#my doctor thinks i'm making up that i can't do any physical activity anymore

[caterjunes]

it's just like. you have to wash clothes if they're uncomfortable too. (you don't have the energy/executive function/knowledge to find clothes that feel good on you. you're a 6'2" trans woman and you've gained 20+ lbs in the last 6 months and you don't even know where to start looking.)

you have to wash dishes even if you just had boxed mac 'n' cheese or takeout or scrambled eggs or cereal & milk off of them. (you don't have the energy/executive function to cook or plan meals that are more complicated than this. every time you try you end up in tears or out of breath or sweating or shaking with fatigue. the last time you tried to cook anything more complicated/lengthy than scrambled eggs you had to tag out halfway through and lie down on the couch for half an hour.)

[cottoncandyopinions]

If this is such a free fucking country, why the fuck can't we apply informed consent to more things? Why the fuck do I have to beg a doctor and convince him I'm not insane just to get a medication that has a chance at helping me?

Like. I have PCOS. Spironolactone is prescribed for PCOS symptoms caused by androgens, like hair loss, hirsutism, and acne. I have PCOS and I have those symptoms. So why the fuck do I have to debate my doctor into offering it because "Oh but have you tried to lose weight? Here's nutrition guidelines, ask me again in a few months."

Like yeah. Medications have fucking risks. The estrogen in my fucking birth control puts me at a higher risk of stroke and raises my blood pressure, but going on the med that can balance my hormones and lower my blood pressure? Oooooh we gotta think about that.

And what about diagnostic shit too! Not even just medicines! Like yeah I get that you can't give an exploratory major surgery every time someone fucking asks, but why the hell can't I just walk up and just ask for an MRI scan? Or an x-ray? Fucking ultrasound? We gotta have daddy doctor's permission just to CHECK?

And what about fucking CPAP machines? My partner has sleep apnea and it's horrific to learn. You basically have to pay out of pocket for the fucking things even with insurance, but YOU HAVE TO GET A PRESCRIPTION. Okay listen. No one is going to be fucking harmed if they use a machine to help them breathe better at night, even if they don't need it like what the fuck is it gonna do that's a problem?

The claim there is "Oh but you want to be sure you get the right one because some people need extra features" and all I can think is like. Is it BETTER for someone with sleep apnea to have NOTHING AT ALL? That's like denying someone a basic rescue inhaler when there's a formulation that works better, like maybe it's best they DON'T choke.

I just. Idk. I'm not anti medical or anti science. I'm just fucking chronically ill and tired, and there's no help out there. I'm tired of having to deal with doctors making decisions that involve leaving me to suffer when I can't do anything about it.

Like. The main barrier to treatment for my longest term condition is a fucking diagnostic test. I have a muscle condition that makes it impossible for me as is, and physical therapy confirmed it was likely worsened by the pain and inflammation, and the muscle work alone wouldn't fix it.

And they could accommodate me. I've met so many people shocked that they won't, because they were accommodated. A muscle relaxer, a xanax, topical numbing, laughing gas, even putting me under are all options that others in my position have been offered. And I get denied any of those options because "it's not standard" and "you need to suck it up" over involuntary muscle spasms...

I don't care about fucking risks anymore, because is it really any less of a risk to live in pain, feel my body weaken from fatigue and dysfunction, all while there's something in my body actively causing harm to me and I have no way of even knowing how far it's spread, how serious it is, if it's harming my internal organs, anything...

Why the fuck can't I just sign a form saying I understand all the risks and then just ask for what I fucking need? I don't want to sound like I have a big head, but I've never been wrong about this shit. Every fucking issue or problem I spent years trying to convince doctors to listen and look into my concerns, and consistently when they eventually finally do, I turn out to be right. I hate it.

[ina-nis]

I'm so frustrated about people bringing up disability and chronic illnesses (physical and mental) every time something with "putting on the work to maintain a relationship (of any kind)" is talked about.

Yes, having a disability, a chronic illness will take a toll on your relationships. Yes, it can be very burdensome. Yes, you might not be able to "give" as much as you "take". Yes, other people should be understanding of your limitations and accommodate you, too. Yes, there's a risk of the relationship becoming one-sided and ending.

It's nobody's fault, really.

It's something I don't think you can really win.

I am not, personally, looking into becoming a caregiver, I can't fix other people's lives and problems for them without jeopardizing my own life. No matter how much I try to be understanding and accommodating, these kinds of dynamics always end up draining the fuck out of me - and I'm disabled with chronic mental and physical health issues myself - it makes me feel really guilty as well, because I want to be able to do more, but I can't...

While so many do the bare minimum, or not even that. What the fuck, right?

I feel like people who do that, who talk about their disabilities, have all the right to do so and it's an understandable frustration too (I know because that's my lived experience as well), and at the same time, it doesn't address the imbalance in those connections.

Even if you're with the most kind and selfless person, who thrives on "giving," let enough time pass, let enough unmet needs accumulate, let enough room for resentment to build up and it will, even if it takes long... No relationship can survive one-sidedly. No relationship can be healthy and harmonious when someone is doing most the work, most the time. If we're taking about professional relationships - like what I mentioned, a caregiver - it's one thing, another thing is relationships where stand eye-to-eye.

I'm frustrated I spent so many years being a "helper," trying to support people when I was not being supported in the ways I needed to. It's different than a doctor or therapist, this is why these professional relationships are never a good substitute for the "real thing."

I'm frustrated I ran myself ragged trying to salvage connections all on my own, while the other parts sit there passively, or unable to do anything because of their own limitations.

It never ends well, and as someone who's been on the active side, it won't leave you unscathed either. I carry the pain and scars everywhere with me, I have tended for other people's but I've yet to experience someone other than a professional or myself tending for mine.

So now, I don't do that anymore, and that makes connecting with people even more difficult than before! What an incredible lonesome predicament, huh?

In a way that's meaningful to you... To never be the receptacle of the attention and care you always strived to provide, to always give so much because you know what lack feels like and realizing that can't sustain you, to have your meets go unmet indefinitely because bringing them up will destroy your connections...

... And there's the irony of these connections destroying themselves, because it's not sustainable to go on alone.

You might as well go be actually alone and stop wasting your energy and time with people who can meet your "impossibly" "high standards" and "high" expectations of things you consider the bare minimum and can provide yourself.

Unfortunately, that's most people, from what I've noticed.

[your-queer-dad]

(Vent sorry, not about queerness I just have nowhere else to say this where I'll get any sort of response)

Ive been having to deal with so much stuff lately. Like I was fine when I was in the midst of severe depression cause I didn't think I'd live very long anyways but now I need to come to terms with everything I've been ignoring for at least a year and at most my whole life. Like I'm AuDHD in a decently ableist family (middle/working class white cishet moderate leftists who think they're very progressive, you know the type) and I've had absolutely shit experiences with the people who should be helping me with that stuff (my old therapist was actively uneducated and ableist, my psychiatrist was a white cishet man in his 60s or 70s and I had to teach him what masking is and how adhd and autism present in AFAB people) which makes that really difficult in general because all my friends know I have AuDHD but I can't officially come out and say that I do because my family will deny it and tell me I'm being attention seeking and looking for excuses for being lazy and a flawed person. I also don't physically look the way I've been convincing myself I look naturally for a long time (yay anorexia recovery) and it's just messing me up a lot because when I look at my reflection I just feel visceral disgust. I'm still on the lower end of a healthy weight, but I can only see a few of my ribs now and my stomach isn't flat anymore. Everyone else says they can't notice but I feel like I've lost everything that made me good, and I'm scared that gaining weight is going to stop me from passing. I hate being with my parents and I just feel like I'm a horrible person for that, I only got hit once and other than that they're just toxic and sort of manipulative/emotionally abusive. They try their best they just can't raise me right and I feel like shit for that. I wish I could be spending more time outside, but I had a medical emergency thing on Tuesday (my mom doesn't let me call it a seizure because we don't know for sure) and I'm scared that that's going to happen again, and my constant joint pain has just gotten worse. My friends are telling me that I need to talk to a doctor about this, but the wait time for rheumatology is insane and my parents thing I'm making it up/exaggerating/looking for attention and even if they believe me they don't think it's important and worth getting help for. I'm scared that I'm going to die, last time it happened my entire body went numb and stiff and I couldn't move and I was just twitching for like 15 minutes. I also completely lost my vision before this happened, and it was greyscale/coming back slowly for the entire thing, plus I could barely hear anything. If that happens again I genuinely think that I might die. I also have scars all over my legs and chest and I have to either hide them or find some sort of explanation for them that won't make the people I work with during the summer think I'm not suited for working with kids (summer camp counseling). I spent all of last year thinking I was never going to turn 15 and now I kind of wish I hadn't.

I want to live but it's all so overwhelming and if I falter or let my parents see that I'm scared, they'll force me into the role of a small child and start treating me like a toddler or an animal like they always do. I just don't know what to do and I know it's horrible and selfish and disgusting but I just wish my mom would die. I can't live like this, it's only 3 more years but I'm just so scared. She keeps threatening me and saying I won't get into college or I'm failing high school because of how long I was out of school due to psych ward stuff even though she knows that not getting into college is my main fear- if that happens, I can't keep going. I know that I'm going to kill myself if I can't get into college. After that I'm still going to need to pay off student loans and I might not have my best friend with me (if I have him ill be okay and he says that he promises he'll try to live with me in college) and I just can't deal with that. I need to catch up on school and I need to learn to drive and then I need to get ready for my job in the summer and I need to make sure my grades are good enough for colleges to want me and I need to get people to like me and I just can't do it. I don't want to die but I feel like it's the only answer, I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm not supposed to be alive. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Sorry about the rant you don't need to answer at all I know this is a lot

-🔆

Hey kiddo. Please please don't apologise for reaching out, I'm here for you and I'm always here for you, night and day my inbox and DMs are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

God, it sounds like you've had a rough deal. I understand where you're coming from. With parents, it's so hard when they don't do what they're supposed to do as parents and they don't understand you or believe you when you ask for help. It's awful and I am so sorry.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, as well as all that pressure around you. As scary as the future is, it isn't going to creep up on you one day. It's tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and every single day after that. You have time to breathe and rest and do whatever you need to do. You can't do everything at once, you're only human- and expecting yourself to do everything at once only caused burn out and stress.

Also, as a person who's gone through eating disorder recovery- weight doesn't stop you from passing. I promise you it doesn't. It's a good thing! It's a sign that all the work you've done recovering has paid off. I'm proud of you.

Keep your head up kiddo, I'm so so proud of you. Remember to take care of yourself, let yourself breathe and don't expect yourself to do everything all at once. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Love you,

- dad x

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

For me the problem is I learned to unconsciously ignore pain, not because I internalized that they were correct, but because I internalized that nothing could or would be done about it [some combo of it's a common thing people experience and also I can't trust them or their judgement, because even if it's a common issue and I am sensitive idk I don't think people should just accept being left to suffer because it's common? Like very much a combination of I cannot ignore the pain but I have to shut up and take it anyway and this is wrong but I am powerless and I don't want what is on the other side of misbehaving]. Point being it doesn't require internalizing anything emotionally, or about your value or function, to just become desensitized to discomfort enough to not notice there hasn't been blood in your foot for 20 minutes or that your shoulder is probably really swollen or that your bladder is about to tear.

It also didn't help that my step mother would really actively punish me for any reaction to pain or discomfort at all. If I cried she said it was a manipulation, and I got grounded once because I winced and pulled away the second before something actually landed on my foot...

So now not only do I not notice discomfort until it is really extreme, but I still haven't figured out how to tell doctors or friends that something is really distressing or really hurting/harming me in a way they'll take seriously, there's this attitude of "well if it was REALLY a problem I could expect -this- reaction" When I have explained to them multiple times that I no longer have the physiological capacity for that reaction. If I do get upset or angry, it seems so out of place for me that they jump straight to me exaggerating, being dramatic, or not being rational about it anymore.

Calmly explaining that something hurts or why and that you need it to stop isn't taken with any weight, and actual crying or raising my tone is treated like I am throwing some kind of adult temper tantrum that shouldn't be dignified with a response, so that leaves me with what? "trying to casually play-act out my emotions in a way they can recognize on a regular basis"?, and uh... No. It would seem so forced and fake and would even feel to me like a manipulation even if I was only trying to communicate the truth. I would develop impostor syndrome about my own feelings and pain so fast. Also it just wouldn't be convincing, and it would be used as evidence there was something deeply wrong with me or that i -was- being manipulative after all.

The two modes I have are "stoically ignore the pain, and explain yourself calmly, so you don't get punished [or so crying doesn't make the inside of your face swell in a way that seems medically significant]" and "pushed to complete meltdown" [where I have to yell or I can't force words out past the tension clamping my throat shut, this doesn't fly as an adult of even 5'8"] there is no in between. But there's also no internalized emotional or psychological aspect to it that I 'still believe' that can be addressed. I knew what was wrong with the situation on some level while this was being done to me, and my expectations of people's behaviour aligns with their actual behaviour, at this point the problem is a physiological one that I don't think any amount of therapy can treat. My nervous system has really delayed responses to things now so I can't 'read my body' in the moment, because I'm not going to cry, or blush, or have a physiological reaction over it until I am safe and alone. Very occasionally I'll feel the inside of my chest start shaking and I'll know that later I'm in for having some kind of complete meltdown the moment I am in private, but I cannot physically make it happen in the moment, even if bursting out in tears would actually have the other person realize what they are doing.

Even when I explain this to people and explain the subtle signs of me being in that kind of distress, they just ignore it every time and plow ahead anyway, they'll even admit later it's because they felt like it and knew they had plausible deniability, in some cases. Even if I explain to avoid certain subjects because I know I won't be able to tell how they are impacting me until I am alone later, they just don't take it seriously. Even the people you really expect would, because outwardly I seem convincingly fine.

All I can do is train myself into checking in on my physical+ state periodically, consciously, and addressing what I can, when I can. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix the whole "doesn't emote discomfort properly" problem. It was conditioned into me while my body was developing and now it seems to be how I am hardwired in a way that changing or validating beliefs and core attitudes just hasn't impacted.

So much of my childhood and teen-hood was 'You are wrong and this is wrong and you are being terrible, but I have no power in this situation regardless' and foot dragging obedience and biding my time till I could get out. But that still did this to me. The fact that other people cannot read my emotional reactions, and so assume I have none, is an ongoing punishment for not making faces properly. The fact that I have chronic pain problems and multiple disorders to manage is *not* helped by being slow to notice when there is a *problem* and this problem was not helped by years spent holding a job and having to pretend to be normal.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Skin and physical and mental goals update

My skin is a lot better now. It's by no means perfect, but my skin previously was completely dry, red, irritated, itchy, and oozing and bleeding. I'll take what I have now over that. My tacrolimus ointment helps and it's not cold and dry here anymore, which is another bonus. Since March I have not had any flareups that resulted in my using a towel or carpet or piece of fabric to itch which resulted in an oozy and bloody and painful mess. I do get itchiness, but I can manage it by ignoring it or, if it's a stronger itch, running hot water on my hands and rubbing til the itchiness is gone. It's not a good habit, but it's a lot better than physically itching and causing severe skin inflammation and open, bloody, and oozy skin. But don't do this if you don't have eczema.

I'll be honest I haven't actively seen doctors growing up. I've only done blood work twice in my 20s and they were generic blood panels (blood cell, lipid, thyroid, blood sugar, etc...). Everything is within range for me, thankfully, except I have eosinophilia. There is definitely a link between eczema and eosinophilia, which is why I am going to do more blood work to test for my histamine and immunoglobulin levels. I'm going to do that tomorrow and I can't wait (I don't think I've ever gotten excited over blood work and no one normally does, but this will truly help me find the missing puzzle pieces to my chronic eczema problem).

I've also ran out of flaxseed oil and want to switch to fish oil, since the omega 3 fatty acids (EPA and DHA) found in fish are more bioavailable, whereas the body needs to convert the fatty acids found in flaxseed oil (ALA) and it's not always 100% successful (based on what I've read). I bought a bottle of the super omega 3 fish oil from Whole Foods, and I'll start taking it after I do my blood work since I don't want to start a new supplement beforehand.

I'm still waiting on my skin culture and gut evaluation results. Once I have everything my doctor and I will be able to figure out what's really causing my eczema and how I can work towards fixing those issues and having longterm healthy skin. I want to be healthy, I don't want to rely on medication that only temporarily gets rid of symptoms. I'm young and healthy and fail to see the need to become heavily dependent on pharmaceuticals unless absolutely necessary (like antibiotics and antihistamines which I always have with me). I can easily apply steroids or calcineurin inhibitors on my skin and it will heal, but the inflammation will absolutely come back after a bit. It's not a longterm solution at all. But it will help me until I make the more drastic changes after I get my lab results.

I bought a nail strengthener yesterday. It's the Essie hard to resist pink glow shade. Like I said my nails are already strong and healthy, but I did get a topical strengthener to give it a boost. I had a nail break Friday morning and another one kind of break yesterday, but not as bad and I was able to file and shape it. But it's a very pretty color and my nails look nice. As I said because I have wider nail beds, I'm trying to get them into an oval shape because oval nails look pretty and feminine. Because of the width I'll actually have to grow my nails out longer so they appear more oval, otherwise they would be round. So far I've been able to grow my nails out, I just need to find out how to shape them. I also want to stop buffing and cutting my cuticles and I would rather push them back instead (I found a nail tech channel on Youtube and she advises against buffing and cuticle cutting). I also want to figure out how to shape oval nails. I kind of know how to but it's not perfect. With that being said I feel like I can learn how to do nail stuff myself without having to go to a salon and spend a lot of money. On the same topic of physical goals, I'm still waiting on my eyebrows to grow out and I've lost weight through intermittent fasting and I can see it on my stomach and legs. I want to work on reducing my body dysmorphia (which was very bad last year and even the year before and is thankfully better now) so I can buy nice clothes. I do not have good clothing style, but that can always be a goal to work towards. My mom and sister can help me.

Regarding emotional well-being, I'm journaling as always and I'm going to therapy. My therapist wants me to do somatic exercises. I'm not someone who can sit and relax for 10 minutes because I'm antsy and my mind is always racing. This does contribute to stress and anxiety, and I definitely deal with those. I want to learn how to practice mindfulness and relaxation, even doing stretching and working on my posture (I do a lot of walking as exercise, stretching is also something that can help and I can benefit from). Even getting professional massages can help, since I do have muscle tension and it will give me an opportunity to relax. I want to also start reading, which also requires me to ignore my personal life issues and to relax and be at ease. It's embarrassing to admit that despite the fact that I love learning and educating myself, I don't like reading. And reading is something I should be doing. I just need to work on relaxation and clearing my mind, and thankfully my therapist is helping me with that.

Everything will work out. I can't wait to do blood work and to continue mindfulness.

[bbyheedeungie]

Fluttering Machinery | Robot! Sunghoon AU

Genre: Fluff, mild angst

Pairings: Robot! Sunghoon x Reader

Warnings: Character death, little suggestive content

Synopsis: Sunghoon was a humanoid built by your father, with the sole purpose of taking care of you once he passes away. But it seems like taking care of you came with discovering emotions that wasn't necessary for cooking, cleaning, and keeping you safe. What is this warm fuzzy feeling that resonates deep inside Sunghoon's mechanism?

It's been months. 6 dreadful months since your father has passed away. The doctors have warned you that he didn't have much time left, but that didn't make the goodbyes hurt any less.

You were 4 years old when your mom left you and your father for another guy. A more successful guy. Your father was bright, with an insatiable hunger for discovery and invention. But his field of work didn't always bring food to the table. And so on most days you had to, well, compromise.

But you loved your father so much, and still do. Although you didn't grow up to be a scientist like him, you knew the basics on automation and robotics. You were 11 years old when you first saw it, the humanoid that he worked on for years came to life before your own very eyes.

He had no skin nor face that made him look human yet. Just a chunk of metal with a head, arms and legs that moved mechanically. Nevertheless, you will never forget the joy and pride in your fathers' face as he watched his creation. The humanoid was a work in progress and you knew one day he's going to change the world. Unbeknownst to you, he was going to change your world.

And now here you are, years into the present as you stood infront of the humanoid who had his eyes shut. Yep, he's a he now. He is Humanoid SH-1282. Your father made him for the purpose of serving the community, to help people. But when he discovered his illness, he started making alterations to his design. He made SH-1282 to serve as the perfect companion, but only to you.

He filled the humanoid's hard drive with everything that he'll need to help you and take care of you. He input cooking, cleaning, and even martial arts. You sighed, remembering your father's last words.

"I'm gonna leave him in your care now, err leave you in his care or whatever. Take good care of each other okay? I love you both so much."

You were such a crybaby, holding on to your father's arm as the nurses were ushering you to wait outside because the doctors are about to perform surgery.

"You'll be okay." Your father mouthed as he smiled knowingly in content.

You reach for the humanoid's neck to find the power button, finally deciding to activate him after holding it off for months.

You held your breath as his eyes open, immediately scanning his surroundings. His eyes land on you, a smile forms on his lips.

"Hi, I'm SH-1282. It's nice to finally meet you, Y/N." He said naturally, offering his hand. If you didn't know any better, you would think he was a normal boy.

You let out a shaky breath as you accept his hand. He frowns, it seems like he is studying your facial expression and posture.

"You seem like you are in distress. Are you alright?" He asks in concern.

"Yeah, I am." You reply weakly.

"Will a hug improve your mood?" He asks. He was programmed to know about the benefits of physical intimacy, but he was also programmed to know consent and so he will not do anything unless you want to.

You contemplated, biting your lip.

"No, thank you." He simply nods, stepping out of his charging port.

"Will you show me around the house?" He asks and you nod.

"Damn this feels so awkward." You think to yourself.

"So here's the living room." You say as SH-1282 takes a good look around the area, his eyes falling to the dirty coffee table with tons of papers stacked messily. The couch looked greasy, with breadcrumbs stuck to the sides of the couch cushions. He scrunches his nose, involuntarily adding a new emotion to his database: disgust.

And as you led him to the kitchen, this emotion intensifies as he sees the containers of Chinese takeouts and cup ramen littered around the counter. He walks to the fridge and finds it empty except for a carton of milk that you put into your cereal for breakfast.

This awakens another emotion for the humanoid, frustration. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he contemplates on what to do with the mess, aka you.

"This won't do. You have been living unhealthily which may reduce your chances of living a long life."

You scoff, "Excuse me?" He gives you a dead stare, an eyebrow raised.

"No, excuse me while I clean up all this. I'll leave you to your own devices, thank you for showing me around today." He says sassily as he goes to find where you hide your cleaning utensils. You stood there dumbfounded.

"Unbelievable." But you let him be anyway. He wasn't wrong, you've been a total mess this past few months but that was all because of the grief. You basically had no family now.

And so for the rest of the day, you lock yourself in your room and do homework. About 5pm, you hear a soft knock at your door.

"Hello, it's me. Can you spare me a minute? I have something to ask of you." You inwardly groan, not really wanting to face the humanoid.

"Can you accompany me to get groceries? I swear this will only happen one time. It is only because I am not yet accustomed to my location. But after I mentally note the directions, you won't have to come with me next time." He didn't really want to bother you, but he knew that going out by himself and getting lost will be much more bothersome for you.

"Sure thing, just let me change into— oh no, you have no other clothes. It's kinda chilly outside today." You mentally facepalm yourself. Why didn't I go shopping for men clothes first before activating him?

"That is fine, I am immune to any temperature." He says as-a-matter-of-fact. You roll your eyes.

"I know that but people will probably get suspicious to see a man walking around in a shirt and jeans when everybody else has coats on. We need you to fit in as much as possible."

You search for your father's old coat that you refused to throw away even months after he's passed.

"Sorry dad, but he kinda needs this right now." And so you dress the humanoid in your oversized university sweatshirt (which surprisingly fits him perfectly) and your father's old coat.

"How do I look? Will I fit in now?" He asks as he scans his appearance in the mirror.

"You look—" absolutely breathtaking. You had every urge to slap yourself. Your father really didn't play around when he made the humanoid's face. He could pass up as an idol. And the cute little mole on his nose was a good addition to his features that made him even more realistic.

"Great. People won't suspect a thing."

The two of you head out. Contrary to your expectations that he would marvel at everything he sees outside, he just casually looks around. You ride the bus together, and the humanoid processes everything that you do, noting how everything works.

What caught you by surprise though, is how he immediately stands up in instinct to let an old lady sit down in his place. He sure was programmed with manners and chivalry. You smiled at the thought.

You made your way inside the grocery store, only intended to grab a basket but the humanoid insisted on a push cart.

"We have so much to buy, I've taken a mental note of everything we'll need." You simply roll your eyes and let him push the cart around as you wandered behind him. You look around as he reads the nutritional facts of every single thing he sees.

"This is definitely going to take a while." You muttered.

"Y/N? Is that you?" A voice squealed. You hissed and attempted to turn away, pretending you didn't see her. The humanoid saw how you reacted and swiftly rushed to your side in a protective stance. The stranger eyes the humanoid, her eyes sparkling at the sight of such a gorgeous man.

"Why hello there. Y/N you didn't tell me you've been busy with your boyfriend, we haven't hung out in a while." Both of your eyes widened at the misunderstanding.

"Oh, no he's not— we aren't—" You tried to explain but she just laughed out loud.

"Look how flustered you are. You know what, it's okay. But we have a lot of catching up to do!" She said, squishing your cheeks in a playful manner.

"So what's your name, handsome stranger?" She asks, turning to the confused humanoid.

"I'm S—"

"Sunghoon! His name is Sunghoon." You blurted out. Sunghoon was the name of your childhood crush when you were like 7 but that'll have to do. Unfortunately, it seems that the humanoid got even more confused.

"I am Y/N's—"

"Neighbor. He lives next door to my apartment. I was just showing him around because he just recently moved into the city." You say quickly. She can't know that you're living with a guy. Even if said guy wasn't human.

"Awww how sweet of you to go shopping with your neighbor." She said, winking at you. She's definitely not convinced.

"I'm Yeonmi, Y/N's friend." She introduced, offering her hand to Sunghoon. He took her hand reluctantly.

"You mean my super obnoxious friend." You roll your eyes.

"Shut up, you love me." She teased. Admittedly, you've been avoiding her for months now. Ever since your father passed, it was as if you didn't want to deal with anyone anymore, with the fear of being left behind again. So you shut everyone out. You know it was a very selfish move and must've made everyone worry, but you have yet to figure out how to fix things back to how it is.

You said your goodbyes not without a long, tight hug from Yeonmi and Sunghoon noticed from his scanners how your vitals greatly improved from it. This made him feel another new emotion: relief. He was very thankful for your friend who made you feel better.

You continue venturing down the aisle of food, and you find the humanoid smiling to himself. He notices your attention on him and he shakes his head, as if shrugging his thoughts off.

"What?" You asked.

"You gave me a name. Although I'm unsure if it is necessary, thank you." He says genuinely as he smiles at you, your heart skipping a beat.

"You're welcome, Sunghoon." You smiled back.

He picked up lots of fruits and vegetables, with you whining the whole time. Your whines unlocked another emotion of his; annoyance.

"No wonder her father thought she is in need of taking care of, she acts like a child." He concludes, running his fingers through his hair as he lets you get an ice cream of your choice. Oddly, seeing a bright smile on your face as you show him what flavor you got seems to put him at ease.

The two of you got home at dawn, with quickly stacking up the groceries into the cabinets and fridge, with you slumping down on the now squeaky clean couch.

It had been quite a long day and you found yourself dozing off. You woke up from the light tap on your shoulder, eyes fixating on Sunghoon with your apron wrapped around his torso.

"I could get used to this." You thought, admiring how adorable the humanoid looked but quickly pushing the thoughts away.

"Sorry to wake you, it's time for dinner." He announces and you lazily nodded, not before yawning and stretching your arms.

"Uhh, what is this?" You asked, eyeing your plate.

"It's your dinner." He says nonchalantly, expecting you to start eating. Your face shows utter disgust at the plate of vegetables.

"Please don't make me eat that." You begged. Sunghoon rolls his eyes; a trait he adapted from spending just a day with you.

"Don't be dramatic, vegetables are good for you." He states, taking the plate from you and attempting to feed you.

"Come on, say ah." He says playfully. After realizing how much you acted like a child, he researched on how to take care of children and downloaded it into his database. You scrunch your nose, leaning away from the food and shooting him a glare.

"Sunghoon, I'm not a kid." You deadpanned.

"Oh, but you won't get your ice cream if you don't eat this." He says, pouting at you teasingly. He's really good at this. With a sigh, you open wide and allow him to feed you.

"Yep, definitely a kid." He thinks to himself as he smiles in satisfaction, another emotion unlocked.

That night, you decided to move his charging port (with his help) from the lab into the spare room of the apartment.

"You know, I'm completely okay with staying at the lab." He reasoned but you quickly hush him.

"Nope. That is no way to treat a person. You deserve your own room, okay? A room that you can fill with your own stuff and decorate with your own preferences. End of discussion." You sassed as you fix his charging port into place. Sunghoon blinked at you, unable to express how grateful he is of how kind you are to him.

"She wants to treat me like a real human being." He thinks, his mechanical heart overwhelmed with gratitude.

Days went on with a routine, with him cleaning all day and you attending online classes. There were occasional bumps in the road, with you getting annoyed with how much of a neat freak he is and him getting irritated with how lazy you are at taking care of yourself. You've also taught him how to watch tv, deciding not to let him use the internet yet because he might gain too much unnecessary information online.

And so on a saturday night, you sat together on the couch as you watched figure skating competitions. Sunghoon was at complete awe the whole time, studying how the skaters moved through the ice.

"I want to skate too." He states absentmindedly, attention still on the television. You smiled, thinking how it was the first time he actually said he wanted something.

"Then let's do it, let's go skating tomorrow." You say, his head immediately shot to you.

"What, really?" Sunghoon asks in disbelief, his eyes widening.

"Yes, really. Although I'm warning you, I don't know how to skate." You laughed, with him chuckling as well.

"Then we'll learn together." He promises.

What a total lie that is. He didn't need to learn, as you watched him move swiftly against the ice, the wind in his hair as he circled around, his focused eyes twinkling in the fairy lights. He looked ethereal. You could have sworn there were tears there as you cheered him on like a proud momma. Ah, they grew up so fast.

People at the park also stopped to watch Sunghoon, whispering about how talented the young man is. His eyes caught yours, and you weren't sure if you were seeing things but you thought you saw him send you a wink and smile.

"The TV been teaching him things." You muttered, blushing but not from the cold. Sunghoon skates towards you, pulling you with him. You're eyes widened in fear.

"N-no Sunghoon I can't—" but he was already leading you through the ice, eyes never leaving yours.

"You can." He whispers, taking you by the waist as he spun you around. You giddily laughed as you threw your arms out, savouring the chilly air. You didn't even notice the people watching and cooing at you as some joined in as well.

That night, Sunghoon felt something he never felt before, and you in a long time. You felt happy.

"Say aaaah~" Sunghoon said as he fed you chicken soup. You caught a cold from skating yesterday and now you're wrapped in a super cozy blanket with Sunghoon worrying about you.

"You know I can feed myself right?" You said, swallowing the food.

"I know, but I just feel responsible because I was the one who wanted to skate. You got sick because of me, and that kinda defeats my purpose because I'm supposed to be keeping you healthy." He rambled. You roll your eyes at him.

"Colds are normal, okay? Besides, I haven't had that much fun in a while. Thank you for that, Sunghoon." You say, reaching up to tussle his hair playfully. He froze, cogs in his mind unable to process as something inside him stirred, but in a pleasant way.

--

"So you dance while rubbing your body on a stranger?" Sunghoon questions, but he's not sure if he wants to know the answer. Tonight, you wore a simple black dress that teasingly showed a little bit of cleavage and a decent length of fabric that hugged tightly around your upper thighs but had a daringly high slit. Sunghoon approves and disapproves at the same time.

"Yeah, it's kinda like that. But don't worry, I won't be doing that. I'll just stay by the bar the whole time." You reassured as you struggled to put on your strappy heels. Sunghoon kneels down infront of you and helps you clasp the straps around your ankles, handling it very delicately. Your heart thumps as he looks up at you.

"Are you sure you don't want me to accompany you?" He asks for the fifth time as he follows you around the house like a puppy. You sigh, actually considering it. Although it was supposed to be a girl's night according to Yeonmi, you thought maybe having Sunghoon tag along wouldn't do harm.

But it did. It did harm to you, alright. And you wanted to harm those girls who kept on grinding their asses onto Sunghoon as slow, sexy music played. You were fuming, regretting dressing Sunghoon in such fashion that screamed big D energy. Why am I being so possessive? But then again, Sunghoon does look uncomfortable. I should go save him. Yeah, I'll do that.

"Hold my drink." You tell Yeonmi as you made your way to Sunghoon.

"You go girl! Get your man!" Yeonmi cheered drunkly.

Your train of thoughts were blurred by the alcohol as you struggled to walk straight. You had only one clear thought in mind: Sunghoon. I need to get to Sunghoon.

Sunghoon stood uncomfortably, eyeing the girls who rubbed their bossoms and derriere all over him. Is this supposed to be fun? He thinks innocently. He sees you walking towards him, swaying your hips side by side as you strode towards him like a predator.

Girls hovering around him going unnoticed as you were the only one he could see.

Stunning, beautiful. He thought.

"Hey handsome, care to dance?" You asked, pulling him to you before he could even answer. The girls spat at you, telling you to 'get in line' but you just shot them a smug look.

"Sorry ladies." Sunghoon apologized, but his smile told otherwise as he let you pull him away from them.

"You don't know how badly I wanted to get away from—" He froze in his spot as you wrap your arms around his neck, inching closer than ever before. You felt bold, but maybe that was just the alcohol in your system. And as you started moving your body against Sunghoon, you knew it wasn't just you who felt the heat. His large palms go down south, resting on your swaying hips as both of you moved to the sultry rhythm.

His mechanism was going nuts, threatening to malfunction as his sensors detected your very close proximity to him. Whatever you were playing, it was dangerous. But Sunghoon couldn't help but to want more, to desire more.

"Y/N." He whispers, and you look up at him with half lidded eyes. And damn did he find you so sexy right there, under the strobe lights. No girl in the club could ever compare.

"Home?" You suggested.

"Home." He agrees.

As you got in the cab, you immediately find yourself half straddling Sunghoon's lap as you attempt to kiss him. Luckily, Sunghoon can think clearer now and concludes that a drunk Y/N is a very horny Y/N. And though the thought that it was only the alcohol that made you want him made him feel sad, he knew it was wrong to demand such things from you.

And so with your futile attempts to get into his pants, he gently lays your head on his shoulder and hugs you to keep you still. But even that couldn't stop you from squirming to get away from his hold, trying to get some action. He chuckles as he held your hand tightly in his to prevent it from landing into his crotch.

"Now now, you have to stay put. I won't be taking advantage of your state." He scolds gently. And by the time the cab had stopped in front of the building of your apartment, you were fast asleep in Sunghoon's arms.

Times like these were when Sunghoon is glad he was made of aluminum. He scooped you up in his arms like a pillow as he walked up to your apartment. You snuggled up into his chest, looking so innocent as you soaked up his warmth. Sunghoon cooed about how adorable you are, talking to you in your sleep.

He placed you delicately on your bed, contemplating whether to change your clothes or not. He decided not to, noting how your privacy is important to you. You're too drunk and asleep to give him permission right now anyway. He took off your heels and wiped your makeup off very gently, and tucked you in properly.

Long minutes pass as he studies your face, stroking your hair softly as the corners of his mouth lift up unconsciously. He really loves taking care of you. He loves you.

This realization hits him like a truck of overwhelming emotions, but it all makes sense to him now.

"I love you, Y/N." He whispers, leaving a soft kiss on your forehead before retiring to his own room.

[thejeksburyguy]

Warning: discussion of mental health and dark topics

I know I joke about my mental health and sleep deprivation on here. Alot. I reblog a lot of nihilistic humour and put 'lol same' or 'm e' in the tags. But in all honesty, my mental and physical health as of late is... not.. the best...

I haven't slept a full eight hours in weeks. I haven't slept for more than four hours in a few days now, and it just keeps getting worse. Recently I went four days in a row without sleeping at all, and I'm fairly certain I started hallucinating a bit before my body just hit the emergency brakes, and even then I only slept for two hours, maybe three. I might be starting to hallucinate again, actually, but I'm choosing to ignore that.

My depression has made a violent comeback, and my appetite is starting to go as well. If it weren't for someone very close to me (who I'm just going to refer to as Hyde from now on), I probably wouldn't be eating, but he pushes me to take care of myself and won't take 'I'm not hungry' for an answer. I haven't weighed myself (I'm actively avoiding looking or even touching a scale, I do NOT need to trigger my ED into waking up, I have enough on my plate (haha w o o p s) as it is), but I've probably started losing weight again.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide are returning. It's getting harder everyday to ignore them. I have so much work to do, from school, from my parents, I haven't even had holiday breaks off because one of my teachers keeps assigning work over the holidays. Everyday more work gets added to the pile, and I'm struggling to keep up, but reaching out for help is pointless; half of my teachers treat me like I'm a burden on their life, and the other half I don't want to bother because my own mental illnesses prevent me from seeking help.

It's one of those 'it feels easier to just swim down' situations. I just want to hit the bottom and breathe out and drown. It really doesn't help that my mother completely ignored the doctor's orders and warnings and has not only made me aware of where my pills are, but has given me full access to them and trusts me to take them myself. It's tempting to overdose. It really is. And I'm scared, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out before my brain wins. Hyde helps alot, but he can only do so much.

I guess I'm writing this to clear my mind? Or maybe it's because, if I do go through with it one day, I don't want you all to wonder where I am. I don't intend this as a suicide note, not at all, and for now I'm not giving in, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll survive finals week, heh heh. I know I've had public mental breakdowns in the past on here, but I haven't been 100% honest about how bad it is.

I have had 3 suicide attempts, only one of which my parents know about, and even then believe it was just me 'thinking about it'.

I have thoughts of killing myself and self-harming everyday, without fail.

I have high-functioning depression. Most of the people I interact with either have no idea I'm depressed, or don't know just how bad it is.

I have a lot of undiagnosed problems, things I believe are serious and need to be addressed, but as a teenager I can't do that myself.

It's 3:17 am right now. I should really go to sleep. I can't. My body won't let me, and the few times I do I have horrific night terrors. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I know I make alot of connections between myself and TGS Jekyll, but I'm not trying to be memey or clever when I say I am genuinely terrified of being locked up in an insane asylum. My mother has already threatened to send me to one, not because of my mental health, but as a punishment or to 'scare me straight' due to a fight we had. I feel like I can't be honest with any of the adults in my personal life or I'll be strapped in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell. I'm probably wrong, but this is genuinely what I think of when I think 'insane asylum':

I know I probably should be in one. I'm a danger to myself, and most likely to others as well. I have a lot of tendencies and urges I suppress (alongside with my queerness; I'm openly queer on here and with friends at school, but most of it is either forced flamboyance or, when around other people, suppressing it and pretending to be cishet), most of which I know for a fact are a one way ticket to the loving embrace of medical torture. But I can't get into detail about it or ask for help or I'll be seen as attention seeking, faking it, or trying to be Edgy.

My therapist is incredibly sweet, but I'm not honest with her. I keep a lot from her. I feel like I'm burdening her, or she'll judge me. She won't, she's made it clear she cares about me, truly, but my brain won't let me progress and get the help I need. This meme I made pretty much sums up my life in one image:

I don't know why I'm even making this post anymore. I feel so manipulative, like I'm begging for pity and attention. I don't want that; I'd almost prefer getting anons telling me to shut up and kill myself, heh heh! At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm emotionally damaging people who care about me.

I sincerely hate myself for making this post now, actually. I want to delete it all, but I've spent so much time on it, it'd be wasted if I didn't post it. I can't afford to waste time, my brain might actually short circuit if it realizes I wasted time I could have been using to work. What is relaxing or free time, heh heh heh.

...I think I'm going to go cry to Hyde now.

[mental-health-advice]

(Tag Eve) Part 1: Lately my depression has been getting worse than it ever has. Its gotten to the point where I'm no longer able to play the sports I used to love (ex. I don't have very good aim anymore while playing basketball, I can't seem to block a volleyball anymore, ect.) Its been affecting my school work as well, I haven't been completing projects on time and I can't concentrate in class. My marks have dropped big time.

(Tag Eve) Part 2: Its been getting bad to the point where some days I can't even get out of bed. Its really been affecting how I live daily. Simple things like showering or brushing my teeth have become an effort. I can't see a professional about it because I don't have a car and my parents deny the existence of depression, calling me lazy and stuck up instead, and theres no way I could afford it anyways. I've been suicidal for a while, with no real reason to be.

(Tag Eve) Part 3: I've just been doing little things like no longer looking when I cross the street or not wearing seat belts anymore. Part of me wants to stop, but I can't bring myself to stop. (As stupid as that sounds)

Hi Eve,

Nothing that you’ve said sounds stupid and I’m so sorry thatyou’re struggling so much!

What you’re describing sounds really frustrating and I wantyou to know that you don’t need a “reason” to feel like this or to be suicidal.While certain situations can lead to depression or suicidal ideation (losing aloved one or getting fired from a job, for example), mental illness issomething that just happens. For whatever reason, our brain chemistry just getsout of balance and causes issues like depression or any other mental illness.This can be really frustrating because, when something like this is going on,we tend to want to find a tangible reason for why it’s happening, which isn’tpossible when it’s caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. So although itseems like you don’t have a true reason to be depressed or suicidal, what you’refeeling is valid and you do have a reason to feel like this – it’s just not areason that’s as obvious as it seems like it should be.

It does sound like you would really benefit from seekinghelp and I think there might actually be ways around physically getting totherapy and paying for it. You mentioned that you’re in school and most schoolsoffer counseling services of some sort, so that might be worth looking into. Counselingservices in schools are often free for students, too. If that’s not an option,there may be a clinic in your area that provides free therapy for people whocan’t afford it. Some of those clinics will even offer free bus passes (orwhatever form of public transportation your area has) for people who don’t havetransportation. You might try asking around, perhaps with teachers or friendsif you have any that struggle with mental health, to see what services areavailable to you. Your doctor might even have some suggestions and you can alsotry doing some research online. We have a page about getting help if you’d likesome information on how to reach out.

When it comes to your depression, there are some things thatyou can do on your own in addition to seeking professional help. It’s reallycommon for people who struggle with depression to lose interest in activitiesthat they usually enjoy, but it can still be helpful to keep doing them even ifyou don’t like doing them as much especially if it involves being around peoplebecause that’s good for depression. For your schoolwork, you could try talkingto your teachers about what’s going on, just so they are aware of what’s goingon. In general, self-care is super important. Even if it means that you brushyour teeth or brush your hair on days that you can’t get out of bed, it’s stillsomething that will help you feel human since being stuck in bed can make youfeel bad about yourself. You can find more self-help suggestions for depressionhere if you’re interested.

It’s really concerning that you often want to get hurt orwant to hurt yourself, so I want to give you some resources in case you feellike you’re a danger to yourself. In a situation where you feel like you wantto die but you don’t want to act on the thoughts, you can try reaching out to ahelpline or web counselor. Those are helpful for when you just feel like youcould use someone to talk to when you’re having suicidal thoughts. However, ifyou’re ever actively suicidal and you’re an immediate danger to yourself, youshould contact your local emergency services or find another safe way to ahospital. I know it can be incredibly difficult to ask for help when you feellike hurting yourself, but there are always people out there who can help youand you shouldn’t ever have to go through this on your own. You’re deserving ofhelp and you deserve to keep going.

What you’re going through isn’t easy, but you’re so muchstronger than you think. Depression can make life feel so bleak and pointless,which can make it really hard to keep going. It sounds like this is somethingyou’ve been struggling with for a while and, although this is the worst it hasever been, remember that you have managed to get through all of it. You’restill here and that says a lot about how strong you really are! And even thoughit can be hard to think about the future when you’re hurting this much, itreally is possible to get back to a place where you feel okay again. It mightnot happen today, tomorrow, or next week, but eventually you will get there. Aslong as you can hang on until then, I think you will be glad that you decided tostick around. There are always reasons to stay.

You can do this!

-Samantha

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! Could you help? I was diagnosed with anxiety+panic disorder as well as insomnia and depression a year ago. I'm on medication, but it doesn't work anymore. I'm just so tired of all this, I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore!!! I want out of this!!! It's been years since I was truly smiling. I want to control my life again, to be happy. Or I at least want to be able to eat and sleep... And not throw up daily! I'm so close to breaking down, both mentally and physically. Any advice?

Hey there! I hope your day is going well! Mental illness is a roughthing to go through. It is especially difficult when we have multiple problemsand medication isn’t working for us. There are always treatment optionsavailable even when we have lost hope. I will give you some advice in regardsto recovery and coping.

Anxiety and panic is one of the topics in which you are havingtrouble with. Anxiety disorders are mental illnesses that can causeoverwhelming fear and worry that can interfere with the individual’s ability tolead a normal life. As is the case with most mental illnesses, the exactreason as to why some people develop anxiety disorders isn’t fully understood.They are thought to be caused by a combination of factors, including genetic,psychological, environmental and medical factors. There are many ways to calmanxiety. You can try breathing exercises. Trying to keep your breathing undercontrol can help you try to stay calm and stop the anxious feeling fromdeveloping into an anxiety or panic attack. Try to indentify why you arefeeling anxious. Understanding why you’re feeling anxious can reassure you thatyou’re safe and okay, and help you work through the situation that is makingyou feel like this. Anxiety has a habit of making you assume the worst andalways jump to the worst case scenarios, so take a minute to think thingsthrough rationally. For example, when your mind is overthinking everything thatcould go wrong, try to remind yourself of the things that could actually gowell instead! If you’re convincing yourself that everyone hates you, try tothink of evidence and examples that show they don’t, etc.

Insomnia is really rough to dealwith. I cannot imagine what it is like to not be able to sleep. We have a pageon the contents page linked below that you may want to look at on getting agood nights sleep. What I recommend with insomnia is to see a doctor, if youaren’t already. Medication can help a lot with this issue. If you ask yourfamily doctor about this issue they should be able to direct you to aspecialist.

Depression has been the worst thingthat I ever have had to deal with. When you are feeling bad, try to distractyourself with different activities. My favorite distractions are playing videogames and helping out on this blog. It may help to make a list of distractionsthat you enjoy and refer to it when you are feeling bad. I also find it helpfulto talk to people when I am feeling down. Try to talk with some friends orfamily or possibly a therapist.

One option that may work for yourproblems is to change what medications you are on. I have done this and I amfinally on the right medications. You may also want to consider admittingyourself to the hospital. If you do this they can monitor you and get youremotions regulated. If you need to do this it is okay; you’re health is moreimportant.

I know you can get through all ofthese problems. Remember that we have a live chat service that is available toeveryone. You can send in a request or see if an admin has posted that they areonline. If you feel like you are in immediate danger please go to the hospital.I want you to be safe.

I wish you luck!

Contents Page

-Rachel

“The sun will rise and we will tryagain.”