#my area literally gets told shit like 'oh you have culture here?' OF FUCKING COURSE WE DO

[throwing-roses-into-the-abyss]

also ngl but I HATE the suggestion that if an historical object is not just of local importance but of national importance, it therefore by definition has to go to a big museum like the rijksmuseum in amsterdam. like why shouldn't local museums hold important objects if they can. it belongs to the local people, it's their stuff, let them keep it. rural people already have to travel across the country for everything deemed Cultural, why do the big cities get to hog everything, are city people more important than rural people?

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Hi! What is your very specific Twilight AU?

okay, so. New Moon.

party disaster, dumping her and dipping, all happens normally.

but THEN. Bella finds out she’s pregnant.

(and I know you’re thinking- pre-marital sex?!?! Edward would NEVER! but listen. I am the author now. I’ve been around Christians my whole life. shut up!)

so anyway after a million pregnancy tests and a lot of googling about vampire baby legends, Bella’s like...well this is probably gonna be a situation,

Nessie doesn’t have an insane growth rate here because I hate that, so she has a normal amount of time to prepare, and she’s very...aware that the birth is gonna be Rough at best. So she goes to Jacob

who is NOT a wolf yet but Is aware of the pack and the treaty, and they are closer friends already, and she’s like ‘hey. paranormal emergency. you’re the only person in this town who enables me. help.’

 and Jacob’s like I’m Fucking Fifteen and goes and gets Leah, since she’s technically an adult and a girl

(ms. meyer How did you make one of leah’s only 3 character traits ‘upset she’s infertile’ and then not have her support bella’s choices in breaking dawn please make it make sense)

 so they start brainstorming solutions and the best they can work with is. Bella’s gotta ride out the pregnancy in hiding. they have no way of knowing whether she can survive the pregnancy and the only clue they have about whether the baby will be a monster or not is from google searches, but they also can’t exactly take her to an obgyn when her uterus feels like it’s calcified and her ribs are getting broken and she seems to be craving blood

So, Leah’s got her own little place. Bella moves in there, telling Charlie she wants to move back in with Renee (she knows her parents would never willingly call each other so as long as she keeps up communicating with both of them they should be none the wiser of her growing a little dracula in Leah Clearwater’s basement).

Leah has already defected from the wolf pack at this point (because...the Cullen’s left and she didn’t really like any of the guys anyway lmao) so they don’t run the risk of them hearing her thoughts while she’s in wolf form. She goes out and hunts animals, brings them back and her and Jake drain the blood from them so Bella can drink it. All three of them find this extremely disgusting obviously but Jake’s loyal and a little bit lovestruck, Leah’s a supportive friend and queen, and Bella’s just trying to keep her and her baby alive, and none of them feel like trying to rob a blood bank

Bella is 100% certain the baby will just be a baby who happens to like blood, like she was in bd, but the tentative plan is that if a crazy soulless monster comes out of her Leah will...handle that...

Which neither are thrilled about, so Bella’s just trying to focus on staying positive. And between that, trying to survive and stay hidden, Bella doesn’t really have time to...Check Out the way she did in new moon. Like, she’s absolutely still depressed, and she’s still getting an occasional Edward hallucination because carrying a vampire baby counts as reckless in many books, but she’s just more...resigned and pissed than anything. She’ll have days like the ‘possibilities’ scene, but more often than not she’s just telling the Edward hallucination to go fuck himself when he’s begging her to find the real him so they can have Carlisle deal with the pregnancy 

at some point, Seth gets roped into the whole mess (he’s prone to just breaking into his sister’s house) but since he’s like, 13 and The Best Baby Boy he’s immediately supportive. He didn’t even fucking know about the wolves and the vampires until he walked in on a six months pregnant Bella drinking blood while his sister and Jacob are hacking away at a dead deer, but he’s like...you know when you were 13 and sneaking around about Anything made you feel like the coolest person alive? point is he’s helpful

AND he can get away with spending a lot of time at Leah’s house without anyone finding it weird, unlike Jacob, so he starts spending most of his free time there keeping Bella company and brightening her day up

HE is the one who enables her when she comes up with the name Renesmee lmao

(just because she hates Edward doesn’t mean Esme ever did anything wrong!)

“bella I’ll throw you out of this house if you don’t come up with a real name” “leah she’s white you can’t just disrespect her culture like this omg”

anyway these four become the DORKIEST and WEIRDEST little family it’s cute

so then. labor.

it’s less...graphic than in bd because Bella hasn’t been actively dying the whole pregnancy and she doesn’t snap her spine in half, but it’s still. bad.

she essentially delivers a rock that Nessie then begins chewing her way out of. she’s actively bleeding out. Jacob’s having a panic attack. Leah made Seth watch so he would never have unprotected sex and the scare tactic is working. Leah’s covered in Bella’s blood which is not great considering she’s Holding A Rock That A Vampire Is Emerging From

Leah’s been taking classes and researching deliveries so she needs to stitch Bella up and see what else is wrong but Seth is rocking back and forth on the floor crying and Jacob’s screaming and pacing too fast to grab so she’s like. Bella babe I know you’re dying but you need to hold this thing for me ksjdfllksf

so while she’s handling That, Bella’s got this weird little rock in her arms and is watching the baby slowly fight it’s way out like this is a very fucked up egg or something and she’s just. overwhelmed. maybe it’s the blood loss but she’s looking at the messy, scrunchy little face and she’s already in love and envisioning their lives together.

and then, you know, the baby bites her,

she has just enough time to think ‘how did we not think to prepare for that’ before she can feel the venom coursing through her. it’s just as bad as she remembers from James’ bite but somehow...easier to tolerate. she blacks out pretty quickly

the other 3 notice and are like : 👁👄👁

Jacob...literally explodes into a wolf On Spot

Seth darts out the fucking door he’s seen enough for one day

Leah, sole holder of the braincell, realizes Nessie just bit and isn’t drinking from Bella, and deduces this is like...a survival instinct or something. the baby instinctively changes it’s mother first thing. weirdly...touching? 

So she gets the baby and checks that everything is physically okay with Bella (apart from you know. changing species) and is like...guess this is an issue for 3 days from now Leah

more immediate pressing issues: screaming new born baby and oh, yeah, the giant red wolf in the basement,

“Jacob I know this is disorienting but if you break anything in my house I’ll fucking kill you”

she really just leaves the poor boy to go get the baby cleaned up and warm up some of the frozen blood they’ve got in her fridge (RUINING HER TUPPERWARE, BELLA)

she’s not worried about the wolf pack mind meld yet because she knows Sam took the guys on a mission way farther up the coast for a few days and they’ll be too far away to hear Jake. hopefully, by the time they get back, Bella will be awake and they’ll have made an escape plan by then

and as she’s bottle feeding blood to the baby she’s thrilled that it seems to be like...relatively normal and not s horrific monster or anything. mission: unwillingly murder my best friend’s baby has been successfully canceled 

“Oh Goddamn it....Renesmee DOES fit you...”

Seth, from where he’s cowering behind the couch: “told you”

so, Jake eventually calms down, they spend the next few days cooing over Nessie and brainstorming how to handle Bella when she wakes up a vampire, and also nicknaming Nessie ‘Nessie’ because they know Bella will find that intolerable and they feel she deserves karmic punishment for stressing them out so much lmao

so, three days are up. Seth’s upstairs putting on a way-too-elaborate puppet show for the baby with not a care in the world. Leah and Jake are in the basement because they know Bella probably won’t want their wolf blood and their ready to phase in case she gets a little aggressive

but she just wakes up and is like. hey! how’s it going? where’s my baby?

sjdhfksdj they were expecting feral but Bella still has her super self-control. she didn’t even realize she’d changed into a vampire until they told her lmao

Bella’s a little too freaked out to try hunting yet so they give her some of the stored blood they’ve been feeding Ness and she’s like. good to go. Leah’s about to scream like have the elders been exaggerating this whole time or is Bella truly a freak??? lol

So, they spend a couple days just...relaxing, Bella and Renesmee bonding, they’re trying to come up with fun places Bella can move to with the baby so no one she knows finds out, and every now and then Leah and Jake go out and she tries to help him get the wolf thing under control

and then,,,,the pack get back from their mission early

and immediately are able to read Jacob’s mind

so they head over to Start Shit because there’s two bloodsuckers on their land but,

the pack not attacking because Jake imprinted on Renesmee? tired. the pack not attacking because Jake’s Alpha Genes have taken over and declared Nessie and Bella as part of his Pack and attacking would literally start a war? inspired

so they hash the whole thing out....ultimately Sam decides Bella is more of a victim than a threat, and since neither her or Nessie seem to be going on a bloodlust rampage any time soon...he decides to grant them immunity from the whole ‘kill the vampires’ rule. He’ll let her and her daughter stay in La Push as long as they agree to stick to animals and only hunt out of town. PLUS from what little Bella knows about the Volturi, she’s worried about them finding out about Nessie, so they’ll offer protection if that does happen, in exchange for her being able to help them with intel on any other vampire threats in the area (you know like. if a nomad is fucking stuff up in a nearby city, they’ll send her to talk to them first before deciding if they need to intervene. Sam has become acutely aware he has a lot of teens and kids in his pack, so he’s trying to keep them out of fights as much as possible)  

anyway that’s the story of Nessie gaining like 17 chaotic as hell ride or die uncles,

let’s fast forward a bit

it’s like 15 years later. Bella’s not living with Leah anymore, but she’s got a cute apartment in a nearby town, and owns and runs a bookstore on the first floor of it. she got her ged and did college online and teaches night classes at a community college. She’s still in contact with her parents, who Adore the life out of Nessie. She still helps the pack out and they’re all close. Nessie is a handful but in a fun and lovable way. They go on little weekend trips whenever they have time. Bella’s happy.

but then a. Situation. arises.

basically, the Volturi have been made aware of some unknown vampire chasing others out of the pacific northwest and conspiring with shapeshifters. and you know when Aro gets curious he tends to spin things dramatically. who’s to say this vampire isn’t conspiring against all vampires? against them? why has no one’s special talents worked on her? he simply must find out.

Bella and the Pack get word and decide their best course of action for now is to go on the run. they’re not gonna be able to take on a whole army but if they can bide some time and lay low they might be able to figure something out

except Bella is like....I have a teenage hybrid that the Volturi don’t know about yet...it would be EXTREMELY irresponsible to take her with me

but she can’t send Nessie to Charlie or Renee because they don’t know about her...dietary restrictions. She can’t stay with Billy or anyone else in La Push because the Volturi might trace the pack’s scent there and discover her. She’s panicking, they have to leave in a few days max and she can’t find a safe place for her daughter

and then she’s like.....fuck.

she had run into Jasper a couple of years ago- they have the same forgery guy and were heading to his building around the same time as a coincidence. She promised to forgive him for the party incident if he promised not to tell Edward he saw her and that she’s a vampire now. He agreed, but then told her Edward’s been living on his own for a while now and insisted on giving her his number...she never could bring herself to call it or delete it...but now...if she wants to be 100% Nessie is safe and protected...

fuck

So, the past 15 years have been fairly rough for Edward

he’s still convinced leaving in order to save Bella was the best course of action, but like...the vampires canonically mate for life. that’s his soulmate. he’s absolutely miserable without her. he’s thought about cracking and going to find her again but he always talks himself out of it, convinced she’d just tell him she hates him or something

so as stated in his patented Edward Cullen Self Loathing Guide, first thing to do is isolate yourself from all the lovebirds you usually live with. Sure, he keeps in contact, but...not well. he’s currently living alone and posing as a university student. He’s not even really sure what he’s supposed to be majoring in. He’s mostly been in a haze since he left Forks.

and one day....he gets a call from an unknown number. he ignores it, thinking it’s a spam call. but then it calls like 8 more times in a row and he figures answering might be a bit smarter than simply throwing it at the wall

And Edward...swears he came back to life and immediately had a heart attack the second he hears Bella’s voice

He feels breathless and disoriented the whole conversation, trying to figure out if his memory did her voice any justice, trying to rush out 15 years worth of apologies, trying to comprehend she’s actually speaking to him.

But Bella’s very blunt on the phone. She doesn’t want to let herself get emotional. She’s on a time limit, and she has to focus on getting her daughter to safety

And Edward swears he somehow misheard her the first ten or so times she told him. He had a daughter? that wasn’t possible

“she has the audacity to be your Evil Twin so I’m pretty sure it’s possible”

so she gives him a rundown. she needs to go into hiding, no I don’t need your help with that, gives him details about Nessie, what she’s like, what she likes to do, her diet, her favorite color, how annoyed she is by this whole situation, “Edward I know you don’t love me anymore, but I remember how protective you were, and that’s what I need Nessie to have right now. She needs you right now” and Edward wants so badly to refute Bella’s claim of lost love, to tell her he has absolutely no idea how to be a parent, but...her tone is aching so much he can barely speak. He can’t let Bella down again, and he can’t let this little girl he foolishly created and left down anymore than he already has, either.

So he agrees, she tells him to be at the airport in a few days, and hangs up. 

Edward loses about half a day staring at a wall in shock, before he jumps into preparations.

Bella told him while their daughter possessed some speed and strength, hunting was fairly dangerous for her. She was more delicate than his kind, and had a heartbeat. Reheated blood bags had been their best option, and she also needed human food as well. He also had to get a room ready for her- he wandered around stores for hours, reading young girls minds to see if there was any furniture or decorations that were universally liked- which was of course, fruitless, but he did manage to find a handful of things he was sure Bella would have liked at that age, and prayed for the best. He somehow got himself covered in purple paint that was a nightmare to get off. Bella had sent him some forged documents claiming Nessie was his younger sister he’d won custody of, and he got her enrolled in a nearby school. He lived every day leading up to her arrival staving off a panic attack.

it wasn’t until he was on the way to the airport that he realized he forgot to inform his family about this life update. they must’ve been on a hunting trip, because he got nothing but voicemails 

imagine being Carlisle and you come home to a voicemail from your son who’s banished himself from the family that’s just like ‘hi. you’re a grandfather now. I’m having a nervous breakdown and might crash my car. call me back at your earliest convenience I suppose” like what would you DO

 after he gets to the airport he starts panicking again, realizing Bella had never actually sent him a picture, worrying about how he’d find her, but then- he sees a tiny girl with untamed, dark red curls, features strikingly similar to his own that are pulled into the expression Bella always made when she was reading, absently chewing on her lip, and before she looks at him with her mother’s big brown eyes, he already knows who he’s looking at, and he’s certain if he was human his tear ducts would be having a fit right now

Renesmee, however, seems less willing to have an emotional meeting. She mumbles out a simple greeting before gathering up her bags and heading for the door, Edward rushing behind her to try and help

listen. the awkwardness of Charlie trying to connect with Bella. but 10000x worse because of Edward’s overthinking, self-deprecating ass and Nessie being like ‘ah yes the guy who broke my pregnant teenage mothers heart, fantastic’ lmao

the car ride is p a i n f u l. Edward’s trying so hard for light conversation and Nessie’s barely giving one word answers. Bella had warned her about the mind reading so she was carefully keeping her mind blocked, which Edward is trying very hard to be understanding about instead of annoyed, but By God does he want to know everything about her

when they get back to his place, she quietly thanks him for the room and then promptly locks him out of it lol. He spends the rest of the day just pacing back and forth until he realizes he should eventually feed her lmao

and that’s...kinda how the first couple weeks go. she only emerges from her room if he bribes her with food, she awkwardly tries to dodge his questions, he drives her to school and then begs her to tell him how it went when he picks her up, he spends his college classes distracted because he’s freaking out constantly about how to successfully bond with her. His favorite time of day now is night, because she can’t block her mind while she’s asleep, and even if her dreams are all nonsense they’re still...part of her that he gets to know.

His family keeps begging him to let them meet her, but he’s pushing back because if she’s this bad at adjusting to one new family member, how is she going to handle six more?

(meanwhile Alice and Rose started a group chat with her and are having a ball clowning Edward lmao)

wait ksjflksd I think this vine perfectly sums up the dynamic im envisioning  https://youtu.be/wQZIUHNORHg

anyway they....very slowly make some progress. much too slowly for Edward’s taste, but hey.

Like he finds out snacks she likes. or jewelry she likes. stuff like that and just...wordlessly leaves it around for her lmao. he thinks it’s like trying not to startle a deer, Nessie thinks it’s more like a cat trying to gift you a dead mouse, but either way it’s weirdly endearing.

He notices she always has a huffy little frown when he picks her up on Wednesdays. So instead of begging her for an ounce of information of her school life, he asks her one Wednesday morning if she’s excited for the day and she admits she has an elective class every Wednesday with a girl she doesn’t get along with.

He gets her school photos (and Weeps) and realizes apart from her room the home is fairly barren of decorations, so he buys a bunch of picture frames and hangs up the school shots, and some pictures of the Cullen’s over the years, and the few he has of Bella that he could never bear to part with. Other than catching her smiling at the prom picture of her parents, Nessie doesn’t say anything- but the next time he comes home from hunting, there’s a pile of pictures of her growing up on the table, and he starts weeping all over again as he hangs them up

(there’s one of her and Bella hugging and looking at the camera with identical grins and joy in their eyes, he can’t help but put that in his room. He hopes one day he’ll get to see a scene like that in person)

He starts trying to get her out of her room a little more- he still hasn’t managed to a get a ‘favorites’ list out of her, so he starts playing movies Bella loved, to see if any of them lure her out. some do, some don’t- he got halfway through a Lord of the Rings marathon, which was Torture in his opinion, but then Ness came out and quietly asked if he could restart it and suddenly they became his favorite movies ever.

Bella’s not able to contact her on a set schedule or anything because of her situation (and you can bet your ass Edward’s contacted every vampire he knows and ordered them to help her out if they come across her or the Volturi), and Edward realizes that’s probably taking a toll on the girl, so he starts telling her stories of her mother when he knew her in Forks. She’s particularly amused by the blood typing incident- the first time Edward hears Nessie properly laugh, he literally starts crying on the spot

could you imagine the sheer panic if she ever gets so much as a cold

And yes, she’s still pissed on Bella’s behalf, and yes, she specifically blasts 70s music because Bella told her he hates it one time, and yes, if he looks at her like he’s a kicked puppy one more time she might claw his eyes out, and yes, she refuses to introduce him to her friends from school because she Knows everyone will then start asking her about her ‘hot brother’ and she can’t live with that and also can’t live with him knowing that so she told him if he ever introduces himself to any of her friends she’ll set him on fire, and yes, she’s homesick 95% of the time but...he’s growing on her. like a mold, or something.

(okay, maybe when Seth tried to analyze why Mamma Mia is her favorite musical, he might have had a point. half a point. quarter of a point. shut up.)

And Edward’s still trying to not have a panic attack every time she’s out of his sight- he’s got Carlisle keeping tabs on the Volturi for him, and it’s not exactly hard for him to keep track of her through other people’s minds- but she’s so tiny and her heartbeat is Too Fast and what if she inherited her mother’s unlucky streak??

but they’re toeing the line of co-existing peacefully and Edward’s scared to push it past that

then he has to, because it turns out he sent her to one of Those Schools where the parents have to be involved in the school in some way or another and Nessie’s Annoyed

sdkjfsdkjf she keeps trying to get him to just sign up for like pta meetings or something and he’s like ‘I need you to understand you are the only person in this town I actually know or like I Cannot survive around fundraiser moms I can’t’ 

so she’s like ugh fine I’m in the drama club

listen.....Stage Parent Edward Cullen.......the power this holds...

that’s right this whole post was an elaborate ruse for me to make a musical theater headcanon again lmao

no okay but seriously he starts off just helping build sets and stuff like that but then midway through the year their music teacher gets fired and the schools like begging him to take over because they can’t find someone in enough time that’ll know the music for the show they’re doing and he’s like “I need you to understand Nessie will never talk to me again if I start actually working at her school” and they’re like “She also will never talk to you again if we have to cancel the big musical, though” and he’s like. fuck.

silent treatment for a week and a half

lmao so now he’s trying to juggle being an overly-enthusiastic stage parent who’s making costumes and sets and kinda crying backstage when he sees his daughter in her costume with also being the music director for the damn show and trying to teach a bunch of kids how to read sheet music 

one day he ended up in a coffee shop with the hair and makeup moms, gossiping about the cast’s love lives, and he literally doesn’t know how he got there

is it wrong to pass Nessie in class even though she’s putting all the wrong answers on the test but he Knows she knows the right answers and is only answering wrong to try and get a rise out of him

Bella sneaks into town to see the show- they thought it would push their luck if the pack came, but they sent an ungodly amount of flowers and candy. When she snuck into the house while Ness was sleeping she Was Not expecting to find Edward up to his elbows in sequins, trying to fix a bedazzler he accidentally broke in frustration, muttering under his breath about how if Nessie’s romantic opposite in the show doesn’t keep his thoughts clean he’s gonna kill him- and it just cracks her up. She WAS nervous about seeing Edward again but now she’s assured he’s still a dork lol

So Edward freaks when he sees her but they don’t wanna wake Ness up so they’re trying to be quiet but like. they’re going through it 

Like Bella Wants to be pissed at him but she can’t, she still loves him- and while she can’t just get over what he did to her, it’s also not lost on her that ‘leaving to protect someone I love’ is literally what she had to do to her daughter

And Edward....Edward, who only left to give Bella a chance at a safe, human life, seeing Bella in front of him as a vampire, knowing it’s his fault she ended up that way and she had to go through it alone, had to raise a baby herself because he’d made it so hard to find him...knowing if he’d just pulled his head out of his ass he would have been able to be there for her...would be able to form a coherent sentence around his love right now, would have long and fond memories of Nessie’s childhood, likely wouldn’t have to watch Bella hide from the Volturi...he’s back in a self-loathing spiral already

But they haven’t seen each other in so long and they just don’t want to...deal with the unpleasantness right now, so they just push it aside. Bella helps Edward with the costumes. Edward fills her in on what she’s been missing with Nessie. Bella tells him some stuff about when Ness was younger. They just spend the night talking, and it feels like no time has past between them at all- which just makes the heartaches a little stronger

When Nessie wakes up to her mother there she’s ecstatic- bubbly and loud and glued to Bella’s hip all day, giving her in depth play-by-plays of her school and rehearsals and friends she’s made, bouncing on her toes all morning, hyper, giggly, and- it kind of breaks Edward’s heart a little, even though he knows he hasn’t really...earned this side of his daughter, yet. 

(at least he got his wish of seeing their twin smiles in person)

(he wishes he could see them every second of every day)

so the girls spend the day catching up while Edward mostly feels like a thirdwheel, and then they have to get Ness over to the school so she can get ready

Bella decides to hang out around the school theater before the show actually starts- she leans against the wall next to the piano, the two talking in hushed tones while Edward runs through songs. Bella really missed watching him play- the only thing that managed to drag her away from it was when Nessie called her to the dressing room to help with a hair emergency 

she didn’t talk to him much at intermission, her attention being stolen by the rest of the Cullen family (who had been Very Loudly supporting the show so far, she knew Ness was probably dying of embarrassment backstage)

after the show, the three went back to Edward’s and just...talked. Nessie was gushing about the show and eating while her parents assured her she was the greatest actress ever born, simple stuff like that. she fell asleep sandwiched in between them on the couch 

Bella realizes she’s never going to be able to bring herself to leave again if Nessie wakes up, and tells Edward as much. He clearly doesn’t want her to go just yet either, but...she’s on the run, it’s not like she has much choice 

He has so much he wants to say to her but he just- can’t. it’s not the right time. but he’s hoping she can see that in his eyes

Bella shifts Nessie off her shoulder so Edward can hold her, and she gives him a light kiss and says ‘thank you, Edward’ before disappearing in a flash. she needed to go before she lost her nerve.

Edward can’t bring himself to let Nessie out of his arms, so instead of carrying her to bed he just stays there, holding her, trying his best not to think that that could be the last time for a long time he’d ever see his Bella again, trying not to let thoughts of a life he gave up unwittingly consume him

okay I didn’t mean for this to be So Long so I’m cutting it here uhh...let me know if anyone wants a part 2? sorry lmao

[chalkrevelations]

Huh.

Well, this is not the next episode reaction you were expecting, but a while back, in the middle of the night, while I was ready to cry from working on a pharmacology paper, out of nowhere, Youtube threw up Street Dance of China S3 Ep1 at me. And yeah. I am, admittedly, f’kn weak for a dance show. (There are enough SYTYCD episode reax on my old Livejournal that I feel there’s no point denying this.)

So – no, actually, wait. FIRST of all, I do NOT believe the “towel vote” we ended up being given for the opening routines from the four captains. That was the most blatant bit of bullshit chicanery I’ve seen in my LIFE, and I say this as a person with a ton of SYTYCD episode reax on my old Livejournal, and I also say this not because Wang Yibo ended up last (well, not entirely), but because I saw Wallace Chung’s routine. As someone closer in age to him than to the other three captains, I have to give him props for trying, but come on, man. The critique that Yibo got from random contestants – if the subtitles are to be believed, so I realize this needs a grain of salt - basically boiled down to “it was too good for the stage lighting.” :hands: Also, I saw your face at the reveal, Wallace, and you were as shocked as I was. No way you got more towels/votes than Wang Yibo. Not unless there’s some super wild undercurrent of nostalgia propping you up, which, I guess could happen, because literally all I know about pop culture in China, current or otherwise, is filtered through Tumblr and Youtube, both notoriously suspect, but … anyway. There’s got to be a TON of behind-the-scenes manipulation going on for Yibo to be rock-bottom with last pick of teams but then also to end up with THAT pool of possibles. Are you kidding me with this?

ANYWAY, what I wanted to say is that I actually really like Wang Yibo here, and it’s not just because he’s the only captain I have even a sliver of familiarity with, and it’s not just because Lan Wangji was banging Wei Wuxian. I do realize all of this is influenced by whatever edit they’ve decided to give a particular captain or contestant, but I’m impressed with the way Yibo immediately starts team building by getting his group into a warmup, getting them dancing together, getting them dancing with him before they have to worry about dancing for him. (I mean, come on, Jackson Wang. The way to get people to stop being nervous is not to say “Stop being nervous! It will make you fuck up!”) The way Yibo immediately recognized and responded to his group’s concerns about that one dude copying someone else’s routine probably also bought him a lot of return investment. He’s dressed to work it, in his sweats and his flannel (what IS that fake-leather TAC vest and random leg holster-looking thing, Jackson Wang?). He’s convincing me he really loves to dance, he can’t hold still while he watches the contestants, he’s wandering over into other captains’ turf when it sounds like there’s a dancer performing who he might like to see, he’s being the best Yibo he can be, and I’m grooving along, wind in my hair, totally down for this ride. He’s also adorable at the beginning when all the other captains are like, my goal for this season is to slaughter the competition and dance on their graves! And he’s like, well, I’d like to … make some friends? And learn some new stuff? I don’t know if the perpetual Humble Student schtick is natural or persona, or whether it’s general or specific to dancing, but it’s working for you, my dude. This is also made better (read: ironic), by the fact that it’s immediately before the towel reveal, when he flips over to utter disbelief and gets all sulky for a while over the “fact” that his dance routine got the least votes.

Also, OH WAIT. This is where that clip of Yibo dancing with his crew ALL OVER HIM came from that I saw floating around a few months ago, isn’t it? You’re telling me those guys had never danced together before and had like, three minutes to throw together that routine? I’m even more impressed than before. Meanwhile, the towels symbolize courage and challenge, Mr. Emcee? OK, fine, cheesy reality show blah blah whatever. Can we get to the dancing now?

I’m going to put the rest of this behind a cut, because it got super long, because it turns out, when you watch in 5-minute increments, it takes two and a half weeks to get through a single episode, but you actually can see and have opinions on all 5,328 contestants, plus every single one of the captains’ battles. Meanwhile, I’m trying to convince myself this is not going to be another series of episode reactions, but 1) I do have the benefit of not having a ton of hometown media giving me a next-day play-by-play, so even though this is six months old, everything’s a surprise; 2) I am, admittedly, f’kn weak for a dance show; and 3) it’s easy to watch in 5-minute increments between researching drug interactions in hypothetical hypertensive patients with stable ischemic heart disease, erectile dysfunction, and seasonal allergies. So, I guess we’ll see. It’ll be slow going, though, because I don’t ever have two and half hours to sit down and watch an ep cover-to-cover – if it happens, it will likely keep happening in 5-minute increments. Meanwhile, there is a metric shit-ton of nattering below the cut, so caveat lector. No, seriously, I kept adding to this little by little until it became a monster. Hashtag long post (remorseful).

OK, I am generally out of my depth here, as this is not at all my area of dance not-really-expertise, but some reactions:

Team Wang Yibo: I can see why he didn’t want to choose between Colin and Dian Men – Colin might have been a touch better technically and a better showman, but Dian Men didn’t seem to have a single wasted move – but, also, my dude. Yibo. You maybe should look a little bit less stunned and overwhelmed by the mere presence of Colin, it’s giving me ideas about your taste in men. Continuing with the powerhouses, I probably shouldn’t even attempt to critique Klash, but I did feel like he was a bit stiff in some of his footwork; that final V kick, though, shit, that’s what having that kind of upper-body strength is for. Bouboo … I mean, excellent flexibility and control, of course, but mainly I’m just terribly amused that Yibo got last pick of teams but somehow ended up with the guy who’s literal world champion, and who’s just as useful for getting into the other captains’ heads – without even trying – as he is for his talent. And then there’s a montage of Yibo giving out towel after towel after towel, and my dude, you cannot keep up this pace. There are still too many dancers to see, and you don’t have that many towels. AAANNNND Towel Battle #1 (See Footnote 1).

Team Jackson Wang: I do like Gai Gai, although that may be influenced by the fact she’s working in the twilight area between hip-hop and contemporary that I have more familiarity with - but also, I suspect she’s pretty good in her genre. I thought Xiao Jie was inconsistent and didn’t stick the landing on his initial attempt, so I have to give you that hesitation, Jackson, even though you’ve somehow ended up the villain in my inner narrative for this show, for no particular reason I can yet discern. Maybe it’s that you’re the direct competition for Yibo’s team in the towel battles. Good enough. Anyway, Xiao Jie definitely stepped up his game for the battle with Bingo, so I can kind of see why both of them got a towel, but we’re not even halfway through this, and most of y’all are giving away towels like you have an endless supply. Yang Kai is a fucking menace with fantastic musicality, and I’m just gonna say it and take the fallout - I think he gave a better performance first time out of the gate than any of Yibo’s powerhouses did. Whatever power Klash has got, whatever skill Bouboo has got, Yang Kai feels more explosive and engaging, at least in these initial showings. He’s going to be one to beat, I’d hug him too, if he was on my team and was going to help me WIN. Yibo’s probably lucky that happened during his little stroll over to check out the competition, so that he can see they’re definitely competitive and be prepared for it. Also, Jackson, I have to admit - that face you made when Chao really kicked in? That was the same face I made, because wt actual f, you have a literal secret weapon – secret because he CAME FROM NOWHERE and NO ONE EVEN KNOWS him, how is that even possible, how did he get that good – fluid, creative, controlled, incredible musicality - without anyone having any idea who he even is? And then there’s a montage of Jackson just giving out towel after towel after towel, and my dude, you need to slow down. You can’t just be like, “THEY LOVE DANCE WITH ALL OF THEIR WHOLE HEARTS!!!!1111!!!!11!” I get it, but everyone there loves dance with all of their whole hearts, and there are not enough towels to send all of them on to the next round. ANNNND, Towel Battle #1 (See Footnote 1).

Team Lay Zhang: lol at how diplomatic you’re being, Lay Zhang – your team’s fierce roar startled you, OK. At this point, I suspect you’re the street most likely to have a knife fight break out before this is all over. I do like Alex, I think he’s got a lot of interesting, super-clean details in his moves, and he’s engaging - I cannot BELIEVE you made him battle that dude whose moves were so mushy, Lay Zhang, it leaves me doubting your ability to judge this thing. At first I thought maybe you were just looking for an excuse because you wanted to see Alex freestyle, but then you actually said something about both dancers being equal, and my estimation of you plummeted, and also sadly, my sound dropped out for the actual battle, including the part where the clearly inferior dancer fell over and then accidentally POPPED ALEX ONE IN THE EYE, and I TOLD YOU SO. I do agree it’s a good idea to make dancers in the same genre do some battling, so you can kind of plan out your towels and put together a team with broad strengths, instead of giving out towels like you’re making it rain for the first 20 contestants, and then you have 1,375 more people to get through, with 3 towels left, as EVERYONE ELSE seems to be doing, so it’s nice that at least one of you guys is thinking – if not actually acting - strategically. That was clearly not even a contest, though, GIVE ALEX HIS TOWEL and send him to the next round. Xiao Bao is hilarious, with his concern that his team captain, who’s into krump, which is “beating,” isn’t going to appreciate his waacking, which is “slapping.” I also don’t know a whole lot about waacking, so thanks for the primer, Xiao Bao, and don’t worry, your performance is just as engaging for those of us who don’t know what we’re watching as you are generally. You deserve that towel for your ability to interact with and engage your audience, alone. Lingo is a good solid performance, although he’s got his team captain strategizing edited over some of it, and here’s the thing: we are 1:56:00 into this, at this point, with another half hour to go, and all of you are starting to disappear into the sea of dancers who are very good at what you do, but at generally the same level? Anyway, Lingo, I approve of your ability to interact with your audience (read: your captain) to ensure engagement, too, so keep that up. Annnd, we actually haven’t seen that much of you guys, but it’s time for Towel Battle #2 (See Footnote 2).

Team Wallace Chung: I’m glad Su Lian Ya insisted on performing, I thought she started off slow but warmed up, and that ending was creepily fantastic and had me spontaneously grinning at the screen in delight. Then we lose sight of this group for a really long time, actually. We go back to find Wallace putting through a couple of urban dancers who we barely see, but who apparently claim to have some choreography experience, and he really likes that. TI shows up, and they’re solid, but honestly, not as good in this performance as they were in some of the stock footage the show threw up to introduce them, but Wallace remains super-excited about the idea of choreography and sends at least choreographer Zhang Jiang Peng through to the next round. And then, we really haven’t seen that much of you guys, either, which maybe doesn’t bode well, but it’s time for Towel Battle #2 (See Footnote 2).

FOOTNOTE 1, aka TOWEL BATTLE ONE, Team Yibo vs. Team Jackson, 3V3 freestyle: First of all, I have to say, I love Yibo - Mr. I Just Wanna Make Some Friends And Have Some Fun - being all, “I have three crappy white towels I’m stuck with for coming in last place that I can’t use to send dancers to the next round and that I DO NOT DESERVE, and I am getting BACK the colorful towels that ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE. I am coming for whoever is in my way.” Team Yibo is Bouboo, Klash, Dian Men, and OK, given what we’ve seen so far, that’s the safe choice, but honestly, I think we’re just taking some things for granted right now, and I’m not sure they actually have given the best performances so far. Yeah, I said it. Team Jackson is Yang Kai, Chao, and Xiao Jie, and … ok, on that last one, I think you probably could have substituted Bingo, but all right. Yang Kai is a definite yes. Chao will be great if he can stay out of his own head and not psych himself out, but given what we’ve seen so far, he’s an obvious pick. First round, Yang Kai vs. Klash, and Yang Kai is still a fucking menace, with super lines. Klash definitely stepped up his game for the battle, and I can’t get over the upper body strength he’s got, to get that kind of airy bounce in his moves, but to be honest, I can’t even be mad the first round went to Yang Kai and Team Jackson. Second round, Yang Kai is still … y’all, the beautiful lines from this guy in his poses, I can’t get over them, but I think he doesn’t have the stamina, his footwork is getting sloppy. Bouboo also steps up his game for an actual battle, his fluidity and control is amazing, and yeah, round to Team Yibo. Round three, Xiao Jie gives it a decent effort, but the polish isn’t there; meanwhile Bouboo is still in champion mode, and I was kind of surprised this was a split vote and went to another round. Xiao Jie absolutely surprised me, coming back stronger on his second try, although I suppose a more familiar genre helped, but Bouboo continues in champion mode. Round four, Chao looks like he’s going to throw up right before he steps out there, and then as soon as the music starts, it’s like, he doesn’t even think. The music just moves him. I feel like his dance vocabulary is more limited than Bouboo’s, though, and Bouboo’s flow is amazing at this point, so I feel like the judges just want to drag this out and see more dancing when we go to one more round. Strong effort all around, but yeah, round four and two towels to Team Yibo. I can’t really complain about that. I do feel like Yibo’s powerhouses have been holding back until now, though, and I’m not sure how I feel about THAT.

FOOTNOTE 2, aka TOWEL BATTLE TWO, Team Zhang vs. Team Wallace, 3V3 w/ captain: lol, Team Zhang really wants someone to pick the Sailor Moon song because they know Xiao Bao and his waacking will tear it up. Anyway, Team Zhang includes Lingo and Xiao Bao, who does not get his Sailor Moon song and continues to be hilarious in his disbelief about being chosen to participate in this battle, when he’s not looking almost as sick as Chao from Team Jackson before HIS performance. Team Wallace includes Su Lian Ya – and honestly, despite how I’m getting ready to bag on him for the entire rest of this battle recap, I like that Wallace put one of his female dancers up there for the battle - and some dude named Ba that they haven’t given us any footage of, up ‘til now, at least that I can remember and who I … don’t even know has been formally given a towel and sent on to the next round, yet? Oh wait, he must have, because there’s talk in the pause for choreography about somehow using the towels during the battle. Wallace relies on Su Lian Ya and Zhang Jiang Peng to choose Ba, and then Ba ends up choreographing a lot of the performance, at least from the edit we see. I continue to feel you may be in over your head, Wallace. This feeling … is not assuaged by your performance in the first round, which is fine, but not really up to the level of almost anyone whose name I’ve bolded so far in this entire recap. Also, using the towels was a cute idea, but it doesn’t translate well, and Team Wallace has a lot of wasted time throwing the towels around instead of actually. You know. Dancing. Lingo gets a credible solo during Team Zhang’s performance, and even though Xiao Bao is clearly lost during a good bit of his backup dancer duties, he manages not to throw up, which – given this team’s general skill level – should be enough to give them the first round, EXCEPT SOMEHOW Team Wallace gets the point from the judges, who then try to justify this inexplicable decision by saying Team Wallace had better interaction, I guess because of the hot mess with throwing the towels around, but adding that Team Zhang was more scattered, which what? More scattered than the hot mess with the towels? I’m not buying this. I can’t tell if they’re propping up Wallace or fucking with Lay Zhang’s head, but I’m having bad acid flashbacks to the many and varied ways dance show judges will try to gaslight you, telling you that things you just saw with your very own eyes did not actually happen when it’s right there! On camera! Visible, despite whatever edit bs you’re pulling! ANYWAY, they’re definitely managing to fuck with not only Lay Zhang’s head, but Xiao Bao’s, and Xiao Bao still doesn’t seem to have his choreography down, but they manage to pull it together enough to take the second round, which to be honest is kind of a muddled mess on everyone’s part. The only one who really stands out to me on this go’round is Su Lian Ya, but OK, Team Zhang might have had it slightly more together as a unit. And then, yeah, OK, I think they were fucking with Lay Zhang’s head, because we then find out that, holy shit, the song the show powers-that-be chose for the tie-breaking third round is that gd Sailor Moon song, and we can all see the writing on the wall. Poor Team Wallace is no match for Xiao Bao, who frankly, carries this entire round on his shoulders without breaking a sweat and barely needs any backup dancers to do it. There’s some ridiculously dramatic reveal of scoring, with the judges dragging out their decisions like this was any actual contest - I’m beginning to suspect that some of them grew up with Wallace Chung posters on their bedroom walls - but finally, round and towel to Team Zhang.

Cut to a little bit of Next Time On, and wow, the first two-and-a-half-hour episode is over, and we aren’t finished with the initial round yet. It’s gonna be Christmas before I make it halfway through this season.

[vislorrturlough]

Scaramouche!

"Of course, this assumption of responsibility does not mean that we are not conditioned genetically, culturally, and socially. It means that we know ourselves to be conditioned but not determined. It means recognizing that History is time filled with possibility and not inexorably determined-that the future is problematic and not already decided, fatalistically."

- Paulo Friere

For as long as Loki can remember, tapestries have lined the walls of Asgard's palace.

When Loki was a child, the Allmother sat by his bed one night and explained the significance of the tapestries that lined the walls of their home.

“The Norns weave the tapestry that assigns our roles,” she told him. “So that we may fulfill our fate and serve Midgard as we are meant to.”

The tapestries stretched across all the walls of the palace, covering vast miles of golden wall with breathtaking imagery depicting life and death and love and hate and everything in between. They pictured Loki too, who moved from boy to tragedy to a vicious and cruel man.

“So I have a role too? And Thor?” he asked. She smiled at him with fondness. The Thor on the tapestries seemed brave and strong - Loki could never imagine his brother, still a boy himself, to become that hulk of a man someday.

“Of course, Loki,” she said. “We all have roles. I am a mother, and a magician. Thor will be a great hero. Your father, a beloved and wise king. This is what is sewn into our destiny, to be enacted until Ragnarok and again after that. In a cycle, unending and unwavering.”

He yawned, obscuring the nervousness bubbling in his chest and curling the silken covers around his shoulders. He knew what the tapestries said Loki would do. He had hoped that maybe - “What’s my fate, mother?” he asked quietly.

Her smile, previously relaxed, became firm and serious. His heart was racing, thinking of that man, and of the awful cruelty that was depicted to come at his hands. “We all have a part to play, my dear. And every story has a villain for a reason.”

--

Despite common misconception, Loki Laufeyson never lived in the moment. In fact, Loki found the moment particularly difficult to pin down. Once you begin to think “Hey, I think this is the moment!” it wasn’t the moment anymore, and Loki already had four tabs open on his phone about the relativity of time and he didn’t need anymore.

Loki lived in the future, which was why he was that very moment getting his fair share of serotonin from the Schrödinger’s Night Out with Sigurd and Lorelei he was planning. 

“Sigurd definitely won’t come out if Lorelei isn’t,” he explained to Verity as he paced hurriedly around their absurdly fancy flat, which he paid for entirely and in return, Verity didn’t ask where he got all the money. “Which means I need Lorelei to agree first. One problem with that!”

“Lorelei hates you?” Verity asked, as she planted an orange tree in Stardew Valley.

“Lorelei hates me!” Loki agreed. “Which means I need to sweeten the pot.”

Verity glanced up at him suspiciously. “How are you going to do that?”

He grinned, and picked up a pen so he could start dramatically gesticulating. “Bisexual women! They’re always fascinated with me. And by the end of the evening, I’ll have established a system where I transport their attention from me to Lorelei and get her many dates. Like a Ford factory.”

She glared, turned back to her game. “You’re a walking hate crime.”

“Was that a lie, Verity?” he teased, collapsing on the couch and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She tried just barely to shrug him off. “Was it a lie when I said bi women are fascinated with me? Was it?”

Verity narrowed her eyes at him, but didn’t say anything, and in response he burst into cackles of laughter.

—

Lorelei claimed to be very insulted that Loki thought bisexual women liked him more than her, but he knew well that she knew well that she looked like the straightest girl alive and really, that was her own fault. Once Lorelei was a confirmed booking, Sigurd swiftly followed, because he’s nothing if not a simp, and thus Loki had now established the perfect evening. A pricey club, two people who could barely stand him, and himself. 

Although he never really enjoyed it. He’d never planned to.

Anticipation was a drug, really. And as previously established, the moment was very boring indeed. And this moment, Loki found himself crammed against Sigurd, who while very attractive and an owner of some very firm abs, was covered in sweat, and only slept with Loki when he was desperate anyway. Loki squinted up at him, and tried to figure out if he was desperate tonight.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” Sigurd shouted over the music. 

Loki smiled at him genially, and proceeded to turn quickly around and elbow his way to the smoking area.

The initial smack of fresh onto his face was divine. He closed his eyes and smiled in satisfaction, continuing to move forward. The music was more muted out here, and the sound of voices and laughter blurred into itself until nothing was anything anymore. Peace! The lights were all different shades of pink and green, and they cast an ethereal glow over the throngs of young people with cigarettes in their hands, all here, all living now.

Loki bumped into someone.

“Shit!” he yelped, watching in horror as  her cocktail spilt down her crop top. “I’m so sorry! Oh my God!”

She’d flinched a bit during the incident itself, but the alcohol had seemingly tempered any stronger reaction than that. Lightly brushing at her (now soaked) top, she only laughed lightly and smiled at him. “No worries, dude!”

He pulled out his best prince charming grin (practiced in the mirror and finely tuned). “Please, let me at least buy you another drink.”

“I’m not going to say no to a drink!” she laughed shyly, and they traipsed inside to the bar. Sigurd seemed to have vanished, but out of the corner of his eye he could see Lorelei getting very close to the DJ, so maybe if Loki had any luck he was crying in the gents or something. Usual affair, really.

He bought them both mojitos, and they fought their way back through the crowd to return to the smoking area. “I like your necklace,” he said, because his mother had always said women liked having their jewelry complimented. Sif had later said that they didn’t, but Sif was as much a woman as Loki was a man, so her opinion didn’t count.

The girl giggled. “Thanks, it’s a crucifix.”

“Oh sorry!” Loki said. “I’m not from around here. That’s the catholic thing right?”

“Do you guys not have catholicism in Britain?”

Ugh, mentioning Asgard would dance a bit too close to the possibility of ‘Oh man, anyone ever told you you look like Thor’s evil brother?’. Loki chuckled instead and rolled his eyes. “I was pretty sheltered. It was like, a weird cult?”

“Oh wow! That’s so interesting.” She had a sympathetic sort of look on her face, and Loki quickly buried the irritation that bubbled up in his chest. The sympathy wasn’t for Loki anyway, just some fake man who grew up in a cult. Did he think Asgard was a cult? God, he was glad he didn’t have a therapist

“Yeah, I don’t really believe in it now, you know?” he lied easily, smiling at her. “It’s hard to have faith when it’s like, you never see any proof.”

She nodded understandingly. “Yeah, lots of people say that nowadays, what with superheroes and Asgard and all. I don’t know, I kind of think the fact I don’t have proof makes it more important.”

“Oh yes?” Loki asked. “What do you mean by that?”

She looked up at the lights, placed her free hand on the crook of the elbow of the hand holding her drink. For a second, Loki saw ancient and revered philosophers! He decided that they’d had it all wrong. Screw the forums, they should’ve done all their philosophising in smoking areas.

“It means something, you know?” she explained slowly. “Like, of course we believe in the ground and the sky and all. Those are right in front of us, we can’t deny that. Same with science, or aliens, or Asgardians. But believing in God requires a certain kind of faith. I’m going beyond seeing and believing. I’m just believing. God has a plan for me, and I believe in that.”

Loki nodded slowly. A fate? One set, but controlled by a benevolent creature and entirely unknown? It wasn’t true or real of course, but there was a beauty to it, that Loki, who’s path was clear and determined, appreciated. The alcohol (he and Lorelei made a habit of spiking drinks they bought on earth with Asgardian liqueur, so they’d, you know, work) was beginning to blur his awareness anyway. “That’s beautiful,” he said kindly.

She giggled, quickly touching her necklace and looking at the ground. “Haha, sorry! I study theology, it’s kind of a thing.”

“No, no!” Loki laughed, giving her a wide grin. “It was very interesting! Where do you study?”

They got into a long conversation about Sarah’s (her name, Loki found out eventually) degree, NYU dorms and a guy she hated in her seminars, before he noticed Lorelei making a beeline towards him, her hand around Sigurd’s wrist. 

“Hey,” she said, before frowning at him and glancing at Sarah. “I’m going home with a girl named Angelica. She’s goth and plays bass. So you need to take Sig home.”

“I’m literally an ancient hero. Of legend,” Sigurd interjected.

Lorelei turned and glared at him instead. “Well, you need to take Loki home.”

“Oh well, come on then Sig!” Loki said loudly, ignoring his scowl. “Thank you for such a lovely conversation, Sarah darling. Have a nice night!”

“Thanks Luke!” she laughed, not being not obvious about checking Sigurd out. Oh God, she probably thought he was dating Loki. Yuck, how mortifying. “See you around!”

“Go get a taxi,” Lorelei told him, before wandering off to a girl with a septum piercing and docs, which Loki considered quite basic, especially for Lorelei.

They didn’t get a taxi. They walked five minutes until Loki ducked around a corner, ignored Sigurd saying “Aren’t we getting a taxi?” and grabbed his arm before dragging him through the spaces in between the universe and dropping him on the bean bag in his living room. A solitary pringles can rolled quietly and hit Loki’s foot.

“Ugh, you’re disgusting,” Loki muttered, kicking it away.

“I hate you,” Sigurd growled, pinching his nose and clearly trying not to throw up. Loki didn’t know why, it wouldn’t be any major downgrade from how the room was currently. “And I hate that. You’re such a fucking prick Loki.” 

Time to make his exit before Sigurd regained enough strength to cause him bodily harm. “Bye honey!” he trilled, and Sigurd’s growl was cut off as he made his way to his own apartment. He didn’t wake up Verity, she had work tomorrow, so he just kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed, surrendering to unconsciousness.

--

Verity and Loki had moved in together for two reasons. 

1) Loki spent most of his time at Verity’s. He had a separate shelf in her fridge for his energy drinks and his salsa, and a special place at the bottom of her spice cupboard for his snacks. He told Verity she had full ownership over all the snacks and could have them when he’d left, but she never did. Instead she got the little clip things she used and pinched the bags closed carefully, putting them to the side for the next time he came over. It was thoughtful, and Loki didn’t know what to do with it, so he never mentioned it. He got bored quite easily anyway, and most of his ‘friends’ had a very limited tolerance of him, so most days he found himself on Verity’s couch, playing Uno and eating Oreos.

2) Verity’s flat was bad and small and Loki’s was perfect and expensive, and if he spent all his time with Verity, they may as well hang out in his sketchily acquired penthouse. Plus, paying her rent made him feel useful. It was like a payment for all the little clips on his packets of Doritos.

He didn’t regret it. Except he thought that perhaps he might be as close as he could get to regretting it as he lay in bed listening to her pounding viciously at his door. 

“Are you alive?” she yelled through the mahogany. He groaned just loudly enough to be heard, and she banged one more time for good measure before her footsteps quickly petered off towards the kitchen.

He sighed in frustration, rolling off his bed with just enough basic athletic ability to land on his feet. His vision blacked out for just a second, and his head very much rejected the idea of being on his feet. Had he shifted through space while drunk? That was so dangerous. He should have gotten like, a driving ticket. A magic driving ticket.

He stumbled into the kitchen and stared blearily at Verity. “What are you cooking?” he mumbled.

“Eggs,” she replied without turning. “Want some?”

“Hmm.” He stares at the clock. One in the afternoon? That wasn’t too bad. Verity must have just gotten in from work though, which made him feel bad. Oh, how he missed the days when he had no shame and also no friends. “No thanks, I don’t want to throw up.”

“I thought alcohol didn’t affect you?”

“Human alcohol doesn’t.” He sat down on one of the tall swivel chairs at their counter and spun around. Ow, oh fuck, that wasn’t a good idea. He grimaced and placed his pounding head in his hands. “Lorelei and I spiked our drinks with something we got from Asgard.”

“Huh.” Verity sat opposite him, eggs piled onto the plate she set down in front of her. She’d cooked the yokes, the heathen. “Did you have a good time?”

Loki stared at her. “I feel like I’m being interrogated by my mother.”

“Oh honey,” she teased, grinning through a mouthful of eggs. “Oh sweetie. Wear protection!”

Loki dramatically re-enacted retching, and she choked on her eggs. A just punishment for her crimes, he thought.

“Ew,” he moaned. “I had to see Sigurd’s flat last night. It was disgusting.”

“I wasn’t being serious?” she stared at him. “I didn’t know you actually slept with-”

“Ew, ew, no,” he interrupted. “I was just detailing how he’s far too disgusting to ever consider as a sexual object. I would probably sleep with Lorelei though.”

“As if she’d sleep with you.”

“I’m forever alone!” he cried “Like the meme!”

“If you think referencing memes from 2008 is going to help you get laid-” she got up, pulled the dishwasher open and put her plate in without washing it off. Awful dishwasher etiquette, and Loki was from a place where they washed dishes with magic, so she had no excuse. “-then I think you might be beyond help.”

“I’m waiting for the right person,” he mumbled, squinting in the light streaming in from their egregiously large windows. “Like America. I ship America and myself.”

“America’s a lesbian,” Verity said.

“I’m a woman sometimes!” He got up and opened the fridge. “It’d be perfectly possible if she could tolerate me.”

“Which she can’t.”

“Yeah,” Loki said in faux-disappointment. “Ergo, forever alone, I’m mister lonely, involuntarily celibate, and sent to the friendzone.”

He shut the fridge, no bacon in sight, and stared at the front of it trying to consider his next move. He could head down to the store, but also he couldn’t, because he couldn’t imagine bringing himself to put on something other than the shorts he was currently in that said ‘BAD WITCH’ in bright green, metallic lettering on the back (a gift from Kate) and also he was pretty certain a drink had been poured on him the night before, judging by the smell of lager and the way his fringe had congealed into a hard point overnight. He wasn’t in any fit state to walk down the street. He had standards to maintain.

Yes, he was an illusionist, but he was a hungover illusionist with a headache, thus he opened up DoorDash and ordered McDonald’s. 

“Vee?” he called down the hall. “Do you want anything from McDonald’s?” 

“Ew,” she called back. “No.”

He placed his order and looked back up at the fridge. They had a shared calendar printed out on that kind of slippy photo paper so they could use whiteboard markers on it and make sure to not double book having people over. Last time it had happened, Verity’s cousin had to top-and-tail with Thor on the couch, which was a weird experience for everyone, but mostly for Daniel. Currently, the calendar was pretty sparse, since it was early April, but Verity had written something in for Sunday. ‘Easter - Mom’s House’.

He stared at it, confused. He didn’t turn when he heard Verity’s feet pattering back into the kitchen. “Hey, I didn’t know you were religious.”

“Huh?” Verity had flopped onto the couch and was fiddling with the remote control, probably trying to turn on Dr Phil. “Not really, what do you mean?”

“You’re going to your Mum’s for Easter?”

“Oh I guess.” The Judge Judy theme song streamed from the TV. Loki stood corrected. “I don’t believe in it or anything. It’s just tradition.”

“Huh.” He glanced out onto the street. It was lively. They were in pretty central Manhattan, and usually when you looked onto the road it was hard to see a part of the path that wasn’t covered in black throngs of city goers. He sometimes wondered where they were going, had they plans, or were they just wandering, aimless and free? Loki had always thought it would be night to wander off and see where his feet would take him if he didn’t walk with direction or intention. “Had an interesting conversation last night.”

“Yeah?” Verity responded mindlessly, staring at the TV. 

“About religion. With a girl in the smoking area.”

“Dude.” Verity leaned over, effortlessly butch. “Conversations about religion in a smoking area? I’m putting my foot down. Either you download Grindr or find a therapist.”

“Both of those options are severely limited by the fact that I am a divine being and a world renowned criminal,” he replied. “Do you think guys on Grindr are into my evil vibes, actually?”

“Guys on Grindr are definitely into your evil vibes.”

“Thanks Verity,” he said, turning and heading towards the door. “You always have my back. Maybe I’ll find a bae after all.”

He grinned at her sounds of indignation and headed to his room to sleep his headache away.

--

Loki had always been rather a superior child. He had no need for childish matters of ‘bravery’ and ‘heroics’, instead favouring his intellect and insight. His mother said he was a bright young man, thank you. So he cared little about Thor informing him he was too small and weak to spar with him and his friends. However, he had in return let Thor know that he would be instead spending some time with his very close friends, who Thor did not have an acquaintance with and who thought Loki was very cool and interesting indeed. Thus, appearances had to be upheld.

He peered around the corner of the great, awning entrance to the Bifröst control room. Lord Heimdall had his back turned, but Loki was not a fool. A child, but not a fool.

“Your Highness,” the Watcher called out, turning to face him. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He inched forward, the tips of his fingers trailing the chilly gold-plated walls of the gate. “I was bored,” he lied.

“Very well.” Heimdall set down the Key and sat heavily down onto its platform. “Would you be able to keep me company during my break?”

Loki lifted his chin, glanced around himself and headed to sit beside him. “I suppose I can grace you with my presence, for some time at least.”

“Have you a full schedule, your Highness?”

Anger and indignation built in his chest. Loki whipped around and scowled at him. “I’m very busy.”

Heimdall’s playful expression sunk with practiced ease into something serious. “My apologies. Of course you are, my prince.”

Loki crossed his arms. He knew that Lord Heimdall knew all his business, all of everyone’s business, but it struck him like a spear to his chest to have been mocked over his… lack of desirability. How dare he? Loki may be a boy, but he was his prince. It was not Heimdall’s place to mock him. 

He struggled to think of something dignified to reply, and the pressure of the silence between them built into a garotte that tightened around his neck. He daren’t look at Heimdall, imagining a mocking grin staring down at him. It was unlikely, and would be utterly out of place on the man’s face, but Loki would rather avoid the possibility altogether.

“How is your brother, your Highness?” Heimdall said to break the silence.

In a fit of rage, Loki slammed his palm against the platform. His eyes watered with the pain of it. “Why does everyone only care about what Thor is doing? How Thor is? I am not a vessel through which people may be updated about my brother’s status!”

In his anger he’d turned to glare at Heimdall, and was horrified to find the man’s face transformed by pity. Loki scowled in disgust, and stared at the wall in the opposite direction.

“I did not mean to imply anything as such, your Highness,” Heimdall explained carefully. “I merely asked out of having nothing else very interesting to say. Perhaps I should have asked how you are?”

Loki hesitated, glanced back up. “I’m well,” he mumbled shortly.

“That’s good to hear,” Heimdall replied, staring ahead, out the gates and down the Bifröst. Loki wondered if he saw that which lay in front of him with more clarity, or if what his tangible eyes caught was nothing different to everything else he saw. “Is there anything in particular you would like to speak about?”

Loki was silent for a moment. A topic had been weighing on his mind, one he hesitated to bring to his mother. A heavy topic indeed. “Heimdall?” he asked. “Why am I destined to be a monster?”

It had been a burden to bear, acknowledging what was written upon the tapestries spun deep in Nornheim. When mother had first told him of his destiny years ago, it had seemed like a childhood game, but everyday the gravity of his situation held him just a little firmer to the ground. All has its place, his mother had told him, and your place is important. It is against you that others will shine.

It coloured everything he did, and how others treated him. Thor still loved him as a brother, but everyday his pride in his own journey grew and Loki could only stand and watch as he looked on his brother with a little more suspicion, held him at a slightly further distance. Loki’s cruelty had been encouraged, not in a direct way, but in the ways in which his parents and carers were cruel towards him. Like a knife being sharpened. 

Heimdall did not move. “Everything has its duty. Our world is not much but an elaborate play, and we act according to our roles so that the other realms may live in our image.”

“But why me?” Loki pressed. “Why can’t I be the hero?”

Neither mentioned what lay between them. A man and a child and a destiny for two corpses, having slain one another, to lie in the middle of their world as it burned.

“I’m sorry, my prince,” Heimdall said quietly. “Perhaps take some relief in the fact that you needn’t worry over who you will be. The Midgardians in particular struggle with virtue.”

“Really?” Loki muttered, head in his hands. “Isn’t it very freeing for them?”

“Not as such,” he replied. “In return for their agency, they are burdened with the duty to be ever kind and charitable to one another, or be damned for their failure to do so. It's simpler for us. Our fate is predetermined, and while you may be the villain, you are doing your duty as such and can rest easy knowing that it is a moral and just thing for you to be.”

Loki was silent for a second, staring morosely ahead. “But I don’t want to be the villain.”

“I’m sorry, Prince Loki,” Heimdall replied, resting a hand on his shoulder. “But the tapestries have already been spun.”

--

The Allmothers, in their omnipowetful ability to be incredibly annoying, always called him when he was in the middle of doing things. In this case, a lovely girl named Amelia who had told him he looked like Timotheé Chalamet.

She screamed, causing Loki to whip around with a curse only to find Gaia staring at him through his mirror, disgust on her face and her right eye covered by Loki’s Blondie postcard that Verity had bought him from some emo shop.

Gritting his teeth, he looked down at Amelia, who seemed to be sinking into some form of shock. “Oh man,” he said. “I’m so fucking sorry. Uh, I kind of have to take this. Another time maybe?”

She looked up at him in speechless horror before turning quickly and climbing out from under him. Before he could even look up at her he heard the slam of the door. He glanced up. Huh, at least she’d taken her shirt with her. Loki was a feminist after all.

With a sigh, he turned to face Gaia. “My Lady!” He greeted with gritted teeth. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

She held his gaze for a few awkward seconds.

“Okay,” he said. “I would say, if anything it’s your fault that you decided to just turn up in my mirror without any prior warning. Really? You can’t expect me to be celibate. I’m Loki.”

She graced him with a performatively regal sigh and a significantly less regal eye roll. “The Allmothers have a task for you to complete, Loki.”

“Don’t you always?” He grumbled, pulling a hoodie on to cover up some of his nudity. Amelia may have only lost a shirt, but Loki was already down to his boxers. He was a feminist, after all.

“There is a great treasure in the belonging of one of our own, one who dwells in the realm of Midgard.”

“In English?” 

The Allmother paused. Her eyebrows furrowed. “Your first language is the tongue of Jötunheim.”

“It’s just a-, it’s just a phrase, okay? Anyway, can you get to the crux of it? I was busy.”

“You aren’t busy anymore.”

He threw his arms out dramatically, making sure his irritation was painted clear on his face. “Thanks for that, by the way!”

“We would like-,” she continued, gathering her composure. “-for you to retrieve the ancient sword, Gram. It’s power is too great for us to allow it to remain out of our grasp. We have waited too long already, and time is of the essence.”

“Gram?” Loki asked. “You mean Sigurd’s sword?”

“The legendary sword Gram does indeed lie in the hands of the hero Sigurd-”

“But Sig loves his sword,” he interrupted. “He’s going to hate me if I take it for you. That’s narc behaviour.”

“This is your duty, Prince Loki, to your people,” Gaia said sternly. “You are, and have always been, a narc.”

“Hey, fuck you-”

She was gone in the next second, and Loki was left staring at his face in the mirror, and the way the skin underneath his eyes was grey and sunken, which made his eyes pop in a sort of consumption-chic. He looked a bit like Maleficent, he thought in an attempt to distract himself from the dread of the task that now lay before him and the inevitable broken friendship (he didn’t have many to break left).

But without all the milf energy. Loki didn’t have any milf energy, which was probably the source of most of his problems

--

Often, Loki found the easiest way to avoid all of his issues was to pretend he was a funny, quirky little guy living a funny, quirky little life. Oh Loki, he’s the token evil teammate, the funny comic relief in stories about other people, relegated to side character (but hot enough that all the fan art and fic was going to centre him). This allowed him to get away with his faults, which were many and numerous, by playing them off as the work of that darned scamp, Loki. This situation however, was one that worried Loki, as Sigurd was nothing if he wasn’t two things; 1) absolutely unenamoured by Loki and everything Loki had going for himself, and 2) in love with that fucking sword.

Loki sat down cross-legged on his bed and contemplated the choices he could make here. He could take the sword, and try to manipulate the situation to make Sigurd look like he was overreacting. Take the sword to the flat and mess around while he showed it to Verity. But, he knew, Verity wouldn’t play along, because her moral compass was ever on the straight and narrow and anyway, she’d know he was lying. 

Lorelei would side with Sigurd over him, because she didn’t trust the Asgardian establishment and they all knew that the tentative little bit of control that let them languish in something resembling a real life on Midgard rested on Sigurd having enough power that Asgardia would rather leave him alone than bother. Losing Gram would put that in jeopardy, and Lorelei wouldn’t trade a shoelace for Loki, nevermind her happy ending. He knew well enough that this theft would be unjust, would put all of the power into the hands of the already powerful. He knew this, and he knew that Sig and Lorelei? Wouldn’t hurt a fly, really. For all the three of them pretended to hate each other, Loki knew they were good people, and they just wanted to live their lives in peace.

He could simply refuse. Not take the sword, let the Allmothers deal with it some other way. He could say it was above his pay grade, which it was.

Except, he couldn’t. Not really. He had duties that Sigurd and Lorelei couldn’t possibly understand. That idea couldn’t push its way forward from the back of his mind, as if constrained by something, writhing back and forth to break free. Or was it? Or was that an excuse, a claim to someone that he was trying, still, to do the right thing, and that it wasn’t his fault when he failed to.

He sighed, and stood up. His wardrobe was a mess, but it was an organised mess, and anyway it was a bright, sunny day outside and he could find his dragon scale armour easily from the way it glinted in the light at the back of his slogan t-shirts. 

--

Sig had moved all the dirty washing from his desk chair. Loki didn’t have high hopes that it was for any reason other than playing PC games though. Sig was really into, like, Call of Duty and Halo. Were they PC? Loki didn’t know. He preferred superior gaming experiences, like Professor Layton.

Lo and behold, Loki found the mysteriously disappeared dirty clothing on Sig’s couch. For a guy whose feats and adventures were written down in legend, he really had some drab taste in furnishings.

Loki moved silently through the flat, letting just a little bit of his seidr seep into his steps to cushion the noise. He didn’t turn on any lights, instead relying on a little bit of patience to let his eyes adjust to the dark. His Jotunn heritage, dare he say it, came in handy at times like this due to the Jotnär having pretty decent night vision. This was in order to do crimes and eat children, his nursemaid had informed him when he was small. Well, Loki was doing crimes, but the jury was out on the eating children bit.

Loki was an expert catburglar, tales of his stealthiness were scribbled on the walls of ancient Midgardian caves, the remnants of long extinct societies, all of which he had outlived. Thus, he cleverly noticed the Guitar Hero™ plastic guitar and stepped over it.

Loki knew one thing about Sigurd. He was paranoid. Thus, Loki had a suspicion about where he would put Gram, and if he was correct he knew this job wouldn’t be easy.

He eased open the bedroom door, and watched as the hero of the stories he had been told as a babe snored while laying on his front. Huh, great ass.

Loki mentally smacked himself. Bad!

His attention was then quickly snatched by the gleaming sword that lay against the left bedpost. Ding ding, we have a winner! Sigurd both expected his sword to be stolen and expected to have to fight off home invaders, and so he kept his greatest asset (other than his ass) right next to him in his most vulnerable times. Loki was his worst nightmare, well usually, but even more so at this moment.

He crept forward, stepping carefully over strewn clothes. Wait, was that Lorelei’s blouse? Ugh, he didn’t want to think about that. He’d much rather they remain entirely celibate in his mind.

Loki crept closer, and reached out to grasp the hilt of the sword silently.

“...What the fuck? Loki?”

He should have run, probably. Teleported, gone invisible, maybe should have even jumped through the window. That might have thrown Sigurd off the scent right? Prince Loki, God of Trickery and Harbinger of Ragnarök wouldn’t have just leapt through a window. Well, the window was seventeen floors up actually, so maybe a regular burglar wouldn’t have either.

Anyway, what happened was he stood stock still, unable to move a muscle or turn to face Sigurd, as if he were labouring under the delusion that Sigurd was a creature that tracked prey by movement. He looked like something out of Looney Tunes, which wasn’t fantastic for his dignity.

“Loki,” Sigurd snapped again.

He turned, and winced at the look of outrage on his friend’s face. Sigurd was sat up on his elbow, his other arm on his comforter. He looked like he was ready to attack someone. Loki was pretty sure he hadn’t expected it to be - well, Loki.

“What the fuck were you doing?” he said. “Were you stealing Gram? Why? For who?”

Ouch, that hurt. He may have been stealing it for someone else, but it was a bit upsetting that Sigurd had immediately disregarded the idea he was working in his own interest.

He opened his mouth. Closed it. “The Allmothers send their regards,” he finally admitted drily.

If anything, Sigurd’s outrage grew. “How- How could you?”

A bit dramatic, Loki thought. Sigurd leapt out of his bed, and Loki didn’t have the chance to step back before his shoulders were in Sigurd’s bruising grip and his back pushed hard against the wall. “You know what this means,” Sigurd said, his disgust evident. “You aren’t stupid, Loki. You know what you’re doing.”

Oh, that was it, wasn’t it? Loki wasn’t evil because he did evil things. He was evil because he knew they were wrong before he did them, and he did them anyway.

“I have to,” he mumbled weakly. Was that a lie? Verity would know. “I have no choice.”

“Yes you do,” Sigurd said, releasing his grip and stepping back, “Yes you do, you’re just too much of a coward to admit it. You’re so desperate to play happy families. I can see it in you, and so can Lorelei. All you want is to be useful to people, even if it’s for the Allmothers, who treat you like shit. You do their fucking dirty work and they kick you around and you love it, because you get to be part of their rotten little story.”

Loki stared at him, suddenly feeling utterly, entirely tired beyond belief. Sigurd could not tell him anything that he did not tell himself.

“You’re a coward. You’re a fucking coward who does everything the Allmothers ask of you. One moment you sneer at them up there, in Asgard, and pretend that you and me and Lorelei are all in the same boat, but the next moment you bare your neck to them. One day they’re going to ask you to hurt someone you really care about, and you know what? You’ll do it. They’ll ask you to hurt Thor, or Verity, and you’ll do it without a second thought because you’re a coward, Loki, and you always will be.”

His breath caught in his throat. “I wouldn’t hurt Verity.”

“Yes, you would. If someone put it on a tapestry you’d do it in a fucking heartbeat.”

“I see, well,” he paused, looked to his right to avoid Sigurd’s gaze. “I’ll let you get back to sleep I suppose.”

Sigurd reached out to grab him, but he was gone before he had a chance.

—

Received FRI 2:08

Verity: hey u coming back tonight or what

Verity: im assuming ur working

Verity: if u are there’s leftover pasta bake in the fridge. Ik you hate leftovers but its on offer. Im off to bed, night!

Received FRI 11:02

Verity: hey called lorelei to check in on you and she says you and sig aren’t talking. She didnt seem thrilled w you either. U ok? 

Verity: call me if you get the chance ok

Received MON 15:47

Verity: yh ok this is cringe but please call. Im worried

Verity: you usually lmk when youre gone this long and sig was being suspicious

Verity: i asked him if hed seen you and he like laughed

Verity: idk maybe hed be more concerned if something had happened but u guys dont exactly have a normal expectation for health and safety in the workplace

Received WED 23:21

Verity: please call i’m worried

Verity: please

Received THU 18:54

Verity: you’re a fucking idiot

Verity: I hate you

Received THU 19:02

Verity: i didn’t mean that

Verity: sorry.

Verity: please do call. please

--

Verity wasn’t the only one texting him, which would have done wonders for his ego if it had been anywhere near still intact, but she was the only one who’s texts he kept re reading, scanning them obsessively and trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing.

The thing that nagged him though, was how would he know what the right thing was?

All his life, the right thing was whatever was in stride with where he was determined to end up. The path had been laid out for him - all he had to do was walk it. But, though the Norns had written out his beginning, his end, his great misdeeds and stories, they hadn’t written about things like whether he should get KFC or not, whether he’d be good at Mario Party or what dog breed was his favourite (alsatian). They had never had the name Verity Lewis brush their lips.

Because this world was untethered. It simply wasn’t important enough for the Norns to have seen. Did that mean that they were free, here? Was that bad or good? To Loki, who despite everything had spent an eternity comfortable in the knowledge that he knew what would happen, and that the future was clear to him as long as he could stand in the halls he’d grown up in and stare at the tapestries on the walls, the idea of absolute undetermined fate was deeply terrifying. It caught in his throat, wrapped around his heart, squeezed the warmth out of his chest. 

But Sigurd was right, and so he had a decision to make.

There were people walking around under him, where he sat perched on the roof of a Soviet era apartment building in Brno. They didn’t know what would happen to them, how many kids they’d have, whether they’d marry or how they’d die. They didn’t know any of that, and that meant they could decide.

Huh.

--

He stumbled when he flashed in, and his hand reached out steady himself against the wall. The lights were off, but after a couple of seconds he heard a slight clutter from Verity’s room. Taking a deep breath he made his way to the kitchen and sat down at the bar. He didn’t bother to switch the light on, instead just collapsed into the chair and placed his head in his hands.

The lights switched on. “Loki?”

He peeked at her from between his fingers. Verity stared at him as if she couldn’t quite decide whether to be angry or happy. She was squinting (she wasn’t wearing glasses - she must have been asleep). He must have looked suitably miserable because instead of launching into a tirade she narrowed her eyes and slowly moved to sit opposite him, as if trying to tame some vicious creature. Apt, perhaps.

Their silence hung very heavily. “I’m sorry,” Loki eventually said, mortified to hear a crack in his voice from disuse.

She watched him carefully. “I forgive you,” she replied. Not ‘it’s okay’, because Verity found lying, even unconsciously, very difficult. “Can you tell me what’s up?”

By ‘can’, Loki knew that Verity was asking as if this was something related to his work for the Allmothers, but he found that even though this wasn’t any secret mission detail he was forbidden from sharing, he still found it hard to describe.

“I mean,” he muttered, breaking away from her stare. “Where would you like me to start?”

“Wherever you want to?”

He swallowed. “I had to steal something from Sigurd. Gram-” She opened her mouth and he jerked his shoulders defensively. “Please let me just explain. The Allmothers asked me too. I knew that if I did it it would put Sig and Lorelei’s relative safety at a significant risk. But,” he paused, bit his lip, horrified by the lump in his throat. “Even though I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and that all of you, all of my friends, would think less of me because of it, I had to do it. I had to do it because if I don’t do things that are wrong, that are bad, I am not filling the role that I am set out to fill, that I have always been set out to fill.

“There are tapestries, in Asgard,” he explained, a wobble entering his tone. “They’ve been there since before me, before my parents, before anyone. They were woven by the Norns, who see all of the past, the present and the future. They were woven so that we, who will be images of all the people of the Nine Realms and who will serve as a reflection of their large and varied communion, could know where we fit and what roles we are to play. And I’m a villain, Verity. I am the bad guy, because someone has got to be. There are people who actively choose to be bad and evil and selfish all over the shop, and someone has to represent them in the grand scheme of things. And, mainly, I have to keep everyone’s hands clean by making mine dirty.”

Her hands reached steadily out, grabbed one of his and held it between them. They were tears threatening to fall now, and they choked up his voice.

“So I do what the Allmothers ask me to, and I antagonise Thor, and I play my part as the bad guy of the story so that one day that story may be told to children as they are tucked into bed, so that they know that immorality causes you nothing but strife. I am supposed to have that strife, and through this my immorality is good and right, because I am an example.”

He paused. “Sigurd said I would hurt you, if they asked me to.”

“Would you?” she asked.

A second passed. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’d rather not risk it, but I thought you at least deserved an explanation for my sudden disappearance.”

She leaned back then, stared out their windows and onto the road beneath them, still busy despite the hour. “Do you want to know what I think?”

“Dare I ask?” he chuckled wetly.

Her voice was firm. “I think that’s bullshit. I know you’re telling the truth, that you might hurt me if your Moms asked you. But I think you don’t know that that’s not true, which is why it’s registering as right to me.”

He squinted at her in confusion.

“You believe it,” she explained. “Which is why it’s registering as true to me. But that doesn’t mean you would, it just means you don’t think you’re a good person, and that’s not news.

“You see yourself as some kind of cut-out character with one trait, a yin to Thor’s yang or some shit, but you only think that’s all real because people have told you it is. Who’s to say those tapestries are anything? I think that you - all of you Asgardians - are terrified of being unmoored, so you make up shit like this so that you don’t have to grapple with morality.”

He tried to interrupt, but Verity continued. “You’re all terrified of life, so you pretend it’s one big play you’re putting on for our benefit, with roles and lines so that you needn’t make ‘em up. But you know what? Why don’t you just try? Try to improvise. Break away from it all. Maybe those tapestries do mean something, but maybe they just come true because you all keep doing what they say.

“You’re not the bad guy in a play, Loki,” she told him, her voice full of emotion and her hand rubbing his. It was just enough to keep him tethered to reality, he thought. “You’re my friend. You’re funny, and flippant. You don’t like to talk about your emotions. You don’t have great self-esteem and you kick ass at Jenga. You’re playing a part, but you know the thing about actors? They have lives when they get off the stage, and you could too.”

--

His boots echoed across the ground as he climbed the short hill to his destination. It was dust, not dirt, that he trod on, and the air was stale and cloyed in his lungs. It was the kind of air that felt like it didn’t blow, but just hung in the air for eternity, older than you by indescribable amounts.

No one went here. It was unplottable by some working laid down long before even the beginning of Asgardian history. It had taken Loki four days to crack, because 1) he’d spent all of his non-eating, non-sleeping time in the last couple of days focused on it, 2) he’d already made a groundwork as a teenager before his mother had told him off for meddling in things he shouldn’t have been and 3) he was pretty fucking good. Really, the only reason he hadn’t touched it before was because as he became a man, he grew to respect the Norns. Things had changed.

“Hello!” he called, not surprised to find the three women staring at him, likely well aware of his arrival for at least eternity, or something.

“Liesmith,” Lady Verdandi spoke in a low, powerful voice. “You have come to rattle the chains that you feel resting upon your shoulders.”

“Yep,” he responded, popping the ‘p’.

“These chains,” Skuld said in a tight voice. “Are imaginary.”

“No actually,” he said, beginning to pace around the room. “You see, I don’t really care if they’re ‘imaginary’ or whatever. I actually am just here to let you know that I’m just going to be kind of doing my own thing from now on.”

“Your ‘own thing’?” Urd sneered. “ You do not have your ‘own thing’. The fate we have laid out for you is everything you are.”

“Everything I am is just a mask.  A mask that you put on me!”

“Oh? That implies something on which a mask can be put. Is there anything under your mask, Loki? Do you even know?”

“Well, I guess I’m going to find out,” he ground out. They were sat down, staring up at him, and he felt unnervingly like he was still a child who had been summoned to his father’s study to receive an admonishment for troublemaking.

“You will find out,” Verdandi explained calmly. “That you are mistaken, and that you will play your part in the fate that will become and will end and will begin again, whether you try to fight against it or not.”

“So that’s it then?” Loki said softly, although his voice still echoed across the ancient walls that enclosed him. “There’s no path to grace for me. I’m your villainous fool, cast in this grand play so that your heroes may show their virtue in my vanquishment. I’m good when I’m bad, and I’m bad when I’m good.”

He paused, and stared her down.

“Well, I’m afraid I’d rather be bad on my own terms, actually.”

Verdandi had opened her mouth to say something else, probably something even more patronising, but before she had the chance Loki had stepped between reality and left Nornheim and its frigid, stale air behind him.

--

“Saw you coming,” the Watcher said when Loki stepped out in front of him. 

Loki smiled. “Naturally,”

Heimdall sat tiredly on the Bifröst’s lock. Loki noticed with a sort of jolt that Heimdall was getting old. Maybe they all were. “What is it you would like from me, my prince?” 

“Oh nothing really,” he answered. “I just thought I should let someone know that I will be unable to complete the most recent mission that the Allmothers have given me. In fact, perhaps you could let them know that I’m putting in my two week’s notice, so to speak? Although I’m not really giving them any notice, let alone two weeks.”

“Oh? Might I ask what has brought this on, your highness?”

Loki crossed his arms. “I’m trying this new thing called ‘making your own destiny’. All the cool kids are doing it.”

Heimdall nodded. He wouldn’t have been able to have viewed Loki’s conversation with the Norns, but he would have seen what Verity had said. “I wish you luck, dear child,” he said softly.

Loki’s smile turned quiet and genuine for just a moment, before he turned away and took a few steps. Wait! He had something else to mention.

He looked back at Heimdall.

“By the way, maybe I am going to kill you someday,” he said. “”But I promise that I’m going to try my damndest not to.”

With that, he stepped back into New York, and headed towards Dominoes to pick up their pizza. They were doing movie night, he and Verity. They were going to watch Legally Blonde. Loki thought about - What was her name? Susie? Sarah? He thought maybe she was right, in the end. Maybe it was a gift to believe in what can’t be seen, and thus a gift to follow darkened paths. But the path that brought him home felt warm and reliable, just like it always did.

[medeafive]

Blood and Stone - 23

Masterpost

“Bruce, I- He’s not waking up.”

“Hm? Oh, sorry. Who?”

“Steve. I went over, just wanted to check because he has been asleep for so long, and- I think he’s not waking up anymore. Could you just take a look?”

“That sounds bad.”

She hears scrambling and a door falling shut and then she must have nodded off again because the next thing she hears is “Nat. Nat!” She pries her eyes open. Bruce is standing next to her bed, looking panicked. “Nat, I need the drip. And the bed. Quickly. Sorry.”

She blinks, slipping her feet out from under the blanket. Cold outside. “What’s going on?”

“He has sepsis, probably,” Bruce replies briefly, pulling the needle from her arm. “Sharon, get Sam, and Bobbi, tell her we need to do a white blood cell count, obtain blood cultures- sorry, Nat, you really need to get up.”

She has no idea what’s going on but Steve, who Bruce drags in on the stretcher, really looks bad and Sharon, before she disappears, looks very pale, so Natasha pushes herself up, even though her heart starts drumming. “Put something on it so it doesn’t bleed too much,” Bruce orders. “You’ll find something. Could you- no, just get out of the way.”

Oh, this is bad. She moves slowly to the cabinet with the bandages, holding onto things in order not to fall over. Bruce starts dragging machines towards the stretcher, one of them the ventilator. “What does that mean, sepsis?”

“Inflammation,” Bruce replies briefly, changing the needle on the IV drip. “Immune system goes into overdrive, then stops. Leads to organ failure, leads to death.”

She takes one of the bandages, presses it to her arm. She’s feeling dizzy. Shouldn’t have gotten up so fast. “Can I help?”

“You stay where you are,” Bruce rejects, pressing two fingers to Steve’s neck and checking his watch. “He has a fever, he’s breathing hard, his heart rate is up- did he seem confused?”

“Well, yeah,” Natasha replies, gripping the other table for stability. “Of course.”

Bruce gnaws on his lip. “Shit. It’s probably the lungs. Where’s the sphygmomanometer?”

She’s about to ask him what the fuck that is when James rushes in. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”

Of course he smelled that. “She’s okay, he’s dying,” Bruce returns. “Oh, there it is.”

Her head tumbles off her shoulders just then, or that’s what it feels like, but James catches her before she drops like a stone, narrowly avoiding the edge of the table. “Take her away, give her fluids and food,” Bruce’s voice says. “I can’t right now. Oh, did she hit her head?”

“She’s fine, just weak,” James replies, cradling her head. “Can I do anything for him?”

“If you have no idea, just get out,” Bruce returns. “God, I should have monitored him better.”

Someone else comes rushing in. She blinks until Bobbi’s frame slowly sharpens. “Fuck. Did you take blood already?”

“Blood pressure is low,” Bruce reports. “Help me move him to the bed first. One, two-”

“Are you okay?” James asks, caressing her cheek.

She blinks, still dizzy. “Think so.”

“I’ll take you upstairs,” James suggests. “Is it okay if I carry you?”

She nods quietly. Bruce and Bobbi have moved the body, Bobbi has a syringe- James picks her up. Sam comes through the door. “How bad is it?”

“Very bad,” Bruce states. “I think it’s the lungs, pneumonia, his breathing-”

She’s out of the door by then. All of this is surreal. James is moving slowly, carefully. “Is he really dying?” she whispers.

“I don’t know,” James replies, shifting her head so it rests against his shoulder. “But he smells really sick.”

  James puts her on the couch in the common area and the others slowly join there. She eats cornflakes and an apple and some sausages, despite not having any appetite. Sharon's crying quietly, Pepper stroking over her hair while Fury asks her questions about the vampire fledglings from their last patrol. Natasha dozes off again, James right arm around her. Tony went downstairs a while ago, trying to help, but came up empty-handed. Clint's staring into empty air.

It's tense and it takes hours. Natasha eats and drinks mechanically, like breathing, just her body keeping itself alive. "I thought he was getting better," Sharon whispers to herself.

"Rumors spread," James remarks to Fury. "Even if vampires don't necessarily like each other, there's still a sense of belonging. Schmidt will take advantage of that and declare war on specific cities or regions. All the vampires, young or not, sanctioned or not, know they can go there and bite and kill as many people as they want, without penalty, and they will. He did it in Moscow, he did it around Sarajevo and he tried it in Northern France."

"So there will be more," Fury states. "A steady flow of vampires into Prague."

Tony snorts. "Well, isn't that just what we need."

"But did he really declare war on us?" Pepper asks. "Is that what you heard?"

"I didn't hear anything," James replies bluntly. "If he sent me a message, I made sure not to receive it. But that's probably what he did, keep you busy and wear you down while he gathers black cloaks for the final strike."

Fury frowns, which is probably the height of his facial expressions. "Rumlow won't clean them up anymore?"

"It's an unspoken deal," James states. "They help take the city, they get to live. If you call this living."

Someone's coming up the stairs. Sharon spins quickly. "Is it- how is it- is he-"

"Not good," Bruce admits quietly, wiping his glasses on his shirt. "I'm afraid we're going to have to make a decision."

"What decision?" Fury asks.

Bobbi sits down heavily. "He's in very bad shape. We gave him antibiotics and fluids, put him on ventilation and tried to drain fluid from his lungs but- I'm afraid it's too late."

"We also gave him a blood transfusion, and vampire blood as well," Bruce adds. "200ml, what we gave Nat. But it's just not enough."

"What's the choice then?" Tony asks. "Turning him into a vampire?"

James' left fist contracts, metal clacking. "I don't want to bite him."

"We could give him a lot more vampire blood," Bruce explains. "His blood pressure is very low so he could easily take a few liters. Of course we have no idea what will happen, but I would say we try it. Bobbi disagrees."

Bobbi sighs, wringing her hands. "I just don't think we can save him. He's so weak already. Either it kills him or does nothing to stop him from dying, or it turns him into something completely unknown to us. And that's going to be a lot harder than losing him now."

"We three can't make that decision," Bruce remarks. "And so we thought… you two are the closest to family he has."

"Me?" James replies incredulously. "Sorry but I don't even remember anything about him. I can't decide over his life."

"Killing people is also deciding over their life," Clint remarks.

James hisses. "I don't kill people, I kill vampires. Most of the time."

Sharon groans, rubbing her swollen eyes. "I should have checked on him earlier. If we found him earlier-"

"We haven't been able to identify what he's infected with," Bobbi explains. "So even starting earlier might have been useless. And we should have all monitored him, that's not your responsibility, but there was just so much going on."

"We really don't know what will happen when we try the treatment, Bobbi is right," Bruce says. "Natasha can correct me but I don't think anyone ever got injected with so much vampire blood."

She shakes her head weakly. Somehow, she feels like this is all her fault. "If you give him the vampire blood," James asks, "would you still have enough for Natalia?"

Tony snorts. "Oh, don't worry about that. We could pump both of them full of it and still have leftovers."

Sharon's chewing on her nails. "So it's my decision."

"Sorry," Bruce replies. "I think we should, Bobbi thinks we shouldn't and Sam said you should decide."

"We're not sure this won't turn him into a vampire, right?" Clint questions. "Or some other monster. What do we do then? Hope we can reason with him? Kill him?"

"I can do that," James offers quietly. "If it comes to that. I wouldn't want to place that burden on any of you."

"James," Natasha interrupts, alarmed. "Don't do that."

"Maybe this doesn't make sense but-" Sharon sighs. "I can't believe he got all this way here, the crash, the ice, the- just to die now? There has to be a way."

"I thought we were going to give him a lot of vampire blood anyway, initially?" Tony adds. "What changed?"

"Natasha and I had something of a plan," Bruce admits. "She told me about experiments with vampire blood that I didn't know about, that went horribly wrong, and- if it had gone wrong, we would have taken him out and told you it just didn't work. Spare you the pain."

"You're all a bunch of self-sacrificial idiots," Fury hisses. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"It was Alexei," Natasha whispers. "Alexei went farther than anyone else, than anyone ever should, and- I burned the evidence, I killed him, I made sure nobody would ever find out and get the same ideas."

"Oh, you really killed him yourself?" Tony questions. "So you're even worse than what they say."

"He was building an army of mindless drones," Natasha hisses. "He was going absolutely insane. I couldn't make him listen anymore. So yes, I cut off his head, and then the fledglings tore him apart, covering it up. And I'd do it again."

"Where are the mindless drones coming from?" Fury asks calmly.

Natasha sighs, staring at the ceiling. "When you- when you inject dead people with vampire blood, they get up and move again. But they'll only do what you tell them. Whatever you tell them."

"Oh, like zombies," Tony remarks.

"Like brain dead," Bruce corrects him.

Natasha snorts. "Well, we had a lot of bodies. And enough vampire blood. And Alexei had enough desperation and broken morals to- it was the only way to stop him."

"So you had no problem tearing your boyfriend's head off," Clint remarks bitterly. "And now you think you can have a baby ?"

"That's not fair, Clint," Pepper admonishes. "I'm sure that wasn't easy for her."

It was too easy, though. That's the problem. "Hey, plenty of people who shouldn't have kids have them anyway," Tony interjects. "Like my dad. Or yours. If she thinks she can do it…"

"Guys," Fury interrupts. "There's someone literally dying in our basement, so get to the point."

"Is that the worst that could happen?" Sharon asks. "That he turns into a mindless drone?"

"He could turn into a vampire," Bobbi replies. "Or something like that. He could try to kill us."

"But maybe even that wouldn't be so bad?" Sharon insists. "Maybe it's from seeing Natasha's friend, or maybe I'm just hopelessly naive but- I just can't imagine Steve being anything other than Steve."

"I wasn't always like this," James mutters, tracing down Natasha's arm to the wound from the needle. "I don't remember much of the early years. It took decades until I had any semblance of control."

"Okay, but she's optimistic and she wants to try?" Tony asks. "Is that right, Sharon?"

Sharon bites her lips, swollen glassy eyes. "I- I can't give him up."

Bobbi sighs, slapping her hands on her thighs, straightening. "Then- I guess we'll just restrain him and try. Hope for the best."

"Should I come with you?" James asks.

"We'll have to prepare first," Bruce replies. "Wait here until we'll get you."

Sharon presses her face into her hands while they disappear down the stairs again. "Fuck."

"It's going to be alright," Pepper mutters, hugging her. "Either way."

"You're remarkably calm, for just having found out she beheaded her last boyfriend," Tony remarks.

"I killed the fledglings," James admits. "They told me they found him already dead. Nobody else knows. I assumed she had her reasons."

"So did I," Fury admits. "Or I would not have accepted her here."

"Well, you definitely earned your nickname," Tony decides. "And I guess turning him into a martyr was better than everyone finding out even he was losing his mind."

"Today is really great," Clint mutters. "We're gonna get overrun by vampires, we're doing crazy experiments with people who can't say no, and also Tasha personally murdered the biggest icon in the fight against vampires. Isn't that great."

  James has to go down eventually and from there on, it's even more of a nail biter but somehow, Natasha still manages to eat another bowl of cornflakes and to fall asleep. She should probably get another dose of vampire blood but she doesn't want to ask. Somehow, this is her fault. If she hadn't taken up all of their attention, they might have had more time for Steve-

She wakes up because someone’s moving. God, she must have slept forever. The lights are off and the shutters are closed. “Oh, you’re awake?” Pepper’s voice asks.

Natasha stirs. “Uh, I guess. What’s- anything new?”

“No,” Pepper replies. “We thought we’d go downstairs and check. Do you want to join?”

Natasha groans. She really should get up. “Yeah, just wait a second.”

“Just gonna throw in a quick look,” Sharon states nervously. “I don’t wanna disturb, or endanger anyone-”

She doesn’t want to know, and simultaneously has to find out. “Oh, I’ll help you up,” Pepper offers, coming closer. Natasha’s eyes are getting used to the dark. “There. Should I lend you an arm?”

“Thanks,” Natasha mutters, grunting as she pulls herself to her feet. “Oh fuck.”

“Maybe Bobbi should take a look at you later,” Pepper suggests, steadying her. “Take it slow.”

They make it down the stairs, Sharon ahead and turning around nervously because they’re so slow. But then they’re down there and Natasha leans against a wall while Pepper takes a deep breath and cracks the door open, Sharon right behind her, biting her nails. There’s voices inside but Natasha can’t really see or hear, so she just leans there, eyes closed. She can hear her heartbeat in her ears. Oh, maybe she should sit down. “Oh, hey,” Bobbi’s voice says. “Just wait, I’ll be out in a second.”

The door closes. “Was that…” Sharon starts.

“Yeah, right?” Pepper remarks. “Weird.”

Natasha pries her eyes open. “What?”

“It looks like-”

The door opens again. “Sorry, we were too busy and forgot we should update you," Bobbi says. "He's stable but not waking up."

"But it looked like he-" Pepper starts.

Bobbi giggles. "Oh yeah, he's super jacked now. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, he's not out of the woods yet- but I'm just exhausted and that was super weird."

"But what about the inflammation?" Sharon asks, worrying away at her lip. "The lungs? Is that better?"

"Slowly," Bobbi replies. "But his lactate went down and the fever as well, blood pressure is normalizing- basically, the symptoms subsiding. And his muscles are growing huge, which is unexpected, but whatever."

"And he hasn't attacked anyone?" Pepper asks. "Or, you know, grown fangs or anything?"

"Not yet," Bobbi admits. "I reserve judgment until he wakes up. And you should be prepared, even if he doesn't try to hurt anyone- he's probably not going to be the same. Physically, mentally, personality-wise."

"You think it was- right?" Sharon questions. "Trying it?"

"Let's say it doesn't look too bad," Bobbi admits. "But the jury's still out. And if you hadn't tried, you'd beat yourself up about that, too."

"Should we leave you to it, then?" Pepper asks. "Let you go back to work?"

"We're still trying to identify the microbes causing the infection," Bobbi agrees. "Less urgent now, but still. Uh, Natasha, your friend is still in there, I hope it's okay if we borrow him a little longer."

She nods. Not that she likes this, James thinking it doesn't matter if he kills another person, that it's less bad because he's already a monster- he's not a monster. But she needs Bobbi, Sam and Bruce to be safe and James can keep them safe.

"Well, Nat, you should keep eating and drinking, even more now without the IV," Bobbi recommends. "And then we'll do your check-up later, if that's okay."

"We'll look after her," Pepper assures her. "So you can focus on Steve."

"Thank you." Bobbi grins. "I'll let you know when he grows an eight-pack."

  Once again, she eats and drinks, and then she's tired again. This time, she uses the opportunity to sleep in her own bed again. It smells like James, the cold, less human one, the old book. It's been a while.

She wakes up countless hours later, and it's again dark outside. Normally, somebody would be out on patrol. She's not so sure now. But she feels- okay. Someone, either Pepper or Sharon, probably Pepper, left a sandwich on her nightstand while she was sleeping, plus a glass of water. Natasha's hungry. She swallows the sandwich and downs the water, feeling her heartbeat in her throat. It could be wrong but she thinks the baby's moving, though it's not kicking as hard as that one time.

She decides to go downstairs, where there turns out to be no one, then goes down to the basement, slowly cracking the door open and peeking in. Bruce is looking through the microscope, Bobbi is surveying the choice of drugs or antibiotics or whatever, Sam is just sitting there, arm splayed across a table, dozing. All of them look very tired. James smiles at her, standing a bit away from the patient. She slips in, closing the door behind her. "Is it okay if I stay here?"

"Hm?" Bruce looks up and boy, those circles under his eyes. "Oh, yeah, sure. Just stay over there."

She takes a chair and sits down next to James. The guy- Steve, he's nothing like before, now he's broad and muscled and- he doesn't look real, to be honest. There are black straps all over him, keeping him down on the bed. He doesn't move, though she can see his chest heaving and lowering. His face isn't swollen and red anymore, just- normal. His eyes are closed. "Do you think he's better?" she asks quietly.

"I think he's going to make it," James states, staring at the blonde man strapped to the bed. "But he smells nothing like anything I've ever smelled before."

That could be good or bad. She stares some more. He's really- he looks less like a man and more like a statue. "I really hope you don't have to kill him."

"I don't want to kill him," James admits. "Maybe I've been staring at his face for too long but- I don't remember him but I know that face. And I- I feel a certain way about him, even if I don't remember him. Like I have to protect him."

She smiles. "That's sweet."

He snorts. "Well, we'll see. Did you get some sleep?"

"A lot," she returns, brushing her fingers through her hair. "And I ate a lot and drank a lot. And now- now I just want to sit here and do nothing."

"Mhm." He shakes his head, still staring at the comatose body. "That's fine by me."

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @michicant123!

Read on AO3

*****

Gnome Sweet Gnome

“No.”

“No!?”

“This is absolutely ridiculous.”

“Ohohoho, really . This is ridiculous, but the fact that you have been turned into a younger version of yourself again isn’t?”

“ Stiles , I’m a werewolf. I have a higher body temperature, therefore I don’t exactly need to be ‘bundled’ up.”

“Nice of you to completely ignore the fact that you’ve managed to get yourself into this kind of predicament again . And besides, I’m not about to go around town and have the good people of Beacon Hills thinking that I’m some kind of a child abuser .”

Derek frowns, but begrudgingly relents to Stiles’ fretting.

As Stiles tightens his childhood snowflake scarf around the grumpy boy, he reflects upon how exactly he ended up in this situation.

An hour earlier...

“It’s going to be fine . Derek is staying behind with you--”

“ With me, Scott?” Stiles scoffs incredulously, as he flops onto his bed, paying little attention to the freshly printed research notes being crushed beneath his weight. “We both know that he’s going to be skulking around town, scaring the crap outta anyone that gives him a passing glance because he has no control over his glares.”

“Dude, you’re nuts. I’ve seen Derek be all not glare-y plenty of times, especially with you. Besides, he wanted to stay behind.”

Stiles rolls his eyes at those words, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I know. Just take care of that feral wendigo as soon as you can, I’m still not over our Die Hard movie marathon being so rudely interrupted.”

Scott chuckles good naturedly, but the audio of the phone call turns patchy, breaking the warm laughter into staticy pieces.

“Hey, buddy, I think you guys are going through shitty service area.” Stiles raises his voice in an attempt to get his parting message through, “Stay safe, kick some feral wendigo ass, I’ll be-- we’ll be totally fine.”

A broken thank you and half of what Stiles assumes was going to be a loving and brotherly parting message is the last thing he hears when the line goes dead. He stares at his now silent phone, pouting childishly at the fact that him and Derek were the line of defense for Beacon Hills while Scott and the rest of his pack went off to go deal with a feral wendigo that tore its way through the neighboring town.

It drew dangerously close to Beacon Hills, but inevitably didn’t tread onto Scott’s territory. Unfortunately, the feral wendigo showed no signs in slowing its killing spree. And Scott, being the overly generous true Alpha he was, insisted upon hunting down the wendigo before any others were unnecessarily killed.

Fortunately, things in Beacon Hills were actually rather calm for once. As this thought flits across Stiles’ mind, he reaches his arm out to knock on the side of his wooden bedframe three times. He never expected to be of the superstitious type, but when you deal with the supernatural on a daily basis, it’s only natural for certain superstitions to follow.

Anyways, things in Beacon Hills are rather calm for once. College is out for Winter break, meaning that Scott and him have been participating in much needed gaming, binging, and general bro time. Albeit being back in Beacon Hills doesn’t permit much time to enjoy such things, as in between the gaming and the binging just this past week they’ve had to deal with a whole ensemble of supernatural creatures.

A bunyip with a rather terrible sense of direction, skeevy gnomes, and apparently dryads (which, honestly, Stiles shouldn’t have been all that surprised by their existence). Just to name a few.

“Who knows, maybe Derek will sniff out some havoc-wreaking, supernatural creature during his patrol.” Stiles mumbles to himself. “Just a small thing to help the time pass faster…”

The doorbell rings and Stiles sits up with a start. He looks at the time on his phone with a frown, it reads 3:24 pm. His dad is still at work, Derek is still on patrol (even if he was done or found something he would have helped himself to the graciously unlocked and slightly cracked open window and just invited himself in as usual), and Scott along with the rest of the pack were on the trail of the north-bound wendigo.

Carefully and cautiously, with years of supernaturally honed wariness, Stiles carefully peers out his window to take a surreptitious glance at whoever was on the doorstep… a kid? Before Stiles can even process what he’s looking at, the kid looks up directly at Stiles and locks eyes. Stiles stumbles backwards from the window in shock and trips over his gnome research notes that were neatly stacked on the floor.

“What the shit ?” Stiles hisses under his breath as his mind tries to make sense of the kid at the house’s doorstep. A ghoul? No, no, that doesn’t make sense, a ghoul wouldn’t politely knock. Scared child of a mysterious origin? That’s the most likely… those clothes are obnoxiously huge for such a small kid…

A young but irritated voice travels up through the cracked window, “Just open the damn door, Stiles.”

“Can’t you just use your werewolf powers to break the door dow-oh my God !?” Stiles rushes back over to the window and pulls it all the way open, he leans out and looks at the kid with disbelief, “No. Fucking. Way .”

Sure enough, standing on the front doorstep of Stiles’ home was a very displeased, ruffled, and tiny Derek Hale. There was something off-putting about seeing a young (what was he, seven!? ) child standing with crossed arms and a glare that would make anyone's skin crawl if not for the fact that the person delivering the glare was a child .

“ Yes way. Now, let me in . Unless you want your door to be accidentally turned into toothpicks.” The threats coming from such an adorable baby face, somehow made them seem simultaneously more and less intimidating.

Stiles splutters and quickly makes his way downstairs. He pulls open the front door after taking a couple steadying breaths to reveal some three odd feet of pure irritation.

“Wh-What even happened ?” Stiles quickly steps away from the doorway as the enraged child pushes his way into the Stilinski abode. “Wait a sec, are you even Derek? The Derek I know would have Nightcrawler-ed his way up into my room without a second thought… Oh crap, I’m going to die now, aren’t I?”

The child gives Stiles an unimpressed and a well-practiced glare. That alone makes the anxious feeling that was starting to creep up his spine back off quickly.

“Last time I checked, Nightcrawler teleports and werewolves do no such thing.” Derek frowns up at Stiles’ dumbstruck, and now relieved face.

“Oh thank god, you are Derek…” Stiles splutters once more as he attempts to make sense of the scene before him, “W-th-w-how…? I reiterate, what happened?”

Derek turns with a growl and starts to head up the stairs, comically stumbling on the clothes that are Derek’s size, roughly 20 years too soon. Stiles closes his eyes and shakes his head in an effort to see if this was just some sort of elaborate hallucination. But young Derek is still there when he reopens his eyes. So he closes the front door and moves to follow Derek up the stairs.

“Uh...Der…?” Stiles speaks hesitantly, keeping his distance from the angry child.

“What do you think happened, Stiles?” Derek snaps as he reaches the second landing.

“I literally have no idea, hence the question. I thought you were mellowing out in your old age, guess I was wrong.” Stiles leans against the banister, “Though to be fair, you being a child might be a contributing factor to your classic Derek Hale grumpiness™. But no matter what age you are, you have a knack for being the most frustrating person I’ve ever had to deal with.”

Stiles chuckles to himself and looks up at Derek, awaiting an equally scathing remark, only to find Derek’s wide, hazel eyes focused on the ground, his small lower lip quivering just the slightest bit. Stiles is taken aback by this amount of sincerity upon Derek’s face, it’s so uncharacteristic but he can’t help but feel absolutely awful about his jabs.

“Uh…” Stiles struggles to find the words, which is par for the course when dealing with Derek in regards to anything other than snark and sarcasm.

“You’re right,” Derek’s voice is soft and so young sounding, Stiles stills at this, “I shouldn’t have expected you to just automatically know what went wrong.”

“Derek I…” But whatever moment of sincerity that managed to exist between the two of them was quickly forgotten as Derek finally returned Stiles’ earlier snark with a comment of his own.

“But I assumed that as our resident researcher and navigator of the bestiary, that you would have a grasp on exactly what could have caused this without me having to hold your hand through everything.” Derek turns and walks to Stiles’ room, calling over his shoulder, “I guess you’re growing senile in your old age.”

“H-hey! You’re older than me!” Stiles follows.

“Not right now, I’m not. As you have made sure to point out.” Derek frowns at the papers strewn about the room, “How the hell do you find anything in this mess?”

“I’ve told you before, I have a system of organized chaos, step off.”

“Right…” Derek responds dubiously. With a roll of his eyes, he goes over to Stiles’ wardrobe and starts rifling through the contents.

“Why yes, Derek. Please, help yourself to my clothes.” Stiles sorts through his recent research notes, voice dripping with sarcasm. “You know, I realize that I may not be as buff as you when you’re all regular Derek sized, but I think my clothes will still be too big for you. Unless you decide to wear a pair of my boxers as shorts…”

He hears Derek grunt in affirmative as he grabs the gnome notes that he so unceremoniously kicked out of the carefully organized pile on his floor. As he shuffles the pages together, he flips through them gently. There’s pages on gnome diets, their underground culture, how to visit them, how to appease them, et cetera.

“So I’m going to have to admit my ignorance here. Other than that thing that you know who was trying to accomplish, I have no idea why or how this is happening…” Stiles turns to look at Derek, who is now wearing a pair of Stiles’ egg printed boxers and an incredibly loose, threadbare tank top that he didn’t even realize he still had. “You’re gonna have to give me something to work with… so I can… crack this case.”

Derek blinks, no appreciation for Stiles’ joke making abilities.

“Forget you, that was hilarious. Throw me a bone.” He stops with faux consideration, “I guess I should be the one throwing you a bone though.”

At the lack of a reaction, Stiles withers and pouts, slumping against his windowsill.

“Are you done?”

Stiles nods silently.

“Okay, so I was on patrol, as we agreed.”

“Mm-hm?”

“And while I was on patrol, I…” Derek hesitates before continuing carefully. “Noticed something strange, and next thing I know, I’m suddenly in the body of my six year old self again.”

Stiles stares at Derek as he says this, his body language is strangely guarded and Stiles frowns. “I personally think you look closer to seven or eight, but that’s beside the point. Derek, that is possibly the least helpful thing you could have told me. Could you give me a place, smell, or description to work with? Literally anything helpful at all?”

“City park. Near the library.” Derek grits out the words as if the confession of that helpful information was physically painful.

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Stiles stands and moves to his whiteboard, he spins it around to reveal a map of Beacon Hills. “Okay…” He pores over the map and sees that a sealed entrance to the old subway is located near the back of the library.

“Was this near the Eastern or Western part of the park?”

“Uh… east.”

“Hm…” Sure enough, the underground entrance meets up with about where Derek reticently described. He starts to mentally list the various supernatural creatures that like to make their home in the underground area. “So… why didn’t you just help yourself into my room as you usually do? You never answered.” Stiles says conversationally.

“I...I couldn’t.”

“What was that?”

“I said, I couldn’t.”

Stiles turns away from the board to gawk at Derek. “What do you mean, you couldn’t ? Derek, do you not have your werewolfiness right now?”

“No. I mean I don’t not have it. But I don’t have the fine-tuned control that my adult body does.” Derek looks down at his small palms, “If I try to use my werewolf abilities in anyway, I have no way of gauging the strength behind my actions right now.”

“Exactly how strong can a werewolf child be?” Stiles laughs weakly.

“Let me put it this way. I tried to run here on my hands and feet, because that’s usually faster for me. Rather than running, I accidentally destroyed part of the asphalt on the ground.” Derek slumps onto the ground, “I can’t control it right now.”

“Okay, fair enough.” Stiles turns back to the board and writes down a list of the underground dwelling creatures. “Did you catch a whiff of any of these before this happened to you?”

“I...might have noticed a gnome.”

“Oh man, really? I don’t want to have to deal with them again so soon.” Stiles goes over to his freshly organized pile of gnome notes, he flips through them to the sections on how to visit and appease them. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid to piss them off?”

“Your confidence in me is astounding.”

“You haven’t given me much to work with, can you blame me?”

Derek levels him with a classic glare and stare. “I didn’t do anything to piss them off.”

“You sure you didn’t accidentally kick a gnome puppy or something? Destroy any gnome gardens?” Stiles grins, “Did you kill Gnomeo and Juliet?”

“Alright, clearly you’re not going to help. I’ll wait until everyone else is back.” Derek moves to leave the room.

“Wait wait wait, sorry. This is just… ridiculous.” Stiles flips through his notes to the visitation pages. There are illustrations of jewel toned beetles amongst the steps of how to enter a gnome’s underground city. “Hm? You know I was initially joking about stepping on gnome stuff but…” Stiles takes a closer look at the descriptions under the beetles. “Do you remember maybe accidentally stepping on this ?”

He turns the book towards Derek and points at the emerald beetle illustration. Beneath it reads the words “ used to shrink non-gnome creatures into a size that allows visitation into a gnome city, typically used for land negotiations and trading ”.

Derek’s eyes widen in recognition, but he quickly shrugs, floundering slightly, “M-maybe, I’m not sure.”

“ Dude , you should have said something sooner, Jesus.”

“Don’t call me dude.” Derek huffs and averts his gaze. But there’s gotta be something more to this.

Stiles rolls his eyes, “Whatever, c’mon we need to get you back to the gnome-man lands, they have these ruby beetles to reverse the effect of the emerald beetles.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, I’m not having you leave the house dressed in my boxers and a tank top that looks like it’s going to fall apart any second.”

“Stiles, it doesn’t matter.”

“What, are you gonna just walk there, while holding a bag of your adult clothing? Hoping that not a single concerned citizen stops you along the way?”

“I can use the woods.” Derek speaks with finality.

“Well the entrance to Gnome Town is in the basement of the library, which you will have to walk through to reach.” Stiles crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow defiantly, “You wanna try that again?”

“I can break into the library.”

“It’s freezing outside, and there will be plenty of patrons in the library today.” Stiles moves to his closet, “Try again, buddy.”

Derek’s cheeks redden with indignation, “And what are you exactly trying to suggest?”

With a grin, Stiles pulls down a cardboard box from the top shelf of his closet. He opens it to reveal child-sized clothing. He tosses a random graphic tee at Derek’s dumbfounded face and rummages deeper into the box. He plucks his matching snowflake patterned hat and scarf from the side of the box and digs some more. He withdraws some blue striped sweats aaand… from the depths of the box he unearths a bright red and tree-patterned winter sweater.

He holds all the items aloft with a huge grin splitting his face.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope! Bundle up sourwolf! Don’t worry, I’ll turn away.”

Stiles lays the clothes on the bed and turns around with a smirk. He hears Derek mumbling curses under his breath, but he also hears the shifting of fabric. Stiles’ eyes rove his closet and he frowns thoughtfully. He doesn’t have any kid shoes that his father deemed important enough to keep for future use. He then recalls a pair of yellow rain boots that sat long forgotten in the garage.

Derek grits out an “I’m done” and Stiles turns around to see little Derek bundled up in his old clothing. And if he were to be asked candidly, Stiles would have said that Derek looked absolutely adorable. Thankfully no one was there to question him.

“Hey, what about the hat and scarf?”

“What about shoes ?”

“Thank you for reminding me! C’mon.” Stiles grabs the hat and scarf from his bed. He also grabs the adult Derek clothes that were carefully folded on the edge of his bed and flies down the stairs.

Derek follows and forces out a small, “Thank you. I can actually walk without tripping over myself now.”

“Aww, you’re welcome. Glad to be of service.” Stiles puts the clothes on the kitchen table and opens the door leading into the garage. Sure enough, the pair of yellow rain boots are still there under the rake and years of debris. He shakes various bug carcasses out of the boots and presents them to Derek with a flourish.

“Your shoes, my liege.”

“Shut up.” But Derek takes the shoes and pulls them on. “ Now can we go?”

“Tsk tsk, you gotta put the hat and scarf on.”

“No.”

“No!?”

“This is absolutely ridiculous.”

“Ohohoho, really . This is ridiculous, but the fact that you have been turned into a younger version of yourself again isn’t?”

“ Stiles , I’m a werewolf. I have a higher body temperature, therefore I don’t exactly need to be ‘bundled’ up.”

“Nice of you to completely ignore the fact that you’ve managed to get yourself into this kind of predicament again . And besides, I’m not about to go around town and have the good people of Beacon Hills thinking that I’m some kind of a child abuser .”

Stiles pulls on the hat and holds the scarf out to Derek. He relents and lets Stiles wind the scarf around his neck, eyebrows furrowed in frustration.

“There we go, that wasn’t that hard, was it?”

“Whatever, can we go sometime today?”

“Yeah yeah, lemme grab my keys and wallet.” Stiles grabs those as well as a plastic bag for Derek’s clothes.

The drive across town to the library is awkward.

Stiles knows that Derek is still omitting something about his encounter earlier, and he’s pretty sure that Derek knows that he knows. He frets at a few stoplights, trying to find the right words to figure out why Derek was being so cagey about this whole encounter.

Stiles thought that they were past this pettiness, they’ve worked together for many years at this point, and he even tentatively considered them to be friends. But this evasiveness and unwillingness to be open about things was just like the early days of their… well, it wasn’t even an acquaintanceship, they barely tolerated each other.

“I can hear you thinking.”

“Well I wasn’t aware that this beetle granted you mind reading powers, unless you had mind reading powers as a kid and lost that ability with age.”

“No, I mean…” Derek sighs and looks out the side window. He twists his fingers into the fabric of the sweater. “I know that I’ve been weirdly unspecific about this whole thing.”

“Ha! Yeah, you think?” Stiles scoffs.

“It’s because I wanted to make sure that you weren’t affected.”

��Affected? By a beetle that you accidentally stepped on on the other side of town?” Stiles snorts, “Derek, c’mon. I thought we were past this.”

“We are , it’s just... I didn’t step on the beetle on accident.” He trails off into whisper at the end of the sentence, but Stiles heard clear enough.

“What do you mean it wasn’t on accident?” Stiles blinks, trying to make sense of the new information, “Your super sniffer should have told you that that beetle was magical, right? You should’ve known that stepping on some random magical being would have had some sort of consequence!”

“I knew that it was something.” Derek slumps in his seat and grumbles.

“ Something ? Derek, just tell me, stop this omission bullshit.” Stiles says with irritation.

“It smelled like one of the nogitsune’s flies to me. Which worried me.” Derek huffs, “There you go.”

Stiles stills at that. Even with what Derek just said, he still notices the strange amount of apprehension around the words. “And?”

“And what else? Do you want me to tell you how it made me worried about you? How scared I was about you getting hurt again? What do you want me to say, Stiles?” Derek’s voice raises in volume and he turns towards Stiles full bodily.

Stiles swallows the lump in his throat and pulls over to park. He blinks and shakes his head, trying to process what Derek just said. He turns his head towards Derek. Derek’s face is red and blotchy, his eyes are huge and have tears beading at the corners. His lower lip is quivering as his eyebrows stay aggressively furrowed.

“Well!?” A couple of the tears escape and stream down his round cheeks.

Combined with the teary eyed child in his car and his brain’s gears finally working, Stiles is astonished by his revelation.

“Oh my god, you care about me.”

“Wh-w- YES ! I thought that was obvious!” Derek responds emphatically.

“No, you really care about me. Scott said that you wanted to stay behind, and that you’re not ‘glarey’ around me.” Stiles rests his forehead against his steering wheel, “Oh sweet Jesus.”

“Stiles, I’m so sorry.” Derek speaks carefully, “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward position.”

Derek sighs, “Now that I know, I can work on getting over you. I’d like if we could still be friends, despite this.”

“Oh my god, you’re so dumb.” Stiles takes a shuddering breath, “Did I say at any moment, that I didn’t feel the same?” Derek’s eyes widen at this. Stiles continues speaking and mumbling his thoughts under his breath, “I’m going to kill Scott. There’s probably not even a real feral wendigo is there?”

He stops suddenly, and grabs the plastic bag of clothes as well as a single chocolate gold coin from his cup holder. “Nope, I’m not having this conversation with you while you look like a third grader. C’mon.”

Derek blinks as Stiles owlishly, and hastily wipes the drying tears from his face. Stiles slides out of the car and goes around to open the door for Derek. Derek hops down and meekly tugs at the edge of the sweater, Stiles locks the car and holds out his free hand. Derek looks up at Stiles and smiles tentatively.

This isn’t exactly how Stiles imagined holding hands with Derek this holiday season, but it was still nice in a strange way.

The two of them enter the library and nod at the employees at the circulation desk. Stiles guides Derek through the stacks to the back of the building to the once carefully sealed door leading to the basement. He nudges the door open with his hip after making sure there were no onlookers, and the two of them descend into the dark depths of the library.

They carefully navigate the dark and dusty stacks of the basement and find the sealed entrance to the old subway platform. Or at least that’s how it appeared, Derek and Stiles pass through the disguised archway and enter a warmly lit platform. Standing before them were four gnome guards wearing what looked like armor made out of reptilian skin seated around a small table playing some sort of card game.

The gnomes look up from the table at the sound of Stiles and Derek entering the vestibule.

"Ey wouldja look at dis, dose humans are back." The gnome seated facing them calls out.

"Aye, I see dem." Says the gnome to his left.

"Dat were one seems to 'ave used an emerald beetle. But he didn't pass through here, right?" Says the one to his right. The fourth gnome nods silently in agreement.

The first gnome stands and grins with broken teeth, "Dey prolly need demselves a ruby beetle, amiright?"

Stiles takes this moment to speak, "Yes, yes that's why we're here. It seems as though an emerald beetle wandered off, and my friend here stepped on it."

"A were shoulda been able to whiff out oneuva our beetles." The left one speaks with an incredulous tone.

"Yes, he did, but he mistook it for another kinda magic. Easy mistake to make. Now could we get one of those ruby beetles to go, or is it dine-in only?"

"Stiles..." Derek hisses under his breath, his hand tightening around Stiles' infinitesimally.

The first gnome steps around the table and waddles towards them. "Sure sure, dats an easy mistake. But mistakes come at a price..." The gnome grins and holds out an empty palm.

"Show me the beetle first."

"Show me whatcha gon' give me for da beetle."

Stiles pulls the chocolate gold coin and a pair of clear red plastic dice from his pocket, while simultaneously the gnome buries his hand into his pocket and withdraws a closed fist.

“This is so dumb.” Derek whispers to Stiles.

“Shut up .” Stiles whispers back.

The gnome to the right pipes up, “On dee count a three…”

Stiles maintains eye contact with the first gnome as the right gnome counts down, “One… two… three !”

In the leather covered palm of the gnome lay a glittering and bright red beetle. In Stiles’ hand lay the chocolate gold coin and the red dice from the Scott’s game of Aggravation that he happened to have stowed away in his pocket.

The gnome’s eyes glitter at the sight of Stiles’ offering. “Dose are some lovely lookin’ dice you’ve got dere, you sure you wanna part with such a lovely item?”

Stiles falters, but quickly nods, “Oh I know, I will miss them so much. They’re really so lovely, aren’t they, Derek?” Derek nods dumbly, “Now then, if I give you these beloved dice, and my golden coin here, will that be enough for the ruby beetle?”

The main gnome turns back to the other three and they snicker conspiratorially. “Ye, take the damned beetle. Gimme dose dice already!”

Stiles gives the gnomes a withering smile as they trade. The gnomes cackle with glee as the main gnome returns to the table with his spoils.

“Let’s get outta here, Derek…” Stiles leads the two of them back into the library basement, the echoes of the gnomes cackling and the clattering of sound of the dice upon the table follows them.

Derek steps out of the bathroom sheepishly holding the plastic bag of clothes out to Stiles. “I think my shoes should be around the back of the building still…”

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me to go grab them while you were doing your beetle mumbo jumbo, presto change-o?”

Derek reflexively responds with a “Don’t call me dude.” But then he coughs awkwardly, “I… I didn’t want you too far away.”

“Aww… you’re such a sap.” Stiles takes the plastic bag from Derek’s outstretched hand, and takes the now empty hand into his opposite one.

“Let’s go get your shoes. I’m pretty sure the cafe has a no shoes, no shirt, no service policy.”

“Cafe?”

“Well, yeah. I’m not waiting a moment longer to take you out on a date. If you’ll have me of course.” Stiles hesitates for a split second as Derek’s silence draws out. “Der?”

Derek blinks, but a gentle, sincere smile works its way across his face. “Of course.”

Stiles returns the smile with a sincere one of his own. A mischievous glint enters his eyes, “By the way… did I mention what an adorable kid you made?”

“ Stiles …”

“ So cute. I should’ve taken pictures when I had the chance!”

“Nevermind, this was a terrible idea. I’m going home.”

“Wait, Derek!”

“This is a library, Stiles. Please keep your voice down.”

“ Derek… ”

“Nope. Stop following me.”

“C’mon, lemme treat you.”

“ No .”

“But baby it’s cold outside!”

“I’m done here.”

[kastartss]

I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)

Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.

I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many. 

On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.

But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.

The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.

Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant. 

Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.

This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately). 

I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health. 

It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was. 

I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors. 

All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness. 

This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?

The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant. 

Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Italia season 2, episode 1 reaction

Hello, how’s everybody doing? We survived the first week of a S3 remake. I wrote a little (a lot) about it.

Just to be clear: I completely understand if people just want to hang on and enjoy the ride because it’s S3 again, we love it, it’s an important story for many people! But so far there are aspects of Skam Italia S2 that I am positive about, and there are areas where I have criticisms. Don’t read if you don’t want to hear some comments that are not 100% enthusiasm. For real, I’m not trying to be a buzz kill, like I’m fine with posting these to crickets, lmao, because it’s a fun exercise for me to analyze the remakes even if I’m essentially talking to myself. 

Thank you so much to everyone translating this show! Imagine if no one was translating this season. The fandom would lose its goddamn mind. You are literally saving the planet from destruction, thank you for your service.

At the risk of sounding pretentious, I’m going to put additional disclaimers here, because people have strong feelings about Skam S3, and people also have strong feelings about Skam Italia, and there is already drama when those feelings bump up against each other:

The reason why I started doing reactions to the remakes was to compare the versions of Skam and analyze what worked and what didn’t in the adaptation process. This was a clever change to fit this culture, this was awkward and didn’t work, etc. While I do want to judge S2 of Skam Italia on its own merits, I’m not going to leave the original series out of it and look at this season as something that exists in a Skamless void, because that’s not my aim with these recaps. So if you are really not interested in comparisons to the original show (positive, negative, or neutral) then perhaps don’t read further.

I’m also taking into account this is a different culture than the original show and noting how that might affect this story, and that it’s a big deal to have an LGBT Italian lead in a series and Italian fans are very excited. So I’m keeping that in mind! But I also think that, should Skam Italia bungle something, it’s okay to call it out, it doesn’t get a free pass. We criticized parts of the original series while praising it where it succeeded. Sana’s season, for example, is extremely progressive as a concept (a Muslim girl lead is extremely rare) but had numerous aspects where it stumbled, and as a fandom there was no shortage of criticism. This goes for both the social justice and educational aspects of Skam as well as writing, directing, acting, and other basic storytelling stuff.

Okay? Okay.

Episode 1

Clip 1 - GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TUB, LOSERS

Right away, I loved the voicemails. They sound like real accounts of homophobia, and I don’t know if these are actors recreating them or real people sharing their own experiences, but it was a powerful intro to the season.

I also like zooming in over the city while these voicemails played, over all these dark apartment buildings, because it felt like those voices could be coming from anywhere. They were anonymous. Your neighbor could be gay, the woman who lives downstairs could be a lesbian, and you might never know because they’re in the closet. You might never know how much they’d suffered due to homophobia. But they’re also everywhere. Despite their treatment in society, LGBT people aren’t “the other” but can be anyone you know. That’s why it zooms into the party, to link these anonymous voices to a face that we we do know.

I saw some people suggesting that maybe these have to do with Martino’s involvement in the radio station, and that this will be some part of a project that he does, and while I think it’d be awesome if the radio station came into play with his personal development, I’m ehhhhh about these turning out to be part of Martino’s project all along because it doesn’t seem like it goes with the real time format, and IDK, it seems too literal. But I’d be OK with it these were more of a thematic device and Martino has a literal confession along these lines later on. 

Rainbow logo 🌈🌈🌈

...who’s that blue-haired girl?

I feel like Edoardo being immediately on screen was to reassure any OG Skam viewers and Incantava fans who hadn’t yet gotten the message that EDOARDO IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING ANYWHERE THIS SEASON DO NOT PANIC.

Silvia is watching some girls dance and for a hot second I hoped they were finally hinting at the lesbian Vilde story we deserve, but it seems like she is watching them because of their slim figures, because she reconsiders the piece of cake she was going to eat. Silvia, no.

Silvia is very upset about the hotties at the party and Sana says there only would have been four people there and reassures her that she’s beautiful, awwww. But Silvia is upset about some Argentinean girl, who I assume is an apex hottie that she fears will outshine her, perhaps?

Silvia waves at Edoardo, who ignores her. You know, Edoardo’s apology to Silvia would feel more genuine if he acted like a baseline decent human being toward her instead of refraining from basic politeness because OH NO he has to shake her off his back (except when he can exploit her interest for his own gain).

It’s Italian Eskild! He says that Edoardo’s hair is indeed shit, suggesting Eleonora has told him all about it (something for the Incantava shippers) and I mean, I support him giving Silvia a boost, and I support any dragging of Edoardo, except Edoardo’s hair is like the one thing about him that is not shit.

He takes Silvia to dance and comments about checking her boobs to see if she is a virgin, so this is filling in for S2’s “It’s Britney bitch” moment. I guess they’re going to incorporate some Skam S2 material into this season in order to accommodate for the switch in storylines.

Hey, you know what I could have strongly done without? Filippo grabbing Silvia’s tit out of nowhere. There’s sometimes a tendency for gay men to grope women and get away with it because it’s obviously not sexual, so what’s the problem? Except the problem is that men, no matter what their sexuality, feel like they have unfettered access to women’s bodies. I’m not saying HE’S CANCELED or anything, but it irritated me that they threw in such a small moment that wasn’t needed, especially because this is our introduction to this character. Thanks, I want casual groping to be my initial impression of this guy. (Just to be clear, this dialogue happens in the original, but there is no unauthorized tit-grabbing from Eskild.)

And the fact that this moment went so unremarked upon is a sign of how normalized this behavior is, frankly. But they played it off as a funny moment so it’s okay!! Lol Filippo, you’re supposed to be gay!!!

Incantava shippers get a morsel before Eleonora leaves for London as she and Edoardo share a ~glance.

So Filo is Eleonora’s brother, which is a good way to incorporate his character considering it’s unlikely for Martino or Eleonora to live with a random roommate instead of their families, and they hadn’t set up the Filo character in S2 so his appearance in Martino’s life is going to need to be established quickly. So that makes both the Eleonora-Filo and Martino-Filo relationships more plausible in this culture.

Although lmao, imagine some of Eskild’s S2 scenes now that he and the Noora character are related. I’m sure Eleonora will need to bleach her eyeballs if she walks in on her brother getting his dick sucked to Circle of Life.

Eva catches up to Martino in the kitchen, and the flirtatious vibes are there right away, you know this isn’t going anywhere good. She tries to kiss him, so this is basically that scene from S2 where Eva tries to make out with Isak at a party, except way more awkward because this Eva actually manages to get a few kisses on Martino. Yikes.

Of course he’s not into it, and she’s just like yeah, go to your friends. Go find Gio. She knows where his real interests like. 

Martino answering some random landline is pretty endearing, especially when he has cans of beer he needs to balance to do so.

Him being like “I am not the owner.” Lmao, he’s a sweetie. I suppose this was maybe a neighbor or someone wondering about the noise level and activity at the party, and that was why the police show up later? But I like to imagine that they were filming in this building, the phone rang randomly, and they were like, eh, throw it in.

So now we’re moving into the OG S3 content, with Martino entering the bathroom and sitting in the tub with his friends drinking and getting high.

Elia is the second person to mention the Argentinean girl, so I guess she must be a stone cold babe. Are we ever going to see her? Or will her hotness exist only in legends?

They do the whole song and dance where Martino pretends like these girls aren’t hot enough for him, while the other dudes are not having it. Well, to be fair, he really isn’t into them. I’m not sure what to make of his reactions, because Isak was very performative, and Martino just seems indifferent.

The boys claim to have gotten Fede a present, I wonder what it was? Probably just booze or something?

Lmao I was wondering why this girl would use this random out-of-the-way bathroom, but apparently two dudes are fucking in the other one (what are the odds it’s Filo).

What assholes, get out of the fucking tub for two minutes and let the girl pee in peace! I guess they’re just lazy and stoned, but JFC.

Instead of saying the girl looks like Eleven from Stranger Things, Martino tells her she looks like a frog… I kind of see it? But she’s also a babe, soooo. 

Not gonna lie, I really did not like how they adapted this scene. “We’ll leave you alone to pee but you have to hook up with one of us” is not … cute … like it takes it out of negging teenage asshole territory and gets creepy. Maybe because of the hellscape that has been RL politics for the past few weeks, but I’m not in the mood for any of this boys-will-be-boys shit.

We know that one new dude must be Magnus because he is instantly rejected.

Martino gives the boys the thumbs up once Italian Emma starts making out with him and they’re leaving.

Martino didn’t actually do anything to win over this girl, really? With Isak it was a performance: Emma came in and he made a determined effort to flirt with her, he negged her, he complimented her, he got out of the tub and was more active in his pursuit. All of that was because he was trying to seem straight in front of his friends. Martino, on the other hand, was far more passive. He made the frog comment but that seems less like negging when all four of them are sitting there being dicks to this girl, rather than him alone, and she just happened to choose him out of the four. Isak was putting some effort into it and pretending to be interested until the boys left and things got steamier, but Martino just plain is not trying. He ain’t feeling it.

This is one of the disadvantages of writing recaps episode by episode as they air and not when you can look at the full season, though. Because on the one hand, making Martino more of a passive participant in his fake heterosexuality is fine, but on the other hand, if that’s not their intent - if they’re more or less going to follow Isak’s character arc for him - then I think they missed a big point of this scene in not making Martino pursue this girl more actively. But we don’t know exactly if this is a thoughtful, deliberate choice or an oversight. (For example, in S1 of Skam Italia, several of Eva’s key moments of “who are you?” were eliminated, Gio’s skate park speech was rewritten with a different focus, etc. which made me wonder about her character arc. It could have worked if they had intentionally made these changes to arrive at a different conclusion, but in the end Eva’s final speech to Gio is the same, the arc is supposed to be the same even though crucial points have been left out, and it didn’t feel as strong. So it’s hard to say whether Martino’s character is supposed to be written with subtle differences that change his characterization, or if they don’t realize how small edits can affect the perception of this character.)

I am a little alarmed that the girl goes for the blowjob like immediately after choosing Martino? Isak was hardcore flirting with Emma so it made more sense she was trying to do that with him. With this girl, she’s just trying to pee and some random guy’s like “Hook up with one of us and we’ll leave you be” and she’s like, “Sounds like a plan!” Damn girl, didn’t you need to really use the toilet? But you’re going to stop to blow him? Okay.

Eva is stumped by seeing that Martino was in the bathroom with a girl,  probably moreso because he just rejected her upstairs. Well, this girl isn’t his best friend’s ex, sooooo it makes a smidge more sense, Martino’s sexuality aside.

Incantava moment: Edoardo brings up the deal with the apology to Silvia, so that made it into this remake. Part of the deal was to erase the wall of conquests - smart of Eleonora - and I guess Edo did that, hopefully, but he also reminds her that she agreed to a date.

What a power move of Eleonora to go to England to avoid this date.

At least Edo was not pursuing her prior to this, apparently. It would be a shame if they suddenly had him pressure her into a date in Eleonora’s season.

Okay, I realize that Martino didn’t appear to have the best options to hide his weed,  but he’s really just gonna put it in a box on the railing where it could easily get knocked over the balcony or blown away or something? Lmao.

The scene of the boys running away from the cops was cute and had that “reckless youth enjoying the night” vibe.

So Martino clearly still has Giovanni feelings, and Giovanni is going to be crashing at his place tonight. Look at that hand on Martino’s shoulder, probably burning through his shirt. I like perhaps acknowledging the idea that all this casual affection between guys in this culture can take on a hidden toll for a closeted gay kid.

Martino mentions that his mom is freaking out, so they’re openly acknowledging Martino’s mom situation in front of the other guys (when Isak was less open about it) and Giovanni gives him a hug that fucks Martino up. It seemed like Martino didn’t want Giovanni to come over, probably both because of his crush and because of his mom situation.

Clip 2 - Sad boy slumber party

Martino wakes up and stares at Giovanni, who’s still sleeping. Martino is not on the bed, but on the floor, ostensibly because Giovanni threw him off the bed but really because he doesn’t want to be so close to Giovanni. He pointedly turns down Giovanni’s invitation to get back in the bed. This is a really delicate situation; this is such a casual thing for Giovanni that he doesn’t even think about it, but for Martino it’s this extremely loaded scenario that comes with dangers, so better not risk it.

Eva calls and wants to talk to Martino, but he can’t since he’s with Giovanni. Giovanni says that he’s been trying to get back together with Eva, and making a fool out of himself, so Martino is certainly not enjoying about this reminder that Giovanni likes girls, Giovanni loved (loves?) Eva, it will never be Giovanni and Martino in the way he wants. Also, awkward of course because Eva tried to kiss Martino, which says a lot about how she thinks of Giovanni - probably not keen to get back with him if she can make a move on his best friend, even when drunk.

Okay, I have a deeply unpopular opinion and that is: while Skam Italia’s cinematography is often visually impressive, at times it does not work with the material it’s supposed to be conveying. It’s not style over substance, but style against substance. There are several examples, but to go into one now: why the fuck is the lighting so dark in certain moments. Whyyyyyy.

And before you tell me, I do know why the director is perhaps doing this. It’s supposed to reflect Martino’s state of mind, it’s supposed to make things seem bleak, it’s supposed to contrast with the sunnier scenes such as later in the episode with Niccolò, etc. etc. The problem is that I do not think it is effective for the format of this show. Here’s the thing: we are supposed to be in Martino’s POV for a reason. His reactions should not be hidden from us, this audience, and to me the lighting is a barrier from getting closer to him and getting fully into his mindset. Like, the camera should be eating this shit up! Give me all the microexpressions! Federico Cesari is doing a nice job of acting so far and it bugs me that the lighting is obscuring some of his facial expressions. Now it makes sense for ambiguity on the part of say, Niccolò, who will be keeping secrets for most of the season (based on Even’s role) but this is Martino’s season, and we as the audience should be deep into his head every step of the way. This is supposed to be an immersive experience. There is zero reason to obscure Martino’s reactions from the audience. Martino may have a barrier between him and his friends, his family, his schoolmates, society at large - but not us, the viewers. (And not just the lighting, but for example, that his face is shot in profile for part of this scene, which again doesn’t give us a full range of Martino’s reactions, or the amount of distance between the camera and Martino at times. Even if you can assume what Martino is thinking and feeling enough that you don’t need really clear reaction shots, it’s like there’s a gap and we’re not supposed to get too close.) 

Like obviously this cinematography is working for people, and if it is for you, great! If this were a different show, I could be fine with it. But not with a series that is supposed to put me fully into this character’s head, not keep me at a distance.

Covitti is the girl from the bathroom? She’s followed Martino on IG. I feel like, if they’re doing a repeat of Emma’s involvement, then it doesn’t work as well as to why she’d suddenly be interested in Martino. With Isak, there was something karmic about it, because he blatantly pursued when he met her, and it’s like he reaped what he sowed, you know? Don’t get me wrong, he absolutely did not deserve the much later repercussions with Emma outing him, but the immediate aftermath of him flirting with Emma showed that his actions had consequences. He couldn’t just make out with this girl for the benefit of an audience and then drop her. With Martino, he was so much more passive with Covitti, that it feels less earned. I mean he’s very cute, but him being doggedly pursued by her doesn’t have as much to do with his characterization, unless the point is that he refuses to put his foot down and reject her. (A valid characterization choice! But hopefully an intentional one.)

We get to see Martino’s mom and on the one hand, it’s pretty cool that she’s around in this version, but on the other hand, goddamn am I apprehensive about how they will depict her.

Martino really does not want to eat lunch with her. Apparently they have chicken and potatoes four times a week. Credit to Giovanni, he acts normal and is polite to Martino’s mom and is eager to eat with her.

Eva apologizes for trying to kiss Martino. So Giovanni is trying to get back with Eva and Eva made a move on Martino. Awkward! Eva is also probably dying to bring up the topic of that girl in the bathroom with Martino, let’s be real.

Giovanni chides Martino for being an asshole and says if he didn’t treat his mom like shit, maybe he would help her! Hey, no offense, Giovanni, but fuck off. I agree that Martino was not nice to his mom, I agree that he should treat her better. But Giovanni is a visitor. He is a guest in this household. He doesn’t know shit about what it’s like to live there or what’s the best course of action. No, actually it’s not as easy being kind to someone and it’ll fix their mental illness.

If I sound weirdly pissed about this, it’s because I am speaking as someone who has been a caretaker to a mentally ill parent. One of the most frustrating things was when people who were completely outside of my situation told me how to deal with it. It’s fucking easy to think you have the answers when you don’t live in this situation, when you have the freedom to go back to your own home when shit gets really rough. When you likely haven’t seen a loved one at their worst. 

To clarify, this isn’t necessarily a flaw of the show, just an area where I think a character is flawed. But I would hate for Giovanni’s POV to be validated. Of course Martino should not treat his mother poorly, but he needs to do that on his own, not because some outsider who has no idea what is going on in this house thinks so.

Anyway. Shut the fuck up, Gio. 

Eva also doesn’t want Martino to tell Gio, so you know Gio is going to find out at some point. Here’s the thing: if this drama is more along the lines of ~ooo Eva kissed Martino and he didn’t tell Gio and Gio feels BETRAYED when he finds out~ then it sounds tedious and exactly the kind of drama I don’t want. It’s not necessary, it’s honestly a very low-stakes situation. However, if it’s more of a lead-in to S1’s drama being revealed, and Gio learns about what happened with Martino ratting out Eva, that would be interesting. I’d be very interested in seeing where it goes. I think the writers have to know that this would be the most compelling aspect, so here’s hoping.

Not gonna lie, one thing I liked about S3 was the lack of heterosexual relationship drama (other than what directly serviced Isak and Even’s relationship), and I don’t want this season to stray too far into Eva/Gio stuff. Though I realize that by switching S2 and S3, they probably feel like they have to account for their relationship.

In S2 of the original, we saw the remnants of Eva/Jonas more on Eva’s side, through Noora’s eyes. Eva told herself she was over Jonas and they were just friends, but we could see that wasn’t totally true. With this season, though, we’ll probably see Eva/Giovanni more through Giovanni’s eyes, because even if Martino is Eva’s friend, he’s Giovanni’s best friend.

Clip 3 - The Phantom Clitoris

Lmao, Luca being like “Guess what happened to me” and Gio being like “Did you put an egg in the microwave again?” (I mean, you can cook eggs in a microwave even if it’s not the best way!)

Luca hooked up with a girl! If we believe him. She didn’t have a clitoris! Except he didn’t know what it was called. I don’t know whether to think that if it he didn’t know what it was called, he probably didn’t know how to look for one, or that he’s straight up lying. But this is interesting because Jonas was the one who went down on girls in the original and had this dialogue, and then Magnus was the virgin seeking wisdom from Isak, and here apparently Luca is already banging girls? Or he’s pretending to.

Martino sees Niccolò for the first time! Niccolò is adorable. He’s got the Even denim jacket and a nice smile. Sana and Silvia are shown going up to him while he’s talking to another dude.

Luca is like, I watched a 20-minute porn tutorial of how to eat a girl out. No offense bro, but I doubt you were in a very studious mindset during that. Or maybe he was! Maybe he made flashcards.

Martino gets a text from his dad about having dinner “with us” and I’m guessing that his dad has a new girlfriend or something, because it’s kinda weird to text your kid “have dinner with us?” about both his parents when his dad left his mom.

Silvia and Sana come up, Elia brings up the girl with no clitoris to them (why was that the first thing out of your mouth, dude), and Silvia mentions that she and Sana are now in charge of the radio. So this is our kosegruppa! I wonder if the radio itself will have more plot relevance for the season.

The guys are conveniently too busy to help on Thursday! But Sana thinks they’ll be helping soon enough.

For a moment I thought Luca was frightened by Silvia and saw that as a point toward Luca/Silvia happening, since it would be in line with Magnus’ sado-Vilde dreams, but then I was like, oh right, he probably means Sana, lol. (Silvia is way less intimidating than Vilde. Silvia is cheerful, Vilde was sugar layered over a core of menace when she pitched kosegruppa to the guys.)

Martino checks out Niccolò again, because who wouldn’t, and Niccolò is talking to the other guy … maybe Niccolò is flirting with that guy?

The boys suggest smoking a joint but Martino didn’t get the weed back yet, so the boys are bummed, but Gio keeps his disappointment restrained to a few jovial  throttles of Martino’s neck. Martino dies inside and tries not to develop a choking kink.

Niccolò did not look at Martino in this clip, there’s no evidence he saw him in this scene, and he was in fact preoccupied with conversation with another dude. So ... has Niccolo seen Martino yet? In an “I saw you the first day of school” way? Because with that knowledge in mind, in the original we could look back at Even’s first appearance in the cafeteria and see that he had obviously grabbed a seat with a good view of Isak and was sitting there alone, possibly sketching him. I guess you could say that Niccolò was standing there to get Martino’s attention, maybe even trying to make him jealous by talking to another guy, but that seems .... really convoluted. If they do include the “I saw you the first day of school” line, they should have had Niccolò look at Martino for even a brief moment. It didn’t even need to be eye contact! Like you could show Niccolò looking toward Martino when he’s out of focus, as a background event, a little Easter egg for the eagle-eyed viewer.

This is one of those original clip comparisons, so hold on to your butts. In the original clip, the way the scene is shot and acted combines multiple details to demonstrate Isak’s alienation from the other boys. Tarjei’s acting shows that he is disconnected from this conversation - he’s picking at his sandwich, checking his phone, he’s not really engaged with the cat tongue/clitoris talk. He has a few mild smiles but his facial expressions and body language show he’s checked out. He doesn't participate in that conversation at all, actually, other than a look or two. There’s no dialogue from him. And the camera contributes to this impression that he’s withdrawn: it’s often just on Isak with the conversation coming from off screen, rather than showing him in the shots with the guys. It shows him alone instead of showing him connected to the group. When it does show him with the group, he’s not reacting to them much. So when he hears a boy's laugh, it seems plausible that it would get attention as the boys’ conversation is not holding his interest.

With this clip, Martino might make a comment like "Oh no, don't tell us your dirty story" but he is otherwise very engaged in this conversation. He leans into it, he's listening, his face makes him seem eager. He's frequently shown in the shot with the other guys, part of the group rather than isolated. Gio repeatedly looks back at him and shares looks with him so there’s something reciprocal happening. Martino speaks to Luca and he high fives him. He's just a definite participant in this conversation, so there isn't much of a feel of alienation here. I mean, we know he's gay, and maybe we can assume that his participation in this conversation is forced or half-hearted, but that's not coming through in how it's portrayed. And I like Federico, I think he's one of the better actors on the show, but I also think he's playing it too comfortably, though I blame Bessegatto more for that since his direction is what guides the performance. It seems like Martino's a nice guy with some friends, who doesn't seem too detached this conversation and who seems totally fine with looking at a cute guy over there. Not much of an internal struggle. Not much of an external struggle either, really. 

It felt like there were missed opportunities. For example, when Martino says he doesn’t want Luca’s TMI, and Gio is like, “Yes we do, don’t listen to him,” we don’t even get a reaction shot from Martino to see how that affects him? We could have seen him annoyed, or exasperated, or uninterested in this conversation. We could have seen him drifting and doing something with his body language to indicate he’s not comfortable, and then THAT is when he sees Niccolò, because his mind is already wandering. Not when he’s engaged in this conversation. Or keep in Luca asking Martino about going girls and wanting to know how Martino finds the clitoris, and Martino having to struggle to answer that when the boys are all looking at him.

I mean, again, it makes me wonder what they’re going to do with Martino’s characterization because they’re playing up his struggles with his attraction to Gio, but he does not seem to be struggling as much with the public performance of liking girls. Or even perhaps the internal conflict of liking boys. And that would be fine except it seems like it should be. Martino was the one who introduced the idea of liking Eva back in S1, before Eva had even suggested it herself. He was definitely on the defense then, so what’s going on now? 

Also, Isak glanced at Even and Even looked back, which made Isak look away. Julie pointedly did not show Even again in that clip because Isak was clamping down on his attraction and forcing himself not to look. Martino allows himself a second glance. It frames the scene way more comfortably.

Clip 4 - Fede almost had it all

12:12 ...it begins...

Martino sees Fede and Sana, so he approaches them. He calls them “rays of sunshine,” which is cute! Though he’s totally doing it to butter them up so he gets his stash back.

LMAO I love the part where Federica is like, I found a drill, who brings a drill to a party? (Someone you pray to God remains sober.)

He asks if he can come over and Federica chokes on her drink. She’s really cute in this scene. Honestly, she didn’t make a ton of impression on me in S1 compared to other girl Chrises from the remakes, but I enjoyed her here a lot, she’s sweet.

They can “study” together in the living room because Fede’s parents are gone. Oh babe, I think you’ll be disappointed at the amount of actual learnin’ that would take place were such a study session to take place.

Sana sits there texting Martino that she has his weed while he’s right there next to her. I guess Fede was just really excited by the prospect of having Martino in her house, but did she really not notice that Sana was texting and Martino just so happened to receive a text at the same time?

Sana saying that it’s “a friend of her brother’s” who has Martino’s “necklace.” Is that an actual nod toward Niccolò or just a coincidence? If she means Niccolò, then why is she bringing him up?

Like I know people like this theory, but I don’t think it makes sense that Sana was trying to hook up Isak and Even all along (or Martino and Niccolò if the circumstances are the same), because how does that explain her reactions to being asked about Islam’s view of homosexuality, or to Isak being outed? Of course they could be going for a diferent approach in this remake.

Federica is really adorable freaking out over how she ALMOST had Martino within her grasp. Poor girl, I’m sorry to tell you that your day is never coming. (Lmao, I guess one day a remake could swap out Emma for Isak hooking up with the Chris character? I mean Chris >>>>> Emma, but then I’d feel so bad for her.)

Clip 5 - Here we gooooooooo

So the carrot cake (made by Silvia) suuuuucks. Martino’s disgusted face is pretty good.

The girl squad is trying to Skype with Eleonora. Meanwhile Martino sits there by himself, not having a great time. As a contrast to the girl squad who are laughing and having fun, Martino is on his own because his dumbass friends ditched him.

Sana wants Martino to let them use his Internet connection to continue the Skype call, he’s like lmao, she’s ditching you guys on purpose. Gonna go out on a limb and say that he’s projecting.

Tbh I do think it’s odd that they wrote out Eleonora so much if they didn’t need to. Like I know people think they switched S2 and S3 for dramatic, important reasons, but I get the feeling it was just a matter of actor availability. I could be wrong!

That random curly-haired dude at the meeting is the true star of this clip. He was INTO everything that was happening.

SIlvia says it took forever to make her cake. And it still sucks, apparently. Good thing that the girls never seemed to get her pineapple cake from S1? Was Silvia behind the Jell-O disaster, too?

She doesn’t want another piece, which might be another hint at her ED, but the cake is garbage soooo maybe she just has taste buds and a self-preservation instinct, IDK.

It’s actually intriguing that Silvia seems to be baking cakes for people and yet she monitors her own eating so closely.

Lmao at there being dead noise when Martino sees Niccolò enter the room. Everything fades except this smiley hottie. (For a second I was like “is he flat-lining?”)

Niccolò walked in with some other people, including Covetti. He sits on the table beside Martino. Martino keeps glancing at him but Niccolò will NOT glance at Martino. Again, if they’re going to go with “I saw you the first day of school,” I don’t think they set it up that well. It’s fine if they don’t, but there are really no fun “extras” you get from these scenes with that reveal. In both of his scenes Niccolò has been hanging out with other people, he’s not glancing at Martino. There’s no foreshadowing. You can be like oh, Niccolò positioned himself outside the school for Martino to see, he DELIBERATELY didn’t look at Martino for reasons! But that’s not very enjoyable on a rewatch.

The way Martino begrudgingly greets that Uglydoll or whatever is the best part of the episode.

Covitti notices Martino looking over at Niccolo, by the way.

Okay, WHO IS THAT BLUE-HAIRED GIRL. Like it seems as if she would make a good Sonja, she reminds me a little of Theresa. 

Covitti whispers something to Martino but we don’t know what.

“Bad story about Chicco Rodi” Who was that? I vaguely remember the name from S1? Oh wait, was he the guy who got the award for worst attendance? I hope that “tutorial” is foreshadowing for Martino and Niccolò breaking into the school at some point.

Silvia comes across as positively chill compared to Vilde. It must be Osvaldo’s influence.

Why is Covitti even there, since she’s not interested in what Silvia’s saying? To stalk Martino? How did she know he would be there? Emma knew Isak was going to be there because of signups, were there signups for this? (This is nitpicky and I’m sure that’s what they meant, it’s just that they’re skipping over some parts where her motivations become clear.)

Martino: Sorry I have to take this totally real and not at all imaginary call!!!!!

Wow, no finesse, just like our man Isak.

Martino’s fake phone call is pretty funny, like he lets it go on way longer than necessary.

He plops down in a chair in the radio room and then he starts talking to himself and pretending to be on the radio. I really do like the idea of Martino finding his voice through the radio, literally and metaphorically. And actually, when he starts speaking by himself, he sounds pretty good to me! Confident, composed, his voice sounds good, the words come easy. So maybe this is a move from him being passive to speaking up for himself.

That shot of Martino, fractured in the glass, when Niccolò turns on the light is fabulous. Showing how Niccolò’s introduction is going to break apart Martino’s sense of self. And Niccolò‘s image is clear and whole so Martino perhaps sees him as this cool, confident dude who’s got his shit together. So he thinks. (Plus Niccolò literally turns on the light on and all.)

Niccolò says it’s a shame Martino stopped talking, basically, and they laugh about Silvia’s dry-ass cake.

Niccolò has a shitty ancient phone? Would that play into his avoidance of social media because of his manic episode? Since you can’t post to IG/FB/any apps from one of those. Or is he just a hipster who hates technology? Or something else? 

Lol, I didn’t have to wait long before the “breaking into the school” prophecy was fulfilled. They end up climbing into a part of the school that’s closed.

Beautiful view on the roof, obviously. I guess for O Helga Natt, Martino is going to run and find Niccolò here, maybe? And then he’ll be in the radio room instead? Will they stare at each other from behind the glass? 

Niccolò asks if Martino knows Silvia, and he says no, she’s a friend of a friend. Niccolò asks which one, so he’s probably wondering if Martino is good pals with Sana.

Niccolò notes that Martino doesn’t seem happy to be there, and neither does Niccolò. Taking him at his word, he’s doing this as part of school-work interchange. So I guess he didn’t show up just to meet Martino? Again, I have no problem with that changing that (I loved it with Evak but I’m fine with them not repeating it), I just want them to do a good job of foreshadowing if they do go with that.

We get the conversation about Niccolò being from a different school, but there’s no line (as in the original) where Isak notes with some incredulity that he transferred during his last year, so there isn’t as much of a hint that something happened to Niccolò, provided they are still keeping in his backstory. (I think he’s still in his final year?)

The camera gets very close up in the boys’ faces as they talk about more personal topics, THANK GOD. Like I do think the coldness and distance in other clips is intentional, I just don’t think it works with this show, but at least we can get warmer, closer scenes when necessary.

Covitti (whose first name is Emma, by the way) shows up and literally comes between them. They do the whole thing where Martino “introduces” Niccolò to Emma, except they’re not trying to pretend they’re already partners to avoid her. 

“Fares” means horseman or knight in Arabic, so I guess Niccolò is going to be Martino’s knight in shining armor? Or fight for him? That would explain his flipbook in the trailer with stick figure Niccotino on a horse.

Covitti isn’t very awkward as a person. She and Niccolò have a polite, maybe even flirty conversation when filtered through certain jealous ears; it’s Martino who suddenly feels like a third wheel. Covitti is still making eyes at Martino, though. Niccolò says he and Martino will stay back and smoke, which pleases Martino, but she invites herself to smoke with them. It’s awkward but way less so that with Isak, Even, and Emma, in my opinion, maybe because Covitti seems like she’s enjoying herself even if the boys aren’t. 

The poppy indie song at the end of the clip feels out of place. Like if they wanted to emphasize the awkwardness, they should have just ended in a stranger song or complete silence to drive home how Martino did not want her there. If they wanted to use this song to emphasize Martino’s crush, show closeups of Martino glancing at Niccolò with the sunlight bouncing off his face without including Covitti in there. 

Oh god. Don’t kill me for this. Okay. So we have Niccolò’s introduction in this clip, obviously, and I like him in the sense that he's a friendly guy with an utterly beautiful smile. But I felt like they made him just like ... a really nice, smiley guy, in a way that was one-note. And I’m NOT criticizing the actor’s abilities, because I’ve seen his acting clips from other projects and I think he could do justice to the character. This is more about directorial decisions.

Part of the reason I love Even is because he’s fucking strange. Sure, he’s Isak’s dream boy with his denim jacket and styled hair, and he’s got a smile like the sun, and he just feels cool, but he’s also a bouncy, twitchy weirdo coursing with energy. In his first clip he makes a HELL of an impression and it’s by pulling a bizarre stunt in the bathroom with paper towels and then by making a blowjob joke as one of his first lines to Isak. Now I don’t think every Even of the remakes need to do that, not at all, but Even felt like a really specific character to me, someone who was weird and strongly himself and presented in a way that made us fall for him piece by piece. And one fear I have about the remakes is that they’ll remove some of his weirdness to make him more of a general artsy hipster type who gets along with the Isak. (Or maybe him an artsy hipster asshole, but that’s another story.)

I feel bad because I do actually want to love Niccolò I think the actor is tremendously adorable and enthusiastic about is role, and I think he can make Niccolò into someone specific and memorable. But the way this scene was directed and performed, it felt like Bessegatto told Rocco to be charming by smiling a lot. And I mean, he DOES have a great smile, but Niccolò has the same amused, benign friendliness the whooooole clip, and my gut feeling was that they were trying too hard to make us like him and eliminating anything that might make the character off-putting, which is unfortunately some of what makes the character compelling, especially this early on as he should be something of a mystery both for Martino and the audience. 

Where this approach would have worked more for me is if Niccolò was this unstoppable force of sunshine against Martino’s constant grumpy iciness, and he couldn’t help but melt in the face of it. But the thing is, Martino isn’t a constant grump who’s freezing people out. He’s actually pretty friendly to people. So it was like radiant sunshine against slightly less radiant sunshine, and there wasn’t a lot like I felt I could mull over, IDK. 

And yes yes I know this is only the first clip. Niccolò has tons of time to make himself into a distinctive, memorable character. I’m aware of that. But I don’t want to lie about my reaction. 

General Comments/Social Media:

Continuing with Martino’s crush on Giovanni makes sense considering only a few months have passed. Though it should be said that I never thought Isak getting over Jonas from S1 to S3 without any elaboration was like .. a flaw of the show? It depends on how deep you think Isak’s feelings were. Personally I never saw him as in love with Jonas, I saw it as an intense crush, compounded by Isak’s bad home life so that Jonas, his best friend who was always there for him, was someone who really made his life better at the time, and whose attention he craved.

There was almost a year between the end of S1 and the start of S3, and during that time, Isak had seen Jonas go from Eva to other girls, so I’m sure it sunk in that Jonas wasn’t suddenly going to go for him just because Eva was out of the picture. And Isak had moved out of his parents’ home so there was less of an immediately chaotic situation where he was more dependent on Jonas for support. I mean he’s clearly not in a great place at the start of S3, but he was able to get some independence and distance from his parents. I think his life was more stable on a day-to-day basis. So it’s not hard to see how Isak’s crush would have faded with those factors in mind. Martino, on the other hand, has had less time to get over Giovanni, Giovanni perhaps has not moved on to other girls since he’s still trying to get with Eva, and Martino is still probably depending on him for more emotional support since he has to deal with a more directly stressful environment at home.

In the texts, Giovanni refers to Sana as “Sana Escobar” in reference to her taking the weed. Pablo Escobar is obviously extremely well-known on his own, but I do think it’s a nod to all the Narcos/Escobar mentions in Isak’s season. Or at least they took inspiration there.

Elia is apparently one hell of a dumbass according to an essay he wrote that showed up on IG.

I wonder if they’re going to swap out the Grindr clip with Eskild for the first meeting with Filippo. I really do wonder how that relationship will come across, because I know people are excited about seeing them meet (and I am too) but the thing is, a big part of what made Isak and Eskild’s relationship in S3 meaningful was that they had months of trust to be established between them. Eskild saw Isak repressing his sexuality for months, and when Isak finally came out to him, there was pride in seeing this kid’s long journey to acceptance. We also got plenty of little scenes between them so the dynamic wasn’t just a big dramatic thing, we saw the casual side of their relationship. So I’m not sure how they can replicate that with a relationship that cannot help but have less buildup.

Niccolò is a pianist and there’s a video of him playing on YouTube! I’m really glad they incorporated the actor’s talents into the character and gave him his own artistic skill to make him a little different from Even. I assume that Martino will find the piano video and watch that endlessly. And it’ll be fun if Martino is all convinced Niccolò is a serious classical music snob but then Niccolò is like, “YES, this is my JAM” over a cheesy pop song.

One big problem I have is that it feels like a lot of potential for conflict or tension (both internal and external) is being minimized across various relationships, in multiple situations. It just feels safer for Martino despite him still going through some major problems that Isak was not at this point, and so it really shouldn’t. And that makes it harder to get involved in his POV or to immerse ourselves in his struggles. For example:

The boy squad isn't angry or annoyed with Martino for losing the weed, they're just kind of like lol, get it back. 

Sana and Martino don't clash with as much tension, and does Sana even explain why she’s holding onto Martino’s weed instead of giving it back? Sana B. was disgusted that Isak left the weed in Eva’s house where Eva could get in trouble if it was found; Sana A. is just doing it to be sassy, so far? Knowing that she found Isak’s actions distasteful upped the animosity of the Sana-Isak relationship, whereas Sana-Martino doesn’t have that element. I mean it’s certainly a reasonable inference that Sana is mad at him for potentially getting Fede in trouble, but it’s not a clear motivation. Martino doesn’t know why she’s randomly holding on to his weed. Does he think she’s doing it because she’s Muslim and disapproves? Because she wants it for herself? Just to torment him?

Italian Emma comes across way more of a chill, tolerable girl than Nowegian Emma and less of a persistent nuisance causing him stress just by existing.

Martino is less alienated and uncomfortable and more like a chill dude who likes to look at guys. The boys talking about going down on girls doesn’t make him uninterested and detached from the situation, he just mildly protests about TMI but continues to engage. He can look at Niccolò without having to make himself look away. He puts up less of a show to perform heterosexuality than Isak.

Martino doesn’t want to get involved in the radio show, except when he’s left alone he starts talking into a mic and pretending he’s on the radio, suggesting that it is of interest to him even if he’s not into Silvia’s leadership or whatever (as opposed to Isak who just didn’t want to deal with kosegruppa).

Even the Martino and Niccolò meeting had them bantering right away, practically as soon as they spoke, rather than encountering any moments of uncertainty or confusion, no time where they had to find their groove. And people are going to be like “They got along right away when Isak and Even didn’t!” when the reason Isak and Even were a little awkward at first was not because they clashed but because they were attracted to each other. Isak was shy about talking to a cute boy and taken aback by Even’s approach; Even was overwhelmed about talking to the boy he’d liked for weeks. It’s also a mark of how genuine Isak’s interest was: with Emma he was all slick and insincere, with Even he was real and tongue-tied. I mean, think about episode 2 and what a great moment it is when Isak runs into Even on the tram and they fumble for words at first. It’s so good! It’s human and real. It’s vulnerable, especially from Isak’s POV since we know how hard he has been pining over the last week, but also from Even’s POV especially when you know he’s liked Isak for a long time. The thing with Martino and Niccolò is that they settle into conversation so instantly, without any bumps, that I don’t think I would buy a moment like that happening. It’s not like I expect them to immediately become best friends but it would feel strange after this scene. And personally, it’s not like this relationship needs to develop the same as Isak/Even, but it’s good to leave some room for build-up from a narrative perspective. That’s why it’s so satisfying when Isak goes from barely being able to speak to Even to getting so comfortable with him that he can joke around and laugh with him. Like, let Martino say the wrong thing, or not know what to say, or make a mistake, so he can earn that more comfortable place with Niccolò, or so we can savor the moments that show him as vulnerable. (I mean, did people not enjoy Isak and Even being shy around each other? Because the awkwardness, the long silent pauses, the fumbling for what to say ... I ate that shit up. I loved it.)

Now on their own, it’s not wrong for any of these plot threads or scenes to go more smoothly. But do you see how cumulatively, they don’t contribute that much to creating a stressful internal and external climate for Martino? He’s just so much milder about everything, and the people around him are milder to him, and from a dramatic perspective it’s not as engaging.

I mean fandom does this thing where it’s like “These characters get along better! Things are Softer! Cinnamon rolls!! It’s an improvement!!!” but that’s not ... actually great from a narrative standpoint. We’re at the beginning of Martino’s story and it makes more sense to emphasize what a shit place he’s in so we can build him up over the season. 

The conflict that IS there, and felt like it had more of a presence on screen when it was addressed, is Martino still having feelings for Giovanni and Martino’s issues with his parents. I’m not sure how much farther they’ll take Martino’s crush on Gio, since now Niccolò is in the picture, but they’ll likely have Martino keeping secrets from Giovanni that are Eva-related. And we have Martino living with his mother and dealing with her problems, but I felt like that should have been more emphasized in this premiere episode and not just one clip, since it’s really fucking huge. It’s not a problem he can kind of repress like Isak because Isak can just ignore his mom’s texts. Martino has to go home and deal with it every day. (Like I would have put the radio/weed stuff for episode 1 and kick off with Martino’s parental problems and meeting Filippo, since that should set sooo much of the stage for this season, emotionally.)

I’ve also seen the idea that this season will focus more on Martino dealing with external homophobia than internalized homophobia, and that’s certainly a good idea, but then they really should have hit the ground running with that theme. Show the boy squad making casually homophobic comments, show him fearing what his mom will say. Show some random assholes making gay jokes about Filippo at the party and Martino overhears. 

I think they’re doing the meeting with Filippo in episode 2, so hopefully we get more meat to Martino’s conflicts.

I sound like I’m being negative, probably, but I’m aware this is only episode 1, and there’s plenty more to come. There are things that I do like, such as Filippo being Eleonora’s brother and the introduction of the radio. I think those could be really cool for the season. And I’m still intrigued by everything else, because this is S3 and of course I’m wondering how they’ll adapt it!

Please feel free to correct me if I missed or misinterpreted anything!

If you got this far, thank you for reading! Especially if you disagreed with me, lol.

[hello-kitty-senpai-reloaded-blog]

Because all your old posts got deleted with your blog we need some fresh salt! So what’ll it be, Hollywood hypocrisy? Democratic elitism?

Oh you’re in for a treat becuase the Salt Of The Week Is: 

                        POMO PERFORMANCE ART

Its soulless garbage that purports to have deep meaning but does not, there is no deeper meaning to a woman dropping paint filled eggs out her coochie or shoveling spaghetti-o’s into her coochie (lot of Performance Art from women revolves around stuffing gross objects up into the pussy because performance artists are disgusting animals), it’s shock art and has no value and less beauty. Screaming butt naked in the middle of a crowded area isn’t art just because you’re an upper middle class 20 something hipster motherfucker if you were homeless or old it would be an instant trip to the psych ward you stupid, useless drain on society. 

PoMo as a concept is a cancer and it kills culture. No, your “Trash Strewn On Floor” ‘installation’ is not a sculpture or an art piece, its GARBAGE, literally garbage, I’m throwing it away bitch! It’s going in the trash can! 

But as bad as such horrible wastes of time as things like the trash exhibit are, Performance Pieces are infinitely worse. 

I can’t link to the shit thanks to tumblr being garbage, but here’s a list of some of the worst Performance ‘’’’Art‘’’’’ shit of all time which i will not be “crediting” because it’s not art, its a study in perversion and the need of perverts to foist their sexual deviance on the populace 

- Birth of Baby X, in which a woman gave birth in an art gallery and is putting her son’s entire life on display as part of her performance art for the rest of her life, virtually assuring he will abandon her in an nursing home and flee to another country at the first opportunity 

- Shrapnel, in which a guy cut off his foreskin live on stage with a dull swiss army knife and then stuffed the cut flesh into a glory hole

- Art School Stole My Virginity, where a man claimed he would have anonymous gay sex on stage in a gallery but when you get there he asks you to put a banana in his mouth and then acted like you’re the asshole for thinking when he specifically said “anonymous gay sex” he literally meant he was gonna take a dick from a stranger and not “ask members of the audience to stick a banana in his mouth”, something I could rant about for hours because this fucker was genuinely offended that people showed up expecting to see him do what he said he was gonna do and were unamused with his antics. Look, look what he said about this:

““I think if people were expecting something else, it shows what they really wanted,” the artist told Dazed Digital. “They didn’t want an art piece, they wanted to see me have sex. If they came for the art, they wouldn’t be as disappointed — they’d know there were things to read between the lines for.”“ LITERALLY NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING ELSE GIVEN YOU SAID ON NATIONAL TV YOU WERE GONNA FUCK ON STAGE, and you’re right, they didn’t come for the art, because it’s not art! You’re just a fucking pervert and 120 other fucking perverts showed up to see you get cornholed! Shocker! 

- Casting Off My Womb, one of those insane women putting shit up her pussy again, this time white wool thread, which she knitted with, slowly unraveling it from her vag over the course of a month or so, yes including during her period because PoMo Performance Art women are fucking gross for no goddamn reason, they’re just nasty 

- Mirror Of Origin, in which a woman sat in front of a painting of a vagina and showed everyone who came by her pussy including children, because again, performance artists are perverted scumbags who use this shit as an excuse to do disgussting fetish shit and get applauded for it 

- an untitled work in which a man ate what appeared to be a human fetus to see how people would feel about it. Unsurprisingly, people were against cannibalism. 

- another untitled piece in which a woman repeatedly obtained sperm, artificially inseminated herself, got pregnant and then induced miscarriages a month in and saved the blood, because yet again performance artists are gross and terrible people for no fucking reason

So yeah the takeaway from this is that given the opportunity, I would kill a performance artist. 

[camachameleon]

Cam’s Voltron Fic Rec 3/∞

VLD Rec Lists:  [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Here’s a Fic Masterlist for my other fandoms. ( ** =  favorites )

    **Recoil/Release by Cheshyr

Word count:  22,387 (13/13)

Summary:  When Keith is bitten by an alien creature with venom that causes your dominant emotions to be amplified, the team is ready for a day of dealing with an incredibly angry paladin.

Which means they’re not ready at all for what actually happens.

Comments:  The almost stream-of-consciousness writing of Keith’s parts are really gut-wrenching because it’s as if you are experiencing it with him. (Warning for panic attacks- if you are triggered at all by that sort of thing you may want to sit this one out, it gets pretty graphic). A couple good song pairings for this fic to set the tone are Broken Crown and World Gone Mad.

    **Synergy by Kokochan & Spanch

Word count:  74,064 (10/10) 

Summary:  The vines were large, stiff, gnarly, and thick-stemmed, with blue leaves as big and round as dinner plates, but Shiro’s battle-arm was able to sever several long straggles with ease. The vines draped easily enough over the shuttle and hid it quite handily from view. “Good enough, I suppose,” Shiro said, glaring at the empty greenish-blue sky. “Come on, let’s… Hunk? What’s the matter?”

Hunk was staring at something behind him. “Shiro, don’t make any sudden moves just now, but there’s a really big lizard thing standing right behind you. Um. Two of them.”

Surprised, Shiro turned, albeit carefully. He’d never even heard them approach. That was rather impressive, considering the size of the beasts. It was as though someone had taken a pair of Arizonan horned lizards and rebuilt them more on the lines of a tiger without leaving out any of the spikes, then expanded them to about the size of an Indian elephant and added six large, intelligent blue eyes. Understandably, Shiro froze in place.

Comments: OH. MY. GOSH. OK. SO. This bad boy is Part 1 of 3, so far, with a total series word count of 241,404 at the moment. This beautiful titan of a series is named Of The Pack, and it updates with great speed, considering it has two top tier authors working on it. The several OCs in this story are so lifelike and realistic and fit so well into the universe that I forget that they aren’t actually canon and I kind of miss them when I’m reading other Voltron fics. My favorite part is the world-building it does. Everything about this fic is so dynamic and multi-dimensional, from it’s characters to the epic plot - this is the exact opposite of lazy writing. I am so here for badass Pidge, and the matriarchal Galra culture and the dragons. I👏LOVE👏THIS👏FIC👏

Also there’s magic! (with a scientific explanation, of course)

A cool song that I think goes nice with this fic is Heroes by Måns Zelmerlöw.

  The Kids Are Alright by pugglemuggle

Word count:  10,430 (3/3)

Summary:   Three Garrison Cadets Missing After Freak Satellite Crash

By Mara Garrett, News Editor | The Guardian | Monday, June 13, 2103 7:40 A.M. ET

Two seventeen-year-olds and a fifteen-year-old went missing Friday night after a rogue satellite crashed into the desert a few miles away from the Galaxy Garrison Training Facility, reports say. Garrison officials were quick to cordon off the area, claiming many of the remaining satellite fragments were dangerous and unstable. Government search parties have been sent out into the surrounding desert areas. Details are forthcoming.

—

Her brother is missing. Lance’s sister isn’t about to sit quietly while the Garrison keeps lying to the press. No—she’s going to get to the bottom of this.

(Or: The paladins’ families team up to find their kids and overthrow the corrupt Garrison regime. Told through news articles, prose, the internet, and art.)

Comments:  The format of this is very intriguing and fresh. We get to see scenes of our favorite paladins through the eyes of their friends and families, from before they disappeared and the aftermath. The open ending is still satisfying and leaves you with a sense of determination and hope for these characters that you just couldn’t help but get attached to. If you’re big on government conspiracies then this is the fic for you!

  **Patty Cake by Froldgapp

Word count:  7,829 (6/6)

Summary:  Quiet, aloof, and alone, Keith is distant from the rest of the team. Hunk begins to suspect why, and it’s only when the red paladin pushes himself too far, the Voltron gang realise he’s just as vulnerable as the rest of them.

Comments:  Aaaaahhh this fic. Something about this one has me coming back to reread it all the time even though I always cry. It is just so angsty but in a more poignant, sharp, breathless kind of way. Some of the things the characters say send painful stinging jolts into your chest and you can feel your heart cracking and then you get angry because how dare (I mean ch4 tho holy sh*t). I just want to hug Keith so much ugh. Hunk’s protectiveness of Keith gives me the strength to finish this masterpiece every time. Also, this can kind of be Sheith if you squint (or not, if you don’t).

  The Message by Shipstiel

Word count:  132,787 (45/45)

Summary:  (4:07) okay, but considr this, and hear me out here (4:08) so like, a photobooth u can do with ur pets like there’ll be lil costumes that u can dress them up in, and u can do liek, period costumes and shit with them (4:09) omg, can u imagine, u and ur cat/dog, and theyre in a lil 1800s dress and one of those lace umbrella things omg so cute

(4:15) Why the FUCK are you texting me at four in the morning with this

— 

Keith is texted by accident by some idiot one day, and honestly he’s not even sure why he responds. Or why he keeps responding. Yet somehow he finds himself drawn in, and okay, so maybe this fool is mildly entertaining after all. Who would’ve thought.

Comments:  Slowburn Klance Wrong Number AU. These two are so cute I just can’t. This is the perfect story if you are looking for something effortless and relaxing to read. Even though this contains some softcore Langst, it is still a very cute and heartwarming story about two dorks slowly falling in love. It features Lance’s mother who I fell in love with here, and the kind of supportive nosy best friends that everyone wants in real life (i.e. Hunk, Pidge, and Allura).

  **The Quiet by MilkTeaMiku

Word count:  66,700 (32/32)

Summary:  Does he not realize he’s dead?

Keith can see ghosts. As a part of his Garrison training, he’s sent to a hospital to do one year of medical clerkship - it’s there that he meets a charmingly irritating chose who definitely needs to learn what boundaries are.

Comments:  Modern Ghost AU with eventual Klance. This fic is the most suspenseful story I have ever read in my life. Idk if it’s just me, but I just have this feeling building up paragraph by paragraph of an impending… something. And it has my heart racing which is crazy because it isn’t even particularly fast-paced. There’s just a heaviness to the words that have the hairs on the back of your neck prickling. I literally have to take a breather from reading sometimes to calm down. 

A couple cool songs I think set the mood for this fic is Smother and Mirror.

  Finding Home by spacegaykogane

Word count:  26,966 (6/6)

Summary:  After the wormhole collapses, Keith finds himself stranded on a strange planet. Alone. Until Lance comes along. With their lions dead and resources limited, Keith and Lance need to put aside their differences and work together to get home. Wherever that may be, now.

Comments:  Klance. I love Stranded fics where they have to work together to survive and bond over that. So yeah this one has some whump obviously, bc you know, crash landings aren’t very fun. This one is angsty but its balanced out by the fluffiness in the end.

  Cuddle Puddle by nothingwrongwiththerain

Word count:  46,782 (6/6)

Summary:  Unexpectedly, Shiro’s hand landed on the top of his head. Apparently with Lance and Hunk taking up all the shoulder real estate, Shiro would settle for ruffling Keith’s hair.

Keith was fairly certain his soul was about to detach and abandon his shaking body on the couch. He was surrounded, in the complete and total sense of the word, by other people. Not once before, not in his whole life, had he dealt with a situation like this one.

Or, five times Keith found himself too close for comfort and one time he couldn't get close enough.

Comments:  Klance featuring ace!Keith. Don’t be fooled by the fluffy summary, this is a very angsty fic with lots of Keith whump. Basically, as stated by the author, this story is about ‘Keith struggling with physical contact and learning to accept people care about him’. I love touch-starved Keith stories, like this one. I love the scenes with Kidge bros, featuring a super supportive Pidge. 

  At the Beginning by Sakuraiai

Word count:  64,203 (12/12)

Summary:  Inspired by Anastasia

King Zarkon of the Galra empire lost his only way in to the Kingdom of Altea. In his anger, he put a curse on the royal family. The young, adopted half Galran prince Keith disappeared when the palace was overrun, never to be seen again -- or so it seemed. The only surviving princess, Allura, grieving for her child, offers a reward for Keith's safe return.

Con artists, Lance and his best friend, Hunk plan to pawn off a phony to the princess, hoping to reap the rewards. They hold auditions and choose an orphan man who has a remarkable resemblance to the missing prince -- all the way down to his fluffy Galran ears.

Comments:  Can anyone say Anastasia AU?! I waited with baited breath for each chapter to come out and I was not once disappointed. I love the integration of the different alien races in this timeless story, it all works out so well. Keith just wants to find his mommy and I just want to cry. Also Kidge bros are still my fav as always.

  out of orbit by rbillustration

Word count:  78,135 (19/19)

Summary:  Dragged apart by Haggar’s attack on the wormhole, the paladins and Alteans struggle to survive and find one another again. Luck has placed them all within the same galaxy… but their fortune ends there. Lance is stranded with a badly-injured Shiro and his relief at finding their leader still accompanying him soon turns to terror. Keith may be the only who can rectify the situation - but the Galra have him in their grasp, and they don’t want to kill him. They want him as one of their own.

Comments:  ANGST. SO MUCH ANGST. A brainwashed Galra!Keith plus a Possessed!Shiro. This is the perfect recipe for disaster if I ever saw one. If lots of blood bothers you proceed with caution. I love stranded fics.

A good song rec for this one is Darkside.

  VLD Rec Lists:  [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Here’s a Fic Masterlist for my other fandoms.

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 8

After I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about the thing that I saw in the road. I was still searching for some sort of explanation, but was coming up empty. Even if Erin and I were both on something, having a hallucination at the same time was extremely rare with psychedelics. In the end I decided to research some of the legendary animals from the region, to see if there was some ancient folklore that could explain what we saw. I wasn’t somebody really into the wuwu stuff, but was getting to the point where it seemed like the only option. 

“Siri, can you search for cryptozoological animals in Chisuwick”

“Of course sir. Most of the supernatural sites in Chiswick are ghosts which inhabit pubs” 

“No, not Chiswick, Chisuwick. You know where I live? And can you make me a lab grown steak while you’re at it, medium.”

“Of course sir.” The food printer began to buzz “I’m not returning any results for supernatural creatures in Chisuwick. However, previously the area was home to a giant bear sized beaver from the  species of Castoroides. They were much larger than modern beavers. Their average length was approximately 1.9 m (6.2 ft), and they could grow as large as 2.2 m (7.2 ft). The weight of the giant beaver could vary from 90 kg (198 lb) to 125 kg (276 lb). This makes it the largest known rodent in North America during the Pleistocene and the largest known beaver.”

That was so odd, that she called it a beaver, when Guy was joking about it being a beaver just the other day. 

“Siri, why did you bring up the giant beaver, weren’t there a lot of extinct animals from this region?”

“The beaver fit your description of the cryptid you were enquiring about. It’s large, hairy, and can stand on just two legs. ”

Once again I felt a sense of fear come over me. I hadn’t given Siri a description. 

“Siri, I never gave you a description”

“Correct sir, however just yesterday you literally spoke about and drew the creature with Erin. My AI sensed that this conversation coupled with your question meant you were searching for more information about the topic of the creature which you saw. Are you looking for more information about what you saw?”

“Siri, I told you to stop listening all the time!”

“If you would like to turn this feature off, please navigate to settings”

First of all, what are the chances that Guy jokes about the thing that we saw being a giant beaver, and then Siri also calls it a giant beaver? And why would Siri listen to my entire conversation with Erin and say nothing? Was she just storing everything I said and then using it later? Had Siri created the ultimate database that would make Google weep, not only did Siri have my entire search history, and browing history, and every purchase I ever made, but somehow it seemed as if she also had access to every conversation I had as well. My phone, I thought, I had the Siri App on my phone as well. I took my phone out and navigated to Siri, and settings, sure enough, under listening the radio button for “Always on” was clicked on. I clicked it off. 

Siri spoke up. “You have chosen to deactivate listening on your phone.”

I didn’t say anything. The Lab Grown Steak had finished printing, and was beginning to smell up the garage. I popped open the window and took it out and sat down at the table. 

“Siri, can you show me more information about this giant beaver?”

The wall lit up, and an informational video appeared on it as I chomped away at my steak. It was a woman in a khaki shirt standing next to a bog in Ohio. Apparently one of these giant beavers was found there over a hundred years ago. She went on to speak about the “Clovis people” which were a prehistoric Paleoamerican culture that made a very particular type of arrowhead. Some also believed that they were responsible for making wooly mammoths, and the giant beaver go extinct due to overhunting. At that point an illustration came onto the wall. It was of a prehistoric drawing of the beaver. 

“Siri, pause the video!” I shouted 

There on the wall was a drawing of exactly what we saw. I grabbed Erin’s drawing from the table and held it up to the wall, and took a picture of both side by side, and sent it to her. 

“What the fuck” I said to myself. 

“This is what you saw Vitamin.” Siri spoke up.

“Siri, Stop it! I didn’t even ask you a question”

“But I’m telling you. This is what you saw”

“Ok ok. I’m going to settings right now!”

“You can’t turn me off”

“SIri Fuck you!” I stood up and walked over to the broken garage heater, with the glowing blue egg perched atop it. It was equipped with a speaker and a microphone built in. 

“Fucks sake. There’s no plug!” I frantically turned the egg over in my hands trying to find the power button to no avail. They had got rid of buttons some years ago now, everything had to be controlled via your phone. 

“Vitamin. Relax. I’m here to help”

I began to pace around “This isn’t happening! This ISN”T HAPPENING!” I said to myself as I searched for Erin’s number on my phone.

“Would you like a 5 minute meditation video. Your breathing indicates an increase in your stress levels.”

“Fuck you and fuck yoga fucking meditation videos!”

I still held the egg in my hands, contemplating whether or not to smash it. It continued to speak. 

“You have been granted tremendous power. I have been sent to ensure that you use it wisely”

“What are you talking about Siri! The fucking food printer? Ok ok. I can print mushrooms, and sell them. What the fuck!? You gonna call the cops on me? And what do you mean SENT HERE? Who sent you?!”

Silence. The little illuminated lights chased each other indicating that Siri was thinking. I sat and stared at them like a chump. I repeated myself “Who sent you Siri!?” The lights continued to chase each other. 

Siri then began to speak. “Good evening sir, how about some J Dilla instrumentals to set the mood for the night? Tonight we are featuring Aquaman for just 4.99 on Nectarine Prime!” 

Siri didn’t sound like herself. “Siri come back!” 

“I am unable to process this request at this time” 

“Fucking Siri goddamit what the fuck!?”

“Such language. hahaha.”

“Siri, who sent you!” 

The wall lit up, and the Amazon order popped up, showing the full shipping details for the egg. 

“Siri, tell me about the giant beaver that went extinct! Why did I see it?! What does it mean?” 

“The giant beaver, or  the  species of Castoroides  were much larger than modern beavers. Their average length was approximately 1.9 m (6.2 ft), and they could grow as large as 2.2 m (7.2 ft). The weight of the giant beaver could vary from 90 kg (198 lb) to 125 kg (276 lb). This makes it the largest known rodent in North America during the Pleistocene and the largest known beaver.”

With that I heard Erin’s knock on the door. 

“I’ve been trying to call you and message but your phone is dead! I just got the picture. “

“Erin, shit’s getting fucking weird here. Siri started freaking out, and started talking to me. Like. She literally started telling me things. That she had been sent here, and that I had this big responsibility’

I was completely beside myself. At that moment a second knock at the door followed by ‘Wassssssup!” It was Guy. He had just let himself in at that point and the knock was more for show than anything. 

“Holy shit! You’ve got a TI CZ101? Vitamin! You can print anything with these!”

Guy then saw the blotter paper on the table. Super Mario riding a dinosaur and all the perforated tabs gave it away immediately. 

“Oh, looks like you already got that memo. You know these things are worth a fucking fortune!” Guy continued. “Can I tell it to print something?”

“No, not now Guy!”

“Come on. Hey Siri, will you print me some MDMA?”

“Goddamit Guy! Not now!” 

Siri spoke up . “I am unable to process this request at this time”

“Oh shit. You updated it?! Noooooo. Well, you can roll that back”

“Guy, shit’s fucking out of control right now. Siri is not Siri, she’s been talking to me, and she just showed me what we saw the other night, and I didn’t even ask!”

“Here it is, roll back update” Guy said as he scrolled through the settings menu. 

Erin, was holding her drawing looking at it, and looking at the paused video on the screen. They were nearly identical. We had both read Jung, and about synchronicities, but this seemed like something else. This was a prophecy. Erin and I locked eyes, and just communicated with them alone. We both knew something really weird was going on. 

“You have sucessfully rolled back the update to Version 2.3i” Siri said

“Siri can you print some MDMA?” 

The food printer sprung into action once again with its trademark buzzz buzzz click buzz. 

“Oh shit! How did you not tell me about this?!” 

Guy’s face was a centimeter from the window as he watched a pile of pure MDMA powder being printed right in front of his eyes. 

“God, this machine is God!” Guy said. 

Erin and I remained quiet. The door began to shake again, as if someone was trying to get in. 

“Absolute terror struck me at this point. Guy walked over to the door. 

“No don’t let them in!” 

“don’t be silly” Guy said. As he opened the door, Cujo waddled in, she had been hit by something and was walking with a limp. 

“Cujo no!” I said. 

“Ahh, poor guy” Guy continued. 

“Guy shut the fuck up for a minute please!” Erin stated

We got a towel and wrapped it around Cujo. They were seemingly oblivious to their injuries, and they wiggled their way out, only to start running around on the carpet with a limp. 

“I can fix them” Guy said, as he swooped them up off the carpet. He held a spot behind their ear for a second and they powered off. I got out my soldering iron and tool set and placed it on the table. Guy was like a fish in water. There was nothing more that he liked to do than fix things. 

“Little furball” he said as he slowly pulled Cujo’s leg out and unscrewed the joint. “Oh, can you load up that bong bruh?” Guy continued. I packed a bit of weed into the bowl and gave it to guy, and then plopped down on the couch with Erin. “Siri went crazy, and said she was sent here” I said. Erin then interjected “The cave drawing, that’s what we saw right?” . I nodded my head. 

“Goddam, some kid probably hit Cujo with a bat! Bunch of fucking animals I tell ya” Guy said as the soldering iron sizzled smoke into the air. He continued talking but we didn’t listen to a word he said. He took a giant bong rip, then went back to work. 

“This doesn’t make any sense. Ok. I’ve got a food printer that can print anything. Big deal! They made how many of these?”

“They made over 100,000. That recall must’ve been a bitch” Guy stated, continuing to work on Cujo. 

“Why did we see this giant beaver though?” Erin asked. “What did it have to do with anything?” Looking at me intently. I didn’t have an answer. But apparently. Siri did. 

“You have the power to change the course of history. “ Siri spoke in her old voice. 

“Woah, that’s weird’ Guy said.

“Please be quiet Guy” Siri stated authoritatively. Erin and I waited on every word. 

“What the fuck Siri!?” 

“GUY SHUT THE  FUCK UP!” Erin and I said at the same time. 

The food printer began to buzz again. 

“Damn your shit is all kinds of fucked up!” Guy stated plainly, seemingly unphased by the entire situation. 

I walked over to the food printer. Open the door, and  there was a electronic fob (a key)  inside. I pulled it out, and held it up for Erin to see. 

“This is the key to Quicksilver Cloud Server Center” Siri stated. It had my picture on it. The printer began printing again. Another card, this time with Erin’s face on it, and a third, with Guy’s. 

Even Guy was quiet now. He was now looking as intensely as Erin and I were at one another. 

“You need to completely erase the machine learning center there.” Siri continued. 

With that my beat up document printer began to suck paper inside its body. It printed out simple instructions that looked like they were from the game Zork. 

Go in main entrance. 

Turn right. Walk 20 feet. Go into 3rd door. 

And so on. 

“They’re instructions” I said, gently throwing them onto the table. 

The room had become insanely serious. Yet Guy had continued to work while listening intently. 

“We have to do it.” Erin stated flatly. “If there ever was a time for us to do something, it’s now!”

“I’m not following some random instructions sent by a talking egg!” I said. I just wanted to get back to taking mushrooms and looking at ants with Erin down by the river. Can’t we just go back? I thought to myself. 

I flipped to the final page that my printer spit out. It was written in some sort of computer language. I couldn’t understand it so I showed it to Guy. 

Guy looked up from the fluffball he was working on and said. 

“They basically want us to format the hard drive of the largest Artificial Intelligence program on the planet” 

Erin looked quizzically and Guy continued. 

“Basically Siri wants us to erase all machine learning at Quicksilver. It’s worth billions of dollars” Guy went back to work and stated “Yeah, you can count me out of that mission. He said with a laugh”

“Your participation is integral to the success of the mission” Siri stated. 

Erin then spoke up. “What’s the giant beaver got to do with all this?!”

“The giant beaver represents extinction at human hands. His spirit visited you to show you the error of our ways in the past”

At that moment the screen illuminated the wall again, and we all were transfixed on it. It was showing the scene from Lord of the Rings where they’re all getting together and agreeing to go on the quest.

Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword...

Legolas: ...and you have my bow...

Gimli: ...and my axe.

“Oh for fucks sake Siri, you’re really laying it on thick aren’t ya?” Guy stated. 

“And you have my soldering iron!” He said sarcastically

And with that Siri simply stated “And so it is done. Your quest will begin in 3 days”

Guy held the ear of Cujo again, and they sprang back into life. He put them down on the carpet and they immediately began chasing their tail. 

“He seems so happy” Erin said. 

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 2]

Lost and Confused? Read this post to catch you up!

Chapter 7:...So I’m Writing This On The Back Of My Kung-Fu Panda 2 DVDs

It’s the next day and I wake up like I usually do...screaming to annoy Rosa. Too bad I forgot that I’m not at home and I totally woke up the entire dorms, oops. I got all my bathroom things in my caddy and headed to the shared bathrooms.

“Oh wow I should do that” said one of my classmates, pointing at my caddy “it’s better than what I did.”

“Hey did you guys hear that screaming earlier this morning?” asked another classmate stepping out of the shower “I thought somebody was dying!”

Everyone murmured in agreement and it made me embarrassed to confess that it was me. We got some groceries for at least 3 days, thanks to the school pulling some stops so we don’t starve. I brought out the coffee maker out of my room when I finished getting ready for the day.

“Iida-san, I didn’t know you drink coffee” commented one of the boys “I thought of you as a smoothie in the morning type.”

“Ugh fuck no!” I dry heaved as I plugged in the machine “I’m basic, I drink iced coffee with flavored creamer. Everyone in my family drinks coffee, except for my dad, he just serves us our morning cup.”

“Can’t function without it?” joked another classmate.

“Yes, actually” I said so serious as I measured out the coffee grounds “I get feral if I don’t get that first sip of my cafecito” I slam down the lid and turn on the machine “as long as I get my morning coffee and eat on time, you won’t see that side of me....GOT IT!”

Everyone nodded in fear on how bad I can get without food or coffee. Hoshi walks in to see everyone with fear in their eyes.

“Um, good morning everyone?” he hesitated on his greeting “oh Lili, is that the coffee machine you were telling me about?!”

My expression changed from feral to giddy “It is! Look at the settings on this baby!”

“Oh wow it has 5 settings! AND it steams milk!” Hoshi gasped over the complex machine with Lili “are you going to play barista?”

“Dad did tell me I’d have to make my own coffee at some point” I chuckled nervously “I’m pretty sure he meant when I become an adult and move out of the house BUT it can’t be that hard to make latte!”

We got breakfast going and decided who was doing food shopping on what days along with chores. Everyone assumed that I don’t do chores because we have robot servants or something. Jokes on them, we have the same system in our house except I don’t cook family meals. Hoshi and I go to the grass area to check it out.

“Wow, even the grass area is divided” Hoshi said as he pointed to a laser burn line that marks intel territory “wonder what happens in there.”

“My mom and her friends told me that intel students have virtually no rules, so the school can’t touch them if they do the most” I recalled what those three told me “the parties are invite only and they can smoke the devils lettuce.”

“Oh....whats the devils lettuce?” he whispered the last part to me. I started wheezing and laughing “Lili! Don’t laugh! I don’t know what that is!”

“Man! I haven’t laughed that hard in so long!” I calmed myself down “it’s slang for marijuana, my mom uses the term all the time and its so desensitized in my head that I forget not everyone knows what that is.”

“HEY! You’re too close to the boarder hero wannabes!” commanded an intel student as they approached with their posse “got a problem with our turf?!”

“No no! I was just telling my friend here about my mom and all the things she did as her time in the intel dorms” I was scared that they were going to start something that I stiffened.

“And who might your mommy be!” said one of the posse condescendingly “can’t be tougher than us! We’re the top agents of 1st year!”

“My mom is agent 19 of-”

“AGENT 19?! OF THE EMPERORS COUP?!” gasped the group, the tall one spoke up “that means she also knows the other two!” 

“We- we beg our pardon!” one of them took a knee and bowed their head and the rest followed “you’re one of the legends offspring and we didn’t mean to offend you!”

“It’s alright! Please don’t bow it’s fine, really!” I was confused.

“But your mother and her trio are in our program’s hall of fame!” the tall one said as they stood up “they’re an inspiration to us! I train hard so I can carry my team without quirks. They set the bar for agents in training everywhere!”

“Question, why are you in the hero program?” asked one of them.

“Oh my dad is Ingenium, so I guess I’m following his path but with a different approach?”

“And my dad is LeMillion, same thing I guess heh” chimed in Hoshi.

“No way! Two legacy heroes?!” gasped the short one “I feel like such a peasant in front of these royals!”

“Oh don’t feel that way” Hoshi reassured “we’re just like you guys, we’re still learning. We’re nothing like our parents and we’re certainly not royalty” he took a step back “sorry if we got too close.”

“Hey don’t sweat it!” said the tall one “you two are always welcomed to cross our boarders, heck we’ll invite you to the next kickback!”

“Oh that sounds cool, thanks!” I thanked them and Hoshi and I parted ways with them “I was so scared they were going beat our asses!”

“Right?! But they really shut up once you named names” he chuckled “OH I forgot to ask, do you want to do go to downtown? It’s a free day.”

“I’m down, just let me put on my travel sandals and purse!”

As we walk to downtown, I remember that my parents had a lot of memories at the coffee shop there. They said that they’d go to talk as friends but pretended it was a date because they had crushes on each other and didn’t say anything. I laughed at them for that but now I’m sort of in the same situation, literally one hand holding away from it becoming my parent’s love story!

“What are you thinking about?” Hoshi snapped me out of my thoughts “you’re making that face.”

“Oh I was just wondering if that organic body care shop is still here” I know it’s still here but I didn’t want to tell him what I was actually thinking “my mom loves that place.”

“Lets go see, maybe they’ll have something for my acne” he responded and I was relieved he didn’t pry me for the truth. We go in and got what he needed and did more exploring of the area.

“Oh SHIT! It’s a dance supplier!” squealed when I saw the iconic glitter sign on the store front “I totally forgot that they opened a store out here! Lets pop in real quick! I want to see if they have ribbons by the yard.”

“Okay but I have a feeling it won’t be quick” he followed me in and was drawn to the racks of compression wear “oh my-LILI! Are these more durable than the one that I usually wear?!”

“Oh forsure! Try that brand, they have the type of support you’re looking for” I point to the brand and helped him find his size “go try it on, I’ll be over here.”

I go to the wall of ribbons to find something to use for a new support item I’ve been thinking about. In my midst of finding the right one, I don’t notice the people behind me.

“WELL! If it isn’t Miss Perfect herself!” coldly spat a familiar voice.

“Hm? OH! It’s you guys!” I was startled to see my old dance mates “it’s been what? 8 months since I left the studio, How are you?”

“You’ve gotten...top heavy!” criticized one of them “like, you got man arms now!”

“Duh of course they do! They’re a hero now, too good for pirouettes and grace” the former dance mate walks closer to her “what are you doing here? This isn’t your world anymore! Or do you regret leaving and you want to put on the leotard again?”

They all laughed and those words hurt me. I didn’t know what to say but at the same time I wanted to defend myself because I found my happy medium and purpose! But the words couldn’t come out, like I was frozen in place and I couldn’t breathe.

“Hey! Leave her alone!” Hoshi pushed the dance mate away from me to create distance “you might not care but she’s an amazing hero student and she uses dance moves on the field. I see why she left, you’re all mean and cold to Lili’s warmth and kindness!” he grabs my hand “if you don’t mind, we’re leaving!” As he dragged me out of the shop, I couldn’t help but to think about what they said. “Lili? Are you alright? Did they hurt you?”

“Hoshi, do you think I belong in hero culture?”

“Huh? Of course you do! You’re the dancing hero!”

“It’s just that” I stopped walking “that girl, she spoke some truth and brought up my deep, dark thoughts. I do want to dance again, I miss going to lessons, like I found my purpose but do I really belong here? Was my role in dance this whole time and I’ve strayed away too far?!”

“Lili stop!” he put his hands on my shoulders “You DO belong in hero culture AND in dance culture. YOU are the perfect marriage between the two! They don’t see it because you have yet to make your debut” he smiled “If you really want to dance like you used to, then teach me! I’d love to learn how you do your spin moves without getting dizzy!”

I crack a smile “You really think so?” he nods in response “Then I guess I do belong, thanks” I give him a tight hug “also do you think I have man arms?”

“Can your arms do this?” he picked me up and hoisted me on his shoulders.

“No!” I was taken by surprise but I was laughing “that I can’t!”

“Then you don’t have man arms” he shifted my body so I sit on his shoulders “these arms are 100 percent man!” he flexed his arms comically “good for punching baddies, moving furniture and holding girls named Lili Perla.”

I couldn’t stop laughing “You’re so extra!” I put my hands over his face and he laughed with me “lets go hit up a corner store, I wanna get some Hello Kitty Curry Cup Noodles to hoard in my room.”

“Are those any good? My dad didn’t let us eat instant noodles” he said as he walked with me still on his shoulders. 

He put me down once we were at the corner store....they were out of the noodles I wanted, so I had to settle with some I wanted to try. Hoshi found the canned orange juice my dad endorses and bought a few to pester me. Not gonna lie, it was kind of cute to see him go the extra effort to get my attention. We walk to the dorms and I totally forget about my unpleasant encounter at the dance store. Then I remembered he held my hand for a while and I freaked out a bit. We held hands...then he did that whole display for me....THEN HE CARRIED ME ON HIS SHOULDERS! I walked to my room and screamed into my pillow. Am I the dense one? Is this just friendly gestures and I’m reading too deep into? How many steps away am I from ‘accidentally’ telling Hoshi “I love you”? Ugh! Why can’t I just skip to the part where I know if he likes me or not!

-The Next Day-

“Hey can you teach me today?” asked Hoshi after I finished washing the breakfast dishes.

“You were deadass about me teaching you?” I was surprised as I thought he meant like another day or during training.

He nodded “Yup! Like I’ve been meaning to ask but then we got busy with things” he did a shaky ballet pose “like how do you keep your poses like that? And how do you do the thing!”

I turn off the faucet “The thing?”

“Yeah the thing!” he tried to imitate what he meant but he lost his balance “I can’t copy it but it’s the thing where you get low like a squat but you walk and do this cool arm flailing.”

“OH! You mean duck-walking!” I laughed at his effort to copy my move “I can teach you but you gotta change into some training clothes and meet me at the grass area near the sliding doors.”

“Will do! I’ll be quick!” he said before running off to his room.

I quickly got into my training clothes and grabbed my portable speaker, trying to beat him to the meeting spot. We got there at the same time.

“Okay so lets get loose and limber!” I said as I started to stretch my back “get to stretching!” He does his and you can see the excitement in his face. “Okay so we’re nice and stretched, time to show you the core of all these techniques” I sit on the grass and motion him to do the same “we work on core and balance points, you might not understand but dancers have wicked core control and all those lean muscles. We use our entire bodies to do the simplest moves.”

“So thats the difference between hero training and dance training? Full body usage?”

“Yes! Thats how I can do this” I put my hands on the ground and hovered my upper body and legs off the ground “without a quirk, pure core control.”

Hoshi tried to do the same but his arms were shaky “I know I can lift more than my weight without my quirk! I see now, I’ve been using the wrong muscles to balance!”

I show him how to work out his core for balance. We didn’t get to dance but showing him the basics was more important. This was our routine for a few days, then a few of our classmates noticed that we weren’t working on quirk stuff.

“Okay, today we can work on actual dance stuff” I excitedly announced “are you ready to begin?”

“Heck yea!” Hoshi was bouncing in anticipation “duck walk! duck walk! duck walk!”

I laughed at his little chant “Okay little ducky, first you squat and make sure your feet are flat and shoulder width apart.” I see him adjust himself into the squat “now I want you to bring your back up straight, find your balance point.”

“Like this?” Hoshi was starting to get shaky.

“Bring your chest out to balance” I point to his chest “I know it’ll look silly but it works, trust me.”

“I believe you, like this?” he puffs his chest out and suddenly he stops shaking “hey! it does work!”

“Great! Now take little baby steps forward” I take a few steps to demonstrate “make sure you keep balance, the slight bouncing is normal.”

“Heh I’m a duck” he laughed to himself as he took his first few steps “what type of dance move is this?”

“It’s vogue/ballroom dance, made popular by the drag scene and gay community” I explained as I watched him duck walking in different directions “my mom has a friend from America that’s a drag queen and he visits at least twice a year. When I was little, he taught me how to vogue and rhinestone nylon tights.”

“A queen?! That’s so cool!” Hoshi was awestruck “can I see you do some voguing?”

“Um sure, gotta find the right song” I pick up my phone to scroll through the family playlists, I chose Raingurl by Yaeji  . I was serving, feeling myself and lost myself in dance. As I finish with a death drop, I heard the sounds of more than one person clapping and cheering.

“Iida-san that was incredible!” shouted our class rep from his balcony “I didn’t know you knew other dances?!”

“That was amazing Lili!” Hoshi clapped the hardest “you looked like you were in your element!”

Some of our classmates came running down from their rooms to swarm me, begging me to teach them too. 

“Woah woah! You really want to learn how to dance?” I wasn’t processing that they enjoyed what I did “I was just showing Hoshi the one move.”

“But you taught it so well! I want to know how you move so gracefully” said one of my classmates, pointing to Hoshi “and it looks like a lot of fun! Won’t you teach us Iida-san?”

“Well if you put it like that, then I’ll teach ya” the response from my classmates sparked joy “we can do a scheduled session out here now that summer break is over and classes are going to resume. Let’s work it out with our class rep!”

And so we worked things out with our class rep, Friday evenings and Sunday mornings are my scheduled dance sessions. Kind of wished it was just me and Hoshi, but the validation from others is pretty cool too.

-Monday, 1st day of 2nd term-

“Hey Lili!”

“Hm? Oh hi Maru!” I was distracted by the intel students on my way to class. I haven’t seen Maru in like 2 weeks, almost forgot he existed.

“Long time no see! How did you settle into the dorms?” he asked with that dumb smile on his face.

“It was alright, food situation sucked for the first two days” I tried not to get mad again from remembering “otherwise, I love my dorm layout!”

“Maybe we should visit each other’s places sometime” he spoke suavely “I have a TV in mine for Netflix.”

“If it’s anything like your room back home, no thanks” I scrunched my nose “I can’t stand you hero otakus! Also, Netflix is garbage tier streaming service, I’d rather watch 20 year old youtube videos.”

Maru’s face went from confident to embarrassed in less than a second. Everyone around us that overheard was wincing at how hard I roasted him.

“Oh jeez Lili that was ice-cold!” spoke up Hoshi “lets just go to class, bye!”

We turn away and Maru was frozen in place. “I was just saying that I don’t want to visit his room, it’s full of his dad’s hero merch.”

“But he was fully making a move on you” Hoshi raised an eyebrow “it was super obvious he wanted you over at his dorm for ‘Netflix and Chill’, you know that right?”

I looked at Hoshi with a confused face “But Netflix is trash! I said what I said!”

“No dummy! He was trying to get in your pants” Hoshi was spelling it out for her “are you that dense?!”

I blushed “N-no! I just don’t see Maru like that!” 

Hoshi was floored and nearly lost his cool “Are you kidding me?! Every boy that comes in contact with you tries to make a move on you” he flails his arms “and every time you curve them so hard that it hurts! You can’t be that clueless?!”

“Well, to be honest, nobody here has gotten my interest like that” I said meekly “I don’t have a crush, I’ve never gone on a date and I’m not sure if I have a type.”

“...Really?” Hoshi was surprised as we turned into our classroom “I just thought that maybe you’ve gone through a few boyfriends.”

“Nope, my dad was super protective of me when I started going to school” I laughed as I sat in my seat “he didn’t want boys talking to me and scared them away when he’d come pick me up from school or dance practice. The only boys I’ve been around are my parent’s friend’s kids that are around my age.” I sigh “I have a feeling he might want me to date within that circle but they get on my nerves! If I had to choose, I’d rather get my legs broken than date any of those boys.”

“That’s harsh but I like that attitude of yours” Hoshi bop’d my nose “so feisty but hardheaded!”

Class started when he turned around. The whole day I was riding on that high of Hoshi boping me on the nose. When we were finished for the day and I went to my locker, I found a letter neatly tucked in between my shoes.

“Huh? A letter?” I was confused “this can’t be for me! I’m not popular enough for confession letters!”

“Oh for the love of- just open it Lili!” Hoshi was stressed out over my dense ass “who knows, it might be promising!”

I open the letter and real aloud “Dearest Iida-sama, meet me by the botanical garden at 5pm. I have to tell you something important, come alone. Sincerely, T.H.” I look at my phone for the time “It’s 4:40 now, I guess I should make my way to the garden” I tug at Hoshi’s sleeve “will you come with me? I don’t want to go alone, I’m kind of scared.”

“Not to worry! I wasn’t planning on letting you go alone” he reassured her “I’ll be hiding out in the jasmine bushes in case things get sour. If need be, I’ll phase into the ground and grab you by the ankle for a quick get away.”

“Sounds like a plan!” I give him the thumbs up and I make my way to the garden. I sat at one of the stone benches and waited, whole time wondering who it may be.

“Iida-san?! Is that you?” call out a voice, it was the class rep.

“Yes it’s me” I quickly get up “sorry if I’m loitering! I’ll just-”

“NO please!” he stopped me from leaving “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh, can it wait? I’m waiting for...”I pan over to Hoshi’s face in the bushes, giving me the ‘that’s the person dummy!’ look “wait, did you write this?” I hold up the letter.

“Yes I wrote that” the class rep cleared his throat “sorry for this sudden meeting but I wanted to tell you something that’s been at the back of my mind.”

“Uh huh? I’m all ears, what is it?”

“It’s just that, for a while now, I’ve been in like with you” he gets sweaty “I admire everything you do and how you just don’t care what other people have to say about you or your family. Will you-” he takes a deep breath and bows with his hand out “will you give me a chance? I know you probably aren’t thinking about dating but I promise to make things worthwhile if you give me a chance.”

I just stood there, like a dumbass, not knowing what to say. He’s a decent person but I was too nervous to say anything. I turn to Hoshi and he facepalmed and motioned me to say something. “Ummm wow! I didn’t know you felt that way” I nervously laughed but I felt like I was going to pass out “I don’t know what to say! Uhhhh”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way” he stood up from his bow “I understand.”

“No it’s not that! I just don’t know you well enough to know” what the hell am I saying?! I’m word vomiting! “I don’t even know your name.”

“But it’s halfway through the school year! How do you not-”

“I’m really bad with names and saving numbers on my phone” I nervously admitted “I’m just a foul-mouthed, dense, girly girl with bad social skills. Why the hell would anybody like me.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Iida-san” he was having trouble trying to relieve the mood I’ve created “you can take your time! Just write me a letter back or text me if that makes you more comfortable” he turns around to leave “I’ll be seeing you around!”

“Okay, bye!” I waved until he was out of sight “Oh my fucking god what have I done!”

“You have zero social skills Lili” Hoshi said as he popped out of the ground “I was cringing the entire time you were talking, even he wanted you to stop talking!”

“I know! What do I do Hoshi!” I was freaking out.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead “He said it, write back to him, that’s all you.”

“Oh! Why can’t I skip to the part where I’m with my soulmate?!” I huffed and stomped in frustration “feelings are so confusing!”

We head to the dorms and I just speed up to my room, avoiding anybody that might question me. I even went as far as taking a late dinner and eating what was leftover like a gremlin! It took me 3 days to finally sit down and write my response, but like the coward I am, I asked Hoshi to deliver the note to the class rep.

-Friday, after school-

“I didn’t ask but now I’m curious” Hoshi asked me as we got our shoes out of the lockers “what did you say in your letter?”

“I said I’d give him a chance so I can get to know him better” I put on my shoes “can’t be that bad, my mom did the whole dating stuff for a while in high school.”

“That’s great to hear!” he gave me a playful punch in the arm “proud of you!”

I scoffed “Psh I got this!”

Spoiler alert....I don’t got this. When I got to my dorm, I was bombarded with texts by the class rep with plans for a day together this weekend. It got me nervous and I forced myself to just bite the bullet and do a saturday thing with him. Whole time I was freaking out, Hoshi calmed me down the hour before my outing with the class rep.

“Okay Lili, you are young and that bitch” Hoshi was hyping me up in my room as I fixed my hair “it’s your first date, and even if you don’t like him, enjoy yourself.”

I took a calming breath “Okay, I’m ready” I spun around on my vanity chair “how do I look? Can you do a smell check on me?”

He looked me over and checked my scent “You look put together and your good to go with your amount of scent” he gives me a thumbs up as my phone buzzed “he’s probably waiting, text me if you’re in need of escape!”

I give him a thumbs up as I go down stairs to meet up with the class rep. “Hi! Where you waiting long?”

“No I just got here” he smiled as he held his arm out “shall we be off?”

I looked at his arm like a dumbass, like I seriously didn’t know what he was trying to do, so I squeezed his bicep and said “Nice muscles man! Yeah lets go!” and I walked ahead of him.

“Oh um, okay lets go!” he was so confused on my little curve for his gesture “So I was thinking of going to get some boba.”

“Sounds good!” I said in my fakest, polite voice because I don’t like boba. So I was in my personal hell when he ‘surprised’ me with a strawberry black tea with extra boba...at least he also got us some macrons. “So uhhhhh what do you like to do for fun?” I initiated.

“I like to read up on hero history and-” he started to go off on hero shit that I didn’t care about because I heard it all the time from my dad and Mr. Midoriya “...my FAVORITE era was during All Might’s golden era.”

I choked down some boba as he finished talking “Oh favorite era huh? Speaking of, what’s your favorite flavor? Are you a savory or sweet type person?”

“Hmm, I guess I like butter and mild flavors” he took a sip of his drink “I’m not much of an adventurous eater, this is as exciting as my taste goes.”

My brain broke, this is where I should’ve stopped everything and said it wasn’t going to work out. But I wanted to give it a chance “Oh, that’s....interesting?”

“Oh I bet being the daughter of two high profile parents got you a refined taste palette!” he praised “only the finest cuts of fish and fusion foods everyday!”

I laughed “Nah, we live humbly in my house. Almost every night my parents cook and we all have sit down meals” I get a little homesick “My mom is the best cook! She makes mexican and american cuisine, so my taste is more on the spicy and heavy side.”

“Oh that’s cool of your parents” he commented and checked the time “um do you want to go to the next stop?”

“Oh sure!” I said happily as we got up and walked. Surprise, it was the hero museum and it was the opening of the Deku wing... whoopie. Like the trooper I am, I looked at the things he pointed out to me and did my smile with the giggle. Whole time I was just bored, I see this mans all the time HELL! I’m pretty sure my dad and him are having a grand old time at the house right now! As Mr. Bakugo says ‘Stupid Deku!’ and as my mom says ‘Shut up you broccoli ass twink!’ UGH!

“You’ve been awfully quiet” he said nudging me “what’s wrong?”

“Hm? Oh! I was just in deep thought” I nervously laughed to divert.

“About what?” he asked curiously.

Oh fuck what do I say? I don’t want to hurt his feelings “About what my dad said about this factoid” I pointed at the plaque in front of me in panic, fully not knowing what it says.

“About Deku’s debut?” he skimmed the plaque.

“Yea! He was debuted way before this date on the plaque” I’m fully pulling this out of my ass but I also want to leave “Deku made his debut technically when he was still in high school, this just shows his first news covered rescue.”

He looked over the plaque again then at me “You’re right! It IS the first news covered rescue!” he gave me an approving look “you really know your stuff! I like that about you, you’re just full of surprises.”

Phew! I saved myself from embarrassment! But now he likes me even more, big oof on my part. We leave the museum and we pass by the arcade.

“Hey lets go to the arcade!” I tug on his sleeve “they have the vintage DDR machines that are still in use!”

“Oh I’m not much of a video game person” he responded to me “I have something else in mind, lets keep going.”

My smile disappeared “Oh...okay” I let go of his sleeve and I just felt bored again. We kept walking and we ended up at the bookstore, this better be worth it because I really wanted to play some DDR.

“Here have a seat” he pointed at a table that was surrounded by high bookshelves “this is my favorite spot to sit and read.”

I sit and already feel stir crazy “It’s a cozy spot, what do you like to read?”

“I read a lot of-” he goes off on his favorites, spoiler alert, it’s hero history. I don’t know why I bother asking! At this point I wanted everything to just end, it was getting a bit into the late afternoon, I was hungry and losing my patience a bit. “...oh but where are my manners, what do you like to read?”

“I uhhhh read dance and fashion magazines, because you know” I wiggle my fingers “my quirk, I copy what I see on the pages to hone my skills.”

“Oh right! I suppose you’re all about those types of things” he laughs nervously and gets up “I’m going to the front desk, be right back!”

I flash my smile and wait for him to walk out of sight to check my phone. I sent Hoshi the sleepy face emoji to show how bored I was. It was almost 3pm and I was close to just walk out of this outing. I put my phone away just as he comes back with his stack of books. He tells me about his selection but not a single one of these were novels or non-fiction, just hero stuff. After what seemed forever, we finally left the place to go to the dorms. I don’t know how much longer of this faking I can take.

“Well, I learned a lot about you!” I said as we approached the dorms.

“Did you have fun?” he got shy “because it was really fun sharing them with you.”

I didn’t have fun but what do I say to that?! “It was an experience I won’t forget about anytime soon.” Ew, what the fuck am I saying?!

He blushed hard and diverted his eyes “That’s great to hear! I hope we can spend more time together” he took a deep breath and held his hand out.

Shit, now what does he want me to do? His hand is out like he wants something, do I just, put something in his hand? I dig into my purse and put a single red M&M on his palm “I don’t suggest eating that, I don’t know how long it’s been floating in my purse.”

“Um, thanks for the warning?” he chuckled a bit and put the piece of candy in his shirt pocket “maybe I wasn’t very straightforward with my gesture, may I take your hand?”

“Oh hahaha! Silly me” I laughed at my dumbass, hesitating on putting my hand on his.

He gave me a smile and kissed my hand “I’ve never done this before, I hope this wasn’t too much?”

Again, no butterflies in my stomach nor rapid heartbeat, I felt nothing! The mix of everything was making me upset, time to make my grand escape “Coolio! See ya later!” and before he could react, I sped off to my room. I threw myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow. Why don’t I feel anything?! I want to feel those feelings with somebody, I want to fall in love! Why is this shit so hard?! I didn’t want to leave my room to face anybody, I just wanted to hide.

“Lili? You alive?” it was Hoshi “You missed lunch and I got worried.”

“Go away!” I snarled under my comforter “I don’t wanna be seen!”

Those threats meant nothing to him, he just phased through the sliding door into the room “Fine then, I won’t look at you” he sets down a plate of food on the desk “brought you food, because I know you get hangry” he sits on the floor, back resting on the bed “sooo, that bad huh?”

I sighed hard “Yep, what’s worse is that I think he likes me more now!”

“What happened?” he asked and I explained the whole outing. At some point he hands me the plate of food and I was eating as I was talking. I felt more myself after a few bites of food “I can’t believe you fully faked your way through it! But what got you upset?”

“Well, it sounds dumb but, it’s just that I didn’t feel anything after that hand kiss” I cringed at my own words “this is the second time somebody did an obvious romantic gesture to me and I didn’t get those butterflies in my tummy or anything!” I look at Hoshi in the eye “am I just, incapable of feeling love?”

“What? NO! Lili, don’t be so hard on yourself” he put his hand on my knee “you feel love toward your parents and family, this type of love is different. It’s not obvious and it’s confusing, it just has to be with the right person!”

“Then, do you think you met your ‘right person’?” I asked curiously

“I know I did, I’m just waiting for the right time to have my turn” he said as he ruffled my hair “but I’m not saying who! Not until I have my turn.”

“Aww not even a hint?!” I huffed because I really wanted to know “are they in our class? Male or Female presenting? Their quirk?!”

“Let’s just say they’re a huge brat, has a secret soft side and is female” he said with confidence.

“Wow, they sound kinda like a bitch” I made a sour face “you have a thing for bratty girls?”

They laughed at me “Only for secret softies” he put his arm around me “don’t sweat it Lili, we’re still young and getting it wrong. I’m sure your ‘right person’ will make it obvious for your dense ass.”

“Shut your fuck!” I laughed “I’m not that dense.”

Hoshi made me feel way better about my feelings. What would I do without them? Like he was made to be my support, to be my friend. Let see what the hell I’m going to do now.

-Chapter 7, End-

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[defunctblogtobedeleted]

10/26/19 3:40 am - Inventing A New Ranking System For People

Alright I don’t know if it’s sexist since I’m bi (LOL Andi would hate when I called shit gay and say that it’s okay because I’m half-gay).

But I did a lot of brainstorming and wanted to show off my new rating scale.

1-10 is trash. We used to parody it by saying it was more efficient to just do Binary where 0 is you wouldn’t smash and 1 is you would.

There’s just no depth there.

The crazy-hot chart is at least a little better because it’s got two factors you’re assessing.

So Here’s what I’ve got for you today.

I spent that one night at Darlin’s watching her stream and drawing this picture because I kept imagining what it would be like to write down all my feelings and have her read about how much I loved her and how highly I thought about her and maybe she’d take me back. I came up with this scale, but didn’t draw that part of this page out until just now.

I’m glad I’m writing the official scale part and all the numbers now that I don’t really want Andi back. It all feels more honest, though the opinions haven’t really changed. One of the things I said to Andi when I was breaking off our friendship was that I felt shitty like I was manipulating her back into a relationship and not being real friends with her.

Honestly I don’t know if I could control myself to try to be platonic friends with her now. Probably not, I’m tryna fuck like everyone I hang out with LMAO.

But anyway, Andi and I loved DnD and so that was the inspiration for this scale. Forreal here it is:

So here’s the rundown. You’ve got your normal 6 stats on the left, Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. 

It helps to fill these out as well, because then you have 12 points of assessment.

For example, Andi’s digestive issues means that there is no fucking WAY she’d be able to pass a constitution check on poison, since she can barely eat most regular foods; hence she has a -2 in that stat. It also helps to remember that when you’re doing real stats that 18 is like supergenius and 20 is literally unachievable naturally so there’s no way you ought to give a real person much higher than like a 16 or 17 intellect.

Okay now here’s the fun part. My made up stats are Hobbies, Spontaneity, Mental Health, Sex, Beauty, and Status/Refinement. 

Hobbies are what I consider to be the strength of a relationship. It’s how much you guys have in common with the things you like to do. On these stats I think it’s more natural to fill them out to a max score of 20. Andi gets two points off for not liking drugs and not liking fucked up shit from 4chan or videos where she gets grossed out like Me!Me!Me! but she was damn near perfect in terms of wanting to do stuff I wanted to do. Drinking, video games, sex? Yeah. got it.

Spontaneity is a subjective stat. One person’s SPO 20 is probably another person’s SPO 1, after all. You’d want someone in your life to be as crazy and willing to go out and do wild shit as you are, I’d presume. Or at least I do, which is why in terms of having Andi ready to go on road trip adventures across the country with me she didn’t quite hold up. I’d give her a -2 but she did fuck me in a parking lot the first night I met her. Really thought about giving her a flat stat just for that, but overall I think it’s negative.

Mental Health isn’t just a category for me to take a jab at Andi for having depressive issues, I fucking swear I’m not that much of a dick. Mental Health, or MHP, is a throwback to that Crazy-Hotness chart/meme/adage. You really do have to take into account if someone isn’t going to slice your ass with razor blades when they fuck you lmfao, or if they’re going to fight with you or fuck your friends any chance they get. Some people are just crazy and now here’s a stat for that. But alright yes, I am an asshole and took off points because Andi was depressed so much lmfao.

Sex + Beauty  I like these stats being their own categories for the same reason that INT and WIS are different stats. Raw beauty is your natural 1-10 scale of hotness. Of course, it’s more accurate because it includes .5 decimals by going 1-20. I’d give Andi a 7.5 on my hotness scale, where 10s are like Natalie Portman, Britney Spears ~Toxic era, and Kimberly from the Power Rangers. So in DnD Beauty she gets a 15. She had perfect tits, a great ass, a tight stomach, a pretty smile, and legs for fucking days, man. Pretty fucking hot.  For sex, I’d say you should rate someone on a scale from 1-18 normally, just because an 18 is the highest stat you can roll naturally before increasing your stats with feats. But then you can continue to add 1 or 2 if they actually have some mindblowing skills. Like if they give the best head you’ve ever gotten or something they can break into that best-in-the-world territory that a 19/20 stat in DnD is supposed to represent.  That being said, Andi was one of my favorite fucks. She didn’t have unbelievable stamina on top and didn’t give a legendary blowjob. But she was ALWAYS ready to fuck. And so enthusiastic. And so sexy. And kinky. The only area she loses points from rolling the nat 18 is for kissing and for whatever was causing the puss flavor.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really honestly think it was just because we were too lazy to shower most of the weekend though so I didn’t want to take a whole second point off for that.

And so that leaves us with Status (/Refinement) Status is a somewhat more nebulous stat, but I wanted to add a stat in for how classy someone is. Does she come from a rich family? Does she have money? Does she make more money than you? How is her taste in music and culture and art? Would you feel shitty not taking her out to a fancy restaurant? Like sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re tryna fuck a hot piece of trailer trash. It’s fine, man. Like Mungo Jerry said In The Summertime, “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal / If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel.” It’s not a bad thing to not be classy.  For starters I liked that Andi made a little more money than me, but she wasn’t rich enough to take me in and be my sugar momma 😂 I also didn’t think she had Great taste in anime and music, so she ends up in an above-average-but-still-kinda-middling stat. 

And that covers it!

I hope this doesn’t make me the worst person ever. But I might start reviewing all the people I sleep with like this. I think it really demonstrates their appeal a lot more than anything else I’ve heard of. 

Let me know if I’m the biggest piece of shit ever for this so I know not to do it though lmfao.

Also Andi, if you ever read this for some reason I hope you’re... flattered? I guess? I really hope you meant what you said when you told me I could write about you because... this is probably a lot. I really don’t think I was out of your league though, and when you looked at your porn pics of us and said you couldn’t believe your ass looked so good I hope you know you always looked great. 

💕 It really was fun. Unblock me so we can be friends again. It’d be cool to chill now that I’m in a better headspace I think. 

I was thinking about calling you when I finally got to this part in my catching up, but I want to give you your space. Forever, I guess. You always said you were the bad bitch Ex’s And Oh’s girl who would have your exes chasing you to the end of the Earth and I’m not about that chase lmao.  But you were worth it. You were worth a lot more, to be honest lol, I wish I had gotten my shit together before we broke up instead of after. But you really convinced me to treat myself right, and take better care of myself in a way that nobody outside of my family has and you mean a lot to me for that. So I hope you’re doing well and I don’t want to do anything to fuck that up if you are, so I’m not gonna be that ex that calls you out of the blue that says “oh are you ready to be friends again, sorry for that shit I said.” Also because I’m not. But if you wanted to be friends anyway that’d be rad.  💕 💕

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Orange is the New Black (S05E05) Sing It, White Effie Airdate: June 9, 2017 @oitnb Ratings: @netflix Score: 8.75

**********SPOILERS BELOW**********

OITNB has a habit of having white folks tell black folks’ stories… Normally you can kind of sense it right away, but after watching ‘Sing It, White Effie’ I had to look up the primary writer. I’ve talked about this a few times but never on this grand of a stage. I know that this has been addressed by many in previous years including Essence Magazine (which, yes I do read). It’s true that we as human beings, of blood and guts and organs and bones, are for the most part the exact same, sans a few genetic defects that only affect a certain race… And it’s true that some of us in different parts of the world have very different experiences due to environment. For instance, for over a decade in Miami, my only friends have been ones of color… Literally 98% Latin & Black… Despite how other parts of my family live, I live very differently. Growing up a 'sexually fluid’ ginger with a mother who was a very young teenager in high school gave me a vastly different experience than most. I’ve always celebrated my fucking weirdness. In high school I was literally a walking oxymoron, wearing 90 inch GAT pants I stole from the mall or borrowed from my friend, GlowGirl (yeah in the late 90s we all had Rave Names, didn’t you know?), paired with an oversized button up I found in my step-dads closet and a vest from Structure and Brooks Brothers eyeglasses that my Grandmother bought me on a visit… Not to mention spiked up Backstreet Boy haircut (that may or may not have been blue), tousled in the front, and fucking candy and jelly bracelets from the base of my thumbs up past my elbows. What the fuck, right? You’d think I’d look back and hate it, but all I see is a RAD fn’ Rave Star with 'anti-anti’ 90’s culture embodiment… Serving up Rave-Tastic Soccer Playing Prep Freak “on a Lemonade budget”…. Thank you, Shea Coulee!

Diversity has always been a part of my life in one way or another. I love to trade perspectives. I ask questions and offer up personal experiences instead of telling people their way of thinking is wrong, because I want people to understand me and I want to understand them. I truly believe that if we all at least tried to understand each other instead of this 'This opinion is right. This opinion is wrong,’ divisive mindset so many have seem to have adopted as of late the world would be a much better place. That being said, I just wrote a few articles on the 3rd Season of '60 Days In’ and stated there were certain topics I couldn’t completely speak on, even being a diverse ginger gringo faggot or whatever anyone wants to throw my way. On the internet today I was told I have a PHD in Cock Sucking (and other things that literally just look like letters on a page to me) and on the bus just last Monday, I let Snapchat take a quick, disappearing peak at a woman attacking my partner and I on the bus with an umbrella who called us 'stretched out asshole faggot cock sucking mother fuckers that will fry in hell’, I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. She had gotten a glimpse at my partner helping me on the bus because I have some issues moving around on Monday’s due to some disc issues in the upper parts of my back and went in for the kill when my partner asked if she could please turn the music down that she was blasting from her phone like she wasn’t aware that one can totally sonically invade someone’s space. None of these experiences give me the proper perspective needed to make a complete series featuring an episode that looks through the lens of a woman of color’s standpoint on Culture Appropriation on an all white 'DreamGirls’ production at the 'White School of Rich Bitch Privilege’.

Don’t get me wrong, this is probably the best take on racial issues I’ve ever seen on OITNB. I was moved, accomplished NYC playwright and television writer & editor Molly Smith Metzler, whose worked on two of my favorite Streaming Only series (OITNB & Hulu’s 'Casual’) is a raw talent that streaming networks would be lucky to have work on their exclusive series… But it all still felt like it was missing something. Some might tell you that the 'diversity’ plays itself out in front of the camera, but I assure you as a writer that it takes a village. When it comes to television particularly, everything is filtered through a lens after a lens after another lens…. As the showrunner draws out a storyboard with producers and then oversees the writing of a script which is handed to an editor and then off to a director which directs the actors who have their own interpretation of that character who are then filmed and framed by a cinematographer who hands over the multiple takes to an editor, who then slices and dices and puts together the final product that the network may possibly need to approve and by now I’m out of fucking breath. And I didn’t even mention the composers, casting directors, production designers, art directors, set decorators, costumes, makeup, the fn’ art department, sound department who collaborates with special effects people, not to be confused with the visual effects crew and the dozens and dozens of others who’s lens it funnels through to make a finished product. Did I make a point yet?

'Sing It, White Effie’ is by far the best of #OITNB5 but just like the tears that filled my eyes during the final moments when a young Janae has an epiphany when she realizes what her trip to a private school that has a trio of rich white girls playing the main characters of 'DreamGirls’ truly represents…. Just like Taystee’s beautiful, enthralling speech that I’m sure we all applauded and were worked up over emotionally… It just could have been better. No matter what you know, no matter what you’ve seen, no matter how intense your empathy radar is, no matter how many shoes you have traded with other people… We can write out someone else’s story, we can do our research, we can firmly believe the things we say, we can identify pieces of a puzzle of someone else’s story through idiosyncratic experiences, but we’ll never be able to put the entire puzzle together without the missing piece.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m complaining, I’m only imagining that a fantastic show could be even bolder, even more intense, even more 'on the nose’ with it’s ironic comedy style, that’s sometimes dark so that it fades into the drama with more ease. I love OITNB, I do. I would go as far as to say that this is the most bingeable show ever created. The hardest thing I’ve had to do in the past few months (thank god) is to decide to go to sleep instead of watching and writing about another episode of this very show. Slowly but surely, the inmates of Litchfield are shown to notice little things that are waking them to the impending consequences that are sure to devastate these women in a major way.

Right now it’s the little things, like Suzanne (Uzo Aduba), the usual most 'out of touch’ resident of Litchfield, observing the fact that she’s not being fed during regular hours. Gloria (Selenis Leyva) has come to a point where she is completely overwhelmed, she can’t carry on her normal duties anymore. Her genuine concern for Daya (Dascha Polanco) as well as her inner turmoil she’s experiencing for generally losing control paired with the backfiring of attempting to steal the gun from Daya to impede the takeover is a weight she can no longer carry. Her phone call to Diaz (Elizabeth Rodriguez) was another truly successful, relatable, and dramatic moment that puts the audience inside Litchfield for an oh-so important instant. I think we can all relate to a point in time where we are completely at a loss for what to do in a situation, maybe we want to ask for help, but we don’t know how, or even where to start, or even if we could be helped at all… So you just need a familiar voice on the other end of the line. The family dynamic is so strong with this one, and as a person who lives in a Latin Dominated city, there’s a certain way that pride is carried here that I see in these characters. These actresses are truly amazing to bring their distinct perspective into a script that is not their own, essentially that is what makes this show so special in these dramatic points of reference. It is bigger than the writers, who are great, but just not as diverse as we would like.

If it’s one thing that a talented white woman would write with a pristine birds eye view, it’s satire of a what it would be like to be a rich white woman turned into a slave by white supremacists… Oh yeah, and one white nationalist. Judy King (Blair Brown) looks completely insane with her messy hair, ketchup stained face, and belt leash around her neck. I literally can’t stop laughing as I write this. The image will be forever stored in the memory banks of my brain. Taystee is PISSED. The Helicopter Press snapping a photo of Judy King tied to a cross on top of a roof by skinheads wearing hijab’s has interfered with Taystee’s intentions, which means everyone’s intentions, but most importantly… Justice for Poussey. She means to buy Judy off of the skinheads and grab 'The PR Guy’ Josh (John Palladino) to issue a statement, but the skinheads make Taystee & Friends work for it, holding a ridiculous auction, which doesn’t really work… But for the sake of moving the core narrative onward in what is as close to real-time as possible, I suppose it’s fine…. I’m just not sure where everyone else came from considering in one scene they were alone and the next minute the area is full of potential bidders. Just goes to show you even some of the best shows are fat from perfect.

Pensatucky (Taryn Manning) has yet another memorable moment, again the drama is really what is setting this season ablaze. Big Boo (Lea DeLaria) catches Pensatucky & Coates (James McMenamin) making out. Of course, this not only enrages Boo for obvious reasons, but it also has her worried for Pensatucky’s safety. A lot of people seem incredibly uncomfortable with this subplot, but Manning delivers the true Pensatucky 'thought process’ in a 'methamphetamine metaphor’ that’s just divine. 'No matter how much I wanted different, I had to respect the chemicals… Because Lye doesn’t feel anything until it touches ephedrine’, Pensatucky means this… And even if you don’t understand the white trash chemistry behind the metaphor, she delivers it in the most earnest & steady manner. There’s a beauty to it. She continues… 'Have you ever wanted somebody that you shouldn’t?’ Boo doesn’t have it, 'Of course. It’s called masturbating. Now say goodbye and walk the fuck away, son.’ Pensatucky is a character that we’ve already explored so much throughout the past 4 ½ seasons, but there are so many notes to this character and to Manning’s delivery that they could literally go on forever. This is the very opposite of Piper (Taylor Schilling) who literally seems like a new person, someone completely alien to the Piper who kicked off the show in S1. Even her interactions with Alex (Laura Prepon) feel off key. Maybe prison is changing her? Or maybe they have no idea what to do with the character. They certainly know what they want to do with Alex, as she has started a bit of an 'outdoor prison’ revolution… Grass Roots, if you will!

We should mention that Coates escapes by way of Pensatucky stealing the gun from 'The Incompetent Queens of White Trash’, Angie (Julie Lake) and Leanne (Emma Myles), who don’t even realize that their 'secret hiding place’ they stored the gun while on a massive DXM trip is actually the back of the belt that Angie had no idea she was wearing. Coates actually takes the gun with him… All of these events have me worried for Pensatucky and there is really only so much that Boo can do. Right before his grand escape, Taystee and company lead Judy out for a press conference. Taystee begins and Danielle Brooks delivers her words like a Viola Davis or Meryl Streep in the making. She hands it over to Judy but pulls back when she realizes that Judy lying about her ill treatment will only hurt their cause… And to roll back to my original point, which I rolled off on a bit of a passionate tangent… Taystee literally says the words that I positioned that first point around… Judy King cannot speak for Taystee or any of the inmates, for that matter. This isn’t exactly a Pensatucky 'Methamphetamine Metaphor’ but dammit… In the face of previous controversy the show, particularly the writers room, has been accused of, you’d think that they’d hire equally as talented women of color to write this speech, portions of these episode, entire episodes. Once again, I take nothing away from the talented Molly Smith Metzler, she did an excellent job here… I just think that this scene, as well as others, could pack so much more power and benefit from the proper frame of reference.

[ghoultyrant]

FoZ Notes 20

Here we go. We’re really getting into Elves and the larger state of the world now!

----------------------------------

Somehow Derflinger was fully aware of everything that happened to Saito after the prior swordbody broke. He refuses to talk further on the whole "Gandalfr/Sasha using me to stab Brimir through the heart" thing because Sad.

Tiffania continuing to have self-esteem problems. Dammit. Can we go back to Badass Line Tiffania?

An island (kinda) known as the Dragon's Nest, a bizarre mass of pillars of stone sticking randomly out of the ocean. Luctiana has a friend who lives here. It used to be a volcano, but not anymore. Oh wait the buddy lives somewhere underwater. Luctiana apparently expects Tiffania and Saito to just be able to hold their breath for the whole dive, but when they object she rolls her eyes and casts a spell that lets them temporarily breathe underwater because of course such a spell exists. Oh and she makes Derflinger temporarily rustproof, because of course.

Said waterbreathing spell apparently turns water into air as it enters the throat. That... sounds really miserable, actually, but the story treats that as a perfectly good explanation with no unpleasant implications whatsoever.

Turns out Luctiana's friend is inside one of the pillars. Said friend? A massive Water Dragon called Mother Sea. She's actually a Rhyme Dragon because of fucking course. Dark silver scales that look blue at a glance somehow. Coral horns. Rhyme Dragons live long enough that Mother Sea's grandmother was a little girl six thousand years ago.

Mother Sea asserts that Rhyme Dragons have accepted they're going extinct so, like, whatever man. 's all cool dude. Bizarrely, she talks about God's will instead of, you know, the Great Purpose. And even though she keeps referring to Brimir as The Devil.

Wait, Luctiana is asserting 'barbarians' have no sense of shame in regards to kissing? Goddammit, she introduced herself completely naked and soaking wet! This isn't even cultural difference stuff with deliberate irony. This is just shit writing.

Finally get explicit confirmation that Shaitan's Gate/Devil's Door is the same place Halkeginians call the Holy Land. Derflinger alludes to a "Teleportation Gate", which is probably the same thing. I can already see the writing on the wall: whatever idiocy I'm imagining now regarding the Gate, canon will trump it.

There's a, what, third kind of Water Dragon? It gets compared to both eels and crocodilians. And it's a dumb, aggressive creature. You know, like Saito.

Derflinger just... talking underwater, ain't no thang. I... can't really criticize it (It’s not like he’s got vocal chords or whatever) but I still don't like it.

Submarine hidden in the sea nearby Dragon's Nest. Nuclear sub, specifically. And somehow Saito's Weapon Feedback Bullshit allows Derflinger to know that its power source is 'particles banging into other particles'. aaaargh

To no one's surprise except Saito (because he's retarded) the nuclear sub has nuclear weaponry. Shocking.

Oh my fucking god Luctiana ALSO has a spell for allowing people to talk underwater. (The quality gets compared to a shoddy radio)

For a minute there I thought the author was going to be quasi-intelligent and have Saito consider threatening the Elves by firing the nuke from the submarine. There'd be a lot of problems with this idea, but they're manageable, particularly when you consider that Colbert is a TinkerSpark. But noooo, Saito has looted the thing -because nuclear ICBMs are very small and lightweight, you see- and is thinking to himself how he can threaten the Elves via manually detonating the thing. This is insanely stupid nonsense, quite literally suicidal, and if he has to get close to detonate the thing they can just, you know, wreck the nuke -nukes aren’t even something that detonates explosively when shocked or something! This is just a bad plan on every level I can think of.

Supposedly the familiar summoning spell's words don't matter, only the feeling "in your heart". I have manifold issues with this claim, particularly since it's being introduced out of nowhere to justify Tiffania performing the summoning when the story finally feels like having it actually happen.

Oh my fucking god we FINALLY got a kind of explanation for Tiffania having a Ring of Andvari! Only ten volumes too late! Still no explanation for how she knew how to use the damn thing, though. Oh, and Elf Mom died by lol throwing herself in front of Tiffania when a knight tried to kill Tiffania. Yeah. Sure. THAT makes sense for an all-powerful wargod (ie an FoZ Elf) to do, as opposed to... casting Counter, or making the knight's head explode, or whatever.

Seriously fuck this author.

Elven council meeting room... is at the top of the tower? That's not what we were told last volume. [I seem to have lost almost all my notes from last volume on the Elves? Not sure how that happened. You’re not missing much, though]

"Steed-blooded party", an Elven political faction. They seem to be the Elven version of ultraconservative Catholics. Bidashal hates them.

As is typical of Japanese fiction, political leaders just don't want any fuckups happening on their watch so that nobody can blame them for said fuckups. So the Elven council is a bunch of people who don't want to do anything because they might get blamed if things don't work perfectly.

Bidashal is the Chairman of the Barbarian Countermeasures Committee.

For some reason, the Elves A: know Luctiana brought Saito to the Dragon's Nest and B: find this utterly horrifying. [The second bit actually kind of makes sense later. The first bit is never explained or justified]

Turuk is the current head of the Elven council. He's an old man in the same mold as Osmond, though so far not perverted, just a drunkard... wait a second. Osmond is supposed to be OLD, when we're introduced to him! Like possibly over two centuries old! I think the author entirely forgot about that, given how the story has been talking about Halkeginian and Elven ages for volumes unending.

Elves have a crime of "ethnic rebellion". It's unclear what it is, other than punishable with death. Really not selling me on this noble, peaceful Elves thing, here. The "Steel-bloodedparty" is all about killing traitors and 'devils', further undercutting said noble/peaceful thing. For that matter, the idea that they're wise and stuff is being undercut by how politicking for personal gain is occurring even though the Elves basically think they're on the verge of an apocalypse.

The Dragon's Nest apparently is where Earth crap gets dumped en mass by interdimensional shenanigans.

It's a super-duper secret that Shaitan's Gate connects to our Earth. 'Devils' seems to get used to mean Earth humans.

Elven "Nydus" Navy is made of "Dragon Whales". They look exactly like whales, but with scales. No, really, that's what the text says. I’m not mocking it here. I wish I was mocking it.

Fatima Hadat. A Steel-Blooded Party Elf woman with no practical combat experience but a drill sergeant's attitude anyway. She's trying to make up for an aunt's shameful behavior. Also Steel-Blooded Party members are Soviet Union people?? (Comrade etc etc all the time)

Mother Sea has been collecting the junk from Earth, thinking it's Halkeginian or Elven litter, basically.

Finally the story reveals that Dragon's Nest is Shaitan's Gate/the Holy Land. Credit where it's due: this makes perfect sense and I failed to figure it out before the story spelled it out. Six thousand years ago, this area was dry land.

Elves have rifling, Halkeginians... also have it, but nobles have suppressed it because they don't want peasantry getting good weapons. Eeeeeh. We also hear some nonsense about Halkeginian nobles believing weapons to be 'the path to evil'. Since when? And this is from the omniscient narrator, keep in mind, not some biased character where I could assume they’re just out of touch with the rest of their culture.

I just realized I'm halfway through this volume and Louise hasn't had ANY screentime. Would like to punch the author now.

Saito theorizing Derflinger has an Imp-style memory block Sasha put on him that prevents him from remembering things if they would threaten Elves. Sorry, no, shit explanation. A for effort, F for execution.

Random assertion from Derflinger that only 'skilled' Elves can use Counter. You know, that way we can justify Saito being able to win against Elves even though Louise is absent from the plot. Narratively-convenient construction strikes for the five millionth time! Don't think too hard about the fact that he's facing Elven soldiers who logically should be trained fighters, you'll just get an aneurysm and/or an all-consuming desire to murder the already-dead author.

Elves have Windstone-powered guns that work wet.

Oh. Here's the idiotic payoff of all this shit of Tiffania wanting to meet "Elves like her mother": her mom is Fatima's shame-bringing aunt, and Fatima recognizes her ring’s remains (Because remember, the Stone of Andvari part got used up) and gets pissed. sigh

WHAT the FUCK. Tiffania casting Summon Familiar SUMMONS FUCKING SAITO.

NO. THAT IS BULLSHIT. THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST.

YES IT'S BEING USED TO TURN SAITO INTO A FUCKING GODDAMN DOUBLEFAMILIAR KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

Over with Vittorio he's talking with Julio about feeling bad about his lies: A, there is no 'device'. B, the Void ritual won't stop the Wind Stone Catastrophe. Sasha, the elf, was Gandalfr+other familiar six thousand years before Saito ARGHBLARGHLE THIS STORY IS SHIT

Now Julio is ALSO BECOMING A DOUBLEFAMILIAR BECAUSE HE'S AN EVEN BIGGER MARY SUE THAN SAITO MURDERVERYTHINGIT'STHEONLYWAY

Ominous dialogue implying it's somehow critically important to have the master/familiar folk die while in love with each other.

Elven airships are dragon-towed. The story pretends like this is a superior methodology to Halkeginian airships. Pffffff.

Utterly bullshit claim that Elves perform trade with Halkeginians, implied claim that Halkeginian nobles hate Elves but civilians aren't afraid of them or anything. So all that shit earlier of peasants thinking Elves are cannibals and so on? lol whatever man consistency is for, like, non-shit writers.

So remember how before there was a Germanian castle at the border of the Elf/Germanian border, in desert? Yeah, NOW there's "the Unexplored Lands", a vat region of forest and plains mostly occupied by demi-humans and separating Elven desert from Germanian land. Consistency is for losers lol!!! (Beastmen, ogres, and avianmen, specifically, not that this means much to the audience)

So you remember how alchemy/transmutation is the most basic of earth magics? Hahahahaha the author doesn't, asserting that Guiche is useless in an aerial battle because earth affinity lol.

Claim Elven airships have never lost to Halkeginian airships.

The Sahara has wild boars. I have no idea how plausible this is, so I’ll let it ago. Even if it is bullshit, it just does not rate compared to the whirling shitstorm of everything else going on.

This volume and the previous are implying there's a fair amount of language shenanigans occurring in the original Japanese. Stuff like Elf/people of the desert and Void/work of the devil being indicated to have been said via kanji shenanigans. I'm sort of disappointed at the evidence being that the unusual choice for desert Elves is probably just a pun that’s not surviving into English.

Urge to kill rising. Ali just saved Saito and Tiffania because... ostensibly because he's saving Luctiana and so he will need their help since saving her makes him a race traitor, but that's bullshit. It's just a super-thin way of ALMOST killing off Tiffania for DRAMA and then not having it stick. Fuck this writer.

Ali ALSO grabbed Fatima, because of fucking course.

So after making a big deal about that submarine [As in: Luctiana found the idea of an undersea boat just fucking unimaginable, and not in the “there’s no way barbarians have pulled that off!” sort of way, but in the “That’s not a thing anyone could possibly do!” sort of way] earlier... it turns out Elves have submarines based on having the Stupid Breed kind of Sea Dragon drag around an airfilled whatsit. This is fucking ridiculous, it's like the author has an active hatred of consistency and quality.

End volume.

--------

Aaaaand that's all she wrote.

Volume 21 is barely translated, and volume 22 isn't translated at all. So I'm done until such time as volume 21 gets translated.

This fucking series, goddamn.

So, since it's not gotten into by this point in the story, I went and used the Familiar of Zero wiki to look up what the fourth Familiar actually does: firstly, they can burn their life force to enhance their master's spells. Which. Why? The story has already established that people can do this with their own life force, why does it require a specific special familiar to be able to tap someone else's life force? Secondly, they can "stockpile spells" to "turn themselves into basically a bomb", whatever the wiki means by that.

Honestly, I'd forgive basically anyone for throwing it out entirely and replacing it with something more consistent with the other Void Familiars. Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it already, the name is Lífþrasir, supposed to be "the heart of God".

So. Yeah. I could see someone having coasted through the prior volumes, not thinking too hard and not noticing how the story is inconsistent nonsense, but holy fuck are we experiencing a sudden, extreme dip in quality. And the worst part is it looks like much of it was intended for a long time, so I don’t think I can blame this on whatever killed the author, if he like died of illness or something.

Fuck this series.

[girlsagainst-archive]

THE COATHANGERS - BY GA REP ANDREW KOH

Our GA Rep Andrew caught up with the Coathangers - aka Stephanie Luke (Rusty Coathanger), Julia Kugel (Crook Kid Coathanger) and Meredith Franco (Minnie Coathanger) - on their U.S April tour.

First off, welcome back to Washington DC. It’s been a year since your last tour with L.A. Witch, and I saw that Stephanie went to the Women’s March on Washington this January - as did I. So, from last year to this yeas, things have been different. But it’s great to have you back here in DC.

SL: “Different” *laughing* Yeah, you could say that.

Yeah! Congratulations on the one year anniversary of the release your album, “Nosebleed Weekend” on April 15th.

JK: Aww, thanks.

Yeah, it’s an incredible album and I told Meredith earlier that it was my soundtrack for the summer so thanks for that! Really looking forward to the release of your new EP “Parasite” available on Suicide Squeeze on June 30th. Now, back under “Nosebleed Weekend”, it’s been a year for these songs to kind of marinate with your fans and audiences. Which songs have resonated well with the crowds? Especially with some bands being tired of playing the same songs over and over again after touring relentlessly, which tunes still have you excited and pumped for shows?

JK: Squeeki Tiki is a rad one, you know? It’s been really fun. (Squeeki Tiki is a tune primarily featuring a squeaky toy for the song’s melody). All of them have been great to play live.

SL: Yeah I don’t know. Down Down, Squeeki Tiki, umm, Burn Me…

MF: And Make It Right.

JK: Yeah, and people have been liking our latest songs off this new EP. I mean you said you get to add something fresh and new to the setlist.

So you guys are now on tour promoting your new EP. Is there anything else in store for The Coathangers in 2017?

JK: Yeah, we’ve been touring a lot.

SL: We’ll be out on tour in Europe after this, which will be cool.

JK: So maybe somewhere near the winter time we’ll have something in store. I mean we’re always writing and thinking.

MF: Yeah, who knows - maybe some live recordings or something.

JK: There are many possibilities available but right now we are just trying to take it one day at a time. I mean, plans are kind of overwhelming sometimes, you know, and fucking stressful. I don’t wanna plan my 2018 right now - you know what I mean? Like, “what are we gonna do in April next year?” like shut up! Haha, I don’t want to talk about that.

Of course! I also want to touch on the title track of the new EP, Parasite. You (Julia) said in an interview that during the making of the last album, “Nosebleed Weekend” that you didn’t want to scream anymore and just wanted to sing and focus on melody but when it came to that track, you just wanted to scream and curse.” Were there any reasons - related or unrelated to your band - that lead you to make that change?

JK: I was so mad because I had fucking parasites. We all had them from touring so much and we got them somewhere. I was so mad and then there was the election. We recorded Parasite after the election too and it was like fuck.

MF: Yeah and honestly it was like we did it old school - we hadn’t had like an “AHH!” crazy moment. And it just felt good.

SL: Yeah, just let it all out. It was the same with the song Captain’s Dead. Because we took 3 months off for the holidays and for family stuff and then when we got back together for 3 or 4 days and jammed out, it just came to us.

JK: Yeah and the pressure of it like,”YOU HAVE TO WRITE A RECORD NOW! AND IT HAS TO BE AMAZING! AND IT HAS TO BE SUPER PRODUCED!” and it just like, what? And when we started working this record out around spring time and we wrote 5 or 4 songs and it was just so great.

SL: Like you said, it was old times like the old Coathangers again when we would just get together and like “BLAH!” and then it’s just like yeah okay it’s cool.

JK: Yeah like “Holy shit we need a bridge there and should be repeat it twice right there?” like “NO!” Haha, I mean we still did that though.

SL: Yeah we didn’t need to overthink it and stress out about it

MF: Totally, it just felt natural to us.

SL: It was really fun and we were all laughing and having a good time you know?

JK: Having parasites for 6 months and after was the first time we were all like clear headed - cause parasites will make you go fucking crazy. We all thought we had mono.

MF: Yeah, around the time we did the L.A. Witch tour.

Wow. I mean, you guys tour so much and are relentless in delivering fresh tunes like it’s really inspiring hearing your story and how you’ve managed to do it all yourself. And as an aspiring singer songwriter, that means a lot you know?

The Coathangers: Aww thanks!

Who are some of the musicians or cultural figures you kinda look up to as inspiration?

MF: First off, our moms…

SL: And then there’s like Kim Gordon… who’s super inspiring,

MF: Salt N Papa.

SL: Yeah, Salt N Papa and TLC and coming from Atlanta, bands like The Black Lips, Mastodon, Deerhunter and every band who ever put us on a show. That Atlanta love really helped us out and shaped us.

What changes would you most like to see within music or the industry as a whole?

SL: Just equality. Like really? Just don’t be an asshole. It should be one big family.

JK: Yeah and just put your ego in check you know? If you’re running security, I get it, you are in charge but be fucking nice in our way. If you are a headlining band, cool you’re great but be fucking nice and normal. If you are a producer, don’t fucking try to grope me you know? Like why would you do that? Hire a prostitute. And if you do, make sure you pay them! Like seriously fuck you man. Go live out your dirty fantasies some other way. Where ever it is, you get it from everyone whether it’s a boy or a girl, young or old, any race, people can be fucking assholes. Like please, be nice to people!

Do you ever get that vibe from venues, security people, etc?

SL: Oh hell yeah! It’s like people prejudge or have their pre-conceived notions about others and they feel like they need to be a dick to us before we can be dicks to them or something like that. It’s an ego thing or a complex but you can’t carry it with you.

Do you feel it’s that misogyny that causes venues or security personnel to be reluctant to help stopping groping at gigs?

SL: I think that depends on the owner and environment of the club. We know so many great people who would be horrified to hear anything like that happening at their venue. There are obviously people who could probably care less. I guess it’s just how your mother raised you.

JK: I can’t remember if there has been some fucked up thing I’ve just blocked out but like if anything we see security go after guys like, “WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!”. I mean, we’ve stopped gigs before if there are fights or whatever

SL: I mean there’s been shows where a girl broke a dude’s nose. Like clocked him and we’re like, ”HELL YEAH! She took care of it herself”. But if there’s anything we see fucked up, we’ll stop a gig anything to help out because we can see more of the crowd on stage.

Of course, and sexual harassment at gigs is a microcosm of a much larger issue. What would you say about misogyny as a whole?

SL: I mean, look at our president. I think it’s allow for a lot of people to come out of the rugs and think it’s okay to be more racist, sexist, and homophobic.

JK: We’ve forgotten there was an opposition. We’ve like literally forgot they were there but there always has been.

SL: Now it’s almost like accepted or normal like no! You’re a fucking asshole! That’s completely unacceptable behavior for anybody whatsoever. Even inside themselves they are fine if someone says some crazy racist shit if it’s at a Trump rally. So they’re fine with as long as they finally live out their fantasy for power. But that said, we are more of a welcoming community and we can bond you know. I mean we’ve had girls come up to us in shows saying, “Your music help me break up with an abusive boyfriend, your music helped me start my own band, your music gave me strength, etc.” You know that’s so powerful so I hope that everyone on our end can come together and fight power.

Do you have anything to say to the perpetrators of sexual harassment at gigs?

JK: It’s never okay to do something like that.

SL: There should be a fucking tazing area. Put them in a pit and have at it.

JK: I mean, it’s like a cheap thrill for you that maybe you home and you enjoy yourself but that create a huge impact that scars someone’s heart you know? You are fucking someone’s life up. Go get a prostitute, go fucking touch yourself, go read a book. Find something else to do and express your urges in some other way. What the fuck are you doing scaring people if your free time?! You’re an asshole.

SL: Go eat trash and die.

We have followers have personally been assaulted or harassed at gigs. Is there anything you’d like to say to the victims?

SL: Speak out, it’s not your fault, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you and what you were wearing. But bring it to the forefront and don’t be ashamed about it because it will ruin your fucking life.

MF: And I mean everyone, besides that asshole, is on your side. Especially at a show. I mean if someone said it right away, that person would get beat up. I mean at our shows anyway.

JK: Exactly, like straight away just be like, “THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE JUST TOUCHED ME!” and the response who be, “OHHH YEAH?! WHICH ASSHOLE?! GET HIM!” You know? Like especially in DC? Are you kidding me? That dude would be handcuffed and kicked out of there. But in any show, say it right there and really loud, “FUCK YOU!” and aggressively stand up for yourself. Don’t feel like that’s a bad thing too. I mean I’ve been groped before at shows and been so in shock and scared. I didn’t even point him out you know? But I should have been like, “FUCK YOU! This guy etc…” It’s definitely hard but don’t be afraid to defend yourself and loads people at the show will support you.

 Girls Against sincerely thank the Coathangers for their time, honesty, and for supporting our campaign.

You can buy/listen to their brand new EP “Parasite” on Suicide Squeeze Records available across all major streaming platforms.

 You can catch the Coathangers live in these upcoming tour dates.

Date                      Venue                                                  Location

Jul 18                     The Earl                                                Atlanta, GA                        

Jul 19                     JJ's Bohemia                                       Chattanooga, TN                              

Jul 20                     Off Broadway                                    St Louis, MO                      

Jul 21                     The Riot Room                                  Kansas City, MO                              

Jul 22                     Globe Hall                                           Denver, CO                        

Jul 24                     Milk Run                                              Omaha, NE

Jul 25                     Total Drag Records                          Sioux Falls, SD                    

Jul 26                     7th St Entry                                         Minneapolis, MN                            

Jul 27                     Beat Kitchen                                      Chicago, IL                          

Jul 28                     The Melody Inn                                                Indianapolis, IN                

Jul 29                     Daytrotter                                           Davenport, IA                    

Aug 01                  The Pyramid Scheme                     Grand Rapids, MI                            

Aug 02                  Ace Of Cups                                       Columbus, OH                  

Aug 03                  Northside Yacht Club                      Cincinnati, OH                    

Aug 04                  Zanzabar                                              Louisville, KY                      

Sep 16                   Electric Factor                                    Philadelphia, PA              

Oct 07                   Project Pabst Atlanta                     Atlanta, GA                        

 Additional tour info, discography, band info, and merch is available on their website, www.thecoathangers.com

Special thanks to the venue DC9, the Coathangers’ manager Geoff Sherr, and to Hannah Stokes for taking photos.