#moving to seattle

[ahhscheisse]

I ache for Seattle. I call for Iceland. Home. I’ve never been home. And I fear I’ll never have them. I get fucked up thinking about how I may always be a rough fragment of grander existence that never finds home. I am a jagged rock on a footpath. Unfinished. Unpolished. And while the rocks in the nearby riverbeds, smoothed over by the years, may have mega annum on me, I still wish it to be the ocean waves that take me. Dragging me down to the ocean floor. My body feeding something in the depths. It’d be nice. Quiet. I wouldn’t know it - I’d be dead - but I’d have finally contributed to something great. Something I love. Eternal sleeping to whale songs - lovely. Finding home after death is still finding home.

Seattled, 2023 | for more on this, visit my patreon + other ways to support

[subpixie420]

Maybe my dreams are just more interesting than my reality. All the time...see it through my eyes

[re-pave]

I figured it out.

12:20am: I spent the past 2 hours walking across the upper west side of Manhattan.

Love. Connection. Nothing else matters. Literally nothing. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to connect. How do I connect more? How do I love more? Looser inhibitions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks, I haven’t actually lived life. Look at all these people at 12am trying to connect. Unsuspecting people who are robots at work (inhibited). I’ve been so afraid…my entire life. The entirety of my life. It’s so deeply engrained. I don’t know exactly why (tbd). How do I connect to my spirit? My soul? I haven’t felt anything in so long, and this is the first night it’s happened. I’m so afraid to touch people (esp men). Emotionally, physically. Have I ever felt comfortable touching someone? And not felt insecure? Truly comfortable. Truly. Initiating. How many people have I slept with? So much emptiness. Point taken. This is the start of a new life. No more being afraid. What makes me afraid? Inhibition. Being too much, not meaning what I say and regretting it. Fuck that. Connection over everything else. Even if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s not going to feel natural at first. How do I lower inhibitions? I know how. Look at all these people. What’re they doing at 12:20am? Connecting. How? Lower inhibitions. There’s a reason alcohol plays the role it does in society and is as common as it is (for better or worse. Accept why its used). And there’s a reason I’ve been hiding from it - fear. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s worth it.

Think about how many people I’ve met this past year. How many people I’ve “talked to”. Too many to remember. I’ve never been more alone. Zero connection. To my soul. To another soul. I haven’t felt anything in so long. Im clearly doing something wrong. So fuck it, full tilt the other way - what’s there to lose? Nothing. I need to overcome the fear of being weird. Anything could be interpreted as weird to someone who is inhibited. There’s no connection without “weirdness”. This is a fear that’s been baked into my psyche forever - it’s hard to overcome without help. Help with being uninhibited. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. Playing it safe doesn’t work. Too many inhibitions. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them and don’t want to say something that might be exaggerated? Fuck it. Say it. Even if is exaggerated and doesn’t feel authentic. Say what you’re embarrassed to say. Force the connection at first if you have to. Exercise the muscle. Everyone wants to connect. Let them. Some people might not be ready. Or even be into you. But they want to connect. They want to connect even if it doesn’t mean a relationship. Not every connection has to permanent or life-long. Find confidence in knowing people want to connect. Don’t get deterred from trying - please always try. Stay. When was the last time I didn’t want a night to end? Spending time with someone without inhibition is easier, easier to want to spend time with someone (for everyone). Let that be a gauge: try to create that environment by being uninhibited. Make them tell you to leave.

Everything about the other person becomes more interesting when you’re uninhibited. Boring stuff too. Aim for: “I want to know everything about you”. Nothing is off the table. Remember I can’t do anything wrong. I can’t say anything wrong. In the context of wanting to connect. Bare my soul. Invite them to bare theirs. Don’t overthink, focus on being uninhibited.

I need to feel more connected. Romantically but just as importantly with friends. And family.

I need to do things even if I “regret” what I do. Touch people. Physically. Emotionally. “What if they thought it was too much? Didn’t want it?” Fuck it. No more being embarrassed. So I never see them again. Trying matters. No more meeting and not trying to connect. Leave the interaction knowing that if I did nothing else than trying to connect then I succeeded. There could be a million reasons why something doesn’t work out romantically, I’m now going to try my hardest to not allow being inhibited be one of those reasons. There have been too many missed connections.

Too many people feeling empty. Lower inhibitions. Practice. Pretend youre uninhibited if you need to put your mind there. Remember “this is a what it was like to be uninhibited. To be out of my head” and pretend. Something is clearly wrong. It’s been a year. Hundred of matches. Why don’t I find anyone attractive? No connection. Connection above all else. Being unafraid. I can be shy and want to connect. I can be confident and want to connect. But I have to try to connect. Romantically, platonically, with my environment, with myself. Whatever means. Time to unlock a new dimension. Enough is enough. Too much time wasted.

What matters? Who are you? Growing up. When you were kid. “Who are you?” And meaning it (been a struggle), being curious. Saying something that might be embarrassing. Fuck it. “Here I am”. “What’s your tattoo say” “I’m embarrassed” fuck it. “This is what I struggled with”. It’s not cliche. These thoughts are part of who I am. Bare it. Looser inhibitions. Let’s connect to God. Together. People have souls. Everyone. Yes, really everyone. I’m not better than anyone else. Me not feeling connected is my fault too. Looser inhibitions unlocks this.

Flashbacks to Colin). He might be the last person I felt deeply about? He felt it too. Why? I know why. Looser inhibitions. Full circle back to tonight. Flashbacks to the guy from Princeton, drunk on the subway, “I’ve never felt so alive”. Flashbacks to wandering around midtown (2016? 21 years old?) two gay men come up to me, stumbling, “can you take our picture?” Lost inhibitions (do we seem weird? Who cares). Connected. I don’t think they were from nyc and it reminds me of how unique feeling uninhibited with someone is. How strongly that connects two people. I don’t remember seeing two people happier.

It’s been so long since I’ve been excited about life. I feel exciting about my life now. Excited about becoming myself again. Who I really am. I can’t wait to love more. More unabashedly. I want so much more out of life because I recognize how lucky I am to experience it. I want to go so much deeper. I feel my spirit awakening and I don’t want it to stop.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

[remy]

Lord I see what you have done for others. Get me out of this state !

Me and my boyfriend (butch) are finally leaving Texas for Washington in June, we have everything planned out but we desperately need funding to secure housing once we get up there, and money for the 3000 mile drive from here to there

Please reblog and share!

[suburbanbonfire]

Another year, here we go!

(prints here)

some wip shots since I know some people like seeing them!

meant to take more screenshots, but ended up super busy and forgot once I came back after a few months, whoops. Making the iceberg itself was super fun!

[celbrini]

[MONTY] post stars game 13.10.2024

[tickfleato]

the thing about living in california is 1) it turns out all your internet friends live there and 2) as SOON as you find out your internet friend lives in cali, they have already moved to seattle

[triviallytrue]

queering the walkable cities discourse by living in a city that sucks to walk in but also sucks to drive in

[halfthebrain]

Harvey missed Mike like the man was the other half of his heart and brain. He couldn’t go on without Mike. That kid changed him profoundly.

[ikealamps]

HELLO??????

[butch4maryoliver]

got stabbed repeatedly but with my blood & cash came a star, first of eight…. ft outfits i love but can never wear on account of blue collar uniform job & having nowhere to go outside of it

[barbiesplasticsurgeons]

my bank:

auto-renew from USPS and DMV that have been reoccurring charges for 4 years: rejected for using previous billing address

$500 charge from sus company name that cannot be found on google using an address for billing I've never lived at: 🤔 hmm, let it through

[mathewboeser]

FATHER EBS NEW KRAKEN CAPTAIN EVERYONE REJOICE!

[anghraine]

My best friend and I moved in together with his closest friend from his MA program, and while I had met her before (the friend; my bff is a man), we hadn't spent much time together because I've never lived away from the West Coast (and only two years out of the PNW) and she's never lived outside of North Carolina and only briefly visited the PNW once, when she went to Portland last year.

It's been a delight to show her around the PNW and realize we need to explain things that are just sort of omnipresent in our lives. The bff and I were casually griping with each other about having to run an errand to Trader Joe's at an inconvenient hour, and were telling her, "it's okay, you can stay in the car and avoid the people if you want" and she was like "NO I MUST SEE IT, I'VE ONLY HEARD OF THEM" and nearly ascended to another plane when we showed her around the store.

The bff and I grew up in the same town in NW Washington (him for his first 18 years, me from 9 to 19) and he lived in Bellingham and Seattle for years before he went to NC for grad school (I went to the SF Bay Area for mine, a very different experience). Both of them are hardcore coffee aficionados, but he struggled with the different Coffee Ways of the South, so for the true PNW experience they want to tour various indie coffeeshops next.

Also, she adores Kaidan in Mass Effect and we were like, oh, is your passport up to date? We could take a trip sometime and show you your boyfriend's beloved English Bay. It's very beautiful :)

her: O_O

me: Actually, it's worth going to Vancouver BC for its own sake as well, it's truly spectacular. We used to go all the time as kids.

bff: And Victoria!

her: O_O

[captainjonnitkessler]

I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so off and generically sad all day today until I opened up Stardew Valley and realized I haven't seen the sun in three weeks and no green plants for longer than that. I HAVE to move somewhere sunnier I was simply not cut out to live in this much gloom

[lovethytendytenderly]

Bang The Doldrums by Fall Out Boy // an edit a day til penguins hockey, a countdown (day 23)

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