#my favorite unhinged shopkeep

[elliesgaymachete]

I would like to manifest they check in with MARWA while they’re back in Jrusar PLEASE

[minkdelovely]

kinktober — day III

prompt: lingerie

mirror, mirror

“like seeing shooting stars  in the sky there’s danger in the dark  of your eyes”

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

Alastor x Lucifer ; RadioApple ; MDNI 18+

tags/warnings: human au, age gap (lucifer is fifty, alastor is mid-thirties), non-sex-repulsed alastor, luci is a bummed divorcé, alastor is an attentive salesman, unhinged peter mention, rimming, anal fingering, prostate massage, dom!alastor x sub!luci vibes? 🪞✨

word count: 4.8k

summary: lucifer, fresh off a finalized divorce, wants to buy himself a present, but is pretending to shop for his now ex-wife as a cover. alastor, the shopkeeper, helps to curate the perfect gift.

author’s note: hello my little devils! i hope you’ve been enjoying kinktober so far, and i am here to humbly offer up my first piece of the month. this is also my first attempt at a human au, and i had a lot of fun with it. i love making luci up into a pretty, rich suburbanite hehe quote is from lightning by charli xcx

coven: @fraugwinska @hazelfoureyes @macabr3-barbi3 @sugoi-writes @synamartia 🕯️♥️

the coven’s kinktober masterlist

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Lucifer was sat at the patio of a cafe, killing time. His latte had gone cold at least twenty minutes ago. The foamed milk had dissolved and oil from the coffee beans left a reflective film on the surface that turned his stomach, while his fingers anxiously tore at the delicious (and overpriced) pain au chocolat he had ordered with it. He was alone, but that wasn’t unusual these days. 

Or, well… for the last couple years, if he was being honest.

The divorce had been finalized a month ago, but his marriage had been colder than his coffee long before that. How Lilith hadn’t walked away sooner than she did at the top of this year was a mystery, considering the winter their marriage had become. Their split had been colder still. Dividing their assets with an aloof disinterest that never failed to spook their attorneys, who were much more accustomed to — and delighted by — bloodbaths.

My bitch of a mother-in-law is warmer, his own had quipped through a plastic smile. And she’s been dead for five years!

Lucifer paid it no mind. It was none of Peter’s fucking business how the rift between him and his wife had gotten as wide as it had. Their interests and careers had pushed them further and further apart with every one of Charlie’s birthdays, every anniversary. Until the gap was simply too far to bridge. 

A Gap Too Far, one could call it. 

A huff of a laugh rattled his petite frame, and he shook his head at the lameness of the joke — though it would make for a decent porno, and he was partial to Historical Fiction. The wry smile on his lips was the first to grace him all week. But he wasn’t here to wallow in self pity in view of the general public. There was plenty of time to do that at home. 

Lucifer eyed the boutique across the street, his pulse jumping as he watched a man approach the inside of the display window and flip the elegant wooden Closed sign to Open.

He had noticed the place the last time he and Charlie came here for some retail therapy. This street had always been a favorite destination of hers, and Lucifer would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it himself. It was like if Rodeo Drive had gone Coastal Grandma. Spanish style buildings with crisp white exteriors, hand-painted shop names, and espresso tiled roofs. Tree-covered patio dining at nearly every restaurant. Serenely picturesque, albeit a bit uppity. It was a bitch-and-a-half to find parking, though.

They had shopped for hours until eventually capping the day with some gelato before making the forty-five minute drive home. In short, it had been a perfect day. As was typically the case when he was spending time with his daughter.

The lingerie shop had replaced a different store — one that Lucifer couldn’t really remember. Before a couple months ago, it had been nearly two years since the last time he was here. Point being, he was just really glad the place was still there and he definitely would have noticed it before.

The guy inside didn’t hurt, either…

Lucifer had seen him through the window as he and Charlie walked past to get to the record store across the way. It was a brief meeting of eyes, but earth-shattering all the same. Lucifer would never forget how the body shiver left his hair on edge, like he had just passed through a cloud of static. Those warm hazel eyes, dazzling smile, and handsome face all but burned into his retinas and Lucifer had spent many hours since imagining what his voice sounded like or what cologne he wore.

It had been so hard not to find an excuse to sneak away from Charlie to slip into the boutique. Beyond the Adonis working there, the display window was immaculately dressed with a selection of elegant silk and chiffon robes; enticing passersby with their pretty silhouettes and rich colors. Lucifer had a particular… weakness when it came to this, and it was one he had been unable to properly indulge in during his marriage. But he had been dreaming of the gorgeous robes (and the equally gorgeous mystery man) for weeks, and now that everything had gone through with the separation he couldn’t see a reason why he shouldn’t treat himself.

To a robe! Or maybe a playsuit.

Lucifer finished the last bite of his pastry and brushed the crumbs off his fingers, giving himself a quick once-over to ensure none of the toasted flecks had settled on his clothes. While he scrunched his nose at needlessly overpriced things, such as his breakfast, he didn’t bat an eye when it came to his wardrobe. Lucifer would rather be struck dead by lightning in the street than enter the lingerie shoppe in a stained cashmere sweater. Mercifully, he had avoided disaster. The heather-pink of his sweater remained untarnished, his white linen pants pristine; a favorite of his that showcased the daintiness of his ankles. There weren’t even any scuffs on his loafers, which he had owned and worn now for at least a year.

He caught his reflection in the cafe window and preened. Fuck, he looked good, especially for fifty. His platinum blonde hair was perfectly tousled, designer sunglasses resting just above his forehead like a makeshift headband. The crossbody bag he found with Charlie accentuated his slim waist under the comfort of his sweater, the hemline of which stopped at the hip, allowing for a full view of his lean legs and resiliently pert ass. The slight opacity of the linen showing off his meticulously chosen underwear and the legs in question when the sun hit him just right. 

Yeah. He was definitely just here to buy a robe…

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The pleasant sound of a bell rang as Lucifer entered the boutique, a delicate tinkle compared to the nervous beating of his heart and the soft jazz that was playing over the speakers. Now that he was in the shop, Lucifer couldn’t help but wonder if he hadn’t underprepared himself for this. An initial sweep of the inventory revealed an overwhelming choice of items, making him the proverbial kid in the candy store, and he felt immediately out of his depth. Not that this was his first time in a place like this. Far from it. But it was the first time he was here to explicitly shop for himself, and not for Lilith.

The mysterious shopkeeper looked up from his place behind the counter with an easy smile, and Lucifer felt that same static tingle ripple through him again as he made his way out from behind it to greet him. The younger man was taller than him by nearly a foot, with a sinuous frame that Lucifer wanted to climb like a tree. If he had any desire to back out, there was no way out of this now. 

“Good morning, sir, welcome in! Is there anything I may help you find today?”

Lucifer was properly stupefied, the reality of the voice he’d been daydreaming of far exceeding expectation. His voice was rich and smooth, reminiscent of a golden-age movie star, with a slight nasal pitch. And while the distance between them was polite, they were standing close enough that Lucifer could catch the smallest whiff of cologne and swallowed thickly at the tantalizing blend of tobacco and vanilla. The warm, inviting scent was agonizingly perfect and it took all he had not to drool. It was too easy to imagine the man spritzing his gorgeous tawny skin with the perfume, standing only in his belted pants and a white tank top before moving on to get fully dressed. 

How was he this much of a mess over someone whose name he didn’t even know? Lucifer scanned for a name tag but found nothing. With how cleanly-dressed the man was, he wouldn’t be surprised if the missing tag was a win for aesthetics over professionalism. Not that Lucifer was offended by its absence, but it would have been a nice way to avoid having to go through the mental gymnastics of asking after this guy’s name in a way that didn’t reveal his desperation to know it.

It didn’t help with the way those hazel eyes were watching him behind thin-rimmed glasses. Paired with his primly styled chestnut hair, it gave him the air of a sexy librarian despite the blood-red button-up and slacks he was wearing in a sea of lace and leather.

“Good morning!” Lucifer reciprocated, perhaps a tad too boisterously, with the flash of amusement that crossed the man’s face. “Uh, this is actually my first time in, so I think I’ll just look around for now…”

The admission sparked something in those beguiling eyes, and the toothy, bright smile that followed made Lucifer want to scream. 

“You don’t say! Well, I appreciate you stopping in to take a peek at this shop of mine. Please feel free to wander — I’ll be right behind the counter if you need anything Mister…?”

Thank God, an opening.

“Oh, please call me Lucifer,” he supplied, reactively sticking his hand out in greeting to reveal the middle-aged man that he was. “And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?”

For a second Lucifer worried that he had laid it on too thick, but the thought disappeared when the younger man accepted his hand with a firm shake and a light laugh. 

“My name is Alastor, and I assure you the pleasure is all mine, Lucifer. I hope you enjoy looking around, but please don’t hesitate to ask for any assistance. It’s just yours truly today, as you can see, so consider me at your mercy.”

If you only fucking knew, Alastor.

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Lucifer spent the next fifteen minutes meandering through the store, taking his time to inspect the collection of robes, corsets, and hosiery. Despite the boutique being relatively small, Lucifer had to admit that he was quite impressed with the selections offered here. There was an array of brassieres, ranging from cute to scandalous, some made with lace while others were adorned in Swarovski crystals. Most of them had matching panties, though Lucifer had managed to find a few that also paired with a corset and other accessories. 

He had been particularly tempted by a set that came with an ouvert suspender, the attached lace panties designed with a small opening between the hips that left him just a little out of breath even though the open gusset in the back was much more… inviting. He didn’t have breasts to fill out the brassiere with though, so the price tag felt a bit more justifiable given that he could get away with just the suspender, some stockings, and maybe some pasties if he was really going for it. It wasn’t what he originally had in mind, but the thought of leaving it behind made Lucifer’s heart sink.

Not that he had anyone to show it off to, but this was supposed to be a gift to himself. Something he could put on in the comfort of his bedroom and make himself feel good on days when life was kicking his ass, which had been all too common recently.

“Find something we like?” Alastor’s voice came from behind him, his breath tickling the back of Lucifer’s ear with his proximity.

Lucifer jumped a bit, forced back into the present from his daydream. The image of his pale skin glowing under the sleek, almost wet-looking black fabric and lace still burning in his mind’s eye.

“Oh! Uh… yeah, you could say that,” he answered bashfully, clearing his throat. Though he didn’t bother to hide the little number in his hands. “I’m just wondering what my, uh, wife would think of it.”

Alastor hummed in response, the sound of it too ambiguous for Lucifer to decipher, but hopefully he had maintained his cover. While Lucifer definitely had a little bit of a crush on the man, he wasn’t quite ready to admit to a stranger that he was actually in here for himself. Whether or not Alastor would care was an answer to something he found himself too scared to want to know.

“What does she normally like?” Alastor posed, walking out from behind him. “I might be biased, but I find this set to be pretty glamorous. I can’t see why she’d find it offensive. Between us, it’s one of my favorites that we’re selling now.”

Lucifer could’ve fallen to his knees then and there. His daydream, still too fresh in his mind, elicits his image again now with Alastor sitting on the edge of his bed. Those hazel eyes gone dark with hunger as Lucifer stands between his legs, lost in the abyss while Alastor kneads his backside with those lovely hands of his.

“Her taste changes with the tides,” Lucifer says wryly. “Likes to keep me on my toes, I guess.”

If only that had been the full truth. Changing tastes, yes, but Lilith couldn’t be bothered to keep him in the loop. Nor had he cared to be after years of mutual indifference. He had done his best to stop caring after the first dozen failed attempts at reigniting their spark, seeking his own pleasures and comfort in the solace of what became his bedroom when Lilith temporarily moved into the pool house. And Lord knows she was having a grand old time in there. What a relief it had been when she moved out for good, leaving his driveway clear of unfamiliar (and ever-changing) luxury cars.

“Would you like to try it on?” Alastor offered, arms crossed respectfully behind his back.

The perfect neutrality in his tone delayed Lucifer’s ability to process the question, until it hit him like a ton of bricks. His face grew hot and he felt himself stir in his pants at the prospect, deepening the flush on his face. He was more than eager to make his daydream a reality but… here? 

“Me?” Lucifer balked, a nervous laugh following suit. “Oh no! It’s not for me, why would I try it on?”

Alastor’s smile was polite, but his eyes gleamed with a mischief that made Lucifer feel naked, and he shifted self-consciously on his feet. 

“To make sure it fits, of course! How nice it must be that you both wear a similar size.”

They didn’t. 

Lucifer had always thought his petite frame paled in comparison to Lilith’s buxom figure, though they complimented each other nicely. But Alastor didn’t need to know that, and it really would be a shame to spend all this money on something that might not fit him once he got home. Or even worse, what if he just didn’t end up liking it? He’d have to drive all the way back here to return or exchange it, like so many other dejected partners who had failed to get the perfect gift. 

For the second time today he thought he’d rather be struck dead by lightning. If he was coming back here, it wouldn’t be to take a hit on Alastor’s sales goals. 

Fuck it.

“Yeah, I suppose you have a point… you’re the professional, after all.”

The smile Alastor bestowed on him then made Lucifer shiver, it was so disarmingly handsome. Had he been paying more attention to Alastor’s eyes he may have well and truly fallen to his knees. But since he hadn’t, he followed the younger man to the back of the store where the dressing rooms were.

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A knock on the door gave Lucifer a start. 

“Lucifer, are you decent? I’ve taken the liberty of grabbing a few other items for you to consider. I hope you don’t mind.”

Decent.

He was, in fact, anything but. 

Lucifer had been admiring his reflection for the last few minutes, having gotten himself situated in the suspender. The inky black fabric was cool and soft against his porcelain skin, glowing like candlelight against the darkness. It fit like a dream, hugging the taper of his waist in the front while the lace of the open gusset and chap style of the garment elevated his ass from perfect to ethereal. Lucifer had actually started tearing up before he realized his dick was getting hard. A revelation made mere seconds before Alastor knocked on the door.

So, no. He wasn’t decent in any sense of the word.

Mercifully, Alastor had provided a robe for him to slip into, and he quickly pulled it on while calling over his shoulder that he’d be just a second. He shuddered from the sensation of his awakening cock throbbing against the slight abrasiveness of the lace, hoping to whatever God could hear him that Alastor wouldn’t notice he had been turned on by his own reflection.

He took a deep breath and opened the door, Alastor looking statuesque in his patience with an array of pretty black fabric in his arms.

“Whoa, you weren’t kidding,” Lucifer said, a little breathless. 

“I figured it might help, since you’re still on the fence with the suspender. Have you tried it on yet?”

Lucifer glanced away, sweat breaking out on the back of his neck. The polite look on Alastor’s face was too much of a contradiction for the obscenity he was hiding under his robe. But there was no reason to lie.

“Uh, yeah, actually. It fits really well,” Lucifer conceded. Then, remembering his cover-up, he quickly added, “Too bad it’s not for me, though! Let’s see what else you’ve got there.”

Alastor merely smiled and presented his curation. Lucifer inspected the items with reverence, soaking in the feeling of each of the differing fabrics and garments. He had never felt so free to enjoy them before, his admiration always forced through a lens of appreciating how they looked on someone else. He had been looking at a pair of stockings when it hit him.

They were in his size.

True, he had gone along with the facade that he and his pretend-wife were similar in size. It hadn’t phased Lucifer in the least when he was looking at the slips and panties Alastor had procured. But as the realization of the hosiery bloomed, Lucifer also realized that there weren’t any bras or corsets in the pile. Lucifer felt dizzy as blood rushed to his face and cock, and the proud chuckle from the younger man didn’t help.

“Looks like I’ve been found out,” Alastor said smoothly, not at all apologetic. “I hope I haven’t overstepped, but I couldn’t help myself. You have lovely taste so I figured I’d give you a few options if the suspender wasn’t working out. I hope you haven’t changed out of it — I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing it modeled yet.”

Alastor gave him a pointed, hopeful look that made Lucifer wonder if he hadn’t slipped into a coma somehow. Or a fever dream. While he had spent the last few weeks daydreaming over Alastor, he had never expected anything to really come from it. His whole cover story painted him as a married man, for fuck’s sake! 

If Alastor noticed any of the alarm on Lucifer’s blushing face, he was doing a great job at hiding it. Lucifer’s heart was in his ears as Alastor stepped into the dressing room, and felt his cock somehow getting harder underneath the silk robe when Alastor presented a small, black corset from behind his back.

“I thought this waspie might pair well with the suspender. If you’d allow me, I’d be more than happy to lace it up for you.”

It was a generous thought, but Lucifer was scrambling. How the fuck was he supposed to go about telling Alastor no without revealing the fact that he had a raging fucking hard-on under this robe?

“Um, that’s uh — ahem, a very kind offer but —”

Lucifer’s blush intensified as his floundering echoed in his mind in real time. He had felt so confident not even an hour ago. Now here he was, reduced to sputtering excuses to hide his erection like it was eighth grade Math class all over again.

“Oh, you don’t like it? That’s a shame, but I’m sure we could find something else.”

“No, no, it’s very nice. I’m just, uh —”

“If you’re nervous about it hurting, I can assure you that it’s actually quite comfortable. In fact, I’m wearing one myself.”

The statement made Lucifer’s brain short circuit, and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“I have an erection! I can’t take the robe off because I have an erection!”

A heavy silence fell over them, Lucifer’s shameful confession hanging heavy in the air. Oh god, if only he could disappear. Turn into mist and dissolve from sunlight, like early morning fog. 

“You… have one right now?” Alastor asked, as if not understanding.

Lucifer couldn’t even answer, merely nodding his head as he pinched his eyes shut in an effort to hide.

“From wearing the suspender?”

“Yes,” Lucifer huffed, wrapping his arms around himself. “I was looking at myself in the mirror and it just… happened. So, look, just… give me a couple minutes and I’ll change, buy the piece and get the fuck out of here, okay?”

More silence.

Looking back on his life, Lucifer had done some fairly embarrassing things. But this really took the cake. How did his morning get so royally fucked?

“I remember seeing you through the window, you know,” Alastor said, finally breaking the silence as he took another step forward. “You looked so lovely that day. You were glowing.”

Lucifer’s heart was thudding as Alastor tipped his chin up with his hand; a sheen of sweat breaking out over his skin.

“If that’s really the only reason, I’d love to see the waspie on you. But at the very least…,” Alastor’s hand left Lucifer’s chin to cup his face, voice dipping low as he continued, “I don’t think I can let you leave this room without seeing what you look like in that suspender.”

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

The morning had taken all sorts of turns, but this was almost too good to be true. Though at the moment, all Lucifer wanted to do was praise himself for his morning showers and bidet.

Alastor was on his knees behind him, having left a trail of kisses down Lucifer’s spine until he reached the floor. Lucifer had watched in the mirror as Alastor’s beautiful hands caressed him, the difference in their skin tones stark and beyond erotic. He’d choose Alastor’s gorgeous tan hands on him over the midnight suspender any day. He loved how large they were against his smaller frame, petting his waist and kneading the softness of his inner thighs. But Alastor’s talent was really shining now, massaging Lucifer’s cheeks with his hands while he fucked him with his tongue.

“Wha — fuck… What if someone comes into the store?” Lucifer asked, not sounding nearly as worried as he should be. In truth, the thought of someone walking in only added to Lucifer’s excitement.

“Hmm, that is quite the predicament, isn’t it? Guess I’d better hurry.” 

Instead, Alastor continued his languid pace, seeming to savor every inch of skin that happened to fall under his mouth. Lucifer shivered and brought a hand to his aching cock. He had only managed to caress himself once, the shaky moan that fell from his mouth tipping Alastor off. Alastor ripped his face away, the shock of which made Lucifer groan a little in pain; left to stand there with his desperate hole practically begging for mercy as it clenched reflexively in Alastor’s face.

But Alastor wasn’t paying attention to that.

“Touch yourself again and I’ll stop. I won’t have anything obstructing my view.”

They met eyes in the reflection of the mirror, and Lucifer knew that Alastor really meant it; his eyes had become pitch, pupils blown out and hungry. Alastor looked even better this way than he had imagined, and Lucifer’s dick wept at the sight; the yearning twitch left him feeling just shy of messy. He didn’t have much room for involuntary reactions in the confines of the lace, forcing his arousal to be flush against his lower stomach. But he’d comply. Happily.

“Fuck, Alastor, I promise,” Lucifer moaned, sounding desperate even to himself. “Please… I won’t touch.”

“I know you won’t,” Alastor agreed, giving his left cheek a playful bite that left goose flesh in its wake. “Put those naughty hands on the mirror where I can see them.”

Lucifer whined and did so with an embarrassing speed. With his hands just above his head, the angle gave his back an alluring arch, putting his ass on display even more than it already was. It also constricted Lucifer’s chest a little, his heaving breaths shallowing in a way that only intensified his arousal. 

“What a good listener you are,” Alastor praised, placing a kiss over the flesh he had just bitten. “I’d better reward you, hm?” 

Alastor stood then, smiling wickedly at the dumbstruck look on Lucifer’s face. Lucifer watched in the mirror as Alastor pulled something from his pocket, shaking it between his thumb and middle finger once his hand was raised to eye level. It took a moment for Lucifer to realize what it was in his lust-drunk haze, but he whined again and curled his fingers against the glass. Alastor purred in response and flicked open the bottle, making a show of spreading the lubricant on his right index finger.

He pressed himself against Lucifer’s back and leaned down, placing a chaste kiss at the nape of Lucifer’s neck. Alastor’s finger now rubbing a teasing circle around his entrance before finally pressing in. They both groaned, and Lucifer was honestly amazed he hadn’t climaxed then and there, it had been so long since someone had fingered him.

Alastor started slow, working his appendage in and out at a comfortable pace while Lucifer did his best to breathe enough. He was fighting a bit of tunnel vision, but couldn’t figure out if it was from the position he was in or just… Alastor. 

“You’re glowing again,” Alastor cooed, nipping at Lucifer’s shoulder before straightening to his full height. “How’d I get so lucky that a pretty thing like you walked into my shop?”

Lucifer cried as Alastor curled his finger, working over his most sensitive spot at his maddeningly easy and consistent pace. It was delicious but not enough, and soon Lucifer found himself pushing back against Alastor’s hand for more friction. That earned him a sultry growl from the younger man, Lucifer moaning long and loud when he heard the pop of the bottle cap opening again. The coolness of the lube dripping down the crack of his ass was startling, causing him to clench down on Alastor’s finger.

Alastor hissed but waited for Lucifer to relax again before adding a second finger. Lucifer cursed, the stretch burning him in a way that made his eyes roll to the back of his head. He was already starting to grind himself against Alastor’s hand again, a not-so-subtle plea for him to increase his speed, which he mercifully obliged. The lewd slapping of Alastor’s palm against the fat of Lucifer’s ass filling in the space between their heavy breathing.

“Ohh, fuck, Alastor… it’s so good. So good,” Lucifer panted, eyes closed and mouth open as he focused on chasing his pleasure. 

He was close. The tension in his belly was so tight and his cock was absolutely dripping wet. If Lucifer wasn’t so blissed out he would have spared a thought and prayer for the ruined lace of the pretty garment trapping him, but at present he really couldn’t care less. All he knew was that his sweaty palms had him suctioned to the mirror, keeping him in place while Alastor relentlessly worked him open with his elegant fingers. Stars burning behind his eyes every time they massaged over his prostate; now a near constant.

“Yeah? You like getting fucked by my fingers, little dove?”

Lucifer screamed, his orgasm crashing through him with unexpected force. He felt his cock spasm, hot ropes of his seed shooting up into the waistline of the suspender and dripping down his sweat-slicked skin. Alastor had wrapped an arm around him to hold him up, knowing that without the support he would have collapsed to his knees. He wanted to say thank you but his head was too empty, his tongue thick and dry in his mouth. Lucifer whined as Alastor slowly removed his fingers, his hole twitching from the sudden emptiness. But the consolation of Alastor’s soothing kisses on his neck and shoulder was more than enough to make up for the loss.

“Let’s go get you cleaned up in the back,” Alastor murmured sweetly. “I still have about half an hour before I need to open the store, so we don’t have to rush.”

“What are you talking about? The store is open,” Lucifer said, but it sounded petulant through the thickness of his post-coital delirium.  

Alastor chuckled and tightened his arms around Lucifer’s waist, pressing a long kiss to his temple. “Oh darling… I don’t open until eleven. Today was just an exception.”

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banner by @synamartia ❤️‍🔥

tag list: @fairyv-ice, @wat4r, @midorichoco, @raynerrold, @krak-jj, @tremendoushearttaco, @redfoxwritesstuff, @chibistar45, @kaylopolis, @cutiebimbo, @lousypotatoes, @rfox1998, @cosmiccandydreamer, @hyperfixations-keep-me-going, @cherry-cola-100, @wonderlandangelsposts, @catticora, @velvette3, @sailorsmouth, @reath-solia, @junieshohoho, @cxrsedwxrlds, @littlebluefishtail, @nxcxllxsevens, @swagkittybear

[im-s0rry]

Grimm's Deltarune Chapter Three Take - New Characters???

Finally, after all this time, we have new characters for my Chapter Three Take!

Up first we have Chairiel. She is a kind talent agent who likes to support up-and-coming actors. She is huge compared to everyone else and is a mother figure to Chai Nelguid. She's not the biggest fan of Tenna to be frank but she can understand his appeal and his talent.

Next we have Barley, one of the many shopkeepers you will meet in Homelywood.(Name Pending) He's an over actor but still does a couple of shows every so often. They also run a bar, which is what you will find them doing during the course of your journey. They've played many parts in many productions and is a very friendly and charismatic guy. He's a fatherly figure to Chai, which is strange considering how he and Chairiel have never met and Chai is playing them both. Barley will be glad to tell stories of their past, and maybe spill the fact that he was in an old western with a horrible prop malfunction that may have killed one of the actors. He thinks this may have some relation to the odd sightings of weird trash puppets he has heard floating around...

And finally, we have Cinni-Scotch, the host of Homelywood's favorite baking show and mid playthrough boss Darkner. As stated, she runs a cooking show. She started hosting it when she was a lot younger, and have now become a bit tired of the show as well as a bit...unhinged. She's still loving and supportive of others, just don't try and mess with her recipes. She usually hangs out at Barley's bar after hours, ranting to people about her struggles. She's going through a rough time and maybe the Fun Gang can help out just a bit.

And that's all I have for today. If you were wondering, I kinda ship Chairiel and Cinni-Scotch. I don't really know why though. Anyway, goodbye for now.

[luckthebard]

2, 7, 12, 14, 39, 40 for the Weirdly Specific Asks

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper.

Thaydeen of Thaydeen's Endless Emporium of Enchanted Eccentricities has my heart forever. What's not to love about a weird, unhinged, Australian Goliath woman?

7 - previously answered

12. Best ship of the literal seafaring vessel or skyship variety.

I really do love Bell's Hells skyship the Silver Sun. And I'm happy for the players that they've wanted a skyskip forever and now they have one lol. The mini is super cool and now they get a fun new mode of travel!

14. Describe the art you would most like to create or commission if talent/money were no object.

Would love to commission a piece of Essek and Caleb standing quietly in the Blooming Grove. The "be kind to yourself" moment. It would go with my tattoo.

39. - previously answered.

40. What named but as of yet unseen character do you most want to see onscreen?

Probably Sabien. He's the only character I can think of who's a huge chunk of someone's backstory who it feels like we're missing a lot of pieces about.

[pocketgalaxies]

2 or 22

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper.

oh my god i love them all. i think i'll say pumat he has fantastic vibes i want to have those vibes always

22. Assume that every single non-multiclassed wizard PC OR significant wizard NPC (includes EXU Calamity) are in a battle royale, and all are level 16. Who would you bet on as the winner?

i am a d&d amateur at best and i truly can barely comprehend what this question is asking me to do. i'd bet on patia out of the gayness of my heart but the truth is she prob definitely wouldn't win. i think? bro idk

[beetlemancy]

2, 26 and 40 for the weirdly specific cr ask. Have a great day!

2) Favorite unhinged shopkeeper ZOOOORTH! The moorbounder stablemaster Zorth in Asarius is hands down my favorite absolutely unhinged shopkeeper in all of CR across all seasons. It helps that I also just really love Asarius and wish we'd spent more time there.

26) You must swap one nat 1 die roll with one nat 20 die roll. They must both be from the main campaigns, but can be cross-campaign. Which are they, and why? Do you know what's funny is I don't really remember these things very well because I focus almost entirely on the narrative. I do have like a favorite nat 20 but I would never want to swap it out! Its also technically not from the main campaigns, though it was VM (the ending of Search for Grog). HMMM. I suppose I would swap any of Sam's nat1s as Nott that he refused to reroll with any of the nat20s that happened when it didn't really matter, like during shopping episodes :P

40) What named but as of yet unseen character do you most want to see onscreen? Oh the Thelyss family 100% I neeeeed to know more about them and their mannerisms and accent quirks and anything else Matt might ever decide to show us. For c3 I guess I'd really love to see Orym's surviving family. I just think that'd be neat.

[overnighttosunflowers]

For the weirdly specific ask game: 2, 14, 24, 37

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper.

MADAM MUSK, AKA FOUR KOBOLDS IN A CLOAK MY BELOVED

14. Describe the art you would most like to create or commission if talent/money were no object.

Seeing art of my fics is just… the coolest thing I can imagine, pretty much? (Shoutout to @avalencias I appreciate you so much 🥺) I have no idea how to conceptualize what this would even look like, but I would die for art of the +1 from bittersweet, sly, uncontrollable?

24. You can guarantee that one Evergreen Question you write is pulled on 4-Sided Dive AND that the four cast members you most want to answer it are on that month. What's the question, and which cast members answer it?

I already answered this, which means I get to come up with a second question: what would your character think of your characters from previous campaigns? Laura, Travis, Taliesin, Marisha.

37. You have to take a 16 hour road trip with one NPC from each campaign (all at once, ie, three other people). The NPCs cannot shorten the road trip in any way and the road trip must be via driving but you can do it in two 8 hour days and share a motel room if you'd like. Who do you pick?

Oh this is a QUESTION. I haven’t seen c1 so we’re just gonna pick Allura because I know her and she seems like she’d be tolerable and that’s absolutely my angle on this question. (Queue up “Trapped In A Car With Someone You Don't Want To Be Trapped In A Car With.”) c2 Pumat, c3 Imahara Joe. The conversation would be interesting and we would all survive to our destination.

Thank you for the questions! <3

[wardensantoineandevka]

2, 9, and 14 for the CR ask meme please! :))

;Weirdly specific and overly long Critical Role Ask Meme

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper.

What the FUCK is Keona the Keen's deal? Like, Matt compares Isharnai's physicality as reminiscent of Keona's, but also says that Keona isn't a hag. Also totally wild that Ludinus recommends shopping at her place and tells the Nein to tell her that he sends his regards, and it seems to be genuinely friendly. I'm just obsessed with this woman, what is the deal here.

9. Location in Exandria you'd like to see in a possibly canonical one-shot/EXU but with non-main campaign characters (as in Song of the Lorelei/The Darrington Brigade)

Yes, I know, the Shattered Teeth is Domunas, but I am going to say Shattered Teeth anyway. I would love to see an ExU set there to explore the modern sociopolitical and geographical landscapes there. I think the Wanderman Assembly and Ossended Host conflict is totally up my alley, and I'd love to unpack the consequences of ExU Calamity on that region.

14. Describe the art you would most like to create or commission if talent/money were no object.

I have so many, but the one I think about a lot is like, portrait of Fjord seated at a dinner table, fork and knife in hand. It's a bust-length direct head-on, as if the viewer is sitting directly across from him at the table. There's like a slice of meat, like a roast cut style or something on his plate of something serpentine (like, full "hank", still has the scales and skin on and everything so it's identifiable). He has whole yellow eye speared on the end of his fork and is lifting it to his mouth to take a bite. He's looking directly at the viewer. Maybe the Star Razor is lying directly across the middle of the table between the viewer and his plate, and if there are any other items on the table, they feel figurative or allegorical, maybe even a little surrealist. It has the vibe and tone of a baroque allegorical painting, with the dark and dramatic lighting, like a Velázquez or something.

I just really love kind of dark, surreal / allegorical, tense, and kind of off-putting stuff like that.

[televinita]

Good Omens 2x03

+ David Tennant walking down a spiral staircase with a stack of old books in his arms has awakened An Insatiable Need for him to play a shopkeeper in Hay-On-Wye that I will now suffer about until the end of time, or until I at least find a suitable novel.

+ Him then carelessly tossing the whole stack out of view awakened a howl of pain soothed only by the certainty that the books landed on the same sort of fluffy cushion they give actors to dead-fall on. RIGHT?? (nobody tell her unless it's to confirm)

+ Totally Human Inspector Constable = <3 <3 <3 and also 💖💖💖

+ Crowley's unholy joy in taking the mick about her: same

+ Old married couple squabbling about whether or not Aziraphale can drive the car, I love it. (when and how did this become an option tho)

+ Oh my god Aziraphale and his Pleasant Country Drive in his Pleasant Yellow Bentley with his Pleasant Travel Sweets!!!

(add in Crowley's kvetching about all these things and this has become my new favorite scene of season 2)

+ Husband laughed aloud at correctly guessing my reaction to Crowley's truly evil threat that if Aziraphale doesn't fix it, "I'm going to start selling books. I might even give some away." GASPS OF HORROR ALL AROUND.

+ Still enjoying the flashbacks for their copious A&C content but at the same time, do not really enjoy being posed ethical/moral quandries (don't @ me I know what show I'm watching)

+ Also, do you think David Tennant saw the "be as unhinged as possible while drunk" scene and was like "MY TIME 2 SHINE!"? I do.

+ "If ANY harm comes to Aziraphale because of you --" oh hello my molecules have become somewhat liquid.

[elliesgaymachete]

I miss Marwa when is bells hells going back to Jrusar to hang out with my favorite unhinged little shopkeep 😭

[waltwhitmansbeard]

2, 6, 7 (though I think I know the obvious answer), 12, and 15

from this ask meme!

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper. ok so unhinged is key here, bc i don't think you can really say that gilmore is unhinged, so i actually gotta say the one in vasselheim who fucking hates vex. i can't remember his name at the moment but he reminds me of the cabbages guy from atla and i love him.

6. NPC you would most like to see as the subject of a Tales of Exandria series.

i want to know everything about orly!!!! you know that bitch has some wild stories!!!!!

7. Alternate outcome in a main campaign that you don't necessarily wish happened, but that you wish you could see played out in an alternate universe before returning to ours.

i would have loved to see caleb kill ikithon. actually, i would have loved the hells and essek and astrid and eadwulf come together to kill him as a team like vox machina did with anna ripley.

12. Best ship of the literal seafaring vessel or skyship variety.

the balleater OF COURSE

15. Favorite one-on-one conversation (can be between two PCs, or a PC and NPC).

if i ever get married my vows are just gonna be me reciting what vax says to keyleth as he cuts her hair with whisper ok????

[pagerunner-j]

No one ever plays along if I post ask memes and that just gets depressing, so…fuck it, I’m pretending somebody cares and living in my own delusion for a few minutes.

CRITICAL ROLE ASK MEME ANSWERS THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR (except for me, and I’m in charge here)

1. Character you don’t particularly like, but will defend vehemently when people dislike them for the wrong reasons.

Orym. I have…issues…with Liam’s inability to let go of his dead character’s girlfriend, because not even counting Vax, we’re on character #3 who has something to do with or a deep interest in Keyleth. Wee little bit suspect, my dude. But if you ignore the matter of backstory, Orym’s just a little guy who likes pie, loves his friends, and is trying his best to do the right thing, and he’s an absolute kick-ass fighter. I’m enjoying him in combat more than anyone else on the field right now. Most importantly for this question, he is not boring just because he’s good or because he isn’t wearing all of his trauma (okay, a little bit of his trauma, but not ALL) on his sleeve. I really gotta wonder sometimes about all y’all folks who can’t get invested in anybody who actually has their head screwed on straight.

…welp, apparently I’m in a mood. Okay then. Onward:

2. Favorite unhinged shopkeeper.

There are so many candidates. It’s still hard to beat Victor, though, and Matt embodying him on screen that one Halloween only solidified it. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!!

3. Minor character people in the fandom are obsessed with that makes you go “them? why?”

Kynan. Let’s review: hero-worshipping nerd boy with stars in his eyes but no sense gets his ego bruised by being (sensibly) rejected for the adventuring life, and takes it so poorly that he runs off, attaches himself to an ascendant supervillain instead, and is there at her side when she murders one of our heroes. Then half the fandom (and, to my dismay, Matt even made comment about liking the idea) decides that he deserves not only a redemption arc (okay), but also to be handed Cassandra as a romantic partner and, I don't know, fucking consolation prize (NOT OKAY). Again, let's review: she's the traumatized sister of the guy he helped murder, who was abused and tortured in large part by the lady he decided to work for.

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.

(remainder of this rant redacted because my first outburst was not kind.)

4. Minor character you are (correctly) obsessed with.

I thought about this for a while, drew a weird blank, and then my brain provided me with the Shadow Baker just because the name is so fucking funny. I would go to the Shadow Baker any chance I got. I want delicious shadow pastries. Shadow breads. Shadow cookies. Fruity, chocolatey, shadowy tarts. Shadow everything. Dusted with powdered shadow sugar. 

And now that I said all that, I hope there’s also a Shadow Dentist.

5. Meta you would write if you did not fear people would be SUPER weird about it. This is also an invitation to write that meta and block the haters.

I…think I might’ve already done that. *looks upward a couple paragraphs*

6. NPC you would most like to see as the subject of a Tales of Exandria series.

I’d say Cassandra, except what I actually want is novels, and I want to write them. 

7. Alternate outcome in a main campaign that you don’t necessarily wish happened, but that you wish you could see played out in an alternate universe before returning to ours.

The Sunken Tomb going differently,* i.e. with Percy ending up with the Raven Queen’s armor. I also would have color-shifted it. Somewhere in my head there’s an image I can’t shake of the gun-wielding White Raven, blood artistically spattered across his otherwise pristine feathers, because that dude still and always deserves to be as anime as goddamn possible.

*P.S. Since I keep tripping into rant mode anyway, here’s another: I hate dungeon design so damn much, and I have infinite sympathy for anyone who doesn’t think to check for traps on every possible object. A: No real thing is ever actually built like this. It’s just in games because GAME LOGIC. B: I’ve done enough time as a rogue to be bored to tears and dissuaded from ever playing the class again because I'm so sick of having nothing to do but check for traps every five steps. I have a hard time blaming Percy and/or Taliesin for any of what went down. Also, anyone who tries to add that Vex was being greedy is going to get an intimate introduction to my fist.

8. You may personally require that Liam O'Brien plays a non-core four (ie, not a Rogue, Wizard, Cleric, or Fighter) character for at least 10 episodes - he cannot in any way be one of those classes, even as a multiclass. If you like Orym, assume this has no impact on him. What class or multiclass do you have him play?

I want him to take a page from Imogen's book and go wild magic sorcerer. I want it to be as chaotic as possible and to fuck with him seven ways from Sunday. I want uncontrollable Polymorph. I want him to be beset with sudden hordes of flumphs. I want him to hit himself with a fireball like Caleb gone wrong(er). I want him to become a potted plant. I want Liam the prankster to prank the hell out of himself simply by existing.

9. Location in Exandria you’d like to see in a possibly canonical one-shot/EXU but with non-main campaign characters (as in Song of the Lorelei/The Darrington Brigade)

Mostly I’d be interested in places we haven’t been before. There’s a lot of Issylra that we still know nothing about…

10. Favorite and least favorite Matt Mercer Original Subclass. (edit mine because like I said, I'm in charge here. And also I read it wrong the first time. Oops.)

Blood Hunter kind of occupies both slots. For reasons.

11. A common stance within the fandom you would most like to eliminate on the specific grounds of hypocrisy/self-contradiction.

Skipping this one because stuff like this melts my brain. Except maybe for my rant above, I guess.

12. Best ship of the literal seafaring vessel or skyship variety.

The Joyful Damnation. …wait, wrong D&D show. (but please watch Oxventure it’s great okay moving on)

I think I’m cheating and just saying every skyship BECAUSE SKYSHIPS. Insert picture here of Scanlan and Percy romantically pining over the idea of having a skyship of their very own.

(I mean romantic in a general, conceptual sense. Not in a shippy way. Except that it’s actually about ships. Scanlan/Percy/Skyship platonic OT3.)

13. Favorite D&D PC (guests & EXU included but must be a PC) of ? 

Brain still melted, sorry. THIS IS A LOT OF CLASSES TO COVER OKAY and so let’s just go to:

14. Describe the art you would most like to create or commission if talent/money were no object.

See above re: the White Raven. Also, someday I am going to put my meager artistic talents to the test and attempt to draw a single tarot card: Caduceus as the King of Cups. My friends, there is life beyond the Major Arcana. Please try to remember that the entire fucking rest of the deck exists and it’s symbolically interesting too so crack open an analysis book sometime and learn something please and thank you and I’m stopping there before I go any further into a run-on tarot rant that, again, nobody asked for.

I’m not sure what happened to my commas tonight. Sorry. It’s been a day.

15. Favorite one-on-one conversation (can be between two PCs, or a PC and NPC).

I can’t even begin to narrow this one down. Percy and Vex in the Feywild. Caduceus reading Trent for absolute filth (respectfully). Imogen and Laudna just…always. Jester and Beau talking tarot. Tary and Pike and the flashcard scene. (Oh, god, the flashcard scene.) Grog and Craven Edge. Fjord awkwardly but sincerely wooing Jester. Percy and Vax in the bathtub, mostly for what happens after (sorry, Liam). Keyleth and Percy talking legacy. Jester and the Hag and Laura Bailey winning D&D. Jester sending messages to…anybody. I’m forgetting, like, thirty-seven things. You can probably tell who most of my favorite characters are, though… *awkward cough*

16. Favorite group (all/most of the party) conversation.

Two-parter: the blazing row when Scanlan left, and later in that episode when the rest of the group met Tary. Absolute whirlwind of emotion and a masterclass in character from all concerned. Plus well-deserved Nerf-dart chaos and Laura ineffectually hurling wads of Kleenex. Can’t top it.

17. You know that post that’s like “I wish you could filter in ao3 on ‘attitude towards a canon event’?” In the world of imagination, you can! What’s the event or attitude?

Mostly I avoid this problem by avoiding whole damn characters, I’m not gonna lie.

18. Share one unpopular opinion but it must specifically only pertain to Sam’s ads.

They didn’t deserve to get crucified for the Wendy’s one-shot. (It was a sponsor, he DMed, it counts.) It’s not actually much worse than any other sponsored event or ad partner, and just because people decided to get all high and mighty about worker rights for this one company doesn’t mean that there isn’t just as much bullshit of a different flavor happening at other companies that they’ve happily partnered with and which none of you objected to at the same scale, or, for that matter, at all.

*side-eyes the fuck out of, oh, I dunno, let’s start with Blizzard*

19. You can swap one subclass (not class) for any one main campaign main cast PC. Which character, and what’s their new subclass?

*blanks out completely while staring in the vague direction of the PHB* I’m…claiming amnesty on this one. Sorry. T i r e d .

20. What non-D&D TTRPG would you most like to see Critical Role run a one shot in?

Blades in the Dark. Please, please, Blades in the Dark. We got close when Aabria started seeding in bits of it for EXU. I want more. It’s such a good system.

21. You can eliminate one ship that did not become a canon, reciprocated relationship from the fandom’s consciousness. It is entirely gone - no fics, no posts, no doctored out of context gifsets inexplicably claiming that Travis ships it, no anon hate, no drama. Your blocked tags list becomes several entries shorter. A weight is lifted from your shoulders, and you take the deepest breath you’ve taken in a long time. Anyway, now that you’re feeling relaxed and inspired, what do you think Bertrand Bell’s fighter subclass was?

Caleb/Mo……oh. Um. Bertrand. Right. I wish I knew, but as I have already proven, D&D minutiae makes my head hurt and I am tired and sad today and very smol so let’s go on with —

22. Assume that every single non-multiclassed wizard PC OR significant wizard NPC (includes EXU Calamity) are in a battle royale, and all are level 16. Who would you bet on as the winner?

Rincewind because he’d run away to safety before anyone could hit him.

…I don’t care if he’s not a CR character, I said what I said.

23. You can guarantee that Vax lives at the end of Campaign 1. However, you must trade his permadeath for the permadeath of a different PC who was dead for more than a minute. Your options are Percy dying permanently in 1x68; Scanlan dying permanently in 1x83; or Laudna dying permanently in 3x34. Do you choose to do so, why, and whose death do you trade?

Vax stays dead. Listen: Vax had a STORY. He had stakes, he had joy, he had sorrow, he got conflict and resolution and dramatic payoff to some of his deepest personal storylines, he got a bittersweet romance, he got his heroic sacrifice, he got the gentlest possible ending anyone could possibly have asked for under the circumstances, and all of it makes for an arc that has completed and is done. Everyone else would just have been interrupted before their story got where it needed to go (like, even though you didn’t mention him, Molly). Scanlan dying there would have served no narrative purpose at all and would have paid off nothing, and it would have deprived us of SO much good stuff in the fallout. Percy actually did get to a point where if he’d stayed dead, I would have been sad as hell but would have understood it, because the way that story built up, it made sense and it wasn’t cheap. It’s still much better that he came back and got to complete the character development journey he was on (somewhat despite himself), though. And Laudna just absolutely does not fucking deserve dying, not now and not for a long time yet. She’s just barely getting the chance to live for herself at all. Let her stay.

And for the love of fuck, let Vax go.

24. You can guarantee that one Evergreen Question you write is pulled on 4-Sided Dive AND that the four cast members you most want to answer it are on that month. What’s the question, and which cast members answer it?

What’s your favorite type of evergreen tree and why is it the Douglas fir?

….actually, that’s just me answering the question. Because #CascadiaNow.

(We have a flag.)

(The tree is on it.)

(*waves flag*)

25. What class do you most want to see Matt play if he is in a future EXU campaign as a new (not Dariax) PC?

I want to see Matt play a class invented by somebody else at the table. I’m thinking Sam and Liam should collaborate on this. (Liam because he can probably crunch the mechanics best of anybody, Sam to bring the chaos.)

26. You must swap one nat 1 die roll with one nat 20 die roll. They must both be from the main campaigns, but can be cross-campaign. Which are they, and why?

I’m having a hard time thinking of any I’d want to change. Sometimes the failures are too interesting to mess with. (Grog falling over dead in the snow, I’m looking at you.)

27. Pick one character, ship, or party; and one song you associate most with them, and explain why. This song cannot be on an existing playlist from the main cast. It also cannot be We Have it All by the Pim Stones nor Dust Bowl Dance by Mumford & Sons; I love those AMVs but please think for yourself.

- the whole party

- any party

- “We Like to Party”

(I am bad at character playlists, okay? ONTO THE VENGABUS WE GO)

28. Think back to all weird or bad opinions (pertaining to Critical Role) you’ve seen but which were not elaborated upon. You get to make one, and only one, person have to provide an honest response about what the fuck they were thinking. Which opinion do you receive the honest explanation for?

I have done my best to strategically delete these from my memory and am not going to attempt file recovery.

29. You can give any PC a Staff of Birdcalls. Who do you give it to?

Jester. This isn’t even a question. Just give her one now, please.

30. What is your favorite theory or headcanon that has absolutely no bearing on the plot and isn’t important at all, but which is completely compliant with canon?

The entire notion of getting that invested in headcanon mostly just wears me out, and I’m saying this as a fic writer, which I acknowledge makes very little sense. Yet here we are.

31. A really weird fey entity grants you the following boon: you can magically make it so that whenever people try to draw Imogen with glasses, the glasses magically disappear. All you need to do is hit the DC. The DC begins at 15, it is a simple d20 die roll with no modifiers/additions, and you can reduce it by one for every month you live with canon, pre-episode 2x26 Mollymauk Tealeaf. You do have your own room, but the walls are thin. After 15 months you automatically succeed and Molly disappears as though he had never existed. How many months do you live with Molly?

I’m in it for the long haul. I will learn to make my peace with chaos. I will make friends. I will maybe even join in the party. I will enjoy getting more of Molly’s presence and I will do my best not to go crazy in same.

Because fuck those glasses.

(I love glasses; I wear them myself; I give them to characters at the slightest provocation; but canonically she doesn’t wear them, so please just stop.)

32. If the CR main cast were to play the original 7 tombtakers per The Nine Eyes of Lucien (Brevyn, Cree, Jurrell, Lucien, Otis, Tyffial, and Zoren) in a one shot, who should play whom? Assume Matt DMs, but you do not need to have Taliesin play Lucien.

Hate to admit it, but I’m not invested enough in any of those characters to care.

33. You may ask any member of the cast one, and only one lore clarification question. What do you ask?

Mostly I don’t want to nitpick or pry, and honestly, most LORE(tm) as nerddom treats it both irritates and frustrates me. I don’t want to reduce all of narrative to filling out subheadings on a wiki page and then insisting that anything that doesn’t match up bREaKs CaNoN and is BaD. What I want is folklore, not Lore(tm), and there’s a very real difference.

On that note, I want Taliesin to tell me absolutely everything about Melanie de Rolo, and every other specter haunting that place from before his character’s time. Ghost stories for days. Bring it.

34. You meet an old woman in the grocery store and help her with her bags. In return, she tells you she can guarantee that Campaign 3 will be fantastic, and that there will be a Campaign 4 set in Issylra that is also fantastic. However, she warns you, the price is that Marisha and Laura’s characters will never be in a romance together, nor will Taliesin and Liam’s, though there will be significant queer romances aplenty, both F/F and M/M, in said campaigns. Do you take her up on her offer?

In a heartbeat.

ROMANTIC SHIPS ARE NOT THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

and pleading for personal vaidation via smushing your faves together because it HAS to be CANON or else it is a BETRAYAL and PROBABLY HOMOPHOBIC because YOU ARE BAD IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT is unhinged

neither of these pairs have to fuck ever

we’ll live

…sorry I think I started yelling somewhere in there

I’ll stop

35. You can set the time and place of the next EXU series, but it cannot be within 100 years of the Calamity nor Divergence. When and where do you set it?

Naples, 1973

36. Every cast member must create a main campaign character loosely based off a character they played in a one-shot not set in Exandria, a la Chetney from Chutney (as a result, Travis is excused from this exercise). Who should they choose? (Please note that Bar Room Blitz is set in Exandria. You cannot pick Jayne and you’re boring for thinking it.)

MANCUBUS!!!

Because MANCUBUS!!!

37. You have to take a 16 hour road trip with one NPC from each campaign (all at once, ie, three other people). The NPCs cannot shorten the road trip in any way and the road trip must be via driving but you can do it in two 8 hour days and share a motel room if you’d like. Who do you pick?

Tyriok; he’s the map guy and will get us where we’re going. Eshteross to bring delicious cookies. And Iva Deshin to read us passages from her favorite smut books from Chastity’s Nook and keep us all entertained (and Tyriok absolutely scandalized, the poor dear).

38. Assuming that your rent and basic living expenses are paid regardless, nothing cataclysmic happens while you’re there, and your race and class are perceived as completely average and nothing to comment on, which city in Exandria would you most like to live in for a year? You must spend the vast majority of your time there.

Whitestone. I want to get in on their technological boom. The intersection of magic and the mundane, and how those things inspire, leapfrog, and challenge each other, is my absolute jam.

39. Favorite parental figure NPC?

Veth had the best arc here by a mile. It’s hard not to like Marion, though.

39. What named but as of yet unseen character do you most want to see onscreen?

Imogen’s mom.

I want this story, like, yesterday.

[utilitycaster]

Hi hi! I was wondering who your favorite NPC was from each main campaign, and why?

Thank you! :)

Honestly with the exception of Essek from Campaign 2, just because he played such a central role, it's almost impossible to say because like, "favorite ally/major NPC"; "favorite minor NPC"; "favorite random unhinged shopkeeper"; and "favorite villain NPC" are all very separate categories in my mind. I will however provide them.

Campaign 1: Major bounces between Gilmore and Allura nonstop; While Cassandra is not super minor she's not major either so I'm putting her here, along with Jarett; Victor, natch; Ripley.

Campaign 2: Essek for the back half, but I also really like Dairon and Artagan; Wuursh aka the rare hinged shopkeeper; Dimble Thaydeen and her joke shop; Ludinus isn't ever fully in Top Villain Mode in C2 but I find him fascinating and terrible in ways remarkably similar to Ripley, honestly.

Campaign 3: Eshteross (RIP king); Imahara Joe (like Wuursh, also a hinged shopkeeper) but also I miss Yash Mangal every day; Esmer; and Ira.

[lesucremygic]

A Passing Lively Mirror

People sometimes say when a kid compliments you, that is the highest form of compliment you could ever get considering the majority of children's tendency to be as blunt and as honest as possible. Their view is still shaped and their innocence really could light up someone’s day. They could also be pretty unhinged and their intake on some topic can be extremely weird. They could either terrify you or make you laugh the most obnoxious laugh in your life.

My neighborhood conducted a get together for all of its residents in celebration of my country’s independence day yesterday night. We basically chill, say our prayer for the collective masses and the nation’s wellbeing, we talk among ourselves and of course we eat and snack.

After mingling a while introducing myself or striking up conversations with some of my neighbors I already knew, I was sitting on my own minding my business munching on some Bakwan and trying to finish a Candy Crush level when a small girl sat beside me. Both of us were waiting for our respective mothers who were busy distributing the boxed dinner for all of them attending the event. For those who don’t know, I rarely strike up a conversation with small children in preschool or early years of elementary school cause I always have this unexplainable anxiety towards people in general and or especially kids even though I have two younger brothers lolz.  

I don’t like children’s cautious stares and I'm just afraid they will cry if I say something wrong so then their parents will scold me senseless even though I didn’t mean to.

Let’s just say I hate the outcome of the strange unknown encounters. Especially the parents. I can understand their protectiveness but seriously, if I want to harm your child I wouldn’t make them cry and wail. I can also understand children and their defense mechanism towards something strange but yeah I just hate feeling guilty of making children cry.

This small girl, probably not older than 5 because she was so tiny, was staring at me for a while. She was observing my face and Candy Crush gameplay for so long I got a little bit self-conscious. It was funny. Again, I don’t like to be the first one to strike up a conversation with small children so I just smile at her sweetly. Even though I know my eyes are just empty, soulless. But she took it as a cue to say her hello to me. 

I’m not a heartless human being, of course I said hello back. This time, I did it with more emotion and enthusiasm which was reciprocated by her. She asked for my name, and for some rare occurrences, I was elated because  someone pronounced them clearly on the first try. They don’t butcher it or change the first letter of my name. She repeated back my name to me clearly to make sure she said right. 

And it came from a kid. Hah. You adults, do that one better! 

I could hug her parents for raising such a brilliant and considerate girl.

When I asked what her name was, she told me with a really explosive excitement I can’t help but to smile and feel comforting warmth. When I repeated her name back like what she did to mine before, she just grinned and nodded enthusiastically. If only my brothers were this sweet when they were small brat, I'd be content.

After that she threw me a bunch of questions about the game I was playing, how old I was, what’s my favorite food, how much my phone’s cost, relentless but I didn’t mind. When she was satisfied with her short inquiries, she started to tell me her own answer to those questions she asked me. What an inquisitive chatterbox. It reminds me of how I was when I was her age. 

My parents used to tell me I was talkative the moment I could talk, I’d be running my mouth and almost making every one of my conversation partners’ ears off. I even used to animatedly recount my weird imaginations to a shopkeeper by the house my parents rented back then when I was a toddler. I can’t remember a thing but it’s always fun to see my mother recount those tales with a fond look on her face. I was her first born after all.

I let her talk to me while she leaned her whole body on my side, she talked a lot about what she usually does at her preschool, how her mother scolded her before they went to the event because she threw a tantrum of not wanting to use her hijab, and even retell me some of her older sister’s embarrassing stories. The said sister apparently was sitting beside her slightly to the back and trying to hide her face after hearing those. I gave her a slight apologetic smile and went back to amused the little chatterbox.

“Can I see your phone?” she finally asked me after eyeing the back of my phone for quite some time after her chatters died down. I shrugged then gave out my affirmative, I handed her my phone and she immediately turned it around to see the photos I placed inside the clear protective case. 

There are two photos, Jimin and Jin of BTS. It was from the editorial picture of their Vogue Magazine shoot. 

“Who is it?” pointed her one little finger to Jimin’s photo.

“Umm, a singer.” I replied, not wanting to dive into unnecessary details. 

“What singer? What kind of songs does he sing?”

“Korean singer.” The moment I answered that, she sat upright, took a deep breath before chattering away about her adoration toward Chimmy, one of the characters of BT21. Those characters were designed and created by the BTS members and have become some kind of their other marketing symbols to branch out to the other generations where it applied. Little kids usually are BT21's target audience. 

“I like some of them too! My favorite is Chimmy but I still couldn’t distinguish which one is Chimmy’s Appa sometimes.” she pouted and I resisted with all of my might not to giggle uncontrollably.

Of all the topics out there, of course we bond over BTS’ universe.

The sister is suspiciously quiet, so I assumed the one who tried so hard not to join in our little exchange was the shy older sister. I think the little girl knew about Chimmy from her, or the other older girls in her playtime circle around afternoon hours in the neighborhood. 

“Yeah? Hmm I like Chimmy as well. This is Chimmy’s Appa.” I pointed to the earlier picture of Jimin on my phone case.

“Ahhhh… Okay!” she flopped her attention back to my phone case this time pointing to Jin's picture.

“Is this Koya?” she asked.

“Emmb, that’s RJ’s Appa.” 

“Really? Hmm I’m bad at this.” she huffed then gave my phone back towards my open hand. When I chuckled, she only grinned up at me.

Some kids are really born to be sweet angels. I see, God, I see.

She was still beside me even when both of our mothers found us and handed our respective boxed dinners. The event already went into full swing where some people my age and the elders hogged the karaoke machine and sang to their heart’s content. My ears almost bleed whenever any of them belting out high notes with the poor sound equalization settings. The terrible treble setting almost sent me back home clutching my poor ears, but the girls beside me didn’t look bothered. I almost cry out of irony. 

I tried to distract myself by eating any snacks that passed by my presence, this time I was munching happily on Banana Molen when the little girl poked one of my cheeks.

“You’re cool.” she said while also munching on some sweet potato crisps, she took a moment before finally adding, “you also look really cute.”

When I told you my heart soared so high after that comment, I soared and felt like ascending to some sort of content feeling clutching my little tiara with my left hand.

This compliment beats any other flirting some guy my age threw at me.

When people say little kids' compliments sometimes can do wonders to your serotonin boost, I didn’t believe them. Never encountering a sweet kid makes me doubt that statement, I only see them happen on Social Media. My first hand experiences always consist of Evil Nazi reincarnated booger collector little demons. So this fresh change of encounter delighted my weary and gray soul. 

I openly chuckled for a while before replying, “Thank you. You’re cool and cute as well, kid.” I patted her hand “Waaaaay cuter than me.” she then giggled then slot her head on my shoulder for a moment before turning her full attention to her mother, fussing about not wanting to eat the fried chicken with her bare hand. 

“She was just like you when you were three. Like a little walking encyclopedia” commented my Mom while passing me a water bottle.

“I got shy pretty quick when I was her age though.” I replied, still trying to finish my forgotten Molen in my hand.

 “Yeah, I still wonder what happened.” 

Me too, Ma, me too.

L.

[shinyalice]

CRITICAL ROLE C3E23

[Crossposting from Dreamwidth is a thing I do now, apparently]

Happy Friday the 13th! >:)

I usually struggle with staying awake / paying attention for the entirety of Critical Role, but not this week!  I think the key was drinking a large iced coffee in the late afternoon and following it up with 20mg of edibles when I got home from work.  Marisha also mentioned that it would be a doozy in the Bootie Mashup Twitch chat, so admittedly I was tipped off that I would probably want to see the whole thing!

THIS EPISODE HAD EVERYTHING (spoilers below!)

- Chetney's unhinged shopkeeper intimidation one-man

 one-werewolf show that went so well until the very end... LMAO.  My wife mentioned that Travis seems to be having more fun than ever in the game, and I agree!  Good for him <3

- Fearne flat-out coming on to Lord Eshteross - I expect nothing less from our horny chaos queen!!  (And like... I get it.  Eshteross hot.)  Ashley at her most chaotic is a beautiful thing to behold.

- Ashton's amazing portal trick!!!  That was rad as hell.  I love the way they merge the physicality of playing a barbarian / physical damage dealer with some cool magic-esque elements.  I love the creative subclass designs in CR!!

- The way Orym was asking for trouble when he cut the rope on the deck of the airship and ended up almost dying by falling off the side... WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN lol, but still scary as hell for a moment there!!  Which leads me to...

- IMOGEN'S BADASS JEAN GREY MOMENT what the fuck... speaking of cool subclasses, I can't wait to learn more about Imogen's abilities!!  I love it when cast members and Matt are in cahoots and surprise everyone else :)  Also if Imogen wasn't already my favorite she probably would be now cuz I love the trope of a woman learning to harness her incredible-but-scary powers <3

- The whole end scene on the deck of the airship between Laudna and Imogen... THAT WAS EVERYTHING.  Scenes like that are what make CR such an incredible experience to watch.  Seeing the rest of the cast's reactions (Ashley especially lol) is always great and shows the power of improvisational storytelling!  But oh man THE ANGST... I am in pain and yet I live for that shit!!  I'm loving Laura's commitment to vulnerability this campaign (the stone comforts Imogen... oh jeez), and Marisha/Laudna wanting so badly to protect her but falling prey to her own demons (i.e. Delilah!).  I think we were all expecting the stone to bring out a dark side of Imogen, but having it affect Laudna instead was brilliant.

And talk about a cliffhanger!!  That's how you do it, people!

[elizabethleslie7654]

America’s 2017 Body Count

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by Tom Shackleford 

What does 2018 hold in store for our domestic combat zones? Clearly, nothing good. Now that the 2017 death tolls are final, let’s take a look a four of the largest dying (literally) cities in this country. They represent a grim epitaph on the past year. Also, bear in mind that this article only refers to murder rates. These are only about a quarter of the opioid death rates in these locales.

Baltimore At one time, Baltimore was a thriving White port city full of industrial jobs. Now, it’s got an economy largely based around EBT cards and other benefits. It proudly boasts a per capita murder rate that led the nation in 2017. Public safety has worsened to such a degree that at one point the city contracted “Persistent Surveillance Systems” to conduct aerial reconnaissance every single day. A Cessna flew over the city in a loop in order to provide real-time footage of the fray to an analytical team. The violence increased nonetheless.

In 2017, community activists attempted two truly innovative initiatives. They simply pleaded for their people to desist from pulling triggers for the duration of a single weekend. Both of these “Nobody Shoot Anybody” campaigns failed in short order. It shouldn’t then come as a surprise that paying utility bills is not a priority for the Black residents of Baltimore. Consequently, the city is struggling to maintain its aging water infrastructure. In the future, perhaps its denizens will be too thirsty to kill each other.

Kill count: 343

Chicago The Windy City murder rate has actually dropped by about 15% from 2016. That’s been hailed as “a grim sign of improvement” by USA Today. The trouble is that going from an appalling level of violence to a slightly less appalling level of violence doesn’t constitute real progress. Also, one of the distinguishing features of genocidal internecine bloodshed is that it leaves progressively fewer participants. So, at some point this sort of homicide has to reach a peak and begin declining as less and less live people are around to kill. That certainly could be the phenomena we’re observing in Chiraq.

Cook County Commissioner Richard Boykin seems to agree. Last month, he traveled to NYC to beg the UN Assistant Secretary General for Peacekeeping Support to deploy international troops in the self-embattled neighborhoods of his Black constituents. One of the areas he’s pleading to be placed under UN occupation includes the South Side of Chicago, which is the site of the future Obama Presidential Library. According to Boykin, the UN forces have “been able to help in places like Africa…to help minority and vulnerable populations.” To be honest, it’s difficult to argue against this line of reasoning.

President Trump rhetorically asked “What the hell is going on in Chicago?” at an FBI graduation ceremony. He was immediately denounced as an unhinged racist. The police pension fund, and likely the city itself, will be insolvent by the time he finishes his first term in 2021. White taxpayers are fleeing in droves. While they’d rather die than be called a “racist,” their wheels do all the talking necessary.

Wounded: 2,937 Kill count: 675

Philadelphia Back east, the Philadelphia City Council voted 14-3 to empower the city to force convenience store owners to remove safety glass at their sales counters. This outraged Asian shopkeepers, who justifiably argued that these barriers are the only thing standing between them and getting shot over a bottle of purple sugar water. The initiative was meant to allow Black Philadelphians to shop with “dignity,” in order to improve their temperament and thus the city’s deteriorating security situation.

Rendered blind to reality by the privileges conferred by their skin color, the White residents of Philadelphia simply cannot understand that when they’re being set upon by a mob of “teens,” they’re actually on the receiving end of blows stuck out of the righteous desire for dignity. Philadelphia can look forward to a much more tranquil future once these paranoid Asians take down their safety glass.

Wounded: 983 Kill count: 214

Detroit All three of these major municipalities mentioned above suffered “great fires” in their pasts, but these infernos served as mere bumps on the road to a prosperous future. Their histories serve as a testament to the fact that a city can survive being literally burnt to ash as long as an appropriate demographic still calls it home.

This brings us to Detroit. Once the industrial capital of the world, its only use now is to serve as a predictive model for other American cities with comparable demographics. Once Whites and industry leave, ruin befalls a municipality. No sadder testament to this reality exists than Detroit. According to statistics released by the FBI back in September, Detroit has the highest violent crime rate of any city in America with over 100,000 residents. The savagery in Detroit receives little national attention anymore, because quite frankly, the whole situation is depressing. From an aerial view, much of it looks like a place that was carpet-bombed and returned to nature.

Headlines have been coming out recently like this one from The Detroit News: “Detroit Has Lowest Homicide Tally in 50 Years.” True, but the population was more than twice as high back then. Moreover, on a per capita basis, the rate is roughly triple what it was before the “uprising” of 1967 that marked the city’s death knell.

Wounded: 836 Kill count: 267

This is the sort of violence suffered by Third World countries like Venezuela whose citizens must contend with dysfunctional governance. Yet, we’re grappling with that sort of carnage right here. Inimai Chettiar, the director of the Brennan Center’s Justice Program at NYU School of law has recently whined that the Trump Administration has “wrongly pushed” this issue to “scare Americans” into wanting “aggressive immigration enforcement” because “crime rates this year remain near historic lows.” Two things are guaranteed in 2018: Bodies will keep dropping, but the spin won’t stop.

If we had a sane media establishment, they would be discussing why the US is largely unable to discharge the most basic duty of government, which is the preservation of order for the safety of its citizens. Honesty won’t happen, because that would raise the question of whether or not we’re living in a First World country anymore.

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