#muse ;; douglas blackwood

[cursivebloodlines]

WHAT GENRE OF BOOK WERE YOU WRITTEN FOR, AND DID YOU SURVIVE TO THE END?

tagged by: @huntrcssqueen and @overnightheartbeats (thank you both, love you both <3)

tagging: whoever wants to do it because idk who's already done it and who hasn't! you, reading this! do it and say i tagged you! honestly!

DOUGLAS BLACKWOOD

Written for a romance book only for you to die in the arms of your lover

You are led by love to an extreme level. You are willing to do anything for whoever you love the most, either romantically or platonically. You don’t know how to focus on yourself, instead letting others control you. This is why you eventually die, but at least you’re still with your lover.

LYDIA COLLINS

Written for a mystery book to move the plot along, you had to survive

You enjoy thrills and the spark that they add to your life. If there weren’t those thrills then what’s the point of doing anything, right? You are a very curious person but you do know when to back off. Your problem is knowing who you are in the story. Are you the detective or the murderer? Who knows! It’s part of the mystery…

LOGAN CHADWICK

Written for an adventure book where you were killed during a battle

You live for whatever the next greatest thing may be. You don’t worry about the possible danger, instead only looking at the possibility of excitement and the great story you may be able to get out of this. You are a bit rash and don’t look before you leap, which is what ends up getting you killed in battle.

TESSA LOCKE

Written for a children’s book to live and tell a cute story

You are very sweet and very excitable. You love to explore and have fun. You also have a love of learning and somehow manage to learn a lesson each time you explore (imagine that). When you do go on one of your adventures, like in your book, you of course manage to make it home just before the sunsets in time for dinner.

AARON CARTER

Written for a mystery book specifically so you could be killed to set off the story

You are a very curious person, but not so good at remembering that “curiosity killed the cat”. You think you’re invincible at times which ends up being dangerous for yourself and sometimes others as well. You feel a bit stuck in the background, but at least your death is what started this whole story in the first place.

ZOE LANCASTER

Written for a horror book that you somehow make it to the end of

You don’t know how to rest but you really wish you could. After everything that you’ve been through in this story you want nothing more than to be able to let yourself relax. You have a good understanding of logic and tend to focus on that over your emotions. The good news is that its over. The killer isn’t chasing you anymore.

[cursivebloodlines]

For so many years, Dougie firmly believed the chapter of his adolescent years was well and truly closed. That Serena would forever simply be the one who got away. That she would be an afterthought, some questions of ‘what could have been’ if only he had the chance. Whenever his mind drifted back to those times, one might think they would of their first love. Well, in the minds of everyone who knew him, his ‘first love’ was supposed to be Taylor. But when his mind looked back on memories from the past, it wasn’t Taylor he thought of; it was Serena. And that said it all, didn’t it? His first love, a secret kept close to his heart for so many years, had always been her. She was his biggest question, his largest regret in the sense that he regretted not telling her how much he liked her. How her presence would light up every room she was in, that the highlight of his days were ones where he got to have an interaction of any kind with her. That he was gutted when her sister swapped him out for an upgrade, but only because it meant he no longer had an excuse to go to their house and see her. All the times he wanted to say it should have been you; it was you - it was always you. All these years later, Dougie always felt like he was missing something. Missed words, missed opportunities, missed her. His own cowardice let him lose his chance once, and now they were here and… God, he couldn’t bare the thought of making the same mistake. If you’re lucky enough to get a second chance to do what he couldn’t before, he couldn’t let it slip through his fingers again. Taken out of his thoughts by the sound of her voice once more, he instantly shook his head at the apology leaving her lips, waving it off like it didn’t matter. Because Serena didn’t have say sorry for anything. She had been right, it was him who was the idiot. The idiot for not thinking properly, for getting ahead. She didn’t deserve to feel bad because he was caught off guard. “No, you wasn’t at all. You were right. Please… you shouldn’t - don’t be sorry for that.”

So, where did this leave them? Where did they go from here? They’d established that neither of them wanted to pretend this never happened. What now? What next? Too many questions came and left his brain. Dougie struggled to concentrate, the music in the background faded into a muted white noise and… when did they stop dancing? Distractions, he was distracting himself from the inevitable, trying to ignore the way everything felt like it was closing in on them. What would become of him? Of them? “Okay,” Dougie finally sputtered, holding on to every word that left Serena’s mouth. No pretending, no tip toeing. What did it all mean? Did it mean they had a chance at exploring the what ifs? The what could have been…of what could still be. Was he reading too much into it? Maybe, maybe not. He didn’t want to misread the situation, was so paranoid about getting his wires crossed, of him not understanding her intentions. Serena deserved everything good that the world had to offer… and here she was, stood in front of him, declaring that she liked him then, that maybe she still liked him even now. He was hanging on to every word, unable to ignore the way his heartbeat raced as she said those words. I like you, Doug. Words he wanted to hear for so long, the hope of everything he ever wanted to hear rising up to the surface, brimming over the edge. Unable to resist the ocean of self doubts swimming around his already insecure head. Was he good enough for her? Dougie didn’t have the best track records of relationships, of which he always blamed himself. He thought Serena deserved the world. The thought of potentially tainting any thought up, dreamlike scenarios of them ever being a them…what if the imagination, fantastical version of him was better than the one in real life? What if he screwed this up? He excelled at that, making a mess of things. More often than not, it felt like it was all he was capable of. This… Her…It was too precious to him, felt like it was something so fragile and delicate, he feared ruining it. Then, the other, perhaps more rational part of him asked an important question: what if he didn’t ruin it? What if it was everything they ever wanted and more? What if this was meant to be? After all this time…what if she was everything he’d been searching for his entire life? It certainly would make things come full circle.

I really hope you like me back. Dougie became acutely aware of how they’d stopped dancing, even the swaying had been brought to a minimum now. The music in the background which simultaneously felt like it was too loud to think but yet too quiet, somehow…It was contradictionary, yes but it was hard to make sense of anything when his head was buzzing with this newfound information. That she liked him, that her friend was right and she liked him then and now and he liked her and…. And he needed to think coherently, and not running off ‘and and and’ after every single thought. Unsure as to whether he was meant to hear what followed from her mouth after, but it caught him off guard. It sounded almost like a…a plea to love her back? Please. She didn’t even need to ask, his eyes fixated on her like he was hypnotised, stuck in a trance. Dougie swallowed thickly, words leaving him. A gentle smile etched at the corners of his lips, his expression softening as he thought of the words to say. Could words ever be enough? One of his fingers found its way to a fallen strand of hair, letting it curl around it. His touch was so feather light as he tucked it behind her ear, his knuckle briefly skimming across her skin, lingering for a second or so before he retreated. “I think…” What did he think? “I think…I’m not the same guy I was back then and you should um, you should know that,” he started, pausing for a soft intake of breath, trying to articulate exactly what he wanted to say. But this was Dougie. When did words ever come out right? 

“That being said…I think - well, if what you’re saying is true - and if you still want to - then I think we’ve been waiting for this. Waiting for each other for a very long time -” he broke off into breathy laughter, taking a minute to just appreciate this. This moment. Her. Tugging his lower lip between his teeth, he let the fleeting laugh fade away as he took Serena in, wondering if she could hear how his heart beat erratically against his chest. He was worried it might just spring out. “We owe it to ourselves, don’t we? To see what we could be…” Dougie trailed off, fingertips finding hers as he took Serena’s hand in his, squeezing lightly.  “And I’d be an idiot to let this moment, this chance to slip through my fingertips once again.” He wondered whether his face was burning red, cheeks flushed because he definitely felt flustered. But his words were earnest, and he wished he could have said something sooner. A lot sooner. “So, what d’you reckon?”

Serena could only imagine what Taylor's and her parents' reaction would be to even seeing her dancing so close to Doug. Taylor would make a fuss willing to make Serena 'the bad guy' for 'stealing' her ex from her and her parents would take her older sister's side for sure. The last thing she wanted was more drama but Doug? Doug was worth the risk of being practically disinherited by her parents. At least she could have him. If he wanted that as much as she did. Maybe she had sounded a little too defensive and Serena instantly felt bad. She didn't want to sound too sharp but technically it wasn't a lie. Was she supposed to try to make a move on him when he was with her sister? That would have been too much for teenage Serena, even though she and Taylor didn't have the best relationship she wouldn't want to deal with the aftermath. Great. She probably had blown up the only chance to be direct and honest with Doug. She didn't want to make him feel bad in any way, but partly she was a little resentful. Not with him, but with herself. She should have opened her mouth and talked about it instead of staying silent all those years. Serena couldn't help but think of everything they could have been if she had opened her mouth sooner. Maybe they would be married now, maybe they would have one or two children, maybe they would actually have a happy ending. Maybe they could have had it all. A future with Doug didn't sound bad and maybe, just maybe, they still had time to have it all. Why just have tonight when they could have tomorrow and all the days after that? If that worked, maybe she could have everything she had ever wanted. Serena now felt like she had it at her fingertips. "Don't be, I'm sorry, that was too harsh." She bit her lip. Last thing she wanted was for Doug to feel like shit.

The music was still playing around them, although they had been swaying almost automatically to the rhythm of the music. She was sure that neither of them were really paying attention to what was happening with the wedding. Serena looked at him intently. "No, I don't wanna pretend this never happened either." She didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering what if. What if she had only spoken up. What if she had only had the courage. Serena preferred to leave that night with a broken heart than with more doubts than certainties, than wondering all her life what if. At least if she left with a broken heart she would just have to lick her wounds but eventually Serena knew she would move on. The doubt of not knowing because she had never tried and that was not a regret she wanted to experience. "Maybe it's time for us to stop tiptoeing around then." It was time for her to find the words and certain courage within her to tell him straight that she loved him, that she has loved him for a long time, that back when they were teens, he was the only thing she could think about. Apparently neither of them were good with words because she couldn't find a way to express what was going on inside her. It was like a tsunami was inside her head. Many mixed feelings and some that were resurfacing after a long time buried. It was overwhelming. Her inner little girl just wanted to jump and hide, but the adult Serena tried to keep it together, forcing herself to stand in front of him instead of running away. No more running away. That was the moment of truth, the breaking point. All those years, all those years of daydreaming about him were finally leading to an end.

Oh. Well that was something. So he felt the same way. But he "feel", like in the present tense? So it wasn't a past feeling that he had had when they were teenagers and that he had now grown out of it. She had to admit that she found all of his ramble more than adorable. He seemed as affected as she was by the situation and that in a way comforted her a little. "I like you, Doug," Serena confessed before letting out a sigh. "And I really really hope you like me back." There she was, standing in front of him, begging him in silence that he wouldn't break his heart, begging him to love her back. All of her childhood traumas were playing tricks on her head. Asking someone to love her or worse, not to break her heart bordered on an extreme level of self-embarrassment. She felt like a little girl. At least she had the decency to hold her lower lip tightly so as not to say what she was thinking out loud. What were the chances? What were the chances that all those years he would think about her as much as she had thought about him? As much as she had longed for what she had never been able to get back when they were teenagers. She'd really rather not have to get drunk that night to deal with a broken heart. Douglas seemed as nervous as she was, Serena hoped it was for the same reason her heart was pounding out of her chest and not because he was trying to find the words to reject her sorry ass. His question had opened a Pandora's box. If he hadn't said anything, she would have pretended that his presence didn't affect her. So she clung to hope. To that little glimmer of hope that told her that she had to take a leap of faith to be rewarded by the universe. Maybe Douglas did love her back, maybe he actually felt the same way about her "Please love me back?" She murmured with a little bit of hesitation before making a small grimace when she realized how bad that sounded out of her head. She was practically begging him to love her. It bordered on pathetic and made her feel even more vulnerable. Almost as if her heart was wide open and exposed. She really hoped she wouldn't end up with it broken.

[infj-zen]

Movies

Some movies to watch starring INFJ actors

The Acid House  Colin 'Coco' Bryce (segment "The Acid House")

Agent Game  Omar

Alien vs. Predator Graeme Miller 

All Hat Steve Allman

Almost Friends Charlie

Amanda & Jack Go Glamping Amanda

American Renegades Jim Rainey 

American Sausage Standoff Edward Hofler

Anonymous Thomas Dekker

Apostasy Elder Steven

The Arbor Young David

Around the World in 80 Days Inspector Fix

Arthur and the Invisibles Arthur

Arthur et la vengeance de Maltazard Arthur

Arthur 3: The War of the Two Worlds Arthur (voice)

The Art of Getting By George Zinavoy

Astro Boy Astro / Toby (voice) 

As You Like It Silvius

August Rush August Rush

Belfast Billy Clanton

Beneath a Sea of Lights Caweys 

Benjamin Benjamin 

Black Hawk Down Nelson

Blade Runner 2049 Doc Badger

Blindness Sergeant

Borg vs. McEnroe Vitas Gerulaitis 

Broken Rick

The Brothers Grimsby Tabansi Nyagura

The Cabin in the Woods Lin

Cadia: The World Within Tanion

Canyon Del Muerto Sylvanus Griswold Morley

Captain Phillips Muse

Catch Me If You Can Miggy

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Charlie Bucket

The Coming of the Martians George 

Creation Stories Alan McGee

Dance Flick Mr. Stache

Death at a Funeral Justin 

Deep Swimmer Theo

Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood Mailman

Dragon Rider Ben (voice) 

Exodus: Gods and Kings Expert

Extortion Miguel Kaba 

The Extraordinary Journey of the Fakir Wiraj

Eye in the Sky Jama Farah

Faintheart Julien

Faintheart Tim

Fancy Dancing Bernard Schiff

Finding Neverland Peter Llewelyn Davies 

First Cow Lloyd

Five Children and It Robert 

Fool's Gold Alfonz

A Fox's Tale Little Jack (voice) 

Freedom's Path Silas

Get Santa PS Finkerton

A Girl from Mogadishu Hassan 

The Glimmer Man Det. Jim Campbell

The Golden Compass Pantalaimon (voice) 

Good Time Dash the Park Security Guard

A Good Year Young Max 

The Gospel According to Vic Stevie Deans 

Great Expectations Wemmick

Groom Lake Kate

Hallam Foe Andy / hotel employee

The Happy Prince Alfred Bosie Douglas

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Fred Weasley

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Fred Weasley

Hollywood Shuffle Donald / Jheri Curl 

The Huntsman: Winter's War Duke of Blackwood

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka Jack Spade 

Island Calum 

Jack the Giant Slayer Wicke

The Journey Jack the Driver 

Judge Dredd Junior Angel 

Julien Donkey-Boy Julien

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Tech Merc

Justin and the Knights of Valour Justin (voice) 

Kick-Ass 2 Insect Man

Last Night in Soho Cloakroom Attendant 

Legend Frank Shea

Let's Kill Ward's Wife Gina

The Life of Stuff Fraser

A Low Down Dirty Shame Shame 

Marvelous Lars

Mary and the Witch's Flower Flanagan (English version, voice)

Master Harold and the Boys Hally Ballard 

Match Point Inspector Dowd 

Mediator Steven

Mirror Mirror Charles Renbock

Mojo Skinny

Most Wanted James Dunn

Much Ado About Nothing Beatrice 

National Theatre Live: All My Sons Chris Keller

The Novice Jill Yarrut

Paranoid Gordon

Parked Cathal O'Regan

Patchwork Garret 

Pearl Harbor Red 

Perfect Sense James

The Phoenix and the Magic Carpet Joe

The Pirates of Somalia Abdi 

The Reckoning Simon Damian

Rhinoceros Hunting in Budapest Chaz

Royal Deceit Frovin 

The Rundown Declan

Scary Movie Slave

The Selfish Giant Phil the Barman

7 Days: The story of Blind Dave Heeley Captain Williams

Sironia Molly

16 Years of Alcohol Jake 

Skagerrak Gabriel

Snatch Mullet

Snowpiercer Andrew

The Spiderwick Chronicles Jared Grace / Simon Grace 

Star 80 Comic

The Tempest Ariel 

Testament of Youth Victor Richardson 

Trainspotting Spud

T2 Trainspotting Spud

21 and a Wake-Up Caitlin Murphy

Two Brothers Raoul Normandin 

Tyson's Run Aklilu

The Vault  Thom

The Veil of Twilight Rabbi Dunbar

Waiting for You Paul Ashton 

War Horse David Lyons

Wide Open Spaces Austin

Wonder Woman Charlie

Wonder Woman 1984 Charlie (Photograph) (credit only)

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger Henry Strangler

The Zero Sum Leonard Paulson

[peacelongingmoved]

i think i have h.ozier songs that remind me of all my muses. let’s count:

wasteland, baby! - @skepticwarlock and @heavenscloak

no plan - edwardo kaspbrak-o

work song - ian garcía

would that i - willow douglas and skylar douglas

from eden - zoe wallace

sunlight - avi madhvani

cherry wine - eugene géroux

take me to church - lennon blake

arsonist’s lullaby - diana and nick wilkerson

jackboot jump - noah blackwood

be - damon clement

in a week - danique koppelman

angel of small death and the codeine scene - thea atkinson

[cursivebloodlines]

°˖✧ what ethereal vibe do you give off? °˖✧

tagged by: @overnightheartbeats (tysm ily!!)

tagging: @huntrcssqueen @justpretxnd @ruinedsoulsrp @musebluebird @evcrlasting @florxdexcerezos @crimsonbullets and anyone else who wants to do it! i'll be tagging my whole list at this rate omg

Douglas Blackwood & Tessa Locke

ANGEL: all eyes are always fixed on you every time you enter a room. no matter what colour your wings are, you embody that colourful aura and everyone is drawn to you. you may not be one for too many words, but your eyes convey many feelings with just one look. be a little obsessed with yourself, I promise you it's ok.

Lydia Collins

MYSTERIOUS BOOK OWNER: your bookstore/tea garden/cafe is a haven for many who were lucky enough to stumble across your (very well) hidden store. you may or may not be a very powerful immortal who now lives a quiet life. you share a likeness to someone in a photo hung up on your wall that was taken in 1902, but no one's really questioned it yet. only your most loyal customers are privy to your colourful past. oh the scandal and mystery of it all

Aaron Carter

SHAPESHIFTER: you adapt to situations and people rather quickly, and you pull it off so effortlessly, how sexy of you. still a little closed off, much to your many admirers' dismay. you could probably carry around a tiny blade strapped to your thigh and nobody would question it. in fact I think the drooling and gawking might increase by 30% at least

Zoe Lancaster

300 YEAR OLD VAMPIRE: you've lived through the 80s- you're pretty sure you've seen it all. wandering around the world aimlessly, you're kinda tired of everyone gawking at your otherworldly, dark beauty every time you round a corner, so you tend to leave humans alone. and yet you feel the need to use your wisdom and guide those who are lost in the world. you're pretty chill but also will bust a tear at the mere sight of a sunrise or sunset

Logan Chadwick

A GREEK MYTHOLOGY ENTITY: a hush falls over the crowd just by the mere mention of your name. you've been around, you've done and seen it all, and you're still thirsty for knowledge and power. your conquests are heard of all around the world, especially how great you look in leather pants. seriously no one's managed to pull this look off, props to you

[cursivebloodlines]

Dougie held on to her hands like he was reaching for a lifeline, lacing their fingers together as he glanced down at them. It felt easier to do that than to look at Sofia’s eyes in that moment. He almost wanted to laugh when she insisted that the idea of proposing wasn’t a stupid idea – if that was the case, wouldn’t she have said yes? Almost wanting to scoff, he stopped himself at the last moment, just focused on their joined hands, his thumb absentmindedly running across the skin on her hand in a comforting manner. Her apology diverted his attention back to her, brow furrowed when she cut herself off. “You don’t have to apologise for –“ he shook his head, swallowing thickly. It was hard to process a coherent thought, still reeling in some form of embarrassment for not somehow knowing that now was not the right time.

His heart physically ached when Sofia went on to talk about how he deserved someone better than her, wondering if that was her own way of trying to get out of…this. The classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse. But then she was uttering assurances of love, her voice cracked, and he couldn’t take it. “Hey, come here,” he murmured softly, squeezing her hands gently before releasing them so he could wrap his arms around her and tug her closer. “For me, there is no better. There is you and only you, Sof,” he murmured sincerely, kissing the top of her head. Her explanation did make sense, of course he could understand; he’d be an idiot not to. “We’re not them, though. But…I understand. But we can change that, be the example. Just not yet though, because I don’t want to force you if you’re not ready yet… we’ll just… we can take it one step at a time or something.”

Sofia didn’t know what to say as she saw the hurt in Dougie’s eyes, and hated that she was the reason for it. That she was breaking his heart before her own eyes. She loved him with every part of her, and she hated that her own fears were going to come between them. 

“No, it’s not a stupid idea.” Sofia assured him and reached for his hands, wanting to try and reassure him. To tell him that she loved him, that this was her and not him. And she hated how that seemed like the oldest line in the book. But it was true. “I’m sorry that I’m not – I’m there yet. Maybe I –” She stopped because what if she wouldn’t get there? “You deserve someone better than me, someone who doesn’t get scared of relationships and commitment. I love you so so much. Please believe me.” She said and felt her voice break, not wanting to lose him. “I love you. My examples of marriage haven’t exactly been great. My moms they broke up and got back together so many times when I was growing up and – marriage terrifies me.”

[peacelongingmoved]

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES.

hello there ! i just wanted to drop the different aus ( private and not private ) for my muses.

Willow Douglas:

The Greatest Showman. Willow uses her powers for artistry, trying to find a way to feed her poor family and ill sister and joins P.T. Barnum’s show.

Ice Skater ( private with @lyquidmetal ). Willow and Jess make it as the first same-sex skating couple to make the olympics. It’s pretty gay.

40′s ( private with @memoirstold ). Willow works as a waitress in New York during WWII, in a desperate attempt to gain some money to raise her deaf sister. Her dad enlisted and died shortly after. She studies to become a teacher, though deals with the sexism in her institution.

A Star is Born ( private with @necropsychic ). To raise more money for Skylar’s expensive treatments, she applies as a songwriter for Michael MacGilleain, eventually they fall in love. We know the drill, it gets pretty romantic.

Skylar Douglas:

Sex Education. Life isn’t easy for a lesbian deaf girl, who just moved into town and applied to Moordale. Things... Get crazy.

X-Men. Shortly after finishing her treatment and with the first outbreak of her powers, Skylar is sent to Xavier’s school. She wants to play hero, but not being the center of attention feels far better.

Lennon Blake:

Grease. Lennon is a Brit boy that moved into America with all the knowledge about music. He applies to Rydell High, in the class of ‘58. Is part of the T-Bird’s enemies, after the race he decides that this isn’t his path. He breaks it as a talented musician, England’s golden boy in the US by the age of 20.

Diana & Nick Wilkerson:

X-Force / Deadpool 2 based. Both Nick and Diana ran away from their home after their father’s pinnacle of abuse. They see the announcement, and after being in several mutant underground networks, they decide to find a real family. Two kids, good at playing with fire. Maybe, they could be the key to understand Russell.

Noah Blackwood:

Bodyguard. Noah left the military when he felt like he had enough training, and with his mother’s passing, he tried to make things right. To be a better person, not killing under the shadows. He’s hired as a bodyguard, fit and perfect for the job. Kind of a paranoid one, carries guns everywhere.

Danique Koppelman:

IT, Chapter Two. Danique is dealing with the loss of his family, and the recovery after heart surgery. The bullets were taken out, he was a much more vulnerable guy. They figured it would be good for him to travel, go somewhere else. Derry seemed like a proper place.

Zoe Wallace:

Human. Zoe was raised by two loving adoptive parents, Aaron and Natalie. Unlike their mainverse, they’re much more outgoing and talkative, they were never taken away from their family and their parents never divorced. They grew up to become an actor and writer, usually getting the small jobs for short films, music videos, TV ads and to tell children stories at libraries.

MCU based / The Winter Soldier ( private with @butvic ). Zoe was nothing but a middle-class, mutant librarian when they kicked into the bookshop. There was a rumour of them being a freak, able to hear other’s thoughts and make things blow up with a snap of their fingers. It was late at night, and they were kidnapped. Tortured, brainwashed and turned into a killing machine, able to survive throughout the years as a result of the serum. And the only person that cared and found it odd for them to disappear was Victory.

IT, Chapter One. Coming from a small British family, it was a bad beginning for Zoe’s life in Derry. They’re the new kid— Moved from London into that small town with a blink of their eye, and given how different they were, they instantly got bullied. The fact that they could see things that other’s couldn’t didn’t help at all. At first, they didn’t understand why they could see Betty and Patrick, wandering around town, and no one else could find them— And then, they knew. 

[cursivebloodlines]

MUSE: Dougie Blackwood

OPEN TO: F | Mutuals & Non-mutuals

SCENARIO/CONNECTION: Self-explanatory in the thread | The connection is up to you, whether they're friends who hooked up, exes, in a relationship, etc, the choice is yours. Maybe they didn't want to tell him because they're not sure if they're his...who knows. Many possibilities here, go all out :)

CREATED WITH: Beta

@indiestarter | Open Starters Tag

It was evident just by the look on his face that Dougie had something he wanted to say. This was completely new for him - how was he supposed to delicately approach the subject? "Listen. Um," he started, fiddling with the test in his hand as he took a few tentative steps toward the other. Confusion and concern etched over his face, he knew he had to choose his words carefully. "Look...firstly I just - I want to say, I promise I wasn't snooping. I was just - I was sorting out the rubbish and putting the bins out and...Well. I found this..." He inhaled shakily, a plethora of questions on the tip of his tongue as he looked down, passing the positive pregnancy test to the person in front of him. He waited for a moment to gauge their reaction but it was futile. So he continued, "And... and I was just... wondering... It -is this - is it yours? You're..." The words trailed off because a) he did not want to jump to conclusions and b) he was genuinely terrified of what the answer might have been... That being said, Dougie was unsure what answer he actually wanted.

[cursivebloodlines]

Was it odd to be suddenly smiling and laughing with the person responsible for shattering what was left of your heart? Yes, most likely. Did that stop Dougie from doing the exact above though? No, it did not. There was no help manual to show him what to do if his ex showed up after walking out of his life unannounced after so long. Part of him wanted a semblance of normality. Needed it, rather. Something, anything for him to grasp onto because if for a minute, he had to think about those years of internal torture, then it would destroy him all over again. And he wasn’t sure if he could handle that yet. Dougie could address that part later. For now, he would much rather focus on this little joking exchange taking place between them. The simplicity of such action. How it anchored him, tethered him to the thought of what once was, of what could have been. Of what could be — however, it was far too early to even think that far ahead. Bloody hell: Laurel had just turned up out of nowhere and there he was fantasising about the what ifs, the future. As if he could ever fully cope with a clean slate. That would be too easy, even for Dougie, even if there was a shred of him that didn’t want to believe that. Only time would tell, and he needed to focus on staying present in the moments. On her, seeing that smile on her face warmed his heart up even on the darkest of days. How easy it was to see it, one of her many qualities that had him falling head over heels for her to begin with. Laurel’s confirmation caused his already present smile to extend a little more than it already, still his usual, bashful self no less. It never did take much for her to make him smile and even after all this time, his stomach was filled with butterflies. “Well,” he finally said after feeling like he was smiling and looking at her for a little too long. “That’s…yeah, that’s nice.”  Why was he getting so tongue-tied? Even he wasn’t sure — but then again, that didn’t really help considering he wasn’t sure on most things, so it wasn’t as though that was anything new. Laurel always amazed him though, no matter how many times she would tell him it was more so the other way around. The way he never ever bored her, the way he easily could with other people. That was the thing? Wasn’t it? Laurel was one of a kind. A special edition of a person, his limited edition. Maybe that’s why they never worked out, because it was only meant to be only a while. Nothing lasted forever but once upon a time, he wholeheartedly believed she was his forever. Letting go of that did not come easily to him but he really was like that. Got attached, fell in too deep, and then was unable to let go. Much like how he didn’t want to let go of this moment, of seeing that smile on her face. Seeing it again was like seeing the first fall of rain after a painfully long drought.

“That may have only been one but I’m sure there are plenty of others in that wonderful brain of yours,” he teased back, though that last part was sincere. Dougie loved hearing all of the inner workings of Laurel’s mind. She always had something to say about everything and he always adored listening to it. He was always captivated by her, holding on to every word she uttered. Time might change things, but it never changed that. “Oh, really? I’m pretty sure you’re the only person to think that. Everyone else thinks I make everything sound more complicated than it needs to be. Hard to keep on track trying to learn something when I keep waffling on and on and on…kind of like the way I’m doing now,” he said, laughing sheepishly. Again, with his usual self-deprecating attitude. Again, with how some things never changed. Her lilting laugh was like music to his ears, like an old familiar song that brought back feelings of nostalgia. And how he would do anything to hear it again and again. It had been far too long since the last time he heard it. God. How he missed her. “I – they’re not the same, are they? How are they the same?” Brief confusion etched his face, as if genuinely considering it. They were different things, weren’t they? Either, or. It didn’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things and yet it still had him wondering. Coming from her though? Dougie could easily agree. A bit gullible in that way, but he could believe anything that came out of her mouth. And probably would. Included the hypothetical non-existent PowerPoint presentation. “I’ll have my seat reserved and schedule cleared especially for it,” he joked. It obviously didn’t exist and wouldn’t…then again, she could surprise him. Just for the fun of it, it sounded like something Laurel would do because she was Laurel and he loved her for it. It also implied that they would possibly see each other after this. Maybe he was hoping for that, no matter what excuse. Not that they needed an excuse but…there he went again, his mind forward thinking a hundred steps ahead. Enough.

There he was, still trying to sort his own feelings out. How they could still have a laugh and joke as if nothing changed between them was bittersweet. Sweet, because it was nice and refreshing, how natural it all was. Yet still bitter, because at the same time it was a painstaking reminder that perhaps, it shouldn’t be this easy. It wasn’t normal, but then again neither was he. If anything, he was always comforted by the opportunity to look at the bright side. There was always a brighter side and once upon a time, Laurel was that side. Even on the darkest days, she was that beacon of light, illuminating the darkness. The light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. Having her there with him again sparked loads of different complicated emotions, as if someone had spun a wheel and it was rolling and rolling and rolling. Like a game of emotional roulette: what would it land on? Dougie wasn’t convinced he had landed on any particular emotion yet. It was spinning around and around like the waltzers. “I…well, you know what they say…” There he went again. “Expect the unexpected.” Half joking. But maybe he should take his own words into account there— he wasn’t expecting the unexpected. Laurel showing up here was the unexpected and he couldn’t have anticipated her being here now. He has given up all hope of that happening a long, long time ago when she left without a trace. Clearly, they were both surprised by the whole thing but for completely different reasons. “A surprise…yeah. Yup. I guess it can be said that the feeling is uh… that it’s mutual.” Again, different ways. But still… a surprise was a surprise. Dougie didn’t feel as though there was much else to add to that. Or his mind was just filled with the brim with too many thoughts that it froze him and prevented him from rambling even more. Or whatever.

Whenever one of them laughed, the other still followed suit. Even if it was something that had built up a flicker of awkward tension like it just had. Relieved by one of them laughing, then both of them laughing. The smallest things that alleviated most of it. How easy it was, almost perfect even if it hadn’t been for the other obvious factors looming over them. Dougie was never the type for confrontation and the last thing he wanted was to have anything of the sort. Not now, not ever. Not if it gave her any reason to go ahead and leave him again. Not when he just got her back. Well…it’s not like he got her back really, is it? Laurel came back on her own accord. There was a difference. No amount of him fighting for her would've made her stay or brought her back to him. The lack of response to all those texts and unanswered voicemails drilled that into him. His love hadn't been enough to bring her home...until now. “The teeninest tiniest wincy little titchy bit,” Doug shot back, even scrunching his face up as it if would make it look even smaller than her little gesture before laughing a little more. It was the little moments that meant the most. And he would do anything, including making himself look like an idiot (though that didn’t take a ton of effort as he could do that without even trying to at the best of times anyway!) even if it put the faintest smiles on her face. Any other time it would’ve been funny, how it became an unknowing competition of who was the most flawed or the most screwed up. Not that it mattered - hence what Dougie had only pointed out moments before - but he would award it to himself. But it didn’t matter. It never mattered. Love was meant to be about loving someone despite their flaws. They were a part of what made people human. They were what made Laurel, her and him, Douglas. Neither of them saw any flaws with the other even though they were plenty flawed in their own little ways but…that was what love was about, wasn’t it? And wait…was Laurel blushing? It suited her and he couldn’t help the silly smile that painted his features. Had things been how they used to, he would have pointed it out, told her how adorable she was and that it suited her…but Dougie was uncertain he was meant to be saying things like that to her now. As opposed to the other stupidly cheesy comment he’d made only just before? The logic was not logical in his mind. It was just natural — a goofy cheeseball at heart. But it made her smile, and that’s all that mattered in the end. For the moment. Her comment about the marathon earned another laugh from him. It was just such a Laurel thing to come out of her mouth and he loved it. Savoured every moment for however long it would last. “Sounds good enough to me. We could even be running buddies, keep each other in check like.” Was this another hypothetical situation like the PowerPoint presentation? Yep, probably. The idea was funny though. Dougie in a marathon — laughable.

It was like there was nothing more to say and yet there still was too much to say at the same time. It confused him; how could this be? All this time, he had been wondering what went wrong. And it turned out, it was nothing he specifically did. Two years of unrelenting turmoil, trying to piece together what he could have done to make things end differently, scraping for signs of a doomed relationship. Any indicator that he was on the verge of losing Laurel and everything they had. He convinced that the wounds left by her absence had healed over these couple of years. Or at least a little bit. The wound inflicted by her abandonment left him with a permanent scar. A painstaking reminder of what they lost, without it even being either of their faults really. Nothing but memories, just a sad reminder of all that was robbed from them. But now…? With Laurel being back here, it felt more like a scab. One still in the process of healing but not quite, her return being akin to picking said scab off and the bleeding resumed. His search for answers was over. It wasn’t his fault. Instead, it was the influence of a third party, someone whom he’d never even met. It. Wasn’t. His. Fault. The one sentence that kept playing like a mantra in his head. All this time, he had blamed himself for whatever went wrong. Part of him wondered if it would have made anything easier if it had been because of his wrongdoing. Because he could apologise, try and make things right for sending her astray. What he was supposed to do with this information was an entire other process altogether. Nothing could erase the torment he’d subjected himself to, the fear of being abandoned like that again. But he couldn’t deny the lingering feelings that still existed, nor was he strong enough to push them away. Especially not when she was here in front of him, apologetic and sincere. He felt like an open wound, gaping and unyielding. Whoever said ‘The truth will set you free’ was full of shit. Because he did not feel free in the slightest. Sure, it was nice knowing albeit that was probably not the right word to describe it. But he also felt the heavy weight of it, the weight of what she must have carried around with her for so long and he didn’t know what to possibly do with any of it. What’s done is done, was what he said. But how to move past it was another question entirely.

The sound of his name falling from her lips rendered him silent. Just like that, she halted any remotely coherent (and incoherent) thoughts from forming. It was like the world has stopped moving. Now it was his turn to be stunned into silence by the sound of his own name. Because it was Laurel uttering it. His heart felt like it was made of glass, that so much as a gentle prod and he could shatter all over again. Why did it suddenly feel as though time had stood still? Like it confirmed one thing: Douglas Blackwood was not over her in the slightest. He felt pathetic, so much time having passed and he was still as in love with Laurel as he ever once was. If not more. Or was he deluding himself into believing he could let her in again, at some point? Two years was a long time. Flummoxed. He was flummoxed. All he could do when Laurel spoke again is nod his head slowly, take her assurances and clamp down on them, cling on to them for as long as he could. “Okay.” What else could be said other than that? It felt redundant, but it was all he could utter out. “Okay,” he repeated again as though her words were officially locked into his mind, seared into his skull. Eventually was the key word. Still, her words caused a ghost of a smile to caress his lips. Of course she still remembered that. “I, yeah, uh all I can say is good luck with that,” he attempted to joke back. The least he could do was try, even if he was completely stumped for words once more. When he had turned the question back to her, he had no idea what he was setting himself up for. She came back for him, didn’t she? Wasn’t that in itself enough of an indication of how she felt? Granted, it could’ve been just to ease her guilt and clear her conscience, tying up loose ends before moving on with the next chapter of her life or whatnot. Laurel looked like a deer caught in headlights, like how he looked when she asked him the exact same question. She must have seen this question coming, surely? Maybe she didn’t, maybe she thought he would stand there, taking whatever she had to say and then leaving right after. Or maybe, like Dougie, she needed more time to think. No matter how many times he thought he had been ready for the moment, he wasn’t. Therefore, it wasn’t that much of a stretch to think about really. Trying to decipher your feelings and also talking about your feelings were no easy feats that was for sure. In response to her question about there ever being a right time, he gave a half hearted shrug of his shoulders, clicking his tongue as though saying ‘no idea’ without explicitly stating it. It wasn’t like he could verbalise the words, his heart racing too rapidly to even part his lips. Dropped his gaze when she first spoke again, talking of her guilt and how crappy she felt because of her own actions made his heart sink. All he wanted to do was help her, hoped that his words would assist healing her, alleviate some of that guilt for her. Because it wasn’t worth it, dwelling on it. But he was not one to say as someone who lived far too much in the past, far too much on the what ifs. His head bowed slightly, because listening to her speak was causing yet another pang in his heart. When would it get easier? Will it ever get easier? All the guilt, all the pain…why did Dougie have a niggling feeling, a treacherous thought at the back of his skull that told him she regretted them? Why did he feel the overbearing need to ask?

“Do you…” He hesitated for a moment, apprehensively lifting his head back up to look at Laurel. Needing to look at her for sure to know. “Do you regret it? Us, I mean, not the—" Not the leaving part because that was already established. The before, when they were a them. Maybe he got his wires crossed but it was the vibe he received, especially when she mentioned what if they had only stayed friends. How was he supposed to respond? There Laurel was, opening up her heart to him as requested and there he was, stood there like a hopeless fool with nothing to say, just a blank mind. Opening and closing his mouth a few times, his brow furrowed as Dougie tried to think of something to say. The right thing to say. Much like there never being a right time, there probably wasn’t a right thing to say either. “You haven’t lost me… I-I’ve always been here. I’m still here,” he spoke quietly, like his heart might collapse if he spoke any louder. Hollow. That was how he felt too. Not wanting her to think she was left with nothing. Regardless of their relationship status, god, he never ever wanted her to feel like she had nothing and no one. “Please don’t say you have nothing I— you will always have me. You know this.” So many things he wanted to say but couldn’t, was still trying to process everything, what she said. “I know it’s not a lot but…but it’s something., right? No matter what...no matter what happens with us. You still always have me.” Unless that's not enough anymore, the traitorous voice in the back of his mind reminded him. It was something Dougie had reminded her time and time again over the course of their relationship. Maybe she didn't remember. Maybe he was being too much, maybe it felt like overkill.

The look on Laurel’s face told him all he needed to know. As much as he liked to try and see the bright side to any scenario that seemed dire, tried to convince others there was always hope…it was obvious when he wasn’t feeling like it. Such as the case with the topic of her mother. She was hurt enough as it was, and the last thing he wanted to do was completely destroy her more than telling her what she likely already knew. Maybe part of her accepted it already but maybe there was part of her holding on to that tiniest shred of hope that maybe she loved her like a mother should. Dougie sure as hell was not going to be the one to break it to her, especially since he didn’t even know the woman enough to say, only going from the parts she finally told him today. Nor did he want to steer her in the other direction, away from him again, out of sight forever. Though she didn’t voice it, never commented on how much of a terrible liar he was which they probably could have later laughed about…he wasn’t going to continue that either. Not if it hurt her too much, he couldn’t — and would never — do that to her. So if she wanted to drop it, he would drop it, too.

"And yet you seem glad about it...always knew you were weird," he chuckled softly in reference to her agreement with his comment about rubbing off on her with his countless apologies. The weird comment was to try and make her smile some more, prolong it, and savour the moment for as long as he could even in their fragile state of vulnerability. "Um, you know it's too many when the unofficial master of apologies even agrees with you," Dougie joked back. Again, delaying the inevitable. If he could make her smile longer, and laugh more, through their turmoil, and complex emotions then maybe she'd feel more inclined to stick around. Why was he so worried about her going again? "And yes, I definitely, definitely heard them. Loud and clear and...I already said that, didn't I?" Pretty sure he did. But just in case she didn't get it the first time either. Another smile creeping up on his lips. The question about his other exes earned another quiet laugh to escape and Dougie shook his head as if waving her off and dismissing the question entirely. "Well, believing it or not believing it won't change anything. As for the others, it's nothing worth dwelling on, my love. Dougie froze at his own words. Did he really just call her my love? It trickled out so naturally, too naturally, and his eyes widened at his own words there. Taking it back would be too awkward and it would only make him turn into a bigger, bumbling mess which was the last thing he needed. Not wanting to ruin the joking back-and-forths they were having, he just forced a cough like it would remove the words, erase it from their memory. Not that he wanted to but...They weren't together anymore. He shouldn't be calling her things like that. It didn't help that it felt so right either. Love was complicated.If he could stay in Laurel's arms forever, Dougie would die a happy, content man. It may have been a big cliche to say or even think it, but it felt like she had picked up all the broken pieces and stitched them all back together piece by piece. Sure, he was still a mess but he felt whole again. Didn't that count for something? He felt like it should. All he knew in that moment was that he didn't want to let Laurel go. Figuratively and metaphorically, that is. Feeling like if he let go for a moment, she might fade away right before his eyes. After all, Dougie lost her once; he didn't want to lose her again, not so soon. The fragrance of her perfume, the scent of her hair too, it all felt like coming home after so long. Felt like how he often felt on his trips back to Scotland. Home was where the heart is, and his heart was still held captive by her. And Dougie did not want to pay the ransom for it, even if it was at the expense of his own feelings. God, he missed her. Her absence left a gaping hole in his psyche, but holding her in his arms like that also drilled home how he'd lost her. How this was what he'd missed out on for over two whole years. If he let go, it still would be too soon. It wouldn't make up for the amount of time lost, the amount of time he wanted to make up for, holding her so closely to him, her arms bracketing around him. And his with hers. Dougie could tell she felt it too, the way her tense posture slackened around him, as if welcoming him in. Making things right...it sounded like a lot. Hadn't she made things right by serving him with the truth? Being hugged by her was one of his favourite things in the world. He was like a child with an avid fondness for their favorite cuddly toy, not wanting to surrender it for anything. Sure, it didn't undo the hurt he'd endured over the course of time...but in that moment? It felt like everything was okay. She said she would do anything but...what if he didn't want her to? It was hard. Dougie wasn't used to this. He was used to being the one desperate to find a way to improve things, fix things between strained relationships. He was a fixer...not the fixee. That wasn't a word... but that was how he felt. So, what could he tell her for the time being? The obvious, safe answer. "I'll think about it."

It was a struggle to not get all choked up listening to her apologise again, and Dougie sighed shakily. The more he thought about it, the more he began to well up again. Not that he was prepared to let her see that, so he tried to remain as calm and steady as he could for the time being. "Now, what did we say about apologies, eh?" he attempted lightly, a croaky laugh escaping his lips as he released a content sigh, committing everything about the moment to memory. Listening to her talk about reading his messages, Dougie inhaled sharply, as though a heavy weight had just settled in his chest, carved a home out of his heart. The memories hit him like a gush of wind was about to knock him over. If he hadn't been hugging her in that moment, he was sure his knees would have buckled from beneath him. Some of them, he couldn't even remember sending - there were days where he'd been so out of it, he barely knew what day it was. On other days, he was plastered out of his mind and it wasn't until he sobered up that he realised the amount of shit he sent. God, the voicemails too. Tragic really, how one person could affect him so deeply. And how he was here, hugging that very person as though his life depended on it. His eyes burned with unshed tears and he squeezed them shut, trying to eliminate the evidence. His little, pathetic sniffle gave him away though. It was too muchAnd he didn't know how to respond which was only stressing him out even more. "Laurel, please-" he said breathily, voice tinged with desperation. Please what? He didn't even know what he was asking her to do. It had been so long since he heard her say that. I love you. Present tense. Those three little words that could make or break someone. Sometimes, it could do both. Words he wanted to echo back to her so desperately but...he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because if he uttered the words out loud, what then? They couldn't just get back together like that. Despite everything, despite how desperately he wanted to hand her a second chance on a silver platter, he couldn't bring himself to. A betrayal of trust...could they ever get what they once had back? It just hit home, the harshness of reality, their situation. Because it wasn't just leaving him. It was knowing she heard his voicemails, of knowing he was besotted with her and her absence left him a wreck. And despite this, it was knowing she knew full well he'd hit a low point to be sending messages and voicemails like that and he got...nothing. How do you bounce back from that? Knowing someone you loved was struggling so much you couldn't even face them?

"Sorry I just...don't know what to say. I don't know what the right thing to say is..." he finally mumbled, trying to steady the pace he spoke so she could hear him clearly. Hearing her speak again, Dougie pulled back slightly, his arms still around her as he looked into her eyes. Quickly, he used one of his sleeves to quickly rub at his eyes before they returned to her frame again. "Why would that be easier?" he asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "Even if I was mad at you, I couldn't yell at you...which um, I'm not by the way. Mad, I mean. Sure...my brain is mush right now but no. I could never be mad at you Laurel. Not now, not ever." Tentatively, he selfishly lifted a hand to delicately stroke her cheek. As if one touch with too much pressure could break her. He shouldn't, Dougie knew that, but...he just couldn't help himself. "Being angry would be too exhausting. Losing you was...it was hard enough." His voice cracked and he shook his head bleakly to recompose himself. It pained him, looking into her eyes. To see the sadness, regret and yet so much love within them. Made him feel even guiltier, for not caving completely for one moment to just...be what they were. He couldn't do that to her, not when he was still uncertain about what they did from here. "I wish I could tell you what...what you want to hear. You know but...I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you," Dougie admitted. "At the same time, I can't bear the thought of letting you go again. You're it for me, Laurel. You always have been. And it's both the easiest and the trickiest thing for me to say right now because...I just-I don't know what to do with that."

The difference in apologizing to him and others was too clear. Even if her experience with the action was limited. Laurel was not one to apologize, it didn't come easy to her. She should feel good, right? Laurel should feel relieved that he was being so nice to her. That they were even falling back into their old patterns. She should be happy that her path to some kind of forgiveness was easier than expected. Yet, Laurel only hated herself more for it. Hated knowing, that in some way, she was benefitting from his endless kindness. It didn't feel right. One thing that did feel right and hadn't changed for her, was how she loved hearing him talk. Everything Dougie said was fascinating, and she was always intrigued to learn more - to ask more questions just to continue hearing him talk. Those 'mundane' things, as he called it, were some of her favorites. Laurel loved learning all the little things in his brain, it was impossible to not feel special then - being the person he wanted to share these things with. Or at least she was. "Yes, really," she reassured him. It was the truth after all. He always found a way to surprise her, impress her with just about anything he did. She couldn't contain her excitement for finally knowing one of his sayings, for being able to tell him for once. His reaction caused a triumphant smile to form on her face. Oh, the things she'd do to see his smile over and over again. She'd learn 50 sayings in one day for him, if that's all it took. "One compared to all the ones you know, not too shabby huh?" His excitement was adorable, his wide smile and his genuine joy. She would happily stay here, in this moment. "Well, with you as my teacher...it's pretty easy to learn it all." Admitting she missed his sayings was so easy, it just flowed naturally from her lips. And sure, maybe she should keep this to herself - not burden him with these conflicting thoughts, but her thoughts begged to be heard. Laurel accompanied his laugh with one of hers, shaking her head at his confession. "A thief, a collector...really the same thing." Yeah right. Dougie..a thief. That was difficult to picture. Well, maybe thief of her heart. The thought bringing a smile to her face. It really was how it happened, wasn't it? Meeting him was good for her, he brought immense joy to her life. He was more than a ray of sunshine, he was the entire sun on a summer day. Bringing so much light and warmth to her, just by existing and being a genuine friend to her. Dougie slowly crept into her heart. Falling for him was the same feeling as finding forgotten money in a coat pocket you haven't worn in weeks. Her feelings for him were a welcome surprise, she had almost forgotten the feeling. The feeling of falling for someone, the need for them to love you. Feeling worthy of love, that was just one of the many things he taught her. "You got it, you'll be the first to see when it's done," she promised. This was a hypothetical PowerPoint, and still - Laurel felt the pressure building.

Her heart was currently on a rollercoaster ride, one that she didn't expect. It was odd, being here and joking around with him as if nothing had happened between them. The rollercoaster ride was more than welcome though, feeding her starved heart. Laurel would accept any and all moments, whatever he was so graciously giving her. At least he saw her point, why she was surprised by his reaction. Confusion was a close second. To Laurel, it didn't sound ridiculous or odd. It did sound tragic though. Her guilt was front and center, her understanding of love frozen the moment she walked away from him. Her understanding was just a bit above basic and combined with that guilt, it made it difficult to understand how he could be happy to see her. Though, Laurel still felt that hope rising in her chest, her heart thumping loudly. "I..it just seemed like the obvious reaction, it's what I braced myself for I guess," she admitted, gaze still focused on him. She noticed the way his voice was quieter, how he didn't meet her eyes. This was fucked up, what she was doing to him. "Doug, no I just..I mean I'm confused, because I really pushed this one idea in my head...so this is a surprise. A nice one, don't get me wrong. I...yeah." How to end that sentence, she didn't know. Did she tell him how his words were making her heart jump with joy? How, she didn't have any right, but she still wanted to admit how much she missed him? Wanted him? No. It wasn't okay.

Laurel couldn't help laughing along with him, relieved laughter falling from her lips. She hadn't realized just how much these lighthearted moments meant to her, how much they kept her afloat right now. "Yes, maybe just a tiny bit," she agreed, pinching her fingers to emphasize the tiny bit. Laurel didn't mean to make it a competition of sorts, trying to be most flawed of the two. It was just a given for her. She was always the most flawed person in the room, another courtesy reminder from her mother. But, it made sense, right? For two people to be flawed, for them to have different flaws and still work together. She didn't see the flaws he mentioned, and even if she did spot them, it wouldn't change how she felt about him. Laurel loved him too much to care. His words made sense, but she was afraid. Afraid that he wouldn't feel the same about her. That one flaw would be a little too much for him. That love wouldn't be enough. Her lips curved into a small smile, face flushing immediately. He'd do that for her? If this was any other moment, she'd basically be swooning. Of course, he still had a way with words. Her eyes were drawn to his cheeks, the flush on them was subtle, but it was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Laurel just didn't know if she could reply with the same cheesiness. It was her guilty pleasure, to indulge in the cheesy moments. He always made it so easy, and fun. She couldn't help it, responding with a playful comment. "So, we'll sign up for the same marathon then?"

This is where they landed, there wasn't much else to say. It was somehow the best case and the worst case scenario, all at once. Best case - she, at least, got to come clean and in some instances, they still fall back into their friendship. The foundation of their link together. Worst case - it seemed like there was too much broken between them to return to some sense of normalcy. Even if they held on to their friendship, the reminder would loom over them. Her guilt would drag her down. These things would always play against them, and even if Laurel could learn to live with her complicated feelings, it wasn't fair to ask them same of him. Not when she caused them to begin with. How was it fair to create a problem, and then ask the other to deal with it? In some ideal world, she didn't leave. She left his bed that morning, drove to her parents' house, and left when her mother's words became too much. Except that, she took the same route back. Went back to him. Broke down in front of him, and just let him see everything she had been safeguarding for so long. Or better yet, she never left that bed. In a true ideal world, Laurel edged closer to him and allowed the alarms to ring. Just him and her, letting the time pass. But neither of those scenarios were the reality. She broke his heart, destroyed what they had, and now, destroyed any healing he had done in the last two years. Disaster after disaster. She swore to herself that she wouldn't let her family intervene again, not if she had another chance. She'd do everything right this time, though easier said than done. Her thoughts were weighing her down, so many ideas running around, yet not one solution in sight. What's done is done. No point in contesting that, it seemed like a clear enough sign to drop it.

Had she stood there in silence too long? Shock had really gotten the best of her, even if she tried pretending otherwise. "Dougie," his name leaving her lips in a breathy tone. As if she had just regained her voice. "It's okay, really. I...asked a pretty tough question, and the truth is all I can really hope for. Even if it's just bits," the stuttering never bothered her, though it usually did with others How people just couldn't speak clearly, it irritated her. But with Dougie, it was yet another source of endearment. It was impossible to be irritated by something when it came to him. "I'll piece it all together eventually, don't worry," she reminded him. It was an old joke between them, how between the um's and stutters, she'd always put the puzzle together of what he meant to say. And it was all Laurel really had now, old jokes and memories. "How...I...feel?" Shouldn't she be launching into her prepared speech regarding her feelings? Then, why was she stunned once more? Eyes widened momentarily, before she swallowed the invisible lump in her throat. "Is there ever a right time? I mean, who knows? But, your question...remember I said all questions are fair game.” Just because she said it, doesn’t mean it made it easier to answer. A deep breath came from her chest, “so, to answer your question...I, well I..feel so many things. I feel like shit...ashamed, full of guilt. And I know you’re being really kind and…it helps, but the feeling is still there. I keep thinking that if we just stayed friends, then maybe I wouldn't have hurt you. We’d be okay now, I think. My feelings for you...I—“ to answer honestly or to give an answer that would shut any confusion down. Tough one. She could say she doesn’t feel that way anymore, that her return and this conversation was guilt driven. No love in sight. Hurt him, but make it the final blow. No more running back and forth. Or admit what has been eating at her heart this entire time, though she’d confuse him again. Add more confusing feelings to the mix. But she promised the truth, didn’t she? “That hasn't changed. It's not like I tried much, I guess. I wanted to let you go, so badly. I should've known that I would eventually hurt you but I ignored my baggage...to live in that happiness with you. All this time apart, all it's done is left me hollow. I’m left with nothing, I lost you, gave you up, and I still disappointed her. It didn’t matter.” Before arriving, the answer was yes. Leaving was the only option, given where they stood. Then again, she also thought that he’d refuse to see her and kick her out before he even opened the door. So, things were all out of sorts for her to say the least.

Her head tilted to the side as he answered, Dougie didn’t sound all that convinced regarding her mother. Maybe she knew him too well, and maybe she’d heard this before. He wasn’t the first to give an unconvincing answer. It’s what she wanted to hear, but it wasn’t believable. No one had been able to convince her that yes, her mother did love her (deep down or whatever.) That, yes — the methods were a little crazy, but parents do some odd things for their children. Of course, Laurel was no longer a child, but seeking your parents’ approval didn’t have an age limit. She didn’t say anything further, this topic always left her shattered. Putting a pause to it as they edged towards more difficult conversations seemed like peak Laurel behavior.

He would always be able to put a smile on her face, she was certain of it. It was probably an odd sight, laughing while their tears were semi-dry. “You definitely did.” Everything she learned with him, they were lessons she kept close to her heart. Reminders of the best man in the world, one she was lucky enough to even know and love. “Okay, maybe nine is too many. Maybe I just wanted to make sure you did hear them. You’re sure you received them? I could keep going…” she trailed off, really just teasing at this point. There’s only so many ways to apologize, unless she knew another language, which she didn’t. But Laurel was happy to know he did receive all the apologies, no matter how tiresome they became towards the end. He laughed again and a frown formed on her face. Was he laughing at her? Oh. Relief set in once more. He wasn’t, but he was disagreeing with another comment of hers. She should be used to this by now. Cruel to rank your exes..yikes, so maybe she shouldn’t mention that she did somewhat do that. Keep some unofficial list of her best and worst exes. Doug made top of the list for best one, though there wasn’t much competition to begin with. Would he like to know that? Everyone else in her life had been lackluster, he was a gem in her life. Laurel thought about his answer, not even close. The words echoed in her mind. It was comforting, sorta. “I find that kind of hard to believe, but also now I’m a bit concerned how I’m not even close. What were your other exes doing?” If Laurel made this whole mess, and still didn’t make top three, then it did beg the question what others had done to him.

Being in his arms again, it didn’t feel real just yet. Laurel had dreams like this before, being caught in a warm hug from Dougie only to wake up alone. But, those dreams were missing details. The scent of his cologne had begun to fade in her memories, no matter how much she held on to it. That was here now and the memories rushed back. The soft material of his sweater was added comfort. She never wanted to move from here. Reaching for him was another impulsive decision, but one that finally paid off. To hug him again was to breathe freely. To feel alive. Laurel knew this didn’t really mean anything for them. It didn’t sway the situation one way or the other, but it just felt right. She never should’ve left from this embrace. Her breathing slowed down, feeling herself relax just a bit more. If this was it, she’d understand. This was a good way to go, Laurel knew that eventually she’d have to step away from this hug. “I’m not too sure yet,” she admitted, in regards to what she’d do to make it up to him. “I just want to make this up to you, make things right. Whatever that means to you, I would do anything..to fix things.” Her words were barely above a whisper, but given their proximity, she knew he’d hear her. And Laurel wasn’t exaggerating. She’d give anything, do anything to make things right. Depending on what that looked like for Dougie. Anything he asked, he got it — Laurel would do whatever he asked. That was new one for her, giving someone else the control and power to decide (someone who wasn’t her family, at least.) She missed him, loved him too much - plain and simple. A part of her was missing since the day she drove away. Nothing could fill that space, the one she had carved out specially for him. “I know it’s not helping, saying all this. I’m probably confusing you more, I’m sorry…but I..it’s the truth, it’s all I have.” Laurel felt his embrace tighten, and she could only do the same. Distance was non-existent right now, and she let herself get lost in that moment. This wasn’t a dream, he was really holding her. She never thought she’d be able to do this again, but it was happening. Her heart was exploding with happiness, and reaching a slower rhythm all at once. Her heart quickly recognized his touch, the gentle arms around her. Even her mind failed to remind her this wasn’t permanent, too distracted by this. He missed her, a pinch in her chest as she remembered his messages, the voicemails. “You did…” it wasn’t a question, that he missed her. Laurel heard every message. Reread every text, each time being too much of a coward to answer the phone. Eventually shutting it off and tossing it in an old drawer. “I know, I…I got your messages. And I don’t want to say I’m sorry, but I am.” Tenth time’s the charm? “I just…I love you, and I regret everything I did. And the worst thing is, I know there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I can promise you the stars, and it still wouldn’t be enough to make everything right.” Had he just kissed her? Well, not like that! But she couldn’t help noticing it. How that small kiss caused goosebumps on her arms. Oh god, she was putty in his hands. “I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if you were mad at me, yelled at me or something. Maybe, I don’t know, I could figure something out,” she admitted quietly. Or perhaps, she was just too accustomed to anger. Her first (and often, only) method of communication. According to her, it helped her think.

[peacelongingmoved]

my muses for halloween ;;

eugene géroux - he’d dress in hot victorian drag, omg. mark me as both scared and horny.

willow douglas - m.adonna in the l.ike a v.irgin music video, oh my

skylar douglas - l.una l.ovegood, oh my

noah blackwood - nope. not gonna happen. 

lennon blake - he’s d.anny z.uko, of frickin’ course

josephine morrison - w.ednesday a.dams, she’s that kinda gal

ian garcía - ian, charles, violeta and noah dress up as g.hostbusters, don’t @ me.

damon clement - NOPE, he’s a grumpy old man

danique koppelman - can you imagine him dressed as h.an s.olo tho ?

mackenzie adams - a good ol’ classic witch !

lucien boucher - he doesn’t dress up. he hates halloween because of the cheesy vampire costumes

aneni davis - she’d just wear a panda onesie, bc lazy.

happy halloween !!!

[cursivebloodlines]

Muse: Douglas "Dougie" Blackwood

Open to: F/NB | Mutuals and non-mutuals

Scenario: "you broke my heart two years ago when you decided to leave and i finally moved on, and now you tell me you’re back for good?”

Created with Beta | Open Starters tag (All old starters were made with legacy, let me know if you ever need one reposting with beta). | @indiestarter

"Two years," Dougie's voice shook as he tried so desperately to keep his tone steady. That had always been difficult for him, his emotions worn on his sleeve, just like his heart. "It took you two years to decide you want me again?"His arms crossed over his chest like he was putting up a barrier between them. He knew things had been a bit difficult prior to her leaving, but he never thought it was that bad for her to just up and leave without a care in the world. Like he was nobody. All this time, he wondered what he did wrong, what he could've done to salvage their relationship if he had the chance. But that's the problem; there was no chance.

Everything he ever wanted to say was at the tip of his tongue. All the words he never had the chance to, that he'd mentally locked away ready to be unleashed at any moment. The sleepless nights, the tears, the isolation... Every wave of emotion cut him to his core at that moment, reminding him of all the pain and agony he'd endured when she cut ties with him. And what was he supposed to do? Welcome her back with open arms?

"I-I...I don't know what you expect me to say," Dougie uttered, sheer pain engraved on his face, torn between wanting to forget about everything that happened and continue on as normal instead. But hadn't he been hurt enough? Despite his tidal wave wreckage of emotions flooding through his bloodstream, he never raised his voice, never sounded angry... Just confused. Almost broken. Remembering all the times they had together... he blinked away the stinging sensation of his eyes. "Two years is - it's a long time," he said weakly, "I am not the same person as I was back then. And neither are you. I-I don't even know who you are anymore..." for as long as he could remember, he had always been a giver of second chances. But this? This was a lot to digest.

[cursivebloodlines]

His mum had always told him he’d be a good dad someday. Someday. Dougie just didn’t think that some day would be coming sooner rather than later. He was always praised for having a ‘good head on his shoulders’. A head that screwed with him on a daily basis but at least it was screwed on right. That’s what he was always told. Which irked him in some ways because he did not feel like he had his life together at all. And now they were here – all it took was one instance of not being sensible and careful and now there was a child on the way. But…they could make it work, couldn’t they? Was he deluding himself to believe something that couldn’t be further from the truth? They could make it worth for the sake of the child, if that was something they both settled on deciding. A big if and a big maybe. It was hard to think clearly, the news still fresh and raw to both of them. A brash decision wasn’t one to be made overnight. Scarlett was far more than just a roommate… and clearly, far more than just a best friend. How long would be able to keep his brewing feelings at bay for her, if they decided to go down this road? And if they didn’t, what would that do to their relationship then? So many possibilities, ways it could go wrong… but Dougie was a man of hope. A hope that said: what if they could go right?  Maybe he was just dreaming. Wanting to see the best view. Would it complicate things further if he confessed his feelings for her? Would it make it a bit easier?  Rubbing at his face, so many thoughts came and went. Scarlett’s voice brought him out of his little trance, wherever his mind wandered and his expression softened at her plea. Blue eyes fixated on hers so she knew he was being sincere, he took a step forward and rested a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “I promise you. No matter what happens. You’re stuck with me until you’ve decided you’re sick of me,” he attempted to joke, half a smile etched on his lips in a hopefully assuring manner. Truth was, he was scared shitless, too. But whatever she needed him to be, Dougie would be. Or at the very least, he would try his hardest to be. No matter what – because he loved her, and that’s what you do for those you love. Sighing heavily, he wondered what would make things easier. “We’re not going to solve this overnight,” he pointed out, “Maybe we should sleep on it? Shall we do something to take our mind off of things for a bit? Go out, catch a movie, have dinner, uh – I s’pose drinks are out of the question, um,” he suggested, scratching his head in thought, scrambling to figure out something for them to do. “Or go for a walk. Or anything?”

This wasn't supposed to be the plan. The plan was if she were to have kids it would be with somebody that she loved with her entire heart and soul. Somebody whome she would spend the rest of her life with, not her best friend, not her roommate. Not that she didn't feel something for him. She did, this just kicked everything into high gear. Kicked things to a place that she wasn't mentally prepared for. Neither of them were! He wasn't ready to be what she needed nor was she. They weren't prepared to be parents, they never talked about it and here they were in the tough and tricky situation where they could have a baby. Standing like she was frozen in time she wasn't exactly being fair to Dougie. She was getting angry at him when it wasn't even completely his fault. It was hers too. She could have said no, she could have not kissed him, she could have not taken his clothes off but it was just such a right feeling. Kissing him, having sex. It just frustrated her because with this bomb that went off it wasn't like she could suggest that they could be together. That they just be a family together. The whole thing made her laugh as little as she pushed her fingers up into her hair. ❝ I don't know.. I just... All I need to know is I won't lose you. Ever Dougie. Promise me that if I keep it or terminate? ❞ She longer she waited though she felt like she would end up keeping it, feeling like it would be too late, feeling like she was too invested and connected to their child. ❝ I'm just so lost. ❞

[cursivebloodlines]

What sad planet analogy are you?

Tagged by: @overnightheartbeats (tysm I love you!!!) Tagging: @justpretxnd @brokenbcys @huntrcssqueen @carlosreyeswrites @florxdexcerezos and anyone else who feels like it! I'm extra and can't choose which muse so...I'm doing them for all 6 of my main clowns :) you guys choose whoever/however many muses you'd like to do them for!

Douglas Blackwood

The Earth; the planet with life is slowly dying You have always been someone so lively and caring, wherever you go you have always been able to make others smile, you've helped so many people with your kind and nurturing personality. Yet, where are they when you need them?, where are they when you're at your worst?. Lately you've felt like you have slowly lost your spark, as if you were slowly dying on the inside, and nobody cared, nobody tries to help you, nobody takes care of you, people only want you when you are useful for them but once you're no longer available they throw you out as if you were tarsh, and you're sick of it

Lydia Collins

Saturn is slowly losing its rings You have always been someone very smart, ambitious and extremely calm and collected, yet you feel as if you were slowly losing yourself. You've started to act different, you are losing many people around you, as if everyone and everything was slowly leaving you, it makes you feel helpless, you want to take control of your life again, yet you don't know how

Aaron Carter

Neptune is drifting away from the solar system You're tired of everything, you are so sick of everyone around you and nothing makes you feel better anymore. You don't find worth in staying this way, you want to leave everything, to go somewhere very far away where nobody knows your name, and maybe then you could finally be free

Tessa Locke

The bright sun, so surrounded yet so lonely

You've always been someone very upbeat and outgoing, you are someone very positive and you love being around people, you are a legend, a star, a born leader. Yet you can feel sometimes as if that wasn't enough, everyone thinks your life is perfect when in reality you feel lonely and out of place, in fact you don't like being alone, it makes you anxious. You really wish you could tell others about all those feelings you hide behind that smile, but you feel like they wouldn't understand

Zoe Lancaster

Even Mars used to have water on its surface

People think you're very aggressive and blunt, that you're too rough and that don't seem to care about anything or anyone, but that's a lie. You weren't always like this, you were once so gentle and full of hope, so naive yet so sweet, but you had to adapt yourself. You've had to learn the cruelness of life in the hard and painful way, that's why you act the way to do, but deep inside that strong and harsh exterior, a small version of your old self still remains

Logan Chadwick

The bright sun, so surrounded yet so lonely

You've always been someone very upbeat and outgoing, you are someone very positive and you love being around people, you are a legend, a star, a born leader. Yet you can feel sometimes as if that wasn't enough, everyone thinks your life is perfect when in reality you feel lonely and out of place, in fact you don't like being alone, it makes you anxious. You really wish you could tell others about all those feelings you hide behind that smile, but you feel like they wouldn't understand

[cursivebloodlines]

@florxdexcerezos | continued from here!

"Well, yeah. Yeah. I s'pose you're right," Dougie chuckled quietly after giving it some thought. It felt nice to finally feel like that weight have been lifted a little, to be able to at least laugh after his little "I do like cats and you always tell me I'm soft, so I will just have to take your word for it, hm?" he added, offering her a little smile, his thumbs tracing idle shapes against her soft skin, as though that also kept him grounded, back on this planet at least. "Oh god, that's definitely gonna stick now, isn't it? Dougie the duckmon. Christ." He absolutely didn't mind though. It wasn't the worst thing to be called. And from what he could remember - which was not a lot, in all honesty - a lot of Pokemon were cute. Meeka could make anything sound adorable, though. Maybe that was why. After giving both options some thought, he felt quite worn out from his little incident. And maybe part of him was worried that he may have a repeat, or get triggered easier if they were to be out for much longer. "Honestly, think that whole um, you know - this thingy has taken it out of me," he said sheepishly, quite frankly ashamed about it all. "I think maybe it's best if we go home. I mean! that's if you don't mind, of course."

[cursivebloodlines]

the og6 + character aesthetics

[cursivebloodlines]

Dougie should have known the result of making idiotic comments was potential upset and usually a response he had not braced himself for. If he had any common sense in the world, he would have known. It would have been obvious — because in what world would anyone's sibling want to chase after their sister’s boyfriend? However, nothing could quite prepare him for the words that came out of Serena’s mouth. Hearing the slight harshness in the way she said it made him feel stupid. Caused him to flinch back slightly, almost cowering away a little as he nodded his head sheepishly, wishing the ground could swallow him whole. It made the fact, a thought that only vaguely lingered in the back of his head, and it screwed it tighter until it became real. A solid, concrete fact. Not that it ever was anything different, of course he always knew that. But still, it cemented it in. Made it hurt that little more.

Part of him wanted to reply to that comment. Why did it hurt? It was the truth. But there was that niggling part of Dougie that wanted to…argue. Argue that she could have said something before her sister even got involved. Wait, did she even like him then? Before? Or was it only when he started seeing her sister that it all began? If that were the case then it would have made sense for her not to say anything. He wanted to tell her that he only ever said yes when Taylor approached him because as pathetic as it sounded, she was the first person to ever notice him in that kind of light before. The first person who thought of him as boyfriend material. Even now, he was hopeless. Forever missing the key signs when someone took interest in him. They had to literally spell it out to him because he really was that dense in the romance department. Some things never changed in that regard, and to be honest he has probably gotten worse over the years. At the time, Taylor did that. And he went along with it because it felt great! Made him feel great! No, Dougie was not perfect; he would always be the first person to volunteer that fact to anyone who knew him. And anyone who didn’t, for that matter. So even though it was hard to admit, deep down he had other intentions, too. Meaning he could see more of Serena, because she was the first girl he’d ever laid eyes on and thought wow. She was too good for him. She would never think of him that way, she was just shy like him, it didn’t mean anything. A teenage boy with an innocent crush he’d harboured deep down inside because he never thought for a second that he stood a chance with someone as lovely as her. Yes, he did use his relationship with Taylor to see Serena when he could. Even if it was a brief glimpse of her as he walked out the front door of their home. Whether it was a shy smile or a timid ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye.’ To Dougie, it was worth it. It had always been worth it. Now, he wished he could rewind and do it all again. Maybe he had a chance to do now what he couldn’t do before. Becoming suddenly increasingly aware of how he was stumped by the workings of his silly brain, he cleared his throat as if it would gather himself together. “When you put it like that…” he mumbled sheepishly, his eyes fixated on his shoes, too much of a coward to look at her at that moment. “Yeah, no — I see why that…why that could be a problem. Um, I’m sorry.” His default stance. Apologetic. Always sorry for something. Of course, he would screw it all up.

Maybe he was being melodramatic. However, even with the smallest bit of stress, it would send him over the edge. Always being at fault, it was the default. He could never get it right, and he wanted to get it right this time. Dougie parted his lips to speak, to utter more apologies and stumble over his words some more but Serena spoke and he lost all ability to speak. No sound came out. There she was, asking him if he felt the same way... but there was something about the way she talked. Like she was talking about the present tense. You wouldn't happen to feel the same way, would you? He had to tread carefully, not wanting to potentially upset her, wouldn't want to misread the situation. Surely she couldn't be talking about the present tense, could she? It was the first time after many, many years since they'd last seen each other. People change in different ways, nobody was the same as they were back in school. Yet... yet he wondered. Dougie had always worn his heart on his sleeve, it was what got him hurt time and time and time again. There was no way she meant now. Not after all this time. There was no way, there was no way, there was no way. Yet a small piece of him, a glimmer of hope, that young boy still there somewhere deep inside of him dared to wonder, dared to dream... But what if it is? So, what was it to be for him? Take the leap of faith and potentially fall flat on his face, or allow Serena to forever be the one who got away? His gaze met hers, and for a moment, he was transported back to those days when stolen glances and fumbled words were the currency of their unspoken connection. The way her eyes held his, with a mixture of vulnerability and hope, tugged at something deep within him. It was as though the past and the present had collided, leaving him vulnerable and exposed.

There were so many ways this could go horribly right... but surely there was an equal number of ways it could go right. That finally the tide had turned and luck may finally fall on his side for once. A second chance. He took a moment to observe her delicate features, his eyes tracing the contours of her face as though committing every detail to memory. It was all or nothing. "I did," he finally said after a long waited moment. Hesitation and trepidation indicated in his tone, voice so quiet he could hardly hear himself speak, made him wonder if he even opened his mouth. "I did," he repeated, a little clearer this time. Dougie inhaled shakily then, a brief flicker of hesitation. This was it. Just one more push. "I do." Releasing the breath he'd just inhaled, he finally admitted, "I always felt the same. I had no idea... I -I..." At the tip of his tongue the words it was always meant to be you dangled on the precipice. But he did not want to overstep. Any ounce of bravery soon vanished when Serena asked whether this knowledge would change anything between them. The build-up dissipated, evaporated into thin air and the man was a boy once more. "Change?" he repeated with perplexity, brow furrowing with slight confusion. Where was she going with this? Where was he going with this? "No... I - it doesn't have to change anything. I mean - not unless - I think... uh, sorry. I'm not good with words." A weak laugh, his eyes darted to anywhere but her for a second or so as if it would help him focus. "Not unless... did you want it? For things to change? I mean - I... I don't unless you... unless you want to and-but..." Another heavy sigh fell from his lips, trying to hide the fact that everything was rushing out so incredibly wrong. Why did everything always sound better in his head? "I don't want to pretend this never happened... did you? Did you want... did you want that?"

There was something in the air. She could almost feel it. Something was different. Maybe she was having a stupid hunch or maybe something was really up but Serena felt as if something had changed between them. Maybe it was just her. Now she felt as if her heart was sitting right open on an operating table. It was probably just a feeling now that all her was exposed. The truth was out and she felt freaking vulnerable. Almost as if she was ready for anything, for him to reject her, for him to laugh at her in her face, for him to just think it was an adorable anecdote they should laugh about. As always, she was always ready for rejection. She ready to get punched -figurative not literal- after a caress. Her brain was almost programmed to suffer, to have a hard time. When were good things going to happen to her? Maybe it was time he manifested something good for her because fate was being fucking cruel with her enough.

Doug looked somewhere between surprised and nervous. Not that she was surprised that her sister hadn't told him that Serena had been in love with him, but partly she had hoped that he might have noticed her. Serena had probably been a clumsier teenager than usual around him. It almost seemed like he wanted to say something he wasn't saying, like he couldn't find the words. Well, that made it two of them. She was more than lost and her brain couldn't form a single coherent word "When was I supposed to tell you? While you were dating my sister?" She hadn't wanted him to feel attacked and that had sounded a little louder than she had intended. Maybe that had been too harsh but it was the truth. By the time Doug had started dating Taylor, he had become off-limits for Serena. There was no way she could be with him without her whole family having a say but most of all, there was no way she could be with Doug without comparing herself to her sister. Taylor had always been the perfect sister in every way, her parents had always made it clear, and it was impossible not to see that her sister was much more successful in almost every area. She was incredibly sociable, she had thousands of friends, everyone always highlighted something about her, if it wasn't her beauty, it was her intelligence and if not, it was something as small as her smile or her green eyes, by the way complete opposite from Serena's blue ones. She hated putting herself in that place, she never ended up feeling good when she compared herself to Taylor -she always tried not to because she ended up losing against her much more perfect older sister- but in that case it was necessary to do it. Doug was Taylor's ex after all. Comparing himself with her sister was almost necessary. It was what everyone would do if they found out about all that. The next thing they'd do was wonder if she'd tried to take him from Taylor back when they were still together. Technically it had been the other way around but it's not like anyone was going to believe Serena anyway even though she was telling the truth. Taylor was simply too lovely to allow that. Serena had spent a lot of time envying her sister for a lot of reasons, mainly whatever she had that made their parents so proud of her eldest daughter. Though if she had to be honest, the thing she'd always envied most of Taylor was that she'd had Doug.

"You wouldn't happen to feel the same way, would you?" She was practically speaking in the present tense and admitting to him that she'd clung deep down to some stupid teenage love that she'd never been able to let go. That was quite pathetic and it was foolish to even ask that. God, it sounded horrible and Serena realized it as soon as her sentence left her lips. It sounded almost like she was begging him and at the same time it sounded as casual as if she was asking him if he preferred sweet or salty popcorn. Now there was no going back. As clumsy as she was, she had practically begged him to want her back. It was as pathetic as it sounded and much worse out loud than in her head. Serena knew from her own experience—with her parents mostly—that there was nothing worse than begging for love when the other person wasn't interested. That kind of rejection was like a one-sided unrequited love. If she had to think about it, she was tired of giving and never receiving. When was it going to be her time to win? The time when she was dealt a good hand of cards? Didn't she deserve to be wanted just as much as anyone else? Most of the time Serena believed that love was not made for her. That she just wasn't the kind of person who could have that. Doug's rejection would almost confirm that. If not even her childhood love wanted her, who would?

The dance had been long forgotten, now they were just swaying gently almost out of inertia not because either of them was paying attention to what they were doing "Does this change anything between us? We can always pretend this never happened" That was the thing. She didn't want to pretend that nothing had happened. Serena wanted that to mean something but at the same time if he was going to reject her then she would prefer that they just forget about it. With some luck, she would only run into him once in a while around town or at an event like Eric's or Emma's birthday and that was gonna be it. Thing was, that changed everything, at least for Serena. If he hadn't asked, then she would never have said anything. She probably would have gone to her grave with that information wondering 'what if' for the rest of her days.