#moving to seattle

[ahhscheisse]

I ache for Seattle. I call for Iceland. Home. I’ve never been home. And I fear I’ll never have them. I get fucked up thinking about how I may always be a rough fragment of grander existence that never finds home. I am a jagged rock on a footpath. Unfinished. Unpolished. And while the rocks in the nearby riverbeds, smoothed over by the years, may have mega annum on me, I still wish it to be the ocean waves that take me. Dragging me down to the ocean floor. My body feeding something in the depths. It’d be nice. Quiet. I wouldn’t know it - I’d be dead - but I’d have finally contributed to something great. Something I love. Eternal sleeping to whale songs - lovely. Finding home after death is still finding home.

Seattled, 2023 | for more on this, visit my patreon + other ways to support

[subpixie420]

Maybe my dreams are just more interesting than my reality. All the time...see it through my eyes

[re-pave]

I figured it out.

12:20am: I spent the past 2 hours walking across the upper west side of Manhattan.

Love. Connection. Nothing else matters. Literally nothing. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to connect. How do I connect more? How do I love more? Looser inhibitions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks, I haven’t actually lived life. Look at all these people at 12am trying to connect. Unsuspecting people who are robots at work (inhibited). I’ve been so afraid…my entire life. The entirety of my life. It’s so deeply engrained. I don’t know exactly why (tbd). How do I connect to my spirit? My soul? I haven’t felt anything in so long, and this is the first night it’s happened. I’m so afraid to touch people (esp men). Emotionally, physically. Have I ever felt comfortable touching someone? And not felt insecure? Truly comfortable. Truly. Initiating. How many people have I slept with? So much emptiness. Point taken. This is the start of a new life. No more being afraid. What makes me afraid? Inhibition. Being too much, not meaning what I say and regretting it. Fuck that. Connection over everything else. Even if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s not going to feel natural at first. How do I lower inhibitions? I know how. Look at all these people. What’re they doing at 12:20am? Connecting. How? Lower inhibitions. There’s a reason alcohol plays the role it does in society and is as common as it is (for better or worse. Accept why its used). And there’s a reason I’ve been hiding from it - fear. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s worth it.

Think about how many people I’ve met this past year. How many people I’ve “talked to”. Too many to remember. I’ve never been more alone. Zero connection. To my soul. To another soul. I haven’t felt anything in so long. Im clearly doing something wrong. So fuck it, full tilt the other way - what’s there to lose? Nothing. I need to overcome the fear of being weird. Anything could be interpreted as weird to someone who is inhibited. There’s no connection without “weirdness”. This is a fear that’s been baked into my psyche forever - it’s hard to overcome without help. Help with being uninhibited. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. Playing it safe doesn’t work. Too many inhibitions. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them and don’t want to say something that might be exaggerated? Fuck it. Say it. Even if is exaggerated and doesn’t feel authentic. Say what you’re embarrassed to say. Force the connection at first if you have to. Exercise the muscle. Everyone wants to connect. Let them. Some people might not be ready. Or even be into you. But they want to connect. They want to connect even if it doesn’t mean a relationship. Not every connection has to permanent or life-long. Find confidence in knowing people want to connect. Don’t get deterred from trying - please always try. Stay. When was the last time I didn’t want a night to end? Spending time with someone without inhibition is easier, easier to want to spend time with someone (for everyone). Let that be a gauge: try to create that environment by being uninhibited. Make them tell you to leave.

Everything about the other person becomes more interesting when you’re uninhibited. Boring stuff too. Aim for: “I want to know everything about you”. Nothing is off the table. Remember I can’t do anything wrong. I can’t say anything wrong. In the context of wanting to connect. Bare my soul. Invite them to bare theirs. Don’t overthink, focus on being uninhibited.

I need to feel more connected. Romantically but just as importantly with friends. And family.

I need to do things even if I “regret” what I do. Touch people. Physically. Emotionally. “What if they thought it was too much? Didn’t want it?” Fuck it. No more being embarrassed. So I never see them again. Trying matters. No more meeting and not trying to connect. Leave the interaction knowing that if I did nothing else than trying to connect then I succeeded. There could be a million reasons why something doesn’t work out romantically, I’m now going to try my hardest to not allow being inhibited be one of those reasons. There have been too many missed connections.

Too many people feeling empty. Lower inhibitions. Practice. Pretend youre uninhibited if you need to put your mind there. Remember “this is a what it was like to be uninhibited. To be out of my head” and pretend. Something is clearly wrong. It’s been a year. Hundred of matches. Why don’t I find anyone attractive? No connection. Connection above all else. Being unafraid. I can be shy and want to connect. I can be confident and want to connect. But I have to try to connect. Romantically, platonically, with my environment, with myself. Whatever means. Time to unlock a new dimension. Enough is enough. Too much time wasted.

What matters? Who are you? Growing up. When you were kid. “Who are you?” And meaning it (been a struggle), being curious. Saying something that might be embarrassing. Fuck it. “Here I am”. “What’s your tattoo say” “I’m embarrassed” fuck it. “This is what I struggled with”. It’s not cliche. These thoughts are part of who I am. Bare it. Looser inhibitions. Let’s connect to God. Together. People have souls. Everyone. Yes, really everyone. I’m not better than anyone else. Me not feeling connected is my fault too. Looser inhibitions unlocks this.

Flashbacks to Colin). He might be the last person I felt deeply about? He felt it too. Why? I know why. Looser inhibitions. Full circle back to tonight. Flashbacks to the guy from Princeton, drunk on the subway, “I’ve never felt so alive”. Flashbacks to wandering around midtown (2016? 21 years old?) two gay men come up to me, stumbling, “can you take our picture?” Lost inhibitions (do we seem weird? Who cares). Connected. I don’t think they were from nyc and it reminds me of how unique feeling uninhibited with someone is. How strongly that connects two people. I don’t remember seeing two people happier.

It’s been so long since I’ve been excited about life. I feel exciting about my life now. Excited about becoming myself again. Who I really am. I can’t wait to love more. More unabashedly. I want so much more out of life because I recognize how lucky I am to experience it. I want to go so much deeper. I feel my spirit awakening and I don’t want it to stop.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

[remy]

Lord I see what you have done for others. Get me out of this state !

Me and my boyfriend (butch) are finally leaving Texas for Washington in June, we have everything planned out but we desperately need funding to secure housing once we get up there, and money for the 3000 mile drive from here to there

Please reblog and share!

[suburbanbonfire]

Another year, here we go!

(prints here)

some wip shots since I know some people like seeing them!

meant to take more screenshots, but ended up super busy and forgot once I came back after a few months, whoops. Making the iceberg itself was super fun!

[w1shfullthink1ng]

so i have another request based on another song, the man who can’t be moved by the script. so maybe something of reader and nika breaking up for wtv reason and one of them is desperate to get them back??

THE WOMAN WHO CAN’T BE MOVED

nika mühl x fem!reader (dual pov)

DESCRIPTION/ Nikas busy schedule became all too much leading to a messy break up, despite everything her absence made your heart clench. Maybe it was for the best..or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

WARNINGS/ language, angust, happy ending!

this is shorter than I intended & not proof read…😔🙂

IT WAS LATE NIGHTS LIKE THIS…where you missed nika the most. The moonlight, the stars, the streetlights. It reminded you of when y’all first where in that friends with tension stage.

FLASHBACKS 2 YEARS AGO…

Laughter filled the cool night air as you and nika where on a late night walk. “You know I love the feeling of the night..I like watching cars pass which is why I love walking this street so much.” you smiled at her words “Yeah..it’s so crazy to think how everyone lives their own life’s you know? like everyone experienced today differently.” you continued to go own about your perspective, she admired you while you spoke. “Nika?” you giggled “a penny for your thoughts?” you nudged her, she shook her head laughing softly. “You’re just so beautiful..your brain is just as pretty as your face…..I love that about you”

END OF FLASHBACK. CURRENT DAY..

You where standing on that same side walk watching cars pass & counting stars. You have gone to this spot where you and nika used to walk every. single. day since the break up. You felt stupid at times for missing her so much like this especially since you where the one to break it off but walking this street has become apart of your routine you couldn’t break off.

This was one of the only things you still had left of her and you where holding onto it for dear life. A part of you knew deep down that you where waiting for her..if she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

you knew before hand getting in a relationship with her, that it wasn’t gonna be easy all the time especially around basketball season. Basketball is her whole life and her main focal point as well as a big reason she moved to the u.s in the first place, you just didn’t think it would consume her.

You where truly happy for her and when y’all where still in the honeymoon stage it was love. y’all truly love..loved?..each other. But it got to a point where she was never there. The practices, the games, the press conferences she gave so much of herself to the game, her team, the fucking reporters but by the time she came home to you her energy was gone and then she’d wake up give you a kiss and it was a constant cycle.

you run your hands through trying to remember that you did what you had to do. Y’all’s relationship was barley even enough to call it one when basketball season came around. It was always hot and cold with her and you couldn’t take it. But even now you know when she was there she made you feel like the only girl in the world even if it was just for those few minutes to hours you had her. But was it really worth all the late lonely nights, the fights, the constant second guessing?.

NIKAS POV

it’s officially been 2 months since the break up. I’ve tried to convince myself that what me and her had was over and that i’d been fine. But i just can’t shake the fact of believing that it’s really over between us. I mean how can I move on when i’m still in love her?. Basketball season is starting up again & i feel fucked i quite honestly haven’t been able to focus or play as well. This has effected me more than i admit. I mean we were together almost 2 fucking years now what? they’re gone just like that?

“Mühl.” I was brought out of my trance as my coach calls me out “get your head in the game, what’s gotten into you? you’re missing lay ups that practically fall right into your hands..i know this is just a scrimdge but you can’t play like this at our first game of the season. Our first game sets us up for the whole season. Now either fix your priorities or I just can’t put you on the court if you’re not ready..not when you can’t shoot the ball.”

I try to control myself but i was already on the brink of losing it. Stressed is an understatement for what i was feeling. I take a deep breath “I just need a minute.” before he could reply i was out. I let the cool air hit my face. I didn’t just need a minute i needed her.

It was like i couldn’t control myself i started walking towards that sidewalk we used to walk everyday. I haven’t walked here since..it’s like my heart was subconsciously leading me there. I had to get over this. over her. but i can’t. how could i?

then that’s when my heart physically started to hurt was i imaging this? no. she’s here. she’s real. and i see her. holy shit it’s just like seeing her for the first time.

YOUR POV

Seeing nika again after 2 months felt like time had froze. “nika?..” “hey..”she breaths out. Both of y’all didn’t really know what to feel. You clear your throat being unable to handle the awkward silence. “I-“ “I still love you. I’m sorry..” she blurted out before you finished your sentence.

“what?..” then like such a movie cliche it started to rain like it was on cue. “you heard me..i love you..i never stopped and i know i never was the best to you and i regret it everyday.” you felt pent of anger, pain, happiness & relief all hit you at the same time

“no nika stop-“ but she didn’t “I’m so sorry i didn’t savor you when i had you i lost my remarkable girl my baby my everything.” “this isn’t fair you can’t just-“ you where unable to fight back the tears from streaming down your cheeks, she cupped your face wiping your tears unable to keep back her own tears from escaping.

“I always thought you where the most beautiful person inside & out..anyone that meets you can’t not fall in love with you..even if it’s just a little, you’re like a shot of espresso you’re the creamer in my coffee making everything so sweet..and i know how cliche this all sounds but i love you damn it!”

you slammed your lips onto hers not caring that y’all where both soaking wet from the pouring rain. “I love you too you idiot” you breath out against her lips she smiles letting out a breathy laugh “theres my girl..”

after that moment with the rain and all you swear the stars & moon all smiled shinning a little brighter just for the two of you.

A/N

hi lovelies!! i missed you guys so so so much! but writers block got me y’all 😖 born to be writing silly little fics forced against my will to write argumentative essays (if it’s not an angry love confession i don’t wanna write it)

guess how many times i made a gracie reference in here MUHAHHAHA also this was shorter than i intended but this has been sitting in my drafts and I didn’t wanna keep holding out of y’all so here you guys are finally getting fed🙂‍↕️

THANK YOU ANON for this wonderful request it was mwah! chefs kiss as always. I absolutely adore this song it’s officially been added to my playlist & on repeat

thanks for reading, love you always

WISH SIGNING OFF🪽

[tickfleato]

the thing about living in california is 1) it turns out all your internet friends live there and 2) as SOON as you find out your internet friend lives in cali, they have already moved to seattle

[wardensantoineandevka]

I keep thinking and laughing about this person who was really mad that I said that the insistence on "destroy the Veil" is a desire for a specific power fantasy and they cheered a frankly tepid rebuttal to my post with "OP having 'New Yorker' in bio like that's an ethnic identity and not a city is killing me, Americans need to be sedated", which is just such an incredibly funny attempt at a dig.

First, it isn't at all abnormal for people who live in major cities, regions, or countries to list them in their bio using the demonym form, especially when they lived there all their life. I've seen all sorts of demonyms that aren't denoting ethnic identity, or national for that matter, but a place association. Second, and even funnier, the precise next thing in my bio is "Pinay", an ethnic identity.

Like, this is a legitimately funny thing to say and think you're actually accomplishing anything clever or making a deep point. I keep thinking about it because it's just so incredibly misguided and hilarious. Like, truly thought something was being said there.

also, especially because it has no relation to any discussion about, like, Solas, the collapse of the Veil, or even narrative construction across the series

[triviallytrue]

queering the walkable cities discourse by living in a city that sucks to walk in but also sucks to drive in

[ikealamps]

HELLO??????

[fortycds]

got stabbed repeatedly but with my blood & cash came a star, first of eight…. ft outfits i love but can never wear on account of blue collar uniform job & having nowhere to go outside of it

[kesoyotes]

kesoyotes hockey art? in this economy!? yeah who would've thought

[mathewboeser]

FATHER EBS NEW KRAKEN CAPTAIN EVERYONE REJOICE!

[anghraine]

My best friend and I moved in together with his closest friend from his MA program, and while I had met her before (the friend; my bff is a man), we hadn't spent much time together because I've never lived away from the West Coast (and only two years out of the PNW) and she's never lived outside of North Carolina and only briefly visited the PNW once, when she went to Portland last year.

It's been a delight to show her around the PNW and realize we need to explain things that are just sort of omnipresent in our lives. The bff and I were casually griping with each other about having to run an errand to Trader Joe's at an inconvenient hour, and were telling her, "it's okay, you can stay in the car and avoid the people if you want" and she was like "NO I MUST SEE IT, I'VE ONLY HEARD OF THEM" and nearly ascended to another plane when we showed her around the store.

The bff and I grew up in the same town in NW Washington (him for his first 18 years, me from 9 to 19) and he lived in Bellingham and Seattle for years before he went to NC for grad school (I went to the SF Bay Area for mine, a very different experience). Both of them are hardcore coffee aficionados, but he struggled with the different Coffee Ways of the South, so for the true PNW experience they want to tour various indie coffeeshops next.

Also, she adores Kaidan in Mass Effect and we were like, oh, is your passport up to date? We could take a trip sometime and show you your boyfriend's beloved English Bay. It's very beautiful :)

her: O_O

me: Actually, it's worth going to Vancouver BC for its own sake as well, it's truly spectacular. We used to go all the time as kids.

bff: And Victoria!

her: O_O

[captainjonnitkessler]

I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so off and generically sad all day today until I opened up Stardew Valley and realized I haven't seen the sun in three weeks and no green plants for longer than that. I HAVE to move somewhere sunnier I was simply not cut out to live in this much gloom

[miketownsends]

08.11.24 | SEA vs NYM | Cal Raleigh hits a 2-run blast to double the Mariners lead