universe-082594-oops

[universe-082594-oops]

STOP DICKING AROUND AND MAKE IT HAPPEN

QMJ

faerie tattoo

chihuahua tattoo

contact lenses

work on body image

look for a pilates class on the weekends

threesome w eli

harmonize & make music w others

[universe-082594-oops]

$1425 - rent $66 - gym $100 - gas (N.C.) $50 - DWP $40 - Socal Gas $200 - Groceries $200 - Eating out ______________________________ $2081 Things to consider: - Health benefits: Gardasil shot series (December, June). - Bambi's eye

[universe-082594-oops]

21 JULY 2023 - the burden of my wisdom

my advice met with rolled eyes a burden upon the all-knowing ears but you weren't complaining when i drove the car and drove the bus and steered the ship and piloted the plane you seemed happy as a clam to go with my flow to follow the current of my direction you seemed to be comfortable picking flowers from my garden and yet when i ask you about my wisdom pearls of my stories that have helped you to see yourself gems of my mistakes that have helped you to see the world you talk about solicitation you don't "feel what i feel" but do you not feel the heat? the heat that emanates from the jewelry that adorns you as you sit in the sun and enjoy the sparkle of pearls and gems?

[universe-082594-oops]

17 JULY 2023 - present i

i'm having soup it's still in the pot it's still on the stove first it was too cold and now my tongue is burnt

i'm having a scone i'm hanging over the sink the soup won't drain a blood pool for my crumb diving board

i forgot my password i can't get in i can't get in how will i create if i can't get in oh i'm in okay

i scratch the itch it's a microscopic scab my thighs suffer when i have fun that didn't used to happen when i was skinny

i can't look at pictures of myself in a bikini or else i'll fantasize about ripping off my skin dislocating chunks of myself like a horrific mr. potato head

so instead i'll think about my dog i'll think about her funny bark i'll think about eliza's eyes i'll think about the don't think about it i'll think about the fun weekend plans i'll think about the big laugh i'll think about the stop thinking about it i'll think about the pool day i'll think about the cheese board i'll think about song i sing in the car i think about the STOP THINKING ABOUT IT i'll think about my therapist i'll think about my past i'll think about soiled friendships i'll think about the times i hurt the ones i loved i'll think about the times i betrayed my own body how many do you think? at least 100 maybe 1000 how many years do you think it'll take to undo? i'll let you know when i know

anyways, here's a digestible secret, bite-sized just for you, i hope it'll make you like me

[universe-082594-oops]

3 MAY 2023 [revised 17 JULY 2023] - last december

last december we left the door open and the darkest corners of the city settled in

a rotten seed grew roots in our apartment tore a hole in our roof as something grew tall

trees grow in apartments all the time invasive species only we can see four to six months to see it gone and only maybe we’re still waiting, it’s been seven

the tree grew so large it interrupts spacetime we’re on opposite ends of the planet now you with your hallucinogenic sobriety me with my googling the opposite of mysterious

i’ll never get my pillowcase back and even if i do, the city has cut it up i don’t want it back at this point

[universe-082594-oops]

17 APR 2023 - first friend After

Coming out of the dream house Was climbing out of a hole With almost infinitely tall walls Walls that were bleeding Walls that made me slip At the bottom was the pit Where I used to sit and only see a pinhole of light So far up Wondering what the sun was like What a breeze felt like What I’d find And when I finally got there When I reached the top I saw your hand It was dirty You had been climbing too Your hand grabbed mine and pulled me out My first friend After When I stood on solid ground and felt the sun You felt the sun with me I saw the place you climbed out from Close to mine I couldn’t see the bottom of your pit either You had climbed a long way too We celebrated We understood

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6 APR 2023 - looking back (& looking up) at lauren

You seemed harmless That’s what got me Your teeth weren’t yet sharpened And you held me like I was your gravity

You rock and rolled me You had my attention I was just two eyes, peering up at the night sky Your body a constellation

And when you made me cry You wouldn’t bat an eye

Because love was your power Your power was my humility Love was your sex toy Love was your enemy

You breathed me like you needed me You bathed me in ribbons and light You gave me the gift of being seen Took it away as soon as day turned to night You transformed in more ways than one Someone to fear, someone to trust

My memory became a clouded haze Something for you to always appraise

But the stars in your sky Only got brighter The pleasure felt better The more you made me a fighter

When I look back at you I can’t help but look up at you I look down on you too I look sideways and through

I look at you more than I should I look for you in corners of words I look up at you when I miss your supernova I look through you when I miss myself

[universe-082594-oops]

5 APR 2023 - my name

I used to think that my name Was just a sound that beckoned my attention A reflection of my parents’ generation Something they agreed enough on A wink to the shape of my body An allowance for assumption

But now my name is a song A new one, my favorite one But it’s old too Because it’s always been mine

[universe-082594-oops]

3 APR 2023 - pros n cons

Bringing Bambi on the Road trip

Pros:

- No dog sitter - She won’t be anxious without me - I won’t be anxious without her!! lol - She’ll be with me for 4th of July

Cons:

- Might be staying with people who have pets - Hard to go out to dinner or do long day trips that aren’t pet friendly (beach etc)

Other option:

Mom flies down to LA for first leg of trip. Flies back up with Bambi before we arrive so we all reunite in Bend. Me and Eliza take Bambi down with us for last leg of the trip (since it’ll be less visiting and more hotels/airbnb).

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29 MAR 2023 - road trip route

*AN HOUR ADDED TO EVERY COMMUTE TIME TO ACCOUNT FOR STOPPING FOR GAS/FOOD/ETC*

*Auntie party July 9*

Tues July 4 - 4th of July woohoo!! Pack! (Bambi stuff, swim stuff, hiking stuff, dinner clothes, air mattress, etc).

Weds July 5 (Day 1) (~7 hrs) - Leave LA @ 8-9AM. Mom arrives to watch Bambi at 1PM ish. Arrive in the Bay @ 3-4PM. Stay at E’s cousin’s? 

Thurs July 6 (Day 2) - Hang with E cousin for the day. Maybe J has Jace session?? Drive to Hannah’s in the PM.

Fri July 7 (Day 3) - Spend day with Hannah (?) and spend night there.

Sat July 8 (Day 4) (~6 hrs) - Leave SF at 9AM. Arrive in Arcata @ 3PM. Stay at Adam’s?

Sun July 9 (Day 5) - Spend day in Arcata, see old haunts. See who still lives in town? Spend night at Adam’s again? Maybe get an airbhb?

Mon, July 10 (Day 6) (~8 hrs) - Leave Arcata at 8AM. Arrive in Bend @ 4PM. Stay w folks. Mom lands with Bambi at 2:10PM.

Tues July 11 (Day 7) - Spend day and night w folks. Floating the river etc.

Weds July 12 (Day 8) - Spend another day and night w folks. GET SOMEONE TO MOVE MY CAR AFTER 3PM.

Thurs July 13 (Day 9) (~6 hrs) - Leave Bend at 9AM. Arrive in Crescent City 3PM. Stay at Airbnb or hotel? Go to Pebble Beach :) Maybe Adam or whoever meets us there? (FIND PET FRIENDLY). IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, GET SOMEONE TO MOVE MY CAR.

Fri July 14 (Day 10) (~6 hrs) - Leave Crescent City at 9AM. Arrive in Santa Rosa at 3PM. Stay at Airbnb or hotel? Maybe Hannah or cousin meets us there? OR go to Point Arena Bus, pets allowed!! (FIND PET FRIENDLY). IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, GET SOMEONE TO MOVE MY CAR BEFORE 12PM.

Sat July 15 (Day 11) (~8 hrs) - Leave Crescent City at 8AM. Arrive in LA at at 4PM. Right before rush hour!

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27 FEB 2023 - buzzing bees 02

- my body: i can’t seem to be happy with it unless i’m actively going to the gym. i wish i was thinner so i could pull of more androgynous looks, feel more comfortable in jeans, and look more “high fashion”. i feel like i just look lumpy and ugly all the time. i’m less inspired to dress up. 

- yulita: things are so fuckin weird right now. i’m so sad about how our last roomie talk went. hopefully hanging more as friends will be better but i’m just feeling so icky about everything. 

- family: i’m disappointed that i’m not closer with my grandparents. i had the whole weekend to get closer to any of them: G&G, kaitlin, joseph, marky, my parents... but everything was so surface level. 

- eliza: why can’t i appreciate a good thing. they are perfect in so many ways and they love me so much. it makes me feel so guilty when i have doubts. 

[universe-082594-oops]

23 FEB 2023 - important therapy sesh

Feeling hot and cold with so many aspects of my life: Eliza, job, etc. Not being able to be happy in the moment or commit to any kind of future out of fear that I’m settling or I’m taking my present for granted. Where does that come from?

When I was having big feelings, my mom was super accommodating, always doing everything she can to help me and soothe me. Modeling “it can always be better”. My dad made me feel guilty for accepting this and said things like “in the real world, there will be so much stuff that you don’t want to do that you just have to do”, modeling “suck it up and make it work in the present”. So maybe I revert back to these two choices because of this?

---

I need to not use regret as my compass for making big decisions. Regret is a part of life and it’s inescapable. How to live with regret? How to make big decisions with SO MUCH felt lost time. Lost time dating men in my youth. How to make big decisions when I don’t trust myself? I was fully committed and ready for marriage/famiy with Adam, not knowing that there was a huge part of myself left to explore??? How can I trust myself to know what I want after that?

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Known: I always will need space to explore all the sides of myself. Some people are content with their choices and the way those choices limit who they are and parts of themselves to explore. That is okay for them but not for me. I don’t want to be limited and I want to always have space to explore all sides of myself. 

[universe-082594-oops]

22 FEB 2023 - idk

decay is graveyard pretty for dissonance la is a hard city for innocence maybe i don’t want to see the car wreck but i’ve been in traffic for an hour because of it

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14 FEB 2023 - my eliza 3

perfect moon brilliant and bright a guiding source through an endless night a dandelion grows through pavement and still it was no coincidence the strength of its will

oceans rivers creeks tears from an eye droplets from all fall from clouds, return to sky

moments of beauty pour love into our lives and i feel the love most when i look into your eyes

[universe-082594-oops]

10 FEB 2023 - buzzing bees

- Yulita. Our past, my resentment for lost time. Our present, my resentment for how much lead I’ve given her and how much I’ve taken on in an effort to protect her. But just because I have a healthier support system/coping mechanisms, it doesn’t mean I’m responsible to take on more than her. We should have an equal friendship and she deserves to know how I’m feeling.

- Eliza. Questions about our long-term future keep coming up. Is this someone I can rely on for big life decisions? Is this someone I can potentially raise children with? Their lack of self-awareness and lack of drive/zest for life makes me nervous that I am wasting time. I wonder if I am staving off our doom by pushing it off just because it feels good/healthy/safe in the moment.

- Sex. My triggers around wanting to have sex or wanting to want to have sex or blahablahlablahhh are getting worse the longer that it goes between times. I want to get to a place where I feel more fluid in my sexuality and less anxious/triggered but I don’t know how. Not sure which is the chicken or the egg: feelings of doubt with Eliza, or not having sex with Eliza.

- Jace. I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m losing them. After the last few sessions, I question whether I can rely on them anymore. I’m feeling resentful that I’m wasting money on sessions that are no longer serving me. I feel like my life raft is deflating. Like my anchor is floating. The idea of starting fresh with a new therapist is so overwhelming and daunting. I’ve already invested so much time in building a relationship with Jace and I really want to make this work because of how well they know me. 

- Ames. I’m wondering if this friendship is fizzling? They seem less motivated to hang out and I’m feeling resentful that we’re spending less time together and that they aren’t really making much of an effort to hang as much. Seeing each other for an hour before their lunch date feels kinda measly. 

- Gym crush. The more I feel uneasy about Eliza, the more I fantasize about gym crush. I know they’re just an escape but a part of me does wonder what could’ve been if I had decided to make a move when I was still non-monogamous. 

- My job. I don’t feel that my talents/skills/experience are recognized here. I don’t feel like I’m growing or learning about digital marketing in a way that I can take into the rest of my career. I wish I could do more creative work. I wish I could have a hybrid schedule. I wish I could be making more money to pay for a safer apartment. But I also love that I can bring Bambi in. I love that I make enough money to be comfortable and the work isn’t that hard. I love that I don’t work more than 40 hours a week. Brent is easy enough to work with and maybe I should just stick it out for a while longer because somewhere else could be worse. 

- My body. I haven’t been happy with the way I look lately. I just want to look cool and fashionable in my weird clothes but I feel like it’s hard to make that happen when you’re not thin. I know I’m healthy and eat right / exercise a lot and usually that’s enough to keep me feeling good about myself. But lately when I see myself in outfits or in photos I just hate what I see. I genuinely don’t think it’s a gender thing. I just wish I was thinner and more elegant/cool looking.

- My music. When will I get out of this stuck place? Why do I keep holding myself back?

Things I’m grateful about: The gym existing. And my friendship with Alina getting back on track. The Bambina.

[universe-082594-oops]

20 JAN 2023 - my eliza 2

i’m a survivor of knives with different names some would whisper, some would scream but they all made noise some would dull their blade but they all still cut

in your arms is armor in your arms is rest no more noise i won the battle war is over you are peace

[universe-082594-oops]

16 DEC 2022 - it’s not about mosquitos

A mosquito has his meal He doesn’t make a sound Leaves as quickly as he comes He does a sloppy job Blood trickles down the arm He goes for seconds But he’s caught And he buzzes away And we see the blood And we we were all there But there are millions of mosquitos Billions of mosquitos Trillions of mosquitos They’re all around us They all look different He could be any of them And we may never know And he’ll be hungry again