#my bpd did improve by now tho so it works

[blondedingdong]

Omw to therapy. I don't wannaaaa but I know it'll help. Still... I don't wanna.

[strangeaxel]

you appear to draw isaac and gerard as being very physically close. cuddly even (:3c), and i want to learn more about this specific aspect because its so cute.. were they always like that? did they have to build up a lot of trust in each other first? how do they see and engage with touch? are/were they ever touch starved?

Drawing a made for the ask lalalala

First of all, thanks for the question! <3

In Gerard's case he used to touch Isaac's hands for example or shoulders to basically indicate he was safe with him and also try to communicate he wanted something more than a friendship with him when they were starting to know each other. I feel like even tho Gerard doesn't consider he's romantic himself in a traditional way i feel he actually is-- (Like when Susana Gimenez asked Charly Garcia if he was romantic and he said yes and Susana asked him "really? You like a dinner, with roses and candles??" And he said "i said im romantic, not stupid" lmao) He calls bitch pet names and cute things even tho she's always abusive towards him, he still tries, so imagine how much freedom could he have with someone like Isaac, a guy that has an anxious attachedment style. I feel he is the way he is in the game as a way of self defense, a way for him to cope with all the shit he has to go through all the time xD so he can't show much emotion or tries to hide it with humor, but in Isaac's world, this paradise isn't so bad, it's more,,, realistic. He doesn't have the constant need to hide his needs in a relationship like he used to (Well, only in private since ... its the 90s-2000s, duh). Gerard started to be more expressive with his physical touch towards Isaac as went time on, cuz of isaac's delusions of people being infected or sinful (this last one mostly because of his alters, for example, Demon) and also so Isaac could have time to process his own feelings, being someone who tries/tried to be a devoted christian this relationship felt wrong in all senses, it took him some time to accept he indeed liked him. Isaac isn't someone who would be nagging you on the streets is he saw you in, for example, a gay relationship, he's ignorant mostly, he doesn't have evil intentions (he also uses this ignorant/innocent view as a way to cope with his own emotions towards man).

While in Isaac's case, once he accepted it/half accepted it started to do your typical couple stuff, only in private, he gets mad when Gerard holds his hand on public and even tho this bothers Gerard a little bit he just can't complain, he understands but also well... his wife was much worst than this. Isaac feels safe cuddling with him, he feels like nothing wrong can happend when he's around (even tho Gerard's bad luck follows him everywhere lol), sometimes when he's having strong episodes because of his delusion it feels like he and him are the only non infected. Isaac has BPD so touch and words mean a lot to him even tho he isn't the best showing his love in a conventional way + he's non verbal for most of the time, it's like they both have two different types of autism lol

I think that's all i have to say about this at least for now, i'm still working on the ship but these types of questions really help me to understand and think of ways to improve it, thanks a lot for the question once again, i'm glad people are interested in knowing about my au/ship.

The song i used as lyrics for the drawing (i love this Tribute so much, please go check it out):

[misguidedwarriors]

i’ve shared so much negative, venting and just not uplighting or whatever stuff regarding my struggles with my mental health on here. but like, this is “update” or whatever you wanna call it is positive, uplifting and a good step regarding me recovering and getting better, under a read more for reasons obviously. it’s a nice lil story tho:

so i came outta my mental health appointment with my doctor today, grinning like the cheshire cat. made sure i had everything listed on some paper, in terms of the things i needed to and had to bring it. was up front and honest with how bad shit is for me atm and i didn’t just brush over it, and pretend it’s all fine and lie straight to my doctor’s face. no excuses this time, confronted my self deductive behaviors, and worked out with a wonderful, understanding and super nice doctor how we can proceed in helping me through that. 

starting medication now, that isn’t going to have me doing the age old luke habit of substance abusing. my adhd pills are addictive to those with bpd, and my lucky ass has both, so. this is a mess to sort out, but i did a mighty big step today to finally getting some more steam on the recovery train. genuinely over the moon with pride for myself with how fucking well i handled today.

for the first time in a very, very long time i’m not afraid of what’s coming. i know we’ve got a treatment plan figured out for me, that is going to do what it’s supposed to do, treat me lol. 

my nan would’ve been proud of me today, she is proud of me looking down, probably has a cheshire cat looking smile on here face too. i mean, it runs in the family i’m sure! ;)

like, if you’re struggling like me atm to, maybe the following will help you out: 

it’s heartbreaking how most people these days are suffering with some type of mental disorder or illness, like it’s not nice, and it’s a scary thing, it’s outright a terrifying and scary prospect fighting your own mind daily. but there’s help out there, you can get through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel, your mental disorder doesn’t get to win, it’s not going to beat you. you’re not alone, you’re not broken for being unwell, it’s also not your fault. if you take anything from this, my lil story have it be that pretending things are okay, like i did on all of the other appointments, brushing over it for whatever reason. mine was because i didn’t think i was bad enough in terms of suffering to take up the services resources, also i figured i had to suck it up kinda too because that’s what men do. totally wrong way of looking at things,i see that now. being brave and taking that first big step in a sense to confront the true state of things is the only way i guess to actually start getting better. idk where i’m going with this, i’m tired and it’s late. like, don’t be like me and literally lie to people who are professionals and wanting to help you get better, don’t pretend things are alright, when they aren’t, don’t think you don’t deserve treatment or the services they offer because someone else needs it more than you or should get it instead of you. you deserve to get better and have help just as much as anyone else. i love you reader ok? you got this, i got this, we all got this! we’re strong sob’s that’s for sure, anyone who is brave enough to fight their own head and mind’s unwell state deserves a spot in the human hall of fame, because that shit is difficult. but it gets better, it’s getting better for me for example. slowly....and i ain’t anywhere where i want to be, or need to be, probably years more of work and improvement but hey? rome wasn’t built in a day after all, and when it was finished it was a massive empire that kicked everyone’s ass, so one day you’ll be kicking your mental disorders ass too! 

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

For the ask meme: A) 1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 23, B) 2, 11, C) 5, 7, D) 5, E) 1, F) 3, G) 5, H) 1, L) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

This is going to be a thicccccc post y’all. Doing these for Reeve, Lonan, Foster, Harrison, and Darren from FOSTERED, and Clifford from I’M DISAPPOINTED!

PART A:

1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Reeve: ISFP

Lonan: ISTJ

Foster: INFJ

Harrison: ENFP

Darren: Not sure about this one, probably whatever my mom is (which I believe is ISFJ)

Clifford: INFP 

3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? 

Reeve:

She has struggled with clinical depression since book two to present times.

She developed PTSD also pretty early on in the series, though it definitely worsened in book four, and is probably at its peak where I’m at in book six.

I also believe she does struggle with borderline personality disorder, though this is a newer discovery, and I’ve definitely been doing a lot of research recently in order to write it respectfully (as I’ve done with the previous disorders).

Reeve is aware of her depression and PTSD, not her BPD, but these all remain untreated

Lonan:

He namely suffers from some form depression that fluctuates a bit

He also suffers from depersonalization/derealization disorder

Lonan’s also struggled with an alcohol problem since book three, and a recent drug problem

I don’t think Lonan is aware concretely of suffering from any of these disorders. He emphasizes seeing things to believe them, so while he understands deep down that he does struggle with these things, he would never admit this to himself, or anyone else. Thus, they would most likely remain untreated.

Foster:

Foster also does suffer from depression as well, though I would push it toward high-functioning.

He feels the effects, but doesn’t say anything about them because he doesn’t put his best interest above everyone else’s. In the future, definitely would be down for therapy

Harrison:

Pretty similar to Foster as well in terms of depression. I think it definitely worsens as he ages, and plateaus when he’s in his mid twenties. 

This wasn’t ever something I considered before my own diagnosis, and isn’t something I’ve consciously incorporated, but I have a gut feeling Harrison has bipolar disorder as well

Harrison doesn’t do anything about this currently, but in the spinoff, does look into medication

Darren:

Darren is a relatively new character for me, so I haven’t had as much time with him to ruminate on this, but I definitely think his brother’s death influenced a resurfacing of his childhood depression. :(

Clifford:

Clifford does have social anxiety disorder, and a milder, but persistent depression (probably persistent depressive disorder)

He did have treatment in the past for his depression, in connection with his treatment for his alcohol abuse, but doesn’t continue with it beyond counselling in the actual book

6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Reeve

She definitely believes her interpretation of events and reality to be correct (even when grandiose) but depending on her mental state, she can very much doubt what’s real and what isn’t. 

Lonan

His interpretation is always right even when he’s wrong.

Foster

“It’s possible I misheard you” be Foster’s catch phrase yo

Harrison

Like Lonan, he’s confident in his interpretation of events/reality, but isn’t arrogant about it lol

Darren

He admits he’s wrong sometimes and makes mistakes, so definitely, he questions his interpretation of things and is always open to improve.

Clifford

Clifford doubts himself SO much??? he be like uhhhummmmbutuhhhhhh

9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? 

Reeve:

Yes for herself and for others, doesn’t really own up to anything ever

Lonan:

Yes also, doesn’t really own up to anything ever, even more so than Reeve

Foster:

Yes for others, but not for himself. If he’s being mistreated, he oftentimes will try to excuse the other party’s behaviour, but will stand up for himself after a while (tho he’s a hella pushover)

Harrison:

Harrison doesn’t make excuses from himself, or for anybody else, excluding Lonan, lol. Because of his emotional investment, he’ll often try to come up with a reason to excuse Lonan’s (usually very horrible) actions when it comes to the intimacy of their relationship. Tho he stops taking BS really quickly, lol, but Lonan can sometimes be a soft spot (which ain’t cool asshole). 

Darren:

Darren is such a good person, lol, he doesn’t excuse himself for his actions, or anyone else’s actions, with Reeve’s being an exception. Pretty similar to Lonan x Harrison.

Clifford:

Clifford does the opposite of excuse his actions. He’s an extreme self-loather, honestly. He also excuses other people’s actions because he’s a pushover like Foster. 

11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?

Reeve:

No, though this is detrimental at times, because she can lack a lot of empathy at times, in the past I would’ve said yes

Lonan:

No, also is a lil selfish not gonna lie

Foster:

Yes, too much

Harrison:

Also yes too much

Darren:

Extreme yes very too much

Clifford:

Hella yikers way too much

23. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?

Reeve:

No, but also isn’t confident, or insecure about it 

Lonan:

To an extent. He doesn’t want to be the garbage aesthetic (which is my aesthetic and I love but ok) so does iron the living fuck out of his button ups, lol. Is very confident @ the arrogance thooooo

Foster:

Yes, just because he’s suave™. He might be a lil insecure because he’s v sensitive tho lol #chillitwiththeaxe

Harrison:

Yes, because he’s also the suavest. Harrison is actually the garbage/dumpster/garage aesthetic, and I love it. He doesn’t put an extraneous amount of effort into his appearance tho, is just a natural boi. He’s also confident but not arrogant (most of the times lol). 

Darren:

A rather normal amount, probably? Isn’t too concerned tho, is confident with who he is as a person

Clifford:

Yes. Very much yes. He’s pretty insecure, and while this doesn’t link back with his appearance, he definitely is conscious of it, and makes sure it doesn’t further add to his accumulated insecurities. 

PART B:

2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?

Reeve:

Yes, the impatience is real the world works for her yo

Lonan:

Also yes, the world is his bitch hunty, the world ain’t only his oyster, it’s his possession my dude why are we still waiting in this line Harrison it’s been thirty seconds oh my gOd

Foster:

No, lol, patience is a virtue yo

Harrison:

Yes, but not because he’s entitled like Reeve and Lonan, but because he’s pretty impatient and antsy and doesn’t enjoy sitting still

Darren:

No, lol he’s just gonna play candy crush on his phone and be satisfied lol

Clifford:

Yes, after some time. Like, he’ll see a long line and be like *impending doom* but won’t start complaining until like fifteen minutes in

11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?

Reeve:

She lets the other person know and will bend the truth so it works in her favour. So ‘I rear-ended someone’ would become ‘someone rear-ended me’. 

Lonan: 

Lets them know he’s running late and lies about why he’s late to also benefit him. So if he slept in, he’s like ‘My sister had me drive her to an appointment and gave me absolutely no notice, and I’m appalled at her inability to recognize consequences for actions and the importance of respecting time’. 

Foster:

Tells the other person he’s running late and is honest about why he’s late, and profusely apologizes. 

Harrison:

Lets them know he’s running late and lies but creatively. So I’m running late because I’m hungover is I’m running late because my alarm system literally had a freak out last night and literally every cop in America showed up at my house and turns out one of them is my mother’s cousin’s ex, so we had a long conversation and then I had to fill out paperwork and pay a fine and my morning has been awful? Sounds unbelievable, but he’ll somehow convince you. Or at least you’ll know he’s lying but the charm tho? 

Darren:

Says he’s running late and tells the truth about why he’s late, is like sorry buddy tbh I wanted to binge Hell’s Kitchen instead of coming to this corporate meeting and yikers the time slipped away.

Clifford:

Says he’s running late and tries to lie but it’s so pathetic the person he has plans with cancels

PART C:

5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

Reeve:

Her morals are ridiculously situational oml

Lonan:

What morals

Foster:

No, lol, his morals are goddamn iron my bro

Harrison:

I mean if he really wants to spitball that one person who wronged him he ain’t gonna say no ??? Though I mean, Lonan has done a lot of awful shit to him, and he still hasn’t gotten revenge, so I guess he’s not a situational kind of mans.

Darren:

Nopers, he likes his morals to stay where they are

Clifford:

Morals also ain’t moving yo

7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? 

Reeve:

No, people don’t change

Lonan:

People never change

Foster:

People can change, but it does take effort (he used to believe it was a natural process and then Reeve and Lonan happened looool)

Harrison:

Ehh. People don’t really change. They can if they really want to, but they’re just going to be the same person but less shitty?

Darren:

I think he’s a little unsure. He wants to believe people can change, but he’s not sure if they actually will because a lot of people just dont have enough self-awareness and drive/willingness to. 

Clifford:

People don’t change mom omg just their circumstances and how they react to them agh

PART D:

5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?

Reeve:

No. When you’re dead, you’re dead.

Lonan:

Also no, when you’re dead, you’re dead anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool

Foster:

Not really? Maybe he’d like to. I don’t think he’s rooted enough in just humanity that he’d believe only what we see exists, but he’s not like a ghost fanatic, lol. When one haunts him tho he’s got that holy water my boi.

Harrison:

Yes, but jokingly. I think he would be a bit of a provoker to ghosts because he thinks the idea is stupid, but does it for the fun. He’s down for ghost hunting apps, but thinks it’s all a joke. Probably is that person who uses a Ouija board and opens a portal.

Darren:

Also no because he doesn’t really think about it? He believes in the afterlife, and probably heard tons of stories from his grandma, but isn’t a huge believer himself.

Clifford:

I feel like Clifford would only believe in ghosts when he’s home alone and it’s 4AM and there’s a knock on the door, tbh, he scares easily, lol

(v/ sad about this tho im a hella believer in ghosts, where my ghost believer characters at thooooo)

PART E:

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

Reeve:

Yeah, I think Reeve is pretty intelligent. She’s able to see the motivations of others and understand them (doesn’t mean she necessarily keeps them in mind with her actions). She’s also pretty good at manipulation because she understands the insecurities and weaknesses of those around her. I dunno if she’d necessarily agree with this, though.

Lonan:

Lonan is v/ intelligent, similarly to Reeve. He is literally the *master of manipulation, knows the motives of others, their weaknesses, and knows exactly how to exploit them to the fullest extent possible. Other than his intelligence being used to ruin the lives of others, lol, he’s also really good with numbers. Highkey actually me self-inserting my love for mental math into my son #noregrets. He would definitely agree with this. He’s smart and he knows it. (Unfortunately) Though for the smartest person in my books, he sure does make the stupidest decisions??

(last week I was shopping with my best friend and calculated a total real quick and she was like “stop being lonan” lol oops)

(lonan is actually an insult now ??)

Foster:

He’s also hella smart, and gets no credit for it? Foster is very much like a teacher, honestly. He’s got that elementary school 10/10 teacher vibe to him. Foster is also really good at math, lol. He’s got an affinity for science outside of my book world, to be honest, loves reading, is down to memorize the periodic table, yo. Foster’s really down to earth so he’d prolly be hella modest about his smarts. 

Harrison:

He’s really, really smart, but acts really dumb?? Harrison doesn’t give himself enough credit, to be honest. He doesn’t really focus on his brain, but it’s a sharp one, yo. He would probably disagree with me calling him smart tho. 

Darren:

Is like my smartest boy? Darren is very people smart, but he’s also very brain smart, lol. I think he’d be pretty proud about his smarts, and express that, though not arrogantly. 

Clifford:

Hates himself so would probably call himself the stupidest shit alive even though he actually isn’t. He just needs some encouragement.

PART F:

3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

Reeve:

No, too claustrophobic for her, would probably burn it down in frustration

Lonan:

No, he would need a five acre extension.

Foster:

Yes! This is so his aesthetic he just wants to live in a tiny house in the woods and never interact with people and be one with nature and make pine needle tea every morning and play Sudoku and write a novel about a young man on his literary adventures in London while sitting in a hammock at golden hour.

Harrison:

No? Maybe he’d find it really fun and a great idea for the first week so he could pretend to be a giant, but I mean, I think he’d hate it after a while. He’d keep bumping into cupboards and drawers and blame it on the size of the house when it’s really actually him. 

Darren:

Yuppers, sign him up. Except Darren would be so down for a tiny house built out of an old school bus (like my dream tiny house lolol), and he’d just park up on the beach and have the best life?

Clifford:

I think he would enjoy it for a bit, but I can’t see Clifford sticking it out for very long. :( He likes small spaces as they’re comforting to him but is also claustrophobic? This boy is a walking contradiction tho? (me)

PART G

5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

Reeve:

Not really she’s boring lol

Lonan:

Probably a really pathetic emo phase ft. the Haircut before he buzzed off his hair lmaooooo

Foster:

Also so boring, no phases here, probably if I had to choose, the ‘hippie’ phase but it’s not a phase if it’s his life ? He’s like YES with that clay based toothpaste, YES with them green smoothies, #oil pulling? Sign me UPPP. 

Harrison:

The swearing phase where every sentence is made of curse words except also not a phase if it’s real doe?? he’s no lie that person who be like: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyoufuckfuckfuckfuck

Darren:

He probably had a real quick stint of writing bad poetry except he was never angsty enough so it was always like the sun is up / the sky is blue / it’s beautiful / and so are you and tbh can I get a Darren in my life

(not that those lyrics are bad i quite like them)

Clifford:

Clifford will forever be stuck in his emo phase, that’s who he is, man, he’s forever stuck in his edgy emo sad boi phase ok

(me tooooooo)

PART H

1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?

*Not setting everything in stone here, just as with real people, there’s totally room to change, this is just what I’m thinking as of now, tho I haven’t traditionally characterized any of these guys, so they change every day lol! I always learn new things about my characters (which I try to share) so that’s my disclaimer!

Reeve:

So I did write her hetero for both, but I’m not actually super sure anymore? She maybe could be bi?

Lonan:

Aha, Lonannnnnnn. So this is going to connect with my answer for Harrison later on, but I’m also not sure on both sides ? I used to be pretty set that he was both heterosexual and heteroromantic, but I’m leaning probably toward bisexual x biromantic, though I’m not sure if these particular labels fit him. All I know is Lonan likes Harrison (and Harrison likes Lonan lol), tho navigating his head when it comes to this has been a bit confusing (which I get), so I don’t have a set answer to be honest. 

Foster:

He is both heteroromantic and heterosexual

Harrison:

Ahhha, so. I’m also a lil confused when it comes to Harrison too, which is something I’ve been meaning to discuss on here for a bit! I recently mentioned he is bi, not sure if that’s still set? I’ve been trying to navigate whether or not he likes women both sexually and romantically, just sexually, just romantically, etc?? We’ve established Harrison is in love af with Lonan, and is attracted af to him, just ahhhh my brain has been all over the place with Ris. I’m like, not sure if he’s bi, or gay or ??? like ?? dunno ? 

Darren:

Admittedly not something I’ve thought about extensively, would probably say hetero for both

Clifford:

Hetero, but maybe biromantic?? I mean him and Julian tho ??? I haven’t thought about Clifford in a very long time oops. 

PART L

1. How have your characters changed since you created them?

Reeve:

So I’ve been writing Reeve for almost four years now, and I can confidently say I only figured out who she really is very recently. Reeve hasn’t actually changed very much since book one, I think I’ve just realized who she is more, so her actions reflect herself a lil better. She’s a self-centred person, and pretty much always has been, but because I know that that’s her character, and not me writing her wrong, I’ve been able to push that even more in book six versus book one. She’s also a lot less empathetic than she was, but honestly, she hasn’t made too much positive change, just remained as she was before, but worse.

Lonan:

Lonan ‘changed’ a lot, namely because I didn’t know he was going to be Reeve’s half brother until book three (he was intro’d in book two). Change isn’t a very good word for him, because like his sister, he’s remained the same person, but the way he acts has differed slightly. So how I perceive him has changed, would probably be a more accurate sentiment because his character hasn’t changed much. He’s impatient as he was in book two, a lil narcissistic, hot-headed, arrogant. I’d say he’s changed the most in terms of self destruction. He’s always been self-destructive, but he’s even more so now.

Foster:

Foster is a lot milder than I initially wrote him. He had a bit of sass to him in book one, but this totally actually isn’t his character, which I realized as I went along. He doesn’t stand up for himself nearly as much as he used to, and his submissiveness has increased a lot. It’s funny (and kind of awful) that I’ve never actually characterized these guys with backstory (just went on as it happened), so a lot of things change as I go, but his sass tho? Where did it go ?? He cracked more jokes too ??? now he’s so serious ?? He also wasn’t vegan before but now he legit is?? Foster is hella posher than he was before, honestly. 

Harrison:

Harrison’s a lot more mature now than he was in book one. His character arc is kind of funny, because he’s hot-headed, impatient, funny, sassy, etc when he’s 17, up until he’s 19. From 20 onward, he’s a lot more mature, and less childish, and from 25 onward, reverts back to his seventeen year old self, lol. Harrison’s patience has increased a lot more tho, and he also isn’t volatile at all. He’s a huge softie who I somehow didn’t realize liked the bois even tho it’s so obvious he does like ? Rachel r u good ??? he is so down for the rainbow tho ? taste the rainbow doe ?

Darren:

AHA Darren has changed SOOOO MUCH. Darren was supposed to be a horrible person, narcissistic, bitter, very sharp and blunt, selfish, etc, and that’s how I planned him to be. Literally the instant I wrote his first line into the book he turned into a total softie seweetheart with the biggest heart of gold which actually doesn’t work for my future plot but I can’t help that he’s literally a dream come true as a person? He went from stupid villain to SWEETERMANSSS.

Clifford:

lol I wrote Clifford as a hardcore ‘I don’t give two fucks about this world, fuck you man’ kind of guy who was honest and kind of an ass for about the first three chapters of the original draft of I’M DISAPPOINTED when I realized he’s actually a cinnamon roll? I struggled to change this in my earliest edits (I think I have notes saying MAKE CLIFFORD LESS OF AN ASS) a lot. He wasn’t supposed to be anxious af either, or care about his family. Needless to say, pretty stoked he changed lol. 

2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

I don’t really consider theme very much, if at all in my books or characters (this is more so something I look to after the fact if it ever comes up), but I’d say a huge theme for everybody is loss? I dunno why, but loss is one of my favourite things to write because it almost acts as a vortex for more potential problems to integrate into a story. I really like dealing with messy situations in my books, and loss really allows me to do this, as well as segue into other characteristics in my characters, such as selfishness, anger, deceit, sadness, etc.

3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

Reeve:

No, conceptually, she was never meant to be anything like me, and in execution, I still don’t think she’s anything like me, lol. 

Lonan:

No, he also wasn’t created to be like me, and remained nothing like me until around book four? Lonan and I are still very different (he’s hella calculating and not emotional lol), but there are parts of me that I now see in him. 

None of these characteristics were intentional, but he totally got my worst characteristics. Sometimes these characteristics (mostly) are more exaggerated in him than me (such as coldness), but yeah he’s kinda like my evil alter ego, lol. 

Because of this, Lonan is kind of the closest character to me, strangely, and I’ve had a dissociative episode ft. him, which was strange but interesting!

My doctor has deemed Lonan my lil guardian buddy who reminds me of the laws of the real world (like yo if u jump off something u gon fall hunny gravity is a thing), which is fascinating to me (could talk about this forever!) because I never considered him to be that close to me? 

Foster

lol no not me at all, wasn’t created that way ever

Except we both love tofu and could probably drown in tofu and not be mad about it?

I need to write a scene with Foster and tofu oml

Harrison

Aha, no he wasn’t actually created to be like me at all, and I never thought we were similar until a year or two ago! He’s kinda like the ‘extroverted me’ obvi I think I’m colder and more cynical than him, but we could vibe since we’re on a similar wavelength lol

Harrison is like all the sunshine in me, so subtract the Lonan from me

Darren

Also no, Darren wasn’t created to be me, and I think he’s too nice to be similar to me, lol. 

Clifford

So Clifford was never created to be like me at all. We started out as being two very very very different people, and then suddenly he ? was ? my ? emo ? alter ? ego ? tho ???

Clifford was a very suave boi before I figured out who he was, and when I did, he turned out to be an anxious, angsty, existential boi who is no lie basically a self-insert ahahaha

4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

Reeve

Is it mean if I say no, lol. She’s not a people person or a friend person, and I dunno what we would even talk about. Obviously if I could hang out with all my characters that’d be fun, but I dunno if I’d even talk to Reeve, looool oops

Lonan

Yes! Just because I’d really enjoy provoking him. Lowkey would hate me, but I could see his superman hair in person ? tho ?

Foster

queen yessss catch us gushing bout tofu and chickpeas ???? 

Harrison

QUEEN yes! ft. ABBA on karaoke tho? Hanging out with Harrison would be so fun because he’s actually not boring like Lonan who we would poke fun at and then I’d be like yo hunnyyy snatch up that date for yourself thoooooo and we would talk about boys lol

Darren

Also yes! Darren is so generous and kind and funny and tbh how tf is he single hmu Darren tbh let’s eat Oreos and watch musicals

Clifford

I don’t really want to hang out with Clifford because that would be horribly awkward? But I think jamming some guitar with him would be very fun and then we’d bond and write angsty poetry on our hands

5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘good guy’?

loool not Reeve

My order from most morally sound to least morally sound:

Darren

Foster

Clifford

Harrison

Reeve

Lonan

None of these people are particularly antagonists in terms of the bias of the story. I would say Darren, Foster, Clifford and Harrison are all 100% not antagonistic at all. Reeve and Lonan are technically ‘heroes’ but ha, no. I’d definitely say in other perspectives, they’re both hella morally grey, and in many cases, very morally wrong.

6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘bad guy’?

The award is going to Lonan, but Reeve is right up there with him. Neither Reeve or Lonan are supposed to be the ‘bad guy’, they just make poor decisions. At the moment, Reeve is making worse decisions than her brother, so, their moral decline kinda switches at times, lol. Neither are the antagonists of the book at least from Reeve’s narrative bias, but I guess if you think about it, they wreak the most havoc for the most part.

7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive?

Heh I love that this is the last question! I think they’re all rather decent, and have their own attractive qualities tho? Some observations:

Reeve

Kinda plain not gon lie she cute doe

Lonan

Bird boi, The hair swoop tho? #itsignifieshisdownfall, that jawline tho?

Foster: 

Fresh boi, gotta iron dem dress shirts, #oxfords, #shoepolish, #hairgel 

Harrison

Hawt boi, That shaggy hair tho? The leather jackets and cigarettes tho?

Darren:

Suave boi, EVERYTHING tho??? His hair ??? His face ??? His personality ??? 

Clifford:

lmao 

Thanks for all the questions! Whattup at this long post, good on you if you made it this far!

–Rachel

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

Lavender: Name something that relaxes you. movie days in my apt with a big cup of coffee or iced tea. going to target. hanging out at Marshalls. the bookstore (not going there again tho bc embarrassed myself in front of the cashier last week & now she probably thinks i’m a creep)

Polaroid: Post a picture that makes you feel good about yourself. I never feel good about myself, lmao. but i did take a cute picture this weekend and my butt looks nice, I’ll post it later

Vinyl: What is some of your favorite music? I rly do listen to everything but country music. this weekend though i threw the fuck down to some MK though, highlight of the night (along w zed’s dead & a&b).

Incense: List your three favorite scents. lavender vanilla, that stress-free shit from bath & body works, that sleep shit from bath and body works.

Roots: How do you ground yourself or recharge? uhhh, buddy??? lmao. i’m never grounded or recharged!!!!! i try by taking the time to do things i think i’ll enjoy, but that ends up being very overwhelming.

Silk Sheets: Any ways you treat or spoil yourself? i but myself macaroons when i go to home goods. sometimes if i have extra money i go get a pedicure. i try to shower every day and moisturize (no it’s not lack of hygiene sharon, its depression). 

Paintbrushes: Do you have a creative past-time? i used to sketch daily and i had been making major improvements until my mom threw out my sketchbook and i haven’t seriously drawn anything since.

Scars: Share something difficult you've been through. i have plenty traumatic stories, but rn i’m just trying to stay alive tbh.

Rainstorms: What helps you fall asleep? not sure, summer started my sleeping outta wack already 

Bones: Name one strength and one weakness. i can be persistent and can REALLY get shit done if i dedicate the time and effort to it. it takes A LOT of energy to do that successfully though i drop shit halfway through all the time (mental illness is rly my only weakness)

Teacups: Favorite beverages? iced tea, water, and coffee

Sealing Wax: Have you ever received a letter or written one to someone else? i have done both

Dragons: What makes you feel powerful, what breathes life into you? a day where i’m not plagued by BPD; it’s been rough the past couple years

Soup: Comfort food? there’s no food that rly comforts me bc usually feel like shit after having it...but i guess mike & ike, macaroons more lately bc not as bad as candy though

The Moon: What's your favorite thing to do at night? try and organize my thoughts, they’ve been getting back to being more like static in my head lately

Klosh: If you could go back to any three era's what would they be? there haven’t been any good eras for afro-latinas to go back to

Lace: Your favorite things to wear? sweaters/windbreakers, leggings, workout shorts, long sleeves

Pocketwatch: If you could be immortal or have an extremely long life span what would you pick and why? i think immortal (under the condition that i get to stop aging at about 27) bc i wouuld literally have alllll the time in the world to do everything i ever wanted i would learn so much wow, and if i ever wanted to die then fine, i’d figure out how to handle that, but after living for a couple hundred years.

Honeybee: Name something positive you have done for yourself or someone else in the last two weeks. in the last two weeks??? uhh, idk. i took myself to SMF even though i wasn’t rly excited for it initially. i was nice to michelle at work? 

Typewriter: If you had to come up with ten words to describe your life story so far, what would they be? being depressed really sucks, but i am trying my hardest.

Blue Hair Dye: One thing you like about your appearance? most days i hate the body i’m in, but some days i realize its actually not all bad, and could be even better once i figure out how to best take care of it all over again.

Felines: Something that makes you feel better after a hard day? coming home knowing i dont got shit to do the following day

Poetry: If you have one, name a favorite book or poem. howl by allen ginsberg, any book by cassandra clare

[suchaflurryflurry]

all the questions for the patrick stump ask game

fall out boy: do you prefer working in groups or on your own?usually on my own, unless i know the people i’m working with really well.

public display of affection: are you comfortable with hugging/kissing people in public?idk, i mean i’ve never been in a relationship and i think it would all depend on the circumstances, like how safe i felt it was to engage in pda with my partner.

xgrinding processx: do you like your url?yeah, that’s why i chose it.

patterson: do you want to join a band?not really. like i’d rather work with a band rather than in a band.

truant wave: do you have a project that you’re working on?i’m working on a novel. and by working on i mean not working on at all.

porcelain: have you ever met a celebrity?not that i know of.

spotlight (oh nostalgia): what do you miss about your childhood?things not being so complicated and not having the overwhelming fear that i’ll never amount to anything constantly hovering over me.

cute girls: what are three turn ons for you?people with their sleeves rolled up, winter beard patrick, laura jane grace (just her in general)

love, selfish love: are you selfish?i mean i can be, but i try not to.

as long as i know i’m getting paid: what’s something you wouldn’t do for $1,000,000?anything that goes against my morals.

big hype: when was the last time you were let down by someone?i’m usually the one letting people down.

soul punk: what is something that you’re proud of?finally accepting my gender and sexuality and realizing that just because i didn’t always know it doesn’t mean that my identities are any less valid.

explode: are you good at controlling your anger?it really all depends on what made me angry as well as the kind of day/night/week/month/ i’ve been having. but generally, not very well. it’s something i need to work on.

this city: name three things you love about the city you currently live in.all 3 things are my best friend. like honestly i can’t wait to get out of this town.

dance miserable: do you enjoy dancing?i can’t stand crowds and since most dancing involves crowds, no. also i’m often extremely dysphoric so even dancing alone is a no go because it makes me super aware of my body.

spotlight (new regrets): what is something you regret?not dropping classes in college because it fucked up my gpa

the “i” in lie: are you a bad liar?the opposite actually

run dry (x heart x fingers): what is your favorite beverage?henry’s hard orange soda

greed: which of the seven deadly sins are you most guilty of?sloth and envy

everybody wants somebody: are you in love?i don’t think so. i do have a crush on somebody tho

allie: have you ever been betrayed?yeah, a few times

coast (it’s gonna get better): name three things that make you feel at ease.thunderstorms, my cat and music

bad side of 25: what age has been the best for you so far?the 9 months i was in my mother’s womb

people never done a good thing: are you very cynical?i alternate between being the most cynical bastard and the most idealistic on a daily basis.

when i made you cry: have you ever made someone cry? if so, what did you do?being a complete piece of shit.

mad at nothing: do you get irritated easily?yeah.

saturday night again: would you rather have dignity or love?love

evening out with your girlfriend: what would you tell your 11-year old self?“hey you’re actually a guy. also do your fuckin work in high school and college. hell do your fuckin work now. also your autistic, here’s what that means. like i know you got diagnosed a few years ago but nobody explained shit to you”

take this to your grave: what’s the fist song you heard by your favorite band?because of the shame

from under the cork three: what’s your favorite book?wicked by gregory maguire

infinity on high: do you draw?very rarely and very badly

folie a deux: how do you react to criticism?depends on what it is. like if it’s “hey this thing you did could be improved here are some suggestions” then i’m all for that, please tell me how i can be a better writer/character creator/world developer. but if you’re like “kys bc u suck” then...no...

believers never die: do you believe in an afterlife?no, but i’m also not gonna say that i’m 100% certain there isn’t one.

pax am days: have you ever been drunk?not really.

save rock and roll: what’s your favorite genre?pop punk

american beauty/american psycho: what’s your favorite movie?the devil wears prada

m a n i a: are you looking forward to anything?seeing fob with my best friend. it’ll be her first fob show so i’m super excited for her.

adhd: do you have any mental disorders?i have depression and anxiety and i’m also autistic. there’s also a chance that i have bpd but i’m not 100% on that.

prince: who do you look up to the most?laura jane grace

elisa: are you single or taken?single not sure how to mingle but i kind of want to.

glenbrook south: do you go to school? if so, do you like the school?i just graduated from university and i liked it, but i wish i would have been more involved in the gsa.

evanston: where were you born?houston tx (or at least near there)

glenview: where did you grow up?this small town in texas

chicago: where do you go to calm down?my room

stump-o-matic: do you play any instruments?i have a bass that i can play like one thing on. i really need to practice but i get discouraged super easily.

martin: do you have a middle name?lewis

vaughn: would you like to change your name?holy shit would i. unfortunately i have to spend $$$ on hormones to prove i’m really a man and then get a probably cishet judge to say it’s ok

stumph: does your name get misspelled a lot?buddy, i’m trans. my name doesn’t just get misspelled it’s the entirely wrong damn name.

declan: do you want kids?human kids? no. but baby goats sounds like a great idea.

cobra starship: do you have a squad?can a squad be 2 people? bc rn the only person i ever hang out with is my best friend.

april 27: when’s your birthday?jan 5