#my brother in christ i am AWARE that people are also suffering in the US
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sillyguy-supreme · 5 months ago
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me: the climate change-induced suffering of people in the global south is worse due to colonialism and exploitation. this is often ignored in favor of an america-centric view of climate change
people in my replies: ok but i’m american and I know that climate is bad. you’re being unnecessarily harsh about this. you know americans are ignorant for a reason
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saras-devotionals · 7 months ago
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Quiet Time 3/30
What am I feeling today?
Kinda frustrated and annoyed. There’s this guy and I want to lose feelings for him. I just don’t think anything could ever happen between us so for my sake and sanity I need to move on. But every time I think I’m fine, I see him again, and all the feelings come rushing back and it’s so frustrating! Anyways, I’m just feeling this way because I briefly saw him last night and then I dreamt about him and it brought back memories that I’m trying to put out of my mind because I just can’t take it anymore. I wish to be free of him.
Luke 14 NIV
(v. 3-5) “Jesus asked the Pharisees and experts in the law, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath or not?” But they remained silent. So taking hold of the man, he healed him and sent him on his way. Then he asked them, “If one of you has a child or an ox that falls into a well on the Sabbath day, will you not immediately pull it out?””
There’s not much to add to this other than it was kind of Jesus to heal on the Sabbath and tried to show how it would be similar to saving someone or something you love. You wouldn’t just let them suffer for another day but you would immediately try and rescue them!
(v. 11) “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.””
Jesús used the parable of a wedding before he said this. That if you are a guest, you wouldn’t take the place of honor (like bridesmaids) otherwise you’d be escorted and embarrassed. And if you take the lowest place, the host will bring you up and take you to a better spot. All in all, it’s to support his point right here. We should not value ourselves so much higher than we are because we’ll be humbled. Rather if we already humble ourselves, we will eventually be exalted.
(v. 13-14) “But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.””
This applies to us now in who to love and care for. We should constantly be aware of the fact that there are people in need, people less fortunate than ourselves. It should be put on our hearts to care for them, to offer what we have, because we’re all human at the end of the day. Our lives are not more valuable than theirs.
(v. 26-27) ““If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”
This verse does not actually mean that we should hate our family or ourselves (we need to love them and us!). But instead, our love for Jesus should be far, far greater! Our love for Jesus should be so evident that all our other relationships appear as hate because of how great our love is for Jesus. Also, as disciples, we all need to deny ourselves and carry our cross daily!
(v. 28-33) ““Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.”
This scripture goes over what it’s like to count the cost of being a disciple. Before you become a Christian, you have to see whether you can be. Are you willing to commit the rest of your life to Christ? Are you willing to keep his commands every single day? Will you preach the word and evangelize? fulfilling the great commission because that’s what all his disciples are called to do, not just the ministry? there’s a lot you need to consider and if you’re not willing to give it all up for Christ, you can’t be his disciple, he says so himself.
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faeriefully · 2 years ago
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You are the most petulant, arrogant, insufferable, sanctimonious little cunt I've ever seen. It's painfully obvious you think you're better than everyone yet you act like this soft little uwu modest christian girl that has never done anything wrong in your life. This is why everyone hates religious people. You people have no fucking self awareness and you literally look down on people while demanding endless compassion from them. If you were my mother I would have blown my god damn brains out. Cunt.
I mean this with the upmost sincerity anon,
I am so much worse than what you described.
I am a liar, idolater, murderer, full of boastful pride, and with lips of deceit.
My best works are as filthy rags.
“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭64‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬
I have nothing of myself. I am a sinner before a holy God. I am dead in my sins.
That is why I need Christ.
“But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4���:‭20‬-‭24‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Nothing of me. All of Him.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬
To God be the Glory forever. Amen.
“So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭12‬-‭17‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Repent. Put your faith in Christ Jesus, Lord of Heaven and Earth.
For it is only in Him that we have hope, joy, or peace.
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historian-crown · 2 years ago
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Ok we all saw this one and in all honesty: This could mean anything. But it made me think again: what is going to happen next story wise. My brain jumped around while listening to a few songs and now i have the theory that both "Terzo resurracted" and "Copia Antichrist" could be true. Let me explain:
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It really hit me today after listening to "hunters moon" again. I am aware that the song is a movie soundtrack, but what if it is more. It is part of the standart album after all. So why not look at it from a ghost storytelling standpoint.
The lyrics are pretty clear "Undead person comming back for an "old friend" and hunting them down". This could easily be Terzo who got resurected and wants to revenge himself and his brothers. "My memories are fading" He is loosing his sense of self in the prozess. Still he remembers who he was and who did take that away from him. He starts hunting down Copia since Terzo is convinced he is behind all of this. Who else would it be? He did profit out of it. He became papa. He has to be the one responsible and he has to P A Y.
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In his rage undead Terzo wants the man who took his life to suffer. Now we have a few options this could go including "loosing his head" cause Terzo did so as well, but what would be most poetic would be giving Copia the most unsatanic death ever...a crucifixion. Shaming him by the kind of death christian martyrs prayed for (i am not joking, just look up the history of jesuits in japan, some of them went there just to fucking die).
To put a timeline on this: Terzo comming back for real would be teased before the summer tour. The tour itself would be played by Copia until the last song at the last show. Copia would be taken captive by a new version of ghouls (i do not say they swap the people in the band, but they might get new personas). Terzo walks on stage and the band starts to play hunters moon or square hammer.
The crucifixion would be a youtube video most likely. Not sure how far they would go in depicting that, but i have a vivid image in my mind where copia is upside down on the cross and terzo is tapping his head 3 times with a black square hammer (cause the christian one used for the popes is white).
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Here sister imperator comes into play. We know by now that she is Copias mother. Like this is not even a theory anymore she almost said in that one facetime video (Take care now, i love you, i like you,...you know the one) that she is his mother, so this is clearly canon. She might be standing next to this scene, holding back tears. She stays there after everybody else leaves and when finally alone she kneels down beside the cross with her her dead baby boy nailed to it and just starts to cry like holy mary did at the crucifixion of jesus. Difference is that she ofc is not holding his feet but his head since he is upside down.
Now we are in a new Terzo era with a new album, maybe even 2 since i think this era could be around 3 years long. Why 3 years? Well it took christ 3 days to come back....maybe it takes the antichrist 3 years. Tobias might hint him comming back over and over again in small details. Nothing huge, just normal stuff like hitting us more and more with the fact that the antichrist is near (smaaaaaall stuff ya know).
Anyways, 3 years later Copia, now with horns and other stuff that tell us he is the true born son of satan, overthrows Terzo again. Here the song "witch image" comes into play. Terzo at some point starts to realise who Copia really is before he comes back (Maybe seestor tells or he gets it ln his own). The lyrics of "Witch image" now tell the story of Terzos biggest fear. He does not want his time to be over. Never want him to appear, but Copia is closer then he thinks. Terzo can now not undo what he has done to Copia. Also the "someones flesh is rotting tonight" part makes me think of Copia draining the life energy out of Terzo. He is undead after all and most likely the energy that keeps Terzo alive cones from the devil himself? Why would the devil feed the murderer of the antichrist? Well easy, Copia needed to die to be awakend to his final form.
Maybe that also explains the last part of the song "But like a mother would save her own child from digging a grave" Seestor knew all along who her child was and that all of this needed to happen. That is why she did nothing against Terzo in the first place. She knew, she knew all along and let Terzo think he won when in reality he is just a tool in satans game to awaken the antichrist.
Copia now reenters the plot, riding in on a pale white horse, to finally end not only the reign of the undead, but also end humanity as the manifested beast.... whoms mark he btw already has on his chest aka the 666 "tattoo" we know about. And all of this just because Terzo came back to kill him.
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Thank you for comming to my TED talk
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shammah8 · 1 year ago
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"Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly."
Philippians 1:14
SUFFERING CAN CONTRIBUTE TO THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH OF OTHERS
A pastor imprisoned for his faith in Eritrea recently wrote to his wife:
God, by His holy will, has prolonged my prison sentence to five years and four months. I very much long for the day that I will be reunited with you my dear wife, our children and God's people in the Church.
My dear, listen to me—not only as a wife, but also as a Christian woman who has come to understand who God is and how deep and mysterious His ways are. Yes! I love you, I love the children, and I would love to be free in order to serve God. But, in here, God has made me not only a sufferer for His Name’s sake in a prison of this world over which Christ has won victory, but also a prisoner of His indescribable love and grace. I am testing and experiencing the love and care of our Lord every day.
When they first brought me to this prison, I had thoughts which were contrary to what the Bible says. I thought the devil had prevailed over the Church and over me. I thought the work of the gospel in Eritrea was over. But it did not take one day for the Lord to show me that He is a sovereign God and that He is in control of all things—even here in prison.
The moment I entered my cell, one of the prisoners called me and said, “Pastor, come over here. Everyone in this cell is [unsaved]. You are very much needed here.” So, on the same day I was put in prison, I carried on my spiritual work.
My dear, the longer I stay in here, the more I love my Saviour and tell the people here about His goodness. His grace is enabling me to overcome the coldness and the longing that I feel for you and for our children. Sometimes I ask myself, Am I out of my mind? Am I a fool? Well, isn’t that what the Apostle Paul said, “Whether I am of sound mind or out of my mind, I am Christ’s!”
My most respected wife, I love you more than I can say. Please help the children understand that I am here as a prisoner of Christ for the greater cause of the Gospel.
Response
Today I will live in the awareness that God is in control of all that happens in my life. My suffering can contribute to the spiritual strength of others.
Prayer
Please pray for the wives and families of pastors imprisoned for their faith. Pray that they will be strengthened and an encouragement to others, despite their own pain.
© 2013 Open Doors International. Used by permission
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riverdamien · 5 months ago
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Shavuot!
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Shavuot: Bring Out the Big Bread!
"Out of the good treasure of your heart the good person brings forth good, and out of evil the evil person brings forth evil. For from the overflow of the heart comes the choice of good or evil" Luke 6:45)
As an adolescent, I was blessed with a Jewish nanny, and from her came my best friend, and the understanding of compassion and meaning of life.
We are presently nearing the end of Shavuot, the Festival of the Week of Pentecost, and "Bringing Out the Big Bread!
Living in a rural community I understand "Shavuot". For each "Shavuot," Lucy commissioned two huge loaves, weighing ten pounds a piece to be baked. These huge loaves of "Challah" are a special kind of bread, braided and eaten on ceremonial occasions. Shavuot is the day of celebrating the new grain harvest. On this day you honor and seek to follow the example of the Creator who instilled that goodness within us.
When I eat a meal crafted with love and care I can taste the sincerity within it, each act of creation displays our innermost being. Which is why I believe that God asks us to create.
Each time I lift the Bread and Wine in Holy Communion, I can see and taste the gift of creation, and our call to goodness and care for others in our innermost being.  . ." For from the overflow of the heart comes the choice of good or evil".
When each of us come together in a new social awareness we find the work of God giving meaning to history. We see each person as a child of God.
For every person on the street,  to whom I give food, socks, and harm-reduction supplies have infinite worth and meaning.
What lacks purpose is an attitude of failure, and not showing care and love.
We as the privileged class do not get our hands dirty. We expect our agencies and our politicians to create change, and in so doing we fail to see the humanity of our brothers and sisters on the street and throughout the world who suffer.
Shavuot is a call reminding us of God's goodness in life, and a time in which the words of Elizabeth Gilbert are highlighted:
"You can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures."
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20th March >> Mass Readings (Except USA)
Third Sunday of Lent, Cycle C
(Liturgical Colour: Violet)
First Reading
Exodus 3:1-8,13-15
'I AM has sent me to you'.
Moses was looking after the flock of Jethro, his father-in-law priest of Midian. He led his flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in the shape of a flame of fire, coming from the middle of a bush. Moses looked; there was the bush blazing but it was not being burnt up. ‘I must go and look at this strange sight,’ Moses said, ‘and see why the bush is not burnt.’ Now the Lord saw him go forward to look, and God called to him from the middle of the bush. ‘Moses, Moses!’ he said. ‘Here I am,’ Moses answered. ‘Come no nearer,’ he said. ‘Take off your shoes, for the place on which you stand is holy ground. I am the God of your fathers,’ he said, ‘the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.’ At this Moses covered his face, afraid to look at God.
   And the Lord said, ‘I have seen the miserable state of my people in Egypt. I have heard their appeal to be free of their slave-drivers. Yes, I am well aware of their sufferings. I mean to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians and bring them up out of that land to a land rich and broad, a land where milk and honey flow, the home of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites.’
   Then Moses said to God, ‘I am to go, then, to the sons of Israel and say to them, “The God of your fathers has sent me to you.” But if they ask me what his name is, what am I to tell them?’ And God said to Moses, ‘I Am who I Am. This’ he added ‘is what you must say to the sons of Israel: “I Am has sent me to you.”’ And God also said to Moses, ‘You are to say to the sons of Israel: “The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.” This is my name for all time; by this name I shall be invoked for all generations to come.’
The Word of the Lord
R/ Thanks be to God.
Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 102(103):1-4,6-8,11
R/ The Lord is compassion and love.
My soul, give thanks to the Lord    all my being, bless his holy name. My soul, give thanks to the Lord    and never forget all his blessings.
R/ The Lord is compassion and love.
It is he who forgives all your guilt,    who heals every one of your ills, who redeems your life from the grave,    who crowns you with love and compassion,
R/ The Lord is compassion and love.
The Lord does deeds of justice,    gives judgement for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses    and his deeds to Israel’s sons.
R/ The Lord is compassion and love.
The Lord is compassion and love,    slow to anger and rich in mercy. For as the heavens are high above the earth    so strong is his love for those who fear him.
R/ The Lord is compassion and love.
Second Reading
1 Corinthians 10:1-6,10-12
The life of the people under Moses in the desert was written down to be a lesson for us.
I want to remind you, brothers, how our fathers were all guided by a cloud above them and how they all passed through the sea. They were all baptised into Moses in this cloud and in this sea; all ate the same spiritual food and all drank the same spiritual drink, since they all drank from the spiritual rock that followed them as they went, and that rock was Christ. In spite of this, most of them failed to please God and their corpses littered the desert.
   These things all happened as warnings for us, not to have the wicked lusts for forbidden things that they had. You must never complain: some of them did, and they were killed by the Destroyer.
   All this happened to them as a warning, and it was written down to be a lesson for us who are living at the end of the age. The man who thinks he is safe must be careful that he does not fall.
The Word of the Lord
R/ Thanks be to God.
Gospel Acclamation
Matthew 4:17
Glory to you, O Christ, you are the Word of God! Repent, says the Lord, for the kingdom of heaven is close at hand. Glory to you, O Christ, you are the Word of God!
Gospel
Luke 13:1-9
'Leave the fig tree one more year'.
Some people arrived and told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with that of their sacrifices. At this he said to them, ‘Do you suppose these Galileans who suffered like that were greater sinners than any other Galileans? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did. Or those eighteen on whom the tower at Siloam fell and killed them? Do you suppose that they were more guilty than all the other people living in Jerusalem? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did.’
   He told this parable: ‘A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came looking for fruit on it but found none. He said to the man who looked after the vineyard, “Look here, for three years now I have been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and finding none. Cut it down: why should it be taking up the ground?” “Sir,” the man replied “leave it one more year and give me time to dig round it and manure it: it may bear fruit next year; if not, then you can cut it down.”’
The Gospel of the Lord
R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.
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darklingichor · 3 years ago
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Lamb The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore
I needed my comfort food.
The plot of this book is fantastic.
In the canonized Bible, we don't have any stories about Jesus' s life from age 12 to 30. That is ripe storytelling ground!
And that is what we get in Lamb. It's told from the perspective of Levi who is called Biff. He and Joshua (Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew Yeshua or Joshua which the book explains but has also been stated by many a Nat Geo documentary) grew up together. They protected each other, learned together, and when it became clear that the time had come that young Josh needed to start preparing to take up his role as Messiah, Biff went along.
See, the middle chunk of this book, comes about because Joshua and Biff know that Josh is to lead to their people to freedom, but Joshua doesn't know how to be the Messiah. So, at the age of 12 he decides that he needs to go and seek guidence from the The Three Wise Men. Biff goes along, because as he says to another character (in a different context) " 'Who would do all of his lying and cheating for him? ' " (pg 77 kindle edition). And so, off they go and what follows is my favorite buddy road trip story where in they travel and learn about the world and faith.
Biff is a rascal, Christopher Moore has said he likes writing about rascals and my favorite characters of his are in this vein.
Biff is the perfect counter part to Joshua. Joshua picks up philosophy, and complex theological ideas easily, he can see the good and the suffering large and small in everything and is determined to help the good shine and alliviate the suffering and he will learn all he can to reach that goal.
Biff, on the other hand, is very aware that he is human with no special destiny that he knows of. His role is to protect his friend and make sure he is able to be the Messiah. As such, he learns along with Josh, but isn't as dedicated. Also, while Joshua has a mind fit for philosophy, Biff's is a bit more analytical. With in the course of the book, while Joshua is developing what would become his ministry, Biff speculates on the following: Gravity, evolution and the shape of the earth. He also invents the pencil.
The thing of it is, and I've said this before, Christopher Moore can write the silliest things and still make a story that will break your heart, and then mend it.
And it's because of how he writes his characters. They're all crafted just so, as are the relationships. The absolute best part of this book is the friendship between Biff and Joshua.
The two are like brothers, they go through everything together. Biff is a believer (this could be argued, as his faith does have it's  moments of weakness,which lead to bad outcomes, but honestly, Biff's character in general is all about friendship, so I'm not diving into that) but as he points out, he is also Josh's best friend, and  he couldn't just sit around and bask in his holiness if he was going to support his friend on this journey. It's like I would think friends of Albert Einstein might have felt. You have to think that they wouldn't always think of their friend as a genius, they would know that the genius is there, but to them, he was Albert, first. The guy they laughed at silly jokes with, the guy that they've seen when he was giddy with happiness, and seen sick with the flu.
And Joshua acts like anyone would with his best friend, in short they like to mess with each other. This is another think I like about this book. Joshua has a sense of humor. Like this part, after Joshua comes back from his fast in the desert and Biff, after catching him before he passes out, gives him food and wine:
' “So, what did you see in the desert?”
“The Devil.”
“The Devil?”
“Yep. He tempted me. Power, wealth, sex, that sort of thing. I turned him down.” “What did he look like?”
“He was tall.”
“Tall? The prince of darkness, the serpent of temptation, the source of all corruption and evil, and all you can say about him is he was tall?”
“Pretty tall.”
“Oh, good, I’ll be on the lookout then.” Joshua said, pointing at the new guy. “He’s tall, too.”
I realized then that the Messiah might be a little tipsy. “Not the Devil, Josh.”
“Well, who is he then?”
“I’m Philip,” said the new guy. ' (pgs 327 - 328, kindle edition).
In the above, Josh could have very well been tipsy, 40 days in the desert, then you have wine?
But he also could have been being a smart alek, he's not going to tell Biff what the devil like looks like, because then his rascal of a friend would tell everyone: "That's not the Devil, I know from devils, I got a discription from the Messiah hisownself!" And what good would that do when the devil can shape shift?
I love a good friendship story and this is one of the best I have read.
I am incredibly biased with this book. How biased? I named one of my dogs Biff. Of course everyone assumes it's from Back to the Future, and I use to explain it (why the heck would I name my dog, who is as sweet as a lump of sugar, after the bully in that movie? Personality wise he's a mix of George and Doc Brown) but it gets hard when you're in a hurry so I just nod.
Anyway, my education says that when biased, pick apart the thing that you're biased about.
So, there are elements of this book I don't like.
There's a sort of love triangle between Biff, Joshua, and Mary Magdalene, called Maggie.
I hate love triangles. They're annoying and just an easy way to inject drama in where there really doesn't have to be any. Both Biff and Joshua love Maggie, Maggie only has eyes for Joshua for the longest time of course this starts out as childhood puppy love.
This annoyance is mostly subverted because Joshua knows early on that he can't do the wife and family thing, so then it turns into a story of unrequited love, but that too is somewhat subverted because Maggie's love for Joshua isn't really romantic and she actually falls in romantic love with Biff. Basically, this makes perfect sense if you have heard any sermon on love. Christians are meant to love God above all others. But before this tangle of emotions are figured out, it's frustrating to read.
I, personally, don't like the part where Biff and Joshua are in India because I feel that the protryal of Hinduism was shallow, and while I suppose it could be explained by the characters and their perspective, it was definitely not my favorite part of the book.
Although I will say that section does show another element of Joshua's sense of humor. Any time some of is described as untouchable, he pokes them.
I could go into all the stuff with the Passion, and the Crusifixion, but then we get into spoilers (there are actually spoilers for Biff's story) and I don't want to to that. But yeah, as long as you won't be bothered by the use of Biblical figures in a fictional story, I recommend this!
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mira--mira · 4 years ago
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Madara and Hashirama for the ask meme 👀
Hashirama
What I love about them:
I really love Hashirama's stubborn optimism. I say "stubborn" here bc I think after a certain point of pain in misery in someone's everyday life, in some way it is a choice to remain optimistic despite that suffering. I don't characterize Hashirama as constantly happy and he can recognize the more realistic/pessimistic possibilities, he just refuses to accept them. I have it in my notes for OoT but haven't worked it in verbatim but Madara would call him "ruthlessly optimistic " and while that's tinged with Madara's own bias, I think it fits quite well.
What I hate about them:
Hashirama is stubbornly optimistic LOL. It's a double-edged sword and I think by the time he reached adulthood in a canon setting, Hashirama was so desperate for there to be peace he maintained his "everything will work out" attitude when he otherwise shouldn't have. There were the concerns with Madara and the Uchiha, his own brothers views that he certainly should have recognized could become a problem, and, after depending on when Tobirama took on students/how old they were, the possibility of biases being passed down and a Danzo like figure coming to power. However this was not Hashirama's responsibility alone to fix. I don't think, despite his love, Hashirama alone could have kept Madara in a village that hated him and a clan that distrusted him. Tobirama was an adult and let his own bias pass under a veil of "logic" and passed that, either intentionally or unintentionally down to his students. None of this is Hashirama's fault, but I think part of the canon story being a tragedy was he was blinded by a bright, hopeful future that he failed to see the early signs right in front of him.
Favorite Moment/Quote:
"To me, Madara was like a gift from the divine."
Even thinking about it makes me melt. It's so sweet and really emphasizes how much Madara means to him. 🥺
What I would like to see more focus on:
In fics? Hashirama's mental health and how his childhood affected him. Most of the long fics I've read focus on Madara. Which I understand, Madara has an arc into becoming a villain while Hashirama is just kinda "there" and it's easy for him to fulfill a support role to helping Madara in canon Au fics. A sort of unshakeable, always optimistic stone for Madara to depend on and stop his downward spiral into villainy. But, what makes hashimada so great for me is that Madara and Hashirama are equals. There will be times one falters and needs to depend on the other, and they're capable of giving each other that support. It'd also be great to see Hashirama struggle yet continue to choose optimism and compassion time after time because that feels more weighty and important than an eternally optimistic characterization that never wavers.
Headcanon wise...this isn't something I've found but desperately want to see (and will come up in all of my own aus) is the connection between the god tree and the god of shinobi who's famed ninjutsu is wood release and who's cells can be used for everything under the sun and are specifically needed to control the gedo statue / ten-tails. 👀 Look when I got back into Naruto and only vaguely knew about the war arc plot I thought Kishimoto was Doing Something with that. He was not. I am.
What I would like to see less focus on:
This is pretty much mentioned above but Hashirama as mainly a support for Madara rather than getting his own (non romantic) arcs in long canon Au fics. Headcanon wise, this is such a small nitpick, but Hashirama constantly being the one described as warm whereas Madara is cold. The big tree can *retain* heat, but he pales in comparison to Madara's ability to *generate* heat.
Favorite pairing with:
Hashimada (Hashirama x Madara)
No one should be surprised. I can wax prose about this for days but it's about ultimately finding someone else in a terrible world that *understands* you that you can grow with and support. I'm a sucker for friends to lovers and battle couples so guess what's right up my alley?
Favorite friendship:
Canon/BoaF- Hashirama & Mito
I know Madara & Mito is more popular, and I do love their dynamic but christ Hashirama needs friends outside Madara and Tobirama and I think they'd be good friends. Canon!Mito would provide a good level-headed perspective and wouldn't have the messy, complicated history like the three founders have together and it'd be good for Hashirama to get a break from that. BoaF!Mito and Hashirama are cousins their relationship eventually progresses to a sibling-like bond. They’re quite protective of each other and gossip endlessly together. Mito’s not as good as gardening, but they do it together and incorporate Uzumaki sealing techniques for certain houseplant decorations. Mito also might know about Madara 👀 
OoT-Hashirama & Sakura or Hashirama & Sai
His and Sakura's relationship is p similar to how I would characterize his and Mito's but with the added hilarity of Sakura being his "student" yet having 0 deference for him once they actually get to the "teaching" part (surprise: Hashirama's most uttered lines are "you do the thing, you know the thing, you know you just...do it. The thing. Madara "translates" a lot of their sessions.) Hashirama and Sai antagonize each other constantly and he *will* tease Sai into oblivion as any older brother would. Tobirama never reacted to Hashirama's mischief in ~fun~ ways and he felt bad about messing with Itama, who was even more emotional than he was and Kawarama, who hero-worshipped him. Sai is the perfect "if anyone messes with you I will personally make them regret being born yet *I* will tease you mercilessly to my hearts content" kind of little brother.
NOTP:
Hashitobi (Hashirama x Tobirama)
I don't do incest. At all. Even "non-incest" aus where they aren't technically related squick me out.
Favorite headcanon:
Hashirama can Speak to the trees.
Either humorously or seriously, I love this kinda, sorta, maybe not quite human power.
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Madara
What I love about them:
Madara is kind and does his best to do what he thinks is right. The “kind” point is a lot of Hashirama talking/flashbacks and the “good” intention behind the Infinite Tsukuyomi. Making everyone a “winner” in the dreamworld, while absolutely insane and full of holes, is odd for a villain’s motivation. His role in the war arc is mostly focused on watching him wreck absolutely everyone he comes into contact with but I love Hashirama’s flashbacks and the glimpses of kid!Madara we get. Madara believed in his philosophy from a lifetime of pain that ended in him losing everything and being manipulated but he was still seeking a way to “help” the most people he could. He’s such a rich character that makes it easy to want to imagine other what-if scenarios where things turned out just a bit differently.
What I hate about them:
Madara takes all responsibility onto himself. This is more speculation because we don’t get Madara’s POV of his childhood or any significant scenes with the clan. However, I think this is one of the primary roots of most of Madara’s problems. If he blamed himself for mistakes that weren’t technically his, he could get into a cycle where he only blames himself and doesn’t seek help/support when he should have and purposefully reduces his support circle because he becomes paranoid that he won’t be able to protect them. A smaller issue that is both about Madara and not is he didn’t fall victim to the Talk no Jutsu, but was Madara aware of what was happening when he was possessed(?) by Kaguya? I forgot but if he wasn’t...I don’t think he’d agree Hashirama’s way was the right way at the end, merely his way was wrong. Because, in Madara’s point of view, the village may have been “better” (used very loosely) than becoming food/power for an alien goddess but it wasn’t good. It wasn’t the solution. Hashirama saying they were both wrong in some way saved the scene but Madara still jumped back to Hashirama’s dream being the right one too quickly imo. 
Favorite Moment/Quote:
“What are you going to do about the second [meteor] Onoki?” 
I’m sorry, that was just hilarious. We see this man slaughter an entire division and drop a meteor from the sky...two kages desperately try to stop it and it looks like they managed to succeed and he just...cool. What about the second? Really cemented Madara is Here and he is Dramatic. A close second fav is him flying across the battlefield to confront Hashirama only for the “I’ll deal with you later” line. 
What I would like to see more focus on:
I really love it when fics fill in the blanks of Madara’s childhood/his time with the Uchiha so that’s always a plus for me. The other thing is Hashirama calls Madara a “fundamentally kind man” and according to Tobirama the Uchiha feel love “too deeply” so I like fics that do focus on these aspects of Madara’s personality while staying true to his prickly demeanor. For headcanons I love, love, love exploring kekkei genkai/ninjutsu/genjutsu and how they individually affect people/clans. Digging deeper so that “fire affinity” means constantly running hot/pushing into possibly having fire resistance/unable to distinguish “too hot” / or even affinity acting like a secondary blood type so even if two people had AB blood if one had a water affinity and the other fire their blood would be incompatible. Also the mundane ways powers can be used (I have some Ideas for non-combat genjustu applications that the Uchiha use and those will come up in OoT 👀)
What I would like to see less focus on:
This again kinda ties into the Hashirama segments, but Madara completely depending on Hashirama and Hashirama alone for happiness. Especially in long AUs where he’s still in Konoha but has a poor relationship with the Uchiha. That’s fine starting out! But if the fic ends or doesn’t seriously work on improving that relationship it just sits a bit weird with me bc I don’t think Madara could be truly happy in that situation. (NSFW start) The other thing I see commonly is Madara is extremely passive/submissive in bed with Hashirama which is...weird to me? There’s also a reoccurring thing where he doesn’t have a lot of experience but Hashirama does and this leads to embarrassment and the aforementioned passive/submissiveness. I understand lack of experience can be embarrassing and I do believe Madara could be embarrassed, but instead of withdrawing into himself I think he’d push through it with something close to bravado and his usual single-minded intensity, for better or worse. I do think Madara usually bottoms in his and Hashirama’s relationship but both of them are as enthusiastic about sex as they are fighting and neither is especially submissive or dominant. (NSFW end)
Favorite pairing with:
Hashimada (Hashirama x Madara)
See absolutely everything else 😂 
Favorite friendship:
Canon/BoaF- Madara & Naori or Madara & Hikkaku 
I really like focusing on the Uchiha clan and exploring the dynamics within it. We get nothing about Madara’s early life outside of Hashirama so this is almost completely speculation. For the angst of canon, I like Madara being close to his clan only to lose them after his friendship with Hashirama is revealed bc he awakened his sharingan over Hashirama and that can’t be easily hidden. For BoaF, a large part of it is exploring the clans’ cultures before they made the village so this necessitates actually fleshing out said clans. Naori and Izuna are v similar in personality and both live to prank Madara and annoy him, but they hardly ever team up bc they start squabbling amongst themselves. Hikakku is stoic and calm in contrast to Naori’s mania and Madara’s intensity but he keeps track of every little favor and Madara dreads the day he’ll act on them because he knows it’ll result in something embarrassing for him. But like all BoaF!Uchiha, they’re fiercely protective of one another and you really don’t want to insult the wrong person. 
OoT - Madara & Naruto or Madara & Sai
I really Madara and Naruto’s dynamic, it’s very entertaining and fun for me to write and they’re both positive influences on each other. Madara gets more people to smother with his brand of affection and Naruto gets early recognition and training. Their weird non-training shenanigans (coupon collecting, gaming, etc.) also is p amusing. Madara and Sai have a similar relationship but I really like writing theirs from Sai’s POV bc he insists that he doesn’t feel close/like when Madara treats him like a little brother when he really does. 
NOTP:
Madatobi (Madara x Tobirama)
Logically, I know why this pairing is popular. Fanfic is saturated with the enemies to lovers trope yet emotionally I Do Not Understand it. Personally, I don’t enjoy toxic relationships, to read or write. And, to me, that’s what a close canon Madara and Tobirama pairing would be. Tobirama tried to convince Hashirama to kill him, he killed Izuna, even if it was in war, and I don’t think Madara could or would get over that. If Tobirama has similar attitudes about the Uchiha it makes it worse. AUs exist to rewrite this, of course, but I still don’t enjoy their romantic chemistry. At best, I like Tobirama and Madara as reluctant frenemies who insult each other and try to one-up each other. 
Favorite headcanon:
Madara is fire proof. 
I have a whole rant about this in OoT’s author notes 😂 Sasuke’s Amaterasu should have been a serious threat when it hit him. Instead the man just lets his clothes fall off then kicks their asses. He’s fire proof.
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In response to the ask game:
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dog-day-morning · 3 years ago
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YOU OWE THEM NOTHING
People can be self-righteous when it comes to what they think God is supposed to do if, and when they call on Him. God is not a genie in a bottle that you rub, and a jinn pops out granting you 3 or 300 wishes. The saying faith without works is dead can be applied here. Have you ever heard of or read the book Daniel Webster and the devil? This tall tale or folklore legend was about a man who made a deal with old Slew Foot, and when it was time to pay up he had 2nd thoughts. Satan never plays fair. He's forever putting us in positions where we find ourselves desperate for a quick solution to a temporary problem that only leads to a difficult end. The Latin term for buyer beware is caveat emptor, and Satan knows how to spell. The power of a wicken comes from their basic weapon of spelling or casting spells by word of mouth. Even the Bible tells us that “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Tell that to a Nicolaitan. Those who make deals with the most unclean should expect to suffer in the end. Never trust the father of lies who deals in treachery, and deceit. I look back at my mother's life and wonder if God had ever intervened for her, and fought her battles that surely He and only He would be able to deliver her from, and He has. Life is hard, for many it’s a nightmare that’s ongoing. Satan comes to you when you're at your weakest or most vulnerable in the hopes of snaring your soul into eternal suffering. Jesus comes to deliver us from death, sin, and temptations that confuse us in our trek towards His truth. If you have any aspirations of entertaining people with your gifted voice or your talent for playing lead guitar, don’t sign a contract that promises you the world only to find out you owe them your sweet ass which a man of honor wouldn't consider let alone make you cosign your body for their horn dog appeasement.
Revelation 2:9
9 I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.
You're abundantly rich in spirit Yacob. Now’s the time to claim your position. These bastards have taken everything from you leaving your ancestors nothing but dust. If they could remove us off the face of the Earth they would. They're plotting to do so as you and I breathe, that's why the Father never sleeps. They are demon spawns who say they worship, and believe in God, but whose god, and what righteous god tells you to destroy a people with his blessing knowing what the children of Japheth have done to them historically? The spawns of Satan want your penuche, mouth, titties, and a-hole for their pleasure along with your talent that Justin Timberlake does not have. The new faces of R&B do not look like the people I grew up listening to or the race of people whose songs left an everlasting impression on my bleeding heart that helped me through my ill-fated, miserable existence. Robin Thicke, Christina Aguilera, K-Pop, the BackStreet Boys, and New Kids on the Block. Some of these groups are defunct, but they’re cranking out as many as they possibly can like Justin Bieber, and Demi Lovato. I just saw on YouTube where people were considering if Elvis Presley was Black, WTF?!! He was the biggest culture thief that Dr. Frankenstein, AKA Colonel Parker ever created. Man is cruel; Satan is a whole other type of bastard you shouldn’t entertain. I'm retarded. Some call me an idiot savant. YO MOMMA!!! People are blessed by the Father who has blessed many of us with gifts. There are many of you whom God has endowed with multiple talents that people would sell their soul in order to possess just one. If you're anointed by God to sing like Aretha Franklin may He lead you to sign with a label like Brother Carl Crawford's who won't make the same mistake he did with a very popular artist at this moment. More than likely you'll sign a contract entrusting your talent, blessing, and soul to the most unclean ones. Ain’t a reason in hell you should bow down or bend over for a leach like Mr. Friedman so he can butt bone your a-hole while enriching himself off your God given talents. God blesses those who seek him out, and those that don’t. I don’t know if Eddie Murphy went to Church, and sowed an offering every Sunday to God praying that the Father would make him the highest paid comedic actor in his prime. Richard Pryor was anointed in the womb to be the most blessed comedic talent, and influential comedian to ever walk this Earth bar none yet he and Mr. Murphy pursued their dreams in different ways with both of them becoming world renown. I'm inclined to ask, was it worth it?
Mark 8:36
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
The synagogue of Satan isn’t a trending pop culture manifestation that’s to be esteemed, cherished, or envied. These cults are trying to maintain a stranglehold on a world that’s not meant for them or their sort. People who play with Ouija boards or childhood games like Bloody Mary, and light as a feather are ushering dark spirits into their homes leaving their loved ones exposed to something sinister. Get the hell away from me and mine unless you're my sister, AKA Ms. Skunk Funk, who needs to get the crust burnt off her musty, dusty drawers. The whore of Don Juan has a death wish. Explain to me how running with the devil beats walking with God?
Isaiah 59:7
7 Their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed innocent blood: their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; wasting and destruction are in their paths.
This Nation was built on our ancestor’s blood, sweat, and relentless faith. Believe me when I say there's strength in every tear. I pray to God that I don’t shed anymore of them. Their wealth is not. It's a stolen Promise that the Father shall reward His children with. Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. The most glaring, and frustrating example that is also bitter and disheartening I can give you is our Promised Inheritance called Yisrael that the gentiles are squatting on. When a person or in this case a tribe or race of people believe in their own lies they've become reprobate; they're lost.
Revelation 3:9
9 Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.
This is what all of Esau's children fear. It's why the bland, colored people of the world are flipping over the Earth's axis, and killing us without any probable cause. They are a lawless people who've displayed their lack of empathy, and humanity for anyone save their own breed, they behave like blood hounds. I've become content with this planet being void of water (Holy Spirit.) Black people suffer from a social disorder called the crab bucket mentality. We hate to see anyone rise up, and we’ll do whatever it takes to keep them down or discourage them. That person may possess something that can benefit the collective, who cares. He who possesses that blessing needs to haul tail ASAP before the winter comes knowing the Father will bless him, and a downtrodden people beyond their wildest dreams. This is why Yeshua, and His Father call us children. It's why I pray, and bemoan to the Father daily that He slays me, putting the fear of the Lord in the heathen and His Son Christ Jesus uses us for His purpose. God doesn't need us, we need Him. He's given us so much power, and authority. When you acquire it, use it for something other than satisfying your sinful, carnal, flesh minded desires. Men, don't behave like horn dogs, and women do not behave as Aholah, and Aholibah, 2 whores.
Numbers 32:24
24 Build you cities for your little ones, and folds for your sheep; and do that which hath proceeded out of your mouth.
Out of thine own mouth you have power to tread over snakes and scorpions. You can exorcise demons and devils out of your present life braking generational curses which is what I' want for a family that's disowned me. To God be the glory. God is telling us to declare a thing, and claim it. What a mighty, just God we serve. Your tongue will become a weapon to use against the lawless ones who use theirs recklessly in their attempts to get us arrested or murdered by local, and federal authorities. You can call it giving them a taste of their own medicine, it isn't. You're reclaiming what they've taken, stolen, including those of us they've murdered.
Isaiah 54:17
17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. Speak positive prayers out loud if you can. If you live with your family or have a roommate pray in the closet. You'll have favor with God that many people won't. They rebuked the Lord, and their anger did tear perpetually, and they kept their wrath forever. When they use their privilege, which is what we call it more often than they, comprehending they’re fully aware knowing they use it with a Demonic, driven hatred. They persecute Black men, women, and children for reasons that are not godly, and the Father does not condone. They, and all the Earth will have to answer for our individual sins against the Father in the end.
Luke 10:19
19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.
We don’t worship the same god as they do. They're praying to a god to erase us off the face of the Earth. Why hasn't he?.
Exodus 1:12
12 But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel.
Their birth rate is dropping steadily. For the first time in the history of the census they decreased in population globally while indigenous, and other races of people stayed steady or in our case increased. This is the reasoning behind these draconian abortion laws. They're trying to preserve themselves while God is eliminating the Earth of their bloody dominion. God is sending the wicked a message before the storm comes, but no one's listening. Their violence towards us is documented, and more often it's unprovoked. They continue with the guilty until proven worthy of their mercy dogmatic mantra which is racist BS. The Earth will be lulled back to sleep. When they're confident that their world isn't in danger of being challenged by anyone, especially us. That's when God will do things that will scare them right back to the caucasus mountains bringing destruction to those who've touched, bruised, and abused the Apple of His eye. Speak life into your angel spirit, don’t entertain the demon seed that's trying to kill you, and the rest of Earth's indigenous people. You have much authority, use it. Elohim. 9/23/2021
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noladyme · 4 years ago
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Skip To My Lou, My Darling - Chapter 5, Bloody Demons I
Disclaimer: I posted this story a few days ago, hating it, and regretting it the minute it was up. I re-wrote it, and hope you’ll like it.
The road so far…
Waitress. School teacher. Bartender. Hunter. Lulu has come a long way since she first met the Winchesters, including the father, John. Having left behind the occult for a life of peace, she was ripped out of it, when – once again – the Winchesters came in to her life. Realizing she is in the life now – for good – she also made a decision for herself. To live that life without the only man she has ever truly cared for. Both to keep him and his brother safe from leviathans, angels and demons; but also, because she doesn’t trust that her feelings for Dean are true – and not part of some higher plan set up by celestial powers.
Our story continues in season 8
Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added) @edonaspanca​ @wonderlandfandomkingdom​
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You’d be surprised how much info you can get in a library. This statement might seem ridiculous, because – of course – a library holds all the knowledge in the world. But there’s more than what you can find in books. There’s peoplewatching.
If you look at what people check out, you’ll learn a lot about them. That middle aged woman checking out a book on auto repairs – her car broke down, and he husband usually takes care of those kinds of things; but now he’s left her for a younger woman. The teenage boy with the masses of comic books in his arms – odds are there is at least one My Little Pony comic among them, that he’s too embarrassed to buy at a store; so he goes to the library to get it, hiding it among comics about big breasted women and superheroes. The woman sitting alone at a table with a massive paper cup of black coffee; surrounded by books on local history and papers and notes on the occult – if you came into the library on that specific day; that was me. And I was hunting a ghost.
I’d spent more than a year salting and burning my way across the states; avoiding any real fights, and sticking to the easier and more obvious cases, where all I needed was to open a grave, and take care of the bones. Managing to convince my ex, Pete – who was still reeling from the traumatic temporary memory loss he’d suffered, after being kidnapped by leviathans – to send my belongings to my friends in San Francisco; I was now free to disappear for good. No strings attached; save for the occasional call to Raul – letting him know I was alive, and still serving beer in Alaska. In reality, I was in Hartford, near Sioux Falls, South Dakota; having just picked up a box of old papers stood in the basement of a good acquaintance.
“How was your visit with the good sheriff?”, a female voice asked me. I jumped in my seat; having been deeply invested in a piece of paper scribbled over with rantings of what seemed like a madman – who’s every tenth word was balls. “Jesus Christ, Tamara”, I hissed. “You scared the crap out of me!”. My friend sat down across from me, and took the paper from my hand. “Bobby Singer… I still can’t believe what happened to him”, Tamara said sadly.
I rested my elbow on the table, and took a sip from my coffee. “When did you last see him?”, I asked. Tamara’s face was ghosted with sadness, before she met my eyes. “Years ago. Back when Isaac…”. She didn’t finish the sentence. “You never told me what happened to him”, I said. “I mean, you don’t have to…”. She smiled slightly. “It’s all right”, she said. “Demons. We were working on taking out a whole group of them, when… he didn’t make it”. She sighed. “Bobby was there; along with some younger lads… Sam and Dean Winchester. Heard of them?”.
It had been a long time since I’d heard those names. Even Jody didn’t mention them to me, when I checked in with her – as she’d insisted I do weekly, after that one time I called her from the ER, telling her about a tulpa in Minnesota; that I needed her to have the brothers check out. I’d had no idea what to do with it; and had ended up with a nasty gash down my ribs. She’d told me she hadn’t been in touch with them for months, and didn’t know how to reach them at the moment. I’d thanked her, but when she heard the sadness in my voice, she’d insisted on picking me up, and I’d spent a few days on her couch; eating lasagna and watching daytime tv. I’d been too afraid to decline, when she used her mom-voice on me.
I swallowed hard. “You worked with them?”, I muttered. “Only that once”, Tamara said. “Why, you know them?”. The corner of my lip twitched. “I saw that!”, Tamara gasped. “What?”, I croaked. “Which one…?”, she whispered. “Sam… he’s got that tall broody thing going”. She smirked at me as I looked away. “Oh… Dean… Sure you didn’t catch anything?”. “Tammy!”, I hissed. “Don’t you Tammy me!”, she retorted. “That car… is it to compensate; or does he not need that…?”. I met her eyes, and gave her a crooked smile. She grinned widely at me. I shook my head. “I have work to do”, I muttered.
Forcing myself to ignore the memory of Dean and his car – and Dean in his car; with me on his lap – I returned to the 1950 death of a young woman, who had ever since been seen, once a year, walking over a bridge near a lover’s lane. Tamara sighed. “I need to get to Kansas”. “That vampire nest?”, I asked, taking another large sip of my coffee. She nodded. “You sure you don’t want to join me? Girls trip?”, she asked. “You have all the help you need up there; and I never took down a vamp before. I’d just get in the way”, I answered. “But thank you for the ride here”, I added.
She stood up. “You, my friend, need a car!”. “Yeah… Digging up old graves and reading weird books doesn’t exactly pay well”, I muttered. The last car I’d had, had broken down three months earlier. She looked at me with worried eyes. “You can’t keep hitch-hiking across the country, love”, she said. “Bloody dangerous, that is”. “I’ll be fine. Really”, I smiled. I stood up, and hugged my friend goodbye; and promised to call if anything came up, she needed to help out with.
I took a bus back to my motel, and settled in for the night; with a beer and some day-old pizza. My burner-phone buzzed; and recognizing the number, I picked up. “Hey, Jody”, I said. “Did I forget something at your place?”. “Hey, sweetie. Uhm…”. “What? Jody…”, I demanded. “I just had a visit from a weird guy in a flasher-coat… he was looking for you”, she said. Castiel, I thought to myself – my heart leaping from my chest. “What did he… Did he hurt you?”, I asked; by instinct reaching for the angel sword. “No… But he wanted to know where you were”. She sighed. “Look, I don’t mind being your switchboard receptionist; god knows, things around here can get downright dull. But this guy…”. I chewed my lip. “I’m sorry, Jody… Did you tell him where I was?”, I asked. She scoffed. “You won’t even tell me yourself. How could I?”.
I sighed; unsure whether it was in relief, or something else. “You know, I’m aware you’re close by… I could just check all motels in a 40-mile radius for check-ins by classic rock superstars…”, Jody said, a smile in her voice. “Going full cop on me?”, I grinned. “I don’t use those anymore… too obvious”. “Burlesque names then?”, she said. “You caught me…”, I replied. As it was, I was checked in as Justinia Timberlake; going with boybands – for reasons I didn’t want to admit to myself. “Thanks, ma’…”. “Well, that makes me feel old… Anyway, he said he’d be back later tonight. Needed to find you. Do you want to be found by him?”.
I took a deep breath, pondering the question. No, I didn’t want to be found by the person who’d let leviathans loose on the world; causing me to be almost eaten by one 18 months ago. Yes, I wanted to see my friend; to know he was ok. He hadn’t hurt Jody to get to me, so maybe he was good Cass again. I sighed. “When he comes, tell him… Tell him I’ll be in the shower at the Motel 6 in Hartford. Room 13”. I’d know when he arrived if I could trust him. “That sounds… Ok, I’ll tell him. Be careful, Lulu”. “I will. Bye, Jody”. I hung up; and began preparations.
---
Bobby’s journal had helped me out quite a bit in the last year, helping me keep under the radar by pointing out which motels were off the beaten path; and which monsters to stay clear of. Even after it seemed the leviathans had disappeared, I still kept well away from anyone and everything that might put me in contact with angels and demons – and the Winchesters for that matter.
Another thing it had taught me was the sigil I was currently writing on the wall; while still wincing in pain from the gash in my palm I’d cut to draw blood. All my belongings were in my backpack – which I was wearing – and my sword was in my hand. I was ready to repel a crazy angel; and to skip town quickly. I took a deep breath, and readied myself.
After what seemed like forever – just standing next to a bloody scribbling on a wall – I felt a gush of wind; and Castiel stood in front of me. He was covering his eyes with one hand, and holding out a towel with the other. The sight brought joyous tears to my eyes.
“Cass…”, I breathed. The angel carefully parted the fingers over his eyes – and satisfied that I was indeed dressed – he dropped the towel, and smiled at me. “Lulu. It is good to see you”. I dropped my sword, and leapt over to embrace my friend. Castiel reacted as he’d always done when I showed him affection; by tensing up, and gently patting my head. He smelled like old librarian mixed with fresh air, and – for some reason – musk and gunpowder. He’d been with them.
I let go of him, and stepped back. “What happened? Are you ok?”, I asked. The angel smiled amiably. “Yes. I am… myself again”, he said. “I have to apologize for our last meeting. I was… different”. I gave him a crooked smile. “I wish I could say it was water under the bridge, but you did kind of bad-touch me”, I said. “Not sexually, I mean… but still”. Cass chuckled. It was a strange – almost human – reaction. “Yes, I carved words into your bones. It is also why I haven’t been able to find you”.
I took off my backpack, and got out the small first aid kit I had in it. Castiel frowned. “I’m sorry, but I can’t heal you. I need to save my strength”. I shrugged. “It’s fine. I’ve been taking care of my own wounds for over a year”. “Yes, that is what others have told us…”. My breath hitched, and I tried to seem indifferent. “Us?”, I croaked; and began running a bandage around my hand. “Yes”, Cass nodded. “Me, Sam… and Dean. We’ve been looking for you for a few weeks. We need… your book. Bobby Singer’s book”. Just the book. Of course, it was just that. “We are working on… something”. I let out a scoffing laugh. “Well call me not surprised”, I said.
Cass stepped towards me. “So… you’ll give me the book?”. I narrowed my eyes at him. “No”. “No?”, Cass retorted with a confused look at me. “That’s right”, I smiled. “It’s mine”. “But… we need it”.
I took a deep breath; and made a decision. “Where the book goes, I go… So, I’ll go with you”. Castiel’s eyes lit up. “You will? That’s… good. I think”, he smiled. “I can take you right away”. He stepped towards me. “Wait, stop!”, I said. Cass halted. “Where?”. “Lawrence, Kansas. It’s a safe place, don’t worry”, the angel smiled.
I looked down at my feet. I was wearing my boots; that was good. I packed up my backpack, and put it on my back. I picked up the box of Bobby’s old papers; but Cass took them from me, so I wouldn’t have to carry them. “Ok… let’s go”, I croaked.
Castiel lifted an arm, and walked towards me; putting his hand on my shoulder.
---
We were standing by a large mound with what looked like an old factory building seemingly growing out of it. My legs felt like jelly, and Cass grabbed my arm to steady me. “We’re here”, he said. “Where’s here?”, I asked breathily. “I’ll show you”, Cass smiled. We walked up a small road, and passed a black car I recognized from my past – and my dreams and nightmares. Cass led me to a metal door sprouting from the mound. “It’s inside”, he muttered, and opened the screeching door for me.
I stepped inside and was met by a dark spiral staircase leading downwards. Castiel walked ahead of me; which I was thankful for, as I didn’t trust my own legs, and would rather be caught by him, than fall and break my neck. Suddenly a warm light hit me, and I stepped out on a balcony overlooking a large room outfitted with a large table made out as a map. The scent of library hit me, and I understood why Castiel had smelled the way he did when I hugged him. The large room was warm and inviting; but also looked very official, with it’s filing cabinets, and papers on the table.
Castiel walked ahead of me down another flight of stairs, and put the box of papers on the mapped table. “I’m back!”, he called out. “About time!”, a voice that sent shivers down my spine growled. “Please tell us you got something. At least dinner”. “I’m afraid I didn’t have the time to get food for you”, Cass said, and walked towards a large archway leading to another room further inside the bunker – as I decided this place was. “Dude, I gave you 20 bucks for burgers!”.
I considered turning around and leaving. I screamed at myself internally to just haul ass up the stairs, and never come back. But I couldn’t.
Castiel stood in the archway, and looked up at me. “I brought the journal… And a guest”. “You shouldn’t bring people here”, I heard Sam’s voice. My heart pounded, as I heard footsteps across hardwood floor; and then my 6’4 friend stood in the archway with the angel; looking the direction he was. His jaw instantly dropped, and his eyes sparkled.
“I want my 20 bucks back, dude”, Dean said as he joined the other two. “I could eat a…”. He looked up. “Lou…”. Castiel frowned. “You can’t eat…”. “Shut up”, Dean croaked, stepping down the few stairs into the large concrete floored room.
I took a gasping breath; having to remind myself to breathe at all. “Hi…”, I rasped. Dean seemed unsure what to say. “Hey…?”. I began descending the stairs into the room; taking care to hit every step just so, so I wouldn’t trip. Before I hit the last step; Dean took four long strides towards me – and threw his arms around me – holding me tight against him. I put my arms around his neck, and he lifted me down the last steps. Musk, gunpowder, whiskey – Dean. My warm, constantly five o’clock shadowed, strong; yet so fragile, Dean.
I had to tear myself from him; taking short breaths, and trying desperately not to inhale him even further. It was agony. His eyes where as deep and soulful as ever, and the corner of his lip lifted; giving him an expression I couldn’t define as whether being relief, joy or pain – or maybe all three at once.
“Lulu?”, Sam croaked from behind me. I turned around, and threw myself into his arms, earning a spin in the air, as he lifted me. “Hi, Sammy”, I breathed. He squeezed me tightly. “Air!”, I gasped. “Sorry”, Sam chuckled, and put me down; before stroking my cheek.
All four of us stood for a moment, before Castiel cleared his throat. “Well, Lulu is here now. She has the book”, he said. “We can get on with our work”. “Just give us a moment here, Cass”, Sam said. “How are you, Lulu? We’ve been looking for you”. ”You shouldn’t have”, I muttered. “I know, you made that pretty clear last time we heard from you. But…”, Sam began. “We need Bobby’s book”, Dean said; having stepped up next to me. Right, the book.
I raised a brow at him. “My book. And you can’t have it”, I said. Dean frowned. “But… we need it”, he said. “So do I”, I retorted. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Why does it feel like we’ve had this conversation before?”. “Because we did, agent Osbourne”, I chuckled. “Right”, he smiled.
Sam – who apparently just needed a bucket of popcorn for the entertainment he was getting from our conversation – stifled a smile. “Lulu, we’re working on something pretty big here”, he said. “What?”, I asked. “Saving humanity”, Dean said. “Again?”, I sighed. Sam let out a soft laugh. “Wouldn’t be us if it wasn’t, right?”.
I walked up the stairs into the other room, which walls were covered in filing cabinets and books. “What is this place?”, I asked, in awe. Sam followed me into the room. “This is The Men of Letter’s bunker”. “Who are they?”. “Us… now”, Dean shrugged. “We’re kind of like a secret society”. His smugness was tangent of embarrassing. “Look, we’ll fill you in on whatever you want…”, Sam began. Dean cleared his throat, and suddenly looked at his brother with hard eyes.
I rolled my eyes. “This again…”, I muttered. Dean frowned. “What?”. “We need to keep you safe. Keep your head low. Stay here. Go there”, I imitated his growling. “I don’t sound like that!”, Dean growled; proving my impersonation had been right on. He frowned at me, looking cute as a button doing so. I sent him a pouting smile. “Whatever. We need the book”. “And I told you. You can’t have it. I need it”. “For what?”, he grunted. “For jobs”, I replied.
Dean pursed his lips, and blew out a deep breath; clearly trying to control himself. “So you have been… doing jobs…”. “Of course I have”, I said. “What else am I supposed to do? Officially, I think I’m probably dead. There aren’t a lot of teaching gigs out there for dead chicks, who hit the road with fugitives”. He stepped over to me, and grabbed my hand. “And what’s this?”, he asked, pointing at the bandage on it. “A precaution”, I said. “Against me”, Castiel said. “Lulu was right to be careful. Last time she saw me…”. He looked down in remembrance; clearly still ashamed of his former actions.
Dean unwrapped my hand. “Sam, this needs stitches”, he grunted. I tore my hand from his grasp. “I’m fine”, I muttered. “You’re not fine, Lulu. You’re bleeding. Just let us fix you up”. I shook my head in surrender. “There’s a needle and some floss in my bag”, I said, and took of my backpack. “We have actual medical supplies now”, Sam smiled, and disappeared through a door.
Castiel slipped away as well, leaving me and Dean alone in the large room. I sat down at one of the large tables. Dean sat on the edge of the table. “So, hunting?”, he muttered. “How’s that treating you?”. “Well enough”, I said. He clenched his jaw. “Huh… How do you take down a werewolf?”, he asked. “Silver bullet”, I said. “Vampire?”, he continued, raising a brow at me. “Decapitation or fire”. “Shojo?”.
I let out a frustrated breath. “I have no idea, Dean. Never met one”, I said. “Never met a werewolf or a vampire either”. “Good, you’re not ready for any of that”, he said. “You shouldn’t even be here right now”. “It’s not safe”, I imitated him again. “Stop”, he grunted. “You have no idea how to be a hunter. Or what you’re getting yourself mixed up in by coming back here with Cass”. I clenched my jaw. “You’re right on one of those two accounts”, I said. “No, I don’t know what you’re working on, and it’s probably much to dangerous for me. But yes – I do know how to hunt. At least partly. And I’m learning as I go. Isn’t that what everybody does?”. He scoffed, and shook his head with a sarcastic smile. “In over your head, sugar”. “Screw you, Dean”, I growled.
I got of my chair; almost making it topple over from the force of my movement. “I have been working jobs all over for a long time now”, I hissed. “I’ve been playing it safe, yes; but what I’ve been doing, matters!”. Dean rolled his eyes. “Lou, you’re…”, he began. “A newbie. Unskilled, untrained; and with a desperate need for better equipment than the .45 you gave me 18 months ago”. I drew my lips back in a sneer. “But I’m not an idiot, and I don’t want to die. I’m not gonna throw myself at monsters I know nothing about, and can’t take down. But I have to learn to survive in this job, and I’m learning by working”. He shook his head. “You have no idea what you’re talking about”. “Then tell me!”, I yelled. 
Dean suddenly laughed. The gesture made me want to smack him across the face, but my hand still hurt from the cut. I snatched Bobby’s journal from my bag, and held it up. “You want this?”, I snarled. “Then you treat me with a little more respect for what I’ve been doing the last year!”. I grabbed my bag, and stormed towards the stairs. “Lou!”, Dean called after me. “Go to Hell…! Again!”, I yelled over my shoulder.
I heard him run after me, and he grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry”, he said. “Really…”. I turned around to face him. “I don’t need your permission to do something I’m actually kind of good at”, I said. “You don’t know…”. “You’re right. I don’t”, Dean said earnestly. “So, tell me… please. Maybe I… we can help”. I calmed my breathing. “Let go of my arm”, I croaked. He instantly stepped back.
Sam returned with a box. “We’re out of disinfectant”, he said. “Whiskey it is”, I muttered. “Please tell me you have that”.
---
Soon after, we were seated at the big table; as Sam was carefully stitching up my hand. “So, Ohio… ow! Bloody hell, Sam!”, I hissed, as he poked the needle through my skin. “New curse words, Lou”, Dean chuckled. “And fancy English ones as well”. I smiled. “Yeah, speaking of Ohio… ow”, I continued. “A crazy nurse had been killing patients in the 40’s; and the hospital was closing down – pissing her off something fierce… ow”. “Sorry”, Sam muttered, and pulled at the surgical thread. Dean poured me another drink. “Go on”, he said.
“She was suddenly nabbing pretty much every and any patient she could”, I said; before taking a sip of the whiskey. “I was looking up where they’d buried her after her execution, but it turned out she’d been cremated”. “What did you do?”, Sam asked. He made a final stitch. “Remind me to smack you across the face, when this heals up”, I muttered. “That hurt!”. He chuckled at me, and began wrapping up my hand in a clean bandage. “I found out from an old picture that she had a locket around her neck; which they took from her before she died. It was displayed at a museum in Dayton; and when I tracked it down, I met another hunter”. I looked up at Dean. “Tamara”.
Dean looked stunned. “Tamara? As in British Tamara?”. “Yeah”, I smiled. “She’d gotten there before me; and like me, suspected a strand of hair might be stuck in the locket. I distracted the security guy long enough for her to nab it”. “How?”, he frowned. I looked at him innocently, biting my lip. He looked at me exasperatedly. “You didn’t… Please tell me you didn’t…”. I rolled my eyes. “Sleep with him? No. I just flirted with him a little”. Dean swallowed hard. “You do that all the time”, Sam grinned. “That’s totally different!”, Dean growled.
Sam shook his head. “Then what?”, he asked. “Salt and burn”, I smiled. “Which is pretty much all I’ve been doing. I haven’t been taking on anything hardcore. Yet”. “Really?”, Dean asked warily. I grimaced. “Well… about 9 months ago I came across a tulpa. I thought it was just your every day ghost, and I was just checking out the house; when it attacked me. Salt didn’t work, or iron…”. Dean suddenly looked tense. “What did it do to you?”, he growled. I lifted my t-shirt slightly; exposing a mostly white scar down my ribs. Dean reached over the table, and made to touch it, but I dropped the fabric, and sat back in my chair; finishing my drink in one go. “I had no idea what to do about it, but Bobby wrote something about you guys taking one out some years back; so I called Jody”.
“I asked the sheriff to help me find Lulu”, Cass said, having reappeared with a bag of Mexican food. “I have… taquitos. And jalapeño poppers”, he added, with a soft smile in my direction. “Ranch?”, I asked. The angel nodded. “I love you!”. Castiel cleared his throat. “I have warm emotions towards you as well”, he said.
“So, you called Jody. Why?”, Sam asked; packing up the medical kit. “To get her to have you take care of it. But she said she couldn’t get in touch with you”. Dean scratched his chin. “Yeah, Cass and I were in Purgatory, and Sam hit a dog…”, he muttered. I shook my head. “Nothing’s ever easy with you guys, is it…”.
I opened the bag Castiel had put on the table, and dived for my poppers. “Yum. Extra cheese”, I hummed. I noticed Dean’s eyes warming almost endearingly; but when I licked my finger for a stray dollop of dressing, his gaze suddenly darkened into something else. He parted his lips, and his eyes fastened on my mouth. My breath hitched, and I shook myself – quickly wiping my mouth with a napkin. “I’m gonna go grab the beer”, Dean grunted; and left the room as quickly as he could.
“So, what are you working on?”, my voice broke. “We found a tablet”, Sam said. “The word of God”. My eyes widened. “The actual word of God?”, I breathed. “What?”. “We’re going to use it to seal Hell. For good”. I nodded. “That sounds like an awesome idea!”, I smiled. “How can I help?”.
“You can’t”, Dean grunted, returning with three beers, and a bottle of seltzer for Cass. “This isn’t on you”. “But you need my book”, I said. “And you’re not getting that without my say so”. He tilted his head, and gave me his trademark smirk, sending electric jolts straight to my core. “We could always take it from you”. With bated breath, I put my sword on the table; keeping my hand on the hilt. “I’d like to see you try”, I croaked. “All right, you know…”. Dean clenched his fists, before rolling up his sleeves. I stood up. “We gonna dance now?”, I said; trying for menacing – and failing miserably. “Let me just get my NSYNC-album”, he snarled.
“Ok, guys! Stop!”, Sam called out. “Lulu, Dean’s right. This is a pretty dangerous operation we’ve got going on here. You shouldn’t get involved”.
I clenched my jaw, and took a deep breath to calm myself. “Tell you what… I’ll go back to my own work; and you three can figure out how to save the world without Bobby’s journal”, I said; beginning to put my jacket back on. “When you decide to stop acting like dicks, and let me in on why you’re trying to mess up my job, by taking away my research…”. “It’s Bobby’s research”, Dean snarled. “That he left for me!”, I yelled. “And it has my additions”. I went to grab my bag, when Dean snatched the journal from it, before I could reach it. He held it over his head, as he had my sword, years ago. “Don’t do this…”, I hissed. “I watched plenty of roller derby games, sweetheart. I know your moves”.
His smug smile lit a fire in me, like none other I had never felt before. I ran at him, throwing my shoulder against his chest, making him stumble backwards, and knock over a chair. The journal fell from his hand, and slid across the floor; and I threw myself after it. Dean grabbed my ankle; and I fell to the floor, on my stomach. I tried to kick myself free from his grasp – and reached the book; clutching it to my chest under me. Dean straddled me – his strong legs keeping me in place – and he twisted my body around by my shoulders. We wrestled for the books, and when Dean grabbed my wrists – forcing them over my head – I finally had to let go. He looked at me with hard eyes. “Take it”, he growled; still holding me in place. “Dean…!”, Sam yelled; running over to us. “Take it, Sam!”, his brother roared. Sam took the book from the floor, and looked at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Lulu”, he muttered.
Dean stayed on top of me – holding me down. His weight on me made my body scream for his touch; at the same time as I wanted him to let me go, and to never touch me again. He looked enraged; but then a thought seemed to cross his mind – one that made him realize what he was doing. He let go of my wrists, and I pushed at his chest hard; making him get off me. Castiel came over, and helped me to my feet.
I stormed out of the room, and down a hallway of doors with numbers on them. Once I found number 13, I opened the door, and stepped inside; slamming it shut behind me.
I took deep breaths – fighting tears and hiccupping sobs. Looking around the room, I tried to focus on what I was seeing, to distract myself. Damn self-help books, I thought to myself. Please help me now. Five things I could see. A bed, a desk, a chair, a book on 1920’s psychiatry, and a dresser. Four things I could touch. I stood up. The floor, the wall, the comforter on the bed, and the gun in the back of my jeans. Three things I could hear. The clock ticking over the door, the drips from the faucet on the sink, and my own footsteps. Two things I could smell. Gunpowder and musk. Dammit. One thing I could taste. The whiskey I’d had earlier.
With one final breath, I felt my heart settle – before it sprang up in my throat again, when the door knocked. “Lou…? Can I come in?”. I stood with my back to the door, not answering. “I know you’re in there. Table 13; always table 13, right?”.
Dean opened the door, and stepped inside, closing it behind him.
“I’m sorry, baby… I didn’t mean…”, he began. “I still… It hurts… even being in the same room as you”, I croaked, and a tear fell down my cheek, as I turned around – making Dean’s face fall into a pained expression. “I keep trying to get over you… Hunting, drinking… sex”. He winced at the last word. “I tried it all, Dean, but it never works”. “I know…”, he breathed. He might as well have added an I feel the same – his eyes gave away the words. “Why doesn’t it work?”, I whimpered.
He stepped towards me, but I held up my hands to stop him. “Don’t… please”. I balled my fists up – forcing my body to stay in place, and not walk into his arms. “You can use my book. You have 48 hours, then I want it back”. Dean nodded solemnly. I closed my eyes. “After that, I’m gone. For good”. I crunched up my brows, and opened my eyes again, looking at Dean with as much determination I could muster. “You don’t look for me, don’t ask for me – pretend I’m a stranger if you hear my name”. Dean’s lips parted, but I continued before he could speak. “I’m done. I can’t… see you. It hurts to much”.
Dean’s eyes watered. “Lou, please… don’t do this”, he breathed. “Don’t throw me away like this”. “I’m sorry”, I rasped. “This isn’t real. If they hadn’t planned it, we would have never gone beyond that first kiss; you know it as well as I do”. He shook his head, and a tear escaped his eye. “I lo…”. “You don’t”, I said. “You think you do; but it’s only because I was made for you. I have to be my own. And I can’t, if you keep popping up in my life”.
Dean closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. When he looked at me again, I saw complete defeat in his gaze. I’d just broken his heart. “Ok. If that’s what you want”, he whispered, a tear escaping his eye. I wanted to say It’s not. I want you. I want us. But I needed a clean break, and I believed Dean needed that as well. “48 hours. Give me back the book, and you’ll never have to see me again. It’s better this way. For both of us”. Dean nodded. “You can stay in here, if it’s easier than being around me”, he muttered; eyes on the floor. “I’ll stay away”. “Thank you”, I croaked.
He left the room, and I closed the door behind him.
---
I stayed in the room for hours, curled up on the bed. At one point, there was a knock at the door; and when I opened, there stood a tray outside, with food and a bottle of seltzer. I sent a warm thought to Cass, and took the tray inside; eating my meal in peace. There was no entertainment in the room – save for the outdated book on psychiatry – and after finishing my meal, I was going stir crazy.
I tried to catch a little sleep, but couldn’t rest properly; and decided to leave the room. Avoiding going in to the library, I snuck down the hall; and examined my surroundings. I found a large kitchen, outfitted to serve a large amount of people. The fridge was filled with leftover fast food and beer; making it clear that the Winchesters had yet to become all the way domesticated. Down a smaller hallway was a large storage room, with things I was quite sure I shouldn’t be touching. I left the room as quickly as I had entered.
Passing another few numbered doors, I went past number 21. The door was slightly ajar, and inside, Sam was bent over Bobby’s journal, seemingly enraptured by what he was reading. He looked up, and met my eyes – sending me a crooked smile – before I hurried away, to avoid conversation. He didn’t follow.
I found what looked like an old-fashioned gym; and my eyes widened in glee. Here, I felt at home. The punching bags and boxing gloves reminded me of my sessions with Raul. I took off my boots, and grabbed a pair of gloves that seemed to fit my hands – turning my attention to one of the bags.
Punch, punch, kick. This I knew. All my frustrations – the pent-up emotions – I let travel through my arms and legs; as I attacked the bag. “You’re angry”, Cass said; having appeared in the doorway. “I’m… no”, I said. “You’re distraught”, the angel tried. “Something like that. I’m sad. Frustrated…”. I punched hard at the bag. “Tired”.
Muscle pain was building up in my shoulders, and I took off the gloves; dropping them on the floor next to me. “I thought you would be happy to see your friends”, Castiel said. I was thinking of a good way to explain my emotions to him. “I can’t… be happy. Not now”. “Why?”, Cass asked. I chuckled. “Talking to you is like talking to Rain Man”, I said. Castiel grinned. “I’ve seen that movie now. Uh oh, fart…”, he chuckled. “But I would like to understand”.
I punched the bag hard with my stitched-up hand; wincing from the pain. I held it up for Castiel to see. “This – pain – I can feel it. It’s real”, I said. “Impact… physical reaction… It makes sense”. “And happiness doesn’t?”, Cass asked. “No, because I can’t trust it… it’s not real”. Castiel looked like he was pondering my words. “But your physical interactions with Dean… those make sense, don’t they?”. I groaned. “Me and Dean… Is… was, more than physical”. “Yes I know”, the angel said. “You have feelings for each other”. “But they’re not real”, I explained. “Why not?”. “You should know”, I scoffed. “Angel…”.
Castiel seemed even more confused. “I’m not following”, he said. I shook my head. “I… just can’t do this anymore”, I breathed. I put my boots back on. “I’m going back to my room. You have about 40 hours left with my book”. I left the room and the angel behind.
I was feeling sweaty, and decided to search for a shower. The many hallways were confusing; and I finally caved, and decided to ask Sam for help. Arriving back at room 21, the door was closed, and when I knocked there was no answer. I opened the door to see if he was inside, but all I found was a made bed, and some clothes over a chair. I walked back towards the kitchen, and bumped in to Dean; who was leaving the room with a mug of coffee in his hand.
“Sorry”, I muttered, as I noticed his coffee having spilt slightly over the floor. “I’ll clean that up”. “Don’t worry about it”, he said quietly. “I got it…”. “Ok”, I nodded. “I just…”. He looked at me hopefully. “I was looking for a shower”. Dean nodded. “Down the hall, to the left by my… by room 11”, he said. “Thank you”, I whispered; and scurried off.
Finally finding the showers, I got undressed, and turned on the water. The water pressure and temperature were amazing; just like everything else in the bunker. So far, everything I had seen here was perfect. There were clean rooms, a well-stocked library, access to training equipment and weapons, and my friends were here. And Dean. I could stay here, and be happy. But it wouldn’t be real.
As I let the water drip over my naked body, I leaned against the wall. I began questioning my choice to continue hunting. I’d have never started in the life, if I hadn’t met the Winchesters – if angels hadn’t put me in their path. Maybe angels had sent the maren after me to begin with. Maybe I should quit.
The thought was comforting and terrifying all at once. I’d have to start over – again. Be a teacher or tend bars; that was all I knew, other than what I had been doing the last year. And I loved hunting, I helped people; even if I never let anyone know why their houses stopped having flickering lights; or why hospitals stopped losing patients who had only minor injuries. I stayed quiet about what I did; didn’t need the glory.
Turning off the water, I realized I hadn’t brought clean clothes into the bathroom; and wrapped myself in a large towel – slipping quietly down the hall to avoid meeting anyone. I passed room 11, and heard voices from inside.
“She doesn’t really want to be here, Cass”, Dean muttered. “Why? I don’t understand. You two…”, Castiel began. “Because it’s not real!”, Dean growled. “Your… ass-butt brothers made her specifically for me. It’s not real, it’s forced on me… and her”. “Dean…”. “Find some way to break this bond we have. It’s not fair to her…”, Dean said. “I can’t do that…”, Cass said quietly. “Why?”, Dean roared. There was no answer. “Cass… just get out”. The door began opening, as if someone was pulling at the knob, and I ran for room 13; closing and locking the door behind me.
Good. He was on the same page as me. And maybe there was a way to break our bond; and make me free of these feelings. Maybe Cass just didn’t know how to, and I just had to find another angel – or whatever – to help.
My phone rang – distracting me from my thoughts. “Yeah?”, I answered it. “Lulu. It’s Tamara”, my friend said. “Hey, Tammy. What’s up?”. “I need your help. My partner didn’t show up; and this nest isn’t a one-woman job”. I sighed. “Tammy…”. “I know, I know; but I really need you on this one. Think of it as a learning experience”. I frowned. It would be a good way to learn, I agreed – and I trusted Tamara knew what she was doing. On top of that, I needed to be as far away from Dean as I could. “Give me the address…”.
After Tamara had let me know where to meet her, I got dressed quickly, and put on my jacket. Almost running through the library, I saw Sam now bent over a strange looking rock, by the mapped table. “I’m going out. I’ll be back for my book”, I muttered, and went to get my backpack, when I realized it was missing. “I packed up a bag”, Sam said. “It’s got some better equipment for you; if you’re gonna keep up hunting”. I looked over my shoulder at him. “Thanks”, I muttered. “Welcome”, he said.
He handed me a canvas backpack, with a little more weight than my own. I opened it, and saw bullets and a large knife, and a machete in a leather sheath. “Silver ammo, iron knife; and there’s a zippo in the side pocket”. “Weres, witches and vampires. Got it”, I said; and put on the bag. Sam frowned. “Where are you going?”. “Just… out. Meeting a friend”, I said. “Do you have a car I can use until I get back?” He threw me a set of car keys. “There’s a Dodge parked a little way down the road. Take it. And uhm… my number. Just in case”. He scribbled down a number on a piece of paper, and came over to hand it to me. I smiled warmly, and pocketed the keys and the note. “How long will you be gone?”, Sam muttered. “As long as it takes. That’s how the job is, right?”, I shrugged. Sam’s face dropped. “What job?”, he demanded. I sighed. “Don’t worry. Your care-package here will keep me safe”, I smiled. “I’ll be back before you know it. Maybe you’ll even have a few extra hours with my book”. “Lulu… what job?”. I got on my toes, and kissed his cheek. “Bye, Sammy”. I ran up the stairs, and exited the bunker.
I found my “new” car half a mile down the road. It was rusty and sad looking; and fit my state of mind perfectly at the moment. I got settled in the driver’s seat, after having set the Dodge up the way I wanted it. Surprisingly, the engine started without trouble; and I turned on the radio. Dean must have driven the car before, because a tape began playing Girls Girls Girls. I was smiling sadly to myself, as I drove the car out on the road at the bottom of the mound.
---
4 notes · View notes
wispandwhispers · 4 years ago
Text
moonboy
Pairings: Prinxiety, Logicality, qpr dukeceit
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Tw(s): Cursing, torture, blood, slightly unsympathetic remy for a bit, implied unrequited love, crying.
Words: 4412
Notes: This is so late I’m so sorry. I don’t wanna write for the next week. Christ.
The moment Roman pulled away, Virgil slapped him across the face.
"Why did you do that?" Lunapuer's query came out in staggered breaths, the type filled by adrenaline. He backed away from the other slowly. "Why. Did. You. Do. That?"
Shit. Should of asked for consent first.
"I don't know really, I thought that It would be romantic?"
The emo has started to pace around the room, "This doesn't make sense. You  hate me. You despise the fact I breathe, you design a personalised ring of Dante's inferno to try and drive me to my tipping point." He whipped his head to face Roman, eyes voids of chaotic madness, of stars and nebulas and galaxies and everything beyond. The couch, coffee table and various other furniture had begun to slowly rise into the air, shaking with the distress that the boy must feel and almost primed to obliterate whatever was causing Virgil distress.
If I touched one of those floaty things, would get the galaxy on me?
"Why the fuck would you kiss me?" The tension wasn't thick, it was more sluggish. Harder to move through, harder to navigate and so much harder to leave. Roman was starting to feel ..disturbed ..by this and maybe he was starting to realise that Lunaper was..not normal.
Wait Lunapuer. Luna Puer. Moon Child. What?
"What..are you?"
A long lingering glare.
"I think it would be time for you to stare into my -"
The sound of a metal knocker hitting  wood to the tune of One Jump Ahead interrupted the emo's train of thought.
Virgil eyes died down, putting his planned smiting on hold. He walked over to the source of the knocking and opened the front door to be met with a kid who couldn't be just anything more than a year older than him. And he wasn't being Xia's older brother.
Recognising him, Roman got off the floor and ran up to him, wrapping him in a hug. The boy hugged him back.
"Thomas, you know I love you but why exactly are you here?"
"I'll answer that when you tell me who you brought home. And why the couch is floating. But first the boy?"
Xia gave the emo a shaky grin, trying to mentally concoct a sentence that wouldn't immediately get him killed.
"Umm, Thomas this is Virgil, Virgil this is Thomas."
Despite Virgil only putting his hand out for a hand sake, Xia's cup his face and stare into his eyes.
"How 'bout on the beach...."
"On the beach for what?"
"For the wedd...," He noticed  Roman's 'Not now' hand signal "..ling. Yeah for Wedling."
Thomas ignored the emo's confused facial expression.
"Anyway, Dad  wants me to babysit you."
"What the fuck, I'm sixteen, I don't need supervision. I'm practically an adult."
(Thomas crouched down slightly so he was on Roman's eye level. "You and me both know that we barely have the cooking skills to cook a cup of ramen.")
("Ha, I'm calling you Ramen now, you don't have a choice.")
Thomas stood back up.
"That's what I said, but Remus' is going to need a fucking good lawyer for him to have a chance to see the light of day again."
"That bad? God.."
While the family was trying to figure out what they were going to do, Virgil put back on his jacket.
"Not to interrupt this lovely familial bonding moment but Remus isn't going to need a lawyer."
Thomas looked over to Virgil in shock.
"Oh yeah, Virgil, meet my elder brother Thomas and Thomas meet my ex- arch nemesis, who recently tried to kill/brainwash me, Virgil."
****
"It's my car, why can't I drive?"
Lunaper opened the clicked it open with his key.
"Without me, you won't be able to find Remy , ergo you won't be able to prove your brother's innocence . Also you've put me in a bad mood, so if you don't want me to finish what I started in the living room, I suggest you shut up."
During the emo's rant, the car had proceeded to float about a foot of the ground and the lifter's eyes seemed to be smoking with cosmos.
("I call shotgun!" Thomas ran to the front seat like a child.)
Roman, you can't get yourself killed, you haven't married him.
Xia climbed into the backseat.
"Fine but be gentle with it."
("I'll be gentle until I have to be rough with it.")
("What?")
(Virgil didn't respond.)
******
(Roman and Thomas talk to each other in the back about men.)
ThomasTheDankEngine: ...you're a bottom..
I'mRoyalty: Wtf, why would you even assume that?
ThomasTheDankEngine: So I didn't walk into a scene in the room? Cause you really seem to like him at least from what I've gathered (aha, you didn't deny liking him though)
I'mRoyalty:  (Yes, I am attracted to the most beautiful creation on earth, leave me alone )You were barely in the house for 5 minutes,you couldn't have gathered any 'data'
ThomasTheDankEngine: The 'data' I have collected is the visuals of your eyes undressing him, you horny bastard.
I'mRoyalty: Hey, at least I'm not a Remus level of horny
ThomasTheDankEngine : Fair enough. On a different note, you are aware that your crush isn't even hitting the gas pedal. He's just staring at the road and moving the steering wheel. I'm calling it now, he's an alien
I'mRoyalty: Tbh, I don't think he even knows what he is. And I don't really care, I just want to kiss him. And marry him. And all that other couple stuff.
******
"Um, Virgil, why are we at the Station?"
"I don't know either..."
Unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping outside into the semi cool spring air, the trio made there way over to the police station door.
"Shit, is Pa actually crying?"
"Yeah, he's not doing that well.."
Thomas turned the younger.
"Okay, lets go in before I have an attack over this."
Roman could almost see Lunapuer eyes widen in realisation of something. Roman couldn't put his finger on it.
He isn't moving..
"Hey, Virgil, aren't you coming with us?"
The emo's neck turned.
"To your parents, I'm just some random ass kid with glitchy irises. I'm not immediate family so I don't have a fucking right to be inside."
"You'll be ok though?"
"Is that even a question. I'm never ok, I promise."
*****
The squeaky floors of the centre made Roman feel uncomfortable ,like they had to always clear up...something.
(He would leave the empty gap up to his brother. It was more his forte.)
Walking pass the seemingly pissed officer (who let them move after they were patted down and had stayed their full names, they were met with the face of -
Dad spotted us, time to use those lessons from Jan now.
Their Dad ran up to them and held there faces, almost like they would fade away into nothingness the minute they let go.
"Why the flipping fuck are you here?"
Okay, Dad can curse, my life is a lie.
"Me And Thomas wanted to see Remus." Roman stopped on his elder's foot, code for 'play along'.
The parent stepped back and only know he could see his Dad's dishevelled hair that was rash and messed up that looked like the type you would have after years on end of stress despite the fact when it was neat hours ago.
"Look, I would prefer you here for moral support and all that jazz but your brother and his partner have basically secured their cell, they keep on ranting about how there was a lemon fic -whatever that means- about you and hypnotism and Remington apparently being the reason why they are in this fucking mess- DO YOU ANY IDEA WHAT THIS NONSENSE MEANS!"
I know what it means but I don't need to chucked to Picani's for a session.
Thomas seemed to get the 'we got the information we need, let's roll' signal.
"Oh, shit, I think I left the the oven running, Roman let's roll."
("I new that theatre major would come in handy.")
"Come back when you're done!"
("Anyway, I don't understand what's happening or what you know so you fill him in."
"Okay!"
("I don't really have a choice anyway.")
******
"Get in the fucking car, we are going to cut a bitch."
******
Virgil parked the car at the opposite side of the road.He slammed it so hard that it dented its inside and he had probably broken the door, but Roman wasn't going to comment about that because he feared the earth that was contained in his crush.
He rushed over to Zenith who was laying in the sand of the bay, casually scrolling through his feed with a Starbucks cup in hand and not like the government had just pronounced him dead.
He noticed the angry man in purple charging towards him.
"Virgie, did you see-"
"Cut me none of that 'Virgie' bullshit Remington, you blackmailed someone into silence, you know you aren't allowed to abuse you abilities like that."
Remy pushed down the bridge of sunglasses, revealing his eyes that seemed even more chaotic than Lunapuer's but floating with clouds instead of space.
"This isn't some game anymore, people I care-"
("You care about my brother and Janus")
("While you were being a shit bag to me, I had to find someone who would show me where my classrooms were.")
"back to what I was saying- People I care about are going to suffer serious consequences for crap you should pay the price for-wait, why did Jan and Rem even try to drown you in the first place?"
The glasses are off, what does it mean?
"Cousin, if you think you are big enough to say my full name then you are big enough to deal with the consequences of my coffee break."
("Why the fuck are you having coffee so late?")
("You've seen me off caffeine. I'm not exactly a sane person."
"I don't even want to fight you because I might actually kill you."
Remy looked over his shoulder to see the setting sun glistening over the water he was supposedly dead in.
"(Oh, shit) Look, cuz-"
Where Virgil's eye sockets should be were replaced with a empty caverns of galaxy that was literally choking his cousin. The tendrils of the universe snaked up his neck and grasped onto it.
"C͈̈́Á͖͔͊L̢̖̘̎̄̉̿̓͟͢L̢̢̽̆ ͚͔̩̀̿̒MȆ̡̢̛̖͖̇͞ ̰̠̘̫͑̎̈́̄A ͇̖̙̽̐̓Ñ̜I̡̢͉̝͌̒̌̎C̗͛K̰͊Ň͔̮̘͚͙̎͗̇̄Ȃ̧̱̩͌̓M̰̙̰̿̉͡Ȩ̗̅͛ ̗̒O̡̡̟̜͛̄̃̽NE̗͉͇̿̎͌ ̩̲͛̆̽͟M̹̬͖̔̕̕O̮͖͍̝͑̈̓͆̽͢Ṟ̢̙̊̔̃E ̨̘͆̍T͇͐Ḭ͎̼͛̅̂M̻̠̩̾̆̈́E, ͔̥̭̜̎̽̄͡I͉͎̟̒̅̎͞ͅ ̛̛͉̼̪͇̎͡D̨̩̋̀A̼̒R̺͠E̬͎̓́ ͓̰̭͓͛͋͊͡Ÿ̙̭̱̐̊Ò͖͚̞͑̊̕ͅỦ̙̻̌!"
("So you have a a crush on a homicidal mystery man who is also a magical boy?")
(Roman just glared at his brother.)
"I DID IT TO PROTECT YOU FROM HIM!"
The turn of a necks in synchrony shattered the waves of the river bed they were on. Time was an illusion and two seconds could of passed and no one could tell the difference.
Zenith decided to break the peace.
"LOOK, I CARE ABOUT YOU, I ACTUALLY DO AND I'M NOT GONNA YOU FALL FOR A HEARTBREAKER ON MY WATCH!"
Virgil likes me back. VIRGIL ACTUALLY LIKES ME BACK!?
Lunapuer eyebrow lowered in concentration almost.
"N͙̤̹͚͂͌͐̕O͍͡ M̧͍̲̓̍��Ą̠̻̤́̈̿́T͔̣̾͐T͓̙͉̈́̀̍Ę̥̠̻͚̏̍̓͊͝R̙̺̠̯̾̑̾̕ ̥̱̋̂Ẅ̨̞̜̉̊HAT̡̥͇͂́̈́̕͜ ̮͖͙̼̻̓̑̕̕͝R̨͓̾̓Ã͔͔̰̻̫͆̃͐̂ME̫͔̻̻͗̑́͡N͈̱̒͑ ̲̗̣̓́̌̆͜Ḋ̠ID ͍̻̣͕̎̍͂͡T̬̙̩̓̀͑O̙̘̻̓̍͂ ͙̺͈͈̀̃̀̑̽͟Y̺̖̖̻̍͛̋͛Ǒ̦͖̀̂͢U̱͊,̤͓͂̉ ̘̳̄̊Í̥̺̕T̠͂ ͔͚͋̑D̲̀̑͢OĚ̝̝̣̏̊S̖̆N̲͕̕͞'̛͙̝̜̎͐T̨̲̲͉͒͆̂̍ ̝̭̬͕̾̈́̌͡Ģ̊I̢̢͍͊͐̊VE̥͕̾͛ ̝͌Ỹ̨̪͕͕̒̋̿OŮ̩͕̯̆̍ ̧̩̗̙̒̑͋̚A̘̜̙͊͝͝Ņ͉̽͆̈́͟Ý̞̣͔̩̂̄͠ ̯̀RI̲͚͔͔̔͆̃́Ģ̲̫̈̔̕HṬ̓ ͙̼͚̫̱͆̒͐͠͡Ţ͈͇͗͑̈O ̹̹̹͂̀͂D̛̠̖̍̅͟O̧͔͗͠ ̛̦W̖͇̹̮͊̌̊͆H͎̉A̩̫͇̽̅͊͜͠T̬̙͔̞̑͛͑̈́͗͢ ̖͖͉͂̆̈Y̯͚͓̜̣̆̈̀͊͊O̡̅Ṳ̜͕̈́̔͆ ̢̤̞͆̕͝D̢̡͈͙̤͗͊̃̽̍I̛͕̱̾D̯̃̓͟!"
The gripping got tighter.
"Plea-se, pleas-e, I am fully aware I am a cunt pile and don't even deserve redemption in the slightest, but let me live and maybe I can make it up to you."
For a single second, it looked like Virgil was genuinely going to finish off the job that Rem and Jan failed to do. But me showed mercy.
His eyes died down.
"Get in the back, use your powers to make today seem like one long ass fever dream, help us break Re and Jay out of prison and maybe you'll see the sunrise."
Remington picked up his shades and went to the back seat.
'Ramen' was shocked.
"Why exactly did you let him go?"
"As long as the moon is out, He will be the one worrying."
******
"Psst, Janus!"
No response.
"La Snits!"
"Remus had spiked my drink and I was high off my ass, wait why are you here?"
Janus turned his head to be met with Roman who was currently picking the lock on his cell.
"I'm getting really sick and tired of people asking that."
The lock mechanisms chimed open.
"Okay, listen: Virgil and Remy have powers that I don't even think they know how to control and are using them to put the whole town asleep. Your hypnotism made me have a 'veil' and made me hate Virgil for about two months. I'm back to normal now. Remy has apologised for blackmailing me and has promised to destroy you-know-what. And- What what happened to your face?"
Xia just noticed Vales face that a scar the look creepily akin to snake scales. It covered about half of it and it was still bleeding, not even looking like it would scab over.
"There is more than one reason why I am Zeneith's body should be at that bottom of the ocean currently."
How strong is Remy exactly?
"Kayyyy, lets get to your-"
"Jan!"
"Rem!"
Remus skidded against the floor, just in his socks to his partner.
"Look, my older brother is stopping me from deforming Starbuck slut's body because that's immoral or some shit and I really , really am sorry that we got caught. How was I supposed to know the fucker could respawn-"
"You're shaking."
And the hypnotist was right, Remus was practically vibrating.
"I'm fine , I just want to have Remy's intestines in my hands, that's it."
"Look, I'm not getting sappy in public but I don't really want a repeat of Canada,"
("Canada?!")
"So can you please calm down for me?"
Remus pouted like a four year old.
"If I do this, I get to kill him later,"
"Of course you can."
Janus may of then talked to Remus about his lack of shoes and maybe given him a piggy back because he was kind of tired, Roman wouldn't know. He was just looking listening to their happiness and feeling happy for his brother.
The hell ,Thomas?
The more mature brother ( his father's words , not his) was floating with the sir, accompanied by the galaxy aura thing that Virgil had.
"So because I stopped Remus from literally murdering Remy Virgil gave me floaty shoes. And Remy kind of apologised to him for something, I don't really understand, but floaty shoes!"
Roman just stared as his elder fanboying in awe of his newly acquired footwear, wondering how the fuck is he older than him.
"Remy won't need to worry, Janus has gotten him to calm down a little. I would say that he has a week left to live though."
"Wow, this day could of gone to shit but it didn't, it's almost like some omnipotent voice is going to say 'And they lived happily after' "
And with every happily ever after ,you get your true love as well.
"The stars are aligning!"
"What?"
Virgil seemed to just materialize out of nowhere, and even in the prison grade lighting, he was still the most beautiful thing Roman had ever left his eyes on. Even in the crappy yellow coming from the ceiling, he still shone like a the stars laced in the sky.
Roman stepped forward and took his hand, holding it loose enough that he could pull back at any time given.
"You know, The boys everyone made up with each other, except me and you and today has almost been perfect I'm just waiting for...you..."
Virgil slipped his hand out of Roman to return it to  his side.
"Princey," He took a long pause, trying to find those right words "Life isn't like a Disney movie, it doesn't have a structured plot and it doesn't move at the speed you need it to. Not everything and everyone is going to make you happy because that's just how life is, lots of people getting fucked over. Janus and Remus might of forgiven you and I might of forgiven Remy for what he did but I experienced hell from you and even if that veil made you do dumb shit, I am still recovering from it. And yes I did like you, you are cute and handsome and funny and just a great guy but I can't have a relationship with you after the shit you did to me. But I can agree to try and move pass that."
Lunapuer shook out his hand.
"Deal?"
Roman shook it.
******
"Turn to page 37 on your-"
The bell broker up the music theory teacher's instructions.
"Remember to memorise the sheet for the 18th of .."
Roman didn't get the last of what he said, he rushed out the classroom to meet Virgil at his locker near Homeroom.
"Umm, here you go."
The sound of hard plastic hit the public school quality(shit) metal.
"Why did you buy these for me exactly?"
"Well, you're always listening to Starchild-"
"Starkid, It's Starkid."
How could you mess that up, dumbass.
"Yep, anyway, and I decided to buy you a a latest pair of headphones to try out. I even paid extra for it in purple and black."
The emo picked up the the case and looked at it and eyes widen when he saw the price of it.
"God, Princey, I don't know really what to say-"
"You don't have to say a single thing, this was a gift out of the kindness of my own-"
"But I can I have the receipt?"
"WHAT!"
He picked up the case and gave it back to the giver.
"These are so fucking amazing and just really nice and cool but I can't do these, I use earphones 'cause I like to fiddle with the wires, they ground me when I have my weekly existential crisis/panic attack and slow down the spiralling a little."
Roman just stood there stunned.
"You spent a lot of money on this and I am just putting it to waste but giving it back to you but I just feel more comfortable with wires, I guess."
Taking his artbook out of his locker for the period right after Lunch, he gave Xia a two finger salute and made the journey to the food hall.
A still stunned Roman concocted a solution to the problem of the gift he had bought.
******
Virgil walked into class the next day wearing purple earphones instead of white and hugged Roman.
The class promptly checked Lunaper for a fever.
******
"Kiddo, why are you up so late?"
"You don't really have a right to talk, you're the one whose up as well."
Roman's Dad reaches for the shelf.
"Wanna cookie?"
"Nah, I'm already had my 2am snack."
A little snort filled the still kitchen.
"You know, that reminds me of those weird dreams your father's been having since we were a king."
"What dreams?"
Roman scooted forward on his stool not to miss out of any of the tail.
"He always had these.. lucid dreams of a reality where we all lived together in Thomas' head."
"You're joking!"
"No I'm not, It's actually the reason why we picked Thomas from the orphanage, he had had  fantasies of us looking after him and guiding him through life. We all had his face as well, I don't really understand it either."
He promptly shoved a cookie in his mouth.
"Anything else?"
The father figure paused his snacking.
"Look, If you are telling me a fable of us protecting Thomas, you better deliver on it."
"It's not really a fable, it's just Logie's imagination running wild. Anyway in the world we all had jobs, like your Dad was logic and a teacher, I was morality and a dad, you and your brother were a prince and a duke respectively and were both creativity."
Roman snorted the milk he was drinking.
"Oh, God these are so weird. I know me and Remus used to make believe play a lot as a kid but like that's so far fetched!"
His father joined in the cackling.
After a few moments of them calming down, Roman queried his Dad.
"If in some weird fever dream Pa has , I can be a prince, do you think I can get my happily ever after as well?"
The ran had started to splash against the window, making a faint tapping noise in the distance.
"Life won't always give you strict  fairy-tale endings, but you can try and sculpt your ending so it makes you happy. "
******
"Princey, !"
"Why are you whispering?"
"Just come here you Disney reject."
"So I can't call you nicknames/insults but you can?"
"Life's not fair, get used to it."
Virgil passed him a note with some numbers on them.
"Can you god to my locker and get the book out of it?"
Roman obeyed said instructions and returned with a copy of Moby Dick.
"You never struck me as the type to read the 'Classics'."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm not." Virgil proceeded to open the book inside to find it was a shell that had-
Are those drugs?
"No they're not, fuuc.."
Lunapuer started to rub his temples akin to how you would if you had a headache or a brain freeze.
Xia knitted his eyebrows together, trying to plan his next step.
Can you hear my thoughts?
"Wow, I wonder why I responded when you said the pills were drugs."
"Woe is me for asking that apparently!"
"Look Ramen, the eclipse is coming in like three hours and I have the worst headache of the century. I use sass and sarcasm as a coping mechanism when I don't know what to say, so bare with me for the time being."
Roman scorched up next to his friend/crush/he didn't even know at this point.
"It would be nice if you enlighten me to how you can suddenly read my mind, but you don't have to."
"I can't really describe it, my brain almost starts cheat coding reality and I can hear voices suddenly that usually I can't. And if I use any of powers, they are so destructive that I could probably shatter the school by just touching the floor."
Xia just listened patiently, taking in his little pupils which were currently flickering from space mode and back to normal.
"So I'm guessing that Remy wears shades all the time because someone is always dreaming or something.."
"Yeah kinda...Ramen can I ask you for another favour?"
It's not even sure I could say no to you. I'm pretty sure the fabric of my being would be ripped apart.
(The emo may or not have looked away with a red tint in his cheeks)
"Yeah, what do you want?"
"I don't even think that I can make it back to class-I'll probably pass out anyway-can you get me to my bag and get me too the office?"
Before Virgil had even finished the sentence, Roman was already carrying him bridal style.
"Hey ,what the fuck?"
"You said you needed to get to the office, the quickest way is for me to get you there."
"What about my bag?"
"You're more important and I'll get it later."
Lunapuer didn't respond.
******
"Why did your dad introduce himself to me by giving a compliment wrapped in a insult?"
"It's just a thing he does, I don't think I've ever seen him introduce himself to anyone normal."
******
"What are you doing here, you should be out there, channeling your inner thespian or whatever.."
Just the muffled calamity of the drama hall could be heard. Also the pitter patter of Roman's tears.
"Shit, you're crying, why the fuck are you crying, did I do something wrong, God I knew I am a piece of shit, should I-
“No, It’s not your fault.”
Even if Roman’s face was currently leaking like a broken faucet, he still managed to have a steady voice by some miracle.
Virgil scooted over to the to the wall where Ramen’s  back was on, looking above him to see the poster for the end of year play of Beauty and the Beast.
“You think you flopped it, don’t you?”
“Wow, I must be so easy to read, the queer theatre kid who never was able to make that part in the school play they always wanted. Next thing you know I’ll go insane and sell my soul to for something symbolic like a crown.”
“You’re queer?”
(The splashes of Roman’s tears just got more intense.)
“Yeah, I don’t really want to put a label on myself yet.”
(Some screamed ‘Next’. It was most likely a student trying to fuck with the drama teacher.)
“Well, I’m questioning still, I kind of like almost anyone. It’s confusing.”
Almost on cue with the end of Virgil’s statement, Roman started to ugly cry.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck why are you even here?”
“I was looking for you actually, Princey. I kind of got into a big fight with Remus over something and I came to you so we could vibe together.”
Even though Xia’s tears looked strong enough to break a dam, his mouth seemed to curl upwards.
“Look, that’s really nice but I don’t deserve you here, I fucked up a basic ass song and now I’m going to be casted as grass #4.”
“Ramen, I’m not leaving until you agree to brood with me.”
“I would really prefer if you didn’t refer me as a food stuff.”
“Roman!” And the tears stopped flowing. And the crude acting in the background stopped moving . And the clock stopped moving and life and death themselves had seemed to pause. Roman didn’t care if this was Virgil’s powers at work or someone had spiked his water bottle because the fact that he was so closed to his face and now he could see the condensed universe in his eyes made all the pain just drain away. The atmosphere was tense like almost the way that his ..better dreams with the boy dressed in stars would start.
“Roman I don’t like seeing you sad, but I know emotions don’t work like that.. And I’m pissed at your brother and I don’t know how to deal with that...”
Roman’s face and Virgil were a little bit close for comfort
“You said you wanted us to brood together., let’s do it.”
Virgil was the one to pull Roman’s shirt and claim his lips.
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dailyaudiobible · 4 years ago
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01/16/2021 DAB Transcript
Gen 32:13-34:31, Matt 11:7-30, Ps 14:1-7, Pr 3:19-20
Today is the 16th day of January welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian, and it is great to be here with you as we close a week down together. We have 52 of these in here and so we reach these weekends and understand, yeah, this is one of them and so here we are. Kind of marks the time when we pay attention to that. It’s like. “O another week has gone by.” And before you know it, we’re months into the journey. And then just like that, it's Christmas. It just so quickly comes. But right now, we are laying the groundwork for how the Bible will unfold before us, and it has been a fantastic beginning to this new year. So, let's dive it. We’ve been reading from the New Living Translation this week, which is what we’ll do today. Genesis chapter 32 verse 13 through 34 verse 31.
Prayer:
Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for this week that we've been able to spend in Your word. We thank You for all of the things that You are revealing to us and showing us all of the things that start knitting themselves together in this story of transformation and redemption that we call the Bible, we thank You. Because these stories, these people that we are meeting, these people that we are getting to know, these are our spiritual ancestors. This how we got here, and we thank You for allowing us to look in upon our heritage but more importantly to watch the way You reveal Yourself over time, and to understand that this story continues, and we are a part of it right now. So, come Holy Spirit we pray in all of the things that we have learned and considered this week. Plant them in the soil of our hearts and in the areas that need cultivation, that need care the soil is not good soil. Come Holy Spirit, as we surrender to You make us good soil we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.
Announcements:
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And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.
Community Prayer and Praise:
Hey family this is Francine from Tennessee. My husband and I have Covid and he’s home from recovering from a blood clot in his lung and tonight he...he…he’s so sick and we’re waiting to get antibodies Tuesday, and this is Friday night. And I’m calling to ask prayer for his breathing to be what it needs to be and for his pickups to subside. They’re a rare side effect. And I am so thankful for you family and I appreciate your prayers. And I pray that the Lord will touch and help all of those who are sick and suffering and that he will heal and raise us up to live I healthy life. And I just appreciate the prayers so much. Thank you. His name is Danny Smith. Thank you.
Hi Daily Audio Bible this is Shannon in Southern California and I just heard Paul’s prayer request. He’s a longtime listener first time caller and he’s praying…he’s asking for prayer because his children…his children…say they don’t love him anymore. I’m working the same thing and I want to pray. I want to pray for Paul. And there was another young lady who called in and said that her daughter and she…her were having difficulties. And I want to tell you guys it’s been a long time that my daughter and I have not spoken, and I pray every day for their strength and for my strength and for reconciliation for clarity and I pray the Lord’s presence in their lives. And I pray that for you Paul. I pray that the Lord touch your children touch their hearts whisper to them to tell…and confirm that God loves you and loves them and I pray for reconciliation for your family. I pray for reunification Lord in the name of Jesus. I know that You can do it because I know You’re gonna do it for me and I thank you Lord. I thank you for every day. I thank you for…for allowing me to go through this because I know when you…when my reunification comes with my family, when we are reconciled it’s going to be so joyous and Your name will be praised. Thank you, Jesus. Paul, please, please continue to pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Hey family this is Debbie in Des Moines. Hey Paul, I was just listening to you talk about your children and how they said that they don’t like you anymore and don’t want to be around you. I want to tell you that they will come back. My son, I did not hear from him for 10 years. I lost a decade in not hearing from my son. He was very angry with me, very angry. And I prayed, you know, I just held onto the Lord and I just prayed and just put him in his hands. And it took 10 years, but he is back in my life now and now I am believing God for his salvation. Psalm 10:17, “Lord you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you hear their cries and comfort them. “Praise…praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercy and the God of all comforts.” And that’s second Corinthians 1:3. Hang on…hang on to God’s word. Hang on, He hears you, He sees her tears, He sees your heart. He loves you. He will bring your children back to you. Happy...
Hey brothers and sisters, hello DABbers it is your brother from Indiana. I was just listening to the audio Bible from today, I don’t know what today is right now. And I was just encouraged to just kind of lift up a prayer for a sister who is in her last semester of college. I understand school can be a extremely stressful and unnerving time and I really just lift you up in prayer, praying the Holy Spirit would interceded for this prayer, that you would trust on God and in His resources and what He gives us, that being the armor of God, the spiritual fruits. May you look for God and may you know Him, and may you come to a relationship with Him giving Him your burdens because His yoke is light, and it is not heavy. As I heard when my brother say in Arizona, walk in the freedom Jesus provides. Sister, know that we are praying for you. Please, do not hesitate to ask to call on God. I pray this in Jesus’ name. Thank you, God. Thank you brothers...
Hey daily audio Bible family this is Billy from Montgomery with a Trinity stone. I wanted to put a prayer request out there for Kairos outside. It is a group of ladies that get together and they do kinda like we do Kairos inside, our prison ministry. They do a Kairos outside. It’s a three or four day weekend that’s like a…a mass flock or Curcio or a Paseo. It is a three or four day religious experience. Basically, a weekend with God is what it is. But so, we do the same thing with prisoners inside the prison. Well, they have a Kairos outside team that works with the ladies or the significant others of people that are inside of prison. So, it’s like the…the women that are outside, they go to jail. The same time the husband goes to jail they go to jail also because it’s an isolated incident, that it’s something that is…it’s isolating for them. So, this is a weekend where they can kind of explain to the ladies what the husbands went through when they do their Kairos weekend. And it’s a wonderful, wonderful weekend. They do this without charging the ladies anything. So, anyway they’re doing a Kairos outside in South Alabama January 29th that’s a Friday and it’s gonna be the 29th and 30th and 31st I guess three days. So, I just wanted to cover them up in prayer. It is in South Alabama and it’s a Kairos outside and I will talk to guys later.
[singing starts] O sweet Jesus tell us what to do. Holy Spirit tune our hearts to you. Heavenly Father faithful and true. Be very near that we may walk with you. [singing stops]. Your heavenly Father has accountability here on your head. And make sure you’re on speaking terms with Him because He knows everything, you’re thinking too any loves you so dearly. Don’t abandon Him but turn your thoughts over to Him and let yourself melt in the beauty of His presence in His mysterious grace and love. [singing starts] turn your eyes upon Jesus [singing stops]. Look into His wonderful face. Let everything else fade to insignificance and set your heart to honor Him and everything you think and do and say. In Jesus’ name I pray this for each one of us. Candace from Oregon.
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pamphletstoinspire · 4 years ago
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BEATIFICATION OF PADRE PIO OF PIETRELCINA HOMILY OF HIS HOLINESS JOHN PAUL II 2 May 1999
“Sing a new song to the Lord!”.
1. The summons of the entrance antiphon captures well the joy of so many of the faithful who have long awaited the beatification of Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. By his life given wholly to prayer and to listening to his brothers and sisters, this humble Capuchin friar astonished the world. Countless people came to meet him in the friary of San Giovanni Rotondo and, since his death, the flow of pilgrims has not ceased. When I was a student here in Rome, I myself had the chance to meet him personally, and I thank God for allowing me today to enter Padre Pio's name in the book of the blessed. Guided by the texts of this Fifth Sunday of Easter, which provides the context for the beatification, let us this morning trace the main features of his spiritual experience.
2. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God and believe also in me” (Jn 14:1). In the Gospel just proclaimed, we heard these words of Jesus to his disciples who were in need of encouragement. In fact, his allusion to his imminent departure had thrown them into turmoil. They were afraid of being abandoned, of being alone, and the Lord consoled them with a very specific promise: “I am going to prepare a place for you”, and then, “I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also” (Jn 14:2-3).
Through Thomas, the Apostles reply to this reassurance: “Lord, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?”(Jn 14:5). The remark is apt, and Jesus does not avoid the question which it implies. The answer he gives will remain for ever a light shining for generations still to come: “I am the way and the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father but by me” (Jn 14:6).
The “place” that Jesus goes to prepare is in “the house of the Father”; there the disciple will be able to be with the Master for all eternity and share in his joy. Yet there is only one path that leads there: Christ, to whom the disciple must be conformed more and more. Holiness consists precisely in this: that it is no longer the Christian who lives, but Christ himself who lives in him (cf. Gal 2:20). An exhilarating goal, accompanied by a promise which is no less consoling: “Whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do, and greater works than I will they do, because I am going to the Father” (Jn 14:12).
3. We hear these words of Christ and think of the humble friar of Gargano. How clearly were they fulfilled in Bl. Pio of Pietrelcina!
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe ...”. What was the life of this humble son of St Francis if not a constant act of faith, strengthened by the hope of heaven, where he could be with Christ?
“I am going to prepare a place for you ... that where I am you may be also”. What other purpose was there for the demanding ascetical practices which Padre Pio undertook from his early youth, if not gradually to identify himself with the Divine Master, so that he could be “where he was”?
Those who went to San Giovanni Rotondo to attend his Mass, to seek his counsel or to confess to him, saw in him a living image of Christ suffering and risen. The face of Padre Pio reflected the light of the Resurrection. His body, marked by the “stigmata”, showed forth the intimate bond between death and resurrection which characterizes the paschal mystery. Bl. Pio of Pietrelcina shared in the Passion with a special intensity: the unique gifts which were given to him, and the interior and mystical sufferings which accompanied them, allowed him constantly to participate in the Lord's agonies, never wavering in his sense that “Calvary is the hill of the saints”.
4. No less painful, and perhaps even more distressing from a human point of view, were the trials which he had to endure as a result, it might be said, of his incomparable charisms. It happens at times in the history of holiness that, by God's special permission, the one chosen is misunderstood. In that case, obedience becomes for him a crucible of purification, a path of gradual assimilation to Christ, a strengthening of true holiness. In this regard, Bl. Pio wrote to one of his superiors: “I strive only to obey you, the good God having made known to me the one thing most acceptable to him and the one way for me to hope for salvation and to sing of victory” (Letter I, p. 807).
When the “storm” broke upon him, he took as his rule of life the exhortation of the First Letter of Peter, that we have just heard: Come to Christ, a living stone (cf. 1 Pt 2:4). He himself thus became a “living stone” for the building of that spiritual house which is the Church. For this we today give thanks to the Lord.
5. “You too are living stones, built into a spiritual house” (1 Pt 2:5). How fitting are these words if we apply them to the extraordinary ecclesial experience which grew up around the new blessed! So many people, meeting him directly or indirectly, rediscovered their faith; inspired by his example, “prayer groups” sprang up in every corner of the world. To all who flocked to him he held up the ideal of holiness, repeating to them: “It seems that Jesus has no interest outside of sanctifying your soul” (Letter II, p. 155).
If God's Providence willed that he should be active without ever leaving his convent, as though he were “planted” at the foot of the Cross, this is not without significance. One day the Divine Master had to console him, at a moment of particular trial, by telling him that “it is under the Cross that one learns to love” (Letter I, p. 339). The Cross of Christ is truly the outstanding school of love; indeed, the very “wellspring” of love. Purified by suffering, the love of this faithful disciple drew hearts to Christ and to his demanding Gospel of salvation.
6. At the same time, his charity was poured out like balm on the weaknesses and the sufferings of his brothers and sisters. Padre Pio thus united zeal for souls with a concern for human suffering, working to build at San Giovanni Rotondo a hospital complex which he called the “House for the Relief of Suffering”. He wanted it to be a first-class hospital, but above all he was concerned that the medicine practiced there would be truly “human”, treating patients with warm concern and sincere attention. He was quite aware that people who are ill and suffering need not only competent therapeutic care but also, and more importantly, a human and spiritual climate to help them rediscover themselves in an encounter with the love of God and with the kindness of their brothers and sisters.
With the “House for the Relief of Suffering”, he wished to show that God's “ordinary miracles” take place in and through our charity. We need to be open to compassion and to the generous service of our brothers and sisters, using every resource of medical science and technology at our disposal.
7. The echo stirred by this beatification in Italy and throughout the world shows that the fame of Padre Pio, a son of Italy and of Francis of Assisi, has gone forth to embrace all the continents. And I gladly greet those who have gathered here — in the first place the Italian authorities who have chosen to be present: the President of the Republic, the President of the Senate, the Prime Minister, who leads the official delegation, and the many other ministers and distinguished guests. Italy is represented most worthily! But also the many faithful from other nations have gathered here to pay homage to Padre Pio.
My affectionate greeting goes to all who have come from near and far, with a special thought for the Capuchin Fathers. To everyone I offer heartfelt thanks.
8. Let me conclude with the words of the Gospel of this Mass: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God”. There is a reference to this exhortation of Christ in the advice which the new blessed never tired of giving to the faithful: “Abandon yourselves fully to the divine heart of Jesus, like a child in the arms of his mother”. May these words of encouragement fill our hearts too and become a source of peace, serenity and joy. Why should we fear, if Christ for us is the Way, and the Truth and the Life? Why should we not trust in God who is the Father, our Father?
May “Our Lady of Graces”, whom the humble Capuchin of Pietrelcina invoked with constant and tender devotion, help us to keep our gaze fixed on God. May she take us by the hand and lead us to seek wholeheartedly that supernatural charity flowing forth from the wounded side of the Crucified One.
And you, Bl. Padre Pio, look down from heaven upon us assembled in this square and upon all gathered in prayer before the Basilica of St John Lateran and in San Giovanni Rotondo. Intercede for all those who, in every part of the world, are spiritually united with this event and raise their prayers to you. Come to the help of everyone; give peace and consolation to every heart. Amen!
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20th May >> Mass Readings (USA)
Thursday, Seventh Week of Eastertide
   or 
Saint Bernardine of Siena, Priest.
Thursday, Seventh Week of Eastertide
(Liturgical Colour: White)
First Reading
Acts of the Apostles 22:30; 23:6-11
You must bear witness in Rome.
Wishing to determine the truth about why Paul was being accused by the Jews, the commander freed him and ordered the chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin to convene. Then he brought Paul down and made him stand before them.
   Paul was aware that some were Sadducees and some Pharisees, so he called out before the Sanhedrin, “My brothers, I am a Pharisee, the son of Pharisees; I am on trial for hope in the resurrection of the dead.” When he said this, a dispute broke out between the Pharisees and Sadducees, and the group became divided. For the Sadducees say that there is no resurrection or angels or spirits, while the Pharisees acknowledge all three. A great uproar occurred, and some scribes belonging to the Pharisee party stood up and sharply argued, “We find nothing wrong with this man. Suppose a spirit or an angel has spoken to him?” The dispute was so serious that the commander, afraid that Paul would be torn to pieces by them, ordered his troops to go down and rescue Paul from their midst and take him into the compound. The following night the Lord stood by him and said, “Take courage. For just as you have borne witness to my cause in Jerusalem, so you must also bear witness in Rome.”
The Word of the Lord
R/ Thanks be to God.
Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 16:1-2a and 5, 7-8, 9-10, 11
R/ Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. or R/ Alleluia.
Keep me, O God, for in you I take refuge;    I say to the LORD, “My Lord are you.” O LORD, my allotted portion and my cup,    you it is who hold fast my lot.
R/ Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. or R/ Alleluia.
I bless the LORD who counsels me;    even in the night my heart exhorts me. I set the LORD ever before me;    with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed.
R/ Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. or R/ Alleluia.
Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices,    my body, too, abides in confidence; Because you will not abandon my soul to the nether world,    nor will you suffer your faithful one to undergo corruption.
Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. or Alleluia.
You will show me the path to life,    fullness of joys in your presence,    the delights at your right hand forever.
Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. or Alleluia.
Gospel Acclamation
John 17:21
Alleluia, alleluia. May they all be one as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that the world may believe that you sent me, says the Lord. Alleluia, alleluia.
Gospel
John 17:20-26
May they all be one.
Lifting up his eyes to heaven, Jesus prayed saying: “I pray not only for these, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me. Father, they are your gift to me. I wish that where I am they also may be with me, that they may see my glory that you gave me, because you loved me before the foundation of the world. Righteous Father, the world also does not know you, but I know you, and they know that you sent me. I made known to them your name and I will make it known, that the love with which you loved me may be in them and I in them.”
The Gospel of the Lord
R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saint Bernardine of Siena, Priest
(Liturgical Colour: White)
(Readings for the memorial)
(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Thursday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)
First Reading
Acts of the Apostles 4:8-12
There is no salvation through anyone else.
Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, answered them: “Leaders of the people and elders: If we are being examined today about a good deed done to a cripple, namely, by what means he was saved, then all of you and all the people of Israel should know that it was in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazorean whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead; in his name this man stands before you healed. He is the stone rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. There is no salvation through anyone else, nor is there any other name under heaven given to the human race by which we are to be saved.”
The Word of the Lord
R/ Thanks be to God.
Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 40:2, 4, 7-8, 8-9, 10, 11
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
I have waited, waited for the LORD,    and he stooped toward me and heard my cry. And he put a new song into my mouth,    a hymn to our God.
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Sacrifice or oblation you wished not,    but ears open to obedience you gave me. Burnt offerings or sin-offerings you sought not;    then said I, “Behold I come.”
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
“In the written scroll it is prescribed for me, To do your will, O my God, is my delight,    and your law is within my heart!”
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
I announced your justice in the vast assembly;    I did not restrain my lips, as you, O LORD, know.
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Your justice I kept not hid within my heart;    your faithfulness and your salvation I have spoken of; I have made no secret of your kindness and your truth    in the vast assembly.
R/ Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.
Gospel Acclamation
John 8:12
Alleluia, alleluia. I am the light of the world, says the Lord; whoever follows me will have the light of life. Alleluia, alleluia.
Gospel
Luke 9:57-62
I will follow you wherever you go.
As Jesus and his disciples were proceeding on their journey to Jerusalem, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus answered him, “Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head.” And to another he said, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, let me go first and bury my father.” But he answered him, “Let the dead bury their dead. But you, go and proclaim the Kingdom of God.” And another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but first let me say farewell to my family at home.” Jesus said, “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the Kingdom of God.”
The Gospel of the Lord
R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.
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natsunoomoi · 4 years ago
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Finished Main Story of SVSSS....
So yeah, I did that. I still really liked the story overall. Some parts are a bit problematic in a way, but also in a satisfying way that is complex and I think can refer to some real life relationships and complexities of that because not all relationships fit nicely into the little boxes and labels that we make and that’s my take away from the ending.
-Don’t like the in-story “original author” still, but also don’t dislike him as much as I did when I started the story now that I got more of his perspective. MXTX posted all of this for free not thinking it would go anywhere really, but it’s true that some people do have careers where they make a living off of their webnovels and fans buying chapters, so that pressure is there. I’m sure that because MXTX is also a fan of D. Gray-man, she’s aware of the similar pressures that even mangaka at JUMP face. Like BLEACH basically ended early because it fell out of popularity with the fans just as Airplane mentions happens to some novel works. To be fair, BLEACH also lifted an entire plotline from another popular supernatural manga including carbon copies of the lackeys of the villain for that arc, so some shade was also deserved. Like Yukio is just Amanuma Tsukihito with a PSP instead of an arcade system or Super Famicom. D. Gray-man itself has also been on hiaitus several times due to health concerns and such. Same as Hunter x Hunter and other prolific manga. The pressure is real and some ways the original author is kind of a mood. He’s also still a huge coward and that’s annoying.
-I feel worse for Shen Jiu than when I did when I was just reading his backstory off of the wikis and stuff from just wanting to see Shen Qingqiu’s beautiful face. Like I felt bad before, but after knowing more and witnessing some sentiments that would have been gut punches if Shen Jiu had heard them, I feel so bad for him. I don’t condone what he did, but I also get it and wish I could hug him. Basically about the same level of thought as I put into how much I like Emet-Selch, but I think overall in the end I love Emet-Selch more because the 5.3 patch update for FFXIV broke me. Man, that MSQ. Like I’ve never been opposed to liking villains and always thought some villains were cool. Like my sister worships Sephiroth from FFVII for instance, but like I was never really into Sephiroth’s motivations in that he’s cool, but his identity crisis didn’t quite strike me as like actually 100% believable that torching Nibelheim and trying to rescue Jenova was justified or a natural reaction someone in his position would have. I like him more than Cloud cuz Cloud is a hot fucking mess of a person and he’s overall just cool, but as a villain his motivations didn’t resonate with me.  A lot of people also really liked Kefka because he’s just straight up insane and like chaotic evil, but that kind of evil just isn’t compelling to me. Emet-Selch though straight up broke me and I thought about him for like months after the initial end of Shadowbringers when you do the fight with Hades. His story is ripe with meaning and nuance and the Tales from the Shadows stories adding more nuance and color to his eternal living torture of seeing remnants of people he cared about constantly without a break or a way to really “forget” and heal. That just stuck with me because I’ve lost people in my life too, and I remember what that was like and how hard it was to even live the day after let alone the following few years. I remember it well even today because it fundamentally changed me as a person, but I was able to find some relief and escape from music and entertainment and going out to have new experiences and travel. Emet-Selch could not, so his story really broke me internally. I bring this up just to make a comparison because I love Shen Jiu as well, but for nowhere near as dramatic a reason as I love Emet-Selch.
Spoilers under the cut
Okay, so since I was just talking about Shen Jiu, and maybe it’s partly because I actually find him to be gorgeous as well, but just reading his story did genuinely make me sad. I found his child form to be a little bit jaded already only because he was an older child already by the time he was bought by the Qius. When Yue Qingyuan was parting with him through the door he was being kind of manipulative there for extra sympathy initially, which isn’t really great. How severely the brother beat him though was hard to take. It was so extreme, like wtf? And perhaps the part where Qiu Haitang said that he’d been “freed” and the part where he was engaged seems to be true-ish, but yeah her brother is kind of really fucked up in how he still talks to him even though he is supposed to be his brother-in-law soon? Like what the hell. But like, the summaries of what he did online and even what Haitang had said also made it sound even more cold than it was. Like once he got going yeah, the onslaught was kind of cold. But he still had a moment of shock where like he didn’t really realize what he’d done right away and needed a moment to process. But after that it was like, well, it’s already done and people came to try to help the young master and he had to get out too. So the other people on the way out after that don’t sound nearly as consequential and it was really striking that not only did he not attack Haitang, but he spared all the other women in the house. Like Jesus Christ, were *ALL* the men in the house including the male servants and other slaves they had assholes to him too? Just, wow. But we don’t get a lot into what else happened there, but if the head of the household is bad and hurts him, it’s believable that other people join in just as Ming Fan joined in because Shen Jiu was complicit in allowing Binghe’s suffering. Really key though is the commentary of both the young master and his first evil master about his age. 
That is such a huge chip on his shoulder because everyone keeps bringing it the fuck up. Including Qingge in another memory later on when he’s already Peak Lord. I know they don’t like each other, but that was really mean. I realize Qingge probably doesn’t care and that was the point to throw salt in his wounds because they don’t like each other, but seeing how much it affected him by him breaking his fan with his hands after hearing that. I’ve had people do similar to me where they make an insensitive comment to try to hurt you without understanding the actual circumstances. My sister did that to me once and I reconciled with her for a bit, but decided not to talk to her anymore again because of some other bullshit with her friends being childish. But when she did similar to me, I never really forgave her for it either. My story is not nearly as dramatic, but basically I had quit a job where I was being bullied by coworkers at the start of the recession and I was looking for jobs, but no luck with anything I was qualified for even though I went on a few interviews. There actually weren’t many listings posted around that time, so I would only be able to find a couple to apply to and by the time my sister came home I’d be playing games to pass the time cuz I was bored out of my mind waiting for something to happen. So then we got in an argument for I forget the initial reason anymore, but she brought up how I “wasn’t looking” for a job and just seemed to be “being lazy” and I just got so pissed and yelled at her that she had no fucking idea what I was doing everyday and that I am looking and there isn’t anything fucking there. I also lost it and threw a stool at her. I’m not proud of it, but I totally get the mood of what it feels like for someone to use something that you are struggling with as a negative to throw in your face even though you are trying *SO* hard to do your best. I especially don’t want to hear that from someone who gave up on their desired career that they were actually good at and making a decent living at for money and also can’t tell when their friends are kissing up to them and crossing a line and won’t stand up to them for being shitty people. Teapot meet kettle, and don’t throw stones if you live in a glass fucking house. I don’t like low blows like that. 
My personal family issue aside though, I felt a lot of empathy for Shen Jiu in that moment. Seeing how he interacted with Binghe on their first meeting after that though, like I was sad for Binghe too, but I can also see where his misunderstanding happened on top of his insecurity. I also kind of wonder if Qingge’s comment also kind of encouraged this situation to happen.  I still like Qingge because he makes up for it a lot later, but yeah that was fucked up.
The gut punch later was when Qingyuan was seemingly dying and tried to apologize to Qingqiu, but all the words and the things Shen Jiu needed to hear. His years of misunderstanding and not knowing and being in pain and thinking he was abandoned. That was painful. Shen Jiu is gone. We don’t know where he is. Maybe he’s dead. No idea, but those are things he can never know. It’s already too late, and that’s crushing.
I still just really want to know more about Shen Jiu and I feel really sad that there wasn’t some kind of redemption for him or anything. Even if it’s like Shen Yuan going into the recesses of his own mind and finds Shen Jiu locked in a box somewhere so actually the both of them share the same body and he’s just watching in a tiny TV what Shen Yuan does with his body. He’d be really frustrated and would probably scream at him a lot with his screams completely unheard, but at least he’d get to see people liking him more and would be able to hear the words that Qingyuan spoke. I mentioned in an earlier post that I saw a theory about OG Qingqiu transmigrating into Shen Yuan when Shen Yuan takes over his body, and I think that’s possible because Shang Qinghua says that when he transmigrated he was born there and was since a baby? I was thinking maybe it’d be more like OG dies when OG Binghe kills him and then becomes Shen Yuan, but who knows.
I mean, also I just crave more information about him. He’s so unfortunate, and I like wish more went right for him so that he wouldn’t be so miserable. Like when you see a character where their life is just shit on, you just wish that you could do something to take away their pain.
And with that sentiment, that’s also why I found the ending to be satisfying but probably a little problematic. Like Shen Yuan is just a good guy and he has that same sentiment for Binghe just because he’s a poor kid with a shitty hand in life, but he’s also like really clearly not gay himself and not actually attracted to Binghe in that way. To be clear, the book does seem to discourage this kind of relationship in that it works in the way the narrative unfolded, but it isn’t one that would work in real life really. That’s part of the depth of it though. Like SY emotionally cares for him and he even remarks that he feels kind of more like his Dad, but the physical side of their relationship is more on Binghe’s side than his, and he acquiesces to it because he feels bad for him because this poor child has no one. And yeah, fine this works in an actual book that we’re all reading and this works within the system within the book where the MC is in a book himself with really screwed up logic rules, but I don’t recommend this method of getting with someone you like in real life. It will not end well. If someone you like is not into you, emotionally manipulating them and crying and also stalking them until they give their body to you out of desperation to console you is not the road to happiness. You also won’t have a pressure timer of life on earth ending by combining with actual hell to push them into bed with you. The fact that SY resorts to this in desperation in order to try to help Binghe to get control of the demon sword is admirable in the narrative of the story in that he’s doing it because he cares so much about this person and that’s fine, but it’s a red flag if anyone did this IRL and put their wishes aside to appease someone else. There will be a breakdown in the future as one person puts aside their needs for the other one completely. Partnerships that work are healthy and equal. That’s not what this is. In the story, the two characters have an understanding though that makes it fine, but I have second-hand anxiety for the idea that anyone would try to replicate this. This is not normally healthy.
But at the same time, the fact that the characters have an understanding to that is unique to their personal choice is also realistic in a sense that life is sometimes complicated and a similar situation could come about, but it is the choice of the people involved. With constant communication there’s a slim chance that maybe it could work out, but it’s hard. The main level of complexity I’m thinking of is that there’s different ways to care about other people or rather to just feel about other people. Like you can have like an intellectual attraction to other people in that you just like talking with them and you’re good friends with them because of that. You can be romantically attracted to someone, but also not feel sexual attraction too. Of course you can also feel physical attraction to someone, but not really care at all about them emotionally or even intellectually. SY has emotional feelings for Binghe, but it’s more on the parental side or even just human in not wanting him to suffer. If this were a points meter, his values for his emotions and just caring about him would be at max, while physical attraction and even romantic attraction are basically zero. Like he also just like cares about him in principle? Like as an all seeing reader you look at everything and are just like, wtf with this shit? How can one person suffer so much? As empthy or even sympathy you feel for them so then if the other person is more not asexual or aromantic that can trigger some feelings which is what happened between these two characters. The reason I say it isn’t necessarily bad, but some shakiness on execution too. But like say like an asexual person is romantically attracted to someone who isn’t asexual, but they still want to be with them. Like the non-ace person has some needs sometimes and even if the ace doesn’t feel it, because they care about their partner they acquiesce to their partner’s requests because they just want them to be happy. This kind of very personal choice situation I think is really similar to basically what ends up happening between SY Qingqiu and Binghe where SY isn’t really interested, but at the same time cares about Binghe’s well-being so much that he actually just wants him to be happy and reluctantly is okay with the situation. IRL though Binghe would be REALLY FRUSTRATING to be so unreasonably needy and like narcissistically abusive in wanting him all to himself an isolating him from his friends and being jealous of them. In comparison, Wangji and Wuxian are a great deal more balanced in comparison, but I also really like this book for the original idea and the complexity of SY’s ultimate choice because I feel like it’s also a bit more real that some people do make that kind of choice. It’s not healthy or guaranteed to be a success or happy experience, but it’s in the realm of possibilities for the kinds of personal choices people can make because the other person’s happiness is worth the minor discomfort.
Ah, I just have a lot of thoughts about this. Part of it stems from myself being ace also and what that means for me. But also getting to the end, I think Qingge is a fellow ace and also similar to me, just serious about his job and loyal to his crew.
I’ve read some of the extras obviously, but I haven’t delved that deeply into the extra materials.
Oh also, I laughed so hard when Mobei-jun just tossed Shang Qinghua over like a chicken. It said like a chicken and it was hilarious. XD Like imagining that panicked sound of hucking chickens in Ocarina of Time.
Oh and ho-shit the alt punishment system came up for SY Qingqiu for screwing up his points. Got to live through half the process of becoming a human stick very painfully.
I guess part of me is still kind of just wondering how Binghe grew to be SO needy. It’s to an unnecessary degree, but I guess without any real emotional or social guidance in the Endless Abyss that could happen?
Zhuzhi-Lang though is a really frustratingly annoying character, but I also like him at the same time. I’m confused by him.
The only other thing I’m like confused a bit about is like, so the 4 sects that are depicted with Cang Qiong Mountain being the top one are like the great four sects, but like...where are they? I’m just asking because of the kind of meta general landscape of what cultivation and Taoism is like some of the events that happen I would think actually would call down some interference from actual Heaven. Like in the classic lit, whenever there’s huge disturbances down in the Human World, like the Heavenly Palace and like the Jade Emperor are like, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” and go send people. I find it really hard to believe that such a disaster as the combining of two realms would be ignored by the armies of Heaven and like Nezha, Erlang Shen, and other notable actual deities up there would come down and be like, “The fuck you guys doing down here with these shenanigans?” Also, Journey to the West is like one of the most like influential books in the canon of Chinese lit and is regarded as literally one of the Four Great Classics. But none of these fools in these “great four sects” know how to stamp a floor and call up the local deity to tell you what the hell is happening in Jinlan City instead of sending your disciples to die? Sun Wukung did that at like every damn city and then also threatened to beat them if they like weren’t doing their job properly. Those minor deities are on the payroll for Heaven, so like...use them? Like I feel like they would know this too because like the ultimate goal for cultivation is to be able to become an immortal and end up on the payroll? I know Qingqiu is supposedly like mid-level or something, but like I think they should like know-ish where they’re going? Like in the future they would become one of those minor gods making records? Are they like not high enough to even talk to them? Maybe not, but I do think like Nezha, Pagoda Bearer Li, or Erlang Shen would definitely come down and be like, “Hey, what’s going on?”
Also like, Shen Jiu isn’t a great character and how he treats his disciples is bad and what he did was bad. But like, also, what is the standard to judge him really? Like Nezha was a dick when he was a child too. When he was 3 he went to a river and was swimming and liked killed all the fish and then a dragon prince came out and was like, “WTF? Why are all the fish dead?” and then Nezha instead of answering him kills him and guts him and then takes his tendon home to turn into a belt. Then like his Dad gets a complaint from the Dragon King like, “Hey, my son is dead! Your son did it. Hand him over so I can kill him or I destroy your town.” So then Nezha’s Dad goes to talk to him and is like, “What’re you doing?” And then Nezha answers him and tells him exactly what he did like it was no big fucking deal that he killed the local Dragon Prince and made him into a belt. Obviously there’s an argument and like Nezha basically rage quits his life and is like, if you’re so concerned about this bullshit I return this body to you and kills himself to cut off his ties to his parents. He was a rude little shit. Then he went into his Mom’s dream and threatened her until she built him a temple so he could get prayer requests until he could be reborn again. His Dad found out and wrecked the temple, so then he went up to go find his master who had him be reborn using lotus flowers. After that after being reborn, Nezha’s first order of business was to go back to his family and try to kill his own father for fucking up his temple and chased him down EVERYWHERE until other powers in Heaven, decided to send down Nezha’s older brothers with a pagoda to give to their Dad that would trap and burn Nezha everytime he tried to murder him. Is this better or worse than what Shen Jiu did? This is an actual god that people worship. A quite prominent and very famous one. Nezha is also one of my favorite deities and I had a huge crush on the Nataku from Fujisaki Ryu’s Houshin Engi manga who has mostly the same backstory as deity Nezha, and I just loved him in high school. He was a good guy. What are the standards here people? I don’t think anyone in any story in China can really judge someone like Shen Jiu doing an understandable level of murder as a response to trauma and severe abuse when they worship a deity that suffered nothing and tried to commit patricide and had a severe disregard for other life. In the cultivation world, potentially, this could be their future boss. I think arguably, he could be worse than Shen Jiu, but he’s a canonical real deity.
The above tirade for me is like a thing I feel like I would have said if I was in the position to be alive in Jinlan City and wanted to defend Shen Qingqiu cuz WTF.
Further, I’m a huge fan of Jigoku Shoujo and Enma Ai did much the same after her cousin saved her from being sacrificed, the villagers found out, buried her a live, made her cousin help bury her alive, and then she came back as a vengeful spirit and set the whole village on fire and killed everyone except maybe her parents who had their souls as prisoners by Enma himself? Can’t 100% remember. But like, on the scale of characters I like that have done terrible things, Shen Jiu is actually relatively low and under some people that are good guys.
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