#ms paint is my worst enemy. except when shes my best friend

[effervescent-fool]

devastating: local heartthrob only has eyes for his cringefail loser boyfriend

[choicesatnight]

Quick

Title:  Quick

Pairing: James Ashton x Vivian (MC)

Rating: NSFW and stuff...

Word count:  1,466 words

My disclaimer:  This character is owned by PB, I just enjoy some elaboration. I really love James Ashton and I love Choices fanfics, especially nasty ass stuff but there isn’t much featuring my original bae, James Ashton from The Freshman series

So, I decided to put my amateur ass talent to work and write with James being the *star of the story*

A/N:  Use of Daddy

 “James…oh…. please…”

“hmmm?” his lips parting hers, allowing his tongue to swim in the ocean that has formed in anticipation  

“Never stop.” He isn't nearly finished with her, inserting two fingers to add to the sensation she feels.

“I want…your dick" she moans, and he uses his fingers to hold her lips open while strumming her clit like a guitar.

“Oh fuck…oh fuck…Daddy, I'm gonna…” he quickly puts his tongue on her clit, flicking than sucking, enjoying how wet she's become. Her legs start to shake as she feels every movement of his tongue.

He's never been so thorough before, his tongue licking every inch of her pussy, inside and out. Her moans are short and urgent, as though she's out of breath. He sucks on her clit again and while he tastes her completion, he flows down his shaft.

“Oh. My. Goodness. How did you get better at eating my pussy?”

“I became your husband. “

“Even you came!”

“I'm excited about how delicious my wife's pussy taste"

“Let's go to bed, my nasty hubby"

“Okay, let me clean my dick off"

“Babe...”

“Yes?”

Vivian gets on her knees in front of him and swallows his dick, feeling it go stiff in her mouth

“Yesss baby"

She immediately starts slurping, remembering the noise drives James wild. She loves the feel of his hard dick (anywhere) in her, giving her the juicy mouth for the kind of wet, messy blow job he loves to get.

Taking him in her throat each in and out repetition he closes his eyes, lost in the comfort that her mouth provides. Lost in the joy he feels from having his dick in her mouth. She starts to lick his balls and the underside of his shaft jacking him off while she does it. The bead of pre-cum glistening the head of his dick does not deter her from sucking on it, his most sensitive part, until she's deep throating him again. With the gentle glide of her nails down his chest to his waist as he rests in her mouth, he reaches his limit, grabbing her hair and she finally releases his dick from her mouth.

“There. You're clean now.”

He gently pulls her up from her knees to kiss her

“You're amazing. I’ma fuck you so hard, guarantee a baby will find their way to the womb"

She laughs, “Let's wait on that, Logan is still an infant. Newborn! We should call to check on him. I’m sure my parents are spoiling him, but we have to make sure they remember to alternate weeks with your parents while we're on trial.”

“So, no more nasty time? We're having parent talk now? Okay. We'll call in the morning before we leave for court. “

“Great!” she kisses his lips, throws on her nightgown and gets in the bed “I love my baby daddy!”

He searches for some PJ pants to put on and gets in bed after finding them “I love my wife.”

 **

THE PEOPLE V. BLACK MAMBA DAY 2

PROSECUTION

 “Your honor we'd like to present video evidence A" the prosecutor inserts a small disc to play on the television showing James walking into the café with Comfort and Vivian's seemingly empty car is parked across the street. It cuts off to show James with other women, each time Vivian's car is there. 

“People of the jury, this video shows the defendant in the vicinity of the café every time Mr. Ashton visited.”

The jury murmurs and some seem to be taking notes.

“Prosecution calls Comfort Greene to the stand.”

James' eyes go wide, he never even considered Comfort would testify against Vivian although it makes perfect sense. Comfort has always labeled Vivian as guilty.

Comfort walks to the stand, clearly dressed in hope of gaining James attention, while maintaining the professionalism that is expected in court.  James only feels annoyed that someone he knows dares to testify against his wife.

After being sworn in, the prosecutor asks

“Ms. Greene, how do you know Mr. Ashton?”

“He’s my ex-boyfriend.”

“And how long were you two together?”

“We dated a while before we became a couple. We dated for about three months. We were a couple for two.”

“During your relationship, did the defendant interfere at any time?”

“She was the reason he wouldn't commit to me and eventually the reason we broke up. She and James have a child together so that also kept her in our lives.”

“And you say you have evidence of her bad behavior?” Comfort hands the judge a picture, “After James left me for her, she did this.” The picture shows Vivian with her middle finger up hanging out the passenger side of her husband's ride.

“Your honor., I object. How do we know when this picture was taken?”

“Ms. Green, can you address that?”

“Yes, your honor. The picture is time-stamped in the lower right-hand corner and I have multiple copies on my phone with the date as well. It will match the day he came over.”

“Objection overruled"

“Thank you, Ms. Greene. No further questions” the prosecutor takes a seat, allowing the judge to speak to the defense lawyer.

“Does the defense wish to question the witness?”

“Yes, your honor” Michael walks to the stand

“Ms. Greene, did my client ever get involved in your relationship?”

“Objection your honor, asked and answered.” the prosecutor argues

“Sustained. Find another way to ask your question, Mr. Board.”

“Were you two friends?”

“No.”

“Enemies?”

“James never conducted an official meeting between us except the day Reyna died.”

“It is safe to say that you two don't know each other?”

“Umm. Yeah.” Comfort thinks for a moment but ultimately agrees.

“And yet you're convinced of her guilt.”

Comfort is silent as the jury scribbles and mumbles more.

“No further questions. You are dismissed, Ms. Greene.”

With barely a second of “empty air", the prosecutor calls attention to himself, 

“People of the jury, the defendant had an empty vial in the purse she used the day she and the victim went to the coffee shop which she scoped her supposed lover entertaining multiple women at. This was a revenge murder. Reyna Mercado was a friend to Mr. Ashton and she mistakenly thought she had a friend in the defendant as well. Don't let her murder be in vain. The prosecution rests.”

“We will reconvene tomorrow to hear the arguments of the defense. Court is adjourned.” The judge hits the gavel, and all begin to speak to one another. James and Vivian walk hand in hand alongside Michael.

Once outside the courtroom, Vivian is hardly able to control the fear flowing from her voice in urgency.

“They're building a case against me. Did you see that evidence? and James former failed replacement testified against me!”

“of all the things you've called her, replacement is the worst. She could never replace you.”

Vivian grabs James' cheeks, “That’s why I said FAILED replacement, honey.” She lets him but continues “They're making me look like a vengeful murderess. As though I'd harm anyone who poses a threat to my relationship.”

“To our marriage “James corrects her

“Why are you focused on the details? For goodness sake, they know we've only been married a few days. You said I'd be okay with you by my side. What happened!?”

Feelings just a little hurt, he ignores that and replies “I'm still here and you're still okay. Why are you so worried? There still isn't enough evidence for a conviction. Baby, you're innocent. That will prevail. I know it will. Michael? You're the lawyer. Tell her some legal stuff.”

James steps aside to reveal Michael cowering behind him. Michael stands straight, straightening his fie and blazer. He places a hand on Vivian's shoulder, “Mrs. Ashton, the only thing that prosecution did was paint a hazy image of you.” He clears his throat before continuing, “We have better witnesses. Better evidence, and better information in general to paint a much clearer image. We have what it takes to prove your innocence. Honestly, between you and me. I could get a guilty man off. I’m the best. Don't worry.” Vivian looks at Michael and visibly calms down.

“Okay, but can we talk about why you were hiding behind my husband? My lawyer needs to know how to handle confrontation. “

“I do. I just don't like it.

“Okaaaay… “Vivian walks over to James, placing a peck on his neck before grabbing his hand to hold.

Michael addresses them both “We're up tomorrow. You guys ready!?”

Catching Vivian and James ending a kiss only after hearing his question

“What? Yeah, of course “James speaks, unable to hide his smile

“I'm going to head to my office and let you lovebirds be. Call me if you need me.”

Teeny Tiny Tag List:

@zigortega4life

@littlecrookedheart 

[believingispowerfulmagic]

“Reunited at Last” Chapter 3: Suspicions

           Diana dragged her feet as she walked through Town Hall to get to the Mayor’s office. People greeted her but she kept her head down, continuing her long, slow walk as if goring to her death. It was only the second day of her indefinite punishment and while Lacey was pretty cool as far as babysitters went, Diana missed having the house to herself. She dressed as she wanted, played music while she did her homework or danced around, read her books, played with her toys--whatever she wanted without anyone being in the way. She loved it.

           “Hello, Diana. Did you have a good day at school?” a kind voice broke through her sulking.

           Looking up, Diana’s heart sank when she saw she was standing outside her mother’s office and next to her assistant’s desk. Johanna was a kindly older woman who had served as the assistant for several mayors, including Diana’s grandfather and great-grandfather. She sat right outside the mayor’s office in a little cubicle decorated with a desk and a few filing cabinets as well as some personal knick-knacks Johanna had collected over the years. Diana always liked Johanna and returned the smile the older woman gave her.

           “It was okay,” Diana replied in answer to her question, not wanting to be rude to Johanna. She was not part of the battle between the supposed mother and daughter. “Still a lot of reviewing to make sure we remember everything we learned last year.”

           “That does sound boring but I’m sure it’ll get interesting again.” Johanna motioned to the door. “Go on in. Your mother is waiting for you.”

           Biting back the urge to snap that the mayor was not her mother, Diana thanked Johanna. She opened the door, ready to face Mom. Her teacher had told her earlier that Mom had spoken to her about her supposed homework assignment the day before so Diana knew she was busted. It had been her mother’s late day yesterday so she had gotten home after Diana had gone to bed. Diana hoped she could get away without a big lecture today but she doubted it.

           They mayor’s office was decorated in earth tones, as Diana knew from her art classes at school. She also had memories of when her mother decorated the office, though she doubted now that they were even real. Still, she could rattle off the name of each color--the rug was canyon brown and the walls mocha cream with harvest gold accents. It made the mahogany colored fireplace stand out more. Chocolate brown couches faced the fireplace with a mahogany coffee table between them. Mom had a book full of pictures of Storybrooke for visitors to peruse on it.

           All of that was to Diana’s left. On her right was a long, cherry wood dining table with several matching chairs. Mom had meetings with other government officials and her staff members there, usually providing them with food and beverages from the snack bar against the wall. It was stocked with several types of snacks and drinks, as well as a good variety of fruit--except for apples. Even the basket of wax fruit Mom kept on the table contained no apples, something Diana only recently noticed. It intrigued her, just like her mother’s fascination with birds. She had several paintings of them hanging on the walls both here and at their house. Diana gave one the side-eye as she stood in the doorway.

           “Why don’t you grab a snack and then have a seat on the couch? I just need to finish up one thing and then we can talk,” Mom said, head bent as she filled out some paperwork on her desk. It was located in the middle of the back wall, right in front of the large windows that overlooked the town. The only other place to offer a better view was the clock tower above Storybrooke’s abandoned library. No one went up there, though, as the clock was broken--unable to move forward because the curse had stopped time for the citizens of Storybrooke. It made Diana question so much and she wished she could find the answers, not have to tap dance around her “mother.”

           For now, she did as her mother suggested and grabbed a granola bar as well as a juice box from the fridge. She then sat on the couch, her book bag at her feet, and waited for Mom to finish her paperwork as she munched on her snack.

           It didn’t take long for Mom to sit down next to her, tucking her black skirt under her as she did so. She placed a picture frame upside down on her lap before adjusting the pink sweater over her white shirt. Mom leaned closer as she smiled at Diana. “How was your day, princess?”

           “Okay,” Diana replied, shrugging. She then repeated what she told Johanna.

           Mom nodded. “Revision is very important. You need to make sure you have that foundation in order to build up your knowledge.”

           When Diana shrugged again, Mom pressed her lips together. She then said: “I spoke to your teacher yesterday.”

           Diana’s heart sunk. “I know. Sister Trina told me.”

           “So I know that there was no survey assignment. I also went to talk to Ms. Mills yesterday as well,” Mom continued.

           “You did?” Diana asked, her stomach twisting up in knots. “Did she tell you why I was really there?”

           Mom nodded. “I wasn’t pleased that you lied to me but you were only following Ms. Mills’ lead and she was trying to spare my feelings, so I’ll let it slide--for now. But we need to talk about your sudden belief that I’m not your mom and Ms. Mills is.”

           “Because it’s true,” Diana protested.

           Mom’s brow furrowed. “Why? Because some book told you?”

           Diana knew that when she put it that way, it did sound silly. Yet she also knew in her heart that it was true. She doubted Mom would accept that and would keep pushing until Diana doubted her own heart. Villains were very good at that thing.

           “I don’t look like you or Dad,” she said instead. “I don’t feel part of this family.”

           Mom’s eyes filled with tears and she wrapped her arm around Diana. She lifted the picture frame to reveal the photograph of herself lying in a hospital bed holding a newborn baby wrapped in a white blanket and wearing a pink hat. “Your father took this the day you were born--the happiest day of our life. You are our daughter--my daughter.”

           She let Diana hold the picture as she moved in closer. “I know things have been different since your father’s accident. I know it’s been hard not having him around. It’s been hard for me too, trying to be the mayor as well as both mom and dad to you. And I’m willing to admit that maybe I haven’t been so great a mom these past few months.

           “I have a proposal for you,” she continued. “I promise to make more time for you. Starting this week, I’m going to block out a special chunk of time that’s only for the two of us. We can do whatever you want--go to the movies, go shopping, have lunch, practice archery. How does that sound?”

           It sounded tempting. Diana loved all of those things, especially archery. She figured it wouldn’t hurt to spend time with the enemy. Perhaps she could get some answers while lulling Mom into a false sense of security. This appeared to be a win-win situation.

           “That sounds great, Mom,” she replied with a smile.

           Mom smiled but her tone sounded serious as she continued: “Now you need to do something for me. You need to stop all this nonsense about Ms. Mills being your real mother. I spoke with her and she’s agreed to have no contact with you.”

           “What?” Diana exclaimed. She would’ve jumped up but Mom had tightened her grip. “That’s not fair!”

           “It may not seem fair but it’s for the best,” Mom insisted. “I don’t want you talking with Ms. Mills either. Instead, I want you to talk with Dr. Hopper.”

           Dr. Hopper was the town’s psychiatric and Diana’s stomach twisted at the implications. “I’m not crazy!”

           Mom caressed Diana’s face as she softened her tone. “Of course you’re not. I just think a lot has happened and you need someone to talk to, someone who can help you work through everything. Dr. Hopper can do that. And you won’t be alone. We’ll also have sessions together to become stronger as a family, okay?”

           Though it sounded like she had a choice, Diana knew she was going to see Dr. Hopper whether she wanted to or not. She sighed, her shoulders slumping as she said: “Okay.”

           “Thank you, princess. Things are going to get better, I promise.” Mom hugged her. “And the first step is for you to give me the storybook. I think it’s best if we got rid of it.”

           Diana had been expecting that and she was glad she had already left it somewhere safe. It allowed her to truthfully say: “I don’t have it. I gave it to a friend. The book was meant to be shared.”

           Mom’s eyebrow went up but she relaxed, seemingly accepting that answer. “Good. I think we’re off to a very good start then.”

           There was a sharp rap on the door before it opened. Johanna stood there, facing the two. “Lacey is here for Diana,” she said.

           “Thank you. Tell Lacey she’ll be right out,” Mom replied.

           Johanna nodded before closing the door. Mom stood. “I’ll be home in time for dinner. Be good for Lacey.”

           “I will,” Diana replied, putting her book bag on. Mom opened her arms and Diana hugged her, playing along for now.

           Mom let her go and Diana headed out of her office. Lacey stood there, tapping one of her blue pumps impatiently. She leaned against the wall, her black skirt ending far above her knees. Her bright blue sequined halter top sparkled in the fluorescent lighting and when she caught sight of Diana, her necklaces clanged together as she straightened up. “Hey, kid. Ready to go?”

           “Yeah,” she said. “What are we doing today?”

           Lacey shrugged, glancing at the door. “How will your mom react if I gave you a makeover?”

           Diana looked over Lacey’s messy ponytail and expertly applied makeup, admiring them. Though she thought a makeover sounded like fun, she shook her head. “I’m already on thin ice with her and I���d rather keep you as my babysitter.”

           Lacey laughed. “I’m sure. Or else you’d have to deal with Mrs. Figg again.”

           “Ugh,” Diana replied, scrunching up her nose. “She was the worst.”

           Mrs. Figg had been her babysitter when she was a little girl. She had been strict with a lot of rules Diana had to follow and only had prunes for snacks for her, which had prompted Mom to start sending snacks with Diana. Mrs. Figg did not own a TV and usually preferred Diana to read quietly, though she did let her play with toys as long as she didn’t get too loud and didn’t make a mess. As she got older, it was harder and harder to please Mrs. Figg no matter how much Diana tried to obey her rules.

           It had been a relief when her parents had decided to trust Diana with more responsibility now that she was older and got Lacey to start watching her at home before only having her come on nights when they had to work late. Lacey wasn’t the typical babysitter, though she made sure Diana ate healthy meals and did her homework. She didn’t hover over Diana and gave her her space. While it would’ve been easier to sneak off to see Regina without Lacey around, it still didn’t keep Diana from plotting her next move to break the curse and get her real family back.

Continue reading on FFnet, AO3 or Wattpad

[obtusemedia]

Ranking 2017′s #1 Hits, Worst to Best

2017 was a strange year for the pop charts because the genre of pop itself was almost non-existent.

Big names who just a few years ago would’ve been guaranteed to have multiple smashes per year had singles that were dead on arrival, from Katy Perry to Macklemore to *wistful sigh* Lorde. When Kesha’s vengeful power ballad “Praying” reached #22, which would even barely qualify it as a “hit,” I was shocked (for good reasons, the song is fantastic).

Instead, 2017 felt like the early-aughts all over again, with hip-hop absolutely dominating the cultural landscape. And despite my sadness regarding America’s wholesale rejection of bubblegum pop, I wasn’t too upset because for the most part, the masses had pretty good taste in rap! I can live with us abandoning Carly Rae Jepsen if we get more bangers like “XO Tour Llif3,” “Mask Off” or “MotorSport.” 

The hip-hop takeover was so prominent that out of the 12 songs that reached the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 in 2017, six were in the rap genre (and that’s not counting a few others with clear hip-hop influence). How did they compare to the few pop, R&B, and reggaeton songs that snuck through the cracks? Let’s discuss.

#12: “I’m the One” by DJ Khaled feat. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and Lil Wayne (#1 for one week)

What happens if you get a whole truckload of the music industry’s biggest male stars, cram them one on track together, but they all phone it in? You get “I’m the One,” a painfully mediocre pop-rap song that reached the top of the charts based on name recognition alone.

First off, I have no problems with DJ Khaled. He’s an entertaining person and is responsible for some stellar tunes. But he clearly had an off day here; The production sounds like a limp ripoff of multiple already-not-great DJ Mustard songs from 2014. 

Meanwhile, Biebs sounds like he just wandered into the studio half-asleep. Frankly, that’s something I can say about his vocal performance most of the time, but at least usually he works with better production than this.

Then we have the three rappers: Quavo is on autopilot, probably since he recorded about a thousand other guest verses in 2017 that were nearly identical. Lil Wayne is way past his sell-by date at this point, although I did chuckle at his Whitney/Bobby line. 

And Chance...what are you doing, man?! His overly-sweet style usually sits on the tightrope between goofy fun and way-too-cheery, and he landed hard on the latter side this time. He just sounds so awkward and out-of-place trying to cram his positivity into this song while dropping brand names like everyone else (yes, I know he actually has a Gucci belt, but referencing that still sounds weird from him). Also: it’s not special that your girlfriend doesn’t have cable. Most Millennials don’t.

So while “I’m the One” isn’t egregiously awful by any means, it does commit the worst possible crime for a song: It’s forgettable.

#11: “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé (#1 for two weeks...and counting)

Beyoncé’s first number one hit since “Single Ladies” is...an aggressively bland duet with Ed Sheeran. I can’t blame her for “Perfect”: This is an Sheeran cut first and foremost. 

Listen, I get it, there will always be a need for wedding first-dance songs (although this would be only for a super-basic wedding), but Ed already put out a wedding first-dance song three years ago! And it was actually pretty decent! Meanwhile, “Perfect” is acoustic-guitar mush that’s so boring that even Queen Bey can’t bring the excitement. 

The sad thing about “Perfect” is that I don’t mind Ed that much. Yeah, he’s a total dork, but he can be charming if he puts enough energy and effort into his songs, like this Divide cut. 

The problem is just that I’m allergic to 99 percent of acoustic guitar ballads. There’s some exceptions, but “Perfect” is nowhere near the level of those songs, despite the massive star power involved here. And with any luck, it’ll be forgotten in a couple years, but we’ll still have to sit through it at half of our friends’ weddings this summer.

#10: “rockstar” by Post Malone feat. 21 Savage (#1 for eight weeks)

Post Malone’s rise from “that trashy-looking Future wannabe” to “one of the biggest names in pop music” confuses me. He’s not the absolute worst — I’ll take him any day of the week over Kodak Black or XXXTENTACION — but what makes this guy so special? I don’t love Future, but occasionally, he can drop something electrifying. Meanwhile, Post Malone sounds absolutely stoned out of his mind half the time, and not in the good way like Snoop. Say what you want about fellow Texas white rapper Riff Raff, but at least that guy sounds like he’s having, you know, fun.

I’ll give Post this: “rockstar” is a definite upgrade over Malone’s breakout, “White Iverson,” if only because the melody on the former is actually fairly solid and 21 Savage comes through with a decently witty verse. 

Honestly, most of my problems come with the sleepy production. For a song about living life like rockstars, it sure doesn’t sound like a crazy night. It sounds more like the groggy, hungover morning after. The predecessor to “rockstar,” 2007′s “Party Like a Rockstar,” might have been a boneheaded mess, but it actually sounded like the Shop Boyz were legitimately partying like rockstars.

#9: “Look What You Made Me Do” by Taylor Swift (#1 for three weeks)

DAMNIT TAYLOR. THIS HAD POTENTIAL.

As a person, Taylor Swift isn’t my favorite. I don’t think she’s quite as evil as some make her out to be, but she’s definitely still pretty awful. And of course, because I’m an obnoxiously devoted Kanye stan, Ms. Swift will never be on my good side. 

But that’s fine! If you’re a jerk in real life with lots of enemies, then lean into being the villain in your music. Taylor’s arch-nemesis nailed this approach four years ago. The way to NOT react to bad PR is to paint yourself as the victim. And unfortunately, that’s exactly what “Look What You Made Me Do” is. 

The lyrics here try to blame Kanye and the media for events that were clearly Taylor’s fault. And again: if she had owned it, saying something on the lines of, “Yeah, I’m straight-up Regina George. I wreck careers and destroy my enemies. What are you going to do about it?”, that would be amazing! Clearly, the video, which is actually pretty great, is on that wavelength and paints the whole situation in a humorous light. It’s too bad the song doesn’t share that perspective.

So, if this song frustrates me so much, why isn’t it dead last? Thank super-producer/pop genius Jack Antonoff, who provides Taylor with an appropriately sinister, minimalist beat (with cowbells at the end!). And honestly, I kind of love the goofy details here, like the “I’m Too Sexy”-biting chorus and the instantly-iconic “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh...because SHE’S DEAD!!” refrain. 

“Look What You Made Me Do” is the equivalent of a star wide receiver getting the perfect pass while wide open...and then tripping in the endzone, completely missing the football. It would’ve been a great pop song if Taylor knew how to get out of her own way. Just listen to 1989 instead.

#8: “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee feat. Justin Bieber (#1 for 16 weeks)

“Despacito” is passable. The melody is catchy enough, it has a nice, summery groove, and Luis Fonsi’s silky-smooth vocals and Daddy Yankee’s gruffer delivery compliment each other nicely. Having a Spanish-language song dominate the summer for the first time in ages was neat.

HOWEVER. There are a couple  things that hold it back in this countdown:

1) Justin Bieber’s shoe-horned inclusion was entirely unnecessary and awkward. I swear, I don’t hate everything Biebs has done (“One Time” will forever be a middle school formal classic), but his contributions in 2017 were lacking.

2) The production doesn’t really grab me here. Sorry. If it sounded more like Daddy Yankee’s previous material, I’d be more on board.

“Despacito” is a decent pop song, but it didn’t deserve to be the biggest hit of the year. Blame overplay, I guess.

#7: “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran (#1 for 12 weeks)

...I don’t really have a lot to say about this one, to be honest. It’s fine. It’s certainly better than the audio NyQuil of Ed Sheeran’s ballads.

I’ve never minded it too much when Ed tries to go hip-hop. Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing, but as a fellow embarrassing person, I don’t mind. It’s just that “Shape of You” doesn’t really have a lot to offer beyond a halfway-decent beat and some clunky lyrics (really, Ed? Taking a girl to an all-you-can-eat-buffet on the first date? You know you’re a millionaire, right?). 

The whole song just feels sort of calm, but not necessarily in a good way. It doesn’t get you hyped, but it also doesn’t get you particularly emotional or happy either. “Shape of You” just...exists. And while it’s not a terrible existence — I’d never force someone to change the radio station if it came on — it’s not a particularly stellar one either. 

Still, I’ll always give props to Ed for willing to play with some sounds and musical styles outside of acoustic guitar. I far prefer this over listening to a British version of Jack Johnson.

#6: “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars (#1 for one week)

Bruno Mars cranked out yet another brilliant retro-pop single this spring. Given his stellar track record, the quality of “That’s What I Like” shouldn’t have been a shocker.

In fact, I’m not sure there is to really comment here. Does anybody really dislike this song? “That’s What I Like” is just an objectively solid, 7.5/10 pop single. Not quite on the same lofty level as “Uptown Funk” or “Locked Out Of Heaven,” but it’ll have a nice mid-show slot during his Vegas residency in 2030. Keep up the good work, Bruno.

#5: “Bodak Yellow” by Cardi B (#1 for three weeks)

I have no clue how “Bodak Yellow” became a number one hit. This type of uncut, non-bubblegum rap doesn’t usually become popular. There was no meme or viral joke associated with it. There’s no flashy guest verse or singer for maximum crossover appeal. I mean, yes, Cardi B was apparently reality-show famous, but last time I checked, most reality stars don’t really branch out in this big of a manner (heard from Snooki or Lauren Conrad lately?).

Still, I’m cool with “Bodak Yellow” being the sleeper hit of the year. The only potential flaw here is the fairly generic trap production, but Cardi B makes that irrelevant. She’s a force on the mic. There’s something about flexing that just sounds so much cooler when it’s done in a super-aggressive New York accent. And with rappers sounding sleepier by the minute, Cardi’s in-your-face delivery that grabs you by the neck and doesn’t let go is refreshing.

I also thought it was interesting that Nicki Minaj kept getting thrown into this “Bodak Yellow” discussion, because this sounds nothing like Nicki. Nicki Minaj’s biggest hits typically positioned her as an unhinged psychopath or bubblegum popstar who’s just a little bit edgier than the Katy Perrys of the world.

Cardi B, meanwhile, sounds like a trash-talking mob boss. Yes, she brags about money and men, but what is “Bodak Yellow” really centered around? Power.

“Bodak Yellow” still feels a bit like a mixtape track (albeit a great one), but it’s very promising, and I hope we hear a lot more from Cardi B in the next year.

#4: “Bad and Boujee” by Migos feat. Lil Uzi Vert (#1 for three weeks)

I’m not sure we’ve had a hip-hop song this infinitely quotable since 2 Chainz and Kanye’s 2012 double whammy of “Mercy” and “Birthday Song.”

Right off the bat, we get Offset rattling off the immortal lines that will go down in history: “Rain drop. Drop top.” And from there, we enter a land of increasingly silly ad-libs, awkward Pixar name-drops and fiery bars after fiery bars. There’s even a Metro Boomin drop! It’s magical.

However, I would just like to give a moment to shout out Lil Uzi Vert. There are people who will tell you his guest verse is garbage. Those people are not to be trusted. Uzi’s guest verse is in fact a prime example of so-bad-it’s-actually-genius, up there with Talledega Nights.

I don’t know if his verse was meant to be comedic or not, but I crack up nearly every time that “YAH YAH YAH YAH YAH” starts. I mean, come on, how can you hate a verse that features multiple awkward pauses so the rapper can catch his breath? Or a verse where the rapper accidentally falls asleep in a hot tub (which is a really, REALLY bad idea).

And for those who think Uzi’s avant-garde stylings and ridiculous lines ruin “Bad and Boujee,” just remember Offset also said he cooked drugs with a literal uzi and Quavo favorably compared himself to an animated French rat. It’s all ridiculous, and I love every minute of it.

#3: “HUMBLE.” by Kendrick Lamar (#1 for one week)

Two years ago, if you had told me Kendrick Lamar would ever have a #1 hit, I would’ve dismissed you. Yes, the modern Compton legend is probably the most talented rapper of his generation, and yes, he’s got critical love by the boatloads (Pitchfork has given him Album of the Year three times, something nobody — not even P4K darlings like Animal Collective or Kanye or Radiohead — has pulled off), but he was always a bit too out there for the mainstream. In 2015, he was noodling around with freeform jazz while the most popular hip-hop was riffing off of Young Thug’s sound (*brushes tear from eye* I miss Fetty Wap so bad, guys).

Still, what Kung Fu Kenny wants, Kung Fu Kenny gets, and somehow, Kendrick managed to pull off the balancing act of delivering a super-catchy, radio-friendly rap hit without diluting his unique style.

Mike Will Made It’s minimalist piano production gives Kendrick plenty of room to dish out threats to his rivals and flex into eternity. There’s plenty of solid lines here, but my personal favorite, as a music nerd, is “Soprano C, we like to keep it on a high note.” 

No, “HUMBLE.” isn’t Kendrick’s best, but it’s still exhilarating to hear his intense energy on a simple banger beat. I hope he continues to ride that sweet spot between his weird, experimental side and his knack for creating catchy trunk-rattlers.

#2: “Black Beatles” by Rae Sremmurd feat. Gucci Mane (#1 for one week in 2017 + six weeks in 2016)

Memo to Post Malone: THIS is how you do a hip-hop song about being a rockstar. 

“Black Beatles” is a goddamn pop-rap masterpiece that would’ve made my Top 25 of 2016 list, except for the fact that I didn’t realize how great it was until mid-December of that year, when my list was already solidified. Luckily, it held onto the #1 spot for one more week in 2017, so I get the opportunity to gush about it here(a year later than everyone else, I know, but whatever).

First, Rae Sremmurd by this point are two of hip-hop’s best voices. Their energetic, sing-song flows perfectly capture the rush and chaos of youth. Although Swae Lee gets the most airtime here, owning both the chorus and delivering a solid first verse, I honestly prefer Slim Jxmmi’s rougher, more intense verse. 

Meanwhile, Gucci Mane, playing the elder statesman, doesn’t get shown up by the brothers, and offers up some oddball lines that only Gucci could bring.

But honestly, what elevates “Black Beatles” to the next level isn’t so much the three rappers. They’re all great and each provides their own unique style, but the real star here is Mike Will Made It’s phenomenal production. While “HUMBLE.” is a minimalist thumper, “Black Beatles” is a swirl of ‘80s synths and chugging shoegaze guitar, sounds you normally don’t hear in hip-hop. It’s like Cocteau Twins with a trap beat, which somehow totally works. Swae Lee’s hook is even a bit reminiscent of Elizabeth Fraser’s haunted, echo-y vocal style. Yet, despite the gothic production, “Black Beatles” still manages to sound like like a blast. 

If “Rockstar” sounds like the groggy morning-after, “Black Beatles” is the bonkers party from the night before. And I prefer parties to hangovers.

#1: “Starboy” by The Weeknd feat. Daft Punk (#1 for one week)

Many of the songs on this list have featured some stellar producers: Metro Boomin, Mike Will Made It, and of course, Bruno Mars producing himself. Even “Look What You Made Me Do” has solid production (although Jack Antonoff produced WAY better songs this year). 

But — outside of perhaps Kanye West — nobody tops Daft Punk. And Daft Punk is quite selective with who they work with, so the fact that they’re willing to collaborate with The Weeknd proves everyone’s favorite Canadian R&B star (sorry...uh...PartyNextDoor) is officially applying to become a pop legend. Luckily, “Starboy” absolutely gets the Weeknd’s foot in that door.

The Weeknd somehow manages to not be overshadowed by his French robot producers, seeming both above-it-all and, yet, somehow deeply invested. He is truly confused about his new stardom, and how does he cope? Sports cars and cocaine, of course! 

Usually, these songs go one of two ways: Either it’s pure flossing or it’s pure regret. “Starboy” manages to combine the two somehow. The Weeknd is bragging about his expensive Rolls Royce, home furnishings and nose candy, but he sounds so empty and anguished while doing so. His life is luxurious, but it’s hollow. When he lets the listener know that “I’m a motherfucking star, boy,” it doesn’t sound like he’s bragging; it sounds like the threat of a possessed man. The whole thing gives off Phantom of the Opera vibes (I knew the video’s opening synths reminded me of something!).

This set-up is perfectly complimented by Daft Punk’s cold, almost creepy production. It’s very minimalist and sleek during the verses, then slowly ramps up during the choruses, with snapping snare hits and robotic voices taunting The Weeknd as he descends into the traps of fame. It’s almost like they’re a movie villain telling the hero, “You get all of these riches...at a price.”

What’s the price? Happiness. But man, a descent into bleak nihilism has never sounded this smooth.