#my anxiety has always been a little different to the dsm one tho like. it doesn’t talk to me

[anarchofairy]

kinda starting to feel like my anxiety is some sort of spiritual problem rather than a mental health one. like i’ve been in therapy for years and the sharper edges of the disorder have been filed off, but at the core of my being there is just this fear that pervades everything. my therapist doesn’t think i’d meet the criteria for sad/gad/etc anymore, and i don’t relate to the dsm list as much as i did. but like, the fear is still there. i don’t think therapy is gonna be able to touch this one (being said with around four and a half years experience with the process and a genuinely good therapist). the fear comes from somewhere else, and it doesn’t present like a thing i can fight with my brain. the therapy helped - it really did- but i just don’t think i can find the answer in that sphere, i think it’s given me all it can for now. does anyone know what i mean?

[pink-enby-in-distress]

I posted 1,704 times in 2021

80 posts created (5%)

1624 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 20.3 posts.

I added 45 tags in 2021

#actuallyadhd - 7 posts

#chronic pain - 6 posts

#adhd - 6 posts

#nonbinary - 5 posts

#vent - 4 posts

#trans - 4 posts

#toxic mother - 4 posts

#? - 3 posts

#actuallyneurodivergent - 3 posts

#actually autistic - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 130 characters

#n i feel like those ppl that do live off their land doing whatever they want without having to work for someone else are 98% white

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

so, i think, im pretty sure? im Autistic. I looked at the DSM-5, highlighted my traits. Looked at camoflauging tactics, or ways afab Autistic people often mask, highlighted my ways. Looked at differences in AFAB Autistic people, higlighted my things. Ive had these traite since I was a lot younger (im only 15 so like, since at least 4-5 is when i remember). Ive always been "weird", n it was like everyone else always has the directions, and i was the only one without. N then, some tiktoks about underdiagnosed ASD in women caught my interesttt.

i have a therapist! that i can ask to get professionally diagnoseddd. but i dont,, wanna do thattt. bc i dont want my mom to immensely refuse the fact that i might be. And ik the rest of my family will too. Like she did for 2 years until my previous therapist called her ass out, and i started failing school this year- also, i dont feel comfortable enough to tell my new therapist yet, i think im gonna wait a bit. a few more sessions? maybe til im 17-18.

So for now, im just gonna self diagnose, like i did for ADHD for 2 years, before i finally got officially diagnosed. bc idek if i want that on my records bc ik,, ppl can fuck me over bc ik if i get that diagnosis,, n ik a fuck ton of stuff is gonna changeee. and im not ready for that

(If you have any links n sites for me to do more research, pls feel free to send me some or reply!! im still kinda feelin bad about this so,, more confirmation before i go to my psychologist would help:)

9 notes • Posted 2021-04-24 20:40:54 GMT

#4

i dont like a lot of my adhd (well tbh mostly the rapid mood swings and rsd)

but the intense happiness is nice:) idk if it's the fact that im just,, happy,, or bc i think bc im so happy if i was with another person id be sharing that happiness.

but it's nice to hear one part of a song that makes you see stars or rewinding something over and over again bc it just makes you giggle that much. or because that was the best book youve ever read and now you have to go on a research high. or how that video was s o good you just have to do a little dance and maybe some vocal stims bc how could you not.

sometimes it gets too much,, bc it can feel like it's bursting out. it's s o intense it might be nervewracking. not painful, but yeah uncomfortable. your heart is so full and your chest is about to burst from how happy you are.

but for the most part,, i like it:)

10 notes • Posted 2021-06-21 12:20:23 GMT

#3

I just wanna be able to lock my door pls,,, it just makes me feel safe. can't i even do that? please?

11 notes • Posted 2021-07-14 13:56:41 GMT

#2

i would love to see more Autisic BF x ADHD GF n itd be Flint Lockwood and Sam Sparks pls and thank you

theres so much stuff n stories there- Ah they make me so happyy

29 notes • Posted 2021-04-17 13:27:28 GMT

#1

so my solution for my internalized ableism category: is it laziness (tho im trying not to use that word anymore w myself) or executive dysfunction?

ive decided,, if i can do it rn, i just dont feel like doing it, but i still need to so i will.

if i cannot do it, it is executive dysfunction. if i have tried, and i just cant and feel intense frustration, anxiety, and possibly exhausted, it's executive dysfunction

yes ik this is exactly the definition of executive dysfunction but it's only now clicking w me and im only now getting over it so shhhhhh alsjsjahsgsgdhgs

36 notes • Posted 2021-05-01 02:21:00 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[tiredbiplantlady]

bipolar ask posted by loloren69 

General:

1. Type 1 or type 2? 

I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I

2. Self-dx or professional dx? 

Self-suspected, professional confirmed 

3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?

Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping  

4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? 

I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.

5. When did you first start having symptoms? 

In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22) 

6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? 

I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania 

7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?

I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective. 

8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? 

LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10

9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder? 

Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here

10. Are any of your family members bipolar? 

Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo

11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. 

Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all. 

Hypo/mania:

12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? 

It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together

13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? 

I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past. 

14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? 

I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety. 

15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? 

Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am. 

16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? 

$200-300

17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 

Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week

18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? 

I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows. 

Depression:

19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? 

It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred. 

20. What has been your longest depressive episode? 

Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager 

21. How do you cope with depression? 

In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there

22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? 

It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14) 

23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? 

Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago) 

24. Have you ever self-harmed? 

YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex 

25. Have you had problems with substance abuse? 

Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately 

26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? 

No 

27. Have you ever attempted suicide? 

No 

28. Have you ever written a suicide note?

Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it. 

Other symptoms and treatment:

29. Do you ever dissociate? 

Y U P 

30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? 

No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only 

31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? 

Yes and yes 

32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? 

No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds

33. Have you ever been hospitalized? 

No, and I want to keep it that way 

34. Have you ever attended group therapy? 

No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha

35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? 

Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years 

36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? 

I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent  

37. Do you have a favorite coping method? 

What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick 

38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?

 No