#mostly i just have a lot of repressed daydreams that may or may not need airing out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

evernoddingaudience · 3 years ago

Text

This post is going to serve the purpose of stating what I know I experience, with regards to "plurality" or feeling as though I'm not the one in control of my actions. As far as I'm aware, I do not have a dissociative disorder and I am not identifying with being plural or single until further introspection and research allows me to better understand myself. I am doing my best to refrain from using any specific diagnoses or diagnosis-specific terms, as this is meant to be clarification about symptoms and issues only, without the bias of any psychiatric label.

So far, the best way to sum my understandings up is to say that I am divided between my internal and external selves. While I mostly identify with the internal part- the part where my consciousness and thoughts reside- my external self has gained such a level of automaticity that it doesn't need my input and operates almost autonomously, which then widens the split between myself. I generally refer to the external self as 'the other part' or 'my body'.

Additionally there may be other parts of myself that I am unaware of; I indeed have a suspicion that there's at least one more chunk of repression blocked off somewhere that I've not been able to find, though the amount of which it might affect me is unknown.

I find myself doing or saying things without being wholly aware of them, and only processing what has happened afterwards. I've never experienced dissociative amnesia (unless you count my childhood), but in stressful situations I often 'go away' in which I stop existing as a conscious entity. I cannot think or feel, I have no judgement or opinions- it's as if time has paused for me. My awareness that something isn't right depends on how stressed I am; if I'm extremely overwhelmed, not only am I not aware something is wrong, I'm not aware of anything. Only after I 'restart' when I've relaxed can I access memories during this time; I can picture the scene, I can remember the words and sounds, but they're distant and have no emotional impact no matter how intense the event was.

Yet, in the stressful situation I am still able to move. I can still speak, I still act and interact with others. I even still seem to make decisions. However, looking back at what happened, the decisions made would not be the ones I would make.

This may get ramble-y so I'll add a readmore:

Even when I am somewhat present, I never have full control. This other part of me has the ultimate say in what we do and what we say. There have been many instances, even in calm or relatively peaceful circumstances, in which I have wanted to say or do something and did not move despite clearly wanting to. This almost always only happens when other people are involved, and not when I'm alone. Commonly, I'm 'awake' but daydreaming instead of controlling the body, which is a whole other thing and also debatably affecting my sense of plural-versus-single but if I talk about that, it won't be in this post.

I have assumed a few things from the way I've acted outside of my intentions. The main goal of this other part seems to be safety (which makes sense, considering at least part of my issues are trauma based). 'Safety' is possibly understood by this part as what I have divided into a few different positions, ranked by how much they seem to be prioritized:

1) staying invisible, looking normal, and sticking to the status quo.

2) preventing intimacy or genuine emotional expression.

3) getting out of the situation, or at least getting through it.

First, my body employs a lot of autistic masking despite my wanting to just chill and behave naturally. This results in an odd experience in which I'm distantly aware of purposefully fixing my facial expressions and tone of voice and holding myself still but it's also not purposeful at all and is often not how I want to present myself.

Next, my body sometimes stays quiet even when I have something I want to add to the conversation. This is especially intense if the conversation is emotionally charged or if the thing I want to say might be too vulnerable. Additionally, if it apparently decides something hits too close to home, the body can even edit a script I've already thoroughly planned mid-conversation which... is not even something *I* can do, so??? I also am prevented from hugging or initiating physical contact if it comes from a place of actual want on my end (which, to be fair, is incredibly rare anyway).

Last is pretty self-explanatory. I always try to leave a situation if I can do so without being called out on it (because staying invisible takes priority), and if I can't, I just bear it. I don't meltdown or get visibly upset even when I feel like it's killing me inside, because that would draw too much attention. This one is not that abnormal and usually something my internal self already agrees with. The action isn't the problem here, it's the fact that I don't have a choice either way.

Crucially, despite everything I've said above, I feel no personhood from this part. I don't hear any distinct voices, no alien feelings, no frustration or disappointment when I try to fight against it. I don't think it has any sort of identity or agency of its 'programming', so to speak. I can't get into its space or understand its reasoning and it does not feel like me but it also doesn't feel like anyone else.

(As an aside, I'm gonna feel like an asshole if I ever find out that I've been trash talking an actual person/alter this whole time lmaoooo)

One of the hardest things about this, and the reason that I've only recently been bothered enough to look into it is because it's also just so helpful. It's so necessary for me to function enough to live. I can't speak without extensive scripting, I can't deal with ever-changing plans and schedules, I can't deal with the sensory overload of screaming children, I wouldn't entertain casual friendships, I wouldn't agree to the social outings or activities that get me out of the house... Etc.

Beyond the external help, I feel it's also necessary for me as a being. My internal self just feels so weak. I don't know what else to call it. I feel like if I ever fully surfaced and had to even look at someone in first-person point of view, it would kill me. It would wash me away, engulf me, and erase me in any way that matters. I just don't think my sense of self is strong enough to face other people.

If I'm paying attention to myself, there is a clear distinction between this phenomenon and executive dysfunction. Executive dysfunction feels like a “can’t” whereas this feels like a “won’t”. When I struggle with the former it’s usually related to task initiation and lack of momentum, and there’s always a reason even if that reason would seem silly to someone who doesn't experience it (i.e. there's too many steps, I don't know where to start, I'm sitting down and I need to be standing, I've arbitrarily decided I can't do this until XYZ happens, etc.). When my body decides for me though, I don't struggle initiating; I can get up and move and I can start a conversation but I am stopped or redirected (or perhaps I should be using active voice "I am stopping or redirecting myself"?) when trying to do certain things. The two symptoms may both be present when I'm not doing something, but there's a clear internal distinction between them. Not to mention, it doesn't explain the time when my body decides to add actions and words.

As with the previous paragraph, there also seems to be a distinction between this phenomenon and autistic masking. Autistic masking is a bit hard to define because it's more of a personal experience that changes based on one's environment. Masking is intentional. That doesn't mean it's always conscious or voluntary, but at some point you decided to imitate certain actions and modify your behaviors for some reason or another, typically as a child. If you can bring awareness to yourself and your actions, you can stop the masking, though sometimes this takes practice to do this consistently. There are several ways I do mask, both through the conscious part of me and the bodily part of me. If it’s my masking, while it may not always be a conscious effort initially, I can change the behavior if I notice it. If it’s part of my body’s actions, the effect I have is limited as with every other action my body decides to make.

I welcome any questions or comments anyone may have! I'm trying to better understand myself and clarify my experiences (and therefore learn what to do about them) so if you relate or have resources or whatnot, feel free to contribute

#syscourse #cluster a #schizoid personality disorder #szpd #madd #maladaptive daydreaming #actuallyautistic #um should i tag dissociative disorders ?#i only tagged syscourse for blacklisting purposes #I'd like opinions from people with DID/OSDD but idk what tags they use so I'll just leave it i guess #did #osdd

33 notes · View notes

vaguely-concerned · 4 years ago

Text

X-men Evolution; the great 2021 rewatch liveblog

exactly what it says on the tin, about halfway through the show I had TOO MANY FEELINGS and had to start writing some of them out haha (gets quite gambit & rogue/gambit heavy in the latter half, Because of Who I Am as a Person)

- this is my childhood’s x-men, my formative experience with them, and I’m happy to report that still seems like a good thing. the little eleven year old within me gets to geek out and have a good time with the characters and the surprisingly good animation and writing, adult me gets to CACKLE at regular intervals at the fashion/technology/absolute bonkers hot garbage comic book nonsense they use to justify a storyline every now and then, it’s been a good time

- I was like ‘ah well it is super dated it probably won’t be quite the same now’ and then rogue’s HAIR did the THING in the opening and ‘it’s all coming back to me now’ started playing in the background... the little baby queer in me swooning across time and space

- such a good beast, both his design and the writing, my heart aches for him all the time. he’s just so passionate! about being a teacher! helping young humans learn the stuff they’ll need in life! the most wonderful nerd man, just let good things happen for him

- I’m going to go ahead and assume that rogue’s ‘crush’ on scott is more of a deeply complex psychological process about desiring normalcy and intimacy and trying to figure out if she’s queer and dealing with her emerging sexuality and latching on to the first and best safely unavailable and nonthreatening older boy to project these issues onto rather than actually being a real thing, because I respect her so much as a person and I cannot bring myself to imagine she’s honestly attracted to a man who has POSTERS OF CARS on his bedroom wall. (I’ll give jean a break just because she seems to have a longer deeper history with him that might counteract some of that libido-kill, and also she’s a jock so lol)

like I am very sorry but can u imagine being a teenage girl with any interest in a boy with model cars in his bedroom when gambit’s swanning around being a much, much, much worse choice on almost every possible level but in a teen girl kryptonite kind of way? inconceivable

(I drag scott quite a few times in this and it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s just his tragedy to be the most draggable man in the world)

to be fair by the time gambit shows up that whole Situation has mostly played itself out I suppose but still

- toad’s design is so ineffably brilliant, I can’t quite tell you why but that ugly cute charm has really stuck with me, he’s one of the characters I remembered the best to this day just visually

- poor evan... he truly never had a chance, did he, they just saddled him with the most 90s teen bullshit they could come up with like he’s some kind of ‘what adult writers think teens like’ frankenstein’s monster ;______; it’s not your fault honey

- poor poor POOR storm, she gets one focus episode and they were like ‘we’re going to make an episode so racist -- ‘

I’m still STUNNED at how bad it was, but undeniably I laughed hysterically to the point that my neighbours were probably worried when that dude was earnestly like ‘He [stunningly breathlessly racist caricature of a ‘witch doctor’ guy] has stolen her powers, and he’s going to use them to take over Africa!!!’ fhajsdlfhsakjldfh oh really? tell me more, like how the fUCK this could be on television within my life time fasdlfhsdkjfhsad f just... fahjksdfh

- it’s a testament to gambit’s appeal as a character that his charm can survive what they’ve done with his hair and beard choices in this one fajskfhs regrettable but true I still fuckn LOVE him and in my highly biased yet Correct opinion he should have been around much more. get you a man who manages to stay hot through sheer Vibes even with a bowl cut

- aw scott/jean is kind of sweet in this show even if it’s taking them forEVER to get there, I like it

- it’s very nice of rogue to not mention magneto’s romantic daydreams and nostalgic memories about charles xavier after touching his face that one time... or maybe her brain did her a service and repressed it, there’s some stuff you shouldn’t have to know about your father figure

- the danger room is the very definition of ‘why do we even have that lever’ and I wonder what the fuck prof x does to have enough money to replace everything that gets busted all the time

- I’d say that a lot of the writing holds up surprisingly well! (but some of it is also incredibly inexcusably racist in ways that beggar belief, so... not full marks here) the characters have distinct voices and their arcs are set up and delivered on solidly for the most part, and there’s a lot of love showing through in small moments that are just there to have a funny/interesting thing to say about the characters and how their powers work separately and in combination. listen, sometimes I get so thirsty for like. basic goddamn competency in storytelling, let me have this

- ugggggh why is there captain america in my x-men have I not suffered enough... very very funny when prof x goes ‘sounds like you knew rogers personally’ and logan is like ‘I did ;)’ *all the students ganging up on steve rogers* “did you fuck our teacher, captain america?!”

- fskadfhas WHY are you showing me hot young-ified magneto’s ass fksjahfskj charles is not even here to see it, what a tragic waste erik

- ...I was sort of kidding before but uh I think logan genuinely did fuck captain america (or at least wishes very much that he did lol)

- wanda can have a little watching the world burn. as a treat for the way every single adult in her life has fucking failed her (’aren’t they treating you well here’ professor x she’s in a straightjacket)

- poor rogue tho can you imagine finding out after your biggest crush on a girl yet that she’s your fucking MOM in disguise... I would break out in cold sweat every time I thought about a boob forever after

- well seems like they really just had all that homoerotic rivalry stuff between quicksilver and spyke in their first ep only to never do anything with that again ever?? I mean even without the gay undertone that seems like a dynamic you spent most of an episode setting up writers what the hell haha

- dslhfkasjlh GAMBIT THERE HE IS MY BOY IS ON THE SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! I don’t even care about his awful hair situation or the fact that his eyes are wrong here (coloured contact lenses, maybe, for a watsonian explanation? though he’d probably have to get them made special, considering he needs the sclera and the iris covered up in different ways, I’ve seen some comic panels indicating he has been known to?)

(cute little detail: when he shuffles the cards the first time we see him he ends with removing the top card to show the ace of hearts beneath <3 foreshadowing baBEY he’s a... good-ish boy deep down. hey he tries okay shit gets complicated sometimes lol)

- cracking UP at gambit perched cheerily on the edge of a crate dispensing cards in the middle of the battle... he’s like ‘eh it’s a livin’ sfsajkhf remy stop working for supervillains just because you had nothing to do on a thursday afternoon and they said they’d pay you

- I’m guessing magneto must have imposed a strict order of silence on these guys or something because I cannot imagine any other reason for him to shut up, especially once he notices rogue is a QTE (or, far more likely, they hadn’t settled on any voice actors for the new characters until next season haha. it is kind of odd that they’re all keeping up near monastic silence, though, even sabertooth lol)

- WHAT an epic first meeting for us rogue/gambit fans here... first his shadow like there’s fireworks going off behind him lighting him up and then he gives her the fuckn king of hearts and she’s so enchanted by his dumb handsome face she doesn’t even notice it’s about to blow up in her hands and it all happens in heavily meaningful silence afjsdfjashjk no wonder this ship ingrained itself in my hindbrain

yeah look smug while you can remy she’s gonna have you on your knees one day and you’ll be happy about it lol

- god storm is so COOL, everything just fading out of focus when she really gets going... give her more screen time, show!!

- mystique is every person... this person... that person... that bird... that cat... that wolf... I’m not even sure she’s not also me... are you sure she’s not you?

- holy fuck I respect the hell out of the decision to just... blow up the entire status quo in a season ender, I only vaguely remembered that (actually in general I appreciate how good the continuity is -- buildings and places that get damaged in battles need to be repaired or rebuilt, it makes the consequences feel more real even when no one gets seriously hurt. where they get the money to restore scott’s car and logan’s motorbikes every time they go cablooie is still an open question tho lol is it credit card fraud, professor? is it telepathically acquired blackmail???)

- I first watched this when I was nine or so, so it’s a real experience to go from my starry eyed intrigued ‘oh my god... they’re teenagers’ to my horrified adult perspective of ‘oh my god... they’re TEENAGERS D:’

that goes double for the brotherhood boys honestly, I’m here with tears in my eyes like ‘I’m sorry the system has failed you so badly you’re all just a bunch of dumb kids whose caretakers clearly fucked up spectacularly’

like lance is always waiting for mystique to come back because she’s the closest thing he has to a safe parental figure, may we speak about how crushingly depressing that is

- rogue is so ready to throw hands at literally any moment and for that I love and treasure her immensely (I think getting to see her be so surly and unreasonable and sometimes difficult and jealous, like any teenager, meant a lot to me as a kid who was not really allowed to be any of these things, this version of the character has stayed with me so deeply. she holds on so fiercely to her right to feel what she feels and be what she is even when it’s ‘ugly’ or unreasonable, which I think plays in really interestingly with how her powers involve getting invaded by other people’s thoughts and memories to the point of overwhelming her own sense of self and the fact that she clearly has a lot of self-loathing and self-consciousness and confusion about her identity as well. I love her so much)

- oooof this is the ‘the gang experience a microaggression’ episode huh (well more like macroagressions really)

hits a bit different with adult eyes and perspective huh

- hearing jean sound almost like a child when she says ‘that’s so unfair!’ somehow has me like ;______; -- she has to be so adult and responsible all the time, and having her be reduced to the kid she still is and should get to be in front of this awful awful man she could squash like a bug with the flick of a thought... ugh I’m Big Sad (it is funny that jean seemingly plays Every Sport tho djfhaskj)

- MY BOY IS BACK!!! this time with the duster coat and his eyes the right colour, im so happy (too bad about the subdued colour scheme tho; I adore his dumb bright pink getup with my whole heart)

it’s kind of adorable that he takes the time to take the bullies aside and go ‘I know these guys can’t wreck you without getting expelled, but I think you’ll find no law set down by god or man would stop me from doing so whenever I wanted to. so piss off and leave them alone’ lol he’s looking out for them, in his own way

- in this episode: remy lebeau wrangles some kids while looking bored yet mildly amused the whole time. what the fuck does magneto have on you for you to agree to this level of babysitting duty buddy

- fun detail I noticed b/c when I get a fave I hyperfixate: he gave rogue the king of hearts before, but he ‘introduces’ himself to the brotherhood here (lol) with the jack of hearts, probably to symbolize he’s here as someone who works for magneto in this setting and not as his own man? it’s a demotion he’s given himself there, anyway, might be he’s not very pleased about his current position huh

- I like it when rogue and kitty team up, they’re not very effective together but their squabbling is so cute and non-aggressive

- pietro is what draco malfoy would be if I ever found malfoy interesting to watch for even one moment, every time quicksilver talks I’m like ‘what wonderfully insufferable thing is going to come out of your mouth this time you little shit :’)’

- a) why are scott and logan shirtless for this scene? I am not complaining on the logan side of things at least but why and b) I laughed so hard I almost fell off my couch when scott asked logan if he’d ever been in love and he was like ‘once. she was the most beautiful bike I ever saw’ falsdfhaskjfhsakjlfhasklhjfd THE BEST VERSION OF WOLVERINE EVER, ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

- mystique’s sheer dedication to being a petty bitch is kind of inspirational tbh, almost makes me want to go on a completely bonkers and extra crusade of personal revenge myself

- oooh they’re doing some genuinely cool things with vision/lack of vision in this one (it’s the scott left on his own in the desert without glasses one btw) even visually, dang! I’m so sad this show didn’t get more seasons than it did, honestly, it deserved it

- hell yeah jean wreck her, go get your man with the suspiciously specific clothing damage normally done to female characters

awww :’) okay yeah they’re super sweet, I love the tiny loving animation details like how he leans his head against her and her stroking his hair away from his eyes

- nooo don’t bully evan leave my t0tally r4dical sk8er boy alone :(

- I love the running joke of people fleeing in blind panic only to reveal that what they’re running from is kitty’s cheerful well meaning little face fskfaskh

- scott and jean are already peak married after officially being together for one episode and it’s adorable, and they just stone cold threw logan under the bus, rip wolverine we hardly knew ya

fjasdlfasldfhslajdkfhsadkjlfhsdkjalfhsdakfh h jean establishing herself as the alphabitch of this relationship by throwing her man to the wolves right after dsjfhaskjfhaskjhfsakjdhfaskjhfaskdhfskjahfskdajhf get smarter or get volunteered scott

- ...eyepatch lady is so hot ngl

oh evan went to the place hank used to go to calm down ;________; (honestly he’s kind of won a place in my heart just by being a pretty normal teenage boy haha)

- jesus fucking CHRIST can you imagine being storm having to look her sister in the eye as she tells her ‘I lost your only child, he’s *vague gesture* somewhere in the sewers we think’ this poor woman

- amanda the self admitted monster fucker you are so VALID (I love her and her family’s design so much tho!)

- it’s so cool that even in his human ‘disguise’ kurt’s fingers follow the shape of his actual hand beneath it rather than moving like a five fingered hand, it’s such a lovingly consistent little detail

- magneto and mystique in a breathless race to see who can be the shittiest parent... tune in next week for yet another parental nadir (also some low-poly gambit appearances in this one, for those at home keeping score (me), he’s in the background looking like someone drew him with their eyes closed fakjldfhasd look how they massacred my boy)

- someone please teach the brotherhood boys about consent huh

- jean ‘soccer mom before her time’ grey and her SUV dfhakjlhds :’)

- im sobbing rogue baby girl i’m so sorryyyyyy, this voice actress is so good, my parental instincts suddenly kicked into overdrive hearing the crack in her voice :( (bb me was right tho rogue centric episodes ARE the best episodes. that tension between ‘do I identify witn this character or am I crushing on her?? both???’ now has the fun new addition of ‘oh god oh no you are a baby I want to shield you with my body from everything trying to hurt you’)

- mystique is like ‘so you see despite you telling me you never wanted to see me again I completely disrespected that and posed as a friend your age, manipulated you by offering you the mirage of direly needed emotional intimacy and belonging and added some sprinkles of homoerotic tension to it just to massively worsen your already existing grievous psychosexual trauma and identity issues... out of love’

god go jump in a black hole you fucking monster

- there’s some very interesting and quite subtle subtext about the people she’s morphing into and what that says about her mental state/how it shows off some of her emotional baggage with the rest of the team. it’s like she’s switching between people/powers that fit the purpose as if she’s going through cycles of fight/flight (and then bursts of freeze where she’s herself, which is... so sad)

- this whole episode is hurting my heart but rogue at full power is undeniably epic

- ‘professor x get your goddamn act together and get this poor girl some fucking tHERAPY’ challenge

- SAFE PAPA LOGAN ;_____;

- EYYYYYY opening straight on My Lad, I cannot stop winning!!!!!

fasdfhsad disintegrating the window with a smiley face... remy I do love you more than my heart can bear honestly, hello may we speak about the fact that his urge to be a little shit is so deep and strong it survives mind control (that little breathed out ‘hiah!’ as he vaults the fence too dsakfjsd)

hahaha and he does up the coat fhsalfdsaj

- magneto dismissing other telepaths like ‘puh-lease, your Meaningful Looks have got nothing on my ex-husband’s’

- :’) rogue and kurt sibling timeees

- say what you want but this pyro guy’s got job satisfaction in being a creepy arsonist with a weird recurring horse theme (well at least twice but still weird)

- I love how beast is the kindest man to ever walk the earth but also straight up savage, this man drags people so hard their ancestors wince in their graves

- gambit taking the time to complete the guard’s game of solitaire -- this episode is giving me everything I want. u little disgrace mr lebeau

and THEN he takes the spider out in the most hilariously bonkers way my heart is so FULL

(I love that when magneto moves by he looks startled and has to quickly move his head out of the way to avoid getting kicked in the temple too that’s a fun detail)

I’m so INTO how this sequence shows off that his greatest strength isn’t even his powers (which are pretty straightforward, really, he makes go boom, longer time and bigger thing bigger boom) but that he’s clever and creative and always extremely ready to be the most harebrained-bananapants-extra-in-a-deceptively-laidback-sort-of-way person in the room (I actually have some genuinely Deep Thoughts about how his whole character does a really interesting thing with having the straightforwardly destructive nature of his powers yield to what his nature as a person is, and how using the playing cards play (heh) into it, maybe I’ll write it out some day. just the fact that he could use anything, but he deliberately chose something that adds style and playfulness and corny charm to it and that also limits the damage of the explosions compared to if he habitually used something with more mass... I find it fascinating how much he’s made a story around himself with it and how deeply it shows he does have a good heart, at the end of the day, in almost a metatextual way. he doesn’t want to destroy things or people, he’s at worst (and best lol) a thief.)

- I honestly have literally no memory of white nick fury (which seems so weird now isn’t it funny) in this series from when I was a kid, he clearly did not make an impression on me lol

- mr wolverine ‘assigned canadian at birth’ x-men

- oh man I dig the androgynity of x-23′s outfit (even tho they had to compensate with the long hair, which... kind of doesn’t make sense in-universe but does on a design level because it’s a crucial thing that she’s a female clone of logan so yeah okay fine whatever have your arbitrary gender markers if you must haha)

ooooooh that’s actually really clever, they make her gender gradually more obvious as she unravels through the episode and her outfit changes -- first the mask coming off, and then her jacket opening to show her silhouette more clearly, that’s cool!

- my god what really sets this show apart is how much it invests in little character and relationship moments, it’s just so fucking GOOD! it gives laura looking in on those moments such depth and weight because it’s new to her but established to us as an audience, this is how you make found family devastating people (storm growing bonsai trees is so charming too haha)

- ooof this is honestly quite harrowing

SHE’S SO SMALL COMPARED TO HIM I’M CRYING (at least that part of his genes translated over faslkfsjdh short king, I say this with all the love and support of a fellow short monarch)

- tabitha seems to just be running around doing precisely whatever the fuck she wants and you know what I support her even if she is an asshole her father left her a bunch of trauma and no fucks left to give

- still thrilled about professor x explaining the spider key fuckup to magneto after the fact like ‘magnus you dumb bitch this is why we split up’

- awww kitty has anime and movie posters on her wall and sleeps with a stuffed toy :’)

- remy rogue

🤝

doing completely unnecessary parkour around the brotherhood living room seemingly just for the hell of it... I’m not saying soulmates but fucking soulmates

- fhsadkjlfhsakjldfhsadjkfhsdajkfh just as gambit’s soul-level need to be a little shit survived his bout of mind control, rogue’s deep and urgent desire to kiss gambit full on the mouth survived hers I can’t breathe

she looks so pleased with herself too GOOD FOR YOU GIRL at least get something out of this other than more trauma

also not only the fact that he’s smart enough to figure out what’s going on (though he’s only partially right about who’s behind it. I do so enjoy gambit/mystique deep and sincere antipathy as a constant across all universes tho lmao pure wlw/mlm hostility) but also that he keeps fending her off like he’s not trying to hurt her even though she’s in nigh on unstoppable and invulnerable terminator mode... awww

- gambit having absolutely no patience for wolverine and sabertooth’s bullshit macho-off and consistently being this little biker trio’s one brain cell is adding years to my life with every passing moment

his voice is a little different in these scenes too, a bit softer and less like he’s trying to impress someone, it’s nice

- hank: well I barely recognize any of these (completely made up) ‘ancient egyptian hieroglyphs’ but from what I can make out -- *proceeds to infodump a perfect coherent narrative* fjdhfak

listen this whole thing is such nonsense on so many levels, I’m just turning my brain off so I won’t have to think about it okay, the compulsion to put ancient aliens in egypt haunts us as a culture

- I am CACKLING about gambit in the snow after having to listen to these two chucklefucks ooze testosterone at each other for hours

he started out taking it in good cheer and is now reduced to ‘dieu would both of you just jump off this fUCKING mountain please’

- ah. a little oops-a-daisy there, we seem to have unleashed the apocalypse. please stand by (they really don’t pull their punches with the season cliffhangers in this show haha)

- opening the season on gambit’s merrily grinning face is the easiest way to gain my favour. yes good this season may commence

baby u r my

ANGELLLLLLLL

(he’s so cute here tho haha I think it shows the design isn’t unsalvagable, just get him better hair and stubble more like logan has and you’ve basically got it)

love his exasperated eyeroll when the dude gets spooked (by his eyes? or just the general weirdness?) too

he’s just trying to keep this crazy family of evil mutants together and unmurdered by one another until they’ve managed to avert the end of the world, bless him

- oh NO rogue’s LIP wobbles my hhhhhheart ;____; such a good animation detail to put in

- like... I know kurt is just a sad scared teenager with a lot of shit going on and all the adults are too busy averting the end of the world to help him... but buddy maybe don’t ask your sister to wake her abuser (who forced her to kickstart the end of the world!!!!!) when she feels utterly unsafe even with her statue version around huh

- ...wanda is good and I want only good things for her. and for her dad to be disemboweled for what he did to her both the first time around and when he forced her to forget I mean what

- magneto throwing an epic satelite-slinging tantrum b/c ‘no I am the biggest sexiest strongest mutant of the pack :(’... erik fucking get over yourself

- yes boys absolutely go along with a plan suggested by a dude who looks at you like this

nothing bad can come of this surely asdfkhsa

- lance’s quarter of a braincell always trying to go ‘hey wait, maybe... not do this???’ and it never helps lol

- in this episode: Logan Has A Bad Day

...some very specific bondage positions he’s held in here, I am sure this episode awakened something in someone once upon a time lol

- logan shielding x-23 with his body... im fine it’s okay I’m not crying don’t look at me

- afsdhlsdfjasdlk those sure are some ‘scottish’ accents flsadkjhkdsjahfsd

- scott relieved to finally be able to cede the position of ‘charles xavier’s least favourite son’ to someone else fjsaklfhsajd (poor scott it’s not your fault honey)

supremely cowardly to suggest there is an ex-wife involved rather than charles slutting his way around the british isles back in the day but okay

- kurt with a cold is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. it’s okay kid it’ll get better soon

- ...is there an implication here that professor x is naturally blond. because I am losing my entire little mind about it (i mean he at least has to carry the gene, as does this lady?)

ETA: upon doing some research into this I can indeed confirm that charles xavier does seem to be naturally blond, and after this knowledge I will never be the same

- “listen, dracula” fskdafghasd oh scott you sweet baby angel I love you

- I know jean’s abilities are a bit ‘as strong or as weak as the plot needs right now’ at this point (so you can have the setup for what’s going to happen with them eventually and she’s basically invincible ;____;), and normally I’m cool with it but god I want her to just squash lucas like a little bug

- ewwwww please don’t ever say ‘daddy’ like that again

- ...what the fuck is even going on this episode’s a mess

like okay the split personality thing could be something but the way it’s done... what just happened lol

- MY BOY EVAN IS BACK! with a real glowup too (...though kind of weird how he suddenly looks like a grown man)

- augh scott’s eyes are so pretty oh my god ;__________________________;

- that episode in the first season where evan makes the ‘this is my new family!!’ video is so sad now (also, again, his poor poor parents)

- time for: life affirming road trip with gambit (involuntary) faskljdfhaskjd

stunt therapist remy lebeau

- I mean the way he goes about it is batshit insane and it’s very much secondary to what he’s actually up to but this is the first time rogue’s sounded genuinely hopeful and confident and like herself in like a season <3

- he is disconcertingly pleased about her nearly throwing him off the train, and may I just say I agree it’s so nice to see rogue with her old fire back

- the first time I watched this it was of course dubbed into norwegian, so I had no idea either of these characters were southern lol (though to be fair I probably wouldn’t have had much context for what it meant exactly either, I was like ten at the time and not too interested in america) I seem to dimly remember the norwegian voice actor did a little more of a ‘french’-tinged accent for gambit all over tho haha

- you know what respect where it’s due, pyro dude knows to live his life for the lols and one has to admire his sociopathic dedication to it

interesting that he, too, seems to have fucking hated magneto -- I wonder if the implication here is that he kept all the acolytes in line with blackmail or by keeping something/one hostage? (except sabertooth maybe he’d just have to say ‘you get to fuck shit up and fight wolverine’ and that’d be enough)

- fsdakfhsd he’s so focused on her he doesn’t notice that guy about to hit him fkafhsa

- fuck everything else except whatever the hell these two’ve got going on

- it’s weirdly cathartic to have rogue have a conversation with someone who was not happily adopted as well, I don’t think kurt like. gets it because his parents loved him unconditionally and still do

birds of a feather motherfucker

- fun detail: when the x-men team are on the shore and logan is sniffing around scott is stepping in something and trying to wipe it off his boots in the background

- when he wakes up after passing out from the touch he’s smiling even though she’s standing over him looking like the rage of god outlined by the moon fsajfsa well the last time he passed out like that it was from a kiss, maybe he still has some hopes and dreams in that direction lol (also he recovers from the tumble down the hill first and is checking on her before accidentally brushing her cheek with his hand, which I thought was sweet)

and it was in that moment he knew he fucked up *passes out*

- ‘I can explain’ can u remy. can u

- did it ever even occur to you to just. ask her. to help you. I mean I know it didn’t but like rogue’s always one second away from throwing hands with some bully and is stupidly ride or die, if you’d given her the puppydog eyes she would have crumbled immediately (fair enough I guess this entire episode is telling us he’s not from a background where he has much experience with people just helping him without a price haha)

- his eyes glowing when he’s angry or upset or using a lot of his power is undeniably cool as all hell. I’m just saying it would be Big Sexy if they sort of flickered with light in moments of genuine vulnerability okay

- his coat... his coat is what makes the Silhouette tm and I could not be happier about it

- another parent of the year contestant enters the running lol “hey remy have you ever considered that you’re more of a walking bomb factory than a person? that’s certainly how I think of you hahaha c’mon kid let’s go”

- the running joke of jean luc getting dollar signs in his eyes seeing the other mutant powers and gambit being like ‘nO!!!!’ and pulling him along is amazing haha

- from the way he looks when he touches rogue accidentally and the way he talks to his dad I’m sort of getting the feeling this gambit might actually be a bit younger than he looks?

here too -- idk why but it’s making the ‘wait is he baby???’ alarms go off in my head haha. very early twenties at most.

- and we’ve officially seen him with all the face cards in the heart suit folks! (yes this is the sort of thing my brain notices no I don’t know either)

- poor logan running his ass off this whole episode in a panic and then she’s like ‘nah he’s fine (in several meanings of the word ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) please put him down’ hfaskfsda

- rogue without makeup!!! her eyes look so naked like this haha <3

- oooh here’s a really interesting thing that tickles my brain a bit in this specific part of the scene where gambit frees his dad -- the part where he’s leaning against the door frame waiting for jean luc, who’s about to suggest using the opportunity to ruin the rival gang from the inside rather than slipping away while they still can

from his expression here he knows what’s about to happen, what jean luc is about to say, and it’s clearly a ‘man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had’ sort of situation. he KNOWS what jean luc is like, and it still hurts that he really, honestly can’t give him even this, can’t appreciate that remy’s already done all this shit for him when he extremely didn’t have to, without immediately (no really, it took him less than ten seconds to go there? jesus) demanding more.

remy tells him “I’m just here for you” and jean luc does not understand it. remy seems to be sincere in this motivation -- rogue certainly thinks so, having experienced it second hand and found enough at least emotional merit in it to decide he was worth saving even after all his bullshit (lol a bit of a running theme maybe. I think it’s very telling that after she absorbed mystique she was like ‘what the FUCK you’re a fucking monster’, and after she absorbed gambit she went ‘you did the wrong thing for the right reasons’ after she got over the first wave of outrage)

there’s also what he says as he stands there: “You don’t need me for that”, with the distinct implication that jean luc would only keep him around because he has a use for him and for no other reason -- and then jean luc shamelessly doubles down on that by specifying that it’s not even him he’s got a use for as such, just his powers. that’s some kicking puppies level of deliberately missing the point, it’s almost impressive in how cheerfully mean it is haha

this idea of using people is really important in this episode because remy’s doing basically exactly the same thing to rogue to begin with; it doesn’t really matter to his plan that it’s her that’s with him through this, just what her powers are. (I think it’s p r e t t y solidly implied that he does actually like her a lot outside of that too and maybe there is some comfort in having her around for this, but mostly he’s behind a smokescreen of lies through the whole thing sooo I doubt he’s even aware of it, honestly)

but then it does matter that it’s her when she comes back for him, even after what he did. and unlike jean luc he understands what that means, that she did that for him, and that she didn’t have to. and instead of asking her for more, in return he gives her the thing it’s been established is what he considers the most valuable thing he has; his ‘last card’, the thing he’s credited with keeping him alive many a time, basically. it’s gone from using to mutuality, a tentative place of friendship, and at the end of the day he is a different man than his adoptive father, with a capacity for selflessness and love he lacks. which is of course some of the same stuff going on with rogue and mystique too, except rogue acted from a more fragile and unstable place and did something she regrets, or at least has a LOT of doubts about now, and she found some catharsis in helping someone make a different choice in a similar situation. man there’s some Stuff going on under the surface here haha

(by the way it’s a weirdly... meaningless yet intensely meaningful thing, the gifting of a symbol? of an idea? but he’s putting something very crucial of himself into her hands, is the subtext, and he expects her to understand, which she also does seem to do. at the beginning of the episode he’s proving that he’s seen something true about her -- “You’re such an unhappy girl”, knowing where she comes from, the way she’s mourning her lost confidence and autonomy with her abilities -- and here she’s proving she’s seen something true about him. :’) I wish this show had gone on long enough for this dynamic to progress, it’s really interesting and touching)

- gambit dragging himself up onto dry land seeing someone approaching (to help?!): :D

gambit seeing that it’s logan and the look on his face: D:

- rogue using her powers so confidently and fearlessly in this episode tho!!!!

- *me crying* and then her FAMBILY comes to take her home and he says he’s looking out for her too and kurt still loves her even though they’re having a conflict thing between them and she’s finally able to use her powers without so much fear again and --

- ...did I just watch some baby lesbian love at first sight shit right now???

- okay last two episodes let’s go

- HELL YEAH STORM (I love that she’s like ‘don’t give me a dumb order like that and I won’t have to disobey it’ too sdfjsaj) her voice has such command I’m usually very much not the ‘step on me’ type butttt

- y’know I feel like apocalypse’s main fault across all versions I’ve seen of him is that he’s like an immortal superpowered god king and he’s not even sexy. like at least make him hot if he’s going to be insufferable in every other way

- also callout post for apocalypse: one time he made gambit into the Horseman of Death... and didn’t even make him sexy!!! you were handed remy lebeau, supreme bi disaster slut of the x men universe, and you couldn’t even make his brainwashed superpowered evil side hot?? a beautiful stubbled twunk with glowing red eyes and extremely charming :> face practically delivers himself into your hands and you do that to him???? I mean I’m sure apocalypse did some other bad stuff too but that was the worst one

(comics are so dumb y’all)

- having to watch jean cry is emotional terrorism!! ;___; she has such older sister/mom energy, whenever she gets sad and helpless it hurts

- oh, OH so PROFESSOR X you’ll make into a hunk and ~*strategically*~ rip his clothes to show off a nipple and a flawless pec in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable because he’s like The Dad??? apocalypse you are rotten to the core this is unforgivable

- so wait wanda never actually gets her real memories back. what the FuCk I hope that was a dropped storyline because they ended the show tragically prematurely rather than like. the plan

- why is spyke calling storm ‘storm’ show that’s his auntie o!! >:(

- as a society we need to acknowledge that apocalypse looks like a fucking clown

- ooooh yeah I have been thinking that this show’s greatest visual weakness so far has been not having a visual way to show telepathy/battles of the minds, but this is a pretty cool way to do it! better late than never

- I’m so happy rogue gets to end this herself, since she was forced into starting it against her will, it’s just nice and neat storytelling

- YEAH FUCKING TELL HER KURT AND ROGUE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and she has the temerity to look pissed off oh my god

the only valid thing mystique has done in her entire life is be in love with destiny. literally everything else she gets up to is a travesty. like I know objectively she’s hot but my loathing for her stops me from even appreciating it. I do enjoy loathing her tho so please don’t change her haha

(a bit odd to have kurt’s attitude to her swing so much but I’m just going to assume he and rogue had a good long conversation after ‘cajun spice’ and that he understands what’s going on better now)

- this last part is such a cruel tease faskdfhsdaj ‘here are all the cool-ass things we had planned. sucks you never get to see it huh’ im devastated

- magneto without his helmet and playing charmingly with children like charles is going ‘well at least I saved my marriage finally’ fsadkhfjsd (honestly tho I would be super interested in seeing how they’d redeem this magneto because he’s been a real bitch the whole time lol)

there’s an interesting thing here where magneto looks down at wanda as the last thing he does on screen before this epilogue part (yeah I hope it fucking haunts you forever what you did to her erik you absolute piece of hot garbage) and the last thing charles does is look at jean b/c he knows what’s going to happen to her and it breaks his heart... Dramatic Parallells

- just the hint of jean as the phoenix has me in full D:D:D: mode tho maybe I wouldn’t have survived it

- gambit in the last groupshot with his arm around rogue ;^) I mean I’m sure they’re headed for some turns and roundabouts along the way but what’s that thing she says as her wedding vow, that she’ll always find her way back? anyway that got me in my heart

- man I really wish this show had been given more seasons, we were barely even getting warmed up here :’(

#x men evolution #x men #gambit #rogue x gambit #aaah this is like therapy for me... just dumping all my emotions into a tumblr post and then let them go into the ether #I am now wondering if I'm desperate enough to go all the way back to the x-men animated series (which I've never seen before!)#like am I willing to go there for more Contente. time will tell I suppose #happy tag #...this is very long #MAN why can't I channel this dumbass energy into fiction writing I'd get so much DONE

87 notes · View notes

mirrinbelde-shitposts · 3 years ago

Note

Heyyy!

Here fr d game!

Umm im guessing ur an pisces mercury*hehe jst types wht comes to mind at 1st

Also i wont mind if u post it publicly or send me privately

Here is my birthchart(tropical)

Lawl SUSPENSE..Hehe

Anw Have a great day/night ahead🤍🥂

Guessing was fun tho..evn if i guessed wrng one💀🤣

Hey!! You did guess wrong, sorry about that xd but it's oki, don't worry about it! Have a good day too ^^

Welcome to your reading. Please remember to send feedback.

First impressions when looking at your chart: you don't have a lot of aspects, but a lot of them are exact: that wedge patter between Saturn, Venus and Mercury is very exact; you have an even distribution of planets among the signs and the houses; also, the angles (except IC) all conjunct planets or points

SUN IN AQUARIUS

As an Aquarius, you are quirky, aloof, dreamy and humanist. People may think you're awkward and detached, which is probably true for you since your Sun is at 0º of Aquarius. Your originality and uniqueness are probably the things you love about yourself the most. Your mind is also quite agile, which allows you to fulfil your dreams. Nevertheless, we cannot ignore the fact that the Sun is in Detriment in the sign of Aquarius. This means that the Sun can struggle here, making you feel confused as to who you are and how you can express yourself. You very much value your independence and your rebelliousness. However, you can be stubborn to a fault when it comes to your thoughts and opinions.

SUN IN THE 7TH HOUSE

The Sun in the house of Libra shows that you really enjoy socializing and that's also where you shine the most brightly. The Venusian influence gives you charm and elegance, which cause people to flock to you. Also, you may show your true colours in relationships, particularly romantic ones. Having someone close to you will allow you to achieve a better understanding of yourself. You do well when it comes to working with others; this placement helps the detached, independent Aquarius Sun to be more sociable and better appreciate others. Also, the Venus influence can make people look up to you and see themselves in you, something that doesn't really happen with Aquarius Suns in generally. You may do well in associations or organizations because you have a need to be in society.

MOON IN CAPRICORN

Once again, you have a planet in Detriment. Capricorn, the sign of Saturn, struggles to feel and voice the emotions they experience. Therefore, it is natural that the Moon finds this sign difficult. You think too much. Perhaps you had a complicated relationship with your mother, which may have caused you to repress your emotions. Capricorn placements, in general, tend to grow up and mature quite early, which leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms; you had to raise your walls up high, so you struggle to let anyone in. You may also be socially awkward. At the same time, you may seek validation from society, which is one of the things that may give you that emotional security that you deeply seek. You should work on letting your guard down; emotions are not the enemy, it's okay to feel what you feel. Let out your inner child once in a while.

MOON IN THE 6TH HOUSE

Here, the Moon is in the house of Virgo (but lying almost on top of the Descendant). There is a strong connection between body and mind. You seek emotional safety through your work and other acts of service; you want to be useful to people and to spend your time wisely. You may be a workaholic. Your routines are very important to you; you can get distraught if someone messes with your daily habits. Your health may be a concern to you, but since your Moon is harmoniously aspected, I'd say you're generally healthy. Nevertheless, watch for any hereditary diseases or problems with food or alcohol. The square with Mars suggests to me that you can quickly let out your anxieties. You like discipline, organization and cleanness; you are determined in the pursuit of your goals. You may have a vocation to work directly with people. Your moods may change quickly.

MERCURY IN CAPRICORN

With Mercury in Capricorn, you speak in a very structured, pondered way. You are very analytical and it shows in the way you communicate. You're a realist, but people may think you're more pessimistic. You definitely tend to be pessimistic at times, as well as distrustful and sceptical. You like to research, to gather information before speaking. You're concrete in your thinking, logical and organized. You take your time to make decisions; you weigh all the pros and cons carefully. Probably not the one to daydream or have many fantasies; you prefer the realistic and achievable. Although you're mostly serious, you can be playful sometimes.

MERCURY IN THE 6TH HOUSE

Capricorn Mercury is similar to Mercury in the house of Virgo. You are probably a perfectionist person, determined and organized. You analyse everything, yourself and your emotions included. You're very critical, especially of yourself. You hold everyone to high standards; once again, yourself the most. Like Capricorn Mercury, you can have pessimistic tendencies. You probably repress your feelings and rationalize them instead. Additionally, your knowledge can progress through daily life experiences and through your body. You should practice meditation and mindfulness because your anxiety and stress may have a direct effect on your bodily health.

VENUS IN PISCES

Venus is exalted in Pisces. This sign is intuitive, empathetic and emotional, which are traits that Venus likes. You feel everything and negative energies really get to you, so it's important that you find a partner that gives you emotional stability. You make a good lover, for you are caring and sensitive to people's needs, especially your partner's. Venus here gives you ethereal, alluring vibes. You can seem almost magical to people. You can be very protective of those you love, selfless; you can even sacrifice yourself for them. You're a daydreamer, you live in your own fantasy world. You have great aesthetic taste and you're quite romantic. However, be careful not to be taken advantage of; your too-good nature can land you someone whose intentions are far from the best.

VENUS IN THE 8TH HOUSE

Venus here acquires some Scorpio traits, namely the need to get a deep connection with someone. You are a person of extremes, not of middle-terms. In this sense, you can get effortlessly get people to open up to you, to tell you their deepest, darkest secrets. Since the (H also rules other people's money, you may get rich through an inheritance or a good marriage. Also, people may trust you with their money. In love, too, they aspire to learn everything about their partner. You seek transformative relationships, ones that will allow you to experience a different range of emotions, another dimension, even. Casual relationships are probably not your thing. You can get too controlling and dominating, so beware of that. Also, financial security is important to you; you may even have a job that has directly to do with money.

ARIES MARS

Here, Mars is in its rulership. You are quite reckless and impulsive in your actions. You like to be the first, to be the pioneer (much like Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac). You have a knack for leadership and people tend to be happy to follow your lead. You are quite competitive in just about everything; you can have a sour loser. You are quick to get mad, but after you explode, your anger will be gone in an instant. You are great at achieving goals because Mars helps you to stay motivated and determined; you are quite persistent and usually get what you want. You can also work well under pressure. Laziness is not in your blood. Your independence is quite important to you, as are your opinions. You can be quite stubborn and difficult to argue with, simply due to your relentlessness.

MARS IN THE 9TH HOUSE

Your Mars is in the house of Sagittarius. This placement allows you to acquire the necessary willpower for the journey to the expansion of knowledge and discovery. Your actions should help you with the acquisition of further knowledge, as well as ideas and strengthening your freedom. This placement goes against the need of routine imposed by your 6th house placements; Mars here wants you to get out there, be free, have fun, think about life, yourself and the universe. You have strong morals and philosophical ways. This placement may make you strongly seek, hunt, even, the truth of the fundamental questions. On another note, you can develop an attraction to foreign people and may wish to move away from home swiftly and without hesitation. This can be abroad too.

JUPITER IN VIRGO

Jupiter is in Detriment in Virgo. Whilst Jupiter is all about philosophy, the higher mysteries and expansion, Virgo seeks for the concrete, for what it knows, for the logical and rational. Therefore, this placement requires work. You are sceptical, you need to think and analyse everything before you come to a conclusion. Growth is achieved through responsibilities and being useful to others. A bit of idealism would be good, Jupiter struggles in Earth signs. You may think that you know more than you actually do, that you see the bigger picture when that is not true. Be careful not to grow an ego. Your beliefs will be challenged in this lifetime. You have a desire to help people, and in relationships too you want to do everything in your power to aid your partner.

JUPITER IN THE 2ND HOUSE

This placement generally brings good luck when it comes to money and other worldly possessions. You may also like to spend money, more on your loved ones than on yourself. You may be big into giving gifts. In order to reach that emotional security, you may wish to surround yourself with material items that, to you, hold great value and importance. Once you understand how better to acquire that stability, you may become rather generous with your money. You want a comfortable lifestyle. Like Venus in the 8th house, you may be good at managing your possessions, thus causing others to go to you for financial advice. You may not show it, but you have strong philosophical convictions, which may prove to be impossible to change.

SATURN IN CANCER

Saturn is in Detriment here, which makes it four planets in Detriment in your chart. You may feel a strong need for emotional safety, which could manifest as a fear of abandonment. There may also be some emotional blockages present that you struggle to overcome. Saturn retrograde, being the planet of Karma, may difficult your mission in life. You could be stuck on an unresolved trauma from a past life. This may be represented by a figure of authority in this life, perhaps your father. Instead of attempting to reconcile your past, try to accept the world changing around you. You may be too afraid to venture into the world and to open your heart; accept that it is part of life. Find people that give you that security, but don’t pour out your entire soul to them; find a balance. Not everything can be kept in our hearts, but not everything should be shared, either.

SATURN IN THE 12TH HOUSE

This is quite a strong and powerful placement: you have the planet of karma in the most karmic house. Also, according to Hellenistic Astrology, Saturn has its joy in the 12th house. You may be afraid to mess with the subconscious because your emotions may overtake you. Saturn is related to blockages and yours may be due to paranoia, which is characteristic of Neptune and Pisces. You may repress parts of yourself that you are not happy about, which makes you feel better, but, at the same time, paranoia can set in and make you wonder if that is the right thing to do. That aside, you may also struggle with poor self-esteem and doubts about yourself and life. There can be problems of guilt of some sort, perhaps even related to your life itself. It is very vague, but my thoughts about this placement are, in short, that, from birth, there have been deep traumas within you that have blocked your inner peace. What does are, I do not know. ⬛️

#astrology #game ask #my stuff

11 notes · View notes

raat-jaaga-paakhi · 5 years ago

Text

In Bimonthly Discussions with Shaon Di’s @distapata. - II

Responding to this post.

Much like you, Shaon Di, it varies from project to project for me, as it probably should. I will mostly take what I call my master-fandom in consideration here, because it’s what I am focusing on currently and...well, haha, since the canon is in public domain, the master-WIP is as much fanfiction as it is an original work. ;P

Considering there is this huge bunch of canon that I mostly need to stick to (like you), if only to take the skeleton (main events, plot - you know the drill) of the story and considering I have been fangirling over Mahabharata et al for some 6 years now, I can’t really say how much is enough for me to find it worthy to be written, to invest huge-ass hours and all. But well, in my messed-up head, nothing is ever enough for something as vast as this. I keep forming theories and I keep forming HCs about character motivations, about the politics and the society...heck, I even keep oscillating between what timeline I will put this in, since it decides how I see the culture in those days, and world-building is arguably fully dependent on the time period. So, yeah, there’s that, for one.

Like you, I too am a passionate daydreamer (*cough* role-playing behind closed doors and getting caught and laughed at by family *cough*), and I think up this...rather audacious scenarios that I can never put into a “serious” project, lol. I am one of those damned people who lean towards not writing stuff which doesn’t sit within the soul of canon. I absolutely adore reading canon divergences (and in my “serious WIPs” I am even rather cruel to those canon stuff that doesn’t seem to flow with respect to the body of the text, the individual characters, and either cut them off, or tweak them as far as justifications can go), but writing AUs is not my cup of tea. I am the sad small bean, that can only daydream. *makes pitiful face* ;P

The only time I am accepting of AUs in my own works is when an alternate scenario plays out in my character’s head, when they themselves think of what-ifs...and well, then it isn’t really an AU, is it? It is like a... teaser, of what could have been, for both the character within and the reader without.

Rest of my process is rather frighteningly similar to Shaon Di’s linear method under “fanfiction”, as you can see in this post. Haha, thanks to you, I don’t have to try to sort out the mess in my head more, lol. ;D

I look at the master-fandom as I would at an original work, with harsh scrutiny, and since, er, what we call “canon” is rather full of inconsistencies itself, I gotta treat these people as original characters too. Also, there is the dearth of female characters overall, and I balk at things like “oh, the text doesn’t mention Satyabhama’s mother, so she is dead, yay”. Um, no. Literature is full of dead and dying women, and for the sake of what? So there is that - I have to weave in original dynamics between these “new” characters and the canon ones. And this is only one example of the original stuff I have to insert. There is a lot of reading between the lines, too, which I guess any serious fanfiction writer would do. Basically what Shaon Di herself said about filling all the holes.

Also also, regarding the time period, if one has to do some dating, we will find the Mahabharata is most likely to fall in the transition from Bronze to Iron Age (at least in my mind), which is what one may call the “Vedic period”, which…kinda has a completely different organisational setting than what we see in the Mahabharata text? (Let’s not even speak of the TV adaptations.) For one, there is hardly any rigid, hierarchical “caste” structure (may I quickly say that Purusha Suktam is kinda misunderstood - they saw words like Brahmin-Shudra etc. and they just jumped “here’s the caste system, Rig Veda advocates casteism!”), or a repression of females (which one may still debate, yes). There is this famous hymn which seems to strongly advocate democracy. Basically, much different from the social structure as we see in Mahabharata. In a nutshell, I have a lot of extrapolations to do, since when a “story” is actually written down (and by whom) has a lot to do with the canon portrayals.

I will unashamedly quote Shaon Di here, because she gives this excellent, brilliant, Medha-has-no-words-except-incoherent-ahs-and-hms-and-yasss analogy of how she views a story (because I am not this eloquent by far, and I have only rambled in a very unorganized manner throughout this, lol) –

Think of your story like a human body.

Skeleton is the theme. The concept.

Blood is the undercurrents, the 'vibe’.

Organs are the characters.

Veins and arteries are the relationships.

Flesh is your plot.

Skin is the sub plots and side plots.

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha, look at this! (I am cutting out a lot of my shameless fangirling here, much to the displeasure of Shaon Di herself, because…eh, I can get far too excited about you freakishly intelligent, inspiring, creative people.) This is just so perfect! *chef’s kiss*

For me too, as long as I have got a nice grasp of the skeleton, organs, blood, veins and arteries, I have got it under control. Who are you duping, Medha, you are so out of it. I am not too concerned about flesh and skin because, eh, I believe in letting the organs, veins and arteries guide it. It is more...organic that way, I feel. Lol, this became kinda too biological; I can’t articulate like Shaon Di.

What actually gets stuff into my to-write list is based (very broadly) on: (1) Can I pull this off? (2) Am I invested enough or Is this worth my time? (this is probably the hardest question to answer, and the most challenging for any project to get a “yes”) and (3) Will at least a few people like to read this shit? – If I get a yes for all, yep gal, you’re in. I mostly concentrate on the first two, personally. I can make stuff people-friendly after I have gotten it out of my system. ;P

Thank you for hosting this, Didi; I had fun reading your posts and writing this! :D

#Q #bimonthly discussions #shaon di's event #wip talks #medha talks

6 notes · View notes

popatochisssp · 6 years ago

Note

So your recent chapter in snips and snails has had me thinking. How would other skellies react if their bro started falling for their SO? Would they all be up for polyamory or would some tell their bro to get over it, or they break up with SO as to push them toward their brother. This information is important for my daydreaming

Anonymous: Heyo! Are you doing hc’s right now? If so, what are your ideas for a polyamorous relationship with sans/so/papyrus? I know you mentioned it with FGTC, but how would the other boys do? Thank you and ilysm!!

Well, the short version of these questions seems to be– “Can I make it work if I want to smooch both brothers?”

And the answer to that question as far as I’m concerned is yes! Ultimately, all skeles would be down for this kind of relationship!

…But some of them are going to have an easier road than others.

Yes, it’s the ‘fells that are on the Struggle Bus, of course it is, those boys have issues.

Undertale:

They’re a great combo!

They already know each other so well and love/respect one another that looping you into their relationship as a romantic branch is the easiest thing in the world.

They both balance the other out really well, to the point that dating them both might even make for a more harmonious relationship than choosing just one: Papyrus won’t shy away from lecturing Sans when his laziness may be letting you down, and Sans knows how to gently point out when Papyrus might be unintentionally talking over you or pushing too hard at something.

There’s no jealousy between them and you’re all grown, mature adults more than capable of navigating a three-person relationship.

Underswap:

Another great choice!

Much like the classic Sans-Papyrus pair, the Sky-Paps match-up isn’t just functional, it’s hyper-functional.

Their brotherly relationship is strong and they’re great at meeting and handling situations as a team, and you’re no different. Most of your time with them will be spent as a trio rather than duos with an odd man out since that’s what they do anyway– you’re just along for the ride! When one-on-one time does come around, they’ll pass you off to the other without hesitation, no jealousy to be found and just a nuzzle on your cheek and an encouragement to have fun.

Even the usually clingy Sky doesn’t mind giving you and Paps space when you want it since there’s no one he trusts and loves more than his (big) little brother, and Paps might actually feel a little more driven to impress and woo you when he sees the lengths Sky regularly goes to. Maybe he can’t one-up his big brother’s efforts, but it reminds him that you’re special and deserving of the attention and he’ll show you so in his own, more understated way.

They balance each other out in so many ways that it won’t ever feel like you’re trying to juggle them to make things work. As long as you love them, they’ll love you right back and your relationship is practically self-sustaining!

Underfell:

You must not be shy of challenges, because you’ve gotten yourself into some rocky waters with this one.

They’ll both agree to this pretty quickly without much fuss– sharing a datemate with their brother, the only person who always had their back underground and would die for them, and vice versa? Of course, there’s no one they’d rather trust you with than their own brother!

They say that, and for the most part they do mean it, but… there are some very well-buried landmines here and you will find at least one of them in the course of this relationship.

For Jasper, it’s bitterness: here’s yet another thing in his life that he’s giving up for his brother’s sake. It’s not Pyre he resents but the situation and how exceedingly unfair the circumstances of his life have been so far. He lost his childhood to raising and protecting Pyre while he was young, and then he had to play his toady and listen to barked orders and snapped insults so Pyre could maintain a fearsome reputation and neither of them would get too severely messed with. And then now here’s this, a datemate he can’t even keep all to himself because you love his baby brother, too. It stings, but he’ll try to quash it down since he loves you and Pyre too deeply to ever want to cause problems for you.

Meanwhile Pyre is masking his own issues, namely jealous insecurity. He loves Jasper, too, and he deeply respects the sacrifices his big brother made for him Underground both in adolescence and adulthood, but…well, it’s not as if he had it easy! Jasper’s initially low HP meant that no matter how strong a fighter he was, there’d always be somebody who saw him as easy EXP, somebody trying to kill them both because they could– that was why he worked his way up to Captain of the Royal Guard and trained so hard to become an efficient, deadly soldier, so that he could be intimidating enough that most monsters wouldn’t even want to try attacking him or somebody under his command. That’s why he had to distance himself from everyone else, even the brother he was trying to protect, just in case someone tried to take advantage of a social connection. He was completely emotionally isolated for a long time, with a lot weighing on his shoulders: his duties, his brother’s safety, his own safety, and Jasper…

Jasper didn’t have to shoulder any of that once Pyre took responsibility.

Pyre knows, intellectually, that Jasper suffered at least as bad for a long time, but emotionally it hurt and made Pyre a little angry to see him socializing freely with the lowlifes at Grillby’s and sleeping openly at his illegal hot-dog stands. Jasper couldn’t have been totally carefree, no one could be underground, but he had the luxury of being very close to it thanks to Pyre’s status, which Pyre maintained at his own expense. And now, it feels like Jasper is taking advantage of him again, casually charming his way into your good graces and seducing you away from him.

He’s fairly certain he’s going to lose you, actually, since he knows that his older brother is the more personable of the two of them and he hates the waiting, he kinda wants to just end it himself and let Jasper have you…

But, same as Jasper, Pyre loves both of you dearly and he knows that abruptly breaking up with you would hurt you, and that Jasper would figure out why he did it and be even more hurt plus guilty over it, so he bites his tongue.

They’re both going to stew in silence over it and are fully committed to doing so for the rest of your natural lives– you’re going to have to mediate this if you want to have any hope of a healthy relationship.

It won’t be too hard to figure out what’s going on with them individually, they’re both very salty skeletons that can mostly keep quiet about the things bugging them, but there’s a lot of snide and bitter quips muttered under their breath that you’re usually close enough to hear and draw conclusions from. At that point, you need to sit down with them and force a discussion; play whatever hard-ball you must to get them to talk, this is too important to sweep under the rug just because it’s awkward and painful.

They’ll be stilted at first and need a lot of prodding to keep going, embarrassed that their datemate is playing counselor for them, but soon enough they’ll start talking on their own. Yelling on their own. Screaming at each other and breaking shit on their own.

They’ve been repressing a lot of emotions for a long time and now that they’re flowing it’s like a tsunami, one you should probably get out of the splash zone of while they get it all out.

You don’t have to worry about them actually hurting each other, there’s far too much love between them for that and once the anger and bitterness is out there in the open, they realize that, too. There’s gonna be tears and broken sobs and fierce hugging and that’s your cue to get back on in there and take care of your boys– they love each other, they love you, and you love them right back, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Once the dust is settled, you’re theirs for life, no take-backs. You came into their home, showed them love and affection, and helped them get their brother back after years of tension and walking on eggshells: if you think they’re ever going to let you go now, you’re dead-wrong.

There’s going to be days when you almost regret emotionally reconciling them because when they’re not bickering over petty nonsense or competing with each other, they are the most terrifyingly efficient team you’ve ever seen. They’ll casually join forces against you whenever it suits them and you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. They love and respect you of course, they’d never hurt or take advantage of you, but the combined force of Jasper’s rough charm and Pyre’s slick cunning means that you’re not often going to find yourself ‘winning’ in your relationship.

On the bright side, your romantic life is positively scorching between these two fiery personalities and the loving passion they have for you is more than enough of a balm on any wounds you might take to your pride. ;3

Swapfell:

Deceptively easy.

At first, they’re both very excited and on-board for this. As far as they’re concerned, there’s no one better in the world to share their datemate with than their own brother, someone trustworthy that they love unconditionally and don’t have to worry about losing you to, since they obviously wouldn’t try to steal you from each other.

And that’s true, because if there’s a problem it won’t be something they did, it’ll be what you did. Or maybe more accurately, what you didn’t do.

There’s really only one way to screw this up, but it’s a hard and fast death sentence for the relationship if you start neglecting Rus or playing favorites with Mal instead.

Rus is a needy guy, not too prone to jealousy but very prone to insecurity when the conditions are right, and Mal is one of the hardest (albeit unintentional) hitter of those buttons. His big brother, the one who’s taken care of him his whole life, protected him and sacrificed for him, Rus thinks Mal is a really cool guy. He’s not surprised at all that you want to date him, but he is surprised that you want to date Mal’s living disaster of a brother, too.

If you’re not careful and spend too much time with Mal or side with him all the time or do anything that could indicate you have a significant preference for one brother over the other, Rus is probably gonna jump to some conclusions and now it makes sense to him why you’re not just dating his brother– it’s ‘cause it’s a pity thing…isn’t it?

Mal is the one you really want but you or Mal or maybe both of you noticed his pathetic interest in you and decided to toss him a bone. To make him feel better. Yaaaay.

His aversion to conflict means that he’s definitely never going to say anything to either of you, ever, but his 'realization’ (whether it’s true or not, almost certainly not) is painful and he won’t be able to help sulking and shying away from your affection for awhile.

That, for Mal, is as good as an actual, physical red flag. He’s sharp and knows his brother well enough to piece together everything that’s happened in Rus’ self-deprecating skull and as far as he’s concerned, there’s only one course of action from here: he’s gonna try to wriggle himself out of the relationship entirely and push you towards Rus.

Mal loves his baby brother fiercely and since he already blames his failings as a pseudo-parent for the anxiety and insecurity he struggles with, the absolute last thing he wants to do is hurt him by taking his datemate away. It’s a no-brainer to remove himself from the situation if he’s distracting you from Rus, but once it’s progressed to this point, there’s no positive outcome for anyone.

Rus is now convinced he’s the pity-boyfriend and feels awful that you don’t get to be with Mal anymore because he couldn’t hide his dumb feelings better. Mal is upset that he can’t be with you, and a little upset with you for not loving his little brother enough to begin with and making this choice necessary. And of course, you’re gonna be hurting, too, because one of your boyfriends thinks he’s your consolation prize and the other isn’t even your boyfriend anymore.

But of course, that’s the Worst Case Scenario.

To make this work, you just need to be fair about sharing your time and affection, which in healthy polyamory, you should probably already be doing! But if for some reason, you can’t do that, skew slightly in Rus’ favor. Mal can be jealous and selfish but he’s more than willing to make room for his brother’s happiness, and he knows that he’s welcome to edge into yours and Rus’ time together if he really wants– Rus has no problems sharing, he just gets a little upset if he thinks he’s the second choice.

If you put in the time and effort to assure Rus that you’re dating him because you care about him, this actually becomes one of the easiest bro-combos possible. Mal and Rus have a less contentious relationship than the other ‘fell brothers and with less buried anger and bitterness between them their bond is already strong and relatively healthy when you enter the mix.

Your integration is like finding the perfect centerpiece to tie an already-stylish room together. Mal plans all the dates and budgets your time between them in the most efficient way possible, while Rus makes sure you and him still get some time to relax and screw around at home. They work very well together as brothers and as your co-boyfriends with about equal importance placed on each role, so you’ll feel nothing but cherished and wanted between the two of them. Make sure to return the favor!

Horrortale:

Yes, a fantastic idea!

They’re both delighted that you asked and agree to share you pretty much immediately, without even a little fuss.

Slate and Papy are arguably the most codependent of the brothers (understandably, considering their shared trauma of the famine) and they’re also probably the most emotionally open with one another as a result, so if a poly relationship seems like it’s becoming a possibility with you, they’re going to get everything talked out and openly agreed upon for a very smooth transition.

It’s actually…kind of an ideal situation for both of them, in a way? Their issues and insecurities are…well, there’s a good deal of them and they’re both a tad concerned that the weight of it might be too much for you alone. They don’t want to overwhelm you or put too much pressure on you just because they’re a little… ‘broken’ is the wrong word for it, but they’re far from undamaged, either!

But with the other brother in the mix, the same one who’s always been there to support his sibling even before you came along, so much of that pressure is taken off.

Slate doesn’t worry that you’re going to suffer from his dissociation and memory problems because he knows Papy is there with his sharp mind and attention to detail to pick up the slack. Likewise, Papy doesn’t worry quite so much on his bad days that you’re secretly unhappy or would be better off without him because Slate is around, who even with a hole in his skull is naturally charming and very skilled at reading people– if you had any complaints, Slate would know and pass them along so they could make you as content as possible!

The end result is that they both relax and don’t psych themselves out quite as much as they might without their brother, and you get to see them as close to their old, pre-horror selves as they can get. Papy is a little more confident and Slate jokes around more and they both treat you like you make the sun rise every morning because you’re the one that loves them both enough to let this relationship be a thing they can have and that’s so cool.

There’s not a drop of jealousy over you from either of them, especially when they can see first-hand that you’re making their brother as happy as you make them, so this is a pretty harmonious and loving match-up, with a lot of potential for success!

#undertale #headcanons #sans #papyrus #sans/reader #papyrus/reader #underswap #us!sans #us!papyrus #underfell #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #swapfell/fellswap #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #horrortale #ht!sans #ht!papyrus

210 notes · View notes

elegiesforshiva · 7 years ago

Text

Ghosts VII: Glass House

Masterpost

Previous | Next

For Sakura, time blurs into a stretch of a mellow trying. Trying to get out of bed, trying to find an antidote in the labs, trying to remember her otousan’s words, Bad dreams are only bad dreams. Nothing more.

When she opts for soldier pills over breakfast again, a forgotten calendar on her fridge tells her it’s been over a month since Sasuke’s retun. Sakura supposes people didn’t catch on at first because of Sasuke’s introverted nature. But soon enough, she starts to hear it everywhere.

His name is whispers in the hospital, the market, and any training ground that holds more than three shinobi. It’s always the same when people see her. Faces pop in front of her and start talking to her about him simply, casually, just assuming he’s a topic of her interest. Their faces are expectant—like she is supposed to care or something. So Sakura gives them a trained smile and a cordial response, followed by a change in topic. Then they give her a hideous, knowing look. And she thinks she has never felt so naked in front of complete strangers before.

Because she does care. She cares a lot. But it isn’t the kind of care that people think and it sure isn’t the kind of care she wants to have. It’s a care that carries bile—slowly building and oozing through her in a murky vortex of black and red and grief. Sakura knows it is only a matter of time before she’s in the center of the spiral, only a matter of time before she snaps.

She tries to prolong it. Sakura grows uncharacteristically antisocial—orders delivery to save trips to the grocery store, wears hoods and hats or even puts on a henge on walks to work, reserves outdoor training for obscure hours of the night. She’s pitifully grateful to be cooped up in the hospital’s poison analysis division during work. Lab rats don’t ask her about past teammates.

And when she enters an empty lab to find a shinobi with a rabbit mask perched on the windowsill, she nearly cries in relief. It can only mean one thing: A mission.

If she can just get a week—just one week, she will be satisfied. She needs to get away from Konoha.

When Sakura arrives slightly later than expected, she finds herself in a full room. At once, she spots Shikamaru leaning against the wall on her right, with Kiba and Akamaru standing near him. Kaito, the green haired sensor she worked with from the last mission is on her left. Sakura looks straight at Kakashi then, who’s peering down at the staple orange book in his hand. Something about this image is wonderfully refreshing, floods her with a hot nostalgia, despite the walls of papers on either side of him.

Kakashi seems to finish a sentence before glancing up at her, eyes crinkling at the corners in welcome. Sakura nods her head in return, “Hokage-sama.”

“Shikamaru and Sakura?” Kiba says then, his voice paved with awe. “Damn, this mission must be some serious business.” He eyes Sakura with a wide, canine grin, the enthusiasm matched only by Akamaru’s thrashing tail thrashing and labored breaths.

Sakura finds her smile is genuine, heated even, like his. “Kiba,” Sakura greets with a nod of her head. She looks over at Shikamaru, and can’t help but agree.

The genius strategist himself is staring out the window, and she’d expect he’s just daydreaming like usual if it weren’t for the slight tension in shoulders, suggesting contemplation instead. It takes Shikamaru a moment before he meets her eyes, but when he does he inclines his head respectfully to greet her.

She looks over at Kaito then, and his eyes seem to smile at her more than his mouth before he turns towards Kakashi. “So what’s the mission?” His is tone mostly calm, but the slightest undercurrent of eagerness is weaved in.

“We’re still waiting on one more,” Kakashi says and turns a page. He doesn’t even look up.

“A five cell team?” Sakura asks.

Kakashi hums in confirmation and Sakura looks over at her teammates then. A strategist, a sensor, Kiba doubles as a part-offense and part-tracking, and of course, there is her—the medic. This is no doubt a delicate and covert mission. But the next nin will probably be another offense-type—a little insurance in case shit hits the fan.

For a brief moment, Sakura hopes for Naruto. It’ll be the perfect excuse to make up with him and maybe his endearing positivity will wedge its way into her sense of perspective. But then she remembers how inexpicably awful he can be where stealth is concerned.

“Looks like he’s coming now,” Kakashi says, his eyes still pasted to his book.

The next moment, Sakura is rigid. She feels the strong, and all too familiar chakra signature approaching. Oh gods oh gods.

Then she hears the muffled steps, shinobi sandals tapping just outside the room. Her eyes fix on the windows, the very same white cloud she things Shikamaru has been staring at. Her heart pounds against her chest like it’s trying to bust open her rib cage. Sakura registers the heavy creak of the door opening and closing. And then he’s right behind her.

Her mind squeaks and whistles in disorganized panic. Like pieces of broken glass swivelling around in a closed container. Sakura’s eyes fasten onto the greyness of the sky and she centers every piece of will to avoid cutting herself on a thought.

Kiba whistles, loud and keen, and it almost combats the creaks in her head. “Well fuck! If it isn’t Sasuke Uchiha!” He grins, facing Kakashi. “Now I’m real excited! This is going to be one hell of a mission!” Sakura doesn’t dare turn.

“Kakashi.” His voice roves over her senses with the greeting. It’s vividly deeper than she recalls, though it still carries the same gruff nature he always spoke with and her heart smacks against her rib cage more fiercely because of it. With great difficulty, she retains the mask of her chakra, although the only point of it now is to conceal the uproar in her body.

Frontal lobe. Thalamus. Hypothalamus. Pituitary gland. Optic chiasma...

Kakashi looks past her, eyeing Sasuke in acknowledgement. She wonders if she has even an arm’s length of distance from her ex-teammate, or if he could chidori through her head right where she stands. Stop. Stop. He wouldn’t do that. Infundibulum. Mamillary body. Pons.

Kakashi sits up on his chair and places his book down onto the desk with great care. His eyes flit around the room to survey each shinobi. They linger on Sakura’s face for a moment longer than the rest and she wonders if he can see her insides bubbling.

“Let’s get started,” he addresses. “First, I would just like to inform everyone here that this is an A rank mission. It’s going to be some time before you’re actually deployed, mainly because we suspect there might be more intel coming in soon, but as of right now, this mission could last anywhere from a week to a month. There’s a good chance you’ll be selected for a follow up mission right after you come back as well. The only person this doesn’t entirely apply to is Sakura,” His eyes lock on her now. “I’ve already spoken with Tsunade about the case you’re involved with. We can talk about those details in a bit.” Kakashi then looks around the room. “But first, any objections so far?”

“Yes, actually,” Sakura is speaking before she can think, and she’s utterly impressed with how calm she sounds. “If it’s alright, may I have a word, Hokage-sama?”

Kakashi looks almost as if he expected this, but it’s hard to tell. He nods in acknowledgement. “Would the rest of you wait outside for a moment?”

There’s a tense pause, and Shikamaru is the first to move, pushing off the wall and letting out an exasperated sigh. Sakura would feel bad if she didn’t think he always sounded tired since his father died. “Dammit, Sakura, it isn’t easy making these teams, you know. What a bother,” he mutters. Now she does feel bad.

The rest of them shuffle out quietly, and she’s acutely aware of Sasuke’s chakra receding just enough for her to breathe normally again. Then finally, the door closes behind her.

“Sensei—”

Kakashi lifts his hand, silencing her. “It’s okay, Sakura.” He looks at her then, neither pity nor disappointment in his gaze and she’s surprised by that. “It’s Sasuke, right?”

Sakura exhales, her arms coming around to hold herself tightly. She wants to maintain some dignity but she’s in front of another man who’s gone through it all with her and she feels too pathetic to even stand straight.

“I’m not going to lie. I really would prefer you to be on this mission. I need a shinobi as versatile in combat and healing as you. I wouldn’t have talked to Tsunade otherwise.” Kakashi crosses his arms and sighs. “But I suppose there’s not much we can do.”

A silence ensues, Kakashi lost in thought as Sakura nervously shifts her feet, eyes downcast. “I’m sorry, sensei,” she murmurs.

Kakashi closes his eyes, exhales. “I get it, Sakura.” He meets her eyes then, and she’s too guilty to find comfort in the gentleness of his gaze. “They were his transgressions. If you can’t forgive him, that shouldn’t be your burden to bear.” Kakashi pauses then, and she sees the slightest narrowing of his brow and she suspects...

“But,” he inserts. And she’s right. “I think you need to look for some type of peace between you two.” She represses the urge to shudder, cry, scream—because she expects it from Naruto but she hoped she didn’t have to hear it from Kakashi too. And gods it feels like everyone talks about restoration like it’s easy when it might actually just be impossible.

“I’m not just saying that because you’re both elite nin and it would be much easier on me to not have to maneuver you two on different squads—although, that is true. I’m not saying it because you’re an important part of the medical staff and gods know with how impulsive Sasuke and Naruto are, they’ll be visiting the hospital more often than either of us would like,” he muses, a hint of gaiety in his voice. But Sakura couldn’t find anything less funny considering they both took each other’s arms off in the heat of their anguish and raw stupidity.

“I’m saying this because I care about you. You don’t have to like him. But you don’t deserve to be tormented by the past any more than he did, Sakura.” His voice is sympathetic now. Sakura doesn’t know what to feel. She refrains from chewing her lips to bloody pieces of tissue. “I don’t think you’re giving either you or Sasuke the credit you both deserve. You’re stronger than this, Sakura.”

Stronger than this? Her stomach churns in indignation and bewilderment. “But what if I’m not?” Sakura says. “I’m not Naruto, sensei, I can’t just—”

“You don’t have to be,” Kakashi interrupts. “It wasn’t just Naruto who kept us afloat all these years, Sakura. You did too.” Sakura can feel her mouth twist and she doesn’t know whether to shout or laugh at such a grand accusation. “The three of you are the same in that way. You’re blindly courageous.” But that’s not true. She was never on par with them. And the whole world knows it. Sakura feels wretched, unworthy, not a part of Team 7 at all and Kakashi must see this because he eyes her. “Don’t give me that look. You are, Sakura,” he says. “You can beat this.”

She’s rigid with upset. And maybe she wants to believe him, his eyes shimmering with such naked faith, but she just can’t. Sakura sighs in resignation and gives him a tired nod. “I’ll try, sensei.”

Kakashi nods back. “I’ll take you off the mission. You’re dismissed.” Sakura murmurs a thank you, bows her head, and turns around to leave.

She takes a quiet, but deep breath in preparation, tries to muster Kakashi’s imaginary perception of her before stalking through the heavy wooden doors. Sakura walks towards the right, not even sparing a glance to her left, where the group of chakra signatures stood. She can’t look at him, it’s too soon. Her legs move at a calculated, measured pace and she feels Sasuke’s chakra above them all—invasive and piercing. Sakura’s pulse quickens with every second. “You can go in now,” she announces, her voice soft and controlled.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you coming?” She hears Kiba call back out to her, followed by Akamaru’s bark.

“Tch.” Her throat tightens at the all too familiar sound. “She’s probably going to be too busy at the hospital,” Sasuke mocks with unveiled insult, alluding to his previous attempts to see her. And his voice echoes.

Stronger than this. Kakashi said. But Sakura sees red, mouth twitching. That jackass has no right.

She considers stomping with a chakra infused leg, cracking the floor beneath his and her feet and watching the tower collapse on the two of them. How sweet it would taste to die with him now.

But he would probably just portal to safety and she would be left to crumble in her morbid self-prescribed destruction. Sakura keeps walking.

“Why’d you say it like that?” Kiba asks.

“Who cares,” Shikamaru’s says with an air of perfunctory.

Sakura hears their footsteps and then the Hokage’s door open and close. She wastes no time then, bolting forward, and leaping out the closest window.

“Forehead!” Ino’s voice resonates from across the field, stilling Sakura’s clenched fist.

Sakura studies the dented surface before her. It once resembled an iron dummy but is now crumpled and distorted, having only maintained its metallic sheen. She’s suddenly aware of her own soft pants and the cool air against her. She notes how the dull throb in her knuckles helps satisfy the chafe in her head.

Sakura turns to look at Ino and is surprised to spot Hinata too. Sakura makes her way over to them with casual steps. She thinks she might just be exhausted enough to entertain civility for them. She wants to try.

“Hey Pig,” Sakura greets. “Hinata.” Her lips stretch into a smile, and she’s pleasantly surprised it doesn’t feel forced. “I haven’t seen you out as much lately. How is everything?”

“You’re one to talk,” Ino jabs. It pinches, but Sakura chooses not to dignify her remark with a response.

“Sakura-san,” Hinata’s smile is demure as she inclines her head. She ignores Ino’s comment too, probably because she’s used to the backwards affections of bickering between loved ones by now. “I’m doing really well.”

Sakura can see the evidence of that statement. Hinata’s cheeks are pale but full, and her dark tresses shine. But what captures Sakura is the zeal in the Hyuga’s white eyes—a blinding energy that she only wishes she could emulate. “You look amazing,” Sakura breathes.

“Doesn’t she?” Ino says, awe in her voice. “I’m fucking jealous. I better glow like that when I’m pregnant.”

“Thank you.” Hinata looks away bashfully, color warming her cheeks. Sakura’s lips turn into a gentle smile, only half forced. Naruto and Hinata have come a long way, and most times it has her swelling with pride. But today she just wants to crawl under her covers, close the blinds, and never think about love again.

Hinata then looks at Sakura directly, “Sakura-san, I’m sorry to disturb you, but I came with Ino-san because…well,” Hinata says, looks down, searches for the words. “…I know…Naruto-kun…” Sakura feels her stomach drop. “He didn’t tell me all the details, but I feel awful about your argument.”

Argument. She wishes it felt as small as the word, and not like the only family any of them have left is being torn apart because of her cowardice. She remember’s Naruto’s disappointment, and Sasuke’s chidori. Sakura closes her eyes and stops herself from dry heaving in front of the two. Her mind drips red, a liquid waterfall streaming into the bleak.

“It’s okay, Hinata,” Sakura looks away from the two kunoichi. She pretends she’s something tangible, something that makes sense. “You don’t have to apologize for him. I’m sure he will on his own later anyway. He never lets me stay mad at him.”

“What happened between you two?” Ino asks.

“Just another stupid fight about Sasuke.” Sakura crosses her arms, and tries to look more angry and annoyed than utterly defeated.

Hinata’s voice comes out shy, apologetic. “I-I don’t know what is going on between you and Sasuke. But I’m sure you have your reasons.” Sakura jaw is tight, her teeth clenched behind the firm line of her lips. Have your reasons? Wasn’t it obvious? “I try to discourage my husband from pushing you,” Hinata says, looking down disappointedly. “I promise he means well though.” Sakura feels sorry for her.

Then she sighs then. Because of course Hinata would come out all this way just to apologize to her on behalf of her idiot best friend. They’re both so effortlessly selfless and well-adjusted. Sakura wishes she can be like that too. “Yeah, I know. That idiot always means well.”

“I thought maybe we could relax in the onsens,” Hinata says, her voice hopeful. “And maybe get a bite to eat.” Hinata looks at Sakura then, her eyes pleading and the pout of her mouth demanding adoration. “You...you don’t have to worry about expenses. I’d just really like to make it up to you.”

“Oh Hinata,” Sakura says, apologetic. She covets the innocence radiating off the black haired beauty. What she would do to be clean again. “That’s okay, you don—”

“That sounds great!” Ino chimes in, smacking an arm around Sakura’s shoulders, and tugging her close. Sakura nearly yelps at the contact. “We can all go!”

Sakura pulls away with a frustrated growl despite how pleasantly warm her friend feels. “Pig,” she reproaches, brows drawn.

“What?” Ino asks, her tone too defensive to be innocent. Sakura gives her an unimpressed look. “Oh, c’mon. Naruto’s been a pain in your ass with that Sasuke shit—you always complain about it.” Sakura crosses her arms but refrains from huddling into herself. She tries to vaporize Ino from existence with the heat of her glare. It doesn’t work. “If she wants to treat you, let her. You’ve been too stressed out to pass up the offer.”

“Please Sakura-san,” Hinata says, her hand tentatively brushing against hers, her eyes beseeching—needy and nervous. She sees a Hyuga boy with a wet, bleeding stump. His eyes looked like that too as she carried him. My hand.

Sakura recoils from her touch, fighting the guilt. “Okay,” Sakura acquiesces. “I guess it’s okay.” She nods to affirm her position, hoping to dispel that sour look on Hinata’s face. “Can I have an hour? I—I want to get some more training in first.” She’s exhausted and there’s a dull throb in her temples, but she needs something to focus on.

Hinata smiles then, genuine and full. It almost makes her succession worth it. “Of course,” Hinata responds and gives a graceful nod of her head.

“You already look half-dead, Forehead,” Ino says, delicate as ever. “This isn’t some elaborate ruse to pass out before you hang out with us, is it?” Her eyes study her, and she can see Ino’s mouth twist in disapproval.

Sakura grimaces. “No, Pig, it isn’t.”

“In that case,” Ino walks out towards the field then, “train with me!” Ino exclaims. “It’s been too long, and I want to see that monstrous strength of yours.”

Sakura feels her chest ache. She knows what Ino is trying to do—checking up on her in a seemingly innocuous way. It’s not a request for a spar, it’s an interrogation. Sakura knows this is why Naruto always engaged Sasuke’s violence when they were younger. She instantly hates herself for the comparison.

“You don’t have any gear with you,” Sakura says, elusive. Ino is vigilant—sensors always are. She hates that about her friends, all of them are great sensors, acutely tuned to her chakra. They always know. Especially when she doesn’t want them to.

Ino shrugs. “You have plenty. Toss me a pouch.”

Sakura considers protesting further, but knows it’ll give her away. At least she’s safe from Sasuke. He wouldn’t prey on her with Ino and Hinata around. “Kunai or shuriken?”

Ino began to tie up her long silk strands. “I’ll take shuriken.”

“May I watch?” Hinata asks.

Sakura examines Hinata, and wonders if she’s in on it. She almost immediately dismisses the idea as a figment of lingering paranoia. Hinata wouldn’t play into these sick games. “Of course. Will you be comfortable though?” Sakura asks, moving to unlatch her pouch strapped to her right thigh.

Hinata nods. “I’ll be fine,” she assures, before moving to nest herself beside the trunk of a tree. The sky is grey and she can hear the distant piercing cry of a bird. Sakura scans the Hyuga over, looking for any signs of discomfort before she hands Ino a pouch of shuriken. She’s glad her fingers aren’t shaking.

They get into position and Sakura takes a deep breath. Then Ino bolts forward.

Sakura starts off strong, hoping to knock Ino senseless and end this quickly. She slams her fist into the ground, launching iron dummies, debris, and her opponent into the air. Ino’s shoulder is bruised on one of the metal bodies, before she uses the mannequin to find her footing, propelling herself forward to dodge the others with acrobatic flips and twirls.

Sakura stomps as Ino finally lands, cracking the ground and successfully knocking her off balance, just in time to get smacked in the gut by a chunk of rock. But to Sakura’s surprise, she quickly recovers.

Still, Ino struggles to keep up with Sakura, who’s leveling the ground with every solid step she tries to take. All she hears is the roaring BOOM. of her own stomps and for a moment, Sakura thinks her plan just may work. But it only takes one shuriken flinging towards her, and she’s jerking to the side, distracted just long enough for Ino to get back on her feet.

Sakura’s already wheezing, her limbs painfully heavy. Fuck. Sakura knows she is tired, but she hadn’t been expecting this.

Then there’s an entire barrage of shuriken thrown her way, and Sakura sees them coming, but her movements are sluggish and dislocated. They whizz past her ears as she moves until a piece of metal lodges into her arm and then there are only waves of hot-white pain coursing through her. She’s sure she cries out, though she doesn’t hear it.

Sakura tries to recover, fingers moving to dislodge the weapons. Her lungs protest as she gasps for air, before she looks up and sees Ino’s fist slam across her cheek. The hit isn’t the most brutal punch she’s taken, but it still has her careening onto all fours.

“I know you’re faster than that, Forehead!” Ino exclaims, before taking Sakura’s momentary distraction to send her flying with a chakra clad foot.

Her breath escapes her when her back hits bark and Sakura chokes on a whimper. For a moment all she feels is a ringing along her body, and she’s reflexively weaving chakra through deplted muscle, torn tissue, and bone until she can think again. Spinal damage. Definitely spinal damage. She can already hear Ino’s footsteps coming closer, and while Sakura doesn’t expect any less of Ino, she wishes she had more time to recover.

Nonetheless, she somehow does. She traps Ino in a basic and seamless genjutsu where she’s still on the ground, before breaking it with a fist to the blonde’s stomach, cracking several ribs and sending her flying. Sakura’s panting hard, and there’s only mild relief in healing a few more of her wounds enough to continue. Her head is heavy and aching and she’s at odds with her body. I'm so slow. She thought, pathetically. When did I get so slow?

She sees Ino lifting herself up with a groan, and Sakura remedies it with a kunai to her right shoulder with a callousness she nearly regrets. Ino cry is loud and piercing, and Sakura cringes at the depth of the sound. Just make it quick, she thinks. Because she can’t keep this up. She doesn’t want to. And she bolts forward, determined to end this.

Ino just manages to get on her feet when Sakura’s fist closes in on her right shoulder. Then Sakura’s panting, chest burning, and Ino’s face down on the ground again, several yards away.

Their spar quickly spins into a taijutsu match, where Sakura easily overpowers Ino, though her body feels as stiff and heavy as the iron dummies she’d been practicing on. Finally, Sakura settles their match by straddling Ino’s hips with a kunai against her throat.

“Not bad,” Ino groans, wheezing. “I wasn’t—” She winces. “—expecting the genjutsu.”

Sakura tries to focus her eyes on Ino’s face but has trouble. She moves her kunai, not trusting her fingers hold tight. Sakura feels like she might drop at any moment. She’s aching everywhere, and for once, she’s actually hungry. She hopes Ino can’t tell.

“You’re faster than I remember,” Sakura says, chakra pushing from her body into Ino’s. “You didn’t use any jutsus.” She can barely hear her own voice.

“You’re slower,” Ino deadpans. “You’re not taking care of yourself, Sakura.” Rattled as her head may be, Sakura can hear the concern in Ino’s voice.

She’s quiet, too tired to speak. So tired. Her head hurts. And she doesn’t like that Ino’s shoulder is bleeding. Sakura pours chakra into the wound assiduously. She’s vaguely aware of Hinata approaching them from the distance. “I’m just a little tired from training beforehand,” she says, voice monotone and head dizzy. “That’s all.”

Ino frowns but stays quiet.

“You two were really good,” Hinata says with a gentle smile then, bending to help heal their wounds. She’s obviously lying but Sakura doesn’t blame her. There was nothing theatrical about their spar. After seeing Naruto and Sasuke lunge at each other’s throats, she knows she’ll never be impressed with a shinobi again. And she’s grateful for that.

Sakura tells Hinata to only tend to Ino, “I can take care of mine,” she says. Because one person knowing about her body’s deterioration is more than enough.

The bathhouse is far more packed than Sakura would like, but she’s relieved to scrub off the sweat, grime, and disappointment she has collected during the day. Tenten and a few other women are making idle chat over to her right. Ino probably would have join them, had she not been so exhausted from their earlier spar.

Sakura notes that Tenten looks better than she remembers. Her face is less gaunt, and her attitude is chipper. Even the purple that once adorned her eyes is now a mere tinge of pink. She wonders—between beats of her god awful headache—if Tenten still has to swallow the impulse to kill herself on occasion.

Ino curls around Sakura’s limp body, tiredly leaning her head on her friend’s shoulder. To her mild surprise, the contact is welcomed, somehow making her feel lighter despite the weight. Sakura tenderly caresses the blonde kunoichi, watching her best friend drift in and out of sleep as Tenten and another nin ask Hinata about the prospects of motherhood.

Sakura runs her fingers through Ino’s hair and listens attentively as Hinata spares a few words. Her responses are short, but her smile is bright and her cheeks are rosy, conveying a quiet adoration. Hinata looks to Sakura for affirmation from time to time, and Sakura gives her a soft and encouraging smile.

There’s so much about Hinata that is still a mystery to Sakura. Her demure disposition leaves much to the imagination. She’s seen her annoyed many times—but never angry. She’s seen her very happy too, she is right now. Still, it always comes out in a quiet mellow, softened beneath the shy quiver of her lips, and the pink of her cheeks. But it’s there, bold and electrifying, right in the center of her eyes.

Sakura wonders if her quiet is a natural inclination towards reticence or if it’s the product of a cruel upbringing. She often used to wonder this with Sasuke too.

Sasuke. What a difference a few years has made, thinking of that name. And in some ways, it’s not different at all. Always an unnerving, ubiquitous presence in her head.

Sakura remembers all of it, the sole vivid colors of her feelings in an opaque world. She had adored her Sasuke, loved him to her early death. And oh, death was so unkind. His absence—a lifelong winter.

She remembers clinging to Kakashi and Naruto as if they would slip right from her fingers after he left. She cried to her father. Fought vehemently with her mother, who hated him. More than her tousan, more than herself, even more than her, okaasan hated Sasuke.

“So training under the Goddaime, huh?” Mebuki had snarled, arms crossed. Sakura could feel her mother’s smoldering gaze, sizing her up. She’d had that slow simmering quiet since Sakura announced it. Now Kizashi left the room and all Sakura had to buffer the coiling tension was the window’s view and the anxious tapping of her foot. “What, are you trying to get in the bingo book just to get that boy back?”

“If that’s what it takes,” Sakura had snapped. She rose to her mother’s challenges more those days.

“Sweet, sweet child,” Okaasan said, sounding as if she thought Sakura was anything but. “You’re going to get what you deserve—choosing that nutcase over your own family,” Mebuki had said. And Sakura longed to be somewhere else. “You should never have become a shinobi.”

“Why can’t you just be proud of me for once? Otousan is!”

“Your Tousan is a fool!” She cried, voice strangled. “He shouldn’t be encouraging you! That waif you’re chasing is a monster! One look and I saw—”

“Shut up!” Sakura had screamed, face hot and head spinning. “You don’t know him! You don’t know anything!”

And she didn’t. Mebuki was wrong. About almost everything. About Kakashi, about Tsunade, about Ino, and especially about Naruto.

So why couldn’t she have been wrong about Sasuke too? Sakura hated when her okaasan was right.

But what a beautiful boy, Sakura had thought, the first time she saw him. He mesmerized her, called her. How could she not fall for him? His boyish good looks, his midnight eyes, and that damned smirk that seized every piece of her being. A cruel smile—happiness smothered by cynical despair. You’re annoying. He said.

What a shitty term of endearment, she knew—but her heart sped up all the same. At least it beats being bludgeoned to near death like he did Naruto. Such a delusional brat she had been, falling for it all. If only he had killed her when he left her on a cold bench. Then she wouldn’t have nightmares about him doing it now.

Sakura hears his voice then, an echo of their earlier meeting in the Hokage’s office. It was deep and alluring as always, but also matured somehow, despite the juvenile jab he made. She tries to picture the last time she’s seen him, which seems far too long and still much too recent. His hair dark and his eyes crimson pinwheels, raw and unnaturally beautiful. His build is muscular, like any shinobi, but something about his physique and his constant, confident stature cries of power. The stern set of his jaw as he looks down upon all of them cements the notion. Her handsome demon.

And with the new Rinnegan, he is deified. The ominous purple hue and the swirl of that divine eye has her seeing flashes of Madara. His dark incarnate—just as beautiful and painfully monstrous. Gods the Uchiha were—here to cast judgement and claim retribution from Konoha.

Sakura is pitifully thankful she doesn’t know what Indra looks like in that moment. She might picture him killing her then too. The three of them would be having a dart throwing contest, except their darts are arrows of lightning and their dartboard is her head. Their eyes bloody revolutions, their smiles keepers of grief. Love lost to the wheel.

“Mm...Sakura?” Ino’s voice chirps out, snapping Sakura back to the steam in front of her face.

Sakura jerks her head towards Ino. Her best friend yawns, before pulling away slightly to nestle her head more comfortably in the juncture between Sakura’s neck and shoulder. “You’re shaking, forehead,” Ino mumbles into her skin. “Relax with me.”

“Oh.” Sakura deeply exhales and she’s surprised by how much tension leaves in just that one breath. She wraps her arms around Ino who sighs contentedly.

“I swear you two are gay for eachother,” Tenten says then. “I’ve actually been being with a girl and we didn’t even cuddle like that.”

“Oh please, Tenten, that doesn’t count,” A kunoichi interrupts. “You two didn’t even fuck. You were just experimenting.”

And Sakura rolls her eyes. If ‘experimenting’ secretly meant ‘fucked up and desperate to feel again because Neji is dead’ that statement might have been more accurate.

“Just saying. We all know Ino’s bi, and you’ve never exactly dated anyone.” Tenten looks at Sakura inquisitively, adorning a sly smile that was probably meant to be cute. “You sure you’re not gay?”

Sakura knows she’s teasing. Tenten doesn’t mean to be offensive, but it feels like outsiders are trying to pry into her too much. It’s been making her sick. Sakura tries to keep the resentment out of her voice as she speaks. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Oh...wait a second...” Tenten begins, the clever smile grows marginally wider. ”Sasuke’s back, isn’t he?” I just saw him in the market the other day.” And while Sakura struggles to maintain composure, Hinata flinches on her behalf. “Well? We all know you were like in love with him. You two aren’t…are you?”

Sakura pictures herself drowning. Water filling her lungs and stealing her last, unwilling breath. Okaasan probably died that way. Suffocation. She remembers her blue skin. Opioid overdose tends to do that—slows the breathing until the unconscious victim is tragically dead. Sakura imagines the clear liquid of the bath blurring her eyes until she sees only black, then white, and finally nothing at all.

Ino’s mumbles in the background of her hazy mind. “Tenten,” Ino’s voice is drowsy, but she still answers for Sakura since she’s too busy fantasizing about death to open her mouth herself. “Shut the fuck up.”

And Tenten listens, because she never quite washed away the guilt of Jin.

#mine #sasusaku #fanfiction #ghosts #elegiesforshiva #homemade trauma soup #efs writes

42 notes · View notes