#my deadline is 2 weeks and iM STRESSING

[buddy-anon]

ò w ó

[apocalypticdemon]

I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.

[autism-corner]

erm

[lechrts]

What Are We. ✷ Paul Aron

Pairing: Paul Aron x Friend!reader

Summary: When all signs start to point that maybe you guys are more than friends.

Word Count: 2.1k

Vera’a Voice! Free time for me!!!! Which means I get to write and get down and dirty and grind. (Write.) this blurb is for my bbg Ellis. Hai. Suhhhhh. ok now adding this bit but I already wrote everything so its too late but im giggling bc I just searched and learned estonia is not that much of a warm beachy country oops. Ok Bye. my b. OH WELL.

The long-awaited summer break was something you had looked forward to since the season began. Climbing the ladder as a media intern in motorsports had been tough, but landing your big break in Formula 2 made every late night and early morning worth it.

It was one step closer to your ultimate dream.

Sure, it had been thrilling, but also more stressful than you’d ever imagined. Capturing the perfect shot, fumbling with your camera settings at the worst moments, and racing against deadlines—it was far from easy.

But despite the challenges, you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Being young and working as an intern came with its own unique perks too—like getting to know some of the drivers on a personal level.

Not even a year ago would you have ever thought you’d be on a little friend vacation to Estonia with people like Paul Aron or Dino Beganovic and a couple other beloved interns that you had the pleasure of meeting.

And if you told yourself seven months ago you’d be in this scenario, you’d actually laugh.

Paul had been thoughtful enough to organize this entire trip, excited to share the beauty of his homeland with everyone.

Even after traveling halfway across the globe for this sport, Estonia easily ranked as one of the most stunning places you’d ever seen.

It was day two of this unforgettable getaway, and the late afternoon was approaching fast. The group had spent the day soaking up the sun at the beach, swimming in the crystal-clear water, and enjoying the luxurious villa you’d all pitched in to rent for the week.

But now, it was time for something even more special—Paul was finally taking you all to see his true home, where his mother had prepared a dinner that promised to be just as warm and inviting as the country itself.

Dinner in Paul’s family home was as cozy and picturesque as you’d expected. His mom had gone all out, setting the table with traditional Estonian dishes that filled the room with delicious aromas. Paul was effortlessly charming, introducing everyone to his siblings, Anna and Ralf, and making sure no one felt out of place.

You’d always known Paul had this way of making people feel special—it was part of his personality, the charm that came so naturally to him. To you, he’d always just been Paul. Sure, he was flirty sometimes, but that was just who he was, right? Nothing more.

Or so you thought.

The meal was going smoothly until Anna, his sister, casually leaned across the table and asked, “So, how long have you two been together?”

The entire table froze for half a second before erupting into giggles and suppressed laughter.

Your fork clattered against your plate as you nearly choked. “What?” you sputtered, eyes darting to Paul for backup. “We’re not—no, no. We’re not together.”

Anna blinked at you innocently. “Really? You sure? Because I would've thought—”

Ralf snickered, adding fuel to the fire. “Yeah, the way you two act—it’s like, I don’t know, kind of obvious?”

Your face burned, and you glanced at Paul, who had leaned back in his chair with a faint smirk, clearly enjoying your flustered state. He wasn’t rushing to clear anything up either.

What an idiot.

Before you could stammer out another denial, Paul’s mother chimed in, her voice light but curious. “Paul, you never told me you had a girlfriend?"

Your jaw dropped. “I’m not his—”

Paul cut in smoothly, though his eyes sparkled with mischief. “Ema,” he said, addressing his mother, “Don't worry, I would've told you.”

The laughter at the table got even louder. Dino, seated to your right, practically doubled over as he tried (and failed) to keep his drink from spilling. One of the others whispered something that sent him into another fit of giggles.

“Sorry, but this is too good,” Dino said, wiping at his eyes. “You should see your face right now.”

You groaned, burying your face in your hands for a moment, your cheeks blazing. “We’re just friends!” You insisted again, though the way everyone at the table was grinning made it clear no one believed you.

Paul leaned forward slightly, resting his chin on his hand as he looked at you, a faint smirk tugging at his lips. “Relax,” He said, his voice low and teasing. “You’re making this way more awkward than it needs to be.”

“You’re enjoying this,” You quietly gritted through your teeth back, side-eyeing him.

He shrugged, completely unbothered as he whispered. “A little.”

The laughter slowly died down, but the tension lingered. You tried to focus on your plate, but it was impossible to ignore the flutter in your chest or the way Paul kept sneaking amused glances at you.

It was just Paul, you told yourself. The same Paul who flirted with everyone, who loved teasing you, who couldn’t possibly mean anything by it. But tonight, under the warm glow of the dining room lights, surrounded by his family and friends, the line between teasing and something more felt blurrier than ever.

And the way he winked at you before taking another bite of his food only made that flutter worse.

Soon, the evening had settled in beautifully, the Estonian coastline bathed in hues of amber and violet as the last traces of sunlight dipped below the horizon.

After dinner, the group returned to the villa, laughter and chatter filling the spacious living room as everyone settled into their version of post-dinner relaxation. Dino had taken to challenging the others in a card game, while the rest debated over who would make the best DJ for the night.

You had excused yourself after a while, craving a quiet moment away from the lively energy. The villa's balcony called to you, with its perfect view of the shore and the gentle sound of waves rolling against the sand. The cool evening air kissed your skin as you leaned against the railing, letting the salty breeze fill your lungs. The horizon stretched endlessly, the water shimmering under the soft glow of the moon.

For a while, you simply let yourself get lost in the serenity of the moment, your thoughts wandering back to the chaos of dinner. The teasing, the tension, the way Paul’s gaze had lingered on you just a little too long. You shook your head, trying to brush it off as nothing more than his usual antics.

It was just Paul.

Or was it?

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t hear the door to the balcony slide open until Paul’s voice broke through the quiet.

"Got room for one more?"

You glanced over your shoulder to see him step closer, joining you anyways, his familiar smirk in place. He leaned against the railing beside you, his arm brushing lightly against yours. The touch was subtle, barely there, but it sent a small jolt through you nonetheless.

"You okay?" He asked.

“Just needed a little air.” You glanced at him, half-expecting him to move away, but he didn’t. If anything, he leaned closer, his gaze fixed on the horizon, as if he didn’t notice—or maybe he did.

For a while, the two of you stood in silence, the only sound the distant waves and the occasional rustle of the breeze. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t exactly easy, either. The day’s events had left too much unsaid.

Finally, Paul broke the silence. “You know,” he began, his tone a little hesitant, “I almost planned this trip just for the two of us.”

You turned to him, surprised. “What?”

He gave you a small, self-conscious smile. “Yeah. I wanted it to be just us. I thought it’d be nice to show you where I’m from, spend some time together without… racing being in the way.” He let out a quiet laugh.

“But Dino found out, and he wouldn’t let it happen. Said it’d be too obvious, especially since we aren't, you know…”

“Together?,” You finished, your voice barely above a whisper.

Paul nodded, his gaze fixed on the shoreline. “Yeah. And I couldn’t really argue with him.. he said I could've scared you off.”

Your heart was racing now, the implications of his words sinking in. He’d wanted this trip to be just the two of you? You hadn’t even realized he’d thought about you like that.

“You actually planned this for us?” You asked, your voice soft.

He shrugged, his smile a little shy. “I wanted to show you something important to me. I thought maybe it’d mean something more.” He paused, then added with a teasing edge, “But I guess I didn’t do a great job of getting my point across.”

You blinked, the memories of all the lingering glances, the playful teasing, the way he always seemed to find a reason to be near you during race weekends were suddenly flooding your mind.

You’d brushed it off every time, chalking it up to Paul just being Paul.

But now…

“I guess.. I didn’t realize,” You admitted quietly.

Paul chuckled, his arm brushing yours again as he leaned a little closer. “Yeah, I got that impression. You’re not exactly the most perceptive when it comes to certain things.”

You shot him a half-hearted glare, but the smile tugging at your lips betrayed you. “Oh, come on!" You nudged your arm against his, now even closer than ever.

"Okay, maybe I’m a little oblivious. But in my defense, you flirt with everyone. How was I supposed to know you’re serious?”

He tilted his head, his expression softening. “I do flirt a lot. But not like this—not with you.” His voice dropped slightly, the sincerity in his tone making your chest tighten.

“You’re different.”

The words hung in the air between you, heavy and undeniable. You swallowed hard, your thoughts a jumbled mess of confusion and something that felt dangerously close to hope.

Paul shifted, turning to face you fully now. “Look, I’m just going to say it." He laugh, probably feeling embarrassed it's taken this long to properly ask you.

"I’ve been trying to make it obvious that I’m interested in you, but maybe I’ve been going about it the wrong way.” He let out a breath, his lips quirking into a now nervous smile. “So… what are we? Because I know what I want us to be. I’ve known for a while now. And it sucked having to deny to my family that you're my girlfriend.” He paused.

"And you have no idea how badly I wanted it to be true." He laughed softly again, shaking his head.

“I want this—us—to be something more. I’ve been dropping hints for months, and either you’re really good at ignoring them, or I’m terrible at this.”

Your cheeks flushed, and you glanced down, suddenly hyper-aware of how close he was and how genuine he was.

“I just… I didn’t think you've ever been serious,” You admitted.

“Well, I am,” He said simply, his voice steady now. “And I don’t want to dance around it anymore. Let me take you on a proper date. Just us. No Dino, no friends, no interruptions.”

You looked at him, your heart pounding in your chest. The way he was looking at you—open, vulnerable, and completely earnest—made it impossible to say anything but yes.

“Okay,” You said softly, a small smile tugging at your lips. “I’d like that.”

Paul’s grin widened, and he let out a breath of relief, his hand brushing against yours briefly before he pulled back. “Good. Because I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while now.”

As the waves crashed softly in the distance, the two of you leaned against the railing once more, shoulders touching. This time, the spark between you wasn’t just a fleeting moment. It was a promise of something new, something real—and you couldn’t wait to see where it would lead.

comments , likes , & reblogs are appreciated ! ^_^ kinda fw this one!!!! Ur Welcome Ellis Baef.

tags! @wdcbox @planetpedri @halfwayhearted ofc.

[pe4cht3a]

I beg you, a one-shot where the reader breaks down mentally in front of Killua, and he tries to comfort them as best as he can, albeit a bit clumsily, with lots of hugs and pure fluff. 😭🙏

₊⊹ Could’ve Said So .𖥔 ݁

── .✦ a/n: ty for the request! i wrote this while pulling an all nighter so its kinda aurgahhaz

“i’ve just been having a rough day okay? not a big deal.” you snapped as you ran your hand through your hair with much stress. “you’ve been legit saying the same thing for a week now, y/n.” the albino snapped back with a somewhat frustrated tone as he face palmed his face, feeling defeated. “why the fuck are you so up in my business anyways, kil?” you rolled your eyes. the room was silent for a painfully awkward 30 seconds, as you laid on your stomach, on the top of your bed. as you continued on with working on your college assignments on your laptop, acting unbothered, you spot in the corner of your peripheral vision, your EXTREMELY pissed off boyfriend staring at you for a good half minute at the entrance of your bedroom.

“look, i seriously don’t know what the hell is up with you lately, but you’re not telling me how you’ve actually been feeling is something even gon can fucking see.” the furious silverette hissed as he took a step closer towards your bed. “you’re overthinking.” you shut him down as your eyes are fixated on your laptop screen, not paying mind to the poor boy’s concerns. “me? overthinking? you’ve fucking lost it, y/n.” your boyfriend gritted his teeth as he clenched his palms. although, killua’s words are harsh and come off as plain anger, his eyes said otherwise. that mesmerising blue gaze of his were filled and drowning with worry and desperation. “god. can you just PLEASE step out for a moment, kil. i’m nearing a deadline right now.” you huffed out, in an almost begging tone. you could already sense the tears perking up in the corner of your eyes. “obviously, no. im not leaving this room until you tell me why you’ve not been yourself lately.” your boyfriend reaffirmed. you gave out the heaviest sigh known to mankind as you put your hands over your face, still facing your unfinished work on your laptop. the room was hushed once again, only this time it was quiet for way longer. 2 minutes gone, still, you had your hands sheltering over your face.

“uh.. y/n?” killua asked as he finally started carrying his movements again, eventually sitting on the edge of your bed. as he got closer, he suddenly heard sniffling and small sobs. those forceful but poorly suppressed sobs and sniffles sent killua into a panic, as he was already pretty concerned in the first place. without a second thought, the silverette immediately shuffled towards you on the bed, causing some of your plushies to fall off your bed in the hurried process.

“babe?” he forced your hands off your face, despite you protesting by trying to keep your face covered. of course, killua won that small battle. as his hands pulled away yours, he finally witnessed the state you were in. mascara running down your face as tears were flowing out, eyes red and puffy, sniffling nose and furrowed eyebrows. “i told you to get out just now!” you yelled in a fit of frustration. killua clicked his tongue, “fuck that. tell me what’s wrong.” he said as he placed a hand on your shoulder, so so lovingly. as if, he would completely fall apart if he couldn’t hold onto you somehow.

“i said get the fuck out.”

“no.”

“why won’t you just leave me alone.”

“no.”

“JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.”

“yeah, no.”

you shut your eyes tightly, trying to just close off from everything currently. unfortunately, thats just a fantasy. you’ve been completely overloaded lately for the past month with lots of assignments and college projects. along with the fact, you had high expectations for yourself and your abilities. usually, you wouldn’t be this overstimulated for school work, but your professor has truly been giving you a hard time lately, for simply once accidentally dozing off in their lesson. then again, you’ve always been quite the person to crave validation from your performances and abilities. perhaps that’s why you chose killua, he valued you for who you genuinely were and not what you were able to offer. it felt good to actually be valued for yourself, which is something that doesn’t occur very often for you. whether, it was your looks or grades, it constantly felt like people always had an ulterior motive when socialising with you. you were getting tired.

“geez. just tell me what’s actually wrong.” killua stressed as he started shaking your shoulder. “i’m very stressed.” you said in a plain tone, holding back tears, trying hard to not seem pathetic to your love. “you could’ve just said so..” he replied in a relieved yet annoyed manner. “you know its difficult for me to do that…” you muttered, trying to stop the tears. “uh, you can always text me?” the albino declared as he thought that was an amazing solution. “you’re really bad at this.. you know?” you smirked, despite the ruined mascara all over your face and eyes still puffy.

“fuck off y/n.” he rolled his blue eyes as he pulled you into a hug, you were caged into his embrace. you could feel heat radiating off his body onto yours. you felt so weak and limp after pushing yourself to work so hard and not to mention, crying a lot too. as you stayed in his embrace, he lifted his arm and placed a hand onto the back of your head. “whatever it is, take your time. i’ll always listen.” he whispered, as you felt his other arm travel around onto your waist. “hm, yeah..” you replied, using your little remaining amount of energy to push that response out of you. what truly calmed you down though, was that being entangled in a hug with him, you could always feel his heart beat rapidly speeding up against your chest as you are pressed against him so dearly, you could breathe in the scent of your beloved killua as well as the comfort he always lovingly provided.

after what felt like an eternity, albeit, a pleasant one. you finally lifted your head to look at your love. intoxicated by the scent of your boyfriend and the love in the atmosphere, you are met with killua looking down at you through his pale toned hair that slightly covered his eyes. those exact eyes met yours with an equal amount of love and adoration.

[hearts4leeknow]

Chicken Nuggets || Han Jisung x Reader

Genre: angst-fluff (hurt/comfort?)

Warning(s)?: hurtful words (hannie didnt mean it), Han is a little bit of a meanie (but he makes up for it)

Han Jisung x Reader

Summary: You storm off into you and Hannies shared bedroom with hurt feelings. Han knows he messed up but thinks an apology isn’t enough so he makes some chicken nuggets for you <3

a/n: My friends were giving me suggestions and this one is from my friend @ghostaurel <33

“you’re so clingy it’s suffocating you know? Can you not see I don’t wanna talk to you!”

Han’s words repeated in your head over and over again each time you heard it you’d let out a sob. Does he really think i’m that clingy? No, was the answer but his words earlier said otherwise. Han knew he was wrong as soon as the filthy words left his mouth, his heart hurt when he saw the tears build up in your eyes due to the words he had spewed, yet he couldn’t think in the moment so he said nothing else. He regrets saying nothing, it probably made him look worse but he cant do anything to change that now, the past is the past. Jisung spent the first 10 minutes alone in the living room thinking about how to apologize, he felt tears brim up in his eyes, he felt terrible. He didn’t mean it he just couldn’t come up with any song ideas for their new album coming out soon. Jisung knew it wasnt an excuse, he also knows a simple ‘i’m so sorry’ or ‘i’m sorry’ won’t fix anything. He already has hurt your feelings twice this week due to stress, his sorry wont mean anything to you and he knew it. So he decided to do more this time, make a midnight snack for the two of you to enjoy together to finally spend time together after him staying in the studio for who knows how long. It was the least he could do.

Chicken Nuggets, is the first thing that came to mind when he thought of foods and snacks you liked. And so that’s what he made. Han saw some dino nuggets in the freezer so he defrosted them and put them into the toaster oven to heat up, he then went ahead and attempted to make star nuggets for you. He wasn’t very good at cooking like the other members but Jisung tried. He collected all the ingredients whisking, stirring and pouring ingredients. Finally he looked at the clock, 1:47AM he read. Are you even still awake? he wondered, his question was answered when he heard the bedroom door unlock revealing a tired, teary eyed, you.

“Baby! I made some dino and star nuggets for you as an apology because I assumed an ‘im sorry’ wouldn’t be enough for the damage I caused and the hurt I caused you..” He looked down feeling ashamed.

“Hmmh” You hummed in response, walking towards the dining table sitting yourself down.

“I am really sorry, I didn’t mean any of those horrible words I said to you. I said them in the heat of the moment and it wasn’t right of me. I’ve just had no ideas for songs and it’s been stressing me out since the deadline of those are in 2 weeks, yes I know it’s no excuse for what I said. I lashed out again, and I promise i’ll change for the better, for you. I’m really sorry baby!” Jisung apologized tears filling up his boba eyes yet again, his tone of voice and eyes practically begging for him to be forgiven. He was guilty and you could tell, his body language said it all.

“Hannie, it’s okay and I understand I was prying you a lot and probably disturbing you, but you know I care for you and whenever you feel stressed take a breather and talk to me about it next time instead of building it up and lashing out on me?” You give a small smile showing you do forgive him.

“Yes, I promise to talk to you and take breaks next time! I just can’t guarantee this won’t happen again in the future, but I will do everything I can to prevent it!” He had tears rolling down his face but he held a proud smile. In that moment he heard a ‘ding!’ meaning the dino and star nuggets were done! Jisung took them out and put them on a plate for you and him to share.

“Ji! don’t forget about the ketchup meteorite!” You giggle watching Jisung pull open the fridge looking for the ketchup bottle.

“Ji to your right on the door of the fridge.” You smile at his confused state frantically trying to find the ketchup. He let out a small ‘ohh’ and opened the lid forcing some ketchup out of the bottle.

“ahh” You said waiting for him to feed you a chicken nugget.

“Okay wait” Jisung quickly went to wash his hands speeding back and dipping a Star nugget into the ketchup feeding it to you.

“This is the one I made, how is it babe?” He questioned trying to tell by your expression.

Your eyes light up, “Woah, this is actually amazing” Your voice was muffled due to the fact you’re still chewing.

“Thank you Ji-baby!” You have a bright smile and a peck on the cheek as a reward.

“The least I could baby~” He gave you a sly smirk, giving you a kiss on the nose.

“try one!” You hold up a star nugget up to his lips waiting for him to take a bite.

“Mmm, you’re right it is good..” Jisung looked at you with his cheeks stuffed with chicken nuggets.

“You’re a cutie you know that!” You poke his cheek earning a pout from poor Jisung. You shoved two dino nuggets into your mouth mimicking Han.

“AWWW, you’re cuter babe!” He squealed with his loud persona, as your face flushed a light pink.

“Baby…I love you. You know that right?” Han expressed, in a calmer matter.

“Yes Hannie, and you know, I love you too” You two shared a kiss full of love and passion. That’s how your night went on, laughs and giggles were to be heard as you and Jisung were having the time of your lives in the dining room at now 2:57AM not yet asleep.

-FIN-

a/n: i’m actually really proud of this one! Lmk if you guys want more things like this!

[kraro-school-life]

A little update on my life rn:

I am sick. Like stayed home and cried multiple times because my throat hurts so fucking much sick. Whoever is trying to strike me down is doing a fantastic job :) The multiple weeks before haven´t been enough? Yet I still need to get my shit together, because so much is HAPPENING and I didn´t feel like writing by hand. So here´s my (kinda) journal entry.

There is this one art competition, which my teacher signed me up for. And I haven´t been able to work on my project the whole summer and the deadline is in 1,5 weeks. This IS optional regarding my school grade, but this is like a significant competition and my teacher and me think I have, eh, at least a decent chance at getting podium? I have a fully thought out, detailed idea... but basically only 2 sketches. And now I have to decide: do I go for it and start even though it´s gonna be HELLA (extra!!) work and might not garantee podium. The thing is, I don´t know if I´ll even finish this thing. Or do I just give up. Which, now that I typed it out, sounds crazy. Why would I give up? (Because Im so tired and stressed and all this work is not good for my mental health, bud did we ever care about that? haha).

Now that we got that out the way, MORE FUCKING DECICIONS!!!1!!!1

And not like small ones, no, the art comp might give me valuable clasification, that´s hard enough to decide. Now I have to decide what subjects I want for my Abi (exit exam). Are you being fr?? I knew this was coming but isn´t next Monday a bit too soon? Bro. Anyway. The thing is - I need to decide. And for that I need to do research if the subjects matter and how much, if specific degrees require subjects... Do I look like I know what I will be dooing with my life. So that.

I need to get info about a 10 day school? project I´m a part of. At least I hope it will be a fun trip. (Not fun making up all the work tho).

I am also responsible for my grade´s yearbook, which I also need to get started on immidatly. But for that I luckily have a friend that can help me out the first 2 weeks so I don´t have to stress as much. (I volounteered, but still. Someone´s gotta do it right.)

Generally uni research and qualifications are something I HAVE to get started on. Just yesterday I was in 9th grade wth?! I hate this transitional period. So much potential for mistakes, so many choices.

And school ofc, because assigments don´t know what a break is <3:

Religion presentation

Physics research

Philosophy hw (excerpts)

Eco hw

School art project finish

History hw

gonna brb trying to make a realistic schedule with all this shit.

My god is being a functioning member of society difficult,

Hope I don´t fuck myself over,

xoxo - ♦️

[aproxm]

you're a big inspiration of mine. if anything ever happened to my body to where i lost the current capacity to draw like i do now (pretty much my only creative outlet), i know from your experience that it would be a tough road to climb back towards creating but it's very much doable, and i would find success like you have if i put in the dedication and work. please keep making things forever.

;_;

i hate sounding like a baby but life is so difficult, even insulated within a first world nation, even with jobs with downtime... this ask was sent in oct 2023 and between then and now i almost went homeless and had my ebt frozen for a spell there. i ended up working with a local org and it took a dozen calls and appointments and drives and deadlines but i did end up getting put in a cool new place and they helped with the initial payments and i even got free utilities now hahaha. i also spent much of this time with mind wracked over trying to get a second job with my first on hiatus--i'm working both now, never had 2 jobs at the same time before but rent's gotta get paid. where was i going with this? life is really difficult. you could say me dealing with my fibro diagnosis, losing my ability temporarily to draw, game, write, work, etc was a mountain with first a slope way downwards, but i got over it (i mean im still disabled but at least i can do things again with minimal pain lol).

but then having my roommate bounce and being faced with wholly supporting myself again was a second mountain, and facing it from the bottom was particularly excruciating. nothing pumps the brakes on managing stress like scrounging the floor of Maslow's pyramid. but i'm past that now, too, and just like with my first climb it required help from several sources before i could become self sufficient again. but i did do it. so if you or a reader ever faces a situation like that, it's not impossible to survive. like you said, dedication and work, but also reaching out, and waiting. it can be a lot of agonizing waiting... and i advise diversifying your creative outlets on that note. it helps me to bounce around different hobbies hahaha. i lost where i was going with this again

i'm still drawing, still making things and trying. i dont think 'success' is quite where i am... i write a chapter a week for 'DWARF IN A HOLE' and i'm up to like 38, and i revise the hell out of it, and i hope that goes somewhere. im working on visual novels plural, revising 'GYNOGENESIS' so the script is less... well it's certainly the result of an unedited 16 day marathon lol. 'STUDIO HOOP' has gained new members for its next project and it's the director's dream so i'm going to do my best to not let her down. i practice DJing often and try to throw fun live shows on twitch but my headset and speakers both fell dead so... well anyway i work on my website 'WWW.APROXM.COM' when i find time and it has a lot of new pages and is a cool archival for very embarrassing past work. but it's cool to see a distance crossed from that--that's the intention anyway. and drawing, i'm still drawing, actually mostly with dollar store ink pens these days--ease of access at work. really just abstract shapes and simple crap like that. let's finish this ask out on some samples

i'll set up a trad blog at some point cuz i dont really want to shit this one up with these--there's dozens, seriously. ok well anyway thanks for the ask and the opportunity to type some things. i'm going for a walk

[domjaehyun]

is there a date for the boy is mine!! OR ARE WE GONNA HAVE TO LIVE IN CONSTANT ANTICIPATION I’LL SET A TIMER AND EVERYTHING IF I NEED TO

I WISH I HAD A DATE SET. :/ I’M HOBBLING THROUGH THE LAST TWO SCENES AS WE SPEAK SO PRAY FOR ME THAT I FINISH THEM SOON !!!! imma try and figure this out:

if i finish the last two scenes by sunday, then i can start editing. my editing process involves three read throughs where i make changes and stuff, and tbh i’m gonna be optimistic and assume i can get through the first and second read throughs on the next 2 days i’m off (tue/wed so jul. 2 & 3) ………… okay i consulted my dear friend who is going to beta read for me and TO ERR ON THE SAFE SIDE: assume it’ll take 5 days for her to beta (note: she said 3 but i’m adding buffer time so she doesn’t feel stressed) AND THEN I GUESS I’LL MAKE THE LAST EDITS REAL FAST LIKE ON MY NEXT DAYS OFF?

im tentatively saying end of july like around the 22nd to the 26th maybe? july 31 at the absolute latest. if it’s done earlier that’d be a miracle frankly BUT below is a rough timeline if you were curious (you’re prob not but guess what? i am. hehe)

july 1 ideally, first draft complete

july 2–3 first and second read throughs & rounds of editing complete

july 9-10 deadline for 3rd and final read through before i send it off to be beta read :3

july 11-16 my lovely beta reader will be reading the fic and Doing Her Thang :D

july 16-17 final read through and round of editing

july 22-23 ideal post day if i can’t manage to get it out during the week when i work

july 31 absolute latest day i want to post it (but like . please lord let it be finished earlier)

[kaladinsspear]

Diary entry featuring thoughts on burnout and burnout recovery. Feel free to read or give your thoughts if you want, but its probably not that interesting to most people. ^_^

I have been very frustrated with myself lately. I have always been a relatively disciplined and internally motivated person, but lately it feels like my willpower just doesn't exist. I have slept past my alarm and been late for work, gotten distracted by my phone and added hours to my work day, missed assignment deadlines and blew off assigned reading at school, let my room become a mess, missed doctor appointments, eaten a stupid amount of sugar, ect. Its honestly embarrassing, and I've been really angry with myself.

I just saw a post talking about how a freelance worker structures their day and enforces breaks for things like yoga, nutritious meals, and walking. They build vacation days into their schedule, and they do not work on weekends. The poster said that when they first started working freelance, the worked so much that they burnt out, and are only just now starting to regain a measure of the productivity that they lost.

Reading that post gave me an epiphany: I'm burnt the fuck out and it makes sense that I'm struggling to be productive. I have spent the last 4 years (at least) in a state of near panic trying to manage the amount of work I had to do. I was getting up at 5:30, going to bed at 10:30/11:00 and pushing pushing pushing every minuite inbetween. I got to sleep in until 9:00 on the weekends, and that was the extent my break.

I guess the post just made me realize that burnout requires recovery, and that recovery takes longer than a few weeks or even a few months. I might be in a much better place, but it it took me years to get here, it is going to take more than a few months to recover.

In light of this epiphany, I'm going to stop stressing about it so much. Its summer, which means that I have from sunrise until sunset to get my work done, and the pools are mostly clean. I'm going to try to get distracted as little as possible, but im not going to be mad at myself for struggling to stay on task. Extra long work days are irritating, but it wont effect my paycheck and it wont effect my reputation in the company. I'm not going to go back to school full time. I have to keep going because if I stop I have to start paying student loans, but I'm going to accept that it will take me an extra couple years to graduate and stick with 2 classes a semester instead of 4.

I'm not going to change what I'm doing all that much, but I'm going to show myself a little more forgivenes and grace and trust that I am a responsible and disciplined person, that that those parts of my personality will reassert themselves when I have recovered enough for them to do so. In the mean time, my job is to find support structures to keep my life together, and cultivate an environment which allows me to grow.

[rollercoasterwords]

I've heard of ppl complaining about ur writing speed and posting schedule but it's honestly ridiculous. like you actually write insanely fast. it is incredible that you have managed to write over 150,000 words (in very high quality writing might I add 🫶) in like 10 months !!

thank u lol honestly i feel like i’ve had relatively little bs 2 deal w compared 2 the flack i’ve seen some other fic writers get etc but i have def like. had conversations w some other fic writers abt how strange it feels 2 get people immediately commenting on chs like “when will the next ch be out?” or sending messages etc asking abt posting schedules…idk i have conflicted feelings bc on the one hand im like well maybe i just did this 2 myself by having unusually fast & consistent posting schedules at various points w past fics but on the other hand i do try 2 make it v clear when like. my posting is gonna slow down…& also i v much do not think it should be considered standard 4 people 2 be updating wips weekly or monthly etc like when i was writing a fic 4 a different fandom before i joined this one i took like a four month break in the middle of posting w no warning & no one complained abt it lol.

& it’s also like. i do understand that none of those comments/messages etc r ill intended & usually people will tack on a little ‘no pressure!’ but unfortunately i am going 2 pressure myself regardless…which i have had 2 actively work on bc i was like. i cannot keep stressing myself out over arbitrary deadlines i set for something that’s supposed 2 be a hobby!! so i might just be extra sensitive abt it now & if one of those messages catches me on a day where im stressed abt other stuff etc (frequent occurrence recently lol) then like. no matter how nicely it’s phrased it still doesn’t feel nice. & i understand wanting 2 know but i also don’t think u should read a wip unless ur actually prepared 2 a) deal w the story however it goes [separate complaint that i’ve been discussing w my fic writing friends lmao] and b) wait however long it takes 4 chs w no expectations abt regularly-scheduled posting. so!

anyway not sure 2 what extent this is like a new phenomenon or expectations have actually changed…one friend who’s been like. writing fic way longer than i have told me they do feel like there’s been a sort of shift across various fandoms w this new expectation that fic writers r posting regularly quickly & consistently. like maybe bc fic has become more ‘mainstream’ etc there are an influx of people who r bringing in new standards that sort of echo what they’d expect 4 other forms of media but like. when u take a step back & think abt it it’s a little wild 2 want or expect some random guy 2 be providing u w weekly entertainment for free…have seen a few people being like “ugh we need a new big wip that everyone’s reading & talking abt” & im like. oh so u want someone 2 kill themself lmao like everyone i know who’s had their fic treated like the fandom’s ~tv show~ that they tune in for every week has had a horrible horrible time lol

[wttcsms]

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

[spacesymbol]

holy shit almost a month since the last update wow. ermmm hey guys... i think everyone here knows the drill by now.... updates!!!!

unlike last time, i have a total of zero tumblr-specific updates... so i'm gonna skip right to personal updates!!!

college. whew boy. yep!!! okay but seriously... i do now have my final applying list, and i think im happy with it? the only things i have left to do are supplements, additional information, and my final personal statement draft. theres some additional details to work out with financial aid, srar, and sat scores... but thats not like, actual work, you know?

the specific titles of programs differ between schools, but generally my plan is to major in astrophysics and minor in creative writing. conceptually, college is very exciting to me but right now i am super stressed since i have five (six if you count the one with a rolling deadline that im supposed to submit asap) early november application deadlines...!!! keep in mind that im only applying to eight colleges total. so thats like 3/4 of my applications due in ~2 weeks....!!!!!!!

uhhh what else. school is generally fine! my courses have been manageable, my social issues are Still Issues, and the play has been going mostly fine....!!!!!

in terms of like, Personal personal updates, ive been trying to research and sort stuff out in terms of physical disabilities and system/plurality... and obviously ive been talking to doctors and therapists as well, but so far nothing definitive or conclusive. ill update once im more sure of things though!!

idk man i have Not Been Doing Well mentally lately, hence the lack of updates for a month. stress has REALLY gotten to me and for the past month or so ive either been in the severe depression + passive suicidal ideation trenches or living with the constant anxiety level of a prey animal being hunted for sport daily

but yeah since ive Been Doing Badly, i havent really been as attached to any of my usual interests. i havent really developed any new ones either!!! my bad. regularly scheduled autism will hopefully resume soon!!!!

i... think thats it for me? my dads been annoying and so has my ex but what else is new???

ideally posting here will become more regular once the early november college deadlines subside.... since theres no huge college deadlines after that until around early january. but worst case scenario is probably monthly updates... i mean obviously i could just like go off the grid and neglect this account for months, but monthly updates is the realistic worst case scenario!!

[dogcollarpunk]

just came off a stressful 2 weeks of working on an animatic and jumping straight into another stressful 2 weeks bc of summative deadlines but look at my lil guys im working on rn

[notcatherinemorland]

we've had first vent this week, but what about second vent?

so i was, admittedly, fully in my feels n beating myself up for it. but 1) I have had too much therapy to do that any more. 2) I put said therapy into practice and made a list of all the shit I was feeling overwhelmed by and like. yeah ok it tracks.

2 deaths in the family, both of them my parents best friends who they had known their entire adult lives. my meds have stopped working and I'm waiting to increase the dose. i'm waiting because I have massive deadlines that i'm scared to the back teeth of, I've got a silly little crush which is not like, up there with the deaths of two of the kindest people I've ever known, but it is, indeed, a source of stress. I've done no art in 3 weeks because of this stress after indulging in it for 2 months, I've not left the house in 4 days, i'm cooking, which I abhor, and most of all 2 people I've loved my whole entire life are gone. also like, I can't walk up and down the stairs more than once a day 4/7 days a week. and im poor because I cant work because I cant walk and I had to try explain to my dad that I cant walk without a cane anymore. & i'm grieving the fact that I cant indulge in my favourite hobby maybe ever again (walking for 8 hours around a new city).

so uh. forgive me my acting out/venting/not replying/etc. Its been a long month.

[superaznchick]

life update #16

ive been meaning to sit down and rant for the past few days so im finally just doing it now

idk how to best articulate this but i think what im feeling right now is maybe some sadness that i've grown up.

i realized this at work this week, where everything's been piling up with multiple things going on at the same time, and me being in the center of it with little support. i was definitely stressed at first but in the moment i felt so serene navigating the whole thing. like, i remained relaxed and not anxious, most of my moodiness was just from being annoyed that the deadlines were coming up so soon instead of properly spread out

and i think this is what's triggering my weird lingering sadness. even rereading some of my previous life updates my brain has always been soaked in anxiety, sometimes for no reason. but i'm so different now. if this were my situation just 2 years ago i'd probably be having panic attacks

i think growing up is a bittersweet thing, because you see that things aren't so bad. but then, you also see, like yeah. things were never that bad. they were only bad for reasons irrelevant to your higher purpose. but then that makes me feel sad for all that time lost, like oh, i could have been living like this the entire time, so all those past years spent bumbling around with all my anxiety and missing all those opportunities were just years scattered in the wind i guess

when you grow up you also lose a bit of magic i suppose. you've been around long enough to see how most things work, and will unfortunately start to be right a lot more of the time just due to sheer experience of watching things play out. you can still be wrong, but if you're aware and reflect often, things don't come as much of a surprise anymore. hence less anxiety, but also less magic

magic can be created though. it's just a lot more intentional, and requires conscious effort. like yes, i will be spending 3 hours tonight consciously putting effort into my hobbies and getting the magical result i desire. sometimes i succeed and sometimes i fail. magic is a choice, and i have to choose to participate in it every day

i have mixed feelings about all of this, but overall i think it leans towards the positive. being in the driver seat of your life is exhausting and sometimes gives little reward, but the times that you are rewarded feels so just and deserved. and it humbles you. like yes i found great success, but i've also found great failure. sometimes success is predictable because you're doing the calculations, not leaving the result to fate. you are backstage handling the props now, not on the other side watching the show. you wrote the script, and you know how it ends.