#mums being rly supportive of me as well now which is great

[badfey]

update on my disability situation (for whomstever is interested)

had my OT assessment today and it was So Good. i was expecting a physical assessment so i was hoping for an average-bad pain day so it would b more accurate to how bad it gets but it turns out that was completely unnecessary. the therapist just *listened* to me and asked me questions about my pain and fatigue and she ??? believed me??? i cant express how amazing it feels to be actually listened to by someone who 1. wants to help and 2. knows how to help, especially when ive spent almost 3 years trying to get doctors to listen to me

so anyway, from that session ive got some free support-compression gloves (and she said that they can order some XS in because the S may b too big ? theyre willing to do that for me!?) which i intend to decorate bc theyre ugly but idc im happy i got them. i also got some recs for other gloves and home ways to manage my pain. n she listened to me abt questioning to get a cane and she said it may b a good idea but i should ask physio first and they could get me a free one anyway. Also more info n now i have more confidence that ill b able to physically transition after i come out!! well surgery at least but thats good (hormones is still dependant on the array of hormonal, brain, heart, and blood problems tht put me at risk tho which im not gonna go into detail on now)

most significantly ive been referred to a support group for ppl w fibro, which runs for 6 weeks and i rly think it will be helpful. it clashes w one of my classes so im going to have to 1. tell my LSA that i have fibro which is smth ive been too scared to do before, and 2. ask him and my subject teacher if i can swap that lesson for a free another day. im gonna do that this week

also! the OT chased up my physio stuff for me!! since losing the referral letter at xmas ive called the general hospital, the dept i had the original appt with who referred me, the physio department, and the osteo dept and they all said there was no record of my referral. turns out i was referred to a different hospital (my local one) and for some reason the system cant keep records of any referrals to that hospital?? hangfddsbff Anyway its all sorted now i just need to call tomorrow morning and arrange the appt!!

so im feeling v positive about the future rn!

[itsclydebitches]

I kinda wonder, what could bakugou do (hori write bakugou to do) to make him less popular with the "anti" crowd. Like He was a horrid child no doubt and people who try to put blame on Deku or lessen the terrible shit bakugou did aren't great. But as we don't rly see it, we have to assume bakugous behaviour wasn't stopped, we only ever saw his mum "punishing" him when he was being rude after getting kiddnapped. Nothing will excuse what bakugou did, but he has stopped? He's overall a harsh person but he's not harrassing and bullying people anymore, specifically not deku, he's trying to attone for what he did to deku and has now apologised for it. His behaviour was never viewed as justified or good in the series, he's a scary figure in middle school, we're not meant to like his behaviour, so the series itself hasn't justified his actions.

As someone who relate to both bakugou and deku more than I'd like to admit (never told someone to jump tho, that's fucked lol) so I can 100% understand not liking or even hating bakugou but as someone who's not 15 anymore, looking back I also made a lot of really shitty decisions and like bakugou have tried to make up for it, and like deku I was 'friends' with people who hurt me.

Is there anything he can do for the "antis" to just dislike him rather that be "anti"?

(I'm very sorry if you've talked about this somewhere, you can just tell me to look for it if you have, I'll continue to look for your posts on the subject)

Hey there, anon! I think I’ve spoken about this only tangentially and/or in my main Bakugo meta, which is too big for anyone sane to read. So yeah, let’s chat here!

For me personally—and that’s all I can ever do: speak personally. I think it’s important to keep in mind that there is no single solution to please the “anti” crowd. Each fan will be looking for something slightly different in Bakugo’s character, much of which might contradict what a “stan” is currently enjoying. Given how charged a character he is, I'm not sure it's possible to get the entire fandom to like him—what I’m looking for hinges on having a different reading of the story than you seem to. Meaning, I think the series does justify his behavior. Not in any overt, super obvious way like having all the characters go, “Wow, Bakugo! I sure do love how you threaten people all the time. That’s super cool and heroic!” Things are rarely that straightforward. Rather, it’s in a more subtle, but consistent manner that paints a rather conclusive picture across hundreds of chapters.

Simply put, Bakugo is continually rewarded for his actions. Or, if not outright rewarded, his actions are ignored in a way that implies silent acceptance. Characters may not always like what he does... but they're willing to let it slide because Bakugo's heroism was always treated as a given, not something he had to earn and prove.

With the ever necessary disclaimer that I’m not fully caught up yet, here’s a list of some of the things that stood out to me in the first half of the series:

Bakugo’s bullying made him the most popular kid in school.

Bakugo’s bullying was ignored by/outright supported by the teachers.

Bakugo’s bullying did not hinder him from getting into U.A., one of the most prestigious hero schools around.

Despite acting horribly throughout his time at U.A. too, this behavior was continually ignored by the teachers and other authority figures around him.

Bakugo’s struggle to realize that other people aren’t “trash” doesn’t hurt his achievements in any way. He still gets top scores, still wins the tournament, etc.

Bakugo’s behavior gets him special attention from All Might, the greatest hero and Bakugo’s personal idol.

His behavior doesn’t make others dislike him in any manner that’s taken seriously. Everybody is still willing to not just put up with Bakugo, but—in time—start treating his behavior as a quirk (no pun intended lol) that they’re secretly fond of, rather than something he should legitimately be striving to change. Kirishima is the most overt example of this.

This is compounded by his behavior constantly being framed as humorous. Much like with Mineta’s perverted actions, characters might superficially go, “No, that’s bad!” but the story never demands any significant development because then we’d lose the “joke” of Bakugo screaming in rage at the slightest inconvenience, threatening to murder someone over nothing, constantly belittling everyone around him in a “funny” manner, etc. When fans talk about development of a manga character as archetypal and extreme as Bakugo, most don’t really want to see significant change to his base personality. Because then that would result in someone who doesn’t look like the “real” Bakugo: someone nicer, more even-tempered, more mature, etc. But for those of us who were never drawn to that personality in the first place, the continued acceptance of his rude, egotistical, and violent behavior is discomforting. The easiest comparison I can draw is between this and Bakugo’s mother slapping him. That slap is meant to be another “joke”—we see it constantly in shonen anime, something "humorous" you shouldn’t take too seriously because haha, it's just an overprotective mother—but many fans do take it seriously, using it as the basis for a whole “Bakugo was abused and this explains his behavior” reading. Well, I take the “joke” of Bakugo’s threats and insults seriously, especially in a story that starts with something like telling Izuku to jump off the roof. In the same way that many fans want others to treat Bakugo’s mother as a serious topic that has had a negative influence on his development, I want the series to take Bakugo’s everyday actions seriously as a negative influence on… well, everyone around him. But it doesn’t. His base personality is grudgingly adored.

The above two points are seen most overtly in Izuku, who never wavers in his respect for Bakugo despite how Bakugo treats him. Not just prior to U.A., but during their training too. Izuku, as the protagonist, is the emotional heart of this tale, so when he talks about how inspiring Bakugo is, it encourages the reader to see his behavior as inspiring too. Rather than, as said, something that needs to change. Izuku's continued friendship with Bakugo, his adoration of him, and his acceptance of the way he's treated has severely warped how the entire story sees Bakugo's actions. After all, if #pure Izuku can see the good in Bakugo, why can't everyone else? He must not be that bad after all.

I could get into detailed analyses of all the above—like how Bakugo was the one comforted after attacking Izuku outside the dorms at night and how the messed up relationship he has with Izuku is upheld as something to nurture; how the remedial courses he had to take were made to be rather silly, thereby undermining their supposed importance to his development; how Bakugo’s kidnapping had nothing to do with his flaws, but much of the fandom uses it as a way to dismiss any appropriate consequences because, “Hasn’t he suffered enough?” etc.—but in the interest of keeping this within a readable length, I’ll leave it at that. The point is that Bakugo has always been privileged when it comes to his behavior, resulting in others either outright praising it, ignoring it, or demanding that he change a miniscule bit, which always keeps him far below the standards of both his peers and the expectations of a hero. Everyone in 1-A must learn to be even better than the good people they already are... Bakugo needs to learn that other people aren't dirt at the bottom of his shoes. It's never been a particularly impressive development when pit against the rest of the class. All of which can make something like an apology feel pretty hollow. Yes, he’s apologized and I say with all seriousness that that’s great! But how does that apology stack up against 300+ chapters of content? As Bakugo’s words highlight, he's been a really awful person up "until now": he was consumed by Izuku being “miles ahead of [him],” he “looked down on [him]” because he didn’t have a quirk, he “didn’t want to recognize that,” he “hated that,” “grew distant,” “tried to beat you down,” “opposed you and tried to show my superiority over you,” and ends it all with, “it probably doesn’t mean anything telling you all this” before finally getting to the “I’m sorry.” This is basically a laundry list of how horrible a person Bakugo has been for the entire series, with an acknowledgement that this apology is coming really, really late. This is the moment where I could START to like Bakugo, depending on how he acts form here on out, but that pivotal moment arrived after six years of content and in the final arc of the story. It’s too late. Bakugo needed this kind of self-reflection and positive action 250+ chapters ago so he could (hopefully) grow into a better person across the story, not at the story's end. What we got instead is 322 chapters of him being a really horrible person, but the story going out of its way to excuse or even praise that behavior the majority of the time.

As a quick comparison to end on, I think what Bakugo needed was what Soo Jin got in True Beauty. You don’t need to have seen the drama to follow along. The tl;dr is that she has a lot of the core qualities of Bakugo: an all-consuming drive to win that was created due to abusive parents with high expectations, resulting in her bullying a peer to a pretty horrific extent. The difference between them is how the story frames their actions. When Soo Jin becomes the bully she loses everything. Rather than succeeding academically, her grades plummet, making it clear that this anxiety and self-doubt (things the fandom keeps insisting Bakugo is struggling with, but that rarely ever show up in the text) is actually impacting her day-to-day life. Her best friend drops her because she’s not going to support her choices. The boy she likes rejects her. She’s eventually forced to start over somewhere new - which importantly separates her from the girl she was bullying - and get some distance from her parents, resulting in the growth needed to become a healthier, happier, good person again. So when Soo Jin apologizes to the girl she hurt, it feels earned. The story continually recognized how horrific her actions were and put her into a place where she either had to change, or continue losing at everything else that was important to her. Bakugo? Bakugo doesn’t lose. Oh, he claims he does because he’s comparing himself to Izuku constantly, but that’s just him thinking in extremes. He still wins academically. Still wins many battles. Still wins at having friends. Still wins by maintaining the prestige of being a U.A. student. Still wins by getting All Might’s attention. Still wins by receiving Izuku’s respect and an agreement to maintain this rivalry that Bakugo is so obsessed with. Bakugo comes out well 99% of the time, he just thinks he's "lost" because he can't stand not being the absolute best.

For me, the story needed to have Bakugo face consequences for his behavior, not receive rewards and/or have others ignore it, and that revelation/apology needed to come way, way sooner. For me the issue is not a specific action that Horikoshi can have Bakugo do in the next chapter and them bam, I like him now. The problem is Bakugo’s entire concept, how he’s received by the entire cast, and his run across this entire series. "Entire" is the key word there. Which is why the “But he’s apologized. What more do you antis want?” reactions don’t sit well. What we wanted is a better written redemption arc across those 300+ chapters, not a single scene that’s meant to have us forget all the other problems inherent in the story. At this point it’s a far more complicated situation than, “Bakugo just needs to do X, Y, and Z and then we’re golden.” At the end of the day, Horikoshi failed to make me like him as a person and I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to change Bakugo enough to make him likable to me. Bakugo was never the sort of character I’d be inclined towards without a serious, nuanced redemption arc, but sadly, a core, crucial part of that redemption arc took six years to arrive. At this point there’s no way to change the problems in Bakugo’s writing for that huge chunk of the series and not enough time left in the series, it seems, to do the work we should have seen across the entire run. Honestly, idk if the Bakugo we'll get going forward is someone I can just dislike as opposed to being really uncomfortable with, but my money is on there being too little story left and too much investment in upholding Bakugo's base personality for that to happen. I could absolutely be proven wrong! But I think the problems are structural and needed to be better dealt with from page one, not hastily patched over in the final hour.

[nadiineross]

Chlodine with kids!!!!!! Maybe Nadine’s little siblings I can imagine her having a huge family. Or Chloe having a secret son or daughter from her more wild days and Nadine not finding out for like years and being like !!!

imma do nadines family bc my thoughts on chlodine + kids are Complicated and also someone else wrote a fic abt chloe w/ a secret kid im waiting on an update !!! lots of e•mo•tions

this got rly long

Chloe Frazer is, without a doubt, an only child. Nadine had never assumed anything else and would’ve been very surprised if she learned otherwise, but as it stands, this is not the case. 

Nadine, on the other hand, has four siblings. She’s the oldest, having the responsibility of inheriting Shoreline and bearing the brunt of her father’s expectations. He wasn’t a bad father, all things considered. Sure, he had his faults like everyone does, but he never neglected her nor did he seek to pressure Nadine into a future with Shoreline. That was all on her and, upon realizing this, he had only tried to push her into it further, to support her. 

In the end, it didn’t really pan out, huh? 

No one in her family blamed her for the loss of Shoreline. In fact, they had all tried to pitch in when Nadine had truly hit rock bottom and did their best to make her feel better. The incessant phone calls and hugging, she accepted. Their money? She did not.

Now, two years after the fact, she finds that she’s much happier, lighter, in her new career path and her family seems to agree.

“Nadine!” her brother, Junior, hollers the moment she steps through the door. “You look great!”

He’s the second child, only two years younger than her at 30, and the one she is the closest to because of it.

She barely manages a greeting before she’s engulfed in a tight bear hug. Quickly, another weight is wrapped around her back and one of her legs is ensnared by a pair of smaller arms. Like moths to a light, her family.

The compulsory family reunion in their old family home in South Africa is something Nadine secretly looks forward to, though she would never say that aloud, lest she wants to be razzed to death by her siblings.

After Junior comes Mia, who turned 29 only last week (Nadine had flowers delivered and mailed her a beautiful bracelet she’d found snooping through old Greek ruins), and finally Grace, 24.

As it turns out, it’s Grace that barreled into her first. Behind her, her mother fusses with her hair and around her leg is Junior’s 6-year-old son, Blessing.

“Ma,” Nadine croaks out around a mouthful of Grace’s hair. “Leave me alone, I’m going to the barber next week.”

Her mother does not leave her alone. “You don’t call for three weeks and this is the first thing you say to me?”

Grace lets go, snickering at Nadine’s apprehension. Nadine glares.

After Junior and Mia get their turns hugging her, she ducks away from her mother’s grabbing, muttering a quick “love you!”, and scoops Blessing up into her arms. He instantly shrieks with glee, trying to claw up her arms and settle on her shoulders.

Junior’s wife, Vivienne, a plump Filipina with enough wit to beat Grace in an argument, presses a brief kiss to Nadine’s cheek as she passes by.

“Don’t mess with Auntie’s hair, boy,” she says, sternly. “Grandma will make you do the dishes.”

Blessing giggles, clearly unaware of what’s going on. Nadine rolls her eyes. “All right, all right. Where’s Rose?”

“She’s at a friend’s birthday party. It’s a sleepover. Apparently turning 10 is a really, really big deal.”

“2 months until you have to throw that party for her,” Nadine says with a laugh.

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

It’s then that Mia cuts in, only pausing to poke Blessing on the nose, and stands directly in front of Nadine just to annoy her. “Viv, I need pregnancy advice. Is it normal having to pee this much? I hate it. This is why I didn’t drink enough water when I was in high school.”

Well, that’s her cue. She elbows Mia sharply in the back before hurrying into the kitchen where her mother and Junior are to avoid retaliation.

They’re preparing to set the table, so she makes to hand Blessing off to Junior except he does an impressive job of wrapping himself around her back like a sloth on a branch. Junior bellows out a laugh.

“He likes you more than me.”

Nadine pulls a face. “Ma likes you more than me, so it evens out.”

Nadine’s mother thwacks her over the head. “I don’t play favourites.” Grace whisks by, picking up the plates as she does. Her mother follows after her with the rest of the plates. “Never mind, Grace is my favourite.”

Junior makes an indignant sound from the back of his throat.

“Can—Can you take a picture?” Nadine asks, gently removing Blessing’s entire hand from her face. “I’d like to show my— Chloe.”

“Sure,” Junior says, raising an eyebrow. “Your Chloe?”

“Shut up,” she huffs.

Blessing chooses this exact moment to sling himself over her shoulder, making her yelp and grab onto his arms to steady him. He laughs, waving his fists in the air like he has won something.

Chloe will love that picture.

“Eish, what are you feeding him?”

Junior tucks his phone away and grins a boyish grin. “Love.” Nadine wrinkles her nose. “Viv learned how to make some kind of pasta and he’s obsessed with it. We have leftovers still in our fridge.”

He stops disjointedly, in a way that makes it clear he expects a reaction from Nadine.

She frowns. “Okay?”

“Where’s Chloe?”

“Australia, with her mum. She flies in on Sunday.”

Junior hums and pushes a salt shaker with a single finger, looking too nonchalant to actually be nonchalant. “You and Chloe are welcome to come over for pasta, if you want and if you’re still around next weekend.”

Nadine, jaded from years of being the oldest sibling, is instantly wary, narrowing her eyes at him. “What’s the catch?”

“There is no catch.”

“Liar.”

Junior huffs, plucking Blessing out of her arms and setting him onto the island. “Seriously. No catch.”

“Okay,” she says slowly, cautiously, “We’ll come over for dinner next Friday?”

“Great! Show up at 6:00.” He claps his hands together. “Reheat the pasta and have a glass of wine, on me. Rose needs help with math homework and Blessing likes to watch Kim Possible, we have DVDs. Bedtimes at 8:30; Blessing usually passes out earlier. We’ll be back midnight at the latest.”

“You said there was no catch!”

“Does spending time with your beloved niece and nephew really count as a ‘catch’?” he asks, snooty, with air quotes to top it all off.

Nadine sighs. “Yes, but we’ll be there.”

She loves family reunions, really. Especially the fact that it’s only compulsory once a year, barring Hanukkah.

Chloe has met her siblings and her mother before. Not during the family reunion due to unfortunate timing, but on separate occasions over the year and a half they’ve been working together. She has never met Rose or Blessing.

Junior and Viv like her enough to have a group chat with her (one that Nadine has tried to join, but had been ruthlessly denied entry by her partner after a sharp cackle), so she’s not surprised that the first thing Chloe says to her after catapulting herself into Nadine’s arms at the airport is: “Heard I’m a babysitter. Try not to crush on me, china.”

Nadine had laughed into her neck at that, made a quip about how she smelled like an aeroplane.

Now, they’re on Junior’s porch, seeing the happy couple off on their date night.

“What are your intentions with Viv?” Chloe jokes, nudging Junior with a conspiratorial wink. Viv snorts.

“Curfew’s eleven,” Nadine calls after them.

“They grow up so fast.”

“Ja.” Nadine smiles then, leaning against the door so Chloe can pass through first. “Ready?”

“To eat good food, drink, and watch 2 kids for a couple of hours? Not that hard, is it?”

Nadine bends to take off her shoes, about to reply with something smart, but Blessing comes pounding down the hallway, blowing right past Chloe and taking an impressive leap onto Nadine’s back. He snakes his arms around her neck and wiggles his legs until she stands.

Nadine gives Chloe a look.

“All right, maybe I misjudged.” Chloe leans closer in, curious, face startlingly close to Nadine’s. “Hey, I’m Chloe. You’re Blessing, right?”

Blessing squints, puckers his lips, then gives one decisive nod, chin digging into Nadine’s shoulder. “This is Auntie.”

Chloe’s face dissolves into an endeared beam. “I know her!”

Nadine tries very hard not to flush out of pure adoration. She’s not sure if it works because Chloe doesn’t mention it.

“Where’s your sister, B?”

“Here,” Rose says, skidding down the hallway in her socks. “Who’re you?”

Chloe holds out a hand which Rose takes and shakes enthusiastically. “Chloe. I work with your Auntie.”

When she turns, Nadine furrows her eyebrows, hands tightening imperceptibly under Blessing’s legs. She tilts her head when Nadine brushes by, suddenly feeling bereft.

Before Nadine can disappear into a room, Chloe stops her with a hand on her stomach.

“Don’t tell, but I think she has a crush on me,” Chloe stage whispers to Rose. “I told her not to.”

Rose’s eyes grow wider. “Do you like her back?”

Chloe stands then, smiling at Nadine brilliantly. “I do.”

This time, Nadine’s certain she’s blushing and judging by how Chloe’s started to leer at her, she must look redder than usual.

Before Rose can ask any more questions, Nadine hikes Blessing higher up and moves towards the end of the hallway.

“C’mon, Rose. Let’s watch some TV while Chloe heats dinner up,” she says, jerking her head towards the kitchen door for Chloe. “Your dad said you need help with math?”

Rose lets out a very loud and long groan at that.

After Nadine is directed to the collection of Kim Possible DVDs and sets it up, she sends Rose off to grab her homework. Then, she pries Blessing away from his Barbies and props him against one hip.

Chloe’s humming a tune and opening random drawers when Nadine finds her in the kitchen. She’s got an apron hanging from her neck, even though she’s literally just popping something into the microwave and opening a bottle.

Blessing reaches for the counter, so she sets him down. “Chloe, I’m hungry!”

Chloe spins and catches Nadine’s eye briefly. “Yes, yes,” she says, “give me a minute, love. Impatience runs in the family, I guess.”

Nadine chuckles, crossing the distance and tugging the loose ends of the apron. “You’re one to talk.”

“Oh, hush.” She leans back a little, into Nadine’s warmth.

She turns after a beat, corners of her mouth tipped up, and catches Nadine’s mouth in a kiss. It’s nice, for about two seconds, then Blessing starts drawing out an “eww” and smacking his palms on the table.

Chloe pulls away, eyes still half-lidded. “I was gonna say they were adorable, but…”

Nadine huffs a laugh and narrows her eyes at Blessing. “What are you complaining about?”

“Rose does that when mama kisses daddy,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Hm,” she says, “keep doing that, champ.”

Chloe barks out a laugh, lightly slapping Nadine’s arm. Nadine grabs her wrists, kissing her chastely before pulling away completely.

“The forks are behind you.”

“Thanks,” Chloe says, not moving and hauling her back in. Nadine looks unimpressed.

Blessing groans again.

“What does the apron say, soldier?” KISS THE COOK. That’s probably Junior’s. She grimaces at it with great disdain. “So?”

In response, Nadine untangles herself from Chloe and places Blessing into his usual spot at her hip.

“Ah, figures.”

Rose is waiting in the living room when they all return, pasta in hand; one bowl each for the kids and a big plate for Chloe and Nadine to share. Fewer dishes to do this way. Plus, Nadine only has one hand to spare, the other keeping Blessing from wriggling onto the floor.

After setting the bowls down, Chloe presses play on the first episode and puts the volume lower so Rose can concentrate.

Poised over the couch, Nadine cranes her neck to watch Blessing tuck his face into her back, holding on stubbornly.

”Off! Off, off, off.” After a moment, he grabs tighter onto her shoulders. “No?”

Blessing shakes his head. “No.”

“You asked for it.” She grabs onto his legs for safety and starts to hop in place—once, twice, three times. Blessing squeals in her ear. On the fourth time, she drops into a squat, so that his legs are on the couch and scrapes him off her back. “Time for dinner, B.”

He pouts, eyes wide. “Aw, boo.” It takes her a hot second to resist that. Atrocious.

She pushes the lime green bowl and matching plastic fork into his hands. “If you want to grow taller than your sister, you gotta eat up.”

When she looks over to Chloe, she’s on the floor next to Rose with her homework out on the coffee table some ways away from the couch. She’s watching Nadine, jaw cupped in her palm, with a soft look.

Nadine, self-conscious, looks away and scoots closer to Rose’s other side. “What?”

“Nothing,” Chloe says after a beat, bending closer to look at Rose’s paper. Almost immediately after, she touches Rose’s hand before she can write something down and quietly points out her mistake.

They get through two episodes in relative peace before Blessing decides that he’s done with his dinner and bonks the bottom of the bowl lightly on Nadine’s head. Chloe stifles a laugh at Nadine’s exaggerated outrage.

She takes the bowl from Blessing, towering over him as he giggles madly into a pillow.

“This is my shield,” he declares.

Nadine crosses her arms. “That’s not fair. I don’t have a sword.”

“Victory!”

Chloe doesn’t try hiding her delight this time.

It’s only another Kim Possible episode later that Blessing calms down enough to sit still on the couch. Nadine scrapes his leftovers onto their shared plate.

Rose has picked her entire bowl clean and has been sipping at a glass of milk Chloe had gotten for her when Nadine had been busy entertaining Blessing. When Nadine offers her a second serving, she just shakes her head, brows furrowed at the question on her paper.

Finally, she turns her attention to Chloe who is, funnily enough, engrossed with the Kim Possible episode playing.

She jerks her head up when Nadine places her hand on her back, startled.

“Go eat on the couch, I’ll watch Rose.” She promptly shoves the plate into Chloe’s hands and plops down onto the ground, leaving no room for argument.

“Last one,” Rose says, tapping her pencil on the table.

Nadine leans over her arm to look at the paper. “Do you need any help?”

“Nope,” she replies, popping the p. She scribbles something down, then crosses it out. “Auntie?”

“Ja?”

“I think Chloe likes you,” she whispers, glancing back at Chloe who’s using Blessing’s head as an armrest while he squirms under her, mouth open in his best attempt at a roar.

Nadine tries not to smile, turning back to Rose. She fails. “You mean like-like?”

Rose puts her pencil down and scowls at her. “I’m not 8. I can say love.”

“You’re 9.”

Rose scoffs, pointedly going back to her homework.

Nadine feels nervous all of a sudden, and bizarrely, embarrassed. She’s 32, Chloe 35, and they have yet to say the L-word. Not that she can presume to know how Chloe feels, but she knows how she feels.

They’ve been officially together just over a year now. The months before it, they had spent sleeping with each other sporadically when they met up for a job. Back then, Nadine knew how she felt too. Her feelings hadn’t been quite as deep as they were now — maybe fondness. She felt that whatever they had, if they both allowed it, would last and for a very long time.

A year, they’ve lasted so far. She knows all the little things now. Chloe’s morning routine, her weird figures of speech, which side she sleeps on. She knows the important things and the unimportant things that Nadine cherishes equally to the former.

They have lasted and strengthened, taking Nadine’s feelings lightyears past simple fondness. She wonders sometimes, considering the trajectory, if she can find the words to describe it if her feelings stretched past love. For now, that word will do.

She loves Chloe, this she has known for months. Chloe certainly likes her in a way that extends past the shallow.

She drags a hand down her forehead. It’s one thing to think it, another to confront it head-on, but Nadine Ross has never been a coward. Cautious, yes, but not cowardly.

She puts her chin on the table, watching the top of Rose’s pencil wave in the air as she writes.

“I like Chloe too,” Nadine says, voice low because if Chloe overheard, she would never hear the end of it.

Rose finishes what she’s written with a flourish, then copies Nadine, putting her chin on the table. “Only like?”

“More than,” Nadine replies, pausing to gather her courage. Then, scandalously: “Love.”

“Ooh, Auntie,” Rose teases, mocking, in a whiny tone that you’d expect from a pre-teen boy sneering “cooties!”

“I thought you were mature,” says Nadine, reaching out to poke Rose’s cheek.

Rose turns her nose up. “I’m only 9.”

Nadine laughs. Rose is so obviously Junior and Viv’s child, she can’t help the sudden urge to hug her.

She gets away with swinging Rose into the air and carrying her over her shoulder, running twice around the room as she laughs and lets Nadine do this without complaint. Afterwards, they collapse onto the couch where Chloe’s got Blessing in her lap, the both of them watching the screen intently.

Rose gets comfortable, settled between Chloe and Nadine, while Nadine tries to sneak pictures of them all together.

She gets away with two before Chloe cuts away from Ron Stoppable in his tree house and looks directly at the camera. She gives Nadine a winning grin, tightening her arms around Blessing’s middle.

By 8:30, Blessing’s dozing off on Chloe’s sternum, snoring lightly. Similarly, Rose is nodding off against Nadine’s arm.

Sharing a look, they both get up, carrying a Ross in their arms. Nadine shushes Rose when she jolts awake, instinctively rocking on the balls of her feet in an attempt to get Rose to fall back asleep.

They go up the stairs to another hallway, Nadine leading Chloe to a door that has the letter R painted on it in baby blue. She sets Rose down in her bed, pulling the blanket over her shoulders and turning the A/C off in case it gets colder at night.

“The night light,” Chloe whispers. Nadine flips it on before ushering Chloe out, towards the door with B painted in mauve.

Chloe does the motions: tucking Blessing in, checking the A/C, and finding the night light.

Nadine leans against the doorframe, waiting for her to finish with the curtains. It’s weird, seeing Chloe like this. Not in a bad way, no. Nadine finds that she can watch Chloe do this for hours, fascinated.

There’s a warmth blossoming in her chest, the kind she feels when she’s come home for the first time in a while for Hanukkah and her family is gathered around the room, closer together because it’s cold outside.

Nadine is not entirely sure what she’s supposed to do with this.

In the end, Chloe finishes up and interrupts her introspection, shooing her away so she can close the door. As is natural by now, Chloe grabs her hand and gives it a pull towards the stairs. Nadine grips back before she can drop her hand away.

They don’t speak until they’re back in the living room, Kim Possible still playing on low volume. They won’t leave until Junior and Viv get back, in case the kids wake up again.

Out of nowhere, Chloe makes a thoughtful noise after easing onto the couch with a sigh.

Nadine examines her face, eyebrows hiking up when Chloe’s eyes flick to meet hers and discovers that they are arrestingly determined.

She uses her free hand to pull Nadine in for a languid kiss. It’s fairly innocent for them, so Nadine’s unsurprised when Chloe settles back into the couch after they part, focused on the TV.

“Liefie,” she says, waiting for Chloe to look over. “I think I like the babysitter.”

Chloe chuckles, pressing into Nadine’s side. “That’s convenient. I think I like the babysitter, too.”

It’s quiet then. Nadine’s content like this.

They get through three and a half episodes of Kim Possible before Chloe makes a really undignified noise at something that happens on screen and Nadine has to hide a laugh behind a cough. Chloe catches it and scowls at her.

“Hey now, Ross, that wasn’t—”

“Calm down, I won’t tell anyone that you’re a die hard Kim Possible fan.”

Chloe harrumphs, sprawling onto Nadine more so that she’s half on top of her.

Nadine winds her arm around Chloe’s waist and turns so her nose brushes Chloe’s cheek.

“Liefie,” she says again.

“Mhm,” Chloe replies distractedly.

“I love you.”

Chloe stiffens, and in quick succession, relaxes, tenses, and relaxes again.

She turns her head, swaying back so she can see Nadine’s face properly. Then, she smiles, eyes wrinkled at the corners and all, and says, “I love you too.”

Nadine can’t help but kiss her. This one is longer, more earnest.

And Chloe pulls away, sucking in a breath. “We should pick this up when we go back to the apartment.”

“Self-control? For once?” Nadine says against her jaw.

“I want to watch my favourite show: Kim Possible,” Chloe replies, voice light with mirth. “You’re just here for the commercial breaks.”

“It’s a DVD.”

Chloe blindly pats her face, mhms absentmindedly, and accepts a kiss to her cheek.

Nadine loves her for it.

[mochi-peaches]

i need to complain about my uni some more i found out so much shit today i am honestly so tired and i’m so glad i’m graduating this place is hell on earth

okay so... my uni is shitty in general right? i’ve had a lot... a LOT... of issues here... i haven’t done a conventional route for an undergrad what i did was i did a 2 year foundation degree [fda] and then came here to do my 3rd year, but i decided to go into the second year because i didn’t feel like i’d learnt enough on my fda, and there were modules i thought looked really interesting [for example... an exchange programme... which i’ll get to in a moment] so i went into the 2nd year as opposed to the 3rd [my mum went batshit at me but that’s another story sjdnjdvncd]

okay so!!! when i started there september 2016 AND i thought it was gonna be great... i’d moved to the city and i was living with a friend of mine + 8 other people [that was fucking awful i’m still kinda traumatised from that experience so this year i’ve lived by myself it was THAT bad] and it was easy for me to move to the 2nd year and everything and one of the lecturers who’s head of the course right he helped me sort out seeing a counsellor [that’s a mess], sorting DSA [disabled students allowance bc i’d been diagnosed with depression & anxiety] and a few other things and it was fine!!! i was managing to go to class almost every day despite shit happening in the module we did where the group i was working in we had to have THREE!!!! meetings with the aforementioned head of the course bc of how BADLY we were working together and that rly like... messed me up and i get anxious when there’s conflict so that made me kinda not wanna go to class etc. 

then they messed up my exchange and i ended up not going and that was a massive blow to my mental health i already wasn’t doing great for a bunch of other reasons :/ i got accepted into a really good uni in seoul that was hard to get into and i even got offered an EXTENDED exchange bc of how good they thought my grades were and yet my uni thought my grades were SHIT????? OKAY! 

then in december 2016 i got so bad to the point i tried to kill myself once and planned it at least twice more :// and my uni was aware of it and they’re SUPPOSED to intervene and didn’t lmao i was seeing a mental health worker on campus because, to quote the counsellor i saw TWICE, “my issues were too complex and deep rooted to be dealt” and then went and saw the mh worker she was lovely :(( but i was so fucking bad at that point i literally... didn’t care lmao and was too anxious to even leave my room [i’m like that now too] my uni IGNORED ME for over 6 MONTHS being aware that i’d been suicidal???? then sent letters about my attendance bc i barely attended uni for like 3~ish months from december-march time... and were threatening to kick me out which lead to this first ‘support meeting’ but the documents i got sent insinuated i was gonna be kicked out of the course regardless of the fact i was getting good grades????

i had that meeting in like may 2017? and they were discussing like whether i should be allowed to attend this summer school in shanghai that i went on [i did but i had a suicidal moment whilst out there bc of the stuff that had happened back here]... i got the notes back from the meeting and... wow. just wow. one part was insinuating i was a danger to other students and staff because i’d had suicidal tendencies. and they just went on and on about the well being and safety of other people completely disregarding... the fact... i wanted to die and had attempted that... like that alone to me is complete bullshit. there’s some other stuff as well but idk if i should say it’s supposed to be confidential wdojfnefdc i might expose it once i leave here tho bc it’s appalling????

like they ignored me after i had attempted suicide and it was a uni issue bc i’m in THEIR care and they were AWARE of VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES YET THEY WERE JUST LIKE NAH LET’S BLAME HER MAKE HER FEEL WORSE!!!!

so september 2017 comes around the summer i’d taken time to myself to recover etc and i had another one of those meetings, where i was told if i was ‘refusing’ to engage i would be kicked out or forced to defer and finish my degree at a later date. i was supposed to meet my lecturer every 2 weeks, and my mental health worker every two weeks. that happened for october and then!!!! my lecturer had a research trip for a month and never bothered to contact me like he promised, AND my mental health worker cancelled my appointments 3 times and i got an email to inform me she was sick and i would be contacted when she was back etc and i never got the email back...

i’ve been fine for the most part since then but of course personal things have happened that have made me have my moments and in december... with jonghyun... especially when it was the year anniversary of me like... being like that myself... i made a promise to him to try and graduate and not get like that ever again and mostly it’s been fine but... i’m still depressed and anxious etc it’s a long term thing i’ve dealt with but... it’s the fact my uni makes promises to take care of its students and then... has turned around to me and made me feel so unwelcome and stuff??? saying i’m dangerous to other people BECAUSE i’m mentally ill????? that’s not fucking okay????

and today i’ve found out SO much bullshit like they have favourite students, they refuse to mark stuff properly because they don’t want to influence the national average etc and other shitty excuses. AND THE FUCKING WORST.... RIGHT I STUDY PHOTOGRAPHY, SO YOU WOULD ASSUME... THAT THAT PHOTOGRAPHS WOULD BE CONSIDERED AS PART OF MARKING... APPARENTLY THEY DON’T REALLY MARK THEM :)))) LIKE???? SURELY.... SEEING... AS IT’S PHOTOGRAPHY.......THEY WOULD CONSIDER THAT AS PART OF MARKS......... BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i’m honestly fuming i hate this place so much i wish i’d never come here or done my fda through them either LMAO