#my blog itself has been like a mess tm

[teecupangel]

From @thedragonqueen1998

XD Historians would panic over the video, it contains so many truths and the accent the man in the video used is accurate, but how the fuck does he know it!? Who is Leonardos friend?! Why isn't he mentioned anywhere? The historians and the internet is figurative on fire.

From @blue-cat-ter-flies-blog

@thedragonqueen1998 Desmond becomes The Origin of sooooooo many internet meltdowns, implosions, explosions, boil-overs, wars and just general Internet Apocalypse(TM). Several, in fact.

From @thedragonqueen1998

Pretty much on brand for Desmond. XD

Okay, but just imagine how this would play out. Desmond (technically Ezio) starts talking about locations, events and specific details that cannot be ignored. Sure, many would think it’s just some kind of act to get more clout but then…

One of them starts digging around because they were planning on releasing a debunk video but instead…

They found evidence. Because no matter how hard the Brotherhood and the Templars try to suppress the truth, there will always be something they’d miss.

And humans are tenacious little buggers, especially when it concerns something they are passionate about.

And a historian would rather die than let go of this mysterious thin line of secrecy and truth.

Also, the more the Templars and the Brotherhood tried to bury it, the more evident the parts missing becomes.

This will blow up the moment the historian finds more evidence that proves Desmond’s ‘rants’. And what helps the historian find it?

Desmond’s video itself.

From @atomicsharkchild

I think this would also change the timeline as well which is neat. Abstergo made games about the assassins (and a few templars) and canonically changed events (specifically thinking of liberations here) to make the assassins look bad in what was released. But if this video was released before they started on that project, it would make it very hard for them to manipulate the narrative in that manner towards their favor.

With the way this setting is going… we can’t even sure if they would be able to release any games lol.

At this point, they’d be digging their own grave if they try to change the plot XD

From @zero-saito

He become a meme god from everyone loosing their minds over his video and the demand for more videos but also trying to figure out who the hell he is!! 😂

“No.”

He always hated talking to William Miles. It wasn’t because William Miles was like a typical ‘back in my days!’ kind of old man.

It was because he was so stubborn he actually felt bad for anyone who try to torture the old man to give up information.

His personality would be a torture for any torturers out there.

Was he using the word torture too much?

Yeah, probably.

After the big fuck up from Rebecca Crane (because Desmond Miles’ been a civi for the past nine years and he was definitely not tech savvy so he was absolutely blaming Rebecca Crane and the other two babysitters who should have known better), he had been pushed into acting as team leader to clean this mess up.

Not because of seniority.

Not even because he has a lot of ‘close friends’ with Erudito and the rest of the hacker community.

No.

Because Rebecca Freaking Crane called him first.

He was running out of spite and countless energy drinks.

His brain was going on overdrive and he knew if he didn’t get off the phone in the next 5 minutes, he was going to crash.

Talking with William Miles always tired out his mental state and he still needed to keep directing others to make damage control.

It was not helping that many respectable historians and other experts (linguists? FUCKING LINGUISTS? FUCK YOU BLEEDING EFFECT) were getting in the action.

His smear campaign using bots to make sure the top comments are all “wow, is he practicing Italian?” and “lol, totally inaccurate but funny ig” were starting to be buried thanks to long-ass comments explaining how this might be real.

Curse you organic likes and comments!

“Look, Bill.” He rubbed his face, craving fried chicken all of a sudden.

Dear god, when was the last time he ate something other than chips and chocolates?

He’ll get takeout and charge it on one of Rebecca Crane’s personal accounts.

After this call.

Or, actually, he’ll just order it online using one of his other phones.

Multitasking ftw.

“We can’t just delete the video.” He repeated, trying his best not to grit his teeth, “That would make people more curious about it. What we need to do is control the narrative.”

“You want Desmond to record more of these.” Bill growled.

“But lie this time around!” He argued, “This way, we can make this ‘oh shit is he for real?’ narrative into a ‘oh it was just a gimmick’ narrative!”

“The best way to-” He stopped just as he was about to order an entire bucket while talking to a goddamn stubborn brick wall, “Fuck.”

He clicked his mouse a few times but the notification remained.

The video had been deleted.

“Bill, did you order Crane to delete the video?!”

“No. Did someone delete it?” Bill’s tone held a dangerous edge to it.

“Yes, some idiot-”

A message popped out from the phone he used to contact a few hackers.

[omg did u c erudito’s post? abstergos fucked up lollol]

“Nonononono” He quickly went to one of Erudito’s public pages and cursed, “Oh, you fucking idiots!”

He covered his face as the front page of Erudito’s website showed evidence that the deletion of Desmond’s video (and entire account apparently) came from an IP from Abstergo’s Rome facility.

Not only that, Erudito went as far as post the moment it was deleted because they fucking hacked the security cam.

“Bill…”

“Yes?”

“I quit.”

“No.”

He groaned and hit his head on the table.

Desmond being bored and deciding to make a retelling of his ancestors for shaun or historians of the assassin's. Except he 'accidentally' makes it public and it goes viral, given that sometimes its Desmond and other times its his ancestors from the bleeding effect

The Assassins desperately needed a win.

After the Great Purge, the Assassins were left imprison in a sinking ship.

William Miles and Gavin Banks tried their best to protect and hide what was left but it was a losing battle.

It made people desperate.

Desperate enough to place their fate in Desmond Miles.

Desmond Miles, the runaway son of William Miles.

Desmond Miles, the descendant to Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad and Ezio Auditore.

The golden boy of the Assassins.

He didn’t really care much about him.

Rebecca Crane was his tech support so he never even met the great Desmond Miles.

He was stuck here, in the basement of a loud club in Berlin, doing his job as one of the contact persons of Erudito.

Most of the time, he just helped Erudito fuck Abstergo’s shit up.

Or try to anyway.

Abstergo does have one of the most impressive security system money can buy.

They were slowly chipping on it though.

Most of Erudito were still trying to throw rocks at the digital bullet proof system Abstergo has while he and the best of Erudito hack into another company who uses the same system to find its weaknesses that they can use against Abstergo.

They were so close to a break through.

And he may have drunk 6 or 7 energy drinks for the last 62 hours so he actually thought he was hallucinating for a moment when he clicked the link one of the Erudito hackers he was working with had spent with the message “dude, isn’t he one of yours? O.o”.

It was a youtube video.

Of Desmond Miles…

In that motherfucking (should certainly be) secret hideout in Italy.

With that motherfucking statue of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad behind him, completely clear on view.

“So you wanted to know what Ezio was doing while he was looking for Cesare Borgia, right, Shaun? You went out and I know I’ll be back in the Animus by the time you get here so I’m recording this so you can watch it while I’m stuck in the Animus.”

“So… Cesare left Roma after he failed to kill Ezio and got sent to Castel Sant’Angelo.”

He blinked.

Was…

Was Desmond Miles giving a history lesson???

Oh, fuck, he was.

And he just namedropped Machiavelli and Leonardo as Ezio’s companions who were also looking for where Cesare was transferred after he escaped and got captured again in Firenze.

And…

He had started to speak in Italian.

Not only that…

His entire demeanor, even the way he sat had changed.

He had only heard about it.

The Bleeding Effect.

Desmond Miles was bleeding as Ezio Auditore in a fucking video in the internet.

His second phone began to rang and he prayed to every holy and demonic being that it wasn’t William Miles.

No matter what William Miles say, he cannot just scrub that video from the internet.

It was obvious (6 millions views! What the fuck!!!) that someone out there had already downloaded this video and taking it down would just spark more controversy.

He looked at the number and knew exactly who was calling him.

He accepted the call and said immediately, “What the fuck, Crane. Why did Miles upload a video to fucking Youtube?!”

Rebecca groaned and he could hear Lucy Stillman and Shaun Hastings shouting in the background, most probably ripping Desmond Miles a new one.

“The phone he used to record it automatically uploads to Youtube.”

He blinked.

“That is bullshit.”

“It’s true! It’s one of Lucy’s burner phones and she didn’t even change the settings at all! It defaulted to that kind of setting!”

“No phone has an automatic upload to Youtube and you know it.”

“I know but this one does! It’s so weird! It’s like… something weird is going on here!”

“I’d believe it more if you said Miles wanted to publish it as unlisted but fucked up.”

Rebecca groaned once more.

A phone that automatically uploads to Youtube.

That was such bullshit.

.

.

(Rebecca is telling the truth. The phone is a weird one and Lucy can’t even remember where she got it. Almost like… it was always there. Dun dun dun)

[indomies]

soooooooo i think id like to clear the air

[thrill-seeker-vn]

Hannie my beloved, please let me marry you (in a space station) and bicker (affectionately) with you for the rest of our lives💕

I found your blog ages ago but only realised today that I wasn’t following you??? The tomfoolery smh. That has since been rectified because I love love love your wip, and your characters, and your energy lol!

On another note, I was thinking about my MC and Hannie being rivals at school (all started cause MC is dog person and Hannie is a cat person…need I say more) but they did become friends so they still have a rivalry when they meet again but a very playful/affectionate one (not competitive over anything serious, just silly little things). And when they get into a relationship, whenever my MC thinks she’s losing, she just kisses Hannie (which considering their height and my MC’s height, is an Olympic worthy event in itself). Then I had the thought of how it actually first happened in the deep crushing stage, they were teasing/flirting with each other, trying to fluster the other first and my MC was (once again) losing badly, so in her flustered state, she just kissed Hannie and then tried to act smug like it was all part of the plan(tm) as Hannie processed but the inside of her head is that scene from spongebob where all the little spongebob’s are running around screaming and everything is on fire.

Wow sorry for the long-winded message but the main reason I’m leaving an ask is because I had a thought, since Hannie is very perceptive, would they be able to tell that MC has feelings for them?

First of all, you're absolutely the sweetest, thank you so much!! It feels so nice to get affirmation, and it was absolutely what I needed to see after coming home from class today :-) I hope you're having a wonderful day!

And also, that headcanon?? THATS SO CUTE!!! I never thought of that, even though I've thought bout many possible teasing rivalry and short MC stuff iufiuhiuhfdsiuhfsd

One thing I can't wait to show you in chapter two is your first interaction with Hannie. You can have the option to despise them, admire them (but are not friends), not be friends but realize that your rivalry is petty, have made a small friendship with them, or already have had a crush on them, etc. Many routes will open up depending on what you choose.

As for the question: if it's liking, Hannie will pick up on it. If you had a crush on them in the past, they definitely knew, because many have and they can pick up clues quickly. If you loved them, they probably would only think you had a crush on them, though. They won't comment on it, however, because of the nature of your relationship (rivalry). They don't want to force something on you, make you feel uncomfortable, and lose the friendship they've built up. They are also demiromantic, so they don't want to mae you think that they're just jumping into a relationship and then leaving like they have in the past. You matter to them and they really don't want to mess it up, since it's really the first time they've fell in love.

I hope this answered your question, and I'm so happy to have you here!! Hope you have a great day!!

[queenharumiura]

|･ω･｀) rentarc

Send me |･ω･｀) + a URL and I’ll talk about this blog! ||Accepting||

Let’s see...where to start? To begin with, I still need to stop being so lazy and actually watch the anime that Rentaro is from. He seems like a GOOD BOITM and i’m all about that. From the threads we’ve had between our muses, Rentaro and Haru get along well, and i’m absolutely grateful for that. 

From what I can recall, we’ve talked through ims before, and a good amount by tags lol.  Chiessu has occasionally interacted with me by asks memes and the like, and it always makes me happy to see since it’s like, “oh- I... I exist in this realm.” 

Since there is no real theme to this meme, I am allowed to talk about whatever I want, huhu. so i’ll take this time to mention a specific time period. So, I go through sporadic moments of being pretty active and being relatively inactive. I do not actively put myself out there to interact with people due to various reasons that I won’t go into here. 

Anyways, for a while, my activity was kind of stagnant, and I was okay with that. I kinda just go with the flow of things and I don’t mind things being slow on my blog. Still, around the time when I started making a come back, i’m sure that’s when Chiessu came around. We still hadn’t been interacting for long yet when Vday came around. 

I remember this specifically, because I always have a Vday event I do annually. Older followers would know what i’m talking about as this event will span all my blogs and it bleeds into White day as well. So, I was surprised to see a like from Rentaro on the post. Not long afterwards, I got ideas of what to do based off the thread we had going on-- learning that they both are into cooking. 

So I had my directive there. I may not have mentioned it then, but I was happy to know that even if we hadn’t interacted for long at the time, Chiessu still liked the post. It does my ‘I love chocolate day’ heart good. A lot of the usual takers were not on tumblr at the time (and this was before a lot of the KHR blogs made a come back) so Haru didn’t get many takers this year. 

So it really meant a lot for me to see a like from a new blog who hadn’t participated in the past. I believe it was Vday itself that I reblogged a meme and I was sent a meme to make a playlist for the Haru and Rentaro. (It was a Vday meme for anyone else who is reading this)

Again, quite surprised, and it took a while for me to do it because I love to play around and customize things. I had a lot of fun with it and I hope Chiessu enjoyed it. Idk, it really meant a lot to me to be sent a meme at that time. I do think that Haru and Rentaro work well as friends. I really am not sure about anything further than that since I still don’t know Rentaro that well as a muse. 

Regardless, it meant a lot to be sent something from a vday meme specifically because it’s something that I reblogged only bc it was Vday that day. I truly did not expect to get anything. It was very touching, for me, to see the [1] over the inbox. 

Haru and I have very bad--- history, to put it bluntly when it comes to shipping. More like, back then people only cared for shipping, so Haru had a really hard time getting any interactions back then. So I have a lot of hurt when it comes to even suggesting ships or reblogging vaguely shippy memes. 

That’s why you hardly ever see me reblog any because of that past. So the fact that I was sent one, even if it was just for kicks, it truly meant so much to me, and I to be honest, still think about it to this day. I’m sure I didn’t say anything about it because I don’t take the initiative to talk about my feelings first, but it’s something that left an impression on me. 

In other words: I truly adore the Rentarc blog and I love the one who runs the blog too. 

Additionally, pretty sure there was another blog specifically crafted for the Isola rp group? I think I was maybe following both or something? IDK, but I think I saw them both on my dash once and it really messed me up for a while since I just couldn’t understand how the blog kept looking different when I clicked. 

It took me a lot of squinting to realize ohh--- it’s a different blog. OH. Oh, i’m dumb. Felt like sharing that dumb story that I never shared because I felt HELLA DUMB and I almost started panicking because I couldn’t understand. 

[jasonvtodd]

11 QUESTION GAME

i was tagged by @kazsbrekkfast ✨❤ Rules: Answer the 11 questions you’ve been asked, nominate 11 other bloggers, ask your nominees 11 questions, let them know you’ve nominated them!

If you could be any character’s best friend, who would it be and why? default was: jason todd!! but then i thought about it and i mean yes obv him too buut... i genuinely believe that nothing would make any person feel more complete and happy and safe then if you were the wally west to dick graysons dick grayson. so... yeah dick grayson aoisuhd like boys a mess but damn if he doesnt do everything he can to let his friends and family know how much he loves them!!! 

What book is the most well-loved and well-read on your shelf? (stealing kat’s question lolol) i think the raven cycle?? i carried them all around a lot when i was doing classes in 2016 in my backpack when i was rereading them and my copy of gatsby was very worn and torn but :(( lent it to someone and have yet to have it back </3 also the things they carried by tim o’brien is also a Mess tm the spine is a wreck.

What book or book series got you into reading/creating your blog? the raven cycle got me back into reading and remembering i love books in 2015. buut then the foxhole court got me to change my url in 2016 for the first time since 2012 and go into a full lit blog for a while so aoishd i guess foxhole but wouldnt have gotten there without raven cycle?? the Best two tm

Quote one of your favourite books of all time. “I suppose it’s a cliché to say you’re glad to be alive, that life is short, but to say you’re glad to be not dead requires a specific intimacy with loss that comes only with age or deep experience. One has to know not simply what dying is like, but to know death itself, in all its absoluteness. After all, there are many ways to die—peacefully, violently, suddenly, slowly, happily, unhappily, too soon. But to be dead—one either is or isn’t. The same cannot be said of aliveness, of which there are countless degrees. One can be alive but half-asleep or half-noticing as the years fly, no matter how fully oxygenated the blood and brain or how steadily the heart beats. Fortunately, this is a reversible condition. One can learn to be alert to the extraordinary and press pause—to memorize moments of the everyday.” ― Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me (its long but i dont talk about this book a lot and i really adore every aspect of it)

Would you ever consider writing poetry if you’ve never done so before? its... possible i have done so before... and no, before you ask, i do not still have it... (even if i did i wouldnt tell you kiddo)

Do you have any of your own characters/original writings? youve... seen... my Past tm.... 

Opinion on fanfiction? love it but havent read much of it for a while tbh

Most meaningful book/book series you’ve ever read? oh fuck... no no... this is... no. i cant do this no you know i cant do this aisjdh cause how ‘meaningful’ the books are... is subjective to every person you know?? plus it also changes sometimes depending on my mood/mindset... standalones that really fucked me up that i read one after another is: they both die at the end, when breath becomes air, tin man, insomniac city. series is.. a whole other thing asodiuhf but you know them all anyway so eh

A book that made you cry? lmao again. this is too hard to answer and im gonna keep saying the same answers but tin man really fucked me up ok. and insomniac city had me crying a lot too and.. again.. theres a Lot tm

Do you like short stories or long novels? mhmm i dont mind novellas if they have characters i like from a anotherseries but generally speaking id prefer longer... in saying that though... tin man (yes, gone there again) was only 200 pages and managed too... HA.. so.. i guess if youre a good enough writer you dont need a long amount of pages sometimes

Who is the most interesting female character you’ve ever encountered? lila bard but she identifies as genderfluid anyways but still amazing and schwab!! gave us!! that beautiful pirate icon!! also obvious shoutout to nina zenik as well!!! and i just realized this isnt just book related so aisudh i could go on with comic characters too but then we’d be here for another few paragraphs SO!! we’ll just!! stick to books!! 

‘nominating’: @amritasher @dqstoevsky @kingormmarius @wickerjulias @thedreamertrilogies​ @brucewaynse @hawkgirls @bluejeanbarold @brvkker @wallewest @gracelessnites

MY QUESTIONS

24hrs till the end of the world... you can get to any place, to any person in an instant though.. where do you go, who do you see.. and why?

zombie apocalypse, who do you have on your team (rl buddies or fictional, your choice mates) 

five must read before you die books (or comics if you want)

if you had the power to time travel to any point in history, where would you go and why? 

one thing you’ve done this year that you’re proud of?

what’s something everyone loves, but you think is very overrated?

going to get real controversial here (how you answer this, will possibly end our mutual engagement...) ... pineapple on pizza... should it be on there?

whats an album that is your ride or die? (or artist/band)

apple or android? why.

advice you’d give to your past self at a time when you were struggling?

something you’re looking forward to?

[cs-discourse]

here we go

https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179953845684/uuuuwuu-every1-whos-concerned-abt-biased-judging

ok this attitude has been pissing me off long enough that it's time for one of my Big Ole Posts (tm) about how shitty this is! thanks. 

uuuuwuu every1 whos concerned abt biased judging in comps is just soooow entitled !!!1 i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11 bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 also my last braincell just died pleas h

so here's the og post in question for quick reference

i honestly have no idea why people keep bringing up this idea of bias in judging competitions because, while i do think there is a type of bias that certainly exists, i think a lot of so-called "bias" that people have is ... not whatsoever like what people think it is lol. artists are people and there's always going to be SOME kind of bias no matter what you do, because it's literally fuckin impossible to NOT be biased. by that i mean:

your taste in plots/types of characters/medias influence your judging

quality of writing or art can influence your judging

the person who's applying for the adopt you may have previous judgement about

even if you say you aren't biased, you STILL have preferences and tastes in things that you prefer more than others, which in of itself is a kind of bias

people who know you (friends for example) will naturally know what your taste is. 

a competition is judged based on what form the artist thinks is best, right? 

NEWSFLASH EVERYONE'S IDEA OF "WHAT'S BEST" IS DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON ..... "BEST" is literally the most subjective thing there is, and while i agree that there are certain aspects of art and writing that you can use as objective measurements of tangible skill, it's... still subjective. what people think is "best" will vary from person to person because we all have different tastes. so, essentially, this boils down to the idea that the winner of an adopt competition will ALWAYS be the form the artist liked best, because that is what the artist perceives as best. so like. when people appear biased in adopt competitions towards friends or certain circles, it's probably because they're literally friends because they have similar tastes in things, and therefore the form the artist likes best is naturally going to be from someone who shares similar tastes. 

so whenever i hear about """bias""" in competitions i just kind of roll my eyes tbqh because it's usually followed by complaints of "BUT I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT" or "I WROTE SO MUCH MORE THAN THE WINNER" uhhhh. if adopt contests were won by effort alone it wouldn't be a contest, it'd be an endurance test lol. literally just "who has the most time to waste writing out 60000k words of absolute meaningless fluff"... because, i hate to break it to you, but ANYONE can write 5000 words of mindless drivel that has literally no substance to it. 

now in caps for emphasis. takes a deep breath

THERE IS NO SKILL NEEDED TO BLOAT YOUR WORD COUNT. 

YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO WRITE WELL TO WRITE 5000 WORDS.

YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TYPE AND PUT SENTENCES TOGETHER.

quality > quantity, always. like, i'm sorry you put in so many hours of effort but, those people who win with MUCH smaller wordcounts... did they not work to get as good as they did with writing? you put in 5 hours into one tryout. but others, take me for example: i have been writing for over 10 bloody years. i've worked hard to improve my writing, so you can't tell me i "didn't put in as much effort" as you because i did. i put in YEARS of work to get better so doing simple things would take me LESS time now. inb4 IT'S UNFAIR! dude, the literal definition of a contest is for the best to win. it wouldn't be a contest if it wasn't like that lol. it'd just be charity. what you should be doing instead of complaining about it is ASKING FOR CRIT and WORKING TO IMPROVE like a good sport? i get that it's discouraging but you should be prepared to lose when you join a contest. it's valid to be upset about but the moment you say you deserve it more than others JUST because of your effort, then i have a problem. 

and you know, there's gonna be times where i think a comp winner is objectively less skilled than other tryouts. honestly i just kind of shrug that off on account of different taste lol. sometimes that's just how it be, bc of those predetermined biases i mentioned before, and maybe a judge and i are just in completely stages of life so what i call quality might not appeal to the judge. that's also fine. anyway this really got off on a tangent but i'm leaving it in bc i think it needs saying. back to the og post

 > i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11

wtf didn't i address this in a different post

here let me link it for you

https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179841459154/post179838988303-the-difference-is-that-you-have

which was replying to this: https://cs-discourse.tumblr.com/post/179838988303/179837734509-idk-anon-i-kinda-agree-with-the

i said it once but i'll say it again: artist entries aren't main adopts lol. people don't work for artist entries. all you fucking do is post on one like "can i have this pls" .. there is... no effort put into that lol. main adopts you WORK for. it's a CONTEST. claiming an artist entry is NOT a contest. if a bunch of little nasty gremlins come running up to me like a hungry horde trying to be the first one to claim my design, i think giving friends first pick is COMPLETELY FINE, BECAUSE WHAT DID ANYONE ELSE DO TO "DESERVE" THAT DESIGN? nothing. you did. nothing. you're literally coming here with this attitude that NOT GIVING THINGS AWAY TO STRANGERS FOR FREE SOMEHOW EQUALS BIAS? i literally do not understand your logic whatsoever. like. i'm trying really fucking hard. at least with main adopts the "payment" is the effort you put in trying to answer the artist's prompt. i know i sound super dumb repeating myself but i don't know how much simpler i can make this concept tbh

and this is EXACTLY why i say ya'll are fucking entitled because merc and any of the kal artists could be making REAL $$$$ selling their own designs and adoptables and art and NOT deal with all the bs ya'll throw at them. they're literally here because the ENJOY MAKING ((( FREE ))) CONTENT for you, and they're not obligated to do this. they can stop whenever they want. if you had to pay per hour for the length of time collectively worked by ANY species artist staff, the lot of you would be fucking broke. i'm actually constantly shocked that species artists work like, 8 hours or more on some of these gorgeous designs just to give them away for free in a contest. 

so, yeah, as someone who hasn't spent my entire life on CS (i've only been here for a year and a half), ya'll seem pretty fucking entitled to me lol. the world outside CS rarely gives out such gorgeous designs in write-to-adopt contests so i'm honestly baffled at the amount of bloody entitlement i see

>bc artists Never weigh in on other artist's comps, so obviously thes ppl just want fwee merc designs !!!1!!1 

this part i don't actually understand what you mean. do you mean they... help judge other comps? or like, enter them? i don't get what you mean by "weigh in" but listen, lol. just because something DOES happen doesn't mean it gives you a good reason to assume the worst. i mean... of course it happens. it's statistically impossible for skewed contests and bias to NOT happen, because there's always going to be cases of it happening. but like, what proof do you have that merc will be biased lol? like, real proof? because your main point i've basically debunked and don't believe in at all. do better than "i cant bewieve ppl wouldnt want some1 whos literally explicitly stating at this point that they trust their friends more to "demonstrate dedication to the character" they assign to a design to b an influence in judging comps !!!!!11" because this doesn't make any sense to me for the reasons i already listed above lmao. if artist entries were supposed to be contests they'd be contests. what the hell makes you important enough to get first dibs on a stranger's work. ARTIST ENTRIES AREN'T EVEN MADE TO BE GIVEN AWAY, THEY'RE MADE AS ARTIST ENTRIES.... LIKE.... JESUS i struggle to understand ya'll

anyway im done here, if you wanna actually talk and debate this hmu on discord at lysander#9229 bc if you actually talk to me instead of spew this hot mess on the blog i might actually listen to you and change my mind and be nice about it instead of being a condescending bitch. 

wait one more thing

>also my last braincell just died pleas h

yea clearly

p.s., why do you ppl keep going to the blog to give critique on merc's designs when on literally every other design merc makes there's this:

https://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=3950980

here i even linked it for you. idk why it's so hard for yall to give constructive crit like decent human beings

[aliwept]

WARNING :     MASSIVE TOKOYAMI HC DUMP AHEAD !  part one of ..... many sldkfjds i gotta transfer a lot from old blogs

triggers:  body talk,  religions mentions,  mentions of binding, self hatred and transitioning.

BELIEFS / MOTIVATION:

tokoyami looks at becoming a hero the “wrong” way — or rather, in a way that cripples his success.he doesn’t want to become a hero in and of itself, but to help as many people as he can.

this is usually a good thing, but it is motivated by his extreme guilt and self doubt rather than pure desire, believing that that is the only way to pay for his “sins.” (i.e., the destruction or potential destruction his quirk as/could cause(d).)

he holds himself up to an extremely high standard, (it is impossible to have a totally “pure” motivation,) one of being perfect and disciplined in every way, but he consistently fails to reach that (as any human being would), making it so that he falls deeper into a circle of self-doubt and pity.

he also tends to idealize his friends for their faults, and when those difficult traits show up he gets extremely bothered, then angry at himself for his idealization, then angry for bothering them, & it escalates until he’s simply angry at himself for being what he believes to be a burden.

this is an extremely deeply rooted process, one that even daily actions contribute to, & while the source isn’t completely his parents, it is certainly reinforced by his mother’s abuse & his guilt relating to his father’s death.

PHYSICAL:

he’s not particularly muscled — well, compared to his more muscular classmates. most of his muscle is in his legs & stomach. he does not have a particular training regimen, typically unmotivated unless prompted.

unlike the majority of his classmates, because a lot of his fighting is done with dark shadow moving him (so that it’s harder to predict movements, as well as going from a large range), the majority of the time he’s not challenged physically.

against close attacks, both attacking which he uses his sword for (seen in his dorm room), when allowed. he inherited that sword from his father after his death. he also feels fatigue easily, not so much due to muscles but because of his exhaustion that is his “normal” state, given that dark shadow is nocturnal. (this & his low work ethic. he works a lot harder when training with friends.)

he doesn’t feel the need to bind more than not, given his skinny physique, with his hips being only a little bit wider than the average cis man’s.most of his scars are on his arms, self inflicted from his talons cutting into his skin. parts of his skin are covered in a gel like skin, clear to see the feathers that poke out from them, going much like arm hair down his sides. these are mostly around his shoulders.

most of the feather is underneath skin (though the skin & the feather both have no nerves), visible with the skin being mostly clear (no muscles adding color, only the natural dark pigment) with the rest of the feaher poking out at a low angle to his arm.

HABITS:

he has a diary that he writes in religiously. it’s kept in a hat box under his bed when he returns to the dorm, along with a collection he’s had since he had been able to write.

at times, in nostalgia, he’ll read through his earlier books. he also tends to doodle his classmates in them ! he’s an incredibly private person — especially because his mother ignored his privacy, refusing to let him keep secrets of any kind in ‘fear that he was hiding something’ — but also enjoys putting his thoughts into words.         

PAST:               

tokoyami was bullied due to his appearance / personality. for someone who was already uncomfortable with his body (not knowing what being trans was at that point) this became the root of deep insecurity regarding his appearance, whether it was as simple as hesitation.

he is autistic !! he stims a lot with his hands, though usually it’s in his hoodie / under his cloak, because he’s very self conscious about it.  he also has adhd: inattentive type, bpd, depression & anxiety!

fantasy verse:  he’s a witch & i will fight you on this fact. my boy loves the occult. he’s also. in generally he tends to be superstitious, & more than that enjoys different rituals! it probably won’t show up in my rp cause i honestly don’t know much about that type of thing but ! he absolutely adores things like that, not necessarily because he fully believes them but because they’re interesting & he believes that they probably stem if only in part from fact.

now im gonna add some notes here.  while he is obviously pretty strong,  he has problems with control, considering that not only does he have to react, he has to communicate those thoughts with dark shadow. speed / offense / defense obviously are enhanced w dark shadow, as well as his own abilities (he would still be able to hold his own if he couldn’t use his quirk).

as well, a lot of his stats are basically his stats + dark shadow, which obv makes them higher than they otherwise would be. he also has really high stamina and working out for a long time doesn’t really. make him tired, nor dark shadow, because dark shadow doesn’t get tired & he’s not the one doing a lot of the actual physical stuff. he’s not good w weapons tho in general. note that these are basically during the daytime w/o a huge light source so things change when it’s darker/lighter.

parents:   tokoyami’s mother had the ability to call spirits of the dead to her and talk to them, & his father’s was to house things, as in objects, so he cld like. store things inside of his body. it’s real wild.

a quirk that combined with another in tokoyami’s lineage, so one of his ancestors had the ability to shapeshift, specifically with birds & banged w someone who has a quirk similar to aizawa’s, where it basically ‘stills’ the action of .someone’s quirk, if that makes sense? so down the line people wld inherit a birds’ features, but it would switch. in his dad’s case, he got a raptors ‘arms’ & eyes.

i am here to inform you that not only is he really short, he’s also chubby! espcially as a child. while he now has muscle! :tm: ive made earlier posts about how he doesn’t have a good. regimen & shit so. yeah. just like deku, while he may be muscled, (though he’s less muscled than. most of his classmates) he still is v chubby on other parts of his body.

also ! he’s trans & he has. a large bust, which he does not bind most of the time due to fear of asphyxiation. being demiboy, he is bothered at it at times, but dislikes tight clothes as a whole (like binders). this is because he is easily overstimulated by excessive contact with his body, causing sensory overload.the exception is his neck, which his choker is a source of comfort. (though, warning, there are scars underneath that the large choker hides!)

tokoyami. will say/do something & then become embarrassed by it, after the act has already been done. he’ll fuckin melt on the spot.

tokoyami is absolutely someone to leave ppl on read. or respond w several paragraphs w ‘K.’ like. that’s just how it is. he’s lowkey an asshole in that way but he just. he has to think a lot before having a response but he gets distracted & just leaves it.

he has dark fucking brown skin !!!!! people who draw tokoyami w light skin cause he’s a ‘pale goth uwu !!!!’ are weak & will be weeded out by natural selection.

people he trains with most are ,,,  mostly kirishima, kaminari, aoyama and momo when they’re available

he’s mix of japanese, native american, and indian!

self knowledge questions:  neediness, independence, shyness.

NEEDINESS: being affirmed & nurtured by others is a central requirement for you to feel safe. this means you can be slow to warm up to other people, which is difficult because what you most need from them is their warmth. yet you know how to be vulnerable: to let down your defenses and accept that you need another person. this lack of pretense is a valuable trait, and ultimately more endearing than the macho efforts others make to deny their childlike sides.

INDEPENDENCE: you don’t set out to be different for its own sake; you are more easily guided by what interests & moves you. you are more concerned about what is right for you than about the pressure to fit in. you know the value of selective irresponsibility, of forgetting occasionally about being ‘good’.

SHYNESS: part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. the upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. but when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

there’s an au where he’s tamaki’s half brother tamakis hmu

more ramblings cause i lov him so anw. i figure that like. if he had to have a motivator it would be an outside force but basically he’s riding on the fact that he has more physical ability because he doesn’t perform very well in studies. ( bird brain …… )

getting 14th place out of the class on midterms, he’s aware that he’s not motivated & as well as his migraines & other mental illnesses ( adhd, executive dysfunction, etc. ) this means that he doesn’t really reach his “full potential.”

he’s aware of this, though, which causes him to train physically. physically training also allows him to ( a ) feel proud of himself, something that he struggles with ( b ) help him generally, esp with dysphoria ( c ) get his mind off of other things / points of stress.

i still don’t think he’s like. as buff as shouji for example, though part of that is that he’s naturally lean ! & he has trouble motivating himself sometimes but when he stays up late ( due to dark shadow ) it basically wrecks his sleeping patterns, so this gives him something beneficial to do while also exhausting himself, which he hopes will help him fall asleep.

like i know that i said that . . he was skinny / not v muscled ( when compared to his buffer classmates, rather ) but i guess i’ve been proven wrong because it took both Buff McFuck mina and hagakure 2 push him out of the way ( not tht it took that long but that was w them straining / time skips )

so @ this point i Just Don’t Know. he got 9 in the practical which means he’s obv like ?? p good but that was the entrance exam. ( he got 10 rescue my baby !!!! im so proud of him ) & then w aizawa’s exams he started off at 5 & im tryna find the other thing what it ended up as but @ this point i’m just , pretty divided cause i’m not seeing much reason for him to learn to train w/o proper training ( & we kno that he’s not someone who was trained specially like todoroki / momo tho tht doesnt mean it’s not possible & at this point im just ) ya. he’s gotta be able but from what we know he’s not v motivated ? ausdjkfdsfjk we’ll see ig.

tokoyami is a mix of shinto (where his hero epithet comes from), taoist (due to the values), & hindu (again, values). i think for now it’s going to be some mix of that, though i’m going to do some research on shinto values since i don’t know much about it !!!!!

generally, he’s pretty superstitious, just because he knows many myths are based on facts, & the idea of ‘it doesn’t hurt to watch out for them.’ he prefers to avoid possible things that would make him have bad luck.

[chopinsendlessraindrops-blog]

August 07, 2018

I thought about dropping this project as I was starting to do better briefly after I started this blog.

But then last week was a testament to, oh. Nope. Depression and me, we gon’ be pals forever whether I like it or not. I’ll explain in a moment.

But before we get there, I do have to ask what I really want to do with this project. Do I simply want to keep blogging about my struggles, or do I want to start a project for overall human advocacy in things that are most important to me? 

I guess in the end I’ll let this project be whatever it ends up being. I (and whoever the you may be reading this, if there is ever a you on the other side of this screen) both know in the end that my impact on this world is ever-so small so why bother to pretend I was ever going to make a ripple? I mean, I don’t know. I know that attitude is just my depression whooping my ass today and maybe tomorrow I’ll say if we don’t try then that’s a 0% chance but... Let’s be real. I’m pretty much the trash everyone ignores. My best efforts to be the advocate are usually squashed when my head is kicked back under the table like an wanted dog. Sounds dramatic but... that’s kinda how it feels most of the time. I still try but, eh. One day I’ll probably actually stop.  *insert very distasteful joke here*

Ideally, I’d like to start a depression advocate section to start. There’s definitely a lot of people who don’t know how to deal with severe depression or mental illness. I mean, we’ve started to understand anxiety and depression on the surface, but I think serious mental illness really needs some work. 

So here’s where we get to last week. And the weeks before then.

WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. AGAIN I WILL MENTION I SPEAK FRANKLY ABOUT SUICIDE AS IT’S MY DAILY LIFE SO CHOOSING TO READ ON MEANS YOU FORFEIT THE RIGHT TO BE OFFENDED.

So I started TMS, which is similar to ECT but with magnets. It looks a little overwhelming but it’s actually not in terms of the treatment itself. The schedule is busy--It’s been I think about 10 weeks or so of treatment, Monday through Friday. And I mentioned before, I was starting to feel better because for the first time, this actually worked. Something felt like it almost just clicked different parts of my brain that I was suddenly able to think with open optimism, think through plans with logical reasoning without panic, smile and give part of myself into friendships again, and all of the anhedonia and despair that followed just felt like it spilled away. It was miraculously strange. I’d be screaming for anyone and everyone to get TMS if I could.

However, the weekend before last, my boyfriend left for the beach with his family. Unforeseen to me, there was an open week of no TMS treatments, but I wouldn’t have been able to go along anyway because I’d eaten up all my time off for the treatments and previous times I’d been out. (Unfortunately work is a big trigger for my mental health so it makes me call out. Which makes people hate me probably but I can’t really help being a useless sack of shit. I’d rather be hated at home than at work and it really can’t be helped. Ah, there’s old optimism, how I missed you!) I was fine for a few days, but Tuesday morning I felt the sadness creep up my spine with the twinging urge to flick my arm to the right of the highway. Until I realized I hadn’t had an urge to drive myself off the road for weeks and this was a worrisome sign, I was clouded in depressive thoughts but couldn’t explain the sudden urge to see the chaotic mess of trees and glass shatter my windshield in hopes of it stopping the clock.

I proceeded to go clock in and wait for an agonizing period of time for the other nurse to sit at the triage desk. It may have only been fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Tears were pricking at my eyes as I helplessly waited and bailed the moment I could and had one of the worst meltdowns I’d had in a long time. I’d cry, and when I would think I would be done, I’d cry more.

The worst of it all is that I thought weeks ago I’d stop wanting to die. But suddenly my soul felt strangled and I started to contemplate why I bothered to carry on with all of this heavy grief. I lost my sensibility and all I could think was in an endless cycle of why bother. It could be worse, yes, but the matter of the fact is that I’m fucking miserable and I don’t want to be anymore. I’m tired of being empty and broke and ignored by everyone and don’t tell me one goddamn time it’s my fault everyone ignores me.*

*We’ll come back.

There were some other cascading events this week that I won’t get into, but I suddenly whipped right back around into depression, slight anhedonia, all-day sleeping again last week, and in-frequent suicidal ideation. (Which let me clarify: would alarm some people, but suicidal thinking comes with depression now most of the time so as long as I don’t have serious intents to act ie don’t start calculating how to gather supplies and exact methods then I’m usually okay.) When I went to treatment this morning, I was reassured that missing treatments for a few days doesn’t affect your depression that quickly, so I guess it was likely just my boyfriend being away, the fact that I set up the futon couch and that made me contemplate the itty-bitty living space we have (when I compared it to work lunch room to someone, I was like, “Fuck me, yeah, that’s the amount of space I live in,”), financial set-back, and another event that I won’t mention here. But the two treatments this week seem to have helped, but I literally have one final treatment left.

I guess all I can really do is push forward and try my best to not let a set-back like that happen again. I’ve downloaded a few apps to see if some resources that way will help. I’ll keep seeing my therapist. And I just won’t worry about my job as much anymore cause I just can’t. They clearly don’t value my work so I’ll just do what they want me to do and nothing else; back to plan B. I’m done trying to help them anymore. That’s all I’ll say about that for now.

But to be honest, I’m terrified. I feel that no one takes me seriously. It sounds absurd, but it feels like someone has suppressed my voice and I can’t be heard. It fuels this fear and I don’t want to speak up to anyone. It’s this effect that I really can’t comprehend and... well, frankly, I just think that people like me on some level, but I don’t really equate it with really any love. I don’t understand how people look at me and think highly of me. In fact, they probably don’t. ...they don’t.

Anyway, I have a bowl of lunch to eat and a nap to eat before I go meet with my therapist so I can tell her how I realized a new method for how I could kill myself at work if I ever really wanted to badly enough. Isn’t that lovely~?