#my brain feels more frazzled with 0 weed
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We thought that our last flight (until we fly back to USA) was Brussels to Porto but we realized that taking a train / renting a car to get from Portugal into Southern Spain is a lot more time intensive/expensive than flying.
So! We are flying from Lisbon to Malaga on Monday 🙏🏽 We have booked 2 weeks there, which will be our longest stay in 1 place since we arrived in Europe on 12/12!
This apartment is in the best location🙌🏽 Kevin has a coworking space down the block and for Sky there is the best playground in the city just a couple blocks away. She desperately needs some routine and to see kids every day so I’m ecstatic to be in sunny Malaga where she can go to the playground / beach almost daily and it won’t be empty 😭
This is the one thing my mama heart feels shit about. This trip is for me and Kevin. Do I think instilling resiliency in kids from a young age is good for them? Yes, I honestly do. I also think exposing her to wildly different cultures from a young age is super important. BUT it’s hard to be parenting so differently from what I experienced, I do have some guilt.
My parents gave me routine, a big house, tutors, toys, nanny’s to get me whatever I wanted. But you know what I really wanted? To not be waiting up for both my parents to get home from work. To not spend every night as a young child with my nanny instead of my mom. And when I was older, I wished for parents that didn’t hand me everything on a silver platter. Because when you become an adult and realize no one else will do that for you, it’s a rude fucking awakening. When my mom was little, she was taken to every meeting / showing that her mom had after school because my Mimi was a single mother with very limited resources. As a kid, my mom dreamed of a comfortable house with a nanny to care for her while her mother went to work. So that’s what she gave us. I can’t resent her for that, that’s not what this is about. It’s about the fact that every matriarch before me thought she HAD TO sacrifice her happiness for her children’s. And that shit ends here, with me.
I wouldn’t change this trip, I don’t believe in being a martyr simply because I’m a mother. I’m sick and tired of perpetuating that story. So maybe this trip is selfish (a word that was used to describe me most of my childhood, but that I’ve taken back in adulthood to mean something else). Maybe she would be happier if we were in NY or Miami. But we are being loving parents who take care of our child WHILE working and adventuring. We are trying to stoke the fires of our souls while we raise our daughter, not putting off our dreams for some self promise of “when she’s out of our house we can live how we want to…”
Maybe she will resent this lifestyle (or more likely, she won’t remember it because she’s not even 3 yet 😅) but Kevin and I needed this. Our 1.5 years in FL was truly hell. The people… my G-d I swear I can’t even say their names without my stomach twisting.
I know that once we’re back in America, we will more than likely not leave the continent again until our second child is about the same age as Sky. I *think* I will be trying to get pregnant by the end of the year. So this trip is very much a gift to ourselves, the adults who have struggled some days to simply put one foot in front of the other. We just needed to remember that there is a big amazing world out there and we are allowed to be a part of it.
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