#my cat is here with me. i love her. anyway vent incoming 3 2 1 go

[mxwhore]

my bitterness is all consuming

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[davidbramsey]

Mr. Too nice for my own good

I'm new to tumblr. I have ALOT of stress and need to vent. I got married back in September and started a new job. My old job was the ball cheese of bullshit. I worked for pizza hut for 11 years, became a manager and was only making $10.50/hr. After 11 fucking years. Some shady shit went down while I was ON MY HONEYMOON and I got thrown under the bus. I was done with the shit anyways so fuck them. Got a job as a line cook for IHOP. STARTED at $11/hr went to $11.50 after 30 days. I've been there since November, so about 9 months, and I'm already at $11.75. 2 raises in less than a year and about to hit $12 in 2-3 months. Here comes the venting, I work 35-40 hrs a week, make 750-800 or more every two weeks. As apposed to 350-500 at pizza fuck if I was lucky. Here's the downside to being an IHOP line cook. The one I work at has no air conditioning in the kitchen area. I work 8-10 hrs a day in stagnant heat sometimes more on fridays, drenched in sweat, listening to drunk idiots. I do get to work with some cute af waitresses though. They try to make our jobs a little easier by getting us drinks and some flirt with us. Lol. My wife knows this and doesn't care. Now, my wife is bisexual. And has a girlfriend. Doesn't bother me. I forgot to mention my wife and I have an open relationship/marriage. She doesn't care If i get a girlfriend. But I'm only EVER at work or home. I don't go out for a few reasons. 1) I've always been somewhat shy around new people which fucking sad seeing how I'm 32 fucking years old. 2) When I'm not working I like to sleep and not go anywhere. I want to just relax at home. 3) My wife has my bank card so she can budget bills because I suck at budgeting (at least that's what she says. She doesn't let me do it.) So when I get paid she basically gets it. Even if that weren't the case, all my money goes to bills and food and shit. So I never have money to do shit. And on the rare occasions where there's nothing coming out of one of my checks, it's gone in a fucking day for cigarettes and things outside of needs (basically splurges). That's fine I don't buy much for me anyway. But when I come home from working in pure grill heat and sweat all day I would like to come home get a shower and do something every hardworking man with a woman wants to do AND FUCK! Relieve stress and tension. A blowjob would be fine. Hell, even a handjob. Nope, my wife has no sex drive. At least not for me, the one she's married to. She loves me of that I have no doubt. But, I found out that her and her girlfriend, who lives with us by the way, are having sex. There's six of us in a 3bed/2bath house. Me and my wife, her girlfriend and her (the girlfriend) brother, who is gay has a boyfriend, my mother-in-law, who has a boyfriend, and my wife's grandmother. Literally everyone has someone that's giving them some kind of action. Everyone that is, except me. The ONLY PERSON in the house with a fucking job has to come home and bust his own fucking nut. Because my wife's girlfriend will get upset and jealous if I show affection to MY FUCKING WIFE!!! If I tell my wife I love her, which I still do, she gets jealous. If I give my wife a kiss on the head or the cheek, she gets jealous. I dont even look forward to coming home anymore. I know I should take my bank card and all of my shit and find a place just for me and my dog and cat. But my car is the only mode of transportation to get anywhere, mainly doctors appointments, and I don't want to just up and leave. My checks are the biggest part of the monthly income. About 3500 in total between me, her moms social security, and her grandmothers disability and pension. I just dont know what the fuck to do. Like I said I dont go out. I never have money to. And how would I explain that I'm married but it's an open marriage to a woman without them getting creeped out? I had to vent to someone or something. The point of my rambling vent is I NEED SOME BOMBASS PUSSY THAT WILL SUBMIT TO MY EVERY DESIRE AND FANTASY!

[paulyrhythmics]

New Years Rant

So it is the new year, the first day has passed it’s been a pretty chill yet somber start.

So I guess I should start off with saying that 2016 was just about the most trying year of my life... thus far. I went through so many emotions & have felt the lowest I never even thought I could even feel. 

Just starting out I was dealing with feelings of rejection from my ex from the previous year & when she finally broke things off between us the night before her birthday I kinda felt a sense of relief that I no longer had to feel like I was trying too hard to make her notice I was still alive & I was happy knowing that I could still be a friend to her, but given my nature I was still incredibly attached to her. 

Fast forward a couple of months to April & I was super excited that I got to play my first show at my favorite venue as my own solo project & was elated to hear so much positive response from those whom attended. All the fruits of my labor had paid off & it was incredibly satisfying.

However not too long after that was when shit started really going downhill... I found out that my ex had been seeing someone else... & was supposed to be spending their 2 year anniversary in July... I was completely devastated. I went to my friend for consultation, who (unfortunately) went to his friend... & eventually the other guy found out. 

When I finally talked to her she was upset with me & shut me & my friend out. It was an agonizing feeling not having proper closure. I’m the kind of person who likes having that sense of peace with things & this is now just a loose end in my life that’ll unfortunately never be tied... Also I’ll never get to see our cat again which super sucks since she also was expecting a litter when we broke up that I’ll never get to meet... 😕

Well, the main effect of all the drama was I went into the hardest state of anxiety/depression of my life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone & I’d never be able to find love again & it was hard for me to function properly for a while... About a month later though, I was able to feel like my life had meaning again when I started seeing a friend that I had been flirting with prior to the drama. 

I was still dealing with my conflicting feelings with my ex but I was still happy that I had found someone new & who was so supportive to me. I was able to find the motivation to work on my other passion in music & played yet another great show at my favorite venue (as myself & back-up for my other friend’s project) & received a lot of positive reinforcement from family & friends during the time. 

The next few months during the summer/fall seasons were a great adventure. I spent a lot of time feeling in love again. There was lots of trial & error in both my relationship & with my music. I was discovering what it is that I needed to do to make things work for me, & to help her grow as well. I got to hang with a lot of good friends, I got to meet a lot of great new people, saw a few amazing live artists (not as much as I’d’ve liked tho tbh) & even got to experience the world of LARPing, which is something I said I’d never do before lol

The only downside during this time was I still had those unresolved feelings of my ex floating in the back of my mind & I was also kinda dealing with a newfound feeling of jealousy for one of my partner’s friends. They were former lovers & it felt like maybe they were a better match for each other sometimes... But I kept that bottled up inside since there didn’t seem a reason to make things awkward between us.

Unfortunately things started slowing down between the 2 of us & we eventually parted ways a little after Thanksgiving. There’s no hard feelings & we can still talk a bit, which makes me happy (though it does feel a bit one sided sometimes haha but it’s cool I know she’s working hard on bettering herself as a person) 

It’s been pretty lonely as of late, I find myself feeling a great need to display affection towards someone who isn’t there. But it’s as they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, maybe I’ll find someone new in this upcoming year. Though I find myself in a kind of mindset that I kinda don’t want to be in a “relationship” but maybe have a FWB sort of thing going on. I dunno, we’ll see where that takes us... (suddenly I’m speaking in the royal we for some reason lol) 

Lately a lot of venues have been closing or on the verge of closing & my favorite venue was no exception... I had a bittersweet farewell to the venue at the first of the last 3 shows there a few weeks back. It’s been kind of heartbreaking see a place that holds so many memories for so many people go away. It’s where I used to hang with my friends & ex all the time & it’s the last place I played live at too. I have both good & bad memories in there & I’ll cherish them all for as long as I live.  

The end of the year has been spent pretty great however. I’ve been hanging out in AZ since that last show with my family for the past few weeks. I’ve had a pretty fun musical experience. Drum classes, jazz band jams, Music Instrument Museum, & a Snoop Dogg/Bone Thugs n Harmony concert have been highlights of the passing year. I‘ve been eating just about the best I could ever have (haha thanks mom) & I’ve gone mountain hiking 2x too.

Actual new years passed by pretty smoothly. I ate a whole large pizza by myself (all for the sake of a joke) had the traditional grapes mom & I eat (a custom from our trip to Spain when I was a kid). Kinda had a bit of a cry to myself as I reflected the hardships & loneliness I’ve felt this past year. During the day I just chilled at home, played a little guitar & Kindom Hearts Unchainedx, did some laundry, listened to some music & watched stuff on Netflix.

A little while ago, against better judgment & for old times sake I scrolled through my first ex’s fb. (I know, you’re an absolute creep man!) She’s going on a trip to Europe which is cool, I’m glad that he’s doing well for herself & I find it funny that I’ll also be going on a big trip out to Central America this year. Apparently she actually was at the old hang out spot a few days before I was there for a show (despite saying she’d never go there again a few months prior) I find it funny that had I known about the show on that day & we had crossed paths... well who knows what could have happened??? lol Also she made a post about her year & mentioned that she had ended 2 shitty relationships & stopped a few friendships. I’m curious as to weather if she even considers me to be 1 of those relationships (since I believe she was with someone else before her current relationship) or if I’m just one of the “friends” & doesn’t even acknowledge me in that regard. 

I know people always saying don’t check in on others who don’t give a shit about you, but honestly, it makes me feel better knowing that people I’ve interacted with are doing well even if it’s without me in their life. I like the feeling that at one point in their life I was a part of their reality & it helped push them to where they’re at in the now for the better.

Well anyways I just felt like venting shit here again. I’ve been through a lot from 2 relationships to 2 grand musical performances (let’s not even talk about all the political bs that transpired haha) I’ve just gotta figure out what it is that I need to do this year to mature & become more adult-like. Gotta finally start thinking about learning to drive, going back to school &/or finding a stable source of income. *shudders* I guess I need to become a functioning member of society & the kind of person that can help someone I care about in any sort of situation (like help pay for things or whatever). Here’s hoping that this year will be one of great personal growth for the better!~ 

(Hopefully this isn’t too naive of a notion lol)