#my body will never be the same again yadda yadda

[hollowboobtheory]

Do you still have cancer or

see that's actually a more complicated question than you'd think. i won't be in remission for a while but as of my last scan i don't have any detectable tumors or metastases. i'm out of active treatment but i'm still in treatment to recover from treatment, like today i had speech/swallow therapy and we talked about possible treatments for my lymphedema. i'm still living mostly on nutrition shakes.

[noridoorman]

# Nuzi is not a pro-ship, I'm so tired that needs to be repeated #

I went on Twitter for like the first time (what a mistake) and saw again and again people complaining about how Nuzi is a pro-ship, Uzi is just a teen, N is an adult, yadda yadda and it gets so tiring at some point.

one point might be a bit controversial tho oops

"Uzi said herself that she's a teenager!"

Yes, she did. But teens can range from the ages of 13-20. It is a wide spectrum that is thankfully narrowed down by episode 3 when it is revealed that all classmates in her class are around the ages of 18-20. There's nobody younger than 18, meaning that it's highly unlikely that Uzi is 17 and even more unlikely that she's 16. She has to be around the ages of 18-20.

"But Uzi does to highschool, which only teens between the ages of 15-17 go to!"

That is if you assume that the drones only adopted the American school system. However, we've got a drone that only speaks Russian and a manuel for drone parents that is translated in French. In Germany, adults over the age of 18 can visit highschools. Heck, I'm 19 and currently in my 12th year of highschool. I'll be 20 in my final years where my prom will happen too, which, again, indicated that Uzi is older than what everyone assumes.

"How come Uzi is older than 18 if there are parent-teacher conferences?"

Again, my school also has parent-teacher conferences, even for the students that are adults. It's an optional thing and at this point in the story, Khan wanted to somehow reconnect with Uzi again which makes sense that he visits the parent-teacher conference.

"Uzi is shorter than her classmates, indicating that she's younger!"

Short adults exist, I don't need to elaborate further.

"Uzi's mom died shortly after she was made. N was already an adult at that time!"

We've seen through flashbacks from Doll that her parents died while she was a teen/not a pill baby. The same could have happened to Uzi, that Nori died while she was older. Also, N already being an adult is something I wanna unpack in the next argument.

"Uzi at some point asks about her mother, indicating that she never truly knew her! This implies that Uzi was a baby when Nori died!"

Yes, N could have also killed Nori while Uzi was a baby. But guess what?

N was a "baby" too.

Bear with me.

If we really wanna go by ages of the drones, we should remember that ALL the drones aged differently. Uzi was the only one that was a pill-baby before. N, V and J weren't, they were all in adult bodies. Yet, they were all around the same age of Uzi.

The way I understand the timeline is like this;

Uzi is made. N gets rescued from the scrapyard and saved by Tessa. I'd like to assume that he only got to live a few months before being discarded, as we can see that humans act very carelessly with their drones. So, Uzi is essentially a newborn while N is around 3-5 months old.

about 2 years pass. Both N and Uzi are two-years-old. However, ONLY UZI IS A PILL BABY DRONE. N was always in the default worker drone body. He can talk, move and do a bunch of things a 2-year-old shouldn't be able to do. However, if we base age on maturity and life experiences than he's no more an adult than Uzi was. All of his capabilities are programmed, he'll literally just die if he can't do those things cause otherwise he's defective. (BTW, NOT JUSTYFING PPL THAT GO "oh, you're mature for your age" OR SHIT LIKE THAT. I'M JUST SAYING THAT IN TERMS OF MATURITY, THEY WERE MOST LIKELY ON THE SAME LEVEL)

Uzi is now 3-years-old and the diassembly drones killed Nori. It'll make sense why she doesn't remember much of Nori and ask questions about her. N is also 3-years-old and he, along with V and J, are doomed to kill Worker Drones until they finish their job and die due to overheating.

By that logic, N AND UZI ARE AROUND THE SAME AGE.

Of course we can't get a clear timeline of events as Liam said that he doesn't want to write himself into a corner. But this is the one that makes me most sense to me unless somebody manages to proof me otherwise.

UZI WAS A PILL BABY, N WAS NOT.

N might aswell have been a pill baby this whole time and nobody would have batted an eye. Their physical bodies do not equal their mental maturity and age, those are completely seperate entities.

I might have fumbled on my words a lot, I'm not a native English speaker. I still hope this was easy to explain without me having said something wrong accidentaly.

"N x Uzi just came out of nowhere for fanservice!"

It was confirmed that the scirpt of Murder Drones was finished way back at episode 1 before the ship became even popular. Heck, Glitch posted a picture of Beau before the second episode dropped. Also, animations takes such a long time to do with lots of planing. Last minute changes are extremely risky to make and no professional studio like GLITCH would do that just to appease the fans.

"They killed of V to make Nuzi canon!"

I agree with the part that V should have gotten more screentime before her death.

But she wasn't killed off to make Nuzi happen.

She just went through an entire charachter arc from this drone that masks her trauma thorugh feiging apathy/joy in killing and always making decisions based on what she thought was right because she couldn't trust the people around her, not even N.

At the end, when V sacrificed herself, she finally recognized that Uzi is not CYN, she's as much as a victim as V was and that Uzi truly cares about N like she does. Her sacrifice was there to show how she finally manages to trust Uzi, even though she most likely knows how dangerous Uzi can get if she loses control. I just wished they build up towards that more cause it would have been so much better but she wasn't killed off to make Nuzi happen.

There are probably more arguments that I missed...

[sigritandtheelves]

in light of recent events, here's a rundown (again) of all the ways txf has made wombs the source of horror, exploitation, medical rape, or (funny??) non-consensual impregnation. TW for these topics, obviously.

"Eve" - medical rape / impregnation with tampered embryos, and the completely tone-deaf scene with the mother ripping up the picture of a daughter she gave birth to because she was an abomination 🙃

"Ascension" / "One Breath" - GA's pregnancy used to set off the abduction/ infertility/ ova harvesting arc.

"Aubrey" - pregnancy makes BJ crazy and murderous, infected (via the womb?) with the spirit of someone who's still alive (???)

"Fearful Symmetry" - human wombs aren't the only ones being exploited! the aliens are coming after animal fetuses now too!

"Memento Mori" - stolen ova; Scully's infertility becomes a plot point; clones made from the product of medical rape.

"Small Potatoes" - goofy jokey rape episode, you know, for laughs. "If everyone is happy, and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically... where's the crime?" 😖

"The Post-Modern Prometheus" - more hilarious medical rape for laughs, now with Cher! "What's not to love?"

"Christmas Carol" / "Emily" - why are all the girl children disposable? Another child of medical rape who was (conveniently) "never meant to be."

Fight the Future - Scully is damseled once again and this time her whole body becomes a womb to host a monstrosity! Fun!

"Terms of Endearment" - so so so many dead babies in this episode 😭 Pregnant people can be victims OR monsters! That's feminism! 🙃

"Two Fathers" / "One Son" - this one might be a little bit of a stretch, but I'd like to point out again that Teena was 19 when she married Bill Mulder and any "affair" she had with CSM the following year was likely not terribly consensual, given what we see of their relationship later. She was 20 when Mulder was born.

"Signs and Wonders" - horrifying snake birth

"En Ami" - retroactively (2018) included yet another medical rape for Scully (though I 100% refuse to accept it); apparently, CSM is perpetually impregnating the Mulder men's partners 🤮

"Per Manum" - more medical rape by corrupt IVF doctors, and we learn that Scully's IVF attempt was probably tampered with, too. does any character deserve this much reproductive trauma?

"Essence" / "Existence" - yeah. we all know, and I'm not talking about it anymore.

Actually, the whole William arc. I'm just not gonna talk about it because it fills me with an unholy rage.

"My Struggle" - Sveta's medical rape / alien rape? idk, i won't watch these again.

"Founder's Mutation" - more of the same, yadda yadda, medical experimentation, monstrous births, etc.

"My Struggle IV" - we don't need to talk about it, but children and pregnancies are not disposable plot points, Christopher.

[ronwestbreeze]

i had an idea for your shallow end series. imagine y/n telling tua about her late older brother and what he was like, little stories about him when he was alive in attempt to keep his memory alive even after having another baby :')

wishes

pairing: jake sully x fem!na'vi!reader

summary: in which you help tua fall asleep by telling her about her older brother...

warnings: a little angsty :(

word count: 0.6k

author's note: yes it's a bit short but i liked how it turned out so, eh i'm not too worried. hope you enjoy it. this kind of hurt me haha

“A-Aawpok?”

“Mhmm, that’s your older brother’s name.” You say.

Both you and little Tua, who was beginning to say her first words, were lying down in the tent together that night. Everyone else had fallen asleep, all sprawled about. Lo’ak, Spider, and Neteyam were sleeping on one side of the room. Kiri and Tuk lay next to Neytiri, Tuk being sandwiched between the two. Jake lied on the other side of Neytiri and was also sandwiched between you and Neytiri. And Tua was on your right. You had turned a little bit out of your husband’s arms so you could face and comfort her.

It usually took Tua a while to fall asleep. You never minded staying up with her since you were having trouble sleeping yourself these days.

You caressed her little toes as you whispered quietly for her to hear, “He would have adored you, my little one. He always loved taking care of his siblings, fiercely protective of them—which means he was as stubborn as your father.” You chuckled quietly as Tua stared up at you with wide eyes.

Tua took your thumb and brought it to her mouth, numbing at it with her barely grown teeth as you continued. “The boy was quite adventurous too. Often always getting into trouble with Lo’ak, he could be a little troublesome sometimes but that’s what I loved best about him. I still remember the first time he got his ikran. Your brother was so stubborn about it. Like Lo’ak, he had fallen off the first time and was determined to get back on it and try again. Jake was against it but Aawpok did it anyway and he succeeded. I had never been so proud but of course, I had to receive an earful afterwards about how he’s my son, yadda, yadda, yadda.” Tua giggled when you tried mimicking Jake’s voice. “We often fought about it but that was during the times where your father and I weren’t as close…

“Aawpok always hated it, how distant we were in the beginning. And I hated that he had to see that. He was sensitive and always fought for us to love each other someday.” You played with Tua’s little hairs on her head, blinking away tears. “I just wished he could’ve seen that it did come true. That his wishes were heard that he was heard. He would be so happy if he were here…my little sunshine boy.” You tickled her belly, earning another giggle from the toddler that made you smile despite your tears. “And my little moon girl.”

You hummed a quiet lullaby to her, stopping every now and then when your voice quivered just a bit. Eventually, Tua’s eyes began to droop until they closed and her breathing evened in a steady pattern.

And for a moment you pressed your ear against her chest without waking her, listening to her little heartbeat. You lied on your back then, closing your eyes to will the tears away.

It wasn’t until you felt a larger body wrap itself around you, did you finally open your eyes. You turned your head to find Jake was awake. He watched you as he always did, his larger hand coming up to caress your cheek, wiping away the tear stains as he did.

“Is she sleeping?” He asked quietly, sitting up just a bit to see her sleeping form.

“Mhm.” You responded, burying yourself further into his chest. He responded instantly, wrapping his arm around you while the other stayed with Neytiri.

He pressed a kiss against your hairline, “I miss him too.” He kissed your nose. “And I wish he was here, every waking day.”

You smiled up at him, “He was so much like you.”

A chuckle left his lips, “Yes but he was you all the same. I loved that about him. And I love that about you.”

You sat up slightly and leaned down to press a kiss against his lips, “I love you.”

“And I adore you.”

[x-moonsoul-x]

TL;DR Hey, I’m reading into stuff (character design, I will never stfu about the rottmnt character design) again. Overthinking it like a true Donnie kinnie 🫡

So, I thought the mask tails were in order of age in rise. But, I’m unclear on which mask tails between Donnie & Mikey and Leo & Raph’s are longer/shorter. BUT. Another thing with their mask tails is that the two younger have shorter mask tails and the two older have longer mask tails (I’m a firm younger twin Donnie believer.) Furthermore, when we look at, for example,

MIKEY’S mask tails, they’re quite symbolic of him as a character.

They’re the only ones that are really rounded to that extent (Leo’s are more rounded too, but in a longer and less bubbly/circle way) Mikey is a fun, bubbly, optimistic character. Hence why Mikey=circle. They’re also shaped kind of like a paintbrush - the actual brush part, that is - which is interesting.

LEO’S are more triangular and curve much like his sword. Also, since they’re longer, we don’t see them very often (same with Raph’s) because of how the physics of the mask tails work.

The reason for Leo being a triangle, I’m not entirely sure. But my working theory (haven’t read anywhere why, though it’s likely somewhere) is because a lot about him is sharp. Sword, markings, face, body shape, mask tails. However, his personality is, ironically, the opposite. He’s also the more fun type, and definitely not a villain - even if he may see himself as one or, at least, the ‘blame’ during the movie - (sharp angles in character design are typically associated with villains) But his mask tails being a rounded triangle is really interesting. It’s like he’s smoothing out his personality (cough, cough, face man.) but he’s still “sharp” (loud, ‘annoying’, funny, quick-witted.)

RAPH, I don’t know too too much about, however- you also don’t often see the tails of his mask (because it, like Leo’s, is longer.) It’s jagged like his shell (again, ironic, because he’s pretty much a big softie - although on both the exterior and interior, he is/can be very tough.) He’s harsh on himself more so than he is on his brothers, taking it as his duty to protect them, to lead them, to keep them from harm.

I refuse to retype what I just typed, so I took a photo:

OK, so for DONNIE, I don’t have really anything to say (because I’m tired and my phone’s overheating ^^ he’s still my favourite and I love him dearly.)

But, his mask tails are more rectangular. Donnie = Rectangle, as we all know. (Galactic forehead, cough cough) And Donnie’s mask tails, with him being a younger brother and his mask tails being shorter, are more visible (again, physics.)

That’s it, he’s a rectangle. Shape language and such that goes more into his personality, yadda yadda, like I said - tired.

Anywho, that’s also a big part of a point that could be made about the episode(s) where they went through more formal training and their outfits were completely the same. They were one, completely. Raph and Leo even mind melded. But, that also means they weren’t themselves (we be we, baby.)

This is also a very long winded way of saying Donnie is the younger twin (I accept no other answers (jk ^^))

So, I hope somebody actually reads this rant. And, remember, I know this likely might not actually mean anything. I’m an analyst. I love their character designs I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

But, that’s just a theory… a game theory!!

xoxo

[sittiytaart]

There is Only 1 Sunset

In my MLP AU there is actually only one Sunset, Sunset as a young child was human and managed to accidentally phase through the portal and came to Equestria.

She was caught by the guards but was simply escorted out of the castle, where she struggled to live cuz she's a human child in a pony's body. However all humans have a hidden magic potential that they just can't use.

So after a few days of being homeless she manages to garner the attention of Princess Celestia after a magic incident (Which causes Equestria!Sunset's parents to never meet). And learning that Sunset is homeless Celestia decides to take her in as a student hoping she'd be the Element of Friendship.

Sunset forgets about her human life and lives well, Celestia makes a bunch of mistakes since this is honestly her first time being a 'Parent' to a filly and it sorta messes Sunset Shimmer a whole lot. Celestia sees that Sunset is a whole lot like her past self which freaks her out so she tries to steer her from her own path by showing her the mirror

And yadda yadda the plot happens but Sunset returns around the same age she should have been since entering the portal in alternate universe time so there it only has been a few years. Sunset has to be then Re-introduce to Human culture and is placed back within her family.

BUT IN SHORT:

Sunset is a Human turned Pony who forgot that she was Human turned back into a Human again. She's Special

[shinyshade8026]

Doll ramble it is!!!

You guys wanted a ramble about how Doll ends up in my AU, so here you go!

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 7.

Have a Doll screenshot and we'll get into it!

As we know, Doll went down to the labs to get the patch for herself and left the main 4 to get attacked by sentinels. In my AU, her and Uzi are cousins, but Uzi is unaware of this/Forgot this, while Doll knows. Her judgment was very clouded at the time, feeling bitter that Uzi was with the disassembly drones who killed their families. Doll doesn’t exactly have beef with Uzi or S (S because it was never with the other three when Yeva and them were killed). She wanted the sentinels to pick off the disassembly drones and leave Uzi, so the two of them could get fixed together, this is why she didn’t take the elevator, she left it for Uzi to take. As she fell down to the labs, she realized way too late that what she did might end up getting her dear cousin killed. When she gets down there, she is very quick to start looking for the patch, looking in all the same places as Uzi. Then we see what happened in episode 7, Doll finds Tessa and confronts her. She wants to kill her, she knows she isn’t who she says she is. Then Tessa disappears after cutting off Doll’s eyepatch and leaving her alone to sneak up on her and attack her. Well, this nearly works. Doll is panicking because she can’t see what's going on, and can only hear. Then, right when Cynessa is about to slaughter her, S comes from the darkness and body blocks Cynessa from Doll, though Doll does get a bit hurt. Doll is very confused as to why S saved her. This interaction happens as follows: Doll: ‘Why did you save me?’ S: “You think I’m gonna leave Uzi’s family here to die?! You’re more crazy than I thought!!” Doll: 'How did you-' S: “Know? I connected the dots. Why else would you be so passively defensive of her? There's also a picture of Yeva and Nori together in your home.” Cynessa: Trying to murder again S: “Fuck okay we don’t have time for this. You either come with me and work with us to save Uzi and the planet, or I leave you here to die. Make a choice.” Extends hand. Doll: Hesitates. 'I’m only doing this for Uzi.' Takes their hand.

They then flee, trying to find where Uzi ended up (S and Uzi got separated). Due to Doll’s injuries, S has to carry her. They get to the church, right after seeing Cynessa enter in the space suit. When they enter, they see Uzi on the ground and Cynessa about to kill her. They get ready to save her but the solver is used to make a pillar collapse on top of them, leaving Doll and S trapped under it. Doll’s hands are trapped under her so she cant use her own solver to get them out, and S doesn’t have the strength to get off as they are on their stomach.

They are left to watch as Cynessa continues her plan to murder Uzi when N gets there and beheads Cynessa. S yells to N to throw the patch over to them and Doll, and he hesitates. He does it still, as well as getting the pillar off of them. S uses the patch on Doll, who thanks them. N goes back to check on Uzi. Insert NUzi fight but this time N has a better advantage. The silly confession thing happens, hugs, yadda yadda. Cynessa gets her head back while the group uses the patch on Uzi. The only thing left? To get Cyn back.

[ohhcinnybuns]

Hi. It's me. I'm back at it again.

Today I'm thinking about a singer! Dazai and 'only there against his will to end his situationship' concertgoer Chuuya au.

For one song, be my Evangeline

Chuuya, a classic rock listener who prefers to stay at home and read books after a long day, receives a text from his situationship, Yuan, who pleads to him to attend an up-and-coming rockabilly concert with her and the rest of the sheep on Saturday night.

Chuuya doesn’t have to. He's not obligated to. Whatever he and Yuan have going on, he’s not putting his all into a half-made relationship. He hasn't shown much interest in her hobbies or likes after their initial flirty phase months ago, and he's starting to think he should run.

Situationships are just so confusing, and he can't tell if he likes her in the same way that she likes him anymore. She's clingy and bossy, thinking she has him under her clutches all the time when Chuuya is on the precipice of jumping ship.

Besides, the music doesn't fit his style. Why go to something that doesn't pique his interest? With a sigh, he mulls it over. This would be the perfect time to know if he and Yuan have anything in common or if their situationship is based on attraction. If it's not his scene, and she's not what he's looking for, he's high-tailing out of there. End of situationship.

Chuuya agrees to meet with Yuan and the rest of the Sheep, and Saturday arrives quickly.

Walking up to the venue, he is immediately pounced on by Yuan, and she gives Chuuya a VIP badge while the rest of the Sheep move to enter the venue.

Chuuya can feel a pit in his stomach because Yuan looks beautiful in her polka dot dress and retro pin-up bobbed hair. Chuuya looks like the most basic man possible with his plain white tee, black jeans, leather jacket, fedora, and Converse. They are on different pages, even in style, and it is clear to him that their relationship won't work immediately. Though for the slightest second, he's scared he will change his mind about her. He can appreciate beauty when he sees it.

That thought flies out the window when she opens her mouth to fangirl and squeal about the artist they'll see tonight, though. She twirls and gushes about the new up-and-coming artist Osamu Dazai and says that Chuuya should be jealous; he is all she can think about. She also mentioned that the VIP badge would let them meet Osamu later and is looking forward to it. She yaps about how sometimes, during the song "Evangeline," the spotlight will find someone from the VIP section, and he'll dedicate the song to them and how she wishes it was her, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Chuuya zones her out the rest of the way to their booth, thinking of how to tell her he's not interested in whatever they are and to go home.

After several smaller artists and bands perform, the curtains rise for Osamu Dazai, who sits in a chair with a microphone, playing with it idly. His black suspenders dangle lazily from his dark denim jeans, and his white tee, tucked in, captures the ripples of his toned, bandaged body beneath. His bandages stop at the base of his neck and biceps, which make them nearly unseeable, but even in his drunken stupor, Chuuya can see through the mouthwatering tight-fitting shirt. Dazai's hair has been slicked back with a loose, wavy strand to frame his face, and his white and black sneakers complete his outfit.

Chuuya is slightly impressed by him because he looks a little pretty. Okay, maybe Dazai is a lot pretty. He'd never hidden his curiosity towards other men from anyone, and he wasn't about to now that there was a handsome, talented man before him, making him raise a brow.

Chuuya has had a couple of drinks and finally relaxed enough to enjoy the show. He'll worry about Yuan later. He’s stuck here, after all. He hasn’t had a moment with Yuan to let her down gently. So, he'll make the most of things.

The crowd cheers wildly, and Osamu takes a moment to talk and settle the crowd. At any sudden movement he makes, his fans roar intensely. Osamu laughs into the microphone, teasing his fans with a simple devilish smirk asking, "Did you miss me, Yokohama? I’ve been out searching for my Evangeline, are they here tonight?”

The crowd immediately goes wild as the music starts through the speakers. A spotlight comes on in an otherwise dark venue, and Chuuya can feel his muscles tense. What was that thing Yuan had mentioned that he zoned out again? Something, something spotlight, something, something song...

The spotlight looms over their booth, and Chuuya can feel himself internally hoping and praying it goes away. It doesn’t.

The bright beam rains down on him, his face shielded by his hat to hide his dumbstruck look. He can hear the gasps and wild screams of the girls around him.

He attempts to trade places with Yuan, but the light follows him, and he growls in annoyance, yelling profanities that are long lost in the sea of screams at the spotlight operator. He thought he heard Yuan scream into the crowd, "Wow, this has never happened before, Chuuya! You're so lucky!"

With a growl and defeated sigh, now that all eyes are on him, Chuuya finally looks back at the stage and locks gazes with Dazai, who is blinking at him stupidly. Wasn’t this part of the moron’s act? Why did he look shocked, too? That only made Chuuya want to start picking fights because the look on Dazai’s face annoyed him.

Suddenly, the simple idea of being serenaded by a man to a man hits them, and they just give each other a “never speak about this again, so get on with it” look even though it's being witnessed and recorded by thousands of fangirls. It’s not like things can get worse, right? Chuuya was too tipsy for this.

As Osamu Dazai begins his song, he motions his head to his bodyguard, Hirotsu, in Chuuya’s direction. He did have an act he followed. Hirotsu nods and makes his way to the booth, where he takes an animated Chuuya (against his will) to the stage. Chuuya hoped Hirotsu was there to toss him out of the venue and save him from embarrassment, but as he expected, it’s always a 'no' to wishful thinking.

Chuuya just about throws a fist at the old man in his drunken stupor but stops when he’s shoved on the stage next to Dazai, who leans down to him during the chorus with a warm smile,

So don't go to sleep, don't rest your head, I'll be the pillow, and I'll be the bed, holding your dreams as you lie to rest, Evangeline.

Chuuya was never one to be speechless, but even he couldn't fight the flutter of his heart at the tenderness behind the words, or the gentle way Osamu picked him up and pulled him close to sway to the ballad, a hand sliding into Chuuya’s hair to guide his head to rest against Osamu's broad shoulders. Dazai sings the rest of the song into Chuuya’s ear, making him flustered and struggle against the hold.

Anybody call a doctor, I'm a thousand degrees in love Oh, and I'm sick of all the guessing, between the two of us.

When he can’t break free, Chuuya groans in defeat and watches the way Osamu smirks down at him, and his legs turn to jelly. Was it the Osamu Dazai effect, or was it the alcohol speaking? He couldn't tell. Not that he was complaining. All the fight in him was gone, so he just listened to the soothing voice from above and held on to Osamu's white shirt so he wouldn't stumble while they swayed, the lyrics echoing back to them from the ocean of fans.

During the final chorus, Osamu finally lets go of Chuuya, bends down to one knee, and places a chaste kiss on his hand. Chuuya blushes and hurriedly uses his hat to cover his flushed cheeks from the crowd. He grumbles a clear "loser, don't do that again" to Dazai, who only laughs and finally lets him go.

Osamu leans into Chuuya's ear and tells him he'll see him later, which only makes Chuuya's heartbeat quicken in his ears. His brain was clearly not keeping up, and it took him a minute to realize that Osamu was playing with his VIP badge. Yeah, he forgot all about that, and yuan, the screaming fans, and everything else that wasn't Osamu Dazai.

As Chuuya is escorted off the stage, he glances back at Osamu, who keeps his eyes on his figure, making Chuuya shudder. There is a moment when Osamu looks down at his hands, thoughts running so quickly that no one can tell, but Chuuya can see it through his tipsy haze.

Osamu gives Chuuya a final innocent smile. He watches as Osamu lifts the microphone to his lips, and with a chuckle, he says, "My Evangeline sure is a handsome one tonight. A true inspiration for this next song..."

Chuuya walks away faster than ever before, realizing the next song is a love ballad, and he settles back in his seat, ignoring the jealous eyes of fans on him. He tips his fedora over his face and sinks into his spot, listening to the Sheep go on about how it was all caught on video and this moment will forever be memorable.

Chuuya groans and ignores them for the rest of the performance. When he goes backstage later, he's 100% going to kick Osamu Dazai's ass for the embarrassment and let him have it (in what way, he's not quite sure yet). Perhaps he'll also ask him for an autograph too because, above being fine, Osamu showed great talent, and Chuuya appreciated that.

In the meantime, though, he'll casually flip Osamu off anytime the singer so much as mentions anything to do with Evangeline and sends him flying glares from his seat every time they make eye contact as payback. Osamu's laugh echoes through the speakers each time, and Chuuya can't help but smirk back at their silly interaction. That'll show Osamu to pick Chuuya as his Evangeline.

Note: Wow, this got out of control really quickly. It was only supposed to be an idea...It's not what I had planned at all, but sure. LOL. Something a little stupid, fluffy, and sweet.

Update: Gave it a title. :)

Extras.

Chuuya does kick Dazai Osamu's ass backstage, but at video games. They drink, hang out, nearly kiss in their drunken haze, and decide this is the time to go HOME.

Chuuya asks for his autograph and a picture, to which Dazai agrees and writes his number on the back of a Polaroid. You know... Just in case.

Chuuya breaks up with his situationship because he's over it and much more interested in the butthead of a singer whose voice will haunt his dreams at night.

Inspirations

Dazai's song

Yuan's hairstyle

Dazai's fit (ish) - this was the closest representation I could find. I have 0 drawing skills, otherwise I would.

The closest representation of their pose when they take a picture backstage later.

[takenbypeter]

Hi I was wondering if you could do more toad from X-Men evolution. Maybe one where the reader is like some kind of chaotic trouble maker who's part of the x-mex, and they constantly flirt with toad both during missions and at school, and totally just completely and utterly confused by it and they fall out n love (sorry if this is a longer request I just had a lot of ideas)

Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork

Toad x reader

Words: 1060

“Great form out there today Toad,” you complimented, nudging the male gently.

“Oh you think so?”

“Of course. Without you that “mission” would’ve ended horrifically, plus the view wasn’t half bad,” you teased, making sure to put air quotes around the word mission.

Toad opened his mouth to say something in return but his thought was interrupted by the professor wheeling up to you before asking to see you in his office.

With a roll of your eyes and shooting one last slightly annoyed smile at Toad that read, ‘now I gotta deal with this,’ you followed the professor into his office.

Once comfortable and settled into one of his two uncomfortable seats. You started the conversation.

“What’s up professor Xavier?” You asked, figuring you’d break the ice yourself.

“I know you’ve only been here for a short amount of time but what happened in there?”

“What do you mean?” You asked. You knew exactly what he meant.

“There were two instances in that training room where you had the opportunity to help your teammates and you didn’t.”

“It’s fine. Other people had it.”

“It’s not fine. It’s important that you look out for one another.”

“Relax, professor. It’s not like it was a real mission.”

“That’s not the point. The point is that you really need to start trying here.”

You frowned as a crease between your eyebrows formed. “I do try. I’m getting good grades in all my required classes.”

The professor leaned back with a sigh, “why are you here?”

Your voice lowered a bit, “because I got in trouble.”

“With the law, correct?”

“Yes that’s correct.” You confirmed through gritted teeth.

“Well since you’re required by the authority to go here. Don’t you think you should at least give it a chance.”

You pushed your lips together trying to keep from letting a scowl appear on your face. That’s all you really remember because after that you sort of blocked out the ending of that conversation. And next thing you know you’re in the mansion library eyes glued to a textbook.

“Ughhh,” you growled eyes rereading the same paragraph over and over again. You honestly were contemplating just running away and never coming back to this place.

“Hey hottie,” came a familiar voice in an over exaggerated low tone. But it had you grinning nonetheless, “right back at ya, hot stuff.”

Toad.

Toad honestly made your stay here a lot better. You didn’t know what it was; maybe because he alleviated the pressure in the mansion, or the fact that he was the first person to talk to you. Granted it was to hit on you, which you easily hit him back—physically that is. But once you realized he literally hits on everyone you took it upon yourself to show him just how he makes others feel but instead it now just became a thing where you two just flirt with each other openly.

“So what’d the professor want with you?”

You shook your head, “he just was on my case about working together, helping others and all that jazz, yadda yadda. But enough about me, what are you up to today?” You asked, changing the topic.

“Forge is giving me a lesson today.”

“Oh with the plane’s tech?”

“Yup.”

You place your elbows on the table, interlocking your fingers as you placed your chin on the mini stand you’ve created with your hands. “Well maybe after that, you can give me a private lesson?”

Toad’s lips curve into a wide grin as he leaned closer to you, “okay, but with you by my side I can’t promise I’ll be focused on the lesson.”

You leaned a tiny bit closer, “well good because neither will I,” you said moving closer now only inches across from him, upper body practically on the table.

It was at that moment that you noticed something click in him. His expression switched from coy to a vague one you couldn’t quite pick out before his body backed off a little and he left you on the table wondering what just happened.

But you don’t wonder for too long.

“Real talk? Hanging out with you like this, has been the most fun I’ve had with another person and I’ve really enjoyed this place ever since you came but when you say things like…” he hesitated but pointed at the way you were still seated, “that, do you say those things because you mean them or just to make fun of me. No, that’s not right? Right? Because the way people look at me while we’re talking makes me feel like they’re in on some big joke but I actually like you—“

Leaning back into your chair with arms crossed, you scoff a little, “no Toad, I like you,” you interrupted.

“See! That right there. It doesn’t sound like you mean it.”

Uncrossing your arms and giving him your full attention, you make sure to look him straight in the eyes, “Toad. I actually like you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh my god yes!”

That seems to satisfy his curiosity, “okay good.”

You return to your first position with your elbows on the table, “About what the professor said—I mean I like you just the way you are…”

“Go on.” You urged.

“But maybe the professor is right.”

Your hands went back to your side as you slouched again, “way to kill the mood.”

“I know, I know. But this place is all about teamwork. It took me a while to understand and sometimes I still mess that part up. But it wasn’t until I started acting and thinking like a team that I started enjoying this place. Maybe that’s what you need.”

You knew he was right. Both him and the professor. God you hated both the fact that they were right and that this place was your only option. “Ugh. Okay, okay. I’ll give this whole thing a chance. But only because you asked me to.”

He opened his arms, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

You grinned while he did the same. “So…you wanna head to that private lesson now?” He asked, raising his eyebrows up and down.

“Don’t you have to meet Forge first?”

“I’ll skip it.”

“What happened to teamwork?”

He stood up and leapt beside you, hand reaching out, “teamworks okay. But let’s be real…sometimes it’s overrated.”

[thebahwrites]

“Quit looking at me like that.”                                                                                                          “Like what?” “Like you’re never going to see me again.”

How do you tell him? There’s not enough words in the world to explain the vicious grip around your throat and the violent claws around your heart every time he steps out of the door. How do you say, I look at you like that because you just might not. You fell in love with an Icarus, not in spite of it but in light of it. Knowing that’s exactly who he was — that one day he just might fly too fast, too high, too close to the sun. Crash and burn into the glorious end he’s been chasing since before you two met and meet his untimely death.

How do you tell him? That you might never see him again and that’s why you look at him like that. Hoping to capture every moment that never was and never will be. Commit to memory details in sculpted marble that will erode under the acid rain of time. Because you’re just and only human and your memories are subject to the capricious malice of simple human design. Weak and malleable, your body and mind will be consumed by tide and time and his memory, with you, will fade.

But he looks at you like you’re the sun. And he is Icarus.  Like he wants to be consumed whole by your presence and your presence alone, burn the feathers of his wings into ash and melt the wax between them so it’ll drip into the ocean below. Plummeting into the unforgiving deep blue of the sea and later that same night, as the sun, you will set.

You’re a song of Ice and Fire. He’ll crash and burn and with him all light and warmth will be taken. You’re a cold hearted sun, your cold will burn through his skin and expose muscle, bones and soul.

When he walks out of the door, towards an unknown destiny, he takes your heart with him. A mission, an assignment, a place that’s lost in a map on the careless hands of a superior officer that doesn’t love him half as much as you do, takes your breath away along.

You’ll breathe again when he returns but until then, you don’t know how to tell him that this might be the last time you see each other.

Or at least until death brings you together once again.

(PROMPT BARREL)

Iceman doesn’t know how to say goodbye. Maverick doesn’t know either. (notes under the cut, have mercy)

Idk man, an Icemav piece that popped up in my head at that prompt and I wanted to exercise the 2nd person writing so... have this? jazz hands I just wanted to get this out of my system, please don’t look at me. Character studies, yadda yadda

[draiochtnamara]

myyyyy favorite lyn writing i’ve ever done, this is fairly old so probably can fix it up but whatever.

the evil entity that lives in ur town in the woods is always calling u yadda yadda yadda and ur connected to it or. whatever

You’ve woken up here before, though it’s been awhile. It’s different than you remember, but familiar. Less unkempt, more overgrown than the last time. You’re not scared of this place anymore, in fact, you think you might be excited to be here.

Maybe it’s growing older, because when you were younger this place felt less inviting even though, technically, it was scarier now. You push your way through the trees and the branches and the overgrown grass, until you arrive at the clearing.

When you were a girl, and you dreamt of here, you would sit and cry and cry and cry once you got there. You would never make it any further, you could never find your way out, and there would never be anyone there for you. No one would find you. Just left there until you drowned in your own sadness.

But this time…

“Daddy..?”

You almost don’t want to take another step forward, you remember how in dreams people never look the same, you try to get a clear look at their face and it’s. Not right. It’s blurry. It’s. Off. You don’t want that.

But your body is steps ahead of your brain, and you run towards him and hold on so tight.

“I’ve been waiting, I had a feeling you would wake up soon.”

You pull away, and you look up. Your father’s face, clear as day. Him. Not a dream, not an apparition, not a trick. Real. In front of you. “Have you been here all this time?”

He shakes his head, “it’s the first time I’ve been here, but I know it’s not your first time here.”

You try to remember the last time you were here. Really here. Not dreamt about it, but really, truly here. Maybe right after he died? But you didn’t go any further, didn’t make it to the clearing, you hadn’t noticed the changes. You just weren’t ready to wake up yet. But before then?

“When we first moved to Easthallow,” you said, remembering the last time you truly remembered being here.

And then out of the corner of your eye you notice it, something you never noticed before. On the other side of the clearing, an opening. It was calling you, and you couldn’t resist. You slowly start stepping towards it, but you can’t move any further.

Your father’s hand holds on tightly to yours, like when you were a child in the grocery store trying to run away to go grab candy. Like you were in trouble. Being told to stay put.

“That’s a rabbit hole you shouldn’t go down, Alice.”

You try not to falter at this, because you know your purpose is down that rabbit hole. Sentiment will get you nowhere. You know at this moment that this is definitely more than a dream, this is your father speaking to you. You’re defiant, and just like every other time he called you Alice, it makes you want to be more so.

You tug your hand, but he won’t let go. He won’t break.

You start to cry, “please, I have to go. I have to. Something is waiting for me over there. I can feel it. It needs my help.”

And you fall down to your knees, unable to go any further than you’ve ever been able to here. You want to go to what’s calling you, you want to be alone here so that you can.

But just like every other time you wake up here, you’ll just cry and cry until your own sadness drowns you again.

[crippleprophet]

(feel free to not respond to this, hell feel free to be like “please don’t do this again”)

so i’ve had join problems for like 3 1/2 years now and they just got diagnosed like 2 week’s ago, turns out i have runners knee

so i feel bad because 1. it feels lit not as big of a deal as i feel like it is (it is a big deal, it’s impacted my life (thank you therapy))

2. i’m worried that pt and more exercise won’t make it better (i’m on my schools swim team, so 4 practices a week during the season, plus a swim meet on friday)

and 3. i feel like (at least for now) i need more support. my pt doesn’t start until february and i can’t remember the last day i haven’t been in pain or had sensations that are probably due to nerve wackiness. i have used a cane in the past and it has helped me immensely. but i feel bad for wanting something that works for both legs. i’ve literally have had 2 dreams about me having forearm crutches.

i’m just really exhausted, sorry for dumping this all on you rn, i feel like even though i was listened to i still was just told to exercise and loose weight

hey, it’s absolutely no problem & i’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this 💕💕

i’m gonna throw like a billion disclaimers on this that, in addition to my usual line about just being Some Guy on the internet, i am definitely responding from a place of trauma here - i don’t know your body & you are the authority on your experiences, i’m just tossing some stuff out there based on my experiences, which might be totally different in other (or underlying physical processes yadda yadda) ways. also like big tw for medical neglect

so. i ran cross country in high school and my joint pain originated in my left knee at age 16, no specific injury or incident, RICE etc barely did anything. xrays and mri showed nothing. tried cortisone shot, euflexxa injections, some sort of topical steroid that was originally used on racehorses, nothing. because i was a runner no one ever considered it could be anything but an orthopedic issue.

i had two exploratory arthroscopic surgeries (which i’ve since learned are as effective as a placebo) with extensive debridement - first dx, plica syndrome, “we have no idea why this was this bad,” cleared to run again after post-op PT, pain came back even worse after ~7 months.

second dx, grade II chondromalacia patellae aka runner’s knee. told never to run again. i knew in post-op PT that something was wrong, this wasn’t the same pain as recovery previously, it felt like the underlying issue was still there. this wasn’t pain of healing, it was making something else worse. my physical therapist didn’t believe me, just kept pushing me, literally told me once that there was no way i was in that much pain. the pattern of swelling, location & sensation of pain, nerve symptoms, etc never made sense to anyone, no matter how many people they called over to poke & prod.

i don’t think i’ll ever know why, especially when he then didn’t fucking do anything with this information, but one day he had me try a lumbar extension stretch. you know the scene in the little mermaid where she’s propping her upper body up with her arms on the rock, waves crashing behind her, triumphant music? it’s basically that pose. it was both the single most excruciating and relieving thing i’ve ever done; even my chronic migraine of 2 years lessened. but we proceeded on a normative linear recovery arc, i got cleared from PT, the pain was better but still there.

flash forward four more years of intensifying pain - first my other knee, then the bottoms of my feet, then more constant and prominent in my lower back, then my upper back & worsening of the neck pain i’d been told and believed was from looking down at books/phone, what i now know as neuropathy increasing all the while - using a cane, then forearm crutches, then a forearm rollator, then a mobility scooter, spending more & more time unable to leave the bed - and i stumbled across an article about ankylosing spondylitis that matched my history fucking eerily, right down to the car crash as a younger teenager. it turns out AS commonly first presents with knee pain, not back pain, in juveniles.

so here’s what i’m gonna tell you: even if it’s “only” chondromalacia, your pain is real and serious and you should listen to your body. and, with again the mega disclaimer that you might be experiencing something totally different, i gently suggest:

read my posts about AS. read my google doc about AS. read anybody’s posts and articles about anything that originates with knee pain, especially if it involves neuropathy.

keep tabs on your body and don’t believe anyone who tells you something is normal until you’ve investigated it for yourself. does your neck hurt? how much? how often? what about your upper spine, between your shoulders? your lower back?

try a lumbar extension stretch, just in case.

if you haven’t been to a rheumatologist before and it’s at all possible for you to do so, do it. if you have a GP and can get a blood workup from them instead, do that. more info on blood testing here - but keep in mind that negative blood work doesn’t rule anything out.

if you can get forearm crutches, one hundred thousand percent do it. make sure they’re sized properly - more info on that here.

do whatever you possibly can to shore up your trust in yourself and your experiences. surround yourself with as many people as possible, in person or online, who believe your pain and make you feel solid in your knowledge of yourself. i’m a big fan of putting up signs with reminders if you can. whether you have chondromalacia, something else, or a combination, your pain is real, it is disabling, and it is in your best interest to develop strategies to cope with the systemic gaslighting that is existing within an ableist society & medical system.

if there is literally anything at all i can do to encourage you, answer questions, etc, please feel free to dm me or send another ask any time. my whole fucking heart goes out to you - you are not the only one who’s been through this, and that is both the horror & deepest relief of chronic pain. so much love to you, may you receive everything you need.

[alinktoana]

thoughts on playable faves getting older, the people who make them and the people who play them

because comfy tracksuit slider dad kiryu is peak character design

spoilers for ps2 Y1/K1, Y5, assumptions about Y6 + Y7 + Y8 + Yakuza Gaiden

why is RGG so afraid of Kiryu getting older? I havent played Y6 yet but I have a feeling RGG is ok with Kiryu being middle aged. They did show some uncomfortable feelings about him being single in his 40s on Y5, but him behaving as a more mature individual is there, same as the rest of the cast (yes, even Majima, lmao).

And i wouldnt go into this tangent if they hadnt dropped that Y8 footage

(correct me if im wrong, lmao) but it’s not often that people get to play franchises that span through decades of people’s lives, like (you guessed it) Yakuza. I love that. I had been avoiding the newest RGG trailers, and I still havent fully watched The Summit™️, but I watch highlights a couple weeks ago, and it took me some more time to work on this puzzle. Most Japanese people (and other ethinicities, as far as i know) look youthful well into their 50s, when compared to white people (I’m Brazilian, so I see the ethnic mix and match everyday (on my own body lol) and how that affects people’s looks). Of course there’s levels of overall self-care, sun exposure, yadda yadda. I’m fairly certain Kiryu doesnt have a skin care routine other than washing his face everyday lmao but he takes care of himself, he exercises constantly (lol), so that helps. His face is fine, awesome beautiful skin (even though i much prefer the Y5 style, compared to dragon engine botching everyone*, but he looks great). If everything is fine and dandy. Why is that a thing?

Not only are they still bringing him for 8, and we dont fully know what that will be like, but 7 was already a cameo, so giving him more screentime on 8 doesnt make sense at all but go off, i guess. We will never fully understand why RGG has been saying goodbye to Kiryu for 6 games already and not fully letting him go. I say 6 games bc I’m considering the last 6 mainline games (6, 0, K1, K2, I’d say Y7, and apparently 8?). Gaiden and Ishin are fine, and I’m so happy about those decisions. I honestly think it’s a much better decision to keep them in spin offs if they still want bank on his brand, and give space to new characters and adventures in the mainline games (and judgement!). But then I look at that grey haired mess and im so puzzled.

And we’ve joked about him looking like a boyband member, whatever that is. *We still dont know if that’s a disguise or a midlife crisis. And if it is a midlife crisis, and they actually take that angle of him struggling with age, i’d give them all the kudos. That would actually be a bold, beautiful move.

Is milking Kiryu just a marketing tactic, or is it something deeper within RGG? Again, correct me if I’m wrong, I’ve speculated about this before, about them being uncomfortable with their character’s age. But are they also uncomfortable with handing the story over to new characters? Do they feel trapped with Kiryu being the (middle aged, totally not elder) face of the franchise?* Or maybe theyre afraid the franchise is not gonna be relevant anymore because it isnt full of lolis and shotas? When that’s never been their goal in the first place? Yakuza has always been about having fun well into your 40s, because life isnt over once you turn 30. And japanese people fully know that. The west is very anxious about the teenage dream, the live fast die young mentality. Majima has that underlying feeling, he has talked about it here and there. And I would love if they went in on that. It’s not like Y7 wasnt successful, it was the introduction to so many people to the franchise. We know it made bank. We know people love Ichiban + the new crew. We know RGG is moving on. The bat has exchanged hands already. So Kiryu being on Y8, looking like that, on promotional material? It’s such a step back…

As of 2022, Kiryu is 54 years old. Majima is 58. There’s only so much flashbacking RGG can do so they can hide their anxiety about their mascot almost being an elder. Are they afraid of growing old themselves? NPCs have been calling Kiryu an old men since yakuza 1, and that did bother me bc *I was just playing as this baby on Y0, how dare you call him old? he’s 30 D: And I’m almost 30, so I understand my own qualms, so I can only imagine what goes on on the majority of the 50 yo department heads on RGG. And for gods sake, we know they can model awesome older characters.

The most beautiful model Kashiwagi has ever had is his Y7 one* (Sources are kinda confusing because apparently he was born in 1948? So he’d be 71 in 2019? I mean, good for him if true!! lol) (also yes, this is the asterisc. As far as I’ve looked, Kashiwagi is by far the character who’s aged the most beautifully. I cant do anything but clap lmao) Kazama is also very handsome, and he was born in 1945, so he is 60 in Y1/K1. A more apt comparison would be Sera, who was in his 30s in Y0 and 49 on Y1. He has some streaks, you know. And then there’s Kiryu, botoxed to the gods at 51 on Y8.

We know they can do this. Majima talks about being an old man in Y5, and he was 40 then. If you wanna tell me Majima dyes his hair black because he doesnt wanna see his reflection greying, I’m 100% ok with that. But it’s about time. We’ve been playing those characters for almost 20 years, we have seen almost 40 years of their lives. These are conversations we* could be having at this point, even if it’s substories. But not all hope is lost though!

I dont know if it’s the lighting, but his model on Gaiden does have some some grayish bits. And that’s 2018 (before Y8 even but we can let that slide bc technology, lol they can retroactively grey him). And given that Gaiden seems to be a lot more personal and small, maybe we could have that age talk then. I can only hope. TLDR: RGG. Buddy (lol). We are still gonna love Kiryu even if he’s no longer young (he is still beautiful). Please recognize the fact that we are all aging up, our bodies and our skin. And so are the characters we play with. Kiryu isnt gonna stop being a good avatar because he’s older. And also, let go. Ichiban is the new avatar. And people love him. Move on. We all have. If you (as people who make the company) are uncomfortable about getting older, use that opportunity to talk about that aging anxiety. We (the fans) will need that when we get to that point (whether we’re pushing 20, 30, 40, 70, 80). Because that white haired monstrosity needs to mean something, you couldve gone without it. Pls. Dont let that be a hair disaster like Y4 Saejima. You had the ps3 excuse then, you dont have that now, you know how to do hair lmao. Pls lmao

TLDR2: All I’m saying is. That white hair on the Y8 raises way too many unnecessary questions but then again Gaiden looks fine? I’m lost&confused pls help lol PS: I've rewatched Our Flag Means Death 4 times now (lol) and gray hair as a topic was never something I really thought about in entertainment, but when we think about ageless character on animation/games, I dont know, it seems like a relevant topic. Because, again, we've known Kiryu + Majima + the gang for almost 20 years. We've seen 4 decades of their lives. This is a longer timespan than... I dont know, british soap operas that go on for ages lol.

edit: Anyway yeah lol thanks for reading this long ramble! let me know what you think bc yeah, loads to think about

[thehiddengodsofficial]

Intermission UNDYING: Eymatotalis

Eymatotalys is the being of Immortality itself. He lives in an empty dimension of blood, soaking and floating within it until stirred awake by outside force. Upon awakening he would emerge from the ground (mainly to prevent flooding) and he would carry out whatever duty he was woken for. It used to be wishes of Immortality, Cult Worship, or general summons to pay respects yadda yadda. Now it's only when a disturbance occurs that he wakes, collecting immortal souls, correcting deathly botched self immortalizing rituals or running ten cults every week. Eventually he was found and questioned by the Matron Of Death, Marrow, and the Dragon God Of Death, Lych respectively.

“Why do the humans call you ‘Totalis’ if that is not your true name?” Marrow asked,

“It better suits their language to allow no disrespect.” Totalis answered respectfully.

“Then I suppose they call you Immortality then?” Marrow inquires again, not seeming to care about Totalis’ power as it doesn't seem to impede his work.

“Quite the straight-forward name but indeed they do.” Totalis nods, turning his attention to Lych, who seemed a little more peeved with Totalis' work than his partner.

“So then, Totalis, why is it that you still roam to collect the souls of the dead?” Lych enquired.

“They are immortal souls. Never copied. Never destroyed. Their penance is finding bodies to fill my dimension with blood. Forever.” Totalis bluntly responded, his tone growing colder as he continued.

“So you offer only lies then?” Lych tilted his head, awaiting an excuse, yet much to his shock his answer was… surprisingly moral.

“They didn't ask for True Immortality, therefore I never gave it to them. Even if one did ask for it, that's one curse I wouldn't even bestow to my worst nightmare…” Totalis explained, his head low in despair and fear.

“What makes True Immortality so jarring to you? You are a being of all Immortality itself, aren't you?” Lych asked, now intrigued as Totalis shakes his head to continue,

“The Immortality that mortal souls are familiar with only stops disease, rot, and aging. But True Immortality removes… Everything… Age, rot, disease, magic corruption, physical damage, even mental pain is removed and the mind is reinforced… But you wouldn't know what amount of suffering one goes through to feel exactly the same each and every day, never aging, being invincible and then watching everything and everyone you love and care about get sick, old, killed. To have to watch societies start and fall without anything able to be done about it… And in the end, it's everlasting insanity, confusion, and want. You want Mortality back but it's impossible to grasp, you know you should cry but you've become physically incapable, and you crave even a semblance of death yet it extends far beyond the reaches set by your wishes. Everything needs it's end. I will only delay the inevitable. It's all I can do… And it's all I wish to do.” And with that, Totalis would crawl back into his dimension, slumbering away pondered dreams…

[titoist]

sometimes i am scared that, even if i were to resolve all of my emotional problems, my sense of bodily incongruity would again surface with its physicality & objectivity that are far less fixable. & with its way of feeling like a thorough invalidation of my existence

& it would remind me that i am not even living my actual life, that all the labor i expended into sorting out all my emotions, hoping it could make me happy, had not even really gone towards me but to the offshoot of a person whose eyes i am stuck looking through. & that i still cannot begin living my actual life, i can only proceed into an emotionally sorted-out version of this alternate one

everything feels very very hopeless sometimes, like i am expected to climb a mountain just so that at the summit i can be granted the privilege of trying to climb a slippery mile high flagpole. like i am incrementing some great number in anticipation of multiplying it by zero

the incongruity feels adjacent to if someone close to you were to just wither away & die, & there was nothing that anyone could have done for them, & despite the insanity of that tragedy & loss everything remains exactly the same in its air of aimless commonplace-ness, & you're just obliged to continue living at the same rate of one day per day because there is nothing else to do, & this itself is insane

i don't know that it would be reasonable to liken the mundane condition of existing in a sexed body, like any other human being on the planet, to the gravity of death. but sometimes i do feel an adjacency with specifically that sense of having to just constantly exist in the wake of something that is never going to change & that i do not want & that i can scarcely come to terms with & that no one could ever do anything for beyond extend sympathy

like the sense that this shouldn't be happening is is like an immovable object versus an unstoppable force in my head, i cannot rationalize it but it just keeps mundanely proving itself day after day, i just keep existing & the issue just keeps proving itself as not distinct in any way from the same silent continuum of reality that plays host to it along with everything else. it's a dismal truth that can only grow more stale with the passage of time, but never relent, no matter how stale it gets

i just do not want this!

here there is also no equivalent to an event of death to hinge things on, it's just the passive, silent truth of my physical makeup, which kind of just hangs & permeates

trying to be close with someone in summer of 2022 & the elevation of the issue to its actual tangible demonstration just led to me crying my eyes out disheveled on porch steps

with the bodily incongruity, it's like, it doesn't feel like i… distance myself from the overall system of dimorphism when i feel & express that discontent. it's within the system of meaning that one constructs from being dimorphic (& bipedal & social & sapient & yadda yadda) that i arrive at the sense of this being not how it should be for me

what i mean is that i think it's not like i am someone who, regardless of how they were born, would lament being "trapped in some sack of flesh when really i should be an immaterial mind flying through space"

i think there is a tragedy to minds having to be tethered to bodies, sure… but i don't hold onto those idealisms, i don't tend to demonize my physicality in contrast, i just inhabit my condition of being physical, i accept my humanity, i want to be what i am & measure the joy to be found in doing so

so that is what i mean by the first paragraph, i do not feel like i am arriving above the system of dimorphism by transgressing it with an assertion that it was wrong, that i should be this or that & that i proclaim this against it. rather it is within that system of meaning constructed from being dimorphic that i develop the conviction of being at the wrong position in the system. the system is just indifferent to that & i have no room to argue with it because it's too late. i feel like an animal born to negate itself

[haemopoietic]

>be me

i was so close to falling for the new hookup. they were one of the few other openly queer people at the factory, we knew each other for a little while before we tried things out. i was taking it slow because i’ve had shitty experiences playing with couples and codependency issues of my own to work on, yadda yadda, and i wanted to know for sure how their partner felt about us having sex.

all 3 of us talked and said our piece. i didn’t want anything serious since i was leaving the state in like a month, their partner said he was cool with whatever we wanted to do even though he and i didn’t want to have sex with each other, they… just seemed to want the conversation to be over. ok, whatever, i’m not getting attached, i’m moving anyway.

weird vibe aside, we eventually get intimate, time passes, by this point i’m packing (double entendre implied). turns out i finally found someone who didn’t expect me to bottom and even seemed to be into rougher stuff. we have vials of each other’s blood, they let me cut them. i want them, even their body, so much i could just watch them get off on my hands all night and i’d still take that over having them make me cum…

so i’m getting attached. we finally started having really good conversations regularly. i’m getting even more attached. last night they tell me that they and their partner are taking a break, but that things are still getting worse between them. with the way all of this played out, as i was piecing the timeline together from what they were telling me, the tension in their relationship definitely seemed to be coming to a head around when i entered the picture. hmm, funny

it turns out their partner is a fucking pissbaby who won’t be direct about not being ok with us hooking up so he comes home and slams shit around in the other room. it’s not like i haven’t talked with him. i wanted things to be comfortable for him too, but he “didn’t want to know i was there” according to the hookup. days before this he apologized for “triggering” me and now he’s doing the same shit that made me feel unsafe in the first place.

last night they were trying to reassure me that it’s nothing serious, like me hanging around is just going to be a completely neutral addition to the, in my eyes, clearly impending fight. i don’t think it matters whether all of this is in my head or not, it wouldn’t be a healthy situation for anyone either way.

if i’m the caveat for something that was a long time coming, i’ve done my fucking part and i get to go home now. i asked them again and again whether they felt safe with him and apparently they feel safe enough to wait until the lease is up. i get it. there’s not much you can do when you’re both paying rent.

i asked them if they had a plan and they said they want to move out into the bigger city where their friend is. i hope they do. all they had to say when i asked how they felt about the situation with all 3 of us currently, what it was i should do, is “it is what it is”. when they reassured me that their partner was probably more angry at them i felt so fucking frozen. i was so angry and so scared.

fuck this, i’m dipping. it was my last week in town anyway and they knew it. i’m so glad i said i’d be too busy to have them visit. i’m so sick of never getting the whole story until i stir some shit up. i didn’t care when it was casual sex, but fuck being the other man, or the sexually threatening dyke, or whatever. in my experience, jealousy has serious consequences. sometimes the grapes are sour, actually.

we got high every single time we hung out and it got so fucking old. i always binged when i hung out with them and i probably gained back the weight i lost most recently. i want to say it was worth it. i think it was worth it only since i caught how fucked up things were going to get before i got too distracted by my dick to focus on the upcoming semester.

this was definitely a memorable summer. i hope their partner doesn’t kill them.