#my app kinda glitched so dont stare too much

[bokvshou]

I thought I painted a picture of heaven but it turns out it's just your room, just your room.

this song is SO jiang cheng/chengxian coded, dear god. im in pain.

[bigassblunt]

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu bad dream (cw for d/e/ath) its also a bit long n weirdly typed. i wanted to remember as much as possible so its kinda narrative

also. lms if you read i’d rly appreciate it bc this fucked me up at 7am

this morning had a really vivid dream about my brother who passed away 3 years before i was born

i saw him through the big window of my house, holding a sign on light blue poster paper. i think he was dressed in a leather jacket and jeans..weird dream shit probably…anyways i dont remember what the sign said. i walked past the window hoping he wouldnt notice me, and i started panicking to myself thinking, “oh fuck, is that my reflection? am i hallucinating again?” which couldnt possibly be true, i wasnt carrying anything with me on my way to my room

i come back outside to check if hes still there and my dads sitting out on the front porch with him, their backs facing the window

oh shit, it was him

my mom’s in the kitchen area, who she sees me staring.

“hoy! go say hi to your brother!” the look on her face was excited, but very serious. she alwayd had that look when commanding us to do chores or whatever

i make a run for the bathroom to try and fix up my hair so i could at least get a picture with him. it would’ve helped me see how i was potentially gonna look like after a year or so on T

at this point, i had so many questions in my mind, and i’m sure my family did too. but the only one i had on mine was simply:

“where ya been, you stupid fuck?”

i bust out the front door with my phone in hand, “EARL!” i said, calling after him

“CAN WE TAKE A SELFIE?”

but it was too fucking late, my dads car drove past the street in front of our house as if they were going back to the airport

you fucked up kid…like you always do

but y'know, its a dream! so the car stops before it’s parallel to our neighbor’s yard

this time he was wearing a white T-shirt, maybe three sizes bigger than him (bc you know, when ur filipino u wear your parents old shirts as house clothes) and a pair of back trackpants

earl, in the passenger seat, gets out wih his phone in hand and he’s waving at me as he crosses the huge stretch of grass to the front porch

“hi riah! yeah! let’s use my phone.”

i get close to him, kind of awkwardly and prepare to smile for the camera as he brings up the camera app on his phone. this shit was fucking nervewracking bc this was probably the first and last time i would have gotten to see my late brother

i still, had so many questions.

my mom’s outside now as well, and she nags at the both of us as earl tries to find the right angle that captures both of us in the shot

“get closer to each other, c'mon, hug each other, hurry!” she hollers

right before earl can take the selfie his camera glitches out.. i pulled out my phone and was like, “hey lets try mine!” even though that was my idea from the start

i had my phone opened to the camera, but as soon as i tried getting us in a picture, my phone glitches out as well. the camera preview was reduced to a tiny portion of my screen..it was too late. he had to go back now.

but where? why was he leaving so abruptly? couldnt he stay a bit longer? was he going back to heaven?

throughout the entire dream i was fighting myself, trying not to burst into tears over the sight of my brother…

i told my mom that i didn’t think he was the real deal,

“i thought he was just my reflection!!” i exclaimed to her

i finally woke up at 6:59am and sobbed

it upsets me so much that i couldn’t actually get a selfie with him and how he saw me as his sister, and not a brother.

his existence haunts me like a fucking shadow even though hes Fucking Dead because all my relatives (aunts, uncles, parental grandma, grandpa) always compare me to him.

“you look like earl” “she looks like earl, hahaha” “do you remember your brother, earl?”

none of them see me as the actual man i am (granted tho im not out yet and idt i would ever come out to them or want to see them at all) so it doesnt make sense why they always tell me this shit

it makes me feel like i exist just to remind them of someone they knew

i wish they would just let him rest