#my blog is called my spiral into insanity for a reason

[apollolewis]

Sometimes I contemplate seeing a psychological. The nurses always ask if I feel “down, sad or depressed” at the doctors but I don’t know what exactly they mean. Like sometimes, shit happens but sometimes I just get really sad and feel like I’m my existence is worthless for no actual reason. I don’t think that’s normal but I only know what it’s like to be in my head so not quite sure what’s normal. That’s different for everyone.

[embarrassinglastwords]

the results are in!

with 314 votes these were the top 10 stsg moments people can’t believe are canon (top 10 based off of the ones i listed lmao) this will be long but i did say i was gonna make a post of the results so -

10: in last place with only 1.9% - their names complimenting each other + Geto’s robes being called “gojo-gesa robes”

i included these together cause they are similar imo. both being based around the other.

9: “the only one i have”

the iconic quote with 3.2% that is so misquoted cause of that translation that i’m pretty sure people ignore that that’s actually what he says rather than “my one and only”💀 (myself included but for the sake of the poll i did the accurate translation)

8: the light novel in general

maybe i’m biased cause of my user but only getting 3.8% of votes surprised me lmao.

i mean i just think about “Even if everything was different now, there was still one thing- from that very moment it all started- that had never changed” as well as “Geto Suguru It was a name that the Jujutsu tech organization feared…but to Gojo Satoru, he was—“ all the time

i posted more quotes from it here

7: with 7.3% (nanami surprise appearance) we have their official songs stated by Gege.

Shame On Me being Gojo’s

and Come Back Home being Geto’s.

6: 8.9% of votes for this insane moment from the newer chapters after Gojo’s resurrection lmao

him and Kenny are fighting and Gojo offers to fight on Dec. 24th (Geto’s death anniversary) with Kenny replying “How romantic”

this legit made me scream when the chapter came out… anyways

5: i almost didn’t include this moment because i was sure it was gonna win because of how often it’s brought up but i’m glad to see i was wrong💀

but still in the top 5 with 9.6% is Gojo recognizing Geto by smell in JJK0… i have nothing to add to that cause like. what.

4: with 10.5% we have Gojo’s last words to Geto being “3 words” as stated by Gojo’s english va! (which i also mentioned in the post linked above)

(that being paired with the light quotes above and “such embarrassing words” and it being words they had “never said to each other before” … we all know what he said…🙄)

3: with 12.4%, the one that made me spiral and realize Gojo is probably done for, Gege himself saying “one cannot exist without the other” about Gojo and Geto…

so either Geto is miraculously gonna come back or they are sharing a death anniversary lmao

2: at 18.8%!

the infamous vol 0 quotes that are 100% parallels because the entire movie is.

Gojo, to Yuta in reference to Rika: “Love is the most twisted curse of them all” (idk why i said 'worst curse' in the poll lmao)

Geto as he dies: “At least curse me a little at the very end.”

bangs my head into a wall… okay and number 1!!

1: at 23.6% is the stsg moment. “My six eyes tell me you’re Suguru Geto but my soul knows otherwise! Hurry up and answer, who the hell are you?!”

not only was seeing Geto the reason for him getting sealed but he went against his own power, his own technique which makes him the strongest, to listen to his soul. and to quote Song of Achilles (which i made a joke the other day about stsg being modern day achilles and patroclus) “He is half of my soul, as the poets say.”

okay this was the first poll i’ve done like this besides some random funny ones on my other blog and i can’t believe it got 300+ votes. maybe i’ll do more in the future if i can think of some topics.

[trickscourse]

My hot take the fucking week this week is that giving someone their own medicine is almost never worth it and if you see someone actively mentally spiraling and their mental health becoming worse, instead of broadcasting their suffering for the world to see maybe offer them help instead of treating them like a personal circus act.

Armchair diagnosis of someone you don't fucking know isn't okay and does absolutely nothing and slamming the term narcissist on someone doesn't do anything except create a worst stigma around for other people.

The exact same goes for mocking someone's abuse, especially something they couldn't control or lying about little fucking things that don't matter at the end of the day. Randomly throwing accusations that someone that don't make sense ends up making you look worse in the long run.

When I end up dealing with people who are "victims" on this website I try to use cognitive dissonance to understand certain shit. I realized how bad the shit I was doing and people enabling were getting when a friend of mine from high school reached out saying that they were sorry for being fucked up to me but I was just as bad back and took a second to step back and realize that even though I was upset, angry, and hurt that gave me no right or reason to take that on other people.

Even with the mods I still talk to, I asked them to delete things once the blog is done being archived so we can save stuff like the swatting incident. Doing the shit to me that I've done the others does absolutely nothing in the long run except make everyone worse.

Calling someone the r slur, low iq, a 'transtrender' or calling then a narcissist or assuming they have a disorder they don't have because you don't like them is loser behavior, stalking them and frequenting their job and getting upset when anyone calls you out on it and throwing a hissy fit doesn't make you the better person.

It took me longer than it should to learn that, but I learned that. Holding blackmail over someone's head or harassing them with the threat of doxing them and their friends to the point where they have to move locations more than once is fucking insane and you are fucking insane for endorsing any sort of harassment like that.

Go outside and count the clouds or something, rent a puzzle from the library, I don't care what you fucking do as long as it's far away from me. Erase virtually anything related to me from your goddamn vocabulary and search history, or whatever files you have. You are insane.

[neptuniadoesstuff]

"Duaghter of Illusions"

Some art of Rei, the duaghter of Haku (& another being but that being is NOT from the Doctor Nowhere Universe or from this Modern AU)

Btw no, that is not her actual face, that's just a mask she wears just so she can actually INTERACT with ppl without having to deal with the fact she's basically a anomaly with Cognito-Hazardous properties.

Bio (Major):

|| Code Name: Phen 369 | Aliases: Duaghter of Illusions", Rei (by a random civilian), "The Link Faker", "A fallen being's offspring" | Year & Place of Discovery: 2018, [REDACTED] | Current Wearibouts: In some civilian's (who wants to be anonymous) basement | Other: Was discovered to actually be a variation of "Phen 228" due to the colors being somwhat similar to the melted... face | Main abilities: Cognito-Hazardous properties (Similar to Phen 228 abilities, but can make a person spiral down into insanit as well), Tech Possession (Possesses any Link/tech that is unused for a long time) | Ways to combat the effects: NEVER EVER TAKE OFF THAT MASK! I REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE OFF THE MASK. Especially do not click any suspicious links that can cause any pseudocoma & spiral into Insanity. For better safety precautions, wear blue light glasses, turn off the screen, & look at the wall. If these don't work, call the authorities... it's your only hope... ||

(This is documents created by the Ephrata Branch about Rei, as me, a outsider, will make the true bio of her... Although despite that this is all canon info about her)

(WARNING INCOMING! THE NEXT IMAGE WILL CONTAIN GØŘƏ, BL00D, & ORGANS, PROCEED WITH CAUTION! )

(Btw this is the full body ref... Don't murk me plz IT ISN'T SUS I PROMISE YOU, THIS IS JUST TO SHOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE W/O THE MASK & CLOTHES)

Bio (But written by a outsider):

|| Name: Rei Ahsikk Phenirell | Aliases: "Child" (By Haku), Duaghter of Illusions | Gender: Female, She/Her | Age: 19-20 | Height: 11'6 ft | Pride: No Idea, prob straight but might be leaning a bit to AroAce | Species: Fallen Angel/Shadow Demon Hybrid Thing | Family: Phen 228/Hakunata (Her bio Father), Some Shadow Demon (Other Bio Father), Some other Phens. (Might also be related to Follower as a cousin but who knows) | Personality: Is naive & thinks doing bad thing is right due to her of... taking the things her parent says literally. Is obsessive of making her parent proud & hoping that she becomes the successor to him (although she does not know that her aunt is the true successor). Is mostly a introvert & the only true frend she has is a human named Deka who us not affected by her properties for some reason | Occupation: Unknown (Sorta) | Powers: Same thing as her dad but with a hint of... Insanity! :) /hj Can fly but doesn't know how to rlly (Her wings aren't rlly visible), is also really fast (but prefers to walk bcs l a z y ) | Other (aka unimportant stuff): A literal basement dweller, loves pocky sticks (either strawberry or cookies & cream), stealing sparkling water with the human she lives with, loves being weird. Also, might be a bit on the side of.... Stoopid? Well, not really, but that's what she thinks she is. In reality, she is very smort ||

(Don't mind the fact she is clearly a Phen 228 x Room (From Boisvert) Fanchild, DON'T MIND THAT. Plz ignore this for the love of god.. Don't read it, don't think about. If you do ill have to put u in gae bebe jail)

CREDITS!

Character: Rei Ahsikk Phenirell (Mine)

Art: Mine.

Program: IbisPaint x

Bubs' TOS: Plz don't repost/steal, trace, or recolor my art WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! If you do, I'll take yur femur and pelvis.. SO, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! (The PNS on my blog's pinned post clearly means "Please No Steal" plz follow that rule.) If you do post my art on anything like yur blog or somewhere else (With my permission) PLEASE CREDIT ME!

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Hazbin Top 5

I was going to make a top 10 character list, but realized after the first 5 I didn't know where to place anyone- But in case you're curious, some contenders for the remaining 6-10, in no specific order, were Angel Dust, Charlie, Emily, Niffty, and Sir Pentious. Now here's my top 5 with reasonings and appreciation for them all!

5. Lucifer

Obviously bro is relatable, not only for his awkwardness and hyperfixations, but he also happens to be the same height as I am at about 5'2" (according to the sources I've seen). Being the same height as Lucifer is my biggest flex lmao- I still have no idea why his hatred of Alastor seemed so instant. Like yeah, Alastor was trying to annoy him by being a better dad to Charlie, but the whole 'fuck you' moment happened before any of that started. Did he just sense the bad vibes off of him or what? Anyway, his awkwardness and desperation to connect with his daughter make for probably my favorite lines of the episode, such as the "Hey bitch!" and the whole "You like girls? So do I!" situation followed by him being so distracted he called Vaggie by the wrong name. Perfect comedy

4. Lute

I love her an insane amount for someone who shows up so relatively little with so few lines, but here we are. I've already made an entire post about her, here it is if you want it, so I'll keep this short (Spoiler alert: I failed). I actually don't think I mentioned just how attractive this woman is, so let's get that out there right now. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, about half the people I've seen react to Episode 6 have seen Lute without her mask, took a pause of recognition, and we all knew what they were thinking before the pressed play. Istg my taste in women (and sometimes even men, thanks Vox) is just "Can they murder me without a second thought? Yes? That's hot". My favorite line of hers is when she's hyping up the army with Adam and says "Rip Vaggie's cunt mouth out her ass!" and even Adam has to be like "damn girl chill what the hell-" She's so feral I love her so much

3. Rosie

Everyone needs a Rosie in their lives. I don't just mean a regular therapist, I mean a person in your life, friend or family member, who will talk you out of your downward spiral and gently call you out on why those paranoid thoughts are actually pretty unrealistic (the other side of the same coin would be Husk, he's just more blunt about it). I'm also still completely convinced she has some interesting and sad backstory based on how she was talking to Charlie and I need to know about it so bad. "It can be difficult to admit to things you're not proud of, especially if those things hurt the ones you love" Ma'am what did you do? I find it hard to believe it's just about the cannibalism. I don't know if in this instance, she's the one who hurt someone or someone else hurt her and she was the one who failed to forgive them, but either way I need answers.

2. Vox

Y'all know I love this man in more ways than one, he one the hottest Hazbin character poll for a reason. But I swear everything about this man makes me love him as a character more. First, I always love a technology based character, his electricity powers and literal screen head are the coolest thing in the world to me. He's voiced by Christian Borle, which was a fantastic choice, along with the glitched effect his voice gets when he's mad, I love to see it. Apparently it's also canon he can fly (with rocket shoes)?? He just keeps getting the best character design choices possible, this can't possibly be fair- The fact his first introduction was being done with Val, telling him to call tf down, and treating him like a child ("Now that's why they pay you the big bucks!") was a pretty good first impression for me lol, made even funnier when it was followed by him losing all sense of rationalism when Alastor entered his line of sight.

1. Alastor

The character my blog is named after, this should not be a surprise. Shockingly enough, despite my obsession for him and acknowledgement of his charming nature and generally attractive design, I' do not simp for him in the slightest'm not personally attracted to him in the slightest. I simp for a TV and yet apparently deer man with permanent smile is where I draw the line idk- The most I want from him is to be as good of a friend to him as Rosie is (well that and to touch his ears but that's a given). But this is another character I love literally everything about. Who would've thought the concepts of 'radio host', 'serial killer', and 'literal deer' would work so well together to create this dapper yet terrifying fucking cryptid. Not only can he be either incredibly scary or a silly guy, he can and has done both at once. Example: Episode 3 when he's just casually eating a deer carcass in his room (in which he summoned a whole ass bayou). I was genuinely so glad when the 'this face was made for radio' thing happened in episode 1, confirming that they were still gonna lean into his creepy-as-fuck distortion and general vibe he had in the pilot. He's horrifying and evil and I love that about him. Meanwhile he also says shit like "Now he's pissy, that's the tea" (definitely taught to him by Rosie) and kicks his legs on the bed like a schoolgirl as if he hasn't committed countless atrocities. My favorite character, everyone-

Wow I wrote more than I meant to for this, sorry about the essay-

[chocowhomps]

Hi there, I found your Blog a few days ago & fell in love with the Keveddy Posts,

Anyway I wanted 2 ask, How did Kevin & Eddy’s react when they told them they were a couple & if they’re parents were supportive or not?

AWWW HI THERE!!! I'm so so glad u like them! Keveddy is very important to me and ive put a lot of thought into their relationship so I've totally thought of this

Kevin's relationship with his parents is excessively strained for various reasons. So while theyre more or less "supportive" it's better described as their reaction being "neutral". They are very inactive participants in Kevin's life and Kevin basically had to parent himself when he was very young in my take (part of why he is so aggressive/defensive, is usually seen doing very intense chores potentially dangerous for a kid his age esp unsupervised, and has things like sweets entirely locked away from him as punishment for misbehaving BC they aren't there to enforce rules in person.)

They more or less shrug and say oh that's nice. But sometimes don't really even acknowledge it. They have this same vibe towards Kevin's gender as a trans boy, so he isn't really that surprised despite it rly hurting his feelings.

Eddy's parents on the other hand are INSANELY supportive. Like SO supportive like ECSTATICALLY supportive. Eddy's dad is a gruff guy who's loud and rough around the edges and Eddy's mom is a loud, sassy chatterbox who can be somewhat catty at times. Eddy's mom is very Intune with her sons emotions (Eddy's a ginormous momma's boy and was spoiled to hell and back as a kid which is why he's like that personality wise mixed with his issues w his brother) so she knew before they got together that eddy liked him.

Kevin's and eddy hung out alone at his place a lot and she was just so excited to herself over how cute they were in her eyes just waiting for one of them to ask the other out. So when they tell Eddy's parents she jumps up and squeals like "OH THnk GAWDD FINALLYYYY! MY BABYS FIRST LIL BOYFRIEND OHHH" embarassing the hell out of Eddy to the point he becomes a tomato.

Eddys dad takes the calmer approach but he's kinda Y'know so hes the type to be like "calm down woman I'm trying to eat my supper" and she and him lightly bicker BC they're that kinda couple. But he expresses his genuine approval which means a lot to Eddy BC his father always read as hard to approach. So it really hits him hard how genuine he expresses himself for once to show he fully is happy. Kevin feels this way too and it means a lot to him to have a guy like Eddy's dad call him a "good man".

And Kevin's just happy to be so accepted by them and immediately be considered family.

Eddy's dads also full of it BC it doesn't take him long to call Kevin "son" as well BC both he AND his wife are insanely giving people. Theyre very well off for what they do and Eddy's dad more or less let's Kevin buy his car from his dealership for dirt purely BC "anything for my future son in law" which sends Eddy into a spiral BC "DAD!!!!! DONT SAY THAT!!!!!" and Kevin's just giddily twiddling his thumbs heheheheh

[kittinthedesert]

I greatly think, as I've seen it come up time and again whenever this game is brought up, is people becoming interested in JttW. I'm positive you got more traffic since this game was released, cause people want to know what it's based on.

Something called a "Conspiracy Theory" does not invite any sense of truth… But I also do not see what it has to do with BMW. Or what you mean by "The game follows this method." I don't know; maybe it flew over my head, but it doesn't seem like your most informed takes, which surprises me with all the research you do, and I usually like your articles.

I won't mention Does the Buddha Lie in Journey to the West? Too much because it doesn't involve in the overall argument I will present about adaptations in general (maybe I should reblog the response post, but this all started because of this post, so), but for the sake of responding to this post… I don't have any issue with your response to Ye Zhiqiu. I find it the most reasonable thing presented to me out of everything connected to this post and another good article by you, though a part of me wants to read his article directly; however, I am unable to read the language, and online translation can involve some level of incorrectness.

Anyways, more is below. It, uh, got long. I'm sorry if this possibly comes off as rude, I say this as I do have some struggles with identifying emotion and text especially makes it harder.

I just read the post from Ryin-Silverfish, so I will put my immediate thoughts on it. It talked a lot about JCT but little about the game. In addition, how they explained JCT makes me see it even less... Tho, I find it weird that they call out A Chinese Odyssey, considering that's a drama-comedy and most things are done for humor effect rather than a commentary (not that there isn't any; I feel that it is impossible for someone's view/beliefs to not color a work to a degree)--I do not want to say 'reading too much into it' because I don't think that can be true of anything. Still, I feel it's a bit 'watching with an altered view of it.' I have seen the first two parts, and unfortunately, part 3.

A point I've seen in that post and here <https://www.tumblr.com/journeytothewestresearch/762214744615763968/ive-read-your-articles-on-your-blog-i-cant?source=share> is that BMW makes all gods evil, which I would disagree with. Erlang, for all that he was involved in, is not evil as he helps Wukong (even yearning for him at times, ngl that was a... charged battle). I would even argue the Demon Bull family wasn't evil or the Spider family. So on that point, the JCT-BMW theory is just a theory.

Edit: some time after making this post I've seen the true ending, and also an interesting video by Jaobird (Black Myth: Wukong is Actually Insane - Before You Buy Black Myth: Wukong) that talks about his experience and feelings. Something he mentions is the lore entries, how in-depth they are, and the large amount of them, and I think that points to the idea that the developers cared more than some people think. The animations at the end of each chapter I think points to this too. I cannot comment, however, on anything about "distort the meaning of Buddhahood or Enlightenment", though I can see an interpretation both ways of yes or no, because of me being rather new to learning these things and not living in an area with any form of Buddhism so no exposure growing up past knowing that Buddhism is a thing.

And regarding your earlier response about adaptations in that post, this will be rude, but get over yourself. This is honestly spiraling too much, but I think it clouds your view and overwrites your better judgment of any work based on JttW, which you admit to somewhat. You cannot properly analyze BMW with this view that "In general, I don't like adaptations," as it will automatically put BMW in a negative light for you and make you more negative than critical before even looking at the game itself.

Adaptations can be good; whether or not BMW does it is another argument, but disregarding something because it's an adaptation (not even about how it adapts the thing) is just a closed view of it.

Mind you, I've only seen up to the 5th chapter (edit: now true ending) and haven't read the lore entries and such, so I'm not speaking as a BMW fan or anything--for what I've seen so far, it's alright--or as someone particularly knowledgable about it. I'm speaking more from my experiences with mythologies or historical figures adapted to various works. Such as the Greek gods or Arthurian media, even something like Peter Pan. And my research into what makes an adaptation... and my deep dive into as many adaptations of the JttW as possible; what can I say? I have fun with them. (Except for Conquering the Demons, that was a bad movie).

Adaptations are more than just taking the book and making it another medium, keeping 100% as is, despite the common definition or what many people think. To take from Oxford, an adaptation is "the process of making a work of art upon the basis of elements provided by an earlier work in a different, usually literary, medium." And "distinctions are commonly drawn between ‘faithful’ adaptations, in which the distinctive elements (characters, settings, plot events, dialogue) of the original work are preserved as far as the new medium allows, and ‘free’ adaptations, sometimes called ‘versions’ or ‘interpretations,’ in which significant elements of the original work are omitted or replaced by wholly new material."

There will be changes because how people view and/or understand a particular concept changes over time; the whole joke about "historians will call them friends" comes from historians hesitant to put any label on people because how homosexuality was understood has changed over time (from the view of the people then and the historian of any particular era afterward).

Maybe someone wants to "adapt" it to their modern era (whenever that is) and/or change the allegory. Maybe it's JttW, but its setting is changed to 1920s Germany, or the allegory for heaven is changed from 16th-century China and the criticism of it, changed to 20th-century America and the criticism of it. [You definitely see this with Arthurian literature and other mediums, which are constantly adapting on itself, most often Le Morte D'Arthur, or changing the allegory such as Arthur the good chivalrous king vs Arthur the lazy bum look at our original oc Lancelot (I like Lancelot but). Does this make, say, BBC Merlin a bad show cause it changed Merlin into a servant boy who secretly had magic? No, it's a lousy show cause it kept fumbling on how to tell its story and holding back on revealing that Merlin had magic to Arthur until Arthur died was highly dumb.] Nezha Reborn is a damn good movie, even though it involves Nezha dying and Wukong being the cooky old fool and is set in a different time period entirely--it is still an adaptation, and it isn't 100% faithful to JttW or Investiture of the Gods in the case of Nezha.

Sometimes, though, the original work would not work 100% faithfully in another medium--musicals come to mind. I doubt a musical could be entirely faithful to the novel because the time it would take for a musical would be outlandish and unrealistic to do, things would have to be cut out or altered.

To go even further, dipping into slightly extreme, but what about fanart? Art on its own is adapting the work. Is it not worth looking at if someone puts Sun Wukong in modern clothing? Or interpret Tripitaka as something other than a monk?

Is creative expression not allowed? Because it's an adaptation?

I wanted to add something someone on Discord said to me about adaptations. "Adaptations have been a thing basically as long as we’ve had two different mediums to share stories." There have been adaptations that have been called better than the original. (Another mentioned that The Thing is a remake of an adaptation.) Maybe not applying to JttW let alone done by BMW, but something to keep in mind for adaptations.

"It makes a lot of sense to be protective of the original. To be afraid of what might happen if the adaptation of this thing you have opened your heart to goes poorly. But that’s a fear of the risk involved, not so much a fear of adaptation itself."

--

I usually really like your posts about JttW and all that is related to it, but I have noticed you struggle a lot with properly criticizing and in general analyzing anything adapting it.

I feel a little surprised considering how open/encouraging even at times you've been for fanfiction--a form of adaptation let's be honest here.

I think something you should look at is Dominic Noble's channel and his video...

Maybe even the Overly Sarcastic Productions videos that summarize the JttW, I'm curious about your thoughts--taking into understanding your beliefs as you presented them here.

I'm a Theravada Buddhist. I saw many people interpreting the story and meaning behind Black Myth Wukong, differently. But I hope the devs team didn't intend to insult Buddha Dhamma by recreating this new story and distort the meaning of Buddhahood or Enlightenment itself..

I don't know if they intended to insult Buddhism, but I can say that their presentation of Buddhism in the game is disrespectful.

@ryin-silverfish recently posted a wonderful essay on what's known as the "JTTW Conspiracy Theory," which is a method of interpreting the story by twisting details, making the heavenly hierarchy look evil. The game follows this method. I recommend that you read the essay:

I unknowingly ran into the JTTW Conspiracy Theory a couple of years ago. A Chinese article claimed that the Buddha lies in the novel. This is my rebuttal.

[pilotheather]

another insane depression kms spiral. to the low stakes live blog we must....

ep 5 - time heist

ok so picking up here again

i dontthinkt his is a fair assessment per se cuz i was really out of it when i left off and im never good at picking stuff back up but

again i loooveee the premise. i love the set-up. its SUPERRR GOOD. and i do love the characters and literally EVERYTHING here its just brooo.....

it needs more time. this should have been a two parter. way too rushed. i think these extras could have been rlly memorable if they had that time to develop. otherwise theyre just sorta standard aliens with A Trait. anyways

still fun. bit silly.

i feel weird cuz like i feel like a lot of these eps so far ive kinda not connected to them and im wondering if thats just cuz inever aaw thme live and on rewatches im always either out of it, or slightly burnt out by the time i get to them (i hate s7 it exhausts me)

ajnways end of ep again would have loved this. wish it was a 2 parter tho cuz it could have genuinely elevated itself to suchhhh highs

ep 6 - the caretaker

ok so this ep basic premise its obvs more abt the dannster & a general character piece.

but speaking of oh my god. can we get someone else in the writing room. maybe its intentional? i feel like it's... just weirder if it is. but the doctor repeatedly calling him that just always feels insanely fucking racist. help

its even worse than with mickey. sorry i did post that reddit post before right. dw just hates black men i think. its a bit mental.

anyway i like danny. i think im liking him more on the second rewatch. like ok he's a little bootboy. but i think i forgot a lot of his like Actual Personality cuz im not as well versed in this era. and can i say. hes actually a delight to me. hes lame as shit. i love it when a boyfriend is lame as shit. so good. but hes also kinda dope as fuck

like he did a flip. is no one talking about how he did a flip

anyway i like this ep its fun and ive always liked this direction with clara.

ep 7- kill the moon

ngl i laughed when i saw this coming up

i like the role courtney plays, but i dont like a lot of the execution. i think teens/kids are a really hard thing to have in tv/movies for a load of different reasons. and tbh here its not just the actresses fault - shes doing fine with the stuff given, really - but i feel like the dialogue can have a tendency to be um... lacking. and they end up being dumb as fuck but also sometimes a deus ex machina weirdo. its like just write a person bro.

also why i didnt like the kid in Boom! most recently. like can we get a few more quarters in her? she's gonna repeat the same sentiment again for us all. i can see the arguments for why she was like that- but whatever not for this post

anbyways

this fuckng episode man im laughing stupid as fucking shit concept help me and i love the stupid as shit concepts

UI FORGOT ABOUT THE TUMBLR THING

WHY WAS THERE A CANONICAL TUMBLRMENTION. WHAT YEAR WAS THIS SEASON AGAIN. WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. IDK. SHES REAL THOUGH.

the moons an egg. give your head a fucking wobble, christ alive. help me god. help me please. its so funny. its like it could wokrk. theres bits of this episode i like. i like the concept of getting the entirety of mankind to vote on their phones for moon abortion. sorry its funny. but the moons an egg. help me. its getting heavier. YOU LIAR.

the whole lights thing too. like would this not only work on that side of the world. who is turning on and off the lights in the cities. whos doing this. help me

its so funny cuz the end of this is also very good its like theres a core to this that i really do fucking love i love claras blow up here and the way this is like the crescendo to everything thats been building up but help me you could have just . spent 10 minutes making it make sense. LOVE AND LIGHT

ep 8 - mummy on the orient express

yesss i like this episdoe (he says barely remembering this episdoe)

danny is so real. its crazy to me people call him whiny. he is literally the most reasonable man in existence. hes chill as fuck all things considered.

again my point abt ppl saying him and mickey are the worst. was mickey initially a great boyfriend, nah, he sucked and it was a lame relationship between two struggling not even 20 somethings. sorry. then rose went missing for a year and he AS HE SAYS was like prime suspect #1 and saw some insane shit that rocked his gourd. he was a pretty reasonable guy for someone that got eaten by a rubbish bin is what im trying to say.

hell yeah. we have the expert on the scary mummy omens thank you for giving us the exposition dump on the mummy

perkins is so pookie bear

whatever the fuck is going on with 12 and clara is insanity. its pure insanity.

the scary mummy awakens

you are NOT a mystery shopper >:(

help me god he says. i have ptsd. and the mummy is coming for me.

this is completely aside. clara looks utterly delicious in her fucking outfit. i think im going to

i actually did forget the resolution to this episode and it hits just right i shant lie.

OKAY end of ep. i fucking loved the middle i remember i loved it but i think the set up was a little slow going. my kind of fucking vibe all over.

can we keep perkins

perkins pleaAAASEEEE PERKINSSS COME ON. PERKINS WE LIKE YOUUUUUUUU PERKINSSSSSSS

[yandere-sins]

I have a question about yandere. Do yandere love themselves (love yourself)..cause I read that though they project their love and possessiveness to the object or someone borderline insanely and we get to know their thoughts about their darlings only. People say projecting those mostly possessiveness things is like projecting your insecurity. What about their thought process. What do they think about themselves in more in-depth.

And let's say if there was a darling who is true to herself with good emotional intelligence and knows how to deal with red flags especially the manipulative ones...how would the yandere deal with it.

Wow, I feel honored you would come to me, the sinful yandere gremlin, to ask these questions. I'm not sure if I have good answers to that, lol.

I guess, in the end, everything depends on your yandere definition. There are enough games/lore/etc. that have shaped the word into that of a person that's more or less lacking emotional stability/emotions at all. Only when they find their person (or, rarely, object) they will start to finally feel something inside of them again and only think about that darling, get obsessed with them. So basically, psychopath or sociopath that starts to only truly live once they have found what they were always looking (destined?) for.

However, I think here on Tumblr at least, we are pretty much set on the differences in yandere types like the possessive, obsessive, protective, etc. (If you want to look into those, I know @/yandere-daydreams has two posts or more about them. Just use the search option on their blog!) and those are just the supercategories we are basing the personalities on. If you have/create a yandere that is very confident, I don't see a reason why they wouldn't love themselves in varying degrees, except if you want that as their insecurity. I also don't see why an obsessed yandere with stalker tendencies shouldn't like themselves. Except, again, if you're going to use that as insecurity to justify their actions. I frequently write about a yandere!Bakugou who is so overly confident that he wants his darling to admire him, and I think in this case, it would be weird if he didn't like himself. That would ruin the character I built for him, though, of course, someone could interpret that as his insecurity showing.

Technically, you can handle yandere like you would with any other personality. I don't think it's unlikely either for a character who very much likes themselves to get upset because the thought of not being great enough to keep their darling's attention on them is sending them spiraling mentally. And possessiveness is not necessarily insecurity, even if it can come from insecurity. Likely, yes, not a must though. However, I am eyeing supernatural fanfiction here, but the possessiveness of a werewolf doesn't necessarily mean they are insecure.

For their in-depth thoughts, it somewhat comes down to: is the yandere aware of how bad they are behaving? Or are they delusional? Both minds would circle around their darling, but a delusional would refuse to see anything wrong with their treatment of their darling, while yandere who are aware will have a moral fight against themselves between what they want (keeping their darling and loving them) and laws, society, the knowledge about what is right. Both types of yandere have very chaotic thoughts, just in different ways. One might be absolutely in love with finally owning their darling and spending time with them, while the other dies inside whenever they think about what they did.

In the end, it's up to us who are thinking about the yandere how they see themselves. They could love themselves and stand behind what they are doing or not. However you choose their personality to play out. 'Yandere' alone does not make a complete personality, especially not if it's fanfiction. You'll always have to work with what you already have and turn it into something that makes sense for the characters. That's the great leeway we have with the fictional concept of yandere! So many possibilities!

As for the darling who's good at seeing the red flags: it also depends on the yandere. Some yans might be put off with not being accepted. Not to a point where they could let go of their darling and wishful thinking, but so that they remain an onlooker from the distance and stalker of the night. Realistically thinking, the best a darling can do is get a restraining order. However, I'd wager the yan is neither happy nor going to accept that. Not every yandere is physically or mentally strong enough to kidnap/threaten their darling though, so they do whatever they can, even if it never gets farther than being a nightly visitor at the window. However, even they might reach a breaking point on some occasion. Other yandere won't take 'no' for an answer at all. Like I said above, it really depends on the personality, character, and type. There's no way you can just put it all under one hat and call it done. Yandere doesn't have to be complex, but in my opinion, if you want to make it good, you have to think about it a bit deeper than just saying yandere is all the personality there is to them.

[electricea-archive]

———  BASICS  !

(PEN)NAME: I mainly go by Jassi - some people call me Jas.  I’m cool with whatever you want to call me, so long as it’s not rude.

PRONOUNS: I’m okay with people either referring to me as she/her or they/them.

ZODIAC  SIGN: Sagittarius/Scorpio cusp.

TAKEN  OR  SINGLE: Single and cool with it! What matters most to me is finding contentment with myself.  I’m in no rush to get into a relationship but I’m also the type of person to go with the flow.  Things can change in an instant but I’m happy with how things are right now.

———  THREE  FACTS  !

I used to do group RP’s primarily on Tumblr - I don’t even know if they’re really a thing anymore but in my early days, it was pretty fun and I met some cool people.

Among some of my jobs have been a call center, a pet store, a kindergarten class room, a retail store and a filing job.  My current two jobs are grocery and working at a movie theater.  I hope to someday work at a bookstore.

My favorite candies of all time are those little sour watermelons.  Can’t get enough of those.  I can’t stand those little Werthers candies - they just taste gross to me - I’ve never been big on a lot of ‘caramel’ or ‘butterscotch’ flavors.  The only caramel I like is in Caramilk bars and sometimes, I’m in the mood for butterscotch pudding.

———  EXPERIENCE  !

PLATFORMS USED: In the past, I used to use Chatzy fairly often which brings back some memories.  In my early days, I wrote on Bulbagarden and Habbo Hotel.  But right now, my two platforms of choice are mainly Tumblr and Discord.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE  !

GENDER: I would say male muses, more often than not - I wish I could point to any one concrete reason, but I just don’t resonate with a lot of female muses.  I write maybe one or two on Discord and they’re very infrequent.

LEAST FAVOURITE FACE(S): Dylan Everett - he’s a Canadian actor, who was on shows like Wingin’ It and Degrassi.  I don’t really have an issue with Dylan, moreso that one of my more horrible group experiences involved a particularly nasty mun roleplaying as a character that he played on Degrassi.  His character on the show was heavily speculated to be gay and canonically had depression.  This mun would take these headcanons to extreme, quickly having their muse become extremely attached to any male RP blog that would show them even the slightest hint of attention.  To any other muses, especially female ones - they were extremely nasty and had a habit of picking fights.  They would often treat other female muses in the group as their ‘love rivals’ and would often initiate threads with these muses, usually under the pretense of them hanging out or studying together, only for the thread to quickly spiral into complete insanity when they would begin threatening these female muses and writing their character holding knives to their throats simply for ‘standing in the way’.  OOC, their behavior was also completely wretched and they posted someone’s IP address over a petty dispute over Demi Lovato music.  Definitely ruined the faceclaim for me after that.

MULTI OR SINGLE: Single blog for now - I’ve speculated about doing another blog which is still very much a work in progress but I’m trying to take things slow because good things come to those who wait.  I’m often reluctant to go multi because I usually know Ryuji will win out and I won’t be able to divide attention evenly between the two.

———  FLUFF  /  ANGST  /  SMUT  !     

FLUFF: I love it - it’s like a warm hug and just what you need on a crappy or boring day.  I’m always in the mood for fluff.

ANGST: I do love my angst but sometimes angst that’s especially on the heavier side can be difficult for me to focus on.  You ever just get a little too much angst to the point where you want to write happy things instead? That’s me sometimes.  Angst is amazing but you have to be in the right mood or headspace for it.

SMUT: I’ve mentioned before that I’m okay with ‘fade to blacks’ or explicitly mentioning our muses have/had a sexual relationship.  Someone made a good point about focusing on the intimacy and the romance as opposed to just writing porn for the sake of the porn and I agree with that.

PLOT  /  MEMES: Definitely plot OOC but I can wing it as well.  I feel perfectly comfortable with sending people memes and initiating things via memes, though after a certain point, I do hope that will be reciprocated to some degree.  I’m also more than okay with receiving memes - ecstatic even! I’m grateful to every person who sends a meme.

TAGGED BY: @more-than-a-princess​ (Thanks!)

TAGGING: Honestly, whoever wants to try this! This was a really interesting questionnaire and I hope you were able to learn a thing or two about me! Now, I can’t wait to learn about you!

[shespeaksinsongs]

hey guys, my mom took away my phone so writing on this blog is going to become more infrequent for i don't know how long. explanation on why under the cut because i truly just need to vent.

tw: suicide attempt, mentions of suicide, mommy issues, physical abuse, emotional abuse

before i start, you should know that all of our arguments start out of something minor, and they always spiral out of proportion into a bigger thing. with that being said, i should begin.

so for the past few days i've been suffering with paranoia about the way i smell. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't which has led me to believe it's there somebody else or me. in any case, i was still worried because i wasn't sure if it was me or not.

today, when my mom picked me up i said hi and muted the call she was on momentarily to apologize to her for my smell, and i unmuted. intentional or not, after i unmuted, she said, in spanish,"did you put on deodorant?" and it bothered me because:

she likes to be messy, to start mess and drama.

she loves to embarrass me so that she can look like she's not uneducated.

for the reasons above, i wasn't sure if my mom had purposefully waited until the call was unmuted or not.

whatever the case was, i shrugged it off and just waited, until she hung up, listening to music with my airpods until then. we were on our way to pick up my sister and just a few minutes before we got to her school, she hung up and began talking to me.

the conversation went smoothly for a good rate or less than a minute until she asked me if i canceled my appointment with my psychologist (like she asked me to yesterday). she was going to take me to buy some winter clothes since i only have summer and very warm fall clothes because i'm going to new york on saturday (in four days). the reason i had to reschedule my appointment for next week is because tomorrow, wednesday, i have psats so i'll be tired to go shopping, thursdays i have work after school, and on friday i'm going to my friend's homecoming game with her. tuesday was the only free day i had.

so when she asked me if i canceled the appointment, i told her i did, because i did, the night before. my psychologist said it was okay and that she could schedule an appointment for us next week.

my mom got upset with me because i didn't tell her i rescheduled the appointment, even though if it works in my favor, and she asked me to do it, i think it's obvious that i was going to reschedule. she completely flipped out because i didn't tell her. okay, fine, another miscommunication on my part. she overreacted, but whatever, it's fine.

so, we go on with the carride. every minute she's reminding me that i have to be more responsible and tell her important things. she does this often and it drives me insane. every time i do something wrong, she constantly has to remind me over and over again that she's above me because she didn't make that mistake. to herself, she's perfect.

my sister gets in the car and my mom says she'll take me to the mall, but in a very rude way. so, i ask her if she's sure because she seemed like she didn't want to take me. she tells me yes, again, in a rude way. she repeats telling me that i'm irresponsible and i tell her that she's mentioned it more than five times already. she tells me she'll tell me however many times she wants and we drive off.

we're halfway to the mall and she threatens to just go home because i'm being rude. at this point, we're bickering back and forth about how "she hasn't done anything to me in my life" even though she has only been the most emotionally abusive mother i personally have ever seen. none of my friends' moms are like her.

she doesn't end up going back home and on two more occasions, threatens to take me home and even gets in the lane to go home instead of the one to go to the mall. why? because she told me that she would buy me "only what was completely necessary", and that everything had to go through her before i could buy anything.

now, if you don't know what my mom's style is, let me paint a picture for you: loft and ann taylor - middle-aged woman. that's basically what she wants me to wear.

at this point, i was wearing this:

and some high-waisted jeans. my school is a very liberated school, so they don't have a dress code.

she continues her point that i won't get anything that she doesn't like by saying that my sense of fashion is basically ugly, when she wears the same jeans all week, just in different colors.

anyways, she ends up driving me to the mall.

we're in the parking lot. i let a curse word slip out, which is not unusual for me because my dad encourages that we curse so as not to repress any anger. above anyone, he encourages that my sister curses, and she uses this to her advantage more than anyone else in the house. both my mom and i have expressed distaste for the frequency with which she curses, because she uses those words to intentionally hurt. in my case, i used it as a filler word. she hit my arm (which hurt) and told me not to curse.

i, tired of this bullshit and honestly not even caring if i freeze my ass off in new york, point out that she never hits my sister or yells at her for using curse words at me or her, even if it's used to hurt somebody, which wasn't what i was doing. this is the most classic argument we've had - the argument of whether or not she treats my sister better than me, which multiple family members, adults even, have argued for my side. still, my parents don't see it, and there's no point in arguing it if they'll never see it.

she ignores me and doesn't talk to me and tells me that i need to respect her. she brings out this tone which i hate. it's that soft speaking voice that is only used when you're trying to condescend someone. she almost made it sound like what i was arguing was laughable. in this tone, she tells me that i need to respect her.

so, i tell her this: "okay, mom. let's say you have a friend. you're always respectful to her and do what she asks you to do when she needs a favor. but she treats you like crap. respect goes both ways. you're a person and so am i. i should be demanding the same respect you demand, and my human rights do not just go out the window because you refuse to believe that parents and children deserve respect interchangeably."

then she says, "well, you're talking like a dog." and i literally don't know what to say. we keep going, still arguing, and i'm still listening to music, only turning it down when she says something because if it looks like i'm ignoring her she'll hit me.

i was thinking about a conversation i had a while ago with my cousin. he suggested that if my mom kept hitting me, to hit her back. i said i would not only feel bad about it, but get in a bunch of trouble for it. i gritted my teeth and clenched my fist, literally wishing i could just bite her or do something to her.

at some point, she goes to pull my hair for saying something, although i don't remember what it is. i, still in the mindset of wishing to hurt my mom back, kick her in the stomach immediately. i didn't mean to do it, but now that i think about it, i literally feel no remorse for doing so. she had touched me more than five points at that point, in just one day.

she tells me to stop and i look in the corner of my eye and she starts crying. i thought fuck this woman, cry all you want, it won't make me less abused, and it won't make you the victim. i felt like a sociopath watching her cry and feeling no empathy.

after about ten seconds from me noticing she was crying (her sunglasses were on), she pulls over on the side of the freeway and goes "give me your phone". so i say no.

she asks for it again, and i say no because she wasn't trying hard enough to understand where i was coming from. i know her past, and i know what she's come from. but i also know that it's not an excuse, by any mean, to birth two children into the world and not know how to raise them or nurture or love them the way a mother should.

we go back and forth and eventually i ask if she'll stop talking to me if i give her the phone. she doesn't answer, so i take a chance and hope she won't talk to me again. then she goes, "and your airpods". i refuse again, and she blames me for her parking on the side of the freeway and says "if a police officer sees me, you'll be in so much trouble." literally how the fuck would it be my fault? it's not like i forced her to pull over.

i give in, realizing she's not gonna stop because she never does. so i'm pissed at this point, because now not only has she taken away the one thing that only brings me pure joy (my airpods), but i have to listen to her poor selection of music for the thirty minutes back home.

we're going back home and i begin to think of the day i had. it's been somber for the most part. my friend's mom passed, and my spanish teacher, whom i care very much for, had a horrible week. so i begin to think of my friend, and wonder why i couldn't comfort her well enough and i come to the conclusion that, it's because her mom died. i wouldn't know what it's like to care about my mom. i'm great at comforting people, usually, and if it were her dad, i would've been able to help. instead, i awkwardly stood there, not knowing what to say because i literally hate my mom.

she says something and i burst. not into tears, into words. two years ago, i was going to kill myself. i tell her that i wasn't going to tell her before because she didn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing she's been satan for me, but i finally told her that, when i was going through a tough time, the main component of my suicidal thoughts were her. i know words hurt. and i know this hurt her. but you have to understand that, in this moment, all i wanted was to hurt her. i wanted to cut deep. so i kept going. i told her that a few weeks ago, my dad told me, "you're just like your mother" and i cried for days. i admitted to her that my worst fear on planet earth is becoming like her - cold, emotionless, and stoic. a cotton ball has more empathy than my mom.

she responded with the most half-assed comments i have ever heard come from her.

"well, good! don't kill yourself over me, kill yourself over something else, but not me."

"you don't even know my mom." (she has hearing issues, and as a result, she doesn't understand what i say half the time.)

something along the lines of "stop being dramatic." which is what she used to tell me until i officially got diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

the night i was going to kill myself, i burst out into tears and ran to my parents' room. i was watching the glint of the knife from the kitchen, but was surrounded by darkness all around. the lights were off, and at this moment, while we were renovating the house, the light switches were yet to be put in, so i could not turn on or off the lights.

back then, one of my biggest fears was the dark. i embrace it now, of course, but because i was scared, i ran to my parents' room and sobbed into my dad's arms for hours nonstop. my mom literally sat there and said the most unhelpful things i have ever heard. perhaps she was trying, but the things she said go to show how much she lacks empathy. i would've been better off if she'd remained mute for those next few hours.

anyways, we got home after another few minutes, and she remained with my phone and airpods. she opened the trunk for my sister and i to get our backpacks and lunchboxes out, and drove off, i'm not sure where to.

my sister and i got in the house and i greeted my dog (she's an indoor puppy), cleaned up her poop and pee, and sat down to pet my dog. i felt tears coming up multiple times since i'd entered the house and asked my sister to go upstairs to her room because i wasn't feeling well, and she was on her phone in the dining room, not eating.

she went upstairs, and i cried on every square inch of downstairs. my dog comforted me, but it wasn't enough, so i, without phone and not able to text my friend for help, popped some popcorn and went upstairs with it and my dog to watch girlfriends, one of my favorite shows.

i stopped myself every time i got close to crying. at some point, i got tired of watching the show and set a timer on my google home for an hour so i could just go to sleep.

i slept for a good bit, until my mom came in, disrupting my sleep and asking me why i had an absent for my first period. i told her to ask dad, clearly sleeping. she insisted, and i didn't want to talk, but i had no choice. that morning my dad, sister, and i saw the worst traffic in the world. we left at a good time, and got to school over an hour later than we were supposed to get there.

she didn't believe me, so she went to her room and called my dad on speaker phone, with the door open, so i couldn't sleep. he verified my story and she quieted down soon, and i fell back asleep. then, i woke up again to her literally screaming at the top of her lungs to my dad on the phone. she had her door open, but i was so exhausted, that i decided to just wait for her to be done screeching until i went back to sleep. i went back to sleep shortly after. then, she woke me up for the last time and told me to get up and get ready because i was at a party with my aunt, and she had covid. i got ready again (i had pajamas on at this point), and when i went downstairs, she said "nevermind. there's only a spot for one person to get tested." during all this time, my one-hour alarm had not gone off. meaning that she interrupted me sleep schedule three times in the matter of an hour.

my dad was home, so i asked him to get my phone and airpods back. when i went into the garage (he was in the car, about to drive away), i asked for my stuff and he went, "did you kick your mom?" and i tried to explain everything that happened, but he cut me off and went, "okay. no phone for you, then." and left. i slammed the door, literally channeling all of my anger into it, and went upstairs to my room.

i cried for a few minutes on and off. i didn't know what to say. i just began cursing my grandma's death (who died while my mom was twelve), because i'm sure if she hadn't passed away, my mom would've been a good mother.

i tried to go back to sleep, but ultimately came to the decision that there was no way i was going to sleep.

my mom is getting tested right now. i honestly don't know what i would react if she got covid. i don't know if i would care. i'm praying that this doesn't sound like i'm crazy to you guys. ii just hope you can understand that there are things she's done that i don't say on here because even i don't want to speak of them.

i hope this doesn't make you look at me in a different light, and if it does, i'm so sorry.

thank you for reading thus far. hopefully, i have a better day tomorrow. goodnight. <3

[fuckinglovemanga]

Yes, I hate Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist.

Ok this is a bit random for my blog but I just have to say this shit somewhere cause since I first saw this film last year I have yet to find anyone with my take on it who has reviewed it.

Ok so a common criticism of this movie is that it’s misogynistic. And it definitely is. But not for the surface level reasons that people seem to think. I don’t see a lot of people trying to engage with the thematic core of the film. Lots of feminists have criticized it for depicting fgm but it goes way deeper than just that. The reviews I have seen seem to take one of two routs: 1) This film is a masterpiece of cinema, a mystery that we will never know the answer to or 2)The film is weird and gross and I don’t like it.

Nature

So what’s the movie about? Well, here’s my interpretation, and I think it makes quite a bit of sense given what the Trier presents us with. I think this film is trying to make a statement about “human nature”, and the nature of men and women. Eve’s road towards insanity begins when she prioritizes her orgasm over her child. That starts a downward spiral of insanity, which culminates in her castrating her husband, and then herself. This demonstrates an inability to reconcile a woman’s sexual desires with her motherly instinct. Also, the famous scene in which Eve becomes “one with the green” is symbolic of her letting her natural instincts take over. What follows is her spiraling into insanity and acting completely irrationally while her husband’s attempts to reason with her fail. So women= irrational and men=rational. And then Adam sees a fox that tells him “chaos reigns”. In the end of the movie, chaos (aka the natural instincts of humans) does end up taking over, as Adam kills Eve by burning her (we’ll come back to that). If all that talk of humans’ biological instincts reminds you a bit of Freud, that’s intentional. The film namedrops him at some point, saying that he has been debunked. However, the film’s narrative seems to be in support of his ideas. Unless of course the whole thing is being sarcastic. We’ll come back to that too.

Witches

During Adam and Eve’s stay in the cabin, Eve is working on a paper on the burning of witches, which she calls “Gynocide”. For context, there are a number of academic writings, most notably Silvia Federici’s “Caliban and The Witch” claiming that the witch hunts were in a way, the beginning of modern misogyny, as they set traditional gender roles in stone by marking everything women did that wasn’t related to breeding and child rearing as immoral and “satanic”. The witch, as a figure in our culture, represents a woman out of line, grotesque, insane, the opposite of what a woman ideally should be. Not only is the witch infertile (old, unattractive and generally disgusting), she also murders babies (see?) and uses their blood in satanic rituals that allow her to fly. The broom is a symbol of domesticity used in a twisted and unnatural way. I think it’s safe to say that, within the contest of “Antichrist”, Eve is the witch. As the name Eve suggests, the character is meant to be an avatar for all women, her witchiness an underlying element of all women. But Trier doesn’t present this in such a one- dimensional fashion.

Eve’s internal struggle

Eve seems to have two sides to her. Her sexuality is demonstrated as contradictory to her motherhood, a contradiction she herself cannot reconcile. She hates herself for putting her sexuality over her child. In fact, the sheer amount of self- hatred leads her to cut her own clitoris. Notably, she says: “The witches deserved to die”. Now, this is where the core of the film’s misogyny lies. Trier is projecting his own misogyny onto the character of Eve. It is men who are unable to reconcile sexuality with motherhood, because they perceive women in general based on their perception of their mother. Preforming fgm on women, is a result of the patriarchy, of man’s desire to castrate women, to remove their sexual pleasure, in order to control them. There never were any witches, men created the concept of the witch, and killed millions of innocent women in the process. Eve’s self hatred doesn’t make sense if we go with this interpretation, as it’s not internalized misogyny. It comes from her, not from male influence. Essentially, Trier absolves himself of misogyny by projecting it onto his female character.

Freud

So, the reason why Freud’s theories are no longer considered legitimate is because they take societal things (such as women's’ desire to escape a misogynistic society by adopting male social roles) and attribute it to “nature” (women have a subconscious desire for a penis in order to sexually subjugate their mother the same way their father does). Freud took social roles for granted and tried to explain them with some bonkers conflict between instincts (id) and society (superego). But humans’ biological instincts are a load of bullshit, as they have are not acknowledged by sociologists and social anthropologists, and there is zero scientific proof for their existence. This narrative is actually pretty dangerous because it leads us to believe that opressive social roals are fundamentally unalterable, a product of nature. 

Conclusion

The film ends with a bunch of modern women walking in the woods after Adam’s burning of Eve. The whole thing is meant to signify that, after Adam and Eve followed their “natural” paths, the modern woman was born. And the critics gasp “Oh my how unbelievably deep and profound”. So, as I have hopefully demonstrated, it is none of the above. Rather, it’s shallow, stupid and dangerous in terms of its messaging. But is Trier trolling everybody and being sarcastic throughout the whole film? He did say he enjoyed seeing people get angry at the film. I did some digging, and fond out that Trier actually wrote the film during a time of depression, while he was struggling with various mental illnesses. That doesn’t seem like a state of mind that produces a sarcastic work for trolling the masses. Also, the filmmaking echoes serious emotion to me.  But hey, I don’t know. In fact, we’ll never know. But I had to say all this, someone had to. We must redeem the witches.

[vannahfanfics]

Bro I know I just posted about this on my blog but bro... Villain Sero... like it's just *chefs kiss* idk if you write head cannons for villain versions of bnha characters but if you can that'd be super cool! You can do anything with it really, like aging up Sero and making him leader of a syndicate or by making him the UA traitor and the headcanon could be how it'd happen or the everyone would react! Do what you want, I respect your decision if you decline, have a lovely day Vee! I love you! 💖

~rubs hands together with an evil grin~ Yesh... Villain Sero... I’ve been wanted to dive into villain/traitor/vigilante theories and AUs for a hot minute now... Thank you for requesting, Sunny! <3 Fair warning, these turned out SO ANGSTY. My heart aches for Hanta. TT.TT 

Villain!Hanta Sero Headcanons

Hanta is definitely not someone you want on your bad side. The young man seems to be all goofy smiles and lackadaisy, but beneath it all, there’s a fierce, roaring tenacity oh-so-carefully subdued... So what were to happen if this unbridled pride and ferociousness were to be focused on nefarious means?

First, we have to address what could steer Hanta to villainy. Honestly? I can think of one thing and one thing only: Denki dying right in front of him. 

Hear me out here; it’s clear that these two are best buds, peas in a pod, close as brothers. Hanta would become unhinged if his best friend were to tragically lose his life, especially as a result of the great war waging between heroes and villains right now. Hanta wouldn’t be able to cope with the idea that heroes are just expendables mean to an end, tools for the governing body to impose their senses of justice on the masses. 

Hanta’s mind would literally shatter and he’d spiral into an uncontrollable bloody rage. When he'd wake up, he’d be far away, soaked in blood- no idea who’s. There were a lot of things he wouldn’t know at the moment, aside from two things: he couldn’t go back now, and he didn’t want to. 

Hanta would stay underground for a while. His friends would come looking for him, of course, trying to talk reason and drag him back while he still had the chance for redemption, but he’d avoid them. They were his friends once, after all, and he doesn’t want to fight them. Eventually, he’d half-heartedly spar with them, trying to convince them of his way of thinking. When it’s clear to him that he can’t change their minds, Hanta decides that they’re too far gone, and he has to save them from this life of corruption. If they die in his efforts, well... Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good, right?

Mina takes it the hardest. She makes it her personal mission to seek him out and either reform him or destroy him. It’d get to the point of self-destructive because she’d come at Hanta staggering on her feet only barely conscious, dripping blood all over the melted pavement. Always, Eijirou and Katsuki would swoop in for the rescue, and it always makes Hanta think that maybe if he’d just gotten to Denki a little bit faster, things wouldn’t have turned out this way. But they did, and Hanta had to live with that. 

 His new ideology, the painful weight of his own failure, and the burden of “saving” his friends slowly would drive Hanta insane. He’d grow bolder, actively seeking out small-time heroes and trainees for unprovoked fights, and critically injuring many. He wouldn’t kill them if he can help it; that’s not the point. He wants them to live, to see how they’re just thrown to the side as broken tools by an uncaring state. He wants them to feel how he felt when he was told to abandon Denki’s lifeless body and keep fighting... Like his best friend was just trash in the way. 

Hanta’s always been a personable, charismatic guy, so attracting a group of like-minded fellows is honestly a cakewalk. Once the news gets clips of him spouting his revolutionary drivel on the air, they come flocking out of the shadows. Hanta would interview them to ensure that their ideologies aligned; he couldn’t have blood-thirsty maniacs tarnishing the name of his political crusade, now. If they fall short of his expectations, he'll them on the spot. Just because he wants the downfall of the current hero society didn’t mean he wants the more radical, chaotic villains to run amok. 

Campaigning a political upheaval requires a lot of funds. Hanta finds his niche in smuggling contraband, specifically hard drugs like cocaine and heroin. The secondary violence surrounding such an enterprise is unfortunate, but he abhorrs the idea of smuggling weapons or engaging in human trafficking because he still has some shred of regard for human life. At least, that’s what he tells himself when he looks in the mirror, finding that the grinning, light-hearted boy Denki respected so much has morphed into the hard, unforgiving grimace of a criminal. 

Hanta’s business enterprise evolves into a massive syndicate. He becomes one of the world’s most wanted, having to constantly dodge Interpol, pro heroes, and the Japanese military and police. Within a decade of watching his friend die in his arms and being cast aside like his sacrifice meant nothing, Hanta eventually is good and ready to take on the world as they know it with nothing but a charming grin, a silver tongue, and an army to back him. That means taking on the cohort of top pro heroes that he’d once called comrades, but hey, it’s just all in how the cookie crumbles, now isn’t it? 

The world let his best friend die, and Hanta just isn’t going to stop until he saw it burn to ashes, or he dies trying. 

[black-streak]

Waiting for the Worms- In the Flesh.

Part 16

No editing, we die like men: ill prepared and confused. Did I read this over even once before posting? Nope.

Warnings back fully into effect. Have triggers? Just go ahead and avoid this. Don't want to spoil anything, so I wont say which, but guys, you've seen my other chapters for this. You know better.

This was actually fun to write with my weird view point that's both in the moment and yet so disconnected.

CLOSED list of hooligans: @northernbluetongue @thethirdwheelfriend @shizukiryuu @theatreandcomicfreak @michellemagic @karategirl119 @moonlightstar64 @my-name-is-michell @mystery-5-5 @zalladane @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @miraculousdisapointment @dorkus-minimus @jardimazul @allthebooksandcrannies @g-arya @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @persephonescat @mycupisbroken @luciferge @18-fandoms-unite-08 @dawnwave16 @alwaysreblogneverpost @kris-pines04 @mysteriouslyswimmingfan-blo-blog @weird-pale-blonde-person @you-will-never-know-how-i-think @kokotaru @naclychilli @slytherinhquinn @clumsy-owl-4178 @ladybug-182 @darkthunder1589 @evil-elf16 @dast218 @lysslovsanime @emilytopaz @naoryllis @iloontjeboontje @thepeacetea @danielslilangel @finallyaniguana @i-like-fairytail-and-stuff @vixen-uchiha @yuulxd @bleeding-heart-romantic @magic-inthe-stars @st0rmy-w1th1n

~---~

Following Damian back into the living room, she saw the group all gathered around their phones, whispering amongst themselves. Approaching soundlessly, she peeked over Juleka's shoulder, catching sight of the screen at the same time Jason did. 

The Joker. He had escaped Arkham once more and now held a broadcast, obviously attempting to get the attention of the Batman. Apparently he set up a new game for them to play. To make matters worse, the prize for winning? The return of Robin. A young looking boy in a different form of the Robin suit was shown for only a moment, glaring at the camera in his face. The timer was set and the broadcast cut. 

That location, it was far closer to their own location than the Wayne manor. Bruce wouldn't make it. It was her and Jason all over again. 

Jason.

Turning on her heel, she took a deep breath and swallowed hard to settle the anger rising in her throat and took command.

"Damian, see to Jason, keep him calm. The pit is about to take hold," she spoke calmly, Damian nodded and lead the taller man away as she turned towards the group watching her every move, "I'm setting out. Jason is likely to come with me. You'll watch over Damian in my absence. I do not expect any of the kwamis to wish to transform with me, but if you decide to, you'll need to be morally ambiguous unlike Tikki or Plagg. Neither of us will be held back or redirected. You'll have to accept whatever comes of this," looking away from the kwamis and to the bristling teens in front of her, she hardened her gaze, "Unless one of you has experience with the Lazarus Pits and their effects, you will stay away from either of us or that building. Judging by the gasps I hear from the kwamis, they will enforce this for me if you decide not to heed my words."

Stalking into her room once more, she started to drag out bags, open compartments in drawers, pull off seemingly decorative pieces from the walls. Longg approached her carefully from the side.

"I will transform with you. The others would feel more comfortable if one of you were superpowered and I'm morally gray unlike the main set."

Nodding, she took his piece carefully, "I need you to make my suit stealthy. I will not be caught due to bright colors."

"The suit will match your will," he reassured.

Transforming, she took in the multiple shades of grey and black lining her body in waves, selective holding pouches hidden within the fabric. Placing her knives about her body, she found a retractable bladed staff along her thigh. Perfect, one less large piece to carry. 

Grabbing a mask, she slipped out to find Jason mostly calm. Taking his hand in hers, she led him to the bathroom and handed him his own clothes back from the league missions.

"He won't be transforming?" Marc inquired.

"His body is more riddled with madness. It's less than it would be had his soul been dipped as mine has, but I've had time to tame and curb the insanity. He hasn't. Add superpowers to the mix?"

"He'll level a city," Plagg spoke up.

"Exactly."

"And you're taking him with you?" Kagami growled out, obviously against the idea.

"Would you rather I leave him here so he can accidently kill one of you and hate himself for the rest of his life? Besides, he has no attachment towards Damian yet. I'm not risking it," her tone brokered no arguments and Jason emerged in that moment. He immediately went into her room and pulled out a gun from her side drawer, muscle memory letting him navigate the place as his own. He put it in the holster on his thigh and went towards her equipment, still out and waiting for him, sifting through until he found a larger set of machetes, grabbing them and a second mask before rejoining her at the window to the fire escape. With just a glance towards the other they knew their minds were in sync.

"Damian, stay and watch them," Jason ordered, the kid nodding at his given mission, turning towards the team with crossed arms. 

With that, they climbed out and took off across the rooftops.

…

The run went by in a blur of motion neither could remember. Now they crouched on the edge of the building the Joker was supposedly in, scoping out the entrances. She could feel Jason practically vibrating at her side and traced spirals along his spine to keep him mentally in place.

"Shhh, focus on my instructions Jason. Those voices aren't as important as our own," she murmured, finding an unguarded door. The idiot never used obvious doors, so of course the clown wasn't focused on them as much as the windows, basement and roof access. The door she found looked like an old employee entrance, easily overlooked. 

"Jay?" Before she could finish the inquiry, he moved forward and picked the lock, letting them in, keeping in front of her.

"Based on the lighting in that video, I'd guess they're keeping him further up. What do you think?"

"Likely midway up, seventh or eighth level."

They skirted their way up staircases, quietly knocking out anyone they found on their way up. Occasionally they stopped to practice deep breaths, as the further up they went, the more vivid the green in their eyes glowed. Both could sense the impending catalyst and tried to press the insanity back. They wanted this to be on their own terms.

At about the sixth level, Jason found himself having to hold Mari back, having almost torn out a guys throat for simply struggling too much in the takedown. 

"Not worth it. Not yet."

Breathing heavily, the voices dropped back to reasonable levels, allowing their continued movement. Mari found herself meditating as they went, recentering herself. One of them had to stay fully self aware and she knew it had to be her. Jason needed someone to watch out for him in his first true rush, not to panic in the middle when no one could hold them back. She would be there the way Talia had been for her. As Damian normally was.

At the ninth floor, they found their target.

Marinette felt borderline insulted at the difference in treatment.

The current Robin was swinging upside down, bound in rope and gagged. 

They had been chained to an operation table, beaten to a pulp with every moment too long the bat took. This boy didn't even have a guard on him. Sure, there were boobytraps set all over the damn place that they painstakingly dismantled one at a time, but even still. Not a scratch on the kid's face. Shaking the thought, Mari chided herself. Her anger was reserved for the people who put them in this situation, not some boy that was obviously dragged into the adults' personal issues. She knew when they escaped and the madness leveled out, relief for his unharmed state would course through her like a tidal wave. For now, she felt contempt and resignation. When the last trap finally fell apart, they heard his voice.

"Batsy! So you finally decide to show on time for one of your pretty birds?" It called, still not in view.

Jason bristled in her peripheral and she yanked him around quickly to focus in on her, aware of the hanging kid's eyes trained on them.

"Save Robin. He can't. He won't. We know this. Do what he didn't for us. Save. Him."

Jason's pupils blew under the mask and a growl tore from his throat as he turned towards the masked child, letting the anger direct itself into righting the injustice done unto him.

Marinette turned back towards the voice, creeping forward, bladed staff withdrawn and extended. She watched its shadow as it twisted along the walls. Finally, it turned the wrong corner and she slammed the side of the staff against him, letting the staff glide along their body as they were forced back, the tip catching their chest and opening a gash through his suit.

Joker jolted, gasping and confused, "You're not Batsy."

A feral grin grew upon her face, "No, but I'm so much more fun, wouldn't you say?" she activated wind dragon, blowing him further back across the room until he stumbled and fell onto his back. He quickly grabbed up a device and smiled maniacally, holding it up to view, starting a spiel about what it would do if he pressed this particular button, blah blah blah. She wasn't here for his rambling. Activating electric dragon, she launched herself into the device, shorting it out into a useless hunk of metal. Reappearing in front of him, she drew out her blades, only to hear quiet feet land in the room over. 

"And what exactly did you have in mind, girly?" He asked, licking at the corner of his mouth in a weird tic sort of a way. 

Placing a grin to rival his own across her face, she tilted her head, "It is not what I'll do that should concern you. Rather, what I'll allow him to do," she watched annoyed confusion flicker across the clownesque features as Jason appeared at her side, a second set seeming to approach her from behind. Reaching back, one hand grabbed a thin shoulder in a harsh grip to keep the kid in his place, the other went to her side to grip a broad shoulder in a more crushing grip to keep Jason from moving too soon. She turned and looked into masked, violently green eyes.

"Do you want to?" A nod. "Will you regret it?" A shake. "Will you take back your mind when it's over?" Another nod. "He's all yours, Bird. Get it out of your system, find me when you're done." A growl.

She let go and turned towards the kid, bodily backing him up into the other room, out of view.

"You don't want to see this."

"Who are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"No, I'll figure it out either way. Be nice if you made it easy though."

"Hmm, how does one become a Robin? Oh yeah, the previous one either leaves or dies."

"You don't mean," the kid's eyes widen.

"He shouldn't of allowed another one. Isn't one child dying for his cause enough?"

"It's not like that," he grew defensive.

"Isn't it though? Whether you wanted it or not, if anything happens to you, it's because he decided another child could fight actual murderers."

"That's beside the point, I need to stop them," he tried to push past her only for her to activate wind dragon and pick him straight up and out of the building to another rooftop, letting him go at the top, though grabbing his grapple as she reformed.

"Do you recognize this part of the city?"

"What are you doing? Let me back in there," he sounded panicked.

"Breath, little bird. Do you recognize where we are?"

"I- yes. I recognize it."

"Do you know how far it is from Wayne Manor?"

"What does that-" he attempted playing dumb.

"Do you?"

"Of course I do!"

"I know you do. You're a smart little bird. Very well learned. You know how long it takes to get here from the Manor as well don't you? And what time the broadcast went up?"

The kid's face darkened, and while he obviously didn't want to admit it, he could obviously make the calculations.

"He wouldn't have made it on time."

"It was on purpose. Joker wants to remind him of his greatest failure," the teen, she realized, rationalized.

"Batman isn't the only one Joker reminded. People don't take kindly to reminders of their dying day."

"So you two are?"

"Undead? In a funny way, yes. And absolutely riddled with destructive insanity."

"You don't seem it."

"I've had time to repress it. Learn control and stability. Him, not so much. This is his first relapse. There's no preventing it. Only directing it. I figure taking out an actual child murderer, who has tortured and ended the life of hundreds, including the sick and dying would be an alright outlet."

"It's immoral."

"We both know the only reason Bruce won't kill is that he wouldn't stop once he started. He'd lose control entirely. It's nothing to do with morality. Otherwise he wouldn't turn a blind eye to the select hits Alfred made in his time."

"How do you know so much?"

"How do you?"

"I figured it out on my own and decided for him."

"Very clever of you. But you didn't decide for him, he let you and took advantage of your determination. I'm sure in more ways than this one." She picked his arguments apart, remembering the way Talia detached Damian from herself. She didn't like the idea of manipulating a kid into disowning his own family, but a toxic situation was still toxic. She'd contact Alfred later to get back in touch as well as a better read on the situation.

As the teen became frustrated once more, he moves towards her to get back his gear only for Jason to drop next to them, breathing heavily with blood dripping down his arms and from the blades across his back, down onto his legs and the ground surrounding.

He seemed to slowly come back from the insanity, leaning into her, "I killed him. Fuck, I killed him," he gasped. 

Marinette reached up and stroked his head in soothing motions.

"It's okay, Jay, it's okay. He deserved it. You hate taking another's life and feel the weight of it, but it wasn't a life that was regrettable to end," she whispered, remembering the words that assuaged her own guilt.

"The-the Joker is dead?" The teen before them whispered.

Jason peeked up at the little Robin before them, the green sparking for another moment, "He made another? Replaced us? The mantle should have died when you did. Dick should have stopped him," he groaned out, hatred and fear pulsing in waves.

"Oh shit, you're the last Robin. Jason," the teen's breath caught, half in awe, half dread.

"Yeah, the last. Why? You shouldn't be here," his voice quivered.

Mari handed the grappling gear back over, looking him directly in his hidden eyes, "I know you're going to tell him Jason's back. That he killed the Joker. I'm sure you'll even mention me. But I'm sure he'll notice our own message."

"And what would that be?"

"We were the ones to save you. Not him. Let me know if you ever need an escape from that nightmare."

With that, she lead Jason away, having heard his breathing even out and calm moments before.

"Let's go home," she whispered in his ear, getting a soft nod and taking off back across the roofs.

[rhythm-catsandwine]

It started Sunday night.

Warning: Emotional abuse, trauma, divorce, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, finance instability, and possible other triggers. 

Read with caution!

Do not re-blog, please!

This is what I’m dealing with right now.

Replies about this are welcome as you know some of my story. You know who I am and the low support in areas that I desperately need it. I will be going home soon and may not be able to respond.

My father has always, been mentally unstable. He is an asshole. He is a narcissist. Sunday evening I got a voice male from my father saying that “the time to get out is now! Covid is on the move. Call me.” This man has extremely high expectations. He has no control over some aspects of his life. So he tryes to control others. When I got that message I cryed for over an hour. I had a gut feeling the last time I saw him that he was about to have a downwards spiral. That he would be in a manic state. Thankfully I was able to talk to someone. 

Then Monday morning I was informed by my mother that my father “Has gone bat shit crazy.” This triggered me to go into a very stressed state. I have no clue what could happen. He could just snap and take the car I got from inheritance money from his parents away. He could yell at me for no reason. Later that day I answered his call. I told him of my plan to get my medical massage certificate. He liked that plan and offered help if I needed it. He was becoming irrational. He suggested that I don’t get a hotel room. That I go to a truck stop and find a well lit area and sleep in my car. I could then get a day pass at a gym to shower and such. I agreed cus that is something I am tempted to do when I travel. I have my conceal and carry weapon permit. Please keep any negative comments about gun control to yourself, you don’t want to mess with me on this!  I am not I would barrow a gun and use it to defend myself if I needed. Keep in mind I am only 4ft 9in. Someone could overpower me. 

Then Tuesday the shit hit the fan. I had a horrible feeling in my gut all day. Then on my way home I got a text from my mother. “can you come by this evening” I stopped at the liquor store to get a bottle of wine. So I texted her back that I could before I left the parking lot. Driving home I felt sick to my stomach. I have no clue what I’m walking into when I get messages like this. I do not know if it will be good or bad, simple or complex. When I got to my mothers house she told me that she can’t take dealing with my father anymore. She was going to ask for a divorce. I did cry but not for the reason you think. This is me admitting I think of ending my life everyday. I’m not in the best place mentally as so many of us are due in largely to the pandemic. I cried due to that and the shock this was actually happening. My mother told me she already moved all the guns to my grandparents house. They only live 4 miles away. Lucky I know!! She said he had gone insane and off the deep end. Then what upset me the most is how my father is treating my bother and his family. I think it was 8 years ago give or take a year that my parents bought a house. The house was on the corner of our block. Not much distance separated the two houses. Why? My nephew is autistic. He is non-verbal and has a high need of support. We moved them close so we could them out. The house was bought off the courthouse steps. It needed numerous repairs. I have good memories of helping my sweet grandparents fix it up. We all thought this is it we have this perfect little “compound” My sister-in-law would drive my nephew to his school everyday. My brother works hard. My niece is shy but smart. My sister in law could not get a job due to driving the nephew to and from school. She is now coding for a hospital. She found a way to get a job and still take care of her family. My father has always been disappointed no mater how good you are. No matter how hard my brother tried my father was always upset with them. He made mountains out of mole hills.  

Now you have a bit of a back story. My father told my brother that he had a week to get out. Then he changed his mind and gave them a day. He sent horrible, horrible messages to them. He was irate for no reason. He made up things to get mad at them for. So now some of my favorite people in the world were already packing. They, will be able to live at my sister in laws parents if needed. My niece may not be able to attend the school in our tiny town. When they moved here she came out of her shell. She is still very introverted like myself. She had a sense of humor, and is talented in art and drumming. My nephew started to grow too. 

I’m sick to my stomach. I’m scared for the people I care about. I’m scared for my life. I have no clue how this will end. My mother still hasn't broke the news to my father about the divorce. I do my father will get physically violent , but he could. 

Like I said my father could take away my car at any second. I know my grandparent would offer one of their vehicles in a heartbeat. 

Everything is unstable for me. My father could come home at any time and yell at one of us. 

He has treated to call the police on my brother if he talks to my mother. 

I think I covered everything. I had to get the words out . 

I’m scared , stressed, anxious.

This man is ruining my niece’s and nephew’s lives. 

My heart rate is through the roof. I’m shaking most of the time. 

I am not okay at all. I know everything will be alright. But at the same time I know of and live by Murphy's law. 

I can barely eat. I barely got food in this morning. I simply can not eat dinner.

[dangan-happy]

(Mom said it's my turn to steal the ahoges!)

(TW- S/H, Suicidal Thoughts) Hi, it’s, the person, who got blocked everywhere and ghosted by their friend. If I can see Kiibo and Makoto again, please? It’s okay, if you two can’t do it, I really wouldn’t mind if, anybody heard me out. I hope, the person I’m referring to doesn’t see this ask, since they’re the one who told me, to use this blog if I was ever upset. I didn’t expect to send anything, here again, but, I’m sort of, not getting any better, I think, maybe I’m getting worse, I can’t tell really.

Haha, well, I’ll say, I tried to, ask them if we could talk, and I got blocked again, without a response. That hurt. I sucked up, the courage, to talk to them, and I just got, shut down - Which, made me worse, a lot worse.

It’s hard, I don’t know what I did, why it happened, why they, don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know, why I turned to self-harm these past few days either, it’s the first time I’ve done it and I keep, doing it, and I feel, really pathetic, about it. I’m dealing with this, so horribly, and they’re not even bothered, they’re, absolutely fine. Which maybe, sort of hurts, they dropped me, so easily, like I meant nothing to them - even though, they said they’d never go, I really believed I would, have a future with them, or something.

It’s hard, and I think, no matter how much time passes, I’ll never get over it, they were, so special to me, they made me feel, like I meant something to them, and then they just, left me, so easily. I told them, all my insecurities, I told them about my mom- I came to them when I was hurt and they always, helped me, and maybe, I’ve never, hurt so much, and I can’t go to them, this time, because I guess, they don’t want anything to do with me.

I’ve been, contemplating committing - which sounds pathetic, and probably is pathetic. I probably won’t, but - I can’t tell, at this point, my mood, has really spiralled, and I’m scared, I’ll never get better. Well, there is nothing, in my house, I could use. I sort of hoped, I would starved or dehydrate myself to death, but, I decided against it, three days in.

It should be easy, to just, move on - I thought it would be, but it just, isn’t, I still, love them, they said, I was theirs, and they were mine, now I’m sort of, just here, crying, non-stop, and contemplating, death. I can’t, ask to go to Therapy, my dad is, homophobic, and doesn’t, understand; fair enough, I don’t understand why I’m so, emotional either. He’ll call me insane, once he sees, what I’ve done to myself, again. My friends, are trying to help me, and it’s okay, for a time, then it just, goes back to that, heart shattering pain again.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe, a solution, maybe an alternative to cutting. But, I don’t know, if much, can make me feel better.

Sorry, for all the commas, I just start using them more, when I’m upset. Thanks for, hearing me out, I hope, I’m around to see your reply, thank you. It means a lot to me that you have taken it upon yourselves to hear, our struggles - thank you.

Sorry that this is so late anonymous, I’ll be honest, I was at a loss for words of what to say. This is a hefty thing you’re going through.

 I think, since you just got blocked again, it’s best that you focus on the future & moving on.. I know that it’s difficult & probably something you don’t want to do, but blocking is affecting you directly..

To hear that you want to commit…. I can’t express how much that scares me. It’s definitely not the answer, you should never turn to that as a solution. It’ll only solve something permanently & I’m sure there are so many people around you that would miss having you around, including myself & I’m sure Kiibo would agree. It’s unfortunate that you can’t seek therapy, but honestly, that’s the thing you should be able to get while you’re in this mindset. It’s not fair of your dad to refuse you that right to get help..

I’m glad you have friends that are able to help you in some way, even if it’s for a minimal amount of time, but it’s difficult to replace help from a professional. I’d like to say that harming yourself won’t do anything to help, it’ll only fuel your desire to do it over & over again, that much I can assure you. Perhaps having a rubber band on your wrist & snapping it against your wrist to distract you from the pain may help, I’ve heard of people doing that..

Either way, it’s ok. You don’t need to apologize for using commas or anything else, you have a valid reason to be upset. I’d like to remind you that you're loved, even if it doesn’t feel like it, I know you are.. And my hope will be something I’ll lend to you so you can regain the confidence to believe in the future again. You deserve happiness anonymous..