#my drawings traveling between platforms as the world slowly burns
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One time I wondered "what if Tahu was blue" so I found out Because I enjoy reblogging silly pictures so much, I've decided to continue posting my drawings on https://enigma-actual-art.tumblr.com/ so if you enjoy this, please have a look! -April 2021
#bonkle#bonkles#bionicle#tahu#toa tahu#my art#doodle#my drawings traveling between platforms as the world slowly burns#old art#small artist#my artwork#beginner artist#original#original art#art#sketch#digital art#illustration#artists on tumblr#enigmart
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A Home For the Heart
Title: A Home For the Heart
Pairing: Hal Carter x reader
Rating: General audiences
For @the-ss-horniest-book-club Drunk Drabbles picture prompt special. My image prompt (seen here below) was sent in by @marvelgirl7, and it... got away from me. I still hope you like it!
He almost scares the living daylights out of her. The small train station is all but empty, and she’s pacing the platform, rubbing her arms to stave of the chill drawing in. September slowly bled away until suddenly she seemed to wake up in October. Leaves have already started falling from the trees and it will get colder. There was a plan, she was going to go places, there was going to be an adventure. Now she’s here, halfway to the middle of nowhere, no money for train fare, and yet she can’t make herself move away from the platform.
A cargo train pulls in, the brakes jarring and making her cringe. Maybe that’d be something. Train hopping like a drifter, going from place to place. Living the great American roadtrip on the rails, experience the world as she never would have before.
She’s lost in some romanticized dream of what it might be like when a gentle hand shakes her shoulder. The squeak she lets out might possibly be described as more of a shriek, but she claps a hand over her mouth, the dream lost in favour of a worst case scenario where she won’t ever leave town, let alone this platform.
“Sorry if I scared ya, miss.”
There is a man standing next to her, rugged and a little travel worn, with bright blue eyes regarding her under a long fringe that is just shy of being able to be swept behind his ears. There’s a rip in his shirt, a duffel slung over his shoulder that looks like it’s staying together by hope alone, scuffed boots on his feet.
“I tried calling out for ya, you look a little lost,” he offers, removing his hand and taking a step back. “I’m Hal Carter, miss.”
“I’m...” She fumbles for words. Does she offer her name? “I’m... lost.”
Hal smiles, shoves his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans, “Well, I know this place pretty well, so if you need directions, I can probably help.”
It prompts a story. Because directions, yes, she could use them, but they would all lead to places with things she can’t afford because her last bit of cash was stolen, and food and shelter generally require funds. Hal nods, and though her cheeks heat with the shame of having to admit she has no money, no plan, no idea what to do, he doesn’t berate her, doesn’t dismiss her.
“C’mon,” he says, motioning with his hand for her to follow.
He is a stranger. He could be dangerous. But there is an ease to his expression, a flash of something like kinship in his eyes. She can at least walk a bit with him. Walking will keep her warm. She’ll need it.
“It’s tough being out on the road alone,” he tells her as they leave the station behind. “Been doing it myself most of the past season. Hopped on a train, rode until I got somewhere, worked for anyone who needed a hand, moved on when I wanted. Frightens me every damn time to get off that train.”
They exchange stories. A carnival down in New Orleans. Farms dotted all over the Midwest. The forests of the Olympic Peninsula. Trains and car rides and travels that have neither a beginning nor an ending. She doesn’t even notice they’ve strayed from the road leading into town, instead walking along a smaller dirt road. She’s about to ask where they��re headed, fear simmering in the pit of her stomach when she looks ahead where the road bends into a gentle downhill curve. It opens up to a landscape she could only have dreamt about. A worn wooden rail lines the road with string lights wrapped around them, pumpkins and lit lanterns dotting the way down to a red farmhouse nestled in a little clearing before a sprawling forest that burns with red and yellows and browns.
“W-Who lives here? Is it another job for you?” she asks, mouth agape as she takes in the sight, the warmth radiating from the picturesque setting.
Hal only smiles, keeps trudging down the road. She can do nothing but follow, looking up only when she hears a door open and spots a woman stepping out onto the porch, arms crossed over her chest.
“And what time do you call this?” the woman calls out to Hal, mirth and playful irritation mixing in the lilt of her accent.
“What can I say, trains don’t always run on time. Told you I’d be home on the 11th, though, didn’t I?” Hal replies, hurrying up to the woman and pressing a kiss to her cheek.
With a “hmph”, the woman turns her gaze from Hal. “And who do we have here?”
She wants to shrink away from the attention, but Hal come back down to join her, wraps an arm around her, “Ma, this is our guest. She’ll be staying for a bit til she can get back on her feet.”
Ma? She tries hard not to let her eyes bulge. Ma doesn’t seem to even bat an eyelash, only tells them both to get on inside and out of the cold. It’s a bit of a blur from there on out; she’s shown to a room, offered some warmer clothes and a chance to wash off the dirt of the road, and when Hal knocks on her door to suggest something warm to drink, she already feels like she’s been here for weeks.
“You live here?” she asks later. They’re back on the porch, each wrapped in a blanket with a mug of hot apple cider cupped between their hands. “She’s your... She’s-”
“Oh, no, she’s not my ma. Not my real one. I’ve known her since I was a kid, my own mother wasn’t- I just kept calling her Ma so often that it stuck,” Hal explains, looking down at his mug. “She takes care of the place while I’m away. ‘S been hard keeping this place going, but I couldn’t bear getting rid of it. So for the summers, I roam around. I see the country, work like a dog, while Ma takes care of the place. Sharp as a tack that one. She keeps hoping one day I’ll stop. Says it’s no good for the soul to be as uprooted as mine. Keep telling her I gotta find something to make me stay first.”
She looks around, from the illuminated path to the barns and golden fields that lie like muted gold in the fading light. “I don’t think I could ever leave,” she confesses, taking another sip of the cider, eyes fluttering close at combination of rich spices and tangy apples.
“You’re free to stay as long as you’d like, ‘s long as you don’t mind lending a hand.”
“Of course.”
She thinks maybe it’ll be a few days. A few weeks. Maybe a month or two, tops. But like September vanished seemingly unnoticed, so does time. She helps out during the days, sometimes with Ma, sometimes with Hal. Some days, she wanders around, goes into town, but never once does she feel the call of the trains passing through. There are dinners and lunches and stolen glances and lingering touches. There are pumpking pies and first snow and a warm hand in hers around a table laden with food. There’s Hal and talks on the porch and snowball fights that end in both of them soaked to the bone and Ma shaking her head like they’re teenagers and whispering things to him that make him blush. There’s a new year, coldsnaps and a sprained ankle, and one February night there is a kiss so brief that if it weren’t for her tingling lips, she thinks she might have dreamt it.
Everything melts. The snow. Her heart. The seasons are turning, and she wakes one night feeling like the last flash of winter is holding her heart in an icy grip, filling it with a dread that has her knocking on Hal’s bedroom door in the middle of the night. When he opens, he barely gets a word out before her arms are slung around his neck, face pressing against the warmth of his chest.
“What’s the matter?”
I gotta find something to make me stay first.
“Please, stay. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want you to leave. Please, I can’t, I don’t want to go back.”
“Sweetheart...”
“Hell, I don’t have anything to go back to at this point, I don’t know what to do,” she rambles on, clinging to him as if he might at any moment dismiss her and push her away.
Her heart nearly breaks when he steps away from her, holds her steady so he can look at her. It’s going to happen. No more days working. No more dinners. No more nagging him with Ma. No more talks on the porch. No more kisses.
“Sweetheart, look at me... It’s okay, you’re okay, please, lemme look at you.” Even in the dark, she can tell the exact shade of blue in his eyes. “I’m gonna be honest with you, okay? I had almost forgot that I usually leave in the next two months. In... God, in four months, I haven’t thought about it once. You know what I have thought about? You. You and how I want to show you everything. I barely even know how this place works in the summer months, and Ma will chew me out for every bit I don’t know, but god, I want to be here with you. I want us to be here.”
“You said you always left,” she says, voice small and nearly muffled against his skin.
“Because this never felt like a proper home. Ma’s here, and I love her, but there’s... a lot of memories attached to this place. And sooner or later they begin to eat at me. So I leave. I leave so I can come back and live in this house without a shadow constantly weighing on me. But darling, you’ve... I don’t remember this house ever being this happy. From the day you came home with me from the train station, you made me feel at home. And I was fearful you’d leave eventually. ‘S not a glamorous life after all, and I’d’ve understood if it wasn’t for you. I still do. But as long as you want to stay, I’ll stay with you. And if ever you want to leave, I want you to know, I ain’t gonna keep you from the road. But this house...” He cups your face, smiling like he’s about to fall to pieces before you. “This house is a home because of you.”
“You... won’t leave?” It’s the only thing she can think of, the only thing she can focus on, hope bubbling like sparkling wine inside her.
Hal smiles, closes the distance to kiss her soft and sweet, lifting her up and swaying them around. “How could I leave when there’s a home for my heart now?”
#HBC Drunk Drabbles#Hal Carter x reader#Picnic fanfiction#hell ye I'm drunk#DRUNK ON FLUFF AND LOVE FOR MY BOY HAL#this is also partly based on Hal's backstory from Picnic#which if you haven't read up about it#will 100% make you want to hug the poor guy
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3/5
The End: Maison
Once upon a time there was a boy named Maison who lived in a bakery.
See, his mother wasn't very much of a mother. And his father definitely wasn't much of a father. He had a habit of drinking for as long as Maison could remember.
Maison's oldest memories were of shivering under the blankets as footsteps thudded up the stairs, the heavy stench of alcohol burning his throat and stinging his eyes till they watered.
His mother, he only remembered in shadows. A shadow peeking over the corner, a shadow scuttling away at the sound of the first shout.
Sometimes Maison snuck into his mother's bedroom and watched her sleep, comforted by the rise and fall of the blankets that reminded him that she was not in fact shadow, but human. He found it ironic how she seemed more real when she was unconscious than awake, and he thought that said something about a person.
His room in the bakery was the coldest of them all, beyond the reach of any furnace or fireplace, a room chilled from both the snow outside and the desolation inside. It was at the very top of the huge grey building, with enormous walls made of floor to ceiling glass windows. They were beautiful, magnificent, and utterly useless against the cold. Maison sat there for hours on end, drawing and drawing on the frosted panes of glass, only for them to ice up again the next day.
It was maddening. It was comforting.
It was maddening. It was comforting.
Nothing lasted forever.
One night, Maison's dad had retched on the ground, and when Maison didn't react, he threatened to send him off to the asylum where the other strange children were sent.
Maison wasn't strange. He liked solitude. And he'd simply never known a person worth breaking his solitude for.
People were avalanches to the small world he'd built for himself in his head, bringing destruction and loudness to disturb the peace. His door was shut. The storms his father unleashed bounced against the iron door protecting the world of his mind. No, the door was locked and would open for no one.
He much preferred windows anyways. Closed like doors, yet allowing him to see through, to observe the world from the very top.
The windows he drew on knew all his secrets and dreams, all the maps he drew to far away places and the creatures that only existed in his mind. It was like whispering secrets to an amnesiac; the next day he'd wake up to find that the windows had forgotten everything, that he'd need to tell them once more, drag his fingers through the ice until they were numb, but it wasn't all just in his head, and that was all that mattered.
After his dad had shouted himself to sleep and the bakery was eerily silent once more, Maison sat in his window, watching the snowflakes float around softly before gently hitting the ground. One particular snowflake he followed all the way to a lump of blankets and scarves that was hobbling across the front of the bakery. Maison squinted, then decided to go downstairs. No one heard socked feet thumping down the stairs. No one saw a boy standing in front of a door, the only thing standing between him and the snowing world outside.
So Maison opened the door. He opened his door, and let the storm in. He let the world in.
And a homeless man.
The man collapsed into a heap of mismatched fabric on the bakery floor as Maison stared at him. Finally, an old weathered face looked up from a blanket, electric blue eyes piercing into his own.
"Who... are you?" Maison asked, wondering what the man was doing out in the snow this late at night and why exactly his own sleep deprived self had felt the compulsion to let a stranger into his house so easily.
The man smiled up at him, and it was a strange sort of smile, as if he knew something Maison didn't. "Just a traveler," he replied, his voice raspy. "homeless like you."
Maison frowned. "I have a house." he gestured to the huge wasteland of gray walls surrounding them.
"Get me some water, boy." he said, and though he was the one on the floor, Maison felt as if the man were looking down upon him. Quickly turning away from his disconcertingly bright eyes, Maison went to the kitchen and filled a glass with water. And on the same bizarre compulsion, he decided at the last minute to heat up some bread as well.
When he returned, the man was seated on a chair at the counter, his patched up coats still bundled over his hunched frame. Maison sat down across from him and watched the man tear at the bread and water ravenously, as if he hadn't eaten for months. Finally, when the man seemed to be finished, Maison repeated, "I have a house."
"Of course."
Maison was thoroughly confused. "But you just said-"
"I said you were homeless. Not houseless." The man stood up. "I really must be on my way."
"Where do you have to go in this weather?"
"Same as you," the man answered, opening the door and letting the chill flood in.
Maison shivered. "I'm not going anywhere."
His mittened hands shook Maison's, and then with a gust of frigid wind, the man had left. Maison blinked.
In his hand was a white ticket for Le Blanche Train Station. There was no train number on it. Le Blanche Station had been abandoned since before his birth, the small platform buried in snow, and the rails dangerously iced most of the year.
Maison turned the ticket. On the back of the ticket were the words, "Find Home."
Something clicked into place in his brain, a missing link suddenly materializing.
Maison bolted to his room, wrote 'goodbye' on the iced windows that had protected his art and sanity for so many years. He kissed his shadow of a mother's cheek, touched his drunkard of a father's hand. They didn't stir.
And then his feet pounded down the stairs one last time. With nothing but extra clothes and some food in his bag, Maison clutched his ticket tightly in his hand and opened his door for once and for all. Feeling like his world was ending, Maison ran and ran and never looked back.
He flew, through the darkness in the sky and the brightness on the ground, until he stood on the abandoned platform, up till his knees in snow. The strong wind bitterly stung his nose and cheeks as he stood there panting, feeling absolutely ridiculous yet so right.
The snowflakes were no longer gently floating like he'd seen them from his room. They danced around him in a wild frenzy now, almost teasing him, taunting him. Look at you. Abandoned everything for a homeless man's deranged prophecies.
The man had been right though. What was a house with a shadow mother and a wasted father? It wasn't a home for sure. And neither would be the mental institution they'd send him off to.
So Maison stood there for hours and hours. Time seemed to stand still and the sun never rose, yet the dark sky seemed to be leached of color, blotted white so slowly he didn't realize it was happening until it already had. The blizzard only escalated until all he could see was blinding whiteness. He didn't know where the sky met the ground anymore, wasn't certain that he hadn't just lost his eyesight. Perhaps the traveler had cast a spell on him, like the magical creatures he drew on his walls.
The air only grew colder and colder. A world made of snow and ice with a heart to match. Maybe the rest of the world could finally feel the freeze he'd carried in his soul for so long.
The frost seeped into his bones, spreading through his limbs like poison until he was nothing but coldness, a boy made of ice and snow. His train of ice had arrived. And he stepped on, the merciless wind devouring him, swallowing him, consuming him, until like the sky, he too faded into whiteness.
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Hiii! I’m the anon who asked you about a ship with Bowie. Would it be too much if I ask you for one - and thank you! I’m a girl and usually hate to talk about myself and would avoid attention at any cost. I’m also pretty oblivious when it comes to love and flirting although usually I’m really good at reading people. I live mainly in my head and love daydreaming while listening to music. I love being alone but I also like being in company. Love to make jokes and sarcastic comments. Very kind 😘😘
Hello love thank you for this! And honestly for a second I thought I wrote this it sounds exactly like me
I ship you with: Ziggy Stardust!
Ziggy’s fingers dance across the guitar strings like the little scuttle of spider’s legs as you gaze up at him, wonder covering your face and a small smile growing on your face as you read him, your eyes travelling and following the path of his thin lips as he sings, your eyes slitting as you see the passion and joy flow off this alien man in waves. The TOTPs studio is stuffy and humid, shoulders bouncing against yours as you duck your head slightly, turning up only to watch this strange man bop on the spot, his red platform boots tapping on the cold stage as his glittery makeup shines underneath the burning white lights, falling lightly onto his striped spacesuit like confetti. When your parents gave you tickets to go to the BBC studio for your birthday, you had no idea this was the way it would go. David catches your eye, his fingers stumbling softly over themselves as he winks at you, and you’re unsure if the glowing blush on his cheeks that swirls like supernovas is from the lights of your intense connecting gaze as his lips turn upwards, unable to draw himself away from you as if an invisible string tugs between your hearts.
He would find your love for daydreaming so cute, whisking you away on weekends to various beautiful and gorgeous foreign countries, buying you new records with bright grins as he hands them to you, a blushing look making him gaze down at his feet as your fingers brush over your outstretched hands. You two would spend afternoons lying by wide babbling brooks, the leaves of the shaking willow tree hanging down above your heads, throwing slight shade over your frames as the unforgiving sun beats down upon your already flushed bodies. Your head would rest upon his chest, his heart beating abnormally as he lies down slowly, his red cap falling off his head and landing underneath his flowing auburn locks as you lie upon his chest, his jacket scratchy but comforting as his hand comes up to entangle in your hair. The two of you just revel in each other’s company, making up silly stories filled with childish giggles as you gaze up at the clear blue sky, watching the clouds puff along like little flowing star ships.
He would be so understanding about your love of being alone, spending the hours when you want to just sit and enjoy your own company outside in the garden, humming gently to himself as he tilts his head, staring at the beauty of the world, the flowers that kiss up to the sky and birds that sing and dance in the wind that he constantly sees reflected in your eyes. However, when he becomes too needy and desperate for your love, his lanky fingers tired and pricked from his time stroking the rose petals blooming by the dewy grass, you’ll hear a soft thump by the door as he collapses onto his knees in front of it, a slight grin on his face as he pushes little peonies underneath the door with light airy giggles.
He would be so enamoured with your love for love for jokes and constant sarcastic comments, his heart swelling to find someone who could finally keep up with him, adding a splash of excitement to his home life. It’s just an extra little bonus for him, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist as if he’s scared to let go as you both stand underneath the dim lights of the bar, his forehead crinkled slightly as his tall lanky frame leans against the sleek black bar, toothy grins and hoarse laughter bursting from his throat as he sees you quip with Lou and Mick, devotion shining from his eyes like burning stars.
#bowie#bowie imagine#bowie x reader#david bowie#david bowie imagine#david bowie x reader#bowie ship#ziggy stardust#ziggy stardust imagine#ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars#david bowie ship#ziggy stardust ship#ziggy stardust x reader#glam rock#glam rock imagine#classic rock#classic rock imagine
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Forget Me Not
“We’re all trying to forget someone.”
Word count: 2,216
The music had been loud, deafening almost, but it still would never be enough to drown out your own thoughts. You sat off in the distance, away from the crowd of silhouettes moving against each other under the flashing strobe lights. Scantily clad bodies pulsing against one another with more alcohol than modesty in their system. Everyone just wanted to have a good time.
And that’s what you were to him. Just a good time.
A year ago when you found yourself at this very same place. Maybe it was the atmosphere, or the way his lips formed those persuasive compliments all night long. Something about him drew you in and made you feel like you were the only one in the world to him. You fell for him hard.
And you regretted it deeply.
A simple exchange of numbers led to frequent meet-ups. These turned to daytime dates, until finally, you both made it official. He became your everything. Your heart was completely open to him. He treated you like his queen. Weeks gave way to months, and it was steadily approaching your anniversary. A great milestone. A surprise visit quickly turned sour that day. You were expecting him to be alone, certainly not the way you found him. A queen, you thought you were. It was only then you realized you were only a queen in the deck of cards of the game he played. Never the only one.
Now here you were tonight, trying to erase the memory where it all began. You scoffed aloud, taking a sip from the fluorescent drink you’d ordered. The burn going down your throat still nothing compared to the burn that still remained in your heart. People could be so cruel.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” You heard a voice that wasn’t your own ring through your mind. Your head snapped up, glancing around and finding no one in your immediate vicinity.
“What the hell?” You set your glass down on the table in front of you. “No way I’m already buzzed off just one drink.”
“Nah, you’re good. Don’t worry.” the voice answered with a light chuckle.
“Okay what the hell is going on?” you questioned to the second voice in your head.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself to be honest. I always thought this was a myth.”
“What, telepathy?”
“People say when you find your soulmate, you can hear their thoughts. Yours have been pretty loud since I laid eyes on you tonight.”
“Soulmate? Right, like I’ll believe that crap.” you scoffed. This had to be some kind of joke. Worst case scenario, something in your drink.
“You weren’t drugged sweetheart. I’ve been paying attention too. Look up to the V.I.P balcony.” You scanned past the crowd, up to the small semicircular balcony portion of the club which sat between two short flights of stairs connecting both floors. Velvet ropes and security guards sealed off both ends. Inside, was a very royal themed couch and a small table holding a whisky glass and an ash tray. A man sat on the floral cushions, isolated from everyone else. His shirt was partially open, one leg crossed lazily over the other and a cigar in one hand. He was looking directly at you, from what you could tell at least.
“Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors, and at night?” you questioned. He chuckled visibly.
“Why don’t you come join me and we could continue this conversation verbally?”
You shrugged, downing the rest of your drink. You gathered yourself, rising to your feet and making your way over to the V.I.P section. Short heels clicked inaudibly against the tile staircase. As you approached, you noticed the security guard glance back at the handsome stranger who gave him a curt nod. The guard opened the velvet rope and stepped aside to let you in. You breathed an internal sigh of relief, to which the man inside snickered into the back of his hand.
“Don't worry, he wouldn't hurt you.” came the mental voice again. You took a seat on the soft couch next to the only other occupant.
“Hello soulmate.” he smirked, turning his body towards you.
“Hey,” you answered. He took your hand and placed a soft kiss to the back of your palm.
“You're even more beautiful up close. My name's Jay.” he grinned.
“Y/N.” you replied.
“Y/N...” he repeated. “So, what brings you back to Heartbreak Hotel?”
“Just trying to start a clean slate, you know?” you answered. He removed his shades, placing them on the table next to his half empty glass.
“We're all trying to forget someone.” he said, pulling the cigar to his lips and taking in a long draw. He exhaled, the white threads of smoke leaving his mouth and dancing between the two of you. He placed the rest of the cigar in the ashtray, dark eyes returning to you.
You took in the slender frame of his face. Smooth skin dipped into sharp collarbones and the beginning of a toned, tattooed chest. His hair was trimmed to an undercut, marked and styled up in slick, dark curls. The light bounced off the small diamond stud piercing on his nose. No doubt, this man was gorgeous. A smile broke out onto his face, turning into a short laugh.
“You flatter me, sweetheart.” he said, reminding you that he could still hear your thoughts loud and clear. You looked down and fiddled with your fingers, with a shy laugh.
“Sorry, I’m still getting used to this.” Your head shot up as realization settled on you. “Hey, wait a minute. You know my story now but I don’t know yours.” you said. He leaned an arm against the back of the couch.
“What do you wanna know, sweetheart?” he grinned. His smile made you relax into your seat a bit more. You weren’t completely vulnerable with him, but you at least felt comfortable.
“What’s your deal? How come my apparently handsome soulmate isn’t pulling home the next best skirt on the dance floor?” you teased. He chuckled, turning back to the security guard behind him and snapping his fingers. The guard nodded, and began making his way down the staircase. Jay turned back to you.
“You see, Y/N, just like you, I know what it’s like to be fucked over.” he said. He glanced off to the crowd of clubbers below the platform. “It’s happened one too many times. Eventually you start to feel like you’re ready to give up on love.” Your heart clenched at his words. You knew how it felt, all too well.
The security guard returned with a bottle of champagne and two glasses, setting them down on the table before you both, then returning to his post. Jay reached for the bottle, opening it with ease and pouring the bubbly, golden liquid into both glasses. He handed one to you, holding up his own with a small, but hopeful smile.
“Cheers, soulmate.” he said. You clinked glasses and sent the crisp, sweet drink past your lips. Your gazes returned to each other and your eyes locked. A dense energy danced between the two of you, sealing you off from the rest of the world and suffocating you in the most euphoric way. You searched each other’s eyes, your minds simultaneously saying the words neither of your lips could form.
“Please don't break my heart again.”
Your skin burned with desire. Your bodies were pulled flush against each other. Your tongues linked sloppily as Jay's tattooed hands roamed your body. He tasted like a bittersweet combination of champagne and tobacco. The scent of his cologne still lingered on him even with both of your clothes long gone. Immense passion radiated from you both as you maneuvered haphazardly through his bedroom.
He guided you back until you felt the bed against the back of your legs. His hands gripped your waist, easing you onto the bed. Your legs opened to accommodate him fitting between your thighs. He rolled his hips against your center, prompting a muffled moan to escape you. He chuckled against your lips, pulling the bottom flesh between his teeth before working his way down your body. He kissed and marked his way across your skin, down your neck, across your chest and along your abdomen.
“So beautiful,” he murmured against your tender flesh. “and all mine.”
“Yes, all yours.” you breathed. Your chest rose and fell as his head slowly traveled lower down your body. He lifted your legs to drape them over his shoulders. His smoldering gaze trailed up your body to meet your own eyes before he flattened his tongue against your core. Your head fell back into to plush sheets, staggered breaths leaving your lips as they hung open. Jay's fingers dug into your thighs to keep them steady while he worked his tongue on you.
The muscle slid along your folds, dipping into you and lapping at your essence. His lips wrapped skillfully around your clit, sucking lightly on the sensitive bud. Your hips bucked against him, wordlessly begging him not to stop. He swirled his tongue in abstract patterns against you. Your pulse picked up, resonating through your body as your shaking fingers gripped into the sheets beneath you. His tongue pressed into you, drawing out your pleasure filled cries as your body quaked, releasing onto his face. He licked at you gently as he coaxed you down from your high.
You lay back, chest heaving as you tried to steady your breathing once more. Jay crawled over your body and placed a smooth kiss to your lips. The taste of you lingered on him. He pulled away to bite his lip and admire you for a moment.
“You’re even more beautiful when you come undone, babygirl.” he smirked. You could feel his tip probing at your entrance, aching for you. Jay looked to your eyes for confirmation.
“You ready?”
You nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck. He pushed into you, laying his body flush against your own. Your arms tightened around him, wanting to feel him as close as possible. He stretched you out slowly, lips capturing yours once more and muffling your incoherent moans.
His arms shifted beside you, so that he could cup your face in his hands. He held you gently, but firmly, as if to protect you, but almost afraid that you would disappear if he let go. You returned that same emotion through your hold around his body. His hips rolled in and out of you at a steady pace as you both savoured each other through twisting tongues.
Beads of sweat glistened off your bodies as skin met skin repeatedly. He filled you completely, reaching the deepest parts of your core as the passion consumed you both. The sheets were a tangled beneath you. Mumbled cries rang against wet muscles in the dimly lit room. Your hearts raced with each other, a dense climax building up within your cores. Your muscles clenched around Jay, bringing him to follow soon after you.
You rolled over in the soft duvet, the thick sheets wrapping around you like the warm embrace of a lover. Your eyes slowly peeled open. Gentle light emanated from the window, bringing your attention to a small folded note atop a soft folded material placed on the bedside table. Your hand emerged from your bundle of comfort, to reach for the card so you could read the message inside.
Put on this robe and meet me downstairs for breakfast, beautiful. -J
A blushing smile spread across your face, like a high school girl thinking of her crush. You held the note to your heart, sighing happily before pulling yourself out of his bed. As instructed, you slipped on the robe he had left you. It felt even softer than the sheets. You ran your hands along the fabric, then pulled the loose ropes around your waist. Gently patting down your hair to make it look as neat as possible at the time, you made your way out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen, following your vague memory of the house layout from last night.
You found Jay sitting at the table, coffee mug pressed to his lips while scrolling idly through his phone with the other hand. He wore a robe identical to the one he had left for you. Before him, the table was laden with a bright assortment of breakfast items, more than enough for just two people. You gasped softly, prompting him to look up at you. His tousled locks falling loosely over his forehead.
“Did you make all this?” you asked, still taking in the mere sight. Your own hunger awakened with a low rumble within your stomach.
“Amazing how many recipes you can find on Google, huh?” he answered with a chuckle. He placed his mug and phone down and rose from his seat. Making his way over to you, his hands cupped your face as he leaned in and placed a delicate kiss to your lips. He pulled back, holding your focus as his thumbs trailed back and forth tenderly against your cheeks, his eyes looking even softer under the morning light.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” you replied with a smile.
#jay park#park jaebum#fanfiction#angst#smut#fluff#soulmate au#telepathy#night club#falling in love#park jaebeom#x reader#aomg#khh#female reader#kpop#fanfic#fic#Admin Nora#Admin Pikachu#yay teamwork
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A look into the past: Chapter Four
Chapter Four
Without taking any time to rest Tar’shal was already strapped back in armor. The air of anger surrounded her marching towards the south passage of the village. Paint on the female’s face brought a small idea of who was helping her. Tribal paints of the Grimtotem had been seen among the army of the Horde. A bunch of brutes who knew only but strength, having a chance to crack a skull or two who challenged her. The black armor shined in the sunlight through the ragged cloak hanging. This time she was not held back by a child and had most of her strength to pursue the lead.
Unexpectedly something stopped her to turn around and face Sedic as he watched worried. Both stared knowing deep down something had to be done and Tar’shal only had a short time to do it. Even now her brand felt it burned brightly as an omen of duty. Sedic’s voice spoke choked up in sadness “I will not stop till she is found. You have my word as you have always had it. Earthmother watch over you Tar’shal...and Neruma.” Sedic’s form began to rapidly change shrinking to the ground, robes pulling into the form appearing. Wings of a large owl appear with a single flap it took to the air on his own hunt.
Tar’shal pounded her chest in a salute to him “Good luck...May you return to your people brother...Mate…” muttering the last word starting the long trek.
The trip was not easy on the body as much of it still needed rest. Pain did not hold her back as the soldier inside ordered like a drill sergeant to keep moving through the barrens. Not even the heat slowed the determined female as An’she baked down on her. Along the path she found clues of the caravan that was destined for Thousand needles. Even a Dwarf she almost stepped on made mention of one Shu’halo carrying something swaddled up.
Footsteps picked up a faster pace now having a strong lead heading for the elevator that separated the two regions. It had been the only way down into the valley but what she had wondered is which way they were heading. Upon arriving to the elevator the guard gave her a shard of important details ensuring she was on the right path but at the same time far behind. They had at least a half day ahead and moving steadily for their destination going west.
After listening to his gripe of needing a break she took the elevator down into the valley below. The ride kept her on edge as the ropes and platform creaked under weight. Without waiting for it come to rest she took a leap from it landing with an echoing thud spooking the guard at the bottom. Not even taking the time to apologise she hurried on through the valley studying the ground. She can see the heavy foot impressions but the path showed heavy signs of travel, making it hard to tell if it had been there's.
Between the spires of stone it was hard to see what lay ahead. Trees towered over the very stone that surrounded her bringing a heavy worry. Last thing she needed was to track them in a dense forest. It came more apparent getting closer and not seeing any form of village on ground level, besides a Centaur run in. Galloping at full speed their weapons clashed. The trusty tower shield kept the Centaur attacks at bay while finding the opening to run him through. Sparks flew with eat thrust at the black wall while the bright orange eyes watched careful. The moment came in a flash shifting the shield to deflect a thrust with her sword reaching in to land a lethal blow to their chest. Pulling the blade free blood dripped to the ground as she is beginning to walk again towards the forest, with a single flick of the wrist all the drops of blood were sent flying. Combat did not make her falter but instead draw focus inward. War was what she knew and survival was most important cause if she died then it mean the end of oaths. While dying for honor brought respect, it felt letting death claim her took the proud feeling away.
With sword and shield tucked away her trek finally came upon more fertile ground covered in grass and trees towering overhead. The feeling of being small set in for a short moment as it was hard to find even bulls that stood taller than her, though one she did find was quickly slugged putting him on his back. Among this sensation she kept walking but unknown to her she passed a less traveled path among a few bushes heading north a short bit while her path lead to a village. It was good seeing more faces and possible leads to her child's whereabouts.
While she got busy hunting for clues far up the path in the forest. The caravan approached a village tucked away from civilisation keeping it from prying eyes. Shadows felt as if their welcoming the travelers back surrounding them, peering at them with interest. From the edge of the village of shadows a small group wait eager of the arrivals. Standing among them the Chieftain looked on to the group studying each of them then the cargo on the Kodo’s while at his side a elderly crone on her years with red eyes scan each traveler. Others move past to help the Kodo’s in while the group gathers to greet the chieftain.
Peering among those gathered the Chieftain remains quiet till finally he pounded his fist in greeting. His voice came out with a growl as eyes set on the leader of the group. “Good to see you all back. I hope the looks of the cargo hides your accomplishments with other tribes.”
Taking steps toward the leader he speaks up with a bit of fear in his voice. “Our trip was not as...fruitful. Many others are turning from each other...We did what we could...Uh and brought back something you might find useful.” He took no time to turn to Setim who even she cowered more as eyes set on her pulling the bundle in arms closer.
The Chieftain stared for a moment then looked back to the leader growling deeply in anger. “I see nothing! There is nothing there but a weak female. You better hope your load at least comes equal.” He raised his right hand that was wrapped with a studded leather covered in small spikes of bone and metal.
Just as it came down to the leader the crone spoke up as her eyes never left Setim or more the bundle in arm. “Chieftain! I think there is something here...that may be useful.” She slowly begun to walk towards Setim reaching out wrinkled hands. “Let me see them...Something here feels it brings promise and...a tool.” Hesitantly Setim lets the crone pull the blankets away, not for the child's safety but of her own fears. To the red eyes she peers down at the black and white calf who stirs starting to cry. The crying quickly brought a grin to her muzzle as she took the child and held it. “Oh this is a precious gift...Spirit's whisper in my ears of what could be and...Oh my. The sounds of drums in this child's roots….Drums of war and fighting. What being told of possibilities is that warrior you wish. One of no will but to kill as you command.” She said with a wicked chuckle.
The Chieftain looked to the crone then the calf “But that's a female. I doubt she be anything to compare to my bulls. Most females can’t compare except for a few who have come up.”
The crone looks to the Chieftain “Don’t doubt the spirit's words. This one comes from a line of warriors long not seen on these lands...I don’t understand it but she will have a rage within combat that rivals most bulls or other warriors. And with a little help of my magic...We can give it power.”
Shifting Neruma to the left arm she rose the other holding the palm to the young calf speaking an ancient language causing runes to glow on her flesh. Red glow fills each symbol even on the chieftains body starts to glow. “I hope you have not forgotten this power that I extended to you…”
The chieftain snorts looking to the crone “A waste if you tell me...If you want to play with...that thing then go ahead. Till it produces promise I will not acknowledge it.” He looks to Setim “Keep her the caretaker of the thing.” He turns his voice address her “You are to ensure she lives. If she does die then you will be used to replace her.” His words made Setim cower more, baring her teeth for a moment.
As he looks back to the crone he is met with a sight of the calf looking in awe of the rune before her eyes. Innocent of the world's darkness, she stared into the rune as it felt like a trance fill her mind, chains inside wrapping and binding a unborn anger. The crone kept her chanting up watching as slowly the eyes filled red with rage but this rage was hollow and unfilled. Neruma soon broke out in a crying fit unable to control herself enough the crone struggled to keep hold though she held a wicked grin. “Does this look promising?” She asked looking to the chieftain pointing directly at him. “And all it takes to waken this at will is a word...A ancient word meaning anger I taught you.” She looks down speaking a word of calm and Neruma eyes faded back to normal looking to pass out from the stress. “And that's the word you bring her back. I would not use this till she gets older. Right now experiences have not filled her rage at all. WIth this spell anything that happens to her will be a form of anger. So train her hard and beat her down. Break her from a young age.”
The chieftain looked at the glow of his body then at the crone with a bit of a smirk. “You are wicked...Then at the age of five will be her first day of training. Show her what pain is like and beat her till she sparks her natural reflexes.” He looks to Setim “Each day you will treat those wounds so she will be ready for the next. Do I make myself clear?”
Setim’s ears flick back bowing her head. “Yes Chieftain…”
With that the chieftain looks to the lead bull and quickly raised a hand and struck him, sending a spray of blood scattering the ground. Not even stopping to look at the bull he starts to head for the Kodo while the bull holds his face crying out. Pain filled his face as he tried desperately to stem the bleeding being unable to in the future prevent scarring. Setim watched from a distance failing to notice the crone walk up and pass Neruma back. “I will be watching...I want to hear her drums...The cries of each foe that falls to her strength...Keep her alive.” With that she turns heading back into camp with a wicked chuckle. “Who ever her mother was...she is not one to stand against...Oh we will have to conceal this child's location...Though I doubt anyone will find us.” She said almost sounding as if talking to herself though some felt she walked with a shadow.
Setim stood watching the group enter camp though her legs stood shaking showing the sign of fear running through her body. She felt broken down and forced into a corner that was never asked for. A calf of all things was forced on her as she never took care of one herself. Looking to the calf speaking from clenched teeth “You have ruined my life the moment you even were mentioned...I don’t love you and for sure would gladly just leave you to die...But then I just be put in your place and lose any chance of being my own person….I despise you…” Those words came out laced heavily in hate of Neruma that gave her strength to walk into camp. Any and all turned from Setim seeing the bundle in her arms. She was known for not having a mate and now was marked.
Fire crackled as tea was being poured into a pair of cups by the Storyteller. “In a way two souls were marked for a life of cruelty and punishment. Both consumed by a shadow of the tribe. Setim was hoping for a mate of the tribe to bring a proud Grimtotem child forth but instead was passed Neruma she felt was just a plague and made it so she will never have a mate.”
The visitor nods “So she did not see what could be if Neruma became what the old crone was seeing?”
The Storyteller shook her head “She only saw what was considered being condemned to a life of being alone. Far from what she wanted.”
The visitor reached for a cup picking it up and brought it to his nose. With a single inhale he took the scent in bringing a bit of calmness to his old body. “It’s a shame she thought that. The little girl had a lot of potential if brought up right. But this place she is at...Your words send shivers down my spine.” He shivered slightly as he took a drink forgetting how hot it was. He quickly pulled the cup away “Hot! Of course it’s hot…” He looked to the Storyteller who sat a bit startled watching.
“Are you alright?”
The visitor nods quickly as he brushed himself off “Yes...Uh sorry about that. Well so much for that shiver.” He said setting the cup aside. Clearing his throat he looked back to the Storyteller “So now the child Neruma has been set with a home and caretaker… What happened to her mother?”
This question brought a deep sadness as her words came out soft and in pain “She spent days to months searching. Scouring all of the jungles of Feralas. After some time of ignoring her calls to return to duty she finally gave in. But on this road it lead back to wars and fighting. A heart no longer strong as it once was as she held her oaths one fell past her. There was no keeping this unspoken oath...the oath of a mother and child.” She moved to fill the visitors cup once again.
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Every Exit, An Entrance (14/?)
There are two (and only two) possibilities: either she led XCOM to victory and they are now engaged in a clean up operation of alien forces, or XCOM was overrun, clearing the way for an alien-controlled puppet government to seize control of the planet. She’d really like to figure out which it is, but asking hardly seems the prudent option.
Read from the beginning here
She spends the time between the end of her shift and the memorial service writing and re-writing the letter to Gunda’s family. On the ground, XCOM’s finest do what they can to prop the haven up. Lily’s team finishes repairing the water purifier. Tygan restocks their depleted first aid supplies and does what he can to ward off infection in the wounded. The men attend burial after burial, heaping dirt over body after body. It is a long, trying day, and they all know the evening will bring them no respite.
Her thirty-fifth draft finally leaves her with something that doesn’t make her cringe to read.
The whole of XCOM, small as it is, files into the bar at the appointed hour. They pour drinks and look to her, their Commander, to offer some meaning, some comfort.
She hates eulogies.
She has only ever managed eloquence in debate, and even then, only on a few occasions. Central has always been better with speeches, with inspiring the kind of comfort and confidence she desperately wishes she could give the people gathered around her.
They are still looking.
“We lost a friend today,” she begins. “There’s no way to soften that blow. Asha’s warmth was contagious. You always knew you were in for a good time if she was in the mood to tell stories. You couldn’t hear her laugh and not join in.” She pauses to wipe at her eyes. “Asha wasn’t here for revenge. She wasn’t here to kick ADVENT’s teeth in. She was here because she believed we had the best shot at making the world a better place.” She shrugs. “I’m not gonna give you all some line about making her death worth it because that’s bullshit. You can’t commodify a human life --- and you shouldn’t. No act, no victory, nothing will ever make her death somehow... acceptable. Fair. Whatever word you want to use.” She pauses again, scrubbing at her eyes. “I’d like to think we carry the ones we’ve lost with us, that we honor and remember them in the things we do, the stories we tell. So, if you get a chance to make the world a better place, even if it’s just for one person, take it. I can’t think of a better way to carry her forth.”
She raises her glass and the room joins in. It is the best she can do for them.
Moon sits with Krieger, doing his best to console her. Thomas is uncharacteristically quiet, contemplating his beer in the corner, while Wallace and Royston do what they can to comfort Kelly. Knight and Dynkin, the newest additions to the science team, chat quietly with Tygan while Shen and her engineers huddle over what the Commander can only hope are some kind of improved armor schematics.
She doesn’t see so much as feel Central slide into the seat next to her. She’d be lying to herself if she blamed her hyperawareness of his presence, of his warmth, of his physicality in a space and how it relates to her own simply on Berlin, but it’s a convenient scapegoat and she tries not to think of how long it really would have taken her to develop such an acute sensitivity.
Wordlessly, he hands her his flask, already half-empty. She takes a shot and passes it back, wrinkling her nose as the bourbon burns.
I’m lost, she wants to tell him. I used to know the rules of the game with you, but they’ve changed. Or, maybe I’ve forgotten them. Maybe I didn’t know them in the first place, after all.
“I‘m sorry about earlier,” he says, taking another shot.
“Don’t worry about it. Was a tough day for everybody.”
“It was out of line.”
“Come on, you run the day to day around here. We really worried about rank?”
“Wasn’t what I meant.”
She reaches over the bar, takes a glass, fills it with water, and places it in front of him. “Like I said, it was a shit day. No one’s in a good place.”
He wraps his fingers around the cool of the cylinder. “You were right, though. Better that we bury her someplace she’ll be remembered.”
They sit quietly for a few moments.
“Tygan’s team did what they could to clear space free of dissection specimens,” she offers.
He nods. “They’re good people.”
She looks around the bar, hand rubbing at the back of her neck. “We’re gonna need more help if we want to win this thing. A lot more.”
He nods again. “I know.”
She leans forward, resting her elbows on the bar, and buries her face in her hands. Go back to bed, a voice in her head says. You don’t have to deal with this. It’s probably some bad dream, anyway. Go back to bed and maybe you’ll wake up where you’re supposed to be.
She’s brought back to reality by Central’s hand, warm and solid on her shoulder. “We’ll find it. We’re not out of doors to knock on yet.”
It’s fleeting, gone before she can even really react, and its absence hurts more than it has any right to. She’s lucky he’s even talking to her; with each day, she realizes more and more what a risky move delivering the datapad to him had been.
She’s missed him. She still misses him. She misses their history, the things that passed between them, glimpses of a life they might have once made for themselves. For as much as it’s the same old story, the same song and dance of blood and bullets and dead friends, it is an entirely new one. The players have changed and the plot too, but she is still here, scrambling for what was.
She can’t pinpoint a single source for the tears rolling down her cheeks. Instead, she simply wipes them away and accepts the flask that’s offered.
--
“Commander,” Central’s voice sounds in her ear. “We’ve got an incoming transmission from the Council.”
Her stomach drops and her mouth runs dry. We did nothing wrong, she tells herself. We obeyed the charter. We did nothing wrong.
“Any idea what’s up?”
“Negative, ma��am.”
Her heart races. This is it. They know. They’ve found some loophole, some detail we overlooked and they know. They heard something, saw something. Someone decided to see what Central was up to. They know.
She stands up from her desk and the world spins. “Alright. I’m on my way.”
She catches a glimpse of her reflection off of the glass set into the laboratory door. Her face is drawn and devoid of color. She shakes her hair loose from its bun, and fusses with it, hoping to lessen the appearance of the panic now gripping her.
Central looks concerned when she passes him in Mission Control, gently squeezing his arm as she heads for the Situation Room. She trusts him to understand what the gesture is meant to convey, even if she herself can’t quite narrow it down to a single message.
“Mr. Spokesman,” she says, frantically working to keep her voice calm and even. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
Her heart thuds against her ribs and she fights the urge to pick at her fingers --- they are already ringed with band aids.
“Commander,” the Spokesman intones, ominous as ever as he stares down at her from the screen. “The Council has received word of your recent developments.”
A cold sweat breaks out across her skin. “You’ll have to be more specific, Mr. Spokesman. Both Dr. Shen and Dr. Vahlen have teams at work on a variety of projects.”
She can feel her legs start to tremble, threatening to betray her terror. She hopes the jitter does not carry across the video feed.
“Dr. Shen’s recent AI efforts are of particular interest to a number of our members. They are requesting additional details on the mobile platform you call the SHIV, currently under redevelopment.”
She wants to laugh or cry or scream or maybe some combination thereof that she can’t properly imagine right now. Relief courses through her veins, and her heart begins to slow. “Yes, absolutely. I’ll have Dr. Shen compile a dossier on the most recent work.”
The Spokesman nods. “We will be in touch.”
The feed goes dead.
She collapses into the nearest chair, legs turning to jelly below her. She draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, trying to quell the terror that had so abruptly risen and been even more abruptly dispelled.
“Dr. Shen,” she says, pressing a finger to her comm link and hoping her voice does not audibly shake. “Please instruct your team to assemble a dossier on the most recent work on the non-weaponized SHIV experiments. Our friends on the Council are very interested.”
“They’ll have it within the week, ma’am.”
“Understood. Thank you.”
She rests her head against the cool of the tabletop and waits for the nausea to subside.
She plays and replays the conversation in her head, trying to determine if the request was sincere or merely an attempt to fish for more information. She’s always struggled to secure an accurate read on the Spokesman, and she suspects that’s purposeful.
If they know, she asks herself, why play the long game? Evidence? Maybe they know, and are waiting for us to make another request before they say anything. Maybe they’re waiting for us to slip up and violate the terms.
Or maybe, they don’t know at all, she counters. Central said he’d relied on backchannels. Maybe the requests have been buried, encoded or lost among intelligence chatter. The Council is powerful, yes, but there has to be a limit. No nation is that forthcoming when it comes to sharing intel.
She is still shaking when she emerges back into Mission Control, though she’s managed to pin her fair back up, some faint air of professionalism restored.
“Central,” she says. “Expect a report from Shen’s team in the next few days. The Council’s taken an interest in ROV-R.”
He nods. “Word travels fast.”
“Doesn’t it just?”
“When you have a moment, I could use a word.”
“I’ll be in my office. Stop by at your leisure.”
He nods, “Ma’am.”
“Central.”
Back in the relative sanctuary of her office, she begins slowly, methodically disassembling the space. She removes the books from the shelves, and the computer from the desk. She runs her hand along edges, under tops, around corners. She pulls the drawers from the desk, the shade from the lamp, the cushions from the chair, looking for anything amiss, anything that should not belong.
She pries the cover from the outlet, the switch plate from the light, the corkboard from the wall. She will take no chances.
She’s reassembled the majority of it by the time he knocks.
“Redecorating?” He asks, surveying the remaining piles and the few drawers upended against the back wall.
“Ruling out a nasty feeling.”
“You find anything?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t really think I was going to, but after that call, I was taking no chances.”
“You think they know?”
She shrugs. “I can’t get a read either way. They’ve always held the cards, and they’ve got no reason to clue us in. Guess they figure it makes us easier to control.”
“If they’ve got all the power, then we’ve got no recourse.”
“…Yeah,” she says, her shoulders sagging. “That’s a pretty good summation.”
“So, flip the table.”
She cocks her head at him. “What?”
“If you want power, control the narrative. Control the narrative and you dictate what happens.”
The realization comes to her slowly. “You can’t really be suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.”
“The Council has us pinned because they’re our only source of funding. They can do what they want because they have no one to answer to. Why not change that?”
“Because we can’t hide de-cloaking. It’s not --- It’s not covert research. It’s a violation of the charter.”
“We play it right, and we won’t have to. Why did George Marshall rebuild western Europe?”
“Countering the spread of Communism.”
“Hearts and minds, Lizzie.”
“How?” She asks after a moment. “We’d have to be so careful.”
“There has to be a way to make it look like it’s not coming from us.”
She chews on her lip, contemplating. “We could make it look like a system intrusion --- right?”
He nods. “Gotta be a way.”
“If we fuck this up ---“
“We won’t.”
“But if we do?”
“Then, I’ll flip you for the top bunk in the brig.”
I love you, she wants to say. This is crazy, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you, she almost tells him. I can’t imagine a better partner --- in this, or anything else, she nearly adds.
Instead, she settles for offering him a small smile. “Make it a best two out of three?”
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Winter of My Discontents
Alright, moving on –
So this is the first day of shit weather this year where I live. It’s weird – growing up in New York I remember the seasons – but here we only have two – winter and construction. It goes from 80 to 40 (F) in about a week – so yesterday was 75 and sunny and I could read outside and actually talk to people and today it’s 59 and rainy and cloudy and I just wanna set everything on fire.
I fucking hate it.
Kids – I fucking hate winter. It glooms over you – and everything goes from bright and outside to monochrome and “fuck you.” My wheelchair can’t go over the snow and it snows here from like the beginning of November to the middle of April and all of those months here I loathe. Summer’s ok here but you’re still surrounded by religious lunatics.
Nobody plows their fucking sidewalk in winter so I have to literally risk my life by driving my wheelchair in the middle of roads with cars in order to cross my own godsdamn street just to get food and now this year
my Dad wants me to come into the office three times a week.
(So – to explain my work situation – OK – so technically I’m unemployed – and that’s cuz of the stupid fucking government who says like “oh you’re making above this much money as a person in a wheelchair? Well in that case Medicaid isn’t gonna pay for your attendants to help you get up in the morning and go to bed at night (I’d need to make, like, 25k or so a year to afford that basically)” and also if you save literally one dollar more than $2,000 at one time on all your bank accounts combined we’ll also cut your Medicaid funding for the attendants and very expensive medical equipment (my chair costs 36k every 5 years) as well!” so I’m very much hamstrung by bureaucratic bullshit) –
so in order to get around all this nonsense – I (with the help of my family) am officially unemployed but I live in an apartment that’s technically rented by my Dad’s company – and in return I write and edit (and have been for like 6 years now) an e-magazine about the 3D Printing Industry (I don’t put my name on it though because again, government…) – which is kinda interesting and has allowed me to do both that and focus on my creative work as well – and I also do some freelance writing and one time an artistic thing for the company as well – (that money gets funneled to a bank account the government doesn’t know about) but mostly I’m glad I’ve had these jobs but they’re not…I don’t get excited about them. I know other people might, but – I’m not one of them hahaha. I really want to work creatively, but you know…)
In any case, while my Dad does run the main company as CEO he didn’t hire me – it wasn’t his idea – the owner of the company (who has lots of $$$) – after a year of me searching for jobs after college (very unsuccessfully) called me up one day and was like “you’re doing this for us now” and I needed to move out of my folks’ house ASAP so I was like “OK” –
But now my Dad wants me to come in to the office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – and I totally understand his reasoning (he’s trying to help me out) – he thinks that if I’m in the office other people there will involve me more in freelance-type work and I’ll be able to earn more $ - and this is probably true – and he also wants me to “get out of your warren” – cuz he knows my brother was basically the only person I interacted with socially in this entire city on any regular basis and now that he’s gone, well….
So my Dad seems to think being social with the other workers or something will be good for me? I mean maybe he’s right but I know everyone in there and they’re all super old and while they’re very nice I don’t have much in common with them and even if I did it’s still super awkward cuz I’m the boss’s son and it’s just awkward – I mean this is part of the reason why my brother left anyway – he worked there for three years but after those three years he was ready to not work at his Dad’s company anymore – and plus he and his wife fuckin hated Utah anyway and I don’t blame them at all I mostly hate it too haahahaha (cries)…
Though if I’m being honest anywhere I’d live I’d probably find all the flaws in real quick…
But maybe somewhere like California where actual things happen and I don’t have to fucking war against winter every year…
Cuz like I’ve tried the work many days a week with a commute in this city – and in summer it’s ok – there’s a very good tram-line system and I’m close to a station (for this purpose) – but in winter…
So for the first year I lived in Salt Lake I was working the magazine job and I was also working at the local Apple Store as well and that winter I literally nearly died commuting cuz I was super tired all the time (my fatigue tolerance level is super low) and dealing with customers and then doing the magazine job and then I was trying to write a book in my free time (it was the first one I wrote and it was complete shit but I’m proud of it cuz it was the first thing I’d ever finished) but I was basically operating at only 15% power and then one night I was on the train platform and there was ice and I slipped off it and half my wheelchair and I fell into the gap between the platform and the train and if that train operator hadn’t seen me he would’ve pulled out of the station and I woulda been warm meat paste…
(I nearly die at least six times a year…)
And that was the night I decided I’d quit that Apple job cuz no job is worth that hellish commute.
Even in subtler ways, though the winter is a killer for me here – there are days when the weather or the pressure changes and my right shoulder (the arm I drive my power wheelchair with) is in so much agony I can hardly move at all – and this lasts 2 or 3 days sometimes 4 –
and then they have these frikken godsforsaken mines here and we’re in this bowl-shaped valley so they mine all this dust into the air and so there’s this inversion here in winter and you can literally visibly see the dust in the air and your throat burns for like four months straight and it’s like the fuckin dust bowl or something god I hate unregulated red states…
And to top it all off, when I travel a lot in the cold my feet rub against my shoes which happened when I commuted to the apple store and by the end of that year I had sores on my heels that took 6 months to heal and in that time one of my best friends from high school died and I couldn’t travel to his funeral because I couldn’t even get out of my door and….I hated myself for that – I’d let him down (again.)
To be honest with you – when I first got offered that job at Apple I was so proud and happy and excited – I’d been looking for a job for a year after college and I looked everywhere – all over the world – in every industry I could think of – and there was just nothing. Nobody even offered me an interview before they did – and I have self-esteem issues anyway so I started thinking – like – is it cuz I’m in a wheelchair? Is that why nobody wants me? (I really have issues dealing with any kind of rejection because of this…)
But then Apple came along and said “Yes!” And I was like OMG this is amazing – I’m doing retail but it’s gonna be in an interesting (kind of) industry and I’m gonna work with young peeps like me and I’m gonna do creative stuff in my free time and slowly work my way up the ladder and I’m still young I got tons of time to do everything and be everywhere I wanna be going…and then the month before I had the job orientation with Apple my old high school friend had the sudden accident which would lead to his passing a few months later – and….nothing mattered like it had anymore…
He was hovering between life and death all the way in New York and I was in Utah doing…what? Selling expensive crap to rich Mormons? Nothing made sense anymore. For six years before that point I’d been an insufferable evangelical Christian zealot – and although for two years my faith had been wavering due to me beginning to question its draconian teachings – at that point I still had it – but then this happened and very quickly what little faith I’d been holding onto died with my friend.
I’m glad I’ve grown in my empathy and inclusiveness since then – but on the other hand, I feel I’ve lost something…
And then a month after my friend’s accident I had to present myself to Apple and be an enthusiastic team player filled with evangelism for the products and I just…I couldn’t do it…I remember that week so vividly too cuz that was the week George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they announced they were doing MORE STAR WARS and I was like holy fuck that’s what I wanna do – maybe not necessarily Star Wars (though !!!) – but telling stories and weaving myths – and making a thing that MATTERED to people – that moved them and shook them and changed them and nourished them and gave them some godsdamned fucking hope in this unjust world…
But I was stuck here in Utah…
So I started writing that book and I pushed myself so incredibly hard cuz literally by that point it was the only thing that mattered to me and made sense – feeling like I’d been put on this Earth to make art and I wasn’t gonna waste anymore time because maybe I didn’t have anymore time, you know?
And like I couldn’t connect with my coworkers – they were my age but many of them were Mormons with whole families they were supporting and most of the rest (save for my good friend @soundscomplicated) – I just…it was hard to connect to. In college I’d been surrounded by interesting people who challenged my brain and soul parts (at least sometimes – though academia drove me nuts) …but now….now I was stuck in the wasteland with no way out…
I finished the book and it was crap but at least I’d done something. Then I made that personal safety decision to quit Apple and for the last four years I’ve been working from home…
And this past year or so I finally began to put it all together again maybe – my drawing skills were improving – I was writing another book that scared the crap outta me (but that was a good thing) – about a group of nerds who lost someone close to them and whose worlds were turned upside down as a result – where the protagonist was a kid in a wheelchair like me and for the first time I felt like I was writing something IMPORTANT that MATTERED that might move people – letting out all my pain and hope and regret and love -
But then I sent it out to potential agents and waited and waited and waited for months and months and literally none of them even sent me a solid rejection. It was all just nothingness into the void. I understand they get so many submissions though so I tried not to take it personally –
And I decided this story and these words that I’d finished were important enough for me to publish on Amazon – so I did – and it was one of the proudest moments of my life (this was back in April or so) but then – nobody bought it. And it’s not like I expected to make out like gangbusters – I don’t know anything about marketing or being social media savvy (I mean just witness the godsdamned length of this friggen post hahaha) – but I thought at least everyone in my extended family would buy it – but nope. It sold like 11 copies. Let’s just say I will love those 11 people forever but I just…
Like I’d killed myself over this fucking book. I went down into the deepest parts of my soul and ripped them out for all the world to see – I didn’t do anything but this book. I did my paying work for the company but hanging out with people other than my brother sometimes? I didn’t have time. I didn’t have the energy.
In the flesh connections are so hard and when you’re working on something you truly believe in – well – you feel compelled to WORK WORK WORK and where was I gonna meet people here anyway?
This story mattered more than my own happiness.
And now that it hasn’t done well? What was it all for? Really? It’s not that I’m not totally effing proud of what came out – I am – probably more than any other art I’ve ever made – but…I dunno I guess I just have delusions of grandeur for myself…sometimes I feel like if I’m not Shakespeare – if I can’t support myself with my art – I’m a failure.
I’ve failed. My life has been a waste!
And then I sit back and I try to remind myself that’s an incredibly toxic and terrible way of thinking but at this point I literally can’t help it…
I don’t know what to work on next creatively. And now I’m having to spend more time away from my creative stuff and I don’t want to – I really don’t give a shit about the meager extra money I’m gonna get by going into the office – I want those hours I’m gonna waste there back! I don’t want to spend more hours not doing what I was born on this earth to do.
That probably sounds super privileged of me and I’m lucky to be where I am and blah blah blah but I just……and when the winter really comes and there’s snow on the ground I literally will not be able to go to the office (or even leave my apartment easily for that matter) and my Dad understands that – but I just…
Maybe I just don’t want to do that stuff anymore? I’m probably coming across as a super lazy and ungrateful person – and I am, but…
I just don’t have many friends here anyway and spending energy on commuting is just not gonna help that at all and I see no way out and I’m literally crying as I type this and I want OUT OUT OUT so bad but I don’t know what that means or what that looks like and I am cold and scared and lonely and tired and
For the past month it’s been warm and sunny and I’ve had Blondie to distract me from all this pain and mounting mediocrity and it’s been nice cuz I haven’t really had a crush in the flesh since college – like literally the last girl I allowed myself to fall for is now married with two kids hahaha and that night I got my head stuck in the fridge and I didn’t say this in the original post but
I was literally kind of sobbing because my brother was leaving (he’s gone now) and I don’t have many good friends (especially here) and my book I cared so much about fucking crashed and burned and I put my fucking soul into that thing and it wasn’t good enough I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and then my chair crapped out and I was about to die and I cried for like an hour (I haven’t cried like that in like seven years – since before my friend died) but then I stopped crying cuz Leia’s Theme came on my shuffle and it gave me some hope so instead of crying I was yelling and then somebody busted open my front door
And she was literally an angel and just sweet and all my everything just washed away and everything was OK but now – it’s just – that distraction is fading away and I am facing my reality and…
As with every winter here, I am growing restless…
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Gore Reviews Magic: The Gathering – Duels of the Planeswalkers 2014
Release Date: June 26, 2013 Platforms: Microsoft Windows, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 (reviewed), iOS, Android
It is summer time and we know all know what that means. No, I’m not talking about burning alive in the hot sun or possible death from heat stroke. Well those are legitimately answers as well, but I’m talking specifically about a new Magic: The Gathering Duels of the Planeswalkers game. The Duels franchise is slowly turning into something akin to Madden or Call of Duty with its yearly releases and while a game like Magic should be able to pull this off (because it adds hundreds of new cards to the game each year and has thousands of cards from the past to tap into), let’s not jump the gun with an assumption like that so quickly.
Magic is a game I’ve grown very passionate about over the last couple of years and while my IRL play has been significantly cut down, I still follow the game very closely. Each year I very much look forward to getting my hands on the latest Duels game because it lets me play the game I love when I can’t get together with friends. So it’s unfortunate that I have to say this, but Duels 2014 doesn’t quite live up to expectations and the series may have finally peaked and be on the decline.
Like years past, the single player options consist of the usual campaign, revenge campaign, challenges, and custom free-for-all or two-head giant matches. This year the campaign has you working with Planeswalker Chandra Nalaar and traveling to various planes within Magic’s lore to collect items in order to track down the elusive Ramaz. As with the other Duels games, the story means very little and most probably won’t give it a second thought. Where I draw the biggest issue with the campaign is due to its focus on encounters, which play out almost exactly the same each time. This sort of kills what makes Magic so great, it’s unpredictability. This is just a minor complaint as these are still fun to work through in most cases. After completely a few of these encounters, you’ll face the “boss” of that particular plane and actually get to play a real game of Magic. Upon defeating this opponent you’ll unlock their deck, as well as the next plane.
One “feature” in the campaign that felt rather tacked on was the ability to battle Magic’s original five Planeswalkers (Ajani, Jace, Liliana, Chandra and Garruk). Within each plane you’ll be able to pick one of the five to do battle with and by defeating them, you’ll unlock their deck. This feature is so unintuitive that I didn’t even notice it was available until I was halfway through the campaign. What’s even worse is that two of the Planeswalkers’ (Chandra and Garruk) decks are unlocked from the beginning, so facing them feels almost pointless. Luckily the revenge campaign stacks these five Planeswalkers and all of the “bosses” from the campaign and into a progressive ladder with no story or encounter filler, making for a tougher and much more satisfying experience.
The challenges in each Duels game are something I always look forward to, but unfortunately 2014’s were completely underwhelming. Out of ten challenges only one of them even slightly posed a real challenge to complete. It was like the developers just felt it was necessary to put them in because they’ve been in the series from the beginning and then proceeded to half-ass the job. I’m all for beginner challenges that help new players learn certain mechanics and tricks the game offers, but having every challenge feel like “baby’s first Magic game” was really disappointing.
Arguably the most important part of any Magic game is the deck selection you have at your disposal. Unfortunately, this is another sore spot in Duels 2014 for me. Like most of the previous installments you’ll have 10 decks available (once you’ve completed the campaign or paid to unlock them) and each has 30 cards to unlock to help you develop more powerful strategies. In years past Stainless Games has struck a beautiful balance between each deck, but this year the balance (or lack thereof) was all over the place. There are two or three decks that are completely overpowered, a few mediocre decks, and a couple that are basically unplayable if you want to win. This is honestly the most disappointing issue with Duels 2014 as unlocking each card has always been something that I’ve found quite enjoyable, but I’ve found myself unable to consistently win with a couple decks (even battling AI on the easiest difficulty) and that has deterred me from continuing the pursuit.
This issue becomes even more glaring when you step into the world of multiplayer. This is where most players will probably spend most of their time with the game and from my experience it just isn’t fun like it was in years past. When everyone plays the same two overpowered decks, the variety and enjoyment plummets immensely. Add on top of that the fact that the Steam version of the game is running rampant with cheaters and hackers, which Stainless apparently has no desire to address or fix, and the fun, competitive online experience that some may be used to, just isn’t there in Duels 2014.
The biggest addition to Duels 2014 and perhaps the game’s saving grace is the introduction of sealed play. While the sealed play in Duels 2014 isn’t quite the same as you’d see in paper Magic, it’s still something new, different, and enjoyable. In 2014’s version of sealed play you’ll start with six booster packs, each with 14 cards, in which you use to create your own custom 40 card deck. Once you’ve opened your packs and built your deck you’ll get to play through the single player sealed campaign, which allows you to unlock an additional three booster packs to further enhance your deck. This is the first time you’ve ever been able to create your own deck in a Duels game, so this feels like a major step forward. Also worth noting is that you can finally adjust your lands as you see fit (even with the 10 pre-constructed decks) for the first time as well.
Duels 2014 comes stock with two sealed slots you can use for free, each with its own pool of six boosters and three more unlockable via the campaign. You also have the option to buy more slots for $2 each if you want to build more decks or just want to try and get a little luckier with your pool. Compared to IRL Magic, $2 for 9 boosters isn’t too shabby, especially if you plan to take your sealed decks online, which will greatly extend their life making the $2 investment far more worthwhile.
The online sealed play is a much more refreshing environment when compared to the pre-constructed online games. Here you’ll definitely see a much wider variety of decks and because of this, games feel far more competitive and unique. There’s still the pesky problem of cheaters and hackers (mostly on the Steam version) that are just out to ruin days. While I played on the 360 and didn’t experience any cheating (that I know of), it still seems worth noting if you’re looking into possibly purchasing the Steam version of the game.
Duels of the Planeswalkers 2014 is a completely solid and competent game when it comes to gameplay, presentation and mechanics, but there are a number of issues holding it back including its unbalanced pre-constructed decks and completely lackluster single player campaign and challenges. There is one shining light and that comes in the form of sealed play. If you’ve always wanted to build your on deck in a Duels game, you finally have that chance, although on a limited basis. So if you’re a fan of the Duels series or Magic in general, it’d be hard not to recommend this, but just know that Duels 2014 is somewhat lacking and definitely isn’t the best game in the franchise.
Score: 3 out of 5
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It’s Impossible to Write About Afrikaburn
But nothing is impossible…
I spent 11 days on the Tankwa Karoo of South Africa, a shale and sandy desert surrounded by flat-topped rocky mountains in the distance. I lived off of museli, peanut butter, apples, and water from a giant jug that tasted of plastic. I slept in a tiny tent, just large enough for my bag and me, and maybe visitors if they liked to be close and cuddly. I sang and I danced and I ran around free as could be. I took it fast and I took it slow and I breathed and I tried new things and I lived in color. I created. I got chapped lips, chaffed thighs, a fever from dehydration (yes, all my fault!), sore feet, broken sandals, and a perspective flipped upside down, then sideways, and maybe it will never be “right-side-up” again.
I wanted to travel the world and explore events. Burning Man has always appealed to me. An event where a society is built and then burnt away, no trace left behind. A place of radical expression and radical self-reliance. In the desert. Why would anyone want to do that?
Even though I am from California, I was never able to attend Burning Man because my university classes began in August and I had to at least pretend I was a good student! So here I was, years later, leaving Madagascar, traveling through Southern Africa, and there was a regional Burning Man event: Afrikaburn. I had to give it a whirl.
When I bought my ticket I decided to join a themed camp. I felt that it would be the best way to feel involved in the community. I would be a part of something. I would volunteer my time and be surrounded by artists and maybe some people who knew what they were doing. I joined the Flow Arts Commune. I did not know what Flow Arts was at the time, but I enjoyed each word individually:
Flow- I was looking for flow. I wanted to relax and go with the flow. I wanted to be in flow.
Arts- I wanted to immerse myself in art and creativity. I wanted to see colors flying in every direction. I wanted to be inspired.
Commune- I wanted community. I wanted to be a part of something.
I asked to join and the amazing organizer, Ryan, took me in and guided me along the way, telling me what I should prepare and do for the event. He was a life saver. I went up a few days early with Ryan and some of his friends so we could set up. This group: J, Ryan, and Monica, all South Africans, became my home at Afrikaburn. We were early to the event so we had a lot of time to bond and watch the city rise as more and more burners arrived each day in another fiery Sunrise and Sunset.
It turns out that Flow Arts are fire arts, poi arts (LED lights on the end of a string), and hula hooping arts. All crucial to an event like Afrikaburn. Flow Arts light up the night.
I was a sham. I was not a Flow Artist. I never even made time to learn how to do any of it in my 11 days. But I got to meet fire dancers and bond with them and learn about their lives and I became somewhat of a groupie. On the vast Playa at night, sparkling party lights and dance floors and colors could be seen for miles. And you can always spot the fire dancers. I followed the fire dancers. They would hop from stage to stage, all night, until the break of dawn, preforming their art. It lit up my life. It made a cold desert night seem warmer. I was in a kaleidoscope of fire.
All night the world was sparkling and we danced. (Like robots, because most of the music was Trance music).
Despite the magnificent glow of fire and el-wired humans bobbing around with their own vivid radiance, bringing a dark desert to life each night in an Alice in Wonderland-scape of caterpillar smoke rings, dancing lights, and Cheshire Cat smiles, daytime was actually my favorite time of Afrikaburn.
Every day was a new adventure. As someone put it, a “choose your own adventure” book.
To set the scene, there were dusty art pieces, some a few stories high: a shell, a baobab tree, a branched platform, shark fins, a temple, boxes, cameras, and hearts- all made of wood and brought to life. Most pieces were so large you could walk up or in them and see the world below, from the eyes of the creation. And they were all burned in the end.
There were “mutant” cars passing around. Funky, creative, clever. Whatever an imagination could bring to the table, it was there. I helped paint a light-up zebra car one day. It would “moo” whenever it passed its friends. There was a Spirit Train: a moving dance floor that would select a new home during the days and nights and showcase a plethora of D.J.s- most were pretty good.
There were colorful bicycles. Kicking up dust as they sped along with their flowers and streamers bopping in the wind.
There were themed camps of galactic colors. Some serving pancakes and others serving wine. Some with coloring books and some with instruments to play. There were swimming pools and orange juice and body artists.
All of this was lit up at night as well.
And the people. The people were their full selves. It seemed that everyone was wearing whatever they would wear if they could wear anything. And sometimes that was nothing at all. There were fairy skirts and top hats and steampunk gowns. There were tutus and dinosaur suits and capes. It was self-expression to the max. And apparently self expression to many men is the uniform of colorful leggings, a cowboy hat, a bandanna (to keep dust from the face), high boots, and they would be either vested or bear-chested. I guess this is the “look of the year.” I met a guy at the beginning of the week who dressed like this, and I was always able to spot him, until the weekend rolled around and it was a sea of skinny men all dressed the same. Sigh, the one that got away.
Each day my outfits slowly melted into nothing. I started off my 11 days in the desert, dressed in my usual clothes. I am traveling, so I didn’t have any of my funky costumes anyways. As the days passed, I got more colorful. I wore a tutu and a bikini. And then I took off my shirt and let a man paint a butterfly on my chest. I spent the rest of that day and night walking around as the butterfly slowly began to fly away and there was nothing there keeping me from the rest of the world. It was liberating.
The next day I just wore a piece of simple fabric. I went to one of the themed camps filled with nudists and it did not take long for the fabric to fall off and for my friends and me to start drawing designs on each other using body paint markers.
One of the principles of a Burn is “gifting.” All participants should try to give something, in some way to contribute to the community. I collected a lot of sweet trinkets and yummy food from people I met along the way because of this. My gifts were the gifts of volunteering and singing. These are both things I use to identify myself. I am literally a professional volunteer (2 years as a Peace Corps Volunteer gave me all I need). I volunteered in “Off Center Camp,” so I could learn more about the ins and outs of the event. I stuffed bags, painted furniture, greeted new arrivals by making them roll in the dirt. Then I hugged them and welcomed them home. I also tried out Rangering: walking around for a shift, making sure everyone and everything was okay. It was mostly just a great time to chat with my ranger partner who was a 67 year old man who has been to Burning Man 8 times and rangers no less than 65 hours each event.
Singing was not a hard gift to give. Everywhere I went I met people who wanted to sing with me, or would just sit back and let me go on my own. There was one theme camp with instruments. One day I went with a few friends. I started singing into the microphone some improvised “Afrikaburn Blues.” Throughout the afternoon musicians of all types stopped by to jam and we made improvisational blues for hours. It was amazing. And exhausting. I had to be really creative on the spot, but I channeled my inner Drunk Judy Garland and I think I gave a pretty entertaining show. People were recognizing me for days after this so I must have done something right.
Each day was a journey. I went to get pancakes at one camp and left with a new friend instead. I met people from all over the world and we talked about life, politics, culture, art- anything. I only had to defend myself against Trump a handful of times. People were sympathetic. We talked about race relations and how most attendees of Afrikaburn are middle-class white South Africans. It was something that bothered us all, especially because the farms surrounding the event were communities of African farmers who would not afford and most likely not even understand an event like this. Ultimately no one had any solutions to this problem. There is a clear cultural divide. It parallels the divide in the States, but it is more prominent and talked about here.
At the end of the event food and left over water from the giant jugs would be donated to local communities, but ultimately, what does that really do? I know my experience at Afrikaburn was not the “Africa” I was used to in Madagascar. But it was still African. White South Africans are just as African as White Americans are American. It is all occupied territory. And like always, I am conflicted as hell.
One of my biggest challenges in life is to live in the moment and let go. I feel like I am always planning the next step. My goal at Afrikaburn was to forget that and live. I think by the end of the week I had it down. Through a smorgasbord of new experiences, I was getting better at not putting pressure on myself and just being. Just doing what I felt like doing. There was no wrong turn to take at Afrikaburn. Every environment was stimulating and inspiring in some way.
I spent most of the time hopping between groups of friends I had made. I liked meeting new people, but I always crave a deeper connection (I am alone a lot!) so when I met people I clicked really well with, I tried to keep them in my peripheral. It worked really well!. I had multiple homes at Afrikaburn. There was so much love. I tried to just be carefree and give all the love I had. And make people feel warm and comfortable around me.
On one of the last nights, I was pooped and I ended up falling asleep early. I think it was my 9th night there and I was starting to get really reflective. It was the Saturday night where weekend partiers had come in and most people would stay up until noon the following day. I went to sleep early and woke up in time for the 5am burning of the Baobab Tree. The Baobab Tree or Tree of Life was a massive tree funded by the Swedish Government. An army of builders came months before the event to create it. The tree had been a wonderful place to hang out throughout the event, to watch the world, to watch the sunset or the sunrise. And it was now time to burn it all away.
At 4:30 am I heard some of my other friends in camp getting up to head to the tree. It was dark and oddly enough I wanted to go alone. So I slipped away before anyone could see I was around. I crossed the desert and sat on the rocky terrain, surrounded by fellow burners -all strangers this time. I did not talk to anyone. I just watched the fire dancers and waited for the Swedes to take their torches to their masterpiece.
Once the tree was aflame, the fire grew into an explosion and lit up the whole Playa. I looked around and could see the expressions on the faces of people near and far. It was hot and I felt my face melting but I couldn’t look away as the embers began to fall all around us.
Eventually I turned around to walk away, hoping to cross back to my tent before the firelight dimmed so I would not have to use a flashlight. I turned around periodically to watch it glow.
As my sore feet crossed the sandy earth, I had an epiphany. I realized I was completely satisfied with my Afrikaburn Experience. I had done all I wanted and hoped to do. My mind had been widened. I was so inspired. Even though I was surrounded by friends, I felt comfortable being alone (in general I do not like being alone). In fact, I realized what a gift it was that I have spent these last three and a half years traveling and living abroad relatively alone. I felt empowered. I felt like I could do anything. I was reinvigorated to write music and perform more. I was reinvigorated to travel alone in other African countries.
The event wound down over the course of the next few days. I saw the people I cared about and made sure to exchange information. There was no internet in the desert. I watched people dismantle their camps, and I felt a tinge of sadness. Something I’d become a part of was going away. It was over.
For my last night, I tied a string I’d been wearing on my wrist since Madagascar inside the Conch Shell. Hours later I watched the shell burn away with a piece of my past sizzling along with it.
There was a rainbow the next morning and I left Afrikaburn with my South African friends. I was still high on life. A phoenix of sorts. I was half-dead but I’d never felt more alive.
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Olicity Drabble 5x17 ~Holding
Sometimes the hardest tests bring about the greatest gifts. This episode while emotionally heart-wrenching was also an amazing gift. This is just me hoping for an Olicity scene even it it wasn’t needed. (Gif: not mine)
“Darkness doesn’t just happen...
Like a endless nightmare darkness spreads through you slowly like a disease. At first the changes are slight and go unnoticed. But eventually the snow of the cold winter melts and, the scars of it’s punishing season are forever left behind...”
Felicity let those words spread through her slowly like the very disease she feared would soon consume her. Seeing the blood along his open wounds for her was like looking in a mirror. His beaten battered body felt like a true reflection of her soul. Hearing him declare he was done sent shivers of cold relief through her rigid spine because, for once she didn’t feel that she’d emotionally been left behind. For once his soul, heart, mind and, body clearly matched her own...
The elevator doors slid together slowly, the room seemed to grow colder now that only their two shattered hearts remained. She heard his shuffled steps along the cold, unforgiving floors as she let her fingers dance slowly over the worn keys. She tried to shut down the world around her body as her eyes danced along the faded E. She heard him wince when his fingers slid down the side of the gray and green walls. Her heart thumped in agony as her thumb brushed over the worn space bar numbly.
She fought to stay quiet, she yearned for the solace of empty spaces and hard, cold machines and, yet she yearned for so much more. He yelped when he attempted to sit on the small, steel stool. The evidence of his ordeal made his breathing sound harsh and rattled. She licked her lips slowly, the worry lines along her eyes began to burn at the corners of her vision as her soul began to physically ache.
“I...I can help you know,” she rattled nervously when she could no longer stand to hear him groan in agony.
She didn’t expect an answer, hell she’d be relived if he’d simply grunt; so it surprised her when he actually replied.
“Fine but, then you need to go...”
She pivoted her chair, her elbows fell over the unforgiving armrests as she slid her palms over her upper arms. Her eyes traveled dangerously over his upper torso. Her chest ached, her heart thudded and, her eyes stung when a single lone tear fell down the line of her left cheek. “I don’t know why you’re pushing me away but, for once I won’t question it..” she confessed mournfully.
His slight head tilt let her know he’d heard her. “Thank you for that,” he gently if not somberly remarked as his shoulders slouched.
“It’s a one time offer,” she commented from her seat, “I’ll let you have this moment but, soon we’ll both have to once more walk in the light,” she concluded with the distance between them beginning to grow.
“I’ll never walk in anything more than utter darkness Felicity...” he rambled. “Hell maybe I never did...” he began to confess before his lips sealed themselves into two hard, unforgiving lines.
Hearing that her forehead furrowed. She stood slowly, her body felt raw, timid and cold as she moved along the raised platform. His slumped shoulders and downcast eyes made him seem more than broken, it made him seem small. She kept her arms folded along her chest. Her fingertips burned at the thought of not tending to him as his body bled. “Oliver what did he do to you?” she asked painfully while also breaking her promise. She felt both of their weary souls sigh when she came to stand before him.
Blood tingled spit landed over the hard cement floors when he breathed painfully, “I thought you were letting this go...”
She closed her eyes, “I was until I closed my eyes and images of your puckered, burned flesh flashed through my mind,” she finally swallowed.
He sounded broken, beaten and changed as he quietly mulled over the posed question. He first supplied a small, “Felicity please I can’t...”
She charged back with a timid, “I can feel the change in you Oliver, I can feel your pain so please give me something.”
The connection they never broached remained strong while they both felt incredibly small and surprisingly weak. Her stomach rolled when she heard another painful gasp emanate through his chest, “You asked for my trust so I need yours as well,” he begged with his brandished words.
She gulped when she regretfully recalled asking for the same thing. Her forced, “Fair enough,“ was given with the knowledge that she’d never tell him how far she’d gone just to find him.
His shrug made him wince, her heart ached when he ran his bruised and, battered hands over the nape of his neck. His words were hallow, empty and, lacking anything referencing hope when he sternly croaked, “He simply wanted me to be my true self...”
She stepped forward holding his olive branch within her heart. He leaned forward so the crown of his head was mere millimeters from her abdomen. She cocked her head and bit at her lower lip, his body began to shake like he’d been buried alive in a ten feet of unforgiving snow. She felt her hands sliding down her arms until her fingers were along her hips. He let out a gnarled cry, as his hands slid forward through his dirty, disheveled hair. She nearly sobbed when his cracked knuckles passed down over his dead eyes. She out of instinct began to reach for his shoulders, he instinctively leaned closer.
Felicity croaked, “Oliver please....” as she carefully grazed her fingers along the small scratches of his upper shoulders. “Please just tell me how to help you...” she urged with tears tumbling roughly down her face.
He pressed the crown of his head along her navel and let her gently press her fingers along the small stretch of un-bruised skin. His wrecked body sought the warmth of her comfort when she felt his fingers gripping along the angles of her hips. His strong touch was weakened; his battered wrists rubbed along her pelvic bone as his parted lips brushed along her dress. She felt his gnarled emotions pouring through her when his body sputtered beneath her gentle touch. She felt the heat of his tears, and the short, rapid draw of his breathes over the fabric of her black dress. She felt his body giving out when she gently wound her fingers through his hair.
He wept almost soundlessly with the crown of his head buried along her abdomen, “Don’t leave me Felicity, don’t ever leave me...”
Something inside her soul broke. She knew he’d eventually take it back but, she didn’t regret it when she quietly cried, “Never...”
She wrapped her arms softly around his head then bent her chin to her chest while he slowly began to pull her forward. She moved on impulse with ease as his once strong arms engulfed her in a mournful embrace. She let him hold her like a life preserver while the night worn on around them.
The harsh light of day would soon break them once more. She’d tend to his wounds while he found a way to enact his vengeance. She’d continue to walk alone along her deadly chosen path while he began to venture down his own downward spiral.
She knew their day of reckoning was near and, still it didn’t stop her from holding or even needing him, nor did it stop him from holding or needing her...
Tagging: @emmaamelia95 @pleasantfanandstudent @coal000 @memcjo @lesanchea @mrsbubblelee @olicitylovemaking @miriam1779 @love2luvyyou @almondblossomme @diggo26 @rivaroma @cjjingram @vaelisamaza @befitandchase @pimsiepim @andjustforthismoment @anonymiss118 @thelockpickingvictorian @yet-i-remain-quiet @lexi9515 @kathrynelizabeth89 @marniforolicity @marytagus @myhauntedblacksoul @myuntetheredsoul @blondiegrl00 @independent-fics @felicity-said--yes @relativelyobsessedfangirl @i-m-a-fan-world @mel-loves-all @somewhatinvisible @danski15 @stygian-omada-fan @malafle @emilyp05 @oliverfel4 @alemap74 @vicky-vale @charlinert @hope-for-olicity @missafairy @arrows-4ever @jaspertown @sweetzcupcake @captainolicitysbedroom @nalla-madness @smoakingarrow19 @bwangangelic @ccdimples88 @lalawo1 @yespleasehawkeye @ireland1733 @quiveringbunny @scu11y22 @detbensonsvu1 @tdgal1 @cinfos @xxliveyourlife @onceuponarrow @supersillyanddorky06
#arrow#arrow fic#olicity#olicity fic#drabble#short fic#added scene#filler#oliver and felicity#season 5#5x17#angst#truth
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MEET THE DESIGNER CORRINA GOUTOS
Corrina, please introduce yourself and your label.
I am a jewelry and object artist born and raised in Upstate New York, now based in Hamburg, Germany. Although a piece of my heart still resides in Berlin, where I first landed ship nearly 4 years ago. I graduated with a BA in Jewelry and Objects from the Savannah College of Art and Design and immediately moved to Berlin-where I founded my practice.
My work is heavily inspired by the fluctuation between things man-made and things natural - a boundary that proves evermore transient and hard to define. I am interested in the temporary and the long-term relationships we have with the objects around us; from the mundane plastic coffee cup to the most sacred family heirloom. I trill in reading the unfinished stories of these objects abandoned in urban environments or at flea markets.
As a creative what stood out for you in Berlin?
Berlin was a goldmine for me for this reason; a texture bomb of painted, bannered surfaces, colourful personalities, borderline hoarders and unapologetic black sheep. Going on a walk was the best way to get inspired. The ideas piled up but slowly the possibilities got narrower.
Living in middle Weserstraße Neukölln working out of my 11sq meter bedroom - unable to find a decent studio; great project ideas started getting ruled out real fast. Can’t wake the whole apartment building with my brutal dentistry noises anymore, don’t have a car to transport that, can I install ‘Stark Strom’ in the basement and run my machines there!?
I needed to grow and I had a very expansive offer standing idle from my lovely boyfriend. A 300 plus year old straw-roof farmhouse on the outskirts of Hamburg that he and his brother jumped on 10 years ago due to the rarity of these things coming on the market. Already equipped with a full wood and metal working workshop, it wasn’t long till my dream studio was unfolding before my eyes. One year later and I have 5 chickens, a garden, and a million new restoration skills.
You now live in the countryside, has the change of scenery influenced your work in any way?
There is no doubt my productivity has also improved from the increase in focus. The urban and consumerist themes remain strong in my work, but that has been a constant since the first art pieces I have made. What’s different now is my perspective - as an observer, no longer knee deep in the buy-o-sphere rather, as a person much closer to living a self-sufficient life.
Although I won’t claim to be free from temptation, I see that my art has taken on a more pure, refined style - ridded with the myriad of influences; stripped down to the essentials - like my life has. The freedom to make messes and noise at any hour has led me to do a lot more experimenting.
Do you have a favourite material for sculpting your pieces?
At the moment my favourite technique is still “lost wax casting” where pieces are sculpted in wax, set in ceramic, burned out and then metal is cast into the ceramic making a 1:1 cast of the wax model.
Wax is a remarkable material with many diverse properties that make it my favourite to work with. I experiment with just about every type of wax there is on the market. Silver is my second, a beautiful material no doubt - a soft, skin-friendly metal that once you get to know it - it starts working for you!
Do you have any specific inspirations/processes when you start a new collection?
I don’t use moodboards as I make or design because I feel they limit the wider pool from which I draw inspiration. Since I enjoy the end product to be a fusion of the aesthetic, I desire plus a good dose of the accidental; the spontaneity of the material often ends up being more interesting than anything I can sketch out or imagine.
Regardless I start every collection with a sequence that starts with word mapping: in which I translate usually psychological/social themes (my inspiration) into visually descriptive adjectives. This helps me think more abstract and see new associations and build metaphors into the collection’s aesthetic. From there I do many sketches and at the same time experimenting with materials and techniques that help me achieve the feeling of these adjectives.
From the strongest samples I create objects and sculptures, and finally I distill the objects into wearable work - taking the details I found most interesting and translating them into small pieces of adornment that travel the world with their wearers! I also take many photos around the urban environment, which are integral to my overall design thinking process.
I love the combinations of things that end up in the trash or on the streets.The collaboration of people and places and times that we see intercepting in the urban environment every day. It’s Ironic, beautiful and loaded with fun juxtapositions and interesting silhouettes.
Do you create for a certain persona? If so, please describe them.
I do not create for a certain person currently. I generally try to achieve the most unisex products possible. But as I stated, the concept and material play dictate most of the end product’s appearance. If I had a dream client though - it would definitely be Iris Apfel and all of her Advanced Style friends. She is fabulous and I would be honoured to adorn her with my work!
What’s the best compliment/description/comment someone has given your designs?
I definitely am still glowing from my best compliment and that was a month ago in Munich for Munich Jewelry Week, a.k.a. Mecca for Art Jewelers; a huge citywide exhibition with the best of the best from world-wide on display.
Somehow I found myself in a casual conversation one-on-one with a legend - one of the founders of Art Jewelry, Ruddt Peters - and of course an Idol of mine. His eyes went immediately to my brooch (the silver one listed in my favourites on top) and he told me he had never seen anything like it and I must continue with this.
One month later turns out he was the guest judge for an exhibition I entered and he saw that brooch in print and picked out my application first for the “definitely in” pile. The creator of the event wrote me asking if I knew him, because he couldn’t have believed I made such a strong impression on him in the 2 minutes we spoke in Munich!
Tell us about more about your current collection.
Corrina’s current collection - “Self-Made”is a series of remnants of Generation Z’s search for permanence in an attention-deficit-disorder society. Also known as the ‘Me’ Generation or ‘Selfie’ Generation-Z’s have mastered the catered image of self. They design the face they will present to the world; they build a platform on which to receive praise and filter criticism. They are beautiful but lacking in depth - a fragile façade.
The pieces reference cheap modern mass production, but are constructed with materials associated with luxury and employ high handcraft technique. Handled with neurotic, obsessive control of the material to fit our desires - yet they remain distinctly human. “Self-Made” is a souvenir to this era of indifferent indulgence; a contemporary artefact to commemorate the modern consumer and his/her many short lived personalities.
Your current collection is gorgeous. Is there anything you could tell us about the next one?
Another fun thing about being an artist and not a designer is only I decide when it is time for the next collection. There are no rules about trending or seasons that dictate my work - I move on when I feel the idea is exhausted or has met its fullest potential. Some concepts are really rich and I can develop them for years: allowing them to transform aesthetically far from the first few samples.
These are the ideas I hope for - they allow a degree of mastership in a technique and allow me to clarify my idea and visual signature. My current collection “Self-Made” continues to excite me, so you will all have to stay tuned to see what new faces it takes on. I can say that I am playing with many alternative materials at the moment which I hope to incorporate - such as papier-mâché and electroforming on clay.
Can you tell us about any exciting plans for the year ahead?
In the next year there is lots in the works! As I just mentioned I was accepted into an esteemed Art Jewelry Exhibition - that will take place next month - in May, in Bucharest, Romania. I am also working on collaboration with a very talented digital mapping and 3-D printing artist that I hope we will be seeing some pieces from in summer. As well as I am planning to open small group- bed and breakfast style weekend jewelry courses out of our country home! Partners could make an engagement ring for one another, or bring a friend learn some basics in jewelry construction with me! Interested people can e-mail me for more information on signing up - [email protected]
https://www.instagram.com/corrinagoutos/
https://www.facebook.com/corrinagoutosjewelry/
http://corrinagoutos.com/
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Acres of Diamonds
New Post has been published on https://selfhelpqa.com/acres-of-diamonds/
Acres of Diamonds
ACRES OF DIAMONDS
by
Russell H. Conwell
WHEN going down the Tigris and Euphrates rivers many years ago with a party of English travelers I found myself under the direction of an old Arab guide whom we hired up at Bagdad, and I have often thought how that guide resembled our barbers in certain mental characteristics. He thought that it was not only his duty to guide us down those rivers, and do what he was paid for doing, but also to entertain us with stories curious and weird, ancient and modern, strange and familiar. Many of them I have forgotten, and I am glad I have, but there is one I shall never forget.
The old guide was leading my camel by its halter along the banks of those ancient rivers, and he told me story after story until I grew weary of his story-telling and ceased to listen. I have never been irritated with that guide when he lost his temper as I ceased listening. But I remember that he took off his Turkish cap and swung it in a circle to get my attention. I could see it through the corner of my eye, but I determined not to look straight at him for fear he would tell another story. But although I am not a woman, I did finally look, and as soon as I did he went right into another story.
Said he, “I will tell you a story now which I reserve for my particular friends.” When he emphasized the words “particular friends,” I listened, and I have ever been glad I did. I really feel devoutly thankful, that there are 1,674 young men who have been carried through college by this lecture who are also glad that I did listen. The old guide told me that there once lived not far from the River Indus an ancient Persian by the name of Ali Hafed. He said that Ali Hafed owned a very large farm, that he had orchards, grain-fields, and gardens; that he had money at interest, and was a wealthy and contented man. He was contented because he was wealthy, and wealthy because he was contented. One day there visited that old Persian farmer one of these ancient Buddhist priests, one of the wise men of the East. He sat down by the fire and told the old farmer how this world of ours was made. He said that this world was once a mere bank of fog, and that the Almighty thrust His finger into this bank of fog, and began slowly to move His finger around, increasing the speed until at last He whirled this bank of fog into a solid ball of fire. Then it went rolling through the universe, burning its way through other banks of fog, and condensed the moisture without, until it fell in floods of rain upon its hot surface, and cooled the outward crust. Then the internal fires bursting outward through the crust threw up the mountains and hills, the valleys, the plains and prairies of this wonderful world of ours. If this internal molten mass came bursting out and cooled very quickly it became granite; less quickly copper, less quickly silver, less quickly gold, and, after gold, diamonds were made.
Said the old priest, “A diamond is a congealed drop of sunlight.” Now that is literally scientifically true, that a diamond is an actual deposit of carbon from the sun. The old priest told Ali Hafed that if he had one diamond the size of his thumb he could purchase the county, and if he had a mine of diamonds he could place his children upon thrones through the influence of their great wealth.
Ali Hafed heard all about diamonds, how much they were worth, and went to his bed that night a poor man. He had not lost anything, but he was poor because he was discontented, and discontented because he feared he was poor. He said, “I want a mine of diamonds,” and he lay awake all night.
Early in the morning he sought out the priest. I know by experience that a priest is very cross when awakened early in the morning, and when he shook that old priest out of his dreams, Ali Hafed said to him:
“Will you tell me where I can find diamonds?”
“Diamonds! What do you want with diamonds?” “Why, I wish to be immensely rich.” “Well, then, go along and find them. That is all you have to do; go and find them, and then you have them.” “But I don’t know where to go.” “Well, if you will find a river that runs through white sands, between high mountains, in those white sands you will always find diamonds.” “I don’t believe there is any such river.” “Oh yes, there are plenty of them. All you have to do is to go and find them, and then you have them.” Said Ali Hafed, “I will go.”
So he sold his farm, collected his money, left his family in charge of a neighbor, and away he went in search of diamonds. He began his search, very properly to my mind, at the Mountains of the Moon. Afterward he came around into Palestine, then wandered on into Europe, and at last when his money was all spent and he was in rags, wretchedness, and poverty, he stood on the shore of that bay at Barcelona, in Spain, when a great tidal wave came rolling in between the pillars of Hercules, and the poor, afflicted, suffering, dying man could not resist the awful temptation to cast himself into that incoming tide, and he sank beneath its foaming crest, never to rise in this life again. When that old guide had told me that awfully sad story he stopped the camel I was riding on and went back to fix the baggage that was coming off another camel, and I had an opportunity to muse over his story while he was gone. I remember saying to myself, “Why did he reserve that story for his ‘particular friends’?” There seemed to be no beginning, no middle, no end, nothing to it. That was the first story I had ever heard told in my life, and would be the first one I ever read, in which the hero was killed in the first chapter. I had but one chapter of that story, and the hero was dead.
When the guide came back and took up the halter of my camel, he went right ahead with the story, into the second chapter, just as though there had been no break. The man who purchased Ali Hafed’s farm one day led his camel into the garden to drink, and as that camel put its nose into the shallow water of that garden brook, Ali Hafed’s successor noticed a curious flash of light from the white sands of the stream. He pulled out a black stone having an eye of light reflecting all the hues of the rainbow. He took the pebble into the house and put it on the mantel which covers the central fires, and forgot all about it.
A few days later this same old priest came in to visit Ali Hafed’s successor, and the moment he opened that drawing-room door he saw that flash of light on the mantel, and he rushed up to it, and shouted: “Here is a diamond! Has Ali Hafed returned?” “Oh no, Ali Hafed has not returned, and that is not a diamond. That is nothing but a stone we found right out here in our own garden.” “But,” said the priest, “I tell you I know a diamond when I see it. I know positively that is a diamond.”
Then together they rushed out into that old garden and stirred up the white sands with their fingers, and lo! there came up other more beautiful and valuable gems than the first. “Thus,” said the guide to me, and, friends, it is historically true, “was discovered the diamond-mine of Golconda, the most magnificent diamond-mine in all the history of mankind, excelling the Kimberly itself. The Kohinoor, and the Orloff of the crown jewels of England and Russia, the largest on earth, came from that mine.”
When that old Arab guide told me the second chapter of his story, he then took off his Turkish cap and swung it around in the air again to get my attention to the moral. Those Arab guides have morals to their stories, although they are not always moral. As he swung his hat, he said to me, “Had Ali Hafed remained at home and dug in his own cellar, or underneath his own wheat-fields, or in his own garden, instead of wretchedness, starvation, and death by suicide in a strange land, he would have had ‘acres of diamonds.’ For every acre of that old farm, yes, every shovelful, afterward revealed gems which since have decorated the crowns of monarchs.”
When he had added the moral to his story I saw why he reserved it for “his particular friends.” But I did not tell him I could see it. It was that mean old Arab’s way of going around a thing like a lawyer, to say indirectly what he did not dare say directly, that “in his private opinion there was a certain young man then traveling down the Tigris River that might better be at home in America.” I did not tell him I could see that, but I told him his story reminded me of one, and I told it to him quick, and I think I will tell it to you.
I told him of a man out in California in 1847 who owned a ranch. He heard they had discovered gold in southern California, and so with a passion for gold he sold his ranch to Colonel Sutter, and away he went, never to come back. Colonel Sutter put a mill upon a stream that ran through that ranch, and one day his little girl brought some wet sand from the raceway into their home and sifted it through her fingers before the fire, and in that falling sand a visitor saw the first shining scales of real gold that were ever discovered in California. The man who had owned that ranch wanted gold, and he could have secured it for the mere taking. Indeed, thirty-eight millions of dollars has been taken out of a very few acres since then. About eight years ago I delivered this lecture in a city that stands on that farm, and they told me that a one-third owner for years and years had been getting one hundred and twenty dollars in gold every fifteen minutes, sleeping or waking, without taxation. You and I would enjoy an income like that–if we didn’t have to pay an income tax. But a better illustration really than that occurred here in our own Pennsylvania. If there is anything I enjoy above another on the platform, it is to get one of these German audiences in Pennsylvania before me, and fire that at them, and I enjoy it to-night. There was a man living in Pennsylvania, not unlike some Pennsylvanians you have seen, who owned a farm, and he did with that farm just what I should do with a farm if I owned one in Pennsylvania–he sold it. But before he sold it he decided to secure employment collecting coal-oil for his cousin, who was in the business in Canada, where they first discovered oil on this continent. They dipped it from the running streams at that early time. So this Pennsylvania farmer wrote to his cousin asking for employment. You see, friends, this farmer was not altogether a foolish man. No, he was not. He did not leave his farm until he had something else to do. _*Of all the simpletons the stars shine on I don’t know of a worse one than the man who leaves one job before he has gotten another_. That has especial reference to my profession, and has no reference whatever to a man seeking a divorce. When he wrote to his cousin for employment, his cousin replied, “I cannot engage you because you know nothing about the oil business.”
Well, then the old farmer said, “I will know,” and with most commendable zeal (characteristic of the students of Temple University) he set himself at the study of the whole subject. He began away back at the second day of God’s creation when this world was covered thick and deep with that rich vegetation which since has turned to the primitive beds of coal. He studied the subject until he found that the drainings really of those rich beds of coal furnished the coal-oil that was worth pumping, and then he found how it came up with the living springs. He studied until he knew what it looked like, smelled like, tasted like, and how to refine it. Now said he in his letter to his cousin, “I understand the oil business.” His cousin answered, “All right, come on.”
So he sold his farm, according to the county record, for $833 (even money, “no cents”). He had scarcely gone from that place before the man who purchased the spot went out to arrange for the watering of the cattle. He found the previous owner had gone out years before and put a plank across the brook back of the barn, edgewise into the surface of the water just a few inches. The purpose of that plank at that sharp angle across the brook was to throw over to the other bank a dreadful-looking scum through which the cattle would not put their noses. But with that plank there to throw it all over to one side, the cattle would drink below, and thus that man who had gone to Canada had been himself damming back for twenty-three years a flood of coal-oil which the state geologists of Pennsylvania declared to us ten years later was even then worth a hundred millions of dollars to our state, and four years ago our geologist declared the discovery to be worth to our state a thousand millions of dollars. The man who owned that territory on which the city of Titusville now stands, and those Pleasantville valleys, had studied the subject from the second day of God’s creation clear down to the present time. He studied it until he knew all about it, and yet he is said to have sold the whole of it for $833, and again I say, “no sense.”
But I need another illustration. I found it in Massachusetts, and I am sorry I did because that is the state I came from. This young man in Massachusetts furnishes just another phase of my thought. He went to Yale College and studied mines and mining, and became such an adept as a mining engineer that he was employed by the authorities of the university to train students who were behind their classes. During his senior year he earned $15 a week for doing that work. When he graduated they raised his pay from $15 to $45 a week, and offered him a professorship, and as soon as they did he went right home to his mother.
_*If they had raised that boy’s pay from $15 to $15.60 he would have stayed and been proud of the place, but when they put it up to $45 at one leap, he said, “Mother, I won’t work for $45 a week. The idea of a man with a brain like mine working for $45 a week!_ Let’s go out in California and stake out gold-mines and silver-mines, and be immensely rich.”
Said his mother, “Now, Charlie, it is just as well to be happy as it is to be rich.”
“Yes,” said Charlie, “but it is just as well to be rich and happy, too.” And they were both right about it. As he was an only son and she a widow, of course he had his way. They always do. They sold out in Massachusetts, and instead of going to California they went to Wisconsin, where he went into the employ of the Superior Copper Mining Company at $15 a week again, but with the proviso in his contract that he should have an interest in any mines he should discover for the company. I don’t believe he ever discovered a mine, and if I am looking in the face of any stockholder of that copper company you wish he had discovered something or other. I have friends who are not here because they could not afford a ticket, who did have stock in that company at the time this young man was employed there. This young man went out there, and I have not heard a word from him. I don’t know what became of him, and I don’t know whether he found any mines or not, but I don’t believe he ever did.
But I do know the other end of the line. He had scarcely gotten out of the old homestead before the succeeding owner went out to dig potatoes. The potatoes were already growing in the ground when he bought the farm, and as the old farmer was bringing in a basket of potatoes it hugged very tight between the ends of the stone fence. You know in Massachusetts our farms are nearly all stone wall. There you are obliged to be very economical of front gateways in order to have some place to put the stone. When that basket hugged so tight he set it down on the ground, and then dragged on one side, and pulled on the other side, and as he was dragging that basket through this farmer noticed in the upper and outer corner of that stone wall, right next the gate, a block of native silver eight inches square. That professor of mines, mining, and mineralogy who knew so much about the subject that he would not work for $45 a week, when he sold that homestead in Massachusetts sat right on that silver to make the bargain. He was born on that homestead, was brought up there, and had gone back and forth rubbing the stone with his sleeve until it reflected his countenance, and seemed to say, “Here is a hundred thousand dollars right down here just for the taking.” But he would not take it. It was in a home in Newburyport, Massachusetts, and there was no silver there, all away off–well, I don’t know where, and he did not, but somewhere else, and he was a professor of mineralogy.
My friends, that mistake is very universally made, and why should we even smile at him. I often wonder what has become of him. I do not know at all, but I will tell you what I “guess” as a Yankee. I guess that he sits out there by his fireside to-night with his friends gathered around him, and he is saying to them something like this: “Do you know that man Conwell who lives in Philadelphia?” “Oh yes, I have heard of him.” “Do you know that man Jones that lives in Philadelphia?” “Yes, I have heard of him, too.”
Then he begins to laugh, and shakes his sides and says to his friends, “Well, they have done just the same thing I did, precisely”–and that spoils the whole joke, for you and I have done the same thing he did, and while we sit here and laugh at him he has a better right to sit out there and laugh at us. I know I have made the same mistakes, but, of course, that does not make any difference, because we don’t expect the same man to preach and practise, too.
As I come here to-night and look around this audience I am seeing again what through these fifty years I have continually seen-men that are making precisely that same mistake. I often wish I could see the younger people, and would that the Academy had been filled to-night with our high-school scholars and our grammar-school scholars, that I could have them to talk to. While I would have preferred such an audience as that, because they are most susceptible, as they have not grown up into their prejudices as we have, they have not gotten into any custom that they cannot break, they have not met with any failures as we have; and while I could perhaps do such an audience as that more good than I can do grown-up people, yet I will do the best I can with the material I have. I say to you that you have “acres of diamonds” in Philadelphia right where you now live. “Oh,” but you will say, “you cannot know much about your city if you think there are any ‘acres of diamonds’ here.”
I was greatly interested in that account in the newspaper of the young man who found that diamond in North Carolina. It was one of the purest diamonds that has ever been discovered, and it has several predecessors near the same locality. I went to a distinguished professor in mineralogy and asked him where he thought those diamonds came from. The professor secured the map of the geologic formations of our continent, and traced it. He said it went either through the underlying carboniferous strata adapted for such production, westward through Ohio and the Mississippi, or in more probability came eastward through Virginia and up the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. It is a fact that the diamonds were there, for they have been discovered and sold; and that they were carried down there during the drift period, from some northern locality. Now who can say but some person going down with his drill in Philadelphia will find some trace of a diamond-mine yet down here? Oh, friends! you cannot say that you are not over one of the greatest diamond-mines in the world, for such a diamond as that only comes from the most profitable mines that are found on earth. But it serves simply to illustrate my thought, which I emphasize by saying if you do not have the actual diamond-mines literally you have all that they would be good for to you. Because now that the Queen of England has given the greatest compliment ever conferred upon American woman for her attire because she did not appear with any jewels at all at the late reception in England, it has almost done away with the use of diamonds anyhow. All you would care for would be the few you would wear if you wish to be modest, and the rest you would sell for money.
Now then, I say again that the opportunity to get rich, to attain unto great wealth, is here in Philadelphia now, within the reach of almost every man and woman who hears me speak to-night, and I mean just what I say. I have not come to this platform even under these circumstances to recite something to you. I have come to tell you what in God’s sight I believe to be the truth, and if the years of life have been of any value to me in the attainment of common sense, I know I am right; that the men and women sitting here, who found it difficult perhaps to buy a ticket to this lecture or gathering to-night, have within their reach “acres of diamonds,” opportunities to get largely wealthy. There never was a place on earth more adapted than the city of Philadelphia to-day, and never in the history of the world did a poor man without capital have such an opportunity to get rich quickly and honestly as he has now in our city. I say it is the truth, and I want you to accept it as such; for if you think I have come to simply recite something, then I would better not be here. I have no time to waste in any such talk, but to say the things I believe, and unless some of you get richer for what I am saying to-night my time is wasted.
I say that you ought to get rich, and it is your duty to get rich. How many of my pious brethren say to me, “Do you, a Christian minister, spend your time going up and down the country advising young people to get rich, to get money?” “Yes, of course I do.” They say, “Isn’t that awful! Why don’t you preach the gospel instead of preaching about man’s making money?” “Because to make money honestly is to preach the gospel.” That is the reason. The men who get rich may be the most honest men you find in the community.
“Oh,” but says some young man here to-night, “I have been told all my life that if a person has money he is very dishonest and dishonorable and mean and contemptible.” My friend, that is the reason why you have none, because you have that idea of people. The foundation of your faith is altogether false. Let me say here clearly, and say it briefly, though subject to discussion which I have not time for here, ninety-eight out of one hundred of the rich men of America are honest. That is why they are rich. That is why they are trusted with money. That is why they carry on great enterprises and find plenty of people to work with them. It is because they are honest men.
Says another young man, “I hear sometimes of men that get millions of dollars dishonestly.” Yes, of course you do, and so do I. But they are so rare a thing in fact that the newspapers talk about them all the time as a matter of news until you get the idea that all the other rich men got rich dishonestly.
My friend, you take and drive me–if you furnish the auto–out into the suburbs of Philadelphia, and introduce me to the people who own their homes around this great city, those beautiful homes with gardens and flowers, those magnificent homes so lovely in their art, and I will introduce you to the very best people in character as well as in enterprise in our city, and you know I will. A man is not really a true man until he owns his own home, and they that own their homes are made more honorable and honest and pure, and true and economical and careful, by owning the home.
For a man to have money, even in large sums, is not an inconsistent thing. We preach against covetousness, and you know we do, in the pulpit, and oftentimes preach against it so long and use the terms about “filthy lucre” so extremely that Christians get the idea that when we stand in the pulpit we believe it is wicked for any man to have money–until the collection-basket goes around, and then we almost swear at the people because they don’t give more money. Oh, the inconsistency of such doctrines as that! Money is power, and you ought to be reasonably ambitious to have it. You ought because you can do more good with it than you could without it. Money printed your Bible, money builds your churches, money sends your missionaries, and money pays your preachers, and you would not have many of them, either, if you did not pay them. I am always willing that my church should raise my salary, because the church that pays the largest salary always raises it the easiest. You never knew an exception to it in your life. The man who gets the largest salary can do the most good with the power that is furnished to him. Of course he can if his spirit be right to use it for what it is given to him.
I say, then, you ought to have money. If you can honestly attain unto riches in Philadelphia, it is your Christian and godly duty to do so. It is an awful mistake of these pious people to think you must be awfully poor in order to be pious.
Some men say, “Don’t you sympathize with the poor people?” Of course I do, or else I would not have been lecturing these years. I won’t give in but what I sympathize with the poor, but the number of poor who are to be sympathized with is very small. To sympathize with a man whom God has punished for his sins, thus to help him when God would still continue a just punishment, is to do wrong, no doubt about it, and we do that more than we help those who are deserving. While we should sympathize with God’s poor–that is, those who cannot help themselves–let us remember there is not a poor person in the United States who was not made poor by his own shortcomings, or by the shortcomings of some one else. It is all wrong to be poor, anyhow. Let us give in to that argument and pass that to one side.
A gentleman gets up back there, and says, “Don’t you think there are some things in this world that are better than money?” Of course I do, but I am talking about money now. Of course there are some things higher than money. Oh yes, I know by the grave that has left me standing alone that there are some things in this world that are higher and sweeter and purer than money. Well do I know there are some things higher and grander than gold. Love is the grandest thing on God’s earth, but fortunate the lover who has plenty of money. Money is power, money is force, money will do good as well as harm. In the hands of good men and women it could accomplish, and it has accomplished, good.
I hate to leave that behind me. I heard a man get up in a prayer-meeting in our city and thank the Lord he was “one of God’s poor.” Well, I wonder what his wife thinks about that? She earns all the money that comes into that house, and he smokes a part of that on the veranda. I don’t want to see any more of the Lord’s poor of that kind, and I don’t believe the Lord does. And yet there are some people who think in order to be pious you must be awfully poor and awfully dirty. That does not follow at all. While we sympathize with the poor, let us not teach a doctrine like that.
Yet the age is prejudiced against advising a Christian man (or, as a Jew would say, a godly man) from attaining unto wealth. The prejudice is so universal and the years are far enough back, I think, for me to safely mention that years ago up at Temple University there was a young man in our theological school who thought he was the only pious student in that department. He came into my office one evening and sat down by my desk, and said to me: “Mr. President, I think it is my duty sir, to come in and labor with you.” “What has happened now?” Said he, “I heard you say at the Academy, at the Peirce School commencement, that you thought it was an honorable ambition for a young man to desire to have wealth, and that you thought it made him temperate, made him anxious to have a good name, and made him industrious. You spoke about man’s ambition to have money helping to make him a good man. Sir, I have come to tell you the Holy Bible says that ‘money is the root of all evil.’”
I told him I had never seen it in the Bible, and advised him to go out into the chapel and get the Bible, and show me the place. So out he went for the Bible, and soon he stalked into my office with the Bible open, with all the bigoted pride of the narrow sectarian, or of one who founds his Christianity on some misinterpretation of Scripture. He flung the Bible down on my desk, and fairly squealed into my ear: “There it is, Mr. President; you can read it for yourself.” I said to him: “Well, young man, you will learn when you get a little older that you cannot trust another denomination to read the Bible for you. You belong to another denomination. You are taught in the theological school, however, that emphasis is exegesis. Now, will you take that Bible and read it yourself, and give the proper emphasis to it?” He took the Bible, and proudly read, “‘The love of money is the root of all evil.’”
Then he had it right, and when one does quote aright from that same old Book he quotes the absolute truth. I have lived through fifty years of the mightiest battle that old Book has ever fought, and I have lived to see its banners flying free; for never in the history of this world did the great minds of earth so universally agree that the Bible is true–all true–as they do at this very hour.
So I say that when he quoted right, of course he quoted the absolute truth. “The love of money is the root of all evil.” He who tries to attain unto it too quickly, or dishonestly, will fall into many snares, no doubt about that. The love of money. What is that? It is making an idol of money, and idolatry pure and simple everywhere is condemned by the Holy Scriptures and by man’s common sense. The man that worships the dollar instead of thinking of the purposes for which it ought to be used, the man who idolizes simply money, the miser that hordes his money in the cellar, or hides it in his stocking, or refuses to invest it where it will do the world good, that man who hugs the dollar until the eagle squeals has in him the root of all evil.
I think I will leave that behind me now and answer the question of nearly all of you who are asking, “Is there opportunity to get rich in Philadelphia?” Well, now, how simple a thing it is to see where it is, and the instant you see where it is it is yours. Some old gentleman gets up back there and says, “Mr. Conwell, have you lived in Philadelphia for thirty-one years and don’t know that the time has gone by when you can make anything in this city?” “No, I don’t think it is.” “Yes, it is; I have tried it.” “What business are you in?” “I kept a store here for twenty years, and never made over a thousand dollars in the whole twenty years.”
“Well, then, you can measure the good you have been to this city by what this city has paid you, because a man can judge very well what he is worth by what he receives; that is, in what he is to the world at this time. If you have not made over a thousand dollars in twenty years in Philadelphia, it would have been better for Philadelphia if they had kicked you out of the city nineteen years and nine months ago. A man has no right to keep a store in Philadelphia twenty years and not make at least five hundred thousand dollars even though it be a corner grocery up-town.” You say, “You cannot make five thousand dollars in a store now.” Oh, my friends, if you will just take only four blocks around you, and find out what the people want and what you ought to supply and set them down with your pencil and figure up the profits you would make if you did supply them, you would very soon see it. There is wealth right within the sound of your voice.
Some one says: “You don’t know anything about business. A preacher never knows a thing about business.” Well, then, I will have to prove that I am an expert. I don’t like to do this, but I have to do it because my testimony will not be taken if I am not an expert. My father kept a country store, and if there is any place under the stars where a man gets all sorts of experience in every kind of mercantile transactions, it is in the country store. I am not proud of my experience, but sometimes when my father was away he would leave me in charge of the store, though fortunately for him that was not very often. But this did occur many times, friends: A man would come in the store, and say to me, “Do you keep jack knives?” “No, we don’t keep jack-knives,” and I went off whistling a tune. What did I care about that man, anyhow? Then another farmer would come in and say, “Do you keep jack knives?” “No, we don’t keep jack-knives.” Then I went away and whistled another tune. Then a third man came right in the same door and said, “Do you keep jack-knives?” “No. Why is every one around here asking for jack-knives? Do you suppose we are keeping this store to supply the whole neighborhood with jack-knives?” Do you carry on your store like that in Philadelphia? The difficulty was I had not then learned that the foundation of godliness and the foundation principle of success in business are both the same precisely. The man who says, “I cannot carry my religion into business” advertises himself either as being an imbecile in business, or on the road to bankruptcy, or a thief, one of the three, sure. He will fail within a very few years. He certainly will if he doesn’t carry his religion into business. If I had been carrying on my father’s store on a Christian plan, godly plan, I would have had a jack-knife for the third man when he called for it. Then I would have actually done him a kindness, and I would have received a reward myself, which it would have been my duty to take. There are some over-pious Christian people who think if you take any profit on anything you sell that you are an unrighteous man. On the contrary, you would be a criminal to sell goods for less than they cost. You have no right to do that. You cannot trust a man with your money who cannot take care of his own. You cannot trust a man in your family that is not true to his own wife. You cannot trust a man in the world that does not begin with his own heart, his own character, and his own life. It would have been my duty to have furnished a jack-knife to the third man, or the second, and to have sold it to him and actually profited myself. I have no more right to sell goods without making a profit on them than I have to overcharge him dishonestly beyond what they are worth. But I should so sell each bill of goods that the person to whom I sell shall make as much as I make.
To live and let live is the principle of the gospel, and the principle of every-day common sense. Oh, young man, hear me; live as you go along. Do not wait until you have reached my years before you begin to enjoy anything of this life. If I had the millions back, or fifty cents of it, which I have tried to earn in these years, it would not do me anything like the good that it does me now in this almost sacred presence to-night. Oh, yes, I am paid over and over a hundredfold to-night for dividing as I have tried to do in some measure as I went along through the years. I ought not speak that way, it sounds egotistic, but I am old enough now to be excused for that. I should have helped my fellow-men, which I have tried to do, and every one should try to do, and get the happiness of it. The man who goes home with the sense that he has stolen a dollar that day, that he has robbed a man of what was his honest due, is not going to sweet rest. He arises tired in the morning, and goes with an unclean conscience to his work the next day. He is not a successful man at all, although he may have laid up millions. But the man who has gone through life dividing always with his fellow-men, making and demanding his own rights and his own profits, and giving to every other man his rights and profits, lives every day, and not only that, but it is the royal road to great wealth. The history of the thousands of millionaires shows that to be the case.
The man over there who said he could not make anything in a store in Philadelphia has been carrying on his store on the wrong principle. Suppose I go into your store to-morrow morning and ask, “Do you know neighbor A, who lives one square away, at house No. 1240?” “Oh yes, I have met him. He deals here at the corner store.” “Where did he come from?” “I don’t know.” “How many does he have in his family?” “I don’t know.” “What ticket does he vote?” “I don’t know.” “What church does he go to?” “I don’t know, and don’t care. What are you asking all these questions for?”
If you had a store in Philadelphia would you answer me like that? If so, then you are conducting your business just as I carried on my father’s business in Worthington, Massachusetts. You don’t know where your neighbor came from when he moved to Philadelphia, and you don’t care. If you had cared you would be a rich man now. If you had cared enough about him to take an interest in his affairs, to find out what he needed, you would have been rich. But you go through the world saying, “No opportunity to get rich,” and there is the fault right at your own door.
But another young man gets up over there and says, “I cannot take up the mercantile business.” (While I am talking of trade it applies to every occupation.) “Why can’t you go into the mercantile business?” “Because I haven’t any capital.” Oh, the weak and dudish creature that can’t see over its collar! It makes a person weak to see these little dudes standing around the corners and saying, “Oh, if I had plenty of capital, how rich I would get.” “Young man, do you think you are going to get rich on capital?” “Certainly.” Well, I say, “Certainly not.” If your mother has plenty of money, and she will set you up in business, you will “set her up in business,” supplying you with capital.
The moment a young man or woman gets more money than he or she has grown to by practical experience, that moment he has gotten a curse. It is no help to a young man or woman to inherit money. It is no help to your children to leave them money, but if you leave them education, if you leave them Christian and noble character, if you leave them a wide circle of friends, if you leave them an honorable name, it is far better than that they should have money. It would be worse for them, worse for the nation, that they should have any money at all. Oh, young man, if you have inherited money, don’t regard it as a help. It will curse you through your years, and deprive you of the very best things of human life. There is no class of people to be pitied so much as the inexperienced sons and daughters of the rich of our generation. I pity the rich man’s son. He can never know the best things in life. One of the best things in our life is when a young man has earned his own living, and when he becomes engaged to some lovely young woman, and makes up his mind to have a home of his own. Then with that same love comes also that divine inspiration toward better things, and he begins to save his money. He begins to leave off his bad habits and put money in the bank. When he has a few hundred dollars he goes out in the suburbs to look for a home. He goes to the savings-bank, perhaps, for half of the value, and then goes for his wife, and when he takes his bride over the threshold of that door for the first time he says in words of eloquence my voice can never touch: “I have earned this home myself. It is all mine, and I divide with thee.” That is the grandest moment a human heart may ever know.
But a rich man’s son can never know that. He takes his bride into a finer mansion, it may be, but he is obliged to go all the way through it and say to his wife, “My mother gave me that, my mother gave me that, and my mother gave me this,” until his wife wishes she had married his mother. I pity the rich man’s son.
The statistics of Massachusetts showed that not one rich man’s son out of seventeen ever dies rich. I pity the rich man’s sons unless they have the good sense of the elder Vanderbilt, which sometimes happens. He went to his father and said, “Did you earn all your money?” “I did, my son. I began to work on a ferry-boat for twenty-five cents a day.” “Then,” said his son, “I will have none of your money,” and he, too, tried to get employment on a ferry-boat that Saturday night. He could not get one there, but he did get a place for three dollars a week. Of course, if a rich man’s son will do that, he will get the discipline of a poor boy that is worth more than a university education to any man. He would then be able to take care of the millions of his father. But as a rule the rich men will not let their sons do the very thing that made them great. As a rule, the rich man will not allow his son to work–and his mother! Why, she would think it was a social disgrace if her poor, weak, little lily-fingered, sissy sort of a boy had to earn his living with honest toil. I have no pity for such rich men’s sons.
I remember one at Niagara Falls. I think I remember one a great deal nearer. I think there are gentlemen present who were at a great banquet, and I beg pardon of his friends. At a banquet here in Philadelphia there sat beside me a kind-hearted young man, and he said, “Mr. Conwell, you have been sick for two or three years. When you go out, take my limousine, and it will take you up to your house on Broad Street.” I thanked him very much, and perhaps I ought not to mention the incident in this way, but I follow the facts. I got on to the seat with the driver of that limousine, outside, and when we were going up I asked the driver, “How much did this limousine cost?” “Six thousand eight hundred, and he had to pay the duty on it.” “Well,” I said, “does the owner of this machine ever drive it himself?” At that the chauffeur laughed so heartily that he lost control of his machine. He was so surprised at the question that he ran up on the sidewalk, and around a corner lamp-post out into the street again. And when he got out into the street he laughed till the whole machine trembled. He said: “He drive this machine! Oh, he would be lucky if he knew enough to get out when we get there.”
I must tell you about a rich man’s son at Niagara Falls. I came in from the lecture to the hotel, and as I approached the desk of the clerk there stood a millionaire’s son from New York. He was an indescribable specimen of anthropologic potency. He had a skull-cap on one side of his head, with a gold tassel in the top of it, and a gold-headed cane under his arm with more in it than in his head. It is a very difficult thing to describe that young man. He wore an eye-glass that he could not see through, patent-leather boots that he could not walk in, and pants that he could not sit down in–dressed like a grasshopper. This human cricket came up to the clerk’s desk just as I entered, adjusted his unseeing eye-glass, and spake in this wise to the clerk. You see, he thought it was “Hinglish, you know,” to lisp. “Thir, will you have the kindness to supply me with thome papah and enwelophs!” The hotel clerk measured that man quick, and he pulled the envelopes and paper out of a drawer, threw them across the counter toward the young man, and then turned away to his books. You should have seen that young man when those envelopes came across that counter. He swelled up like a gobbler turkey, adjusted his unseeing eye-glass, and yelled: “Come right back here. Now thir, will you order a thervant to take that papah and enwelophs to yondah dethk.” Oh, the poor, miserable, contemptible American monkey! He could not carry paper and envelopes twenty feet. I suppose he could not get his arms down to do it. I have no pity for such travesties upon human nature. If you have not capital, young man, I am glad of it. What you need is common sense, not copper cents. The best thing I can do is to illustrate by actual facts well-known to you all. A. T. Stewart, a poor boy in New York, had $1.50 to begin life on. He lost 87 1/2 cents of that on the very first venture. How fortunate that young man who loses the first time he gambles. That boy said, “I will never gamble again in business,” and he never did. How came he to lose 87 1/2 cents? You probably all know the story how he lost it–because he bought some needles, threads, and buttons to sell which people did not want, and had them left on his hands, a dead loss. Said the boy, “I will not lose any more money in that way.” Then he went around first to the doors and asked the people what they did want. Then when he had found out what they wanted he invested his 62 1/2 cents to supply a known demand. Study it wherever you choose–in business, in your profession, in your housekeeping, whatever your life, that one thing is the secret of success. You must first know the demand. You must first know what people need, and then invest yourself where you are most needed. A. T. Stewart went on that principle until he was worth what amounted afterward to forty millions of dollars, owning the very store in which Mr. Wanamaker carries on his great work in New York. His fortune was made by his losing something, which taught him the great lesson that he must only invest himself or his money in something that people need. When will you salesmen learn it? When will you manufacturers learn that you must know the changing needs of humanity if you would succeed in life? Apply yourselves, all you Christian people, as manufacturers or merchants or workmen to supply that human need. It is a great principle as broad as humanity and as deep as the Scripture itself.
The best illustration I ever heard was of John Jacob Astor. You know that he made the money of the Astor family when he lived in New York. He came across the sea in debt for his fare. But that poor boy with nothing in his pocket made the fortune of the Astor family on one principle. Some young man here to-night will say, “Well they could make those fortunes over in New York but they could not do it in Philadelphia!” My friends, did you ever read that wonderful book of Riis (his memory is sweet to us because of his recent death), wherein is given his statistical account of the records taken in 1889 of 107 millionaires of New York. If you read the account you will see that out of the 107 millionaires only seven made their money in New York. Out of the 107 millionaires worth ten million dollars in real estate then, 67 of them made their money in towns of less than 3,500 inhabitants. The richest man in this country to-day, if you read the real-estate values, has never moved away from a town of 3,500 inhabitants. It makes not so much difference where you are as who you are. But if you cannot get rich in Philadelphia you certainly cannot do it in New York.
Now John Jacob Astor illustrated what can be done anywhere. He had a mortgage once on a millinery-store, and they could not sell bonnets enough to pay the interest on his money. So he foreclosed that mortgage, took possession of the store, and went into partnership with the very same people, in the same store, with the same capital. He did not give them a dollar of capital. They had to sell goods to get any money. Then he left them alone in the store just as they had been before, and he went out and sat down on a bench in the park in the shade. What was John Jacob Astor doing out there, and in partnership with people who had failed on his own hands? He had the most important and, to my mind, the most pleasant part of that partnership on his hands. For as John Jacob Astor sat on that bench he was watching the ladies as they went by; and where is the man who would not get rich at that business? As he sat on the bench if a lady passed him with her shoulders back and head up, and looked straight to the front, as if she did not care if all the world did gaze on her, then he studied her bonnet, and by the time it was out of sight he knew the shape of the frame, the color of the trimmings, and the crinklings in the feather. I sometimes try to describe a bonnet, but not always. I would not try to describe a modern bonnet. Where is the man that could describe one? This aggregation of all sorts of driftwood stuck on the back of the head, or the side of the neck, like a rooster with only one tail feather left. But in John Jacob Astor’s day there was some art about the millinery business, and he went to the millinery-store and said to them: “Now put into the show-window just such a bonnet as I describe to you, because I have already seen a lady who likes such a bonnet. Don’t make up any more until I come back.” Then he went out and sat down again, and another lady passed him of a different form, of different complexion, with a different shape and color of bonnet. “Now,” said he, “put such a bonnet as that in the show window.” He did not fill his show-window up town with a lot of hats and bonnets to drive people away, and then sit on the back stairs and bawl because people went to Wanamaker’s to trade. He did not have a hat or a bonnet in that show-window but what some lady liked before it was made up. The tide of custom began immediately to turn in, and that has been the foundation of the greatest store in New York in that line, and still exists as one of three stores. Its fortune was made by John Jacob Astor after they had failed in business, not by giving them any more money, but by finding out what the ladies liked for bonnets before they wasted any material in making them up. I tell you if a man could foresee the millinery business he could foresee anything under heaven! Suppose I were to go through this audience to-night and ask you in this great manufacturing city if there are not opportunities to get rich in manufacturing. “Oh yes,” some young man says, “there are opportunities here still if you build with some trust and if you have two or three millions of dollars to begin with as capital.” Young man, the history of the breaking up of the trusts by that attack upon “big business” is only illustrating what is now the opportunity of the smaller man. The time never came in the history of the world when you could get rich so quickly manufacturing without capital as you can now.
But you will say, “You cannot do anything of the kind. You cannot start without capital.” Young man, let me illustrate for a moment. I must do it. It is my duty to every young man and woman, because we are all going into business very soon on the same plan. Young man, remember if you know what people need you have gotten more knowledge of a fortune than any amount of capital can give you.
There was a poor man out of work living in Hingham, Massachusetts. He lounged around the house until one day his wife told him to get out and work, and, as he lived in Massachusetts, he obeyed his wife. He went out and sat down on the shore of the bay, and whittled a soaked shingle into a wooden chain. His children that evening quarreled over it, and he whittled a second one to keep peace. While he was whittling the second one a neighbor came in and said: “Why don’t you whittle toys and sell them? You could make money at that.” “Oh,” he said, “I would not know what to make.” “Why don’t you ask your own children right here in your own house what to make?” “What is the use of trying that?” said the carpenter. “My children are different from other people’s children.” (I used to see people like that when I taught school.) But he acted upon the hint, and the next morning when Mary came down the stairway, he asked, “What do you want for a toy?” She began to tell him she would like a doll’s bed, a doll’s washstand, a doll’s carriage, a little doll’s umbrella, and went on with a list of things that would take him a lifetime to supply. So, consulting his own children, in his own house, he took the firewood, for he had no money to buy lumber, and whittled those strong, unpainted Hingham toys that were for so many years known all over the world. That man began to make those toys for his own children, and then made copies and sold them through the boot-and-shoe store next door. He began to make a little money, and then a little more, and Mr. Lawson, in his _Frenzied Finance_ says that man is the richest man in old Massachusetts, and I think it is the truth. And that man is worth a hundred millions of dollars to-day, and has been only thirty-four years making it on that one principle–that one must judge that what his own children like at home other people’s children would like in their homes, too; to judge the human heart by oneself, by one’s wife or by one’s children. It is the royal road to success in manufacturing. “Oh,” but you say, “didn’t he have any capital?” Yes, a penknife, but I don’t know that he had paid for that.
I spoke thus to an audience in New Britain, Connecticut, and a lady four seats back went home and tried to take off her collar, and the collar-button stuck in the buttonhole. She threw it out and said, “I am going to get up something better than that to put on collars.” Her husband said: “After what Conwell said to-night, you see there is a need of an improved collar-fastener that is easier to handle. There is a human need; there is a great fortune. Now, then, get up a collar-button and get rich.” He made fun of her, and consequently made fun of me, and that is one of the saddest things which comes over me like a deep cloud of midnight sometimes–although I have worked so hard for more than half a century, yet how little I have ever really done. Notwithstanding the greatness and the handsomeness of your compliment to-night, I do not believe there is one in ten of you that is going to make a million of dollars because you are here to-night; but it is not my fault, it is yours. I say that sincerely. What is the use of my talking if people never do what I advise them to do? When her husband ridiculed her, she made up her mind she would make a better collar-button, and when a woman makes up her mind “she will,” and does not say anything about it, she does it. It was that New England woman who invented the snap button which you can find anywhere now. It was first a collar-button with a spring cap attached to the outer side. Any of you who wear modern waterproofs know the button that simply pushes together, and when you unbutton it you simply pull it apart. That is the button to which I refer, and which she invented. She afterward invented several other buttons, and then invested in more, and then was taken into partnership with great factories. Now that woman goes over the sea every summer in her private steamship–yes, and takes her husband with her! If her husband were to die, she would have money enough left now to buy a foreign duke or count or some such title as that at the latest quotations. Now what is my lesson in that incident? It is this: I told her then, though I did not know her, what I now say to you, “Your wealth is too near to you. You are looking right over it”; and she had to look over it because it was right under her chin.
I have read in the newspaper that a woman never invented anything. Well, that newspaper ought to begin again. Of course, I do not refer to gossip–I refer to machines–and if I did I might better include the men. That newspaper could never appear if women had not invented something. Friends, think. Ye women, think! You say you cannot make a fortune because you are in some laundry, or running a sewing-machine, it may be, or walking before some loom, and yet you can be a millionaire if you will but follow this almost infallible direction.
When you say a woman doesn’t invent anything, I ask, Who invented the Jacquard loom that wove every stitch you wear? Mrs. Jacquard. The printer’s roller, the printing-press, were invented by farmers’ wives. Who invented the cotton-gin of the South that enriched our country so amazingly? Mrs. General Greene invented the cotton-gin and showed the idea to Mr. Whitney, and he, like a man, seized it. Who was it that invented the sewing-machine? If I would go to school to-morrow and ask your children they would say, “Elias Howe.”
He was in the Civil War with me, and often in my tent, and I often heard him say that he worked fourteen years to get up that sewing-machine. But his wife made up her mind one day that they would starve to death if there wasn’t something or other invented pretty soon, and so in two hours she invented the sewing-machine. Of course he took out the patent in his name. Men always do that. Who was it that invented the mower and the reaper? According to Mr. McCormick’s confidential communication, so recently published, it was a West Virginia woman, who, after his father and he had failed altogether in making a reaper and gave it up, took a lot of shears and nailed them together on the edge of a board, with one shaft of each pair loose, and then wired them so that when she pulled the wire one way it closed them, and when she pulled the wire the other way it opened them, and there she had the principle of the mowing-machine. If you look at a mowing-machine, you will see it is nothing but a lot of shears. If a woman can invent a mowing-machine, if a woman can invent a Jacquard loom, if a woman can invent a cotton-gin, if a woman can invent a trolley switch–as she did and made the trolleys possible; if a woman can invent, as Mr. Carnegie said, the great iron squeezers that laid the foundation of all the steel millions of the United States, “we men” can invent anything under the stars! I say that for the encouragement of the men.
Who are the great inventors of the world? Again this lesson comes before us. The great inventor sits next to you, or you are the person yourself. “Oh,” but you will say, “I have never invented anything in my life.” Neither did the great inventors until they discovered one great secret. Do you think it is a man with a head like a bushel measure or a man like a stroke of lightning? It is neither. The really great man is a plain, straightforward, every-day, common-sense man. You would not dream that he was a great inventor if you did not see something he had actually done. His neighbors do not regard him so great. You never see anything great over your back fence. You say there is no greatness among your neighbors. It is all away off somewhere else. Their greatness is ever so simple, so plain, so earnest, so practical, that the neighbors and friends never recognize it.
True greatness is often unrecognized. That is sure. You do not know anything about the greatest men and women. I went out to write the life of General Garfield, and a neighbor, knowing I was in a hurry, and as there was a great crowd around the front door, took me around to General Garfield’s back door and shouted, “Jim! Jim!” And very soon “Jim” came to the door and let me in, and I wrote the biography of one of the grandest men of the nation, and yet he was just the same old “Jim” to his neighbor. If you know a great man in Philadelphia and you should meet him to-morrow, you would say, “How are you, Sam?” or “Good morning, Jim.” Of course you would. That is just what you would do. One of my soldiers in the Civil War had been sentenced to death, and I went up to the White House in Washington–sent there for the first time in my life to see the President. I went into the waiting-room and sat down with a lot of others on the benches, and the secretary asked one after another to tell him what they wanted. After the secretary had been through the line, he went in, and then came back to the door and motioned for me. I went up to that anteroom, and the secretary said: “That is the President’s door right over there. Just rap on it and go right in.” I never was so taken aback, friends, in all my life, never. The secretary himself made it worse for me, because he had told me how to go in and then went out another door to the left and shut that. There I was, in the hallway by myself before the President of the United States of America’s door. I had been on fields of battle, where the shells did sometimes shriek and the bullets did sometimes hit me, but I always wanted to run. I have no sympathy with the old man who says, “I would just as soon march up to the cannon’s mouth as eat my dinner.” I have no faith in a man who doesn’t know enough to be afraid when he is being shot at. I never was so afraid when the shells came around us at Antietam as I was when I went into that room that day; but I finally mustered the courage–I don’t know how I ever did–and at arm’s-length tapped on the door. The man inside did not help me at all, but yelled out, “Come in and sit down!”
Well, I went in and sat down on the edge of a chair, and wished I were in Europe, and the man at the table did not look up. He was one of the world’s greatest men, and was made great by one single rule. Oh, that all the young people of Philadelphia were before me now and I could say just this one thing, and that they would remember it. I would give a lifetime for the effect it would have on our city and on civilization. Abraham Lincoln’s principle for greatness can be adopted by nearly all. This was his rule: Whatsoever he had to do at all, he put his whole mind into it and held it all there until that was all done. That makes men great almost anywhere. He stuck to those papers at that table and did not look up at me, and I sat there trembling. Finally, when he had put the string around his papers, he pushed them over to one side and looked over to me, and a smile came over his worn face. He said: “I am a very busy man and have only a few minutes to spare. Now tell me in the fewest words what it is you want.” I began to tell him, and mentioned the case, and he said: “I have heard all about it and you do not need to say any more. Mr. Stanton was talking to me only a few days ago about that. You can go to the hotel and rest assured that the President never did sign an order to shoot a boy under twenty years of age, and never will. You can say that to his mother anyhow.”
Then he said to me, “How is it going in the field?” I said, “We sometimes get discouraged.” And he said: “It is all right. We are going to win out now. We are getting very near the light. No man ought to wish to be President of the United States, and I will be glad when I get through; then Tad and I are going out to Springfield, Illinois. I have bought a farm out there and I don’t care if I again earn only twenty-five cents a day. Tad has a mule team, and we are going to plant onions.”
Then he asked me, “Were you brought up on a farm?” I said, “Yes; in the Berkshire Hills of Massachusetts.” He then threw his leg over the corner of the big chair and said, “I have heard many a time, ever since I was young, that up there in those hills you have to sharpen the noses of the sheep in order to get down to the grass between the rocks.” He was so familiar, so everyday, so farmer-like, that I felt right at home with him at once.
He then took hold of another roll of paper, and looked up at me and said, “Good morning.” I took the hint then and got up and went out. After I had gotten out I could not realize I had seen the President of the United States at all. But a few days later, when still in the city, I saw the crowd pass through the East Room by the coffin of Abraham Lincoln, and when I looked at the upturned face of the murdered President I felt then that the man I had seen such a short time before, who, so simple a man, so plain a man, was one of the greatest men that God ever raised up to lead a nation on to ultimate liberty. Yet he was only “Old Abe” to his neighbors. When they had the second funeral, I was invited among others, and went out to see that same coffin put back in the tomb at Springfield. Around the tomb stood Lincoln’s old neighbors, to whom he was just “Old Abe.” Of course that is all they would say. Did you ever see a man who struts around altogether too large to notice an ordinary working mechanic? Do you think he is great? He is nothing but a puffed-up balloon, held down by his big feet. There is no greatness there.
Who are the great men and women? My attention was called the other day to the history of a very little thing that made the fortune of a very poor man. It was an awful thing, and yet because of that experience he–not a great inventor or genius–invented the pin that now is called the safety-pin, and out of that safety-pin made the fortune of one of the great aristocratic families of this nation.
A poor man in Massachusetts who had worked in the nail-works was injured at thirty-eight, and he could earn but little money. He was employed in the office to rub out the marks on the bills made by pencil memorandums, and he used a rubber until his hand grew tired. He then tied a piece of rubber on the end of a stick and worked it like a plane. His little girl came and said, “Why, you have a patent, haven’t you?” The father said afterward, “My daughter told me when I took that stick and put the rubber on the end that there was a patent, and that was the first thought of that.” He went to Boston and applied for his patent, and every one of you that has a rubber-tipped pencil in your pocket is now paying tribute to the millionaire. No capital, not a penny did he invest in it. All was income, all the way up into the millions.
But let me hasten to one other greater thought. “Show me the great men and women who live in Philadelphia.” A gentleman over there will get up and say: “We don’t have any great men in Philadelphia. They don’t live here. They live away off in Rome or St. Petersburg or London or Manayunk, or anywhere else but here in our town.” I have come now to the apex of my thought. I have come now to the heart of the whole matter and to the center of my struggle: Why isn’t Philadelphia a greater city in its greater wealth? Why does New York excel Philadelphia? People say, “Because of her harbor.” Why do many other cities of the United States get ahead of Philadelphia now? There is only one answer, and that is because our own people talk down their own city. If there ever was a community on earth that has to be forced ahead, it is the city of Philadelphia. If we are to have a boulevard, talk it down; if we are going to have better schools, talk them down; if you wish to have wise legislation, talk it down; talk all the proposed improvements down. That is the only great wrong that I can lay at the feet of the magnificent Philadelphia that has been so universally kind to me. I say it is time we turn around in our city and begin to talk up the things that are in our city, and begin to set them before the world as the people of Chicago, New York, St. Louis, and San Francisco do. Oh, if we only could get that spirit out among our people, that we can do things in Philadelphia and do them well!
Arise, ye millions of Philadelphians, trust in God and man, and believe in the great opportunities that are right here not over in New York or Boston, but here–for business, for everything that is worth living for on earth. There was never an opportunity greater. Let us talk up our own city.
But there are two other young men here to-night, and that is all I will venture to say, because it is too late. One over there gets up and says, “There is going to be a great man in Philadelphia, but never was one.” “Oh, is that so? When are you going to be great?” “When I am elected to some political office.” Young man, won’t you learn a lesson in the primer of politics that it is a _prima facie_ evidence of littleness to hold office under our form of government? Great men get into office sometimes, but what this country needs is men that will do what we tell them to do. This nation–where the people rule–is governed by the people, for the people, and so long as it is, then the office-holder is but the servant of the people, and the Bible says the servant cannot be greater than the master. The Bible says, “He that is sent cannot be greater than Him who sent Him.” The people rule, or should rule, and if they do, we do not need the greater men in office. If the great men in America took our offices, we would change to an empire in the next ten years. I know of a great many young women, now that woman’s suffrage is coming, who say, “I am going to be President of the United States some day.” I believe in woman’s suffrage, and there is no doubt but what it is coming, and I am getting out of the way, anyhow. I may want an office by and by myself; but if the ambition for an office influences the women in their desire to vote, I want to say right here what I say to the young men, that if you only get the privilege of casting one vote, you don’t get anything that is worth while. Unless you can control more than one vote, you will be unknown, and your influence so dissipated as practically not to be felt. This country is not run by votes. Do you think it is? It is governed by influence. It is governed by the ambitions and the enterprises which control votes. The young woman that thinks she is going to vote for the sake of holding an office is making an awful blunder.
That other young man gets up and says, “There are going to be great men in this country and in Philadelphia.” “Is that so? When?” “When there comes a great war, when we get into difficulty through watchful waiting in Mexico; when we get into war with England over some frivolous deed, or with Japan or China or New Jersey or some distant country. Then I will march up to the cannon’s mouth; I will sweep up among the glistening bayonets; I will leap into the arena and tear down the flag and bear it away in triumph. I will come home with stars on my shoulder, and hold every office in the gift of the nation, and I will be great.” No, you won’t. You think you are going to be made great by an office, but remember that if you are not great before you get the office, you won’t be great when you secure it. It will only be a burlesque in that shape.
We had a Peace Jubilee here after the Spanish War. Out West they don’t believe this, because they said, “Philadelphia would not have heard of any Spanish War until fifty years hence.” Some of you saw the procession go up Broad Street. I was away, but the family wrote to me that the tally-ho coach with Lieutenant Hobson upon it stopped right at the front door and the people shouted, “Hurrah for Hobson!” and if I had been there I would have yelled too, because he deserves much more of his country than he has ever received. But suppose I go into school and say, “Who sunk the _Merrimac_ at Santiago?” and if the boys answer me, “Hobson,” they will tell me seven-eighths of a lie. There were seven other heroes on that steamer, and they, by virtue of their position, were continually exposed to the Spanish fire, while Hobson, as an officer, might reasonably be behind the smoke-stack. You have gathered in this house your most intelligent people, and yet, perhaps, not one here can name the other seven men.
We ought not to so teach history. We ought to teach that, however humble a man’s station may be, if he does his full duty in that place he is just as much entitled to the American people’s honor as is the king upon his throne. But we do not so teach. We are now teaching everywhere that the generals do all the fighting.
I remember that, after the war, I went down to see General Robert E. Lee, that magnificent Christian gentleman of whom both North and South are now proud as one of our great Americans. The general told me about his servant, “Rastus,” who was an enlisted colored soldier. He called him in one day to make fun of him, and said, “Rastus, I hear that all the rest of your company are killed, and why are you not killed?” Rastus winked at him and said, “‘Cause when there is any fightin’ goin’ on I stay back with the generals.”
I remember another illustration. I would leave it out but for the fact that when you go to the library to read this lecture, you will find this has been printed in it for twenty-five years. I shut my eyes–shut them close–and lo! I see the faces of my youth. Yes, they sometimes say to me, “Your hair is not white; you are working night and day without seeming ever to stop; you can’t be old.” But when I shut my eyes, like any other man of my years, oh, then come trooping back the faces of the loved and lost of long ago, and I know, whatever men may say, it is evening-time.
I shut my eyes now and look back to my native town in Massachusetts, and I see the cattle-show ground on the mountain-top; I can see the horse-sheds there. I can see the Congregational church; see the town hall and mountaineers’ cottages; see a great assembly of people turning out, dressed resplendently, and I can see flags flying and handkerchiefs waving and hear bands playing. I can see that company of soldiers that had re-enlisted marching up on that cattle-show ground. I was but a boy, but I was captain of that company and puffed out with pride. A cambric needle would have burst me all to pieces. Then I thought it was the greatest event that ever came to man on earth. If you have ever thought you would like to be a king or queen, you go and be received by the mayor. The bands played, and all the people turned out to receive us. I marched up that Common so proud at the head of my troops, and we turned down into the town hall. Then they seated my soldiers down the center aisle and I sat down on the front seat. A great assembly of people a hundred or two–came in to fill the town hall, so that they stood up all around. Then the town officers came in and formed a half-circle. The mayor of the town sat in the middle of the platform. He was a man who had never held office before; but he was a good man, and his friends have told me that I might use this without giving them offense. He was a good man, but he thought an office made a man great. He came up and took his seat, adjusted his powerful spectacles, and looked around, when he suddenly spied me sitting there on the front seat. He came right forward on the platform and invited me up to sit with the town officers. No town officer ever took any notice of me before I went to war, except to advise the teacher to thrash me, and now I was invited up on the stand with the town officers. Oh my! the town mayor was then the emperor, the king of our day and our time. As I came up on the platform they gave me a chair about this far, I would say, from the front.
When I had got seated, the chairman of the Selectmen arose and came forward to the table, and we all supposed he would introduce the Congregational minister, who was the only orator in town, and that he would give the oration to the returning soldiers. But, friends, you should have seen the surprise which ran over the audience when they discovered that the old fellow was going to deliver that speech himself. He had never made a speech in his life, but he fell into the same error that hundreds of other men have fallen into. It seems so strange that a man won’t learn he must speak his piece as a boy if he in-tends to be an orator when he is grown, but he seems to think all he has to do is to hold an office to be a great orator.
So he came up to the front, and brought with him a speech which he had learned by heart walking up and down the pasture, where he had frightened the cattle. He brought the manuscript with him and spread it out on the table so as to be sure he might see it. He adjusted his spectacles and leaned over it for a moment and marched back on that platform, and then came forward like this–tramp, tramp, tramp. He must have studied the subject a great deal, when you come to think of it, because he assumed an “elocutionary” attitude. He rested heavily upon his left heel, threw back his shoulders, slightly advanced the right foot, opened the organs of speech, and advanced his right foot at an angle of forty-five. As he stood in that elocutionary attitude, friends, this is just the way that speech went. Some people say to me, “Don’t you exaggerate?” That would be impossible. But I am here for the lesson and not for the story, and this is the way it went:
“Fellow-citizens–” As soon as he heard his voice his fingers began to go like that, his knees began to shake, and then he trembled all over. He choked and swallowed and came around to the table to look at the manuscript. Then he gathered himself up with clenched fists and came back: “Fellow-citizens, we are Fellow-citizens, we are–we are–we are–we are–we are–we are very happy–we are very happy–we are very happy. We are very happy to welcome back to their native town these soldiers who have fought and bled–and come back again to their native town. We are especially–we are especially–we are especially. We are especially pleased to see with us to-day this young hero” (that meant me)–“this young hero who in imagination” (friends, remember he said that; if he had not said “in imagination” I would not be egotistic enough to refer to it at all)–“this young hero who in imagination we have seen leading–we have seen leading–leading. We have seen leading his troops on to the deadly breach. We have seen his shining–we have seen his shining–his shining–his shining sword–flashing. Flashing in the sunlight, as he shouted to his troops, ‘Come on’!”
Oh dear, dear, dear! how little that good man knew about war. If he had known anything about war at all he ought to have known what any of my G. A. R. comrades here to-night will tell you is true, that it is next to a crime for an officer of infantry ever in time of danger to go ahead of his men. “I, with my shining sword flashing in the sunlight, shouting to my troops, ‘Come on’!” I never did it. Do you suppose I would get in front of my men to be shot in front by the enemy and in the back by my own men? That is no place for an officer. The place for the officer in actual battle is behind the line. How often, as a staff officer, I rode down the line, when our men were suddenly called to the line of battle, and the Rebel yells were coming out of the woods, and shouted: “Officers to the rear! Officers to the rear!” Then every officer gets behind the line of private soldiers, and the higher the officer’s rank the farther behind he goes. Not because he is any the less brave, but because the laws of war require that. And yet he shouted, “I, with my shining sword–” In that house there sat the company of my soldiers who had carried that boy across the Carolina rivers that he might not wet his feet. Some of them had gone far out to get a pig or a chicken. Some of them had gone to death under the shell-swept pines in the mountains of Tennessee, yet in the good man’s speech they were scarcely known. He did refer to them, but only incidentally. The hero of the hour was this boy. Did the nation owe him anything? No, nothing then and nothing now. Why was he the hero? Simply because that man fell into that same human error–that this boy was great because he was an officer and these were only private soldiers.
Oh, I learned the lesson then that I will never forget so long as the tongue of the bell of time continues to swing for me. Greatness consists not in the holding of some future office, but really consists in doing great deeds with little means and the accomplishment of vast purposes from the private ranks of life. To be great at all one must be great here, now, in Philadelphia. He who can give to this city better streets and better sidewalks, better schools and more colleges, more happiness and more civilization, more of God, he will be great anywhere. Let every man or woman here, if you never hear me again, remember this, that if you wish to be great at all, you must begin where you are and what you are, in Philadelphia, now. He that can give to his city any blessing, he who can be a good citizen while he lives here, he that can make better homes, he that can be a blessing whether he works in the shop or sits behind the counter or keeps house, whatever be his life, he who would be great anywhere must first be great in his own Philadelphia. HIS LIFE AND ACHIEVEMENTS
By Robert Shackleton
I. THE STORY OF THE SWORD
I SHALL write of a remarkable man, an interesting man, a man of power, of initiative, of will, of persistence; a man who plans vastly and who realizes his plans; a man who not only does things himself, but who, even more important than that, is the constant inspiration of others. I shall write of Russell H. Conwell.
As a farmer��s boy he was the leader of the boys of the rocky region that was his home; as a school-teacher he won devotion; as a newspaper correspondent he gained fame; as a soldier in the Civil War he rose to important rank; as a lawyer he developed a large practice; as an author he wrote books that reached a mighty total of sales. He left the law for the ministry and is the active head of a great church that he raised from nothingness. He is the most popular lecturer in the world and yearly speaks to many thousands. He is, so to speak, the discoverer of “Acres of Diamonds,” through which thousands of men and women have achieved success out of failure. He is the head of two hospitals, one of them founded by himself, that have cared for a host of patients, both the poor and the rich, irrespective of race or creed. He is the founder and head of a university that has already had tens of thousands of students. His home is in Philadelphia; but he is known in every corner of every state in the Union, and everywhere he has hosts of friends. All of his life he has helped and inspired others.
Quite by chance, and only yesterday, literally yesterday and by chance, and with no thought at the moment of Conwell although he had been much in my mind for some time past, I picked up a thin little book of description by William Dean Howells, and, turning the pages of a chapter on Lexington, old Lexington of the Revolution, written, so Howells had set down, in 1882, I noticed, after he had written of the town itself, and of the long-past fight there, and of the present-day aspect, that he mentioned the church life of the place and remarked on the striking advances made by the Baptists, who had lately, as he expressed it, been reconstituted out of very perishing fragments and made strong and flourishing, under the ministrations of a lay preacher, formerly a colonel in the Union army. And it was only a few days before I chanced upon this description that Dr. Conwell, the former colonel and former lay preacher, had told me of his experiences in that little old Revolutionary town.
Howells went on to say that, so he was told, the colonel’s success was principally due to his making the church attractive to young people. Howells says no more of him; apparently he did not go to hear him; and one wonders if he has ever associated that lay preacher of Lexington with the famous Russell H. Conwell of these recent years!
“Attractive to young people.” Yes, one can recognize that to-day, just as it was recognized in Lexington. And it may be added that he at the same time attracts older people, too! In this, indeed, lies his power. He makes his church interesting, his sermons interesting, his lectures interesting. He is himself interesting! Because of his being interesting, he gains attention. The attention gained, he inspires.
Biography is more than dates. Dates, after all, are but mile-stones along the road of life. And the most important fact of Conwell’s life is that he lived to be eighty-two, working sixteen hours every day for the good of his fellow-men. He was born on February 15, 1843–born of poor parents, in a low-roofed cottage in the eastern Berkshires, in Massachusetts.
“I was born in this room,” he said to me, simply, as we sat together recently [3] in front of the old fireplace in the principal room of the little cottage; for he has bought back the rocky farm of his father, and has retained and restored the little old home. “I was born in this room. It was bedroom and kitchen. It was poverty.” And his voice sank with a kind of grimness into silence.
Then he spoke a little of the struggles of those long-past years; and we went out on the porch, as the evening shadows fell, and looked out over the valley and stream and hills of his youth, and he told of his grandmother, and of a young Marylander who had come to the region on a visit; it was a tale of the impetuous love of those two, of rash marriage, of the interference of parents, of the fierce rivalry of another suitor, of an attack on the Marylander’s life, of passionate hastiness, of unforgivable words, of separation, of lifelong sorrow. “Why does grandmother cry so often?” he remembers asking when he was a little boy. And he was told that it was for the husband of her youth.
We went back into the little house, and he showed me the room in which he first saw John Brown. “I came down early one morning, and saw a huge, hairy man sprawled upon the bed there–and I was frightened,” he says.
But John Brown did not long frighten him! For he was much at their house after that, and was so friendly with Russell and his brother that there was no chance for awe; and it gives a curious side-light on the character of the stern abolitionist that he actually, with infinite patience, taught the old horse of the Conwells to go home alone with the wagon after leaving the boys at school, a mile or more away, and at school-closing time to trot gently off for them without a driver when merely faced in that direction and told to go! Conwell remembers how John Brown, in training it, used patiently to walk beside the horse, and control its going and its turnings, until it was quite ready to go and turn entirely by itself. The Conwell house was a station on the Underground Railway, and Russell Conwell remembers, when a lad, seeing the escaping slaves that his father had driven across country and temporarily hidden. “Those were heroic days,” he says, quietly. “And once in a while my father let me go with him. They were wonderful night drives–the cowering slaves, the darkness of the road, the caution and the silence and dread of it all.” This underground route, he remembers, was from Philadelphia to New Haven, thence to Springfield, where Conwell’s father would take his charge, and onward to Bellows Falls and Canada.
Conwell tells, too, of meeting Frederick Douglass, the colored orator, in that little cottage in the hills. “‘I never saw my father,’ Douglass said one day–his father was a white man–‘and I remember little of my mother except that once she tried to keep an overseer from whipping me, and the lash cut across her own face, and her blood fell over me.’
“When John Brown was captured,” Conwell went on, “my father tried to sell this place to get a little money to send to help his defense. But he couldn’t sell it, and on the day of the execution we knelt solemnly here, from eleven to twelve, just praying, praying in silence for the passing soul of John Brown. And as we prayed we knew that others were also praying, for a church-bell tolled during that entire hour, and its awesome boom went sadly sounding over these hills.”
Conwell believes that his real life dates from a happening of the time of the Civil War–a happening that still looms vivid and intense before him, and which undoubtedly did deepen and strengthen his strong and deep nature. Yet the real Conwell was always essentially the same. Neighborhood tradition still tells of his bravery as a boy and a youth, of his reckless coasting, his skill as a swimmer and his saving of lives, his strength and endurance, his plunging out into the darkness of a wild winter night to save a neighbor’s cattle. His soldiers came home with tales of his devotion to them, and of how he shared his rations and his blankets and bravely risked his life; of how he crept off into a swamp, at imminent peril, to rescue one of his men lost or mired there. The present Conwell was always Conwell; in fact, he may be traced through his ancestry, too, for in him are the sturdy virtues, the bravery, the grim determination, the practicality, of his father; and romanticism, that comes from his grandmother; and the dreamy qualities of his mother, who, practical and hardworking New England woman that she was, was at the same time influenced by an almost startling mysticism.
And Conwell himself is a dreamer: first of all he is a dreamer; it is the most important fact in regard to him! It is because he is a dreamer and visualizes his dreams that he can plan the great things that to other men would seem impossibilities; and then his intensely practical side his intense efficiency, his power, his skill, his patience, his fine earnestness, his mastery over others, develop his dreams into realities. He dreams dreams and sees visions–but his visions are never visionary and his dreams become facts.
The rocky hills which meant a dogged struggle for very existence, the fugitive slaves, John Brown–what a school for youth! And the literal school was a tiny one-room school-house where young Conwell came under the care of a teacher who realized the boy’s unusual capabilities and was able to give him broad and unusual help. Then a wise country preacher also recognized the unusual, and urged the parents to give still more education, whereupon supreme effort was made and young Russell was sent to Wilbraham Academy. He likes to tell of his life there, and of the hardships, of which he makes light; and of the joy with which week-end pies and cakes were received from home!
He tells of how he went out on the roads selling books from house to house, and of how eagerly he devoured the contents of the sample books that he carried. “They were a foundation of learning for me,” he says, soberly. “And they gave me a broad idea of the world.”
He went to Yale in 1860, but the outbreak of the war interfered with college, and he enlisted in 1861. But he was only eighteen, and his father objected, and he went back to Yale. But next year he again enlisted, and men of his Berkshire neighborhood, likewise enlisting, insisted that he be their captain; and Governor Andrews, appealed to, consented to commission the nineteen-year-old youth who was so evidently a natural leader; and the men gave freely of their scant money to get for him a sword, all gay and splendid with gilt, and upon the sword was the declaration in stately Latin that, “True friendship is eternal.”
And with that sword is associated the most vivid, the most momentous experience of Russell Conwell’s life.
That sword hangs at the head of Conwell’s bed in his home in Philadelphia. Man of peace that he is, and minister of peace, that symbol of war has for over half a century been of infinite importance to him.
He told me the story as we stood together before that sword. And as he told the story, speaking with quiet repression, but seeing it all and living it all just as vividly as if it had occurred but yesterday, “That sword has meant so much to me,” he murmured; and then he began the tale:
“A boy up there in the Berkshires, a neighbor’s son, was John Ring; I call him a boy, for we all called him a boy, and we looked upon him as a boy, for he was under-sized and under-developed–so much so that he could not enlist.
“But for some reason he was devoted to me, and he not only wanted to enlist, but he also wanted to be in the artillery company of which I was captain; and I could only take him along as my servant. I didn’t want a servant, but it was the only way to take poor little Johnnie Ring. “Johnnie was deeply religious, and would read the Bible every evening before turning in. In those days I was an atheist, or at least thought I was, and I used to laugh at Ring, and after a while he took to reading the Bible outside the tent on account of my laughing at him! But he did not stop reading it, and his faithfulness to me remained unchanged.
“The scabbard of the sword was too glittering for the regulations”–the ghost of a smile hovered on Conwell’s lips–“and I could not wear it, and could only wear a plain one for service and keep this hanging in my tent on the tent-pole. John Ring used to handle it adoringly, and kept it polished to brilliancy.–It’s dull enough these many years,” he added, somberly. “To Ring it represented not only his captain, but the very glory and pomp of war.
“One day the Confederates suddenly stormed our position near New Berne and swept through the camp, driving our entire force before them; and all, including my company, retreated hurriedly across the river, setting fire to a long wooden bridge as we went over. It soon blazed up furiously, making a barrier that the Confederates could not pass.
“But, unknown to everybody, and unnoticed, John Ring had dashed back to my tent. I think he was able to make his way back because he just looked like a mere boy; but however that was, he got past the Confederates into my tent and took down, from where it was hanging on the tent-pole, my bright, gold-scabbarded sword.
“John Ring seized the sword that had long been so precious to him. He dodged here and there, and actually managed to gain the bridge just as it was beginning to blaze. He started across. The flames were every moment getting fiercer, the smoke denser, and now and then, as he crawled and staggered on, he leaned for a few seconds far over the edge of the bridge in an effort to get air. Both sides saw him; both sides watched his terrible progress, even while firing was fiercely kept up from each side of the river. And then a Confederate officer–he was one of General Pickett’s officers–ran to the water’s edge and waved a white handkerchief and the firing ceased.
“‘Tell that boy to come back here!’ he cried. ‘Tell him to come back here and we will let him go free!’
“He called this out just as Ring was about to enter upon the worst part of the bridge–the covered part, where there were top and bottom and sides of blazing wood. The roar of the flames was so close to Ring that he could not hear the calls from either side of the river, and he pushed desperately on and disappeared in the covered part.
“There was dead silence except for the crackling of the fire. Not a man cried out. All waited in hopeless expectancy. And then came a mighty yell from Northerner and Southerner alike, for Johnnie came crawling out of the end of the covered way–he had actually passed through that frightful place–and his clothes were ablaze, and he toppled over and fell into shallow water; and in a few moments he was dragged out, unconscious, and hurried to a hospital.
“He lingered for a day or so, still unconscious, and then came to himself and smiled a little as he found that the sword for which he had given his life had been left beside him. He took it in his arms. He hugged it to his breast. He gave a few words of final message for me. And that was all.”
Conwell’s voice had gone thrillingly low as he neared the end, for it was all so very, very vivid to him, and his eyes had grown tender and his lips more strong and firm. And he fell silent, thinking of that long-ago happening, and though he looked down upon the thronging traffic of Broad Street, it was clear that he did not see it, and that if the rumbling hubbub of sound meant anything to him it was the rumbling of the guns of the distant past. When he spoke again it was with a still tenser tone of feeling.
“When I stood beside the body of John Ring and realized that he had died for love of me, I made a vow that has formed my life. I vowed that from that moment I would live not only my own life, but that I would also live the life of John Ring. And from that moment I have worked sixteen hours every day–eight for John Ring’s work and eight hours for my own.”
A curious note had come into his voice, as of one who had run the race and neared the goal, fought the good fight and neared the end.
“Every morning when I rise I look at this sword, or if I am away from home I think of the sword, and vow anew that another day shall see sixteen hours of work from me.” And when one comes to know Russell Conwell one realizes that never did a man work more hard and constantly.
“It was through John Ring and his giving his life through devotion to me that I became a Christian,” he went on. “This did not come about immediately, but it came before the war was over, and it came through faithful Johnnie Ring.”
There is a little lonely cemetery in the Berkshires, a tiny burying-ground on a wind-swept hill, a few miles from Conwell’s old home. In this isolated burying-ground bushes and vines and grass grow in profusion, and a few trees cast a gentle shade; and tree-clad hills go billowing off for miles and miles in wild and lonely beauty. And in that lonely little graveyard I found the plain stone that marks the resting-place of John Ring. II. THE BEGINNING AT OLD LEXINGTON
IT is not because he is a minister that Russell Conwell is such a force in the world. He went into the ministry because he was sincerely and profoundly a Christian, and because he felt that as a minister he could do more good in the world than in any other capacity. But being a minister is but an incident, so to speak. The important thing is not that he is a minister, but that he is himself!
Recently I heard a New-Yorker, the head of a great corporation, say: “I believe that Russell Conwell is doing more good in the world than any man who has lived since Jesus Christ.” And he said this in serious and unexaggerated earnest.
Yet Conwell did not get readily into his life-work. He might have seemed almost a failure until he was well on toward forty, for although he kept making successes they were not permanent successes, and he did not settle himself into a definite line. He restlessly went westward to make his home, and then restlessly returned to the East. After the war was over he was a lawyer, he was a lecturer, he was an editor, he went around the world as a correspondent, he wrote books. He kept making money, and kept losing it; he lost it through fire, through investments, through aiding his friends. It is probable that the unsettledness of the years following the war was due to the unsettling effect of the war itself, which thus, in its influence, broke into his mature life after breaking into his years at Yale. But however that may be, those seething, changing, stirring years were years of vital importance to him, for in the myriad experiences of that time he was building the foundation of the Conwell that was to come. Abroad he met the notables of the earth. At home he made hosts of friends and loyal admirers.
It is worth while noting that as a lawyer he would never take a case, either civil or criminal, that he considered wrong. It was basic with him that he could not and would not fight on what he thought was the wrong side. Only when his client was right would he go ahead!
Yet he laughs, his quiet, infectious, characteristic laugh, as he tells of how once he was deceived, for he defended a man, charged with stealing a watch, who was so obviously innocent that he took the case in a blaze of indignation and had the young fellow proudly exonerated. The next day the wrongly accused one came to his office and shamefacedly took out the watch that he had been charged with stealing. “I want you to send it to the man I took it from,” he said. And he told with a sort of shamefaced pride of how he had got a good old deacon to give, in all sincerity, the evidence that exculpated him. “And, say, Mr. Conwell–I want to thank you for getting me off–and I hope you’ll excuse my deceiving you–and–I won’t be any worse for not going to jail.” And Conwell likes to remember that thereafter the young man lived up to the pride of exoneration; and, though Conwell does not say it or think it, one knows that it was the Conwell influence that inspired to honesty–for always he is an inspirer.
Conwell even kept certain hours for consultation with those too poor to pay any fee; and at one time, while still an active lawyer, he was guardian for over sixty children! The man has always been a marvel, and always one is coming upon such romantic facts as these.
That is a curious thing about him–how much there is of romance in his life! Worshiped to the end by John Ring; left for dead all night at Kenesaw Mountain; calmly singing “Nearer, my God, to Thee,” to quiet the passengers on a supposedly sinking ship; saving lives even when a boy; never disappointing a single audience of the thousands of audiences he has arranged to address during all his years of lecturing! He himself takes a little pride in this last point, and it is characteristic of him that he has actually forgotten that just once he did fail to appear: he has quite forgotten that one evening, on his way to a lecture, he stopped a runaway horse to save two women’s lives, and went in consequence to a hospital instead of to the platform! And it is typical of him to forget that sort of thing.
The emotional temperament of Conwell has always made him responsive to the great, the striking, the patriotic. He was deeply influenced by knowing John Brown, and his brief memories of Lincoln are intense, though he saw him but three times in all.
The first time he saw Lincoln was on the night when the future President delivered the address, which afterward became so famous, in Cooper Union, New York. The name of Lincoln was then scarcely known, and it was by mere chance that young Conwell happened to be in New York on that day. But being there, and learning that Abraham Lincoln from the West was going to make an address, he went to hear him.
He tells how uncouthly Lincoln was dressed, even with one trousers-leg higher than the other, and of how awkward he was, and of how poorly, at first, he spoke and with what apparent embarrassment. The chairman of the meeting got Lincoln a glass of water, and Conwell thought that it was from a personal desire to help him and keep him from breaking down. But he loves to tell how Lincoln became a changed man as he spoke; how he seemed to feel ashamed of his brief embarrassment and, pulling himself together and putting aside the written speech which he had prepared, spoke freely and powerfully, with splendid conviction, as only a born orator speaks. To Conwell it was a tremendous experience. The second time he saw Lincoln was when he went to Washington to plead for the life of one of his men who had been condemned to death for sleeping on post. He was still but a captain (his promotion to a colonelcy was still to come), a youth, and was awed by going into the presence of the man he worshiped. And his voice trembles a little, even now, as he tells of how pleasantly Lincoln looked up from his desk, and how cheerfully he asked his business with him, and of how absorbedly Lincoln then listened to his tale, although, so it appeared, he already knew of the main outline.
“It will be all right,” said Lincoln, when Conwell finished. But Conwell was still frightened. He feared that in the multiplicity of public matters this mere matter of the life of a mountain boy, a private soldier, might be forgotten till too late. “It is almost the time set–” he faltered. And Conwell’s voice almost breaks, man of emotion that he is, as he tells of how Lincoln said, with stern gravity: “Go and telegraph that soldier’s mother that Abraham Lincoln never signed a warrant to shoot a boy under twenty, and never will.” That was the one and only time that he spoke with Lincoln, and it remains an indelible impression.
The third time he saw Lincoln was when, as officer of the day, he stood for hours beside the dead body of the President as it lay in state in Washington. In those hours, as he stood rigidly as the throng went shuffling sorrowfully through, an immense impression came to Colonel Conwell of the work and worth of the man who there lay dead, and that impression has never departed.
John Brown, Abraham Lincoln, old Revolutionary Lexington–how Conwell’s life is associated with famous men and places!–and it was actually at Lexington that he made the crucial decision as to the course of his life! And it seems to me that it was, although quite unconsciously, because of the very fact that it was Lexington that Conwell was influenced to decide and to act as he did. Had it been in some other kind of place, some merely ordinary place, some quite usual place, he might not have taken the important step. But it was Lexington, it was brave old Lexington, inspiring Lexington; and he was inspired by it, for the man who himself inspires nobly is always the one who is himself open to noble inspiration. Lexington inspired him.
“When I was a lawyer in Boston and almost thirty-seven years old,” he told me, thinking slowly back into the years, “I was consulted by a woman who asked my advice in regard to disposing of a little church in Lexington whose congregation had become unable to support it. I went out and looked at the place, and I told her how the property could be sold. But it seemed a pity to me that the little church should be given up. However, I advised a meeting of the church members, and I attended the meeting. I put the case to them–it was only a handful of men and women–and there was silence for a little. Then an old man rose and, in a quavering voice, said the matter was quite clear; that there evidently was nothing to do but to sell, and that he would agree with the others in the necessity; but as the church had been his church home from boyhood, so he quavered and quivered on, he begged that they would excuse him from actually taking part in disposing of it; and in a deep silence he went haltingly from the room.
“The men and the women looked at one another, still silent, sadly impressed, but not knowing what to do. And I said to them: ‘Why not start over again, and go on with the church, after all!’”
Typical Conwellism, that! First, the impulse to help those who need helping, then the inspiration and leadership.
“‘But the building is entirely too tumble-down to use,’ said one of the men, sadly; and I knew he was right, for I had examined it; but I said:
“‘Let us meet there to-morrow morning and get to work on that building ourselves and put it in shape for a service next Sunday.’
“It made them seem so pleased and encouraged, and so confident that a new possibility was opening that I never doubted that each one of those present, and many friends besides, would be at the building in the morning. I was there early with a hammer and ax and crowbar that I had secured, ready to go to work–but no one else showed up!”
He has a rueful appreciation of the humor of it, as he pictured the scene; and one knows also that, in that little town of Lexington, where Americans had so bravely faced the impossible, Russell Conwell also braced himself to face the impossible. A pettier man would instantly have given up the entire matter when those who were most interested failed to respond, but one of the strongest features in Conwell’s character is his ability to draw even doubters and weaklings into line, his ability to stir even those who have given up. “I looked over that building,” he goes on, whimsically, “and I saw that repair really seemed out of the question. Nothing but a new church would do! So I took the ax that I had brought with me and began chopping the place down. In a little while a man, not one of the church members, came along, and he watched me for a time and said, ‘What are you going to do there?’
“And I instantly replied, ‘Tear down this old building and build a new church here!’
“He looked at me. ‘But the people won’t do that,’ he said.
“‘Yes, they will,’ I said, cheerfully, keeping at my work. Whereupon he watched me a few minutes longer and said:
“‘Well, you can put me down for one hundred dollars for the new building. Come up to my livery-stable and get it this evening.’
“‘All right; I’ll surely be there,’ I replied.
“In a little while another man came along and stopped and looked, and he rather gibed at the idea of a new church, and when I told him of the livery-stable man contributing one hundred dollars, he said, ‘But you haven’t got the money yet!’
“‘No,’ I said; ‘but I am going to get it to-night.’
“‘You’ll never get it,’ he said. ‘He’s not that sort of a man. He’s not even a church man!’
“But I just went quietly on with the work, without answering, and after quite a while he left; but he called back, as he went off, ‘Well, if he does give you that hundred dollars, come to me and I’ll give you another hundred.’”
Conwell smiles in genial reminiscence and without any apparent sense that he is telling of a great personal triumph, and goes on:
“Those two men both paid the money, and of course the church people themselves, who at first had not quite understood that I could be in earnest, joined in and helped, with work and money, and as, while the new church was building, it was peculiarly important to get and keep the congregation together, and as they had ceased to have a minister of their own, I used to run out from Boston and preach for them, in a room we hired.
“And it was there in Lexington, in 1879, that I determined to become a minister. I had a good law practice, but I determined to give it up. For many years I had felt more or less of a call to the ministry, and here at length was the definite time to begin.
“Week by week I preached there”–how strange, now, to think of William Dean Howells and the colonel-preacher!–“and after a while the church was completed, and in that very church, there in Lexington, I was ordained a minister.”
A marvelous thing, all this, even without considering the marvelous heights that Conwell has since attained–a marvelous thing, an achievement of positive romance! That little church stood for American bravery and initiative and self-sacrifice and romanticism in a way that well befitted good old Lexington.
To leave a large and overflowing law practice and take up the ministry at a salary of six hundred dollars a year seemed to the relatives of Conwell’s wife the extreme of foolishness, and they did not hesitate so to express themselves. Naturally enough, they did not have Conwell’s vision. Yet he himself was fair enough to realize and to admit that there was a good deal of fairness in their objections; and so he said to the congregation that, although he was quite ready to come for the six hundred dollars a year, he expected them to double his salary as soon as he doubled the church membership. This seemed to them a good deal like a joke, but they answered in perfect earnestness that they would be quite willing to do the doubling as soon as he did the doubling, and in less than a year the salary was doubled accordingly.
I asked him if he had found it hard to give up the lucrative law for a poor ministry, and his reply gave a delightful impression of his capacity for humorous insight into human nature, for he said, with a genial twinkle:
“Oh yes, it was a wrench; but there is a sort of romance of self-sacrifice, you know. I rather suppose the old-time martyrs rather enjoyed themselves in being martyrs!”
Conwell did not stay very long in Lexington. A struggling little church in Philadelphia heard of what he was doing, and so an old deacon went up to see and hear him, and an invitation was given; and as the Lexington church seemed to be prosperously on its feet, and the needs of the Philadelphia body keenly appealed to Conwell’s imagination, a change was made, and at a salary of eight hundred dollars a year he went, in 1882, to the little struggling Philadelphia congregation, and of that congregation he is still pastor–only, it ceased to be a struggling congregation a great many years ago! And long ago it began paying him more thousands every year than at first it gave him hundreds.
Dreamer as Conwell always is in connection with his immense practicality, and moved as he is by the spiritual influences of life, it is more than likely that not only did Philadelphia’s need appeal, but also the fact that Philadelphia, as a city, meant much to him, for, coming North, wounded from a battle-field of the Civil War, it was in Philadelphia that he was cared for until his health and strength were recovered. Thus it came that Philadelphia had early become dear to him.
And here is an excellent example of how dreaming great dreams may go hand-in-hand with winning superb results. For that little struggling congregation now owns and occupies a great new church building that seats more people than any other Protestant church in America–and Dr. Conwell fills it! III. STORY OF THE FIFTY-SEVEN CENTS
AT every point in Conwell’s life one sees that he wins through his wonderful personal influence on old and young. Every step forward, every triumph achieved, comes not alone from his own enthusiasm, but because of his putting that enthusiasm into others. And when I learned how it came about that the present church buildings were begun, it was another of those marvelous tales of fact that are stranger than any imagination could make them. And yet the tale was so simple and sweet and sad and unpretending.
When Dr. Conwell first assumed charge of the little congregation that led him to Philadelphia it was really a little church both in its numbers and in the size of the building that it occupied, but it quickly became so popular under his leadership that the church services and Sunday-school services were alike so crowded that there was no room for all who came, and always there were people turned from the doors.
One afternoon a little girl, who had eagerly wished to go, turned back from the Sunday-school door, crying bitterly because they had told her that there was no more room. But a tall, black-haired man met her and noticed her tears and, stopping, asked why it was that she was crying, and she sobbingly replied that it was because they could not let her into the Sunday-school.
“I lifted her to my shoulder,” says Dr. Conwell, in telling of this; for after hearing the story elsewhere I asked him to tell it to me himself, for it seemed almost too strange to be true. “I lifted her to my shoulder”–and one realizes the pretty scene it must have made for the little girl to go through the crowd of people, drying her tears and riding proudly on the shoulders of the kindly, tall, dark man! “I said to her that I would take her in, and I did so, and I said to her that we should some day have a room big enough for all who should come. And when she went home she told her parents–I only learned this afterward–that she was going to save money to help build the larger church and Sunday-school that Dr. Conwell wanted! Her parents pleasantly humored her in the idea and let her run errands and do little tasks to earn pennies, and she began dropping the pennies into her bank.”
“She was a lovable little thing–but in only a few weeks after that she was taken suddenly ill and died; and at the funeral her father told me, quietly, of how his little girl had been saving money for a building-fund. And there, at the funeral, he handed me what she had saved–just fifty-seven cents in pennies.”
Dr. Conwell does not say how deeply he was moved; he is, after all, a man of very few words as to his own emotions. But a deep tenderness had crept into his voice.
“At a meeting of the church trustees I told of this gift of fifty-seven cents–the first gift toward the proposed building-fund of the new church that was some time to exist. For until then the matter had barely been spoken of, as a new church building had been simply a possibility for the future.
“The trustees seemed much impressed, and it turned out that they were far more impressed than I could possibly have hoped, for in a few days one of them came to me and said that he thought it would be an excellent idea to buy a lot on Broad Street–the very lot on which the building now stands.” It was characteristic of Dr. Conwell that he did not point out, what every one who knows him would understand, that it was his own inspiration put into the trustees which resulted in this quick and definite move on the part of one of them. “I talked the matter over with the owner of the property, and told him of the beginning of the fund, the story of the little girl. The man was not one of our church, nor in fact, was he a church-goer at all, but he listened attentively to the tale of the fifty-seven cents and simply said he was quite ready to go ahead and sell us that piece of land for ten thousand dollars, taking–and the unexpectedness of this deeply touched me taking a first payment of just fifty-seven cents and letting the entire balance stand on a five-per-cent. mortgage! “And it seemed to me that it would be the right thing to accept this unexpectedly liberal proposition, and I went over the entire matter on that basis with the trustees and some of the other members, and all the people were soon talking of having a new church. But it was not done in that way, after all, for, fine though that way would have been, there was to be one still finer.
“Not long after my talk with the man who owned the land, and his surprisingly good-hearted proposition, an exchange was arranged for me one evening with a Mount Holly church, and my wife went with me. We came back late, and it was cold and wet and miserable, but as we approached our home we saw that it was all lighted from top to bottom, and it was clear that it was full of people. I said to my wife that they seemed to be having a better time than we had had, and we went in, curious to know what it was all about. And it turned out that our absence had been intentionally arranged, and that the church people had gathered at our home to meet us on our return. And I was utterly amazed, for the spokesman told me that the entire ten thousand dollars had been raised and that the land for the church that I wanted was free of debt. And all had come so quickly and directly from that dear little girl’s fifty-seven cents.”
Doesn’t it seem like a fairy tale! But then this man has all his life been making fairy tales into realities. He inspired the child. He inspired the trustees. He inspired the owner of the land. He inspired the people.
The building of the great church–the Temple Baptist Church, as it is termed–was a great undertaking for the congregation; even though it had been swiftly growing from the day of Dr. Conwell’s taking charge of it, it was something far ahead of what, except in the eyes of an enthusiast, they could possibly complete and pay for and support. Nor was it an easy task.
Ground was broken for the building in 1889, in 1891 it was opened for worship, and then came years of raising money to clear it. But it was long ago placed completely out of debt, and with only a single large subscription–one of ten thousand dollars–for the church is not in a wealthy neighborhood, nor is the congregation made up of the great and rich.
The church is built of stone, and its interior is a great amphitheater. Special attention has been given to fresh air and light; there is nothing of the dim, religious light that goes with medieval churchliness. Behind the pulpit are tiers of seats for the great chorus choir. There is a large organ. The building is peculiarly adapted for hearing and seeing, and if it is not, strictly speaking, beautiful in itself, it is beautiful when it is filled with encircling rows of men and women.
Man of feeling that he is, and one who appreciates the importance of symbols, Dr. Conwell had a heart of olive-wood built into the front of the pulpit, for the wood was from an olive-tree in the Garden of Gethsemane. And the amber-colored tiles in the inner walls of the church bear, under the glaze, the names of thousands of his people; for every one, young or old, who helped in the building, even to the giving of a single dollar, has his name inscribed there. For Dr. Conwell wished to show that it is not only the house of the Lord, but also, in a keenly personal sense, the house of those who built it.
The church has a possible seating capacity of 4,200, although only 3,135 chairs have been put in it, for it has been the desire not to crowd the space needlessly. There is also a great room for the Sunday-school, and extensive rooms for the young men’s association, the young women’s association, and for a kitchen, for executive offices, for meeting-places for church officers and boards and committees. It is a spacious and practical and complete church home, and the people feel at home there.
“You see again,” said Dr. Conwell, musingly, “the advantage of aiming at big things. That building represents $109,000 above ground. It is free from debt. Had we built a small church, it would now be heavily mortgaged.” IV. HIS POWER AS ORATOR AND PREACHER
EVEN as a young man Conwell won local fame as an orator. At the outbreak of the Civil War he began making patriotic speeches that gained enlistments. After going to the front he was sent back home for a time, on furlough, to make more speeches to draw more recruits, for his speeches were so persuasive, so powerful, so full of homely and patriotic feeling, that the men who heard them thronged into the ranks. And as a preacher he uses persuasion, power, simple and homely eloquence, to draw men to the ranks of Christianity.
He is an orator born, and has developed this inborn power by the hardest of study and thought and practice. He is one of those rare men who always seize and hold the attention. When he speaks, men listen. It is quality, temperament, control–the word is immaterial, but the fact is very material indeed.
Some quarter of a century ago Conwell published a little book for students on the study and practice of oratory. That “clear-cut articulation is the charm of eloquence” is one of his insisted-upon statements, and it well illustrates the lifelong practice of the man himself, for every word as he talks can be heard in every part of a large building, yet always he speaks without apparent effort. He avoids “elocution.” His voice is soft-pitched and never breaks, even now when he is over seventy, because, so he explains it, he always speaks in his natural voice. There is never a straining after effect.
“A speaker must possess a large-hearted regard for the welfare of his audience,” he writes, and here again we see Conwell explaining Conwellism. “Enthusiasm invites enthusiasm,” is another of his points of importance; and one understands that it is by deliberate purpose, and not by chance, that he tries with such tremendous effort to put enthusiasm into his hearers with every sermon and every lecture that he delivers.
“It is easy to raise a laugh, but dangerous, for it is the greatest test of an orator’s control of his audience to be able to land them again on the solid earth of sober thinking.” I have known him at the very end of a sermon have a ripple of laughter sweep freely over the entire congregation, and then in a moment he has every individual under his control, listening soberly to his words.
He never fears to use humor, and it is always very simple and obvious and effective. With him even a very simple pun may be used, not only with-out taking away from the strength of what he is saying, but with a vivid increase of impressiveness. And when he says something funny it is in such a delightful and confidential way, with such a genial, quiet, infectious humorousness, that his audience is captivated. And they never think that he is telling something funny of his own; it seems, such is the skill of the man, that he is just letting them know of something humorous that they are to enjoy with him.
“Be absolutely truthful and scrupulously clear,” he writes; and with delightfully terse common sense, he says, “Use illustrations that illustrate”–and never did an orator live up to this injunction more than does Conwell himself. Nothing is more surprising, nothing is more interesting, than the way in which he makes use as illustrations of the impressions and incidents of his long and varied life, and, whatever it is, it has direct and instant bearing on the progress of his discourse. He will refer to something that he heard a child say in a train yesterday; in a few minutes he will speak of something that he saw or some one whom he met last month, or last year, or ten years ago–in Ohio, in California, in London, in Paris, in New York, in Bombay; and each memory, each illustration, is a hammer with which he drives home a truth.
The vast number of places he has visited and people he has met, the infinite variety of things his observant eyes have seen, give him his ceaseless flow of illustrations, and his memory and his skill make admirable use of them. It is seldom that he uses an illustration from what he has read; everything is, characteristically, his own. Henry M. Stanley, who knew him well, referred to him as “that double-sighted Yankee,” who could “see at a glance all there is and all there ever was.”
And never was there a man who so supplements with personal reminiscence the place or the person that has figured in the illustration. When he illustrates with the story of the discovery of California gold at Sutter’s he almost parenthetically remarks, “I delivered this lecture on that very spot a few years ago; that is, in the town that arose on that very spot.” And when he illustrates by the story of the invention of the sewing-machine, he adds: “I suppose that if any of you were asked who was the inventor of the sewing-machine, you would say that it was Elias Howe. But that would be a mistake. I was with Elias Howe in the Civil War, and he often used to tell me how he had tried for fourteen years to invent the sewing-machine and that then his wife, feeling that something really had to be done, invented it in a couple of hours.” Listening to him, you begin to feel in touch with everybody and everything, and in a friendly and intimate way. Always, whether in the pulpit or on the platform, as in private conversation, there is an absolute simplicity about the man and his words; a simplicity, an earnestness, a complete honesty. And when he sets down, in his book on oratory, “A man has no right to use words carelessly,” he stands for that respect for word-craftsmanship that every successful speaker or writer must feel.
“Be intensely in earnest,” he writes; and in writing this he sets down a prime principle not only of his oratory, but of his life.
A young minister told me that Dr. Conwell once said to him, with deep feeling, “Always remember, as you preach, that you are striving to save at least one soul with every sermon.” And to one of his close friends Dr. Conwell said, in one of his self-revealing conversations:
“I feel, whenever I preach, that there is always one person in the congregation to whom, in all probability, I shall never preach again, and therefore I feel that I must exert my utmost power in that last chance.” And in this, even if this were all, one sees why each of his sermons is so impressive, and why his energy never lags. Always, with him, is the feeling that he is in the world to do all the good he can possibly do; not a moment, not an opportunity, must be lost.
The moment he rises and steps to the front of his pulpit he has the attention of every one in the building, and this attention he closely holds till he is through. Yet it is never by a striking effort that attention is gained, except in so far that his utter simplicity is striking. “I want to preach so simply that you will not think it preaching, but just that you are listening to a friend,” I remember his saying, one Sunday morning, as he began his sermon; and then he went on just as simply as such homely, kindly, friendly words promised. And how effectively!
He believes that everything should be so put as to be understood by all, and this belief he applies not only to his preaching, but to the reading of the Bible, whose descriptions he not only visualizes to himself, but makes vividly clear to his hearers; and this often makes for fascination in result.
For example, he is reading the tenth chapter of I Samuel, and begins, “‘Thou shalt meet a company of prophets.’”
“‘Singers,’ it should be translated,” he puts in, lifting his eyes from the page and looking out over his people. Then he goes on, taking this change as a matter of course, “‘Thou shalt meet a company of singers coming down from the high place–’”
Whereupon he again interrupts himself, and in an irresistible explanatory aside, which instantly raises the desired picture in the mind of every one, he says: “That means, from the little old church on the hill, you know.” And how plain and clear and real and interesting–most of all, interesting–it is from this moment! Another man would have left it that prophets were coming down from a high place, which would not have seemed at all alive or natural, and here, suddenly, Conwell has flashed his picture of the singers coming down from the little old church on the hill! There is magic in doing that sort of thing.
And he goes on, now reading: “‘Thou shalt meet a company of singers coming down from the little old church on the hill, with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, and they shall sing.’”
Music is one of Conwell’s strongest aids. He sings himself; sings as if he likes to sing, and often finds himself leading the singing–usually so, indeed, at the prayer-meetings, and often, in effect, at the church services.
I remember at one church service that the choir-leader was standing in front of the massed choir ostensibly leading the singing, but that Conwell himself, standing at the rear of the pulpit platform, with his eyes on his hymn-book, silently swaying a little with the music and unconsciously beating time as he swayed, was just as unconsciously the real leader, for it was he whom the congregation were watching and with him that they were keeping time! He never suspected it; he was merely thinking along with the music; and there was such a look of contagious happiness on his face as made every one in the building similarly happy. For he possesses a mysterious faculty of imbuing others with his own happiness.
Not only singers, but the modern equivalent of psaltery and tabret and cymbals, all have their place in Dr. Conwell’s scheme of church service; for there may be a piano, and there may even be a trombone, and there is a great organ to help the voices, and at times there are chiming bells. His musical taste seems to tend toward the thunderous–or perhaps it is only that he knows there are times when people like to hear the thunderous and are moved by it. And how the choir themselves like it! They occupy a great curving space behind the pulpit, and put their hearts into song. And as the congregation disperse and the choir filter down, sometimes they are still singing and some of them continue to sing as they go slowly out toward the doors. They are happy–Conwell himself is happy–all the congregation are happy. He makes everybody feel happy in coming to church; he makes the church attractive just as Howells was so long ago told that he did in Lexington.
And there is something more than happiness; there is a sense of ease, of comfort, of general joy, that is quite unmistakable. There is nothing of stiffness or constraint. And with it all there is full reverence. It is no wonder that he is accustomed to fill every seat of the great building.
His gestures are usually very simple. Now and then, when he works up to emphasis, he strikes one fist in the palm of the other hand. When he is through you do not remember that he has made any gestures at all, but the sound of his voice remains with you, and the look of his wonderful eyes. And though he is past the threescore years and ten, he looks out over his people with eyes that still have the veritable look of youth.
Like all great men, he not only does big things, but keeps in touch with myriad details. When his assistant, announcing the funeral of an old member, hesitates about the street and number and says that they can be found in the telephone directory, Dr. Conwell’s deep voice breaks quietly in with, “Such a number [giving it], Dauphin Street”–quietly, and in a low tone, yet every one in the church hears distinctly every syllable of that low voice.
His fund of personal anecdote, or personal reminiscence, is constant and illustrative in his preaching, just as it is when he lectures, and the reminiscences sweep through many years, and at times are really startling in the vivid and homelike pictures they present of the famous folk of the past that he knew.
One Sunday evening he made an almost casual reference to the time when he first met Garfield, then a candidate for the Presidency. “I asked Major McKinley, whom I had met in Washington, and whose home was in northern Ohio, as was that of Mr. Garfield, to go with me to Mr. Garfield’s home and introduce me. When we got there, a neighbor had to find him. ‘Jim! Jim!’ he called. You see, Garfield was just plain Jim to his old neighbors. It’s hard to recognize a hero over your back fence!” He paused a moment for the appreciative ripple to subside, and went on:
“We three talked there together”–what a rare talking that must have been-McKinley, Garfield, and Conwell–“we talked together, and after a while we got to the subject of hymns, and those two great men both told me how deeply they loved the old hymn, ‘The Old-Time Religion.’ Garfield especially loved it, so he told us, because the good old man who brought him up as a boy and to whom he owed such gratitude, used to sing it at the pasture bars outside of the boy’s window every morning, and young Jim knew, whenever he heard that old tune, that it meant it was time for him to get up. He said that he had heard the best concerts and the finest operas in the world, but had never heard anything he loved as he still loved ‘The Old-Time Religion.’ I forget what reason there was for McKinley’s especially liking it, but he, as did Garfield, liked it immensely.”
What followed was a striking example of Conwell’s intentness on losing no chance to fix an impression on his hearers’ minds, and at the same time it was a really astonishing proof of his power to move and sway. For a new expression came over his face, and he said, as if the idea had only at that moment occurred to him–as it most probably had–“I think it’s in our hymnal!” And in a moment he announced the number, and the great organ struck up, and every person in the great church every man, woman, and child–joined in the swinging rhythm of verse after verse, as if they could never tire, of “The Old-Time Religion.” It is a simple melody–barely more than a single line of almost monotone music:
_It was good enough for mother and it’s good enough for me! It was good on the fiery furnace and it’s good enough for me!_
Thus it went on, with never-wearying iteration, and each time with the refrain, more and more rhythmic and swaying:
_The old-time religion, The old-time religion, The old-time religion– It’s good enough for me!_
That it was good for the Hebrew children, that it was good for Paul and Silas, that it will help you when you’re dying, that it will show the way to heaven–all these and still other lines were sung, with a sort of wailing softness, a curious monotone, a depth of earnestness. And the man who had worked this miracle of control by evoking out of the past his memory of a meeting with two of the vanished great ones of the earth, stood before his people, leading them, singing with them, his eyes aglow with an inward light. His magic had suddenly set them into the spirit of the old camp-meeting days, the days of pioneering and hardship, when religion meant so much to everybody, and even those who knew nothing of such things felt them, even if but vaguely. Every heart was moved and touched, and that old tune will sing in the memory of all who thus heard it and sung it as long as they live. V. GIFT FOR INSPIRING OTHERS
THE constant earnestness of Conwell, his desire to let no chance slip by of helping a fellowman, puts often into his voice, when he preaches, a note of eagerness, of anxiety. But when he prays, when he turns to God, his manner undergoes a subtle and unconscious change. A load has slipped off his shoulders and has been assumed by a higher power. Into his bearing, dignified though it was, there comes an unconscious increase of the dignity. Into his voice, firm as it was before, there comes a deeper note of firmness. He is apt to fling his arms widespread as he prays, in a fine gesture that he never uses at other times, and he looks upward with the dignity of a man who, talking to a higher being, is proud of being a friend and confidant. One does not need to be a Christian to appreciate the beauty and fineness of Conwell’s prayers.
He is likely at any time to do the unexpected, and he is so great a man and has such control that whatever he does seems to everybody a perfectly natural thing. His sincerity is so evident, and whatever he does is done so simply and naturally, that it is just a matter of course.
I remember, during one church service, while the singing was going on, that he suddenly rose from his chair and, kneeling beside it, on the open pulpit, with his back to the congregation, remained in that posture for several minutes. No one thought it strange. I was likely enough the only one who noticed it. His people are used to his sincerities. And this time it was merely that he had a few words to say quietly to God and turned aside for a few moments to say them.
His earnestness of belief in prayer makes him a firm believer in answers to prayer, and, in fact, to what may be termed the direct interposition of Providence. Doubtless the mystic strain inherited from his mother has also much to do with this. He has a typically homely way of expressing it by one of his favorite maxims, one that he loves to repeat encouragingly to friends who are in difficulties themselves or who know of the difficulties that are his; and this heartening maxim is, “Trust in God and do the next thing.”
At one time in the early days of his church work in Philadelphia a payment of a thousand dollars was absolutely needed to prevent a law-suit in regard to a debt for the church organ. In fact, it was worse than a debt; it was a note signed by himself personally, that had become due–he was always ready to assume personal liability for debts of his church–and failure to meet the note would mean a measure of disgrace as well as marked church discouragement.
He had tried all the sources that seemed open to him, but in vain. He could not openly appeal to the church members, in this case, for it was in the early days of his pastorate, and his zeal for the organ, his desire and determination to have it, as a necessary part of church equipment, had outrun the judgment of some of his best friends, including that of the deacon who had gone to Massachusetts for him. They had urged a delay till other expenses were met, and he had acted against their advice.
He had tried such friends as he could, and he had tried prayer. But there was no sign of aid, whether supernatural or natural.
And then, literally on the very day on which the holder of the note was to begin proceedings against him, a check for precisely the needed one thousand dollars came to him, by mail, from a man in the West–a man who was a total stranger to him. It turned out that the man’s sister, who was one of the Temple membership, had written to her brother of Dr. Conwell’s work. She knew nothing of any special need for money, knew nothing whatever of any note or of the demand for a thousand dollars; she merely outlined to her brother what Dr. Conwell was accomplishing, and with such enthusiasm that the brother at once sent the opportune check.
At a later time the sum of ten thousand dollars was importunately needed. It was due, payment had been promised. It was for some of the construction work of the Temple University buildings. The last day had come, and Conwell and the very few who knew of the emergency were in the depths of gloom. It was too large a sum to ask the church people to make up, for they were not rich and they had already been giving splendidly, of their slender means, for the church and then for the university. There was no rich man to turn to; the men famous for enormous charitable gifts have never let themselves be interested in any of the work of Russell Conwell. It would be unkind and gratuitous to suggest that it has been because their names could not be personally attached, or because the work is of an unpretentious kind among unpretentious people; it need merely be said that neither they nor their agents have cared to aid, except that one of the very richest, whose name is the most distinguished in the entire world as a giver, did once, in response to a strong personal application, give thirty-five hundred dollars, this being the extent of the association of the wealthy with any of the varied Conwell work. So when it was absolutely necessary to have ten thousand dollars the possibilities of money had been exhausted, whether from congregation or individuals.
Russell Conwell, in spite of his superb optimism, is also a man of deep depressions, and this is because of the very fire and fervor of his nature, for always in such a nature there is a balancing. He believes in success; success must come!–success is in itself almost a religion with him–success for himself and for all the world who will try for it! But there are times when he is sad and doubtful over some particular possibility. And he intensely believes in prayer–faith can move mountains; but always he believes that it is better not to wait for the mountains thus to be moved, but to go right out and get to work at moving them. And once in a while there comes a time when the mountain looms too threatening, even after the bravest efforts and the deepest trust. Such a time had come–the ten-thousand-dollar debt was a looming mountain that he had tried in vain to move. He could still pray, and he did, but it was one of the times when he could only think that something had gone wrong.
The dean of the university, who has been closely in touch with all his work for many years, told me of how, in a discouragement which was the more notable through contrast with his usual unfailing courage, he left the executive offices for his home, a couple of blocks away.
“He went away with everything looking dark before him. It was Christmas-time, but the very fact of its being Christmas only added to his depression–Christmas was such an unnatural time for unhappiness! But in a few minutes he came flying back, radiant, overjoyed, sparkling with happiness, waving a slip of paper in his hand which was a check for precisely ten thousand dollars! For he had just drawn it out of an envelope handed to him, as he reached home, by the mail-carrier.
“And it had come so strangely and so naturally! For the check was from a woman who was profoundly interested in his work, and who had sent the check knowing that in a general way it was needed, but without the least idea that there was any immediate need. That was eight or nine years ago, but although the donor was told at the time that Dr. Conwell and all of us were most grateful for the gift, it was not until very recently that she was told how opportune it was. And the change it made in Dr. Conwell! He is a great man for maxims, and all of us who are associated with him know that one of his favorites is that ‘It will all come out right some time!’ And of course we had a rare opportunity to tell him that he ought never to be discouraged. And it is so seldom that he is!”
When the big new church was building the members of the church were vaguely disturbed by noticing, when the structure reached the second story, that at that height, on the side toward the vacant and unbought land adjoining, there were several doors built that opened literally into nothing but space!
When asked about these doors and their purpose, Dr. Conwell would make some casual reply, generally to the effect that they might be excellent as fire-escapes. To no one, for quite a while, did he broach even a hint of the great plan that was seething in his mind, which was that the buildings of a university were some day to stand on that land immediately adjoining the church!
At that time the university, the Temple University as it is now called, was not even a college, although it was probably called a college. Conwell had organized it, and it consisted of a number of classes and teachers, meeting in highly inadequate quarters in two little houses. But the imagination of Conwell early pictured great new buildings with accommodations for thousands! In time the dream was realized, the imagination became a fact, and now those second-floor doors actually open from the Temple Church into the Temple University!
You see, he always thinks big! He dreams big dreams and wins big success. All his life he has talked and preached success, and it is a real and very practical belief with him that it is just as easy to do a large thing as a small one, and, in fact, a little easier! And so he naturally does not see why one should be satisfied with the small things of life. “If your rooms are big the people will come and fill them,” he likes to say. The same effort that wins a small success would, rightly directed, have won a great success. “Think big things and then do them!”
Most favorite of all maxims with this man of maxims, is “Let Patience have her perfect work.” Over and over he loves to say it, and his friends laugh about his love for it, and he knows that they do and laughs about it himself. “I tire them all,” he says, “for they hear me say it every day.” But he says it every day because it means so much to him. It stands, in his mind, as a constant warning against anger or impatience or over-haste–faults to which his impetuous temperament is prone, though few have ever seen him either angry or impatient or hasty, so well does he exercise self-control. Those who have long known him well have said to me that they have never heard him censure any one; that his forbearance and kindness are wonderful.
He is a sensitive man beneath his composure; he has suffered, and keenly, when he has been unjustly attacked; he feels pain of that sort for a long time, too, for even the passing of years does not entirely deaden it.
“When I have been hurt, or when I have talked with annoying cranks, I have tried to let Patience have her perfect work, for those very people, if you have patience with them, may afterward be of help.”
And he went on to talk a little of his early years in Philadelphia, and he said, with sadness, that it had pained him to meet with opposition, and that it had even come from ministers of his own denomination, for he had been so misunderstood and misjudged; but, he added, the momentary somberness lifting, even his bitter enemies had been won over with patience.
I could understand a good deal of what he meant, for one of the Baptist ministers of Philadelphia had said to me, with some shame, that at first it used actually to be the case that when Dr. Conwell would enter one of the regular ministers’ meetings, all would hold aloof, not a single one stepping forward to meet or greet him.
“And it was all through our jealousy of his success,” said the minister, vehemently. “He came to this city a stranger, and he won instant popularity, and we couldn’t stand it, and so we pounced upon things that he did that were altogether unimportant. The rest of us were so jealous of his winning throngs that we couldn’t see the good in him. And it hurt Dr. Conwell so much that for ten years he did not come to our conferences. But all this was changed long ago. Now no minister is so welcomed as he is, and I don’t believe that there ever has been a single time since he started coming again that he hasn’t been asked to say something to us. We got over our jealousy long ago and we all love him.”
Nor is it only that the clergymen of his own denomination admire him, for not long ago, such having been Dr. Conwell’s triumph in the city of his adoption, the rector of the most powerful and aristocratic church in Philadelphia voluntarily paid lofty tribute to his aims and ability, his work and his personal worth. “He is an inspiration to his brothers in the ministry of Jesus Christ,” so this Episcopalian rector wrote. “He is a friend to all that is good, a foe to all that is evil, a strength to the weak, a comforter to the sorrowing, a man of God. These words come from the heart of one who loves, honors, and reverences him for his character and his deeds.”
Dr. Conwell did some beautiful and unusual things in his church, instituted some beautiful and unusual customs, and one can see how narrow and hasty criticisms charged him, long ago, with sensationalism–charges long since forgotten except through the hurt still felt by Dr. Conwell himself. “They used to charge me with making a circus of the church–as if it were possible for me to make a circus of the church!” And his tone was one of grieved amazement after all these years.
But he was original and he was popular, and therefore there were misunderstanding and jealousy. His Easter services, for example, years ago, became widely talked of and eagerly anticipated because each sermon would be wrought around some fine symbol; and he would hold in his hand, in the pulpit, the blue robin’s egg, or the white dove, or the stem of lilies, or whatever he had chosen as the particular symbol for the particular sermon, and that symbol would give him the central thought for his discourse, accented as it would be by the actual symbol itself in view of the congregation. The cross lighted by electricity, to shine down over the baptismal pool, the little stream of water cascading gently down the steps of the pool during the baptismal rite, the roses floating in the pool and his gift of one of them to each of the baptized as he or she left the water–all such things did seem, long ago, so unconventional. Yet his own people recognized the beauty and poetry of them, and thousands of Bibles in Philadelphia have a baptismal rose from Dr. Conwell pressed within the pages.
His constant individuality of mind, his constant freshness, alertness, brilliancy, warmth, sympathy, endear him to his congregation, and when he returns from an absence they bubble and effervesce over him as if he were some brilliant new preacher just come to them. He is always new to them. Were it not that he possesses some remarkable quality of charm he would long ago have become, so to speak, an old story, but instead of that he is to them an always new story, an always entertaining and delightful story, after all these years.
It is not only that they still throng to hear him either preach or lecture, though that itself would be noticeable, but it is the delightful and delighted spirit with which they do it. Just the other evening I heard him lecture in his own church, just after his return from an absence, and every face beamed happily up at him to welcome him back, and every one listened as intently to his every word as if he had never been heard there before; and when the lecture was over a huge bouquet of flowers was handed up to him, and some one embarrassedly said a few words about its being because he was home again. It was all as if he had just returned from an absence of months–and he had been away just five and a half days! VI. MILLIONS OF HEARERS
THAT Conwell is not primarily a minister–that he is a minister because he is a sincere Christian, but that he is first of all an Abou Ben Adhem, a man who loves his fellow-men, becomes more and more apparent as the scope of his life-work is recognized. One almost comes to think that his pastorate of a great church is even a minor matter beside the combined importance of his educational work, his lecture work, his hospital work, his work in general as a helper to those who need help.
For my own part, I should say that he is like some of the old-time prophets, the strong ones who found a great deal to attend to in addition to matters of religion. The power, the ruggedness, the physical and mental strength, the positive grandeur of the man–all these are like the general conceptions of the big Old Testament prophets. The suggestion is given only because it has often recurred, and therefore with the feeling that there is something more than fanciful in the com-parison; and yet, after all, the comparison fails in one important particular, for none of the prophets seems to have had a sense of humor!
It is perhaps better and more accurate to describe him as the last of the old school of American philosophers, the last of those sturdy-bodied, high-thinking, achieving men who, in the old days, did their best to set American humanity in the right path–such men as Emerson, Alcott, Gough, Wendell Phillips, Garrison, Bayard Taylor, Beecher; men whom Conwell knew and admired in the long ago, and all of whom have long since passed away.
And Conwell, in his going up and down the country, inspiring his thousands and thousands, is the survivor of that old-time group who used to travel about, dispensing wit and wisdom and philosophy and courage to the crowded benches of country lyceums, and the chairs of school-houses and town halls, or the larger and more pretentious gathering-places of the cities.
Conwell himself is amused to remember that he wanted to talk in public from his boyhood, and that very early he began to yield to the inborn impulse. He laughs as he remembers the variety of country fairs and school commencements and anniversaries and even sewing-circles where he tried his youthful powers, and all for experience alone, in the first few years, except possibly for such a thing as a ham or a jack-knife! The first money that he ever received for speaking was, so he remembers with glee, seventy-five cents; and even that was not for his talk, but for horse hire! But at the same time there is more than amusement in recalling these experiences, for he knows that they were invaluable to him as training. And for over half a century he has affectionately remembered John B. Gough, who, in the height of his own power and success, saw resolution and possibilities in the ardent young hill-man, and actually did him the kindness and the honor of introducing him to an audience in one of the Massachusetts towns; and it was really a great kindness and a great honor, from a man who had won his fame to a young man just beginning an oratorical career.
Conwell’s lecturing has been, considering everything, the most important work of his life, for by it he has come into close touch with so many millions–literally millions!–of people.
I asked him once if he had any idea how many he had talked to in the course of his career, and he tried to estimate how many thousands of times he had lectured, and the average attendance for each, but desisted when he saw that it ran into millions of hearers. What a marvel is such a fact as that! Millions of hearers!
I asked the same question of his private secretary, and found that no one had ever kept any sort of record; but as careful an estimate as could be made gave a conservative result of fully eight million hearers for his lectures; and adding the number to whom he has preached, who have been over five million, there is a total of well over thirteen million who have listened to Russell Conwell’s voice! And this staggering total is, if anything, an underestimate. The figuring was done cautiously and was based upon such facts as that he now addresses an average of over forty-five hundred at his Sunday services (an average that would be higher were it not that his sermons in vacation time are usually delivered in little churches; when at home, at the Temple, he addresses three meetings every Sunday), and that he lectures throughout the entire course of each year, including six nights a week of lecturing during vacation-time. What a power is wielded by a man who has held over thirteen million people under the spell of his voice! Probably no other man who ever lived had such a total of hearers. And the total is steadily mounting, for he is a man who has never known the meaning of rest. I think it almost certain that Dr. Conwell has never spoken to any one of what, to me, is the finest point of his lecture-work, and that is that he still goes gladly and for small fees to the small towns that are never visited by other men of great reputation. He knows that it is the little places, the out-of-the-way places, the submerged places, that most need a pleasure and a stimulus, and he still goes out, man of well over seventy that he is, to tiny towns in distant states, heedless of the discomforts of traveling, of the poor little hotels that seldom have visitors, of the oftentimes hopeless cooking and the uncleanliness, of the hardships and the discomforts, of the unventilated and overheated or underheated halls. He does not think of claiming the relaxation earned by a lifetime of labor, or, if he ever does, the thought of the sword of John Ring restores instantly his fervid earnestness.
How he does it, how he can possibly keep it up, is the greatest marvel of all. I have before me a list of his engagements for the summer weeks of this year, 1915, and I shall set it down because it will specifically show, far more clearly than general statements, the kind of work he does. The list is the itinerary of his vacation. Vacation! Lecturing every evening but Sunday, and on Sundays preaching in the town where he happens to be!
June 24 Ackley, Ia. July 11 *Brookings, S. D. “ 25 Waterloo, Ia. “ 12 Pipestone, Minn. “ 26 Decorah, Ia. “ 13 Hawarden, Ia. “ 27 *Waukon, Ia. “ 14 Canton, S. D “ 28 Red Wing, Minn. “ 15 Cherokee, Ia “ 29 River Falls, Wis. “ 16 Pocahontas, Ia “ 30 Northfield, Minn. “ 17 Glidden, Ia. July 1 Faribault, Minn. “ 18 *Boone, Ia. “ 2 Spring Valley, Minn. “ 19 Dexter, Ia. “ 3 Blue Earth, Minn. “ 20 Indianola, Ia “ 4 *Fairmount, Minn. “ 21 Corydon, Ia “ 5 Lake Crystal, Minn. “ 22 Essex, Ia. “ 6 Redwood Falls, “ 23 Sidney, Ia. Minn. “ 24 Falls City, Nebr. “ 7 Willmer, Minn. “ 25 *Hiawatha, Kan. “ 8 Dawson, Minn. “ 26 Frankfort, Kan. “ 9 Redfield, S. D. “ 27 Greenleaf, Kan. “ 10 Huron, S. D. “ 28 Osborne, Kan. July 29 Stockton, Kan. Aug. 14 Honesdale, Pa. “ 30 Phillipsburg, Kan. “ 15 *Honesdale, Pa. “ 31 Mankato, Kan. “ 16 Carbondale, Pa. _En route to next date on_ “ 17 Montrose, Pa. _circuit_. “ 18 Tunkhannock, Pa. Aug. 3 Westfield, Pa. “ 19 Nanticoke, Pa. “ 4 Galston, Pa. “ 20 Stroudsburg, Pa. “ 5 Port Alleghany, Pa. “ 21 Newton, N. J. “ 6 Wellsville, N. Y. “ 22 *Newton, N. J. “ 7 Bath, N. Y. “ 23 Hackettstown, N. J. “ 8 *Bath, N. Y. “ 24 New Hope, Pa. “ 9 Penn Yan, N. Y. “ 25 Doylestown, Pa. “ 10 Athens, N. Y. “ 26 Phnixville, Pa. “ 11 Owego, N. Y. “ 27 Kennett, Pa. “ 12 Patchogue, LI.,N.Y. “ 28 Oxford, Pa. “ 13 Port Jervis, N. Y. “ 29 *Oxford, Pa.
* Preach on Sunday.
And all these hardships, all this traveling and lecturing, which would test the endurance of the youngest and strongest, this man of over seventy assumes without receiving a particle of personal gain, for every dollar that he makes by it is given away in helping those who need helping.
That Dr. Conwell is intensely modest is one of the curious features of his character. He sincerely believes that to write his life would be, in the main, just to tell what people have done for him. He knows and admits that he works unweariedly, but in profound sincerity he ascribes the success of his plans to those who have seconded and assisted him. It is in just this way that he looks upon every phase of his life. When he is reminded of the devotion of his old soldiers, he remembers it only with a sort of pleased wonder that they gave the devotion to him, and he quite forgets that they loved him because he was always ready to sacrifice ease or risk his own life for them.
He deprecates praise; if any one likes him, the liking need not be shown in words, but in helping along a good work. That his church has succeeded has been because of the devotion of the people; that the university has succeeded is because of the splendid work of the teachers and pupils; that the hospitals have done so much has been because of the noble services of physicians and nurses. To him, as he himself expresses it, realizing that success has come to his plans, it seems as if the realities are but dreams. He is astonished by his own success. He thinks mainly of his own shortcomings. “God and man have ever been very patient with me.” His depression is at times profound when he compares the actual results with what he would like them to be, for always his hopes have gone soaring far in advance of achievement. It is the “Hitch your chariot to a star” idea. His modesty goes hand-in-hand with kindliness, and I have seen him let himself be introduced in his own church to his congregation, when he is going to deliver a lecture there, just because a former pupil of the university was present who, Conwell knew, was ambitious to say something inside of the Temple walls, and this seemed to be the only opportunity.
I have noticed, when he travels, that the face of the newsboy brightens as he buys a paper from him, that the porter is all happiness, that conductor and brakeman are devotedly anxious to be of aid. Everywhere the man wins love. He loves humanity and humanity responds to the love.
He has always won the affection of those who knew him, and Bayard Taylor was one of the many; he and Bayard Taylor loved each other for long acquaintance and fellow experiences as world-wide travelers, back in the years when comparatively few Americans visited the Nile and the Orient, or even Europe.
When Taylor died there was a memorial service in Boston at which Conwell was asked to preside, and, as he wished for something more than addresses, he went to Longfellow and asked him to write and read a poem for the occasion. Longfellow had not thought of writing anything, and he was too ill to be present at the services, but, there always being something contagiously inspiring about Russell Conwell when he wishes something to be done, the poet promised to do what he could. And he wrote and sent the beautiful lines beginning:
_Dead he lay among his books, The peace of God was in his looks_.
Many men of letters, including Ralph Waldo Emerson, were present at the services, and Dr. Conwell induced Oliver Wendell Holmes to read the lines, and they were listened to amid profound silence, to their fine ending.
Conwell, in spite of his widespread hold on millions of people, has never won fame, recognition, general renown, compared with many men of minor achievements. This seems like an impossibility. Yet it is not an impossibility, but a fact. Great numbers of men of education and culture are entirely ignorant of him and his work in the world–men, these, who deem themselves in touch with world-affairs and with the ones who make and move the world. It is inexplicable, this, except that never was there a man more devoid of the faculty of self-exploitation, self-advertising, than Russell Conwell. Nor, in the mere reading of them, do his words appeal with anything like the force of the same words uttered by himself, for always, with his spoken words, is his personality. Those who have heard Russell Conwell, or have known him personally, recognize the charm of the man and his immense forcefulness; but there are many, and among them those who control publicity through books and newspapers, who, though they ought to be the warmest in their enthusiasm, have never felt drawn to hear him, and, if they know of him at all, think of him as one who pleases in a simple way the commoner folk, forgetting in their pride that every really great man pleases the common ones, and that simplicity and directness are attributes of real greatness.
But Russell Conwell has always won the admiration of the really great, as well as of the humbler millions. It is only a supposedly cultured class in between that is not thoroughly acquainted with what he has done.
Perhaps, too, this is owing to his having cast in his lot with the city, of all cities, which, consciously or unconsciously, looks most closely to family and place of residence as criterions of merit–a city with which it is almost impossible for a stranger to become affiliated–or aphiladelphiated, as it might be expressed–and Philadelphia, in spite of all that Dr. Conwell has done, has been under the thrall of the fact that he went north of Market Street–that fatal fact understood by all who know Philadelphia–and that he made no effort to make friends in Rittenhouse Square. Such considerations seem absurd in this twentieth century, but in Philadelphia they are still potent. Tens of thousands of Philadelphians love him, and he is honored by its greatest men, but there is a class of the pseudo-cultured who do not know him or appreciate him. And it needs also to be understood that, outside of his own beloved Temple, he would prefer to go to a little church or a little hall and to speak to the forgotten people, in the hope of encouraging and inspiring them and filling them with hopeful glow, rather than to speak to the rich and comfortable.
His dearest hope, so one of the few who are close to him told me, is that no one shall come into his life without being benefited. He does not say this publicly, nor does he for a moment believe that such a hope could be fully realized, but it is very dear to his heart; and no man spurred by such a hope, and thus bending all his thoughts toward the poor, the hard-working, the unsuccessful, is in a way to win honor from the Scribes; for we have Scribes now quite as much as when they were classed with Pharisees. It is not the first time in the world’s history that Scribes have failed to give their recognition to one whose work was not among the great and wealthy. That Conwell himself has seldom taken any part whatever in politics except as a good citizen standing for good government; that, as he expresses it, he never held any political office except that he was once on a school committee, and also that he does not identify himself with the so-called “movements” that from time to time catch public attention, but aims only and constantly at the quiet betterment of mankind, may be mentioned as additional reasons why his name and fame have not been steadily blazoned.
He knows and will admit that he works hard and has all his life worked hard. “Things keep turning my way because I’m on the job,” as he whimsically expressed it one day; but that is about all, so it seems to him.
And he sincerely believes that his life has in itself been without interest; that it has been an essentially commonplace life with nothing of the interesting or the eventful to tell. He is frankly surprised that there has ever been the desire to write about him. He really has no idea of how fascinating are the things he has done. His entire life has been of positive interest from the variety of things accomplished and the unexpectedness with which he has accomplished them.
Never, for example, was there such an organizer. In fact, organization and leadership have always been as the breath of life to him. As a youth he organized debating societies and, before the war, a local military company. While on garrison duty in the Civil War he organized what is believed to have been the first free school for colored children in the South. One day Minneapolis happened to be spoken of, and Conwell happened to remember that he organized, when he was a lawyer in that city, what became the first Y.M.C.A. branch there. Once he even started a newspaper. And it was natural that the organizing instinct, as years advanced, should lead him to greater and greater things, such as his church, with the numerous associations formed within itself through his influence, and the university–the organizing of the university being in itself an achievement of positive romance.
“A life without interest!” Why, when I happened to ask, one day, how many Presidents he had known since Lincoln, he replied, quite casually, that he had “written the lives of most of them in their own homes”; and by this he meant either personally or in collaboration with the American biographer Abbott.
The many-sidedness of Conwell is one of the things that is always fascinating. After you have quite got the feeling that he is peculiarly a man of to-day, lecturing on to-day’s possibilities to the people of to-day, you happen upon some such fact as that he attracted the attention of the London _Times_ through a lecture on Italian history at Cambridge in England; or that on the evening of the day on which he was admitted to practice in the Supreme Court of the United States he gave a lecture in Washington on “The Curriculum of the Prophets in Ancient Israel.” The man’s life is a succession of delightful surprises.
An odd trait of his character is his love for fire. He could easily have been a veritable fire-worshiper instead of an orthodox Christian! He has always loved a blaze, and he says reminiscently that for no single thing was he punished so much when he was a child as for building bonfires. And after securing possession, as he did in middle age, of the house where he was born and of a great acreage around about, he had one of the most enjoyable times of his life in tearing down old buildings that needed to be destroyed and in heaping up fallen trees and rubbish and in piling great heaps of wood and setting the great piles ablaze. You see, there is one of the secrets of his strength–he has never lost the capacity for fiery enthusiasm!
Always, too, in these later years he is showing his strength and enthusiasm in a positively noble way. He has for years been a keen sufferer from rheumatism and neuritis, but he has never permitted this to interfere with his work or plans. He makes little of his sufferings, and when he slowly makes his way, bent and twisted, downstairs, he does not want to be noticed. “I’m all right,” he will say if any one offers to help, and at such a time comes his nearest approach to impatience. He wants his suffering ignored. Strength has always been to him so precious a belonging that he will not relinquish it while he lives. “I’m all right!” And he makes himself believe that he is all right even though the pain becomes so severe as to demand massage. And he will still, even when suffering, talk calmly, or write his letters, or attend to whatever matters come before him. It is the Spartan boy hiding the pain of the gnawing fox. And he never has let pain interfere with his presence on the pulpit or the platform. He has once in a while gone to a meeting on crutches and then, by the force of will, and inspired by what he is to do, has stood before his audience or congregation, a man full of strength and fire and life. VII. HOW A UNIVERSITY WAS FOUNDED
THE story of the foundation and rise of Temple University is an extraordinary story; it is not only extraordinary, but inspiring; it is not only inspiring, but full of romance.
For the university came out of nothing!–nothing but the need of a young man and the fact that he told the need to one who, throughout his life, has felt the impulse to help any one in need and has always obeyed the impulse.
I asked Dr. Conwell, up at his home in the Berkshires, to tell me himself just how the university began, and he said that it began because it was needed and succeeded because of the loyal work of the teachers. And when I asked for details he was silent for a while, looking off into the brooding twilight as it lay over the waters and the trees and the hills, and then he said:
“It was all so simple; it all came about so naturally. One evening, after a service, a young man of the congregation came to me and I saw that he was disturbed about something. I had him sit down by me, and I knew that in a few moments he would tell me what was troubling him.
“‘Dr. Conwell,’ he said, abruptly, ‘I earn but little money, and I see no immediate chance of earning more. I have to support not only myself, but my mother. It leaves nothing at all. Yet my longing is to be a minister. It is the one ambition of my life. Is there anything that I can do?’
“‘Any man,’ I said to him, ‘with the proper determination and ambition can study sufficiently at night to win his desire.’
“‘I have tried to think so,’ said he, ‘but I have not been able to see anything clearly. I want to study, and am ready to give every spare minute to it, but I don’t know how to get at it.’
“I thought a few minutes, as I looked at him. He was strong in his desire and in his ambition to fulfil it–strong enough, physically and mentally, for work of the body and of the mind–and he needed something more than generalizations of sympathy.
“‘Come to me one evening a week and I will begin teaching you myself,’ I said, ‘and at least you will in that way make a beginning’; and I named the evening.
“His face brightened and he eagerly said that he would come, and left me; but in a little while he came hurrying back again. ‘May I bring a friend with me?’ he said.
“I told him to bring as many as he wanted to, for more than one would be an advantage, and when the evening came there were six friends with him. And that first evening I began to teach them the foundations of Latin.”
He stopped as if the story was over. He was looking out thoughtfully into the waning light, and I knew that his mind was busy with those days of the beginning of the institution he so loves, and whose continued success means so much to him. In a little while he went on:
“That was the beginning of it, and there is little more to tell. By the third evening the number of pupils had increased to forty; others joined in helping me, and a room was hired; then a little house, then a second house. From a few students and teachers we became a college. After a while our buildings went up on Broad Street alongside the Temple Church, and after another while we became a university. From the first our aim”–(I noticed how quickly it had become “our” instead of “my”)–“our aim was to give education to those who were unable to get it through the usual channels. And so that was really all there was to it.”
That was typical of Russell Conwell–to tell with brevity of what he has done, to point out the beginnings of something, and quite omit to elaborate as to the results. And that, when you come to know him, is precisely what he means you to understand–that it is the beginning of anything that is important, and that if a thing is but earnestly begun and set going in the right way it may just as easily develop big results as little results.
But his story was very far indeed from being “all there was to it,” for he had quite omitted to state the extraordinary fact that, beginning with those seven pupils, coming to his library on an evening in 1884, the Temple University has numbered, up to Commencement-time in 1915, 88,821 students! Nearly one hundred thousand students, and in the lifetime of the founder! Really, the magnitude of such a work cannot be exaggerated, nor the vast importance of it when it is considered that most of these eighty-eight thousand students would not have received their education had it not been for Temple University. And it all came from the instant response of Russell Conwell to the immediate need presented by a young man without money! “And there is something else I want to say,” said Dr. Conwell, unexpectedly. “I want to say, more fully than a mere casual word, how nobly the work was taken up by volunteer helpers; professors from the University of Pennsylvania and teachers from the public schools and other local institutions gave freely of what time they could until the new venture was firmly on its way. I honor those who came so devotedly to help. And it should be remembered that in those early days the need was even greater than it would now appear, for there were then no night schools or manual-training schools. Since then the city of Philadelphia has gone into such work, and as fast as it has taken up certain branches the Temple University has put its energy into the branches just higher. And there seems no lessening of the need of it,” he added, ponderingly.
No; there is certainly no lessening of the need of it! The figures of the annual catalogue would alone show that.
As early as 1887, just three years after the beginning, the Temple College, as it was by that time called, issued its first catalogue, which set forth with stirring words that the intent of its founding was to:
“Provide such instruction as shall be best adapted to the higher education of those who are compelled to labor at their trade while engaged in study.
“Cultivate a taste for the higher and most useful branches of learning.
“Awaken in the character of young laboring men and women a determined ambition to be useful to their fellow-men.”
The college–the university as it in time came to be–early broadened its scope, but it has from the first continued to aim at the needs of those unable to secure education without such help as, through its methods, it affords.
It was chartered in 1888, at which time its numbers had reached almost six hundred, and it has ever since had a constant flood of applicants. “It has demonstrated,” as Dr. Conwell puts it, “that those who work for a living have time for study.” And he, though he does not himself add this, has given the opportunity.
He feels especial pride in the features by which lectures and recitations are held at practically any hour which best suits the convenience of the students. If any ten students join in a request for any hour from nine in the morning to ten at night a class is arranged for them, to meet that request! This involves the necessity for a much larger number of professors and teachers than would otherwise be necessary, but that is deemed a slight consideration in comparison with the immense good done by meeting the needs of workers.
Also President Conwell–for of course he is the president of the university–is proud of the fact that the privilege of graduation depends entirely upon knowledge gained; that graduation does not depend upon having listened to any set number of lectures or upon having attended for so many terms or years. If a student can do four years’ work in two years or in three he is encouraged to do it, and if he cannot even do it in four he can have no diploma.
Obviously, there is no place at Temple University for students who care only for a few years of leisured ease. It is a place for workers, and not at all for those who merely wish to be able to boast that they attended a university. The students have come largely from among railroad clerks, bank clerks, bookkeepers, teachers, preachers, mechanics, salesmen, drug clerks, city and United States government employees, widows, nurses, housekeepers, brakemen, firemen, engineers, motormen, conductors, and shop hands.
It was when the college became strong enough, and sufficiently advanced in scholarship and standing, and broad enough in scope, to win the name of university that this title was officially granted to it by the State of Pennsylvania, in 1907, and now its educational plan includes three distinct school systems.
First: it offers a high-school education to the student who has to quit school after leaving the grammar-school.
Second: it offers a full college education, with the branches taught in long-established high-grade colleges, to the student who has to quit on leaving the high-school.
Third: it offers further scientific or professional education to the college graduate who must go to work immediately on quitting college, but who wishes to take up some such course as law or medicine or engineering.
Out of last year’s enrolment of 3,654 it is interesting to notice that the law claimed 141; theology, 182; medicine and pharmacy and dentistry combined, 357; civil engineering, 37; also that the teachers’ college, with normal courses on such subjects as household arts and science, kindergarten work, and physical education, took 174; and still more interesting, in a way, to see that 269 students were enrolled for the technical and vocational courses, such as cooking and dress-making, millinery, manual crafts, school-gardening, and story-telling. There were 511 in high-school work, and 243 in elementary education. There were 79 studying music, and 68 studying to be trained nurses. There were 606 in the college of liberal arts and sciences, and in the department of commercial education there were 987–for it is a university that offers both scholarship and practicality. Temple University is not in the least a charitable institution. Its fees are low, and its hours are for the convenience of the students themselves, but it is a place of absolute independence. It is, indeed, a place of far greater independence, so one of the professors pointed out, than are the great universities which receive millions and millions of money in private gifts and endowments.
Temple University in its early years was sorely in need of money, and often there were thrills of expectancy when some man of mighty wealth seemed on the point of giving. But not a single one ever did, and now the Temple likes to feel that it is glad of it. The Temple, to quote its own words, is “An institution for strong men and women who can labor with both mind and body.”
And the management is proud to be able to say that, although great numbers have come from distant places, “not one of the many thousands ever failed to find an opportunity to support himself.”
Even in the early days, when money was needed for the necessary buildings (the buildings of which Conwell dreamed when he left second-story doors in his church!), the university–college it was then called–had won devotion from those who knew that it was a place where neither time nor money was wasted, and where idleness was a crime, and in the donations for the work were many such items as four hundred dollars from factory-workers who gave fifty cents each, and two thousand dollars from policemen who gave a dollar each. Within two or three years past the State of Pennsylvania has begun giving it a large sum annually, and this state aid is public recognition of Temple University as an institution of high public value. The state money is invested in the brains and hearts of the ambitious.
So eager is Dr. Conwell to place the opportunity of education before every one, that even his servants must go to school! He is not one of those who can see needs that are far away but not those that are right at home. His belief in education, and in the highest attainable education, is profound, and it is not only on account of the abstract pleasure and value of education, but its power of increasing actual earning power and thus making a worker of more value to both himself and the community.
Many a man and many a woman, while continuing to work for some firm or factory, has taken Temple technical courses and thus fitted himself or herself for an advanced position with the same employer. The Temple knows of many such, who have thus won prominent advancement. And it knows of teachers who, while continuing to teach, have fitted themselves through the Temple courses for professorships. And it knows of many a case of the rise of a Temple student that reads like an Arabian Nights’ fancy!–of advance from bookkeeper to editor, from office-boy to bank president, from kitchen maid to school principal, from street-cleaner to mayor! The Temple University helps them that help themselves.
President Conwell told me personally of one case that especially interested him because it seemed to exhibit, in especial degree, the Temple possibilities; and it particularly interested me because it also showed, in high degree, the methods and personality of Dr. Conwell himself.
One day a young woman came to him and said she earned only three dollars a week and that she desired very much to make more. “Can you tell me how to do it?” she said.
He liked her ambition and her directness, but there was something that he felt doubtful about, and that was that her hat looked too expensive for three dollars a week!
Now Dr. Conwell is a man whom you would never suspect of giving a thought to the hat of man or woman! But as a matter of fact there is very little that he does not see.
But though the hat seemed too expensive for three dollars a week, Dr. Conwell is not a man who makes snap-judgments harshly, and in particular he would be the last man to turn away hastily one who had sought him out for help. He never felt, nor could possibly urge upon any one, contentment with a humble lot; he stands for advancement; he has no sympathy with that dictum of the smug, that has come to us from a nation tight bound for centuries by its gentry and aristocracy, about being contented with the position in which God has placed you, for he points out that the Bible itself holds up advancement and success as things desirable.
And, as to the young woman before him, it developed, through discreet inquiry veiled by frank discussion of her case, that she had made the expensive-looking hat herself! Whereupon not only did all doubtfulness and hesitation vanish, but he saw at once how she could better herself. He knew that a woman who could make a hat like that for herself could make hats for other people, and so, “Go into millinery as a business,” he advised.
“Oh–if I only could!” she exclaimed. “But I know that I don’t know enough.”
“Take the millinery course in Temple University,” he responded. She had not even heard of such a course, and when he went on to explain how she could take it and at the same time continue at her present work until the course was concluded, she was positively ecstatic–it was all so unexpected, this opening of the view of a new and broader life.
“She was an unusual woman,” concluded Dr. Conwell, “and she worked with enthusiasm and tirelessness. She graduated, went to an up-state city that seemed to offer a good field, opened a millinery establishment there, with her own name above the door, and became prosperous. That was only a few years ago. And recently I had a letter from her, telling me that last year she netted a clear profit of three thousand six hundred dollars!”
I remember a man, himself of distinguished position, saying of Dr. Conwell, “It is difficult to speak in tempered language of what he has achieved.” And that just expresses it; the temptation is constantly to use superlatives–for superlatives fit! Of course he has succeeded for himself, and succeeded marvelously, in his rise from the rocky hill farm, but he has done so vastly more than that in inspiring such hosts of others to succeed!
A dreamer of dreams and a seer of visions–and what realizations have come! And it interested me profoundly not long ago, when Dr. Conwell, talking of the university, unexpectedly remarked that he would like to see such institutions scattered throughout every state in the Union. “All carried on at slight expense to the students and at hours to suit all sorts of working men and women,” he added, after a pause; and then, abruptly, “I should like to see the possibility of higher education offered to every one in the United States who works for a living.”
There was something superb in the very imagining of such a nation-wide system. But I did not ask whether or not he had planned any details for such an effort. I knew that thus far it might only be one of his dreams–but I also knew that his dreams had a way of becoming realities. I had a fleeting glimpse of his soaring vision. It was amazing to find a man of more than three-score and ten thus dreaming of more worlds to conquer. And I thought, what could the world have accomplished if Methuselah had been a Conwell!–or, far better, what wonders could be accomplished if Conwell could but be a Methuselah!
He has all his life been a great traveler. He is a man who sees vividly and who can describe vividly. Yet often his letters, even from places of the most profound interest, are mostly concerned with affairs back home. It is not that he does not feel, and feel intensely, the interest of what he is visiting, but that his tremendous earnestness keeps him always concerned about his work at home. There could be no stronger example than what I noticed in a letter he wrote from Jerusalem. “I am in Jerusalem! And here at Gethsemane and at the Tomb of Christ”–reading thus far, one expects that any man, and especially a minister, is sure to say something regarding the associations of the place and the effect of these associations on his mind; but Conwell is always the man who is different–“And here at Gethsemane and at the Tomb of Christ, I pray especially for the Temple University.” That is Conwellism!
That he founded a hospital–a work in itself great enough for even a great life is but one among the striking incidents of his career. And it came about through perfect naturalness. For he came to know, through his pastoral work and through his growing acquaintance with the needs of the city, that there was a vast amount of suffering and wretchedness and anguish, because of the inability of the existing hospitals to care for all who needed care. There was so much sickness and suffering to be alleviated, there were so many deaths that could be prevented–and so he decided to start another hospital.
And, like everything with him, the beginning was small. That cannot too strongly be set down as the way of this phenomenally successful organizer. Most men would have to wait until a big beginning could be made, and so would most likely never make a beginning at all. But Conwell’s way is to dream of future bigness, but be ready to begin at once, no matter how small or insignificant the beginning may appear to others.
Two rented rooms, one nurse, one patient–this was the humble beginning, in 1891, of what has developed into the great Samaritan Hospital. In a year there was an entire house, fitted up with wards and operating-room. Now it occupies several buildings, including and adjoining that first one, and a great new structure is planned. But even as it is, it has a hundred and seventy beds, is fitted with all modern hospital appliances, and has a large staff of physicians; and the number of surgical operations performed there is very large.
It is open to sufferers of any race or creed, and the poor are never refused admission, the rule being that treatment is free for those who cannot pay, but that such as can afford it shall pay according to their means.
And the hospital has a kindly feature that endears it to patients and their relatives alike, and that is that, by Dr. Conwell’s personal order, there are not only the usual week-day hours for visiting, but also one evening a week and every Sunday afternoon. “For otherwise,” as he says, “many would be unable to come because they could not get away from their work.”
A little over eight years ago another hospital was taken in charge, the Garretson–not founded by Conwell, this one, but acquired, and promptly expanded in its usefulness.
Both the Samaritan and the Garretson are part of Temple University. The Samaritan Hospital has treated, since its foundation, up to the middle of 1915, 29,301 patients; the Garretson, in its shorter life, 5,923. Including dispensary cases as well as house patients, the two hospitals together, under the headship of President Conwell, have handled over 400,000 cases.
How Conwell can possibly meet the multifarious demands upon his time is in itself a miracle. He is the head of the great church; he is the head of the university; he is the head of the hospitals; he is the head of everything with which he is associated! And he is not only nominally, but very actively, the head! VIII. HIS SPLENDID EFFICIENCY
CONWELL has a few strong and efficient executive helpers who have long been associated with him; men and women who know his ideas and ideals, who are devoted to him, and who do their utmost to relieve him; and of course there is very much that is thus done for him; but even as it is, he is so overshadowing a man (there is really no other word) that all who work with him look to him for advice and guidance the professors and the students, the doctors and the nurses, the church officers, the Sunday-school teachers, the members of his congregation. And he is never too busy to see any one who really wishes to see him.
He can attend to a vast intricacy of detail, and answer myriad personal questions and doubts, and keep the great institutions splendidly going, by thorough systematization of time, and by watching every minute. He has several secretaries, for special work, besides his private secretary. His correspondence is very great. Often he dictates to a secretary as he travels on the train. Even in the few days for which he can run back to the Berkshires, work is awaiting him. Work follows him. And after knowing of this, one is positively amazed that he is able to give to his country-wide lectures the time and the traveling that they inexorably demand. Only a man of immense strength, of the greatest stamina, a veritable superman, could possibly do it. And at times one quite forgets, noticing the multiplicity of his occupations, that he prepares two sermons and two talks on Sunday!
Here is his usual Sunday schedule, when at home. He rises at seven and studies until breakfast, which is at eight-thirty. Then he studies until nine-forty-five, when he leads a men’s meeting at which he is likely also to play the organ and lead the singing. At ten-thirty is the principal church service, at which he preaches, and at the close of which he shakes hands with hundreds. He dines at one, after which he takes fifteen minutes’ rest and then reads; and at three o’clock he addresses, in a talk that is like another sermon, a large class of men–not the same men as in the morning. He is also sure to look in at the regular session of the Sunday-school. Home again, where he studies and reads until supper-time. At seven-thirty is the evening service, at which he again preaches and after which he shakes hands with several hundred more and talks personally, in his study, with any who have need of talk with him. He is usually home by ten-thirty. I spoke of it, one evening, as having been a strenuous day, and he responded, with a cheerfully whimsical smile: “Three sermons and shook hands with nine hundred.”
That evening, as the service closed, he had said to the congregation: “I shall be here for an hour. We always have a pleasant time together after service. If you are acquainted with me, come up and shake hands. If you are strangers”–just the slightest of pauses–“come up and let us make an acquaintance that will last for eternity.” I remember how simply and easily this was said, in his clear, deep voice, and how impressive and important it seemed, and with what unexpectedness it came. “Come and make an acquaintance that will last for eternity!” And there was a serenity about his way of saying this which would make strangers think–just as he meant them to think–that he had nothing whatever to do but to talk with them. Even his own congregation have, most of them, little conception of how busy a man he is and how precious is his time.
One evening last June to take an evening of which I happened to know–he got home from a journey of two hundred miles at six o’clock, and after dinner and a slight rest went to the church prayer-meeting, which he led in his usual vigorous way at such meetings, playing the organ and leading the singing, as well as praying and talk-ing. After the prayer-meeting he went to two dinners in succession, both of them important dinners in connection with the close of the university year, and at both dinners he spoke. At the second dinner he was notified of the sudden illness of a member of his congregation, and instantly hurried to the man’s home and thence to the hospital to which he had been removed, and there he remained at the man’s bedside, or in consultation with the physicians, until one in the morning. Next morning he was up at seven and again at work.
“This one thing I do,” is his private maxim of efficiency, and a literalist might point out that he does not one thing only, but a thousand things, not getting Conwell’s meaning, which is that whatever the thing may be which he is doing he lets himself think of nothing else until it is done. Dr. Conwell has a profound love for the country and particularly for the country of his own youth. He loves the wind that comes sweeping over the hills, he loves the wide-stretching views from the heights and the forest intimacies of the nestled nooks. He loves the rippling streams, he loves the wild flowers that nestle in seclusion or that unexpectedly paint some mountain meadow with delight. He loves the very touch of the earth, and he loves the great bare rocks.
He writes verses at times; at least he has written lines for a few old tunes; and it interested me greatly to chance upon some lines of his that picture heaven in terms of the Berkshires:
_The wide-stretching valleys in colors so fadeless, Where trees are all deathless and flowers e’er bloom_.
That is heaven in the eyes of a New England hill-man! Not golden pavement and ivory palaces, but valleys and trees and flowers and the wide sweep of the open.
Few things please him more than to go, for example, blackberrying, and he has a knack of never scratching his face or his fingers when doing so. And he finds blackberrying, whether he goes alone or with friends, an extraordinarily good time for planning something he wishes to do or working out the thought of a sermon. And fishing is even better, for in fishing he finds immense recreation and restfulness and at the same time a further opportunity to think and plan.
As a small boy he wished that he could throw a dam across the trout-brook that runs near the little Conwell home, and–as he never gives up–he finally realized the ambition, although it was after half a century! And now he has a big pond, three-quarters of a mile long by half a mile wide, lying in front of the house, down a slope from it–a pond stocked with splendid pickerel. He likes to float about restfully on this pond, thinking or fishing, or both. And on that pond he showed me how to catch pickerel even under a blaze of sunlight!
He is a trout-fisher, too, for it is a trout stream that feeds this pond and goes dashing away from it through the wilderness; and for miles adjoining his place a fishing club of wealthy men bought up the rights in this trout stream, and they approached him with a liberal offer. But he declined it. “I remembered what good times I had when I was a boy, fishing up and down that stream, and I couldn’t think of keeping the boys of the present day from such a pleasure. So they may still come and fish for trout here.”
As we walked one day beside this brook, he suddenly said: “Did you ever notice that every brook has its own song? I should know the song of this brook anywhere.”
It would seem as if he loved his rugged native country because it is rugged even more than because it is native! Himself so rugged, so hardy, so enduring–the strength of the hills is his also.
Always, in his very appearance, you see something of this ruggedness of the hills; a ruggedness, a sincerity, a plainness, that mark alike his character and his looks. And always one realizes the strength of the man, even when his voice, as it usually is, is low. And one increasingly realizes the strength when, on the lecture platform or in the pulpit or in conversation, he flashes vividly into fire.
A big-boned man he is, sturdy-framed, a tall man, with broad shoulders and strong hands. His hair is a deep chestnut-brown that at first sight seems black. In his early manhood he was superb in looks, as his pictures show, but anxiety and work and the constant flight of years, with physical pain, have settled his face into lines of sadness and almost of severity, which instantly vanish when he speaks. And his face is illumined by marvelous eyes.
He is a lonely man. The wife of his early years died long, long ago, before success had come, and she was deeply mourned, for she had loyally helped him through a time that held much of struggle and hardship. He married again; and this wife was his loyal helpmate for many years. In a time of special stress, when a defalcation of sixty-five thousand dollars threatened to crush Temple College just when it was getting on its feet, for both Temple Church and Temple College had in those early days buoyantly assumed heavy indebtedness, he raised every dollar he could by selling or mortgaging his own possessions, and in this his wife, as he lovingly remembers, most cordially stood beside him, although she knew that if anything should happen to him the financial sacrifice would leave her penniless. She died after years of companionship; his children married and made homes of their own; he is a lonely man. Yet he is not unhappy, for the tremendous demands of his tremendous work leave him little time for sadness or retrospect. At times the realization comes that he is getting old, that friends and comrades have been passing away, leaving him an old man with younger friends and helpers. But such realization only makes him work with an earnestness still more intense, knowing that the night cometh when no man shall work.
Deeply religious though he is, he does not force religion into conversation on ordinary subjects or upon people who may not be interested in it. With him, it is action and good works, with faith and belief, that count, except when talk is the natural, the fitting, the necessary thing; when addressing either one individual or thousands, he talks with superb effectiveness. His sermons are, it may almost literally be said, parable after parable; although he himself would be the last man to say this, for it would sound as if he claimed to model after the greatest of all examples. His own way of putting it is that he uses stories frequently because people are more impressed by illustrations than by argument.
Always, whether in the pulpit or out of it, he is simple and homelike, human and unaffected. If he happens to see some one in the congregation to whom he wishes to speak, he may just leave his pulpit and walk down the aisle, while the choir is singing, and quietly say a few words and return.
In the early days of his ministry, if he heard of a poor family in immediate need of food he would be quite likely to gather a basket of provisions and go personally, and offer this assistance and such other as he might find necessary when he reached the place. As he became known he ceased from this direct and open method of charity, for he knew that impulsiveness would be taken for intentional display. But he has never ceased to be ready to help on the instant that he knows help is needed. Delay and lengthy investigation are avoided by him when he can be certain that something immediate is required. And the extent of his quiet charity is amazing. With no family for which to save money, and with no care to put away money for himself, he thinks only of money as an instrument for helpfulness. I never heard a friend criticize him except for too great open-handedness.
I was strongly impressed, after coming to know him, that he possessed many of the qualities that made for the success of the old-time district leaders of New York City, and I mentioned this to him, and he at once responded that he had himself met “Big Tim,” the long-time leader of the Sullivans, and had had him at his house, Big Tim having gone to Philadelphia to aid some henchman in trouble, and having promptly sought the aid of Dr. Conwell. And it was characteristic of Conwell that he saw, what so many never saw, the most striking characteristic of that Tammany leader. For, “Big Tim Sullivan was so kind-hearted!” Conwell appreciated the man’s political unscrupulousness as well as did his enemies, but he saw also what made his underlying power–his kind-heartedness. Except that Sullivan could be supremely unscrupulous, and that Conwell is supremely scrupulous, there were marked similarities in these masters over men; and Conwell possesses, as Sullivan possessed, a wonderful memory for faces and names.
Naturally, Russell Conwell stands steadily and strongly for good citizenship. But he never talks boastful Americanism. He seldom speaks in so many words of either Americanism or good citizenship, but he constantly and silently keeps the American flag, as the symbol of good citizenship, before his people. An American flag is prominent in his church; an American flag is seen in his home; a beautiful American flag is up at his Berkshire place and surmounts a lofty tower where, when he was a boy, there stood a mighty tree at the top of which was an eagle’s nest, which has given him a name for his home, for he terms it “The Eagle’s Nest.”
Remembering a long story that I had read of his climbing to the top of that tree, though it was a well-nigh impossible feat, and securing the nest by great perseverance and daring, I asked him if the story were a true one. “Oh, I’ve heard something about it; somebody said that somebody watched me, or something of the kind. But I don’t remember anything about it myself.”
Any friend of his is sure to say something, after a while, about his determination, his insistence on going ahead with anything on which he has really set his heart. One of the very important things on which he insisted, in spite of very great opposition, and especially an opposition from the other churches of his denomination (for this was a good many years ago, when there was much more narrowness in churches and sects than there is at present), was with regard to doing away with close communion. He determined on an open communion; and his way of putting it, once decided upon, was: “My friends, it is not for me to invite you to the table of the Lord. The table of the Lord is open. If you feel that you can come to the table, it is open to you.” And this is the form which he still uses.
He not only never gives up, but, so his friends say, he never forgets a thing upon which he has once decided, and at times, long after they supposed the matter has been entirely forgotten, they suddenly find Dr. Conwell bringing his original purpose to pass. When I was told of this I remembered that pickerel-pond in the Berkshires!
If he is really set upon doing anything, little or big, adverse criticism does not disturb his serenity. Some years ago he began wearing a huge diamond, whose size attracted much criticism and caustic comment. He never said a word in defense; he just kept on wearing the diamond. One day, however, after some years, he took it off, and people said, “He has listened to the criticism at last!” He smiled reminiscently as he told me about this, and said: “A dear old deacon of my congregation gave me that diamond and I did not like to hurt his feelings by refusing it. It really bothered me to wear such a glaring big thing, but because I didn’t want to hurt the old deacon’s feelings I kept on wearing it until he was dead. Then I stopped wearing it.”
The ambition of Russell Conwell is to continue working and working until the very last moment of his life. In work he forgets his sadness, his loneliness, his age. And he said to me one day, “I will die in harness.” IX. THE STORY OF ACRES OF DIAMONDS
CONSIDERING everything, the most remarkable thing in Russell Conwell’s remarkable life is his lecture, “Acres of Diamonds.” That is, the lecture itself, the number of times he has delivered it, what a source of inspiration it has been to myriads, the money that he has made and is making, and, still more, the purpose to which he directs the money. In the circumstances surrounding “Acres of Diamonds,” in its tremendous success, in the attitude of mind revealed by the lecture itself and by what Dr. Conwell does with it, it is illuminative of his character, his aims, his ability.
The lecture is vibrant with his energy. It flashes with his hopefulness. It is full of his enthusiasm. It is packed full of his intensity. It stands for the possibilities of success in every one. He has delivered it over five thousand times. The demand for it never diminishes. The success grows never less.
There is a time in Russell Conwell’s youth of which it is pain for him to think. He told me of it one evening, and his voice sank lower and lower as he went far back into the past. It was of his days at Yale that he spoke, for they were days of suffering. For he had not money for Yale, and in working for more he endured bitter humiliation. It was not that the work was hard, for Russell Conwell has always been ready for hard work. It was not that there were privations and difficulties, for he has always found difficulties only things to overcome, and endured privations with cheerful fortitude. But it was the humiliations that he met–the personal humiliations that after more than half a century make him suffer in remembering them–yet out of those humiliations came a marvelous result.
“I determined,” he says, “that whatever I could do to make the way easier at college for other young men working their way I would do.”
And so, many years ago, he began to devote every dollar that he made from “Acres of Diamonds” to this definite purpose. He has what may be termed a waiting-list. On that list are very few cases he has looked into personally. Infinitely busy man that he is, he cannot do extensive personal investigation. A large proportion of his names come to him from college presidents who know of students in their own colleges in need of such a helping hand.
“Every night,” he said, when I asked him to tell me about it, “when my lecture is over and the check is in my hand, I sit down in my room in the hotel”–what a lonely picture, tool–“I sit down in my room in the hotel and subtract from the total sum received my actual expenses for that place, and make out a check for the difference and send it to some young man on my list. And I always send with the check a letter of advice and helpfulness, expressing my hope that it will be of some service to him and telling him that he is to feel under no obligation except to his Lord. I feel strongly, and I try to make every young man feel, that there must be no sense of obligation to me personally. And I tell them that I am hoping to leave behind me men who will do more work than I have done. Don’t think that I put in too much advice,” he added, with a smile, “for I only try to let them know that a friend is trying to help them.”
His face lighted as he spoke. “There is such a fascination in it!” he exclaimed. “It is just like a gamble! And as soon as I have sent the letter and crossed a name off my list, I am aiming for the next one!”
And after a pause he added: “I do not attempt to send any young man enough for all his expenses. But I want to save him from bitterness, and each check will help. And, too,” he concluded, naïvely, in the vernacular, “I don’t want them to lay down on me!”
He told me that he made it clear that he did not wish to get returns or reports from this branch of his life-work, for it would take a great deal of time in watching and thinking and in the reading and writing of letters. “But it is mainly,” he went on, “that I do not wish to hold over their heads the sense of obligation.”
When I suggested that this was surely an example of bread cast upon the waters that could not return, he was silent for a little and then said, thoughtfully: “As one gets on in years there is satisfaction in doing a thing for the sake of doing it. The bread returns in the sense of effort made.”
On a recent trip through Minnesota he was positively upset, so his secretary told me, through being recognized on a train by a young man who had been helped through “Acres of Diamonds,” and who, finding that this was really Dr. Conwell, eagerly brought his wife to join him in most fervent thanks for his assistance. Both the husband and his wife were so emotionally overcome that it quite overcame Dr. Conwell himself. The lecture, to quote the noble words of Dr. Conwell himself, is designed to help “every person, of either sex, who cherishes the high resolve of sustaining a career of usefulness and honor.” It is a lecture of helpfulness. And it is a lecture, when given with Conwell’s voice and face and manner, that is full of fascination. And yet it is all so simple!
It is packed full of inspiration, of suggestion, of aid. He alters it to meet the local circumstances of the thousands of different places in which he delivers it. But the base remains the same. And even those to whom it is an old story will go to hear him time after time. It amuses him to say that he knows individuals who have listened to it twenty times.
It begins with a story told to Conwell by an old Arab as the two journeyed together toward Nineveh, and, as you listen, you hear the actual voices and you see the sands of the desert and the waving palms. The lecturer’s voice is so easy, so effortless, it seems so ordinary and matter-of-fact–yet the entire scene is instantly vital and alive! Instantly the man has his audience under a sort of spell, eager to listen, ready to be merry or grave. He has the faculty of control, the vital quality that makes the orator.
The same people will go to hear this lecture over and over, and that is the kind of tribute that Conwell likes. I recently heard him deliver it in his own church, where it would naturally be thought to be an old story, and where, presumably, only a few of the faithful would go; but it was quite clear that all of his church are the faithful, for it was a large audience that came to listen to him; hardly a seat in the great auditorium was vacant. And it should be added that, although it was in his own church, it was not a free lecture, where a throng might be expected, but that each one paid a liberal sum for a seat–and the paying of admission is always a practical test of the sincerity of desire to hear. And the people were swept along by the current as if lecturer and lecture were of novel interest. The lecture in itself is good to read, but it is only when it is illumined by Conwell’s vivid personality that one understands how it influences in the actual delivery.
On that particular evening he had decided to give the lecture in the same form as when he first delivered it many years ago, without any of the alterations that have come with time and changing localities, and as he went on, with the audience rippling and bubbling with laughter as usual, he never doubted that he was giving it as he had given it years before; and yet–so up-to-date and alive must he necessarily be, in spite of a definitive effort to set himself back–every once in a while he was coming out with illustrations from such distinctly recent things as the automobile!
The last time I heard him was the 5,124th time for the lecture. Doesn’t it seem incredible! 5,124 times’ I noticed that he was to deliver it at a little out-of-the-way place, difficult for any considerable number to get to, and I wondered just how much of an audience would gather and how they would be impressed. So I went over from there I was, a few miles away. The road was dark and I pictured a small audience, but when I got there I found the church building in which he was to deliver the lecture had a seating capacity of 830 and that precisely 830 people were already seated there and that a fringe of others were standing behind. Many had come from miles away. Yet the lecture had scarcely, if at all, been advertised. But people had said to one another: “Aren’t you going to hear Dr. Conwell?” And the word had thus been passed along.
I remember how fascinating it was to watch that audience, for they responded so keenly and with such heartfelt pleasure throughout the entire lecture. And not only were they immensely pleased and amused and interested–and to achieve that at a crossroads church was in itself a triumph to be proud of–but I knew that every listener was given an impulse toward doing something for himself and for others, and that with at least some of them the impulse would materialize in acts. Over and over one realizes what a power such a man wields.
And what an unselfishness! For, far on in years as he is, and suffering pain, he does not chop down his lecture to a definite length; he does not talk for just an hour or go on grudgingly for an hour and a half. He sees that the people are fascinated and inspired, and he forgets pain, ignores time, forgets that the night is late and that he has a long journey to go to get home, and keeps on generously for two hours! And every one wishes it were four. Always he talks with ease and sympathy. There are geniality, composure, humor, simple and homely jests–yet never does the audience forget that he is every moment in tremendous earnest. They bubble with responsive laughter or are silent in riveted attention. A stir can be seen to sweep over an audience, of earnestness or surprise or amusement or resolve. When he is grave and sober or fervid the people feel that he is himself a fervidly earnest man, and when he is telling something humorous there is on his part almost a repressed chuckle, a genial appreciation of the fun of it, not in the least as if he were laughing at his own humor, but as if he and his hearers were laughing together at something of which they were all humorously cognizant.
Myriad successes in life have come through the direct inspiration of this single lecture. One hears of so many that there must be vastly more that are never told. A few of the most recent were told me by Dr. Conwell himself, one being of a farmer boy who walked a long distance to hear him. On his way home, so the boy, now a man, has written him, he thought over and over of what he could do to advance himself, and before he reached home he learned that a teacher was wanted at a certain country school. He knew he did not know enough to teach, but was sure he could learn, so he bravely asked for the place. And something in his earnestness made him win a temporary appointment. Thereupon he worked and studied so hard and so devotedly, while he daily taught, that within a few months he was regularly employed there. “And now,” says Conwell, abruptly, with his characteristic skim-ming over of the intermediate details between the important beginning of a thing and the satisfactory end, “and now that young man is one of our college presidents.”
And very recently a lady came to Dr. Conwell, the wife of an exceptionally prominent man who was earning a large salary, and she told him that her husband was so unselfishly generous with money that often they were almost in straits. And she said they had bought a little farm as a country place, paying only a few hundred dollars for it, and that she had said to herself, laughingly, after hearing the lecture, “There are no acres of diamonds on this place!” But she also went on to tell that she had found a spring of exceptionally fine water there, although in buying they had scarcely known of the spring at all; and she had been so inspired by Conwell that she had had the water analyzed and, finding that it was remarkably pure, had begun to have it bottled and sold under a trade name as special spring water. And she is making money. And she also sells pure ice from the pool, cut in winter-time and all because of “Acres of Diamonds”!
Several millions of dollars, in all, have been received by Russell Conwell as the proceeds from this single lecture. Such a fact is almost staggering–and it is more staggering to realize what good is done in the world by this man, who does not earn for himself, but uses his money in immediate helpfulness. And one can neither think nor write with moderation when it is further realized that far more good than can be done directly with money he does by uplifting and inspiring with this lecture. Always his heart is with the weary and the heavy-laden. Always he stands for self-betterment.
Last year, 1914, he and his work were given unique recognition. For it was known by his friends that this particular lecture was approaching its five-thousandth delivery, and they planned a celebration of such an event in the history of the most popular lecture in the world. Dr. Conwell agreed to deliver it in the Academy of Music, in Philadelphia, and the building was packed and the streets outside were thronged. The proceeds from all sources for that five-thousandth lecture were over nine thousand dollars.
The hold which Russell Conwell has gained on the affections and respect of his home city was seen not only in the thousands who strove to hear him, but in the prominent men who served on the local committee in charge of the celebration. There was a national committee, too, and the nation-wide love that he has won, the nation-wide appreciation of what he has done and is still doing, was shown by the fact that among the names of the notables on this committee were those of nine governors of states. The Governor of Pennsylvania was himself present to do Russell Conwell honor, and he gave to him a key emblematic of the Freedom of the State.
The “Freedom of the State”–yes; this man, well over seventy, has won it. The Freedom of the State, the Freedom of the Nation–for this man of helpfulness, this marvelous exponent of the gospel of success, has worked marvelously for the freedom, the betterment, the liberation, the advancement, of the individual. FIFTY YEARS ON THE LECTURE PLATFORM
By Russell H. Conwell
AN Autobiography! What an absurd request! If all the conditions were favorable, the story of my public Life could not be made interesting. It does not seem possible that any will care to read so plain and uneventful a tale. I see nothing in it for boasting, nor much that could be helpful. Then I never saved a scrap of paper intentionally concerning my work to which I could refer, not a book, not a sermon, not a lecture, not a newspaper notice or account, not a magazine article, not one of the kind biographies written from time to time by noble friends have I ever kept even as a souvenir, although some of them may be in my library. I have ever felt that the writers concerning my life were too generous and that my own work was too hastily done. Hence I have nothing upon which to base an autobiographical account, except the recollections which come to an overburdened mind.
My general view of half a century on the lecture platform brings to me precious and beautiful memories, and fills my soul with devout gratitude for the blessings and kindnesses which have been given to me so far beyond my deserts. So much more success has come to my hands than I ever expected; so much more of good have I found than even youth’s wildest dream included; so much more effective have been my weakest endeavors than I ever planned or hoped–that a biography written truthfully would be mostly an account of what men and women have done for me.
I have lived to see accomplished far more than my highest ambition included, and have seen the enterprises I have undertaken rush by me, pushed on by a thousand strong hands until they have left me far behind them. The realities are like dreams to me. Blessings on the loving hearts and noble minds who have been so willing to sacrifice for others’ good and to think only of what they could do, and never of what they should get! Many of them have ascended into the Shining Land, and here I am in mine age gazing up alone,
_Only waiting till the shadows Are a little longer grown_.
Fifty years! I was a young man, not yet of age, when I delivered my first platform lecture. The Civil War of 1861-65 drew on with all its passions, patriotism, horrors, and fears, and I was studying law at Yale University. I had from childhood felt that I was “called to the ministry.” The earliest event of memory is the prayer of my father at family prayers in the little old cottage in the Hampshire highlands of the Berkshire Hills, calling on God with a sobbing voice to lead me into some special service for the Saviour. It filled me with awe, dread, and fear, and I recoiled from the thought, until I determined to fight against it with all my power. So I sought for other professions and for decent excuses for being anything but a preacher.
Yet while I was nervous and timid before the class in declamation and dreaded to face any kind of an audience, I felt in my soul a strange impulsion toward public speaking which for years made me miserable. The war and the public meetings for recruiting soldiers furnished an outlet for my suppressed sense of duty, and my first lecture was on the “Lessons of History” as applied to the campaigns against the Confederacy.
That matchless temperance orator and loving friend, John B. Gough, introduced me to the little audience in Westfield, Massachusetts, in 1862. What a foolish little school-boy speech it must have been! But Mr. Gough’s kind words of praise, the bouquets and the applause, made me feel that somehow the way to public oratory would not be so hard as I had feared.
From that time I acted on Mr. Gough’s advice and “sought practice” by accepting almost every invitation I received to speak on any kind of a subject. There were many sad failures and tears, but it was a restful compromise with my conscience concerning the ministry, and it pleased my friends. I addressed picnics, Sunday-schools, patriotic meetings, funerals, anniversaries, commencements, debates, cattle-shows, and sewing-circles without partiality and without price. For the first five years the income was all experience. Then voluntary gifts began to come occasionally in the shape of a jack-knife, a ham, a book, and the first cash remuneration was from a farmers’ club, of seventy-five cents toward the “horse hire.” It was a curious fact that one member of that club afterward moved to Salt Lake City and was a member of the committee at the Mormon Tabernacle in 1872 which, when I was a correspondent, on a journey around the world, employed me to lecture on “Men of the Mountains” in the Mormon Tabernacle, at a fee of five hundred dollars.
While I was gaining practice in the first years of platform work, I had the good fortune to have profitable employment as a soldier, or as a correspondent or lawyer, or as an editor or as a preacher, which enabled me to pay my own expenses, and it has been seldom in the fifty years that I have ever taken a fee for my personal use. In the last thirty-six years I have dedicated solemnly all the lecture income to benevolent enterprises. If I am antiquated enough for an autobiography, perhaps I may be aged enough to avoid the criticism of being an egotist, when I state that some years I delivered one lecture, “Acres of Diamonds,” over two hundred times each year, at an average income of about one hundred and fifty dollars for each lecture. It was a remarkable good fortune which came to me as a lecturer when Mr. James Redpath organized the first lecture bureau ever established. Mr. Redpath was the biographer of John Brown of Harper’s Ferry renown, and as Mr. Brown had been long a friend of my father’s I found employment, while a student on vacation, in selling that life of John Brown. That acquaintance with Mr. Redpath was maintained until Mr. Redpath’s death. To General Charles H. Taylor, with whom I was employed for a time as reporter for the Boston _Daily Traveler_, I was indebted for many acts of self-sacrificing friendship which soften my soul as I recall them. He did me the greatest kindness when he suggested my name to Mr. Redpath as one who could “fill in the vacancies in the smaller towns” where the “great lights could not always be secured.”
What a glorious galaxy of great names that original list of Redpath lecturers contained! Henry Ward Beecher, John B. Gough, Senator Charles Sumner, Theodore Tilton, Wendell Phillips, Mrs. Mary A. Livermore, Bayard Taylor, Ralph Waldo Emerson, with many of the great preachers, musicians, and writers of that remarkable era. Even Dr. Holmes, John Whittier, Henry W. Longfellow, John Lothrop Motley, George William Curtis, and General Burnside were persuaded to appear one or more times, although they refused to receive pay. I cannot forget how ashamed I felt when my name ap-peared in the shadow of such names, and how sure I was that every acquaintance was ridiculing me behind my back. Mr. Bayard Taylor, however, wrote me from the _Tribune_ office a kind note saying that he was glad to see me “on the road to great usefulness.” Governor Clafflin, of Massachusetts, took the time to send me a note of congratulation. General Benjamin F. Butler, however, advised me to “stick to the last” and be a good lawyer.
The work of lecturing was always a task and a duty. I do not feel now that I ever sought to be an entertainer. I am sure I would have been an utter failure but for the feeling that I must preach some gospel truth in my lectures and do at least that much toward that ever-persistent “call of God.” When I entered the ministry (1879) I had become so associated with the lecture platform in America and England that I could not feel justified in abandoning so great a field of usefulness.
The experiences of all our successful lecturers are probably nearly alike. The way is not always smooth. But the hard roads, the poor hotels, the late trains, the cold halls, the hot church auditoriums, the overkindness of hospitable committees, and the broken hours of sleep are annoyances one soon forgets; and the hosts of intelligent faces, the messages of thanks, and the effects of the earnings on the lives of young college men can never cease to be a daily joy. God bless them all.
Often have I been asked if I did not, in fifty years of travel in all sorts of conveyances, meet with accidents. It is a marvel to me that no such event ever brought me harm. In a continuous period of over twenty-seven years I delivered about two lectures in every three days, yet I did not miss a single engagement. Sometimes I had to hire a special train, but I reached the town on time, with only a rare exception, and then I was but a few minutes late. Accidents have preceded and followed me on trains and boats, and were sometimes in sight, but I was preserved without injury through all the years. In the Johnstown flood region I saw a bridge go out behind our train. I was once on a derelict steamer on the Atlantic for twenty-six days. At another time a man was killed in the berth of a sleeper I had left half an hour before. Often have I felt the train leave the track, but no one was killed. Robbers have several times threatened my life, but all came out without loss to me. God and man have ever been patient with me.
Yet this period of lecturing has been, after all, a side issue. The Temple, and its church, in Philadelphia, which, when its membership was less than three thousand members, for so many years contributed through its membership over sixty thousand dollars a year for the uplift of humanity, has made life a continual surprise; while the Samaritan Hospital’s amazing growth, and the Garretson Hospital’s dispensaries, have been so continually ministering to the sick and poor, and have done such skilful work for the tens of thousands who ask for their help each year, that I have been made happy while away lecturing by the feeling that each hour and minute they were faithfully doing good. Temple University, which was founded only twenty-seven years ago, has already sent out into a higher income and nobler life nearly a hundred thousand young men and women who could not probably have obtained an education in any other institution. The faithful, self-sacrificing faculty, now numbering two hundred and fifty-three professors, have done the real work. For that I can claim but little credit; and I mention the University here only to show that my “fifty years on the lecture platform” has necessarily been a side line of work.
My best-known lecture, “Acres of Diamonds,” was a mere accidental address, at first given before a reunion of my old comrades of the Forty-sixth Massachusetts Regiment, which served in the Civil War and in which I was captain. I had no thought of giving the address again, and even after it began to be called for by lecture committees I did not dream that I should live to deliver it, as I now have done, almost five thousand times. “What is the secret of its popularity?” I could never explain to myself or others. I simply know that I always attempt to enthuse myself on each occasion with the idea that it is a special opportunity to do good, and I interest myself in each community and apply the general principles with local illustrations.
The hand which now holds this pen must in the natural course of events soon cease to gesture on the platform, and it is a sincere, prayerful hope that this book will go on into the years doing increasing good for the aid of my brothers and sisters in the human family.
RUSSELL H. CONWELL.
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