#my anxiety is so high i don’t even know how im functioning tbh

[iguessitsjustme]

If anyone has any pictures of pets or plants that they’re willing to share with me, I could really use them today

[unalivejournal]

u mentioned only reading kripke era fic do you have a reclist 👀👀👀and if not could you link some of ur faves cuz the stuff that gets circulated the most right now is all like late late seasons fic and kripke era is my favorite too but im having trouble finding that many fics for it or even seasons 6-10 era which im fine with also. its just that like. the last five seasons were so bad that it makes fic generally worse too because people have to jump off of just Thee stupidest plot choices no matter how good their prose skills might be. but anyway yea if u have recs that would be awesome :)

hi anon i was thinking abt making a reclist and u just gave me the perfect excuse thank u

jess adamilligan’s kripke era fic recs

from making this ive learned that i never bookmark ANYTHING. sorry all of these r like….. 10k and under. i DO read longer fic but i don’t have any kripke era longfics bookmarked & tbh i prefer short oneshots

season one gen

disclaimer because it’s unfortunately needed: NONE of these are w*ncest! they’re all completely tagged as gen and i did not read them with the intent of consuming ship content.

Coaster Park by fogsrollingin, 10.4k, G, gen

Coaster Park had been experiencing an unusually high frequency of technical difficulties. Dean wouldn't have pulled a shift treating nauseated, heat-stroked, or dehydrated park-goers for that if he could've helped it, but when 'technical difficulties' were accompanied by rumors of things moving and stopping on their own in front of the operators' eyes, Dean had to throw down.

No historical tragedies or disasters in the area, ectoplasm, or EMF. Dean's only lead was a battered-looking kid that'd been coming to the park every day since it'd all started.

really interesting au fic! slightly ‘it’s a terrible life’. dean winchester is a hunter/EMT and sam wesson is a college kid destined to die on a roller coaster ride.

two basic motivating forces by sahwen, 7.8k, T, gen

He can’t cry, it’s not allowed; even as a child he was hushed into silence, whether his tears were from a long car ride or a late night or a raging fever. It’s never been an option, it’s never been an available outlet, and it’s not about to start being one just because he’s having an emotional breakdown on the bathroom floor.

Sam isn't only afraid of clowns.

BIG emetophobia tw (both for graphic depictions of nausea/vomiting and for the fact that this fic is about sam suffering from emetophobia) for this one but it’s my favorite sickfic. portrays anxiety over getting sick really well and is a fascinating examination of the different ways that sam’s fear of loss of control can manifest itself. also has lovely brothers content <3

Let’s Start at the Very Beginning (Remix of Just as Easy as 123) by nwspaprtaxis, 4k, T, gen

Dean’s functionally illiterate and Sam’s determined to remedy it...

PLEASE READ THIS ONE god it’s so sweet. dean never learned how to read properly due to his nomadic childhood and sam teaches him how.

dean/cas

Broadway Musical by Griftings, 9k, M, m/m

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

somewhat of a fandom classic and the humor holds up wonderfully. a very silly fic completed with commentary from angel radio throughout the entire thing.

Sappiest Season by dollsome, 2.7k, G, m/m

In which Dean and Cas have to stop an evil Christmas tree (like you do), and it requires a little fake couple action.

hilarious little s5ish fic. one of the first i read when getting back into spn. i don’t want to spoil anything but this is my favorite pick me up and i still giggle randomly whenever i think about it

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by tuesday

Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this.

another fandom classic. ik this one is recced a lot but how could i NOT include it. dean and cas get married (mostly by accident) and they’re huge cunts about it

the one thing in the galaxy god didn't have his eyes on by prufrock, 2.4k, T, gen + m/m

“Wait,” Dean says. “Let me get this right. You can fly, right—you can teleport—but you can’t drive a car?”

or, after the events of S5E03 "Free to Be You and Me," Dean teaches Cas to drive. Cas finds it stressful

im always a sucker for a good ftbyam fic. also i can’t drive so. resonation

So Says The Sword by komodobits, 85k, E, m/m

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

NO introduction neede. i think everyone on spntumblr has read this already but still. if you haven’t then i am demanding that you read it NOW. tbh i’m just adding this one so that i have at least one long fic here 😭

the weight by @myaimistrue, 3.5k, T, gen + m/m

“Do you…” Bobby sighs. “Listen, Dean, do you have something you wanna tell me?”

It’s the conversational equivalent of being punched in the stomach.

Or, Dean works through some things with Bobby's help.

WHEN I SAW THE USERNAME I GASPED I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS U. anyway i Love coming out fics idk why i just do. the world is ending and dean comes out to bobby

canticles by 2street2car, 10.3k, T, m/m

“But you know something? If I couldn’t get you laid, at least I gave you a good first date.”

feat: footsies at a Ruby Tuesday, stargazing, the recreation of an iconic "Dirty Dancing" scene (no, not that one—the other one), and practicing for When You're With A Girl.

another ftbyam fic that skepticalfrog (i believe?) recommended a while back. made me feel at least 28 new emotions

Epilogue by JayneL, 28k, E, m/m

Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means-- Bobby is here, swearing somewhere above and behind him; and Dean is here, talking about 2014 like it's a foreign country; and Sam is here, and is not Lucifer. Which means--

Cas is no longer when he was. Lucifer sent him back.

Coda to 'The End'.

2014 cas gets sent back to 2009, feelings ensue etc. i don’t remember all the details of this one bc it’s been a while but it’s really good

bonus

currently reading

Fragile As We Lie by perilously, 11k, E, f/f

Dragging Bela Talbot out of perdition isn't so much a decision as it is a frantic choice based on gut instinct. Her soul is bright, if fractured, and Anna yearns to do good again after the perversion of free will that immediately preceded her death.

Bela's no ordinary human, though; she's prickly and damaged and beautiful, and Anna doesn't want to leave her side. So maybe they can figure out how to navigate post-resurrection, post-Apocalypse-that-wasn't Earth together.

[firelord-frowny]

so, i’m back in my I Need To Start Therapy Again mood. 

Which I mean... technically I’m ALWAYS in that mood lmao but sometimes I’m able to go several weeks feeling comfortable that I’m doing all the good things I can do for myself in my current circumstances, and that it would be unrealistic and unfair if I asked any more of myself. These are usually the weeks where I’m practicing violin like crazy - I’ll never get into the quality of graduate program I want to get into if I don’t practice hard and long. 

But like WOW the kind of depression I get when I think too hard about the fact that my current level of success in my ~professional life~ is not at ALL congruent with my high skill levels and tremendous potential... is probably my least favorite kind of depression I’ve experienced so far. I mean, it’s not totally soul-rending and helpless like my transness/gender dysphoria. It doesn’t make me want to die, and it doesn’t make me fear that I’ll never find true comfort and happiness and companionship in life. 

but it DOES make me feel... pathetic. Like, people that aren’t half as good as I am at things are world famous for it. People are making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, sometimes more, doing the exact same shit I’m good at. Musicians who are not nearly as skilled as I am are off getting graduate degrees and becoming professors and founding regional orchestras. people are getting their writings published. 

and i’m just?????

not. 

and i know I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that the main reason for this is because I don’t even give myself the chance to try. Literally, I’m not DOING the things that could lead to me actually reaching my full potential and enabling myself to make an actual living. I don’t have any writings published because I’ve never fucking sent anything to a publishing company, or a literary magazine, and I’ve never put any genuine effort into actually finding an agent. I don’t have an advanced degree in music because i haven’t fucking auditioned for any programs. i’m fucking broke because i don’t actively seek out gigs because i’m too full of myself to want to play the kinds of gigs that are easiest to get, aka, I’m Too Stuck Up To Play With People I Think Are Bad Musicians. i can’t drive because i’m too scared to learn*. I’ve never put real, sustained effort into capitalizing on any of the professors I’ve had who have offered to help me advance my education and my career. I mean, I’ve emailed people about it, but they don’t reply (EVEN IF THEY’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO EMAIL THEM???) and then i’m too self conscious and embarrassed to try to contact them again, even though i KNOOOOWWWWW that they’re not going to be a dick to me about it. 

i remember in a Divorce Court episode, one of the litigants suffered from anxiety so bad that it kept her from even leaving the house on a regular basis. So the judge brought in a mental health expert to talk to her about what, exactly, is the cause of that kind of anxiety, and why it requires treatment. the expert said something along the lines of: “Anxiety only gets worse over time, and it does not get better without treatment.” which i mean, i am SURE it’s not quite that simple, but it certainly rings true. I’m more of a terrified, self-loathing wreck now than i was when I was like 17. 

So like... it’s totally unreasonable for me to just white-knuckle my way through life and just Hope that someday I’ll suddenly manifest the ability to be proactive in building a good life for myself. 

so i KNOW i need help. and a lot of my frands in real life and on tumblr have encouraged me to start therapy again, and assured me that no, my therapist is not going to roll her eyes at me and call me stupid and lazy for having quit therapy with her all of a sudden over a year ago. 

But I still can’t make myself do it. :( And one reason, I know, is because I have new insurance, and the fact that I don’t know how insurance even works makes me feel so overwhelmed. like, how do i even tell her what my insurance is?? what sort of Actual Information am I supposed to give her?? does it pay the entire cost, or just a portion?? and if i do have out of pocket costs... how do i even pay those??? 

OBVIOUSLY this is all stuff that the therapist (or her secretary or whatever???) would explain to me. she’d tell me what information she needs, and where to find it, and then all i’d have to do is just... obey! follow her instructions!

but im like LITERALLY almost in tears right now just thiking about how much i don’t want to experience the undue and irrational embarrassment I’ll feel when I have that conversation with her. 

it’s so fucking stupid!!!! 

i don’t feel quite this awful about this shit all the time, but the fact that my mind even puts me in this place at all is just??? SO unhealthy. and i deserve treatment for it, just like i deserve treatment with any physical/medical ailment i may ever have. 

tbh at this point i have half a mind to just... ask a friend to pretend to be me and call my therapist and schedule an appointment for me, bc right at this moment, i REALLY don’t feel like i can do it. :( 

or maybe i can draft an email and then just have someone else hit send. 

idk.

im having a bad night. :(

i was about to type that i just want to be normal. but i don’t want to be normal. i like being fucking ridiculous. what i want is to be FUNCTIONAL.

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[conspiracieys]

personality ans fun facts for vey please! 💕

thank u what the heck... im lov u......

[cracks knuckles] vey time...

this got long as all hell im so sorry. i’ll readmore after personality tbh

PERSONALITY:

What’s their alignment?: Vey is definitely chaotic good. Like... i toyed with all the alignments and in the end, they’re a good person, but they go about it in a very chaotic and disastrous manner and not always within the confines of what one would call... Morally acceptable. But they’re good in the end.

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into?: God uh. brb lemme google. ONE GOOGLE SEARCH LATER... i think Vey would be ISTP? idk man. just seems like the one that’s them.

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)?: okay well! their hobbies are mainly tinkering with robots and technology. that would be their main hobby. they also like to gather flyers that get put up around Pandora, just as sort of like... a scrapbook or newspaper-esque thing. it helps them feel like they’re Up To Date on the world (when they’re really, really not).

favorite food would likely be grilled skag steak. they can’t afford to be picky, not really, and skag is a pretty easy food source. and they like growing their own plants, so they grow herbs and can season their food really well!

favorite books would be anything on technology, robotics, programming, and artificial intelligence, whether or not they’ve read the books!

favorite color is pink because i project SO hard sometimes and we all love pink it’s the rule now :)

favorite place (after they leave Pandora, of course) would probably be either Promethea or Nekrotafeyo!

What are they bad at?: reading people, understanding tone and body language, expressing their emotions properly. they’re also bad at writing when it comes to creative stuff. they have TRIED. lord they have tried, but Jack ends up laughing so hard he has to phase back into the ECHO eye and Zane has in fact burned some of Vey’s writing.

they’re also really bad at singing (but they still do it and they enjoy it) and they’re SO bad at dancing (two left feet type of bad) (and at Hammy and Winny’s wedding, Zane and Vey try to dance together and Zane just says Absolutely Not My Toes Already Hurt Go Dance With Jack)

What kind of things do they dislike/hate?: they definitely dislike certain textures of food. they’d never eat calamari, for instance, just because of the texture. anything less than well done when it comes to meat, they can’t eat. they dislike the texture of cooked veggies.

they really, really dislike the color yellow. after years of being employed by Hyperion and being stranded on Pandora has made them practically despise the color.

they hate dealing with bandits and psychos. they speak broken bandit and they just find it so tedious to deal with and avoid it at all costs.

while they love AIs and robots, they have a special hatred for Loader Bots, if only because of the horrifying restrictions Hyperion put on their bots (regarding sentience etc)

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses?: why are mental illnesses being compared to vices and addictions i hate it here.

anyway ofc they’re mentally ill because i am also. they got the good ol’ adhd and depression and anxiety and probably abandonment issues. good for them.

What are their goals and motivations?: they want to one day create an Artificial Intelligence from scratch, as a companion, and build an android body for that AI. but with Jack in their life, they’ve put the AI on hold and are just focusing on building functioning android bodies. it’s very fun for them!

they’re also motivated by their own curiosity, once they have the means off Pandora. they want to explore the galaxy and find new technologies and such, to see if they can find anything that might contribute to their goals.

What are their manners like? Any habits?: manners are... so-so. it’s like, they treat everyone as an equal until proven otherwise. some people might get more respect than others (like Lilith, for instance, gets called Ms. Lilith no matter how hard Lilith tries to talk Vey out of it) and some people just get dismissed. but in general Vey tries to be kind if not neutral; especially neutral BECAUSE they have such a difficult time reading people and understanding other peoples’ intentions behind their words.

What are they most afraid of?: besides spiderants? probably being alone for the rest of their life, or not accomplishing their dream. which, to them, are the same fear. if they can’t accomplish their dream, they’ll be alone for the rest of their life.

FUN FACTS:

Which tropes do they fit? Which archetypes?:

Tropes they fit: Deadpan Snarker (unintentionally), Token Wholesome (due to their difficulty interacting with people), and Adventure Duo (both with Jack and Zane, sometimes Adventure Trio?) are the ones that jump out to me the most!

archetypes they fit: The Creator and The Explorer

Do they play any instruments? Sports?: No to both! the most sporty thing Vey does is explore and hike and fight. they do their best to stay in shape because they want to be a Vault Hunter one day, but they don’t do the sports thing. and they don’t really have an opportunity to or interest in playing instruments.

What are some items they always carry?: they always have their satchel with them, and it has a variety of crap in it, but always has their toolbox as well as a few spare tools, their Hyperion thermos they’ve been holding onto for six years because it keeps their water nice and cold at all times, their sketchbook so they can jot down ideas for their projects, and usually a snack.

Do they collect anything?: posters! and robotic scrap parts, even if they don’t use them in a project they just like to keep them.

What position do they sleep in?: on their right side with their hand tucked under their pillow, since they’re used to just using their hand as a pillow.

Which emoji would they use the most?: either 🤣 or 🙃 but like unironically and in the BEST possible way.

What languages do they speak?: English and some bandit. Jack is trying to teach them more bandit/psycho/whatever you wanna call it, and on Sanctuary III, Vey enjoys reading different language books

What’s their favorite expletive?: Varkidfucker.

What’s their favorite candle scent?: something simple, clean, and soft. like Amber Vanilla or fresh linen.

What songs remind you of them?: listen i haven’t been listening to a lot of music lately (i mostly just have minecraft videos on in the background while i do stuff), so i can’t give any songs without them feeling forced :(

Which animal would you say represents them?: most likely a wildcat, i think...

What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?: the geeks for sure!

What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?: hmm. you know the boat that goes back and forth and goes upside down and shit? yeah they’d be obsessed with that. or the fun house.

Do they believe in aliens? Ghosts? Reincarnation or something else?: yes to all? Aliens, check. Ghosts. Check. Reincarnation, check.

Do they follow any religions/gods? Do they celebrate holidays?: nah Vey isn’t particularly religious. they’ll celebrate holidays if the people they’re around celebrate them, but Vey doesn’t go out of their way to celebrate anything.

Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue?: hmm. Pride & Diligence!

If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be?: either the Hermit or the Tower.

[jaebaebie]

SKZ as your high school boyfriend (part ii)

If it seems like I got a bit carried away, it’s because I DID get carried away (IM SORRY THEYRE BOTH MY BIAS/BIASWRECKER, I couldn’t help myself)

Hyunjin

ok so hyunjin would be P O P U L A R ,, no doubt

good looks + talented dancer,, everyone obviously fell for him the minute he stepped foot into school

everyone except for you,, ofcourse

you assumed him to be arrogant and narcissistic

because him having a nice personality would just be too good to be true (like come on,, no guy can be that perfect)

you were so sure you were right about him

WRONG

it took you a hit in the face to realise that,, LITERALLY a Volleyball to your face thrown by Hwang Hyun Jin himself

it was just a volleyball game between his class and yours,,

and you were simply judging your female classmates as they were squealing over Hyunjin who was right across the net

then suddenly a ball whacks your face

and you somehow wake up in the nurse’s office with a very handsome and very frantic guy beside you, grasping onto your hand

“Oh my— thank god! You’re not dead! I’m really sorry,, I really didn’t mean to hit you. I swear! I just— I didn’t even— I’m so sorry!”

His rambles went on and on, which DIDNT help with the throbbing pain in your head, so you shut him up, “Hyunjin, it’s okay. Now will you please just keep it down? I’m okay.”

that didn’t make him feel better, so he offered to drive you home, glancing at you from time to time, making sure you were okay

shyly smiling when you called him out

when you parted ways, you thought that that was the last time you’d ever have to speak to him

surprising you when you found him to be waiting for you right outside your class, leaning against the wall beside the door

he’d ask you if you were okay and apologise for the millionth time

it was kinda cute because he was an absolute softie and sweetheart,, nowhere near the selfish monster you assumed him to be

“How many times do I have to tell you it’s okay?”

“I don’t know. I still feel bad.”

and somehow these types of conversations diverged into many more as he walked you to your next class

and these conversations continued in the days that followed as he constantly appeared to ‘pick you up’ from class, making sure to help you carry your books if you were carrying any in your hands

And like , TADAH, like all the other girls, you had fallen for the one and only Hwang Hyun Jin… OOOOOPPS

you thought he acted this way with every girl, but like,,, he was crushing on you real hard sis and you never noticed

he’ll confess first out of frustration because you never took the hint,, even when he was making it VERYYY obvious

as a boyfriend, he’ll be the kind to pick you up every morning, honking from his car with his signature eye smile

he’ll have some kind of breakfast ready for you, knowing that you were NOT a morning person (worse than him tbh)

he’ll interlock his fingers with yours or have his arm slung around your shoulders as the two of you walk down the hallways

occasionally kissing the back of your hand/ temple when he feels you tense up from the jealous looks of the girls around you two

which is why during lunch breaks, the two of you choose to hang out on the rooftop where no one’s focused on you two

he’d listen to you talk about your day, smiling lovingly at you with his handsome face

sometimes, you’d get distracted and completely forget which part of your story you were in

because how can one function when someone looks at you like how Hyunjin does

“And then Changbin —….” your voice would trail off, falling for his eyes as he gave you an expectant look, waiting for you to continue

“Wait, where was I again?”

He’d laugh and his eyes would crinkle into little moons (you know how it is)

then he’d give you a short kiss, before helping you out “You were talking about Changbin.”

“Oh. Right!”

you’ll be the first he shows his new dance routines to

you two take LOTS of selfies together #reallycuteIGprofilewithreallycutephotosofyoutwo

he’ll be the kind of boyfriend who gets pouty when you don’t give him enough attention during your study dates,,

would start clinging onto you/playing with your hair/ hugging you from the back/ being all cuddly and cute until you finally give him attention

surprise back hugs when he sees you by your locker in between classes

all in all, he’s a very sweet and cuddly and touchy boyfriend

Jisung

let’s just say you and jisung were already bestfriends with very fun and loud personalities,, aka crackheads

so obviously you two were setting up a kind-of-harmless prank to pull on Felix involving a water bucket and a door

how were you supposed to know that your teacher had forgotten his water bottle in class?

so,, major oops when your little prank resulted in an extremely drenched, raging teacher who sent the both of you to detention

you had to clean and arrange your school’s library,, which you got bored of within the first 15 minutes, choosing to throw yourself into one of the bean bags Jisung was on

“so, now that Jinyoung has graduated, have you found a new guy to crush on yet?”

you rolled your eyes, throwing a pillow at his face because you were NOT gonna have this conversation with him AGAIN

one, because it was annoying and two, because you didn’t want to risk him finding out that HE was actually your crush

you went back to rearranging books, telling him that you wanted to finish the task fast and get home,, so he FINALLY helped you manage the other side of your bookshelf

not long after, you noticed him talking to ryujin

obv you eavesdropped on their conversation through the little gaps in the bookshelves (though you barely heard anything)

you rolled your eyes,, its hard to like Han Ji Sung

because the boy is so sweet and nice and friendly to everyone

it just makes you crazy because there was a tiny part of you that wanted him to be sweet and caring ONLY to you.

your little spy mission was interrupted by Minho, a friend from dance, who started a conversation with you

little did you know, it was now jisung’s turn to eavesdrop

“What were you guys talking about?” Jisung asks through the gap of the bookshelf, following you as you went along the aisle

“And why does it concern you?” You ask back.

“Because I’m your bestfriend.”

“Okay then. Tell me what you and Ryujin were talking about first, since I’m your bestfriend too.

“Ryujin and Minho are completely different. Tell me yours first.”

you scoffed, offended by his words, “You’re being unreasonable! Why are you acting like you’re twelve? Are you like jealous or something, Han Jisung?”

he got cut off by the librarian, shutting the two of you up

by the time you reached the end of the aisle, he was there too, allowing the two of you to directly glare at each other face to face

you crossed your arms, staring at the stack of books behind him and avoiding his glare

“Fine, I admit. I’m jealous.” He confesses, “Are you?”

Your eyes widened, your arms fell down to your sides as you slowly nodded, “Me too.”

Is jisung’s part too long? Yes. Am I gonna keep writing? YES.

so, I guess you can say that’s how the two of you indirectly confessed to each other

you guys have a really nice and envy-worthy relationship because your boyfriend’s your bestfriend after all

you’ll have LOTS of FUN,, having after school dates at a fair, karaoke club

you guys have the same group of friends, and the two of you would sit in the same table during your breaks

sometimes, you’d sit on his lap and his arms would just be around your waist, cuddling you with his chin rested on your shoulder

whining for you to feed him a bite of your food,, which you teased him about but absolutely loved

concerts in empty lecture theatres you sneak into,

he’d have the mic, you’ll be sitting in one of the chairs pretending to be an obedient student

he starts rapping or starts advertising a random vitamin bottle he found on the floor

your stomach would hurt so much laughing,, just WHOLESOME

study dates with him would probably turn into a party as you guys start screaming your lungs out to Frozen

sometimes, when he’s having anxiety, you’ll skip school to stay home with him, making sure he was okay and well fed.

[helena-studyblr]

a post no one asked for!

hello so i reblogged a questionnaire a lil bit ago and i’m going to answer them now because...why not

1. how old are you?

im 18!

2.  are you in high school or college(university)?

college

3. what year or grade are you in high school or (university)? 

im a freshman in college

4. what is your school’s grading system look like? do you like it? what problems do you have with it, if any? 

so my university has a standard letter grade system for most classes and pass/fail for some courses that don’t really need a grade. i do like it because it’s what i’m used to, however, a lot of times having a letter grade system can be more stressful because it makes you feel like anything but some kind of A is mediocre and not good enough, when in reality, a 75% or above is better than average.

5. if you are in high school do you plan on going to university or college? if you are in college do you plan on finishing and if you do, do you plan on continuing on to other graduate or professional schools? 

i plan on going to veterinary school after i finish my undergraduate degree! if i end up changing my major to my second choice(music education is my second choice), then of course I won’t be going to vet school.

6. if you are high school what do you plan to study in college, if you plan to go. if not, what do you plan on doing after high school? if you are in college what is your major? do you plan on changing it? 

i am currently studying biochemistry and molecular biology and i have a minor in music! i dont plan on changing it at this point, but if i do, i’d change it to music education.

7. why are you picking or why did you pick what you are currently studying? 

i want to go to vet school, and biochemistry has almost all the requirements for vet school admissions. also, i find it interesting

8. do you go/plan to go to community college, technical college, or a four-year institution? how did you make your decision, or how do you plan to?

i am at a 4 year university, and i went here because it fits what i want to do

9. what factors did you consider when picking a college, or what factors do you plan on considering? 

the college I chose is in my hometown, which is probably one of the deciding factors(i really wanted to be close to home). the campus is very pretty and small as well, and i really wanted to go to a small college. i could have potentially gone to The Ohio State University because i’m about 20 minutes away, but the camous is so big and i know i would have hated it. the school also has a good music program, soi can continue playing even though it isn’t my major

10. what is your favorite pencil?

i love my muji mechanical pencil and also the papermate clearpoint!

11. what are your top three favorite pens?

pilot juice, muji gel pens, and sharpie pens

12. do you prefer wide-ruled paper, college-ruled, dot-grid, or graph paper? 

college ruled is my favorite for class notes, graph paper for revised/nice notes/math work, and blank for planning generally

13. do you use different types of paper for different courses or classes?

i use college ruled for almost everything except math homework(i use graph)

14. do you use a backpack/bag for school or college and what kind is it? why did you choose it? price, quality, function, design? 

i use a backpack, i have no idea what brand it is, but its the perfect size for everything i need to take to classes and its also really pretty(it has a black background with flowers on it)

15. what is your favorite outfit to go to class in and why? 

i generally wear leggings and a sweatshirt/sweater just because they’re comfy and also look cute! if its warm enough, i wear flip flops but if not, i wear my vans or converse.

16. what is something you always have to have in your backpack or bag?

usually my laptop and pencil case

17. what is your least favorite subject and why? 

math!!!!!!! will always hate. guarunteed. 

18. have you ever gone to tutoring, if so, how has it helped your academic endeavors? 

i have not

19. have you ever seeked academic counseling, if so has it helped you?

i haven’t

20. has your mental health ever suffered during high school or college, and what did you do to cope? 

holy shit yes. i suffer from depression and anxiety(depression for almost a year and anxiety for 4 years). i could make a whole post about this but in general, i make sure i give myself time to relax. it can be so so hard to take care of yourself when you suffer with things like this, so even if you can barely get out of bed, try to make time to do things that make you happy. for me, it’s drawing, netflix, and video games.

21. do you like to listen to music when studying? if so, what genre, if you have a playlist share it! 

i do listen to music! i just listen to music i like, which is rock/pop punk/alt rock/etc. (here’s one of my playlists!: https://open.spotify.com/user/helenakitten14/playlist/4R6ZGIlz8K5UDEk80cVfV5?si=cXK0z3HTRUKCQSKx9F8tNA )

22. do you prefer to study at a library or at home at your desk?

depends what i’m working on and how much i have to do. if i feel like i have to be totally focused, i go to the library, but if i have some time to take breaks and get distracted, i just stay in my room. I also hate going to the library on my own, so sometimes i stay in my room anyway if no one can come with.

23. what are your top three items you keep on your desk?

my lamp, my laptop, and whatever drink i’m drinking while working( i always have a drink so i avoid snacking lol)

24. do you feel as if you are more productive during the day or in the evenings? 

evenings for sure

25. if you exercise, do you feel as if it affects your productivity and if so how? 

i do marching band which is usually my exercise, but i don’t work out. working out just exhausts me and i don’t have energy to begin with(ye ye depression)

26. do you participate in any extracurriculars and if so how do you manage your time?

marching band and wind ensemble! i’m also joing KKPsi, which is an honorary fraternity for music service! i am not great at time management, however, i plan out everything to hold myself accountable

27. do you use a bullet journal, a planner, or to-do lists? do you use a combination of all three? 

i use a combo of all three! i’ve been bullet journalling a lot recently, but i also use a planner during busy weeks when i dont have time to make a spread and i make to do lists for weekends

28. do you have a note-taking style?

nothing specific

29. do you have a color-coding system?

i like to make every different topic/spread a different color. also, when i make notes, i like to highlight vocab words.

30. what do you believe is one of the most overrated studyblr trends? 

100 days of productivity. its impossible to be completely productive for 100 days straight. shit happens, and i understand the purpose of the 100 days challenge, but i think it also takes a toll on you mentally.

31. what are your career goals, how do you plan to reach them? 

i want to be a veterinarian or someone that works with animals somehow. i hope to go to vet school and then have my own practice or join another practice.

32. do you use a laptop? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model would you like?

i use a macbook air! it is nice because it is easy to transport, but occasionally the functionality can be questionable(storage space is always my issue). i do reccommend it, though. if i could get a new laptop, i’d probably get a macbook pro. 

33. do you use a tablet? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model are you interested in?

i don’t, but i think having an iPad would be nice!

34. if you post pictures to tumblr, do you use a camera or your phone, if so, what is the model? 

i use my iPhone 6s

35. 0.5, 0.7, or 0.9 pencil lead? 

usually .5 or .7

36. 0.5, 0.7, 0.9, or 1.0 pens? 

.5

37. how many hours a day do you spend studying? are your hours consistent daily or do they differ depending on assignments and exams? 

i tend to study for a majority of the day most days, but it always differs. i have no set timetable

38. how many courses do you take? what are they?

so i am in 8 courses right now. Biology, Gen Chem, Bio Lab, Gen Chem Lab, Calculus I, The History of rock n roll, Wind Ensemble, and Marching band.

39. how long until you graduate? in credit hours, semesters, or years?

i still have 3.5 years left of college, which is 7 semesters

40. how did you find the studyblr community?

honestly i dont remember, it was so long ago

41. how did the studyblr community impact you? 

i was in a big funk my sophomore year of high school. i had no motivation, i hated learning, i hated everything tbh. but them i found this community and it inspired me and showed me that studying can be fun and pretty while also being a learning experience!

42. do you go to school in the day or night?

day!

43. what is something you are too afraid to be involved in at school or college and why? 

 in high school, i was very afraid to get involved with a lot of things, such as theatre and some other clubs just because of anxiety.

44. do you type or write your notes? 

i write them mostly, but my biology professor talks really fast so i usually type notes for his class

45. what do you do on your breaks from studying? 

netflix, eat, play video games, probably other stuff i’m forgetting

46. how do you study for math exams?

honestly i just look through lecture notes and hope for the best. occasionally i do practice problems but not often

47. do you rewrite your notes at home after class, or do you just use the ones you have already? why? 

i rewrite them because it helps me memorize things

48. what are your least favorite courses and why?

math of any kind! i also hate biology right now just because my professor sucks

49. are you in a relationship while in school? if so, why? if not, why? 

i recently got out of a relationship, but im open to being in a relationship with someone

50. if you are in a relationship, how do you manage that along with your studies? 

it was very hard to manage it honestly, but i did what i could to make time, even if it was only just having a meal together. 

51. if you aren’t in a relationship, do you plan on entering one while still in school? explain. 

if i find the right person, yea! being in relationsips is great, especially because you have a companion to help you when you’re struggling

52. do you worry about GPA, if so why, if not why?

oh my god yes i do. i have to have a certain GPA to keep my scholarship money and to stay in the honors program, plus i just want to do well.

53. did you or do you plan to take the SAT or ACT, how did you feel about the exams? did you study for them? have you taken it more than once?

i did take both the SAT and ACT. i did well on each, but the SAT was a lot harder for me. I got a 1220(i think) on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. i took the ACT twice

54. did you or do you plan to take the GRE, LSAT, PCAT, MCAT, DAT (or any other grad exam)? how did it go? how are you or how did you study for it? have you taken it more than once? 

i’m going to take the MCAT

55. do you or did you take AP classes is high school? how do you feel about how they prepared you for college? did your school require you to take the exam?

yes i did take AP classes! i took 9 total, and they overall did help me learn how to manage time better as well as how to study. we weren’t required to take the exams, but i always did

56. do you or did you do the IB program in high school? can you explain it more for those who are unfamiliar with it? 

i did not, however the IB program is basically an intensive high school honors program that is very writing intensive. its like AP on steroids

57. do your or did you take dual-enrollment classes? how did you feel about how they prepared you for college? 

i didnt but i wish i did!

58. how many colleges or universities did you apply to or not? and why?

i applied to 5 colleges. i already knew where i wanted to go, but i wanted to be safe just in case i didnt get in, so i applied to the 5 i was most interested in. I also wanted to see if any other schools would give me a lot more financial aid.

59. how did you make friends in college or high school?

through band! in both situations

60. has your friend group stayed the same throughout your time in school?

yes actually! i’m still very close to all my high school friends and a few of them go to my college as well. of course i’ve met new people but i. also still have the same friends

61. how does your friend group influence your goals?

we all have our own goals, we just encourage each other and act as an outlet for stress

62. what is your favorite thing to learn about in your free time?

music and current events

63. what is your favorite study snack?

i like to eat carrots/pretzels with hummus or oreos

64. what is one thing that can completely make you stop studying? 

being depressed or tired

65. are there days during the week that you keep completely free from studying? 

yes. wednesdays are my hell days class-wise, so i refrain from doing work on those days after my classes are over

66. what do you do when you have to hustle? where do you go? 

i dont know what this means

67. are your parents or family supportive of your goals? if so how does this affect you? 

they’re very supportive!

68. do you like to read? and do you ever have any free time to do so?

i really love reading but i never have time

69. do you wear a watch? why or why not? what kind? 

nope, they annoy me

70. do you like to drink coffee or tea when working? decaf? what do you add to it? why do you like to drink coffee or tea? 

coffee with full caffeine! i always add creamer, and i drink it because it wakes me up 

71. how do you organize your notes after your finish writing them? 

i have notebooks for every class and binders as well

72. what do you do with your notes after the year or semester is over?

i either recycle them if they won’t be necessary anymore or i keep them in my closet

73. what are your favorite studyblrs?

studyign, emmestudies, and a lot more that i can’t think of

74. what are your favorite studygrams?

same as above except add on focusign and revisign!

75. what is the biggest impact a teacher or a professor has had on you?

my band director was very impactful on my life just because he was my teacher for 5 years, so we had a good relationship

76. what is the biggest impact that a class has had on you?

my film and lit class had a massive impact on me. it made me think in very different ways

77. who is your inspiration and who do you look up to academic wise and career wise? 

my dad inspires me a lot because he worked so hard to find a career he loved and kept going until he got there. he’s also endlessly supportive of me

thats it! this took me so long hahaha anyway. thanks for reading!

[realmzenith]

elaina ! :)

lays down, mai ily. anyways?? someone pls save elaina she Needs help

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?fairly long?? but not super long it’d make her anxious. maybe twenty minutes. it’d be a different story if it was a life or death thing tho obv

How easy is it for your character to laugh?difficult. from one to ten w one being v easily she’s like a 7. but for full uninhibited laughter it’s a solid 9. she mostly smiles and when she does laugh it’s at the dumbest things

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)she’ll lurk on instagram or think which are honestly both bad ideas for her bc instagram makes her depressed bc her social life sux and thinking makes her depressed bc she’s pessimistic and tends to overthink EVERYTHINg. however sometimes she’ll be smart abt it and read a book or look at plant pics or space which will more often than not successfully allow her to relax and get some shut eye

How easy is it to earn their trust?HM not too difficult prbly a 3 if ur nice to her and ur not a complete idiot- ok well. just if ur nice to her bc she literally falls in love w josie an idiot in her storyline

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?moderately difficult she has a hard time accepting that the ppl she trusts are capable of wronging her and usually assumes it was smth she did. she’s kind of an idiot like that so yk :) she’s prbly a 6 on that one? if we’re also accounting for the ppl she moderately trusts. however if we’re only talking abt the ppl she genuinely completely trusts it’s like an 8. she’s not COMPLETELy stupid but still p stupid abt relationships

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?rules should be followed. she accepts them as a given and that they will be followed as a given. it’ll srsly throw off her game if someone starts blatantly disobeying the law in front of her even if it is just a nominal thing

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?she’s not a v emotional person? she does feel deeply but hmm i suppose she is fairly nostalgic. certain melodies played on the guitar would prbly be one of the bigger triggers. her mom used to play and she and her dad would sing like dorks but they?? kind of dont do it anymore and she misses it but she isn’t sure how to ask to do it again. it’s the same w disney movies. they don’t watch them as a fam as much as they used to anymore but they still do on occasion! as for enjoying it she doesn’t rlly like nostalgia?? but she lets herself fall into it frequently

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?she was constantly told to talk to the other kids. she’s never been v social or good w ppl as she prefers her small group of ppl she knows and is comfortable w plus she’s an only child so she’s always been forced to socialize esp in casual settings

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?not super frequently. she does say damn bc that’s just the classic xstj swear word, her first she remembers v distinctly. it was “bitch” and completely her older cousin’s fault

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?she lowkey feels like her entire life is a lie? she’s a smart gal and gets good grades easily. she’s close to the top of her class and is considered one of the smart kids. but she herself is convinced she’s painfully mediocre and despite her other talents and unique personality traits she’s like :) im sorry for lying to u all i actually have zero interesting qualities and am a drag but ofc she never voices that bc lbr insecurity? ugly and she doesn’t want to lose the few friends she does have bc she dumped her fears on everyone else. she is, as i said, a Mess

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?she almost always pretends she understands but if she doesn’t feel like there’ll be negative consequences to asking for clarification and she’s feeling confident she’ll bluntly ask the other person to clear things up for her esp in a business type setting such as school projects, etc. it’s situational but socially speaking? she’ll pretend until she Dies

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?ask nico to get it or just struggle for ages to try to get it herself

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?she likes green and black but thinks she looks p drab in most things. in all actuality she prbly does look sharpest in black but yellow makes her look super cute, brings out a softer side of her. dark green is also flattering on her

What animal do they fear most?hm prbly eels esp electric eels. they freak her out for no particular reason. otherwise, she likes most animals and doesn’t mind most bugs

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?she does usually think before she speaks. on the extreme she’ll turn over a phrase abt ten times in her mind before even considering speaking it aloud but that’s rare and only in high stress situations. despite the fact that she does think before she speaks she’s very blunt abt most things. lay it out like it is and all. embellishing sentences or softening her statements is smth she rarely does as she finds it inefficient 

What makes their stomach turn?reckless behavior she HATES when ppl do stupid risky crap in front of her she finds it very unnecessary and anxiety inducing

Are they easily embarrassed?oh yes absolutely

What embarrasses them?everything. anything. her existence. ppl flirting w her. her parents. being teased. being incompetent. being singled out for anything. lots of things :)

What is their favorite number?she likes the number 60. no reason in particular it’s just a nice number. cue her friend, nico in the back yelling SIXTY???? MORE LIKE SEXY

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?oh oof dont talk to her about love it throws her for an existential crisis. hm but if srsly asked this she’d prbly say smth like “familial love is smth we’re rarely allowed to choose. platonic is more logical and circumstantial, and romantic is a combination of the two in the sense that it’s ur heart’s choice to begin and ur mind’s to continue.”

Why do they get up in the morning? society dictates that in order for an individual to contribute meaningfully to the world, you must get up by 7 am and do whatever lot’s been handed to you. thus she, as a good functioning member of society, gets up in the mornings and drives to school day in and day out as fate has dictated her duty to be

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? erratic. she’ll act strangely and become more distant. if it continues for long enough she’ll eventually snap at whoever’s nearest and asking what’s up w her

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? it makes her sad tbh sldkfjlkj she’s like welp.. this is the lot i’ve been given if i don’t accept it that’s my problem. then she keeps her head up and carries on

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? she prefers not to talk abt sex. she’d be v confused if someone brought up the topic of sex casually tho she isn’t SUPER squeamish abt discussing it it’s just?? unprofessional so why would u? ofc w her s/o she would be more than willing to discuss it in order to smooth out questions or misunderstandings before yk. actually. doing the sex

What are their thoughts on marriage? marriage to her is one of the pillars of society, and while she respects people who don’t want to get married, for herself she views it a checkbox on her list of things she needs to do before she dies. it’s?? like she sort of has a timeline and marriage is on the list of things that need to happen sometime in her twenties. she believes marriage should be a mutually beneficial union based on love and respect and believes that along w family units it’s a wonderful invention. however, despite all of this she kind of doubts she’ll ever get married bc she’s like who would date me lbr here :) and while simultaneously seeking after marriage she’s resigned herself to becoming an eventual crazy old cat lady

What is their preferred mode of transportation? she prefers bullet trains. efficient, usually comfortable, she doesn’t have to drive- what more could you want? she’s also fond of walking if a place is close by. helps her chill

What causes them to feel dread? the feeling that a relationship is falling apart and the divide between herself and the other person is growing. the little things like not waiting for the other person after class or “forgetting” to mention another thing about their day- the small things that point to a relationship breaking down. if there’s one thing she hates more than unnecessary conflict and having to just end things then and there it’s watching things slowly fall apart. that is extremely dread inducing in her opinion

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? if u asked her? she’d say she prefers the truth. in reality? she prefers the lie. she internalizes things and oftentimes “unpleasant truths” can weigh her down for ages. frequently enough to note, she’ll allow herself to continue in ignorance rather than accept the reality of the truth which she’ll sort of know she’s doing but just push to the back of her mind in order to avoid the panic that comes with actually confronting the problem. ignorance is bliss and all. nevertheless, in the long run and in hindsight, she prefers the truth as ripping off the bandaid proves easier than pulling out misplaced stitches one by one

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? she doesn’t come close. she has very lofty ideals to which she holds both herself and others around her. she wants to be someone who’s looked up to as strong. she values efficiency, honesty, reliability and genuinely good motives as well as charisma, passion and confidence. she’s doing alright with the first few but the last three are debatable. she’s passionate about v select things and her confidence levels looks like a heartrate monitor

Who do they most regret meeting? herself. she regrets gaining sentience

Who are they the most glad to have met? josie ;) but nico and ale are close seconds

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? nope what’s a Conversation? what’s a Joke? she doesnt know them :)

Could they be considered lazy? that’s a no. she works extremely hard and nearly always carries through. it’s partially her nature and partially a way for her to “make up” for her perceived lack of talents

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? extremely difficult but w time she eventually can esp when given the right type of support

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? that’s. a hard one. she IS technically supportive but that’s only when she recognizes how much the thing means to the other person and she’s honestly rlly bad at reading these kinds of situations, so it’s rare that she actually does. she’ll kinda be like wtf but if she doesn’t recognize the other person is genuinely excited and invested in the thing she’ll do her best to give her own brand of awkward support 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?she’ll pursue a romantic interest if enough proof that it’s plausible is given but it’s rare that she gets enough “proof” for this to happen. generally speaking, she kind of pushes her desire for romance down. she’ll worry abt it later or at least until josie shows up eyes emoji

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? not rlly? she’ll just go thru things multiple times she’s not the most innovative person when it comes to things like this. route memorization is her go to 

What memory do they revisit the most often?;) depends on where in the storyline we’re talking but post story defo the time when she and josie went hiking w some of their other friends and when they reached the summit of the mountain the clouds were beneath the peak n completely coating the sky. it looked like a carpet of clouds, like another world and they shared a bit of a Moment. the little things are what elaina rlly cherishes

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?difficult she’s a bit of a critical person. she’s also not the most tactful when it comes to emotional intelligence related situations so ppl will likely find out she does see those flaws in them if they stick around long enough

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?not SO much but she does take things to heart. she’s sort of?? accepted her perceived mediocrity and general dullness but she’s in no way ceasing to attempt to change other things abt herself. so she’ll seemingly take criticisms in stride but they’ll stick w her when she’s Overthinking

How do they feel about children? kids are? good? she likes kids. as for having them, she’s considered it some and she thinks she might like to. at the same time, she also thinks she’d make a terrible parent- too harsh, bad w comfort, easily stressed. in all reality, she’d be better than most ppl as one esp after gaining a bit of confidence

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? rn the goal is graduating and she wants that fairly badly but she doesn’t particularly doubt her ability to achieve it. after that, it’s getting a good job which she also doesn’t overtly doubt as a certainty so yes she does want it but it’s not?? SUPEr concerning except when she begins to doubt her abilities and if she’ll ever feel like her life is fulfilling 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? she’s lesbian. she’d say it means she’s attracted to women 

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?baby. she’s gonna find loveB) What inspired you to create them?love, simon! i wanted to write a cute lesbian high school romance so thus josie and elaina were bornC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?nope!D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?nope again! she used to be full korean but now she’s half korean and half scandinavian! i think she used to be taller too she’s 5′5″ nowE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?there are some aspects of each other that would get on the other’s nerves. like i dont think she’d appreciate the wonky outbursts i sometimes have and i’d get annoyed by her lack of social tact/annoyance at the world even tho i lowkey share those traits but otherwise i think we’d get along p well! i think i’d find her cute and i think she’d like my perceived confidence. we share a similar rationality as wellF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?empathy she’s a big mood tbh and also i want her to be happy G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?her lack of emotional intelligence. while i like blunt and logic oriented ppl it’d get slightly frustrating after a while to be around someone who’s a lil oblivious to social/emotional cues even if that’s a moodH) What trait do you admire most?her humble diligence. i have to complain twice as much as her to get half the things she gets done doneI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?i think she’d ALSO do great in a sci fi universe. ha maybe i need to give these kids a sci fi au verseJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly no!

[wandering-around-the-world8]

Ireland Day 2

WARNING: Unnecessary emotional rambling. Skip ahead to read about the actual place. Today was better than yesterday, obviously. But now I’m just barely functioning. I didn’t wake up till 3 pm today (combo of yesterdays high stress, jet lag, and 3 hours of sleep on a plane) and I couldn’t convince myself to get out of bed till 4 pm. I had wanted to go on a walk down to the bay. But I couldn’t do it. I could barely leave my room without being overwhelmed with anxiety. Then I get back to my room and I’m consumed with disappointment in myself because I’m in friggin in Ireland and I’m not seeing it and I’m not doing what would make me happy and I’m trash. Then I scold myself for sleeping till 3, not getting out of bed till 4, and then taking too long to get dressed.Then I’m in constant dread of seeing my dad or stepmom because I feel like I have to act a certain way and they’re going to notice if I’m acting different but I should be fine now since we know the cause of the seizures and know it’s not life threatening. Now I feel like crap because I’m in a dream vacation spot and all I can do is ramble about shit on the internet. Ill give you a run down of yesterday. I was the only one there for the first seizure and in both cases I was the one who had to remain calm and collected and get shit done. Now I was raised in a family where they instilled the idea that in emergency situations they would always be there for support. I learned yesterday that my dad is USELESS in emergency situations. Not his fault I know, but it knocked a core foundation I had learned all my life onto its ass. Also his response is panicked shouting and screaming at me to do something and trying to leave me in charge while he goes and waits for the ambulance making me the main person responsible to keep the sick person alive. The whole thing really did a number on my mind. After the first seizure I had managed to calm myself and tell myself that its not likely ill be put in a situation like that again and if I do I know how to handle it better (which was true, but it didn’t stop the level of panic when it did happen) So right as I’d finally calmed myself, the second seizure happened and my dad panicked worse because there was blood since she had bitten her tongue the first time and opened the wound when it happened. So round two caught me off guard so badly and I’ve been on edge ever since. It’s like walking through one of those Halloween haunted houses where the monsters jump out at you. I’m just waiting for the bad thing to happen or the panic to set in. I walk downstairs and I can hear my dad panicking and screaming my name and to do something. I look out the downstairs window and my heart races as I scan the roads for an ambulance. I walk through the hall and I see flashes of my stepmom’s body seizing up. It’s like there’s an echo the day left behind.

And this is all happening on top of my usual general and social anxiety. I feel like I have to be strong and be normal instead of doing stuff I want because I know my dad will question it. Even if I got myself outside to the beach I’d be consumed by anxiety based on judgement or that my dad would start questioning what was going on with me. I tried to tell him that I don’t process stress the way he or most people do, but I couldn’t stop the panic enough to form coherent sentences. Im also feeling guilty that I’m glad the hospital is keeping my stepmom for another night, possibly two for treatment because I know when she comes back I’ll feel the urge to check on her every 5 minutes. Im currently looking out my bedroom window and each time I see a car that looks like the one we rented, my heart races with anxious dread knowing that my dad is coming back and that I can’t relax and I have to interact and be fine and social. Being alone is not something my dad understands and he thinks someone who wants to be alone means they’re upset or unhappy. He’s also very emotional and wants to talk about feelings and I do not. My poor therapist knows this better than anyone. Expressing my personal emotions and feelings (with the exception of anonymous internet ramblings) freak me the fuck out. I want to sit on the porch, but between the anxiety of being downstairs and the fear my dad will ask what I’m typing or try and socialize with me is too much (I am an awful daughter tbh) so instead I’m sitting on this nifty window seat in my room with the window open. Long story short ,here I am, complaining when I should be grateful I even got to come to Ireland. I feel like an awful human.

Okay enough emotions.

START READING HERE FOR REGULAR STUFF

It really is beautiful here. I can see the bay from my bedroom window and the ocean from the kitchen window. The ocean is about 4 miles away, but the bay is at the bottom of the hill. It looks like it’s made of dark gemstones from the way it sparkles in the sunlight. Everyone said it would rain the whole time I was here (not that I would mind, I love rainy weather), but it’s been sunshine both days and clear at night. Oh my god you guys the stars! It’s so clear here and the stars are so bright and there are so many! I only got to see them for a moment last night when we got home from the hospital and I hope I can sneak downstairs after everyone goes to sleep to see them again. The town I’m in is magical. It’s set on rolling hills of bright green and there are farm animals everywhere. The sheep next door come right up to the fence and the neighbors behind us have sheep, chickens, and cows. The homes are all white or a pale color and they all have dark roofs. There are always boats on the bay as well. I can see three from my window. The place we’re staying in is about halfway up a hill and the view is incredible. Pictures won’t do it justice. Oh! I also met a dog who is apparently a neighborhood or town dog. She helped calm me down as I waited for the ambulance the second time. I haven’t seen her today, but I hope I get to before I leave. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll go on that walk and maybe she’ll be there. That’s all for now. Lets see if I can work up the confidence to go to the pub with my dad. His friends are playing there tonight and they have infectious levels of joy.

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Everything that used to trigger me via /r/selfimprovement

Everything that used to trigger me

gap year clean up operation

by topic 1) family 2) internet 3) habits 4) education 5) music 6) relationships 7) sex 8) ambitions 9a) people being triggered by me 9b) people liking me (both + takeaways) 10) exam failure from 'narcissism' 11) my happiness 12) happiness in relationships 13) self sabotage/not reaching full potential 14) peak culture 15) mania/bipolar 16) attitudes against mainstream/dissatisfaction 17) trolling 18) lack of pride in myself or friends 19) being an alpha male 😈 20) dysfunctional behaviour 21) fake false flags to reinforce a victim mentality

1) family trigger points . My mum plays jazz fm loudly in the kitchen. shes insensitive to my desire to practice the piano in peace in an environment that facilitates my development. My dad hates me. My brother hates me. I had a sexual relationship with a boy who was the son of a family friend at 14 and his mum found out by walking in and told my mum. She loves me yet as Christians she's appaled as is my father who is a priest. I feel too ashamed of my sexuality and having sex which negatively impacts my life. My mother is a lovely personality but is stressed and anxious. My father ditto, I find him ignorant, he can't communicate or manage interpersonal relationships. His disjointed mannerisms derive from social anxiety. In my mothers view, the family is ruined because of my younger brother. He'd always run around the house disinhibited, and come onto my mother, strangers, etc (he's autistic so doesn't understand). Obviously the family is fucked beyond repair. My parents only mission in life is posting shit on Facebook as would be activists for a free Russia or some bs. Most of their friends are online, they have low functioning lifestyles, don't understand love and see the world through a 100% academic worldview. None of my acheivements were ever good enough for them, etc

2) im an addict more or less. my desire to use twitter originated in pay per click advertising. i was broke i got followers etc also i was mad at 'clout' people then i went to some events in canary wharf reinvented the operation as real estate based in the city from a virtual adress it functioned perfectly got retreats from battersea city council, other quite well respected accounts found it fascinating how it was taken seriously went a bit far starting using the medium to solely communicate with a network and reason with them while triggering everyone else with no immunity. the inspiration was my inner child whom by all accounts was quite egotistical then use ig for girls and friends i guess ig would trigger me because the clout is fake linkedin for visualisation tbh i got caught up and it started accumulating power etc used fb for piano tuition fucking triggered by fb, useless imo . 3) habits awful bad diet, water, no gym, sports no piano no part time job no relationships not seeing anyone just addicted to online . 4) triggered by being educated as it was outside my model bathed in ignorance disputed with maths and french and music and piano . 5) i want the coolest most developed chords i dont even care for the expression spontaneity creativity i just want the most edgy/advanced chords i don't even reason out part writing or experience inherent joy from it . 6) dysfunctional anxiety ridden ignorant non sexual not transparent no social events no shared values no mutuals . 7) ashamed as said im gay? perhaps pansexual no clue im not attracted to girls it feels forced im gay i admit it logistically hard parents might cut off if they found out . 8) ridiculously huge delusional not funded by enough money weak networking . 9a) Yasmin girls all classes sixth form exam boards teachers . 9b) yomi sees potential and feels contrived sympsthy for me same with mutazz both dont truly know me but love for them etc ditto w al dhillon knows nothing about me no friends know anything about me, I'm a loner by choice to protect myself . 10) couldn't deal with being in the same room as people i thought were less then me was angry took out on exams lol . 11) no clue how to be happy love? . 12) non existent no clue

13) im gay so thats a start haha self sabotage my public portrayal amongst close friends Sabotage my own education bipolar/mania lol Sabotage my musical expression Sabotage my popularity (for being woke?) lol annoyed at fake insta clout annoyed at how friends like sam saw me as an outsider instead of the other way round lol eh nah take that back different cliques much love . 14) i listen to crap instead of 'high culture' such as Beethoven symphonies idk my piano repetoire

15) legit manic episodes bipolar i consultation indefinitely . 16) im a legend in terms of my perception yet im embarrassed I'm not confident i dont follow through a gap year basically failure to aaa probably Warwick mfl when i could have been Oxbridge (with hard sincere work) eh . but then again It is all about me the self styled maverick Benedict gets the mission a shit uni would be a troll gp shit/aaa/ Russell g/ucl i mean it would look better but interpersonal perception and communication are so manipulated i could probably make an Oxford degree on ms Paint and pass it off or be the bossman of rcm or Warwick mfl/adjustment I guess lol like e corp guy im the most powerful guy in the room but i fucked it bc hussey has superior expertise and i kinda need to be subservient to the exam boards loool whoops . * Im too strong willed pass off as bipolar a*aa hope for the best through adjustment keep interpersonal communication doctrine calm af . 17) i have trolled before it was nasty but im past that perhaps some light sarcasm thats all kindness love . be honest about my mischief it can't be made up so will get away with it . 18) not good have pride in al yomi mutazz everyone so far in my life endless relationships andthe future . 19) loool i don't buy that shit . i believe were the sum of our choices nothing is definitive only the present moment defines us in my opinion so failure in the past generally speaking is irrelevant never judge

20) not working etc doing the work for a*aa bc the perfectly valid reasoning was being rejected by me as it fell outside my model . 21) yeah i make excuses not to be accepted and respected as expected (flourish) because i like being the victim .

Submitted September 18, 2018 at 12:57AM by dopamineway via reddit https://ift.tt/2pdkCYu

[hamlacey]

a mess for english class

Your Response to Cuckoo’s Nest Free Write

Take 10-15 uninterrupted minutes as soon as you finish the novel to free write a response. Write, write, write. At least one whole page, single-spaced 12pt Times New Roman font. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or organization right now. Just write freely!

Start here:

uhh ok this is gonna be a MESS OKAY?? i have lots of thoughts so this is going to be a stream of consciousness! ok first off ,,, i dont understand?? the first part of pt 4 was hecka confusing but then they all started getting drunk and high on codeine?? im??? hwat was that freaking doctor (jk he was a watchman but still) doing?? how ??? im?? how did they sneak prostitutes in arent they illegal im so CONFUSEd also i feel so bad for billy like even big nurse was like lol men love sexy times how would you not like it uwu?? ok so even the nurse should know rape can be to anyone regardless of gender and i know that billy was enthusiastic about it but peer pressure exists and i am PEEVED AS HELL!!!! also like. when did bromden get so comfortable talking and how did i not see this happen omfggg. also i saw that harding like took over and then MCMURPHY CAME BACK WITH A LOBOTOMY I YELLED OKAY like i did not see that coming at all ?? the nurse forced that on him pretty much?? he specifically said he thought that was too far and she just went “yeet” n did it?? im pretty sure they need permission to do that smh! i am yelling okay! i don’t understand how this much happened without intervention tbh like that freaking doctor wait his name like turkle is he the doctor or a patient i dont remember?? yeah whatever hes a freakin. matey dude he just kinda went w it all?? the mans of the hour okay yeah hes a night watchman im freakin dead i cant believe hejust kinda went w it bc he wanted to smoke weed w the dudes im YEll ? sorry this is iterally a stream of consciousness! im still so confused as to why the prostitutes were like totally into the dudes ? like holding their hands and planning trips w them and stuff okay thtat confuses me was it all an act or did they actually like billy n randle lmao ??  ookay next thing at the end bromden just up n leaves and how the HECkums did he do that?? i thin that sso coo he just kinda got up once he realized he could live without mcmurphy deadass after he KILLED him he suffocated his jesus oof and by the way by his jesus i mean mcmurphy bc hes like. the Man for bromden ya feel.. also my qusetions for this book are like. does bromden realize this is lowkey racism like the whole shutting him down and ppl not listening to him is like bc of his race bc it originates w that okay im confused as heck ok also like bromden is lowkey ace & homoromantic yall realize right he likes dudes but not Like That lmao ?? like he says in pt 3 i think it is that hes not a HOMO but he likes to look at dudes idk that sounds kinda gay to me ! ok i feel so bad for that doctor who walked in on billy’s deathlike that s TRAUMATIZING (trigger warning im talking about how billy died) dude he walked in on someone with a slit neckc i dont know ho wi would be able to function after that holy heckkkk oof! also i want to know why the other acutes were suddenly able to just leave?? how was mcmurphy so influential on them to the point of recovery?? OH WAIT were they never really needing to be in there and they were suddenly able to recognize that and leave? also wait isnt mixing SSRIs/medication for MI’s and alcohol & other drugs like REALly not good?? considering theyre probably taking meds like zoloft n stuff? or were they not taking modern medicines hm… i’m still a little confused hmm like i know that one dude started seizing (i think at least) also why did they not give him the medicine smh! whyd they just pour it all over him?is he ok? did he die why was that not followed up on? also i kinda dont like the fact that it ended with everyone magically better bc honey that is not how mental illness works theres a reason mayo clinic lists them as chronic wait here one sec so social anxiety is super common and thats chronic which means all the other ones are chronic as well so how are the patients all kinda able to just. leave? i know you can be mentally ill but out of a hospital oH was mcmurphy the only commited patient? i get it okay. did the nurse hear bromden ever talk? hm. are there any patients that despise each other? im listening to what is this feeling? from wicked because my parents are watching a movie and i want to focus on this and it made me think-- do yall think any patients HATE mcmurphy ? or bromden, for being close to mcmurphy or something? does billy hate his life before he gets humiliated by big nurse? does he hate mcmurphy? huh i am Thonking! ok im done :)  thanks for reading my thoughts on cuckoo’s nest woo

[ramle17-18]

week 1

well! i’ve already written several journal entries about this past week, but the website i was using to write them deleted them :) thousands of words! isn’t that exciting. so i’m gonna summarize the first week here and then continue using this blog, i guess, because even though this website is literal hell at least it (usually) saves posts lol

SO

i landed last friday (sept 1) and stayed with rachel and david garber. they were incredibly sweet to me even though i did pretty much nothing other than sleep or hide in my room and read. at one point we visited a monastery nearby in modi’in, which was beautiful! also jet lag is a bitch

the program started monday, so that’s when i moved into my house and met everyone. it’s actually a pretty sizeable house! we could have probably almost double as much space if there wasn’t so much storage from the program, tbh, but it’s ok because the other groups are all living in apartments, many of them with more than 6 people. so it’s cool.

there are 6 of us, 5 girls and 1 guy:

rachel - very very sweet! kind of like. a naive liberal with p infuriating politics, but she’s incredibly nice. kinda like dorky and awkward sometimes but in a very endearing way (also like aren’t we all lol)

sultana - sultana is so cool lmfao. she’s pretty and smart and has family from all over the world and has been all over the world and has done so many cool things! also some odd politics but like. whatever

marleigh - i love marleigh she’s so laid-back and chill and sweet and fun to be around!! she never learned the alef bet so i’ve been helping her, and she’s picking it up really quickly

madeleine - a purple-haired vegan lesbian with an “animal rights is a feminist issue” sticker on her water bottle. very much like a Tumblr Person. she’s incredibly kind and her girlfriend has been hanging out with us all week and i love them both and they’re adorable

matt - he’s like 28 and can be kind of an asshole sometimes but never toward us. he’s been super nice and funny and helpful around the house and stuff

and then me!

so somehow i managed to score the single room, which is honestly a godsend because i don’t know how i would survive without it. i really was unsure how i was going to deal with being overwhelmed and needing alone time and stuff, and that was one of my biggest sources of anxiety for this program. but everyone seems cool with it (matt has his own room too obviously) and also when i mention that ive never lived not at home, i have anxiety, etc, they all seem happy for me that i have the single so that im able to be a little more comfortable :)

-

tuesday was destination israel orientation, and basically we just went to a place in bat yam and poorly mingled and then had to introduce ourselves in front of everyone and it was just bleh. i was stuck standing by myself a few times, or otherwise following rachel around. i don’t know how to be social lmfao i’m gonna have to work on that

-

wednesday we did a walking tour of ramla’s old city, which was really beautiful. we started in a little museum and then walked through the road of the old city (and passed a building where napolean stayed for a night or two!) and then saw the white tower (and climbed all 121 steps up to the top) and the pool of arches, which was awesome.

and then this guy david leichman came for dinner. he’s a friend of jerry kaye’s, i found out, which kind of didn’t surprise me based on the way he talked. he just kind of...rambled about his philosophies on life for like over an hour and seemed very self-important lmao. but it was whatever. everyone else kind of seemed to be hanging on his every word but i was like eh

-

thursday we visited the center where we’ll be tutoring kids in english and also doing our ulpan and pedagogical training. and then thursday night we went to samir’s and i actually got drunk!

before we went to dinner i had a conversation about politics with marleigh and sultana, and ending up revealing that i’m a leftist before revealing that i’m a lesbian lmfao

and then yeah at samir’s they gave us a free shot of lemon vodka so i took it and ended up taking 2 more, and i didn’t even get nauseous! so i was a nice level of drunk but definitely still functional, and everyone seemed to love drunk jami. 

i ended up telling sultana that i’m a lesbian and then also telling madeleine’s gf and then madeleine, which felt good. it was actually a super fun night.

-

friday sultana marleigh and i went to the beach in tel aviv! it was stunning and soooo nice, but i ended up getting pretty badly sunburned even though i put on sunscreen like 4 times. the salt of the mediterranean was a little much and i hate getting sand everywhere but that’s just what it is.

after the beach on the way home we stopped at one of the shuks in tel aviv, and i got a pair of those light airy middle eastern long pants which i’m incredibly excited to wear.

and then for dinner nurit invited us to her apartment! there was SOOOOOOOOOO much food, it was insane.

nurit and her sister had invited some couples as well, and one of the guys is from nigeria, so we were sitting and talking to him about america for a bit. naturally i ended up ranting about income inequality and classism and stuff and they were so surprised when we talked about like, how expensive education is, food deserts, the opportunities denied to poor people and subsequent blame of poor people for their problems, etc.

and at one point i was like “yeah in america rich people hate poor people” and rachel was like “well that’s not true, not every single rich person does” and then i almost jumped off the (beautiful) 16th floor balcony.

dinner was delicious but there was so fucking much food that i ended up feeling nauseous all night. potentially because i ate some spicy fish. it was so good though i couldn’t turn it down lmao. but they just kept bringing out course after course and people kept trying to persuade me to eat more, and i’m proud to say that i held my ground! not that i really had any other choice bc if i had eaten more i genuinely think i would’ve thrown up.

-

it’s saturday morning so i’ll probably wait to write tonight’s entry, but idk what i’m planning on doing today. probably nothing.

i had a vivid dream about cameron last night which really fucking sucks. every so often i’ll have a really sweet and intimate and tender dream about him and i wake up feeling so uncomfortable and confused. in the dream i was literally identifying as a lesbian and was like “hm well maybe not” because of him and it was so awful lol. i hate him and i hate what he did to me and i hate that i still dream about him or think about him even though he’s literally such an awful person. like he wants to join the navy i hate him and if i met him now instead of in high school i would still hate him so @ brain what the fuck are you doing!!!!!!