#my art's been fighting me the last week or so and my brain finally had a break through last night

[moonstruckhaze]

having a lot of fun over on my alt twitter hehe

[plutoswritingplanet]

It's A Special Death You Saved (Feyd Rautha x Female!Reader) pt.3

a/n: so i lied about this being the last chapter, there's one more, i know im sorry....... also shout out to my friends, who were unbelievably helpful with the smut part because oh, there's smut here

Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content (yuuuh yuuuuuuh), Alcohol, like....a tiny bit of Humiliation.

Summary: The month-long courting comes to an end with a bang! As your engagement party commences, wine flows and darker feelings rise to the surface

Pt. 1, Pt.2 Pt.4 (finale)

In the darkness of the night, he still comes to you in your dreams, knife in hand, body taunt and ready to strike. Every single morning, you awake with a gasp, as visions of your tormentor plague you. In some, he slits your throat, reveling in the way red cascades down your nightgown. Other times, it's a quick and brutal stabbing, your insides twisting as you wake. 

But then, there are those rare nights where you rise from your bed, sweat clinging to your skin, as you fight with the pressure in your stomach, try to rid yourself of the images, before making yourself presentable for breakfast. 

Those dreams, nightmares, are the worst. 

White, elegant fingers, grabbing, pulling, pinching every surface of your exposed skin. Defined arms around you, squeezing your pliant body in an embrace that is as tender and romantic, as a snake suffocating its victim. Deceivingly soft lips, mapping a trail down your front, pulling back to reveal teeth, which make that same trail visible, hurting.

In those dreams, he paints you with black. Taints you, until you're molded into his perverse image, until there's no telling where he ends, and you begin. He makes you into a sculpture, in a way that an artist cuts away pieces of clay, slowly robbing you of all agency, until there's only what he wants to see. And you let him, with a trembling smile on your lips, hands twisted into the stained sheets of your bed. 

Ignoring him has become an art form as well.

Since your faithful tangle at the training barracks, you did everything in your power, to never appear in the same room as him, or at least, never alone. You became a shadow in your own home, a whisper of the person you used to be. Shame is a powerful thing, and you wore it like a wedding veil over your face. Paul would always help you, silently. Never asking outright what had happened between you and the Harkonnen, but somehow always knowing. Your brother, your salvation, breaks your heart everytime he grabs your hand, and leads you away from the predator in the room.

The date of your engagement party has been set a week into the future. The nervous bustling of the court only heightening your already wracked thoughts, as the inevitability of your situation begins to haul you to the ground. 

Your Mother took most of the preparations on her back, directing the servants, the kitchen, the musicians. She picked out a dress for you, some flowing abomination, which hung in your closet, reminding you every morning, that you will have to wear it with a smile. You hoped, there will be wine at the feast, hope that it will be sweet enough to dull your insides. 

As the date of the feast comes closer and closer, you begin to spend more time outside. 

The air is crisp and smells of seawater, and you can't help but inhale fully, every time. You want it seared into your brain, so whenever you're taken away from your home, you can run back to this memory, to the feel of grass under your fingers. 

- You'll catch a cold, if you keep sitting here.

Paul's voice brings you back from your dark thoughts, and you look up, from your spot in the grass. He stands a couple paces back, hands folded behind his back in a manner, that is reminding you of your Father more and more every day. 

- Do you want to join me? - you ask, your lips quirking up into a small smile - Or would you prefer to stand there like a pillar of salt?

Your brother shakes his head, before coming closer and plopping down next to you, his skinny legs stretched out in front of him. The both of you sit in silence for a while, enjoying the breeze ruffling your hair, the smell of ocean and the waves crashing into the cliffs. There are seagulls flying over your heads, and you feel the moisture from the grass seep into your clothing. 

A wistful sigh escapes you, before you can stop it, and you let yourself fall, laying flat on the hill. 

Paul looks down at you, undescribable sadness swimming in his eyes, and an instinct of sister awakes in you, a need to comfort, despite being a wreck yourself. So, you offer him a smile, a tired one, but a smile nonetheless. 

- Do you think we could take the horses for a ride today? - your brother asks with naive hope, his eyes turning to the sea.

- Mother won't allow me to go, she wants me to spend my pondering the proper behavior during the feast - try as you might, you can't hide the bitterness in your voice - Besides, I could fall off and hurt the merchandising. 

Paul's hand finds yours, and he squeezes your fingers tightly. It's hard not to break, in moments like these. When you're forced to remember, you'll most likely never see your family again. 

- If I could do something, anything... - you recognize that feverish note in your brother's voice, it's devoid of reason, impulsive, too much like you.

- But you can't, so you won't.

A frustrated sound escapes his mouth, and he turns back to the sea. You watch him through half-lidded eyes, eyelashes falling heavily on your cheeks. He looks like a Duke, you conclude, and that thought feels strangely comforting. No matter where you'll be shipped off, no matter what life has in store for you in the future, somehow, you know your brother will persevere. 

- Do you remember that time Gurney made us train on the beach? - you ask, a sudden wave of nostalgia washing over you, as the clouds float in the sky above you - Cause of the... The balance. We had to try to balance in the sand.

Paul twists his head towards you, surprised at the turn of the conversation, before cracking a smile. 

- Yes, he slipped on the rocks, nearly broke his backbone - he starts to wave his hands around in a wonderful reenactment of your mentor's fall, before collapsing next to you in the grass.

Your laughter mingles with the sounds of the sea, as the both of you, the future of House Atriedes, share memories, scenes from the life you've lived together. The good and the bad. The horse races through plains and hills of Caladan, the many, many food fights. It's hard to tell, how much time you spend together, laying in the grass, but when you finally fall into silence, the air has become considerably more chilly. A sign, it's time to return to reality, to your duties. 

- You should've been me, and I you - Paul whispers suddenly, and you close your eyes in a pained expression. 

Perhaps it's true. Perhaps Lady Jessica made a mistake, and gave a Daughter where she should've given a Son. Now, it's no longer important. Your roles have been set in place, all you could do, is fulfill them. Somewhere back, in the direction of the Palace you can hear a voice calling your names. A reminder, that the world outside this grassy sanctuary exists, and can't wait any longer. 

You move to stand, Paul gathering himself up closely behind. Your clothes stick to your body, and you're shivering from the cold, but if you could spend just one more moment exactly like that, you would've taken that chance without question. 

An arm snakes around your elbow, and you lean onto your brother's shoulder, as you start to walk back, steps swaying like a pair of drunkards. Then, Paul tugs you closer, you can feel him tense suddenly, as he leans with a sullen expression on his pale face.

- I hate the way he looks at you - he confesses, waves upon waves of righteous Atriedes fury crashing in his voice.

You don't know how to respond to that, so you stay silent, giving his arm a reassuring tug.

That was the last conversation you've had with your brother.

*** While the House Atriedes is characterized by a rather mellow temper, there was one thing they took extremely seriously. And those, unfortunately for you, were engagement rituals. 

So, that's why you sit posed like a porcelain doll in a deep chair, next to your soon-to-be husband, at the foot of a long table, surrounded by music, and dancing, and food. There are ribbons hung from the high ceilings, and flickering lights float around them like little fireflies. You watch, as they dance above you, the ridiculous headdress placed on your hair digs into your skul. Color surrounds you, your own dress flowing like a waterfall, elegant, yet delicate. The pools of fabric gather around your legs, a chiffon monstrosity, that you know, is supposed to make you beautiful. 

And perhaps you would've felt beautiful, if this was any other occasion. A birthday feast, perhaps. Dare you say, and engagement party with someone you actually loved. 

Speaking of which, your betrothed sits beside you, sticking out like a sore thumb. He looks utterly bored, eyes following the celebrating masses, hand playing with a steak knife. Not enough blood for his tastes, you suppose. He's dressed in traditional Harkonnen attire, which you think, doesn't really look that much different from all the other outfits you've seen him in. Black, sleek, efficient. You must be a curious pair, a mass of colorful materials and a black-stone pillar. 

The wine, thankfully, is sweet. It warms your face, and turns your insides into a pleasant mush. You should've eaten more, but then again, it was a celebration of your imprisonment, and if you wanted to get drunk, you would. And you did get drunk. Quickly. 

The dress moves with you, as you slowly slide down the chair, one leg resting up on the seat. A frightfully unbecoming sight, but you can't find it in yourself to care. Another, clumsy drink from your cup, and you sigh deeply, blinking a couple of times to rid yourself of sudden dizziness. 

Your betrothed gives you a look, whether it's of warning or amusement, you're not sure. And you don't care. Your nose scrunches in the general direction of his smooth head, and you take another sip, just to spite him.

- Shut up - you grumble, a slurr entering your words.

- I haven't said a word - he counters, and this time you can see him smile.

- You're thinking, it's annoying.

Feyd Rautha has an unpleasant laugh. 

Sharp and low, and very rough around the edges. It's like listening to an old spaceship try to take off, and you're sure you don't want to hear him laugh ever again. That's it, your goal in this, frankly, fucked up marriage, will be to never make your husband laugh. Although, it's best not to think about it so loudly, he might be a hidden mind reader, and would most likely laugh in your face every day, just to torture you. 

God. You were going to regret every sip come tomorrow morning.

- You're wrapped like a present - Feyd Rautha leans down with a smirk playing on his full lips, and you have to crane your neck to look him straight in the face - Shall I unwrap you here, while your family watches?

Despite the light tone, you shiver under his gaze. Something in the way his body seems relaxed yet tense at the same time tells you, this shameless man would do it in a heartbeat, if you as much as inclined your head. 

- Gross - you groan, hand untangling itself from the amassing of chiffon to push back at his face.

It's the first time, you've touched him out of your own volition, and even in your drunken daze, you note the sudden glint in his eyes. Fingers grab at your wrist, keeping you in place, as he leans further into your touch, turning his head slightly. Wine mixes with sudden embarrassment, as his lips brush against the meat of your palm. Then, black teeth shine and your heart jumps to your throat, as he bites down on your skin, hard enough to make you jump. Tongue darts out, licking a stripe up your thumb, before giving your fingertip a tiny nibble.

You tear your hand away from him, pressing it into your chest with an appalled expression. There are indents just below your thumb in the shape of his teeth, and the confounding feelings you've been trying to stoke for almost a month now, come crashing down upon you.

He looks satisfied with himself, returning back to his seat, and his steak knife. The utensil reflects the flowing lights, and despite yourself you swallow thickly, turning back to your cup, which is quickly becoming empty.

God, it was getting incessantly hot in this cursed dining hall. 

Whether it was the wine, or the sudden wave of knee-bending arousal washing through you, you couldn't tell. (It was both, you were fully aware it was both) And you're uncomfortable, terribly so. You fidget in your seat, almost painfully aware of the heat, which has now spread further down. The fabric of the dress slides against your body, skin becoming far too sensitive, too hungry for touch. You try to relieve some of your torment, legs squeezing and rubbing together. Treacherous tongues of self-awareness rear its ugly heads, and you look up, and...

Of course he noticed. 

Feyd Rautha places his chin in his hand, and he observes you with a knowing look, which turns dark and terrifying as soon as your eyes meet.

- Careful, lest the court starts talking - he warns you, his voice somehow becoming deeper than before, and you take a shuddering breath.

Dagnerous, this is dangerous.

 You're seated far away from your family, from any consolation, and even if they were close enough to intervene, the masses of dancing people, the sound of their laughter... Your heart stops, a snake curling itself around your insides. Truly, if that beast of a man wanted to, he could make do of his threat from earlier, and take you where you sit. Haunted by that thought, both terrifying and arousing, you down the rest of your wine. 

It doesn't taste as good anymore. Hell, it threatens to come back up, until you force it to sit in your stomach. 

Duncan, you need to find Duncan, or you'll do something incredibly stupid. You'll do something incredibly stupid either way, but at least the regret will be less biting. So, pulling yourself up on trembling arms, you shuffle out of your chair, your betrothed's heated gaze following you on your way through the hall. 

People don't even look at you, too enraptured with free food and drinks, and the music, which flows loudly through the air. Good, in any other case, the Duke's Daughter, stumbling drunk through corridors, would certainly lift some eyebrows. Your feet carry you towards the training barracks, a familiar route you've followed many times. Indulging in sex with your Father's most trusted advisor was not the healthiest form of regulating emotions, but you needed something, and God knows, you'd rather die than get it from anyone else. From Him especially.

The choice is made for you, however, as a strong hand wraps itself around your arm, just above your elbow, yanking you backwards, behind a stone column. The world spins in front of your eyes, and for a second you worry the company of wine warming your insides is about to abandon you along with breakfast. 

- Do you truly thought, you could sneak away from me?

Finally, your eyes focus on Fey Rautha's face, almost demonic in the low light of the corridor. Shadows play on his expression, falling heavily over his eyes, and you try to wrench yourself from his grasp.

- What I do is none of your business - you slurr out, wringing your arm every which way, his fingers digging painfully into your flesh - Let go of me.

The Harkonnen presses himself closer to you, trapping your body between the stone and himself. His nose nearly crushes itself into the juncture between your neck and your shoulder, taking a disturbing long whiff. You can feel his chest vibrate against your own, as he groans deep within his throat. It sobers you up in record speed, and you start to thrash in his hold. He subdues your outburst, as if he was made for it, before dragging his nose up, towards your hair. You snarl like a wild animal.

- Let me go. 

His body moves on its own accord, tearing itself away from you in an instant, legs tripping over themselves, to put distance between your bodies. He looks up at you, muscles tense and an expression of shock painted across his pale face. 

The ability to use the Voice was something you rarely took part in. Training sessions with your Mother went well, as expected of a woman, but you still had a lot of work ahead of you. You blink forcefully, steadying yourself against the wall behind you. Then, you notice the borderline murderous look on your soon-to-be husband's face.

- Witch - he spits out, baring his blackened teeth at you.

- I am the Daughter of Duke Atriedes - your voice carries a note of righteous pride, despite dread climbing up your spine - And you will treat me with respect, wedded or not.

He straightens himself with petrifying speed, and as he takes a step towards you, actions overtake reflection. Your hand winds back, and you bring a resounding slap across his sharp cheekbone. While your palm blooms with pain, he seems to barely react, closing the distance between the two of you after a tense beat. Before you have a chance to react again, his hands grab at your face, and his lips crash against yours in a punishing kiss.

Teeth clink together and the momentum of the kiss makes your head collide with the stone pillar behind you. He's fingers dig into your cheeks and your jaw, as he devours you completely, bringing down all your defences in one swoop. You kiss him back, almost immediately, opening your mouth to let him in, to meet his tongue halfway. It's almost grotesque, how much you hate and love this at the same time, the buzzing of the wine mixing with the sound of your racing heart, with the sound of his unabashed sounds of pleasure. 

Hands flail at your sides, as you grab all you can take, pulling him even closer by the thick fabric of his tunic. 

His hands however, know exactly what they want, and as he lets go of your face, they both sink down. Fingers hook into the neckline of your dress, and he tears it down, your entire body swaying with the force of his movement. Your breasts are freed for only just a moment, cold air hitting them in a way that would be uncomfortable, if they weren't immediately covered by your betrothed's large palm. He palms at your chest, as if he wants to crush it, and you bite back a whine, which threatens to spill from your abused lips. 

- Don't - he growls a warning, unoccupied hand tangling itself within your hair - Sing.

And you do. As his mouth descends upon your neglected breast, where he alternates between licks and bites that make your back fly off the wall. Once again you don't know what to do with your hands, finding them entirely useless in the Harkonnen's overpowering grasp. One, grabs at his shoulder, undecided on whether to push him off, or pull him in closer. The other one scratches four lines into his skull, as he sucks on the sensitive skin under your ribs. 

Finally, he detaches from you completely, standing straight and regarding you with a look so intensely ravenous, it shakes you to your core. Your exposed chest rises and falls in tandem with your heaving breaths, and you shiver, as cold air hits your skin. His gaze drinks in your dissheveled hair, the way your lips are puffy and red. A beautiful sight for his blackened eyes. 

- I know who you went looking for - he starts, stalking towards you once again - Can't have that, can I?

You debate feigning confusion, outrage at such accusation, which hasn't really been uttered yet. But, as Feyd Rautha stops just short of the bottom hem of your dress, you suddenly find yourself unable to speak. Instead, as a last ditched effort to rid yourself of him, your hand extends, a half-hazard attempt at liberation. He swats it away, as one would a mere fly, before sinking to his knees in front of you. 

- Lift up your dress, Viper - his voice is like thunder in your ears, and you bite your lips at the sight of his eyes, dark and surprisingly eager.

Hands move clumsily in an effort to gather all those translucent layers. You nearly trip over yourself, earning a rather nasty chuckle from below. As soon, as your legs are visible, he dives between the chiffon, his head dissapearing from sight. You can feel his lips, traveling up the expanse of your calf, giving a light bite under your knee. 

Anticipation siezes your gut, and you grab onto the wall, as if that would save you. His hands grab your leg, skin incredibly warm to the touch for someone who looks so cold, and then, with forceful tugs, he starts to manouver you. 

You let out an unbecoming squeak, as he yanks your leg over his shoulder. Strong hands keep you in place, and he reaches out around the upper part of your thigh to all but tear your undergarments off of your core. The force of this action makes you jump in place on your one available leg, just to hold your balance, and for a second you consider swatting at him. 

That thought leaves you almost immediately after it appears, as an onslaugh of kitten licks unleashes downward. A vague, head like shape moves under your dress, the chiffon floating from place to place like a hypnotizing river. The wine must've heightened your senses to an alarming degree, because as soon as Feyd Rautha begins his ministrations, you're a mess. 

It's honestly humiliating, the way you fight for any purchase on the wall behind you, as he begins to lick in earnes, parting your legs further with one hand, while the other wraps securely around your used leg. While there, he cops a feel of your behind, fingers biting into the soft flesh, and you lock your lower lip between your teeth so hard, you can taste blood on your tongue.

As if he's developed some new telepathic talents, his hand leaves your ass, in favor of winding up, and slapping it harshly. The action makes your jump in place once again, a sound stuck between outrage and glee fleeing your throat, before you have the chance to stop it. Right, "sing", you remind yourself, and immediately feel him change his tactics. 

Your bundle of nerves opens new possibilities of torment, and as his lips close around the bud, you can't help the whine, escaping through your lips. The music is loud, you remind yourself. They won't hear, no one will hear. His hand pushes your dangling leg further up your shoulder, and your back arches from the stone. You will be sore as all hell after this is done, but for now, it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters, except the way your betrothed eats you out, like a man who's been starved for decades.

- Oh shit - you curse, hands flailing uselessly - Oh fuck!

All of a sudden, everything stops, and your building peak subsides into a dissatisfactory simmer. Feyd Rautha's head emerges from under the fabric, a terrible, shit-eating grin on his wet lips.

- Such language? - he teases, tongue darting out to lap at your arousal - So unbecoming of a-...

- Fucking don't stop! - there's panic in your movements, as you grab the back of his head, and shove him right under your dress again.

The laughter should be unsettling for you, but he returns to his post with twice as much motivation, and however more strength, and before you know it, your orgasm sneaks upon you. A sudden tightness in your core is all the warning you get, before the coil snaps, and your entire body starts to spasm in pleasure. 

It's good. Incredibly so. You'd risk saying it's the most intense you've ever came, but never out loud, never to him. That shameful secret was between you and whatever God that was listening. Stars erupt behind your eyelids, your breathing stopping for just a moment. 

And then you go deliciously limp, legs giving out completely. 

To his credit, the Harkonnen catches you before you hit the floor, the arm curling around your leg proving to be an unmeasurable support. His head emerges from under the dress once again, and he lets you slide down the wall, until you're seated. He sways on the balls of his feet, still towering you, even as he crouches. 

You swallow, throat slightly raw from all the noise you've done moments ago, and he follows the movements of your neck muscles with greedy eyes. Still greedy, after taking so much. Truly, he was a Harkonnen. And before you can stop yourself, a thought materializes in your brain, a treacherous little information, which would shake you to the core, if your muscles weren't currently made of taffy.

He blushes pink. Your betrothed blushes pink, from the exercise of making you cum on his tongue alone. God, what a precious sight.

He must've noticed the serene smile playing upon your lips, and his nature to ruin comes to light. His hand reaches back, and you freeze in your spot, as you recognize that damned golden steak knife. The blade shines in the dimly lit corridor, making your breathing faster, questions swimming behind your eyes. You don't really want to fight him in this state, but you fucking will, if he tries anything. 

- An engagement present, for you, Viper. - he rasps, licking his reddened lips in an obscene display, which doesn't repulse you quite as much as it should. 

- I have nothing to give in return - your voice is stern, and your betrothed flashes you an evil grin.

Then, he presents you the tip of the knife, golden utensil hanging between his slender fingers, and you look up at him, not understanding what is expected of you. Placing one knee on the floor, Feyd Rautha lowers himself to your eye level, for the hundredth of times surprising you with the sheer grace in his movements. 

- Kiss - he whispers, into the space between the both of you.

Your eyes fall to the knife, then, to him and you take a long, deep breath. Pride, your biggest flaw, takes a deadly hit, as the man twists the knife in his fingers, looking at you expectedly. You hate him, truly and deeply, and it must be showing on your face, because he sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, as soon as your eyes meet. 

Swallowing your pride, you keep his gaze, leaning towards the blade. Your lips press delicately against the cool metal and the Harkonnen flashes you a nasty, self-satisfied smirk, before slipping the knife up his sleeve and standing up. 

- I'll see you back at the feast - he gives you a small bow, and you press your lips tightly together.

- Fuck you.

- After the wedding, my Viper.

And with that, he turns around.

 You're left there, on the floor, your dignity in shambles, the exertion catching up to you all at once, as if his presence alone was the only thing keeping you from feeling pain. A stupid thought, you chastize yourself, before slowly pulling yourself from the cold tiles. 

It takes you a couple of shameful minutes, trying to put yourself back together again. The ridiculous headdress, which has slipped all the way down from your hair, will probably never look the same, as when your Mother has styled it, but you can't find it in yourself to care. 

The music still plays, as you enter the hall, and thankfully, no one notices your arrival. No one but your betrothed, who raises his drinking cup in your direction, as if nothing had happened. His face is annoying, you conclude, and turn away, your aching legs taking you towards the center of the room, where people danced and sang in celebration of your engagement. What a lovely sight, what a lovely couple. Opposites attract, right?

Bitter, aching and humiliated, you throw yourself into the crowd, let it sway you from place to place, as you dance away this whole wretched week. The whole month-long courting rituals, which were just a bullshit attempt at torture. 

It's said, that when Death comes to take your soul, you're allowed one more dance before the eternal void. 

So you dance. 

[starwitness42]

So first I had a horrible idea about the Torchbearer dying and Clancy having to seize his body. Then @sleepeys had to go and make amazing art about it. And now I wrote fic of it. Because my brain is rotted like an old moldy deck. So here's some fic if you want it! Be warned. Torchbearer is very much dead. Sorry Josh! The voices made me do it.

Clancy wakes up with lead in his stomach and a pounding in his head. He doesn’t remember much about last night, just the fire, the alcohol, and the Torchbearer’s arms cradling him safely as they slept. But hangovers have never felt like this before.

Something’s wrong.

He stumbles out of his tent, making it only a few steps before he’s throwing up in the dirt. But there’s no one around to see his embarrassment. There’s no one around at all. And the panic he’d felt upon waking kicks up another few notches.

He checks every tent, his unease doubling every time he finds another one empty. And he’s so focused on that, and on the campfire, slowly burnt down to embers with no one to tend it, that he doesn’t even realize it’s sundown and not sunrise until the sky begins to darken overhead.

How long was he asleep?

He searches his mind for his last memory. The Torchbearer had kissed him softly before burying his face in Clancy’s neck. His voice whisper quiet as he’d said, “I love you. You know that, right?”

Clancy knew that, Clancy knows that, but what Clancy doesn’t know is where the hell everyone has gone. And then it hits him.

Two weeks ago, Clancy had finally made it home. Two weeks ago, Clancy had been reunited with the Torchbearer, the real one, not the figment tasked with guiding him back. And two weeks ago, the Torchbearer had kissed him, not softly that time, and told him that if he ever lost him again, he’d die.

No, he thinks, and “No!” he shouts, though no one is around to hear him. They couldn’t have left, could they have? The plan was to attack Dema in one week’s time, for the banditos to create a disturbance in the city while Clancy went after Nico. Take down the king and the rest will fall. But that was supposed to be in a week.

Clancy runs, his feet carrying him wildly in the direction of the city, his heart pounding in time to the fears circling his thoughts like vultures. They can’t be dead; he can’t be dead. He tries to force these thoughts into the swirling mess inside his head but every time he does, the fear comes back at him with a vengeance, threatening to cripple him as he runs.

It’s the middle of the night when he finally makes it. The city is on fire, the world around him burning as he steps over the bodies of his fallen friends, green and yellow splashed with blood. And Clancy might be sick again if he had anything but fear and rage inside his stomach right now.

He looks down at the antlers, picked up without him even really realizing it, still clutched in his fists like a lifeline. And then he looks up at the tower, tears in his eyes, running down his cheeks, as he raises his hands, closes his eyes, and reaches out.

He can hear himself sobbing when the seize takes hold, can hear his own grief like an echo as he opens his eyes and looks up from the floor of a darkened room. He’s in the tower. He is in the tower, the Torchbearer is, his body not even cold yet despite being drained of the life that had lit him up like a thousand suns. And as that knowledge washes over Clancy, all he’s left with in its wake is incomprehensible rage.

He's screaming, his voice ragged with it, the emotion primal as he gets to his borrowed feet and meets the eyes of the bishop he was supposed to kill.

“Hello, Clancy,” Nico says, and though Clancy cannot see his face, he can hear the smile in his voice.

It will be the last one Nico ever wears.

They fight, the dagger the Torchbearer had died clutching against the one the bishop always carries with him, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. Nico can’t kill what’s already dead, and Clancy will not stop until Nico’s lungs are as empty as the Torchbearer’s, his rage carrying him on through the fight until Nico is nothing but a lifeless heap on the stone floor.

He falls to his knees, dropping the blade so he can wrap his arms around himself, around the Torchbearer, one last time. His face buried in his shoulder, in the fabric of the Torchbearer’s hoodie, as he chases the scent of him before it’s gone forever.

“I love you, too,” he says with the Torchbearer’s voice. “You know that, right?” But the Torchbearer does not respond. And so in the end, all that Clancy is left with is the silence of the dead.

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2024-09-02

Do you rember. Wen day is dark, sember.

Listening: @cyelatm released a new album Habit Prism that I've been listening to in bits and pieces. Even, rhythmic folk, good music to have on when you have people around.

In that vein, Bandcamp Friday this coming Friday! Make your lists!

Watching: Watched The Raid which I've had kicking around for a bit. Do you want to watch guys punch each other all over for like 15 minutes at a time for an hour? No? Get better taste in movies and then watch guys punch each other all over for like 15 minutes at a time for an hour.

The Raid is so obviously made for like two dollars, there's one building, every single gun and piece of armour is airsoft gear, the camera is visibly some mid-tier hardware that suffers from severe rolling shutter, and it kicks so much ass.

There's some really interesting things happening with camera movement in this movie. Really really complicated multi-axis camera moves, the same shot will take like six different dutch angles in a single move, or will lock on to different objects and follow them, it's great for martial arts but it's also used to pretty good effect in some interstitial scenes.

The culminating fight with Mad Dog is so wild, literally just three guys in an empty concrete cube fighting for a solid ten or twelve minutes and it works! Does not seem possible. They actively remove almost every prop from the room so it's just guys hitting each other but they keep doing incredible stunts.

It's funny looking at the gifsets on here because they're unreadable, everything happens so fast and requires so much context that is only delivered in the full flow of the movie. My favourite part is when he said "It's Raiding Time" and raided all over those guys.

Reading: Finally sat down and got through the Phalanx's Twilight, Legion's Triumph series on acoup.

Sections IVa-c mostly slid off my brain because it's a bunch of wars I don't know enough about to contextualize but it's mostly justification for what's explained in parts I-III which were great, and it's an interesting look at how the political and military structures of Rome interwove to improve the effectiveness of the Legion.

Also reading Skin Horse, which I started ages ago but never got very far, I think because I started a job around that time and lost track of it. Sticking webcomic tabs on my little ARM tablet is really convenient, I've jammed Out Of Placers and Laika's Comet in there as well, it's been a while since I did a big archive dive on a comic.

Skin Horse is very much of its time, not really in sensibility but just in content. The nerds are characterized by liking Harry Potter.

Making: Resolved the power delivery issues that were causing me to have mysterious failures with the LED driver. That was annoying. Anyway remember to split your power supply when you could potentially pull like 10A@5V to drive LED's.

Playing: Tactical Breach Wizards campaign is ongoing, as you get deeper into the campaign your team expands which dramatically complicates operations, your possible actions explode, and I'm not even halfway through.

Dall was my newest operator at time of writing and she's probably the hardest to use, she can deal a lot of damage but relies more so than anyone else on good positioning, it's really easy to end up way out of place and waste her moves, and she's too heavy to shunt around with Jen's storm attacks the way you can with the others.

Speaking of those, I really like how the short turns and deterministic actions mean you can get really into the weeds. The first time I used a gale grenade to shunt Zan over one extra block to line him up I assumed this would be a sometimes food but you really find yourself doing stuff like that all the time.

I'm heading back and picking through some of the challenge missions concurrently with playing partially to stretch out overall gameplay and partially because I think having fewer abilities unlocked will make those more interesting.

Tools and Equipment: You know, I think we know each other pretty well, I can put this here. The Doxy USB-C Wand is a safe and legal thrill.

[1rabong]

hellow!!! what first got you into borosai? whats ur favourite thing abt the ship, and any headcanons thats rotating in ur brain rn?

Thank you for the ask so much you have no idea how much i wanna ramble abt these two

Well, there’s one specific scene for the first question.

THIS SHOT

Look at his cute lil face he’s so happy

I saw this and was like, wait. This alien’s kinda.. hot. And he was making these adorable faces all cuz he was fighting Saitama. Then he dies, after making Saitama use the serious punch for the first time in the story.

They were really something. So naturally i started shipping them. And I naturally went to ao3 to look up borosai and despaired cuz there was only like 40 fics for them at the time. But still, I read them all(and they were all great), and started drawing art for them. Back then, I had no idea that I’d be fixating on them for so long, longer than anything i had a fixation for😂

My favorite thing about this ship is that they’re so different. Almost everything about them is so comically different. Just look at these two.

Just them standing next to each other is visual comedy at its finest.

They have different moralities, personalities, styles, amounts of hair, etc.

Which makes their similarities all the more interesting. They’re both bored to death, because they’re too strong. They both crave that stimulation of being in a fight with their lives at stake. They both feel lonely, because no one understands what it’s like to have this kind of strength. This loneliness is shown more in depth with Saitama, but I think it’s the same with Boros too. When we’re first shown Boros, he’s all stoic and cold with his subordinates, his expression barely changing. But when he meets Saitama, it morphs into excitement. Then as the fight goes on, it turns into an almost childish glee, making him ramble on about his strength, his home planet, until Saitama snaps at him to stfu😂 But who can blame him? After so many years of solitude he finally meets someone who’s on the same page as him.

With their fight, Boros gets what he wanted. The fight he was craving so much. A fight telling him that there’s still something that can surprise him in this Universe. That he wasn’t alone. Which is why even as he was shocked that he had lost, he doesn’t feel angry or bitter about it. Rather, it almost seems like he feels pity for Saitama. Because surely there’s no chance for him to meet someone who is as strong as him. So he calls out Saitama’s name, as his last words, and dies.

All the above is more or less canon, but if we were to veer a bit off course into an au where Boros lived, there’s so much potential for an interesting relationship between them. Imagine the possibilities. He could be like a stronger version of Sonic, challenging Saitama week after week, always getting his ass kicked but coming back for more, a little stronger than last time. And hey, since this is a Borosai au, they could very well fall in love😆

This turned out to be longer than I expected and not exactly on topic but look, I can’t help myself.

The current hc that’s rotating in my brain rn is that they’re madly in love, and is married. And have a child😂

Okay i know this sounds absolutely bonkers but I’ve been hardcore shipping them for too long and them being in a relationship is like a default setting for me when I think about them, so giving them a kid to take care of on top of all that just came naturally. Imagine the utter chaos it would ensue. It’d be peak comedy.

This lil guy. His name is Daan. I love him so much.

Anyways that’s all the questions answered, thank you again for the ask🥳

[steve0discusses]

S5 Ep : I don't know the episode numbers anymore I never wrote them down, so from here on out, I'm just going to number up from my previous post. So I guess episode 49

Fun fact I finished this post a week ago and then never pressed send. I can blame this on a lot of things, (work, illness, brain fog, etc) but at this point we just know it's the universe trying to keep me from finishing S5 of my Yugioh reblog, lmao.

So, last we left off, Sad Seto was next to die.

What makes this extra weird is that the other Seto is going to just watch this entire thing happen. He apparently didn't have enough traumatic disassociating while watching his Blue Eyes Wife die, now he will disassociate from watching himself go out in a blaze of glory, too.

Sad Seto's strategy against Zorc is not really what you'd expect out of the #2 of Egypt's court. Although...I guess before everyone biffed it, Seto was more like #5? #6?

He's above Mana I feel. Barely. Mostly because Mana probably isn't the right age to legally work, even in ancient Egypt when the working age is like...if you can walk.

But he was apparently so busy doing Aknadin's taxes that he's decided it's good judgement to throw himself at a 800 ft tall dragon/crotch/man.

for his credit, Sun Tzu's art of war hasn't been written yet.

And Sad Seto realizes his true purpose, which is that he has a smarter, stronger, and more powerful girlfriend (ish.) Which is a running theme on this show, as we all know.

In a bizarre cut that I can't believe they left on US TV...other than I think they couldn't cut this any other way, the penis dragon attached to Zork extended it's neck up to grab Blue eyes by her neck and just fling her into the ground, killing her instantly.

I don't like that the neck can extend longer. I don't like that it's a function of the dragon crotch. They knew. They knew what this looked like. Thanks, I hate it.

Also what an embarrassing way for Seto's past self to die. Truly the hieroglyphs about this event will be wild, and thousands of years later, Grandma Muto probably looked at this event etched into stone and just thought it was weird ancient pervert stuff.

Sorry if you were thinking Sad Seto would recover last minute and realize he's like the most OP person in Yugioh. He instead rotted from his hand and joined the rest of our Egyptian cast in Shadow Hell.

Leaving us with just Mana. And like kudos to her, but how on EARTH did she survive so freakin long!? Like of all of them, I thought Seto would be the last one. Not Mana. Not in a million years did I think it'd be the girl who hid in a pot.

But youknow maybe that's why she survived?

And then Bakura casually walked away from the only Seto who matters. Which is fitting, because if memory serves, that's also what Yami did to Seto for like half of the Battle City tourney.

It's such a weird strange bod on this dragon. It's such a strange bod. He's both got kind of a belly, but also is ripped to shreds. Such a weird bod.

In case you were like "We haven't given Seto enough motivation," we also toss in a few nearly dead brothers just to make sure we have properly traumatized this boy to the point where he'd duel someone who isn't Yugi Muto.

Seto decided magic exists 6 minutes ago, and he's already better at magic than Yugi Muto who's had access to it for YEARS.

Like he learned about magic in a different culture, a different time, a different language, and now he's fighting the final boss.

But it's Seto, so I buy it. He would speedrun his life like this.

That's the dialogue of the show where he says his first words were "neutron blast attack" and youknow...he probably has very few memories of himself as a child since his parents died and his other family put him up for adoption...but he knows his first words?

That, or Seto likes making his brand a reality by making up whatever nonsense it takes to make that brand legit. Which I can also see him doing.

Also please don't look at this foreshortened hand, don't look at it, ignore that this happened.

So thanks to Bakura's weird choice to drag Seto into this universe in the first place, now Bakura has to fight Seto and his 3 blue eyes that would not have existed here otherwise.

++++++ME RANTING ABOUT THE SETO ARC FEEL FREE TO SKIP++++

TBH it kinda makes the whole Sad Seto arc feel kind of like it didn't need to exist. Like this is the Seto fight that matters. This one right here, and although they share a name, it's not with the same guy who fought Zorc at the beginning of this episode.

And like I could add it to a list of problems with this season. But Sad Seto started out so interesting, and then forgot. It was like he only existed to introduce the dragon, and not explain anything at all about the nature of Seto Kaiba we know and love. Like the possession of Aknadin can be a parallel to how Seto was raised following Gozaburo's footsteps, but youknow...that's all old territory.

Like, I wish I had any sort of new growth from the interaction of either of the Seto's together in the same room, much like we've been getting from Yami facing his past self. Yami's been growing a lot, he's been facing his demons, but Seto? Seto's been walking around this desert trying find wifi.

(which like he did find a "wifey" which is almost wifi but wasn't as helpful because she was dead)

The Seto Kaiba who is fighting Bakura right now, is the same exact guy we saw at the end of the last arc against Zeigfried Von Schroeder.

Which means the reason that Seto is now souped up and capable of going up against Bakura isn't because of anything we witnessed here in this arc, but because of the weird horse guy last arc who taught him how to put up a better firewall.

And maybe there was a draft where Seto decides he is a spiritual reincarnation of the Pharaoh of Egypt. Maybe there was a draft where he gained a new ability. Maybe there was a draft where he realized the gravity of what was happening and wanted to save the world.

But it ain't this draft, unfortunately.

Seto is here not because of an internal growth reason, but because he was on a tablet in S2, and we have to know where that plot thread went to have an ending...but the show rewrote what it initially said in S2.

Like in the OG timeline, it was Seto who killed Pharaoh. But here we found out it was actually Aknadin who possessed Seto to kill Pharaoh. (and at some point in that fight, Pharaoh stuck his soul in a box and sealed away Zorc)

Sad Seto was apparently a chill bro the entire time. Just a nice guy who arrested half of Cairo and had a sort-of-girlfriend for about 8 hours before she biffed it.

And I would have been OK with that, if it were more interesting than what we initially thought happened in the past: where we thought it was a kickass Seto launching a coup. But unfortunately, it's not, instead it's a boy who started out powerless, and continued to be powerless despite working in Pharaoh's literal court. He didn't even have the power to not get possessed.

And I am sure there were other drafts, and endings are hard, and the author did get hella hospitalized while he wrote this season, animation is a miracle of many moving parts and budgets, and we were lucky to even get an ending to this show. So I don't want to sound like I'm complaining when there are so many worse directions this show could have gone. I'm just a little surprised it went this direction, mostly.

But say what you will about Yugioh, it doesn't like to be predictable, doesn't it?

+++++++++++++++++++OK I'M DONE++++++++++++++++++++++

Speaking of characters who haven't gained anything from being here, Tristan is no longer possessed!

Tristan begs his apologies and Yugi takes it gracefully. Which means, it's time for the main character of this entire show to finally re-enter the plot.

And they do so, in style.

Y'all I remember being excited about the look and style of extreme sports, but I do not remember this many heelies in the 00's.

Anyway, this is the link to read these in chrono order, you know the drill. See you next time to see yet another girlfriend biff it!

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

[homerforsure]

WIP Wednesday

Emerging tentatively from the nest of snakes that my brain has been for the last week and a half and @rewritetheending was kind enough to tag me for WIP Wednesday (in addition to the many other lovely people who tagged me in other stuff while I was dealing with the snakes 💗)

We continue to make slow but steady progress here on LWH even if at times we have no idea where the fuck we're going:

The glow follows Eddie home. It’s a light, pleasant, floating sensation and it leaves a smile on his face even as his mind wanders to the rest of the day, the chores to be done, whether he should stop and pick up something for dinner or if there’s something in the fridge he can throw together. Even the traffic doesn’t manage to frustrate him like it normally does. 

It doesn’t fade as he pulls onto his own street and spots Buck’s Jeep from down the block, but it’s joined by a dark cloud of nerves and by the spectre of consequences to come. Eddie cuts the engine and remembers years ago coming home–before curfew–but from a place he wasn’t supposed to be with the girl he wasn’t supposed to be so serious about and spoiling for a fight even before he got out of his truck. He’d almost wanted to be challenged then, looking for an excuse to finally say out loud what his body had been screaming for years.

You don’t get to tell me how to feel.

Now, as then, though, there’s no argument waiting for him when Eddie lets himself in the front door and steps into the quiet living room. Controllers are still cluttering the coffee table, but the television is dark, no light coming from the game console. As he shrugs out of his jacket, he can hear, faintly, music coming from Christopher’s room and he smiles at the sound. He doesn’t have to look to know it’s coming from the little record player that Christopher uses mostly when Buck comes over just so that Buck will know that Christopher has a record player just like his and be able to tell how cool he is. Buck, of course, tells him every time. 

Sticky with sweat from the hot car ride, Eddie hangs up his jacket and starts unbuttoning the sleeves of his (best) shirt as he moves through the house looking for Buck and Christopher. His son’s room is the obvious first choice, but a clatter from the kitchen redirects him and Eddie pushes through the closed door to find Buck standing at the sink. 

Music plays quietly from the radio attached to the underside of Eddie’s upper cabinets, a station that’s dangerously close to being more static than music, something that sets Eddie’s teeth on edge after about five minutes and that Buck never seems to notice at all. Meanwhile bubbles rise dangerously high in the sink while Buck fights with the lid of Eddie’s blender, too absorbed to notice him coming in the room. His sweater sleeves are rolled up and still soaked anyway, along with half of the counter. 

The knotted feeling in Eddie’s stomach keeps him from doing something like jabbing his fingers into the soft part of Buck’s side just to see if he’ll actually startle hard enough to throw the blender in the air. Instead he sneaks in, going for the radio and carefully adjusting the station until the signal comes in clear. 

I’m here, he announces. Are we going to talk about it or not?

Tagging: @mellaithwen @princessfbi @fleurdebeton @renecdote @hopeintheashes @like-the-rest-of-la @fcntasmas @sibylsleaves @honestlydarkprincess @bigfootsmom @rottenmarigolds @shortsighted-owl @thekristen999 @nymika-arts

[immabethehero]

The Scarecrows

Let’s go!!! Second week of @wdtajn!!! This story has been in my brain for a bit, glad to get it out!

CW: talk of slicing people open, cannibalism (feel free to skip this one if needed)

Lena Lopez has really nice fabrics in her house.

Probably not the thing to be thinking about, but Bruno has been looking for new clothes for his costume pieces. Trunks full of lovely clothes add to why she’s so revered as a scarecrow maker and seller. Bruno can already see some of her works in the corner, strapped to poles and ready to be sold. As Lena makes tea for them both, he studies the features of the scarecrows, the smooth clay of the faces almost making them human. They all look a bit older, like him. Some have patches of facial hair on the chin, others are smooth as a sheet. He turns away from the pile.

Her small cottage is near the edge of the Encanto, near where jaguar activity has been spotted. Bruno isn’t sure why a young woman would want to live near such a dangerous place. Rather large carpet samples hang on her walls, and the wooden floors are particularly shiny in the little light that shines into the house. Bruno can see only one window, and it’s in the living room, near the front door. How does Lena move around at night?

“Sorry for the mess, just moved and I’m still setting up shop, so I haven’t had a chance to put my carpets down,” Lena calls out from the kitchen. “It must be nice just staying in one place all your life.”

“It’s alright… though sometimes I try to look at different places, go beyond the Encanto,” Bruno says airily.

“Oh? How do you do that?” Lena asks, smiling.

“Mamá has a few books on geography. She wanted her kids to be ‘well-versed’ in the art of… knowing countries,” Bruno says. He immediately regrets over opening his mouth.

Lena laughs, a pretty jingling sound. Bruno doesn’t think that deserved a laugh, so maybe she’s just humoring him for the sake of it.

Lena finally comes out with a tray carrying two steaming cups of tea. Her pale skin, bright red lips and cocoa brown hair remind Bruno of a vampire, ready to eat. She sets the tea down and hands a cup to Bruno. A green smoke rises from his cup.

“Oh, how thoughtful! You chose green, my favourite colour,” Bruno says, fighting back a grimace. It stinks like a pig stye!

“Well, I figured you might like it, since we just met a few days ago,” Lena says. “So, what made you come visit little old me rather than the other new neighbours?”

“I don’t think you look old,” Bruno blurts out. He’s not even lying, Lena doesn’t look much older than thirty.

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Lena laughs. “I’m pushing 50 at this point.”

Crikey, she’s almost as old as him! “What’s your secret?” Bruno asks impulsively.

Lena smiles seductively and gestures to the tea with her blood red lips. “Why don’t you drink the tea and find out?”

Bruno looks down at the steaming tea, its putrid smell clogging his big nostrils. It’s times like these he wishes he didn’t inherit the big parts of his parents’ noses. He picks up the cup and takes a sip.

Already, he can feel his head spinning and bile threatening to leave his throat. Bruno grips the table to steady himself and sets the cup down.

Lena’s smile fades as she watches him waver in his seat. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine… I just don’t think that tea agreed with me…” The last thing Bruno sees before he blacks out is Lena’s bright blue eyes watching him intently.

*

As Bruno slowly comes to, he feels stiff. As he struggles to move, he feels his arms pulled out to the sides, ropes wrapped tightly around his bony wrists. His knees seem to be tied together with rope as well. Despite this, he stands upright, facing Lena’s back as she is bent over a table.

Bruno opens his mouth to speak, only to gag. His mouth tastes terrible. What the hell was in that tea?! The noise alerts Lena, who turns around. She’s put an apron over a dirty red dress and wears large black gloves.

“Oh! I didn’t expect you to wake up so early. Usually my guests drink the tea whole and never wake up again,” she says. “Oh well, I’ll try to be as quick as possible.”

Bruno coughs and spits. He clears his throat. “What?” Christ, now he can’t even speak properly.

“You probably want an explanation,” Lena says. Bruno nods desperately.

“Well, I guess I have time. Settle back on your pole, this will be a bit,” Lena says.

Bruno turns his head and stifles a scream. If he wasn’t moving, he’d fit right in with the rest of Lena’s scarecrows. Though, given how things are going right now…

“I never enjoyed the concept of aging,” Lena begins. “All my mother and older sisters ever did was complain about getting older, their fattening bodies, saggy skin, greying hair. The house always smelled of the ointments, perfume, and whatever else they’d use to make themselves look younger. Townsfolk would see us in the street and shake their heads at the older women.

“I never had a problem with my appearance. Everyone always said I was the prettiest of my family. Over the years, it became clear how I would have to keep my pretty face. I never married, never had kids, didn’t once help with cooking or cleaning. I stole money from my sisters to buy the best foods to keep my skin clear, expensive, beautiful dresses, hair dye that hid all the grey! Others called me useless, annoying, too vain to be around. It didn’t matter to me. All that mattered was looking young and beautiful.”

Ah, so she’s always been a piece of shit. At least Bruno doesn’t have to listen to a tragic backstory.

Lena’s smile fades  “But of course, beauty doesn’t last forever. On my 35th birthday, I woke up and saw grey in my hair. Normally, I would just buy more hair dye, but the store where I usually shopped had run out of the dye with my hair colour. I tried looking at other stores, but either they didn’t have it, or it was too pricey. My sisters refused to give me any more money, kicking me out of their homes, telling me I deserved it.

As I shamefully walked home, I could feel the stares of everyone in town. They whispered behind their hands, children giggled and called me una bruja. I couldn’t take it! I rushed to one of the highest bridges in the town that night, ready to end it all. But just as I was about to jump-

“A real witch appeared! She was an ugly thing, warts everywhere, horrid posture, stringy grey hair.” Lena shudders. “She said she had a way I could stay young and beautiful forever, but in return, I’d have to work for it.” At this, Lena wrinkles her nose. Bruno holds back a yawn.

“The next day, I set out to find a man. One with an upright job and reputation. I chose a baker with a bright eye, especially for me, and invited him for tea. Having had his love go unreciprocated for years, he agreed and saw me that night. I gave him a concoction that put him right to sleep, then tied him to a pole. I took my sharpest knife and cut clean into the skin. I cleaned out his body, grabbing every last organ and putting them in a stew.”

At this, Bruno blanches.

“When I drank it, I felt a rush of energy that I hadn’t felt since I was 18. I felt younger, healthier, and hungrier. But first, I had to finish my job. I sewed the baker back up, moved towns, and sold him to the first passing farmer in need of a scarecrow.”

Lena pulls out a rag and ties it around Bruno’s mouth. She then pulls a large knife from out of her apron. Bruno squirms in his bonds as the knife closes in on his ruana. He screams, the sound blocked by the rag and carpets.

“You’re quite skinny for a meal, but you should last me until I settle down in a new home. Now hold still…”

[takeshitakyuuto]

Trigun Book Club Update Trimax volume 2

Oh sweet Jesus just look at what I have to deal with here

These are THE SCANS. KMSSSSSS

Also, despite being intimately familiar with reading right to left, the fact that the next arrow is still the right one instead of the left one completely breaks my brain. Let’s see how this goes. Although I will say that this is a slight upgrade in that the last volume scanned two page spreads separately so I kinda had to imagine how they were supposed to look put together. I should’ve just bought the books

Ch 1. That’s also how I feel whenever I hear the saxophone my dad was a jazz saxophonist, I have a degree in classical oboe performance. How did this happen? idk

Jesus being crushed to death by the weight of other humans is a horrific way to die

Ch 2. Eat like a dog, Kaiba

Sorry I’m incapable of thinking about media outside of the contexts of other things I’ve read or seen, it’s in my nature. Remember that part in Hiraeth The End of the Journey where even though Hibino had a side cart for his motorcycle, he refused to let anyone ride in it because he was saving it for his soulmate? Yeah.

Totally obsessed with Raidei’s outfit

They say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight but they said nothing about a sword!

Ooooohhhhhhh it’s the last page of chapter two and I finally figured out that it’s supposed to be Raidei the Blade. I was like braid? Why braid what’s that supposed to mean?

Ch 3. Loving the title page art for this chapter

I will not make dirty jokes about Vash’s arm gun, I will not make dirty jokes about Vash’s arm gun, I w

Ngl, this fight reminded me of (oh god im doing it again) the coliseum chapter of Kino’s Journey. I’m leaving it at that but it seems like I’ve got a penchant for human-loving gunslinging protagonists

Ch 4. Chapter called Wolfwood? LETS GOOOOOO

Vash: I don’t kill people

Wolfwood: I do, get out of my way

The more interactions between Vash and Wolfwood I read, the more I understand why people ship them. Who doesn’t want someone to put your gun to their head and tell you to shoot them

Meryl and Millie! 🥹 It’s been so long!

They say lost technology a lot but this technology certainly doesn’t seem lost

Ch 5. Nico nii chan :3c (side note: totally forgot his first name was Nicholas for a second and thought it was a joke on him always smiling)

don’t click

I really do love how large of a role family plays in the story and the characters’ motivations and personalities. I still feel like we’re in the “early” part of the series, but to be already picking up on so many of these themes and motifs is really cool, and I’m definitely keen to see how they all come to a head in the series.

Love when there’s a kanji near the page fold and the scan makes it look like ▉

I’m still not sure what Y is... it seems like a group of bad guys? Maybe? Is it Kaiba’s group?

Ch 6. Gung Ho Guns just loves toying with Vash’s emotions huh

Ch 7. Sorry I’m laughing at Wolfwood’s sultry little pose in the chapter title art here

I’m on the verge of wringing the puppetmaster’s neck holy shit just speak Japanese for once please. All of you reading a translation- know you’re lucky

Final thoughts: This was definitely a lot more interesting than the last volume, and the pace seems to be picking up. I’m still kinda waiting for it to get out of “villain of the week” type plot, but at least we’re getting more depth out of it. Also, it seems like we’ve completely abandoned those twelve coin assassins at this point? There are some things I’m still unsure about, like Y, but I also know that I struggle to pick up on more indirect things in my second language, especially when it’s referencing something that we’re just supposed to figure out. So that’s my assumption on Y, but I still don’t have any ideas on why Wolfwood has such strong ties with it. Also, I feel like my thoughts were pretty short for this volume, but that’s also definitely because there was lots of action and fight scenes this time around, and my brain just kinda shuts off for those lolol

[jennilah]

personal rambling in public again

hey how ya doin

just kinda thinkin bout stuff and my year so far

i made a promise to fill this year with just as much events and exciting things as last year and I am making well on that so far, just not really in the way i expected!

i swear i came back from my easter vacation different

i came back from vacation to find out that many of my friends and coworkers were laid off (public news, i wont be getting into detail) and that really bummed me tf out. that was the start of my vibes being thrown off. theres been a kind of aura of sadness in the office ever since, to me at least.

my parents also very suddenly decided to sell the house, the one i grew up in. something thats bittersweet, but generally just another big change that was making me feel weird

then my rebellious phase really began

first, became a true stoner, and got my first tattoo. which quickly became planning my second tattoo (booked next month!)

yes, theres been many jokes about me entering my true form as an artist with the weed and the body art and all

and then, the biggest of all, i decided to say goodbye to my current studio and sign a contract with a new one.

this is the first time im leaving a studio by my own volition and not because i myself was laid off. (its a rough industry lol) its definitely different. a lot more emotional. my current studio is a place ive called home for many years and I really had an amazing time there, and ive made so many best friends and connections there. (its the first studio i worked for! after my brief stints at other studios i managed to end up right back where i started after a company merge lmfao)

i think i was non stop crying for five days straight last week, in utter turmoil deciding if i should stay at my current studio where im highly regarded and my job is as secure as possible (bc of how unstable the industry is right now with the writers strike) and i work with people i adore, or explore whats out there and try something new, but risky.

i ultimately decided to take the risk, expand my brain and see how another studio operates and make new connections and friends. if something happens and im the first to arrive, first to get cut- then so be it. ill make that mistake, then.

once i made the decision i have only felt more and more confident every day in that choice, and excited to start something new. i realize this was probably the exact last change ive been needing. everything else around me was suddenly changing and throwing me off, now i get to be in the driver's seat for a bit. just go all in and really enter a new chapter in my life, as corny as it sounds

anyway next thursday will be a very tearful goodbye again, i think. handing in my resignation i was a MESS. but im also excited! They dont do as many films, but they do a lot of really interesting shows on streaming. and i get to FINALLY call myself a SENIOR ANIMATOR. i already was one, but that studio had their own unique title system, and so it was never really clear to other people in the industry wtf level I am, esp with my very small amount of years of experience. I am officially a Senior Animator. feels nice.

and i also get to have a nice month-long vacation between jobs ^^ gonna take full advantage of relaxation and having free time. gonna even be able to visit my parents this summer, something i didnt think id have time to do. (and see that new house!!) (AND do the convention! and Art Fight! and get my second tattoo! and get back into that slasher-watching and TOTK-playing!)

this was longer than i planned imma go eat wendy's

[cangrellesteponme]

10, 12,14,17, 19 👁️👁️

10. what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

i’ve had to check my files for this. Sweeter Days (latest fic i posted, touchstarved vn) was in the drafts from april 13th 2023 to the very end of march 2024. nearly a year.

(and i thought it was the longest, but if we count drafts i do plan on finishing, it clearly isn’t. i started writing Running From Our Ends (kuro) on february 3rd 2022. it’s not done yet. there’s also the Breaking Point (d:bh) sequel but let’s not…)

(also, i wrote Staring Contest in like a day. so yeah not all fics are created equal…)

12. a trope you’re really into right now

right now, i think i have brainrot about two tropes: temporary amnesia and one-sided feelings. but that’s mostly for reading, i don’t write that at all (well… arguably Dichotomies (bnha) was one-sided). i don’t write a lot of tropes, but recently a lot of my writing has been about the mind and the body in conflict but also being one and the same?

14. where do you get your inspiration?

depends on what we’re talking about. for original works, my brain is just a little weird and comes up with weird stuff very often. for fanfic, mostly just from aspects of the characters i want to know more about? like how i wrote Staring Contest before we got a more detailed idea of how bard worked. and for poetry, my shower thoughts are very weird!

(as for art, which is not the focus here but who cares, i enjoy mashing concepts together a lot. so when i do more complex pieces, it’s mostly just that i thought of a thing and went “make it kuro!!”)

17. talk about your writing and editing process

well, The Ota Method is a mess. but it’s pretty systemised.

have some kind of weird thought and deem it worthy of being written.

run to pc (or, if we must, notebooks) and write the basics down (sometimes, a few lines)

whenever there’s enough time for that, do a little writing session (with background music ofc) and write as much information and details as possible. most of what i write then isn’t the actual words you’ll see in the final draft. it’s things like “something about fear but no fight-or-flight, sentiment left aimless as the fight has left him already.” (this is an actual quote from the first draft of dadbastian week day 7) that indicate what ideas i have, what metaphors i want to put in, but are simplified enough so i won’t be stuck on finding the right words immediately. usually when that’s done i have a more global idea of how it’s all going to look. (sometimes, a whole passage is often reduced to a sentence, something like: “after it’s done”, which is again a real quote from the same draft)

then, i do a second writing session. sometimes it’s later on the same day, or the next day, or it can be ages later. first draft notes are put in bold so they stand out as unfinished. and then i just write. one draft note can lead to something like “— it is hard to see any fear in him in the complete absence of fight-or-flight, hard to put an adequate name on this aimless and dulled terror, and the calm facade reigning over it all. Sebastian would once have found it fascinating. He is now appalled at the lack of fight left in his young master.” (again, from dadbastian week day 7) the process is repeated as many times as needed to finish the damn thing. i usually write paragraphs about feelings first, along with everything that involves metaphors. dialogues and more descriptive parts are often done last.

when it’s all done, it’s time to proofread (ugh) which first consists in checking that i didn’t forget to write anything, removing some repetitions (and sometimes adding some), making sure transitions make sense, and asking myself “does this actually convey the right thing?” which never leads me anywhere. and then i read it again and check for typos and other mistakes.

then i sigh as i remember i have to write a summary and figure out tags for ao3, i have a heated debate against myself about the rating, i give up and just pick one, do the things, struggle with formatting for a little while, and boom. posted.

19. the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

well. i don’t do historical research because i hate history (and i’m very dumb), so that’s 99% of the interesting things out of the way. most of my research is one of three things: i’m trying to understand every single way a word or phrase can be used and understood in english (or just making sure i’m remembering it right, or checking that my vocabulary choices match the typical british standard), i want to have a specific image in mind about a thing i’m writing even if i don’t describe it (this is mostly about fashion. and food, oddly enough), or i’m neck deep into psychology and psychiatry for some obscure reason (so far, for all of my writing, i’ve researched anxiety, bpd, npd, aspd, bipolar but just the diagnosis criteria, ptsd, and cptsd. don’t ask me why, it just comes up!!)

I’d say the most interesting one was… well. it’s a tie between looking up the recipes of a bunch of lemon cakes and aspd.

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (14/05/23)

3 new manga this week wao, busy week for m+ (tho there were more I'm not reading) the one of most note is nue, the last of this WSJ serialization round and the one I was looking forward to the most, despite 2 of the other manga being by fujimaki and the shokugeki duo. sadly it didn't live up to my expectations but I talk about it more under there 👇

also I watched all anime episodes yesterday since mal was down for like 3 days thanks to a brainless hacker, I know I coulda just watched and updated it after it got fixed but I stubbornly like to do things a certain way tehe anyhoo

oh also there was a new chap of strike it rich but because of how comikey works I can't read it for free til there's a new chap in 2 week (yikes) so that's why it's not here, I'll be keeping a lookout for alternative sources for it but until then I'll just have to be behind ugh

green - new series/new to me

Anime

Megumin Ep6

honestly the last or this episode coulda been the last and the anime woulda prob been a lot better, dunno how they're gonna fill 6 more episodes but we'll see. it was cute seeing the backstory of megumin's cape, staff and eyepatch tho

Imas CG: U149 Ep6

very good episode, in every way, voices, character acting, like usual I know ofc ofc. it's funny seeing haru always comparing idol stuff to soccer to make it more relatable to herself while the producer plays along (as he should) while everyone else is flabbergasted. as soon as they were talking about outfits at the start I knew what the ep was gonna be about (and what the solution was) but it was still good. and let me tell you, it was extremely brained for them to have the new LiPPS song as the insert for the anime at the same time as the event for it came out in the game, it's free hype real estate baby.

Mashle Ep6

I was actually pretty impressive with how the fight looked (compared to the rest of the anime) and the addition of him and mash's reflection on the metal (wasn't in the manga I checked) was really cool. it gives me some hope for the future of the anime, not much but some hope.

Pokemon Horizons Ep6

good ep but it's weird as hell just seeing shiny ray in an anime episode. done with the roy introduction arc so things can start moving forward now, tho they still won't be getting to paldea next time. however they did tease that the bocchi voiced character is part of the ship, which is funny cause they always show the damn duck in her videos so it was right there all along, we're just blind fools

Jigokuraku Ep7

nice episode, next one is gonna be The Door and the start of quite a long stretch of action, tho it won't extend to the finale. considering where we are I have a pretty good idea where it'll end (setting off from the cave iykyk). I thought it was pretty funny how they straight up just delete the tensen's nipples instead of using god rays or stuff like that since it'd be too much of a bother during fights, and honestly I much prefer this to making the fights look worse. however they did use god rays to censor mei so that was good. also also when I was reading it I said this, and during the ep I looked it up and they do indeed all have the same seiyuu, one for the female form (kaida yuuko) and another for the male (suwabe junichi), so that's v fun, glad they actually went through with it

Manga

Nue's Exorcist Ch1

MAN, out of the 4 new series, even with fujimaki and the shokugeki duo, this was the series I was the most excited for but if I had to be honest it had the weakest ch1 out of all of them :( it's a real shame. the art is really good, very clean lines and very readable, everything stands out as it should and the designs are good. however, I don't think it did a good enough job at setting up it's premise as the other 3, rn it's basically just the mc going "I want to be strong enough to protect everyone" and I don't think that's enough. we'll see how it goes in the next few chaps, but if something of note doesn't happened in the next handful of chaps I could easily see it suffering the same fate as tokyo demon bride which would be sad. I'll try to keep my hope up anyway, I know I only feel like this cause I had such high expectations for it when I shouldn't but oh well

Blooming Love Ch1 - 3

didn't really have any expectations going in but it's pretty cute art club president meets a craftsman girl, who is trying to get better at art, and becomes captivated by how earnest she is about things art is very nice and clean and the characters are expressive, could be a nice little romance if it can last for some time

Kindergarten WARS Ch1 - 3

jump + title and first indie series to get picked up by m+ it's kinda like an alt universe sakamoto, the premise is "the safest kindergarten in the world" which is protected by criminals trying to earn their freedom it currently has around 30 chaps so it's gonna take a while to catch up even if they do 2 or 3 chaps a week anyway it's good, I was the most surprised by how good the action looks but even outside of that it's good. at the end of chap 2 I was like "I hope the formula isn't always like this or it'll get old fast" but chap 3 was completely different so that got rid of my worries. I can totally see why it's so popular in jp (over 1M views weekly) so looking forward to the extra chaps til we catch up in the coming months

Dandadan Ch105

you know, last chap I was bitching about this flashback arc being a bit too long but that ending was just great, really managed to stick the landing there

One Punch Man Ch182

damn ai strikes again to ruin everything smh but anyway, plot? in opm? what the hell is going on. it do be p interesting tho, wonder if there'll be "s rank" vs s rank hero fights 👀

Saihate Quarter Ch11

chap was nice, if nothing else just for the shounen references, otherwise was mostly just exposition from luci

Tokyo Underworld Ch40

honestly never knew that's how leonidas went so that's neat, decent chap overall anyway, finally learned some stuff about the twins' power and the leonidas fight finally moving along, tho there's still gonna be cao cao after this so still gonna be on this arc for a while

The Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins Ch25

damn he really did wake up, kept waiting for it to be like "ahah it looked like he did but he didn't", at least with him up now shouldn't be too long for the end

Fabricant 100 Ch21

ok chap, not much to say, just the start of the final fight

Kill Blue Ch4

nice and action filled chap, with a sprinkling of overall plot too, well see what it does now that this little 2 parter is done but it's been pretty decent so far

Do Retry Ch2

really good ch2, art maintained it's quality, introduced new charas, progressed the plot, did it's job overall. we'll see how it goes in the next few chaps tho, still too early to see if it'll live the initial gauntlet or not

Witch Watch Ch108

god damnit I knew it was too good for it to happen so fast, still it's some progress so it's better than nothing I guess

Blue Box Ch100

I knew there was no way they were gonna meet so fast, especially after they mentioned the sky trip at the beggining but still had some hope argh. karen teasing ayame was good too tho lol, and those pages with taiki reminiscing about past moments with natsu were fitting for a chap100, overall really good chap

Cipher Academy Ch23

chap felt longer than it was, but it makes sense since it's nisio and has so much text. I was worried cause of cipher's continuously low placements, but it doesn't seem to be wrapping up yet so that gives me some hope. tho it could just end suddenly and that'd be wack but we'll see... good chap tho, iroha finally making up with toshusai's other goon and introducing the new conflict and "villains" for the upcoming arc. I really do hope it doesn't get canceled it'd be a shame to lose a nisio series

Spy x Family Ch80

continuation of the plot from last time, nice lil chap, despite how annoying yuri is, but the best part was there being a rare overarching plot related thing at the end, been a while since something like that

Tenmaku Cinema Ch5

nice chap, kurai is cute and next chap should be good too, seeing her really dive into her character and all that. I know I say this every chap but it do be nice to see how passionate and knowledgable tsukuda is about cinema

Mashle Ch155

good action chap with really crazy shots, reminded me of the headmaster fight from a while ago, tho I still think that one was cooler, so far, but hoping this one will surprass it since it's the finale

Undead Unluck Ch158

a fitting chapter for mother's day, not much to say but it was good

Sakamoto Days Ch118

it woulda already been a good chap with how cool this sakamoto scene was but the one with rion and uzuki at the end were good too, great chap. shouldn't be much longer til this flashback arc is over considering what happened at the end

The Elusive Samurai Ch109

really good chap, interested to see where we're going from here since the heroes will have to rebuild their forces quite a bit to go against takauji again I trust matsui tho

Akane-banashi Ch61

I haven't said this in a while but akane is still my favourite series on jump right now. the scene right before this cap gave me goosebumps and I KNEW what was coming that's how it was. goddddddd please, trust me, even if you think you wouldn't like rakugo, or that it's boring, or that it wouldn't fit a manga, just read it. it's so good man

[invisiblegarters]

Jack o' Frost Ep 6 - Finale

Getting around to this a tiny bit late because Midnight Museum has eaten my entire brain, but not as late as I could be (speaking of, MM ends this week so some sort of "here's what I missed when I was obsessing over the story of a maybe-alien and his immortal museum owning boyfriend brother" post will probably be coming. Or two. I don't know I often have too much to say about things).

Anywho.

When last we left off, Ritsu and Fumiya had decided to take some time apart, and that was probably for the best. Frankly Ritsu had every right to be furious, and everyone involved knew it. I don't think that he was pissed, though. At first, yes, but at the end he mostly just seemed sort of sad. Here he was falling in love with this man and it turns out that he'd both already done that and had the full relationship, complete with unhappy ending. Only the one person who should have told him that decided to use his amnesia as a reset button. While I can see the temptation, I also think it's kinda slimy and I wouldn't blame Ritsu for staying away for good.

Oh, the air of melancholy is definitely back. It went missing for a few episodes there.

Okay Fumiya's frustrated yell made me laugh. I get that he probably feels that he's not allowed to go after Ritsu, that he fucked up too much, and well. He did. A lot. But also, not going after Ritsu has been his issue all along. Over and over he decides to leave things to lie rather than try to fight for what he wants, and over and over that has been shown to be the wrong choice. It's Ritsu's decision, ultimately, whether he can learn to forgive Fumiya for what's happened, but I do think that Fumiya should consider letting him know that that's what he wants. Even if ultimately he's rejected. When has keeping his mouth shut worked for him?

HA! It' just doesn't feel like a proper JBL without someone running to their love interest (or chasing their LI around a school, if you're Hira and Kiyoi).

It'll be cute if they come together at the cafe. Like coming full circle.

It's gotta be so weird to take a trip down memory lane when you have a big blank spot in said memory.

Aw, was Ritsu into Fumiya before the cafe? And did he pursue art because of his priase? That's cute. That's very cute. And I mean, I can't say I blame him for wanting to draw Fumiya's face all the time. He's very handsome.

I'm glad he's remembering. While I get the impulse to want to forget all about a relationship when it ends, you'd lose all the good things, too.

Oh the melting effect on the window was nifty.

Um, I don't know. I think hiding a first meeting is a little less a violation than hiding an entire relationship, but that might just be me.

So are they gonna work on their issues here or what? Guys? Those issues that broke you up in the first place?

Okay I'm gonna take Ritsu saying he doesn't want to start over as him saying that they're gonna meet each other halfway as the people they are - the same people that broke up. Because otherwise I'll just work myself into a lather thinking about how saying you're gonna restart doesn't actually do anything without putting in the work to not end up in the same place you were before, and no one wants that.

To be fair I don't really think either of them wanted to break up in the beginning either. I just know that unless we actively try to avoid them, we are often doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

The end was cute, though. Maybe Fumiya is learning to chill a little. And I'll pretend that Ritsu got up afterwards and helped out, rejuvinated.

Final verdict: 8/10. I'm not sure it stuck the landing for me, but I really liked getting to this point. I enjoyed the quiet wistfulness, I loved that this was more adult and that Suzuki Kosuke got a lead role. I also really liked the way it was arranged - the flashbacks into their former relationship bleeding into the way that Fumiya acts with Ritsu, the echoes of how they used to be vs what they are now. I think maybe second chance romances aren't often for me, though, and that might be part of why I'm feeling kind of meh on this here at the end.

[galezellybelly]

doing this cos im bored!! (ik it's actually supposed to be an ask game but uh. i wanna do it) answers under cut!

no lol i hate their asses

my beautiful gorgeous goddess gf

yeah.

oh so incredibly insecure. and in the weirdest ways possible, too

takennnn

being so incredibly fr i'll prolly accidentally kill myself. not like tomorrow or anytime soon but i'll get older and be like "yeah no i can die now. imma go do xyz obviously dangerous thing hold my drink"

i had lemon water this morning (it counts okay)

i have in the past, yes. very badly

used to, but when i got braces it hurt to and after they got taken off the habit was mostly broken

i do martial arts so like. last week. i've never street fought anyone tho (lowkey wannna to see if i could take them tho. for funsies)

yeah my girlfriend (we're dating but i still have like. a huge crush on her)

i've stayed up 6 days straight, during a finals week (and came out with a 4.0 somehow) so yes

idk. probably but if i don't like someone i usually remove them from my psyche

no actually, not someone that's emotionally gone or anything. a lot of people i used to know kinda sucked. i miss my friends all the time, but i don't think that's what they mean

two mini aussies!

being so honest? tired and stressed because im so behind on a lot of work and starting to fear it wont get done in time. but its okay, the world will keep spinning even if i miss the deadline. the brain parasites have been NASTLY lately tho so im lowkey thinking everyone hates me. its like fine tho ik its not true

yeah.

i love spiders actually they're really cute imo. still freak out for a sec tho sometimes

no.

her bed :p

imma see if i can arrange to go to the fair with my friends!

i am NOT giving birth and i don't trust myself to raise a full ass organic kid. if i end up wanting kids i'll foster or adopt, though

only the standard ear piercings, though i wanna get more (SO many more)

idk prolly like. english im good at that stuff. math if i actually pay attention, but i hate it

nope they can suck my not-yet-existent dick

one of those ultraviolet monsters. or a code red mountain dew. anything that tastes like battery acid would do rn tbh

doubt it lol

nope

yeah bcuz i was crying and it made her cry lol

the fact that im answering a list of questions instead of getting off my ass and doing the work im so worried about

i've been told they do. working on believing it :3

ooooo i like a lot of them. anything bright and eyestrain-y

hell yeah i do 🙌

a version of my friend that wasn't actually them but like. in the dream they were. yk?

my girlfriend

not really. if it was a genuine mistake, yeah, but if it was just being shitty then hell no

forget, definitely. but i usually can forgive before i manage to forget

yeah, so far. although 2023 has some weird nostalgia to it that i don't feel anymore

13 lol

no??

this one specific brand of spicy noodles

not really for a reason, no. but i think everything that happens was supposed to, even if it doesn't necessarily affect the final outcome

painted my nails, for some reason

okay hear me out. if you are in an abusive relationship and cannot leave but find someone you love and they know you can't leave, i think it would be fine to date them. unless it's a situation like that, where you can't leave the relationship, than no.

i try not to be, although i suspect i too often speak before i think

in martial art, prolly like. idk a lot. like i said tho no street fights yet

i don't know. i don't think that how you feel about someone can be predetermined or "meant to be" everyone has differences and fights; it's up to you and your partner(s) to figure out how to deal with them.

i answered this one on an ask but i'll go with rain =]

when its good snow and not just dirty slush, yeah

i'd be happy just being in a relationship with my partner for the rest of my life without having to officially get married, but ig the tax benefits would be nice

yeahhhh lol

the people i love

not legally. the government doesn't have to know. but just in friend circles yeah, i might

not at all

(gonna remove the "opposite sex" part of these questions lol) i mean. my gf was my best friend before we were dating. she still is. but if another one of my friends told me that. uh. i would be flattered but IM MARRIED

yeah! a lot of them, actually. im very lucky

i mean the last person i talked to was one of my friends. uh.

probably also one of my friends, if you can call that a deep conversation

yes and no

yeah, in a minute. so many of them

it only goes till 60 cuz the original list skipped from 40 to 51 lol

this was not read thru and heavily unedited so uh. sorry

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[hurryupmerlin]

There's a lot going on in my life and today has been hard, cos I spent all day fighting a mental breakdown. I mean, it was just a question of time, really. I've felt it coming for weeks. But I still wish I could feel something else.

So here's a diary entry in hopes of someday reading it and thinking "man, things have be shit but it turned out just fine after all."

In January I posted my to do list for 2024 here. More than half a year has passed since then and unfortunately nothing from this list is checked off and there has been gradually less good news to report with each new month.

All my life I have never had the stamina to learn an instrument. When I stumbled across Handpans, the opportunity arose to change that. I've since been to two beginner workshops and the organizer was gracious enough to lend me a handpan for a month. I was really motivated to follow through with his 17-days-challenge because I knew if I could manage to play every day, even if it was just a few minutes, I had a real chance of forming a habit and finally fulfilling my dream of mastering an instrument. But my days were long. I set up the handpan a few times at ten o'clock at night or even later, completely exhausted. And then came the executive dysfunction. Every day I see her standing there. Every day I want to play it. Every day something in my head blocks me of setting it up. The fear of having to explain to Pierre that I've only played it 5 times this month eats away at me. I want to play. But I can't. And in four days, the month will be over and I'll have to give it back. He'll then ask me if Handpan isn't for me after all. And I'll say: "Yes, it is. It makes me happy. It's fun. It's healing something inside of me. I can let go of the world when I'm just playing for myself. But my broken ADHD brain won't let me and I don't have the money to buy my own and stash it in the closet for the few times a year that I have the strenght to set it up and play." It feels like losing. Like I missed my one chance for something great, that could've changed me for the better.

When I moved into the house, I had these fantasies of sitting at my desk in my tidy, light-filled beautiful room. Drawing digitally, writing, singing. Painting on canvas and composing music. But my aunt interfered in my life and the building site has been frozen ever since. I live between masking film and plaster dust. I've been incapacitated and feel so powerless and helpless. I want progress. And I want my art back.

And then there's the matter of the dog. That goddamn dog Kröte. My colleague told me there's a technical term for when you make a terribly bad financial decision and then cling to it, pouring more and more money and resources into it in the desperate hope of turning it around. She couldn't remember the term, tho. I could be so happy with just my own dog, but instead I've brought this beast into the house. Because of which my own dog has to spend every day alone at home and because of which my neighbors hate me. Because of which my house stinks of piss and because of which my ears are ringing with barking.

My car has been giving me problems since September last year. I've lost track of how many thousands of euros I've spent trying to get the recurring fault fixed. Something between 4500-6000 euros. Most recently it was in the workshop for a month. What's more, after every repair, another new fault occurs. I can't take any more. Emotionally and financially. My aunt's friend is urging me to take it back to his garage. But I thought I'd made myself clear when I said "if it's not fixed this time, I'll keep driving it until the engine fails and I break down." I was supposed to bring my car over today. Which of course I wasn't told directly again, but via the old game of wisper down the lane. Which I said before I will not accept any longer. I put my cell phone on airplane mode afterwards. I can't do it anymore. It's Saturday and I finally needed a day off. I've been borrowing spoons from the future for days - my body told me very clearly that I had overspent.

Things aren't going well at work either. It's not news that we're bankrupt. But the way our bosses and colleagues treat us graphic designers is now unacceptably disrespectful. I am the only employee left who is still interested in contributing her own ideas in order to offer the company advantages and new opportunities. That makes me stand out - in a negative way. Because thinking along might officially be required, but since it also shows where the problems lie, it's actually unwanted. The very real fear of losing my job while being in debt so badly is gnawing on me every day. I am on the hit list. They just need me to finish a few projects first.

Despite all this I cling to hope.

[v33-th3-z0m-b]

That Witch!!!!

For the past few days, Misty and I have been freeloading at Eve's apartment across town. Remember when I said I had a band..Yeah, I had a band and I played bass.

AND I WICKED GOOD AT IT.

Eve held on to me and Misty's instruments. Once Misty got a hold of her guitar it was like a ray of light busted out of her. I would've shed a tear if I could. It was like muscle memory, I started playing with Misty, and Eve got on her keyboard. It was so fulfilling. But I still felt like something was missing. when I would ask Eve questions she would brush it off or act like she doesn't know anything. you would think being the only alive person in the group they would have all the answers.

Two hours ago, I was eating a raw steak. I haven't had that normal zombie "BRAAAIIIINNNNSS" cravings yet, I'm not willing to find out so I eat raw meat instead. I was watching the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards with Misty and this girl appeared on screen. She looked so familiar but I couldn't put my tongue on it. I called Eve and she instantly tried to turn off the TV. Thank goodness Ghosts are faster than humans. "Answer the question Eve....Who is that". like it was waiting for that question, the announcer introduced the celebrity who will be reading this year's best Burp award.

Angelia Gayle.

Angelia Gayle??? ANGELIA GAYLE????? all the memories of that name flooded into my head. Angelia Gayle was our pick-me lead singer. But she looks perfect, not a scratch, no scaring, not even blemish. "Eve, how does she look so perfect?" I practically shouted at her. Misty was on my side (total best for unlife) "Just fess up Eve she's been asking for days, there's no reason to lie now."

after a few minutes, Eve Finally says something. "It's her Fault....all her fault."

That's when she told me everything. Our band fell apart after Misty died from carbon monoxide poisoning last fall. She said Angelia wanted to instantly replace her as the band guitarist but I disagreed. Eve said me and Angelia got into a big fight and the band disbanded after that.

then I remembered how I died, Angelia had called me one night saying she wanted to talk. she told me to meet her at Misty's gave. when I got there she was holding this thick book. Angelia told me there was a label recruiter coming into town the week after. I told her that I wasn't playing with some random. and I could hear her words like she was right in front of me saying them for the first time. "I know, I don't need your bass skills. I only need your soul." after that it's black. Eve tells me the book she was holding was the Book of the Dead.

After she buried me in the shallow grave of my closest friend Eve says she went to my house. she was the one that burnt my house to the ground, to cover her tracks. " that was where I got my scars." Eve showed the side of her face that was usually covered with hair. "Angelia called me over to Veronica's house, she burnt me to make sure I wouldn't tell anyone."

THAT NO GOOD SOULESS WITCH!!

She used my body for a dark arts fame spell and is now reaping the benefits. I know why I came back now... For Revenge.

I am going to overthrow that sick princess from her crooked throne. The Deadly Night Shade will rise in popularity...wayyyy more popular than "AnGeLiA gAyLe." And when she realizes her sins have come back to haunt her..... I'M GOING TO EAT THAT WITCH'S BRAINS OUT!!