#my budget will take a HARD hit paying all this rent by myself

[lesbiansanemi]

I’m also realizing the reason my kitties are so unsettled and lashing out more often is partially my fault. It is definitely because of the new guy and the goddamn dog that got moved in (esp cuz one of my cats has past trauma with dogs and when I got her it was with the assumption she would never have to live with dogs again) but it’s also because I’m not giving them as much attention. I used to be out in the living room/kitchen with them for at least 4-5 hours after work every day, petting them, playing with them, letting them sit next to me on the couch cuz neither were big on lap cuddles. And now because I hate being in the main apartment anymore I never do that…. They’re upset because I’m not giving them as much attention anymore and they don’t know why, I feel so bad but also idk what to doooo 😭😭😭

[ceasarslegion]

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

[sadlypathetic11]

Journal Entry #1

A PEEK INTO MY THOUGHTS

Let me begin by telling you that I’m on the verge of a meltdown. All the tensions and emotions bottled up since my last one are showing signs of being wanted to let out. My last one, I couldn’t even remember. I’ve always been like this; keeping everything to myself until I can’t take it anymore. I don’t even understand how I’m still sane with all the intrusive thoughts inside my brain. Or I’m probably not. Maybe everyone thinks I’m crazy, maybe they don’t, or maybe they just don’t care at all and I’m just an assuming loser.

But why am I about to break down? I think the disappointments in myself have been growing and growing ever since the world began. I keep telling myself, “You need to grow,” and all that stuff but I don’t think I am or I ever will. I’m too scared for that. I just want to stay in my comfort zone, for my peace of mind. But my comfort zone doesn’t get me anywhere, and I hate that I know that. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why can’t I be just like everyone else who seems to have gotten their shits together? And people younger than me! (It’s funny my brain tells me to stop comparing myself to others.)

But let’s be honest, I’m 26, barely employed at a barely livable salary, recently single for reasons I’m still trying to comprehend though I’m the one who broke it off, literally achieved nothing other than finishing school and earning professional licenses that I don’t even know how to use. I’m close to 30 and I still live with my family, too tired to cook my own meal or wash my own clothes, too scared to do things on my own. Hell, I just tried ordering food online earlier today and it took me forever to hit that “Place Order” button just for the anxiety of it.

Meanwhile, if you look at the social media posts of people I used to go to school with or former workmates or just people within my age range, it’s too hard not to compare myself to them. I just deactivated my Facebook because it wasn’t healthy for me anymore. They seem to have decent jobs with probably decent pay that every month they get to go on these travel sprees or just have food parties every freaking day. And I wonder why can’t I do that? Why don’t I have the spare money to experience these luxuries? I mean, I’m also working but why don’t I get to enjoy life?

Oh yeah I forgot, I’m mostly the only one working for the family. That’s probably it. I’ve already gotten used to getting messages from everyone in the family: I need this. I need that. Pay for this. Give me this. Give me that. There are times when I just ignore them. But only when I really have nothing to give anymore. Thankfully, there’s my aunt who’s in the province (we’re in the city) who pays for my family’s rent for the apartment. And my grandmother also hustles as a nanny and that pays the electric and water bill. So I’m in charge of their daily budget and it pains me that I can only give them P1000 per week since I have bills of my own: my dorm rent (since my workplace is far from the apartment so I have to rent as well), a life insurance, internet, my sister’s phone since she “lost” hers so I bought her one, and my own daily budget.

It’s not that I’m complaining, I just want them to understand that I can’t give them everything. My grandmother always has these luxurious thoughts in mind. If she could, I think she’d want to travel to our province and back every now and then. She’d buy every appliance she could think of. How do I know? Well, she passive-aggressively says stuff. Compare her life to her friends’ lives. And I’d just pretend I couldn’t hear, or if I can’t listen to her talk anymore, I’d scream at her. Kinda disrespectful, I know. But she’s provoking me and my insecurities that I’m trying really hard to work on.

My grandmother and grandfather on the father’s side were the ones who raised me since my mother died shortly after giving birth to me. (Where was my father? We’ll get to that I hope.) I felt loved and cared for, but too much, I realized now. I remember them giving me everything I wanted without hesitation like toys or food. I remember them being overprotective of me like when there was a disagreement with playmates they were always to the rescue. Maybe that’s also a reason why I grew up very dependent on them. And a part of me blames them for that.

They were also too proud of me. I was an achiever back in elementary school. I was always the top student from the first to sixth grade. I was the school representative for various competitions but I didn’t really get to regional levels due to lack of training, I guess. Or maybe I was just delusional to believe I had what it takes to reach the end of the competitions. Anyway, I ended up being the valedictorian with probably thirteen medals I couldn’t even remember what for. And throughout my elementary days, I would always hear them say I am their hope of raising them from the hell they were living in. Imagine hearing that every time. At some point, you would start to believe it as well.

I got into a good high school and university, thinking that would land me a good job. That hopefully companies would fight over me since literally every one who knew I went there said so. But when I graduated (without any honorary award), there were no calls. And I’m like, “That’s disappointing. Now what?” And I spent six months just trying to pretend I didn’t need to work. That I’m taking my time, because life is not a race and all that bullshit. But the bills weren’t waiting for me. So it definitely was a race.

And it was during this time of unemployment that I started getting disappointed in myself. I was also disappointed in myself when I was studying, but at least there was an opportunity to redeem myself during the next exam, during the final grade or whatever. After graduation, the only way to redeem myself is to get a job. It gave me a lot of anxiety, all the interviews that didn’t progress, the questions I wasn’t prepared for, applying for jobs completely unrelated to my course but still couldn’t get in. I was like, “Shit. Something’s probably wrong with me.” I wouldn’t even probably get hired to clean the toilets!

I ended up getting a job. Minimum wage. Pretending to be thankful but feeling deflated that my six years of tertiary education only led me to a minimum wage job. I felt like I wasted six freaking years of my life. But still, my image was a carefree and always happy person, so I had to pretend I was happy with my salary. My family was not though. So, I just tell them I love what I was doing (I did, actually) and just to support me. But really, I didn’t want to go through the process of getting rejected again and again. I ended up lasting three years there (I have stories to tell from when I was there).

I’ve only been three months in my new job and I already want to leave. I’m not enjoying what I’m doing, dealing with a lot of people every day but the salary is not that very different from my previous one. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t left. But there’s more to it than the salary and we’ll get to that pretty soon. For now, I want to let it out that I don’t want to settle for less. But I’m too cowardly to make a move. And I hate myself for that.

God, I don’t even know what move to make. My grandmother’s always putting this idea in my head to work overseas. Hell, I can barely live within 2 hours away. What more when I can’t even visit once a month, a year? I know I just need to be confident but is there a manual for that? I’m too tired of being scared. I’m too tired of pretending to be content with what I got. I’m too mentally tired to take on all the pressure of being a breadwinner.

If I could just disappear for a moment and not think about all my disappointments and anxieties, that would be great. But you can’t, I can’t. Life throws shit at you and it’s up to you what to do with it: dodge, get hit, or throw it back. And right now, I’m feeling very shitty after all the beating I got. I want to learn how to fight back and rise. I want the day to come when I can tell myself, “I’m proud of you.” And I hope I get to write something about that soon.

[kerikaaria]

If I Never Met You: Chapter 13

(??? X Reader) Idol!AU, Manager!Reader

Genre: (PG13) Fluff

WC: 2.4k

Warnings: None

Series Masterlist

Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14

The following days blurred together, all passing along in a similar way. The boys working hard on their album, Sejin and I working on trying to get more exposure for them, me occasionally making some time to attend one of their practices, and being able to eat meals with the boys here and there so we could catch up.

Whenever I was at the company, I was too busy and preoccupied to notice if people were talking about me and hadn’t had anymore run-ins with that rude woman (whose name I still didn’t know), which was definitely preferable for me. Before I knew it, it was April and the boys were all but ready to debut. Although, they still practiced hard every day to make sure they were perfect with everything.

I started to feel anxious about when we’d finally get a broadcasting company to give us a call and say they could debut on their music show, but we didn’t have any luck yet. Sejin didn’t show it very much, but I thought he was getting antsy about it too.

By this time I was starting to really feel homesick and miss my family, but I didn’t have enough money to pay for plane tickets. While I did of course get paid and didn’t need to pay rent yet, I found myself using a lot of my paycheck on the boys too. Because the company only had so much money they could spare for them, they often paid for things out of their own pockets from the money their parents sent them. So I would frequently buy groceries for them and anything else they needed whenever I could to help.

I had a day off where I was supposed to take the day to just relax. But to be honest, sitting at home alone was really boring. So here I was, watching as the boys were working on perfecting the dance for We Are Bulletproof Pt. 2 for the millionth time. They finally decided to take a break, completely worn out and collapsing to the floor.

“I literally didn’t sign up for this,” Suga said in between breaths. “I was told I didn’t need to dance.”

“That was back when we were supposed to be strictly a rap group, hyung,” Namjoon responded.

“But I still didn’t sign up for this,” Yoongi reiterated.

I walked over to start delivering water bottles to each of the exhausted boys so they didn’t need to get up.

“How does it look, noona?” Hobi asked.

“I think it looks amazing,” I responded with a big smile. “You know I’m not a dance expert but you guys are so impressive. Including you,” I said as I lightly tapped Yoongi with the tip of my shoe.

“Do you think it’s good enough to perform on stage?” Jimin asked.

“More than enough!” I confirmed. “I have watched a lot of groups’ performances and you guys are definitely more than cut out for it.”

My phone started ringing from my bag that was sitting on the floor, so I walked over to answer. It was a number I didn’t recognize. “Hello?” I answered.

“Hello. Is this (Y/n) from Big Hit Entertainment?” the caller asked.

“Yes, it is,” I responded, somewhat surprised. It was the first time I got a call relating to work. “How can I help you?”

The woman said she was calling from one of the broadcasting stations that we’ve been visiting every now and then for the last two months. When I heard that, my heart started racing and I looked over at the boys who were still collapsed on the floor, but were all watching me with curious eyes.

“I was calling to let you know that we would be happy to debut your group, BTS,” the caller said. “We could put them in for June 13th.”

My face lit up. That sounded perfect. We still needed to film the music videos and do the photo shoots for the album, but based on what I knew we could definitely get that done within two months. “Yes, that sounds great!” I finally managed to respond, a smile taking over my face.

“Wonderful. I’ll put them into our schedule for a debut showcase that day. I’ll be in touch for us to work on more details later.”

“Yes, thank you so much!” I said and we said goodbye before hanging up.

“Who was that, (Y/n)?” Seokjin asked. “Why do you look so happy?”

“Guys!” I said, rushing back over to them and almost slipping from stopping so suddenly. “It looks like we got a debut date for you!”

“Really?!” they all asked at once.

“Yes!” I confirmed. “They said they can fit you in on June 13th.”

“You’re not joking, right?” Namjoon asked.

“Why on earth would I be joking about something like this?” I responded. “Of course I’m not!”

The boys who were so exhausted they could barely stand just a moment ago were now full of energy from excitement. Next thing I knew, I was getting attacked with hugs from Jimin and Jungkook, and the rest of them soon followed to create a big group hug.

I felt Jungkook shaking so I looked at him to see he had tears in his eyes. “Jungkook, why are you crying?” I asked him, stroking his hair.

“I’m just so happy that our hard work is going to pay off,” he responded in between sniffles.

“Yah, don’t cry,” Jimin said. “You’re going to make the rest of us start crying.”

Everyone was silent for a moment except for a couple sniffles here and there, not just from Jungkook but a few of the others as well.

“Alright!” Hoseok finally interrupted the moment. “We know we have a debut coming soon, so we better make sure we’re flawless. Let’s go!”

Everyone agreed, and went back to practice both of their songs with their renewed energy while I exited the room to call Sejin and tell him the good news.

We had to communicate with the company a bit more to confirm things had been arranged and then we were set to go. The next couple of weeks were jam-packed with work. Now that a show agreed to showcase their debut, we needed to get the other stations to schedule them into their shows in the days afterward – which was a lot easier to get them to agree to than the debut stage itself. And we needed to work with others in the company to get everything regarding their music videos and photoshoots scheduled and arranged.

While two months was enough time to arrange everything, we had to make sure it all moved both as quickly and as smoothly as possible. Because of that Sejin and I were busier than ever, and I only got to see the boys once in a while.

In the midst of working on preparations, Bang PD-nim asked me to pay him a visit to his office. When I got there, I found all seven members of BTS there as well, standing to fit into the space that became a little cramped when there were so many people in it.

“Hello, PD-nim,” I greeted with a smile.

“Hello, (Y/n),” he replied. “I’m glad you had a moment to spare in your busy schedule.”

“Of course, PD-nim. I always have time for you,” I responded with a slight bow.

He chuckled. “Glad to hear it.”

I felt a tug on my arm, and looked to see Jimin pulling me towards him and the others, soon wrapping me in a hug.

“So first I want to apologize for asking so many of you to be in my office at once,” PD-nim said. “But it’s just easier to have to say this only once. I called you all here because I have a surprise for you.”

I saw curious and excited reactions from the boys around me, and I was definitely curious myself. But we all stayed silent as we waited for him to elaborate.

“I apologize for not being able to offer more of a budget to you guys up to this point,” PD-nim continued. “I know you understand our financial situation, but that doesn’t make it any less hard. So, even though it may not be a huge improvement, I was able to work out a slightly more comfortable accommodation for you all.”

“We’re moving?” Namjoon asked, sounding excited.

PD-nim chuckled. “Yes. You’re moving.”

Various cheers rang out from the boys, and I couldn’t stop from smiling at the great news.

“Again, it’s not a huge improvement, but it is an improvement nonetheless,” Mr. Bang reiterated. “Hopefully, it won’t be too long before we can start doing even better,” he added with a smile.

“So am I moving too?” I asked.

“Yes. I still want you close to the boys. So you’ll be in the apartment across the hall from theirs. And in case you’re wondering, yes it is with the same arrangement we currently have.”

“Alright, sounds great,” I replied. “When is the move?”

“We’ll be getting you guys moved on May 12th.”

“Wait, can some of us live with noona?” Jungkook asked.

“Jungkook!” I responded. “We’ve already been through this.”

“While I’m sorry that she gets a place to herself while you seven share, I’m sorry but that’s not possible,” PD-nim backed me up. “Just imagine the headlines when the press inevitably finds out some of you are living with a girl.”

Jungkook frowned, but seemed to understand as he nodded.

We all left excited and happy that they were going to have some more space to themselves. I didn’t care too much about my personal space, since I was just one person and I didn’t need a lot of room. I hoped the place I was moving to was a bit smaller in size and cheaper so he was able to spend more money on the boys’ accommodations.

Despite the awesome news, of course the following days were still the same, just as busy as ever in preparing for the boys’ debut. A few days later, Sejin and I were in the middle of a meeting to finalize their wardrobe (some of which I had a lot of questions about but my opinions were shut down rather harshly) when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Seeing that it was the woman from the broadcast station for their debut, I excused myself to take the call.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hello, (Y/n)-shi.” She replied. “I called because I had something to tell you.”

“Yes, of course,” I responded. “What do you need?”

I could hear her sigh. “My boss told me that we can’t debut your group.”

My heart sank. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” I hoped that I heard her wrong.

“I’m sorry to tell you, but when he looked over the upcoming schedule, he told me to tell you we can’t debut BTS,” she restated. “He said your company is too small and we shouldn’t waste time doing a stage for a group that probably isn’t going to get any attention.”

It took me a moment to gather my words. “Please, is there any way we can change his mind?”

“I already tried. I feel bad having to go back on it after I already told you we could, but he really wasn’t changing his mind.”

“I’ll do anything I can to keep them on the schedule. Please,” I practically begged.

“I’m really sorry but there isn’t anything I can do for you. Goodbye.”

Before I could get another word in she hung up the call. I immediately tried calling her back, but of course she didn’t answer. I felt like curling up in a ball and bursting into tears right then and there. But I couldn’t. I had a meeting to go back to, so my emotions would have to wait. I composed myself as much as I could and re-entered the meeting room.

After it was over, Sejin and I walked back to our office. Oppa closed the door and asked me, “Who was it that called you?”

“It was the broadcasting station that said they’d debut BTS,” I replied quietly.

“What did they need?” He asked since I didn’t continue.

“She…” I started, but I really didn’t know how to say it. I closed my eyes and tried to keep the tears I felt stinging behind them from forming. “She said they can’t debut them anymore.”

Sejin was silent for a moment. “Are you sure that’s what she said?”

“Yes. I couldn’t believe it at first so I asked for clarification. She said her boss said they can’t debut them because of our company being small and we can’t promise their success.”

It made me jump when I heard Sejin slam a fist onto the desk. “This has to be a joke,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “We’ve been preparing for a few weeks, already have multiple schedules set for their debut, and they’re going back on it now?”

I just stood there with my head hung low. “I’m sorry, oppa. I’ll take full responsibility for whatever needs to be done.”

“Don’t apologize.” He almost sounded angry, which made me quickly look up at him. “And you don’t need to take responsibility for anything. This isn’t your fault. Don’t you dare think it is.”

I nodded, and we stayed there in silence for a moment. “What do we do?” I finally asked.

“We try to get their debut back on track, that’s what we do. We’re still going to keep all their schedules, the photoshoot and music videos, everything. We need to convince them to put them back in their schedule. If we have to cancel their appearances on the other shows we’ll become a joke and it’ll be that much harder to get them debuted.”

“Okay. I’ll do everything I can, oppa. I promise.”

“Even if it’s not the same company, we need someone to do it. I don’t care who at this point.”

“Understood. I’ll do my best.”

“Also, don’t tell them quite yet. If we can fix this quickly, there’s no need to worry them with it. I’ll let Bang PD-nim know of course, but this doesn’t need to go any farther than that for the time being. You and I are going to be running around even more than we have been to fix this. Just promise me you won’t tell anyone else, okay?”

“I promise,” I said, pulling out my phone to make some phone calls to try to get their debut back on track.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14

Tags: @calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @misohime​ @netflix-batman-sleep​

Send me a message or ask if you want tagged!

[notalwayslate]

Building Dreams

For @eirian-houpe​

It is I your Secret Santa. It appears that tumblr was not a fan of my anon messages,but I”m so happy to be able to reveal myself! No more anon! :) 

Prompt: There’s nothing I can do

Summary: When the town’s mayor sets her sights on destroying Belle French’s plans of reopening the library, the ever fearsome Mr. Gold makes a deal with an unlikely source to ensure the library becomes a reality for his secret crush.

Building Dreams. 

“There’s nothing I can do.”

Hearing those five words often filled Robert Gold with annoyance as they were usually spouted off by some pitiful tenant who had gotten themselves into an insurmountable problem and couldn’t pay their rent on time. But in this case, his stomach dropped as he overheard these words of desperation coming out of the mouth of a distraught Belle French as she sat in a booth behind him at Granny’s diner.  

“There’s nothing I can do, Ruby. The mayor is insistent that the library be ready in three weeks so she can have her grand reopening ceremony, but with the limited resources she allotted me, I have to do all the repairs myself. I can’t fix every book shelf, repaint the library, and organize an entire library catalog in three weeks.”

It was merely two months ago when Ms. French had presented her pitch to reopen Storybrooke’s long abandoned library to the city council, of which he was a member. Unbeknownst to Regina, the town’s mayor, he had secretly assisted Ms. French in preparing for her presentation and had already secured the needed votes from the other council members prior to that day.

Miffed that her sole objections to the library reopening were dismissed so quickly by the committee, it was obvious to Gold that Regina stewed over the fact that he appeared to have more pull and power over the town, then her.

He had carelessly assumed that after a few days of sulking Regina would get over it, but after hearing this, it appeared that the Mayor was determined to have Ms. French’s library project fail out of spite.

“Can’t you just ask for more time?” Ruby questioned.

“I already did. The mayor said if I couldn’t execute this simple of a task, than she would have to find someone else who could. So if I can’t get it done, I’m fired.”

His blood boiled in anger. So Regina was already threatening to take this job away from her? He fought the urge to march over to the Mayor’s office, and place his hands around her throat. How dare she threaten someone as pure and loving as Ms. French. He would not let this stand, could not let this stand. That library would be ready to open in three weeks come hell or high water.

X

As the bell above the pawnshop door rang out, Gold barely had time to glance up before a fuming Leroy came charging towards the counter.

“If you are even thinking about raising our rent Gold, so help me….”

Gold lifted his hand, immediately silencing the short grumpy man’s tirade.

“I am not raising your rent….yet.”

Befuddled, Leroy’s posture relaxed slightly. “Well why else would you want to see me then?”

With a devilish smile, Golden explained in detail, how he would waive Leroy and his brothers’ rent for the next three months in exchange for their assistance in helping Ms. French fix up the library in time for the Mayor’s grand reopening.

“So what you’re saying is we help this broad out and we don’t have to pay rent for three months?”

Sighing at the coarse depiction of Ms. French as a broad, Gold nodded. “Yes, but with one caveat. You must not tell Ms. French of our deal.”

“So what do I say if she asks?”

“That you and your brothers simply want to volunteer to assist her at no cost.”

Leroy gave him a quizzical look.

“I don’t get it. What do you get out of all this?”

Sneering he showed his teeth. “That is none of your business.”

Although still clearly suspicious by the entire matter, Leroy readily agreed to the deal, promising Gold that he and his six brothers would start renovations the very next day.

Although rough around the edges, Gold knew that the Miner brothers were hard workers, and had little doubt that they would indeed have the library remodeled in time. If not, he would make as many deals as necessary to ensure that Ms. French’s dreams of running this library came to fruition.

X

Two weeks later, Gold sauntered into Granny’s taking his usual seat at the counter. He went to take his first sip of coffee, when a purse smashed down on the counter next to him.

“What the hell are you up to Gold?”

Not being deterred by the outburst, he took a long sip of coffee, gently placing the cup back down, before turning his attention towards the agitated face of the town’s mayor.

“Ah, Madam Mayor, to what do I owe the displeasure of your company this morning?”

“I know about your little deal with those seven imbeciles.”

Gritting his teeth, he tried to maintain a steady composure, although inwardly he was seething.  He would deal with that blabbermouth little rat Leroy later; right now he had to remind Regina that he was not one she wanted to tangle with.

“Why whatever do you mean?”

Rolling her eyes she leaned in. “Cut the crap Gold. Now what I want to know is why you’re getting involved in this? Why are you helping her?”

Narrowing his eyes his cold stare bore into hers. “When the committee approved this plan months ago we did so with the intent of it being a success. Ms. French is a viable asset to this town, and is more than capable of handling this project, when given an equal playing field against your obvious sabotage. So I suggest you leave Ms. French and this library alone or I will really give you something to fret about."

An arrogant smirk hit Regina’s red painted lips. “You like her.”

Scoffing Gold turned back towards the counter, as Regina’s hot breath tickled at his ears.

“I had my suspicions at that meeting. Oh, what a grand idea Ms. French, I would love to hear more of your thoughts Ms. French.” She mimicked in a mocking tone. “ How pathetic. She’s half your age, Gold. Do you really think giving her this library is going to get her to sleep with you?”

Not wanting to give her the pleasure of getting a reaction from him, he sat there silently sipping on his coffee as Regina continued to hurl insult after insult into his ear. He didn’t worry about the other patrons hearing her tirade as Regina kept her voice low, clearly trying to protect her public image of a caring respectful servant of the people. After a few more agonizing jabs about his age, he heard her let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“You know what you can have your little library Gold. It will be satisfying enough to watch when all of your perverted little delusions about you and that librarian come crashing down around you.” With that last insult, she picked her purse up off the counter, moving towards the door. “See you at the opening next week Mr. Gold,” she spouted exiting the diner.

Try as he might, Gold could not shake Regina’s taunting words, as he sat at his workshop later that day tinkering with the broken gears of an antique watch. Although he tried to convince himself that he only stepped in to help Ms. French because he wanted this project to succeed his heart knew the truth… he was in love with Belle French.

His feelings for her blossomed years ago when she had started working full time at her father’s flower shop, after graduating from high school. He had always had problems with her father Maurice, a drunk, who often wasted the shop’s money on booze and gambling rather than paying his rent on time.

He was impressed when Maurice’s daughter suggested that he collect the rent every week, instead of monthly, with the reasoning that she could pay him before her father dipped his hands into the register. And so it was with this new arrangement that he visited the flower shop every week with the intent to collect rent, but as he did so he found himself falling into longer conversations with Ms. French. After a few months, he found himself actually looking forward to their interactions, and soon their visits were the highlights of his week.

He was impressed with not only her beauty but her intellect and soon found himself falling for her. Although he wanted her desperately, he kept his feelings hidden, knowing that she was far too good to be with a broken down old man like himself. Every week he went, and every week he fell more in love with her.

During one of their many conversations she had confided in him that her dream was to one day become a librarian. Once he learned of her aspirations, he quietly started to look into the old abandoned town’s library and soon discovered that it was a viable option to reopen.

With the information in hand, he had encouraged her to follow her dreams. He was all too delighted when she agreed, and was impressed at how quickly she threw herself into researching all aspects of the project.  Of course he gave her his valuable assistance by using his pull to bypass the usual red tape of government, and provided her with the needed permits and budgets that she required for her proposal.

And now here she was just days away from becoming a librarian with a newly renovated library. His heart burst with love and pride at the thought.  

The ringing bell pulled him from his thoughts alerting him that someone had entered his shop. He groaned, praying that it wasn’t Regina coming back for another round of insults. Pushing the curtain back, he stopped dead in his tracks, as Ms. French stood before him.

She looked shorter than usual, a feat contributed to the fact that she was wearing tennis shoes instead of her high heels.  Her auburn hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and he could see splotches of paint on her tightly fitted blue jeans that showed off her shapely curve. Even after an obvious day of hard work and remodeling, she had never looked more beautiful.  

“Hello Mr. Gold.” She beamed at him, and for a moment he forgot how to speak.

“Hello Ms. French.”

She frowned. “Belle. Please call me Belle.”

She had corrected him for years, and yet he could never find the nerve to address her so informally.

“What can I do for you Ms…Belle,” he corrected himself bringing a small smile to her lips.

“Well as you can probably tell,” she glanced down at herself, “I’ve been spending most of my time finishing up the library.”

“And how is that going by the way?” he feigned ignorance even though Leroy texted him daily on its progress. He was already well aware that the library was nearly complete, and would be ready for the ceremony next week.

“Great. I could never have pulled it all together without the help of the Miner brothers. I can never repay them for their kindness. I just can’t believe any of this is real, and I’m really going to be a librarian.”

Seeing the look of excitement in her eyes, Gold’s heart skipped a beat. She deserved this library and every bit of happiness that went along with it.

“You earned it, Belle.”

Her radiant smile took his breath away.

“We earned it, Mr. Gold. Don’t think I have forgotten that I could never have done this without you.  I can’t wait for you to see it.”

For a moment her smile faltered, and he could have sworn he saw a look of apprehension in her eyes. “Speaking of which, I’m having a sort of a sneak peak of the library this Sunday, something much smaller and intimate then the Mayor’s grand reopening ceremony, and I was really hoping that you would attend?”

He was stunned for a moment that she would invite him to her own personal soiree. He knew his fearsome reputation around town, and just assumed that she wouldn’t want his presence darkening her moment.

“Are you sure you want me there?”

She looked like he had punched her in the gut, and he immediately cursed himself for causing her distress.

“Of course I want you there.” She spoke sullenly.

“Then I would be honored to attend.”

He let out a sigh of relief as a smile returned to her face.  Clasping her hands together in excitement, she gave him further details and gleefully stated she would see him at 7 on Sunday, before bouncing out of his shop.

Sunday came all too soon, as Gold stood in his closet for the last hour fussing over which shirt and tie he would wear, before deciding upon his dark blue shirt with red tie.  Why was he so nervous?  He could be social, and casually mingle with Belle’s friends, without making a total fool out of himself, right?

His mind raced at who else he thought would be there. Of course she would invite Ruby, and Leroy and his brothers. He couldn’t help but wonder if her father would be there. If he had the nerve to show up drunk to Belle’s function, Gold wasn’t sure what he would do to the man. He wanted everything to be perfect for her that night, and for a moment he considered if he should just stay home and not ruin the atmosphere, before remembering that he had given her his word that he would be there.

With a nervous swell in his stomach, he made the short drive to the town square. He pulled into his regular parking spot in front of the pawnshop, looking across the street at the clock tower above the library. It was 6:45.

It was still early and he debated if he should wait in his Cadillac until it was closer to seven. Seeing no other cars or people nearby he fretted that she might need some last minute help to set up. Taking a deep breath he exited the car, making his way to the entrance of the library.

Just as his hand reached for the handle, the door swung open towards him, as Leroy marched out followed closely in line by his six brothers. Glancing his way, Leroy froze in place causing a line of collisions.

“He’s here,” Leroy called out over his shoulder, as the message made its way down the brothers, ending with the smallest, Clark who shouted the statement into the library.  

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Gold shook his head in disbelief. “Was that announcement really necessary? I can assure you people know when I enter a room.”

“Right,” Leroy paused before taking a step forward. “Well we have to go Mr. Gold. Have a wonderful night.”

Gold planted his hand firmly on Leroy’s chest, halting him mid step.

“Wait. You and I have some unfinished business to discuss.  I had a very informative conversation with our Mayor a few days ago.”

“Oh?” Leroy questioned, as Gold felt his entire body trembling under his fingertips.

“Oh yes. Imagine my surprise when she told me how a pitiful little piss ant told her that I was the one…” His threat ceased as Belle’s smiling face emerged from the doorway. Quickly wiping the sneer from his face, he took his hand off of Leroy’s chest.

“Mr. Gold, I’m so glad you came,” she beamed, as he straightened his stance.

“Are you still sure you want to do this sister?” Leroy asked over his shoulder, never taking his eyes off of Gold.

“You guys have a wonderful night,” Belle pronounced, as Gold stepped to the side allowing the seven brothers to walk past him unscathed.

With the seven irritations out of sight, Gold was finally able to relish how breathtakingly beautiful Belle looked standing before him. She wore a laced blue dress with a red belt and red heels. He inwardly praised his own choice of shirt and tie, as their complimentary outfits made them look like a perfectly matched pair.

“Won’t you please come in,” Belle held the door open allowing him to enter the foyer. Once in, he moved to the side, awaiting her to guide him into the library. He was surprised that the Miner brothers had left, as he had surely thought Belle would have invited them to this small gathering, but he didn’t want to be rude and question her choices.

Looking around Gold was in awe at how perfectly put together the library turned out. He listened intently as she pointed out all of the changes and repairs that were made about the room.

As they moved further into the library, his stomach growled as the enticing smell of food hit his nostrils. As they rounded the corner, he froze in place at the sight.

Before him was a small table, delicately set with just two place settings. Perplexed he looked at Belle, as she took a deep breath.

“Would you please have dinner with me, Mr. Gold?”

All manner of speech left him, as he stood gaping at her. He didn’t understand. Other people were coming weren’t they? There was no possible way that a woman like Belle French would possibly want to have a romantic dinner with him.

As he continued to stare at her in disbelief, she bit her lip, and he saw a look of worry in her eyes. Next thing he knew, she started to ramble.

“It’s just…I’ve really missed our weekly talks, and you know… I just wanted to thank you and see you. I’ve missed you… and when I found out you had the Miner brothers help me…I”

Her last statement snapped him back into a cold reality. She knew about his deal. So that is what all of this was about. She felt like she owed him something. This was the exact reason he didn’t want her to know, so she didn’t feel some type of obligation towards him. Regina was right, he was a perverted old man.

“So Leroy told you?”

Her eyes went wide, a clear indication that she had not realized what she had just confessed. “Well…yes but...”

Gold shook his head in anger. Clearly Leroy did not understand the consequences of breaking deals with him, but he would soon learn.

“Please don’t be angry with him.” He could see that she was trying to placate his anger, but he was having none of it.

“When did he tell you?”

Sighing Belle’s arms fell to her side. “The first day they were here.”

The first day? The very first day? Closing his eyes, Gold started to imagine all of the ways that he would make Leroy suffer for this. Obviously he would triple his rent, but thoughts of cutting out his tongue flashed in his mind, before Belle’s voice regained his attention.

“I know you didn’t want me to know and you are upset, but I still very much would like to have dinner with you Mr. Gold.”

“You don’t owe me a dinner or anything else, Ms. French.”  He turned to leave as she shouted.

“I have been in love with you for years.”

Her words halted him.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to tell you that. You are the only person in my life who I felt really got me. You believed in me, encouraged me to follow my dreams. I know you think I’m too young, and that I’m doing this out of some misguided loyalty, but I can promise you one thing Mr. Gold. I loved you long before this whole library proposal existed and will love you long after all of this Mr. Gold.”

Tears pooled in his eyes at her confession. Turning, he stumbled for a moment in surprise to find that she had moved before him. Slowly he lifted his hand as his knuckles tenderly graced her cheek.

“Robert.”

Her brows drew together in confusion.

“Call me Robert,” he said.

“I love you Robert,” she said looking deeply into his eyes.

“And I love you Belle.”

Slowly she moved towards him, and he moaned at the taste of her lips. Far too soon, she pulled away from the kiss, smiling at him.

“So does that mean you will stay for dinner?”

A crooked grin graced his lips. “So there’s no one else coming tonight?”

Laughing she shook her head no. “Just you and I. I hope you are not too disappointed though,” she teased.

“Well at least I’m still getting a sneak peek at the library,” he winked, placing her arm in his, as he guided them over to the set table.

“Oh, Mr. Gold, I’m quite sure you will be getting a sneak peek at a great many things tonight,” she purred.  

[writinginthedarkwood]

Tengu! Kaminari Denki x Reader

Your father owns the pub in town, you love working as a waitress until you find out that the pub isn’t doing so hot anymore. A new wealthy clan offers to buy your father out of his debt in return for one thing…

Halloween time! I love monster boys, this is in the same universe as Kitsune Todoroki, you can find that here >  https://writinginthedarkwood.tumblr.com/post/188178949954/kitsune-todoroki-a-mischievous-encounter

Warnings: lemon content. Also, this is kind of long lol

“Can you get another round for that table over there Y/N?”  Father called from the kitchen, it’s the dinner rush and the pub is full. People were laughing and talking loudly over each other, drinking and eating there bellies full. I looked to see where father was pointing too, the corner table by the window wasn’t eating, just having a few pints. Their glasses were getting empty, I took my notepad over with a smile. “Thank you so much for coming out today, can I get you boys another round?” I flashed them my most flirty smile, they have nicer clothes on then I’ve seen anyone else in this town wear, they could be big tippers. The shortest man in the group sat on the end with a flushed face, he laughed with a bit of drool hanging out of his mouth.

He had strange hair, it looked like some type of purple jelly substance sitting on his head. “I’ll tell you what I’d like to have a round of…” He exclaimed loudly to his friend sitting beside him. His friend laughed, also intoxicated. He was wearing a large jacket that puffed out on his elbows. “Aw come on don’t give the pretty lady a hard time!” The man said with a wide toothed smile. He put a hand on his bangs, they were black and flattened on his forehead. The shorter man turned his attention back to me and let out a sick giggle. “I’ll take another beer, and slice of that ass.” He pinched the air with his fingers like he was about to touch me. I recoiled, but tried to keep my composure. This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone make advances toward me while working but something about his skeevey eyes made my stomach churn. “Hey now!” A firm hand grabbed my shoulder and moved me out of the pathway the little man was following to reach my body. His touch left a light tingle on my collar bone. He stood between us, tall and confident. “There’s no need to be rude Minetta. We’re guests in this establishment.” He flashed me a beautiful smile. He looked different than anyone I’d ever seen travel through this area before, was he from out of town? My cheeks blushed slightly. He had yellow hair, with a black streak in it, he was unbelievably handsome, but boyish somehow at the same time. He took a seat across from the other two, next to a girl who had been quiet mostly. She was fuming, her eyebrows furrowed. “We can’t take that rat with us anywhere.” She said to me. “Everything is alright!” I said cheerily, trying to build the mood back up. “What were you all drinking tonight, I have one beer down. What else?” The yellow hair young man stared at me with a slight upturned grin. He lifted his half full mug and took another drink. “How about you bring us a pitcher of that fine ale, and we’ll pour our own drinks. That okay doll?” He tilted his head, studying my face. I tried to hide my excitement that he called me doll, what the hell Y/N get it together! I just smiled and turned to get them their drinks. My heart thudded in my chest, and I took a deep breath with my back turned to the table still. Just pour the beer with out spilling it Y/N… I filled the pitcher and went back to the table and set it down carefully. “I’ll come check on you in a little bit, if you need anything go ahead and just let me know.”

“You’ve been great, thank you sweet heart.” The blonde smiled.

I felt his eyes on me the entire rest of the night, they were the last table to stick around. My father flipped the chairs onto the tables while I wiped down the bar counter. The kitchen closed an hour ago, and the last of the beer is about dried up. Father leaned over the counter and whispered to me. “I’m worried they’re going to split on the bill…” He nodded his head towards the strange group. “Have you been keeping track of their tab?” Sweat gathered on his brow, we can’t afford to have them disappear. Father doesn’t talk often about it, but we owe a lot of money to a lot of people. Some, more scary than the others. “Yeah they’ve drank enough to pay rent this month alone.”

“Shit, why don’t you go let them know we’re closing soon.” I nodded my head and straightened out my apron. I pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and looked at my reflection, ugh I look so messy. I know I shouldn’t care but… I approached the table with the calculated cost of their tab. “It looks like you all had a really nice night.” I said without making eye contact with the man staring holes into dress. They had enough beer to knock the best drinkers in town out cold three times, but they seemed pretty composed still. “Is it closing time already? I still want beer!” The black haired man with the big jacket whined. “We have some more to drink back home Sero, we don’t want to keep this lady up all night.” The girl spoke matter casually, but a hint of demand in her voice. She had a very cute face, and short hair in a style I’ve never seen before. She had strange earrings hanging down and touching her shoulder. “Is that the tab bar maiden?” I swallowed, my admirer stood and took the tab from my hands, his fingers gently brushing mine. The hair on my arms stood up, a light shock hit my knuckles and I squeaked, pulling my hand away. He chuckled at me. “Well would you look at that, there’s so much electricity between us.” He didn’t even flinch reading the extremely high number. He handed it back to me and pulled out a leather pouch from his pocket. He handed the entire bag to me, it jingled with coins. I gasped looking inside, it was filled to the brim with gold pieces. “You’re not from around here, are you mister?” I said completely floored. He smiled at me, I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “We’re from the east, we decided we wanted to see what these beautiful lowlands were all about.” He said a little coy, like that wasn’t the entire truth but would make the most sense to say. “Well, welcome to town.” I tried to turn quickly, my hands shaking. I’ve never seen so much gold at one time. “Could I get your name, maiden?” He asked. My heart fluttered, the way he called me maiden was so alluring, his voice dripping with charm. “Oh… I’m Y/N… my father owns this place.” He gently took my hand and planted a kiss on my fingers. “Please, called me Denki.” I nodded my head, hardly able to speak. “Ye- yes sir.” I stammered out. He smiled, liking the way he made me nervous.

The group gathered themselves and left, my father locking the door behind him. We sat behind the counter together counting today’s gold and silver. “Wow I should go to the market tomorrow and get us some fresh vegetables.” I beamed, excited. “I can make a big pot of soup for the special tomorrow.” Father ran his hand through his hair and I noticed something strange come over his face. Tears gathered in his eyes but they didn’t spill. “It’s not enough, honey.” He said choked up. “What do you mean? This is more than enough! We made so much tonight.” He shook his head no, my lungs felt tight. Please don’t tell me…

“We owe them more money.” He said sadly. “A lot more money.”

The town can be really peaceful, as long as everyone pays their debt to the “collections agents”. People have up and gone missing before, but we don’t dare say anything about it. “How is this possible? We almost had them paid off.” I felt a sob gathering in my throat. “You said that we were almost free-” He cut me off. “I know what I said!” He shouted and I took a step away from him. He never raises his voice to me. He quieted down. “I lied.” He said almost in a whisper.

A knock came at the door. My father swept the gold quickly into our lock box and hid it under the counter. “Go upstairs and don’t come down unless I tell you.” I planted my feet on the ground firmly and crossed my arms. “I’m not leaving you.” I said, a tear streaming down my face. “I said now Y/N!” He slammed a fist on the counter. Devastated I ran upstairs and threw myself on my bed like a child, and broke into cries. How could he jeopardize our lives like this? I would have gotten another job, or helped him budget in the very least!

It was very quiet downstairs. I wiped my face off, and removed my apron. I changed out of my work clothes and put on my sleep wear. A simple cotton dress that goes right to the top of my knee. I tried to freshen myself up, everything should be fine. That gold will at least hold them off for another month maybe.

Father called upstairs for me to come see him in the bar. I stepped down the stairs and didn’t hear much talking. A man in a suit sat at the bar leaning on one elbow. He didn’t smile when he saw me. “Ah, I can see why Kaminari would put this offer on the table now.” He said plainly. My father had tears streaming down his face. He looked down at the counter in shame. “What’s going on?” I asked timidly. The man looked at my father out of the corner of his eye. “Wanna tell her, or should I?” Father didn’t speak up. “Okay I will then.” He waved his hand in the air, aloof. “A good friend of our agency…” He started. “Has offered to buy this sink hole out of debt for you.” A sly grin spread across his face.

“What? Really? That’s amazing!” I cheered, clapping my hands with joy. I looked at father, he didn’t move his look away from the counter, tears welling in a little puddle under him. “What…” I thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” I asked, my happiness dying down. “Well that’s where you come in.” He looked me up and down. “You get to decide whether you care about your family or not, right here and right now.”

I shook my head, not understanding. “Of course I love my family, what do you mean?” My stomach twisted in a knot. His sick grin grew wider. “He offered to buy your bar out of debt, under the condition you marry him. How romantic.” My jaw dropped and my face turned red in anger. “How dare you insult me like this! What kind of perv would-”

“Ah, well if you feel so strongly about this that’s no issue.” The man interrupted me. “Boy’s come on in, it’s a no go.” He shouted over his shoulder. The collections agency thugs slammed open the door. Men in large suits poured into the bar, holding various weapons. “Wait! Wait don’t…!” They grabbed father by the arm, he didn’t resist. “Who is it?” I shouted over the commotion. The man snapped his fingers and the thugs dropped father. “He’s new in town. Moved here with his family, a big group of people from out east.” My heart pounded so loud I could hear my blood pumping through my ear. “His name is Kaminari Denki. Strange fellow, ridiculously rich.” He peered at me through thin framed glasses. “They bought that mansion past the lilac fields. Built a giant ass fence around the whole thing.”

“I’ll do it.” I spit out. The man chuckled. “That was fast, alright men. Load her up!” He snapped his fingers again and the thugs grabbed me in their arms. “Wait right now?” I shouted at the man while looking at my father. “We don’t want you to try and run off, you’re worth a lot of money right now.” The men dragged me out of the bar and threw me into a buggy. I slammed my fist on the window, screaming for father. He stood in the door way biting his nails while the man in the suit held his shoulder firmly.

I sat in silence during the ride their. It felt like hours to reach the edge of town and get to the fields. It wasn’t, but time was slow. How did I get here? I was hoping to see Mister Denki again, but I never imagined it would be like this. Maybe I fell asleep after the bar closed, and this is a dream. I pinched myself and it stung a little, maybe its a dream that I can feel things? No, I know its true. I can see the iron gate closing off the road ahead, a thick mist hung low to the ground. The buggy stopped at the gate, the woman from the bar was standing behind it. She unlocked the big chain holding the gate shut and we passed through. The gate closed behind us and the door to the buggy opened. She stood there with a stoic face, she stuck out her hand to help me and I took it. I was shaking, the night air felt freezing, flowing right through the thin fabric of my night dress. She took off a fur coat and put it on my shoulders. “Come on, its not a far walk up this path.” She waved the buggy away and we stepped up the hill. “Hey.” She said after a few moments of quiet. I looked at her, she had a gentle smile on her face. “This isn’t what you think.”

“It’s not?” I said, my voice shaky coming through chattering teeth.

“No, I was going to let Denki explain everything, but we really wanted to help you.” She had taken my arm, helping me walk over rocks. I was only wearing slippers, they threatened to fall off. “Something about you really stuck out to our leader, the thought about something bad happening to you…” She hesitated, thinking about her choice of words carefully. “Let’s just say he really didn’t want something bad to happen to you.”

“Really?” I asked and she nodded her head yes.

We walked in silence a little longer before I noticed we were at the mansions front courtyard, it was like the building appeared out of nowhere. I gasped, it’s the biggest home I’ve ever seen. A large bird launched itself off of the roof, in the dark it looked too large. Almost like the size of a man. The door opened suddenly and that short man named Minetta called out. “Oh Kyoka it isn’t fair! Denki get’s all of the babes and now, the most beautiful wife ev-” Something jutted out from her hair and stabbed him in the gut. A long strand, connected to a sharp end recoiled back towards her. What kind of weapon is that? The little man held his stomach and groaned. “P-please. Come in…” He said through gritted teeth.

The furniture was all from the east, a pile of shoes sat by the door. It seemed very homey, something smelled good in here. I realized I hadn’t eaten all day, and my stomach growled. Kyoka and Minetta lead me to a dining room and sat down on the floor. The table is low, and filled with food. Kyoka made me a plate and encouraged me to eat. I’d never had food made in a traditional style from the east. I ate some of the rice, my stomach thanking me even though I feel to nervous to eat anything else. “Denki should be coming back soon, he had to stay in town on… some business.” Kyoka said. Minetta chimed in. “Yeah, how the hell did your dads bar run up such a big tab?”

Tears welled in my eyes, poor father. He never meant to borrow money, after mother died he borrowed just a bit to pay for a proper funeral. It was all downhill after that. Kyoka slapped him on the back of the head. “That’s rude, Minetta.” A voice called from behind us. The black haired man stood in the doorway, his arms were no longer hidden by a jacket. There was something bulky on his elbows, his skin bulged in a circle shape. I raised an eyebrow, trying not to stare at him too much. “Denki’s upstairs in his room. He said to send her up there to talk!” He sat down beside Kyoka. “Should I walk her up there?” She asked, setting her bowl of food down. She stood up without him answering and took my hand. She walked me down the hallway to the base of some stairs. “Just walk up here and turn down the hallway.”

I walked barefoot up the stairs slowly, my breath shaky. I can’t stop thinking about his smile, why couldn’t they have at least let me change? I feel so exposed in my dress. The door at the end of the hall was open slightly, I felt a chill of the cold night air rush across the floor and cause chills over my whole body. I held my skirt down and pushed the door open further.

The room is dark, the moon coming in through the open balcony being the only light. He was standing there in the night air, the white curtains billowing in the wind. He was shirtless, leaning against the balcony railing facing me in the doorway. The door shut behind me and I jumped. I stepped closer, something was jutting out from his back. I moved the white curtains and gasped. He had beautiful black wings, large and taking up all the space behind him. I tried to step away but froze. He yawned and stretched lazily, his wings folding behind him. “Hello Y/N, I’m glad you made it here okay.” He said sweetly. I covered my mouth with my hands. What is he? An angel? He took my hand and pulled me close to him. His chest pressing against mine, I couldn’t speak. “I know you probably have a million questions, but I have to ask you properly.” He knelt down and held my hand between us. “Please, Y/N. Be my wife, you and I were meant to be together, I just know it.” He said enthusiastically. I tried to wipe a bit of a smile off of my face, but it crept onto my cheeks anyway. “I don’t know what to say.” I mustered out. He smiled and slipped a golden band on my finger. “Then just say yes.” He smiled at me and kissed over the band. “I… yes. I’ll marry you.” My answer fell out of my mouth, surprising the both of us. He stood up and pulled me against him, wrapping his strong arms around me and kissing the top of my head. I couldn’t help but curl into him, he smelled like expensive cologne. “Well this is great!” He said breaking the silence. “Now that we’re married, I can do this.” He pulled me inside his room and spun me around. I twirled and giggled, falling into his arms. “You misspoke, we’re not married yet. We’re just engaged!” I said, my anxieties dying down. Something about him making my worries melt away for a moment. He looked at me puzzled. “Oh I guess you’re right.” He chuckled letting me out of his arms for just a second. Something wicked flashed over his face. He grabbed both of my arms and shoved me to the wall, a gasp of surprise falling out my lips, the air in my lungs rushing out as I hit the wall. He pinned both of my hands above my head and looked down at me with a sinful smile. “We have to make things official before you’re truly my wife.” He purred in my ear, giving my jaw a peck. “What are you doing?” I asked, flustered. He used his free hand to stroke my cheek and I shivered. “What does it look like I’m doing silly girl?” He pressed his hips against me, I felt his member grow hard against my naval. “I’m claiming my wife.” He whispered in my ear, sparks of electricity escaped from his lips and jolted my body. “How do you keep doing that?” I said, breathless. “I can do a lot of crazy things Y/N.” He kissed my neck, sucking gently on my skin. A breathy moan fell out of my mouth and I clamped my lips shut. He chuckled darkly. “Just let it all out love, I want to know how I can make you feel good.” He kept kissing my neck as his hand crept up my thigh, I squirmed underneath him and pressed down harder, holding me still while he explored. “Relax, I want to feel every part of your tight little body.” He pulled me off of the wall and laid me down on a thin mat on the ground. He kissed my lips for awhile, just taking his time using his tongue to explore every corner of my mouth. He smoothly slipped my night gown off of me, showing him my body. “Oh fuck, how are you so beautiful?” He slammed his mouth back onto mine and ran his fingers through my hair, pulling down harshly at the strands near the nape of my neck. I cried out and he let go. “Sorry love, I can’t help but be a little excited.” He kissed my lips softly and pulled his pants down, his staff trying to burst out of his underwear. A wet spot glimmered where the tip was, his excitement dripping out of him. My eyes widened, this was really happening. I gripped at the mat and he took the final piece of clothing off that was keeping him from being completely naked. “This might hurt a little, I’ll try and be gentle.” He said, his arousal making his voice a bit more raspy. He placed his tip on my entrance and felt around, finding the best place to insert himself. I closed my eyes and cringed.  “Hey now, don’t clench up like that. You need to breathe.” He palmed a now swollen part of my body, my clit throbbed as he applied more pressure, not even toying with me. Just pressing down on on my clit with his palm and slowly moving it around. “I can make you feel really good, but you have to loosen up some.” I felt myself getting wetter, his touch not giving too much stimulation. I relaxed my shoulders onto the mat and let out a sigh. “Yeah, like that.” He rubbed himself against me, letting some of my moisture cover him. “Ah shit…” He groaned and slid himself between my lips, having to shove himself to fit. I sat up and my eyes shot open. “Denki!” I cried out, tears welling up in my eyes from the shot of pain. His breathing heaved and he pressed his chest against mine, guiding me to lie back down. “See? It’s not so bad.” He teased, nibbling on my ear lobe. He moved his hips slowly, rocking himself back and forth while we adjusted. I gripped onto his shoulders, my nails scratching him. The pain died down quickly, I started to savor the new sensations. I felt his girth grind against my walls, his pace picking up. The sound of his skin slamming against mine filled my ears and I felt my core heat up, a fire building low in my belly. I whined his name, and he moaned in my ear. “That’s it baby, moan my name.” He kissed me with heated passion, his hips still bucking into me. I gasped for air, my body releasing the built up tension in a shaking orgasm. I cried out his name again, louder than before not even worried if anyone down stairs could hear me. He bit down on the skin over my collar bone and I winced. My discomfort riling him up even more. He grinned wolfishly and grabbed both sides of my cheeks with one hand, pinching me face to look up at him. “Stare into my eyes while I cum inside you.” He slammed his hips into me a few more times as he squirted his seed. I felt him pulse as the warm liquid filled me up. He smirked after one final groan and shook his head. “Here I thought you were a dignified lady. Not a little cum slut.” He said in a mocking tone. “This was your idea!” I tried to shove him off of me and he just laughed and slammed another kiss onto me. “You’ll have to grow a bit thicker skin Y/N, sometimes I like to be rough.” He pulled himself out of me and helped me sit up.

“Come on, let’s go get us a drink to celebrate!”

Hey my requests are open! It can be Halloween related or something else!!

[12thhouseangell]

How I doubled my income as a stripper 💕

There is an immense difference to the dancer I was in 2018 to the dancer I am now. In 2018 My yearly income was 75k. This year I am on track to doubling that income. The goal being 150k. So what happened? So much!

What I did first was get into the law of attraction. I started meditating and journaling every day for a month. I would do one meditation for 30 mins (sometimes twice) on attracting abundance. I would sometimes switch it up to one of gratitude. I was trying to manifest the regular of my dreams. The criteria of this regular would be - he would be responsible. He would be respectful. He would offer to pay my rent. And he would give me thousands.

One day at the club- we met. It happened. It started off slowly. From him spending hundreds to thousands. He would come to see me twice a week. He has paid for my entire trip to Tokyo. He’s bought me clothing and bags. He’s given me thousands. He tips me 100$ every time I go on stage. He tips me 100$s after our “dances”. I don’t even dance for him. We sit and talk the entire time! I don’t even get naked. Oh! He also always brings me food to the club! Whatever I request💕 He is an absoloutely amazing person and I am so happy to have him in my life.

But the law of attraction did not stop there. I decided to let it be known how much I want to make. When it’s slow I say out loud “universe, I want to be taken upstairs! I want to make 200$!” Or “I want to attract a new regular that will take me upstairs all the time!” “I want to make 1100$ tonight!. And pray ladies. Prayer is so powerful. Pray before you go in. Align yourself with what you are praying for.

The second difference between myself last year and now is my drinking. I would drink every single day last year. All day and all night. I would be hungover by 12am. Right when the money would start to roll in.

This year I had my first sip of alcohol in August. And then twice in October. I don’t drink at work now. Ever. Sobriety has given me drive and focus. I can properly dance on stage. I can go slower. I can be more sensual. When I was drinking I would almost miss the pole when going in for a spin or try and hit every beat of the song in result going way to fast!!! I would be tired and too busy drinking instead of making money. Now the money comes first.

The third thing was moving from a fear based mentality to one of positivity and hope. I would always be so nervous to come in to the club. I have immense social anxiety. Being around all the girls in the dressing room made me extremely anxious. Now I just stick to myself. Get ready as quick as I can and get on the floor. I turn my anxiety into money. I go and try to burn off the anxiousness by doing dances. Strange right?! 😛

Another thing that I encorporated are rest days and Self care. I don’t work 6 days a week anymore. Working that amount burns you out and puts stress on your emotional and physical body. Working 4 days a week is my max now, which is plenty. I have the stamina now. I come to my shifts rested and ready to make money 💕

I only worked 3 days a week last year. Leaving gaps in between because I was depressed and suicidal. It’s important to give yourself the time. Which I did. And I’m happy that I did. I cried at work and with customers way too many times. I cried while giving lap dances. I cried to my manager many many times. Lots of crying and lots of depression. So please take care of yourself before going in 💕

I also started sticking to a set schedule. I have been working 4 days a week every week. Last year i did not take a schedule seriously and in result I lost lots of money making opportunities.

Okay lastly is saving! Savings goals. How did it take me 2 years to save 50k? Because I was spending. Shopping. Eating. Drinking. And I didn’t budget. I mean I have saved 50k this year alone! In 9 months!

Savings goals became a priority. I strive towards saving 10k at a time before I go shopping. This has enabled my savings to grow while stil treating myself in the process.

In conclusion- stay positive babes. Work hard. Upsell. Stay sober, stay on the floor and take all these men’s money 💕

[maren-as-an-adult]

The 2020 Experience, Part 4

December was...rough. Every free moment I had was spent looking for better paying jobs and more apartments. Christmas gifts were planned and purchased under extreme budget. I had an upcoming OB-GYN appointment. And the accumulated stress finally broke me physically and mentally.

I started noticing it when I had my OB-GYN appointment. My appointment wasn’t until 4:30pm, but I wanted to get some Christmas shopping done, so I took an early train into Atlantic Terminal to do some shopping in and around Barclay’s Center. I didn’t have breakfast before I left, so I grabbed a latte and a slice of iced lemon cake from Starbucks. There were some benches outside where I sat down and ate. Afterwards, I hit up Target and Marshall’s. Once I was in line for Marshall’s, I started feeling... off. I could feel my pulse rushing in my face, and my stomach felt simultaneously empty and twisted upside down. I couldn’t tell if I felt like I was going to vomit or poop, or if I was just really gassy and needed to fart. I made it through purchasing and left to sit down somewhere, anywhere. I think I settled down in front of either TJ Maxx or Burlington on the ground. I pulled my knees into my chest, waiting and hoping for this feeling to pass. After about 15 minutes and no change, I knew I needed to find a bathroom. And in COVID times, I had a better chance of finding a four-leaf clover growing out of the concrete than a public toilet I could access.

Target, however, was my savior. Having purchased from them earlier, I happily took advantage of their open and clean bathroom facilities. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say I spent a long time on that toilet trying to feel better. Eventually I had to move on, and I decided I would go outside and get as much fresh air as I could, hoping that would somehow cure me of this... whatever feeling it was. It helped, or at least that’s what I told myself as I slowly sipped water from my water bottle. I tried to make one last stop at one last shop before heading down to Bay Ridge for my OB-GYN appointment, but after two instances where I was forced to sit down again and wait for the feeling to pass to something barely more manageable, I decided the best course of action would be to arrive exceptionally early to my appointment and hope they had an unoccupied bathroom I could access.

Thankfully, they did. I somehow managed a thirty minute train ride, a ten minute wait for the bus, a ten minute bus ride, and a ten minute walk to the doctor’s office, where after filling out a few forms I retreated to their very clean single occupancy bathroom. I felt awful and wanted something done about it, so I open mouth breathed while kneeling in front of the toilet bowl for a while. It’s a technique I use when I feel like I may throw up and want to encourage my stomach to expel whatever’s clearly upsetting it. [I also wish to take this moment to make this very clear: I am not, nor have I ever been, bulimic. I don’t endorse or condone bulimia. I’m sure it’s very easy to read what I just wrote as inducing vomiting to purposefully purge, but it is not. I was not trying to make myself vomit, but I was prepared for that to happen should my body have decided that’s what it needed to do.] What ended up happening was about five minutes of dry heaving before my body apparently decided that because there was nothing there, that nothing was wrong anymore.

What was wrong with me? I hadn’t interacted with anyone who was sick, had I? I had recently started babysitting, could I have gotten something from one of the kids? Was I not as diligent as I thought I’d been with maintaining social distance and wearing a mask and sanitizing and washing my hands? Or was it something else? All I’d had to eat that day was some processed cake and a sugary latte, could I possibly have developed celiac disease overnight? Was my body finally shutting down it’s lactose-digesting functions? Was I just really overcaffeinated because I forgot to specify “half-caf” in my Starbucks order?

I posited these queries to my doctor while she poked around my vagina. She said it was possible I could be lactose intolerant or I could be crashing from the caffeine. When the staff had taken my temperature I wasn’t running a fever, so it wasn’t likely I’d caught anything off of someone. With a final fingering to gauge the position of my uterus (I learned it has a slight anterior tilt), my appointment was done and I was free to go home. Though I felt better, I decided against calling on my old roommates and to instead just head back to Graham’s. I made one last gift purchase before hopping on the LIRR, and my Christmas shopping was essentially done.

The feeling didn’t disappear though, and on some days it became unmanageable. My GI system was clearly in distress, and not a lot was helping. I found a few packs of ginger turmeric tea at Graham’s house and made myself a cup, firmly placing my faith in the healing properties of what some (uncultured) people call “hot leaf juice”. I think it helped, but I can’t be sure. I’d told Graham about what was going on and what I thought it could be, and he could sympathize and to a degree empathize. It wasn’t until one night when I was again dry heaving into a toilet bowl that Graham fully saw what an awful state I was in. I told him at this point I thought it was a manifestation of the stress we’d been under for the past eight weeks. For eight weeks we’d been searching for apartments, passing on nice ones just out of our budget, trying to come to terms with the infinite number of mediocre same-floor plan, same-color, same-appliances, same-building looking ones, and getting discouraged with the shitty, falling apart ones. I had spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family and had resigned myself to spending Christmas apart from my family for the first time as well. I’d had three separate COVID tests in the past two months. I hadn’t spoken to my therapist since before Thanksgiving. And I had spent the entire month at Graham’s family’s house, which was not something I had wanted.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Truly, I’m indebted to Graham’s mom for letting me not only stay with them rent-free (but agreeing to walk their dogs) but also keep my stuff there while she is also getting ready to move out. But I have never felt comfortable calling someone else’s place my home. I cannot help but feel like an outsider, and no matter how many times people tell me to “make [myself] comfortable” and “help [myself] to whatever food there is” I will feel like an imposition and a burden. It’s only my anxiety coming through, but it comes through LOUD.

I finally scheduled an appointment with my therapist again, and poured all this out to him. I told him exactly how bad things had gotten, and not for the first time I considered asking to be prescribed anti-anxiety medication and possibly antidepressants. I decided to keep going without them...for now.

Christmas Eve came and Graham, his family, and I all celebrated together. We were gifted some lovely items to start our life living together, like a knife set, a set of glasses, new bedding, and a casserole dish. It was a lovely respite from the stress.

On Christmas Day, Graham and I went to see another apartment. This apartment was in the same building as the apartment we almost signed for, and the only differences were that this apartment was on a lower floor and didn’t have a balcony. It was also almost $100/month less than what we had almost agreed to. The owner said he would send over the application and answers to our questions on Monday. We both felt good about this apartment.

When Monday came with no e-mail from the guy, I reached out to him to ask when we could expect it. His response was that he had just been diagnosed with COVID-19 and now wanted to sell instead of rent. This became all too much for me, and when I got back into Graham’s car as we were out running errands, I started screaming. I hadn’t screamed like this since a particularly bad day of work I had back when I worked at Target. It was cathartic, but I felt cold and disconnected from Graham for the rest of the day. Something had broken inside me, and I wasn’t sure if it was my heart, my soul, my mind, or all three. It took a while for me to recover, and honestly I’m still hurt and feel betrayed by this guy. I understand I cannot speak for what’s best for him or what he felt he should have done, but Graham and I felt that we were given the runaround by this guy. We scheduled another COVID test for ourselves, and tried to move forward.

We made it to New Year’s Eve, and stayed up to watch 2020 end. New Year’s felt somber this year, and it felt hard to celebrate the start of a new year when the one we just went through was so damaging.

But we made it. We’re here, and it’s the first week of January in 2021. Currently there are radical conservatives storming the Capitol protesting the electoral college results, but in less than 20 days, Trump will be out of office. I’ve given myself goals that are manageable for the new year, and Graham and I have three applications out for three different apartments, and there’s a chance we may be able to get the apartment we saw on Christmas Day. We keep moving forward, because the alternative is to not move at all.

And I refuse to allow that for myself.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Okay, so let me take this back to a week or two ago.

I owe one of my roommates 1200 dollars. My rent is 800 bills included. I make ten dollars over what counts for me getting no food stamps of financial assistance. I kept going to this job, because i was hoping that an opening would soon happen for me to get a job that i had before the closure of the other location. The explanation of this, in order to make it remotely interesting, would be a story in and of itself and would take too long.

I have had a rough go of it. I fell back into an eating disorder this winter, i went to home feeling sick and cold and heartbroken. Every night. I was completely isolated, i never went to anyone's house, i stopped even seeing a future for myself. the best days i had were ones where i would walk around the mall and stare at clothing i couldn't afford. Because the guy i was in love with randomly flipped on me one morning and told me to leave. I felt completely used, and gross about myself, and i just stopped eating. My bus home always took an hour and a half, i was shaking starving and so fucking poor that even if i wanted to eat more i couldn't afford it. I wanted to cry on the bus after work every night, but i forced myself to choke it down. I listened to last podcast on the left constantly to entertain myself. I texted him even though he had hurt me, and he ran back and apologized after, but somehow it was never the same. I'm not even mad. It just wasn't the same.

Anyway, i snapped about three weeks ago. I woke up, did my budget, and realize the reason i was having such a hard time was that i was literally not making enough money. Everything was about suppression and reduction of needs, to the point where i had very few enjoyments, and i was becoming so lonely i was becoming neurotic. And the more neurotic and lonely i became, i feel like the less people would want to hang out with me. After awhile, any attention i got from this guy was better than nothing. If i didn't have someone that paid some attention to me i was losing my will to even get up in the morning. Because what is the point of getting up for nothing, to do another day that makes you sad, with no purpose or friends? I felt like i was withering away, and nobody would even notice when i was finally just gone. I mean, maybe that is for the best, but i don't know. I feel like the initial love i poured into coming to this city has become dark and uncertain, and i miss the early days a lot. I feel like i am always chasing a feeling, that i am whatever chemical combination is hitting my neurotransmitters.

I made the decision to find a better job, realizing I wasn't going to get out of this mess unless i had money to at least rid myself of the basic and constant fear of not having enough. I'm tired of being in debt. So, i kinda did that. I ended up getting offered this job, and i just let myself run around with my money moreso, for the last few weeks with the mindset that i would have at least seven hundred more a month. I stopped dieting (unfortunately gaining back some weight). It's not that i don't need to diet, but i need something to distract myself if i am going to run around shaking with hunger all the time. I can't live on self hatred, at least not for too long.

Then, the covid 19 virus just started spreading, and at first it was nothing, but then i kind of turned into this thing where sickly people are going down in numbers.  And now nobody is going to hire me because all restaurants are closed and the economy fell apart and everyone is pretty scared, i got laid off from the place i work at now, which i feel like it's not even going to reopen at this point. Thousands of workers in the city just like me now have no way to pay their rent, meanwhile the hospitals will likely continue to fill with patients, and grocery stores are half empty, and this is just a small taste of what the future likely holds. So even when this virus comes and goes and does it's damage, i think things like this are just going to keep happening. And rich people will be fine, but poor people won't be. I mean, funny memes aside. Our entire economic system and healthcare system and so many things are going to collapse in my lifetime, it seems futile to even try to make it now. I know that sounds really pesimistic.

The last few weeks i have been meeting him in secret, but he's not really cuddly like before, and he seems like he wants me to be gone when he's done with me, and he dotes on his other friends and I just feel very taken for granted and when we are with our friends who aren't supposed to know, i just don't feel like someone he's that excited to be around. And he seems to engage in conversation, but with me he just kind of talks over me to imply i am dumb, and i get tired of that. Honestly, there is nothing endearing about it. It's insulting and tiring and i am so deeply worried about the world around me, that even my own heartbreak seems like nothing. I am genuinely very scared about the state of the world, and even an idea relationship would not save me from this. Like, yeah, i feel really used and hurt, but also we are losing animal species and the ocean is polluted and there is a pandemic, and overpopulation in certain areas of the world that are going to be swallowed by global warming. Sometimes this train of thought takes me into an entire three sixty because i wonder if it isn't just best to enjoy every person and experience for what it is because my life might not give me that much to look forward to in the future, and there is only so much i can do to fix the world or the people in it. Do i really want to put my foot down and tell him i don't want to see him anymore, when he's the only person i have, and i know too that he struggles with addiction?

Furthermore, my brother panicked and lost his mind and went on attack towards my sister who he was living with, and now he's moving back with my abusive parents. That's a whole story in and of itself. And that is that. I won't be seeing him anymore. He was so scared about economic and societal collapse. And then my workplace wrote me and said they don't have money to even give me my last paycheck, and i am lucky that my old dad is working overtime at the factory to send me money. Honestly, i was panicked before, but now i just feel resigned and afraid. It helps that there is no way i can get evicted right now, but at this point i just have a bad feeling that things are just going to keep getting worse.

I feel like poor people are being spread too thin, and it's going to eventually create a sense of rage. It's been happening for a long time. They just keep cutting programs, or making it harder to afford rent, or go to school. For instance, i have a friend who is an ambulance driver. He makes twelve dollars an hour, he's literally scraped up dead children off the side of the road, but he doesn't get free healthcare. If he ends up on the other end of his ambulance van he's fucked. It's stuff like this that is unbelievable. You'd think someone with his job of all people would be more than entitled to free healthcare, not that we all don't, but like, it might come with some benefits given he works in the industry and the level of seriousness his job entails. But there aren't any. And truly, he doesn't even make as much hourly as someone who works in a restaurant. It's nonsense. And it's accepted. And we need ambulance drivers.

Anyway, there is a lot that branches off. I don't know what direction i should go in, the mental health aspect of myself, or my family dynamics, the economy, the healthcare industry, my personal strifes, my conflicting relationship stuff, or what the future holds. All i can say is i feel terribly alone and terribly scared and it's hard to articulate it or feel grounded in myself at all. Sometimes it's like a numbness that tells you to keep pushing forward because it's the routine and it's supposed to lead to somewhere, right? I feel like in the last year, i am learning how to put my foot down and say no. I am learning to love people and know i am not loved back, and not even care anymore. I am also exhausted. When i am not around people, i fall asleep. A mysterious exhaustion i have never had before has taken over and i really just want to sleep for days and days straight, and some little part of me just wonders if it wouldn't be better if i didn't wake up again. I am not suicidal, but what's the point?

And I guess lastly, who am I to even complain? So many people have had it worse and now everyone is falling apart and struggling around me, so I am nothing special. It’s just hard to know what to do right now. There seems to be no distraction from the nothingness of it all.

[mywalkintofreedom]

Life at West Main Street - part 1

We’ve been doing some work around the house lately. We painted some walls, and hung some new pictures, got a new light fixture... stuff like that. I’ve always found it very important to make our home my sanctuary. I have to change things around every now and then too, just to change the scenery. As a stay at home mom it’s important to me that I feel comfortable in the space I’m in.

I can’t help but think back to the first place we ever moved into together back in 2014. It was a small one bedroom apartment, it smelled like cigarette smoke, it had no central heat or air and was a shared building with 3 other apartments. It was what we could afford at that time, and I say that with a wink, because we moved into this place using our last money to pay for the down payment not knowing where the rent was going to come from, as Micah did not have a permanent job yet. We also couldn’t afford to turn on the water or power yet, but we chose to be grateful that we found a place to live and trusted God to work out the rest. It was nothing like I had pictured in my mind as we were dreaming up our life. BUT, let me tell you this, it was the most life changing season of my life living there. This little apartment became my sanctuary, and the many months that we lived here became some of our most treasured memories as a newly wed couple. It became the foundation of our marriage, the foundation of how we decided to raise our kids and really just the foundation of our journey together. We learned lessons and foundational things there that we will bring with us for the rest of our life.

We had plans to move out as soon as we could, but reality pretty soon showed that this was going to be home for awhile and that this would be the home that we would have our first baby in.

You would think that the environment was the hardest part of living here, but it wasn’t. While it was certainly a struggle the smell, the dysfunctions and interesting neighbors, the greatest struggle presented itself as how I like to recall it “being stripped of every comfort I’d ever known”. This meant, not having internet, not having a tv and not having a phone and not having people to contact or call.

The first day Micah went to work a full day, I remember clear as day, sitting on a desk chair that someone had given us, in an empty apartment, in the dark (it was a cloudy day and the place had very little natural light). I had no idea what time he would come home, because we had no way of contacting each other. All we had was this desk chair and our suitcases with clothes (which half of mine didn’t fit me because I was pregnant) and an air mattress that we slept on. I sat there probably for an hour that first day, with my hand on my belly feeling our baby move, tears dripping down my face, thinking about what I could possibly do with myself for the entire day. This continued to be the biggest struggle I woke up with every day, what am I going to do today? The first months, all I could think about was moving out. But as the weeks went by there was no way we would be able to move on to something else. It felt like being dropped off on a deserted island. In a way it was similar. I had no way of contacting people, and I was in a country that was not my own. Every day I counted down the minutes until Micah would come home, which were a lot of minutes when you start counting in the morning. Any time he came home all was well. We would light candles and play card games all night. This was after he would have made us dinner on our one pit burner, which would take more than an hour usually, because you could only heat one thing at a time. It really didn’t take long until our apartment was furnished. We had different people donate things to us, a lot of items are still part of our home and in a way sentimental to me.

For the first while we didn’t have a fridge. This was challenging, but it was winter so this helped a little. We had a box that we would put our milk in, and maybe two or three other items we had, and we would put this outside between our front door and screen door. I remember some days being out and about and we would be watching the temperature, because what if our meat would get too warm!? (I also had some fear that our neighbors would steal the box😂) We did have some precious meat spoil one time and it was hard, I mean I think I cried. Eventually someone asked us if we could use a mini fridge, which remained our fridge for the entire time we lived there. The only down side to this fridge was that it didn’t fit an ice cream container in the tiny freezer section at the top😭 (the freezer section also didn’t have a way of closing so we closed it with a piece of cardboard😂). But in the end that was okay, because we really couldn’t afford ice cream anyways.

Since I’m talking about food, this is also what I meant with “being stripped of every comfort you’ve ever known”. We had a $20 food budget a week in this season. Going and buying whatever you feel like eating really wasn’t an option. I remember one night sitting on the floor in front of our tiny little pantry, crying, because I just wanted to eat some chocolate so bad. I know that sounds crazy, (do keep it mind I was also pregnant😉) but when you can always buy whatever you feel like buying you don’t know what it’s like when you can’t.

Our biggest arguments we ever had in our early marriage days were about... food... and what to buy. We were total opposites, my brain told me we should be buying the cheapest of the cheapest, well mister Huff wanted to buy organic chicken with our $20 food budget. I honestly could kill him for it and thought he was insane. Then we’d have an argument about me being too loud protesting in the store. His intentions were honest and pure, he wanted the very best for me and our unborn child. We eventually met in the middle, and I’ve learned not to loudly start arguments in the meat aisle. While we had very little to spend, we never felt poor. We calculated everything to a T before we went shopping and eventually knew the prices by heart, and became pretty smart in our shopping. We made the best meals with what we had. We ate meat maybe 2-3 times a week and did beans on the other days. We didn’t really eat snacks, just an apple at some point of the day. We paid everything with cash (which we have done up until just a few months ago! But we still don’t own a credit card). Any change we’d get, we would save up and buy an ice cream cone with at the end of the week at Dairy Queen. If we had a really good week, we’d be able to buy a blizzard, which felt like a celebration.

While going through the literal purification of my life, we also had a lot of unknowns. How were we going to bring a baby into the world? The hospital wasn’t an option because I wasn’t eligible for health insurance, because I didn’t have my green card yet. Speaking of which, I also feared the green card police would knock on my door and deport me, for real, which was probably a little dramatic. We saved every little bit of money we could to pay for a midwife, and pay for the green card application.

Through all of these changes, I was getting used to living in a very different country than my own. They call immigrants, aliens, and that’s often how I felt. I had visited the United States often before I officially moved there, and I loved the country, but living here proved to be more of a culture shock than I knew it would be. There were so many small details I had to learn about the culture, the language and the country. There were times that it caused anxiety.

I remember one particular time our church was doing “family fun Saturdays”. It was just a way of fellowshipping together. I was actually quite excited about this, because I didn’t have any fellowship throughout the week and missed my family a lot. Micah worked Saturday morning and after he was done we left. When we got there and we walked into a room full of people anxiety hit me, but I was okay, because Micah was right next to me. Well next thing I knew, the guys were going to do a sports game outside, Micah left and I was left alone in a room full of people. This really wouldn’t be a big deal, but anxiety overtook and I got immensely afraid and panicked. I left as quick as I could and went to our little car. We were parked in kind of an open spot where other cars were arriving, I was so afraid of seeing people and having to converse that I sat down curled up on the floor of the car in front of the front seat. I couldnt help but cry uncontrollably because I just was so afraid of conversing with people and that someone would see me and I was thinking to myself “what have I become”? Social anxiety was something I had struggled with before, but never ever in my life to the extent I was experiencing that day.

Speaking of cars, I do feel like I should probably tell you about our 1997 Toyota Corolla. How did we ever end up with a car when we had no money? That’s a good question. It was presented to us to buy the car for $600 at the very beginning of our journey, but we denied, because we didn’t have any money. The car was given to us. Before we had this car we were walking everywhere.

When I was 27 weeks pregnant we prayed and reached out to a midwife that was willing to accept us and decided that the only way we were going to be able to receive prenatal care was to have a home birth with a midwife. During our first meeting with her we went over the cost and when we left we discussed it and we really had no idea how we were going to pay her. It was going to be about $3000. After a lot of praying we both came to the conclusion that the only way we’d be able to pay her was if we could take out a loan. We didn’t like having to do this, but we also couldn’t go without the proper care for me and our baby.

We decided to go to the bank, and that’s where we met Frank. We sat down in front of Frank and we explained what we needed the loan for. He asked us if we had any collateral. Micah and I looked at each other, I whispered “what is collateral?” and then we looked at Frank. Micah answered, well, we have a 1997 Toyota Corolla. Frank said, “okay let’s see it”. We had parked it right in front of the bank. The two front fenders and the hood of the car were black, as it had never been painted white after a replacement like the rest of the car. The grill and the Toyota logo in the front were missing. Micah and I joked constantly that it looked like a car with a toothless smile. When we walked out, “corey” as we named him, was right in front of Frank, but Frank was looking right over it looking for our car. Then Micah said “this is him, pointing at our car, this is the toothless wonder”. Frank looked at it and made some notes on a note pad, we went back inside (meanwhile Micah and I really had to hold our laughs because it was hysterical). After Frank got done writing some things down and asking some questions he said “well, I can give you about $1200 for a loan”. It wasn’t the amount that we needed, but it was something so we took it. We left the bank and laughed often about the story of Frank and the “toothless wonder”. We were able to give our midwife $1200 up front, and paid her and the bank off as soon as we could possibly could.

It is around the same time that we realized that we were definitely not going to be able to move anywhere else until we had paid off this loan, the rest of the cost of the midwife, and gotten everything paid to get me a green card. I made a decision to stop thinking about “the next step”. Often we live with the mentality, “if I can just reach this or that, then I will be happy”. Always thinking about the “best best thing”. My mentality had been “if I can just move somewhere else I can start to be happy”. I learned a huge lesson in contentment in this season, and the scripture that Micah and I were often reminded of was “if you can be faithful in the small things, God can entrust you with the bigger things”. (And boy if I had known what God would do later in life I would’ve started this much sooner). I started by praying that God would either take the smoke smell away, or help me not to smell it, because I couldn’t stand it. He did, I stopped smelling it. I declared this small apartment my sanctuary. I decided to make it my home, and asked God to help me make it home. When you always have distractions at your fingertips it’s easy not to deal with feelings, I was faced with my feelings every day and had no way of numbing them with distractions. There were no distractions. None. It was just me and God, every day. There was no way for me to “numb” the time away by watching tv, scrolling on a phone or asking someone to come over.

You would probably think after reading all that that I regretted moving and that I regretted getting married. I truly didn’t. I knew with everything within me that this was where we were supposed to be and that I was with who I was supposed to be with.

There is so much to say about the season that we lived here. What I forgot to mention earlier is that someone came to us when we had just moved into our apartment and gave us, I believe it was $250. However much it was, it was the exact amount we needed to turn on the water and power for the apartment. They said that God had laid it on their heart to give this to us, and we knew it was Him because of the amount they gave us. They had no idea of our situation. There are so many miraculous things that happened while we lived here, and I plan on writing more about it because I’ve always wanted to, it is an extremely important part of my journey, and our journey, and so many valuable things were learned. I am forever grateful for the “stripping down and away”, because it prepared me for motherhood and life as a mom and it made us make important decisions for our family that I believe will truly change the lives of our children and have changed our own lives. God became real, and the Word of God exploded as we read together each day. I have never been the same and I never will be. More stories to come about the many experiences at west Main Street.

[wonhosmistress]

Soft To Be Strong

Length: 2,039 

Warnings: None

Summary: After the readers’ encounter with Keanu she ends up not having enough courage to return back to work but forces herself before they call her out about it and before she knows it she ends up losing her job.

A/N: After several months of being in such a deep writing slump I return with the following chapter for Summertime Sadness and I have NEVER written this much in one sitting. I stayed up until 3am to finish half of it and finish the other half today, thank y’all for supporting my works! Also, plan to continue this series and finish what I started since I started getting new ideas yesterday. Wow, inspiration has never hit me this hard. Hope y’all enjoy it

(This is Ch.2 you can find the prologue: here, Ch. 1 this is an ongoing series with the same name just different titles for each chapter which will end up connecting to a playlist I’m working on.) 

Italics indicate flashback

After the following three days she had spent wallowing in her own self-pity, she finally got the courage to leave her apartment and managed to force herself down to the closest park to take a breath of fresh air since she had been cooped up for what it seemed an eternity. She sat in one the parks’ bench feeling the sun graze her skin as she continuously observed her surroundings noticing kids in the playground as their parents watched over them making her smile. She kept thinking about how after her embarrassing encounter with Keanu, she didn’t have the courage to go back to work but as much as she didn’t feel like facing her co-workers or even attempt to interact with a single soul. She inhaled deeply and stared at herself in the mirror examining her outfit and herself smiling at the approval of how good she looked and tried her hardest to fake her confidence.

She entered her office building sitting her lunch bag and purse down but before she even tried to sit down at her desk her coworker Macy told her that her boss was calling her to her office. She was taken back by how early it was and why her boss was calling her, but she just went on her way and knocked on the door, “come in.” she heard from the other side. She opened the door carefully stepping in and closed it behind her before making her way towards her boss’s desk and sitting down on one of the chairs that were in front of her. “You called?” She placed her pen down and interlocked her hands-on top of the desk as she looked at her, “Yes, this is not going to be easy y/n but I need to let you go.” She stared at her boss still not being able to process the sudden information. “You’re one of the best employees this company has and you actually manage to meet the deadlines before anyone else-” “then why are you letting me go?” a hint of frustration showing in her voice as she kept her eyes on her boss. She sighed, “Our budget is being cut and you’re not the only one that is being let go several others have and I still have a list to go through.” She looked at her lividly. “If I’m understanding this correctly, you’re telling me that the company is letting go, employees, because they don’t want to pay them and give the remaining of these poor people more workload until they pass out from exhaustion?” Her boss just stared at her sudden angry outburst and was dumbfounded at how she managed to keep a calm composure. “wow...so that’s seriously it?” she questioned, noticing the guilty expression on her bosses’ face when she told her that. “Capitalism is seriously fucked. Also, don’t even bother continuing explaining I’ll just take my things and see my way out.”

She honestly wished she hadn’t said that to her boss, but she was right everyday people go out of work because corporate always turns out to be the greedy ones. They want fewer people yet still manage to give them even more work than before for even less pay. She was unemployed and frustrated that she had to look for another job, but she didn’t want to work for the higher-us. She wanted to create her own business but how would she do that? She didn’t have enough money for a down payment meaning she had to look for a temporary job and save up before she even tried anything else. She sighed in annoyance, continuing to observe her surroundings but as of right now she needed to focus on being able to feed herself and pay her rent. She stood up stretching slightly and decided to take a short walk before heading back to her apartment and spending the rest of the day looking for jobs. Before she knew it she heard the name being called out but decided to shake it off considering that she had been cooped up for a while in her home, she was probably starting to imagine things and her mental health wasn’t in the best place since she had lost her job. Maybe this was a good thing? She thought about how she had told herself several times that she needed more time to herself to take care of herself mentally and physically. 

“Y/N!” She stopped in her tracks and turned back to look back to make sure she wasn’t imagining things and there he was walking towards her wearing combat boots, grey jeans, a navy blue shirt and over his shoulders he wore the same old brown jacket she saw at the store. Was he really calling out for her? She thought to herself. She turned back around to make sure that it was her he was calling for but no one around seemed to look his way. 

“Hey, I’m sorry if you’re in a hurry but I tried calling you for the past couple days, but you seemed to be busy.” She stood there in silence and idly stared at his messy brown hair. “And, I was honestly taking a walk until I noticed that you were here.” Bringing back her attention to him she just smiled at him. “I thought I was going crazy.” she joked as she awkwardly shifted her weight between her legs. “Sorry, I wasn’t really busy I just wasn’t in my best state of mind. I just wanted to be alone for a while.” He stared at her with a concerned expression but remembered to not ask about her considering that he didn’t really know her that well. “I understand. I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go have coffee?” She looked at him confused. Did he just catch up with her to ask her to go have coffee with him? She shouldn’t. She needed to go home but she released herself from having those thoughts and told herself fuck it! She was just going out to have coffee with him what was the harm in that? 

She usually never allowed herself to go out unless it was important. “right now?” she asked him. “Yeah, if you’re not busy.” “No. I’m not busy right now.” “great, want to walk over there?” “Sure.” They both walked together but before either said anything she walked in silence for a while. “What seems to be on your mind, is it okay for me to ask?” he turned to look at her noticing that she walked anxiously looking down. “Yeah, it’s fine. I’ve just been in such a terrible slump that I haven’t even allowed myself to even take care of myself,” she told him. She continued walking and before she knew it, she had his arm block her way and heard a loud horn honk in the traffic she looked up at him and then in front of her noticing a car suddenly break mid traffic.

 “Y/n? Are you seriously okay?” She stared at him with a sad expression and watery filled eyes until she had a mental breakdown with tears falling on her cheeks. He was left in shock that she was crying but he felt sympathy for her she was probably going through a lot and possibly tried her best to put a strong face until now. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her trying his best to make her feel slightly better before finally crossing the street and entering the cafe. She sobbed silently against his chest and she had honestly never felt this small from hugging someone which made her smile but her smile suddenly turning into a frown once again, he felt warm against her body making her feel like everything would be alright. That was honestly what she really needed right now. A hug from someone and even though he wasn’t telling her that everything would turn out fine his body language was letting her know.

She pulled away from him and wiped her eyes as she looked at him, “I stained your jacket with my tears.” she joked making him look down and smiling at her, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” She stood there in such an uncomfortable position about the whole situation that just came crashing down on her. He had noticed that she didn’t feel like addressing it and told her that they should cross the street considering that they were close and so they did after she wiped her tears. They walked up towards the small cafe seating themselves before a waitress served them, they saw the young girl making her way towards them before cheeringly saying, “Good Afternoon, my name Ella I will be your waitress for today. Can I get you anything to drink?”. “I’ll have a black coffee.” she looked at the waitress and said, “I’ll have an iced coffee and an apple pie.” she smiled at her as the waitress made her way towards the kitchen. 

She turned her attention towards Keanu and just sat there feeling awful after suddenly exposing her to him. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been having a rough week...and everything just came crashing like a giant wave.” she told him as she set her keys and phone down on the table, “You don’t have to apologize. Everyone has bad days and that’s okay, you’re not alone and if you feel like talking about it feel free to do so.” She wanted to but she didn’t want to drop all her issues on him she would feel terrible, but she did want to talk about it, she just wanted to tell someone about how horrible she has felt about everything.

 “I recently lost my job and I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself from falling apart, I was actually planning to go home and look for jobs but decided not to since I usually keep myself from going out and this honestly can’t hurt me.” “I’m so sorry, y/n. I wish I could do something to help you.” He told her as he took a quick glance at the waitress coming back with their order setting down their coffees and the slice pie that she had ordered earlier. “I really appreciate the sentiment, but you can’t do anything for me. What I must do is help myself and move forward...anyways, enough about me tell me how you have been?” “Just busy taking care of my kid, he just went to spend the weekend with his mom while I continue to look for a full-time babysitter. It’s just been hard considering I work every day and I’m not always at home to take care of him.” “I’m sorry. Yeah, I heard there hasn’t been enough of them to go around.” “Yeah, it’s been difficult looking to contract anyone.” She felt bad for him between being busy with his work and his kid she wanted to help him take the weight of his shoulders, but she didn’t really know him that well either. She had a history of taking care of children and if she told him that just maybe he would take her into consideration. She hoped that if she did start with this she would save up and she needed a job as quickly as possible and this would be okay with her for the meantime. 

“I can take care of him if that’s okay with you. I mean I really need a job and something as small as this I have a history with. If you’d like I can bring you my resume just so you can have that peace of mind.” He wasn’t sure considering that they only met up twice, but he was desperate, and he only had two days to look for a babysitter. She noticed the hesitation on his face only hoping that he would reconsider. “How about this. I’ll take your offer into consideration and give you a call if my final decision ends up with you, sounds good?”  She nodded in agreement thinking that hopefully, things were looking up for her, maybe she was going to end up being okay at the end of the day.

Tags: @sojournmichael​, @lvngdvns​. @beyond-antares​, @stairway2mars, @pkg4mumtown​, @dragonstorytelling​, @contanto-que-voce-me-queira​, @derangedcupcake​, @bbblackmamba​, @itsteph13​ , @hecohansen31​

Let me know if any of y’all want to be tagged for future fics!

[weaselle]

pay no attention to this collection I just need to post it so I can find it

hit walls and floor... tall inside of my skull; if I never fall at all, clever's awfully dull - so if "push" says the door you'll be watchin' me pull - 'cause I only shop for china when I'm walkin' with bulls

Order me sit? dope, I'm askin' how high; I out right hope my notes are causin' outcry - where do I fit? miles as the cow flies - statistically shit, climbin' slopes to outlie

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I can juggle knives, and proselytize, and wink my eyes in flirth (or mix words like mirth and flirt, like, ask what planet Dirt is wearth) I can lift a person by their soul, or... even let them down; I can fit myself to any role: demon, prophet, clown. I can write like frightened squid, or read a book from any shelf- but a lifeguard out at sea can drown, and I can't save myself

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I want an adventurous crew, less than 100 and much more than 2; I've got an idea or four to do and believe that "to lead" isn't "ordering you" - I want be thicker than thieves: if one of us cries, everyone grieves; stacked deck for success, form small companies so that every ace dealt goes up all of our sleeves - I wish I had Boromir's horn; I stand full of arrows, small and forlorn I'd summon an army as sure as you're born and we'd rend every obstacle / mend what is torn

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yo when it's late I don't know if debate is a pro that I'm prone to or con I conflate; yawn ok great it's the dawn of new date too soon gone like a pawn in a perilous state - do I wander or wait, keep closed yonder gate or transpose these ten toes 'til exposing my fate? if not off to bed nodding off head berates and refuses to do more than snooze/obfuscate

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I don't have time enough to tell the clock to stop its ticking talk, while I'm sublimely sleepy, still ensconced in twos of shoes and socks; I'm staring off in awful need of themes that breed these searing thoughts- I breathe more air when all unfair reality congeals and clots; when sleep is claustrophobic, fear near stoic in its static stay, I ride my nightmares into mounts more suited to the dreams of day

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time for me to be known from home to home, on the campaign trail like when Romans roam, I'mma do the damn thang, prevail and own every twist in this life-line vine I've grown

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sick like a little bit with a bad tum and sniffle it's not a badda-boom bat beating but a wiffle hit; sleep like the bleeping sheep gotta wring it outta me, sore like a freaking score that you sing without a "c".

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i got nothing to say, i'm all bluff in this play, i mean i'm here to swerve some verse it's clear i'm thumpin' away at the buttons with the letters on whenever it’s day like a cat attacks a sweater, just pretending it’s prey - I need to catch the thing I’m chasing, like, it’s gotta get caught, and so I jot it down a lot to try to capture the thought; but though the plot is often written out in dashes and sketches, i rarely cash in those checks, i need more carry than fetches, so I’m dreamin’ and dumpin’ out all the schemin’ or somethin’ and like, even if it’s meaningless these keys I’ll keep thumpin

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with the internet i’m magic and i’m casting a spell call a song out of the air to here as clear as a bell private playlist from the A-list like i’m famous as hell making music moving quickly so I’m faster as well

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“oh no” I shout “Where’s Trusty my phone?” I don’t know the whereabouts, must be shown- adjusted the tone of the ring to silence now trying to find it brings me to violence; really need to locate as I motivate to go today I throw the flippin’ sofa pillows hopin’ for a stowaway... but oh no way it’s gone I pray this song will make a tiny spell; a lesson less on lost forlorn and more intent on finding cell

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pocket full of humbug, some'll argue/ some shrug but damnit my whole planet's stupid like it's on the Dumb drug will there be a U.S. war? (I mean ANOTHER on our list) maybe something civil: neo-drivel vs. power fist... maybe accidental, mental trump insulting china's boss I fear these pale tears will steer us straight into a giant loss

so many people on the earth are searching for a safe life the rich'll keep their swords but lord they'll take away our steak knife Nothing free for you and me our banking fees are never waved; an act by black or poor is "crime" for white or rich it's "misbehaved" They're pouring us an ethanol and calling it an eggnog - time to run away and trade these reindeer for a sled-dog; the season of the commie christ whose message hasn't landed yet: money only isn't evil if the people's needs are met

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no thanks on the news, yo crank up the tunes, don't bank on the crankiness taking a snooze unless I get dressed from neckless to shoes and charge the horizon more wise than confused __________________________________________________________

hear the too late beep, missing two days sleep, and the road to a dream is a two way street; so the mood stays bleak though I do make sweet this coffee with cream and the brew ain't weak

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been a While since I styled out the verbs and tenses, went around the Gates and straight hopped the fences; penUltimately gotta be a sultan of self: master mind, rule body, find my worth-and-my-wealth; if i'm quiet too long I'll have sloth not stealth so I try to move along and get my words off the shelf.

my projects: objects I invent/books writ - that shit won't pay the rent; throw fits, I have, it don't prevent: what's real from feeling devil-sent.

so I must be clever, do each: sum total; whatever needs eating this dead-beat goat'll; ask what is the art in a pace grown sickly? cut to the part where the chase goes quickly

Now hook or crook I must prepare, to tell each truth/take every dare stand hand on hips, and one in air, you can kiss my lips, or my derrière

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got me a hit list, swear i'ma get this done til the sun goes under the business; witness, this is crazy and witless, lazy lately: maybe the wiz kid just hid restless - put to the test his quiz is bested get to the rest it's now or not again, get that got and then kill it til the whole damn lot is a slaughter pen, sweat til the wet drip drops gettin' hotter than the metal that your kettle corn kernel keeps poppin' in; hoppin' and hippin' and readin' what's written i gotta be gettin' to the List no skippin'! slippin like fall, new leaves i'm flippin - givin' my all just to keep on grippin'; breakin' what doesn't bend wrong way through, as i make it to the end of the long To Do

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i post at the prompt, chew big what i've chomped; grew kid to a ghost haunting most of this pomp; listless within this to do list i'm swamped - spirit in fits, corpse slow to go romp

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incautious swatches of saying; watch as he washes the playing: switching the swerving and swaying into some terms of conveying wishes conditions occurred in which this envisioned un-blurred digit could get itself heard and flip politicians the bird

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in the trace of the face off you tasted last, is the scent of the sense made fading fast, so your dreams leak sieve-like hiking past a scared nightmare crew of an all-you cast

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got me a pallet of shall get around to, climb out of shallow kie, it's not about you; just look at the play and see where the props ain't, take out a brush but don't rush it you'll drop paint; stop sayin' you're praying for planet like damn saint but get out and do, do it, do, 'til you feel faint; yes do it, true get into some writing, what you must chew is how much off you're biting, i dust off the lightning and plug it right in, if i play hard enough then my bluff just might win, all this tin in my pocket while walking about til the hat-caving camptown will clean me all out- my ten other projects, pretend money fudge it, i'll sell all my objects and end up with budget; i'd love it if some of my ideas ran, but i'll finish the one and be one happy man

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each piece is news, new peace in reach; tho a few of you choose nude tweets of Preach- but the rest got best bits fittin' here, what tests my pets must sit and hear: forget that past rush last two years going mash-gas fast 'til we're clashing gears, it's clear no room for fear to be, but the info flash is a blast to me- from the crashing sea to the land locked loam, we're lashed to the new word womb to tomb; and it's all fantastic like plastic foam that'll patch like magic a tragic home, or a tech part heart in 3-d print that'll let docs talk too intelligent; it's so elegant, that an elephant could do operations like he hella went: to harvard med my head is full but the school yard's sharp like a shaving tool; i'm a raving fool, but i drink it in, article particles 'til i sink and spin, win wonder i'm under delusions grand- will i sunder illusions and understand? or is it too much fuss will i cuss and worry, will i do what's just 'mid the dust and fury all i know is i go with the flow i find, tryna rein in my brain while i fill my mind

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so often was the A.M. spent prayin' for mayhem, like seeing riots firing inspired me to 'amen'; i'd hate when the job sucked, my robbed luck, i'd get stuck- attempts at free society my hopes and dreams were all fucked; but lately (don't hate me) the game is less crazy- i bust twice as lustrous if bosses don't make me; So new to the bragging, i catch up from lagging and write down solutions more lucid less nagging

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no sleep awake i sit and wait until the mill will dim/abate some whim shall take my fancy fate is to be sleeping dreaming state my eyes won't close i'll type i 'spose i'll write a night time rhyming prose those words i've heard but rearranged their meaning seeming weird and strange i've changed but how i could not say i only know no other way yet days gone by then who was i my mind was mine but what i tried to bind untied it flies! it runs! i rue what once i 'knew'; so dumb- untruth undo what time has done i can't so chant of what's to come oh spin oh sing oh show such things oh paint me what the future brings if won't be still then say your fill i pray my brain abstain from frills and spill the beans and give me scenes of things that help divine the means which plan to make which paths to take? i sit and wait no sleep awake

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rework this

i want things to be different, starting with me; like to find me a new mind, with new eyes to see; like to start a new life, with new ways to be; can't be hard to do right, or this dude might flee- but i like the older version, no aversion to he: the kid who up and did lots, and got up from knees; who figured bigger sub-plots, and thought it was neat; who questioned syncopation, by stepping off beat; so i'd like to start a nation, a tribe or a team; one with no reservations just, a vibe and some steam; a group think to shout out 'thou shalt know peace' and to try it they're provided with some elbow grease; what i mean is, i think it's, so nice to be me; and the thing is the scene seems a singularity; but my brain goes, down more roads, than the branches of trees; and with more crew, i might do, more glancing with ease; so for multiples of loyal, one/two/three: i might try it royal, and become true We

___________________________________________________________________

[prorevenge]

Psycho Ex gets my egoless revenge with a side of heavy-duty karma.

The following story occurred over the course of 13-8 years ago, and I apologize preemptively for the length, because it is a bit involved.

I was in a relationship for 9 years with a girl I met in college. We broke up on the cusp of my 29th birthday. While breakups and divorce are never trauma-free, this one was as close to that as I believe is humanly possible to get, there were no fights and minimal drama, and I moved to a new city to get a fresh start and be nearer my dad/stepmom/half sisters, as I'm close to them and it was nice to have family during this. Get an apartment, start over, everything's good. Then I meet "her."

Things with her seemed good at first. She was the polar opposite of my ex. She's quiet yet nice, had her life relatively together (my first wife was very unfocused and horrible with money), physically a complete contrast, wild in the bedroom--I thought I had hit the jackpot.

Anyhoo, I fall for her hard. We have a whirlwind romance, move in shortly, and we have this glamorous life where we make good money (she was a corporate accountant, I had a decent small business, we're pulling in 150K+ combined), renting a luxury apartment, one car paid and the other brand new, no kids. Things are great, except that we drink too much together and some other underlying issues I'm blind to at the time. We get soused one night and drive to Vegas, and get married on the strip after 6 months of dating and 9 of knowing each other. The ink is barely dry on my divorce papers from version 1.0, but no matter, I'm in love. My family likes her overall. Her family loves me. We adopt cats. We talk about trying to have a kid.

We upgrade our life and take on more debt, just as the housing bubble bursts and the economy tanks, she loses a couple jobs due to her inability to show up on Mondays, and I start losing clients as the ones I have start cutting their advertising budget (my field). Things start to get pinched, and she first starts complaining, then gets petulant, because now we can't spend the way we used to, the quarterly mini-vacations dry up, plus we're cooking at home instead of going out to eat 4x a week. We basically stop having sex a little more than a year into the relationship (didn't realize it then, because I was dumb and love-blind, but she cheated on me during this period).seRealizing what we're up against with our normal bills plus our credit cards, I go out and get a job bartending at a posh resort, the only other real skill I have at the time that's marketable. I get two other part time gigs to help make ends meet. She still complains, and throws me an ultimatum before I even start getting paychecks, laying the blame at my feet. I say fine, screw this then. Had we stuck it out even a few more months, things would have started to turn a financial corner. Instead, she goes full two-faced, mean-spirited bitch on me. The night we first fight, she "attempts suicide" by scratching her wrist with a leatherman, then calls 911, gets admitted to the hospital (I arrive home to cops telling me this), and has the security guard toss me when I show up to see if she's okay because she doesn't want to talk to me. I use the quotes because there was a small collection of firearms nearby I bought for her target shooting hobby which were untouched, so it was obviously just a ploy for attention.

We basically fight for the next week, I give her everything she wants, which includes leaving the house, signing over my new truck to her, and only taking stuff I brought into the relationship, basically enough to fill a small storage space. She's financially pinched so I sell my office furniture for cash and don't even touch the bank account, just take my biz money and one CC I got separate from her. I go to the Bay Area for a few months, financially struggle, don't get the job I was sure was on lock. During this time, I have this revelation one evening--I drink too much and that it's caused a load of problems in my life, so I quit, and I haven't touched a drop since.

Broke and realizing nothing I try is working, I come back to town, live with my dad for a month, find a roommate, then a shit retail job (my business has dropped from 7-8K per month at its height to now around 500/mo), I bike everywhere bc I can't afford a car, and my credit is toast partially due to her love of spending on plastic, so I'm facing bankruptcy. I'm 31, and this is really humbling, but whatever, I'm alive, have dealt with hardship before, this won't last forever. She has kept her house, declared personal BK on her debts, keeps her car, and has been dating a series of men starting a couple weeks after we split. While I never asked the details, apparently she's also reached out to a few of my friends and badmouthed me a bit. This would be mildly annoying, but add in two factors--she's dragging her feet on the divorce due to not having money to file, keeps up contact on the pretense of us needing to talk, but plays emotionally manipulative head games during the whole sequence ("I've realized I still love you, that's why you can make me cry so easily," and other bullshit Hallmark movie lines like this). Also, we live in a suburb that's smaller and tightly knit, so multiple places I go to like my church, the bookstore I frequent, and the coffee shop right by my place, she talks endless shit to people. Says I was a cheater and physically/emotionally abusive (complete crap, but whatever), I'm stalking her, I supposedly stole tens of thousands of dollars from her, the whole nine. Some people actually believe her, I even get threatened by a wannabe biker one night that's literally twice my age with violence, itself a funny story but not the point.

Finally, after some more bullshit and back and forth, she leaves town (more falsehoods around this, including her borrowing a bit of money she didn't end up paying back, and sticking me with a massive overage on our cell bill right before we split the account). My dumb, trusting heart hurts but I'm mostly relieved to see the last of her, realizing she's only nice to me when she wants something. She goes to NY to shack up with another guy, gets pregnant 15 minutes later. Finally sends me divorce paperwork. I sign it and send back quickly, all notarized docs, everything organized and flagged. She attempts to be "friends" and I want no part of this BS. I'm businesslike, she gets upset. She screws up filing, blames me. I say "whatever," straighten out the court issues. One week after the divorce is finalized, the kid is born. No word from her after that for two years, thank god. I get a new career, start advancing in it, and start dating a new woman that I'm still with 10 years later. Weirdly enough, they knew each other, and she didn't like her, partially because one of my ex's infidelity partners was her ex-husband, during a time they were exploring patching things up for the kids' sake (though there were multiple reasons for her distrust, apparently she always gave my wife an icky intuitive feeling).

So flash forward two years. I get a call from my current squeeze. She's just talked to a friend who was also a very brief roomie of "her" after our split. She's breaking up with the baby daddy. There's a custody fight. He's saying he doesn't know if it's his. Will I help her? Well, it's the right thing to do, so even though I don't trust or particularly like her, I say yes. I get the call, and a sob story. Most of it doesn't add up--he took the kid, but thinks it's actually mine, to prove paternity I'd need to come to NY and take a paternity test at one of their facilities, also he hit her, put a GPS tracker on her car, brother is a Russian mobster who threatened her, all very far-fetched. Needless to say, even without this fanciful tale, I generally assume if this woman is talking, it's a lie, so I'm suspicious. Her lawyer calls me, and seems like a clueless shmuck. I get a letter from him, very unprofessional and not even on a letterhead (every other legal doc I've seen has "from the law offices of blah blah" on it, but this is literally just off a laser printer), and says, verbatim "I, M___ K___, am the ex-husband of J___ K___, and was married to her from 6/07-8/09. I have no legal interest in the child." Super shady.

Not wanting to end up in a situation where I've allowed myself to be legally fucked over, I make my own lawyer consultation appointment. Before I can even go, the baby daddy finds me on Facebook and sends me a message. Between calls with him, his lawyer, and the impartial lawyer NY state appoints for the child's welfare, I get a very different story. He knows it's his, he had a paternity test done on the sly at birth because she had been promiscuous before they got together, and she was pregnant so quickly he was concerned. They broke up because she was drinking too much, he busted her with a bottle of vodka as she was driving with the kid in the car. She stood up in court, claimed I was actually the father, and she had no idea where to find me (he found me in 10 seconds online, I'm a tech guy with massive social media presence, a tech blog, multiple writing credits on publications, my frigging name as a domain, plus I've had the same cell phone number for 14 years). Also the other BS was just that, he's an IT guy for a university and his brother works for a carpet cleaning chain, plus just like in our relationship, he never hit or stalked her, etc.

So she, not knowing what I know, starts sending me text messages. I say "Filled out and on its way back to your lawyer," and toss it in the trash. I'm so tempted to send her some poetic message about how the truth is coming back to haunt her, but I resist, because I'm not doing this for her, but rather for the sake of their son and his father, so let's keep my ego out of it. I provide legal statements to all in the court. Tell them I know it's not possibly mine because I hadn't been with her since April 15 of '08, kid's birthday is in Sept of '09 (I remember the date because, due to taxes, I got fucked twice that day). Explain when she was in NY, which is the likely dates of conception, prove I was thousands of miles away on the west coast. Tell them to look through her social media, where she meticulously tagged herself and took tons of pictures of even their mundane locations. Provide a blood sample to a local lab. Tell them salacious details about her drinking and occasional drug use, including her abused prescriptions and a previous hospitalization where she was held for psych eval due to taking way too many pills.

Court comes, and she gets blindsided. Stack of depositions and a collection of statements from me were what sealed the deal, apparently, and the incredibly stupid game she was running is fully exposed. Gets no custody, no support, supervised visitation once a week. I run into her ex-roomie, upset, but instead of giving her attitude, I just calmly tell her the scam J__ was running, then let her "pull out of me" the truth about our split. She's flabbergasted, but also a horrible gossip, so it gets around town like wildfire. People I barely know, including the aforementioned biker, all come up to me and apologize for misjudging me. I'm years past the stage of having any morbid curiosity to check her social media, but every few months she pops up as a "suggested friend," and I notice bemusedly the number of mutual friends plummets from triple digits to eventually 3. Baby's father sends me a massive Amex gift card for Christmas, as much as I make in a week at the time. I call and tell him I don't know if I can accept it, I don't want him or anyone to think I did this for a reward. He virtually begs, saying "you helped save my family. This is nothing in comparison. Thank you." We break down crying on the phone, and eventually form an odd, distant friendship based on mutual respect for each other. I even had dinner with him a couple times when I had to go to NY for biz over the years, and I always buy, because the poor guy has done enough and gone through enough having to coparent with this train wreck.

To this day, she's apparently struggling to stay sober (alcohol and other substances), and has minimal involvement in her child's life due to her inability to show up when expected. Baby daddy tells me she's been in legal trouble, financial issues up the ass, and a string of boyfriends that never last more than a few months. I'm doing well, got married again three years ago, raised step-children, am reasonably financially successful, and rather like my life. Granted, a large part of this story is just karma in action, but I feel like I did the right thing, wasn't petty, and what I did do hit her where it hurts.

TL;DR: Ex-wife fucks my life, destroys me financially, tries to trash my reputation, then tries to use me as a scheme in her custody battle years later. I talk to the court directly, work with the baby daddy's lawyers, and get her exposed for the psycho, lying wench she is. She loses custody, struggles, and the good people live mostly happily ever after.

(source) (story by heymomo7)

[arabellaflynn]

The Eccentric has started a non-profit. It is not going well. He has hired me as one of two "operations managers", but won't let either of us handle any of the actual operations. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that he is rubbish at small business administration. His main issue is that he has no relationship of any kind with the linear flow of time, and consequently no useful time management skills. He has no idea how long anything will realistically take, and, per the famous equation, no idea how much it's going to cost. This is bad under most circumstances, but ruinous when running on a shoestring budget. He is going to flame out spectacularly. It will be very sad. He has resisted every piece of advice everyone has ever given him about how to avoid this, so there is nothing I can do. I have resolved to let him pay me an hourly wage to watch the desk of his beloved debacle until our current engagement ends or I find a better job, whichever comes first. The two of us are friends for unconnected, mainly bachata-related reasons, so I'm not worried on that front; it is going to hit him very hard, though, and I'm well aware that I'm now part of the support system that will have to help him pick up the pieces. A lot of people who have known him for a very long time have come out to give him moral support, which is a good sign for the aftermath. One of them hugged me and told me I was "doing God's work" babysitting him and the project until it imploded. Ah, well. More interesting, and considerably less depressing, is the other ops manager the Eccentric scared up when the job was originally slated to be full time, and I said I could not do 40+ hours a week by myself. I keep wanting to call him the "new kid", which is really unfair of me. He is an adult, albeit a young one -- old enough to buy liquor, not old enough to rent a car. The Novyi is a newly-minted film school grad who turns out to have a number of quirks in common with the Eccentric, although mercifully he is far more laid-back in conversation, and seems to have a mailing address on Planet Earth. He also turns out to have an Asperger's Syndrome tag from before that diagnosis was revised out of existence. I've been giving him the tl;dr guide to Dealing With The Eccentric, which is mostly down to 'I love him to bits but he is not neurotypical, best be as blunt as possible when talking to him, and here is a handy quick-translation phrasebook'. A lot of the things I have brought up that other people find difficult to deal with are things the Novyi sees in himself, although in much milder form. This bodes well for the Novyi being part of the interface layer between the Eccentric and the outside world, assuming the Eccentric ever stop hoarding all the contact info for everybody and actually lets us do that. One of the most surprising ones was when I mentioned that the Eccentric had a friend radius of about five inches, and the Novyi basically just nodded and went 'yah, it me'. That got me curious. I had a hunch while I was stuck on the train home that night and typed 'autism spectrum disorders personal space' into Google, and holy smokes, I did not know that was a thing. Interpersonal distance is an important social signalling channel. It stands to reason that if one of your symptoms is a difficulty deciphering social signals, you'd be irregular in your handling of personal space. I had no idea that the skew was that consistent, though. There's one particularly striking study where the relative differences between comfortable distances for various conditions were almost identical between variable-matched autistic and non-autistic participants, but the absolute distances reported for the autistic participants were universally much closer. It's marked in the trials where the experimenter walked toward the participants, but even more so in the trials where the participants controlled the distance between themselves and the experimenter. The data for one autistic participant were discarded as an outlier when they literally got nose-to-nose with the experimenter without reporting any discomfort, which is a little bit yikes. [Similar results have been reported for trials measuring comfortable clearances around inanimate objects like coat racks. The experimenters spin that into a hypothesis about miscalibration in the amygdala-controlled 'let's maybe don't run into things' warning system, but that honestly just sounds like they're slapping around for a plausible guess. The results are interesting enough without the ass-pulls. Also not doing anything to dismantle my argument that the Eccentric has a really solid case of Weird Brains.] This may never come up with the Novyi again, outside of random chit-chat. It's only been a couple of weeks, and I've no idea how much friending he is interested in doing with a co-worker who is 15+ years his senior. On the other hand, I've already been asked point-blank whether we were at 'handshake' or 'hug'. If he does work substantially like the Eccentric here, he will give at most 2% of a shit about social convention, and the other 98% will be given over to figuring out where he wants to be standing vs. where I have given him permission to stand. I am inclined to think it is probably okay, question mark? I find the idea of an environment where people hug me and are glad that I show up to be quite pleasant, which automatically makes me suspicious, on the grounds that nothing I want could possibly be a good idea. It seems to work out all right with the Eccentric. Hanging on him like a fashionable scarf has never stopped me from saying no when he's being unreasonable, and I can honestly say that my 'no' has never prompted him to withhold affection. It may be an odd dynamic, but seems to be functional. The Novyi has seen me do it, so he knows I do have platonic friends who get clearance. I feel like I'm supposed to be skeptical of the Novyi's ability to know what he's about on the grounds of his youth. That seems unfair as well, especially inasmuch as he's got a good grasp on the 'ask first' part. He got a handshake the first time, which passed without note. The next time I saw him I reconsidered and decided hug was fine; I found out later, and then only in response to a comment I made about it, that he's pretty much always on the side of 'hug', to the point where it is a running joke among his friends. The implied universality of that is reassuring. It seems to be a class feature rather than a targeted thing. I gather from what he's said that it's not that he wants to loll on specific people so much as he kind of wants to do it to everyone in the 'friend' category. The ones who are actually subject to it are just the ones who have given him permission. People who zero in on me make me nervous, especially if they ask over and over and are obviously disappointed when I decline. So far the Novyi is on solid ground. I'm sure I'm overthinking this times a million, but the Eccentric took me by surprise, and to be honest, these are things of great significance to me. Affection was not really a thing my family got into, and I had to learn it from scratch as a teenager when I finally made some decent friends. I have a special sympathy for the idea of someone going through life knowing that standing on someone else's shoes is what feels like friendship, and also knowing that they can't ever do that, or their friends will feel crowded and run. It sounds like a special kind of hell. No wonder I got the Eccentric's attention so quickly when I decided to quit standing so far away. from Blogger https://ift.tt/2Vac7P9 via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[theyrealllegends]

Careful (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Chapter Summary: You’re gonna meet Freddie and I hope you like him! Also, there’s a lot of stressed Rog in this one, before we’re eventually moving to some fluff. 

Author’s Note: Guys, thank you for your insane feedback on chapter 1, I almost started crying when I hit the 100 notes because I wasn’t even thinking I would ever reach them! I love you all and I hope you enjoy the next chapters just as much! Let me know if you have any comments or wishes!

Words: ~1.8k but I’m trying to write longer chapters!

Warnings: Mentions of drugs and drinking, slight swearing and pet names (lol), nothing too crazy so enjoy 

Chapter 2:

Previous Parts: Ch. 1

The flat got quieter as Roger’s exams started. He’d be home with you much more, running his hands through his hair over his books that weren’t as big as yours but with graphs of skulls and different teeth that looked more complex than your longest laws. The amount of first English breakfast tea and then black coffee the two of you drank grew to new extremes but you secretly loved how good it was not to study alone for some time. It kept you going to know that you weren’t in this alone and it sparked your sense for competition to procrastinate less than Roger. Also, he’d ask you the mock exam questions you had and you’d do the same for him, finding out any trouble spots you had to go over again and also teaching each other the bases of your subjects in the process. 

“I’m so sure I’m gonna fail, I should drop out just now!”, Roger moaned from the kitchen table. You were preparing some noodles to feed the two of you for another late night of studying. 

“You’re not dropping out anywhere! Why do you even say that?!” “First of all because it’s too hard”, he said, pressing his hands to his face. “Second of all because I don’t love it half as much as you love your laws.”

“I come from a family of lawyers, I basically grew up with law books everywhere, I really can’t be a standard.”

“You should’ve told me way earlier! I mean, I have a similar - but not inherited passion for biology and I bet I wouldn’t question that as hard as I question these damn teeth and gums and whatnot!”

“Are you sure?”, you asked while you carried the pan full of noodles to the table. “Because I feel like you’re only trying to convince yourself something else would be better so you can stop studying.”

“That’s only half of why I’m done with becoming a dentist. I mean can you even imagine me there, taking care of your smile?”

“Don’t forget to smile”, you said, quoting the name of his band what made him smile in return.

“We’re Queen now, I would’ve told you if I had thought I had enough time to breath.”

“How come?”

“That fucker Tim just left, no idea why but luckily Freddie is our new lead singer now and man, he’s great.”

“Sounds good!”, you told him to wipe the look of anger from his face when he mentioned Tim. 

“It was enough of a pain in the ass to find a new bassists really”, he grumbled on until his face lit up. “Fred asked me to move in with him but I told him I wouldn’t move anywhere without you.” You shook your head to get back to reality after your heartbeat dropped for a second. 

“Rog, you can move in with him if you want to, you talk about him non-stop!”

“Yeah, but he’s not you, Tiff”, Roger said honestly. “I need this”, he explained, nodding to his books, the food in front of him and then looking into your eyes. “I need you, I can’t imagine living without you.”

“I mean”, you say, your cheeks burning, looking at your pasta. “We can find a flat that’s big enough for the three of us?”

“I’ll tell him to look for that”, Roger said immediately and you could tell he was surprised that you considered that but also, that he was very happy about it. You were surprised about yourself, too, really, agreeing to move in with another guy you didn’t know a lot about - and what you knew didn’t really speak for him, taking into account that Roger said Freddie was a heavier drinker than him, smoked more, sang on top of his lungs basically anytime he wasn’t talking about fashion - you didn’t know what had gotten into you, but you didn’t really mind. You felt like it was a good thing, you actually wanted to step out of your comfort zone like that in that moment. “You wanna smoke some pot?”

Your face dropped and your hands clenched into fists - every thought about comfort zones wiped from your brain. “Roger Meddows Taylor. If I catch you smoking pot in this flat or anywhere on earth, I’ll call the cops to get you arrested myself, there’s reasons why it’s illegal!”

“I was joking, Tiff”, he immediately said, trying to calm you down again. “I just wanted to see if my law-loving girl was up for something illegal.”

“I don’t believe you but I’ll let you get away with it”, you murmured and he smiled before finishing his pasta. 

*-*-*-*-*-*

Roger did drop out of his classes in the end and even though he had you convinced he did the right thing, you hated him for dropping out - because it meant he went out to celebrate his freedom and came home freaking wasted as your alarm clock’s digits let you know you’d only have thirty minutes left to sleep. 

“Shit, I’m sorry”, Roger mumbled as you opened your door to check on him. “I swear I didn’t want to wake you.” “Shouldn’t have dropped your keys then, love”, you told him, grabbing his arm to lead him to his room. His breath was hot and came in short yet deep inhalations and his lips caught your attention because they looked swollen. You tried to ignore it when you finally had Roger sit on his bed. He grabbed your hand as you wanted to go for the kitchen and pulled you into him, resulting in his head cuddled against your tummy and his armes wrapped around your waist. 

“Come ‘ere and go back to sleep, babe, it’ll be like I never woke you up”, he said, at least that’s what you thought you understood from his mumbled words. 

“I’ll have to get up in thirty minutes anyway, Rog.” He probably didn’t hear you, if he did he wasn’t paying attention because he just crawled backwards onto his bed, pulling you with him between the numerous patterned sheets and every thing else that was on his bed: clothes, books, you could’ve sworn you heard a bag of crisps or whatever fall to the ground as Roger finally rested his head on one of his pillows and pulled you into his chest that was only halfway covered in whatever fabric it might be. He kicked off his shoes while he kissed your forehead and buried one hand in your hair, the other one moving under the shirt you had been sleeping in. His skin was warm and he moaned softly as you moved to at least lie comfortable for the ten minutes or what you wanted to allow yourself in his bed. He smelled like cigarettes and sweat but there was also a hint of peppermint and clean clothes that reminded you of the flat you two called home right now and it made you calm as you closed your eyes, leaning into him. 

When you woke up, the sun had already risen but you surprised yourself by not freaking out and just carefully escaping Roger’s bed and his extremely chaotic room. He came to your room hours later and just silently started massaging your shoulders when he just saw you there, trying to find relieve in stretching them. 

“Sorry for waking you up”, he mumbled and you moaned instead of a response because - and you would deny ever thinking that - his hands made you feel so good. 

“It’s fine you can repay me in massages”, you told him, leaning into him. He cleaned his throat and moved behind you until you were resting against his chest. 

“Anytime, sweetie. When’s that exam? It’s your last one right?”

“I got one on Friday which is in two days and the last one Monday.”

“I mean, you shouldn’t go out on Mondays but I’d still buy you drinks if you let me.”

“I don’t drink, you know that Rog.”

“I can pay for your Pepsi then, please, Tiff, let me take you out and meet the boys!”

“We’ll see, okay?”

“Sure, babe.”

“Don’t call me babe, Roggie.” He just laughed at your pet name and moved away from you. 

“You want coffee?”

“I’d love some but you’d need to go to the store.”

“I need cigarettes anyway”, he replied, still groaning with all the moving and fresh air waiting for him. 

*-*-*-*-*-*

It was Saturday and you felt the need to glue yourself to your desk, yet Roger somehow managed to persuade you to join him and Freddie to visit the flat that might become your home in the future. 

“It’s cheaper than this one, at least with three people and Fred is really fucking excited about it”, Roger had told you, as he came back from band practice last night. The stress to prepare for your last exam faded a little as excitement got you. You’d eventually move out of the small flat your dad kept telling you was too expensive and your mom found rotten and too noisy from the street. Also, you’d finally see Freddie, the man Roger was such good friends with and you never got around to meet. 

“There you are!”, he said as he slid in the backseat of Roger’s car that you finally agreed to ride in with him. “You must be Tiffany, it’s so nice to meet you!”

“The pleasure’s on me”, you replied shyly yet smiling at Freddie. He wore a dark red suede blazer and black pants and you grinned because you were sure you had seen his shirt on Roger once or twice before. This would be fun, you were sure that moment. 

Except when you looked at the flat, the most gorgeous flat you could imagine living in on the budget your parents provided you, Freddie would be an absolute asshole, to a point where you were sure the landlord wouldn’t want you to move in, ever. 

“I’d lower the rent by 200 pounds, if that’d change your mind”, the lady explained at the end of the visit and your eyes widened in surprise. 

“My dear friend Tiffany here is a lawyer, she’ll make sure you’re bound to that”, Freddie just explained and extended his hand. Your future landlord looked at you and you gave her the best professional smile you could master with all the excitement starting to cook up in your chest, before she sealed the deal by shaking Freddie’s and then Roger’s hand. 

“I can’t believe you fucking did this, man”, Roger mumbled, as the woman motioned for her hardback in the kitchen. “You’re a genius, Fred!”

Tags 

(which I’m really excited about! (imagine me being interviewed drunk with one hand in my shirt if you like?))

@discodeakyy @crazyweirdocalledfriday @blondecarfucker

[anerdquemoraaolado]

Through Chrissie’s eyes

Making Music (or Mess)

After a week in which Smile had become Queen, it seemed the boys had finally settled for the name and the looks, or at least starting to adapt to Freddie's ideas. Brian was having a hard time with it. Every time he checked his reflection in the mirror, he would sigh in frustration as he watched his hair begin to curl. Finally, when Saturday came and he got ready for the show that night, I was speechless to see his new hairstyle.

“What's it?" He sounded scared "I look awful, don't I?"

"Wow ..." was what I could utter, feeling my heart beat harder, unable to ignore his full, perfectly curly hair framing his face.

"Oh, I knew it was a bad idea ..." Bri complained, wailing.

I ignored what he said, approached him and put my hands on his face.

"I didn't know you could be more handsome ..." I praised him sincerely, a little surprised at myself for saying it out loud.

"So ..." he blushed, "do you like my hair like this?"

"It's perfect." I smiled and kissed him, so he would be sure I said the truth.

"Thanks." Brian thanked me, relieved.

The van's horn interrupted us and hurried us to meet the boys, this time I was free to see the show that night, one of the rare times I went to see Queen that year. But finally, after much effort and dedication to my academic life, I was able to graduate, finally being a teacher properly. I just lacked my own class for my professional life to be complete.

While I was looking for a job, Brian continued to unfold with shows, college, and work, and the boys continued to show up in almost every little town and college in the area, facing how they could a problem here and there like the day they stood on the road because of a flat tire, and Freddie, being Freddie, ignored the affliction and impatience of his friends to tell them what was his next big idea for Queen.

When Brian came back from Glasgow, both me and him had great news to tell each other. The van stopped in front of our apartment for him to get off, the boys were so exhausted that we wouldn't meet tonight, all the poor musicians wanted was a good night's sleep. I got up immediately when Brian came in, and gave him a tight hug, even tired, he lifted me off the floor, as he always did when he was excited and celebrated something good with me, so I figured he had some great news to tell me.

"How I missed you Chrissie" he said, still hugging me, "you won't believe what happened."

"I also have some things to tell you." I stroked his hair as he spoke. "But I'm sorry, my love, you're going to release me to let me talk."

He laughed and kissed me, so we sat down to listen to what we had to tell each other.

"Go first," Bri said, and I sighed and smiled, happy for what had happened to me.

"I got a job," I said. "I'll start next week, I'll finally be a teacher in practice!"

"Congratulations!" Brian cheeered, his gaze was full of pride "this is very, very good, speacially now"

"Now tell me, what happened?" I was curious to know.

"Um ... I have to tell you first that a tire stuck in the middle of the road, thank God we didn't suffer an accident or anything, we only delayed a bit and abused of John's goodwill, I confess, but in the middle of that chaos" Brian stopped to catch his breath !Freddie wants us to record some of our songs ... for a potential future album."

"But how? You don't have a studio or a record company, "I interrupted for a moment." I'm sorry, I sounded pessimistic, I just worry, I mean, the idea is incredible."

"So, that's where your news comes in handy ..." Brian bit his lip apprehensively. "We did some quick calculations and it's going to take about three months of work from the four of us to raise enough money to pay to rent a studio."

"And now, with me working, it won't weigh on our budget" I said aloud to him, what I was thinking, the reason why I giving classes was good for us in that moment.

"Exactly!" he gestured with emphasis on what he said "well, even not weighing for us, we still have to sell the van ..."

"Sell the van?" I jumped with fright with the idea, I couldn't help but worry !but how are you going to the shows outside of London now?"

"That's what I thought too ..." Brian turned his head, worried and thoughtful, "but Freddie is confident we'll find an agent for the demos, someone will like it and hire us, and then we'll have a label to manage our shows , Wow!"

He was surprised at what he said out loud, realizing that what they were hoping to happen was, at the moment, daring to think and unlikely to happen.

"It's a great dream," I said, "difficult, but not impossible. And you know what Bri? You are doing your part to make it happen, and that is the first step to make it a reality."

"Yes, it is," Brian smiled, looking at me hopefully. "Besides, I have to start working on new songs."

"Well, then, rest your thinking little head." I touched my forefinger lightly on his forehead "and then you start to work."

Brian soon followed my advice, going to sleep deeply and without interruption. In the following days, whenever he had a little time, or had an idea suddenly, he would run to write down in his notebook. He scrawled the words of the song, hummed melodies, tried to play a little in the Red Special. While he was creating, he always had curls in his eyes, his eyes focused, his lips half open, always murmuring ideas under his breath. Seeing him like this always made me feel like I was melting inside ... I tried to not stare when he was composing, no matter how much Brian knew how much I loved him.

Freddie also appeared at home at one time or another to compose with Brian, make suggestions here and there, discuss the theme of each song they would record, as well as vocal arrangements and instruments. It was unbelievable to see them literally speaking the same language (in terms of understanding music and understanding one another) after the quarrels and misunderstandings of when they met. There was one song in particular that I was kind of present while they hit the last details of it.

"You have that huge gap after the first stanza you can come in with a solo," Freddie suggested to Bri.

"Ok" my boyfriend nodded and started playing, stopping occasionally to jot down what he was composing.

"And after that, I don't want to repeat the chorus, just "seven seas of Rhye" at the end of each stanza," continued the lead singer, "and you accompany me along, just let me do the ending alone."

"Pulling "forever" when we harmonize," Brian reminded Freddie and nodded. "Yeah, looks like it's going to be great."

"But of course it will, don't underestimate our talent." Freddie patted Brian on the arm with enthusiasm.

So they finished their short session of the day, and continued in that endeavor in the ensuing trials and in saving for the expenses of the recordings. After three months, they finally got the money they needed and finally started recording. The poor boys woke up very early because the only time nobody recorded was at dawn. Mary and I would accompany them when we could, now that I had graduated, even with work, I had plenty of time reasonably. Despite sleep and fatigue, there we were.

I could see between Mary and Freddie a certain complicity, a connection that he didn't have with any of us, even with us being close friends, it was something different and special. Both I and Brian, Roger, John and Veronica were expecting an official announcement of their date, but the way we knew them well by living together, Freddie and Mary didn't even need to say something about it.

Thinking about the tiredness we always felt when we saw the boys recording, and as we always ended up sleeping on the sofa in the studio, I had the idea of bringing coffee to the band and the girls (Mary, me, Veronica and Roger's date of the week) to help to deal with the sleep a little. As I made coffee in the kitchen, I could see Brian's uneasy movement around the house. I tried to ignore it and keep doing what I was doing until he opened the cupboards and picked up spoons and pots wildly.

"Bri, what are you doing? You're going to dismantle the whole apartment like that" I couldn't take it any more, and I turned to him, half-regretted that I was staring at him like he was crazy.

"I'm sorry for the mess" he sounded like a child caught by the mother doing something wrong "I promise I'll give it all back, we'll experiment with the sounds and explore the effects as an arrangement, without needing a synthesizer ..."

"All right, you convinced me," I raised my hands, laughing, "this is kinda ... ingenious.

"It sounds crazy now, but you'll see, it's going to be very good" my boyfriend smiled at me excitedly.

"I believe you," I said.

I finished my coffee and together we took the first bus that circulated in the day. Arriving in the studio, what the boys did with the objects the four brought seemed a child's play, and although they were serious about what they were doing, it was clear how they also had fun in the process. Among coffee, music and laughter, we saw a dream come true little by little.