#motivation for 2021

[tringstarruuu]

✦🌹 Wild Rose 🌹✦ ============ PRINTS

[sarafroot]

2021 versus 2024 … 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

[turbo-tsundere]

Content warning for gore, blood, burns & body horror.

A king with no crown and a holy fool.

(The element of venom/poison, stabbing/puncture wounds and destruction of a whole body is present in both of their deaths. Kokichi's pristine white clothes also end up being shoved down the toilet, and the poison made it difficult for him to breathe, so there's plausible callback to Miu also. Karma at its finest?)

If I could be the devil, you could be the sinner.

(Don't mind them, they're just spilling their guts)

(...)

(Concepts for scenes from a Gonta-centric survival horror game I'll never make. But it was fun to daydream about - maybe one day I'll finish other sketches and doodles relating to it into a more presentable state. The Cat Lady OST was playing on constant repeat while I drew this - Lily of the Valley, Don't Follow the Light, String, Plainwalker, Early Winter, Storytelling, Susan's Blue Sheep (alone again) - those in particular are now stuck in my brain when I look at those drawings, and what I imagine the "game's" mood to be like, at least the opening segment.)

(I felt both heartbroken and like a monster when drawing this one... But I wanted to draw something that doesn't conveniently erase nor tuck his mangled, swollen face away from view. Sure... in game it looks goofy. But I think mockingly disfiguring him was the point in all of this, too. And given the venom, the Schmidt pain index, how it rates some wasp species, the fact that those robot wasps could be packed with anything necessary really... it had to be awful. Really, every stage of Gonta's execution was excruciating and enough to kill a person on its own, but due to his strength he likely suffered through them all. I remember begging in my head he was at least spared the flame, that he was already gone by this point... But it's foolish to pretend it definitely was the case.)

I wanted to post something new, but I was either busy, ill, or focused on something else, so another sketchdump with oldies and wips it is. This time strictly 2020-21 stuff, drawn during the first few months after finishing the game; mostly to process the post-game/Ch4 sorrows. All very emotionally raw, very edgy stuff that I felt, to be honest, too shy to show before.

Like with any wip I posted before, I do hope to finish some of them properly one day, even though I don't know when. But that's fine, I've signed up for a very long ride with the bug man. Taking it easy is the priority.

Speaking of long-term projects, maybe there's no need to, but I do want to talk about my Gonta fancomic, so here goes.

It's a bit long, so I will continue under the cut.

(Some panel teasers first! ...Gonta sanity fine.)

I took a few months long break from personal drawings - an *actual* break, not just sitting in front of a screen, tired, stewing in guilt that I'm tired, and that I can't magically muscle through burnout, or headache, or exhaustion.

My brain was stuck in a loop of berating myself for underperforming, not doing well enough, for taking so long on "mere" 27 pages, when in the past I could finish a 90-page webcomic chapter much faster. I wouldn't let myself rest, because I didn't do enough; but I couldn't do enough, because I didn't allow myself to rest. And it's been going on for months and months.

What a stupid, unconstructive thing to do to myself. I was only spiralling down, intimidating and overwhelming myself with work on the one thing I specifically wanted to keep doing out of joy, not ambition and pedantism. So I decided to just say "fuck it" and stop for a while. Like, actually stop, do something else and try to feel unapologetic about it.

So I briefly took up sewing, a creative activity I had no personal stake in, and then I started PVP-ing in DS3 (sorry if I happened to kick your butt in there. Rest assured my butt gets kicked just as much), which did wonders, too, as non-artistic pastime.

And, in the end, it seems it worked.

I finally feel this internal drive to draw again. Sadly, I can't spend all of my free time on the doujin (I might need to open commissions soon), so my pacing will still be glacial... But there was an internal change from "I have to, I have to, I must..." back to "I want to". And this is all that matters.

Still, that makes me think... while technically I don't have deadlines, the comic has taken so much longer than I thought it would - and it will take a while still. Thus, I wonder if I shouldn't change my approach re publishing it.

The initial idea was to post it all at once when it's fully finished, but I debate releasing it one page at a time instead, while it's still work in progress.

Thing is, I don't think it would be good for overall pacing. I don't want to sacrifice it, plus I can't guarantee regular uploads, esp since I don't exactly work on the pages in chronological order (While the first page is done, it was drawn after I finished a few in the middle & at the end; and there are still a few important pages/panels in first half I'm a bit too afraid of touching just yet, wanting to do them justice. This is how I work in general, jumping around rather than sticking to overly strict linear order.)

The compromise would be to post like 3-5 pages per post, making it so each upload covers a specific scene, however, same issue arises - I can't promise regular uploads. In the end it feels like a half-measure. But maybe it's a good idea, despite that impression?

There's a secret option, too - if this takes absurdly long, my plan was to just post the storyboard, after replacing some panels/pages with already finished drawings. The thing is readable as is, and long finished on that front anyway. My personal deadline for that was "right before my current lease ends", but, well… I plan on extending it anyway, and again... it's just a back-up option for when everything else fails. In the end, I just want to finish the comic, and present it how it's meant to be presented, however long it will take.

All those things considered, I'll stick to the original plan for now... and then we shall see. I simply wanted to share where things stand currently, and where they might go.

And that's it! If you've read this far, thank you. See you in the undetermined future.

[arielluva]

if only things had been different for you

id under cut

[ID] a digital painting of dahlia hawthorne and iris from ace attorney. their backs are facing each other, with dahlia on the far left of the picture, and iris on the far right. their hair is blowing towards each other, and connecting in the middle. dahlia is looking over her shoulder, with a neutral, but cold, expression. a single tear is falling from her eye, and her loose hair is blowing into her face. her right eye is not visible. white glowing butterflies are flying around her, and she has a noose around her neck. iris is facing sister bikini, who is off screen. iris is also crying, but bikini is wiping away her tears. iris's loose hair is blowing behind her, and out of her face. above dahlia and iris are two drawings of dusky bridge. above dahlia, the bridge shows the silhouettes of valerie hawthorne pointing a gun at terry fawles, who was holding a young dahlia hostage. no details can be seen on the figures. above iris, dusky bridge is on fire. underneath dahlia, there are red dahlias that are dripping blood, and under iris there are some irises. in the center of the picture, dahlia and iris as children are standing side by side. their hair is black and medium length. they have bangs and both twins have a braid going down the side of their head, dahlia's on the right side of her head, and iris' on the left. they are both wearing white dresses, white knee-high socks, and black mary jane shoes. both of their dresses are dirty, with dahlia's being slightly dirtier. [end ID]

[castielsupernatural]

the one thatisahotsoup art i’ve thought about for years and have never been able to find again is the one where cas is reading something with reading glasses and he has the little chain thing that goes around the back of your neck and the next panel is dean being like jesus cas we aren’t geriatric or something like that and like trying to take them off him

[repsolhonda]

2021 marc márquez you are so important to me!!!

[stydixa]

the question is: does he know you love him too? // insp.

[cirqyt]

2020 / 10 / 31

missed the holiday 4 years in a row

[fourleafclovxr]

i think for me right now, the appeal of dovesso lies in its understated nature: the acknowledgement that there's something there, the security of the knowledge of it. i think they're a pair who will always be equals, something that doesn't need to be stated to be known. (because isn't that the point of it all? to be equal? to know implicitly that the other is your equal?)

i'm not as much into the grand declarations of love as i was before. i think to a certain extent, my vision of lesso's characterisation stops me from enjoying them so much. (no hate but i keep thinking: would lesso say that?? would she really?? this applies to my old fic as well. would she really say that, come on.)

dovesso, to me, is the small gestures and the small kindnesses that no one talks about. the phrase in chinese i'm thinking of is 潜移默化: the slow and subtle influence someone exerts on you, the change they bring without you noticing. i think there's something romantic in that. to change the other by loving them. to not demand anything else of that love.

[mybrainproblems]

can you expand on what you mean about 12x22 and berens? i’ve never really looked at the writer patterns before but i’m intrigued

so jensen did a solo panel at JIB 8 in 2017 and an earlier question prompted him to recount his experience having difficulty connecting with the mary & dean relationship in s12 and the character motivation behind it. (and i think he's correct in saying that fans picked up on him not gelling with it which actually works in some episodes but feels off in others.)

anyway! berens was on-set when they were filming 12x22 "who we are" and jensen told him "oh god i get it now!" with the "i hate you, i forgive you" speech (that dean's character arc was him needing to forgive mary) and berens had no idea what he was talking about.

hopefully this embedded correctly to start at the right time code, but if not, he starts talking about it at 19:45

which yes, there's the possibility that berens was just yanking jensen's chain* about not realizing the "i hate you, i forgive you" was the thesis of mary & dean's relationship arc in s12. but also i really am inclined to believe he didn't realize he'd tied up the whole arc bc berens has been such a chronic dean misunderstander over the years. like folks will talk about dean as the "angry man" in late seasons and... that's mostly berens, baby!**

and i know you didn't ask but this is why the confession falls so flat for me. it rings hollow bc this is the writer who has done more than anyone else in the last few seasons to make dean an un-likeable prick. i do like the confession as a radical act of self-love (that "having" doesn't matter and "being" is more important) but as cas confessing his love to dean? yeah, i just can't buy it given the other stuff berens wrote over the years and the narrative framing is just off. much like the finale, it's tragedy wearing an ill-fitting ballgown and looking in a fun house mirror.

so, in summary (x)

* this is a bit unkind, but jensen is such a consummate pro that i would not be surprised if the "maybe he was yanking my chain" was a way to save face for berens since jensen has disagreed with him on his episodes before.

** i did not jive with 14x20 "moriah" until i re-watched it without the baggage of 14x18 before it (14x19 isn't great but does set up the "logic" of dean's actions in 14x20; never 5get that cas wanted to put jack in the cage... how is that different from a ma'lak box?). i think berens was just not a good fit for spn and especially not the direction they were going in during dabb era. i'm not a big fan of him in carver era either but he fit the vibes and direction way better.

[funky-goblin-times]

I LITERALLY WENT TO SEE LUCA IN THEATERS BACK IN MAY OF THIS YEAR AND I ONLY NOW LEARN THAT THE LITERAL STORY LEAD FOR THE MOVIE AND DIRECTOR OF CIAO ALBERTO CANONICALLY MADE THE FISH GAY?????? NO ONE TOLD ME MY BOYS WERE CANON

THEY REALLY DID JUST MAKE THE WHOLE STORY AN ALLEGORY FOR GAY KIDS WHO FEEL UNLOVED AND UNWANTED, ONE SIDE BEING ABANDONED, THE OTHER SIDE HAVING THEIR FAMILY LEARN AND GROW, AND HAVE THE TWO BOYS FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN ALSO ADRESS THE ABONDONMENT/DADDY ISSUES??? AND THEY STILL HAD TO SPELL IT OUT FOR US THAT "THESE BITCHES GAY" IS CANON BECAUSE WE COULDN'T SEE PAST THE PIXAR/DISNEY-SHAPED ROADBLOCK IN OUR GAY LITTLE PATH-

Not to talk abt Luca like 6 months too late but DAMMIT IM SO HYPED WE WON

[vilevampire]

the viewtiful joe anime is not lost media anymore. btw

quick context if you have no idea what I'm talking about. viewtiful joe was an anime that aired in 2004-2005. it was not particularly high quality or anything but regardless I have been pathologically obsessed with this stupid anime for like. 3 years atp I think ?? I started a whole project dedicated to it and I did (and still plan on doing) lots of things related to viewtiful joe but the important part is that a while ago someone joined my project's discord server saying he had the WHOLE ANIME IN JAPANESE !!!!

this was HUGE because so far I had never been able to find the whole series in its original japanese dub, only in some other dubs. I searched far and wide on the internet but to no avail. my biggest success was actually in stumbling upon the episodes ripped from brazilian DVD which just happened to come with the japanese audio track as an option, but that still was only some episodes. it wasn't even enough to complete season 1 (this anime has 2 seasons and 51 episodes total) let alone the whole series.

but that's in the PAST because now the whole thing is available FR FR. it took me a while to check the links this person sent me thru discord because my head's been so full of other stuff lately but I finally downloaded them yesterday and honestly. got UNBELIEVABLY emotional bc oh my god I love this anime AND I THOUGHT the day I would be able to see it in its entirely IN JAPANESE would never come... link here btw (some episodes haven't finished uploading completely yet so they appear frozen on archive.org's video player but that's temporary)

they have no subs because ofc nobody cares about this series enough to sub it but at least now if anyone became interested in subbing this anime they'd be able to do so without a hitch :)

[flippphones]

If I don’t look like this again by the end of the year I’m killing myself

[unordinary-diary]

did a little doodle of Farrah

[martyrbat]

sorry but im still just thinking about how batman 105 (aka the comic where bruce gets his tits out and asks khoa to stay) begins with them having a sloppy breakup in the rain and khoa offering bruce to travel and save the world together, they'll live lavishly and gather resources. and then MAYBE they can tackle gotham together. hes trying to convince bruce to stay and that hes going to get himself killed because of his stupid bleeding heart and how he blames himself for every loss. that together they can conquer so much more. and bruce responds by calling him broken and telling him he's angry that bruce is always going to care about the people he saves. he's still determined to go, still choosing gotham over his best (and only) friend.

but he tells him this as theyre in the rain and khoa is still trying to convince bruce to change his mind despite the plane being there and knowing that bruce wont. bruce is one of the only people thats seen his face and knows his name, the only person that truly knows him—yet all those years they spent together still isn't as important as that vow bruce took as a mourning 8 year old boy. so he demands for bruce to never say his name again—he doesn't get that right or the one to see his face ever again. and bruce still doesnt change his mind, leaving khoa behind without so much as a glance behind him.

while batman annual 2021 is khoa bragging about his greatest feat—taking down madame midas, the woman who laughed as his mother was killed and as her father strong-armed his father's independent business. he doesn't tell bruce this but it still ends with bruce pointing out there has to be a reason he cared and spent so long on it. khoa denies it, of course, repeating back what he tells himself constantly. he doesnt care about anything (and, by extension, about anyone). but the comic literally just showed us, the reader, between those two pages that this isnt true! he had a personal motive, he recired back the words she told him all those years again! but after khoa says he doesnt care about anything is the first time on panel that bruce calls him khoa again (as far as i remember :p)

but then khoa is suddenly changing the topic!! not allowing bruce to continue, not even acknowledging the name or all the years it nust have been between the last time someone called him that—the last time BRUCE called him that. and its only after the accusation of khoa caring like how he does—of khoa not being ‘broken’ like how he said the last time he attempted to use that name!! AND that this is their last chronical interaction (on panel) before khoa is the one leaving bruce behind to train bao...

im sure bruce used it off panel before this (and it was probably during sloppy old man sex) but this being it on paper has been making me go >:3c!!!!

[llitchilitchi]

a dsmp fake visual novel it's such a amazing concept

i had soooo many ideas for this - different plotpoints as separate novels, each of them with a title screen that changes over time depending on how far you get into the story

L'Manberg changing from a small wooded area with several houses into the expansive country that was Manberg, until it eventually turns to New L'Manberg - all the shots from the same perspective, just of different periods of time

the disc wars, or Dream's story, being presented through the changes in the Community House - first an empty lake when you first boot up the game, then the Community House of the early chapters with Dream sitting on the roof, until he suddenly isn't there anymore, and then the Community House falls apart and has water streaming down the broken bricks, and then, eventually, a new one takes its place, but it's empty and artifician

the Egg Arc told through images of the server as the blood vines slowly crawl closer and closer, enveloping the paths and houses