#my family eventually stopped after I finally had a breakdown over it years later

[fluffydice]

Ifififiiskkdsjjsj can’t stand when people try to say that Kuniharu and Kusuke are just joking, or try to brush their words off. As someone who grew up hearing that I was a heartless robot, I guarantee you he won’t even begin to question another reality until years later, when he doesn’t have to listen to it anymore. To him, it would just be the way things are: he’s a monster and freak. That’s it.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

[siriusmydeer]

hello love, i was wondering if you could do a james potter x slythering fem!reader? one where she is working so hard on getting her life together. she is trying to be different than her family and working so hard but it is getting to her. she feels like she is failing and every turn she takes is a dead end. she feels like there is no purpose to what she’s doing. i think some super fluff is required, like james boosting her up and loving her. plzzzzz & thx

his slytherin

james potter x slytherin!fem!reader

summary: when you overwork yourself james is there to save the day.

word count: 2.4k

warnings: mentions of insomnia, mentions of sleep deprivation, mentions of not eating, mentions of over working yourself, angst, sad!james, house stereotypes, bad grades, implications of smut, WOLFSTAR😍, mentions of food, a breakdown, THERES FLUFF I PROMISE

seventh year was quite literally, a mess. maybe not for others, finally done school or they were super excited to travel around the world seeing things they’ve never seen before. you’re dream had consisted of constant studying, and working that barely made any time for yourself.

for the prior three years you had studied and practiced with madam pomfrey in the healers wing to eventually become a healer yourself, and it took a lot more than you thought it anticipated.

you knew as a healer, later in life you would have to deal with artefact accidents, dementor attacks, creature-induced injuries, magical bugs, potion and plant poisoning, dragon trainers with injuries, and incredulous spell damage.

with that you had to be prepared, which meant more time hitting the books and less time spending your final year at hogwarts with your best friends and your staggering boyfriend.

(hahah u see what i did there?)

james had qued in on your restless nights by gazing across at you in the great hall. the colour of emerald green becoming frequent in his life now; surprisingly to everyone else. where you were sat at the slytherin table, your eyebags already deepening by the day and your nose buried in some sort of school book.

the thought of even being like your family, made you nauseous. you didn’t want to be like your strict, immoral family, the death eaters, the murderers, and the ministry officials. who worked like machines without feelings or care.

as a slytherin born into a pureblood family those were the expectations that were almost nailed into your back like a sign said, ‘here’s the pureblood slytherin, shame her even though you don’t know her!!’

of course those were the stereotypes, ones that had been built on for centuries since salazar slytherin himself. that you of all people had to inherit. so you had to fall, and rebuild yourself entirely for even a chance. the restless nights, insomnia, caffeine and studying was your way of rebuilding.

of course that had an effect on your grades, not sleeping, not eating and barely focusing made your grades tremble a great deal to the point where professor slughorn got concerned by his best potions makers, recent poors in his class.

you were too focused on being better that you couldn’t even focus on your own well-being, that you couldn’t even see you were hurting yourself on the people around you. almost self isolating yourself from everyone entirely.

“darling?” james whispered, his body sitting across from yours at one of the mahogany tables in the library. pince set him a warning glare not to cause any mischief as she turned around.

“hmm?” you mumbled, barely acknowledging his prescence and continuing to read your defence against the dark arts textbook, something about the ‘chameleon ghoul.’

he had barely seen you all week, and when he did he saw your agonized face scrunched up in a book and your mauve dark circles that rested below your eyes clear as day.

“why don’t you take a break, dear? have a rest, you’ve been working non-stop. ve’barely seen you.” he murmured the last bit, embarrassed for feeling ‘needy.’

“can’t jamie, newts are soon i need to be prepared.” you looked up in his direction for a moment, barely catching his saddened eyes through his spectacles at your denial of his request to finally see his girlfriend.

if this were two maybe three years ago, james would not be caught dead having a conversation with a slytherin, let alone a relationship with one. the stereotypes blinding his vision for along time before he could see what was truly in-front of him.

i mean the gryffindor pride genetically ran through his veins as he was born into the etiquette pureblood-gryffindor family himself. it was almost destined for the both of you to be corporeal enemies.

but... something about your altruistic and considerate attributes subtly changed his mind. thanking merlin, and horhace slughorn for pairing the both of you in potions in fourth year. there was always something about the way you were so gentle and benevolent with him in potions class might’ve flipped a switch in his mind.

“right then... see you later?” he muttered disappointed in himself, you work so hard to prove yourself meanwhile he didn’t even have a glare in his way because he was the perfect headboy gryffindor student; with absolutely no judgements thrown his way despite his actions towards others in previous years.

“dunno, i’m studying.” you replied, your voice monotone and dull almost raspy from barely using your voice unless answering questions in class to almost being a know-it-all and pushing yourself to the tops of all your classes.

he got up from his chair, it scraping against the floor as he walked to the exit almost like a dog with its tail between his legs. he just got so mopey by your dejected less merry self. he had to do something, he had to make you understand that being a slytherin wasn’t just you.

it was a part of you sure, but ambitious just meant you strived for your goals and you were cunning which showed your amplified skill.

that didn’t mean you were— evil? being a proud reckless gryffindor was one in his heart but nobody ever thought he was malicious.

so, james fleamont potter did the only logical thing he could think of; going to his bestfriends for help. of course at first they were not over the moon glowing in delight when they found out he was dating a slytherin, especially sirius.

but that was expected, his family being his only views on how a pureblood slytherin acted only projected onto you. giving you almost a conscientious reason to work, the thought of someone james felt was his brother perceiving you as despicable only made you pursue your self judgements.

but after your book swaps with remus, you and peters athrimancy study sessions and music bonding with sirius they grew quite fond of your personality and thought that you were due with a chance with the marauders.

“moony, i need help.” he spoke desperately as remus’ face was also buried in a book, except out of his own free will.

“james needs my help? hear that sirius? prongs needs my help.” he declared proudly as the brown-haired gryffindor groaned crossing his arms.

“it’s y/n.” he mentioned, glancing in sirius’ direction before sitting on the vermillion love seat across from the fawn haired boy.

“what about her?” remus was more-so confused, what would be so wrong with you that james had to ask him for help?

“she’s suffocating herself, the books, the studying, not sleeping, not eating, nothing. i dunno what to do anymore remus, she’s so pent up on wanting people to stop looking at her like she’s heinous she’s working herself to death!” he ranted, all his anger and agitation spilling out in one fast-paced sentence that james needed to catch his breath by the end of.

“i just dunno how to make her catch a breath, take a break. what do i do?” james panted, looking at his mates for an answer.

“imperious curse?” sirius proposed, a bad proposal but his intentions were... thoughtful. “yeah let me go use an unforgivable curse on my girlfriend so she can have a study break. no thank you, next.” james sarcastically humoured him, james didn’t want to compromise your education or use an unforgivable curse on you for that matter but you looked so incredibly burnt out he didn’t know how to help you.

“body-bind curse? so she’s like.... forced to stop?” peter suggested, looking up from his transfiguration essay catching onto the conversation as he twirled his quill between his fingers.

“or, y’know something actually logical you could do is take her books. get her lavender tea or something, let her talk.” remus finally spoke, shrugging then looking at the ‘lord of the flies’ book in his hands a smirk lying on his face knowing that would he james lucky choice.

“moony, you genius! i could kiss you!” james hopped up from his seat, on his way back to the library.

“oi! i’m the only one he’s going to be kissing, prongs!” sirius yelped as james walked out of the portrait hole with a distant chortle.

on his way to the library, where you were previously seated, james made a stop to the kitchen to grab a few of your favourite snacks and some water. he dropped them back at his dormitory, but not without a mini lecture on ‘kissing moony.’ from sirius.

what a drama queen.

the castle was slowly darkening, the only light pivoting from the floating candles in the air. he saw your frozen-like figure in the same spot you were except looking over your history of magic textbook, learning about the ‘emeric the evil.’

“y/n.” he stated firmly, you almost jumped from your seat in surprise, due to your recent sleep deprivation. “merlin james, give a girl a little warning first.” you chastised before returning to your next book that was slammed together right in-front of your eyes.

“james! i was—“ you were cut off quickly by him gathering all of your books and placing them in his left arm. “what are you doing?” you questioned, looking at him with furrowed brows, to exhausted to argue with him.

“you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, your basically a study.... that muggle thing- robot! you’re a study robot! so i’m taking care of you.” he got sidetracked as he spoke in a gentle yet firm tone.

“but i have too-“ you were cut off again by his pointer finger shushing your lips together. “no, either you sit here in silence because i’m taking your books either way or you come with me to my dorm.” james spoke, resisting to your complaints.

“fine, but you have too—“ you started off, annoyed that your study time was ruined by james incessant comments about you ‘overworking yourself.’ he though, was not having any of that. “nope.” he grabbed your hand, dragging you off to the gryffindor tower.

you gave a small tired wave to sirius, peter and remus on the way to the dormitories as they were all either on the floor or splayed across the scarlet-coloured couches. sirius following with a teasing wolf whistle and wink seeing the both of you walking up the stairs.

“don’t do anything i wouldn’t do!” he chuckled, looping his arm over remus’ shoulders.

“ha, bloody, ha, padfoot. so, so funny i’m on the floor laughing.” he teased, sarcasm lacing his words in a monotone voice almost mocking snape.

you playfully rolled your eyes before being dragged up the stairs to the boys dormitory. the only noises heard were the clacks of your shoes and the soft breathing emitting from both you and your boyfriend.

your eyes were met with candies sprawled all over his poorly made bed, one of his quidditch sweatshirts paired with your favourite joggers; the ones he probably stole from your dorm room one night; because he was keen on you just staying there with him and ‘subtly’ moving all your things into his dormitory with the rest of the boys.

you looked at him with an arched brow, a silent question of ‘why are you doing this?’ ignoring your questioning look he sprawled himself on his twin-bed, his hands clasping in his lap waiting for you to change.

you put on the clothes he layed out, feeling james’ left hand tug you onto his chest when you were done. oh his soft, pillowy chest, you almost felt tempted to fall asleep right then and there.

“darling girl, tell me what’s going on?” he softly questioned while stroking your hair with one hand, his other arm stroking your back.

“i just—“ you stuttered, feeling a wave of tears glossing over your eyes. “i feel like everything is going so, so, wrong. m’so afraid of failing, i want to be better! i don’t want to be like m’terrible family, but it all feels like so much!” you mewled into his shirt, his grasp growing a bit tighter in an effort to psychically comfort you.

“baby, you’re nothing like your family, you have to know that?” he directed your vision to his gaze, the soft marks of mascara down your dampened face only made his gaze softer.

“you work so hard on trying to be not like your family, you don’t even know how amazing you truly are. you’re so generous, you’re always willing to help someone even if you don’t like them, i know i wouldn’t have that patience!” he softly chuckled, seeing a faded grin on your lips.

you sniffed as he continued his praise, “you’re such a hard worker, and i’m truly in awe of you. you’re the one person who truly puts her best foot forward and it’s so incredibly amazing, but you’re working so hard your exhausting yourself. y/n, it’s breaking me to see you like that.” you saw small wet streaks around his eyes, not truly realizing your self destructive habits had been harming people around you; had been harming him.

“jamie, i’m— im so sorry!” feeling the wash of emotions suddenly bundled up wash all over you, your nervous system feeling overwhelmed with the emotions of sadness, guilt and anger bubble up all at once. you whimpered into his shirt, spewing out mumbled apologies that were barely coherent due to all the sobs.

“shh- shh, don’t apologize.” he articulated, shifting his hips up and grabbing a folded parchment from his back pocket.

“w—whats that?” you questioned, trying to calm down the mewls and whimpers that wanted to escape your throat.

“this, darling, is a schedule.” he pointed out, a week schedule with times on it that labeled your subjects as well as times of the day. he also dedicated certain parts of every single day with “james!!” in bright red ink.

“so those,” he pointed out, directly at all the times he wrote his name leading up to the newt dates, “are times you and me spend together, no studying, just loving. so i can remind my beautiful, smart, and amazing talented loving girlfriend how astonishing she is.” he said with a grin, proud of himself.

“you really know how to charm a girl, potter.” you may have teased, but without him you don’t know what you would’ve done. james was truly your saviour, your light, stars to your moon; if you will.

he was yours, and you were definitely his. 

taglist: @fathermarty @kittykylax @terr0rizer @aspiringsloth20 @dear-luna @famdomhideout @hufflepogue

[fanficimagery]

Wildest Dreams.

Imagine it's a couple days before your wedding and your friends start coming in for your last days of freedom. Only you start having second thoughts, old feelings crop up, and you end up having a breakdown.

Words: 5.1K Warnings: This happens to be an AU with no children and Liz is alive. If a character isn't mentioned, I'm sorry. I had too many characters already.

The Mikaelsons, plus a couple of significant others, are sitting around a fire pit in the backyard of their mansion down in New Orleans after a surprisingly calm family dinner. The only one missing is Rebekah who'd gotten up to answer the door when one of Klaus' minions was dropping off some things inside. But mere seconds later she's returning, a smile gracing her lips as she reads from what appears to be an invitation in her hands.

"You have been cordially invited to witness the celebration of love between Landon Wesley and Y/N Y/L/N," she says as she retakes her seat next to Marcel. "Aw. Our little Y/N grew up so fast."

Elijah, who'd been staring into the fire, suddenly frowns. He sits up a little straighter in his seat. "Y/N is getting married?"

Skimming through the invitation, Rebekah doesn't see her brother's expression. But Klaus, Marcel, Freya, and Keelin do. "Mhm. In two weeks, but she wants me down there a couple days before for a girls thing. She said I could bring whoever I wanted, so Freya and Keelin are coming with."

"Oh. Okay," Keelin huffs. "So I guess we don't get a say in this?"

"Nope. Not at all."

Keelin rolls her eyes, but she's smiling all the while. Freya pats her wife on the back of the hand, chuckling, just as Elijah clears his throat and stands up. "Well if you excuse me, I think I'm going to call it a night."

As Elijah makes his exit, Rebekah finally lifts her head from the invitation. Klaus hides his smirk behind the glass tumbler he's sipping from as everyone else watches Elijah go with their interest piqued.

"Am I the only one who found that weird?" Keelin asks, gesturing towards where Elijah disappeared off to.

Marcel chuckles, shaking his head. "Not at all. Someone please tell me what the deal is there?"

Rebekah sighs. "Y/N holds a special place inside Elijah's heart."

"Dear Y/N is cousin to one Caroline Forbes of Mystic Falls, part of the scooby gang we once loathed." Klaus smirks. "But we never loathed Y/N."

"Not at all." Rebekah now starts to smile. "Y/N was kind, even when her family and friends plotted our deaths. She was the only one whose word we could trust and the only other person who purposely engaged 'lijah in conversation."

"We obviously thought our dear brother had a thing going on with Y/N, but he denied it every time," Klaus says. "It was because she was only seventeen at the time, but it's been years now."

"Y/N is definitely all grown up." Rebekah slowly smirks. "And definitely still asks after Elijah."

Klaus chuckles. "And it appears Elijah still harbors something for our favorite Mystic Falls resident."

"Well damn," Marcel mumbles. "We're so going to this wedding. We haven't had normal people drama in a while."

Keelin raises her glass in salute to Marcel's words. This was definitely going to be an interesting trip.

The Salvatore brothers have given up the Boarding House for the night so you could meet with your girls. Caroline took care of getting food and drinks, and Bonnie and Elena knew it was best to just stay out of Caroline's way. Because as Maid of Honor, Caroline took her duties a little too seriously.

"Can we eat yet?" Bonnie asks, already munching on a breadstick. "What are we even waiting for?"

"I'm expecting a few more friends," you say. "They're about five minutes out."

"And which friends are these?" Caroline wonders.

"Rebekah." Caroline immediately groans whereas Bonnie and Elena look uncomfortable. "Don't even give me that look," you tell your cousin. "I made Rebekah promise to be on her best behavior and she did so long as none of you made snide comments towards her. And the other two are Freya and Freya's wife Keelin."

"Freya and Keelin? How come we've never heard of them before?" Elena asks.

"Because Freya is a Mikaelson and her story was really sad," you say. "I didn't think I should tell you when I had first found out." All three girls look at you and you sigh, locking your phone and shoving it into your back pocket. "So long story short, Freya is the eldest Mikaelson. She was taken hostage by her aunt, forced to live for one year and then magically sleep for a hundred." Bonnie's eyes widen in shock. "She escaped and sought out her siblings who helped her kill their aunt so she'd finally be free. It took them a while to trust one another, but they eventually did and then Freya met Keelin. I've only spoken to them a handful of times, but they seem like great people. Just give them a chance."

The girls are quiet after learning that, but then Elena can't help but ask, "So is Freya human or..?"

"She's a witch and her wife is a werewolf." The girls all blink in surprise and you sigh. "Please. Just please give me this night and the day of my wedding. I don't need any drama."

Your pleading expression is enough to have the three of them agree and just in time as well. Elena and Caroline alert you and Bonnie that a car is pulling up, and it's not long until Rebekah, Freya, and Keelin and walking right on in.

The tension is obvious when Rebekah says hello to everyone, but the genuine smiles come out when you greet Freya and Keelin for the first time face to face, and then introduce them to Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena. Caroline, having put her best hostess persona, then leads everyone into the dining room.

Caroline and Bonnie are the only two to remain standing as everyone takes their seat, Caroline then dishing out either spaghetti or chicken alfredo while Bonnie serves up the wine. Conversation is a bit stilted, but the moment Bonnie asks Freya a question about magic it's like the flood gates open. You're surprised Freya gives up more of her story so freely and it's like a weight is lifted off your shoulders when Rebekah cracks a joke about how deranged her family is that has everyone laughing.

The food is devoured between the seven of you and by the end of dinner you've finished two bottles of wine. The third wine bottle follows you all into the lounge where more comfortable armchairs are carried in so everyone has a seat of their own after Freya and Keelin take over the loveseat.

"So," Caroline chirps as soon as she's comfortable, "are there any other Mikaelsons we should be expecting?"

Rebekah grins. "Is this your subtle way in trying to figure out if Nik is coming?"

Bonnie and Elena giggle as Caroline scoffs, but everyone sees right through her. Even Freya and Keelin who have no idea of the history between the two blonde vamps. But suddenly Freya stops giggling and leans forward in her seat, looking quite pensive. "Wait. Are you the Caroline that my brother couldn't help but compare every female to? You're that Caroline?"

"Yes. Yes she is," you say and take another sip of your wine.

"Huh. Now I get it." Freya chuckles. "You're cute and feisty, and can apparently keep up with Klaus. I approve." Keelin can't help but nod along as everyone laughs at Caroline's surprised expression.

The surprised expression quickly morphs into smugness, but then Caroline is quick to shake it off. "We're not here to talk about me. We're all here for Y/N. I was just wondering because you know how Damon and Stefan are with Klaus."

You sigh. "Which is why I've talked to them too," you say. "I know everyone has issues with each other, but it's my goddamn wedding and there will be no death threats or neck snapping or so help me I will stake somebody." Your friends and guests are stunned into silence before Keelin snorts, everyone then giving into their laughter quickly after. You too, eventually, and then you groan as you attempt to hide your face in the palms of your hands. "I just- I don't want any issues. I'm already freaking out as it is."

The laughter fades off, sympathetic expressions taking over, and it's Keelin who then leans forward in her seat, reaching for your hand and gripping it in comfort. "It's going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about. If you love- er, uh what's his name?"

"Landon."

"Landon! Yes, Landon," she chuckles. "If you love Landon, you'll be fine." Your smile falters and you don't have to be an onlooker to know that the light in your eyes dims just a little. Your pretty sure everyone's noticed it if the sudden intake of breath is anything to go by. "You do- you do love him, don't you?"

"Yes!" You blurt a little too fast. Your response is a little cringeworthy and you sigh, retaking your hand and slumping in your seat. "I mean we've been together for three years. I love him. I do, but.."

"But he's not 'lijah."

"Rebekah!" Freya is quick to scold.

"What?" The blonde Original shrugs. "You haven't seen them together. You don't understand."

"I'm not one to ever agree with your sister, but she has a point," Elena says. "Y/N and Elijah-"

"But there is no me and Elijah." The girls fall silent at the tone in your voice. "There never was." You retake your glass of wine, chugging the rest of its contents before setting your glass back down. "Now if you guys will excuse me, I need some air."

No one tries to stop you as you go and you end up on the back patio, hopping up onto the brick railing and then leaning your back against the brick pillar. The cold air outside cools your flushed face and you try not to let your mood tumble down the rabbit hole.

You knew inviting the Mikaelsons was bound to bring up the past, but you didn't think it'd affect you quite like it is now. Elijah was, for obvious reasons, a touchy subject with you and your friends knew not to bring him up. But then Rebekah broke the ice and Elena, of all people, just had to agree with her.

"Here. Put this on." You're surprised to see Freya offering you a jacket, but you take it nonetheless and offer her a small smile in thanks. She grins, placing a smoking bowl down on the railing next to her. "Sage," she explains. "It keeps the vampires from hearing."

"God I love magic."

Freya chuckles and then after a moment passes, she says, "I'm sorry about what my sister said in there. They shouldn't bring any of that up so close to your wedding."

You shrug. "It is what it is. And if I'm being honest, she's not totally wrong."

"No?"

You shake your head. "I almost didn't invite Elijah because I knew my stupid crush on him would resurface, but then I thought I'd look like an asshole if I sent out personal invites to everyone else and he saw he didn't receive one." Freya chuckles quietly and you sigh longingly. "And the closer it comes to my wedding, the more I find myself longing for those talks with your brother rather than what Landon has to offer. I miss our talks about history and just life in general," you say. "And the more I listen to Landon talk about the latest Xbox game or the stupid jokes he's heard from his coworkers, it feels like I die a little more every day on the inside."

Freya frowns a little. "I apologize if I'm overstepping, Y/N, but do you honestly love Landon? If you continue to compare him to my brother, you're just setting yourself and Landon up for heartbreak down the line."

"I know. And I love Landon. I do, but I don't think I'm as in love with him as I once thought."

"Y/N.."

The first tear falls and you huff a laugh as you wipe it away. Quietly, you rhetorically ask, "Why couldn't your brother just love me? It'd have made things so much more easier." You're so caught up in your feelings that you don't see Freya tense or her eyes widen in surprise. "I don't even know what I'm saying," you then mumble. "I'm getting married in two days. Maybe I should just lay off the wine until then."

"Uhh, yeah. Maybe." Freya agrees.

You snap out of your spiral then, eyes widening. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry for laying that on you."

"No. Don't be," she laughs. "You needed to vent and I'm glad it was me, an unbiased ear."

"Really?"

"Really. You're fine," Freya assures you. "Now come on. Let's get you inside before we freeze."

As you hop off the railing, heart aching and mind going a mile a minute, you can only hope that your mind clears in time for you to say I do to Landon. It would really be terrible to enter a marriage while longing for someone else.

The morning of your wedding dawns bright and early, and you immediately know you're in no shape to be getting married. Since Rebekah, Freya, and Keelin have come into Mystic Falls you've put on a brave face for everyone, but now there's no hiding exactly what you're feeling. Because the moment aunt Liz, Caroline, Elena, and Bonnie wake you for your big day with party horns and confetti, you burst into tears.

Immediately the cheerful atmosphere vanishes and the girls are stunned into silence. "I can't do this," you cry. "I can't do this to myself or to Landon. It's not fair to him."

"Oh sweetie." Liz takes a seat next to you on the bed, putting a comforting arm around your shoulders. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

"I'm so sorry, aunt Liz, but I can't- I just can't get married today."

Elena shifts uncomfortably next to the bed. "Y/N, if this is about us bringing up Elijah the other night I'm so sorry."

"No. No, you don't have to be sorry." Sniffling, you wipe at your eyes and look at those in the room. "I will admit to being nervous about seeing Elijah again after only talking about him brought back this stupid crush on him, but the more I thought about it," you trail off, shaking your head. "Can I really marry a human?"

Bonnie frowns. "Y/N, you are a human."

"I know that, Bon, but after everything we've been through.. knowing all that I know, can I actually settle down behind a white picket fence and pray every night that Landon doesn't ever find out about the supernatural? Whether you guys want to admit it or not, Liz and I will always be in danger because of our ties to you guys." Seeing their frowns makes your heart break just a little bit more.

"I don't mean to offend you," you say. "I love you guys alot. But I've put Landon in danger for years now and I can't risk it anymore. Because what happens when he asks for kids? I won't bring a family into our already messy lives."

"Y/N," Caroline murmurs. "The wedding is in nine hours. What are we supposed to do?"

"Compel them to forget or to be okay with the wedding being called off. I don't care. Just please do something."

"What are you going to tell Landon?" Bonnie wonders.

"I'm not sure. If I have to, I'll call in a favor from Klaus. He likes me enough to compel the groom away."

"And the caterers?"

The bedroom door suddenly swings open and Rebekah sighs as she leans against the door jamb. "Don't worry. Us Mikaelsons have a bit of money to throw around. All caterers will be told the wedding is off and to not to mention the money they've already been paid, and Landon's family will find that they're not missing a penny from their bank accounts."

It feels like a weight has been lifted off your chest. "Thank you, Bex. Thank you so much."

"Don't even worry about it," she assures you with a smile. Then pushing off the door jamb, she pastes on a smile and claps her hands once. "Okay. All vampires and witches with me. We've got a wedding to cancel."

Caroline and Bonnie are quick to rush out of the room, but Elena lingers by the bed. When you meet her gaze, she says, "If you need some time, my family's lake house is empty. You're more than welcome to take a week or two for yourself there. We'll give you some space."

"Thank you, 'Lena. Some space and time actually sounds pretty good."

"Well then it's settled," Liz says. "You go freshen up in the bathroom and I'll pack you a bag. We'll grab some groceries while everyone cancels your wedding, and then I'll drive you down to the lake house. Does that sound like a good plan?"

You offer her a faint grin. "Yeah. It does."

The moment Elena leaves the room, it seems like everything is in a fast forward motion. Liz ushers you to the bathroom where you have a good cry in the shower and then as you're getting dressed you have numerous text messages from your friends coming in to tell you how all the compulsion is going. Damon even offers to compel Landon for you, admitting that he never quite liked the human blood bag and he was glad you had come to your senses before you took the guy's last name. That had earned your first chuckle of the morning and even Liz chuckled when you had read her Damon's text.

Liz helps you put the groceries away at the lake house and then makes you promise to call her should you need anything, no matter the time. And only after you've agreed does she finally leave you all alone.

You send off one last text to your group of friends that your phone is going to be off for the time being and then promptly fall asleep in the master bedroom.

When you wake up again, it's only a little past one in the afternoon and you decide to make yourself something to eat. You eat and then settle on the couch for a little tv, only to end up outside on the dock and staring out into the water.

The time your wedding was to take place comes and goes, and you can't help but turn your phone on to see if you have any notifications. The only messages you have are from Caroline who assures you that everything's been taken care of and that she thinks you made the right decision. Hearing confirmation from your cousin eases some of your worries and you don't feel as bad about what you did.

By the time night falls, you're snuggled up on the couch and watching the best horror has to offer in order to keep your mind off any romance for the time being. You're in the middle of watching The Conjuring when there's a knock on the front door, startling a yelp out of you. Cursing your overbearing friends and their need to make sure you're really okay, you pause the movie and get up to see who it is.

Only when you open the front door you're more than a little stunned to find Elijah standing there by the top of the porch steps as he turns to face you. There's a moment where you both drink each other in and then your eyes narrow into a glare whereas Elijah's lips stretch into a smile as he steps closer to you.

"Elijah."

"Hello, Y/N."

The butterflies take flight and your heart beats double. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but what are you doing here?"

He huffs a quiet laugh. "Someone near and dear to me had to make possibly one of the most difficult decisions in their life this morning. Did you really think I wouldn't come to check up on you?"

You do your best not to swoon, smiling softly at him as you shake your head in amusement and open the door wider as an invite. "You're lucky you've already been invited in otherwise we'd be stuck out on the porch. Come on. Let's go take a seat."

Elijah follows you into the living room after shutting the door behind him and you turn off the movie so you can place all your focus on him. There's a fire going in the fireplace, but you still turn on a few lamps so you can see him properly. And when you turn back around it's to see that Elijah already made himself comfortable smack dab in the middle of the couch.

Grinning, you drop in the spot next to him with one leg curled beneath you and the other hanging off the front of the couch so your foot is planted on the floor. "Hi," you muse.

"Is it too soon to ask you what happened?"

Straight to the point as usual, his question makes you faintly cringe. But before he can take the question back, you decide to tell him. "I'm too involved with the supernatural world, Elijah. What kind of person would I be if I had dragged Landon into the mess that is our lives? He deserves to have a normal and happy life."

"And what about you? Don't you deserve to be normal and happy?"

As he speaks, you notice how his gaze drops to your mouth before quickly darting up and looking elsewhere. You try to play it off but you know your damn heart gives you away immediately when he fights off a smile. "Normal and happy is so overrated," you then manage to say. "After all that I've seen and been through, a normal life would be boring."

Elijah finally allows himself to smile. "Is that the only reason why you wouldn't marry him?"

You tense at his knowing gaze, heart beat tripling as it's your turn to avert your gaze. You'd never been good at confronting your feelings head on, especially with the person said feelings are for. So as the seconds tick on by, you can feel your face flushing. You quietly groan. "Do I really have to say it out loud? It's embarrassing."

"Y/N."

"Elijah," you retort. You manage to hold his gaze for three seconds before you break eye contact and sigh. "It was obvious I had a crush on you back when I was seventeen and apparently it's still obvious now."

"I think it's adorable."

"Of course you do." Against your better judgement you reach out to swat at his arm and your breath hitches as he catches your hand and then maneuvers it so he can press a kiss to the back of your hand. You smile sadly. "It's been you since I was seventeen and I don't think anyone can ever compare to the Elijah Mi-mmph."

Elijah stuns you by pulling you into his lap and quickly maneuvering you so your knees are on either side of his lap, his mouth slotting against yours with such ease. There's a moment where you don't know what exactly to do with your hands, but the second his hands tug on the hem of your shirt, your hands find purchase on his shoulders before sliding up the side of his neck.

It's you who breaks the kiss for some much needed air, but you don't go far because Elijah keeps you close. His hand cups the side of your jaw, but his thumb runs gently under your bottom lip. You nip at his thumb, he grins, and then you groan when your predicament finally settles in. Elijah chuckles as you drop your head to his shoulder, your hands clutching at his sides under his suit jacket.

"What are we even doing?"

"I believe you're finally going after what you truly wanted."

"And you? What about you?" You ask, shifting nervously in his lap as you sit back.

"I am making my move," he says as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear, "before someone else comes in to ask for your hand in marriage." You roll your eyes and he chuckles softly. "Since I made you admit something earlier, I will admit that I too have compared everyone to you. My family knew I held you above all else and they were quick to rub it in my face that you were to wed this evening. And earlier when I got Rebekah's call, I knew this was our chance."

"You're a big 'ol softy, Elijah Mikaelson."

"Only when it comes to you, Y/N Y/L/N."

You can't help but smile at his words, leaning in for a quick kiss. But it's not so quick as Elijah pulls you back in, peppering a few kisses across your mouth and cheeks. You giggle, but then that giggle turns into a groan. "The girls are going to be unbearable."

"Niklaus too, but I'm willing to put up with it as long as I have you by my side." You make a noise and facial expression as if you have to think about it, and Elijah gently squeezes your waist in retaliation which makes your jerk in his hold. "If you're that worried about their reactions, we can go away for a bit until everyone has had enough time to get used to our new situation."

You huff a laugh, but upon seeing Elijah's expression your amusement fades away. "You're serious."

"I am. New Orleans is a bit crowded at the moment and if I remember correctly you've always wanted to see Ireland. So what do you say to a spontaneous vacation with me?"

You blink owlishly at Elijah before your lips stretch into a smile. "Yes!" Your excitement makes him chuckle, but then you're quick to to come down. "My friends won't go for it. They'll continuously ask if I know what I'm doing and want daily updates and everything."

"They won't. And if they do, they'll have Sheriff Forbes to answer to." Your brow furrows in confusion and Elijah smirks. "How do you think I found you all the way out here? I stopped by the Forbes residence and Elizabeth was kind enough to point me in the right direction. It seems we already have one person in our corner."

"Jesus Christ," you huff. "Are we really doing this?"

"Only if you're sure you want to."

You take a moment to think things through, but before that moment can stretch on too long, you say, "Yeah. Let's do this. When do we leave?"

"Whenever you want," he tells you.

"As much as I wanna leave right now, I kind of just want to take you up to bed and get reacquainted with you."

Elijah slowly smiles. "I quite like the way you think, Miss Y/L/N."

"Then what are you waiting for, old man? Take me to bed already."

SIX MONTHS LATER

Freya and Keelin have just gotten home, a stack of mail on the hall table catching Freya's attention. Her siblings are out as usual, wrecking havoc no doubt, so on her way to the kitchen she grabs up the stack to sort through it.

As Keelin goes about grabbing the wine from the fridge and two glasses, Freya starts to filter out the trash from the stack of mail. Only halfway through the stack, one particular envelope catches her eye.

Freya starts to smile. "It seems like Elijah finally broke his silence."

"Oohh," Keelin coos. "What does he have to say? How is Y/N doing? Because last I heard not even the girls in Mystic Falls know."

Freya opens up the envelope, pulling out a picture and a letter. She smiles brightly upon seeing her brother and Y/N smiling under the Northern Lights- which is utterly adorable, in her opinion- and then goes on to read the letter to herself. Her smile slowly falters as her eyes widen in surprise. "No. They didn't," she breathes in awe. She quickly scans the picture again, her eyes lighting up as she laughs joyously. "They did!"

Keelin startles. "What? What did they do?"

Freya drops the letter and quickly flips around the picture for her wife to see. "They got married!"

"WHAT!?" Keelin practically shouts. "Let me see," she says as she hurries around the kitchen island.

Freya openly laughs now. "They got married under the Northern Lights last month. They'll finally be coming home in a couple of weeks."

Keelin grabs the photo so she can study it itself, her smile blossoming. "Oh my god. They really did get married."

"In the letter, Elijah said only Caroline and her mother know. They're going to come here first so they can figure out living arrangements and then they'll go see everyone else."

"Rebekah is going to be so pissed," Keelin muses.

"I can see it now, she's going to force a small ceremony on them when they're settled in."

"As long as I get to see Elijah smile in person as he is in his wedding photo, I'm all for it. Jesus looks at how adorable they look together."

"I know," Freya says. "I don't think my brother could have found anyone better for himself. We had only met Y/N and I immediately knew they'd be perfect for each other."

"Right?" Keelin then huffs. She looks at the picture one last time before setting the picture down. "We need to blow that up and hang it on the wall. Getting married under the Northern Lights was such a neat idea."

"Mhm. So much better than that Christmas themed wedding she originally had planned."

Keelin chuckles. "I thought I was the only one who thought the Christmas theme was tacky."

"Oh no. Rebekah secretly hated it too, but she didn't want to upset Y/N. She will, however, be upset she missed the Northern Lights wedding."

"I mean I'm pretty bummed, but I'm also excited for them to get home so we can pick their brains and get to the bottom of whatever the hell they were thinking. I'm super stoked for them, but I also want to know who proposed to who and everything!"

"Same here." Freya turns towards her wife, wrapping her arms around her waist while Keelin settles her arms around Freya's neck. "But until then we got family to inform of the couple's new status. Not it!"

"Not i- dammit!" Keelin pouts, she now having to be the one to inform Klaus and Rebekah. "I hate it when you do that."

Freya laughs. "Better luck next time. Now let's go. I can't wait to see their reactions."

[nocturnalwildflower]

hurt; asher adams

summary: y/n finally opens up to asher about suffering from mental illnesses and self-harming

warning(s): SELF-HARM, depression, anxiety, cursing, mentions of parents dying, trauma, asher being cute af (not a warning but prepare yourselves hehe)

wc: 5.0k

A/N (PLEASE READ): I hope you all enjoy this and I lowkey got the idea from my own struggles with depression and anxiety, and I wanted to shine a light on self-harm although I haven’t experienced it personally. Please do not read this is self-harm or depression is a trigger for you as the whole basis of this one shot is self-harm and depression and the demons you face. Remember it’s okay to talk, and if you’re suffering, PLEASE get help. This one shot is an in-depth reality of depression that most people don’t know about and the aftermath of a depressive episode

masterlist ♡ prompt list

It was no secret to the Baker family that Y/N suffered with depression and severe anxiety because of her past. When Y/N’s parents passed away in a horrible car accident when she was only 6, Laura and Billy had no hesitation when it came to adopting her as one of their own as they were best friends with Y/N’s parents. It became apparent early on that Y/N suffered from depression and anxiety due to the trauma she had experienced, therefore the Bakers’ tried everything they could to make her feel safe, welcome and happy as well as sending her to therapy. The majority of the time, Y/N had a really good handle on things and went years without having a depressive breakdown, however, this year marked 10 years without her parents. The closer the day came, the more breakdowns she suffered, and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder why her parents had to die that day.

Not that she didn’t appreciate everything the Bakers’ have done for her, but she couldn’t help but wonder how much happier she would be if her parents didn’t die in that accident; how she wouldn’t be suffering and feeling like the only release was self-harming. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone how she was feeling, so she just resorted to self-harm as a way of releasing the pain, which seemed to be working. Her thoughts were interrupted when Billy knocked on her door and peaked her head in.

“Hey sweetie. No school again today?” he asked in a heavyhearted tone. Honestly, it broke his heart to see Y/N suffer with depression and begin her spiral into a depressive episode. He knew that there was only so much they could to for her, which included getting her a therapist whom she sees off and on depending on how bad her depressive breakdowns are. Y/N let out a sigh before responding.

“Next week, I promise!” she said in a somewhat cheery tone. Billy knew that this was just a ruse to get him to leave her room, however it did the opposite and he took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Sweetie, I think it’s time we put in a call to Dr. Morales and get you some appointments set up. We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer like this … please consider it,” he said, and Y/N’s eyes began to fill with tears. She knew that things were getting out of hand if he was suggesting therapy again, and she knew it meant she was going to have to face her demons yet again. Her lip began to quiver before she let out a cry, burying her head into his shoulder while he consoled her. She continued to sob, not knowing how to control her emotions and letting out as many tears as she could to get rid of the pain, even if it only a temporary form of release. Eventually, she had calmed herself down enough to speak to him.

“Billy, thank you so much for everything you and Laura have done for me over the past 10 years. I know this is hard to deal with, having a daughter with mental health issues, but I’m trying so hard to battle these demons like I have all the other times, it’s just too hard for me to do this alone …” Y/N said while wiping away her tears.

“You’re not alone Y/N. You have all of us here, and we will continue to support you until you are better. You know how much we love you and you know how much you’ve impacted our life, in a good way, but I think maybe it’s time to be honest with Asher about it … he’s going to find out eventually, and maybe if he knew what was happening, he could help you through this with us,” Billy said. He knew that having her boyfriend by her side through this battle would help her drastically; Y/N looked at him with a sorrow look in her eyes before responding.

“I-I know I need to tell him … I’m just not ready for him to see me this vulnerable yet. I promise, I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” she replied in a raspy voice. He smiled before giving her a kiss on the forehead and leaving her alone to be with her thoughts. No one knew she had been self-harming, so it was easy for them to leave her alone for the duration of the day; she hadn’t done it in a few days, and although there was a small voice inside her head that kept telling her to just pick up a blade and do it. She waited until she heard the front door close, signaling everyone was gone, before getting up and heading towards the bathroom. Y/N inhaled sharply before she opened the drawer where she kept her tools, staring at the blade for a few seconds, contemplating if this was the right thing to do and thinking about what Billy said to her. “We all love you so much and we hate seeing you suffer.” They loved her and they had given her so much, so why couldn’t she just let this go and stop? She inhaled sharply before picking up a blade, bringing it to her skin, and cutting, letting out a small whimper as the blood began to come out from her skin.

-

Back at school, Asher knew something was up with Y/N. The twins kept telling him that she was sick, but she had been dodging his calls and texts all week. He knew something was wrong because even if she was sick, there was no reason why she was avoiding his calls; usually all she wanted when she was sick was to cuddle with him and spend time with him. He decided to pull out his phone and text her one last time to see if maybe she was in the mood to talk about what was going on.

Hey baby, I know we’ve barely talked at all this week but I just wanted to say that you’re an amazing girlfriend and I can’t wait until you’re better so I can come see you!

He knew she more than likely wouldn’t respond, which wasn’t like her at all. To his surprise, his phone vibrated, and his face lit up when he saw that it was Y/N’s contact. The text was just a simple “You too,” but that was enough for him to have some concerns … she was always one to use emojis for almost everything and would usually get upset if he wasn’t using them enough.

“Okay guys, seriously what’s happening with Y/N? It’s almost like she’s fallen off the face of the earth, she’s hardly answering any texts, and she hasn’t been to school all week… I know she isn’t sick,” Asher said as he caught up to Jordan and Olivia after the final bell rang. Jordan let out a sigh, knowing that it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was really happening with her however he knew they had to tell him something to get him off their backs.

“Asher, it’s just best that you talk to her yourself, it’s not up to Olivia and I to tell you what’s going on with her, it’s her choice on whether she wants you to know. I’m home by myself tonight, why don’t you come over and see her for yourself?” Jordan replied in a somewhat annoyed tone.

“Sounds good,” Asher said before getting into his car. He knew Jordan had a point, it wasn’t up to him and Olivia to tell him what was happening with his girlfriend. He hadn’t told her yet, but he was in love with her and cared about her more than anyone even realized. The boys on the team constantly made fun of him for how much he cared about her, but now he was beginning to think something else was going on with her. Was she cheating on him and couldn’t tell him? Did he come on too strong and force her into a relationship when she wasn’t ready? Did she want to break up and felt like couldn’t say anything to him about it? These thoughts kept flooding his mind from the time he walked in the door of his house until the time he left to go hang out with Jordan and get to the bottom of this behaviour.

-

Later on that evening, Y/N was sitting quietly watching her favourite show when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. She already knew it was Jordan because he was the only one home that night, so she closed her laptop and told him to come in. He peaked his head in before opening the door wider to reveal her boyfriend Asher, angering her.

“Jordan, I said I didn’t want any visitors. Asher included!” Y/N said angrily. Jordan just shrugged before mumbling a quick ‘sorry’ and turning around to exit her room, leaving Asher alone in her doorway. She rolled to face the opposite side of the room in order to avoid looking at him, hoping that he would get fed up with her and leave, however this act did the complete opposite.

“Y/N, you’ve been couped up in this room for over a week now … You’re dodging everyone’s calls and texts, skipping school, sulking away in your room and shutting us out. This isn’t like you at all, what is happening?” he asked in a soft, loving tone. Asher wanted her to open up about why she was feeling this way, even though he knew it was because the anniversary of her parents’ death was coming up. He had seen it before, she usually got sad for about a week but was okay otherwise, however this was different and something he had never seen before; he has never seen her shut her friends out and completely isolate herself from the rest of the world.

“Asher go away,” Y/N mumbled to her boyfriend as she sat up, staring at him with a somber look. Asher moved closer to her, eventually sitting on the end of her bed and staring into her gorgeous eyes. He could tell something was wrong with her; her hair was up in a bun that looked like it hadn’t been taken out in days, her eyes were puffy, the colour in her face was gone and she looked like she hadn’t eaten in days either. He hated seeing her suffer like this and knew he had to do something about it.

“Y/N, please tell me what’s happening. I want to be here for you, but I can’t unless you open up and tell me what’s wrong,” he responded, keeping his eyes on Y/N.

“It’s been 10 years Ash, 10 years since I last saw or spoke to my parents and I can’t even explain to you how much pain I’m in because of it. I’m so fucking embarrassed that it’s come to this, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling and tell anyone how bad my depression had gotten, so I found another way to cope with the pain …” Y/N replied in a somber tone. She inhaled sharply before lifting up her sleeve hesitantly and exposing her forearm. Realistically, this was not a conversation she was prepared to have with him; quite frankly she never wanted him to find out and she was hoping this would all blow over before she needed to tell him. Y/N tried her best to keep the tears from rolling for her face, but they slowly started to fall from her beautiful Y/E/C orbs. She felt like she was being weak, risking her relationship with Asher by being vulnerable and showing him how much she was struggling.

Asher kept his eyes fixed on Y/N’s forearm. There was a slight discolouration where she had cut her arm with a razor blade recently as well as some faded scars further up her arm. He felt completely infuriated with himself that he let his girlfriend go through this alone and that she felt like she couldn’t come to him for help. He knew something was up when she never wanted to spend the night with him, but he blew it off because he didn’t want to pressure her into anything she didn’t want to do. He began to ponder about why she never came to him for help, until he realized that he had been so focused on keeping his endurance up during the off season and focusing on the next football season that he completely neglected her. Asher took Y/N’s hand into his, interlacing their fingers while gently lifting her chin so their eyes met.

“Y/N I’m so sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with this. I’m so angry that I let you go through this alone and made you believe that I wouldn’t support you. I want you to know that I’m still here, and I don’t plan on leaving. I’m here baby, you don’t need to hold on to this alone anymore because we’re going to get through this together. You have no idea how much better my life is because you’re in it, you have no reason to ever doubt this relationship and I’m not going to lose you because of your mental health,” he said, bringing his lips gently to her. More tears began rolling down her face as he continued to kiss her, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer to him. She gently pulled herself away from him before speaking up.

“Ash, you were so busy with training and I didn’t want to bother you with this because-” she began before Asher cut her off.

“Y/N enough. You and your mental health are much more important than anything right now, I’m here for you and we’re going to get through this because I love you so much it fucking hurts. Watching you spiral into a depressive episode is not something I want to see happen and I would do anything for you, you know damn well I’m not letting you go through this alone,” he replied with a smile. Y/N felt the butterflies in her stomach when she heard him say it. Those 3 little words. The words she thought she would never hear anyone tell her. I love you. She couldn’t believe that Asher Adams actually said that to someone like her when he just witnessed her in a state of depression. Y/N tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and looked at him with loving eyes.

“Y-you love me?” she asked in a quiet tone. Asher gave her a confused look and laughed.

“Who wouldn’t? Y/N, you are hands down one of the best people to be around and you always make sure everyone is always having a good time. You’re smart, kind, caring, beautiful … the list could go on all day. You have no idea how happy I was when you agreed to go out with me, and I’m so thankful for everything you’ve done to help me and how happy you’ve made me. Now it’s time to get you back to being as happy as you were when we first started dating. I’ll say it again, Y/N Y/L/N I fucking love you, despite the demons you are currently battling” he said in a soothing voice, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers again. Y/N gently placed her hand on his neck and pulled him closer so that he was laying on top of her. She had to admit that it felt good to finally have this burden off her shoulders and she felt so much better now that Asher knew the truth. He pulled away and looked her up and down before speaking.

“Why don’t you spend the night at my place? You’ve been couped up in this room for over a week and a change of scenery might be good, plus if you’re up for it we could talk about all of this. Like I said Y/N, we’re going to get through this together because I love you,” he said in a soft tone, caressing her cheek and leaning in for one more small kiss. Y/N looked at him with loving eyes and smiled before she responded.

“I love you too … please take me home with you, that’s all I want right now babe,” she whimpered out in a soft voice. Asher proceeded to pack her a bag with everything she needed to spend the night at his place and grabbed her hand, gently leading her down the stairs and into his car. She had to admit that even something as small as leaving her bed made her feel better to some degree, but she knew this was only one small step towards beating this illness.

-

As soon as they walked in the door, Asher sat her down and made them both something to eat, making sure her meal was full of food that made her feel happy, however the smile on her face quickly faded when the food was placed in front of her. Demon #1: having to eat your first meal after a depressive breakdown. Asher picked up on this behaviour rather quickly and placed his hand in hers, grabbing her attention.

“I know it’s going to be hard for you to eat after that depressive breakdown, but you haven’t eaten in days baby. You need food in your system, please just try,” he said in a heavyhearted tone, earning him a half-smile and a small nod from his girlfriend. Truth be told, she didn’t want to eat; she was too embarrassed about what had just happened and was so emotionally exhausted to think about anything, her mind kept drifting and she kept thinking about how much she wanted this moment to be over so she could sleep the pain away. Y/N finished about half the food her lovely boyfriend had made for her, however this was more than enough to satisfy him, he was just proud that she tried for him.

After they finished eating, Asher took it upon himself to de-tangled Y/N’s hair from the bun it had been in before leading her to the shower and helping her strip down, knowing that she was too emotionally exhausted to do it all herself. He joined her in the shower, helping her wash her hair and comb it out, in addition to making sure her body was clean. He always kept a bottle of her shampoo, conditioner and body wash as his house, just in case she ever needed it while staying there. He made sure he had a warm towel for her afterwards and helped her brush her teeth; he picked her up bridal style, bringing her into his bedroom and gently laying her on the bed, staring into her eyes that were still as beautiful as the first time he looked at them.  

Y/N laid her head on Asher’s chest, eyes focused on the movie that was playing on the flat screen television in front of them. He was too busy admiring her, thinking about how much he loved her and how lucky he was to have a girl like her, despite what she was going through. Her breathing was stable and somehow, she seemed to look even more perfect than earlier; she was playing with the hem of Asher’s shirt and turned to face him, catching him staring at her. She gently pushed herself up, closing the gap between them and bringing their lips together when his hands found their way around her waist, positioning her body on top of him. Her hands found their way to his head, ruffling his hair up while he pulled her in tighter, moving his lips from her mouth to her neck while mumbling a quick ‘I love you’ and placing his hands on her bum, before she stopped him.

“Asher I can’t … I can’t have sex with you this just isn’t the right time,” Y/N said in a fearful but quiet voice. Demon #2: being intimate with him after he just saw you in a vulnerable state. She began to tremble and proceeded to let out a small cry, releasing the tears she was holding in and placing her head in the crook of his neck. He began to slowly rub her back and coo in her ear to calm her down.

“Woah Y/N, that’s not what I was doing my love. Of course I want to have sex with you and show you how much I love you, but right now if definitely not the time. You don’t owe me anything, especially not your virginity, I love you whether we have sex or not. Just come here, try to stay calm and breathe babe,” Asher cooed as he let Y/N sob into his neck. He continued to rub her back, knowing that the only way she was going to progress towards success was by letting her release all of her emotions appropriately and he continued to coo in her ear until she began to calm down. His shirt was absolutely drenched in her tears, however eventually, she had stopped crying, pulling away to look at her boyfriend before she took a deep breath and began to speak.

“I’m sorry Asher I-” she began before he cut her off.

“Y/N, no apologizing please. Are you okay? What do you need me to do right now to make you feel safe and comfortable?” he asked in a soft tone. She put all her focus into taking nice, big, deep breaths as he continued to rub her back until he was given any sort of direction from her.

“Just lay here with me and hold onto my tightly, don’t let go until I fall asleep,” Y/N responded in a calm tone. Asher happily positioned himself so that their bodies were in the perfect position, he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she sighed in relief, giving him the impression that this was perfect; they laid there peacefully and quietly until they both snoozed off.

-

The following morning, Y/N woke up alone in Asher’s bed, knowing he was downstairs making her breakfast; he knew she hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep due to her anxiety and knew she would appreciate catching up on her sleep. She sat up on his bed and stretched, rolling onto the other side of the bed to check her phone; as expected, she had a text from Laura telling her that Billy and Jordan had filled her in on what was going on and reminded her that she was so loved in their family. She smiled, knowing that she had a wonderful family that will help her through this and an even more amazing boyfriend what would be by her side through all of the struggles. She shot a quick text back to her mom thanking her, just as Asher came around the corner with 2 plates of breakfast, placing one in front of Y/N. She noticed that her plate had a tad less food on it than his, which didn’t cause her much anxiety given the fact that she didn’t finish all of her food the previous night. He sat next to her on the bed and watched in awe as his girlfriend was eating, free of any nervous expression and looking like she was actually enjoying the food. He stayed quiet and let her enjoy her meal in peace before he spoke up.

“So your dad called me … you know that this means you’re going to have to call your therapist and start seeing him on a regular basis again right?” Asher said as his girlfriend took a sharp breath in. Demon #3: speaking to a therapist for the first time and admitting what you had was a depressive breakdown. She knew that this was coming, she just didn’t realize it would be so soon; Asher picked up on her body language and gently kissed her cheek while moving her chin with his finger so that she was facing him.

“You know that I’m here baby, you don’t need to go through this alone. I promise I will be here for you to make sure you take that little pill every day … hell I’ll even drive you to all of your appointments if I have to. Whatever it will take to help you get through this,” he said in a soothing tone. Y/N had to admit that he was taking this much better than she thought he was going to, and she kept hoping that he was going to genuinely keep his word to her about being there through all of this.

“I’m going to call them on Monday and make the appointment,” she replied in a low voice, resulting in a grin being plastered on his face. Asher slowly closed the gap between the two of them, bringing his lips to hers and caressing her cheek with one hand, while the other snaked around her waist, pulling her in closer. He couldn’t help but fall in love with her even more each time she found a new demon to battle and knowing that with all the love and support she was receiving from her family she was more than capable of beating them.

“Y/N, if you ever feel like you don’t trust yourself to be alone please call me. I don’t care if it’s 3am on a school night, if you don’t feel safe being alone I will come and get you, or I’ll stay on the phone with you as long as you need to me. I’ve said it 100 times and I’ll say it again, I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Asher replied giving her a kiss on the forehead and holding her close. It still absolutely broke his heart that she had been going through this for weeks without anyone knowing and she was still too scared to tell her own family that she self-harmed; but he made her a promise and he fully intended on keeping it.

Throughout the day, Y/N’s mood seemed to improved little by little, although it wasn’t exactly where Asher wanted it to be, he was still thankful that Y/N was trying her best. The couple had just decided to lounge around Asher’s place, listening to slow music and enjoying each other’s company while Y/N opened up to her boyfriend a little bit more about what had been going on with the depression. He was extremely proud of her for finally opening up to him about her situation and he was grateful that she trusted him enough to come to him so he could support her. The couple was currently dancing around his kitchen, being natural and goofy like they always were.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited JJ, Spencer and Jordan over to hang out with us for a little bit later on tonight … if you don’t want them coming I can tell them not to,” Asher mentioned while he and Y/N were cooking dinner. Demon #4: returning to socialization with your friends after you have a depressive breakdown. Although this made Y/N nervous, she knew that it was something that had to be done in order to get her back on the right track with her mental health; she nodded her head and pulled her boyfriend in for a loving kiss, when they head the doorbell ring.

“Speak of the devils,” Y/N joked with a smile. Asher reciprocated the smile as he went to the door to greet his 3 best friends. Obviously JJ pulled her in for a friendly hug and made some kind of joke about how he feels like he hasn’t seen her in a while, not knowing the real reason; mind you, Y/N wasn’t ready for anyone else except for her family and Asher to know what was happening. The boys had skipped along into the kitchen and sat down, however, Jordan stayed behind and had a proud look on his face.

“I’m glad this happened Y/N. I’m proud of you for being honest with Asher about what was going on and you know we’re all going to be here with you when you battle this disease again … no matter how many times your depression comes back, we’re here for you,” Jordan said in a small voice so no one else would hear their conversation. She gave her brother a hug, muttering a quick ‘thank you’ and letting a couple of tears fall from her eyes. She gave him a smile as she pulled away and quickly wiped away her tears, taking a deep breath, and joining the boys at the table outside.

As Y/N laughed at one of the lousy jokes JJ made, Asher couldn’t take his eyes off her and was genuinely happy to see her laughing and having a good time, even though he knew that this boost in energy and confidence wouldn’t last all that long; he was just happy that in that moment, she was truly enjoying herself. He knew that helping her battle her depression was going to be an uphill battle and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he was planning on sticking to his word and staying by her side through this fight. He knew that his life wouldn’t be the same without her and all he wanted was for her to be better so they could move on to the next chapter of their lives together. All he wanted to do was help her beat this because he loved her, and he would do anything to prove to her that he was here to stay, no matter what it took.

[the-str33tz]

I’m doing just fine

Jotaro Kujo x AFAB Reader

This fic was written while listening to the Boyz II Men song “Doin’ Just Fine”

Summary: Years after leaving you to raise your daughter by yourself, Jotaro Kujo comes back with one thing in mind; wanting to be a father and husband.

Content warnings: Angst, pregnancy, arguing around children.

Your grip on the flimsy pregnancy test tightened as you glanced over the results. Positive. Maybe looking it over again will give you a different result. Positive. Blink a couple times. Positive, positive, positive. Your world came to a halt as you shiver while sitting on the toilet. What were you going to do? You weren’t ready for a child at your age. What would you tell him?

Thoughts of your boyfriend wave and crash in your mind. Jotaro Kujo, the silent and cold man from Japan who you had fallen in love with. In just a bit over year you both had become each others rock. He had walked into your life when you thought everything was lost, and it seemed like it was the same for him too. He didn’t talk too much about it but you could piece it together. He had gone through a traumatic experience as a teenager that left people that he knew dead. You didn’t question him too much, letting him come to you when he was ready.

This was going to crush him as much as it was going to crush you. Jotaro had brought up how eventually he’d like to have a family; have a successful career in marine biology and have multiple sons. But right now you were both in college, living off whatever you can get your hands on. He’s definitely had an easier ride than you but he always helped you without expecting anything in return.

You start to think back to a couple weeks ago when you had sex, an activity you both partook in regularly. There was something different that night, he was out of condoms but you both agreed that he’d be able to pull out in time. It seems that he pulled out a bit late. Embarrassment heats up your neck and up your face. A headache begins to take over when you hear a knock at your apartment door. It has to be Jotaro you think. He was clued in to your scare earlier today so he must be here to see the results.

You quickly clean and dress yourself hearing harsher and faster knocks. He was never the most patient. Running over to the door and greeting him, he lets himself in to walk to the bathroom. You try to catch up to him trying to talk but fumbling your words. You walk into the bathroom where he’s leaning over the counter, hands in fists. He looks over at you with a look in his eyes that you had never seen before. Fear.

You stay where you are, keeping your distance. You never liked too much physical attention and were grateful that he was the same. You can feel your forehead crease with your eyebrows, your eyes beginning to sting from keeping your eyes open at him. “What are we going to do?” You cough up while shaking. He loosens his fists, “We now have a responsibility as parents, but I can’t do this.” And with that he pushed you aside and started to head out the door. You lean against the door frame finally letting loose all the tears that refused to come out moments ago.

Seven years later you live in a small home with your daughter who you named Jolyne. She is the apple of your eye, your sunshine that motivates you everyday. She has green eyes that she got from her fathers side of the family but she looked like you in every other way. You had given up your education all those years ago but seeing your daughter run to you everyday after school made you think that you’d do it all over again if you had to. You make your way up the walkway of the tiny primary school, strain in your ankles from a long day of work. Thoughts of dinner swirling your mind before you stop in your tracks. Jolyne hugging her teachers leg looking away while a tall man with a ripped cap talking to the teacher knocks you into reality. There’s no possibility right? He wouldn’t have the balls to try to sidestep you to see your daughter. But you were proved wrong after you jog up to the teacher.

“Jolynes mother should be here soon I do not know of Jolyne having a father.”

“I’ll wait here to talk with her.”

You catch the end of their conversation, going in to pat your hand on Jolynes back. She turns to you and immediately grips your leg yelling, “Mommy this man says that he’s my dad, is that true?” You look up at the man and you’re immediately taken aback. Turquoise blue eyes are staring you down with the old frown that you used to love. “You really suck you know that?” You scoffed, kneeling down to take Jolyne in for a hug. Her black hair tickling your chin as she nuzzles into your neck. “Yes baby that’s your father like in the pictures remember?” You coo into her ear.

“I came to see you.” He states in his familiar deep voice. You stand up, taking a light grip on Jolynes tiny hand. You give him the strongest glare that you’re able to muster up, snapping, “You probably already know where we live so why did you come here? Forget it, just follow me. We live about a block away.” He grunts and nods at you, allowing you to walk in front of him with your daughter in hand. You thank the teacher for taking care of your daughter before you begin to stomp off.

Jotaro lets his eyes wander down your figure, watching how you walk. He can’t help but feel his chest tighten looking at you hand in hand with his child. This was a sight he had always wanted but he never let himself indulge in it until today. He lets you lead him into your tiny home; two bedrooms with a shared bathroom, a small living area, and a kitchen with little to no counter space. You kneel down again to talk to Jolyne, telling her to go do her homework and to let the grownups speak. She gives Jotaro a small glance before running in her room.

“Where have you been? Why are you here now?”

“I just got back from a trip in Japan for work. I wanted to come back to see how you were doing. I also need to apologize, I made a big mistake. I shouldn’t have walked away from you all those years ago.” Jotaro takes off his white hat letting his hair dark hair fall out of place. You can feel yourself tensing up, you really didn’t want to have this sort of conversation with Jolyne in the house. She doesn’t know everything that happened with Jotaro and you didn’t want her to hear any arguing or yelling. You sigh, “Why did you think showing up at my daughters school was appropriate? You could have called me and we could have spoken in private. I know Jolyne is also your daughter but you haven’t been around as a father, not even when I took that test when we were both twenty one.” You motion for him to sit on the old couch in your living room. One that was on clearance at a rent center years ago when Jolyne was only a year old.

He sits down causing a big dip and creaking. His face goes solemn, looking down at his black and white boots. “I never meant to take your love away like that. I wasn’t ready to be a father and I wanted both of you to be safe.” He looks up at you with disappointment dripping off his features. You sit down next to him, smoothing out your work clothes and relaxing your ankles. “I know you weren’t ready to be a father but you know what Jotaro? I wasn’t ready to be a mother either. You left me alone, I had to leave university so I could raise my baby the way she deserves. You got to finish your education and seem to be doing well, I don’t know why you think making a tired apology will do you any better.” You whispered close to him. His eyes hadn’t left yours, listening intently to what you had to say. He leaned close to you acknowledging, “I am aware of the sacrifices you made for our daughter, I didn’t allow myself to be the proper father I should be. Please allow me to be a part of her life. I know you’ve most likely moved on from our love but I’ve thought about you everyday since then. I sat in my dorm, refusing to leave because I didn’t want to have to go out. I didn’t want to see you walk by and breakdown. Please understand that I’ve wanted to be the father and husband that you both deserve but I thought that I’d bring you nothing but danger. I need to be here for both of you, I want to give you a better home and a better life. Let me take care of you.”

You could feel tears wanting to spill out, why did he think he would be too dangerous to be around both of you? Could it have something to do with what happened to him when he was a teenager? “It may seem hard to believe but I’m doing just fine. We’ve been getting along very well without you. Time has made me stronger and you’re not longer on my mind.” That bit at the end was a lie, you thought about him everyday like he had about you. You had a picture of him in your wallet and in one of the drawers in your bedroom. He placed a hand over yours, covering it completely and squeezing lightly.

“You are my earth, my number one priority. You were the last woman I gave my love to, and I plan for it to only be you. You could ask me to do anything and it’d be as good as done.” Jotaro moves his other hand up to lay over your shoulder, wrapping it around your back. You sink into his white coat letting your tears waterfall down your face. He soothes your back warmly while wrapping his arms around you, squeezing you into his chest. “I really needed you Jotaro I really did. You let our love fall apart and I really want to say that you no longer have my heart and that I’m doing just fine. I haven’t had too much time to worry about myself because I’m everywhere doing everything.” He lets you ramble on against him.

You pull back after a while, looking back into his turquoise eyes, “I’ll only allow you back if Jolyne is okay to have you around. I want her to have the choice to get to know you but if she doesn’t want to, I won’t force her.” He nods, squeezing your hand again before letting his thumb rub across the back of your hand.

[whenimgoodandready]

🚨GUYS! I THINK I JUST CAME TO A SUSPICIOUS THEORY ABOUT ZOE! A.K.A. THE NEW QUEEN BEE!🚨

Ever since we were (partially) introduced to Zoe (a.k.a. New Queen Bee) we’ve all had these theories about her from her blurry pics to her face reveal and it ranged from “Chloe in disguise” to “secret sibling” (before we found out she was legit her own person). But I’ve had this theory about her from a couple of years ago and I think she’s a sentimonster sent out for Marinette! My friend @wild-mare-of-prosecution thought so too! From Chloe’s negative feelings! Like what happened with “Sentibug” in “Ladybug”, we believe she was created by Hawk Shadow Moth to befriend Ladybug, gain her trust, make her the new Queen Bee (Vesperia in her case) and then steal it for him! You may be wondering what this has to do with Marinette since he doesn’t know she’s Ladybug? Well, I’ll explain! Ahem:

From one of the trailers for Season 4, Marinette is having a breakdown over a full plate of responsibilities now that she’s the guardian of the miracle box and is forced to distance herself from her loved ones such as her boyfriend, friends and family in order to keep it a secret which gets the girl squad upset and akumatized in a soon-to-be episode cuz of it. I don’t know if this will eventually be resolved in the end like most eps or they’ll see each other less and less as the season (or show) goes on, but here’s where Zoe comes in.

Meet Zoe! (Not sure if it’s pronounced Zoe or Zoey, but we’ll find out later). She’s gonna be the new Queen Bee (Vesperia) and befriend Marinette and is “very sweet”.......that’s it, that’s all we know of her! I’m sure we’ll get more intel when the season comes out and get to know her a lot better. As mentioned from above, some fans assumed she was a long lost or “secret sibling”, like a twin, of Chloe or Chloe herself in disguise, but no! It’s genuinely Zoe as her own person and everything. A lot of fans have pointed out that her outfit vaguely resembles Marinettes only with the color yellow and how it was suspicious. A funny thing is when fans thought it was Chloe in (paper thin) disguise (or trying and failing to be a better person to earn back her miraculous) from the blurry pics, they believed this is how Chloe thought “poor” people dressed and tried to be nice to Marinette hoping Ladybug would notice and give her back her miraculous! Lol! Any who, my friend pointed out how she also looked kinda like Alix , and then Juleka, and then it hit her! (ding)💡She looks like a mix of the whole girl squad!

She has Marinettes clothes!

They wear a white T-shirt w/ a pink flower(s) on it under a black jacket and signature color coded pants! Marinette (pink) and Zoe (yellow).

Alix’s funky shoes!

Alix wears those colored checkerboard patterns and Zoe’s are a rainbow abstract graffiti art type that Alix does in art class!

Julekas streak!

Both have it on their bangs! Juleka (purple) and Zoe (pink).

Roses sweetness!

Rose is the most sensitive, innocent and sweetest girl in school and the only personality trait we got from Zoe is that she’s “very sweet” (note the quotation marks in that. It means something suspicious).

Possibly a replacement best friend and #1 Fan to Marinette and Ladybug from Alya!

Because of the stress of superhero life combined with her new guardianship along with her school/social/love life, Marinette has no time for hang outs with Alya (and the squad) and we know how annoyed she (Alya) is with her constant weird excuses to “disappear”. Zoe might fill in that spot since she she’s the newest girl in the show and might instantly bond with Marinette and won’t mind her weird excuses and disappearances. She could also be a huge fan of Ladybug after Ladybug saves her from a sentimonster on a motorbike and there was one scene where Ladybug was giving the Fox miraculous to someone off-screen and it might be Zoe! (before the bee miraculous that is) cuz she can’t give it to Alya anymore sadly due to last seasons events.

And (not a member of the girl squad, but it’s too obvious to not lampshade) Chloe’s looks!

Blonde✅Blue Eyed✅Wear Yellow✅Have (Had) Bee Miraculous✅Nice Personality Chloe(❌) and Zoe (✅). Yeah that’s the only major difference. Could they be polar opposites to each other? Are they related? Who the f**k knows! But I’m saying she’s (Zoe) a sentimonster and my friend says she’s Chloe’s sentimonster from her anger/jealousy that Zoe will be taking her place as the new Queen Bee.

As for Mylene, well uh.............uhhhhhhh

.........they both wear headwear? (crickets chirp). Okay, so it’s a stupid reason! But I had to include Mylene in here with something! :P.

Now that I’ve explained how my friend found out Zoe is a Frankenstein’s (senti)monster mash up of the girl squad to possibly replace them all, you’re probably still wondering where all this all fits in with Marinette. Weeeeeeell, Remember “Ladybug”? Well, in that ep., Lila had done the impossible......get Marinette akumatized! She had her framed for cheating, violence and theft which got her expelled and make her and everyone else feel miserable. With all those negative feelings, it nearly got her and everyone else akumatized as a repeat of the “Heroes Day” special cuz everyone loves Marinette so much and it kills them inside that she won’t be around much like how they thought Ladybug had turned evil and killed Cat Noir (actually an illusion by Volpina) which upset everyone to get akumatized. Fortunately, Catalyst felt faint so the repeat backfired.

I’m guessing Shadow Moth is using Zoe being a sentimonster made up by him to earn her trust as much as Ladybugs to steal the bee miraculous and hand it over to him, but with Marinette, he really wants to target her since he’s failed to due so a few times and believes making her “Princess Justice” will do the trick in finally defeating Ladybug and Cat Noir to get their miraculouses. He senses how miserable and frustrated Marinette is with practically no friends, so he created Zoe to befriend her and then later when it’s revealed she’s a sentimonster, it crushes Marinette so much, that she’s still friendless, alone, betrayed and lied to, that she’ll be akumatized fully and Shadow Moth will win cuz now there’s no Ladybug to stop him and she’ll probably hand over the Ladybug miraculous to him herself! Don! Don! Don!

That’s my theory along with my friends. And now, we wait for the truth😑.

[ayybtch]

Psychotic

Bucky Barnes x f!Reader

Summary: You really love animals, Bucky not so much. A random TikTok brings to light exactly what Bucky thinks of you.

Word Count: 1,776

Warnings: Being told no to getting animals, a couple swear words here and there, blink and you miss it suggestiveness, and a very strange TikTok

A/N: Happy Valentines Day everyone! I watched this TikTok months ago and absolutely lost it when I saw it, so definitely give it a watch! Dividers made by the lovely @firefly-graphics​

A Mutual Weirdness Masterlist

Days off were a rare occurrence for Bucky. Rarer still were days off that coincided with yours, and it practically required cosmic intervention for both of you to be off on a weekend. This was the first Saturday Bucky had off in almost two months and he planned on spending it doing absolutely nothing.

He made a point to sleep in and stay in bed as long as he possibly could. Once the grumbling of his stomach finally won out, the day would start off with a giant breakfast followed by a long, hot shower. The remainder of the day would involve him sitting on his ass while enjoying a good book or watching TV. He’d stay where he was until he needed to eat and that’s the way he liked it.

Today, he wanted to make some progress on the strange Romanian murder-mystery novel Wanda had recommended. She swore up and down that it was one of the best she’s ever read, but so far Bucky was not impressed. The pacing was too slow, the characters were too dull, and the murder itself was not all that intriguing. He would have stopped already if it hadn’t been for Wanda pestering him about it.

He had been laying on the couch completely immersed for almost an hour trying to solve the case before the lead detective when you came rushing into the room. You climbed into his lap and sat there staring at him, eyes unsettlingly wide. Bucky peered back at you over the top of his book, suspicious as to what could possibly be running through your head. A small smile started to appear on your face, but you remained silent.  

“Can I help you?” Bucky asked after a few minutes without any change to your expression, which was growing more and more manic-looking by the second.

Your eyes seemed to snap back in focus as he spoke and the rest of your face became serious. “So I had an idea…” you said cautiously, suddenly far more serious than he had ever seen you look before. “What if we got chickens? Not too many, just like three. I think three is a good number.”

Bucky stared at you in disbelief. “We live in an apartment. Of course you can’t have chickens,” he said flatly. You rolled your eyes at his response.

“Obviously not right now, but in the future when we’re not living in an apartment. You know, after you and I get hitched and find a house we like.”

All of the confusion and concerns Bucky had were thrown out the window as he processed what you said. You want to buy a house with him? You want to marry him? The thought of being with you forever made his heart skip a beat and filled him with an overwhelming urge to kiss you. He realized you were still watching him expectantly, waiting for an answer. “S-Sure, I guess. I never really liked chickens though -”

He wasn’t even able to finish his sentence before your lips were pressed against his.

“You are the best! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” you yelled, kissing him all over his face between thank you’s.

When you broke apart, an excited squeal left you that had his ears ringing. You laid down fully on his chest and started rambling about how nice it would be to have some land so you could have a nice big garden filled with every fruit and vegetable imaginable, a decent sized back patio or porch for friends to come over, and plenty of space for the chickens to have a giant coop. You even started listing out possible names for the chickens. Your seemingly endless ramble ended unexpectedly as you trailed off mid-sentence, gasping slightly after a moment. You picked your head up just enough off his chest to look him in the eyes.

“If we have enough room, can we also have goats?”

Bucky groaned, “Don’t push it, Doll. I’ve barely agreed to the chickens.” He pulled you back down onto his chest and placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head before he continued reading.

It was almost a week later before Bucky had his next day off. He decided to plan a long-overdue date night. It was nothing fancy, just a casual dinner at a restaurant you liked followed up with dessert. After you left the restaurant, the two of you made your way through a stretch of Central Park. He had intended for it to be a romantic walk, full of hand-holding and kissing that maybe could lead to something else once you were back at the apartment. Instead, it quickly turned into one of the worst decisions of his life.

Everything was going according to plan until you spotted the raccoon family of three hanging out in the tree not far off the path. Bucky didn’t even need to look at you to know you were staring at them with the same heart eyes you always stare at animals with.

The raccoons were in a relatively low tree branch, each snacking on some food they had scavenged from a nearby trash can. You pulled Bucky off the sidewalk and into the grass. Your excitement grew with each step you took towards the tree.

“Bucky look at their little hands! How cute are they?” You whisper yelled, practically jumping up and down with excitement. You were so focused on them that it gave Bucky the chance to watch and appreciate how enamored you were. While it drove him nuts sometimes how many animals you wanted, it never stopped being adorable to him how passionate you were about them. Bucky had no doubt you’d manage to sweet-talk him into more than he’d care to admit, but if it meant seeing you smile like this every day then it’ll be worth it. He was so lost in his thoughts of what your future may hold that he hardly heard what you were saying to the raccoons. It wasn’t until you finally turned to look at him that he tuned back into what you were saying.

“Do you think raccoons would make good pets?”

Without a word, he picked you up and slung you over his shoulder before turning to walk away, shaking his head as he did.

“Oh my god, babe! Look at this baby cow!” you gushed, bursting out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Bucky was making breakfast. “It’s so fucking fluffy, I need it.” The emphasis on need left Bucky scoffing as you shoved the phone into his hand. You stood there and stared at him, grinning ear to ear as you continued to ramble about the baby cow.

He eventually had to cut you off, “Doll, we’ve been over this a dozen times. You don’t actually want a cow, you just want a cow you can hang out with. Now sit down and eat your eggs before they get cold.” He scooped out some scrambled eggs onto a plate before placing it at your usual spot at the counter.

You grumbled slightly before sitting down on the barstool, stabbing your eggs harder than necessary with your fork. “You didn’t even acknowledge how cute it is.”

“It’s very cute. But I’ve already agreed to quite the menagerie so I have to put my foot down somewhere. I’ve already said yes to the chickens and it’s at least maybe on goats, and possibly a pig if we have enough room.”

“I’ve already said yes to the chickens and maybe on goats and pigs,” you said mockingly. “What difference does a cow make if we’ve already got all of those?” you asked, mouth full of food.

Bucky stared at you, shaking his head and sighing. “You’re lucky I love you, woman.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead and sat down to join you for breakfast.

It was almost a month later before the two of you finally were able to have a quiet night together. The evening had been spent cooking dinner, making a mess in the kitchen as you did, followed by making a different kind of mess in the living room not long after. Now, the two of you were laying in bed together winding down for the night. Bucky was reading while you laid there scrolling mindlessly on your phone. You giggled from time to time, pausing to show him a funny meme here and there, but for the most part, the room was quiet.

It wasn’t until you were in full-on giggles that Bucky leaned his book against his chest and stared at you waiting for an explanation.

Once the giggles died down, you rolled slightly to be closer to him. “You have to watch this wack ass video.” Your laughter started up again before you even hit play.

Bucky watched as the guy in the video kept pulling out stranger and stranger animals. He chuckled throughout the video, but it wasn’t until a thought struck him at the end that he really burst out laughing.

“That’s going to be you in five years if I haven’t already married you and kept your psychotic ass from getting an unreasonable amount of animals.”

Your laughter died and you stared at him reproachfully. “Bucky, baby...do you think I’m psychotic?” Somehow you managed to sound unconcerned by the possibility of being psychotic. If anything, you seemed almost amused.

“Honestly? I think you’re on the brink of snapping sometimes,” he said with a slight shrug.

You stared back at him, not fully sure if he was joking or not. The serious look on his face confirmed he wasn’t joking and you couldn’t help but laugh. “Good to know you think I’m one mental breakdown away from snuggling with a possum, you jerk,” you teased, placing a quick peck on his cheek.

Bucky turned to fully face you, looking you dead in the eyes. “Be honest with me, if the possum was replaced by one of those raccoons we saw a couple weeks ago, how unreasonable would that seem to you?”

Your face felt hot and you stuttered for a moment before going quiet. “I guess that’s fair,” you mumbled, eyes rolling slightly. “But raccoons are cuter, you can’t blame me for wanting to snuggle one.”

“I know, you fucking weirdo. Now come here,” Bucky said, grabbing you and pulling you into his chest. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and a comfortable silence fell over you. A few minutes later, Bucky spoke again.

“For the record though, possums and raccoons are both firmly on the ‘no’ list.”

[vortexbeyondthestars]

decided to post some of my ideas for a ninjago/atla au besties. tell me whatcha think

under read more cus its kinda long lmao

some background first…

here, the first spinjitzu master is smth that doesn’t actually exist in avatar bc i couldn’t for the life of me figure out what to make him so now he’s like… he’s basically the child of all the original benders: the badgermoles, the sky bison, the dragons, and the moon spirit combined. he was born of their powers, and he was the first avatar, kinda like this au’s version of raava i guess?? so this au’s version of vaatu is the overlord, and like in ninjago, they have this never-ending rivalry. and the overlord is an avatar, too, but more of a dark one. it only cares about corruption and evil.

the first bending master, as he’s called in this au, manages to banish the overlord into the spirit realm, but he knew that one day, it would return. so he creates a land called ninjago and fills it with people of all kinds, each corner of the world having one type of bending. he gave the humans bending, but only one type for each person.

he didn’t want a repeat of the overlord.

so then he has two sons: wu and garmadon. he hemmed and hawed over what elements to give to them, but eventually he chose. wu gets airbending, the element of life and serene and calm. garmadon gets firebending, rough and harsh and the element of destruction. his fire is violet and incredibly hot.

everything goes fine, and the first bending master manages to keep balance of the world as its avatar. except the overlord does indeed return.

garmadon gets corrupted by its spirit and is bitten by the great devourer. he becomes obsessed with power and wanted to be the avatar more than anything in life. he believes that his father was holding his powers back because he didn’t trust him. and he believes that his father was going to hand over his power to wu after he died. and he couldn’t have that.

wu notices his downward spiral and suggests that he take a trip to visit the mortals. maybe that would help him realize that there is reason for their father being the only avatar in the world.

so garmadon goes down into the mortal plane. and meets fire lord chen and his second in command clouse.

fire lord chen is quite interested in an old legend of what is called the serpentine: ancient tribes of snake people said to have been born from the hatred and despair of the overlord, led by the toughest and the greatest, the great devourer. chen wants to bring these serpentine back, and at first garmadon agrees to help him, if only to get revenge on his father.

but he snaps out of it, because he realizes that its the great devourer’s fault in the first place that he’s like this. he betrays chen and clouse and warns wu of their plan, but without telling him whose plan it is. together, the brothers manage to gather together an alliance of the greatest bending masters in the world. garmadon wants their father to help, but wu gives some unfortunate news.

the first bending master is near his deathbed. he is very, very ill, and he is thousands of years old at this point. he wants rest.

so, naturally, garmadon is conflicted about this. he’s ecstatic bc he thinks that he can gain the powers of the avatar once his father passes, but also he’s sad, because, well, thats still his dad after all.

but anyway, the bending alliance manages to defeat the serpentine and seal them away in the spirit realm, like the first bending master had done to the overlord. this… turns out to be a bad idea.

fire lord chen and clouse both manage to shift the blame away from them, and since garmy was the only one who knew they caused the plan, he lets it happen. because he still is a bit evil.

something happens that gives him hope, though: he meets misako, who might be the love of his life. (also in this au that weird love triangle shit don’t happen) they get married, and for a while, garmadon seems perfectly sane. but.

the first bending master dies.

lloyd is born almost right after.

no one makes the connection, though, thankfully, but it is enough for garmadon to lose whatever sanity he had left. he completely goes insane.

he races back to their family monastery believing that he can and will gain the powers of the avatar, somehow, but he doesn’t. and that is too much for him to take. all of this… all of this… waiting… for nothing?

garmadon stares at himself in the mirror. he looks down at his hand, at the bite mark blemishing his skin, and grabs a ceremonial knife. he laughs to himself and places his hand on the mirror, slowly raising his knife towards it… he thinks he can stop all this pain in one easy swoop.

garmadon, sneering at himself: maybe… maybe this will fix it… if i just cut off the damn thing…

first bending master, in the mirror: i would not recommend it, son.

garmadon, face falling: why are you here?

first bending master: i came to speak with you. and to try and help you.

garmadon, snarling: don’t pretend like you care about me! i know what you really think. you think i’m a monster.

first bending master: i think you’re conflicted. the part of you that wants to be the avatar so badly you are willing to kill for it… that part of you clashes with the real you. the one that wants everyone you care about to be safe. your brother, your friends, your wife… your son.

garmadon: *laughs and turns around* why should i care about them, father? they don’t care about me! not my brother, not my wife, not my so-called friends, and certainly not you! the only one who does care about me is my son, and thats only because he doesn’t know any better. he’ll leave one day too.

first bending master, solemnly: you are wrong. i do care about you. i always did. i love you, garmadon. i do.

garmadon shakes, his hand gripping the knife tighter. his mouths trembles, and eventually turns into a scowl. he whirls around to face the mirror and slams his knife into it, shattering it into pieces.

he gets worse from there on. he begins to attack people left and right, villages and cities, even going so far as to consider breaking the serpentine free. he doesn’t get that far, though, because his brother interrupts him.

wu is very concerned, bc, well, garmy was a bit weird but never straight up insane like he is now. so he heads over to his family’s old monastery. there, he finds garmadon, seething and stewing. garmadon doesn’t take his arrival well.

garmadon: ugh! for once, can’t you just leave me alone?!

wu: no, i cannot. this isn’t you, brother! you must snap out of it!

garmadon: this is me! this has been me for my entire life, wu! i can’t change it now, and i can’t even be the avatar. what’s the point?

wu: the point is that father trusted us to take care of ninjago once he passed on. we have a duty.

garmadon: father was a fool, and father was selfish! i am remaking the world in my own image, an image that won’t let anyone have the kind of power that he did, except for those who are worthy!

wu: that’s crazy! you can’t just pick and choose who gets to be the most powerful bender in the world!

garmadon: isn’t that what father did, though, when he died? who is the new avatar, wu?! tell me!!

wu: i don’t know. and neither will you, if you keep this up.

garmadon: *laughs* are you threatening me?

wu: i am.

garmadon: fine. you want to take control of ninjago over me? fine. fine. fine. i challenge you to an agni kai! the battle that was always meant to be.

wu: very well.

garmadon: for the record… i’m sorry it had to end this way, brother.

wu, sadly: no. you aren’t.

cue final agni kai type fight, light vs darkness. fire vs air. obviously, wu wins, and manages to chain garmadon up so he can’t attack anymore. garmadon then has a complete psychotic breakdown like azula, complete with the spitting fire and sobbing hysterically while wu watches sadly.

wu banishes garmadon to the spirit realm, because he doesn’t think there’s anything else he can do.

ninjago is saved.

or so he thinks.

see, chen and clouse are still around. as are the serpentine, biding their time in the spirit realm. they meet garmy and decide that they should work together. garmadon, so torn up by hatred and despair, agrees to help them, if he gets to destroy his brother.

meanwhile, everything is going good.

lloyd is the avatar, obviously, but he’s only like. thirteen when he finds out. he’s an airbender avatar and lived with koko (bc its my au and i get to pick the mom i use) in one of the air temples (idk which one tho). he’s raised believing that he’s just a random kid who happens to serve the avatar, kinda like kyoshi.

that avatar he believes he serves is none other than morro, the adopted son of airbender sage wu. morro is four years older than lloyd, and he was just revealed to be the airbending avatar. morro, of course, is thrilled. but he also gets an incredibly big ego over it, believing that he is better than other people bc he is the avatar. the reason he was thought to be the avatar was because he appeared to waterbend at one point, but it is later revealed to have been simple airbending that pushed the water.

but morro doesn’t realize or know this until its too late. and when he does… its a shitshow.

basically, lloyd and morro are sent to meet with fire lord chen and his daughter skylor, along with wu, koko, and some of the other air sages. skylor is a chi blocker, an incredibly talented one who has mastered all of the different bending fighting styles even tho she herself is a nonbender.

ok so clouse is obviously there. he recognizes lloyd via koko and is fucking pissed. he’s like my ex-boyfriend rival’s son is here?? what the hell?? so he keeps a close on eye on lloyd bc he doesn’t like him. morro, meanwhile, is treated like a king at the palace bc chen wants to get into the avatar’s good graces.

and uh. well, as it turns out, morro isn’t the avatar…

they’re attacked by the serpentine, bitter at the bending masters for having locked them underground. morro is excellent at fighting, but lloyd has more adrenaline.

and lloyd firebends.

cue shock and horror and anger from all sides.

wu is the most horrified of all. the son of his brother… the man he banished… is the avatar?

so yeah thats the background AT LEAST. i dont really know what happens after that but lloyd runs away or something. i will write more i promise!!!

[ateezmakemeweep]

you’re the one that i want (part 20)

word count: 7k

angst, fluff (tw: anxiety attack)

(part 19) (series masterlist)

“is there a reason you don’t wanna go home? are you not safe there?”

“it’s...fine,” you say quietly. “they just say a lot of things that hurt my feelings and yell. but who’s parents don’t? it’s just....normal family problems,” you tell seonghwa quietly, blinking back the tears threatning to fall because you don’t think being smacked and kicked and fearing for your life is considered normal family problems.

“whatever they say, know it’s not true,” you hear him mumble against your head. “they don’t know how lucky they are to be able to see you everyday.”

those words leaving his mouth catch you off guard, any time he says something sweet like that making your heart flutter and tears prick your eyes. and he knows it too because he looks down at you and smiles, shaking his head before placing another peck on your nose and lips.

“please, no more crying tonight.”

and you try for him again but it proves to be a failure, burying your face in his neck and allowing your wet, salty tears to fall on his skin. you try to control your breathing and sobs threatening to leave, neither of you commenting on the death grip you have on him.

“i’m gonna miss you,” you whimper out quietly.

“i’m gonna miss you too, baby,” he says, “but i’m here now. and i’ll be here when you wake up.”

your eyes shoot open as you’re ripped from the dream of memories, tears blurring your vision and a pit in your stomach because you can remember that night so well.

your last night with seonghwa when he calmed all your worries with his sweet words and soft spoken tone. told you he loved you and that you guys would figure everything out, no matter what was gonna happen.

it was the last night you thought you’d wake up with him, the last time you thought you’d feel truly safe and protected after months of experiencing happiness you’d never felt before.

but now here you are months later, unable to move because of the heavy arm wrapped around your waist and his warm breath on your neck; but there’s also a horrible pit forming in your stomach as you quickly recall last night’s events.

remember how you finally told someone about the years of abuse and hostility you’ve dealt with, reluctantly opening up to the boy who, for the past few months, has also been hurting you.

and with his calming breaths against your skin, his warmth and scent surrounding you, it’d be too easy to transmit yourself right back to that happy place you were in in your dream.

pretend that just for a moment, as you welcome seonghwa’s touch and closeness, that things are normal. expect him to roll over and give you a kiss good morning like he always did, whine to him that you wanna stay in bed with him all day and watch movies and giggle when he kisses your nose and insists that’s what you’ll do then.

pretend that these past few months didn’t happen and that if he woke up now, he wouldn’t be reminded of the fact he hadn’t wanted you up until a few hours ago. that he told you before the summer ended he’d be there for you and then proved time and time again that he wasn’t.

but you wanna trust him so badly. let him help you and hold you and be like the person he was during that good time. but how are you supposed to really trust him now? how do you know he’s not just gonna freak out again and leave you alone?

because after what you went through and told him last night, you don’t think you’ll be able to handle it.

so it’s why you take a few minutes to breathe, now faintly aware of the rising sun and knowledge that you probably have school in an hour or two. you rest your tired eyes and allow him to hold you for just a little longer, feeling so at ease and relaxed despite your racing mind.

you hear your phone vibrate against the table next to you and pop an eye open, stiffening slightly as you try to rip yourself away from seonghwa. you work slowly to lift his arm, hearing his quiet groan as he tightens his hold on you.

“y/n...” you hear his sleepy voice mumble and you think for a second that he’s awake, about to close your eyes and pretend to be sleeping until you hear the familiar sound of his steady breathing.

you let out a sigh, moving even slower before you eventually get out of his grasp. you can’t even say you’re surprised to see no missed calls from your parents and three messages from san, his frantic questions and crying emojis bringing a sad smile to your face.

your eyes filter over to the desk where that purple turtle lie, narrowing your eyes at the overpriced figurine that served as the catalyst to your breakdown last night.

but it all had just been too much, everything had been too much. seonghwa’s presence and your exhausted body and mind. the voice in your head going back and forth about what to do and if you can trust him before you all but passed out.

it’s still too much right now and if seonghwa wakes up and looks at you a certain way, wonders why you’re still here or thinks you expect to go to school together today with a sneer on his face, there’s a good chance you’ll break down again.

so with one final look, a sad smile quirking at your lips as you watch his handsome, sleeping form, you quietly sneak out of the house to start the journey to school.

the cool morning air sends a chill down your spine and you can just feel how puffy your face is, your confessions having been as exhausting as you thought. you felt slightly better today after your good sleep (the best sleep you’ve gotten in months actually) but you were still haunted.

you’ll be haunted long after just telling someone, riddled with the effects of your parents treatment for quite some time after probably.

and who’s to even say, now that you told someone, that it’s gonna stop. you don’t even know if seonghwa’s gonna help in any way, the vulnerable state you were in last night easily putting all of your faith in him.

because despite everything, despite the way he’s treated you, a part of you still believes he’s good.

but now, with a somewhat level head, you’re also feeling hesitant and confused but mostly scared. what’s gonna happen later today when your parents confront you? how is seonghwa gonna act in homeroom or at lunch? what is san gonna ask you about-

your phone vibrating in your pocket makes your eyes grow wide, your stomach twisting at the idea of seeing seonghwa’s name on the screen. but then you relax slightly and smile, seeing san’s name and it appears he has not a care in the world that it’s only 6:30 a.m.

“hi,” you answer softly, your expression softening when you hear his sigh of relief.

“you took at least five years off my life, i hope you know this.”

your eyebrows pull together at his words, watching the cracks in the sidewalk as you walk down the pavement slowly.

“what do you mean?”

“what do i mean?” he parrots, his voice raising. “what i mean is that i, reluctantly, send you home with seonghwa and then never hear from you again! on top of the fact that wooyoung came in 20 minutes after you left but that’s a whole other story in it self. are you okay? please tell me you are. i’m gonna seriously have a-”

“san,” you say, amusement in your voice because you don’t think you’ve ever heard him so panicked before; he’s usually so sweet and calm and soft spoken. “i’m okay. i...fell asleep at his house.”

“oooop,” san says lowly and you narrow your eyes because you can just picture his facial expression right now. “are you still there?” 

“no. i snuck out while he was sleeping.”

san hums lowly and you resist the urge to scoff, wanting to ask what that noise was for when he talks again.

“and everything was..okay? i didn’t know if you were gonna be mad at me but i don’t know... you didn’t seem right yesterday, y/n.” 

you swallow the lump in your throat as tears prick your eyes, biting on your lip as you try to control your breathing; but this isn’t going away, you told your story once and you have a feeling you’re gonna have to again and again and again.

“i wasn’t,” you admit quietly, not wanting to drop that kind of bomb over the phone. “but i’m a little bit better today. and i’m not mad, san. i...we needed that, i think. i needed that. it was hard but i think we’re kind of...” you try to find the words but realize you don’t even know what you could possibly say about you and seonghwa right now. ”...actually i don’t even know,” you laugh out quietly. 

because you don’t know, you ran out before you could know anything.

“well if i know seonghwa at all, he’s probably gonna wake up and frantically search for you.”

and it appears the blonde still knows his ex-friend quite well because the second seonghwa woke to an empty bed, he became panicked. heart racing and eyes wide as he looked around his room, knowing that just a few hours ago you were wrapped up under his arm because he had watched you sleep until he passed out.

it reminded him of the night after your first time, when he watched you sleep for what felt like hours before coming to the conclusion he’d fallen in love with you. that he was deep and thriving in something as tragic as a summer romance.

he told himself he wasn’t gonna sleep at all that night because he didn’t wana forget the moment; and it’s, ironialy, the same thing he said to himself last night. 

that he had to be up when you awoke so he could tell you again that he’s gonna be there for you. that even though he hasn’t proved it much these past few months, you mean more to him than anything else and he’s gonna help you through this.

so a low curse leaves his mouth as he jumps up and searches for his car key, knowing that it’s probably a little fucking crazy to drive around and look for you but his body just acting on instinct at this point.

because he knows you’re probably thinking a million different thoughts right now, none of which are true. that he plans on ignoring you again and has no intentions of helping, that last night he was just so overwhelmed by your closeness and his desire for you so he acted as if things were like before.

but that couldn’t be further from the truth; things had always been like before and he was too stupid and insecure to realize that. 

he cared too much about what his friends thought and doubted himself and even though he still doesn’t think he’s deserving of you, his need to help and protect you is overpowering everything.

it’s why he speeds through the streets of his neighborhood and sighs in relief when he sees your familiar frame walking, phone held to your ear as he immediately pulls up to the curb.

“he really said that?” you softly ask san who was only starting to explain his drama with wooyoung from yesterday. “how would that even-”

the sound of a car behind you makes you tense and turn around fearfully, relaxing and letting out a quiet, strangled gasp when you see seonghwa through the window.

“y/n? what happened?” san asked, immediately hearing your harsh intake of air. 

“you were right,” you mumble under your breath, san letting out a scoff when he hears seonghwa’s voice calling your name. 

you watch with wide eyes as the dirty blonde walks over to you, looking down at you with a soft, almost guarded look and you hate that your first instinct is to hide away from him.

“i should go, i’ll see you at lunch, okay?” you mumble into the phone, the boy humming his response before you reluctantly hang up and look at seonghwa. his gaze feels more penetrative than usual, your lips pressing together nervously.

“why’d you leave?” he asks you quietly. his tone isn’t accusatory or upset, just genuinely curious and maybe even a little hurt which makes it worse.

“i...we have school,” you lamely say, seonghwa eyes narrowing as he looks at you. 

“and? we have an hour left till then. and i have a car.”

your eyebrows raise in surprise at him saying that, never having expected he’d be giving you a ride; because that would definitely indicate you guys know each other. 

“i just wasn’t sure if you...wanted me there still. i didn’t mean to fall asleep and i was-”

“you weren’t going home,” he says firmly, the low growl in his voice immediately  shutting you down. “you’re not going home.”

“where else am i supposed to go? i live there, seonghwa,” you say, fully ready to accept going back there tonight. 

because what else can you do? as tragic and as toxic as it is, that’s your home. that’s where your stuff is and where there’s a roof over your head. if you could just not go home, you would’ve done that many nights. 

“and i told you we’re gonna figure it out,” he says, walking closer to you and taking your face in his hand. you let out a shaky breath at the feeling, your eyes meeting his and tearing at the look in them.

that familiar soft but blazing look that never failed to make you feel safe.

and right now, not only are you confused by all of this, you’re scared, terrified really, of what’s gonna happen now that it’s out in the universe and scared that you’re gonna have to go through all of this alone.

“you told me a lot of things,” you mumble quietly, hating that you couldn’t stop the words from leaving your mouth. but you think you hate even more the way seonghwa’s face falls, his eyes looking over you before he lets out a sigh.

“i know,” he says, the hurt and distrust in your gaze breaking his heart while also reminding him of the fact that he was a fucking asshole. “but you can’t go back there, baby. i know it’s scary and that your shit is there and that you might not trust me right now but i...you just can’t, okay?”

and then when he tugs you into him, almost like he couldn’t even stop himself, and rests his lips on your head, you think you’re about to crack again. 

so even though you’re still not 100% sure on what the hell you’re supposed to do right now, trust him or not, you accept his comfort and nod against him. he breathes out a sigh of relief at the way you melt into him, his hand on the back of your head as his fingers thread through your hair gently.

“we’ll go to school together, yeah?”

you pull back upon hearing that, your eyes watery and wide and the shock in them makes him heart drop in his stomach; because it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why you’re so surprised by the offer.

“i...are you sure?” you ask him quietly, biting down on your lip nervously in a way that makes his eyes narrow. makes him take your hand in his and walk you toward the passenger seat, gently guiding you in as he buckles you in like a child who can’t do it herself.

“i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to let you out of my sight again,” he says quietly, voice so low and whispered you’re not even sure if you were supposed to hear that. but that doesn’t stop you from raising an eyebrow at him, cocking your head to the side as you peer up at him curiously. 

it’s a look that causes him to touch your cheek again, running his thumb along your warm skin as his eyes roam your face. he hates that it took something as tragic as this to snap him out of his stupid shit, finally make him step up and be there for you in the way he should’ve been from the start.

“i’m sure,” he says, voice back to a normal volume, saying words you were meant to hear. “so please, let me help you.”

you can also hear the soft desperation in his voice and it only reflects in his eyes as he looks at you, reluctantly pulling away after a few seconds and it’s then you let out the breath you were holding in.

his eyes are always gonna be what get to you. the way they hold so much emotion and fondness and really make you believe, even after everything he’s done, that he really does wanna help.

that maybe you both are just young and confused, dealing with too much heaviness and tragedy that two teens trying to be in love need. that even though what he did was wrong, it could mean something that he’s here now when you most need someone. 

but you can’t push down the feelings of doubt and nervousness, even as you look up at him and nod. he bites the inside of his cheek, eyes roaming your face once more before he lets out a quiet sigh and closes the passenger side door.

“so...you finally getting over yourself?” 

it’s the first thing yeosang says when he sits down at lunch, the other two boys still on the line trying to convince the lunch lady to give them triple servings of chicken nuggets. 

but it’s like his words fall on deaf ears, seonghwa’s eyes trained on you and san just a few tables away. 

he had asked you multiple times to sit with him but you rejected each and every request, not wanting to deal with the questioning eyes or snide comments from his friends; you also knew san wouldn’t be comfortable with that, with the way his voice was tight and thick with emotion this morning talking about wooyoung’s surprise visit to the cafe last night.

“hey, asshole,” yeosang repeats, voice brash and abrupt as he waves his hand in seonghwa’s face. it snaps the dirty blonde out of his staring, looking over at his friend with an unamused expression.

“hi?” 

“did you not hear me?” yeosang asks, looking between his friend to follow where his eyes were just planted on. and he’s not surprised to see you, smiling softly at something san said, your small shoulders shrugging before you peek over at their table. 

“what’d you say?” seonghwa asks lowly, doing everything in his power to control the deep, guttural growl threatening to leave his throat. 

yeosang meets his friend’s gaze, eyes narrowing when he sees how tight and tense he’s been. he looked like that the second he got to homeroom, all of their eyes widening when he walked in guiding you by the small of your back. 

he had hovered and acted as if you were gonna disappear if he wasn’t by your side, the brown-haired boy hearing your quiet voice mumble “it’s fine,” when he continued to linger at your desk. 

him and mingi shared a look because something had to have happened yesterday. neither of them had ever seen seonghwa that angry before, pushing wooyoung against the desk and lowly cursing at him like he was his worst enemy and not one of his best friends.

and now here he is today, his eyes never leaving you with a soft intensity he’s also never seen before.

“i said have you finally gotten over yourself?” 

and when seonghwa only narrows his eyes in confusion even more, yeosang nods his head toward you. 

“her. are you two a thing again? finally gonna admit all your shit?”

“what does it matter to you?” seonghwa snaps, yeosang rolling his eyes before letting out a huff. 

“because you’re my fucking friend, hwa.”

seonghwa bites the inside of his cheek before he looks at you again, a hint of a smile quirking at his lips watching you giggle at something san says. it’s the happiest he’s seen you in the past 24 hours and it makes him relax despite the nervous energy coursing through his body. 

because showing up to school, everyone seeing you guys together and his friends hounding him with questions, is the least of his concerns now; he can’t believe for the past two and half months, those have been his concerns. 

“what happened?” yeosang asks, seonghwa looking at him and it only further assures the boy that something had to have. the look in his friend’s eyes wasn’t right, pent up with such emotion and frustration and desperation. 

“nothing,” seonghwa says but his voice is making it very clear that that’s a lie. “i just...i’ve been fucking up with her. really bad.” 

he looks over at you and feels his leg start to bounce, fear tightening his chest because now, instead of being concerned about people finding out he was capable of having feelings, like a normal human being, he was scared of the danger you were in. 

of you going back to your house with him later and being subjected to more pain and suffering from your parents. watching as he loses his shit and fights violence with violence because the idea of someone putting their hands on you makes his blood boil to a level he’s never felt before. 

of you somehow being ripped away from him again or not trusting him after the way he’s acted; because while he knows it’s warranted, he’s gonna do everything he can to prove himself to you.

“i love her and i fucked up and now she’s...” seonghwa swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head, running a hand through his hair so he doesn’t scream. yeosang feels his heart soften seeing his friend in obvious distress, putting his hand on his shoulder in an uncharacteristic display of affection. 

“i know,” yeosang says. “we knew this whole time to be quite fucking honest. so we didn’t get why you were fighting it so much.”

seonghwa lets out a humorless laugh, shaking his head because how stupid. how completely fucking stupid was he? caring about that when, from the beginning, it was obvious he had feelings for you. that his friends knew the second they saw him return back that he was different. 

“i know. so now i... i don’t know if she’s ever gonna trust me again,” seonghwa says reluctantly, feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable talking about this with someone. but he saw it in your eyes this morning, how unsure you were even though you looked up at him with such fond softness.

and yeosang doesn’t miss a beat, shrugging as he squeezes the boy’s shoulder reassuringly. 

“how ‘bout just don’t be a dick this time and actually love her,” his friend says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “you don’t have to proclaim it to the whole fucking school but make sure she knows. show her instead of saying it a thousand times in secret.”

seonghwa’s shocked by his friend’s helpful words but they also pull at something in his chest, secretly warmed and happy by the fact they really do just want him to be happy with someone.

“i thought i was gonna get you that time in the hallway,” he then says and anyone could just hear the smirk in the boy’s voice.

“wait, so you’re not in love?” yeosang asks suddenly, eyebrow quirked challengingly. and when seonghwa doesn’t answer, making your stomach twist and heart drop a little bit, he continues. 

“because you know, it’d be a little crazy to fall for someone in just one summer. but you two are kind of giving me hope since it seems to be working so well.”

seonghwa scoffs before shaking the boy’s hand off him, a smirk pulling on his friend’s lips that causes him to shake his head. 

“knew you were up to some shit that day you dick,” seonghwa mumbles lowly, his eyes moving to you because he can’t look away from you for more than two minutes today. doesn’t know how he went as long as he did not talking to you for days on end and just watching from afar.

“she really threatened to call my mommy, what a dirty move,” mingi says, his tray piled up with chicken as him and wooyoung join the two boys at the table. 

“to be fair, you really are fuckin’ annoying,” wooyoung counters, the taller boy narrowing his eyes at his friend before looking to seonghwa.

“can you choke-slam him again? 

seonghwa and yeosang can’t help but chuckle, wooyoung rolling his eyes before looking at the dirty blonde. 

they all saw this morning how he was different with you but a part of him specfically couldn’t help but feel jealous, watching as the boy so freely touched you and watched you and showed everyone you were his. 

because while a part of it was with a sense of possession, most of it was completely pure. the love and affection and care oozing from the both of you, even as guarded and unsure as your gaze was. 

and he can’t help but feel like he wants that too, looking over at you and san where the blonde is teasing you with a french fry. you catch it and throw it back at the boy, his tiny squeal filling the cafeteria as he laughs with you. 

and it’s with that he quickly turns away, feeling something pulling in his chest that he just can’t face right now; seonghwa catches his gaze and gives him a look that he just knows is gonna result in a conversation later. 

“only if he deserves it,” seonghwa says lowly, wooyoung letting out a snort as his friend’s crypticness before he throws a piece of chicken at the boy. 

“hey, fuck off! i worked hard for all of those!” mingi whines.

“oh, you didn’t do shit!” wooyoung spits, leaning back in his chair as he pops a piece of chicken in his mouth.

“i didn’t do shit?” mingi yelps, “i did all the talking and persuading! you just stood like there like a fucking idiot!”`

“he keeps looking over here,” san says quietly, feeling the boy’s gaze on their table before he looks back at you. “so i guess this morning went...well.”

you shrug slightly as you nod, remembering the way you walked back into seonghwa’s house and plopped down on his couch together. neither of you said anything and yet, somehow, just a few moments later, you were fast asleep on his shoulder again.

you woke to a gentle kiss on your head and his hand on your cheek, asking you quietly if you wanted to miss school today. but that seemed to rip you right from your drowsiness, wanting and needing the normalcy that comes with the school day. 

it would’ve been too easy to say yes and stay wrapped up in his arms until three, bask in his comfort and familiar warmth and remember just why you two fell in love in the first place. 

but that would’ve been too painful and too fast and too much, especially given the way your heart is extremely fragile right now. 

“yeah, i fell back asleep and then we came,” you tell san quietly who just nods in understanding. 

and with the silence that follows, you know he wants to ask. 

ask what happened after you guys left and if something changed within that time. ask why seonghwa was so adamant about you lying about your injuries and the desperation he’s been seeing in his eyes lately regarding them.

but you know you’re not ready to tell him yet.

that even though you trust san more than anyone in your life right now, you can’t have him knowing this part of you yet. you can’t delve back into right now and cry in the lunchroom and risk anyone else finding out about your tragic home life. 

“i...i promise i’ll tell you everything,” you say to him, his eyes softening the second you start to speak. “i...trust you more than anyone so please don’t think it’s that. i just...i don’t wanna get into it again after last night and-”

“love, love, love,” san repeats sweetly, cutting your words off as he shakes his head and takes your hand in his. “same thing applies like before. you tell me if you want to and when you’re ready,” he says simply, a small smile brightening his face and making your body warm. 

“i just wanted to make sure you were safe and okay.”

you want to say that you are now. that, at least, you think you are now and you’re gonna try really hard to be strong during this. 

“thank you,” you say, tears pricking your eyes and a sad smile immediately covers his face. 

“you’re welcome, babe. but if you start crying, i’m gonna start crying and then thou shalt not be named are gonna come over and try to beat both of us up.”

a wet giggle leaves your mouth as you shake your head, wiping at the tiny, stray tear that managed to escape your eye. 

“i already fought with wooyoung and i’d gladly do it again,” you tease, the words leaving your mouth before you even realize that san doesn’t know about your little homeroom spat yesterday morning. 

your eyes widen and you’re about to explain yourself when san’s phone starts vibrating, looking down to see it’s his mom. he holds up a finger with an amused look in his eye, his voice raising cutely the way it always does when he talks to his parents.

you look over to see seonghwa and his friends laughing at the table, a piece of chicken being thrown through the air that hits the tallest boy square in the face. you smile softly seeing seonghwa look so carefree and happy, your chest tightening and hoping that, finally, he’s gonna let people see how sweet he is.

how sweet and good and kind he really is. 

your eyes meet and you can’t even stop the way your cheeks flush, seonghwa’s smile softening and eyes brightening before he takes out his phone. just a few seconds later, you hear your own vibrate against the table and pull your gaze away, looking down to see his name on the screen.

it makes your heart race despite seeing him just a few feet away, not used to his name there.

seonghwa [12:03] you okay?

you look over and nod your head, his eyes narrowing at you ever so slightly before san’s loud, excitable voice rips your attention away. 

“yay! guess what!”

you look across the table to see san bouncing with excitement, a wide, dimply smile on his face. 

“what?”

“we have off today! my parents are staying because a health inspector is coming and apparently, us sitting on the counters and eating all the cookies made them wary.”

and you truly wish you could match the boy’s excitement. clap or smile or kindly remind him that you rarely are the one eating cookies.

but your mind immediately thinks that, now, you have to go straight home. you don’t have the safe haven that’s been the cafe to destress from school and mentally prepare for the few hours with your parents.

and especially after not coming home last night? not answering your dad’s call you actually saw you missed or just talking to them at all? 

you were done. you were absolutely done.

you were gonna hear the front door slam against the wall and hear their feet stomping down the hallway to your door. you were gonna hear their fists pounding until they either got the lock open or scared you enough to open it. 

they were gonna scream and yell insults at you until those weren’t enough and they had to put their hands on you and-

“y/n?” san asks softly, your chest heaving and eyes staring down as you struggle to catch your breath. you don’t even realize you’re shaking until you feel like you’re about to fall off the chair, your hand gripping the edge of the table before you jump to your feet. 

“i...” you swallow down the lump in your throat, eyes frantically searching the room before the doorway catches your eye. and you know you just need to get out once you see that exit, suddenly hyper aware of loud chatter of voices and books being thrown on the table in the bustling cafeteria. 

“i’ll be right back.”

“y/n, wait,” san says, standing up to follow you before you rush out the door with your head down. he snaps his head to the side when he hears a chair scuff against the floor, seonghwa ignoring the voices of his friends as he quickly jumps up follows behind you. 

he watches the dirty blonde run off and call your name, the pout on san’s face making one boy across the room wish he could be like seonghwa and console the person he cares about most. 

you were headed straight for your designated bathroom stall when you felt a gentle tug on your hand, being spun around to see the eyes you know so well. staring down at you with such concern, reminding you of that familiar calming presence that helped you some nights on your balcony.

“what happened?” he asks calmly, his voice low but serious as he resists the urge to pull you into his arms; he needs to hear you talk first, make sure you trust him enough to really tell him what’s going on.

and at first, he sees the fear and apprehension in your panicked eyes. sees that you might wanna find comfort in him but you’re still scared. so he gently reaches out and takes your hand in his, intertwining your fingers and allowing his thumb to slowly caress your clammy skin. 

“i need you to breathe, okay?” he says quietly, throat tightening because it’s obvious you’re struggling. he doesn’t know why or what happened within the five minues he looked away from you but he can tell you really need to breathe. 

so he lets you decide the next move, whether you wanna do this on your own or fall into him and allow him to comfort you. 

and he can’t even pretend to feel relieved when you fall into his body a few seconds later, breathe against his chest as his calming, familiar scent surrounds you. he immediately wraps his arms around you, his hand running through your hair and voice cooing lowly in your ear.

cooing the phrase that got you through those the last few weeks of summer, the softly spoken “i’m here,” that you clung onto with such hope. hope that he crushed on your first day here but think, and hope, he’s trying to repair. 

it’s hope that you really need right now because without it, you don’t know what you’re gonna do. you don’t know if you can survive this life alone.

“i...i don’t have work.”

he didn’t expect those to be the ones that leave your mouth but he’s sure that’s what your shaky, sweet voice says. 

“i don’t have work and now i have to go home and i’m gonna- they’re gonna come home and go crazy and i don’t think i can handle it, hwa. i know they’re gonna be so mad and they won’t even-”

“you don’t have to,” his deep voice says simply, low in your ear as he tries to hold his shit together seeing you like this. “i told you you’re not going back there.”

“where-where am i supposed to go?” you whimper, looking up at him with tears in your eyes. “i have nowhere else to go. i-i can’t and won’t intrude on my aunt with this. i can’t bother her like that.”

and because you’re so out of it, you miss the way seonghwa’s face twists suspiciously. 

“baby, you need to listen to me,” he says, his hands cupping your cheeks so he can wipe your face. “it’s friday, right? we’ll go to your house, get your stuff and you can stay with me, if you want. or...san, if you’d feel better with that. i don’t think he’d mind, but you’re not fucking staying-”

“i wanna stay with you.”

and he thinks it’s just because you’re in the state that you’re in right now that you blurt it out so fast, looking up at him like you’re terrified he’s gonna leave you again; but that couldn’t be further from what’s gonna happen. 

“then you’ll stay with me.”

you let out a shaky breath as you nod your head, burying your face back in his shirt. you inhale his scent and relax against him, his hand running through your hair as he repeats himself again and again.

he doesn’t know if later tonight you’re gonna feel the same way. wanna be comforted by him so closely and tightly when, really, you should be rebuilding your relationship. proving himself to you in a way that you deserve, not that you guys just keep living through the memories and love from summer. 

because he doesn’t care what he has to do, he’s gonna prove it to you in any way he can. 

but then when you’re standing outside of your house with him, your body rigid and eyes wandering, you feel yourself ready to crumble again. your hand reaching for his as you stare at the house, the walls already managing to be filled with such pain and suffering and dread. 

“let’s go in and pack you a bag, yeah?”

you look up at seonghwa and he can see the anxiety in your eyes still, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest at the sight. his hand not holding yours reaches out to cup your cheek, wanting so badly to peck your lips and assure you everything’s gonna be okay. 

“they’re not home, baby. you said they won’t be home for an hour, right?”

you nod your head, irrational thoughts flooding your mind the more you start to worry. 

what if they can just sense you’re up to something and left work early? what if there’s miraculously no traffic on the parkway and they get here quicker than usual? what if they never went to work at all and are in there right now?

“what if they...come home early? what if they find us? my mom is usually the first one to come home but my dad isn’t far behind. he’s- he’s the one i’m scared for.”

and seonghwa almost hopes that that man walks through the door and says something, feeling his fists ball and veins course with anger.

“then i’ll fucking kill him.”

your eyes widen at the growl in his voice, stomach twisting in fear because that’s even more of a reason you don’t want him coming home early. 

“seonghwa! you- you can’t say stuff like that.”

but he only shrugs his shoulders and tightens his hold on your hand, nodding his head toward the house. 

“then we better get in and out.”

the next five minutes are full of panic and chaos for you, running around your room and the bathroom across the hall for all of your essentials. and it’s after you’re almost done packing your bag that you hear a car door slam outside, your head snapping to seonghwa who’s standing by the window.

“seonghwa...” you whisper, the fear in your shaky voice immediately causing him to peek out the blinds. but when he doesn’t see a car in the driveway, he assures you everything is okay. 

but that’s hard to do when you hear the familiar clicking coming from the front door a few moments later, the sweatpants in your hand dropping to the floor when full fledged panic runs through you again.

“seonghwa, they’re here, oh my god, what are we gonna-”

his hand wraps around you waist and he pulls you behind him, turning around to cup your face in his hands. 

“shhh. you need to breathe for me, baby, okay? i know you’re scared but it’ll be fine. i’m here.”

you bite the inside of your cheek as tears well up, the fact that he’s here almost making this worse because he can get hurt now. your dad could take his anger and frustration out on him and then you’ll really never forgive yourself. 

“don’t go out there.” 

seonghwa’s eyes narrow as he peers down at you, a look of ‘you know that’s not happening’ that makes your lips fall into a frown.

“please, seonghwa, we can just jump out the-”

but then the door squeaking open makes the words die in your throat, chest heaving up and down because your bedroom door is open and frantic footsteps are coming down the hall.

your grip on seonghwa is painfully tight as you try to pull him behind you but his feet are planted right on the ground, firm and towering and you don’t know if you’ve ever felt someone so stiff in their life. 

but all of that fades, your own anxiety included, when you hear a familiar voice that always served to calm you; ever since you were a scared child and first heard her outside her beach house.

“y/n? seonghwa? where are you t-” but then she stops in the doorway and her heart breaks at the sight, seonghwa standing protectively in front of you while you peek around his body, tears streaming down your red, puffy face now twisted into shock.

nobody says anything until the woman makes her way over, grabbing your hand gently before pulling your body into her. you don’t know if you start crying first or if her crying starts yours again but you listen in tears as your aunt mumbles apologies into the room. 

says how sorry she is that you’ve been living like this and that she had no idea. that she didn’t see the signs or keep you safe and can’t believe it’s been happening for as long as it has.

but you can only shake your head and mumble “no,” over and over again.

because this wasn’t anyone’s fault. it wasn’t her’s, or seonghwa’s for telling her or even yours, but your parents who never should’ve had you in the first place. should’ve never brought someone into the universe who they didn’t plan on loving and caring for.

but the older woman and boy sharing looks right now have had those exacts plans since the moment they met you, the former mouthing “thank you,” to seonghwa who only smiles and nods, watching the woman pull your face back and wipe at your tears.

her eyes travel to the small bag on your bed, her head shaking before she picks up the sweatpants on the floor and throws them onto your bed.

“you’re gonna need to pack a lot more than that.”

(part 21)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @89staytinyzen21 ; @lokicaramel ; @hwaxbum ; @sakura-uji ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know ; @tiny-whatsername ; @fairieofeternity ; @yixing-jaehyun ; @sleepyseonghwa ; @revehosh ; @atletino ; 

[believinghurts]

To Lose, But to Gain Part 1

Requested: No

Warnings: Death, anxiety  (Y/N) has been friend with James Potter since she was a little girl. His parents considered her their daughter. She moved into the Potter residence after her family joined the Dark Lord, much like Sirius. But what happens when Fleamont and Euphemia dies, leaving James broken? (Y/N) helps to comfort James in his time of need, while trying to battle her own feelings.  **Lily is in this, but I have portrayed her as kinda mean. Jealously is an evil thing. I am not sure when I’ll the next part up. Hopefully soon. Feedback welcome. Request open!*** March 12th, 1979 was seemingly the worst day of your, but it was nothing compared to how you know James felt. It was only four months; four months since James cried on your shoulder after his parents told him that they both had contracted Dragon Pox. The doctors said the potions wouldn’t help much, but they took them anyway in hopes of sending just a little more time with James. Four months was seemingly a decent amount of time, but she could only wish for more as she stood next to her friends in a room full of strangers. 

(Y/N) pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius’s cheek before passing him off to Remus. She weaved her wave through the throngs of people till she reached James at his mother's casket. (Y/N) pressed her hand into James’s back causing him to turn towards her. His cheeks were sunken in with dark bags under her eyes, and tried tear tracks running down his face. He grabbed her hand to pull her into his side. She leaned her head onto his shoulder as the onslaught of memories that lead to this spiral of grief crashed onto her. 

Sirius, Lilly, Remus, and (Y/N) have all been staying at the Potter residence, with Peter joining every now and then, after Euphemia got bedridden on March 8th. Although James was their only child, Fleamont and Euphemia considered all those currently staying in their house their children. The Potter house was a safe haven for all those who came, something that all of them, especially Sirius and (Y/N), knew and loved. But that all seemed to crack when Sirius let out a gut wrenching cry for the woman who had taken (Y/N) and himself in when their own parents kicked them out. 

He was the first to notice when Euphemia stopped breathing. Tears fell down (Y/N)’s face as she turned to watch James breakdown at the sight of his father kissing his mother one last time. He didn’t utter a word as his father brought him into a hug, crying with his son over the woman they both loved. (Y/N) took Sirius’s hand to pull him, along with Remus, and Lily out of the room to give James and Fleamont some time with Euphemia. She wiped her tears knowing that it was going to be a long and hard couple of days for everyone, and that she needed to stay strong.

 When she reached for the door handle, but halted when she heard Fleamonts voice, “(Y/N), princess stay. You are just as much a part of this as James and Sirius.” 

She looked up at the man who had loved her as his own since she showed up on their doorstep at the age of seven asking to play with James. She glanced up at Remus who nodded at her, “Go, I’ll take care of it. James needs you. They all do.” 

No one seemed to notice the look of jealousy that passed on Lily's face when she saw James bury his head into (Y/N)’s neck. The trio plus Fleamont stayed with Euphemia till St. Mungos came to take her body. Shortly after Fleamont pressed a kiss to their foreheads, before retiring to the guest room down the hall since he almost collapsed from exhaustion. The time James hadn’t released his hold on (Y/N). They moved to join the others in the living room where Peter had joined Lily, and Remus. The latter had set up mattresses on the floor for everyone already expecting that they all would want to be close. 

(Y/N) gently untangled her hand from James’s, but the look of panic in his eyes made her quick to explain, “Stay here. I’ll be back soon. I’m gonna go check on dad, okay?” 

James nodded his approval. (Y/N) would have to talk to Remus if James didn’t speak sometime soon. But she quickly decided that it could wait till at least tomorrow since she currently didn’t feel like talking very much either. She squeezed his hand before looking at Lily who had stepped up next to James. Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him to the mattress on the end. 

When she was sure James would be okay for a little bit she made the trek down the hall to Fleamont. She knocked softly before pushing the door open when she heard an entry call. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Fleamont greeted the young girl who he had grown to consider his daughter and his son's happiness. 

(Y/N) forced a small smile onto her face, crossing the room to sit on the edge of his bed to get a better look to see what he had in his hand. The forced smile on her lips quickly turned into a real one when she saw what it was. The picture he was holding was a wizard photo that played on a loop. It was taken their 4th year when Sirius had moved into the Potter's house. The family, James, Fleamont, (Y/N), Euphemia, and Sirius, were gathered at a Christmas tree farm on a snowy day. The older couple was laughing while Fleamont dipped his wife back to kiss her as the group of teens made gagging noises. It was easily one of (Y/N)’s favorite memories. 

(Y/N) hadn’t noticed the tears leaking from her eyes till she felt a hand on her cheek wiping them away. “Don’t cry. We will all be together again someday. She wouldn’t want the sadness instead remember all the happy times we had, and I want the same when I’m gone.” 

That caused her head to snap up, “Wh-what?”

“It won’t be long now. Especially now that I know that all three of the kids will be taken care of by each other and Remus. All parents want for their children is that they are supported and loved. You and James do that for each as do Remus and Sirius.” 

The sobs that had been stuck in her throat came out full force. She begged him not to leave them so soon, that they needed him. Fleamont pulled her into a hug, “All you need is each other and you have that more than you realize. Hold on to one another, love each other, don’t let things go unsaid. And remember the ones that love us never really leave us, you can always find them in here.” He placed his hand over her heart before kissing her forehead. “Now, go. Hug my boys for me and Mia. Tell them we love them just like we love you.” 

(Y/N) nodded softly before pressing a kiss to his cheek, and helping him get comfortable in bed. Unbeknownst to the two Lily had heard all of the conservation after she was sent to get (Y/N) when Sirius asked for her. 

Rest was not seen very well for the group. Peter had taken the shorter sofa, and could be heard tossing and turning. Remus took the larger sofa, but instead of sleeping he was reading Mrs. Potter had given him for Christmas. James and Lily had taken the mattress furthest from the sofas; James was curled in on himself pretending to be asleep, but couldn’t actually sleep too afraid of nightmares he knew would come. Lily had fallen asleep a little bit after she thought James was, but kept moving every couple of minutes. Sirius had curled up in between Remus' sofa and the girl who he considered a sister. His head on her chest while she played with his hair while he played with Remus’s free fingers. The hours passed slowly, but no one dared to speak. The emotional exhaustion seeped into their bones and finally they fell into a fitful sleep. 

When (Y/N) woke a few hours later the first thing she noticed was the second body on her other side. James had woken up from a nightmare and quietly left his bed to join her and Sirius. Sirius had tucked into her shoulder so James had laid his head on her stomach with his body in between her legs. Her hand was tangled with his much like all the other times they had done this while talking about nothing yet everything. She looked out the window to see the light beginning to rise. Knowing that she wouldn’t be going back to sleep, she slipped out of the boys grasped and tip-toed down to where Fleamont was staying. She wanted to see if he was awake before she woke James and Sirius so they could spend the day with him. But those plans came to a stuttering halt when she noticed the bluish tint to Fleamont’s skin. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as she prayed to whoever was listening that he was breathing. He wasn’t. Her tears dripped down onto his cold skin as she kissed his forehead. She sank to the floor in the corner of the room sobbing quietly, while she tried to gather herself to go wake the others and break the news. She buried her head in her arms as she pulled her knees to her chest crying as if it would be her last. She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there, but when she felt arms wrap around her, and tears hit the top of her head causing her to jump. 

“I’m so sorry, Jamie,” she whispered. 

James sniffled, “It’s okay. He’s with Mum now. I-I talked to him this morning. I wa-was with him when he….I waited to tell everyone. I wanted some time with him and I figured that you and Sirius would want to say goodbye.” 

(Y/N) understood where he was coming from. And although these were his parents he was still thinking of his friends who loved his parents as their own. She was glad that James got to see his Dad one last time. This would be the first time that James had ever faced a loss as big as this one. “This maybe a stupid question, but are you okay? 

She raised her head to look at his face, wiping his tears with her thumbs. He smiled pitifully, “Okay? No. Will I be, eventually? Yes.” He shifted them so that her legs were over his with her head on his shoulder, and her playing with the fingers of his left hand while his right ran down her back. “He, um, told some stuff before he…..” James couldn’t bring himself to say the ‘D’ word, but (Y/N) understood what he meant. “He said that I was a great son, and that he and Mum were so proud of me. And that the only regret they had was that they wouldn’t be able to see me marry the woman I love.” 

(Y/N) tried to keep her face as blank as possible while she remembered the words the Fleamont had told her last night while processing what James had said. Was Fleamont talking about her when he said those words to James? (Y/N) had been battling feelings for her Best friend since their sixth year, but had been working her hardest to get over them knowing that James loved Lily. “Yeah, they always loved Lily.” 

(Y/N) missed the look of longing in James’ eyes as she turned towards the doorway after a creek came from the floorboards. Remus, Sirius, and Lily were all there looking at the cold body of Fleamont Potter. Sirius turned, shoving passed the others, storming into the kitchen. 

Remus gave the two on the floor a sympathetic smile, “I’ve got him.” Before following Sirius out.

 Lily made her way over to James as (Y/N) kissed Fleamont’s cheek one last time before heading towards the door, “I’ll send word to St. Mungos, so you can have a little more time with him, Jamie.” 

“Thank you, but can you come back once you're done? I-I don’t want to be alone.” 

“I’ll stay, James,” Lily said, grabbing onto his hand.

James kept his eyes trained on (Y/N) who was looking at Lily. “Please, princess? I just need someone who-who understands. Please?” 

The nickname sent a pang of hurt straight through her heart. Fleamont was the one who gave her it, but the boys quickly picked up on it. Being the only girl in the Mauraders meant she was the princess of the group even when Lily entered. Despite the hurt it sent her, it also made her incredibly relieved that James was talking. She knew that she would do whatever it took to make sure James was going to be okay. (Y/N) locked eyes with James, nodding softly. She noticed that beside James Lily was glaring softly, but was smart enough to make sure that James didn’t see it. “I’ll send an owl, and the we can stay as long as you want.” 

****************

She blinked back tears as she was brought back to the present by James tugging on her hand to move to his father's casket. The duo stayed even after people started moving to where the drinks were. (Y/N) noticed James looking around the room slightly, “We can stay here as long as you want, you know?” 

“I know, but I-I said my goodbyes already. I just needed to look at them a little longer, but I think I’m ready now.” His voice hoarse. 

“Whenever you know you’re ready is when we leave. Not before that.” (Y/N) whispered into his shoulder where her forehead was resting. 

��I just want them to be at peace with each other.” James linked his fingers through hers. (Y/N) nodded before guiding him to where everyone else was. The room was packed with people who knew the Potter’s. She spotted Remus, who had Sirius buried in his shoulder, in the corner of the room. She began to pull James towards them, but was stopped by multiple people who were giving James his condolences, and letting him know that they were there for him. From the look on James’s face she could tell he had no clue who half of these people were. One particularly old wizard didn’t seem to notice the look on his face, and kept talking about something she didn’t catch. She could tell that James was getting close to losing it. 

“I’m sorry, sir. But you’ll have to excuse us.” She didn’t wait for a reply before leaving with James in tow. She pushed James into a chair beside Remus, loosening his tie slightly so he could breathe a little better. “I’m going to get you some water. Do you want anything else, Jamie?” 

He shook his head. On the way to the drinks, (Y/N) passed Lily who was talking with Marlene and Docras. The latter sent a small smile when she noticed her while the other two just looked at her. (Y/N) grabbed some water for both James, and Sirius, knowing that Remus would share with Siri if he wanted some, as well as a chocolate chip muffin hoping that she could get James to eat at least a couple of bites. Upon arriving back to the boys, she was greeted by the sight of Minevera McGonagall who was talking to James. She was still too far away to hear what was being said, but whatever it was caused James to smile despite the tears running down his face. Leave it to Minnie to be the one who makes him smile for the first time in days, (Y/N) thought. 

McGonagall hugged James before moving to speak to Sirius and Remus. Minnie gave her a hug as she walked past, letting her know to contact her if she or any of them needed someone to talk to. Although they had all graduated over a year ago, they all still kept in touch with their favorite professor. 

(Y/N) handed a water to Remus before going to James. Lily stood beside his chair looking down at him. “Do you want or need anything else?” James shook his head before leaning onto (Y/N)’s shoulder as she perched on the arm of his chair so she could quietly talk to Remus. Without thinking about it (Y/N) started to run her fingers through James’s already messed up hair making the boy relax into her side. 

Remus noticed James' position on his other friend. He was worried about his three best friends. They had lost the only parents they had ever known within days of each other. He knew that (Y/N) was trying to stay strong for Sirius and James, but was forgetting herself. Yes, she had cried some, but she hadn’t talked about any of it. Truthfully Remus knew that she had feelings for James. It became obvious when she turned slightly red faced in their sixth year when James cuddled her on the Common Room couch, but she never told anyone. Remus loved (Y/N) like the little sister he never got to have. Besides Sirius she was the one he was closest too; she was his person. Just like he knew he was hers. This only made Remus want to make sure that she was going to be okay since she wouldn’t do that for herself. “How are you doing, (Y/N)?”

“Uh? Oh, I’m okay. Just trying to keep an eye on Jamie the best that I can.” She glanced down at the brown eyed boy noticing that his breaths were starting to even out. Remus also noticed that James was essentially asleep on (Y/N), prompting him to ask how James was sleeping. They all, minus Peter and Lily most nights, had been staying at the Potter residents, not leaving one another alone for more than a few minutes at a time. “He keeps having nightmares. We’ll try to go to sleep in our own rooms, but either I’ll wake up to him kicking the wall or him crawling into my bed. I think they are getting a little better, but not much. He slept a little more than two hours before he woke up. Granted we just slept in my bed last night not even trying to sleep alone.”

“I know that you are trying to make sure that he is okay or is going to be okay, but you need to take care of yourself too. We’ll take care of James tonight. You need some sleep, I can tell. Sirius usually sleeps through the night if he takes the Draught of Peace, right Siri?” Remus said looking at his lover. 

Sirius nodded, “I do, but he won’t let you take over Rem. He won’t be able to go back to sleep if he wakes up with a nightmare, and that’s if he lets her go long enough for her to even get into her bed.” He tilted his head towards James showing the other two the tight grip James had on (Y/N)’s waist with one arm, and her hand with the other. 

“He’s right, ya know.” James’s voice startled the trio. “You keep the nightmares away, princess. Always have. I know you need sleep too, and you can just please stay with me? All I need is your presence, I promise.” 

(Y/N) nodded softly at James, squeezing his hand. James looked at his friends, “Can we please leave? I can’t be here any longer.”

They all stood to make their way to the apparition point. Remus leading holding onto Sirius’s hand with (Y/N) following holding onto James. Someone caught James’s other hand, he looked back to see Lily. “Where are you going, James?” 

“Oh, um, home. I can’t- I can’t be here any longer.” He stopped to talk to his girlfriend causing the other three to wait on him. “Um, you can come over later if you want. I just need some time.” 

Lily nodded, “Okay, I will. Are you sure you’ll be okay alone for a while?” Lily already knew that James wasn’t going home alone. She knew that at least (Y/N) was going to be with him. And she tried to look past it. Thinking that they were just best friends who were leaning on each other in a time of need, but she couldn’t help to notice the touches, and some looks passed between the two. 

“I won’t be.” He tilted his head in the direction of Sirius, (Y/N), and Remus. “They’ll be with me. Just come over later or something. I have to go.” He was getting overwhelmed at all the looks of sympathy getting sent his way. He didn’t wait for Lily to reply before walking past his friends, and apperating home. 

[valwrite]

the bella-vista avenue book club; daveed diggs

masterlist

summary: if only she’d double checked her Amazon shopping cart, Y/N L/N wouldn’t find herself torn between what book to give her hot neighbor next.

warnings: fluff, cheesiness, a slither of smut, mentions of a car accident, cooper is a basic dog name, i know but stfu about it.

fic style: oneshot.

word count: 6455.

author’s note: this fic took way too long to write, bye. no but for real, i’ve been back in uni for one month and so far i’ve: done way too many assignments; had more breakdowns than a disney child star; had a covid scare; and spontaneously dyed my hair dark blue/green at 4am instead of finishing an essay. we’re doing well, folks :)

It took exactly twenty one days for the loneliness to kick in.

On the day the lockdown was first announced, Y/N L/N felt the most confusing sentiment of relief and fear blended together. She'd spent just about the whole day in the meeting from Hell, during which three people had stormed out of after countless shouting matches had broken out and her boss had blatantly fired one of the guys from her department, right in front of everyone. When she did eventually get out of said meeting- a whole two hours later than her usual work days ended -, she was struggling with an impending migraine, threatening to blur her eyesight the whole drive home. She arrived home safely that evening, by the force of some miracle, only to find countless texts from relatives and friends alike, detailing the quarantine announcement and all the rules that came with it. Though concerned over the state of the world battling against the rapidly spreading virus, Y/N was just glad there would be no meetings for a while.

Quarantine was exciting at first. In the normal day-to-day life she lead, Y/N often found herself falling short on time to do things she truly enjoyed. There was just always one more task needing done at work; one more errand to complete; one more mile to run. By the time she stepped into her home come the end of the day, her eyelids were always battling to stay opened. So, it was very fair to say that the sudden infinite amount of free time had her feeling rather excited.

Day two and she'd already set herself a list of goals to spend all this time on, a chance to do all the things her schedule got in the way of. Of course, with the situation at hand, all these goals were modified to be achievable from within the confines of her home. The first goal she achieved was knitting a sweater. Granted, it was a mess she'd ended up trying to turn into a dog sweater only to watch as her fur-baby, Cooper, chewed it into rags.

There was no goal on the list to be good at all those goals.

In the following weeks, Y/N found herself trying her hand at pottery - she both made and broke a mug -, baking - the first cake burned but the second she made was actually pretty edible -, guitar playing - it really was just like riding a bike: one never really forgets how to do it - and many other hobbies. In between finding her artistic calling in life, it seemed family quiz nights became the norm.

But twenty one days, that's when she finally took notice of just how lonely living had become for her. A full twenty one days of not having made eye contact with anyone outside of a screen or who happened to not own four paws and a tail.

The loneliness wasn't unique to her, she was very aware. But she was stuck quarantining in a house all by herself, hours away from any of her family and she knew it was going to be a fair while before she even spoke with someone face to face. Much longer than most people. She was still at the point where even bringing up the thought of going to the store- with a trusted mask on, of course - would send her mother into a spiral of worse case scenarios and her father would be threatening to call her doctor.

As neurotic as the two could be about her health, Y/N completely understood their reactions. Things had never really been the same since her accident, even with the years gone by.

She was sat on her sofa- well, actually, sat on her floor, with her back against the sofa - when the door bell rang. She was up at lighting speed, bounding her way over to the front of the house before peaking a look through the peep hole and finding no one there. Unfazed by this, she unlocked the door and pulled it open to unveil a package at her doorstep, the ever familiar Amazon logo splashed across it. In the past few weeks, the delivery service and her bank account had become well acquainted, with most of her new found hobbies being aided by it.

In a matter of seconds, she'd picked up the package, shut the door and made her way into her kitchen, a drawer being pulled open as she dug through it for a pair of scissors. The package was ripped up and there she found a sight she wasn't awaiting, her eyes widening ever so slightly and a "Huh." noise escaping her.

There, laying on the remaining cardboard package, sat a hardback copy of A Tale Of Two Cities. And right next to it sat an identical copy, both of them staring up at Y/N.

“This can't be right, right?” She proposed the question down at Cooper, who'd at some point sauntered in to the kitchen and sat down at her feet, his tail wagging lazily upon being spoken to.

Sure enough, when she checked her receipt online, there was only one copy on the list. She wondered if it was perhaps a “buy one, get one free” kind of deal but quickly found no evidence to back up her hypothesis.

Thinking of what the right thing to do would be, Y/N on instinct began to investigate how she could possibly return the additional book they'd sent to her. As she came to the realization that it would entail her having to return both books and, then, waiting once again for a copy to be sent to her, she changed her mind instantly. A few other solutions came to mind: she could mail it to her sister-in-law, she was just as much of a book worm as Y/N; or she could keep it until the next time she needs a birthday present for someone; or she could just keep both of the copies, even if it felt a little wasteful.

It was only later on that very evening, as Y/N chopped away at some onions and was struggling to contain her tears- she had a spoon in her mouth because her mother swore it stopped you from crying, spoiler: it did not -, that the perfect idea struck.

In the corner of her eye she spotted him, strolling about his own kitchen. He hadn't lived next door for very long, he'd only moved in at the very start of the year, if she remembered correctly. And though they had never really spoken or interacted- polite waves and stiff smiles when spotting one another either leaving or arriving home wasn't exactly very conversational after all-, Y/N couldn't help but decide he was going to be the honorary recipient of the book. After all, what was the worst that could happen? Well, he could use the book to keep his fireplace alight, but Y/N was more eager to just think optimistically about it.

With her mind firmly made up, she neatly wrapped the book in some stray wrapping paper she'd found in her junk drawer and tied a neat, makeshift bow around it. His doorstep was only a couple feet from her own and it wasn't long till she was stood right in front of it, finger hovering over the doorbell as she wrestled with the thought off handing the present directly to him. She recalled one night, where her bedroom curtains had been wide open to let in the moonlight, and he'd walked past his own bedroom window, nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. The image of water dripping down those defined abs made her mind up and she placed the wrapped book next to his door, the little note she'd written taped on to it carefully.

Happy housewarming! I hope you're taking care during these trying time! - Y/N, your neighbor from door 27. p.s. Cooper (the German Shepherd) says sorry for peeing in your flowers :(

A few days later, as Y/N and Cooper arrived home from their daily walk, a mysterious package sat on the doorstep. What made it mysterious was the fact it wasn't from Amazon, nor from her local grocery store either. Cooper possessed no hesitation and dashed over to investigate, his tail beginning to wag as Y/N approached the front door.

“What is it, Coops?” She crouched down, her hand rubbing over the top of his head as his tongue dangled out of his mouth. There was a small piece of paper stuck on the package and, at first, she wondered if perhaps her attempt at a kind gesture had backfired and the hot neighbor had just dropped it back off. Then, she read the note. “Housewarming? Took you a while. This Dickens guy's good, hope he finally get's some popularity soon. - Daveed, your neighbor from door 28.” A smile crept onto her face as she learnt his name. It felt nice on her lips. His calligraphy skills only made the name look prettier. “P.S. check this book out, author is a real hidden gem. P.S.S. tell Cooper it's chill, I got my revenge and peed in his flowers.”

It was there on her doorstep, with a thin layer of sweat decorating her face and a tired out dog at her feet, that Y/N upgraded Daveed from hot neighbor to hot and funny neighbor.

It was almost like an otherworldly sign when Y/N stumbled over a chew toy the next day, her whole body slamming right into her bookcase and out from it fell a book, smacking her right on her head to add yet another bruise on to her list. Her mother had always joked that she bruised easier than a peach, partially on account of her incapability to walk five paces without stumbling over air or slipping on dry ground.

She let out a groan, her hand rubbing at the spot the book hit her and she reached down to grab her attacker- which lay face down - off of the floor. The cover turned out to be that of The Great Gatsby and the sudden urge to wrap it up, attach a note and drop it over at Daveed's doorstep became overwhelming. It still felt so personal to know his name.

Was she seriously about to use a book as an excuse to try catch a glimpse of her hot neighbor, who just yesterday was claiming to have peed on her flowers? Yes, yes she was. Because, after all, he was hot. And if society had taught her anything, it was that hot people were excused of everything. Okay, perhaps she was exaggerating just a little bit but it all added up to the same thing: Daveed was hot and she was thirsty.

Maybe quarantine really was beginning to have an effect on her.

A few hours later, Y/N was comfortably snuggled under her blankets in bed, the room illuminated by nothing but her television screen and the streetlights outside. A door opened somewhere, her anxious brain questioning if it was one of her own doors but the sudden laughter she could hear changed her train of thought quickly.

Oh my god, his laugh was music to her ears. And, oh my god, she'd actually made him laugh.

She lay back, wondering which part of her note had made Daveed laugh as consciousness slowly slipped away from her. One house away, her hot and funny neighbor was near mirroring her position in his own bed, his head replaying the note he'd received from the cute girl next door.

Not too sure about this author, he seems to have a fetish for big feet! I'm beginning to question exactly what kind of weird foot erotica you read, Daveed from door 28! -Y/N, your foot hating neighbor. P.S. this guy definitely needs more clout, can't you just picture his writing being used to teach the younger generations? P.S.S. Cooper isn't happy about you peeing in his flowers but he is happy about the treats.

Two days later, in the morning, Y/N was sat at her kitchen island. Her computer lay open in front of her, untouched for the past half hour as she flipped through the pages of her book and sipped away at the smoothie she'd blended up for herself. Cooper lay sound asleep under her seat, the occasional snore coming from the pup. It was those moments in her quarantine that she enjoyed most, just pure tranquility. It took her mind off of the loneliness.

A feeling overcame her, as the hairs on the back of her neck began to rise. It was almost like she could feel someone's eyes on her. She tore her own eyes away from the printed text and checked her surroundings vaguely. It was only when she looked straight ahead, out of the window that she spotted the intrusive stare of his.

They were sat in near parallel, him also sat at his kitchen island with a computer opened, only he had a mug of coffee instead of a smoothie. When their eyes made contact, he grinned at her, waving the book in his hand before pointing at the cover. The Great Gatsby.

He really was reading the book she'd sent over.

Mirroring his actions, she lifted up her own book, the one he'd sent over all those days ago. The Hobbit.

It was short, it was sweet and it was the longest they had ever interacted off paper. Even without verbal communication, so much was said between them both in that small instance. It was a sign that these little book deliveries were appreciated, they both cared enough to read whatever the other sent over.

Maybe it was time to consider Daveed her hot, funny and caring neighbor.

The book exchanges continued onward for weeks.

Daveed sent over a collection of fairy tales by the Grimm brothers, his attached note read: Thanks for putting me onto Fitzgerald, gonna have to see if the school board will let me teach his work in my lectures. Think they might be against it, what ya think? In the meantime, check these indie short stories out. Think Cooper will resonate with the wolf in the Red Ridding Hood story. -Daveed, your literature professor neighbor. P.S. Noticed the Raptors jersey on your washing line, tell your boyfriend the Warrior in me is unimpressed.

To which Y/N replied to with, alongside a copy of Twilight,: Cooper loved the Red Ridding Hood story, but he says you remind him of the grandmother in it. Speaking of wolves, check out this classic example of American literature, the lack of emotions this author puts into her writing is truly astounding. -Y/N, the Raptor next door. P.S. The Raptors jersey is mine, but I'll applaud you for smoothly trying to find out if I have a boyfriend. For the record, I do. He's tall, dark haired and lives in my imagination. P.S.S. Could you ask your girlfriend if she knows any good foundations? I'm thinking of changing mine.

He took less than a day to fire back with a copy of 50 Shades Of Grey: If Cooper is the wolf, and I'm the grandmother, would that make you the girl? I think the romance in this book is quite poignant, it really values the emotional over the physical. - Daveed, your grandmother neighbor. P.S. Not sure about my girlfriend's foundation, seeing as she doesn't exist, but I use L'Oreal. Very creamy, or whatever it is foundation is meant to be like. P.S.S. You looked cute in your paint splattered t-shirt the other day.

Not even an hour later, he opened his door to find a hardback of the Holy Bible and the following: I went into that book expecting a rush of happiness and sweetness, but ended up feeling scared and turned on in the most confusing way. I worry about your taste, Daveed, and that is why I'm recommending this book to you. This will cleanse you of all you've done wrong, my friend. -Y/N, your concerned neighbor. P.S. I'm not the girl, I'm the huntsman. P.S.S. Your dog is so cute, Cooper wants her/his number.

It took 45 days of lockdown for Y/N to finally venture out to her local grocers, tired of ordering food online and desperate for some human contact which didn't have to be separated by a great distance and united by a glass screen and a stable internet connection. She'd felt wrong; out of place; strange the whole time she'd been wandering up and down the aisles of the shop, her mask secured on her face and a near full basket hanging on her arm.

The fact Cooper was at home, holding down the fort for the time being gave her a little comfort.

Despite paying through self-service, and using a contactless card payment, her father's voice was ringing in her ears, scolding her for even taking the risk of stepping outdoors. Naturally, she appreciated his caring tendencies but she liked to consider herself old enough and smart enough to manage her own health problems.

With four bags stacked awkwardly in her arms, she took a few steps away from her car, attempting to peak over her shopping to see just where exactly the gate to her garden was. She could very faintly hear Cooper's excited whining, his paws scratching against the metal gate.

It was the sound of a voice, a very distinct voice, calling out her name that halted her movement and turned her head.

“Let me,” He, Daveed from door 28, paused, his hand clutching at his heaving chest. As her eyes drifted over him briefly, she took note of the trainers, the sweaty running shorts and, most of all, his bare chest, perfectly lined abs scattered along him. “get that for you.”

Before Y/N could so much as protest, Daveed had already snatched all four bags from her arms and was stood holding the gate open for her, a stupidly handsome smile decorating him. Her mask was still firmly held up but she smiled beneath it and done her best to share her gratitude with him.

“You don't need to do that.” Despite her words, she never attempted to take her bags back from him, instead cautiously slipping her way past him into her open garden. Cooper launched his paws up onto her, a bark of excitement escaping him before he licked at her arm and redirected his attention to Daveed. Cooper was still fairly young, not even a year old yet, but he was a fierce dog when it came to guarding his owner from any stranger. So, for Y/N to turn back and find him happily circling Daveed's legs, his favorite toy in his mouth and his tail wagging at lighting speed, it was purely a shock to her system.

And the clearest sign she'd ever seen that Daveed, whether he was a complete stranger to her or not, could be trusted.

“Where should I leave these?” He ignored her protest, effortlessly walking up the path of her garden with the heavy bags secure in his hands. Having him around her, all sweaty and heavy breathing and half dressed was more of a health hazard than her trip to the shops. Y/N began to wonder if it was legal to look so good.

“Uh, just,” She fished through her purse for her door key, avoiding the temptation to peak at his abs again. “on the table over there, if you don't mind.” She nodded her head in the direction of the small table sat out on her front porch and, within a couple seconds, she felt as Daveed brushed past her, so close she swore she could feel the heat radiating off of him.

He done exactly as she requested and lay the bags gently to rest on the table, the muscles in his arms flexing. Y/N had to wonder if this was a purposeful action, a way to tempt and seduce her, as if he needed to try much to succeed at that. She'd more or less been whipped for him the second he delivered his first book to her.

“Are you looking after yourself?” Her parents had asked this every time they spoke on the phone - which was basically a daily occasion - but hearing it from Daveed felt refreshing, as though she'd never heard the words before; as though she'd never been spoken to with such tenderness. She let her eyes meet his face, a dangerous choice when she found a dazzling smile reflected back at her.

“I am.” Was it possible for a smile to be brighter than the sun? “Are you?”

“Yeah. Even started eating kale.” Daveed chuckled and she followed suit, because his laugh was infectious and she would willingly let it consume her. “It tastes like shit, don't get me wrong, but it's gotta count for something, right?”

“Oh, totally, kale-boy.”

“Excuse me, I'd prefer if you called me by what I really am: a kale-man.”

The mask slid down the bridge of her nose as she smiled wider than the Cheshire cat. In her mind, she cursed her heart-eyes behavior but it did nothing to halt it, Daveed simply put her on edge in the best way.

“It was nice to finally hear your voice, it's cuter than I thought.” She wondered if he was aware of the effect he was having on her, if each word and every gesture of his was carefully calculated to make her weak in the knees. “I'll save you from my sweaty smell and head off now, I can hear the shower calling my name.”

The last thing, yet also the best thing, Y/N needed to be envisioning was a water soaked Daveed. “I didn't want to say anything but, yeah, you smell worse than Cooper's breath.”

“There's the attitude from all your notes!” Daveed had at some point stepped closer to her, to the point where it was likely a big enough inhalation of a breath would have their chests touching. He was so tall, and muscular. “I'll see you around, Y/N from door 27.”

For two minutes she stood there, mask slapped across her face and her breath caught in her throat, nothing but the raw memory of his body so close and, yet, so far away from her own. She made her way indoors, finally, in a zombiefied state. Cooper trailed happily behind her through the house and all the way into the kitchen and, like the good pup he was being raised to be, he helped put away a few of the groceries, by greedily grabbing at the packet of dog treats when something else in the bag caught Y/N's attention.

“Thank you for the bible, now may I rebut with a copy of the Torah? The characters might seem similar but I swear it's different. Friend? Was that you officially friendzoning me, Y/N? And to think I was willing to look past the fact you're a raptor.” She mumbled allowed without even noticing, her eyes drifting across the note in her hand. When Daveed had snuck this into her shopping, she didn't know. Perhaps he'd left it earlier on that day and simply scooped it into the bags after carrying them for her. That sure made more sense than her theory of him hiding the book down his running shorts. “P.S. My dog and I share a number, so I guess I'll just have to give you that one. Just tell Cooper no phone calls past ten o'clock, that's her bedtime.”

She'd never thought it would be so easy to achieve her hot neighbor's number, but the crumpled paper in her hand told her differently.

The room was dark. Or maybe her eyes were closed. Y/N honestly didn't know nor care enough to find out which was the truth. No, all she cared about was the feeling of her nerves being lit on fire and simultaneously soothed. As the moments passed, she became more and more aware of the predicament she found herself in. Her head was thrown back on the comfort of someone's pillow- it couldn't be one of her own, it was far too plush and soft -, both her legs were bent up at the knee, her hands were busy grasping on to anything and everything close by (the bed sheets, the headboard, the hair of whoever was currently positioned between her thighs) and her mouth was agape. Hushed moans and whimpers of ecstasy filled the thick air of the room, and they were all coming from her.

The tension was building in her gut, a knot winding itself tighter and tighter all the while threatening to snap at any moment. Her hips started grinding in time with the warm tongue against her heat. Or, maybe, she'd already been grinding before. Nothing was making sense. Up was down, left was right and Y/N was on the brink of the most thrilling orgasm she'd felt in a while, or ever, really.

“You gonna cum for me, baby?”

Her eyes- which apparently had in fact been opened all along-, with heavy eyelids, flickered down to between her legs. The man was certainly a specimen built to the likes of a Greek god, or something deriving from one. His fingers, buried deep within her, coaxed out another moan from her as they curled upwards. Daveed only smiled in satisfaction at this, as if he was getting more pleasure from it than she was.

Daveed.

Holy shit.

Daveed was between her bare legs.

Y/N bolted up and out of bed, hand reaching out and switching on the light. Just as she expected, there was no sign of Daveed in her room: not on her bed, not under her covers, not in her closet. But he was everywhere in her mind. Fully dressed, Y/N had never felt more naked in her entire life as she gazed out of her bedroom balcony door, over at the very window of the man who'd soaked her dream in a haze of steam. 

His light was on.

Worst of all, she found that Daveed was sat at his desk, typing away at something on his opened laptop. As though he felt her intrusive gaze, he looked up from the screen and met her eyes. Due to the distance between them both Y/N couldn't tell for sure but she could have sworn he sucked in his lower lip before releasing it in a teasing smile, his hand lazily waving at her.

With all the shame in the world, she shut her curtains and flopped back on to her bad.

In the span of five minutes she'd dreamed of Daveed doing unspeakable things to her with that mouth of his and been caught peeking into the bedroom of the very same man.

She hadn't phoned him.

She hadn't sent a book over to him.

She hadn't opened her blinds.

He'd been stuck thinking about her for eight days straight, yet it was beginning to feel like she'd been nothing but a creation of his own socially starved brain.

In the grand scheme of things, Daveed was not a narcissist. But he also wasn't an idiot. He was very aware of his own looks, of the lingering stares he'd receive from his students- male and female alike-, of the way soccer moms would shamelessly pay more attention to him than their own sons when he coached the local little league team. And, up until that point, he'd been sure Y/N had been reciprocating whatever feelings he'd amassed for her.

One thing Daveed was is decisive.

Mask pulled across the lower part of his face, he let himself into the gated front yard. In a couple seconds, Cooper had pounced up at him, tail wagging a million miles an hour and tongue lapping away at his face. He chuckled as he lowered the dog safely back onto all four paws.

It only took knocking on the door twice for him to get a “Hold on!” shouted from some part of the house as a response. Relief flooded him at the sound of Y/N's voice, reassuring him that everything was okay. But it only brought on more questions about her sudden lack of communication.

“Hell- Oh, Daveed.” A mask decorated her own face, meaning he was unaware  of the hint of a smile on her lips. All Daveed could see were her widened and tired eyes. “Can I help you?” He'd been stood staring her in silence for a little too long, it seemed.

"You never called.” He'd never sounded more pathetic in his life.

“You noticed.”

“Of course I noticed. Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?”

Apart from appear in one of my wet dreams? “What?! No! I've just been busy and I also didn't want to burden you, if I'm honest.”

“I gave you my number so you'd call me, Y/N.”

“And here I thought it was so our two dogs could kick off their fairy-tale romance.”

“As their parents, don't you think it's our responsibility to get along?” Daveed wanted to ask what had kept her busy for eight days. He wanted to know what she thought about in the morning, in the evening. What she thought about him. About the prospect of there ever being a “them”. But it wasn't the time nor the place. “Promise you'll call.”

“I promise I'll call you, loser.” She laughed behind her mask, leaving him with a longing to see her smile. “Now get lost, I've probably just burnt my omelette because of you.”

Daveed had just closed his front door as he felt his phone begin to buzz in his pocket, an unknown number displayed across the screen.

“You owe me an omelette.” Were the first words he heard as he answered it.

Two months passed. The quarantine rules had loosened and tightened over and over again. The supermarkets had restocked their shelves many times. An entire season had come and gone. And Y/N and Daveed had spoken nearly every single day on the phone.

He'd come to learn a few key things: a health scare had kept her busy those eight days; she was allergic to bullshit and always called him out on his; she loved rose wine, or any wine really; she had the most beautiful mind.

She'd also come to learn some stuff about him: he was a university professor, specifying in classic literature; despite the muscles, he was one heck of a dork; he knew a little too much about the rap industry and was prone to throw himself into tangents about the subject; his voice was even more heavenly in the morning.

“Make yourself something to eat,” Daveed spoke down the line, a twinge of excited demand in his voice. “pour yourself a glass of wine and go up to your bedroom balcony.”

“Ooh, someone's feeling bossy tonight, huh?” Y/N laughed, switching the phone between hands as she pushed herself off of her couch, disturbing a sleeping Cooper. After a few strokes to his head, she began her journey to the kitchen, suppressing a laugh as the tired dog chose to follow her, much like he done all the time. “Am I allowed to ask why I'm doing this?”

“Just do it, before I hang up.”

“I'll add grumpy to list of Daveed Moods tonight.”

With a bowl of heated up leftover pasta, a bottle of red wine and a glass balanced in her hands, and her phone glued between her ear and her shoulder, Y/N found her way up stairs to her bedroom. She was incapable of turning on the lights until she'd put down the items in her hand. It was then, as the lights lit up her room in a warm, golden hue, that she noticed Daveed.

No, not in her room. That would have been completely creepy, and partially arousing.

He was sat out on his own balcony, room lit up behind him, with a dish of unknown food, some wine and a candle lit in front of him. He was dressed casually, yet Y/N still found herself on the cusp of drooling at the sight of him. And when he finally noticed her, Daveed waved with the most shit eating grin on his face.

“Cute onesie. What is it, a bunny?” His tone was friendly, as always, but that never stopped her from groaning in frustration at his teasing.

“Did you call me up here just to criticize my choice of clothing, Diggs? Because I was taking part in an intense Criminal Minds marathon before someone interrupted me.”

“I actually called you to invite you to enjoy the evening with me.” It was a curse and a blessing to be so foul minded, Y/N's instantly flooding her with different meanings to his words. “The sky looked pretty tonight and I need someone to appreciate it with me. Unfortunately, you're the only one who answered my call.”

“I won't hesitate to hang up.”

“Stop talking and sit down, your dinner'll get cold.”

Who knows how much time really passed as the two sat staring out at the other, bellies filled by food and wine, hearts filled with desire and longing. There was a great distance between the two balconies but Y/N couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so close to someone, even before social distancing had become the norm.

“It's crazy, I know. How can we be prepared to teach classes now that the infection rates are higher than back at the start of the year, where we all shut down?” Daveed had brought up the fact he was going back to work soon, a topic which made him a perfect blend of relieved, infuriated and confused. “I give it one semester till they make us go back to online teaching, honestly. What about you? Any signs of getting back to your office?”

“We just got the go ahead last week, we're opening back up in a fortnight.” Her reply was paused by a sip of wine, her second glass of the night. “I say we but I really mean them. My doctor told me I'm not allowed to go back yet, apparently I've got some tests left to do.”

The silence that ensued lasted quite a few minutes, then Daveed sighed down the line.

“Is it alright for me to ask why?” He seemed to regret his words instantly, at least from the limited expressions Y/N could read on his face. “I mean, the doctor thing. Are you sick or...?”

“Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't ask sooner.” In their months of getting to know each other, there were times she couldn't even open the door to him when he'd deliver some of her mail or drop off a bunch of flowers he'd stolen from a neighboring garden. It was always under the excuse of doctor's orders and he never questioned or doubted her, he just accepted her for everything she said and gave of herself. “I was in a car accident a couple years ago. It wasn't fatal for anyone, thankfully, but it was pretty bad. One of my lungs ended up collapsing.

I pretty much lived in and out of the hospital for months, which almost sucked more than having a lung that was pretty much giving up on me. I don't know if you've ever spent a lot of time in hospital but it's like attending your own funeral. Everyone that visits you has this look of grief, everything they say is apologetic and there are so many tears. Not to mention the fact the place smells like a crime scene with how much bleach cleaning they do. Anyways, I'm okay now but I guess they consider me high risk or something so they're taking extra steps to make sure I'm as safe and as far away from that virus as possible.”

“So, correct me if I'm wrong, but does that mean I won't be able to take you out anytime soon?” Daveed spoke up finally, and boy was she glad that he didn't want to stick on the topic of her hospital stay. It was a dark and sad time, and she didn't want to experience any of that with him.

“Nope, not until I get permission from my doctor.”

“Can't believe I'm getting cock-blocked by some fucking virus.”

A laugh, so loud that Daveed heard it without his phone pressed to his ear, erupted from Y/N. “You'll just have to settle for balcony dates for now.”

“This isn't a date, Y/N.” It was his turn to laugh.

“Oh, sorry.” Clearly, she was worse at reading signs than she'd thought. She'd never felt more foolish in her life.

“When I eventually do take you on a date, there won't be so much space between us.” His words honestly had the chance to make or break her in that moment, her entire soul depended on whatever he said next. “It'll be a night where I take you to the most ridiculously expensive restaurant. We won't really like the food on the menu but we'll stay as part of a principle. You'll be reluctant to let me blow all my money on the bill but I'll get my way eventually. We'll find some excuse or reason to stay out. Maybe we'll find some piano bar, do some dancing, share some drinks. I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about how beautiful you look. We'll still be hungry because dinner was shit, so we'll get some fast food before you let me drive us home. I'll probably hold your hand while I drive. I'll walk you to your front door and, even if I really wish you'd invite me in, I'll be relieved when you don't. I'll try tell you how much I enjoyed our night but I'll probably fumble my words. You'll finally send me on my way but I'll find a way to steal a kiss from you. I'll probably think about your lips until the next date I take you on.”

“The english major really jumped out of you.” Y/N wished she didn't lack the self control to say something normal when a man spoke to her like Daveed did. “But, uh, that sounds really nice. Honestly. Except the bill part. We'll be splitting it or I won't be coming on that date.”

“You're so high maintenance, Y/N from door 27, but I guess that could work.” The eye-roll was audible in his tone. “Speaking of english major, I actually have a book for you to read.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I'll drop it round in the morning.”

“I'll be at the doctors in the morning, sorry.” The wine had rushed to her cheeks, heating them up and making the chill in the air all the more relaxing, lulling her into a half asleep faze.

“Don't worry, I'll leave you a note.”

[katehuntington]

Title: Ride With Me (part 25) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±6900 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part 25: Y/N and Dean struggle with the aftermath of their split. Working together proves to be difficult, but other relationships within the ranch family took a hit as well. When the cowboy thinks the day can’t get much worse, complications arise, forcing him to make yet another difficult decision. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff,  angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak, slowburn. Crying, nightmares, childhood  trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of  addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of  blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: (opening scene) The Eye - Brandi Carlile. (Ride with Meadow scene) Home - Hans Zimmer. Follow ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: Beta’d by my mom (yes, you read that right. My mom reads my stuff and is on Tumblr). Thank you, @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish​​, @kittenofdoomage​​, @manawhaat​​, @waywardbeanie​​, @atc74​​​​​, and @winchest09​​​​​ for helping me with this story. Also a special thanks to @jules-1999​​​​​, who has offered me her knowledge about rodeo events like these, and @squirrelnotsam​​​​​, who knows Arizona like the back of her hand.

Ride With Me Masterlist

     With frustrated motions, Y/N stuffs her clothes into a bag, not even bothered to sort the items out. Her cheeks are tear-stained once again and she wipes at them angrily. Stop crying, it won’t get you anywhere, she scolds herself, done with feeling this emotional. After all, today is Monday, just another day at the ranch, and they have a lot of work to do. Garth and Ellen did the necessary stable work, but the horses which are usually trained by Jo, Dean, and herself had three days off while their riders were in Flagstaff. 

     Dean. Just the name reverberating in her head forces her to pause her actions. She dips her chin, closes her eyes, and takes a breath. Why? That’s the question she keeps asking herself. Why did he break up with her? Why did he pretend to care, only to hurt her the way he did? Why has he become so bitter, so selfish, so unlike the man she thought he was?

     The questions remain unanswered, and she doesn’t expect they will give her any consolation either. That was the whole issue to begin with, wasn’t it? He can’t be honest. Apparently, he doesn’t think she’s capable of bearing the load he is meant to share with his partner. Apparently, she’s not good enough. Just like she didn’t meet her first boyfriend’s standards, who got tired of her spending more time with her horses than with him. Her second relationship ended in a fiasco as well, this time it was his jealousy of her success that caused the split. Yesterday proved that the third time clearly isn’t a charm. But neither of her previous significant others ever caused a cataclysm as the one Dean has left behind. Her heart is a wasteland now.

     “Are you leaving?”      She’s pulled away from her thoughts by Jo’s voice, her tone matching the horrified expression on her face. She stands in the doorway, looking down at the open suitcase on the floor and the unzipped bag. All of a sudden, Y/N realizes what the scene must look like.      “No. I’m just sorting out my washing,” she says quickly.      “Oh…” the blonde cowgirl sighs, relieved. “For a second there I thought--”      “I won’t let your scumbag cousin chase me away, Jo,” her friend assures her.

     Truth be told, though, she has been thinking about it. Last night she had typed down her information on a booking website, ready to confirm her flight back to Freeport, but as her finger hovered over the ‘confirm’ button, she closed the tab and slammed her laptop closed. The intern came here on a mission. She is going to prove to her parents and to herself that she has what it takes to run her own ranch and that she deserves that business loan. She is not going to abort just because her heart is broken, come hell or high water.

     “Well, good. I would have roped you like a cow and tied you to the saddle anyway,” Jo scoffs, leaning against the doorframe. 

     The cowgirl chuckles as she collects the last of her dirty laundry, zips up the bag, and puts it on the bed. The sight of the not-particularly comfortable mattress has her wishing she could crawl back under the covers and get some much-needed sleep. That’s not an option, however, and so she takes her hat from the corner bedpost and places it on her head. Before she goes out, she quickly checks her makeup in the mirror, but thankfully her tears haven’t smudged her waterproof eyeliner and mascara, and her foundation is still covering the bags under her eyes. It’s been a while since she hid behind the beauty-products, but the confidence Dean gave her has disappeared the second he ended their relationship, so she put her mask back on. There is no way she will give her ex-boyfriend the satisfaction of witnessing just how broken she is.

     Y/N inhales deeply and squares her shoulders, lifting her chin as she stares at her reflection. The woman who looks back at her is fierce and resilient; the complete opposite of the little girl that’s hiding inside. Of course, she doesn’t want to face the day nor the man who hurt her, but she is left with no choice. There is so much more at stake here; her future, her career. This is business, and she will treat it as such. Y/N glances at Jo, giving her a nod, and her friend smiles faintly doing the same.

     Rubbing his tired eyes, Dean pours himself his third cup of coffee. Saying that he had a rough night, is putting it mildly. The first digit of his alarm clock had already changed into a ‘2’ when he finally drifted off, only to jolt awake an hour and a half later, his bedsheets clinging to his sweat-covered skin. For the first time in years, a nightmare has caused havoc, images of his worst memories coming through cracks in the walls he built around all that childhood trauma. After freshening up, he laid in bed again while last night’s events alternated with those same disturbing scenes he saw in his dreams, the sad motion picture of sorrow and heartbreak projected on the ceiling. He gave up on sleeping around four-thirty in the morning, got dressed, and sat out on the porch until the sun came up. But no matter how hard he focused on the sounds of the night that tried to soothe him, he couldn't get her out of his mind. The pain laced in her desperate voice, the tears that fell because of him. But after those hurtful images, he also remembers that bright smile, her giggles, the sparkle in her eyes when she has achieved something. Her tenderness, her touch… It hasn’t even been twelve hours and he’s already craving Y/N, fighting an addiction for a drug he can never have again. The girl who is no longer his Yankee.

     A door squeaks and Dean glances aside, immediately redirecting his gaze back to the coffee mug on the small kitchen counter when Y/N comes into view, followed suit by Jo. Instantly, the tension in the living room shoots through the roof, the crooked, little bunkhouse barely able to maintain the strain. He doesn’t say anything, but thankfully Garth and Benny do exchange a ‘good morning’ with the girls, the silence interrupted by the casual exchange. 

     He spots her perfectly applied makeup, her hair tied back in a tight ponytail that doesn’t  allow a single strand to escape the rubber band. Her shirt is neatly tucked into her jeans, ironed and spotless, just like the day when she arrived at the ranch. Even though she looks breathtaking, the vision saddens him; she’s back to being the woman who needs to have everything under control. He gets it, though, because when she took his advice to loosen up, she let her guard down. If she had kept both hands on the reins, Y/N would have never allowed him to get so close and comfortable. Dean only made things worse for her, and now she was left to pick up the pieces of all that he broke.

     Without saying a word, he grabs his coffee and pushes the door handle down to make his exit, not wanting to make her life more difficult than he already has.

     Ultimately, this Monday was bound to get worse with every passing minute. Dean decided to get an early start before breakfast and got on the tractor, but when the ranch hand tried to back up in order to drag the arena, he couldn't get the old John Deere into reverse. A glance underneath soon determined why and he exclaimed a loud ‘fuck!’ when he detected the puddle of gearbox-oil on the dusty ground. Turning the fresh horses out only added to his agitation, especially when the youngsters stirred up the palomino stallion Led while the wrangler was hand-walking him. The Quarter is still recovering from the nasty tendon injury he suffered on the job, and isn’t supposed to be bouncing off the concrete like a rubber ball on a leash, but tell that to an energetic horse who has barely been out of his box for the past month. Garth readied a horse for his boss, which he managed to ride before breakfast, but Dean was unfocused and gave up after thirty minutes.

     Now, they were all quietly eating their breakfast, the delicious meal giving them some consolation. Ellen observes the awfully silent crew, exchanging a look with her daughter, who with a slow shake of her head tells her mother to not bring it up, and so she doesn’t. The head wrangler is the first to get up from his seat, rinse his plate in the sink, and return to the stables. The others follow his example, the barn soon buzzing with activity. 

     Y/N works like a dog, mucking out the stable in record time without pausing. It’s a good distraction for her reeling mind, the hard labor ridding her of the frustration that boils her blood whenever she thinks of the man who ruined her faith in true love. Garth, sensing that the intern was fine on her own, took the tough job of raking the arena by hand, since machinery has let them down. Meanwhile, Jo and Dean train the animals as per usual, but there’s no bantering between them during the cool down. In fact, the wrangler’s cousin has decided to ignore him altogether. 

     Getting more irritated with every second passing, the horseman dismounts the six-year-old gelding named Santana, deciding that a light workout is enough for today. The wrangler is always careful to not let his emotions bleed into his work, but he’s finding it difficult to keep himself in check. Jo has already parked her horse next to the bay Quarter and has tacked down the buckskin without granting Dean a look. He sighs; Jo is not easily going to forgive him for hurting her friend, but he still tries to break the stifling silence.

     “Can you pass me the water?” he asks, nodding at the yellow garden hose that’s rolled up by the faucet.      Without even granting him a look, the ranch owner’s daughter throws the showerhead in his direction, the nozzle clattering on the tiles in front of Dean’s feet. He sighs, annoyed.      “So this is how it’s gonna be?” he scoffs. “I get that you’re mad, but you can at least t--”      “I have nothing to say to you,” she snaps. 

     It’s not the first time Jo is angry with him, because the two have a habit of getting on each other’s nerves. This time it’s different, though, and the bitterness in her tone sends a clear message that he has burned his bridges. Gritting his teeth, he lets the comment slide, deciding that it’s useless to fire back a counter. She has a solid point after all; he doesn’t deserve her sympathy in the slightest. Figuring that these will be the only words they exchange for at least a couple of days, the cowboy begins to hose down Santana, when Jo turns on her heels with her horse’s lead rope in one hand and her fist firmly planted on her waist.      “You know what? I do have something to say. You just don’t get to speak in return,” she kicks off, about to unleash her wrath.      Dean lifts his gaze from the dirt and sweat that he’s washing out of his horse’s coat, for the first time looking into his cousin’s fiery eyes. The petit cowgirl, who is easily nine inches shorter than the man before her, is intimidating nonetheless. He takes a breath, bracing himself for impact. Here it comes.

     “You’re a cold-hearted, spineless, self-absorbed dick, know that? For once in your life, you’ve got something good goin’, someone who was willing to look past your gigantic ego and your daddy issues, yet the first thing you do when life gets tough, is drop her like a hot potato. Do you have any idea how much pain you’ve caused the poor girl? Because I do! She wouldn’t want me to tell you this, but she cried for hours, hours, and that’s on you! Guess who had to comfort her, huh?” Jo goes off. “I am so far past mad; I am furious! I really thought you had finally found a reason to change into something better than the abbreviated piece of nothing that you are now, but it seems like Y/N wasn’t the only one who was naive.”      “You done?” the wrangler says coldly when she pauses to catch her breath.      “Go hump a cactus, Dean,” she sneers.

     With those words, Jo strides away, the large animal next to her obediently following her, well aware that now is not the time to be stubborn. The man who’s left with the poignant insults still echoing inside his head, pulls at his bottom lip with his teeth, staring at his feet for a second before he sniffs and focuses on the task at hand again. He might have pretended that her message left him unbothered, but the opposite is true. Jo could as well slap him across the face; it would hurt less. 

     Defeated, the wrangler takes Santana to his box and removes the halter from the large animal’s head. The sweet horse seeks contact, nudging her nose against Dean’s shoulder. He rubs the Quarter’s withers before he exits the stable, appreciating the only kindness that he’s received so far this morning.

     “Dean?”      He tenses, not expecting his name to fall off the lips of the woman who he parted from only yesterday. When the cowboy meets her gaze, the look Y/N gives him is as cold as the tone of her voice.      “I need a word,” she says, although it sounds more like a demand.      “S - sure,” he stutters, glancing down briefly before he looks back up again, suddenly nervous. He’s not sure if he can handle being scolded by his ex-girlfriend as well.      “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to work together anymore,” she states formally. “I’d like a new supervisor.”

     Dean cocks his head back slightly, unbalanced by the appeal. He rubs his temple, averting his eyes but then nods, acknowledging that she’s probably right, even though the request is a painful one.      “Yeah, uh - sure. I’ll ask Garth,” he stammers, estimating that he would be the obvious choice since she’s so close with Jo. He wouldn’t want their friendship to be tainted by the difference in rank.      “Okay,” the intern responds, her expression stark and strained, before she walks past him.

     Motionless, the head wrangler remains on his spot, setting his jaw and closing his eyes for a second. Somehow, he didn’t expect their first exchange to be strictly business. Her stance is so different from what he’s grown used to. Even on the night they met when she gave him a hard time, the tension between them didn’t feel as heavy as it does now. He realized when he called it quits that she would struggle with his decision, but Jo’s confirmation that she spent most of last night crying over their separation has him desperate to ease the pain.

     “Y/N…” he says softly while turning before she’s too far gone to pick up on his voice.      “I have work to do,” she cuts off, shooting him a short glare over her shoulder.

     Dean swallows thickly while watching her leave, fast and determined strides taking her as far away from him as possible. Damn it, he really did ruin his chances of even maintaining any sort of a friendship, didn’t he? He’s not sure what else he expected after the way they parted, but despite the loathing and vexed look she just shot him that feels like a bullet to the heart, he’s glad. Let her be angry, let her hate him. It will be easier for her to deal with those emotions, than just the overwhelming sense of sadness. He knows, because he hasn’t felt this devastated, empty, and incomplete since his family fell apart; he’s talking from experience.      Wishing the day was over already, the cowboy adjusts his hat and gets back to work, hoping that riding will offer him the therapy he so desperately needs.

     Unfortunately, the day doesn’t pass by nearly as fast as Dean would like to. After riding five horses, he, Benny, and Garth use their lunch break to look at the beat-up tractor that once again has let them down. The head wrangler doesn’t mind skipping his midday meal; he would rather avoid sitting across from Y/N in a room overflowing with awkwardness, plus, he’s not hungry anyway. 

     The machine from 1979 was bound to die on the crew sooner than later, but after the farrier slash mechanic discovers metal particles in the gearbox fluid, it becomes clear that a simple oil change isn’t going to cut it this time.      “Yep, she’s toast,” Benny sighs, wiping his dirty hands with a cloth.      “Just what we need,” his friend grunts. He’s not looking forward to his uncle’s response to the setback. “I’ll tell Bobby.”      “I can if you want me to,” the stable boy - who is also responsible for the machinery - offers.      Dean purses his lips slightly, his thumbs hooked through the belt loops of his jeans while he stares at the old John Deere absently. “Nah, I’ll do it. I got a question for you, though. Do you mind supervising Y/N from now on?”      Garth shakes his head, taking in his boss, somewhat confused. “No, not at all.”      “Good,” the wrangler replies quickly, thankful that the slender employee takes on the task without question. The clueless young man didn’t pick up on the relationship between Dean and the intern to begin with, and he would rather keep him in the dark, especially now that it has ended. He knocks on the rusty hood of the tractor before he heads off. “I’ll see y’all in a bit. Can you start rolling out the hay to the pastures with the wheelbarrows? It’s gonna take a hell of a lot longer without this old thing.”

     The shade inside the stables is welcoming, and not just because it offers cooler temperatures. Dean’s eyes are still painfully sore from the lack of sleep and he rubs at them again, trying to stop them from burning. Shit, and it’s only Monday, he sighs to himself. The three-day event over the weekend means no time off for the employees who attended. The last time he didn’t have to show up at seven in the morning or earlier was late September, which means that he has been working twelve-hour plus shifts for fourteen days straight now. Work never stops on a ranch. The horses depend on him; they will always need food, a clean stable and exercise, no matter how tired, lovesick, or miserable he is. 

     The cafeteria is already empty. His aunt is probably at the guesthouses to change the sheets and towels, giving the accommodations a quick once-over. However, he finds a post-it on the long table with his name on it; ‘Don’t forget to eat. Bacon sandwiches are in the fridge - Ellen’. As the cowboy smiles for the first time today, he wonders if Bobby has told his wife anything about John’s unexpected visit in Flagstaff, hoping that he hasn’t. Knowing his aunt, she’s going to sit him down for some sweet tea and a talk, even though previous attempts of having a conversation as such proved to be unsuccessful. He appreciates her concern, though, the idea of his surrogate mom caring about him offering Dean some solace.

     The wrangler walks through the high barn doors on the other side, the sun doing its very best to cheer him up, but the rays don’t reach his soul. He makes his way to the Singer’s home, reckoning he will find Bobby there. As per usual, Dean takes off his hat and hangs it on the coat hanger, kicking off his boots before he proceeds to the office in the back of the house. After knocking, he pushes the door ajar, finding his uncle behind his desk. The place is still a mess, but the occupant’s features aren’t draped in shadows like the last time he was here. The blinders are open, the window a passe-partout of the Joshua tree, together with the paddocks and pastures surrounding it. 

     The rancher looks up when his nephew enters. “Hey, son. How’s the tractor comin’?”      “Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s fried. The oil is swimming with debris,” Dean tells, taking a seat on the other side of the desk.      “Metal?” Bobby questions. When the young man across from him nods, he curses. “Balls!”

     Dean presses his lips into a firm line, keeping still in the worn chair to prevent it from squeaking. His uncle seemed to be in a good mood after the successful show, but he can tell that this setback has put a strain on the old man’s frame of mind. 

     “You’re gonna call the service station?” the head wrangler wonders.      “No, that’s gonna cost us. We finally managed to make some money, I ain’t planning on spending it on that damned thing.” The rancher adjusts his ball cap before leaning back in his chair. “You boys can give it a go first, open up that gearbox, see what’s broken. I’ll order parts once you figure out what’s wrong with that piece of shit.”

     Scribbling something down on a piece of paper, Bobby sighs, but then returns his focus to Dean. “There’s somethin’ else I need to discuss with you.”      His right-hand raises his eyebrows slightly, his interest peaked. “What’s that?”      “It’s about Cain,” his uncle murmurs. “Apparently MacLeod didn’t tell the entire story.”      Dean scoffs, shaking his head. “Should I be surprised? I’m not sure what kinda vibes you picked up from that shady dude, but I sure as hell don’t trust him for the life of me.”      “I don’t either. That’s why I think we should reconsider that deal.” Bobby rests his elbows on the armrests of his chair, forking his fingers together in his lap. He expected some resistance from Dean, but not such a strong reaction as his nephew fires back.

     “What?! Are you serious?” he counters, perplexed. “You’re just gonna wipe it off the table?”      “Not ‘just’, but we need to consider our options,” his boss returns.      “How many options do we have exactly? Because the way I see it, this arrangement is a pretty damn good one. It’s good money, a steady income with the prospect of a huge bonus, not to mention what doors it might open for the future. This horse might be the break we need,” Dean advocates, remembering Y/N’s words clearly when she summed up all the possibilities that Cain might bring with him. “Look, I know Fergus is a proper dick, but he has a reputation to protect. There’s too much at stake for him, and I don’t believe he will double-cross us. If we deliver, he’s gonna pay good bucks.”      “And that’s where we might have a problem; actually delivering,” Bobby returns, taking in his head wrangler.      Dean draws his head back, slightly hurt, frowning at his uncle’s words. “You don’t think I can get the job done?”      “I’m not sure if anyone can, son,” the owner of the Gold Canyon Ranch states calmly. “The horse doesn’t just have ‘some behavioral issues’, as Fergus put it. He’s unapproachable, unpredictable, aggressive. That stallion is dangerous to everyone in a square mile radius. Jody rang me this morning to warn us.”      “Jody?” the cowboy returns, puzzled. He’s aware that the female rancher knows a lot of people in this business, but he didn’t expect the news of the famous stallion’s arrival would spread so fast. “How did she even know that Cain was coming to us?”      “Because MacLeod is a client of hers. Cain is currently in her stables.”

     Dean’s eyebrows hit his hairline, emerald greens staring over the desk at the man on the other side. While gaping at his uncle, questions begin to race through his mind. Jody did business with Fergus? Jody is a good trainer with excellent judgment, so if she claims Cain is untrainable, that says something. Their last conversation in Flagstaff comes to mind, the news about Gabe’s hospitalization shocking him at the time. Could his friend’s injuries be the stallion’s doing?

     Bobby watches his trusted worker process the information, rolling his chair a little closer and resting his forearms on the varnished wood, closing his hand over his fist. “I know this complicates things, but I’m gonna leave it up to you. If you think you can handle the stallion, I will trust your judgment. But I don’t want you to risk your neck for the money, Dean. We will find another way.”

     The horseman chews on his lip as he ponders, his focus capturing nothing in particular as his eyes flick over the items and documents on the desk. “We’ll have a week to evaluate him. I’ll make the call after that,” he decides. “Mind if I contact Jody to get some insight on what I’m up against?”      “Knock yourself out,” Bobby consents. “Just leave the numbers that we agreed to out of it.”      “Will do.” 

     Dean gets up from his seat, pushing the chair closer to the desk before he intends to slip out of the office before he’s stopped by his boss.      “One more thing,” the wise man says, looking over his enclosed hands. “What’s going on with you and the intern?”

     Caught, the head wrangler freezes, eyes wide with shock and pure horror staring into the hallway. Shit. How the hell is he going to answer that? Is he referring to the dance at the opening night of the horse show or the palpable tension that has surrounded the former couple whenever they were in close range of each other? Dean doesn’t know, but he has the feeling that the continuation of this conversation is going to be anything but pleasant. Composing himself before he turns back to face his uncle.

     “Nothin’. What do you mean?” He shrugs as the corners of his mouth draw down, pretending to be careless.      “Don’t play dumb, boy. I was born at night, but not last night.” Bobby glares at him knowingly. “Are you messin’ around with her?”      “No,” Dean says firmly, the truth in his words hurting him deep down.      His uncle lifts his chin, holding the cowboy’s gaze while narrowing his eyes. It’s clear that he’s not buying. “You wanna explain then why you two were like two peas in a pot in Flagstaff, but can’t even look at each other now?”

     With his hand still on the door handle, his nephew attempts to keep his act together, but then he sighs. Damn it, he was so close to making it out of this meeting alive. Oh well, what’s one more lecture, right?

     “Look, there’s nothing going on, not anymore. I - uh, I got carried away and I shouldn’t have let it,” he admits. “I broke it off. It won’t happen again.”      “Is this gonna be a problem?” his boss asks sternly. “If you two can’t work together--”      “It isn’t. Garth will supervise her from now on. Just to prevent any issues in the future,” he continues, hoping the fact that they actually discussed how to carry on as colleagues from this point forward will put the concern to rest.

     “There better be a future for her here on this ranch. I can’t afford to lose a free worker, especially not one as skilled as she is,” Bobby warns, not convinced. “I’d pray that she won’t pack her bags if I were you, ‘cause I’ll give ya one guess who’s gonna have to work twice as hard and whose ass I’m gonna bust.”      “She won’t leave,” his head wrangler guarantees, willing to bet his life on it. 

     His promise might seem based on a hopeful hunch, but Y/N hasn’t given Dean any indication to question her professionalism. She even approached him in order to change the conditions of her internship, which couldn’t have been easy for her. Their interaction will be minimized and strictly business from now on, something he reckons she will handle much more gracefully than he will, simply because she has a bigger purpose to focus on. This placement is a stepping stone to her dream of owning her own ranch, and that goal hasn’t changed. He knows she won’t leave Gold Canyon.

     Bobby observes his nephew, still bothered by the fact that he didn’t listen to him when he specifically told the bachelor not to get involved with the intern. He’s going to save the rant for another time, though, the sight of an already dejected man before him having him hold back. It seems like this is doing a number on young fellow, and considering how they were with each other at the horse show this weekend, he’s not surprised. The two reminded him of his twenties when he first got together with his Ellen. The boy is hurting, more than he lets on.      “Alright then. Get goin’, I’ve got bills to pay,” he eventually says, shooing Dean out with a flick of the wrist.

     Relieved that his uncle is cutting him some slack, he nods and silently pulls the door shut, putting a barrier between himself and the conversation he has been dreading for weeks. If only he could be able to tell Bobby that he’s with the girl he’s in love with; he would have taken the grumpy rebuke with a grin on his face. If only.

     While stepping outside, the cowboy pulls his cellphone from his jeans pocket, looking up Jody Mills’ number in his contacts. He begins to slowly stroll back and forth on the porch in its sheltering shade, the floorboards moaning and cracking under his boots as he waits with his Nokia pressed against his ear. The steady tone beeps twice before his friend picks up.      “Hey,” it sounds from the other side of the line. “I was hoping you’d call.”      “Yeah, Bobby told me about Cain,” he returns. “Kinda complicates things, don’t it?”      “I need to listen to me very carefully,” Jody starts, earnest and worried. “Do not take that horse into your stable.”

     The cowboy sighs, glancing over the land while hooking his thumb behind his belt. He figured the female rancher would try to convince him to back off.      “It’s good money, Jody, and I’ve handled difficult cases before. Cain deserves a shot. I have to try.”      “I get it, but hear me out. If Fergus offered you a deal that seems too good to be true, that’s because it is. I know you’re an excellent trainer, hell, the best that I know. But I’m telling you, we’re not talking about a stallion with some authority issues here. That horse is twisted, has wires crossed. I have never seen such behavior,” she presses. “So many people have tried to straighten him out already. I did some digging, and Fergus’ supposedly ‘million dollar prospect’ has moved in and out nine different stables over the past year. No one has succeeded.”

     He ponders, not taking her warning lightly. Jody is an experienced equestrian who has dealt with many tough animals. She even passed some horses on to him when she couldn’t get through to them. The woman is well aware of the limits to her expertise and has always been honest with clients when a horse was too much for her to handle, but never before has she doubted that the wrangler from the Gold Canyon Ranch could do the job.

     “When Gabe got hurt, was it…?” Dean wonders, hesitant, not finishing his sentence.      “It was Cain.”

     He sets his jaw, the muscles flexing under his stubble. Although he assumed it was the stallion who has put his former colleague into the hospital, it still shocks him. He continues to pace the deck in front of the Singer’s home.      “How is he doing?” he wonders.      Jody pulls in a deep breath, the message she’s about to deliver clearly a difficult one. “He’s never gonna walk again. Paralyzed from the waist down.”

     Dean closes his eyes and swallows thickly. It’s the outcome they all feared, but hearing the confirmation makes his gut churn. Losing one's legs is a nightmare for everyone, but for a rider? He can’t possibly picture it, becoming wheelchair-bound. Honestly, he would rather die than to never be able to get in the saddle again.

     “Dean, I know you believe every horse deserves a second chance, but please, let this one go. He is beyond repair. I’m not asking, I’m begging,” she pleads, a tremor in her voice. “If you take on Cain, it’s only a matter of time before you get hurt, or worse.” 

     The words are backed up by a heavy silence. The two stay quiet for a while, the words sinking in with the wrangler. Flight animals fueled by fear can do either two things; run or attack. If getting away from the supposed threat is impossible, they tend to go for the last. It’s not something the horse will even think about; it’s a survival instinct. When a naturally kind creature takes a turn like that, it becomes a thousand-pound killing machine. If Cain is truly that far gone, it is likely that he is indeed beyond saving. The trainer has to see it for himself, though, and not just because the ranch can use the cash. He realizes that if he doesn’t take on this task, someone else will, someone with less experience. If this stallion is really that lethal, the next novice trainer might make an error of judgment that will be his or her last. At least Dean has the skills. It seems like he is Cain’s last resort, because if he isn’t trainable, he will get the bullet at some point. He wouldn’t be the first horse to be put down because of similar problems.

     “Thanks for the warning, Jody,” he responds after a long pause. “I’ll keep it in mind.”      “Dean--”      “I know. I know what you’re gonna say, but if I don’t do this, who knows what might happen to him. I’ve got a week to decide if we wanna go through with it. That’s the least I can do.”      He can hear his friend grunt, frustrated, probably realizing that changing his mind was a long shot to begin with. “Just… be careful, okay?”      “I will, promise,” Dean assures. “Talk to you later.”

     The cowboy hangs up, staring at his phone for a few more seconds before he puts it away and steps out into the sun, heading back to the stables. The admonition continues to ring in his ears, and he allows the caution to imprint the decisions he needs to make in the upcoming days. After all, warned is forearmed.

     Y/N wishes anyone had warned her how painful it is to have her heart broken by the person who made it beat just for him. Maybe she would have been more mindful then, more guarded. Maybe she wouldn’t have let him have it, had she known how careless he would be.

     Around 5 o’clock, her new supervisor said it was okay if she wanted to take her own horse for a ride. Normally she trains Meadow either before or after shift, but she got all the work done at record speed, desperate for a distraction, that all her daily tasks were fulfilled two hours before dinner. Maybe Garth detected that she needed some alone-time with her four-legged friend, because he suggested the ride with a sympathetic smile and a kind nudge, sending her towards the Quarter’s box.

     After straightening out the saddle pad, the cowgirl tightens the cinch. Meadow, who can be a bit of a grumpy mare when it comes to tacking up, stands still without moving a muscle, allowing her owner to ready her for a ride without pulling a prank like she usually does. Sometimes the cheeky horse will try to fish Y/N’s phone from her back pocket, nibble at her hat or her sleeve, or refuse to take a step aside when requested, but not today. Maybe she can sense that such an action could set her human off. 

     The horse accepts the bit when the cowgirl offers it to her, after which she pulls the headpiece over Meadow’s black-tipped ears, securing the straps skillfully. She sniffles, wiping her nose and forcing herself to keep her composure a little while longer. In a few minutes, when she’s away from prying eyes, she will allow to let the tears flow again, but not now, not yet.

     Y/N unties her horse, places her left foot in the stirrup, and swings her right leg over the back of her bay mare, softly landing in the saddle. Picking up the reins, she steers her horse away from the tack up area, the smooth leather between her fingers giving her a sense of control that she’s missing in her love life. 

     Instead of leading Meadow towards the arena, the rider guides her towards the gate that leads to the trail. Her horse had an eventful weekend and gave it her all in competition, so it wouldn’t be fair to put her through a full workout. The performance took a lot out of the willing horse who never seizes to bring her best efforts and more. Even though the freestyle only lasted minutes, the athlete peaked with a brilliant execution of the routine, which takes a lot of skill and strength. Then there’s the ambiance of a show, the new environment, all the sensory overload. The combination of all those factors did a number the Quarter, and she deserves a calm and relaxing ride, much like the young woman she’s carrying on her back. Y/N is in no state to train, well aware that the heightened emotions will get the best of her if something might not work out the way she planned, and that’s not something she wants her companion to bear the consequences of. If anything, Meadow has been absolutely wonderful, seeming to understand that her person is sad and needs someone to lean on.

     After closing the fence behind them, the girl and her horse follow the path that leads towards the hills. Cacti flank the road ahead towards the Superstition Mountains, which stand tall in the backdrop. The beautiful amber colored volcanic rock formations seem even more vibrant now that the setting sun blesses nature with a warm glow. The vegetation is much greener than it was when they searched for the herd of youngsters in the reservoir. Autumn is here, and within a couple of months, the ridges that reach for the sky will be covered in snow. It’s supposed to be a beautiful sight, at least that’s what Dean told her.

     Now that it’s just her and Meadow, Y/N finally allows the suppressed tears to fall. The battle she has been fighting all day is one she knew she would lose eventually, she just wanted to be with her most faithful friend when the levee breaks. She doesn’t even intend to wipe the drops of despair away, knowing that she has to let it out now in order to keep up the facade later. And so the last rays of the day catch the shimmering pathways down her cheeks, similar to how the water cobbled at Willow’s Creek, where she and Dean shared their first kiss. All the memories, those perfect little moments that she thought to cherish forever, they are worth nothing now. It was all just a dream.

     Y/N transits into a slow canter, hoping that the wind in her face will chase the sorrow away. She has to feel something completely opposite to the grief that is ripping her apart. She needs to experience freedom and the bond that comes along with this unique partnership between her and Meadow, the simplicity of moving across the desert like men and their horses have been doing so for centuries. No engines, no computers, no engineering. Just two souls of completely different species merging as one. 

     Resting her free hand on her horse’s neck and gripping the black mane, she pushes her heels into the Quarter’s flanks, aiding her to pick up speed. The bay mare takes over, her rider is no longer in control, but she no longer has to be. Y/N doesn’t need to direct this movie, because she trusts Meadow with her life. If there is any being on the face of the planet that she would follow blindly, it’s her companion. Meadow has never let her down, not once, and her owner knows there will never come a moment when she will. And so she breathes in, welcoming the wind to fill her lungs with newfound courage, brought on by the majestic animal that gallops across the landscape, carrying Y/N on her wings. 

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if   you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog   my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part twenty-six here

[arambleaway]

Okay, so like Ace Attorney recently ate my brain. And I have never played any of the games. This is the true potential of the internet at work people. Anyway.

I keep thinking about my very specific images of Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth, and the relationship therein. This is gonna be a long one because I can't be assed to make it more coherent than the mess it is in my brain.

So. Phoenix is obviously from a very loving and supportive family except they absolutely loathe the law and law professionals. Phoenix is trans and his family is super supportive, allowing him to express himself even from a young age. Unfortunately, Phoenix's new teacher isn't so great. Is actually a bit of a piece of shit and has been isolating Phoenix and so the poor boy has spent the first couple months of being out being harassed by his teacher and classmates. And that is part of why the trial sticks with Phoenix so much. Because Miles stands up to not only the students, but the teacher and all of the vitriol they've been leaking as well. And he doesn't just drop Phoenix after. He still wants him around and as a little kid that shit sticks with Phoenix far longer than it does with Larry and Edgeworth. Also, unfortunately, if you've got one asshole teacher, you've likely got a few nearby, so Phoenix's family does their best to support him and they offer to transfer him and do what they can, but Phoenix as a child is afraid to move and never see Edgeworth or Larry again so he doesn't. And then when he starts writing letters, he finds he can't stop because they become confessionals of a sort and a place where he doesn't have to be on guard and can know that the person he is writing to is accepting of his identity even if he does wonder from time to time if maybe Edgeworth no longer accepts him.

Anyway, then canon, yada yada. Lets talk about Miles now. Miles is depressed, okay. And he writes that note (you know the one) completely literally. But here's the thing: Miles knows the trauma of finding dead bodies. Has probably seen the mess they leave, and doesn't want to cause more harm than he already has. So he writes the note and packs the pills/blade/etc into a suitcase and takes a flight to Europe where no one that knows him will have a chance to stumble upon him. The turnabout is this: on the plane over he gets into an argument with his seat buddy. Its no one important, but the key info on him is that he is in therapy and sort of off hand brings it up and Miles, who was not raised with a pleasant idea of therapists and such starts an unholy row with him, blatantly projecting his own insecurities and perceived weaknesses on this poor man. The flight attendants have to separate the two and the man spends the rest of the time in first class. Miles spends the rest of the flight getting dirty looks from everyone else. By the flight's end he is frothing at the mouth and the man's assertion that therapy is not something for the faint of heart has been burrowing under his skin. He gets off the plane and rather than immediately commit he thinks he might as well make the source clear and winds up at the empty von Karma estate. He spends the night with a blade on his wrist and voices in his ears. But he doesn't move.

He falls asleep and he wakes from a nightmare he can't recall and it is noon the next day. He doesn't eat, he doesn't move. He just lays there and thinks. He thinks about Phoenix, Franziska, His Father, von Karma, all the lives he's sent to prison after measuring them against a false scale, and he thinks of the man on the plane. He thinks of the things he said, the ring he noticed on his finger, and the husband that was brought up at some point in their altercation. He thinks a lot about what it means to be and Edgeworth and what it means to be a von Karma. He picks up the blade and he puts it in his suitcase. He starts to research Therapists. Because he is going to have the best therapist in the business if he is going to do this. (He just kinda goes for the one with the most academic accolades that is willing to do home visits or move of some shit, anyway) Miles Edgeworth starts therapy and it goes horribly. Miles hates it viscerally and he doesn't feel like his therapist understands. (Which they don't. They keep trying to convince Edgeworth to see and actual trauma specialist and find someone that he clicks with rather than coming back to them). His therapist is worth their name though, and Miles is actually hospitalized due to being a danger to himself. For all that he loathes this, it does eventually allow him to meet with an actual trauma specializing therapist and finally maybe understand what the big deal is. He still hates it, but he finds the therapist that actually suits him and things get a little better.

The first thing is he stops living in the von Karma estate. He admits its a bad place for him to be at the moment and so he moves closer to his therapist and gets a rental flat. Second he gets a new wardrobe. He's been using his stuff left at the von Karma home and all of it is his flashy very "von Karma" wear. So he goes and gets new suits tailored in his preferred style and he pays for them and wears them because he realizes he likes them and not because he is trying to emulate his Mentor. This step is especially a big deal because it is the first moment where he is able to really define who "Miles Edgeworth" is outside of the confines of the courtroom. In all this, of course, he is also figuring out who he is within the courtroom as well. After committing to his therapist and recovery, he goes back into Law in Germany and really tries to define why he still wants to be there. I like to think he spends some time in small courts as a defense attorney assistant while trying to redefine his place. Anyway, eventually Miles decides he wants to remove his old stuff from the von Karma estate. He might move in his new stuff but for now it is merely removing the old, giving him the space and option of a new start. In clearing his stuff he winds up in the storage space on the household and there he finds an old suitcase.

The suitcase is Miles's from when he first came to the household. Von Karma had told the staff to pitch it when they first arrived and apparently whoever was on duty that day was kind enough to save it for later. Miles has a bit of a breakdown on seeing it and has a rather sharp set back in his improvement. He finds himself staring at the knife again. Because he never put it away. He still doesn't. But he doesn't touch it, just looks. Miles fights his way back out of the hole and in doing so removes all of his things from the estate except that little suitcase. Its the last thing and he opens it to slowly deal with the contents. Most of it is children's clothes, some expired toiletries, but buried in the deepest part of the case, wrapped lovingly in an old bowtie is his Father's defense attorney badge. Miles doesn't have a breakdown this time (yay!) but he does spend the next week unable to sleep for the sheer intensity of his nightmares. He carries on though. He slowly and surely patches together who exactly Miles Edgeworth is and what he wants to stand for. And that little gold badge stays folded in the bow tie and tucked in the deepest corner of his latest suitcase. He throws out the knife.

Once again back to canon, he returns doesn't tell anyone shit, and slowly relearns Phoenix Wright and what that man means to him. Hazakura temple, all the gay vibes, until the disbarment era. Lets stop by Phoenix again, shall we?

Phoenix is disbarred and for the first so many years he is genuinely friends with Kristoph Gavin. None of this "oh i always suspected shit", he believes in Kristoph, because that's who Phoenix is. At this point Edgeworth is still in Europe and a large part of that is so that he can continue with his therapy. But he does drop everything to talk to Phoenix once he hears the news. He immediately knows that something is up because Phoenix would never and he believes in him more than anyone else and he is offering to do everything in his power to make this better because Phoenix is worth it and Miles love-- woah. that's a new emotion. what the fuck is up with that. So anyway Miles realizes that he has some less than platonic feelings and he wants to run back to Europe and his therapist and figure out what it all means, but above all Wright is his Friend dammit and he owes him so much. But on Phoenix's side, he sees how far Edgeworth is offering to go and he turns down all of the things that would cause Miles's life to be disrupted. He does accept the knowledge and shoulder to lean on that Edgeworth offers, but Edgeworth doesn't need to move continents or anything. Besides he has Kristoph here to help. And Miles kind of hates all of this situation, but he knows that he truly doesn't have the kind of knowledge and pull to really be of service not to mention his new discovery is not doing his health any favors. So he goes back to Germany and Phoenix stays with Kristoph.

Now Miles is in Germany figuring out how to manage complex emotions and romantic relationships, while Phoenix is working with Kristoph, who becomes Kris, who could maybe be more except Phoenix isn't sure it would be fair to him since he has become more than a little hung up on Edgeworth since he came back from Europe. And because when Edgeworth asks him to Europe he jumps with no forethought. He gets Kris to watch Trucy and jets off to spend time with Miles. They do their amazing duo routine and Edgeworth comes away from the encounter knowing that yes, he very much would like a romantic relationship with Phoenix. Okay. Now how to go about it. Meanwhile Phoenix gets back and sees Trucy and this is when he realizes that Kristoph is dirty. Trucy tells him about something she saw while she stayed with him and something clicks and Phoenix has a mild breakdown because of how much danger he just realizes she might be in. He calls Miles at some point during this and Miles talks him down. He falls asleep and in the morning he doesn't shave. He smiles and gets Trucy to school, then sits in the office and tries to figure out where he goes from here. That afternoon there is knock at the door.

Miles Edgeworth does nothing half way and has flown to Phoenix just to be able to help him figure out the next steps and comfort him. Phoenix is officially gone for this man. The two talk and scheme and eventually hatch their mad plan to rebuild the entire fucking system. Miles will use his distance to research and provide information, Phoenix will keep an eye on Kristoph and start building what he can here. In all of this Trucy's safety comes up. Phoenix actually considers sending her with Miles. Miles puts that idea to a stop real quick, though he does mention doing more visits and such. Trucy is very happy to hear about this and demands to go every time. Phoenix says something along the lines of it being more expensive for two people to fly and joking that it would be cheaper if they just let him keep her in his suitcase. This is how Miles Edgeworth returns to Germany with a solid plan for the future and one Magician more than planned. Trucy obviously sneaks into his luggage and somehow makes it with him to Germany. In doing so she finds the badge in his bag, and despite the intense scolding she gets, the two are finally able to really connect and bond as Miles opens up to her a bit about his Father and what he has gone through.

Eventually Trucy gets back where she belongs and despite a few more hijinks over the years things progress via canon. Edgeworth and Phoenix have both accepted their feelings but have yet to act on them as neither is in a position to properly be with the other as they wish. So they flirt and argue and love each other intensely as only the best of friends and trauma buddies can. It all pays off and Kristoph is arrested. Phoenix is innocent, but he is unsure about going back into law. In this case, Kris was kinda the last proof of where blind belief will get you and it isn't just a façade, Phoenix is a lot bitter at the larger world and himself. So he isn't in the greatest place mentally, and Edgeworth sees it. And for the first time he thinks about reaching out to someone. Especially because this is Phoenix not just a random stranger on a plane. Then he finds he has the option to take the Chief Prosecutor position, and he finds himself staring at his Father's badge. He thinks on the years and his growth, and he talks with his therapist. And he decides to move. He takes the new position and seeing Phoenix struggle so close he finally shares about therapy. Not all of it. Nothing really just that he goes and has since the year-they-do-not-speak-of and that he is looking for a new one in the city and maybe Phoenix would like to help him. Because he values Phoenix and his opinions. Phoenix does eventually wind up in a therapists office and it is a mess, but it helps.

The two reconnect more strongly than ever and shortly thereafter Phoenix agrees to take the Bar again. Miles supports him in this and watches as he struggles and groans but makes it through. And at the same time he watches him heal a bit from the atrocities of the past 7 years. When Phoenix passes he is over-joyed and that night finds him holding his Father's badge and slowly thinking. Turning the idea over and over he can't bring himself to ignore it. He walks up to Phoenix in the office the next day and with all the drama of a marriage proposal give Phoenix his Father's badge. Apollo starts to realize exactly what sort of shit he signed up for. Especially when Miles turns up a couple weeks later and attempts to strangle Phoenix with his own tie and demands having the badge back because What The Fuck. An Orca. You Absolute Dumbass.

This is the point where my ideas dry up. Because where I leave them is pining idiots that are actually doing pretty ok. I figure they eventually get their shit together, but only after inflicting immense suffering on their co-workers and the legal system as a whole with their obvious pining and flirting. I barely know Apollo but watching him suffer is just more amusing than it should be. Also Miles is Autistic and it actually is part of what allows him to bond with Trucy.

[murdershegoat]

(inspired by this // on ao3 // ko-fi)

she’s had the voice in her head for as long as she can remember

well, it’s not exactly a voice, more just like a really strong, disembodied feelings that echoes loudly in her head and body. like, it’s not her gut feelings, it’s an outside force and it’s loud and sometimes scary.

so whatever she calls it a voice when she’s explaining it to others.

this voice, it guides her decision making. it’s not an exact science (yet) but if she thinks in her head ‘i’m gonna go get ice-cream’ the voice will either say WARMER or it’ll say COLDER

well, it won’t say it because it’s not a voice. it’s more like this disembodied feeling feels like it’s saying WARMER or COLDER and she’ll physically feel it as well.

if she’s supposed to get ice cream, she’ll feel a sudden warmth

if she’s not supposed to get ice cream, she’ll feel a sudden chill

she doesn’t know why the voice makes the decisions it does, but she has to assume that it’s leading her towards something, towards success or whatever

at the very least, she has to believe that it’s trying to keep her alive. it’s a survival thing. whatever it is, it’s kept her alive for 26 years and counting.

and though it keeps her alive, it doesn’t always save her from pain. the voice tells her kissing veronica sinclair in the horse stables is a warm idea and veronica ended up breaking her heart and humiliated her in front of the whole school.

when she was four, the voice told her to trust lillian. and that’s led to a whole life of pain.

anyway. the voice. 

andrea is the first person she tells about it.

they’re hiking in the amazon during spring break. and, as happens sometimes in life, they come to a diverging path and have to choose. left or right. andrea looks at the compass. ‘it’s not working,’ she says. ‘how fucking convenient,’ lena replies. she sighs and steps to the left path.

‘we’re going left,’ she says emphatically as she feels a familiar warmth roll through her. ‘why?’ andrea asks. ‘i just have a feeling.’

only andrea isn’t swayed by ‘just a feeling.’ she demands more and she refuses to go left until lena finally breaks down and explains the voice

(not a voice.)

‘well what happens if we don’t listen to it??’ andrea asks after a barrage of questions, her analytical mind whirring a mile a minute. lena shrugs, ‘i dunno. i’ve never taken the risk of not listening.’

they go left.

they survive the amazon. the voice is always right.

‘you know,’ andrea says, her head resting against the plane window. ‘my nanny used to tell me stories.’ ‘isn’t that what all nannies do?’ ‘she would tell me stories about people having unexplainable powers or whatever, i don’t remember the details… but i remember her saying that the powers always lead people to the thing they need the most. and it could take months or it could take years but it’s a part of your soul, like, intrinsically in you.’

andrea’s xanax kicks in soon after that and she sleeps for the rest of the plane ride home

lena stays awake the whole flight, wondering what these choices are and what this voice is leading her towards.

the voice leads her through the end of high school and it leads her to MIT (fun fact: she’s never felt a firmer COLDER than she had when she held harvard’s acceptance letter in her hand.)

it really helps her in college. sure, she still makes a lot of what she deems voice-sanctioned mistakes (sleeping with veronica sinclair is at the top of that list) but her grades are stellar and she’s on track for getting her second masters and she has a load of friends.

and then her brother goes insane and tries to kill superman. the sky is red and lena stands in lex’s office overlooking downtown metropolis. ‘join me lena,’ he says. ‘help me and we’ll be unstoppable. we’ve always been a strong family  but believe me, we’ll run this country together one day, i promise you that. all i need you to do is trust me.’ he holds out his hand

for a second, she considers doing it. she doesn’t want to lose her family. i am going to trust my brother. 

the voice says COLDER.

lena listens to the voice. she always listens to the voice.

it’s the first time the voice has made her lose something - someone - as important as lex. it’s the first time she thinks that maybe this voice thing doesn’t know what it’s doing because it’s never hurt her like this before. 

the fallout from lex’s breakdown feels cataclysmic. her friends stop speaking to her, her professors stop calling on her in class. she can’t even work at the library without being harassed.

and to top it all off, she becomes the youngest female ceo of a fortune 500 company. which means board meetings and strategy sessions all while writing a thesis. 

but meeting jack spheer feels like finding a life raft in the middle of a ferocious ocean, keeping her afloat, letting her catch her breath. he’s cute and he’s funny and well-to-do, and he’s the type of person lena knows she should date and possibly marry.

jack is the second person lena tells about the voice. she’s scared because she isn’t sure he’ll believe her, that he’ll drop her like the rest of her friends have.

but jack, bless his heart, just asks a hundred questions. ‘so even things like which sodas to drink?’ ‘the voice doesn’t let me drink soda.’ ‘whoa.’

jack is the first person who’s not veronica sinclair lena tells her other big secret to. they’ve been out drinking and eventually they stumble back to jack’s place and she feels brazen enough to blurt it out while he makes her a grilled cheese sandwich. she doesn’t even have time to wait for the voice’s opinion; the truth just falls out of her, unable to stay contained any longer.

‘i’m gay,’ lena says. ‘and i understand if you don’t agree with that lifestyle, but i’m still the same person i’ve always been and i would like to remain friends with you.’

‘a person with terrible gaydar apparently,’ jack replies. ‘as the kids say, it takes one to know one. i would’ve told you sooner but… i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner.’ she surges forward and throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly. neither of them lets go.

the grilled cheese burns.

‘should we just get chinese instead?’

the voice says WARMER.

she’s scared of starting over in national city, but the voice in her head seems to think it’s a WARMER sort of idea.

so she packs her bags and jack says goodbye to her at the airport and before she knows it, she’s looking down at NC from her pristine white office. the CVs of two assistants she’s interviewed. ‘i’m going to hire jess chin-salva as my PA,’ she murmurs to herself. ‘WARMER,’ says the voice.

when jess tells her two reporters are at the door, the strapping frame of clark kent isn’t whom she is expecting. she also isn’t expecting kara danvers to follow close behind, kara danvers whose smile is much too bright and friendly to work for a hardened journalist, whose blue eyes twinkle with a kindness lena has seldom been gifted by others, whose biceps are clearly visible through the cardigan she wears.

lena doesn’t have a choice to make, and yet for some reason it screams at her. WARMER. WARMER. 

and then it says something new.

WARMEST

the feeling won’t leave lena’s body, and she struggles to focus on the interaction with the journalists, but she thinks she’s managed to tell them the truth. she’s just trying to rebuild her family’s business. she just wants to do good things and make the world a better place. but it’s hard to focus on any of that when her mind and her body feel like they’re on fire.

it only dies down when kara leaves the room, and lena’s pretty sure that there’s something special about that woman.

except maybe there’s just something about the blue eyed women of national city. because later that day lena’s helicopter is shot down and she finds herself being carried to safety by supergirl and the voice goes batshit crazy again.

‘focus on the fact you’re about to die,’ lena tries to tell it, but it doesn’t listen to her. so instead, she doesn’t look away from supergirl’s steady, reassuring gaze until she flies away. and she wonders why supergirl is a ‘WARMEST’.

‘i heard you almost died,’ jack says when he calls her that night. ‘who cares about that?’ she responds, ‘the weirdest thing happened with the voice.’ she tells him of feeling ‘warmest’, of feeling it twice in one day with two different people, of how it refused to go away and occurred without any decisions to make.

‘ok i’m about to share a document with you,’ he says, and lena can hear him typing on his laptop. ‘there, open it.’

it’s a spreadsheet. holy shit.

‘this is every big decision you’ve ever made,’ jack says. ‘there are also some medium sized decisions thrown in, but mostly just the big ones.’ ‘how the hell do you know all this?’ she asks, shocked. ‘why else do you think i’ve been asking you about all this for so long?’ he replies. ‘every time you tell me something the voice says, it’s gone into this spreadsheet. now, i only have limited knowledge of decisions you made before you met me, but i’ve been able to put in a lot of them based on your stories alone. i thought, what better way for you to try and understand this than to put it into words you understand best?’

‘you’re phenomenal,’ lena tells him. ‘i just… i never thought of this. i just assumed it was all some unknowable hippy dippy nonsense.’

‘i mean, it could definitely still be hippy dippy nonsense. but still take a look at it, see if there are any patterns or anything.’

‘i love you, jack.’ ‘too bad i’m gay, huh’

lena sees a lot more of kara and supergirl, though never at the same time. kombucha dates with kara and supergirl swooping in to save her life every now and again. the voice isn’t as overwhelming in their follow up visits, though a pleasant hum of warmth resides low in her being whenever either of them are around. 

maybe, lena thinks, it’s not the voice at all. maybe, she thinks, it’s about time she starts dating again. 

but none of the women she sees bring the same warmth that kara and supergirl do.

the decision data that jack put together doesn’t seem to make much sense either. but she continues to add to it, bit by bit.

and then something weird happens. 

‘you’re getting more potstickers?’ lena laughs. ‘don’t you have any self control?’

‘i’m only human, lena.’

‘i suppose i should believe you.’

COLDER.

COLDER? she’d never gotten a COLDER near kara before. and why? she shouldn’t believe that kara’s human? of course kara’s human! she’s just an awkward, sweet, kind girl from midvale. it’s not like she’s supergirl, for crying out loud!

holy shit

what the fuck

kara’s supergirl?????

kara’s supergirl. it totally makes sense. why hadn’t she seen it before??????? had she been willfully blind to it?

she made a fool out of me, lena thinks. i should hate her. but the voice says COLDER. huh. so hating kara is off the table.

 maybe, she thinks, maybe i knew and i didn’t want to admit it to myself. because clearly kara doesn’t want me to know. and i don’t want to push her into telling me because i don’t want to lose her. i can’t lose her. because i lo---

‘i’m so fucked,’ she tells jack over the phone later that night. ‘kara is supergirl and she doesn’t know that i know and i--’ ‘what is it?’ ‘i think i’m in love with her.’ ‘oh my god FINALLY,’ he yells into the phone. ‘i havent even met kara and i knew you were in love with her. you know she’s all you talk about right? like, you run one of the biggest companies in america and you have a disembodied voice that lives in your head and a million other things going on in your life, and the only thing i’ve heard you talk about for months now is kara danvers.’

‘you did not know’

‘i really did. but im glad you know as well because i can finally present you with my biggest theory on The Voice.’

‘not a voice’

‘remind me what it was that andrea’s aunt or nanny or whoever thought it could be?’

‘that was a million years ago,’ lena says; she hasn’t thought about andrea in ages. she should give her a call. ‘i think it was something about… these types of abilities lead a person to thing they need most in the world.’

‘right. i’ve been doing a lot of new age reading and it hasn’t been pleasant at all and i sort of hated every moment of it, but i think i have some idea of what this could be. it’d explain everything.’

‘well then, what is it?’

‘i don’t think it’s the thing you need most in the world,’ jack says. ‘i think it’s the person you need most in this world.’

‘you mean like-’

‘a soulmate. think about it. somehow every decision that voice has gotten you to make has led you to standing in your office in national city where you met kara for the first time. and what did the voice say when you met kara, completely unprompted?’

‘warmest,’ lena whispers. 

‘exactly. warmest. as in, as warm as can be. because the whole time, the thing this voice has been leading you towards is kara danvers.’

lena’s plan for handling all of these revelations is drinking herself into a stupor. and it’s truly wonderful for the most part.

that is, until she wakes up with a headache and someone pounding their fist on her front door.

‘wHAT,’ she yells as she throws open the door.

‘do you want to explain the voicemails you left me last night?’

oh shit. lena’s hungover brain processes that it’s in fact kara standing at the door. she ushers kara in and shuts the door behind them.

‘to be honest with you,’ lena says as she puts on a pot of coffee, ‘i think i’m still a bit drunk and i definitely dont remember what those messages said.’

you said you know i’m supergirl. you said you’re not angry at me for lying to you--’

‘oh that’s not so bad’

‘-- and you said you have proof we’re soulmates.’

fuck.

‘do you want to explain yourself?’

‘can i drink my coffee first?’

… kara watches her drink her coffee.

‘okay,’ lena says. i’ll explain but you can’t ask any questions til the end. deal?’ kara nods.

the third person lena tells about the voice is kara danvers.

‘my whole life i’ve had this… this sort of voice in my head. and when i have a decision to make in front of me, it says WARMER or it says COLDER. it’s how i’ve made every choice since i was four years old, from the clothes i picked to the type of coffee i drink to the college i went to.’

‘like intuition.’

‘not intuition. fuck. i shouldnt tell you any of this.’

COLDER.

‘well. guess i should tell you about this.’

WARMER

‘it’s not intuition. it’s not a gut feeling. it’s not a part of me. it’s something bigger and otherworldly and it’s been leading me my whole life to something… i can only assume something much bigger and more important than i am. except i also think that the thing it’s been leading me to is you. and you don’t have to believe me at all, and god, you don’t have to believe in soulmates but… but far out, kara. i’m in love with you. i’m so in love with you it’s insane. and if you don’t feel the same way, i understand, but please don’t shut me out. i can live without you being in love with me, but i don’t think i can live without you in my life anymore.’

they stand in silence, lena’s plea still hanging in the air between them.

‘on krypton,’ kara says softly. ‘there’s only one way to know if somebody’s your soulmate or not.’

‘how do they do it?’ lena asks, imagining a blood test or a swab or something.

instead kara takes a step closer to her and she puts her hands on lena’s hips and she presses their foreheads together and she says ‘do you feel it?’

‘what--’

but she feels it. a sort of calm washing over them both. the air stills and lena swears she can hear kara’s heart beating and she feels serenity like she’s never felt it before.

‘wow,’ kara says, and before she can stop herself, lena kisses her softly, barely. but it’s still a kiss.

and she can’t really describe it, but she feels the voice leave her. 

‘i want to kiss you again,’ lena says. but there’s no voice that says warmer or colder. all there is is kara danvers, nodding her head and saying ‘then kiss me.’

lena has many thoughts about soulmates. she thinks if the universe gives you some sort of magical powers, it should also give you an instruction manual for them. she thinks her soulmate is the most perfect soulmate that’s ever been created ever. but this is the real kicker: lena knows that the voice may have led her to kara, but she’s the one who has to make sure she stays there. they have to put in the work together. love isn’t just a magical feeling, it’s building trust and learning to be selfless and letting someone into your life in a multitude of intimate ways. and now that kara’s in her life, in all of her wonderful glory, there’s no way lena will ever let her go.

[your-eternal-muse]

I Watch Your Eyes

Heather Series Part Three

Part One  Part Two

Summery: Reader isn’t one for parties. What happens at one solidifies that for her.

Words: 1.7k (they’re getting longer folks, just you wait)

Warnings: Drinking, mentions of vomiting, description of breakdown, swearing, ANGST

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader, Platonic!JJ x Platonic!Reader

A/N: Y’all......it hurt to write this. I broke my own damn heart, which hopefully means it’s good. Also, Heather needs a last name and I just can’t bring it in me to think of one. Suggestions? Anyway, Tag List is open! Enjoy this painful chapter!

I’ve never been one for parties.

Small get-togethers at Rossi’s with the team, that’s different.

That’s family.

But wearing a cocktail dress and being around people I didn’t even know worked in the department? Sucks ass.

So, why am I here again?

Oh yeah.

I have to be here. Hotch’s orders.

I have to smile and exchange pleasantries and sip more champagne than I’d like to admit to.

But mostly, because Spencer asked me to be,

“Please? I just really want you there. I’m planning something, and I’d really like my best friend there.”

I have no backbone.

 I caved as soon as he said please.

I don’t know what he’s planning. I don’t even know what he's thinking half the time.

I used to know him like the back of my hand.

No, I don’t think I even know myself.

But here I stand, around a table, sipping on champagne, not really listening to the conversation the girls are having around me, wishing I was anywhere else but in this banquet hall, watching him twirl her around in her pretty pink dress.

“Y/nnnn…” A sing-song voice hits my ears and a hand waves in front of my face.

I blink, coming back to the present. “Yeah? What were we talking about?”

JJ laughs. “Where are you tonight? You’ve been staring off into space for the past 15 minutes.”

I scoff, shifting my weight on my feet. 

Stupid, fucking heels.

“No, I haven’t. I’ve just been….admiring Heather's dress.”

All their eyes turn to look, and they hum in agreement.

A beautiful rose gown adorns her body, flaring at the waist, flowing around her as she spins.

I’m sure Spencer is the one who bought it for her.

She was the center of attention tonight, though I’m sure she’s used to it at this point in her life.

“She’s gorgeous.” Emily says, swaying her head slightly to the music.

I’m sure she’s fully aware of that, Emily.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy.” Penelope smiles, gazing happily at them. 

JJ glances at me, a soft look in her eyes.

I can’t help but agree.

He’s glowing.

His eyes are brighter than I’ve ever seen them.

I don’t think he’s stopped smiling since he met her.

You’d never make him that happy.

I down the rest of my champagne.

“Well, watching them dance makes me want to, so I’m off to search for my knight in shining armour. I’ll see you all later, my loves.” Penelope blows a kiss, before she leaves in search of Derek, and I watch as the song ends, and they exchange a kiss before Heather walks back over to her table, and he makes his way towards us.

“I didn’t take you as someone who danced, Spence.” Emily questions, taking a drink from her own glass.

He laughs, adjusting his tie and running a hand through his hair. “She convinced me.” He wipes his palms on his pants.

“You okay there Spencer? You seem nervous.” JJ speaks with a chuckle in her voice. 

If only I could be so light hearted.

“I will be.” He turns, smiling at me. “Thanks for coming tonight. It means a lot to me that you’re here.”

I reach up and straighten his tie, smoothing down his jacket, smiling up at him genuinely for the first time in what feels like years.

Huh.

I guess it has been a little over a year since I met Heather.

“Anything for you Spence.”

“I missed that smile.”

You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?

I can’t help the blush that spreads across my cheeks. I don’t know how to respond to that, so I simply don’t say anything. 

He doesn’t seem to notice.

He takes a deep breath. “Wish me luck.”

I roll my eyes, and chuckle. “Good luck with whatever it is you’re planning.”

“It’s a surprise. For everyone.”

I see him swallow and take a final deep breath before he walks away, back towards his table where Heather stands, charming the people around her.

The wheels begin to turn in my head.

“What do you think he’s on about?” Emily asks, laughter lacing her words.

I watch as he stands next to her, grabbing her hands to hold them within his own.

“Who knows what goes on inside his head nowadays.” 

I can feel JJ staring at me, but I can’t take my eyes off the scene playing out in front of me.

They exchange a few words, and then he’s on his knee,holding out something for her.

Her hands cover her mouth.

No...

“Oh my god.” 

Emily and JJ follow my line of sight and I can hear happy gasps as Heather exclaims “Yes! Yes I will marry you!” for the world to hear.

The hall erupts into cheers and applause and I. Can’t. Breath.

“Y/n? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.” JJ’s voice is soft, and motherly.

I wish someone would scream at me.

“I’m fine. Just too much champagne. I’ll be right back, promise.”

The words don’t even register before I’m walking away from the happy moment.

Their happy moment.

I barely make it out of the hall before I burst into tears, a hand clasps over my mouth to keep the sobs and bile back.

I run down the hallway, slamming into the bathroom, rushing into a stall where I promptly empty my stomach of tonight.

This is it. There’s no chance anymore You missed it. And now you have to live with the fact that he will never love you like her loves her. It’s your fault you feel this way, and no one else's. Your fault.

I reach up and flush, falling to sit on the floor and lean against the wall of the stall.

I hold my arm over my mouth, trying to swallow down the sobs that threaten to echo throughout the building.

The door opens, and heels click to stand in front of my stall.

“Y/N?”

It’s JJ.

Her voice is laced with concern.

I try to take a deep, quiet breath, but it comes out shuddery.

Fake it ‘till you make it, right?

“I’ll be right out, JJ, just needed a minute. Go join the celebration.” My voice cracks at the end and I want to hit myself.

She’s quiet for a moment.

“I know, y/n. Please open the door.”

God fucking damnit.

I sniffle, reaching up to slide the latch over, before pushing it open.

She sits down next to me, and without asking, pulls me into her arms.

I let go.

I curl myself into her, and sob.

Sob for the what if’s and could have beens, for the future I saw between us, for the chances I should have taken but didn’t, for the fact that Spencer Reid deserves someone so much better for a best friend.

She rubs my back and holds me close until the sobs have subsided.

“How did you know?” My words are wet.

“It’s the way you look at him. Like he’s your entire world. Like you would do anything for him.” She brushes some hair out of my eyes, and swipes away some of the tears that are still falling down my face.

“It’s the way he used to look at me.” 

Her smile is sad, and her eyes are distant.

“Does anyone else know?” That’s the last thing I need. For everyone to figure out my secret, to look at me like I’m a child who’s upset they can’t get what they wanted.

She shakes her head.

“No, not that I know of.”

Good to know my acting skills are solid.

I nod, standing up and walking over to the sink.

My eyes are red and puffy. Streaks are run through my foundation, and mascara coats my cheeks.

There’s no salvaging this.

JJ sets her purse down on the counter, digging through it until she pulls out a small pack of makeup wipes.

“I always end up taking off my makeup before I leave these things anyway.”

She hands one to me, and the small smile on my face isn’t forced.

“Thank you.”

She smiles back, and we both turn to the mirror, wiping off the evenings makeup and any signs of breakdown.

My eyes are still puffy, but I can blame that on getting sick.

She hands me a container of mints, and I open it, popping one into my mouth before closing it, and returning it to her.

The air is quiet between us.

“I was planning on telling him. The day I met her, I was going to tell him.”

I bite my lip to hold back more tears.

“I love him, JJ. I love him so much, and he’s never gonna love me the same way. How do I go on, living my life like it never happened?”

I’m cold. 

My chest feels hollow and heavy at the same time.

“I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.” She grabs my hand, holding it between hers. “But I do know that you’re not alone anymore. You don’t have to bare the weight of it alone anymore.”

I nod, pulling her in for a hug, my arms around her waist, my face in her neck.

A home hug.

“Thank you, Jennifer.”

I feel her breath hitch.

She kisses the side of my head. “You’re welcome, y/n.”

We break, and I wipe away a few straggling tears before standing straight, and shoving a smile on my face.

She walks out first, and I follow, trying to look as okay as you can after having a breakdown on a bathroom floor.

We make our way back to our table, and I see JJ shoot a glance at Emily that tells her not to ask questions.

Spencer and Heather are standing in the middle of the hall, glasses of champagne in hand.

He has an arm wrapped around her waist, and he keeps glancing down at her. 

For a moment, his eyes scan the crowd, and when they land on mine, his smile grows.

He raises his glass, and I raise my empty one.

He laughs.

My hands shake as I set my glass down and he goes back to the conversation around him.

Another glance down at her, a kiss placed on her temple.

I down the rest of JJ’s drink when she’s not looking.

God, I fucking hate parties.

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