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hyunnieshannie · 1 year

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Chapter 16: Indignindad. Series Master list | General Master list

Word Count: 4k

General Warnings: Strong Language, so much angst, homophobia, suicidal ideology, Felix isn't trans BUT people make transphobic comments towards him, mentions of abuse.

Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction, this does not represent the idols mentioned in any way.

A/N: oh god im so sorry... please forgive me for what we've done with this.. i was so... i had to.. ya know..? Felix I'm so fucking sorry. Changbin I'm so so sorry forgive me my beloved boys - Mini

Felix fidgets with his clothes as Changbin drives calmly through his neighbourhood. “You look fine Lix, I promise.” Felix sighs as he finishes adjusting his hair in the mirror before turning to Changbin who looked completely calm. They pull into a driveway and step out of the car. Felix stops at the mirrors on the outside of the car to give himself another look over.

“It’s not about fine Bin, it’s about being presentable to your family. It’s about wanting them to like me, what if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m not good enough for you? Do they even know I’m a computer science major? What if they think I’m not as smart as you? Oh my god Binnie… do they even know I’m a man?” Felix panics, so many thoughts on how this could go wrong thrash around in his head. Changbin chuckles and walks over to Felix, wrapping his arms around Felix’s waist as he continues to fix his hair in the mirror.

“They’re going to love you. How couldn't they? You’re so smart, loving, sweet,” Changbin lists off as he places kisses along Felix’s neck and shoulder. “Adorable, handsome, cute, delicious..” He pauses as he nips at Felix’s neck.

“Bin..” Felix moans as he leans his head back onto Changbins shoulder. “W-we can’t do this now.” Felix says but he doesn’t make any attempts to move away from Changbin.

“I can make it quick.” Changbin chuckles as he peppers more kisses along Felix’s neck, pulling the collar of his shirt down to get more access to his skin. “Promise.”

“We’re in the driveway Bin, I don’t need another reason to stress what if they see?”

“Fuck.” Changbin sighs, stepping away from Felix. “You’re right. I’m sorry, baby.” Changbin whines as Felix turns to face him.

“It’s ok handsome.” Felix chuckles as he fidgets with the necklace around Changbin’s neck. “We can continue when we get home later ok?” Felix smirks and wiggles his eyebrows.

“HA! I will take you up on that promise.” Changbin laughs as he places a light kiss to the tip of Felix’s nose. “Shall we?” Changbin presents his arm to Felix, who laughs and gratefully wraps his hand around his bicep as the walk up the driveway.

Felix fixes his shirt for the hundredth time before Changbin unlocks the door, and they step into the large house. Anyone could easily tell Changbin comes from a wealthy family from the exterior alone, but the interior brought it to another level. “Wait right here,” Changbin smiles before pressing a soft kiss to Felix’s cheek, and stepping into his slippers. Leaving the coat room and making his way around the house.

“Mom?” Changbin calls out, as he enters the kitchen. His mother turns and smiles at him as she rushes to hug him.

“Bini!” she beams as she hugs him tightly, “My sweet man look at you! When did you grow so much!” Changbin laughs lightly as he hugs his mother,

“It’s only been a few months mom, I haven’t changed that much I promise.” His mother inspects him slightly, checking his face and arms in what Changbin assumes to be her just checking the changes he’s made since moving out.

“You haven’t been home in almost a year, Changbin! I was worried about you!” She quickly drags Changbin out of the kitchen and into the living room. “Oh let me go get your father! He’ll be so happy to see you, your sister should be home soon! We have so much to talk about Changbin- I’m so happy you’re safe.”

“I’ve always been safe, mom,” Changbin sighs, “You know I’m always safe.” His mother gives him a concerned look, “What is it?”

“There’s just something we’ve been worried about Bini, but let me grab your father and we can talk before Ryujin gets home.” She smiles lightly at him as she stands, but Changbin grabs her arm first

“Wait mom, there's something I want to talk about too, okay?” Changbin says lightly, his mother once more gives him a concerned look, as if she had already made some sort of assumption about what he wanted to talk about being negative.

“Of course Bini, I’ll be right back. Remember, we’re always here for you. You can always come to us about anything. You know that right?” His mother looks at him seriously, gives him a weak smile and goes off to find her husband. Changbin heads back over to the coat room where Felix is waiting.

Slowly Felix heads into the living room, he smiled at the photos lined up against the wall. Photos of Changbins family throughout the years. His graduation photo, his baby photos. Felix admired them and smiled softly to himself. “You’ve changed alot through the years huh,” he giggles as he points out a photo where Changbin lay smiling on the couch. He was much skinnier. Felix couldn’t help but imagine what it would have been like to have met Changbin around that time, would they have still liked eachother? Would he had still been attracted to him? Surely he would have. Felix had fallen in love with Changbin’s personality, his looks were only an added bonus. Changbin was never not pretty, in fact he must be one of the most handsome men he had ever seen, but Felix couldn’t help but think about how much healthier, how much more confidence radiated off of Changbin in his current state. He took care of his body well and it showed, not only in the muscle he had now gained but in the way he carried himself.

His body was healthy, yes, but his mind was healthy as well. Changbin is a kind, gentle soul. He respects everyone, and puts up with a lot for the sake of his friendships- but he also stands firm with his beliefs and defends what he believes is right with everything in him. Changbin was quick to comfort him when he had learned of his troubles accepting his own body. Offering him to help be ‘more masculine’ “If that’s what you really want Lix, but I’ll love you no matter what you do with your body. So as long as you take care of yourself, and as long as you’re happy. I just want you to be happy.”. Felix truthfully still wasn’t fully sure if he was happy with himself, sure he felt a bit better after you had spoken to him- sure he felt a bit better after Changbin had told him he’d love him no matter what, but the weight of the words of strangers still hung heavy on his shoulders.

Fragile.

Feminine.

Sissified.

Twink.

And worst of all, he had heard a girl from Changbins health class whisper to a friend. Words she must have thought Felix wouldn’t hear. “I just don’t get why he’d want to be with someone like Yongbok. He’s so fragile.. Such a.. Princess.. Changbin needs someone like him. Someone who cares about their body just as much as he does, someone he can take to the gym and-” he had walked away after that. He knew Changbin loved him, but he couldn’t help the doubt that constantly creeped into his mind, plaguing it. It felt like an incurable disease. A disease called Indignidad.

“Oh gosh, whats the word? You feel… you feel…” Mini muttered as she lay on Felix’s floor, “FUCK- Hey google, whats the english word for Indignidad?” his google home had lit up quickly responding with the english translation, “Yes, you feel unworthy of him.” She sighs, Felix nodded his head, she abruptly sits up- swiping away at the long black hair covering her face “Felix Yongbok Lee, you look at me.” She said sternly, “No one, and I mean NO ONE is ever above, or better than you- you are never going to be unworthy of someone, got that? If anything- THEY are unworthy of you. Now tomorrow you march up to that boy and you introduce yourself and you say ‘I’d like to know if you’d want to get coffee with me sometime.’”

“Min- what if he’s not… gay.”

“His loss, but it never hurts to try.” she shrugs,

“YES actually it does, I don’t want to be bombarded with death threats because I came onto a straight man.” Felix groans.

“If anyone ever threatens you, you come straight to Kitty and I got it? Kitty will have them down in a second bawling their eyes out at the reminder that their parents never loved them, and if that doesn’t work, I can hide a body.” she giggles,

“You don’t even know me, why would you guys do that for me?”

“Because you’re like us Lixie,” he stares at her for a moment, the girl who had come over to help with an assignment between the dance majors and drama majors, he wonders how he had ended up in a conversation about his hopeless crush on a boy from the health sciences department. “Lost. but it’s okay. I found you, and if I like you so will Kitty.”

Felix was broken from his thoughts by fingers prodding at his forehead.

“What are you thinking in that pretty little head of your hmm?”

“Just nervous still,” Felix forces a smile.

“Aw, love,” Changbin pulls Felix into a tight hug. “I don’t want you to be nervous. They’re gonna love you.” Felix can feel Changbins smile as it rests on his shoulders.

“A-are you sure?” Felix asks barely above a whisper. Changbin pulls away from Felix and sees the doubt written all over his baby’s face. Changbin cups Felix’s cheeks in his palms and leans closer to his lovers face.

“Hey, listen to me baby.” Changbin whispers to get Felix to look at him. “I love you. So fucking much that sometimes it scares me. I-I’ve never brought someone home before. You’re the first, and the reason you’re the first is because I’m in love with you and I believe that my family is going to love you too. And hey listen, if they don't, who cares. You’ll win them over with that adorable personality of yours. And if you don’t then it’s their loss. You are so fucking special to me Yongbok, I choose you every single time. No questions asked, no regrets.”

“But I don’t want you to have to choose.” Felix whispers quietly as he holds onto Changbins hands that were still cradling his face.

“I hope it doesn’t have to come to that but if it does I mean it. I’m choosing you every time.”

“B-but why?” Felix asks so meekly, Changbin associates him to a scared kitten.

“Because I love you. And I…” Changbin trails off, his cheeks turning red. Felix squeezes his hand to reassure him and Changbin looks back at him with so much love Felix thinks he could burst into flames. “Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Felix felt happy tears prick behind his eyes but before he could say anything a loud gasp broke them from their special moment. Felix and Changbin looked towards the door where the gasp had come from. His mother and father were standing in the doorway, his mothers hand clutched over her chest.

Changbin held Felix’s hand in his, a tight and firm reminder that they were in this together. “Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend, Felix.”

“You brought him here? Changbin, what are you thinking?” Changbin looks to his parents visibly confused. Him. as if they’d already known who he was. Was it wrong of him to bring Felix unannounced? He wanted it to be a surprise… Changbins mother walks up, her back straightened, her face hardened into a scowl. She points a finger at Felix as she eyes him down,

“How dare you enter our home like this.” Her words laced with venom, one that stung, one that seeped into your bloodstream slowly- one that curdled blood and made you wish you’d die instantly from it. Changbin looks to Felix quickly, do they know each other? But Felix’s face only showed confusion. No, if they had known each other Felix would have mentioned it after he’d seen the pictures. No. Changbin thought to himself as he looked at his mother, say something, anything, anything but this. Please. Don’t tell me you’re-

“Yes, I brought him here what the fuck do you mean what was I thinking? I was thinking I wanted to introduce my family to my boyfriend?!” Changbin says without thinking, his voice harsh as he grips Felix’s hand, he could feel Felix shaking, he hid his emotions well enough for now but Changbin knew. He knew Felix was breaking inside. His hands were cold and his face paled. The raging fire Felix held within his eyes, the fire of his soul Changbin had fallen in love with were now quickly becoming embers burning out. Felix was uncomfortable, scared, and clearly hurt.

“I-” Felix muttered lightly, “I can go.. Wait in the car-” Changbin could hear the disappointment in Felix’s voice. He could hear him swallowing down the lump in his throat. He needed to get him out of this situation, before he broke because god knows, it would be Changbins fault if Felix’s heart shattered anymore than it already has. Changbin would never forgive himself.

“No, there's no waiting in the car Lixie,” Changbin sighs, turning to him and giving him a soft smile, “We can leave.” He moves to bring Felix away from this. A two minute interaction that he already regrets. How could he have been so stupid? So stupid to think his parents would accept this. Had they lied to him his entire life? Had they lied to him when they told him they’d accept his decisions, support him through them? When he had started music they had lectured him but still they supported him. When he said he wanted to do a dual major, they had warned him of the work but still, they supported him. When he said he fell in love- they’d told him they’d support him… was it a lie?

“Changbin, may we speak to you? Privately please?” His mother says, staring directly at him. Refusing to acknowledge the presence of Felix beside him.

“No.” Changbin says flatly, “You can say it here in front of both of us. I will not step foot outside of this room without Felix.”

“Changbin I’d be more comfortable doing this between the family, please.” Suddenly her demeanour changes, ignoring Felix she speaks sweetly to Changbin, but he couldn’t ignore the hostility in her voice, in her body language towards the man he loves.

“I told you no.” Changbin stands his ground, holding Felix’s hand tighter as his mother eyes him down, his mother sighs as she pinches the bridge of her nose in clear annoyance.

“Changbin, whatever this is,” She begins, gesturing to the pair of them, “It isn’t love. This is just a hiccup Binnie, please- there's still time to fix this.”

“A HICCUP?” Changbin yells, “NOT LOVE?” He could feel his blood boiling. How dare she tell him how he was feeling wasn’t love, how dare she assume she knew him better than him damn self. “Fix this?” he spews, “Fix what- Oh, I get it.” He laughs, “You’re fucking disgusting.” he spits, his mother looks at him absolutely shocked at what he had just said, “you told me you’d support me through everything, School, life, love but no. If it’s with a man you draw the fucking line right?” he laughs again as he stares down his parents. “You can’t fix me. There's nothing to be fixed. I can and will love whoever I want, and who I want is Felix. You can’t just FIX the fact that I like men as well!” he shouts. He can feel Felix tense up next to him even more - if that was even possible. All Changbin can think about is how it was a fucking mistake to have brought Felix here. How it was a mistake coming home even if it were to have been only him, because if this was the reaction he gets for falling in love with a man, he’d never have come home in the first place.

“Changbin-”

“Fuck off.” Changbin sighs, “Just fuck right off.” He gently pulls Felix closer to him, bringing his arm across his lower back to guide him out of the house, “It was a mistake coming here.” he says to Felix. “I’m sorry.”

“SEO CHANGBIN.” His father shouts, “APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER.”

“Apologize?” Changbin scoffs, “For what? Loving someone? Absolutely the fuck not.” Changbin stands tall, bringing Felix behind him. “Fuck you and your backwards fucking views.”

Felix had never seen Changbin so angry. At some points he’d flinched whenever Changbin’s mother got too close, at other points he’d flinched when Changbin raised his voice.

Felix had never seen Changbin so angry. The Changbin Felix knows doesn’t raise his voice. The Changbin Felix knows keeps his cool under stress. The Changbin Felix knows loves his family with his whole heart- and today, Felix had managed to ruin them simply by being the wrong gender.

Guilt.

Changbin had led them out of the house. His parents calling after him the entire way, but Changbin kept his gaze forward, his brows tightly knit and his jaw set in a tight squeeze. As they made their way to the car, Ryujin had just arrived home. She smiled when she saw Changbin, but the second her eyes landed on Felix her gaze darkened.

“Why the fuck is he here, Binnie?” Ryujin said as she tried to pull Changbin away from Felix. Changbin shook his sister off of him and protectively guarded Felix from her.

“Are you fucking serious? You too?” Changbin looked so hurt.

“What the fuck Changbin?” Ryujin muttered, “Why would you even dream of bringing him here, after everything I’ve done to keep you safe, you go and do some bullshit like this!?”

“CONGRATS YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB OF KEEPING ME SAFE, from WHAT exactly? Falling in love with a fucking man?”

“One who abuses the fuck out of you? Are you joking Changbin? That isn’t love!” Felix’s grip on Changbin’s hand tightens, did she just say he abused Changbin? Oh god… did he hurt Binnie? Oh god… Was it the insecurities? Was he projecting them onto Changbin? Did he mentally abuse the person he loves without ever noticing? Felix’s mind finally shuts down, his heart finally shatters and the tears he so diligently kept within himself come

Changbin pauses and looks absolutely baffled at his sister. He squeezes Felix’s hand when he feels him trying to slip away. “What the fuck did you just say? You… you think he’s abusing me?” Changbin looks to his sister, and Felix. Felix is a mess, any more of this and the depression Felix works so hard to keep at bay may swallow him alive. “Wait here.” He tells Ryujin as he leads Felix to the car, opening the passenger door and helping Felix into the car. He’s a mess. Rightfully so. Changbin reaches in the backseet and pulls a water bottle from the case he keeps back there, opening it and handing it to Felix. “Breathe Lix, slowly in and out. It’s okay. Everythings okay.”

“N-no,” Felix sobs, “It’s not okay- I’ve hurt you and I don’t even know when or how or why, I don’t remember-” he cries out,

“No, you haven’t Lixie, you haven’t.” Changbin says softly, “Wait here for me love. Okay?” Felix nods and Changbin shuts the door, taking his sister inside to speak to his parents.

“Explain. Now. Why do you think Felix is abusing me. Where the hell are you getting that information?” Changbin says,

“Ryujin-” His father begins,

“Jin, out with it. Where the fuck did you hear that.” Changbin seethes, he’s trying. He’s trying so hard not to be angry, but he can’t even think straight. Not when Felix is hurting so badly, not when they’ve accused him of something he’d never done. Something like this should be handled delicately but Changbin only sees red.

“Binnie, one of your friends messaged me. Concerned for you. Told me Felix was abusing you- hurting you- I. I had to keep you safe Bin, please understand that-” Ryujin explains,

“Who.”

“Binnie-”

“RYUJIN JUST TELL ME WHO IT WAS.” Changbin shouts, Ryujin sighs as she looks to the ground,

“First tell me.. Did Felix ever hurt you.. You’re not doing this because you feel like you have to right?”

“Of course fucking not Ryujin I love him, he’s never done anything to hurt me EVER! Do you think so little of me to think I can’t protect my self if someone were to even try to hurt me!? Did you see him? Did any of you see him? So small… so fucking timid, so nervous about today constantly worrying about what you’d all think of him! He kept saying ‘what if im not good enough’ the whole way here! I TOLD HIM IT WOULD BE FINE, I TOLD HIM HE WOULD BE FINE NOW HES SOBBING IN THE CAR BLAMING HIMSELF TRYING TO REMEMBER ANY MOMENT HE MAY HAVE HURT ME BECAUSE OF YOU ALL!” Changbin screams,

“Liza said he-”

“Liza?”

“Your friend.. She texted me.. Concerned.. Said he abuses you..” Changbin’s heart pounds in his chest.

Liza. that stupid, rotten, brat was trying to ruin his life. Over what? Not getting her way?

“She isn’t my friend,” Changbin mutters, “She was- but she did some really. Awful things. Listen I don’t have time to explain, my head hurts and I can’t- I can’t do this right now.” Changbin sighs, turning quickly to make his way to his car. He wants to go home. He needs time to think, he needs to figure out what to do next. How to convince Felix that everything will be okay, that he did nothing wrong that none of this was his fault.

“Changbin wait please,” his mother calls out chasing after him as he storms out the door. What she finds outside is her son staring at an empty car. Tears trickling down his face as he types frantically on his phone. “Bini?” Changbin turns to face his mother, eyes puffy and red. Trembling as he looks at her.

“He was- I told him to wait- I left him alone- I left him alone, what the fuck did I do?” Changbin cries out, his mother steps forward bringing him into a hug,

“Maybe he needed time alone Changbin. Maybe he went home” She tries to comfort her son, she knows she has no right to do so at the moment but the look in his eyes. She’d never forget that look. Fear. So much fear, not because he was here. God she should have payed closer attention to him, the look in his eyes when he looked at Felix, was nothing compared to the fear in them when Felix wasn’t around, how could she had lashed out so quickly? Without even giving him a moment to explain.

“No you don’t understand-” Changbin sobs, “I left him alone while he was overthinking, depressed and scared”

“Changbin it’s oka-” she tries,

“No mom… You don’t get it..” Changbin moves away from her as he stares down at his phone, “He’s depressed, Liza she- she said such awful things to him and he’s been so fucking depressed, he’s suicidal mom… He can’t- He can’t-” Changbin hiccups, “He can’t be alone in this state- and I-” His heart beats faster at every passing second, “I left him alone-”. His mother looks at him, shes searching his eyes once again. If he was scared that Felix left him it was replaced with terror. Oh god, she had berated her sons boyfriend, that she can only now clearly see he loves more than anything. What a horrible mother she is. She once thought Felix would be the one to put that kind of fear in her sons eyes, and now- she realises. She was the one to do so. Would Changbin ever forgive her? Would Felix? Would she ever forgive herself?

“We’ll find him, Changbin.” She whispers, “We’ll find him.”

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