sequence of life.

“Okay, don’t be haughty. i was so goddamn out of my mind jealous and pissed off that you weren’t looking at me and touching all those girls I near gave up.” With a flick to his forehead, you sass back and watch as hanbin winces in pain but a smile never left his lips.

“But you didn’t, and I can’t express how lucky I am. Thank you for not giving up on me… Even when I’m the biggest asshole in the world.” 

“You’re my morning cup of joe. Without you I’m nothing but a crankier, insufferable version of myself. You made me better.” So softly, your words bring out the brightest smile he could muster up as a big kiss meets your lips.

Something about post coital cuddle really gets to you in ways even the actual act of sex can’t. It’s just so intimate in the best way possible. You trust someone enough to let them fill you up with euphoria but to be able to just lay there and small talk, even just share a laugh, that show true love, true desire, and real trust. There you lay in Hanbin’s arms, smiling to yourself for being able to just listen to his chest heavily heaving. You curl up against his body, skin sticky, hair probably look like you haven’t wash it in ages judging from how it’s matting to your forehead. Hanbin as always, looking ethereally, glowing under the pale moon and the sight assaulting light pollution of the city. If only all those people in those planes could see you both, they would probably burst into flame from the sinful sight. Yet something about this silent of satisfying moans and heavy pants that’s just so beautiful. Little did you know, Hanbin had plan to make this moment all the more magnificent and lasting forever. 

“baby, I know- I know this isn’t the best time for this but…” He huffs out, hesitant on what words to use and how to not offend you. His hand dips into the pocket of his jacket inconspicuously, holding that small box that’s key to his future tightly as if holding onto a battery source, a motivation to encourage what was about to happen next.

“What is it, Hanbin?” Neck cranes, you did your best to decipher his hesitation, hoping whatever it is, it’ll continue this love-high you’re both on.

“Doesn’t this remind you of that summer…”

“You mean the one where you fucked me senseless in the field behind your vacation home?”

“Yes, yes but it was more than just fucking though, wasn’t it? At least for me it was so much more. It was the first time we really just let go of all our reservation and insecurities and just enjoy one another…”

“Of course it was just more than sex. It’s always more than meets the eyes when I’m around you. I still can’t wrap my head around how lucky I am to meet someone like you, Hanbin. I just, it’s beyond me. Thank you, baby, for everything.”

“I’m glad you feel the same way because that’s how I’m feeling right now. I don’t know if we haven’t been together for so long or that, that i’m just so elated to be with you again, to have another chance. My heart, my soul can’t even comprehend your present right now. It’s like you’re all my best dream coming true and you’re just laying here in my arm. You trust me enough to let me take the lead for so long and even after I royally fucked us both up, you’re still here. How are you even real, Y/n. I thanks God daily to let me have a chance to meet you, to love you, and for you to love me back. It’s more than anything I could ever ask for in life. When I’m with you, my money, my status, my company, none of it matter. I can’t even put in words my affection for you, my obsession, lust, desire, need, want, everything. I’ve never feel so strongly about anyone before in my life. If one day I fail at my job, lose it all, I honestly wouldn’t care because I know I have you and you wouldn’t leave me just because I lost all the dazzling part that comes with CEO Hanbin. You, miss, you love me even without all of that. After months of being alone I realize, whenever you ask me for things, it had always been my time, my love, or my affection. Never once did you ask me for material things and I can’t even say enough how thankful I am for that. When I look at you, I see my future. Future of just living in a simple home, spending our days together, visiting our parents, adopting pets, raising kids… I, that’s exactly what I want and I know it’s so crass of me to be asking so much of you especially after I took so much but Y/n, baby. I love you. I love you so much and would you do me the honor of marrying me? I would love for nothing more but to spend the rest of my life loving you, taking care of you. So please, baby. Marry me.”

“Hanbin, I-…” You wanted to scream from how happy he had just made you. God knows how long you waited for this day and after so much trials and tribulations, all the test of life thrown at the both of you, you made it. 

“It’s okay if you need time to think. I know this is a big-”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, Hanbin. Thousand, millions times over. Yes. You can ask me tomorrow, a year from now, 10 years from now, it will always be yes. I love you so much.”

Happiness doesn’t begin to describe the surge of emotion flooding Hanbin’s body. All he could do is what he always does, hold you close and just let you feel the beating of his heart. He has no words, all thoughts lost upon him as he presses a long time coming kiss on his soon to be wife’s lips. He had dreamed of this day, this moment ever since he decided to pursue you. He mulled over it many night of what kind of spectacle, extravaganza would he set up to make this moment as perfect as can be for you but this, God, this is so much better than anything he could come up with. There’s no flashy event, no showy materials things, no one else around but just you and him. Neither of you had ever let the monetary things in life get in the way of your love and this proposal was the most perfect thing for the simple couple that you both is. Just you, him and the contagious joy that was spreading lights into even the drab atmosphere of the hospital. Pulling back, tears still welling up in his eyes, he finally retrieves the box that had been resting in the jacket that was still wrapped tightly around your body, the box he thought he would never get the chance to use. 

“I don’t have the best taste in jewelry so if you don’t like it, we can get something else.”

“Kim Hanbin, you should know better than that by now. I love whatever you get and to be honest, even if you don’t get me a ring, I would still marry you. Like, you really think I’m gonna let you escape a second time? Hell no.”

“You’re so silly sometimes… Hand please, Mrs. Hanbin!”

“Uhm, I don’t think you can call me that yet, Mr. Hanbin.” You blink back a few tears, trying your best not to lose it then and there, screaming to the world just how happy you are.

“I don’t care, you always were my Mrs. even from the first second.”

“Oh my god, this is beautiful. babe, you didn’t need to get me anything exorbitant… I mean it is very beautiful and I love it.”

“I know, I just I was so happy when I went to pick out the ring that I got carried away… Only the best for my wife.”

“Hanbin. My husband. Forever. I’d like that.”

“Y/n. My wife. Always mine. I’m never letting you go.”

Thanks goodness the night wrapped up without a hitch as you both hand in hand brave the world as newly engaged lovebirds. Bundled up in the hospital blanket, you shied away behind Hanbin’s back, giddy from the thought that the groups of nurses dying for a smoke break that was now trudging up pass you could’ve walk right in the middle of your love making session had they decided to take a break just 20 minutes earlier. Your cold pale skin rosey from the overwhelming excitement both physically and emotionally as you both bowed back to the nurses. 

“Okay, missy. You can stop giggling like a kid now. Did you realize we could’ve got caught?” Hanbin grimaced, groaning as he tucked you back onto the spacious bed.

“I’m sorry… but I can’t help it.” Blanket pulled up to hide half your face to avoid further scrutiny from your handsome man, you pulled a pout that although he can’t see, Hanbin knew very well prominent on your face.

“I seriously cannot with you anymore, baby. Get some rest, I’m going to head down and reschedule your discharge time.”

With a small wave and a muttered of “be back soon” you let drowsiness overtook your senses as you watch him disappeared down the hall. Soon after, your prince returns, a serene smile on his lips as he watches your chest heaves gently, a glint of hope sparkling on your finger pulling a smile onto his lips, before shutting the door and crawling in right next to you. 

“Goodnight, princess. I promise to always be here.”

A sweet kiss to your forehead before the sandman works his magic over the room. For once in months, Hanbin finally sleep at ease.

“Hanbin, how is she?” Worries spill from Mrs. Kim the second she steps foot inside your hospital room, bag thrown aside carelessly as she hover, hands patting your cheeks and forehead slightly. The news of you staying an extra few hours travel fast, especially with her at the edge of her seat having seen you disappeared from her life once before.

“She’s well now. The doctors finished all their test last night and she’s clear to go home.” Hanbin smiles, albeit exhausted, still mesmerizing. His eyes couldn’t tear away from your still slightly pale skin from the long road of recovering, grateful that the rosy tone has slowly returning.

“They told me she was suppose to go home this morning, it’s 5PM. What happened?” Concern shakes the whole room as she approaches your still body, curling up so peacefully in a fetal position, fast asleep.

“Nothing… I kept her up late last night so we missed the discharge time.”

“What did you do to my daughter, Kim Hanbin.” Stern and straight to the point, Hanbin’s surprise his mom hadn’t gotten his ear under her fingers.

“We talked, a lot. About everything that happened…”

“And?”

“See for yourself, mom.” Hanbin chirpy, cryptic tone did nothing but making his mom rages with uneasiness. She follows the direction of his gaze, befuddlement darken the normally kind eyes. Even after a good minute of staring, she still couldn’t figure out what the hell her crazy son was talking about. All she sees is you quietly snoring away from probably exhaustion caused by her son. 

“Mom, come on. Look harder.” Hanbin groans, earning a glare from his mom. She shakes her head incredulously at his ridiculous antic before laying eyes on his hand that was now reaching out to yours. Intertwining fingers, he gently pulls your hand on his lap, presenting it like the most exquisite piece of artifact at a museum. His thumbs stroking the back of your hand softly, a smirk appears on his lips the second her eyes widen in shock the second that insanely magnificent piece of jewelry that officially puts an end to both your heartbreak shines bright in the sleepy evening sun.

“I, oh my. Is that what I think it is. Son, you better not be joking with me right now. I will kill you with my bare hand then bring you back so your dad can punish you if you’re lying right now. No!” She gasps loudly, stirring your restful form. Hanbin presses his index to his lips with a soft shush before hovering above your wincing features, planting soft kisses along your forehead and cheeks as he would whenever you get nightmare.

“It’s okay, baby.” He coos softly, free hand stroking your hair lightly as the other one still holding onto yours tightly, his mom couldn’t help but relax into a motherly smile as she watches her baby boy becoming a man, a gentleman just like she hope he would be. “Shh, baby. It’s ok, sleep.” A few more kisses meet your lips before a smile breaks out on your lips as you settle back into a deep slumber.

“Yes, mom. it’s exactly what you think it is on her ring finger. She said yes last night… We were up talking most of last night, hence the dela-” 

“Oh my dear lord. My baby.” Mrs. Kim lunges forward and before Hanbin could even reacts, she’s already planting kisses all long his cheeks. “Finally, you did something right.”

“Okay, thanks mom. way to make me feel like a loser.”

“No, no, no. No son of mine is a loser if he could right all his wrongs. I’ll leave you two love birds alone. This is the best news I have in awhile.” She teases as her gaze lovingly falls onto the object that just unlock a whole new life for her son.

Happiness can’t even begin to cover the mutual feeling share by mother and son as they gaze upon your drowsy form, matching smile on both their lips. Mrs. Kim rub circle on her son’s back, a mother’s comfort, letting him know that no matter what, Hanbin will always have her full support. A few more minutes of chatting and Mrs. Kim bid farewell to a still giddy Hanbin. Unlike her usual calm facade, she wears a bright smile on her lips, tone of voice could barely contain the excitement for the future of her growing family. 

“Mom, can you keep this a secret for a little while longer? I just want to have this moment between me and her for a bit… You know how everyone gets with the congratulations, and the questions, and the blah blah blah.” Hanbin muses over with his mom snuggle close under his arm as the pair saunter to the exit.

“Of course. It’s your news to share, take as much time as you two need. Lord know you both need some peace and quiet time to yourself. The last few months had been stormy and tumultuous to say the least.” Hanbin’s mom sigh rather than a heavy breath, it was filled with relief that the struggle had passed for her dear son and soon to be official daughter because let’s face it, you had always been a daughter in her eyes. 

“Thanks, mama. The Mrs. and I appreciate your discretion.” Hanbin grins widely, catching himself letting the new term flowing off his tongue so easily.

“Look at you, already speaking like a true married man. Don’t worry about anything, alright. Just take time to ease back into this. Now I don’t claim to have the most perfect marriage in the world. Close, but not quite.” Mrs. Kim chuckles a bit at her own boastfulness. “ Marriage aren��t always going to be a walk in the park and it shouldn’t be. You’ll fight, you’ll cry, sometimes things will be thrown but at the end of the night, never go to sleep angry at each other. After all the glitz and glamour of the world fade away, your partner is all you really have. Even your children will leave you someday but your spouse won’t. You both are about to embark on the longest journey of your lives so don’t feel like you need to rush because of other people. Who care what other people think and say about your relationship, as long as you’re content with yourself, that’s all that matter. Take all the time in the world until it feels right.”

With a parting hug, Hanbin watches as his mom drive off into the distant, nodding to himself, engraving her every word into his mind. Still stuck in cloud 9, he found himself just staring at the spot that his mom had parked a few moments ago before jerking out of his day dream. You’re waiting for him in the room and finally, finally he can just run in and pull you into his arms. No one can ever take you away from him, ever again. He has to right to be a smug bastard about being the only man in your life that could kiss you good morning and snuggle you at night. It’s all beginning to sink in faster than an anchor dropping at sea now that he has a moment of complete silent to think. You’re his fiancee. No joke, you’re really his forever. Internally freaking out, Hanbin screams off the top of his lung a loud cheer of happiness. His voice echoing through the empty parking structure with all its might, drawing attention to the now red as a tomato boy. He bows apologetically for disturbing everyone’s peace as he tear off into the hospital once more. Swinging the door wide open, he’s just stand there grinning at your still serene body curling up on the bed. 

“Baby, time to get ready to go home.” He sinks his weight onto the bed just next to you, pressing a big kiss onto your cheek and watches as you stir in your sleep.

“Hmm?” You response sleepily and Hanbin couldn’t help but giggle at your cat liked nature, curling up in a ball while pawing his pestering hands away.

“Let’s go home, sweetheart. You can rest more at home. I won’t get yell at for sleeping with you there.”

“Just a few more minutes, Mr. I’m tired.” You groan, rolling over to the other side of the bed to avoid his pestering. Sighing loudly, Hanbin mumbles a defeated “What am I going to do with you” before falling onto the bed, ignoring the nagging of his mind that he might get in trouble with the mean nurse again. You grin in happiness of just how much of a softie Hanbin gets around you as he snuggles close, spooning you tightly from behind.

“You know…” Hanbin suddenly speaks up, arms tighten even further around your body. “I’ve spent so many nights just sitting there, staring at this ring and wonder about the what ifs and could’ve been. I never thought this moment would be possible.” The gentleness of his voice like the most expensive tickling of ivories in your ears as his fingers ghost over your own, thumb rubbing the back of your hand delicately. “I didn’t think us was ever going to happen again but here I am with my beautiful fiancee in my arms. I think anything is possible, wouldn’t you agree?” That playful tone, he’s up to his cheeky business and you’ll be damned if you don’t join in.

“Hmm, rightly so.” You quip, taking your chance to glance back at the lovestruck boy with the glistening smile on his lips.

“So I think, if my beautiful fiancee… God, I’ll never get tired of saying that…” He pauses for a moment before a soft peck graces you. “If my girl wants another 10 minutes of sleep, that’s the least I can do right?” He jests with a small giggle, leaving you rolling your eyes at his ever unpredictable mood change.

“hmm… ‘s that right?” You yawn lazily, pulling the blanket over your shoulders before fluttering shut your eyes once again.

“Yea. You know, it’ll take me at least 10 minutes to finish the rest of your paperwork, pulling the car up, moving your luggage into the car, wait for the nurse to get a wheelchair… 20 minutes even. This way you get a few extra minutes of napping and I don’t get yell at.” He exclaims enthusiastically as if he had just found the solution to world hunger. “SEE! I am so husband material. Compromise is the key to marriage, I’ve been told. If only my VP and the board of directors see me now.” He hisses, no doubt rolling his eyes at all his employees, dreaming about sassing them on compromising 101. “And they say I don’t know how to compromise because I’m stubborn as a bull.” 

“Is that what it is, compromising? I think you’re so whipped for me that you’ll do anything. It’s okay, Mr. Let’s go home before we both get yell at cause let’s face it, if we do, I’m using my sick patient in the hospital card and throwing you under the bus.” You feign a few small coughs and he rolls his eyes for the blatant betrayal already even before you tie the knot.

“Shhh. It’s compromising for my lovely wife, okay? And no can do, Mrs. Lay back down. I made my plan and I will see it through.” Honestly at this point, you’re wide awake but decided to entertain his playful antic anyways. After all this time, he deserves some joy, especially deserve to have his way with you back. Truly, you really just want to soak in all that attention he has to give even if all the days after, you’d be side by side until time dies. You watch as he fumbles off the bed, limbs tangled in the blanket before he shoots you a teasing wink and huffs off down the hall to the nurse station. 

The gentle heat of a blush creeping onto your cheeks at the realization that Hanbin is yours, for all eternity, it will be just you and him. Finally you could watch him walk away without feeling your heart being tear apart and it’s the best feeling in the world. Whatever happens now, you know your dear husband will surely shield you from it all as you vow to protect his heart for as long as you both shall live. Whatever happens now you can breathe easy knowing never again will either of you walk along the shadow path of loneliness and that’s enough for you. Whatever happens now, just Hanbin will be enough. 

Part 1 | Part 2

[leftfics]

It’s One of Those Days

Dream Daddy, VegaMarch fic. Rated T for sexual suggestion (there is nothing explicitly sexual or intended). WC: 2532

AO3 Link

“Nah, nothing’s wrong. I just… wanted to make sure. Nothing big happened today?” Lucien cautioned. “Not a thing, son.” Oh. Lucien thinks he understands now. It’s one of those days.

He heard the jingling of keys, the muted crack of the door, and then the dragging of feet. Lucien was on the couch, scrolling through his phone as his dad returned from work.

“Hello, Lucien. How was school?” came the rehearsed question.

“Fine, dad,” came the automatic response. But something about the way his father merely hummed, dropping his work bag soundly by the foot of the stairs, pulled Lucien’s attention just the slightest. “How was work today?” he cautioned, “Everything go alright?”

“Yes, of course. Nothing particularly eventful transpired today,” Damien replied as almost a question. Lucien was still wary about that answer. His father sounded sincere in saying nothing upsetting had happened, yet held himself with a stature that suggested everything but.

“You sure? Kevin is giving you space? Leonard didn’t try to fix something out of his pay grade again, did he?” Lucien sat up on the couch, looking over the back of it to see Damien standing listlessly at the kitchen island.

“No, not at all. In fact, most of the troublemakers were quite docile. Sharnelle from work even brought donuts in today. She saved the dairy-free one for me. Why? Is something wrong, son? It’s rare to see you so invested in my boring world of computers.” Damien cracked a wry smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Nah, nothing’s wrong. I just… wanted to make sure. Nothing big happened today?” he cautioned.

“Not a thing, son.”

Oh. Lucien thinks he understands now.

It’s one of those days.

Quickly, Lucien tapped out a text. Locking his phone screen, he hopped off the couch to go to his dad. He righted the slumped-over work bag, slipping out Damien’s water bottle to place in the fridge. Keys went swiped off the dining table and placed in the bowl by the door.

“Did you eat yet, dad?” Lucien already knew the answer, walking over to the pantry to search for a few ingredients for some classic comfort food. “I was gonna make pasta for tonight.”

“Thank you, dear.”

Lucien frowned just the slightest, away from Damien’s line of sight. His father was wearing out fast. These noodles would need to cook accordingly. Damn, why can’t water boil right away? He broke the pasta into the water, covering it loosely before turning around to see Damien sitting at the island, gaze a million miles away. It didn’t seem that his dad was going to snap out of it any time soon, not on his own.

Remembering how his father occupied his free-time in the past few days, Lucien silently slipped upstairs to the library in Damien’s home office, shuffling through the books that were strewn across his desk. Lucien scanned the titles, finding a crinkled paperback, pages soft with use and bent just the slightest from every read. Oscar Wilde’s A Life in Letters. It was safe and something his father could read on even the worst of days.Especially on his worst days. Damien could probably recite every entry by now.

Lucien jogged down the stairs and slipped the book near his father, barely sparing Damien a glance as he went back to watching the pasta.

“It’ll take about half an hour,” he said in lieu of explaining himself.

The only sounds in the kitchen were of the bubbling water and scuffs of wooden spoon against a metal pot. Lucien wouldn’t have been worried on a regular day, but this wasn't one. Lucky enough, he heard their sliding door click about, signaling that someone was coming in.

“Hey Lucien, hey Damien,” Ernest greeted, toeing his muddy shoes off and tucking his bag underneath the island.

“Oh! Ernest, I didn’t realize you were coming over, dear boy. Let me get you a snack, do you want something to drink?” Damien shot upright and went for the fridge but a pale hand stopped him.

“Don’t sweat it, dad. Ernest is my guest. I’ll handle it.” He turned to the smaller boy. “You want anything, bro? I’m cooking pasta, it’ll be done in a bit.”

“Nah, I’m fine man. I can wait.” Ernest sat at the island adjacent to Damien, pulling his laptop out of his bag. “Hey Damien, do you wanna listen to this track me, Sita, and Pablo have been working on? I was gonna show Lucien but, uh, you can listen if you wanna. Or whatever.”

“I would love to, darling. You said you collaborated with Carmensita and Pablo? What project is this?” Damien certainly sounded interested, but Ernest could tell that behind his eyes, the man was using up what little energy he had left to be invested. Damn him.

“Sita’s dad was talking about getting some new ambiance music for his store, he asked if we wanted to help out. I’m more of a lyric guy, but Sita and Pab looked really excited so I agreed to collab.” Ernest tugged at the edges of his hood, looking away from Damien’s inquisitive eyes.

Lucien had asked him to come over and help cheer up his dad. Ernest liked Damien enough, and he’s been over often, even a healthy handful of times where Lucien wasn’t in the house. Damien was as much Ernest’s friend as Lucien was, and if there was anything Ernest prided himself over, it would be how much he cared about his friends.

“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.” It wasn’t Wonderwall.

What came out of the laptop was low synth, some expert guitar picking, and what sounded like a record crackling. Eventually, a steady, jazz drum beat kicked in, adding a bit of pop to the mix. There weren’t many lyrics, but what was there sounded like a sound clip from some classic Hollywood film. Casablanca, Damien thinks.

“This is beautiful, Ernest. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything quite like it,” he hummed.

“Thanks,” came the mumbled reply.

Overall the music was incredibly calming, washing over the still, late Thursday afternoon. The three of them were a regular Edward Hopper, locked in a moment of time. Lucien was watching the pot, Ernest was working on some homework, and Damien was glossing over his book.

Ernest shared a couple looks with Lucien, glancing quickly over at Damien to assess the situation. He wasn’t completely sure what to do in times like this and Lucien was being no help.

“Are you in a talking mood, Damien?” he asked.

“If there’s something on your mind, son, you needn’t hesitate with me.”

“No, it’s not that. I’ll talk if you wanna talk. I don’t have a ton to say, but I’m, like, being considerate and shi—uh, stuff.” Ernest threw a glance to Damien before darting back to his paper. Damn, he hated math.

“I’d like to hear about your day. Unfortunately, I can’t guarantee I’ll be a very good conversation partner.” At least Damien was being honest with himself.

“Yeah, I can do that. Uh, lemme see. So dad dropped me and Lucien off at school. Lucien went to his early class, and I hung out with some people at breakfast in the cafeteria. Sita came in later when breakfast was about to end, OH, but it’s okay! ‘Cuz she had her pill speaker with her! And…”

Lucien stopped listening for a second to pull out his phone, scrolling through his contacts to find the last piece to their puzzle.

Wrestle Dad

L: hey are you out of the school yet

H: ? Yes, I just came home. H: It’s quiet, is Ernest with you?

L: ye he is. im making pasta for dinner, you should come over too

H: Is something wrong? Are you all okay?

L: we’re fine. nothing bad, don’t freak out, hugo. it’s just dinner

H: Alright then, I’ll be there shortly. Thanks for cooking, do you want me to bring anything over?

L: np. bring garlic bread if you guys still have some. dad doesn’t eat it, but regular humans do

Read 5:36pm  

“... so the bell’s about to ring but I can’t stop dancing now or I would lose! But Sita just picked up her speaker and started walking down the hall to her class, so obviously I had to follow her, but I couldn’t stop dancing. I ended up walking all the way to her class, but I finished the song just before the bell rang. Then I had to run out and get to my class before the teacher got angry. It was pretty funny, and I got five bucks out of it.” Ernest continued.

Lucien started draining the noodles, half listening to Ernest, half trying not to burn himself as the steam came up and fogged his entire face. He placed the noodles into the sauce and stirred the carbonara thoroughly, complete with his favorite greens and a healthy serving of vegan meatballs.

“Food’s done,” he called, nodding at Ernest to get him to help set up the table. They moved over to the dining table to set it all as the sliding door clicked again, signalling Hugo’s entrance.

“Hello everyone. It smells great in here, Lucien,” he greeted, slipping off his shoes and heading straight to Damien. “Good afternoon, love. How was work today?” he asked into Damien’s temple, leaving whisper soft kisses there.

“Uneventful, dear. I received a donut, although.” Damien turned his head slightly to plant a welcome kiss onto Hugo’s lips, wrapping his arms as best he could around the teacher from their position.

“Sounds eventful to me, cariño,” he returned somewhere in the region between Damien’s mouth and his chin.

“Disgusting!” Ernest fake gagged and Lucien placed his hand over Ernest’s eyes.

“Fathers, in front of our salad?”

“There’s no salad on the—”

“Think of the children! Of the pasta.”

“Alright, you two, knock that off. Overdramatic children don’t get garlic bread.” Hugo waved the tupperware of reheated bread menacingly at the kids, unwrapping himself from Damien but leading him to his seat, all the same.

He could tell immediately why Lucien had given him the impromptu invitation. Damien was wilting when he came in. Hugo held his hand as he took his seat next to Damien, squeezing it gently but making sure not to have a hint of pity in his eyes. He wasn’t sad for Damien, he just wanted his boyfriend to be happy again.

They ate at their normal volume level, minus one voice. Damien chimed in the best he could, but as it was, he was running on reserves. Not even his portion of the meal was as big as it usually is.

Days were discussed, teasing remarks thrown back and forth. It was normal, comfortable, almost routine. Most importantly, it was safe, it made Damien feel safe, having his family all in one room, the grounding presence of Hugo’s hand on his. His energy might have left him, but so were the clouds fogging his mind.

After dishes were cleared, the Vega boys offered to clean up, Lucien retreating off to his room and Damien still sitting where they had left him. Hugo caught that thousand-yard stare and turned to snap Damien out of it.

“Go upstairs, hon. I’ll meet you when we’re finished down here,” he punctuated with a soft peck under Damien’s jaw. He received a nod in reply, watching with sad eyes as Damien slowly made his way up the stairs.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Ernest asked quietly, focused on the dish at hand.

“Of course, mijo. It’s not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last. The important part is that we are there for each other. Damien has always helped us, even from the day we first moved here. I can only hope that one day we can repay him.” Hugo sighed as he continued scrubbing a bit of dried pasta stuck to the pot.

“Damien likes us, doesn’t he? Then I think we’ve repaid him plenty. But I still like doing nice things for him and Lucien. They’re, like, our best friends.”

“They really are, kiddo.”

After the dishes were complete, Hugo dried off his hands and climbed the stairs to get to Damien’s room. He entered, seeing Damien sitting at the head of his bed, knees pulled up and gazing straight ahead. The only reason Hugo knew Damien acknowledged him was because of the slow turn of his stare and the faintest uptick of his lips.

“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get you changed into something more comfortable.” Hugo approached Damien, gingerly picking up his hand to lead him onto his feet, slipping the glasses off his face. He started by shuffling through the drawers and finding some loungewear for Damien.

First, Hugo slowly began unbuttoning Damien’s polo, untucking it from his jeans and lifting it over Damien’s head. Immediately, Hugo leant up to kiss at the crook of Damien’s neck, trailing onto the strap of his binder and ending at the edge of his shoulder.

The binder itself was the next to go, Hugo gingerly peeling it off, trying not to move too roughly. Hugo trailed his hands down Damien’s ribcage and rubbed gently, helping the muscles acclimate to the lack of confines. He turned Damien around and massaged at his neck and back.

“Does this feel okay, love?” he whispered onto a pale shoulder.

“Perfect, my dearest,” Damien hummed back, lolling his head to one side. Hugo definitely took that opportunity to cover his mouth onto that spot.

He grabbed the shirt he picked—one of Hugo’s own, actually—and threaded it onto Damien. The messy ponytail on Damien’s head was carefully plucked off, Hugo regathering hair to put it into a loose bun.

From his position behind Damien, he slipped his arms around Damien’s waist and went to pop the button of his jeans as he rest his chin on the taller man’s shoulder. Once unbuttoned and unzipped, Hugo placed a finger on the waistband of Damien’s boxer-briefs as a way of asking permission.

“Would you like me to take it out?” he whispered gently, stroking across the waist band. He felt Damien nod his head, and that was all Hugo needed to quietly take out his packer, setting it aside and then helping him step out of his jeans. Hugo bent down to help loop Damien’s feet through his lounge pants, stopping to kiss at the tops of Damien’s thighs as the pants were pulled up, cinched around the waist.

“Do you need anything, cariño?” Hugo let his lips ghost over Damien’s lips, chin, jaw, and throat, waiting patiently for an answer. His hands were at Damien’s hips, tracing soft, warm circles with his thumbs. He was almost worried at how long it was taking Damien to answer, but at the feeling of two arms coming up to wrap around his shoulders, Hugo relaxed.

“Hold me, my love. I just want to hear you breathe.”

Hugo led them back to the bed, still on top of the covers but snuggled close together. He had Damien’s head on his chest, the both of them curling into each other. Hugo’s free hand came to rest on Damien’s back, swirling around in meaningless shapes. His lips were firmly planted on the crown of Damien’s head, and he listened until their breaths were in sync.

“For you, mi amor, anything.”

[sweetteapauldee]

After eight weeks of pregnancy, I could not take another milestone picture like the ones above.
On March 28, 2020, my monthly friend did not visit. I waited for five whole days before I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I were being lazy on a Saturday, and I casually mentioned we should go out and buy a pregnancy test. He was shocked and thought I was joking, but I knew I was pregnant in my heart. We were just one month away from approaching one year of marriage, and this was the perfect gift. We went to the store and purchased multiple inexpensive tests, and I came back home, took two, and waited on the results. Instantly, two lines that indicated I was pregnant popped up. I gave him both tests, and he was the happiest I had seen him in the five years we have been together. So, first, we thought about who we could tell. Well, our parents, of course. We invited his mom and aunt over and handed them the tests, and their reaction was priceless. They jumped up and down, screamed for joy, and hugged us both. However, his mom insisted we get a more reliable test. So, my husband and my mother-in-law set out to buy more tests.
When they returned, I took two more tests, and that was all the confirmation that we needed that Baby Williams was coming in 2020. My parents live about 1 hour, and 15 minutes, we hopped in the car again and got on the road to deliver them the good news. We arrived at my parent’s house unannounced they were confused at first, but happy to see us. We started chatting, my husband was smiling ear to ear, so we showed them our bag of tests, and they were sooooo excited. We discussed names, and my dad was super delighted to hear he would get another namesake (other than myself) if I bore a baby boy. We went back home happy as can be and cooked dinner that night. The next morning, we went out to get prenatal vitamins and healthier food options, because we were determined this would be a great experience!
On Monday morning, I called my gynecologist’s office, scheduled my first prenatal appointment, which was nearly a month away. I was concerned as first, but the office assured me this was normal, and they gave me all the new rules/precautions because of COVID-19 (our nation other parts of the world are in a pandemic state due to this new virus). 
Examples: My husband could not come with me to experience my first prenatal appointment. Have a mask on, or you will be provided with one.
I also called my insurance provider to notify them of my pregnancy. They offered to enroll me in a Motherhood Management program because it was my first pregnancy, and a Nurse Practitioner would send me articles and call me biweekly to check-in. I could also call them if I had questions about my new experience.
A few weeks later, I was off to my first prenatal appointment. Nervous, yet excited. I got dressed (put on a new dress, makeup, and styled my hair—something I had not done in months due to working remotely because of COVID-19). If you know me well, I always wear a new outfit for a memorable experience—I buy a lot of clothes. Haha. When I arrived, I was met at the door by a medical assistant (MA) that checked my temperature and asked me if I had a fever or traveled out of the country in the last 14 days. My answer to all those questions was NO. I had on a surgical mask; the MA offered me another. I tucked the new cover away in my purse and then checked in for my appointment. I wrote my name down, assured the front desk my address or insurance provider had not changed, and she told me I’d be meeting with a doctor, I wasn’t familiar with him. I knew I was scheduled to see my regular doctor, but I was anxious to know if my pregnancy was going well. I saw the stranger danger (I’m joking, of course, but I would have felt more comfortable seeing my usual doctor, who were familiar with my struggles with obesity and fibroids—we’d also discussed a pregnancy plan in February). The appointment was a struggle for the beginning. I went in for an ultrasound, and since I had fibroids, I was used to getting pelvic ultrasounds to measure fibroid growth, but this time was different. The technician counted fibroids and then pointed out the pregnancy; we heard a heartbeat and printed out copies of the ultrasound for me. Then I met this new doctor, who came in and announced I was pregnant. Well, I already knew that, sir. He performed a pelvic exam, saw a little concern, but told me it was probably from a subchorionic hemorrhage, but since my cervix was not dilated to keep an eye on it. My husband texted me the entire appointment wanting updates and asking questions. How I wished he could have been there in person. I was already worried about possibly miscarrying because statistics show 85% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester. But I came home with hope and continued working remotely and taking an online class. 
After my 4th Zoom meeting of the week, on a Friday, I got up to use the restroom and saw concern. My husband had just gotten home and was about to shower. I asked what do you think I should do, we Google, called my doctor’s office (they were closed, and the answering service was acting janky), and made a few more calls and decided to go to the ER. Again, I am met at the door with questions and people wanting to take my temperature. I fill out a form, and I am immediately taken into triage. I explain the problem I am having, and I am taken into a room. The doctor on call comes in and preps me with a miscarriage speech. We took lots of tests, and I was taken for two more ultrasounds, I asked the technician a question she was not allowed to answer. At that moment, she tells me a comforting story about one of her pregnancies, and I am taken back in the room. Twenty minutes later, I am escorted to my car to get my charger to keep my husband updated—and the doctor comes back in to tell me I suffered an incomplete miscarriage. At that point, I was scrolling through Facebook, leaving a comment on my friend’s picture, as she and her husband had just made their pregnancy public. I cried. The nurse brought me Kleenex and asked if she could do anything else for me; I told her no. She brought me a folder with two print outs explaining what an incomplete miscarriage was, and I drove myself home. My husband and I pulled up to our apartment at the same time. We hugged, and I cried a little more. We went upstairs and decided to come back out and get some food because I had not eaten since breakfast. We told our parents the sad news—They tried to be positive, and I appreciated that.
After the weekend, it was time to celebrate our 1st anniversary, and we made it! My husband brought roses 🌹 home while I was out grocery shopping to prepare for a COVID-19 anniversary dinner. I was surprised when I got back home, and they were on the table. That was sweet. Later that day, we went out to get cupcakes (any sweets are my favorite) and my absolute favorite flowers, SUNFLOWERS!!! 🌻 We ate a nice dinner and talked about the heck of the weekend we had, but still blessed to be celebrating our anniversary. 
Later in the week, I had another appointment, and since I had an incomplete miscarriage, I had to decide how to pass the pregnancy with the doctor. The less invasive way seemed to be medication, so that is what I chose. After a hell of a day of announcing Student Affairs Division Award winners and completing my Facilitating Career Development presentation– I went out and got lunch. I told my husband he would have to assist me with this process—we did it. He also went out and got me pain pills to help. I took the first round of meds, and then, I set the alarm to take the second round. The pain was manageable—but the types of undies I had to wear were not, lol.
I felt pain for like another week, and I finally passed my pregnancy. That Tuesday of passing the pregnancy was the worst pain I had ever experienced—worst than my degenerative fibroid from two summers ago. I could not even eat my dinner, which consisted of wingettes, and those are my favorites if you know me well. My husband knew I was in pain because I push them to the side and got in bed. After passing the pregnancy, we talked about it and went out to get donuts. If you know us, you know we like to eat. Friday was the first day I felt like myself. I went for a steam and did some grocery shopping. This month has been hard. I tried to write in my topic journal and could not find any reasons to be grateful. However, I am thankful to share my story. I am grateful for my parents, mother-in-law, aunt-in-law, and husband.