#mundaneboomerang

[mundaneboomerang]

Starting a Family

The concept is not foreign at all to my ears but it follows me everywhere. It’s not uncommon for people in their 20s to be bombarded with quips on settling down and having a few kids in today’s society. Not everyone wants kids and I’m fully supportive of that but I am one of those people who just wants to be a parent eventually. Just not right now. 

I never thought of myself as the parenting type until I was in my early university years when it was plausible to think about it happening maybe five years in the future. Things change as you grow older. Someone who you once trusted could now be a memory of being held back or a mutual series of events can cause disaster and the time line changes. These things happen. It’s just life. As I navigated through the start of my adult life, I realized more and more that my want for children was still very strong but I wanted to hold off longer due to many factors. Not everyone does that and that’s totally okay, but for me the timing isn’t right.

I have many friends who don’t want that in their life. I applaud them. You should be confident in your choices. It’s okay not to want to be a parent. I hate that society looks down upon it. Do what you want and what is best for you. I have quite a few people in my life who thrive this way and ultimately it inspired me to take huge steps recently. 

I come from two giant families and surround myself with quite a few good friends on a constant basis. So I have always assumed I would create my own type of family. Living alone really wore down my emotions, so I invested in the idea that I might get a pet since I’m not ready to have a child yet. My friends who don’t want kids made the suggestion since most of them are pet mommies and pet daddies.

After the holidays, I saved some money and researched places in the area to adopt. I knew I wanted a kitten, but not tiny enough to get lost. I don’t have the energy on a daily basis for a puppy. So at the end of January, I adopted a five month old kitten who is called Danvers.

Danvers’ name of course comes from Supergirl but not because I’m a fan of the show. On international adoption day, many of the cast members posted about it and so the name Danvers became a front runner while I tried to come up names. It eventually stuck. 

Danvers is one of the best decisions I have ever made. He’s the sweetest little man and always knows how to make me feel better when I’m upset. He loves cuddles and tummy rubs. He is always up to play or have a lively chat. Danvers makes me less anxious and gets me to smile more. He’s also gives me the ability to channel my energy into positive outlooks. Sometimes all we need in life is the ability to care for someone else in order to help our problems.

[lilwelshdinosaur]

So I started a blog about anxiety and junk. You should read it.

[mundaneboomerang]

Passion Fashion

I never knew how wonderful the world of costuming was until I somehow ended up in it years later as an adult. I was never in high school musicals or plays unless I was forced to in grade school. I always watched the older kids at ren faires and conventions dress up and always wanted to join. I did small costumes here and there a few times but it was never at a caliber I really wanted. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to such things.

Fast forward a decade and meeting quite a few amazing people later, I dress up about four times a year and I turn into this different person. An actress. I portray bad ass women. Strong Women. Sensitive women. Several kinds of women that I don’t necessarily embody on a daily basis, but I tend to have a lot of fun being them for a few hours. 

My therapist once said that it was extraordinary how I could put aside my feelings for a little while and somehow go through emersion therapy in the process while having fun. No joke. The first two years I attended Dragon*Con in Atlanta, I would weave in and out of the cosplayers on the second floor of the Marriott. Just to see the costumes and to see how long I could last. Now it is not a normal thing for people to do, but it is something I would do. I don’t recommend it. 

One of my friends does commissions as her job, so I go to her when I want costumes. Many people ask why I don’t just make the costumes myself, but I work a full time job and have a lot of stress from anxiety. Also as I stated before, I’m a perfectionist. I like all the details to be nearly perfect. Lake Fairy Creations does such amazing work and she allows me to be as involved as possible. I watch her work and she describes to me what she is doing. I’ve learned a lot and am even trying to make things on my own. 

I normally don’t favor a convention, but the one I attended last weekend is my favorite. It’s a local gathering where people in the nerd and costuming communities hang out after the holidays. It’s a Scifi writers convention to be specific but it is widely known for cosplaying and the panel participation. I like to refer to it as Super Friends Con because if you aren’t friends at the start, you are by the end. 

I have always questioned where I am in the community. I have always wondered how I can help others. Am I actually a part of it? I never felt that way. Not until last weekend when I was sitting in a room at this small, local con with four people I greatly admire. Amongst many conversations we had that night, I found myself speaking about how I wanted to see more children involved in conventions and cosplay. I found myself passionately speaking up for the children, wanting to get parents involved to since most parents don’t understand or think ill of the art of cosplay, and would willingly volunteer to run children’s programming if asked. My parents have always been supportive of me dressing up and going to conventions. Some parents don’t understand and I personally feel that parent-child relationships can be fostered if you help your children out with what they like to do. Why would making or participating in cosplay be any different? I hope I can help out soon.

Surprisingly, costuming and cosplay have helped my disorders tremendously. I feel so confident sometimes when I walk around in long coats or jedi robes. I also get to pretend to be a witch or a crazy person. I connect deeply with my characters and it helps me relax a little. I also have a lot of friends through the community and have fun just being me. Finding a hobby that helps with my anxiety and depression has changed my life. I encourage others to find something they enjoy and try to see if it helps your disorders too. Some days, I can’t believe that I am the person and the picture below, but it is me. And I felt so incredible being me!

Me as Elphaba from Wicked in Altanta, GA.

Photographer: photosNXS

Makeup Artist:  Mint to Be Makeup Artistry

Costume Commission: Lake Fairy Creations

[mundaneboomerang]

I'm not Supergirl, I'm just her sister.

I have three main disorders I maintain daily. Chronic depression, an aggressive case of General Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. My therapist is pretty sure I also suffer from a few spectrum disorders as well, but due to the ability to cope, other professionals decided to ignore them. Every day is a new challenge and a new day signals a fresh start most of the time. My days are based on the energy I have.

There is a popular theory called The Spoon Theory that gives a measurement to the energy you have daily for activities. The woman invented The Spoon Theory, Christine Miserandino, explained to a friend who was unaffected by a disability about how each little thing she did everyday took a certain amount of energy and used the physical metaphor of spoons in a diner. Each day you have a certain amount of spoons, sometimes more and sometimes less depending on the day, and each action of the day costs an amount of spoons. When you run out, that's it. You have no more energy to do anything, thus leading to a break down or a flare up or something that just stops you. So people with disabilities use their "spoons" wisely. I agree with the theory, but I personally think it's personal to each individual case. For me, how it looks changes daily. One day it looks like a heath bar from a old school fighting game and another it’s just a stack of of coins. Same concept, different day. Sometimes I regain energy from things like taking a nap or eating a snack, but ultimately i keep a close eye on my meter. 

I find that I come across the same situations consistently. I have friends, family, coworkers, etc who always seem to think they know what’s best for me when I’ve been dealing with these problems my whole life and it’s not their fault they do not understand fully. But after having to explain for the millionth time, I get frustrated. Mad even.  I have to remember though, most of these people who are close to me do not experience what I do. So it’s important to inform them and be patient. For those of you who don’t deal with this kind of stuff every day, it’s okay. My advice to you is to listen and just try to understand. They are not excuses. They are truths. When I say I have no energy after work or that I don’t feel like going out, it’s the truth. It doesn’t matter how much I want to see that movie, go work out, or have a night of fun and drinks, I just can’t. There’s no energy left. Those of us with disabilities sometimes just can’t do things and that’s fine. Maybe tomorrow.

Everyone has breakdowns. It’s inevitable. They way America is today, it is so difficult to be a adult. You work so hard just to make the bare minimum and it’s still not enough for your boss and their boss. I crunch numbers for a big company so I have breakdowns a lot. In the midst of a breakdown, one thing I always seem to say or think is “I’m not Superwoman. Why does everyone expect me to be Superwoman?” Where did this concept come from where we all have to be this superhero just to get through the day? Even for the most mundane of jobs, people expect them to offer blood and right leg for their job. I don’t consider myself a superhero. I never have and it’s only recently I discovered, not only superheroes are the strong ones in their world.

Recently, I started watching the CW’s Supergirl. When I recently I actually mean binge watched it on my sister’s Netflix while watching her dogs over a weekend last month. What’s not to love? It has superheroes, badass fighting, strong women, fantastic writing, and amazing music composition. The story line is so interesting and it’s quite different from every other superhero show out there. What I appreciate the most is the amazing character development. It’s only in the second season, but there is already evident growth from many of the characters. Needless to say I’m hooked and it’s my number one watch for the week.

Don’t worry! No spoliers here! I just started realizing how many people are in Kara’s life. All of which have their own problems that the viewer gets to see and how I was like a few of them. I was immediately drawn to to Kara’s sister, Alex. The strong older sister who feels the need to protect her younger sister even if it’s not the best way to go about it. Boy, do I know that! I wasn’t the best older sister, but I’m trying to be better now (Those stories are for another time perhaps). As I got further and further into the story, Alex started standing out more and more to me. A woman on her own, concerned about her family and her job, and running herself thin constantly. She breaks down and is human. Human. The opposite of the show’s main character, but that’s not what the show is about. Suddenly, it was clear. In a world where aliens and humans exist, Alex Danvers is her own type of strong. She’s only a human, yet uses her brains and brawn to be someone extraordinary. She is a member of a team that cannot exist without her. And that’s who I want to be!

Everyday is a new day to prove yourself. Or find yourself. Or be yourself. And you can be whoever you want. Somedays are harder than others. Somedays you don’t have enough energy and others you break down. Then there are some days you discover something new about yourself. Most days I hate having a few disorders, but it is all about managing your energy and having a better outlook. I feel a lot better when I can just say: “I don’t have to be Superwoman. I don’t want to be.” There are other people in this world besides superheroes and I think I’m one of them. So I’m not Supergirl, I’m just her sister.

[mundaneboomerang]

Holiday Blues? No, I won’t allow it this year.

One of the biggest issues as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety is the outlook on the holiday season. I have noticed over the years that holidays slightly warp in the mind when the season starts. Winter Holidays are the worst for me. I feel so overwhelmed when Thanksgiving and Christmas come around. I do enjoy the family time, of course, but there are so many requirements of people and so much energy used. Since Americans just had Thanksgiving, I’m going to focus on December holidays. My family celebrates Christmas, so my examples will be from there even though I am not religious. 

When you’re a kid, you don’t have to worry about much. Just getting to eat and getting gifts and playing in the snow if you’re from a place that gets snow in December. Also I remember a time where it was okay to have a holiday party at school and call it a party. As an adult, there are bills, having to work over time, remembering everyone to buy gifts for and appearing at almost a dozen holiday functions. It can all feel frustrating and lonely, but don’t fret! There are ways to pull you into a better mood even when things seem bleak. 

Please note that these are things that work for me with my anxiety and depression. Every case of Anxiety and/or depression is different, so what works for me may not work for someone else. I figured out my methods from trial and error and I believe that’s really how to go about disorders like these.

Make a playlist. I love music and making playlists is something I take great though and time to do. Now I am not the biggest fan of Christmas music. I was in band for years and we always started Christmas Music in October in every key, every year. So I only listen to it for two days and that’s it. If it helps you get into the spirit, go ahead! Load up Leroy Anderson’s Sleigh Ride and Trans Siberian Orchestra and enjoy! I’m currently working on a playlist that is revolved around portraying love through wordless music.

Take a friend to your work party. Work parties can be pretty intimidating, if you aren’t dating or married, having a friend come along with you can calm your nerves. It creates a small barrier between you and others. Also it can come in handy to have your friend talk you down if you feel like you are going to have an episode. I use this one when I get a plus one for weddings too, because it really helps.

Don’t dwell if you can’t afford gifts. We’ve all been there. Bills and Rent to pay. Student loans. Car loans. Food. Utilities. They cost so much. To be honest, I’m surprised I have money to go into gift giving this year. Sometimes you just can’t afford it. My nieces and nephew usually don’t get gifts this time of year because they know that Auntie has to pay bills and that she will make it up to them somehow. Sometimes an offer to help family or friends out is the best gift out there. They’ll understand if you can’t get them something. Just being there is the key. We all have our own talents. Find someway to gift through that. It’s the thought that counts.

Make your own traditions. It’s important to have personal traditions in your life because it’s something you can say you created. For me, this is my first Christmas living alone and I won’t be celebrating at home. So I decided that this year that I’m going to do something new since I’ve been feeling a little sad that there isn’t going to be a family tree or decorating my parents place like there has been in the past. We’re all going to be at my older sister’s place, where she has a tree and all, but still there wont be traditions that I’m used to. I have begun looking for my own stocking that I will hang up in my apartment. Something personal that I pick out and eventually once I add to my family, we’ll pick out stockings for them too. It will remind me of this year when I was a twenty-something who finally made it out on their own. It will be special. So find that little something just for yourself and plan to do it again next year. It gives you one thing to look forward to next year and one thing to be in control of.

Drink and Be Merry! There are cases where this isn’t a good idea, but I am one person who loves to have a nice cocktail during the holidays! I know there are several people I know who don’t actually say anything, but will think things about me having a glass of wine or a few cocktails during gatherings, but it helps me mellow out. Social gatherings are stressful, especially with family around. I love fun drinks that are nicknamed, hot hard apple cider, mulled wine, Bailey’s and Hot Cocoa, Irish Coffee. It makes me feel so festive! Now there is a time and place for everything and sometimes it’s not appropriate, but for the times that it is, sit back and enjoy. Just be careful and safe when you do it. It’s supposed to be fun, not a disaster. 

Fixate on small positive things. Office gatherings tend to be the bane of everyone’s holiday season. I am not really a fan at all, but I still feel obligated to go because I am a team player and it is very important to my work image. My work is having theirs in a few weeks and like normal, I am unenthusiastic. The only thing getting me through that is knowing that I have a new eyeshadow pallet coming in the mail soon. I am making it my goal to find a new winter dress that goes perfect with the eyeshadow colours. That is the only thing that has me excited about this party. Why have the eyeshadow compliment the dress? I don’t know. I just want a fresh look to get me out of my rut. It doesn’t have to be clothes, just find something you are a little bit excited about and remind yourself of it often.

Treat Yo Self! It’s totally okay to get yourself a little something during the holidays. I am someone who preaches this because if you aren’t happy, how can you feel good about yourself? Buy yourself something. Make yourself something (I’m all about making myself some Pizza Bagels). Do something for yourself. Your life is mostly about you. That also means the holidays can be a little about you too. The holidays can be rough, but everyone has the power to cheer themselves up about them. Now, it is a hard thing to pull yourself out of the holiday rut and I mostly go back to being sad the next day, but I try to keep my spirits up because it’s a time for friends and family. Those are two of the most treasured things in my life. While the holidays are tough as a single lady in her late twenties, I try to maintain that there are things to look forward to during the winter. In the end, all that will be left are memories, right? So you should make some great ones while you can.

[mundaneboomerang]

All Over The Place

I spent all night last night trying to think of how to introduce myself and my conditions, but everything I wrote sounded way too clinical or business professional. So I will simply start with this: I am all over the place. That is the best way to describe me. I do a lot of different things everyday besides just going to work and crunching numbers. While I’m a homebody and love curling up on the couch in a blanket like any other introvert, I grew up in a fairly extroverted family where being busy all the time was normal. I have several social circles and talk to many people everyday. As a person with anxiety and panic disorders, this is challenging and exhausting, but it is how I live my life. My life can be hectic or boring depending on what’s going on and I am happy to have you along to see how I am dealing with my anxiety, panic, and depression.

I was diagnosed with depression at a young age as many children are these days. No surprise to my parents seeing as it runs in my family. The anxiety and panic disorders were not diagnosed until I was a freshman in college. It was pretty serious with all the embarrassing situations that lead to random hospital visits and the inability to go to class due to panic attacks. Things started clicking when one of the university counselors suggested the small idea that I might be having issues with anxiety. Even though I didn’t have any trouble moving out on my own for the first time, she explained that other aspects of my life seemed uncontrollable and caused physical and mental reactions. I learned that anyone can have an anxiety disorder and it's your job to find out how to cope with day to day that works best with your life. What works for me may not work for one of my friends or someone else. At school it was easier to just focus on survival and getting out of there and I didn't focus as much on myself as I should have. When I emerged, my anxiety consumed the majority of what I once called myself. Sure I knew who I was and what I liked to do but there was this constant barrier in front of me. It sort of reminds me of bat wings because instead of just a wall, the feeling wrapped around me like bats do when they sleep or feel threatened. After I graduated, I had to work on myself again and relearn to fly instead of hide.

There are a few things you should know about me. I live in North Carolina and if you haven’t seen the news or live in a different country, you would not be aware of the crap that goes on here. I’ll give you a second to google it if you wish, but right now things are a little bit ugly. I’m just a young adult trying to get by so I try my best to be a good citizen even if society around me looks grim. The weather here is hormonal. There is no other word for it, but I can assure you it is very annoying. During the day, I crunch numbers for a big energy company. I really want to help people eventually with my job, but right now it is good enough for me. I have a really deep connection with music and it’s often hard for me to describe. I listen to just about everything and am always up for recommendations because I live under a rock and hate commercials. I seriously hook up my 6 year old iPod Classic to my car and am in heaven. Music is a huge part of my life. For me, I want to share what I have learned over the years through this blog and hopefully I am helping people in the process. I want awareness for these types of issues because I feel that society still thinks they are all in people’s heads. As if you just be positive enough, these problems wont exist; but I can tell you from experience that these are real problems that take time and work. I just hope my voice is heard by just one person. 

So there you are reader, I applaud you for bearing with me. This is who I am and my story. My life may seem mundane to me, but I hope I encourage someone in this mess of life. I hope you enjoy my thoughts even if they are all over the place.