#my doctor: oh you definitely have them here’s a questionnaire to help me get that for you

[reverie-starlight]

I need blood work done soon (probably next week) so if you see a drabble or mini fic based on something along those lines within the next few days… leave me be

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings From Austin

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.

Word Count: 2616

Warnings: a/b/o, homophobia, bisexuality, biphobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility

*additional warnings to be added in future parts.

A/N: Here we go again with one my weird as hell dreams, series Inspired by this art.

A/N II: There is no intentional hate or malevolence intended towards any of the Ackles or Padalecki families. This is a purely fictional piece containing real and created persons/names/events set in the fictional A/B/O verse. Some dates/events altered to fit story.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

*divider by @writeyourmindaway​​​​​​​

*images found online

Prologue

Austin, TX

Mid July

“Babe,” Jensen softly says in a low voice to the person seated next to him in the waiting room, “Babe,” he says a bit louder, still getting no response. Leaning close, he blows into their ear.

Jared starts, his “what” muffled by the finger he’s been chewing on.

“You know you can’t do that, don’t want you getting sick.” Taking his hand Jensen pulls it away from his pretty pink lips, gently caressing the finger. Jared had finally stopped chewing on his hands when Covid-19 became widespread.

“Where’s your gum?” Jared bite his lip not answering.

Sighing, Jensen shifts retrieving his pack and hands a piece to him. “What’s got you masticating again?” He inquires as Jared pops the stick in his mouth.

Jared chews the gum nervously weighing how to answer the question knowing Jensen won’t accept anything less than the whole truth. “What if something goes wrong again because of me.”

Jensen’s brow furrowed. He learned years ago that while their relationship is one of equals, he had to be lead Alpha when Jared’s mental state overwhelmed him as it had the last few weeks.

***

After the public announcement in March 2019 that season fifteen would be Supernaturals last, they had agreed when finished with the pickups they would take an extended break, return to Austin and concentrate on their marriage.

Jared intended to stop acting indefinitely, pursuing other interests and Jensen wanted to concentrate on his music.

Of course, things didn’t quite end up how they planned.

Jared entered negotiations to star in the Walker, Texas Ranger reboot, along with being an executive producer. Jensen got a call from Kripke wanting him for the role of Soldier Boy in The Boys third season.

But by March of 2020, everything came to a halt thanks to the Corona-virus.

The shutdowns left Supernaturals final two episodes with no definitive filming date and their seemingly never ending last season put their other projects on hold.

For the first time in years they had the luxury of a leisurely schedule, not having to be somewhere on a timetable, they could communicate with friends and family uninterrupted, deal with their other businesses, charities, etc, leaving most days free to enjoy being together without constraint.

But even amazing, awesome, vigorous sex on every horizontal/vertical surface that could support the two big Alphas only filled so many hours and like many couples, they started getting each others nerves and looked for other ways to stay occupied.

By late May, Jared was unable to sleep or eat, even going out of the house became a chore. When he hit a consecutive fourth day in bed, Jensen bodily dragged him into the bath for a desperately needed shower and loaded him in his truck driving to his doctor's.

Upon checking in they were told patients only allowed in the facility. Jared started panicking, saying he was having chest pains and couldn’t breath. He was rushed in with Jensen hot on their heels after morphing into an overprotective Alpha mate no one was stopping.

Jared’s doctor deduced with the lock-downs prohibiting him from his routine checkups and periodic adjustments needed to his medications triggered this episode.

The first step was to wean him off his current prescriptions and change to a newly approved, alternative regime. He was checked in a facility for ten days under observation while detoxing off his meds.

His therapist switched his twice weekly tele-counseling sessions to daily for the foreseeable future and Kodas certification as an emotional support animal was approved. His progress was slow but he was returning back to his sweet natured, big hearted, exceptionally tactical, overgrown puppy self.

When the surprise call from the clinic came a few days ago about an appointment opening, Jensen initially didn’t want it, still in his overly excessive protective Alpha mode. Jared’s outburst made him relent, fearing they were on a collision course for a major setback if he didn’t.

And Jensen, being Jensen, went overboard to ensure the appointment was absolutely private.

Part I

Jared was about to speak when a woman in scrubs called out, “Mr. Bonham and Mr. Page.” they got up crossing over to her, “Hello, I’m Sissy, Dr. Rodgers nurse, please follow me.”

They pass through the doorway leading through a maze of halls like that of any other medical clinic except this one specialized in a very specific service.

The nurse opens a door near the back of the clinic gesturing for them to enter the spacious office, “Please have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.” She closed the door and they sat down in the pair of chairs directly in front of the large, dark mahogany desk.

Jensen, scenting Jared’s nervousness, lifts his right hand kissing his palm, making him chuckle at the tickle of Jen’s soft beard before twining their fingers together and setting them on his left thigh, smiling reassuringly.

There was a brief knock before the door opened and an older, silver haired Beta entered. “Hello, I’m Dr. Rodgers, how are we doing today?” He asks, moving to his chair behind the desk.

Jared gave him a tight smile and Jensen remained placid.

The doctor raises an eyebrow, “Relax Mr. Page, this is just a visit to go over the paperwork before deciding about how we proceed, not the Spanish Inquisition.” Jared releases his held breath but couldn’t completely calm himself.

“I know the process can be overwhelming but I must ask, is there something we’ve done to make you uncomfortable?” Dr. Rodgers inquires.

“No, everyone’s been really nice, very professional. It’s just we..we had issues the first time we attempted to do this.” Jared finished his sentence quietly, in the recess of his mind; something bad is gonna happen and it’ll be my fault.

Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, instinctively sensing Jared’s mind was trying to spiral again, “When tried this before someone leaked our plans to the media. It wasn't ever proven the clinic was involved but...”

“We do everything possible to keep our clients anonymity protected here. All of our staff have been thoroughly vetted and sign NDA, given your professions, you're familiar with how they work. Your real identities will remain completely confidential, even if you choose to not proceed. It is why you chose this particular clinic, yes?”

“Yes, it is.” Jensen replied.

“How about we get this bit of paperwork out of the way, then we can have a more relaxed visit. I’ve gone over the applications you both submitted and have noted a few discrepancies in the medical section that need clarification before we proceed,” He opens the top file, “Mr. Bonham, why did you omit Genu Varum from your medical history?”

Jensen kept his expression neutral as he felt his stomach automatically clench. He had been mercilessly teased throughout his childhood about his bowed legs by his older brother Josh and later his buddies from school when they’d come over to hang out. By the time he was in high school Jensen’s extraordinary looks and personality were what got people’s attention first. Nowadays, many a fanfic waxed poetic about those bowed legs.

“The questionnaire inquired about inherited genetic medical conditions and since mine isn’t, I didn’t think it was necessarily applicable.” Jared hears an edge creeping into Jensen’s voice and gives their tangled fingers a quick squeeze.

“Did you see an orthopedist and were they able to determine what caused the condition? Did they suggest any surgical procedures or therapies to straighten your legs?”

“I was born a preemie, the orthopedists my parents consulted decided my condition was attributable to that.” Jensen replies tersely, dropping his vocal range. Jared gripped his hand harder, telling him to cool the attitude. “The doctor didn’t recommend surgery but sent me to physical therapy, thought it would help them straighten as I grew.”

“So no others in your immediate family have this issue?”

“Everyone my family has straight legs, including my three children.”

Jared piped in, “He hates it but he does have an exercise regimen; stretching, strength training. Oh, he also takes several different vitamins, omega oils, turmeric and extra vitamin D to support his joints.” They watched the doctor scribble a few more notes in the file before closing it.

“Mr. Page,” Jared sits up straighter in his chair, “I appreciate that you went into detail about your mental health status. I see you’ve recently been hospitalized, your medications have been changed to an alternative regiment and you’ve also increased your therapy sessions?”

Jared’s interview continued for another twenty minutes as Dr. Rodgers questioned him in depth about his depression and anxiety, feeling said anxiety ratcheting up so he focused on Jensen’s thumb rhythmically moving over his hand and used every ounce of his acting skills to appear confident and in control.

Dr. Rodgers closed his file, “I only have a few general questions left then we can discuss how you wish to proceed.”

After a more relaxed, genial conversation with the doctor, Sissy took them to a couple private rooms with paraphernalia to help stimulate them into producing a couple semen samples.

Jensen was getting close to finishing with his favorite spank-bank fantasy when he felt Jared’s frustration across their bond.

~~~

Jared couldn’t get aroused.

He felt as useless as his flaccid cock.

His doctor warned him that loss of sex drive could be a possible side effect of his new regiment until his body adjusted to it. He had struggled with temporary impotence a few times on his old meds, always fearful Jensen would finally see him as undesirable, no longer a satisfactory mate.

Rationally, he knew it was his illness causing these exceptionally hard to deal thoughts recently and the nagging idea this wasn’t the right thing for them to attempt again continually kept creeping in.

Jensen’s unspoken reluctance about having more children at his age was also weighing on his conscience, warring against his own biological longings.

They had a humongous argument when he told Jensen about taking the appointment. Jen thought this was the wrong time to attempt it again, pointing out he was just getting his equilibrium back setting Jared went off on a rant about how he no longer wanted him and would leave him like Genevieve had because he was too broken to deal with anymore.

Unmitigated anguish was written across Jensen’s beautiful features, the very notion that Jared could conceivably believe that he’d ever abandon him made his soul hurt in such a way no verbal language on earth could ever express his devastated feelings traveling across their bond.

***

Everything they’d been through; from that bar fight solidifying their friendship, Jared’s first breakdown, the years of living as roommates while secretly a couple to finding wives who understood their unique relationship and still married them both in 2010.

The joyous arrival of JJ three years later that unfortunately exacerbated Genevieve's frustration of not being able to conceive coming out with a vengeance at Jared. His unexpected breakdown in Switzerland was the final nail in their marriage. Gen was there for him but in the end it was all too much and she filed for divorce.

Shortly after, Jared’s iCloud account was hacked. It was believed, but never conclusively proven, that Gen was behind it since her lawyer was trying to break their prenuptial agreement, the videos documenting his private and explicit sexual relationship with Jensen were legally considered adulterous. In the end, the court upheld the legal document but the ramifications...

They were summoned to L.A. for the meeting from hell with WB executives, both convinced it was the end of Supernatural and their careers.

After the reaming out, they each received a weeks pay suspension to cover some of what it was gonna cost PR in time and money to deal with the inevitable repercussions and placate the show's sponsors.

How would the show’s fans react? Would they still be able to accept them as brothers only on TV while in real life they were involved in a highly stigmatized relationship?

When they returned to work there was an atmosphere of tension that hadn’t existed before. It was an open secret that all shows had their share of bitchiness and backstabbing behind the scenes. Jensen may have the thicker skin, keeping tighter control on his emotions, but Jared knew it hurt him just as deeply the loss of some of their friends because of prejudicial, social beliefs that two Alpha males shouldn’t be involved.

Jensen’s parents showed up unexpectedly in Vancouver a few weeks later. What started out as a not quite comfortable visit quickly deteriorated with his religiously conservative parents. They had not raised him like this and blamed Jared, saying he had corrupted him, leading him into a sinful lifestyle. He needed to repent and return to his wife to whom he had made a commitment before god.

Jensen blew up, replying it was none of their business, it was between them and oh, yeah, Danneel knew about them before marrying him and they better not say anything to her. Without another word his parents left. When he later called them to make amends, his mother coolly stated that he was no longer part of their family and to never contact them again.

Three months after the twins were born in 2016 came the finalization of Jensen’s divorce from Danneel, painful but congenial. They easily agreed on joint custody and still spent most holidays together. Jensen gave Dani financial security in their settlement, he wanted to make sure she didn’t have to worry about working again unless she wanted to.

All these years later, Jared continually has nagging thoughts that they had let everybody down. They received support when they publicly came out as bisexual then lost some of it when they married, being mocked for not coming out as gay.

***

There was another knock at the door and Jared ignored it, it was that nurse checking on his lack of progress again. The knock turned into pounding, “Jared, open this door now dammit!” He flinched realizing Jensen knew what was going on with him. Releasing the privacy latch and opening the door a crack he saw concerned green eyes only.

“Sorry, I thought you were that nurse,” he stepped away and sat back down as Jensen came in and re-latching it behind him. “She came to get me when you stopped answering,” Jensen said, walking over to him and started running his thick fingers through his husband’s long hair, “what’s going on babe?”

He glances up knowing that Jensen already knew, “It’s okay Jay, take as long as you need.” He paused at the unpleasant scent wafting around him. “If you’d be more comfortable we could do this at home…” Jared shakes his head, “There’s the risk of damage, contamination and or not able to get it back in time that could make the semen unusable.” Jared quotes from a website.

Jensen softly chuckled, “Nerd.”

Jared notices the bulge in his jeans, “You didn’t...”

“Drain the snake..choke the chicken..spank the monkey.”

“Fuck, okay, you didn’t! Stop using old man slang.” He shook his head smiling  at Jensen intentionally goading him.

Jared reached up for the hand playing in his hair, grasping it to draw Jensen down next to him.

“Jack, I don’t want to wait any longer on doing this. I love JJ and the twins, you know I do, but they'll always be yours and Danneels. I know the timing could be better... but I'm almost thirty-eight and I want my..our own pups running around the house driving us crazy.”

“For the next eighteen years?”

“Minimum.”

tbc

Part II

SPN: @donnaintx​​​​​​​​​​​​ @lyarr24

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva

[howaboutalittlehelpneos]

YGO! Questionnaire

Tagged by @cipher-wise

Pleasantly surprised to be in one of these, so let’s go

Favorite series: *Gestures to icon* Is it any surprise I’ll be picking GX? I love GX with all my heart and soul. The story’s pacing is very good and never feels like it’s dragging its feet to get to where it’s going, most duels are over in less than a full episode with the longest one being three, there are so many good characters to get invested in, and this boy right here is your protagonist.

Look at him blow kisses to the audience after beating Crowler, how could anyone not love Jaden Yuki? I care him so much. Even the filler episodes in GX are pretty fun to watch most of the time, and it’s the good kind of filler that may not advance the plot much or at all, but it’ll give you plenty of good memories to take with you. Who could possibly forget the eggwich thief? Not to mention the soundtrack fucking slaps.

Favorite protagonist: I mean...

Yeah it’s Jaden. GX hooked me immediately when I started watching it because of how much I loved this boy. He’s that perfect mix of cocky and sweet when it comes to dueling because he’s confident in his own abilities, but he never stops having fun and being amazed at what his opponent can do, he cares about all of his friends and does his best to help them with their problems, he’s kind to strangers, and he has exactly half a brain cell. 

I feel the gif speaks for itself, but Jaden’s dialogue when he turns around here is “I’m such a sucker for things like this! I’ll help you, ma’am!” Dorothy says “No, you’ll be late... Don’t you have a test today?” And Jaden replies with “Who cares if I’m late? I couldn’t leave a lady in trouble!” Jaden Yuki is my absolute favorite protagonist.

Favorite rival: Oh man is that a tough one. Am I allowed to pick two? It’s a hard call to make between this dumb edgy bitch-

And this dumb gay bitch

Honestly they’re tied for favorite rival in my book. I absolutely loved Chazz when I watched GX, and I thought his arc about breaking through his inferiority/superiority complex and learning to accept loss as a part of life without letting it define him was wonderfully written, and seeing him grow as a person throughout the show just made me feel happy for him. Shark... I really thought I wasn’t going to end up liking Shark at first, but god he just gets so much better as Zexal goes on, starting out as this mean spirited middle school bully in episode one, and slowly ending up as Yuma’s boyfriend closest friend. It’s incredible to look back at how Shark acts when he’s first introduced and compare it to... season 3, I think it was, where just hearing the words “Yuma’s in danger” is enough to send him running to his rival’s side. Chazz and Shark. They are my favorites.

Favorite BFF: Him

Crow Hogan is an absolute treasure and he was my favorite part about watching 5Ds. This little bird man first gets introduced by stealing cards for his kids and clowning on Sector Security, and he’s a source of so much good throughout the show. Excellent best friend (technically brother but I’m counting him), wonderful father, 10/10 person all around. Plus the fact that the only thing stopping him from berating his bitchass brother even more was Yusei having to literally pick him up and pull him away is definitely extra points in my book. What a powerful little bird. His only weakness is people that are taller than him, which is unfortunately most people.

Favorite GFF:

Yuzu. Have I actually watched Arc V yet? No, but I’m still picking Yuzu for my number one here. Tea and Tori are just awful characters, I’m neutral towards Alexis, and Akiza... Did have potential to be something interesting on her own, despite how uncomfortable she made me in seasons 1-2 of 5Ds, but her relevance is alllll downhill from there. I’ve seen one clip of Yuzu yelling at a man eating pie and calling him a 100th rate duelist, and that was all I needed to know she would be my favorite. (Clip here) 

Favorite villain: Oh boy

The fuckin carrot is my favorite villain, and I say this as someone who fully believes he didn’t deserve to be in the last episode. Vector did some fucked up shit in his day, and he only continued to do fucked up shit in Yuma’s day, but I have to say he was pretty effective when it came down to his goals. He got things done and went right for what he wanted by taking direct action to seize Don Thousand’s power, and he manipulated Yuma perfectly by preying on his kind nature and love for Astral to use him to further his goals. 

...Plus I mean just look at his subbed dialogue God he’s such a slut. Evil slutty alien.

Tl;dr Vector was a horrible horrible person, but he was a good villain, and he was so entertaining whenever he was on screen that it was impossible not to like him. Still kinda wish he got what he deserved though, and what he deserved definitely wasn’t another chance.

Speaking of Don Thousand though, can we talk about how unfairly pretty he is? If I had to pick a runner up villain in terms of looks alone, it would definitely be him.

God it was not fair how pretty the big bad of Zexal was. He’s fucking gorgeous, and in my opinion, the best looking villain at the very least.

Favorite card: *Sweats in Duel Links* Favorite? There’s so many cards out there to pick from, but since I’ve already broken the rules with my two favorite rivals, I’ll be picking two of each card type: Spells, traps, and monsters. One for the aesthetic, and one for how often I make use of it.

First up, the Aesthetics group

What can I say, Vampiric Koala is such a cutie, Dwimmered Path has some really pretty card art, and Rainbow Life is an eternal flex on any heteros I may encounter while playing Duel Links. Nothing better than a gay trap card.

Now for usability

Dragon Knight of Creation is suuuper helpful in any dragon themed deck and has a permanent slot in my decks for Mokuba and Kaiba, PoG is always a fun way to boost up weak monsters to ridiculous heights, and Dark Bribe just lets you block your opponent like “Okay I know you wanna hurt me but I will let you draw another card if you do not do that thing”, and they can’t refuse you.

Favorite episode: I’ll be copying cipher’s format here and picking one for each series, but this will still only total out to five for me since I’ve yet to watch past Zexal ^^; Soon I’ll get to Arc V! One day...

Season 0: Episode 16:  Turnabout by a Hair's Breadth - The White-Robed Crisis I’m a sucker for my son Joey, and this was a good Joey episode about him and his sister, plus it was nice seeing that doctor get what he deserved :) Duel Monsters: Season 5, episode 12-14:  The Deciding Match for Duel King - Yugi vs. Leon/Golden Castle of Stromberg/KC Grand Prix Ends  Probably a weird batch of episodes to pick, I know, but a lot of DM was kinda forgettable to me, and these are some of the few episodes I do recall. I just... really felt for Leon’s situation, and I wanted good things for that boy. I care him. GX: Season 3, episode 34: Dark Fusion! Inferno Wing!! Jim. Jim Jim Jimmmmm. This was the episode that finally made me understand why saviorshipping was a thing because it hits you with all these memories Jim has of Jaden and shows how they bonded before all this Dark World shit happened, and the whole thing was very emotional. 5Ds: Season 4, episode 2-3:  Recollections, Entrusted with a Friend's Dying Wish God Crow, my precious bird son. I really liked the backstory they gave him, despite how much it hurt. It was probably the best character development he got in the whole of 5Ds, and let you see a side to him you probably wouldn’t expect. I loved watching him get his justice. Zexal II: Season 2, episode 5-6:  Alito the Silent Fighter - Reunion of the Passionate Duelists!/ Be Revived! The Duelist Soul That Transcends Life!! I picked these episodes for Nistro and Nistro alone. He was one of my absolute favorites in Zexal, and seeing how well he and Dextra were doing was good for the soul. Just look at this good lion man right here.

Look at him!!!

Favorite decks to use: Elemental Heroes, Aromages, Red Eyes, Six Samurai, and Crystal Beasts.

Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, Xyz, Pendulum, or Link: I’m a simple girl, I love fusion/tributes for how easy they are, but synchro can be pretty fun, too

Years in fandom: ??? Even I don’t know the answer to this one, friends. I used to be in the fandom when I was in middle school, wrote/read a few fanfics here and there, but then I fell out of it for... Well I’m 22 now and only got back into things 6 months ago? I started rewatching the abridged series of Duel Monsters in March, and from there I just wanted to consume actual Yugioh content and never went back.

Who am I tagging: @finding-fallen-petals @dizziedaikonn​ @chazzaroo​ Go wild y’all

[stephkaylor]

FAVES & FAILS: #1 (Teen Wolf)

I’ve decided to do this questionnaire when a show/book series/movies where I answer these questions with fun gifs too (its Tumblr, what did you expect?), if you want more info, the original idea post with links to each of my completed lists is here ⚡️. A bunch of my faves have already ended so getting all of these out will take a minute, but I’m aiming to post a new one twice per week. 🤞🏻Anyway, enjoy!! OH!! ALSO, I’ll be discussing plot elements in this list so...SPOILER ALERT!!

TV Show FAVES and FAILS: TEEN WOLF

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: STILES STILINSKI

HANDS DOWN, no question about it! He was the soul of the show, and funny, and so incredibly human on a show full of the inhuman, and that was what made him so integral.  Anyway, I could go on forever about how much I love Stiles, but here’s a gif:

LEAST FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: GERARD ARGENT

There isn’t really a male that makes me want to punch something, so good for the writers, I guess?

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: LYDIA MARTIN

I really want to say Allison but it HAS to be Lydia, hands down! Her character development from a girl pretending to be vapid and shallow and who hid her genius so she could “fit in”, to a strong, powerful, confident woman secure in who she really is and the power inside of her (figuratively AND literally, lol), this girl is the real MVP.

LEAST FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: MONROE

This was hard because there are several female characters that made me want to throw my laptop out of the window.  The short list is Kate Argent, Allison’s mom... I could go on... but Monroe’s systematic attempt to wipe all supernaturals out of Beacon Hills and then maybe the rest of the world gave me fucking high blood pressure and a rage issue. I don't care how “scared” you are, killing a kid who hasn't done anything wrong just because they are different than you is some fucked up, borderline genocidal bullshit. And she survived the finale!!? Like I had to deal with her self-righteous smirky attitude and you didn't even have the decency to punch her in the face and let me watch?!? Rude.

THE CHARACTER THAT DESERVED BETTER: Aiden (and kind of Ethan)

I badly want to say Allison again here because I love and miss her tons. But she died protecting her family and friends and I believe that she is happy wherever she went afterward.  Watching Aiden die in his twin brother’s arms I don’t know who I felt the worst for.  The boy dying, or his brother who now has to live without him... I’m gonna go cry now, brb.

THE DEADWEIGHT CHARACTER WE SHOULD’VE DUMPED IN 2009: Kate Argent

Luckily she was not a regularly appearing character, but when she showed up it was always “for revenge” and I'm like...can we just...not this season? I was having a lovely time and then you showed up with your petty anger for whatever fucking shit that happened in, like season one.  Like, honey... if it’s been so long since you’ve been relevant that I have to google what you’re upset about because I have honestly forgotten...maybe it’s time to let that shit go.  Kindly fuck off now, please...

OVERHYPED CHARACTER: Derek Hale

Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s great and I loved when he was on the show, but I feel like some people think he carried the show and it wouldn't survive without him.  Well, surprise! because he went away after season 4 and I still think some of their best shit came in season 5 and the beginning of season 6.  

UNDERHYPED CHARACTER: Deaton

Um, he was basically Scott’s druid emissary and he got no recognition for it.  He saved all of the main pack members’ lives at least once.  Also he didn't make Stiles pay for the windows, so he’s apparently not an asshole. 

OVERHYPED SHIP: Scott and Malia

I feel like they had to adjust the final season A TON because of Dylan’s injury and Kira not coming back and I think the writers panicked when they didn't know who to put Scott with (because our leading man could never not have a girlfriend, *gasp* THE HORROR!) because Lydia needed to be with Stiles and I think they picked Malia because she was basically the only one left...I was never into it.  In fact, when my friend texted me after we watched the episode where they get together, my response back to her was literally “meh 🤷🏻‍♀️”.

UNDERHYPED SHIP: Allison and Isaac

It would’ve been so nice to see where that relationship went.  Don’t get me wrong, had she lived, I would’ve wanted Allison to end up with Scott.  But I loved that the show was willing to say that it is okay to fall in love more than once in your life.  Sometimes the shows aimed at a younger audience have a tendency to act like your first love has to be the one you’re with until you die and that’s just not realistic. It was nice that the writers didn't box these characters into that mold because it gave them more depth as characters. 

FAVORITE SHIP: Stiles and Lydia

I don’t know how to explain how much I love this pairing.  Like, from the beginning he saw her for how amazing she was and he supported her as she came into her powers and then she was always there making sure that someone was taking care of him when he was taking care of, literally, everyone else, and then when he disappeared SHE KNEW something was wrong nearly instantly, and ‘remeMBER I LOVE YOU’ I need to stop before this run-on sentence goes on forever.  ALSO they’re canon official, which never fucking happens for my ships so I’m fucking excited, sue me.

FAVORITE VILLAIN: Deucalion

His backstory was well-developed and deep, he was clear with his goals, he actually executed said goals in a logical and timely manner, he was a fucking ALPHA OF ALPHAS, nuf said. 

MOST HEARTBREAKING MOMENT: Allison’s Death

Hands down, the most heartbreaking moment on the show, and I will fight anyone who comes at me with a different opinion. Because like--she was smiling when she was stabbed because she had figured out a way to help her friends and then she died in Scott’s arms and told him she loved him even though they weren’t together she still loved him and he still loved her, and I truly believe that she had zero regrets when she died, and how bittersweet is that???!  But Scott couldn't take her pain because it didn’t hurt anymore, and Lydia had to feel her best friend die and she screamed Allison’s name and if you are not hurting right now are you a monster???!?!

FAVORITE STORYLINE: Eichen House Escape/Dread Doctors in Season 5

It was hard to pick between the Dark Druid storyline in season 3A, but the Eichen rescue/Lydia learning how to be a BAMF Banshee from Meredith while she was catatonic (ALSO ‘Stiles saved me’ I AM DEAD!!!), and the whole la bête du gévaudan thing was great, and reuniting the pack after Theo had royally fucked it up earlier that season, it was all just superb! *chef’s kiss*

STORYLINE WE COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT: Like, the whole second half of the last season, TBH

It was a petty, counterintuitive, and just garbage. The monster was dumb, Monroe is a royal twat (as I stated above), and it didn't have a conclusion.  Like, the fuck? This isn't Game of Fucking Thrones you guys do not need to leave every season finale with so many loose ends it make people want to throw their laptops off of a cliff into a vat of hydrochloric acid.  And it was the LAST SEASON so there’s no hope of fixing this bullshit storyline. ugh, kill me now. 

BIGGEST PLOTHOLE: Scott’s pretty selective “True Alpha” powers

They, like, kind of tried to pass it off as it taking a ton of energy so he can’t always do it all the time.  But he got through a mountain ash barrier to save Deaton and activated his True Alpha but then couldn't get into Eichen to get Lydia out because of the mountain ash...? oh and also where the fuck did Cora and Isaac go? (I, sincerely, hope he’s not still just chinning in fucking France wondering were Argent fucked off to)

OVERALL MARKS OUT OF TEN (10 being that watching this show has probably increased your life’s worth by at least five percent; 1 being the only thing this show has given me is a stomach ulcer and trust issues): 

8.75 out of 10.  This show was a blessing and I would definitely recommend it to other people. (mostly because I love to get people hooked on my favorite shows and then they're stuck and we can be tortured together). 

THE END! Thanks for reading my overly-long and overly-obsessive list.  Do come again soon.  I’ll probably have another of these up next week.  🤍🤍🤍

[atths--twice]

Okay, here we go... Mulder is taking Mrs. Scully’s advice and trying to find a therapist. He has seen a couple and today... it will be the third one he is meeting. Will this be the one who will be able to help him get back on track? 

I’ve said this before, but ugh,,, certain chapters of this story just own a piece of my heart forever. I mean, to be honest, the whole thing does as I AM the one who wrote it, but certain ones just hold my heart and always will. 

I hope you all are enjoying this tale I have created. I LOVE this story so much. I love these characters even more. 

Chapter Twelve

Third Times the Charm

March 2015

Mulder sat on the couch in the waiting room of the therapist's office, his leg bouncing. This was actually the third therapist he was meeting with, the other two had not been a good fit for him.

After Mrs. Scully left him the list of possible therapists, he stared at it for a while. He knew she was right, he did need to speak to someone, he just hated the actual doing part of it. He hated sitting in a room and answering questions like “how does that make you feel?” Well, the woman he loved more than anything had left him and it was going on six months, how was he supposed to fucking feel?

He looked up, seeing the door was still shut, and let out a breath. His leg, which had paused, begin to bounce once again. There was music playing softly in the room and it was beginning to put him on edge. It had no vocals, but the melody was familiar and something he had heard with Scully. He did not know the song exactly, but he knew it was something familiar.

“Fox Mulder?” said a voice, causing him to look up and then frown.

A woman was standing in the doorway of the office, a rather young woman. She was tall, curvy, almost plump, and had long dark brown hair with blue streaks throughout. Aqua, he thought, no actually more of a teal.

She had on dark jeans, a long sleeved black shirt with a band name or something he could not quite read, and a plum colored button down short sleeve shirt worn open. She wore only socks, black socks adorned with four leaf clovers, and no shoes.

He looked at her, completely flustered by her appearance. She looked no more than twenty five, like she should be in a dorm, telling kids to turn down their music and that alcohol was not allowed on the premises. No way this was the therapist he was going to be meeting.

“You’re Fox Mulder, yes?” she asked, stepping closer to him. He stood up and found that she was only a couple inches shorter than him. He was definitely not used to that happening.

“I’m Fox Mulder,” he said, reaching out his hand. She smiled and he noticed how perfect her teeth were and then the blue of her eyes. Jesus, they were almost as blue as Scully’s.

She grasped his hand in a firm handshake. “It’s wonderful to meet you. I’m Doctor Clarke, but you can call me Rachel. Please come in,” she said gesturing toward her office.

She dropped his hand and waited for him to walk into the office, following behind and shutting the door. He looked around the room and was again shocked by the difference between her office and the last two he had been in.

Here the walls were a light cream color and the floors were a dark hardwood with a large sage green rug set upon it. There was a charcoal gray couch and a matching chair with an ottoman that looked exceedingly comfortable and a dark wood colored coffee table and desk of the same color. Her laptop sat closed, papers and notebooks stacked neatly beside it. A small table with one of the new coffee makers, coffee mugs, stir straws, and cream and sugar sat next to the desk.

He took note of her degrees on the wall and doing some quick math, he was surprised to find she had to be at least thirty five. He looked at her and was struck again by the youthfulness of her face.

“Please, have a seat,” she said, gesturing toward the couch. He turned and walked over and sat down. There were colorful throw pillows, in different hues of blue, like the sea. He smiled at the sight of them, again thinking of Scully and her love of the ocean.

He sat down on the couch, moving a couple of the pillows around. She sat in the chair, grabbing a pad of paper and a pen off the coffee table as she did. She clicked her pen and wrote a few things on her paper before she looked up at him with a smile.

“So, as I’ve said, my name is Doctor Clarke, but please call me Rachel,” she said, sitting back in her chair and putting her stocking feet on the ottoman. “I am a therapist with a bachelor's degree in psychology and a masters degree in psychotherapy. I have been a licensed therapist for six years and if I do say so myself, I’m pretty great.”

He looked at her, stunned she would say something like that to a client, especially one she had just met. Her mouth was curling up, trying to hide a smile. Oh, he thought, she was very different than the last two stuffy people he had met.

“Anyway,” she said when he made no comment. “I was going over your information and I saw that the online questionnaire I require my patients to fill out had not been done.”

She stared at him and clasped her hands in her lap. She raised her eyebrows and it was so reminiscent of Scully’s look, his breath caught in his chest. He had still not uttered a word, trying to get a good read on this non shoe wearing, streaks of blue hair woman. She gave not an inch and he knew one of them had to speak eventually. His leg began to bounce when he realized it needed to be him.

“Well,” he said, clearing his throat. “I didn’t have access to a computer, so I couldn’t fill it out.”

“Truth or bullshit?” she asked, holding his gaze. He blinked, stunned again at her language as well as directness, and she did not back down.

He thought of his computer at home, still cracked and a new one not yet purchased. He had done so purposely, having no desire to have access to the Internet or email. Logically, he knew the computer and the technology it brought were not to blame for the situation he was in now. Emotionally though, it was a link to Scully, and he had wanted to sever that when he had felt angry.

Along with no computer, he had also kept his phone turned off, leaving Scully absolutely no way of reaching him, unless she drove her ass over to the house to see him. As he sat there now, he realized how selfish and asshole-like that would sound if he said it all out loud.

“Truth,” he said quietly.

“Good. Well, then since you were unable to answer the questions and this is our first meeting, I’m going to ask these of you, in more of a ... free form. You cool with that?” she said, picking up her pen, ready to write down his answers.

He nodded and then shook his head before leaning it back. He began to clench and unclench his fists, nervous beyond anything, at the prospects of talking about what brought him to see her today.

She was not saying anything and it was making him uncomfortable. He lifted his head and looked at her. She was watching him, her expression again unreadable. They must teach you that at therapist training, he thought, the right way to stare at a person while revealing nothing of yourself.

He knew how to do that too, years of working for the bureau and questioning suspects, had given him that ability. If she wanted to play a weird chicken game of stare down, he was more than ready. He would give it this one hour, then tell Mrs. Scully this therapist had not worked out either. Yeah ... he could tough out an hour.

“Do you like sports?” came her unexpected question, her eyes watching him. He blinked at her again, unable to form an answer, and she smiled slightly. “Me, I love sports, but I’ve never really been good at all of them. We had to do most of them in elementary school and then again in high school. I was not a fast runner, or good with the fancy footwork that goes with most sports. But oh ... I loved playing baseball.”

She paused for a moment, her hands once again clasped in her lap, her thoughts no doubt on a ball field somewhere.

“I wasn’t a fast runner, like I said, but the feel of the bat in my hands, the power I held to either bunt or whack the shit out of the ball, I loved it,” she said wistfully. “I loved the audible groan I would hear from the team when I stepped up to bat, knowing I was most likely going to hit the ball far. I loved the tight grip I would get on the bat, the feel and sound as I tapped the bat to home plate, the smell of the dirt, and then the sound of the ball hitting the bat and knowing it was going way outfield. I loved it all.” She stopped and smiled, no doubt seeing the ball flying over the outfield, the opposing team trying and failing to get to it in time.

He watched her and thought of his own love of baseball, watching games with his dad and listening to them on the radio. He thought of the scent of a musty old book as he read box scores, the taste of a nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle in his mouth, and the sound of Scully’s slight gasp when he held her and demonstrated hips before hands before they “slapped a piece of horse hide with a stick.”

Yeah, he loved baseball too.

He looked at Rachel and they smiled at one another. She waited and he knew he was going to have to speak up. He took a deep breath and nodded.

“I didn’t answer your questionnaire, but,” he paused, looking at her and she nodded. He sighed and swallowed. “My ... well she’s not exactly my mother in law, but she kindly requested I speak to someone. She asked some friends and found some people they suggested.”

He stopped and thought of the look on Mrs. Scully’s face as he told her he would see about talking to a therapist. Her face was so hopeful, and he knew he could not take seeing her face heartbroken if it did not work out.

“I uh, my … partner, God ... she and I are not together right now. We’ve, well there’s been some, uh, I only have an hour, right?” he laughed nervously, all of a sudden close to tears. Fuck.

She smiled at him, writing something on her paper. “Yes, an hour, but we can make another appointment. We can talk about anything you want right now,” she said kindly. “The questionnaire is helpful to both of us because it helps me see what you want out of this and it gets you thinking about what you personally want out of it. I can read it and know how I want to proceed, but it’s all dependent on you.”

He sighed and nodded. He looked at the pictures she had on the wall. A drawing of a ballerina in pose, a photo of her at a football game with her head on an older man’s shoulder, both of them bundled in their teams gear, and a mesmerizing drawing of the sea with nearly the same blues as the throw pillows.

“You like the Seahawks?” he asked, looking back at her. She smiled at him and nodded, looking over at the photo.

“I used to live in Washington state. My dad and I went to many games and then we moved here when I was ten,” she said. “We always caught them when they played somewhere close. That picture is me and my uncle at the Super Bowl last year.”

“Your dad couldn’t make it?” Mulder asked, looking at the photo.

“No,” she said quietly. “He passed away when I was seventeen.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ...” he said, feeling terrible and intrusive.

“No apologies necessary,” she said with a smile. “Are you a football fan? Do you have a favorite team?”

“Uh ... yeah I like it, but I prefer basketball and baseball, too. Basketball is the sport I enjoy most and the Knicks are my team,” he looked at her and she nodded. “No matter how their season went, they’re the team I’ve loved since I was a boy. My dad used to watch them and he took me to a few games when I was younger. It was fun and exciting. The crowd cheering, the sound of the buzzer, the squeaking of the shoes on the court, I remember loving that almost as much as the game itself.”

“The sounds and feels of things can stay with us more than remembering the scores or the players. Our minds don’t always work in numbers and stats, but when we go back and read them, we remember the warmth of the day and feel of a parent’s hand instead,” she said softly, smiling at him again.

He nodded, remembering days with his dad before his family life went to shit. Sometimes those days were hard to call upon when so many bad memories pushed their way to the top. He looked around the room and then back at her with a sigh.

“I feel like you’re waiting for me to break down or start pouring my heart out,” he said, pulling a pillow on his lap and picking at it.

She smiled and then lightly chuckled. She moved her feet from the ottoman and stood up. She walked to the coffee pot and picked up a mug, opened the coffee holder, and put something inside. She closed it down and pushed a button before turning to him.

“Would you like a cup of coffee?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Uhh ... sure,” he said and she nodded. “Just black.”

The coffee stopped dripping and she brought the cup over to him. He murmured his thanks as she walked back to make one for herself. She added some sugar and cream and then sat back down. A few minutes went by as they both drank some coffee.

“Mr. Mulder,” she began and he choked on his coffee, shaking his head.

“I ... no,” he cleared his throat and tried again. “Mr. Mulder ... sounds like my father.” He coughed and she nodded.

“Fox,” she began again and he heard Scully’s voice coming from the passenger seat of a car from what seemed like forever ago. That same hesitation and uncertainty in Rachel’s voice was present, and he felt tears once again at the back of his throat.

“Fox? Would that be okay? To call you Fox?” she asked him, no doubt sensing his unease. He looked in her eyes, so close to the shade of Scully’s, and he knew he would never be able to hear her call him Mulder. He was Mulder only to Scully.

“Yes, Fox is fine,” he said quietly, looking down into his coffee cup.

“Fox, the endgame of therapy is not to force you to break down and cry. I’m not here to make you do anything you don’t want to do,” she said, setting her mug on the small table next to her chair. “I’m not here because I asked to be, you came to me because you must know you have things you need to discuss. I am a non biased party who will hear you out and help you to reach conclusions, that’s my role. If you choose to continue our discussions, I will create a scheduled time for you weekly or biweekly if you want it. These sessions are for you. You get out of therapy what you put into it, Fox.”

She held his gaze and he knew in that moment, she was the therapist he would be seeing. It was not just the more laid back atmosphere and attitude she had, it was the feeling he got being in this room. He felt calm with her and that he could open up without feeling judged or scolded as he had felt at the last two therapists offices.

A buzzing sound interrupted his thoughts and she glanced at her table. She picked up her phone and silenced it, placing it back on the table. She locked her hands in her lap and looked at him.

“Our time for today is up,” she said. He smiled at her and she smiled back. The past hour had flown by surprisingly fast considering he had been dreading it and ready to say it was a bust.

She stood up and he followed suit, setting his mug on the coffee table, and walking with her to the waiting area. She turned to him and reached out her hand once again. He looked down and shook it, her handshake as firm as he remembered.

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Fox. I wish you well on your journey to find the therapist who is the right fit for you,” she said with a smile.

He dropped her hand and laughed quietly. “Would this time next week work for you? Or should we do biweekly at first? I could be here next Tuesday and then Friday,” he said, smiling as he watched her smile grow.

“I can do Tuesday, or would Wednesday be okay?”

“No, Wednesdays are ... I have standing plans every Wednesday,” he said, not offering any other explanation that it was the day Mrs. Scully came over to visit. He would not change that day, he looked forward to her coming out to his house every week.

“Next Tuesday it is then,” she agreed, picking up a reminder card and writing the date and time down for him. She handed it to him and he slipped it in his pocket.

“Well, I no longer wish you well on your journey, I now thank you for your decision,” she said, placing her hands on her heart and bowing her head. He laughed and went to grab his coat from the coat rack.

“What made you decide on me, if you don’t mind me asking?” she asked, rubbing her hands together and then interlocking her fingers.

He smiled as he put his jacket on and buttoned it up. “Your story about baseball made me think back to a moment that was pretty special to me. It made me think of the scent of the evening and the sound of baseballs being hit, and how in that moment, every other problem and worry seemed so insignificant,” he said, once again hearing Scully’s laughter and remembering how it felt to hold her, even if for a brief time.

“Huh ...” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “I just thought it was a cool story.” She smiled at him and once again he felt his breath catch.

“I just thought it was a pretty cool key chain.”

If he was on the fence about her being the right fit for him, he just fell off and landed in her yard. He could almost see it happening, landing on his ass while she sighed and stood waiting for him to join her in the office, the colorful throw pillows calling to him to sit down and get comfortable. He grinned at her and nodded, walking toward the door, when her voice she stopped him.

“Fox, do us a favor and get access to a computer. I’d like to have that questionnaire to study over the weekend before our next meeting,” she said kindly. He nodded at her once again and walked out the door.

The drive home felt lighter than the drive over to her office. His worry seemed to have not disappeared, but decreased a little, and he felt he could breathe easier. He knew this was going to be rough and he would have to get out of his comfort zone, but he was willing to do it. He hated every second he was away from Scully. If this was how he got her back, he would go every day.

Well, every day but Wednesday.

He pulled into a local strip mall and went into a computer store, picking out a laptop that would work for him. He put the box in the backseat, got in, and started the car. Realizing he had no food at home, he swung through a fast food place for a burger and fries.

Arriving at home, he brought in his food and computer. While he ate, he plugged in and begin to prepare his laptop. He waited as it booted up, doing its updates, whatever else it needed to do. Tossing out his trash, he sat back down and connected to the WiFi. He took the appointment reminder from his jacket pocket, found the website address, and then the questionnaire Rachel asked him to fill out.

Ten questions. Who knew ten questions would break his heart and leave him sobbing into his hands. He held nothing back when he answered the questions, at least as it pertained to what he wanted to gain from getting him and Scully back to where they needed to be. He knew writing in answers and then speaking with Rachel would be two different things, but the recent silence that had fallen on the house, and especially as he sat answering those questions, was enough to settle any fears he had.

He sent his answers off before he could change any of them, and closed the laptop down. He wiped his eyes and stood up, stretching his body. It was not late, but he felt exhausted. Turning off the lights, making sure the doors were locked, he headed upstairs. He used the bathroom, brushed his teeth, undressed to his boxers, turned out the lights, and got in bed.

He thought of the day and the questions he had just answered, his mind buzzing too much to even remember each one individually, and he took a deep breath. He reached out and touched the empty side of the bed, closing his eyes as he did.

His eyes flew open as he thought of something. He pushed the covers back and ran down the stairs. Searching from room to room, he finally found his phone and tried unsuccessfully to turn it on.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, now on the hunt for his charger, finally finding it in a desk drawer, under a stack of papers. He brought both upstairs and plugged it in by the nightstand.

Waiting for it to turn on was excruciating. He sat on the side of the bed, running his hands down his face, and then across his mouth. The sound of the phone starting up, made his heart drop. He looked down and saw missed calls and voicemails from Scully. Text messages piled up and he had a hard time seeing them through his tears.

There were weeks worth of “good mornings” and “good nights,” but mostly “I love you’s.” Simple one lined texts that cut him to the core. What a fucking asshole he had been to cut himself off from her. Why had he done that? To punish her? He had only punished himself by not seeing her messages to him.

He listened to her voicemails and like the text messages, they were short- hoping he was okay, work was going all right, and always ended with her telling him she loved him. He listened again and saved them when he was done.

He looked at the date of her last text, a week ago. As he scrolled up through her texts, he saw they were all about a week apart. If he was right, she should be texting him tomorrow. Well, he was not going to wait until then before he reached out to her.

He thought of explaining to her why he had not responded to any of her messages, but he did not want to lay all his shit at her feet. Not again. He stared at the phone, deciding what to write. Keep it simple, he thought.

Good night. I love you, Scully.

He hit send and exhaled, not expecting an answer, not right away. He set the phone down and laid back down in bed. He hoped she read the message and the simple words he sent would make her feel as good as hers did for him.

He closed his eyes and sighed. Then, he heard a beep. He reached for his phone and unlocked it. One new message and his heart felt as though it were smiling.

Good night, Mulder. I love you too.

[mars-walk]

Task 01: Character questionnaire

ONE — FIRST OFF, WHERE DID YOU GROW UP? TELL US ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

I grew up in Melbourne, Australia — Kensington area if that means anytihng to anybody. It was alright. Lived with both my parents till I was 14, then my mum moved all the way to Perth and it was just me, my dad, and my brother Matt. Don’t speak that much with either of them nowadays, but used to be pretty close with my brother then. Played Jurassic Park out in the garden and all that, I was always a raptor, and he was Dr. Grant. 

I was quite good in school, I reckon. Got good grades and stayed out of trouble for the most part. Everybody was expecting me to be a doctor or something, but apparently screwed that expectation up when I started getting the tats. Guess ink makes you incompetent. Not too bothered, though; I never wanted to be a doctor anyway.

TWO — WHY DID YOU WANT TO COME LIVE AND WORK AT THE MALNATI? WHAT DREW YOU IN?

Well, after I quit modelling I didn’t really know what to do with my time. Had some business ventures but nothing took off, then this dude I knew from the biz told me about this place. I figured, yeah, sounded like a good deal so I decided to give it a go, and here we are. No special reason behind it all unless you believe in fate, but it’s the nicest place I’ve lived in a good while.

THREE — WAS YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR DECISION TO COME WORK AT THE MALNATI AND JOIN THEIR HOUSING PROGRAM?

My mate Mog kicked up a bit of a fuss about me abandoning New York, but I desperately needed a change of scenery. I think she’s calmed down about it now, so it’s all good.

I haven’t discussed it that much with my family. My mum thinks I’m too far away and don’t visit often enough, but I guess that’s just how mums work. Dad isn’t too bothered about whether I’m in Chicago or Milan so long as I’m living and breathing.

FOUR — HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT HAVING TO SHARE A SUITE? DO YOU GET ALONG WITH THE OTHER RESIDENTS?

I’ve had to share a two bedroom flat with five other guys before, so this is pure luxury. My suite mates are nice, I guess, though I haven’t seen too much of them.

FIVE — WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE AS A KID OR WHAT JOB DID YOU PICTURE YOURSELF DOING?

I definitely wanted to be an archaeologist until I realized that it wasn’t all that the Indiana Jones movies cracked it up to be. Also wanted to be an astronaut for a bit, or a race car driver, but that clearly didn’t pan out for little Marshall either.

My mates and I also shot a few atrocious home movies in year 6 and really thought we were the next Spielbergs and DiCaprios... spoiler alert, we weren’t.

SIX — WHAT IS ONE THING THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU WOULD PROBABLY NEVER WANT THEM TO KNOW?

Not getting me that easily.

SEVEN — IF YOU WEREN’T WORKING AT THE MALNATI, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’D BE DOING RIGHT NOW?

Uhhh, don’t know. Probably just running around New York somewhere, watching a fuckton of movies and writing in coffee shops... so basically the same thing as here. Maybe I’d be back in Australia for a little while. I didn’t really have anything lined up, to be honest.

EIGHT — IF THIS DOESN’T WORK OUT FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU SEE YOURSELF DECIDING TO DO? THINK OF THE BIGGER PICTURE OR MAYBE YOUR 5 YEAR PLAN.

Well, the current plan is to crash here while I figure out what the actual plan is. No offense to the place, but I’m not exactly aspiring to be in the hotel fitness industry for life. Just trying to work towards my goals without blowing through all my savings in the process... but guess the five year plan hopefully ends with me having a decent enough platform that people want to read what I have to say. Oh, and finally getting my own place and a dog.

NINE — IF YOU COULD ONLY PICK ONE, JUST ONE, WHICH WOULD YOU PICK? BEING RICH BUT HAVING FEW FRIENDS OR STRUGGLING BUT HAVING PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU?

I mean, bit of a logical issue here, yeah? Surely my friends would love and support me or they’d be rubbish, so even just having a few would be something. Might as well have some money too, no need to be fake humble about that.

TEN — LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT YOUR JOB AND WHAT’S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PART?

I won’t lie, I’m really enjoying not having to clean my own flat all the time. If it has to be about the actual work specifically then... pretty neat that I’m actually getting paid to help people do something good for themselves. But I’m not a huge fan of the ‘Gram girls who just come in to look hot and crack onto the trainers. Gets on my nerves.

[thecomfycritic]

My Psychiatrist Thinks I Am Bad And Have A Stupid Name

(All names and titles have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy)

My name is Edward, and I am tremendously unstable.

It’s not something I’m ashamed of, though. Instability brings a lot of creative joy into my life. Even though it brings a lot of troubles with it as well, I still view my mental… tendencies, I’ll call them, as a definite non-curse.

It’s important that non-neurotypics (neuroatypicals? You’ll have to forgive me; I only just recently found out about this term) look for the additive effects of their conditions in addition to their diminutive ones. After all, growing up constantly fearing the consequences of being *crazy*, it’s almost impossible to get by without being your own ally.

With that in mind, you can understand why I’m both baffled and slightly delighted that my new psychiatrist just read me like a damn toilet stall warranty tag.

Get to Know Dr. Muniz

Dr. Muniz is an older man from India with dark, thinning hair that he wears in a translucent comb-over. He is also one of the loudest humans I’ve ever met. Sitting on the other side of his desk, his speech is enough to blow your hair perpendicular to your face, and the actual tone of his voice resonates at such a deep pitch that my chest cavity vibrates when he talks.

This is not the voice you want asking you why you marked every ticker box underneath “panic and anxiety” on his office’s initial questionnaire.

“How is your mood? Wait–don’t tell me. Bad!”

This was the first question Dr. Muniz ever asked me. Once he did, I knew immediately that we were off to a great start.

It was our initial consultation, that pain in the ass first appointment where you have to summarize for a complete stranger your entire history of trauma and therapy. If you’re like me, and you’ve seen at least 30 different therapists since you were 4 years old, you’ve gotten this down to the most essential bullets. I’ve learned from decades of doing this that most doctors just want to know what medicines you take, when and why you started taking them, and how you’re feeling now. Dr. Muniz was no different and asked me the same question, so I gave him the same answers.

Except Dr. Muniz didn’t let me get very far.

“Well,” I said, “I’ve been taking a steady daily dose of 100mg sertr–”

“And how is your mood?” Pen in hand, he didn’t look up from his notebook.

“…100mg Sertraline, and since this past May, I’ve been–”

“Your mood? Wait, don’t tell me. It is bad!”

I wasn’t sure what to do in this situation, so I just said “Well, I have been experiencing difficulties lately with–”

“Ohohohoho! You are one, I see.”

…?

After several moments had passed in silence, I hadn’t unraveled the riddle yet, so I gave up and just told him, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear you say those words.”

“HEH?” he… I don’t know. Heaved.

“What?” I replied.

“Oh yes! Of course!” he continued, rejoicing for some reason. “Here is your prescription. I write this prescription; I do it. I do it for you. Ok? But only today! We need the records from your old office.”

“Do I just… I don’t… I don’t know how to do that.”

“Simple. You go to the desk, you say I need to request my records, Angela helps you. She does it all the time. That’s what she is for.”

“I do not think that is correct.”

By this point in the conversation, most of my brain had melted into a gray mush. That’s when Dr. Muniz, who had finally allowed me to tell him what medicines I take, asked me one last question. “And your name is Jack?”

“Edward.”

“Oh yes.” Having confirmed my name, Dr. Muniz proceeded to write a prescription, spelling it “Eduouarde.”

Now, it felt quite nice to see my name spelled in Chaucerian Middle English, but that’s actually not how most people spell it these days.

“I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but would you please change the spelling? Here’s my driver’s license, so you can see how it’s spelled on there.”

“Wow,” said Dr. Muniz, “That’s how you spell your name?”

“Yes.”

He snickered to himself. Then, writing it again, he said “I do not think that is correct, Edward.”

The next time I went, he said I looked like I’d gained weight.

[the-everlasting-dream]

A/N: Thanks for the tag

Buuuuut I’ve done this a few times so I’m a bit bored so I hope you don’t mind that I changed it up and made it kind of a fic involving my OH MC Jaya, Bryce and Rafael.

-

‘Hey Raf?’

Rafael Aveiro glanced back to see Bryce Lahela walking into the living room of the apartment they shared with Jaya Da Silva. In his hands, he was holding Jaya’s open laptop, a shit eating grin on his face as he wandered over to where Raf was sitting on the couch. Jaya was currently in the shower getting ready for their date and as always the boys were sentenced to waiting while the beautifying process was ongoing.

‘Yeah?’

Bryce’s grin grew even bigger. ‘You won’t believe this.’

He sank down next to him, bringing the laptop into view and Raf peered at the open website there.

‘No way... Jaya has...’

‘A tumblr!’ Bryce crowed gleefully, looming like a kid on Christmas. ‘Let’s take a look.’

Before Rafael could say anything, he’d clicked into the site to find the conglomeration of Jaya Da Silva’s tumblr. He knew she would have murdered them both on the spot for it but he couldn’t resist the curiosity that burned inside him.

‘She definitely has no theme to this,’ Bryce observed.

‘Yeah,’ Raf agreed vaguely as random posts of Indian fashion, feminist icons, inspirational quotes and something called aesthetics flew past. ‘Wait what’s under that tab?’

‘My obsessions? Da Silva’s in trouble now!’ Bryce exclaimed clicking on the tab with ferocity.

‘Oh damn.’ A pair of wolffish grins appeared on both faces as Jaya’s obsessions turned out to be a bunch of movie stars and celebrities both Indian and American that she was well... obsessed with. Notable names were Siddarth Malhotra, Henry Cavill and Usher. A lot of Usher.

Rafael pointed to a part on the screen. ‘She just got a notification.’

After they’d clicked into it, they found it was a tag from one of Jaya’s followers requested she complete a 21 questionnaire.

Bryce turned to his companion, eyebrow cocked. ‘What kind of partners would we be if we didn’t help our girl out?’

Raf was already nodding. ‘It only seems like the charitable thing to do.’

Bryce grinned, thinking how much trouble they were gonna get into for this for one fleeting moment before clicking ‘New Post’.

Zodiac - B: I don’t think she cares about that. We’re doctors, horoscopes are null and void in our business. R: She’s born in August so does that make her a Virgo? B: Dude your guess is as good as mine.

Height- B: 5’8” R: and 3/4, as she likes to remind us. B: perfect handrest height. R: you know she hates that. B: That’s exactly why I do it.

Hogwarts House- B: She strikes me as the Hufflepuff type R: Not Ravenclaw? She won the position on the diagnostics team for a reason. B & R *together*: Ravenpuff

Last thing I googled - B *laughs evilly: This is your downfall J. Let’s check that search history real quick. Microcarcinoma? Boooooring! R: What did you expect? She is a doctor man.

Favourite Musicians - R: She has a thing for Usher. B: Oh yep. And that Indian dude too, whatisname?? R: Arjit Singh? B: Bingo!

Song stuck in my head -Both of them let out a huge groan at this, memories of their partner playing a certain song on repeat for the last two days. B&R *look at each other and sigh*: Heer Baadnam. The pounding drumbeat still reverberates in both their heads.

Following now- R: 394... I expected more. B: Same.

Followers - B: Damn Jay... 1150? Not bad at all.

Do I get asks - R: Asks? B: Ya know, questions from other users. *scrolling through* Nope she needs to get more. I’m putting out an announcement to send her more.

Amount of sleep - B & R share a wolffish grin: Not a lot last night

Lucky number - They glance at each other. Neither of them know the answer to this. Jaya has never mentioned or hinted at anything so R: 249 Why? B: *shrugs*

What am I wearing - B: Nothing at the moment. The boys share a laugh as the sounds of the shower can be vaguely heard in the background. R: Hopefully that new dress we got her soon. I’m starving.

Dream trip - B & R: Cordonia. They share a conspiratorial look, knowing that was exactly what they were planning to surprise her with that night.

Favourite food - B:....uh she likes a lot of stuff. Your mum’s tarts, that weird thing that Mikey makes, a bunch of Indian food. R: She freaks out especially with Channa Masala B: oh yeah how could I forget...

Instruments - R: She’s actually really good at guitar. B: Why haven’t I heard her before? R: Because we’re are usually preoccupied with other things when you’re around. B: I’m just a piece of meat to you guys. R: Who’s the surgeon here again?

Languages - B: English and Tamil. R: I’ve been teaching her a bit of Portuguese too.

Favourite songs - R: I got this. *lists every Usher track B: Very thorough R: Thanks.

Random fact - B: How mean are we feeling? R: Just a little. She’s gonna murder us for this anyway so might as well make it worth it. B: fair point. Get ready to hear about the great Landry scandal Tumblr.

Aesthetic - R: I’ve heard of these. Is that where you put together a collage of stuff about her? B: Yep and we’re gonna be the focus of that. R: No doubt about it.

‘Hey boys,’ Jaya appeared in the doorway, dressed in the dress they’d picked out just for her, freshly made up for their date to see them still crouched over the laptop screen. Her eyes immediately narrowed. ‘What are you doing?’

Bryce and Rafael share a completely-not-innocent look before slamming the laptop shut. ‘Nothing!’

-

Fic tags: @chantelle-x0x , @choicessa , @mariamulroney , @drakewalkerwhipped , @thewolvesss , @mfackenthal , @srawesleyghuewrites , @topsyturvy-dream , @enmchoices , @gardeningourmet @debramcg1106 , @alesana45 , @meladoridarcy, @blackcatkita , @tmarie82 , @annekebbphotography , @lizk77 , @jayjay879 , @tornbetween2loves , @akrenich , @theroyalweisme , @likethetailofacomet , @sleepwalkingelite , @littleblossom-18 , @ooo-barff-ooo , @drakewalker04 , @mkatschoicesblog

Rafael Aveiro: @kennaloverofdragons @ifyouseekheart

[luvdsc]

Hihi Cat! I've come to deliver some good news! (This is pretty long huhu ToT)

MY ERB HAS BEEN APPROVED AND I CAN PROCEED TO RECRUIT PARTICIPANTS!! Ahh it's been such a blessing to be able to proceed immediately! I've actually hit my target amount of participants in less than a day (IT'S CRAZY) but I'm gonna collect more responses cuz the more the better! (Would you wanna check the questionnaire out? I can PM you the link!! :3)

Also also I PASSED THAT FINALS! The one I took a day after my vaccination (1st dose) ToT GAHH I'm so happy I won't even ask for more, it's enough :3

I've been writing my thesis during this sem break but it's progressing pretty slowly cuz I've been so drained from last semester and the vaccine itself. Huhu but I've written a brief rundown for my proposal so there's a rough idea there, just needa rly assemble it into a clear narrative. And yes I agree! Psychology studies are a beautiful fusion of science & human essence imo, and its fascinating learning more abt ourselves and how we as the human species progress in life ya know? 😌

I got my second dose exactly a week ago and got the same side effects - headache, arm soreness, hunger, fatigue; I felt like a fusion of psyduck & snorlax HAHAHAHA 😂 - it wasn't anything serious so yay I'm fully vaccinated! (in a few weeks time keke I'll be)

HAHAHAHA my vaccination appointments were pretty eventful. The nurses and volunteers were all so warm and friendly! I'm the type of person who feels whatever's being injected into me, it's not the pain that I wanna distract myself from (it wasn't pain tbh) but that sluggish discomfort I get from the needle ejaculation >//< sooo as they showed me the vile and syringe before injecting me, I prepped my Yangyang photocard in my hand. During my second dose, the nurse thought I had some fancy way of taking a video when in actual fact I was just looking at my Yangyang photocard hehe UwU she asked me whether I wanted to see the needle going in (smtg I can't look at tbh) and I was like HELL NAH ToT

And also some recap from the previous ask!

There's no need to apologise for the delayed response okie!! UwU my sem break is ending this week, but I've spent my time completing my academic research trainee tasks (transcribing audio clips), I've also created the content & design for my uni's newsletter, did some thesis writing, and I took a course on financial planning on Coursera to prep myself for the adulting life ToT

And idm sharing my back up / failed topics! I didn't have a lot of cards in my hands, but here are some of em!

1) time perspective and meaning in life 2) anticipatory nostalgia 3) not a topic but a variable! fragility of happiness / happiness aversion

what ideas did you settle on for yr art pieces? If you dm sharing, I'd love to hear abt it! 💖💖💖

Tbh I can't think of a fav ice cream flavor hmm 🤔 i rly didn't think it'd be so hard thinking of a fav ice cream flavor but the first that comes to mind is green tea! I like them milky flavored ice cream😍 though my fav from this ice cream place I go to is thai milk tea, it's so fragrant and milky!! 🥺💖 I just got myself a tub of milk & biscoff gelato keke UwU what's yr fav ice cream flavor? :3

For my course structure:

We have 2 long sems (Jan - Apr, & Aug - Dec, 16 weeks) & a short sem (May - July, 9 weeks)! Our sem breaks are only around a month then it's back to sleepless nights ToT AND YES those weeks were the most stressful weeks ever 🥺😭 I'm glad I'm graduating soon for that reason 😂(though idk what awaits in the working world ToT that is another fear I have :/)

Thank you for being part of this journey and being open to listening to my lil adventures! 🥺🙆🏻‍♀️💖😭 esp w the amount of responses and ppl helping me, I feel a lil more motivated to work and excel in this pregnancy (thesis, I call it pregnancy cuz it's around 9 months too HEHE) Since the pandemic, it's been pretty hard separating studies & hobbies :/ I've learnt it the hard way from my period cramps last sem (mine's the severe type where you can faint ToT), and it was also on my last paper for finals !! Very traumatizing ._. but I'll continue to manage myself better! :3

Huhu Cat since you're working now, I also wanna ask abt yr experience in job seeking! Cuz unemployment is a real deal here esp. w everything that's going on :') I don't have working experience either (only had 1 through internship) and it literally feels like I'm going into the unknown ToT I've been running over some case studies and assessments just to better prep myself for this. Do you have any advice as someone who's already working? UwU

Take care and stay lovely as always!! 💖💖💖

hi, sweetpea !!!! 🌸 omg major congratulations for getting your ERB approved, honey bee !!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 that’s absolutely amazing, and I’m uber proud of you 🥺💗💗 also, it’s wonderful that you hit the required number of participants so quickly !!!!! (And I would love to participate if the questionnaire is still open 🤧)

AND HECK YEAAA CONGRATS ON PASSING THE FINAL TOO 🤩🤩🤩🤩 big congrats to you all around, miss smarty pants 💓💓💓

Oh gosh, I hope you got to rest during your semester break too ): you’re working so hard, please remember to take care of yourself !! 💕 your mental health is more important 🤍 have you finalized your proposal now? And omg yes exactly !!! It’s so interesting to see the thought process behind an action and how it can be manipulated or influenced by various stimulants or there’s also the argument between nature versus nurture too and how that affects psychology and it’s just all so cool to learn about 🤩

Omg you had so many symptoms, I’m so sorry to hear that 😭 I only had a sore arm, but that’s what happens when I get any shot 🤧 I hope you’re feeling better now 💘💘

I’m really glad to hear that the nurses and volunteers were kind and friendly !! it’s always comforting to have nice people as doctors, especially when you’re trusting them to stick a needle in you bshdjdjdkd omg yangyang to the rescue !!!! 💞💞 we’re not allowed to record record any medical appointments, like I think the nurse thought the person in front of me in line was recording when they were getting their vaccine and said they weren’t allowed to do that 😅 and aaaaa I always have to look when they inject me, I don’t like being taken by surprise 🤧

oh my gosh you were so productive over your semester break !!!! :o and oooo you do content & design for your school’s newsletter? Do you do stuff like graphic designing and write articles? 💓 and how was the financial planning course !! Did you learn a lot? Did you like the studies? :’)

aaaaa those topics sound so cool ??? 🤩🤩 I would definitely be down to read about those omg 💛

for my 3D design class, I decided to do lightbulbs and flowers as my overarching theme for my art pieces !! I included a couple pictures below under the cut at the bottom 💓 the first one is a soft sculpture made out of newspaper, and there’s a pencil next to it for size reference, the second one is made of wires that I shaped myself, and the third one is made of foam boards that I cut and assembled myself as well 💕 and I included a picture of my final painting project! it’s a triptych and I believe the size was like 18 x 24 for each one? If you click on the picture, it should be better quality!

omg I love green tea ice cream too !!!!! 🍵🍦 I like going to somi somi for their matcha and milk swirl ice cream with red bean taiyaki 💚 I only had thai milk tea ice cream once, but it was phenomenal 🤩 I wish they sold it near me too !! milk and biscoff :o I’ve never tried that flavor! I’ll have to see if it’s sold around here :’) green tea is my favorite, but I also really like everything but the... from Ben and Jerry’s !! 💛 also alcoholic ice cream.... like there’s this one kind where it was a breakfast esque type with vanilla, corn flakes, and bourbon, and it was delicious 😋

omg what 😭😭 you’re basically going to school year round with no break bahsjdjdjdkd when I was in uni, i had a month off for winter break (usually something like dec 9 - jan 9) and then mid june to mid September off, so around three months of summer vacation? Your school schedule sounds absolutely brutal 💀💀

and omg of course !!! Thank you for letting me be a part of the journey 🥺💗 bdjdjddj pregnancy omg that’s such an interesting way of seeing it :o sending you all my love and support for a successful delivery of your thesis baby 🥰🥰 oh yeah, it’s definitely been a struggle to separate everything, especially when the lines between home and workspace blur with online school or working from home. And oh my god ???? Are you okay ?? Did you go see a doctor or take any medication? I hope you’re feeling better now !! Please take care of yourself 😭

ah, I got my job through my internship, so I’m not sure how helpful I will be 😅 but during the process of interviewing for internships, there were several rounds for each company that range from a group interview, a one on one interview, video interview where they give you random questions that you have to answer on the spot (some of mine were discuss the stock market, give a sales pitch on something you’re interested in, etc), a test, etc. I think it’s different depending on the job you’re going for, but that’s what I had to do in the business field! It’s important to study and prep for all of this!! It’s like taking an verbal exam for one of your classes. And also make sure to study the company’s website and familiarize yourself with what they do/sell.

My one piece of overall advice would be about interviews! Interviews are important in which the person interviewing you is seeing if you’ll be a good fit with the company, not in terms of skill, but personality. They already know you’re qualified and have good skills - that’s how you got the interview. With the interview, they’re essentially trying to see how personable you are and if you will work well with their team. Some people are so intent on proving their skills that they kinda just rattle off all their achievements and whatnot, and it’s like... the interviewer already knows this, it’s all on the resume they reviewed when they decided to give the interview offer. Be friendly, open, maybe make a little small talk at the beginning (“hey, how are you? any weekend plans / how was your weekend?” This is what I did for all my business interviews, and I got an offer back from every one 🤧💗), make appropriate jokes / be a little funny, just show that you’d be a fun person to have in the office whom people will want on their team, but that you will also be dedicated to the job and work hard 💘

And thank you so much, honey bee!!! 💞 I hope you’re doing well and having a good week , and please take care as well 🌷🌷

[secretgiftsforshaman]

I wrote 2826 entire words before I collapsed last night

I have been seriously struggling this academic quarter. And I seriously struggled last academic quarter. As I did in undergrad, and in high school, junior high, and elementary. But I do not have any learning disabilities. And you have some idea of how smart I am in general, but I’ll share one specific example about just how very academically intelligent I am. On the SAT, I scored 700 in reading, 730 in writing, and 780 in math and I did not study for it. I spent most of the test bored and waiting for the allotted time to run out because I finished nearly every section way early. Early enough that at one point I had enough time to leisurely leave and use the restroom and came back before everyone else had finished. The only reason I did not score a perfect 800 in math because I missed *exactly* one question. I can still remember and visualize exactly which one it was – and only I missed it because it was the second to last one of the last math section and my brain read the word ‘diameter’ and was tired enough that my brain went ‘oh cool, radius’ even though I could have easily solved that problem when I was 11 or 12 (if you haven’t already gone “wow, she’s got some serious perfectionism issues” then now would be a good time for you to do so).

All of this to say: it has never been a question of not being able to understand the content. Very, very rarely in my entire scholastic lifetime have I ever not understood what was being taught to me. It is – and always has been – a matter of not being able to sit down and do the work.

One of the rubs of being so smart (especially when also socially inept – I don’t think I’ve ever had a formal diagnosis, but I would be astonished to learn if I wasn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum) is that your sense of self-worth is all too easily conflated with your intelligence and academic performance, placing massive pressure on yourself to be good at school, ‘cause that’s one of the few things I was reliably good at. 

Most of my school-age bullies, particularly the loudest ones, were just as smart as I was: all enrolled in the same accelerated classes, but they didn’t struggle the way I did, and they definitely saw it, and made sure I knew they did. They could all do their homework and turn things in on time, but I just couldn’t sit down and do even the simplest assignments sometimes – let alone the big projects and reports, not without crippling deadline pressure. My parents and teachers also tended to view the situation as if there was some kind of issue with me, too: that I was lazy/disorganized/not ‘applying myself’/needed discipline and punishment and then I’d be fine – alllll of that unhelpful bullshit.

Nobody thought that I wasn’t smart enough, though. Clearly, I was always great on tests: sit me down and ask me what I know and if there’s a definitive correct answer then odds are good that I knew what it was, so I excelled in math and science, and I took great comfort from knowing what I was doing and working familiar problems over and over. But having to go find sources for research and report on something or answer essay style questions – anything subjective or humanities-ish – was my kryptonite. I couldn’t ever say “this is enough information, this is complete and I’m done now” – once I started searching I’d drown in all of the information available and not be able to pull myself out with just enough to get the job done. I would become paralyzed simply by the thought of needing to sit down and do schoolwork, so I’d avoid it and distract myself with reading or anything else BUT schoolwork. And if I ever fell behind (which ALWAYS happened because that’s what happens when your avoidant coping is your default), then it was like pouring anti-napalm on everything: I’d be even more frozen and unable to function, like cold terrified acid licking through my veins. I have been a student most of my life – 21 and a half years to date – and the entire fucking time I’ve been limping along like this, always hoping at the start of each new term that This Time, somehow, I could Just Do It Already The Way I Should Be Able To, but over and over that optimism has crumbled to ashes in that undying flame of fear, paralysis, self-disgust, and despair.

I am able, now, to identify and name what I have suffered from my entire life, the condition that I was made to carry so much crippling SHAME for, that I learned to hide almost completely from all of my loved ones for over a decade so nobody would see that shame and decide to think less of me.

I have anxiety and complex PTSD. 

Where one ends and the other begins isn’t worth the effort of trying to tease them apart. The DSM-5 is an imperfect tool and no diagnosis is a uniform monolith – anxiety, PTSD, depression, and every other name of every other illness is merely a professional shorthand for “all/most of these symptoms are present.” It makes much more sense to treat my anxiety and PTSD as a single condition. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that my endocrine disorder, PCOS, was triggered by the chronic stress/elevated cortisol and insulin (because one of the most socially acceptable ways for our nervous systems to regulate and soothe themselves when under stress is with food), and if it isn’t completely just part of the same thing, then it’s LARGELY overlapping with the anxiety/PTSD (I know that my mother and grandmother suffered in a very similar way in school, and I know that the PCOS is tied to inherited/ancestral trauma, so it makes every kind of sense if the anxiety/PTSD that we all have is related as well). 

I have had a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis on my chart for years, and I’ve known, in my rational brain, that I’ve needed to get it under control to feel better and function in school (and to be honest, with almost all other professional/adulting things too). But thinking about what I need and actually DOING something about it are such utterly different things. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to admit to myself that I need real, professional help to overcome this condition – and to ask for and start receiving that help. There is a big culture in my family, especially us women, about ignoring our own issues and focusing on helping other people first (I know I must have written to you about this before), so this has been a massive step for me. 

For a while I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my classes, and have fallen behind in all four of them, and the feeling of being overwhelmed has only increased exponentially. I’ve wanted, desperately, to go to an emotional ER so many times the past month, so much so that I found myself wanting (and knowing on a deep level that my body needs) some kind of pharmaceutical support to get me through the fucking day and allow me to do some of the massive, teetering pile of backlogged work. Upon hearing about my experiences of paralysis and dysfunction, and scoring very high on the anxiety diagnosis questionnaire she used, my doc, who rarely reaches for her Rx pad off the bat, suggested putting me on Clonidine (non-addictive, originally developed for hypertension) especially after my double-checked at-home blood pressure reading was 154/80 (which is consistent with STAGE 2 HYPERTENSION in an otherwise healthy and young TWENTY-NINE YEAR OLD for fucks sake)(insert emojis denoting ABJECT PANIC here).

I am comforted by the fact that my doctor, who I’ve seen since I was a tweenager, has shifted in the past few years to specialize in treating addiction and substance dependency, so if there’s anybody who I can trust to medicate me without causing a chemical dependence it’s her (thank GODDESS). Dr. M agrees with my perspective that the meds are just a temporary measure to alleviate my symptoms enough to function, and that the true treatment is the therapy work that I’ve been trying to do for myself, but there’s only so much you can do all by your lonesome, no matter how many self-help books you read (and goodness knows I’ve read a TON).

So I also finally started seeing a therapist (!), and just admitting some of this out loud to another person has been so profoundly healing. Our second session was this past Wednesday, and I was able to start opening up and telling her that I think my anxiety traces back to ancestral trauma and how I feel called to use a bottom-up, somatic approach (hence my recent interest in shamanism, ritual, soul retrieval, transpersonal psychology, etc., which she’s totally accepting of; again, THANK GODDESS).

One of the many many many self-help books that I’ve had my nose in is “The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD (which I started reading like a day before I finally admitted that I needed to take drugs and do talk therapy *laughing at myself emoji here*). Servan-Schreiber beautifully articulated the relationship between our neocortex: the newly, highly developed, outer portions of the brain where our logic, reason, cognition, and consciousness arise from, and our limbic system: the older, more primitive inner section of our brains that controls our unconscious, autonomic physiological processes (like breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc.), trauma, instinct, intuition, and emotion, and is therefore far more deeply and intensely connected to the body (and bodily held memories) than the neocortex. 

I’ve been running around in my rational, conscious, neocortex mind *thinking* about all of my issues and traumas and everything for ages, and I understand so much about these things on that rational level – but that is miles away from the irrational, unconscious, limbic bodymind where all of those traumas actually ARE and continue to play out over and over as if they’re still happening. This is something that my therapist helped me understand – our neocortex understands that this is a different time and the thing that happened in the past is over and done and we’re safe now, but the limbic system has no sense of time. In our irrational reptile brains, everything still exists the same as it did all those years ago as if it never stopped happening. THIS is where our inner wounded child lives, where a soul fragment likely fled from for safety in the midst of the unendurable whatever-it-was that precipitated the trauma response, and where the empty spot is where it needs to be called back to still resides, open and waiting and longing. 

THIS is why I’ve felt called towards the irrational, mystical, shamanic modes of healing: I’ve done as much as I can with my rational mind, which cannot be used to solve an irrational problem or heal an irrational wound, which is what all trauma is. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked you for your help as a shaman with conducting a soul retrieval, this is the kind of work that I was starting to realize that I need to do. The crazy Thing That I Did that I told you about (and meant to describe for you more at the time but I was exhausted and desperately needed the rest instead) was a small and beautiful spontaneous retrieval of a part of me when I was seven, a part that was thirteen, and a part of me as a young infant that I brought to my own breast in recognition that I was both deserving of my own love, nourishment, and care, and capable of being a loving, heart-centered parent to myself. I felt all of the past, younger versions of me that I’ve already been gathered in concentric circles within me, and all of the older versions of me that I’ve not yet been spiraling around me, and my ancestors and guides and spirits and all of the love and kindness that anyone has ever directed towards me gathered around all of me like a compassionate embrace, and I think that it was that experience that gave me just enough of my soul back, just enough juice and magic that I could start digging my teeth in and taking the steps I needed to take to seek treatment and get my legs back underneath me.

As amazing and beautiful as that experience was, it wasn’t everything that I need in order to heal. I want to do a soul retrieval/healing ritual to unfreeze the part of me (and the part of my mother, grandmother, and other ancestors) that is stuck in that root trauma – where the anxiety, complex PTSD, PCOS - where all of that junk stems from. I don’t yet have much sense at all what that’s gonna look like, but I know that it’s gonna be the biggest damn spell I’ve ever cast, and that I don’t think I can cast it alone. Watch this space.

I do think, though, that preparing for that is the thing to do for now, by accumulating small things on multiple fronts – growing my strength, calling back small parts of me, telling more and more loved ones about my truth, chipping away at the stack of things to do, continuing with meds and therapy, contacting my professors and possibly the department/program admin (with a letter from Dr. M in hand documenting my diagnosis and treatment) to let them know that I need help I’m figuring out how to make up for assignments that I haven’t turned in and make sure that I can continue next quarter and not get kicked out of the program. I’m still carrying a lot of fear of failure/expulsion around this (and anxiety = paralysis = inaction for me, even though I desperately want to fix it) – especially after handling myself so badly in a similar situation at the end of last quarter. When you’ve got a minute, I’d appreciate a pep talk about broaching the subject with them.

All in all, I’m doing well and things are looking up in a way I’ve NEEDED them to start looking up for literal decades. I’ve even been able to start telling my mother about how badly I’ve been doing (she knows I’ve seen my doctor and started therapy and meds) and allowing her to see that pain and struggle after years of hiding it from her out of shame has been scary but such a relief. But Goddess Knows I’ve got A LOT to do still. Just cause I’ve finally struck a match and can navigate a little better doesn’t mean I’m out of the dungeon yet.

I began the meds just yesterday, and I’ve spent the day decompressing (never been a better time for me to have a few days all to myself kitten-sitting for some friends while they go to a tiny, COVID-regulation compliant thanksgiving visit with their family in Portland). Drowsiness is a listed side effect of Clonidine, and I was really worried that my prescribed dose was too high after being soooooo tired yesterday and today after I took the pills, but my increasing suspicion is that I’ve just been so high-strung and hypervigilant (hello super premature hypertension!) that the anti-anxiety/BP-lowering drug just uncovered the chronic e x h a u s t I o n that was already (always) there, rather than them making me drowsy when I wasn’t. So I’ve spent the day eating my friend’s leftovers (she’s an AMAZING cook) and cat napping with the two sweetest little troublemakers you ever did see (I’ll send pics!). 

I think that FINALLY being able to relax like this was what helped me to begin to be receptive and start opening up (and connecting with you!) again. Anxiety = I clam up, my libido nosedives, and my pelvic tightness/vaginal armoring gets painful and rigid – all bad prospects for wild, sexy, blooming Love-Lust-and-Light fun. I was so glad to reconnect with you – and that you reminded me that I need to get this out and I can process it and heal it by sharing it with you – that our Sacred Space is still there for me to use and pour my pain and magic and consciousness out into.

I think that’s all the most important developments. I’m excited to hear all about all of your new developments, processing, perspectives too. 

And now I’m gonna go to bed. One nap today was NOT enough to recover from  goddess-knows-how-long-I’ve-had-this chronic fatigue. I’ll talk to you soon

I love you, Άδης

Your Εκάτε <3

[sevenpabosandabunchoffans]

Another Rant

No, this one is not BTS related, but I can’t help myself from making this one.

I think I’m PMSing and about to start my period and that’s why I’ve been so annoyed and making rants lately.

Now, I know things can’t be 100% accurate, and I’m not directing this towards any one specific person except Stephanie Meyer since this pet peeve started with Twilight

If you are going to write about a certain topic, or include something in your writing, please do at least a minimal amount of research.

The amount of people who will write about something they know nothing about, and refuse to google it saddens me.

This goes for multiple topics.

Children/Pregnancy

As a child development major, this irks me more than it does most people, and as I said, I know things can’t be 100% accurate, and that since not everyone studies child development, there are things they can’t know, but there are somethings that’s just common sense.

Like it’s common sense that a 4 year old will not still be teething.

It’s common sense that a 2 month old will not be sitting up on their own.

It’s common sense that a 1 and a half year old will not be speaking in full grammatically correct sentences.

Onto pregnancy, why does everyone seem to think that you find out the sex of the baby on the first doctor’s appointment? Like, no. The genitalia begin to form at 6 weeks and aren’t finished until 14 weeks. The majority of people have their first appointment during that time frame, meaning it’s impossible to know anyway.

Also, morning sickness does not only happen in the morning, it’s just more common. The amount of times I’ve seen people writing fics about pregnancy, only for something to be wrong with the girl, and when someone questions her she says it’s just morning sickness, “but it’s not the morning”, please stop that.

Also, people will write about a bump at 2 months. If it’s the first pregnancy, like how it is in most fics, a bump usually won’t form until the 2nd trimester, which is 4 or 5 months. Maybe 3 months in some women, but not 2 months.

Smut

Okay, say it with me: the butt hole is not a vagina

The amount of gay smut where they talk about how “wet” the hole is getting when there is no lube or saliva involved, or the amount that says it’s painless without any lubrication. I’m a heterosexual female and even I know that’s not how it works.

Second, girls do not orgasm the same way guys do

A female orgasm is an overwhelming feeling of pleasure followed by sensitivity. There is no “flow of juices” and certainly no “white substance dripping down her thighs”. When “juices” do come out of her, that is called squirting, and only happens very rarely, some women never being able to at all. And after a women squirts, she can be very dehydrated and exhausted, and definitely not ready to go a second round, like described in quite a few fics. There are some women who can squirt quite often, however, they are in the vast minority, and therefore it should not be included in every. single. fanfic. Rarely do I see a fic that accurately describes a female orgasm.

Mental Health

This one really hits home to me, and quite a few others, as I suffer from mental illness, and have for years.

I would really appreciate if the people who don’t have a mental illness, but choose to write about it would do adequate research about the mental illness they have chosen.

I could go on about all the mistakes people have made about many mental illnesses, but I’ll focus on anxiety right now as that’s what I have and is the most common mental illness since it comes in many varieties.

The one that I notice the most is the misrepresentation of Social Anxiety.

In most of the fics I have read that have incorporated Social Anxiety, they always describe it as feeling uncomfortable around strangers, but it is way more than that.

Social Anxiety is:

constantly feeling like everyone in the room is watching you and scrutinizing your every movement

not being able to eat at someone’s house or at a party because your stomach hurts so much that the thought of food makes you want to throw up

wanting to cry when you’re forced to sit close to people you don’t know

being almost 20 years old and not being able to order for yourself at a restaurant

thinking that sitting alone in the car is a better option than having to go inside a place you’ve never been

It is so much more than being uncomfortable around people you don’t know. The feeling I get can’t even be described using the word “uncomfortable”. If you are not actually having anxiety over the situation, it is not anxiety.

Another thing that people don’t research with this is how you get diagnosed. I always see it described as they went to their normal doctor the second they started to have issues, told them they had it, and they automatically get a prescription for medication, and they’re done in 10 minutes. That is not how it happens.

I had been living with anxiety for at least 5 years before ever even going to be formally diagnosed. I didn’t bother with telling my mom I thought I needed more help than just her, who also has anxiety, until after I was tempted to remove the blades from my razor and slit my wrist to where they couldn’t sew it back up.

I had to have suicidal thoughts before realizing “woah I need help”. After that, my mom had to make an appointment at a psychological assessment center, not my regular doctor. That first appointment, it was me, my mom, and a therapist. There was no official diagnosis of that. All it was was the three of us talking, with me and my mom telling her about the struggles I had been having, how long it had been happening, how it gradually got worse, and so on. Then she gave my mom a questionnaire to fill out about what she has observed about me, and gave me one to give to one of my teachers at school to fill out.

A week later, I went back and spent two hours being tested in different ways. They varied from “what do you see when you look at this picture” to testing my memory skills. Two hours. And that wasn’t even the day I was diagnosed.

My mom and I went back a week after that to meet with the therapist, and that’s where she gave me the official diagnosis, the degree it was to, and then discussed treatment options. Then she had to send my regular doctor the results so that she could write a prescription.

It was two more weeks before my doctor got around to it and I was able to start on medication.

It is way more than “oh I’ve been feeling this way”, “okay, here’s some pills to pop”.

If you’re going to write about a mental illness without having it, then at least have the courtesy to research it.

Then comes to the idea that it can be cured and one day they won’t have it anymore. I don’t know how many fics I’ve read where it ends with a completely happy ending in the main character no longer has the mental illness.

That is complete and utter bullshit. Mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and those can’t be fixed easily. There is no “cure”, you just get to the point where you can handle it better. There are people with depression who can go years without and episode, then wake up one day with no motivation to even roll over in bed. My mom has some of the worst social anxiety, yet she’s a hair stylist, meaning she has to constantly be around and talk to people she doesn’t know. She has overcome her illness enough that it doesn’t get in the way of her job, but she’s still on medication and she almost had a panic attack when she had to walk me up on stage for the Senior Walk at my final orchestra concert.

Mental illnesses do not have a cure. You just get better at being able to live without them getting in your way.

There are a few authors and works out there that do a great job of trying to be accurate in the topics they write about, but they are sadly outnumbered by the people who just do not care.

So please, if you read this and want to write a fanfic or regular fic about a topic you’re not to sure about, please do at least a minimal amount of research before rather than bullshitting it like Stephanie Meyer did when she decided to write about vampires.

[serensama]

To Date #1

This HC/series is a MASSIVE SHOUT OUT to everyone here who has helped me reach over 100 followers! I never thought I would get 1 follower let alone 100- so thank you so much. I apologise for the lateness of my thank you but I’m afraid my cheating mini series took much longer than I anticipated!

This is dedicated to the beautiful @zahnbuerste who was one of the very first people to ever converse with me over Tumblr and is just the dearest person- truly nice to the core. Thanks for all your kind words and inspiration and I hope you enjoy these

The RFA & CO try to plan the very best date for MC… and of course… because they’re RFA & CO…. everything goes to hell.

Yoosung:

-       Yes! Ok he has this!

-       He’s been dreaming of and planning this since before he and MC were even going out

-       Like literally when she told him she liked Chinese food best, he started looking up some basic Chinese recipes and had even tried some stuff out which turned out really well.

-       It was going to be the best first date ever

-       He hoped

-       He had spent all week cleaning his apartment and making sure it was nice and comfortable for the both of them (and hiding certain things that would be too embarrassing for MC to find!)

-       (Like his Limited-edition sword statues from LOLOL, embarrassing family photos etc)

-       (and his porn)

-       Yoosung had just finished preparing all the ingredients and laying them out on his modest kitchen bench when there was a knock on the door: 6pm on the dot! MC was punctual!

-       Quickly washing his hands and patting his still damp hands over his face to cool off he allowed himself 5 seconds to compose himself. Taking the clean dish cloth off his shoulder to wipe his face and neck dry, only putting it back on his shoulder (he thought it made him look dapper) when he readjusted his brand-new shirt and slacks.

-       Taking in a deep breath before opening the door, he practised his most charming smile ready to greet his date.

-       He was not prepared.

-       MC with her hair in two low hanging pigtails and a cute green onesie. She was wearing his favourite colour for him. And she looked amazing. Yoosung’s smile swiftly deteriorated to open mouth, wide eyed gaping- much to MC’s amusement.

-       They stood there stupidly smiling at each other for two minutes until MC cleared her throat, “Um… Yoosung… do you think maybe I could come in?”

-       Stupid Yoosung! Stupid! Stupid! Stare at her AFTER she’s inside.

-       Note to self: don’t actually stare and be creepy. Don’t be creepy.

-       Still stares

-       But MC likes it, so it’s ok

-       Shaking himself mentally he asks if she’s thirsty as he’s got some wine…

-       MC shakes her head while she smiles softly at him, raising a plastic bag up to eye level. “As nice as wine is I’ve brought some beer and soda as I prefer them… but please drink your wine if that’s what you like to drink”

-       Note to self: Marry this girl. Make a ring out of the hokkien noodles or something man, do not let this one go.

-       After offering MC the perfectly wrapped spring rolls and wontons he had made for her and watching her enjoy them so much (she moaned when she took a bite of each item and Yoosung pretty much died both times and was miraculously brought back to life) told her he had to keep cooking if they wanted to eat dinner, to which MC asked if he needed help

-       “No you’re my guest tonight MC. Tonight I don’t want you to lift a finger, I just want your company!” he chirped as he led her to the kitchen- his computer chair already in the corner of the kitchen for her to sit on as he cooked.

-       Everything was going so well! They were talking about their day, about their childhood, what their favourite snacks were, how many children they wanted in the future… until…

-       Yoosung slipped on an errant carrot peel on the floor and began to slip

-       Luckily he grabbed the stove to balance himself so he didn’t fall all the way to the ground

-       Unluckily he had actually grabbed the handle of his wok which still had scalding hot oil in it. The oil ran down his hand and the poor boy screamed in pain.

-       He was so embarrassed at his clumsiness and his mistake that he tried to clean up the mess, even though he was sure he was dying and that his hand was falling off.

-       MC rushed to Yoosung’s side forcing him to his feet, “Stop Yoosung, stop! You’re hurt! This can wait until later- we need to get you help!”

-       Rushing to the ER, MC filled out the questionnaire for Yoosung who had taken to pouting and being silent, how could he have been so foolish? This is not how a perfect date should go, let alone a first date!

-       Once they were waiting for a doctor to come by MC noticed the sour look on Yoosung’s face and brushed away his gorgeous golden locks. “Yoosung- apart from your hand… are you ok?”

-       Yoosung bit his lip to try to contain his emotions- with everything that had happened he was just a flurry of emotions and they were all culminating in him being a big cry baby in front of girlfriend and he hated it.

-       “I wanted this evening to be perfect MC, we shouldn’t have ended up in an ER. We should be sipping wine and enjoying a nice home cooked meal and laughing over stupid conversation” he grouched, unable to meet her eye.

-       MC gently turned their head and kept chasing his eye line until he finally succumbed and looked up into her beautiful eyes.

-       “Yoosung, now you listen to me! I don’t care about the “perfect date!” I care about you! We could have sat in a park and fed some ducks, or we could have gone to the moon! It doesn’t matter so long as I’m with you… and right now you need to be in the ER… so I’m going to stay here with you and enjoy the fact that I can be of some comfort to you, OK?”

-       Yoosung’s mouth started to twitch into a smile, a small, bashful smile of a man who knows that his woman truly cares about him.  

-       After the doctor had fixed up his hand and sent him on his way with the strictest of instructions to take it easy and rest up, MC and Yoosung left the ER, hand in hand.

-       Once back at Yoosung’s apartment, MC orders the youngest RFA member to bed-

-       “But MC I need to clean up that mess in the kitchen… and I left all that food out…”

-       “I’m here aren’t I? NOW GET TO BED YOOSUNG KIM!”

-       “Yes ma’am”

-       “Damn straight.”

-       After half an hour of sitting on his bed alone, swearing and cursing at his hand, Yoosung tip toes out to find MC finished with cleaning up the kitchen and on the phone to someone. His little heart beating faster- did she have other plans that he disrupted? OH MY GOD DID SHE HAVE ANOTHER DATE?

-       “…Yes… that’s right… number 12… yup the door to the right of elevator”

-       Why was she telling someone where he lived?

-       WAS HER DATE PICKING HER UP HERE?

-       ANGRY YOOSUNG IS ANGRY

-       “… Mmhmmm that’s great! That’s perfect! I’ll see you soon then, thanks so much!”

-       MC turned around to see her date looking like she just kicked a puppy in front of him and rushed over to his side

-       “Are you ok honey? Are the painkillers already wearing off?” she asked panicked, her hands running up and down the sides of his arms.

-       “No I’m ok” he pouted

-       “Well that’s good then because the food will be here in a jiffy!”

-       …wait… what

-       “Food?” he asked, obviously 100% lost

-       MC nodded happily as she led him back to his bed and sat down on it beside him, “Yup, seeing as we were planning to have Chinese food tonight I thought there was no need to change the plans! So, I ordered some from my favourite restaurant!” she beamed up at him.

-       As they waited for the delivery Yoosung got to thinking about MC-  the kindness in her eyes, the sincerity of her smile and the gentleness of her hands as she tended to him and his home- Yoosung’s heart wanted to explode!

-       This was definitely it, the perfect time to kiss her again…

-       A knock on the door stopped him from leaning in further

-       Way to cock block a man…

-       Paying the delivery man and gathering the food, MC set up the banquet on his bed and called him over. Scooting over so he could sit next to her, he saw that she set up his computer onto an anime streaming website.

-       “Hey Yoosung?”

-       “Yeah?”

-       “Thanks for a great first date”

-       Before he could reject her thanks and start protesting that the next date would be better, MC leaned in and kissed him, making sure not to touch his injured hand.

-       Seeing stars behind his eyes, Yoosung smiled into the kiss and returned it with fervor.

-       Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect date, but it was perfect for them.

-       “Can you please pass the wontons MC?”

-       “Oh no these are mine”

-       “But- but I made you some before… can’t I even have one?”

-       “Nope”

-       “MC!”

-       “You can have half of one!”

-       “Rock paper scissors for it!”

-       “HA! Now you don’t even get half of one!”

-       “But MC!”

-       Yeah… It was perfect for them.

[ouraidengray4]

Is It Adrenal Fatigue or Are You Really Tired?

Do you ever have that super-fun combination of high-level stress and absolutely no energy? Though you might be feeling stressed and tired from the litany of horrors in the news or just a super-obnoxious Facebook feed, there could also be an adrenal imbalance exacerbating your symptoms. That said, your adrenals might not have anything to do with it. Adrenal fatigue has become a hot diagnosis from naturopaths and alternative medicine practitioners, but the traditional medical community is not jumping on the fatigue bandwagon.

Before you start to worry about your hormonal balance, here's everything you need to know about adrenal fatigue, the controversy around the disease, and what to do if you're experiencing symptoms.

What Are the Adrenals?

The adrenal glands are responsible for regulating a number of hormones that affect your metabolism, blood pressure, and immune system response. But the real star of the adrenal show is stress.

Both cortisol and adrenaline are regulated by the adrenal glands. Adrenaline (and its close cousin noradrenaline) gets involved during high-stress times when your body sets off the "fight-or-flight response." You know, that feeling when you see an absolutely horrible tweet and you're not sure if you should spend your day dismantling the troll or go hide under a blanket for a few hours.

For lower-level stress, cortisol takes control. The hormone is raised in stressful situations and causes your heart rate to increase, helps you metabolize sugar more quickly, and generally gets things moving to respond to non-relaxing situations.

EDITOR'S PICK

What Is Adrenal Fatigue?

In 1998, James Wilson, DC, Ph.D., coined the term "adrenal fatigue," which is also called adrenal stress, adrenal exhaustion, hypoadrenalism, or "that thing where you're tired all the time and I think it's stress or something" if you're talking to your mom's friend who saw something about adrenal fatigue in a magazine in the checkout line at Whole Foods.

Adrenal fatigue doesn't mean you have sleepy little glands sitting on top of your kidneys. Some doctors believe it is caused by overworking the adrenal glands. When your body is exposed to long-term stress and your adrenals keep pumping out hormones to cope, eventually they get tired out. The adrenals can't produce enough of the necessary hormones to handle the chronic stress.

Once the glands are fatigued, Wilson says you can experience an array of symptoms, like:

Tiredness

Weight gain/inability to lose weight

Brain fog

Feeling run down or overwhelmed

Craving salty or sweet snacks

Trouble bouncing back from stress

Adrenal fatigue is different from Addison's disease or adrenal insufficiency. For those disorders, the adrenal gland is physically damaged (often from auto-immune issues) and cannot produce the proper hormones. For adrenal fatigue, the adrenals are physically intact, they just aren't working properly.

Basically, it's a medical condition caused by too much stress, and Wilson claims this disease is brought on by all the added stress of the modern world. Though we may have fewer true "fight-or-flight" moments than our ancestors did, we are barraged by low-level stressors at almost all hours of the day. Sure, early humans had to build their own homes out of hard-to-work materials and ward off bear attacks, but they weren't checking their phones at 1 a.m. to make sure their boss wasn't mad at them.

But Is Adrenal Fatigue Real?

In "Adrenal Fatigue Does Not Exist: A Systematic Review," scientists at the Federal University of Sao Paulo say that adrenal fatigue is definitely real. Just kidding! The title pretty much gives it away. When these professionals searched through 3,470 studies on PubMed about adrenal fatigue, they found no substantial proof that it's a real disease. Previous studies that supported adrenal fatigue didn't properly measure the patient's stress hormones, and there were few scientifically sound studies of the disease to begin with.

The Endocrine News stated that most of the symptoms of adrenal fatigue don't match symptoms of adrenal insufficiency, the scientifically proven disease. With insufficiency, you'll see weight loss, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, fatigue, and low blood pressure. With fatigue, people complain of feeling tired, not wanting to get out of bed, craving junk food, and weight gain. Though both disorders make you tired, it doesn't make sense that adrenal insufficiency (caused by physically damaged glands) would produce such different symptoms from an adrenal gland that's just too tuckered out to make enough hormones.

To add fuel to the "adrenal fatigue is a myth" fire, the Endocrine Society does not recognize it as a real disorder, and Google is littered with articles like "Adrenal Fatigue: A Fake Disease" from qualified medical professionals. In short, the medical community thinks adrenal fatigue is completely made up.

If Adrenal Fatigue Is Fake, Why Am I Hearing About It So Much?

When Wilson coined the term "adrenal fatigue," he gave a name to a host of symptoms that plagued many patients. Even today, he still uses this questionnaire as a primary diagnostic tool. Here's some sample questions where you rate each answer on a scale from 0 (never) to 3 (intense or frequent):

My ability to handle stress or pressure has decreased.

My thinking is confused or hurried under pressure.

My muscles sometimes feel weaker than they should.

I often become hungry, confused, shaky, or somewhat paralyzed under stress.

I have difficulty getting up in the morning.

I need coffee or another stimulant to get me up in the morning.

How did you do on the quiz? You probably got quite a few 2s and 3s, right? Of course! Every time I look at the quiz, I think, Oh crap, I probably have this because it presents a lot of symptoms that are incredibly common. To be fair, the full quiz is much longer than this and some of the questions are fairly specific ("I get pain in the muscles on the side of my neck" and "My best, most refreshing sleep comes at 7-9 a.m."). But most of the question are vague and apply to a wide swath of people.

Wilson published his theory of adrenal fatigue with a version of this quiz in his book, Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome. That book was recognized by a few medical societies, though none of them were supported by any official American board of medicine, according to Cedar-Sinai.

Since the symptoms are so common and adrenal fatigue seemed to finally give people an answer to the "Why am I tired all the time, can't lose weight, and feel foggy" question, a lot of people supported (and still support) this diagnosis. "Adrenal fatigue can have debilitating symptoms on the body," says Suzanne Demers, DC, and doctor of functional medicine. "Many people will gain weight and will not be able to get the weight off, and may also feel mild depression or a decrease in their ability to handle stress."

Demers isn't alone, as many naturopaths and doctors of alternative medicine believe in adrenal fatigue. Most will claim that conventional medicine hasn't caught up with their knowledge of the disease (like Dr. Wilson does on his site).

Though the evidence doesn't support adrenal fatigue, it doesn't 100 percent prove that it doesn't exist. In 1981, Barry Marshall, M.D., discovered that most ulcers were caused by a specific bacteria, but the medical community balked at his hypothesis. His ideas didn't start gaining traction until he drank the bacteria, gave himself an ulcer, and solved the whole thing with simple antibiotics. In 2005, he was awarded a Nobel Prize for his scientific breakthrough.

Now, this one story doesn't prove that scientists are always wrong. It simply shows that discoveries can happen that the medical community doesn't automatically agree with. In the case of adrenal fatigue, it's very unlikely that the medical community is incorrect. But naturopaths and people seeking alternative treatments have enough doubt to keep their faith in fatigue.

EDITOR'S PICK

But I Have Adrenal Fatigue Symptoms—What Can I Do?

Here's the thing. Even if adrenal fatigue isn't real, your symptoms are. Feeling tired all the time, moody, cranky, crave-y, stressed, and depressed are all real things, and you shouldn't have to feel that way. With these persistent symptoms, it's best to tell your doctor to try to get a more specific diagnosis. If you've already seen the doctor, or your symptoms are mild and you want to figure it out on your own, there are a few major potential culprits for your adrenal fatigue symptoms.

If It's Not Adrenal Fatigue, What Is It?

Though studies show that stress doesn't wear out your adrenal gland, that doesn't mean that stress doesn't have consequences on your body. A paper from the University of Miami found that chronic stress directly led to high blood pressure and decreased immune response. When stress hormones stayed high, patients recovered more slowly from disease and got sick more easily. The paper also found that symptoms usually associated with getting sick (fatigue, malaise, no appetite) weren't caused by the illness but by the body's attempt to get better. Basically, the stress of fighting a cold is what causes all the crappy feelings, not the actual cold itself.

A study from University College London found a positive link between chronically high cortisol and obesity. This doesn't prove that stress causes weight gain but shows that high-stress hormones may be part of the cause. Even if high cortisol isn't the main cause, stress has a clear impact on weight since most people turn to food or alcohol when they're stress levels get out of hand. If you constantly feel stressed and repeatedly turn to ice cream and nachos to calm you down, weight gain is fairly likely. At the very least, that's exactly what I did a time of great stress, and boy, howdy, did I gain weight! Obviously, not everyone responds to stress with eating, but it certainly happens.

So, stress can cause fatigue, malaise, no appetite, more appetite, high blood pressure, decreased immune response, and weight gain—almost all the symptoms of adrenal fatigue.

If you really don't think stress is the problem, it might be depression. Now, depression sounds very scary and bad, but it's common and treatable. About 16 million Americans have major depressive disorder, while 6.8 million adults have generalized anxiety disorder, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Before you think, no way, I'm definitely not depressed, here are some of the major symptoms (via the ADAA):

Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood

Decreased energy or increased fatigue

Insomnia, waking at odd hours, or oversleeping

Weight gain

Weight loss

Restlessness

Headaches, digestive disorders, and pain that doesn't seem to have any other cause and doesn't respond to treatment

Sounds a lot like the adrenal fatigue symptoms, huh? Depression isn't just feeling sad, it can also manifest in complex physical and emotional ways. Using myself as an example, I had horrible pains in my stomach that no one could figure out (even after $4,000 worth of testing. Thanks, crappy insurance!) But when I finally got help for my full-out major depressive disorder, those pains went away.

Now, hearing "it's just stress or maybe depression" might not be very comforting. But there's a lot you can do to fight the symptoms of general stress, even without seeing a doctor. However, if you think it might be depression, it's definitely worth seeing a mental health professional for a full diagnosis and options for treatment.

Alternatively, you may have hypothalamic-pituitary axis dysfunction (try saying that five times fast). Either way, you should get checked out—if you've been experiencing a lot of the symptoms associated with adrenal fatigue, your doctor is almost certainly going to want you to get a full workup for fatigue in general.

How to Feel Better

Many of the suggestions of how to combat adrenal fatigue are also helpful for stress or mild mood disorders. They aren't always easy, but the suggested dietary and lifestyle changes could ease your symptoms.

Sleep

The most important thing to do for your symptoms is to reduce stress, and one good way to do that is to get more sleep. Have you ever started crying over something because you were just too tired to deal? I have! By simply getting enough sleep, you can immediately relieve some of the symptoms associated with adrenal fatigue.

"Stay on a regular sleep schedule of 8-10 hours per night," Demers says. This will increase mental clarity, improve your mood, and make it easier to deal with stressful situations. Getting 8-10 (10!) a night is easier said than done, especially if you have kids. Demers recommends going to bed at the same time every night and getting in some activity (even walking) during the day. The combo of routine and moving your body will help you relax at night and get to Snooze Town a little faster.

Change Your Diet

Since inflammation is one of the main causes of internal stress, it's best to cut out inflammatory foods and add in healthy fats and natural anti-inflammatory ingredients.

Foods you should eat more of tend to contain high levels of omega-3 fatty acids, which help reduce inflammation. Omega-3s are vital to fighting the symptoms of adrenal fatigue, according to Barry Sears, Ph.D., founder of the Inflammation Research Foundation and author of The Zone Diet. He recommends taking fish oil supplements to get a high, concentrated dose of omega-3s. "When you increase the intake of omega-3 fatty acids, you reduce the production of pro-inflammatory hormones (eicosanoids)," Sears says. This helps counteract the effects of chronic stress on the body. As inflammation recedes, people usually feel more energetic and experience weight loss.

This dietary approach does not work overnight, but you should see some change in symptoms after 4-6 weeks. If, after a few months, this dietary change does nothing but make you angry about all the coffee you can't drink, it might be time to see a doctor and reevaluate your symptoms.

Just Straight Up Lower Your Stress

The top way to fight the symptoms of adrenal fatigue is to lower your stress. Easy, right? Nothing's more soothing than someone telling you, "Relax! Relax right now, or your health will suffer forever!"

You can't expect stress to disappear immediately, but you can find ways to relax. First, to continue to overcome your stressors, you have to identify them. Take a few minutes to list out everything that causes you stress. It doesn't matter if it's a huge thing like debt or something small like a cubicle mate who plays games on their phone with the volume turned up—write it down. Then, see if there are any stressors you can get rid of. Sure, you can't magically erase major stressors, but taking away some of the small things can make a big difference.

"Most importantly, schedule time for yourself each week or every other week," Demers says. Take at least two hours a week to spend totally alone, doing whatever you want. No thinking about work or planning your trip to the grocery store. Instead, use those two hours to quietly read, get a massage, or go sit in the park. Honestly, you could stare at a wall or binge Real Housewives—just do anything that feels soothing to you. And no matter how busy you are, put this "me time" in the calendar and stick to it.

I Still Think It Might Be an Adrenal Problem

If you're concerned that you may have Addison's disease or adrenal insufficiency, it's best to get ACTH stimulation blood tests. You give a little blood, then get a shot of adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), and give blood again. Essentially, this shows how your body reacts to the cue to give cortisol. This test won't confirm adrenal fatigue but will help diagnose even more serious adrenal disorders.

If you or a doctor still believe it might be adrenal fatigue, you can ask for a saliva test. The cortisol/DHEAS saliva test measures the stress hormones in your spit and how they change throughout the day. If your results show low adrenal function, you can talk to your doctor (or make some of the dietary and lifestyle changes suggested in this very article). Now, this test is not recognized as a proper test for cortisol levels and was shown to be faulty in 61 percent of patients, according to the Harvard Health Blog. But if you're curious about your hormone levels throughout the day, this test could give you some insight into what's going on in your body.

Adrenal fatigue may or may not be real, but that doesn't mean your symptoms are "made up" or "all in your head." More likely, general stress is the cause, and it's screwing with your body in a variety of ways. If your symptoms are severe, please see a doctor and a mental health professional; and in the meantime, you can take note of your symptoms or try some of the dietary changes and see if they make a difference. But most of all, try to reduce your stress. No matter the official diagnosis, added relaxation is medicine we all should be taking.

Amber Petty is an L.A.-based writer and a regular contributor to Greatist. Follow along as she shares her weight-loss journey in her new bi-monthly column, Slim Chance. Take singing lessons from her via Sing a Different Tune and follow her on Instagram @ambernpetty.

from Greatist RSS http://bit.ly/2TYGlRl Is It Adrenal Fatigue or Are You Really Tired? Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ http://bit.ly/2U34XIV

[businessthreesixfive-blog]

Inspirational Entrepreneur: Mila McManus, MD .

When Dr. Mila McManus became a medical physician, she assumed she would discover how to treat the many persistent conditions that had pestered her given that youth. Rather, by the end of her residency, she discovered herself on 12 prescription drugs and feeling worse than ever. When she found functional medicine, she discovered real assistance for herself and for her clients. Now, Mila runs The Woodlands Institute for Health & & Health, where she empowers her clients with education and functional, holistic therapy for improving their health. Her interview influences us to concentrate on our existing clients, clients, and database to help support our referral systems.

What inspired you to end up being a holistic business owner?

I was really sickly my entire life and thought I would find out how to treat my disorders (chronic allergies, eczema, constipation, tiredness, sleeping disorders, anxiety, anxiety, acne, PMS, headaches, brain fog and being obese, to name a few) by becoming a doctor. Young boy was I wrong. I only learned how to band-aid more signs with more prescription drugs. By the time I ended up residency, I was on at least 12 prescription medications and had actually never ever felt even worse, or weighed more, in my life! And when I remained in my first year of personal practice, I saw a troubling trend in the variety of clients presenting with comparable grievances and realized I had absolutely nothing to use however to prescribe medications to band-aid their ailments. This is when I discovered functional medicine, and my health and future were forever altered. It is definitely terrible how damaged our standard medical system is today. In all my years leading up to finding holistic medicine, not one time did any medical professional, instructor, or coworker suggest that fast food, Cheetos, and canned tuna might be the root of my issues.

Tell us about your organisation.

The Woodlands Institute for Health & & Health is a location of recovery and learning. I desire to make certain my clients are educated about their health, as well as nutrition and what it requires to accomplish and preserve optimal health. While we do provide bio-identical hormone treatment and supplements, we lean heavily on attention to gut health and every aspect of nutrition. My nutritional expert on staff and I are licensed SPACES practitioners. Our healthcare suppliers specialize in adrenal and thyroid dysfunction and deal with males, women, and children for practically every sign and condition one can picture. Among our most recent technologies is ONDAMED, a PEMF gadget that has been an extraordinary benefit to our patients.

How would you describe your present organisation model?

I have 2 PAs who deal with me and all of us see all patients. I see our new clients for initial visit the majority of the time. A brand-new client invests about 3 hours at our office for the preliminary assessment. Prior to the appointment, the patient completes a 17-page medical history questionnaire electronically which I evaluate prior to the appointment. Labs are bought, the level of which depends upon the program the individual selected and the symptoms she or he has. Patients are followed carefully by medical personnel throughout the first 6 weeks while they are going through a 4-week clean, learning how to eat healthfully, beginning a regimen of vitamins and supplements and, if relevant, bio-identical hormones. We likewise offer virtual consultations after the preliminary go to. We do not currently offer a subscription type of program, however it's being thought about. We do not contract with insurance business, as it's impossible to achieve what we require to do with, and for, our clients with our hands connected by insurance coverage agreements.

Can you share any methods you've discovered to be especially effective for growing your customer base?

Our best advertising is word of mouth, without a doubt. We've utilized simply about every technique you can think about for marketing, such as pay-per-click ads, facebook advertisements, facebook page with posts, website material, print ads, commercials, and so on. When we recognized that direct referrals were really driving our growth, we redirected some marketing funds towards more opportunities to enhance client service and experience with more chances to communicate with our database.

What are some of the most significant difficulties you have faced in running your business?

Where do I begin? Time management has been very challenging. I never ever recognized entering that I would invest half my time on the organisation side and half my time on client care. If I had actually known this ahead of time, I would have gotten an MBA to opt for my MD prior to opening a solo practice.

How have you get rid of those challenges?

It's a constant work in progress. I'm not the very best delegator, however improving at it. I have actually likewise learned to block my schedule far beforehand to have a day off here or there, and plan my conferences early so I can block my schedule prior to it's complete.

What were a few of the first mistakes you made that you would tell a brand-new holistic entrepreneur to avoid?

I have actually worked with people quickly for many years out of desperation. I've found out the tough way that it is crucial to completely talk to prospects, have them meet other employee, do thorough background checks, and screen them with personality tests. Hiring the incorrect individuals will cost a lot in the long run since of time spent dealing with drama in the workplace.

What has been the very best piece of suggestions you've received as an entrepreneur?

Being told to do what I want and what I think is right, and not fret about detractors informing me that it can't be done or that I would be ill-advised to leave my household medication practice and insurance contracts behind.

What is your early morning regimen?

I wake up very early, typically 4:30 am, make a cup of coffee, sometimes bullet evidence, and take a handful of turmeric capsules. I get positioned in my comfy chair with my laptop and lap desk, and get to work. This consists of reacting to many e-mails, checking out essential short articles, reviewing charts for the clients I'll be seeing for the day, dealing with monthly newsletter, and great deals of back and forth with my practice administrator about whatever from HR issues to marketing and financials. At 6:30, my other half and I choose our early morning walk/jog session. Upon our return, it's time to shower and dress for work. I listen to academic podcasts throughout this time, and take a 10-15 min break someplace in there to read. Then I head to work and typically show up 8:30 -9.

What is your preferred indulgence?

A number of squares of 78% dark chocolate with some blended nuts and fresh berries, and a glass of cabernet.

Most exotic thing you've ever eaten?

Oh boy, I want I had an amazing answer. Snake gourds!

Many remarkable place you've ever checked out?

I can select only one? The Greenbriar in West Virginia

Last book you read?

Why isn't my Brain Working? By Dr Kharrazian. Terrific book! I advise it to all of my clients.

If you might only have one type of food for the rest of your life, it would be ...

If health is unimportant, perhaps pork-- ribs, bacon, carnitas. If you're asking what type of food in the functional medication healthy world, then avocados.

What is your go-to breakfast?

2 poached eggs with sautéed spinach or baked asparagus. If you would like to know what I want I were consuming for breakfast every day, it would probably be a honey bun with bacon. hahaha

What do you love most about being a business owner?

[invisiblenotbroken]

A Bear, A Zombie Leg, Food Allergy, Morton's Neuroma, and Living the Spoonie Life

Meet my new co-host Kyros. He was one of the first friends I made when we moved. He and his husbands are the most loving and kind men you could ever hope to call friends. If you ever see Kyros you would know why he would be someone you would think to ask for help moving furniture before you would think to offer him a seat. After talking with Kyros about his food allergy which I had no idea how seriously and how long it could affect him and about his trouble with walking I will be doing things differently when he comes over. I will NOT make dry meringues. Here is a shameless plug for his book. I hope you enjoy your time with my friend. Until next week Be kind. Be gentle. Be a badass. 

Links From The Podcast

Morton's neuroma

Arthritis

Dairy Allergy

Spoon Theory

Elimination Diet

Uber

Lyft

Task Rabbit

Kyros Invisible Illness Questionnaire  

Name: Kyros Starr

Age: 48

Disorder: Arthritis, Morton’s Neuroma, Dairy Allergy, Peripheral Neuropathy

Age disorder became a daily issue: A: 45, MN: 33, DA: 40, PN: 47

 Who were you before your illness became debilitating?

I loved taking the dogs to the park, riding my bike everywhere. I worked 10 hours a day as a cable technician on my feet the whole time.

 Is there anything you would do if you were not sick?

Ride my bike more, walk to the grocery store (It’s only 5 blocks away)

 What should other people know about our daily life?

I’m in near-constant pain. A good day is about a 2/10, an average day is about 5/10. A bad day is 9/10.

 What would make living and moving in the world easier for you?

Even sidewalks/pavement. Uneven ground makes my feet hurt more. Also, something other than concrete everywhere. Standing / walking on concrete is the worst. I can walk on grass / softer surfaces (even though they are uneven) for hours but I can only stand on concrete for about half an hour before I am in ever-increasing pain.

 Life hacks?

Walk stools are your friend. You can wear it like a backpack then sling it off and have someplace to sit in a just two minutes. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0015A8DVM/

 Support from family or friends?

My partners are great, but they don’t always understand why I say I can’t do something. “You did it just fine yesterday,” is a common phrase. They finally started understanding better when I explained the concept of “spoons” to them. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

 Do you find that people do not believe you are sick because of your appearance?  

All the time. Especially the Dairy Allergy part. I have people tell me all the time that “Oh, I’m lactose-intolerant too. But I go ahead and have ice cream whenever I want. I just deal with the consequences.” I’m usually like, “If I did that, I would be running to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea in about 30 minutes and would have exceedingly painful stomach cramps and gas for the next 3-4 days.”

 How has this affected you positive or negative?

It’s caused me no amount of trouble when I eat out. I have waiters/cooks who don’t take me seriously or treat it like I’m just making it up. I once ordered a hamburger and they brought me a cheeseburger. I told them I couldn’t eat it. The waiter initially argued that I got the cheese for free because they only charged me for a hamburger. I reiterated that I couldn’t eat it. The waiter took it back and came back a few minutes later with the same burger with the cheese scraped off. I told them that if I ate that, I would still get sick. The waiter and the cook were both pissed at me, even though I told them upfront that I had a dairy allergy.

 How has this affected your relationships?

My previous relationship refused to believe that I had anything wrong. I should just “tough” it out because everyone has things that hurt.

 Any questions to add to this list?

Why do you think people don’t believe you when you say you have a disability?

What is the single greatest challenge you face on a daily basis?

How do you tell people that you have an invisible disability? Do you tell people?

Animals in the wild try to hide their disabilities because they will be preyed upon by other animals. Do you think that, on some level, that is why people with invisible disabilities try to hide their problems even from loved ones?

 What are you afraid to tell even the people closest to you?

That I usually burn through my daily allotment of spoons right before or during cooking dinner, but I feel I have to push through anyway because the family is depending on me to take care of things. The fact that I usually end up cleaning up dinner and doing other things around the house afterward means I am frequently beyond exhausted by the time I go to bed.  

Does the fact that your disease is invisible change how healthcare professionals treat you?

Definitely. I have had to do my own research into what’s wrong with me on more than one instance. It was only because I pushed that I got the test/treatment I needed. For example, I found out about and performed the elimination diet to find out what was making me sick (dairy), not my doctor.

 Best coping mechanism?

I do the shopping. That way I can ensure that I read the labels and not accidentally get something that contains hidden dairy. As far as my feet and arthritis problems, I’m lucky enough that we can afford for me to get weekly massages that help with the pain.

 Favorite swear word?

Fuck! Or Motherfucker.

 What are you the most fearful of and what are you the most hopeful for in the future?

I’m fearful that my condition will continue to deteriorate to the point where I cannot walk at all without assistance. This would make life very difficult as my house has lots of stairs and I would not be able to take care of my family like I do now. I also would no longer feel like I was contributing to my family.

 I’m hopeful that, with advances in medicine, something can be done about my various problems so that I can go back to having an active life where I don’t have to think about ‘how far can I realistically go / walk’ or that I can go out to eat without having a near panic attack worrying that there will be hidden dairy in my food that will make the next several days hell.

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