#much man like i do feel dysphoria yeah and would like my body 2 be more "masculine'

[agumonger]

tangent! "being a man".

tangent! how i overthink things

tangent! how i finally figured it out and realized i am, indeed, just a cis dude

it really helped me to realize that while i don't want to be an andrew tate alphahead fast cars football materialism hiding your emotions type man, and i don't want to be a femboy either, i do want to be the kind of man that irradiates a wholesome energy, maybe a bit wacky, but not without a certain kind of wisdom, nerdy but not the petty incel entitled um akshually type, i want to have healer animal talker character type energy, i want to have gentle giant energy, bob ross energy, posy energy, i want to be fascinated by life and by humanity and make people feel like the time they spend with me is time that counts, i want to make them feel safe, loved, supported. i want to create beautiful things, i want to make people go through emotions with what i make, perhaps even discover something about themselves. i want to be warm and approachable and strange and unpredictable and hilarious and idealistic. i want to believe in things like love, honesty and kindness

that's the kind of man i want to be

the detachment that i always felt from traditional masculinity was never truly about aesthetic, or about gender identity, it was always about the toxicity. it's not about dysphoria - i've actually learned to like my body, too. i'm not a demiboy or agender or nb or anything of the sort, i just. don't like the extremely narrow definition of what masculinity is supposed to be, but i don't feel attracted towards the other side either, which is why i always hesitated to speak up about my issues, like "can i really say i'm Not Attached to my Own Gender(TM) if the idea of wearing makeup or a pearl necklace or a skirt clearly makes me glitch out?" was always the question that made me stay silent. "you're overthinking", i told myself, "you're not inventing Masculinity 2 you're just Some Guy. don't be so full of yourself"

and like, actually, yeah of course! of course i'm just some guy! i kept looking at the issue backwards. i kept asking myself "am i really a man?" when the question was "is the stupid ass alpha male method the only valid way to be a cis man, without being labeled as queer?" which, yeah, i am queer (bi) but still!! of course not! of course that's not the only valid way. it's just the most common one that dudes follow, but it doesn't have to be like that

i'm not *not* a man, i'm just not macho and that's different. and yes, 90% of people would consider my outward appearance to still be milquetoast and basic and normal as fuck and that's okay as well. i'm not the type that obsessively hates everything related to the alpha/chad aesthetic thing either

and yeah you might be like "but jojo, you had a gender questioning phase? but you seem as regular vanilla as dudes go! look at you talking about videogames in a hoodie and jeans and a buzzcut" and you would be absolutely right. i just think Too Much About Things

bonus points for reading this: how many male fictional characters with a similar vibe do you know. because i'll probably love them. i love every character that has been written with the understanding that men can be sensitive and sincere with their emotions and vulnerable AND that difference doesn't have to imply any orientation or specific special label of gender identity AND that sensitivity is to be understood and respected and not laughed at

fun fact this is why i love himbos so fucking much. because they got the traditionally masculine aesthetic that i'm hopelessly attracted to (though i wouldn't apply it to myself) but also the potential for genuine sensitivity and kindness and gentleness. emotional intelligence

i think this phase of self-discovery and overthinking that started around lockdown is probably over.

extra bonus points for reading: whatever rappers had goin on aesthetically in the mid 2000s. that. bring it back idc

[teddy06writes]

hi !! i love ur writing sm, can i request karl with a trans (ftm) boyfriend? you can do whatever u want with it i just think the situation would be cute :D

Karl x transmale!reader

trigger warnings: transphobia, homophobia, swearing, dysphoria

Okay, so part of this is hcs because I had too many general ideas to fit in one fic, plus a situation

(d/n)- deadname

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, Karl and a trans boyfriend

when you came out he was so chill about it, even though you were kinda freaking out, like:

“Karl... I’m trans”

“Okay.”

“Like, I’m a guy, and use he/him pronouns now.”

“Alright, your obviously not going by (d/n), so what do you want me to call you?”

You were just so shocked

he’s like, so proud of you for being so brave to come out

constantly tells you how valid you are

definitely offered to buy you a binder, like as soon as you came out

once you came out he went around reintroducing you to people like you were someone totally different

“Jimmy! I have someone for you to meet!” *Pulls you out from behind wall or somthin* “This is my new boyfriend (y/n)!”

would throw hands with even his friends if they deadname you

definitely would go to pride with you, and just be so happy to see you fitting in and looking so excited about the atmosphere  

starts leaving little sticky notes around your apartment ‘your so handsome’ ‘ily (y/n)’ ‘your very masculine today’ ‘remember to take your binder off’

when you get dysphoric would give you his baggiest hoodie in a heart beat, anything to make you feel more comfortable

quietly has alarms set to make sure you aren’t over wearing your binder so he can remind you to take it off, and thinks he’s so discreet about it even though you’ve known for months

if/when you got top surgery he’d go with you, and be all giddy when you woke up, excited that you finally had at least part of the right body

can and has chewed out transphobes in public for purposely miss gendering you

speaking of:

~~

It was a nice day, and for once (with much hype from Karl) you were feeling pretty good about how you looked.

You and Karl were currently wandering through a park, fingers intertwined, enjoying the day.

Some frat boy quickly edged around you, muttering, “God, what’s with the fags in this god damned park?”

Karl stopped in his tracks, already starting to go for his wallet to confuse the person, “Excuse me?”

“You fucking heard me fag.” The kid turned around glaring at him.

Karl started to pull out three dollars, “Listen man this-”

The guy started to laugh, “Wait your not just a fag, your a fag with a girlfriend whos in fucking denial!”

You looked down, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

Karl looked livid, and he was, “I’m sorry, what did you just say about my boyfriend?”

“That?” The kid pointed to you, “That ain’t your boyfriend buddy.”

Gently Karl pushed you behind him, “Last I fucking checked, I had a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, fucking right, that bitch is clearly a fucking woman.”

“HE is a boy! You shut your uneducated mouth, you don’t get to fucking talk about him like that!”

Now Karl never swore, but now, he allowed himself, and you quietly watched his 5′ 11′ figure face off against this man who had to be at least 6′ 2′’.

“Please fucking enlighten me as to how you would even think, that he’s not a fucking dude! I’d like to know!”

“Listen man, I get wanting to defend your little girlfriend-”

“HE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, I’VE CORRECTED YOU ONCE AND I WILL NOT FUCKING DO IT AGAIN!” Karl exploded.

The transphobe blinked, clearly not excpecting that.

“PLEASE, IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA FUCKING LISTEN TO ME JUST LEAVE, I DON’T NEED YOU FUCKING MY BOYFRIENDS AND I’S DATE!!!!”

The guy quickly turned and hurried down the path, leaving Karl to quickly pull you into his arms, murmuring, “He’s wrong, you are so freaking handsome, and so freaking valid, and you do pass, just like you always do.”

Your arms snaked there way around his waist, “Thank you.”

Karl pressed a kiss to the top of your head, “Anything for you darlin.”

[cotccotc]

SKZ + a ftm s/o !!

 ◌ ftm (female-to-male) refers to a transgender person who was assigned female at birth, but identifies as male. these people are awesome, lovely, brave, & valid !! (yes that’s part of the official definition !!!! look it up <3)

part of my eight as fate event !! ( requested by @lixsmullet​ ♡ )

genre/s: fluff, skz x ftm reader

warning/s: mentions of dysphoria, mentions of periods, one very brief implication of transphobia (NOT IN REFERENCE TO THE MEMBERS DW), use of various pet names, swearing, my dumb formatting and commentary uwu

wc: ~1.5k

a/n: i hope i did this req justice !!! i made sure to do a lot of research on topics that might come up in this situation so i hope everything is accurate, but also inclusive for multiple types of people within the ftm umbrella. the descriptions might not be too deep but pls know they were written with a lot of care. OH ALSO i included potential pet names they might use !! i really really hope y’all enjoy this :) lmk what u think !!

◌ CHAN

chan’s known for putting other people’s needs before his own, and this is no exception.

he’d be super giving !!! would buy you “world’s best boyfriend” mugs and shit !!! it’s cringe but you love him so it’s fine !!!

more on top of your doctors appointments or meds than you are tbh

boy oh boy… if you take/decide to start taking testosterone……

LOOK OUT HERE COMES THE T POLICE KJDF

he just wants to do everything he can to help you !!!!! whether it means literally helping you stay on top of things and being your at-home (emotional) therapist, or giving you space.

i feel like he’s very good at detecting how a person feels based on their face or body language, so he’d always be on the lookout in case you might be feeling off or dysphoric.

and, as much as it might pain him, he’d give you as much time/space as you need. once again, he has your best interest in mind 24/7 !!! he just loves you so much, you know? 🥺

potential pet names (as long as you’re ok with them !! that goes for each member.): babyboy (we saw this one coming), foxy/sexy (mostly sarcastic but also… True), sunshine

◌ MINHO

a thing that i personally love to imagine: minho introducing you to people as his boyfriend

if anybody ever gives either of you a questioning look afterward (either intentionally or not) he wouldn’t waver at all !!! he’d just stand there and keep smiling. because you’re his boyfriend, duh

constantly reminds you how strong you are !! how super tough and cool you are !!! because it’s true !!!!!!!

i feel like i always make him sound like the ceo of Boyfriend Bootcamp in my reactions but i MEAN???

for example, if you’re ever feeling down (for whatever reason. whether it applies to you being trans or not) he’d be like “MAN UP !!! YOU’RE A WARRIOR !!!! ……. a cute one <3333 bUT A STRONG ONE !!!!!!”

in general, i definitely see him as the type of person who’ll just grab your hand or hold you a little closer in situations where he thinks you might feel uncomfortable, and even if he doesn’t directly acknowledge it, you know there’s a lot of love and care behind the gesture.

also… you’re sad? here, hold a cat.

potential pet names: stud (as a joke.. but it stuck), anything that starts with “my” (like my boy, my baby, my love, etc.)

◌ CHANGBIN

ok listen

i’m not calling changbin lazy

HOWEVER

he will most definitely try and make you do “manly” things for him when he doesn’t feel like it- SJDJJ

imagine his raspy, tough, yet adorably whiny voice being all:

“BAAAABE…. BABYYYYYY….. come lift this fOR MEEEEEEEE”

ESPECIALLYYYY if you’re taller than him oh my Lord

BUT HE’D DENY IT AT ALL COSTS !!!

changbin, pointing to an object on a tall shelf: “BABE can you get this for me? you’re so strong you can do it <3333”

you: “short ass-”

changbin: “hEY”

ALSO if you menstruate, i personally believe that he would be very comforting to have around during that time !!!!! just chillin on the couch !!!!!! vibin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your very own personal heating pad <33 jksjfd

potential pet names: babe, bunny, hot stuff (sometimes used for moments of sarcasm !!! there are lots of those..)

◌ HYUNJIN

he’s very sweet and loving with you, which never changes despite anything you might be going through. like ,,,ever.

i can see him being especially sweet and helpful for someone who doesn’t want to or can’t surgically transition !!!!

would do everything he could to emphasize the fact that you’re his favorite boy !!!!

whether it’s through activities, pet names, playful jokes, etc., he always wants to remind you how manly and lovely you are !! lolll

i present to you a thought that just popped up in my head and Will Not Leave:

you might normally be the little spoon, but if you ever feel a bit off about your body or just don’t want to be held, THIS BOY WILL GET CURLED UP IN A LITTLE SPOON POSITION FOR YOU !! SO VERY FAST !!!

(is it also an excuse for him to be the little spoon? yeah maybe it is-)

potential pet names: hubby (regardless of whether or not you’re married sjdsdf), prince, things that start with “my”

◌ JISUNG

asks lots of questions !!!!!!! whenever he’s not sure how to proceed with something or has any general questions about being trans or how to support you, he’ll be completely transparent with you about it.

even though it makes him a lil embarrassed 🥺🥺

will overuse the terms “dude” and “bro” just to make you laugh… but you both know there’s a hidden underlayer of validation there

loves cheering you up when you’re not feeling your best !!!

also ,,,,,,Youtube Research Enthusiast

“hey y/n check this out! let’s try it :D” and it’s a two minute video about how to naturally lower your voice

and you go along with it because a.) he’s cute for suggesting it, b.) it could actually be useful, and c.) he’ll look cute stretching his neck for a few minutes and it would be a valuable use of your time to watch him do it <3 jsjdfh

oh also !!!! we know he’s just Like This anyways, but he will indeed take every chance he gets to kiss random parts of your body like your hands, shoulders, the tip of your nose, and anything else you’re comfy with :) he just likes 2 smooch, what can i say?

potential pet names: anything silly !! bubba, baby/babycakes, good lookin’, etc.

◌ FELIX

this is somewhat similar to what i’d suggested in my nonbinary coming out reaction, but i feel like he’d take a lot of care to make you feel more confident in yourself !!!

especially when it comes to your appearance !!!!! if you ever decide to try out a new hairstyle, different clothing, etc., he’d HYPE YOU UPPPPP omg

you: *exists*

felix: *silly smirk* “my handsome boy.. hehe” 🥺

bakes for u !!!!!!! will come over asap with freshly baked cookies if he even senses you might not be feeling your best !!!!!!!!!!!!!

we all know he’s a real cuddlebug, but since you’ve explained dysphoria to him (to the best of your ability), it’s very important to him that he doesn’t overstep with the physical affection

he might also suggest you use a code word or gesture to signify if it’s ok for him to get all close and cuddly with you !! he knows you have your off days, and the last thing he wants to do is emphasize your insecurities.

he loves you more than anything, and he just wants to see you smile :)

potential pet names: handsome, love, sweets (bc ya know,,, brownie boy things <3)

◌ SEUNGMIN

would regularly spend hours and hours doing research on trans rights, different forms of transitioning, other people’s perspectives (both in his position and yours), etc

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if he posted some questions on a website like reddit or quora or something from time to time SJDK (but eventually he’d be much more comfortable asking you directly, especially since he knows not every person is the same)

he really just wants to make sure he understands how you feel to the best of his ability in order to best care for you !!!

VERY VERY diligent if he has to adjust to new pronouns. would practice that shit like it’s his JOB.

i think he’d just be very scared of screwing something up, which you might have to console him about from time to time.

you know he’s trying his best to a.) not make this about himself and b.) do everything in his power to support you

sorta similarly to changbin, i think he’d be nice to have around if you’re ever on your period !! overall, this boy would do his RESEARCH

potential pet names: baby, mister (for some playful sarcasm), bear (or baby bear, honey bear, etc.)

◌ JEONGIN

if you’re ever feeling dysphoric, depressed, anxious, or generally not the best, he will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to cheer you up.

you: :(

jeongin: “ok fine you have permission to poke my cheeks all day”

you: :D

jeongin: :D

is also very similar to changbin !!!!! he’ll very dramatically give up on a task that requires even the slightest bit of manliness just so you can do it for him…. because he’s laz- i mean thoughtful <33

ok picture something with me besties (and this is quite random so bear with me):

he buys you cologne. cute !! very sweet of him yes <3 …...but the Backstory-

he had No idea what kind to get, so he went to the store and tried on like 10 different kinds until he realized he could just swatch them on a piece of paper so now he’s covered in cologne and he buys the one he thought was his favorite but he comes home to realize it was the WRONG ONE so he has to go back to the store and test them all again until he finds the one

..all just so he could surprise you & make you feel more masculine :’)

anyways LONG STORY SHORT: innie best boy :D

potential pet names: bun (in reference to bread, of course. you must match.), handsome, sexy (BUT ONLY IF YOU SAY IT RIGHT BACK !!!!!! sexy loaf boyfriends aw <3)

tags: @stayndays, @hanniiesuckle17, @leggomylino, @freckledberries, @kisskissbanggang, @mr-jisung-main, @childofthecosmos, @kpopscape, @skzwriternet, @hyunsins, @sleepylixie, @sunshine-skz, @vera-liscious, @thatrandomoneinthecorner, @cyberskz​, @seungminsaidsta, @somethingrandomworld, @ethan806 ( join my tag list !! )

©️ cotccotc 2021 ~ all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

[subuwu-dyke]

how'd u know u wanted 2 be on t and how did u explain that 2 ur gender therapist and/or endocrinologist

I actually went to planned parenthood so I didn't have to go through a gender therapist, I just talked briefly with the doctor at PP about how long I've felt a desire to transition physically (since I was like 6/7) and what my goals were (to be gendered in public by strangers about 50% of the time as a man and 50% of the time as a woman).. Which kind of answers your first question a bit too, I've been feeling this way for a very long time and I know that in order to achieve my goals and what would make me feel less dysphoric I would need to take T. I don't relate to men or manhood at all, but I don't want people to easily identify me as a woman - I'm masculine, I'm butch, I'm a lesbian, and "woman" is just not that much of a factor there tbh. Still, people don't easily see me that way, and they need to be convinced of my masculinity and butchness. We can talk about how that is all a matter of a cissexist society that's obsessed with categorizing gender, which is all true, but frankly I'm just trying to treat my dysphoria at this point. I don't want to pass as a man but if I get misgendered in that way it doesn't really bother me, it just feels like a thing that happens to butches. I'm not really bothered by being called a woman either, I just don't like that that happens 99.99% of the time. Friends can call me a woman, but strangers don't know me like that, y'know? I can expand on any of this is you have more questions! Ultimately, all I can say is that it's worth thinking about and also - yes it's a big decision, but honestly it's also not that big a deal imho. It's like getting tattoos. It's a body modification and it's semi permanent or permanent if you want it to be and yeah it's possible you regret it but like. It's not the end of the world even if you do! Not saying this to convince you to do it, just let yourself consider it if it's something you've been thinking about ❤️

[jaskanetic]

22 and 27 OwO

Trans Ask Game

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

🤔 I have a very active mind (I assume from ADHD? The only other mental thing I KNOW I have is Major Depression Disorder, diagnosed at age 12/13. So like depression lol. And anxiety.) But regardless, I am always jumping WAAAAAY too ahead. I'm empathetic too and very emotionally sensitive I think, and all that combined with rushing ahead into the future with my thoughts... Often cause me to get upset over realizing "oh, wait, can't come out yet. Can't do X yet. Can't transition yet. Right. Other stuff first. Ok. Yeah. This sucks."

Like hitting myself with a hammer honestly.

Sometimes, or often rather, I have a bit of dysphoria. Something rubs me wrong, or my active mind reminds me "you have massive tiddies" or "you sound like a 12 year old". Insecurities that remind me my body isn't how I want it to be, yet. And I start to question myself or dissociate. "Do I really want to transition? I don't like my body. I want to. Maybe not? It's been this way forever. Should I? I dunno. Can I handle surgery? Maybe not now. I don't know anymore. What if I'm lying to myself?"

Things like that. Dysphoria things. But I always ground myself, and stick to the decisions I have made up in my head, knowing I'll be happier because of them in the long run.

But yeah. My active, jumping mind has been the cause of many problems in the past. And it definitely affects me in terms of gender as well.

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

Well! There's a lot of little things I do.

For instance, Hair: I LOVE to mess with my hair. I'm sporting a NICE undercut these days, the bit left on the top is long and I always tie it back into a man-bun sort of deal. Makes me feel like a big strong Viking or something. A gladiator. Warrior. Like I'm about to wrestle a bear in the snow and drink beer out of a goat horn.

Not shaving: I never cared for shaving to begin with. I only did so in my teen years because I wasn't fully out, I had a lot of dysphoria after my mom's response to me initially saying I was trans, and I thought the pure act of shaving would make me "acceptable." Y'know. "Like other girls", or "normal", so people like my mom wouldn't vote me out like an Among Us playthrough. Now that I'm older, I prefer not to shave both because it makes me feel more masculine, and because it's a pain in the ass and I just can't be bothered to. :/ I shaved a few days ago. The whole deal. Everywhere but my back. I already have stubble and I itch like crazy. Personally, not shaving helps in two different ways lmao.

Clothes: I get men's shoes. Men's pants. Men's shirts. Men's everything. I buy everything from the men's section at any store. I went to 2 clothing stores today and only hung around either the area with the bajillion frying pans, or the men's clothes. It's hard sometimes, I don't have a binder and my massive chest makes it difficult unless I wear something loose. But, wearing men's clothes feels just so RIGHT for me. I feel comfortable. Free. At peace, in a way. Were as when I put on the jeggings my mom bought me for Christmas, while I appreciate my dump truck ass, I also want to tear them off with my teeth and toss them into a fire. Men's clothes, very good, 10/10.

Natural Form: I'm stocky in body shape. And I'm tall. I have a good mix of muscle and fat, purely because I don't do cardio, so rather than slim out much, my body just stacks more muscle over my muscle under my fat. I have the body of a gorilla. The thundering thighs of a horse if it were an Olympian God. A dump truck ass. The biceps of a man ready to toss someone. The thickest neck in the world. I am always "mistaken" as a man (BLESS) so long as my chest is hidden. I have been told, I have a DAD BOD. I HAVE A FUCKING DAD BOD. And I am grateful for it. I still want to take Testosterone, but sometimes I slap on some shorts or sweats and a good t-shirt and slides, and then the dysphoria evaporates as I take one look at myself and go "ah, yes, a literal chad. A beefcake. A lad. A dad."

Strength: I have gathered a respect amongst my family as being a literal fucking powerhouse. Tasks they would normally have the boys do, they have me do quite often. Especially in terms of lifting things so heavy, that they label as "a job for the boys". And me, I, get asked to do those things. While I am not out to them and they likely wouldn't be accepting, they at least accept I am very "masculine" and very STRONK. Stronger than the boys in the house I think. I watch a male carry the enormous bag of dog food with two hands, meanwhile, here is I, holding that sack with 1 hand and up against my shoulder, effortlessly. Feels great.

Names: Nic. Nic is not my real name, but it's a preferred online name or nickname. Nic is short for Nicay, sure, but when I first came out in highschool, I chose the name "Nikolai", only to doubleback and decide "my birth name is perfectly fine actually, I think I'll keep Nic as like a nickname". And here we are. I know I asked for "Jaska" a long time ago when things were kinda crazy, but that was pure adrenaline rush that took me. Jaska is an oc, and it feels awkward. I prefer Nic, or my real name for close friends/people I've known a long time. (Friends are free to ask about it too if you'd like, I don't mind cx).

This was VERY LONG I'M SORRY but thanks for asking!

Also these are just my preferences! Every trans person's way of dealing with dysphoria and things are valid. You don't have to transition or follow what is considered "masculine" or "feminine". Just be you, do what makes you comfortable. 💜

[fandom-star]

Non-Binary Week

I've not answered any of the questions the organisers of this have put out until now, but as yesterday was the last day, I'm just gonna answer them all today!

1. Personally, my experience of being non-binary is being a mix of both the male and female genders. The way I experience it can be shown in the ratio male:female as 80:20.

2. My pronouns are they/them, however I probably wouldn't mind he/him either.

3. My honorific is Mx. I used to have a mixed (ha) opinion on it, but over the past six months or so I've grown to actually really love it!

4. I mean, naturally I have to say that the purple on the flag represents me best! It's my favourite colour! However, of the four colours, it's the most obvious to symbolise the mix of male and female that I experience.

1. The first time I heard of non-binary was when an old internet friend of mine came out as non-binary. I never really thought much of it other than now knowing what pronouns I had to use for them! 

2. I started questioning my gender more than two years ago. I used several non-binary labels before settling on just non-binary seven months later.

3. As I said before, I used some other more specific labels, which changed as my understanding of myself developed. 

4. I have! I came out to my best friend basically when I labelled myself as non-binary. Then I came out to my mum the next Summer. Then I subtly came out to my other friends. And I came out on Instagram on Tuesday (actual non-binary day) and Friday.

5. I haven't come out to my granny or my dad, and I almost certainly never will. 

1. I love the community we have. Like, the majority of non-binary people I know on- and offline are really amazing.

2. I definitely know a lot more about gender and the history of it than I used to.

3. I've gained gained more acceptance of the way I am. I've also gained insight to some of my behaviours when I was younger. 

4. My favourite gender euphoria moments are definitely seeing or hearing my name. Not many people actually call me Elliott regularly, which is fine bc in most settings it's preferred that they don't (e.g. at school or in fandom spaces where I've almost always been known as Ell), but it's really nice to open my laptop and see it wanting "Elliott J" to log in and things like that.

1. I'm asexual, bi- and/or panromantic and autistic.

2. Well, my sexuality and everything intersect because it's all queer. Autism and trans identities intersect because a lot of autistic people are also trans and/or non-binary. While there is no exact reasoning behind this, some have connected it to our lack of understanding or different view of social situations.

3. Well, autistic and non-binary rep is incredibly lacking separately, put them together and, well...

4. Please, please, please, don't listen to people who are "oh so concerned about the lickle autistic childwen" because they pretend that we can't think for ourselves, or worse, they BELIEVE that. We can. If autistic people couldn't think for themselves, I wouldn't be running this blog. I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I probably wouldn't have friends. Don't fall into that trap.

1. I am asexual (cba to go into romantic attraction). I have known that for years, I feel like I probably class as an ace veteran! I'm not really sure how to describe my relationship with the terminology. 

2. Being non-binary definitely plays a part in how I refer to my body and and my relationship with it. As anyone who follows me probably knows, I have bad chest dysphoria, so I don't refer to that part of me with the "anatomically correct" term, I just call it my chest. I can't really change the terminology of anything else that bothers me. But yeah, being non-binary and the dysphoria I experience because of that definitely affects how I think of my body and relate to it.

3. Gender roles are shit, not gonna lie. I just do whatever the hell I want. I mean, cis people obsessed with them would probably say I fulfil the male role more than the female. But I don't know.

4. I definitely present myself in a more masculine way. I have short hair, I don't wear dresses or skirts, I only ever wear any kind of make-up for cosplay. However, a lot of my features are seen as proving that I'm "biologically female", and I don't bind as often as I'd like. 

5. I don't really know how often I think about being non-binary. I mean, I think about my gender more often than a cis man or woman probably does, but... I don't know. Not as much as I used to. 

1. Oh god, so many things people think are wrong. Probably that non-binary genders are new thing. They're not, they're really not. Western cultures just covered them up. A lot of indigenous cultures have more than one gender.

2. The most dangerous thing that people can think is that it doesn't exist and are only used to get attention. NO! If we wanted attention, there are SO MANY BETER AND SAFER WAYS TO DO SO!!!

3. I think it's definitely cis people, especially white cis people, who perpetrate the most misconceptions about us.

4. Binary people need to understand pretty much everything I've just said. And that if you want to have a say in this, do your research. And not just from a binary perspective. Actually LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!

5. Just... just don't ask me anything unless I say you can. And when I do tell, please don't ask anything invasive.

1. I have both changed my name and my pronouns.

2. I want to legally change my name. I also want to legally change my gender to non-binary, but that can't happen until the government agrees to allow it. Which they haven't. 

3. I think I want to take testosterone for some time. Maybe between six months and a year. I also want a chest reduction. Not top surgery, because I think it would feel wrong for me if there was nothing.

4. I haven't tried to access any gender services yet. I probably won't have to lie, I hope not, I'm a horrible liar, but I suppose we'll just have to see.

5. I want to grow out my natural facial hair. I have a somewhat abnormal amount of facial hair for someone who's afab, and mum makes me get it off bc she's worried about bullying and stuff, so I'll probably have to wait until I go to uni to do that, which is only two years, so!

Thank you for getting this far! I hope this gave you some insight into me and my experiences as a non-binary person.

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[fire-fira]

Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 6: Nonbinarity in Relation to the World

What is my sexuality and how do I relate to the terminology around sexuality?:

I’m asexual and aromantic, which probably simplifies things for me by a lot.

More specifically, I’m a sex-repulsed ace and a romance-neutral aro-- but I am in a mixed queerplatonic/romantic committed relationship and am engaged. (It’s queerplatonic on my end and romantic on hers, and I love her to pieces and want to explode anytime someone implies our relationship ‘isn’t real’ because of my being an aroace. She’s the single-most important person to me and anyone who dares to say I don’t love her can fuck right off.)

My fiance is a lesbian, but her being primarily attracted to women has no bearing on me. She loves me and wants to spend her life with me, and to me that’s all that really matters (as in I have absolutely zero feelings of inadequacy over the fact that I’m not a woman when she’s generally attracted to women).

Even if I weren’t aroace, I don’t think I’d ever call myself ‘straight’ or ‘gay’. 1) Because (nonsensical as it is) I still have it ingrained from when I was a kid that me being the type of enby I am makes it impossible for me to be straight, and 2) to my mind in order to be gay I’d have to be attracted to someone of the same gender (and considering how specific my gender is, that’s kind of a difficult possibility). And yes, I know that’s me taking said terms in way too narrow a definition (tbh I don’t apply said terms so narrowly to others and interpret them as far more broad in that context), but that’s just kind of how it works out in my head specifically in relation to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Does my nonbinarity influence my relationship with my body and the terminology around it?:

Unquestionably, yes. I have an educational background that has made me comfortable with saying accurate terms for specific body parts without any cutesy or crude colloquialisms, but I find that applying some of those terms (regardless of how accurate another person may view them to be) is dysphoria-inducing and uncomfortable as hell. A breast is a breast on a woman, man, or enby regardless of tissue and fat placement, but I can only ever bring myself to refer to my chest as my chest. The same is true for other parts of my body, and I think a large part of it is due to how ridiculously over-gendered some body parts are. That, and it took me a long damn time to be able to look at my body and see it just as a nonbinary body.

And seeing my body as just a nonbinary body? That has helped immensely with some of the dysphoria I have (and had). (And thank gods for having gotten past some really unpleasant dysphoria-based impulses, because those thoughts were HELL.)

What’s my relationship with gender roles? Do I fulfill a more traditionally feminine or masculine role, both, or something else completely?:

I’d have to say it’s something else completely for me. I know there are things I do and ways I behave that could be interpreted as either feminine or masculine, but I honestly don’t think of myself or my behavior in those terms.

Then again, I’ve spent a large chunk of my life picking apart internalized unnecessarily gendered crap and throwing gendered ideologies to the side. I know how to sew, crochet, and do embroidery (I’m not the best out there, but I do passably well) and when I’m in the mood for any of those things it’s enjoyable, but I don’t see those things as inherently feminine. Just like how I know how to throw a punch, can generally figure out how something is put together if I have to take it apart, and am a giant freaking nerd who isn’t above cackling over impressive explosions on tv or in movies-- none of which are things I interpret as inherently masculine (though I know a lot of people might).

Ultimately the concepts of femininity and masculinity are really weird to me. I just am how I am, do what I do, and enjoy what I enjoy regardless of any concept of whether it’s feminine or masculine. That said, there are some things that feel ‘too’ feminine or masculine for my tastes as something I’d want to do (or wear since it’s usually in relation to clothes), but those are usually cases of something just not being for me and that’s okay.

I will say that for my perspective on my ‘gender role’ I feel like a big part of it is in educating, mediating, and being helpful. Me helping others understand things around my areas of knowledge is as much a part of it as me knowing more first aid than most and being able to use it when needed. Which may sound a little strange, but it’s the way I feel and it is what it is. (Plus green and nature. Those tie in really strongly for me as well, in that same sort of association of pink and blue to binary genders.)

How is my presentation (e.g. clothes, makeup, (body/facial) hair, mannerisms) related to my nonbinarity?:

Whoo boy. This is probably going to get longer than I want it to. idk.

Clothes-- it’s a complicated mix of trying to be read as nonbinary and not-white as possible, which means for a long time it was a lot of just t-shirts and pants. It still mostly is that (it’s changed a little and gotten a little more sophisticated as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still pretty relaxed), and most people can pick up pretty quickly that I’m not what they’d consider feminine.

Makeup-- I generally hate having anything on my face, especially anything I would have to concern myself about smudging, but when it comes to cosplay or Halloween (or acting, or drag shows, etc) then I’m all in. (And I am so freaking grateful that my fiance may as well be a makeup artist, because while I can avoid looking like a clown, my skills aren’t anywhere near her level.)

(Body/facial) hair: - Body hair I generally leave alone aside from my pits and minor landscaping to keep things from getting out of hand; otherwise I don’t care. - In terms of facial hair I have a very light fuzz pretty much all over my face (though you wouldn’t know it unless I decided to take mascara to all of it, and if I did I’d have a pretty obvious-- though thin-- mustache), which I’m completely comfortable with and leave as is. - As for the hair on my head, it’s long (down to about my mid-back currently, though I have had it down to just past my butt plenty of times before) and the most I do with it is basic upkeep (washing, brushing, occasionally pulling it back when warranted, and braiding when I feel like it). I don’t see my long hair as feminine-- I see it as the most obvious external signal I can give that I’m Native, so that’s what I do.

Mannerisms-- Uhhhh... I’m unintentionally too aggressive and intense to be read as remotely feminine. But at the same time I make a genuine effort to be as gentle, comforting, educationally informative, and understanding as possible and I’m ‘too’ comfortable (no such thing in my book) with expressing my emotions, so I’m also unlikely to get read as masculine. I also have a subconscious habit of speaking in a short and clipped manner verbally (which unfortunately can make me come off angry when I’m not), and most of the time my body language is strong, confident, and I allow myself to take up space. I’m sort of a mixed bag of loud and impossible to miss, and yet also quiet and able to retreat and disappear into the background. A lot of people find me intimidating in person before they get to know me, though I try not to intimidate anyone. (Also doesn’t help that when I’m reading or concentrating on something my eyebrows subconsciously pull together, which makes me look-- in my fiance’s words-- like I’m about to murder someone.) So yeah, I’m all over the place.

How often do I think about my gender?:

I would say not all that often these days, but I do think about it when it gets brought up or when I get misgendered. Basically when it’s relevant I think about it, but when it’s not I don’t.

---

[Day 1] [Day 2]

[Day 3] [Day 4]

[Day 5]

[chadgamer]

Would it be ok to ask how you realized you were a woman and not a trans man? You dont have to answer if you dont want!

oh yeah i’m 100% open to questions like these! (as long as people aren’t being rude or weird about it lol)

also buckle up this might get long but i’ll throw in a short summary

short version: when i first started considering myself as a trans person i was dealing with a lot of internalized misogyny and lesbophobia and thought the worst possible thing in the world was looking like a hairy masculine lesbian, and also experienced a lot of physical dysphoria that lead me to choose to transition, so the only way i could feel okay with myself was passing as and calling myself a man even though i never really felt like or believed that i was one. after i was on hormones for 3 years and got top surgery and unlearned a lot of the negative things i’d internalized about women and lesbians i very rapidly became more and more comfortable with calling myself and being referred to as a woman for essentially the first time in my life, and then i was like, wow this is probably why calling myself a man always felt uncomfortable and wrong to me, because i’m actually a woman and have been this whole time

long version: so like. background: i was a hardcore tomboy as a child (still am actually) + i have an intersex condition that resulted in my puberty being uh, non-standard (happened rlly early, involved some masculinization, never finished properly until i went on hormones). i grew breasts really early and i hated them, to the point of that being a major topic of discussion w a therapist i was seeing until i got too uncomfortable talking abt my feelings abt my body w an adult to go back.

it was also drilled into me from a pretty early age by family, peers, nd time spent on the internet that the worst possible way for a woman to be was butch, and i was made fun of nd told off for “looking like a butch lesbian” a fair number of times, so eventually i internalized the idea that being a masculine woman was off the table

almost all of my close friends in highschool were trans which was a major incentive for me to actively question my feelings about my gender. every time i introspected on how i felt abt my gender, i always came to the conclusion that i just wished i were a man/weren’t a woman because of some pretty major internalized misogyny issues i developed in middle school, but wasn’t actually anything other than a woman

for abt 2 years i dated a trans man who was really deep into the transmedicalist tru trans gender ideology that he preached about to me frequently (he didn’t believe any of our other trans friends were ‘really trans’). i experienced a lot of dysphoria about my voice, face, and body, and every time i brought it up to my boyfriend, he would get incredibly upset about the fact that feeling the same feelings as him as a cis girl was invalidating his manhood, because if i was also dysphoric and definitely a girl, that meant his dysphoria didn’t mean he was a man. he was also generally a shithead and very controlling + emotionally manipulative, which spurred me occasionally to act out in defiance of whatever box he was pushing me into or thing he was trying to make me do, which i think was partially a motivator for me in terms of really wanting to not call myself a girl anymore, since he wouldn’t even consider the idea that i might not be one (that relationship ended impulsively and badly shortly after i went on t)

the kicker for me in realizing that i wanted to transition was when one of my close friends started testosterone (i knew other people on T but he was the first person i knew closely enough and spent enough time around to see the effects of being on it firsthand, like before nd after). after so much time spent agonizing over my discomfort with my body, it hit me like a truck that i could resolve most if not all of those issues by going on testosterone and getting top surgery. i wasn’t even thinking about my gender at all at the time really because it was all about alleviating my dysphoria for me. bc of the ideas about gender that were drilled into me by my boyfriend, i just assumed me being sure i wanted to go on testosterone meant that i was some kind of man

i never really actually considered myself to Be a man though, beyond the fact that i was under the impression that wanting to transition made me one. i did desperately want to Pass as a man for a significant period of time, but that was in large part because i felt as though i was hideously ugly and masculine as a woman, but good looking as a man, and i was pretty obsessed with the idea of being attractive. i vividly remember how many times i said or thought things like “i’m not transgender, i’m just transsexual. i want my body to be as masculine as possible but i don’t care about anything else” or “i’m actually a fake man and a transtrender lol, i just want to look like a cute boy but i’m not really one” or “my gender is Gay Man, not Man. i don’t in any way identify with being a man outside of being gay” (which is funny in retrospect cuz it turned out i was never actually attracted to men lol). i knew i couldn’t be a woman, because the idea of calling myself a woman or being seen as a woman made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

or at least it did, until i got top surgery. within a month after removing my #1 source of dysphoria i suddenly realized i wasn’t only okay with being called or calling myself a woman, but actively felt really good about it. that was really terrible and confusing for a while because i was still like, oh god but if i’m a woman i’m ugly and hairy and don’t have tits anymore this is horrible i’m unnattractive how am i gonna fix what i did to myself…. but that didn’t really last very long because i genuinely love how i look now and feel more comfortable in my body than i ever have and also realized how incredibly attracted i am to other androgynous + masculine women (which i always knew, and actively repressed, and maybe lied to people a bit about because i was so deeply ashamed of myself for feeling that way for so long, but like. we do what we do to get by y’know)

i also like, did a lot of talking through my past gender experiences w my girlfriend and other friends and realized how it all fit together and where all my feelings had come from and why i was feeling the way that i did now. but basically i think i just needed to have a deeper voice and get my tits removed and then i was like okay yeah i’m fine being a woman now i just needed to do those two things first. which i sort of knew way back when i first decided i wanted to transition, i just kinda got lost in the deeply internalized harmful ideas about gender and womanhood sauce

[tiergan-vashir]

What about a cis woman who has androgynous features and hates it and herself for it? I'd give anything for a more feminine face and not look so flat chested. Is this dysphoria too? Do you have any resources for this sort of problem? It seems silly, but when I see trans women having things like facial feminization surgery or going on hormones and getting breasts that are nice, I wonder if a cis woman who experiences the same pain over her androgynous features is in the same boat..

Aww, anon. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling this way. I wouldn’t say this is gender dysphoria as gender dysphoria is involves a persistent sense of unease and conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify.  You are a cis woman who identifies as a woman, but wishes she looked more feminine, which is very different.

I would assess how strong your feelings are and if it’s extremely severe, to the point that your distress causes you to be highly preoccupied with it and it is impacting your school, work, home, etc or and you find yourself hiding away, I would consult a therapist. You may have body dysmorphic disorder.If it’s not quite THAT extreme, the I would say that what you’re feeling and struggling with is still totally valid and far, far more common amongst folks than you might think.  Whether you realise it or not, as a woman you are bombarded all the time with powerful systemic, societal pressures to look, dress, and behave in a certain manner every day - and all of that can really destroy how people feel about themselves.

Shoving the rest of this under a cut for length.

Let me just tell you right now - my breasts are fuckin’ tiny.  I know I literally just asked for advice on binders a few days ago, but I’m an A cup at best. Probably smaller.  The slight, itty-bitty ‘cup’ shape on my flimsy bralettes probably give these non-existent knockers more shape than they really have.  Even though I’m buying binders and what not, on a lazy day, I could honestly just slap some pasties on these nip-nops and call it good. They’re that small.

This is amazing and awesome now that I’m busily trying to minimize their existence as much as possible.  I consider myself genderqueer/genderfluid so some days I’ll be crushed over the fact that I can’t be this tall, jacked, majestic Tiergan-shaped dude, while other days I’ll be fine and dandy with looking like a woman, while MOST days I just want to be the purest manifestation of Gender Confusion Inducement™ in other people.  Me wanting binders over my itty-bitty nublet tiddies is just me wanting to go that extra mile to be flat as a fuckin’ wall.

But when I thought I was a cis woman? I felt crushingly ashamed by them.  

Back then, I didn’t really like myself or how I looked. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror. I HATED looking at myself in pictures. I rarely took selfies, because I thought I was not very attractive.  I thought I was bland and ugly looking.  Society had told me again and again that attractive women looked a certain way, were shaped a certain way, dressed a certain way, etc, and that clearly my unhappiness was based upon the fact that I did not conform to that mold.I thought to be happy and to feel better about myself, I had to double down on the womanliness and become more conventionally attractive. So I’d buy things like massive push-up bras that never felt good, comfortable, and I hated in a desperate attempt to conform. I’d buy these really specific types of shirts and clothes that I didn’t like at all, but thought was what was ‘pretty’ for women. I’d fumble through learning make-up, not because I was interested in the colors, the expression, the creativity, and accentuating my features the way I wanted, but because that’s just what adult women were supposed to do.  I’d buy certain shoes I didn’t really even like, but knew pretty women were supposed to like and wear.

I was trying so damn hard to fit the mold and in the end, it only made me feel worse.  I felt like I was wearing this awkward, uncomfortable shell. People would tell me I was pretty, but I didn’t feel happier. I just felt more miserable, because all this extra emotional and physical labour I was putting into myself just to fit this arbitrary bullshit notion of what an ideal pretty lady was supposed to be like was EXHAUSTING and I didn’t even really like how I looked. I didn’t want to do it all every. single. day of my life.

Realising I was nonbinary was absolutely liberating for me, because I thought  “Well… if I’m not a cis woman and none of the old ‘rules’ matter anymore, …what does handsomeness or beauty actually mean to me?” 

And for the first time in my entire adult life, I defined for myself what beauty and handsomeness truly meant for me.  It was wonderful and liberating.  The first thing I realised was that I didn’t really give a fuck about how big my boobs are. Society did. And BOY HOWDY it was GREAT not giving a flying fuck about that anymore.  I still keep a few bras around for costuming/cosplay purposes, but you could not catch me fucking dead in one otherwise.

I used to hate make-up and find it to be this long, cumbersome chore that I would lose interest in doing every day, but once I got to sit and experiment on how I personally actually wanted it to look on my face - I fucking loved it. I like experimenting with colors and want to play with more. It appeals to the artist in me to play on a canvas even if that canvas is my face.

Fashion as a whole became a wild new experience. I stopped thinking about what I felt pressured to buy because it would make me look a certain way and what I really, really wanted.  I made a pinterest board of fashion goals and pinned every single thing I could find that I liked - regardless of whether it was a man, woman, or theater major dressed up in costume wearing it so I could identify what I actually wanted.  I dyed my hair pink, but got it cut in a more masculine manner and I fucking love the way I look now.

You might be thinking “Yeah, ok, Tiergan, that’s great and all, but I’m not nonbinary.”

But the funny thing I realised was that even though embracing that I am nonbinary led me to this understanding that I could take back my own power and define for myself what attractiveness truly means for me - this was a thing I could have done at any point in my life if I hadn’t been so buried in all those signals from society on what beauty was supposed to be.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you “just accept ur natural self! Don’t change a thing! Body positivity!!!!!” Because: 1) I know when you’re in a place of feeling super down on yourself, that shit doesn’t help at all and just feels extremely inauthentic. 2) I changed A LOT about myself until I was happy with my appearance. I just didn’t change it in the ways that I previously thought I was ‘supposed’ to.

So instead what I’ll say is that if you’re willing and able, I would set aside an hour or two each week to clear your mind, dig deep, and try to visualize a universe in which nothing anyone else thinks about your appearance matters anymore, because YOU are God.  You have a blank slate.  

There is no pressure to look a certain way to be considered beautiful, because you’re God. You decide what is beautiful..  No one in this universe gives a fuck if you have big tiddies, little tiddes, medium tiddies or any kind of tiddy, because right now the universe is a blank slate and all tiddies are created equal in a blank slate.  No one in this universe cares whether or not you have the perfect heart-shaped feminine face or not, because you’ve not told anyone yet what is considered attractive.  You are the decider of beautiful things.

Now imagine that you, as God of this World, descend down to hang with the mortals.  You can’t really change your body without going back to your old weirdo universe back on Earth, but what you can change is your clothes, your hair, your make-up, etc.  Knowing that this universe is yours and you get to decide what beautiful is for yourself, what would you change?  

Remember, you’re God in this universe you’ve made - so you don’t have to impress fucking anybody.  Anyone who says shit to you gets smited or yeet into the sun.  As a god, you get to wear what makes you feel powerful, majestic, and appropriately godlike - what does that clothing look like?  Can you imagine it?  If it’s hard, maybe pull up pinterest and surf around for your god-clothes.  Would you get stylish sneakers or thigh high boots?  Would you get a lady’s power-suit or a lolita dress?  Would you get some neat unique godly jewelry? (If yes, I recommend Etsy. That site is gonna destroy my fuckin’ destory my wallet.)

What’s your make-up like?  Is it tough to imagine?  Pull up another pinterest. Use it to find your god-makeup.  And hey - are you putting this make-up on because it makes you feel GOOD and POWERFUL like the goddess you are, or to impress the mortals? Because again - you’re god. You don’t have to impress jack shit. This make up is for YOU and what makes you feel GOOD and POWERFUL and GODLIKE.

Do you still care about having bigger boobs? (Did you know a fuckload of actual supermodels and Hollywood actresses have small tiddies? So even in THIS universe, you don’t need big boobs to be beautiful!)  Do you still feel unhappy that your face is kind of androgynous according to the dumbasses back in the vastly inferior universe you originally came from?  Or do things in your universe where you’re god feel pretty great?  I hope so, because gods don’t really have time to worry about the funky assumptions of mere mortals. You’re too busy being fabulous and doing godlike shit.

Hope this sort of helps!

[goatguy7399]

My Gender Dysphoria and How I Cope (FTM)

First, let’s define Gender Dysphoria:

“Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender incongruence.”

There are three categories of ways GD manifests itself:

Social Dysphoria: trans individuals wanting people to see them as a different sex/gender. This includes changing pronouns and trying to “pass” as the other sex. Ex: wearing gender-affirming clothing.

Body Dysphoria: basically “this isn’t my body”, typically the individual wants their body to look more like a different sex/gender. This can be anywhere from the general silhouette to wanting every detail to be changed to match their gender identity. Ex: going on hormone replacement therapy.

Mind Dysphoria: experiencing feelings/mood swings related to their assigned sex and feeling discomfort. Ex: trans man experiencing PMS symptoms.

Now that we have that defined, let’s talk about my dysphoria in particular. I’m FtM, aka a trans guy.

(This is by no means a template for how dysphoria should be, it’s just my experience.)

I’m going to break it down into the aforementioned categories.

Social Dysphoria:

My voice always gives me away. I want the deepest voice in the world. I wanna sing Bass 2. Man voice.

Dogs. They know. They can smell it. They will see me as female until I do HRT.

Whenever someone calls me “miss” or “ma’am” or any form of “she” I want to die. Or kill them. Or hide. Depends on current emotions.

People saying that I’ll always be inherently/biologically/genetically female. This makes me actually want to die. I have a fantasy that science will be able to rewrap my DNA so that the X from my dad would look like a Y chromosome.

Not being able to walk around w/out a shirt on like cis guys. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. Fuck my chest I wanna be like the men.

Not being able to pee standing up. I want to be a urinal man not a toilet man.

I’m too short, all the guys around me are so much taller than my 5’4” ass. I just want to be like the guys.

Body Dysphoria:

Boobs. Don’t want em, get rid of em asap.

Periods. I don’t know any cis woman who likes them but they’re especially shitty when you don’t want to be a female at all.

Genitalia. I want to have a peen. I can hardly deal with this thing that I have. I don’t like the hole, I don’t like the flaps, I don’t like the tiny peen.

My waist is too skinny, hips too big, and shoulders too small. I want to have that man triangle shape, not this hourglassish figure.

My face needs the hair and so does my chest. I want to be a caveman. Sasquatch.

Mind Dysphoria:

Those days when I feel really feminine make me dysphoric bc I don’t wanna be associated with that.

I hate being really emotional bc that’s associated with femininity which is bs but it’s how it is.

And a bonus section,

Dysphoria I’ve Alleviated:

Hair dysphoria (social/physical), I cut my hair to look more masculine.

Name dysphoria (social), my first name was already masculine, so I changed my middle name to Mason.

Pronoun dysphoria (social), I changed my pronouns to be/him and anyone who knows me (and supports me) uses those pronouns.

How on earth do I cope with such a list? Well, tbh I mostly don’t. I’m transitioning to get rid of my dysphoria, it won’t all magically go away. That said, I do have a few tricks that I use.

How I Cope:

I dress more masculine and often in baggy clothes to hide my body and to be perceived as male.

My (Underworks) binder helps compress my chest which helps get rid of that chest dysphoria.

I have packing underwear (RodeoH), but have yet to get a packer (aka fake dick) or STP (stand to pee, another fake dick) to put in it, but I hope to as soon as possible.

I now use he/him pronouns and changed my middle name.

I purposely deepen my voice while in public to appear more masculine. It doesn’t go substantially deeper, but I try.

Not thinking about the things I cannot change. It’s important to get rid of ideas that are purely harmful and don’t need to dwell on. It’s definitely something I need to work on.

So yeah that’s me in a nutshell. If you have any questions please do ask I would love to answer anything reasonable but I will not get into arguments.

[transadvice]

im really confused, ive been questioning for YEARS but im still confused. I feel like I should have been born with a cis male body but I love feminity and women’s fashion. I have dysphoria over being seen as a woman and having breasts but Im scared if I transition and still express myself femininely ill be fake or something or still seen like im a woman. i also feel like i *have* to be cis woman or else ill be considered ugly and no one will date me?

You came to the right place! I feel you so hard. This is basically my story. I have always been very femme in my gender expression. I love women’s fashion, the color pink, flowers, and so on. I enjoy baking, and I hate sports. Jane Austen is my favorite writer; I don’t get what’s so great about Fight Club. Also, I was assigned female at birth, and looked by any account like your garden variety cis girl/woman. Being a girl should have been an open and shut case. Yet, starting in puberty, and throughout my adult life, I felt a strong sense of discomfort and “wrongness” about body characteristics associated with femaleness, such as breasts. I wanted to be rid of them and have more male-associated body characteristics, like muscles and a beard. Although I believed I was a woman because that’s what people told me, and that’s what I looked down and saw, I was always somehow surprised about it. It was like my brain expected my body to be male.  The sex your brain expects your body to be, is what Julia Serano calls “subconscious sex” in her excellent book, Whipping Girl. Cis people have a subconscious sex that lines up with what they were assigned at birth. People who don’t? These are the trans people that experience physical dysphoria (Serano calls it “gender discordance”, a sense that your brain and body are out of sync where gender is concerned).  What about gender expression? Well, that’s another thing altogether! Just as many cis people express themselves in gender non-conforming ways, so too can trans people experience the full range of behaviors and interests and clothing preferences, whether or not they match up with what society says people of our sex are “supposed” to do or feel or wear.  Your sex assigned at birth does not necessarily line up with your subconscious sex does not necessarily line up with your gender expression. And even if you gender expression and your sex assigned at birth “match,” you aren’t doomed to be cis, or to live out your life as a sex that feels wrong to you. Subconscious sex can be hard to explain, especially to cis people who have never experienced discordance, but it is a real thing. Your feelings of being out of sync with your body are real, and the name for them is dysphoria. 

Look at it this way: if you were assigned male at birth, and you still loved women’s fashion and femininity, do you think you’d transition to female for that reason? Or would you embrace your love of heels but stick with your masculine body shape and appearance, perhaps joining a subculture of others like you, like the drag scene? Does that idea appeal to you? (You can go to there!)

Okay, getting real: yeah, expressing yourself in a feminine way may be a barrier to you being read by cis people as male, especially if you don’t medically transition (as many people don’t, either because they don’t want to or they can’t). Even if you do transition, early on, you will be frustrated that people continue to read you as a woman. That doesn’t mean you need to put your head down and live a lie. You can still ask people to treat you the way you want to be treated, such as by using “he/him” pronouns for you (if that’s what you want). You don’t need to “earn” it by “looking male enough” or by wearing boring clothes.  It should also be noted that if you do get on hormone replacement therapy, you have a good chance of developing masculine-associated body characteristics and being read as male most of the time within a year or two, no matter what you wear, because testosterone is a powerful drug. (That’s what happened to me!)  Now, onto the part of your question about attractiveness.

I think a lot of us worry that if we transition, we won’t be cute. Even the most goddamn hot trans people I’ve ever met have had this worry. It’s a natural to be nervous, given that we have to commit having no idea what we’ll look like post-transition, and given that beauty is so highly prized in our society. Plus, even if we do get to a point where we’ll be attractive by cis standards again (using the other binary sex’s standards), to get there, we have to go through a period where we are androgynous or have a mix of gendered cues going on, and that’s considered unattractive to some cis people.

I could say a lot about the intersection of cis beauty standards and trans shame, and about how AFAB people are conditioned to protect their sex appeal to cis straight men at all costs even at the expense of their own psyche, Naomi Wolf’s “Beauty Myth”, blah blah blah. But this answer is already really long. So I’ll just say this: 1. Cis beauty standards aren’t necessarily the end-all be-all. Androgynous or masculine does not mean ugly. Looking trans does not mean ugly.  2. So let’s say you’re ugly! Being ugly and yourself is better for your mental health than being beautiful and pretending to be someone else. 3. What if you’re hot as a boy though On a personal level, my love and dating life is much better now that I’ve transitioned, because I can interact authentically with people instead of hiding a huge part of myself. The first summer that I dated as a trans man was so much fun and revelatory: I had a different set of options for people to date, and honestly, a better set?? And it felt so good about MYSELF, and that made me feel more confident and attractive. I don’t know if cis people would consider me cute, and I don’t care. I don’t want to look or be cis. 

[cassolotl]

Coming off testosterone

I stopped taking testosterone on day 235, May 19th 2019 - 6 days ago, and after just under 8 months of low-dose testosterone. I had 1 pump of Tostran gel per day, which the medication leaflet says is 10mg of testosterone.

~

WHY DID I START TAKING LOW-DOSE TESTOSTERONE?

I’m nonbinary, and my goal was always to be androgynous. I started taking testosterone to deepen my voice, mainly, but the idea of a more masculine fat distribution on my body was appealing because I also have dysphoria about my hips and slim shoulders. “Passing” as nonbinary isn’t really a thing because most people don’t know that there are more than two genders, so the best I could really hope to achieve realistically was to confuse as many people about my gender as possible. 😈

Changes I wanted:

Deeper voice

Genital changes

Less feminine body fat distribution

Changes I didn’t want:

Facial hair

Hairline changes (but if it happens a little that’s okay)

Loss of hair on head

Body hair

A couple of years ago I had one session of voice therapy (NHS), which was fun and very interesting, but it taught me a couple of things. One was that finding my lower pitches and getting that low resonance by finding my chest voice was definitely helpful and relieved my voice dysphoria. The other was that there was no way I was going to be able to keep up with multiple voice exercises per day to keep it that way. I pretty much decided that day that testosterone was the most sensible option, and even though it was scary I would just have to find a way to deal with the negative effects.

My voice dysphoria was sort of disconnected from my idea of my gender. All I really knew was that my voice needed to be a lower pitch and more resonant. I felt that dysphoria especially when I was talking excitedly or when I was singing. But I also knew that I didn’t want people to mistake me for a man either, and since it’s a very long slow process and quite unpredictable I knew that I would need to be careful to keep track of things to make sure I didn’t start giving myself a new kind of gender dysphoria in the masculine direction!

It was another year or two before the stars aligned and I actually managed to get the can of Tostran into my hands (NHS).

~

HOW DID IT GO?

As I mentioned above, I was on a low dose, one pump of Tostran per day. One can lasted about 107 days. The endocrine nurse said I could reduce the dose to half if I squirted the gel onto my leg/stomach as usual and then wiped half the gel-dribble off with tissue and threw it in the bin before I rubbed it in, but I never did that. The two-month blood test put my levels at 9.7 nmol or something like that. (Female range is 3 or below, and male range is 10 or above, so I was very nearly almost at the male range.)

The first month I got that scratchy throat feeling, which I now know happens when my voice is deepening, and I noticed my voice getting a little lower. Also I was SO GREASY OH MY GOD, I had to shower twice as much, I had to get some high-powered anti-perspirant deodorant. It didn’t make me spotty, it was just disgusting! But it felt okay because I could tell it was affecting my voice. I also noticed that I smelled different, and that my bedroom acquired that delightful(??) teenage boy smell! Ew. This kicked in properly in under a week, and trailed off around month two, though I still needed to take more showers and wear hardcore deodorant and I was still more greasy for the entire time I was on T.

On day 26 I noticed that my... [flails around wildly for non-dysphoric word] pudendum had gotten a little bigger, and I regret not getting “before T” photos. The growth was fast and a lot more noticeable than I had expected, and it was extremely emotionally intense, because I hadn’t realised but I’d been sort of suppressing and dissociating from genital dysphoria for my whole life. I knew I had genital dysphoria, but not how much or how it was affecting me. I was completely unprepared, and it was overwhelming. (I am very lucky that I was able to access fortnightly gender-specialist talking therapy at Charing Cross GIC during this time.) A few weeks later I started looking into genital surgery options. I think my genitals haven’t changed much in the last 2 months, so I guess it took about 5-6 months to get to where they are now.

Here’s the graph the Voice Pitch Analyzer app [iOS/Android] makes:

And here’s the graph I made myself using data from the app:

In the second graph, the thing I notice right away is that my highest pitch now is lower than my lowest pitch pre-T.

My first month was rapid pitch drop, and then there were a couple of months of wibbling around on a plateau, and then after that things kicked off again, I had a few scattered days of scratchy throat and things started meandering downward. A common pattern was two to four weeks of wild fluctuation and no drop, followed by a sudden drop over a day or two. Sometimes my brain took a while to adjust to a drop in pitch, and I would tire myself out speaking with a higher pitch than my vocal chords really wanted to do.

In the last couple of months I got a lot worse at making the voice recordings, which in hindsight might be because I was less enamoured with being on testosterone, and it was maybe a sign that my testosterone advantages were sort of wrapping up and it was nearly time to stop.

No one who sees me regularly said unprompted that they could hear a difference in my voice. When I asked people if my voice sounded different, they said “ehhh, maybe kinda, yeah?” I learned that testosterone doesn’t make your voice sound different! It makes it feel different, to yourself and to other people. My therapist, who I see (approximately) fortnightly, said she couldn’t tell the difference at all, and when I played her my day 1 voice recording to compare it to my current voice (6 months or so) she was like 😮.

Strangers are still mostly gendering me female, as far as I can tell, but my appearance and my voice means that strangers gender me male a little more often than pre-T. I also get “sir, I mean ma’am, gosh I’m so sorry...” more often. It makes me uncomfortable to make people uncomfortable, so I just usually say “it’s okay, I’m nonbinary so I’m kind of both??”, which rarely makes them less flustered or less confused. I had some cards made years ago that have the nonbinary flag on one side and the definition of nonbinary on the other, which I should just start handing out whenever this happens!

My testosterone dose was too low to stop my menstrual cycle, but it did seem to mellow out the highs and lows. My PMS and menstrual symptoms are generally a nightmare even though I have no uterus to bleed from, so that was a nice relief. It was very strange to experience PMS and boy puberty simultaneously.

I kept records of my specific dysphoria feelings from about 3.5 months, thanks to prompting from my gender-specialist therapist at Charing Cross GIC in London:

The ideal outcome, which I was looking out for, was all of the lines meandering towards that horizontal line in the middle. That would mean the feminine dysphoria was reducing and the masculine dysphoria was reducing.

I am pretty lucky, in that most of the changes I wanted from testosterone are permanent and the changes I didn’t want are temporary or reversible. I made some lines on the graph more bold because those were the ones that I wanted to keep an eye on. Here are my thoughts on this graph:

Facial hair was impossible to score because it gave me both masculine and feminine dysphoria. Feminine because those dark fine hairs on my upper lip are most often seen on cis women, and masculine because they were caused by testosterone and male puberty.

When my pudendum started growing it also gave mixed signals. It was good because it was getting bigger, but as it grew it highlighted that there was a lot going on down there that made me feel feminine dysphoria (mainly labia around my pudendum, and sometimes that it was still relatively small).

I am not a very hairy person. I thought I wouldn’t like having more body hair, and for a few months when I scored my dysphoria I focused on specific patches of new hair and thought about whether I was dysphoric and thought that I wasn’t. After a few months I realised I was being too short-sighted. Yes, I can totally deal with these new fine hairs on my thighs. Yes, this darker and thicker hair on my shins is okay. Sure, these hairs around my belly button are no big thing. But when I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, and saw the hair as a pattern, my whole brain recoiled. Yes, I am definitely dysphoric about masculine patterns of body hair on myself. :S

There was a trend of all types of dysphoria getting less over time - until month 7, when they all started getting worse except voice. It took a while to be sure it was a trend, but looking back on it, that was definitely a thing!

The ideal outcome would be all of those lines converging on the middle horizontal axis, and it hasn’t happened. There are no flawless solutions for nonbinary people at the moment. As things stand and with what’s available to me right now, I will probably always have gender dysphoria. But I’m pretty glad that I’ve done what I can and I will keep doing what I can, because it is all helping.

Unrelated to any gender stuff, I have put on weight and gone up a size or two in trousers and one size in t-shirts. It could just be that I’m in my 30s and my metabolism is slowing, which is what I assumed it was at first, but the weight has come on in quite a short space of time, so that made me think about what I’ve been eating and why. I noticed that I was craving carbs and sugar, eating it, and then feeling unsatisfied afterwards. The type of hunger I’ve been feeling lately feels the same as the type of hunger I had when I had Implanon, a three-year birth control implant. When I had that removed my appetite went back to normal. So this putting on weight feels a lot like a hormonal thing. I have mixed feelings about it! I strongly dislike my clothes feeling wrong and having to buy new clothes, but also bits of me are pleasingly wibbly and it’s fun to be able to rest my cup of tea on my stomach when I slouch. :D

Also unrelated to gender stuff, even on a low dose many of my EDS symptoms were noticeably reduced: fatigue, loose joints, joint pain, IBS, dysautonomia. (Joint pain and fatigue were still present, but not as bad after exertion.) I also noticed that the really vivid dreams and very emotional days that come with PMS mostly disappeared, which I was sad about.

~

HOW DID I KNOW TO STOP?

People gendering me in different ways has increased lately. Like, a few weeks ago me and @watchkeyphone were trundling about town, and one charity/religion street-hawker person asked if we were sisters, and then a hundred yards later their colleague called us “lads” or something.

A week or so ago, I realised that my voice was sounding and feeling resonant in my chest pretty much all the time and that felt pretty nice, but I was still scoring my voice as sounding feminine, and I wondered if that might be because the changes are so gradual that I just changed my idea of what feminine sounds like. I noticed that I was more comfortable recording my voice to put online for various reasons.

I don’t live in a culture where people go around saying “excuse me sir” or “hello madam”, we don’t routinely gender each other in a formal way. But also, either I don’t have enough casual contact with strangers to notice gendered familiar words like “mate” or “love”, or strangers just avoid using those kinds of words with me because I’m hella queer-looking. So I basically realised that I have no idea how strangers see me or hear my voice at all.

So, in approximately this order:

I put a recording of my voice on the internet and asked strangers to gender my voice. Most of them said androgynous, leaning a little masculine. One person said I sounded like Q, a computer-generated intentionally genderless voice!

I went to a queer social group, and when it came up in conversation naturally I complained about how hard it is to know when to stop testosterone because I can’t tell how my body and voice are gendered by other people, and a lot of people I see regularly still see me the same way as they saw me pre-T. A couple of people said, “actually, in the past couple of months I have really noticed the effects...” So that was reassuring!

I decided to notice how my pitch works in different situations compared to pre-T. After the queer social group we went down to the river and some people swam, and when they got into the water and it was very cold, some of us cheered supportively - and I tried to woo like the “woo girls”, and my voice just came out at a dude pitch instead...! I apparently can’t be high-pitched at high volumes any more.

I watched a video about gender and voice by someone I’ve met in person. When I met them I noticed that their voice was pretty androgynous, and I enjoyed it and thought about how nice it must be to have a voice that can’t be easily gendered by strangers. When I watched this video last week, in which their voice was exactly the same, I noticed that they sounded like me. That was the moment that I realised my voice was done!

I spoke to my PA about it. I played my pre-T voice to her and her face was A Picture, she could not even. She then said that she has quite a feminine voice, and she suggested we each make a recording of our voices reading a paragraph of the book on the table, and then compare to her partner’s voice in a recording. My voice sounded more like her male partner’s voice than like hers.

I can now speak with a comically low deep resonant voice if I want to, and I can also speak with a high cutesy voice in order to address my cat, provided I am warmed up a bit.

~

HOW DID STOPPING GO?

On the day that I posted the voice file online, when strangers started saying I sounded masculine, I was honestly pretty surprised. In my head strangers in person were still mostly gendering me female, but when I really thought about it people hadn’t actually been gendering me much at all. I think I had been assuming strangers were hearing a woman’s voice because the change had been so gradual that I hadn’t had a moment where I could “update” my own gendering of my voice. I didn’t wake up one day and go “wow I sound like a dude” or whatever, so there was just nothing to update.

So, as soon as there was an indication that I might sound like a man soon, my gut said “NOPE” and I worried a little bit about going too far in the masc direction. If I keep taking T then I will sound more masculine and I might regret it, but if I stop and find that my voice dysphoria could be relieved with a little more testosterone I can start again in a few months, right? So I decided to not take it that day unless I learned/felt something that indicated I should put the gel on, and... I didn’t.

The first couple of days were pretty uneventful. Around day 4 I started to feel really run-down and chronic joint pain from EDS was flaring up, so I cancelled near-future plans. Yesterday was like the worst of my (uterusless) periods, I was in a lot of abdominal and lower back pain and then last night I slept for 11 hours... And today, also typical of my uterusless periods, it feels like a storm has blown over and I feel like a new human.

So what I’ve concluded is, coming off T triggered a very, very bad period.

Also, the past couple of days I have once again been SO GREASY, and I got spots yesterday, which is unusual in itself, but these are striking because they are WEIRDLY HUGE?? One of them is on my jaw and has caused a very noticeable swelling, so I’ve named it Balthazar.

(From “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” S03E12: Nine Days.)

~

WHAT NEXT?

It’s only been a week, so I’m assuming more weirdness is coming, but it’s all going to be ovary-hormone-related silliness so I’m pretty much used to it and I’m not too worried.

I am sad that I will probably slip back towards feminine body fat distribution. I will probably lose some of the weight that testosterone brought with it, but the remaining weight will probably end up on my hips again. I am really not looking forward to dissociating my hips again but I don’t know what I can do about it except have liposuction every few years?! (I will not do that.)

I am also sad that the bad bits of my menstrual cycle will go back to Full Force, and that my EDS symptoms will worsen again.

I am very much looking forward to my body hair getting finer and lighter, and maybe my upper lip hair will fade a bit too. If not I will probably have to get it painfully removed.

I want a metoidioplasty. Unlike many trans guys, I want no testicular prostheses, no vaginectomy, no phalloplasty, no new urethra. The clinicians at Charing Cross are aware that I want to have a metoidioplasty, because I included it in a letter when I wrote to the endo about a blood test, to make sure my surgery needs are documented in my medical records from the earliest date possible. I did that because they have minimum-time requirements for a bunch of diagnoses and referrals (like, two appointments before hormone treatment recommendation), which you can sometimes get around by providing reasonable counter-arguments. One of their requirements for referring for genital surgery is being on testosterone for at least a year where clinically indicated, so since testosterone has done its job now that means I’m not clinically indicated for testosterone any more, and I’m hoping that being on T for only 8 months shouldn’t be an issue. I also found a blog by a trans guy who had a simple metoidioplasty like the one I want, and his blog posts are really helpful and informative and have good quality non-porn photos (so rare omg), and his junk and my junk are extremely similar in size and appearance. (Here are his before and after pics.) So, fingers crossed the docs will consider that I have been on T for long enough and my pudendum is developed enough that surgery is an option.

I’ve written to the endocrinologist to say that I’ve stopped putting on the Tostran gel, and to ask if I still need to have those blood tests I’m meant to be having. I’m due to see him on 1st July anyway, a little over a month from now, and no doubt I will have saved up a list of questions for him!

~

CONCLUSION

Testosterone works.

[sasstablook]

voidpunk feels, let’s go

quote, OG voidpunk @arotaro​: “I don’t have a voidsona because I don’t have much of a sense of self”

what is voidpunk? 1 2

a history of voidpunk

alright, the rest of it is under the cut!

cw: discussion of “scary” mental disorders, self harm mention, dysphoria talk, anorexia mention, violence mention, some mentions of sex, abuse discussion

so to start out with, these are my Official Diagnoses: C-PTSD, bipolar-1, and fibromyalgia. I am not against self-diagnosis, but I tend not to self-diagnose myself, for fear of using the wrong term and it coming back to bite me in the ass. that being said, I'm pretty certain (especially in regards to my bipolar disorder) that there's something else going on here that the professionals are missing. I'll only be discussing my symptoms from here on out, not my disorders as a whole.

my main symptoms I experience that make me "not human" are:

intrusive thoughts and impulsiveness

paranoia and psychosis

body, social, and mind dysphoria

memory loss and executive dysfunction

disorganized speech and being nonverbal

hypo/hyperactivity

ambivalence and black+white thinking

I started with a very long list, and I tried to group related symptoms together. so...

I'm going to refrain from inputting sources and various denotative definitions, speaking only on my personal experiences.

1. intrusive thoughts and impulsiveness

a lot of "normal" people get random unwanted thoughts. like that little voice that says "throw your phone in the river" when walking across a bridge. these aren't necessarily intrusive. the main thing that separates these two experiences is intensity. my personal pattern of intrusive thoughts includes a lot of violence. for fear of stigma, I won't go into further detail. but often times, these intrusive thoughts develop into impulses. these are things I do without thinking them through. I don't think about consequences, I just act. my brain tells me to... let's say, scream. like blood curdling, someone's getting murdered, scream. I just do it.

my brain tells me to hurt myself. I don't know why. I do it without further questioning or examination. not even to just get my brain to shut up, necessarily. there are some persistent intrusive thoughts that never get acted on. but some of them do lead to action, even if they're the least persistent of the bunch

2. paranoia and psychosis

these aren't necessarily linked in the way intrusive thoughts and impulsiveness are, being that one can exist without the other (impulsiveness is always caused by an intrusive thought). but they very often go hand in hand, with paranoid thinking leading to psychotic symptoms. example: I am paranoid that my roommates are talking about me in the other room; I then begin to hear voices-- which may or may not belong to my roommates-- whispering unintelligibly

3. body, social, and mind dysphoria

https://imgur.com/vp1EjlA

dysphoria is something a lot of trans folk can relate to. but my dysphoria isn't exclusively tied to my gender. my dysphoria is invariably linked to my dissociation and depersonalization experience. this ties into my inability to connect with human beings.

I experience body dysphoria in that I despise basic bodily functions and necessities to keep the body alive. this includes consuming food stuffs, which ties into my experiences with disordered eating (y'all remember when I was anorexic? yeah, the thoughts haven't went away, but I'm doing better with my actions now). also can humans just... not... with the bathroom thing. like is it absolutely necessary to piss and shit all the goddamn time.

I experience social dysphoria in the way I am perceived by others. this mostly ties into my gender. no matter what I do, I am always read as a girl. but even so, I struggle to be read as masculine in that I don't necessarily *want* to be read as masculine. because men are just flat out awful. and this isn't exclusive to cis men. I don't *want* to be associated with men. because if men are bad.... and I'm a man... then I must be bad, right?

which leads us to mind dysphoria and the same line of thinking in regards to my masculinity. I am at war with myself on exactly how I would like to be perceived by others. my feelings on The Way Men Are and my feelings on my own identity as a man do not coexist peacefully

4. memory loss and executive dysfunction

memory problems are a symptom of all three of my Official Diagnoses, so it's no surprise I struggle with short and long term memory. if the event occurred even last month, I probably won't remember it. I struggle to recall basic details about people I've known for years, including age and last names. so you can imagine what it's like when I meet someone new!

as far as executive dysfunction goes? I just... don't remember. I don't remember how to do the most basic things. I've had to have loved ones walk me through the steps of preparing a bowl of cereal before. no, I'm not joking

5. disorganized speech and being nonverbal

I love language. I'm a poet. language is my thing. I got a perfect 36 on the English portion of my ACT, dammit

but as time goes on, I'm losing my command of the English language. I use the wrong word in the middle of sentences. sometimes the word isn't even related to the word I meant to use, though I can't think of any specific examples right now. sometimes it's just straight up word salads, which make sense to me, but not to those around me.

sometimes my brain's language center just... gives up. during those times, I may utter one or two word sentences. I might just make noises. I might use gestures or ASL. I might text full sentences or just a couple words at a time. or I could just become completely and utterly silent, not even attempting to communicate. I don't understand this

6. hypo/hyperactivity

note: I chose the suffix "-activity" rather than "-sexuality" because this isn't just limited to my problems in bed, though that's a large part of it.

this is something that I've only become aware of after others have pointed it out to me. there are days where I move too slow for their comfort. and it isn't always related to my pain either. I can be having a good physical day and still move like a sloth. on the other hand, there are days when I'm bouncing off the walls

I also fluctuate between hypo/hypersexual. there are days when I am sex repulsed. there are days when all I want to do is fuck

7. ambivalence and black+white thinking

I live in such a state of contradiction. I don't know how to feel about people, concepts, what have you. in order to cope with this, my brain often sorts others into 2 categories: perfect and evil.

sometimes, someone who was perfect yesterday can be put in the evil category the next day (I'm currently experiencing this with a lover of mine). I don't see gray areas. I'm incapable of processing gray. which is odd, considering I'm on the gray-ace spectrum

all of these combined tend to cause certain thoughts, feelings, and actions in other people.

"that's not normal"

"that's weird"

"you're crazy"

"you're broken"

"what's wrong with you?"

"we're putting you here for your own safety"

"this will fix you"

sure, help me out a little. give me some medication, some therapy. but... "fix" me? what about me needs to be "fixed"? why do I need to be "fixed"? namely, why won't you listen when I tell you what I need in order to cope with my brain's battle against me? I don't need crisis intervention. I don't need an institution. I just need medication for my chemical imbalances and therapy to learn how to live with my brain. when you talk about "fixing" me... it's like the only reason you care is because I'm not a "productive" member of society. it's like you want to "fix" me for your benefit. does that make sense to anyone else but me? this comes back around to the disorganized speech and communication, I'm really not sure I'm getting across my thoughts effectively here.

people hurt me... I feel like they do this because they think I'm a villain. I feel like they hurt me to protect themselves. even if I go out of my way to shield them from the way I am inside, it might not be enough to help them feel safe around me

I'm scary.

for so long, I've been in love with aliens, and cryptids, and monsters, among other inhuman creatures. I relate to them. I feel so disconnected with my humanity, that these beings bring me comfort

and now, I'm not the only one

voidpunk

bonus: actual notes from my notepad that I took in an attempt to gather my thoughts

my voidpunk: aliens, cryptids, slasher horror, cyborgs/androids, uncanny valley, Homestuck, primal, cannibal, afterlife, demons, liminal spaces, occult, FNAF, psychedelics, Undertale, dandelions, hoarding, Twilight vampires, parasites, X-Men, we're all made of star stuff, death and decay, bugs and creepy crawlies, succubus/incubus, god complex, yandere simulator, fae, transparent, Nathan W. Pyle comics, the world is quiet here, Lemony Snicket, escapism, fernweh, unconventional beauty

things that make me voidpunk: sleep paralysis, hurting others, an urge to kill, impulsive violence, using sex to get what I want, hyper/hyposexuality, xenogenders, microlabels, neopronouns, dissociation, an inability to connect and relate to other humans, lack of "common sense", "men are trash", inability to distinguish between My Reality and Real Reality, I Don't Remember Anything, psychosis, can't pick up on subtlety, unsure how to socialize properly, I'm Scary, ambivalence, inability to make concrete decisions, self medicating, Out Of Control, how do I move properly, broken executive functioning, disorganized speech, paranoia, I despise basic bodily functions like eating and bathroom, what do you mean you can't read my mind, google: how to communicate effectively, black and white thinking

[rontufox]

trans ask game taken from here!

How did you choose your name?

I wasn’t gonna change it initially.  I like my given name.  but I don’t like attention or talking irl, especially about myself.  so I figured I’d have a simpler time if I changed it to something more people considered masculine  

my new name had to start with B so my initials could remain BLT.  I also wanted a “white” name cuz although I’m biracial, my given name was white, and it just feels weird to have a name of totally different feeling, in that regard

the only B names I liked were already associated with people I knew, which I didn’t want.  so I kinda stopped.  I wasn’t motivated to find a name LOLOL.  one night, my cousin asked what I’m changing my name to.  when I was like “idk man I can’t find any I like” he pulled up a huge list of B names on the internet and just started reading them off the whole night lolol.  a few resonated with me, but Brian really felt right.  

I like how it sounds out loud, the feeling it gives.  I like its meaning (strong, virtuous, and honorable or hill/noble).  it’s Irish, which I am, so that was perfect.  and, amazingly, the strokes involved in writing it are actually really similar the ones I use for my given name

in the end I’m even more glad I changed my name, for feeling so much more of a self-made person.  it was kind of a new start, where I could decide anything.  I chose my own name.  I could choose anything else in life I wanted.

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)

my dysphoria stopped after I got top surgery and transitioned socially ✌🏼

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

in college.  that’s when I fully learned the term.  I always knew what I was since I was 5 or 6.  but college is when I learned there’s a term and community for what I was.

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

just, being able to be myself, freely.  

How would you explain your gender identity to others?

trans guy

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? 

I thought I’d stay closeted irl forever honestly.  it always seemed something I’d never be capable of.  coming out as trans was something incredibly strong people did.  people who were wiling to change their entire life.  well... I eventually became that person.

I first came out to my online friend Bsumo.  that was easy cuz they’re amazing, and we talked about gender so much anyway.  then I came out online, only on tumblr (I’ve been stealth online all my life).  after that, I personally told a few people irl I really trust.  next in line was my parents.  I had no idea how that would go.  but I was prepared to be rejected.  it went okay

then I had to come out at work.  I wanted to do that before making an announcement to my extended family via facebook to avoid anyone at work seeing it.  and that, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I’m very fortunate to work in a progressive organization, so I knew I’d be okay.  but it was hard.  I first told the CEO and our HR person.  it’s really, really hard to let the words out.  but I did it.  and the second I did, it was like... a floodgate.  like, there was absolutely no turning back at that moment and I loved it.  I told the rest of my coworkers in a meeting a few weeks later.  I gave them my new name and the pronouns they should use for me.  the older generation staff members had trouble getting the hang of it, but I didn’t meet any intentional resistance

I will say, you receive allyship and rejection in very unexpected places when you come out.  people you thought would support you that don’t.  people you thought would avoid you, reach out and advocate for you.  it was all quite an interesting experience.  

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

none

What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

tried binding a few times before I had surgery.  I couldn’t stand to wear it more than 3 minutes.  it triggered a fight or flight response in my body for some reason.  like the panic you feel when your finger or limb gets stuck in something and your life flashes before your eyes as your mind overreacts thinking you’ll never escape.  I even cut a binder off with scissors once cuz I felt like I needed to get it off NOW.

Do you pass?

yeah, unless it’s over the phone lol!

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

top surgery and T.  I woulda still been miserable to this day if I hadn’t gotten top surgery.  but I kinda took T on a whim.  see if I’d like it.  I’m glad I did, I really enjoy it.  out of all the changes I love my sideburns the most!

How long have you been out?

3 years!

How does your family feel about your trans identity?

frankly I don’t care lolol

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

I’m kinda in the middle.  I’m open about being trans online.  I pass irl so I’m pretty much stealth there to strangers.  but if anyone ever asked if I was trans, or if a trans discussion ever came up, or if I was just talking bout my past where it’s relevant to the story, I’d be fine revealing I’m not cis

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

1) that no, people don’t secretly see you as a guy, 2) the term trans,  3) that you can get top surgery without any therapy involved (I thought I’d never be able to get it because of that, I resigned to that fact for so many years when I could’ve been arranging it!)

What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

lol I’m not sharing that

What do you wish cis people understood?

I honestly don’t think about that much

What impact has being trans affected your life?

it didn’t affect me much til puberty.  before puberty I sorta deluded myself into thinking everyone around me secretly regarded me as a boy but weren’t allowed to show it.  when puberty came my life ended.  dysphoria really made me suffer all through my 20s.  and I always hated being seen and treated the way people did.  I’ve never ever disliked being trans.  it’s always been me.  but now I live so fully and happily.  I love being trans

How do you feel about trans representation in media?

I really do not want it unless a trans person is the one creating it.

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

can I say myself? lolol

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

making/reblogging trans posts is the extent of what I do.  I did do a few things irl--helped carry a huge trans flag during pride once.  it was an amazing experience, but way too overwhelming for me lol.  tried going to our trans masculine group at my local lgbt center but had a bad experience with one of the members there, and he later became the group facilitator so lol

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

same as I do now

What trans issue are you most passionate about?

trans youth having all the info they need to be aware of themselves and make decisions about their own lives

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I’m aroace and it’s amazing!  I love being ace!  being both trans and ace made me wonder how the heck my life’d pan out in terms of having a partner.  cuz I did always want one.  but I thought I’d have a pretty low chance of finding someone I liked (I don’t like many people LOL) who also embraced and understood both my transness and aceness.  and who made it simple and easy for us on both ends.  maybe the chance was low, but I got the perfect partner now ❤

How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was just painful.  there’s not much more you can say

[discourseboyfriends]

(Might be a long one) Ever since I followed your blog, I've been trying to rationalize he/him lesbians in my mind. Yes, gender is weird and yes I'll use their preferred pronouns regardless of my stance. But I just don't understand it unless they're basically saying "I have a vagina and I'm attracted to people with vaginas, and I also equate a vagina to womanhood, therefore I can use whatever pronoun I want but I'm still a woman who loves women based on said beliefs" (1/?)

(2/?) And that’s always struck me as deeply transphobic. I personally want to separate my identity as much as I can from my body. I don’t want a vagina and I sure as hell wouldn’t date someone who claims to be only into women but say they are willing to date trans men as well. It’s not okay for my ex BF who was cishet to do that, and it sure as hell isn’t okay for lesbians to do that. All this talk about “gender =/= pronouns and gender =/= your clothes” become moot when people say

(3/?) say he/him lesbians are cisgender women with “a complicated relationship with gender”. Like that’s literally the definition of being non binary/non gender conforming. Add on top of that a more masculine leaning POV and you have a… Person who’s relationship with gender is complicated. Which is like me. Masculinity is different for everyone. I don’t want chest hair or a beard, but I wear suits, use male/gender neutral pronouns, would like to undergo surgery/HRT, and /am a boy/.

(4/?) Ultimately I just want to understand them. I know cisgender people may use pronouns not used by their gender (I.e: drag queens using she/her while in drag and he/him while out). But I also realize that drag was often the gateway for many trans people to recognize their identity. In fact, the gay/lesbian community was ALWAYS tied with trans people, it’s just internal transphobia that causes people to erase these experiences and pretend that drag queens can’t be women or kings can’t be men.

(5/5) In the end people experience gender differently. If being feminine means wearing a suit, then go for it. If being masculine includes wearing nail polish, go for it. Like to me, having a beard or being hairy isn’t part of my experience of masculinity. Short hair, stylish suits, pants, t-shirts and jeans, a deeper voice, and a flat chest are. Maybe it is for you, maybe it isn’t, but it goes to show that you don’t need to conform to a gender based on stereotypes to /be/ that gender.

Okay I… actually really love a lot of the points that you bring up, anon?

Especially regarding the statement “"a complicated relationship with gender". Like that’s literally the definition of being non binary/non gender conforming” because tbh… yeah, honestly? Like with how it’s always so harped on “lesbians feel a disconnect from womanhood! And dysphoria! And want to go by he/him! And want HRT or top surgery!” It’s very… Yikes? Like… what do you think a trans dude EXPERIENCES? 

In general, we’ve heard from a lot of different people who’s former identity as lesbian kept them from realizing that they were men specifically BECAUSE they staked so much on the identity of A) making men the enemy at worst and a joke at best, and B) lesbians being lesbians no matter how far their gender suggests them not being lesbians. Idk…just… from what I’ve heard from guys who formerly identified as lesbians, a lot of their consensus seems to be that it’s pushed SO hard that not identifying with womanhood is normal and this NEVER makes a lesbian a man that it’s… super unfriendly to people figuring out that they’re men.

While I personally differ on my opinion of drag queens/kings (Not that I view you as “wrong”, I just am shaky due to my understanding of what drag is? But that’s another ramble entirely that I won’t force on you rn without somebody asking to hear it) I do agree on a large scale about gender being personal and widely differing across people. There’s no singular across-the-board role in relationships that men feel comfortable taking, there’s no singular body type that men feel comfortable having, there’s no singular presentation that men feel comfortable expressing, there’s no single perception of reality that is the correct “male” way to perceive.The thing that makes us men isn’t some abstract gene we could take a DNA test to find, or our presentation, or what bodies we want, or even our personal opinions of what “experiencing the world from a man’s pov” is like. 

The thing that makes us men and very clearly men is the fact that maleness connects with us in a way that womanhood...doesn’t. Like a disconnect from womanhood.Like a desire to be recognized as male and have he/him used for us.Like a degree of discomfort with either our primary or secondary sex characteristics.Like... experiencing literally everything else most he/him lesbian supporters say is DEFINITELY still a female-indicating trait women can experience.Hm.