#motivating myself to drive out to the gym is so hard

[atleast15lemons]

My hangboarding has gotten super weak. I used to be able to regularly do pull ups on a 20mm and have done them on a 10mm edge. Now I can't even hang off the 20mm one :(

[helixobesity]

I gained a big amount of weight because of feedism but now i’m losing it again. i’m about 40lbs down and realised i have so much loose skin on my body. it’s so hard to stay motivated when i’m not sure i like the loose skin anymore than my big heavy belly…

I’ve been trying to stay healthy and stay way from tumblr but i always find myself back here. I know i don’t want to be a piggy but i feel like it’s just too late to back out now….

Why else would you come back to make the ask piggy~

I know feedism is a lot to commit to, for anyone

Unlike a lot of kinks, it can’t be turned off

It’s more than a fetish, it’s a lifestyle

A way to praise yourself and your fattening body

To eat in luxury

Or as unhealthy as you possibly can

All that loose skin driving you wild, when gaining weight leads to a path of praise and admiration

Gaining weight fills your frame, it keeps you heavy, full and content

A feeling that would take years upon years to build up to if you lost weight instead

But feedism

It means letting go

It means freedom

It means being yourself as you want to be without judgement

Without being looked down on for being largest than those around you

Gaining weight will always exist as an escape for you

It’s an inevitability

No matter how many hours you could hide away at a gym

Or eating as low calorie foods for each meal

Is that really what you want?

Or is that what others want you to do

To make you more like them

At the end of the day, choice is yours

You can keep going, exercising, counting calories

Or

You can be free

And let yourself gain weight

Be a gluttonous piggy as you were meant to 💞

Thank you for the ask~

🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀

[rainymorninperson]

Did you know a German shepherd bit me in the butt last July and now i have permanent bite marks there?

I'm feeling a bit low because I'm slow and not easy to adapt to others. Things i am comfortable and happy to do: hiking, swimming, stairstepper especially, walking, writing(once my mental illness was so bad i could hardly type or speak correctly), sweeping floors, scrubbing floors clean, doing dishes, taking out trash and or recycling, showering and dressing myself, staying motivated every morning to go to gym, cuddles, romance, love, walking dogs, petting cats, scratching my significant others back. I do not drive. I do not want to learn to bake sweets. I can cook pasta and vegetables. I microwave meat food for my significant other even though I'm against it.

There are others like me, who are slow to adapt, such as my immediate family members and some folk at the independence center.

This is photo of me and my boyfriends roommates lentil soup hes sharing with me. I usually have two bowls but today i just had one. An accomplishment!

I'm feeling down because my boyfriend questioned our relationship. He says I don't do anything useful for him. I try to help. I try to love. This is private between us but I feel compelled to speak up.

I wish I had a bible to read the psalms and be humble, experience humility instead of deep anger and defensiveness. But have u heard of the 700 club? My boyfriend thinks religion is bogus. I don't know what to think. I wish someone would tell me what to do that I can trust and rely on. There's only myself. I am trying hard. Everyone has desires and needs. My boyfriend meets my needs in important ways. And I do truly love him.

Sex is so egoic when it shouldn't be. It's innately within us to be orgasmic blossoming free creatures. I don't know what to do.

Just forge through.

I don't know if going to the independence center is right but it feels right. I'm scared.

Haven't been bulimic for awhile. I had a small relapse a few weeks ago.

I think I'm like 137 lbs. I'll go check.

[whentherewerebicycles]

processing some weight gain stuff under the cut

okay. in 18 weeks of pregnancy I have gained 15 pounds, which according to the guidelines I was given is a LOT more than I’m supposed to have gained at this stage. based on my starting weight I am only supposed to gain 15-25 lbs total across the entire pregnancy, which idk people seem to be mixed on whether that’s actually realistic but that is what the doctor says. in the last two weeks I went up 4 lbs, and that was with a terrible cold that totally killed my appetite and made it very easy to not indulge in holiday food (I couldn’t taste anything). I am exercising a little less (30-45 min daily walks instead of 45-75) but not like, SO much less yknow? and I have also been tracking my caloric intake on an app to make sure I’m not going over (although I think my real motivation there is if a doctor gives me a hard time about weight gain I’m going to be like yeah well here’s 15+ weeks of data on my eating habits so you tell ME what’s going on).

the point is that based on a calories in calories out model I shouldn’t be gaining this much weight this fast but I am. that’s just what seems to be happening! so I think I just have to LET GO and accept that my body is going to do whatever it thinks is best to support the pregnancy. I can still make good choices but I need to decouple the choices from the outcomes. or like, I need to accept that my good choices will produce good outcomes (I’ll be eating nourishing food and moving my body regularly!) but those outcomes will probably not include weight loss or a slowing of weight gain. here is what I will continue doing:

meal plan every week—I might want to start thinking about meal planning snacks too esp as I am feeling hungrier during the day

eat lots of fruits and vegetables every day

eat very limited amounts of processed foods and watch out for added sugars

walk briskly for 30-45 min a day

go to this hourlong weights class at least 2x a week (ideally 3x) and tack on 20-25 min of cardio on the bike after

I could also try going to the gym more often to do low-impact cardio—like trying to work in a couple days a week where I do 45 min on the elliptical while watching an episode of TV. I do find that in the past doing a lot of that mindless low effort activity seems to help with weight maintenance and is pretty easy to sustain because I’m just like, as long as I’m moving it counts! I don’t have to be pushing myself super hard! this is probably most doable for me on the weekends (and if I’m at the gym already it increases the chances that I might decide to run too).

ok so here’s a rough plan:

sat & sun: walk dogs (30-45 min x 2) + try to do 30 min x 2 of extra cardio while watching TV at the gym (or when liz is feeling better I can see if she wants to go together or do pregnancy workout videos)

mon & tues: weights class one of those days depending on work schedule + 20 min extra cardio one day + 30-45 min walk both days

wed: 30-45 min walk

thurs: this is my busy/long day with work stuff and rehearsal, but I can usually squeeze in a 20 min dog walk and could try parking far away and walking into work on days when it isn’t raining to get another 20+ min in

fri: weights class + 30-45 min walk

and I gotta remember I can make the walks less boring by 1) driving to a random neighborhood and walking from there and 2) talking to friends on the phone instead of just listening to stuff.

OKAY. the takeaway is: I DO NOT NEED TO FEEL GUILT OR SHAME ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM PUTTING ON A LOT OF WEIGHT. I AM FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT! THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT MY BODY IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! I ALSO REFUSE TO LET DOCTORS OR THE INTERNET MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT MY WEIGHT, BECAUSE I KNOW I AM MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES THAT ARE GOOD FOR MY BODY, MY BABY, AND MY MENTAL HEALTH. I ALSO WANT TO GENTLY DECOUPLE GOOD/HEALTHY CHOICES FROM SPECIFIC OUTCOMES. EATING WELL AND STAYING ACTIVE THROUGH MY PREGNANCY MAY NOT KEEP ME FROM GAINING “EXCESS” WEIGHT. BUT IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IN MY BODY/SELF. IT WILL ENSURE THAT MY BABY IS GETTING LOTS OF GOOD NUTRIENTS. IT WILL HELP ME SLEEP BETTER AND FOCUS MORE AT WORK. IT WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE LABOR AND RECOVERY A LITTLE BIT EASIER TOO! I AM DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND IT IS OKAY THAT MY BODY IS NOT CONFORMING TO THE PRESCRIBED NORM. I TRUST MY BODY AND ASSUME IT HAS ITS REASONS!!!!!!!!!!!

[curiositydooropened]

Cheers to lovely happy moods and writing motivation! 🍻

Now, for some Steve headcannons:

When he can’t sleep, when it’s a great day outside, or when he’s bored, he loves driving around back roads and listening to music (he also loves doing this with friends and just decompressing)

He may be portrayed as a dud in the last two seasons, but once he finds his person/someone more flustered than him, that “King Steve��� comfidence/charm comes out

He’s always taking care of those around him, so I just know he loves to be a sub; however, when he’s had a really tough day, he will absolutely manhandle you

Will act all macho when first getting to know you, but will 10000% make you kill the spiders later on

Doesn’t like being alone, so even if he’s not in the same room as you, he finds comfort in knowing you’re in the house if he needs you

Aaaaand Eddie:

Absolute toilet humor; will dutch oven you and maniacally laugh

Gets excited about you wanting to learn guitar but is absolutely anal about how you handle his “sweetheart”

Loves reading fantasy/horror to you or reading the same book and chatting about it

Absolute dom energy once he gets past his awkward phase

May put on a cocky façade, but he gets insecure about what people say about him and you constantly reassure him that he’s perfect as is

As for what I’m proud of… hmm. I would say the fact that I started Pilates almost 2 months ago and I’ve stuck with it! I had my daughter almost two years ago and have been suffering with back pain after my c-section and my body whole body feels SO much better and less stiff. Working out in a gym would cause me to literally cry from pain, and this has caused me to cry because I can work out with no pain at all!

Now tell me what hcs you have and what you’re proud of!

Yes, yes, YES, ABSOLUTELY to all of this. I concur a thousand percent to it all, and I'm obsessed. Well, except with Steve making me kill the spiders (don't get me wrong, it's accurate) because I'm also terrified. So it might just be a watch the house burn down kind of situation. 😂

And ahhhhhhhh! I'm so so so proud of you for sticking with it and taking care of yourself and your body's needs and for making yourself feel good!!!!! That's so amazing, and I'm so happy for you!!!

OMG My headcanons okay so...

Steve

is for sure a worshipper, like you said, he takes good care. I'm talking calf massages, I'm talking having stir fry made when you get home, I'm talking bubble bath made to the perfect temperature

loves camping because he didn't get to do it as a kid. Not really. He camped in cabins or at luxury chalets but never in a sleeping bag in a tent on the cold hard ground, and he lives for it

although the nighttime sounds of the woods aren't ideal, and the first night out, he promptly packs up the sleeping bag and hauls you back to the backseat of his car because steel is safer than canvas

is a flirt. Like makes everyone blush, even Robin sometimes, despite her eye roll, cuz the shit he says is smooth

Eddie

is a menace. Absolute chaos demon. Keep lighters away from him because he will burn a rogue napkin and not care enough to stamp it out properly

spent a holiday season as one of those donation takers for the Salvation Army, out in front of Bradley's. (a favor for Wayne) But it only lasted a few hours before he was fired for chasing people down for their cash

gets freaky, I've got to be honest. This boy loves a costume. Wearing one, seeing you in one, doing voices, it's all on the table.

And I'm proud of myself because I stayed up really late last night reformating my resume and writing a cover letter to a dream job. And then I applied. And fingers crossed I get even an interview, but if I don't, I'm really proud of myself for putting the work in and getting my name out there. In the past, I would have been too insecure to even try. But now I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and if I don't get an interview, they really don't know what kind of gem they're missing. 💎🥰

Thanks so much for this, love!!!!! xo xo

[anon420journal]

12/30/24

Ok LOL i definitely haven’t journaled consistently at all but it’s ok. I lowkey wish I had prompts for each day so maybe I should identify what personal stuff I want to track daily? I’m going to try to reflect on the week now. I remember feeling like shit and being cranky ash the 25th and then decided to start taking adderall again so I feel like im rotting less and it definitely helped because I started my hobbies (painting) agsin. I’m lowkey a shit painter but it’s relaxing to do the painting strokes while I watch smth bc it feels like at least im creating something; I do want to get better at painting. I also want to get better at identifying and expressing my emotions. It has reignited my Stucky obsession though which is really cooked because I found one of my all time favorite series again and read like literally 300k words over like 8 hours over night and it fucked up my already fucked up sleep schedule. I love fanfic but I literally consume it so much constantly it just fills some kind of emotional gratification instantly (or it’s my go to emotional validation thing idk) like idk maybe I should look into that but idgaf. I’ve been rot maxing this winterbreak a lot and it reminds me of the behavior/self(even?) from a year ago.

This should definitely scare me because it’s honestly been a recurring TM issue like my passiveness or my lack of ambition core or like idk lacking executive function core. It’s lowkey a lot to explain at least from my perspective as the writer idk. But I’ll try because maybe it will help unpack it (though im certain I have done this before). But to keep it brief because it feels like so much work to explain but it’s my procrastination. I have been using a physical planner for all the schoolwork/job stuff I need to get done but it fails with my personal goals. For example I’ve been meaning to get into exercising for like months now and I know a lot of ppl have troubles w that but it’s trusting for me especially because im aware of just how much it would help my physical health and as a result my mental health. I feel like I’m exhausted all the time and it’s deffo bc of my eating and my mental health but even thinking abt walking around campus fills me w dread. Right now im lucky because I stay with my parents and commute and it’s more sedentary. My life has been a lot easier living with my parents but I hate it at the same time because I want to be able to function more independently and I want to get the fuck out of my midwest ass state and meet more people who are like me and not just white neurotypical losers and not to be a hater but lowkey the loser yt NDs here. Sorry loser yt NDs. I wanna meet more cool fashionable poc who are also nerds and have their little homebody hobbies but also are ambitious career-wise. And I think being more active would help me with the drive/motivation I want to have to live the way I want to when I move out. I think 2 major roadblocks for my exercising have been not getting the right equipment and this is some real shit not bs yoga mat or like home gym equipment shit I mean like I literally don’t have tennis shoes and comfy moveable but body safe gym clothes. And also going to the gym alone. My college has a gym but im scared of the equipment and all the exercises you can do. But lowkey none of my friends have the time or want to go to the gym. I’ve already gone through these realizations for working out already so I decided maybe stretching in the morning would be better but if I have to be honest I need to give myself like an hour and a half for my morning routine for my optimal health idk and I’ve always struggled with waking up. In fact waking up has always been really fucking hard for me and im sure it’s related to all my nighttime media consuming but whatever. Also I noticed that my planner hasn’t always been the most useful for true deep learning that I need to get done as a college student but that’s kinda beside the point bc usually if I lock in w my adderall for my lectures im pretty well off. Ok im tired of journaling this shit took like an hr to write. I have vented in my notes app before when im actually literally tweaking and I can’t just text my friends abt it and it’s been useful but idk abt this daily shit. Oh I need to leave off w this realization because I feel like it’s significant and new to me: most of the problems people will have with you will stem from you not taking care of yourself. Realized this while reading my stucky fanfic ngl.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Spent all day on reels, no longer know how to write a poem

Depressed as always. I think I'm over the cellist girl. I think that when I like her I'm just lying to myself. We are just such different people it couldn't ever possibly work, yet still I try. I think I just desire love. I think she won't make me happy. I want someone who I can discuss deep things with. I could've had a man who was like that once, well read, had a lot of funny and insightful things to say. I don't even know anybody who reads books right now. Maybe my childhood friend could be someone like that. Maybe I just need to calm down.

Started Wasteland finally. Its interesting. I finished the Nadine Gordimer I was reading. Should give my short story one good look, probably tonight; should also get back to work on The Modern Element. Maybe tonight just isn't a good night to write poetry, I don't know. I'm thinking of going back on writing like Wright. I'm not Franz Wright. But still needing that sparseness. I don't know how to get that blend. Just spent awhile looking for this Bill Evans quote on Davis, but I found it and saved it:

"I remember one night Miles was playing the blues and he sounded like he was a little distant or something and it played all the way through. I thought to myself while he was playing, 'I hope you don't stop playing with this feeling,' and he finished up with about four bars of the most beautiful, just about the most beautiful idea I think I've ever heard. That was it. You know, the whole solo was nothing, and I was afraid he was going to go out with it, but he didn't, he capped it with this one thing, and that was it."

There's something about words that make me want to keep them. Also my attention span is so shot. I'm not reading anything right now: my eyes just want to skip over everything. Must be too late to keep this up. Just feel like I can't come up with anything at all, either. My mind is drawing a complete blank. I feel an overall sense of jadedness towards words. Like nothing about them at all means much to me presently. I think that next time I feel some sort of impetus or spark I need to just stop everything and get as much down as I can before the thing distinguishes. Also I am starving constantly now and I don't know why. I don't know why I can't give myself the simple pleasure of eating, either. I also don't know why thinking of sating my hunger caused me to feel such an intense pining for comfort through romance. This is all so incredibly stupid.

I have my little escapade two weeks from now to look forward to, at least. I need to find more little joys. I'm studying with my friend tomorrow and getting my license. Even that makes me depressed. I don't know. It's inertia mixed with disdain, I think. I just want to do nothing all day right now. Or like, I have this schedule that I like (gym, school, jazz) that having to include something tedious which knocks everything out of order just pisses me off I guess? I don't know. I need to see a therapist honestly. And fuck my AMNE prof for just assigning fucking 40 min lectures out of nowhere randomly. And like no one cares for his class at all. That must be depressing. To work hard on like this class only for nobody to give two flying fucks about it. But also he deserved it, this shit is truly awful.

Had to take a minute to do a CRWR 200 quiz. I know I did bad on it. I did disappointingly alright on the first assignment, too. Both of these things are really depleting me of any motivation, drive, and self-confidence. I'm really feeling deeply for the first time that I'm not enough. That I'm not a good writer. I'm doing really good at music, though. Maybe I should pivot to that. I think I just need to be around more writers, though. I feel very isolated in my field. I just put in my calendar a poetry reading at the 20th. Here's to hoping I have something by then for that.

I need to look into getting counselling, too. I might start that after I stop talking to you. I want to be a writer, but this just is feeling wrong. I feel so bad and terrible at everything. My prose is fine. I just need to sublimate that into good poetry.

At the same time, I am reminded of my recent reading of Agee's letters to Father Flye. I was only turned onto that by Ocean Vuong, and throughout a lot of my reading of it I was a bit surprised. He said it was better than Letters to a Young Poet and that he recommended Agee over Rilke. I just didn't see why. Sure, there were some moments of literary criticism, and there is a letter where Agee does some advising, but the book really tapers off into being pure self-loathing. Like Agee just writing letter after letter (whenever depression and work permitted he write) about how he feels like an inept writer and how he's melancholic about his inertness. Writing as a small, insignificant blip in this large world, trying to make meaning out of himself when the whole world is saying he is inferior. And then it goes on to him saying he has to stop drinking and smoking, but he knows he can't because he's a man of vice, and he knows that these things will kill him. And they do kill him. I think, however, that all of this is precisely why Vuong recommended Agee as good reading for poets over Rilke. I think this is what every poet in the world needs to hear. I hope to get to the typewriter sometime soon. If not, I've been thinking that I should've never strayed away from the keyboard at all.

I wish you were real. I wish we could know each other and love each other. I'm envious of the friend I just called. She has some real friends, and she even has this sort of situationship which can very obviously manifest as some real love. Even just that would make me incredibly happy. I miss the words of my first poetry teacher. They really had a profound influence on my writing, albeit shortlived and small.

I think Kelowna just generally made me a lot happier. I'm having a hard time being happy here.

[rrusdii]

My Lost of Muscle after Furthering My Studies

It all began when I became overwhelmed with a busy schedule, leaving me with no time for the gym or even basic home workouts like push-ups, sit-ups, or squats. On top of that, my financial situation took a downturn, and I found myself unable to afford the gym’s walk-in fee, which was RM15. For a student, that’s quite a bit of money to spend, especially when juggling other expenses. Another factor that contributed to my muscle loss was my inability to maintain a proper diet. I simply couldn’t afford nutritious food, which required at least RM10 per meal. When hunger struck, I would either resort to instant noodles or, at times, skip meals entirely. There were days when I wouldn’t eat anything at all, just to stretch my limited budget. As the weeks passed, I began to notice a significant decline in my muscle mass. My body felt weaker, and I wasn’t as strong or energetic as I used to be. It wasn’t just me who noticed the change—my friends pointed it out too. They remarked that I had become skinnier and wasn’t as muscular or bulky as when I first arrived at college. This realization hit me hard. I had worked so diligently to build my strength and physique, only to see it diminish because of circumstances beyond my control. However, it also sparked something in me—a determination to improve, a motivation to keep pushing, and a drive to push myself beyond human limitations to achieve my dream physique.

[0daytrick0]

Week 8...?

It's been a wild ride, but I'm nearly there. I am currently drowning in all of the work I have to complete, but the finish line is in sight.

I currently have 5 assessments that I need to start along with one exam to study for - well at least watch the lectures and stay on top of it before the exam.

Full time uni, let me tell you, even with having a flexible job, to maintain consistency and manage your time... It's a hurdle.

I just keep telling myself that it's my first official term at uni and I'm going to struggle with this one. Especially when I'm still finding my feet to figure out what works.

At the moment all I want to do is play fallout 4. It's my third playthrough and I got back into it after watching the show and now studying and working is a whole new level of hard.

But I will get there. I know I will. I just have to keep my head down now and concentrate. There are a whole lot of assessment to create and submit, but having these massive lectures to attend ONLINE, man, it makes it way harder than it needs to be. I cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes. 40 minutes on my good day. To have a 4 hour lecture with no breaks, man... It's just setting me up to fail. Especially when I'm in my own house. Do you realise how many distractions there are here? "There is a mark on my desk, let me clean it. I'll go grab a drink of water, oh wait the dishes need doing. I'll just sit down and make a to do list. Oh wait, not until I vaccume my carpet so I can focus."

I have always struggled with procrastination all through school, but this takes the cake. Even things I enjoy doing such as gaming I can't sit still for. It's crazy man. It took so long for me to be able to sit where I am now. To be able to attend University without worldly stress hurdles. I couldn't even attend my bachelor of psychological science after I graduated as I didn't have enough points. So I had to do an online pathways program for three months. I decided to apply for uni and went the year after that only to nearly end up homeless. So then I came back home, got my own place with my partner, and proceed to apply again but online and I am finally here. Ive made it past census date. And I am here for good now.

It took so long to get here. I was so excited about it too. Couldn't wait for a challenge and commit to a grind. But now that it's here... I'm exhausted. I want to quit. I'm starting to not care. I have little focus. It is fascinating at how the human mind works... Whatever the case may be, I am stuck here and commited either way. So I might as well make the most of it and push myself as far as I can (which is not far at the moment).

In between all of this I am trying my best to have money to pay for bills so it's not all reliant on my partner on top of saving money for my tattoo which has been 4 damn years in the making.

I need AT LEAST 5k to be able to drive there, afford the tattoo, and have money for food and accommodation. It's possible. It most definitely is, even with my studies. But it's the saving part that's the hardest. My god is it hard. When I finally can afford things, I just spend all my money on things I like. Don't get me wrong, it's things I use and have wanted for a while. But damn man, I really have to set my priorities. But a budget book and be strict with myself. Honestly, I need to be strict with myself with everything. Studying, saving, eating, going to the gym. I just really need to change my whole mindset and push myself. It's not about motivation, it's about consistency and building habits.

In other news, I finally bought my dream iPad pro along with the apple pencil. I couldn't afford it outright, and I couldn't justify saving for an iPad when I also want a tattoo. So I ended up using a credit card. Which is dangerous and I always swore to myself I would never do. But! I am only using it to pay off the iPad and will delete it once it's paid off. I have also locked the card and will hide the card away from myself. I will not build debt on appliances.

Right now I am planning out my whole week, dedicating time to the priorities, and making time to work as well as work out. It's going to be a massive week, but if I can just start all of these assessments, it won't be so bad.

[aydenfswblog]

Hard work and community

Starting off looking at this photograph to most, It might just seem like a bunch of strong looking dudes, but some of the details in it truly show a lot. These types of physiques take immense amount of work and time. As you can see one of the guys is smiling, and they're all looking in the same direction. They are all looking in the mirror at the guy in the front who is posing with a sense of "heck yeah man!" bringing a sense of building each other up. What speaks to me about this photo is that it shows a sense of community. It shows a bunch of guys who have definitely worked very hard to get to the points they are all at, lifting each other up to make each other better and as you can tell they've all surrounded each other with the same goal and all of them are big or accomplished in what they're trying to achieve. For me, I've always loved bettering my health and I know personally that having someone else doing the same thing as you working towards the same goal, creates a close bond as partners in doing so and motivating each other to do better which i've always loved and that's why this photo speaks to me in that sense. Not only in the sense of community and upbringing in this photo that I like but it's the showcase of hard work and long hours. I believe that if you wanna make a big difference in your life and do something it's gonna take a lot of work and it's gonna be a grind, I've learned this lesson through over half a decade of working out and its certainly taken a lot but shown a big difference in my life. This sense of working hard has motivated me in life to do many things and I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had through working out to teach me that lesson. This photo is such a great showcase of that lesson because these are some of the best golden age bodybuilders, and these guys put an hours and hours of work to get to the point they are and one of the most notable people in this photo is Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you look at what he's done in his life whether it's the politics, working out, or his countless movies you can tell it's taken a lot of work to accomplish all of these things and I think that part of that drive that he has definitely came from the work that he put in in the gym and the people he surrounded himself with to become successful which speaks to me in so many ways of building myself up and how this photo relates to that.

[carmenthabaddie]

3 day juice fast 🥤

I am doing a 3 day juice fast. I’m gone drink green apple, ginger and celery for 3 days. And drink plenty of water. I’m doing this for health reasons. I lingering cough that will not go away. I tried everything. Tuesday going to my primary doctor and getting a referral to the lung doctor. I just want to be healthy and strong immune system. My immune system so fucked up.

I am doing this juice fast to eat better and lose weight and 2024 more juicing and more fruits and vegetables. Green leafy greens and vitamin C foods. I get weighed at my monthly mental health appointment and I went up to 229 from 222. I been in the 220s for a few years. I been maintaining my weight but I’m ready to lose more weight. Took my resistance bands out where I can see them and do workouts with them watching YouTube resistance bands workout videos and also my 5 pound kettlebells. But I’m mostly doing cardio.

I want get peloton but the seats be uncomfortable since I’m plus size. I want and need stop avoiding and making excuses on why I can’t go to the gym. I scheduled workouts in my digital planner and none of the days I scheduled I didn’t go. I don’t know how to drive and my family is older and by time my step dad gets off it’s late or raining and I try to be considerate since they doing me a favor. So im not gone stress about going to the gym until I can drive and take myself.

So I should start planning and scheduling my resistance bands, kettlebells, treadmill, and maybe Pilates and want get mini stepper and do mini stepper workouts. And schedule in my digital planner and hold myself accountable and my friend who have similar goals. Do this until I can drive.

I want to practice driving more. My step dad be too busy. I’m gone ask if we can practice before he works in the morning. Or wait for my grandma permanently move down here in South Carolina with us. It will happen. Patience is a virtue and I’m learning that some shit takes time. The more I do and consistent the faster shit manifest for me. I’m doing good. Proud of my growth and me taking control and creating my dream life. I’m the creator of my life. And people especially black women should know that we are creators of our lives.

I am gone start being strict and actually save money. And stop blowing my money. I need to be more responsible with my money. My family live above they means. February im paying my bills and saving $100 and don’t touch it. Save up for a IPad. I need a new tripod. Or save up Final Cut Pro to edit my YouTube videos. And plan my content , film , take photos, edit and post and have schedule and make hella content and not post it all in one day. And use my vlogging camera and give good advice for other black women growing, leveling up and on they glow up journey.

Created a budget, investment list, and my plans for 2024. I need to stick to my goals and hold myself accountable and put in work. Do what I say I am doing. Not depending on motivation but depending on determination, consistency, commitment, dedication , discipline. I am not perfect but I’m doing better and holding myself more accountable. I’m going hard all 2024. Praying this cough go away. Had this cough for months. Been dependent on sleeping pills and think it’s making me cough. I find it hard to stop getting high off sleeping pills. I take prayer cause this cough just won’t go away.

I’m gone start listening and reading more self help books and applying the information and sharing what I learned with other black women leveling up and glowing up knowledge is power. It’s my time to shine. Put myself first and others last. I deserve to have it all. I love who the fuck who I am. Spirit and my beautiful black ancestors all I need. My sp David will message me and follow on social media and stalk my post and be obsessed about me since I’m the definition of what a bad bitch all day everyday period.

I am doing good. I’m going so hard. I always get my way. Spirit and black ancestors in me and giving me hella spiritual abilities to help me rich and famous and love and be myself. I love who the fuck I am. I am gone practice singing more and start showing my singing as soon as I figure out how do it without copyright taking sound down. I’m blessed with singing abilities and dance abilities and beautiful face and body. My weight gone melt off and the number on the scale doesn’t trigger me. The number has nothing to do with my self worth. The old story is me extreme dieting. New story is me being happy and taking my time and not making me miserable on my weight loss journey. More juice fasting.

And gone learn more about Fin Dom and onlyfans and making X rated content. And men worshipping and praising and pleasing me and paying me. I’m going hard. And it’s me vs me. I am a icon and trendsetter. I’m bad bitch goals.

[sweetsummercashmere]

King of the Navy

(Photo Credit: Source Pinterest, Author is 1975SlidesN_0002, Accessed November 29th 2023, link: https://pin.it/72TEa0L)

Orion

“King of the Navy”

(Schedule)

6:00am Wake up, Smoothie, Morning Jog.

Waking up late is for those who make it nowhere. I need to remind myself daily of the burden I could become. The burden that drags down my family. But no, I wake up, fight the weak feelings that pull me back to the warmth of my pillow, and walk to the kitchen. Make my smoothie.

“Spinach, raspberries, protein mix, water, and ice”.

Leaves me hungry but I cannot give up, pain is temporary, I remind myself this every second I feel restless. For every weak point I remember the moments my family found out my mom passed. When dad took up drinking, and missed work daily. Those moments motivate me.

I jog up the hill I used to sled down in the winters, and through my whole neighborhood.

7:00am Wake up dad for Work, have a Protein Bar.

Although I shouldn’t have to wake him up, I do it regardless, because we're family. I remember when he would wake up before I did, make mom breakfast, and drive us to school before heading to work. He was so motivated, I can’t become him, the world keeps moving.

After my runs, I do have a Clif Bar, gotta get the calories from somewhere. Can’t pass out from low iron anymore, it can be hard though, to keep up my energy, I put out too much the doctor says but I don’t take in enough.

7:30am Prayers for Iris, Pers, and Dad.

Everyday, I make prayers for my family. Things can be rough with handling my relationships to each of them, but I always remind myself of what we all had to deal with. And that mom would want us to get along. Mostly, I pray for Iris. She’s always in her room, on her phone, I yell at her sometimes to even get out of bed for dinner, I want her outside, doing normal teenage things. It hurts even more as dad always says she’s just like her mother. So I pray that Iris can be good again, to be that rainbow of sunshine she used to be, and get off whatever poetic app she’s stuck on.

7:45am Gym

8:30am Shower and Morning Routine.

Cold showers only. It helps the blood circulate, for your mind to wake up, and to push yourself to do things you're uncomfortable with. It’s almost like an exposure therapy ordeal.

After showers, I shave, and spray on my cologne. I like this one my mom got me years ago called “Jazz Club” from Replica. One time our family went shopping, and Pers tried on every perfume in Sephora, and while I was waiting, I went and smelled that one, and I loved it alot. Without even telling her, mom noticed it made me smile, and saved up for me to get it for Christmas. I’ll always remember how much she noticed the little things, it was so special.

I only spray it once per day, it’s almost gone and I think it’s a waste to buy something so expensive when dad can barely afford the house anymore. But the smell takes me back. Back to that Christmas, it's the one thing that hasn’t changed since she passed, I like that it's still.

(Photo Credit: Source: Fragrantica, Accessed December 1st 2023, link: https://www.fragrantica.com/perfume/Maison-Martin-Margiela/Jazz-Club-20541.html)

9:00am Work at the Lumber Yard

5:00pm Make Dinner, and Read Before Bed.

9:45pm Music

Before I go to bed I listen to music to calm down, this night I listened to “Summer” by BROCKHAMPTON, one of my current faves, great for my morning jogs too, motivation to live the best day you can, I always have to be keep moving, I can’t stand still, I never will.

[visible-buttholegirl]

life update rant

using tumblr dot com as my mental and emotional dumping grounds once again, this time a slightly more positive rant than the majority of what i puke up here.

i got my license a week or so ago! so happy that's over, i was so anxious leading up to it but i feel like a confident and calm driver, and next on the list is buying a car. i have gotten a second job serving a couple nights a week in addition to my dreaded day job and it has allowed me to save money a lot faster, so i could conceivably have a car before this year's end! that would be so so sick, and the freedom that affords me will feel so good. i could run solo errands on my time, take way less ubers, pick up friends, go on camping trips or road trips when i want to, drive thrus, groceries and not walk them, etc etc! that will be so hot of me to have a car.

having a car will also allow me to leave my current day job and move on to the next chapter of my work life 🤢 which will have many more options available to me as a person with a car. i mentioned not knowing what i wanted to do yet last time, and that uncertainty remains. my ever-supportive parents continue to send me graphic design gigs to apply to, but many of my friends think i would be happier doing more service industry stuff (probably because i've been telling them i think i'd be happier there), but of course my indecisive brain does not allow me a moment of peace and assuredness. i am once again sitting at the crossroads of my life wondering what i should do after leaving my job. i will probably keep serving at my other job, but that will not be enough for me. not gonna continue thinking about this right now but i will have to think about it later.

some secondary focuses in my life right now are my health/fitness, and my creative outlet/learning new things. i have slowly started eating better and trying to get to the gym when i can, and its felt really great mostly, but i have to do better. i am trying to be patient with myself but not lazy. i know it feels good to be healthy and active, and i want that for myself. so when i feel like i have more time i will work harder on that. as for creative stuff, i want to do more visual art, though my main interest is in music production. i see so many people making the music i want to make, having a persona, aesthetic, a vibe, and living and creating within that, and i want that for myself as well. i have so many ideas for this kind of stuff in my brain, i just don't currently have the know-how to put pen to paper. once the car is sorted out and maybe the job schedule is a little more set in stone too i will come back to this. i just don't feel like i have a ton of time to focus on it, and again, i want to give myself a little grace because i am very busy lately and i think working decently hard to make other positive changes in my life.

lastly, i'm still single and jealous of my not-single/sexually active friends, and i need to be better about putting myself out there because this whole time its always been there if i wanted it, and i do want it, but i just never felt confident in myself enough to go for it. all of these positive changes in my life will boost my confidence and over time i will slowly try to be more proactive and confident! i deserve it and i can have it. the past is the past but i can change the future.

i have lofty goals of being and feeling a hot, confident, talented and traveled individual who above all else is HAPPY. i have dreams of creating art and music that resonates with people and performing it and hopefully putting that more at the forefront of my life than "work". maybe 2023 didn't shake out the way i hoped but i feel like i'm seriously laying the groundwork for some big stuff in 2024. i feel like when i'm in a good mood i always say shit like this and the last three years have not been as life-changing as i wanted but i do think i've made some moves in that direction for once, and a big change is a shift in personal motivation that i know can blossom into self-confidence and overall happiness. these are the things i'm going to try and focus on moving forward. rant over.

[0thsense]

5/30/2023

Go ahead, put anything. okay tumblr. I want to develop my life. I want to upgrade myself. The path to physical upgrade is so clear.. go to the gym, do cardio, etc. The path to other upgrades? not so clear. Should I flesh out my frameworks of living? do I just choose one even though I'm not sure of anything? I have no direction in life. I want to create something beautiful. If I create one beautiful thing.. well I can't make any promises. to myself. I wonder if everybody feels about their soul in the same way. Does everyone feel that they have something uniquely pure and beautiful to offer to the world. It's probably all a delusion, but thinking that way feels like my soul will just die. I'm just rambling about things that make no sense. Everybody has different definitions for these things so communicating about them is really hard. I guess the human brain is hardwired to think in terms of cause and effect, which makes us ask "why am i here". but for that we can't find a meaningful answer, so we have to decide on an answer, and that's really hard. I sometimes think I should just decide on something just to try it out, but for these things you can't just "try it out", it'll never work unless you fully believe in it. Is that something that other people have done that I'm missing? that leap of faith to just believe in some purpose? I guess from a religious perspective maybe but what about non-religious people? I guess there's less pressure to answer this question if you naturally life effectively in society anyways, since you don't need the additional motivation. I always feel like I need additional information to answer this question and I don't have the drive to gather this additional information. Gathering this additional information means trying really hard at things for like a year.

I also feel like I'm not maturing because my life experience does not give me new insights. I could try to read books and ponder on them, but I feel like that results in incorrect and shallow conclusions, even if the books are good. Did I mature from playing omori? I probably felt the strongest emotions from playing Omori in my whole life the last 2-3 years. Maybe I forgot something, which feels increasingly common.

Due to the earth's rejection of my autistic self and my waning self-confidence, im trying to be a normie. I suck at socially interacting in a normie way. I miss when I could just say whatever was on my mind and people respected me enough to take me seriously. I feel like there's a ball of thoughts in my head that only make full sense in context of the entire ball, and it's impossible to write that whole ball so it's impossible to communicate this whole ball. That makes me scared to share any one part of this ball.

I finished reading The Road, and im reading oyasumi punpun right now. I want to write something on the things I read which affect me so I never forget. I should write something about Omori now, as my memory of it continues to wane. I'm so scared of doing all these things like reading, etc. and just not making any progress towards anything. One main purpose of reading is I want to be exposed to different views and ways of thinking, and I can't tell if thats happening. I recognized value in The Handmaid's Tale but I probably got like 5% of what the author was trying to put across. And I never wrote my thoughts on it. I guess I should do that too. I think I'm pretty initially dismissive these days. I try to lump lines of thinking into things I've thought of before, and by and large most of the time I find a way to lump a new thing into something thats close. This makes me lose those crucial insights that lie in the difference between what I already know and the new thing. My brain automatically does this through years of practice. I need to be more vigilant in carefully considering everything with no biases and no assumption that I already know what it is.

I think my dad was a lucky genetic freak in our family tree. I'm reverting to the expected outcome of my gene pool. My cousins are doing okay but not that well. Compared to other smart people, who have much stronger family lineups. The more research is done, the more people realize how hereditary most things are. I am a weird concoction, and so are most people. And we will never fully know the wonders of each others' mixes. I'm thinking it's likely that I'm part of the last human generation, mostly because of AI. I am deathly scared and think about what an AI singularity scenario will look like, but it's hard to predict. There will be nowhere to run, we will just be ants. Hopefully we will be useful to our new overlords. Maybe they will care about us and treat us humanely. Humanely is such a weird term, treating non-humans humanely is a good thing right!

I had something else I wanted to write. Oh yea pretending to be happy is hard. And it's a vicious cycle. I'm less valuable in every way if I present as unhappy. Sorry everyone.

[universe-082594-oops]

10 FEB 2023 - buzzing bees

- Yulita. Our past, my resentment for lost time. Our present, my resentment for how much lead I’ve given her and how much I’ve taken on in an effort to protect her. But just because I have a healthier support system/coping mechanisms, it doesn’t mean I’m responsible to take on more than her. We should have an equal friendship and she deserves to know how I’m feeling.

- Eliza. Questions about our long-term future keep coming up. Is this someone I can rely on for big life decisions? Is this someone I can potentially raise children with? Their lack of self-awareness and lack of drive/zest for life makes me nervous that I am wasting time. I wonder if I am staving off our doom by pushing it off just because it feels good/healthy/safe in the moment.

- Sex. My triggers around wanting to have sex or wanting to want to have sex or blahablahlablahhh are getting worse the longer that it goes between times. I want to get to a place where I feel more fluid in my sexuality and less anxious/triggered but I don’t know how. Not sure which is the chicken or the egg: feelings of doubt with Eliza, or not having sex with Eliza.

- Jace. I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m losing them. After the last few sessions, I question whether I can rely on them anymore. I’m feeling resentful that I’m wasting money on sessions that are no longer serving me. I feel like my life raft is deflating. Like my anchor is floating. The idea of starting fresh with a new therapist is so overwhelming and daunting. I’ve already invested so much time in building a relationship with Jace and I really want to make this work because of how well they know me. 

- Ames. I’m wondering if this friendship is fizzling? They seem less motivated to hang out and I’m feeling resentful that we’re spending less time together and that they aren’t really making much of an effort to hang as much. Seeing each other for an hour before their lunch date feels kinda measly. 

- Gym crush. The more I feel uneasy about Eliza, the more I fantasize about gym crush. I know they’re just an escape but a part of me does wonder what could’ve been if I had decided to make a move when I was still non-monogamous. 

- My job. I don’t feel that my talents/skills/experience are recognized here. I don’t feel like I’m growing or learning about digital marketing in a way that I can take into the rest of my career. I wish I could do more creative work. I wish I could have a hybrid schedule. I wish I could be making more money to pay for a safer apartment. But I also love that I can bring Bambi in. I love that I make enough money to be comfortable and the work isn’t that hard. I love that I don’t work more than 40 hours a week. Brent is easy enough to work with and maybe I should just stick it out for a while longer because somewhere else could be worse. 

- My body. I haven’t been happy with the way I look lately. I just want to look cool and fashionable in my weird clothes but I feel like it’s hard to make that happen when you’re not thin. I know I’m healthy and eat right / exercise a lot and usually that’s enough to keep me feeling good about myself. But lately when I see myself in outfits or in photos I just hate what I see. I genuinely don’t think it’s a gender thing. I just wish I was thinner and more elegant/cool looking.

- My music. When will I get out of this stuck place? Why do I keep holding myself back?

Things I’m grateful about: The gym existing. And my friendship with Alina getting back on track. The Bambina.

[official-wonho]

No One Is Doing Kpop Fashion Better (or Sexier) Than Wonho

The crush-worthy idol talks about his new album "Bittersweet," his love of his fans, and his Halloween costume.

“Nightwing cosplay!” Wonho says, excitedly. “My fans recommended that for Halloween, I dress up as Nightwing from DC Comics, so I’m actually searching for a costume.” It’s that happily accommodating charisma — paired with an undeniable talent and unapologetic sexiness — that has earned kpop idol Wonho millions of worldwide devotees.

It’s easy to forget that Wonho (born Lee Ho-seok) is a global superstar when you’re talking to him. Sure, he has that same honey-dipped voice that you’ve heard blasted through stadium speakers and on a million fan-made YouTube compilations. And, yes, those are the broader-than-a-refrigerator shoulders you’ve swooned over on Instagram, but when you’re with Wonho one-on-one, he makes you feel like you’re with a good friend. His warmth and soft-spoken humility is palpable even through a pair of translators and the expanse of time zones between us (when we talk, his late night is my early morning).

Let me warn the newcomers: you are not ready for Wonho’s aesthetic. There aren’t a lot of men who could pull off jeans with thigh cutouts but, then again, not a lot of men are Wonho.

With his stage costumes, Wonho has taken dopamine dressing to a new level: Mesh, sequins, vinyl — all are fair game. “For my stages and my performances, I really think hard about trying to show sides of myself that I haven’t shown before,” he explains.

Thanks to that drive to constantly innovate, he’s managed to bring a new brand of unapologetically provocative sexiness to the kpop world. Wonho’s stagewear closet is filled with backless blazers, leather harnesses, peep-show jeans, fishnet shirts, and strategically unzipped turtlenecks, peeled back to reveal a set of abs that would make Thor do a double take. That risque wardrobe (and general aversion to wearing a shirt during concerts) means he can send the internet into a meltdown with just one performance.

“It is true. I started to work out for my physical health, but it has turned into somewhat of an aesthetic,” he tells me as the topic circles to his Instagram. Wonho’s grid is dotted with shirtless selfies and thirst traps worthy of a global idol between charmingly normal pics of him drinking coffee and sightseeing. “My physique,” he says, coyly, of the thirst traps. “I can show it to [my fans] every once in a while, because I like seeing their reactions.”

When I ask what it’s like to be known in the kpop community as a sartorial boundary-pusher, Wonho is happy to take on the title, but firmly unbothered. ”First, thank you for recognizing me as a fashion icon,” he says, with a shy smile. “I don’t really think of boundaries when I am thinking of my own fashion. If it’s a fit for the concept or the style [of the performance], I’ll just try it without any hesitation.” No boundaries, no hesitation, all confidence. That’s Wonho in a heartbeat.

Off-stage, Wonho’s preferences favor comfort. Sweats and Jordans. T-shirts and Vans. Easy styles that can take him from the studio to the gym to rehearsals to the airport. That casual, off-duty wardrobe is tweaked slightly when he’s continent-hopping. This past summer, Wonho launched his FACADE tour — his first solo sprint across Europe. The opportunity to perform for his fans there also gave him a chance to switch up his fashion

“When I’m in London, I tend to style my outfits more clean-cut and dandy. Whereas, in Korea, I style them more comfortably and stylish.” And, as any jet-setting idol will tell you, practicality will trump fashion when the weather turns. “And, more recently, in Japan, my schedule was just packed and it rained all throughout my stay there, so I wore very comfortable clothing and raincoats and stuff.”

Wonho’s fans can be cited as one of the sources of inspiration behind his whiplash-inducing fashion, but it’s clear that they’re also the motivation behind his music, as well. The rankings, the cynics, and all the other distractions that clog up your nerves and can kill an artist’s creativity — those are the obstacles that Wonho chooses, staunchly, to ignore. Instead, he only wants to make his fans proud.

“My goal [as an artist] isn’t really chart-oriented,” he tells me with the help of those translators picking up the more nuanced questions. “I don’t really focus on getting any sort of ranking on the chart but, rather, I want to make music for as many years as I can. I also want to go on a world tour to meet WENEEs who are in all parts of the world.”

The self-chosen moniker of his fans, WENEEs — the name equal parts silly and sweet — is short-hand for “WE are NEw Ending” or “WE NEEd.” Both phrases are representative of the symbiotic relationship between the artist and the fans who have been supporting him from the beginning, and will be there until the end. “[With this album,] I am making a promise to my fans to always be by my side, as they have always been.”

His latest project dropped earlier this month, a highly anticipated second single album named Bittersweet. It was a deeply personal effort for Wonho who doesn’t just sing his music but writes and produces as well, though he’s quick to share the credit with his team. “[I’m always] getting tons of support from all the staff and all the good people around me so I’m able to prepare and produce my albums very conveniently,” says the humble idol. “There are a lot of teams involved with the album production process so it comes out very smoothly.”

The new album’s tracks, “On & On” (a smooth, pulsing dance track featuring Korean rapper YUNHWAY) and “Don’t Regret” (a powerful, tender ballad), are about all-consuming emotions and the Wonho-penned lyrics are as vulnerable as a baby bunny. What helps him to write and perform music this honest and personal is, in part, his impressive multilingualism. “It’s easier to express those kinds of emotions because I can use two languages, Korean and English,” Wonho says of his skill set, which also includes Japanese. “I can use both languages to express my thoughts and emotions.” The tracks add to Wonho’s consistently introspective and sentimental music catalog, making Bittersweet another compelling treasure from the solo star.

And then there’s that beautiful Wonho duality again, right there in the title of his album: Bittersweet. “I wanted to express a mix of emotions that are bitter, yet sweet. Exciting, yet depressing,” explains Wonho. “I believe our lives are filled with different emotions and they shape how we are.”

That paradox of his album’s title and theme is an echo of his whole career and strengths as an idol. That duality is why the entire world has a crush on him. Wonho can do it all. He has a voice that is lovely and dreamy when paired with pulsing dance beats, but also soaring and gorgeous when singing full-chested ballads. He has an off-stage boyfriend aesthetic but is also an easy-to-worship glam god on-stage. Sexy and cute. A Disney face with a Marvel body, as fellow idol Jessi described him. But who needs superhero movies anyways when you have the adrenaline rush of Wonho’s duality?

Source: instyle.com